#i made the whole fit myself im proud of it even though it isnt the best but i tried my very best

[faeridoll]

happy spooky season 🎃

[junova]

never been in love — single dad!steve (headcannon)

pairing: single dad!steve x teacher!reader

abstract: the one where steve likes you a lot and his daughter does too. 

warnings: it gets a lil smutty towards the end (18+) not really tho, this is so much longer than i intended jfc, bucky being kind of a dick, hint of daddy kink, cheating? 

[a/n]: this was totally inspired by @marvelouspeterparker​ post. i read it and it pulled me out of my writers block so thank u ! also this is so unnecessarily long but i have no excuse other than im a hoe for steve rogers?? 

*** gif isnt mine — i forgot creds srry :/

                             -ˋˏ ༻✿༺ ˎˊ-  

oh god this one is going to hUrt me

but can you just imagine when steve really gets to see you, not just in passing as he picks up his daughter

he nearly shits himself because how in the hell had he not noticed you before?

one any given day, he’s right on time to pick up shai

he’s always punctual

— until today

not only was he late, but he was an hour late and in his mess of mind he was fully convinced they’d never let him bring her to the school again

to make matters even worse his phone had died and his cable was nowhere to be found in his dying, old pick up truck

not to mention his sweet little angel, more than likely frightened out of her mind

— but he was so wrong

practically in a full sprint, he quickly made his way to shai’s classroom when he found her perfectly peaceful while she talked with her teacher

even though, she was facing him and could see him she paid him no mind. it didn’t faze her that her father was so late because you had stayed to keep her company

“well, it looks like he finally decided to show up.” shai spoke to you, loud enough so her father in the doorway could her. the edge in her tone pushing sassy all the way through

of course as soon as shai found her way in steve’s arms he profusely apologized and graciously thanked you for staying with her saying he would repay you for it

— and it definitely had nothing to do with how attracted steve was to you. nope. not at all

you dismissed his gesture, it was a delight to be with shai and you told him such but you had a feeling he wouldn’t let it go

— and he didn’t

the very next day, when he dropped shai off and handed you a dozen pastries he had made fresh this morning

the way you gushed over it, cheekbones high and happy over his kindness made steve’s heart swell

they were still warm and you just couldn’t believe he made these with his bare hands

it was easily the kindest gift anyone ever gave you and you told him that too before you could stop yourself

then he just started bringing you a pastry or two every other day, even if you’d refused them the next day he would bring double the amount he brought the day before

you stopped refusing him bc you already felt guilt since he wouldn’t let you pay for a single one

after two weeks, steve asked you out. you weren’t shocked he had, he had been buttering you up but no matter how charming you thought he was you couldn’t.

he was a parent of one of your students and you just couldn’t allow yourself to go there

it wasn’t necessarily against the rules, but it was frowned upon

accepting your rejection with grace and humility he grabbed shai before bidding you goodbye that day

you thought that was the end of it, until you saw him the following friday night at the bar you frequented at

— alone

you wanted to talk to him, the tequila in your system giving you an irresistible urge to but you were on a date with on of your friends’ coworkers

james buchanan barnes

he definitely was a smooth taker, those dazzling blue eyes sparkling like they knew something you didn’t

you really wanted to be interested, he was a loose shape of a man you’d dream about. maybe you could even pretend he was the one you really wanted

not when steve was sitting at the bar, alone.

but you left that thought behind and you convinced yourself you really were smitten with bucky

two weeks later, bucky and you had been on a few dates and he seemed to like you but you knew you had to end things.

whatever little fling you had going on

your heart got more of kick when steve used to bring you pastries in the morning before class than when bucky kissed you after your first date.

then he asked if you would come to his house, he was having a small get together and would love if you’d be there

— reluctantly, you went

bucky’s friends were nice, each one of them making you feel welcomed into their tight circle.

it turned into a better night than you thought and bucky seemed to be super touchy, guiding you onto his lap as you sat around the fire in his patio

natasha, bucky’s long friend since high school, had you all in fits on the stories from the past

everyone was too busy reeling to recognize his presence but you had the to be blind not to

there steve stood gaping at you’d like you were a ghost, certainly surprised to see you perched on bucky’s lap

yep you wanted to just crawl under a whole a stay there forever

“Glad to see you showed up, punk.” Bucky gesturing for him to make his way over to you, even when you pulled at the sleeve of his henley to stop him.

— of course your efforts to tame bucky in did nothing

he grabbed a cold one before making his way to the two of you

and dear god was it as awkward as ever

“Honey, this is my best friend, Steve.” Honey? He had never called you anything besides your name. By the way he pulled you even closer to him made you think there was something else entirely going on.

you certainly didn’t miss the way steve’s jaw clenched or as he held his right hand picking at the piece of bark rather aggressively

“Um, we actually know each other. Shai is in my class, actually.” Feeling rather suffocated by the weight of Bucky’s arms now that the man you felt too much for was here. “Really? I had no idea.”

steve’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head, infuriated. it wasn’t just that bucky knew you were shai’s teacher but he knew just how much steve liked you.

he didn’t shut up about you since he you with his daughter — something inside him changing in an instance

it wasn’t just that he thought you were the most wonderful woman he’d me — shai also raved over you

shai’s mother leaving a gaping whole in her heart she didn’t quite understand at the age of five was filled by you

you were kind to her, your patience never wearing thin as you gave her the attention she deserved

it may be your job but you enjoyed every moment with her and steve noticed

“Oh? She’s the one you would wake up an hour early for to make the pastries?” Bucky blurted out.

he woke up an early just to make those for you?

the way steve looked at the ground, grinding his fingertip against the label of his beer made you want to cry. his neck flaring pink at the embarrassment only made you wish you were in his arm instead

— even more than you already did

“You really should have seen the smile on his face when he came back from the school gushing over how much you liked what he had made.”

Bucky tightened his arm around your waist before saying. “Or when you reject him, I still can’t decide which is better.”

“That’s enough, James.” You tone harsh, before you ripped yourself away.

you couldn’t even look at steve, you don’t think your heart could handle it so you practically sprinted to your car

you needed to get the fuck out of here

until you reached for you keys, but they weren’t in your pocket

“Looking for these?” His hands looping through your keys giving it a twirl. “Star Wars fan?” Steve gesturing to you baby yoda key chain. “Maybe just a tad.”

“Thank you, Steve.” He tried to ignore the jump you ignited in his heart whenever you said his name.

handing your keys, he turned away from you, heading back into the house until you yanked him forward

the force so strong he though he was going to body slam into you before he pushing his weight against the car.....and you

“I’m sorry about, Bucky. I never would have gone out with him if I knew you two were friends.” You admitted while Steve just stood there looking embarrassed.

god did you always have to ruin everything

“I-I just, um, have these feelings for you. These very complicated feelings that make me want to throw every morally sound thought I have to the wind.”

“Which thought did you want to get rid of right now?” Stepping outside of his comfort zone, Steve grabbed your hands and just on instinct alone you cradled his face like it was the most natural act in the world. Like you had done it a thousand times.

“I mean, for one I’m telling myself I shouldn’t be this close to you.” Steve taking you by surprise as he tilted his head to the side, kissing the palm of your hand.

did he really just-

“What else, sweet girl?”

oh, you really were a goner

“I don’t know.” You spoke softly. Admitting to not only him but yourself — you couldn’t think when he was this close to you.

“Oh, but I think you do.” Steve diving right in as he latched his plump lips to your neck. Making whispers of his name drip off your tongue.

before you register what was happening steve had you pressed up against the car, rough hands gripping your thighs as your legs clinged to his slim waist

not to mention the ratio from his broad shoulders to his hips had your pussy drowning more

making you forget why you’d ever rejected him in the first place and he had hardly even touched you yet

then his lips met yours and you knew he had ruined you for anyone else. no one would ever compare to him and not anyone from your past did.

“Holy shit.” You whispered, completely in awe of what Steve was capable of doing to you in a matter of seconds. The proud smirk he wore in great contrast to what he felt back by the fire when he saw your body entangled with Bucky.

“If I ever see you sitting on my best friend’s lap again, I will go fucking crazy. Do you understand?” Steve eyes burning with envy.

“Yes, Daddy.”

brb gonna cry that i don’t have my very own steve rogers rip 

                            -ˋˏ ༻✿༺ ˎˊ-

 tags: @tonystankschild​ @parkastoria​ @kayteewritessteve​ 

[kweebtrash]

StreamHearts Timestamp 11:59pm

Title: Fuck It, I Love You

Pairing: Camboy!JohnnyxCamgirlOC (Rem)

Word Count: 3.1k

Genre: Smut/Fluff

Features: established relationship not a perfect sex life, heavy size kink, soft-ish dom johnny, petnames, teasing, fingering, unprotected sex, creampie.

Synopsis:

Though Rem is a smart business woman she hides behind a computer screen all day designing websites for large companies. However, when her day is done she’s still behind a computer screen but now showing the world how hard she can cum. She never wanted to be a camgirl but when financial duties called she took it upon herself to make it. The spotlight (and money) got to her and she expanded to showcasing her nerdy side; livestreams, lewd cosplay photoshoots, let’s plays, subscriptions, review, vlogs, tutorials, you name it. Her streams catches the attention of a fellow cammer, Johnny, who on a whim decided to message her. Both aren’t the sexed up dolls they pretend to be in the online life and instead ease their way into a relationship with not so perfect sex, mistakes, and total confusion.

A/N: This used to be on my Kofi which im closing down and just putting everything up on here. This isnt continuing.

Masterlist     Johnny Only Masterlist

~~

“I just want to tease the fuck out of you.” The words came out as as sultry whisper poured into my ear. His tongue trailed against the cartilage, leaving the skin heated and wet similar to the junction of my thighs. Johnny had been kissing me for god knows how long. I had become so lost in him; his words, his touch, his entire being beside me. I was helpless and unable to escape the intoxication though I never wanted to. His words, however, put me in a place of submissiveness where i feared his teasing.

“P-please don’t…” I whined as I chased his lips from a kiss he denied me. “Don’t tease me. I’ve been good.”

“Have you?” His eyes were heavily lidded, pupils dilated with oxytocin and endorphins. The thrill of my eminent destruction only added to the sparks between us yet I was dreading it entirely. “I saw what you were doing in your last stream. You got a bigger dildo, didn’t you?”

My face rushed with color as i averted my gaze. “W-well...i wanted to practice.”

“Practice for who, baby?” He smirked and pushed a few sweat drenched stray hairs away from my face.

“Y-you, of course.” We hadn’t fucked on camera yet. We had come to the consensus not to until we perfected the art of intimacy between us first. Though there was a small problem, or rather a large problem. The first few times Johnny had tried to penetrate me it was futile. The thickness of his head was no match for how small my hole was. No matter how many fingers he could attempt to fit inside me (barely two) to try and stretch me out or how much lube or cum i exerted helped. And so I took it upon myself to cast aside my six and seven inch dildos to try and accommodate for the moment where we would unite.

“Still too much, huh?” He chuckled lowly. I watched as his fingertips barely brushed against my skin as he made a ticklish trail down my stomach to the thin fabric of my panties. They slipped beneath the cotton and i instinctively spread my thighs. His middle finger pushed between my lower lips and circled my entrance languidly. “Why is my perfect princess so tiny?”

“I’m sorry,” I said with a heavy pang of guilt. I had constantly felt like I had ruined moments in our beds because my body wouldnt except him even if my mind and heart were yearning to have him so deep inside me that i could feel him in my stomach.

Johnny pressed a kiss to my forehead and smiled. “Don’t be. I love how fucking tight you are for me.”

I scrunched up my nose and pushed his face away playfully. “Don’t say such things. You make it sound pervy!”

Another chuckle. “I can’t help it sometimes.” He began to move his finger through me, gathering the wetness that had accumulated and spreading it over the most sensitive areas. “You know it turns me on to see how small you are.”

I pressed my lips together in an attempt to hide a mewl. I was lost on what I had wanted to respond with as my brain frizzled. “U-uh, um...I th-think your size kink is s-showing!” My stomach clenched when he dipped his fingertip in, alarming me. He shushed me gently, cooing at me to relax as he placed kisses and nibbles along the column of my neck.

“I got you, baby girl. You know i do.” I wrapped my arms around his torso and pulled him closer together so i could bury my face in his chest. His free arm snaked around me as well, settling on my shoulders as he gauged my reactions to his minuscule thrusts. I bit down on his collarbone as I rushed to rock my hips and let him know that I was able to take more. He pushed into me deeper, curling his finger quickly in an effort to make the sound of my natural lubrication bounce off the bright pink walls of my room. “Did you get all worked up just from me kissing you?”

He was proud of himself. I could always tell in the tonality of his voice. A certain cockiness that anything he did made me wet. It stemmed from the exchange of us watching each other’s streams. I had spent hours consuming video after video of him jerking off, fucking his own ass, and doing other lewd acts that got him tips in seconds. He, on the other hand, told me that he was more captivated by the faces and sounds I made and would prefer to just watch as he fucked me. It sounded silly to say since I had thousands of viewers and I masturbated on camera but I was still a shy person who preferred to metaphorically hide their head in the sand like an ostrich. Johnny intimidated me as many a times my face would be forced towards his and i was commanded to not dare look away. His deep brown eyes would peer into my soul, eating it up like a meal and leaving me an empty husk of a woman once I orgasmed at his hands. “Shut up.” I said through gritted teeth as he halted his vibrant thrusts.

His finger left me and instead disappeared into his mouth. With a slick pop he removed all of my taste from the digit and sighed as he gave me a once over. “Take these off.” He snapped at the band of my panties that he had stripped me down to during our initial makeout session. I hooked my thumbs into the waistband and wiggled them down before flicking them off my foot. Johnny spread my thighs wide, leaving me completely exposed. I went back to hiding in the crook of his neck, hoping he wouldnt notice if i distracted him with some bites. A harsh tap to my clit told me otherwise. I yelped and laid my own defensive slap against his chest. "Jerk!"

"Dont close your legs then." Johnny said sternly. I pouted, puffing out my cheeks as i rolled away from him, my arms across my chest. His large hand grabbed onto my hip and pulled me onto my back again. He didnt particularly like when i protested or became a bit bratty. A submissive princess was where he liked me to be at all times. Though now I wasnt even able to utter a word because he hooked his leg over mine, keeping my thighs separated while one hand grabbed both my wrists and pinned them above my head. His other hand was back to grabbing my face and forcing me to look at him. He'd be damned to hell if he didnt break that habit of mine. "The fuck did i just say?"

I flexed my fingers as i tried (and failed) to release myself from his grasp. "You said…" i looked into his eyes that had honeyed in the yellow glow of my bedside lamp. That was another weakness if mine, as if Johnny as a whole wasnt enough. His eyes in particular always destroyed me. I couldnt expressing the rest of my sentence, which was supposed to be a snarky retort, because of the intense hold he had over me. I was instead stuck nibbling at his bottom lip and whimpering for him to let me go. "I could touch you." I finally said in between small licks. "Youre hard."

"And? I get off on seeing you get off. I also get off on when youre a good girl for me."

"Liar. You love it when i misbehave. You always start moving the toys faster when i do." That was what he used when he really wanted to punish me; small dildos and vibrators in various settings and speeds, making sure i writhed and arched with every thrust.

"And what toy should i used on my babygirl tonight? What would get you all pink and squirmy for me?" He smirked and sucked my lips between his, lapping at the soft skin.

"I dont want a toy. I want you." I admitted.

Johnny sighed and pulled away from me entirely. "You know we cant. We've tried and we cant. I told you im not going to hurt you."

"I know!" I clutched onto his arm. "I know. But this time will be different. Im gonna do it."

He shook his head. "If i force it too much i could tear you. Rem, i'm seriously not going to try right now."

"Please!" I begged and looked up at him with puppy eyes. "Just one try, ok? Just one? You dont know how many times I've dreamt about you fucking me senseless. I just want you inside me so badly. I cant take it anymore."

He rolled his eyes, annoyed at my persistence. "Fine. Just one try. And i mean one."

I gave him a sweet kiss and pulled him on top of me. He settled between my legs which i laid on the outside of his thighs. He stroked the smooth and sensitive skin on my inner thighs as he trailed his thumbs upwards to spread my lower lips apart. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips as he drunk in the sight at my slightly flexed gape. "Are you sure?" He asked.

I pushed my hand between us and gripped the outline of his cock firmly. "Johnny I don't want you, I need you."

He went to say something again but snapped his jaw shut. Quickly, he discarded his boxer briefs and guided his swollen cock towards my entrance. Seeing him throb was another part of my guilt. He would leak and swell as we romped around and yet could only get off by a blowjob or a handjob. Sometimes he would thrust between my thighs or against my ass but I knew it was just barely enough for him. His cum didn't belong splattered across my skin; it belonged inside me, filling me to the brim and keeping me warm. I closed my eyes and let every bit of tension leave my body. If I could just get the head in, it would be smooth sailing from there.

A small push threatened the barricade of my tightness. The tension returned but only for a moment. I kept it shoved aside and focused on taking in the tip. I could feel centimeter by centimeter, gauging how far he could go, and when I found the glans stuffed inside me both of us shuddered hard. I covered my mouth as soon as I let out a sharp gasp. The feeling of being stretched burned and tingled and yet I took in the discomfort with a sense of gratitude. This was the farthest we had gotten and even if this was all he could get inside it was better than nothing.

Johnny's hands were trembling as he bruised my hips in the pattern of his fingers. "J-jesus...babe." He sucked in a harsh breath and swallowed hard. Beads of sweat had gathered at his brow and it was almost like he was losing control already. "God you feel so damn good. How are you even taking me?"

I held one of his hands and brought it to my lips, kissing the back of it. "You said it yourself. You saw me practicing on camera but you didn't see what I did when I was alone." I parted my lips then and ushered in two of his fingers, sucking slowly. I circled my tongue around the tips and swallowed all the way down to the knuckle all while perfecting by bedroom eyed gaze at him. His hips snapped as his body trembled, making me wince around his fingers. He had managed to squeeze in more of his cock and even produced some minuscule thrusts that had him looking like he was already prepped to go over the edge.

He gripped harder at my hip to the point where it hurt but I knew it was a sign of pleasure and that's all I wanted to give him. I mewled around his fingers and nudged my legs a little higher to rest by his waist. The adjustment built up pressure in the pit of my stomach and made my overstretched walls clench harder. Johnny groaned deeply and begged me to ease my hold on him but I couldn't. Even when I got used to the new addition of girth I was still suctioned around him. My face flushed as I heard his groans turn into growls. The muscles in his strong arms bulged as his shoulders caved in and an unexpected heat tsunamied into me.

My eyes widened at the revelation that he had cum inside me-the first time I had ever felt the sensation. It was strange and yet because it was Johnny it also felt...cozy in a way. A warm perfection that symbolized him succumbing to everything I had wanted to give him. Though one thing was for sure, I was surprised at how quickly it happened. I let his hand go and instead held onto my tummy that I swore was bulging slightly. Johnny ran a hand over his face and pushed his hair back but as soon as our eyes caught each other his face burned beet red even to the tips of his ears. "Do you...um, do you always cum that fast when you're in someone?" I tried to ask as politely as possible.

He pulled out of me and ran straight to the bathroom, slamming the door harshly. I frowned, realizing that the small comment had hurt his pride but I had to be honest that I wanted more from him. I sat up slowly and felt a rush of cum flow out of me, thicker than I expected. Him pulling out so swiftly left me sore and on wobbly knees yet I walked over to the bathroom, trying to keep my thighs pressed together so I wouldn't make an even bigger mess. "Johnny?" I asked as I knocked on the door.

"Go away." I heard him mumble.

"Johnny, why'd you run? Was it because of what I said? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Go. Away."

I huffed and grabbed a hold of the door. I was prepared to force my way through but it wasn't locked at all. I stumbled as I stepped in and saw Johnny sitting on the toilet cover, head between his knees and arms dangling by his feet. "Johnny." I sunk to my knees in front of him. "Look at me, please."

"No." He replied, muffled.

"Johnny." I repeated, sternly this time. "What's wrong?"

"'M embarrassed." He mumbled.

"Embarrassed? How come?"

"I've never cum that fast before. Ever. I feel like a loser."

I pushed his head up gently and sighed. "Guaranteed I did want it to last longer but this was the first time you were able to thrust inside me. Maybe it was because of all that pent up energy from when you couldn't do it before. Orrrrr," I nudged his arm playfully. "I'm just that damn good."

"I don't need your cockiness now." He pouted cutely.

"It's ok, baby, really. We're still finding each other out. This is the first time anyone has cared about not hurting me. I'd take that over some idiot that would barge in any day. Please don't be embarrassed."

"Easy for you to say."

"You think I want to be this tight? Sure it sounds like a whole fantasy but being tiny sucks. I want to get railed until I can't walk but I cry as soon as something big comes near me."

"You didn't cry this time." He pointed out and I perked up instantly.

"Hey, you're right. I didn't. That's progress!" I smiled and gave him a small kiss in an effort to cheer him up a little. "And you know what this means, right?"

Johnny sat back against the toilet tank and let out an exasperated sigh. "What?"

"We can keep practicing." I rose to my feet and straddled his lap. "I know you like practicing."

Finally a twinge appeared at the corner of his mouth. He couldn't resist the thought of more touching, groping, kissing, and grinding. "Well...I guess you're right."

I peered down at his still mostly hard cock as curiously got the best of me. "You came but you're still hard?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes it takes awhile to go down. Sometimes I can squeeze another one out."

I lifted my hips and slowly sunk down on him, catching him by surprise. He jerked suddenly and held onto me tightly. "Re-Rem!"

"Maybe we can work on me taking all of you this time. And making sure you last longer."

"I-its your fault for fuckin' suffocating me!" He said through grit teeth. "Just like you're doing now!"

I wrapped my arms around his neck and grabbed a handful of his hair. "Don't tell me you cant take it, baby."

He licked his lips and fluttered his eyes shut. "You have no idea what you do to me Rem."

"You're wrong." I wiggled down more on his shaft, now about a quarter of the way down before the tingling started again. "I know exactly how you feel because you drive me crazy too. Especially now."

He buried his face in my neck, splattering kisses here and there. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

I giggled and squeezed him tight. "I love you, Johnny."

A silence fell over the room as that was also a first between us. I was afraid he wouldn't reciprocate the sentiment and felt my heart race. Now I was the embarrassed one yet I felt him smile against my collar bone. "Yeah?"

I nodded. "I-is that okay? To say that? I d-dont want to scare you off."

"I'm not going anywhere. Trust me. I love you too." I pursed my lips together to hide a squeal though I was too giddy to even think straight. I almost didn't notice Johnny standing up, myself now in his arms and our bodies remaining connected. "Can I show you how much I love you?"

"Please."

[aparecium-hq]

Welcome to Aparecium, Maia! You have been accepted for Rose Weasley. Competition for a character is always difficult, but we appreciated the detail and nuance you included. As we briefly discussed when you submitted the app, we’ll need a more traditionally formatted bio for her character page, but welcome aboard. Check out the new member checklist, and jump right in. 

Character Basics

Birthday (Age): December 22nd (21) Gender (Pronouns): Female (she her) Sexuality: Heterosexual Blood Status: Halfblood. Hogwarts House/School: Ravenclaw Occupation: Cursebreaker trainee Faceclaim: Erin Kellyman

Any requested changes? I picked a different face only because the ones listed weren’t calling out to me as much and I recently fell in love with both these girls!

Biography:

* WHAT ARE YOU LIKE ?

INTELLIGENT

“God. Does everyone have to point it out? Yes, I’m smart. Yes, just like my mum. Good Lord. I know already. I got the best marks in my year. I scored O’s on most of my OWLs and the one I didn’t get an O on was an E. Please, can we not mention it anymore. Mum gifted me with her incredible power of mind. Etc… Etc… It’s not that I mind having the brain power really, it’s that everyone expects me to be just like my mum, and no matter how much I love her, I’ll never actually be her. That aside, a battle of wits with me is probably a bad idea. Not many people can best me. That might sound full of myself, but I assure you, it’s completely true.”

SWEET

“Dad says it’s what he gets for naming me after a silly flower. That because of it I turned out as sweet as it’s scent. I guess someone in the family had to do it. Mum can be a little abrasive, dad a bit, well, air-headed. Hugo’s just his owe breed. I guess I just had to be the normal one? I’m the type that’ll get all dewy eyed over a lost kitten and probably end up taking it home with me. It used to really drive Mum batty. I just like to have kindness and compassion. I can’t stand to see people or animals hurting. I just want to give the world a big hug from time to time. A smile is the best thing you can give a person, in my opinion.”

FREE SPIRITED

“I like my flights of fancy, and that’s that. I don’t feel much of a need to follow society’s main stream. People can be ridiculously like lemmings at times and that just doesn’t fit me. I like to think for myself, discover my own path. It’s probably the thing that set me the most apart from the people I grew up around, especially in the last few years. I never had that driving need to fit in. If I wanted to compete, I competed. If I wanted to be a lazy bum, I lazed. It’s kind of just the way I am. I might go along with my friends or my family in their ventures but it doesn’t mean I won’t go my own way when I fell it’s might be a better option.”

ROMANTIC

“Stupid books. They gave me illusions of grandeur, I swear. I love them so very much, which is a different story but it lead me to this silly idea called romance. I read too many love stories when I was younger and now, no matter how improbable it really is I have this stupid hope in the back of my head that I’ll find some adoring White Knight that wants to sweep me off my feet. Not going to happen, I know. Ruined a good thing hoping for it, I know. You don’t have to tell me. But I just can’t help that little voice inside that wants it to be possible. My cousins and my brother all loved to take the mickey out of me about it. It gets bloody annoying sometimes. I guess I brought it on myself though. It doesn’t help when dashing, good looking young men like Scorpius Malfoy factor into the picture either. I suppose it was an inevitable failure on my part.”

SOCIABLE/FRIENDLY

“Surprisingly enough, though my dad did his best to make me a competitive twit, ha ha, I’ve turned out to be pretty darn friendly. I like to surround myself with different sorts of people. That’s probably how I got to know people like Scorpius, who dad was all set to make my arch enemy. In school I had friends from every house. We’d throw big parties in the old Shack and I’d be the life of the party. I’m not really sure where this particular skill came from. Maybe my dear Uncle George, who is amazingly cool, and my departed Uncle Fred, who I wish I could have met. The stories about them were still fresh legends of Hogwarts when I started school. Everyone liked them, so maybe that’s where it comes from.”

EMOTIONAL

“Yet another reminder of my similarities to my mum. I can get all worked up over the strangest things. I can go from scarily angry to completely teary eyed in the blink of an eye. I can hold a grudge with an outright vengeance… for about a week. (Dad says Mum used to do that to him as well.) It’s just the way I naturally express myself. I’ve sort of got my hear out on my sleeve. I wear my feelings pretty openly and I’ll let you know how you’ve made me feel.”

BOOKWORM

“I think I mentioned it earlier but I have the damnedest fascination with books. I just read like there won’t ever be another book published. It goes hand in hand with my overactive imagination. I can read a book and picture the whole thing in my head, just like a movie. I can make myself the star if I want to. It’s probably what got me into the whole ‘hopeless romantic’ mess with you-know-who. I just get so carried away with the stories that leap off the page that I can be consumed for hours and be totally happy with that.”

* SO HOW DID YOU GET TO BE HERE ?

“I come from the best parents you could ask for. Sure, my mum can be a little taxing at times, she’s Hermione after all, and my dad can be a bit of a goof. But the things you hear about in the stories are true. They’re good, loyal, amazing people who just happen to have fallen in love in the aftermath of a world on the brink of war and had two very silly children. It sounds like a fairytale doesn’t it? You ever wonder what comes after the happily ever after? Me and Hugo, that’s what.

My parents named me Rose because mom had a thing for the smell of them when she was pregnant with me. She thought it was clever I guess. They gave me my Aunt Ginny’s name for a middle name and I love it. She’s a tops lady and I’m glad to share the name with her. I can’t say my name was super creative but I don’t complain about it either. I think it’s classy and timeless which are both very positive traits.

They had me first, thank God, because as much as I love my little brother I am glad he’s my little brother. We are close, as brothers and sister are wont to be. But I am pretty close with all my family. Anyways, we grew up with means enough to have all of what we needed and a lot of what we wanted. The benefit of having famous parents I suppose. Mum and Dad indulged us quite a bit, but they never let us get spoiled to the point of being brats. We spent tons of time with the family. I have too many cousins to count and I love them all, but especially Roxanne. I think it’s because we were both so much our own people that we bonded. I was and am also very close to Albus, who was always my best friend when Roxanne was too busy being independent to play. Albus and I would play together for hours, making up stories and pretending to me our heroic parents. We look back on it now and laugh. We wonder if we’ll be in the history books someday, considering the direction the wizarding world is carrying on it now. This change to magical technology is fascinating but a bit terrfying and I often find myself wondering when it’ll blow up in our faces, figuratively or literally.

Al and I started school the same year. I think he was relieved to go together. I had no fear at all. I came prepared of course, being my mother’s child. I remember looking around the platform and marveling at the number of people that could be going off to just one school. Dad pointed out the Malfoys and Scorpius, who I was to beat at every test, or so dad admonished. Mum told him not to pit us against one another so soon. Diplomatic? Mum? Apparently so. We got on the train like everyone else and started out new life. I spent the train ride reminding Al of all the good things we’d experience at school. We were part of a legacy after all and I was very proud to carry that banner. It worked out alright, for the most part. The three of us were best of friends until I decided to date Scorpius and it all went a bit… well it’s not great.

I did well all thought school. I got Mum’s brains after all. I really did beat Scorpius in tests sometimes, just like dad wanted, but I also made a friend out of him. He’s actually very charming, thought I suppose I’m not supposed to think about im that way anymore. I’m living my own life now, bad decision and all. He certainly isnt’ not the only friend I’ve ever made, you know. I had a good sized group of close knit friends from all the houses back in school. We’d sneak out and throw little parties in the Shrieking Shack sometimes. It was the best of times. Then we grew up and moved away and soem of us stay in touch. Some of them are even in the trainee program with me, so that’s beeen nice though we’re nearly done there, as well. Hopefully we’ll all stay friendly. I need my own friends now, since both my closest mates probably hate me by now.

* WHAT WOULD WE FIND IN YOUR TRUNKRIGHT NOW ?

Honestly? Probably a mess. Whatever I didn’t need got left in it all jumbled up. Most of my clothes and such are in the wardrobe where they belong and my school things are in my night stand. the trunk is probably holding a multitude of things that are unimportant. Classic muggle cds, a few daydream charms from Uncle George’s shop, that Skiving Snackbox that Roxy gave me last year. Who really knows. It’s probably a downright motley collection. I think there’s that pretty amulet that Lorcan and Lysander gave me this Christmas past. I doubt you’d find anything interesting. All the juicy secrets are hidden away elsewhere…

* WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE THINGS ?

Hmm. There are so many. I love the smell of rain, especially when it’s been a warm day out and it’s the first rain, pumpkin pie becasue it always takes me back to the Burrow, pine trees, and warm leather, especially the particular scent of Scorp’s leather jacket I bought him for his birthday. It’s wonderful. But you are never to repeat that to anyone! I swear I’ve got an arsenal of hexes just waiting for you if you try it!

I also like to play Quidditch with my cousins, but I don’t play for the house team or anything, it’s not really my style. I also like to just have a fly on my broom. There’s something thrilling and intoxicating about the feel of being suspended high up there with the wind rushing past you. It’s incredible.

A good practical joke is always a favorite of mine. It probably comes from growing up with Roxy and Fred as older people to look up to though. They are just like their da. I love them. Truthfully I feel that way about all of my family. We’re close knit and they’re all amazing people. That also applies to the extended family like 'Uncle’ Neville, 'Auntie’ Luna, and their families as well. Luna is actually one of my favorite people in the world. I love to go visit Lys and Lor on hols and talk to her about things. She’s got the most unique points of view in the whole world and doesn’t expect me to have all the answers. Actually, one of the things I have always loved most in this world is other people. Albus, who’s as close to me as a brother and my most trusted friends. Scorpius, who is more than just a mate, even if it all went terribly and I can’t look at him without my stomach tying itself into knots becasue I’m either anxious or missing him and I don’t really know which… My Aunts and Uncles and cousins. Even my ridiculous little bother Hugo. They all made the world a brighter place just by existing for most of my life. It’s just hard to carry the burden of everyone’s expectations…

I also love silly little things like swimming in the summer, and flirting a bit or going shopping in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley. Looking at the stars is one of life’s little pleasures, as are new, fashionable, clothes and shoes. Music is also among my favorite things. There are so many things that I enjoy I could tell you about them all day, but I think this is probably enough of my talking your ear off.

Character Questionnaire

Answer at least three of the following questions about your character. This could be in character or a third period explanation.

What does your character value in a friendship? At this point in life she values people who look at her as an individual. Not a cog in a greater machine. She’s been a Weasley, Hermione’s daughter, part of a trio… etc for all of her life and she’s been trying (in the wrong ways maybe) to buck that co-dependence. SO she wants friends who accept her as she is, who thin of her as her own person, and who don’t put pressure on her to be a part of a legacy.

How would your character describe their own work ethic? Is that an accurate measure of themself? She is a hard worker, to the point of making herself crazy at times, and she absolutely will not admit that. She’ll tell you shes capable and will do her job well, thoroughly, and on time, but she will not tell you that if you put her in a crunch she might work herself to anxiety attacks to get ti don’t on time.

How would a stranger who has just met your character describe them? Right now, probably a bit cold. A bit too sharp. If they’re perceptive perhaps they’ll say those things are an attempt to hid something else, probably hurt and fear. Not rude, exactly, but not soft.

What magical skill or talent is your character most proud of? Her curse breaking. She decided young she wanted to follow after her Uncle Bill in profession and worked very hard to earn the marks to do so. She’s been top of her trainee pool from the start and is on track to head a team when she completes training. This is, to her mind, her great achievement. It’s something she did for herself, telling her Uncle not to give her any recommendation or benefit. That’s worth gold as far as she’s concerned, because unlike going itno the family business or the ministry, she’s not relying on the name of her parents, just her own skill and work ethic.

Para Sample

Rose hadn’t had occasion to throw much of a party since her birthday the previous winter. While the annual ball for St. Mungos had been fun it was a much more prim sort of fun, full of champagne and fine dresses. Rose wanted to spice things up a bit, less mystery and more playfulness.

Back in her Hogwarts days she’d had a party in the shack every Halloween night from her fourth year on. It had been, in her not at all humble opinion, the social event of the year. Costumes required, some years masks as well, and always full of fun and whatever strange concoctions she could come up with. The Alice In Wonderland theme in her seventh year had been her triumph, filled with glowing giant mushrooms for seating and drinks that did all sorts of strange things to you. It was a bonus of having cousins who spent all summer in a joke shop.

So it shouldn’t have been of any real surprise to her cousins when they received invitations to a costumed Halloween after party with instructions to show up at the Burrow after the ball, with their dates if they wished, and enjoy a night out. Rose had already decorated the back yard, making use of the pavilion that had once been the venue of Bill and Fleur’s wedding. It was decorated now in low light, full of candles and spiderwebs and all the spooky trimmings of a Halloween party. Grandma molly had helped with the food and drink, a boon especially since rose wasn’t much good in the kitchen. Now all she had to do was put on the music and wait for the family to show up.

And they’d better be in costume or she’d have their heads.

[heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet]

When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th 

Mood/anxiety = numb. 

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick. 

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO. 

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done. 

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep. 

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator. 

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship. 

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same. 

---Emotionally it hurts the same. 

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way. 

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they  could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me  buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am. 

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. 

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate. 

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally. 

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety -  still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested. 

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way. 

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean. 

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board. 

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum. 

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far. 

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine. 

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict. 

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed. 

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings. 

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days. 

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely. 

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness". 

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room. 

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod. 

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am. 

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes. 

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok. 

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change 

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house. 

We are having a picnic social distancing style. 

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around.  But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is 

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction) 

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives. 

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball  gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant. 

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past. 

[myheroaizawashota]

[Southern wives part 2??? Heck yes!! I think Toshinori would be the CUTEST with a small little southern lover. A small little five foot southern woman who’s a spitfire like Reba McEntire who can cook like Paula Dean and who’s got sex appeal like Dolly Parton! Haha someone who just grabs Yagis heart and makes him weak in the knees! Maybe we’ll finish the trend and do a Present Mic x Souther wife reader haha @heroes-r-us ]

America, a land of grest diversities. The country always appealed to Toshinori, even from a young age. Spending his glory years between the great states of America, he often found himself compelled with the culture. It always astounded him how vastly different each state was. He’d spent time in California and in states like Michigan. From New Hampshire to Texas, the man had traveled to just about every coast of the widely known country, praised for their blend of strong traditions. Though out of every region he’s visited, even the west coast, one of his favorites was the south. It held such a deep heritage and held some of the richest subculture. From the flavor driven foods, to the charming atmosphere each of the southern states held, the man was captivated. It was no shock that when he returned to Japan, he’d bought a little piece of the states back with him. It seemed like the culture of south wasn’t the only thing the Japanese hero had fallen in love with while visiting over seas. All those years ago, he fell in love with you.

You were patient and sweet as the pies you crafted while also being headstrong and as fierce as a coyote in a chicken coop. His love for you was passionate and wild, like driving 90 down the freeway with the top of your car down and the radio blasting. If you asked the symbol of hope and peace, he’d tell just about anyone he knew from the first time he met you that you were the girl he would marry. Even after all these years, it still made you blush. It was moments sweet like those that made everything you’ve gone through worth the while. Holding such a high price on his head, the number one pro hero always kept your love hidden away from everyone. ”I would never be able to forgive myself if a villain came after you because of who I am Y/N.“

You could understand your husbands protective nature. Being seen out with him would cause a far bigger problem in your relationship than anything, so you agreed to keep your love under wraps. You were understanding when the pro left home without his wedding band daily, and when the pro acted as if he was unattached to anyone romantically. It hurt, but you understood it was all only to protect you. Though when the keepers of fate wrapped their stings around your husband, claiming the entirety of his left side and an immense amount of his power, things began to change. Soon enough being All Might became a different face from being Toshinori Yagi. Unable to maintain a steady body weight from the devisteting wound to his body, the pro hero quickly became unnoticeable to the public while his quirk was dormant in his body. This man put you in constant worry every time he left the house. Knowing that his quirk ate a massive amount of energy, weakening his body and injuring him, you couldn’t help but worry constsntly.

You never just sat by with your hands under your rear waiting to know he was okay though. Hell even if you were as quirkless as a new born baby, it didn’t stop you from helping your husband out the best you could, supporting him on all fronts. You’d make sure he didn’t over push his limits and giving him one hell of an ass chewin’ when he did. In these days, you were his rock. Some days he couldn’t believe that you still loved him as much as you did. He was proud to have you as his partner. Long after his looks had faded, the face of all might being nothing more then a costume for the crowds, you remained. Well after his strength had left him, the little embers of his quirk fueling the short burst of power he could scrape up, you still stood by his side. You never stopped caring about that foolish reckless man, he was your husband after all.

That’s why when he was late to dinner, you couldn’t help but stand an inch away from a duck fit. “It is nearly seven at night, where in the lords good name is that man? He is really tryin’ my patience tonight” you mumble, undoing the apron around your waist and draping it casually over the back of your chair. You wandered your way over towards your phone, you giving his a ring.

After the thrid or so he picked up the phone, his tone soft and hushed. “I know i know I’m late for dinner, i lost track of time with Young Midoriya. He’s making great progress, I guess I kind of lost my head about how late it was getting.”

Pinching the bridge of your nose you gave a tested sigh “you are one blessed man Toshinori Yagi, you’re lucky I love that rump of yours. Hurry up and get yourself home, dinner is done. I made your favorite.”

You could all but hear the smile in his voice when he responded back with “chicken fried steak?”

You couldnt help the grin that tugged it’s way across your lips. “With all the fixings. Biscuits and gravy with tatters on the side.”

His stomach all but growled at the thought of that, well if he had one he was sure it’d be growling at the idea. He watched as midoriya continue to swing his leg out, winds tunneling around him from the strength of his kicks. He was proud of that boy, every day he worked harder to reach his goal. He’d make a fine hero one day. “I’ll wrap things up shortly dear, I’ll be home soon, I’ve got to before midoriya notices me on the phone.” He whispered quickly hanging up.

You rolled your eye. That man was something else. As time continued to roll past, it now seven thirty, your husband still wasn’t home. You were madder than a box of frogs. Huffing up a storm, you packaged the food up, setting it into three nicely kept bento boxes. “When I get down there, that man better be prayin’ to Jesus. He’s about ready to get my damn boot up his ass...” you grumbled as you gathered the food and left your home.

It wasn’t as if Toshi was near home training either. You dragged yourself all the way down to the beach, those typically sweet lips of yours pulled into one fierce pout. Lord help this man, for he was about to be begging for forgiveness. It was late at night, no one else was around but you your husband and his predecessor. Storming the beach, you couldn’t help the heat bubbling in your stomach. Never mess with a southern woman, and never be late for a meal. “I’m so mad with you right now I could chew up a whole box o’ nails and spit out a barbed fence.”

Toshinoris shoulders hunched as he slowly ran a hand through the messy strands of blond hair that stuck out at the back of his head. “I’m in a lot of trouble aren’t I?”

“Oh you bet your bottom dollar you are.” You looked fiercesome. Hell you looked madder then a wet hen. You had a look on your face that could scare even the rowliest of bulldogs. “Your fixin’ to find your rear end on the couch tonight. You’re lucky I love you so much, or I would let you starve” you huff handing the rail thin man a box of food. “Since y’all clearly won’t be done anytime soon, please don’t rush on my account.”

Toshinori couldn’t help but feel guilty. He knew dinner was an important part of the day as a family. It was were the two of spent time together discussing your days and enjoying each other’s company. He looked at the meal in his hands, those hollowed blue eyes of his apologetic as he stared back at you. He was about to say something when the child claimed by your husband as his successor spoke out, pulling the attention toward him. “all might- hey all might!” He shouted running his way closer from the distance, panic setting into his eyes when he saw you standing there. “uH UH IM JUST KIDDING THIS ISNT ALL MIGHT” he nervously laughed looking up at his mentor with large eyes begging for forgiveness.

“Kid, relax...its okay..” your husband sighed, his frail but large palm resting on the boys shoulder.

The small boy balled his fist, tucking them to his chest as he looked between you and your husband. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but he sensed that you were someone his teacher knew. He listened and watched as you folder your arms across your chest, shifting your body weight as you glared your lover down. “You drive me up crazy some days ya know...I spend all day frettin’ over if your okay or not. If ya weren’t gonna be home for dinner you could have gave me a call. God went and gave ya ten fingers and two hands. Coulda’ used them to let me know you’d be running late.”

The boys eye went wide, his stomach dropping as shock spread across his features “all might do you know this woman?” He asked, teeth digging into his lip in anticipation. Was this all mights wife! He couldn’t believe it! An American girl, how long have they been married? Did they have kids! No he’d have known that, the world would have, but if he was married wouldn’t the world know that too? Midoriya babbled to himself, unaware his inner thoughts soon became outter thoughts. It wasn’t until his teacher slammed the side of his hand down on the top of his head that he stopped his frantic speaking. “Sorry....”

“Gez, we gotta work on that kid. That never gets any less creepy. I want you to listen closely to me Young Midoriya. What I am about to tell you can never be shared or repeated. As my successor, our lives are now connected as one. Much like the secret of our shared quirk, promise you will never speak this to anyone. It’s dire that you agree.” Now that toshinoris power was nearing its end, it was important more than ever that no body else know the knowledge that was about to be passed on to the child in front of him.

Lips pressed together, fist clenched now at his side, midoriya gave a solid nod in agreement. Toshinori could tell by the look in the boys eyes he was serious about this bond of trust, he releasing the breath he’d been unintentionally holding. Softly sliding his free hand into yours, he innertwined your finger together squeezing your hand softly. “Midoriya i would like you to meet my wife, Y/N.”

Shocked by your husbands full trust in the boy, you stood blinking for a moment. Never before had toshinori introduced you to anyone as his wife. It fluttered your chest. The small boy all but fell to the ground in shock, he bowing immediately “ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU IM SO SORRY I KEPT ALL MIGHT BUSY” He apologized, words flying past his lips at a million miles an hour.

He was a bit high strong, but he was cute. The passion in his eyes, the way he looked so determined. It reminded you a lot of your husband. You couldn’t help but give a soft laugh, shaking your head. ”Aw hell, I guess I can’t be too mad. It ain’t exactly your fault. Someone shoulda kept a check on that time, not that I’m gonna go throwin fingers at anyone.”

Toshinori couldn’t help but smile, eyes casting down at the floor as he rubbed at the back of his neck. You smiled and handed one of the remaining boxes over to Midoriya “now I ain’t to sure your gonna like it, but I figured with the way this one trains you’ve gotta be hungrier than a hippo right now. Why don’t you two take a break and we get our feed on. I hear quite a bit about you young man, but I think I’d like to know a lil more about you myself.”

The boys cheeks flushed red, as did his mentor, you giving a laugh. The three of you walked back towards a set of benches, eating as your husband explained how the two of you met, how you fell in love, and his reasons as to why you’ve been hidden from the public. The boy was inquisitive, his eyes bright as he learned more about his idol than he’d ever hoped to know. You watched as both boys scarfed their food down, toshinori giving you a soft kiss to the lips. “I won’t be out much later, I promise this time. Thank you for bringing us dinner.”

Midoriya face was red, as he pulled the brim of his shirt up past his nose. This was the cutest thing he’d ever seen. “Yeah yeah, don’t get all used to it. Next time I’m draggin’ your ass home by the ear if I gotta. Don’t y’all make me come back out here! It was nice meetin’ you Izuku. Don’t be a stranger, now that ya know the truth, feel free to drop on by and say hello! You’re always welcome at ours anytime. Maybe then I won’t have to drag dinner all the way to the beach” you laughed. “You two enjoy yourself now, ya hear? I’ll see you at home Toshi, I love you”

You made your way back to the car, humming at your lovers response, snickering to yourself. “I love you too....come on kid, let’s get back to work. We’ll go for a little while longer and then we should get you home or I’m going to get myself into trouble all over again...my couch isn’t comfortable.”

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[asianpower5]

Ok so its been 24 hours since I saw the movie and I wanted to write down my thoughts, most of it is for me so I can go back and read how I felt about it years from now, its going to be very long and wordy but im just writing as the thoughts come and now worrying about grammar or anything, that includes timeline, so my thoughts may come to me out of order . I’m going to put it all under read more so i dont spoil it for any of you lovely people

So I got to the theater like 40 minutes early because I just couldnt contain myself and I wanted to get my perfect seat. Wore my new HTTYD shirt and brought my toothless plushie from build a bear (another little girl had the same idea she was so cute)

but now onto the movie

they threw me for a loop I was totally expecting a “this is berk’” speech as the very opening, not the raid, but honestly this movie is about change so I liked the change. But I still got my fix, because as they flew back to Berk my only thought was “this is berk”, AND THEN HE SAID THE THING YES.

Loved the scene in the great forge, it just really showed how big Berk is and how many vikings there are, and seeing them all happy and enjoying a meal together just warmed my heart, plus Gobber teasing Astrid and Hiccup about marriage and Valka beating Spitelout at arm wrestling haha.

Tuffnut was comedic gold, talking about his “beard” and giving hiccup bro pep talks. And when he said the earth was round? and the stars? I almost died laughing. 

Grimmel  being a complete jerk and drugging those poor dragons with their own venom.

Fetch with Hiccup’s leg?? and him dropping it in Astrid’s lap and then being over protective of the leg when Stormfly came near it? Then Hiccup tickling Astrid, what did we do to deserve such a cute Hiccstrid scene?

Toothless meeting the light fury was even better than I thought, he was such a dork and had no idea what to do, then looking to Hiccup for advice about how to flirt oh gosh silly boy.

Im calling Hiccup out on his saying Astrid isnt a romantic, I mean Hiccup is totally the hopeless romantic, but Astrid in my mind is totally a secret romantic, at least when it comes to her own relationship.

Also Toothless practicing his mating dancing by watching his shadow and studying the naddars as they danced was so adorable.

Ok ngl I actually thought Grimmel had shot Toothless in the house, and I was so happy to see that is was part of their plan and that he had back up (sorry Fishlegs I love you and you took one for the team so good on you!). Why I was surprised by this idk, I know these characters enough to know that they would pull something like that. BUT HICCUP TELLING GRIMMEL OFF AND CALLING HE OUT FOR SITTING IN STOICKS CHAIR, YES BOY. That just made the feeling of Berk being attacked and flames burning everywhere hurt so much more.

The meeting with all of Berk? Just wow, I mean first off I love that Hiccup had his whole gang up there with him, just goes to show that he really trusts them and values them as being part of the team. Astrid sticking up for my boy and Tuff just going “IM WITH HIM WHO ELSE” A plus team work, I loved the support. Not to mention the fact that Hiccup was able to convince them all to pack up what little they could carry and leave. I mean we know from the first movie that vikings are stubborn, but they are also capable of change. The fact that they left their home of 7 generations and probably left some import things they couldnt carry with them was such an amazing gesture. And Berk really is where ever the vikings are, it is not just a single island. It really hurt to see them leave the island, the place where it all started, but the fact that they all stuck together really shows how strong of a bond they have as a people. 

Light fury knocking Hiccup off Toothless, such a sassy girl I love her. I mean come on Toothless was obviously gunna save him. Also the sheeps wanting to be dragons is something I never new I needed, especially after seeing how afraid of dragons they used to be (I mean the dragons did hunt them, but im all here for them cosplaying as their favorite dragons) 

I JUST REMEMBERED I NEVER TALKED ABOUT FLASHBACKS SO LETS DO THAT NOW. First of little toddler Hiccup??? THE FRICKIN CUTEST THING EVER OK. I know there was a line in the trailer that wasnt in the movie the one where Stoick says something like “I believe its your destiny to find the hidden world so dragons and vikings no longer need to fight” but I wasnt sad that they didnt keep this line. I think it makes more sense to have what they did, Stoick talking about finding the hidden world so they could protect Berk from it. I mean this took place when they were still fighting dragons, so yea the line about destiny could mean he thinks Hiccup would destroy the hidden world, but the tone of the scene was so calm and relaxing that to me it gave off the vibe that Stock was implying that Hiccup would unite their worlds, which doenst make sense since again they were still at war with the dragons at this point. So I liked what they had in the movie, I think what they kept fit the tone and it still showed how Berk was at war with the dragons.

NEXT FLASHBACK. Little Hiccup just sneaking down the stairs and then his little face like “oh shit” when he saw his dad was up and trying to sneak back up. The way he said he wanted water, I JUST IT WAS SO CUTE, whoever voiced tiny hiccup good job because omg it was so cute. How happy he was to go over to his dad and sit on his lap.  When he asked Stoick if he would get them a new mom, my heart just broke I mean Hiccup was so young that he didn’t fully grasp the situation, and I mean before Hiccup got caught sneaking downstairs we saw Stoick crying. That was so important to me I mean Stoick the Vast, he is massive, and remember the first movie the fact about him ripping a dragons head off as a baby? Yea this character who basically screams masculinity has yet another vulnerable scene, showing yet again that crying is ok (I mean back in the first movie when he told Hiccup he wasnt his son, and when he met Valka again?? yes please keeping showing people that being masculine doenst mean you cant cry!). Stoick teaching Hiccup about love, yes dad points for you, I adore the scenes like these, that show how much Stock loves his family, he would be so proud of Hiccup and who he has become. OH YEA SIDE NOTE HOW I FORGET HICCUPS STUFFED DRAGON? THROWBACK TO THE TV SERIES THANK YOU.

New Berk, cuz thats the best I got to call it right now, love how everyone basically immediately goes to claiming their areas ahha.

Ok Snotlout my boy did you really just say “who died and made yout Chief” because too soon, I still love you

Low key thought they were gunna make Snotlout and Eret a thing, despite the weird flirting Snotlout had with Valka. I mean he was trying to be taller than Eret, and Eret was like hah no, yall id ship it ngl eret and snotlout 

Toothless meeting up with the light fury again, but this time trusting his instincts is another reminder that toothless is in fact an animal, a very intelligent animal, but an animal who has instincts and a desire to be with his own kind, I mean can you blame him? Its been at least 6 years since hes seen another dragon that was like him, maybe even longer depending on how long he was alone before he met hiccup. 

The throw back to the forbidden friendship scene? With toothless drawing in the sand, and oh God I never thought I would get so emotional about sand but dang that sand animation just was so realistic that I wanted to touch it. Hiccup being like “wow now you can draw”, Toothless growling at the light fury like he did to Hiccup back in the first for stepping on his art, come on guys Toothless worked hard on his art! The light fury flying away but toothless not being able to follow her, another throwback to when he couldnt fly with the dragons during the snoggletog special.

Hiccup making toothless a tail to fly alone, and Im glad they added the part when Astrid said they tried it before, again throwback to snoggletog, and that he didnt want the tail, and Hiccup clarifying that it was because he had no need to fly alone before. Now my only worry here is that the casual fan will just think that the exchange is a copout, I mean unless you remember the special you wouldnt know that they tired making him a tail fin and he didnt want it, so to the casual fan it might seem like they only added the comment to answer the question “If hiccup could make a tail fin why did he never do it before?”. Seeing the special where toothless destroys the tail really adds a layer of depth to the scene, because those of us who saw it remember that it was a statement that even though Hiccup had the ability to create a tail so toothless could fly alone, toothless wanted to fly with his best friend and didnt care for the tail. 

now the actual scene with toothless flying alone finding the light fury, first off it was so cute how he showed her his new tail! He was so proud of it, and no doubt proud of his best friend for making it. The scene itself though reminded me so much of the romantic flight, the way they flew together above the clouds and how it gave a sense of flight because we couldnt see the ground, ugg it was so beautiful. I was honestly blown away by the animation, the clouds and the color, they were all so beautiful. Toothless and the light fury flying together and really bonding, similar to Astrid and Hiccup on their first flight together, ugg all the throwbacks to the first movie really killed me. Also Toothless trying to copy the light fury and how she goes invisible was so cute, he was like “ah yes I got this, wait no shit again, no shit again again!” then he basically summons thors power of lighting and finds his new power, so proud of my baby. 

Now I fully believe that Toothless was going to go back to Hiccup after he spent time with the light fury in the hidden world, no way my boy would leave my other boy without a goodbye. But the other started to freak Hiccup out, I mean Hiccup knew his best friend would come back, but the others made him doubt it and seeing him freak out was heart breaking.

Astrid being like boy hop on we gonna get yo dragon, yes girl. Honestly them going into the hidden world on Stormfly? I mean need i say anything about the animation in this scene? The visuals were just breath taking, I cannot put it into words. Tootheless being the alpha is always a win, also Astrid calling him a king and Hiccup realizing that this beautiful place of dragons, is not place for humans, because Valka said it best, greedy humans ruin everything.

Hiccup and Astrid getting caught by a dragon and then going on a fun slide ride, and of course toothless comes through as the alpha to protect his humans, ALSO STORMFLY DONT THINK I FORGOT ABOUT HER, CUZ YES. I mean just like toothless Stormyfly will protect her human best friend, and I love her. 

How did I forget the next raid scene? I mean dang again the visuals and the lighting were just so spot on. Them all getting trapped? Valka being a badass and working with Cloudjumper to save them? Hiccup jumping and just escaping the clutches of Grimmels dragon? RUFFNUT

Ruffnut my girl dont think I forgot about you, I just I dont even know what to do with you. She was amazing, I mean shes just does not care, not scared that shes a prisoner, she fricking just talks about how ‘hot’ she is and just other random stuff about her life, like girl give me that confidence. But when she talked about the island i was like girl no dont do that, but her flying back and saying she doenst look back in response to being asked about being followed was pretty darn funny.

Bro the scene of the light fury and toothless getting captured? Toothless protecting her and telling the other dragons to stand down, at least until they can escape. Just heart breaking, help is so close, but I guess thats the downside of being the alpha, having that power can be used against you.

Astrid my girl, pep talking my boy Hiccup JUST LIKE THE FIRST MOVIE. And yes parallels again, just like in the first one Astrid said things to hiccup, she was very honest with him pointing out the things that had done wrong, the first pointing out how messy the situation got because of the lies, and in this movie pointing out how he constantly doubts himself, and in both Hiccup has a sassy comment regarding her pep talks, but Astrid always follows up with the good, like how he was the first viking to ride a dragon or how he was always brave, even without toothless, showing how she would always be by his side to support him and help him, especially when hes about to do something stupid. I just ugg they are couple goals, they dont even need to say I love you because they SHOW IT in their actions, in their support for eachother, their cute banters, and I am here for it. ALSO I MEAN HE KISSED HER HAIR EARLY AND THEN HER FOREHEAD THOSE ARE SO CUTE TO ME AND JUST SO NATURAL FOR THEM AHHH. Also “so what are you gunna do about it” “probably something stupid” YES YES YES I AM HERE FOR THAT SHIT

Everyone jumping off the island so they can ‘fly’ on their own, just first off so visually amazing, and second off so symbolic to me of each of them spreading their own wings and growing up into amazing people. 

Fishlegs and his baby dragon, I mean come on lets be real that shit is adorable, and baby dragon had his big dragon (does that dragon have a class name? because I dont remember it) friend and Fishlegs be like dont mess with baby dragon. 

Yooo I knew it, from the trailer I was like “Tuffnut is probs pissed that this dude cut off his hair beard” and boom it happned, but rip hair beard (until the end of the movie that is when it comes back)

Yall that unspoken scene where Hiccup and Astrid are just frickin shit up WHILE THEY JUST LOOK AT EACHOTHER, I MEAN HICCUP JUST CASUALLY THROWS SHIT TO START A FIRE AND THE ENTIRE TIME THEY ARE STARING AT EACHOTHER HAVE A CONVERSATION COMPLETELY WITH THEIR EYES LIKE THAT IS SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT AND COUPLE GOALS.

I got such satisfaction out of Toothless destroying grimmels arrow shoter thing and watching as Grimmel started to get afraid, I mean this dude was so confident in his abilites, and up until now he has had the upper hand, but then you can see the “oh shit moment” as he realizes he is starting to lose and heck yea im here for it. Speaking of oh shit moments, when hiccup was riding toothless and they wer getting attacked? and then toothless is like “I SUMMON YOU THOR AND YOUR LIGHTING” and hiccup was like WTH?!!??!?!?

Ok yall that scene when toothless got shot, and hiccup is hanging from the light fury with grimmel on his leg? I mean Grimmel really thought that he had won, he underestimated the love Hiccup has for Toothless, and the moment that Hiccup told the light fury to save Toothless and he let go? the hesitation she had trying to pick who to save? her new mate, or his best friend that she now seems to understand has a great important meaning to toothless? The image of Hiccup falling, and the camera angle? I mean seeing him fall from above, seeing it in his face that he was content, content knowing that his best friend would be alive and safe and that Grimmel would no longer be able to hurt the dragons or his people? Such a self sacrifice, a true Chief just like his father. 

Then the light fury to the rescue! Hiccup being like LOL BYE GRIMMLE YOU DEAD. Also reminded me of when he started to ride toothless back in the first movie and they fell and hiccup got back on his back and in control just in time, because dang she saved him his butt just before he hit the water. But seriously I loved this scene, she went back for hiccup, she saw the interactions Toothless had with him, how Toothless protected him and Astrid in the hidden world, how Toothless CHOSE HICCUP when he saw him in danger in the hidden world, she came to realize that this boy is important to Toothless, and she saw that Hiccup was willing to die for Toothless, and she went back and saved him, and God I got emotional.

Also Hiccup leaning on Astrid because he has lost his prostectic leg, yessss im here for it

NOW TO THE REAL TEAR JERKER I mean gosh you could just see the realization again in Hiccup that the dragons didnt belong with them on Berk, that even though they love the dragons and the dragons love them, even though they have worked together for years and they want to live together in peace they just cant do it safely.There are too many people out in the world who would attack berk, and we have seen that both in the movies and the show, and that puts both the people and the dragons at risk. 

It was safest for everyone if the dragons went to the hidden world, where no one could find them, well expect Hiccup and Astrid who have been there once. I just cant though, that scene was just so amazing and heart crushing. I mean you can see it that Toothless doesnt want to leave his best friend, and Hiccup doenst want him to leave, but he reassures him that its ok that its best for everyone and that its time to say good bye for now, not forever though. Then oh God how Astrid follows him, because she knows hes right too, she knows that they can no longer live with their dragons safely, and she takes off Stormflys saddle and says good bye to her best friend. THEN VALKA who has lived with the dragons for 20 years, she knows too and she doenst hesitate to let Cloudjumper go free, and it made so much sense to me that she was so willing to do so even after being together for 20 years, she has protected them for 20 years so there is no doubt in my mind that Valka would do this without a second though if it meant that was the best thing for her friend. THEN OMG EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWS THAT JUST HURT SO MUCH. I mean ever single Berkian seens what Hiccup did, and everyone knows they have a special bond, I mean they all have a special bond with their dragons, but Hiccup and Toothless are different, they were the only pair that we know of that needed each other to fly, I mean sure the other vikings needed their dragons to fly but their dragons didnt need them to fly, toothless relied on hiccup to control his tail and that bond is so special. Anyway, I just thought that all the others saw Hiccup doing this, and hes their Chief the man who started the whole riding dragons for them, so I have no doubt in my mind that they would follow his lead, and again to me they see Hiccup and Toothless doing this letting go, so they must think “If these two can do it so can I”. I just really think it shows how much the vikings truly care for their dragon friends, when you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be happy, even if that means you need to say goodbye. And thats what happened here the vikings loved their dragons so much that they were willing to say goodbye to their friends if it meant that they would be save, and the same goes in the other direction, the dragons are not dumb and I believe they knew that leaving is what was best too, that leaving meant that their viking friends would be safer. The love they all have for each other is so amazing. I only wish that the goodbye was long, I am so bad at goodbyes and omg I just wish they had a longer time to say goodbye, not only to their dragons but to the others as well, I mean toothless saying goodbye to Astrid and Stormfly too Hiccup? uG I SUCK AT GOOD BYWS OK I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO ALL THE DRAGONS.

But man i said to myself ‘you can do it dont cry’ didnt work, I sobbed, legit sobbed, and it wasnt my normal movie cry were its just tears, it was the kind where you can feel the pain in your chest from your heart beating to hard, from trying to hold back the chocked sobs so no one else would  get annoyed, although lets be real they are did the same thing so we all cried.  Seeing them all fly off, AND THE REVERSE HAND TOUCH I CANNOT, THAT REALLY HURT I JUST COULDNT TAKE IT THE PARALLELS REALLY KILLED ME THE ENTIR MOVIE. Then Toothlesses look back at Hiccup, and then the long shot and seeing the massive wave of dragons, and then seening toothless following from the back as he is the last to leave, the vikings looking on with sadness and fondness for their dragons, really did come for my heart.

NOW ONTO HAPPY TIMES. the Wedding, oh my god, how lucky can a girl be? I got to see the mother of all my OTPs get married, and dang they were beautiful, and they looked so happy, it just warmed my heart to know that these two dorks who truly have a special relationship finally got married. Then Gobber called them Chief and Chiefstriss and wow really hit me hard that these two were going to lead Berk together, because they are always there to support each other. THEN that kiss so cute, and how Hiccup goes to gently cup her face with his hands, just wow my otp is the best.

Then we again have love master Tuffnut who will take Snotlout as his new student, and FISHLEGS HAS A LITTLE BABY GRUNKLE STUFFED ANIMAL IN HIS BAG. aND RUFF being like “you win i love sensitive guys” Then we have Hiccup and Astrid looking out to the sea as their friends and family come together with them, and Astrid lays her head on his shoulder so great.

Now dang my boy HICCUP WITH A BEARD??? BEARDCUP IS REAL, and he is wearing his fur cap, and Astrid looking like a frickin QUEEN, and AGAIN HOW LUCKY CAN A GIRL BE I SEE A WEDDING AND I GET CHILDREN????? MY OTP HAS TWO CHILDREN???? AND THEY ARE GORGEOUS.

buT DANG when they saw Toothless through the fog and then the light fury and then the little baby heads pop up, and you can see how happy Hiccup is. But Toothless doenst immediatly recognize him, which makes sense because I mean 10 year for humans can change the looks drastically, and hiccup has a beard now so he doenst look like what toothless remembered, plus hes the alpha and must protect his family. Astrid protecting her children like a frickin badass mom, and Zephry hidding behind her mom and Nuffink going into her chest? Ug love it, they trust their mom to protec them, and I love this to because it really shows that they are children, I mean I have no doubt that Astrid and Hiccup are going to raise them to be brave, I mean its Hiccup and Astrid, but they are still children and well they have grown in a world without dragons, different than their parents, we know at that age Astrid was fearless, I mean she wanted to fight a flightmare, but now the world has changed and they arent at war and they can raise their kids as kids, and I love that they showed that fear in the children it just gave a sense of realism to me. 

Then HIccup DID THE THING with the hand and Toothless finally was like “WAIT THIS IS MY HUMAN” and his eyes went big and omg how he attacked him with kisses and licks. Then Astrids laugh to see them reunite, and them urging their kids that it was ok, and remember before when I said they would raise brave kids? Well this little cuties were afraid, but they still listened and trusted their parents, and omg Zephry was so stiff from fear and her face, and Nuffink was hiding his face, but Hiccup came and showed them how to approach Toothless, and wow here we go again with the hand touch and HIccup telling them to let him come to them, and Toothless did the thing AND OMG THEIR REACTION WAS SO CUTE. The way Zephry cocked her head and smiled, and how Nuffink dropped his hand from his face and his mouth widened in awe of his dragon. 

THEN I GET TO SEE HICCUP WITH HIS SON RIDING TOOHTLESS? AND HIS SOON IS JUST MAKING THE CUTEST LITTLE WAVING MOTIONS WITH HIS HANDS. And hiccup throwing his kid in the air as he giggles in delight, and I swear I heard him say “Dada” and it killed me. Then Astrid being Astrid flys right passed them ON STORMFLY, like thank you for not forgetting about my girl, because she loves Stormfly and Stormfly loves her and seeing Astrid ride her with her daughter just made the scene even better. They could have easily forgotten about my girl, but they didnt, they didnt do her dirty, I may not have gotten to see the moment when she and Stormfly met again, BUT I SAW THEY RIDING TOGETHER AND THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Oh yea bonus points for seeing the light fury and the babies flying with them. Then Hiccup just flys upside down dropping Nuffink on Astrids head, and ug the way he just casually clings to his mother, then I was like wow I hope Zephry gets to ride Toothless with he father, AND THEN HE PULLED UP NEXT TO THEM AND HELD OUT HIS HAND TO DO JUST THAT, dreamworks you really came through for me, thank you so much for allowing Dead and all the other hard workers of this franchise make this amazing world for us. It tore my heart apart, but I loved every second of it, and I have no regrets, it was honestly a great ending,no matter how badly it hurt and how badly I wanted them to live together forever, it was just the perfect ending with a great lesson about letting go and moving on, becoming your own person, and being happy with the memories you had, because being able to say you loved something or someone and letting them go is better than never loving them at all, thats what happend to the vikings and dragons, and thats what happened to me personally at the end of it all. I cant wait to relive the magic and watch all the movies again. 

oh how could I forget? The end credits, you thought the pain ended with the end of the movie nope the credits are going to give you every major scene from each movie, reminding us where we started and where we have come to, and that was just the cherry on top of it all. 

Also side note a girl sat behind me and she goes “is that a toothless plushie?” and yes it was so she asked to see it so i handed him to her and we started talking about the movie, she was able to see it during an early release boo i had work. Anyway she asks me how old i was when the first came out, and I said 16, she seemed shook and i asked her the same, she said she was 5, so if math does me right she would be about 14/15. I was older than she is currently is when the first movie came out, thats wild. Then i laughed off the age difference saying “you would never know ill be 25 in a week”, and her (i assume) mom said I looked young haha. But because of the age difference I gave her some good life advice, I told her not to care about what others think of you, Im almost 25 crying over a dragon movie that means the world to me as i sit with my dragon plushie, and her mom just agreed with me and told her to listen to me because I knew what I was saying haha. Shout out to this girl too because shes the one who told me that Hiccup and Astrids’s kids had cannon names, I had been avoiding everything I could about this movie so I was glad to be up to date on that.

Wow this took me like 2 hours to write i think? I mean yea it was mostly for me to read later in life so I can remember this day, all the photos i took before hand, and all the excitement I had, wow Hi future me! Sorry about all the grammar mistakes but Im just typing as the thoughts come, hope I didnt break your heart again as you read all this. Until next time

[missjackil]

My 14x17 Opinion

Game Night

This was the first new episode since “The Announcement” and I have to say I was putting off writing it. I usually post these the day after, but I procrastinated so it’s a bit late. So forgive my butt-hurt tardiness and let's have at it.

I enjoyed this episode, though it wasn't without some issues. I must say that I was pleased that it wasn't as Sam-lite as I thought it would be from the promo pics, trailer, and knowing Jared didn't work a lot that week, I will always want for more Sam in an episode, but all his parts were necessary and high quality in this one, so I'm not angry at all. 

We start the episode with Donatello making cookies, singing Raindrops are Fallin’ on my Head, which made me smile. It made me think of Butch Cassiday and The Sundance Kid and I love that movie, and if J2 ever want to play the leads in a remake, I would be willing to pay for it myself! 

Donny gets interrupted by the door, and we know this is a problem because its the first 5 minutes of SPN, let's be honest. As soon as I see the bad guy’s wedding ring, I think “Shit... here comes Nick”. I thought he was gonna kill him and I'm glad he didn't. I like Donny, he looks like my dad. 😊

Back at the Bunker, the fam is getting ready for “Winchester Game Night” and Dean is playing Mouse Trap, and having no luck getting it to work. I had that game as a kid too and was never able to get it to work either, but it was fun putting it together! I did think it was a little sad but fitting, that Dean would have played that game as a 4 yr old, but leave it to John and Mary to give Dean a game made for older kids, that never worked out the way it was supposed to and had too many small parts he could choke on. (the irony is not lost on me)

Mary and Jack are in the kitchen. I could literally almost smell the Jiffy Pop popcorn. A Saturday night staple at my house growing up (any of you out there ever taste that greasy salt left on the sides of the foil pan? Good stuff!) and Mary starts in with the questions for Jack. I got a kick out of him telling her its annoying, and her face after. It’s ok Mary, he’s fine, he’s just a teenager now. Something I guess she never got to experience from the adult side. 

Sam is out getting pizza, and all the times they’ve had pizza, I never really saw what Sam likes on his. Apparently both he and Dean like lots of pepperoni. Good choice boys! The joy is short-lived (of course) by Donatello’s call, and Dean and Mary go off to help. I loved Sam sitting there researching. I have always loved his look of interest and concentration during these times. Smart!Sam moment #1 he figures out the language is ancient Hebrew, #2 he has the moment of realization that he knows it’s from the Bible, and knows what chapter and verse. (demerits for the writers though for not knowing Peter is in the New Testament and is in Ancient Greek, not Hebrew, but kudos for Sam/Jared for at least knowing the book is located near the back of The Bible)

Mom and Dean in the car. Now we have the talk about how wrong she knows she’s been but how appreciative she is to have this time with him and Sam. Uhoh... sounds like lines typically given to a character who is soon to be killed off? Hmmm we’ll see. Soon they arrive at Donny’s to find Nick. He says he's poisoned Donny and to save him, they have to help him. He wants to talk. 

Back at the bunker, violent rage!Sam awaits!! GOD that gave me tingles in the best way! I loved Dean leading Nick down the hall in cuffs, in slow motion as if leading him to his execution, and Sam standing there with his chest puffed out like a friggin’ bulldozer, and the snarl and slam attack against the wall!! (hand me that towel, please??) Dean backs Sam off, lots of brother touching going on, but we need intel, we can't kill him yet. 

Now Sam is in self-loathing mode.... he thinks everything is his fault. So many people dying because of him. This is gonna be a big issue soon, I promise. Mom talks Sam off the self-deprecating ledge and tells him he gave Nick another chance because he’s a good man and that's why she’s so proud of him. Sam softens up into the sweetest “aww shucks ma” smile and I want to hug him💕 also, still lines are being spoken by mom that are synonymous with being killed off.

Now, I procrastinated talking about Cas and Anael because the whole thing was boring. I'm not a wife hater but at least make her necessary if you’re going to cast her. I was ok about her role as Sister Jo for Devil’s Bargain but she hasn't been necessary since. Cas wasn't even necessary in this episode. We knew he was hiding the fact that Jack killed the snake, and there are probably 1000 other ways they could have reminded us that the Samulet is still around and maybe they can use it, than for him to find a similar one in the thrift shop or whatever that place was. I dug Methuzula though, he was the oldest dude in the Bible. He wasn’t an angel, for any of you worried about him liking lasagna or why he couldn't just smite Cas... its because he's HUMAN just extremely old. 

On to more interesting things. 

Nick wants to talk to Jack. I was not pleased with Nick referring to Jack as his son. Im not 100% convinced that the writer (and all involved really) remembered that Jack isnt Nick’s son, but added that as a note of empathy Nick has for Lucifer, you’d THINK someone, particularly Jack would say “Im not your son” ?? but anyway, he gives intel to Jack and also gets his blood (dun dun dunnnn) 

Sam is again a smarty pants and knows the antidote for Thalium is Prussian Blue (makes note) and figures he can hack the live feed (brains are so sexy) I also love that Sam’s word is the go word. So many more decisions are made because Sam thinks its the best option than he's ever given for in the fandom. So Sam and Dean take Nick with them to find Donny. 

I really love the broments in this part. Dean tells Nick if he tries anything funny, Sam will shoot him. “And if anything happens to me....” “Sam will shoot me”  “To start!” says Sam... because if he hurts Dean, Sam isnt letting him off that easy. But in true SPN form, as soon as Sam and Dean are separated, shit goes south.

Mom calls Sam and lets him know Donny was shot up with Angel grace, as Jack figured out, Nick was playing them. Now the fight between Sam and Nick ensues! Nick tells Sam why he used Donatello, which was to bring Lucifer back, “You can't, he’s dead he’s in the Empty” Sam says but this show’s self-awareness gets me sometimes lol Nick’s like “Cmon Sam you know no one stays dead anymore” and Sam starts kicking his ass. 

Now, I have already seen a million of you whine and complain that Sam didn’t kill Nick. It’s almost as though some of you have never met Sam Winchester. Of course Sam could have killed Nick, and most of us wish he did, but Sam has stopped himself from killing humans before. He stopped himself with Jake in AHBL and also with Toni in 12x01. Unfortunately it always bites him in the ass. Could it be that Sam thinks if he can kill a human with his bare hands that he’s a monster? This isn’t bad writing folks, this is Sam’s character. 

Nick takes advantage of Sam’s hesitation and starts nailing him with a rock. Spewing crap about Sam being Lucifer’s Perfect vessel and such.... this can only mean that issue will be coming up soon! Sam gets in the car and starts laying on the horn for Dean, calling out to him... Dean hears Sam is in trouble, enough playing around here time to kill some demons. 

When he gets to Sam. he sees he’s badly injured. Sam can hardly hold on to consciousness, protective!dean kicks in! Apply preasure to the blled, call 911, call mom. Now check for brain damage and play a counting game with Sam This hurt my feels so much, it made it feel so much more serious than all the other head injuries he’s sustained. Dean and his caring big brother smile and light hearted speech so Sam doesnt panic just kills me in the best way!! Sam tries to count with him a little and breaks into “You always put me first... your whole life” and manages to muster a little smile. Dean knows Sam believes he’s checking out, and you see the fear all over Dean’s face as Sam fades away. (OMG these 2!! Every freakin time!!)

Meanwhile, Mary and Jack found Nick and he has summoned Lucifer and just about to take him in again (Lucifer looked pretty cool,,, gotta say) and Jack zaps Lucifer back into the rift (no not forever guys... cmon) and starts torturing Nick. Mary kinda flips out telling Jack to stop. He’s contorting his hand, burning him from the inside out... not simply killijng him. Mary is full on worried now. Jack stops and Nick is laying on the floor. Mary is in shock and tells Jack to go help Sam, He heals him and Dean cant even hide his relief as he turns away to catch his breath. 

Now Jack returns to Mary who is more than worried about how Jack was torturing Nick. We know the Winchesters dont mind killing, but draw the line at torture. However, Mary stupidly poked the bear. She could have just kept herself and Jack calm and talked to the boys later, but she poked and poked till Jack freaked out. Though I am wondering if Jack was also hearing Lucifer when he was shouting “Leave me alone!!” But in any regard, he looked at Mary and something happened. Fade to black. 

Aside from the Cas/Anael part, I really enjoyed this episode. A few issues yes, but it hit most of the marks needed for me to enjoy an episode. Ive already rewatched it twice and will again and again. 

On a scale of Bloodlines to Lebanon, I give this a strong 7.5 without the Cas/Anael bit it would have been an easy 8.

[scribbleheaded]

So we've been thinking about gender a lot and heres the general consensus:

We overall identify as genderfluid when we are acting as a collective. This fits the shifts that come with switches and allows for all the range of gender expressions and attitudes from within the system. It's kinda like how we collectively identify as bisexual even though individual parts may identify as lesbian, gay, or ace. Bisexual just sums up our general behavior the best and until more recently it also summed up our primary hosts sexuality. But I'll get into that conflict later. None of us really like generalizing our sexuality or gender but we've found it to be the best solution for talking about these things without disclosing the DID. People close to us can know about it but the average peer or acquaintance needs a summary that excludes the DID details.

I individually identify as bigender. It's a label that has stuck out to me and it fits better than anything else. I'm a man and a woman at once. And everything in between and every combo of the two. And I'm something else entirely. But im definitely definitively both, so I like the label bigender. Plus then I'm bi²

On a similar note, I really want to use neopronouns but I dont really have accepting people in my life to try them with right now. But if anyone on here wants to send me asks or help me try out pronouns I'm really wanting to see how xe/xem and hy/hym and ve/vem feel. I also have been going by Dylan irl instead of Delaney but Dylan is also a name of a part which complicates things. I'd like a name that's just mine, but until I find one, I identify most strongly with our names Dylan and Delaney. I also like to be referred to as Syd when Syd and I are piloting together.

Syds gender hasn't really changed as they are still solidly agender. But they've been really enjoying our collective shift to exploring more masc presentation. And I feel like thought their feelings or presentation havent changed, directly labeling themselves as agender has been a positive shift forward with regards to accepting ourselves. I sense a lot of joy in exploring gender from the tweens and teens, and that has made the hard work of accepting this part of ourselves a lot more rewarding.

And then there's Dylan. Shes an interesting part. She is very connected with womanhood but only as it applies to loving women. Shes butch and shes a prince but as a woman. Her gender is complicated but very close to Dyke in nature. Dyke, it goes without saying, defines her gender as Dyke. Dylan and Dyke have been stepping up a lot in the hole Molly left last fall in maintaining our external real world life. They're a great help to me honestly but it's a shift in how we live our life which has created problems. I know Molly and Rachel don't like the idea of taking the risk of being super out and proud of being genderweird and into women, but I dont think hiding our identity really saved us any pain in the past. There is definitely conflict there though. So many conversations about sexuality and gender and safety. And monogamy. I'm so tired of the arguments about monogamy. Its exhausting to listen to.

It's hard to balence all of our wants sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I hear tumblr discourse just repeated in my brain. Someone is angry because they feel Dylan and Dyke leaning into their attraction to women and rejecting other parts attraction to men is perpetuating our collective internalized biphobia. This part argues that Dylan and Dyke are a reaction of our continued feeling from our highschool gsa that we weren't valid for loving women if we were still attracted to men, this is our internalized biphobia no doubt. From the opposite end though, I hear Dylan argue that their acceptance of their lesbianism is an expression of our system working through our trauma and internalized homophobia. It's an expression of love for our love of women despite our mothers abuse and despite all those who made us feel wrong, dirty, predatory or a freak for being attracted to women. I think they're both right. I know parts of us feel like we aren't valid in our attraction to women unless we reject our attraction to men, but I also know that Dyke and Dylan being proud lesbians really has helped us in our healing process from the bullying and abuse we endured over our attraction to women. I'm not sure what the answer is, but I hope we can hit a point when our attraction to people doesn't make us feel ashamed and like we have to choose one part of ourself over another.

That of course gets into the monogamy discourse inside but I think we need to sort through it more before sharing. In any case it was enlightening to write all of this down. And this isnt even going into the trans masculine parts feelings on gender or sexuality which is a whole can of worms that the more conventional ANPs (apparently normal parts) are still processing. Many of us dont feel like we can publically claim those parts of our identity because we are so often perceived as a woman and since so many of us are connected with womanhood. But we have strong connections with manhood too and sometimes I wish I could express pride or even just less shame around those parts and feelings. I've seen other bigender people speak on being both mlm and wlw and that's been enlightening to see and hits very close to our expirences. I'm hoping more exposure to more queer communities will help us feel more comfortable with this. Something to work on. I'm excited to explore my gender presentation and actually tell people to use they/them and Mx. this upcoming semester though. I'm excited to publically claim the more masculine parts of myself and actually lean into being genderweird.

Anyway thanks for reading this far and like if you read it all if you want. Also plz dont add to our internal discourse. The arguments inside are more than enough lol

[fariyaaah]

MY THIRD WEEK OF FIELDWORK

My third week of fieldwork started off great on Monday. I managed to do 2 write ups for both my clients as well as prepare 2 treatment sessions for both. In the morning i had my group session of balloon tennis, and i was really excited to do this as i thought i took my supervisors advice of planning my activity properly etc, and i knew i was prepared. When i went to C ward, i managed to get 4 clients to participate in it, however as we were leaving the nurses recommended that the clients remain in the ward as the porter could come around at anytime to take them to theatre. i wasnt too disheartened as i knew i could always get clients from A ward, however but in A and B wards, we could not take the clients out the ward as they had a shortage of masks and taking them out the ward without masks would violate infection control. Now i was kind of freaking out. when i went back to the dept to tell my supervisor the news, she told me to try my activity with paeds. My anxiety rocketed, because this was not what i had anticipated, neither planned for. When i got to the paeds ward, i was greeted by super energetic kids, who found it hard to speak english as well as listen to instructions. The beginning of my session didnt go so well, as i felt i couldnt communicate properly with them and control them as such, and i was feeling even more nervous because my supervisor was there making notes. Finally i went to her and told her im struggling and please just tell me what to do, to which she said i should try being firm. taking this advice, i managed to get the 4 kids in order and called a zulu speaking cotherapist to assist. Once we eased into the activity, i felt eerything got better. The kids were enjoying themselves, i managed to do on the spot handling, my supervisor gave me some good feedback and said i handled it really well except for my stressing at the beginning.Here is a link on tips on how to get children to listen-  https://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/get-kids-to-listen

Here is a link for how balloon tennis is executed : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFcBht5y0gg

I was actually really happy with myself for doing a paeds group, as it exposed me to a different way of handling and taught me to adapt on the spot. In a good mood i went to get my Burns client for an activity of ball shooting and bowling. I had to do this activity in the dept. as it was way too hot outside. I did some warm up and cool down excersizes to prevent injury as this was a phsical activity. Here is more information on the importance of these excersizes : https://www.mydr.com.au/sports-fitness/warming-up-and-cooling-down-for-exercise

I asked my client to bounce the ball in one hand and shoot with the other to imrove her muscle strength as well as facilitate both UL and LL motion. i also made her take a running stance to improve endurance and gave her a water break when needed. She struggled a bit with bowling, as it was a bit of a novel activity with her. She got the concept but her execution was a problem as she kept missing the pins. The doctor also told me that day that she was in fact not a patient at the hospital and has possible schizophrenia. After the activity, i didnt have time for proper feedback with my superisor, but she did advise me to consider using my CVA client for my case study due to my burns clients underlying psych diagnosis. Now this completely threw me off course, because i had prepared myself for this client for my case study, got all my necessary information and was confident with her. Not to say ive been neglecting my CVA, but the reason i didnt choose her was because i was not confident in treating her and felt like my activities for her arent therapeutic as she was deteriorating. I still had time to go see her as i hadnt for the whole day and needed to do a face washing activity with her. But when i got to the ward, the doctor said shes been sleeping for most of the week, her condition is getting worse, he will most likely dishcharge her, move her to the gyni ward at this facility or another. Even so, i proceeded to wake her up, talk to her and orientate her, after 15 minutes she said she wanted to sleep and according to the doctor this was because he had just given her meds that insinuate drowsiness hence i could not  complete my activity. This is another reason why im not confident with treating her as due to circumstances, i barely manage to get in any actual treatment. 

Wednesday was much worse. I came prepared with a food prep activity for my burns client, and face washing for my CVA. However my burns client was not there and  my supervisor advised me to start rescreening. i was already feeling overwhelmed because i know i struggle with assesment and the addes stress of redoing my case study was building up. One of the fourth years had me screen a burns paed, in which i was quite successful and decided to use him if i couldnt find any adults. However i did find a CVA client in A ward and she presented with : complete left hemi, decreased ROM in UL and LL, right LL was internally rotated, and increased tone of both UL and LL and poor static balance and no bed mobility, and dysarthria. i then collaberated with the physios to help her get up to pour a cup of milk. This went absolutely downhill as four OTs and one physio, could not manage to get her to sit up as she was really stiff and extremely heavy. this was already making me stressed as the physios was telling me that she isnt a candidate for OT yet and theres no way ill be able to manage her on my own. In that 30 minute session, the most we could do was get her to sit while 2 people held her back, while 2 were at her legs while she sat for 5 minutes. This is why im considering taking my paeds client instead because atleast itll be the safer more realistic option. Due to the lack of time, i didnt manage to see my supervisor fro feedback and advice. 

Reflecting on my skills as a communicator at work i would say its fair. I say fair because i did make an effort to talk to all the doctors in the wards regarding my clients and their assesment findings as well as the nurses, and to be honest i did get information from them i may have never gotten by just assesing. i do also go to the facility’s OTs and ask for help with the clients that they refer, and they help with regards to what to aim for etc. Another communication skill that i was quite proud of was that for my first CVA client, because she cant speak english, and presents with confusion, i took the initiative to phone her old age home to ask for info even though i was denied. however some of my skills can improve, for instance with my latest CVA, she kept telling me in zulu she was in pain but i couldnt understand her, lucky one of my colleagues was zulu speaking and told me. i do think i should improve on my zulu communication skills, as this will be at the best interests of me and my clients and could make treatment easier. i also do effectively communicate with my supervisor whenever i need help, or even when im feeling overwhelmed and she does offer support. 

Clink on the link to learn about effective communication for success in thr workplace: 

https://www.thebalancecareers.com/communication-skills-list-2063779

Until next week

[jess-oh]

reflection

hey journal,

im not fine. but im trying to be. or at least trying to pretend that im fine. 

im surprisingly good at pretending im fine when im not. the reality is, i still feel so miserable. i tried to just drown my sorrows away in the form of food and YouTube videos and i am left feeling just as empty as I did on Saturday. Listening to, “I’m Fine” over and over and over has allowed me to at least try and convince myself that im fine. 

i am upset with Amanda but it’s not because of anything she did wrong so i dont want to tell her why. im trying to protect the people i care about. i know im being irrational and just overthinking all of this and i just need to solve it and get over it to preserve my image and be of the utmost help for other people.

i dont want to tell jason how im feeling bc im worried he’ll just get mad and i know ive been too reliant on him in the past and i feel bad that i wasnt able to help him in the same way. i was sad he got more letters than me in his journal? well hes also just a better person than me. a part of me feels like i deserve the same amount, if not more letters than him because i put so much more effort into movement than he did. he never came out to the bible studies or prayer meetings and missed a whole bunch of sundays and i did my best to come out to every sunday and saturday and have been active on tuesdays. i feel like i do and sacrifice so much for movement but in the end, it doesnt even matter.

i feel really broken and i dont know why.

but ultimately, i know jason did better than me. bc he actually genuinely cared. i was just trying to prove i was worth something. i didnt act out of care. i acted out of pride. and people knew. their job isnt to reach out to me and give me a pat on the back for all the things ive done. their job has been to receive and act naturally in accordance with how God wants them to live. and i havent encouraged them. ive judged them. did i even do anything worthwhile this past year besides just leeching off other people? was i just a shitty person entirely?

im fine.

even when jason did feel down in the dumps, he still did care for them. i didnt. i just pushed people away.

i tried to be transparent and open and for what?

i think it encouraged joyce to speak up a couple times maybe. and i am glad david prayed for me. but as a whole, did i really ever do anything meaningful or worthwhile? or was it just all for show to make myself feel better.

i feel like im losing amanda.

i dont want her to feel bad for me or reach out to me just because she can. i want to actually be loved and cared for and i dont believe she does feel that way towards me anymore. i feel like ive been left behind. again.

and i know this was never her intention and i do genuinely want her to be happy which is why im journaling about all this instead of telling her how i feel. because i dont want her to feel guilty for the choices she made and i do genuinely want her to be happy. i know that she has been quietly suffering for a long time now and i do really want her to get better and if she is encouraged and challenged to do that through Johnathan, then so be it. I would rather she get help, even if it isnt from me. i do really care for her and love her and i want to write her and the rest of the MAST members a letter soon but i cant think super clearly right now.

i just keep beating myself up over and over and over for the things that i couldve done better. i couldve been a better friend. i couldve been more open. more attentive. more caring. more understanding. more open-minded. but i didnt.

and i guess the only thing to do from here is move on and look forward and figure out what i can do better.

i want to know what i can do better and the areas in which i fell short but im also so scared of finding out bc i already hate myself so much anyway and being told what i failed at would only add to this already heavy burden.

im fine.

i also just feel really bad because i feel like im taking such a huge step back by pushing people away and isolating myself. i know i have grown a lot this past year and i have been able to become more trusting of those around me and it has been really nice to know that i am cared for and loved by others. and in acting like how i am now, im worried pjosh and other people wont be proud of me anymore or the ways that i have grown.

have i even really grown at all? or was i always just forcing myself to make a different choice but now im just reverting back to how i naturally handle things? i dont want to disappoint them. i dont want to seem like a failure.

and God, i want to rely on you. I really do. But I can’t. Because at the end of the day, as much as I want to believe you and trust you and your pain, I really can’t understand why you’ve let me be in and put me through so much suffering and for so long. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I can’t handle it on my own anymore. I really can’t. It’s consuming me from the inside out.

i really want to call amanda and just clear everything up with her and be honest with her but i also dont want to hurt her. i know i can be too open and share too much and i dont want people to think something is mentally wrong with me bc that just means people will always look at me differently and pity me and never actually see me as human and i dont want that. 

when i asked amanda what we should do with our small group and proposed hanging out in evanston instead, i was hesitant to ask at all because i knew what the “right” move to make was and wasnt sure if we should just opt for the easier route so more people could come.

and i was worried she would just say it’d be better for more people to come so we should just all meet in evanston instead. i was surprised when she actually mentioned how the original agreement was to meet in chinatown so thats what she wanted to do. and with that, i pushed for chinatown again and was thoroughly surprised when david actually decided to come through and travel with us. and i was really happy we all got to spend that time together. it was only once and i was so discouraged everyone bailed last minute. but the fact seoyeon and david did come was really heartwarming and encouraging to me. and it was for her too. our kids are growing up.

im also salty that a good handful of our members wished for more small group outings. which, i understand. but, i feel like theyre discrediting the fact that amanda and i really tried to plan outings but things fell apart bc of their schedules a lot of the time. whether it was bc people backed out last minute or we couldnt find a time when we were all free or people half hearted committed but flaked out when the time actually came closer and didnt took it as seriously. i get that other groups, especially p. josh’s, had more hangouts and i am genuinely happy for them. and maybe our group wanted to have more fun times like that. 

was i just too serious this past year? and i didnt have as much fun as amanda? i always perceived her non-seriousness as a bad thing bc i thought she was just using it as a front to cover how much pain she was actually in. when she cried with me and actually shared her fears and insecurities, i felt how genuine that was. her normal “fake” personality didnt seem genuine to me. but maybe i was wrong. she does seem genuinely happy now. and im happy for her too. 

i know i have a big mouth and have spoken when it wasnt my place to and i am getting better at managing it. i just didnt realize shutting my mouth would hurt me so much.

everytime jason has given me one of these “talks” on what i can work on, i end up feeling more hurt than challenged to do better. and i am actively trying to work on everything he told me to do and i know he told me out of a place of care. but now i just feel so paranoid that i am constantly being judged and messing up in ways that im not even aware of. and it sucks.

but i also dont want jason to not tell me ways i can improve bc i do genuinely want to know and how to grow and get better.

i had the opportunity to go to northwestern and hangout with familiar people again yesterday but i didnt go. because i was afraid of seeing amanda and johnathan there. and i was afraid of feeling left out.

even though i didnt know anyone on the softball team and i was the only college student there, it was so much easier for me to be happy with them. i made friends and i didnt care what i said or how i was being perceived. i just did my best to boost our team’s morale and cheer everyone on and that made me feel genuinely better. even if it was just for a few hours. i didnt care how i acted and chances are, i wouldnt interact or even see them ever again. or at least not for a while. but with the college kids, i dont understand why it’s so hard for me to be real with them. i am so much more afraid of being judged and gossiped about bc i know i have to keep working with them and i will see them again the next sunday. or the next. or the next. or the next.

i got along really with songbee the other day and being friends with her makes me feel like im betraying jason bc i know he doesnt get along with her very well.

i got along really well with jennie lee the other day. why is it so much easier for me to get along with adults? anyway,

we got along really well and i definitely want to keep in contact with her and get to know her better. we joked around a lot and it was fun!

maybe thats why i get along better with the adults. because i have such a surface level friendship with all of them. but with movement, ive been open and vulnerable and i actually have more to lose so im more afraid to be myself.

hm.

but yeah, i just hung out with jenny chang’s family after and i really valued our time together and how much they take care of me. they feel like my picture perfect family that i never had growing up. they’re what i always imagined a family should look like. but mine never fit that description.

[knight-gwaine]

i keep talkin bout you bc youre my only real way of measuring my progress. you were the best and worst. yesterday or honestly whenever, i made posts along the lines of some shit like you suck ass, which ya do, but if you got your life together we could be friends or sum. but i mean. that’s a concept. what i’m realising is that every day, i’m getting further away from you. and that is a GOD DAMN BLESSING. i say all these nice things but thats for the fake fun and great version of you that exists in my head as just a comforting thought when i feel like thinking about love. but damn, i keep forgetting until i really think about it that, i literally am so fucking happy to be away. i am so happy we never have to be friends again and talk and shit. because you /seem/ cool, especially when we barely talk but if i had to actually deal with you. id rather punch myself in the god damn face. also wow it sucks that id still be down for your dick bc you be lookin like a god damn mess like eww??? i barely /actually/ see you and then when i do i realise oh yeah this b for real aint shit. like i wonder what he is actually getting done w his life. and okay, any progress is great. like if you on your own are trying. great. thats fantastic like im proud of you. everyobe works at their own pace. but in terms of me being friends w you. nah b, you lame as fuck. i aint got time for that. i have been meeting waaayy too many incredible peoole this year and have done waaay to many incredible things to be settlin for someone like you. idk dude. i see you. i hear things about you. i see the shit you do and say and i know you cant judge someone really unless you really get to know em or whatever but sometimes peoples social media and their friends can say a looooottt about them. a lot. and i do not. ever. wanna. fuck. w. you. HEEELLL NOOO.

as much as i wish for myself to never speak of you again and all that. i dont think thats going to happen for a long time. three years is a long time. even if this one seems to have lasted forever, three years is longer. and thinking back on all of it helps me realise how much ive progressed. and how much i keep progressing every day. i literally can only remember one. one. bad day. through this whole year. only one. maybe two? i remember one bad moment? but ive only ever had one bad day.

it is such a feeling. to finally. be free. all my emotions are controlled by me. i never feel depressed and alone on a cloudy quiet sunday. i never feel dreary when its pouring rain out. i never feel affected by the mundane weather. because i have done so much and i honestly will never stop. because what is the point in not trying to have fun and live your best life every moment of your life? fr that one song by anderson paak, i aint never comin down. i spent too much time bein scared and believing i was incapable and antisocial and no one likes me or whatever. but how do people get rid of their fears? you go out and face it. i feel like i can do almost anything now, im not gonna lie. like, if i really want to. because thats genuinely all it takes. if you WANT to do something, you will find a way to do it. so you will succeed. if you WANT to, even if theres everything stopping you, you find a way around it. once you realise that, nothing fucking stops you. i say this same old stuff over and over again but it just took me so long to learn and you hear about it but you never believe it. i still am amazed every day by how my life is now.

i have met some of the most phenomenal and successful people this year. i never would’ve thought first of all that they would even like me or want to talk to me but you would be damn well surprised by people’s kindness. growing up sheltered and being called annoying, dumb, and all other things, you end up believeing no one will like you its just automatic. this year, got to become friends with my favourite people that i always wanted to hang out with. i got to befriend amazing artists and photographers that are huge in my town. everyone who meets me automatically wants to be my friend. even strangers?? random people that sit next to me in class. doing leads you to meet people. and meeting people leads you to doing. its a fantastic cycle if you think about it. life is never boring. i appreciate all the small little things in my life so much more now. everything. if you arent happy with your life, find a way to make yourself happy. you arent stuck unless you give up and stop trying to change yourself. these. are the reasons why i wouldnt want you back in my life. my life is too phenomenal now. my life is too fantastic for you to be in you wouldnt fit. plus, i think im way too positive for you now. and i unapologetically love myself and every aspect of who i am now and i am constantly working on bettering me that i feel like itd just be too much? id be obnoxious to you i feel like?? and youd be boring. you would be boring. i like your interests. i love hearing what you have to say about music and movies and weird random facts but. i also dont trust you to be a good person. after all that you did too, nah. i dont need that negativity. it would be outrageous for me to believe we are connected in anyway. i hope. i mean this in all honesty with my whole being. i hope youre happy w your girl or whateva bc i want you outta mine. she better be takin fuckin care of your dumbass though i stg. i dont care when my boys get w other girls as long as i know their taken care of. vasya when he got w chelsea? immediately got over my crush for him and was happy af bc she was better than me. max, if he gets w anyone aside from cheyenne i will beat his ass. that b better fuckin be pushing you to strive for the best. she better be pushin you to realise your worth and what youre capable of and pushin you to try new things because LIFE IS TOO FUN TO NOT GO OUT AND HAVE FUN. COOK SHIT TOGETHER. GO HIKE. GO DANCE. DO SHIT. GROW UP. THINK SMART.

i fr dont know what the point of this post is im really out here just writin whatever comes to mind. bc one day i’m gonna go back through all my personal posts and ill remember how my life was rn and ill be like damn. that shit was sick as fuck. life was lit as fuck. tbh i think i was just really shook by that photo of you. ive been writing gay shit bout you for a while and then i saw that and i was like OH FUCK ABORT MISSION THAT B UGLY AS HELL AND HAS NO LIFE BACK OUT BACK OUT and now im here. straight shook. yeah. i dont want you in my life. my life is way better without you. i really am an unstoppable force right now. school is a motherfuckin one. friends are fucking precious and successful amazing wholesome human beings that are also out here doin the motherfuckin most im so proud i love all my friends we are all such successful people with amazing futures ahead of us god im so proud im 😭😭😭 we really out here chasin our dreams n shit. aND SUCCEEDIN. and money situation is L I T. ya baby’s got a fine ass mercedes w the best dad in the world getting me AUTOSTART for this cold winter???? ya baby be workin out and doin yoga everyday, abs comin in HOT. ya gurl developin as an artist with her dream school hittin her the FUCK up for her portfolio?? i am a for real artist now but i refuse to realise my big stuff. only sketches for now, dear world. the public eye doesnt need to see me as an artist yet. no. because they always will bc its always me. but no. i gotta act chill. this isnt the artist years of your life yet. you aint settled down yet no. now is time for fun, life, school, that grind 😤😤, and ecology. BE THAT SICK ASS SCIENTIST BITCH. BE SMART AS FUCK AND SAVE THE EARTH.

2017 got three more months left. i already know that im gonna have the funnest fucking time. fam is leavin for xmas and my sister’s moving out?? ff got house parties like wild?? EVERY MONTH??? northern lights are comin out??? you dont have to wake up early for school so you can go chase them??? A N D YOU HAVE A BUNCHA FRIENDS NOW TO GO WITH??? AND WINTER IS COMING SO THERES GONNA BE MORE EVENTS INSIDE TO GO TO??? AND MEET PEOPLE?? AND YA GETTIN MORE HIGHER PAYING JOBS WITH HELLA TIPS??? YES. i said i was gonna make 2017 my bitch. boy the fuck did i and i am gonna end it with a muthafuckin bang.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i finally got an e-mail back today from jeremy about the internship and turns out, i got it! im not surprised and idk what i was expecting but i am kind of sad. and im not entirely sure why. leading up to this reveal, i was debating on just going home for the majority of the summer or even just july and august and it was weird bc i was so excited to go home for the entire thing before but now all i felt was fear. it was a fear of returning to Sa-Rang bc i knew that i would feel so ostracized again and so afraid and i didnt want to go back to that. yes, i always feel such a strong connection with God back home bc thats a part of the culture but i also always felt so out of place. especially as an out of stater. there are so many people that i dont know and so many things theyve done that i was absent for. and our personalities just never really clicked. but then i started thinking, is it actually my fault? how is it that nothing has changed? really? is it really all on them or is it partially on me too? and i think it is. i think a big reason why i dont click with them is bc im always too afraid to be myself around them and try to just fit in instead to what everyone else is doing and saying instead of being my own person and i think it’s rubbed some people the wrong way. but i also have been unapologetically me in the past and i think my aggressive personality and boldness just turned some people off. but i do think me just constantly trying to fit in is a huge reason why i feel so awkward and find it so hard to maintain conversations with the people there. at least the problem isnt unsolvable at least.so i was right to some extent. i do need to keep working on myself and im not at a place yet where i am so firm in my identity in Christ that I can comfortably go home and just freely be me. That’s something that I need to work out. But now that I recognize it, I can continue to be aware of it and move forward from here.

I want to talk to someone but I’m not sure who to turn to. But it is pretty somber and upsetting. I would really like to go home but it does make more logical sense to stay here. To gain work experience, money, manage myself, and not have my parents worry about me. It’s great and I’m happy that I’m not being an extra burden on their shoulders on top of everything that they’re already focusing on. 

sidenote: im actually incredibly pessimistic and make things a lot worse in my head than they actually are in reality. im not optimistic at all. thats a huge fallacy. im super pessimistic. ive verbally expressed how im the only sophomore and brought a lot of attention to that and yes, david and grace have been more active recently but were pretty MIA for the majority of the year. but even though david has been more present recently, i have still continued with this statement. and i wasnt the only freshman/newcomer. There was Michael, Yen, Grace, Jason, and Johnathan. Yes, Jason and Johnathan came later but I wasn’t alone for the whole year. If anyone, it was Grace that was alone bc I never came out to Sundays. I was only there on Fridays. I’ve been so blind and bitter in my ways and have only focused on all the negative aspects and feeling bad about myself and just assuming the worst in people instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt and seeing the world from a positive outlook. Yes, this past year has sucked and a lot happened. But it is nothing in comparison to the weight and pain my dad must have felt through it all. Everything has been indirectly hitting me and I just have to accept that there’s not much I can do about it. But my family actually has a direct responsibility to do something about it and are well and able to do so. And it hasn’t hit anyone harder than my dad. Both of his parents are or have been sick for years, he lost his nephew, his car broke down, he got laid off multiple times, he took ownership of the leaky pipes. i cant even imagine how much he took on in total and somehow, he’s still standing. he’s still serving and still trying so incredibly hard. ive been so consumed and obsessed with how everything has been affecting me that i never stopped and thought about how it’s impacted him. i’ve made things seem worse than they really are. i really am so grateful for my dad and so honored to call him my father. i just wrote him a long message via kakao expressing my gratitude and i hope he responds well. it came from a very genuine place in my heart.

theres still a lot that i need to figure out in my life but im slowly getting there. 

ive been hanging out with my d&d crew a lot more recently—or at least just jordan and tykira and i feel so free when im with them and i think a big reason is bc my personality and beliefs and sense of humor arent super conservative. that isnt to say that they go against the Bible or God or anything. I would never do that. But the things I enjoy exploring are usually considered “taboo” within the church so it’s hard for me to find common ground without delving deep into certain issues. I really like Bo Burnham and Tina Fey bc they deal with real world issues in the form of comedy and I respond well to it. But not everyone does and are even turned off at the mention of these topics. Like rape, abortion, millennials, entitlement, shelter, protection, and more. 

I’ve been so quick to label and judge other people, especially people in the OC, for how sheltered and spoiled and easy their life is compared to areas outside of there but ive failed to look at myself in the mirror and realize my own sheltered and spoiled tendencies. The only reason why I have to worry about food for the next day is because I’m not good at managing my money. I’m not that much better than people. Yes, I’m doing a lot at my age but others have been doing it for much longer. I am proud of how far I’ve been able to do and accomplish and it is mind boggling to me that there are people that have not even entered this sphere yet but I’m sure that other people view me in the same way when it comes to other issues. We’re all learning and slowly figuring ourselves and the world out and it takes time and everyone gets there at different moments. It has nothing to do with age and location but everything to do with experience. Not a lot of people have witnessed so many deaths but I’m sure others have battled with depression and suicide on much deeper levels than myself. And I just need to accept people as they come at whatever life stage they’re at instead of judging them and comparing them to me. I should just let them come as they are and accept them for who they are because that’s how the Father sees us. And I want to see the world in that way too. I don’t want to be afraid to speak up just bc it’s the unpopular opinion. I want to bring light and a new perspective to issues and topics no one seems to want to address and hopefully start a conversation as a result. What Anthony said a while ago still rings in my head. If I want to avoid pity, I need to stop pitying myself and viewing what I do and who I am as something to be pitied. I am me. And I am learning and growing and moving forward. And I want God to be an integral part of my life along the way. I have definitely been drowning myself in media recently and it’s honestly made me feel pretty gross. But I don’t want to live that way anymore. I want to keep going and move forward from here on out.