#i just wanna feel normal in my interactions w/ppl :( | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

britneyshakespeare · 5 months

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i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.

the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.

and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.

when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.

i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.

i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!

because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?

in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.

like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.

i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.

and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.

i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.

i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.

i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.

but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.

that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.

#tales from diana #long post #sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness #and idk. im tired. im so tired #do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not #thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation #not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again #that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para #i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth #i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to #'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on #the indignity of that!#i already feel undignified enough.#and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god #i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him #like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do #earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said #that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild #my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak #like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior #i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task #and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did #i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly #like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW #that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer #a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively #that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him

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spaciebabie · 2 years

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okay i was gonna make a long winded post abt how being autistic and aplatonic fucks up any semblence of connectedness i am able ta feel w/my fellow humans but i got tired so let me just shorten it ta say:

when u dont feel motiv for friend make and u bad at making frend as well life! is hell at times. blah blah blah i feel abnormal all the time something something i am aware i do not socialize "normally" like others and it makes me self concious. blah blah blah sometimes i wish i could feel how alloplatonics feel. end post.

#vent #there's nothing wrong w/being apl or autistic its just my brain is being particularly mean rn #this is very. bare bones compared ta the orig post. but it was a lot of words and i wasnt conveying how i wanted #tldr? wall. imagine a wall between u and every person who u consider a friend.#the wall only goes away after fulfilling certain criteria.#u dont kno the criteria. u will feel disconnected from them until the wall goes away.#when will it go away? well.#something something ppl notice when i dont talk ta others and put me on the spot #making me extremely uncomfy #feeling very othered. actually have been dealing w/this feeling for years sigh #when do it end!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i just wanna feel normal in my interactions w/ppl :(#i dont even WANT more friends i just feel weird i dont have that many irl!!!!#screaming inta my pillow #i just needed ta yell inta the void

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g0thsoojin · 2 months

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🩸

#like i wanna be in love and be obsessed w eo #i wanna cut ourselves together. i cut them and they cut me and then we mix our blood together #i wanna wear a vial with their blood around my neck and i want them to have one of mine #u cant do this with 'normal' ppl lmao #and most ppl wouldnt really do this anyway like this is very rare to actually have irl #and ofc at least for me i have to love them deeply to wanna do this #:(((( and i just feel that way w him #and also i never wanted or thought abt it #but he talked once abt fantasizing abt branding me #and then i started to think abt that too.. being branded by HIM???#being so precious and important and loved by him that he'd brand me??? :((((#god... want that so bad #and also it's not only connected to me but it's smth he wants to do #but he wants to tattoo his love's name on his cock #and i mean we were that close that he wrote my name on his dick and sent me a pic #so ... yeah this is def not onesided and in my head as i've been told 💀#and plus.... he isnt the lying type like i genuinely believe he doesnt lie #he mostly just dont say anything at all rather than lies #but i know u can never truly know even if u trust someone #but he told me he hadnt even written anyone's name on him and mine was the first time #(i think he said this now i start doubting myself maybe he never wrote that.. i can just check but dont wanna open our messages lol)#so... yeah. all of this hurts so bad #bc he did want me and have these feelings for me #i just fucked up and pulled away and was distant and made him think i didnt care for him #i made him feel like he didnt matter. and when i look at it in hindsight i actually get it #i agree. my disorders makes it so scary and hard for me to express and show i care #i shouldve interacted w his blogs as i wanted to #i shouldve replied and sent asks and gushed abt him which i wanted to do #i shouldve messaged him all the things i wanted #i shouldved gushed abt him on my blog (instead of only talking abt how nobody cares abt me and how lonely i am

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snekdood · 7 months

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i feel like u shouldnt be allowed to say someone has an ideology if they dont even know wtf you're talking about

#idk maybe they came to their conclusions on their own and are more malleable than you think #like if you call me x thing and idek wtf you even really mean when you say it i kinda feel like you dont get to treat me as if im loyal #to some sort of ideology or internet community. clearly ive never interacted w others on this.#kinda puts a huge hole in your narrative for that person.#if they arent being influenced by some niche internet communty- instead of getting mad at them for not being what you wanna accuse them for #(yknow. instead of being mad at yourself for making assumptions 😒)#maybe try investigating why someone whos virtually a normie came to that conclusion and understand how underlying a lot of #ideologies are in a lot of shit.#you should be concerned that a normie is absorbing that kinda shit from normal-seeming sources #rather than assume theyre actively talking to a bunch of ppl online w those ideologies #bc i can tell you for sure- in my particular situation of my abuser accusing me of a bunch of shit- i havent talked to anyone about any #of my beliefs for shit #and if i did they were usually ppl who disagreed with me #my ass never joined any forums. never interacted w anyone w similar beliefs online. just watched videos or read articles.#be more concerned that theres ideologically-laced media being pushed to normies than getting mad at me about it #hey yknow what mati maybe if you focused on that and tried to tackle that situation you'd be more of a productive leftist!#instead of you know. trying to obliterate me from the internet bc god forbid someone hate you for your actions you refuse to acknowledge #ask me how ik its all performative holier than thou shit instead of genuine fucks being given to people effected by such beliefs.#though tbh- i am being VERY charitable with the idea my abuser knows wtf any of the things they accused me of actually means #i think its more like a. vague understanding. rather than actually getting it at all.#and i mean obviously i didn't know what they meant much either. still knew more than them. otherwise they wouldnt call me that shit #unless- no... you dont think--- maybe they were lying??? *gasp* who could've seen that coming !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!! !#my abuser using the most buzzwordsy language to appeal to people who rely on buzzwordsy language for all the info they get???#instead of actually looking into the situation at all????? couldnt be.#u really think someone would do that??? just go on the internet and lie to people who for some reason they've gained the undying #trust of no doubt by being the most performative mf online?#vent

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frecklystars · 7 days

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i still feel absolutely fucking nothing for my f/os and im so depressed and i wanna die and my birthday is friday and i hate my birthday and i just. rahh. i wanna self ship again. thats it!! i just wanna self ship again thats literally all i want to do!! but instead ive been in and out of the hospital every couple of weeks bc i'm having so many panic attacks that make me feel like im going to die

i am so fucked up from all the bullshit i was put through these last 2 years that i cannot fucking function, i am so paranoid all the time that anyone who interacts with me is out to get me because they [redacted reasons i cannot publicly state]. it doesnt matter if ive known someone for 1 day or 10 years, i dont trust anyone online anymore. i dont trust anyone who's nice to me because so many times it was people with malicious intentions. i dont fucking trust any TF blogs, ive been blocking any TF blog who interacts with me On Sight from all the shit that ppl from that fandom put me through.

there's 600 new inbox messages now and i havent opened any of them. people are sending me dms every single day and i havent opened any of them. i hate that my distrust towards irl people has bled into self shipping and now i am just Too Depressed to self ship. it is my anniversary w/ a character who's supposed to be such a comfort to me today and i feel Nothing. driver used to be Everything to me. driver used to make me feel so comfortable and safe. i feel so numb when i look at my f/os, there is just nothing there. it is my birthday soon and i should be so proud of myself for fighting through all the bullshit my abuser has thrown at me but i feel Nothing. self shipping used to help me at least cope with the depression. i just want to have my comfort characters again. thats it. i wouldnt care how many people are trying to kill me or stalk me or attack me if i just had my f/os to help me cope thru all of it

i genuinely think i'd feel better if i tried to be online and make edits and draw more and interact with the sweet people in my inbox. i used to feel so so so much better when people would send me nice asks, F/O reassurance, fics, fanart, etc etc but at the same time i will see a nice ask and immediately believe "oh. this is a trap. this person is going to pretend to be nice to me, try to get closer, but it's a trap" based off of MULTIPLE traumatic events my abuser put me through the last 2 years. this is such an unhealthy mindset to have, to not trust anyone kind to me, and i wish i knew how to turn it off. ive never been paranoid like this, ever, until a series of events happened this entire last 2 years and i just. i cannot fucking trust anyone on this stupid website, my god, someone sends me "hi keri! how is your day?" and my brain is like "oh hey look out, that person is pretending to be nice to you but they're actually trying to harm you!!" i will look at a group of online friends i've had for OVER a DECADE and that paranoid voice in the back of my head who worries from experience "oh cool this person is after me now. this person is out to betray me. this person wants to hurt me. it doesnt matter if we've been best friends since childhood, this person absolutely is out to get me now"

i hate everything i was put through these last 2 years and especially these last few months, one day im gonna spill my guts and tell everyone what has been happening to me bc its so goddamn unfair what ive been put through day after day, and i am sick of letting all of it fester in me without being able to tell anyone whats going on. i dont even know if its still ongoing rn bc every time i think "oh, maybe it's over" it just fires back up again. the stalking, the harassing, dude dont even get me started on the fucking stalking, do you know how fucking Not Normal these people are who have been trying to physically harm me irl and online? do you know how fucking psychotic someone has to be to spend YEARS of their life trying to make me miserable when i dont even know these ppl, im just fucking sitting here? the stupidest goddamn shit possible. i have never met these ppl in my life but they're following the orders of someone else and just. being fucking insane. if you knew what someone was putting me through, what a large group of toxic disgusting people have been putting me through these last 2 years, you wouldn't even fathom how dangerous it's been and how shitty it's been. ive had to call the police on a few of these people. you have no fucking clue what i've been going through and how exhausting it is to feel so unsafe every single second that you're alive. this shit eats at me constantly. i don't get any peace of mind. i think one day this really will kill me but at least i won't have to deal with it anymore if i'm dead. and!! i hate that i have that mindset! i hate that every time i drive to work, i hope beyond hope that a car is going to obliterate me. that isnt normal!! i should not be hoping to die!! but genuinely i dont think im ever going to be safe ever again and im so tired of dealing with this fear every single second every single day for years. years!!!! every second!!! every single second im awake i am fucking stressed out of my goddamn mind!!!!

months ago, i queued so much driver stuff for today, and i almost want to delete all of it bc its so. useless. dude i feel Nothing for my f/os. i feel unsafe with my f/os because i feel so unsafe with 99% of the people i interact with online because of all the horrible things ive been put through all this time. it's all pointless. i dont know if im ever really going to come back to blogging regularly. i just wake up, i go to work, i have panic attacks and i throw up, and then i go to sleep. sometimes i come here to vent and then refill my queue, but what is the point of refilling my queue anymore tbh. i keep trying to go through the motions to see if i can reclaim self shipping one day and then i can just bounce back, but god its been several months and ijust cant do it. i cant wait for this to kill me, ic ant wait for this to finally make me snap bc im so so sick of going through this every day. im tired

whatever ill delete this later and it wont even matter lol what else is new. keri makes another vent post about feeling depressed and unsafe. fork found in kitchen or whatever

#delete later

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 7 months

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Haiii i wanted to know how u would feel abt my own current situation or life rn since i think ur pretty wise... im kinda rlly emotionless and struggle w it but i am in college and have no social life except close family but am rlly close to group of online friends :3 im not asking for help but i just wanna know how someone else would think

forgot to answer this when u sent it the other day, gomen anon <3 ur situation is very similar to mine. due to several factors such as my introverted personality & moving around so much all throughout my life, i have only 1 irl friend rn, and we are also in love, so it feels different than a regular friendship. however i have a lot of ppl im close to online. for my entire 20s i felt like this was a huge character flaw of mine but i,m seeing it differently these days.

even when i was a child i loved being alone, my mom always remarks that she found it strange the way i never needed anything from anyone around me, completely able to occupy myself w my imagination & playing alone. versus my sister who was very needy & clung to everyone like glue. people just have different temperments. there's a lot of societal pressure to fit in & be popular, which leaves the loner types feeling inadequate like there must be something missing from their life.

but every time i try to insert myself into the real world & make friends it doesnt turn out that great. usually leaves me wishing i hadn;t even tried in the first place. its hard for me to connect. i dont think that makes us emotionless </3 i just have a lot of walls that idk how to bring down. online it's easier for me to act like "myself". so i end up attracting ppl who resonate with the real me, vs. irl where i have trouble not falling into the same old routines of masking. i do enjoy irl interaction with people, but its hard for me to form deeper friendships that way.

tldr; everyone is different so just do what feels right, if ur content with the way things r dont change it just because its not "Normal" <3. -PMD9

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cubedmango · 7 months

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hi!! i just wanted to let you know that i started reading cherry magic in july last year after seeing the anime announced on toyota-sensei's twitter! i couldn't even rlly translate the announcement myself without the help of google translate LMAO but her illustration of them looked so sweet i had to snoop around. more than half a year later. i am no longer normal and my brain is fully rotted over and i think of those two nearly every waking moment!! your art, along with so many others feeds me and your translations are So Appreciated thank you for doing gods work. i usually don't get super involved in fandom or w/e other than consuming fanart or fics so the fact i find myself actually drawing them is so new to me...idk cherry magic really is so refreshing and it's just nice as an adult to see a mature relationship between two working adults. there are callbacks to childhood or childlike behaviors or interests sprinkled throughout the manga's dialogue and i always appreciated how they weren't seen as embarrassing or immature to embrace or learn from as an adult, but encouraged or seen as a valuable part of balancing work, life, and love. idk it's def one of the more subtle and less expanded upon parts of it but i love how adachi's and kurosawa's love of manga, though seen as a children's activity (from how kurosawa thought people saw it) was actually one of their first mutual hobbies. it's also interesting to see how many things about kurosawa's psyche are remnants of ideas probably for a lack of better wording, were taught to him from an early age. his self-image, how he tries to uphold certain societal standards, etc etc. im glad he found refuge in adachi that way. im sorry for rambling for so long but i've just been thinking about these two so much ldks

anon pls u never have to apologize for rambling abt my fav guys of all time, u should actually talk w me about them more i want to hear ur thoughts !! the eng speaking fandom isnt that big (or at least i dont get to interact w a lot of ppl personally) but its fun making art and doing the translations for my blorbos so im happy other ppl enjoy it too 🥺

and yess everything u said abt the childlike/immature stuff krdc enjoy like the fact that their interest in manga and stuff is never made fun of or anything (which would be ironic anyway since theyre In a manga themselves fdkjskf) but actually one of the things that gets them closer is So good augh?? (also spoilers for the radio drama if u havent seen it yet, but to me one of the best changes they made was changing the port scenes setting to an anime con instead like Yeah!! theyre little nerd guys of course theyd attend a con!!!! that plus how they both like watching animated movies and playing games too like its a very specific thing to Me but that relatability w stuff i do myself makes them both feel a lot more human? if that makes sense)

also w kurosawas whole deal its Definitely a longterm thing hes had for a while, and in canon its mostly been his friendships/relationships that affected him (probs the most clear in ch45 my beloved) but from the way the meeting w his parents went theres for sure a lot of parental/family pressure involved too?? this is going into hc territory but i have like a whole Thing brewing in my head about kurosawas and maris relations w their parents and how that affected their self image and all growing up too and i rlly wanna make stuff for it someday (idk if anyone would be interested but id probably do it regardless so fkdjksjfk)

#the full idea actually is for a whole mari spinoff as like a fic or smth bc i care her immensely . but that is ambitious even for me lol #i have Thoughts about these siblings though like their issues intrigue me so bad. so much wrong w them i need to pick apart #and similarly w adachi being a child of divorce like! thats got to have influenced him right. i Have To Know #i think about these charas a normal amount as u can tell 👍#my answer

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aspiring-holistic-otaku · 7 months

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Season 3 Ramble#2 - “romance" lol ver.3

This month’s episode is all about romance, the third time around now and somehow I find myself with yet another tweak in format. Guess that just goes to show that love comes in many forms. In any case this month’s format isn’t that different from last time. I’ve still split my reads into 3 categories, the main difference is that the categories themselves have changed. Last time it was cute stuff, fucked up stuff and lewd stuff, this time I still have the cute category but I've switched out the other two based on this month’s reads, which I'll explain as we get to them.

So basically how this episode is gonna go is I'm gonna give my top reads this month in ascending order for each of those categories and then my top 1 reads before this month for the same.

Getting right into it the first category up is

Awww {basically v cute v innocent stuff}

#3) The Ice Guy and His Cool Female Colleague (ongoing w 57 chapters, story & art by Miyuki Tonogaya)

This is an extremely simple but extremely cute story. The title pretty much summarizes it actually, the main character is the descendant of an ice demon, which is apparently not too strange in this world since he works a normal office job,,, and he has a crush on his cool, stoic, almost expressionless female colleague.

It's a pretty neat take on slow burns because one it's pointedly ice related, and secondly the ice guy’s emotions affect his environment, like if he gets too excited there'll be a blizzard or tiny snowmen will appear.. If you've ever had a crush on someone you know it's already hard enough to act natural or “be cool" so this guy has a pretty rough go of it.

The art is pretty nice but the characters, especially the wider cast leaves more than a bit to be desired. It actually almost kinda feels like the creator really just wanted to focus on the main two but the editor was like,, that's not how the real world works, especially not in an office... I do appreciate though that some of the wider cast includes different types of demons and it’s fun to see the different ways their emotions leak out, the different pairings, and so on.

As I said it’s an extremely simple story, almost feels like a 4 panel tbh, nothing I'd push too hard but it’s undeniably cute and makes for a super easy binge read or just something to pick up from time to time to escape the harshness of reality and indulge in the very cute but very absurd fantasy of a successful workplace romance… I think more than a few ppl have that one coworker you would if you could… but no… just no… leave it alone… leave it in fiction land my friend…

#2) Skip and Loafer (ongoing w 58 chapters, story & art by Misaki Takamatsu)

The story here follows our main heroine, a real go getter, who moved from the countryside to big city Tokyo for highschool, all so she could follow her dreams of being a politician and help out in rural areas around the country. Anyways she’s characterized as not being great at much else but studying, and in that spirit, gets lost on the way to her entrance ceremony. Here enters our main hero who’s also late but for the opposite reason, he’s super laid back, slept late and was considering just skipping but he felt sorry for this obviously lost but obviously trying girl so he decides to help her out and the story takes off from there.

Just wanna get out of the way that I love all the characters and their interactions with each other and especially within themselves. If anything, that's this manga’s strongest point. It makes the characters ooze real feelings that really feels in place for each where they are. Like not too dramatic where you wonder if they’re really highschool kids or even in school for that matter, and not too fantasy like where everything is perfect and it’s almost like characters are machines just filling a roll.

It kicks off pretty early on with engaging character interactions and the way they change and develop as the main cast gets to know each other is really endearing. I especially really really love the main heroine because she’s that innocent character type but it’s not done in that way that makes her this pure cinnamon roll that’s too good for this world, where nothing gets her down or she chooses peace and love every time. Her thing is that she’s basically socially inept and so she doesn’t really get when people are mean or even when they're being nice sometimes, but she’s all by herself in this new place so she’s trying and though she doesn’t always get it, it’s a real pleasure to see her grow.

It’s ongoing, only 58 chapters but there’s been a ton of realness and real growth in a bunch of ways for most of the cast packed in so far. Really can’t wait to see where it goes from here.

Anyways, cool art, great cast, love the interactions and would definitely highly recommend this one.

#1) Horimiya (complete w 152 chapters, story by HERO & art by Daisuke Hagiwara)

The story here is that the main hero/heroine pair each have a hidden side to them that nobody else knows. At school, the heroine is always super put together but when she’s at home she’s too busy taking care of her little brother for all that and takes on a more homely caretaker persona (the art is shoujo leaning so she and most of the main cast pretty much always looks pretty). But anyways, at school, the hero is seen as a gloomy glasses wearing loner but when he leaves school he looks like he came out of a rock magazine. Tattoos and piercings everywhere. Anyways, this and that happens, the convenient plot is convenient and they end up becoming friends who hold each other’s secrets.

As much as the story kinda feels like shoujo perfect world fantasy stuff, and as much as it came out as top 1 largely because it’s complete, I think a small part of it might have been that a tiny part of me still wants to believe in, and might even still want that kind of “perfect” love. From the innocent buildup to the accumulation of every day special normals and beyond… but in any case, I did honestly like the theme of more and more of your true self coming to the surface and being able to show that true self to someone.

Overall, besides the main pairing, the cast was kinda weak, not bad, just pretty one dimensional But that one dimension was very cute and fluffy and this being a romance manga, it worked. What I will say though is that it took a while for the wider cast to come into play and even more for them to make me care, like not until late 50s heading into 70s did i care about anyone but the main pairing. Meanwhile skip and loafer only has about 50 chapters total and I was fully invested in the entire cast well before then.

But as I said, when the full horimiya cast rolls in it’s all very cute and I liked that they even made the platonic same sex relations pretty cute like yh guys just having fun and it’s not weirdly pervy in any direction, just another form of love yk.. v cool… Again it did have me yearning a bit like wow imagine having a life with both platonic AND romantic relationships being healthy and fulfilling.

Anywho,, pretty neat art, the story kinda just goes on ig but having in mind that it was a romance and it goes on in an increasingly cute way and all, i’d recommend it.

hm:

Even the Introverted Gals Wanna Get Out There! - pretty funny, maybe more funny than cute, also it’s girl on girl, think dead dead demon’s destruction but the main heroines actually get to live life and breath air, literally just vibing out in the club room after school (ongoing w about 6 chaps)

Train Man - Net Development, the Love Story of a Local Train: based on a true story apparently, basically a dude saves some people on a train and becomes friends with one of them and stuff take off from there (complete w 27 chapters)

ftr everything in the main list has an anime but i can’t speak on their status or quality

also ftr I'd definitely rate skip and loafer higher than horimiya overall but because this is the cuteness category, + horimiya is a complete story which I tend to favour for higher places in lists and stuff

next category up is

Dense & Denser

{this is basically when one or more of the characters are just oblivious to any love flags thrown their way}

#2) How to Raise a Boring Girlfriend (complete w 42 chapters, story & art by Takeshi Moriki, original LN story by Fumiaki Maruto)

Had never heard of this one before but the title pulled me in like how and why would one raise a boring girlfriend anyways?

The story here is that on the way to school the mc has an encounter with a mystery girl and it’s love at first sight, even though he didn’t see her face…. The mc is an anime/manga otaku much like myself, and this encounter inspires him to make a dating sim game, but after he happens to actually meet the mystery girl face to face, he finds that she’s actually kind of plain,, albeit in a cute sort of way. In any case the feeling of their first mystery meeting lives on so he pushes through with his idea, intending to transform this girl into his ideal heroine. The main story, relations and problems arise around him trying to get the dev team together for this game, and of course this being romance they’re all girls.

It’s all very funny in a very meta way, with commentary on anime/manga culture in most chapters, and the so called main heroine, being outside that culture, usually playing a very good straight man. It’s also meta in how the mc goes about getting his dev team together, as i said they’re all girls so it’s almost like his life becomes a dating sim in trying to woo them into his harem… i mean game dev team…

In any case I’m not even actually sure the mc really counts as romantically dense or if he was just so committed to the bit of being a single weeb undeserving of love that he just pretended not to notice all the pretty loud romantic undertones,,, but maybe that's a type of density in itself… a younger me can def relate… being committed to the bit is a lifestyle… bed is bae… anyways it’s kind of ecchi but still surprisingly good in both the romance and meta aspects. Pretty good art, they made a decision to keep the cast compact and it worked out very nicely. It wraps up in just under 50 chapters but I will say each chapter is pretty dense and can be a bit word heavy. Would recommend.

#1) Monthly Girls’ Nozaki (ongoing w 148 chapters, story & art by Izumi Tsubaki)

This story follows our main heroine as she tries to get the attention of her crush, who is our mc. In approaching him she finds out he’s actually her favourite romance manga creator and through this and that ends up working on it with him as an assistant to try and get closer to him.

Right off the bat I think everyone in this cast is pretty dense but man is the main hero just the most dense mf in the universe. I feel sorry for the main heroine cause she knows but she’s just so down bad for him she kinda becomes dense to how down bad she is. In any case every chapter takes the form of a series of connected 4 panel stories and it’s pretty funny throughout.

The wider cast is pretty neat, nothing too crazy but as i said they’re all pretty dense in their own weird ways so the interactions are usually funny. The art is solid, cast is okay, pretty funny, would recommend for sure.

ftr both have an anime not sure of status or quality

and again ftr i’d rank boring girlfriend over monthly girls’ in general, especially as it’s complete it’s just that this is the dense & denser category and monthly girls’ nozaki is definitely dense central, like black hole event horizon density my friends…

and the last category

That’s Rough Buddy

{a direct reference to avatar when sokka told prince zuko his girlfriend turned into the moon and his response was “that’s rough buddy”, this category is different from the that’s fucked up category I used in very.2 in that these focus more on emotional turmoil and have no physical violence and so on}

#3) Kowloon Generic Romance (ongoing w 61 chapters, story & art by Jun Mayuzuki)

This is kind of eh tbh, cool art, and it’s kind of a mystery as to what’s goin on, so much so that I don’t think I can describe it without spoiling so i’ll lean on the anilist/yen press summary a bit here which is as follows:

“Welcome to Kowloon Walled City: a dystopian townscape where the people are brimming with nostalgia, and where the past, present, and future converge. Amid the hidden emotions and extraordinary daily lives of the men and women working in its confines, a tale of romance begins to unfold for real estate agent Reiko Kujirai—one that feels as familiar as Kowloon itself…”

I doubt that told you anything but I hope it sparks some intrigue, I will say it has a good number of dope one liners, and if i’m being honest the main characters smoke a lot which is an aesthetic I love for some reason so sue me…

Not much else to say tbh, nice art as I said, it’s pretty cool, okay cast, the story is pulling a bit but the bait isn’t that strong, though the aesthetics of it all has definitely caught my eye so I will be keeping up with it after this month… i wouldn’t push it as a recommendation that hard but there’s only 61 chapters rn so no real loss if you do decide to check it out

#2) How Do We Relationship? (ongoing w 115 chapters, story & art by tamifull)

The story here is that the main heroines are gay and in reality no matter how much the media and conservatives want ppl to believe that homosexuality and homosexuals are accepted and normalized in society, in fact that anything but being heterosexual and cisgender passing is accepted & normalized, that’s simply not the case in real life. I live in jamaica and man, not that I really care, but I could get shunned just for reading stuff with gays in it… In any case that’s the sort of reality the main heroines live in which was cool for its realness as they were/are hiding the fact that they're gay, but in any case plot plot plot they end up going out….

This is the “that’s rough buddy” category so I think it’s okay to spoil that it doesn’t go smoothly though I won’t go into further detail. I will mention a really cool thing the author said in an afterword where they say that a lot of romance stories tend to build towards and end at the start of the main characters getting into a relationship, but life isn’t like that. There’s life after that and that’s sort of what they wanted to illustrate. The life after a relationship…. Sounds like a spoiler but remember there’s more than just our heroines in the story. there’s a whole wider cast and they’re all pretty great. each having their own relationship troubles or lack thereof, ideas and philosophies on love and etc.

Pretty solid art, in fact it really reminds me of yokohama shopping log, so much so that i’m convinced it’s a fanfiction created just to make the characters from that series actually full on gay. Pretty solid cast, a story that gets more and more engaging as it goes on though it’s pretty solid from the start. would definitely highly recommend though it can be a bit tumultuous like damn you guys just never gonna be stable huh??

#1) Chobits (complete w 88 chapters, story & art by CLAMP an all woman manga group formed in the mid 1980s made of Nanase Ohkawa, Mokona, Tsubaki Nekoi and Satsuki lgarashi)

I’d always seen this around and always as the profile picture for some more than suspicious internet accounts… the vibe it gave off in my periphery view was just horrendous tbh but i took the dive and it was worth it, obviously, coming in at #1.

The story here is that in the future, the world is inhabited by humans who live alongside their extremely powerful computers called persocoms, that are shaped to look and act almost human. numerous stories have taken this angle so I think you can imagine the effects that would have on society, but in any case the story follows our mc who recently moved from the countryside to the city and ends up finding one in the trash that he takes in and starts to take care of. The thing is their memory is corrupted so he has to teach them everything, but soon enough the mystery of the discarded persocom comes to light and their abilities could change the world.

All that pompous stuff aside the theme of discerning the shape of love and who deserves it was pretty cool, the mc was bleh and so was most of the cast but the last few chapters and the questions they posed were enough, especially the origin story of the persocom like damn… that’s rough as fuck buddy,, def kinda weird but my condolences all the same…. Art was okay… and yh i’d recommend it..

hm:

Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai

Top Combo

Video Girl Ai (complete w 131 chapters, story & art by Masakazu Katsura)

This was probably my fav read this month, somewhere between this, boring girlfriend and skip & loafer but this definitely has the best combinations of the different categories I was working with this month.

Again this is something I'd seen floating around for the longest and associated with more than sus accounts but it was pretty good.

The lazy story is that the mc is a lame with no game and his crush ends up confessing to his best friend in front of him. obviously distraught he ends up renting what he thinks is a porn tape.. which I guess it technically is but it's supernatural in that the girl comes out of the TV and tries to mend the viewers’ heart.

Things get super complicated and it turns into the weirdest love polygon I've ever seen, lots of back and forth and dilly dallying but I enjoyed it. The art was great, had a great classic feel, there's more than a bit of ecchi but it's not entirely distasteful or weirdly out of context, the characters and their interactions were a bit exasperating with the back and forth, loves me loves me not stuff but that had its own entertainment value, and in any case I'd recommend it

now moving onto stuff from before this month, which I won't get into details for as I've spoken on them in previous versions which I'm encouraging you to go listen to or read the transcripts for,,

Oldies

Awww

Our Precious Conversations (top 1 oldie ver.1)

Dense & Denser

That's Rough Buddy

Hi Score Girl (top 1 ver. 2)

Boy's Abyss (top2 wtf ver. 1)

That's it for this part, got a little off cuff rambling in the rest of the ramble of you wanna listen in, thanks for checking this out as usual, hope you can find something here or elsewhere that you'll love and I hope you have a good one until next time 🍻

#just another day #mm..manga #writeup #the ice guy and his cool female colleague #skip and loafer #horimiya #how to raise a boring girlfriend #monthly girls' nozaki kun #kowloon generic romance #how do we relationship?#chobits #Spotify

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j2zara · 2 months

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what if. j2 j3 and j4 all had uniquely terrible days due to a chain of events. j4 had to interact w porter for an extended period of time because j3 was busy helping jace (and jace spent the whole time yelling at j3 because. well. j3 is jace's least favorite.) because j2 could not get out of bed bc he was so miserable after his night being the jaceporter third. and theyre all so rattled and miserable that theyre like. should we fuck. it probably wont make it better but surely it cant make it worse

god j4 having to interact w/ Porter for an extended period of time b/c the other two are out of commission... her NIGHTMARE SCENARIO...

also i love that combined w/ my kinda Off Day im laughing bc im like i love that this is where ur heads at and i won't complain... so real tho like fucking won't fix the problem but it definitely wont make it WORSE.. something something its a bold strategy cotton lets see if they pull it off...

Just looking at this and this rly is the toxic cocktail day huh. And J2 doesn't even really get why he feels so miserable b/c he should be happy about this, right? He got what he wanted which was more than the other clones get. I do think even tho J3 had a bad fuckin day and he's typically kinda bad at taking initiative and his solution to literally everything in the world is like strip b/c its time to fuck or die, I do think he comes home and sees how miserable J2 is after he's done kinda snapping at him for sitting around and how he had to pick up the slack he's like oh. He's like. Really not on it today. In instead of his go to response being a little freak he just kinda holds J2 for a little while and it's really nice and it does make j2 feel better. It kinda surprises everyone that J3 knows how to pull out a massage for him while J2 just kinda lays there n groans (n tries to be normal abt it but honestly. Is maybe kinda turned on) n its like hey what i can put the work in sometimes.

and it's rly with no ulterior motive at all (b/c when j3 proposes other ppl take shit out on him he almost always does want to get something out of it too) when J3's like hey if you feel bad you can take it out on me. Its like. the only thing he knows so that's what he suggests. (and he literally he just got a fraction of what J2 gets on the regular so like he does feel bad. Jace is nastier to j3 than j2, like jace can be nice to j2 on occasion but he also doesn't deal w/ j3 as much so he is kinda spared from a lot of that). But he does try to make a joke abt it b/c that's what he always does like he's the one who can't keep it in his pants like. Do whatever you want to me I'll take it. Honestly it'll just turn me on. (N j2 doesn't really wanna take anything out on j3 but i do think a handy would get him out of his head a bit. And J3 is just excited to servicing someone else bc that means he doesn't have to think abt his own problems. who said that)

I know this is more of a like. Everyone Together situation (hello still thinking abt the j3 sandwich). and i DO think that happens n J3 is like REALLY excited bc it bc like he's in a bad fucking mood too and nobody rly acknowledges that he ends up being the bedrock in these situations like yes J2 takes on so much n j3 feels guilty he's not picking up the slack but j3 does end up kinda being the shoulder for everyone n its like. Damn i want something out to this too, i want out of my head too. So yeah the j3 sanwich is very exciting for him

But. This is such an indulgence on my part. i do legit think J4 dealing w/ Porter is her fucking limit in that. She kinda comes in slamming the door and J3 is expecting the worst from her (in a way that kinda excites him) n to his surprise she just kinda grabs him n starts taking off his shirt and pushes him against the wall n starts making out w him and is like no we're literally doing this right the FUCK now b/c i've had a long day. As is the fantasy high staple... she's getting her kisses in. And his brain is short circuiting b/c this is the first time she's ever initiated something with him without him being the whiny bored one like his weird like i definitely want you to fuck me but also im gonna be extremely coy abt what i want routine that drives her crazy but she usually caves to. Like holy fuck j4 is the one to initiate this time its not like i've been shaking over this n hoping this would happen and he doesn't know if its the day she had or if its him but he'll take it he doesn't care. After the day he had he deserves this too doesn't he?

#sorry we love subjecting j3 to the torment nexus even on a good day #imo this is a good time but maybe my view on that is skewed #jan.ask #4 jaces incident #nsft

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single-malt-scotch · 1 year

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tbh re my post about mcrp when i think about the s9 king ren arc in relation to that-- i didnt dislike it like i disliked s8. thats mostly bc of how it was handled.... which is that if someone wasnt directly involved with ren then like. there was no weird feeling that you were actually missing out on something big. like i didnt need to see ren's rping if a hermit was just minding their own business, they werent being forced into a plot and because of that, they could record and play with no real issues or interference.

its important in any big event that if someone isnt involved, its doesnt feel like their viewers are missing something. i point this out in comparison to s8 because the s8 world was right in your face about what story it was projecting onto everyone. the world getting weird with blocks and the moon getting big and if you watched someone not involved then youre just like watching weird shit in the background... ??? if someone ignored that plot their whole season youre left with some random thing you dont really get or sometimes awkward crossing over w people rping really hard while others werent. but king ren didnt do that in such an obtrusive way-- i didnt wanna see the rp so i didnt and i continued watching ppl who were on their own, without any issues being unaware of the things he was doing.

ren really had his own rp things going on and that was great for anyone who wanted it! and i feel like when i didnt i wasnt missing out or confused the entire time. and when other hermits who werent into rping were in any contact with it, it was just about doing "quests" which... werent rp either, they were just normal things to do. it was just 'hey guys, ren set up this cool thing to do quests' and nothin else. they did not have to put on a character and become part of a story arc. and i still give much props to ren for that bc its again another thing that did not interrupt other hermit's existing season if they didnt want to rp legit. the quests were just getting items, helping the server, fan interaction... so it worked.

even the smallest crossovers of uninvolved hermits didnt cause a continuing issue in their videos-- the point is that compared to s8, this wasnt a world wide event that forced itself on players in a way they couldnt avoid. s8 was on a timer with its plot which caused all kinds of issues imo. king ren impacted the server for a bit but now its like....it never happened. not in a bad way, just that it was not a permanent thing that would affect everyone, you know? even if someone didnt care for anything king ren, you can keep watching with no issue bc from many povs its like it never happened.

i get people like s8 but i see it often loved by those accustomed to the new age of mcrp. which is why i find it annoying when its applied to hermitcraft which is not at all the mcrp people keep projecting onto it. because hc hasnt ever focused on that, or has it done so in a way that works- bc they just dont do that in general.

#ok i will be an open hater abt s8 now #done hiding it lol #and YES there was blatant evidence of ren Existing i know but that is not what i mean #when i talk about the rp being 'forced' on people #but read my second to last paragraph if youre gonna try and point stuff like that out

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kuromi-hoemie · 1 year

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long personal (?) rant bc im stoned and I Wanna Talk About It because i never get to talk about it !! 😤

i feel better now that i talked about it :3

i wish people who grew up with, or at least encountered, ghosts were a lot more common. i feel like u get so many more interesting questions once you've moved past a simple "do ghosts exist?"

they were a v regular thing from when i was in 4th grade up till i moved out at 18, and even then i still come across stuff sometimes here and there a decade later. i also had a friend who was a medium and my prev landlord was a witch and the world is so interesting!!

like just w ghosts it's crazy to think about how there's this barely perceivable reality that overlays ours but in some places/circumstances u interact with it and it w you, but there's layers 2 it bc ghosts r everywhere all the time but u wouldn't notice it. u just do Sometimes.

and my mom would do readings for ppl and do a questions n answers sorta thing where she'd let something/someone control her arm 2 write the responses n they'd b p specific and were 100% accurate. and my medium friend just straight up could See them and we actually met bc my guardian spirit jumped out at her and Needed 2 tell me something, and we stepped aside n actually had a long personal chat akdjfkak it was a good life changing one tho i was lowkey suicidal n needed to hear it. (i got better after btw and a gal's loving life (❁´◡`❁) i was just in a really rough place 16-18 (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠))

but like! on top of ghosts, there really is a whole guardian spirit system i know nothing about besides the fact that it exists.

and then there's psychics of various kinds that interact w The Universe™ in their own ways. i haven't tried to do the automatic writing thing since i was a teen but i do have my own divination system i made up w a normal deck of cards, I used a pendulum too but my cards r just comfier n faster paced :3 and then there's qi and i remember doing an exercise that's supposed 2 introduce u 2 manipulating it and i remember my hands felt weird n warm afterwards and when i ran them over my arms it felt like static from a balloon n made my hairs react to it 0:

and my witch friend could do distant healing n reiki, but she could do a bunch of other stuff too n had her whole belief system/framework she was working with. she was a rly sweet old gal (⁠✿ ‚‚⌒‿⌒‚‚) very private about her practices though she was kinda ostracized for it growing up so she doesn't actually Talk about it much. i asked her 2 teach me a few times �� the distant healing session was fun n she told me when she found me in the astral plane i was like o hey!! and gestured 2 her like i was inviting her into a party and let her right in.

she got a rly interesting visual of me i have written down in detail somewhere from when we talked about it after, and it's just crazy to think about the different ways people interact with *gestures vaguely* like?? we connected in a way i wouldn't have imagined was a thing.

as a space nerd i love thinking about how the universe is So Big and the concept of alternate universes, but then i remember that just being Here on Earth is so interesting!! what is going on w these subtle realities, how r we interacting w them, how do u get to go deeper here. I've been slowly chipping away at it since my years at home trying 2 understand but sm of it has been through observation and interaction and reading, Mostly reading as an adult since i don't get to observe directly as often.

by now i have a p good framework 2 work with for making sense of everything i know so far, but i feel like a huge hole in my research is doing and learning stuff on the witch side of things. Like daoism was a lot easier to dive into and is the closest to how i understand things but i wanna know more about being a witch and being a psychic and i want to be more interactive.

I am forever just wanting 2 learn (⁠〒⁠﹏⁠〒⁠) this has been something of a lifelong journey i pick up at different times in my life. like u can't go from experiencing a childhood like that and be satisfied with leaving it at that, I have so many questions!! my overarching goal has been getting far enough to be able 2 actually Ask a question and figure out how 2 get more info frm the source ykwim.

and then another thing is how under specific circumstances i unintentionally conjure (or attract?) malevolent spirits and it happens like once every five years (⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠￣⁠;⁠) i kind of understand what initiates that so i know how to avoid it, but what about the opposite? how do i conjure or attract something benevolent? why is this a thing that i do at all?? what r The Mechanisms behind this.

the tinkerer in me is going mad at knowing all of this is Right There but i don't know how to do much with it 😹 YET anyways 😼 a gal's been busy!! just kinda waiting for life 2 settle down a bit and i think when I've moved into my next place I'll have the capacity/time for it. i wanna learn about witch stuff but it's so hard lol. conversations I've had w them in passing have been crazy but if u try 2 look online without knowing What To Look For there's sm new age garbage ajdjdjak. i don't want some superficial bs i want The Framework babes i wanna go A-Z w it and fully rotate it in my mind and reconcile it w my current understanding. i want to make things less abstract!!

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