#i have to actually write before the 22nd because i KNOW i am going to vanish from the universe to binge shadow of the erdtree

[izpira-se-zlato]

Bootleg Hojan Merch

I know Nace shared part of the story in an interview a couple days ago, but I was planning on doing a write-up before I knew that, so here you go 😂 Also contains the continuation of the saga in Finland :D

Putting this under a cut because it's gonna be a bit of a read (plus a few more pictures). Yeah, I hope no one here is surprised that I suck at keeping things short 😂

So I have done a fair bit of clownery this year, and the most recent bit (before the shirt project) was attending two of the Polish gigs, Wrocław and Poznań.

I was wearing my Cha Cha Cha shirt to the Poznań gig, and when taking pictures with Bojan and Nace after the show, I opened my jacket so the shirt was visible. When stepping back after the pic, Nace spied the shirt and was kinda excited about seeing Käärijä merch – though he prefers the Häärijä merch, as he told us, because he's a "big fan" (his words, not mine).

So back at the hotel, I told @braveheart1418, "God, I'm so tempted to try to procure an actual Häärijä shirt. Tell me that's a stupid idea." Of course she did no such thing and so we looked into how much it would cost (too much) and how long it would take (too long), and so I was like, "bummer. And I'm not comfortable making bootleg official merch. Although, omg – it would be hilarious of we did Hojan merch!"

And the longer I thought about it, the more I fell in love with the idea. Again, I told friends, "tell me that would be a stupid idea," and again, they were filthy enablers, and so I started looking into the matter semi-seriously once I was back home (that was Wednesday the 22nd, so almost exactly a week before I left on a business trip leading into a stay at my parents' place leading into the gig).

The first thought was to get a big HOJAN in the Häärijä lettering on foil to iron onto a black shirt, though @braveheart1418 had commented that the design with a picture Häärijä on is much more memorable. That was a very valid point, except that there were no Hojan pics in suitable resolution that were in the right pose.

Thus, things I needed to solve:

get a plotter to cut out "Hojan" for the chest -> my mom said my cousin had a friend with a plotter. Contact was established

get a picture similar to the official merch of Hojan -> I reached out to Dean, who was absolutely lovely and set me up with a picture I could use

clip Hojan from the picture -> I had @submariini as well as another dear friend help me there because they are both much better at photoshop than me and were kind enough to offer their help, and decided to add the yellow border because the best picture Dean had sent me was black & white

get transfer paper -> easy: amazon (loathe as I am to use it)

find a copy shop to print Hojan for me -> tricky bc I got Inkjet-Printer transfer paper and most copy shops have laserjets, if they allow using your own paper at all -> I got laserjet transfer paper and once again had my cousin come to the rescue and helped me print it :D

find t-shirts in the right sizes -> I solved this by eyeballing and taking pics of my dad in the various sizes to check with @submariini. While nerve-wrecking, I am astonished just how well the sizing worked out in the end!

Despite the limited time (limited further by me getting sick Monday/Tuesday before my business trip), it all came together beautifully: I did a test-print Friday evening and picked up the foil cuts, went shirt shopping with my parents on Saturday (shout out to them for letting their adult kid drag them through three different clothes stores and especially to my dad for gamely trying on half a dozen shirts and waiting while I yelled at ed about which to take 😂), finished the test shirt (mine) that evening and adjusted the colours on the outline to be closer to the foil, printed three more copies of Hojan Sunday morning, and got them ready just in time for leaving for the gig!

Which was yet again nerve-wrecking because of the unprecedented amounts of snow happening in Bavaria, but it stood no chance against our determination!

Unfortunately, the snow situation meant that JO couldn't come out after the show, so I passed the shirt to Nace during it and received a pick in return, which made me bluescreen as I hadn't expected an exchange 😂 He put the shirt down without having looked at it, which was a bit unfortunate because I would have loved to have seen his reaction, but it was still a pretty cool moment.

They did get a lot of gifts this close to St. Nikolaus (which is also celebrated in Germany, or at least was in my youth), most of which they left on the stage for the crew to gather up, so I bluescreened even worse when Nace bee-lined over to me as they came back on stage for the SSOL-encore to thank me again for the shirt – others told me later he'd taken it backstage after Carpe Diem with him, which I'd missed 😅

After the show, I met @mogoce-nocoj and ended up talking to her for quite a while outside the venue because neither of us wanted to split off into different directions, and so it wasn't until we were on our way back to @braveheart1418's hotel room (finally accepting that we wouldn't manage to say goodbye quite so soon and might as well talk somewhere warm 😅) that I saw that Bojan had posted the story to his Instagram 😂. Let me just say that it was very fortunate we were still out-doors and not near normal flats, because I don't think I was quiet when I saw 😂

I actually ended up making four shirts including my trial one – one for Nace, one for Häärijä himself because it felt fitting, and one for @submariini because he's such a Häärijä fan :D

The latter two, I took with me to Rovaniemi (which was ed's fault, because (and I quote), "come to Rollo! It'll be fun!"), where a bunch of friends and I met up for a birthday party slash Käärijä gig (over 20 clowns in one place, it was amazing, 10/10 would do again (genuinely)). The weather and means of transport tried to keep us apart (train strikes and ice rains on my end, though I still had better luck than Joker Out), but we actually all made it and by now all made it back again, too :D

As I mentioned in a different post, I actually managed to hand over the shirt to Häärijä before the gig, and he told me he would wear it on stage, which he did! I also got a picture with him, ed, and me all in our shirts, which was also pretty great :D

So, yeah! The Process™ of project 1.

Thank you so so much to everyone who helped and encouraged me along the way -- my parents and my cousin, the gift to our fandom that is Dean Grainger (none of whom will hopefully ever read this specific post), @braveheart1418, @submariini, @alephai, my dearest friend K who's been an enabler for so so many shenanigans, and xia!bf for bearing with my insanity (both where the shirts are concerned and the general Käärijä/JO brainrot) and helping me make this project a reality 💛

[a-d-nox]

a review of my 22nd solar return year

about a year ago, i made a predictions post for my year ahead and now here i am updating y'all with what actually happened as i previously suggested that i would! so let's jump into it - i pasted all my previous predictions in to this post for your reading ease!

1H IN LEO AT 3°

predictions: adventure, appearance, death of an aunt or uncle, grandparents, health, nation and its health, arrogance, bets, fainting spells, heart disease, politics, president, romance, royalty, social affairs, accuracy, activeness, anxieties, authors, books, logic, manuscripts, mentor, whispering, and wit. FINALLY SOME RECOGNITION! i feel like i may have some anxiety struggles and continuing health issues (i did get better this past year and i am still working on my health) BUT i have some hope that this may be my year. i have been trying to publish my manuscript since 2020 - i finally have found an english professor that actually wants more of me and my writing (he actually gave me a creative writing award before i graduated) and literary views so with luck i will have a mentor and a published novel. i also feel like i may be a bit popular this year (to say the least - yes; literally everyone wanted to talk with me after class, sit around me, do thinks over summer, etc.). the sun square as aspect still indicates me being me though - i'm abrasive (someone literally told me that i was intimidating and they thought i was plotting their murder before they actually got to know me) and literally only socialize when i must (bent my rule for sure). venus square asc too i don't feel like my first impression are gonna be that great or charming BUT THATS LIFE LOL. the pan sextile as is giving public panic attack vibes and i am not here for it... lastly that paris opposite asc - am i helen this year? possibly? if i decide to date, will people be unable to look away - DEFINITELY (literally so many people asked me if i was dating the dude that i was interested in because we were really close friends as well)! mostly because i never date (still don't i guess because it wasn't official) and everyone always "assumes that i'm already with someone." so it will definitely rock the boats.

what actually happened: this past year i feel like everyone was a bit more aware if my health - both mental and physical - and they were more understanding of my situation, thus more willing to help me. i feel like people liked me because of my openness and realness of my situation (though sometimes they found my irritability of the situation and my current feelings to be an annoyance). i was able to go out and do my thing and my friends were understanding of the locale choices and my limits there. i eventually had the ability to overcome my social anxiety a bit by presenting a paper i co-authored with other friends. it didn't get published but by the end of the school year i had all the english departmental awards - one of which was for creative writing. i did have a bit of a "dating or not dating" scandal where everyone was asking quite often if he and i were together too.

2H IN LEO AT 23° (contains abundantia)

predictions: budget, cash, voice, bets, courtship, astrology, society, and home. i feel like i never truly content with the 2h *shrug* - the fact that i have some aquarian influence with that degree feels like the universe giving me back up. it doesn’t matter what i do so long as i am happy - money matters but at the same time i’m young and stupid so it doesn’t matter. i sense having a lot of spare change and having a roaring 20s type of time - just fun and games. if the group is happy so am i. i feel like whatever it is i am doing to get money positively effects my home and societal status BUT it feels pretty up in the air as to how it will effect my social and romantic realm perhaps i will be paying for others giving abundantia’s presence here (kinda in the same vein were people feel awkward when a friend pays for your things or your lover takes you on a date and you grab the tab before they can? ya know?).

what actually happened: GUYS I'M ON BUDGETTOK!! i love budgeting and cash stuffing. i even have a google sheets for money tracking. the money is flowing in and it all started here when i started paid tarot readings, which then became paid astrology readings, and then became finding a part-time job (then i got a promotion there). money is good and all but as long as i can get what i want (like that tarot set that we did the dessert games with) i am cool with what's up financially! i do/did make people uncomfortable with how giving i am with the money i make (like i am buying christmas presents already and i am like "i'm almost done with your gifts" and everyone is like STOP WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALMOST).

3H IN VIRGO AT 18° (contains midas)

predictions: written agreement, savvy, dictionaries, novels, rumors, signatures, first aid, fingers, food storage, nerve specialist, and uterus afflictions. i feel great about the book indicators but horrifying by the health omens. not to mention the ruler being sickly virgo with abdominal issues and me having possibly DIE. seems like a hot and cold era. socially, i feel uprooted in terms of midas being here maybe as though i will be doing a lot of “short trips.” also as though socially i will receive both hate and adoration.

what actually happened: reading is nothing new for me, but this last year i was very technical like the virgo 3h would suggest (lots of tabs and even more footnotes). when i started working i had some hand/finger changes - bumps, calluses, blisters, pains, etc. (i feel like that a midas virgo thing?). but otherwise my abdominal/uterine pain was well managed with medication. i did go on a few shorter trips with friends - all the friends are nonexistent existent now though just like i predicted unfortunately.

4H IN LIBRA AT 19° (contains sun, mercury, venus, ambrosia, and aphrodite)

predictions: agriculture, ground, homestead, uterus, womb, art, love, music, poetry, unions, weddings, dead, reproductive systems, research, copper, surgery, ambition, power, wisdom, authors, book, confession, limericks, novelist, public speaking, companion, hope, hobbies, honeymoons, ovaries, and suitors. just wanna say could this be the year - a libra house with venus in it?? could i possibly be dating someone?? that would be a first. i feel like for sure i’m going to start gardening that’s the vibe of fourth house ambrosia - you are like a naturally a green thumb i have never gardened before but i already have pepper seeds!! i also have a weird feeling that maybe i won’t be publishing the book i thought i would but instead i will be publishing poetry (mercury conjunct venus, mercury 27°, and a heavy lean on libra energy for this house) which is not necessarily shocking. not to keep harping in “non-medical” houses but this one is the womb - i wonder if (sorry if this is over sharing) my gyn is gonna tell me i have to be on birth control and i get a cooper IUD (copper is venus and libra ruled). that would lowkey piss me off but ambrosia here makes me think maybe i’d feel better. aphrodite here makes me think with balanced hormones i’d be hot lmfao - or this could be another romance symbol with all the libra and venus energy going on.

what actually happened: i did indeed start my garden - AND IT FLOURISHED!!! i learned a lot about my garden and what i need to work on to make it better next year. but there was no wedding or death and the uterine problems were solved with little white pills and now i feel okay - but have some suspicions... on another note there were a lot of confessions from the person i thought would be more and those confessions did make it seem like he would be more at times. i even got confessions from others that were QUESTIONABLE.

5H IN SCORPIO AT 25° (contains moon and frigga)

predictions: magic, pelvis, poisonous plants, surgery, inflammation of womb, inflammation, pregnancy, romance, babies, breasts, childbirth, and fertility. i read this a part of my chart and go hm - pregnancy scare? endometriosis? raspberry leaf tea? endoscopy?? any way i cut it it seem sus??? or this could have to do with me writing poetry again considering the moon’s presence. frigg here makes me think of pregnancy because she’s the mother. but it could also suggest romantic promise!

what actually happened: i definitely went through some romantic fluctuations given the moon - BUT i would like to note that oddly he was a cancer (so is there a correlation between planets placed in the 5h and who you date that year? possibly? idk). i did have to deal with my fertility and start a birth control because my suspected DIE was causing me to be forced into stay home too often. when i got started on this birth control i did notice a lot of breast pain (scorpio is mars ruled and the this house starts at an aries degree - so i would think discomfort is pretty common). i am okay with it for now; as the alternative, it was suggested to turn off my hormones entirely which would force me into a pseudo-menopause... i do worry slightly after visiting my eye doctor in july that my taking a progesterone only (the only type of birth control i can really take) is causing PCOS (he found a cluster of blood vessels and said some scary things but among his list was pre-diabetes and PCOS often is due to increased testosterone and not enough estrogen which causes increased insulin (which is connected to pre-diabetes))... on a lighter note, i did have some poetry published this year and i did start writing more poetry again!

6H IN CAPRICORN AT 2° (contains pluto and huitzilopochtli)

predictions: doctors, healing, order, ashes, black, clocks, contraction, depression, limitations, politics, profession, beauty, copper, profit, voice, bladder, regeneration, and sex organs. i feel like this is like the last opportunity sign from the universe. i can get my shit together now and become my best self OR get really bad lol. it’s funny but it’s not because huitzilopochtli is just so energetic meanwhile we have contemplative, semi-hustler capricorn and slow moving pluto here - so this could go either way. given the ambrosia square saturn my best bet is likely food/diet. the square may indicate that i shouldn’t take it all upon myself to figure it out sooooo NOTED.

what actually happened: i saw a few new doctors this year (i even got a mineral hair test) all of whom are looking out for me - some say some scare sh!t though (thank you, pluto in the 6h). but generally this was a better year for me health wise - i didn't have as many mysterious leg bruises, i didn't feel like i gained or lost weight, i didn't have prescription change, etc. i did feel energetic, yet tired all year though with huitzilopochtli and capricorn in my 6h. i do feel like i am doing a lot of planning and such in my day to day life - like i have now started drafting and queuing posts for the month a month in advance and i also glammed up my google calendar - i do feel like my natal virgo mars still wants to keep plotting and planning though.

7H IN AQUARIUS AT 3° (contains saturn, amalthea, arachne, and paris)

predictions: art, boyfriend, books, communication, debates, intelligence, journalism, proofreader, studies, writing, cramps, freethinker, friends, society, ambitious person, blindfold, doom, doubt, long lasting friendship, ink, jealousy, monogamy, loneliness, possessiveness, cold, time, tragedy, tradition, and winter. the ruler is in the house :) perfect a relationship that is either gonna last or be toxic af considering it’s saturn lol. but we have to giggle little at this description he’s like paris - i’m the prettiest girl in his eyes, nurturing like amalthea, and talented like arachne. I KNOW WHO HE IS LMFAO - it’s the guy who sits next to me in class i am half curious if he is an aquarius. we are both nerds - he asked me to write a scholarly article with him. lol is that getting asked out? part of me says this connection is likely to further mature as winter sinks in.

what actually happened: there was no boyfriend, just a boy that took up the emotional real estate of what would be use for a boyfriend. we did communicate a lot and at the end of the day he was like we are just friends (thanks, aquarius 7h). he introduced me to the world of journalism though - as the editor he was very active. i wrote 5 articles in the 4 month span. while it was doomed from the start, he awoke something in me that i could have more and i could do more than what i was doing, so at the very least i can thank him for that. but i do feel like it was a bit convenient... we were around each other and he was curious of what i could be to him and by the end of the school year he was like "ehhh i don't want you, like you want me" - the summer was rough with the loneliness i felt after he stopped reaching out (immature it may be but i always take it intentionally when people don't reach out to me).

8H IN AQUARIUS AT 23° (contains kleopatra)

predictions: inheritance, occult, sex, sex organs, surgery, astrology, blood and circulation, cramps, and spirituality. kleopatra huh??? *smirk* looks like an intimate relationship. i don’t really feel like i need to say the stuff i have said before as i see similar words arise in this category/house.

what actually happened: nothing happen. i just got emotionally and mentally intimate with him.

9H IN PISCES AT 18° (contains jupiter, neptune, and chiron)

predictions: counselors, education, philosophical societies, long distance travel, university, writing, advisor, celebration, education, honor, luck, recommendations, writing, aesthetics, delusion, fantasy, fiction, mythology, poetry, editing, satire, studiousness, fictitious name, and self-undoing. this is my year - i’m gonna graduate, jupiter 0° is 100% the vibe. but as for the rest neptune could be writing now that i am in the english program it could be telling that i am getting into it-into it. refer to 7h i really am working with him to create a scholarly paper so :) it’s doing somethin’. the self-undoing may be my own fault in terms of anxiety :/ OH WELL WHAT ELSE IS NEW - i kid you not i’m not like “i have butterflies in my stomach” anxious i am “i skipped class tuesday-thursday this week because i got paranoid that i was going to vomit in my class in front of my peers and i wouldn’t recover from that” anxious.

what actually happened: i did graduate. and now i am on educational break (which i think is neptune and chiron involved - i think that it would be good for me to get a certification, a masters, or my MFA but i need to be more grounded than i currently am about getting any of those things). graduation was not the best, which i suppose is the chiron influence - there was a fair bit of drama (looking at you, neptune) about who was going and who i disinvited for my day. things got settled though and i got my awards and now i am free from the educational system in the first time in my life, considering i grew up in / going to daycare.

10H IN ARIES AT 19° (contains uranus and north node)

predictions: achievements, authority, career, cramps, curiosity, change, freedom, freelance, romance, freethinking, shock, writing, courage, energy, affection, companions, friendliness, partnership, and poet. i’m not getting a traditional job - i’m taking 6 months off to do whatever i want and that likely means freelance which is uranus vibes mixing with the libra degree. the freelance stuff could be very critical to me as a person as well as the forward movement in my careers to come. whatever it is has me talking and writing A LOT given the tight orb between the ruler mars and the planet mercury.

what actually happened: this is my freelance domain here - i opened readings - i have made since starting in july, around 500 USD which is pretty decent considering i do not charge a lot, nor do i offer readings consistently. i did not take off as much time as i thought i would because i had too much time to myself to think about what everyone who is still at my university is doing without me... i did not get a full-time remote position unfortunately though. but i do a lot of communication because i am a supervisor, so i am guiding people who i work with as well as customers (which is the house ruler aspecting mercury).

11H IN TAURUS AT 25° (contains mars, agamemnon, odysseus, and pan)

predictions: acquaintanceship, companionship, working ability, adventure, aggressor, ambition, challenge, chemistry, contest, fearlessness, fights, inflammation, love/passion, men, participation, courage, dancing, wealth, and voice. it’s gonna be an odd friendship year seems competitive given mars, pan, and agamemnon - all of these objects are competitive or have critical competitions within their myth. odysseus could indicate some travel with friends or becoming the last man standing - we should recall that odysseus came back home and only had two people who he could actually trust and having zero crew-mates left. given this is societal interaction house of things this could be a romantic or passionate light for me to stand in given - mars and taurus. the ruler in the 4h could indicate me being a hostess and opening my doors to others.

what actually happened: in terms of friendship, it has been a very challenging year. very quickly i learned that some of my "friends" weren't friends at all; perhaps we didn't know each other at all. i had a friend confess her feelings for my situationship then later say that a toxic part of her wants (inadvertently) him to be obsessed with her. i fell in love with my best friend (mars moments... and how still miss him despite the months of no communication). i had a group toss me out of their chat because they thought i did something i didn't even do. then attempt to immaturely defame my character. i feel horrible that they continue to seek out my downfall as they sometimes talk people into sending me screenshots of them bullying me in that chat in hopes of triggering me into responding. i hope all of them finds happiness one day, instead of trying to bring others down. i feel like the competitive/offensive nature was tangible in all these situations (shoutout to agamemnon and pan)... but more so i felt the odysseus placement here. i felt one thing after another lead me to realize that all i can trust is a very select few. and beyond that i can really only trust and rely on myself. a lot of people didn't have the best intentions towards me, nor did they really want to be my friend. their preference was to be intolerant of me and my personality (i'm not an easy person, i'm not perfect, but i'm not a monster and i am certainly not the snake some people believe i am).

12H IN CANCER AT 3°

predictions: anxiety, books, breathing, literature, manuscripts, restlessness, homemaking, and uterus. health anxiety. and escapism via reading, writing, and cookings lol YEP THATS ABOUT RIGHT LOL.

what actually happened: social anxiety is big for me lots of people don't take it seriously when i say i have it because i manage it well, but i found a great number of people who understood me this year when i said i have it... i was also an escapist writer this year, i often wrote when i was sad or mad instead of saying what was really going on and what i was feeling out loud (cancer / moon 5h vibes).

that's all for now!! keep an eye out next week for my newest set of predictions for my 23rd solar return year! are you interested in a solar return reading? consider purchasing a "sunny d" reading; read more about the reading and it's cost here!

click here for the masterlist

click here for more return chart posts

want a personal reading? click here to check out my reading options and prices!

© a-d-nox 2023 all rights reserved

[flowersandbigteeth]

OOOOH NOOOO I'M OBSESSED WITH HEATH... FUUUUCK!!! This was so well written and fun! I love this character so much, he's so hot and likable, even though he's so dominant and possessive. Actually he might be hot because of that. Oops lol

I've never had a thing for gargoyles before but I have a crush on this guy. the bookstore scenario is so cute, and the way he's so casual and rough around the edges, then suddenly breaks his composure and fucks the life out of the reader is just perfect. I've been daydreaming about this all day. What's Heath's apartment like, if you can tell me? :D is he the owner of the bookstore? LMAO loved the shading of the reader's sad human boyfriend. I'm guessing Heath has a nicer place and more money than the reader, too. I love that aspect, it adds to the dynamic of him being more powerful and taking care of his cute new little human, while also putting his claim on them by taking them into his 'territory'.

His loyalty is so cute. Bet it'll be so fun for him to get to wake up with the reader, spend the whole morning together and go to work together. Poor thing can never fake being sick to get out of work again, though XD how much patience do you think heath would have for the reader if she struggled with depression and couldn't necessarily be very productive? Reading this I was just thinking about how different I am at home then at work because I only have enough energy to be productive for so long before I crash and become useless lol

I hope you don't mind the wall of text! I got so inspired by your piece I couldn't help it. Thank you for writing things for us, your blog is amazing :)

Haha I’m glad you like him! I don’t know why but I’m obsessed with sort of average everyday leads, though Heath does own the bookstore. He’s not like a psycho CEO or anything, though. He’s a pretty laid back guy who literally hired you because he thought you were cute. This was really fun to answer, because I adore Heath!

Here are the answers:

As for his apartment: 

He lives on the 22nd floor of a building overlooking the city, but it’s not crazy expensive or anything. He’s pretty much upper middle class, but has a good savings and retirement plan. It’s got two bedrooms, a bedroom and a study for his bookshelves, with a large wide balcony. 

He has a cat named Aero and a fishtank with freshwater fish. He likes dogs, but he’s not a dog person, preferring quiet snuggling with his kitty.

He also likes to be surrounded by living things and keeps easy to care for potted plants. His balcony is packed with plants in terra cotta pots he’s raised from cutlets that he’s collected from various little old ladies that come into the bookstore. I just imagine him having a whole fan club of grandmas who found out he’s into balcony gardening and wont stop gifting him cuttings from their plants at home.   

Heath likes to read so he’s got a ton of old special edition books he saved for himself from running the bookstore and comfortable chairs. 

He’s not a slob but he was definitely a bachelor before you. Most things in his house are practical except the books. His house looks very casual with oversized comfy, but quality furniture in cool neutral shades. He does have a nice wooden bedframe on his very large bed, for his very large body. He even has matching sheet sets and pillowcases. 

He doesn’t know much about decorating so he’s excited to decorate with you. Before you moved in he just had fan posters he got from the bookstore and framed, which he wasn’t particularly attached to. His walls were painted gray before you and he’s excited to pick paint colors with you. 

He usually uses his balcony as his front door and flies up to his apartment. He will give you a ride. 

He’s a big cuddle bug and a huge introvert. When he’s at home he’s a ton more cuddly and touchy than he is at work. At work he puts on a bit more of a tough, boss facade, but at home he just wants to curl up on the couch and read books as much as possible. 

His house is noticeably quiet. He doesn’t watch loud movies. He doesn’t listen to loud music. When he does play video games, he wears headphones. He likes a peaceful atmosphere at home. 

If the reader struggled with depression: 

He would be very sympathetic and want to get you help from a doctor because he’s very data driven. He likes to learn everything possible about a subject before he takes action. He’d probably want to go to some of your doctor’s appointments with you just to make sure you’re getting the help you need and that he is doing everything right to help you

He would be really gung-ho about treatment and help you organize your medications, buying you cute little pill containers to put them in

He would definitely let you stay home on days you just weren’t feeling up to it because really he’s more worried about you than how you behave as an employee. He will always want to cuddle with you when you just want to stay pressed in the couch and sometimes read you books while you take your depression naps

However, he would be really strict about doctor mandated schedules, which might cause friction sometimes. He will drag you out of bed and make you do some exercise! He will chase you around with a water bottle and remind you to drink it! He will make you go to bed on time! He will insist on buying healthy food for meals! He will carefully watch your drinking and give you glasses of juice and say they are alcoholic when you are overdoing it. He’s not above tricking you when you are being silly or stubborn, but most of the time he’ll just fuck the sense into you.

[minecraftrelatedrandomness]

Worldbuilding and Backstory Food for Thought

Source: Scott's Sept 20th stream (1:22:20–1:24:24 at linked unofficial VOD); transcript under cut for reference

Summary

p!Scott questions how the new pirates could have got past the Ice Wall into the Ecclesiae Sea and onto the Faction Isles

p!Owen and p!Apo make fun of him for allegedly being a sheltered nepo baby who doesn't know other people live in Ecclesia

p!Owen also reveals he's from an upper-class city called Oakhurst, spelling tentative as of time of writing

Questions

Because we genuinely don't know the geography of Ecclesia or the SMP world, I think p!Scott actually has a point – where did everyone come from? What is the geography of Ecclesia like?

Just because p!Owen assumes Oakhurst is located within the Ice Wall doesn't mean it actually is; we don't know enough about the geography of Ecclesia to tell yet

We know Ecclesia/the region near the Faction Isles have been used as a "shortcut" for trading ships (from one of the treasure quest descriptions), suggesting there is ocean beyond Ecclesia as well and land far beyond the area. We also know one of the navies lurk north of Ecclesia (from p!Sausage's backstory), that places like Naya and p!Eloise's hometown exist, etc.

Many questions about the Ice Wall: when did it first appear, if p!Owen never saw it? Who made it and how was it done? Why does it exist in the first place? We know it has something to do with the cultists and the corruption, but nothing concrete just yet

Annotation: This discussion was first made on the POWCreations Discord server on Sept 22nd, 2023

Transcript

S: Question: where are all these new people coming from? We're trapped in an Ice Wall. O: Yeah, they [Eret, Jojo, and Seapeekay] were– they just apparently woke up in a cage and there were some hooded figures in the island, like the island they were in. And then they escaped, I guess? And stole their ship, and now they're here. S: Yeah, but there was also new people [Shelby, Shep, and Sniff] yesterday as well. O: Yeah, just a coincidence, I guess. A: (overlapping) I think there's other people that live inside the Ice Wall besides us. O: Yeah, it's not just us, there's like, hundreds and hundreds of thousands of people across this world. S: Just in the Ice Wall? O: Yeah! S: (out of character) [It's] the Simpsons movie all over again. O: Oh, wait, you've only ever lived on this island. S: Yeah. O: Apo, where'd you come from? S: (out of character) Where did you go? Where did you come from, Apo– I'm sorry. O: Like, you know, what town where you in before you came to the Faction Isles? Surely there were people there, right? A: Oh, you know, places and things and stuff. O: Okay, well, I was from Oakhurst. S: Ohh. Never heard of it. O: Yeah, no, no, you wouldn't have, it's quite a high-class place. So, yeah, I don't know– I came from there, and then I ran away, and I live here. But there was like– That was a whole city, there was people, I just choose not to go back. S: Oh, well, I mean– Is that within the Ice Walls? O: Yeah! […] I assume so, 'cause I sailed here on a trading vessel and we didn't hit an Ice Wall! S: True. Weird. Hm. O: Other cities exist. Of course, like, it's not even just us. If you look in, like, the Heron scripture banks, you'll find there's like, at least 50 Herons, they're just all out on missions right now. S: Well, I know that because I am a Heron, I know that other Herons exist. O: Oh, well, there you go, there you go! There's lots of people in the world! S: Yeah, it just felt strange. O: (to Apo) Oh, he's lived a sheltered life. It's okay. A: Yeah, nepotism baby, it's just how it is. O: There's no judgement. S: It feels like judgement. O: There's no judgement. A: It's okay, nepo baby. O: Mummy and Daddy will be back soon and then you won't have to meet any new people. S: You two are lucky I don't set the Kangacrew on you.

[ramennoodlezzzao3]

YOU GUYS, I COMPLETELY FORGIT ABT THIS AU, SHOULD I WRITE IT? (It’s a Harry Potter AU and I found some notes that I wrote down. I’m gonna change some of it but STILL)

Something I wanted to make clear, Miss Kathy, the librarian, is a character I added in memory of my grandmother. My grandmother loved Harry Potter with all of her heart as it was something her and my grandfather used to read together. Her name was Kathy with a K and I thought that if I was going to add a librarian, it has to be her! So I get to share a little bit of my grandmother with you guys as the characters attitude, humor, personality, and description is exactly like my grandmother (or as close as I could get) 

Kathy J. 1952 - 2021 (She would have been 73 this year)

Overview/information

Ponyboy lives in Tulsa, Oklahoma, but he lives on a street called privet drive.

He’s not being abused by anyone, and everyone in the gang is aged up. Not only that, this is set in 1991 so Ponyboy was born in 1980, let me put the gangs ages and birthdays rq

Darry - 28, January 21st, 1963

Two-bit - 27, April 1st 1964

Dallas - 26, November 4th, 1965

Steve - 25, December 6th, 1966

Sodapop - 25, October 8th, 1966

Johnny - 24, March 1st, 1967

Pony - 11, July 22nd, 1980

The reason for the age gap between Ponyboy and his brothers is because after Sodapop, the Curtis parents were told they couldn’t have anymore children. Sodapop and Darry always wanted another little brother but were told by their parents they just couldn’t have one.

So when Mrs. Curtis got pregnant a few months before Darry’s 17th birthday, Everyone, including the gang, were very excited, especially Sodapop.

One day, Ponyboy and his parents went to the grocery store, but in their way back got in a car accident and died…well, that’s what it looked like, at least. Voldemort actually tried to kill Ponyboy but ended up failing. (Que the boy who lived!)

Ponyboys parents did know about the wizarding world, their great grandparents were very rich witches and wizards. But after an incident, a curse was put on the family so no Wizard could be born into the family again, until Ponyboy came along.

No, Sodapop and Darry aren’t wizards, they didn’t even know about the wizarding world until now. 

Darry was able to get custody of both Ponyboy and Sodapop (Sodapop would have been 15 and Ponyboy would have been 1) 

And just so you don’t have to do the math, Darry was 17, Two-bit was 16, Dallas was 15, Steve was 14, Sodapop was 14, and Johnny was 13 when Ponyboy was born.

Yes, Ponyboy has the scar and glasses.

Now, this is my AU so I’m making Ron the youngest because I wholeheartedly hate Ginny with all of my being.

Now, Ron is still gonna end up with Hermione, Neville with Luna, Draco with Pansy, but I want Ponyboy to end up with a boy. Like, he will still kiss Cho, but that’s like, his gay awakening, you catch my drift

(I, personally, am Bi, so I wanna add some LGBTQ element in the story, so why not make it the main love focus?)

I was thinking he could end up with Dean Thomas or Seamus Finigin, maybe even Cormac Laggin or Collin Creevy. Or I could make up a character but I prefer not to add Ocs, so if you guys have any ideas on who he should end up with, let me know.

It needs to be someone that can replace Ginny, but not be apart of the Weasley family.

I’m not gonna give Darry or anyone in the gang a serious girlfriend or wife because I want the ENTIRE FOCUS on pony. I might keep Evie and Silvia, maybe even Cathy (M&Ms older sister from that was then this is now) as two’s girlfriend. But Sandy is gone and Johnny and Darry are single Pringles. 

I figured out the statistics for ponyboy and here they are

Patronus (won’t be important till later) - Pieball Mare (a horse lol)Companion - black and white spotted cat with black socks and a mustache (Green eyes) named Oreo (do you guys have a better name idea?)Wand - See chapter 2

Serious black is his Godfather, Lily Curtis and Darrel Curtis made sure of that 

[shallyne]

The Diary of Feyre Archeron

Just a tiny fic too see if I want to continue it and keep this format!

Words: 800

TW: implications of neglect, manipulation and controlling behaviour

December 21st

Dear Diary (?) 

I never had a diary, I don't know how this stuff works. Mom gave me an old diary she had never used, it's the closest to a birthday gift I have ever gotten from her. I haven't gotten any cake like Elain or a grand party like Nesta but I'm not mad, at least I get the time to draw in my room without any interruptions. I've become pretty good! 

Rumor has it that a new boy will be at our school tomorrow, which is weird because it's two days before the holidays. It probably stays a rumor, it wouldn't make sense. 

Anyways, I think I'm going to sneak into the kitchen after mom went to bed, I'm getting hungry. 

Bye, I guess? 

December 22nd

Dear Diary, 

Today I have been blessed by god. I didn't expect to make another entry so soon but today the new guy looked at me. OH MY GOD, RIGHT? He totally smiled at me too!! (Delusion aside, he probably saw someone behind me. He doesn't know I exist.) 

I hate the stupid lights in the school but I swear the new guy’s eyes looked VIOLET in the light. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I'm totally going to draw himy he's GORGEOUS! Like the men on Nesta's book covers (that she's totally hiding from mom) but a hundred times prettier! 

Well, I have to finish my math homework now. 

Bye? 

January 2nd

Dear Diary, 

Christmas was pretty boring that's why I didn't write anything but today was insane! The new guy has a name, Rhysand (beautiful, right?) and he's in my history class! I actually quite like history and our teacher, Ms Weaver, even though everyone is scared of her but Rhysand made it hard to focus!! It's not like I'm mad about it because he's sitting like right in front of me and he smells like citrus and sea (Not that I sniffed him, I'm not a weirdo) he smells SO GOOD and I could just get lost looking at him all the time! 

Maybe he'll talk to me someday, wouldn't that be neat? 

Shit, mom is coming home and she sounds mad!!! 

Bye! 

January 4th

Dear Diary, 

Today I got Elain’s hand-me-downs! Finally, I've been waiting for this, I needed new pants. Mom refused to buy me new ones because it's my fault I got them paint splattered. It's only one pair that has paint on them, the others are falling apart! But arguing with mum is like arguing with a brick wall, it won't budge.  

I found a pretty blue jumper in Elain’s old clothes which makes my eyes pop! I will wear it tomorrow. Not because I have history class and will see Rhysand, it just looks pretty. 

I also got a job interview at a run down diner at the edge of the town! Mom can't know, she'd never allow me to work or if she would, she wouldn't allow me to keep the money, she always needs to have everything under control, it's so annoying. 

I'm not worried about not getting the job but I hope I can convince them to give me night shifts so mom won't know! Once she's asleep, she's ASLEEP! 

I'd say wish me luck but it's only me and the ink, so I guess I wish myself luck. 

So excited! 

January 13th

Dear Diary, 

I am dying. I really am. I'm barely able to write these words down. 

Fine, maybe I'm not dying really but it feels like it. I got my period and I literally feel like I'm bleeding out. I feel like someone is stabbing my uterus REPEATEDLY. Why would mother nature be so cruel? Why would my own mother be so cruel to still send me to school like this? That was a trick question, it's my mother. Cruel is carved in her bones and blood and brain. Whatever it is, I can't think through this agony. 

Mom says it's normal and I shouldn't be so dramatic and when I tried to talk to Elain she grimaced!! I mean, it's not her fault, I guess. Mom drilled it into Nesta and Elain that these topics are taboo. I think that's stupid because in biology they said periods are natural so why would something natural be taboo? 

It doesn't make sense, right? 

On a slightly brighter side, Rhysand talked to me yesterday and asked if I was okay!! I am aware he asked because I probably looked like death but a win is a win, right? And his smile when I lied and said I was okay, I was melting into a puddle! 

Okay, the water is hot enough for my hot water bottle! I'm gonna chill and listen go Red for the rest of the day until bedtime. 

Bye

Taglist: @captain-of-the-gwynriel-ship @starfall-spirit @rhysiedarling @corcracrow @sydney-fae25 @tothestarsandwhateverend @aayo-whatt @dreamlandreader

[claudiajcregg]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @mihrsuri. Thanks, Lil! I feel like I've answered these in the not-so-distant past, and might have accidentally ignored one or more tags. Oops. I need to check the Mentions tab and check it out!

(I also started writing this… earlier this week, and forgot about the tab. Sorry this is so so long.)

01. how many works do you have on ao3? 24 fics, though one of them has eight ficlets… So some would count it as 31. (It's still 24.)

02. what's your total ao3 word count? 167,815 words

03. what fandoms do you write for? TWW.

04. top five fics by kudos?

maybe everything's just turning out how it should be

(big gulf here)

say it's here where our pieces fall in place

just your smile lit a sixty-watt bulb in my house that was darkened for days

nobody knows how to get back home

we could be the way forward and I know I'll pay for it 

05. do you respond to comments? Yes! I try to get to all of them, and feel bad when I hoard them (because they're lovely) or they slip through the cracks. (I tend to wait some time before replying to the comments on my most recent fic, so if anything comes in later, it might be immediate or two months late.)

06. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I feel like I always struggle with this answer because they're mostly hopeful endings! Which is just my perception and now how it is. Tempted to go check what I've answered in the past.

Most recently, I think what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy has that 'right person, wrong time', on borrowed time vibes. But maybe not! My go-to answer always feels like my post-Portland Trip fic, don't want you to go but I'll be okay, because it feels so final and bittersweet then.

07. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Oh, which one should I pick? I think the Cali/Jan 22nd fic from earlier this year (oh, and I will be with you to feel the California sun) is just pure happiness, tbh. Memoir fic (still you never took your hand from mine) also feels like a saccharine, sweet ending! (Could've also picked the literal wedding reception-set fic, lol.)

08. do you get hate on fic? No! Luckily. If I have, I don't remember. I've gotten a weird comment or two, but those weren't about the fics. So no!

09. do you write smut? Nooooo, of course not. (This is the last time I'll beg you to read on main and that's under a cut lol.) Up till now I could say it was mild scenes in yet-to-be-posted fics, which remains true, but I posted a literal smutty fic last Friday, lol. I'm proud of it and myself, for getting out of my comfort zone, and while it's flopping I'm glad those who've read it liked it!

10. craziest cross over? This is the question that undoubtedly makes me go “lol I've definitely done this before.” Because I always joke that I've already seen the craziest canon crossovers on screen. That said, I haven't personally written one, and don't have ideas.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? No? Sometimes I wonder if some ideas have been borrowed but wouldn't say stolen.

12. have you ever had a fic translated? No! Maybe one day I'll do it myself. (I don't think there's demand for it/Spanish-written fics in this fandom.) (Once again, I'm sure that this answer matches the previous ones.)

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? Sounds fun! No. But anyone interested? hmu.

14. all-time favorite ship? In what sense? I cannot choose, but at the same time… We all know.

15. what's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I don't like putting this energy out in the universe. It's one thing to post (that's probably a long list) but actual WIPs that are worth it? I want to believe I'll get to them eventually. (But. Unfortunately, the answer is many of them.)

16. what are your writing strengths? Internal world? As in, I am “good” at describing the internal world of a character. idk.

17. what are your writing weaknesses? I write in my second language. I feel like everything's a weakness. (World building, descriptions, dialogue.)

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? As long as it doesn't take the reader out (and makes sense in the story), 👍 I might have peppered in some Spanish in some of my writing but it feels wrong somehow.

19. first fandom you wrote in? Bones.

20. favorite fic you've written? I cannot pick a favorite child. I can affectionately call them flops because they mostly are, stats-wise, but there's something about them that I love. And I feel like some of my favorite stuff is what's not yet posted! Because it stops feeling “mine” once it's out there.

don't want you to go but I'll be okay · Portland fic · my automatic answer because I felt it was special the second I finished it. So many things came together (that quote, particularly).

we could be the way forward and I know I'll pay for it · St Augustine, a precanon campaign fic ·(Any of the first four (posted in 2021) is super special to me. This one was another one I knew would be special. And it has big “there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you” energy.

your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep · (3+1 fic set in the last third of S7, ft the press corps) · Taylor sang KOMH on N2 because she loved this. I just know it. (I just really love secret relationships/working around that S7 period so much.)

nobody knows how to get back home · itsotg missing scen) · I just like it a lot, and it's also a good candidate for angsty ending. When did it get so many kudos?!

maybe everything's just turning out how it should be · big block of cheese 2008 · felt disingenuous not to include the fic I always knew I wanted to post, even if it's another early one. It's my most popular by a huge margin, and I'm glad.

I so wanted to add fics like the Cali one but this always depends on my mood! So this is the answer that might always change haha.

Shoutout to some unposted ones that I love but won't get published. Or others perpetually in limbo, like the two big multichapters (IM and S5 pregnancy). I feel like some of my best stuff is in What Once Was Ours (the IM AU fic I wrote in 2021), or the S5 Pregnancy AU (which I hope to finish this summer! And I want to start posting once I feel like I'll make that deadline)… And I'm currently really fond of one I've started to call “demons that you know raise hell worse than a stranger.” Coming to you soon, if I get my crap together!

[dramamelon]

Preview Time is HERE!

To be posted to AO3 in this year's @tf-bigbang come the 22nd - 24th of September, a mere two weeks away, a fic I've wanted to write since MTMTE #52 dropped. (So, it's only been simmering on the back burner, oh, just shy of seven and a half years.)

Fix-it fic? Yup. Fix-it fic. (And it's a long one.) Drawing on the various ways Cybertronians have come back from what should have been death or things that should have caused it, I couldn't leave the little opening that left room for resurrecting Kaon alone. 😭💜 Take a spark not quite gone dark, a lump of Sentio Metallico, and a medic willing to do whatever is necessary.... Just another day on the Lost Light, right?

My artist collaborator is @flayyr (a great hand at helping design Kaon's new frame!) and the result is absolutely fantastic! (I'll reblog when a preview is available. 🥺✨💖✨)

I'll shut up now and let y'all get to the actual preview part. 😁

* * *

"The way he was done so wrong by Tarn, though…. I couldn't just leave him to fade when I found his spark still glowing."

The expression on Anode's face twisted from judgemental toward thoughtful. Her hold on Kaon gentled, the speculative hand on Kaon's chin tilting his face into a better position to see it. "He'll hold memories in his spark, if he retains any at all," she said. "There's no telling if he'll ever have access to them if they do exist."

"I know," Nickel replied, nodding. "The texts did mention that." When his armor started to flood with color, taking on the iron rust red and shining brass he'd worn before going gray, she clutched both his newly darkened hands tight and held them over her spark.

"He more than likely will never be the mech you remember." This time it was Lug, moved closer behind her with comfort in her field. "I only got my memories back because of Anode having so many to jumpstart them."

Nickel's spark quailed at the thought that Kaon wouldn't remember at least her. However, if he didn't remember anything from his previous life…. "Maybe that would be for the better," she admitted, reaching out with a hand again to pet his slack cheek. "If he doesn't know who he was, he can be someone else without all those terrible things to weigh him down."

Then, it happened. A slim, glowing line of amber gold escaped the edges of optical shutters just beginning to part. Nickel cycled her optics and grabbed hold of his hands again. That was not Decepticon red.

"Hello," she greeted the newly awakened mech, keeping her voice low. "Are you awake, sweetspark?"

Those shutters slowly blinked open, revealing innocent golden optics in full. The irises cycled as the sparkling that was Kaon turned his hazy, newspark optics on Nickel. A tickle of the faintest static danced over the spires on his shoulders. "I am?" he said, so very obviously unsure of himself. "Awake, yes. I am." He tilted his helm a little, much like a photovoltaic kitten as Anode let her hand fall away. "Who are you?"

Nickel did her best not to be disappointed. She'd been warned to expect it, after all. "My name is Nickel. I'm a medic. And your caretaker." She nodded to Anode. "That is Anode and behind me is Lug. They're friends."

Kaon blinked, the golden light of his optics brightening and his narrow frame sitting up straighter under his own power. "Nickel," he repeated, then turned his helm one at a time to the others. "Anode. Lug." His mouth stretched wide in a smile Nickel had only seen him wear when interacting with the Pet, the set of wings on his back narrow and swept upward, fluttering and exuding a rising happiness. It was matched by jubilant swirls in his unhindered field, something Nickel could only suspect lay in the very newness of his return. "Hello, Nickel, Anode, and Lug. I'm Amp."

[nerdnag]

The time has come for me to finish my philosophy bachelor's.

...Lots of ramble below. I mostly just need to get my thoughts out, but there is a plan by the end!

For those of you who were around in May, you may recall that I struggled a lot to get a sort-of-presentable draft ready for my supervisor, hoping to be able to hand the thing in before the end of the semester, and was then completely slammed down into the dirt by said supervisor when he returned the draft a few days later with... pretty strong words about it. Few of which were positive. I couldn't bring myself to read the comments he'd left in the actual document at the time, because the email was enough to bring me to tears.

Yeah.

I mean, he wasn't wrong, it was just a bit shocking to have him go from "hey, how's it going for you, the thesis treating you well? oh and here's a link to a fun video i found on the internet" one day to almost-kinda-petty critique the next. And also, I am wholly unused to disappointing teachers, supervisors, mentors or superiors of any kind. That may sound strange considering my ADHD, which should in theory have gotten me in lots of situations like that, but my entire life, I've usually managed to make use of three things that have helped immensely to get things done well and on time: 1) special interests/obsessions/hyperfocus, 2) perfectionism and performance anxiety, and 3) high IQ. Number one has helped with motivation and creative flow; number 2 has helped motivate me through shame; and number 3 has helped me "bullshit" my way through assignments/relatively easily create a coherent and acceptable final product without doing all of the actual work I should have done (...and also making the actual work I do put in a pretty good quality).

But for some reason, these tactics didn't quite work out this time. I could come up with many different ideas about why this was, but one really important part of it was probably the fact that I've been heavily overloaded with work at my job and still haven't fully recovered from the immense stress I was under from March 2022-June 2023. I might not be able to recover from that period of my life without doing some pretty extreme changes in how I live my life, and although I've been working on trying to make some of those changes over the course of the first half of this year, it hasn't been impactful enough yet.

And so in the middle of this, of trying to recover from a backlog of both work and stress, while still being under quite a lot of stress at work (although not even remotely compared to how it was a year ago), I was also trying to write a bachelor's thesis in my spare time.

Oh, and did I mention I also took on a volunteer position in my spare time from April onwards that has demanded quite a lot of time?

(Jfc why do I do this to myself. ...Because it's fun and I am bad at saying no. That's why.)

Anyway, enough rambling about what's happened and the reasons for it - long story short, I realised I wouldn't be able to finish the thesis in time, and so I told my supervisor I'd hand it in by the end of the summer instead. And wouldn't you know it, the end of summer is closing in. :)

So with the help of my partner, I managed to finally open the document containing my supervisor's comments, and rather than lose myself in complete and utter anxiety and horror over the words, we could sort of laugh over how unnecessarily harsh he was being. (I guess my supervisor actually was a bit disappointed, since he'd seen before that I was more capable than that. I don't blame him.) I also realised that it wasn't quite as bad as I had imagined, and that my life isn't actually over and done for. So yeah. (He even had a couple of positive comments for me, actually.)

Then we made a plan for how to tackle this thing. I'm going away on the 22nd of July, so the goal right now is to have a finished draft to send to my supervisor on the 21st. Then he can read it, give comments, tell me whether he gives his approval or not, and after I've made any necessary adjustments, I can hand in an opposition version by the middle of August. Since I am currently on vacation, and I do need to actually try to wind down from work as well, I've settled on working on my thesis for 3 hours each day, starting tomorrow (the 13th), and my deadline each day is noon. If I realise after this Sunday that I need more time, I'll increase it to 4 hours every day.

It should work. I know what I need to do, and my supervisor's comments are clear. I enjoy writing and doing research and I will finish this in a way that I'm proud and happy about.

So there. That's my promise to myself. I'll climb out of this hole, fill it in with new dirt, and then start building the collapsed tower of blocks up again.

[blastedking]

Hi! I hope you are doing alright.

When I first entered the Gloryhammer fandom a year ago, I genuiely thought all your art and comics were canon and made for the band, and honestly I'm still flabbergasted it's all fanmade content. So I wanted to know how you feel about all the stories you made, what place they had for you in your life and just in general what they represent for you. I hope this isn't too much of a personal question, all the efforts you put in this is fascinating to me, so I'm just curious about that.

Oh hey there! 

First of all, a bit thank you of course. Even though that notion of “thinking it is canon" would probably terrify some particular people xD But I think most do realise it isn't so eventually. I’m indeed just doing it for fun, as a hobby, trying to squeeze it into the free time I have between an actual job :’D

It’s an interesting question though, because the whole thing is naturally important to me, especially given the way I got into it. 

I got into Gloryhammer by chance in March 2020 I think, and by May that year I started the first comic. All art from that time is pretty rough since I genuinely had stopped drawing for a year at that point, because I had started a new job and was still very bitter about having to stop doing art full time due to health reasons at the time. But I made room for this. I had the idea for this story line very early on - which I always called my “5 Year ULF plan” (which I’m still almost on-track on. Going to be 6 years now because stuff got added. Like the Powerwolf comic wasn't planned X))

So, getting into Gloryhammer, kind of revitalised my love for doing this stuff. Worldbuilding, making comics, art and stories.

It’s not been a smooth ride all the way, it is unfortunate to know that some people just don’t get that this is genuinely fun. But there are enough people who follow along and appreciate it. We may not be many, Gloryhammer itself is already niche, so ULF only takes another fraction from that, but it’s never been about clout.  (Like, there was this surreal moment when I posted (1) TF2 fan art in between the ULF stuff in late 2022 and it got like 2000 notes - which was like “ah right, it’s really about fandom size xD”) 

It IS an enormous amount of work though for sure. But it’s sufficiently varied. I finished the next comic a few weeks back (starting on the 22nd this month!!) And I am right now still in the “I never ever want to draw a comic ever again” phase xD but that will fade over the next months again. In the meanwhile I can focus on writing and other art. 

On a more theme related note concerning ULF and what it means to me,

The ULF worldbuilding carries forward a lot of themes and ideas and concepts I had been conceptualising for a long time already. Like ideas about immortality, magic, even the werewolves of Hatir are very closely based on Original content I’ve written before. It also focuses a lot on the idea of characters just not fitting in, or struggling to comply with the status quo in many variations. Which is also a theme that has been running through my stories since forever. There is definitely a lot in ULF that is either important or interesting/fascinating to me personally. (One would assume so I think xD) But at the end of the day, I do it because it's fun to me and I greatly enjoy the result this far.

It’s often very grim and dark - but in the end I always hope to get it to a brighter place. I still plan for a happy end for ULF. So there is hope in that :)

Thank you so much for the question! Answer got a bit rambly x) ❤️

[meltotheany]

Top Ten Tuesday was created by The Broke and the Bookish in June of 2010 and was moved to That Artsy Reader Girl in January of 2018! hi hi, loves! i hope you’re all doing well and staying cool (or warm) in whatever hemisphere you are in! i always love doing posts like this, and just reflecting on all the good book options i have for the last six months of 2024 (which feels wild to even type)! but truly, so many good books are publishing over the last half of this year, and i can’t wait to talk about them all with you! 😍 🌞 SUMMER RELEASES ☆ The Dead Cat Tail Assassins by P. Djèlí Clark – august 6th ⤷ once again, this book is about necromancers, assassins, and a vow our mc isn’t supposed to remember, but does. it very well could be my new personality very soon! ☆ Mistress of Lies by K.M. Enright – august 13th ⤷ maybe the summer buzzword is assassins, because this queer filipino debut also stars one who is forced to work with two others to solve a magical murder mystery that could also involve vampires. this is truly the debut that i have been looking most forward to all year! ☆ The Crimson Crown by Heather Walter – august 27th ⤷ we love a tuesday birthday, and this year for mine i get a sapphic snow white dark retelling. i am obsessed with this author’s writing and her malice duology that ended up being a favorite of mine. i can’t wait for all the sapphic stories she will give us, but this birthday release one feels very special to me already. 🍁 FALL RELEASES ☆ Graveyard Shift by M.L. Rio – september 24th ⤷ i mean, once everyone saw there was a new ml rio book coming out i think the entire book community let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding. it is “only” a novella (i say this as a novella lover), but it is about a group of night shift workers trying to solve a mystery at the graveyard, involving a gravedigger, and i know it’s going to be everything. ☆ The City in Glass by Nghi Vo – october 1st ⤷ at this point, i will just beg tor for anything that nghi vo writes. but this is a brand new standalone all about angels and demons and a lost city and i just know that i am going to love it like everything else this author writes! ☆ Lore Olympus: Volume Seven (Lore Olympus, #7) by Rachel Smythe – october 1st ⤷ there is just something really happy and healing about waiting for my next preorder of lore olympus to come in. volume six  was actually my favorite so far, so i extra can’t wait for this newest installment for the fall! ☆ Spectacular (Caraval, #3.5) by Stephanie Garber – october 22nd ⤷ i cannot believe we are actually get a caraval holiday story right before the holiday season! i am so curious if we will see characters from both of her trilogies in this, and if we will get some hints for what is to come next! but i love being in the world of caraval and i can’t wait for this! ❄️ WINTER RELEASES ☆ The Teller of Small Fortunes by Julie Leong – november 5th ⤷ this is actually one of my favorite covers… ever. but is a new debut about a immigrant fortune teller, traveling from town to town with her magical cat, and i think this is the tale of them trying to help someone in one of these towns! this is going to be cozy and heartfelt and i can’t wait to read. ☆ The Songbird & the Heart of Stone (Crowns of Nyaxia, #3) by Carissa Broadbent – november 19th ⤷ i am all caught up and so ready to read this new carissa broadbent book! this third full length story is about a character we know and love from books one and two, but i am curious how i am going to enjoy it because i really didn’t love the last novella i read set in this world. but i am still excited to find out this winter! ☆ Wind and Truth (The Stormlight Archive, #5) by Brandon Sanderson – december 6th ⤷ the fifth and last (of this story arc, before a very big time jump) of the very beloved stormlight archives. i cannot believe it will be in my hands in six months, and i also can’t believe brandon has said it is the longest bo...

[milhoutvanhousen]

Hi! I'm just crossposting from AO3 (I'll leave a link below if you prefer to read there). Left in the original AN just to really hammer in that this fic (read: all my fics) is not edited much lmao. Just a little short guy from ItaSaku week that I have...vague intentions to continue...the next chapter is half written and I am really trying to actively get back into writing so....we'll see no promises k bye!

Hiiii okay so, Bad start to #itasakuweek2023 because I thought today was the 21st and not the 22nd whoops. Fair warning, I doubt I will post any of these on time, lets be real. As for “these”, my thought process was to just write without planning (lol) the first chapter of something for each prompt, rather than a true one shot, and continue whichever one people liked/whichever one I actually like writing and have more ideas for. These are in no way refined, or fleshed out, sooooo you get what you get! I haven’t written in a long time and struggled so hard with past/present/whatever tense, please go easy on me or feel free to beta, I heard it’s so much fun! lmfao okay byeeeee luv u

Sakura had never felt her face drop so quickly. She was sure that if she could see herself, she would probably laugh. Sat in the coffee shop across from the university at this moment, however, she was definitely not laughing.

“Sorry...what?” Her shocked eyes blinked exactly once as the words forced themselves out.

Sasuke’s eyes rolled and she heard him suck at his teeth, she loathed that sound from him in particular. The quiet “tsk” sound could wind her up faster than him and Naruto trying to choose what to have for dinner.

“Sakura what was I supposed to do?” His eyes met her own again, but only for a moment, they drifted off to the side as he continued. “You know I couldn’t turn down the job, my father put in a good word for me and you know how he is. Besides, you know he’s driving me crazy right now and I just need to get some space.” She scrunched her face. Another blink to stop herself from tearing up. Why did she have to feel so many feelings? Didn’t she get to be blind to some of them like the boys were? How unfair

Two more years of medical school left. It was April, and her and Sasuke had been in the process of finding a new place to stay. The three of them had decided that they would rent a house together to get some space from their families before they started at Konoha University. Sasukes parents had been...not necessarily easy going about things, but they hadn’t fought him too much about it in the end. To her surprise, they had been more at ease when they found out that Sakura would be joining and not leaving Sasuke alone with Naruto.

Well, two years had passed and nobody had died, thank god. Naruto however, had announced right after their second Christmas together that this semester would be his last staying in the three bedroom house they rented. He had finally decided to move in with Hinata. Honestly, she didn’t know who was more nervous between the two of them, both friends had their moments of panic with Sakura in private, it made her laugh when she thought about how perfect they were for each other.

And so, she and Sasuke had set out to find a two bedroom as they didn’t want to share with anybody else, but couldn’t afford to stay in the larger rental without a third. They had found a nice apartment a little further away than their current place, but still within walking distance of the Uni, a requirement on Sakura’s end. Until Sasuke had to open his dumb mouth and put a wrench in their plans. How did somebody who talked so little cause so much damage when he chose to open his mouth, where had he been getting the practice?

“Weeell, to be fair this feels pretty spontaneous on my end, you literally never told to me about any of this. You know I understand with your dad but...you also know I cant afford this place on my own, what are we supposed to do, the lease is already signed and move in is only two weeks away! What the hell Sasuke, you’re seriously stressing me out!” And he was. She had finals soon to worry about, and she hadn’t lined up a summer job yet either. Not to mention that Ino wouldnt get off her back about finding a summer romance...get real. She could think of literally ten million things more important . A flick on the forehead snapped her out of her spiral.

“Relax, Itachi will move in.” Ah, he was back to Sasuke Light(TM), full dialogue not included.

“I obviously want more information than that, get real pal.” It was her turn to roll her eyes. He loved to bait her, just to be a dick, she was sure.

“He’s back in town next month from Suna, you know how easy going he is.” She did not. Itachi...she didn’t know too much about him at all to be honest. They had of course met a few times, she had known Sasuke since she was 12, going on almost 10 years now.

While her and Naruto didn’t end up at the Uchiha house super often, they spent a guaranteed four dinners there every year. Sasuke’s birthday (of course) as well as Naruto’s, Mikoto’s (She loved throwing large parties but her birthday was the only event Fugaku allowed her to get a little crazy...so she did), and every year without fail, they also gathered to celebrate the new year. Sakuras birthday was excluded, but only because she preferred to spend it alone and everyone had (finally) accepted that. It took a few years of arguments with the boys and hushed conversations with Mikoto, but everyone caved eventually. Sakura gave a mean puppy dog face.

She shook her head lightly, she was distracting herself again.

“Fine Sasuke, there’s not much I can do about it now I guess. Can you at least pass on my number so we can text and figure some things out?” What she really wanted to know was if he would be replacing their old ratty couch with one of his own, she was dreading buying a new one and she might as well be hopeful about the situation. He smirked, probably thinking the same thing, and gave her a mock salute as he walked away.

“Everything will be fine Sakura, I’ll see you later.” She pouted into her coffee, he didn’t know that. He couldn’t know that. Her phone buzzed.

It’s Itachi. Thanks for indulging my little brother. I know you probably aren’t thrilled about things but I hope we can help each other out in the coming year.

She hummed to herself. Realistically, Itachi wasn’t the worst option. In fact, compared to Sasuke directly, maybe it would be a more relaxed year in the home area, Sasuke definitely had a party boy reputation and often made it his roommates problem. Settling on cheering up, she messaged back.

Thanks for saving me this year, I’m sure having a roommate wasn’t in your plans but I promise all I do is study and have the occasional cry of either frustration or despair, normal med student things really. Do you want to arrange a time to see the place? I get keys in a week and we can move stuff in as early as the week after.

After stuffing her phone in her bag, she slammed back the rest of her coffee and tidied up the dishes she had. No point stressing herself out more than she needed to, she supposed. She wouldn’t have to pay rent alone, and hey, maybe she’d get a new couch out of it.

When she got back to the apartment, she screamed into her pillow for a solid minute. Cheerfully.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

When she woke up way later in the evening than intended after she fell asleep watching tv, it was due to hunger. She groaned as she pulled the blankets over her head, and not quietly. The natural consequence of course, was that Naruto barged into her room, acting as if he had never heard this specific cry before (he had).

“Uhhh....you good in here Sakura?” She responded with a mumble but got up regardless.

“Yeah Naruto, I’m good. Hey, are you here long enough for dinner? I fell asleep and I’m starving.” Before Hinata was in the picture it was always a yes, but the ol’ lug had grown up and actually prioritized things now, it was touching to see.

“Ahh I’m sorry Sakura, I’m just grabbing some stuff and then me and Hinata are going to see a movie, if you want to join I’m sure she wouldn’t mind though!” And she wouldnt, but third wheeling wasn’t in the plans for the night.

“Nah, go on without me, I don’t want to interrupt. I’ll probably go grab some tempura or something quick and then head back here anyway. Say hi to Hina for me though!” He grinned and gave a wave, leaving and walking so loudly to his room. It would have impressed her if she could forget how much it annoyed her first.

After he left she decided to sprawl out on her bed for juuust a few more minutes before committing to getting up and ready to leave the house. While she didn’t have groceries and wasn’t in the mood to go get some, she did have coupons for the tempura place down the street, so that settled things.

She took her sweet time getting out the door and eventually walked to the little stand around 11. End of the semester could be stressful but she had already dealt with pretty much everything that she technically needed to so...why not have a late night out? Dressed in Sasukes old soccer joggers and a tank top she sat down and greeted the owner Daiki, who waved at her and asked if she wanted the regular. She grinned and nodded while passing the coupon over the counter. Nothing made her feel better than food, guaranteed, every time. While she waited she browsed her phone, liking photos on Instagram and generally trying to keep busy so she didn’t feel too awkward sitting by herself.

But soon, the glorious moment came. Daiki set down her favourite food in the whole world. She picked up the shrimp tempura, dunked it in the sauce and got ready to take a (massive) bite. She closed her eyes and -  heard laughter. Laughter right next to her.

Popping an eye open she looked to her right. Lo and behold, there sat Itachi, hand over his mouth as he laughed. At her! And he looked so good doing it . How many times were these damn Uchiha brothers going to leave her speechless today?

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh at you, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen you more happy than at this moment.” She set her food down (sadly) and turned to face him. “Also forgive me for joining you, I hope you don’t mind. I was out and saw you walking here earlier and I thought it would be a nice chance to talk about our living situation. Please don’t let me stop you from your first bite though, I would feel terrible.” Was he...joking with her? She didn’t hate it. With a quick nod, she picked her food back up and got right into her giant bite, not caring that someone else was present to witness it. After chewing and swallowing (maybe faster than she should have) she had a sip of water and cleared her throat while she tried to look classier than she was acting.

“While I didn’t expect to run into you here, I definitely don’t mind. Sasuke said you weren’t coming in to town until next month though?” Sasuke was the worst person for information, and it was hard to beat Naruto. A feat that personally, she wouldn’t be proud of.

“Are you in town now...permanently then? Or is this just a quick stop before you come back to stay? Or, well, sorry I guess I don’t really need to ask your whole life story right now.” More food into the mouth! Solves the problem of talking too much every time. Why was she so nervous? She knew Itachi was less touchy than Sasuke, but she still didn’t want to sour their friendship or whatever this was, before they even moved in together. Moved in together oh my god.

“Don’t worry, that’s not an intrusive question at all. Originally I had planned to leave Suna roughly within the month, but plans changed as they do and I caught a flight this morning, quite last minute. It wasn’t really in my plans, but, well, nothing much has been recently if I’m being honest.” Okay how could she not ask more after that, was he baiting her on purpose? These fucking brothers. He did look....a little...off though. It was hard to say for sure because they really didn’t know each other too well, but, he generally had a calm and in control demeanour about him. Right now however, he seemed the slightest bit rattled, or maybe surprised? It was hard to tell.

“Sasuke was right, you’re very easy to read.” Her mouth dropped open, chopstick mid air (again). He smiled, maybe to soften the blow?

“It’s not been the best couple of months for me.  A lot of...unplanned things have been happening. However, nothing to worry about. Everything will work out in the end, it always does.” He smiled softly and tilted his head and...and Sakura just hoped her blush didn’t look as strong as it felt.

“Well, I’m glad you’re so optimistic, and you can tell Sasuke to shove it, he’s not in my good books right now even though everything ‘worked out in the end’ as both of you, actually, put it.” Sakura made sure to scrunch her nose as she let out her distaste for his brother. Sasuke owed her, even if she liked Itachi and had definitely warmed up to the idea of staying with him the longer they sat together. Itachi and her had met, and even spoken before, but never as casually or as personally as this. He was often very short when at the Uchiha home, their encounters fairly brief for the most part.

“Finish up Sakura, I’ll treat you to some tea and dessert while we talk about the apartment and this coming year together.” Before he finished speaking he had waived Daiki over and paid for what she owed after her coupon, not even looking over to see if she was agreeable. He was so...confident. And a new kind of sexy, one she maybe hadn’t been subscribed to before but definitely was now. Okay this time her blush definitely stained her face, no way he didn’t notice. Did he not know what his voice and that tone...no, he couldn’t know, he was just being nice. As he always had been. Like normal Sakura, get out of your head dummy.

While she finished up her late dinner, she couldn’t stop the thoughts floating around in her head . Yes, she was definitely warming up to the idea of him.

[harapeveco]

ik no one asked me but personally i feel like the ONLY reason why the light novels even exist is because eve originally wanted to shift focus off of rei and onto tobi in knk but didnt know how to do it properly without like messing up the story or something ( even though i am fully convinced eve does NOT have this stuff written down and is literally just making it up as he goes ) so he just decided to write a spinoff series instead thats basically like an oc insert au fanfiction for knk,,,

this is not to make fun of eve though i PROMISE,,, i feel like hes just like a little kid showing off his first ever oc hes made that hes totally obsessed with and were all just the parents and family members that just need to nod and go along with whatever hes talking about / aff / lh

Oks so first of all dw bestie I know you are not making fun of him I know you are voicing your opinion and I think you are right actually he’s showing off his angsty emo OC kdkekdkkd

Now the truth is idk about enough about the manga or light novel industry so I honestly can’t say how the novels came to be tho what you say may be right. To me it feels more like he wanted to do more with Tobi and expand more on him in knk but bc knk has a story that has to be followed there are some restraints of what he can show and where can he show it so yeh it would make sense to make a spinoff or a different series that can get into that. Like I said idk enough about the manga/light novel industry but I believe it’s cheaper to write them in novels rather than a manga so ig he had the opportunity and took it y’know?

As for the feeling of “Eve going along with whatever at this point” I agree completely with you bc i remember when the manga was first announced (yeh im that old I saw this shit come out) it was promoted to be a manga with Mah characters that’s why the Mah characters even appear in the first cover…this is speculation but I feel like they were supposed to appear earlier or something but were pushed aside in favor of Tobi THO it’s kinda complicated to say bc rereading Nagi’s arc i noticed that, even if there’s some inconsistencies in it, it feels like there was some planning and feels for the most part cohesive. I remember I complained a lot back in the day about it bc it didn’t make sense but now that the arc is completed it does! The current arc tho….I’m not so sure like it makes sense too for the most part but so far so many things are left unexplained that it makes me wonder if he really wrote down at least some of it or if he texts Newo at 2 am to tell them the idea he had so they can draw it 😭😭😭

The time line is kinda messed up to me it’s been 3 years after all so if someone can help I would appreciate it very much, anyway my theory is that yeh Mah characters were meant to appear earlier and that Tobi was actually meant to be a character early on too but just got way more popular than Eve expected. Going back to the time line knk was released on April 15th 2020 and Tobi appeared a month later on May 15th 2020 HOWEVER the int MV came out exactly 7 days after that chapter on May 22nd 2020…so like I said I could have the time line messed up bc it’s been years but like i remember that chapter coming out and me and a lot of people being excited about him appearing but technically his MV wasn’t out yet like I feel we all knew him and that so I wonder if it was bc around that time Eve started to promote him a lot? I know that the reason why int even exists is bc Mariyasu made a mini MV of the song I think and people liked it so much both them and Eve went with it but yeh…just wanted to point this out bc if it was popularity based if they put him bc the MV was insanely popular then it would make more sense that the character of the MV came before the one in the manga and that the MV’s influence put him there but he came before??? Idk besties if someone can help me with this one…

Anyway yeh I just feel like Tobi got too popular and was the one appearing in fanarts, official arts, merch and all that stuff and with time Eve just…probably started seeing him in a different light and started caring for him more. Like I said idk anything about the manga industry but I also think that when it comes to Rei it has to be harder to do something with him bc I assume the magazine has some ownership over him I feel Eve can’t use him as freely but that also wouldn’t explain the Tobi case bc even after knk and the int novels came out that could put some restraints on his usage he still was marketed as he always has been so…I really don’t know all I know is that most we have on Rei that is not knk is a few promotional drawings made for the magazine and that one drawing Taiga did for the app that was just dropped there and disappeared into the ether when the app died

It’s really sad bc Rei as a character has potential…we could had a soft boyo that the more he learns about his missing memories and the more fucked up things he experiences the more he changes as a person and the more he loses himself. The very famous phrase “find me before I eat myself” from int I always interpreted it as “find me before I lose myself” and like idk how to explain it but it fits not only Tobi but Rei too???? Like it works???? The fact that his memories are fucked up and his past is fucked up and everyone he loves is getting fucked up is perfect to use in this concept and Eve is not doing anything with it. Like literally Rei has no personality other than being friends with Yukito, not knowing shit about anything and lowkey not liking Tobi that much and like that’s all I can think about him and it frustrates me! He can be more! He can do more! But no! It’s just Tobi! It’s only Tobi!

Anyway I won’t make this any more longer I think I ranted enough so yeh you are completely right anon he just likes his angsty emo OC a lot and we’ll have to nod and go along with it

[slasher-smasher]

Beyond the Bad Room - The Aches We Feel

Overall I am happy with how Cassidy was written but the interaction with HL I struggled lol. I deeply apologize for the flip flopping of POVs near the end. Dialog and getting into character are not my strong suits. Getting better though. :) Hopefully the whiplash isn't to bad.

I also have come to realize that the timeline is super fucked. I was under the impression that his b-day speech took place in Feb on the 22nd. BUT I must of gotten mixed up because it was actually in July lol. oops. Oh well. Thanks @blindmagdalena correcting my misinformation.

This is not beta'd. All mistakes are due to my lack paying attention in school.

THANK YOU TO THE ONES WHO LiKE AND ARE HOPEFULLY ENJOYING MY WRITING!! You guys seriously help my brain and heart.

AO3 for easier reading and for previous chapters.

Warnings: Emotional and physical cheating, emotional manipulation, unprotected p in v sex, really bad smut scenes because the author is a loser who can't write porn 🥲, probably OOC Homelander, possessive behavior, Homelander is his own warning.

Words: 7,119

Chapter Summary: Cassidy thinks about the past year and with her relationship with Ian growing more brittle as days go by her loneliness increases. She misses John terribly and the life he brought into her day with his charming smiles and jokes. She was on the brink of desperation till she learned some shocking news and watched his speech on the television that she finally decides to bite the bullet and go visit him. Even if he still hates her.

Chapter 4

It had been a strange and tumultuous year for Cassidy. After her confrontation with John, she felt like a shell of her former self. The following morning, she woke up feeling drained and dried out from all the tears and breakdowns she had before finally passing out. She couldn't help but cringe at the sight of her broken marble countertop; she knew she needed to control her anger better.

After quickly having the counter repaired in time before Ian came home, she felt like a part of her had been altered or even destroyed. John's departure felt like he had used lasers on her heart to cut himself free. The impact of his leaving was overwhelming and worrisome for Cassidy. She had developed a close bond with John, but his absence shouldn't leave her feeling so empty inside. In an attempt to distract herself, she focused on work and her relationship with Ian now that she had more time without John's frequent visits to her workplace. However, as Ian began leaving for longer periods of time, Cassidy struggled to make their relationship grow. His absence only made her feel more lonely.

She felt awful. Everyone at work carried on with their daily routines, oblivious to her personal struggles. Work was the only stable aspect of her life now. Don't get her wrong, she still enjoyed her job, but she longed for more personal connections. Meeting new people and engaging in conversations was not her strong suit; she often came off as quirky or awkward. It was difficult for her when people tried to get to know her better, especially when she was trying so hard to appear normal and not reveal her true identity as a centenarian supe with PTSD.

She kept reminding herself to ignore the TV during her rounds and not even glance at it. But every time she heard his voice, she couldn't resist taking a peek. She wanted to know how he was coping with everything. He must be struggling with the backlash of being in a relationship with a Nazi. Every time someone asked him the same question over and over, another crack appeared in his façade. Part of her wanted to judge and condemn him for his choices, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. At the end of the day, he was just a man who fell in love with a woman. She believed that John truly thought he could change Karla. He wanted a family so badly that he convinced himself her past and beliefs didn't matter and would do anything to make that dream come true.

It was the later months that were bizarre. Not only was she missing her favorite perfume, but her neighbors were suddenly scarce when they normally would be greeting her with a friendly hello as she runs into them when checking mail or on her way to work in the morning. Now when she does see them, they mutter a quiet greeting not even making eye contact. The only thing that made her brush off her concern was when Ian was home. She didn't understand why he was so busy all the time now but when he did come home she put most of her attention into being with him. Though even when they made love it seemed like he wasn't completely there with her either.

The loneliness was the driving force behind her resorting to self-pleasure. She felt like she was losing her sanity as thoughts and fantasies of John invaded her mind while she touched herself in bed or in the shower. Her craving for intimacy and connection, combined with John's scent she finds herself immersed in all over her bed that she knows she is hallucinating leading to moments of release that end in tears of shame. How could she betray Ian like this, and even worse, use John in such a way when he wanted nothing to do with her? There was no excuse for her actions.

February was the cherry on top of the cake. Every other day, she would find her favorite tea perfectly made and a breakfast bagel waiting for her. And then there were sweet and funny notes tied to roses and sweets left on her desk. Her coworkers thought it was Ian's romantic gestures for Valentine's season, and she blushed at the idea that he was making an effort. But when she saw what was left on her desk on Valentine's Day morning, she realized it wasn't him. While flowers may not be anything special to some on this supposedly most romantic day of the year, these were no ordinary flowers. They were rare and difficult to grow, making them even more meaningful.

Himalayan Blue Poppies

Ian or anyone else could never understand the significance these flowers held for her. Who would have guessed? These were the same flowers her mother used to lovingly tend to when she was a little girl, always saying they reminded her of Cassidy's bright blue eyes. Despite all the hard work it took to make them thrive, it was always worth it when she could place them in her daughter's hair and see her face light up with a smile.

Cassidy felt tears well up in her eyes. Who—

Then the answer struck her like a bolt of lightning.

John.

He was the only one who knew about them. But he was just a child when she first brought them along, and he always thought they were silly to keep around. Why would he leave these here now, especially on Valentine's Day? The small tokens of endearment suddenly took on a new significance as her thoughts raced through possible reasons for his sudden appearance after an entire year of silence, or at least mostly silence. What could he possibly be trying to do?

Abby, the chief nurse, called out from the doorway. "Wow, those flowers are stunning! Bishop, you're a lucky woman. I wish my partner was as romantic as yours."

"Yeah...lucky." Cassidy absentmindedly acknowledged. She was so lost in a whirlwind of confusion and frustration. But there was also a strong feeling that made her cheeks warm. Affection.

A week later Cassidy was at home reading the latest medical journal magazine while Ian was watching the news. Letting out a noise of displeasure as he tossed the remote on the coffee table in front of him after muting the tv.

"I am beyond fed up with this incessant talk about Homelanders damn birthday celebration. It's the same damn thing every freaking year. We're supposed to worship him just because he's a superhuman jerk? Please. Vought is nothing but a corrupt organization, and they let these supes do whatever the hell they want. It's revolting." Ian slammed his hands down on the table in frustration, letting out an exasperated groan.

Cassidy was about to tell him to not take his frustrations out on the furniture even if she agreed about Vought when she saw the headline over the muted news anchor.

"Turn the sound back on Ian." Cassidy quickly closed her magazine, eyes glued to the screen.

"What? Why?" Ian did as he was told and was shocked as the anchors voice revealed that Stormfront has committed suicide.

"Holy fucking balls." Cassidy could only watch as the leaked footage of EMT's were transporting a body bag into the ambulance.

"Maybe it's fake?" Ian asked while fishing out his phone from his pocket.

"They wouldn't fake this. Especially on Jo-Homelanders birthday." Cassidy quickly covered her slip up. She would have thought to feel happiness or excitement over the fact that the bitch is finally dead and gone. But she only felt sadness. Not over Klaras death, bloody hell no. She was thinking about how John is taking the news. Were they still together? He claimed to have loved her so this would be a huge blow. God why can't he just get a break?

Ian left to make a phone call as Cassidy sat there trying to organize her thoughts and conflicted and muddled feelings.

That night as Ian was washing dishes after dinner Cassidy flicked on the tv to show the celebration. She needed to see. Even if he was just acting. She ignored Ian's scoff as she sat down on the couch.

Luckily, she arrived after Supersonic's musical opener. She observed A-Train, clad in a confusing outfit, welcoming the new co-captains to the stage - the fact that there were now two amazed her. Cassidy took a deep breath and leaned forward slightly, hoping for a better view. He seemed fine, smiling a the camera, engaging with Starlight when appropriate. As Starlight wished him a happy birthday and introduced her cause, Cassidy lost interest and focused on John. When an audience member shouted about his Nazi being dead, she witnessed as his composure shattered. He took charge of the stage, venting and boasting about how he is superior in every way.

She sensed his intense fury and his exhaustion with being manipulated through the television screen. This was where he thrived, captivating audiences with his fervor and charm. As far as breakdowns go, this was one of the most contained ones she had seen from him. She couldn't help but feel proud of him. His typical breakdowns often resulted in casualties and destroyed structures.

Ian left for work, claiming to have new information about Karla's death. He seemed ashamed for breaking his promise to stick around he made on their Valentine's date. Cassidy didn't feel as hurt anymore. She smiled, kissed him, and reassured him she wasn't upset. She was going for a run anyway, so it wasn't a problem.

Technically she was planning on going for a run but the idea of visiting John at the tower was incredibly tempting. She needed an explanation for the gifts and flowers. She could at least tell him she was proud of him for standing up for himself.

The lobby of the tower was quiet and deserted, as it was late at night. She scurried across the entrance, her thoughts filled with regret for not planning this better. She cursed herself for being so eager to see him one more time. How was she going to get past security? She couldn't simply walk up and say, "I'm a friend of Homelander's, let me in." She mentally berated herself for her foolishness.

The disinterested looking security guard gave her a blank look as he asked for ID.

Cassidy fumbled with her bag to retrieve the item as she thought of what to say when they asked for her reason to be here, this late at night.

She handed over her card, the guard swiftly sliding it through a scanner.

"Oh. You're on the VIP list Dr. Bishop," The guard read the screen, surprise coloring his voice. "Please use this elevator to head on up. Homelander is on the ninety-ninth floor. Have a nice night." The guard looked slightly less bored as he handed back her ID.

"Uhh, thanks." Cassidy replied as she awkwardly headed to the elevators the guard indicated to.

VIP? John put me on a list? Did he forget to take it off when he left? ,she thought as she pressed the shiny button to the correct floor.

She had enough questions about John to fill several books. This man just might be the death of her.

As she arrived on ninety-nine she once again felt stupid for not asking where his apartment was located. The tower was huge, housing many supes on one floor.

She debated on going back down and asking for clarification but luckily one of Johns teammates walked by as Cassidy peaked around a corner. It was Queen Maeve.

"Umm 'ello? Is it possible for you to show me where Homelanders' apartment is? I am kinda lost in this maze." Cassidy gave Maeve a wobbly smile as she clenched her hands onto the sleeves of her pink oversized sweater. After a moment Cassidy didn't think the woman was going to help her since she just stared. Then Maeve lifted her arm to point to the direction Cassidy needed to go.

Giving her thanks and heading towards that way she heard Maeve mutter "Great. Another Brit." as she walked away.

Another? Well I guess that isn't strange. She meets all sorts of people, she thought as she walked up to huge double doors.

Her heart started to pound as she stopped and stared at the solid wood. She wouldn't be surprised if he could hear it from inside. She rose her fist, raping softly on the door. When she didn't hear anything, she tried again but with more force. Still no answer. Maybe he is still at the celebration? She doubted it, after his outburst but where else would he be?

This would be the time that she should cut her loss and head back home but the burning need for answers and to see him up close after so long was too strong. Steeling herself she tried the door to find it unlocked.

Why would the world's most terrifying supe need to have locked doors?, she mused.

She hesitated for a moment, then pushed the door open and stepped inside the spacious apartment. The first thing that struck her was the lack of any personal items. There were no family photos, no mementos, no signs of personality at all. It was as if no one lived here — or rather, as if the person who did live here wanted nothing to do with his personal life. The huge room was more like a museum than a home. She didn't understand how a place can have so much in it while still looking painfully sterile.

Cassidy couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness as she walked through the empty apartment. It made her wonder what kind of life John led when he was alone. Was this what he wanted, or was it just a matter of necessity due to the brand that Vought exerts on its supes?

She couldn't shake the sadness that weighed down her heart. She walked over to the attached balcony that faced the city, hoping to catch a glimpse of the nighttime skyline. Hopefully he would see her when he flew home as she stood there, taking in the twinkling lights below.

Homelander didn't even bother with waiting until the very end of the celebration special when he took off into the sky. He felt like the world was closing in on him after finally letting out all the built up frustration and anger with every fucking thing. He WAS better. He didn't need some fucking corporate prick tell him what to do. He was a god damned gift to earth. They should be bowing down to HIM.

Lost in his own thoughts, Homelander almost didn't notice Ian's car speeding off as if there was an emergency. Homelander flew off to Cassidy's apartment faster. With her being alone, it was the perfect chance for him to "reunite" with her. However, his plan was thwarted when he found out she wasn't there. It annoyed and disappointed him to realize she was absent from the lack of a heartbeat in the apartment.

Where in the fuck could she be this late? She better not be on a stupid fucking run. I swear I'm going to tie her to the god damned bed , he panicked as he flew to her usual place she liked to run.

Not finding her after a quick zip through the park just bolstered him into a borderline hysteria. He hated that he didn't know where she was. She could have been taken and maybe she left the country again.

No. No she wouldn’t do that. Not again. Not to me.

Scenarios ran through his head, getting worse than the last. He flew up to his balcony at Vought Tower ready to tear apart his penthouse with his wrath when he was hit by a scent that always immediately calmed him. It wasn't her usual scent due to him keeping the little bottle safely in a drawer that was right next to his bed but it affected him the same. The revolving supply of panties due to losing her mouthwatering taste and smell helped him get off on nights he couldn't visit.

Homelander whipped his head around the large open area to find her, just to see a balled up pink puff on the large couch in front of his massive tv. He let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding and walked over to her. She lay there, her brown locks spread across her arms that were serving as a makeshift pillow. Her legs were tucked into her oversized sweater, trying to keep warm in the chilly room. He couldn't help but smile at how adorable she looked, like a fluffy little puffball. The cold never bothered him, but he was glad she was cozy and comfortable.

What was she doing here? Not that he was complaining. Something deep inside of him purred at the fact that she felt safe in his home enough that she fell asleep. Was she waiting for him? How long was she here? He wanted to wake her up for answers but he also saw the chance to see her up close and vulnerable.

He removed his gloves and lowered himself quietly beside her. He could hear the steady rhythm of her heartbeat and feel the soft exhalations brushing against his cheek as she breathed. Her face was so close that he had to resist the urge to kiss her, like a prince waking his princess in a fairytale. He took a moment to study her peaceful expression, imagining what it would be like to have her next to him every night and morning, as his own when they were finally together.

With a deep breath, Homelander reached out and gently brushed the side of her face, his fingers reverberating with the rhythm of her heart. He brushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead, his fingers lingering for a second longer than necessary.

He cleared his throat, trying to sound gentle and reassuring as he whispered her name. "Cassidy, wake up kitten..." he said, stroking her hair with his fingers. She was so close to him, her body trembled at the sound of his voice. Her lavender eyes fluttered open, her gaze cloudy and confused.

"John?" she murmured, her voice hoarse and sleepy. “Oh balls. I fell asleep.”

Homelander stood up as she took her legs out of her cocoon and sat up straight on the couch. Her face dusted with a light blush as she combed her wild hair in embarrassment.

"I didn't mean to. I was planning on waiting for you till you got home but I guess I was more tired than I thought." She explained as nervously glanced at his face to see how upset he was but was relieved to see a small smile on his face.

What she didn't mention was the scent of him when she sat down felt like felt like it pulled all the exhaustion from stress and the past months to the surface and she couldn't help but rest her head on the plush arm of the couch. She was out like a light.

Homelander settled onto the couch, as Cassidy fidgeted with the hem of her sweater, gathering the courage to bring up the argument they had. But before she could speak, Homelander let out a heavy sigh.

"It's okay, Kitten," he said softly, reaching out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, her blush darkening from the pet name. "I really missed you." His voice was filled with an tenderness that made Cassidy's heart flutter.

As she looked into his piercing blue eyes, Cassidy felt a rush of emotions swirling inside her. She knew they needed to talk about what had happened between them, about the hurtful words that had been exchanged. But right now, in this quiet moment with him, all she wanted was to bask in his presence and forget about their troubles.

Homelander sensed the turmoil in Cassidy's eyes and decided to steer the conversation away from what he knew she wanted to have.

"You know, my life is really going to shit lately," he said, his voice tinged with a hint of vulnerability.

Cassidy's brows furrowed in surprise. She hadn't expected him to open up so easily. "What do you mean?" she asked softly, curiosity lacing her words.

Homelander ran a hand through his hair, looking out into the dimly lit room. "Everything feels like it's falling apart. The pressure from Vought, the public scrutiny...it's suffocating." He turned to her, his gaze searching hers for understanding.

"I saw your speech," Cassidy said while turning her body to face him. "I was pretty impressed that you didn’t burn the whole building down.”

Homelander let out a hollow chuckle at her attempt to lighten the mood. "I thought about it," he admitted with a wry smile, but his expression quickly turned serious again.  "Sometimes...sometimes I feel like I'm just a puppet on strings, dancing to Vought's tune. And no matter what I do, it's never enough. Then when I actually do something, I am persecuted for it."

He shook his head, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. "No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, there will always be those who fear me, who want to tear me down. It's like I'm constantly fighting against the world." Tears welled up in Homelander's eyes, his facade of invincibility crumbling before Cassidy's eyes.

She reached out and placed a comforting hand on his arm, her touch gentle and reassuring. "I can't even imagine how difficult that must be for you," she said softly, her heart aching for the turmoil he was going through.

They sat in silence for a moment until Cassidy slid the hand that was on his arm down and turned his hand so she could settle her palm against his warm one. She looked into his eyes as she took a deep breath.

Cassidy didn't want to argue again, so she carefully chose her words. "I'm not sorry she's gone, but I am sorry for the hurt it caused you." Her hand was held tight by his as he gave a comforting squeeze, understanding exactly who she was referring to.

Her voice trembles with emotion as she reaches out to touch his face, her unwavering gaze burning into his soul. "You are not alone, John," she whispers fiercely. "I know you're incredibly strong, and I'm not drawn to you because you're broken. I am here because I care for you in a way that I have never cared for anyone else before. This past year without you has been god awful and difficult."

He brought her hand to his lips and pressed a tender kiss against her knuckles, his heart pounding with a mixture of excitement and longing. "It’s always been you Cassidy," he whispered, his voice raw with emotion. “I missed you so much too. Everyone who claims to love me always come with ulterior fucking motives but not you.”

Cassidy's breath caught in her throat as she felt the warmth of his lips on her skin, sending shivers down her spine. She gazed at him, her heart overflowing with a newfound sense of closeness and understanding. In that moment, all the tension and uncertainty that had clouded their relationship seemed to dissipate, leaving behind only a deep connection that bound them together.

Their eyes locked in an unspoken agreement, a silent promise of mutual support and comfort. Cassidy could feel a whirlwind of conflicting feelings churning within her—loyalty to Ian, affection for John, and the overwhelming fear of making a choice that would shatter someone's heart. As they sat there, hands intertwined, a sense of peace washed over her, a sense of belonging that she had been missing for so long.

Without breaking eye contact, Homelander reached out to cup Cassidy's face in his hands, his touch gentle yet possessive. His thumb traced her cheekbone, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. Cassidy closed her eyes at the sensation, almost letting herself surrender to the moment but there was one thing that she needed an answer to before she destroyed the trust in a good man who she thought held her heart.

“How did you know those flowers were my favorite?” She asked as she opened her eyes and furrowed her brows.

Homelander blinked in surprise at the sudden and unexpected question. He furrowed his brow, trying to make sense of it before realizing what she was asking. Without hesitation, he pulled her onto his lap, not wanting to stay in the uncomfortable position they were in. His hands returned to her face which had now turned pink and heated.

“You kept bringing them in for months. The same flower every time. I wasn’t exactly sure they were your favorite but I knew you really liked them.” Homelander gave her a hesitant smile. Worried that he got it wrong and the flowers were a mistake.

“They are. My favorite, I mean. My mum used to grow them and they remind me of her.” Cassidy reassured him with a smile of her own. She never talked about her mother before. “I’ll tell you more about her later. Thank you and I loved them”

Homelander's eyes softened at the knowledge that his small gesture had meant so much to her. "I'm glad," was all he said, feeling a sense of pride.

Reaching up, she gently placed her hands on his shoulders, leaning her face towards his. Their eyes locked in a passionate embrace, his gaze never leaving hers. He could feel her breath on his lips, and the anticipation was almost too much to bear. Taking a deep breath, he closed the gap between them, their lips finally meeting in a tender, exploratory kiss.

As their lips touched, Cassidy felt a surge of electricity course through her entire body, like nothing she had ever experienced before. Her hands gripped his suit, pulling him closer to her as their tongues danced and explored each other's mouths. He could taste the peaches that she had earlier, and it only added to the passion that was rapidly building between them.

The months of lack of touch made her desperate for his growing passion. She felt his hands slide down her neck and shoulders to find their way under her sweater and top to feel the warm flesh of her sides.

Cassidy let out a small sound of pleasure as his hands explored her skin, sending shivers down her spine. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him even closer, wanting to feel every inch of him against her. He responded by sliding his hands over her waist, feeling the curve of her hips and the softness of her stomach before reaching around to unclasp her bra, loosening their binding.

His fingers grazed the sensitive skin of her back, making her shiver once again. He gently cupped her breasts in his hands, his thumbs brushing over her nipples, eliciting a soft moan from her. Homelander couldn't believe how much he had yearned for this moment, and now that it was happening, he knew it was everything he had been dreaming of and more.

Cassidy leaned in to place suckling kisses along his neck as he tilted his head back, closing his eyes and letting out a deep groan as she pressed against his growing arousal through their clothes. Despite the layers of fabric between them, it was an incredible feeling.

“F-fuck, I can smell you. So fucking soaked.” He commented through clenched teeth.

Cassidy flushed at the sudden vulgarity that seeped into his voice, feeling a wave of arousal crash over her. He was right, she was drenched, her core tightening in anticipation of the pleasure that was to come. She pulled back enough to look into his eyes, just pools of black with thin blue rings around them.

"I want to feel you," she whispered, her voice barely audible under heavy breaths. Her hands tugged at the opening of the top of his suit.

Homelander felt a surge of anxiety, his heart racing faster than it had in years. “W-wait, Kitten,” he managed to gasp out, his voice shaky. “I… I don’t really… I’m not like…”

Cassidy paused, her hand still clutching the fabric. She cupped his face with the other, making him look at her while she tried to sound heartfelt as she could, “ John, I know. It doesn’t take away how attracted I am to you. You’re perfect. I want to feel the real you.”

She leans forward to place soft kisses on his forehead and cheeks then parting with a quick but deep kiss before pulling away. Watching as his throat bobbed as he swallowed the lump in his throat at the affectionate actions. He still felt a little insecure but he trusted her. She wouldn’t laugh or mock him. He hated that he didn’t look like what the suit displays to people.

Nodding his consent, he took a deep breath and prepared himself for the moment of truth. With a swift motion, she pulled the suit apart, revealing his true form beneath. He shut his eyes and tensed as she dragged the clothing off his shoulders and he pulled his arms out of their protective layer. He hated feeling vulnerable. He basically lived in that suit. Never taking it off during his past relationships, even during sex. They didn’t mind or seem to care. But those women weren’t Cassidy. This wasn’t some fuck to take the edge off. She wanted the real him. She wanted him and not the propaganda Vought loved to showcase and drag around on a leash.

As the suit fell away, revealing the powerful and yet plain figure beneath, Homelander felt a mix of emotions. Fear, anxiety, and yet an odd sense of liberation. Cassidy’s touch was all he needed to ease those fears, her warm fingers gently caressing his skin as if she had been doing this for years.

She slowly traced the lines of his torso, brushing against the hair. As she moved her hands, she felt the beating of his rapidly pulsating heart. His chest rising and falling in deep, ragged breaths, a stark contrast to the pristine, perfection he presented to the world.

Cassidy leaned in, inhaling the unique, musky scent of his skin, a smell that was all John. She could have sworn she heard his heart synchronizing with hers, matching her own heartbeat. With a tender smile, she met his gaze, a silent promise that she would never let him feel insecure or alone.

"You're beautiful," she whispered, reaching up to caress his face with both hands. "And you're mine."

Homelander couldn't believe what he was hearing. The words he had always longed to hear, but never expected to hear from someone.

She quickly pulled her own sweater and top over her head and tossed it to the side. He watched, transfixed, as she shrugged off her bra, revealing a breathtaking sight. Her breasts were perfect, full and round, with dangerous curves that spoke of passion and desire. His hand trembled slightly as it reached up to cup them, pinching the pink nubs.

He leaned forward and took one of Cassidy's nipples into his mouth, gently sucking and nibbling, eliciting a soft moan from her. Her hips bucked under him, her body arching in response to his touch. Her palm traced down his back, feeling his strength practically vibrate under his hot skin.

Cassidy broke the connection, her breath coming in short gasps. Immediately surging forward to bring their lips together in a fiery kiss. Both of them let out sounds of pleasure as they worked on unbuttoning and unbuckling each other's pants. Slowly, Homelander slid his hand into Cassidy's jeans and felt the wetness that had been driving him insane ever since he had first smelled her all those months ago.

Cassidy moaned softly into his mouth, breaking the kiss to whisper, "I need you, John. Please."

With urgency, they quickly stood up, he removed his pants and boots and she slipped off her own, stepping out of them and into his comforting embrace. Cassidy ran her fingers through Homelander's hair, pulling his head down to meet her lips again in a passionate, fervent kiss. Her breasts were pressed against his chest, her nipples hard and sensitive against his skin. She couldn’t get enough.

Homelander picked Cassidy up, cradling her in his strong arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer, their bodies fusing together as one. He carried her to his bedroom with a gentle ease, as if she were the most precious thing in the world. The room was dim, lit only by a few lights casting shadows on the walls.

He laid her down gently, her body pressed against the cool fabric, her skin glowing in the low light. He looked into her eyes, filled with love and desire. Her bruised lips were parted, her breath coming in soft, ragged gasps. With a soft growl, he reached out, his hands tracing the curve of her hips and the soft skin of her stomach. His fingers danced lower, teasing and prodding until he found the wet heat he craved.

Cassidy's hips bucked at his touch, having to grasp his wrist to stop him from teasing her further. The emptiness became painful as she whined and pleaded for him to be inside her. He sucked in a breath as he took in the desperation in her face. As much as he wanted to bring her over the edge repeatedly with his mouth, his aching cock was getting hard to ignore. They had the rest of their lives to explore.

Nodding, their bodies melted into each other, his rock-hard cock pressed against her wet pussy, seeking entrance. They kissed feverishly, tongues entwining and exploring each other's mouths as their hands roamed and touched every inch of skin that was exposed. Guiding his erection to her entrance and slowly, deliberately pushing inside her. They gasped at the sensation, her warm muscles clenched around him, pulling him deeper. He thrusted into her, again and again, each stroke more powerful than the last.

She wrapped her legs around his waist, pulling him closer, their bodies fused together in this intimate connection. Their moans and gasps filled the room, mingling with the sound of their skin slapping together. His hands gripped her hips, guiding her up and down his shaft, setting a rhythm that had them both on the edge of ecstasy. She met each thrust with her own, her hips moving in perfect harmony with his, their bodies undulating in a dance of passion and desire.

Their breaths came in ragged gasps, their bodies generating intense heat, her skin glistening in the low light. He watched her face as she peaked, her eyes rolling back in her head, his name reverberating throughout his large penthouse. Her body convulsed under his, milked him for every ounce of pleasure he had to give. And then, with one final thrust, he tucked his head into her neck as he felt the wave of his own release, his cock twitching as he spilled his seed deep inside her fluttering pussy.

They collapsed onto the bed, breathless and spent, their bodies still joined together. For a moment, they just laid there, basking in the afterglow of their passion. Cassidy's fingers traced patterns on Homelander's back, her eyes locked onto his, filled with love and gratitude.

"I love you," she whispered, her voice soft and vulnerable.

Homelander swallowed hard, his throat feeling raw from the emotion. He pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her, and whispered back, "I love you too. So fucking much."

They laid there occasionally exchanging kisses and I love yous, enjoying each other's company. Cassidy had her head on his chest listening to the steady beat of his heart and basking in the heat that he seems to constantly generate. She nibbled on her bottom lip as she debated if bringing up something was worth disrupting their cozy moment.

“I know you were there during my run after Thanksgiving. I saw you with those two guys in the tunnel.” she heard him inhale sharply and pause his trailing up and down on her back. He didn’t say anything as she lifted her head to rest her chin on his sternum as she looked at him.

“I want to thank you. Even though I could have taken care of myself.”

“Then why didn’t you stay?” He asked as he resumed his caress. Relaxing when she didn��t seem upset with him.

“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me and were just doing your rounds. I left right when the second guy started to run. Didn’t know if you knew I was there and messed up your night.” She gave him a sheepish smile and brushed back his hair from his eyes while stretching to press a kiss to his lips.

She would never admit to him that his display of strength and savagery made her come hard in the shower when she got home. His ego is big enough thank you very much. That, and she shouldn’t have been turned on by someone’s death in the first place. Some doctor she was.

"I will always keep you safe. Everyone else can go to hell. You are my main concern, above everything and everyone else. Do you understand? I would destroy the entire world if it meant saving you." He gently traced her cheekbone with his thumb while holding her face in his hand. His eyes were filled with a fierce devotion and unwavering seriousness.

His confession should have made her worry and be a bit unnerved with how possessive he was but instead it made her blood heat with the feeling of being needed so completely. All she could do was nod and sit up to throw her leg over him to straddle his hips. The fire that he lit with his words reigniting her passion and his touch on her hyper-sensitive skin shot tingles throughout her body.

They made love again, lost in each other till the sky started to lighten around the horizon as morning approached. They separated while panting hard from the intense activity. Cassidy felt boneless and high off of endorphins and oxytocin. When she finally noticed the sun rising she shot up to look at the clock on his nightstand that read seven o’clock in bright red numbers.

“Oh fucking balls! It’s morning already?! Oh God. I need to get home. Fuck, fuck, fuck." she panicked as she shot out of the bed to gather her clothes then remembering they were by the couch in the living room. Not even bothering with becoming embarrassed with her nudity she ran into the living room and started to haphazardly throw on her things.

Arms suddenly circled around her to stop her jerky movements, “Hey, heeey. Where’s the fire? Why do you need to rush home so quickly? I thought we were having a great time! What did I do wrong? Don’t you wanna stay?” Homelander’s tone held a bit of hurt and sadness as he pulled Cassidy into his naked body. “Don’t you wanna stay with me?”

The pain in his voice made Cassidy drop her shirt as she quickly turned around in his arms, “Oh baby, I do,” she kissed him deeply while cradling his face, “ You didn’t do anything wrong love! I really want to stay in bed with you all day, John. That sounds so bloody fantastic but I can’t.”

She saw the disappointment in his eyes before he started to close off as he loosened his arms around her which made her hold onto him tighter.

“I promise I’ll be back later today! I just need to—”

Homelanders' hard tone cut her off, “Go back to Ian huh? I see. Get your jollies off with me then crawl back to the Chip Berlet wanna be. Fucking typical. I can’t believe I fell for it when you said you loved me. If you did, you wouldn’t—” It was her turn to shut him up by yanking his head down into a heated kiss before separating.

“No! No, you don’t get to throw your tantrum and say hurtful things to me. I was going to say I need to go to work since I am on duty today and need to change my clothes before you automatically assumed. You overgrown prat of a man. How could you think that I would just come here for a fuck? I absolutely love you John.” she panted in anger as she held his watery gaze as tears gathered in his eyes.

“Yeah, but you are still with him. You’re mine Cassidy. Utterly and completely mine . I don’t share with others Kitten.” Homelander growled as he retightened his arms around her in possessiveness.

“I will talk and end things with him when I see him tonight. I promise. Just please trust me. I have never lied to you. I can’t be in a relationship with you if you don’t trust me John. I would never hurt you on purpose.” she pleaded as she soothed his hair back and tucked her head under his chin. “Please.”

Homelander tightened his lips in displeasure but gave her a small sad nod as she pulled away to wipe away the moisture before they fell. She maneuvered him into their special hug. He took deep lungfuls of her scent to calm down when he pressed his face into the crook of her neck.

When she managed to have him let her go, she pressed soft kisses over his face after each article of clothing was put on, then she kissed him one last time after promising again to come back after work then left.

Homelander felt a little better knowing she wasn’t going back to Ian but was still upset that she wasn’t here with him. He was looking forward to spending the day with her. Watching movies and cuddling on the couch. He wanted her to be there when he turned on the news to see what people thought of his speech last night. He probably tanked in even more points. He was just so fucking pissed and done with everything.

Not giving a damn about his nakedness he slumped on the couch where her clothes were piled and turned on the tv to wallow in his self-pity.

[randoimago]

Life Updates because it's been awhile:

I live in the country and we have a well instead of using nasty city water. Well the well ended up having some issues and we don't have water (we've been buying gallons and stuff at the store, don't worry). That's been a time.

I began therapy last Monday (22nd) and had my 2nd session an hour ago. I think it's going well? Idk, my therapist seems nice but I'm going to give it a couple more sessions before deciding.

I know the queue/draft lists are v low, but I don't want to open my askbox just yet. My motivation just keeps fluctuating (I blame my depression) and I do want to finish the 2 things in my draft (one of them is technically finished, I just need to transfer it from my phone to tumblr which is difficult cause I prefer my laptop and don't use my phone a lot).

I binged Helluva Boss and am watching Hazbin Hotel. I love both of those shows and demand compensation for the emotional damage I've been given. I also started watching Initial D because my therapist recommended it and I absolutely love the music (I was losing my mind that it took 4/5 episodes to get to the first race because the anticipation was that high).

I preordered P3 Reload. No idea when I'll actually have time to play it, but I'm going to have it and hopefully be able to write Makoto content once I've played through

And I believe that is it with my life updates? Just some good, bad, frustrating things but I'm trying to take it a day at the time. I was recommended to try meditation from my therapist so excuse me while I go find some nice ASMR to listen to and relax

(also, I appreciate you all and hope that you're taking care of yourselves!! Life is hard, but you're amazing. Please hydrate and eat something if you haven't. I'm proud of you <333)

[deliciouskeys]

13 for the OTP thing

13- Write about your ship celebrating one of the members birthdays. From the soft OTP prompts.

I am so late in answering this, Anon-who-may-not-even-see-this, mostly because I’ve been wanting to write a full-fledged answer to this prompt but kept getting stumped by how to approach it, and had at least four different ideas:

February 22

I don’t think I’m alone in thinking HL’s fake birthday in the show is Feb 22 as per the Boys Twitter account post that he shares a birthday with George Washington. This would mean they scheduled it during the post-Christmas doldrums and nothing good on TV and not great weather, and not on the Fourth of July when every red blooded American is going to be sitting under the stars watching fireworks after a barbecue. I wouldn’t put it past them to air the special on the President’s Day Monday and not even the 22nd every year.

I wanted to write Billy watching one of the inane birthday specials in his sad apartment, drinking and scoffing and talking to himself like a sad old man, and then HL suddenly drops by and Billy’s all “whoa, I thought they aired these things live!” and HL’s all “yeah well after what happened last year they recorded it ahead 😒”, and Billy’s about to say something snarky but thinks better of it when HL is clearly here and down to fuck. They’re in a messed up enemies with benefits relationship in this version.

Fourth of July

If we follow comicsverse and the resultant wiki article, HL’s birthday is on Independence Day. Billy is having a good time at MM’s barbecue on some NYC roofdeck (he has custody of Janine on holidays), the rest of the Boys are there too, Frenchie is criticizing MM’s grilling and burger assembly techniques, Kimiko is assembling kebabs a little too aggressively, Hughie and Annie are drinking Trulys. Suddenly HL literally drops in. People on neighboring roof decks are going nuts, super pumped. The Boys are all ashen faced except maybe Kimiko who’s unfazed, and Janine is pretty enthused, and none of them want to traumatize her if at all possible, so MM is silently pleading with Billy not to escalate the situation. But Billy’s like “wtf you doing here cunt 😡” and HL’s like “First of allllllll, I’m allowed to be here” and Billy tries to object that no one invited him, but Janine’s already asking for an autograph and MM has to keep it together. And then HL is like “Also it’s my birthday, so I’d please like you all to sing happy birthday to me” and Annie’s eyes are shooting daggers because srsly, again with this stupid powerplay?? But MM is pleading with Billy to try not to turn this into a scene, and Frenchie seems down for absolutely no reason, so they all sing, pretty badly and hesitantly, and Billy distinctly says “dear supe cunt” but they do finish it out, and Billy’s dismayed that HL is maybe touched for real. And then they have a really uncomfortable remainder of a barbecue where HL plays up his aw shucks persona to Janine, and Billy is seething, but Frenchie and Hughie are kind of impressed that HL can char corn on the cob with his eyes better than the grill. They’re all very relieved when he has to leave to film his special though.

Billy’s birthday

Another enemies-with-benefits scenario. I assume Billy never does anything to mark his birthday, and figures no one knows it, but HL gets Vought Analytics to sniff it out. Billy’s hanging out in his apartment like any normal night when HL shows up with some super fancy Japanese-French bakery small cake with candles on it, and Billy bursts out laughing because it’s pretty incongruous, but then he also gets really angry, because he remembers the last person who made him a cake was Becca before 2012, and it was the exact opposite of this, homemade and kind of lopsided and the writing with icing was a mess because cake decoration wasn’t her forte. And it’s really sad and never mind I would never write this, definitely not as a oneshot 😢

HL’s real birthday

I might actually include this in my mpreg fic. I want HL’s actual birthday to be some random day in spring like they say in the show, maybe May, and for Billy to find out the real date from some godforsaken secret document from the 80s during the massive FBI investigation of all of Vought’s files. It’s something HL never found out for himself, so this piece of intel is like a gift in itself.