Tumgik
#i just have the same thoughts as always. idk how many ppl wanna hear me say the same thing over n over again :t
nygleskas · 6 months
Text
hi sorrey for not being on lately. to make up for it.. look at my guys
Tumblr media Tumblr media
5 notes · View notes
honeyvenommusic · 6 months
Text
.
#the idol system is such a fascinating and scary thing to me#like hearing shit over the years it's like how does anyone survive it?#(i'm staying away from all the anti-blackness of kpop & their fandoms rn so just the system)#((that was more for me bc my brain wants to go in that direction bc hooooooo. it's the main reason i cannot vibe w more than a few songs#over the last almost 15 years cause like knowing.... anyway))#like i just got groundfloored w a group rn via jbrekkie shoutout michelle like literally their debut is 24 hrs from now i've rabbitholed#since i heard their snippet on her vid and like the way ppl talk about it already like... as an outsider it's like alriiiight here we goo#they're (mgmt) pipelining another group of ppl let's be sure to support it! streamstreamvote!! oo it looks like their taking the toy/doll#route w these girls super aesthetic let's goo. & like......????? and ppl are already rabid about it. it's wild. and like this is the system#this is it. they make groups and then tease and the people who follow the conglomerate see it and are waiting to#be fed another x amount of folks doing formations and looking cute/hot open wide and consume#(like ik some (or a lot) of those accnts are bots/plants to pad the release and gain traction against algos but like also real folks too)#like not to discredit their vocal work (&dancing though some (alot) of these grps are not nearly as lit w 'dancing' as folks hype em up to#be Frfr. good movers/formations/camera motion & body rolls do not a dancer/good choreo make) but it's really secondary for a lot of#folks atp it's so strange & fascinating. and like i dug the song that's why i'm here so no knock against that but just the factory of it al#it's so damn WILD to me. but at the same time let's be real here. same dish different kitchen for a lot of western pop#they're just more transparent about it and have streamlined finding their popstars & having the public be great w it#it's just... i think it would be less strange if stan culture wasn't a thing or at least more mild than it is now#if it wasn't blown up to this unfathomably massive ever-churning industry by people in literal droves#idk idk i have a lot of thoughts on kpop it's truly a very interesting thing and to have been aware of it and into it to#an extent a while before the sonic boom in the west is an incredibly wild thing to look back on#like i wanna follow this (mostly cause i wanna hear the whole song) but also v curious but also like man the system is bad for many#reasons & here's another batch on the conveyor belt. idk :/#like as long as the participants are happy and healthy and being actually taken care of and not advantage of then great but#yk. the music industry at large is horrible (and esp to women) so like. god ide wanna think about the disparities btwn girl & boy groups#(like to start are they not referred to as 'male groups' on the reg but 'girl groups' more often than 'female'? always w the infantalizing#like given girl group has way more ring than female group but the words still conjure up different things it's just how language works#but boy group idk if i've ever really heard someone use that? and there's been a long time battle w the reclamation of 'boy band'#like it's still dirty for a lot of folks but anyway v western context but there's a large fanbase here so many fans speak as such#this is what we call our own pop groups etc. and it's just interesting and sad idk anyway it's just... huuuhhh a lot.) ok gn lol
0 notes
scarletanpan · 2 months
Text
.
Ill shut up about my gender soon I swear but like. The thing where I would get physically uncomfortable as a kid when I would hear any recording of my voice bc it sounded way deeper to me. Was that some kind of dysphoria ? I chalked it up to not understanding how sound processing works but idk.. it made me Real upset. And my voice still gives me dysphoria now bc like have u heard Sade?? I wanna be her.. I blame her I was obsessed w soldier of love as a kid
Bc idk my childhoods spotty but i remember many weird thoughts and feelings. Wasn’t just the voice thing, also believed that further proof of being a boy and no one telling me was just. Having 'boy' interests?? Even tho I shared half of them w my sisters. And idk strange yearning every time we went to the store bc I wanted to go to the boy clothes section so bad. Didnt know why. Assumed I felt like I was missing out bc idk video game tshirts but it was def more than that..
Like in 5th grade my ‘im secretly a boy’ theory died bc I met my homeroom teacher and went ‘oh wait ladies can have deep voices too. nevermind’ (forgot sade existed ig??) and never thought abt it again. Also puberty happened. But ik middle school i was still on something bc yea I made friends w nerdy guys bc same interests but. I was always staring at them, kind of wished i could be them?? Like esp my friend who was my neighbor, i was desperate for approval so i’d bring over my aunts laptop and he’d play gta the whole time while i sat there and just put in the cheat codes i memorized what a weird fucking time. And he had a cool brother and father, I went over there a lot, i def felt envious of idk. Everything abt it?? I can’t even put it into words
Not mentioning the shit where I pretended to be a boy in yt comments as a kid and def felt a little happy when ppl would he/him me. But only online, if anyone thought I was a boy in person I got mad and hurt like huh?? What was goin on in my child brain
And I picked Ethan in heartgold. Like fucking pack it up the evidence is starting to get overwhelming atp.. Red was my yt icon too and just a fav, still is love him, but yea kept picking guys up until u could change clothes in pkmn. The way it adds up im… idk lots to think abt. I still like being nb bc why limit urself to one gender when u can have them all but. Being a guy might be my favorite idk its fun
And I have to talk to my doctor in 4 hrs and this time I Won’t get to scared to ask abt T I swear
2 notes · View notes
gregoftom · 1 year
Note
I'm the new tomgreg anon, had a family emergency recently so I've just finished s4 e1, and you're right!!! This episode is so delicious, I feel like there's this definite linking between logan/kerry and tom/greg that the writers trying to do??? Like kerry being the one specifically approaching greg about bridget, the "logan's friend, assistant, and advisor" line, and then tom talking to logan but then the camera focus on bridget in the background and right after that he calls kerry? The many reminders that kerry is sleeping with logan but also suddenly a reminder about greg's gay dad?? And then tomgreg being so close talking about sexual encounters like WHY do you wanna know the details so much tom?? And greg not being able to admit that he cum, which means he definitely didn't, and then when greg confessed it to logan he made it sound like bridget was the one who jumped him by being eager and under the influence lmao tom immediately talking shit about bridget and then greg also disapproving of her behavior when she tells them she asked logan for a selfie ashffjfkgll I can't, the fact he didn't even know her last name and admits to tom that she's just 'another name in the list' but tells kerry and colin that he's fond of her? Feels so much like he's just doing it because he thought that's what tom would like him to do (since I guess that idea was cemented in his head after tom and shiv told him to climb up the ladder)
THEN shiv accusing tom of taking turns with greg??? In the same episode where she was jealous of naomi pierce because she thought the meeting was not about business?? She was definitely jealous there I think she senses how important greg's become to tom but still in denial
Not to mention all the touches tomgreg do this episode, greg is like an overly eager puppy with tom, and tom still wanting to tease greg with the cctv thing like sure they've gotten close now but that urge to tease greg is still there that's how he has fun y'know, even though the teasing is not that mean anymore lol I think he'll always tease greg on little things even when they officially get Together together later down the line
hiiii new tg anon! i'm so happy to hear from you again and so happy that new ppl are coming into the fold all the time, ahh <3
YEAH GODDDD LITERALLY just wait just fucking wait it gets more. keep kerry in your hip pocket because when you finish the show it'll get even more HUH????? in how much it is insinuating. just wait on that front. just wait. and YEAH tom is so funny like girl just SAY you wanna know if greg came or not bc you're possessive of his ass just saaaay it my man. i've said it before but greg also saying "we put our hands down each other's pants" lends to the idea that the whole thing never even happened. like maybe she pulled him into a room but the whole even sexual encounter didn't even take place. so idk what happened but. bridget was wearing a dress, so how could he put his hands down her pants????? makes no sense right? add that to him not being able to say he could come.... yeah i don't think anything happened. i think his embarrassment and shame MOSTLY came from the fact that he lied and he had to hastily cover that up and thus slipped with the pants thing when he told tom, bc tom pressed it out of him. greg is so comphet it's insaneeeeeee. if we think about this it's entirely plausible to say his ass has NOT even touched a mf woman. it's piss easy to spread rumours if you're a guy in his environment that you're some kind of slick asshole casanova, especially if you have the rep that you hang out with a fellow guy and y'all go out and score chicks. also interestingly, a very good cover up if you and fellow guy wanna fuck on the down low. just as an extra benefit.
god don't even SPEAK to me about that, that whole thing was inSANE. like that started the whole, shiv is aware thing, and adds fuel to the fire of greg is the mistress thing. there's more of that later too, so add that to your hip pocket along with kerry to keep in mind. may i also remind you that "we sometimes have a drink shiv" is the same response tom gave about naomi; that they were just getting a drink which indicates that shiv has the Exact same suspicion about greg as she did about naomi. same excuse. and exactly like, i don't think she actually cares if tom is fucking greg. i think what matters/upsets her is that tom has feelings for/is in love with greg, and that greg is important to him, because tom told her greg is expendable and now here he is for all to see, unkillable [as connor said about willa when speaking to her at a point in the scripts] to tom. when you get to 4.04 there is a particular scene near the beginning with tom greg and shiv which i think you'll notice yourself indicates her utter distaste towards them and their relationship, so watch out for that.
GOD yeah. yeah. yeah. there is a buttload of that so be prepared to get even more assblasted with ridiculously intimate touches. i love how affectionate greg has become because it just shows that something shifted between them in the s3-4 gap. they're best friends :( and yeah god tom's teasing of greg is so much more. in that way. he loves to rile greg up because it's so easy but atp i think it's more out of affection/for fun than before when it was using greg as an emotion stress ball. he would Absolutely keep doing it when they got together, and what's even better is greg would play with him too [you'll see More why when you get to the finale] and they'd just banter and mess with each other because that's their bestie lover behaviour <3
Tumblr media
8 notes · View notes
sukifoof · 1 year
Note
(this is my main lol my other acc is @princeyralsei) I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW U INTERPRET FLOWEY/AZZY like so many utdr fans dont get him at all and it's so hard to find ppl to talk ab him with i just love him sm!
idk if u associate him with this but I like to compare his trauma to dissociative disorders, since his journey with feeling numb really helped me come to terms with my experiences with something similar. Maybe deltarune azzy just has a dissociative disordee this time instead of being a flower XD. Ofc the situations are VERY DIFFERENT LOL but yeah.
I love his and papyrus' friendship too bc i relate to papy a lot and very much want to form a fan club for Flowey too 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Anyway those are my thoughts I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR MORE OF UR HEADCANONS AB HIM. AND UR ART IS AWESOME!!
THANK U!!! i feel like i also really struggle to find other people who interpret him the way i do so i am always so pleased when someone agrees with my many paragraphs of analysis on him <3 i think dissociative disorders make a LOT of sense for flowey!! i always like to see other people who have been able to come to terms with their Various Struggles thanks to flowey cuz. Me Too Man. i've had Extremely Similar Experiences to flowey when it comes to our type of trauma and the ptsd that comes with it and it's really touching to see a character like flowey handle what exactly that kind of loss and the aftermath feels like. like yeah man flowey u get it. which i think is probably why i analyze him so much i look at him and the spiderman meme pops up in my head we point at each other and go SAME TRAUMA??? hes a very special character to me i love him dearly
ALSO THANK U!! i love talking about flowey so much.... one of my hcs is that the only person hes Like That (extra edgy and dramatic) around is frisk cuz theyve already seen him when hes. Having A Moment. but i also like to think papyrus is the only person he really feels calm around cuz hes. u know. papyrus. while with frisk i imagine he doesnt really wanna reopen old issues so hes just their weird edgy older brother who sits at home all day. "just let frisk live their life" yeah thats frisks loser brother who WILL throw rocks directly at ur face if ur mean to them cuz only HES allowed to bully them. i also think he probably tries very hard to stay away from his parents cuz he doesn't know how to go about That issue... but i think one day he'll finally be able to open up and maybe calm down a bit. and yet he still tries to kinda... take care of things Behind The Scenes like making sure asgores plants dont die if he forgot to water them or making sure toriel is taking care of herself. i think about him a lot
ALSO!!! i have been thinking about an au where he comes back and hes pretty much flowey but hes still in Goat Form which i might post later so if u are interested.... 👀
8 notes · View notes
magnoliamyrrh · 2 years
Note
this is about the convo earlier with being molested by family members..i'm also balkan and i grew up with my grandparents but especially my grandpa inappropriately touching my chest and when i tried to tell my mom, older sis and aunt they all dismissed it as 'ehh he probably didn't mean to/his hand slipped'. i didn't wanna insist and look crazy because i do love my grandpa and he was the only parental figure i had in my life growing up, but at the same time...he did do that. idk if he thought it was normal or what but i think about it often. i can't bring it up with my family again because they'll just ignore it (especially now that he's dead). it's weird to think about how loving and nice he was when he was also doing shit like that from time to time. idk where i'm going with this but yeah. i don't think of myself as someone who was molested as a kid but this shit is definitely normalized. i've seen it in other families where they'd constantly touch and talk about their little boy's genitals... it's so fucked up
it really is fucked up, and its fucked up to realize that so many of us grew up w this.... for a long time i thought this was a me issue not a cultural one - and all the silence and shame around it certainly didnt help w that.... its been fucking weird to think abt the last couple of days since i asked on here abt it. like.. weve really made this SO normal and common huh?? that going against it is outright dismissed or even punished??? i cant help but just keep wondering where the fuck it all went so wrong and how we got here - and whats so wrong that things like this havent been accepted only in the balkans but elsewhere. what. what is wrong with this species. incest is one of the only universal taboos among humans, and most other mammals also have an aversion to it. and yet. we have normalized an abnormal amount of it nontheless over and over again .....? uuuff
im sorry you went through that, and im sorry they didn't take it seriously and listen more to you. thats something that always hurts in particular. discomfort/repulsion is a normal reaction to have and youd expect at least the other women in ur family to care or understand it too, and its rly fucked up when they just... dismiss it or minimize it or make you feel guilty for it or like its your issue or hell do it themselves.. i figure for a lot of them, if theyd accept that what youre saying is bad, itd mean theyd have to accept that things they went through themselves was bad, and they dont wanna do that. so they dont do either.. im sorry that u cant speak abt it and i totally get how him being dead would make it all much harder. in my family at least we v much have a "dont speak ill of the dead" sorta thing, or just excusing the actions of particularly men after they did sorta thing......i still haven't told my family just about anything. any time i ever tried to bring up anything as a kid id get dismissed and ignored at best or be punished or degraded and humiliated at worst so.... learned my lesson on that one but. thank u for sending this, i hate to hear how many of us went through this but also its. nice to know that were not alone in this and that other ppl do get it
and i feel you. its a really confusing mess to try to make sense of how to feel abt ppl like that... be angry? be grossed out, be scared? be numb, be okay with it, pretend it didnt happen? excuse it, explain it away? .... and its just weird in the cases when it wasnt rly something particularly violent, or ""not that bad/bad enough"" ig or towes that line of being able to convince urself that maybe welll it could have been an accident. its weird to know how to feel abt them when they were seemingly ok ppl you cared abt and still do and who were nice other times. .. but also... did shit like this which end of the day just isnt ok. idk... i dont think theres rly a end or solution or one way to feel, i think.... its just kinda bound to be a cocktail of conflicting emotions... im still trying to figure out how to find some sort of. idk, potential resolution or peace w any of it but i haven't rly figured it out yet, i just keep turning it in my mind too
3 notes · View notes
myinnerocean · 4 months
Text
Hi Jo,
Here we go. Some time has gone by and with that also some things have changed.
I managed to get used to this place in some way, which means I'm not totally stressed out all the time and everywhere. I got in touch with some people which means when I go outside for cigs I know everyone who's there too and it's kind of company. That's a good thing, it's not only strangers anymore.
I can't do all of the things I should do, like I don't go swimming or go to the gym here but that's okay.
I've got a different problem now and I'm struggling with that.
After 3 weeks being here my therapist talked to me about what she is perceiving and what her impression is of me. And it seems that I show the same problem here as at home with my therapist. It's that I can't open up fully. That doesn't mean I have to talk about all 100% of me and I know that. I actually knew very well what she told me what the problem is because I feel it too. I also feel it with my home therapist and they are both right lol. I will try to explain but it's pretty difficult.
I do can talk about all topics. Right before a session I always feel enough relaxed and motivated and willing at my heart do the therapy work thing lel. . Sometimes I already have a topic in my I head I wanna bring up.But as soon as I enter this talk situation I already have a strong sense of stress. It just happens and I don't know why. Suddenly all those good feelings are gone. I go in kinda protector mode. My body makes it seem like there's an attack coming. I'm sweating, hearts pumping and the whole conversation feels like a fight. And idk why the fuck. At first I thought I just need a lot of time to trust, but I've been there for a year and it didn't change. Like I can talk about everything but when it comes fo the thoughts and feelings behind the things I talk about, all the big questions of why and how my mind thinks about it, I just can't tell. The questions get in my head but they don't really. As more good and right a question goes as distanced my answers go. And I can't do a thing about it. Once I get home and think about the sessions and questions suddenly my mind clears up and only then I feel like the question really gets to me and In my head I get a much more right and honest answer. And I always just wish I could go back and say it then. So now my therapist noticed this pattern and everything she said was right. In totally it means that If I keep sticking by that pattern, i won't make progress. Which is the point I'm at therapy at home. Because I am not getting 100% into it. And ofc the big question is finding out what causes this stress. Why am I holding back? What is the specific fear? What is it, that I'm worried about, if I stop holding back. Those are the questions I got asked, which I ofc also got asked back then at home. Bc that's how the therapist work right, identifying the problem and then you can work on it, but I don't the fuck know. I tell them I trust them. I tell them that I know its okay to say all the things I want, to share all the things and I know that nothing will happen here. But I obviously don't because otherwise I would do it, right ?
Ugh idk i feel like for outer ppl if seems not like a big deal. Like the advice I hear is 'give yourself time/ there's nothing to be scared of / everybody feels weird talking with a stranger about everything inside ur head" but I feel like in my case it just goes much deeper and I need more than more time or just more trust.
So that convo made me the fuck sad and very angry about myself. I just keep thing 'I hate myself' a hundred times. Because after all this time and many happenings I took so many steps to finally get rid of all this dark shit. And now it's really myself who's is holding me back. Who say no to the help all These nice ppl Here are offering me. My therapist asked what we can change or do different so that I feel more at ease and all I can think about it is to say nothing. Because there's nothing wrong there. I like her, she's kind and there isn't a single thing she does that makes me uncomfortable.
So that's what's in my mind now. Thinking about how my mind works, where the switch is to make talking about my inside does not feel like a death sentence, as if the worst that could happen. Because otherwise this time here was wasted and nothing will ever change. Since that convo my depression raised loool so i just feel down and mainly hopeless.
Now it's weekend and as always I just hope time goes by fast because weekends are just empty days here. And I just hope the next sessions comes soon and I will give everything to not hold back. But idk man, idk idk idk.
0 notes
itsjaywalkers · 8 months
Note
omg laurie hi i just saw my tag i love it sm😭😭 (im insane commute nonnie btw)
also, bc i like explaining this, the reason for my two hour commute to class is that im Very Stupid. so what happened is that i did a little two month long internship start of last semester. the office was literally in a whole other town but i didn't have many classes so i decided to just get an apartment in that town and travel for my two-three classes per week. and that was ok. but then the internship came to an end and i found out (get ready for this) i accidentally signed a seven month lease!! idk what even happened but it's not hard to believe that my landlord told me this and i just had my head in the clouds. but anyway i was like ok cool i'll just pay the fine n move out but my best friend said that i should just do the commute this whole semester and get a job at some office again next semester (we're only allowed one internship per sem) and i was like 'ok😝 i'll do that😝😝 with no prior knowledge of my schedule for next semester🤪 im so goofy aha' and then i spent the next two month doing that (which was fun tbh. i didn't have many classes and i used the commute to not have thoughts) but then BAM this sem starts and i don't have the time for interships bc of my schedule!! however. i already lived here for like 4 months now. its like 3 more months. do i really want to just Give Up and let all the time i wasted be for nothing AND give my landlord money??? i dont Think so. which is why. out of sheer stubbornness i take two hour routes to classes 5 days a week
anyways sorry for all the yapping i just think its so funny!! (i live in delusion) but also nothing happens!! ive been thinking about that all the time. im telling you its occupied so many of my thoughts i'd sign another 7 month lease thinking about nothing happens jeggy they're my love<3 i've been talking abt them sm last week a friend gave me her jacket to sit on (was wearing white) and i said "you know who'd do this" n she said "please don't start again"
again sorry for the length of this but also have a great week!!! praying for nothing happens jeggy and the ppl they're torturing (sirius) by being themselves!!! <3
hi darling!! i'm so happy to be hearing from u <3 and i'm glad u like ur silly lil tag hehe u earned it!!
this story is . so very insane to me but at the same time i can't even judge u bc i'd also choose to endure 2 hour long commutes out of sheer stubborness BUT ALSO bc i'd refuse to pay a fine. i made a mistake with the lease and i'm dealing with the consequences but i'm not . wasting any more money . still i'm so sorry u gotta deal with this for 3 more months, just thinking about how much time u must lose on public transport every week is making me wanna cry. ur so very brave babe i swear. at least it's only temporary, and once this semester is over you'll be able to move out and hopefully get a place a lot closer to ur classes so u can chill a little. honestly this feels like something that'd happen to me so u have all my support and appreciation UR DOING GREAT DARLING!!!
don't apologise!! it was very fun to read indeed and i love getting these updates on ur life + ur crazy commutes. and i've been thinking about them A Lot too, both them and oby jeggy have been occupying all of my mental space and i swear they're all driving me insane. AND LISTEN james would. for reg he so would. sorry to ur friend bc she sounds very done but i'm on ur side always and that's definitely very nothing happens james coded!!! IT HAD TO BE SAID!!!
STOP APOLOGISING BABE U AND UR ASKS ARE SUPER LOVELY thank u very much and i'm also wishing u a great week!! u deserve it!! and i'm also praying for all of them bc . they're gonna need it lmao
1 note · View note
wooahaes · 2 years
Note
Glad to hear you are feeling better! My tutor said that not many people used pop up for their project so part of me took that as a challenge haha (also pop is so cool, there are so many intricate pieces out there!). My dissertation was "the power of music", but I'd deliberately made it vague because I didn't know what to focus on lol. I'm sort of looking at "does music make you smarter". The Mozart effect gets referenced at lot, but it only affects spacial reasoning not intelligence -🍧
There does seem to be a link between studying music and good grades, but it could also just be the students personality not the effect of music. An article i read suggested that when people ask "does music make you smarter" they imply "smarter at something else" which I thought was really interesting. It's definitely interesting to read up on. I think that music does make you smarter, but smarter at music lol. I'm always happy to share about my projects, it's nice when people are interested -🍧
My thoughts on uts. Firstly, it is such a comforting series. Idk how you do it, but every part leaves me feeling warm! I absolutely loved the whole book plot in wonwoo's part. Every part makes me so soft for the 95s, but you keep breaking my heart over cheol haha. I hope I don't sound impatient, but I'm v excited for his part. I can't wait for him to finally get his happy ending? I actually love uts (and all your other fics) so much. I hope you stay well! 🍧
hiii lovely, sorry for not getting to this sooner! i hope your project has been going well (and i hope you figured out pop up if you went with it! i love seeing the intricate pop up art <3). but ooo the power of music sounds like such a cool topic!! i get making it vague through, since i think its good when to stay vague when you're still narrowing down what you really wanna look into.
i can believe there's a link between studying music + good grades, but i do wonder if it's only a certain kind of studying music? like most people default to classical, but i legit listened to whatever i felt like when i did schoolwork/studied because not having lyrics made it harder for me to focus weirdly enough. the "smarter at something else" part is def interesting tho! plus it makes sense with the whole studying music being linked to studying something else. pls feel free to share whatever you like with me! i love hearing about other ppls pursuits, especially in academics <3
aaa tysm!! that means so much to hear, especially with some parts not being the most positive haha (kwan hao wonu) but i'm glad they still have that comforting/warm energy. im glad you enjoyed the book plot in wonwoo's part! i wanted to have some kind of connection to the teasers while stepping firmly away for wonwoo's to be more about him and the reader since reader getting the same ending as him would pretty much have meant they're destined. plus the shifting details is meant to stay in the same vein of 'weird shit happens' lol (also it was just fun to play around with writing something like a storybook).
hehe i'm glad abt the 95z tho! cheol might be the leader of the entire group, but i like making it clear that hannie and shua both also are an important factor in keeping everyone comfy/happy/cared for <3 also whoopsss (over cheol) <3 (its ok i break my own heart with cheol)
im glad ur excited though! trust me, i'm excited for it too. i have a lot planned for it and i honestly kinda think it might be longer than all the other parts once i'm fully done with it? but i'm absolutely satisfied with the plans i have, just gotta write the other parts to get to him <3
i hope you stay well as well! stay hydrated n rest well, mwah <3
1 note · View note
goldentsum · 4 years
Text
━ jealousy
REQUESTS: (seperately) bokuto, hinata, and akaashi x jealous s/o. say that she isn’t a very jealous person to begin with but there’s another girl who seemed to have taken a liking to the boys and she doesn’t like it. add some angst if you will :) hopefully ends with some fluff. 
🎕 asked by: nonnie 🎕
CHARACTERS: bokuto koutarou, hinata shouyou, and akaashi keiji
GENRE: angst, fluff
AUTHOR’S NOTE: i don’t know if i did it right but D: i’m rlly active rn cus im excited idk why-- also hinata has a lot of dialogue in this one
━ bokuto ♡
bokuto is a jealous baby owl and you know it,, know it too well... he gets pouty if your attention is elsewhere even for a minute!
you, on the other hand, is as cool as a cucumber. well, that what it looks like anyway. 
you get jealous quite a lot, to be honest, but your pride won’t live if you show it so you just try to shrug it off every time
but when kou gets a little too much attention it pisses you the fuck off 
you get snappy and your mood is down for the day but kou is always on his way to make it better~ 
the baby owl may be oblivious but when the topic is about you, he pays attention to your every movement and to what makes you tick
so when someone!! a person you hate because of their flirty attitude and rude remarks gets a little too close to your baby--
oh, it's about to go down!
you’re in the cafeteria sitting on one of the free tables, waiting for your hyperactive baby owl, when you see a certain someone clinging to Bokuto and pressing their chest against his arm
aND WHAT PISSES YOU OFF MORE IS THE OBLIVIOUS SMILE ON BOKUTO’S FACE
you turned around and looked at the juice box you bought for bokuto and grabbed it roughly, stabbing the straw to drink it yourself
you knew how popular bokuto was and how ‘plain’ you were but it still hurt when people never respecting bo’s personal space and your relationship as you two were publicly open with your relationship
akaashi, who was lagging behind bokuto, saw this and quickly rescued the dense captain making a certain someone whines about it but akaashi paid no mind and dragged bo away and towards your table
“hey, babe!” 
you looked at him and rolled your eyes, scoffing a little with the straw still on your mouth as you proceed to ignore him
bokuto’s eyes widen at that and sat closer to you, leaning closer and putting his head on your shoulder, nuzzling at you. 
this usually makes you break but nope, your pride said nope and you ate lunch with bo pouting and whining to you. akaashi who watched the whole scene sighed.
the next time you saw bokuto was at dismissal with him racing to your classroom the moment the bell rang. he went inside when your teacher dismissed you and waited on the side for you even though you were ignoring him. but what slightly shocked you was the serious face he has on. 
when everyone else was gone and you were about to go to, bokuto grabbed your hand and made you stay
“what’s wrong? please talk to me...” He whispered, hugging you close to his body. 
you pouted at that, the gesture cracking your cold demeanor quickly. you sighed and hugged back the sweet boy.
“i’m sorry for ignoring you, kou...” 
you felt his smile on your skin making you smile too
“It’s okay but please explain...” 
his innocent words and eyes made you shy. maybe you overreacted a little bit but your ego is too big sometimes
you averted your eyes and looked at your shoes, bokuto’s arms still around you. 
“cus... you let (h/n) touch you and you were smiling too!” 
you whined a bit, looking up at him. his surprised expression then turned into relief and he started laughing
“who knew you were the jealous type too, (Y/n)!” 
you pouted and hid your face on his chest, 
“shut up... i’m human too, ya know... and you’re not one to talk, you’re the one who always gets jealous..”
“That’s cus my girlfriend is too pretty and too many guys have their eyes on you!”
you scoffed playfully at that, not having the energy to remind bokuto that those guys were just asking for some notes or something to you, knowing well that it would brew into bokuto pulling up his ‘facts’ and arguments on you again that those guys were unto something...
“shut up, you owl”  
“your owl~” 
━ hinata ♡
this small bean is also one of the easily jealous type and he creates a safe and danger distance around you in his mind
there’s only a certain distance a guy can come close to you and if that line gets crossed, he goes pROTECTIVE MODE
tanaka and noya are proud of their pupil as they watch him circle around you like a rabid dog or crow?
he is always with you! ALWAYS! And he always buys you some cold drink or if you don’t bring lunch, he lets you share his bento with the courtesy of his mother as he asks her to make a bigger lunch for him when he knew that you don’t really bring your own lunch.
so when it was lunchtime and hinata was nowhere in sight, that worries you a LOT
you run to the courtyard where you two usually hangs out with kageyama but was surprised to only see Kageyama and his milk box
jogging up to the tall male and you asked him about shoyou and you heard an answer you were not expecting to hear
“some fancy pink letter asked him to go to the rooftop, it said that they wanted to say something to that tangerine” 
(y/n).exe has stopped working
kageyama looked at you with a quirked brow, still sipping on the milk box, he poked you with a curious look
“why did you let him go, you idiot!” you said, surprising kageyama who pouted and glared at you
“why the hell are you yelling? he’s just meeting someone!” 
“you dense blueberry!” you shouted and hit kageyama on the shoulder with a light scowl
kageyama was about to retort when a familiar childish growling caught his attention as you both looked at the side and saw a glaring hinata racing towards you two at a fast rate
“why you kageyama--! don’t get too close to my girlfriends!”
hinata slotted himself between you two and started bickering with the tol blueberry
you sighed at the scene in front of you and a light pink object caught your attention. there it was, a pink chocolate bar in hinata’s hand as he waved it around, trying to punch kageyama. 
you frowned at it and started walking away, leaving kageyama and hinata at the courtyard. hiding from hinata, you ate lunch in the bathroom stall as icky feelings start to grow.
after lunch, you quickly run to your classroom wanting to avoid seeing hinata at the moment 
but luck wasn’t at your side when Hinata dragged you off and got inside the janitor’s closet with you. 
“hinata, what are you doing! lunch is already finished, i’m gonna be late for class!” 
you tried to leave the small room but hinata closed the door when you tried to open it
“no! you left me with kageyama all lunch break!”
“i-i had a stomach ache and went to the nurse’s office--”
“i went there too, you weren’t in there” 
an awkward silence filled the small room while you looked at hinata with surprise
“i-it doesn’t matter--”
“It does matter! If you feel the need to lie to me then it’s a big matter!” hinata said, frowning at you 
you sighed and let hinata hold your hand
“please tell me what’s wrong” 
“i heard you got confessed to”
hinata blew a fuse at that and started waving his hands furiously, “h-how’d you know?! i didn’t accept it, i promise--!” 
“you didn’t?” 
hinata stopped for a moment and looked at you, eyebrows furrowing
“yeah, i got myself the best girlfriend... why would i wanna change that?” 
you went closer to Hinata, letting your body hit his and hugged him
“i-i’m sorry... it’s just that, i thought you would find someone better and leave me...” 
“I WOULD NEVER! You’re the best girlfriend in the whole wide world, (Y/n)!”
“You’re the best boyfriend too, little tangerine” 
━━ akaashi ♡
let’s be real here, you’re definitely the jealous one in the relationship. I mean having a boyfriend who’s too pretty to comprehend and easily attracts a lot of attention can make you like that. but you hide it pretty well, well most of the time anyway...
akaashi always ALWAYS pays attention to you and knows everything that can trigger you to become sad, angry, jealous, and happy
he always makes sure that you’re always fine and happy, that you’re comfortable and content
we stan the perfect boyfie 🥺
bUT he can be quite dense sometimes when it’s not about you or volleyball.. fUKURODANI PPL ARE DENSE 
girls would always flock his classroom before you can get there, snacks and treats in their hands to give it to akaashi and being the petty little gremlin that you are, you were pouty
akaashi sighed because it’s always either you were pouty or bokuto is and sometimes the worst-case scenario happened where both of you are pouty at the sAME TIME! 
akaashi= Mom Daddy
you reached our final form of pouty when you saw a certain someone a bitch dragged akaashi to talk to him or whatever and being the curious thing you are, you followed them and hid behind the vending machine, listening to their convo
“you know, your girlfriend is cheating on you, right?” 
wHY THAT BITCH! She just lied like it’s her common language wtf! 
you prayed that your baby boo won’t believe her cus YOU ARE NOT CHEATING ON HIM! why tf would you cheat on him when you hit the jackpot? tf
“and you must know that spreading rumors and lies about a person can take you off the first string in the track team right?” 
oOF--! YOUR BOYFIE REALLY POPPED OFF HUH
you snickered behind your hands, listening to the lying snake stutter a complain but akaashi cut her off 
“if this is all then I’m going now but if i hear any rumor circling around (y/n), i won’t hesitate to take action myself.” 
the snake scoffed at that and walked away, stomping 
there was silence for a moment but then keiji called out, surprising you
“i know you’re here, (y/n)” 
you stiffened at that and moved away from your hiding spot while coming up with excuses
“i-i wasn’t doing anything! she just dragged you off so i followed--!” 
akaashi smiled softly at you, walking closer and patted your head gently making you feel flustered.
“i know, let’s go? you must be hungry” 
“you won’t leave me for her, right, keiji?” 
akaashi shook his head at your question, a small smile on his face and looked at you, letting his hand fall and held your smaller hand in his
“it’s not like you’ll let me leave”
“HEY! you make it seem like i’m holding you as a hostage or something!”
“hmm”
2K notes · View notes
ratmonky · 4 years
Text
Out of Body Experience
Word Count: 4.9K
Warnings: semi-public
AO3 Link
Tumblr media
[You matched with Maru!]
[Send Maru a message!]
Maru: Hey.
(username): hiii!!
Maru: You look cute in your pictures on your profile.
(username): omg you think so?? i’m really happy!! i thought you had a rlly cool bio,,, i guess i did the right choice to like your bio
Maru: Thanks. I was surprised to get a notification that we matched. You’re way out of my league.
(username): don’t say that maruuu~ i bet you look handsome irl
Maru: I don’t.
(username): hmm, wanna prove it?? >.<
Maru: I don’t know.
(username): don’t be shy!! ur bio said you lived in kyoto, wanna meet up this saturday?
Maru: You’ll be disappointed.
(username): i promise i won’t!!! i like meeting new ppl!!! besides if we didn’t click we can still be friends?? i feel like you and i will be close no matter what!!
Maru: Are you sure? We just met.
(username): yep!!! come ooooonnnnn it’ll be fun to hang out!!
Maru: Fine.
(username): yay!!! let’s meet in front of the train station!! ahh i’m so excitedddd i can’t waittt TwT
Maru: Me too.
(username): <3
[Maru: <3………….. (send)]
Kokichi paused and deleted the message.
Maru: See you.
~~~
Kokichi’s first impression of you was that you were naive and careless. You wanted to meet up with him without any hesitation, what if he was someone who could harm you?
He stared at his screen and at your pictures.
You were gorgeous, he had never seen someone as pretty as you. On top of all that you wanted to meet him.
It made him feel special, wanted even.
~~~
When a notification sound filled his ears, Kokichi immediately checked if it was from you.
(username): maruuuuu!!!! i missed u  ))):
He stared at the message and read it three times but didn’t quite understand why you would miss him.
Maru: What?
(username): i thought you’d text me but u didn’t,,, i couldn’t sleep cuz i was thinking about u
Maru: I didn’t think you wanted me to text you.
(username): )):
Maru: ?
(username): )))):
Maru: (:
(username): (((((:
Maru: You’re childish aren’t you?
(username): what about it q;
Maru: Nothing. How old are you anyway?
(username): old enough to drinkkkk!!!
Maru: Me too. Which Jujutsu college are you going to?
(username): ohh, hehe… i dropped out cuz it wasn’t my thing
Maru: That’s irresponsible. Did you drop because you couldn’t keep up with your curse classes or was it for some other reason?
(username): maruuuu stop talking about jujutsu with meee!!!
Maru: Then what should we talk about?
(username): about our date >.<
Maru: Date?
(username): did u forget already )):
Maru: Forget what?
(username): our date on saturday )):
Maru: That’s a date?
(username): TwT ur making me sad maru
Maru: I don’t understand it, we just said we’d meet up.
(username): this is a dating website for ppl like us ///:
Maru: You want to date me?
(username): idk anymore,,, seems like ur a heartbreaker and i feel like u don’t feel a connection between us as i do
Maru: Wait! Don’t jump to conclusions all by yourself! You don’t even know what I look like, how can you be so sure that you want to date me?
(username): i mean,,, we matched for a reason,,, i liked ur bio and wanted to get to know u better is that bad??
Maru: No. No, it isn’t. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I'm new to this sort of stuff.
(username): apology accepted!!!! ahhhh ur so cute,,, i can’t wait to meet u
Maru: Same here.
~~~
His classmates knew something was up. Robotic demeanor was gone and instead, it was actually a part of himself as Kokichi that was showing through.
“Mechamaru looks happy nowadays,” Kamo noted.
“It’s relieving that he shows us a softer side of himself,” Miwa added. “Makes me feel happy for him.”
“I wonder what caused him to become this way.” Kamo was talking to himself but Todo took it upon himself to answer.
“He has finally found himself a Takada-chan.” Todo grinned. “Reminds me, I never asked him what his type of woman is.”
There was a moment of silence before Todo walked out into the campus garden to make his way towards Mechamaru.
Mechamaru didn’t notice his presence as he was watering the flowers.
“Yo.”
“Todo. Did you need something?”
“What’s your type of woman?”
Caught off guard, Mechamaru dropped the watering can. “I… I think someone who’s kind and cheerful.” Someone who’s submissive.
“Like I guessed.” Todo held his chin between the knuckle of his forefinger and thumb as he hummed thoughtfully. “You’re as lifeless as your puppet.”
~~~
What did that suppose to mean?
Kokichi was just telling the truth.
Right?
~~~
Days passed until Friday came.
Kokichi talked to you almost every day and whenever he could. He seemed to enjoy your company more than he thought he would when the two of you first matched.
He woke up to your messages and went to sleep only after he texted you goodnight.
Today, he felt like his heart was going to jump out of his ribcage, he could hear his own pulse when it got too quiet and it was dead silent in his hideout… as always.
All he could think about was your date tomorrow. He had made sure to dress up Mechamaru nicely for the occasion and checked the weather report thrice so the date wouldn’t be ruined because of anything out of his control.
There was still something that made him extremely anxious. What if you didn’t like him? What if everything went terribly and you blocked his number?
He needed something to distract him from these negative thoughts.
Maru: Hey.
(username): maruuuu!!!! what r u doin??
Maru: Going to sleep soon, I think.
(username): without me (;
Maru: Never.
(username): i’m blushing
Maru: How are you?
(username): fine, i'm doing skincare tonight to get ready for our date!!
Maru: About that...
(username): ....
(username): are you going to cancel our date?
Maru: No! I’m just anxious about it.
(username): good cuz i’d block u
Maru: I don’t think you would.
(username): you don’t know me
Maru: Because you never told me about yourself.
(username): ^-^; haha yeah,,, so,,, what would you like to know?
Maru: Everything.
Without even noticing the passing time, Kokichi chatted with you until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.
He learned everything about you. From the earliest memory, you could recall about your first interaction with a cursed spirit to your latest obsession with an online game about cute animals.
His eyelids were getting heavier, he texted you goodnight and how he was excited to meet you tomorrow.
When he closed his eyes, this time he managed to fall asleep.
~~~
You pressed your phone to your chest and kicked at your sheets. The excitement was eating you up, the butterflies in your stomach wouldn’t calm down either. All because of someone you met online a couple of days ago.
It wasn’t something new to you to meet up with people you met online but this felt a lot different.
Previous times, you had used different dating apps or social media websites to make friends but this was the first time you had used a dating website specifically for people who knew the existence of curses.
Jujutsu sorcerers often found it hard to find someone they could click with because of their field of work but this website had risen up to popularity from day one. Your old classmates from your jujutsu college wouldn’t shut up about it so you gave it a go after their insisting.
Maru was one of the first people you matched with on the website. In his profile, he had written about how he wanted to find someone he could be himself with and date them.
That’s why tomorrow, you had to be on your best behavior so he could be himself around you.
~~~
You were twenty minutes early.
It wasn’t your intention to arrive this early but whether it be the excitement to meet up with Maru or not wanting to make him wait if your train was late-
Wait, those were all connected.
Letting out a sigh, you checked your phone. Yep, still twenty minutes. Once you put it back in your purse, your eyes scouted around the station. There weren’t any empty spaces for you to sit so you were standing by a meeting point next to the maps, hoping Maru would see you.
Although you didn’t know what he looked like, you had put effort into how you looked today so you could impress him. Deep inside, you hoped he would take notice of your appearance and compliment you but some men were just too dense.
From the way he had started texting you, he gave you the impression that he was one of those stoic and dense men but as you started to get to know him better, he turned out to be quite a friendly person. Very talkative and caring.
You pressed a hand on your cheek, you were burning up. Geez, were you really blushing this much because of him?
When you told your friends about this date, they had told you not to have too many expectations about Maru. They believed you were being catfished but it wasn’t possible, you didn’t want to meet him because of his appearance after all.
“Um, excuse me-”
Startled, you lifted your head to stare at a… robot?
You stepped away from its way, thinking that you were standing in front of its charging station or something. How long had it been since you had gone out? Had robots already taken over? Or was this one of those public pranks?
The robot was staring at you even after you moved away.
“(username)?”
You lifted your gaze and looked at the robot with wide eyes. “M-M-Maru?”
It nodded, “Mechamaru.”
No, it wasn’t a robot. You could sense cursed energy oozing from it. More like a cursed doll. Nevertheless, you were speechless.
There was a long pause before you spoke. “Ah, I...” You looked around as if you were searching for an exit and anxiously clutching on your purse.
Great, you were going to make up an excuse and go away. Just like he thought you would.
“I thought I was going to meet you, not a puppet.”
“I’m here,” he said, static sizzling noise coming from him was like nails on a chalkboard. “I just can’t be physically here because of my condition.”
“You could’ve told me about it first… ahh, sorry.” You sounded more annoyed than you would have liked but quickly covered it up by bowing your head to greet him. “Nevermind, I’m (name).”
“Are we going to use real names?”
“Well, I’m not gonna call you Megaman.” There was a smile.
“Mechamaru,” he corrected. After a short silence, he added, “Kokichi.”
“Nice to meet you Kokichi, I hope we can get along well.” You bowed yet again.
“Why are you being so formal?”
“It’s cuz…” You pointed at him.
“What?”
“Well…” You used both hands to gesture his whole body.
“If you say it’s because I’m a robot or anything similar to that, I’ll go home.” He sounded serious, or maybe it was because of the static.
You pouted and leaned forward on your tiptoes, “If I can’t even joke around then I’ll go home.”
“I thought you were looking forward to our date.” When you blushed at his words he spoke again. “You look cuter than your pictures.”
“Ahh, you really think so?” You started walking and he followed after you.
“I do.” He was keeping a large space between the two of you, whenever you tried to walk closer to him, he would move away but now when you were caught in the station with the crowd who were going home after work hours, you had to stay close to him.
You were being pushed against Kokichi thanks to the crowd trying to walk out of the station and he didn’t complain about it. Kokichi didn’t look at you, he thought about the things he read on the internet instead.
‘If you want your date to consider you as manly, you have to invest yourself to talk to her.’
“Your dress looks cute.” Kokichi came up with ‘the compliment her outfit’ route, he had seen men flirt before, he could do it too.
He stared down for a moment to see your reaction.
Bingo!
You smiled brighter than the sun, you played with your hair to give him a playful answer. “Thank you, I wore this just for our date.” Your eyes shined with small sparkles in them. “I really like your collar.” You pointed at his face, not too close, hesitant to invade his personal space. I’m here with his puppet not him, you reminded yourself.
“Thanks.”
When the two of you finally exited the station, you walked alongside him.
“Where to?” He nonchalantly asked while you were looking around the streets.
“What about karaoke?” You gave him an inviting smile, “It’d be fun.”
“Whatever you say.” He wasn’t sure which way you were taking. There was the main street and Kyoto's red-light district, of course, he knew you wouldn’t be going there. “Which street are we going for?”
You pointed to your right, “The main street, there is a karaoke place I know.” Your smile altered when you noticed how this time when you walked together to cross the street, it was close, your shoulder touched his fake biceps.
“I’m not good at singing for obvious reasons.” Back in his bathtub, Kokichi said it in a joking manner but thanks to the cursed puppet, it sounded a lot as if he was annoyed about the idea of going into karaoke. He bit his tongue and cringed, waiting for your reaction.
“You can still try, can’t you?” You gave him the best puppy eyes you could. “For me?”
Kokichi blushed but you weren’t able to see it through Mechamaru. “Y-yeah.”
“Oh, I didn’t know robots could stutter.”
“I didn’t stutter and I’m not a robot. This is a cursed puppet and sometimes the commands I give are interrupted, that’s why I-”
“You’re so easy to tease just as I guessed!”
Kokichi covered his mouth with his hand, watching you giggle at him through his screen.
“Here it is.” Pointing at a sign, you grabbed his arm and dragged him with you.
While you were showing him the prices, he was busy staring down at your shirt. He could… he could see your cleavage.
“The menu says they serve alcohol at this hour! Ahh, the prices are cheaper than the last time too! We can share the tab-” You stopped yourself from talking. Silence brought him out of his trance. “Oops, sorry. You can’t eat or drink through Megaman, right?”
“Mechamaru,” he corrected. “No, I can’t… But it’s on me anyway.”
“You’ll pay?” Your eyes sparkled brighter than the stars. Your pouting lips and hand on his chest didn’t help.
Kokichi looked away, blushing. “Y-yeah.”
“Y-you’re the best!” Mocking his stuttering, you offered him a cute smile. Then you went on to drag him inside while telling him about how this place was the best karaoke place in Kyoto because they served desserts and your favorite cocktail. All the while renting a room for the two of you.
“Would you like to share with others?” The employee asked.
“No.” Your answer was instantaneous.
Behind the register, the employee stared at Kokichi and down at you. It was easy to tell he thought the two of you were a mismatch. “Your room is to the left, you can order through the smart tablet. Have fun.”
“Thanks,” you said before walking past the register. When Kokichi caught up with you, you turned around. “Did you see the way he stared? So lame!”
“Well, anyone would have stared if they saw a pretty girl next to a robot.”
“So, you’re accepting you’re a robot?” You grinned, opening the door to the private room.
“That’s not what I meant!” He didn’t know what he was expecting. From the way you texted, he should have known you were this childish and unable to have a serious conversation.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing.” He closed the door behind him as you were ordering as many drinks as you could. Once he noticed you were about to order the entire menu, he barely managed to stop you by taking the smart tablet away from your hands. “Hey, I’m not rich!”
“It’s cheap, trust me!” You pouted your lips again, reaching for the smart tablet he was holding above your head.
His stare found the menu and froze. It was cheaper than he had thought like you said. He had never been somewhere like this, nobody could blame him for it.
“Sorry, I didn’t notice,” he said as he handed the device back to you.
“I was showing you the menu earlier, you weren’t listening, were you?” Your smile widened, eyes squinting knowingly.
“I was listening! You’re talking way too much, I can’t keep up!”
You crossed your legs, continuing to add stuff to your order.
It got quiet.
Realizing what he had said was rude, he apologized.
“It doesn’t sound genuine.”
“It’s because I’m talking through a puppet.”
“Exactly.”
You weren’t looking at him. Putting the tablet aside, you leaned back on the soft cushions. The mood had changed. When you weren’t talking, it was too quiet.
Decidedly, he walked over to the karaoke machine and grabbed two microphones. He sat next to you, placing one of the microphones next to you as he reached for the tablet.
There were way too many songs in the system and he knew none of them.
Scrolling further, he found Takada-chan’s songs.
“You like Takada-chan?” you asked, noticing how he had stopped scrolling.
“No,” he replied. “My friend-” Was he really his friend? “My friend likes her, he won’t stop talking about her and all.”
“I like her,” you said. “I’ve been to her meet and greets many times but they’re always ruined by some buff dude who has the most tickets. He’s always at the events, kinda creepy but seems like he supports her. He once beat up some guy who insulted her.”
Kokichi didn’t say anything. He didn’t want that guy to be the icebreaker on his date.
“Creepy,” he uttered before putting the tablet on your lap. “You should sing, I don’t know any of these songs.”
“None of them?” You raised a brow.
“None.”
“You’re so boring,” you murmured, clicking on the first song you saw.
The loud music filled the room and his hideout. You tapped on the microphone, “Check, one, two. Kokichi is sooooo boring!”
Your laughter was the next thing that filled his hideout. He chuckled but it came out as a static noise through Mechamaru.
While you were singing, the same employee came with two trays full of drinks and snacks, he left them on the table before leaving immediately. None of you paid any mind as you were changing the lyrics to tease Kokichi.
“Are those really the lyrics?” he asked.
“Yep!”
Another giggle.
Too cute.
Very cute.
He watched you stop singing for a brief moment to chug down your third drink. Your cheeks were flushed red from the booze and your neck was sweaty, you kept fanning your hand towards your face.
His gaze focused on a particular sweat droplet on your neck and idly watched as it drizzled down to your cleavage before disappearing under the fabric of your dress.
Kokichi tried focusing on something else but he found himself unable to tear his eyes away from you. Every single thing you did was seductive. When you bit onto a small rice cake or the way your lips closed around the straw of your drink and how your cheeks hollowed when you tried sucking the last bits of your cocktail in your mouth.
The last drop had to be when you grabbed an ice cube from your drink and held it over the skin of your chest.
His hand pressed on his lower half. He was thankful he wasn’t physically there or he would have been labeled as a pervert. Under the soothing medical liquid, he had a problem you didn’t need to see.
You weren’t singing anymore but the music was playing nonetheless to suppress the silence as Kokichi was practically undressing you with his eyes.
“Heyyy, Kokichi~” you slurred, sitting closer to him. “You’re being too quiet!”
Taken aback, he spoke. “I’m not sure what to say?”
“Just talk…” you whined, putting a hand on his knee.
Oh, how he wished he could feel the warmth of your hand.
“Or better… Sing!” You held a microphone up to his face.
“I can’t sing,” he reminded.
“You said, you’d sing for meee~”
He blushed, taking the microphone from your hand. “I don’t know the lyrics.”
“It’s on the screen.”
Yes, the lyrics were on the screen.
He felt embarrassed, this was stupid. He wasn’t even actually in the room with you but he felt so nervous. His actual hands were shaking as he gulped.
When he started singing, you started laughing.
The static made it sound like he was an actual robot. Yet, Kokichi didn’t stop despite how tone-deaf his voice was coming through Mechamaru. He wanted to make sure you were having fun but the music stopped.
Both of you stared at the notification on the tablet, asking if you wanted to add another hour to your stay.
Had it already been an hour? Time was going fast when you two were having fun.
You looked at Kokichi.
He pressed to accept.
The music continued playing.
This time, Kokichi didn’t sing. The two of you started chatting about everything and anything until there was a lull in the conversation.
“Lemme see your hand,” you said, reaching your own towards him. He slowly placed his hand on your open one and you compared the size. “Wow, your hand is hugee, is your real hand this big?”
Funny, if not absurd. You were on a date with a puppet but you were getting turned on.
“It's the same size as my own hand.” His gaze dropped to his actual body. “At least one of them.”
“Can you feel that?” You intertwined your fingers with his.
“No.” He wasn’t looking and he didn’t need to look. The depressing realization that he was always going to watch people behind a screen and in this damn bathtub was starting to sink in once again.
“Can you feel this?” You were giggling.
“I told you, I can’t feel-” His breathing stopped at the sight of you pressing his hand on your breast.
“I wanna meet you, Kokichi~” Smiling enticingly, you sat closer to him. “It’s no fun when I can’t see if you’re blushing right now.” Your hand over his hand moved on your breast, the supple flesh jiggled under the front of your dress. “Are you blushing right now?”
“I am.” His answer was instant.
“You know,” you started, putting your free hand on his thigh and lifting your leg up on the cushion to face him. “I got all dressed up ‘cause I wanted you to lose your composure. You sounded so uptight and stoic. I wanted to see you lose it.” Tilting your head, you puckered your lips. “But you didn’t even come to our date.”
“I did.”
“Megaman did.”
“Mechamaru.”
“I wanted Kokichi to come.” You pulled his hand away from your breast and led it down to your stomach and even lower. “I wish you were here so you could feel how wet I am.”
“(name),” he said. “I can’t feel my fingers through Mechamaru.”
“Mm?” You placed his hand under the skirt of your dress. “But I can feel them.”
Kokichi’s actual hand started shaking in excitement as Mechamaru’s fingers brushed against your panties.
“Can’t I meet you?” Your voice was faint compared to the music but he heard it. “I wanna meet you.”
“You’ll be disappointed, I don’t look… normal.”
“You don’t look normal right now either.” Biting your lip, you moved against his hand. A soft gasp left your lips. “Yet, I’m so turned on right now.”
There were a thousand different thoughts invading his mind but Kokichi felt like he was hypnotized by your hips.
“Kokichiii, move your fingers,” you whined softly, your eyes hazy with lust.
“I need to see them,” he said. Back in his room, his own hand was pressing down on his growing erection. “Or I may move them wrong.”
“Pervert~” you teased, lifting the skirt of your dress up.
He didn’t say anything, instead focused his attention on your soaked panties. How long had you been this wet? From the moment you two rented the room or-
“Kokichi.” Your needy voice brought him out of his dirty thoughts. “You don’t have a cock under your pants, do you?” Your hand pressed against Mechamaru’s groin.
For the first time in his life, Kokichi felt his entire body jolt. Your vulgar way of asking was enough to get him rock hard. “No-”
“What a waste.” Sulking, you retrieved your hand. “But are you hard right now?”
“I… I am.”
A dangerous glint sparkled through your eyes. “If only you were here… I’d make you feel sooo good.”
Mechamaru’s fingers pressed against your clothed folds before moving along them. A soft moan left your lips and you balanced yourself on your hands.
“I look like a freak-”
“You keep saying that.” Your hips moved against his hand. “As if that matters to me.”
Mechamaru slid your panties to the side and spread your folds with two of his fingers, he carefully watched as wet strands connecting them together broke apart. Kokichi’s own hand was pumping his cock.
“What are you doing right now, Kokichi?”
“I’m putting a finger inside.” He inserted one of his fingers inside you.
“No, what are you really doing?” You bit your lip.
“I’m… I’m jerking off.”
Satisfied with his answer, you crossed a leg over his to settle on his lap with your back against his chest. Spreading your legs wider, you allowed him a better view of your wet pussy. Mechamaru’s digits slid inside as Kokichi moved his hand along the length of his cock.
Mechamaru’s other hand went to cup your breast over your shirt, making a moan escape your lips.
His fingers were reaching deeper than your own fingers ever could. The digits moved in a scissoring motion and curled against your gummy walls, pressing against the spot that made your vision blurry.
“Kokichi,” gasping, you squirmed on his lap, your back arched when his thumb grazed over your clit. “I wanna kiss you so bad.”
Kokichi’s hand tightened around the tip of his cock, he pulled the sensitive skin down to expose the pink tip and massaged it using his thumb. When his hand started moving along his cock again, the device helping him talk through Mechamaru picked up the clicking sound rather than the medical fluid splashing.
You moaned at the realization of what you were hearing.
The feeling of the metallic firm fingers stroking your clit made your hips buck against his hand. Your eyes roll to the back of your head, panting, you pressed your thighs together.
Mechamaru’s hand on your chest moved down on your thigh to hold you in place as his fingers inside your pussy started to vibrate. The sudden pleasure made you scream but the loud music concealed it.
Kokichi couldn’t breathe normally, his pulse had gone haywire as his hand was moving hastily around his cock while Mechamaru’s digits were messing you up.
“S-s-s-stop!” Your voice broke into a moan.
“Do you really want me to stop?” He barely managed to ask, his hand wouldn’t stop.
You shook your head rapidly, biting your lip.
Your walls clenched around the digits, sucking them in deeper. Kokichi’s own hand was moving faster than his heartbeat. His tongue lolled out of his mouth and his shoulders tensed.
He was close.
From the way you were shaking, he could say the same thing for you.
So, when Mechamaru pushed his digits further inside, the vibration got stronger and stronger until your legs shook. The pleasure that was building in your gut suddenly got released, shaking you to your core.
Kokichi followed suit, his cock spurted thick clumps of cum and they landed on his stomach, his bandages absorbed his seed.
By the time he caught his breath, he realized you were still on his lap.
Mechamaru had gone limp as he had gotten distracted because of his orgasm. He revived the cursed doll while you were trying to fix your dress.
You wanted to say something but you couldn’t find something to say.
To your rescue, the music stopped.
The tablet had the same notification from before. Informing you that the second hour had ended and if you wanted to rent the room for one more hour.
Kokichi leaned forward and pressed on the tablet to end the session.
“We’re leaving already?” you pouted your lips.
“You said you wanted to meet me.”
Kokichi watched as the brightest smile he had ever seen formed on your face.
After he paid the tab the two of you exited the building as he held you up with one hand because your legs weren’t functioning properly.
“The employee behind the register noticed your wobbly legs,” Kokichi said.
“You think so?” you whispered, cheeks and ears colored in bright red.
“He was looking, so, yes.”
“You kinda went overboard by using Megaman’s vibrator hands.” Your giggle filled his ears and he smiled to himself.
“It’s Mechamaru.”
279 notes · View notes
astralaffairs · 4 years
Text
w/ midnight approaching i j wanna let yall know that this blog was genuinely the best part of my 2020. it's been a hellish year, but getting to meet & know writers like @deja-you (girl ur writing has a SPECIAL place in my heart istg. i know we don't talk much but ur presence on this site and on ur blog makes my life a lil brighter. even if the feeling isn't mutual i think of u as a good friend 💞❣) @daveeddiggsit (an actual ray of sunshine 🥺) @iknowthekoolaidflavor @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @tinywhim & @biafbunny all of whose works ive been reading for as long as (or longer than) ive been writing for this fandom has been so incredible and heart warming <3 ur all such damn sweethearts and ilu
& then there have been the new mutuals that have popped up and brightened my life like @commandersmiley @braidedchallah @ramp-it-up & @moondustmemories @summerofsnowflakes @raiseaglasstothefourofus (i know we don't chat much but ilu all sm 🥺)
& @id-do-it-for-free-babe @peoniarose @ohsoverykeri-blog (idk where the hyphens go in ur url ill fix it later) & @cloudynblw
then there's @einfachniemand who literally hypes me more than ANYONE else and is probably the most supportive person on this entire goddamn site ❣💕 i would give u the world if i could but alas i do not have that kind of power
and @youunravelme whose asks and notifs MAKE MY ENTIRE LIFE. u don't even know and i can't explain bruh i get like 80% of my serotonin from getting notifs from u and hearing ur thoughts in my inbox. it's the absolute best. u have made my 2020 like 80% better. i can't emphasize this enough you make me so happy.
and maybe (just maybe) im abt to mention @tinywhim again who is absolutely the kindest most gracious person alive i swear 🥺 also she wrote my absolute outright favorite thom fic that i have ever read (and yes, i have read quite a number of them since 2016) and im now enamored w demon!thom
and ofc @the-lost-marauder 🥰🥰 as much as i adore every single one of my followers and mutuals, ur by far one of my favorite ppl to hear from on this site. your thanksgiving ball oneshot is still one of my favorite things to read on here and u have absolutely excellent energy. i feel like we'd probably vibe irl (also pls more secret relationship vp!thom content!!! pl ease !!!!!! i need it asap)
and yes im abt to mention @deja-you again bc she's such a fucking sweetheart. the literal embodiment of sunshine and cotton candy. idk what else there is to say here u just have the purest vibes i feel like ur the type of person to save a cat from a tree or have a bird land on ur shoulder. u just have that energy 🥺💫 then again you outright broke my heart w foreign affairs so idk i might have to retract all that 😤
& special s/o to @fentinatalin for having shitty taste in men. that's all.
jk jk ily natalie 🤧❣ have i ever told u that when u hmu on ig i almost didn't dm u back bc it gave me anxiety and i thought you'd think i was uncool on main??? anyway im glad i did hit u back bc ur a ridiculously excellent friend and i frequently forget ive only known u for a couple months???? i realized recently that ive picked up some of ur texting habits and idk how to feel abt it . anyway ily thanks for existing
also mega shoutout to @maniacmichele bc ik i haven't answered ur graph theory ask but that's bc ive been watching math yt videos to try and dissect it until i can figure out wtf it all means. ur smart as shit and i am in awe of ur math brain ty for taking the time to explain that graph theory thing bc i have spent literal hours nerding out over it
also to @marioverthere bc i know we don't talk much anymore (FUCK time zones) but meeting you and getting the chance to know u literally made me so happy (also ur the reason i started staying current w/ the hk protests so ty ao much for making me aware of that darling)
and to @softclowninghours for having THE PUREST energy. u probably give excellent hugs i can just feel it. i just know it.
and then all my anons w ur lil emojis and signatures, who i love and cherish -- i won't try to list all of u bc i WILL forget some and im not tryna do u like that but some honorable mentions:
🐥 anon, for being like half the reason i ever touch my draft of lobsterback (ur my motivation, inspiration, muse, etc. thanks honey)
🍬 anon, for being absolutely fucking adorable and an enormous sweetheart
🐺 anon, for being friendly as hell and also kinda fucking hilarious. ur asks always make me smile
💙🖤 anon, for being so so so damn kind and supportive all the fucking time (ily)
there are so many people and blogs and anons that have made an impression on me this year, so believe me when i say this is very, very, VERY incomplete; if we've ever talked, or you've sent me an ask, or you've ever interacted with my post, you deserve a spot up here so pls forgive me for having 3 neurons and not remembering to mention u as i hastily write this post
literally though i love and appreciate every single one of you so much. this sounds like a huge platitude but i don't know how else to say it because there are genuine thousands of u who id list if i had more time or energy. you're all excellent. thank you so much for being alive at the same time as me.
also s/o to disney and lin for releasing the obc tape bc fr thats the only reason this fandom came back to life
+ also HUGE shoutout to the person who venmoed me ten bucks for the fotp smut. i don't have ur tumblr @ since u sent everything on anon but yk who you are; your generosity means the world to me and i hope the smut lived up to ur hopes and expectations
++ also the anon who encouraged me to actually write my art museum au 😌❣ ik it isn't up yet but ive been loving it so much and i hope u like it when it drops
51 notes · View notes
antarestyl · 3 years
Text
Got not tagged but saw this meme and wanted to do it :D
I tag @namekian-maoh and whoever else wanna try!
How many works do you have on AO3?
56 so far.
What’s your total AO3 word count?
600021 at this moment... damnit, I like nice and round numbers more XD
How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
29 XD well, some are crossover and some are almost-the-same (especially with Video games where I often take multiple entires in a series into account and tag them accordingly)
As for my fandoms:
Video games: Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Among Us, Bowser's Fury, Deltarune, Don't Starve, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, Final Fantasy XV, Luigi's Mansion, Mario & Luigi RPG, Monkey Island, Pikmin, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Mario Bros, Super Mario Odyssey, Super Paper Mario, Undertale, (+ AU of Undertale)
Comic/Cartoon/Manga/Anime: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh! (All Media Types), Homestuck, Gravity Falls, DCU (Comics), Booster Gold (Comics),  Blue Beetle (Comics)
Books/Movies/Divers: Harry Potter, Mystery Skulls Animated, Olsen-banden | The Olsen Gang (Movies), Ties of Lapis (Skyrim-AU),
What are your top 5 fics by kudos?
1. PTA Sans and other glorious things       
73016 words, 3192 Kudos, so far my most successful work XD It’s still ongoing. Undertale Fanfic, Monster-on-the-Surface, True Pacifist Ending, PTA AU, SansxToriel in the Background, everybody is here, mostly happy, silly and only a small dose of angst from time to time. Later chapters with more story.
2. TrioBlasterSets AU - Six puppys and 3 flames                 
270813 word, 758 Kudos. I write this AU together with @namekian-maoh . Still ongoing. Undertale Baby-Blaster AU with some Underfell and Underswap thrown into it. Dadby, Badster, mostly family fluff and dealing with the experiment!gaster-blaster Background of 3 skeleton children. Also 3 flames who take care of them that have way more drama going on themselves than nessessary. Chapters are not in chronological order. Has a few Spin-offs too (including some NSFW oneshorts about the flames and their relationship ;) )
3. So I won't regret another day 
19214 words, 320 Kudos. Undertale Underfell AU, Underfell Sansby with some healthy relationships, the planning of a revolt against an insane king, monster still being monster and not really made for violence in an violent setting. If officially finished but I write new chapters when the fancy strikes me.
4. Grillby's                 
9894 words, 265 Kudos. Deltarune/Undertale fanfic with a Spin, named Plushyrune (aka Deltarune where eveything is the same, just with Sansby and Sans makes plushies). Started as just pure silly fluff, kinda got a plot now about the kids of Deltarune. Still ongoing, new chapter is 80% done ;)
5. Something old, something new... 
6579 words, 208 Kudos. Pure Post-Pacifist Surface Sansby fluff. Mostly from Grillby’s POV how they fall in love and be silly and in love. Still ongoing, haven’t really had to mojo to write more for it lately, but I WILL return at some point.
Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
I try to! I used to not comment on comments because I had this irrational feeling of “cheating the numbers” if I reply to comments but... screw that, I want to interact with people! So I try to answer any and all comments now :)
What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?
Ufff, for me it’s a tie between The last chip  and Laughter in the Darkness. The Last Chip is a Yu-gi-Oh! Fanfic in a series of Kaiba spiraling downwards after the Manga/Anime ended and sets up the events of Dark Site of Dimensions. It ends pretty much with Kaiba ending up getting borderline suicidal in his Obsession with the Pharaoh.
Laughter in the Darkness is the Epilog I wrote for my Gravity Falls x Amnesia Crossover where Ford is pretty much an Amnesia-Protagonist and archives the very worst ending for himself. Mind the tags if you read this. It ends with Ford at the lowest possible point for himself and its open ended if he is going fully insane or if Bill Chiper really is still around. (and it’s not clear what outcome is the better one)
Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Nah, not really. I am a chill writer in my own little corners of the fandom and most people leave me alone. I did get one “But Queer is a SLUR” comment way back in the day where it was still all “????” to say that out loud. But otherwise? Nah. I am not important enough for hate, lol.
Do you write smut? If so what kind?
I have XD Not much thou. I wrote so far an mastubation scene with the one going down on himself heavily NOT BEING ALRIGHT while doing so XD Other than that I have 2 NSFW Undertale fics with some hot flame-on-flame action. I do like writing not-standard-sex (as in Sex that doesn’t requite human genitila) Otherwise I like to hint or describe feelings more than the act itself. More lime than lemon ;)
Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I know of. As I said, I am not important enough for that.
Have you ever had a fic translated?
I had some ppl asking for permission to translate (which of course) but as far as I know there are no translations out there as of yet.
Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Yeah, I am writing the TrioBlasterSet AU with @namekian-maoh I did Co-write some fics way back during my fanfiction.de time too but that’s a long time ago.
What’s your all time favorite ship?
I ship a lot and am a dirty multishipper XD I have to many ships to really call one out as my favorite.
What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?
TrioBlasterSets AU because there is always MORE to tell with this AU XD
What are your writing strengths?
I am the Queen of Worldbuilding and Crossovers baby!
What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
Only do it if you have a REALLY good reason for it AND if you have a good gasp on the language. Like, nothing takes me out of a fic faster than reading stuff in horrible German written by people who were to lazy to just copy/paste the word from google translate (my time in the Apollo Justice fandom has seriously scared me. It’s Fräulein, not Fraulein or Fraülein! Also you can’t just swap ei and ie around THOSE ARE DIFFERENT SOUNDS! als we have the letter ß it’s a shap s sound you can’t just use/not use it as you please!)
Also in 90% of all cases it’s just not nessessary. Write what you wanna write, TELL us it was said in a different language OR let the POV character just tell us their hear something said in an other language they couldn’t understand.
What I want to say is: Have some respect of the language you want to use!
-
What was the first fandom you ever wrote for?
I THINK it was Harry Potter? IDK I wrote a cringy Star Trek Parodie when I was like 14 or so and those OCs went through a lot from that time on forward but Idk if that even counts XD
-
What’s your favorite fic you’ve ever written?
The Game of Our Life It’s a series of Mario x Homestuck Fics I wrote before Undertale came along and swept me away XD I love all my fics of course but this one was the first really big one I finished on english and it was the one I am most proud of of the world-building. It has angst, it has lore, my writing style was just really developing there and I am just proud of it. (Also it’s very self-indulging so yeah XD love it a LOT)
10 notes · View notes
hiii, i really don’t know who to go to for expressing on how i feel about lucas's scandal on here & since i saw you first on here about his scandal, i really hope you don’t mind reading on me ranting/expressing! i would appreciate it sm plsss <3
ok well firstly, i do wanna say that at first it was so hard to believe about all of these rumors, accusations or whatnot about lucas - even tho he & sm apologized about it which had me thinking that this might be true sadly :( but tbh i am having so many mixed feelings on this - confused, hurt, disappointed, sad, betrayed & many more i can't express enough!! :( </3
i've been a lumi for quite awhile now & stan him sm & i genuinely do like, adore & admire him due to his caring nature he gives to us lumis & others. lucas really do seem like a genuine person - just by interacting with him on bubble (lysn) & watching his videos & everything. he's always the type to show & give love to others & interacted with us fans so genuinely & truly. his character is just so lovely imo & after hearing his scandal, i just thought how? how is this true? that boy wouldn't even hurt a bug to be doing this? he doesn't seem like the type who would manipulate & use someone for the sake of his own pleasure. the reason i'm saying this is bc the way he interact with fans & his members, staffs etc. & their honest thoughts/opinions on him, it was all good thoughts/opinions of him. nothing negative or bad.... :/
also i do want to add & say that i do not know lucas personally nor know how he is as a person but based on my own observations from what i said above, it's really hard to even believe that lucas, who is such a soft & caring guy, would do all this to the girls :( like whuut..?
like half of me is telling me this may be true and the other half of me is saying no, this might also be fake & even if he really did do this, there has to be a reason behind it all right!? i'm really the type to believe that anyone who chooses to do such things has to have a valid reason regardless on how bad or good of a person they are. ig i'm the type to not jump into conclusions or assume right away or believe anything so easily. i always want to hear from the person directly out first & then analyze the whole situation after before coming to a final conclusion that oh, whatever they're just an a**hole. forget it but what else am i to say.. lucas apologized publicly so.. *cries*
we never really know what happened behind closed doors between lucas & those girls & knowing how strict the kpop industry is, we don’t know what orders or whatnot that kpop idols have to go thru whenever a scandal comes up
anyways, about everything.. i am truly heartbroken & devastated. also, why do i have a feeling that maybe lucas was going thru a hard time at the time & probably felt overwhelmed by everything & needed someone to comfort him?? idk for sure but let me wear his shoes..... the fact that he chose to be with these girls, who use to be a fan of him from what the scandal says, maybe he trusted them at first then things escalated into something more which probably made them all uncomfortable? IDK i do not want to come off as if i was there & knew what happened fr like I AM JUST TRYING TO PUT MYSELF IN HIS SHOES (don't come @ me pls) ;(
but then again, it's reality & that maybe all of this could be true unless they do gather more evidence & investigate further more that it's not. (which idk if it will happen..) i really do feel bad & sad for him... c-fans are wanting him out of NCT/WAYV & tbh it will never be the same without him if he does get out or leave.. it hurts to see these comments/posts that he does not belong in the group & that he deserve to rot & calling him names etc. it's painful to read it honestly.. pls stop
lastly, whatever it is that lucas is going thru rn, i hope he comes out of this dark place & take all his past experiences/mistakes & learn from it to better himself toward his future. i wish for all the good things to come to him bc i truly believe in him that he will have a better & brighter future & life ahead waiting for him. hate me or whatnot & call me stupid or delusional but i forgive lucas & his past experiences. he was just young at the time, probably lost & confused & didn't know how to control himself. i will continue to stan/support him regardless of his past that just surfaced just now. he deserves a second chance & i believe in giving ppl second chances no matter what <3 spread love, not hate. life is short to hold onto past grudges so i rather forgive & move on & forward. with love, i wish him (& ofc everyone else reading this) a stable & happy life ahead. things probably suck now but they really do get better over time. 💞
ok, that's all. thnx for reading! ❤❤❤ (brb crying, i am getting emotional all of a sudden AHHHH) :'(
Bestie, your message was so long I thought you were the one that was going to come at me lol 😅
I feel everything you said!! It's true that we don't know him, but we do have critical thinking skills, and everything the girls (and now a guy!) have been saying sound clearly fake (and many have been proven to be fake), so we have the right to be skeptical.
And personally unless an investigation proves them to be true, I don't really believe them.
Idk if you've seen the new rumor of a man claiming to be Lucas ex (saying he's bisexual and that Lucas was "proud to have lost his virginity at 13"), saying that he believes the girls. This entire story keeps becoming more and more messy, like a bad season of a tv show, and I'm not really buying any of it....
(sidenote: if he really is bisexual, I'll be really proud of him and super supportive, but if it's true it makes me so sad that he was outed like that)
Don't cry!! I'm here if you need anything!! Stay strong!! And if you need stay off the internet for your mental healths sake 💜💜
6 notes · View notes
myinnerocean · 4 months
Text
Hi Jo,
Here we go. Some time has gone by and with that also some things have changed.
I managed to get used to this place in some way, which means I'm not totally stressed out all the time and everywhere. I got in touch with some people which means when I go outside for cigs I know everyone who's there too and it's kind of company. That's a good thing, it's not only strangers anymore.
I can't do all of the things I should do, like I don't go swimming or go to the gym here but that's okay.
I've got a different problem now and I'm struggling with that.
After 3 weeks being here my therapist talked to me about what she is perceiving and what her impression is of me. And it seems that I show the same problem here as at home with my therapist. It's that I can't open up fully. That doesn't mean I have to talk about all 100% of me and I know that. I actually knew very well what she told me what the problem is because I feel it too. I also feel it with my home therapist and they are both right lol. I will try to explain but it's pretty difficult.
I do can talk about all topics. Right before a session I always feel enough relaxed and motivated and willing at my heart do the therapy work thing lel. . Sometimes I already have a topic in my I head I wanna bring up.But as soon as I enter this talk situation I already have a strong sense of stress. It just happens and I don't know why. Suddenly all those good feelings are gone. I go in kinda protector mode. My body makes it seem like there's an attack coming. I'm sweating, hearts pumping and the whole conversation feels like a fight. And idk why the fuck. At first I thought I just need a lot of time to trust, but I've been there for a year and it didn't change. Like I can talk about everything but when it comes fo the thoughts and feelings behind the things I talk about, all the big questions of why and how my mind thinks about it, I just can't tell. The questions get in my head but they don't really. As more good and right a question goes as distanced my answers go. And I can't do a thing about it. Once I get home and think about the sessions and questions suddenly my mind clears up and only then I feel like the question really gets to me and In my head I get a much more right and honest answer. And I always just wish I could go back and say it then. So now my therapist noticed this pattern and everything she said was right. In totally it means that If I keep sticking by that pattern, i won't make progress. Which is the point I'm at therapy at home. Because I am not getting 100% into it. And ofc the big question is finding out what causes this stress. Why am I holding back? What is the specific fear? What is it, that I'm worried about, if I stop holding back. Those are the questions I got asked, which I ofc also got asked back then at home. Bc that's how the therapist work right, identifying the problem and then you can work on it, but I don't the fuck know. I tell them I trust them. I tell them that I know its okay to say all the things I want, to share all the things and I know that nothing will happen here. But I obviously don't because otherwise I would do it, right ?
Ugh idk i feel like for outer ppl if seems not like a big deal. Like the advice I hear is 'give yourself time/ there's nothing to be scared of / everybody feels weird talking with a stranger about everything inside ur head" but I feel like in my case it just goes much deeper and I need more than more time or just more trust.
So that convo made me the fuck sad and very angry about myself. I just keep thing 'I hate myself' a hundred times. Because after all this time and many happenings I took so many steps to finally get rid of all this dark shit. And now it's really myself who's is holding me back. Who say no to the help all These nice ppl Here are offering me. My therapist asked what we can change or do different so that I feel more at ease and all I can think about it is to say nothing. Because there's nothing wrong there. I like her, she's kind and there isn't a single thing she does that makes me uncomfortable.
So that's what's in my mind now. Thinking about how my mind works, where the switch is to make talking about my inside does not feel like a death sentence, as if the worst that could happen. Because otherwise this time here was wasted and nothing will ever change. Since that convo my depression raised loool so i just feel down and mainly hopeless.
Now it's weekend and as always I just hope time goes by fast because weekends are just empty days here. And I just hope the next sessions comes soon and I will give everything to not hold back. But idk man, idk idk idk.
0 notes
zhuhongs · 4 years
Text
Upon rereading tgcf, one of the biggest complaints I have is how lackluster all the extra chapters were. literally none of them were good and all contained rlly gross and harmful sentiments (like the amnesia one which.. yea.. or all the things implying xl should get pregnant for hc thus equating gay relationships with hetero ones and playing into the wife thing and just GOD I HATE MXTX) 
There were a lot of little plot points i wish that had been further elaborated on more in the extras as opposed to hualian being ... like that. I had enough. Like mdzs had actaully good extras (minus the incense burners) that were nice side stories that elaborated more on the characters. Like the hook one with the juniors was so cute and i loved seeing them grow more. Or the lotus pod extras omg.. im such a lotus pod extra stan. those were so cute and gave us a lot of good insight into just how lovestruck lwj was during the times when he didn’t see wwx. mxtx should've stuck to those sorta extras in tgcf but NOOO. SO I have a list of so many other more interesting things those chapters couldve been spent on like:
A resolution on He Xuan’s revenge and his character arc. Bc its implied He Xuan is still hanging out and watching over sqx and that taking revenge didn’t fully satisfy him bc ok.. yea shi wudu is dead but he xuans family will never come back. Now what does he have to live for?? i wish we couldve seen a look into his life during the entire ordeal. like a chapter from his perspective while he was posing as Ming Yi  and maybe a look at a conversation btw he xuan and the real ming yi or a chapter after SQX was banished to see what he’s doing now. Also what did he xuan owe hua cheng money for anyways?? Like ik not every little thing has to be explained but I Want to Know. PLEASE more goth boyfriend content now I just wanna see him :,((
a better resolution of yin yu and quan yizhens storyline. im still mad abt how that plot point was split btw books 3 and 5  when it was rlly out of place and  there were other more pressing plot matters and it just rlly deserved more time. Also i thought yin yu died!?!?!? but apparently one of the extras says he’s alive and man... i;m not reading any more of the extras to see that, give me a full yin yu and quan yizhen chapter.. fuck.
a day in the life of the guoshi fangxin or general hua PLEASE especially like one where hua cheng was SO CLOSE to meeting xie lian but had no clue that xie lian was there at the time but the two did smth that inadvertantly helped the other and they still were connected even though they hadnt met omg pls that’d be so nice. like imagine Hua cheng catching a glimpse of the guoshi in public in yong’an while he’s trying to follow some lead that points to xie lian or maybe following a lead to capture qi rong bc he said he knew qi rong was a part of the yong’an stuff and originally thought the guoshi was one of qi rongs pawns. like can you IMAGINE him getting so close. but at the last second he did smth small that impacted xie lian. like they bumped into eachother on the street or smth. god i’d go crazy
OR vice versa.. like a day in the life of the young ghost king hua cheng. Like again, one of my biggest issues was that hua cheng just knew everything and its never really explained how he got all of that info. like yes he’s been alive very long and has eyes and ppl working for him everywhere but like... how did he build that network?? I’d love to see a chapter of young ghost king hua cheng travelling around trying to learn as much as he can abt the world and how it can help bring him to xie lian. and the two maybe are in the same kingdom for a bit and they don’t meet exactly but hua cheng stops some fight or something and helps xie lian indirectly or maybe xie lian is performing on the street in some costume and hua cheng doesn’t recognize him and smiles and gives him a coin or smth. idk i’m just dying for any sorta extra chapter or fic like that. i’m honestly so tempted to write my own but i cant write
also!! we’ve seen how xie lian picks up people down on their luck near him and show them kindness (like banyue, lang ying, xiao ying, he tried to with san lang but we know how that ended lmao) so i’d love to see another little vignette of him doing that on his travels and how every person he meets teaches him smth about life and being a good person and idk, i just think it’d be rlly sweet. i love this facet of his character and feel like we didn’t see enough of it towards the end.
ALSO hua cheng only seems to respect one heavenly official besides xie lian and thats yushi huang.. i assume thats mostly bc she was the only one to help xie lian and let him use the rain master hat to bring water to yong’an. I was thinking maybe when he was a new supreme he had run into trouble and maybe was picked up by the rain master and helped him heal and in return he promised to help protect her village from harm in the future. Like i know a heavenly official wouldn’t cooperate with a ghost like that but yushi huang is different and doesn’t really care about the heavens so i think she would protect him if he could do something to benefit her village. ik this is kinda far fetched but when he first became a supreme I’m sure a bunch of ppl probably tried to mess with him and didn’t rlly believe him to be undefeatable bc he hadn’t proved himself yet also i doubt all his power came overnight. he had to learn how to use it once he escaped the kiln. and some group probably thought they could weaken him somehow. I’m thinking maybe a rlly well formed group of ghosts actually caught him off guard once and he had to retreat and was picked up by the rain master and stayed with her and learned from her a bit. i think it’d be a cool concept also i just rlly want more yushi huang content and i’m on their friendship agenda bc he rlly did seem to actually respect her when she first appeared and i think it’d be cool if the two had some history together.
Also idrc if this was addressed I couldve missed it But!! Did xie lian ever tell Hua cheng that the reason he got the curse shackles and was banished again in the first place wasnt bc jun wu wanted to punish him, but because he requested it. And specifically requested it bc he felt guilty abt letting wu ming take the human face disease and disperse for his sake. So he took the shackles and descended to atone for that?? Bc I dont recall hua cheng learning that bc his soul was already dispersed at that point so it didnt follow him and xie lian didnt say anything so uhhh... someone should tell hua cheng that. Like I dont think xie lian rlly said how much hua cheng meant to him and didnt show him he was loved in grand ways. Like xie lian did always care for bc in other ways but I think if hua cheng learned abt this on screen it wouldve been such a great moment and I'm rlly surprised mxtx didnt address this iirc!?!? Like imagine jun wu telling Hua cheng this in the kiln bc xie lian wouldnt say it himself. Imagine how cool that would be.
Also a small thing adding into the whole young ghost king Hua cheng stuff. Its implied and p much stated that hua cheng isnt his real name. That he likely doesnt have a real name bc his parents died? (It's not clear. I'm still mad at mxtx for not making his childhood clearer). So I'd like to see when and why hua cheng chose that name for himself. The new tgcf ending song kinda hints at its meaning with the lyrics "for you I'd fill a city of flowers" as xie lian is the flower wielding martial god so it's probably inspired by that. Also xie lian saved hua cheng from leaping off the city walls but I'd love to hear him say it bc the implication of his name didnt dawn on me for quite a bit and I dont know if everyone made the connection. Again I sure as hell didnt. So itd be cool to see a chapter that takes place in his past after just ascending as a supreme
Overall I rlly think tgcf had a lot more potential to be even better and a lot of that comes down to fleshing out the side characters and letting hualian have more of a storyline independent of one another. like i know the appeal and message of tgcf is that through love, people can overcome anything, but fuck man. i just wanna see what these two (mostly hua cheng) where like in the absence of each others presence. Part of what I really liked abt mdzs is that we got to see that longing develop btw wangxian when the two weren’t together and how they thought about each other and did things in thei others spirit bc they knew the other wouldve done the same thing. but whatever, mxtx was too consumed by her own unhealthy idea of what devotion and true love looks like but still. i rlly think the extras couldve helped the story be better rather than be fujoshi fuel that i try to bleach from my mind -_-
42 notes · View notes