#i know its not the same but as someone with ocd it genuinely is starting to remind me of all the “ocd reassurance” posts. that are horrible | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

harbingrs · 2 days

Text

Description of intense moral OCD thoughts/scenarios under the read more, including self-harming and suicidal ideation

Please don't read if this may be triggering for you or be detrimental to your own mental health

This has actually been a lifelong issue for me - I used to get panic attacks as a child in elementary school, thinking about wanting to help other people, but feeling like nothing would ever be enough.

If I had a single dollar then I'd be capable of giving it away to someone who needs it more, so how could I ever justify doing anything BUT giving all my money away? How could I ever cope with having money as an adult and choosing not to donate it? This used to terrify me so much - even as a kid I felt a complete loss of control over just Needing to give everything away.

Hell, wouldn't it be selfish to buy food for myself when others are starving? That's valuing my life over theirs and I can't live with that scenario. But then I figured that if I died, I couldn't donate any money that way, so I had to stay alive in order to earn money and give it away.

And this was in /elementary school/ - I was already terrified about the future because of this internal demand, feeling like anything less than perfect self-sacrifice I couldn't live with.

I know how fucking ridiculous it is, but if I start down that path even today, I still feel the same way. It's not a choice or me just being completely, cringe-worthily dramatic, because I'm fully self-aware about how it sounds. It's like something that's installed in my brain that holds me to that standard at gunpoint, something that isn't just Me or my feelings or values.

It was hell when I was working in a 'sustainable living' business because every little day-to-day decision is moralised - every food, every purchase, every part of your daily routine is a chance to Do Better. The distress and anxiety is constant and if I follow that path of trying to do the right thing, I will end up at 'I can't justify staying alive because I'm inherently doing net harm that I can't avoid, even if I put all my time and energy and money towards mitigating it'.

And again - it sounds absurdly dramatic, but it's not from a place of rational thinking or any kind of reasoning at all, it's chasing that distress until you find out what it would REALLY take to stop it for good.

That's the kicker, and how it can escalate so badly - because as soon as you ask OCD the question of 'what would it really, finally take for this distress to stop, not for the moment, but to finally be Good Enough Forever?' the answer is going to be something completely batshit by definition. If you're following the path of doing what your OCD wants, and your OCD will always be raising the bar, it's always going to be something beyond ridiculous.

And it's not just in the scrupulosity department - I have the same feelings about personal relationships. I obsess over all the ways I could be harming or burdening people close to me, but if I follow that OCD spiral to its ultimate conclusion, the only way to make sure I NEVER negatively impact someone is to cut them off. And even then, I won't be able to undo any harm or burden I've caused in the past, which leaves me completely inconsolable and desperate for a way (ie. compulsion) to Atone and Cancel It Out.

Which again, looks EXACTLY like BPD behaviour on the surface - erratic mood swings, suddenly pushing people away, distorted self-image, suicidal and self-harming behaviour

I never know how to end posts but it is all genuinely just A Lot and there's so much shame in being a grown adult and having such extreme thoughts like "I can't justify my own existence when it's doing net harm" and being both aware of how ridiculous it sounds AND not being able to explain how deadly serious it is, that it feels like a complete moral imperative and you will never know a moment of peace until you achieve Perfection (donating all your earthy possessions, dying to protect the earth from your carbon emissions, cutting yourself off from all human interaction so you can never be an inconvenience or a burden)

For those without OCD its so hard to explain how I can be aware it's ridiculous and not something I would ever expect anyone to do, but at the same time it's so completely serious, like a force inside you that compels you to do what it wants. I feel it as a physical sensation, like a nausea, and I can never fully explain it in a way that makes sense, especislly if someone's telling me "you don't need to be perfect to be close to other people" and I can't explain "I know this but I also Have To, I Have To cut this off to make it right and I can't explain why but this is the standard I have to live to do the right thing"

Descriptions that talk about the obsessive-compulsive cycle as an increasing anxiety and performing an action to address the anxiety.... I think gives a misleading picture that the 'anxiety' is similar to the broader emotion or what's felt in Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and so people assume it can be addressed or worked through with the same methods, but for me it's most definitely not (and I experience that kind of anxiety too)

For me it's more like a) a magnetic force propelling me to do something - like the feeling of pushing two opposing magnets together, but in my chest and emotions; and b) something I just Know, that feels like an absolute, but it isn't coming from logical reasoning ot my actual beliefs or values, its just There.

That's the other misconception about it being an 'intrusive thought' - that it's like a voice over a loudspeaker that you can ignore or tune out. But for me it's more like "this is what I have to do and I just Know, I just Feel It" - it feels like a complete absolute about life and the universe, but it's not a Belief that comes from my own thoughts or values, it's just /there/

And I'm still capable of knowing that it's not how things work. I know that nobody has to be perfect and make sure they never negatively impact other people or the world around them to justify existing - that's absolutely not something I think or believe. I don't even believe that anyone or anything (eg. a higher power) is out there setting a standard of moral behaviour to meet, let alone targeting me specifically with rules that don't apply to anyone else.

It's not that I don't know these things or my experience of reality has changed - which also makes it different from a delusion (as is the full picture of OCD compared to psychosis). But in the moment, my inner feeling of I Just Know /overrides/ everything else - it's just There telling me what I Have To Do and it feels more compelling than anything else in the moment. No other 'evidence' or logic can be stronger to me than just Knowing, especially when I'm feeling thst magnetic push to do the thing I know I Need To. And it's even more distressing not to be able to explain it to anyone else in the moment.

But I think that's why calling it 'anxiety' and compulsions things that 'relieve the anxiety' can misrepresent it a bit. And I do have other obsessions/compulsions that feel a bit more like a regular anxiety/intrusive thought experience, typically because they're smaller peripheral things, like OCD side quests where it just kinds leaks out. For me that's germ issues or my brain going 'if you use that colour on your lamp it's gonna manifest freaky shit in your house" - while those same issues can be debilitating for some, it's not my big OCD theme, and so it's easier for me to work on breaking the cycles and practice getting through the distress and managing my feelings around the smaller ones.

But my big themes are a whole different story, and it's no coincidence that they're both deeply tied to what matters to me (doing good, being good to the people I care about, avoiding doing harm) and very big on the uncertainty (ie. the subjectivity of morality and what it means to be a 'good person') as well as having deep roots in my own trauma history

It's easy to see why those big themes have such a hold on me because my core values DO play into it - it's vitally important to me to do good and not to hurt people. That outcome really is a catastrophic thing to me - it's easier to make myself sit with uncertainty and discomfort about potentially eating something germy or seeing something scary in the mirror at night than it is to get myself to be complacent about being selfish and hurting other people.

It's so hard to even /start/ dealing with this better when the rhetoric is "you have to do the right thing whatever it takes, no excuses" and "you have to address and overcome this issue that's getting in the way so you can do the right thing" - which still just enshrines doing the activism etc at all costs as the end goal. It reinforces the exact concept behind the OCD and you can't recover from it in order to finally satisfy the OCD.

Recovering from moral OCD means learning to live with the uncertainty re: being a good person, and no longer needing to prove or pursue Goodness, and no longer needing to even JUSTIFY not pursuing it. Because what I'm doing right here - unpacking all this, trying to justify why I'm not doing the Good Person compulsions, why I need to not do them, is also a moral OCD compulsion.

As long as I feel the need to balance out my inadequate activism with feeling really bad about it, with how badly I want to be able to, with how awful and guilty I feel about being this way - I am also feeding the cycle. But it feels completely monstrous to even say 'I need to not feel bad about not doing good things, this is something I need to aim for'. I know that other people will see it as completely fucked and selfish and unforgivable if that's what I try to do.

All I can say is that OCD is fucking hell. I would give anything to just be normal about this. Recovering from moral OCD necessitates basically... making peace with not being Good, with being someone who can be selfish and pass up opportunities to do good without distress or guilt. You have to be able to know you COULD do better and shrug it off, without the drive to improve.

"You have to expose both to the fear that you may be morally imperfect and also to the fear that you have inadequately addressed it."

I just... can't imagine a world where it's okay for me to say 'I'm not going to do this activism/mutual aid/etc and I'm not going to feel bad about it and I'm not going to treat it like a big deal'. I don't know how to not feel like it's a big deal when other people fucking... matter. I don't know how to be selfish and at peace with it. I don't know if I even want to be.

But I know other people don't experience it like this. Somehow, they have a balance where it /matters/ and they /care/ but it doesn't consume their entire life. Even if they want to try and do more or be better, it's... not like this. But I don't know how to have that and it makes me feel fundamentally broken, that I don't know how to do that, like I don't have that internal function that everyone else does to regulate things like Desire To Help Others in a normal, proportional way.

I don't know what my future looks like and I don't know how to have the life I want - one where I can do good things and try to be a better person, but in a way that isn't driven by an all-consuming mental illness. It's terrifying to feel like instead I'm at a crossroads, where my options are a) to chase that perfectionist drive to Do Good until it kills me or b) to work on Recovery and train myself to not care and not feel bad about it. I want there to be a third option but it just feels impossible. And I don't think I could ever forgive myself for just... disengaging, let alone being complacent and aiming to not even feel bad about that.

But as soon as it's framed as "I want to get better so I can do more good things" it's right back to making that the ultimate goal I'm working towards: getting rid of my issues about moral good in order to finally ACTUALLY do more moral good. Which is like trying to overcome my issues with germs in order to achieve an even more perfectly germ-free environment - like, it just does not work as long as that's my driving motivation, because getting better means GENUINELY not being worried about that thing any more.

I just can't imagine being able to let go of that desire and owning that without guilt or shame.

PS. I also know that calling it Doing Good makes it sound like it's selfish and egotistical - like moral bragging rights as opposed to actually caring for people. But I'm wording it like that as shorthand for activism/mutual aid/political involvement/volunteering/mentoring/literally anything that could go under that umbrella. I am a person who cares, a lot - not just about "proving I'm a good person". Just about people in general. That's what makes it so hard - because the roots of my OCD are so entwined with those genuine values that I don't know how to separate them.

#posts

0 notes

magnuficentwo · 1 year

Note

4, 8, 9, 12, 13 :3

Hellooooo :3 [ask game in question !]

4- Do you know any disabled people irl ? What about online ?

I know at least like 2 or so people in my school who are physically disabled, and most of my friend group is some flavour of neurodivergent anyway. I don't have a lot of chances to get out there on my own accounts as it currently is unfortunately so my sample group is very small </3. As for online, yeah there's definetly a lot more there ! Shoutout to all my disabled homies I love u

8- Does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity ?

Boy does it ever (/silly). Pretty much all aspects of my life are affected by my neurodivergence (Mainly autism/OCD) and chronic fatigue, but I think the part that this shows through the most is with my culture. For a long time, I thought I was embarrassed of my culture and how I interacted with it in my day to day life, but as it turns out, it was never really my heritage's fault. I am straight up just Built Different and can't interact with it the intended way (+ americanization is a very real thing kids).

For an example, Brazil is LOUD. It is VERY loud. Music, politics, even just regular conversations about whatever, people are loud just as a default. This makes things hard to navigate for me, someone who has audio processing issues. I have to account for every little sound that people make whenever I go out because I genuinely will start getting so overwhelmed I will get physically ill. And this is just like, another part of my life you know ? I find I do better whenever I have a distraction like headphones or my phone, so I'll always have those in clutch with me.

Queerness is another thing i feel like messes me up. Being autistic generally means I have a pretty nebulous idea of what everything is, and my queer experience is just another one of those things. But ultimately, knowing I have full control over what happens to my identity and labels and everything is just super comforting, as someone who isn't very used to being in control of things yk ? I define what each of these things mean to me and that makes it way way easier :]

9- How do you measure your energy ?

I like the battery the most !!! One because it makes me feel like a cool robot, and two because it feels more concrete. Its like put that beast on a number scale

12- What's something people don't realize about your disability ?

I gotta be honest here, it's very much how much people will underestimate how the disability affects my behavior.

I'm pretty open about being autistic, and I do try my best to explain to people about the Chronic Fatigue stuff, but they'll just like. Most of the time ignore the fact I've told them about it ? And just treat me the Exact Same as everyone else. Don't get me wrong ! I don't want to be different ! I'm a person just like you ! But you guys *do need* to acknowlege I have very severe differences to you that will seem odd if you have no context for them. People have called me "mean" and "too literal" for not understanding cues before. People have called me lazy and entitled for not being able to participate in certain activities like everyone else before. And it's just another one of those things ! It's kind of a cycle in a way, where I have to explain myself for behaviors everyone is very aware I do, but never want to remember why.

I didn't mean to get venty lol. Anyway be nice to disabled people about issues that are VERY LITERALLY outside their control challenge

13 - What's the most Able Person Thing someone has ever said to you ?

Luckily, I mask well enough so that people don't usually bug me about my shit, but I've heard people say some genuinely baffling stuff before. My mom's side of the family especially.

My uncle has an autistic kid. She's nonverbal, often walking on her tiptoes, pale as they come– Poster child of "visible autism" pretty much. And he Does Not like that at ALL. He'll often complain about her behaviors and how she repeatedly does things after he tells her not to, plus some other ableist bullshit. Well, one beautiful day, I am playing with her while everyone's talking and eating. He looks over at us, and says something along the lines of "Wow [Mael], you and [Kids Name] really get along ! I'd almost think YOU were autistic by how well you can play with her !" And I just........stared for a second. Like yeah, you're not wrong, but GENUINELY what does that mean !!!!!!!!!!

#ask game #audience participation #beloved mutuals tag <3 #magoriginals #txt #long post

0 notes

weebannihilator · 2 years

Text

Yall will go fucking rabid, screaming and crying tripping over yourselves to make sure no one says the word ""insane"" but its dead fucking silent when those same people you're apparently "defending" try to advocate for themselves. And if not completely ignored, we're just talked over. Again and again and again. Sureee. Calling someone insane isn't nice i guess but for fucks sake can we focus on something that actually?? matters?????

Instead of trying to baby proof the internet from meanie bad words, maybe it would be more useful to focus on what you can start doing right now that will actually help:

Stop stigmatizing us.

If people were genuinely interested in helping us when they're barking the "don't say insane!!" rant, (They're not.) then it literally wouldn't take anymore than doing your own research to understand what and who they're trying to help. It can be hurtful, but someone calling me insane will never be anywhere near as harmful as the complete lack of even basic knowledge the public has about the disorders they like to stigmatize and laugh at. I can name so many just off the top of my head:

BPD (Borderline personality disorder) is extremely common. There are over 3 million cases every year. A majority of people who have BPD developed it because they were victims of early childhood truama or neglect, but the world has made it out that they're always going to be inherent abusers. Same with NPD. (Narcissistic personality disorder) It's painted that all of them are evil monsters, even though the majority developed the disorder after being abused themselves in childhood. (find a more in depth study/explanation here!)

Instead of focusing your "support" on telling people not to say insane, why don't you focus on visibility and acceptance for victims with disorders?

OCD (Obessive compulsive disorder) is an anxiety disorder associated with intrusive thoughts. Saying, "I'm so OCD" because you like to color code your pencils is careless sterotyping but an extremely common saying.

So why don't you focus on educating yourself/others when you make those mistakes?

Psychosis is common. It is not an illness itself, but a symptom. 3 in 100 people will likely have at least one psychotic episode in their lives, even those without disorders associated with it, after traumatic events. (Ex. like the death of a loved one or a natural disaster.)

So why don't you focus on normalizing reactions to truama? Even the "crazy" ones?

((For most of the extra information above^, I've linked Mayo Clinic webpages. They are easily accessible with accurate descriptions. They cover all symtoms and causes while still staying unbiased and offering support.))

I really could go on and on but this whole thing is just giving me a fucking headache. If you've been on the "dont say insane" bandwagon with absolutely nothing else to show, either shut up and stop pretending you have some moral high ground on illnesses you dont know shit about, or take a step off of your high horse and LISTEN TO US. If you're defending people with disorders, then learn from people with disorders and what we actually care about and need your support for.

We appreciate the effort, but if you're at all genuine about wanting to help, we need you to put that effort into what actually matters to us.

#intentional or not the whole dont say insane' thing feels more like an excuse to talk about us even less than you already do #this is so long winded and impulsive what do i even tag im just tired #bpd #bi polar disorder #npd #ocd #psychosis #mental health awareness #long post #rant #ok to reblog #but be fucking nice please

215 notes · View notes

honkhonkrichard · 4 years

Text

Theory: Stanley Uris was Murdered.

Tagging @vvanini I hope you can follow this okay it’s very word vomity lol

Okay So TW because this post will touch on Stan's death ad the methods behind it

I propose that Stan Uris was murdered. by IT. In his home on that fateful night. I think that Stan posed the biggest threat to IT and therefore IT felt the need to take him out before the battle even started.

Allow me to explain.

Okay, so, I need to lay out some basic "rules" or "facts" before I make my case. They are as follows.

- IT planted it's roots in Derry, and finds it difficult to leave, but still can at it’s own wil. If you read the book (I honestly don't blame you if you haven't) You'd know that once the Losers kill IT for the final time, Derry (the Physical town) is obliterated. Buildings explode, sinkholes appear, things are flooded. The town is in ruins by the time that the Losers leave the sewers. The movies don't adapt this so If this is news to you thats fine. the bottom line is that destroying IT destroys Derry, like ripping a tree out of the ground with all it's roots. Because of this, we can make the claim that while it can Leave Derry (as it does every 27 years) it probably takes tremandous amount of power to do so, which is why IT only goes when the cycle is over. Why does this matter? Well, what if IT left Derry to get to Stan? The murders had stopped for about a week when they're all in the Jade of the Orient. Plenty of time for IT to cross from Maine to Georgia. Side Note: We KNOW IT leaevs Maine to elsewhere in the world because of King's extended universe all interconnecting. it's not far off at all to make the claim that IT is the same evil that haunts, say The Shining's Overlook Hotel, which is in Colarado.

- IT is omnipresent This is also a given, IT lives everywhere, and can fuck with time and space in godlike (or maybe eldritch like) ways. in IT: Chapter Two, when Mike claims "IT Doesn't know I know what I know" he's unfortunately wrong, because we know that IT can be in A) Multiple places at once, B) can manipulate anything on the drop of a hat (See: Stan being teleported away from everyone else in Chapter One, Everything about Neibolt, etc) and C) Knows everyone's deep fears. This is further proven by IT Saying things like "Beep Beep Richie" (although this is Horribly Horribly executed in the films, ugh.) and so on and so forth. On top of all of this, We can make the claim that IT can exist outside of Time as well, given that IT is immortal. SO, what's stopping IT from Knowing Mike was going to call them all back (Espically considering that IT TOLD Mike to do this?). Even if we keep IT's omnipresence to the location that IT inhabits (in this case Derry) IT would still have knowledge of where the losers are through Mike. And if you take the Lucky Seven/Chosen Seven route (oh my god I got theories on that too) you could argue IT knows where they are inherently due to their cosmic status.

- Stan is the "most Powerful" loser So, obviously all the Loser's are powerful, espically considering they're the ones who Defeat IT (Again going on to the Lucky/Chosen Seven theory). This next claim is going to be less focused on what the 2019/2017 Movies do because they are Bad Movies and that's a whole other rant. However, in the book, Stan is (to my knowledge feel free to correct me on any of this) the only loser to Actively ward off and 'defeat' IT on his own without running away. He uses his belief in this what is Real (birds) to ward off what is "not real" (IT). The other losers do manage to take down IT in their own Right, but Stan is ultimately the one to Really get IT. This is because Stan's character revolves around Belief and Willpower. These are, in some form or another, the ways to Defeat IT. the ritual of Chud is a battle of Wills. in the book, Bill takes IT down and Eddie does the final blow. In the Remake (ugh) the losers can defeat it Technically using the belief that IT isn't as powerful as it claims because IT's "just a clown" (Ihatethatfuckingendingsomuchugh). Stan being much more skeptical than the rest of the group in his ability to understand Reality vs IT's illusions is a powermove, and IT knows that ability doesn't go away as Stan grows up, but rather he gets more powerful. Stan is the Only loser out of the 6 who left that has any sort of knowledge about IT, where the other losers have nothing. Bev has nightmares, yes, but she still forgets them. We're told in his chapter (Chapter 3, Six Phone Calls (1985), Part One: Stanley Uris Takes a Bath) that he has some hazy knowledge of his place in the Lucky Seven, and even goes so far as to MENTION it sometimes, even if he doesn't quite remember or understand any of it, his knowledge of IT and Derry is worlds more prominent than that of the rest of the losers.

(page 52 of IT: "Stanley, nothing's wrong with your life!" "I don't mean from inside." he said. "From inside is fine. I'm talking about outside. Something that should be over and isn't. I wake up frmo these dreams and think, 'My whole pleasent life has been nothing but the eye of some storm I don't understand.' I'm afraid. But then it just... fades. The way dreams do." OR page 45: He had been smiling a little. Now the smile faltered, and for a moment he seemed puzzled. His eyes had darkened, as if he looked inward, consulting some interior device which ticked and whirred correctly but which, ultimately he understood no more than the average man understands the workings of the watch on his wrist. "The turtle couldn't help us," he said suddenly. he said that quite clearly.)

So, Stan has some cosmic knowledge of IT and Maturin and his role in the battle against It. What does any of this have to do with his death? Well, let me point out some other things about Stan's death that always stuck out to me. - His death chapter is narrated by his wife, Patty, rather than himself. The other chapters - almost all the other chapters - are narrated by their respective Loser (the caviot for this is Ben, but Ben is also wasted out of his damn mind so its understandable.) - Stan's personality is few and far between in the book, but we know he has a weird little sense of humour and that he's incredibly logical. I think that this logical part of him would be able to understand that Suicide is Never Ever the answer, and that it would cause FAR more problems than it would solve. (the 2019 movie tries to reexplain his death and it's crap and i hate the letters i hate the letters so much im gonna explode) The other losers try to rationalize his death by saying "He would rather Die Clean than Live Dirty (Page 506, Chapter 10, The Reunion, part 3, 'Ben Hanscom Gets Skinny') but he had already BEEN Dirty when he defeated IT the first time, and I think he would've recognized that. - upon finding him, Patty (in her narration) notes that Stan's head is bent back over the edge of the bathtub, so from his sight she would have been upside down. If Stan DID kill himself, why would he be positioned like that? It's unnatural, like someone Posed him. - the cuts on his arms are two length wise cuts. I'm no expert but.. that's suspicious. That's weird. - IT is written in blood on the wall. Why? Why would Stan right THAT of all things? You know who DOES like to paint with blood? IT.

Alright, returning to my thesis statement, Stanley Uris was murdered. Do I think Stan genuinely was going to take a bath at 7pm (which we're told is weird for him)? Yes. I think that's absolutely a thing he could have done or planned to do. Do I think he slit his wrists and commited suicide so he wouldn't go back to Derry? No. Not even remotely.

Let me paint a New Picture.

It's May 28th, 2016, or 1985. Stanley Uris gets a call from Mike Hanlon. Stan is incredibly hesitant to go to, and says he needs time to think about it. Or tht he'll try. He can feel the starts of a Panic attack, and as he's remembering the circles of Hell he went through as a child, he tries to hold himself together. He doesn't want his darling wife to see his break, so he says "I think I'll take a bath" and nothing else before going upstairs. he hides in the bathroom. He closes and locks the door, because, well, he's panicking. Locking doors is one of The Small things he does. Is it usually the bathroom door? no, but still (OCD is a bitch, and even with medication, but this is a special case). He looks in the mirror and tries to breathe. This is fine. He can do this. They killed IT once before and they can do it again. He thinks about his younger self, the promises made, and how he could explain all of this Patty in time to catch a flight to Maine. It's terrifying, but if his friends are going to bite the dust, he wants to be there with them, wedding vows be Damned. Then he looks at his reflection again. A younger, rotted version of himself stares back at him. IT crawls through the mirror. Stan freaks out, obviously. This isn't real. This Can't be real. But IT utilizes this notion against him. It digs it's claws into his arms, and forces him to bleed out in the bathtub. IT then sets the scene nicely. Razorblades on the counter, a bloody signature on the wall, a horrible posture of Stan's neck. So on and So forth. and then IT returns to Derry. IT's a little weak, yeah, but Stan is dead. That's what matters. the Lucky Seven has now Officially broken, and the balance shifts in favour of the clown.

So that's the theory. feel free to correct me on anything or engage I have plenty of theories on this story and I like discussing this stuff :).

#anyways #Stan #stanley uris #Stan uris #mine #Murder Theory #honktheory #thats a tag now I gues ??#pw #analysis #meta

262 notes · View notes

cripplingaddictions · 4 years

Text

Sakusa brainrot

A/N: I’m bored and am devoted to one man so here is a collection of random Sakusa headcanons.

Warnings: all over the place, eczema mention? ocd mention?, kinda self-indulgent in some places

My mans suffers from eczema on his back and sometimes his cheeks, and his back gets really itchy with shirts so he has researched specific materials that he gets all his shirts in

I said this in my ‘how they sleep’ post but he loves!! back!! scratches!! when cuddling (except for when his eczema is appearing ofc)

Ik its canon that he likes dogs but I feel like he likes cats too

Expert at head-cradling, holds and strokes the back of your head when you hug/cuddle :’ )

Loves to do chores, not just cleaning, he loves folding and especially ironing laundry (he lives for the smell)

Speaking of domestic scents, ascends if there are clean sheets on his bed and they’re all fresh-smelling

If you are the type to get freckles in the summer that fade during the winter, he always hopes that they stay for a little longer

If you are the type to apologise for everything, he thinks its really cute and sweet of you, but if you ever apologise for accidentally making him uncomfortable when he’s being germaphobic, he’ll genuinely get mad at you for ever apologising for something he claims is his fault

Also hates that he feels this way about germs too, constantly wanting to be better for everyone around him

Not only hates his germaphobic behaviours for the sake of his loved ones, but because he feels that he misses out on fun activities that he’d normally be repulsed by, such as going to the beach (sand) or theme parks (touching ride handles etc)

Most of his germaphobia is a result of ocd

Once felt so unclean that he scrubbed his skin raw :( , definitely wasn’t good with his eczema, he was in pain for days with carpetburn-like wounds

A/N: Wow that got a bit angsty, back to the fluffy stuff

When he’s jealous, he gets extremely pouty and it’s really cute

Drinks milk straight like Kageyama, Atsumu hates him for it, but he genuinely doesn’t see the issue (I don’t either it’s ok)

This might just be me being self-indulgent, but I think he likes thick girls :”)

Definitely doesn’t mind extroverts deep down, but in the long run, he just moulds better with introverts and would end up with one

Kiss his moles please, he’ll melt

Dresses like someone straight out of the dark academia aesthetic, idk he just gives off that vibe

Remembers the exact type of tablets you like taking, if you struggle to swallow the large ones, he’ll get small ones, if you don’t like that lingering taste on your tongue, knows to get sugar-coated

His strongest subject in school is english, his worst is science

He dabbles in a bit of art, simple sketching and painting, also loves when you’re an artist too

If he were to play an instrument, he’d play the cello

Loves skincare and has this major routine that he does every night and invites you to do it with him on little self-care dates

Atsumu caught him chuckle at one of his jokes and he’s never been able to live it down since

If he’s overwhelmed in a crowd, he’ll follow you around like a lost puppy or hold onto your hand and you’ll have to drag him everywhere

Back at the start of your relationship before he was comfortable to hold your hand without asking, his way of asking to link fingers would be to tug on your sleeve or your shirt

His hair is the fluffiest when he blowdries it after a shower, and it is in the most perfect but messy ringlets at the same time

A/N: That’s all the headcanons I can think of for now, there may be a part 2 sometime because I live for this man :)

#sakusa kiyoomi #haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #sakusa x reader #sakusa headcanons #hq sakusa #sakusa brainrot #ash's 🧠💩

120 notes · View notes

ablednt · 3 years

Note

Hi!!! I hope it's alright to ask you this, if not then please feel free to ignore this, but I've got a genuine system related question.

Can a system exist without amnesia between alters? For example, in the sense of waking up one day and feeling like a completely different person, but still remembering the previous day even if it feels a bit foggy/ as if you were watching it from another persons perspective? Or just going through your day but it's like someone else is controlling your body and you're just watching it all happen? There's never any big time loss, at least as far as I'm aware, so I've been wondering if that's something that can happen or not

Yes, absolutely!

This is actually (mostly) our experience, and I'll talk about that in a minute but first I want to reiterate something/pos. Short of something that breaks the laws of physics (i.e systems shapeshifting their physical/external body, having superhuman abilities externally, etc.) then your answer of "Can systems exist like this" is going to be yes. I believe the most fundemental thing about systems existence is its the brains conceptualization of how multiple sentient entities in one single body could function.

Because of this, culture, upbringing, and the experiences a system has in their external life will all effect and impact the way that their system exists. This also means that while systems with similar backgrounds and experiences may experience a lot of the same things, a system is an extension of one's brain and no two brains will ever be exactly the same.

This is so important to remember to combat the rampant fakeclaiming in this community and also to grapple with the denial and doubts inherent to existing in a way that is not validated by the majority of society. If you experience it then it's a real experience and it's up to you to define it. You're valid and the things you experience are real, if you've found labels that help you describe that experience then you're in the right place, if you need to keep looking you're not faking or lying you're trying to explain things that language barely supports.

(adding a read more to talk about my experiences with amnesia as it's very relevant, but is very lengthy)

But on to your specific question, that's actually really common! Even systems that do experience amnesia don't often experience it in a way that is obvious before they start learning what signs to look for. Almost all of our childhood is missing, when we really examine how much we remember. But it doesn't feel like it's missing, because we remember the things that were mentioned/talked about often, we remembered the basic information that we needed to keep a coherent narrative going.

We have no idea what many of our experiences were, because many of them are repressed trauma, and also because many of them weren't worth actively remembering, you can only repeat the same mundane events so many times before they blur together and while that is a form of amnesia it is a very subtle one. I couldn't tell you the different meals I've had this week, but that kind of amnesia is normal to most human beings and not so distressing as not remembering what happened to give me OCD when we were seven.

I came into existence and became the main fronter or quote on quote host of this system in the beginning of 2016. We didn't know we were plural back then so I just, woke up, and I knew the body's name. I knew the event that had caused the one before me to go missing (presumably dormant somewhere inside us, maybe gone forever, we have no idea to this day). I didn't really think anything was different than usual, I was a different person but it's not like that's easy to figure out when you've never heard it's possible, you know?

The whole thing is kind of a blur for me now, I don't remember the exact events because they were traumatic and I tried not to think about them so they wound up repressed just as much as memories that weren't mine but I remember I felt like a burden had been lifted, like I was coming at the situation with a fresh and more detached perspective (had no idea how right I was about it) and I was able to act far too calmly for the horrible situation we were in at the time. This didn't last, and the trauma and other traumas definitely caught up to me but not once did I ever notice how much of my life was just caught in a haze.

Coincidentally, I had realized I was a different person as people who had been there before, but I thought this was metaphorical and just the way I felt because of my trauma. I remember once when I was venting to a random discord server I was in I kept saying like, "I feel like the person who experienced this trauma died, I feel like I replaced her and I won't ever get her back." and I was promptly told this feeling was just depression. (Coincidentally, a lot of systems get told by singlets what they're experiencing is just depression or anxiety, despite them looking entirely different.)

Amnesia, even full amnesia, rarely feels obvious. Sometimes you start to pick up on the fact that you've forgotten something, and it becomes very distressing because it's this sense of grief at something you're losing. In fact I think a bigger sign of amnesia is how closely you cling to things. We've always been the kind of person who wanted to take so many photos, and screenshot everything, and document everything. Even if it was something we hated or that made us upset we wanted to remember it, we were so scared of losing anything due to what we assumed was a normal forgetfulness. Eventually, after we realized we were a system and started having to come to terms with this sort of thing, we started to relax about this sort of thing.

We've kind of come to this place now where we've accepted that there's a lot we'll never remember about this body's life, about hosts who controlled the body before us, and there's a lot we just can't keep track of. But that's okay, what's happening right now, and what will happen in the future are what really matters. It's ok to cling to the past, it's okay to want to know this stuff, but it's also not a necessity. Even if you're not who was here before, you're here now and that's enough, that matters just as much.

But even if you don't experience that at all, if you remember you're childhood quite well, you can still have emotional amnesia. Emotional amnesia is something experienced both by dissociative systems and systems who do not dissociate, it's a natural part of having multiple people in one body. If something didn't happen to you, it happened to another person in your system, even if your brain gives you that memory (we call them common memories to differentiate) then you may know the events that happened, you may be able to visualize it even (although our visualizations tend to be less accurate and more in 3rd person, taking creative liberties to get the information of what happened across visually) but there's an emotional distance and a sort of blurriness there. These things happened and you know it happened but it doesn't feel like your memory, it feels more like recalling something you read or watched a fictional character do.

Then, that sense of "I was there for this, but I wasn't in control, somebody else made these choices" comes from being co-conscious during an event but not in control of the body. This means you're able to pickup the body's visuals and senses but you couldn't move or speak, you could only watch as someone else does those things with or without your influence.

A similar experience that can happen is blurring, this is when the lines of who is who become very obscure. You aren't yourself, but you're not not yourself either. To use a bit of a controversial example that many people used before cringe culture started really wearing down on the plural community is Steven Universe's idea of fusion. You're both people at once, kind of mixed together non-permenantly. You don't know who exactly is thinking what thought or doing what action, and this can both be pleasant or distressing depending on the context. We're blurring right now, as I'm thinking this, the sense of voice in my head is a mix of Audit's, Verdict's, and probably a few others. I (Audit) am not the one moving the body's hands to type this, but I am still in control enough that I can feel the keys pressing against our fingers. I didn't notice we were blurring until just now because it happens often when we focus.

This usually happens (if not due to dissociation, which is another common cause) when the brain needs to focus on a task or is putting under stress and needs to consolidate the effort it usually spends on keeping everyone separated. For some systems, usually self described as median systems, this blurry state is one they feel all of the time.

(median is a plural-spectrum experience that is between singlet and multiple. They do have two or more sentient entities but they don't feel fully separated to some degree or another. A common experience is feeling like different "modes" of the same person. To use another media example, this is similar to how, when the character Adora from the recent She Ra reboot is transformed into She Ra, she has different emotions, reactions, and goals. She is, for all intent and purpose, a different person. Everyone subconsciously acknowledges this, and Adora herself talks about She Ra as if she is her own person, however She Ra cannot exist without Adora.)

Most sincerely, I doubt any plural person hasn't or won't at some point experience blurring, simply because the human brain cannot juggle multiple people while also functioning well in a singlet society and because when you all share a brain full individuality isn't really a possibility. However, I cannot make a generalization like that for certain because like I said at the start of this, every brain is different.

#this got so long I'm so sorry aaaa #if you need a less long winded explanation of this stuff I can definitely try and sum it up #I got really carried away haiodfugdg #plural FAQ

5 notes · View notes

sp00kybitme · 3 years

Text

Okay so this is really personal but I feel like I need to share it in order to better my health because being upfront about your trauma is a good way to heal from it. So buckle up because this post is gonna be a real doozy:

So let's start by backing up about 4 years ago in the summer of 2017, I was 17 since my birthday follows the year number and I was going through my own personal turmoil, dealing with my already medically diagnosed PTSD, OCD, Anxiety disorder, and severe depression. I had falling outs with most all of my irl friends due to my declining mental health but the decline started around august as my therapist who worked the best for me was leaving the clinic. She was openly queer and I related a lot to her since I felt like for once I wasn't alone yet after she left I was distraught. Also at the time I had a falling out with my father and my brother was a recovering drug addict so you could say shit was really complicated around that time and my head space was not well.

So back in 2016 I was able to get a PS4 and I hadn't used it until 2017 due to being more focused on my mental health but I caved and began playing Overwatch and there I met some folks who made life seem somewhat normal for once, no high end conflict, no drama, just simple fun with friends is all I wanted and for a while I actually had that! That was until the coming month september.

So September was when I started breaking off from big friend groups and settled with 2 people, let's call them Z and J for context, So Z was someone who I would say had undiagnosed mental health issues and J was someone who was mutual friends with Z because they went to high school together. Z and J were some of my only friends and we as people really bonded over stuff and I felt like life was actually turning up after losing so much shit that year.

So just for preface/context: at this time I identified with she/her pronouns and went by the term pansexual/demiromantic but now after much time I identify with they/them pronouns and am at least asexual, as for romantic I'm still figuring that out. So November rolled around and I noticed conflict immediately, Z and J were subtly arguing and J was using a victim complex mentality to guilt Z into caving yet at the time I was an oblivious 17 year old who was just desperate was friendship to the point of trying to always be a mediator.

Z was always talking about how lonely they were and how every relationship they had never worked out and at the time I was not out about not being cisgender and so they perceived me as a girl. Throughout September to november they would CONSTANTLY ask me out to the point of it being a desperation and a guilt trip and at this point I was afraid. I had lost EVERYONE in my life here and it was so frustrating but for a month I would keep my boundaries up and say no because I genuinely wasn't interested in a relationship and I didnt feel taht way about Z but they continued to push me and eventually I gave in and I remember the exact place it happened.

So we all 3 had a daily routine of getting on and playing Overwatch for hours just to talk shit and goof around so that day we were skirmishing on the "Temple of anubis" map and I said yes and in retrospect it was a horrible time to do that because it was in front of J and in turn made them feel loke a 3rd wheel. I wanna say that me conceding into a relationship while having no attractiom or interest was wrong of me and that I apologize for but again I WAS pressured as a minor. Also I forgot to say that Z was 19 and while that kind of age gap isn't inherently the worst, I was still an emotionally vulnerable minor being coaxed into a relationship.

So things went on relatively the same except for the fact that J was beginning to sound more spiteful and ended up getting upset easier and volatile which I blamed myself for but we'll get more into J very soon. So Z and I were noticing the change in behavior but tried not to bother J with it because they always didn't wanna talk about it. J confided in us at one point by telling us about their living situation being troublesome, they claimed they had no privacy, were verbally abused by their mother, and had relatives who were also abusive. We both had empathy for J and I was strongly affected by that since I had a strong disconnect from my father at the time who was abusive in a religious way.

We tried to keep things relatively normal at this point for the sake of J but Z was always trying to be bluntly romantic with me and I wasn't interested although they did ask me for "thigh pics" (lemme preface by saying I was still a minor at this point) but I was coaxed into that and virtual s*x which I was extremely uncomfortable with but Z had a strong tendency to victimize and guilt trip and I just wanted friends and had PTSD from friends levaing me and calling me selfish. It's not something I'm proud of but I genuinely was THAT scared of losing friends. In instances where J would get spiteful and resent Z, J at one point left our group chat and group and didnt reply to us because they attempted s*icide. We were HORRIFIED to find that out and really tried to keep a close eye on J into the new year.

2018 rolls in and now is the year that I consider my worst, I will TW// onward for talks of verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, talks of s*xual assault, s*icide, homophobia, and gaslighting. So after J's s*icide attempt I felt even WORSE in a relationship that itself was already one sided but I powered through as to not upset Z. The friendship dynamic we had at this point was gone as it only seemed to be arguing and fake excitement. One thing we all did in the game was idolize specific characters and obsess over them for mental comfort to the point that we got emotionally distraught over their deaths in game, genuinely very unhealthy for all of us. One thing J would do at times was purposefully pick me and Z's characters in game in commit s*icide in game with them just to upset us and would sometimes mentally torture Z by forcing them to be the character Z hated which only screwed up Z's Mental health. J would also alwsys victimize and act like they weren't being treated fairly and that all culminated in January.

January 2018, J began putting the thought of a polyamorus relationship on the table as in J, Z, and I would all be in a relationship together which I wasn't too keen on but was open to if it made everyone happy. Z wasnt interested at all and for the span of 2 weeks of January, J kept trying to manipulate and coax Z into a relationship and had me try to convince Z as well which I didn't know was wrong but granted I didn't understand Poly relationships until years later. Z eventually half caved and gave it a try but a day later Z backed out because they felt uncomfortable. I was a bit irritated at that time and so was J but I didn't personally know why because I was very oblivious to love and how it was supposed to be. We also would play 1v1 type games for fun until this time because both of them were seriously bothered by losing in 1v1 games and would gloat when they won. I personally didn't care as much and would joke around for the most part just to have fun. After this month we stopped playing 1v1 type games.

Early February came and we all began hanging out in skirmish (which means like a map where you just freeroam for 30 minutes until it refreshes), sometimes we would do ship dynamics with each other for fun and at the time we were joking around. Me and J joked around about two male characters (Junkrat and Roadhog) being together and if you have seen the two characters then you'll know why. Their dynamic as friends is flawed but a popular one yet nonetheless I liked their dynamic as a relationship at the time. Around this time, Z was beginning to do what I would call "selective homophobia" as in they would like some gay ships and despise others. When Z was presented with a WLW (lesbian) ship, they would be 100% supportive yet when a specific MLM (gay) ship was presented, they would make gagging noises as if they were trying to throw up. I should also mention how often Z would send Overwatch porn to group chats and how it made me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as a minor.

J would ultimately hold the blatant homophobia against Z and tried to turn me again Z for it. During this time, J was messaging me privately to try and convince me that Z was a bad person and that I should break up with them. Ultimately I agreed and broke up with Z over this and me and J distanced myself from Z to just hang out together. I was personally distraught in just finding out that a friend I was close to ended up being Homophobic all this time and emotionally it broke me a lot. At the time, J was there to help me emotionally and that initially helped me build trust with them. Eventually in mid February they asked me out and since they had helped me so much mentally, I felt out of a sense of obligation that being with them was something I almost owed them.

Side note: I wanna bring up this point as just a weird coincidence: February itself has always been one of the worst months for me every year, something horrendous has happened to me each February of each year and its weird because of how often I can recall this still being the case.

So After being around J for so long we started to just joke around and have fun as friends. They actually showed me their face for the first time over a video call which actually surprised me because they looked different then I thought they were but nonetheless I enjoyed their company because I felt like I had a friend. March rolled around and my birthday was coming up, my 18th birthday which was more of a big deal to J than me. They wanted to see me in provocative pictures and were constantly talking about how excited they were for it and I didn't understand why really. They were also 19 btw and they seemed way too excited for something as simple as that kind of picture. The day rolled around and I felt uncomfortable, I was told to send pictures and I did which admittedly made me uncomfortable as hell yet I still did and I was given positive affirmation for it. Little fact about me is that one thing I didn't get much growing up was positive affirmation so getting that made me feel like I was actually doing something right for once.

Over the next few months, J went from supportive and well intent to showing their true colors. As time went on they began to get more and more controlling with the things that I did as an individual. It went from supoorting the fact that I struggled with PTSD to using it as a reason that I shouldn't be making other friends besides them. From being supportive of my open mindedness with sexuality to coaxing me into spewing hateful rhetoric. Their family was actually really supportive of me at first, the thibg they had said about their mom turned out to be a lie used to play on my sympathy because their mom adored me as a person and constantly would ask if me and my mom needed anything. They sent us two big care packages through the mail with food and money for food and I originally was against that not just because I'm genuinely horrible at taking gifts but because they had my physical address and knew where I lived in case they wanted to "visit". The care packages meant a lot to me and my mom because we've been low income since I was little and having the luxury to live in a house or not have to worry about food consumption was something I never had.

During late spring, J began to be a lot more forceful with me by manipulating and gaslighting me into thinking many toxic things. I was afraid at this point of both J and being alone again. They would tell me that I should start acting more feminine and "like a girl" and that was REALLY triggering to me since over a big part of my life, I was questioning my gender identity and being forced into this feminine box made me hate myself. They would tell me to wear "panties", talk higher pitched, and even tell me to be a submissive partner who just lets them lead and me follow. I'm naturally a more dominant person in general so it was like I was disregarding a huge part of my identity. I was almost silenced into this role that J wanted me to be. They would force me to do lewd things online and while you could say that I shouldn't have been worried since it wasn't irl, they knew my address and last name.

One instance I remember was that J asked about my deadname and I told them and then questioned why I would change that name since it "was more feminine and fit me". It was upsetting to hear that but at least they didn't deadname me after finding out. They also kept telling me that I wasnt allowed to be attracted to anyone but them. I wasn't allowed to protest because they would threaten killing themselves and actually send a picture of them with a knife to their throat as if to threaten me.

A detail I left out intentionally was something that disturbed me the most about them and really makes me think they have a serious form of some kind of dissociative mental disorder. (Context: I'm not stigmatizing folks who have Dissociative disorders, my mother has one and the symptoms J exhibited make me think of someone who experiences detachment or disillusionment. Im not going to diagnose them but my instinct makes me believe that it could be something similar yet they have never been medically diagnosed.) J would constantly talk about a friend they had in elementary school who had taken their own life and how the spirit of this friend still keeps near them since they were close back then. This friend almost seemed to become a way to manipulate me later on in 2018.

This friend of theirs almost seemed to be a way to seperate themselves from how they treated me or avoid blame. This friend would threaten me that if I didn't let J r*pe me that they were gonna commit s*icide and that it would be my fault for not doing what they wanted. They also would threaten me to do what J said or else they would "possess" me. I'm someone who has had bad experiences with spirits so I didn't want to have more hell. J themselves would sometimes get extremely angry when I stood up for myself or expressed stuff I was really interested in and would threaten to track me down, assault me, and kill my mom. They also began pitting me against my mom because I would talk about how my mom was getting worried about me being hurt but J said that my mom was faking it and manipulating me and I almost believed J but I know my mom and I know she cares too much about me to do something like that.

Around September, I was practically an emotionless shell. I wasn't excited about anything, I wasn't angry anymore, I was barely feeling much of anything but a deep seeded sadness. I lacked in a lot of places and repressed any emotion I had so deep that I couldn't react to anything anymore. I think J began to notice because they started to actually act concerned after a while but that was flickering like a light switch. One of the last instances that I broke down was august of 2018 when I began crying heavily over microphone and begging them to not hate me. They had no reaction, no remorse , no empathy and when their mom came in they just left me there crying without affirming me at all.

During this time, I was sending hundreds of nude photos a day to appease them and they would get off and go to sleep and during the night I would secretly cry and look at queer based things in private to try and keep some semblance of my identity in tact. I actually started watching Sanders sides around July 2018 and enjoyed the series and how nice the fanbase seemed and it somehow helped me get through this rough period of time.

October was probably some of the worst time because I ended up missing my favorite holiday, Halloween which was the only time I personally enjoyed being myself because the element of the holiday made me happy. That halloween I spent on overwatch with J, overall miserable and hating myself. I also forgot to mention that J would dictate what I wore, they would hate that I wore boxer briefs and men's cologne and deodorant, they constantly questioned why I was trying to be masculine when I was AFAB but again I was also closeted with my gender identity and this shoved me even more into the closet when they would argue with me about it.

November rolled around and I had practically been at my breaking point, J was trying to convince me for weeks to move down south to live with them and their family and I was practically being forced. I have a fear of flying and I kept saying that I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my disabled mom by herself and my mom also hates flying. J was trying to get things their way and forced me too and I was looking into flights even though I was deadset on not going. November 11th 2018, I wasn't replying to J's texts right away because I was actually standing up for myself. They began HEAVILY threatening to end their life and I remember sitting there and crying without emotion then I hung up on them and told them to stop calling and texting me as they had begun to text and call me incessantly. I said I needed a break and finally let out a breath when they said ok.

Around late November, I felt as though I had misjudged Z and unblocked and messaged them, apologizing for being a dick to them. They initially forgave me and I was just going to move on but they asked if we could play in a public chill server and I accepted just to try and get my mind off of J. As we entered into the game, J suddenly started spectating and Z left instantly out of fear. I only talked to Z just to apologize and give context as to what happened, I was desensitized and just needed a friend. J messaged me apologizing frantically and saying "if you've moved on to date Z, just tell me so I can move on" and I said "no, I just needed a friend right now and I need my space. Don't talk to me for a while, respect that one thing." And thankfully, I was actually left alone.

December rolled around once again and at this point I had finally blocked J and moved on from everything, J's mom had messaged me on Facebook and told me that I was a "filthy cheater who just used J for their kindess and didn't care about them" but I did actually genuinely care deeply about J yet he abused my compassion by gaslighting me and putting me into this false sense of security. Before I could reply, she blocked me so she never actually took the time to ask me. I was feeling guilty for leaving J but I was reassured by Z during that time period and Z had apologised for previous comments as well. Z ended up introducing another friend to the group, we'll call them A. We would first play Overwatch but immediately switch to Minecraft which I had bought when still with J to play with their family. Around this time I had begun to cling to Z uninitentionally due to recovering from my trauma and needing that affirmation that I wasn't some terrible abuser, as J had manipulated me to think I was. Z was getting a bit bothered by this yet they had never publicly told me nor did they understand why I clung to them in the first place. Z knew I had PTSD and I had told them exactly what I had just described earlier about what J had done to me and Z was initially very empathetic though I was never told that my clinginess was bothering them because I was in recovery mode. Eventually towards the end of January, I was told by A that they knew why I was so clingy with Z. At first I was confused because they both had known that I had PTSD but A proceed. "The only reason you're so clingy with Z is because you're secretly still in love with them, I can read you like an open book and you would do best to stop denying your obvious feelings for them" Hearing this made me personally disgusted, appalled, and upset mentally. Z kept to the side during this discussion and didn't go against A however they didn't deny A's words.

I retorted by speaking about my trauma and how it made me cling to people unnecessarily but then A proceeded to invalidate my trauma by implying that I was over exaggerating what I had gone through. I felt awful and I forcefully distanced myself from them both only to go back once again out of fear of being alone. This continued for a while until July 10th, 2019 when I finally distanced myself from Z for good. I made my own account on Instagram and over the span of 2 years, I built up a community of people who liked my work and I got my sense of individualism back give or take. I recently changed accounts because this era in my life is brand new and I couldn't be happier with where I'm at.

This post is more so a form of being vulnerable and a bit of exposure therapy. Sure im not a perfect person, I can't even publicly out my abusers but I think it would do more harm than good. If anyone wants to have a warning for their accounts, at least on YouTube, message me on my Insta in my bio. I'm sorry if this was long and possibly upsetting but I wanted to just get this out. I dont know who would be seeing this but if you read this far: thank you, honestly its upsetting to have to go through so much bullshit and I hate talking about it because it's difficult to really put shit out there without feeling like its some tupe of attention thing. I don't want to post this for sympathy, I want to post this for me, just to feel better about where I'm at and also face my trauma head on to heal from it. I'm not saying this to compare who's life is worse or not but I am posting this to better myself.

Thank you again,

Spooky

3 notes · View notes

imagine-loki · 4 years

Text

Out of Place

TITLE: Out Of Place

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: One Shot

AUTHOR: cateyes315

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine that Loki is bored in the Avengers Tower and goes around playing pranks. One of the pranks is to randomly rearrange things. When you go to your room and see the items in different places, you’re shocked.

“LOKI!” your yell of rage echoes through out the hall.

Loki is shocked and tries to slip away. But too late, his collar is caught by someone. Turning around, he sees your angry face.

“Well, how are you doing today, [name]?”

You don’t answer, and Loki gets dragged away by his collar.

“Can we talk about this?”

“No.”

https://imagine-loki.tumblr.com/post/618134855675510784/imagine-that-loki-is-bored-in-the-avengers-tower

RATING: Everyone

NOTES/WARNINGS: None

SUMMARY: Loki plays a prank on the reader not knowing it would backfire

Out Of Place

You walked into your room in Avengers tower and immediately something felt wrong. You couldn’t place your finger on it at first as there were no immediate threats around, however as you looked closer you realized your things were out of place. As if you had put them away in the wrong place, which was impossible, considering everything had its place and it drove you crazy if something was out of place. You turned around and were about to go ask the others if they knew anything when Nat stopped in your open doorway. “I see he didn’t listen,” she said leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed. “What?” You asked confused and in shock.

“Apparently Loki was bored and decided to play some pranks, one of which was to rearrange things in EVERY room in the tower. I warned him to stay out of your room but obviously he didn’t listen.” She stated simply. You immediately went from shocked to upset, “Where is he right now?” You asked through clenched teeth, fists at your sides. “In the common area,” she answered and quickly moved out of your way as you stormed out of your room and down the hall, rage in your eyes. As you get to the common room you yell out, “LOKI!”, with rage in your voice. Loki upon hearing you angrily, yelling for him tries to slip away. But it’s too little, too late as he feels someone grab the back of his collar and turn him around. “Oh hello (Y/N), how are you today?” He asks oh so innocently. Instead of responding you proceed to drag him down the hall back to your room, despite his protests. He asks if you can talk about it but you just growl “no” while you keep pulling him down the hall. You finally let him go when you get back to your room but not until you’re both in the middle of your room. You stand there angrily glaring at him while he brushes himself off as he stands up. “Well I believe that was rather uncalled for.” He said as he looked up at you. “You think so?” You ask, still quite upset with him. “Well so was you invading MY space and MOVING EVERYTHING.” “That’s what this is about? In that case allow me to fix it.” Loki said as he raised his hand to use his magic to put it all back the way you had it. But you grabbed his hand before he could finish the motion. “You will fix this, but you will fix it the way I WANT.” You said as you let go of his hand. “Of course that’s what I was about to do, put everything back how it was.” He stated as if that was obvious, yet something about the look on your face kept him from trying to use his magic again. “That’s not exactly what I mean.” You stated while staring at him, with your arms crossed. “Then what did you have in mind (y/n)?” He asks, getting a bit nervous. “You’re going to put it ALL back the way it was,” you say with a mischievous smile starting to spread across your face. “By hand, you will not use ANY magic to assist you. Even the things on the high shelves and what I had hanging on the walls.” You saw the slight fear and shock in his eyes, “How am I supposed to reach all that with no magic?” “The same way we mortals do, those of us that can’t just fly or have magic,” you say as you pull the step stool out of your closet. “Also I assume you didn’t have help doing your pranks, so you may not have help putting everything back. You may ask Jarvis to show you where things were so it gets put EXACTLY where I had it, but that is the only help you get.” At this point, having never seen you like this before, Loki is staring at you, mouth open wide. So you inform him you will be in the common room until he finishes and proceed to walk out of your room and down the hall. However upon entering the common room you find you’re not alone. Tony looks like he’s about to bust out laughing, but Nat glaring at him stops him. She knows why you reacted the way you did but no one else does, even though Tony would probably understand. You simply sit on the couch with one of your favorite books you picked up off your dresser on the way out of your room. You sat there stretched out, blatantly ignoring the questioning glance from Cap, and started reading. *a few hours later* Loki is almost finished with putting everything back and has been wondering why you reacted so strongly when you usually laughed at his pranks. He decides to ask Jarvis. “Jarvis, perhaps you could help me with something.” He asked as politely as he could. However, he got no response from the AI that Tony was so fond of. Loki shrugged his shoulders mumbling about “intelligent indeed”, when a voice from behind him shocked him. Nat stood in the doorway glaring at Loki, when he tried to talk to Jarvis. She spoke up, “You upset (y/n) he doesn’t take kindly to that. So you can ask someone else, or you could just ask (y/n) whatever it is you were trying to find out.” “I’m curious as to why they got so upset, they usually find my pranks funny even when aimed at them.” Loki really just couldn’t understand it. “If you had just listened to me when I warned you to stay out of their room you wouldn’t be in this mess. Also you should look up OCD maybe that will explain where you screwed up.” She said as she walked away. He decided to try asking Jarvis again, “Jarvis, I’m sorry I’ve upset our friend. If you could just help me understand what this OCD is and why they’re upset, perhaps I can help fix this.” After a few moments of silence he was about to give up and just look it up himself in the Library when he finished, when he heard the AI speak to him. “OCD is a type of disorder that manifests in various ways, in (y/n)’s case things have to be put in a certain place in a certain way or it throws everything off and makes them anxious until it is replaced the way it’s supposed to be. They’ve been reading the same page in that book for the past 2 hours.” He was still annoyed with Loki but knowing he didn’t understand what his actions caused helped Jarvis want to help him fix this. “Now that book you just put on the bookshelf, was actually laying right on that nightstand. It’s one they read at night to help them relax.” “Thank you Jarvis, I truly am sorry I upset them, next time I will definitely listen to Natasha when she tells me not to do something when it comes to (y/n). They’re a very good friend and I hope I didn’t completely ruin our friendship. How long do you think they will stay mad at me?” “Having everything back how it belongs will definitely help. Other than that give them time to calm down and make sure you apologize to them. Make sure they know you’re genuinely sorry and not just saying it to get out of trouble with them.” Jarvis told him where to put a couple of other things and before long he was finished. “Thank you again for your help Jarvis. Now if you’ll excuse me I have some amends to make.” Having said that he walked out of the room and toward the common area. Everyone was sitting in the common room when he walked in and asked you to come inspect his work. You had calmed down quite a bit yet you started to get anxious as you neared your room, for fear things wouldn’t be how they belonged. As you walked in your room you realized you shouldn’t have worried about it being put back right, since Jarvis undoubtedly told him when he put something in the wrong place. You walked around the room inspecting everything while Loki stood inside your doorway, head hanging low in shame at upsetting you. Walking over to stand in front of him you told him it was perfect and he could go now. However he stood there head still hanging low and shuffling his feet as if he wanted to say something. So you asked him what was on his mind. Looking up with genuine shame and a sincere look in his eyes he apologized for his behavior. “I should’ve listened to Natasha, she warned me to leave your belongings alone. I just thought she was trying to ruin my fun, I didn’t realize how badly my actions would upset you, let alone that you couldn’t help your reaction. That doesn’t excuse my actions, if there is anything at all I can do to make it up to you no matter the cost to myself I will do whatever it takes to correct this. Even if it is to give you time and personal space.” You were shocked at first that he seemed to know about your OCD, but when you thought about it you should’ve known Nat or Jarvis would explain just how badly he screwed up by messing up your order of things. “So, who told you, Nat or Jarvis? I’m not upset, just curious as to who got through to get a genuine apology out of you.” You added to reassure him you weren’t still angry. “I know how truly rare those are,” you added with a small smile on your face. Seeing the smile and knowing you wouldn’t be upset with them telling him he confessed. “Well Natasha informed me I really screwed up and suggested I look up OCD and Jarviis filled in the blanks. I truly am sorry I upset you so, I thought it would be a funny prank.” You sighed, “Well it wasn’t funny so the next time you even think about arranging my things perhaps you’ll remember this experience and leave it alone.” “I wouldn’t dream of upsetting you so much again, especially now that I know why.” He responded and was about to say more when you both heard a voice above you. “Y/N, Loki I’m sorry to interrupt such a genuine moment but I was asked to inform you by Lady Natasha that “supper is ready and if you don’t get your asses down here I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop them from eating your favorite chinese dish”. Jarvis informed you repeating Nat’s message using her exact words, knowing that’s exactly how she would want it to be relayed. The two of you smiled at each other and you spoke first, “Guess we should get down to the dining room and get something to eat.” Loki sighed, “Yes we should, knowing my oaf af a brother there won’t be much left if we don’t hurry,” He suddenly smiled and looked at you. “Would you like to make it there rather quickly?” He asked, offering his arm and a genuine smile. “Sounds good to me, I am quite hungry,” you responded, accepting his arm with a genuine smile on your face. “So are you still mad at me my dear friend?” He asked, looking at you before moving any further. “I’m not as mad, but maybe a prank or two on Thor and Tony could help you get out of trouble quicker.” You responded with a mischievous look in your eyes and a big smile on your face knowing he couldn’t resist pranking those two more than most. “Consider it done, as soon as we finish eating,” he replied with the same look on his face. “I can handle that,” you respond, “let’s go eat then, I’m really hungry all of the sudden.” “As am I,” he said and with a wink and a shimmer of green you and Loki were teleported into the dining room at your favorite seat of the table.

#Loki #God of Mischief #Submitted one shot #submission #out of place #cateyes315

69 notes · View notes

epic-potato-crisp · 4 years

Text

Caramel Syrup

Note: Dear @gingerrhd, I was your secret santa this year! You mentioned KouKei, autumn, sarcasm, and the worst coffee date ever in the prompts, so I decided to go with a coffeshop! AU for the story. I hope you enjoy! ^-^

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bell jingled over his head as Kei pried open the heavy door of “Fantôme.” There weren’t many customers around, which is what he had been going for for when he decided to pick a small, secluded coffeeshop to study in favor of the larger franchise store down the road. It had been his go-to-place, before Kei discovered just how many students from his High School spend their free hours and afternoons there.

No thank you. Kei could do without the obligatory socialization every time he tried to get ahead in his homework. Also, their management had changed and for some absurd reason he had a strange feeling about the new shift manager behind the counter, an old man approaching pension age who graced him with a downright unsettling smile every time they met. So Fantôme it was. As it turned out, not only was the store empty, and offered “Free Wifi” if one were to believe the obnoxious signs plastered throughout, it also held a large amount of seating opportunities. That was welcome news to Kei, who despised encountering his classmates almost as the lack of free tables. “Welcome!” The red-haired boy behind the counter shouted as soon as he spotted him, bowing promptly. Kei grimaced at the ear-splitting volume. “A gingerbread latte please.” he ordered, after a customary glance at the menu. “That will be 600 yen.” Kei nodded, and handed over the required amount. “Alright. Please take a seat. Coming right up!!” the barista responded, flashing him an irritatingly cheerful smile. Kei rolled his eyes and went to find a table.

“Here you go, sorry for the delay.” A good ten minutes later, a steaming cup of coffee was placed in front of him. Kei had already spread himself out over the desk, his laptop turned on and class notes on his side. “Thanks.” Kei graced the barista-server-whatever he was with a court nod, before turning back to his screen. “Oh, what are you doing there?”

Someone save him.

“Homework.” “Oh, cool, for what subject?” The redhead didn’t seem the slightest bit deterred by the venomous look Kei shot him, sliding into the empty next to him. On the contrary. “History.” “Oh man, I hate that subject. But you know what I hate even more?” Kei did not remember asking, but the barista generously provided him with an update anyway. “Biology. Seriously man, I didn’t know there were so many complicating things to know about plans. Don’t you just water them?” He gestured wildly as he spoke. “Oh, and don’t get me started on Japanese Literature-“ “Don’t you have work to do?” Kei cut across him. “Nah, actually, my shift break just started. Lucky, eh?” the barista grinned.

Oh God, he should have gone to his old place. Not even his classmates talked this much.

“I’m Nakano Kou, by the way! Nice to meet you!” He held out his hand. Kei grimaced, but forced himself into the polite response and shook it briefly. “Likewise.” He replied monotonously. Nakano tilted his head, his bushy eyebrows travelling skywards. So much for privacy. “I’m Nagai Kei.” Kei grumbled, “And I have work to do, so if you excuse me-“

It was at that moment a tall man with glasses and silver hair appeared behind the counter. “Nakano!” he barked, as soon as he spotted the pair of them, “If you have time to harass the customers, you might as well get to work! The tables won’t clear themselves.” Nakano winced, caught and got to his feet with a sigh. “Sorry, my shift manager is no fun. I’ll see you around, yeah?” Kei didn’t dignify that with a response. He got to work.

“Welcome! Oh, Nagai, it’s great to see you back!” “Likewise.” Kei ground out between clenched teeth, cursing his luck. The shop was fuller this time, the tables being occupied by elderly people enjoying their afternoon treat and college students typing away at laptops alike. Did the Fantôme not employ anyone else? Either Nakano was the epitome of obliviousness, or he purposefully ignored Kei’s hostile tone. He took his order- Kei went with his regular, with an extra helping of caramel syrup- chatting away merrily as he did. “Honestly, I’m really glad you chose our store. You know, the bigger franchise one down the road?” “Hard to miss.” Kei deadpanned. “Yeah, that one! So, they drive away most of our customers. But Hirasawa-san- that’s my boss, you know- he says not to worry. That the Phantom has its own unique charm, ya know?” The coffee machine beeped shrilly. “Oh, whoops, gotta refill the water tank. Just a second!” “It’s Fantôme.” Kei couldn’t help himself. “What?” Nakano appeared genuinely confused, as he filled a large container under the sink. “The shop. It’s pronounced Fantôme.” Correcting other people’s pronounciation had always been one of Kei’s biggest pet peeves. It hadn’t exactly helped him in making friends at school. “Sure, if you say so! French confuses the heck out of me.” Kei was about to spitefully remark what doesn’t, but held his tongue.

Nakano, who had meanwhile successfully managed to get the machine working again, turned his back on the cup filling with coffee and grabbed a chocolate pastry from showcase, placed it on a tiny plate and handed it to Kei.” “Voila!” “I didn’t order that.” Kei said. “Yeah, I know. Consider it on the house.” Kou winked and rang him up.

Kei managed about an hour of successfully typing away at his essay before a certain redheaded menace decided to join him again at the table.

“Hey, hope you don’t mind!” He declared energetically, before taking a seat next to Kei, armed with a piece of cake and sparkling glass of soda. Kei did mind, but apparently that was obsolete.

“So what are you doing today?” “History again. Citing my sources.” “Ugh, that sounds boring.” Nakano said emphatically. “Tell me about it.” “So you’re going to Kaisei?” Nakano said, with a nod to his blazer. “I guess.” “Isn’t that crazy hard to get into?” Kei shrugs. “Maybe. I didn’t think the entrance exam was that difficult.” “Woah!” If Kou’s eyes widened any further, they would have popped out of their sockets. “You’re really fucking smart, aren’t you?” Kei, much to his disagreement, felt his cheeks warm at the unexpected praise. “So, you’re in High School too? What year?” Kei asked, in an attempt to redirect the conversation towards Nakano himself. “Year 2.” “Same as me.” Nakano groaned pitifully. “End of term exams are going to kill me once I start studying for them.” Kei stopped his typing. “What do you mean once you start studying for them? They’re in February.” “Yeah, so? “It’s December.” Kei knew it wasn’t his place to advise the other boy on study methods, but he was adept at spotting a train wreck in the making. Or perhaps, that was just his OCD talking. “When were you going to start?” “End of January?” Nakano responded. It sounded like a question.

Oh dear God.

“Anyway.” Nakano said, misinterpreting his stunned silence for agreement, “You know how I said that the larger store drives our customers away? Know why that is?” His eyes sparkled excitedly. Kei glanced at the counter, hoping the coffee machine would decide to act up again and save him from the rest of this conversation. “Other than that they’re an internationally renowned franchise with stores all over the world? No. Couldn’t possibly imagine.” Kei replied sarcastically, which went right over Nakano’s head. “Nah, that’s not it.” Nakano said, dismissing Kei’s perfectly logical statement with a wave of his hand. He grinned conspiratorially. “Listen to this. There are rumors that their new manager is cahoots with the yakuza. The Yakuza! Crazy, right?” “Wow.” Kei said, not knowing what else to respond to this. Indeed, the grandpa behind the counter did look like he could murder his him in his sleep and get away with it. It would probably a merciful death by comparison, he thought, side-eyeing Nakano, who rambled on as though there was no tomorrow. A few minutes later, he was saved by the same sour-faced shift manager that had come to his aid the other day. “Stop trash-talking the competition, Nakano! Table 3 wants to order!” “Ah, yessir!” Nakano yelled, making Kei wince. He jumped up and gave a wave. “Laters!” Kei pinched his forehead, and returned to his sources.

For someone who had vowed to never return here, Kei thought glumly to himself, as he walked into the Fantôme a week later on a rainy Thursday afternoon, he was really bad at keeping promises. Even to himself. The lady behind the counter was tiny. “Good afternoon.” She greeted him monotonously, staring at him with dark, soulful eyes that looked like they’d seen enough. “What would you like?” Kei thought decisively that he didn’t miss the exciting chatter that had accompanied his earlier orders, and got out his wallet.

“Oh, hey! Nagai! Izumi-san, I’m taking this one.” Kei didn’t know what exactly possessed him to return the very next day, but there was work he had to yet finish, and the atmosphere of the coffeeshop had provided to aid his levels of productivity. Well, for the most part. “Alright.” The petite woman from yesterday replied, eyes even more weary than the day before, and moved on to the next customer. Fridays were busy, even at the Fantôme. “Gingerbread latte?” Nakano asked, as soon as Nagai reached the counter. Nagai nodded. “And, one of these pastries, please.” he said. “Coming right up! And, sorry, but I guess I’ll have to charge you for the pastry this time. Tosaki-san- that’s my shift manager said I’m not allowed to give out freebies.” He shrugged. “That’s fine.” Kei said. “But I’m starting to convince him of the fact that you’re a regular, so that might change!” Nakano winked. “Don’t count on it.” “Yeah, yeah, that’s what they all say.” Nakano said teasingly, and rang him up.

Kei was impressed to learn that even a rush on a Friday afternoon was not enough to deter Nakano from bothering him at his table. Strangely enough, he found himself not really minding the company. Even if it did keep him from his statistics homework. “Fun fact.” Nakano said, “You know that this store was originally gonna be called IBM? But you know, that’s trademarked, so Hirasawa-san didn’t go ahead with it.” “What the hell would IBM even stand for?” Kei shut his laptop screen, deciding that perhaps a small break would not completely ruin his progress. He took a bite out of his pastry, which tasted more delicious than it had any business being. “I don’t know, man. International Brewery Masters?” “You literally have one store.” “Point taken.” Nakano grinned.

Kei rolled his eyes. “Shouldn’t you be at the register?” “My coworker’s handling it.” Nakano said, making large puppy eyes at him, “I have a double shift on Saturday, give me a break.” “Your coworker?” “Well, yeah, Izumi-san. You’ve met her, right?” Nakano’s voice picked up, excitedly. “She’s really hot, isn’t she?” “What exactly is hot, Nakano-kun?” a quiet voice asked behind him asked. Nakano choked on his soda. The woman in question had approached with the stealth of a panther. She narrowed her eyes at the younger employee. “I-Izumi-san!” Nakano responded, flustered, “I, uh, I meant the coffee! Right, Kei? It’s really nice and hot, isn’t it?” “It’s very good, indeed.” Kei responded, after a delighting moment of watching Nakano struggle in embarrassment. Izumi left, but not without shooting last glare in Nakano’s direction. “I feel like she doesn’t like me.” Nakano whined, as soon as she was out of earshot. “How on earth did you reach that conclusion?” Kei asked, raising an eyebrow. He glanced at his watch. It was already close to 6 pm. “I’m sorry, but I’m leaving in a bit.” Eriko was home from the hospital for the weekend. And as strained as their relationship might be, Kei did feel guilty for not spending as much time with his little sister as he probably should have. “Oh, that’s perfect!” Nakano replied, “I’ll get off in half an hour. Want to walk to the station together?” Oh well. He needed to catch his train either way. “Sure.”

Nakano, predictably, talked the entire way to the station. Which suited Kei well this time, as it saved him from having to make awkward small talk. He learned that Nakano had been working at the Fantôme for a year already. He was one of two High Schoolers the shop’s owner, Hirsawa-san had employed. Most other employees were college students. There was Tosaki, who was studying for his masters at Keio University, and Izumi, an undergrad student at Sophia. He also learned that Nakano lived on his own, and had barely scraped by his first year in High School. When asked about his parents, he shrugged. “They didn’t pay the rent, and got us kicked out of our place. My uncle’s helping me pay for a room, but I’m pretty much on my own with all other expenses. Sucks, but that’s the way it is.” “I’m sorry.” Kei answered, not knowing what else to say. “Don’t be.” Nakano gave him a smile that seemed genuine, “I do like my job. Even though Tosaki-san can be a pain at times.” An awkward silence fell between them. “Want to exchange LINE ID’s?” Nakano asked, just before they reached the station. “Sure, whatever.” “You can call me Kou, by the way. Nakano’s so freaking formal. And can I call you Kei, too?” “Whatever.” Kei repeated, ignoring the pleased feeling in the pit of his stomach when he realized Nakano had bothered to remember his first name.

Ten minutes later, on a crowded train heading back home, Kei muted his phone notifications when Kou wouldn’t stop spamming their chat with rilakumma emojis.

Despite his better judgement, Kei started showing up at the Fantôme once a week. His visits fell mostly on Mondays, which was coincidentally also the day that Kou was on his regular shift. Kei blamed it on the workload the school assigned with the beginning of every week.

He had slowly developed a craving for the Fantôme’s coffee specials, and the place did offer a rather peaceful study atmosphere, if he left aside Kou’s chattering during his impromptu visits at Kei’s table.

But even those, he secretly grew to like. Not that he would ever admit to it.

“Welcome! Your order?” The barista at the counter was not Kou. A shadow fell over Kei as the man towered above him at what was easily two meters of height. The Fantome’s signature apron barely reached his midriff. The accompanying cream-coloured frills provided a striking contrast to his perpetual scowl. Tanaka, the name tag read. “I, um-“ “Oh, hello Kei.” Izumi greeted him, emerging from the kitchen with a rare smile. He did know when exactly she had learned his name, but somewhere between his first and his fifteenth visit, he had apparently made an impression. It was what came with being a “regular” , he supposed, which wasn’t nearly as beneficial as Kou made it out to be. Even though he enjoyed the occasional complimentary pastry. Where was he, anyway? It was a Monday like any other. “Nakano’s not working today.” she said, apparently having read his thoughts, “He’s at home studying. His exams are coming up soon.” “Oh, I see.” Kei said, “Then, well…” he glanced at the mountain of a barista that looked like he could take him out in one ill-timed blow, “I just wanted to get drinks for takeaway. One gingerbread latte, please.” he said. “600 yen.” “Actually, can you make that two?” Tanaka grunted, which Kei understood as a confirmation. “Visiting a friend?” Izumi-san asked, a knowing look in her eyes. “Just for my sister.” Kei responded. His heart was racing, which was a little odd, he thought. He was yet to consume any amount of caffeine. “I see.”

This was most likely a bad idea, Kei thought. In between spamming him with memes, links to prank compilations on youtube and various emojis, Kou had also written his address.

“What would I need that for? ”Kei had texted back. “In case you ever wanna hang out!” Kei had left him on read.

Now, standing in front of his door, he considered turning around. But he had already come all this way, to a ward on the suburbs of Tokyo. Also, the coffee was getting cold. He sighed, and pressed the doorbell. “Kei!!” Nakano’s surprised expression gave way to a joyful one when he noticed his unexpected visitor. “Come in, please!” He beckoned him inside eagerly. “Please excuse the intrusion.” Kei mumbled, taking off his shoes and stepping into Nakano’s apartment. It was tiny. There was bed and a dresser, a floor table and seating pillows. A fridge, and a single stove with a microwave took up one corner of the room. Kei spotted a door in the another one, probably leading to a bathroom. Also, it looked like a bomb had exploded in here. “Please have a seat. Sorry, it’s not very tidy.” Nakano said, That put it lightly, Kei thought, stepping over books, socks and empty bottles. Nakano brought him a glass of water, and they sat down at the table. “I heard you were studying for exams.” “Yeah, I have some tests coming up.” Kou sighed, “Tosaki-san told me to take the week off and study. When I came into work this afternoon, he yelled at me, so… I guess I’m here.” He laughed embarrassedly. “When are your exams?” Kei asked, with an impending feeling of doom, taking a sip of his water. “Thursday. Friday.” Nakano said. “This week?” “Yep.” He should have just gone home. “Do you have trouble with any of the material?” Nakano flashed him a saccharine smile. “Perhaps you could tutor me?” Kei could feel a headache coming on. “Depends on the subjects.” “Math, I can mostly do, but I am struggling with biology.” Nakano said, giving him the largest puppy eyes Kei had ever witnessed. “Alright, fine. Let’s do this.” Kei agreed with a sigh, opening a textbook. How hard could that possibly be? He aced biology every time. Surely tutoring someone else was not that vastly different.

One hour later, their styrofoam cups were empty and Kei was about to lose his sanity. “What exactly are you not getting about the polymerase chain reaction?” He snapped, twisting a pen in his hand, ink smudging all over his fingers, “It’s not that hard!”

“Yes, it is.” Nakano yelled, desperation clawing its way into his voice. “Well, what part?” “Everything.” Nakano moaned, burying his face in his hands. “Oh man, I’m sorry. Nagai. I’m a lost cause. You should just go home.” Kei felt very tempted to do just that, but he took a way at Kou’s room and the tense way he hunched his shoulders and the staple of bills on the corner of the desk, and felt like an asshole for even considering it. But wait. He still had an ace up his sleeve. He stepped out onto the balcony, and made a call.

“I came as fast as I could.” Kaito leaned against the doorframe, motorcycle helmet underneath his arm, “Lucky I live nearby.” “Thank you. I owe you one.” Kei said. Kaito waved him off. “No, believe me, you’ll call in that favor once you see what I mean.” Kei said dryly. Kaito laughed at his pained expression. “It’ll be fine.” “Kei, are you leaving?” Nakano called, emerging from the bathroom. He paused in his tracks once he saw Kaito. “Oh, hi, you are-“ “Your new biology teacher.” Kei said coldly. Kou tilted his head in confusion. “A friend of mine. Who’s good at biology. He agreed to teach you. That’s all.” Kei grumbled. Immediately, Kou’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Hey! Wow, thanks for doing this! I’m really an idiot, so sorry in advance for taking up your time. I’m Nakano, by the way. Come in!” “Kaito. Pleasure.” the blond replied, giving him a warm smile. “I’m gonna go and get some food from the conbini down the road.” Kei responded, “Have fun.” “Get me some tuna onigiri, yeah?” Kou called after him. “In your dreams.” Kaito laughed.

Three hours later, they sat at Kou’s table together, feasting on rice balls, soba noodles and lemon tea. “Kaito, you’re seriously the best.” Kou said, mid-chew. Kei turned his face away in disgust. “I feel like I really understood the stuff for the first-time!” “You’re welcome.” Kaito replied, “And by the way, Kou, don’t be so hard on yourself. You do understand more than you think. I think you just have trouble remembering the detail, but that’s okay. It’s what you study for, after all.” “You’re so nice, Kaito.” Kou fawned, “You’re much nicer than Kei.” “Hey. Remember who got him here in the first place?” Kei snapped, irritated. “I know, sorry. That was pretty great of you.” Kou said apologetically, grinning at him cheekily. Pretty great of you. Kei felt his cheeks heating up. “Bathroom.” he said, leaving as quickly as he could, and ignoring the smile on Kaito’s face.

“So, what’s the result?” Kou’s shift manager had apparently been waiting for them already when they walked into the store on Monday. “Hello, Tosaki-san, nice to see you too.” Kou said, rolling his eyes. Tosaki glared at him. “Okay, okay, fine!” Kou held up his hands in defeat. “I passed. Both exams. B in maths, C in biology.” “Just a C, after all the tutoring that Kaito gave you.” Kei comments acidly, “Were you even trying?” “Hey, I passed, okay? Wasn’t that the goal?” Kou pouted at him. Kei sighed, wishing that his puppy eyes didn’t have that much of an effect on him.

“I guess you did. Well done.”

Kou smiled at him. Kei felt his heart flutter, and looked away. “Well done, Nakano-kun.” Izumi said, who’d apparently overheard a part of their conversation, “Nagai’s drink is on me.” “Thanks.” Kei said. “Well then, get to work.” Tosaki adjusted his glasses. “Seriously, that’s all? Don’t I get a reward or something?” “Your reward is the tables you’ll be clearing.” Tosaki says haughtily, crossing his arms in front of his chest, “You’re late, so get moving.” “Yes, boss.” Kou sighs. “…Well done.” Kou turned in his tracks. “What was that?” “Move it!”

“Your regular?” Izumi asked, just as Nakano trudged off to get changed, “It’s on me.” “Is the gingerbread latte even a seasonal item anymore?” Kei said, seriously. “We make exceptions for our frequent customers.” Izumi responds, lowering her voice secretively. “Well, then I won’t say no.”

Izumi hummed and got to work preparing his drink. “Oh, in case you were worried. Nakano-kun still has all his vacation days. I guess that’s a type of reward, isn’t it?” “Hadn’t crossed my mind to be worried at all.” Kei answered, too quickly for it to be true. “I see.” Izumi said, with this knowing smile Kei hoped he interpreted too much into. “Here you go.” “Thank you.”

Kou came out from the staff room at this very second, wearing his work-shirt and apron. “Grab a seat, yeah?” he told Kei, “I’ll be with you as soon as I get a free minute.” “You don’t have to-“ His voice cut off, his brain short-circuiting in shock once he realized that Kou had kissed his cheek. “I-“ “That’s your reward.” Kou said, smiling at him, gentle and invigorating like summer rain, and for the first time in months, Kei was speechless.

#koukei #nagai kei #nakano kou #ajin #ajinss20 #ajin demi human #ajin secret santa #gingerrhd #fanfic

16 notes · View notes

ambitionsource · 4 years

Note

Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?

what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)

Is In Therapy Currently

Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism

Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!

Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help

Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)

Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before

Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has

Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all

Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy

LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red

Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better

Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself

Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.

Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily

Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe

-- Maggie & Es

#a class #answered #Anonymous #ask and you shall receive

5 notes · View notes