#i keep telling myself i need to start but i just cant
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I wish i can force my brain to focus on certain things. I have important things i have to finish but its so easy to get distracted and procrasinate and i end up not being able to focus on either.
#i keep telling myself i need to start but i just cant#i procrasinate with art but even that i cant focus on#please just let me finish my reports it literally determines if i get to graduate or not#why cant i feel any sense of urgency its#fack my stupid lil brain man#lyssten to my rambles#vent
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#good grief im gettin a lil tired of seeing 'DONT DO THIS' kinda art videos#i very much understand its a youtube thing and that clickbait names and thumbs get the views and attention needed#but it doesnt mean it doesnt annoy me or that I cant be annoyed by it#sometimes i just see it in tutorial pictures too#but the large DONTS with red Xs near the supposed ''wrong'' way of drawing is so demotivating#people start and draw in many ways than one#its what makes art their own#but when videos or tutorial posts are made and show the ''WRONG'' way to go about it#its like scolding the new artist or long time artist with that style that they're doing it wrong and that its bad#no matter the intention its not the way to go about helping artists learn to draw#and in my personal opinion#the click bait ''DONT DO THIS WHEN DRAWING'' thing is what keeps me from actually watching the vids#i get theyre probably helpful but i don't like that I have to feel some NEED or DESIRE to click on a vid cause I feel like I did a thing#wrong or that i never should have done it at all#i wish i could see more 'here are some tips that helped me#kinda vids cause yes i would love to learn what helped you rather than being or feeling wronged for drawing in a way that isn't theirs#im rambling but i have been seeing a lot of 'DONT DO THIS' NEVER DO THIS' 'IF YOURE DOING THIS STOP NOW' kinda art vids#im speakin for myself here#but im an artist sifting through art youtube or spaces always willing to learn new ways of improving my art#i dont need to feel click baited like the next 3am don't this kid to learn how to improve my inking skills#if it was more a 'this is my personal preference and I wanna share it with my audience and maybe teach some things' kinda vid#id watch that too#but im just so tired of seeing art youtube going down this need to tell folks 'YOURE DOING IT ALL WRONG. THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY"
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working with children really will make you examine your thought processes and emotional reactions like nothing else. I've found myself being so much more thoughtful in my daily life about how I respond to my emotions and environment, as well as the reasoning behind why others behave the way they do
#yesterday i got really frustrated and overwhelmed at one point because this one little girl keeps getting really upset when she cant help me#like shell ask to help and i wont have a task (or ive run out bc shes already helped) shes capable of so i tell her that#and thank her for being thoughtful and helpful. admittedly the first time this happened i was really frustrated w her already#bc she had made a huge mess doing something i told her not to do and then didnt want to clean it up and she only came back#and asked to help because her friend had been helping me. so i was like girl. you didnt even clean up the last mess#but i also had nothing for her to do. anyway she started screaming and hid under a table so then her friend did it sith her just. because.#idk kids will see their friend freaking out and they do it too. and i understand it but my god. i dont deal well with really loud noise#and she did it again yesterday. i let her help me and then i ran out of tasks and she started crying and saying i never let her help#and for some reason there were like 6 other kids in there all wanting to help so then several of them started freaking out#and i could not handle it. i literally told my coworker like im about to cry right now lmao#and later the little girl was like wanting to hug me and talk to me and acting like nothing happened and i found myself wanting to withdraw#like i was feeling like i wanted to avoid her and not speak to her or be cold but i also knew i didnt want to treat her that way#and i took a couple minutes by myself and thought about why i felt that way‚ what the effects of that would be‚ and how the kid felt#and i really just had to remind myself that she was feeling just as many emotions as i was but that shes only had 6 years#to learn how to manage them and deal with them in a productive way. she wasnt trying to upset me. she wasnt trying to make me mad#she was just dealing with her emotions in the only way she knew how. and im an adult and if she can get over it i really need to get over it#long ass tag story sorry
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#i woke up and he's still gone#so i guess this is really happening#i dont understand#48 hours ago we were talking about hazbin hotel#and joking about how he needs to just make me a house key because i feed his cat so much#and now i have to start writing his obituary#and we're discussing his pallbears wearing the same stupid sunglasses he always wore#and the governor called my mom to give his condolences#and im just sitting here telling myself that i cant text him and tell him about whats going on because he's not there to answer#he's the person i call when horrible things happen#he's my best fucking friend#how am i supposed to just keep going without him?#we had plans#we were gonna be old people together#and now thats all just gone?#it doesn't make sense#i can't make it make sense
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bart; which way is north?
bart, points upwards; that way
#“north is up” EVERY1 WHOS EVER SAID THAT NEEDS 2 B MORE CLEAR BC HHUHHH#yeah i think bart would rather run around aimlessly than idk FIGURE OUT where he needs 2 go 1st#didnt they have 2 stop him from going out 2 search 4 max?#who needs direction in vr when the system just makes u go there anyways?#who needs direction irl when u memorize everything?#“bart we need u 2 go north” he just starts running straight ahead#rambles.....#i gen cannot figure out what the fuck is north#north star? how do u even know u keep seeing the same star?#“its the brightest” I HAVE#wait#I HAVE ASTIGMATISM#EVERY STAR LOOKS BRIGHT TF DO U WANT FROM ME#oh wait would bart just memorizze the northstar? would he b able 2 tell?#im running around in circles im gonna stop myself now#this is 1 of those “man i could draw this” but i cant so now its text#impulse#bart allen#dc#ooc post#ig sighssss dramtically#i have so many drafts & this is just 1 of them...
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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach
#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed#and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore#wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever#i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous#asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here#and i do so so so fucking badly#then. things have to change#struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about#NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her#i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown#but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage#to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different#thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT#god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go#this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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#ive felt constantly like crying for the past 3 or so days and it fucking suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks man#this is just a complain post i haev to complain or ill explode#mum came back from holiday and cz im in antisocial mood extreme style i dont wanna go out of my room so#time to not eat for a week again lol#also every time she goes out for more than a few days shes like 'u can throw a party!' knowing full well that every time i have to reply#'and invite who. who is coming over' you KNOW i dont have any friends and ik u never mean anything by that comment bt come on#and then treat me like im 5 years old and repeatedly tell me how to order takeout as if im not. over 25. baffling!#and im bored i cant do dawntrail cz my sister wants to do it w me which is Fine bt shes always at work and we still havent started it#IM at my 0hours unemployed so i have to sit here and do fuck all or make art for the purpose of hoping ppl interact w me coz im lonely#life bad. life sucks. keep trying to find the small good and then it nosedives again.#warhammer help me im dying youre my only ho#i need to get anothjer killteam so i can play it with myself. i used to play yugioh and boardgames on my own too im experienced#also my teeth hurt but thats just sort of a background thing now
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My mom will feel bad about a tree that died in the woods but won't hesitate to torment me and my sister over the fact we're not thin beautiful people. Fun times
#stfusanta#god she pisses me off sometimes#in the same breath she will say that my sister and i look like her when she was our age#and how sorry she is that she was so horrifyingly disgusting looking then#and tell us#when we were fucking kids mind you#that she wishes she was addicted to cocaine or an alcoholic#because that would make her thin#and she thinks being thin is the only eay to be good and holy and all that bullshit#sorry i needed to fuckin vent#i know she has a lot of issues that was pounded into her from her family#but i hate so much how she raised us#i cant look at myself in the mirror and shut myself off from every single friend i have ever had#because i believe im an eyesore and someone people keep around out of pity#i hate it#really want to pack up change my name and just disappear#never talk to her and my family again#just#start over#sorry#rambling
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ithink the worst part of finally trying antidepressants is not only them immediately making me physically sick (in a possibly intolerant way) but also feeling mentally worse and i just have to. keep trying since they take weeks to see if they even work
#i cant take it anymore im exhausted and on edge at all moments even in my sleep i get intrusive thoughts n nightmares#i wish i could just calm down more#it hurts so bad#its making me really insecure#about myself and asking for help and it feels like#its only reinforcing ppl viewing me as childish and weak#i feel sick just thinking about anything#i cant tell if im just feeling worse or if the meds r giving me mood swings and increased bad thoughts#at this point idek where to start if i can even GET a therapist appointment anytime soon (heavily needed)#i keep imagining myself screaming
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📓🖊♣️
#i think i'll try to do this bc ...honestly i cant vent freely anymore#for many reasons#i just am too emotionally weak and vulnerable to deal with a small handful albeit ppl who are mean to me#im too sensitive and fragile for it i cant do it#so even if i've tried this several times .. a separate vent blog.. i will try again#for my own peace of mind <3#plus.. venting has actually caused me so many issues w ppl and connection i've had ://#both on twitter and tumblr#and now part of why it got fucked up with him.. the loml.. was bc he got the wrong side of me#from all my miserable vent posts#i kept posting abt how 'nobody cares abt me' and then he felt like he didnt matter to me#bc i literally kept saying such things :(((#and tbh me venting publically is not worth it at all#it wasnt the only reason but part of it was that i said too much of that constantly#and bc of everything going on w him he just believed i didnt care abt him#fuckkkkk that makes me so sad and regretful but its done#i do kinda hate myself for that tho...#i need to learn how to not feel the need to constantly 'vent'#and learn how to just be ok w having these passing thought and feelings#and only vent when i really need to not every second#losing him... wasnt worth any of it#but ig just starting to not put it on my actual blog and keep it separate is a start#im weird abt what i do and such so it might seem like im overthinking#but i just need to be clear w myself and compartamentalize#and it helpd to tell myself that ill do this and then try to do it#instead of just thinking it#anyway idk#even if its too late with him i dont wanna risk more rude things said to me i just cant take it#and venting causes problems kinda always anyway#so learning to do it less and less is good
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#This shouldn't be a surprise but seriously no one actually cares about my survival yes I've asked for help why would I get help#I'm functionally nocturnal and I keep staying up for like 48 hours and then sleeping for a day and I never know where I am#Or what day it is or if it's morning or night#Normal humans eat three meals a day and snacks right I think I maybe eat a snack every other day#I just don't feel hunger and my body hurts and cooking is so much effort I don't have#Weed used to help me be able to eat easily but now everything is just so hard and no food in house n cant go to store bc of ptsd too scary#I keep telling people when they ask that I am doing badly and need help but they as always just tell me to go to the store and buy food#Because it should be easy for a normal person!!! That would be such helpful and kind advice if I were normal#But I am not I am severely sick and traumatized and driving hurts so bad and stores give me panic attacks#Seriously if literally nobody cares about my struggling why not just be euthanized at this point?#This problem is so inconvenient to everyone and I have done all I can to convince people that I'm worth the inconvenience but :(#If I were worth talking to or visiting or helping people would have done that and I would be fine but I am not and that's okay#I genuinely don't mind being a husk at all#I'm just weirdly sad about it right now maybe because I think I feel hungry but genuinely I can't tell thanks autism#I also haven't been able to do my t shot in like three or four weeks I keep trying but I literally can't get the needle in :((#I imagine less testosterone in my system also makes me tired and lose my appetite#I'm so fucked up and nobody cares that I start my day at 8pm and am active and reply to emails and shit at 4am#Why would anyone notice that first of all but still. I would notice.#When even strangers are struggling I notice and I will do anything for anyone but it's selfish upon selfish to expect it back I understand#I keep looking for arfid and ed affirmations to help me but I can't find anything good#Genuinely . what the fuck#Just fucking need to be someone's dog feed me walk me put me in a cage teach me how to be better and treat me like I don't know shit#Because I don't I'm so stupid I can't even feed myself I'm dying please help me
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨
#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me#but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk#just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more#fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person#to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever#i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better#but also way worse at the same time#i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely#but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped#cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out#i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want#its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake#cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it#ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else#im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there#then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that#crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening#and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil#the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me#its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything#aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol
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i just applied for benefits (or welfare idk) and 3 jobs i need to hear something by the end of this fucking week
#either benefits telling me im getting some money or I've got a job and i can start in the next 2 weeks cause im literally broke#like £0 in my bank accounts in the few days because i have class#im also returning alot of shit ive bought lately but never got to wear cause the reality is i don't need them#those were my birthday presents for myself but like. i need money to survive and i cant keep asking strangers online for money#it makes me feel awful and i absolutely hate doing it not just because of how much ppl hate ppl who ebeg but also its#embarrassing for me asking for money idk.
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i feel like it's such a cruel joke from God that everything that makes me better also makes me feel worse.
#the attitude of 'no one else will do it if not you' along with 'you need to put in more than the bare min. because--#--this bare minimum does not make an effect on people tf is this'#was things i started thinking to motivate myself to draw more than headshots all the time & actually start putting the ideas i had onto--#paper and at least trying to tell my stories in anything more than a meaningless ramble#(i still ramble sometimes but i at least try to think of how to do it now)#and it worked#and im doing actual things now#but now this same logic is hurtful because it pushes me to make more&more&more#just to get my ideas out there#bcs just saying the idea out loud isnt enough. people will not be interested in just listening to that#i need to like make a drawing or something#and theres so many ideas and i cant make something for all of them but IM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THAT.#im the only one. and i should be the only one because getting someone else to do so is 1. not possible 2. shameful.#like oooohhh can you make this idea i had real because i cant. jesus christ id rather fall into the ground.#please dont internalize this btw. this isnt a good attitude to have. not at all!!#but now im stuck in this hell because its the only way i get to keep going#the only way im capable of doing anything and being productive is by forcing myself to do so. by pulling myself up by strings#and beating myself up into what i want to do#i will not do it if i wont force myself to.#...does this classify as executive dysfunction?#i never thought it did but#now that i phrased it that way#god i wish i had the balls to ask my parents for therapy#BY THE WAY TO CLARIFY#'DOING THINGS'? IN THIS CONTEXT?#MEANS LIKE. MAKING SHITPOSTS.#SOMETIMES MAKING COMICS OR WRITING A ONE SHOT BUT I STILL STRUGGLE WITH THAT TO THIS DAY.#IT WAS MOSTLY LITERALLY DRAWING A DOODLE COMIC INSTEAD OF WRITING SOMETHING IN A DIALOGUE FORM#BECAUSE DIALOGUES DIDNT CHANNEL WHAT I WANTED TO SHOW RIGHT AND SHITPOST COMICS MADE IT MORE INTERESTING TOO.#oh yeah and theres a thing to be said about how so much for this if not all is just so that other people would look at it.
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