#i have spent 45 minutes talking to myself about how on earth i am meant to synthesise all this

[1nfine77]

hhahahaha i disappeared again. woops.

scripting/worldbuilding wrt dr ramble under cut. no promises for this making any sense.

anyway - i've sat down and properly started getting to grips with my script, now that i'm done with exams, and the sheer amount of worldbuilding i want to do first is... oh boy.

shifting to a modded version of a video game universe, particularly mc in this case, is an... experience in trust when you leave it all alone, i want to say, because of how many mods do not integrate with one another. you'll get add-on mods and you'll get mods that acknowledge one another or will use one another's components, but in terms of the story or base mechanics of each mod, you tend to end up with a lot of disparate parts with their own separate and unrelated progressions and ways of dealing with base game things. in order to progress through two progression-based mods, you need to do them at the same time or else you'll be at end-game with one and then returning to square-zero in order to do anything with the other.

(better yet, you'll get mods with conflicting storylines or progressions, where trying to build a world where you focus on one will, on an in-game story level, lock you out of another, or where doing two mods at once will essentially mean you're tokyo drifting across what are essentially two very different belief systems without ever really trying to cohere them. which is whatever, but it does me in.)

or you'll get one mod completely overpowering another in terms of what it can achieve, and i want to level the playing field a bit and make some things more powerful and others less in order to counterbalance this a little. or at least have one be a natural progression of another, or have this one thing be useful in this case but in the general case, this other thing is preferred, etc etc.

and since i'm here with notion in front of me, i may as well grapple with the problem i have just noticed and shape a solution for it myself rather than leaving it up to chance.

(i also have like... ten separate 'magic systems'* i want to try to develop as different explanations for and beliefs surrounding the same or similar sets of phenomena**, each with their own key figures in their development, but... fuck, that's a task, i've realised lmao, especially because i am dealing, in the dr, with a truckload of forgotten and lost history due to the nature of the dr.)

i essentially need to deconstruct every single component of what makes up my dr and decide, on a case-by-case basis, whether to synthesise it with a previously unrelated part of a different component, dismiss it entirely (either because i don't like it or because it doesn't fit), treat it as its own phenomenon or adjust it so that it no longer leans on cr-related, and therefore dr-foreign, concepts.

and again - there is technically no need for me to fight with this. but i'm here and i may as well, and having the extra bit of knowledge of where i'm headed is likely going to help.

honestly my entire script sucks because of these... major oversights. sure, i have changed major mechanics on the way, which doesn't help, but then there's things like this that are genuine sandpaper to my brain. i visualise myself doing a specific thing in my dr and get taken completely out of it by the hard-clash of that thing and some other fucking thing from another fucking mod, both of which apparently sit comfortably in the same universe from which they both originated (anything that can be explained from 'idk it came from outer space/another dimension/etc.' is being left that way thanks).

this is a long-winded way to say that i may as well write a book at this point if i am going to be this fucking bent on logical consistency in a god damn fantasy setting. if i get too in the weeds with this and start going down the rabbit hole of conlangs, and then trying to make creole languages out of those conlangs, then i guess i better give up and admit i'm subconsciously trying to be tolkien.

*oh - and i finally realised, after four fucking years of being bent on the same exact dr, that no, the laws of physics and reality will be different there than they are here, and so what i am seeing as a magic system may well be equivalent in sense and rationality (with regards to explaining external phenomena) to. idk. physics. wards - as in, physical unopenable doors and literal invisible barriers - may well be as common and usual as fucking gravity, and it's my cr headspace - and the way these things are treated in the mod, honestly - that's making that complicated for me.

**i do have some 'magic systems' that touch on, like, specifically plants, or specifically astrology, that i can pretty much leave alone because they have their own... spheres of influence that other systems don't really interact with, but even with these i want some mutual acknowledgement.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

HASO, “Indicted.”

Working on a new arc for the story. I hope you enjoy :)

Dr Krill was up late, but then again, he was usually up late. Unlike the humans he didn’t sleep, and that left him at least eight hours of the day to himself to be engrossed in his studies, a time which he cherished. Granted there were occasions when emergencies would happen and he would be forced to attend to them, but those were few and far between these days.

Ever since the Burg war had ended, there hadn’t been much danger to the galaxy, and the Omen spent most of its time fulfilling its exploratory duties.

He spent a good portion of his time hunkered in the back office of the medical bay, but on occasion he'd like to take walks around the ship at night comforted by the darkness. The days had long since past when he was afraid of the humans, and he actually found the ship to be comforting and safe during the night. Granted Conn was sometimes a nuisance, but nothing that he couldn’t handle generally.

He was just walking past the command deck when he heard footsteps on their way down the hall.

He assumed it was one of the night crew coming down from fixing a problem up on the bridge, but was surprised when light passed over a familiar face. The two of them stopped staring at each other.

Admiral Vir paused in the hallway a duffel bag in one hand, his neatly pressed uniform glittering dimly in the light above. A few colorful swatches on the left hand side of his chest was the only color that distinguished him in the middling darkness.

Waffles -- the dog -- sat quietly at his side, panting softly. 

“Admiral….”

“Doctor…”

“Going somewhere?”

Krill watched as the man’s fingers curled slowly around the bag, “I have some… business to attend to back on earth.I already talked with Simon about it, and I am going to allow her to  take command of the ship while I am away.”

Krill took a long hard look at the human. 

There was something strange about him, something you could only understand if you were another human or if you had spent hours and hours studying them and spending time with then.

“Is something wrong?”

The man shook his head, though his single eye was… sad.

“No Krill, everything is fine.”

“Would you…. Like sme company?” he knew it was a longshot. If Adam really wanted some company, than surely he would already have asked Sunny to come with him.

The man opened his mouth, closed it and looked round. Krill was surprised that the man actually seemed to be considering his offer. Eventually he sighed, 

“I would…. Appreciate it…. Dr.”

Krill was surprised, but nodded and simply requested a few minutes to leave a note for Dr. katie. The Admiral willingly obliged the request, and efoe long they were on their way, stepping out of the cargo ramp and onto the -- mostly quiet-- cargo deck of the Europa station.

For the longest moment it was only the sound of feet echoing over the metal flooring before Krill finally had to speak up, “What is all of this about Adam, leaving secretly in the middle of the night, leaving your ship in the hands of a rookie officer… not telling Sunny. I think you can see why I am worried.”

Admiral Vir sighed and then inclined his head, the gold threading on the top of his officer’s cap glittering in the dim overhead light.

“There is something I need to do… and I don’t think Sunny would understand. I also don’t think that it would be a  good idea to bring her.

Krill tilted his head in curiosity and concern, “Are you two ok?”

Adam shrugged and sighed, “I…. well…. I don’t know. Most times it feels like we are, and at other times we just…. Aren’t. I think that is supposed to be normal, but there are things about each other that we just don’t understand sometimes.”

“That would make sense considering your species.”

He shrugged, “I guess. Either way I needed to do this myself, and I… needed a break…. That sounds horrible, and now how I meant it but I…. well whatever.”

The two of them walked down the nearest hallway to the launch bay on the other side of the hall. It was a little more crowded here, mostly officers and other crew members with their suitcases and bags, wearing their uniforms and standing in line to board a smaller ship. The ship would be a class D-1 ship with a small warp core on board.

As he approached, eyes fell on them as they usually did. Men and women in uniform saluted and parted ways to allow the two of them to pass as they made their way towards the shuttle. The Admiral refused to head to the front and stopped at the back of the line to wait patiently. No one spoke to them, but there sure were plenty of staring eyes.

The admiral handed his bag off to one of the cargo officers before boarding the ship with Krill. Waffles was taken with them too, and placed into a crate. She didn’t seem pleased about it but went willingly. It was likely that she was going to have to be put to sleep for the warp, which Krill almost envied. It was a cramped fit, though due to his status, they were allowed to sit in the roomier seats at the front. Bright lights beamed down on them from above as the pilot came over the intercom preparing them for warp.

“Thank you for boarding the trans-space flight to Lunar 1. Our approximate flight time will be ten minutes arriving at 12:45 local time. Please make sure to fasten your seatbelts. Officers and passengers with cardiac dysfunctions, lung disease, or high blood pressure are advised against taking this flight. If you fit into any of these categories please let a flight officer know for your safety and comfort. To the front of your seat you will find airsickness bags, and a safety card. Please take a few minutes to review the safety card before the launch.”

Admiral vir pulled the straps tight over his shoulders and pulled off his cap to rest it gently in his lap.

On the other row beside them another officer already had their eyes closed and was taking a few long-deep breaths.

“One last warning before launch, we will warn you that this is a D-1 Class warp core and does not have any internal dampening. Side effects of launch include, vomiting, dizziness, confusion, blackout, loss of bladder control and heart palpitations. These side effects are expected and the cabin has been designed to deal with these issues, however if you do not feel comfortable continuing we advise you to exit the aircraft immediately.”

Adam leaned back in his seat eyes shut.

Krill gripped the harness waiting for the moment to come.

Adam almost looked peaceful. No one got off the ship and after a few more minutes of waiting, the cabin lights dimmed and the ship rose into the air. As soon as they were shot out of the airlock, the gravity field was gone, and he could feel his body beginning to float against the harnesses. Admiral Vir had to hold his hat in palace as they accelerated into the night.

They traveled for a good five minutes before warning lights began blinking overhead.

“Prepare the cabin for warp.”

All around him the humans were preparing themselves for the violent folding of space. A few leaned down to tuck their head between their knees in a crash position.

He sort of wish he hadn’t agreed to come.

Adam just took a deep breath and leaned back in his seat.

“Launch in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.”

Krill fet the universe around him collapse inward and then suddenly expand outward. Things that were far away seemed close and things that were close seemed far away. He jerked against his harness, and just like that it was over.

That didn’t mean his head wasn’t spinning, and all around the cabin he could hear the  groaning of the other humans.

Once he could finally see and tell what he was seeing, he looked over at the Admiral who looked none the worse for war in comparison to some of the other officers.

One poor woman was as white as a sheet and holding a bag in front of her for dear life. Some of the others were in similar states of distress.

Admiral vir just smiled and leaned over to Krill whispering, “Not nearly as bad as the first interstellar warp. I thought I was going to die.”

Krill believed him

Just outside the window they watched as the Earth’s single moon drifted closer and closer, growing large in their field of vision as they stopped to land on the glowing white lunar surface. They disembarked inside the atmospheric bubble and were ushered onto another shuttle that headed down for earth. Despite earth being closer, this trip took much longer, about an hour longer, warping past the worst of the debris field which was still being cleaned by drag ship.

They landed at two in the morning local time at Fort Harmony.

As they stepped off the shuttle, bags in tow, there were already two military men waiting for them on the platform with a mat black hover car. Waffles’s crate was rolled out with them, though it seemed as if she was still asleep. 

They saluted as he approached, “Admiral.”

He nodded to them, “Gentlemen.”

One of them opened the car door, and the Admiral stepped inside, while the other took his bag to place it in the back.

Krill floated up to sit beside him watching as the vehicle slowly accelerated and rolled through the darkness, lights of the nearby city and civilization glowing in the darkness. Streetlights passed overhead, casting the human’s brooding face into sharp relief one moment and into almost complete blackness the next.

“Are you going to tell me where we are going?” krill wondered 

The admiral didn’t look at him, instead looking down at his hands. There was a long pause where Krill thought he wasn't going to answer, before, “I got a call from Admiral Kelly last night.”

Krill waited.

“Last month, extend documents on Operation Steel Eye were leaked. The UNSC tried to declassify them before it became more of an issue, but by then it was too late. The files were leaked onto the web by some unknown source and that included all video, Audio and written footage of the testing as well as documentation from the war itself.” Krill was surprised, extremely surprised that he had not heard more about this, and sooner,, but he stayed quiet as Adam continued, “UNSC officers in term during the project and a few members of the Steel eye team are being indicted on counts of torture, massive ethical violations, and potentially, war crimes… I was asked to be a witness at the trail of The People Vs The United Nations Space Corpse.”

Krill stared at him in shocked silence, “You,.... what?” He looked away, “Why didn’t you tell anyone, why didn’t you speak with someone!”

He sighed and leaned back in his seat, “What was I supposed to say? Hey everyone, the people who almost ruined my life are being put on trial and I am in need of some serious moral support because I expect I may have to watch some of it over again, and I don’t think I am ready for it.” His hands clenched in his lap, and krill saw. He looked back at the back seat to where waffles was still sleeping in her kennel.

Adam took a couple of deep breaths, “I have come as far as anyone can be expected when it comes to recovering from what happened to us, but that shadow, these scars will NEVER be gone. I’ll always have dreams. I will always wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat just remembering what happened to me. I will always hear the hissing of those machines in the back of my head. And I will always have some sick and twisted need to put the suit back on again because not once in my entire life since then have I ever felt so powerful…. Some days it feels like the only thing I have that can protect everyone, like putting it on will make me invincible, even though I know that logic is flawed. I hate it more than anything at the same time that I NEED it.”

Krill paused looking down at his arms and hands, “And that is why you got the Iron eye implants.”

He nodded and sighed, “Yes, yes it is.”

Krill didn’t know what to say, so they drove in silence.

“WHere are we going then.”

“We are heading up to one of the rehabilitation facilities between Arlington and the Ruins at Capital hill. From there we are going to be shipped over to Geneva where the trail is going to be held.”

“A rehabilitation facility…. For who?”

He looked down at his feet, “You’ll see.”

The nit went silent and krill was forced to wait in the darkness with light zipping by the windows as they headed into the night. The Admiral fell asleep during this time at some point with his cheek pressed against the cool glass of the window, his ribbons still glittering in the darkness. A soft whimpering came from the back of the car, and Krill took some time to let Waffles out of her cage, pressing himself up against the door as she crawled over the seat and sat between them curling up in a tight ball with her head resting on her master’s knee. 

Adam seemed to relax in their sleep.

Krill watched out the window and took some time to think as the trees spd by in a dark blur. At one point it began to rain, and he tried not to think about the water pelting down on them from the sky above to obscure their vision.

Outside the sky lightened though the day was cloudy.

Adam awoke groggy and despondent, unusually quiet and unresponsive in comparison to his usually cheerful self.

They continued to drive in the silence, the only sound being the occasional whimper from the dog who sighed deeply, and stood to move to manuver into a more comfortable position. It was well into early morning by the time they made it to their next location, and their shadows were cast long and low across the ground.

Their vehicle was ushered through a large metal gate and onto the lawn of a restored Victorian mansion. Admiral Vir shifted uncomfortably as they pulled up the gravel drive and stopped before the wide porch and its white painted support pillars.

The door opened for them, and the Admiral stepped out with Waffles leaping onto the gravel behind him, taking a few moments to sniff around at the grass and the bushes.

Admiral Vir straightened his uniform and pulled on his cap as Krill floated out to join him.

A man was waiting for them on the porch and walked down the stairs to greet them with an open hand and a wide smile.

He was a small human, a bit older with greying hair and a nice suit. He clasped hands with the admiral and looked him over with a critical eye.

“A pleasure to meet you Admiral.”

“And you as well doctor.”

The man took a step back eying up the admiral as he did. Adam shifted uncomfortably, “Forvie my scrutiny, admiral.” The man said a bit sheepishly, “I have been working with the steel eye veterans for so long, and you are….. The first I have seen in such good condition.”

Adam tugged at the collar of his shirt in mild embarrassment, “Uh, I suppose I am extraordinarily lucky, doctor.”

The man held out a hand and motioned to the door, “Please come inside, there is much to show you, and the others have been expecting your arrival.”

He turned to look at Krill then and smiled,”Dr. Krill I assume?”

Krill was more than a little surprised to hear his own name spoken, “Have we met.”

The man laughed, “No, no, but I am familiar with your work. It is so interesting to see how other species view humans. I find it enlightening and entertaining.” The big white doors opened before the, and together they stepped into a large room with a spiraling staircase and a bustling room crumbs wearing attendants.

Somewhere in the distance, they could hear the sound of a piano playing.

“Welcome to Machinaw Hall, sounds a little more pleasant than the UNSC sponsored state rehabilitation facility.”

“Less of a mouthful for sure.” Adam responded.

The man waved a hand about the room, “I started all this about three years ago when my Nephew died during the steel eye operation of meningitis.”

“I...I’m sorry to hear that.”

The man sighed, “My family was obviously devastated, and I couldn't let it go, so I thought there was something I could do. At that time my wife and I flipped houses on the side and we came in possession of this old rundown Victorian. It's already been refurbished a couple of times since it was originally built. It was in such disrepair that no one wanted it, but I bought it for cheep and renovated it, and then set it up for other members of that same group. Unfortunately things were not completed until a few years after the incident, and it took us a while to find those who remained from participation in the trials and… well as well as from the war itself.” He sighed, “I only wish I had started this sooner. Who knows, we may have been acquainted earlier in that case.”

Krill watched Adam’s expression from the corner of his eye. He knew how the man felt about these sort of facilities.

“Perhaps. But what’s past is past.”

“True.”

They made their way up a checkered hallway and through a large doorway into a sunny and spacious living room. Despite how old the house was, the furniture was all well kept and in good condition. The people on the other hand were… less so.”

One or two of them were sitting on the floor in the sunny day room rocking quietly back and forth. Others sat on chairs or sofas with grim expressions on their face, and only one or two managed to appear as functioning humans.

One of them was playing the grand piano in the back.

As soon as he stepped in the room went mostly quiet, even the ones sitting on the floor looked up, and with surprise their eyes widened and they smiled. More than a few came over to meet him reaching out their hands and clasping his with firm grips.

“Admiral Vir!”

“Admiral, so good to see you.”

“You look well.”

“Glad you could make it.”

He smiled easily despite his unease, “Thank you. Glad to see you all up and about.”

“Mostly functional.” one of them piped up.”

Looking around Krill noticed the tell-tale hitch in their steps, and even the glittering of silvered metal on a robotic arm.

“Adam!”

The two of them turned quickly and krill was surprised to find a dark haired young woman appear from up the stairs jogging down and throwing her arms around him hugging him tight. He had to step back at the force of her greeting but hugged her bak with some shock and pleasure, “Jane!” He stepped back beaming, “You look good…. I’m a little surprised to see you.”

“Well after the… incident, I was able to get in contact with some people who pointed me to this place. The Doctor was kind enough to let me stay while I get back on my feet.”

He sat dow, offered a chair by one of the other steel eye members, and they sat around him.

He rubbed Waffle’s ears and let her off leash, giving her permission to go around the circle sniffing at hands and arms that were offered towards her.

Eventually she took a seat next to one of the soldiers sitting on the ground, and shoved her head into his space forcing him to pet her. A smile cracked over his face fr the first time since they had arrived .

“And getting bacon on your feet, how is that going.”

She sighed, “ I have found some temporary work at a mechanic shop, though its only temporary until I can find something that I really want to do.” She glanced at him with a look of guilt on her face, “I can’t go back to the UNSC not after….”

He nodded quickly in understanding, “I get it.” One of the other soldiers looked at him, his mouth turning down into a frown, “How could YOU go back to them after everything they did.”

The Dr. Scooted closer over the floor and rested a hand on the man’s shoulder in a warning sort of manner.

He relaxed a bit, but the anger was still plain on his face.

Adam kept his face still and neutral, “Some people say I’m a little too forgiving. But honestly, they gave me a spaceship which, all things considered, is good enough compensation for me.” 

A few of the people in the room laughed, others didn’t seem so satisfied with that answer but let it go.”

“So…. are you ready?” Jane wondered

Adam tilted his head up slightly.

One of the men leaned forward, “Ready, for what?”

Another hand on his shoulder, “Admiral Vir is going to be representing you all during the upcoming trial.”

A few of the group members frowned, ‘Wait, I thought we were all going to testify as witnesses.”

The doctor sighed, “We have gone through this before, not everyone is ready for something like that, but Admiral Vir has graciously offered to help and be the representative.”

“I am not having a UNSC lover represent me at the trail! He’s going to try and get them off easy.”

Krill scooted to the side a little watching as a sharp light flared in the man’s eyes, “You better watch-your-tongue BOY!’

The room went very silent.

“You act like I didn’t go through the exact same thing as you. Well tell you what I remember choking on the ash as my blood seeped into the moss, and I remember the pain, and I remember wishing I could just die, and afterwards, I remembered months and months of hopelessness wondering when it would all be over. I remember the drug withdrawls. YES i chose to go back, but that's because I am rational enough to realise that most people in the UNSC had no idea what was going on, and the people who ran things back then are either retired, pending investigation or already in prison.” He leaned forward in his seat, “So go ahead, question my motives one more time.”

The room was very silent, and the man who had first spoken up sat back in his seat sulkily.”

Someone cleared their throat in an obvious attempt to lighten the mood.

“So what are the rest of us going to do.”

“ I am putting something together with the courts, and will be using interviews from you as evidence with your permission. I think that that will be more constructive. Admiral Vir will be there as a live witness, and due to his status, his testimony is likely to have the kind of pull we need to convict.”

There was a murmur of approval around the group.

“That makes sense, I guess.”

“Plus as a member of the UNSC himself the testimony will be more accepted especially considering his track record. Furthermore, he also has the most experience speaking in public and we want to make as good an impression as we can.”

The room was quiet now as the group thought about the points the doctor was making.

A hand reached across the circle, and he looked down to See Jan’s hand resting on his shoulder, “Are you sure you can do this…. I… Well I don’t know if I could were I in your shoes.”

He sighed, “It won’t be easy, but someone has to do it, and as of right  now, I am about as operational as we are going to get.”

There was nodding from around the room.

This was going to have to do 

[andiandyandee]

We Are Going to Be Friends Pt. 10

I’m not crying, you’re crying, shut up

Words: 1,978

Tag List: @datfearlessfangirl @princemesscharming @illogicalthinking @holliberries

Ask if you want added!

This is part of an Ongoing Parental Logince/ Punk AU. This is a prequel to the main stories, which can be found in several places. You don’t need the rest of the AU to read this, but it will give you some insight.

Here’s a link to the series on Ao3 

Here’s a link to the last part, In case you missed it

Here’s a link to the First Part, If you’re new here.

 Aaaannnd.... here’s the fic. 

    Friday sleepovers became just as much of a tradition as Saturdays on the lake or Sundays in the den once the Sanders moved into their new house, but Logan finds himself curled up in Remus’s bay window, watching the stars and listening to Remus talk for hours most nights. Which is why it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise when someone finally asked the question that so many had assumed.

    “So, are you two, like, dating now? Should we invest in soundproofing?” Roman asked one night in late March when Logan came stumbling into the kitchen in search of water.

    “Who, Remus and I?” Logan was too tired to hide his surprise. He and Remus were close, they spent most days together, and he was really one of the only people Logan referred to as ‘friend’ (best friend, even), but there had never been any inkling towards romance. “Of course not.” Roman did look surprised at that. Logan was trying to deal with both the fact that someone thought that he and Remus were romantically involved and that Roman, who almost always avoided Logan, looking uncomfortable and confused whenever Logan sought him out for conversation, was capable of being a normal human being. “Remus and I are friends, he’s my best friend, but He’s.. not exactly my type.”

    “Oh, I, sorry, I guess. I didn’t mean to offend, I just know you said you were queer, I assumed you were into guys.”

    “I am.” Roman looked even more confused at that, “just not Remus. One, I Iook for someone who shares important core beliefs with me, but otherwise is an opposition to my personality. Where I am relatively quiet, I prefer someone loud, but not just chaotically, like Remus. I prefer a partner who is confident. Someone who is intelligent, but not necessarily in the same way I am. Remus and I share too many interests to be compatible romantically. The dynamic would just be as it is now, chaos and humor, but not romance.” Logan shrugged. “Why are you awake, anyhow? It’s quite late, Roman. Don’t you have weight training in the morning?”

    “I can’t sleep. Too many thoughts for that.”

    “Oh? If you want to share, I’m all ears. Figuratively, of course.”

    “Would.. would you go to prom with me? If I asked?” Roman blurted out, immediately turning red. “I- oh my god I can’t believe I said that out loud, I’m sorry- I can go”

    “ Are you asking?” Logan replied in a voice that was completely neutral.

    “Y-yes? If that is.. okay?” Roman squeaked, looking like he might faint.

    “I would, er, enjoy that, I believe,” Logan replied, tugging at the collar of his NASA t-shirt. “Though, I am surprised you would ask me of all people. I was under the impression you were not particularly... fond of me.” Logan admitted, his cheeks and ears slightly pink.

    “I’ve been hopelessly and all-consumingly in love with you since you came stomping into school in that leather jacket on the first day.” Roman shrugged. “I thought you liked Remus, so I tried to avoid it, which probably just made me sound like a moron most of the time.”

    “Only some of the time.” Logan counter-argued.

    “That first time you slept over I almost died several times just because you looked at me.” Roman looked faint. “When you and Remus came in I was actually talking about how hopelessly in love with you I was, which is why Elliot almost died laughing, and I nearly died of embarrassment. Then when you were talking about your rebel shit, about music and rioting I actually thought I was gonna pass out because you had this fire in your eyes like you were single-handedly going to fix all the shit that was broken. Every time you answered a question in truth or dare, you answered it like it was the most important thing in the world, and you sang and I thought I would die then .

    Then Dahlia did your makeup, and you looked so pretty , and your eyes were sparkling and I wanted to flirt but instead, I choked and dumped soda on myself and then sat in the shower for twenty minutes wishing I would be struck by lightning so I didn’t have to face you and oh my god I’m rambling,”

    Logan was smiling. It wasn’t something he did much, but the more Roman talked, the more his face pulled up, his heart rose to his throat, he could practically feel the waves of adoration pouring off of Roman, so open and sincere, and it was only then that Logan realized that the reason he was so disappointed when Roman was awkward around him was that he wanted this, this conversation, so desperately it ached, and he didn’t know what came over him, but he stepped forward, his hands gently cradling Romans like he was the most precious thing in the world, because he was, wasn’t he? He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Roman’s lips, a little beyond ‘gentle’ but he didn’t have the words to express how he felt, so he did his best with what was at his disposal. Roman just let out a breathless laugh when Logan pulled away, staring up at him with his warm, cinnamon eyes just a little glassy. The air around them buzzed, not quite fireworks, but something more than what was there before.

    The moment was shattered by Remus, who pretended to gag in the doorway behind them. Logan and Roman jumped, turning to stare at him with identical shocked expressions, but he was beaming. “Thank god you two idiots figured out how talking worked, I was afraid Lo was gonna short circuit. But if you two are done, we need to go back to sleep because we really do have weight training at 4:45 am, Ro, and I am not going to be late again.”

***

    Lunch was an endeavor, the two close but previously separated tables now pushed together, Logan’s group and Roman and Remus’s group making awkward small talk, with the exception of October and Kai hitting it off immediately, finding solace in having someone to talk doctors with, finally. The rest were dealing with the others, all of them occasionally laughing at the way Roman and Logan were caught up in flirting. It was a Friday, which meant it was sleepover night, which Roman and Remus’s father had agreed to on the caveat that they stayed in the living room now that Logan and Roman were... whatever they were, which had not been discussed.

    “Lo, Toby and I are gonna get tattoos next weekend. You down?” Micheal asked with a grin. “Toby’s cousin got a gun and said he’d do ‘em for free.” Logan instinctively wanted to say no, because that was a horrible idea, why on earth would he want a mediocre tattoo permanently on his skin, but what came out of his mouth was,

    “Fuck yeah I am.”  Roman and Remus, as well as several others from both groups, looked nervous about that, but none of them said anything. It was a discussion for another time.

***

    “Larry! We have to have flowers!” Dot whined, which made Logan chuckle quietly. “I am not getting married and throwing a bouquet of Ferns.”

    “You don’t even like flowers! You actually told me, when we started dating, to never buy you flowers. Why would we have them at the wedding if you don’t like them?”

    “Well- well because you like them, L.” Dot had that soft expression on her face again, the one that said she would do anything for his happiness. “Maybe we can do some violets or something, and the rest can be foliage. Compromise.”

    “If I may interject, and frankly even if you said no I would anyway, I think you’re both the most disgustingly romantic nightmare couple I’ve ever met, and I hate you.” Logan was color coding binders on the floor with seating charts and schedules, pointedly ignoring the way his whole body hurt to move. “Also, are we inviting all of Dot’s brothers? Because if so we’ll have to dedicate them two tables, and I need to know which sets will get along best.” Larry and Dot grinned, both tackling L, pulling his from the binder and into a hug.

    “How is it that I have six brothers and somehow my favorite is the one that I have to sign a contract for?” Dot teased, ruffling Logan’s hair. Her hand paused when he flinched and the smile immediately dissolved. “Sorry, sweetheart.”

    “No, you don’t need to apologize. You know that.” Logan smiled sadly at her. His brother cut the tension.

    “On the subject of disgustingly Roman -tic things, how's that boyfriend of yours?” Larry grinned at the blush.

     “We have a wedding to plan. I know you’ve already booked the venue, but the caterer has not been confirmed. You’re getting married in four months and 9 days. We need to make these decisions now, or we’re going to have to learn how to cook and bake.”

     “When you and Roman get married, do you think you’ll be older than 21? As your best man, I think I’d like to take you to Vegas.”

     “Dot is going to be my best man.” Logan deadpanned, biting back a laugh at Larry’s faux hurt expression. Dot ‘whooped’ beside them.

     “Nice, I definitely want to take you to Vegas.”

     “Also, who’s to say I’ll marry Roman. Maybe by then I’ll have lost my mind and marry Alex.” Logan shrugged. “Or that new girl, Terra. Though I think she may be interested in Remus, actually.” Larry was loudly laughing now.

     “Logan… you know you’re gay, right?” Dot asked with false concern.

    “Preposterous. I’ve never had a molecule of serotonin in my life.” Larry laughed at that, but then got a serious look on his face.

     “You know, Lo, We’re renting a house right outside of town starting in June.” Dot looked at L with raised eyebrows.

     “I thought we were waiting until the paperwork was done to tell him?”

     “Tell me what? I already knew you were getting a house, Dot.” L shook his head.

     “ We’re getting a house.”

     “That’s what I just said.”

     “A three-bedroom house.”

     “Oh, I didn’t realize it was so large. Were you planning on having children, then? I thought you were waiting until after you had finished your degrees.”

    “One of the rooms is going to be a study, the other is going to be for family.”

    “Oh, that’s a good idea. Having so many siblings-in-law I assume you two will have regular visitors.” Dot was laughing lightly at L’s expression and the rapid way his hands were flailing.

    “Logan, the room isn’t for my side of the family.” Dot was looking at him pointedly. He still did not understand.

    “So it...is for you two to have kids? Again- I thought you wanted to wait unti-”

    “It’s for you, dumbass!” Larry looked like he was going to explode, and Logan was quite sure he was imploding. “We’re getting a three-bedroom house outside of town because we want you to live there, not because Dot has a big family or because we are going to have kids. We’re going to get you out of here, kiddo.”

    Logan couldn’t breathe. He wanted to argue, to tell them it was too much, that he could never accept, but what came out of his mouth, small and broken and just a little bit afraid was, “you are?” Which was all that they needed before the floodgates were broken, and the two brothers were crying and hugging. Despite the height difference, Logan had never felt smaller than when his brother wrapped him in his arms and whispered,

    “I’m never going to leave you alone with them again, Logan. I promise.”

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44,  Chapter 45, Chapter 46, Chapter 47, Chapter 48, Chapter 49, Chapter 50, Chapter 51 Chapter 52, Chapter 53, Chapter 54, Chapter 55, Chapter 56, Chapter 57

AO3

Thank you @theministerskat​ for your beta! ❤️

                                  – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Chapter 58. Rain

How long can one night be?

It felt like I was lying in my bed for ages. I wanted to get up, run, do something, but the darkness was heavy outside my window, and my heart felt heavier. 

My heart, the one that kept beating, no matter how many times my breath hitched in my throat.

My heart, carrying its own heavy load, waiting. 

Holding off was slowly killing me, but I had resolved not to call him again.

Hours had passed while my phone remained silent. A sinking sensation wrapped around me, dragging me down, deeper and deeper. 

What had happened, exactly?

I had spent the first few hours rationalizing.

What if something happened to him? No. John would call me. Jamie is fine.

Maybe he forgot his phone at the pool and they are all out celebrating now. But he would send something from John’s phone, right? 

Not if he’s still mad at me for not calling him before the race. 

Maybe he needs time, and he will call when he’s ready. He’s stressed, and he’s exaggerating. It will be okay. 

If only he called sooner.

I had messed up, yes, but it wasn’t like I had been out for drinks, having fun, and ignoring him. And it wasn’t like we hadn’t talked all day. I would explain myself. I would tell him the truth and ask him to forgive me. Simple as that. 

Not that I hadn’t done that in my texts already. But texts were not the same. 

I closed my eyes and imagined his disappointment when the time had come and I didn’t call, when I didn’t reply to his messages. I could see in my mind’s eye how upset he must have been, his deep breaths as he tried to focus on the impending race. I hoped he’d thought of all the times I wished him good luck in the past, of how much I loved him and believed in him. Or at least to forget everything about me and give his best to the race.

It didn’t matter, really. Nothing was as important as winning the race.

I knew he would do well. He was the best swimmer I had ever seen.

It will be alright. He’ll call back and it will be alright.

I tried to stick with this line of thought and get some sleep. Make this endless night go by faster. 

But sleep wouldn’t come. 

Where was he? The chances he’d lost his phone were…scarce. He’d seen my texts and was still so angry that he couldn’t even reply?

A single message was all I needed. ‘I’m fine, won the race, we’ll talk tomorrow.’ How hard was that?

It was the first time Jamie had done this. The first time he blatantly ignored me. The first time he didn’t want to talk to me. 

Or rather, the second. The first one had been when he got the scholarship, but that had been different. 

This wasn’t at all like him. 

Maybe he’s preparing a surprise for me?

The week following the New Jersey race would be a slack one. Maybe he’d come to visit me, to celebrate with me.

I let hope nestle in my chest, its arrival gifting me with a few full breaths. Maybe he was flying to England right now. A smile curled the corners of my mouth, up and up, until I was biting my bottom lip in a smile full of expectation. 

A moment later, reality crashed on me. Exactly when I was the most vulnerable. It always does that, waiting in the corner until we give way to the dreams, and then rushes to overtake us. With a single move, reality names the dream an illusion and takes it away, with a low, malicious snicker. 

My smile vanished in a matter of seconds. Jamie wasn’t coming, and I was a fool to even think he would. He was in New Jersey, celebrating with his friends. 

The waiting was killing me. I held in my tears, refusing to cry when I didn’t even know why. When I didn’t know what was happening. 

He had left me hanging. He had left me in the dark, alone, with no power over anything. 

I felt small. Insignificant. Alone. 

When the first tears stained my pillow, sleep took pity on me. 

I didn’t dream.

–

Mary’s voice woke me and I felt her hand gently nudging my side. 

“Claire? Are you coming to the lecture? We need to go in fifteen minutes.”

The lecture? Did the world have the audacity to go on when my life was crumbling?

For the first time in my life, I didn’t care about the lecture. I didn’t care about anything at all, after checking my phone to find that nothing had changed since the previous night.

That was a living hell, I was sure of it. 

I pushed all thoughts and emotions deep down and got out of bed. It would do me no good to stay in the dorm all day, and I had practicals that I couldn’t miss anyway.

I brushed my teeth mechanically for a good five minutes and washed my face with freezing water until the bones in my hands ached from the cold.

Numb – I needed to be numb. Retreat to that place deep inside me where I was safe. A peal of cruel laughter left my lips. 

This place, and all the bloody safe places inside me had been opened for him. 

There was no safehouse, no hidden crypt. I had given everything and I had nowhere to go now. 

I started crying again and immediately rinsed the tears away. 

Get yourself together. Don’t think.

I left the bathroom and got dressed. Mary looked at me with a frown, but didn’t ask any questions. I loved her for it. No prying. She would patiently wait until I was ready to talk. Which meant never, in this case. 

We walked to campus and headed towards the auditorium. I vaguely registered that it was an interesting lecture, one of those that would fill my head with questions and ideas on any other day. Not today. 

Today, I took notes like an automaton. I breathed like an automaton. When the lecture finished, I talked to others like an automaton.

It was like living in virtual reality. I was at Oxford, going on with my day, responding to the stimuli around me as if they were real, but I had this feeling that everything was only a projection on a wall, and real-life would look like the earth had been destroyed by meteors. Or a collision with another planet.

Or maybe that was just my world.

I went on with my day as if nothing had changed, as if I could breathe as easily as the next student in the practical. 

I nodded mechanically and I even smiled once or twice when everyone was laughing, because I felt like I had to.

I checked my phone every minute. It felt like a punch in the gut. When I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned it off, only to panic and turn it on five minutes later. 

Not that I had missed anything.

I thought of texting Jamie again, but what else was there left to say? How many times can one apologize before those three words sound cheap?

I wrote ‘I love you’ at least ten times, only to erase the message a moment later. Didn’t he know that I loved him? What difference would a text make?

After our practical, I followed Mary to the library. I sat down with a heavy textbook and ended up reading the same line twenty times. 

It was then that my phone vibrated against the wooden desk. 

My heart jumped to my throat, and my knees trembled as I tried to stand up. 

It was him, and he was smiling in the picture on my screen and I just wanted to fall back on my chair and start crying.

I didn’t. I swallowed hard, instead, and ran outside. Fat raindrops hit my face, but I hardly noticed them. I wore my earphones, and slid a finger across the screen.

“Hi,” I said, walking away from the entrance and leaning against the exterior wall, trying to shelter myself from the rain as well as I could. The light post was only four feet away, but my face was covered in shadows. 

“Hi, Claire.” Jamie tried for a smile, but ended up taking a deep breath instead.

My heart was beating so fast I thought it would break through my chest. A ridiculous thought from an aspiring doctor, and yet there it was.

“How did it go?” I asked. “The race,” I clarified, as if it wasn’t obvious.

“Second. I finished second.” 

Second. Shit. Is this the reason he didn’t call?

His face was a mask, his voice colourless. I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry? It sounded stupid. Don’t worry? 

I nodded twice, before I mumbled, “Congratulations.” He didn’t seem to hear it. I cleared my throat and tried again, louder this time. “Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” he said, dismissively. 

And then, silence. A long, heavy silence that stretched and stretched until I couldn’t take it anymore. It was stealing my breath.

“Did you celebrate last night?” 

Jamie looked sideways, then back at me. “Aye, we went for drinks wi’ the team.”

“Nice.” I tried to smile. “Did you have fun?”

He closed his eyes and set his jaw. I saw his throat bobbing as he swallowed and waited for his answer, but his mouth opened only to close again.

“Are you alone?” I blurted. It was obvious that we couldn’t keep this conversation going for long, and I didn’t want to start talking about what really mattered if other people were in his room.

“Aye. John is out.”

I tried to smile, and let out a sigh before starting explaining myself. “Jamie, I am so, so, so sorry I didn’t manage to call you yesterday. I know you needed me to call and you’re angry at me, and you’re right… But I was in the middle of a tutorial and time went by, and –” I stopped abruptly and squeezed my eyes tight. “I am sorry.”

Jamie nodded but didn’t say a word. I couldn’t recognize the look in his eyes. 

“Talk to me, please. Talk to me, Jamie, we will figure it out,” I pleaded in a quivering voice. 

“Claire –”

“Yes?” I bit my lip hard, trying to keep the tears inside.

“I didna call ye yesterday and all day today, because I needed time to think.” 

The wall behind me was rough underneath my fingertips as I pushed harder against it, wishing for the pain to ground me. To prepare me, somehow, for what was coming. I knew it. I knew him. I could see right through him. The way he talked, how he looked at me… I recognized that look now – the pain and regret, the determination. Tears blurred my vision before he could go on.

“This isna working, Claire,” Jamie said, and I felt a thousand daggers sinking into my heart. I felt them hovering around me all day, biding their time. A whimper left my mouth before I could stop it, and I pushed my lips together in reflex. I looked at Jamie, at the bloody screen, and tried to keep my raging emotions under control.

“What –” I started in a broken voice, and I summoned all my courage to go on. I wouldn’t stop this conversation before it had even started because I was crying. I pushed my fingernails into the wall, willing it to support me. “What do you mean?” When Jamie only shook his head, I continued. “Since when is it not working?” I huffed a laugh, challenging him. “I forgot to text you once, and that’s it? I’m not good enough for you?”

That rilled him up. “Did I ever say ye’re not good enough for me, Claire?” he demanded. “Dinna put words in my mouth!” He then murmured something under his breath, lowering his eyes.

“So what is this? You don’t call, don’t text, don’t even tell me that you need time to think and I’m here waiting for you to deign to inform me that things aren’t working out because the idea stuck in your head?”

“It’s not in my head! It’s in my life! This – what we have... It’s not what it once was, and –”

“And you want to end it?” I couldn’t believe I was uttering those words. This had to be a nightmare.

“Aye.” It could have been a whisper of the wind. It could have been a raindrop falling into the river. It could have been the rustling of leaves. But it was his voice, and the sound choked me. A small word I had heard him say thousands of times. The same word, ending it all.

I bit my lip until I tasted blood. I scraped my palm against the wall, and saw the hand holding my phone shaking. 

“Why?”

Why are you giving up on us? Why aren’t you patient? Why are you tearing my heart out?

I couldn’t ask that. I wouldn’t. So I just whispered again, “Why?”

“I love ye, Claire,” he said, and I noticed for the first time that he was crying, too. 

Hearing his words broke all the walls I’d tried to build to keep my despair aside. “This makes no fucking sense,” I sobbed.

“I ken, I ken,” he repeated. “I love ye, mo nighean donn, mo ghraidh, my Sassenach. I love ye so much and I wish you were here or I was there, but you’re not and I’m not and I canna go on like this.” He said it all with breath, and then this face paled, as if a chunk of life was torn out of his chest. 

“No, no, no.” I shook my head violently, wet curls flying and sticking on my face. “We will make it work, we said we would, remember?” 

He needed to remember. He just needed to know that we would be together no matter what, and then he would change his mind.

“I canna. I miss you, and this is not what I thought it would be. Seeing you once every three months? What kind of relationship is that?”

“Our relationship!” I all but screamed. “It’s our relationship and we’ll work on it. This is just the beginning and I am overwhelmed a bit by the workload here, but I will get the hang of it. I know I should have called before the race –”

“Claire!” he interrupted me. “This is not about the race. I mean, it is, but it’s not only that. Ye’re not here when I need to cuddle in bed with you after a hard day. Ye’re not here when I want to go out and dance and feel your body against mine. Ye’re not here when good things happen, when bad things happen, when nothing happens… Ye’re not here.”

“Of course I’m not there! I’m right here, doing my best to be a part of your life! And you knew that, Jamie Fraser! You knew I wouldn’t be there!”

“Your best…” he trailed off before finishing the thought. I was ready for another attack, when he said, “I hadna thought it would be so difficult.”

I repeated his words, mocking him. 

“Yes Claire! I thought ye’d be with me until your term started, but no! God forbid! Ye had to volunteer and go to Zambia! And then –”

“You said you were okay with me going to Zambia!” I interrupted him, indignant. I felt my cheeks flaming in anger now.

“I said I didna like it! But ye didna step back! Ye said that ye really wanted to go and really, what choice did I have in the matter?”

I snorted, refusing to talk to him. I couldn’t believe that he was holding my trip to Zambia against me. What else was there that he had never talked about?

“Well, I’m not in Zambia right now.”

“Aye, and what good does it do to us? Ye have internet access and we still hardly talk. D’ye think that thirty minutes per day is enough to keep a relationship going? Because it isn’t!”

I took a long breath through my mouth, blinking at him. I couldn’t believe my ears. “We limit the time of the video calls because of your training,” I spat.

“And your practicals, your tutorials…” He shook his head and his red curls fell into his eyes. It had become one of my habits to run my fingers over his forehead and push them aside, but I knew that even if he was in front of me right now that would be the last thing I would do. Smack him on the forehead, maybe. “Ye didn’t come for my race, as we had agreed. Do ye ken how long it is since we had sex?” Jamie asked, bringing me back to our conversation.

I felt my eyebrows curving in an impossible arch. “What? So this – this is about sex?”

“No. Not only sex, but sex is important, too.”

“Our schedule is fucked up!” I declared.

“I ken!” he shot back. “This doesna change the facts though, does it?”

It didn’t. “We can do better,” I said, more calmly now. My breaths were short and fast, and I stopped for a moment, trying to collect myself. “I miss you, too.” Jamie didn’t reply. “I thought I was there for you, I thought what we had was enough.”

I slid down the wall, sitting on the wet pavement. I was soaked by this point and I didn’t care. 

“I thought it would be enough. I wanted it to be.” Jamie’s voice was soft, as if he murmured something in my ear as we lay together in bed. “But I want to live, Claire, not to be constantly suspended between two continents. I want to live here, now. And I wanted to share now with you, even though I couldn’t share here. But I can’t even have that.”

Because I hadn’t sent a bloody good-luck-text. “I don’t know what else I can do. I can’t promise that I won’t mess up again, but I can promise that I will try not to. And I’ll be there in a few weeks. We will spend a whole month together.”

“Sassenach,” Jamie rasped, pained. “Stop. Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what? Love you?” I asked, with an incredulous laugh. “I don’t remember how life was before I loved you.”

Jamie rubbed a hand on his face. His eyes were red and puffed when he looked at me. “It pains me, Claire. It pains me to wake up and know you’re not in my arms, it pains me to count the days until I see ye again. I canna do it anymore.”

I had no breath to speak. Tears kept rolling down my face, and Jamie’s ragged breaths sounded closer through my earphones than the rain pattering on the pavement I sat on. I felt him closer than all the world around me and I wanted to reach out and grasp that feeling, afraid I would never have it again. 

“So that’s it?” I croaked, and licked my lips, tasting the salt.

It couldn’t be it. We couldn’t end like this. 

“I am sorry. I love you. I will always love you. But maybe this is for the best. For both of us, ye ken.” A sigh, and he continued. “I will focus on my life here, and you on yer studies…”

The words sounded unreal in my mind. I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t agree or oppose the notion, not that it mattered. 

Love isn’t a cage. It’s not working that way. Love is like the wind, aiding us in staying airborne, lifting us higher.

“Goodbye, Jamie.”

My finger trembled as I ended the call. I felt the sky drop closer, crushing me. A flash of lightning tore up the darkness in the distance and I closed my eyes, wishing Jamie would be there to hold me in his arms. 

But there would be no more Jamie. No one would hold me to keep me safe. No one would brush away the hair from my face. No one would kiss away the tears. 

I held my breath in an attempt to verify that my heart was still beating.

It did. My treacherous heart went on with hollow, empty beats against my ribs. 

My head hit the wall, and I stayed there, sobbing under the rain until Mary found me. 

Chapter 59

[youre-my-safe-passage]

March 23, 2020

My dearest, beautiful love, 

We’ve spoken before. We’ve been here before. We know the cadence of each other’s heartbeats and the crescendo and decrescendo of our voices. We know the way our hands align when they entwine together as intimately as we know how our voices meet each other when our bodies are one and infinite. We know each other’s secrets, each other’s darkest thoughts, each other’s hang-ups. We know each other’s struggles. We know every nuance and every place on each other’s bodies that soften our spirits when we’re as active as a super cell.

We’ve done all of this before. Nothing else can explain how easily we fell into this and how beautifully we did. Every struggle, every tear, every smile, every triumph. All of it is part of who we are and who we were before when we had each other in the life before this one. I wonder if we looked the same then...if you still smiled like you do now. I wonder if our hearts still beat in tune with the world around us. I wonder if our bodies converged like they do. I wonder if we were reckless with our words and told each other we loved each other immediately or if it took years. I wonder if one of us ran away from it because we were too afraid of something cosmic only to find each other again at a primitive supermarket. I wonder if we were nobles or peasants. I wonder if we were the couple they found holding each other after the eruption at Pompeii. 

They say a connection like this comes around only once in a lifetime, but I don’t believe that. I believe a connection like this is made through multiple lifetimes, multiple sightings, multiple loves. We have an entire Book of Life dedicated only to how many times we’ve found and loved each other. When the being that holds the Book of Life looks at it, I’m sure they smile and shake their heads when they see that we’re back again. Again, and again, and again. 

I’ll love you in future lifetimes, too. I’ll love you in a million of them. I’ll love you until the stars go out and then even after. I’ll love you until the world is a memory of a memory and all that’s left is a rock in the middle of space without life and even then I will love you. I will love you until every beautiful thing about us has become something otherworldly about us and I’m certain that’s happened now. There’s no other way to explain this. 

I was meant for you and you were meant for me. 

March 24, 2020

Good morning my love. 

It’s 3AM and you’ve fallen asleep draped across me. Your breathing is steady and your hair is splayed out against the white of the pillowcase like ink to paper. Your arm is curled into my side and your leg is laying over top of one of mine. Sometimes,  you’ll smile in your sleep and I ruminate over if that’s where I live. If that small little curve of your lip is where I’d kissed you previously earlier today or a week ago and a part of me has lived there ever since. You seem to be sleeping more peacefully lately, even if you’ve seemed like you’re losing your grip just a little bit every now and then.  We’re in a weird situation being stuck here at home, but I wouldn’t trade it for a thing in the world because I’m here with you.

It’s 3:15 and Starks has worked his way to the edge of the bed and he’s trying to wedge his way between us as usual, but tonight you won’t let him. Your arm tightens around me and you let out a small sound of protest. It’s one of the cutest things I’ve ever heard in my life, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s because you’re lost somewhere in there and you need me to come and find you. I’ll always find you. Anytime. Any place. I’ll always find you and I’ll take you away from whatever is going on in your head. I reach over and kiss your forehead and you relax almost instantly as my fingers thread into your hair and just touch each strand. 

It’s 3:23 and you’re sleeping soundly again and I look down at our hands that are entwined. Your promise ring and my engagement ring glint a little in the moonlight and I feel myself starting to get emotional again. In November I’ll marry you and the two of us will spend the rest of our lives together. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever thought of and I’ve never felt happier to be close to someone like you. 

It’s 3:45 now and I curl further against you and you smile again and I once again wonder if I live right there at the corner of your smile. I press a kiss there and you smile more and I’m certain I do.

I love you. More than anything on this Earth, I love you.

March 27, 2020

I want to speak with every part of you, with the blood that keeps you alive and the heart that keeps it rushing. I want to speak with the strands of your hair that touch your forehead and with the small constellation of freckles on your face. I want to speak with the pupils of your eyes and the curve of your smile. I want to bring every fingertip to my lips and whisper against them, thanking them for touching me with such kindness and desire. I want to kiss your chest and thank it for housing such a beautiful, genuine soul.

When you told me you loved me I became something else. I became someone that wanted what I thought I couldn’t have. I became someone who loved deeper than I even thought possible. You returned to me. You returned, you returned and all I could think of was how deeply I needed you, how much I wanted this. Us. Even when you doubt yourself, when you break down into a thousand little insecurities and questions, I want you. Just you. Always.

March 29, 2020

There are some struggles, of course. There’s the struggle of you getting clean and the struggle of me finally finding the heart to forgive myself for what happened. Some days are easier than others. Today was harder. You can’t always have good days in a relationship and I realize that. Sometimes, something just happens and you can’t control how or why it happens.

I still feel bad for the way I reacted.

I’m still working on who I am and where I’m at emotionally as far as my fears go. I still have this deep, horrible fear that I can’t save you. That something will happen and I won’t be able to. I couldn’t lose you. I can’t. To lose you would absolutely destroy me. If I survived it, I would never be the same. I’d never move on for you. I’d spend my days alone, grieving you. That’s the kind of hurt you never come back from. It’d be worse than losing Anna. There’s nobody else for me. Nobody.

Seeing how scared you were of losing me broke my heart. I’m sorry, my love. If it did happen, if something happened to you whether it was from someone else or it was self-inflicted, I would try my best to help you through it as always.

You’re my only reason. My only heart. My twin flame. My soulmate.

I will love you anyway and even harder on the bad days. We can get through everything as long as we have each other. No matter how upset I get, please don’t think that I’ll ever leave you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

March 30, 2020

Today’s a better day and I’ve counted every constellation on your body at least four times. You’ve been glued to my side like you’re afraid I’m going to go somewhere without you but I never would. Our day has been spent learning how to come back together after last night, and I’m alright with that. I asked you to talk to me today, and you did with such grace, with such vulnerability. Thank you.

Today I want to talk about how much I celebrate us every day in every small interaction and in every shared smile. How every day with you is a triumph. I still can’t believe how lucky I am to have you even on the bad days. Even when things get off-kilter.

We both seem okay. I beg we’re okay. You finally tell me what you’re afraid of and I tell you what I am afraid of in return. I feel closer to you even now. Thank you for taking the time to explain and please know that no matter what I will always hold you higher than you ever thought possible. That’s the power that we have with each other, the ability to overcome.

I love you more than anything in the world.

Here are a few things that I meant to say even then:

When I look at you I always picture losing you a little bit and my heart panics at first until I realize you’re really here. When I seem like I’m going far away for a few minutes and then I come back to you, I’ve thought of every horrible scenario in which I’ve lost you somehow and forgiven myself when I see that you’re here. When my hands tremble it’s because I’ve imagined a world where I haven’t been able to touch you. When I smile at you it’s because I’m so fucking glad you’re here with me during all of this. When I kiss you my heart is so close to yours that I can’t fucking believe it. We’ve always been like this. You’re my home, my shelter, my laughter, my heart. And I will love you through everything that life throws at us.

I promise.

April 1, 2020

It’s getting close to four months of you being sober, did you know that? On April 4th it will be the day. It’s also the same day that the two of us got together. Four months of us curled around each other, four months of us officially being what we are now.

It’s 4:35AM and you’ve rolled a little to your side and I’m tracing your back with my fingertips. Instinctively you lean back into it and I know that you still know I’m there. Even when you sleep you always find your way back to me. Starks has managed to occupy the pillow above your head and he looks back at me and nuzzles your forehead and I smile. You have us both if you wind up somewhere you don’t want to be.

I pull you closer and you don’t protest. You bury your head in my neck and you let out the happiest little noise and I feel myself start to tear up again at the way that we’re so aware of each other even when we’re sound asleep.

I’m glad you’re sleeping so beautifully because now I can whisper every beautiful thing about you into your ear to help your dreams come true. I want you to always know that I love you and that I’m proud of you. I’m proud of the man you’ve become and the man you’ll continue to become. I’m so happy that I’ll be around to see it. As you become more successful in everything you do, it means the world to me that you’ve chosen me to share your life with. As of today, 224 days from now we will be married. I don’t care how many people are at our ceremony, or even where it is even though we love the location. What I always wanted is you.

We’re committed to this. To us. To our future and to our past and how it’s shaped us into the people we are. We got together at exactly the right time in exactly the right way. I’m sorry it took so long to find my way back to you, but now you will never live another day without me in it.

It’s 4:55 and you’re still sound asleep and I’m drifting a little as well. I’m reminded of the first few nights we spent together in the hotel in Australia and how I held you while you barely slept through every tremor and I thank the stars that part is over. I didn’t like seeing you go through it because I never liked seeing you in pain. But, that was 4 months ago now.

4 months of I love yous. 4 months of sobriety. 4 months of us.

You’re doing so well, baby. Everything that you’re trying is paying off.

I love you beyond words.

[manofmanyvirtues]

The Pure Truth

This is my fifth acid trip and my most profound.  

July 6 at around 6:20 PM I dropped 450 micrograms of Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, the week prior I had spent time cleansing my mind of anxiety in preparing for this trip by handling things in my life that needed to be handled, such as: cleaning tensions between my ex and myself, telling a few people a few things I've been meaning to, finishing up my online summer school class with most of my baggage off my chest and 4 days off from work.

I was ready to buy 3 tabs good Lucy ,which is the most I've done, today. My dealer Eric met me in my alley which is pretty stereotypical, we made the exchange, I walked inside and put it in my drug box, talked to my family, and had dinner for a few hours before receding into my room for the next 10 hours.

6:20 PM I cleared my head and dropped. We played Fortnite on my PC with my friend Jay. We played for maybe an hour and a half. An hour and I begin to feel the oh so familiar feeling of my teeth and skin, tongue began to crawl with little electric pin pricks around the same time the game began to look more and more realistic and vibrant until it began to look like my character was running in front of my face, off my screen. I was already beginning to be surrounded by the flow of everything in my visual field, I started to have trouble communicating with Jay and playing the game started becoming impossible. I remember specifically glancing down at my hand well I was using the keyboard, I saw my bones move as if my skin was nearly transparent. Everything around me became vibrant began to shimmer. I knew that in was in for a big one. By now I manage to mutter: I'm gonna have to lay down to J, before logging off covering myself with blankets on my bed.  

Around 8:00 PM I put on Grateful Dead Station. Since it’s the middle of summer, the sun had not completely set yet and the low Star cast deep yellowish and orange streaks through my blinds and onto my walls, as I lay there completely invested in the music and still coming up fast, my walls and carpet and blinds began dancing with the music. There were waves on the ceiling and rhythm with the song surrounding my vision. If I were to look closer in anything, I could see every individual particles making up the object for instance. I could see every cell in my hand in every thread of my blankets. I listen to the whole album and then after it finished put on Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side of the Moon”. I remember half way through the oven my body began to vibrate with the sound. There's no way of articulating this feeling, but the sounds are quite literally a part of my touch, I could feel each individual sound holster my body to accompany it some kind of visual would pop up in front of me.  

Up until this point my psychedelic journey this was as far as I'd ever managed to dose. Far as I ever got. I managed to always dose myself low enough to make my physical being and perception feel completely bizarre and alien but I never managed to go deeper. I think this is far as most people go and... But I knew there was something more to be known. I wanted to go into the places that I heard Terence McKenna and Alan Watts talking about... I never saw The Light, The Profound, The Other, The Unspeakable. On one trip prior I remember feeling the very beginnings of my ego dissolving but nothing more. This trip was different. This overwhelming sense of understanding began to build from the moment I started tripping, so after doing trivial things like watching the walls become great city scapes or watch the ceiling fan melt into the floor, which I've done plenty of on trips prior, I decided that this was still coming on stronger by the minute and I thought my ego begin to dissolve.  

By now it's around 1:30 AM and completely dark outside. Turn off all the lights in my room and put on my headphones, began listening to binaural beats for meditation. Leading up to now I had subconsciously felt that there was some sort of struggle in my mind. My internal voice became frantic, asking questions that I've never asked before, giving answers that made sense in a way I can explain. I felt every part of my life be taken away from me one by one, my ego and everything that I had built for 17 years up until this point begin disappearing. In their place my ego was pure understanding and being. A lost memory of my mother, myself of any of my friends, of anything I ever cared about I became nothing while simultaneously I was everything. I remember feeling my body dissolve into my blanket, then into my bed, then into everyone and everything I've ever known. I become the universe.

I felt all things began to piece by piece decide that this was it - that this is the answer - that this is all I am meant to do is experience simply and in complete balance. I understood that the ultimate state of being is to understand that there's nothing to understand, and up until this point I had tried with everything I had to make sense of things on a daily basis and refused to believe that the answer was so simple. The whole time I was presented with amazing visuals of vast impossible landscapes, as if I was eye with no body. Far off places with tall mountains and planets and multiple places at once, streaks of color I've never seen before. Snakes slithering into each other and plants growing infinitely, spinning constantly changing flowers and list geometry and impossible shapes that don't exist in our reality.  

And I was suddenly cast into an endless corridor of beautifully colored faces (google Alex Grey's art to get an idea of what I'm talking about). The space roared with noise and archetypal symbolism. I saw every religion symbolism from every culture, I saw the father and I saw the mother, I saw the Yin and Yang in the form of 2 clouds of smoke - one white and one black - colliding with each other but never becoming gray. I came face to face with fear and bad intentions personified, I saw all things that drive everything in the universe, I saw the rule book of life. I knew that this presence was the universal consciousness or God or whatever you wanna call it. He was there with me. It showed me the beauty of Roxbury and it's faces and lists of beautiful perfectly symmetrical hallways and faces. I got the sense that these faces were meant to show me that the human form is purposeful. The face is designed by something we don't understand thrust into our physical reality through the evolution of life on Earth. I get the feeling that I am something immensely special.  

Message at this point was to shut up, stop worrying and listen. It showed me that the universe created life of nothing, it showed me that our only purpose is to understand. We look for peace and material and relationships but it never occurs to us how amazing it feels, how amazing it is to feel nothing. Then the trip became slightly sinister and joking with me. They began to play a sad song and were showing me a man in the fetal position searching for relief in our physical world that he finds, that he only finds after death. I was shown this for what seemed like eternity, I remember the words bouncing around: “It's all a joke, this is all a big play can't you see monkey that you have no clue what we are doing?”. At the time I was not at all scared instead in awe and curious as to what was meant by all of this.  

By now in the trip I have little recollection of my physical body, but I remember experiencing this beautiful blissful connection to everything and in the distance of my mind hearing myself cry. I felt my body convulse and cry as I was charged with this pure truth and understanding. I had no more connection to anything in my everyday life instead I am just enveloped by love, by bliss, and simultaneously by hate, by chaos, everything was there -  so nothing was. I realize now that this isn't all a big joke, less more of a big metaphor, the game to become good at.  

You get to choose which you make your purpose in this life. And spend every day working at it or you can minimize from every day it get used to be fed what to do by society. Either way you'll return to nothing so doesn't matter in the end - but it really matters now - now is all we will ever experience in this life. After this  enlightening and completely amazing experience I began piecing my life back together one thing at a time. I looked at old pictures and try to text a few friends to ground myself again.

At 2:45 AM I took 2 sleeping pills and I don't remember much after 3:30 AM. My next memory is waking up at 9:30 trying  to piece together what the the fuck happened last night. I got up, ate some fig newtons, drank a glass of water, and was sober but mind-blown for the rest of the day. It was beautiful and terrifying and completely invaluable to me having integrated this experience for a month and some change. My life has taken on a new meaning. I'm immensely more relaxed and confident in everything I do. The universe has a large of a larger purpose for me so I need to just do my part in the play with the big experiment of life on Earth as best I can. I played much more music since and can feel other musicians music in a way I never have before. It all feels so personal now. I think this trip represents one more huge step towards me becoming the best version of myself. I haven’t tripped since and probably won't for awhile, because this was the single most life changing trip of my life. And at the moment I don't feel the need to heal myself any further.

Credit: This World (Youtube)

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 14

Author’s Note:  I know it has been a little bit since I posted last.  There is a lot of stuff going on in my life right now, so it has been difficult to focus and give this story the attention it deserves.  The lovely Tyche has sent me her next chapter, however, so I have edited that and am posting it tonight.  This chapter is from Tyche’s perspective and is relaying her story.  Any editing errors are solely my own, and please don’t hesitate to inbox me if you notice something.

If you want to, you can skip down to the story below the cut.  I just want to give everyone an idea of what is going on with my life right now.  

For those of you who don’t follow @ritualistic-raven, my mother has quit two jobs this year with no savings, no safety net, nothing to keep her going long term.  The first job was one she had been in for eleven years, and she quit it as soon as her tax return came in (I think it was February? It was the beginning of the year). She lived off her tax return, without even trying to find a new job, until early June.  She found a new job in mid-July, and quit that one in September.  My sister a full time college student, and had not been working while going to school, so this was the only income they had.  There is also my nephew living with them.

My mother still has not found a job, and we are coming up on December. Toward the end of October, they (my mother, my sister, and my nephew) moved into my spare bedroom...  That’s right.  Me, my spouse, my sister, mother, and nephew all living in a just-a-hair-under 1100 sq ft house.  It is making everyone involved more than a lot bit stressed out.

My sister started a good job last week, but it is currently just seasonal (although there is a chance to go permanent after the seasonal gig is over).  I’m not even sure if my mother is still looking for jobs, TBH.  I work 42 hours a week, my spouse works 40-45, and we both have 45 minute commutes one way.  If she doesn’t, I have no idea when they will be able to get their own place - I feel terrible that my sister is sleeping on my couch or an air mattress in my office, and that my nephew has literally nothing to do at my house because my house is not very kid-friendly.  Fairly kid-proof, but not kid friendly.

I spend an inordinate amount of my time angry, depressed, overwhelmed, and exhausted.  I have difficulty sleeping, difficulty focusing on work, and resent my mother so much right now I could scream at her every time she crosses my path.  Add to all of that the fact that she has apparently forgotten how to cook (which she has done, and done well, for a living, on several occaisions?), we just made it through Thanksgiving here in the States, and Christmas holidays are right around the corner.  I’m also preparing for a business trip, trying to train a new person to help do my job, etc.

All that said, I am trying very hard to still write. I know it doesn’t always show on here, but that’s because sometimes I work on a fanfiction I have not even started posting yet, sometimes I am working on my novel-in-progress (which at this point has become something Brian Griffin would be proud of), and sometimes I am working on Destiel and Sabriel Secret Santa stuff.

TL;DR: Thank you for being patient with me, I have A Lot going on right now, and I promise The Miys is not on hiatus.

I stood on a platform in front of a large number of my fellow humans. The lights were dimmed, for the sake of my nerves, but I could still see several of the front rows thanks to the light from the video screens behind me. I felt like a mega-millionaire with a groundbreaking statement.

There was no form of microphone, no podium, not even a glass of water for my comfort. Everyone would still hear me, however, thanks to the Miys linking the translators.

I don’t know how long I stood in silence, trying to shake the nerves I expertly concealed. My feet were planted, my fingers woven in front my hips, shoulders back, and chin up. I appeared to be taking in the crowd. I was used to preparing any presentations. I was used to having a visual to gesture to or explain factually.

Here, I had nothing but my own history.

“Okay, Tyche. Deep breath. You know how to tell an engaging story. You can do this.” I thought to myself.

I rolled my shoulders in preparation and finally spoke.

“Thank you all for joining me. This hall has been reserved for those brave enough to share their stories of what they experienced after the End began. This is why we are here now. Many of you have met already, but for those of you who haven’t, please allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Tyche. I like dark clothes, fluffy cats, coffee, and swearing.”

A few in the audience chuckled.

“I am a very serious person when needed. When I don’t have to be so serious, I am aloof to those who don’t know me and social to those who do. A bit like a cat, I suppose.

“You may be able to hear an odd French accent when I speak. On Earth, I was born in the United States of America but worked very hard to move to Paris. I spent years learning the language before I ever boarded a plane, and my accent shifted a bit towards French from that alone. I spent several years in France, honing my pronunciation in order to better communicate with those whom I worked with. I worked in executive administration for a very large financial institution after bustin’ my ass to get a middle-level administration job working with my sister.

“A few years after I moved to Paris and began buying my flat, I was approached by a smaller company. The pay wasn’t as good and they weren’t globally known, but I had apparently chatted with a family member of the owner one day and my occupation came up. I had been recommended to help keep this company from going under after a fiasco left them with no one to run the accounts.

“I was reluctant to leave my comfortable job until I could at least straighten out this smaller company’s bookkeeping. I’ll be honest, it was a mess.

“I had drafted my letter of resignation a few nights before the Launch. I was preparing to hand it in; I just had to convince myself I would be happier this way. Everyone was buzzing about who would be leaving Earth and if we would ever see them again, so on and so forth. I knew the CEO of my financial institution was leaving, but I didn’t feel bad about it. It was a corporation, after all, run by a board of directors.  Still, I kept my poor sister up late one night as she talked me into doing what would make me happiest, even if it meant leaving the company we both worked for.

“The night came and everyone was watching the synchronized streaming of the Launch. Twelve ships. Twelve launch sites around the globe. Faster than light travel! And, of course, only the rich could afford to go.

“We saw it. We all saw it. Well, most of us. It was declared an international holiday, wasn’t it? So many of us sat around on our devices, streaming this brand-new technology being launched with paying customers, civilians, on board. It was momentous! It was historical!

“But then when the ships launched… Well, they blew up. There just isn’t any other way to describe it. The ships had been sabotaged to explode in the atmosphere at the same moment. The feeds cut right after we saw the start of the explosions and if you were outside or near a window? You probably saw the light race across the sky, rippling the air as it went. Then everything went dark.”

I paused for a moment. I could hear murmurs which I assumed were people telling their neighbors where they were when it happened.

Struggling to continue, I cleared my throat again. My vision was being overwhelmed by the past. My brain had thrown me into a visual flashback. I forced myself to narrate what I was seeing, telling my story as my brain recalled it.

I had taken my wine glass and tablet out to the balcony of my small Parisian flat. I was four levels from the ground and could see the lights of the city from where I lived. Even the Eiffel Tower could be seen here, as it twinkled in the distance. The view was everything I had worked so hard to achieve.

I was overwhelmed at that moment with the feeling I was finally, truly home. Drinking wine on my Parisian balcony at 4am was what I truly wanted. Having a fantastic job on top of that, allowing me to be relatively stress free? Absolute freedom, aside from the sound of my mother snoring in the other bedroom.  Headphones on, I listened with minor interest until the countdown began. I could hear several of my neighbors counting down as if it was the New Year, making me laugh in delight.

« Dix ! Neuf ! Huit ! Sept ! Six ! Cinq ! Quatre ! Trois ! Deux ! Un ! »

The buildings and streets erupted with cheering as the ships set off from their launchpads, ready to embark on a journey like no other. I had mixed feelings about it. Fantastic new technology is amazing, but the richest of the rich being the only civilians? I was thrilled about this new age of space travel and tried to focus on that, pressing the negative feelings to the back of my mind.

I was pondering what discoveries would be made along their journey and how long we would have to wait to find out when suddenly the crowds fell silent. The screen of my tablet was shaky for a moment before the livestream simply ended.

Something was wrong. What was that color? It only last for half a moment before the stream ended, but it looked like…. I had seen this before. It was a fireball. But there was an odd color to it. Orange and red and white, but there was something else.

Before I could put any more thought into it, a light rippled across the sky, warping any clouds in its path. It was like a shockwave of light. It was unreal and worse than that, unknown. I gazed out in the direction it went and saw everything flicker, then go black.

The City of Lights was dark.

It all happened so quickly. I’m placing my glass on my balcony table with my tablet, sitting down a few minutes before launch, and then watching everything go dark. Less than ten minutes.

A few fearful screams could be heard, but we knew sunrise was soon. There was already panic, however, as more and more people shouted to their neighbors and even strangers that their phones and flashlights weren’t working. Cars wouldn’t start, the metro rail wouldn’t move, and we saw no airplanes flash overhead. We waited for emergency vehicles. Police and firefighters. “Where are they?” we kept asking each other. No sirens, no lights, no sign of help.

As the day went on, we realized more and more things wouldn’t work. It didn’t take long for us to reach the conclusion that anything that had been powered by electricity, even batteries, was useless. Looting began around midday, taking advantage of the lack of police vehicles and security systems. It didn’t matter what the store was, it was at risk. Electronics were especially popular, as people assumed the power would be restored at some point.

We marched on the government buildings. We demanded answers! What the hell happened? When will it be fixed? Tell us!

Our officials were as baffled as we were. No one had answers, because the people who would have the answers couldn’t communicate or travel with ease to let the officials know.

“You have to wait. We have to go to our scientists. We have to go to them to find out why,”

Tension rose higher and higher. Insulin pumps had failed in the flash. Pacemakers failed as well, and families were outraged that there was no help. At any moment, people would die.

The horror struck many who had not considered how much we rely on technology to keep us alive.

“What about hospitals!” Many started shouting to no one in particular.

I remember leaving the scene, in a state of shock from the realizations, and returning to my flat. “France riots at the drop of a hat. I’m not French. I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire.” I told my cat as I stuffed a few clothes and some bread and water in a bag. I knew how cliché it was, but I also knew I wanted to pack light. I grabbed my duffel bag to shove more supplies into. Candles, matches, a book, a few knives… “Maybe more food.” A few more bottles of water and a wrapped cut of cheese really weighed it down, but I couldn’t skip nourishment. I was leaving Paris, on foot, not sure how long it would take me to get anywhere in this country. My mother refused to leave. “I’m sixty-four,” she declared like it was some great revelation. “I refuse to let some idiots run me out of my home.”

Technically, the flat was mine, in my name only, but I knew that tone and wasn’t about to try to argue.  She wanted to stay, she could stay.  I was taking Mac and getting the hell out of there. I wrapped in a thick coat and two scarves, put on my good boots, and then clipped the walking harness around the cat before remembering my passport. Just in case.

The click of the door behind me was heartbreaking. Was I ever going to come back? Would life restore itself in a few days? My feeling in my gut said no. It said the flash was catastrophic. It said to not get my hopes up.

“At least there’s still enough Arkansas in me to be able to navigate with the sun and stars,” I told my upset feline companion. He just squawked at me plaintively.

I headed south, toward the country. I’d go south for as long as I could.

I lost count of how many days it had been by the time I reached a small village in smelling-distance of the salty ocean. There had been no power anywhere. I had been able to stop here and there, begging people for a bit of food, just enough to make it another day. Everyone was scared of strangers. That wasn’t the French way, but this new reality made everyone paranoid. We’ve all seen those films.

The last town name I could remember is Millau. I ended up somewhere past that. A kind woman named Sandrine said she saw the flash and had been worried criminals would come.

“I’m too exhausted to hurt anyone who isn’t trying to hurt me,” I told her. I had seen very few people along my trek, but none of them seemed to think the lady with the leashed cat was worth bothering.

Sandrine offered me shelter and food from the gardens that were popular there. Aside from the candles and oil lanterns everywhere, it was hard to imagine that life here ever had electricity. It was peaceful and still very organized. The adults would speak in hushed voices. Theorizing what had happened, but no one could agree on one answer.

I stayed there for several months, never finding out what the source of the seemingly-permanent blackout was. Things were going well. This small village was rustic enough to function with little issue the entire time I was there.

Suddenly, it all came to an end. We had seen smoke off in the distance for a few days, but when we woke one morning, it was to the sound of screaming and panicking. The fire had spread overnight thanks to rough winds. It was engulfing the village.

I never want to see that again. So many people couldn’t escape. Many had been asleep when the fire took them. The sight of it was too horrific. Sandrine told me to take one of her horses and go. She would be close behind. Since I never unpacked all of my things, I grabbed my bags and rushed toward the horse pen. I was shaking as I dressed one of the horses, but managed to get everything cinched up. I ran for another saddle and bit when her house collapsed. A tree nearby, weakened by drought, had caught fire and fallen. Sandrine was inside.

I hate feeling helpless. I fought so much in my lifetime to that point so that I would be stronger, more capable, but in that moment, I knew I was helpless against a burning home. And I was terrified beyond screaming. In panicked silence, I mounted the horse and took off to the east.

This repeated for years. Find some people to huddle down with, something would destroy our home, we’d all take off in different directions for safety. Lather, rinse, repeat. The longer it went on, the more hopeless we felt. Many gave up. Many stopped caring. Many begged “why,” even though we had no way of truly knowing what caused all of this.

Sure, we saw the ships explode, very briefly, before everything went down. Around many fires we would discuss what this meant on the global scale. Nuclear reactors, medical necessities, agriculture… How long could we keep going, when everything we knew before was so tech-heavy?

After a handful of years, I quit trying to make allies. I was tired of seeing them die. I went off on my own to try to live like a hermit. I wanted isolation. I knew I could find it if I went back to one of the destroyed villages in the mountains. I knew I could stay there for a while, since I had learned how to scavenge for food and make minimal supplies last.

What I didn’t know is that I would get too comfortable in my solitude. I didn’t know that when approached by some fool stronger than myself, I would panic. He was bigger than I am, and the look in his eyes was one of true insanity. He rushed at me. All I could do was try to lose him in the woods I spent years casually learning, leaping over fallen trees and ducking under low-hung branches. This man…this man somehow kept up with me. He cornered me at a cliff, one that looked as if it overhung a flooded quarry.

I’m small. I’m perceived to be female. And I was alone with this terrifying man who’s lost his mind. I was not going to risk finding out what he wanted. Maybe to kill and eat me. Maybe worse. I wasn’t going to find out.

So, I flung myself, arms spread like wings, over the edge of the cliff, expecting death.

Instead, I woke up on this ship. I woke up with a few injuries from the chase, severe malnutrition, and a ringing in my ears.

Simon was there, and though we got off to a very rough start, he helped me by explaining the Ark and the Miys. He did have to sedate me a couple times, as violent as I was trying to be. He helped me get settled onto the ship and understand what the Miys were here. Simon was the first human I met here. And while he is, erm, awkward, I will say it was nice to see someone who hadn’t been through what we had.

A few people clapped, sensing that I had wrapped up my story. I snapped back into reality and wondered how long I had monologued, a bit embarrassed. I took another deep breath. Time to truly wrap myself up.

“Thank you for being here and being patient enough to listen to me go on. I hadn’t put much thought into how much I would share, to be honest. We all went through a lot. That’s why we share. Through our experiences, we can feel more comfortable with those around us. Hopefully, sharing my story will help show that I am an entire person, not just someone who tells you where to go and what to do. Again, thank you.” I found my way off the stage area as I tried not to cry. There were reasons I put this off for so long, and my caretaker was about to find out first hand what I am like when I break down. I needed to find him.

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[yarnings]

You’ll Have to Excuse me... I’ve Been Gone for a Month

Merry Christmas! Have some None So Scots. This is my first fic on Tumblr that wasn’t for @gotham-ruaidh‘s writing workshop, so be nice (not really. I still want to hear if there’s a huge plot hole, or if there’s something you find really troubling). Gotham still gets the credit of course. Don’t blame her for the fact that this story really hasn’t been edited enough. I don’t have the patience to wait long enough to edit it properly, especially since I like the symmetry of posting Thanksgiving dinner right after Christmas, having posted Christmas dinner shortly after Thanksgiving.

Towards the end of September, James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser was lying in bed, in his apartment, browsing Macleans online, when his sister phoned him. Startled, he almost dropped his smartphone before answering.

“Hey Jenny, what’s up?”

“Nothing much, Jamie. I’m just calling to invite you to the farm for Thanksgiving dinner on the Sunday.”

Taken aback both by his sister’s tone and the invitation, he forgot about his resolution to keep his language at all times classroom appropriate.

“What the hell, Jenny? Since when do I need an invitation to eat Thanksgiving dinner at home?”

“How about since you moved out, and we’d like you to eat Thanksgiving dinner at Lallybroch with us?”

Jamie forced himself to take a deep breath and count to te-

“If you’re still willing to spend time with us, of course.”

-four. Four was a good number to count to.

“Janet. I know we discussed this during the summer. I’ve hardly moved out, I just have an apartment for during the week. Saves me from having to get up at 5:30 every morning.”

“Generally speaking, people who haven’t moved out, and are still planning on helping out around the farm, have spent more than one night since Labour Day at home.”

Breathing heavily (snorting, really) through his nose, Jamie ground out through his teeth “Perhaps this is a conversation we should be having in person, not over the phone. Since I apparently am expected to stay in the city next weekend, perhaps we can do it at Thanksgiving?”

“Can’t. You’re bringing a guest.”

“What do you mean I’m bringing a guest? Who might this guest be? Are they hiding under my bed? Nope, no one there.”

Jenny sighed heavily, the sound carrying through the phone’s speaker and filling the bedroom.

“Don’t be an arse. You know that mom’s doctor finally arrived? Mom invited her to come for Thanksgiving, since she obviously doesn’t have any family or even any friends here yet.” The new doctor wasn’t Ellen Mackenzie’s in the sense of Ellen being her patient. But when Jamie and Jenny’s mom had decided to start leaving more and more of the day-to-day running of the farm to Jenny and her husband Ian Murray, she hadn’t so much done less work as redirected the work she was doing. She had organised a physician recruitment committee, and directed it in the unusual direction of not trying to bring in a family doctor, but to hire a surgeon for the hospital. The committee’s work had succeeded, Ellen had managed to get all the visas in order, and the new surgeon had just arrived from England.

“I’ll send you the details about picking her up. And can I put you in charge of potatoes and cranberry sauce? We’ll do your usual pies for you, because they won’t travel well by car. The doctor is the only guest this year, so it’s us, mom, Murtagh and you in addition to her.” Barely giving Jamie time to confirm that he would bring the requested dishes, she hung up.

 When the alarm went off, Dr. Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp was lying on her new bed, not so much sleeping or even dozing as simply staring blankly at the opposite wall, exhausted and somewhat overwhelmed. Before this move she would have said that she was used to moving around a lot, and didn’t have any trouble adjusting to a new place. But this was her first time in a foreign country on her own, and to her surprise that made a big difference. Thankfully she didn’t have much to move; the household supplies that had been provided for her may very well have outnumbered her possessions. (Why on earth would anyone need that many pots? And three different vases? She was wondering if more than one recruitment committee member had taken it upon themselves to provide a full set of everything that they thought she might have left behind in Oxfordshire.)

She was feeling less and less certain about having accepted the invitation to dinner today. (“Well, we call it dinner, but it’s more of a combined lunch and dinner. We eat in the early afternoon. Come hungry.”) But at least it meant she wouldn’t have to cook. The takeaway options here were limited, and she didn’t feel like having to track down some groceries and cook for herself just yet. Putting on some nicer clothes and meeting some people was probably less work than that.

She stepped out the front door of the building just as a tall young man was approaching from visitor parking. He was a few years younger than her, approaching 2 metres, and had a head of red curls, just like Ms. Mackenzie had described her son.

“Dr. Beauchamp?” Unconsciously, Jamie shifted his accent towards a more international French, away from his usual, Canadian, pronunciation, in an attempt to impress the vision of loveliness in front of him.

“Je utilise la pronunciation anglais, c’est <<beech-am>>. Vous êtes M Fraser?” Claire blinked and realised what she had just said. “I’m so sorry, I’m a little tired and I guess I thought we were speaking French for a moment there. I was just saying that my name has a very English pronunciation – it’s ‘beech-am’.” Her accent sounded very cozy to Jamie. To his inexperienced ear it was neither working-class nor particularly posh, but beyond that he couldn’t tell. Not that he cared. All he knew was that it sounded perfect.

“Pas de problem. Je parle français aussi,” Jamie continued, switching to English, with a shy grin. “I teach the French stream for Primary – that’s the 5- and 6-year-olds – actually. It’s a change to be M Fraser to an adult instead of someone at waist height.” He waved at the car. “I’ve been told that you’re who Mom is dragging out to the farm for Thanksgiving this year. She delegated the dragging part to me though. Shall we?”

Claire walked to the door of the car, and only after opening it noticed the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry,” she said again. “I think I might be a bit jetlagged still.”

From where he was holding the passenger door open for her, Jamie grinned at her. “No worries. If you want to nap on the way I won’t tell on you.” As she came around the car, Claire looked at him with confusion.

“Wait, nap? I thought your mother lived close.”

“She’s not very far. It’s maybe a 45 minute drive.”

Claire’s eyes bugged out. “Bloody hell, that’s considered “not far”? I always thought that people were joking when they talked about distances here.” Jamie politely ignored her confusion, and walked around to the driver’s side to get into the car himself.

Despite the fact that she had never met him before, Claire found herself feeling surprisingly comfortable with Mr. Fraser, as if an instant friendship had sprung up in just the few sentences they exchanged. So comfortable, in fact, that in the companionable silence in the car she did end up dozing off. Reaching one-handed into the backseat, Jamie dug out an old plaid blanket he kept in the car for emergencies. Keeping one hand on the wheel and most of an eye on the road, he tucked it around her as they drove on.

During the drive to his family’s farm, Jamie kept stealing glances at the fascinating woman sitting in the seat next to him. Despite the popularity of holding Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, traffic was light, allowing him this extended distraction. Apparently most people had either already done any travelling needed, or else were actually having Thanksgiving dinner on the day of. It occurred to Jamie that he probably should have asked around to see if any of his coworkers were on their own for the holiday, and maybe hosted a dinner on Monday. He mused on this for a while, enjoying the scenery outside the car almost as much as he enjoyed the scenery inside it. Eventually, he noticed that they were getting close to the end of the trip.

“Dr. Beauchamp? We’re almost there; you probably want to wake up now.” When she didn’t respond, he reached out and gently laid his hand on her shoulder. She started awake, and blinked at him.

“Lallybroch is just a few more minutes, I figured you probably wanted a bit of warning.” She screwed up her face, giving him a grimace that was probably intended to be a smile. They sat in silence for a few minutes, neither one wanting to shatter the fragile sense of intimacy that had grown out of her napping in his presence. But Claire’s curiosity got the better of her after a little bit.

“Lallybroch? That’s an interesting name.”

“It’s Scots Gaelic. Means ‘lazy tower’. My parents had to take the tower down for safety reasons when they bought the property, but they kept the name. Changing it would have been too many changes for the community to tolerate.”

Claire laughed at the mock-solemn look on Jamie’s face. “So you speak Gaelic as well as French then?”

“Not really. My mom has a fair bit more of it than I do. Some of her relatives, especially as they got older, weren’t very good in English, so she practiced it a lot. But knowing the name of the house you grew up in doesn’t take much.” As he explained this, Jamie smoothly turned off the road into the private drive, long practice letting him know where the rough parts where and how to avoid them.

When Jamie parked the car by the house and they got out, Claire insisted on helping him carry the food inside. “After all, you did the driving. I promise that I won’t try to take credit for it myself.” As they walked up to the door, Ellen opened it for them, saving Jamie from the dilemma of whether his sister would be more annoyed if he rang the bell (confirming that this was no longer home) or just walked right in (ignoring her accusation that he had moved out). It also saved him from having to decide whether he wanted to do the one that would annoy her more or the one that would annoy her less.

“Come in, come in!” Jamie’s mother called out, taking bowls from them and taking them into the kitchen. Arms free, Jamie and Claire took off their coats and shoes, leaving them by the door. Claire followed Jamie into what appeared to be the living room, where Ellen bustled out of a door that appeared to also lead to the kitchen.

“So nice to finally meet you in person, Dr. Beauchamp! I’m Ellen, as I’m sure you guessed.” She stuck out her hand to Claire. Her callused griped was firm, but she didn’t try playing any dominance games as she shook Claire’s hand.

““I really appreciate all the work you’ve put in to making my move here smooth. And it was so generous of you to invite me to your dinner. Oh, and please, call me Claire. And you too.” The last was directed to the room at large, starting with Jamie.

“Well then, I’m Jamie, Claire.” Jenny shot her brother a dark look at this, wordlessly saying You spent how long with this woman in a social setting and only now share your first name? She stepped forward, offering a handshake of her own.

“I’m Jenny, and this is my husband Ian, with our daughter Katherine” the tiny woman said, pointedly offering only first names as she gestured to the dark-haired man sitting in a plush chair, holding a baby who was industriously pulling at the bows in her dress in an attempt to remove them so she could eat them. Claire nodded to Ian, and cooed over Katherine. The last person in the living room, a wiry, somewhat disheveled man silently nodded at her.

“This is Murtagh Fraser. His grandmother was my late husband’s grandfather’s oldest sister, and he’s Jamie’s godfather. But close friend of the family might be a better description.” Claire shook Murtagh’s hand as she parsed the relationship.

“So you’re second cousins by marriage,” she said, pointing at Ellen and Murtagh. “And they’re his second cousins once removed,” pointing at Jenny and Jamie. Murtagh flashed her a quick grin, transforming his face for a brief instant. Claire had the feeling she had just passed some kind of obscure test.

Ellen invited Claire to take a seat, and almost immediately bustled back to the kitchen in response to a timer. She was followed by Jamie who wanted to check on the food he’d brought and it’s reheating, then Murtagh, who came back only to send Jenny in to confer with Ellen on the subject of turkey carving. Shortly afterwards Ellen herself returned, announcing that dinner was ready.

Once everyone was settled around the dinner table (except Katherine, who was playing with brightly coloured plastic in a playpen), Ellen said a prayer for the meal, and the feast began. In addition to Jamie’s cranberry sauce, the turkey was accompanied by gravy and a large dish of dressing (“And there’s more in the kitchen, so take as much as you want.”) There were rolls with butter, a green salad, Brussel sprouts and, to pair with the mashed potatoes, a dish of mashed rutabaga. This last caused some confusion, as none of the Cape Bretoners knew the name “swede” until Google was consulted for a picture. Claire found herself in a swirl of dishes being passed, leaving plates piled high with food in their wake. “If you need anything else, or want more of something, please, just ask.” Wine was poured, and water jugs placed out on the table, and everyone started to eat.

When Jenny had a half plate of food remaining, Katherine suddenly switched from happily entertaining herself to wailing. Jenny sighed, looking at her dinner and started to get up. Ian stopped her. “I’ll change her diaper first, you can have a bite more right now before you have to come in and nurse her.” He walked off into the house, carrying the crying baby.

Jenny took Ian’s advice and tucked into the food on her plate while it was still warm and she had company in her eating. Seeing the concern on Claire’s face, Ellen explained “Katherine isn’t fond of wet diapers. And she’s been up for a while, so she’s tired. Nothing’s actually wrong, she’s just not able to handle the discomfort. A dry diaper, a full belly and she’ll nap.” Claire smiled her thanks, not very used to interacting with small children, especially not healthy ones.

Once Jenny left to nurse Katherine, Ellen looked at Jamie and quietly said “Jamie, I’ve been wondering. You seem to be doing quite well in the city. How would you feel if moved into the granny flat, instead of you just storing your stuff there? You could have my old room as yours, so you wouldn’t need to be staying in a guest room every time you were home. And between Katherine, and the fact that you have your own place now, Jenny and Ian shouldn’t be having to live in my house. And it’s going to be my house unless I move out.” Not really having a choice, despite how his mother phrased things, and appreciating that she had waited until Jenny was out of the room to raise the issue, Jamie agreed.

“After dessert I’ll go see if there’s anything I want to take back with me today. But I can’t do anything about the majority of the books right now. Maybe I should come back tomorrow? Or I can come home after school. After all, I made the trip daily for a couple of years, I’m sure I can manage it for a few nights.” His mother raised an eyebrow at him.

“I’m not overly picky about it being done that quickly. Just so long as I don’t have to move all those books myself.” Jamie glared at his mother, but given the size of his personal library (at least the hard copy portion of it) he had no reasonable reply. Ian smirked a bit at this; having been recruited to help Jamie install the bookshelves, he was quite happy to have someone on his side about the excessiveness of the collection.

Murtagh grunted. “I’ll swing by the NSLC for you and grab some boxes. You might not be able to fit enough in your car if you do it yourself.” Ellen and Ian burst out laughing, and even Claire, who had been feeling slightly awkward while this not-quite-a-fight was going on snickered. Ian shot her a reassuring glance, understanding how she felt, as Jenny returned with a triumphant look on her face.

“Out like a light! Hopefully she’ll stay down, I never quite trust it when she falls asleep so quickly.” Fortunately Jenny’s worries proved to be unfounded, and the adults were able to enjoy the rest of the meal leisurely.

At the end of the meal, as the plates were being passed to Ellen to return to the kitchen, Claire offered another round of praise for the food.

“That was amazing. You’re all such good cooks. I’ve never had a meal like this one, and this was an amazing introduction.”

Jenny looked at Claire curiously. ���I know that turkey is a New World food, and the cranberries, but the meal as a whole can’t have been that different from what English food is like.”

“I can’t really say, actually,” Claire replied. “We never really ate it. I was raised by my uncle, he was an archeologist. When we were out at one of his digs, he would hire a local cook. At home he tended towards curries. You have to remember that his generation grew up hating home cooking. He was 2 when food rationing started during the war, and 16 when it was fully lifted. So, once he got to choose, he stuck with a diet that didn’t resemble what he ate as a child.”

Ellen had grabbed the stack of plates to take to the kitchen. Claire grabbed a couple of serving dishes at random and followed her, to a disapproving shake of Murtagh’s head. In the kitchen, Ellen turned around and realised it was Claire who had helped out.

“Oh, Claire. You’re a guest, you didn’t need to do that. Here, I’ll take those. Why don’t you go and relax? I’ll have dessert out in a jiffy.” Claire rejoined the table in time for Jamie and Jenny to hop up with dishes to clear, leaving her at the mercy of the quiet members of the family. To her pleased surprise, Ian turned out to be perfectly capable of holding up his end of the conversation, as long as his wife and in-laws weren’t filling up all the spaces. Claire found herself immersed in his stories about shenanigans at Fort Mac. Before she knew dessert, in the form of pumpkin and apple pies, along with a bowl of freshly-whipped cream had appeared on the table.

“Would you like pumpkin or apple, Claire?” Ellen hovered her knife between two pies.

Seeing her indecision, Jamie leaned over to her and stage-whispered. “Both is generally an accepted answer.”

Claire blushed, but took Jamie’s advice. She felt less awkward when everyone except Murtagh (who asked for a larger piece of pumpkin instead) followed her lead. Unsure as to which pie she wanted to eat first and which one she wanted to save for last, she tried a bite of apple, followed by a bite of pumpkin, at which point she understood Murtagh’s logic. To her embarrassment, her appreciative moan was audible to everyone at the table. Even Jenny grinned at it.

“It appears that you’ve managed to make an acceptable substitute for my pie, Jenny.”

Claire ignored Jamie. “This is amazing. What do you put in it?”

“It’s a custard with pumpkin puree and basically mixed spice.” Jenny was quite proud of her knowledge of British culinary terms, and was thrilled to get an excuse to refer to mixed spice.

“Did you use my jar of spice mix, Jenny? Because if you did, there’s cardamom in there too.” Jamie was far less concerned with keeping his recipe secret than with taking credit for the pie’s success.

Not to be left out, Ellen piped up with her contribution. “And we used rum in the whipped cream instead of vanilla. Pairs much better with the pies that way.”

“Whatever it is you did, it’s great.”

Jamie and Jenny, however, weren’t listening, and kept verbally poking at each other for the duration of dessert, with the occasional comment from Ian and Ellen thrown in.

By the time the table was cleared again Jamie, who was still blaming his sister for the entirety of the argument over whether or not he’d moved out, as well as him having stayed in the city the last weekend and this one, realised that he was at a profound disadvantage from the assumption that Lallybroch was no longer “home”. Had it been agreed that he was living at Lallybroch, or even if he had been home for the weekend, he could have argued that someone else should drive Claire back, but as it was, clearly he was expected to drive back with her tonight. And, given that her nap in the car on the way here seemed to be wearing off, he really couldn’t join in the after-dinner drinks, as he would likely be making that trip soon. Irritated by this, he announced that he was going to his room to see what he could pack.

Jenny watched him leave with ill-concealed annoyance, and turned to Ellen, who was looking doubtful.

“It’s going to be so odd having an actual granny in the granny flat, eh mom?”

Ellen laughed. “Remember how upset Jamie got when we let him move out there in high school, but kept calling it the granny flat? He always said that since it was only him and Murtagh who had actually lived there that it should be the dude room.” She turned to Claire. “See, when Brian and I bought Lallybroch, pretty much every single building on the land was in disrepair. It ended up being cheaper to just tear them all down and replace them. Now, we were only able to afford the farm because the price was heavily discounted due to all these repairs. We were a bit tight for being able to rebuild everything. But we got lucky, and ended up with a budget – or rather something of a blank cheque – for building the house. Just the house mind you, so if we didn’t spend the money on it, it was gone. So we made sure there was everything we wanted. And after we had all the rooms I was willing to clean, we decided in a fit of optimism to add on a granny flat. We intended it as such, and always called it that, even when it was a glorified guest room, or an apartment for family who needed a place to stay. So Jenny’s right, when I move in will be the first time that the granny flat is used as such. Oh, can I get you some more wine?”

Claire looked down at this apparent non-sequitur, and realised that she had indeed finished her wine without noticing. Hmmm. Not a good sign if she was tired enough to not notice that she was drinking. While she had nothing against enjoying a few drinks on occasion, she was aware that there was a strong correlation between how much she had had to drink, and how much more blunt she got. And given that her usual tendency towards bluntness was exacerbated by being tired, too tired to notice how much she was drinking was not a good situation with people she didn’t know well, and really wanted to stay on the good side of. (Aside from lingering worries about making a good impression on Ellen, Claire found herself very much enjoying the company of the family, and held some vague hopes of seeing them socially again.)

Much to her relief, Jamie re-entered the room. They caught each other’s eyes, and spoke simultaneously.

“Jamie, I’m sorry, but I think…”

“I can take you back anytime you need, Claire. Let me know”

Murtagh let out a chuckle as Jamie and Claire paused to figure out what the other had said.

“Thank you so much Jamie. I don’t mean to take you away from your family, but the trip and time change are catching up with me.”

“No worries. I’ll probably come back later tonight or tomorrow anyhow.”

“That will make Katherine happy,” interjected Jenny. “She always likes to see you.” Jamie grinned at this, being as enamoured with his tiny niece as his mother was, and taking the olive branch from his sister for what it was.

A few minutes later, Jamie was backing out of the driveway. His leftovers were still in the kitchen, except for those parts of them that had ended up in the bundle of food his mother had handed to Claire as they were heading out the door.

Despite her fatigue, she stayed awake for the trip this time, chatting easily with Jamie, and watching the scenery out the windows. She found him more than able to share what he knew of local history, answering all the questions she had, and offering up the occasional tidbit of his own.

For his part, Jamie didn’t want the drive back to end. He found himself genuinely enjoying the time he was spending with Claire, and to his surprise was even happy that he had to do the return trip, as it meant he got more time with her all to himself. He enjoyed getting to share his knowledge with her, and as the trip back to the city wound to a close, he found himself more and more thinking of his father’s words, that when he found the right woman for him, there would be no questions, he would just know.

Next

[spidermanswifi]

like real people do

bucky barnes x reader 

summary: y/n is a necromancer and Bucky just really wants to kiss her

pleASE LISTEN TO THIS SONg also this is uhhh over 3k words????

necromancy: communicating with the dead, and/or bringing them back

Her hands clawed at the soft earth under her, digging through the dirt frantically. There was dirt under her nails and she was barefoot, but she didn’t care. Only cared about pulling him back up to her, saving him like she should have done in the first place. She dug and dug, flinging the dirt behind her. The ponytail fixed on her head was coming unraveled, the pieces sticking to the light sheen of sweat on her forehead. Within minutes, her fingers hit something hard, and she breathed in the smell of dirt and rain and finally- finally, she found the box. Clawing the lid off the dark wood, she peered inside, but it was empty. Her thoughts whirled around her brain, trying to come up with a reason why he wasn’t in there, why it was fucking empty. There was a sudden pressure on her back, and two hands were pushing her forward. She fell into the hard wood of the coffin, screaming as the lid snapped shut after her. There was total darkness, and then—

Her body shot up into a sitting position, trembling. y/n’s wild eyes searched around her, mind slowly coming to the realization that she wasn’t in any actual danger. It was just a dream, she tried to tell herself, just a bad dream. But, it wasn’t just a dream, and she knew that. Because it was a memory of a real event. Maybe a little different (the ending that actually played out was a bit more pleasant), but still the same premise. Staring at her palms she inspected them for any signs of dirt and then moved on to inspect the spaces under her nails. Any sign of dirt would have launched her into a full-blown panic attack. Even though she knew that her dream had almost been a reality a month ago, she was always scared that she’d wake up and it would happen again. This time with the ending that she had dreamed about last night.

Upon finding nothing that looked in the slightest like dirt, she drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them close. y/n had no idea what to do. The nightmares had only started up a week ago, and it was like they were getting worse; more real every single night. It was absolutely terrifying.

Reminding herself to breathe in and breathe out was a challenge, but she managed to calm herself down enough to get out of bed and walk out of her room to knock on the door across the hall from her. If anyone would understand it would be him. But at the same time, she didn’t want to burden him with this, with the same thing he had been running from for a month now. She let a breath out slowly, pushing past her anxiety of talking to him.

A soft knock on his door startled Bucky from the book he was currently reading. His eyes drifted over to the small digital clock on the wall, red numbers blinking 3:45 am at him. No one around the compound was usually up this late, so he was a little hesitant about seeing who it was. Setting the book down on the nightstand next to him, he got up out of bed and opened his door. Once his eyes recognized her silhouette in the dark, he wasn’t surprised to see her awake; although he was surprised that she was standing in front of him. He placed his hand on the door jamb, leaning his body weight into it. Her nightmares had been getting worse over the course of the past week (information that he got out of Steve and Sam), and he had been feeling guilty about it every second of the day.

Bucky and y/n had never been close. Granted, she had only become an Avenger two and a half weeks ago (Fury begged her to join; which surprised everyone that the man could even beg in the first place) so they hadn’t had much time to get close, but even then, he hadn’t really been able to thank her, as she had been avoiding him ever since that night.

That night.

The night that changed everything for him, for Steve, for her.

Before she was an Avenger, she had been a vigilante. Always there to help the Avengers, but never one to want to work alongside someone else permanently. Bucky had always been fascinated by her, even from the moment Steve told him about the mysterious girl who always seemed to come to their aid when they needed her most. When Bucky asked what she could do, what her powers were, Steve only shrugged. No one really knew for sure, they just knew she was different.

When asked point-blank if she wanted to be a part of the team (Tony had grabbed her wrist gently before she had tried to leave after a fight), she shook her head and left, shocking everyone. He had heard her explain to Steve once that it was because she didn’t want the government to be able to control her or what she did, and that she preferred to be alone. Bucky could understand this; especially after the Accords. And the last part? He understood more than anyone knew. Isolating himself was better for everyone, although no one would let him do it. He was a gun loaded and ready to fire at the slightest pressure; he couldn’t even trust himself. If someone were to utter those 10 words, he’d become the very monster that he spent the last year and a half trying to destroy. And what if he hurt someone again? What if he…what if he killed again? He doesn’t think he’d be able to live with himself anymore if that were to happen. Fuck what Steve wanted, he wouldn’t allow himself to live if he killed another innocent person again.

Bucky remembered that y/n was at his door and tore himself from the thoughts in his head. “What happened?” He asked, clearing his throat.

“I had that dream again,” she said, voice wobbling, “but it was slightly different.” Her gaze travelled around to everywhere but on him. It put him on edge that she wasn’t even able to look him in the eyes.

“What was different about it?” His voice was urgent, blue eyes searching hers. Her eyes flicked toward him for a second, hesitating before answering. “I didn’t—I couldn’t save you.” She said softly, twisting her hands together. Tears gathered in her eyes, and then he noticed that she was trembling.

Bucky could feel his heart drop and splinter the second the words left her mouth.

She was having nightmares all because of him, because he had to go and get himself killed. His grip on the door jamb tightened, and he winced when he heard the sound of wood splintering.

“I-I’m sorry.” He said, frowning.

“It’s not—it’s not your fault Bucky.”

This frustrated him. It was so obviously his fault, and he hated that she was just trying to protect his feelings. “How the hell isn’t it my fault?”

“I was the one who decided to bring you back. I made the decision, knowing the consequences, so it’s not your fault.”

“y/n, I got myself killed and then you…you brought me back. If I wouldn’t have been so stupid and—and hotheaded then none of this would have happened. I’m so sorry that you had to do that, and now you…I’m sorry.”

She just stared at him, a sudden intense look in her eyes. “I don’t regret it. Fuck, I’d do it all over again if it meant you—you’re alive okay?” y/n stumbled over her words, a fierceness in them. And she was telling the truth; if she had to do it again, she would, no questions asked.

She wasn’t supposed to be there. But she had heard through the grapevine that hydra had something she wanted, so she planned to steal it (she never said she was inherently good, but it’s not like she was in the wrong for stealing from hydra of all things). Originally, it was supposed to be a quick get in get out type of thing, but hydra had been expecting an ambush. Not from her of course, but still an ambush, and she couldn’t leave the Avengers to get their asses handed to them, so she stayed and fought. Before she knew it, she was back to back with Wanda Maximoff, dodging attacks from the surrounding hydra agents. Although her head was in the battle, her eyes kept drifting to the man fighting back-to-back with Steve Rogers. She had seen him before, years ago when he was someone else, when hydra had him chained to them. He had been the Winter Soldier then, and she was glad that he had been able to break free. Bucky Barnes looked absolutely beautiful, and she hated that her mind automatically went there, but he truly did. Her eyes trailed over his face, cataloguing every feature to go over in her mind later.

She then turned then, her focus completely on helping Wanda.

It was one minute. 60 seconds that she had looked away from Bucky Barnes, and then a gunshot rang out. No one was sure which side it came from, and then Steve screamed. It was a sound that would haunt her for eternity; the sound of a man losing everything (and y/n supposes that he had truly lost everything in that moment).

It was like time froze for everyone in the room as all eyes turned towards Captain America. Bucky’s body was slumped forwards, leaning on Steve’s shoulder.

It was hard to realize at first what happened. It just looked like Bucky was simply leaning on Steve, like an old friend would. Although if she thought about it, it was an odd place to lean on your friend. They had been in the middle of a battle, after all. But then Bucky’s body started sliding to the floor in slow-motion, a smear of blood on the front of Steve’s suit where Bucky had been leaning up against. Steve dropped to his knees, his hands pressing on the spot where his best friend had been shot. Time moved fast then, a blur of events too messy to remember.

They had tried to stop the bleeding, tried to save his life. It had been too late though. Bucky Barnes died in the tower, his heart stopping two hours after they brought him back in the quinjet.

He was buried a day later, his body lowered in a cherry colored wooden coffin. It was raining and sad and y/n never wanted to go to another funeral again. Throughout the entire service, her mind was whirling with thoughts about what she could do to help. Yeah, she didn’t know Bucky all that well, but she liked the Avengers, thought that they were all good people. And no one deserved to lose their best friend.

See, y/n had a few other gifts up her sleeve, other than being a deadly assassin of course. When she was 10 years old, her best friend and trusted confidant Floofy (she was ten years old, of course she couldn’t think of a better name than that), died suddenly. She had gotten the dog a few years back; he was a border collie, and the best damn dog in the entire world. Her family had let her say goodbye in peace, and she had placed her hands on his body, running her small fingers through his fur one last time. She remembered wishing he was alive the thought echoing in her mind, and then her fingers got tingly and weird and suddenly there was a heartbeat. y/n thought she had been imaging it at first, but then his head raised, and he looked at her with life in his eyes, and she knew she was special. Her mother hadn’t been surprised; her aunt had the same gift, and there had been a strong chance that her daughter would carry the gene as well (y/n never really understood the genetics behind it all, more focused on the actual power).  

She remembered what her mother told her, years back when she had asked about her gift.

“Mommy?”

“Yes baby?”

“Can I help out humans?”

Her mother kneeled down next to her, taking her hands in hers. “You can, yes. But be careful with helping humans—there’s only so much you can do, and if you push too much you can hurt yourself.”

She decided that she’d do whatever she could, but secretly. If it didn’t work and she had gotten Steve’s hopes up, she’d feel even worse than she already did. So, she slipped out of her home, walking through the shadows to the place where he lay. It took a while to dig through the cold earth with her fingers, but she was determined. After a while of digging, her fingertips touched wood, and she sat back on her heels.

This would be the first time she had ever resurrected a human, and if she was being honest with herself, she was terrified. When she brought life back to animals, it exhausted her and made her sight fuzzy around the edges for a few hours. But the worst part of it wasn’t how she felt physically—it was how she felt emotionally. y/n had found out after the second animal, that she grew an emotional attachment to whatever she brought back. For example, the second animal she had brought back was a rabbit. Once she was sure he was up and alive, she set him free, not really thinking about what could happen to him out in the big bad world. She watched as he hopped across the large expanse of the woodland nearby, and then things took a turn for the worst. A fox darted in the line of her vision and spooked the rabbit, making him bound across the woods even faster. Her heart leapt in her chest then, fear icing her veins, as if she was the one running from the fox.

The fox got the rabbit then, snapping the small creature up and into it’s mouth. y/n felt the struggle, the shot of terror, and then…nothing. The emptiness was horrifying; it felt like a piece of her broke off and disappeared, like there was a hole in her soul. It took a few weeks to come back from that, the feeling terrifying her to her bones.

She thought of this suddenly, fear trickling into her stomach at what would happen if Bucky were to die a second time. It was horrible with a tiny rabbit, and she couldn’t help but hesitate. He was an Avenger, which might possibly be the most dangerous job out there. But then she thought of him. Of how much Steve cared for him, of those blue eyes—and she knew she had to do this. Bucky deserved every chance at a good life he could get, and she’d be damned if she wouldn’t help him get that.

Her fingers were cold as she pried the lid off, but it lifted easily. She froze then, her eyes locked on the lifeless body of the super soldier. It was hard to see, a man that had been dragged through hell and back finally at peace, but she knew it wasn’t his time yet…couldn’t be his time yet.

Lifting her hands down into the box, she pressed gently on Bucky’s chest, closing her eyes. It was harder than usual (or maybe she was just rusty), but after a few seconds of imagining him alive, her hands burned, and then—a heartbeat. Grinning to herself, y/n once again sat back on her heels, waiting. He had been confused as he sat up, his gaze wild and panicked. A swift explanation left her mouth, and it went better than she had thought. He didn’t question her or call her crazy, just stared at her with a foreign look in his eyes (one that anyone would call adoration, but y/n wasn’t anyone—she had no idea what that looked like on another person’s face, besides her mother). Bucky climbed out of the box with a little help from her, because his legs felt like jelly and trembled like a baby deer’s, and then they sat next to his headstone while he asked her a million questions. The entire time, she tried so hard not to stare. Even post-resurrection he looked like Adonis, and it made her heart race in a good way.

After a while, she decided to bring him back to his rightful place; the Stark tower.

She told Bucky to wait outside while she went inside the room and tried to explain as best she could what she just did. The Avengers didn’t believe her at first of course, but then she called Bucky in, her cheeks growing hot at the awe now bleeding into the eyes of the team. y/n was never one that was good with taking praise, so this was new to her (along with the fact that she just told a group of people about her gift, which she never did).

It was fine at first. She didn’t really notice anything off, and maybe—just maybe, resurrecting humans was easier. But then the dizzy spells started, and then the weird dreams (which eventually morphed into nightmares), but then the oddest thing started to happen; she had started to fall in love with him.

Her glances started to linger, and her thoughts quieted when she was near him, and it was like…a safety net in a person. Which was new for her, and maybe that’s why she had tried to stay away at first. Feelings were messy, especially in her situation.

But tonight?

The nightmare was scary, and she was sick of dealing with this alone; sick of feeling perpetually alone. And Bucky was there, Bucky was always there. She knew he’d been asking Steve and Sam and anyone else who knew how she was doing. He didn’t know the logistics of bringing people back, but he knew it had not been an easy task, even if y/n tried to make it seem like it was. It was sweet, so fucking teeth rottingly sweet that he cared about her, about how she was doing.

He had a good heart, and y/n knew she made the right choice.

“Do you want to come in?” He asked, stepping aside. Nodding her head, she started to walk into his room, but then stopped a few inches away from him. Her body turned to face him, and she launched herself into his arms, squeezing him tight. Slowly, he hugged her back, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

Ever since that night, Bucky has wanted to kiss her. His eyes always drift down to her pretty lips while she speaks, and it was distracting. It was getting hard to focus around her, even harder to stop thinking about her. But it wasn’t because she brought him back—no, that would be too simple. It was more for the fact that she didn’t expect anything from him. She only said a quiet “you’re welcome” when he thanked her profusely, and that was that.

But over the past few weeks he had grown curious and wanted to know the reason why she brought him back. And maybe this was a bad time to ask, but the question slipped out before he could keep his mouth shut.

“Why did you do it?” He asked quietly, moving to rest his cheek on her head.

“What?” Came the muffled response.

“Why did you bring me back?”

She blinked. “I uh…I know who you were before this,” y/n said, placing a hand on his chest. “And I also know that hydra basically brainwashed you, forced you to do it. You deserve a long and happy life, Bucky. You deserve to get back all the time you missed because of them.”

Bucky moved in front of her then, placing his hands on both sides of her cheeks, his blue eyes searching hers. For what, he didn’t know, but the slight pink in her cheeks and the pure honesty in her eyes made him smile softly at her.

And then he kissed her.

The parts of his life he could remember had been plagued by people wanting him for ulterior motives, for terrible things that he wanted to forget. And this person—this beautiful and kind girl wanted him to get back the parts of the life he lost, and she used her special gift to help him do it. Never had someone cared so immensely about him in the most selfless way possible, and in his heart, he knew he loved her. Maybe it was too soon to love someone he hadn’t known for that long, but…but he didn’t care.

He had known darkness in the deepest parts of his soul, and he had known what it was like to feel the life bleed out of him. Maybe the good did come after the bad, and if this was the good, it was more than enough for him.

[apartyofone]

Euro finale

Last of my notes:

The cabbie from Nice airport was talkative and friendly - already a change of pace from the icy cold Swiss. When I told him the name of the hotel he smiled and said - you're in for a very special stay! Wow - ok that sounded interesting. He dropped me off - and within 5 minutes I started to understand what he meant. The name of the hotel is Hotel La Perouse. I suggest anyone reading this account should Google it because my description is probably not going to be worthy of this grand place. Eh, never mind - I'll save you the time.  

https://www.hotel-la-perouse.com/

The hotel itself is built into the contours of a cliff that divides Nice - to the south is the long beach and promenade. (Sadly - the place of that horrible terrorist attack in 2016 -

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_Nice_attack

But here’s a look at the hotel:

Yeah, it was that good.

The fun started when I checked in. The porter grabbed my too-heavy suitcase and made for the elevator. Which only went to one other level - 5 floors above the street, just one stop. Straight up the cliff. We wound around the hotel to elevator #2. That went another 4 floors. And then the final elevator - up to the top 3 floors! I finally memorized the route by day 2! My room was not facing the sea - damnit - but that probably meant my 300 Euro room would have been 500 or more. That's fine. I had a lovely cool patio against the cliffside, private and surrounded the dry native vegetation clinging to the cliff. The room itself was spacious and modern. In fact every hotel I chose on this top was fabulous for one reason or another. Even Geneva with it's strange sexual symbols throughout the place! Maybe those Swiss aren't so cold after all.

Now I was energized to explore this amazing town. The cab ride had been straight from the airport but the cabbie had told me about exploring the old town sections. That proved to be one of the highlights of this trip. I spent the rest of the afternoon exploring the narrow streets and alleys of this ancient town. While I couldn't say that it was crowded with tourists, there were always a few people around. Every different little alcove had its own character to it. So many restaurants - many of them shuttered in the heat of the afternoon. I walked probably 4 miles around just one part of the huge old city, poking my head into courtyards and building if the gate/door was open. No one objected to the obvious tourist having a look around. Warm and welcoming - that's the theme of this part of France. At least where ever I journeyed. Maybe I was putting too much stock into the difference in Switzerland to France? Could be.

I knew I was coming back to this maze of streets on my final day, so I decided to extend my touristic range. I booked a trip through the hotel for a brief glimpse of Monaco and Monte Carlo for the next morning. Then I walked around the cliffside, away from the beach promenade,  to the less touristy area of Nice, near the harbor. The hotel did a great job of recommending restaurants and I found - and enjoyed - a seafood place right across from the yacht moorage. After exploring a bit of the residential blocks going into the hills I trudged back to my hotel. I think I logged a good 6-8 miles of walking! Had a nightcap in the delightful bar area near the pool and struck up a conversation with a lovely lady who was leaving the next morning. Unfortunately I couldn't talk her into extending her stay. But I might have a place to stay in Paris next year. : ) My bag might be heavy yet again.

My final day of vacation - and I think I took advantage of every single moment. After a nice breakfast with my new friend, I put her in her cab for the airport and I met my tour guide Joseph. I booked a  half day tour into Monaco - and it turned out to be almost a private tour! Only two other people on the tour bus - a couple from Italy - and two tour guides! The couple paired off with the Italian speaker, and I was with Joe, a fascinating Frenchman. Around 60 years old, Joe has spent his entire life in the tourism and travel industry, from hotels and hospitality, to cruise ships and now doing tours in Nice and Monte Carlo.

You know how there are some people that you instantly bond with? Well, Joe was one of those guys. (And let's face it - this is a pretty rare occasion in my rather closed off life). If I had more time I think he and I would have had some interesting times, showing me all of the real parts of Nice that tourists never see. I kept his card - I WILL look him up when I go back.

The hours we spent together were pretty amazing. Yes, we hit the tourist joints of Eze - an amazing enclave clinging to the side of the coast above Monaco - and through Monte Carlo. But he detoured to a different route back to Nice, through the chiseled hills that wind around the coastal communities. Not for the first time on this trip I thought my time in Geneva was such a waste! I could have spent days enjoying this amazing place on the earth. Ugh - next time.

Monaco is post card pretty. I only had a chance to see a few of the best sights. Oh yeah, and I ran into Prince Albert.

http://apartyofone.tumblr.com/post/173125069279/so-i-was-strolling-around-in-front-of-the-royal

Joe had a tour group booked in the evening but he pointed to his favorite restaurant, on the main square of old town Nice. I gave Joe's name to the restaurant host.....and I found myself at the best table in the place. The owner came out and trying to speak English grasped my hand. I took that to mean that any friend of Joe is welcome! He left a carafe of his house wine and so the meal began. I didn't even order. Out came this amazing fresh grouper served on saffron rice. All day I started to understand the relationship to north Africa, just across the Med. Now the spices in the foods were reflecting this complex cultural crossroads.

The sun had long gone down and the alleys of old town were dark - highlighted only by the numerous small restaurants tucked in the ancient buildings, tables spilling outside with bursts of sounds and songs. In any other city I probably would have felt a little threatened or worried about the darkness; for some reason (maybe the wine?) I felt very safe as I wondered through the lanes. Finally my feet gave out on me - thank God I had invested in great walking shoes for this trip unlike Euro 17 - and I regretfully ended up at my hotel. I resolved I would be back for more - much more.

I lingered at the outdoor bar for another hour just reflecting on my day. Alas, didn't find a new friend that night. But as I had a crazy early day - travel day - it was just as well. I walked up to the roof top one last time and took pictures.

After packing for my long journey home I finally fell asleep - satisfied that I had made the most of this Euro journey.

++++++++++

I started the day on the roof of the hotel. I wanted some sun rise pictures over the beach and sea. I was sooooo blessed with the weather on this trip. Joe had told me that the previous FOUR WEEKS had been almost non stop rain. Glad that my only bad weather was in London - almost appropriate there.

I knew my travel day home was going to be hellish - it didn't disappoint.

9 AM - Train from Nice to Paris - thank god not on strike. The seatmates in my first class car were all Americans in a group tour. They were buzzing about how they found a pick pocket and outed her to the police.

3 PM - Arrive in Paris, the Gard Lyon Station. I had hoped to dine at the famous restaurant above the station. By the way - if you need to ever book travel in Europe I recommend this site: https://www.seat61.com/. It's the ultimate guide to train travel and more. He recommended this amazing art deco restaurant at the top of this legendary station. Alas.... there was no elevator to the restaurant. And me, stuck with my fucking heavy luggage, was not going to be trudging up 3 flights of stairs. Oh well, next time.

5 PM - Arrive at De Gaulle Airport for my trip back to the US. Check in was so easy compared to what we have to endure in the US. I felt every bit as safe flying out of Europe as with the heavy handed US TSA. Had an amazing pre flight meal - even the airport restaurants in France are superb - to use up my last Euros. Boarded right on time for Norweigen Air flight.

12:00 Midnight, JFK Airport. Slept most of the flight on this most comfortable airline and airplane. Most notable thing - I was on aisle seat with two young males in the middle and window seat. On a 9 hour flight they didn't move once - not to the bathroom or even for food/drink. Zombies? Maybe.

My kids S and C were there to pick me up. Neither one are great city/freeway drivers. But they decided to stay up late and team up to bring me home. I slept most of the 1:45 trip home.

And finally we were back. The longest time I had spent away from my home for....wow....maybe decades. I recall some long sales trips when I worked with Mattel a long time ago.

I was  happy physically to be home. Mentally? Not so much. This trip satisfied many questions for me, in many ways. I had wondered if my view of Paris especially was colored by a first time infatuation. No, my love for that place is set in stone. My mind is even more made up.

I suppose too my unhappiness - maybe desperation!? - of our current domestic political situation is driving me away. Even if that cunt Trump is tossed out in 2020 the devastation he has left has scarred this country. I don't really want to be a part of the damage control - not with the sunset of my life before me.

++++++++++++

What will I remember from Euro 2018? So much.

 The book scene in London was energizing.

 Exploring more of my love of WW2 history. 

Immersing myself in Paris. 

The cold hardness of Geneva.

The warmth - people,  places and things - of Nice. 

A glorious 18 day sojourn, filled with memories and pictures.

Solo travel isn't so bad. Especially in the few spots where it isn't so solo.

This trip has only encouraged me to renew my mind, body, spirit- and passport - for more trips to come.

[sunshineonamission-blog]

Monday 1/28/19

1:28 AM

I woke up this morning and it was as if total body exhaustion had replaced all pain. I fell back asleep even though I had work to do and woke again at maybe 8. Then I tried to get dressed. All of my clothes. All of them. Are drenched in him. It took too long to get dressed. I was wearing these jeans friday night. My jean jacket pockets are empty of the love letters I kept in each pocket. He loved and hated this turleneck. But as a look altogether, I’ve never worn it and I didn’t feel like my usual self and that helped. I’ve been dressed differently. My denim jacket and black hoodie and walking at a very brisk pace have become the insufficient replacement for any other form of coat. Hoops. I kinda need to feel like a badass artist because happy earth girl isn’t here right now. 

Green tea for breakfast. I’ve been good at making tea. Trust me I know. Tea is not breakfast. But eating is fucking hard at the moment. I’m honestly not about to force myself to eat when I’m not hungry. I am stressed enough, I am in enough pain, I do not need to deal with that too. It’s only been 3 days so I doubt it’s a big deal. I think my ass might’ve gotten flatter but that could just be the fact that I’ve got no reason to pop it out and take a pic. 

I went to Ryder and worked on my essay and blessed Mia looked over it for me. 

Intro to theatre. Womens. Projector still not working. I have like,,, my own questions about abortion. And they’re totally not askable in that classroom setting. Ugh. 

Hour and 20 minutes to crank out my poetry critiques before class. Made the tragic mistake of opening instagram while I peed and saw the movie was out. The star wars movie that Daniel sent to me on thursday when it was unfinished. On Thursday. Thursday Thursday Thursday. 

Cranked out poetry critiques with tear streaked face as one does, finished with a half hour. Watched the movie. Cried cause I couldn’t talk to Daniel about it. Cried cause he didn’t text me saying IT’S OUT. GO LOOK. Didn’t tag me. Not cause he’s a jerk but because the rules are different now. 

It’s ironic that I now have this TIME that I can use to Focus on Myself, when that time is just spent Wishing I could talk to him. Thinking of him.

Poetry. 

Nothing Gold Can Stay by Robert Frost meant nothing to me last Wednesday. Today it made me cry on my yellow legal pad in the very front of the classroom with my head down. “You’d like things to last. You’d like people to stay. But they don’t.”

I read my poem. Even though I’ve edited it since and not reprinted. But that’s okay. People had interesting feedback but I didn’t really care. I thought it would make me cry but it didn’t. Thinking of Daniel waiting for me at the airport... yeah that would. But I just let it be a bad poem. They got it for the most part. They had things to say. 

I left poetry and came home. I cried. I called mom. 

I fell asleep for an hour.

I went upstairs and talked to Mia while she got ready for her frat thing. (I went upstairs and got immediately in her bed for warmth while she got ready)

Back downstairs. I texted Daniel when I was thinking of coming home. I told him I loved the movie. I told him it made me cry. That everything makes me cry. He said everything makes him cry. Everything. I told him I was here. I told him I felt like I’d been hit by a train. He said two trains. I’m grateful that I still get to tell him I love him. I love him. I love him. 

Do I have to wait until I’m 24 and I can say okay lets move somewhere let’s rent an apartment and get married do I have to wait or can I just check off my list can I just figure out my shit and then go back to him

Am I allowed to be thinking about when I get to go back to him? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose. If subconsciously my plans are informed by what might be the path which brings us closer together? Fuck everything honestly. I feel like this is for nothing. I actually feel like this might hurt me. Because if I could figure out what I was gonna do what I wanted to do, which I was already starting to do, on my own, but while dating Daniel, then I would know I have him and if it doesn’t work out it doesn’t. But I wouldn't’ know that I Might get him back and that every move I make might determine whether or not that’s true. Or how soon that is. My brain and my heart hurt. Everything hurts.  

I got up and packed up and went to Ryder so I could play the piano from 8:30-9. I played and sang to make you feel my love. I might wanna touch up a piano piece for Saturday. My sight reading no longer exists if it ever did... 

I went to the library. Got overwhelmed by my essay. Just fuckin did it. It was bad. Turned it in. We’ll see how it goes. I can beg for extra credit later. I’m not gonna dwell on how I feel about my potential grade in WMNS. Whatever. 

Sat in the room with friends and listened to a combo of miss you like hell and chopin nocturnes. 

I left at like 12:15? 

I walked partway home with Riana who asked me about how my poem went today. She’s a good friend. 

I decided I don’t have a shower in me tonight. I have my meeting with Jesse tomorrow morning at 8:45 and we’ll see how that goes. I have my questions and thoughts all written down but I’m such a mess. We’ll see. 

I’m gonna go to sleep now after I drink my mug of water. 

[athleisure-aesthetic]

I did the thing again 💁🏽 I'll attempt to keep it brief. We know how much I struggle with that tho...

April 21 Friday was my first trip to bikram yoga, and I was very very nervous. I had never been to bikram yoga, and it would have been only my second official yoga class ever. The other class I had taken was with a friend at the studio near our school, and it was just a regular hot vinyasa class. That instructor made me feel very welcomed and very capable, and it was a way smaller class, so she actually came over and helped me with my poses. All I knew was that bikram was hotter than the regular hot class, it had a series of 26 poses that you cycled through, and that you sweat out like your whole body weight over the 75 minutes. Sweet.

Showed up like 3 minutes before (in shorts, btw, #nsv for me), and the room was packed, mostly full of people in shavasana. I had to squeeze in a spot by the heater (kill me) and it seemed to me like the class was 85% regulars. I would soon learn that my instinct was hella correct. We were asked who was new, and out of like literally 35-40 people, I was the only one. Thought that meant she could help me. Nope. We went through the breathing exercise and went off into the poses after a few minutes. I had already begun to feel a little lightheaded, but my fear of looking dumb focused me. I looked up and noticed my instructor didn't even do single pose. How am I supposed to know what to do, or the proper form?? She would talk, walk around, and actually scroll through her phone... like I know it's 5:30 on a Friday but you signed up for this shit. You don't get to do that. She also made a lot of inside jokes with the regulars, some whom I later believed to be other instructors, and like did not encourage modification. She was like I know you can push further, so do it. Like HOMIE that is not what you're supposed to do, especially if you're new!! She was very serious about no talking or making noise, so she only came over to the guy next to me who kept cursing when his grip would slip to help him modify.

Things I found out: A, you need like a legit swimming towel or actual full size yoga towel for this kind of yoga because I felt like I was drowning in sweat. I had to wring out my shirt and shorts when I left. B, you're pretty much on your own at this studio, even if it says "all levels." They were not helpful for new people. C, it's a great detox, if you can get past the fact that you may not be able to hold any of your poses because your body is so slick from sweat. My forearms ended up being sore for the next two days because of how much I was straining to hold onto my poses. D, you should not be alarmed by how much it sounds like snakes are in the room whenever you do an open-mouth exhale. I was for a lot of the class, and it was SO distracting because I thought it was funny. Some people go really hard. And I mean REALLY hard with the breathing.

I think the only reason I would go back would be to go with a friend, and definitely another instructor. Sorry, Robyn. I want a chick who gives a shit about my class. She did end on a funny song, though. +1 for you.

Spent the rest of the evening being productive, doing laundry and cleaning my room. It was a glorious Friday night.

Listening to: "I Want It That Way" by Backstreet Boys

April 22 It was supposed to rain all day Saturday, and I was anxious bc I had another long run. I really wanted to meet up with CFG again, though, so I forced myself out of bed, put on a hat and jacket, and hoped for the best. When I got to Dilworth, I coudln't find the group anywhere, and I waited until the last possible second, but decided the weather must've detered most people, or they left already, so I set out on my own. This 6.5 miles sucked so much more than last week's great 7 mile run. Maybe it was the weather or fatigue, but I just was not feeling the groove. I stopped for a hot second on Kelly Drive to breathe and to check out some of the statues and stuff. In hindsight, those pictures are very uneventful. At my halfway point, it started raining and I was like ughhhhhhh well at least I had that hat. This run felt so much harder than my last long run, and I wonder if it's just because my body's like YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT. At the last mile, though, I had a great few songs push me through, including Guns and Ships from Hamilton and What Do U Mean (I'm a sucker for Bieber). I finished around city hall, where there was an Earth Day protest going on. It's kinda cool that every weekend there are a lot of people around my city screaming about how much 45 sucks.

Later I got Snap pizza with friends and did not feel guilty about it whatsoever.

6.51 mi 10'17" min / mi

Listening to: "See You Again" by Miley Cyrus

April 23 Sunday was so much nicer out than Saturday, which was an excellent motivator to get me to FlyWheel. This was my second spin class, and first at FlyWheel. First impressions were amazing: you walk down the steps into like this pit, where they give you cycling shoes and there's a shop (I wanted everything even though I knew I wouldn't become an avid spinner bc $$, BUT EVERYTHING WAS SO CUTE). Then you find your bike in "the stadium" and wait until the staff is finished cleaning the bikes and putting out fresh towels to hop on. I got help from one of the staff, and thankfully this bike felt more comfortable than my first ride. Looking down, I saw these two pole things on the side of my bike, and a cool electronic torq tracker. I loved that you could opt into the torq board beforehand so you wouldn't be stressed about putting it in day-of. Suddenly, the lights went off and we were off. My instructor was super motivating and friendly, pushing us through a series of hills and sprints. I was happy that I had taken a spin class before, though, because I knew the positions when the she called them out. I admittedly signed up for her class specifically because on her profile she said she sang a cappella in her free time, so I was hoping she'd either A, have a great playlist, and / or B, sing throughout some of the songs lol. She started us out of "Wop" which I hadn't heard in like 6 years, so I was happy about that. On the penultimate song, she had us grab the bars next to our bikes and do an arms workout, which was surprisingly tough to focus on both the legs and arms at the same time. At the end I felt really good, definitely exhausted, but like I could go back the next day for sure. Absolutely one of my favorite workout classes I've ever taken. I see why people catch the bug now.

After class, I hung out at TJU for a bit before showering and going to Rittenhouse to hang out in the park. Since it was World Book Day, I bought both You Are a Badass (which is definitely going to change my life, if not give me some awesome quotes to live by) and Bossypants. I was feeling the energy. I was also thankful I brought my journal to the park, bc this one guy came up to me randomly and started hitting on me for like 10 minutes and I clearly did not want him there, so I wrote a whole bunch of pages about the entitlement of men and how some people must give off "please bother me" vibes. Overall great day, though, because I was happy I was getting back into writing.

Listening to: "Scream & Shout" by will.i.am. & Britney Spears

Also worked out yesterday, but I don't feel like writing about that rn. It was uneventful, other than my Nike Run Club app being annoying and not properly recording my treadmill tempo run. What's new. Today I'm giving myself my first full day off from working out in what feels like 2 months, so I'm very excited to not do anything. Also had a free bagel this morning because my work was giving them out. BLESSSSSSSS.

[founditinsilence]

All the numbers if you're down >:)

i can’t believe you asked this and i also can’t believe i actually did it

i got rid of some of the sex/relationship/drugs ones i have nothing to say for and some of the boring ones (eg i can’t imagine anyone caring about my shoe size??)

(i hope someone reads to make it worth all that typing haha)

1: namealice

2: age19

3: fearsmy family dying and fire

4: 3 things I lovethe colour yellow, the sea, when people say ‘sweet dreams’5: 4 turn onsnice smile, making me laugh, good taste in clothes, intelligence

6: 4 turn offsarrogance, stubbornness, being racist/homophobic/ generally bigoted, smoking tbh.

7: my best friendi love her so much. we’ve known each other since we were 4 or 5 but we grew together as two separate friendship groups showed their true colours. she’s naive and doesn’t understand sarcasm and has the nicest smile and is the most selfless person to ever exist outside of a disney cartoon. we’ve been through some really shitty times together and not once have i spoken to her without her making me laugh or smile.

8: sexual orientationso bi

9: my best first datethe only date i’ve ever been on i realised was a date half way through so i’m not really the best person to ask

11: what/ who do i miss?home

12: what time was i bornhalf 11 at night

13: favourite colouryellow

14: do i have a crushkind of

15: favourite quote“every human life is worth the same, and worth saving”

16: favourite placewhen you’re walking towards the sea and the blue appears over the horizon

17: favourite foodpizza

18: do i use sarcasmnot much

19: what am i listening to right nowmy ‘world’ playlist on spotify, it’s supposed to mean i can’t get distracted by the lyrics while i’m doing revision but it’s actually just meant that i spent the last 10 minutes dancing round my room to despacito

21: shoe size6

22: eye colourbrown

23: hair colourbrown. i’m about to dye it lighter

24: favourite style of clothingi want to dress like the cast of skam; long coats, jumpers, beanies, bright lipstick. my actual style is more like ‘yes this is the identical striped top i was wearing yesterday but i swear i wash them i just ordered 5 in the sale at forever 21′

25: ever done a prank callme and my friend prank called 999 when we were about 6. it ended up as our voicemail message.

27: meaning behind my urlif i was a witch i’d be interning at flourish and blotts as we speak

28: favourite moviepride! is the one i rewatch the most. i do love to wack hairspray on though when i fancy a bit of a dance

29: favourite songat the minute probably no other way by jack johnson. it’s always calmed me down from being a little girl, my mum would put the cassette in and i’d lay my head on her lap in the back of the car when we went on long drives

31: how i feel right now?like i should be sleeping

32: someone i lovemy friends

33: current relationship statussingle

34: my relationship with my parentsgood. it used to be Awful with my dad but we’re so much closer after he went through cancer and a whole load of other shit happened to the fam

35: favourite holidaychristmas

36: tattoos and piercings i havejust my earlobes pierced!

37: tattoos and piercings i wantthere’s a pinterest board for that

38: the reason i joined tumblra girl from school i thought was super Cool shared stuff from hers on facebook and i found it funny

43: how long does it take me to get ready in the morningabout an hour if i’m making a proper breakfast, packed lunch and doing make up and my hair

44: have you shaved your legs in the past three daysno

45: if i’m drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of menever happened, but one of my flatmates. they’d find it hilarious

47: do i like my music loud or at a reasonable levelloud if i’m home alone, otherwise quiet

48: do i live with my mum and dadwhen i’m not at uni, yes

49: am i excited for anythingfinishing my exams and going home for my birthday, seeing my best friend, and coming back up to uni to celebrate with everyone!

51: how often do i wear a fake smilea lot

52: when was the last time i hugged someonethis morning when i met up with my friend

54: is there anyone i trust even though i shouldn’tidk, i think 

55: what is something i disliked about todayi was the third wheel with two of my flatmates who are better friends

56: if i could meet anyone on this earth, who would it bemy “soulmate” or whatever you’d call it idk just someone i can read in bed with and maybe buy a cat

57: what do i think about mostif something really bad or really good has happened recently i tend to obsess about it for days

58: what’s my strangest talenti’ve always been the person people in class have asked to do their bubble writing for them

59: do i have any strange phobiasi’m a little afraid of birds tbh. like not a full on phobia but i like them as much as spiders

61: what was the last lie i toldconstantly pretending i’ve done more revision than i actually have so people don’t judge me

62: do i prefer talking on the phone or video chattingboth are traumatic experiences but phone calls

63: do i believe in ghosts or aliensyes aliens (as in life on other planets not green ppl) and i believe noah czerny can do anything he sets his mind to if that counts

64: do i believe in magici rly like that post where it’s like, maybe we all have little super powers we just don’t realise are magical, like someone who always catches their toast when they drop it and someone who’s never broken a bone. i believe in little magic like that

65: do i believe in luckyes

66: what’s the weather like right nowit’s stopped raining for the first time all day

67: what was the last book i readfar from you by tess sharpe

69: do i have any nicknamesmy dad calls me dodger. i think it’s because of how many jammy dodgers i had as a kid but i’m not sure

71: do i spend money or save itsave, then have the occasional shopping spree

73: is there anything pink within 10ft of meyes so many things i love pink, my mirror and candles and towels are pink and i have a few pink clothes

74: favourite animalbeluga whales. i also love hedgehogs and bears

75: what was i doing last night at 12ami think i was watching crazy ex girlfriend?? but i’ll be honest the past few nights have kind of blurred together

76: who do i think satan’s last name isthis is so random and after studying paradise lost i should be able to come up with an intellectual answer but i really can’t

77: what’s a song that always makes me happyshut up and dance by walk the moon

78: how can you win my heartjust be genuinely nice and smiley

79: what would i want written on my tombstonei don’t think i want a tombstone!! they’re really sad and i definitely don’t want to be buried

81: my top 5 blogs on tumblr@chronicintrovert​ , @siriuslyweasley​ , @lilieevans​ , @alrightpotter​ and @lilyvans​ are getting the most of my love apparently!! which makes sense bc they’re all fab

82: if the whole world were listening to me rn, what would i sayshhhhhhhhhhhh. sshhhhhhh.

83: do i have any relatives in jailummmm no close/ blood relatives no

84: what superpower would i choosemaybe healing

85: what would be a question i’d be afraid to tell the truth oni guess if you asked me to name/describe a crush or anything like that, i’m a bit iffy about sharing really personal stuff now

86: what’s my current desktop picturea generic one of a tent under the stars

95: have i ever left the house without my walletyes i did it too many times at school it was a nightmare

96: bulled someone on the internet?no never!

98: played on a sports team?nope i tried to avoid playing sports at school as much as i could

103: am i vegetarian/veganvegetarian, although i can go a good few days without having any dairy

104: been overweight/ underweightno i don’t think so. my view of my own weight’s always been a bit skew whiff though so who knows

106: been to a weddingyes but only two, my cousin’s and my aunty’s

107: been on the computer for 5 hours straightthat was basically my life every day after school

108: watched tv for 5 hours straighti always have friends reruns on in the background for hours

109: been outside my countryyes! i’ve only left europe once though

114: been to promyes, twice

115: been in an aeroplane/ helicopter/ ambulanceyes, no and no

117: what concerts have i been tobruno mars, luke friend, and a few festivals. my mum used to take me to the x factor tours when i was younger

118: had a crush on someone of the same sexhooooo boy. oh boy. yes

119: learned another languagei did french and spanish up until a level. i learnt a bit of sign language but i’ve forgotten it all now!

123: dyed my hairi literally did it for the first time ever today! it’s not a proper dye, just a lightening gel to get a bit of an ombre 

124: voted in an electioni voted remain in brexit and i’ll be voting again this time

126: had surgeryyes, i had to get an extra tooth removed before i could have braces

127: met someone famousi was once in manchester and bumped into the cast of coronation street, eastenders, hollyoaks and emmerdale on their way to an awards show it was wild

128: stalked someone on a social networkobviously

129: peed outsideyes sometimes that’s been the better option when we’ve pulled in at grim service stations lol

131: helped with charityyes! my best friend is super into charity work and i’ve helped out at a few of her fundraisers and stuff. i don’t have any regular donations set up but i give when i can

132: been rejected by a crushno i never give them the chance, everyone always knows who i’m crushing on because i’m So Obvious about it but i never actually say anything to the person

134: what do i want for my birthdayit’s coming up soon actually! i’ve asked for some earrings and some money towards getting prescription sunglasses so i can see on holiday

135: how many kids do i want and what will their names bei like the names ellie and jacob and i think i want two! but i might want none or one who knows. i don’t really like to think about the future with a massive Plan™ because anything can happen and i don’t wanna be disappointed

136: was i named after anyonenope! my mum just liked the name

137: do i like my handwritingwhen i put effort into it, yes. it’s really scruffy at the minute though, i’m just trying to get through notes as quickly as i can!

138: what was my favourite toy as a childi always loved stuff like dolls houses and books that opened up into a house that you could put paper furniture and people in

139: favourite tv showright now i’m loving this is us, jane the virgin, crazy ex-girlfriend and brooklyn nine nine. they’re just (bar this is us Every Single episode of that show has left me a crying mess) happy and cheerful and feminist and lovely and have saved me from exam season god bless

141: play a musical instrumenti learnt keyboard all through primary school but i tried to pick it back up recently and i could barely manage hot cross buns

142: one of my scars, how did i get iti went on my french exchange friend’s scooter and didn’t realise i didn’t know how to stop til i was half way down her (very steep) drive. (i was 16). i fell over the handle bars and still have the scars on my elbows and shins.

143: favourite pizza toppingveg and hella cheese

144: am i afraid of the darkVery atm because one of my flatmates likes to scare people when they leave their rooms at night

145: am i afraid of heightsno, i’m actually really good with heights! 

146: have i ever got caught sneaking outno, when i was about 6 i very proudly announced that i was leaving home. i think i got to the end of the drive

147: have i ever tried my hardest then been disappointed in the endi put the most effort into my art gcse project then ended up getting the worst grade in it of all my subjects. still bitter

148: what i’m really bad attalking about myself!!! (believe it or not 150 questions later)

149: my greatest achievementeveryone who knew me before uni is really amazed when they meet me again because i’m So much more confident and happy speaking to people

if you’re still reading omg well done thanks for sticking with me hope at least some of it was vaguely interesting x

[whiskynottea]

An Interruption in the 1st Law of Thermodynamics.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15, Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20, Chapter 21, Chapter 22, Chapter 23, Chapter 24, Chapter 25, Chapter 26, Chapter 27,  Chapter 28, Chapter 29, Chapter 30, Chapter 31, Chapter 32, Chapter 33, Chapter 34, Chapter 35,  Chapter 36, Chapter 37, Chapter 38, Chapter 39, Chapter 40, Chapter 41, Chapter 42, Chapter 43, Chapter 44

AO3

@theministerskat , thank you so much for your beta!

Chapter 45. Decisions

Jamie accepted the offer from Michigan. We had written the email together - simple, polite, formal. The email that would change the course our lives.

“Will ye help me with the SATs too?” he had asked, turning in his chair to look at me the moment we were finished composing the email. “I canna do it without ye, Sassenach.”

“Of course I will,” I assured him, wrapping my hands around his neck and pulling him closer to kiss the tip of his nose. “What would you do without me, I wonder.”

“I don’t mean to find out,” he said, and my breath caught in my throat.

I didn’t answer, only smiled and kissed him again, hoping he would never have to find out. No matter the distance between us, we would always be together. 

Since that moment, I kept catching myself watching Jamie for long, lingering moments, trying to memorize every little detail of him. 

How the hands he casually dipped in his pockets while talking to Brian sought mine when I was close until our fingers interlaced, inseparable.

How his eyes creased into two narrow slits when the sun hit his face, and the smile in his voice when he called me to him.

How he said babe, Sassenach, Claire. How these words changed when he whispered them into my mouth, his breath filling my lungs.

You’re going to talk to him and see him even when he’s away. You’ll FaceTime. Get your shit together.

And yet, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself everything was normal, every time my gaze fell on him it was impossible to not think about how much I would miss him.

Every time Jamie was near, our bodies gravitated towards each other desperate for touch; magnets unable to resist the electrical currents between them. 

It takes force to pull two magnets apart. Force and strength I didn’t know if I possessed. 

Jenny and Ian came back from their trip with matching smiles that revealed truths they wished to keep secret forever. Jenny talked to me about the breathtaking views, the adorable puffins, the beautiful seals and dolphins, but most of all, she talked about Ian. Sweet, strong, dependable Ian. Her Ian. She was over the moon for him and it cheered me up to tease the composed Jenny Fraser who all of a sudden acted giddy, like a little girl. It was a welcome distraction during the hours Jamie spent at the distillery with his father, and Jenny’s smile transferred a bit of her happiness to me. 

At night, confined in the safety of my room after finishing dinner and helping Jamie prepare for his SATs, I googled universities in Michigan. It would be easier that way, if I were to follow him. My heart would remain whole, solid.

Michigan was good. The universities were great. Jamie and I would be together. And yet, it felt so wrong. It felt like I was betraying myself. 

Oxford University had always been my dream. There, in UK’s oldest university, amongst old buildings with neoclassical architecture and impressive libraries, I would become a doctor. 

The idea of going to the US had never crossed my mind, before. And even if I were accepted, Joe had told me how difficult it was to get a scholarship. I would end up with a loan and huge debt I would have to pay off for years to come. On top of that, Jamie had never asked me - he knew me well enough to know Oxford was the only place for me. But that didn’t mean I wouldn’t think about the possibility.

“Claire,” Jenny’s voice was quiet but rang strong in my ears. We were sitting in the library with our tea cups in hand, having just finished cleaning the house when I decided to tell her that I didn’t want to follow Jamie to Michigan. “It’s the right thing to do,” she said with certainty.

“I really don’t know what’s right anymore.” My voice faded out and a sigh followed my words. 

“You need to do what’s right for you. You’re eighteen years old, Claire! You have to focus on yourself. And if your relationship with my brother is meant to last forever, you will make it through the hardships.”

Down to earth Jenny. With a hint of optimism and a belief in fate I had never seen in her before.

“I’m thinking, sometimes…” I rubbed my eyes, wanting to keep the tears hidden. “If all this was a movie, what would I do? Wouldn’t I follow him? Do everything to be with him?”

“Depends on the movie,” Jenny said and chuckled. “If you were a Hollywood movie, yes. If you were a European one, though, you would most probably break up with him and leave Lallybroch with a smile, ready to travel the world. Or go volunteer somewhere. Or something like this.”

“Well, I’m still here,” I whispered, pulling my legs closer to my body.

“Ye are, Claire. And ye support him, that’s what’s important.” Jenny scooted closer to me, set her cup on the table and took my hands in hers. “I really hope my brother will support you, too. If there is any brain left in his heid from loving you.”

“So, you say Oxford,” I half-asked for the millionth time.

“Aye. I say Oxford. I say Claire first.”

“And if we can’t keep what we have? With the distance? It’s a whole other continent.” My voice trembled with the thought, and the tears I forcefully kept down rose, forming a lump in my throat, threatening to choke me.

“If ye can’t stay together… Ye just won’t.” Jenny saw my raised eyebrows and hastened to continue. “I mean, there is not only one ideal person for each one of us, Claire. Ye could be happy with someone else, too.”

Optimistic Jenny my arse.

“I can’t,” I raised my voice in despair. 

Jenny laughed. “Ye see, the good thing wi’ the two of you is that ye are both so pigheaded. And ye both want to make it work. So, since ye both see the same future for this relationship, I am sure ye’ll be alright. I told that to Jamie too, ken. That there are no soulmates. D’ye want to know what he said to me?”

“What?” I asked, and my heart drummed in my chest, demanding an answer as soon as possible.

“He said that even if there are no soulmates, ye are his. And that he’ll not let ye go from his life, no matter what. He can be dramatic at times, don’t ye think?” she asked, and my laughter hurried out, clear and loud through the tears. “But ye see the point, right?” she continued with a smile and I nodded, my heart quiet again. “Ye want the same thing, Claire. Ye believe in each other and in what you are together, and I think that’s more important than soulmates.”

“We do,” I agreed and smiled back at her. “We do.”

Jenny opened her arms and hugged me tightly. Tears rolled down my cheeks on her t-shirt, as she held me, allowing me to see further than fears and insecurities. 

“Thank you, Jenny.” I said at last, brushing tears off my eyes.

“Always,” she said, holding my hands tight. “I love ye, Claire. My brother loves ye, too. Dinna be afraid.”

–

I woke up in the morning with a message on my phone. 

Scot: Breakfast at our spot, Sassenach. Don’t be late.

“Our spot,” I murmured, but my lips curled up in a glorious smile. 

My sweet Scot.

With a summer dress on and a quick good morning to Brian and Jenny, I headed to the hill behind the house.

Our spot.

The day was beautiful, the sun already up and on its journey towards the west. The same direction Jamie would go. 

Oh please, Claire. He’s still here.

Jamie was sitting on a red and black plaid set upon the grass, a thermos of coffee waiting for me. My gaze fell on the mini apple pies that looked suspiciously similar to the ones I had found on a website with recipes a few days ago, and I shook my head, smiling.

God, he always makes me smile.

“You made the pies?” I asked, finding hard to believe in my own eyes considering how early he would have had to be up to have them ready by ten in the morning.

“I did.” Two blue eyes locked with mine and I heard the unspoken words suspended between us. I would do everything for you.

“Will we join me, Sassenach?” he asked instead, gesturing towards the empty side of the plaid.

“Since you have coffee and food… You do know how to keep me close, don’t you?” I plopped myself down next to him, excited and absolutely graceless. 

Jamie wrapped a hand around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “Ye’re too far away,” he murmured while doing so, and crushed me against his ribs. “Much better now.” His voice was soft, his breath brushing against my skin.

“Good morning, Jamie.” I tilted my head just so, and his lips were on mine. I kissed him and he kissed me back, as if weeks had passed without seeing each other.

“Good morning, wee vixen,” he said when I bit his bottom lips and freed my lips from his.

“Vixen, am I?”

“Aye, my wee vixen.” He rested his forehead against mine, as the words slipped from his mouth. We breathed in sync, smelling the summer around us, the love within us. When we started kissing again, Jamie leaned into me, lowering my body to the ground until my back hit the plaid. “I missed you.”

“I missed you, too,” I whispered, brushing red curls off his forehead. All the shades of red were dancing among his locks; maroon and cinnabar, crimson and carmine. The sun and the shadows fighting for dominance. I took a deep breath, and the spices of his skin invaded my nostrils, intoxicating. He was summer, and spring, and a fresh autumn breeze.

How would I live without him for so long?

Shut up, Claire.

I kissed him hard, and then even harder. He kissed me back, and in less than a minute his jeans and boxers were off, a heap next to the trunk of the tree that covered our bodies with leafy shadows. Their shapes changed as we ran our hands over each other, distorting nature’s perfection only to create shadows of leaves and branches formed by two bodies. Half a leaf on him, half on me. Whole, together.

“Jamie.” I stopped him when I realized if someone walked up the hill they would see us. “Stop.”

“No,” he whispered, and it was more like a plead than a negation. “Why?” 

“What if someone comes this way?”

“No one will come here, Sassenach.” His lips were hot on my neck. “Trust me?”

I did.

Jamie pulled my dress up, pushed my panties aside and entered me in a swift move, setting the gasps caged in our chests free. With each thrust, I dissolved into him. It was need, pure need that connected us. The need to feel, to grasp, to root the other to ourselves. To prove that we are strong, unbreakable. Jamie whispered in my ear words that formed no sentence, words that made no sense and yet my heart knew them all, each and every one of them. 

Only you, mo chridhe, I need ye, mine, I want ye, now, mo ghraidh, forever.

I felt him trying to control himself, waiting for me, and we reached our peak together, throbbing against each other, two bodies bursting and becoming one with a silent vow to eternity.

He fell atop me, his breathing shallow and fast. I kissed the sweat on his lips, searching in those eyes I loved so much and finding nothing there but the truth. 

“I promise,” he said, and the moment I heard him I started crying, unable to control myself. Drown in my own feelings. 

“Claire,” he said, alarmed, now his eyes that were searching mine. “Hey, babe… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head in negation and bit my bottom lip hard, wishing the tears to disappear.

Too late.

Jamie got dressed quickly and gathered me in his arms. “Talk to me, Claire. We can fix it all, but please, talk to me.”

A long minute passed before I could calm my breaths and gather my courage.

“I’m sorry,” I said at last, turning in his arms to look at him. “I’m sorry I won’t follow you to Michigan.”

Jamie’s eyebrows shot almost to the middle of his forehead. “What? What are ye talking about, Claire? I never asked ye to come wi’ me!”

“I know,” I nodded. “You never did and I never volunteered, but I can’t stop thinking about it since you told me the news.”

“Claire,” he said, cupping my face with a warm palm, his fingers obstacles to my tears. “I dinna want ye to come.”

It was my time to look at him with eyebrows that formed two perfect arches above my eyes. “What do you mean?” I asked, ready to lash out at him.

“No, not what ye’re thinking!” His eyes got wide and I felt him tense, indignation making the muscles of his body rigid. “I can’t imagine something better than being at Michigan with ye. Truly. That would be a dream.”

“So?” I asked, crossing my arms in front of my chest.

“That would be my dream.” A smile caressed his face before it was hidden again, like the sun rays dancing behind the leaves above us. “Ye took my decision for me, and now I’m taking yours. I want ye to go to Oxford. I want ye to follow yer plan.” His lips were warm against my forehead, and I felt his kiss easing my soul. “Ye deserve this, mo chridhe. Ye worked hard for it and I won’t take it away from ye. I would never do that.”

I didn’t know what to say. Jamie took a deep breath, moving his fingers through my curls. “I love ye, Claire,” he said, his voice filling the air between us, forcing their way in my heart. “And I trust in us.”

“I trust in us, too.” My words reverberated through my body, settling like feathers on every inch of my existence.

Jamie crushed me to him and I closed my eyes, listening to the words he had said before, now creating a perfect stream of sentences. “Ye’re everything to me, mo chridhe. I need ye, I want ye, I love ye. Only you, mo ghraidh. Ye’re mine, now and forever. I promise, Claire.”

“Now and forever,” I echoed him. 

We stayed locked in that embrace for a moment that would last forever, imprinted in our minds, in our beating hearts. I finally felt serene after days filled with uncertainty and inadequacy, doubting about our future.

A while later I disentangled myself from him and gave him my cheekiest smile. “Now I have to try these pies, right? To see if you’re worth all the heartbreak of a long-distance relationship.”

“Aye,” Jamie laughed, and his slanted eyes shone in the daylight. “We dinna want ye to be trapped in a bad deal.”

“Indeed we don’t,” I said, reaching for a pie, but not before capturing the soft skin of his neck between my teeth.

The vixen had to be fed.

Chapter 46

[lordkuroo]

To Me

Chapter : One

Rated : M for profanities and mature scenes on upcoming chapters.

“Jee! Come on. Let’s play!” a little girl shouted at a boy.

“Riko, stop running! I can’t keep up..Mother said not to get hurt.” the boy supposedly named Jee,panted. Man…. Riko sure can run….

“Jee, hurry up!You call yourself a boy yet you’re much slower than I am!” the girl,Riko teased in an attempt to provoke him.

“Riko! No! Look behind you-“

I was suddenly jarred awake by the honk of a vehicle right outside my flat. 7.09a.m… I guess it’s a signal to get ready for work.I sighed, not because I hated my job but it was the same dream reoccurring every night yet I have no clue what it actually meant or indicated.

I shoved my train of thoughts and decided to take a hot bath. It was the middle of spring and the weather was still pretty chilly in the morning.My muscles were tense and stiff from my bad sleeping habits.I looked in the mirror, my nose was slightly swollen and red from all the excessive sneezing that was caused by the pollen.Eyelids uneven.Lips looked pretty normal except that it was chapped.I scowled at my reflection. Who was I trying to look good for anyway? The security guard at the entrance of the office with the crooked teeth? I slapped both of my cheeks to wake myself.Rinse my mouth with some strong mouthwash until my eyes watered from the burning sensation in my mouth.

My name was Mariko,meaning jasmine child. Just Mariko,no first name. People call me Riko because that’s how they address me in the orphanage. Yes,I was an orphan.Unlike some lucky orphans who remembers their family members or by chance, got adopted…I was an exception. I don’t remember my family nor was I adopted.I was brought to the orphanage at the age of 10 without a trace of my name or where I came from. I was only wearing a bracelet with what was believed to be my name, Mariko. The orphanage,Nightingale was where I grew up.I spent my childhood there, making friends, learning new things….at least that was what I considered a ‘childhood’. I don't remember anything, I was only told that I had been hospitalised for 2 years because I was in a coma. How did I end up there? I don’t know. My hospital bills? It was miraculously paid by some tycoon or something. My life was a mystery, no Sherlock could solve. At the age of 19,I got enrolled into Tokyo University and graduated with a degree, majoring in hospitality.I studied hard more than anyone. “You reap what you sow.” Nurse Yurima always reminded me. But here I was, on the verge of being squished by the crowd in the commuter. Peak hours… My subconscious rolled her eyes at me. I was rejected by all my job interviews except for one,K.T enterprise at Asakusa but as a mail girl. Better than nothing. I told myself. At least the pay was reasonable for a nine to five. I shrugged, earning weird stares from elementary school kids.

The office building was a fifteen minute walk away from the station.A zebra crossing and there you go, behold the luxurious K.T enterprise, ranked 3rd in the nation for it’s expensive and fancy interior. It was beautiful no doubt but the poor janitors had to clean the billion dollar chandelier hanging down from the lobby’s ceiling.Never forget the marble floors they have to polish, 45 floors altogether. Good gracious… K.T enterprise was a company that supplies electric cables to the whole nation or even worldwide.As if that wasn’t enough, the company decided to branch out into interior designing whilst promoting their cables. Oh that money… I sarcastically cooed at the back of my mind. Even though, I had been working for a period of 2 months here,I knew less to nothing of this company. Not that I didn’t care but I wasn’t the type to go bonkers over spicy gossips nor go the extra mile to make small talk with others.Besides,I’m always in that cramped room filled with files, documents of some sort and mails slash letters from clients.

“Good morning,Riko.” My workmate, Ai greeted me with the brightest smile. I loved her enthusiasm,I mean working as a mail girl ain’t a thing to look forward for and she always makes sure that I’m comfortable in that little ‘office’ of mine.I was somehow…grateful for her.Unlike other colleagues in the mail department,Ai wasn’t one to chitchat about the things going on in the office.She was plainly just…there…like me.Not that I hated it,I would rather stay in the dark and dust than to shine unnecessarily.

“Late by 5 minutes,Miss Mariko.” And I swear, the chief in charge of the mail department was a perfectionist.I grinned the best as I could manage. “Good morning, Mr.Ouiza.It was peak hours so the commuter was pretty cramped and I had to-“ He cut me off mid-sentence with a wave of his finger.So, I just stood there and allowed him to blabber away into my ears.

Nice.. I adjusted my cardigan as I scrambled to my seat into my ‘more like a storage room than an office’ room.I closed my eyes for a second to adjust to my surroundings.It was only 8 in the morning and the building was oozing with chatter and busy footsteps. I was not a morning person but I have to make a living. I sighed for the umpteenth time.When I was still living in the orphanage,I constantly reminded myself to not burden anyone working there,I came unannounced and I wished to leave, not having to depend on anyone. That’s how I ended up paying my expensive rent for my flat, barely having enough food to live on a daily basis.But I promised myself that it gets better. Or so I thought…

“Riko..Do you mind sending these to the repair department?” Ai knocked on the door and I couldn’t say no to her.

I finished my duties as fast I could to avoid conversations with others. I was a born introvert, not that I’m shy but I just don’t like how other ppl like prying into my personal space.It was rude to me but I knew it was just how they tend to appear friendly.

Ever since my orphan days, the others had been teasing me about how my hair was in a very odd shade of brown yet it wasn’t brown either. I used to weep about it a lot in the kitchen where I sat next to Nurse Yurima and sob.She would comfort me and tell me that was how God want us to be and it was something called individualism. But weird thing was she couldn’t answer me nor give me any advice whenever I asked if that was how God wanted me to be like…without parents nor a family. The best she could manage was a smile, that looked sympathetic and I hated it… Great that my hair was in an odd shade of brown, as I grew older in middle school, my height made me stood out more than ever. “Look at that giant walking poop!” My other schoolmates used to teased me.I was so used to it that I had stopped being conscious about it when I started high school.

The elevator doors were just about to close when I reached a hand out to press the ‘down’ button. I was usually lucky when the elevators are empty and I didn’t have to be stuck in the small secluded metal box with a few other people in it.It was probably one of the most horrible things on earth for me, second to encountering cockroaches in the toilet, a horrendous silence in the elevator with complete strangers. And twas’ the day that I’m unlucky again, but this time, it was worst because two intimidating huge men were in it. I had to go in whether I like it or not.One of the huge beasts were holding the doors open for me and it would be rude to just say ‘no’. My subconscious was tense and so was I.

“Which floor?” a deep voice asked.I looked up at the nearly 6 feet 5’ man, wearing a……beanie. Instead of answering,I swiftly pressed the 25th floor. oh man….a dreadful 10 floors…Why did they locate the repair department at the 35th floor? I gulped involuntarily loud causing the deep voiced beanie guy to glance at me. I looked down and glanced sideways through the gaps of my hair at the other guy, though he doesn’t seem to care which made me slightly relieved,I guess. I silently prayed that the elevator would just be quicker but unfortunately, it stopped at the 30th floor and in came a girl.

“Good morning Wakatoshi-kun. Oh, and Mr.President.” the girl said. President? I was in the most miserable state.I was reminded to bow deeply when I encounter the president of the company by my department chief but being the ignorant human being I was,I didn’t even bother finding out who it was initially and now I’m stuck in the elevator with two huge beasts which I had yet to know who was the actual president.Was it the beanie one or the other lad?And who was this oddly young girl with a strange strong aura? I felt like I was being compressed in an aerosol can.I tensed up even further and my shoulders are already feeling it.

“Oh, Wakatoshi-kun, looking good in a beanie today.” the girl said while grinning. Oh so deep voice was Wakatoshi… okay then the other one must be the…President… My train of thoughts was interrupted when I sensed someone staring intently at me,I glanced sideways and there he was, in all his suit and glory, the President was looking at me. I shrieked. Okay not good…Who knows if I’m thrown out of the building the next morning for not greeting him…

“What do you mean I look good in a beanie?Don’t I always look the same with or without a beanie? My face doesn’t really change according to the accessories I’m wearing.” the beanie guy, Wakatoshi replied. Talk about being tactless…this guy takes the cake. I rolled my eyes while gazing out to the other side to avoid any more intense staring.

“Wakatoshi forgot to style his hair this morning so he decided to hide under that beanie.” I jerked when undoubtedly, it was the President who spoke.His voice doesn’t seem as deep yet there was a hint of cockiness to it. Not that I had anything against it but it was weird. All I want is to get out of here,it’s suffocating!  

As if God heard my pleas, the elevator indicated the 25th floor and I ducked my head out of the elevator.I was released from living hell. What’s with elevators! If only the mail department was located on the 3rd floor just like my flat and the office building a little less than 10 floors,I wouldn’t mind walking up the stairs and slacking the elevators, people and small talks.I inwardly groaned.

“Riko, are you okay?” Of course,Ai would have noticed that I wasn’t in my usual state. I had a quick glance at the reflection on the windows of the office door, and hell, do I look dishevelled! I was slouching and my ears red from the sudden intimidation.

“Hey,say..has anyone ever got fired because they didn’t greet the President?And are middle schoolers allowed to work here?” I was blabbering away.Ai patted me on the shoulder and asked me to take things slow.

“I seriously don’t know what had happened to you while delivering the mails but would you like some chamomile tea?” she gave me a sheepish grin.

“Yeah well, okay and make it double please if it’s not too much of a hassle.” I placed my head on the table, absorbing the reality. Intimidating was an understatement to describe the two men just now, especially the President. He had a stare so intense, it’s almost nauseous. It doesn’t help that the lad has hair so black it accentuated his eyes and sharp features. Ai placed the tea on my table and even lit a lavender scented candle. Dear God, that’s enough for one day. Spare me please. But I had realised a long while back that God….ever since,I ended up in Nightingale, asking Him all sorts of questions about myself with no reply in return…He was never there to begin with…

;

“Good morning, Wakatoshi-kun. Oh and Mr.President.” Hitoka Yachi, the marketing department chief greeted us. Her ultimately high pitched voice bothers me, though she couldn't help it even if she wanted to.I admit she’s a capable woman despite her small frame and incredibly young face, don’t be deceived by looks.She’s someone who would not hesitate. I’m always amazed by her presentation and work, representing her team, it was always a pleasure working with her.

And so, I couldn’t help but notice the slightly off of a presence in the elevator.A new employee,I assumed.No tag, no badge..looks brand new.She wasn’t the gorgeous, jaw dropping kind of girl but I supposed she could fetch a decent young man. No make up, no scent of any fragrance…. Guess she wasn’t up for tempting others. Though I paid no extra attention to her,I could definitely sense the stiffness when Yachi mentioned that either me or Wakatoshi was ‘President’. Assuming that she was trying to guess who was the actual one,I glanced sideways just to checkout her reaction. Okay wait, I totally just stared at her, silently waiting for the effect I usually have on others. She was no exception of course. I’m pretty sure her higher-ups had talked about ‘The President firing people on a regular basis’ kind of topic but just to clarify,I was firing procrastinators who loves slacking and making too much out of the facilities provided while given nothing in return. Besides, it was only natural for me to do so ever since the company officially launched the interior designing firm, we were running pretty low on budget, only narrowly escaping bankruptcy. Business was all about the risk, it’s either you take it or leave it. But as long as you have the assets and ground, you are good to go.

The elevators doors opened and she literally ran out, not even glancing back.Even if she was practically slouching, I noticed that she was pretty tall, not an average height but it kind of suited her anyway. I shrugged as the doors closed.

It was the day that L.E electronics and I signed contracts to mark our first collaboration. ‘For a brighter future’ Now, that’s a lame project slogan but who cares, it’s profitable and keeps the money coming. My staff would be happy and so would I. I guess….

“Hey Kuroo, what’s with the smug expression you made in the elevator just now?” Wakatoshi asked. I looked at him and smirked.

“Didn’t you notice the tense atmosphere the girl in the elevator created when we were present? Don’t you find it amusing that we actually have that sort of effect on others?” I asked nonchalantly. Wakatoshi was usually slow-witted but working with him was definitely not a drag. He was my personal IT expert that I hired for emergency purposes like hacking or investigating. Well, pretty much most of the illegal computing shit are done by him so I had to pay him an extra lump. He does it cleanly and I appreciated it.

“I don’t really understand what you were saying but that girl was surely aware and conscious about our presence. I know no effects you just talked about.Maybe you should enlighten me.” I dismissed him and proceeded out of the lobby where the chauffeur was already waiting.

1.30p.m. - The press conference was finally done.I sighed into the car seat and Wakatoshi just stared out of the window. That’s Life by Frank Sinatra silently played in the background. That’s life….I tell you I can’t deny it…. Yeah, pretty much. The contracts signed, done. Money comes, and then what? I hate to admit but exactly what are my purposes of living? Sure,I have fun here and there, shag some women now and then with no strings attached. But really,I felt like something was always missing. Wakatoshi once said that I should start getting serious about certain stuff but when I asked him what exactly, he decided to just make me brainstorm.

I decided to spend some time in my office, just signing and reading through documents that needed my approval. It was already 4:45p.m. and I doubt any of my staff are up for extra work at this hour. I assumed that my secretary was still at her desk but to my dismay, she wasn’t. She even left a note saying,

“Mr.Kuroo, you have letters to collect at the mail department but unfortunately, my babysitter just called to inform that my child caught up with a bad case of flu. I had to go.I’m sorry for the inconvenience caused.” -Yukie

I sighed. Working moms… Can’t blame her, she had a family under her care. Then I guess I have to put my long legs into action and head down to the mail department. My office was located at the highest floor, typical I know, but the view doesn’t disappoint.

The elevators doors opened and yes, the 25th floor. It wrote the ‘Mail Department’, this was the place where international and local client mails were sorted into order.Small role but yet it was also a department that the company depended on the most or else, each department would have to sort their own mails themselves.So, my secretary did told me once that my personal letter and mails were always delivered to the chief’s office then only to mine so that it wouldn’t get jumbled among other mails. I strode into the darkly lit hallway of the department and headed straight into the chief’s office. And she was right, I saw my letters sprawled on the table.Not a lot but it was a handful.

I was about to leave when I heard music echoing throughout the hallway.That totally just piqued my interest. I silently walked towards the back of the hallway until I reached a brightly lit room. I guess some staff appreciate working hours more than others.. That room was small and it was stacked with documents and files, there was literally no space in that tiny molecule of a room.

She was glad about it…no doubt about it…She isn't sure where she's gone No time to think about what to tell them….No time to think about what she's done…And she was.. A girl was twisting and turning, arranging the documents into the shelves as the music blasted through a rather cheap and old looking speaker. Hmm… a passion for Talking Heads… not bad… I remembered this song,I used to play it during my school days. I was more of retro rock band music kind of person but not many people enjoyed my pick of music genre.Not many people knew of Talking Heads because their music was one of a kind.

I continued my inspection of this girl, she looks rather trashy. A white camisole and body fitting skirt that ends just right above her knees.Not really curvy but not too boney either.Just right,I guess. I’m assuming that she initially wore a cardigan since there was a purple one laying on the table.She tied her hair into a bun though some of the strands were falling out of its arrangements.I guess it was pretty stuffy in there, no air conditioner, just a ceiling fan, draped in dust.

Her back was facing me the whole time, i have yet to peer at her face and all I had was time anyway. This must be the place by Talking Heads started to play.Again, another one of their songs. This girl has some sense in music.. I raised my brows as she finally turned around.

It was Ms. All-tensed-up-in-the-elevator. What do you know, she could move those limbs too, very well. I smirked. My staffs are getting more and more interesting. Now that I took a closer look, damn it, she was quite a catch. Dancing to Talking Heads and all. She was odd alright but that’s definitely attractive. She was grabbing her cup and was ready to leave the room and I took that as my cue to leave. Show’s over..

I sunk into the plush furnitures of my office.I laughed inwardly at the memory of witnessing Ms.Rigid dancing in the cramped room. That was a sight. Not back after a long day of work.

A/N : Now that took long enough! 7 page fic..not bad as a start! Tadaa...the male character’s Kuroo! <33 ofc it had to be him. And Wakatoshi as an IT expert/intellectual...sweet af. I’m updating on Tuesdays,i guess..If i could manage...ofc .Thanks for sparing time, reading this.

[polinathinkstoomuch-blog]

Day 2/3 - Hallucinations & Realizations

I’m rehashing both days today because I had Tumblr issues (and some dedication to this issues), so I apologize in advance for the length, but you know what, I think the cumulative recap will actually help tie some things together so I'm not really that sorry about it you're welcome.

If you read Day 1, good news, I did resolve to hiking yesterday. Bad news, mistake. Still harboring some insecurities about going out there alone, I walked toward the hiking trail sign and then proceeded to out loud talk myself through it - like cute, bunnies! And where am I going, and I guess this is a trail if I follow the signs and then, completely causally, that’s a coyote. At which point I immediately booked it right back the way I came, looking behind me the entire time to make sure that a DESERT WOLF (spelling is very key here for maximum dramatic effect - a dessert wolf wouldn’t garner nearly as much concern) wasn’t following me. This makes the people I saw night hiking yesterday even crazier. A blind wild mountain pig is one thing - you can probably drop kick it out of your path - but I don’t know what kind of white privilege lets you fuck with coyotes in the dark. I don’t have it. The best part is that everyone else was so nonchalant about it - my mom advised me to just walk behind the other woman hiking; the barista the next day - upon hearing that I saw a coyote - laughed. Like that was the local coyote. Oh Tom, you trouble-maker, when will you learn - that sort of thing. Arizona makes you numb to face-eating wolves apparently.

Instead, I decided to hike the property which is miles upon miles of desert, cactus, prickly tress and walls of khaki and beige. I expected to have a lot of thoughts and emotions hiking, of having the earth unveil itself under your feet - and maybe if I was going up the mountain instead of horizontally - I would have, but I had no thoughts - until about 45 minutes in - at which point I started thinking how do people do 8 miles of this?!?! At two miles in I started hallucinating. Not in the way of seeing bunny rabbits everywhere - although there were rabbits everywhere this is apparently a luxury rabbit farm - but in the way of being completely devoid of anything. It may be the 98 degree heat that literally fogs everything around you to make it seem like time isn’t moving, but also, I think for me particularly, the fact that I’m in a desert. There is something about that land that makes me feel lost; like my car broke down in the middle of nowhere and I’m hiking to what I hope is the nearest gas station and not a the hills have eyes community. It was not for me. So I chose not to hike again during this trip, but instead have committed myself to doing something I surprisingly found way more enjoyable - tanning to music and swimming. 

Swimming the first day was interesting because it still brought up some solo guilt. The first time I went into the water it was just me on the right side of the pool, and I enjoyed it some much - more so than I expected since I truly detest the smell and feel of chlorinated water - what I don’t detest is the all over body chill when you glide through the water. When I wanted to go back in after baking in the sun, I noticed a couple in the water and had a moment where I didn’t want to disturb their space - be this object swimming in the parallel lane. That lasted about 3 minutes, but it’s an insecurity that I have in the back of my head - the need to have to explain or apologize for my presence as a “permanently single.” The idea that my body takes up space in an unnatural way. But I slid into that water regardless because I remembered how much I loved it and nothing stops me from reliving the small loves in my life.

On my Day 3 swims (first at the pool then at the spa pool this SPA man, I could move in and live there, more below), I harkened back to a thought I had on Day 2 - which I may have written about and then had promptly deleted in front of my eyes by this website or my laptop or both - that age - for me - is really about sitting into my personality but that doesn’t mean hard headedness to change - but instead a more narrowed focus on what I want my life to look like and who I want to live it as without compromise for expectations. It came from how much easier swimming was today than yesterday’s heavy breathing nonsense, and the difference being focus - of following my hands, watching my palms switch positons, eliminating everything that wasn’t directly in front of me.

Speaking of the spa, man, listen. It was amazing. It was expensive, but it was truly gold. Now I have never had a message before so a full body scrub and hot oil was already going to be a boundary crossing moment for me, but the moment that salt hit my skin and the pressure pushed into my back it was like having everything pushed out of me, without me knowing how much I needed that - even if symbolically. I tend to absorb everything that happens to me - I’m super sensitive sue me; everything good and bad, and just let it sit in my body like a mass and then continue moving with all of it inside me and then just bring it up like leftovers when I can’t find the silence. I call it experience or a reference bank or coping whatever it needs to be for the purpose of explaining it to people, but it’s there, for a lifetime of forgiving but not forgetting and it gets heavy. So to be in a room where everything is designed (both audibly and visually) to remove you from your physical presence there - was such a relief. I felt so clean and warm and comfortable that I felt like I was falling down slowly into a bottomless end - on both the facial and body scrub days. I spent hours HOURS in that spa, reading under the low lights, smelling the incense, listening to the Japanese flutes, drinking crystal water, taking over a cabana, gliding around in mineral enhanced water or whatever they drop into that pool (hopefully not acid), but it’s glorious. And the sheer feeling of being there entirely alone (no exaggeration - I was by myself at the spa pool and the main pool for hours at a time) and feeling settled in my skin to dance, sing along, read a book, swim, all at my own pace and schedule was really freeing and easy.

And that’s how I would describe this entire vacation - easy. It is the easiest vacation I have ever been on. There has been no pressure to do or not do anything. No topics of conversation planned, no responses required, no responsibility for another person’s good time, feelings, thoughts. I was at my own disposal; everything was on my time, when and for how long I wanted to do it and no one made me feel uncomfortable about it and I didn’t feel guilty or obligated back. There were spurts - because phones exist - but for the most part I felt like I didn't have to be accountable to anyone else and that in and of itself was such a break from my everyday life where I don’t want the people I care about to forget. The spa also brought me full confirmation - in the form of an aesthetician - that the natural color of my skin is pale (color you shocked) - so fair, that it reacts to every touch by turning pink. She asked if I blushed when I’m embarrassed. I said I had no idea, I have no shame.

My dad sent me flowers today for my birthday - thanks Dad! Everybody asked who they were from and I’m all my Dad, you know my taste in men, which one of them would have the consideration, the character, the moral and ethical  dedication to reciprocity of treatment, would ever send me flowers - especially to a different state, girl please, it’s my Dad. And that’s fine. At least my Dad means it. I remember when a co-worker of mine and I were sitting in my kitchen trying to warm up after we got flooded out of Lolla and he noticed a card I have on my fridge that says happy birthday. He asked me if it was, and I responded that it was from last year’s flowers - I kept it on the refrigerator to remind myself that my parents love me. He laughed because of course your parents love you. But Billy, it’s the only love I value because it’s the only one I can rely on. My parents - suffocatingly so - love me. Care about my well being and my safety and I’m getting a little emotional even typing this - I can’t say the same about anybody else and this is not meant to be insulting or discount the friendships I have in any way, all of which I truly appreciate and put my energy into reciprocating and rewarding as much as and every chance I get, but people have their own lives - they change, they move, they develop different inner circles, their priorities changes, their partner’s priorities change and they leave first in body then in spirit or vice versa. It’s an unreliable moment - that trap door floor is what keeps me independent - its what keep me focused on relying on myself more than anyone else. Other than my parents. I unabashedly need my parents. I need their presence, and their dumb jokes and their uncomfortable friendship with my dog - and I loved seeing those flowers. I love seeing that card every day, and I worry only about being a person that loses their respect and their presence - but truly not much else. So yes, I like the reminder Billy. It pushes me when people live their own lives around me and despite me. I’m going to try to think of a way to get these flowers on board. I’m thinking Ziploc with water - vase in bag - I don’t know. Stay on your toes TSA.

Ugh, and now I have to go back to work in my aggressively air conditioned cubicle including to people that I have let disrespect me in the past from a place where I respect myself. Annoying. Oh well, at least I’ve removed them from my life - even if not from my eyesight - and that’s a big enough step for now. Thanks AZ.