#i just like writing him giving sermons someone please save me from myself

[kittiofdoom]

"Soft hand touches with a light comforting squeeze that instantly assures you they're there." for Avery and Joseph?

Soft Touches

Words: 804 Tags: overstimulation but not in a sexy way it's the other way, slightly possessive Joseph Thank you so much for the prompt!! I blame listening to the choir versions of the songs for this. Why does the music have to go so hard? Also I put a face touch in here too because I can't help myself.

The world was a fraction off kilter. Some small part of her recognized it was in her head, but that thought was buried under too bright lights and a cacophony of garbled noise that Ava couldn't even begin to process. Some days Ava just woke up and the world was wrong and no matter what it didn't right itself. She just had to suffer through it—that was how it had always been.

John's sunglasses sat on her nose, baseball cap pulled down to cast a dark shadow across her scowling features. She was currently curled into the smallest possible ball she could make herself on one of the church pews, head resting on her knees as Joseph conducted his sermon. The people beside her knew to give her space, even when the church was packed full they made sure to give Ava a comfortable distance not to make her uncomfortable. She was glad for it, but didn't quite know how to express that so she just kept the sentiment to herself.

Joseph was talking, but Ava couldn't hear, words lost to her in the ringing of her ears but she stared at him like he was the sun. Beautiful—radiant—bathing all those in his holy light with warmth and comfort.

He noticed her halfway through his sermon, the smallest raise of his brow in silent question—are you okay?—as he continued to speak. His gaze drifted away over the familiar faces of his flock, returning after a few words for his answer.

Ava's stillness was all the answer Joseph needed.

It was a small movement at first, descending down from the podium step by step. If he moved too quickly Ava might bolt, she was timid like that. A wounded animal that needed to be gently approached. She shuffled back in her seat but relaxed as soon as Joseph walked to someone else and ran his hands over their shoulder, then another person with their arm and a third cradling the back of their head.

He stayed like this, walking amongst his people, giving comfort with his words and touch until he'd done enough loops to get close enough to Avery. She scowled at him from underneath the brim of her hat, knowing that he'd end up here but not wanting to be singled out.

Joseph smiled and offered his hand first, waiting for Ava to come to him. It took a minute but eventually her scarred fingers and palm slid against his own.

The world shifted back into focus, just a fraction, Joseph's voice piercing through the noise.

“-we must remember to love each other, deeply, unashamed. We must support each other and carry the burden. Let love triumph over a multitude of sins,” Joseph said, squeezing Ava's hand as he spoke. “We are not made to be islands, lost at sea with nothing on the horizon but storm clouds.”

Ava relaxed, her legs sliding along the pew and tucking beside her rather than being built like a wall between them. Joseph always had this way through to her. Ava couldn't explain it, but it didn't matter how far gone she was. Joseph could always bring her back.

“If you see your neighbour struggling, reach out to them. Let His love—my love—act through you and guide the lost and the weary,” Joseph continued. His other hand reached out, the back of his fingers brushing against Ava's cheek until the bumped against John's sunglasses. The corners of his lips pulled into a thin line briefly when he looked back over to John behind him as if to confirm they did in fact belong to his brother.

“You are not alone, you are loved and protected,” Joseph didn't miss a beat in his words despite his movements. Gently, carefully, he plucked the glasses from Ava's nose, gesturing behind him with them for John to come and claim them. When he had Joseph pulled his hand away from Ava for just a moment, despite the small noise of protest she made. Her hand hovered in the space between them, lost.

Joseph reached up and removed his own sunglasses, offering Ava a smile as he slid them on her face. That was better. He then took her hand and found her once more, tracing the rough lines of scarring with his thumb. He draw them one by one in a well practiced motion, knowing the way they cut across her skin without needing to look.

Ava stared up at him, finally calm and he could see the adoration and love writ across her features, bright—radiant—beautiful. She was the moon, reflecting his light back him. Sometimes she might hide herself away in shadows, but she could never truly be hidden.

His light would always find her.

“The storm will break. I am here.”

[mysticgoblinwriter]

Driving In A Cold Sweat; There Is No One On This Highway

Warnings- Murder, infidelity, swearing, food imagery, shitty parents, i made Steve the villain who’s in the HOA and a politician, adult content, dark!reader, cheating, a bit of flirting, mental health joke (mental health is NOT a joke, y’all), religion symbolism, dark!steve, peggy x bucky,

Word Count- 1.9k

kudos to @blackberrybucky for being my soundboard, and @fandomsandxfiles for being my beta reader. Love y'all

a/n- This is inspired by Hypothermic by Goodnight Texas.  Its really dark, and I surprised myself writing this but I like it. I also changed the landscape to desert. Leave comments if you want! As many as you like, I fangirl over my work too. All writers should, its selfcare.

IF YOU WANT SOMETHING FLUFFY AND SOFT TURN AWAY NOW; MINORS DNI

DO NOT COPY OR REPOST ANYWHERE. A REBLOG IS APPRECIATED. A REPOST IS NOT.

Bucky looks you up and down, taking you in like you are the gods own ambrosia.  “So, doll.  What brings you to this shit hole?”

You laugh to yourself.  “I murdered somebody.”- was the sentence that also inspired this but its not in the actual story.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The radio gave out miles ago.  It was emitting nothing except for crackling and static.  Every now and then it would cut back to a sermon, funnily enough it’d been the same one that was on when you started your trip.  Sunset was a little ways off.  If you looked hard enough you could see coyotes just off the asphalt.  Alive, yes.  But just how long had their souls been gone?  Someone was screaming.

A man.  You’d heard that scream before.  Seared into you memory like that steak you had for your 15th birthday. It was right next to you.  Oozing blood and raw-red.  You could hear the clink of the knife as it scraped against the plate.  Shaking your head to clear it, you notice an exit with a gas station.  “Now’s a time as good as any to stop.”  Gravel crunches as you slide up next to the pump. The neon beer lights from the bar across the road are calling.  But you can’t answer. The gas handle is slick and grimy, you’ve felt something like that before, but you can’t remember what.  A fuzzy noise in the back of your ears gets your attention.  Another truck has pulled in.  Right in the spot next to yours, never mind the dozen others that are free.  A bulky man steps down, his face hidden by a rangers hat.

You could tell he worked out though.  And had hair in need of a washing.  Clunk.  The tank was full.  You thought it best to leave before anyone could place you, but your stomach needed something other than greasy two-bit fast food.  You glance around, looking for any sign that promised a hot meal.

“Looking for something, doll?” You let out a small gasp.  He was staring straight at you now.

“Does this shithole have a place to eat?  I might have to start eating the cactus.”

He lets out a soft laugh, “Yeah, there’s a diner about half mile down the road.”

His face brightens like he just thought of something.  “You wanna meet me there?  I’ll buy dinner?”  You weigh the options.  You can’t have anybody recognize you; but your cash is getting low and however you can stretch it, you must.  You nod once.  “Sure.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The diner is every trope you’d seen in the movies your pops watched when he got off work.  Flies buzzing, neon sign flickering, checkered tile.  It even had the shiny red leather booths.  What a dream.  “Getcha a seat anywhere, honey.  I’ll be right over,” came a perky voice from the back.  Presumably a waitress. You choose the booth near the back exit.  Its always good to have a backup plan.

The man said he needed to get something at the mini-mart, that you could go ahead and he’d catch up.  Somebody screamed right next to you, causing you to jump out of your seat.  You whip your head around.  No one was even in the dining area.  It sounded so real.  Like you could reach out and grasp the shattering inky blackness.  You take a couple of deep breaths.  Try to remember your happy place.  Tahiti, its a magical place.  Or so you’ve been told  You just picked it from a magazine that was open on the coffee table the night your mother set fire to the curtains in the living room.  The flames had licked up the page, burning the island resort into ash.  Boots thudded as they made way to where you were.  He slides in across from you.

“Um, the waitress’ll be right out,” you said softly.  He barely heard it over the rickety air conditioning.  He nods to show he heard.  He’s sitting close.  Closer than you’d thought another human would ever sit next to you again.  His hands are rough and calloused.  The sleeve cuffs of his hoodie are frayed; as if someone clawed at them.  Eyes traveling up his body, you take in more details.  The hoodie isn’t faded, its brand new.  He wears a bracelet of leather on his right hand, with a charm you can’t quite see.  His necklace is corded hemp, plain and understated.

A light stubble that’s maybe three days old covers his jaw.  His eyes... are piercing right through you. You take in a quick breath, not being able to look away.  You’d never seen that shade of blue before.   He’d been watching you watching him.  Quirking an eyebrow, ”See anything ya like, doll?” You start to sputter an answer but the waitress comes over.  “Sorry about the wait.  Here’s your-”  Blue eyes interrupts her, “We don’t need those.  I’ll have the special and she’ll have the ‘Its Impossible To Go Away Hungry’ plate”  “Okay, then.  I’ll get that right out to ya folks.”

You glare at him, he mirrors it with dicky nonchalance. “Why did you order for me?”  He leans forward, tilts his head the right the tiniest fraction.  “You’re starved.  I really don’t give a damn what kept you from eating but I ain’t gonna let you go without giving you a meal.  The steak plate is the biggest meal they have.  You can take a to go box, that is if you don’t eat the whole thing.”

“Oh.”  You cast out a huff, “Well, thank you.”  He flashes a killer smile. Pearly white teeth in a straight line.  Not an imperfection to be found anywhere.  A silence falls between the two of you.  You can’t decide whether its comfortable of not.

“My name is Bucky.  I thought you wouldn’t like eating with a stranger.  I like to doodle in the margins of my books sometimes.”  “Please tell me not library books.”  He scoffs as if you suggested the impossible, “Never.  Do you think I’m crazy?”

“Jury’s out on that, Bucky.”  He looks at you more intently now.  “Really?  Same could be said about you.  When I first spoke to you it was like a deer in headlights.  Ya running from something, sugar?”  He’d said it jokingly but you didn’t laugh.

“No.  Nothing like that.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shirley came back with your plates, and two root beers.  She left the check at the end of the table and Bucky swooped it up.  The meal passed by in the comfortable sounds of silverware clinking and ice clacking in the cups.  You both ate in record time.

You were careful to save enough for a second meal. That went into the to go container.  Now both cups were drained and plates scraped clean.  You start to slide out of your seat, mumbling a thanks but Bucky stops you.  “Wait, won’t you sit here a while longer?  I’d be kinda sad sitting here alone.”  After a moments hesitation, you resume your position.  “What do you wanna talk about?  It can’t be the weather.  Its been dry as bones for weeks.”   He ponders for a moment, “You.”  He shifts a little, resting one ankle on the opposite knee.

“I want to know what you’re running from, and see if I can offer...a distraction.”  That shocks you.  “Life?  Aren’t we all running away in some form or another?  I just happened to take the mobile route.”  You shrug, “What do you want me to say?  It was all shitty so I left it behind.  And as for the distraction part, I got a whore last night, so don’t bother.”  He is silent.  Just sits there and gazes at you.  You cock your head, getting impatient.  “Am I allowed to leave now?  Or do you want to talk about our feelings?”

“I slept with my best friends wife.”

“I-I’m sorry you what??”

“I slept with my best friends wife.  He owns half the town, what with him being mayor and all.  I couldn’t take it anymore, he’s always been the golden boy.  Always been the beacon of light.  I just wanted a slice of what he had.”  He looks up, his eyes are dead.  “She was willing, and I just... took her.  There on his desk.  He’d been out for lunch with some bigwig, and I made her cum twice on my cock.”  He chuckles darkly.  “That’d been the first time.  All the other times don’t matter, he doesn’t know about those.  But he does know about the time in the craft shed.  Peggy did pottery.

Had a nice little workshop, it was connected to the mansion they had.  I wanted to bring her pleasure in the place where she gets frustrated often, so she’d have something else to think about.  Steve caught us on the floor.  A big bunch of daffodils in hand.  Stupid, those weren’t even her favorites.”  He was gone now, lost in memories, not even knowing he was talking.  “Said he had come by to take her to lunch.  That was always like Steve.  Expected her to clear her schedule at the drop of a hat but never doing the same for anybody. He didn’t even get mad.  He just walked away, muttering something about his office.

Peggy said she could talk some sense into him.  The next day I found her in the garbage when I took out my trash.”  Your sharp inhale and big eyes do nothing to catch his attention.  “Steve comes strolling out of nowhere, said that she was a threat to his image.  Said that I need to leave or face the same.  I asked why he left me alive and he said ‘So you can remember the pain until you lay down in the ground and the mice and carrion drag your body up from its silk cocoon to feast.”

But that’s not all.”  He said the last bit so quietly, it was as if he said nothing.

“What?”  He’s crying now, tears are forming rivers in his eyes.  “She knew.  She knew  he was going to be there and that’s how she wanted to go out.”  Your puzzled expression makes him laugh.  “Don’t know many politicians, do you?  Good.  Keep it that way.  That day when the mail came I got a letter.  From her.  It said how she wanted to divorce Steve ever since he became the HOA president.  But she couldn’t.  He had threatened her once, just once and what he said was so blisteringly awful.  And he did it.  He is a man of his word, after all.  He kept his damn word.”

“So...she used you as an out?”  He winces.  You hadn’t meant to sound like that.

“Yes.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Out in the diners parking lot you say goodbye to James.  Wait.  No, no.  His name is Bucky.  He’s got a green  Chevy and blue eyes.  Or was it red?  It doesn’t matter anyway.  You back out and head for the next state, ignoring the blood leaking from the tarp in your trunk.  The screams have stopped.  And the moon is bright.

[sword-brainrot]

Oh, um! May I request a matchup? I know these can be draining to do so feel free to skip me if you want!!

So, um hi! Im a 19 yo translation student! Everyone uses she/her when talking to me, but you can use whatever you like, I dont mind pronouns! Im really shy and kinda anxious when talking to people, but I'm completely see-through ;; cant tell a lie to save my life haha Im super curious abt practically anything and I love to learn new things! When I have to get work done, I make sure it looks shiny and perfect! (even tough I procastinate on it until there's almost no time left,,,,) I prefer indoors because loud sounds make me somewhat panicky??;;;; and in my free time I play games, learn useless stuff and sleep... y'know, the usual ^^;

As for what I'd like in a parter.... I want someone who cares about me ;; I know it may be a bit too much but I guess I can dream right? :') As for myself,,,, idk id be a completely mess ;; Im good at listening I think! but when it comes to affection Im at a loss and I just get embarrassed,,,, I blush at everything and when Im put in a spot I try to laugh it off ;;

Um, also... Im sure you already noticed but I have some self issues so you may want to take this into consideration???? maybe???? Im sorry I had to bring this up;;; i tought it could help you get a better picture of myself haha???? uuu;; (um also i apologize for this huge wall of text, i know its all over the place.... dont know how to organize it;;;;)

Oh, and I don't care about sword types nor I have a preference! I love all the slashy boys equally ♡

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it 💖💖

Oh I would never skip your request! If I ever get drained, I would take a small break. I wanna do your requests dear! Feel free to request as much as you want, I have a blast whenever I can write and make someone smile because of it. Don't worry about bothering me or anything, seeing requests always makes me smile and excited to write 💖🌺

I Match You With...

🌸 Ishikirimaru 🌸

♡  Ishikirimaru is a very calm and friendly guy, he would understand very well how scary social interaction can be for some people. He would never push you too far and make sure he knows your limits. He would offer you to have tea with him or help him clean just so you both can bond together and let you know what he does want to be around you. He doesn't mind if you don't talk much because you are shy! Ishikirimaru doesn't talk too much in general but doesn't mind starting the conversation and having a short discussion about things that may interest you or your thoughts on things.

♡  Don't worry about ever making him angry or annoyed, it is very hard to do that. He is very easy going and cares a lot about other people. The only way he would ever get actually angry at you is if you say something insensitive about how people's lives in war don't matter or something along those lines. He was a sword kept in a temple that often got prayed to for healing the warriors who came back from battle with deadly wounds. That is the only thing that would actually get under his skin. He cares a lot about the people around him and even the people he doesn't know, he prays for all of their well beings. Even yours. He cares about you a lot as well and will tell you often that you matter to everyone. He is aware that you would never say something to upset him on purpose. As long as the two of you talk it out and apologize to each other, he will forget it even happened. He wouldn't let one slip of the tongue to ruin the relationship.

♡  He tries hard to make sure he never upsets anyone and thinks over his words carefully, but even he makes mistakes and words don't come out how they planned. He will make the most effort to apologize and make sure his words didn't hurt you badly. If they did, he would spend hours on end talking it out and making sure you know that he would never mean anything that would hurt you. He cares about you a lot and your smile is his favorite.

♡  Ishikirimaru might be a little pushy when you talk badly about yourself. He loves everything about you and it hurts him when you think you are lesser than everyone. He will often try to stop you before you go too far with talking down upon yourself and give you plenty of compliments, even if they embarrass you. He wants you to know that you are deserving of love and that you are much better than you give yourself credit for. You have your own talents and people cherish you for being you. They want you in their life because you are you.

♡  "Aruji, I haven't been human long but I understand that being human is a complicated task. The mind can be a cruel one and the deadliest thing to our souls. My words may not mean much but please trust me when I say that you like you for you. You will see things you do not like about yourself because you are stuck with yourself constantly so you will pick up things that others will not. We are all hard on ourselves. Life is even worse on us. So take a deep breath and let yourself receive a little kindness. You deserve it. You give out so much to everyone so you need to know that it is okay to love things about yourself and be proud of who you are. You will make mistakes and not everyone will be your friend but that is okay, because you are human and you have your own life. Surround yourself with people that will love and appreciate you for who you are now. I love and appreciate you for who you are, aruji. So.. Don't be so hard on yourself, alright? It hurts my fragile heart when I see you beat yourself up for small mistakes. It's okay to stumble at times, just get up again... okay? I'll lend you my hand as well."

♡  As you can tell, Ishikirimaru is a very good listener. His whole life as a sword was to listen to those of the pained and give guidance. Even if he couldn't exactly do that in his sword form, he can do that now! He will listen to everything you have to say. Don't be shy to ramble to him. He will give you a happy smile as he listens. Tell him about the things that make you happy, what make you angry, what makes you laugh, and what makes you sad. Ishikirimaru will be right by your side, offering tea and a shoulder if you need it. You aren't alone and he will make sure you know that you don't have to face these thoughts alone.

♡  Just as how you are see through and can't lie, Ishikirimaru has a similar issue. He has a very hard time ever lying and chooses to never lie. The only time he will lie is if it is to protect others. He will often put himself in the painful position in missions so others don't have to face the hardship. He tries to not do it often because he knows that people care about him and he doesn't have to face things alone, but he would rather not see anyone sad if he can help it!

♡  He finds your embarrassed face the cutest thing in the world. Don't be scared to tell him to stop if the compliments become too much for you to handle! He will laugh it off and apologize for going too far with his comments. As stated above, he doesn't lie. So just know that every compliment he gives you is a very sincere comment that he means with his whole heart. Ishikirimaru doesn't need much affection, as long as you show that you simply care about him, he is happy. He would like to hold your hand from time to time but otherwise, he wouldn't force you to do anything you don't wish to do. Go at your own pace in the relationship, he won't rush you!

♡  Ishikirimaru will tell you anything you wish to learn! He might not have a library of knowledge of the past due to being stuck in a shrine for most of his life but he had also studied and learned about the history he came from. If you take an interest in his prayers and religion, he would gladly tell you all the tales he is aware of and teach you the cleansing sermon he often does to give positive spiritual energy. It is something that brings him peace of mind and makes him happy to talk about, so if you are willing to learn about what makes him who he is today and what makes him happy, he would be overjoyed to share all his knowledge to you.

♡  He understands very well the appeal of getting work done to the best of your ability and making it look the best you can. He wouldn't label himself a perfectionist but he does want to do the best he can. Often with cleaning. You will often see him stuck in a room all day because he wants to make sure it is spotless before he comes out and continues work else where. Though... by the time he is done... It is dinner time. Perhaps the two of you could work together and get work done to the point you are both happy with it.

♡  Ishikirimaru is also someone who happens to stay inside for the most part. The only time he goes outside would be to enjoy tea in the sun or if he has to work the field/horse keeping. Ishikirimaru is a very soft spoken and gentle man so you don't have to worry about him every raising his voice and scaring you. If there is ever a loud noise, whether it is other swords or a storm outside, he will gently hold your hand and try to calm you down. He will assure you that it's okay to not like loud noises but he will make sure that nothing hurts you. He will even try to lead you away to somewhere that may be a little more quiet. Giving you a distraction to get your mind off the noise. He wants nothing more than you to feel comfortable and safe.

♡  Depending on the game, he may want to play with you! He tends to like card games even though he is very easy to read and often loses. He tends to laugh about it after when he realizes that he was accidentally showing his hand every time he set down his cards to get a sip of tea. If it's video games, he would prefer to just watch you play and talk to you while you enjoy the game. He isn't the biggest fan but still enjoys to watch! Ishikirimaru is a pretty good teacher! So if you wish to study with him, he would be flattered that you wished to study with him out of everyone. He is very understanding that some material is hard to memorize out of no where. He would just softly correct you and tell you to work on it a little more. He rewards you with sweets every time you do really well on any test he gives you to test how much you remember.

♡  Ishikirimaru would be the most understanding and gentle partner. He wants nothing more than you being comfortable and happy. He would work hard on you slowly forgiving yourself when you make a mistake and love yourself a little more. He would never give up on you and be there if you ever needed.

[thechurchofdodo]

October 11 Sermon - Mercy

Good evening, everybody. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’m very sorry for the lack of services. I’m afraid that ever since my confirmation into consecrated life, I was struck with an illness most foul! I was trapped in bed for most of the past two weeks, and only recently have I felt well enough to preach.

And worse still, I was struck with melancholy. As you can imagine, it’s not easy to write when you feel like the whole world’s pressing down on you. It’s not easy to do, well, much of anything when you feel like that. It’s a crippling, stifling feeling, and as much as I wanted to get out of bed and try to be active again, I kept talking myself out of it. “No, why bother? No, let’s not…”

Have you felt that way before too? Like you just want to curl up into a tight little ball and not talk to anybody? Sometimes I want to make a ball and sleep for eons, like how Dodo did when the world was young.

But even Dodo had to wake up sometimes. He still had great things to do, and mercy to spread! As much as he slept and kept to himself, Dodo couldn’t be alone forever. And if he hadn’t left his nest, he wouldn’t have been able to spread his mercy, and give a listening ear to those who need it-- like the bird and the moogle in our reading-- or been given mercy himself.

The bird and the moogle had every reason to fight, or so they believed. They had been wronged by the other, and they were going to fight the other until they admitted they were wrong. But what the two of them needed, honestly, was a kind, listening ear. Dodo did not need to say anything; all he had to do was show them that he was there, and he was listening.

I feel like sometimes, that’s what we truly need. Sometimes we don’t need someone to come in and magically fix all our problems, or tell us how to fix the things that bother us. Sometimes we just want someone to be there for us. Sometimes we need someone to lean upon, someone that we know is listening. “I’m here for you. I love you. I am listening.” And that’s what Dodo does for all of us! When we are at our lowest, we must never forget that we aren’t ever alone. Dodo walks alongside us, even when we can’t see him, and he is always there, waiting for us to lean into his feathery bosom and take refuge in his love. When you feel like coiling up into that tight little ball, you must remember that Dodo is waiting there for you, to listen to you when you feel ready.

And even Dodo needed mercy at some points. In the advancing advent of man, Dodo was worshipped less and less as the Father of the Gods, and all his powers weakened. He wasn’t seen as divine anymore. People were very cruel to him, thinking he was naught more than a dumb beast.

But the First Saint saw this poor, pitiful creature, and fed him when no one else would. She took mercy on him and ended up saving him from a painful, withering end. Isn’t it astonishing what mercy can do? What it can do to a man that seeks refuge?

I forgot that lesson while in my sickness, and in my melancholy. I shrank away and said that I didn’t need help. I didn’t need my friends to talk to me-- I just had to endure. And sometimes, that’s all you can do, but… Know this. You need not suffer alone anymore. Pour out your heart’s sadnesses and regrets to Dodo, and know that no matter how pained your heart, no matter how bad you may feel… Dodo loves you. He loves you so, so much.

Friends, please remember; you are never alone in your journeys. Even if you walk the dusty paths by yourself, even if you walk under the shade of night, you are never, ever alone. You have not been forsaken. Dodo will always guide you and light your path. 

And he will remind you that you have friends and family to lean upon. Please don’t lock your sadness away for no one to see or hear. You are loved. You are loved by someone. Sometimes you just need a reminder-- and there’s no shame in that. Dodo coaxed me out of bed to confide in the bosom of my knights. Dodo may do the same for you, for the gift of mercy is one he gave to every person.

You may feel that you have a long way to go. That the road ahead is one you must take alone, or the struggles you face you must endure by yourself. That isn’t true. If you reach your hand out… I’m sure someone will be there to take it.

We will now prepare ourselves to partake in Holy Communion. Sometimes our souls cry out for mercy, for nourishment and succor, and Holy Communion does just that for us. It links us back to Dodo, and makes our friendship with him stronger than ever. It is meant to soothe our spiritual hunger-- and our spiritual pain. When we partake in the food that sustained him when he was at his lowest, we can better accept and spread the gift of mercy, and bring ourselves closer to our savior.

May Dodo bless you all. You are loved. 

[cuddletime-blog]

Lucien: A Charitable Man

           What if Lucien Xu was a new man with honest and benevolent intentions? A young, female journalist is skeptical of his charitable work for the church and seeks to uncover the truth behind Pastor Lucien’s personality.

I was a journalist for The Loveland Times and I was recently transferred from Loveland to a small town outside of the big city. I was assigned to investigate Pastor Lucien Xu who worked in churches for both Loveland and the small town that I had moved to for this assignment. Lucien was the head of a “mega church” in Loveland and he appeared on television for Sunday sermons, drawing in huge crowds of worshippers with his very effective rhetoric, gentle demeanor, handsome, good looks, and unparalleled charisma. More recently, there was also an upsurge in the number of new church members for the small town outside of Loveland. Both of his churches were collecting incredibly large donations, which seemed quite suspicious to me and I was determined to expose his corruption if there was any to be found.

           I attended his Sunday church services with his congregation to see for myself what this young, prominent religious leader was like and perhaps better understand him and his motives. I emailed and requested that the pastor meet with me because I wanted to interview him about the donations to the church and his influence or impact on the local community. Lucien agreed to meet with me this Friday for the interview. I tried my best to remain calm, professional, and polite even though we clashed and butted heads for a bit.

           First, I asked him, “For what purposes or where was the money from the donations being used? Are you planning to build more churches with that money or do you have other intentions?”  Lucien replied, “I am using that money to open and fund more children’s hospitals, orphanages, and schools, specifically new schools with a focus on teaching religion and science. I would like to take you on a personal tour of all those schools, hospitals, and orphanages if you are interested. I think the children would like to meet a friendly new face here in town and you can tell them about the big city and what it is like to be a journalist for a major newspaper. I am hoping that you can help me spread even more awareness or publicity about my charitable causes and endeavors for the sake of the sick and needy children in this small town.”

I said, “That all sounds wonderful. However, if I find that there is any shady business, I won’t hesitate to expose any and all of your corrupt schemes.” In response, he asked me, “Why do you care so much about exposing corruption?” I replied, “The people of this town are good people and have been very kind to me ever since I moved here. I won’t stand by if someone scams or harms them.” Next, Lucien asked me, “What if I have no corrupt schemes? What will you do then?” I responded, “Then, I will no longer interfere in your business and I will leave you alone.” His beautiful dark eyes had a momentary spark in them with an ominous, competitive aura as if he was motivated to challenge me and he said, “It is too late. I can’t leave you alone when you are so evidently prejudiced and misunderstand me. I live a rather humble life with only basic necessities. My house is simple, minimalist, and of adequate size for a lonely bachelor clergyman and the only most valuable possessions I own are my books. I can show you my house too if you’d like.”  

The pastor surprised me with his exceptional philanthropy, humility, and persuasion. I accepted his offer to tour the local schools, orphanages, and hospitals and we visited the children together. The children were very pleased to meet me and I got along with them quite well. We made arts and crafts together and played several games. I took many photos of the happy, smiling children. They were very grateful for Lucien and the many benefactors who sponsored the schools, orphanages, and hospitals. Hence, I was able to write very positive articles about Lucien’s many charities.

           Shortly after those tours, I told Lucien that I was very much inspired by his charitable works and wanted to work as a part-time teacher’s aide for the younger children in the town’s elementary school and as a pediatric nurse in the hospital. I was a sickly child when I was growing up and my grandfather, who was my biggest role model, was a nurse and he helped take care of me when my father was busy with work. The small town didn’t have major news to report often so I decided to change careers. I wanted to gain healthcare experience and help the town’s patients so I applied to and enrolled in the local nursing school. After graduating, I worked at the hospital and later travelled with Lucien to several foreign countries on medical missions trips. I volunteered in different hospitals and small clinics and wrote books about his travels and charitable deeds.

After working closely together for a year and a half, we developed feelings for each other and he asked me to be his girlfriend. Lucien back-hugged me one evening and confessed his feelings, “I have followed and admired your journalism articles for a long time ever since you were a rookie journalist. You expose and write about the hard-hitting truths or facts, not only about scandals and corruption, but you also write meaningful, heartwarming news about the better side of humanity. I think we’re a good match for each other because we are both so ambitious about helping others.” He said that the mayors of Loveland and our town were trying to set him up with their daughters, but he told them that he already declined since he had someone else in mind that he was interested in dating. I accepted his confession and decided to be his girlfriend after thinking about his request and considerate evaluation of me.

           Lucien and I became engaged to each other after dating for about a year and we decided to take another trip abroad together, but it was for leisure this time instead of for work. He packed our luggages two nights ago and I was checking them today to see if any last minute adjustments were needed just in case if I had forgotten anything important before our upcoming flight tomorrow morning. I made an unexpected discovery when I found some large amounts of tightly folded wads of cash hidden away in his luggage. I confronted Lucien and asked him point blank if he was being bribed or whether he was embezzling money from his churches and charities. Why was he hiding money in his luggage?

           He replied that the cash was from his own savings and that he was planning to donate the cash to a local domestic violence shelter in the area we would be visiting on the way back home since there were some women who had run away from their abusive husbands and did not bring along any cash with them when they left home. In addition, Lucien would write the shelter a generous check as another charitable donation. He wanted to start career skills workshops to train women for work so they can find stable jobs and make money to support themselves and their children.

I told him that I haven’t heard of this domestic violence shelter before and I would like to see it for myself. Lucien said, “It’s good that you haven’t let your journalist’s investigative instincts and curiosity become dulled. It is best to see the truth for yourself after all. I don’t expect you to believe my words so easily without hard evidence. It was supposed to be a surprise. I set up a new charity for domestic violence shelters for you to help me oversee these new projects. I would also like create new youth outreach after school programs for sports, arts, and music and open new homeless shelters, food banks, and soup kitchens too.”

We continued to work together for his many charities and eventually got married half a year later. It was a fulfilling life in which we were able to give back so much to our communities and support each other in doing what we were most passionate about. I didn’t expect that investigating Pastor Lucien would lead me this far down this path in which I live to dedicate myself to a higher purpose for the greater good of humanity and embrace a simpler, but more satisfying life in a small town.

[our-deamon2-blr]

Chapter 100: FAITH HEALERS

I still had my faith and I would give myself over to God, just to heal me. I wondered who was leading me in this life, Satan or God. The obvious answer was Satan. Since my diagnosis, I would ask myself over and over whether I have trusted God enough to heal me. After years when my prayers were not answered by God, I stopped asking and slowly starting to lose faith. My friend, who was religious, quoted these words to me. “God allows the path to be difficult because He intends on refining us and preparing us for our place of promise” What did that mean? He is playing around with me until he decides it is time to heal me? I held onto my faith but how could I trust GOD after what he did to my life. All my dreams were starting to shatter.

Adjusting to life with a disability is never easy, I didn’t want to be a victim that was caught in a body I had no control over. I wanted to be an active mom with my children. Although I was still physically able to walk, I could not run with my children that were one of the activities that a mom needed to be a “whole” mom. All I wanted out of life was to be normal again. Be the person I used to be, with faith and a zest for life. I was young and slowly killing myself emotionally. I was caught in a place I did not want to be. I did not belong there. I was young, and my life felt like it was stuck in this small space and being held down. Most of the time I had a positive attitude and my disability was placed far away to interfere with my life. I slowly adjusted my life to having a disability. I could not really complain. All I could not do is run; walk fast, stand-up in a weird way and sometimes when needed walk with a crutch. There were much worse conditions than mine.

Living in a small town, there was always information spreading around that could not be missed. One event that caught my eye that was of a church assembly organized by the church and a faith “healer” would be present. I have to admit that I saw hope, not that there was a faith healer/ Prophet but the fact that this happened so close by me losing my faith. I felt like it was a sign. I had nothing to lose. Maybe there was a small sign of hope for me.

Clyde would not accompany me as he took care of Jade. I got dressed in jeans and a blouse, grabbed my cane and hoped for the best. As I approach the church there was a huge tent set-up for the sermon. There were cars surrounding the tent as well as car guards directing cars to parking spaces. I was so nervous, my heart was beating that my body was giving me a "fight or flight” response. My adrenaline made my heartbeat at such a rate I have to inhale oxygen just to breathe. I grabbed my crutch and again I to convince myself that it would be ok and that I should not have any expectations.

As I entered that were people seated all over the tent. I noticed blind people, deaf people, people in wheelchairs, people on crutches, and people with a multitude of disabilities just from the onset.

There were a few people lined in the front that I assumed were requested healing. I could not see properly but I didn’t want to be in the front view and sat at the back of the tent. I secluded myself not to be noticed until I was ready. In the centre of the tents was a small stage or podium with surrounding floodlights but not that bright to see properly.

Suddenly there was a roar in the crowd and this well-dressed man entered the tent and was introduced as Nemha. (I will always remember this name due to my experience) and was given a microphone. He stepped onto a podium and presented himself as a man of God whom anyone might approach for deliverance, salvation, and miracles. He was joined on stage by a few men that looked like his bodyguards, also dress in suits. He started his sermon with an introduction as he was saved and his past and just about his upbringing and how he started having faith to this point where he was today. The sermon started out normal and then all of a sudden he started speaking louder and louder up to a point that he was shouting. It was like watching a movie, but this was just live. Everyone started yelling, “Amen, Hallelujah”, and “Praise God.” He continued preaching that the devil used some people and the devil brought them to their church to destroy the Demon in them.

All of a sudden he started speaking in tongue, walking back and forth. Some people in the front were bending down, so he could cast their demon out of them. I stood up to see what he was doing. He started putting his hands on these people, still speaking in tongue. He also did the ‘slaying of the spirit’ demonstration. His helpers would pick up a “disabled body” to be saved. He stood before him and two huge ‘catchers’ stood at his sides. He placed one hand at the small of his back, pressed the other to his forehead and easily pushed the man over. It seemed that this man decided to resist, and though Nemha pushed him hard three times. The man remained firmly standing. He then pushed the guy so hard and the helpers pushed him down to show he was being healed. Was this the demon resisting, fighting to be present and not give in?

I had seen these healings on TV documentaries and had heard much debate about whether someone should fall forward or backward when the Holy Spirit touched them, in a "slaying of the spirit" The audience started shouting so loud it became annoying. The louder the audience got, the louder Nemha spoke into his microphone until he started shouting to raise his voice over the audience chanting.

There was a section of the room that was set aside for people in wheelchairs. A contribution plate was held out for them to pay for the chance to be healed. He started the healing ceremony, encouraging people to stand up from their wheelchairs and so on. The prophets “bodyguards” were going around, pushing wheelchairs towards the prophet, trying to get people to stand up and walk. Mostly, the people would try but then sit right back down in disappointment, a few were crying.  He took his bible slapping the Jesus into a woman, well it didn’t work. He would then announce their failure and blame the people for a ‘lack of faith’ when it became clear that the healing would not work. A woman walked up to the 'prophet' and claimed to be healed. It appeared as if it was staged. The healing could be legit but it seemed very suspicious. He then began waving his magic finger at people, and they were falling down, supposedly slain in the spirit. One of the evil spirits was cast out and those set free by the Prophet writhed in the dirt while vomiting out the demons. One of these rituals I saw was a strong demonic presence over this man. His head was contorting and looked to me like it would almost twist, as well as his jaw, face and hands contorting; it seemed every muscle was at an extreme strain in his body.

He was jerking and twitching severely. Nemha wasted no time responding. He rushed over to this man; put his hand on his chest and forehead, starting to binding demonic powers and commanding his body to be released in Jesus’ name. I didn’t believe what I was seeing. Was it real or not? Weeks later confirmed that this man had suffered an epileptic seizure which often can display similar signs of someone being “possessed” being held by a “demon”, and then when the epileptic seizure passes, he would be “healed”.

He prayed for every person in the line and declared them all healed. He claimed that he could also transfer power to an ordinary person and that the person would be able to perform healing. During healing hours, he would touch any person in the congregation and tell that person to come forward and be healed. I sat at the back, out of sight, and did not even think of standing in line to be healed. Ironically, I wanted this to be real. I was hoping it would work for me.

I asked God, whilst I was sitting there, to please remove this demon from my body so that I could become normal again. I used to think that it was all bullshit, but here I was, sitting with a small bit of faith, clutching and holding on to hope. I am a fairly intelligent and alert person, and I kept my eyes, and ears open to everything that was going on. I am not somebody that can have the wool pulled over my eyes easily.

I thought it was a joke and got up to leave. It was extremely noticeable that I had a problem standing and somehow, one of his helpers saw me and guided me to faith healer/ Prophet to where I was standing. I clearly walk with a limp and using a cane. He sat me down, said something and touched my head, and pushed it backward. I thought: “What the …? F...k off, do not touch my face.” He was shouting over the microphone that he saw me healed, and announced that my leg had started growing longer. “What the hell are you talking about?” I asked him.

He ignored my question and again, touched my head and said: “You are now healed.” Then this person came with a plate so that I could reward the Prophet for his connection with God. I looked at this person, got up and shouted: “You are a fu...ing fake. You are not a healer; my one leg is not shorter than the other.” He turned his back on me and started 'healing' other people. His helper held out a plate for a contribution. I smacked the plate out of the man's hand that the change went flying and stormed out. The Prophet asked for a weekly donation that would be the same as having healthcare. Good people will go down in financial flames for trusting those con men and thieves. It also came to view that the congregants would write their fears and problems down on a prayer card "for God" before each meeting. The prophet would read them in secret, and then repeat their prayers back to them word for word while he laid hands on them. I wondered if he was a psychic before this was revealed.

That day, my faith in god disappeared. There is no god. I had been taken for a fool, believing in a god who does not exist and people should open their eyes. The song with the words: “I think that god has a sick sense of humour,” (Depeche Mode - "Blasphemous Rumours") were the exact thoughts I had at that point.

I had just experienced the rejection of a god that could tear you apart from the inside and leave your life in what seems to be an unending torture. It was a complete collapse of my entire belief system. It was like learning the truth about Santa Claus. It seemed obvious that god was completely fabricated. I came to the starkest of conclusions … god did not actually exist. I got into the car and banged my fists against the steering wheel.

Shouting at the demon to get the f...k out of my body. I punched my legs so hard that I cried out in pain. I needed to vent so badly but only tears came out. I blamed myself that I had taken this path and had made choices that I had believed to be my own. I cried out in anger and disgust at the extent of the deception, and it caused a deep-seated headache.

“You did this to me,” I cried in anger. “Get out of my body now!” I had a battle with this demon in my body; I sat there for what felt like hours. My eyes were swollen so badly from the tears. I was shaking and I had to drive home. I looked at my watch and it was just past 22h00. I tried my best to pull myself together because I did not want Clyde to see me like this. I could not face him and hear him say anything negative right then. I did not have the strength to talk, and I did not want to argue either.

I got home and composed myself. Clyde was sitting in the lounge. “You were gone for a while,” he said. “How was it?” not sounding as if he really cared. “The guy is a total fake and ridiculous,” I replied with the anger still inside me. “I’m tired. I’m going to take a bath and go to bed.” I walked to the bathroom and let the bathwater run, calming myself. I heard him switching off the TV, opened the bathroom door slightly asking me if I am ok because he is off to bed. “I’m fine, I will be done soon” I try to speak these words without anger. To sound cam

I bathed longer than usual, waiting for him to be asleep when I got out. I went to Jade’s room, and he was sleeping soundly. “Sorry I failed” I whispered to him. By the time I got to the bedroom, Clyde was already fast asleep in bed. Although I was with my husband, I felt very isolated and extremely alone. I turned my face towards the pillow and softly cried myself to sleep that night. I buried myself into the pillow so my sobs will not wake Clyde. I wanted to take his arm and wrap it around me. I needed comfort but could not ask for it.

I kept this experience/nightmare/secret buried for years and never mentioned it to anyone or indicated how it affected my life.

[queenofcats17]

The Acolytes

@startistdoodles did a new picture where Mary Jane is a Lost One instead of Wanderer, and mentioned that MJ would probably be Sammy’s little prophet in training. And since I have a character who’s an avid devotee of Sammy, I thought I’d write something. 

A post has also been made about Lost One MJ

Featuring, briefly, @pipesflowforeverandever ‘s Gingie and @aceofintuition ‘s Snowy.

Sammy had two people in his congregation that he trusted above all else.

The first was Cordelia Bell, a recent addition to their fold. She had been given the role of Sammy’s definitive acolyte due to her connection to him. Apparently, when the studio had still been running, she’d been Sammy’s assistant. She’d just arrived with Sammy one day. He’d announced that his acolyte had returned and that she would help them in their quest of spreading the word of their Lord. Cordelia followed Sammy with a sycophantic devotion, like a little lamb being led by its shepherd. His word was gospel to her. She would do whatever he asked.  Some of the Lost Ones liked to joke that Cordelia was sweet on their prophet. 

The other was Mary Jane Drew. Although she was the daughter of the man who’d put them in this position, none of them held any malice against her. Joey had killed her, same as the rest of them. She was a Lost One too. Sammy had taken her under his wing upon finding her and was trying to train her to become a prophet as well. She was considerably more coherent than many of the Lost Ones and Searchers, as well as having a slightly unique appearance. She was one of the most devoted of the bunch, a little prophet in training. But there was one area that she was a bit lacking in. 

That of sacrifices. 

Mary Jane wasn’t at all comfortable with sacrificing living creatures. She tried to sacrifice living targets, but she just couldn’t do it. Something about it just didn’t sit right with her. So, if there was a sacrifice Sammy needed to be made, he sent Cordelia to do it. 

“Do you think my devotion is strong enough?” Mary Jane asked one day. She and Cordelia were setting up cutouts near the Angel’s domain. Sammy liked doing that, especially given how angry it made the Angel.

“Why do you ask?” Cordelia glanced back at her. 

“No reason in particular.” Mary Jane set the cutout up against a wall, staring into the smiling visage of the Dancing Demon. 

“You’re special.” Cordelia walked up behind her, placing her ‘hands’ on Mary Jane’s shoulders. “Sammy said so. And Sammy’s never wrong.”

“Yes, of course.” Mary Jane nodded. 

“Besides, you give the others hope.” Cordelia continued. “When they hear you and Sammy speak, they’re saved! Their eyes are opened to the will of our Lord!” She was just regurgitating what she’d heard from Sammy before, and they both knew it. But her words still comforted Mary Jane.

“He did say there’s hope for me.” Mary Jane allowed herself a small smile.

“Of course there is!” Cordelia said brightly. “You have been blessed!” Cordelia was a little strange sometimes, but she never failed to brighten Mary Jane’s spirits. 

Like a court jester.

“We should be getting back now.” Mary Jane said, turning away from the cutout. “The Prophet has to be waiting for us.”

“Oh, yes! Of course.” Cordelia made a motion of hitting her head with her hand. “It completely slipped my mind! Silly me!” Mary Jane sighed and shook her head. Together, the two of them headed back to the safe room. Sometimes they stayed in the Lost One village, but Sammy moved around quite a bit and they tended to move with him.

Sammy was leading a sermon when they arrived. His voice swelled, filling the room up to the rafters as he spoke. 

“You’ve all heard him above us! Crawling! Crawling!” Sammy raised his hands. “He will save us! He will set us free! Through our devotion, he will free us from these inky shells!”

“He’s really something, isn’t he?” Cordelia said, clasping her hands together. 

“Yes, yes he is.” Mary Jane nodded. She’d been so lost when she’d woken up in this place. Her memories and feelings had been jumbled, but she’d known she was scared. She’d known someone had done something terrible to her. Then Sammy had found her. He had found her and he had given her hope. He’d given her a purpose, something to believe in. 

“How did it go?” Sammy walked up to them once he’d finished his sermon. “I hope the Angel didn’t give you much trouble.”

“There was no trouble, my prophet.” Mary Jane said. 

“There was the usual cursing and vowing to cut out our hearts, but nothing more than that.” Cordelia beamed at him.

“Well, I am glad that neither of you had your hearts cut out.” Sammy patted their heads. “I shudder to think of what I would do without the both of you.”

“You’re too kind, my prophet.” Mary Jane bowed her head, secretly beaming at the praise.

“Is there anything else you need done?” Cordelia asked. Sammy’s expression immediately darkened, causing both girls to stand up straighter. 

“We have an intruder.” He said. “They’re walking about the Music Department. I think they will make an excellent sacrifice for our Lord.”

“Would you like me to take care of it?” Cordelia immediately asked. 

“Yes,” Sammy said, and she started to leave before Sammy stopped her. “But I don’t believe you should do this alone.”

“Should I go with her?” Mary Jane asked tentatively. The idea of having to perform a sacrifice still bothered her. But if it would please their Lord, then she would try. She would always try. 

“That would be best, yes.” Sammy nodded. “Something tells me that this one might be...troublesome. I would go myself, but something else has come up that requires my attention.” 

“The stranger in the top hat?” Mary Jane and Cordelia asked together. There was a strange man in a cream suit and top hat who appeared occasionally. He seemed to know Mary Jane, as he always called out for her when he arrived. Her or someone called Wanderer. Something about him felt familiar to Mary Jane, but she stayed away from him. His presence upset their Lord.

“Not this time, thankfully.” He said. “I just need to get rid of some pests.” Occasionally, the Butcher Gang clones would start congregating in certain areas, prompting the need to clear them out.

“It must be really bad this time if you’re doing it yourself,” Cordelia said, clicking her tongue. 

“Yes and no.” Sammy shrugged slightly, grabbing his ax. “They will provide ample sacrifices for our Lord if the intruder gets away.”

“Of course.” Mary Jane bowed her head. She felt shamed tugging at her heart. Did he think she couldn’t do it? Did he think she would fail?

“I have the utmost faith in you both.” Sammy nodded curtly before disappearing into a puddle. Cordelia and Mary Jane began to leave but were stopped by one of the Lost Ones. 

“I-I’m sorry to bother you, my prophet.” The Lost One said quietly. “I just...My friend is having a crisis of faith. I thought, well, maybe you could talk to her.”

“Of course.” Mary Jane nodded. 

“Thank you.” The Lost One bobbed their head, gently leading Mary Jane to their friend. Mary Jane liked being a part of Sammy’s religion. It gave her purpose. The others depended on her. 

“She’s here.” The first Lost One paused in front another who was crying in a corner. 

“Why are you crying?” Mary Jane asked, kneeling beside them. The Lost One didn’t look up, just kept crying. 

“It doesn’t matter. None of it does!” They sobbed in the voice of a young woman. “This religion doesn’t mean anything!”

“Of course it means something.” Mary Jane said. “Our Lord will set us free. We just have to be patient.” The Lost One looked up at her, swatting her hand away when she tried to touch their shoulder. 

“Don’t you get it?” They snapped, stumbling to their feet. “Bendy’s never going to save us! All of this.” They gestured around the safe room. “None of it means anything! We’re just trying to distract ourselves from the reality that we’re trapped here! We’re never going to be able to be human again!”

“Leslie-” The Lost One who’d brought Mary Jane over tried to calm their friend, but Leslie just pushed them away. 

“He’s brainwashed all of you into thinking that we can fix this!” They continued to scream and shout, drawing the attention of everyone in the room. “We keep killing people to satisfy something that doesn’t even care! Last week Ralph wandered out and it destroyed him!” 

One of their flock had ventured out into the halls to retrieve a possession from his human life and he hadn’t come back. Mary Jane remembered that another Lost One had been with him. Evidently, it had been this one.

“Leslie, accidents happen.” The first Lost One tried again to calm their friend. “We don’t even know if it was our Lord.”

“I FUCKING SAW IT!” Leslie shrieked. “I SAW THAT BASTARD WALK OUT OF A WALL AND MELT RALPH LIKE A FUCKING POPSICLE!”

“Then Ralph ran afoul of our Lord.” Mary Jane said calmly, hands folded demurely in her lap. “Everything he does have a purpose. If your friend was returned to the puddles, it was because he did something wrong.” Leslie stared at Mary Jane for a moment, rage burning in their eyes. 

“He wanted to get the picture of his daughter he kept on his desk.” They finally spoke, voice cold. “He missed her. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“We have to have faith if we wish to return to our families.” Mary Jane remained calm. “We must be careful of our actions. If our Lord punished him, it was for a reason.”

“There isn’t a reason! There’s never a reason!” Leslie stomped their feet. 

“There’s always a reason.” Mary Jane’s reply was firmer this time. She was quickly losing her patience with this Lost One. Behind her, Cordelia's grin had widened to consume most of her face. It looked like Bendy’s smile.

“Would you like me to take care of her, my prophet?” She asked, leaning toward the offending Lost One. She was dripping onto the floor, her proportions becoming distorted and horrifying. Mary Jane flinched a little.

“No, it’s alright.” She shook her head. She didn’t like resorting to violence when she didn’t have to.

“I’m so sorry.” The first Lost One murmured, wringing their hands beside Mary Jane. “I don’t understand why she’s acting like this.” The other Lost Ones were started to gather around now, stunned and horrified by Leslie’s words.

“What do they think they’re doing?”

“They’re lucky Sammy isn’t here. He’d set them straight.”

“I’m sure they just need to get this out of their system. It’ll be fine! I’m sure it’ll be fine!”

“They were making so much progress...It’s a shame they’ll be sent back.”

“I’m right. You know I’m right.” Leslie said, glaring down at Mary Jane.

“So?” 

This simple answer stunned Leslie, and they took a step back. They had expected the prophet in training to get angry, to yell. But instead, she did nothing.

“E-Excuse me?”

“So what?” Mary Jane stood up. “What happens if you are right? What do we do then? Sink into despair? Suffer here alone?”

“We need to face reality.” Leslie insisted, but their voice was weaker now. Mary Jane’s gaze was cold and detached, almost robotic. 

“And how will ‘facing reality’ help us?” Mary Jane asked, sardonically using finger quotes. “What use is it to follow your lead? What right do you have to take hope away from all these people?” She gestured behind in a wide sweeping gesture.

“I...” Leslie took an instinctive step back.

“Well?” Mary Jane’s singular visible eye bored into Leslie’s. Leslie flinched back, whimpering at the expression in the younger Lost One’s eye.

“That’s what I thought.” Mary Jane turned away, nodding her head to Cordelia. “Let’s go deal with the intruder.” 

“Of course!” Cordelia glanced back at Leslie, her Bendy-esque smile beginning to fade into a more normal one. The two of them slipped out of the safe room and into a puddle, heading for the music department.

“I suppose Sammy will send them back to the puddles later.” Cordelia hummed as she and Mary Jane traveled. “Even if we don’t tell him about this, the others will.”

“It’s sad, but they need to learn.” Mary Jane sighed. “That sort of attitude is unnecessary.” The Lost Ones needed hope. She needed hope.

“I’m glad you and Sammy are here.” Mary Jane looked over, surprised by how soft Cordelia’s voice suddenly was. They had exited the puddles in the band room, right outside Sammy’s sanctuary. In the dim light, Cordelia almost looked human. She stood up taller, her form much less goopy. She had a soft smile on her face. 

“I’m glad I can help.” Mary Jane nodded, moving past her. When she looked back, Cordelia had returned to her normal Searcher-like form. As they approached the door leading out into the music department, they could hear two men bickering.

“I’m telling you, Snowy, something doesn’t feel right.” Mary Jane recognized this voice as the one belonging to the man with the top hat. “I haven’t seen hide nor hair of her.”

“Maybe you messed up and stumbled into some universe where she’s not here.” Another man said. Mary Jane didn’t recognize this voice. It sounded similar to that of her father’s, which instinctively made her hunch her shoulders. 

“Just because you can’t find her doesn’t mean she’s here, Gingersnap.” The new stranger continued. 

“She’s here.” The top hat man insisted. “Sammy, this universe’s Sammy, told me to stay away from her. He called her his little lamb.” There was a beat of silence before the stranger sighed heavily.

“Alright, fine. Maybe she’s here. What do you want to do about it?”

“I...don’t know.” The top hat man admitted. “But if a version of her is trapped here, then I want to save her.”

“And if she doesn’t want to be saved?”

“What are you saying?” The top hat man sounded taken aback, almost horrified. 

“I don’t know.” The stranger sighed again. “But you know what Prophet Sammy is like. If she’s close to him then...She might not be in her right mind.” 

“Nonsense.” The top hat man scoffed, although Mary Jane could hear a quiver in his voice.

“I’m just saying.” The stranger said. “You better be prepared.”

“Why are you hesitating?” Cordelia asked quietly. 

“I wanted to hear what they had to say.” Mary Jane whispered back. She didn’t know why these men knew her. They shouldn’t know her. She didn’t recognize their voices, nor the top hat man’s face. She had never met these men before. So why did they talk as though they knew her? Taking a deep breath, she opened the door and exited into the main hall of the Music Department. 

Standing there were two men. One was the small man with the top hat. He was dressed in a white suit, as usual. The other man was tall, with dark skin and snow white hair. He was dressed smartly in a dress shirt, dress pants, and a vest. Both men turned upon hearing her walk up. The man with the top hat looked distraught when he laid eyes on her. The tall man just looked resigned. 

“Mary Jane, my darling girl.” The man in the top hat almost wailed. “What happened to you?”

“My father happened to me.” Mary Jane replied, Cordelia at her back. “Who are you and what do you want?”

“You don’t...recognize me?” The top hat man took a step back, his eyes wide. Mary Jane could see tears glittering in those brown eyes. 

“I recognize you, yes, but that doesn’t mean I know you.” Mary Jane said. “You’ve come here before, always asking for me. Why?” The top hat man was at a loss for words, simply staring at her. She supposed he was in shock. Obviously, she didn’t fit whatever 

“So, are you Sammy’s disciple or something?” The tall man asked. “Gingersnap here says every time he’s showed up, Sammy’s told him to stay away from you.”

“He’s teaching me how to be a prophet like him.” Mary Jane tensed a bit at the mention of her mentor. “Someone has to help give the others hope.” 

The tall man nodded, gaze shifting to Cordelia. “And who’s your friend?”

“I am but a simple acolyte,” Cordelia replied, her smile stretching to become the Bendy one. “Nothing more, nothing less.” The tall man’s nose scrunched in what might have been disgust. 

“Oookay.” He said slowly, looking back at Mary Jane. “I’m guessing you’re not really in the mood to be saved, are you?”

“It’s rather arrogant of you to assume you could save me.” Mary Jane narrowed her eye. “Only our Lord can save us from this inky Hell.” 

“How did this happen?” The top hat man whispered, beginning to pass his cane from hand to hand.

“I told you, my father happened.” Mary Jane snapped. Her patience with these men was growing thin. 

“She was so sweet before. So innocent.” The top hat man wrung his hands on the cane. 

“Gingersnap, I think you should stop.” The tall man’s voice held a sense of urgency. Mary Jane was quickly starting to lose her temper, and behind her Cordelia’s form was growing increasingly terrifying and goopy.

“Well, I’m sorry I’m not what you think you remember!” Mary Jane snarled. “But I’ve been stuck in this hellhole for years! You have no right to judge me!” 

Before she could say anything else, Cordelia launched herself over the girl’s shoulder and at the two men. The tall men scooped the top hat man off, just barely managing to get him away from the deranged acolyte. The top hat man still seemed to be bemoaning Mary Jane’s change, barely noticing as the tall man took off with him. Cordelia didn’t give chase. She knew, somehow, she wouldn’t catch these men. So she turned her attention back to Mary Jane. 

“Are you alright, my prophet?” She asked, pulling her form together so that she could cup stand tall and cup Mary Jane’s face in her hands. The younger girl had begun to cry, trying to wipe her inky tears away.

“I’m fine.” Mary Jane hiccuped. What right did those men have to judge her? It wasn’t as though she wanted to be this way. She wanted more than anything to go back to being human, to go back to the person she had once been.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Cordelia clicked her tongue, pulling Mary Jane to her chest. “It’s going to be alright. You and Sammy will lead us to salvation. Our Lord will set us free.” Mary Jane closed her eyes, trying to calm herself. Bendy would set them free. He would set them all free.

[kileyking1985-blog]

I Wanna Be Different

Sometimes we find ourselves in the midst of storms; storms we just don’t seem to understand in our lives.  In the midst of all the storms, we often lift prayers up to Jesus and ask him to change those things, to stop those things, to prevent those things from happening.  I found myself doing exactly this; asking Jesus to just change and stop the things that were hurting me and tearing my life apart. When those things didn’t change, I found myself with a hardened heart and very angry with the Lord. Recently, I have realized that I was praying the wrong prayers.  I shouldn’t have been asking Jesus to change the things, I needed to be praying to God that he changed me so I could handle the storms, the things He wanted me to walk through.

Life has dealt me quite the hand these last few years.  I went through heart surgery, lost my biological father in an very tragic and emotional way for me, separation, finding myself and my son without a home of our own and very little money, still loving my husband and trying my best to salvage such a miserable marriage and finally just giving up, then the divorce-one of which I wasn’t ready for and felt extreme guilt because I couldn’t find an answer in the Bible for why the divorce was okay; I lost relationships with my step-children that I raised, I felt myself wondering if I was being the best mother I could be for my own small son, my career even took a beating for a short time, I felt lost and I certainly was. I always heard the saying, “Hurt people, hurt people” and that was something I had become a pro at. I also had this internal battle with the Lord. I was mad, angry, hurt; I had become a person even I didn’t recognize anymore. I tried many times to go back to church and find the healing I needed.  I of all people knew that healing was not something I would find on my own.  I knew I needed God to help me; but I was so brutally hurt and angry. I was upset with God for promising me so many wonderful things in this life, giving them to me, and taking them away. I felt like He had tricked me and let me fall.  In the midst of all my most recent storms, God would knock on my heart, but I wasn’t letting him in. I didn’t want any part of his false promises. As I write this, my heart breaks even thinking that I felt that way even for a short time. See I was raised Christian and was saved many years ago and I knew the truth; I was just in denial and shut God out. 

Two weeks ago, I found myself home alone with some time to really just relax for the first time in a long time. I turned on the t.v. because for at least that night, all I wanted to do was “Netflix” and chill. I don’t know how or why, but I came across a movie called Christian Mingle.  It was a story about a woman looking for love in all the wrong places.  She was dating all the wrong people and none of them represented anything her heart truly longed for. I could relate so well to that movie because I had been there and done that, especially recently. Once I was done watching the movie, I realized it was a message God was sending to me. You will find “the one” when you find Him (the Lord) first. It meant even more than that to me though.  I haven’t really desired to be in a true relationship with a man for a while now, but I was missing my relationship with Him (the Lord). I went to bed that night with that movie and Him on my mind.

The next day I had intentions of doing what any normal single Mom does on a Saturday; the dishes were piled up, the laundry overflowed, my toilets needed cleaning, I could almost see the dirt on the floors of my kitchen that needed to be swept, toys were flung from one end of the house to the other, but this Mom needed a break. Something in my heart said, “Slow down Mamma and go get yourself a mani-pedi.” Needless to say it didn’t take much convincing because an hour later I was basking in the aroma of fresh acetone with my feet in a piping hot bowl of water, enjoying the automatic massage chair at a nail salon I had never been to before. If you are a woman reading this, you know when you find a good nail tech, you don’t stray; but for some reason that day I did. After my pedicure was complete, I sat down to get my manicure. The woman sitting beside me sparked up a conversation about how she just got home from New York City because her father had been sick and almost lost his life. She was telling me how truly exhausted she was but how she couldn’t wait to return to her church the next day.  I must admit, I was thinking, “Well if I was that tired I wouldn’t worry about church, I would just sleep in.” But as our conversation continued, and she told me more about her personal story, I knew exactly why I was at that particular nail salon, on that particular day, at that particular time. God was again trying to speak to me. I was getting a little annoyed at how many times He was knocking on my heart that weekend but I was remarkably intrigued by this woman’s faith. When I was finished and was leaving the salon, this woman gave me a card with an invitation to attend her church. I mean I have had my own church that I had attended for years and loved, but the last five times I tried to attend I felt nothing during the sermons; my heart had been so closed I felt numb. I smiled and thanked her, and left the salon. As I walked next door to pick up the sushi I had ordered for dinner, I literally stopped and looked up and said this, “God I hear you. I get what you are trying to do. I will go to this church tomorrow, but you better make it good.” 

As I entered the church on Sunday morning, I walked in feeling like I was about to waste an hour of my life because I hadn’t felt God touch my heart in a long time. I have never been more wrong in my entire life.  The Pastor’s message was about Jesus healing a man with a withered hand. Jesus had called the man to come to him so he could heal his hand. Jesus called the man to open his hand and use it. This man could have doubted God, but he obeyed and the man was healed. I learned so many things that day during the service. I learned that as long as your are trying to conceal it, God is not going to heal it. You can do anything if you have the WILL to do it and you give it to God. I also learned that anger is actually biblical, and feeling anger is okay. What is not biblical is acting on that anger. The Lord certainly knows my own personal struggles with that one. Proverbs 28:14 says, “Happy is the man that fears the Lord, but he with a hardened heart, shall fall into mischief.” I had found myself not fearing the Lord anymore, but instead being completely angry with Him. See people who are aware of their disabilities are the ones who truly feel the real power of God. Disabilities come in many forms; drugs, alcohol, adultery, stealing, lying, physical or mental disabilities, sexual addiction, pornography, etc. Whatever we struggle with and keeps us from having a personal relationship with God, that is a disability. When we confess our disabilities to God, and invite God into our hearts for the healing, the disability loses its power over us. 

That church service and the message that was brought unraveled my skin. Until that morning I hadn’t went to the alter to pray in almost 5 years. I will be the first to admit that I was probably one of the biggest hypocrites you had ever met. I would pray and teach my young son about God, I would even attend church sometimes, but I myself wasn’t truly letting the Lord in. I knew God, I believed in Him and his power, but I was so upset with Him. The Pastor gave a call for people to come to the alter to pray if needed and I literally had no control over my own two legs getting up and walking to that alter in front of all these people I didn’t even know. The only way to explain that experience was me feeling like I saw a long lost loved one and I couldn’t run to them fast enough. I got to the alter and tears poured. I could feel the Lord’s presence in my heart for the first time in years and I knew He was with me. He was calling me to come to that alter, and His arms were open so wide. Chills ran down my body as I prayed and let it all go. Someone must have known the pain I was setting free because they came and laid a white cloak on me and prayed with me. It was a very heavy burden I set free to say the least. I apologize to whoever was in that service because the Pastor didn’t dismiss the congregation until I was done praying, and heaven knows I had a lot to pray for. I asked God for many things that day but the most important thing was asking him to forgive me for being angry with Him and shutting him out. I asked him to please come back into my life and for me to feel his presence more than I have ever felt in my life. I am not a crier by any means, but every single day since that day I can’t seem to stop the tears when I hear a certain Christian song or someone tells me their own personal story. The world also looks so different to me; it looks like a beautiful place to live and I see the good in everything. I got up from that alter a different woman, a happy woman, a woman who once again had a purpose. I also rose from that alter with a desire to grow my relationship with the Lord, and put my relationship with a man on hold until God puts the right one in my life and my faith is strong enough to be a good wife to a man.  

See people don’t come to know the Lord when they are trial and tribulation free. They come to know the Lord when they have hit rock bottom and allow their heart to feel His presence.  The moment someone comes to God and professes, “God, if you are real I am telling you I can’t do this alone. I need you God and I need you right now.” I don’t know why God called me so strongly that weekend, but I am so thankful He did; I am even more thankful that I was obedient. I never want to get back to the place I was without the Lord. It was a lonely, empty place where I didn’t even recognize myself. The Lord knew the perfect message that needed to be preached for my heart to let Him back in, and I heard Him loud and clear. I am not a perfect Christian, I sin just like you do (yes you the person reading this message), but I know I am a child of God and I have began a new journey to grow my relationship with Him. 

For the person reading this, know that the Lord is real and He loves you. He wants and desires a relationship with you. In order to feel His presence, you must let those walls down, drop the pride, and just start by praying. He will lead you but you must allow Him to do so. Figure out what your “disability” is, and give it to God. Give it all to Him, and be healed. You will never have a life better than the one you will have with God part of it. And remember, when you pray ask God to change YOU to be strong enough to handle the things He asks you to walk through. “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” I promise. 

[itsyourchoicedevotionals]

Trophy Room

“John answered, “Master, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he does not follow with us.” But Jesus said to him, “Do not stop him; for whoever is not against you is for you.” Lu 9:49-50NRSV

One of the things I don’t like, about writing devotionals, is putting down my name as author. So much of the devotionals come to me from Holy Spirit through the direct line I cherish having with Him. He inspires me with ideas, thoughts, scriptures. Knowing He caused everything, how can I not give Him the glory for it all.

I had a mentor for many years, now passed on to heaven. Whenever I’d say, ‘this came from the Lord, John would tell me— ‘Debbie it wasn’t that good. You have to acknowledge, it’s your work inspired by God.’

For years, I wouldn’t even testify, because I was convinced those testimonies made me look like I was trying to be a big shot. John told me— ‘Debbie, God did those things, not you. Just tell what God did and leave yourself out of the equation. Besides, it’s written, “…They have conquered him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony…” Rev 12:11ESV.

In a time, where preachers are selling their prayers on television, hawking their books and wares, and preaching sermons where no one needs a Savior for forgiveness of sins,— I have to ask myself—Whose trophy room is everyone, myself included, trying to fill? Man’s or Jesus’s? After all, Jesus came to seek and save the lost.

Jesus worked miracles, healed, restored, fed multitudes, provided and loved the masses. Many will tell you: ***Jesus doesn’t do miracles today. ***Signs and wonders died with the apostles. ***He doesn’t need to prove Who He is any longer. ***We just need to believe that He did once and it’s good enough.  After saying those things, they invite people to their church, or group, I’ve got to ask— Whose trophy room are people trying to fill? Theirs or Jesus’s? I can’t conceive everyone’s all about lifting up the name of Jesus, unless He’s exalted.

Casting Crowns new song says it all— Make it count, leave a mark, build a name for yourself Dream your dreams, chase your heart, above all else Make a name the world remembers But all an empty world can sell is empty dreams I got lost in the light when it was up to me To make a name the world remembers But Jesus is the only name to remember And I, I don’t want to leave a legacy I don’t care if they remember me Only Jesus And I, I’ve only got one life to live I’ll let every second point to Him Only Jesus All the kingdoms built, all the trophies won Will crumble into dust when it’s said and done 'Cause all that really mattered Did I live the truth to the ones I love? Was my life the proof that there is only One Whose name will last forever? And I, I don’t want to leave a legacy

Are you working for Jesus or against Him? It’s your choice. You choose.

PRAYER: Papa God, Help me to lift Jesus higher. Let us quit acting out of personal emotions and precepts and bring You before man as You are, in Jesus’s name I pray.

by Debbie Veilleux Copyright 2019 You have my permission to reblog this devotional for others. Please keep my name with this devotional as author. Thank you.

[softupshur]

The Lord Rejoices: Chapter 1

Next>

Ao3 Link if you’re into that kind of thing

This work is a sequel, so if you haven’t read the original you may want to check out.

~Updates every Sunday~ During Temple Gate's founding years, Marta nears womanhood and wonders of God's plan for her.

*Warning that while this particular chapter is harmless, this story will go into game typical content involving young characters*

Chapter 1:

“For whom was it by that the line of Adam corrupted beyond salvation?”

While other students flipped through their gospels and avoided Mrs. Carson’s eye, Marta’s hand shot up.

“Yes, Marta?”

With her worn and yellowed gospel in hand, Marta stood straight and tall. “It was through Cain’s sin that the line of Adam displeased the Lord. For as Chapter 2, Verse 3 says, he was uncircumcised of heart and stiff-necked,’ corrupting his line by the murder of his brother, Abel. Thus we are descended from such sin and must seek redemption in the Lord’s eyes, as Cain’s wickedness flows through our blood.”

“Very good, Marta. Nonetheless, man continues to believe himself made of an incorruptible gold.” Her gaze returned to the sea of students. “Can anyone tell me what drives man to believe in this lie?”

Marta’s hand rose again, but Mrs. Carson only sighed. “Can we hear from someone other than Marta?”

The students opted to stare at the clock on the wall or pretend to take notes rather than volunteer. She sought the roster for a victim. “Hm...who have we not heard from in a while—ah! Otis, why do you think man continues to believe himself incorruptible?”

Snickers erupted through the class and Mrs. Carson rubbed her temple at Otis, whose head rested on the desk, unresponsive. “Can someone wake Otis?”

As she sat at the desk beside him, Marta reached over to poke his shoulder.

It was enough to make him stir, but he still took his time sitting up. He yawned and rubbed his eyes, evoking laughter from the class.

“What did I miss this time?” he grumbled.

Mrs. Carson pinched the bridge of her nose, taking a deep breath. “What is it that makes man believe himself to be above corruption?”

He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off.

“Stand, please. You know the rules.”

After stretching, Otis stood. “Uh…” While searching for an answer, he caught a glimpse of Marta’s gospel at the furthest corner of her desk. Once he brushed his overgrown hair out of his eyes, he was able to read it.

Marta pointed to the second verse in the second chapter.

“Because of the lies received from the traditions of our fathers?” Otis attempted after scanning the mercifully short verse.

“And why are those lies created?”

“Uh…” Otis looked again to Marta, but Mrs. Carson hadn’t the patience.

“Paige! Do you think you can help Otis?

In the front row, a rosy-cheeked girl stood. “It’s because it is easier to accept a lie than face a harsh truth.”

“That’s correct, and do you know what it is that keeps man in his ignorance?”

“That would be fear.”

“Fear of what?”

Paige hesitated as she looked down at her hands. “The fear that they are not predestined as we are in Temple Gate to receive salvation and His everlasting mercy.”

“That’s right.” She motioned for Paige to sit and reclaimed her lesson. “Outside Temple Gate, man will tell you that God forgives all; that Heaven welcomes everyone, when in truth only the chosen few can be saved. Those few are the faithful ones who are willing to take up the Lord’s battle to earn His love and mercy, rather than lie in complacency and take His power for granted. For those who believe otherwise, there is only the pit.” Her eyes wandered to the ticking clock on the wall and she went to scrawl an objective onto the blackboard. “Now, there will be no regular homework for tonight because tomorrow is a test day. You are to use the time to study Chapter 2 of the prophet’s word. You will be graded on both a written portion and your dictation, so be diligent in your work.”

After giving the students a moment to write their tasks, she bowed her head. “Now let us pray.”

When the class followed her lead, she began. “Our Father who art in Heaven, we thank Thee for the luxury to gather in Your name and learn Your word. Bless all those present among us. Be with them as they journey home, and bless them with Your all-knowing and loving nature. Praise be to the God of Abraham, and of Isaac, and of Knoth, amen.”

“Amen,” the class echoed.

The chiming of the bells broke through the school walls. The pealing was heavy and low, the kind that rattled the bones of any too close. In the silence that followed, students gathered their things and gravitated into groups. Most departed quickly in a flurry of chatter but a few lingered, Otis being one of them, dragging.

“Are you alright?” Marta asked of his sluggishness.

“Hm?” Otis blinked a few times. “Yeah, just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Then you should consider retiring earlier. This is the third time this week you’ve slept through class.”

“Easier said than done. Seth has yet to understand the concept of bedtime.”

“Oh, I see.” Marta’s tone softened. “He really never gets tired?”

“Not that I’ve ever seen.”

“My sincerest apologies.”

“Thanks.” Otis slung his bag over his shoulder. “Hate to say hi and bye, but I got a lot of work waiting for me when I get home.”

“I understand. Good day and God bless.”

Never did Otis return her blessings, but he always offered a wave when they parted. “See ya tomorrow.”

When he left, Paige took his place. “Hi, Marta!”

“Good afternoon. How are you doing today?” Marta attempted a smile, but they were never as warm as Paige’s.

“Great! I was worried I would choke on the question like last week, but I did pretty good if I do say so myself!” Though she was one of the shortest girls in class, she puffed her chest out and stood as tall as she could.

Marta nodded. “Yes, you did very well. Especially with being called on so quickly like that.”

“I really should have seen it coming when she called on Otis.” Paige tsked.

“God help him.” Marta shook her head.

“Speaking of help, do you mind coming down to the farm? Dad is going to be home late, and I have to do a few extra chores when I get home. Would you care to lend me a hand? I could make us something to eat later.”

“I’d love to,” Marta replied.

“Great! Let’s go!” Paige took Marta’s wrist and led her out of the schoolhouse, a skip in her step. She chattered happily about this and that while Marta was content to listen. They went through the schoolyard, Paige meandering past bicycles and toys the younger children abandoned after recess. When they made it through, she let go to trot ahead.

Dark ink smudged Marta’s skin. Some faintly resembled letters. She stopped in her tracks and held up her wrist. “Paige.”

“Hm, yes?” Paige turned around. Her smile vanished when she saw the marks. “Oh.”

“Were you cheating again?”

Paige shrugged and showed the palms of her hands littered with notes and verse numbers. “I think of it more like a study guide.”

“Paige!”

“What? It’s not that I don’t get it. I’m just not as good at memorizing verses and lessons as you.”

“That just means you should study more.”

“More? But I already hear it all the time between sermon, school, and you. I’m bound to memorize it eventually. What’s wrong with having a little guide until I do?”

“Nonetheless, a few recitations wouldn’t hurt, especially with tomorrow’s test. How about we do a few after your chores?”

Though Paige pouted, she conceded with a dragged out, “Fine.”

For the remainder of the walk, they faded into idle chatter. Their destination was one of the smallest homes in Temple Gate: The Larsen Farm, built with only enough room to house Paige and her father. However, their yard was one of the largest, allowing space for dozens of chickens to wander freely. When the chickens saw Paige nearing, they rushed to the gate.

“Hello, lovelies!” Paige threw open the gate and crouched down so she could pet each one and greet them by name. “You should say hello too, Marta! They hadn’t seen you in a while.”

Only three days had passed since Marta saw them. She looked down and said a quiet, “Hello.”

Most of the chickens remained in their huddle around Paige. Only one broke away to peck at Marta’s boot.

Marta took a step back. “I don’t think they like me much.”

“Nonsense! That’s just Henrietta’s way of saying hi!”

Three pecks later and Henrietta returned to the huddle, which parted when Paige stood. They followed her in a noisy flock and Marta trailed behind them. She was careful not to step on any tail feathers until they came to a coop about the size of a large shed.

Inside were rows of nesting boxes. Most of them were empty, but resting hens occupied a few. Hay covered the floor and a full feeder stood in the center. Against one of the walls sat a basket so large that it took both hands to hold. Above it, a clipboard hung from a tack that Paige took. “You mind holding the basket?”

“Not at all.” Marta took the basket and followed Paige as she gathered eggs from each nest. She made a tally on the clipboard after each one. In another column were names of townspeople that Paige marked off as well. The basket was filled to the brim by the time she was through.

“It’s all thanks to our girls working so hard. Isn’t that right?” Paige knelt down to pet a few of the chickens.

They all clucked in agreement.

“Don’t get too excited now,” she said, “We still have some work to do.”

To pass the time between tasks, Marta and Paige exchanged rumors picked up around town. Paige told of the neighbor couple whose cow had twin calves the same day as the wife bore two healthy sons, and a recipe for the best cornbread Paige had been trying to get the older ladies to tell her. They always said “when you’re married,” no matter how much Paige pressed.

Marta, in turn, shared of a feud amongst the deacons of whether resources should be used to expand the chapel or build new homes for the growing population. Without Knoth to guide them, they bickered constantly. Some requested that Marta speak to Knoth on their behalf, but she always told them to pray for guidance. She never stayed to hear the arguments that followed.

“And that should about cover it,” Paige said once the rumors ran dry and the chores through. “Thanks so much for your help. I didn’t think we’d be able to finish so quickly.”

“It’s no trouble at all. I’m glad I could be of service.”

“I say we did enough to deserve some snacks, c’mon!”

They started for the house so small that Marta had to duck her head to pass through the doorway. Inside, the home was cozy. The wooden floors always shone, a hand-knitted afghan draped over the sofa, and Paige’s embroidery projects decorated the walls.

The grey family mouser cat, Thomas, meowed a hello as they entered and rubbed against Paige’s leg. “Whatever he does, don’t listen to him,” she whispered to Marta. “He’ll play nice but he’s not supposed to eat for another two hours.”

“I see…”

While Paige gathered snacks, Marta took a seat, but her knees bumped on the table. She stretched her legs to the side, nearly kicking Thomas’s food bowl, and her bony hips edged the arm rests. It felt as if the chair were made for a doll rather than a person.

After a few minutes, Paige placed the snacks on the table and sat across from Marta, who already opened her gospel.

“Shall we practice recitations now?”

Paige pouted. “Do we have to? I was having a nice time just hanging out.”

“Just for a little. It will help with the test tomorrow.”

“Oh, alright.” Paige took out her own gospel. “Where are we starting?”

“Chapter 2.”

“Okay.” After finding her place, Paige skimmed over the words. “I guess I should start, huh?”

“If you would.”

Paige took a deep breath as she turned her gospel over and started. “Verse 1: Therefore—I mean, wherefore, gird up the loins of you that would listen...ready your minds. Be open and sober in patience for revelation, as obedient as children to parents, as parents to…”

“Another ‘P’ word,” Marta said when Paige trailed off too long.

“Prophets!”

“Right! Keep going.”

“As prophets to God and His angels. Verse 2: For as much as you—”

“‘Ye,’” Marta said.

“Oh, for as much as ye know that you—”

“‘Ye.’”

“Know that ye were not made incorruptible by incorruptible gold, so are the lies of traditions received from ye—”

“‘Your.’”

Paige huffed. “Why does it constantly switch between ‘ye’ and ‘you’? Wouldn’t it be easier to just pick one or the other?”

“The gospel is transcribed as the Lord makes it known to our prophet. Papa copies it as closely as he can remember, but he is still only a man, despite his gift of communing with our Lord Almighty.”

“Yeah, but...I’d still just pick one,” Paige said. “It’s so hard to read this way.”

“That is why it is of utmost importance that we study His word. It comes to us in a nearly pure, unfiltered state. Thus, it is to be expected that it takes multiple readings and studies to fully comprehend with our imperfect, human understanding. You need only practice patience and diligence and it shall become clear.”

“If you say so…”

They continued their studies until Paige successfully recited the full chapter. Marta congratulated her and Paige offered her gratitude.

“You were such a big help today around the farm. Let me send you home with something to say thanks.”

“That won’t be necessary, really—”

But Paige was already at the icebox, pulling out a half-dozen carton of eggs. “It’s not much, but I want you to have these as a thank-you. They’re fresh and can help you make a good meal.”

“You really don’t have to. It’s my pleasure to help, truly. I don’t want to deprive your home for something I volunteered to do.”

“It’s as much of a help to us as it is to you in your home. We always have too many anyhow.”

Only then could Marta accept Paige’s offering and go on her way.

Outside, she shivered in the autumn chill, and pulled her shawl over her shoulders before the walk home. The path she followed cut through town square, which bustled during the day with craftsmen and laborers gathering to trade their goods and services. With the setting sun, it quieted to only a few stray workers who started home as well. They greeted Marta and gave their regards to the prophet before musing over what their wives prepared for dinner.

Past the square, the houses became fewer and farther between until there came an incline in the trail. Atop it was the largest home. It stood at two stories but grander than any, with the exception of the chapel. All of Temple Gate could be seen from its spot.

Marta didn’t need to lower her head when she entered. She breathed easily underneath the high ceilings and spacious rooms, and left her school bag and shawl by the door. With the carton of eggs in hand, she went to the icebox. It took some rearranging for the contents to fit, along with taking out the leftover beef to make a stew for dinner. While it never turned out as sweet as she hoped, it came with a roasted, smoky scent that welcomed her after a chilly day.

She set two places at the table, when she realized she had neglected to get the rolls from the pantry. However, she found the basket empty.

A heavy sigh followed. She abandoned the kitchen to travel up the stairs. There were two directions she could go. Left led to her bedroom. Right went to the one place in the home forbidden to her.

She went right.

Though she was not to enter Knoth’s bedroom without his explicit permission, the door was never locked. She only took a deep breath to prepare herself to pass through the doorway.

The smell of incense and wine always made her eyes water, strongest at the bed that was too plush and large for one man. She pulled it until exposing an old rug. Folding it over revealed several loose floorboards. When Marta removed them, there was a cache of food large enough to last a week. Within it were the rolls wrapped in cloth, which Marta took. The rest, she left in its place, putting the boards back and the rug as it was.

She stood so she could push the bed back to its proper spot when something metallic clattered onto the ground. At Marta’s feet lay the hunting knife that took Knoth’s eye years before. Once she finished pushing the bed, she picked up the blade and tucked it underneath the pillow before before leaving the room.

Upon exiting, she took in a deep breath of clean air before descending the stairs and returned to the dining room to finish setting the table and fetching the drinks. Beside Knoth’s, she placed three capsules, one for migraines, another for aching joints, and the third to help him sleep.

Then, she straightened the tablecloth and waited. She fiddled with the food on her plate, but never took a bite. Occasionally, she looked up at the front door, but never for more than a moment.

No one entered, but Marta sat until the food went cold. Only then did she take a bite. Three more and she abandoned the meal. She placed Knoth’s portion in the overstuffed ice box, then dumped her own in the trash. She glanced at the door once more before retiring for bed.

[madewithonerib]

An Elect Failure | Billy Strachan [Hebrews 6:10]

Dedication: To all those within the Church of JESUS CHRIST, truly 'saved' & truly 'serving', yet who have always 'felt' third rate because they're not only aware of the weakness of their & our humanity but have never been allowed by some to forget their failures because others have used those failures to keep them 'down' that they in turn might feel 'up'.

      Hebrews 6:10 | ¹⁰ For GOD is not unjust. HE will not       forget your work & the love you have shown for HIS       name as you have ministered to the saints &       continue to do so.

CH1: Sanctified for Obedience

      "Peter, an apostle of JESUS CHRIST, to the strangers       scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia       & Bithynia, elect according to the foreknowledge of       GOD the FATHER, through sanctification of the SPIRIT,       unto obedience & sprinkling of the blood of JESUS CHRIST:

      Grace unto you, & peace, be multiplied." ¹ [1 Peter 1:1-2]

            1 Peter 1:1-2 | ¹ Peter, an apostle of JESUS CHRIST,             To the exiles of the Dispersion throughout Pontus,             Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, & Bithynia, chosen             ² according to the foreknowledge of GOD the FATHER             & sanctified by the SPIRIT for obedience             to JESUS CHRIST & sprinkling by HIS blood:

            Grace & peace be yours in abundance.

      Silvanus had entered the room & observed Peter staring       out of the window, not even turning round to see who had       come in, which was unusual for Peter whose nature was       such that he had to be first to observe & know all that was       going on around him.

      HIS impetuosity had been his personal nuisance all is life.

      "Penny for your thoughts, Peter?"

      Peter turned & saw Silvanus, smiled & said,

            "I was just wishing that somehow or other I could             leave Jerusalem for a bit & go & visit & meet all             those new brothers & sisters in CHRIST that are             increasing in numbers all over the known world."       "Why don't you?"             "Because I'm getting old & I don't have much             time left before I get arrested"       "What do you mean get arrested."

            "Oh! it is coming, Silvanus. You see, when I was a             young man, & if my memory serves me right it was             on the third occasion that I talked to our risen             LORD after HIS death & resurrection.

            We were at the edge of the Sea of Galilee.

            I asked HIM what would happen to me in the future.

            HE stated quite clearly that while I was young I             would have absolute freedom to come & go as             I please,

            but when I would get old I would be arrested &             taken where I don't want to go & be put to death             for HIS name sake ². [John 21:18-19]

            John 21:18-19 | ¹⁸ Truly, truly, I tell you, when you             were young, you dressed yourself & walked where             you wanted; but when you are old, you will stretch             out your hands, & someone else will dress you &             lead you where you do not want to go.”

            ¹⁹ JESUS said this to indicate the kind of death by             which Peter would glorify GOD. And after HE had             said this, HE told him, “Follow ME.”

            That was a promise from GOD &             GOD keeps HIS promises.

            That promise from HIM was a great comfort to me             when I was young & gave me an assurance that             nothing would harm me in the early years o              my ministry.

            After all, others before me had trusted HIS promises,             so I knew I could too. That's why, when Herod had             me arrested & locked in the dungeon & guarded by             16 soldiers, I just lay down & went to sleep.

            I knew I could not die the next day as he threatened,             for I was still young & HE said I would die when I was old.

            In fact, I was so sound asleep that the Angel of the             LORD had to shake me awake & get me out of there ³             [Acts 12:1-11]

            Acts 12:1-11 | ¹ About that time, King Herod reached             out to harm some who belonged to the Church.

            ² He had James, the brother of John, put to death with             the sword. ³ And seeing that this pleased the Jews,

             Herod proceeded to seize Peter during the             Feast of Unleavened Bread.

            ⁴ He arrested him & put him in prison, handing him             over to be guarded by 4 squads of 4 soldiers each.             Herod intended to bring him out to the people             after the Passover.

            ⁵ So Peter was kept in prison, but the Church was             fervently praying to GOD for him.

            ⁶ On the night before Herod was to bring him to trial,             Peter was sleeping between 2 soldiers, bound             with 2 chains, with sentries standing guard at the             entrance to the prison.

            ⁷ Suddenly an angel of the LORD appeared & a light             shone in the cell. He tapped Peter on the side &             woke him up, saying, “Get up quickly.”

            And the chains fell off his wrists.

            ⁸ “Get dressed & put on your sandals,” said the angel.

            Peter did so, & the angel told him, “Wrap your cloak             around you & follow me.” ⁹ So Peter followed him out,             but he was unaware that what the angel was doing             was real. He only thought he was seeing a vision.

            ¹⁰ They passed the 1st & 2nd guards & came to the             iron gate leading to the city, which opened for them             by itself. When they had gone outside & walked the             length of one block, the angel suddenly left him.

            ¹¹ Then Peter came to himself & said,

                “Now I know for sure that the LORD has sent                 HIS angel & rescued me from Herod’s grasp &                 from everything the Jewish people were                 anticipating.”

1.1] Anointed by Prophet

            I once read of David having that kind of trust when             he offered to go & fight Goliath of Gath.

            Everyone thought he was crazy, but he knew he was             the best person to go or even send that day for

            he had been anointed by the Prophet Samuel             earlier to become the next King of Israel.

            He knew he was not the King yet, he knew he would             not die that day. A stone & a sling would be enough             in the face of that promise.

            But the years have rolled past Silvanus & I know each             day I awake, I am getting nearer to my arrest & death."

      "Then if you are so certain you will never leave Jerusalem,       why not do what brother Paul does - write letters?"

            "I never thought of that. My only fear is that I will not             be able to keep it simple & I don't want to end up             like Paul, writing letters in which a lot of what he             says is hard even for me to get to grips with" ⁴

            1 Peter 3:15-16 | ¹⁵ But in your hearts sanctify             CHRIST as LORD. Always be prepared to give             a defense to everyone who asks you the

            reason for the hope that you have. But respond             with gentleness & respect, ¹⁶ keeping a clear             conscience, so that those who slander you may be             put to shame by your good behavior in CHRIST.

      "I wouldn't worry about that Peter. I will help you."

      So Peter began to dictate his first letter, long after he had       been an experienced Evangelist & Church Planter & Leader.

      Peter dictating & Silvanus writing it down.

            "Firstly, I want it to be a letter for everyone. As a             Christian who is a converted Jew, I want it known that

            what I write is without prejudice & void of any class,             colour or race restrictions, so how about saying...

            Peter, an apostle of JESUS CHRIST, to the strangers             scattered throughout Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia,             Asia & Bithynia, Elect....[1 Peter 1:1]

      When Peter got to the statement regarding himself & those       he was writing to that they were 'elect', Silvanus paused       held up his hand & said:

            "Surely you're not going to start with something as             theologically divisive as 'election' as opposed to             'man's free will'?

            Remember this is a letter, not a sermon."

      "Not at all Silvanus. My 'election' to service was never to       give me a 'one-upmanship' or a sense of being more       spiritual than the next person

            it was an 'election' according to HIS foreknowledge.

            What HE knew about me & I did not even know             about myself was that I would be an abject failure             & feel that I should never be qualified to serve HIM.

            And fail HIM I did.

            Yet HE never changed HIS mind about me, or slapped             my face & walked away from me, or

            even cried out in disappointment:

            'that does it I am finished with you'.

            No. HE just turned & looked at me with such an             intense love for me that it broke my heart &

            what I thought was my end was just my beginning ⁵

            Luke 22:61 | ⁶¹ And the LORD turned & looked at Peter.             Then Peter remembered the WORD the LORD had             spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today,             you will deny ME 3 times.”

      Never forget that Silvanus; the Peter you know today as       'Mr. Big' in the faith was first & foremost an 'elect failure".

      He gave a little laugh & said,

            "Didn't you know Silvanus, that 'elect failures' are             a hobby with HIM?"

      "Name me some", he immediately retorted, as a man       who always wanted the source of Peter's statements

            [That always came across as facts that             ought not to be questioned.]

"Well, there was Abraham, the liar, who would send his wife Sarah to bed with other men to save his own skin; ⁶ [Genesis 20:1-18]

Thieving Jacob, ⁷

Murderous Moses, who couldn't even bury the body deep enough so that it was found the next day. ⁸

There was cowardly Barak, who would only go to battle for the LORD if Deborah would go with him & hold his hand. ⁹

Doubting Gideon ¹⁰

Adulterous Samson, ¹¹

even David & the prophets were no exception. Filthy mouthed ¹²

Streaking' Isaiah, ¹³

Hyper-emotional and depressed Jeremiah, ¹⁴

& mystical Ezekiel. ¹⁵

      They were all written off by the religious community       as failures, yet GOD in the heavens wrote of them       'The world did not deserve them; ¹⁶

      they were truly HIS successful elect failures.

      The older I get, the more I begin to understand it has       to be that way. Did I ever tell you about my failure?"

      "You? Failed?" he gasped in astonishment, "you never       did tell me anything about that, so I've always imagined       you couldn't & that your 'election' to service was because       you were so good."

            "You're right my son, I never did tell you that."

      "Why not? Was it because of the first sin to be       committed in Heaven - Pride?" ¹⁷

            "No Silvanus. If I had had any of that left I would             have been tempted to use it. It is because of             my utter shame that I have never mentioned it.

            But since my silence has communicated to you             an imaginatory thought about how wonderful I am,             I had better tell you about it.

      I would never want anyone to make the mistake you have       been tempted to make of trusting your imagination which       is only evil continually from your youth up, ¹⁸

      & thinking I'm a good man. Remember my son,       the WORD states quite clearly that:

            there's not a just man in all the earth             that doeth good & sinneth not. ¹⁹

⁶ Genesis 20:1-18 | Abraham, Sarah, & Abimelech

      ¹ Now Abraham journeyed from there to the region       of the Negev & settled between Kadesh & Shur.

      While he was staying in Gerar,

      ² Abraham said of his wife Sarah, “She is my sister.”       So Abimelech king of Gerar had Sarah brought to him.

      ³ One night, however, GOD came to Abimelech in a       dream & told him, “You are as good as dead because       of the woman you have taken, for she is a married       woman.”

      ⁴ Now Abimelech had not gone near her, so he replied,

            “LORD, would YOU destroy a nation even though             it is innocent? ⁵ Didn’t Abraham tell me,             ‘She is my sister’? And she herself said,             ‘He is my fellow believer.’ I have done this in the             integrity of my heart & the innocence of my hands.”

      ⁶ Then GOD said to Abimelech in the dream,

            “Yes, I know that you did this with a clear             conscience, & so I have kept you from sinning             against ME. That is why I did not let you touch her.

            ⁷ Now return the man’s wife, for he is a prophet;             he will pray for you & you will live.

            But if you do not restore her, be aware that you             will surely die—you & all who belong to you.”

      ⁸ Early the next morning Abimelech got up & summoned       all his servants; & when he described to them all that       had happened, the men were terrified.

      ⁹ Then Abimelech called Abraham & asked,

            “What have you done to us? How have I sinned             against you, that you have brought such             tremendous guilt upon me & my kingdom?

            You have done things to me that should not be done.”

      ¹⁰ Abimelech also asked Abraham,

            “What prompted you to do such a thing?”

      ¹¹ Abraham replied,

            “I thought to myself, ‘Surely there is no fear of GOD             in this place. They will kill me on account of my wife.”

            ¹² Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of             my father—though not the daughter of my mother             —& she became my wife.

      ¹³ So when GOD had me journey from my father’s house,       I said to Sarah, ‘This is how you can show your loyalty to me:

            Wherever we go, say of me, “He is my fellow believer.”

      ¹⁴ So Abimelech brought sheep & cattle, menservants &           maidservants, & he gave them to Abraham & restored           his wife Sarah to him.

      ¹⁵ And Abimelech said,

          “Look, my land is before you. Settle wherever you           please.” ¹⁶ And he said to Sarah,

          “See, I am giving your brother 1K pieces of silver.           It is your vindication before all who are with you;           you are completely cleared.”

      ¹⁷ Then Abraham prayed to GOD, & GOD healed Abimelech           & his wife & his maidservants, so that they could again           bear children— ¹⁸ for on account of Abraham’s wife           Sarah, the LORD had completely closed all the wombs           in Abimelech’s household.

⁷ Genesis 27:30-36 | Jacob's Deception

      ³⁰ As soon as Isaac had finished blessing him & Jacob           had left his father’s presence, his brother Esau           returned from the hunt.

      ³¹ He too made some tasty food, brought it to his father,           & said to him,

            “My father, sit up & eat of your son’s game, so             that you may bless me.”

      ³² But his father Isaac replied, “Who are you?”

            “I am Esau, your 1stborn son,” he answered.

      ³³ Isaac began to tremble violently & said,

            “Who was it, then, who hunted the game & brought             it to me? Before you came in, I ate it all & blessed him             —& indeed, he will be blessed!”

      ³⁴ When Esau heard his father’s words, he let out a loud           & bitter cry & said to his father,

            “Bless me too, O my father!” ³⁵ But Isaac replied,

            “Your brother came deceitfully & took your blessing.”

      ³⁶ So Esau declared,

            “Is he not rightly named Jacob? For he has cheated             me twice. He took my birthright, & now he has taken             my blessing.”

      Then he asked, “Haven’t you saved a blessing for me?”

⁸ Exodus 2:11-15 | Moses Kills an Egyptian

      ¹¹ One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to his       own people & observed their hard labor. He saw an       Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people.

      ¹² After looking this way & that & seeing no one,

      he struck down the Egyptian & hid his body in the sand.

      ¹³ The next day Moses went out & saw 2 Hebrews fighting.

      He asked the one in the wrong,

            “Why are you attacking your fellow Hebrew?”

      ¹⁴ But the man replied,

            “Who made you ruler & judge over us? Are you             planning to kill me as you killed the Egyptian?”

      Then Moses was afraid & thought,

            “This thing I have done has surely become known.”

      ¹⁵ When Pharaoh heard about this matter, he sought to           kill Moses. But Moses fled from Pharaoh & settled           in the land of Midian, where he sat down beside a well.

⁹ Judges 4:8-9 | Deborah and Barak

      ⁸ Barak said to her, “If you will go with me, I will go;       but if you will not go with me, I will not go.”

      ⁹ “I will certainly go with you,” Deborah replied, “but       the road you are taking will bring you no honor,       because the LORD will be selling Sisera into the       hand of a woman.”

      So Deborah got up & went with Barak to Kedesh,

¹⁰ Judges 6:11-16 | The Call of Gideon

      ¹¹ Then the angel of the LORD came & sat down under       the oak in Ophrah that belonged to Joash the Abiezrite,

            where his son Gideon was threshing wheat in             a winepress to hide it from the Midianites.

      ¹² And the angel of the LORD appeared to Gideon & said,

            “The LORD is with you, O mighty man of valor.”

            ¹³ “Please, my LORD,” Gideon replied, “but if the             LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us?             And where are all HIS wonders about which our             fathers told us, saying,

            ‘Has not the LORD brought us up out of Egypt?’

      But now the LORD has forsaken us & delivered us into       the hand of Midian.” ¹⁴ The LORD turned to him & said,

            “Go in the strength you have & save Israel from             the hand of Midian. Am I not sending you?”

            ¹⁵ “Please, my LORD,” Gideon replied, “how can             I save Israel? Indeed, my clan is the weakest in             Manasseh, & I am the youngest in my father’s house.”

      ¹⁶ “Surely I will be with you,” the LORD replied, “& you       will strike down all the Midianites as one man.”

¹¹ Judges 13:1-25 | The Birth of Samson

¹ Again the Israelites did evil in the sight of the LORD, so the LORD delivered them into the hands of the Philistines for forty years. ² Now there was a man from Zorah named Manoah, from the clan of the Danites, whose wife was barren & had no children. ³ The angel of the LORD appeared to the woman & said to her, “It is true that you are barren & have no children; but you will conceive & give birth to a SON. ⁴ Now please be careful not to drink wine or strong drink, & not to eat anything unclean. ⁵ For behold, you will conceive & give birth to a SON. And no razor shall come over his head, because the boy will be a Nazirite to GOD from the womb, & he will begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines.” ⁶ Then the woman went & said to her husband, “A man of GOD came to me. HIS appearance was like the angel of GOD, exceedingly awesome. I did not ask him where he came from, & he did not tell me his name. ⁷ But he said to me, ‘Behold, you will conceive & give birth to a SON. Now, therefore, do not drink wine or strong drink, & do not eat anything unclean, because the boy will be a Nazirite to GOD from the womb until the day of his death.’” ⁸ Then Manoah prayed to the LORD, “Please, O LORD, let the man of GOD YOU sent us come to us again to teach us how to raise the boy who is to be born.” ⁹ And GOD listened to the voice of Manoah, & the angel of GOD returned to the woman as she was sitting in the field; but her husband Manoah was not with her. ¹⁰ The woman ran quickly to tell her husband, “Behold, the man who came to me the other day has reappeared!” ¹¹ So Manoah got up & followed his wife. When he came to the man, he asked, “Are you the man who spoke to my wife?” “I am,” he said. ¹² Then Manoah asked, “When your words come to pass, what will be the boy’s rule of life & mission?” ¹³ So the angel of the LORD answered Manoah, “YOUR wife is to do everything I told her. ¹⁴ She must not eat anything that comes from the vine, nor drink any wine or strong drink, nor eat anything unclean. She must do everything I have commanded her.” ¹⁵ “Please stay here,” Manoah said to the angel of the LORD, “& we will prepare a young goat for YOU.” ¹⁶ And the angel of the LORD replied, “Even if I stay, I will not eat your food. But if you prepare a burnt offering, offer it to the LORD.” For Manoah did not know that it was the angel of the LORD. ¹⁷ Then Manoah said to the angel of the LORD, “What is your name, so that we may honor you when your WORD comes to pass?” ¹⁸ “Why do you ask my name,” said the angel of the LORD, “since it is beyond comprehension?” ¹⁹ Then Manoah took a young goat & a grain offering & offered them on a rock to the LORD. And as Manoah & his wife looked on, the LORD did a marvelous thing. ²⁰ When the flame went up from the altar to the sky, the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame. When Manoah & his wife saw this, they fell facedown to the ground. ²¹ And when the angel of the LORD did not appear again to Manoah & his wife, Manoah realized that it had been the angel of the LORD. ²² “We are going to die,” he said to his wife, “for we have seen GOD!” ²³ But his wife replied, “If the LORD had intended to kill us, HE would not have accepted the burnt offering & the grain offering from our hands, nor would HE have shown us all these things or spoken to us this way.” ²⁴ So the woman gave birth to a SON & named him Samson. The boy grew, & the LORD blessed him. ²⁵ And the SPIRIT of the LORD began to stir him at Mahaneh Dan, between Zorah & Eshtaol."

. 2:- . 3:- Acts 12:1-11. 4:-11 Peter 3:15-16. 5:- Luke22:61. 6:- Genesis 20:1-18. 7:- . 8:-Exodus 2:11-15. 9:- Judges 4:8-9. 10:-Judges 6:11-16. 11:- Judges chapters13: -15: 12:- Isaiah 6:5. 13:- Isaiah 20:2. 14:- Lamentations 3:1-18. 15:- Ezekiel 1:1 16:-Hebrews 11:38. 17:- Ezekiel 28:13-19. 18:- Genesis 6:5. 19:- Ecclesiastes 7:20.

[sheilasministry]

Jesus says it’s about time someone did MORE then just sit in the Oval Office & say they are the President of the United States of this Country America. I know many think Trump is an old person who says what He wants but he is getting it done one day & one week & one month at a time. NO more for Iran is what Trump is saying. Our jobs & our money is about to be back with us in the United States of America that is now a Country of POVERTY but only Hillary & Obama know this. That’s why they are selling uranium like cup cakes to our WORST enemy who is selling what they buy from us & not much in paying for it either. They say it’s money in their pocket. Obama & Hillary are not out much on the News lately. They show up in some tv show that bashes Trump for doing some things for God that Hillary & Obama  said they WOULDN’T do for God’s Country in America which is now a  Country more then America. That’s why God says America & then Country. No one wants to believe in God being with us ALL here now on this planet but I believe it & so many now that it is ridiculous that I haven’t heard back from this one person who said they would be out in no time to say what they thought about this site & it was not good but then they said to themself; If I’m wrong & YOU ARE WRONG, well then I have better have my facts straight to. Okay you DON’T but keep trying to say God Is Jesus with God Jehovah & maybe I Pray, you will be Saved from this terrible, horrible place because God Jesus told you to look it up in the Bible. You know, the one you were told to throw out & make a brand new book about whatever it is this guy joseph smith was talking about. I have read enough of the mormon book to say it makes NO sense & there is NO Salvation for all who say God is not Jesus with God Jehovah. NO one can Marry more then one man or one women. It is called bigotry. NO one can say God is not with God Jehovah ALL the time in Heaven because in the Bible it says He is in  Heaven with God Jehovah on His Right Side of Glory Forever. But the mormons took away God’s word in the Bible & say now that the Bible has no value to them whatsoever. Well God says in Revelation 22: 18,19 to NOT do away with God’s word or it would be eternal punishment for like ever in this horrible place many call home for good. I hope & Pray for ALL to find God’s Heart in their time on this planet before we all die. I’m good with God Jesus. His Name is God with God Jehovah & The Holy Spirit.  They are one God with Each Other to be One God Alone Together as in One God but Separate with each having a Name as in Jehovah, Jesus &  The Holy Spirit. I’m here to say what God Taught His Disciples to say when He was no longer here on this world. I can say this; God is not going to be back but for a moment in time to say; He Is God with God Jehovah & The Holy Spirit. I have this to say to me. I can picture God’s Heart with me & that is the only time I can see Him until I’m in Heaven with Him Forever. I know it is possible to be with God now through The Holy Spirit but I will say He is with us here now & He says I will see His face & that will be in Heaven with Him Forever & Ever. I’m good with that. How about you  mormon’s out there who say God’s word is not for you to study because I’m wrong about having the mormon book to be re-written & God says to NOT do that & you are ignoring His word which is in the Bible. Only one time have I messed up for about ten seconds & God says; Watch this turn around so fast she will be saying an apology right away & for good & God says He is pleased I’m with Him in Heaven. We can make a decision in time to make it here for God to be with us in Heaven now & not when  we die. I have a friend who says I’m her family to. I know that family is a lot to me in my life & heart. They have a Ministry that will show off God to the MAX for Him Alone as their God. I will be Praying for them & them for me when we see each other to be with God Alone the way God wants us to be with Him as God Alone Jesus with God Jehovah & God The Holy  Spirit. I will be out with people in a way that says it directly to people one on one but in time I will be out with more then one person & more & more & when God says it’s time for me to head back home I will have a few more Sermon’s for God to be God of ALL to & for Infinity. We have a choice to say God will give us things but I think about God when I’m writing for Him Alone here & on youtube for His Sermon’s & here on His blog site & on twitter for Him to be Glorified like right then & when those tweets hit the online airway it is almost pandemonium for people to see what God is saying for now  when I’m saying it at that moment in time. This blog will be touched by many but not like the twitter site. God says it will be the most popular site for God’s children to see & say God Is Jesus with God Jehovah. My friend & me will do a Sermon over in a state really fast & we will have fun doing that to. I won’t be here much longer & she will be where she is but I will be out going to a tournament & then I will be with God to the max & then with my friends for this tournament in time for me to say; Whoa that was a fun place to be. I know I can win tournaments in my age bracket but it takes two to say it will be happening. I have been a regular for sometime but they say not anymore. I have to get back in shape to say I’m still in the game of winning but not much for now. God says I can be a winner in my age group but not much for now but I’m looking for more to help me in my diet to stay thin & I’m doing more jogging. Today maybe, it’s really hot out & I had some work to do so it wasn’t my morning cool time to jog but I can get in my four mile walk. That is a good pace I keep up but it’s a little better with a jog once in a while. When this hot weather goes away I will be able to say more jogging today & more tomorrow & so on. Okay I have lost some weight but it will take me time. I’m trying to not snack but it’s hard when you work out & you get hungry but I can do better & I started again yesterday. Don’t give up on your diet for you. You can always Pray & ask God to help you to stop eating so much. I say this to all of you now; No one can do it better then God with us when we ask Him for His help. So no giving up on your plan to lose weight. That way you can do what you want & feel better with not much weight on your body. I have to say I have a family memeber who says it’s too hard to walk but it’s not that. They have a deficiency in their life that is called being just like, you know not interested in saying I want to go out. We can make up an excuse but go out on a daily walk for about thirty minutes & move up to about forty to forty five minutes. That is a really good work out for just walking. Go swimming or biking or just get out for a jog that is slow for you to do for you. DON’T try to keep up in the beginning of the jog. Just start out slow & keep it up for you to do what it is you want to do. Okay that is that on that. No one has to say I’m not here for people. I’m here just like anyone else is but I have to say I’m  in the moment of saying I’m old just like many at 66 years of age but my  son thinks I’m old looking but not. He says I take care of myself but I try to say it’s for me but I want it to be for our grandson who is now young  but not walking now. I have to keep up with him like in about a year or two. So I jog & look as good as I can but no one can stay young looking & be looking normal. Too much of a surgery for plastic in your body or stretching of your skin to make wrinkles go away shows too much. I say this; I’m old so handle it with you. You won’t look young for much longer either. I was once out there looking really good like all of us have in the past. Now we say it’s up to me personally to take care of me. I know I have some  wrinkles around my face & eyes are dark with circles. I can take care of  that with makeup or get more sleep but God says my son has them to. What is it that causes dark circles in our eyes or around our eyes so  young in life? God says it’s just us & our make up of who we are. I say one thing & God says it’s another. He says it’s not the punishment for me it’s the time it takes to say I want to be with you now that I’m old but kids have it so young now days. Okay that is it for now. I will get my diet in order but I won’t have as much fun but I can say I will get better in my life. Okay now that I’m done I can say this. Bye for now &  Jesus Is God with God Jehovah & The Holy Spirit as One but Three in the Presence as One God Alone  Still. Okay I said it again here & I will in ALL things I say & so will many in time but not like God wants His Name to be said in like so many Sermons that I can’t count them anymore. Okay bye.

[hymnsofmyheart]

I need thee every hour

Hey, thank you for taking the time to read this post. I desire for you to know this is simply things I struggle with and how God is helping me through it all. My prayer is that you feel God’s love for you, His presence and encouragement.  I see these post as letters to myself and I’m reminded of  how God is ever present in my life.

“How can I know my own heart, when I spend so little time with it?” -Claire Gibson

The last few weeks have been anxious ones. It is anxiety that I have allowed to come in because sometimes in my own selfishness I break my own heart. I choose to believe the lies of the devil instead of the promises of God.

I’m good at keeping myself busy so I don’t have to think about or deal with certain matters. I find temporary fixes to distract myself.

This fight of anxiousness is not one brought on by another person it is truly the way I think or perceive things. It is a battlefield of my mind, heart, and soul. I have discovered I am not well equipped but, boy God is.

One anxious thought I struggle with is a comparison, the comparison of being successful. Recently, I was talking to my sister, Brettan and I told her that at this point in my life I thought I would have accomplished more. She said God does not look at success or measure it the way the world does (Luke 9:23-25, 1st John 2:15-17, Romans 12:2).

Oh how my heart needed that wisdom and encouragement. I also struggle with the busier I am the more successful I will be, when actually the busier I am the further I push myself away from God. I started writing this last week but became busy canning and wasting time watching, The Crown on netflix. Those things are nice but,  my relationship with God has to be first or nothing will be as it should (Ecc. 2:11)

What voices do I choose to listen to? How do I measure the success of my life?When I listen and compare myself to the world, it doesn’t require very much faith and leads to settling for a mediocre life, not the life God has called me to live. Do I seek wisdom and guidance from the world or God? Do I listen to God’s word or lies from the devil? What will sustain me? What will be worth it? What is temporary? What is eternal? I ask myself, why am I  doing this? For affirmation from the world or does it please my heavenly father? Does it please me or does it please God? I think to much about what the world thinks, instead of what God thinks. I believe this disconnection comes when I’m not communicating with God. When I turn to something else instead of turning to him.  I recently heard Brooke Ligertwood speak and she said, “Don’t follow your dreams, follow Jesus, everyday the mission is the same, follow Jesus, to steward what God has given us with His grace and wisdom. “

Following after God, does lead to your dreams, more than you can fathom. I also have to count the cost of following Jesus. It’s not easy, look at Jesus’s life here on earth. He was never comfortable but, apart from God there is no good thing. He will never lead me astray, I’m good at doing that myself.

Comparison is not the only thing I’m anxious about. There is a list, thoughts are a daily battle, one big one is WHEN. God knows what I’m anxious about, he knows what your anxious about. He is all knowing, he is all powerful, he is in control, and he is near. God knows the desires of our hearts and what were anxious about, he loves us too much to see us carry the burden. God doesn’t want us to lose our joy due to anxiety or fear.  He desires for us to become completely  dependent upon him and when we do our joy for Him becomes a fierce weapon for the kingdom.

He said to all of them, “Those who want to come with me must say no to the things they want, pick up their crosses every day, and follow me. Those who want to save their lives will lose them. But those who lose their lives for me will save them. What good does it do for people to win the whole world but lose their lives by destroying them?-  Luke 9: 23-25 (GW)

“Don’t love the world’s ways. Don’t love the world’s goods. Love of the world squeezes out love for the Father. Practically everything that goes on in the world—wanting your own way, wanting everything for yourself, wanting to appear important—has nothing to do with the Father. It just isolates you from him. The world and all its wanting, wanting, wanting is on the way out—but whoever does what God wants is set for eternity.”- 1st John 2:15-17 (MSG)

 Do not be conformed to this world,but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless--like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere. Ecc 2:11 (NLT)

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, PRAY. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.- Philippians 4: 6-7

“The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men, and His compulsion is our liberation.” -C.S. Lewis

Christine Caine, says, “We don’t need to be discovered by God, he created us so he knows where we are. We need to be developed by him into the likeness of Christ. He will take you into the darkroom to be developed so that the spotlight of man won’t destroy you. He is more concerned that the light inside of you is brighter than the light that’s shining on you. When you live for the praise of man, you can be destroyed by the opinion of man. God is looking for people that will be faithful in seasons of development.”

Max Lucado wrote a book, “Anxious for Nothing,”  and there is a devotional on the bible app which has been helpful. Lucado talks about the power of prayer. He says,” you find a promise that fits your problem and build your prayer around it...fewer-anxious thoughts more prayer filled thoughts.”

In 1st Thessalonians God speaks about praying continuously,  I’ve known that verse but, never followed through with it until recently. There is power in the name of Jesus, he desires for us to call upon him, no matter what we are facing. When a thought comes to mind if I’m cooking, cleaning, driving, I pray right then, no hesitation. I have already prolonged too many conversations with my savior, thinking to myself I got this, shoot I don’t. Prayer is for us and God uses it to transform our hearts and minds.  “Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.”- John 14:13 God calls us to act upon what we hear in His word and when we do there is transformation (James 1:22)

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. -1st Thessalonians 5:16-18

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. -James 1:22

 Dr. Caroline Leaf writes,” Develop an ongoing conversation with God; a constant internal dialogue with the Holy Spirit; a literal disciplined lifestyle of praying continuously. Did you know that God designed our brains to actually do this?  We are designed to direct our rest; to switch off to the external and switch on to the internal. Our brain works more efficiently with our intellectual functioning moving onto a higher level with more wisdom and peace, when we direct our rest and set up an internal dialogue with God.”

I titled this post, “I need thee every hour,” after the hymn written by Annie Hawks. It has been my prayer and the realization of the importance of talking to God. After I titled this post, I researched the story behind why Annie wrote it and it confirmed so much goodness and truth!

We have a personal account of the genesis of "I Need Thee Every Hour": Hawks writes, "One day as a young wife and mother of 37 years of age, I was busy with my regular household tasks during a bright June morning [in 1872]. Suddenly, I became so filled with the sense of nearness to the Master that, wondering how one could live without Him, either in joy or pain, these words were ushered into my mind, the thought at once taking full possession of me -- 'I Need Thee Every Hour. . . .'"

 This anxiousness is part of my journey and everyone’s looks different..Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes, “Every man is called separately, and must follow alone.” God didn’t create us to be alone (Genesis 2:18) but, one cannot rely on someone else is relationship with God to fulfill his own.

When C.S. Lewis wrote about the topic of prayer he said, “ Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.”  Sometimes when I feel discouraged and unsuccessful, God allows me to reflect on how far he has brought me. He gives me my second wind and says let’s go, follow me.

He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life. - Psalm 62:6 (MSG)

Resources used for writing this post:

Hannah Breacher’s Study-First Be a Follower

https://gallery.mailchimp.com/87ea529be1b2d6065d52fc357/files/b4703846-51b0-44fa-b40d-d058d0a694a0/FirstBeaFollower_March2018.pdf

Brooke Ligertwood

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dSGQ_01Ff6c

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34ZC1ci1T3Q

Max Lucado’s Anxious for Nothing

https://www.amazon.com/Anxious-Nothing-Finding-Chaotic-World-ebook/dp/B01N3NGA0I

Dr. Caroline Leaf’s blog

https://drleaf.com/blog/are-you-too-busy-to-talk-to-god/

Chad Veach Sermons

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qxjhTgYNqK0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Um3BBgIEsnw

Joyce Meyer’s Books

https://www.amazon.com/Be-Anxious-Nothing-Casting-Resting-ebook/dp/B001JK9BEG

https://www.amazon.com/Battlefield-Mind-Winning-Battle-Your/dp/0446691097

Story behind the hymn, “I need thee every hour”

https://www.umcdiscipleship.org/resources/history-of-hymns-i-need-thee-every-hour

[restorerjourney]

Week 4: Knowing God’s character and nature

Aloha!

Last week was such an emotional and spiritual rollercoaster as we learned how to hear God’s voice and what a huge breakthrough it was for me. I would say this week felt more intellectual compared to last week which meant less crying lol but it was still such a wonderful session. We had our speaker, Derek Schoenhoff, come all the way from Dallas, Texas. He also did his DTS in YWAM Kona where he met his wife and was also a pastor here at Kona, for several years.

He was such a gifted speaker who really shed light to God’s true character. It’s amazing growing up into a Christian home and going to church all the time how there was still so much more to know about God. This session brought to light still the subtle lies that I believed that if I wasn’t disciplined in my walk that there was this sense of guilt before the Lord for not being in the worldly sense “faithful”. Being in my 30s and just having experienced the reality of life and what the world defines as being worthy of love and accepted seeped into my walk with God. I knew in my heart that I am saved not by anything I’ve done but purely by God’s grace and Jesus’s life and resurrection, yet I came to realize that I still bought into the lies at times that it wasn’t enough to please Him. That’s when I came to realize how much I’ve let the voices of the world really drown out God’s voice and now knowing this truth, how much more I need to protect it. I am reminded of my previous women’s bible study back at NOVA with my home church where we studied Hebrews, particularly chapter 2:1 where it says 

“ Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.”. 

Paul wasn’t kidding. And this drifting experience is not a slow and peaceful boat that drifts away, it’s a strong unseeing force that really can put your boat in the middle of nowhere within minutes. I know this because when we went snorkeling this past weekend with our team at Two Step, we didn’t realize the current was pretty strong. If you are not careful enough the current can take you in and push you towards a reef full of prickly sea urchins or sharp coral! That’s how easily we can drift when we allow God’s voice to be drowned out by the world. We can drift so far that we think we can’t hear God’s voice or if we don’t fight hard against the current, it can smash us towards a prickly reef of a life of fear and worries of this world. 

One of the biggest breakthroughs for me during this session was to see God as someone who is so excited and happy when I turn to him, so excited that he runs towards me with open arms and picks me up like I’m His most favorite daughter in the world. I no longer see God as someone who is not present, disappointed, annoyed, or angry. This was difficult for a lot of us to experience due to our own past hurts from our own parents. There was a session on forgiveness where we wrote a letter of forgiveness to all those who hurt us and we would burn it in the fire. Although it sounded cheesy I highly encourage it because more than the act of writing and burning it, it’s the work of the Holy spirit and your faith that allows you to have power to break free from the chains of bitterness so you can experience freedom and healing. I’m a believer. I wrote my letter of forgiveness towards my father and mother, previous intimate relationships that I’ve been, and some friends that have let go of our friendship. As I was writing this letter my heart not only healed but God allowed me to see through His eyes. I was able to see how much my parents are also broken sinners like me who loved me the best they could and sacrificed so much so that I would have a better life, that my past relationships although were painful God used it for good, and that it isn’t my fault for relationships to drift apart. The speaker came up to me and shared that God was so proud of me and I replied that it may take time, but he encouraged to believe in faith that it was done. 

This was really profound to me because I never realized God uses my faith to reveal His promises. From the past sermon that I attended at Livingstone church here in Kona, the pastor spoke how faith in our heart without action is not faith but hope. Faith requires action and God loves to see our faith in order for Him to reveal His promises to us ( He loves doing that too). It makes sense right? If Moses didn’t obey in faith to return to Egypt to set his people free, he wouldn’t have witnessed such intimacy with God, seeing miracles before his eyes, seeing the red sea split, and the pillar of fire guiding the Israelites at night. It’s different from being legalistic because our worth is always secured in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ but more than just having eternal life, God wants so much more intimacy with us because He loves us so much more than we can phantom. So I said a “yes and amen” to this forgiveness letter. That I truly am free from bitterness and to see those who hurt me through God’s lens. 

We also learned that God is love and the opposite of love is fear.

” There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. “ (1John 4:18 )

I would say I am a pretty anxious person and I have the tendency to worry a lot. It stems from my distrust from God and my past wounds. Also my parents tend to be anxious too and I grew up always being overly prepared so that I wouldn’t have any regret. This however made me beat myself up when I failed or if things didn’t go my way and become more anxious which can become a viscous cycle. I realized God never wanted me to live like this. Yes God doesn’t call us to live life recklessly and never prepare but he also doesn’t call us to fear or worry about things to the point we are over controlling and because we don’t trust Him. Whenever I go before God in prayer and I feel afraid to approach Him, I instantly recognize that I already have the wrong view of God and either go to scripture or remember the precious moments when I was fearless before God, running into my daddy’s arms. 

One practice that I really felt blessed by was when we were told to close our eyes and imagine us being 3-years-old and God taps our shoulder asking what game we wanted to play. I said “hide and seek” because it was a game that I remember my dad and I used to play when I was little. I remember he would say “ I’m gonna get you!” and  I giggled and screamed out of control because I was full excitement that my dad was so happy to see me and play with me. This is how our God sees us too. Our God is present, he just loves playing with us and spending time with us. He enjoys us playing with him like a 3-year old more than coming to him with our good works trying to earn his approval just like any father is fully of joy when he plays with his 3-year-old kid. 

Yes we do have to remember God is the King of Kings. This protocol helps us to remember God is God and we are not. The amazing thing about God is that we don’t have to stay in our protocol, but God responds with grace and as a Father. That although we approach Him with reverence and holiness, God from His throne embraces us shamelessly. 

Some great thinking points that I would like to share that challenged me...

Some other great points:

-The Cross answer two questions for usWhy the cross?

    1) If God is sovereign, why did he choose the worst kind of death? Why did he endure physical, verbal, emotional, sexual abuse? Why did he endure gossip? Because if he didn’t, we could say, Jesus you don’t know what it’s like to endure what I did. Not only does he know, but he endure much more worse than we ever did.God where were you when we endured the darkest time?

    2) God was there when we were abused, when Jesus was abused.. It says God was present and grieving. Genesis 6:6. We don’t often think of the broken heart of God. God is also working. Planning the resurrection- the process for restoration and if you make the right decision you will discover life.

-Ephesians 3:17: I have my roots and foundations in Love. Our beginning was not when we were conceived, it STARTED ON THE MIND OF GOD.

Three things you can do with the feeling/desire for vengeance against someone:

Act it out

Deny it

Surrender it to God, Give it to Him. Let it all out before God. He can handle it. Depression is unresolved or unexpressed anger. We should be able to express all of our anger to Him.

-The goodness of God does not change with your circumstances

-Spoken lies, when believed, are curses.

-Forgiveness is not excusing, minimizing, justifying, or tolerating the sin. It’s not about getting even, it’s not conditional ( if you change then I forgive..), it’s not an obligation . It is not a feeling, or a process (not staying committed), it’s not forgetting. It’s not a one-time event...every time it comes to mind, we need to forgive otherwise the old feelings will send you down an unhealthy rabbit hole. What forgiveness is a choice based on faith and obedience to God. Doing to others as God has done for you. Forgiveness is a healing agent for your relationship with God. It’s letting go of your rights to justice and anger. Forgiveness is choosing not to hold someone’s sin against them. This is what God does.

-Apologizing is not a biblical concept, it’s about feeling bad about something.Biblical concept is repentance..it’s asking for forgiveness with a commitment to change.

There is so much more so if anyone is interested, please feel free to reach out to me and I would love to share more. 

This past Saturday I planned our first outing for team only to go to Two step. It’s called two step because literally as you are taking two steps down rocks to the ocean you are in the deep with coral beneath you. Like I mentioned before the current was strong and only one other team member was a good swimmer. We foolishly encouraged those who couldn’t swim to try since they had their snorkeling gear and we could hold them up but that was a dumb mistake. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt except one girl who got scraped by sea urchin which you need to pee on...yes memories wahoo~ but all in all we had a great time together making memories. We went to Magic sand after and watched some of the biggest waves there that almost destroyed 3 of our team members while they were playing on the shore. This wave came out of nowhere and I will never forget the unrelenting power of the sea. We then went to Costco and got pizza with ice-cream for dinner! 

Prayer requests:

1) Healing for my neck and shoulder. I pulled my right shoulder while working at the farm and it wasn’t even doing something that strenuous but i was really discouraged because I wanted to believe in faith that God could heal. It’s 80% better already but I am cautious and I don’t want to live in fear because of it. I’m mostly symptomatic in the morning because the arthritis is worse then and I am really stiff. I’m committed to getting back into shape and doing physical therapy while I am here.

2) Outreach: We are going to Mazaltan, Mexico for outreach for 2 months! Then we will return the last month to the YWAM base in Honolulu to do our remix session which is unique with the Restorer’s DTS and allows us to debrief and process all that has happened. Please pray for clarity to what ministry God wants us to do, unity in our team, grace and direction for our leaders, and safety. 

Mahalo for our prayers and supports,

                                         Alicia

[ynibytina]

Meet Evan Welcher!!!

With the recent passing of my Grandpa Peterson, I thought now would finally be a good time to put up an interview I did a while back with my friend, Evan Welcher since it also deals with death. I met Evan on Twitter through his twin brother, Steele, who happens to be the resident life manager of the dorms at WITCC (where I recently graduated from college). Evan is the senior pastor of First Christian Church in Glenwood, Iowa. In the last five years or so, Evan's been on quite a roller coaster ride of emotions, but that hasn't stopped him from trying to make a smile on other peoples faces. He went from the extreme happiness of meeting and then marrying his lovely wife, Danielle, (whom he refers to as "My Resplendent Bride"), to the agonizing sorrow of her cancer and death. To learn more about Evan and his new journey through life, please check out his personal Twitter, Instagram, or website.

People Who Inspire You: My Resplendent Bride, Rich Mullins, John Stott.

Favorite Bible Story: The parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32).

Favorite Bible Verse: John 11:25.

Favorite Musician: Rich Mullins.

Favorite Movie: Lady In The Water.

Favorite Books: Too many to list!

Favorite Color: Yellow.

Favorite Holiday: Thanksgiving.

Mac or PC: Mac.

Twitter or Facebook: Twitter.

Blackberry or iPhone: iPhone.

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.

Winter or Summer: Summer.

Pancakes or Waffles: Waffles.

Math or Science: Science Fiction.

Past, Present, or Future: Future.

Have you always wanted to become a preacher?

What made me want to be a preacher was the way God comes down into human history and saves fallen, broken, messed up people like me. When Jesus saved me I said to myself, "I have to spend the rest of my life telling people about this Jesus!" He is the only God who gives up His life for His people instead of the other way around.

I did not happen to grow up in a church-going family, but I did, in my totally biased opinion, grow up in the best family. God saved me when I was 16. At the time I wore a lot of black and was rather unpleasant to be around. I was a committed atheist and my world view was hostile to religion in general organized or otherwise. A friend of mine had become a Christian the summer of my 16th year, and when school resumed had been annoyingly faithful at telling me all about Jesus. She invited me to Church often. I always refused invitations and for my part, faithfully mocked her. One night I had a dream in which Jesus saved me from my wretched self. I awoke the next day perplexed and annoyed. I wondered if I had eaten a bad taco the night before. Nonetheless, despite my attempts to brush off and rationalize the dream...it stayed with me. Yes, it gnawed at my pompous faith in my intellect. I began running through the practical ramifications of being wrong about the existence of God. My atheism was based upon the shaky foundation of me assuming there was no God because I had never experienced God in my short life. I wagered that if there was a God He would not take kindly to the immense ungratefulness exhibited by of one of His creations going around telling His other creations that the Creator was, in fact, a fairy tale. My friend invited me to church again, and I went. The gospel (Good News) was explained to me and for the first time, I believed that God was real, and, that I was alienated from Him because of my own sin, and furthermore that all that stuff about the Cross was Jesus dying in my place so that I, even I, as undeserving as I am, might be declared righteous, and forgiven. Through no goodness or wisdom of my own, I believed that night. Faith was God's gift to me on that October evening. He bids us all to come to die with Him that we might live with Him. I love how just God is, because He won't turn anybody away.

When did you find out that your wife had cancer? How did you react to the diagnosis?

My Resplendent Bride had been coughing for several months. We went to the Dr. and they thought it was anything from her asthma acting up to pneumonia. However after several weeks without improvement they did an X-Ray and saw the baseball-sized mass in her anterior mediastinum. The mass was situated between her lungs right next to her heart. It was pushing against her lungs making it difficult to breathe. We later learned it was lymphoma, which is a blood cancer. We were sad because we both had seen the pain: cancer caused in our parent's lives. Her father had fought against brain tumors for many years, and my mother died from lung cancer.

I held my Danielle in my arms and we wept together: for the fight ahead, for the fears we harbored, for our unborn children. We were keenly aware of the fight ahead of us, but we also purposed in our hearts to trust in God's sovereignty. We believed that God is in control of all our lives and that nothing merely happens by coincidence.

A verse we clung to was Isaiah 41:10, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

My Resplendent Bride fought cancer like the woman of grace that she was for nearly two years. During that time her lymphoma came back twice and morphed into leukemia. She went home to be with her Savior (John 14) May 3, 2014, dying from complications of a failed bone marrow transplant.

I have never known anyone like her. She was the love of my life. She is the best person I have ever known. God gave her to me for less than 3 years, but oh, the mark she left on my soul is indelible. Danielle was a woman who had yielded herself to her Lord as much as a human can. She was a missionary to S. Sudan, a teacher, a daughter, a friend to more people than I can count, and my Resplendent Bride. It is not cliche of me to write that her love changed me in ways that I can not fully comprehend or explain. True love has a way of doing that.

Is there anything that we can be praying about for you?

Please be praying for me as I mourn the loss of my Resplendent Bride. The Bible says that two become one in the covenant of marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33). There is something mysteriously powerful about marriage that I fear may be lost on many today. When someone is widowed they have spiritually been torn in two. The beauty of Christ is that He shall put us all back together again.

Many of the people we walk past and ignore everyday are virtual walking Humpty Dumpty's marching along in a daze. The people of God are tasked with waiting with the broken while rescue comes. This is God's beautiful design for the Church.

How do you turn such negative events in your life into positive ones?

I am thankful that it is not up to me to bring good from evil. God is always working (Romans 8), and it is enough for me to know that He is good, knows what He is doing, and has not forgotten His little lambs.

What does a normal day in your life look like now?

I wake up and drink in the coffee as well as tidings of distant lands that transpired while I slumbered (the news). If people are lucky, I take a shower (people are always lucky). Then I head off to my study at the church building and work on whatsoever needs working on! I believe God does powerful things through the proclamation of His word to His saints (don't you love how the Bible calls Christ's Bride "Saints"? That proves our righteousness comes not from ourselves but for Him!) so I spend a good portion my week writing Sunday's sermon.

If you could preach about any topic or Bible story on a Sunday, what would it probably be about and why?

My favorite thing to preach on is the forgiveness of sins, which is inseparable from the Cross of Christ. The banner we dwell under reads, "Christ Crucified For Sinners". The best thing about the Gospel is that it is not about us, it's about Him. The world has enough people who are really into themselves. The cool thing about God is that He knows our frame, that we are but dust. He knows we dustlings are fragile, broken, and rough around the edges. He also knows that we are battered, bedraggled, broken things looking for shelter. If you think you need to have all your stuff together before God will have anything to do with you: you have never heard the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

How would you describe your style of preaching? Also, why should people come to your church?

I don't yell at people. I don't beat the sheep.

I preach through books of the Bible, verse by verse. At First Christian Church we believe 2 Timothy 3:16, "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness."

Preaching through entire books ensures that the Church gets a steady diet of God's revelation in the proportions the Holy Spirit doles out. When a guy is just doing topical series after topical series there runs the risk of the people of God only hearing the preacher man's hobby horses.

First Christian Church is an independent church trying to do things as much as the New Testament Church did as we can figure out. We admit that we are only human, and that the first century was a long time ago, but we think there are some clear hints in the New Testament about what the Church should look and feel like. At the same time, we deeply value the contributions of our brothers and sisters in Christ have made to the global church over the last 2,000 years. Tradition is not a dirty word.

What do you like to do in your spare time?

I read, lift weights, bike, write, and try to figure out woodworking!

What are five things that most people don’t know about you?

I am painfully shy.

I throw tomahawks.

I don't have all the answers, but I know the one who does.

I am a sinner/saint.

I am rooting for them.

What’s the best part of being a pastor and why?

The best part of being a pastor chooses to use us to accomplish His goodwill, and that goes for all His children.

[dunmerofskyrim]

36

A picture. Picture it.

The Thief steals into the eastern sky and the dawn breaks fast on its stars. In pink and blue, they are the first to drown. And then its attendant stars, and then the whole east.

Colour comes back into the world. It pearls and sapphires on the distant sea. Firstlight and frost shiver on another closer ocean and I sit on its shores. The roofs of Old Ebonheart, blue-black and beginning to glitter.

My knees are hugged to my chest. I am swaddled in all the clothes I own and shivering even so. Coat and mantle of goatskin; motley scarf hooded over and round my head. I’m a son of Skyrim, of sorts, bastard though I might be. I ought to know better, for all I’ve known cold far worse. But I only ever learnt Dunmer ways to deal with Nordic winters. My mother always said to wrap my head and grease my ears else the tips would snap off. But I wonder now if I’d’ve been better served spending longer listening to how Nords weather the cold.

Harsh nightfrosts in Ebonheart now, and harsher all the time. Last night was stiff and stilled with cold, as if the air itself were frozen. The chatter and screak of nix sounded through the dark. And I strained my ears to hear them come closer, then fall away. And I strained my eyes to stare out through the blackness, hugging myself, and hugging myself, and dreaming the night full of things I dared not sleep for dreading.

But even if not for fear, hunger keeps me up, or else it’s the cold. The frost finds its way into every corner, and every fold of my clothing, and between every layer I wear. Quiet at first but louder with time, it makes hungry promises about my toes and fingers. A cold and carrion voice. If dawn wakes me, it’s up from a sleep scarce worth sleeping through. So I sit and watch the sky.

My shelter’s a tall warehouse tower. An island three storeys over everything else nearby. Old Ebonheart was a beautiful city at its height. You can tell that even from its ruins. Cut stone, brick, plaster polished to the sheen of an eggshell, or else painted and engraved. They must’ve thought this tower an eyesore even then. It’s built all of timber and creaks in the slightest breeze. A peaked roof with one corner full-collapsed before I ever got here, and the rest turfed thick with moss.  Some of the walls, too, creep with it. Black, blue-grey, cat-eye green; fur and algae. I like to think it crams the cracks in the walls that would elsewise let the draught in. It can’t be eaten so might as well earn its keep some other way. I give it the best of the doubt.

I sit amongst the cave-in of scattered wooden clinkers from the broken roof. They strew the floor around me. I look out the breach. Inside and all round me is ransack and wreckage. The shatter of boxes and disturbance of dust. I’m not the first to have been here. What was worth taking’s already been gutted. All that was left for me to take was all it had to give. Its emptiness — I laid claim to that a week ago, no ten days ago. In my journal I’ve begun to tally the days off into sevens. It feels a waste of paperspace, of ink, but what am I saving it for now? Tallies and notes. My botched attempts at sketchmaps. I don’t know that it’s much of a diary anymore. I make no records but memory.

Closer and closer the sun throws its light. I’ll move. Make something of the day. When the sun reaches me, then I’ll move. But it’s hard to imagine it. Hungry, limbs leaden with cold, brain slugging from both, it’s hard to imagine a future here. Just this sitting; this waiting for things to get better.

The tiles around my tower start to shimmer. It’s the failings in the stoneware slats that throw out the brightest light. The imperfections and faults, flickerflashing in glints of new colour. Salts, crystals, minerals — forgotten on this city’s roofs, except by the searching sun. And me maybe.

Outside the yurt that night, on the western edge of Senie, Simra lay awake with his thoughts. He was not pleased with his writing. At best it was joyless, like combing out tangles so bad that shears would’ve done the job better. At worst it felt like picking a scab until the old wound ran new red, and picking and picking on after.

He knew the blighted story, so why was it so hard to get straight? So far as how things wove themselves he knew most of all the answers. Winter in Old Ebonheart, and a hunger and a fear that both made a beast of him and made him feel like the only real person left in the world. Then the world seeming to fill as Spring melted the frosts. Other people, beating the beast out of him, with words and looks and living. Taming him again. The city feeling almost like a city. And the Few in Dyer’s End, and Caselif and all that came after.

Simra knew the story. That was rub enough for him: living as proof of it all. And if he was still writing just for himself then maybe it would be easier. But if not for himself then who was he writing for, and what was it he was writing? Memory or story. Truth or lie or legend. What had he done to warrant the latter? Nothing, he thought, and everything — a life full of all that’d filled it, and nothing much more. He’d be twenty-four in Evening Star. Another Evening Star. Why did Winters come round so often? Who writes a memoir at twenty-four?

Washed in red magelight, Simra leant on the spear he’d taken from the Vereansu they’d fought by the stream. Red and strange-grained wood; halfpoint of its haftlength wrapped in leather; iron head like some oracle’s mask or symbol, one spike leaning forwards, the other hooking back. The buttspike – a scribsticker they’d have called it in the South, but why would anyone want to stick a scrib? – was planted in the ground, rusted already and no doubt rusting further in the damp sod. Simra had told himself he’d sell the spear soon as it stopped being useful. It was a pain to walk or ride with; long and bulky, harder to wear than a sword, even with its carrying straps. But he’d not sold it yet.

The yurt behind him was full of sleeping. Tammunei’s breathing, every out and intake a sigh. Noor’s breathing, a loud silence. For all her charms and protections – the starless night sky overhead as she hid them – they’d been shot at this same evening. Ought to have someone on watch, he’d reckoned, and it might just as well be him.

They’d skirted round the townwalls as evening steeped into night. Soon as they came in bowshot, a clatter of arrows sheared down to tell them so. All but silent until they stuck black lines into the turf and sent the two guar rearing and shying. Warning shots, Simra reckoned, or else they’d have struck their marks. When he’d looked up to the walls he saw lights moving, hurrying atop them: a squabble of archers, debating another volley. Best to fall out of range again before they could reach a verdict.

The walls skirted all the way round. Senie was more fort than town, perched on high ground at the fork of two rivers. It made sense. A hardhold to guard the Plains from what lay east of them, and this valley from what lived on the plains. Something to play sentinel over all who’d ford the river here. What spoilt the sense of it all were the empty fields, the manned walls, the arrows from out the night sky. Closed gates, no doubt. What were they warding off?

They travelled as far in the dark as they dared and pitched camp beside the river. A haze of lights had shown gold in the distance, arrayed on the water’s far side. Trust in dawn to put the night’s happenings together, make sense of them, or so Simra had decided. But the night was too full of questions to let the answer of sleep suffice.

Simra’s mind fell and filled with noise. Like the sound of cicadas, harping senseless in a hot and Summer dark. He shifted his weight between the cold lumps of his booted feet. Almost laughed aloud. A helpless cough of almost-laughter. What kind of prick writes a memoir at twenty-four? It was embarrassing. Hard to tell what he wanted more: to write again, starting over, or to have never started at all.

Uprooting the spear, Simra walked a few pointless steps, then circled round the yurt. One of the guar reached its neck out long and twisted it to look back along its haunches with one cattle-gentle eye. It narrowed a slit pupil against his light; focused on him, then focused on nothing. A translucent lid veiled over its eye as it slipped partway into sleep. Simra wondered if it was still watching though, wary through the lid that clouded its eye more than closed it. A prey beast’s hunted half-sleep. Clever trick if you can do it, he thought. It’d save him his old trick with the kettle, the stone, the palm held closed around it, hanging ready above the other.

He’d asked once, and asked it to someone who ought to know: Why did Saint Vivec write the Sermons? He’d put on his best pious voice; the eager curiosity of ignorance. He’d gone by the name of Lyros then, and that was how Lyros spoke, at least to Meris. Sharp but unpolished, Lyros. Learning, but always humble enough to know there was more to learn. So why write the Sermons?

And Meris had said to him – to Lyros – Why write the Sermons at all, or why write them the way they are written?

Both, he’d said. It had been Spring then. The season’s high crux where Summer shows in at the seams of things, hot and turning the morning mists, heavy and warm as steam, to dust. But Meris’ library was a buried place, half-sunk beneath Suran, and even that afternoon it was cool, and full of the silence of books. Both, he’d said, and neither. Why did Saint Vivec write so much about himself, and so little of it believable?

Saint Vivec was a saint, Meris had answered. Do you know what a saint is? (Of course he knew what a blighted saint was, but she’d tell him anyway.) Someone, she’d said, who in death, is an ancestor not just to their line, but to all Dunmer of faith. Someone, she’d said, who led a life from which others would do well to learn.

Then why tangle it all up? Wrap all the facts in metaphor so tight their truths are muffled. Or hidden. The egg and the simulacrum? It can’t be true.

Vivec lies, Meris said with a shrug and patient smile. There are some in my order who’d say he tells falsehoods to hide the falseness of his godhead. I prefer a more clement reading. Vivec lies to remind the Dunmer of the lessons Black-Hands Mephala once taught us. Words define truth. Lies become stories, and how do we know the world except by tales we tell each other, and tales we tell ourselves? Vivec was born a wretched thing, and lowly. He knew that to be all he could, he would have to change what he had been.

So the Sermons… They change that, and they teach us about the power there is in doing so?

And Meris had answered: If you are to be born a ruling king of the world you must confuse it with new words. The sermons open with the egg, and they too are the egg. A rebirth.

Simra breathed on his fingers now and flexed them, stretching the stiffness from them. They fanned before his eyes. The outer blade of his right palm, bandaged, black with ink, and for what? To tell it aloud and abroad, singular and clear — hadn’t that been his intention, before he’d ever started this mess? But his past, too, was a mess of pasts, and the signs of his passing left in his wake were a scattered seeding of stories, reputations, rumours. The deeds of false names; false mer who’d looked a little like him, in the right light, the right place, the right time.

Bring it all together. Harvest what you’ve sown, Simra. Own it again. Be all you’ve been. Maybe you’ll even learn to live with it. Like flesh slowly swallows the splinter you can’t unstick if only you stop fucking picking at it. Let scab turn to scar.

He unwrapped the bandage on his hand. Outermost three fingers pale and bloodless; scarred to the knuckle and in streaks across his palm, above and below. Who writes a memoir at twenty-four? he thought again, and thought he knew the answer. Someone born wretched, who had lived wretchedly, and lived now with all that defining him. Define him, would it? He’d define it right back. In writing, rewrite it. Not to correct or undo, but to set it straight, and all in his name. Simrin, Katharas, Lyros, Nimmun — all unravelled at the stroke of a pen, till only Simra was left.

He stabbed the spearbutt once more into the ground to stand it there. Crouched and laid his hands to the grass. A muttered calling, and the frost began to melt, the grass to dry and cinder. He sat. Put his satchel over his lap and brought out paper, ink. Began again to write.

“Time to get up,” I say, and do nothing.

Instead I think about the Nords in northern Skyrim who stitch themselves into their Winter clothes – their furs and wools and fleeces – and only bathe again when Spring melts the ice on the ocean. And I think about the coiled copper snake on my left forearm, sinking the pattern of its scales slow into my skin.

Take myself by surprise, that’s the only way. I lurch backward and into my shelter, to go through my things.

On a stand of scavenged rooftiles sits the cast-iron pot I found. I hauled it on a rope up the side of the tower. I did the same with the tiles, filling my gathersack with them and pulling and pulling it, hand over hand, til I could empty and arrange them onto the floor. Four days ago I boiled three racer’s eggs in the pot. Took them from their nest, four streets over. Heated the water with magicka, expending myself til I started to sweat, ache in my head and joints and the pit of my stomach. I didn’t dare brave the smoke of a cookfire. I ate the eggs with salt — nothing else after all to save it for. Nearby, the rags and clothes I bed down in.

I fetch my waterskin from amongst my bags. I tilt it over my mouth and wring a few drops from it.

“You’ll need to go out,” I say. “No food. Last of your water. Best go out.” I speak patois when I’m alone. The Grey Quarter’s hybrid tongue. Not my mothertongue, but the tongue that raised me all the same.

Over my shoulder, smoketrails go up from the city’s overscape. The others are cooking breakfast. The countless others I share this city with, as I try best I can to live beneath their notice. I wonder sometimes: Would they help me if they knew I was here? The answer’s the same, I suppose, to whether I’d help them. So I stay hidden, stay clear, and scavenge and ragpick my way through the city, in fear of sight, of sound — any break in my aloneness.

Down then, by rope and scrabbling feet. Stomach growling, I make towards the nearest trail of smoke. Rooftops and wreckage. Through the shattered top of what once was a glassgarden, I smell meat, the sizzle-sweetness of frying fat. And if ever I had a choice to turn back before, it’s gone now: the first thing my hunger’s devoured in days.