#i just have feelings and am tired of people just generalizing all criticism as bashing

[mothmanssweetsucculentass]

Ok here’s my two cents that no one asked for on the current (sort of?) debate going on in the Creepypasta fandom on here rn.

For starters, I grew up with Creepypasta. I also grew up mentally ill. I am also autistic. So I know my way around good and bad mental health rep at this point. And to be honest? A lot of the original stories DID suck balls at representation or just horror writing in general.

However, nowadays I see other people on here, often mentally ill or any other social outcast, taking these characters and reshaping them as their own to fit their own feelings and experiences, and I don’t think anyone has the authority to criticize things like that. Cringe culture is supposed to be dead anyways, nevermind the fact it’s inherently ableist at its core.

We also need to take into account kids still exist in the fandom. Pre teens who got tired of shit like scooby doo and wanted something more “mature” or “edgy” to get into without fully going off the deep end into full blown horror movies. At least that’s how it was for me. Not everyone, especially someone who’s younger, is gonna be comfortable with the grit and gore a lot of Creepypasta “purists” are pushing for these days, and that’s okay! When a fandom gets popular it’s always inevitable and unavoidable to have the popular characters get two dimensionalized.

There’s also the whole mascot horror thing that I don’t wanna get into, but I’m 90% sure that also plays a part in the old favorites like Jeff and slenderman being brought up again. They were and still are recognizable characters. Recognizable characters aren’t a bad thing. Making horror more approachable for younger audiences isn’t a bad thing. People having their own interpretations based out of their own experiences isn’t a bad thing.

Some of us grew up and wanted the more edgy and reality based content, and that’s also not a bad thing! But neither side should be dictating or policing how the other enjoys content in this fandom. If you personally don’t like the way something is written, characterized, depicted, or drawn, no one’s forcing you to look at it. No one’s claiming it as canon. No one’s asking for you to accept it as the end all be all.

At the end of the day this fandom was built on OCs and personal depictions of stuff. I can’t name a single character or story in this community that was created by some outside party like a movie or TV studio FIRST (because I know some got so popular they breached the fandom and got their own shows/movies/comics/etc). Everything here was created by someone who wanted an outlet for their creativity, or their pain, or their coping, or whatever else.

Realism and dark headcanons aren’t bad, and neither are any of the headcanons out there who just wanna make a goofy found family of social rejects as a form of escapism.

A 13 year old drawing a fictional layout of a fictional mansion where these fictional characters live isn’t going to suddenly invalidate the horror, I promise, it’s not that deep and it never was.

A 22 year old making a dark comic on the realistic origins of Jeff who is a fictional character in a fictional world isn’t going to suddenly invalidate the more softhearted side of the fandom.

Sure, there can still be a split if people are so adamant about that, but as someone who personally enjoys both the brutal horror side and the “haha Jeff is 15 and gay” sides equally, y’all need to at least learn to be civil to anyone who has a different headcanon than you. And if that seems like too much still, the block button exists for a reason.

TL:DR this fandom is based entirely off OCs and headcanons and people can do whatever the fuck they want because none of it is real and horror comes in many shapes and sizes and intensities and no one should be bashing anyone on their headcanons or views or rewrites or whatever else.

EDIT:

Actually wait I think I have more to say-

Horror, like any genre, has NO AGE LIMIT. And by that I mean, if someone younger wants to delve into scary stuff, they should be allowed to do so without criticism. I personally grew up on “child friendly” horror media like Scooby-Doo, and the older I got the more horror I wanted to experience.

There’s no right or wrong way to “understand” horror, and I frankly think it’s ignorant and stupid to say if you don’t fully “understand” something, then you shouldn’t be involved in it at all. Horror isn’t always about gore and unspeakable violence and the eldritch entity that wants everyone’s skin inside out. That’s why horror has sub genres for fucks sake. Gut wrenching brutality against innocent people isn’t everyone’s cup of tea and that’s okay!

However, bashing anyone’s tamer headcanons, or calling anything anyone interprets differently than you “stupid”, that’s not okay. God, I feel like an exhausted parent giving this lecture to fellow adults, but this really needs to be said and stressed.

I am an adult. I like when stuff in the fandom takes a dark turn. But for nostalgia’s sake, I also love the fanon so much, because that’s what I was exposed to.

And for fucks sake if it comes down to picking sides, I would rather stick with the part of this fandom that gives zero shits how you see a character as long as you’re having fun.

You can have your serial killer 30 year old Jeff and your canon-accurate-to-that-one-image eyeless Jack, but don’t shit on other people if they don’t want the same thing. Your interpretation isn’t canon, and neither is anyone else’s for that matter.

Realistic, dark, gritty Creepypasta isn’t a new concept, and neither is “adult” Creepypasta. And by the way, Creepypasta was never stated to be for adults. That’s like saying kids and only kids can eat trix cereal. It sounds that stupid on paper.

Let people interpret things the way they wanna interpret. No one is infringing on YOUR character ideas. Creepypasta has no age limit, nor a set way the horror has to be presented. Those who do continue to claim that just sound like pretentious assholes.

Very small side note, I personally think it’s inappropriate and rude to keep using Toby as a “bad example” of mental health rep when the creator has stated multiple times the character is old, not researched, and not even in the fandom anymore. Leave the poor guy alone.

[ashpentagram]

Lately I’ve had a lot of mixed feelings about Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel, and overall the fandom.

Like. My thoughts aren’t necessarily the greatest, and a lot of y’all are trying my patience in aspects of body diversity and moral implications and general behavior of characters. Maybe I’ll make a stupid-long post neatly organizing my thoughts on it all.

In short though, I really don’t want what I make to be compared to canon. I don’t care if what I do is different. I don’t care what canon has to say about anything I make and anything I represent in my AUs and in my stories. If I cared, it’d just be a rigid self-insert story with no plot and no life to it.

I don’t like canon, to be blunt. I think it’s in poor taste, I think the way people interpret the characters is downright abysmal in majority cases, and I’m so sick of the infighting. I’m sick of the fetishization of gay men, and the overall lack of care I’ve viewed firsthand in all of this.

Yeah the animation is nice. Yeah there’s some good character designs. Yeah there’s a lot of very skilled people working on these shows and I want to support them and be proud of what they are making.

But I could sit here for hours picking apart all of the writing choices that have been made exclusively within canon, and how each of these choices have been abandoned for some weird fantasy of a “will-they won’t-they” that has long since overstayed it’s very brief and hesitant welcome.

I’m not even bashing on Viv, or really anything the crew has done. At face value, if you turn off your brain and you enjoy it for what it claims to be at face value, Helluva Boss is fine. It’s an ok show. It’s pretty, unique, and you’ve got silly uncensored (for the most part) fuck words in it.

But once you peel back the initial layer, you’re stuck peeling this god damn thing for hours connecting dots that say “this show is not thought out” and “what even is the point”

Like… pertaining to leaks and QnAs and general shit like that, why answer with “I don’t know” in any capacity? Am I supposed to take the fact that you’re telling me you don’t know something about your own creation and be more satisfied with that answer over “I can’t answer that due to spoilers”? Do you want people to think you’re bsing your way through a series that is much bigger than you probably intended it to get? I just don’t see the logic in some of the choices or the answers made.

And I will say, I’m heavily biased towards my own creations I’ve built as AUs of HH/HB, but I’ve always shoved those creations aside when looking at HB for what it is. I’ve tried so hard trying ti figure out the canon of the shows and with every episode it feels like it’s fuck all, “we want overarching plot but we also want it episodic but we also want tension but that tension can’t actually matter too much because this is episodic and we already decided we wanted to do somn different next episode”

Like? Ok. Whatever. At this rate it’s just so hard to give any sort of opinion other than “the series makes me tired with how hard it tries to make sense yet consistently shoots itself in the foot and then laughs about it not making sense”.

I had this in my drafts last night because just trying to think of a plausible reason to care about this show other than feeling obligated to care is so exhausting it makes me sad that something I’ve loved for so long has turned so abysmally rancid because I dared think about it in a critical manner outside of “silly demons are pretty and the animation is something different and indie”. It’s so exhausting that the first time I felt inescapable giddiness with the series was episode one, went through four episodes of wariness and confusion after that, and then felt happy when Stolas did something remotely interesting with his summoning in episode six, only for that to be stamped to dust by episode 7, and then of course, infamous episode 9. It’s been one hell of a ride, that’s for sure, and one I really wish was over by now unless it’s got some sort of ace up its sleeve that’ll briefly ignite the passion I once had for it.

I don’t hate the show. I don’t hate Viv. I don’t “hate” anything about this. I’m just really tired ig.

[troglobite]

lsdkfj

i just realized something

i'm constantly like "jfc these other people are so disappointing and frustrating and how am i supposed to work w this if they won't meet me halfway?"

and then in response to myself i'm like "jfc i'm such a fucking asshole. i'm not perfect! i don't do everything right all the time! can't i have some fucking compassion for them not getting it right?"

and that dichotomy of thought has been eating me up inside but i just realized

it happens bc the PROBLEM is that i don't receive FEEDBACK

i cannot judge my own efforts or quality or even just how i AM in the world without feedback

and when ppl don't give me feedback

i have no idea what i'm doing and can only do my best and hope i'm making sense, and i just keep trying the same thing or tons of different things, to the same result/effect

which is MADDENING

so truly whatever other criticisms or complaints i have abt certain interactions or whatever

ultimately

it comes down to the fact that i'm not receiving feedback

AND ALSO

that i feel like i can't TRUST the scant feedback i do get

oh that's nice you think i'm the best dm you've ever had

is that just bc we're friends and i really indulge your playstyle and gave you some fun things to do in a couple sessions?

or is that bc you actually enjoy all the elements? will you tell me if there's something you DON'T enjoy? will you tell me if there's something you WANT that you aren't getting? will you tell me if a session is too long, too short? will you interrupt me for a bathroom break or snack break?

bc currently, nobody does

and it's like

I Cannot Function Like That

I NEED FEEDBACK.

and so without it, i get stuck thinking abt myself and them in these ridiculous circles, trying everything i can, and it's just fruitless! and hopeless!!!!

anyway watching adventuring academy is maybe the best thing i've ever done bc it's so gratifying to hear these kind of niche world famous GMs talk about the same fucking things happening at their tables and how they deal with it and how they've found to communicate abt various things

anyway also just generally in life i need feedback

did i say something kind of stupid and it hurt you? is there something i can do to help w that? is there something i should do or not do in the future?

i would love to know

will i maybe spiral about it for a little while? possibly! but that's my business. that's for me to deal with and learn how to cope with. i'll fucking live.

and if the feedback and info you gave me is true and correct, then the anxiety spirals will stop bc we'll see that it paid off! and we'll all be happier and better off for it!

anyway.

my experience as a dm so far is truly just like

"OH MY FUCKING GOD NEVER IN MY LIFE HAVE I JUST WANTED PEOPLE TO BE ENTIRELY STRAIGHTFORWARD WITH ME 100% OF THE TIME MORE THAN NOW."

and i'm autistic, so i ALWAYS want that. but dming is like that turned up to a million.

anyway if given the opportunity i'm going to bash this into my fucking players' heads bc i'm tired of all of us fucking suffering

or rather, me DEFINITELY suffering, and the rest of them POSSIBLY suffering, but part of the reason i'm suffering is bc I DON'T FUCKING KNOW IF THEY'RE SUFFERING!!!!!

side note i'm watching this episode of adventuring academy with captions off bc my fingers got fucked up from typing today and i already submitted 22 caption corrections on ONE VIDEO to dropout so i cannot tempt myself by witnessing even more egregious errors that i will desperately want to fix

[shadowhannibad]

TIRED

I’ll start by saying that I hate that I’m doing this. I did not want to give these people more of my time and attention, but alas, there’s only so much public bashing and vagueblogging a person can take. The infamous lazaefair has composed a list containing the ao3 ID user numbers of twelve people, made up of writers and artists, to be blocked “due to recent events”.  

I’m in the list. My ID user number is 8779004: ClaritaWinter. Now that you know this, does it make it easier for you to block me? “Oh, of course that racist cunt is there! Block on sight!” or does it make it a little harder? “Oh, I’ve read a few of her works and I enjoyed, damn, what should I do now?”

Regardless of your answer, this situation is disgusting. The list is being seen by some as just a helpful way for people who want to curate their fandom experience, but since you can’t actively search the people on that list, you will have no idea who’s content you are “protecting” yourself from. Some of the people in that list have never written porn. Some of them have never drawn porn or anything remotely close to it so far. Others have written 20k+ fics solely focused on Joe that will be immediately dismissed for the simple, small and (what should be) irrelevent detail that Joe topped in it or it was written by an author who commonly writes topJoe (yes, the trend of using top/bottom as “the rule of the thumb” to assess how racist is a a fic continues). 

What I’m gonna say here is pretty much obvious but... do not outsource your opinions. You can check those people and decide that yes, the content they create is not for you and this case, by all means, block them, make your experience online better. But don’t do something just because someone told you to, not without proper context, especially when that person has proven time and time again how malicious her intents are. Lazaefair is not an authority on fandom racism. She does not get to decide or to tell you which works are racist and what aren’t. Or which ones are intentionally harmful or unintentionally fall under racist stereotypes. She does not get to sanction how a person should write Joe based on her whims, morals, her personal experience that isn’t of a MENA gay man. 

Every talk about representation and racism in this fandom always gets warped back into the top/bottom narrative to the point, and that weakens their own argument. Joe-centric fics now are only bottom Joe fics, then? TopJoe isn’t racist in itself, as they keep saying, but if you’re looking for racist trends in fics, well, then the topJoe tag is where you should begin. Are you serious? And you still don’t want people to perceive this as a top/bottom discourse? Or as policing? Every action that they take contradicts their own words. 

I’m only naming lazaefair here because she was the one who made the blocklist (and other redundant, pathetic list as well), but I know there are plenty of other vocal perpetrators that have backed her up since… July 2020. That’s right, since July. I’m not going to name them in this post because they haven't attacked me directly as she has done it, so cowardly, twice.

I started writing fanfiction in January, 2021. TOG is literally the first fandom I have ever written for. English is my second language, I’m not a professional writer and my fics are usually short, around 3k.  All of my fics have been TopJoe. All of them, without exception. I’m not ashamed of that, and I am aware this puts a target on my back in this fandom, but I ask you, do your own research, go through my fucking ao3 first and see for yourself. If you still think my content isn’t for you, at least it’s your choice.

If I hadn’t been so used to the general mess that this fandom is, this could’ve broken me. I’m still very, very insecure about my writing and I’m always surprised that people take their time to read what I write at all. In case people think that the members on that list shouldn’t be offended, here’s what this list is pretty much saying: These authors and artists are racists because they write/support top!Joe content. They’re dangerous. Protect yourselves.

How in the fuck am I not supposed to take this personally and not be pissed off? Tell me, how? 

I’m not saying I might not have reproduced racist stereotypes in my writing. I am a human being living in a racist, cisheteronormative, capitalistic society, so yes that’s a possibility. Even though I always try to be mindful about giving Joe dimensionality and not to make his sole character revolve around Nicky (of course, some of my fics are just porn and neither one of them have much in terms of dimensionality so, well). But do I deserve to have my user put in a list that is telling others that my porn is a danger to society? 

It’s also very interesting that this is blowing up right in the middle of a fun event that the TopJoe server is running and decided, for the first time, to open it to the general public.

If you have made up your mind about me based on other people’s opinions, I literally don’t have anything else to say to you. If you don’t,  I will just ask you this: Don’t outsource your critical thinking. Don’t go after someone without knowing their side just because SJW #3 said you should.  Do your research. 

But you don’t get to tell me how I should feel about that list. It’s not your ID in it. It’s not you that have had your views and words turned into something ugly by someone whose sole purpose seems to be to drive every person with a topJoe preference out of this fandom. It’s not your friends having anxiety attacks right now. You do not get to do that. 

Last but not fucking least, if you are a “mary-go-with-others” (as we say here in Brazil) then yeah, fucking block me, I don’t want weak-minded people around me.

[trashahime]

Anon, sorry for taking so long and the length. There was a lot to address and I tend to ramble. Due to the length I am going to divide your ask in chunks and respond to each paragraph individually for clarity's sake.

I'm curious as to why you have addressed this to Sesskagu shippers both here and later. TBH, this alone will make many doubt that you are truly neutral because you seem to have fallen for the common but false claim that the anti sentiment has it's roots in bitterness over a lost ship war.

Those supporting the end are made up of a variety of people who are simply united in their dislike/disappointment. Among them are shippers and non-shippers, antis, neutrals and even some SR fans who are bothered by how their ship is portrayed.

Personally, I don't think it takes any kind of mental gymnastics to have a problem with how Sessrin is depicted in Yashahime. There are some antis who probably do purposely make the worst possible interpretations to fuel their disgust/anger. But most are being completely sincere in their belief that Rin was married and pregnant by the time she was 15. You have probably already seen and dismissed all the anti arguments to support this view so it would be pointless to rehash them. You can believe it's just about disliking Sessrin but there were many antis like myself who were willing to accept the relationship even if we found it distasteful had Sunrise gone about things differently.

Each "hater" has their own reason for continuing to watch the show and I can't speak for them. Or as a "hater" either as I enjoyed the show. But I also think it's a trainwreck with many issues and problematic portrayals.

If people are targeting individuals and maliciously interacting with their posts then that is definitely harassment. However, I suspect you also mean the general posts made by antis criticizing those who watch the show.

The belief that watching/supporting Yashahime equals supporting a p*dophilic portrayal of Sessrin and other unsavory stuff is an opinion I disagree with. But I also disagree that expressing that opinion is harassment.

I get why you find it to be extremely harsh and hurtful but I also think you are taking it very personally when you needn't.

Consider my position. I'm an anti that still enjoys Yashahime. Most of those posts are made by my moots, some of which I have very friendly interactions with. I have even more reason to feel personally attacked by them but I don't. Just because I respect someone's right to an opinion that doesn't mean I am obligated to agree with it and make it apply it to myself. Unless you agree that liking Yashahime means condoning p*dophilia, then I'd advise you to take the view that those posts don't pertain to you at all.

As for petitions, bad reviews, being glad Yashahime is almost over... Well that's some of the least offensive actions an anti can take. Two of the three are against corporations, not fellow fandom members and the other is just a celebration amongst themselves.

They don't affect anyone else unless the petitions and bad reviews are substantial enough to put the shows future in jeopardy. IMO, the correct counter action is good reviews and supportive petitions, not telling antis to stop. They have the right to express their opinions.

I have seen many grooming and csa survivors say they also don't view Sessrin as having those aspects. However, there are many survivors on the anti side that strongly disagree. While I think that the opinions of those who have endured similar circumstances have more weight, it also creates kind of a never ending tug of war situation where neither side can really "win" the argument because they are equally balanced. For every survivor saying it is, there is one saying it's not.

Generally, I choose not to use the words p*dophilia or grooming when describing the Sessrin relationship or say that everyone who likes the pairing is a P&G apologist.

Many antis don't agree on this, but I think it's possible to have headcanons and scenarios that result in a version of Sessrin in which those things are not present. Fanonwise anyway. To me, the canon situation can definitely be interpreted to believe that they are present.

Mostly, I tend not to use the terms because they have specific psychological and legal definitions. That makes it very easy for SR fans to completely dismiss the idea that they could apply to Sessrin because it's not a perfect fit. I think if it turns out to be part of actual canon or if it's just part of one's own headcanon that Sesshomaru was "waiting" for Rin to grow up and courting her with gifts like the kimonos then that means he had a romantic interest in her when she was too young for it to be acceptable.

He might not be a technical p*do in that he is attracted to children, but his thoughts and actions are of one with regards to Rin. I agree with those that say Sesshomaru would never intentionally manipulate or pressure Rin to be with him, thus not "technically" grooming.

However, informing her via courting that he wants to be with her when she is older does put a type of manipulative pressure on her. For years, she will have to live with the knowledge that her literal savior, the most important person to her in the world, someone she loves and doesn't want to disappoint, is waiting for her. It will absolutely influence her life choices and who she becomes.

No need to apologise, I don't mind being vented at and am clearly prone to long-ass messages myself.

I think you do have some valid frustrations but I don't think they all are.

It's often forgotten that antis are major fans too. Many wanted to love Yashahime but in their eyes Yashahime "bashes" the OG and it's characters. It's ruined something they held near and dear. And they are highly upset about it.

Think about it, that's probably why you and others are so angry at the criticism. It's bashing something you all enjoy or maybe even love and it's making you highly upset. You all are more alike then you realize.

You can let it all impact your fandom experience or realise there is very little you can do about it because that criticism, even if you find it unfounded, harsh or extreme has the right to exist provided it doesn't break the rules of the website. You won't be able to block it all away.

it's a tired old cliche but it's true that you can't control what others do, only your own reaction to it. And frankly I think some of your reactions are as extreme as to what you ascribe to antis. I mean, you want them to stop celebrating the end of Yashahime. How does that really personally affect you?

A change in perspective as I described earlier goes a long way in not taking anti criticism personally. It even works when you are being personally attacked. I have seen posts about me specifically saying I am a deluded and deranged individual with real life mental health issues just because I think Kagura is the mom. Those people don't know me and I know the truth about myself. So why let someone's unfounded false world view affect me or my fandom experience?

Anyway, you probably just wanted to rant and weren't expecting or wanting this massive response. I hope you find a way to deal with the negativity because it's not completely avoidable but it will die down eventually.

[scoutpologist]

to be clear i am just ranting and this is just my opinion but i really wanted to make a post abt this? i hope this doesn’t seem too complain-y or accusatory because that’s not what i meant by it at all. i’m just talking about a trend in this fandom that makes it harder for me to enjoy my time here. putting under the cut because i’m a bit nervous about being taken wrong kdfghjdks

one of the things i genuinely actually am upset by with this fandom is the culture where character bashing is just so encouraged. i have never seen this level of acceptance for character bashing to the point where entire communities form around bashing/not bashing a character. it’s such a fucking buzzkill to me? in every fandom i’ve been in before, that just... was not a thing. it wasn’t a thing. long ass posts about hating a character and everything they stood for just wasn’t a thing????? people didn’t do that shit at nearly the rate the dream smp fandom does. crit posts were always tagged. people were respectful.

like i don’t wanna get on everyone’s case about it but i for real think we sometimes take this too seriously. i am definitely guilty of this too, and everyone is entitled to their opinions, i wouldn’t dream of trying to make someone enjoy something they don’t or dislike something they enjoy, that’s not what this is about. this just isn’t normal fandom etiquette? it’s actively going against normal fandom etiquette? fandom culture has a lot to be criticized about it, of course, but generally you’re just... not supposed to be overly negative without at least putting it under a read more or tagging. idk why it’s so normal in the dsmp fandom to air such vehement opinions about characters to the point where it becomes personal (for example, genuinely disliking fans/antis of a certain character, antis of characters existing in the first place) but i hate it lmao.

let’s be real, a lot of us are here because we’re autistic or have adhd and fixated on the dsmp. a lot of us are REALLY attached to the characters and arcs we like. a lot of us are just sensitive people, even hypersensitive people. this is normal in fandom. most fandoms are made up of more than their fair share of people like this. fuck, fandom culture was built by autistic people!! but in this fandom it’s a lot more difficult to avoid discourse and negativity. i have blocked every tag under the sun and i am STILL seeing a lot of negative or argumentative posts that actively stress me out.

i have to work on myself too, i know i’m not perfect and never will be, but please just be nice and consider other people’s feelings and tag stuff and consider focusing on what you like instead? i am getting very tired of coming on here to be happy and leaving with a headache. this fandom has legitimately caused me the most genuine distress out of all the others i’ve been in combined and i don’t want anyone else to feel like that. i’m genuinely tired

[thequibblah]

⭐️ would love some commentary on that dancing scene (or really any commentary on the various parties thrown by the marauders) from the party happening next to the Potions Club party ⭐️

WELL WELL WELL

"This is...a lot of trouble to go to." "It's the Marauders. They love trouble."

i love writing party scenes (as i'm sure you all know lol) and one of the best/worst things w the marauders parties is striking a balance between their, uh, audacious plans, and what's realistically possible at hogwarts without getting caught. (aka literally why i made up the dodgy lodgings). i went back and forth so long on whether or not they could plausibly have managed that with slughorn's dinner next door, but then was like ah whatever the party has to happen for plot reasons so.... plot ex machina??

anyway, i love using parties to establish character — what a brilliant stage of teenage performance they provide. i love contrasting the hogwarts parties to, say, evan wronecki's — for instance, how lily and co. are more at ease in the former, as seventh years, with their classmates hosting, than they were at evan's nye bash

i also love that it gives me space to establish who is and isn't popular, so to speak, but also who acts or doesn't act the way we presume popular kids will act

doe, for instance, who is by all accounts a level-headed and non-wild person, has a more exciting time on net at marauders' parties than mary (drinking game, kissing remus), though she's not a big drinker and isn't really into parties. but she's comfortable in her own little social circle at a bigger event (like with michael at evan's) and so isn't bothered at all by the marauders' do, because...

She did, in fact, trust the Marauders. Her general belief in the inherent goodness of people notwithstanding, she didn't think they would do anything to harm their friends. Intentionally.

this bit always makes me laugh

as with many things, i feel very saddened that i didn't get to make more out of the fools' olympics (although one could argue that The Dance was a pro) — as in, i wish i'd been able to squeeze more of it into the story itself. i could probably come up with a list of tasks and who completed them LOL

WAIT OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS it just might be my favourite part of this chapter

"How did you do that?" Gillian said, glancing between the other two girls. "Just — drink it without a second thought?" "Practice," said Mary. "Scottish — constitution," David said hoarsely. "I once drank some of Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mass Remover," said Priya.

priya is all i aspire to be

can i say, too, it's hilarious to me how many people worried niamh would be a james love interest? i feel like you will not rest easy on that count until he and lily are together... but that is not where the danger lies babes

circling back to popularity/unpopularity, another fun outlier. gillian is first established, in 33, as someone with friends (we see her around sara and in the seventh-year ravenclaws' compartment) but she's not exactly at ease at the party either — recall how she hesitates when mary invites her. only later, in 38, do we realise that our opinion of her has been skewed by the narration (from doe, who naturally assumes any friendly, nice person must have a wealth of friends and be floating through life; and mary, who naturally assumes anyone she isn't bored by must have the social skills of a medieval noblewoman at court), and she's a bit of a pariah in her own house

david, on the other hand, is just flat-out not in his element. and not because of the drinking or the, er, general revelry (see: summer with mary!), even though he doesn't partake much in either. unlike doe, the company breaks rather than makes his enjoyment — he's acutely aware, the whole time, that his cooler, more liked brother is around:

"Not your scene?" "What gave it away?" said David drily. As one they looked at Chris...

...and mary has intuited as much too, even though she has a lot more in common, superficially speaking, with chris than david

so, i think while i was writing this chapter i made a post complaining about how, as much as i love juggling the constraints of historical fiction, i hate that music from the 70s limits me in terms of tracklists. i.e., when i say a certain record is playing i can't just hit shuffle and go somewhere entirely different to set the mood shortly thereafter

this problem was because i wanted, NAY, NEEDED, to have "martha my dear" playing in the aftermath of that mary and david interaction. of course, time passes in that section break, but since "come and get it," which they talk about it, is a sirius song (though it could be a mary song), and i feel too strongly about needle drops to let that conversation go without a soundtrack. germaine even correctly guesses the white album is on because of mary:

Apparently Mary got fonder of the White Album the drunker she was.

...and of course the song itself makes me squeal with how very mary it is — not that it is something she would listen to, necessarily, or identify with (it would hold up too close of a mirror, ha), but it sounds like it could've been written about her ("hold your head up, you silly girl/look what you've done/when you find yourself in the thick of it/help yourself to a bit of what is all around you," which really sums up the entirety of her portree holiday, lol)

BUT! if "martha my dear" is to play here, then i have some Serious Chronology Concerns. i knew germeline had to kiss and jily had to dance and ideally in that order. but what would those scenes be soundtracked by!!!! i was limited to side two of the white album!!!

so i did the healthy thing and panic-listened to the white album. "don't pass me by" was, right away, an easy lock for the dance, because it's danceable, but not in a way that would've scared lily off. lyrically, it feels GREAT for jily in this moment, on the cusp of lily's realisation ("waiting for your knock, dear [...] i don't hear it, does it mean you don't love me anymore?" vs OF COURSE "don't pass me by [...] 'cause you know darling, i love only you"). i feel about "don't pass me by" the same way as NYT critic nik cohn: it's "straight ahead and clumsy and greatly enjoyable, backed by a beautiful hurdy-gurdy organ," which, if that isn't everything i wanted to evoke with the dance itself!!!!!!

ok we'll circle back to this, but onward with the musical discussion

thus i had four songs to choose from, between "martha my dear" and "don't pass me by," for the germeline scene — "piggies," "blackbird," "i'm so tired," and "rocky raccoon." the latter is on my sirius playlist, so auto-no; "piggies" is, well, like that, so also a no. "blackbird" is a certified germaine classic that was written personally by paul mccartney for germaine, but it seemed too introspective for the moment. i don't think i'd ever listened to "i'm so tired" before this panicked searching, and honestly it must be some wild luck that it is. just SO RIGHT!!!! it's so lethargic and tortured and angsty and, well, a bit of a stoner song, so.... it's THERE

AND NOW for the dance! true story, i initially wanted jily to have a real conversation, after the party. i had the dance in there and then james would catch up with lily after to be like, "hey i was wrong actually, you should write to petunia." but then i realised i wanted james and sirius to have a conversation about the bike/money, and i wanted it to strike a different chord, tonally, than the jily conversation. then i realised it would be too much to have both and i'd need to condense that conversation into the dance. VERY nearly cut the dance in favour of the conversation but wow i am glad i didn't

The tinkling piano signalled the start of the next song; she extended a hand, very matter-of-factly, to James, "Come on, this is a good one."

not pictured: james having a fucking breakdown

obviously, i could have gone the route of a genuine dramatic dance, but as previously mentioned lily would have chickened out, and i wanted to have this be an experience she could look back on and pine about because of how fun it was and james totally doesn't like her back

Loath as she was to admit it, this most indelicate of waltzes suited the plodding chords of "Don't Pass Me By." And worst of all, once they had stopped stepping on each other's feet James started to sing, in the poorest possible Ringo imitation she had ever heard in her life.

by the way, attentive readers of blink three times will recall:

He finally starts to lead — thank goodness, because she’s not the one who was forced into formal dance lessons as a child...

so in 36, this is james being drunk, but it is also james being silly on purpose because not only is he JAMES and so he must take the mick, he also knows it will put lily at ease

okay, and this bit:

"Don't pass me by, don't make me cry, don't make me blue," they both shouted rather than sang, "'Cause you know darling—" Lily broke off, laughing, dimly aware that she had done so to avoid saying I love only you while staring right at him.

from the FIRST MOMENT i picked out "don't pass me by," i knew i knew I KNEW that lily would have thoughts about this line. at this point in the story if someone questioned her about it she would probably have a full-scale breakdown about her male friends vs her female friends ("but no... i suppose i wouldn't mind saying it to remus.... but that's different!" how is it different, lily? "it's different!")

anyway, the bottom line is she could NOT abide saying it. i enjoyed writing that because 1. same girl and 2. it felt like a nice bit of close foreshadowing for her realisation, which i knew was coming soon. so that's a really circular way of saying, i knew what it meant but ideally to readers it was just oh this will mean something far-off in the future!!! which is usually true for me but SURPRISE babey it was just two chapters away!!!

note btw that lily "falls for james"

Lily spun faster than she’d intended to. The room was a brief, kaleidoscope blur. Then there was James. “Jesus, Evans,” he said, steadying her as the next track began.

>:)

and after i thought tracklists would fuck me up, i turned them into my WEAPON!!

Huffing, she stepped out of his arms. (There were some songs you could sing along to with your mates, and “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?” was not one of them.)

(so, you know, keep in mind that for the rest of this conversation, paul is in the background howling "no one will be watching us/why don't we do it in the road?")

also:

"...I’m not drinking tonight, but I’d better get the royal treatment after we win on Saturday."

and then what happened <3

wait jesus oh my god i really went hard on this huh

She only saw its result: the easy grin had given way to an expression so serious it was almost sweet.

LILY??????

and hey, remember when:

...because in chapter 26:

Dex’s measured opinions about the wizarding world seemed more the result of upbringing and inexperience than ill will, but Lily had not expected a radical change of heart.

...but then in 36:

He was right, damn it. And a part of her had known all along, had sought him out expressly so that he would say the opposite thing to her. He’d gone and proven her wrong. She broke the staring match first [...] “What brought on the change of heart?” “It’s a long story, and I expect it’ll have an unsatisfying end if I told it to you.” Lily scoffed, but James had on that maddening grin that meant he would not budge. “Oh, all right.” Softer, she added, “Thank you.” He began to back away, towards the bar. “It’s give and take, Evans.”

in conclusion, i never forget, besties

[legends-live-in-memories]

I Have Too Many Opinions. ep. 1

lmao. i got encouragement to post my opinions on fandom things and now i want to make a miniseries doing just that. so here i am. doing just that.

im putting it under the cut cuz this was 4 whole pages including the disclaimer. yes i put a disclaimer and i explain why.

Anyways, here is the first piece in what inevitably will become fandom info dump, this time on thomas astruc’s writing on miraculous ladybug. but only some of my opinions cuz we would be here all day otherwise.

So… a disclaimer before I begin… 

I do not hate Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir (yes i'm using their government name). I am quite a fan of the show actually despite its faults. I am also older than the intended audience but was obviously younger when the show first aired which is how my interest was piqued (the fact that its been 6 years and only 3 seasons says more about the show than me being a fan for that amount of time but also i never want to rush content creators cuz they're doing their best) and due to my age, there will be inherent bias in my approach of what i'm about to say as there is in EVERY opinion. The fact that it is an opinion should imply the presence of bias but most people tend to lack the critical thinking skills required to draw that conclusion ANYWAYS…

If I did hate the show I would not have this blog nor would I be even writing this because i tend to not give more than 2 seconds of thought to things i actively dislike (some of yall should give this a try) and i'm allowed to like things that are designed for an audience that i was originally a part of but grew out of. (I don't suddenly stop liking things because I'm older despite what many younger fans seem to believe about older audiences. I also don't need to be ‘allowed’ to do anything cuz i wasn't asking for permission anyways.)

This will not be character bashing, astruc bashing nor fandom bashing cuz, again, that would imply i hate any of those elements and if i did, i would not dedicate brainpower to them. Analyses and criticisms of media are fun and engaging and required if you wish to produce good enjoyable content. Now most of this should be already assumed and self-explanatory but people on the internet like to play morality roulette roll dice on purity culture and I rather have documentation that I am in fact not bullying fictional 14 year olds or a grown man. But alas, people get trigger happy whenever someone has less than 1000000% positive opinions on something they like and will throw out words they can't define (gaslight, baiting, toxic, problematic, gatekeep etc) in an attempt to defend their blind devotion, 

which is not needed, if you like something you never have to defend it, even if i don't like it. If you respond to anything I post saying you disagree with me, I will not argue with you. I won't debate back and forth and try to convince you that the things you like are wrong. Unless you are being absolutely tone deaf to what i'm saying, you wont get a negative reaction from me. So don't try to fish for a fight. Please. I got metaphorical hands for days and I'm mean, you don't want me hurting your feelings on the internet. Do yourself the favour. Difference of opinion is how we get diversification in media and is inherently a good thing. Now that that's out of the way, please don't ever let me have to say that again. I beg.

Now onto the fun stuff

I didn't know what I wanted as a first topic so my trusty internet friend @moonlitceleste suggested astruc’s writing… 

AND BOI do i got some opinions on ole tommy boi. Again I don't hate the dude. In fact, he has worked on a few shows that had defined my childhood, including but not limited to W.I.T.C.H. (all eps available on youtube for those interested, 2 seasons, general fun time all around).

So I don't think he’s scum of the earth but I do think his approach to writing mlb specifically has more misses than hits.

The first big miss is that he has no idea how to write 14 year old girls. At all. Almost every girl he has ever written feels like some terrible archetype built entirely for marketability and childish projection and pubescent self-insert (kind of). He has never been a 14 year old girl. I have. In fact when the show first aired, I WAS around the (assumed) age of the mlb characters. The behaviour he passes off as quirky or awkward or just the character’s genuine personality tend to perpetuate harmful stereotypes of teen girls found in the media and are never actually addressed as harmful. they just get swept under the rug. Marinette’s exuberant collage of teen heart throb model boi Adrien Agreste and her very painful almost fan worship she has of him (which flip flops like a paper sandal in the rain) being portrayed as a cute school girl crush uwu, Chloe being the y7 Regina George, Alya being the token best friend of colour with her ‘sassy’ personality (i want y'all to imagine me eyerolling so hard i bust a vessel in my eye), Kagami being the very damaging Perfect Asian Child stereotype. And before y'all get on your dusty soap box and defend going on about “BUT IT'S FOR CHILDREN”,,,, know this.

 i don’t give a solid fuck. 

Not one. 

Children arent stupid. Children are always going to remember the richy bitchy blonde who bullies the art kid, and the big kid, and the shy kid, and the non white kids, and was only nice to her equally rich white friend who she probably had a crush on or was only ever civil to her equally white lapdog. They're going to remember the half asian girl who was never allowed to actually be asian or the only black girl who existed solely as a soundboard for enabling bad habits or chastising the main character for the same habits she enables in the first place (boi aint THAT a topic for later). Like do i really need to explain that alya chastising marinette for taking max’s spot in gamer just to play with adrien rings absolutely hollow when she actively encourages her to sabotage the contest she’s in just so Kagami doesn't win?? Like I don't have to explain that right?? Again kids arent stupid and its quite something that Mari gets chastised for proving herself the best video game player regardless of her intentions just cuz it comes at the expense of max’s feelings/ego but is actively encouraged to sabotage not only kagami but herself by extension cuz kagami is ‘competition.’ Adrien is not a trophy to be won. And no I don't expect 14 yrs old to be perfect and to always make good decisions but these decisions are never addressed as being bad decisions. they get swept under the rug cuz those decisions were necessary for the ‘plot’ but astruc can barely keep characterization consistent and his characters suffer for it and it's the same children you preach are watching it that suffer as well. Cuz guess what? I KNOW 14 yr olds aren't like that cuz i've been there done that (this is the last time i'm saying that i promise) so I know astruc is just metaphorically throwing darts to figure out who says and does what without consideration for pre established personalities to drive the stalemate plot along. The same kids you say are watching this don't know that that's not how preteens work and will absorb and internalize those dynamics like baking soda and vinegar. Cata-fucking-strophically. 

And I haven't even gotten to the boys yet. Which honestly doesn't require much explanation anyways cuz they suffer the same fate as the girls. Tired archetypes with nothing to give them life. Nino falls into Adrien’s person of colour token best friend who dates the female lead’s person of colour token best friend so they can have cute double dates uwu. Except the plot goes nowhere and we have no inclination of romantic development beyond moments that only act to actively convince me to anti ship the lovesquare (i don't want to do that so i self indulge in fanon that actually cares about the characters and plot. may i interest you in True Sight on AO3?). Max is the residential nerd but it doesn't matter (cuz he and everyone are dumbed down for the sake of ‘plot’), kim is the sports jock (which interestingly subverts the asian comedic relief stereotype but only barely) and luka is cute older guy ™ that wears black nail polish and is in a band. The point of all this is to say there is no depth in the characters. It's especially blatantly obvious with the characters astruc doesn't like (chloe). Again, it being a show for kids is not an excuse to be absolved of putting effort into the characters you make.

This is one of the biggest misses astruc has. I haven't even gone into all the nuances of this particular miss. And i havent gone into how that works against him in the plot either. Mostly because the plot itself hasn't gone anywhere and partially because I wanted to go into the plot (or lack thereof) separately as its own miss. 

AND BOI is it a miss. 

SO home boy astruc wanted to reap the benefits of a serial show with ‘engaging’ plot without putting in any of the work to make a linear storyline and relying on the episodic format for, again, marketability. You can't have the best of both worlds, you are not Avatar: The Last Airbender. Which btw has a lot less episodes and a desired end goal that didn't involve top dollar. Legend of Korra did but that's not the point and it had its failings with that too. I challenge you, tell me how many episodes actually contribute towards a plot point or introduce new thematic elements to the show? Can you name them? I can and I'm going to include the plot points that moved the story in some direction if only temporarily. Yes only temporarily for some of these and i will explain later. (if you're in the server you already saw this list *wink*)

25/26. Origins- self explanatory, the beginning of the story, 

24. Volpina- introduction of the grimoire and Master Fu (kind of) and no, Lila is not a plot point,

28. The Collector- proper introduction of Master Fu,

37. Sapotis- introduction of Rena Rouge,

41. Syren- introduction of new aquatic power ups,

44. Anansi- introduction of Carapace,

47. Frozer- introduction of new ice power ups,

48/49. Style Queen- introduction of Queen Bee,

51/52. Heroes’ Day- introduction of Mayura and mass akumatization,

66. Startrain- introduction of Pegasus,

67. Kwami Buster- Marinette wears multiple miraculouses,

68. Feast- backstory as to how the miraculouses were lost,

69. Ikari Gozen- introduction of Ryuko,

70. Timetagger- introduction of Bunnyx,

71. Party Crasher- introduction of Roi Singe and Viperion,

73. Chat Blanc- alternate timeline that essentially means nothing but got a reaction out of fans anyways (myself included)

 77/78. Love Eater/Battle of Miraculous- Marinette becomes guardian and other heroes lose their miraculous,

New York Special- other heroes exist and there is an American miraculous box,

That's 21 episodes. 21 out of a heaping 78 plus 2 specials. Everything else was just your typical akuma of the day episode and everything that happened outside that had no lasting consequences on the plot thanks to the miraculous status quo. Was it entertaining to watch Lila stir the plot of the class dynamic? Hell yeah. Too bad it meant nothing by the end of the episode cuz we were struck with miraculous status quo. She literally doesn't appear again until Heroes Day. that is from episodes 25 all the way to 51, she means nothing and yet she is treated with the severity of a b-villain/rival thing. She means nothing by the end of Volpina if I'm being honest. She is only relevant for 20 mins of episode time she’s in then it's back to magic status quo that undoes any shift in dynamics and relationships. It's like Spongebob who can't get his driver’s license. The worst part is I actually like Lila and I wish the story treated her with the seriousness we as an audience are expected to treat her with. Despite being painfully inconsequential by the end of each of the 3?? 4?? episodes she’s in, it's entertaining to watch a character create drama just because. 

Too bad it means nothing.

Astruc is constantly building up suspense to something ‘important’ only for it to not deliver and fans are constantly having the rug pulled out from under us. Oblivio teased us with a reveal only that gets undone cuz memory akuma. Chat Blanc teased us with romantic development but that gets undone cuz time travel bullshit. Feast introduced more miraculous lore and the history of the guardians but that means nothing by the next episode or ever (i'm not including any reference to the season 4 trailer cuz i've been around the block a few times and im familiar with this lil dancy dance). Heroes Day teased us with a possible future team of heroes but that gets undone in Battle of Miraculous cuz ????? why?? (here's why; astruc was having a jolly ole time letting us know how irredeemable Chloe is at the expense of shooting his own stagnant plot in the foot. Again, discussion for later.)

Too bad anything that slightly swerves off course from the akuma of the day gets undone or ignored. Too bad nothing has any lasting consequence. I mean, if anything did, the episodes would have had a consistent order and release schedule so im not scrambling to watch the leaked ep in Portuguese or something while the french dub is two episodes behind while the english version hasnt even been dubbed. I really wonder how he plans to conclude the show when he’s so afraid to step out of the corner he painted himself in.

Again, not going into nuances. If you want you can ask for more specifics (i doubt anyone would) but this is really just a slightly detailed general overview of my opinions on astruc’s writing. 

I was going to include another miss in his approach to this show but imma save that for another time. 

How’s that for a ‘first’ post?

[avaantares]

Imma rant for a minute. (This is me being critical of a thing, so if you’re eschewing negativity right now, feel free to scroll on past.) :)

Sooooo I took a break from replaying FFVII:R tonight (last night, by the time this posts) to watch the stream of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Love Never Dies, a show I already knew to be terrible (but hey, you can't argue with free musicals, right?). Long before the musical opened, I’d read The Phantom of Manhattan, the book it’s based on, and that was... like... Hmm. Think of a bad fanfiction you've read. I mean a really bad one, one that gets every single character wrong, has the stupidest of stupid fiction tropes, includes ridiculously contrived scenarios to kill off characters and weird medical "science" and historical inaccuracies and a totally implausible plot, all mashed together just to reinforce someone's OTP which was kind of an unhealthy relationship to begin with and got considerably more unhealthy in this story, AND it includes a lengthy author’s note in which the writer bashes the author of the original work his story is based on and explains everything that author did wrong and how it should have been written, using examples from the fic writer’s own work to demonstrate.*

Then picture that as a $24.99 hardback.

So I knew the general story already, and I'd seen a couple of clips from the stage show, and from what I remembered it was all pretty forgettable. But like I said, free to watch, right? Nothing to lose but a couple of hours.

Oh. My. Goodness. I was not prepared for the full experience. It's like Phantom of the Opera and Cats had a (secret) baby that got shoved in a blender with all of circa-2004 Fanfiction.net and then pasted back together by a YA fiction editor’s intern. Despite a truly exceptional cast and some strong visual and set design, it wavered between cringe-y and I’m-going-to-hurt-myself-laughing levels of bad.

Mind you, it’s still better than the book, in which (SPOILER ALERT if anyone cares, which you probably don’t because if you’re the type of fan who would, you’ve probably already seen the show) Christine’s son is not the byproduct of a willing affair she had with Erik after she became disillusioned with her marriage, but was conceived after he kidnapped her at the Opera House, and... let’s just say consent was dubious, at best. (IIRC she was “half swooning” and not entirely aware of what was happening.) Also there’s some nonsense about Raoul being impotent from a war wound and never having consummated their marriage... But broadly speaking, the story is the same as the musical -- by which I mean it completely negates everything good and symbolic and meaningful about ALW’s Phantom of the Opera, to which the book was as much a sequel as it was to the original Gaston Leroux novella.

Love Never Dies fails as a sequel for a number of reasons: Every character you liked in the original? Assassinated. Raoul, who was willing to sacrifice his life for Christine in POTO, is now an abusive, alcoholic wastrel who has gambled his family into crippling debt. Christine cheats on her husband with a guy who has made a habit of kidnapping and threatening her, and who has actually murdered a number of people. Meg, Christine’s dearest friend and confidante, is now a washed-up burlesque dancer who -- again, SPOILER ALERT -- tries to kill first Christine’s son, then herself, then finally succeeds in killing Christine. The broadest take-home message of POTO, that kindness and love can heal even the deepest wounds, is undercut by these dramatic character reversals. Even the show’s title anthem “Love Never Dies” is contradicted by the love triangle at the center of the plot. Maybe love never dies, but that doesn’t stop Christine from cheating on her husband, Raoul from walking out on his wife and son, Erik from threatening to kill Christine’s child if she doesn’t do what he wants, Meg from betraying and murdering her best friend... yeah, let’s not take relationship advice from this group. 

But beyond that, LND is just bad structurally. The Phantom’s opening number builds up to be a “Music of the Night”-style anthem -- a dubious choice, since it makes everything he sings for the next half an act feel flat by comparison. Then we go into a surreal Coney Island segment for a while, then a bunch of really awkward dialogue exposition gets crammed in, and then twenty minutes into the show we finally meet Christine and her family, which kicks off the actual plot. The pacing is uneven. The tone is all over the map, too, bouncing between Phantom-like operatic ballads and Jesus Christ Superstar-esque carnival rock numbers. (All of which, I have to say, the Melbourne cast knocked out of the park. The vocal performances were definitely not a weak spot in this production.)

While I really like a lot of Andrew Lloyd Webber's stuff -- I've seen a number of his shows on stage, some of them three or four times -- his titles seem to be hit-or-miss. For every Phantom, there's a Whistle Down the Wind. Some of that isn't his fault; a mediocre lyricist or book writer can do a lot of damage, even with good music. This musical had two lyricists and four writers, and it shows. But IMO, this is also not Lloyd Webber’s best work. Apart from the title song, which I’ve heard often enough to know it outside of the show, I can recall the melodies of... two songs? The score isn’t bad, it’s just not as instantly memorable as Sunset Boulevard or Joseph or Phantom. And a weak story plus average music doesn’t equal a great show.

I’m sure I’ve complained more than anyone cares to read, but I have one final rant about something that caused me to startle my dog by making some very screechy noises: When Christine arrives by ship, the Phantom sends a horseless carriage to pick her up at the pier. Mind you, this scene is specifically stated to take place in New York in 1905. The crowd of onlookers is utterly SHOCKED by a vehicle that moves by itself. “There are no horses!” someone exclaims. "How does it work?"

Apparently all four of the credited writers slept through history class, and also couldn’t be bothered to Google a photo of New York at the turn of the century. Automobiles have been around since the 1880s, and by 1905, New York had so many cars on the streets that the New York Supreme Court had to hand down a ruling guaranteeing that horse-drawn transportation still had the same right-of-way as motorized vehicles, because the motorists didn’t want to share the road. Heck, my own great-grandfather owned a car by 1895! Glaring, easily-avoided errors like this jar me so far out of the story -- even good stories, which this one wasn’t -- that they actually bother me more than other, more significant failings. At least do your basic research, people. Use Google. Grrr.

Anyway, I’m just rambling now because I can’t sleep and I'm on prescription narcotics for pain and my dog is tired of listening to me grumble. Don’t mind me; I’m not actually this negative in real life. 😅

----------------------------------------------------

* I am not exaggerating. In the foreword, author Frederick Forsyth bashes Gaston Leroux and gives examples from his own works to explain how Le Fantôme de l'Opéra could have been written better. Like. DUDE. NO.

That book went straight into the donation box the moment I was done reading it. When Love Never Dies came out, I briefly regretted getting rid of it, but then I remembered how bad the story was and stopped feeling bad.

[buddha-in-disguise]

This is how it's done

Episode 5.15 at last.

While the emphasis has been on Nia's story in this episode, the synopsis made it clear Alex, Kelly and J'onn had a secondary storyline running as well. So again we were eager to watch knowing they were finally getting more than a token few minutes together.

Did it deliver?

Oh hell yes.

You just have to look on Twitter to see the praise being heaped on it by fans.

But first let's get the elephant in the room out of the way. William.

The opening sequence as Kara is fighting with Nia, and Nia has to be the one reminding Kara she has a date? Already covered by me and others, but to reiterate: that does not give a vibe of someone excited to be going on a first date. You can't even use the excuse of her mind was on the fight, because so was Nia's.

As to Kara at her apartment with Alex prior to the date?

Those words, "Cancel it for me."

Lets say (for arguments sake) it is nerves again speaking. Maybe it is, but that she is even having those thoughts? That she completely forgot about the 1st date, and needed reminding? If Kara can't get invested in the date, how are the audience expected to become invested?

As for the date itself. Kara arrives.... having been told by Alex to wear the blue top because .... well reasons .... and she is wearing the purple? So, not wanting to go with the best look then?

I didn't mind the date per se, although I did wonder if Kara was simply trying to not show pool skills, because I can't believe for a second, with Alex as a sister, and the control Kara now has on her powers (worry over lack of control would be the only other reason for her hesitation that I can think of), Kara hasn't been pulled into playing many times.

Did I get a date vibe? No. I felt more bonding yes (like why has it taken until now to even vaguely have that much), but date? Nope. Still not feeling it. If any of the above was a one off instance, you could shrug it off. But all of them? Sorry but as I say, if Kara isn't that invested in a first date, then we can't be expected to be as invested. However, that isn't to say that William annoyed me. In truth having him more on the sidelines was a relief as it finally allowed others to get some much needed screen time.

The Nia storyline.

This is obviously one extremely close to me, as my husband is transgender, and we have other family who are also transgender.

Nicole's input was definitely felt. Some of the lines she spoke were ones we have said ourselves almost word for word.

This is a topic that is one I've been extremely vocal about, and one in particular I have spoken about (in the William and Kara at CatCo scene) is the figures for transgender people killed in the last year alone in the USA, but more importantly that this number is likely not a true representation as many who die are misgendered after death.

It was so important to show just how bad for the transgender community it is. And no, it wouldn't necessarily be a fact Kara would know. Even those in the LGBTQ community aren't always aware of these figures. As for William being the one stating the figures back to Kara, again in the context I had no qualms about it. In fact having a CIS straight man write the piece and be a supportive ally is an important message in it's own right. I was worried that wouldn't come across, but I felt it did.

If ever there was a line that spoke volumes in this weeks Supergirl episode it was this:

"They want us to be invisible because of their own fears, they want to erase us so...... we need to shine even brighter." - Nia Nal

And shine Nicole Maines (and Roxy Wood, because the additional line about being a Black transgender woman - take my heart, stomp over it, then expect me to function), did. Both deserve so much praise on the way they delivered their performances.

I genuinely cried at some of this weeks episode, because the experiences have been ones we have faced as a transgender household. Being white does afford us a privilege that Black transgender people (especially the women) don't have. But as I say, it has been something I've been vocal about for a long time.

Lastly Kara and Nia on the balcony. Holy mother of god (or goddess), tears. Again. Nicole and Melissa once again were so good it felt like a punch to the gut. Kara wiping that tear off Nia's cheek. Big ugly sobbing from me. Gah! Just ....

Now Alex and Kelly. While I'm still craving a nice intimate atmosphere at home with them, having had so little of Dansen (and Kelly) it was a relief that for once Kelly wasn't given diminished screentime. Not only that, she was instrumental in helping Alex navigate through the VR world.

Alex having that PTSD flashback to being in the tank. Whoa, finally acknowledging it affected her and obviously still does. I loved how Kelly is so good at helping Alex maintain her equilibrium. You could tell it wasn't just because of her training or profession, but as a girlfriend who knows and understands how to communicate to Alex in that moment of stress, much like Alex was able to realise Malefic was manifesting as Kelly in the earlier part of the season, simply because she knew her girlfriend well enough.

Watching Alex train to get used to the Martian weapon, felt very reminiscent of S1 where Alex was training Kara early on. It was good to see her off balance for once in her training, as she has always shown a confidence in her ability until now. For those who complain she brought up wanting to be back at the DEO, as someone who has heavy military presence in our family (for at least 4 generations on my maternal side), I can safely say, going from military (and remember the DEO is recognised and spoken about in canon as being a military operation), and suddenly and unexpectedly thrown back into civilian life is one heck of an adjustment. It's an adjustment for most even when they know it's coming. To be so abrupt, so unexpected? Alex is going to want that structure back, and have that support around her. It is absolutely not unrealistic for her to feel this way or to talk about it. I would've been more surprised if she hadn't.

"And this is my gun."

Alex giving no crap. The whole rescue sequence was a joy to watch.

If I had a complaint, as I mentioned, I would've loved just a moment of real quiet intimacy between Kelly and Alex. We've barely seen anything of that sort. I hope we get something next episode (which also looks amazing from the trailer).

I could go through the episode and pick up so many times on how good it was. It was so much, I know I will have forgotten something I wanted to say. But I'm exhausted (almost no sleep will do that to you, damn being in the UK and these stupid o'clock viewing times), and it was so much to unpack.

Brainy, was barely in the episode but damn, so lovely (& heartbreaking) to see him give the information to the NCPD to help against transphobic attacks.

Onto a side plot, but finally we have more about Leviathan.

Leviathan have those bodies suspended.

What if William dies in 5.19 and becomes one of those suspended bodies for 5.20 or was supposed to, as Nicole mentioned on her Instagram story they still had scenes to film, and a couple were pretty amazing? With Staz back, would it have involved him, possibly as a sleeper agent? I've touted this idea before. While I would prefer that a MOC isn't cast into being a bad guy again, or killed off, I would more than happily see him simply go back to London and The Times. But I guess we wait to see what happens there.

But if, like Russell in 5a, he becomes an unwitting agent of Leviathan & a bad guy, cue fight scene, possibly in a VR setting? Maybe? Who knows.

Last but by no means least - they killed off Jeremiah. Since we're not entirely sure if Cadmus operated in the same way on Earth Prime as they did on Earth 38, we don't yet know the circumstances behind his death.

Will we get more explanation about it? Honestly I'm not overly bothered unless it helps serve a current storyline. Merely because episode numbers are running out, and it does at least bring us closure on his character one way or another. Something a lot of us have questioned for so long now.

As for complaints, the only ones expressing any real disappointment have been fans who have either regularly attacked other fans (especially those of in the SC or Dansen fandoms), or the outright transphobic users (I won't call them fans), who as the episode makes clear, are everywhere. The transphobes come out in force everytime with Nicole, so it isn't a surprise to see them again. As Nia says, it what transgender people face on a daily basis.

Plus with no Lena in the episode, it helps show that fans didn't need a Lena/Kara centric episode for this to garner such positive reactions, particularly from the LGBTQ fans. In some ways, as many have been saying (yes even SC fans), this Lena drama has long since gone by its sell by date and not having Lena once more stuck in her laboratory wasn't missed. And god, I say this as a huge Lena fan. I still want her on screen of course, but we need progression on what is happening with her. Both Lex and Lena have felt stale of late, and while I know it changes as we get into the last few episodes, I can truly say neither was missed this time. And before anyone jumps in, no this isn't bashing SC (I still ship both Dansen and SC, as well as Brainia), or saying SC shouldn't happen, or Lena is evil, or not needed. I don't think that at all. I merely am getting tired of a merry-go-round on Lena in her laboratory that we've had of late, & the only interaction has been with Lex. Time to break her out of that cell!

I don’t know what they were putting in the water in Vancouver when they did the Batwoman and Supergirl episodes this week, but they both had me simultaneously laughing & crying! It looked ugly for a minute there.

Both were outstanding episodes.

As much as I've had my criticism over some of this season, when Supergirl get it right like they did here, they soar! This was one of my top episodes for the entire series.

And despite all the news in the world right now, Supergirl trended on Twitter again.

Gif courtesy of @ Daily_danvers on Twitter.

[rosaline-kei]

Under My Wing - Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Boruto/Naruto nor the characters.

Fandom: Boruto: Naruto Next Generation.

Parts:  「1」 ,「2」 ,「 3 」

Chapter 1′s Title: Out of Retirement

Synopsis: After her father had taken up Boruto as his student, Sarada began to feel a little... at a loss. Sure, Sasuke still teaches her some things, like how he taught her that Fireball Jutsu. But unlike to Boruto, he isn't her fulltime mentor. And now, she doesn't know who to turn for guidance in mastering her Sharingan. That is, until the Sixth Hokage came along. (Might contain Manga Spoilers)

Rated: T

Pairings (To note: Romance isn’t the main focus, though. But there will be pairing moments, just not a huge lot): Boruto Uzumaki/Sarada Uchiha , Sakura Haruno/Sasuke Uchiha , Naruto Uzumaki/Hinata Hyuga

Read it also on / Leave a Review at:

Ao3 or FF net

Author’s Note (READ AFTER READING CHAPTER): Okay so, this is my first time writing a Boruto fanfiction. I really love Sarada as a character, and I like the idea where Kakashi trains Sarada. Thus, I wrote this haha. However, the thing is I watched Boruto before actually watching Naruto (I mean, aside from the few episodes I watched on Tv when I was a kid, but I didn't really watch it chronologically lol). For a long time, I did want to watch Naruto, but never got around to it because of the many, many episodes. But I did so woohoo.

So, I just want to say my Naruto knowledge about its lore and world-building may be weak. Thus, if I make any mistakes writing about the Jutsus or even personalities about the characters, please tell me! To be honest, I've been afraid of actually writing anything Boruto or Naruto related because I'm pretty much scared for getting bashed by people if I get anything mistakenly wrong. So, haha GG to me.

Please leave a review (here or on websites linked above^^) ! I'd love to hear your thoughts and constructive criticism too!

-

It had almost been two years since Boruto Uzumaki started his training with Sasuke Uchiha.

In that time, it was irrefutable to say that the young Uzumaki had improved his abilities to a far extent, more than what most people would expect. Even Mitsuki, who would visit his parent’s hideout every now and then for a ‘simple’ round of training, had been improving, his Senjutsu, especially.

As for Sarada Uchiha, she had been making progress too. Except, she didn’t think she was making enough progress to be on par with Boruto and Mitsuki. Though, she’d never admit that much to them. She would prefer to keep these sort of thoughts and insecurities to herself as of now.

After these two years, Sarada who was now at the age of thirteen, was dissatisfied with her current ability level. Because even after the two years of missions and strenuous trainings she had with Konohamaru and the rest of Team 7, and even with her father sometimes, she still had one tomoe in both of her Sharingan eyes. She was dissatisfied with herself.

Sarada found herself walking around the training grounds, wanting to find a vacant spot to do some shuriken-related training. Supposedly, Konohamaru had been tasked to take her and her teammates off to another assigned mission today. However, he had unfortunately caught a bad case of flu. And the Seventh Hokage, being the kind man he is, gave him a break and reassigned the mission to another team.

Maybe I should go visit him later, with Boruto and Mitsuki. Sarada thought.

Just then, she heard a familiar loud idiot-like yelp erupt. Finding herself growing worried bit by bit, she rushed towards the direction where that noise echoes, to only see that that idiot was just training with her father.

Hiding behind a bush that was quite a distance away, she disguised her presence as much as she could as she decided to stay and watch a little. She wondered if her father had noticed her presence, considering he had eyes that were much sharper than hers. And most of all, he had all three tomoes in his eyes. As for Boruto, she wasn’t that concerned about him discovering her presence.

“Gahhhh! This is so hard!” He complained, sounding quite exhausted. From afar, it looked like they were practicing Shuriken-Jutsu. And it seemed like Boruto was having a hard time with his aim.

“You were able to properly aim all six shurikens at all six targets. No difference with eight of them. Weren’t you able to do all eight accurately last time anyway? This isn’t anything new.” Sasuke replied, with a stoic tone that Sarada was anything but unfamiliar with it.

“Yeah, but we did do an extremely intense Ninjutsu training earlier! And I am feeling a little tired…” Boruto reasoned with a sigh, he hadn’t had a break throughout this entire training session. Sarada knew her father was strict when it came to training with Boruto, so she could understand his exhaustion. But she also knew that even if he sounded as childish as he was two years ago, she knew that he had matured… at least, in some aspects. Unlike last time when he ran off, thinking his Rasengan had failed, she knew if he failed again now, he wouldn’t run away like last time. He would try again. He would not give up. So what he said next didn’t surprise her.

“So you want to stop?” Sasuke scoffed.

Determination suddenly gleamed in his eyes as he quickly shook his head, taking out eight Shurikens. “Hell no!” He exclaimed.

As much as Sarada wanted to stay and even join them, she decided not to, even if she was planning to do some Shuriken training too. She didn’t want to interrupt them. Besides, she was sure her father already had enough on his hands with Boruto already.

As she continued her walk to find another suitable spot, the conversation she had with her mother a few days ago began to flash in her mind.

-

“Why the sad face, Sarada? He’s coming back after another mission very soon for dinner today.” Sakura beamed, before sitting next to her daughter on the couch. She had just finished making dinner. When Sarada didn’t answer, she gave her a small nudge to snap her out of whatever deep thoughts she was having. “Did something happen with Boruto and Mitsuki or…?”

“No, Mama, nothing happened.” Sarada offered a small smile. She was telling a half-truth, though. It was true that nothing serious happened between them at all, like arguments, fights and whatnot. But at the same time, it was also true that those two were a part of the reason why she seemed a little troubled.

She wondered if it was normal for someone of the Uchiha Clan to not have at least two tomoes in their eyes by now. She had wanted to ask her father about this for quite a while now, but she had been hesitant. After all, he always seemed hesitant when it came to sharing anything about the Uchiha history.

All Sarada knew about her heritage was pretty much limited to the book she had read about it before, and even that book’s full content about Sharingan and their users was restricted. And she wished she knew why. But at the same time, a part of her was afraid to know why.

“You know, you can tell me anything.” Her mother’s tone softened into something warm and gentle, it was a tone that never failed to soothe her. To say the bond between her and Sarada was strong, was a huge understatement. Sarada loved and cared for her mother dearly. The same went with her father, of course. Although for the most part, if she had any problems regarding her emotions, she seemed to turn to Sakura more often.

However this time, she decided to only tell her a little bit of her troubles, considering her father was more or less a factor for it. She didn’t want to worry her, or her other parent. “I feel like I’m falling behind Boruto and Mitsuki.” She admitted, “I mean, it’s been more or less two years… and my Sharingan’s still…” She began to trail off, but Sakura already heard enough to understand.

“You’re still young.” Sakura spoke softly, “You still have time to improve on your strengths. And Sarada, trust me, you aren’t falling behind. Konohamaru told me the other day that you’re improving, he even said you’re getting much better at chakra control and ensuring you won’t—”

“Yeah, but still...” Sarada had cut her off, “It’s just… the Sharingan, I… I don’t know.”

Sakura’s eyes softened. She could undeniably empathise with her daughter. She once felt left behind, too. But, Sarada was anything but weak now—she was much stronger than she ever was at her age. “You can always have Konohamaru to train you personally on your Sharingan.”

“I did. But… I mean, he’s not a Sharingan user. There’s a limit on how much I can learn from him.” Sarada reasoned. If she had the courage, she would’ve told her mother about how she envied Boruto ever since he became Sasuke’s disciple. And then, she’d have told her why she never pestered her father too much on training her despite the fact he was the only present Sharingan user known to her—it was because she didn’t want to use up their family time for the sake of her training. It was because she wanted her Mama and Papa to spend more time together, too. But she didn’t. She didn’t tell her.

The thing was, she told her father that she was okay with him training with Boruto. She told him that she didn’t mind. And despite her current emotions and thoughts, and as contradictory it might sound, she still stood by what she said. Maybe it was because of the glimmering enthusiasm in her childhood friend’s blue eyes that made her unable to say that she didn’t want him to train with him.

Besides, it’d do Boruto good to train with Sasuke. He was definitely improving vastly as a Ninja now. Admittedly, he still had that rash attitude of his, but ever since he trained under him, he was… well, less of an idiot. That was the best way Sarada could put it.

Plus, it wasn’t as if her father didn’t take some time to train her. He did teach her that Fireball Jutsu. It was just, unlike Boruto, she wasn’t his fulltime disciple. She just wished…

“Sa-ra-da.” Sakura spoke, “You—”

Sakura’s sentence was cut off by the ring of the doorbell. Not wanting to keep whoever was waiting behind the door, she paused in her conversation with Sarada and went to open the door, revealing Sasuke.

After that, their conversation wasn’t continued. And Sarada would now never know what Sakura was about to say to her, but she could guess that her mother who had her sharp motherly senses, had probably figured out the full reason of what had been troubling her.

Yet, she didn’t continued their conversation. Instead, they spent what was left of that remaining day having dinner and doing some family bonding. To say the least, that family bonding did make her feel a little happier, and it had been enough to shoo off her concerns temporarily.

-

This is a perfect spot. Sarada thought, as she began to take out some of her shurikens.

Honestly, there was a part of her who did want to ask the Seventh Hokage—Naruto Uzumaki, to be her permanent mentor, considering she knew he was an extremely close friend of her father’s. So surely, he must know more about it than Konohamaru, right?

But she knew The Seventh was busy enough with his duties as Hokage. Not to mention, Sarada wasn’t so selfish that she’d steal any remaining free time from Naruto. She rather have him spend that time with Boruto and the rest of his family. She didn’t have the heart to steal away their family time. She knew how much Boruto wanted to spend more time with his father, even if he never said it out loud.

She could’ve asked her mother, too. Sakura was his wife after all. But she already seemed busy with her job at the hospital. Moreover, by the time she came home from work, she still had to do some household chores and make dinner. Sure, Sarada assisted her as much as she could, but there were days where she couldn’t due to her trainings and missions. She’d come home to a tired Sakura most of the time. And she didn’t want to exhaust her any further.

Although, maybe if one day Sakura was free and not tired, she might ask her if she could teach her some Medical Jutsu. Sarada had been growing a little interested in it recently. But, her main focus for now was her Sharingan, so it seemed.

I don’t know who else to ask. Sarada thought as she sighed quietly before throwing her shurikens at the target boards that were on the trees. And all of them had hit the target. Maybe I should try it with the kunai. She thought silently before taking out a pair.

However, just as she was about to throw, she sensed someone nearby. She then noticed she was being watched.

How long had she been watched?

Before she could turn around, she felt that someone approaching her from behind, getting closer. Not having the time to determine if the new presence was malicious or not, she quickly activated her Sharingan. Clenching onto her kunais tightly, she turned around swiftly, only to loosen her grip on her kunais as she realised who it had been watching her.

“Calm down.” She hadn’t seen him for quite a while. “It’s just me.”

Her red-coloured Sharingan eyes faded back to black as she watched the Sixth Hokage—Kakashi Hatake—approach her.

“T-The Sixth?!” She exclaimed, wondering what he was doing here, or rather, why he was watching her.

“Hello, Sarada. It’s been a while since we last chatted like this.” Although Sarada was unable to tell since he wore that mask, he was smiling a little.

It was just a nice feeling to see the daughter of two of the people he had once guided in Team 7, growing up well. He remembered seeing Sarada as a new-born child when Sasuke and Sakura had returned from a mission. He was glad that they returned safely, and was glad Sakura had been able to deliver her safely despite the fact she was on a mission.

It was just a touching feeling to see the old Team 7 he had guided, to have grown so much. The only bad thing that came out of them starting families and whatnot, was that he was referred as an Uncle by Boruto. Am I really that old? He had wondered at that time.

Well, unlike Boruto, Sarada never really called him Uncle. She often referred to him as The Sixth Hokage—Rokudaime, if anything.

“What are you doing here all alone?” He queried.

“I was… practicing Shuriken-Jutsu… what about you? What are you doing here?” She questioned back, curious.

“Hm? Oh, I was searching for you.” He answered, and before Sarada could ask another question he quickly continued. “I saw Sasuke not too far from here training with Boruto on Shuriken-Jutsu too. You could join them.”

And that’s when he saw the young Uchiha’s eyes and even expression, soften into something along the line of sad. “I wouldn’t want to interrupt them.” She gave a weak smile.

It was just as Sakura said. He thought, as he remembered the day she had approached him.

-

"I haven't seen you in a while Kakashi-sensei." Sakura had chuckled lightly.

Kakashi sighed lightly, "You know, I'm technically not your sensei anymore."

"Don't say that." Sakura said, "To me, you'll always be Kakashi-sensei. Besides, you don't complain so much whenever Naruto and I call you that." She smirked a little.

"Yeah, yeah..." He rolled his eyes a little, thankful for the mask that hid the smile that had just formed on his lips. He didn't need anymore teasing. Although he had to admit, he was indeed quite happy that most of his students still referred to him as 'sensei', even after when he had become the Sixth Hokage. "What did you call me out for, anyway?"

Kakashi was definitely caught off guard by what she had said. Although, before he could say anything, she continued. “Aside from Sasuke-kun, you’re the only one who had the Sharingan after all.”

Had. He was a Sharingan user, albeit not anymore.

“Of course, I know you’re still the Sixth Hokage, who still has responsibilities, so you don’t have to. It’s just… even though Sarada has trained her hardest, she feels a little dissatisfied with herself, especially with the fact that she still only has one tomoe each in her eyes even after two years. And even though she doesn’t say it out loud, I know she wants to at least train with someone who has experience with the Sharingan. But she doesn’t want to bother her father more than she already does, since he already has Boruto to teach. She’s… a considerate girl.” Sakura sighed. It seemed like she really could read her daughter like an open book. Because what she said was true, even if Sarada never told her about it. “Of course, Sasuke-kun still teaches her new Jutsus every now and then, like that Fireball Jutsu. But he hadn’t done so much recently with her, since he still has that mission and not to mention, his Boruto’s mentor now.”

Kakashi heaved a heavy sigh as he scratched the back of his head, “But why ask me? Aside from the Sharingan part, I’m sure Konohamaru is doing a great job, no?”

“That’s true.” Sakura sighed, “But it seems like she really wants to focus on that Sharingan of hers. Plus, you already know her dream, she wants to be the Hokage. No one else is better suited than you.”

Kakashi thought about it for a while. As of now, he didn’t have that much responsibilities as compared to Naruto who was probably still working at the Hokage’s office. Granted, he still had some duties as the Sixth Hokage, especially since there was still that ongoing Otsutsuki issue. But, he wasn’t so busy that he couldn’t take in a student.

Plus, he knew Sarada had an immense amount of potential. She had inherited Sakura’s strength and Sasuke’s Sharingan. It would definitely be a waste if she didn’t maximise her potential to its fullest. And to some extent, he could see what Sakura meant. The best way to master the Sharingan, was to have someone who had more experience with it, to teach the less experienced one.

It wouldn’t hurt becoming a sensei again, would it?

Shrugging his shoulders as he heaved another heavy sigh, he groaned quietly, “I can’t believe you’re making me come out from my retirement as a sensei, Sakura.”

-

“Rokudaime?” Sarada called out when she noticed Kakashi had been spacing out. “Why were you looking for me? Did I do something wrong?” She asked, sounding a little worried.

Kakashi quickly shook his head, “No.” He answered simply. “But you don’t have to call me Rokudaime anymore. Starting from today, you’ll be calling me Kakashi-sensei.”

Eh? Sarada had always been intelligent, but still, it took her brain quite a while to process what he had just said. And when it did, only one word left her lips.

“EHHHHH?”

[camillemontespan]

the interview he walked out of [drake walker]

@moonlightgem7​ @jovialyouthmusic​ @sirbeepsalot​ @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​ @burnsoslow​ @pug-bitch​ @ibldw-main​ @emichelle​ @dcbbw​ @katedrakeohd​ @mskaneko​ @gardeningourmet​ @notoriouscs​ @pedudley​ @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld​

         ***********************************************************************

These are the things I know about Drake Walker. He is half American. He met his wife, Camille Montespan, at court - she was a commoner taking part in the infamous suitor competition to win the King's hand in marriage. Little awkward, I must say. Drake was awarded the title of the Duke of Valtoria. He now shares two children with Camille, his daughters Lily and Luna. In the space of seven years, he has come a long way from the commoner at court.

Having read through my colleague's interviews with him, he seems friendly and has settled into his role as Duke quite well. A surprise considering he is not of noble blood and was known as the King's best friend, riding along on his tailcoats.

Duke Magazine used to be very selective in who they interviewed. I used to meet Dukes who have inherited their title through generations and Dukes who attended prestigious boarding schools. Now, I meet a commoner who can trace half his family back to Texas and who openly admits that he hates dinner table etiquette.

We meet in a hotel suite. He looks, like everyone says, not like a typical Duke. Instead of wearing expensive designer clothes, he is dressed in a dark blue Henley shirt, brown leather jacket and dark jeans with boots. He looks like an urban dad on the school run. 'Suits have never been my scene,' he tells me, almost bashful.

Drake is perfectly nice. He shakes my hand, says its good to meet me and asks if I want a coffee. So far, polite. Good first impression. He's been taught well.

I ask him how he finds being a Duke, having been in the job for seven years now. He now sports a beard, as opposed to his clean shaven face when he first came to public attention, and he has laughter lines around his eyes. He was twenty-eight when he became the Duke of Valtoria and newly married. He smiles and settles back, relaxed.

'I'm actually really enjoying it,' he says. 'I've found my feet, after what seemed like an age. Mind Over Matter is doing well, it's making a difference. I'm making a difference. Everything is great.'

Ha. I repeat that quote back at him jokingly and he turns red. 'Ah, yeah,' he says. 'The famous quote.. Well, it's true though.'

What has he learned in the seven years of being the Duke of Valtoria?

'God, I've learned a lot,' he muses. 'Just to try not to repeat my counterparts mistakes. Be the difference. And also that I am a really overprotective dad - I didn't realise how anal I could be about parenting.'

He doesn't talk like typical nobles. It's.. disconcerting.

I wonder if he has anything else in the pipeline aside from Mind Over Matter. He shakes his head. 'Not yet. Right now, the charity is my baby. I want to focus on it completely, make it the best it can be.'

Mind Over Matter has somehow managed to prove its critics wrong. I'll admit I was one of those naysayers who viewed the campaign as a glorified Boys Weekend, casting doubt over the campaign before it even began. I tell him this and he bristles.

'I don't get how people could be negative about something that is so positive,' he tells me. 'Men get emotional too. If women are feeling under pressure they may go out with friends or to a spa, and people call it self care. So why can't Mind Over Matter be viewed in the same light?'

I have to argue that Cordonia is traditional in the sense that home life is important. Husbands being away from home for days on end so that they can hike up mountains and kayak seems neglectful to their wives. Family values are the most important thing in Cordonian society.

Drake eyes me. 'I can tell you now that my wife does not feel in any way neglected. She encourages it actually. And we raise our family in the best way we can.'

Even with his justification, he is still a Duke with responsibilities who chooses to go away for long weekends to take part in Mind Over Matter. This is completely different compared to previous nobles I've met who attend palace balls and polo matches.

'I want to be a present Duke,' he explains, clearly tired of having to explain himself. 'The campaign gives me a chance to meet all types of men from all over Cordonia. I'm not just meeting Valtorians, I'm meeting everyone, and that, in my opinion, is a big deal. I want to be there for everyone, not just a select few.'

Drake clears his throat. 'Let's move on.'

We do. Does he ever feel like he has won the lottery whenever he thinks about his life?

'Very much so,' he answers. 'I often get imposter syndrome you know? Like I don't deserve any of this. I've got Camille, I've got my daughters.. I thank my lucky stars everyday.'

Drake has had to prove that he is worthy of the title of Duke more than most of his counterparts. He has dealt with a slew of negative press asking if he is up to the job.

'It was a learning curve,' he admits. 'I didn't know what to expect when me and Camille were installed at Valtoria and suddenly were given titles. We both felt like frauds which is why we've worked so hard to make a difference in Cordonia.'

They have certainly shaken things up. They are the first noble couple to pioneer their own campaigns. They talk about mental health. They advocate for women's equality. Their modern outlook is at odds with the traditional nature of Cordonia. Many have criticised them, saying that they should stick to what they're best at, which is supporting their duchy. I will admit I was one of them. It's not like Drake and Camille are qualified doctors or therapists. What can they possibly change that a professional can't?

Drake's eyes widen at this question. 'I think that's so narrow minded,' he says. 'I'm sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it is. Everyone struggles. Just because I'm not a doctor doesn't mean I can't help or offer support. I use my platform for good. I don't want to show off wealth or my title. When I lived at court, I would see so many nobles who were arrogant and looked down on those who weren't born with the same privileges as they have. I'm different, Camille is different. We want to get to know the public and hear about their issues. Why even have this role if we can't help?'

I am about to speak but he bulldozes through.

'We're changing things from the inside out,' Drake explains. 'We were the first nobles to reintroduce the concept of Open Houses, which is when our duchy can visit our house and talk to us personally about any issues they need help with. We don't shy away from the public, we actively encourage them to speak to us. We work hard to shape Cordonia into a more modern and equal place. I want the future to be different for my little girls. I want them to be happy, to have opportunity and to feel they can do anything they set their mind to. I want them to feel safe.'

Safety. Drake obtained a restraining order against the paparazzi when daily stalking became too much for the family. It means photographers aren't allowed within 12 feet of them and if photos are published of their children, pixels are placed on top of their faces, obscuring the image.

I understand that Drake is the ultimate family man so a restraining order was not a surprise. But what I can't get my head around is why do Drake and Camille, who constantly say their privacy is important, take part in magazine interviews like this one?

'Because we have things we want to promote,' he answers dryly. 'I don't do these interviews because I'm desperate for attention.'

I've hit a nerve. I press on, suggesting that they can't have it both ways. Many journalists were incredulous when Drake and Camille drew red lines around their private and public image.

'Look, we chose to protect our family,' Drake says. 'I think if any man was in my position, he would do the exact same thing. Camille and I may have accepted our roles but we genuinely want our kids to have as normal a childhood as possible. So if that means no paparazzi, perfect.'

Despite the restraining order doing its job now, there are many pictures out there that were released before it came into action. Pictures such as holiday photos of the couple, particularly Camille in a bikini. Everyone knows what she looks like scantily clad and it lead to men's magazines calling her Cordonia's Sexiest Duchess. How does it feel to be married to Cordonia's most admired woman?

Drake's jaw becomes set when I ask this. 'I feel lucky to be married to her because of who she is. She's amazing. But she's not an object or a trophy, that's completely demeaning.'

And yet, column inches are dedicated to how to achieve her bikini body. People can't get enough. How does Camille feel about that, I wonder?

'Can we not talk about my wife's body, please?' he asks. 'Not appropriate.'

The images are out there though. Everyone has an opinion. Drake and Camille are more like celebrities than nobles, which I think is why everyone is so interested in them. When bikini pictures become part of the news cycle, Cordonia goes crazy. Plus he can't deny that she is a stunning woman. She has the whole package.

'Camille is more than just her looks,' Drake says. 'She is fiercely intelligent, kind and the best person for the role of Duchess of Valtoria. If you have to mention her, talk about her work for women's equality in the workplace. Or that she visits children's hospitals at Christmas time with Santa. Talk about those things but don't talk about those magazines that print pictures of her body, just don't. She's worth so much more than that.'

I steer the conversation away and ask about the two of them as parents. Drake has admitted he is over protective. Is Camille the same?

'Yes but less so,' he tells me. 'I think it's just in my nature to always want to protect my family. I protected Camille when she first came to court. Camille tries to calm me down but even she has her moments when she worries if Lily is eating enough vegetables or Luna is sleeping well. But that's normal. Every parent doubts their abilities, you just gotta believe that you're doing a good job and raising them right.'

I wonder if that is due to Drake losing his father as a teenager and Camille losing her parents to drugs. Perhaps they are trying to over compensate for their broken backgrounds. But Drake abruptly stands up, shaking his head.

'No, I'm not continuing this anymore,' he tells me. 'I'm done.'

I apologise and say we won't discuss Camille again but Drake is adamant that he won't sit back down. 'You brought up my wife's parents. By all means, ask about my dead father and my abandonment issues but don't even try to discuss my wife's parents without her present.'

I try to explain. Her background is so vague, her PR team have tried their best to keep the details private but we all know her parents struggled with drug addiction. Camille will politely answer one or two questions and then steer the conversation away, which I always feel is a cop out. Unlike her husband, she does not go into too much detail about her struggles.

Drake bolts up from his seat. I stand up to try to placate him but the Duke of Valtoria won't be calmed. 'This is over,' he tells me firmly. 'I'm fucking done. It is not my place to answer questions about my wife or her parents. That is HER story.'

I try to stop him from leaving but he is quick to pull on his jacket and mutter swear words under his breath.

I ask him to sit down so we can start over but he turns to me, his eyes filled with fury. 'Camille is the strongest woman I know,' he hisses. 'She has been through hell and she's come through the other side brighter and stronger than ever. She makes a difference and she loves Cordonia. She genuinely cares. Make THAT your fucking headline.'

He storms out of the room. He's walked out of this interview, creating a headline that is now out of his control.

                             **********************************************

Drake slammed the front door and stormed through the hallway. He felt sheer rage.

Camille rushed out of the living room and stopped him from entering. 'Baby, what's happened?' she asked. 'The girls are in the living room, be calm.'

Drake sighed and gestured for her to follow him into his study. He crumpled down onto his chair and placed his head in his hands.

'I lost it,' he muttered. 'I walked out of the interview. I know that's so unprofessional and will look really, really bad but jesus, Camille, the stuff he was asking!'

Camille knelt down in front of him and placed her hands on his knees. 'Drake, look at me,' she murmured.

Drake looked at her reluctantly.

'Whatever he asked, whatever is printed, will not be the end of the world,' Camille told him, her voice steady. 'Negative press just comes with the territory. We can rise above it.'

Drake clenched her hands tightly. 'He mentioned your parents,' he choked. 'He asked about your bikini photos. He spoke about you like you weren't worth anything. I felt so angry on your behalf, Camille. So angry. The thing is, he wasn't doing it to get a rise out of me, he was doing it because he wanted a particular angle for his damn article.'

Camille closed her eyes. 'People are going to ask about my parents, Drake,' she said. 'It's expected.'

'He suggested we over compensate on our parenting because of our backgrounds,' Drake spat. 'Complete dick.'

Camille placed her hand on his cheek, her brown eyes boring into his. 'It's okay,' she whispered.

'I'll order them to pull the article!' Drake burst out. 'I'll make sure they don't print it. All it will do is get other journalists asking you shit about your parents and I don't want you to endure that humiliation. I'll threaten, I'll sue, I'll do anything to keep this article from reaching newsstands -'

Camille pressed her finger on his lips, silencing him. 'Baby, breathe,' she said quietly. 'Breathe.'

Drake looked down at the floor and exhaled. 'I just want to protect you.'

'And you do,' Camille told him. 'You always protect me. But Drake, you can't sue every newspaper that dares to ask difficult questions. It's part of the job.'

'Yeah but you shouldn't have to be subjected to it!' Drake shouted. 'It's not fair!'

'It's what we signed up for,' Camille whispered. 'Media poking their noses into our business and lives. We knew this would happen.'

Drake's hands were tight on hers. 'I don't want them to decide your story,' he whispered, his voice cracking. 'I don't want them to define you.'

Camille kissed him softly. 'They won't. I'm Camille Walker.'

Drake smiled weakly. 'Camille Montespan to the press.'

Camille shook her head. 'Formality. I'm Camille Walker, Drake. I'm your wife and the mother of your children. I'm already defined.'

Drake let out a shakey breath and pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her. 'I love you,' he murmured.

'I love you too,' she replied. Drawing back, she sat back on her heels and gave him a serious look, her chin raised. 'I'm not upset. Let them print it. They can print all the shit they want but that doesn't make any of it true. You know who I am, I know who you are. That's all that matters.'

                           **********************************************

A few weeks later, the article was published. It was a short article due to the fact that Drake walked out mid interview. Drake didn't read it, instead choosing to look the other way when he saw the magazine on news stands.

Until he was forced to look at the magazine cover which Camille had framed and put up on a wall of her study.

'Why have you framed this?' he asked, mortified. 'It's embarrassing.'

Camille wrapped her arms around him and looked up at the picture. 'I don't see it as embarrassing,' she explained softly. 'I see it as my husband standing up for his wife and family.'

Drake blushed and squeezed her hand. 'I can't believe you framed it.'

Camille chuckled. 'Well, you do look pretty hot. It's nice seeing your younger self.'

'Do you not like my beard?!' Drake asked, pretending to be offended.

Camille giggled and kissed him gently. 'You age like fine wine, Drake Walker.'

Drake smiled and looked at the magazine cover properly, this time without shame.

[bigskydreaming]

Like, the thing you guys gotta understand is my loud opinions are far more defense mechanism than they are “I think I am right and nobody else is ever and people should listen to me only.”

Nah. They’re literally just me being as loud and as visible with the stuff that matters the most to me as is possible....because that actually minimizes the flack I catch for y’know...stuff I’m truly passionate about believing.

For example, my online behavior and tendencies in fandom on tumblr specifically....were largely shaped by my experiences in Teen Wolf fandom. Where I started out being as civil as possible wherever possible, and gradually got louder and angrier over time because THAT DIDN’T MATTER. Its why tone policing is bullshit, through and through. Because the real issue was never HOW I was saying what I was saying, it was what I was saying at all.

See, I flat out don’t like the fandom fave Stiles, as he’s portrayed on the show, and never did. Not from day one. He bothered the fuck out of me from the pilot. And this is a very controversial opinion in TW fandom, and was far more so back when I was first becoming ‘known’ in fandom, whatever the fuck that means or is even worth (seriously, its not worth a lot. You guys, stop putting so much weight in the visibility of more ‘well known’ bloggers....that doesn’t directly translate into the influence you think it does, especially when those bloggers are still holding what the majority of a fandom deems ‘unpopular’ opinions).

But back in my early TW days, I wasn’t really ‘known’ at all, for my blog and my opinions on the show. I was better known for my fics, which at the beginning, I was writing and updating fairly quickly. I’ve published somewhere just shy of 100,000 words of TW fanfic....and the vast majority of that was all written in just the first year or two in fandom.

And the thing is, for people who just found me on Ao3 and not on my blog originally....they weren’t as immediately aware of my bias against Stiles. Because I hate bashing ANY characters in fic. Even ones I don’t like, because the point of fanfic for me, is to FIX my personal issues with the source material, improve on the things *I* especially dislike....so even though I dislike Stiles on the show, in my better known TW fics, he was still present, and I was still trying to be as true to his core characterization as possible, WHILE addressing what I considered his core problem areas.

The kicker being.....a LOT of Stiles-fans LIKED my fanfic depiction of Stiles. A lot of S/terek fans included. You look at my TW fics like Where Wild Things Are or Lightning Crashes in particular....you’re gonna find a LOT of comments from self-proclaimed S/terek fans and Stiles stans....and those are just the ones I didn’t delete when I was forced to aggressively moderate my comments when a lot of those same commenters got loud and angry at me.

Which they did see....once they started connecting my Ao3 account to my blog, and my opinions on the show in general, which were starting to be more widespread in fandom due to some better known mutuals. I mean, its not like it was a big secret. My Ao3 pen name for my Teen Wolf fic is bigskydreamin’. It....wasn’t really anything I felt I needed to clarify, lmao.

But once people realized that the very same writer they liked for his take on Stiles very vocally disliked the show’s Stiles because of behaviors and scenes that I quote unquote deemed abusive (which I do, and stand by to this day).....they went fucking APESHIT on me. Like.....I can not even TELL you the extent of the nasty comments, anons, emails and reviews I got from some of the very same people who previously were glowing in their praise of my fics, especially the Stiles scenes.

All because I didn’t like the show’s depiction of certain behaviors and toxic dynamics, and set out to improve these things in my fic while being true to the characterizations....and which they had LIKED....until they realized my take didn’t come from a place of “oh I think Stiles is just the best.”

And then the fateful day came when one of them flat out asked me why I didn’t ship S/terek and if I would ever write S/terek....

And I had the balls to answer honestly. LOL. I wasn’t even insulting or offensive...just blunt. I told the person that I have serious issues with S/terek because of the power dynamics and the way they’re romanticized within fandom and most fics rather than called out and addressed, and I said I would never have any interest in tackling these topics myself in any kind of S/terek fic because my own past with abuse makes the ship just inherently unappealing to me because of how I perceive it, and I feel zero desire to ‘fix’ a thing I wouldn’t want on any level to begin with.

And they went and told all their friends and lol, RIP the rest of my TW years - and this was probably back in like, Year Two of my time in TW fandom. For a more accurate estimate, look for when I lost the will to update my big fics, because like. What was the point? Any positive reaction I got from updates at the time was just drowned out by the hate I got for adding to a story many of them were still reading, judging by the way my hit counts were still pretty steady with what they’d been with previous updates.....but that at the same time, they were heaping all kinds of shit on me for just....having opinions they didn’t like at the same time as I wrote stuff they still DID like.

The juxtaposition of those two things....lol. Man. Its a trip, I’ll tell you that.

And to be honest, the same thing has been happening ever since I started being more involved in Batfandom. You guys know how I reblog a lot of my own posts? That’s not something I used to do like, ever in TW fandom...because all the content I was making then was fresh. But I’ve always been a fan of Dick Grayson even while I was knee deep in TW fandom, so my longtime followers can tell you....I’ve been making these posts about him all along. A lot of my more popular Dick Grayson posts were written years ago, before I started getting active in this fandom....which only really happened over last summer. 

And the difference in TONE in a lot of my posts, is a lot of the ‘tamer’ posts.....which express the exact same viewpoints I have as in my more heated posts.....is because my ‘tamer’ posts were written as one-offs that I just wrote in passing while in a fandom that generally didn’t have any interest in my Batfamily musings....which did not at all stop me from still making those posts from time to time....because I don’t post ANYTHING for the sake of getting notes. Its literally just shit that’s on my mind, that I want to put out there for people to do whatever the hell they feel like doing with them. 

And so most of the posts I reblog, that seem more ‘mild’....its because I wrote them years ago, they got like maybe ten notes at the time, lol, and I’m reblogging them now because I have more of a platform and think they’d still be of interest to fans of that content specifically....but the stark tone difference is because when I wrote THOSE....nobody was jumping on my back the second I hit post to tell me how obviously wrong and stupid I was for not getting this or that or that and having this opinion on this character or just “caring too much about fictional characters.”

Like, you get what you give, people. You throw shit at me, eventually, I’m gonna start throwing shit back, and no, you don’t get to be pissed about that when all the evidence is there that I’m MORE than capable AND willing to have a good time just by myself....and more than happy to have people join in....as long as nobody’s being a douchebag. But if you get your douchebaggery on and start making my life hell....I’m gonna start raising my voice, because that shit fucking sucks.

The sheer vitriol I got for simply stating that I have no interest in writing a S/terek dynamic I see as inherently toxic due to the inherent power imbalances, BECAUSE of my own history as an abuse and rape survivor, which I was frank about.....it blows my mind. People are literally OFFENDED that in response to questions THEY asked me, I said....I do not like this thing, because of how it affects my feelings about my own trauma. 

Like, for years I have gotten monthly hatemail in my asks for spreading toxicity and hate through the TW fandom and ‘hurting real abuse/rape survivors by misleading people and calling S/terek pedophilic and misusing terms like that’....

And the utterly hilarious thing (in that not at all sort of way), is I have never ONCE called S/terek pedophilic, or anyone who ships it a pedophile. Never. Once!

You know why? Its not even because of my own personal view on whether or not that’s an accurate label for that ship....its because IT WASN’T EVEN RELEVANT TO THE SPECIFIC CRITICISMS I’VE ALWAYS FOCUSED ON MAKING.

Like, I literally never even got AROUND to expressing whether or not I thought that was a label that applies to that ship, because I’ve always had plenty of thoughts just purely on the specific power imbalances as I break them down in my view of that pairing....REGARDLESS of what you label those power imbalances. I don’t fucking CARE about the terminology. My concern has never once been what the fuck you call it, so I never made it ABOUT what anyone calls it, and purely focused on why I think it isn’t healthy just in specific terms.....and yes, pulled from my own personal experience and knowledge of abuse to back up why I feel that way, and to clarify why I feel so strongly about it.

But does any of this matter? Nope. Because all people cared about when directing hate my way for my oh so controversial opinions was not what was accurate to my views, but what was effective in discrediting them.

And the same shit is already happening in Batfandom, and its obnoxious, and tired, and yeah, its why I’m already kinda coming out of the gate hot and heavy, because within like....less than two months of me starting to post more regularly about Batfam specific content and getting some followers who have large fandom presences and boosted my posts to a pretty broad fandom circulation....

Its like, welcome to TW fandom, rinse and repeat.

Hardly any of the actual flack I’ve gotten in this fandom so far has anything whatsoever to do with my opinions on the Batfam....its almost all about the fact that I don’t like noncon/pedophilia/incest fics and am critical of the permissive attitude fandom spaces have cultivated around this stuff. And of the fact that I think the culture of false positivity fandom spaces try to enforce at the expense of marginalized fans who try to speak up about their experiences with racism and other forms of oppression and bigotry online, like, is similarly bullshit. Like, the thing people don’t like me for most of all, is that I’m LOUD and OPINIONATED about saying that these things specifically, fucking suck, and here are my own personal experiences that make me feel that way.

And notice the lack of actual argument with my actual posts. Notice how its all about ME....my volume....my ‘irrationality’....my obvious mental health issues (I’ve heard that one a couple times already, lol - no shit, I’m ADHD, have longterm PTSD, and a literal lifetime’s worth of trauma I’m still actively unpacking and sorting through, lol, what the fuck was the revelation in me having mental health issues? I’m not shy about it, and I don’t use it as an excuse for being an asshole.....guess what? I’m an asshole sometimes, and I can absolutely point to when and where I’ve been one. I’m not hiding it, and I’m not hiding behind mental illness).

Plus, y’know there’s my ‘fake wokeness’ because a white man can’t have any possible reasons or experiences that lead to him choosing to prioritize supporting people of color in fandom over other white people while still firmly being motivated by things that are born of his own life and his own lane, and just *gasp* happen to make me care more about certain shit than other white people do, like.....I’m as transparent as I am about my feelings and motivations for a REASON. I’m not UNAWARE of any of this or how I come across.....the thing so many of you don’t get is that none of this is a multiple choice test where you have to circle the right answer and you pass, you’re a good ally or a good influence or a good person.....all of this is just life. Its just us all making choices and everyone else reacting to those choices in whatever the hell way they choose. 

I’m not trying to win any points with anybody.....if I DID care about cultivating my own influence in fandom, I MORE than have the communication skills to couch my most controversial opinions in language that would be more palatable to the MOST influential corners of fandom, draw more people in, be less alienating or distancing to people who have a kneejerk defensive reaction to a lot of the things I say....like, however influential I may or may not be in various fandoms and various fandom circles....I am perfectly aware of how I could say or do things differently to have MORE influence in broader reaching circles....I just fucking hate that kind of game playing. 

I’m the opposite of trying to win points....I just want the people who are around me and who follow me to actually RESPECT me enough to fucking listen to me and what I have to say....because otherwise, how do either of us even benefit? What’s the point? Who’s gaining anything from any interaction?

So yeah. I’m loud, and vocal, and opinionated....I say exactly what’s on my mind and I don’t apologize for it. I’m an asshole to people who are an asshole to me first, and sometimes I fuck up and I’m an asshole to people who don’t deserve it. And if you call me on that and I pull my head out of my ass soon enough to notice in time that you’re right and I owe you an apology, I’ll do that! And if you don’t want to call me on it and choose to take the offense I caused as a reason not to follow me or interact with me any further....that’s perfect valid and understandable too, and absolutely your right! Do what you need to do for you!

But the one thing that will never ever ever win you any points with me and that I just despise more than anything....is the fundamental lack of awareness, and lack of respect for me and what I’ve lived through....that the S/terek readers of mine who started the chain of events that led to me settling on my current approach to interacting with fandoms.

That thing where some people in various fandoms think its perfectly acceptable and reasonable to like some of my fan content....but then get pissed and upset with me because I don’t like all of the same things you do, think all of the things you do, and am judgmental about various ships you might have or fics you might read or write......and then take this out on me.

Nuh uh. Not okay. Never okay. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, I DO NOT SIT THERE AND TAKE THAT SHIT.

Because the thing the people this describes seem incapable or unwilling to grasp is....

For all your talk of “don’t like/don’t read” and telling me and other survivors to take responsibility for curating our own fandom content and experiences and avoiding things that might trigger us....

Even when I TRY and do that to the absolute BEST of my ability.....some of you still get pissed at me and go on the offensive because I don’t want to interact or be around certain content or people who are inspired to create that content....because of what it brings up for me, because of my various past traumas.

Like, that’s what it boils down to, IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES. People liking what I have to say, until I say I don’t like something they don’t like and here’s why....and then its open fucking season, because how dare I not want to associate with them because that association is likely to expose me to triggering things they also at the same time expect me to take responsibility for avoiding, so as not to blame anyone else for my exposure to such things.

Can you please maybe understand why that fundamentally DOES NOT FUCKING WORK??

And is not only utterly unreasonable, but offensive to ask of someone who’s just trying to participate in fandom and have a good time and simply STATE when and where relevant, that there are things that impact my ability to have a good time, just as there are things that impact the ability of other fans to enjoy themselves alongside you as well?

Or are we ever going to get around to some people admitting that their fandom experiences have absolutely nothing to do with caring about the ‘community’ people swear up and down exists, and solely prioritize their own personal enjoyment, and FUCK everyone else? (While meanwhile, also being all: but why aren’t they making more of the stuff that I at least was enjoying when they weren’t bitching about not having fun here?’ LOL. Can’t ever forget that part.)

Its just.

You all are fucking exhausting sometimes, I swear. And that doesn’t mean I’m going anywhere, because I have as much right to be here as anyone, and I DO still manage to have a good time a lot of the time in spite of this crap, but that’s never gonna stop me from saying I have a right to have more of a good time and less of a literally triggered time, if any of you might ever care to prioritize that for me as much as you ask me to prioritize your good times for you.

This isn’t me doing anything other than saying....you all are fucking exhausting sometimes, I swear. Because sometimes, I just want to say that. Sometimes, it feels good to say that. And at every time, I have every damn right to say that in any way, shape or form I want to say it, at any volume I want to say it at, because none of this is me yelling at anyone, it is every single one of us sitting safe and comfortable in front of a screen of some kind, reading someone else express themselves and deciding how we want to take that expression and what’s being expressed, and how we want to react or not react in turn.

Like....just...its that fucking simple. That is literally all so much of this fucking ‘discourse’ is. People experiencing life in different ways than other people, and some people wanting to improve their experiences, some people wanting their experiences to stay just the way they are, some people wanting to ignore every experience that doesn’t fit their expectations or desired interactions, and other people just.....idk, just being fucking high, let’s face it, half the shit on this site is just plain weird and I like to assume the best of humanity and just chalk it up to half this site’s user base being high as fuck most of the time they post, LOL. 

*Shrugs* Congrats if you actually read all the way through to the end of this post....like....this is where I reiterate...I have ZERO expectations for this post. I have NO clue how people will react to it, how many or how few people will take it in the way I want it to be taken, especially because *I* don’t even know how I want it to be taken or what I would like to come of it. This is literally just me saying shit that is on my brain in response to my own personal experiences on this site and in this fandom. It is utterly, 100% up to you guys to decide what you do with it from here.

If I have one want for all fandoms, I guess it would just be.....for people to look to their own behavior and motivations and choices and take responsibility for their own shit before projecting onto other people and expecting them to do all of that while still refusing to do any of it themselves.

Too many people keep trying to drive one way on what are supposed to be two-way streets, and being shocked when that repeatedly results in collisions, pileups, accidents and blatant hit and runs.

We all live in a society.

Quit treating other members of that society like they only exist to cater to your existence alone.

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Worst of 2019

I had to follow-up my “Best of 2019″ list with its opposite universe counterpart but before I give the movies that made me suffer another lashing, let’s make a couple of things clear. I’m not a paid professional and even if I was, all I would be is a film critic. Making movies is hard. Nobody in the industry aims to do a bad job - there are much easier ways to make a living. Even though I might’ve hated these films with a passion that still smolders now, I’ve got mad respect for anyone who decides to put themselves out there and put together a movie. At the end of the day, your work is going to live on. You made something millions will see. Me? I’ll ultimately fade away. Take this into consideration as we single out the movies that tried and failed, sometimes spectacularly.

10. Cats

Cats is the kind of movie that doesn’t come around often. It’s actually kind of fascinating to watch, or it would be if it weren’t so boring. Rebel Wilson (who was destined to have a movie on this list when she starred in The Hustle) plays a cat who unzips her skin to reveal an outfit… above her skin again? She leads a choreographed troupe of singing mice and cockroaches that fill you with terror and confusion. It’s as if they’ve been scaled so the actors could scoop them up and swallow them whole - as cats would do - but because human proportions are so different from cat’s the objects and other animals they interact with change size from scene to scene. Meanwhile, Idris Elba is prowling around with his coat all open, his non-existent junk exposed to all who want to see. Our main character is so bland and unmemorable she makes no impact on you whatsoever. There’s magic in a plot that’s composed almost entirely of introductions - which might make it accurate to the broadway show but not entertaining as a movie -, dodgy special effects in every frame, lame jokes coming from the left and the right… and yet, I don’t hate this film like I do the others on this list. In fact, a part of me even admires Cats.

The thing is, had this movie worked, it would’ve been hailed as genius. It didn’t so it’s being ridiculed but I have to give it points for its ambition and willingness to take chances. That means a lot in a year in which every single one of the top ten grossing films were sequels, remakes or expansions of already-existing properties.The gamble didn’t pay off, but Cats had the guts to walk up to the plate.

9. Dumbo

I was tempted to lump The Lion King and Aladdin along with this tale of a baby elephant that learns to fly while a family of circus performers learn that the big circus tycoon played by Michael Keaton is a meanie. Few of the Disney “live-action” remakes do anything to validate their existence. They’re just feeding you what you can already watch at home for free because you probably already own the originals on home video or you have Disney+. I’m going to single out Dumbo as the worst because it actually tried something different and failed spectacularly. This means we can expect all future Disney remakes to take as few chances as possible.

8. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

There are other movies I could’ve put in this spot (see the Runner-Ups section below for examples) but I had to consider the experience as well as the movie itself. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot is an unfunny comedy that walks into the room as if it’s going to marry your mother and be your new father. It makes fun of the very thing it’s doing. This might make it appealing to members of the “View Askewniverse” cult but not to me. Whether you’ve been brainwashed by Kevin Smith or not, it’s impossible to sit through the painful bonus material which follows the film, particularly the interviews conducted by Jason Mewes. The actor displays no charisma whatsoever while asking questions you don’t care about to people who obviously don’t want to be on camera. I get what Smith was doing; he was trying to give his fans more than just the movie but anyone in their right mind should’ve seen the bonus footage and burned it.

4. Dark Phoenix

What a disappointing way to end the X-Men franchise. Dull until the very end and then interesting for just enough time to make you realize you didn’t just dream it all, the movie was a bad idea from the start. We haven’t known the young version of the X-Men long enough for this story to mean anything and the choices made to make this story more faithful to the comics makes you wonder if you stepped into the wrong movie. Even before seeing Dark Phoenix, I thought people were being too harsh on The Last Stand. They did a lot of things wrong in 2006 but they had the good sense to leave out the aliens. It’s not great but it’s been somewhat redeemed since because its plot advanced the series and meant something in the end. Even if Disney had considered keeping this franchise alive while it was acquiring Fox, this is such a mess they now have no choice but to reboot the whole thing.

4. Jexi

Jexi feels like it just escaped from a time capsule. Even when it would’ve been new, it wouldn’t have been funny. This had no business appearing in theatres and watching the trailer again reminded me of why I hated it as much as I did. If you suspect you have mutant powers that just need to be unlocked by a traumatic or life-altering event, barricade your doors and start playing this movie. You’ll want to escape so desperately, you might suddenly develop the ability to bend space and time.

6. Rambo: Last Blood

This 5th entry in the Rambo series didn’t even have the guts to commit to being a proper conclusion. The titular character appears to succumb to his wounds as the picture closes… only to get up and go find medical attention during the end credits. Senselessly gory and violent, its depiction of Mexico leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

5. Shaft

No one was asking for this movie, not even fans of the original Richard Roundtree films or the 2000 Sam Jackson reboot. It tired story attempts to introduce a new version of the classic blaxploitation character to a new audience. In the process, it makes you hate the two “heroes” we follow through a generic plot filled with offensive humor. The only good thing about Shaft is that it prompted me to check out the originals.

3. My People, My Country

The Farewell made me think a lot about how we should view other cultures, particularly China. In it, Awkwafina’s Billi is caught in a moral dilemma when she learns her beloved grandmother is dying and that her family is keeping the secret from sweet Nai Nai. You go in thinking the American-raised woman is going to do the right thing by tearing the charade apart but it’s not long before you realize this scenario isn't that simple. When it comes to My People, My Country, I am going to judge. What’s the moral of this movie again? Give up your life, your dreams, your family for the sake of a country that sees you as nothing more than an expandable pion? If that weren’t bad enough, the movie’s so dull it’ll be an epic struggle to stay awake. Whose idea was it to have an entire segment of this anthology dedicated to the engineers who ensured the mechanism that would raise China’s flag in 1949? It’s as exciting as it sounds.

2. ¡Ay, mi madre!

The worst part of this list is that I know how few people reading will be able to relate. ¡Ay, mi madre! wasn't released theatrically in North America, but movies release “Straight to Netflix” have become such a big deal I’ll make an exception to my usual rule of disqualifying direct-to movies from this list. In terms of filmmaking, this is the worst movie I’ve seen in a long, long time. It’s more technically inept than anything else on this list by far. The comedy is so unfunny it’ll make you question your life, the actors are not convincing even before they open their mouths to speak and the ending might as well be a big middle finger towards the people watching. It ha no ending, almost as if they cobbled together the few salvageable strands of footage someone scooped out of the trash into something vaguely related to “coherent”. Remember the name so you know never to click “play” if you happen upon it like I did.

The Runner-Ups

Simmba

I was deeply offended by this Bollywood film but technically, it’s a 2018 movie so I decided to only include it here. It’s loathsome but admittedly, my hatred for it has somewhat subsided since I saw it. Don’t ask me why. This movie sucks.

Playmobil The Movie

This is what we thought we were going to get when they announced “The Lego Movie”. Terrible songs, a lazy plot that makes terrible use of the property it’s advertising, unfunny jokes, and a lack of imagination guarantee this film is destined to make everyone involved regret the day it was released.

Hellboy

Yet another failed superhero movie that enthusiastically sets itself up for a sequel when it’s so obvious to everyone watching that there isn’t going to be one. The one thing it’s got going for it is a pretty cool scene towards the end where demons escape into our world and begin tearing civilians to pieces. To get to that, you must sit through endless scenes that bash you over the head with a mallet marked “Rated R”. Gallons of blood and intestines spilling onto the floor, doesn’t mean the movie is meant for adults. This was written by a teenager disguised as a grown-up.

Gemini man

They waited all these years for the de-aging technology to get where it is now… for this story? Someone should’ve pointed out to director Ang Lee when he was getting ready to film that training doesn’t alter your DNA. Why waste millions cloning Will Smith when you could just raise a normal kid and train them to be an assassin? Ultimately, the movie isn’t really all that bad. It’s watchable but it’s such a big disappointment it needs to be taught a lesson.

Replicas

I’m giving this one a break because no one saw it. I also think it’ll play better at home, where you’ll be free to make fun of it or verbally abuse the loopy plot aloud while your friends listen. If there’s a movie this year that was “So bad it’s good”, it’s this one.

After

At least “Twilight” had its original take on vampires and some danger mixed into its romantic triangle to keep things theoretically interesting. This film started off as - I kid you not - a “One Direction” fan-fic. The drama it serves up will have you howling like a werewolf flying through laughing gas. On the upside, a sequel is coming. In fact, the teaser is scheduled for today!

1. Unplanned

This was the most uncomfortable movie experience of 2019. Most of the Christian propaganda films don’t seem to put much effort into their production - they’re preaching to the choir so why should they? - but 2019 had Breakthrough, which was quite good. It showed these movies don’t have to appeal solely to the churches who will buy tickets en-masse. This movie is ridiculous, gory like a horror film, misleading, and phony. It did have what is undoubtedly the most outrageous and unintentionally funny dialogue of the year, however. “Fast food outlets look to break even on the hamburgers they sell. That’s all they do is break even ... Do you know where they make all their money? The french fries and soda. Low cost, high margin items. Abortion is our fries-and-soda.” Are we sure this was based on a true story? If so, I don’t know why the director decided to edit out the scenes in which Cheryl (Robia Scott) takes the buckets of aborted fetuses home to cook them. I think it would’ve really driven home how evil her character is. I felt dirty sitting in the theater next to people who ate this up.

[msjiaerw]

MY TWO CENTS FOR JACKSON’S NEW MV/SINGLE: BULLET TO THE HEART.

It’s beautiful. 

That’s how I want to start this. 

It’s unmatched, unparalleled, unsurpassed. He had made upbeat, strong songs about freedom and success in the past but this is the first time he actually became vulnerable. 

This is his feelings. His raw emotions. His silent struggles put into his own form of art. 

If you’re a Jackson Wang stan, you know what he has been going through this year. And what he goes through on the daily. The hate, the bash, the criticism. You’re probably one of the people who have defended him, online and have probably messaged him compliments just to stray him away from the hate. 

So you know what he’s going through. And this song, is something you can resonate with him. Generally and as a fan. 

I both felt it hard. 

This song came right in time of my life where I’m just feeling lost somehow. I kept asking myself do I still love what I do? Why am I still here? 5 years freelancing and I’m still here. No major achievements. No changes. No nothing. 

All I get is abused for being too kind and forgiving. Let my efforts be wasted and burnt. I’m getting drained. I’m tired. I’m done. 

Then Jackson hit me with his line in a comment with 

“We insist because we love it too much.” 

I insist being tortured, bruised and battered mentally with what we do; My passions and the craft I chose to pursue. 

I insist because I love it too much. 

His MV, “the devil in the black dress” personifies his thoughts, hopes and dreams. He’s restrained, he wants to break free. He’s manipulated, it’s holding him back. 

All his thoughts, hate and criticism is torturing him mentally. The pain he wants to portray is like a bullet to the heart. 

It makes you numb. It instantly kills you. Breaks you down into pieces. 

This was a work of art. And I don’t know what else to say so I’m ending this with a letter for Jackson Wang, even though he’ll never see it. But let’s just pretend this will reach him somehow. 

Dear Jackson Wang,

I am proud of the man you are now. I see your struggles. I felt it. I’m also going through it. I promise you are not alone. 

I just want to know that you are heard. Whatever you’re going through right now, it will pass. Time will heal you. Love (from your fans, family and closest friends) will heal you. I promise you that. 

You are heard from the minute you create such beautiful music. Each and everyday you practice, make mixes, adding beats and write music, everyday is a win for you and your passion. 

Please promise me, you will still continue this for as long as you can, until your heart is satisfied from all your accomplishments in your life. 

I’ve seen you grow from a boy to a man. I am not far from your age (in fact you are older than me only by a year), but I feel so proud to see your growth. I feel like a proud mom seeing you accomplish and create something so beautiful. 

I will always be here to support you. I promise. 

With utmost love and adoration,

Ms. M.

(this is so personal omg. haha pls stream his mv!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZbsCXrBcyA) 

[godzillajuniorreborn]

Godzilla King of the Monsters review

In memory of my father. Even though we didn't always see eye-to-eye, without him, I would've never become the fan of Godzilla I am today. Thanks, Dad.

Here it is, my belated review of the recent American Godzilla movie that serves as the sequel to Gareth Edwards' 2014 cinematic reboot and the third installment in the Monsterverse. I saw this movie on Sunday with my mom and brother. Let me just say this to the critics who bashed this movie. I am so sorry this movie doesn't pander to your standards. I'm sorry this movie doesn't exactly have a hidden agenda for you to latch on to. I'm sorry this movie was made for the fans of Godzilla and Kaiju in general. But, you should have known, after seeing the trailers, this movie was going to be a monster slugfest. I also find your critiques very hypocritical since you're more willing to bash this movie yet give praise to the MCU despite those movies not being in the realm of reality. With that said, let's get on to the review.

Story: Five years have passed since mankind bore witness to the rise of Godzilla and the very staggering realization that monsters do exist. Now, humanity is aware of the gigantic beasts known as Titans. However, a dark plan to overthrow humanity and return the rule of Earth to the Titans is underway as an eco-terrorist and rogue Monarch agent let loose a powerful, dragon-like Titan locked away within Antarctica named King Ghidorah whose very presence can summon Category 6 hurricanes all over the world. As humanity faces a worldwide monster apocalypse, Monarch finds itself in a race against time to stop the evil Ghidorah as Godzilla and the other Titans, including the lepidopteran Mothra and the pterosaur-like Rodan, are on a collision course for a battle to decide the fate of the world and who reigns on top as "King of the Monsters".

Let's start with the cons. Just a warning, there WILL be spoilers:

1. The pacing: The first half of the movie feels like it goes a little bit too fast. In the first thirty minutes, we are introduced to Mothra, Ghidorah's awakening in Antarctica as well as his first battle with Godzilla, Rodan's introduction, Godzilla getting incapacitated by the Oxygen Destroyer, and Ghidorah taking control over the other Titans. Luckily, the movie slows down in the second act and allows the audience to catch their breath.

2. Not a lot of Titans: Despite the movie having a total of about twenty Titans, the only ones to get any screen time dedicated to them are the Main Four (Godzilla, Mothra, Rodan, and King Ghidorah) as well as four new monsters (Behemoth, Scylla, Methuselah, and Bosmuto). That's a total of eight Kaiju out of at least twenty with the majority either being names on computer screens or a cameo from Kong. In addition, Rodan and Mothra don't appear that much in the film, mostly taking a backseat to Godzilla and King Ghidorah.

3. Some scenes feel incomplete: For example, there is a scene where Madison (Millie Bobby Brown's character) steals the ORCA, a device meant to communicate with Titans designed by her mother and father, and she does so with little to no effort at all, despite it being a key component in Alan Jonah's (Charles Dance's character) plans. You'd think for such a key instrument, he'd have someone at least guarding it. Heck, in the novelization, there's one guy protecting it who Madison takes out with a taser. In the movie, Maddie just swipes the device with no opposition whatsoever.

4. Emma Russell's Plan: In this movie Emma Russell (Vera Farmiga), after losing her son Andrew to Godzilla during the Battle of San Francisco, apparently went mad and decided to give the planet back to the Titans and is working with Alan Jonah, a former army colonel turned eco-terrorist to set about bringing forth a Kaiju apocalypse by setting loose the Titans from their hibernation and having them fix the planet's ecosystem. Yeah, while it is obvious she's being driven by five years worth of grief and she's not in the right mental state, here are two things wrong with her plan (Heck, even Jonah who is the film's main human villain calls her out on this.):

The Titan you have spear-heading this operation is a three-headed dragon who we later find out is from space and was so feared, ancient people refused to go into depth about him (which should be a major red flag that nobody wants to even acknowledge his existence).

Emma says the radiation brought up from the Titans results in new plant-life. Okay, this lady clearly hasn't heard of the effects radiation has on plant-life. Three words: Red. Forests. Chernobyl.

Granted, she kinda gets proven right, for as soon as the Titans are free, the world gets better, but, she was still willing to kick-start global genocide. When a former British Colonel turned eco-warrior is calling you out on your crap, then something's gone wrong.

Now, the pros:

1. The four main Kaiju: Godzilla, Rodan, Mothra, and King Ghidorah are all perfectly realized. As much as I loved the 2014 reboot, I felt like Godzilla could've had a few more scenes to it to flesh out his character. Here, Godzilla is the main character and we get a better grasp at his personality: a weathered, determined king who feels the weight of keeping the natural order in balance on his shoulders. Speaking of personalities, the other three Toho Kaiju have their own distinct personalities, though one gets a category on his own (and I'm pretty sure you know which one) with the stand outs being Rodan who has a hot-headed rogue feel to him but tends to showcase his loyalty to the current Alpha Titan while Mothra is purely benevolent and seems to have a touch of Anguirus' personality with her being loyal to Godzilla alone. I also think this may be the most aggressive incarnation of the Goddess of Peace since GMK.

2. King Ghidorah: The 1991 Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah film was the first Godzilla movie I ever saw, thus King Ghidorah was the first Godzilla villain I saw and he was TERRIFYING. I mean, he's a three-headed dragon the size of a building, that alone is scary. Michael Dougherty succeeded in reminding me why Ghidorah was a nightmare of my childhood. This version of the King of Terror is the most evil I've seen of the character, even more so than Grand King Ghidorah (and that's saying a lot considering that version of Ghidorah was willing to kidnap kids so he could suck them of their life-force as a snack). I like how each of his three heads have their own personalites; the center head being the cold, calculating, arrogant leader, the right head is smarter yet also more aggressive, and the left is an over-achieving, psychotic manchild that has to be kept in line by the center head. In addition, this is the one film villain of 2019 who is evil just for the sake of being evil. There is NOTHING worth sympathizing over. For starters, he's an alien dragon (Yeah, that's right, alien.They don't mince words on that either.) who wants to terraform Earth into his own liking (and it's implied he's done this to other planets as well). He has no conscience, no sympathy, no empathy, and no mercy. He's evil. Nothing more, nothing less. Putting it simply, Ghidorah is that one villain whom you're going to love simply on the grounds of how despicable he is.

3. The Music: The score for the movie by Bear McCeary is excellent. In addition to the classic Ifukube themes for Godzilla and Mothra, it also gives themes for Rodan and Ghidorah that fit them with Rodan having a fast-paced, bombastic theme and Ghidorah having a theme with the Heart Sutra as part of his leitmotif that makes him feel all the more demonic.  I also like the heroic theme given to Monarch.

4. The Human Characters: IMO, I found the human characters surprisingly likable and engaging. They were fleshed out (well, much more than you'd expect in a typical Godzilla movie) and had their own story arcs. My favorite characters would have to be Ishiro Serizawa (Ken Watanabe), Ilene Chen (Zhang Ziyi), Alan Jonah, and Rick Stanton (Brad Whitford).  Rick especially since his jokes are actually pretty good. I also like Alan considering he's not your typical Godzilla human villain who wants to use the Orca and turn the Titans into weapons of war, rather, he comes off more as a Miyazaki villain like Kushana or Lady Eboshi, in that he has good intentions (he's sick and tired of humanity's nonsense and it would be better if the Titans took back the planet), it's just his execution of this plan involved the near extinction of human civilization and the reliance on a three-headed, psychotic dragon from space. Also, Mark Russell (Kyle Chandler) is pretty much the anti-Haruo Sakaki. He holds a grudge against Godzilla, but even then he knows it's downright suicidal to try and fight him and, in the end, realizes the Big G's the only thing standing in the way of Ghidorah's machinations. Heck, some of his actions save more people as opposed to Haruo whose blind hatred towards Godzilla got people killed.  

5. NO! POLITICAL! AGENDA!: Seriously, am I the only one sick of seeing overly PC elements in movies nowadays? I mean, I get it, there should be more representation, but when those themes bring a film to a screeching halt, it feels more like propaganda posing as entertainment. Luckily, KOTM doesn't do that. If anything, it sticks closer to the themes of the Godzilla franchise (coexistence with Nature and what not) and the only political jab it made was a mention of a Titan attacking Stone Mountain. However, it's so brief and so quick, you'd miss it and it wouldn't change a damn thing. Heck, the only actual politics in the movie is a conference scene you'd expect to see in a Godzilla film. Not only that, but none of the main female characters (Emma, Madison, Ilene etc) are Mary Sues, not even Mothra who is the most powerful of the main female leads (yes, Mothra is technically a character) is all powerful. Emma, despite her stupid, STUPID plan, is clearly not thinking straight due to five years of mourning her son and going extreme with Serizawa's belief of the Titans bringing balance to Earth clearly isn't helping. So, yeah, this movie isn't trying to get Woke points, it's trying to tell a story.

6. The Action Sequences: Aside from one scene, most of the action in this movie is probably some of the best out of any Godzilla film, heck, it's some of the best action I've seen in a Kaiju movie in general. And, trust me, if the anime Godzilla trilogy left a bad taste in your mouth (not that I blame you), you can rest comfortably that we get a proper fight between Godzilla and King Ghidorah. Also, this is the first time we get to see Godzilla and Ghidorah really go at it.

Overall:

This movie was exactly what I wanted to see from an American Godzilla film. It was also the nice little pick-me-up after the utter disappointment that was the anime Godzilla trilogy. Frankly, I think Kong better have something up his sleeves when he and Godzilla have their cinematic rematch next year.