#i know it's just been a little over a month since the whole w*lb*r thing came out & i can take all the time i need to grief the cc i lost.

[sergeantjessi]

.

[imsorryimednostic]

Hereditary

Alright, so I had the thought, “A moment on the lips, forever on your hips,” and I stopped to think about it. My mother used to tell me that. She also used to congratulate me every time I got sick, because “at least you’ll lose a few pounds, right?” Or how when I used five sweeteners (yeah, I fucking liked sweet fucking coffee) she would gasp at the amount and say, “That’s a lot of sweetener,” as though I were using REAL fucking sugar. It’s zero calories, that’s the whole freaking POINT of sweetener. “But it could cause cancer.” I mean, yeah, this was the oughties, so whatever, but I smoked like half a pack a day anyway, so what’s going to kill me first? The sweetener? Your criticisms? Or my smoking habit? But I quit smoking. And sweetener has been proven to be just fine and dandy. So, guess which one is still with me today?   Speaking of -- I switched to black coffee because she did this EVERY fucking time. At least it was dark like my fucking soul. I got used to drinking it that way because your opinion fucking MATTERED to me. I mean, when you’re young and insecure, who’s mother’s opinion DOESN’T matter to them?   For Christmas she bought me goal clothes as long as I can remember. Christmas gifts at ten? A new snowboard, a proper fitting set of snowpants and a jacket, but everything else clothes oriented? One or two sizes down, so that I’d be motivated to lose weight. At ten. Yeah.   I’m going through my agoraphobia, straight up fear of going outside, of being seen in public because I’m disgusting. I’m worthless. I’m fat. And even when I lost weight, and we had them over for lunch, I bought pumperknickle bread and spinach dip (which I hadn’t had in years and years since SHE’D last had it at some get-together) and she watched me like a HAWK every time I took a piece. Little did she know I hadn’t eaten in 21 days before that and I was fucking STARVING. And I was losing my fucking hair. It was coming out in HANDFULS at this point every time I took a shower.  You know what? I’ve been waiting OVER A YEAR for a out-patient ED clinic, and I’ve been waiting MONTHS for ‘crisis counselling’! The whole health system is in SHAMBLES right now. The first time my mother had seen me since the pandemic hit, and they came to visit for that same lunch, she said and I quote,  “Let’s see that weight loss!” Oh and I can’t forget, “I thought you said you lost weight?” My father even stepped in at that point. Down 70+lbs in 4 and a half months. All before even saying hello. Great. I’d already told her I was diagnosed with an eating disorder, and this was the first thing she said after nine months of not seeing me. JFC.   She always watched what I ordered whenever we went to a restaurant. Oh god, birthdays were such a fucking waste, I always wanted to go to get sushi but SHE doesn’t like sushi so we should go somewhere else! So I kept choosing this restaurant called  “Milestones”. Because she liked things there.   Things were never about other people. They were always about her. And we all just kind of let it happen. Oh, and that quiet nod if I ordered a salad. The sheer look of disappointment on her face when I ordered a burger, and yet, of course, she’d snag a fry or two, to show how in control she was of HER eating habits. All the while watching me constantly while I ate with that look of disappointment on her face.   But I see you, Pennywise, spitting your food into your napkin. Sending food back for having ‘too much dressing’ after eating less than half, and saying ‘No it’s okay, I don’t need another.’ Way to get a free meal, and impress upon your only daughter that you have an eating disorder. You think no one else noticed? My friends noticed. I noticed. Damn, even other family members noticed. But you’re too far gone now to try and change.  “I’m skinnier than ALL my friends”, “You won’t believe how much weight _______ has put on!”, “I really have to watch what I eat”, you’ve been saying this for decades now. And I thought ___________ was your ‘best friend’. What a mean girl you are, Pennywise! Why are we no contact? Why do I avoid you? Because I am mean enough to myself and I don’t need your fucking help to exascerbate a fucking eating disorder or mental breakdown. I can do that all by myself simply by remembering things you’ve said to me in my past. Things you barely acknowledge or just straight up don’t even remember. What you don’t remember, were PIVOTAL moments of my childhood. You destroyed my entire view of myself. The body dysmorphia is fucking real. I can look in the mirror and will never see myself. And YOU did that.   Barbie didn’t give me body image issues. Barbie taught me that you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed form the body. But you, you taught me for to undereat, or eat in secret, and I was ALWAYS hungry. I used to find you sneaking food. I know you were hungry, woman. You may have always acted like you were indifferent, but I knew. I was hiding food, and eating while I was away at school during the day. And yeah, I gained weight, because I didn’t know HOW to do things in moderation, because you restricted so much FOR me. I didn’t know HOW to eat properly.   “We don’t need as much as the boys,” or “You really want that much?” When I’d been out swimming for four hours, and running around at the cottage, and was famished. You really showed me, Ma. Well, don’t worry, your daughter is GREAT at starving, just like you. And now, she has an eating disorder. Like you. Like your mother. For me, an eating disorder was hereditary. For you, too. You think I didn’t hear the way grandma talked to you? I know where you got in from. I know more than you think I do.   Well at least we’re both existing in hell together now.

[bean-pole-art]

Ed’s Borderlands Fics Masterpost

well finally

here is the masterpost of all of my Borderlands fics posted. most of them are Rhysothy focused to various AUs. I’m gonna update it as I post more but here it is, along with some of my commentary

right from the start big big BIG shoutout to @spoks-illogical-art​, my partner in crime, my biggest inspo, without them honestly most of these fics wouldn’t exist, please check out their amazing art <3

(latest edit - 21/02/2021)

Atlas AU - our main timeline, follows events of Moxxi’s Heist. lots of different concepts and ideas but the core really is Tim moving to Promethea to get help from Rhys. gonna sort em here with posting date, check the ao3 series for the “timeline”

Hypothetically - 2240 words summary: Rhys talks a lot, but usually thinks about it too little.

coffee, cats & monographs - 2880 words summary: “Hey hey, easy. You don’t want to repeat the accident from last week, do you?” Rhys cooed towards the cat and picked her up, just as Timothy instructed him to. Hearing these words, Felicity meowed. “Oh, don’t say that. This is my office and I have the power here,” he answered, carrying her back to his personal space.

Or Timothy's cat pays a visit to Rhys' office in the morning. note: I am a stupid mofo and at this point Tim would also have Loader Bot fkjbfd just imagine hes not mentioned cause hes wandering off, typical LB

Have Faith - 1470 words summary: During the 7 year lockdown at the Handsome Jackpot, Timothy couldn't really have any hope for himself. But maybe on Promethea it could be different. note: sudden feelings while watching JoltzDude139′s stream

Warm Cheeks, Cold Hands - 1170 words summary: Rhys comes home early and wants to say hi to his husband. With no ulterior motive. None at all. note: first fic Ive ever posted where characters are married, actually. fuck it, Rhysothy Real, his name is Rhys Lawrence

the battle (and the aftermath) of the ages - 2970 words summary: In a situation like this everything was possible, they could pull any punches they could think of. Four beasts playing against each other, every single one of them thinking of striking the winning blow.

Or Promethea Squad plays UNO. And then watches a movie. note: I love Promethea Squad with my whole heart

okurimono (贈り物) - 4/4, 17170 words summary: “Not a bomb. Just a device with a message for Rhys. Trust me on that,” this time an emoji of both winking and showing off a tongue [;P] appeared on the surface of Zer0’s helmet. Ah. So they were definitely trying to mess him up. In a way. Unfortunately, he really didn’t have any other options. Almost with a defeat, Timothy took the ECHOrecorder right from their hands and looked around it again. Or Zer0 gives Timothy a peculiar mission. note: my first ever multichapter fic. took me legit abt 8 months to finish but I am absolutely satisfied with this. also the bonus ending. yes

(there is) something I see in you - 8690 words summary: How one Rhys Strongfork met one Timothy Lawrence and how they fell for each other. More or less. note: best to go into this one blind, I swear. dumbest fic Ive ever written and please take this as a recommendation

this world is gonna pull through - 14380 words summary: Timothy really hoped it wasn’t anything important. He had that tendency to forget things easily, even if he tried to fight it. But Rhys kept on smiling and went by his side. So it couldn’t have been that bad. Still dumbfounded, he felt Rhys leaving a kiss right on his cheek.“November 11th? 

That- That seriously doesn’t ring any bells?” Rhys continued, brushing his hands against his shoulders. Or how Timothy spent one of his birthdays. note: also a love letter for Tim but a nicer one I guess kdjfnb dont ask how old is he i have no gdamn idea man

Strawberry Sweet - 3560 words summary: Rhys surprises Timothy with a gift for their date night in.

Happy Mercenary Day, Mr. Lawrence - 4670 words summary: How Timothy spent his first Mercenary Day on Promethea. note: I swear this is the best writer night Ive ever had. Ive written this whole thing in one night on Christmas day, solely on the inspo of that song I linked

Don’t Go Wasting Your Emotion - 4/4, 17080 words summary:  Afterwards, he went around with his usual duties. Getting a quick roundabout from his PA, checking several sectors himself and looking through the thousands of messages already sent to him via ECHOs. Rhys was ready to finally take on the day, yet when he made his way to the office, he saw the unusual envelope right by the edge of his desk. “For Rhys” was written on it. Straightforward enough. Or Rhys gets a letter from a secret admirer. note: another multichapter fic!! this one also took some time and well. its inspired by ABBA songs. cause only I would write a Rhysothy fic inspired by ABBA

Ratchet Effect - 7130 words summary: Knowing just how much overworked Rhys has been, Timothy wants to let them have a nice getaway in Lazy River Land. There's only one problem to overcome - ratch infestation. note: first fic of 2021!! Ive been playing a lot of bl3 suring the writing of it so it has a lot of stuff I had observed both on Promethea and on Jackpot

Reflections - 2250 words summary: Sometimes, Timothy needs a reminder.

Tales AU - second most important timeline. it’s Tales but Tim is a part of the group. sorted chronologically

A Story For Another Day - ongoing, for now -  2/25, 15280 words Tales AU main fic. it’s gonna be a big one

Connection Interrupted - 3240 words summary: With his driving shift finished, Timothy checks up on Rhys and Vaughn's plans.

Completely Hopeless - 1040 words summary: In which Fiona notices that Rhys behaves differently in front of a certain doppelganger.

infinity times infinity times infinity - 3460 words summary: Rhys and Timothy share some dreams and secrets underneath the stars. note: the beautiful combination of Sleeping At Last and Minecraft parodies. I promise it makes sense

reality can be whatever I want - 11420 words summary: “Hey, Tim?” Timothy didn’t even spare him a look, “Are we alone, or is he there with you?” Oh, this definitely won’t be pretty.

After the confession of Handsome Jack's AI in his head and his plan to infiltrate Helios, Rhys needs to set things right with Timothy. Somehow. note: thanosdancing.gif to Backstreet Boys’ “I Want It That Way” 80′s remix and a guest appearance from Ferocity but I cant legally say her name here

still here - 2820 words summary: It all had to go down, after Helios crashed. note: I have...a love/hate relationship with this one kjdfbfg I like it but it’s honestly an alternate ending and doesnt fit within our usual bad ending, so take it with a grain of salt. i ten jebany błąd językowy w summary, kiedy ja go poprawię

together at last - 5590 words summary: It all struck him down in an instant, in this one minute. They were all safe. And they were all alive. Nothing was threatening neither him, nor Timothy, nor Fiona. He could finally breathe out.

They all found each other again. note: I am multitasking most time of my life but I dont relate any other fic to multitasking more than this one. I was honestly doing 10 things at once while writing this dfkjbndf

David AU - this one is a sub AU to Tales AU and the plot is kind of complicated dfjkbfb please check the fic for further explanation

building in curved lines - 22490 words summary: “To be fair, you look terrible. You’re barely standing in one piece and none of your coffees will hold you together for that long,” Lilith paused, seemingly weighing the correct words in her head. “You haven’t really been holding on since… We rescued The Double.” Rhys sighed heavily. Why did she have to be so right about everything. Or how Rhys and Timothy adjust to the reality after the Handsome Jack AI. note: bday gift for Spok, EASILY one of my absolute faves and the longest fic Ive written thus far

outside of AUs - some concepts I play with that are honestly outside any of our concrete timelines/concepts + fics not focused on Rhysothy

Real - 770 words summary: Reconciling with your past is a little easier, when you have someone you love right in your arms. note: first blands fic I’ve ever written. the characterization isn’t really there yet but as a first shot at the game and my kind of “introduction”, I am still satisfied of it

(Un)Familiar Faces - 9620 words summary: Timothy pursed his lips and leaned over the wall a little. He’s had enough of this solitude of closed doppelganger cabinet. Today wasn’t the day for another self-loathing session. Today, he should go off on Helios and do something for himself.

Or Timothy spends the night at a Helios bar. But not as Handsome Jack. And not as Timothy Lawrence either. note: personal favorite of mine, tough love letter to Timothy Lawrence. I have so many fond memories of writing this, including getting drunk out of my mind just like Tim and Rhys here

basics of survival - 2010 words summary: Athena taught Timothy everything he needed to know about survival. Now, it was time to put these skills into use. note: wrote this right before rona outbreak on last day in my dorms. thats all

[kyberled]

@cosmicnexus​ said:

// i don't even know the whole story but i know based on the red x's on the picture those kids ain't alright and i am S A D but holy fuck jay this picture is amazing!!! the shading and the rendering!!!!

// AaaaaAAAA thank you Kato ;w; You’re always far too good to me and I love you <3<3<3

The basic story is this is Braig’s little ‘inner circle’ group of best friends. He met Hano (the Cathar) when he was three, and they’ve been best friends ever since; he met Naweh (the Tarasin) not long after, and she fit in with them perfectly; He met Booda (the Gungan) when he was four, Lohata (the Rodian) when he was five, and he sort of knew the Affgor twins, Garak and Shah-Ki (the Weequay) in passing, but he didn’t actually know them until their Gathering, when the seven of them - at age seven - went to find their kyber crystals. Ever since the Gathering, they’ve sort of been their own little clique, so they refer to their collective selves as ‘the Gathering group’. Not very creative, but it suits their purposes. 

(Little fun fact: Braig’s the oldest of all of them! Technically they’re all born in the same year, but he was born first. The actual age order is Braig -> Lohata -> Hano -> Naweh -> Booda -> the Twins. The Twins don’t know which one of them was born first, and change their answer depending on their moods.) 

(more details under a cut because I rambled)

Tarasins, such as Naweh, have skin that changes colour based on their emotions. They can learn to control the changes, and even use them to communicate when they get older. Normally, Naweh keeps herself a calm, neutral blue-purple-green, but she knows her friends don’t care, so right now, she’s a happy/excited pink-yellow-orange. Anyone who knows Tarasin skin colours would take one look at her and go ‘wow, she’s stoked to be there’. 

One of Naweh’s favourite places to be was the nurseries. She always said if she hadn’t been chosen to pursue knighthood, she would’ve been happy working with the younglings (to the point where if she ever had the Group’s braincell and advised against something, they’d usually chorus a light-hearted ‘Yes, Crechemaster’). She loved kids. That’s why, aside from encouraging Hano to embrace his bastard status, she’s braiding Braig’s hair. She doesn’t have hair of her own, but some of the little ones do, and having it braided makes it easier for them to do their training. She’s practicing braids so she can help the kids better on her next shift. (That’s also why she has a bunch of hair ties around her wrist, in part. She also just wore them because most of her close friends - Braig, Hano, the twins - have long hair, so she comes prepared in case they lose one of their own ties.) 

She gets a red X because she was in her beloved nurseries when Order 66 was declared. She died shielding the younglings, helping the staff smuggle them out. One of the last things she ever did was use the Force to shove some of the smaller ones into a ventilation duct in the hopes they might escape. She knew she wouldn’t. If you were to  find her body after the Purge, you’d find her still covering some little ones who weren’t so lucky, a guardian to the last. 

Of course we all know and love Braig. I don’t have too much to say about him here, since, again, we know him already. He’s napping because he’s warm and safe, the Force in the gardens and with his friends feels amazing, and he’s been getting his hair played with for the past five minutes. He’s also, as the group’s healer, on standby in case Booda’s prosthetics hurt her, but they all trust the Twins’ work enough that he feels safe dozing.

He survives Order 66, so no X - but his connection to the Living Force, combined with so many deaths all at once, leaves him with near-permanent metaphysical chronic pain. Sometimes, the literal air around him just feels painful to him. It sucks.

Hano is the tallest and strongest of the group. He evens out at 7′5, over 300 lbs. The Force gave him a bronze crystal when he was young and he did not disappoint. The necklace he wears is actually a trophy from the first hunt he went on, a rite of passage among Cathar. The trophy just lets other Cathar know he completed the hunt and can be welcomed as an adult into their society. Given that he was training as a tracker (Braig always called him ‘the greatest/most skilled tracker I’ve ever met’), his success was inevitable. As intimidating as he can be, he’s a gentle giant and a goofball at heart. He’ll tear it up on the battlefield, sure, but he’ll also use the fact he’s strong enough to lift a clone trooper in one arm to carry wounded men back to safety, to carry his friends around for fun, or to help the men, other Jedi, and the Temple staff with more strenuous physical labor. He also enjoys play-fighting, especially with Braig and Naweh, and the control he learned through the rigorous training of a Jedi means he can easily do so without hurting them. He’s always had a penchant for mischief, which is why he’s been telling dumb jokes and awful puns for the past little while. 

(Bonus fun fact: I joked, years ago, that he’s large enough that when he goes out with his friends - especially Small Friend Braig - he gets mistaken as their master. When I posted a WIP of this in my discord server, my friend Reece assumed he was their dad, so. It looks like that’s not a joke and actually happens, and Braig was quietly sulking that he’s three months older for a while after. Hano continues to think it’s funny.) 

He survived Order 66, barely. He was blinded and lost a leg in an explosion (hence the red scribbles). His master, Yokar Eedai, hid him among rubble, commed some of his non-Jedi friends to find the location, and then lead the clones away at the cost of his own life. Hano spent many years hiding in the Outer Rim in self-imposed exile. (He does eventually reunite with Braig, though. If you swing by Braig’s weapons shop, you can usually see him there, bandages tied over his eyes and metallic claws peeking out from under his left pantleg.) 

Garak and Shah-Ki aren’t very talkative or physically affectionate. They show their love for their friends through inclusion and acts of service. When they were young, still forming their group, Braig always thought that they were ‘each others’ best friend, and could live without the rest of us’. While that may have once been true, they’ve bonded with the rest of the Group quite thoroughly. So Garak is brushing Hano’s hair for him (Hano usually wears it in braids) and Shah-Ki is fixing Booda’s prosthetics, though they’re both debating the best way to enhance the water-proofing without sacrificing mobility. The twins were training as Shadows, a rare variant of Jedi that specializes in stealth missions. They were also brilliant slicers and engineers, making them incredible secret agents. By the time they were senior padawans, they could make not only themselves invisible through the Force, but one or two others, as well. They would often use this talent to bring one of the others of their group to see what they had most recently found or made. The rest of the Group always joked that you never knew what it was going to be. It could be a store room in the Temple that had fallen out of use, it could be a Battle Droid they repurposed, or it could be the complete dossier of someone who wasn’t legally supposed to exist. Just whatever they thought was cool. 

Their penchant for going unnoticed also meant that they heard, intentionally or otherwise, all sorts of gossip throughout the Temple. They’d usually share interesting tidbits at mealtimes with their friends, a practice Naweh had affectionately dubbed ‘Holocast T’. 

While Weequay can grow hair, braids are significant to them culturally, representing how many times they’ve visited their home planet of Sriluur. Because of this, the twins opted to have silka bead padawan ‘braids’ instead. 

They were finishing up a mission when Order 66 hit. While they were never as outwardly friendly as some others, they did trust their men, and as such didn’t think to hide themselves from those that became their executioners until it was too late. They died only moments apart, still reaching out to each other, but weren’t quite able to touch. 

Lohata and Booda are dating! They like to pretend nobody knows. The entire Group knows, of course, but they pretend they don’t, for their sake. 

Lohata is as close to a ‘mom friend’ as you can get when you don’t have a mom and haven’t been raised to know what having a mom is like. She usually has the braincell, and does her best to make sure the others can get out of any trouble they get into. That’s not to say that she doesn’t get into trouble a lot, too, she’s just usually the one who can bail them out when ‘blame it on Braig’ isn’t feasible. She’s also a bookworm, and usually has a datapad in her hand (she always appreciated that her friends would just let her read when they all hang out, jumping into and out of the conversation whenever she wanted without judgement. It was nice). She and Braig often exchange ‘pads from the archives (with Mistress Jocasta’s permission) if they found one they thought the other would like. She has a fairly dry sense of humor, which is why she’s in the middle of telling Hano that if he tells the one about the Womprat and the Quacta again, she’s defecting to the Separatists so she can hit him with a tree branch without getting in trouble. (Hano, being Assigned Disaster At Birth, is now figuring out how to reroute the conversation into a good segue for the one about the Womprat and the Quacta.) 

Aside from reading, she loved flying and singing, and was quite good at both - though she wouldn’t admit to the second. When Booda was recovering from getting her prosthetics for the first time, Lohata used to sing to her to help her relax. She wasn’t quite as good at dancing ad Booda was, but, if they had a moment alone, she’d make the effort for her girlfriend. 

Booda is much sunnier and more open than Lohata, but not as outgoing as Braig (hence why he’s usually their mastermind). She has a joy and genuine love for life, and, in the moment, is just happy to be home with all her friends, all safe and together and able to relax for once. 

As a Gungan, she knows all too well how her species is regarded by the rest of the Galaxy. She’s trained herself to not speak Gungan Basic in an effort to appear more ‘civilized’ and ‘respectable’ as a Jedi, and to hopefully avoid the negative stereotypes. (She only ever speaks it to other Gungans, now, and tries to avoid doing so in public.) Like Naweh, she figured if she ever got tired of field work, she’d be happy in the Temple - though she wanted to work in the Archives, not the nursery. She was a cultures nerd, like Braig, and the two of them often edited each others’ cultural papers and assignments before handing them in. 

Booda got her prosthetics after a mission went wrong, damaging both her arms beyond repair for the current Jedi on the scene. Her master, a Nautolan named Nid Arto, blamed himself for it, and had to speak to his own (former) master at length and meditate for a while to come to terms with it. He visited her for hours on end every day in the Temple’s medbay until she was cleared. She hadn’t yet turned 16, so she was still growing - this, as well as the frequent wear and tear of missions, meant that she had to get them replaced quite often. Oddly enough, this helped her come to terms with it more. At Nid’s suggestion, she started getting coloured casings for them, and that made it a bit more fun.  The Group would often visit her after these procedures with washable markers and draw or write little notes and designs on, which made it even better. By the time of this little meeting of theirs, she’s grown used to them, and is quite pleased with these new pink casings (they’re her favourite colour). 

She’s also the best dancer of the group, and usually teaches the others different dancing styles to help with diplomatic missions. Naweh, Braig, and Lohata are her usual students, as they’re the ones who do diplomacy more often (and she likes being able to dance with her girlfriend). Hano doesn’t do high society - it’s hard enough to get him to put on a shirt, he hates how it feels with fur - and the twins are shadows, not consulars or guardians. The three of them still show up for support and shenanigans, though. The twins are quite good at a Corellian waltz. Booda and Braig had a long-running joke about how he insisted dancing was just like sparring without hitting each other, dips were take-downs you stopped half way, et cetera, and she, through increasing giggles, would try to convince him to stop trying to punch foreign dignitaries to music. 

When Order 66 happened, Booda, Nid, and Lohata had just finished up a mission to Naboo (Lohata’s master had been sick, so Nid invited her along for the ride). They’d finished up early, so Nid, who knows Lohata likes to fly and Booda likes being on Naboo, decided to let the girls get a bit of flight practice in (with Queen Jamilla’s permission) in friendly skies. The men turned on them, and Lohata’s ship crashed, knocking her out. It was the fire and injuries that eventually took her life. Booda tried to pull her out, but only succeeded in damaging her prosthetics before Nid pulled her away to get her running. The two of them hid in a lake. When the men dropped depth charges, Nid shielded Booda and died in the process. She hid under water and in under-water caverns with air pockets for days, peeking out to still see her master’s corpse floating there before someone eventually removed it. She would never really be able to leave the lakeshore again, barely being able to venture into town for food weeks later, and to get her arms fixed over a year after the Purge. She, too, eventually reconnects with Hano and Braig - while she never feels safe leaving her lake, they make sure to comm her fairly regularly, and visit in person when they can, and it’s the closest to feeling truly safe she’s been in decades. 

[angelofthequeers]

Hold Me By Both Hands: Chapter 46

Disclaimer: I don’t own ML.

@smolplantmum tagged as requested :)

Chapter 45 | Chapter 47 | AO3 link

Although the plan is to go and visit Master Fu and discuss their next move, a wrench in the form of Adrien’s sleek car pulling up at the Eiffel Tower and honking is thrown into that plan.

“You sure?” Marinette says when Adrien heaves a deep sigh at the sight. “You can transform, you know, and they can’t exactly do anything about it.”

“No, I should go,” Adrien says. “I’ll just be delaying the inevitable. But trust me, Father won’t be stopping me from Chat Noir. That’s one thing I will put my foot down on.”

Marinette smiles and pushes herself on her tiptoes to press a quick kiss to Adrien’s lips. “Good luck,” she says and squeezes his hand. “Text as soon as you’re free, okay? I’ll probably gather the team now instead of waiting until tonight. That reminds me, who’s Petite Souris?”

“Mylène,” Adrien says. “I was…well, I was desperate once I knew that Sanguisuga would get to Luka first. I just kind of knew that the Rat would be helpful. And she was the first one I found. Is that…okay?”

“Of course it is, silly kitty.” Marinette kisses Adrien on the cheek. “Don’t doubt your instincts. Mine haven’t been wrong yet and neither have yours.”

Adrien smiles and looks down at the ground with pink cheeks. “She suits it, doesn’t she?” he says. “I don’t think Alix or Juleka would’ve pulled it off as well as she did.”

“A hundred percent,” Marinette says. “Can you text her and tell her to meet at the hotel, since she knows you’re Chat Noir?”

“Of course. That’s my bugaboo.” His cheeks still dusted with pink, Adrien squeezes her hand, then turns to head for his car, ever so slowly letting go of her hand so that they’re left joined by their pinkies before he inevitably has to fully release her. Once his car has driven off, Marinette lets out a deep sigh and pulls out her phone.

[1:56 pm] miraculass

ladyBIrd: @everyone nvm about tonight, meet at hotel asap, I’m heading there now so I’ll meet Honeybee on the roof

honeybeetch: asdfghjkl ok lb

what does the fox say: kk

mess w turt u get hurt: how’s adrien?

ladyBIrd: facing the music with his dad

mess w turt u get hurt: :|

airhead: I’ll be there soon and I’m bringing Luka

what does the fox say: wait why does luka get to sit in on superhero business

ladyBIrd: I’ll explain everything

honeybeetch: lb hurry the fuck up and get here

what does the fox say: smooth

honeybeetch: fuck off

Marinette can’t help the snort that escapes her at Rena Rouge and Honeybee’s banter as she shoves her phone back into her purse, then takes extra care to make sure that no one can see her behind the Eiffel Tower leg.

“You ready?” she whispers. Tikki darts out and nods.

“All recharged, Marinette!”

“Tikki, spots on!”

.

“Adrien.”

Adrien gulps. If Gabriel’s waiting on the staircase rather than hiding away in his atelier, this conversation is not going to go well.

“H-Hello, Father,” he forces out. Gabriel dismisses Nathalie with a nod, then descends the staircase and pauses directly in front of Adrien. The gleam in his eyes as he takes Adrien’s hand and examines the ring leaves an unsettled pit in Adrien’s stomach. Gabriel’s probably just a Miraculous enthusiast, right? Hence why he’d had the Peacock? But there’s just something…unnerving about his face right now. Something almost greedy and…triumphant?

“All this time…” Gabriel murmurs.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Father,” Adrien says. “I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone –”

“Oh, I know. We all have our, ahem…little secrets. And I think it’s time I shared mine with you, in light of this new information. Come with me. I have a task for you…son.”

Okay, so Adrien had expected his father to act weird because of the news that he’s Chat Noir. But there’s weird and there’s leading him into the atelier and pausing before the painting of his mother with an odd smile.

“Isn’t she beautiful?” Gabriel says. “You look so much like her. Perhaps that’s why it’s been so hard to look at you. To see Emilie in you every time you’re around…”

“Perhaps that’s why it’s been so hard to look at you.” The words are like a slap in the face, leaving Adrien reeling back with an audible gasp that Gabriel seems to ignore. Plagg darts out and nuzzles against Adrien’s cheek to comfort him.

“It all makes sense. You’re never around when akumas attack. Adrien was never in danger because he had magic to protect him.” The hungry gleam in Gabriel’s eyes as he watches Plagg unblinkingly sends sick shivers down Adrien’s spine. He can’t shake the feeling that something’s going to happen, something massive, and it involves Gabriel, and…is Gabriel really Hawkmoth like they’d suspected all those months ago? It’s a thought he’s shelved for his own sanity, especially after Gabriel had been akumatised, but with the way Gabriel’s acting right now…

“F-Father?” Adrien croaks. “What’s going on?”

For a moment, Gabriel says nothing. Then he sighs and reaches out to press several spots of Emilie’s dress simultaneously, and the ground beneath them starts to descend so rapidly that Adrien yelps and instinctively clings to Gabriel’s arm. For some reason, Gabriel doesn’t even react and shake Adrien off like he normally would.

Okay. Another point for the “Gabriel is Hawkmoth” theory. Who the hell has an elevator installed in their atelier?

Oh. Shit. Gabriel could be Hawkmoth. And the Black Cat Miraculous is literally right next to him. Swallowing around the lump in his throat, Adrien pushes Plagg back into his shirt with the hand containing his Miraculous, wiggling his fingers until Plagg finally gets the message and the ring starts to slip off Adrien’s finger. If it comes down to it, so long as Plagg can get away with the ring and warn the others, that’s all that matters to Adrien right now.

“Come,” Gabriel says once the elevator grinds to a halt before a metal catwalk in a dark room. As he and Adrien cross the catwalk, lights begin to slam on, bathing the room in artificial fluorescence and revealing it to be full of greenery, with an odd, cylindrical object in the middle of the patch of grass.

“Father –”

“You must understand.” Gabriel stops next to the cylindrical thing and grabs Adrien by the shoulders. There’s so much tension in his hands that Adrien can’t help but wonder if he’s two seconds from snapping like a taut string and shaking the life out of his own son. “Everything I’ve done has been for you.”

“F-Father…are you Hawkmoth?” Adrien whispers. A corner of Gabriel’s mouth twitches.

“I never intended to hurt you,” Gabriel says. “One of my mortal enemies, my own son…well, there’s definitely a sense of poetry in that, is there not?”

The nausea bubbling inside Adrien threatens to rise into his throat at the confirmation; the confirmation that his father is the magical terrorist who’s been traumatising Paris all this time. No. No. It can’t be! Having that suspicion all the way back when he’d found the book and the brooch is nothing compared to having the confirmation before his eyes. But how can he warn the others?

“…the Butterfly’s akumas create internal change within the target themselves, and so a transformed Butterfly cannot affect themselves with an akuma.” Master Fu’s words from months ago come swimming to the forefront of Adrien’s mind. “And akumatising themselves when not transformed, without the safety net of the holder’s control over the akuma, can potentially have harmful effects on their psyche. Only a truly desperate holder would akumatise themselves.”

Is Gabriel really that desperate that his own son isn’t enough to stop him from going to these lengths? And just how much of this is Gabriel? How much has he been warped from akumatising himself into the Collector? Judging from the Collector’s single-minded drive to capture and collect everything around him, does that mean that Gabriel’s just gotten so much more obsessive about achieving his goal? If so, how dangerous is he to Adrien right now, and is he seeing Adrien…or Chat Noir?

“You’re a monster!” Adrien bursts out. “You’ve been terrorising Paris all this time, and for what? Ultimate power? A wish that comes with a price?”

“You don’t understand!” Gabriel shouts. Adrien takes a reflexive step back, then freezes when a small purple thing comes zooming out of Gabriel’s jacket and rests on Adrien’s shoulder. A…kwami with butterfly wings? Is this Nooroo?

“Master, you’re scaring your son!” Nooroo says in a little, high voice. “I’m sorry, Adrien. I never wanted to be part of any of this.”

Gabriel visibly takes a deep breath. “Very well. I’ll explain. And then you’ll see, Adrien, why you should help me in my goal.”

“I’ll never help –”

But the cylinder starts to whir and the top of it slides open before Adrien can finish his sentence, to reveal – to reveal – no –

“Mother?” Adrien claps a hand over his mouth to hold back the bile that rises at the sight of Emilie Agreste inside the cylinder – the coffin – with her eyes closed, dressed in a sleek white suit, looking as though she’s just sleeping rather than – rather than –

“She’s not dead,” Gabriel says as Adrien sinks to his knees and rocks back and forth, trying desperately to cope with the sudden influx of emotions coursing through him at the knowledge that his mother isn’t dead, she’s been here all this time, underneath his feet! “Merely damaged by the Peacock Miraculous. You ask why I want the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses? I want to fix the damage done to her, to bring your mother back for you!”

“Did Nooroo tell you there’s a price to pay?” Plagg comes darting out of Adrien’s shirt and hovers in front of Gabriel, thankfully without the ring. “You really wanna mess with the universe, Gabriel Agreste?”

“I know…sacrifice myself –”

“– don’t get to pick who –”

The whole exchange is distorted, like Adrien’s underwater, but it still somewhat registers in his frying brain. Desperate, he fumbles in his pocket for something, anything to ground him, and his fingers close around something bumpy, something that turns out to be a little charm when he pulls it out – Marinette’s lucky charm! Of course! His lucky charm from his lady!

“– universe could take Adrien, but you don’t seem to give enough of a shit about him –”

“– you dare –”

Adrien can’t breathe – why is the light so bright, why is his mother there, taunting him, just out of reach, little butterfly thing in front of him, mouthing something, but he can’t hear, he can’t hear, he can’t breathe, purple light, why did butterfly thing disappear –

“– universe would shift to accommodate – not just as simple as swapping a life for a life –”

“Enough!” Adrien clutches at his hair, yanking, gasping, struggling to draw in oxygen as black spots dance at the edge of his vision. “Why? Why? Why? Just leave me alone!”

“Adrien. Son. Look at me.”

Purely on autopilot, Adrien’s body obeys and when he looks up, his father is no longer there. No, now it’s a man with a silvery head mask, dressed in a purple suit – it’s Hawkmoth, his mortal enemy, his father –

“You can help me,” Hawkmoth says in a voice that sounds a million miles away. “Join me, son, and help me take Ladybug’s Miraculous. Then you’ll have your mother back. Isn’t that what you want?”

Hawkmoth’s words are smooth, honeyed, sticking to Adrien, trying to draw him into their trap. But…no. He’s a hero. He can’t betray his lady, his Marinette, all his friends, the world, just to bring back someone who he’s already started to move on from, because yeah, it hurts to think of Emilie, but he’s been making progress, he’s moving on –

“No,” Adrien gasps around the iron band constricting his chest. “I can’t. I won’t.”

“Don’t be selfish!” Hawkmoth hisses. “You want your mother back! I’m doing this for you!”

“Not like this!”

Hawkmoth sighs and flips open the top of his cane. “Then I have no choice.”

“Adrien, look out!” Plagg cries as an evil, dark butterfly emerges from the cane and makes a beeline for Adrien. He gasps and shuffles back, trying desperately to avoid it, because he can’t give in, he can’t betray everyone, but there’s nowhere to go, nowhere to run, why can’t he get away from this?

“Plagg! Please!” Adrien’s voice cracks as the akuma darts at his lucky charm, and he’s suddenly filled with despair, betrayal, he’s drowning in it, he wants to cry and scream and do something, anything, to fix this, to right this wrong that’s been done against him, he just wants it all to go away, he can’t cope –

“Be strong, kid!” says a voice through the fog as something brushes against his side.

“No!” Hawkmoth bellows, both far away and deep in Adrien’s mind, so deep that he can’t get away no matter how much he gasps and cries and tugs at his hair. “Fine. It matters not. You can just get the ring back for me.”

“No,” Adrien chokes. It’s clear in that moment that he’s not going to be able to hold out, not in his current state of mind, but if he can just hold on, he can give Plagg a chance to get away and then the ring will be safe from Hawkmoth.

“Yes.” The word reverberates through Adrien’s mind, compelling him to obey. “Phantom, you will obey me. I grant you the power to possess others, to control them and bend them to your will. Once you bring me the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculouses, you’ll have your mother back. Your family will be whole again. Do we have a deal?”

“N-No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Stopitstopitstopit – get out of my head –”

“Obey me!”

The direct order from his father slams into him both physically and mentally, unbalancing him, and that brief lapse in resistance is just what Hawkmoth needs, and cold, sickly power washes over Adrien, enveloping him, pushing him down into the abyss until everything is dark and he knows nothing…

Devoid of spirit, Phantom rises to his feet. The purple man in front of him grins, and he knows he should hate this man – Hawkmoth – but he just can’t muster up any feelings of hatred. He’s blank, floating in apathy, and it’s actually kind of blissful in a way, to not have to care about anything except what Hawkmoth tells him to do.

“Good boy, Phantom,” Hawkmoth purrs. “You’ll listen to your father, won’t you? Tell me: who is Ladybug? Who are the other Miraculous holders?”

Opening his mouth to follow that order is like a bucket of cold water falling on Phantom; he gasps and staggers back, then fumbles for the pitch-black bracelet around his ghostly white wrist to get this evil butterfly away, far away, and if he can get it to Ladybug – to Marinette – because he can’t betray his teammates, he can’t, if he has a smidgen of resistance then let it be for this –

“Enough!” Hawkmoth says, and Phantom sinks back beneath the waves of apathy, swaying on the spot as he awaits his next order, his resistance thoroughly squashed. “No matter. Phantom, you will simply take me to the other Miraculouses yourself.”

They’ll all be together at the Eiffel Tower, but that won’t be until tonight. And the thought of betraying Ladybug causes the faintest stirrings of some kind of feeling deep in Phantom’s core, so he steers himself as far away from it as possible so that he doesn’t have to leave this blissful apathy.

But if Hawkmoth wants Miraculouses, well, Phantom knows exactly where to go to get them.

[daz4i]

yknow i’m gonna keep rantin abt this bc i have juice in me

i don’t think skinny people realize how much it sucks to be fat

i spoke abt fashion earlier and well. the fashion industry is rigged against us. because we’re not meant to be seen! people don’t want to remember we exist!

buying clothes is a pain! there’s literally only one chain store in my entire country that sells clothes in my size, and they’re all really fucking ugly and meant for old ladies, mostly 

that’s one of the reasons i can only wear graphic tees tbh. they’re the only thing i can find (usually in special stores for that or ordered online) that can fit me, will be comfortable, and also not look too bad 

hoodies and other outwear and stuff? i have to buy online, usually about a few sizes more than might fit “just in case” because here they’re just not sold in my size at all! clothes that can look good in general just don’t ever get to my size tbh, even online

yknow, even if nice clothes were sold in my size, i’d probably not wear them bc like i said - we’re not meant to be seen. i’m not meant to draw looks. dressing nicely isn’t a thing i’m supposed to to. and if i did do that, i’d get mean comment, yknow? if i went in public with an outfit that draws attention, i guarantee you i’d get nasty comments about my weight.

not that i don’t get them already even when wearing bland shit, but that’s another topic lmao.

plus sized models are almost never truly fat. they’re curvy. plus sized men models are usually a bit chubby but even then, relatively flat stomaches (in comparison to their chests for example), nothing too extreme. fat girls who upload pics of them in nice outfits and get lots of love on social media? they’re all aesthetically pleasing girls, perfect fat girls. they still have the curvy body type that people like seeing, just a bit bigger. most fat people aren’t like that. you can barely see pictures of our bodies, because no one wants to see us, and that’s why we never show it.

and as i started saying earlier - going outside in general! that’s fucking terrifying to me as a fat person! i can vividly remember more than a few times people just told me gross shit over my weight - people i didn’t know, who just decided to tell me i’m fat/i should go on a diet when they saw me in public (or at school, and no, it wasn’t another student). i can’t go outside without thinking “someone is going to laugh at me because i’m fat. someone will call me out for that. someone is going to say a nasty comment”. i can’t afford to wear eye grabbing clothes, not money wise, but emotionall - because if i get people’s attention, i’ll also get bad people’s attention. but really, i don’t even need to wear unique stuff for that - it’s enough that i just exist and fatphobes will be sure to mention how gross my body is to them, whether i asked or not (spoiler alert, i never ask).

you may say “just lose weight” but it’s not easy!!!! i’ve always been fat! and i probably always will be! it’s genes, i’m guessing. really, even when i went on diets before, even when i was watching what i eat and did sports, nothing’s changed - it’s just my body. you know, when i did lose weight - about 20kg/44 lbs - nothing changed either? i went down one pants size. i still looked p much still very fat. so even if i go to a healthy weight, there’s a very good chance i’ll still look fat. also, just to be clear, i lost that weight because i couldn’t eat for about 2 months. not a very healthy way to diet, if you ask me, and yes i already gained them all back, p quickly actually, bc i wasn’t supposed to lose that weight in the first place, bc that’s my body! that’s how it looks and that’s how it is!

honestly the whole matter of losing weight is kinda fucked up too. you hear abt celebrities mention it recently, how they managed to get thin quickly by going on extreme diets that were super unhealthy and they also had personal trainers and were actually almost always hungry. and they usually don’t even start that fat either. imagine if the average fat person could even get access and afford the whole thing these celebrities have, it’d still take us months of this hell to actually be thin, which i imagine is.... not very healthy. honestly, usually when you see people lose a lot of weight in a few months, they usually only became fat in the first place p quickly too and didn’t start out as fat. if a person who has always been fat tried it, i don’t even think it’ll work. like i said about my own weight loss: my body gained this weight back super quickly, because that’s its natural form and what it’s supposed to be. maybe with an intense and strict diet for a few years i could manage to lose this much weight again. but why would i want to? especially since i have a good feeling that if i break this diet i’ll just gain it back too. and yeah, i probably would only go down by a size or two at best. 

and!!! i’m not even THAT fat!!!! when i go to that chain store i mentioned earlier, i’m actually along the lower sizes they sell! if i wear the right clothes and hold myself properly and don’t try to do things like jump or w/e, i’m still fat but it’s not a thing people really notice unless they look for it, really. i can go up in sizes when shopping in online plus size shops if i want things to fit loosely. i have it easy. THAT’S easy. i can’t even imagine what it’s like to be fatter than i am, or have less ~aesthetically pleasing~ (in the eyes of skinny people) fat destribution than i do, but i’m guessing it’s even rougher tbh.

it sucks man! it fucking sucks ass! we’re not allowed to exist! we’re not allowed to be physically seen! we’re here to be a laughing stock or to be used as a bad example or to be a villain in a kids movie, and that’s it! skinny people don’t wanna see us unless it’s in a bad context! they hate us for existing! fat = bad is such a normalized idea that even when someone points out to anyone that they gained weight, not even in a malicious way, my blood literally runs cold. scenes in movies where to show how a character is doing bad they get fat (peter b parker in spiderverse, thor in endgame are just 2 examples i have in mind rn)? that’s another way to normalize this idea. skinny people can say they don’t mind fat, that they love ~girls with a little meat on the bone~, they can go years without saying anything directly fatshaming, but they still see stuff like that - heck, even create stuff like that - and don’t realize how damaging it is and how much it makes me and probably other fat people too not want to go outside even more. fatphobia is poison you don’t even notice is in you unless you’re fat too. 

[jay-wells-writes]

Something different.

Now I understand that this is not what you all follow me for. But this is something that is close to my heart and I wanted to share it with you all. But I can tell you that it is said and it may hold triggers to some. I can tell you that it talks about death, miscarriages/still born, and abortion. Those triggers are in passing, nothing more. They are important to what I wanted to share with you. But if that isn't your thing, I completely understand.  

When you think February, you think Valentine's Day. And if you will have a date for the night or if you would be alone. But other then my husband’s birthday, there is 2 other reason why this month is important. And neither one evolves around Valentine’s Day.

Each month you see Awareness for one thing or another. And in my eyes, each and everyone is important. But some get way more acknowledgement. How ironic that the two most important to me fall on the same month. When I first started to write this out I set out to make you cry. But the more I wrote the more I felt like it was a paper you would write for school. It told the story, but it didn't give you an idea on what it felt like for me, to live through it.

Alyzea aka Ali was born October of 2011. Normal pregnancy and easy delivery. But the day Ali turned 7 weeks old, we were thrown into a world that I never knew about. Because Ali was born with a broken heart. And then, at the age of three, our world was once again turned upside down when we learned she also was born with a genetic disorder called Mosaic Turner’s Syndrome. But let's talk dive into the heart defect first.

As mentioned above Ali was 7 weeks old when we learned she had a heart defect called Aortic Stenosis, with a Unicuspid Aortic Valve. Oh, did I fail to mention that Ali was also in Congestive Heart Failure? And also being airlifted to another children’s hospital. Are you lost yet? So were we. This all happened in one day. But as they say in commercials, just wait! It gets better. We learned this all in one day, after a week of fighting with our doctor. From the beginning shall we?

A week before this shit storm I started to notice that Ali wasn’t eating like she should, took her to the doctors and they told us “It's just a cold” nothing to worry about as long as you are getting wet diapers. There was no need to worry. So all week long, I watched as our daughter was eating less and less. Soon eating less turned into sleeping all day and breaking out in sweats. Each time I called the doctors, “oh it’s just a cold”. Soon everyone was telling me, “it’s just a cold”. Including my own mother.

Then one night my daughter went the whole night without giving me a wet diaper, almost nine hours actually. So I make the same call I had been all week. This time they tell me, sometimes babies don't pee at night. It is normal. She needs to go more than eight hours during the day.

While I was on the phone with my mom, bitching, I could hear my dad in the background telling me to just take her in. So I did. The urgent care doctor looked at her and told me that she was dehydrated. And needed to go to the ER for I.V. fluids. At the ER, Ali got her fluids, they ran blood work, and did a chest x-ray. And everything came back normal. So they sent us home and told us to follow up with the doctor the next day.

Next day. The following morning I ran the hubby to work and made an appointment with the nurse practitioner for 9 o’clock that morning. On my way home the hospital called and told me they had another person look over our daughters x-ray. And it showed that Ali’s heart was slightly enlarged and had fluid around her lungs. I don't even make it home before the doctor's office was calling me, telling me the nurse practitioner didn't feel comfortable seeing my daughter and they wanted to send me to the other office 30 minutes away, because they actually had a peds office. Ok I know what you are thinking. Why the hell was I going there in the first place?! Well, because my whole life I saw a family doctor and thought if I did it, why couldn’t Ali?

Anyways, the only issue there, was they couldn't get Ali in till much later in the afternoon. Once home my mother in law told me that she was able to get Ali to eat, but then she puked it all back up. Time seemed to slow down as I waited to leave. And the whole time I waited, Ali slept.

Soon it was time to meet Dr. W, a women who soon became a major part of Ali’s life. This women took one look at Ali and knew something wasn't right. But the x-ray report made no sense, so she called in another doctor. And that's when they told me to take her to a children’s hospital, where she was admitted

Fast forward the rest of that day and into the next. All of Ali’s test showed the same thing. Her heart was enlarged and she had fluid on her lungs. While they were doing her echo-cardiogram Dr. L came in. He took one look at her echo and told me that she was in congestive heart failure and needed to be airlifted to another children’s hospital that was equipped to work with her. Before I knew it he had four nurses taking her away to the PICU. And by the time I made it down the hall, four turned into ten. And I watched through a window as they all worked on Ali. Tell me, have you ever looked on as a 8 lb baby laid in an adult size bed and was surrounded by strangers?  They tried to get me to leave and go to the waiting room, but I wouldn't. They shut the blinds to make me move, and I still didn't. I finally moved when the PICU doctor stood outside her door and yelled for them to make me move.

Because we thought that “It was just a cold” my husband had went to work that morning. So when all this went down I was alone. They called a chaplain to sit with me while I waited for my parents to come. After talking with my husband he agreed that staying near the house was the best thing and that when I got home we would travel to the new hospital together.

Although I was hurting I managed to keep it together and it wasn't until my parents walked in did I lose it. I became mad, I was mad at the doctors because I fucking knew something was wrong and they all pushed it to the side, I was pissed at Dr. L because he came across as in personal and after telling me Ali was sick he left the room only to come back minutes later to move her. But my dad stopped that train of thought when he asked me, “what was more important, my feelings or my daughter's life?” I was even mad at my mom for not believing me. But when I looked into her eyes I saw the guilt that was eating at her. And I knew I could never stay mad. But the one person I was most upset with, was myself. Because I let myself start to believe that maybe everyone was right, that maybe it was just a cold and I should back off.

At the other Children’s hospital I remember the respiratory therapist telling me that when Ali first got to them she didn't think Ali would make it, because the ventilator was doing all of her breathing for her. The night before her surgery I remember calling my little sister and crying. Telling her that my baby was fighting for her life and I couldn’t do anything. That I just wanted my baby to be ok. Nothing she could say could make it better, so she just sat there and listen as I cried my eyes out. I remember the surgeon telling us that she had a 10% chance of surviving the heart cath. But all the same we signed the papers and watched as they took her back. For 2 hours we sat and waited. Till they told us she made it out of surgery and she was doing just fine. She ended up spending a week in the hospital. Coming home on Thanksgiving. For the first few months after, it was hell. Because any little thing she did that wasn't right we would begin to panic. When I told you that Dr. W was an amazing women, I meant it. Because anytime I went into panic mode she was there to tell me that it was ok. And that I had every right to be that freaked out. But it was Dr. L that made me realize I couldn't live in the past. Because if I sat there thinking of the what if’s I would miss out on everything that's happening now.

Ali had another heart cath done at 5 months old. And hasn't had any issues since then. But that doesn't mean she is out of the woods. She will have to have open heart surgery at some point. There is no if ands or buts about it. It is in her cards.

That means at some point we will have to sign papers allowing doctors to cut open our daughter’s chest, reach inside of her and hook her to a machine that will act as her heart while they work on hers. That means her heart will have to stop beating in order for them to do their job. And there is no way around it.

With the help of a great community online, I have made many friends that have been through what I have. But not everyone's stories turn out like ours. Ryder and Liam are only two of the thousand that have lost their fight. Both at a very young age. Here is something you may not have known. In the United States, nearly twice as many kids die from congestive heart defects then all forms of childhood cancers…. Combined. It also affects 1 out of 100 children.

Ali is 1 out of 100, but she is also 1 out of 2000. As stated above Ali was also born with a genetic disordered called Mosaic Turner’s Syndrome. Now this story may not be as bad as her heart defect, but I can guarantee it will make you just as mad.

This story actually goes back to when Ali was in the hospital fighting for her life. As part as the hospitals procedure, Ali was tested genetically. But we never received any results. Which I chalked up to as a good thing. I mean who wouldn't? We had just brought our daughter home. Lab results were the farthest thing from my mind.

But as Ali continued to grow more medical issues came about. But nothing that screamed at me. She was considered non verbal, she showed signs of autism that turned out to be sensory processing disorder, and she suffered from constant ear infections. It was only after talking with other mother’s online did I begin to question if we should have her tested. Of course I forgot about the one done when she was an infant. So I asked her doctor if they could run one, and of course they agreed. The geneticists ended up setting up a bunch of tests for Ali. And after she got some of them back, she went to work looking through Ali’s medical file. And on the very bottom of her cardiologist notes she found test results dated for November of 2011. And those test results showed that Ali tested for Mosaic Turner’s. That's right, that second children’s hospital knew about the Turner’s but never told any of her doctors.

As you can imagine, we were beyond pissed off. I called Dr. L and he was out of the office, when I called Dr. W she was calling me back within 10 minutes and she talked with me for a good hour about everything Turner’s meant. And bright an early the next morning Dr. L was calling me apologizing for not seeing that report. But it wasn't his fault and I don't blame him. It wasn't like they actually told him. They just sent it over to him along with all of their notes.

See I told you this story wasn't as gut wrenching as the heart defect. But that doesn't mean it isn't gut wrenching. Ali is 2%.

That is the survival rate of girls born with Turner’s Syndrome. The other 98% don't make it to birth. What is even more heartbreaking is doctors actually tell mothers that the survival rate is so low they should just terminate their pregnancies.

If you look back at Ali’s story you can see that the deck was stacked against her from the beginning. And she came out on top both times. And even though she has been through hell, she never lets it show. As a friend says, Ali is a free spirit and you can’t help but love her. She is very empathetic and she cares about others. She dances to the beat of her own drum and she could care less if you follow. And she is the reason why February is so damn important to me.

[fuck-customers]

time to jump ship

TLDR: i hate the job i used to love, i want to strangle every customer, i hate surveys, i hate food waste, i hate my coworkers. specific story at the end. im so sorry this is so long but ive been bottling it up for months now. content warning for biphobia i guess?

i work at the place where guac is extra and our store is kind of in the danger zone for being closed. apparently all that means is 2 weeks of being closed with some training or whatever, but i really dont want to deal with that. my gm has been pushing me [a person she never EVER puts on the fucking line because we have like, 3 cashiers myself included] to tell customers about our survey, bc at one point our score was...14%. the lowest in the state. you wanna know why its so fucking low? you wanna know? bc we're located in the ritzy part of the area [its like 4 cities just smashed into each other], and the bulk of our customers are people on their lunch break who blow $13 on a shitty burrito with like 3 things inside it, go back to the office, inhale their food and then get back to work. they dont have time for surveys! plus, why the FUCK are the surveys so important?! yes, our profit margin is small, but that doesnt mean we arent making sales! the sales are there! the lack of complaints should be proof enough that out of every 200 customers, only one says anything bad! and its always some shit like "when i asked for a little more meat, the employee put 3 pieces of chicken in my bowl. i didnt want double but i wanted more meat!" or like "i didnt know guac was extra" WE. HAVE. SIGNS. ON. THE. GLASS. THEYRE RIGHT THERE. YOU HAD TO LOOK RIGHT AT THEM TO SEE THAT GUAC IS EXTRA. ITS YOUR FAULT. i hate the surveys so fucking much bc i ring up over a 100 people a day and we get maybe 2 back...its such a waste of breath.

the waste of these people too. it was absolutely terrible at my last job [god of bread cafe] but jeez...why get guac if youre not going to eat it? why get your kid food if hes just gonna throw the rice on the floor, take one bite out of the quesadilla, and you toss the rest? do you know what a to-go lid is? clearly they do, because theyll get a shitload of food, order it to-go, then SIT DOWN, pull it ALL OUT OF THE BAG, eat it all, then throw the bag away. those bags cost money! stop wasting our bags! fuck all of you! 

and since our turnover rate is so high, scheduling is an issue. i like my gm, i really do, but shes so...bad at the schedule. im supposed to be off at 3 every shift. im never off at 3. the next cashier comes in at 3. im supposed to have all my shit done by 3, meaning my drawer counted, money deposited, checkout done, and clocked out. if im the only cashier, who tf gonna ring customers while im doing that? the manager. except they never get drawers. they just dont want to. and my gm never wants to schedule the next cashier at, oh i dont know, 2:45? so they can count and put their drawer in so i can leave?? on time?? thats all it takes, but no, because of labor that wont happen.

call me insecure, call me a prude, call me a killjoy, but when my coworkers just stand around and roast each other and pretend to throw insults back and forth, it creates this air of pure hostility that i cant stand. stop being 10 years old! do your work! shut the fuck up and fry chips! cut peppers! why do you feel the need to insult each other so much?! it makes me want to just clock out and leave most days. plus, the closing cashiers rarely ever fill up the ice bin. this whole year ive been working here, ive been filling the bin all the way to the damn lid after peak. lo and behold, the reason id have to throw like 8 buckets worth of ice [each bucket is easily 30 lbs, im 105. i carry 2 at a time] in there was because closing cash NEVER FILLS IT. EVER. its always half full at best. so i said fuck it, if theyre not going to do it for me, then i wont break my back lifting those damn things for them just bc the closing crew is so lazy. plus theres so much homophobia/transphobia underneath a lot of what they talk about sometimes. one of my lesbian coworkers looked me straight in the face and said "i could never date a bi person. what if they cheat on me?" im bi. my gm is a lesbian, and her gf is bi. a girl that recently quit is also bi. like, i actually really liked this coworker but then she showed her true colors so fuck her i guess!

anyway, a special fuck you to the old hag that came through the line today w a chicken queso bowl. expo said to me "chicken with queso" and she said "but dont charge me for the queso" i just kinda smiled and laughed it off and rang it up. and she said again "seriously, dont charge me, im a senior" so, bitch? i told her the total [8.77 as opposed to 7.42] and she was like "yall dont do senior discounts here? the other store never charges me" no you obstinate cow, we have NEVER done senior discounts, and youre definitely LYING. if you wanted your free queso so bad you should have gone to that store honey! she grumbled but paid with a 10. you dont get to tell me what to not ring up. ive never seen you before in my life. i couldnt care less what the ~other store~ does for you, supposedly. this isnt that store. die mad about it.

[svetlanabelikova]

JOURNALING V

content warning:

weight loss/talking about weight

medical/surgical discussions

it has been awhile since i updated anyone casually interested in this part of my life, hasn’t it. 

well, part of that is b/c i’ve been busy. holidays and everything, also i’ve started a work out routine, but i’ll get into that in a moment. also i didn’t have any doctor appointments for like, literally 3 weeks straight, which was nice. much better than speed running it like i had been.

today is 11.11.19, (make a wish if you believe in that sort of thing) and i’ve decided i no longer want surgery.

let me back up here.

so, let me re-read my last post just to remember what i need to fill in... ah yes, the fun i had w/ the x-ray. that feels like it happened months and months ago.

well, since then , i’ve been trying to get my life a lot more organized. i’ve started a (bullet) journal (mostly b/c i love watching the aesthetic set-up videos on youtube) and in it have been tracking my progress by the numbers. for the first few weeks of trying to lose weight, i was weighing myself every other day, sometimes more than that. i became obsessive and felt like the numbers weren’t enough. i wasn’t losing enough and one weekend i had gained back like 1.7 lbs or something. but seeing any increase in the numbers upset me. even though when we are talking about 1 or 2 pounds in someone that’s got over 300 of them, it isn’t the same as if someone is more like a buck fifty. 

being able to put it down somewhere physical and then keep a log so i can see the numbers adding up or going down in a catalog has been very helpful for my mental health. having just the numbers on a paper has allowed me to watch my weight go from 349 in the beginning of october to where it currently is (or was as of 11.6 i only weigh myself every other wednesday. why wednesday and why every other week, i don’t know. it just seemed like more than once a month but less than every week. a good distance between not enough and too much) which is 329 lbs. 

when put to paper, 20 pounds in a month is, i think, great. i know everyone says “oh the first 10-12 pounds comes off so easily!” but not from where i’m standing. i have been working for those 20 pounds. 

speaking of working, let’s dig into that piece of proverbial pie i teased earlier. 

i have a work-out routine. which is the first time i’ve said that in,,, probably ever. i know while in school i technically had one in p.e. class but let’s be honest. i did not give it my all and would take any opportunity to skip if i could. now it is just me, alone w/ my dark synthwave music and the pedometer built into pokemon go.

yeah, i could download a real work-out app that would track this stuff for me, but my phone’s memory is full to bursting and listen, i need to walk my buddy and eggs. i’ve got friends on pokemon go that need gifts and it is already built-in w/ this new adventure sync, so might as well use what i have.

so, i work out every monday, wednesday and friday night. i usually leave the house a little before 9pm and try to be back a little after 10pm. just about an hour. in that hour i walk down my street (which is pretty long imo), around the corner to the pokestop at the park, around the park, back down my street and return home. in the beginning i just walked around my street, or just to the stop (which is 0.7km from my front door) but as i’ve built up stamina, i’ve been able to walk all the way around the park. actually my goal for november, is to start walking around the park twice a night, at least once a week. 

on average it is about 3,400 steps(or roughly 3.5 kms) and an hour of activity, 3 nights a week. i doesn’t seem like a lot but:

1. it is an hour of cardio every other day that i was not doing before, and 2. additional movement that adds up

i walked a combined 40,881 steps in october 2019 while working out. that is on top of whatever else i did while shopping or playing w/ the kids or what have you. 

and i plan to add more. i found a great video on youtube that is all about basic, beginner yoga for curvy people. the instructor talks about doing yoga to your size and abilities and not letting anyone tell you that you can’t do yoga b/c you’re fat. i don’t buy into the idea that yoga can directly help you loose large amounts of weight, but what it will do is help build up muscle in my legs and relieve tension in my back, which will then allow me to walk longer and w/ less pain. after forty minutes or so of fast walking, my knee starts to scream and my back burns. hopefully by adding in this yoga that concentrates on thighs, calves and back, where most big people have issues, it will help me target issue areas, deal w/ them in a low-impact way, then save energy and build up stamina to push myself in other ways.

i also want to eventually start adding weight training into my work-out routine.  gods, it still sounds so bougee to say i have a ‘work out routine’, but there you have it. 

i’ve also begun to overhaul my eating habits. for breakfast, 6 days a week, i have a protein shake. water and soy milk mixed w/ a plant-based protein powder and an additive of instant coffee. sugar free, dairy free. and awful. i hate them. i’ve tried a few different ones and they are all fucking awful, but i drink them anyway. 

i also usually eat a salad or soup for lunch. i’ve been finding a lot of really great salad combinations on top of rediscovering my love of salads. when i first went vegetarian, i was big into salads but eventually, it became easier to buy those premade, frozen veggie-friendly meals. like all that Amys’ food or the MorningStar brand (which still conjures ideas of satan-worshipping vegans, but hey, i can dig it). i’m trying to find pre-paired salad meals. i found this really good asian inspired salad that had friend wonton strips and a wonderful sesame seed sauce. so good. each bag can make 3 lunches for me, so it is great to stretch them out. also did you know that most cans of soup are technically 2 servings? i didn’t.

that was probably my biggest problem w/ food that i’ve addressed: what constitutes an actual serving size? 

before last month, i assumed a serving size was what looked right. like in the case of the soup, i assumed if it all fit in a soup bowl, it was 1 serving. 1 can of soup can fit in 1 soup bowl so it would make sense, right? nope. 1 serving of canned soup is actually about half the can or roughly 1 cup of liquid. which doesn’t seem like a lot. 

so i’ve stuck to salads. 2 and a half cups of salad is like, i don’t know, 35 cal. so, i can go hog wild, prepare a giant ramen bowl full of salad w/ carrots, onions, a sprinkle of slivered almonds, a splash of lite raspberry vinaigrette, and some sliced, uncured ham and that is lunch, baby!

dinner is pretty untouched, other than i eat on children’s plates now. i heard somewhere from some dietian on a show or something that eat on smaller plates, like children’s plates, helps trick your mind that you are eating more than you actually are. your eyes see a plate full up w/ food rather than eating a little food on a large plate, it is the same amount of “little food” but looks more filling on a little plate. i don’t know if it is true, but i feel like it helps me portion food out better. if a helping of potatoes can’t fit in the little sectioned off children’s plates, it is probably too much potatoes. rip

dessert has been downsized, if i have it at all. 3 thin oreos rather than like, a bowl of cereal. a 1/4 of soy ice cream rather than however much i can pile into a small bowl. 

so that is the update: breakfast is a protein shake lunch is soup or salad dinner is served on a child’s plate dessert is 3 thin oreos. 

maybe this week i will start keeping a calorie count, just to get an idea of what my average is compared to the 2,000 cal/day suggestion.

ok, so that was already a lot, but i did mention that i had suddenly taken a large left turn when it came to the surgery. my last journal update was all about how i was excited to blind, no walkthrough, speedrun this so i could get cleared for the surgery on like january 1, 2020. well, ha ha, nevermind. 

this latest class i went to was enlightening. i mean they all have been so far, for different reasons and in different ways. the first class was about what kind of choices we had. did we want to take mediation? did we want to go to food addicts anonymous? did we want surgery? so this new class i went to on 11.7, was a follow-up to the surgical path.

i was already on the fence about disfiguring my insides. the idea of slicing off 2/3 my stomach rearranging my intestines already sounds horrifyingly frankenstineian to me. it sounds like something midevil doctors would come up w/ while snorting morphine or something. but, i was assured that it was the best option, that it was incredibly safe, it was done all the time, it had great success, etc. 

i allowed myself to be talked into it. i relented and bought into the dream they were spinning for me. 

not after this class. the amount of insanity that is involved, even beyond, again, the whole cutting off and throwing away 2/3 of your stomach, there is some buck wild rules you have to abide after the surgery. i wrote them down (which i was the only one that did. in a class of 9-10 people, i was the only person taking notes and the only person horrified by what i was hearing):

- lose hair first 3-9 months (me, a person w/ thin hair: oh yikes) - will need to take as many as 12 vitamins a day (me, a person that hates taking any medication) - will not be able to take any medication other than liquid/pills will pass thru tiny stomach too fast to be effective (me, a person that hates liquid medication w/ a passion), only tylenol allowed; all medication from doctors must be liquid or chewable - 70% of patients need a follow-up surgery (WHAT) - no smoking (that’s fine) no alcohol (hang on....) after surgery. ever - ideal meals after surgery: 60-100g protein, 40-80g produce, no carbs, no sugar (wait...) - eat a meal every 4 hr.s or so (that seems like overkill) - no carbonated drinks, no drinks w/ sugar/cal (but i love my fizzy drinks :c this is bullshit) - chew each bite 20-30 times, every meal should last a half hour (that’s normal for me anyway, i’m a slow eater but idk how i’m supposed to chew soup 20-30 times) - 30 min.s of activity/day (got that covered, chief) - go to support groups (no thanks, don’t wanna listen to other ppl complain and the idea of being open to other ppl,,, in real life, where they can see me? absolutely not, how dare you) - 64oz of liquid/day (is that not normal? i already drink that much, if not more) - only able to drink a shotglass amount of liquid at a time or risk vomiting (WAIT) - drink every 15 min.s, possibly even during the night (HANG ON) - no drinks w/ meals, stop drinking about 30 min.s before meal and don’t resume until 30 min.s after meal otherwise it will wash food away too quickly to be absorbed by tiny stomach (HOLD THE HECKIN’ PHONE)

at w/ that, the instructor ended the class b/c there were no questions. i was in shock. all i wanted to do was be like those tik tok kids that recreate meme images but i wanted to become the living embodiment of this gif:

literally, i looked over at my mom, who was sipping on a soda and scrolling through facebook for most of the class and went “nevermind, i don’t want surgery”.

i think she thought i was joking. she laughed and waved it off, but the... the existential dread i felt in that moment. this,,,, this was what old howard was shooting for when he wrote about all that cosmic horror. this feeling that i was the only one seeing the insanity in that classroom.... i was the only one that realized that it was madness. how would a person drink 64oz od liquid a day, broken down into 1oz at a time, but not w/n an hour of eating and also having to eat every four hours. that means you’d have to somehow shove 64oz, broken down to 4oz an hour, for 3 hours, then not drink anything for an hour, over only 16 hours. you couldn’t drink anything for 4 of those hours while you eat your tiny baby meals for your tiny baby stomach. i’m not great at math but it doesn’t seem physically possible to me and yet everyone in the class were just nodding their heads like “yes, of course old chap. perfectly reasonable.”

i’d rather continue to starve myself, and work-out. theoretically, if i continue to lose about 20 pounds a month, i will lose my goal weight by may 2020. sure it would be faster w/ surgery. it might be technically easier w/ surgery but everything in my mind tells me that the surgery is wrong. that it isn’t sustainable. i don’t want this surgery and i certainly don’t want the second stage of this surgery 10 yr.s down the road. if you think cutting 2/3 of your stomach out is upsetting, the image of the second step surgery in which they take that rough banana shape of a stomach and stretch it out into what is effectively, A STRAW. 

A STRAW.

and once more: A STRAW!!

i could get behind having a banana-shaped stomach, but a straw in which the food literally just,,, falls through you is grotesque. 

gonna be a big, fatty NOPE from me, chief. hard pass. 

[marinette-sky]

Cigarettes and Leather Ch. 4

Long time no see!! (Again)

School got crazy and im stressed to the Max atm. But I really wanted to finish this chapter before AP Exams sooo

;;;;;)

Anyways, Ladybug and Chat Noir finally make their appearance! Along with some other things, but you'll see later...

(also, if you're confused on some of the stuff in the chapter that has to do with the french school system, just see the end notes)

Summary: Chat Noir is adorable, and Ladybug more then agrees (and so does Marinette).  

Word Count: 4,000+ 

A week had gone by since Marinette had (albeit strangely) resolved to become friends with Adrien-freaking-Agreste.

A week had gone by since Marinette had (albeit strangely) resolved to become friends with Adrien-freaking-Agreste.

A whole week.

A week.

Only a week.

Ladybug paced back and forth on the gravel roof she occupied, hands clasped behind her back out of habit. Below her, cars honked, lights blurred, and soft music of all sorts overlaid the pressing silence in her conscience as she contemplated events from the past few days.

Life had been almost the same, except Adrien and she had been hanging around each other more often than all four of their years in college combined. For one, his presence had frequented their homeroom almost every day that week, including early morning roll-call (which he never used to attend). He had stopped sitting in the back, instead opting to sit in the front with Nino, even if all they did was mess around and get scolded by Mrs. Bustier (Alya griped that her boyfriend was being wooed away by Adrien more and more). He was even seen around the courtyard by many people during their lunch period, even though it was resoundingly known that he smoked cigarettes behind the school wall where the cameras couldn’t catch him during that time frame.

It would good to mention the eye contact they made throughout all this was embarrassingly excessive, as they were constantly stealing glances at each other in plain sight.

It would also be good to mention that the glances increased in number when they were alone together in detention.

And the blushing, a voice in her head chimed unhelpfully, lots of blushing!

Ladybug groaned out loud, practically stomping in place to expel the thought from her mind.

God, spare me from these weird emotions!

In the span of seven days, the relationship she had with Adrien had been accelerating at a fast rate, as well as the way she felt about him. She knew she needed to take their friendship at a slower pace, but chatting with him had recently become her favorite pastime. Adrien had a lot of hidden qualities she didn’t know about until now, and every interaction brought a new surprise for her to take delight in.

Except…

She still has yet to see that soft side of him she saw on the steps of their school, with his sunny smile and soft pink cheeks.

Of course, even with all his personality traits he had been hiding from her now up in the air, Adrien was still the flirtatious rebel who wore leather and cussed far more than a person who smoked three times a day should; his temper was still intact too, in addition to his show-off attitude. It is unfair to expect him to warm up to her enough to show her such a reserved part of him in the short time they’ve been getting to know each other; just as she had certain things she uncomfortable with opening up to him about, it was vice-versa for Adrien (she suspected).

Even so…

If it took as long as their last day on campus, Marinette was determined to coax that shining part of him from beneath all the storm clouds and smog. She didn’t know why, but that brief, brief interaction with the other Adrien felt so familiar and tangible, like she was looking at her favorite design or talking with Chat Noir.

At least, that’s how she felt but maybe she was mistaking the feeling for something it wasn’t.

It would just be nice to see Adrien relax and enjoy everyone’s company, because he is definitely on most of the class’s shit list as of late.

Then again, when is he not?

God, I should stop thinking about this now.

Ladybug stopped walking to look up at the night sky, pleased to find the stars winking down in greeting. She let her gaze wander from the stars to the streets, allowing her eyelids to crescent pleasantly. It was a cool, breezy October evening, the perfect weather for that period in the month. This was her absolute favorite time of year to patrol Paris, with the autumn season at its peak and the atmosphere of serenity overlaying their beautiful city (along with the multi-colored leaves!). Everything seemed so connected and harmonious it was hard for Marinette not to escape life for a little while and appreciate her surroundings for what they were worth.

That is, until Tikki scolds me for not doing my homework.

Chuckling at the memory, the female began scanning the Paris scape for a familiar figure, searching for any sign of her partner. Chat Noir always arrived at their meeting spot around this time, but tonight it was apparent he would be late.

As long as he isn’t too late, or else we’ll be out until two in the morning again…

“Ladybug!” A voice from behind shouted, and Marinette smiled.

Speak of the devil.

She turned to address the voice, extending an arm in the air as a hello.

“Chat Noir! Little late, aren’t we?” She teased as the male landed on the roof, earning a shy smile in return.

Cutie.

“I’m sorry, m’lady! I was so busy with my shoot-…I mean my civilian stuff that time just flew by, you know? Haha…” Chat Noir tittered, rubbing the back his neck. Ladybug just shook her head good naturedly and patted his shoulder in reassurance.

“I’m kidding, kitty. You were only a few minutes’ late, not a few hours…unlike last time.” She added, frowning slightly as she recalled a particularly nasty akuma that had cropped up the night that Chat just had to be absent for three hours. By the time he arrived at the scene, Ladybug had successfully stopped the akuma and handed over the victim to the police. He profusely apologized for a good fifteen minutes before Marinette felt bad and forgave him with her kindest smile. He really is too nice for his own good.

“Last time will never happen again, I purr-omise you! Besides, I now have an alarm on my phone that goes off whenever its patrol night!” Chat smiled proudly, revealing pearly white teeth for Ladybug to admire. His cheeks dimpled while a soft blush dusted his slightly-scrunched nose, and Ladybug forgot how to speak for a moment.

How can someone in a leather body suit manage to be so damn adorable?!?! This is unfair!

“R-Really? That’s smart, why haven’t I thought of it before…” She mumbled, looking away to hide her bashful expression. Chat cocked his head to the side in confusion at her reaction, but shrugged it off shortly after.

“Haha, dunno, sounds like a you problem. You know, I’m the brain and you’re the brawn?” Chat joked nudging her with his elbow and grinning like an idiot. Ladybug nudged him right back, adding a little more force to hers. He lost his footing for a split second, arms spiraling to regain balance.

“I’m the brawn alright, kitty.” She remarked, watching the sheepish blush return to his face.

He can be so shy sometimes, I worry.

Chat Noir coughed, shaking the banana locks from that were obscuring his vision out of his face. His emerald stare landed on her again, more serious, which caused butterflies to erupt in her stomach. Although they were surrounded by the jade of his retina, she could tell the shade would be absolutely stunning without the mask.

You can’t have thoughts like this Marinette you know the rules!

“I think we should start our patrol, now, m’lady. You know that I know that we both have homework to get home to before tomorrow.” Chat took on a slightly scolding tone, referencing to the fact that it was a Sunday night and they both procrastinated all weekend.

Well, I did at least, Marinette felt herself grimace as she thought of the tablet full of literature and art history homework waiting on her work desk in her room.

Chat Noir took out his vault, readying it for launch until Ladybug swiftly clasped his tail, causing him to yelp in surprise.

“Not so fast, mister! We need to discuss a little something-something!” Ladybug exclaimed brightly, her homework all but forgotten.

Chat gave her a cautionary glance, looking from the landscape beyond them to her face. He retracted his staff immediately and placed it on his back holster, ears perked in curiosity; his lips curled into a nervous smile.

“What do you mean, m’lady?” He batted his eyelashes out of habit, and Marinette had to hold back a tickled squeal. He was so good looking, even with the mask, it was hard to cope sometimes.

Really hard.

Marinette swallowed, clearing her throat and straightening her posture.

“Your birthday is coming up, right? Next week, I think?” Ladybug asked directly, cheeks reddening ever so subtly.

Chat blinked at her slowly.

“Yeah…next Monday, the 20th . Why do you ask?” He fiddled with his hands, tapping his claws on his wrists.

“Why do I ask? Isn’t it obvious, kitty! We should do something nice, like hang out. Whatever age you’re turning, I’m sure it’s worth celebrating.” Ladybug gave him a mega-watt smile, taking his hands into hers with excitement etched into her body language.

Chat broke into a grin, holding her hands back with more force then necessary. He looked breath taking like that while bathed by the moonlight and stars.

“Wait, really? Are you serious? I’d love to do something with my best friend!” The words ‘best friend’ fractured Ladybug’s heart, but she forced herself to get over it. Not now, dummy.

“That’s good to hear, kitty! We can discuss what the birthday boy agenda is on Tuesday’s patrol, but for now I think we need to start this one.” Marinette giggled happily, tugging her poor fingers from Chat’s iron-like grip. “You know, before we turn into pumpkins.” She winked.

Play it cool, LB, play it cool.

“Awesome! Purr-fect! I think I can manage to wait until Tuesday for this.” Chat once again took out his staff, this time with more finality. “Race you to the first lookout point. Last one there is a ball of yarn.”

Ladybug rolled her eyes at his cheesy parody, slipping her yoyo from her hip and readying the string.

“You’re such a cheese ball, Chat Noir.”

“Don’t you mean hairball?”

“Yeah, yeah, sooo funny. You’re on, kitty!”

They both took off running, and she could hear his laughter over the roar of the wind.

---

By the time Ladybug bid Chat Noir a ‘good night’ and ‘see you on Tuesday, or the next akuma attack’ (whichever comes first), it was already 10:30 PM. Ten minutes later, she had dropped through the trap door above her bed and already wanted to give up all responsibility and go to sleep. Unfortunately, her plan was foiled by Tikki, who was very insistent that Marinette stay up at least an hour and a half more ‘to get as much done as possible’.

‘As much done’ my ass, I’ll get a C on my work either way.

“But Tikki—” Marinette drawled out, already painstakingly making her way down the bed ladder, “My muscles are sore and I’m super tired—!” She made sure to drag out each word to show how unwilling she was to do a two-page report on the blind, French painter Claude Monet.

“I understand, Marinette, but you still need to keep your grades up too! Since we got home late, I can help you out a little.” Tikki patted her cheek sympathetically, and flew to her compartment on Marinette’s desk to fish out a cookie from her designated cookie jar.

The female whined, but nevertheless complied with her kwami’s wishes and dragged her exhausted body to her pink desk chair. Plopping down in a heavy manner on the cushioned seat, Marinette grabbed her touchscreen stylus and booted up her tablet. As soon as she typed in her password, the lass got to work first on her advanced literature homework (they were currently reading Oedipus, and she honestly could not be more disgusted with most of the characters). After scanning and finishing three mind-numbing acts, she began planning out the outline for her report on Claude Monet.

I think my hair is going to fall out at this rate.

Marinette stopped writing to gaze into oblivion at the countless pictures decorating her desk-top surface and wall, opting to tune Tikki’s brief explanation on the history of Monet’s The Japanese Footbridge oil canvas. She had tacked various newspaper clippings of Ladybug and Chat Noir’s accomplishments on the wall next to the computer, each scrap artfully arranged to circle a single framed photo of them.

This is still my favorite picture of Chat and I.

The photo had been taken by Alya, who caught them immediately after an akuma battle that took place in the park near the bakery. It had been a sunny, spring day with only a few clouds to be seen. Ladybug had been in mid-fist bump with Chat Noir when Alya had rushed over and begged for a picture of them in front of the park fountain, in which they agreed.

She made them stand on the edge of the fountain, arms hooked together while their legs were spread apart, like a super hero pose. They were told to smile big for the camera, and Ladybug did until Chat decided to crack a pun at the last second, which sent the two of them into hysterics by the time Alya snapped a shot of them on her phone. With the spray of the water and perfect natural lighting coupled with their genuine grins and stares cast to each other, the picture was perfect.

We hadn’t even been partners for a year, but we were so hopeful and full of laughter.

Those were the simpler days alright.

Marinette’s heart suddenly ached with longing for the past, when she was young and excitable for every akuma thrown at her. She missed getting to know Chat for the first time, and feeling the thrill of a new crush, when it didn’t hurt so much. She missed being chased around by Alya for the Ladyblog, when her bestfriend didn’t have a joint-partnership with the news channel so others could do that job for her.

Everything had changed so much since then, when Marinette was still learning what being Ladybug truly meant.

Now she was almost an adult, with a future to think about and priorities to straighten out.

Life moves on, whether we like it or not.

The sound of a phone chiming interrupted Marinette’s train of thought, subsequently ending her internal freak out for the night.  Tikki, being the saint she was, retrieved it from her school bag and set it down in front of her with an irritated expression.

I bet she knew I stopped listening…

“Who is it?” The kwami asked as Marinette unlocked her phone.

She scanned her notifications, startled to find that she had seven missed calls from Alya from earlier in the evening.

Strange, but it’s too late to call back now.

“I have seven missed calls from Alya, Tikki. I wonder what was so important.” She said feeling little more than perturbed as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“That doesn’t sound good. Was the new message from her, then?”

“No, it’s from-” Marinette began to say, tapping on the conversation.

Adrien: hey u still up?

“-Adrien.” From the corner of her eye, she saw Tikki scowl slightly and cross her tiny arm-like appendages in disfavor.  

“Oh.” The kwami curtly replied, settling on the edge of her shoulder to peer at the tiny screen of the phone. She could feel her judgmental gaze on her hands as Marinette responded to him.

Marinette: Yeah. Currently dying over an art history report atm.

Adrien: o? sucks to be u then lmao I finished all my hw

Marinette: Lucky you. Whats your stream btw?

Adrien: humanities. 4 hrs of French. Lit, then philosophy, English, geo, history, physics

Marinette: Same here, but ik I have lit and philosophy with you. For me, I have English, geo and art history is 2 hours.

Adrien: the fuck??? art history sounds boring asf

Marinette: Look whos talking, you take physics. How will that help you on le bac?

Adrien: stfu kim is in there bc nino and ivan were bastards an didn’t want a maths

Adrien: tho he always talks shit w/ Max so i hve to force myself 2 be interested in physics

Marinette: Whatever you say, nerd.

Adrien: stfu im getting a call so ttyt

Marinette: K bye.

Marinette’s soft smile that had formed when they started texting dissipated into a frown at Adrien’s abrupt exit. She set aside her phone slowly, hoping he would come back again but that was not the case.

Who would be calling him so late at night? Weird…

“He left so quickly even though he was the one that contacted you first, Marinette. Don’t you think that’s rude of him?” Tikki observed, huffing.

Marinette stretched her arms above her head, yawning.

“No, not really. I just think it’s weird that someone would be calling him so late at night. I wonder who it could be.” She stood up as she replied, being especially careful not to make noise with her office chair. Tikki watched her movement, eyes alight with curiosity.

“I see…wait, where are you going? Downstairs?”

“Yeah, I’m just going to get water.” Marinette padded across the room, as quiet as a mouse. Just when she opened her floor hatch an inch, voices from downstairs drifted into her room. Frozen in place, she listened cautiously to see who would be up so late at night (besides her and Tikki, of course).

What the hell?

The quiet buzz of the living room TV and the hushed voices of her parents registered in her brain, and Marinette immediately felt her shoulders relax. They were just watching the news—

Hold on a minute.

The female tensed again, more anxious then before. It was very unlike her parents to stay up so late on a weekday, especially since her father woke up at four every day to ready the bakery for early morning customers. In addition to this, her mother had always come up around ten o’clock to kiss her goodnight, but she had yet to do that. Something on the television was keeping them uncharacteristically occupied, or at least that is what she gathered from the grave mood downstairs.

But, what is it? Mama and Papa only whisper when they’re worried…

Marinette instinctively leaned forward, eager to find out what the newswoman was saying.

“…Gang violence…college student…unusual injury…” Nadja Chamack spoke professionally into what the girl assumed to be a microphone. Tikki landed on her shoulder, also listening closely.

Gang violence? What? It’s too hard to hear!

“Two students…badly hurt…Dupont…” She heard Tikki gasp when Nadja rattled off the names of the incident. Thoroughly perplexed, Marinette edged the door open even more, practically sticking her head down the stairs. Whatever Manon’s mother just said, it was enough to shock her kwami.

Instead of quietly keeping her perch, Tikki flew off her shoulder and pushed her tiny appendages against her cheek.

“Mari, no, don’t listen! It’s not something you want to hear!” She squeaked, and the heroine yelped.

“What do you-ack!”

Naturally, this action backfired and she lost balance of her feet and crashed to the carpet rather loudly while slamming the trapdoor shut.

“Oh, shit! Tikki, hide!” The female whispered frantically, scampering to her bed post and up the ladder. Tikki was close behind.

They both hid under the polka-dotted covers, with the kwami nestled into the crook of her elbow. Somehow, in her scramble and the excitement of that night, Marinette had lost on of her precious pig-tails, and now her frizzy hair was splayed all along the pillow like a raven halo of madness.

Goddammit, I hate when my hair is down! Where did my hair tie go…?

Just then, the door slammed open and Marinette heard the familiar patter of her father’s footsteps, her mother following in suit.

“Marinette, darling? Is something wrong?” Sabine spoke, an unusual edge to her voice.

Stay still, stay still!

Marinette dared not to respond, curling around Tikki to shield her from prying eyes. The bed rattled as the mother climbed up to check on her daughter, every tremor setting the female further on high alert. A thorn of anxiety wedged itself in her heart when she felt a small hand touch her ankle.

Don’t react!

“Sweetheart, is she awake?” Tom asked, walking closer to his wife.

“No, I don’t think so…but if she isn’t awake, then what was that noise?” Her mother worriedly curled her tiny fingers around Marinette’s ankle, and she had to fight from flinching.

“Sabine, I think you’re still on edge from the newscast. I doubt anyone could sneak into our daughter’s room without me hearing them.” Tom said confidently. Marinette smirked to herself, biting down a chuckle.

Oh, papa, if only you knew…

“But still, Tom…it happened those poor boys.” Sabine let go of her ankle and climbed down the ladder again, and Marinette peeked over her covers ever the slightest to look at her parents.

Tom had an arm slung around Sabine’s shoulders in a comforting manner, while Sabine looked deeply distressed.

Her mother pursed her lips.

“Imagine how devastated she’ll be when she finds out tomorrow, Tom. Should we even let her go to school?”

What the hell are they talking about?! I have a bad feeling about all of this.

“Nonsense, dear! Francois Dupont has a strict no strangers’ policy, plus the college is right next to the house. We can watch her go if it will make you feel better, but our little girl can handle her own as you know.” Both parents shared a knowing look and Marinette blushed in embarrassment.

Yeah…they would know after all these years, wouldn’t they?

Sabine nodded in agreement to her husband’s proposal, slipping an arm around his waist.

“I would like that. Now, let’s leave before we actually wake her up.” Marinette ducked hurriedly out of sight when her mother glanced at her bed, praying she didn’t notice her staring.

As soon the trap door shut, and the footsteps of her parents grew further away until the night was silent again, Marinette jerked from her fetal position on the mattress. She stared wide-eyed at Tikki, the both of them attempting to process the confusing information her parents had bestowed upon them by accident.

“Tikki, you don’t think…?” Marinette trailed off, the worst coming to mind.

What if an akuma attack happened without me knowing, and citizens were severely injured?

What if an akuma knocked over the Eiffel Tower and crushed a shopping strip?

What if Hawk Moth himself came out of hiding and is now wreaking havoc on Paris?

What if-

Tikki vigorously shook her head at Marinette’s implication, frowning deeply.

“We would have definitely known if there was an akuma attack, Marinette.” Tikki said bluntly, crossing her arms in a thoughtful manner. “This has to be something else and something very bad.”

Marinette did not miss the note of worry tinging her kwami’s voice, or the nervous twitch of her antenna. Judging by her demeanor, there was another force Tikki seemed to be apprehensive of.

But what?

“Should I transform and sweep the city again? Maybe I’ll find what Mama and Papa were talking about.” The girl questioned, dread pooling in the bottom of her stomach. Butterflies were twisting her insides around, and they felt much worse than the presence of any of Hawk Moth’s creations.

In the distance, the blades of a helicopter could be heard, sending goosebumps to dance along the edges of her spine. Car honked, and music played, but something felt very off about the night now.

Marinette stood up on her bedspread and curled a hand around the trapdoor handle leading to the room’s balcony, hesitant to open it. It was almost eleven o’clock at night, and she had school tomorrow; but, if she didn’t do this now, the anxiety would eat at her until sunrise. Tikki seemed to have sensed her indecision, and came to rest on her shoulder.

“Marinette, you don’t have to do this right now. We have all tomorrow to investigate, and I’m sure whatever happened will be the talk of Paris for a day. Get some rest tonight, and you’ll feel refreshed for tomorrow!” She spoke softly, nuzzling into the female’s cheek in a comforting manner.

Marinette let her hand drop from the door handle, suddenly exhausted.

She’s right. I can’t do much right now if I don’t know anything, especially in the condition I’m in.

She let herself fall back onto the bed once more, turning on her side and dipping her knees onto her abdomen. Faint light from the window below her loft illuminated the dark space of the room, casting flickering shadows on the soft pink walls. The muffled murmur of her monitor and tablet could be heard, filling her ears with a strangely familiar buzz.

It was eerie.

Hopefully the situation won’t escalate to something worse by tomorrow morning…

Happy? Surprised? Intrigued?

Can you guess what happened at the end of the chapter?? (im curious hah)

Also, I'm so happy that a lot of you like the story thus far!! I never expected such an out-pour of support, tbh, but it just really motivates me to write more and get better at my writing style.

Le Bacc** okay so in french education it is basically this big test seniors in high school take at the end of their high school career, where they had previously, for two years, been taking classes that were specifically aimed towards their career path, but they don't call it 'career path' they call it a 'stream' (I.E. students in the literary stream prepare for careers in the humanities such as education, linguistics, and public service. They also have interests in the arts. The most important subjects in the literary stream are Philosophy and French language & literature and other languages, usually English, German and Spanish.)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baccalaur%C3%A9at link if you're interested in le bacc :)

[emilyslifeinlondon]

Tuesday May 9-Sunday May 14 Woohoo, today's the day Mary comes!!! After graduating from UConn on Sunday the 7th, Mary unpacked all of her college belongings only to re-pack for London. A few of the many things we did over the last 5 days: -Stonehenge 🗿 -Sketch -Oxford St 🛍 -Westminster -Platform 9 3/4 -Bowling w CIEE 🎳 -Afternoon tea at The Orangery 🍵 -Matilda 🔮 -221B Baker St -SSE Women's Cup Final ⚽️🏆 I took the tube to Heathrow and ended up picking Mary up at her terminal. I (as well as the Heathrow staff) was confused about whether or not a flight from Dublin was considered international or not, so I stood on the opposite side of where I was supposed to be until Mary texted me saying she had collected her luggage and was waiting. She also said she hadn't gone through customs and wasn't sure if she should go back in. I was shocked since border control is quite strict in the U.K., but since Dublin isn't considered an international flight, Mary had technically gone through customs in Ireland. We took the tube back home and went straight to King's Cross/St. Pancras to board a train to Salisbury, en route to Stonehenge! The train ride was about 1 1/2 hours and before we knew it, we were in Salisbury. We boarded the Stonehenge tour bus (it takes about 10-15 minutes to get to the Visitor's Center) and got to listen to some audio that gave us more information about the site and neighboring town. We hopped off at the visitor's center and grabbed a quick bite to eat. I got a steak pie which was delicious, and Mary got a sandwich that she really enjoyed! We picked up our tickets and boarded a golden bus to the actual rocks. The ride was short and once we got off the bus, the rocks were only 100 feet in front of us. I had heard that the audio tour was something worth getting, so we had our little telephone like sets and made our way around the area; since the ground isn't stable enough to support thousands of people, you can't actually walk through the rocks, but you can get pretty close. We listened, took a break sitting, snapped lots of pics, and had a great afternoon! We spent some time in Salisbury and went to The King's Head (pub recommended by the bus driver) for dinner and I got tomato soup and (spicy 🌶) wings. We boarded the train back to Waterloo in London, and only 15 minutes later I couldn't find my phone. I went through my whole backpack and checked under my seat and it wasn't there. I was panicking and knew it had to be at the train station since I had used my phone for directions from the pub to the train station. We got off at the next stop and had to wait and excruciating 40 minutes for the next train back to Salisbury. I ran through the station back to the bench we had been sitting on before we got onto the train and my phone was sitting right there where I had left it. God, am I lucky or what?! It's safe to say I had a good night's sleep that night. We got back to London an hour later than we had anticipated and went right to bed. The next morning we met up with Christine and Amanda at Sketch, a fancy restaurant in London right off of Oxford street. Sketch is known for its pink tea room and egg pod bathrooms. I had toast and bacon for breakfast which was good but nothing special. After waiting until the tea took opened, we finally made our way to the iconic bathroom. It was so cool! I accidentally used the men's side but how can you really tell when the pods all look the same? We took lots of pics and then Mary and I walked around Oxford and Bond street. Mary bought some Chelsea boots and Schuh and I got some tanks and a pair of jeans at New Look. I also got a waffle with chocolate sauce, strawberries, and Nutella ice cream which was delicious! I had class in the afternoon, so Mary went to the British Museum which is conveniently right across from CIEE, where I have class. We went to Pizza Union for dinner and then headed to Chinatown after for bubblewrap, basically ice cream in a waffle. The line wasn't too long, maybe 25 minutes or so, and the dessert was so good! I was surprised by how tasty the waffle was- it was sweet, warm, and soft. We walked around Chinatown/Soho for a little bit but it was chilly so we headed back to Chapter afterwards. On Thursday morning I had class, so Mary slept in and went to the British Library (only a 5-10 minute walk from Chapter). We explored Westminster, walking by the London Eye, Big Ben, Parliament, Westminster Abbey, and ended up at Buckingham Palace after walking through Saint James Park, enjoying all of the birds and ducks. After getting off at King's Cross we waited in line to get our picture at Platform 9 3/4. Mary and I got our jumping pic. We were both exhausted and rested for a few minutes before walking back to CIEE in Bloomsbury for the farewell dinner. We met up with everyone and walked to dinner which was at a bowling alley! We were served lots of small appetizers ranging from crab cakes, pulled pork sandwiches, fried chicken on skewers, and fried mac & cheese balls. I had a handful of pulled pork and chicken as well as a beer and 1/3 a (fruity & delicious) cider I shared with Mary. After eating, we all picked teams and started bowling. Although I hadn't been bowling in some 5-10 years, I was better than I thought I would be. There were no bumpers, and I ended up with 70. Pretty bad but I was happy I actually knocked some pins down. We were exhausted after waiting some 20 minutes for the tube home. Since it was the last night everyone in the program would be together, we all went out. Mary decided to stay in, and as much as I wanted to join her I knew that I would have regretted it had I not gone. I also had a lot of tequila and a whole bottle of wine that I didn't want to waste. Our group basically took up half the dance floor at some point, and we got 2 free shots since they overcharged me at the door. That morning Mary and I got afternoon tea at The Orangery. I wasn't able to make my 9 am class, but don't worry, it was only a walking tour and James had said that it wasn't mandatory. I had book an appointment for 11:15 am, but they didn't start afternoon tea until noon, so we had something small to hold us over until 12:00. I got some Royal something (I forget the name, lol) tea and it was delicious! I never used to be a fan of tea, but I enjoyed it the last time I was in London two years ago. We had little sandwiches, scones, and desserts. They portions are tiny but with all of the food you're sure to be full at the end. After tea, we walked around Hyde Park for a bit before heading to Harrods. I wasn't able to go the last time I was in London and although I can't afford anything in the department store, it was cool walking around and starting at all of the chocolates that cost £90 a box. We headed back to Chapter afterwards and rested for a few minutes before walking back to the GI for my last class! We just watched some British news comedy show for an hour or so before he ended class early (thank god). We met up with Christine and Rex at a pub nearby for fish & chips before heading to Cambridge Theatre to see Matilda. Matilda is quite new to the stage and everyone at the ticket office had said that it was wonderful and that they highly recommended it. I'm not sure where to begin by describing the play, I'll start by saying that it was somewhat strange but in a good way. Some of the music numbers were fantastic and the choreography was well done! Most of the cast consisted of children, and Miss Truchbull was played by a man. The play was very funny at times and the actors that played Miss Trunchbull and Mr. Wormwood were perfect for the role. We also got some Oreo McFlurries after the show! It was so stressful packing the night before moving out but thankfully Mary was able to fit a good amount of my winter clothes and jackets into her suitcase! After scrambling around to fit three month's worth of stuff into a mere two suitcases and a backpack, alas I got the suitcases zipped by sitting on them! However, my large suitcase was a jaw dropping 72 lbs! I was dying laughing. How did I possibly accumulate more than 25 lbs worth of stuff?! I bought a few jackets and clothes, but I didn't think they would have amassed a shocking 25-30 lbs. Who knows. We left our bags behind the front desk and walked around Covent Garden, where we got brunch at a cute diner. I was exhausted after getting about 5 hours of sleep, so thanks to Mary's suggestion, I got a mocha to help wake me up. I was surprised that I liked it! We both had a great breakfast and proceeded to make our way to the Covent Garden market area. Mary had some Ben's Cookies (so delicious & gooey) and then we took the tube to Baker Street (221 B) aka the Sherlock Holmes door. We got our pics and then headed back to Chapter to grab our bags to check into our Airbnb. Silly us, we took the tube and DRL with all of our luggage when we should have just taken an Uber and paid the £20some pounds it would've cost. Lugging my freaking heavy suitcase up and down stairs at the tube stations was a nightmare. Luckily, some people helped me out a lot by carrying my large luggage for me since the lifts were under construction, of course. We finally checked in and had a little while to rest before leaving for Wembley Stadium. We had ticket to see the SSE Women's FA Final Cup! I had hoped to go to a premier league men's football game but either the game was too far away or too expensive (£250+ per ticket). Regardless, we were both really excited. It took a while to get there since there was so much traffic, but we made it a few minutes after the game started. When they announced that Carli Lloyd had scored one of the goals for Manchester City against Birmingham, Mary and I turned to each other in shock and I quickly googled her to see if it was indeed her! We love watching the World Cup, and both love the USA Women's Soccer Team! After finding out that Carli Lloyd was playing on the field only 50 feet in front of us, we were a lot more engaged and excited. During halftime, we got hotdogs (mine was a pulled pork dog) and were surprised that halftime was only 15 minutes or so. The final score was 4-1 Manchester City v Birmingham, and the game brought in a record crowd of over 35,000. We got ice cream on the way back at a gas station (there were no restaurants/ice cream shops near the Airbnb) and hung out/packed since Mary was set to leave early the next morning. 6 am came all too early when we had to wake up, and learning from our mistake, we took an Uber to the airport. I dropped Mary off at her terminal, said goodbye, and walked to the next terminal to wait for Emily to arrive! It was a whirlwind of week with Mary! We did so much in only 5 days, didn't get enough sleep, ate a lot of food, saw Stonehenge, and had an amazing week! I was so glad (and really excited) that I got to share a place so important to me with my sister.

[qgaje8wz-blog]

16 year old male car insurance question?

16 year old male car insurance question?

My mom has Gieco car insurance. I was wondering how much car insurance would be for me on a 1998 Jeep Wrangler with a security system, and 4x4 drive. I tried to get a quote yesterday on the fone but they made me wait like 40 minutes so i hung up and it never works online so please help me.

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :PROTECTIONQUOTES.NET

SOURCES:

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[talhaghafoor2019-blog]

Fit Radio Success Story: LaDonna W. - Fit Radio Workout MusicFit Radio Workout Music

My name is LaDonna Willis. I turned 40 this year and am a wife, mother, and recently became a “Gramma” to the most beautiful grandson in the whole world! When I’m not working as a rural health clinic administrator, I enjoy family time, reading, wine, the outdoors, and working out. I’ve not always considered myself to be athletic; that mindset began the year I turned 35.

My journey to health and wellness began when I was forced to buy a 3xl sweatshirt in the fall of 2012. That was the game changer. I weighed 236 on a 5’5” frame. I cried. I was angry at myself. What was the next year going to be: a 4x purchase and where would it end? It took me a few weeks of wallowing in self-pity and sadness, but I finally raised my eyes to the mirror and said to myself, “You got yourself here and nobody can change it but you!”

I decided that January 1, 2013, was going to be the day I started over with food choices and physical activity. I drank my last soda and sweet glass of tea on 12-31-12. I’ve not had either one since and that’s a personal choice I made, but absolutely two things I’ve never reintroduced to my diet. I used to drink sweet tea from morning until night, daily, with a soda a day somewhere in between, so that was a huge step for me.

Next, I added movement. I committed to the gym 3 days per week and most days it took everything I had just to walk for 30 minutes on the treadmill. I cut my daily calories and began to make healthier food choices. Before I knew it, I was shedding pounds which motivated me to want to hit the gym 5-7 days per week. Walking turned to jogging; jogging to sprint intervals.

A few months passed and I was no longer satisfied with the treadmill. I was bored, but I knew I didn’t want to stop there, so I took my jogging legs to the track. The track is a scary place when all your memories of it are of your friends showing their athletic abilities in that arena. Surely if I visited there and attempted to run, I’d look like a fool and fail at what came so easily to them. I went anyway.

Pictured in the before and after pic (above), let me tell you about the person on the left: she was depressed, tired, only interested in things she had to be…went from work to home and her son’s activities only, avoided crowds, and the public as much as possible. Shyed from mirrors, wore jackets over most everything, even in summer. She used food for comfort all the time: food doesn’t need anything from you when the rest of the world is so demanding!!

To get to the person on the right, it took sheer mental will and discipline. More mental than most people care to fight, but I am proud to say I did this on my own: no surgery. Tons and tons of cardio. I fought that little voice at every stage of the game; the one that said things like, “You can’t run, you can barely walk a mile. You can’t run 4 laps around the track, you’ll never finish that 5k; you can’t ride your bike from town to Tell, TX, and back, you can’t compete and finish that duathlon; you can train for that half marathon but you’ll never actually run 13.1 miles.”

The woman on the right succeeded at every one of those things! I had to fight that mental game the entire way and it was more difficult than the physical conditioning. I had to say no to every food temptation and choose the healthy stuff when I really just wanted the chips and salsa and the ice cream and the bread and tortillas. I had to use water to trick my brain into thinking it was satisfied… when water was the last thing I wanted more of!!

I have friends who’ve supported me on this journey, whether it was joining me for a cardio video, catching a bike ride, or hitting the pavement with me for the 267 miles I logged in 2013. I earned a new title that year-“runner” and I’ve never felt such great accomplishment before or since!

Fast forward to December 2013. I shed 88 lbs and 81 total inches in 12 months. I completed a duathlon in October 2013 and in January 2014, I began training for a half marathon which I finished in April 2014. I walked away with a bronze medal for my age group! In 2016, I completed a 50-mile bike ride, which is my longest ride to date.

It wasn’t until about a week after the half that I discovered Fit Radio. I don’t even remember how I came across it, but I think I had a 30-day free trial but I knew I was going to buy a subscription within the first two uses! I cringed thinking about all the hours I’d trained with “the other station” during the previous year! I’ve been a loyal subscriber ever since.

Nearly six years have flown by and I’ve maintained my weight loss and healthy lifestyle. There’s not a workout activity I do that Fit Radio isn’t with me. I’m active 6 days per week. I continue to run, cycle, CrossFit, Insanity, Yoga, and some days I even slow things down to stroll my grandson all over my little hometown. He enjoys Fit Radio tunes as well! I’m thankful I’m healthy enough to be active with him. I’m going to teach him how to run as soon as he learns to walk!

Recently, I’ve most enjoyed Coach Maria and Coach Bianca helping me grind out my pace goals using the Outdoor Runs feature. When they say “Vamos!” or “I see you working hard…!” their voices and encouragement inspire me to keep pushing. Before Fit Radio Coaches it was just my own voice in my head, so it’s super cool to hear someone else cheering me on instead!

I’ve also recently loved the Yoga and pre and post workout stretching routines within the app. Coach Taryn & Coach Keisy have easy to follow instructional photos that both flow so smoothly with the music. I press play and they help me get ready or recover from Coach Maria and Coach Bianca.

I haven’t listened to a DJ on Fit Radio that I haven’t enjoyed, but some of my favorites are DJ Rolemodel, DJ Miss M, and Fusemania. They are masters at their craft! If they only knew how much I rely on their beats to keep my feet pressing onward and upward. How their jams inspire me to never quit!

My mantra is, “Be consistent and intentional every day.” Nobody else can do it for you. I also try to instill in others that it’s never “too late” to change the course of your health.

I encourage everyone I know in my social and fitness circles (and I have several since I’m into so many activities) to get a Fit Radio subscription. I love to show them the app and share what it can do to help get newbies started down a path I wish I’d known about when I first started my fitness journey. Fit Radio continues to be my best friend for all the miles I log every year!

This content was originally published here.

[svetlanabelikova]

JOURNAL ENTRY VII

CONTENT WARNING:

calorie counting

weight loss talk

oops. i haven’t updated this series in 2 months... i’ve been busy? which is true, but also i got everything set up to work on this like a week ago and just kept putting it off b/c i’ve been working on v-day gifts for my family since februrary started. i suddenly had this flurry of activity in me to create, create, create! and writing is just not as an active a thing for me. i do miss it. i had meant to sleep in this morning a bit but ended up waking up and deciding i need to 1. write this and 2. when i am done w/ this, write my character’s feelings in regards to a not-so-stellar performance in last nights DND game-- none to which is own my teammates or DM i just literally couldn’t roll for shit. i had 2 rolls over almost 2 hr.s of play that were over a 10 (including modifiers)... but we are not here to talk of that.

we are here to talk of my progress.

As of my last weigh-in (2.12.20) i am sitting at 303lbs. 

which i am pleased w/. 299 is in sight... and then i will treat myself w/o food, ha ha

i was sitting here the other day, just trying so hard to remember how much i weighed in high school. i remember the weight i told everyone i was. i told everyone(everyone being the school nurse and then the nurses at the blood donation center when i volunteered to give blood) i was 200lbs. i think senior year i realized that i was too far from 200lbs to be able to bullshit that and the last weight i remember telling someone was 230lbs and even then, i don’t think she believed me. i have some clothes sill from high school in my closet. stuff like concert shirts and stuff that had meaning, not just every random piece of clothing i wore or anything. but i am not sure i want to get them out and try them on. i know right now, that they will not fit. i think i will weight until the end of 2020 when i will be down to about 230lbs and try them on. i think that will really be the wake up call of “you are smaller than the clothes u wore in high school when u told everyone u were only 230lbs.” 

idk, i’m still deciding. 

in the meantime, i am just chugging away. i wanted to share my logs (which i don’t know why i hadn’t done until now...) for last month (januaray 2020):

i’m working on cleaning up my penmanship. i’ve always had atrocious handwriting. my brain works faster than my hand and this is what i’m left w/... -_-’

i was hoping to keep hitting the 10k/day steps and even set a goal to get up to 11k/day by the beginning of februrary but i just run out of time. i tried to incorporate jogging but it slowed me down. i had to rest longer between laps rather than just walk for 12 min.s/rest for 5 mins, it was like walk/jog for 10 min.s/rest for 10 min.s.

i’m just still not in-shape enough to get that in. but i do plan to try again in the future. i do want to get to a point where i can hit closer to 15k/day and i’m only going to be able to do that when running. 

for now, i am only getting a little over 7 hr.s of sleep, working out for about 2 hr.s coming home, getting the kids ready for school, tues/thursdays i do about 30-40 min.s of yoga, take a shower, record everything, drink my breakfast and by then, wigs is home from school and i am back to taking care of the kids.

i am setting goals for the summer but in the meantime i am just giving it my all!

as for food, i am still aiming for about 1200 cals/day.

this is obviously from 2.14.20 and not january but it still shows a pretty average day. sometimes if i’m feeling peckish, there will be an additional 100 cal.s or so for my snack but otherwise, it looks like this every day. from my macros u can see i’m really taking in too much fats... :/ it is hard b/c i am targeting good fats: avocados, tree nuts, fish, etc. but that isn’t broken down as much by these apps. it doesn’t separate it out like HERE IS HOW MUCH GOOD FATS YOU ATE AND HOW MUCH BAD FATS YOU ATE. it just lumps then all together. so in a day i can have nothing but good oils: i.e. peanut butter protein power, fresh avocados, at snacktime a vegan protein bar and dinner will have a little olive oil to cook w/. but if you just glanced at this you’d be like “damn,,,, she must be eating a lot of fried foods!” 

i’m not. really. i can barely tolerate fried foods. the other day i ate a few bites off a deep friend chicken tender and had a sour stomach the whole evening. 

i am just focusing on healthy oils.

i’ve really dropped carbs for the most part. the only carbs i eat now are potatoes, white rice, popcorn and occasionally fresh tortillas. i do need more proteins in my diet but it is so hard to get more in there w/o adding sodium. it is a balancing act and even tho i’ve been doing this for 6 mon.s i’m still learning. 

but-- i’ve got the rest of my life to figure this out. c:

i am so close to hitting the big

*~50 pounds lost~*

mark, i can barely contain myself. when i step on the scale for my last weigh-in for februrary, it will read 299 point something, and i will cry b/c for the first time in my adult life, i will be under 300 lbs AND i will have officially lost 50 pounds, marking myself 1/3 the way to my goal weight. 

i can’t wait. 

[generouslyteenagealpaca-blog]

What medical insurance company should I get?

"What medical insurance company should I get?

What medical insurance should I get? My employer doesn't provide medical benefits anymore. I don't want to spend alot and I live in California.

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My 18 year old daughter just got her license and is now getting her first car. Her car insurance rates would be crazy high if she gets it in her name because she's young and a new driver. I would like to put it in my name so it will be cheaper for her, but I'm going through a bankruptcy right now. Can I still put the insurance in my name? She has a full time job and would be paying for the insurance on her own.""

How much is auto insurance in China for an American?

I'm studying in China for about 18 months. I want to buy a car there and drive it. I've already figured out the licensing stuff, no big deal, but how much/how do I get car insurance in China?""

What is the best auto insurance for an adult driver?

For a driver that is under 25 but older than 21, what is the best auto insurance for a minivan or an suv? No accident history. No tickets. Clean driving record.""

2010 Ford Fusion vs 2011 Hyundai Sonata?

I recently went in resolved to buy a 2011 Sonata at $26, 000 but then I saw at a Ford dealer that the Fusion was $16, 500 on sale from $19,000. I'm conflicted because paying $10,000 more for a Hyundai means I get more features like leather, seat heating, sun roof, more sleek sporty style, etc. But then I can't completely negate the fact that the Ford is so cheap. Which would you pick and why?""

How does auto insurance works?

is the cost of auto insurance determined based on car model, year, or the the car price sold at?""

Extra costs covered by car insurance ?

I had to pay 150 to get my car brought home when a car hit me from behind ? Can i reclaim this money through my insurance company ?

Fair price for my car insurance?

Got my car insurance bill. I'm on a family plan with my mom and my sister. We did it because we were told it would save money. I'm in my late 20's, drive an older car(a '97), have never had a traffic ticket or accident, and have the basic coverage with a $500 deductible. Just the basics. It's $350 for 6 months. It went up from the last time I paid it. First, is that a decent price? Second, why does the insurance go up if I didn't get a ticket or accident?""

Who knows the best Health Insurance out there for individuals. Plan and pricing must be affordable. Thanks.?

It must come with an appropriate and flexible plan, with affordable pricing for a college student.""

I work per diem and have no insurance. do you know any good insurance that is affordable?

I am also a student so I need something that won't break the bank and that I will hopefully be able to use after school

Driving without insurance in Indiana?

What happens in the state of Indiana if you are caught driving without insurance? I thought it was a 90 day suspension of your license but I have been told otherwise... Also what happens if you are in a wreck without insurance but the passenger DOES have insurance? Does the passenger's insurance have to cover everything?

""For teens, how much do you pay for your insurance car?""

Without your parents, if you live in New York, Westchester, how much would you pay for your car insurance? Let's say that the car is a Honda Civic 2001 THanks!""

Insurance - Please help!?

I am looking at getting a new ro roof for my large two storey house. My house is located in a central business area where I have high foot traffic and a busy road only metres away. Due to the height of the roof there will be scaffolding errected around the parimeters and I am concerned and the legal problems if someone gets hurt or other property damaged. I have to be concerned for the builders, my neighbours property, pedistrans and cars driving by. I have tried searching for insurance but cannot find any. Does anyone have any ideas??""

""I need some cheap car insurance. I have a 2005 suburvan, a 97 chev pickup and a 97 mercury tracer.?""

I need some cheap car insurance. I have a 2005 suburvan, a 97 chev pickup and a 97 mercury tracer.?""

What is the best car insurance?

What is the cheapest and best car insurance out there. im 18.

Can car insurance companies discover speed camera tickets?

Long story short: Do I need to tell the car insurance companies about speed camera tickets I received? I read that lying to car insurance companies is a good way to get your insurance canceled, or claim denied. I know that they check what you say on the application. If these were regular speeding tickets, I would have no question that they need to be reported, because it's on my record. But these are from a speed camera. The citation says it cannot be used to increase my car insurance rates, and that it will not add points to my record. All my friends say they don't report it. Despite that, Travelers said these do count, and denied providing a quote because I have had three speed camera tickets in the past three years. Is this information even present on my driver's record? Is this something they can verify? More importantly, could they deny a claim I make for failing to tell them about these tickets?""

Car insurance for occasional use?

My question is this... I want to get a motorbike so that I use my car less often (a bike is cheaper to run). Are there any companies (in England, UK) who offer car insurance for occasional use only ('pay-per-use' style??)? I would like to commute to work each day on my motorbike and only use the car once a fortnight. This would be good for my pocket (what with the credit crunch effecting our lives) and also good for the environment (less fuel used). Ideally, I would only use a motorbike, but really do have to keep the 4 wheeled alternative as I have my 2 daughters once a fortnight. Could anyone please help me answer this question. It would be very much appreciated!! Any other suggestions you could offer would also be appreciated! Thank you!""

About what would the insurance be on a '94 Camaro V6?

This doesn't apply to me...one of my friends asked me to post this--long story Anyway, he wants to buy this '94 Chevy Camaro base model; not the Z28!! He's gonna buy it off a local guy for $3000...it was 3200 something but he gave him a break for cash. So I'm supposed to ask what kind of insurance that he, a 16 year old will a spotless driving record and good grades, could expect to pay. His parents would like to put liability only on it to keep the cost down. Does anybody have any estimates???--remember liability ONLY..... Oh and we're here in Iowa if location makes any difference....""

Cheapest car insurance for 17 year old?

With full uk licence and as named driver or owning the vehicle. Does any remember what they were when they were 17.

""When your 18 and still in high school, does the car insurance company still check your grades for a discount?

My younger sister recently turned 18 and got her license. She's in dying need of insurance but she's a D average student and ashamed to show her grades. Does the car insurance discount still apply to students who are 18?

Car Insurance Question?

I'm a 16 year old girl with a car, and I wanted to know how much my car insurance price will range in. I'll be driving a white sedan (say a Corolla/Mazda 3, 2005-2007). How much will be my car insurance?""

How much money will I need for health insurance if I retire at 56?

I'm thinking of possibly retiring when I'm 56. I'm 55 now. I have about $60,000 saved for health insurance purposes. I will not be eligible for any tax credits through Obama-Care as I have too much money saved up. Will $60,000 be enough to pay for health insurance till I'm 65?""

""Auto, Home, Renters, Life Insurance?""

Okay I am working on a budget project for a class, and one of the requirements is to find the costs of insurance. So my question is what would the average rate for auto, home, renters and life insurance for a married individual in early to mid 20's?""

Where ti find classic car insurance in CA?

i recently bought a 1966 plymouth valiant....it is definitely not fixed up or anything like that it is just your basic old car that is in need of some help...but it runs and drives and will be my daily driver...so i need to find insurance for it......but most insurance companies only go as old as 81 .....anyone know any classic car insurance companies for currently un-restored cars?

What medical insurance company should I get?

What medical insurance should I get? My employer doesn't provide medical benefits anymore. I don't want to spend alot and I live in California.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/car-insurance-nightmare-john-johnson/"

[365footballorg-blog]

Armchair Analyst: With US out, here's how I'll watch the 2018 World Cup

June 13, 20189:00AM EDT

It is finally here, the long summer of our discontent made glorious autumn – soon enough, anyway – by the fall of teams I will be rooting against with all my heart.

That is one of my two planks for this 2018 World Cup. Please understand that the US failure to qualify has devastated me, but also freed me. It means that I can go into this tournament unshackled from the soul-crushing worry over “my” team; the impotent fury at coaching malpractice; the utter despair at in-the-moment, on-field mistakes; the numb resignation when it all inevitably comes crashing down and breathes its last.

I don’t think I’ll miss that. I think I’ll enjoy watching a World Cup without a mental countdown clock tracking the hours, minutes and seconds between now and “When do we play next and oh, God what if we lose?”

Now I get to think about what other teams do when they lose. I like that more.

And that leads me to plank No. 2: misery leads to innovation. Fear of failure leads to innovation. Desperation leads to innovation. I’m trying to get through this paragraph without typing “necessity is the mother of invention” but I’m just not gonna be able to do it, so there we are.

Amongst the things I love most about our game are the tactical tweaks – some big, some little – teams and coaches make from game-to-game, and sometimes in the run of play itself. The way we think about soccer is always evolving, so it makes sense that the way the game’s played is always evolving, and that keeps the sport fresh and new pretty much no matter who’s playing.

Of course, the best tactical tweaks and inventions are ones born of a solid, fundamental and consistent structure in the first place. If you have that underlying, thoroughly understood identity then you’re positioned to make meaningful (if incremental) progress, and that’s the type of thing that wins.

If you don’t…

JCO’s Wild Ride

Juan Carlos Osorio guided a good New York Red Bulls team to an appearance in the 2008 MLS Cup final, doing so with a relatively young and promising squad. As most coaches would do he … actually no, as very few coaches would do, he didn’t build on that. Osorio blew it all up in 2009 and went back to his tinkering ways. The same RBNY team that had made MLS Cup in 2008 went 2-16-4 in 2009, he was fired, and they went 3-3-2 down the stretch with an interim coach. They have not missed the playoffs since his departure.

Osorio’s predecessor and successor had better records with RBNY than he did. His predecessor and successor had better records at Puebla than he did, at Atletico Nacional than he did, and at Sao Paolo than he did, and it’s because he can not stop tinkering. His motto appears to be “If it ain’t broke, take it apart and find out why not.” 

Osorio is currently doing the same thing to Mexico. Ask 100 El Tri fans what the team’s best lineup is and you will get 100 different answers, and chances are that actual lineup will have gotten some playing time together.

“Great!” you think, “That’s a manager who’s willing to try new things!”

“Yes,” I reply, “but the one truly new thing he needs to try is building cohesion and team chemistry, which he’s not done.”

Osorio no termina por entender que estos ya no son días para experimentar en la cancha… no contra #Dinamarca, mucho menos, a una semana de enfrentar a #Alemania #ElTri

— Pedro Dorantes  (@PedroDorantes98) June 9, 2018

For non-Spanish speakers out there, the translation of that tweet is “Oh, my god, we’re going to get killed by Germany if this man does not pick a lineup that works together and then stick with it.”

And Mexico fans know what’s up because they got slaughtered 4-1 by Germany in last year’s Confederations Cup. And they got worked by Chile, 7-0, in the previous summer’s Copa America. Osorio’s overall record with El Tri is 31-9-8, but in three tournaments there’ve been three colossally disappointing showings. Here’s what I wrote about his tenure heading into last summer’s Concacaf Gold Cup (which indeed goes down as one of those colossally disappointing showings):

Mexico are probably a top 8-ish team in the entire world in terms of their raw talent, which is why they win most of their games. But they have continually struggled against top-tier competition (7-0 vs. Chile, 4-1 vs. Germany, a draw and a loss vs. a Portuguese team that is a cut below those two) because they are constantly, bafflingly, rotating players and lineups and formations and roles and responsibilities.

And so you get a team that gets bounced from the Copa America because they have no idea how to handle a simple cross-field switch, or how to stop a breakaway. And then you have the same team bounced from the Confederations Cup 12 months later for the exact same reasons. Juan Carlos Osorio just does not believe in the power of reps.

…I do wonder if Mexico will stop being a pieced-together Frankenstein’s Monster and start looking like a contiguous whole that’s greater than the sum of its parts.

One way or another this is the end for JCO with Mexico. Over the next couple of weeks, we’ll get to see whether his experiments were meant to culminate in something, or if they were just an endless, pointless excuse for more experiments.

Choose Your Underdog

Or, actually, don’t. I understand why people were charmed by the likes of Iceland in the 2016 Euros and how great it is for the country of Panama to be making their debuts. I hope all the players play well and get paid, because careers are short and World Cup glory is long. I wish none of them any ill.

But I’m not going to root for them. They play ugly, destructive soccer – against, not with the ball – and honestly, no thanks.

Know what I’m charmed by? Passing. Those little moments of magic where two or three or four or all 11 players are working in sync to disorient and destroy the opposition, to create angles and channels and goals.

If you’re gonna root for someone, don’t choose David. Choose Goliath.

Ride or Die

To that end, I will be supporting (such as it was) Lionel Messi and Argentina. Messi is the greatest soccer player who’s ever lived – he is impossible – and I would appreciate the cosmic justice of him finally being on the right side of the scoreline in a final for his country.

He doesn’t and shouldn’t need that to cement his status as the GOAT. Just look at this:

[embedded content]

I’ll also admit that I still love the 4-4-2 diamond and am pleased that Argentina are playing a version of it (though Jorge Sampaoli insists it’s a 2-3-3-2). Yes, I’m rooting for a formation.

The Next 5-4-1

Let’s stay on the topic of formations. Costa Rica are a particularly miserable team to play against because 1) they’re talented; 2) usually well-coached; and 3) utterly aware of their strengths and weaknesses. And their strength boils down to thinking along these lines: “When we play compact, we are almost impossible to break down, and that means our opponent will get frustrated, and that means we can hit them on the counter.”

That’s how the Ticos got to the quarterfinals of the 2014 World Cup.

But the surprise factor of the 5-4-1 was part of it as well. It’s a formation few had seen much of, globally, to that point, but one that’s come into vogue and has been a favorite of underdogs worldwide ever since. Each weekend you can see a handful of MLS teams attempting it (the Colorado Rapids tried and failed in Houston on Saturday), and while a formation is not tactics, formations and tactics work hand-in-hand.

Four years ago, Costa Rica’s formation worked to flummox Uruguay, Italy and England. Now it’s gone global.

Will something similar happen this tournament? I kind of hope so, though I’d rather see an aggressive, attacking formation steal the spotlight. (How about a 3-3-4 with a No. 9 who drops in off the frontline to turn and play runners through?)

Time To Shop

The Secondary Transfer Window opens July 10, and runs through August 8, providing a time of renewed hope and great expectations. MLS teams have more money than they’ve ever had before. You do the math.

Here’s a few players I hope coaches here are watching:

Gaston Silva, LB/LCB, Uruguay/Independiente (24 years old)

Ismael Diaz, FW/W, Panama/Deportivo B (20 years old)

William Troost-Ekong, CB, Nigeria/Bursaspor (24 years old)

Miguel Borja, FW, Colombia/Palmeiras (25 years old)

Let me know who you’re keeping an eye on, too.

Series: 

Topics: 

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Armchair Analyst: With US out, here's how I'll watch the 2018 World Cup was originally published on 365 Football