#i just had a psych test
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Lanceposting wednesday ONCE AGAIN
#my darling#lance stroll#ls18#f1#lanceposting#mid-week revitalisation#i just had a psych test#agh :(
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is there the slightest possibility that you could draw silly clown dude ( nikolai )
also good luck on your exams !!
Thank you! He’s one of my fav characters to draw
#I swear all of my teachers are in sync with each other I’ve had a test every day except Wednesday#I’m in psych class rn and I just got finished my test#There was a second doodle I was going to post but I thought it was ugly last second so I didn’t#bsd#bungou stray dogs#nikolai gogol#bsd nikolai#cryptic art#nikolai bsd
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For anyone else who is gonna struggle surviving the next 3 weeks with the angsty and tense situation of Callowmoore here's a few things from the last 2 episodes that I feel were underrated and will assist in trying to keep me sane/emotionally stable:
- Matching messed up hands built for holding
- Fearne nervously playing with her hair as she approaches Ashton
- Ashton wanted Fearne to be either the last thing they saw if they died or the first thing they saw when they succeeded
- Fearne's admittance corroborates Ashley's 4SD revelation that Fearne is in love with someone in the party but doesn't know how to process the emotions
- Fearne wanted Ashton to be happy, while Ashton wanted to feel whole so they would be worthy of the Hells
- Ashton twice tried to lead a search for Fearne, and instantly clocking onto Chetney saying he followed Fearne
- Fearne making herself look as radiant as possible before giving Ashton the cold shoulder
- Ashton only rose to Chetney's provocations until he said 'You hurt Fearne'
Use how you will
#godspeed my poor damaged psyche#critical role#bells hells#callowmoore#ashton greymoore#fearne calloway#fearne x ashton#ashton x fearne#strangely enough I don't enjoy having a dark and sad pit sitting in my chest day to day#3 weeks and we don't even get a cute M9 reunion in between to distract us? this was worse than Callowmoore's sistergate 3 week wait#also 'a little'? Sweetie people don't jump into lava for a little you got the big L and it's not Lesbian(s)#Feel like Laudna was a bit cruel this ep (Ash has been there for her a ton and she kinda villainized him) but we'll put it down to Delilah#much of Ashton's trauma has been overlooked or left to them to internalize but still nobody has told them that they are loved#and Ashton Greymoore needs to be told they're loved! (by Fearne)#but yeah time for more positive mental scenarios that 99% won't happen (but when that 1% does ho boy)#couldn't have just had Fearne go 'no talking' and sleep on Ash's chest to hear their heartbeat as her touch soothes Ash's pain could we?#or final fight scenarios where Ludinus is a walking harness and Ashton tricks them into absorbing their titan powers so he'd explode#they could've even had a talk in the woods because they wanted to find her so bad but was not gonna test Imogen's patience#I for one though will have at least one where Ashton seeks out Mori for advice (Fearne too but separately)#Tal I need you to use all your romantic arsenal in the feywild (Percy's worst travel experience) to win back Ashley's beautiful faun girl#bonus prompts for 'You will always be perfect to me' and 'Promise you'll come back to me' they pop up often in my scenarios#taliesin jaffe#ashley johnson
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me as a kid: i have all these problems
every adult around me: you're not old enough to know what's wrong with you, you're fine
me as an adult: i still have all these problems
my doctors after i finally got the opportunity to choose them myself: oh my fucking god why have you never gotten help for all these problems. you should have seen me 10 years ago
#problems i have finally gotten help for that i was told i was not old enough to know about:#AMPS (was told it was anxiety and then when i kept coming back they said it was fibro Quite Literally just to get me to shut up)#(like the doc i just saw literally said 'they diagnose fibromyalgia here when they dont know what the problem is but dont feel like testing)#multiple food allergies (was also told the stomach pain and vomiting was anxiety)#seborrheic dermatitis (i was told 'youre just stressed thats why you have a rash')#(which- if im so stressed my skin is literally dying MAYBE I STILL NEED HELP?????????)#autism and adhd (my father knew! but refused to get me assessed bc if i dont have a diagnosis theres no problem right :)#anxiety disorder (oh so when I'm in pain i DO have anxiety but when i say i have anxiety I'm overreacting okay)#dyscalculia and possibly dyslexia ('you just need to try harder' I've asked for a tutor five times)#some of my doctors don't actually believe me about some of these problems BECAUSE i have no records from when i was a kid#they're like 'it just popped up at 18? seems suspicious......' like I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR'S UNTIL THEN#there's definitely more but I'm still mad abt it#i might not be in a wheelchair Almost All The Time if i had gotten help BEFORE i lost half the feeling in my legs#i KNEW the fibro was a BS diagnosis#i tried to get assessed for autism at 16 and was told i have schizotypal personality disorder instead with literally zero testing#like my psych just refused to allow me to get tested for autism she was like 'no you have spd i Just Know'#same psych that said there was zero way i had anything like DID because my symptoms didn't present Exactly like the Only other#patient at the clinic with DID. i want to note that that was a 14 year old boy still being actively abused#and i was a 20 year old who was in a safe environment and had distanced myself from my abusers and stressors
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why did my teachers think it was okay to give us like one single weekend to finish all of our midterm projects and study for our tests.
#slight vent#i have 3 projects and 3 tests#i’m halfway through my lit/history project and halfway through my psych project#and maybe a quarter done with my programming project#which is fucking insane btw cause how tf am i supposed to code a whole video game in like 3 days on top of everything else 😭😭😭#and some things he hasn’t taught us and just thinks that we should just be able to figure out like HELLO???/?///#I DONT HAVE TIME TO TEACH MYSELF NEW CODE#ITS THE MIDTERM/FINAL FOR THE CLASS??????#and once the weekend starts i’ll have no one to trouble shoot my stuff and fix my bugs so literally i’ll be hopeless so 😭😭😭#my calc teacher JUST finished teaching us everything we need for the midterm TODAY. THE MIDTERM IS ON WEDNESDAY. BRO.#my physics teacher doesn’t let us copy down any of our idk test questions or take our old assessments home to study#*old#so we get to look em over for like 20 mins and hand em back. which doesn’t exact fucking help me when i’m studying for the midterm.#WITH NO STUDY GUIDE.#my teachers even said that this years midterms are worse than previous years cause they’re all in a row instead of split by a weekend#we’ve had 2 delayed openings and 1 early dismissal this week which means we have less time to work on our midterm projects in class 😭😭😭😭#i’m so overwhelmed i’m gonna explode#by the time i finish these projects i’m not gonna have anymore energy/time to study for my tests. WHICH IS THE HARD SHIT BTW.
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hey guys remember when nghy ([redacted] anime trailer ver) was in honeypre
#looking back at my old honeypre screenshots and realising that i pfced more nonsense than i thought#and dang. the magic school au atelier was in dec 2021? it feels like ages ago#dangit honeypre why am i missing you when it’s been a year and a half since you eosed#we could’ve gotten nagisa height if the game had held out for just a little longer#or maybe it jumped to eos bc they didnt want to reveal nagisa height#we will never know. sadge#still miss how. like. everyone in-universe shipxshipped lxl. even the bg characters#i just know in my heart that the meoto event wouldve been spectacular#still remember successfully rolling for the first dream story blushy yujiro 5☆ in the break room of the c-19 testing lab where i worked…#those were the d a y s man. i think my life peaked there and then#b u t. though. going back to nghy… i think openly asking for kimikawaii wont cut it anymore :(#maybe we should try reverse-psych instead. like ‘noooooo hw dont give us nagisa mv we dont deserve it aha~’#(next week for s u r e i believe it in my heart [says this every week])#just honeypre things#<-i miss this dumb tag. so much.
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okay guys i didn’t say this but i was the one left in charge of The List. i Listed Things. 😁 my list was very beautiful. also i got to tell people what to do which is always nice
#we were basically cataloguing what the university had and what it didint have in terms of. supplies#in terms of stationary (?)#(<- pens pencils coloured pencils paper cardboard tapes etc)#(+ psych documents and tests + printed dynamics/activities)#we had to organise it since it was everything jumbled together. and then list everything#every group has to have a little box with the stuff they’re going to use for the project. but we had to organise everything first#the issue was we didn’t know what/how to do. what can we throw away what can we archive etc#well anyway. i got to do The List. my very beautiful List.#these tags are a mess. i just woke up i’m not fixing anything sorry
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dark spore kids
#my art#noriko kawada#ken ichijouji#punimon#Im not gonna tag the other dark spore kids and their digimon because the seocnd one isj ust goofy.#ive had these sitting around for a while. i haev more other digimon 02 drawings ill post later i didnt want to put them in the same one with#this becuase the poses came out really similar without me thinkingabout it LOL.#ive just bee ndrawing a bunch of shit like this trying to get through a rough couple weeks. hopefully i can draw more soon!!#a little embarrassing to have only digimon art to show for myself right now but im having fun and making the things i want to see and i gues#thats whats important to me so. o7. bear with me until my heart eventually settles into a calm about it and i can draw other things again#i may have talked about it before but the dark spore really is a very compelling story element to me. so naturally i really wished that the#kids who got it implanted got to be characters more than they did. one of my favorite lines in the entire show come sfrom noriko . soim very#sad that theres not much art of her. thats why i drew her#i also just thought the idea of ken running a dbt skills group therapy session was really funny. hes canonically a psych student as of#02 the beginning im told. tough crowd to be testing your knowledge on....#anyway enjoy!! im outta here until i draw something else i guess
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#this show has owned my ass since i was 16#i literally remember seeing a gifset on here in 2016 of kids in the rain pointing a flashlight at el (who i thought was a boy)#and thinking it looks good and then started watching it#i have such vivid memories of how huge of a deal this first season was#EVERYONE at my high school was talking about it so many kids were wearing merch teachers would talk about it it was such a huge deal#i also remember waiting for the season 2 trailer during the superbowl#that was also such a monumental even people who dont give a shit about football were watching waiting for the trailer (i was one of them)#i remember i had a test in psych the monday after s2 came out and my teacher said ‘you can just go on your phones and watch stranger things#when youre done’ and we all were like ‘we already finished it’#i also remember when s3 came out and everyone on twitter was talking about how no one was socializing at their familys 4th of july parties#bc everyone was watching the new season people didnt even go out for fireworks lmao#byler#stranger things
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😓🤬
#I fucking hate doctors and the medical field so much#I was FINALLY starting to get on the right path#called a php place and think I know where I’m going#have a therapist I’ve been talking to here and there#I’ve been trying to get into a psych evaluation right?#called 5+ places the other day and they all had 5-8 month long waitlists#I need to get most of this shit done before June#so that ain’t gonna work#called the psych place my doctor referred me to#(would like to add that I did call this same place right after my doctor visit a few months ago and they never called me back)#so I had no hope they were even going to pick up#I was shocked when I heard someone picked up and even more shocked when they said they had an opening for fucking Wednesday#literally I felt like everything was finally aligning#I scheduled the appt for a zoom meeting at 10am#then I get a bunch of random emails saying my appointment was changed#now I have two different appointments- Wednesday and Thursday both at 9am and with a totally different doctor#so I was like???? ok guessing something happened but I didn’t think much of it - called to figure out what day it actually is#when I called to confirm they told me that I can’t be tested until I get an internal referral#I told them I did get a referral???#they looked at it and it was just a referral for depression not adhd or anything else#but then when they looked more into it they found in the notes she wanted me to get adhd testing#SO she just forgot to add it to my referral#I get people make mistakes#but this is like the 4th time something like this has happened lately#I’m just trying to be healthy#and it is fucking RIDICULOUS how incredibly hard it is to find the proper help#also the girl yesterday when I made the appointment said yes to all my questions but sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about#was like ‘does this test for adhd and autism?’ ‘yeah for sure’ and then I find out they don’t even test for autism#so now I have to find a totally different person to either do both or just test for autism#either way I feel incredibly disheartened and overwhelmed and sad
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when i was still in uni and i was very stressed and anxious the morning of whatever exam i used to look at my own reflection straight in the eyes and then slap myself as hard as possible two or three times depending on how bad i was feeling and shout get it together while i did that and when done i'd just go out and pretend i was a normal human being. like. that shit was crazy
#rena.txt#i remember when i did my second attempt for latin literature i had a very big panic attack and i was crying while doing this and my parents#during all those years of uni always thought i was just a lil stressed :) brother that bitch was mentally ill as fuck#what made it all worse for me is that here we don't do written tests and we don't do papers (not many anyway). in my case all my exams#have been like interviews and the anxiety was sooo bad bc i knew i had to speak with these asshole. the idea of sitting and writing down#stuff was so comforting bc i could have my time to think but instead i got hell and to try and like. psych myself up. i'd do shit like this#uni was really a moment huh
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💃🔪👨🏻
👨🏻🔨👩🏻🔧
🏃♀️🏃🏻♀️🏢
#this is an illustration of me enthusiastically committing patricide and then running away#because that is the mood of the day#my mom got her report from her adhd testing and she shared it with me because i am an experienced reader of psych reports#and a longtime adhd haver and knower abouter#and she didn’t want to share it with him because she KNEW he’d be mean and leverage it against her#and she called me because she was sad it’s taken her so long to get diagnosed when she has it actually quite bad#and i was like well it speaks to your strengths that you’ve been successful even as this flew under the radar#and i pointed out her strong score on initiation as something that probably helped disguise other symptoms#since she can start things better than anyone else i’ve ever known with adhd#and he cruises in to say THATS NOT A STRONG SCORE ITS JUST BETTER THAN OTHERS. ITS JUST AVERAGE#and i’m. livid actually#and the way this brings up soooo much of what i hated myself for way back when#and how the ways he does not respect her so closely parallel the ways i thought about myself for years. because i’m SO much like her#and he denies that as a compliment to me and i’m like no i like being like her???? asshole lol#he also had shit to say re her lowish score on emotional regulation and she’s like…if you think living with me is hard imagine BEING me????#anyway we’re going down there in a week we’ll see if he survives or if i have to break out his oversize hammer collection#alhpd#ok actually i updated the pictures. eva’s knifing him i’m beating him w tools and then we run away together. marriage!
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wow my last post was in Feb so despite not really having a following here I still feel obligated to say I'm going through a Bad Time both mentally and physically rn I can't even be bothered to think about or play Yakuza or do anything really. not dead but I sure feel like I'm on the way there rn. won't be here for a while take care everyone
#ray txt#well if you really wanna know the tmi details I'm putting it in the tags because I love overshsring#short version is entered depressive episode couldn't regulate my emotions constant crying and racing thoughts and mood swings#eventually psychosomatic symptoms caused by anxiety gets bad enough I start also having health anxiety and freaking out that I had some#disease or illness and that I was gonna die#if you've ever had your body feel like it's dying because of anxiety it's the typical shit#chest feels tight and like it's being crushed and like I can't breathe#random pains all over sometimes muscles or stabbing pains across torso#random nausea sweating and constant loss of appetite but maybe that was the depression#anyway after multiple crying sessions and nights where I couldn't sleep until like 8am and my parents considering putting me in#psych rehab (idea got scrapped) I go see some specialists#they check my blood piss uterus (irregular cycles I only get it every 2-4 months for years now)#and x-rays and they tell me actually everything looks fine physically! there's nothing wrong anywhere they can see and all my Levels are#perfectly Normal and Average I don't have a disease or illness or deficit#so all those pains and suffering really was just psychologically manifested and my brain made it up#andi know it's true because after that visit the chest pain was a lot less Andi can breathe better now#wait but that's not the end of it!#the gyne thinks I could have PCOS but can't confirm so I get my hormones tested and turns out I have more prolactin than normal#that fool made it sound like I Needed to get a MRI scan to check the gland that produces it in my brain or whatever#i go see an endocrinologist who says oh actually the extra prolactin is most likely just from your psychiatric medications#turns out if you take those it's commonly seen to go up so I didn't have to get scanned#this was optional but he suggested I take cabergoline to lower it and also get my menstruation regular again#and that's what I'm doing now but I feel like I had forgotten what having a period is like after always going for months without it#Oh and then I saw a new psychiatrist. because I had serotonin syndrome before and my body reacts badly to medications I've taken#he suggests a sensitivity blood test which I agreed to IMMEADIATELY because I've spent almost a whole decade taking all sorts of meds and#none of it working out#I haven't gotten the results back but he also said SSRIs are out of the question#although I've tried a bunch of antipsychotics and (prescribed) ADHD medications and they didn't work out#really want this fucking test because taking a med and then getting blasted with side effects makes me feel like a guinea pig being#experimented on
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saw a poll on here ages ago asking which of the other hobbits would be the best ringbearer and op said merry and i've been thinking about that extensively ever since.
#would he be able to do it? i don't know. but by god would he try.#lotr#i mean obviously no one but frodo COULD do it that was his destiny it was a task set out for him but it's interesting to think about#i think in large part it comes down to the fact that he might not have sam and instead he would have pippin. so.#pippin is arguably just as loyal as sam especially to merry he would happily follow merry to the ends of the earth#i just think. he might not do as good a job as sam.#he'd be great for morale and resilience in the same way sam is but i don't think he's ever had to take a caretaker role ever in his life#and not only might he struggle with that i think merry would struggle with being taken care of especially by pippin#so it would really test their relationship and their own psyches tbh i think it would fuck them up even more than it did frodo and sam#especially pippin he's very sensitive#anyway. i think merry would be a really good ringbearer honestly he's a hugely underrated character.
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how do therapists typically react when you say you think you have something
#ive only done that twice with two separate therapists one was like yeah that’d make sense (about autism) but i had to stop seeing her#+ she wasn’t very good#and the other time the therapist was even worse and she kept trying to tell me what im almost positive is ocd was just ptsd#i have both but like the thing she was talking about had nothing to do with my trauma and was entirely based on intrusive thoughts#and also involved compulsions so like.#she generally sucked also she was like 40 minutes late once and then when she showed up (into the telehealth thing) she was driving#but yeah i want to talk to my current therapist about both my ocd and dissociation problems but im scared to flat out say that#also concerned she will equate my ocd to ptsd as well bc some of it is connected but still is different#like i have ruminations that are vaguely connected to my trauma that i might not have otherwise but they’re still ocd im pretty sure#also i was kinda supposed to be diagnosed with it ? i took a test thing but i kept telling the psych that i didn’t have it so i think he#abandoned the idea. and then i was discharged and it was just dropped#idk why im saying all of this im in a weird mood#vent#kinda???#not really but to be safe#but yeah i feel like it could be seen as trying to do the therapists work for them which i don’t want to do
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.
#getting an autism diagnosis as an adult is one of the most complicated things i've ever dealt with in my LIFE#i've had therapists and counselors alike all tell me i should go get evaluated/go to a psych but they cant refer me to anyone#and i've been trying to get in anywhere i can but nowhere takes my insurance#and since i live in the middle of nowhere there is nobody close that even specializes in autism let alone adult autism?#even my dad (who doesn't believe in a lot of like... mental health stuff? he used to say 'everyone has depression get over it')#says he thinks i'm autistic and i should've been tested when i was a kid ._. OKAY WELL WHY DIDNT YOU TEST ME THEN JDKGNDKG#idk it's all just very frustrating and annoying
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