#i have so many drafts rambling about sadness

[cat-mentality]

The downfall of the Federation doesn’t come with explosions.

It doesn’t come with blood and ashes and destruction.

It doesn’t even come from anger.

It’s not rage, it’s not boiling blood and snarling mouths, it’s not swear words in multiple languages, it is not righteous outrage and the need to tear down the ones responsible for your suffering, it’s not carefully crafted plans, it’s not tearing down symbols or making statements, that ultimately makes the Federation falls.

The downfall of the Federation does not come from the Islanders.

Not directly at least, not in the way they all expected it to happen.

The downfall of the Federation is slow.

It starts with a barber shop. 

It starts with giving a name to someone.

It starts with showing someone they could be more than “it.”

The downfall of the Federation starts with kindness.

When an Islander, mad by grief and hatred for the Federation, still gives a name for a worker who has nothing but his job. When his refusal is not met with anger and violence but with understanding and reassurances.

When an offer of something unknown is made.

What is friendship?

Friendship is caring.

Friendship is loving.

Friendship is laughter.

Friendship is a helping hand.

Friendship is not laughing at the unpleasant, back breaking, task of fixing what someone else broke. It’s acknowledging your hard work and praising you for it, is offering help even if said help is meaningless.

Friendship is answering questions with care.

Friendship is seeing someone, acknowledging their existence.

The Federation does not know what friendship is.

Oh they can give you the definition of the world, they can throw the word around as if they know what they are doing- But they don’t, because they don’t understand it.

(Friendship is not something perfect.)

Friendship is kindness.

And kindness spreads. Faster than fire, deeper and hotter than any explosion could dream off.

The workers see the Island.

They are the usually invisible forces building constructions and fixing messes, they are the ones making sure everything is perfect, that everyone is happy, that everything is in order.

But who cares for them?

The man with the wings who casually mentions they are welcome to take some of his avocado toast if they can feel hunger, who tells one of them once, careless like it’s nothing important, that he knows it’s not their fault, that they are not the ones they should blame.

The weird hybrid with the loud laughter who likes to look at them building, who will throw tips sometimes, who is never mean no matter how much he may laugh at them sometimes, what pranks he may play.

The inseparable duo who saw them as individuals before anyone else did, who help rebuild things others have destroyed, who are so clever, so kind, who never target them in their anger.

The kind janitor, who even if he never relaxes around them, if his shoulders are always tense and his eyes track their movements, always greets them, always insists on making small talk even if it means waiting for them to write.

The weird employee who looks like he wants to be anywhere but there, who looks at them like he understands, like he can see what they feel even if they don’t have faces, even if they cannot understand and name those broken parts themselves, who rages at the bear but never at them.

The Islanders as a whole.

The people who love and laugh and cry and suffer everyday in this Island, who in the middle of their worst moments can still find in themselves to show kindness, to propose friendship even if they know it will bring them nothing back.

The downfall of the Federation starts oh so very slowly, so subtly they don’t even realize it’s happening until it’s too late.

It happens with quiet rebellions, it happens when warp plates are left there, when books with important coordinates are dropped, when books with relevant information or warnings are left behind, when a building is built with hidden but there escape routes, when answers are given with as much clarity as they can.

It happens loudly sometimes too. With refusal to cause harm, with questions about why, about how they could do this or that, it comes with helping prisoners escape, it comes with antidotes being stolen and shared with those that deserve.

And when the reset happens, when their minds get scrambled and they go back to being nothing but mindless, faceless workers, it doesn’t matter.

Because time and time again kindness proves itself to be stronger. The Federation can wipe their memories a hundred times, they can do whatever they want to them and their minds, it is fruitless because they cannot stop the Islanders from being kind, from being good.

And it grows, and grows and grows until the Federation devours itself. 

The downfall of the Federation doesn’t come from hate.

It comes from love.

[hes-a-tough-kid]

If you see the final word count for my completed fic gently increasing over months and months no you dont

[shiro-s2e2-erukinzu]

Anime only watchers and people who aren't caught up with the Manga, BEWARE... Cuz I'm about to discuss Spy X Family Mission 98... You have been warned...! 👌

[SPOILERS AHEAD FROM THIS POINT ON]

This chapter literally broke me in more ways than one...

This chapter is a continuation of Martha and Henderson's backstory from Mission 97, so let's talk about it shall we...?

So when I opened this chapter and saw a radio...:

...I literally got PTSD from seeing it because it immediately made me think of the first part of Mission 62, Twilight's (or rather [REDACTED]'s) past, so I knew that things were about to take a turn for the worst...! 😔

On the same page, Martha asks Henderson what he's doing here and he tells her that there's a personnel shortage, so he got to graduate early. Then, Henderson turns off the radio and says this:

This is just... It's so sad, but true that things, like radios, that were once made for helping others can easily be used to spread hatred and cause harm... It's just not right... 😞

Moving on, after being separated for so long, Martha and Henderson were able to have another tea party like they used to have, but it wasn't long before things started to take a turn... During a school safety drill, Martha asks Henderson if he's excused from being drafted, and he tells her...:

"It may be that even education is powerless now."... 😟

Hearing Henderson say that hurts my soul... But nothing could prepare me for the next few pages...

Why... Why do things like this have to happen... 😣

No, things like this SHOULDN'T happen...! Innocent people dying because of senseless violence, because of war, it's just not right nor is it fair...! And I will always stand by that...!!

Continuing on, Henderson finds out that Martha is volunteering for The Women's Defense Auxiliary and he's upset by this. She tells him that the ballet company she was a part of is going to disband and her dream will go with it, so he scolds her again and she tells him this:

My heart hurts just seeing the anguish in face and in her words...!! 💔

And the heart break continues because Martha overhears that Henderson is going to be married off and she is devastated... But while in tears, she overhears that the dance is coming again, so this is her last chance to tell him how she feels...!

At the dance, Martha approaches Henderson:

Martha looks so cute here...!! 💗 I was so excited to see them dance together, that when I turned the page, something unexpected happened... I started to cry...:

Seeing them happy, even though just for this moment, it reminded me why I love Spy X Family so much... It's for these moments, the moments that most of S×F's cast is fighting for, the moments that we all should strive for...!! There are just so many bad things going on in the world that it makes wish that moments like these could be the norm for all instead of some...!! I just don't understand why must there be so much hatred and malice in the world... Why can't we all live in peace instead of conflict...

Gosh, I'm even crying now just writing all of that... I should probably start to wrap this up...!

So, just as Martha is about to confess to Henderson, this happens...:

...and the chapter ends... 💔😭💔

And that was Mission 98; truly such a heartwreching chapter to read, just like Mission 62 was...

I don't even know what else to say except thank you to Endo... Thank you for making this manga, for getting me feel all of these feelings, for giving me the opportunity to share these feelings with everyone that loves this series as much as I do...!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart...!! 💗

And thank you to all of you that reads this post...!! There's a lot of things that I wish that I could do to make the world a better place, but if this post inspires you in anyway, that's good enough for me...!! 💗

Sorry for rambling, but anyway... Until the next Mission; take care, be safe out there and thank you for reading...!! 🤗 Later!! 💗

[ivy-is-fine]

Kratt Drones

Part twooooo~

“Oh,” said the guy in green. “It is?”

Tessa made motions with her hands, flapping them about. Then, she checked the air quality and found that this was indeed, a pocket of hospitable environment on the planet of death. “Oh, you’re right.” She shook herself out. They should wait, V would surely come down any second after blasting all of the sentinels into bits. That was just a show. She couldn’t really be dead.

Meanwhile N over here was a mad wreck, he was visibly panicking, and Uzi appeared worse than usual.

N was pacing back and forth, eyes looking at the ceiling as the faint sound of sentinels roaring drifted down the elevator shaft. “We have to go back up and help her! If maybe we work together we can— but if we— but Uzi—” he started to ramble, tail lashing side to side.

Tessa turned her gaze to N. “Do that and you’ll get flashbanged and all sad and dead.”

“Is there something up there?” The guy in blue asked, the sound of the sentinels dying off.

“Yes, the sentinels. Robot dinosaur basilisk things,” Tessa said. “Where did you guys even come from?”

They shrugged. “We walked through this big fleshy door and it brought us here. I suppose we probably should have thought it through a bit more,” Green Man said. N and Uzi exchanged glances. Her arm was regenerating extremely slowly, millimeters at a time. “Oh, and I’m Chris and this is my brother Martin.”

They slid towards each other and made finger-guns. “And we’re the Kratt brothers!” they said in unison.

“Well I’m Tessa, that’s N and Uzi,” she said off-handedly. She glanced over at the elevator before looking away quickly.

Uzi stood up. She still seemed dazed, and N shifted to stand next to her. They were all in the labs now. Whatever the absolute solver had wanted, it was probably in here. This was where the answers were. Focus turned over to her. One of her eyes was shut and was glitching. N winced. “Are we gonna keep standing around like buffoons or what?” she snapped, voice breaking a bit. She didn’t want to think V was dead. In fact, she was probably going to appear in the elevator now, laughing at their faces, how stupid they were for thinking that she couldn’t shoot down a couple of cranky lizard-bots, and they would all laugh and cry and find out why the SOLVER OF THE ABSOLUTE FABRIC THERE WERE MORE HUMANS HERE? DIDN’T THEY ALL HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS?

There was a silence for a few minutes as they all looked at each other. The silence from above wasn’t reassuring either.

Tessa shook herself out like a dingo and twirled a pistol around on her finger, as if nothing at all had happened. “Well, let’s keep going then, ey? No point in crying over spilled milk!” She began a very determined walk down the dark corridor.

N, Uzi, Chris, and Martin looked at each other before trailing along behind Tessa.

“She’ll be back,” Uzi tried to whisper to herself. “She’ll just be in the shadows as a giant freaky centipede and we’ll have to kill her again and then a new clone will be shot back and we’ll be back to normal.”

N gave her a nervous look as they descended into the darkness. There were no lights other than the screens of the robots and N’s nanite tail.

One of the Kratt brothers lit a flashlight. Uzi felt too sick to use her tail. Her arm felt like it should have still been there. It was a terrible jolt everytime that she looked down and found it missing.

The hand that N had been holding. It was gone, and so was V. And there was a solid chance that the sentinels could be down here too.

Uzi tripped over something, and when N switched his hand to a flashlight it was a piece of an eldritch Disassembly Drone. A long claw curled in eternal agony.

Uzi looked up and saw that the halls were covered in gaping holes, broken walls, stained oil, and scattered drone parts. Many, many parts.

And it was warm down here. The two humans seemed cold. HOW COULD THEY BE COLD IN THIS SWELTERING CLIMATE?

They passed by a draft, and Chris coughed into his elbow violently. Martin didn’t appear as affected.

Tessa checked the air quality again. “You guys are gonna want filters and a suit, it’s ‘bouta get real nasty down in the pits,” she said. “One of these rooms ought to have filters.”Uzi thought it was stupid. That’s one good thing about being AI, she thought.

<;- Part One Part Three ->

[bybdolan]

quick ttpd thoughts

ok so. i did listen to a leak so I had time to sit with the OG album for a while. I have not yet listened to all the Anthology tracks, but this not-doing of something is part of my album reaction. Bear with me.

First of all: I am insanely impressed with Taylor for being this raw and messy on record. More distinguished haters have said that this album once again feels like self-mythologizing, but I personally do not agree. User dancefloors had an excellent take on this: the album is emotional and messy to a degree where you feel like you should not be listening to it. At least that's how I felt.

However, that also has a downside. I find many of the lyrics, especially on the standard edition, to be unpolished or downright cringe. This rambl-y first draft type of writing might work for other artists, but I never feel like it works for Taylor. The second line of Fortnight is so awful that I was CONVINCED the leak I heard was AI, and people have talked at length about the tattooed Golden Retriever. Girl. Almost every song had an insane clunker or two hidden in it. This is not helped by what I personally (!) perceive to be a bit of a rehashing of imagery and themes that have been prominent in songwriting trends for the past few years. Killing the woman you are jealous of, Cassandra, religious imagery .... Don't get me wrong, I think the call for "originality" at al costs can be detrimental to art, but frequently with this album i felt as if lines were haparzadly chosen to fit a certain "aesthetic" that didn't mesh well with the rest of the song. Like. Nothing about "my husband's cheating. I wanna kill him." communicates any deeper emotion. (Compared to e.g. Samia's "I hope you marry the girl from your hometown and I'll fucking kill her and I'll fucking freak out.")

The introductory poem is one of the worst things i have ever read.

The thing is. I don't always do well with new releases, they are overwhelming, etc., but I listened to the first four tracks and was like "how can anybody think this is good". Which IS a hater take, and there is much I do enjoy about the album, and I am happy others like it.But with the already present repetition PLUS 15 Tracks .... it is a bit too much. I could go on and on about the repetition of words and themes that feels a bit trite (smalltown stuff, "starry-eyed", "precocious"), but I don't wanna. I wish there had been more editing, and I think I have talked at length before about how I do not like this new era of just putting out everything.

Alas. I did not click with this album and there are very few tracks i want to go back to. So Long, London is a favorite because of the concise lyrics and beautiful production, I can bop to Down Bad, but daddy I love him is fun imagery-wise, Clara/Sam/Sophia/Marcus is sad and also. A Lot., So High School, and I dig "You're not Dylan Thomas, I'm not Patti Smith, this ain't the Chelsea Hotel, we're modern idiots". The 2am tracks need more attention, but I already like Looking Into Windows (?) much more than a lot of other tracks - generally, I enjoy the more genuinely sad Joe tracks about the slow demise of a relationship much more than the fast paced high strung ones.

anything else .... well. I don't know.

[gnomeniche]

SO. OKAY. "SILLY SAD DUCK" TALK BECAUSE IT HAS ME IN THE BIRDMANGELION MINES. welcome back to the corner where i spin conspiracy theories about duck.

so, "silly sad duck" was a bonus track from a dhmis album that was sent out to backers of the kickstarter in 2017. so it's pre-pilot and pre-tv show, which is important because i'm interested in this song in the context of the creators' ideas for where they could take dhmis and duck in particular.

this motherfucker's gonna get real fuckin speculative. and rambly. i'm very sorry i need to get all my thoughts out and it's the middle of the night so the structure's loose.

let's start out with some analysis of the song itself and the rest of dhmis surrounding it. the thing that immediately stands out is that this song, which is placed after every other song on the album, is about duck being "sad because he can't find his friends".

first of all. this was the last mental state we saw him in, and his fear of losing his friends keeps coming up in later dhmis media.

second of all. this kind of highlights how different his end was from his friends'?

like red and yellow were alive but isolated in relatively coherent false worlds, but as far as we know, duck just fucking died. and if he didn't, we don't know where he could have been. even the world he woke up in when he was being eaten was ambiguous.

a lot about his final moments were ambiguous. the metaphor is clear but the literal meaning of it is hazy. and he only appeared in the finale due to the machine glitching and bringing him out of... whatever limbo he went to after his consumption. this song's context, too, is ambiguous, and it makes significant use of audio glitches and distortion.

and like. this isn't the only time in post-original-series-dhmis that they've highlighted duck's existence relating oddly to the world's resets and the enforced narrative.

in the pilot he keeps repeating "i've lived in this town my whole life!" for seemingly no reason. this running gag is one of many reminders in the pilot that the three of them were somewhere BEFORE clayhill and they just can't remember. him insistently, dreamily saying it at odd occasions gives off the feeling that something about him has been thrown off. pilot!red gets flashes of awareness, but pilot!duck is strangely and pointedly unaware, as if he had been overwritten a little too forcibly. maybe due to both the shock of his death and how he disrupted the show so badly?

besides that, there's the connection between how he's pulled along by the antagonist of the pilot and how in the tv series he seems the least comfortable with throwing off the narrative. something about resets and death and punishments and replacements (though he's still the same even though he was replaced).

and SPEAKING of the whole replacement-but-does-it-really-matter thing, that's one of the weird interactions between duck's existence and the narrative in the tv show! along with that bit in the "electricity" blackout where there's his headless corpse next to a tv with a clip of him waving out at the screen that we've never seen before. which is another instance of duck in an ambiguous space. hm.

speaking of narrative, what's with the singer? who are they?

the singer acts like a narrator for the audience's benefit and maintains a warm, teacherly tone toward the student. the way they reads their lines gives the impression that they are doing the voice for duck; they inhale before the duck voice speaks its first line of gibberish. the dynamic of being a puppet on a show is extremely visible in this song.

to me, this gives off shades of lesley, our amiable narrator/puppeteer. i feel like this singer might have been some kind of precursor to her character. it could have been an early draft of an in-universe "show host" or "writer" presence, or it could have been a device that they used for this one song that later sparked the idea for the lesley character. but either way i think there's some kind of inspirational connection.

and the phrase "silly sad duck" itself... "silly" and "sad" are both fundamental to duck's character the way i interpret him. silly to deflect fears that may make him sad. however: how does the singer mean it? given how every other teacher in dhmis acts, they could very well be chiding him for being sad. saying that he's silly for grieving his loss? his sadness is silly?

and the singer's way of treating his loss as a cute little children's show (bc there’s a lot of these sweet-style little kids shows where a narrator speaks to an animated character as they do stuff! examples escape me rn though) might also serve to minimize legitimate pain in the characters as insigificant. which is a recurring theme with the authority figures in dhmis but i just wanna note its appearance here.

and the most important question: who IS that over there?

option 1: it's the other two! bc they came back once red pulled the plug and reset the show. he found his friends! the sweetness of this option IS undermined by the ominous deepening distortion of the narrator's voice at the end, but is the ending of dhmis not ALSO ambiguously sweet vs ominous. this does beg the question: is this song an in-universe thing. in the time between between his death and the plug pulling, was duck in some kind of puppet limbo where the meta of the show (where he's a puppet guided by a narrator) was a little thinner? if that's true, it would make sense with the increased meta associations of duck in later dhmis media.

option 2: it's NOT the other two. "who is it then" i don't know. but whatever it is, it can't be good. here's some sub-options:

2a: the audience? duck alludes to an audience a couple of times in a new series, and the clip of him on the tv in the blackout is waving at the screen and thus the watchers.

2b: a replacement? the first time his consciousness got transferred to another one of himself?

2c: another meta "puppeteer" figure like roy or lesley? maybe the featureless figures who are behind the cameras in "computers" and moving the puppets in "electricity"?

2d: a metaphorical thing of him realizing that the singer of the song is a separate person whose existence is weirdly enmeshed with his own? this one's probably too abstract but

so now we get to what i think it might mean regarding how the creators developed their ideas for the dhmis series. obvious disclaimer that i am not the creators and i cannot read their minds. this is just speculation.

this and the pilot are both two of the first pieces of post-original-series dhmis content, and they both show a strong focus on duck. which is very interesting to me. it couldn't have escaped the creators' notice that duck had a strange ending in the original series; both the pilot and the tv show constantly reference it.

this song focuses on duck's fear of being left alone. which is obv drawn from "health" (i've given up on calling it “food” bc the tracklist for the album calls the webseries 5 song "the healthy song"). but this trait keeps coming up in media released after this song was made? in the pilot, it's not explicit, but the way he's so easily able to be lured with the idea of keeping everything in the town secure could relate to this fear. and in the tv series, many of his negative reactions are spurred by his fears for his friends). and though we saw these traits in "health," what's interesting is that this song indicates a decision to keep and commit to this as a part of his character.

given this song's... everything... and how threads of its ideas keep running through the rest of dhmis, i really do feel like the creators have had the vague idea of something they want to do with duck's character development and and the narrative for a long time. in general, i think they've had many fairly consistent ideas for the direction of dhmis that they've been trying to shape across different iterations. like the whole "narrative is manipulating the protagonists and they will have to shatter it" thing

so, it's very interesting to me that duck's consequences of his own death, ambiguous existence within the world, and certain core character traits have seemingly been around for so long that they all come up in this bonus song from 2017.

just to be clear: i am not saying that the creators have had everything about dhmis planned out since the beginning. i truly do not think so. i just think it’s interesting to track the development of their ideas as they figured it out over time n what they decided to keep vs throw out. and i think it’s cool that you can kind of see it in these different stages of the show

anyway (pins all this up on a conspiracy board labeled with the words "get hype for birdmangelion" in huge block letters)

[whentommymetalfie]

Tagged by @bouncydragon. Thank you for giving me a chance to ramble!

20 questions for fan fiction writers

1. How many works do you have on ao3?

53

2. What’s your total ao3 word count?

642 307 (!)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently only Peaky Blinders

4. Top five fics by kudos

Breathe again, Kiss with a fist, Family is family, Little talks, Shattered and hollow

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to always do that for my WIPs but sometimes I forget to when I get a comment on an older fic. But that doesn't mean I don't read and appreciate them!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I was about to say that I never write angsty endings, because I can't handle them, but then I remembered about whumptober where I dabbled in that, sort of. I think it's a tie between Aversion and Confinement, and even those have a glimpse of hope at the end because I'm just like that.

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh that's a tough one, since happy endings are my jam, so I've got plenty. But I think that To live a life, an installment in my first AU has a very happy ending, considering the angst that comes before.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I recall getting like... one really nasty comment once, years ago, but I've completely forgotten what it said, because I just deleted it and was sad about it for a few days and now it's gone from my mind, I just remember it happening because it's so rare.

And I've gotten a comment or two where a reader has disapproved of something in a fic, or where it's clear that they've interpreted something an entirely different way than I intended, and where they've chosen to express that in a not entirely nice way. I think when that's happened, I've left the comment, but haven't responded to it, because I just don't feel like going into discussions or spending my energy of that. But mostly all my readers are incredibly kind, which is a huge reason why I keep posting my work.

9. Do you write smut?

I have on occasion written a fic or two mostly focused on smut, upon request, and I incorporate sex-scenes into fics when I feel they serve a purpose.

10. Craziest crossover?

I've never written one, but I'm not opposed to them

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, a few!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope

14. All time favorite ship?

Well got to be Tommy/Alfie right? Just look at all my... stuff.

15. What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I have plenty of shorter unpublished wips where I've just wanted to 'try' an idea, or get something out of my head. Or be especially self indulgent. Those never get past the draft stage. But anything I truly want to finish and post, I usually do finish. Eventually.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I honestly think that one of my writing strengths is keeping at it, even when everything feels impossible, because without that stubbornness, many of my fics would've gotten finished. Cheesy as it may sound.

On a more technical note, I think -hope- that I'm good finding a good pace in my stories, at least my latest ones. And... describing emotions maybe.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

The first thing that comes to mind, and that often feel the most limited by, is that English is my second language. That always adds a layer of insecurity. And I'm not great at writing action, or scenes with many characters (I always feel like I'm trying to juggle with way too many balls)

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

I think it can work great when it serves a purpose, but with my lacking language skills I just incorporate into the text that a character isn't speaking English, rather than typing the dialogue out in the actual language.

19. First fandom you wrote in?

My first ever fanfic I posted was for True Blood. Ten years ago now, which feels crazy.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

Tough one... If I'm only allowed finished fics, I'd have to say Breathe Again, because it's my first truly long, multi-chaptered project and I grew a lot as a writer -I think- while writing that. But I do want to give Home to you it's own shoutout (even if I have yet to finish that last chapter that's haunting me because I'm so afraid to mess it up) because it's so intrinsically connected to Breathe again.

tagging (with no pressure of course, and apologies if you've already been tagged) @abusivelittlebunny @100dabbo @andtherewerefireworks @elskiee

[acourtofthought]

regarding your previous anon I just wanted to say that in a fairly recent livestream/interview deal she did in the last few years she said 'not much has changed since my initial drunken ramblings in the beginning' I'm paraphrasing there, but I don't think she's gonna make any big ship changes when she's close to wrapping up the series (also it was so funny to see e/riel's being all over that like it was ever planned from the beginning lololol)

YESSSS!!!!

If you ever find out exactly which one that was, I would love to know because I remember hearing that but have since forgotten where so I was never able to include a screenshot or link in my posts. She said "not much has changed from that initial pitch but the world has now expanded".

If we think back to that drunken rambling and when she pitched her ideas to her then editor, we were told a few things.

She said she knew who the first two spin-off books would be about but she was keeping the third open. For the third, she was debating between 5 possible ships and was considering a book set Pre ACOTAR.

That particular drunk lunch took place in 2016 (I'm guessing) as she was still drafting ACOWAR.

If, in 2016, she knew who the first two spin-off books would be about then logically, who did that mean?

Nesta and Elain. Especially when she says in multiple interviews she would love to tell the sisters stories one day and we know she had already done research for Elain's book while pregnant with her first child who was born in June of 2018.

Who also had the most buildup as a possible love interest for the sisters in ACOMAF / ACOWAR? (around the same time she said she knew who she wanted the first two books to be about?).

Cassian and Lucien hands down. Lucien's ENTIRE story in ACOWAR was based around worrying for Elain's safety, fighting his way to be by her side, helping her through her depression, going after an army based on her vision, giving her time to deal with her engagement to Graysen, running all the way from the shore to find her after battle, his having met her father, her inviting him back to Velaris, him standing beside her during the meeting at the end of the book.

Az and Elain might have had a few "moments" in ACOWAR that E/riels use for their proof of endgame but Az was still 100% in love with Mor when you consider that he still looked at her with hunger in ACOFAS while Elain was sitting in the room with him. The question at the end of ACOWAR was not "will Elain and Az get together" but "what will Elain and Lucien do about her mating bond now that she invited him back to Velaris". When the author wasn't sure who was getting the third book and everything suggests Elain was getting the second, all signs pointed to Elain and Lucien as the main POV especially when you consider that as an individual Lucien also had way more buildup than Az in ACOWAR. He was SA by Ianthe, chased out of his home in Spring, was feeling sadness over not having a home when Feyre slipped into his head, guilt over Jesminda, the pull to Elain, the reader (but not Lucien himself) finding out Helion is his actual father, and he fought in his first war. SJM left us with too many unresolved plots for Lucien to not give him a book.

It wasn't until after the release of SF and she was discussing it that she made the comment above "my plan for the intial spin-offs didn't change but the world expanded."

And you know what expanded?

Az suddenly got a bit more of a mysterious background, he got a bonus with hints of a possible mating bond, and SJM introduced the possibility of time-travel what with Merrill's research and the Trove's ability to open doors between worlds. Az ended up connected to the crossover.

THEN it was later announced that she was contracted for additional books (and maybe a new series).

If her intial plan didn't change then Nessian and Elucien were always going to be resolved first and now Az's romantic arc / journey is the direction she decided to take things after finishing the main story of the Archern sisters.

Yes, Az and Elain nearly kissed and had a harmless flirtation going on but it never got off the ground did it?

Ever since the Elucien bond snapped into place, the real question has not been "will Elain and Az end up together" but "will Elain and Lucien end up accepting their mating bond?" And just as SJM had Nesta share experiences with others before ending up with Cassian, she had Elain attempt to have an experience with Az but I don't think he was ever meant to be more than a slight detour in the Elucien journey so as to make their path to one another a bit more tension filled. And I think the reason SJM introduced Az's possible mate in his bonus is that she didn't want readers to feel bad for him for too long because even though she's on track for an Elucien endgame, we know that Az isn't going to be sad for very long as he's got his own mate waiting in the wings.

[sincerely-sofie]

One thing I will say is that saying you "disagree with the term queer" Is Not A Great Look, but that could easily be a me not getting the wording as intended thing - The above assumes you mean just, queer in general though it feels more like you might've meant in reference to yourself? (Which is entirely fine - I'm of the opinion that any given label should be opt-in to anyone who's genuine about it rather than mandatory.)

Really, the main important thing I appreciate is being able to accept others where they're at. Being able to just say "Yeah, sure, ok" and go along even if I don't personally understand is honestly one of my core beliefs* too, and with minimal disrespect it's nice seeing this from a Christian. The little I actually know suggests something worth looking into, and the notion of an eternal soul is something I find fairly agreeable (if not strictly the outcomes of that.) Then again, I'm someone whose personal experience with religion can be described as a tangled web of jokes that ran too long and accidentally became character traits, so, maybe not the best judge of anything here. Also, wow, this post got away from me quickly. Originally meant to just put in the first paragraph and call it good.

*I draw a hard line the second that personal belief starts meaning harm to others. Believe what you want about yourself, but anyone saying someone else needs to change their ways (bar the very beliefs this targets, primarily meaning bigotry/racists) because of a thing YOU feel a certain way about simply can't be tolerated.

Thanks for the critique! Looking back, I definitely should have written “disagree with the term queer FOR myself” (which was actually the original wording I drafted) rather than “disagree with the term queer myself”. I was trying to cut down on my wordiness as I edited my response, but I ended up just making it a confusing sentence to read. Curse my proofreading anxiety. 

I'll try not to get into it too much here because it'd probably derail this entire response to your ask, but I've got a lot of mixed feelings with most labels, especially ones that were formerly derogatory terms. My church has worked hard to pivot from being called “Mormons” because among other (honestly more important) reasons, the term was basically used as a snide and condescending way to refer to my church, and it quickly became the default phrase for addressing us. The fact that members of my faith were basically referring to themselves with an insult as I grew up in the church never really sat well with me, even if we took pride in it. I'm super impressed by those who can take once-painful words and make them into badges of honor, but for me personally, it's a real emotional minefield. Hence, in part, why I don't agree with using the term queer for myself. It's a matter of preference and personal implications.

Agh, I really rambled on for a while there. I hope that made sense.  

For your second paragraph— it's sad to me that so many people have had such disheartening experiences with Christians. I swear, most of us are loving people. There's just an unfortunate amount of very vocal bible-bashers who forget that God's greatest instructions to us were to love Him and love others. 

If you're interested, there's a lot of resources on my church’s website if you'd like to learn more about what we believe (though there's no pressure from me to read up on it!) I just felt like I should share because we don't believe in a Hell where people burn for all eternity. 

We believe in three different “kingdoms” that everyone will be sorted into, with interaction between them being possible so families and friends can visit each other if they end up divided. The least glorious kingdom (for lack of a better term) is still an absolutely amazing place, full of light and happiness. There is a sort of Hell called Outer Darkness that I guess anyone reading about could see it as a form of eternal punishment, but people choose to go there themselves— it's a form of willing separation from God that happens when people who have an absolutely perfect knowledge of the gospel still choose to go the opposite direction. It's not somewhere you go because you drank coffee or swore in life. That'd be ridiculous.

… I opened my mouth and a missionary came out. Oops. 

Anyhoo, that last paragraph is a big deal, Anon! People need to be able to choose for themselves what they'll do in their lives— any forced change is not change at all, and the second you do harm to another person that isn't in the defense of yourself or others, you're in the wrong. As you can probably tell from my tangent above, I'm an advocate for missionary work, which could be seen as telling people they need to change their ways, but the type of missionary work I stand behind is the kind that invites people to learn more— never forces— and respects when they say no. Always honor agency is my motto. Invite, don't incite. That sort of thing. 

Thanks again for the critique! I appreciate your willingness to send it in and share your thoughts. I'll add a link to this ask in my original post so that if anyone else is confused by my wording, they'll be able to see this and get some better information. 

[blorb-el]

hullo! I read your chapter of your au with the Very Horrible Lex and the Very Baby Kon and the Very Sad Clark and i love it sosososo much! The GOOD ANGST my dood.

I want you to know i’ve been daydreaming abt it. Heck, i was daydreaming WHILE reading it- i mean that’s actually normal for me when i’m invested in smthn, but fr i kept getting distracted by So Many Thoughts and Feelings tm. Took me longer to read than it should’ve but rest assured that’s a positive thing!

i read the fic you based it on, and it was great! But so far im liking yours better >v>

I wanna see the rescue and the recovery! I wanna see it get worse first! I wanna see Clark attempt to raise Kon the best he can in the worst of circumstances! The love and human connection thriving even in the midst of a hurricane of cruelty— it’s so good bestie!

uhh anyway! The point of this ask: I wanna know, how did you come up with the title? “We shall be free; we shall find peace”? oVo?

Thank you!! That's basically how it came about, daydreaming about the fic that inspired it!

So I really love the fanfic tradition of using lowercase AestheticTM song lyrics as titles. Fic is already inherently intertextual, and I think it's fun to add another layer of intertextuality onto that; I named one of my other fics with a lyric mostly because 1. the lyric fits their relationship! and 2. the juxtaposition between Wholesome Radio Pop Lyric and soft d/s xeno tentacle pwp still makes me laugh.

At first the draft was just called 'horrible lex au,' and then I thought about using two other quotes before settling on the title. That's the tl;dr of it all, the rest of this is under a cut for plot spoilers for the overall arc of the entire fic, and also so, so much rambling:

The first title I was thinking about was be sure your heart is brave from Aeschylus' Agamemnon, but that quote is the chorus speaking to Cassandra right before she's about to be killed; her bravery is a heavy burden reaction to the monstrous injustices that have brought her to that point, like Clark and Kon... but then she's brutally murdered. Plus the power dynamic situation is... let's say, very different. It's an extraordinary, immortal line but the narrative arc I've got planned strays too far from the original arc, and in the end I decided I didn't want the shadow of a way better tragedy hanging over my little fanfic.

Chorus: Woman, be sure your heart is brave; you can take much. Cassandra: None but the unhappy ever hear such praise.

The next line I was thinking about went too far in the other direction, taste a morning out there, which is from one of the best 'I Want' songs, Out There from the Disney Hunchback of Notre Dame. Quasimodo's story of being thought monstrous and being imprisoned and gaslit by a socially powerful manipulator parallels Clark and Kon better than Cassandra's, but in the end the literal line itself doesn't fit right with either Clark or Kon. Clark, at the beginning of the fic, has atrophied to the point where he can only conceive wanting for such things through wanting them for Kon, and Kon, as we'll see soonish, isn't locked up underground the way Clark is. Plus, the fic is... lighter than the Orestia for sure but a hell of a lot grimmer than Disney, lol. I do have it on my writing playlist though.

So in the end I went back to one of my absolute favorite pieces of media ever, Fidelio. We shall be free; we shall find peace is a line from the Prisoner's Chorus in that opera. The solo prisoner that sings the line invites the rest of the prisoners to begin hoping, and from there, despite the sobering reminders of the dangers they face, that they're being watched, the music swells into a yearning for freedom so powerful it's difficult to understand how it passed the censors in 1805.

First solo: Hope whispers softly to me: We shall be free, we shall find peace. Chorus: Oh Heavens! Salvation! What happiness! Oh freedom, freedom, will you return? Second solo: Speak softly! Be on your guard! [The jailer's] eyes and ears are on us.

And then - the head jailer returns, and the prisoners are brought back to reality, forced back into their dark cells at the end of the act. The temporary respite is over.

Farewell, warm sunshine - how quickly you fly from us. Night is fallen upon us, from which no day shall break.

The simple act of hoping is like a breath of fresh air, temporarily alleviating their suffering, but it doesn't materially change their circumstances; it takes a number of outside forces to do that, which will be paralleled in the fic. Love and hope is all they have, and it's not enough, but it does make the torment bearable until Bruce/Leonora uncovers the extent of The Horrors and Diana/Don Fernando can deus ex machina everyone into the sunlight.

All in all, the line is a very succinct summary of the plot. Clark and Kon will be free, and they will find peace, but they have to find out what both of those mean, reclaiming their agency in the process.

oooor at least that's the plan. chapter 2 is about 90% edited and can probably be ready this weekend, I hit a little plot snag in chapter 3-5 so chunks of that are undergoing rewrites, but the good news there is that the rewrites are SO much better than the original draft and there will be some bats showing up earlier than there otherwise would have been. I did uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kind of lose my job a few days after posting the first part, so updates will be slower than I'd like, especially since I'll have to move to a different state if I get the positions I'm currently applying to 😓

[docnoctem]

will u ever write for gorillaz again? i hope im not intruding/demanding or anything its just ur 2doc is possibly like. the only one i feel like i will ever ever enjoy. its so good. i miss it so much. but either way, i totally understand if u wont. hope you're well <3

Hello! It's not intruding at all; it's very meaningful to me to know there are people out there who enjoy my writing. I know I've lamented so much about it on my other blog (non-Gorillaz followers of this blog who didn't even know I wrote sad grotty fic, look away) that it must become tedious, it must feel overdramatized, but... it is true that writing carries a certain loneliness in it. At least, writing as I interacted with it did. It was difficult to put such a daunting amount of time and vulnerability into a more serious piece of writing, any piece of writing, and to then think it just disappears; it falls off the front page, and anyone who encounters it again for the rest of the internet's lifespan views it as "old," and therefore the author has ceased to exist in more than a few letters at the top of the page. All of that is to say that it really, really does mean something to me when someone like yourself reaches out. I never have anything but gratitude for that.

Will I write 2Doc again? Maybe! I certainly haven't thrown the characters away entirely, and I still have hope alive in my heart that something can stir my love in coming phases... one really great piece of Jamie art or really tawdry interview that catches something of the characters I loved could pull me back, I like to think! It's not really a question of whether I'd write 2Doc, but more whether I'll find the time to write again at all. I had many ambitions for personal writing that I never saw through, and even felt a spark and began drafting ideas for mostly-unrelated fic... but I'm sorry to offer the unglamorous reveal that working 40-50 hours a week can really tire you out mentally, and I haven't made the time for writing. I will never say never! But at the moment, writing has been more of a theoretical thing for me.

When we do get more Gorillaz news and art with a new phase, if there's something worthwhile there, I'd like to at least whip up some joking dialogue, maybe some short drabbles if I don't feel up to a full fic again! And I'm always happy to talk about the characters over on @tothedarkdarkseas if you give me the opportunity to ramble!

[moonchild-in-blue]

went outside to let one of my kitties play in the snow while the train was passing, the neighborhood was very peaceful and quiet. 💚

(i dressed appropriately for the cold, I promise)

Like street lamps, we glow so dim Like four walls, you've shut me in

I took a while to reply to this because I got weirdly emotional (what a surprise, pathetic wet cat girl is crying again), and rambled waay too much, so I'll spare you all and keep this under a cut.

Warning, this is Long and makes very little sense - I drafted it earlier this morning but wanted to get a picture of that ^ before posting. Also ignore my mistake lol, I should've double checked the lyrics beforehand.

You, know I spent a very long time last night looking at this picture. Something about the orange glow on the white layer of snow that is just... so peaceful and melancholic. I have a weird attraction to street lights - can't really explain why, but something about them makes me weirdly emotional (when I say I easily cry at the weirdest things, I'm not kidding in the slightest).

And then the snow.

Where I'm from, where I live, we don't have snow. Ever. Save for a small part of the very north of the country, the rest of us never get it - plenty of hail, and 5 minutes of barely-snow during a particularly cold day if you're extremely lucky, but never the real deal.

The first time I saw real, white, fluffy snow was during the autumn of 2016, right after moving to the UK for my studies. I was 19. It was such a beautiful moment - me and a bunch of other students from the dorms went out in our pjs at like, 4 or 5am to play in the snow. The first heavy snow I experienced was 2 years later, November 2018.

For the few years I lived there, I got to live through some wonderful snow days. It was amazing to wake up, look out my apartment window, and see the whole street covered in white. It's the one thing I genuinely miss about the UK.

Seeing this picture, the cars covered in white, the golden orange light, the night, dark and silent and peaceful, brought back so many memories of my early 20s nights. Getting home at 1am, exhausted and on the verge of tears, after a shitty shift at work. Me and my flatmates singing on the streets after one too many drinks at our favourite pub. 3am runs to the dingiest takeaway possible for oily chips and disgusting pizza.

So much of these seemingly ordinarily experiences are things that I will never get to live again. And that's fine and expected - I can't be 22 forever, and thank God I'm not! But I do get nostalgic about those times.

Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday that I was waiting on the cold for a taxi after a house party, annoyed at myself for not kissing the guy I had a crush on. Sometimes they feel so distance, like forgotten memories belonging to someone else. And I don't know, this kinda brought back so many emotions, I had to take a moment to sort them out.

This also reminded me of a Midwest Emo album cover. Like, I can 100% see this picture on the next Real Friends / The Wonder Years / American Football / whatever band cover.

In particular, it reminded me of these two songs (aside from that first song I shared. Which btw I can't reccomend them enough). They're a bit sad (no surprises there), and not really related to your photo at all, but uhhhh yeah. I'm sharing anyways. Because why not.

Something about midwest emo/pop-punk bands that just puts you in a hyper contemplative mood 👍

If you read this whole nonsense ramble, I apologise. Once I get sentimental, it's hard not to pour over. I will never not be a sad emo girl, no matter how much time it passes lol 💙💚

Here's a nice cookie for your troubles 🤲🍪

[moreespressoformydepresso]

So to get to the soulmate identifying mark and the actual story/fix-it part of the my Treech x Gaius x Festus soulmate AU, it uhm… took me longer than expected to type this. I was a dumbass who decided it was bedtime and then completely forgot to keep working on this draft lmao. Whoopsies.

There are many soulmate identifiers that could work in this AU, but I tend to stick with marks because it gives Treech a good excuse to already be aware of the bond. It adds an extra layer of character that he’d know about it and actively choose not to share this information. Their mark has a floral pattern, symbolizing Festus and Gaius’s positive personality traits. The aspect of the mark that represents Treech is the fact that this floral pattern is actually a wood carving. The wood texture is easy to miss if you aren’t looking for it, but it’s there. It represents not only Treech’s passion for wood carving, but just his creative side in general. He's also not scared to speak his mind, and art is a form of self-expression. Treech is present in the core of the mark, under the surface but undeniably there. Kind of like their eventual dynamic, where Gaius and Festus have power but they’re so in love that Treech is the one calling the shots. Since Capitol elite is a whole lot of social climbing Treech is arguably the first person to ever show outright disdain for them, and even when he starts to like them he’s not afraid to speak his mind. And since he’s their soulmate, they actually care about his opinion.

Alright, with that ramble out of the way, lets get fixing:

So this AU starts on the first day, where Coryo brings Lucy Gray the rose and she mentions it reminds me of her soulmark (part of the mark is a guitar with a white rose motif). Then in the zoo she mentions playing the guitar and the gears start turning in Coryo’s head. After a brief stint of denial he realizes that Sejanus is also his soulmate and from the districts so really it’s not that impossible. One trip to the zoo later confirms that yes they’re a threesome. Coryo goes through his mental gymnastics of “well she’s Covey so it’s fine” until Sejanus smacks down his pitiful grasping at straws. After all, he considers himself district, so Coryo’s logic isn’t logicing very well. He brings it to Tigris, who helps him come to the correct conclusion that maybe the world isn’t black and white. Maybe judging people based on where they were born isn’t good, actually. And also Lucy Gray is gonna be sent into an arena to die soon so really regardless of whether she’s district or not the clock is fucking ticking so he better figure something out and get a move on. Which he does by talking to Gaul, who does not listen to a word he says hammers on about her stupid theory about humanity.

One talk with Sejanus helps Coryo realize that maybe Gaul’s world isn’t gospel and actually she’s kind of crazy? Sejanus, meanwhile, has the realization that his boyfriend isn’t exactly healthy minded and hasn’t been all that upfront with him about how close he is with Gaul. What nonsense she’s been feeding him and all that. So he starts digging, as he does, and over the course of this story he and Lucy Gray slowly help Coryo realize that Gaul is wrong and that while the loss of his parents is sad, the Capitol has done much worse than the districts ever did for far longer. Their treatment of the districts caused the rebellion, so if anyone’s to blame it’s the Capitol. But before they can bring systematic change they need to make sure Lucy Gray doesn’t die next week, and while Coryo is planning to stick with cheating his soulmates aren’t about that. The other tributes deserve to live as well, so hey why not shoot high and try to cancel the games entirely? But Gaul isn’t gonna stop and Highbottom has no say so what can they do?

Expose the bond. That’s what they can do. They get a news crew to the zoo and reveal their shared soulmarks on camera, live so no Capitol censorship can take it down. It causes quite the problem for Gaul, who tries to save her precious games and thus basically “disowns” Coryo as her apprentice. This is the final push that gets Coryo to choose being a good person. However, he has two soulmates that are considered district and the Snow family lost a lot of influence so Gaul is using that to argue that this bond doesn’t “count” as proof that the district people aren’t vile animals. This is where Treech and his bond comes in. Gaius and Festus have been pushed as a power couple for a long while so at some point Treech caught a glimpse of their soulmark and realized it’s his own. It’s in a pretty hidden spot (either on their sides or torsos) so he decides to keep this information to himself. Until he realizes the games may actually at least be postponed if he reveals it.

But he has no idea how to go about it until Gaul’s pushing causes the interviews to come around. It’s the day before the games and it’s not like there’s anything to lose so Treech decides it’s time for a hail mary pass. And on live TV, in front of a massive audience, he reveals the mark. Lucky asks him whether he knows his soulmate and whether they’re waiting for him, so Treech smiles and says he’s never talked to them but he knows who they are, and he’s not sure whether it’s a blessing or a curse. Then when asked what that means, he starts lifting/pulling aside his shirt to show the mark while saying:

“Well, one of them lives in luxury thanks to the pain that me and everyone I’ve ever known has been put through. The other one openly jokes about said pain and clearly thinks it’s funny. I’m not sure if I really want to get to know them.”

Cue gasps all around. Shocked whispers and murmurs floating through the air while Lucky tries to figure out how to salvage this situation before a whole brawl breaks out because guess what? Treech has just irrefutably debunked the only thing that kept the games from being cancelled. Lucy Gray’s bond wasn’t with true capitolites? Well Gaius and Festus have been pushed as the greatest example of a golden capitol bond and now this nobody from the lumber district turns out to be a part of it! There isn’t really any arguing against that. To rub further salt into the wound Treech continues.

“It’s okay, they probably wouldn’t want me anyways. Since they need me dead to win a cash prize and all that. As if they need more money when the shoes they’re wearing right now are already more expensive than my entire existence.” Treech smirks. “And if they do want me, then too bad. I don’t want anything to do with them.”

“Why not?”

“Well again, one of them is the son of the guy behind all of my suffering. The other one… he was mean to Panlo. How dare anyone be mean to Panlo?!”

That accidental display of humanity (dismissing someone entirely because “they were mean to my friend”) is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, and finally there’s enough proof for those opposed to the games to grow in numbers and start mass-protesting the day of the games. Some gather in front of the president’s mansion while the rest groups in front of the arena to prevent the games from starting. And it works. I have several snippets of what happens after this but I’ll write those out later. And I’ll write a short post with all the quotes I’ve thought up for this AU. Eventually. For fun.

[irlrikomoriyama]

It’s me again! I loved your thoughts on Jack and Sheena! I always see so little of him and it’s always “he’s a homophobic asshole who is bad at exy and jealous of Neil for getting Kevin’s attention” but I genuinely think there’s so much more to that. I feel like he did want to be a Raven and he wants to see the mighty Kevin and Riko. Now for his personal issues with Neil I think it’s something like he hates how everyone adores Neil because he believes he’s a better player who has worked SO much harder then him. He’s memorized all the Raven exercises and pushed himself harder than anyone. He deserves to be recognized. In my personal opinion (which I can’t wait to hear your ideas on him) I believe that he hasn’t gotten away from his abusers and is still actively in a situation where he has not gotten over his problems and that’s why he’s so angry all the time. He’s an amazing player and one that stuck out to Kevin Day. He is probably so excited to meet his idols and play on a team with them. Only to be disappointed at how different it is from what he pictured. Sorry for the ramble by the way!

No need to apologize I love hearing that! It's funny to see how different people give depth to the background characters. Jack is really more of a concept for fanbase. Can't really blame people for simplifying him like this we haven't really got much to work with and sometimes people just need plot device to be mad at it's nothing personal, jack really is riko just with even less screen time and even less content lul. You will have the most fun when you wont rely on others to portray him the way you enjoy developing him, characters like this are basically fandom co owned oc's so it,s better to not get too hopeful about others creating content exactly the way you like it. But I love reading stuff like that! we have one thing in common then my jack is def disappointed upon meeting the boys , but as i sad Riko was already a success story to keep things interesting Jack will sadly get opposite of that treatment in narrative. Not everyone can or want to be helped, Foxes were not happy to meet jack , dressed red and black and referring to Riko as Raven king to other man's clear discomfort. But hey .. if Riko could go through it and be tolerable then there sure is hope for Jack .. right? Jack is the worst kind of sport fan - the one who often doe snot even attend the games instead favouring meetings few streets away fights under bridges and needles violence in name of beloved teams. I think a lot of blood got spilled in name of ravens over the 39 years the team was around they just attract people like this. Jack was perfect example of it, perfectly brainwashed by nests ideas and had not even set a foot inside, Tetsuji woudl have been proud, Riko and Kevin wan to vomit. For Riko it's first time truly seeing how brainwashed by raven propaganda people could have become. Jack life was not easy, he comes form military family, his home has set of rules written on a wall both for behaviour and for looks, Jack was not allowed to wear red not allowed to paint his eyes black or dye his hair - things many raven fans did to fit in. Jack was supposed to get drafted but due to his health conditions it would never be an option which led to his father treating him like lost cause waste of space, Jack going to military was the only worth and hope the man had for this boy. It's okay Jack never cared, getting thrown out of house meant freedom and lack of attachment no need to look back He headed to Palmetto got involved with social services this way meeting Renee when she was volunteering, and then down the line wymack. yes yes it was all planned Because now he was in foxes (fuck foxes) with Riko Riko who was much shorter than on tv. Riko who was captain of ravens, the strongest and best team, the person who never allowed other to mistreat him, fierce and dangerous, Jack wanted to be just like that<3 Sadly Riko was not all that any more. And instead of breaking it it just fuelled Jacks obsession, because with good few inches over Riko he started fantasizing about overpowering him, wouldn't this put him at the top of food chain? Jack is the reason Arron does not use slurs any more Arron would never want to sound the way this guy did when referring to Arrons brother and his boyfriend. Jack is the reason Nicky profoundly apologized to Neil and ... Matt over the things he done to them in the past and started therapy with new doctor not connected to rest of them because.... because of Jack so yeah anon I will most likely not give jack redemption or even happy end Riko is my boy for that , but it's not because i dislike him or the idea of him but because i just find him more interesting this way , he need to fill the Riko shaped slot in my doll house.

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Looooong ass vent

TW for: Self hate. Lots of swearing. Use of not nice words. Eating disorders, purging, self harm, suicide, rants, venting, tons of triggers, dissociation, lying, all caps, me whining, me being a bitch, mistreatment, body shaming, hateful stuff, mental illness, all that- like seriously this has more TWs than I can think of. .

I'm a jealous person. I'm sorry, it's true. I'm jealous when other people have art that gets 40, 50, more notes. I get jealous when my friends have better friends than I ever could be. I get jealous of song writers because damnit please I want to make music. I get jealous of others art,voices, bodies. I get so jealous I get mad at nothing over nothing. I get jealous at others art styles, at other success, i get jealous at my own FRIENDS wow I'm awful

I'm selfish. I'm greedy because I can't just- be fucking happy with what i do have. I can't be patient to get better at drawing, better at recording my voice, more freedom. I am never satisfied, I'm a fucking whore for any sort of love and attention and likes and reblogs. You hear me? I'm, a, whore.

And I'm fucking awful because I can't take criticism for shit, I get so fucking unhappy at it and I lie and I say I'm happy to receive it. I lie all the time like this, I'm a dishonest whore, that's worse than a normal whore! I get so bent out of shape!

And I want to make it big in the Tumblr community BUT FUCK IT BECAUSE I NEVER FOCUS ON ONE THING

M so impatient

And when I talk to my friends I-

I forget all that. I calm down, I feel... wanted.

But I'm burdening them. I'm burdening them I'm burdening them I'm I'm fucking selfish and horrible because they give and give and give and I take like a needy selfish greedy whore.

AND I DON'T SHUT UP, I'm sorry I'm sorry I never shut up

...I'm... awful. And... I shouldn't keep posting shit like this, because nobody should have to read my rambling and shit and I'm overreacting and I want to die and

Im useless irl BTW. I've been nothing but a stupid moody bitch the past two weeks, I stay up all night doing nothing and wake up at 5 pm like a useless piece of human shit that should burn in the garbage

I keep forgetting who I am, who is talking too

Im sooooooooo uselessssssssssss

Its fucking because I think my family would be happier if I didn't exist. Because that'd be one less stupid moody bitch that can't do anything and hides in their room all day that they have to deal with

Im lazy I get apathetic I have no motivation to do anything and I don't cry at sad movies like a broken robot and everything about me is wrong

And my father wanted a daughter so fucking badly, but I'm not a girl I'm nothing and he'd be so mad if I ever told him

And BTW I'm literally awful like I've run out of things I'm a jealous whore

M a whore because all tye time I think of stupid sexual stuff and then I feel disgusted I'm disgusting I barely take showers

I'm pathetic btw I never finish anything I start I have so many half assed AUs and drafts and fanfics and art and chores and needs and shit

and I sit in my room all day and play on my phone like a fucking loser. Im also really stupid btw, I don't know half the shit I'm supposed too and I can't spell shit or know history AND I HAVE THE ABILITY TO LEARN BUT IM SUCH A STUPID FUCKING BITCH I NEVER DO ANYTHING

I'm also a hypocrite because I get so snappy and shit with my siblings when they do nothing wrong except be annoying or something but when I feel justified I shouldn't because I'm still a shitty person

I barely reach out to my friends unless they text first, I'm a horrible friend that never listens I'm sorry I'm sorry I never meant to abandon anyone

And I can't take blame or accountability I'm sorry I am shit why do I keep trying to hide behind myself??

Its past 6 am,people are statving and in here venting like a bitch

I never shut up

I Bother people

i sleep in and I'm moody and I demand attention like a whore whose demanding love idfk

I never know anything, I'm rude as hell

Im sorry

and I'm protective over shit nobody cares about, I'm so damn defensive

Im sorry I'm not doing better I'm sorry I'm not improving myself. I'm so mad at myself I have so much anger at myself I direct it at innocent people I'm sorry

I HAVE NO EXCUSES, IM SO FUCKING SELF AWARE OF THIS BUT I KEEP DOING IT KM SO DAMN FHCKONG DUM IM LUTERALLY COUNTING HOW MANY WORDS OF SELF HSTE

Its justified BTW, i deserve hate

I feel like I'm lying abt being a system and artistic and depressed and anxiety like what I'd I just suddenly decided I had them?? I swear I promise I'm not faking I'm not I don't want to lie I want to be good I never meant to hurt anyone BUT I FEEL LIKE IM A FAKING BITCH

I binge food and throw it up, I hide food like a greedy pig just to purge I take others food because I'm so gluttonous and I LIE about it

and I vent and vent and vent and... and I still hate myself

I'm so fucking manipulative because anytime I talk I CSNT STOP IMSGING HOW THE CONVERSATION WILL GO, I CANT STOP TRYONG TO FUCKING GET MY WAY IRL, AHHGHGBTIDDHDH I ALEATS ACT LIKE I KNOW EVERYTHING WHEN I DONT and I purposefully annoy my siblings so they leave thr kitchen so I can binge like a fat pig, I'm a hypocrite too in every aspect. I'm toxic ok im awful

I s/h and then i forget about it so its not even a problem but I whine like it is and I want to do it so badly rn I wanna go deep

AND I RUINED MYSELF WITH UGLY SCATS they're so ugly like me inside and out

And I wanna cry and

and I'm so awful because like I get so... idk, I am. I've done shifty things, I'm a shit person. I act sweet than a condescending little bitch

and sometimes the smallest things set me off

Im jealous of everyone else

Hell I'm fucking jealous of people I've never met, I want so much so badly I'm so greedy and lustful for it and selfish

In... conclusion? The world, would, be, better, without, me

I'm useless, lazy, stupid, jealous, slutty, angry, sad, pitiful, pathetic, fat looking, no good child, moody, stereotypical, ugly, hateful, chatter box, greedy, selfish. Gluttonous, messy, dirty. I'm all the bad stuff

Dont lie, these are facts. I have so much awful in me, the world wpuld be better off without me

[clairelsonao3]

Writer Q&A Tag Game

Thank you to @winterandwords for tagging me in this one! I love Q&As, I don't care what the questions are!

1. What motivates you to write?

The pursuit of fame and fortune.

Just kidding. No, in all honesty, there was a time when I was obsessed with writing for the market. I still want to make money with my fiction someday, I'm not gonna lie. But actually, it's always been about telling stories that I know no one else will tell and that need to be told. If I'm that invested in a story, nothing will stop me from finishing it.

2. A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

This is the last section of the opening chapter of The Adored. And it's going to get changed, so don't get too attached. But the gist of it has stayed through all drafts:

CW: Mention of teen females (consensually?) groping a teen male:

Hell, before this year, he’d never left the state of Minnesota. He and Afton didn’t eat pie on a boat on their first date, either. They didn’t even have a first date. But he’s let the world believe it, along with a million other lies that look pretty under pastel filters and amazing in 200 characters or less. Lies that dance center stage, that come alive under the lights. The lies are Afton’s truth. Thayer’s truth. Social media’s truth.

But they aren’t ours. Micah's and my truth is different. It’s underground, rotting in basements and prison cells, and all the dark places he still prays never to have to go back to. It’s about the night I saw Afton with a man in a dark Jaguar that turns Micah pale when he sees it, about the chains that still choke his heart and soul. It’s the jagged puzzle whose pieces he relied on me to put together, then told me never to reveal — the whats, but not the whys.

It’s why we’re really quitting.

But there’s one last truth. It’s what he’s trusting me to find. Me, the gawky giraffe in borrowed Balenciaga, with a bass she can barely play. The blurry face in the background. The tacked-on name at the bottom of the story. Bandmate Isley Nash.

I want to ask him, why me?

But before I can, it’s over. He throws himself backward off the stage. His body arches through space like a supernova. This is the moment they’ve been waiting for. They caress him, groping his hair, his legs, his junk. His eyes close. He’s lost. He’s theirs. For them, there’s only tonight.

And unless I find that truth, tonight is all there will ever be. 

3. Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

Micah (see above) is a reluctant teen rock star, a defiant rebel, a deadpan snarker, a (probable) murder victim, and my OG sad boi, so I'm always going to go with him.

4. What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

Editing. Drafting is trying to make something out of nothing, which is torture. Editing, meanwhile, is sculpting something you create (which is almost always terrible to start off with) into something good, which is fun and fulfilling. I will vomit unreadable, ungrammatical crap onto the page just so there's something there to edit when I go back. For me, that's where 99% of the real work of writing gets done.

5. What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

Dialogue! I think my dialogue is often funny and entertaining. Can I say that? I'm saying that.

6. What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

Getting tagged to fill out Q&As like this and ramble about myself ad nauseum! No, seriously, the community I've found on Tumblr has amazingly changed my life in the best way -- and I've really only been here a few months! Here, I've found talented writers, engaged readers, and all-around wonderful human beings, who do not only NOT judge me for my bizarre tastes, but in many cases actually share them. Finding a community like that is rare enough in the internet hellscape where we often find ourselves, let alone IRL, and I will be grateful for it always.

7. A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

I've reluctantly come around to Grammarly, even though I snobbishly thought I didn't need it. Oh, and chatGPT. No, I'm kidding. I have tried it out, though. (Haven't we all?)

8. A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

CW for discussing slavery in a clinical, dispassionate way (IDK, might be a trigger for some).

I've long thought you can't really understand or write about slavery without understanding the basic economics behind it, whether historically or in a fictional context. In most fiction with institutionalized slavery, it's either completely controlled by a dystopian government or by one single, massive company. To me, neither seemed realistic, and I think this is where this world differs from other related ones. In the world of GSNBTR, slavery is like any other sector under capitalism: it's multiple businesses of various sizes and with different niches competing against each other for customers, while being regulated (relatively lightly) by the government (as lobbied for by special interests, of course). And that also means thinking hard about the kinds of roles slaves would be likely to fill in a modern society built on that system, where they come from (likely many different places), who would own, trade, and manage them (whether government, corporations, or individuals) and how they would be likely to be used -- ie., it's not just domestic servants and sex workers, in fact, those are likely the minority of slaves. The majority are fast-food workers, landscapers, cleaners, dishwashers, farmworkers, general laborers, etc. etc. I suspect some are also used in the entertainment industry in some capacity (i.e. some actors/musicians/athletes are literally owned by movie studies/record companies/sports leagues), but I haven't really puzzled this out in detail. This stuff isn't necessarily fun to think about, but it's a must in a story like this, and I definitely did spend a lot of time thinking about it.

9. What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

Are you writing what you really want to write? Always write what you want, not what you think you should. And if you can't write just for yourself, write for just one person. The rest of your audience will come naturally.

10. Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters

I have to of course start with the talented writers whose work was so amazing it drew me in and got me to stay: @little-peril-stories @starlit-hopes-and-dreams

And then, to my astonishment, they reached out to support me and my own work, at times in ways far beyond anything I ever could have imagined. 💕

And then! On various levels, I've been lucky enough to know and interact with @i-can-even-burn-salad @whither-wander-whump @rickie-the-storyteller @mysticstarlightduck @painful-pooch @tabswrites @burntcoffeewhump, and @winterandwords!

And there are so many more great folks that I'm only just starting to discover, such as the following I'll gently tag (as well as OPEN TAG for anyone I mentioned above -- since you're already here, after all -- and anyone else reading this! 😂)

@romanceandshenanigans @digital-chance