#i made this post very late last night btw or tried to anyway but fell asleep before i was done. and a bit ago i remember it was in my draft

[quarks-pussy]

THIS IS THE OLD VERSION OF THIS POST AND I ASK YOU NOT TO USE IT ANYMORE!! Please use this remake instead!

Scenario: You enter a mess hall. Despite being one hall it's visibly segregated into two sections that have separate food getting areas and it seems highly discouraged to take food from one side to the other. There are a number of occupied tables on each side and you see that the food very much corresponds to the species of that side's occupants. You, a human, realise you will have to pick one of the sides and stick with it for your lunch break, both consuming their food and experiencing their company. Luckily, you're not important enough for either choice to cause any trouble so it's truly up to your own preference.

Feel free to tag or comment your reasons!

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[missbeautyandherbeast]

Only Want You

Donatello X Reader

Summary: Request: @boatloadsofheart: the reader broke up with the turtle ( I’m a sucker for Donnie) for some reason and then she realizes how much she loves him and that she doesn’t need anybody else. Well something a bit angsty with fluffy ending. (That with more angst) (Also, to outside folks, Donnie was your LDR bf)

A/N: Two posts in one day? Who’s this? Anyway, I sorta forgot that I had this in the works and well, here it is my loves. Also, the nickname dove is really growing on me and is sorta absolutely adorable. Thank you so much fo the request btw! Much love to you all. 

Warnings: ANgST, Depression 

“I can’t wait for college.” My best friend plopped down beside me on my bed. “Think of the guys! And the parties! And clubbing? Yes, ma’am.” Sarah sighed longingly.

I gave a tight smile.

“I’ve got a guy. And I like him very much thank you.” I teased back, poking her side.

“But he’s so far away. Do you think that he’d care if you let loose in college? It’s not like he’d ever find out.” Her words got mumbled, but they shocked me.

Guilt weighed on my heart for even entertaining the thought. Sure, I could keep it from Donnie, and he probably wouldn’t hold it against me... but wat that really what I wanted?

My bestie noticed my silence.

“You think too much girl,” She rolled her eyes. “College is the time for parties and sex and rock and roll.”

“And drugs and alcohol?” I was skeptical.

“Exactly.” Her grin was devilish.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes at her. Yet, the thoughts were entertaining: to be wanted by a guy in a club who would notice my tight dress and high heels; who would hold me close as the beat rocked through our bodies. Just the thought of the attention alone gave me a high, a want, a need.

“Maybe.” I murmured.

Lounging in the lab, I scrolled through my feeds. Sarah was at a club, with a guy, looking as happy as could be. I sighed and put my phone down, going to wrap my arms around Donnie’s neck.

“Hey there, dove,” He smiled, rubbing my arm. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,”

I was a bad liar and we both knew it.

“What’s the matter?” He pulled me into his lap, balancing us both on his lab chair.

“Nothing, just...friends. They went clubbing tonight. Sarah looked happy.” My tone was glum. I was glum.

“You could have gone out.” He gave a soft smile. “I’m not keeping you here.”

“It’s not the same.” I leaned my head on his shoulder, hiding from the hurt that I knew would be on his face. “You go to clubs to find someone new or show off the someone you have, and...” I sighed deeply.

“And you can’t do that.” He finished my train of thought, heartache in his voice.

“Not exactly,” I muttered.

I felt the rise and fall of his chest as he took a deep breath. He gently set me on my feet and took both on my hands in his, a soft broken smile on his face.

“Then you’re still free to go,” 

His words shattered my heart.

 Guilt overtook me.

I was a terrible person.

And yet... I had the freedom that I wanted... right?

“Don...” I tried, tears brimming in my eyes. “I didn’t... that’s not...”

“It’s okay.” I could see the moisture pool in his eyes. “Just go, have fun. I’ll be here.”

“How is this okay?” My voice broke. “How is any of this okay?” 

“I know I’m not someone you can take out to parties, and go on dates with, and take home to your parents. I know that. And now you do too. And that’s okay.”

His understanding made me want to cry more. It wasn’t fair.

Why didn’t he fight for me?

Didn’t he want me?

Didn’t he love me? 

Unless... he didn’t.

“Do you not want me?” I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold myself together and failing completely.

“I don’t want this for you.” He whispered, not meeting my eyes. “I’m not human, it was time I stopped pretending to want it.”

I froze, my mind shutting down. He didn’t have to say it. I knew it.

He didn’t want me.

He didn’t love me.

I was stupid to believe it. Why would anyone love me? Why would someone as amazing and incredible as he was... love me? Maybe he was waiting for me to realize that on my own.

And I did.

“If... that’s what you want...” My eyes met his one last time. He just nodded.

I fled from the lair, onto the streets and took a cab back to my apartment, crying the entire way. The cabbie didn’t even ask me for cash. Her look was sympathetic. That made me cry more.

Miserable, I crashed onto my bed and just sobbed, hugging a pillow close to my chest, wishing it was someone else. Someone else who wasn’t mine. Who probably never had been mine.

How could I have been so stupid?

I didn’t notice that time had passed. Or that the sun slowly began to rise, through my sheer curtains. I didn’t notice if I slept or not. Like someone has hit pause on my life, while the rest of the world continued on.

“Y/n? Y/n!? Are you in here!?”

Some part of me wanted that to be a warm familiar voice, but another part of me knew that that voice wouldn’t care where I was.

It was Sarah, who barged into my room, frantic.

“Where have you been Chica? Don’t you answer your phone!?”

Only then did she realize my fetal position, the dried tears track on my cheeks, and maybe even the lack of light in my eyes.

“He didn’t love me,”

Now that the words were said, they were finalized somehow. If my admittance of them made them true.

Her expression softened as she sat beside me, and pulled me into her arms.

“I’m so sorry sweetheart,” she whispered, pulling a blanket around me. “That’s not fair.”

I felt a few extra tears escape from my eyes, as I tried to force back all of the pain that they wanted to bring.

Sarah’s phone buzzed on my comforter, and she grabbed it, answering the call.

“Yeah, I’ve got her. She’s... at home. I’ll call you later,” She ended the call and tossed her phone back onto the bed.

“Have you eaten?” Her voice was calm and soft as she stood, tucking me under the covers, taking off my shoes first.

I shook my head.

“I’ll be back with food, then we’ll marathon some stupid movies. Okay?” 

I nodded.

“You’ll be okay sweetheart. It’ll get better.”

I closed my eyes, and sleep welcomed me. At least this time I noticed it. I was on the streets of New York. Twilight was fading and only the streetlights gave me any sort of light. My eyes scanned the rooftops, looking for a familiar shadow. And I kept looking. And looking. Until day broke. And I realized that there was nothing out there for me to look for.

I gasped and my eyes flew open, tears streaming down my face. Sarah was passed out beside me and Shane Dawson was playing on the TV. I fumbled for the remote and turned it off. Making it to the bathroom, I let the hot water of the shower scald my skin, needing to feel something.

I almost picked my phone up to text him. Then I realized that he didn’t want me to. My phone fell from my hands and onto the floor. I left it there and curled back up in bed. I watched out my window, waiting for nothing but hoping for something anyway. I stared until the sun came up.

Sarah stayed with me that first week. 

A month passed. 

Maybe two. 

Maybe more. 

I got better. 

I got better at acting normal.

I went to class, and I ate when I was supposed to, showed up for work, cleaned my apartment, slept... cried. 

I was human after all.

“Hey, we’re all going out to a club downtown, There’s no cover. Wanna come?” Sarah offered on Friday afternoon, slightly hesitant.

I smiled, something odd that didn’t quite reach my eyes.

“Yeah, I need a night out.”

“Hell yeah, you do!” She encouraged. “You’re a boss ass bitch who don’t need no man!” 

I chuckled slightly at her theatrics and we got ready for the ensuing evening.

Looking in the mirror, I was flawless. My hair was a perfect mix of careless and styled, my makeup was bold without being slutty, as was my dress. And my heels gave me enough height to tease any guy.

It was what I always wanted... wasn’t it?

Except the club was loud and overcrowded. There were too many older guys who looked at me and I could tell they wouldn’t take no for an answer. I shook my head and grabbed my stuff. This wasn’t me.

This wasn’t what I wanted.

I said goodbye to a tipsy Sarah and left the club, and welcomed the cold air of New York. I ignored all of the calls of my name. Instead, I headed in the direction of him.

It was Friday.

He didn’t patrol on Fridays.

He would be there.

I made it to the lair, heels in hand and my hair let down. 

“Look what the cat dragged in.” I heard Raph taunt. 

“Shut the fuck up Raphael.” I hissed.

He blinked at me, shocked. I dropped my heels as well as my other stuff and barged into the lab, expecting him to be there.

He wasn’t.

“Where is he?” I demanded, turning back to Raph.

“Out on patrol. Probably somewhere near your place I assume.” The red-clad turtle gave off hand.

“But it’s Friday. He never patrols on Friday.” I came up short.

Raphael rolled his eyes. “I’m sure he wasn’t far behind wherever you were.”

It still didn’t add up. Why would he be near me?

I stormed out of the lair and onto the streets. My eyes scanned the rooftops, looking, praying. Tears started to form and fall as I couldn’t find my turtle’s shadow amongst the rooftops.

“Donatello! I need to talk to you!” I yelled out hopelessly. “You owe me that much!”

There was a soft thud from behind me, and I turned, knowing who it was before I did.

“Did you finally get what you wanted then?” He asked, his voice reserved, almost monotone.

I glared at him. This wasn’t about what I wanted, it was about what he wanted, and that wasn’t me.

“How about you?” I shot back. “Did you get what you wanted? Now that you didn’t have to play human for me anymore?” I snapped; my voice venomous.

I saw hurt flash across his face, and it stopped me in my tracks. I was here for a reason. I had to let him know what I wanted; even if he didn’t want me that wouldn’t change my mind about him.

“I don’t want this,” My voice broke as I looked at him. “The stupid dress, and the stupid shoes and the late nights out and having to start all over with someone else that isn’t you.” Tears started to stream down my face. “I know I fucked this up and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never wanted this.”

He stared at me in shocked silence, not expecting my confession.

“And it’s my fault and I pushed the blame on to you, and I know why you don’t want me because I’m ungrateful and inconsiderate and cruel and just an awful person and it’s okay.” I sobbed, almost laughing. “But I can’t get you out of my head. No one ever measured up. I... I’m so sorry Donnie.”

I turned to walk away, not caring that I didn’t have my phone, or shoes or keys. I didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want me here either.

And I owed him that much.

Until he grabbed my hand and spun me around, crushing his lips to mine. I was frozen in shock as he pressed against me, cradling my head and holding my waist. My arms, on reflex, wrapped around his neck and tugged at the tails of his bandana, and I kissed him back.

No matter how much it would hurt later when I was alone again.

“You stupid, stupid beautiful girl,” He whispered, his golden eyes boring into mine. I flinched waiting for the backlash. He set me right on my feet and held both of my hands in his.

“I never imagined it would be so easy to do,” He murmured. I grimaced and bit back a sob.

This was it.

This was the end.

“I thought it would be impossible...that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie for days to even plant a seed of doubt in your head.” He rubbed circles on the backs of my hands.

What?

“I lied, and I'm so sorry...sorry because I hurt you,” His eyes were filled with tears, as one of his hands moved to cup my face, brushing away stray tears. “But how could you believe me? After the thousands of times I've told you that I love you, how could you let one moment break your faith in me?"

I stared at him, in complete and utter shock. My thoughts started to spiral out of control. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, and I didn’t. 

I didn’t believe it.

“I saw it in your eyes, you did believe that I didn’t want you. As if I could live without needing you!” His words didn’t make sense. “How could you ever believe that!?” His tone was pleading and sorrowful.

“It never made sense,” I sobbed. “For you to love someone like me.” 

“Why can you believe the lie and not the truth my dove?”

I flinched at the pet name. Donnie rubbed my cheek gently.

“It never made sense,” I repeated. “It still doesn’t.”

He tilted my chin back and making me look up at him.

“Telling you that I didn’t want you was the blackest kind of blasphemy.”

If he wasn’t holding me up, I would have fallen. He didn’t seem to mind the extra weight. He kept a steady hand at my waist, keeping me afloat.

“Why did you let me go?” I begged the question. “Why didn’t you fight for me?” I cried.

“Because I didn’t want to trap you here. And I know you, dove, you wouldn’t have left unless you believed that I didn’t want you. I had to lie.” His eyes pleaded his cause.

“I... you... you want me?” I asked hopeless. “You still want me? And love me?” My voice was on the edge of hysterics.

He gave a seldom nod and pressed a soft kiss to my forehead.

“Can you still love me? After all the hurt that I’ve put you through. Spare my feelings... can you truly forgive me? Or now that you know, do you want to move on?” His voice was guarded and hesitant.

“What kind of stupid question is that?” I choked out a laugh through tears and wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing close to him, welcoming his warmth. “The way I feel about you will never change, and there’s nothing that you can do to change that. Never again.”

Donnie grinned and pressed his lips back to mine and I didn’t care if this was all a dream and if it would hurt in the morning. Right now he was mine, and I was his and that’s all that I wanted to hold onto. And a stronger part of me knew that this wasn’t a dream and that he was mine. I held onto that part. And I held onto him.

Breaking the kiss and scooping me up, he carried me into the lair, into his room, and set me on the bed. Sifting through his drawers, he came back with an oversized t-shirt. I stripped out of my party dress and bra, not caring one bit about modesty and pulled the shirt on over my head. Then he handed me a package of make-up wipes, that were mine once upon a time, and still worked now.

“There she is,” He whispered, pulling me into his arms after my makeup was gone. “That’s my dove.”

I felt my cheeks flush as I wrapped my arms around him, letting him pull me to bed. I vaguely noticed that his room was a wreck, opposing the neatness that it normally was. I decided that that was something to worry about at a later date.

I was home.

I was where I belonged.

I was wanted.

I was loved.

[writing-for-amusement]

Commission for Confidence, 2

Summary:  Y/N has been struggling with her self esteem for years. After incessant pushing from your best friend, Y/N decides to commission an artist to draw her, expecting everything to happen via Internet. However, when your phone is stolen, you try to cancel the commission, but Peter Parker has other ideas. He quickly becomes enraptured by you, and a friendship forms easily. Will it lead to something more? Or will your past fears get in the way?

A/N: Okay, this chapter is necessary, but almost considered filler because you still haven’t met Peter yet. I’m probably going to post Chapter 3 in a couple of hours because I’m impatient and since it’s already written, why not, right? Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

Taglist: @pparkerwrites, @scatterbrainedgenius

Chapter Two

The next day ended up being much more hectic than you had anticipated. You woke up on time, but due to typical New York rain, your walk was littered with slips and multiple splashes. Not only that, your train ran late, and you were groped a surprising three times.

It was not a good day and it hadn’t even started yet.

You strode into work, dripping wet and with a mud stain on the bottom of your skirt and across your legs, but with your head held high.

You enjoyed your work as an editor for a publishing company. You’d moved from home to settle down in Manhattan for this job (though you were living in Queens); you had your own office with a view, and you were doing something you enjoyed. You got to read the fiction works and decide if it was good enough to move on and become a book (sometimes you got to help artists organize their works into a book). It was lovely for you, a wonderful job to have at what was considered a “young” age.

You dropped your bag on your desk and hurried to the break room. Arthur, a friend you had made immediately upon arrival, was refilling his coffee cup. He looked up at you and grinned, but that changed into concern when he saw your haggard appearance.

“Jesus, love, what happened? Shall I call up Charlie and have him bring you some clean clothes? They’ll be too big, of course, but—”

“It’s fine, Arthur!” you laughed, grabbing the coffee mug you had put into the break room. You poured yourself a large cup and just the smell started to warm your cold bones. “I’ll dry off soon enough.”

“This isn’t your old job, you know you can go home to change and won’t be punished, right?” Arthur asked with a chuckle on his lips.

You threw a sugar packet at him. “I know that, it’s not like I’m new here anymore! Besides, if I get sick, it’s not going to cost me a kidney and a leg because we have insurance.”

“No, it won’t do that,” he agreed as he picked up the packet.

“I’m getting to work,” you informed him, clutching the mug of coffee in your hands and scuttering to your office.

Work happened to be incredibly busy. There were more than thirty transcripts on your desk to work on, several of them rather thick. You actually ended up skipping lunch, instead snacking on an apple you had shoved in your purse before leaving your apartment. Of course, you were reminded of how you worked yourself to the bone when you first arrived at this job.

With the stressful echoes of your horrible old job ringing in your mind, you had worked harder than ever to prove yourself in NYC. Your supervisor was quick to notice how you showed up early and stayed late, reading and marking more than anyone. She pulled you aside, kindly informing you that she knew you were capable, otherwise you wouldn’t have been hired for the job. She also told you to “calm the fuck down” and that, “no one is judging you here, my dear.” It had been incredibly helpful to your adjustment.

Truth be told, you had wanted to hide from your horrible morning. When the day got off to such a rough start, you liked to hide yourself in the transcripts so that you could focus on potentially bolstering the dreams of the authors.

As it neared time to go home, your supervisor appeared at your door. “Hey, Y/N, go ahead and go home. I know you showed up soaked, you deserve an early start to the weekend. Go on, go.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll go, Edith, I’ll go,” you sighed playfully. She smiled at you and blew a small kiss before walking off.

Knowing that it would be a simple night in for you, you grabbed some transcripts to look at over the weekend. With that, and your coffee mug washed, you walked out of the office and into the Manhattan late afternoon sunlight.

It was a calmer commute back to your apartment. At least, it was until you got home.

Your phone was gone.

It must have been taken while you were on the subway, even though you tried so hard to remain vigilant. Knowing New York City, it was gone forever now, and you needed to get to work on not letting people get your information from it.

You logged on to your laptop and quickly went to your phone provider, going through the steps outlined in the “Stolen Phone” section. Losing your phone was not ideal, but you had a plan that covered this situation, so it could have been worse. And, thankfully, you had just backed your phone up to the cloud when you were at work.

After filling out the proper steps, you went to your email inbox and sent out a mass email to your colleagues, letting them know that your phone had been stolen and to email you if they needed anything over the weekend. It was then that you remembered your plan to take reference photos for Peter.

With a sigh, you realized that it would be a better idea to postpone the commission than to keep the seemingly sweet Peter waiting. You began to compose your email, once again thinking too much and taking probably too long for what should have been a simple email. Still, you ended up with this:

“Hi Peter,

I am so sorry, but today my phone was stolen thanks to the ever so amazing New York City subway. I unfortunately do not have another way to take reference photos (none of my friends are available), and I don’t want to fill a spot for your commission that won’t be able to be finished for a while, because my phone is being shipped and won’t be in for about a week. Therefore, so I don’t waste your time, I need to cancel the commission. I’m sorry if I did waste your time.

Thank you for your understanding, Peter. Perhaps I can commission you (for realsies) in the future. I still love your art, btw.

Y/N”

With a deep sigh, you ran a hand through your hair and sent Monica a message on Facebook, explaining the situation. She, of course, sent back multiple sad face emojis, but was overall understanding. Then she offered to hunt down whoever stole your phone and beat them up for making you stressed, which made you laugh.

You ordered some Thai food so that you wouldn’t have to make anything. After the day you’d had, the last thing you wanted was to get sweaty from standing over the hot stove.

As you settled into your couch to wait, with your laptop open next to you so you could message Monica, you got a notification for another email. You saw it was from Peter, and a melancholy smile touched your face.

“Hi Y/N!

Omg you live in the NYC area too??? In that case, if you’re comfortable with it, we could actually do your stuff in person! Only if you’re comfortable with it, of course, and I’d like to meet for coffee before we begin. Getting to know my muse is my favorite part of commissions; usually I just ask questions via email, but this way, we both get coffee!!

Please let me know if you’d be interested in meeting up for coffee in Manhattan this weekend; I think it would be very beneficial.

Thanks, and (hopefully) see you soon!

Peter”

You blinked in surprise after reading the email fifteen times.

Peter was certainly passionate about art and about coffee. Though you didn’t blame him, because as an artist who went through a prestigious university, Peter probably lived almost solely on the beverage for four years. You debated whether you should take him up on his offer, because, well, you did want to meet him.

You were still thinking about it when you turned on your TV and selected the HULU app. You were still thinking about it when you picked a random episode of The Golden Girls. And you were still thinking about it when you answered your door for your takeout.

Finally, as you began to dig into your food, you made your decision. With your takeout container in one hand, you replied to Peter’s email with the other. You suggested your favorite coffee shop, Constellation Bakery and Café, and suggested meeting tomorrow. The ambiance was calm and friendly, so you thought it would be a good meeting place.

After informing Monica of the change in plans, you ate your Thai takeout with a vigor you didn’t know you had. The food was exceptionally delicious today, and the cooks always gave you extra shrimp in your shrimp pad Thai. The comforting food warmed you to the core, and you felt a lot more relaxed than you had in days, even weeks.

Before you went to bed, you got a reply from Peter, agreeing to meet with you at the coffee shop at 1 p.m. With an excited smile on your face, you actually fell asleep easily.

[lunawings]

King of Prism SSS episode 8 commentary (Yu)

So, in my opinion, I think the episodes we’ve seen up until now could be more or less enjoyed to the fullest by newcomers and/or people who haven’t seen Rainbow Live. 

But from here on out, there is a notable change. And I really mean from here on out: Episodes 8 - 12 basically require having seen Pretty Rhythm Rainbow Live to be fully understood I think. 

So if you watched this episode and thought wait.... why did they just skip over Yu’s backstory like that!?!

Two words: Rainbow Live. 

Anyway let’s get started.

I’m surprised the subber knew the correct spelling to ViviC Heart Session. That takes.... research!? ....Wait, it’s in the credits. Still, that’s some non-linear translation. 

Also I kinda wonder when and where ViviC Heart Session came from in canon. Yeah it’s the Pride the Hero ending, but there is a whole story on how they made and performed Dramatic Love for the Christmas concert, but nothing on ViviC Heart Session as far as I know. 

If you’re wondering why they’re all acting so weird, there have already been not one but TWO different story arcs in the Prism Rush Main Story about Yu ambitiously deciding to write songs and biting off way more than he could chew ahah.... 

They know. 

So this kinda dates this episode? Sort of? Despite the way it seems in episode 1, clearly the Prism One doesn’t take place right after it was announced ahah. 

The way Yu says this line makes me think it’s probably been a month or so already. 

So maybe it was announced in July-August (episode 1 takes place in “summer”), and happened in September-October, something like that?

So like literally JUST as I was thinking to myself “wow the subs have really gotten better in this episode....” THIS had to happen... How dare you translate Taiga’s “IT’S A FESTIVAL” as “party time”................

Oh well. Honestly though, aside from this, this episode has the best subs so far, BY FAR. 

Been wondering for months how they would sub MUGEN HABUUUUUU because I had no idea how I would do it myself ahah.

Although they don’t state it explicitly, it’s pretty clear this episode takes place in Okinawa. Among many other things, I think it’s the only place in Japan with habu. 

I may or may not have thought way too hard for too long about how Taiga and Kakeru ended up in this boat together. 

I mean I would like to think Taiga chose Kakeru as his partner in good faith that they could work well together. 

BUT KAKERU ISN’T EVEN ROWING COME ON 

HE’S JUST ENJOYING THE VIEW

THE VIEW BEING TAIGA IF YOU DIDN’T GET MY DRIFT

I suppose it could have been random pairs, but Shin and Leo also ended up together and that seems not random ahah. Speaking of which...

When I saw this episode for the first time I saw it as a 3-pack with Leo’s episode coming right before (the theatrical Part 3). So I had just gone though Leo’s episode for the first time and all the baggage that came with it less than 10 minutes earlier. 

And needless to say I was VERY MUCH NOT OVER IT AND EXPERIENCING VERY HIGH EMOTIONS ABOUT LEO

So during this scene I was like like

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO

MY SONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

SAVE HIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It actually took me until at least my second or third viewing to catch Kakeru trying to take a selfie with Taiga in the background there and I lost my shit. 

BTW I just want to mention that ViviC Heart Session was made for this episode. Well yes I know it wasn’t literally made for this episode, but it’s always sounded tropical for me and it just could not be more perfect.

I have been wondering for months what Taiga says here and I’m still not sure. (Not that I think this subtitle is wrong, but I mean I can’t make out the Japanese he uses. I just know folks in the theater laugh about it. Or they could just be laughing at Taiga’s method of escaping from Yu.)

Me at cheering: “IT’S SHIN. PICK UP.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

I wonder if like, they all got together and tried to figure out who Yu was least likely to hang up on.

But seriously though

WHO COULD EVER HANG UP ON SHIN

YOU MONSTER 

I said once that Jin was the best voicework in SSS, but Taiga man I dunno. Taiga is up there too. This scream is just so..... BRILLIANT..........

My reaction here changes from “OMG TAIGA ARE YOU OK” to just laughing hysterically. Sometimes in the same showing. Taiga I’m sorry. 

My new desktop background.

Seriously this episode is just SO BEAUTIFUL. 

Such a simple plot, but such amazing atmosphere and visuals that really take it SO MUCH FURTHER.

If I stopped to take screenshots of everything I thought looked amazing this post would never end. So just know I’m definitely thinking it. Just goddamn. 

For a long time I wondered how and why Minato found about about this.

But then I realized it actually makes a lot of sense.

So remember in my last post when I talked about my theory that Minato and Yu probably joined Edel Rose at the same time? Well, when Yu met Leo, basically the first thing he did was brag about knowing Over the Rainbow. So he probably did the same to Minato, and/or Minato just noticed him being way too friendly with Kouji. 

Considering Minato entered Edel Rose FOR KOUJI there is no way he wouldn’t notice that and wonder about it. 

So one day he probably worked up the courage to ask Kouji about it, and.....

Oh boy. 

BTW if you’re thinking huh? Yu’s family was separated? What? 

See: The Ito/Kouji plot in Rainbow Live. (And bring tissues.)

Just the comparison of how fast he picks up here. Even though the first thing he does is complain to her it’s like.... HALF A SECOND from when he sees it’s Ito to when he answers omg..... 

So I kinda questioned this subtitle here. Because the literal Japanese is just him saying “IT’S LATE!” 

So I always thought he meant it like “Do you know what time it is!?”

But then I thought about it some more. And I remembered the Rose Party 2018 event, where the voice actors played a game where they all decided new aspects of the characters. And one of the things that were tasked with deciding (at the afternoon performance I believe) was what Yu does every night before he goes to bed. And one of the answers was “discusses life problems with Ito”. 

So, maybe Ito does call Yu every night so he had been waiting on a call from her for a while.... 

And if so, in that context this subtitle is spot on. 

You win, Crunchyroll. 

Cheering audience: “THAT WAY”

Yu was so impressive Kakeru stopped taking pictures of Taiga for a full minute. 

DID I MENTION THIS EPISODE IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL 

But so like. As soon as they started heading up the hill. Like practically from when they called his name, I was like..... Yu’s gonna cry. 

So then it was many long, long seconds of anticipation.....

until finally this.....

And I was not disappointed. 

Of all the beautiful things in this episode, I think the most beautiful thing may just be Yu’s crying animation here. He’s such a beautiful crier. 

I love this scene so much. It brings me so much joy. Because he’s not crying because he’s hurt or sad. 

He’s crying because he realized he has friends. 

HE’S CRYING BECAUSE HE HAS FRIENDS

YU

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

You know, I didn’t even realize Taiga was hiding behind Kakeru until someone in the stream pointed it out.

Am I an asshole because this is Yu’s episode but most of my favorite moments involve Taiga/Kakeru. 

HUG HIM

HUG HIMMMMMM

OH MY GAWD I have NEVER so desperately wanted to reach through the screen and hug an anime character

Also Leo always cries when anyone else is crying. 

I spent so much time looking at Kakeru and Minato that I didn’t even realize Taiga too..... They’re BOTH sleeping on top of Minato omg.....

Also I can’t help but laugh that Leo is the big spoon on Shin. But it doesn’t surprise me. If you read Prism Rush stuff, Leo aggressively cuddling Shin in his sleep is nothing new.

Damn but. Okay so like, another way in which seeing this episode right after Leo’s influenced me is, during Leo’s episode I kept thinking about what PriPara coords were closest to the outfits that the boys were wearing and how I was totally gonna record arcade videos with them. 

And then we get to this and I was like OH MAN I can’t wait until that outfit comes out so I can put it on my character.... then I was like.... WAIT.....

And I realized this is basically the only idol anime I watch currently where I can’t have the clothes and I was like......... ahhhh.... not fair..........

Seriously though it is kind of odd. For me anyhow.

But also because they don’t have to worry about an arcade game for King of Prism, they have a lot more freedom. Like in a show like this, usually all the important coords that season will all uniformly have wings or holograms or otherwise follow some kind of a theme.

But with this it’s like... WHATEVER. Give Yu a huge floaty cross?? SURE WHY NOT!!!! ahah......

PRISM LIIIIVE

Okay so I know this animation is straight from Rainbow Live. 

But this lightning guitar here, it’s a recolor of Sara’s guitar from PriChan isn’t it?

And if it is, this’s the first/only specifically PriChan (not PriPara) reference I know of in SSS.

So I guess the Prism System doesn’t score Prism Lives for boys yet, huh....?

So one Prism Live + one jump = this. 

But I suppose you could also argue that although Yu’s show was super personal and meaningful to him, he really didn’t do much for the audience did he? (The in-universe audience I mean, as it did plenty for me haha.) It was a rather street-style show in that aspect when you think about it. 

Oh well, I guess no matter what someone has to be last................................

Ah man anyway this episode.

So when I saw it for the first time, it actually didn’t leave that much of an impression on me. But that’s because it was a bit overshadowed by how EXTREMELY EMOTIONALLY DISTRAUGHT I was from Leo’s episode, and then I ended up leaving the theater thinking about the um, surprise that’s gonna happen next week in Alexander’s episode. So this episode kinda fell by the wayside. 

I was actually kinda jealous of how much you guys in the stream were freaking out about it. It really made me wish I had the chance to see it independently without the influence of Leo and Alexander. There are definitely advantages to watching these week-to-week instead of in odd bunches. 

Because the more I watched it, the more I really REALLY liked it, and now I think it’s probably my third favorite character episode after Taiga’s and Leo’s. (Or maybe even second. I keep flip-flopping.)

I was also a bit blindsided by how this episode didn’t really follow the normal formula. Since they skipped over Yu’s backstory, they had time for other things. They had time for, dare I say it... “filler”? By that I mean, time to focus on just the boys being boys. Although it’s something we get a lot of on Prism Rush, I realized it’s something we have been severely lacking in the movies and anime. Another big difference between this series and typical Pretty Series/Aikatsu-type anime (other than not being able to have the coords......) is the lack of filler, and I realized how truly valuable it can be. This episode is just such a jewel. 

So in between last week and this week I picked up a magazine (spoon 2Di vol. 50) with director commentary, and this was the last episode he commented on. 

He said this episode is about Yu going through his “rebellious phase”, which he never had the chance to have when he was younger since his family split up during such an important part of his childhood and he felt he had to be strong for his mom and all that. 

So instead he goes through it with his Edel Rose family.

GAAAAAH

Probably my favorite thing about Yu is how we’re able to see him gradually grow and change more than any other character I think. 

Who would have though that little boy we met in Hokkaido would get this far......

So next up is Alexander’s episode and um....

You may have noticed me talking significantly less about that episode that I have about others. And there’s a reason for that. And it’s not because I have nothing to say about it......

The events in Alexander’s episode basically set off a continuity train until the end of the series. IMHO it doesn’t matter what order you watch episodes 2-8 in, but from here on out it’s definitely all connected. 

So basically what I’m trying to get at is.... um.... g..... get emotionally ready for some future cliffhangers. I’m sorry. 

Also, your last chance to properly prepare by watching Rainbow Live.... you won’t be disappointed, I promise....... 

[starchild--27]

85 questions

I was tagged by @kafkascupcake .  This will be fun, so thanks ^^

rules: answer 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people

last

1. drink – water with lemon flavour

2. phone call - my hair dresser (if i ignore the fact that i accidently called my dad a few momnets ago when i wanted to look up my last phone call - ofc this had to happen xD)

3. text message - i told some kid from my spanish class tht we didn’t have spanish class last week

4. song you listened to – Californiacation by Red Hot Chili Peppers

5. time you cried - three days ago i think, but i waas at the verge of crying yesterday evening  

6. dated someone twice? – nope. i never dated anyone 

7. kissed someone and regretted it – nope

8. been cheated on – no

9. lost someone special – i’m so grateful to say that i never lost anyone in my life and i am so afraid of the day this will happen to me

10. been depressed - kind of. i have my depressed moments but everyone has at some point

11. gotten drunk and thrown up – never, i’m not drinking much 

fave colours

12. navy blue

13. black

14. metallic shades of basically every colour

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends – i’m always careful with the word friend when it comes to my real life, but let’s say i got to know some people better that have been around for a longer time but i never really interacted with. on the internet things are a little different, so i can say i’ve interacted with a lot of people here and i can’t help but treat them as friends 

16. fallen out of love – not in the last year

17. laughed until you cried - multiple times xD

18. found out someone was talking about you – i really don’t know and i hate that i can’t say this wouldn’t bother me because i really want to know what people think of me - just to be able to understand why they treat me how they do. 

19. met someone who changed you - oh, i really don’t know. i think i didn’t change that much in the last 365 days

20. found out who your friends are – it was a little more than a year ago, but yes i did.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook friends list – i don’t even have facebook

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl – since i don’t have facebook i’ll do this for instagram and there it is probably a minority since i follow countless art pages, celebrities, fanpages, animal pages, political pages, people i don’t know in real life, …

23. do you have any pets - yes - a black cat with the name Black Pearl, which we gave him before i even knew about the song by EXO ^^ his name referred to the ship from Pirates of the Carribbean first xD

24. do you want to change your name – i did in the past, because my name is very rare where i live. but i started to like it after some time. the great thing is that it’s meaning differs since no one really knows it’s true origin. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday - i invited my two best friends but one happened to be sick at that day (ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ) so we were only two but it was great anyway. since i was born the day after walpurgis night we went to the bonfire and spent some time there

26. what time did you wake up today – 7 am but i slept in again and got at 11:20 

27. what were you doing at midnight last night – reading or sleeping, i don’t know for sure

28. what is something you can’t wait for – vacation with my family and the summer holidays in general (school was … much in the last weeks.)

30. what are you listening to right now – the sound of me slamming my fingers on my laptop’s keyboard while writing this lol

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom – i did, in fact to more than one

32. something that gets on your nerves – that i have to go to school for one more year (i hate this place wholeheartedly) but i don’t know what to do with my life after graduating 

33. most visited website - tumblr and youtube

34. hair color – my natural hair colour is brown but i dye it ginger red and i love it

35. long or short hair – pretty long actually, but i have curls so it’s pretty hard to notice how long 

36. do you have a crush on someone -  if we ignore my celebrity crushes then … i don’t know…probably no. i’m not sure about this one boy though but…yeah, i don’t really know him that well and i probably only like the idea i have of how he could be. (this is btw so typical for me xD)

37. what do you like about yourself – don’t get me wrong, i know it sounds tragical and sad, but i don’t have something i like 100% about myself. i am used to it though because i’ve been this way since forever, having high standards for me (and for others probably too, which is very unfair from me) but the closest to 100% is my talent for music.     

38. want any piercings? – only at my ears

39. blood type – A positive

40. nicknames – the most common nickname for my name is Selmi but hardly anyone except for my mom and my sister calls me like that anymore. other than that i have the feeling my friends and i don’t have nicknames but more like pet names for each other. like, i was called “Flauschebausch” (in english “Fluffpuff”) not that long ago (it referred to my hair). i would also count “squirrel”, “the stars” and all that stuff as nicknames but we don’t really call each other often like that in person xD     

41. relationship status - single 

42. zodiac - Taurus (but most of the stuff people say about tauruses are not 100% true for me)

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv shows – lately i finished Game Of Thrones and i liked it so damn much, especially the ending (i really don’t get why it was so hated, but i’ll not explain further - i don’t want to write an essay here xD). i also enjoy watching Gilmore Girls from time to time, but hardly anyone in my generation knows it. and since i read it at @kafkascupcake ‘s post for this tag i just remembered how much i liked Memories of the Alhambra too (gosh, how i waited for every episode to air … i still remember this impatient feeling so well)

45. tattoos – i’m not allowed to have any yet but i’m thinking about getting smaller ones later since i think tattoos are pretty. buuuuut i’m also afraid because i can’t really imagine the pain

46. right or left handed - right

47. ever had surgery – yeah. unspectecular story tho.

48. piercings - only earrings but one of my friends and i plan on getting helix piercings soon (originally this was planned to be done before last christmas but we never found time)

49. sport – no no no no no. i hate it. i always did. i did some horse riding in my childhood but that’s it. i’m just not able to coordinate my body so a fail at basically every kind of sport. and i am easily frustrated when i fail at something so i never really tried to ace sports.  

50. vacation – my last vacation was when i visited Berlin with my two best friends and m next vacation will be in Denmark with my family

51. trainers – Converse Chucks, always and forever

more general

52. eating – i used to be a very picky eater but it gets better with every year. lately i really like spicy food. but i also have a terrible sweet tooth. i am surprised how i am still like super slim …

53. drinking – a trait i inherited from my dad: i love milk. but i also like juices, tea, coffee (with milk ofc xD) and plain water too

54. i’m about to watch – Avengers Endgame. like today. in 2 hrs.

55. waiting for – my train ride to the next bigger city for seeing endgame. and for me getting an idea what i want to do with my life

56. want – to travel and to make music. my two passions

57. get married – i don’t think it’s necessary for a happy relationship but it depends on the person. to be honest, i like the thought of getting married but i totally understand if someone doesn’t like it.

58. career – the biggest question mark in my life rn

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs. i can’t even explain why. but hugs.

60. lips or eyes - i thinj i look at the eyes first. but i am damned if a person has beautiful lips too

61. shorter or taller – taller

62. older or younger - not important

63. nice arms or stomach – yeah ofc stomachs are great. but let’s be real here: i’m a swooning bitch for nice arms.

64. hookup or relationship – relationship. i am a hopeless romantic

65. troublemaker or hesitant - i am an overthinker, which makes me the epitome of hesitant.

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger – never kissed anyone lol

67. drank hard liquor – only mixed with juice

68. lost glasses - yeah. wasn’t cool.bc without glasses i am literally blind

69. turned someone down - kind of.

70. sex on first date - no

71. broken someone’s heart – i hope not.

72. had your heart broken – yip. my first heavy crush was not that happy. but i am over it since the guy was and still is a jerk and i don’t even know why i fell for him anymore

73. been arrested - no

74. cried when someone died - yes

75. fallen for a friend – never

do you believe in

76. yourself – depends on the situation.

77. miracles - there are moments in which i do

78. love at first sight - yes

79. santa claus -  no

80. kiss on a first date – yeah.. i think itmight happen xD

81. angels - who knows? it would be great though.

other

82. best friend’s name - deer of the sun @swiftfeatherscorner and cat of the moon @fille-de-janvier xD i don’t know if they’d like to have their real names published here but here you ahve their tumblrs

83. eye color - i looked it up someday and it’s called glasz - a strange mix between green, blue and grey with some golden dots and marks. depends on the lightning which colour is stronger.

84. fave movie – impossible to tell.

85. fave actor – also impossible to tell. there are so many good actors in this world

i’m not even sure if 20 people will read this so i’ll just tag everyone who has time to answer 85 questions xD

[wendynerdwrites]

Random Rant about Princess Diana, Prince Charles, and Camilla

Okay, so despite being a gauche, socially progressive American who really doesn’t get why monarchies exist anymore, I am kind of a low-key royal watcher/follower. I was a HUGE fan of/admirer of Princess Diana when I was a little girl and am still a fan of hers in many ways.

But I’m also a fan of Charles and Camilla.

“But how???? Charles and Camilla ruined Diana’s life! They are eeeevil!!!!”

First of all, NO.

Diana Spencer had intense issues way before she hooked up with Charles, for one thing. Her parents had a bitter divorce and custody battle that basically ravaged her childhood. Seriously, at one point her dad was practically holding her hostage away from her mother during Christmas. You think the Wales divorce was messy?... It was. But it was basically just a sequel to Spencer family drama.

By Diana’s own words, she struggled with bulimia from her adolescent years and had severe abandonment issues.

Ever wonder why William’s pet cause is mental health? DIANA IS WHY.

She also grew up among a very specific “set” that included the royal family. She and her sister were playmates to Prince Andrew and Prince Edward. She grew up with the same weirdo aristocratic approach to marriage as them as well which was: pop out an heir and spare, then do whatever.

While she was young and naive and apparently did have a HUGE crush on Charles that resulted in her buying into the fairy tale narrative, she wasn’t the total shrinking violet/know-nothing people sometimes make her out to be. Diana thought she’d be the exception. She was wrong. But she DID enter that marriage with a shit-ton of pre-installed baggage that CHARLES HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH.

Second of all, ALSO NO.

God... This engagement and marriage was made of such crazy fuckery. But Diana was all in, hook, line, and sinker.

Charles, less so. And the situation was just... so fucked, you guys. And, no, sorry, it wasn’t all Charles’s fault. Or Diana’s fault. Or Prince Philip’s fault. But it went like this:

Basically, Chuck was pushing 30, was heir, and had yet to further the royal line, so to speak. It had been nearly a decade since he was formally invested as Prince of Wales. And the issue of him getting hitched had always been... there, but it really got serious as he neared the big 3-0. Especially since his younger sister, Anne, was already married and had a kid. But over the years, he’d had Richard Nixon try to set him up with his daughter and had been geared towards various COUSINS by no less than his “Uncle Dickie” AKA Lord Mountbatten AKA the guy who hooked Prince Philip up with Queen Elizabeth, who was basically Charles’s second Father.

Things got serious as Charles got older, though. Rumors were getting out that he might be gay (remember, this was the late 70′s/early 80′s and Charles is HEIR TO THE THRONE. One factor is/was that Charles is/was a surprisingly progressive dude even then and didn’t bat an eye at employing men who were OPENLY GAY IN THE 70′s. But the thing was, whether or not Charles was gay, if the public believed that, it could have potentially caused a CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS BECAUSE ROYALTY IS ALL OF THE EXTRA)

Charles was into aristocratic blonds... Fine. Perfect... Except for the part where the aristocratic blonds he tended to go for were non-virgins (and therefore completely unsuitable according to his beloved Uncle Dickie)... also married.

...That’s not Camilla, BTW. Camilla was already married to Andrew Parker-Bowles at this point. The lady in the picture there is Lady Dale “Kanga” Tryon, a fashion designer and Charles’s other mistress who actually lived a really interesting life culminating in a super tragic death. We’ll come back to her later.

But basically, Charles had to marry a virginal aristocrat, and fast. So he entered into a sort of courting pool of eligible ladies, at one point dating Lady Sarah Spencer, Diana’s older sister. But Lady Sarah went, “Nah, my sister is WAAAY more into you anyways. Date her.”

Now, if this sounds SUPER CREEPY, ANTIQUATED, AND MESSED UP, EVEN FOR THE 70′S AND 80′S, THAT’S BECAUSE IT IS. THIS IS THE WORLD THESE PEOPLE OPERATED IN, HOWEVER. AND THE ONLY THING MORE INSANE THAN ARISTOCRATS WERE ARISTOCRATS IN THE 70′S AND 80′S. THE ONLY THING MORE INSANE THAN ARISTOCRATS IN THE 70′S AND 80′S WERE THE ONES IN THE 60′S. JUST ASK PRINCESS MARGARET. THIS SHIT IS TAME COMPARED TO THE SHIT CHARLES UNCLE TONY GOT UP TO. POINT IS, THIS WAS WEIRD FROM THE BEGINNING.

Anyways, the two seemed to hit it off, but they were only dating a couple months when the press moved in and started making everything a hundred times crazier. Diana found herself hounded by the press, culminating in the papers slut-shaming her for LITERALLY TAKING AN OVERNIGHT TRIP ON A TRAIN.

This prompted Charles dad, Prince Philip, notorious for choosing his words poorly, basically sending a letter to his son telling him to basically shit or get off the pot before he ruined Diana’s life and reputation. Charles, emotionally stunted and basically terrified of his dad, took this to mean that he HAD to marry her, or he WOULD ruin her life. Keep in mind Diana was SUPER SUPER into him.

WHICH LED TO THIS DISASTER:

Charles went into this marriage feeling bound by duty, figuring Diana was game, that he could make her happy, that he was doing the right thing, and that she’d be along for the ride --- which included the model of marriages they were both used to.

He was VERY WRONG.

Diana went into her marriage completely in love, knowing that Charles had girlfriends, knowing adultery was the norm, believing she’d be a game-changer.

She was technically right, but NOT in the way she imagined. She fell for the fairy-tale Charles thought they were merely selling to the public. She was an emotionally unstable 19-year-old with severe family baggage, and Charles was an emotionally stunted prince with his head shoved right up his royal butt.

What a winner.

THIRD OF ALL, NO.

Remember that Kanga lady from the picture above? Lady Tryon was a business woman and fashion designer. And one of Charles’s mistresses.

She was Camilla’s rival. NOT Diana’s.

See that dress Diana is wearing at Live Aid? Designed by Kanga, Charles’s mistress. Yes, Diana knew who Kanga was and the nature of her relationship with Charles. At this point, Diana was cured of her delusions and was onto her own affairs. She and Kanga became friends and basically allied against Camilla.

At this point, Diana accepted that she and her husband would not be faithful to one another (it’s worth noting that during the early years of their marriage, both of them WERE supposedly faithful. Charles had his last run-in with Camilla the night before the wedding and kept away from both her and Kanga at least until Harry was conceived. But he also basically told Diana at that point that eventually, he’d be bed-hopping again. Basically, he knew Diana would have to be faithful until an heir and spare were produced and seemed to consider it fair play that he not indulge while she couldn’t. If that sounds completely fucked up THAT’S BECAUSE IT WAS). She gradually stopped caring about Charles cheating. She just hated that it was with Camilla. She very quickly embarked on a string of affairs of her own.

----And yes, Charles was a douche. He was also dealing with a wife he did NOT understand who had severe mental health issues.

Diana did things like call Camilla late at night to tell her that there was a man waiting outside, hired to kill her. She would also sometimes abscond with Baby Harry and William without telling Charles or anyone. Not a big deal in a normal family. But they’re royalty. So basically, she was happy to let her husband go into a panic about his sons possibly being kidnapped because he had no idea where the fuck they were. Keep in mind that Charles’s own sister was nearly abducted in 1974 by a gunman and that in 1982, THE VERY YEAR WILLIAM WAS BORN, a man had snuck into the Queen’s bed in the middle of the night carrying a shard of broken glass. So, yeah, Diana grabbing the boys and taking them to Windsor Castle without telling anyone, including her husband? SUPER SHITTY.

Charles tried to get Diana help, but she didn’t trust him whatsoever (because of course she fucking didn’t, no one would). Diana didn’t start getting proper help for her mental health issues until the separation. But she was prone to fits of extreme paranoia and rage, at one point culminating in her physically attacking Charles while he was praying.

Point is, she had a lot of troubles and instabilities. While Charles and Camilla certainly did not HELP, this was shit that went back years and years. Granted, that WAS exacerbated by royal life, but much of that was the strain of royal work --- constant travel, unending media scrutiny, a ton of fame all at once --- and the intense workload she was given when she became Princess of Wales did not help, either. Diana was young, troubled, and had a ton of issues.

BUT

Charles did not ruin her life. Nor did Camilla. Especially since Diana was kind of a badass.

(Pictured: Badass Diana badassing through her badass post-divorce life like a badass)

She wasn’t a Rhodes Scholar, but she was a freaking genius at handling the press and an unparalleled activist. And she got some terrific revenge on her cheating husband, too. She nearly bankrupted him in the divorce (Charles had to borrow money from the queen) and turned him into a villain in the eyes of the press.

Once out of royal life, she felt comfortable enough to get help. She got joint custody of the kids. She found great fulfillment in her activism and did some really fantastic things for causes like AIDS and land mines. She had a string of hot, rich boyfriends who spoiled the crap out of her and she was adored the world over by almost EVERYONE. That even included her ex-father-in-law, Prince Philip, who still signed his letters to her as “Pa.”

Charles nor Camilla could NEVER have hoped to ruin her life. She had too much of it. Diana’s life was ruined by a drunk driver, some paparazzi, and a traffic accident.

(And to those who want to claim that the royal family had her killed: kindly fuck off. Mohammed Fayed has had his case dismissed repeatedly despite numerous appeals and investigations. The only way Prince Philip would have had Diana killed would be if he REALLY REALLY wanted to end the monarchy. Somehow I don’t think an exiled prince-turned-royal-consort wants that. There was nothing the royal family wanted more than to see Diana married off to some rich guy and fade into the background. The LAST thing they would want is for Willam and Harry’s mother to die tragically young and cement herself as an eternal legend. Diana’s death was a fucking nightmare for the BRF personally as well as professionally).

Charles and Camilla, meanwhile?

Camilla kept her head down and did quiet work for osteoperosis research after her mother was afflicted with it. Since becoming Duchess of Cornwall, she’s done extensive work on behalf of rape and sexual assault survivors. Among her initiatives was developing “wash bags” consisting of soaps and towels for victims to use after undergoing their rape kits.

Charles spent years being decried as a complete kook for being all worked up over stupid non-issues you might have heard of --- things like “climate change”, “sustainable farming”, “organic foods”, “the ozone layer” and a supposed “housing crisis” in Britain. Oh, and his lifelong project, The Prince’s Trust, is only one of the most important charitable organizations in the Western World.

So yeah, if I have to hear one more comment about EEEEEEVIL Charles and Camilla ruining poor, wilting flower Diana’s life again, I’ll see red. It’s insulting to all three of them.

(Once again, for the record, I think monarchy is outdated and dumb, But if you are going to have one, your heir to the throne should be a Charles. Or a Victoria. But if you can’t have a Victoria, you should have a Charles.)

[niel-trbl]

I Know

Lover!Yang Hongseok x Colleague!Kang Kino AU

Note: well if you can’t tell, im kinda stuck on continuing my previous scenario and also another one that im still working on. hence why i managed to whip up this one! hope you enjoy this one! drop me some feedback or requests right here! (btw let me know if i should do part 2 to this!)

The clock finally struck twelve noon, meaning that it was time for lunch. Finally some time out of the office. You quickly tidied up your workspace before leaving.

“You’re in a rush,” your deskmate, Hani, looked over.

“Yup, Hongseok wanted to see me for lunch since he can’t make it for dinner,”

“Wait, do you think he’s-”

“WHAT, no no no. It can’t be... Anyway, I’ll see you later!” you quickly rushed out.

“Let me know how it goes!” you managed to catch what she said before you left.

Could it be? You noticed that Hongseok has been awfully sweet lately - always buying your favourite flowers, having dinner dates and whatnot. Sure you appreciate all of it but you were a little suspicious. So you asked Hani for her opinion on it and she popped the big question, “do you think he is going to propose to you?”

You’ve always had that thought, especially recently as you are moving forward into your fifth anniversary. Was it already time for this new phase of your relationship? It got you feeling a little excited, just at the thought of it. But you decided to put that thought at the back of your mind, just so that you won’t have any expectations.

Here you are, sitting at your favourite cafe with Hongseok, chatting while having lunch. Well, more like a one-sided conversation since he has been awfully quiet the whole time. You’ve always been able to pick up on his feelings or so you thought so you asked what was wrong.

“_________” your heart skipped a beat, hearing him call your name.

You weren’t ready for what he is going to say next. What should you do? How should you react? What should you say?

“Let’s not see each other,” this was not how you expected it to turn out.

Sure you said that you wasn’t expecting a proposal but a break-up was the very last thing you thought you would hear. You suddenly lost your appetite and everything just fell silent at your table.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” Hongseok tried to reason with you. Such a cliche excuse and it obviously meant it was because of you.

“I’m sorry. How long do you want to not see each other? A week? Two weeks?” You compromised, trying to save your relationship that is at its ends.

“Which part of not seeing each other do you not understand? What makes you think we are getting back together? Stop trying to hang onto me! I don’t need you,”

“There’s someone else, right?” He tried to hide his shock expression when finally said something after the long pause.

That was all you need to confirm the intuition you had. You saw him through his lies. He didn’t need you only because he has someone else. When you asked him about why he treated you so well over the few weeks, he merely said that it was just to give you good memories of the relationship. Hearing this made you even more mad.

“Wow you really had to break up with me during my lunch hour,” at this point you were just spouting nonsense, trying to make sense of the situation at hand.

“Don’t cry. Goodbye,” Hongseok then took his leave.

Awhile after he left, you could finally find the strength to leave the place. You decided to take the longer route back to the office to clear your mind. You wanted to hold it all in but as you made your back, you found yourself sobbing uncontrollably. Conveniently, it started raining, almost as if it was trying to help you cover up your tear-stained face.

You can’t believe Hongseok did that to you. Did those years mean nothing to him? All those memories together, were they easily replaced? It was such a precious relationship to you. You actually thought it could lead to forever. But it just ended right before your eyes, with no prior warning.

You were making your way towards the traffic light, with your mind still occupied by the break-up. Just as you were about to cross the road, you felt someone grabbed you by the hand.

“You should be careful! You could’ve gotten into an accident,” the person then sheltered with their umbrella.

You looked up to see who was your saviour and it was Kino, your colleague and neighbour. He’s one of the kindest and sweetest person you’ve ever met in your department, apart from Hani. Even though you don’t talk to one another as much, he’s still very caring towards you.

“You’re soaking wet. Here, put on my jacket. You’re gonna catch a cold,” he placed his jacket over your shoulders.

You thanked him softly then continued walking with him in silence. As you stood by one another in the empty lift, Kino handed you a hankerchief.

“It seems like you had a rough day. It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me. But whatever it is, just know that you’re not alone,” he gave you a soft smile.

“Thanks Kino. It’s just... Hongseok just broke up with me. He said he didn’t need me anymore. But i’m pretty sure it’s because he already have someone else. Wow i can’t believe i’m blurting all of this out to you. I’m so sorry. I’m such a wreck right now,” you tidied yourself up, before heading back to the office.

“No no it’s okay. It’s times like this when you need someone to talk to. You should take the rest of the day off. I’ll tell the boss that you’re not feeling too well. Don’t worry, i won’t say a word about what happened. Just wait here, i’ll grab your stuff,”

After awhile, Kino came back out with your bag and told you that he already called for a cab to get you home.

“Your jacket?”

“It’s okay, you need it more. Don’t worry,” he gave you a soft smile again.

You thanked him then headed into the elevator. You quickly pressed the open button again when you heard him call your name again.

“Hongseok’s an asshole for treating you that way. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Take care ________,” you were touched by his genuine concern.

When you got home, you quickly shed off your work clothes then changed into your pyjamas. You literally just spent the whole day sobbing in bed. Hongseok don’t deserve these tears but you just kept on crying. The day slowly transitioned to night. It was only then when you dragged yourself out of bed to grab a bite from the kitchen. In that moment the doorbell rang. It was none other than Kino.

“Hey, sorry for disturbing you this late. But i thought you might be hungry?” He held up bags of take-out.

“Were you working overtime today? You really shouldn’t have bought food,” you invited him into your home.

“No it’s fine, it’s the least i could do. I just wanted to make sure you were doing fine,”

Both of you spent the rest of the time, eating together while you let out your emotions. Kino kindly listened through all of it. You felt bad for burdening him with everything but he kept insisting that it was okay, as long as it made you feel better. Honestly, it did made you feel better and you were very glad that he came by to accompany you.

The next day, you headed back to work as per normal. Thanks to that late night rant session with Kino, you felt a lot better. You still felt like shit but you had to move on.

“Hey, are you feeling better? Heard from Kino that you had stomach pains from lunch,” Hani went over the moment you got to your desk.

“Oh? Oh yeah, i’m feeling better. Good thing we bumped into each other. Hey, did you see the stack of papers on my table? I told boss that I’ll submit it to him by today since i missed yesterday,” you started going through your desk drawers.

“Kino took it yesterday. He was still working even after everyone left. Maybe he went through them,”

You headed over to his desk and saw the said stack of papers. As you flipped through them, you noticed that he already went through them. You were touched by his actions. He really didn’t have to but he even did your workload. You left a post-it on his table saying “thanks again. Lunch later? My treat”

You were curious why he cared so much for you, even though you were just colleagues. Kang Kino, what are you?

[nickikpopart]

Backside Story: „How to draw LOVE“

“Different Choice” Jimins Part

Jimin POV

The next morning after the night were i broke up with Yoongi, I packed my stuff in Boxes. I still couldn´t believe what he did to me. How could he lie to me all these month? Cheating on me with Hoseok. I was so angry and sad at the same time. Yoongi didn´t came home not even in the morning. So I had time to pack everything. After that I called my boss to get some days off. He didn´t ask why, but the sound of my voice must have said a lot to him. I also told him that I want to change my worktimes, cause I don’t wanted to work with Hoseok at the same time anymore. I didn´t wanted to see him, cause I cannot forget what he did too. After lunch, Tae came and helped me to put my boxes in his car. I was glad that I could stay for a while in his apartment. He is truly a great friend. I made a last look back at the building were all my dreams crumbled into pieces overnight. I just want to forget now and try to move on.

Tae´s POV

After I got the message from Jimin last night I was going back to his flat and we talked the half of the night. Around 3 am, I left him so he could sleep a little. I told him, that I would come back after lunch to pick him up. It was very quiet when we packed all his stuff in car, which was a lot more than I thought. He needs definitely to sort out some things. He can’t take everything with him. I told him that and he agreed. Soon we arrived my apartement.

Others POV

“Jimin, you have so many boxes. We need to put some of these into the basement of my apartment.” Tae said to him with a shocked face.

“I know Tae, I will sort out some of this. I don’t need all of it. I just don’t wanted to left anything there. So I don’t have to go back.” Jimin said, while holding two boxes in his hands. They needed at least 2 hours to get the car empty. After that they were falling on the couch.

“Wahhh Jimin, i`m so done. I can´t anymore, btw… how do you feel?” Tae asked him, while getting up and walk to the kitchen. “Do you want some Water to?”

“I´m not really ok Tae, but I think after some time I will feel better and yes I want some water to. No need to ask, u see how much i`m sweating.” Jimins voice had a sad sound, Tae could tell. He heard it. He took a bottle of water out of the fridge and two glasses from the sink. Sitting back on the sofa, he opened the bottle and poured some water in both.

“Tae are you ok too?” Jimin asked him after drink some.

“I´m slightly ok. At least I was not together with Hoseok, just crush on him. I never thought he would doing things like that.” Tae was still angry, that he could fall for a guy like him. He thought Hoseok would be different than the others he met before, but he failed.

“I understand you, but I think there is someone else you find quite interesting am I right?” Jimin said while making some pictures and post them on his FB-Account. “Moving in with my best friend was a good choice.”

“Jimin, please but yeah Jin is actually quite interesting.” Tae said with a smile on his face.

Soon Tae had to leave Jimin alone to go to work but he would be back late in the evening. After Tae was gone, Jimin started to unpack and sort out some of the things. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotion. All albums with the pictures, he made during their time together. He decided to throw them away with all the little gifts he got from Yoongi, as far as he didn´t had forgot their anniversaries or his birthday. Then he found a little yellow box with a blue butterfly on it. He didn´t saw that box for about 2 years now and he was knowing already what could be in there. He opened the box and found the little brown/white plushy bunny, which he got from Jungkook. He knew it was him who left it even he didn´t saw him. The piece of paper was still there to. He opened it and instandly his thoughts were drifting away to the last day he saw him

“Be happy Jimin. Kookie”

Flashback…

Since Jimin was meeting Jungkook for the first time on his Birthday, he came almost every day, to drink his coffee and to draw. Jimin liked him from the beginning and he thought that Jungkook might liking him to. He saw it in the way he always looked at him. But Jimin had already a Boyfriend, so even he gathered feelings for him somehow, he couldn´t make that decision to tell it Jungkook. So the days are going always the same. Until….

11.10.2015

Jimin had late work and Jungkook was there like always to talk with him and of cause he used his free time to sit down and watched him drawing. He liked his pictures. After some minutes sitting down, he received a call from his Boyfriend. He excused himself from Jungkook to talk to him. Not noticing that Jungkook startled by what he was hearing and immediately got back to his drawing when Jimin looked at him.

“Hey Babe, yes i´m home in 3 hours and I will cook something for you ok.”

“No, its ok. You can bring actually some Wine if u want.”

“Love u too, see you later then.”

Jimin didn´t know that Jungkook heard everything and was sitting himself beside him again. Jungkook didn’t looked at him during their talking, just concentrate on the drawing. Jimin was little surprised that he was so silent after he came back to him.

“So Kookie, how are u doing?” Jimin asked him

“I´m ok. Just as usual.” Jungkook tried to shorten their talk.

“Is everything ok? You are so quiet today. Not like the other time.” Jimin could tell something was off.

“No, everything is fine. Actually I have to go now. If u don´t mind.” Jungkook said while packing his pencil and Sketchbook in his bag.

“Oh ok, no problem. I need to work anyway now. See u tomorrow then.” Jimin said with a smile.

“Yeah see you Jimin.” Jungkooks voice cracked a little, Jimin could hear it but didn´t ask Jungkook about it.

On the next day, Jimin was waiting for Jungkook to come but he didn´t. He needed to talk to him. Actually he wasn´t feeling well, because Yoongi had stood him up the night before. Jimin thought that Jungkook was the best to lighten his mood. Tomorrow was his Birthday, he told that Jungkook a while ago, so he hoped he would come to meet him then.

Jimin had to work on his birthday, but he could go home earlier. His boss allowed it.  He hoped to see Jungkook today, so he entered the Café with excitement. But…

"Jimin, the guy who had visit you every day here had left something for you.” His Boss Namjoon told him. “He was here earlier and told me to give you that.”Namjoon gave Jimin a little yellow Box with a blue Butterfly on it. Jimin gulped and got suddenly silent. So he wouldn´t even see him today, he thought.

“Did he said something else?” Jimin was asking while shaking a little.

“No nothing else, just that.” Namjoon told him and went back into the Kitchen.

Jimin had let himself falling back on the bank behind him and looked at the box in his hand. After he took a deep breath he opened the box and found a little brown/white plushy bunny. Beside that there was a message. “Be happy Jimin. Kookie” He felt sad while reading it. He got overwhelmed and tears were flashing into his eyes. He was started to think, what if he had gathered the courage to confess to Jungkook that he liked him. Would he be there with him today? He looked at the bunny and said to himself: “What if I had did.”, not knowing, while lost in his thoughts, that Jungkook came back to watch him from outside the window. After that the days were going slowly over and Jimin never saw Jungkook again. He thought about him sometimes, but things were going to be better with Yoongi now. So he stopped thinking about him and putted that plushy bunny with the box somewhere in the basement of their apartement. Not know yet that it would come back to him in the right time.

“Jimin, i´m back home.” Tae said after he went into the room. Jimin was freezing after he heard him, which brought him back into reality. Not to face him yet, Jimin put the bunny hasty back in the small box with a sad smile and then putting it in the big box in front of him.

“Sorry I was just… “ Jimin stuttered and putted the big box beside the bed.

“It ok, btw what are u hiding there?” Tae asked him out of curiosity.

“Nothing, just a memory that I want to keep” Jimin just said.

“Oh, ok. Want to eat Dinner. I bought chicken and beer.” Tae was asking with a big smile.

“Yeah ok. I´m actually hungry.” Jimin answered him while still looking at the box. He was thinking about Jungkook more often since he talked with JJK1013 and he still thought if he had made a different Choice in that time. He started to like JJK1013 lately cause he reminded him a little bit of Jungkook. The way he wrote when they are chatting. He needed to talk to Jin about it.

HOW TO DRAW LOVE AU ( 6-7-8/? )

Jimin follows a well known artist on Facebook; not knowing it is Jungkook; a boy he met two years ago and fell for despite being in a relationship. Jungkook suddenly disappeared on him without saying why and left Jimin with a lot of “what ifs”.

so here my next Part of the flashback, Jimins part this time. hope u guys like it. @golden-kookmin

[atopearth]

Ikemen Sengoku Part 1 - Oda Nobunaga Route

Yess it is out! Lolol, basic story is the heroine gets taken back to the Sengoku period when Oda Nobunaga is betrayed and supposed to die but she ends up saving him from the fire instead. (BTW, yes I play my games very late at night lmaoo)

Lol when she said she doesn’t want to know what his name is. The heroine seems pretty cool. Ohh I’m not well versed with Japanese history but I was aware of Mitsuhide’s betrayal, I just didn’t realise it only lasted for 3 days before Hideyoshi came back and took back control, I see, I see. And the post grad physics guy that came to the past with her actually was stuck here for four years before the time she came in. What a convenient time and location for her to pop up in to change a big part of history! I still find it hilarious that Nobunaga asked if she would rule by his side LOL. What a wonderful suggestion. And she replied by running off hahaha, he got rejected lol.

I see, Sasuke also came and changed Kenshin and Shingen’s lives when they were supposed to be dead by this time already. I guess this makes everything more flexible story wise then! An alternate history! I feel so sorry for the heroine though… She could have relied on that physics guy turned ninja but then Hideyoshi and Masamune found her and now she’s back to Nobunaga aiyaa. Sasuke’s right, love clouds your decision making skills. Unfortunately, this is an otome and I’m going to be choosing a route so Sasuke’s warning of telling the heroine to not fall in love with anyone here ain’t gonna happen. Guess we’ll just have to hopefully pick one that’s worth staying in this timeline for lolol. Lmao, the heroine is such a hard worker, she refuses to be a bum for 3 months (before she can return home to the real world through a wormhole) even though Nobunaga just wants her to be near him as his lucky charm. I would’ve been like sure, I’ll just explore this world for 3 months lmao. It’ll be like a holiday!

Anyway, I hate arrogant men like the Nobunaga in this game and since I like to keep good things for last, I’ll pick him first lolol. At least his character design is pretty, he’s my second favourite in terms of appearances! Masamune has got to be the best looking one kyaa~~ LOL at Hideyoshi saying he’d cut her if she disrespects Nobunaga again, the poor heroine. Omgg, can her situation get any worse? She’s going to war by his side gg. Nice knowing you heroine. Everything she says to him falls on deaf ears lmao. 

When the heroine was surprised that Nobunaga protected/saved her from an arrow, I was like why are you shocked?! He better damn well protect you! He took you here and you’re his lucky charm! He can’t be that irresponsible! Although it could be possible I guess… I mean, he is ruthless… I’m surprised the heroine wasn’t aware of what Nobunaga was trying to do by bringing a smaller force with him to destroy the enemy commander’s forces etc… Still must have been traumatising to have to witness this skirmish as a normal person who has never been acquainted with war in any way, even if it is a small skirmish. She does owe him a thank you I guess though lol. LOL that he wants her to warm his bed and lmao, she’s right that she needs to know more about her partner than the simple hobbies of quashing revolts and burning castles 😂😂😂 she’s so right but funny at the same time lol. 

Omgg, the heroine knows consent! I find so many otome ignoring the concept of consent all in the name of hot guys and it infuriates me sometimes so I’m glad our heroine this time is very spunky and stands her ground. Hahaha she’s so cute and optimistic about learning how they make kimonos back in this time. But I’m surprised that she told him she’s from the future and he believed it, but I am most impressed with Nobunaga’s bet with Go. Definitely a good idea in getting the heroine haha, he’s adapting to her personality well. I think I might enjoy this route more than I thought. Strip Go is an entertaining game after all 😂😂

HAHAHA, when the heroine was clueless and Ieyasu explained stuff to her because her clueless face was annoying and that she should be quiet and then she said “sorry for breathing” LOL, she is so hilarious, I love her. Poor heroine, she tried to run away from this hot spring trip with Nobunaga but everyone is out to capture her, lolol at Hideyoshi being the one to have packed her belongings for the trip hahaha. I assume Nobunaga was protecting her from that assassin who grabbed her leg, I mean I would assume that if you take on the role of an assassin, you wouldn’t regard your life as important especially when facing someone you believe to be a tyrant and enemy, you’ll never beg for your life from such a person. I love how they resolved their differences and they talked to each other of their worldly views and then he ended up snuggling up using her lap as a pillow and then tucking her into a futon with him later when she fell asleep 😂😂 he’s so good at this lmao.

I’m really enjoying this story. You can see why Nobunaga and the heroine come into conflicts a lot of the time when it comes to human life since he’s stuck in a time filled with killing as a normal circumstance whereas she hasn’t. It’s not that he particularly likes to kill but he understands that he needs to do so in order for his goal of unity across the lands to be achieved and he can’t allow any betrayal and treachery to even possibly occur. There is no mercy for anyone because once you show it, then people will know your weaknesses. It’s a sad world to live in..

I’m glad the heroine is such a cool girl, she got Kennyo to let his guard down so she could bite him and then run and she is aware that Nobunaga may not be a good person but she knows in her heart that she doesn’t want him to die and I think that’s enough resolve to wanting to save him. Omg, when he said she lost the game by default and so he can claim a part of her and he chooses her heart, I literally swooned! Gotta admit though, the heroine was so cool when she saved Nobunaga and threw the smoke bomb and spikes on the he ground to delay the enemies, she’s smart, witty, emotive and loving. I like her just as much as Nobunaga hahaha.

When Nobunaga started talking about his past and the heroine felt terrible that this period in time forced him into having to take measures such as killing his own brother to survive, it made me think a little about Soji from Rurouni Kenshin, he was also a kid that had no choice but to do what he had to in order to survive and that’s what set him off on to the path he went on from that day onwards.

The way that they got together was so cute though, I mean it was obvious how attracted they were to each other but seeing how much Nobunaga cared for her and cherished her made me all giddy! Lolol. Especially when he suggested another game of Go for her heart and she told him that everything was his already, that was so great~~

 I’m surprised that Sasuke is not planning to leave either because of whatever job he needs to see till the end, I mean, it literally means he’s never going back, he must either have a great sense of responsibility or this duty is something only he can perform and he needs to see it to completion. I wonder how he even got this job though…. 

I can’t take Nobunaga’s confidence, especially when he’s facing Kenshin, why is he so cool?! Not only is he gentle and reliable, he’s even starting to become even more considerate and understanding that it’s really hard to not see how perfect of a man he is. He’s playful but also serious, sigh, I don’t think the heroine or I really understood what we were getting into when I chose this route, I honestly didn’t think I’d like him this much, I can see why the heroine is willing to stay in this world forever for him, it’s a big sacrifice but you gotta admit, he’s worth it lmao. I just love how they both changed each other for the better (in their perspectives anyway) and as such well balanced individuals each in themselves.

This game is so good lol, it’s so difficult to find a heroine as likeable as the guy these days so I really appreciate the effort they put into her character as well because I love her just as much. They united Japan so fast! Hahaha, well I guess that’s okay too lol since it’s the romantic route, but going around the world does sound very ideal, especially with the charisma of Nobunaga to be coming along hahaha. Anywho, Nobunaga was much more unique, cooler and fun than I thought and I’m starting to think it’ll be hard to best him because the chemistry he and the heroine shares is too great and funny to beat, they’re like made for each other lol!

P.S I don't think I'm as fond of the dramatic route haha, too dramatic for me lolol with the running away from the storm taking her back to the present and him wishing for her to live. And the whole idea of them changing the past too much etc. But it was really cute when he was scared she wouldn't like it if he came back to her full of the blood of the enemies on him so he went to a river to wash himself first, he's so considerate and I guess a bit hurt after she pushed him away when he killed someone and yet could touch her so tenderly. It was the best when Sasuke showed her Nobunaga's everlasting love for her that could be shown in the present with him cherishing that toy bear she made and proclaiming his love for her. He's so cool.

I personally think the romantic route was much better in terms of sweetness and how fun it was~

[thesecretlifeofmerribethc]

3.10-3.14.19

Yikes, realllllly slacking. Not in just updating my blog, but in my career stuff. Still proud of the small things though!

3.10.19 - Church! Service was good. It was short cuz dad had work but the message was good. After service I immediately sat down with tita Grace in the sanctuary and we just talked about marriage, relationships, and what tita Grace experienced at work this week (concerning visiting a friend of mine). Didn’t eat btw cuz we were so engrossed in talking. Ate some chicken and talked to tita connie for a little bit. Then I played with Rosita, Gabe and Mary Grace. After that we went homeee. Played Mario Party and still lost to Marvin lol Went to bed early lol But got to talk to dad on the phone from 12:40-1:00 am about cars before really shutting my eyes lol

3.11.19 - Happy Birthday Marvin!!! <33 Today, Marv turns 18 :’D Where did the time go? Woke up a bit late-ish. Didn’t get to greet Marv cuz he had school. Ate a light breakfast and then at around 3 got ready to pick up Marv and go to Leo’s. Manong couldn’t join us for dinner today because he had work and school. Anywho, mom, dad, manang and I picked up Marv and went straight to Leo’s on Telegraph near southland mall. Waited a bit in the parking lot for ne but then went inside to get a table. Sat down and maybe 10 minutes later Ne came. We ordered our food then ne told us that Toto was coming. Honestly I was so bummed when I heard that. Everyone was taken by surprised. She casually says, “Toto is coming. He’s on his way. He’s almost here” like it’s no big deal and proceeds to call him to ask for his order which takes like 6 minutes! Ends up ordering him a steak dinner. Anywho, it was just so awkward. No one was happy during the dinner, or at least manang, Marv and I. After Leo’s we went to the mall to walk it off and we just vented (Marv, manang and I) to each other at how disappointing that was. And also very rude. Like, Ne couldn’t have given us a heads up? And also, it’s Marvin’s birthday. He didn’t ask for him to come. Marv told us that that ruined the dinner. We all basically lost our appetites that day. Well whatever. Manang Marv and I didn’t buy anything at the mall other than some Froyo from Pinkberry. We also walked to Disc Replay but didn’t find anything. Went back to the car where dad was sleeping and about 20 minutes later mom comes and we leave (thank God). At home we took pics with Marvin, and then just sat around until Manong came home. Once manong came home we gave Marv his presents. He loved my toilet mug xD LOL He seemed a little disappointed at what he got (?) (Manang gave him Reese’s which was planned a long time ago when we bought it, but she bought Marv a game Capture that was on the hill so we couldn’t get it the day of), and manong got him Persona 5 on the PS4, and mom and dad got him $. lol After that I went to bed. Was so tired!

3.12.19 - Tuesday! Dad has work and everyone else lol. Got up and made dad’s shake, did some laundry, ironed dad’s uniform, and prepared dad’s lunch. Was gonna do the dishes but put them aside for later. Picked up Marv and manang then stopped by the hill so manang could get her gift that she ordered for Marv. Then went to Walmart in Woodhaven. Refilled the water jugs and got a few things but also picked up our online order for the other end of the bookshelf (since mom likes that as the TV stand rather than the IKEA one we got). Stopped by Ne’s to return some pots and pans but she didn’t answer her phone. Went home and I helped mom cut veggies for the pinakbet. Then I assebled the 2 box organizer and removed everything from the TV stand and bookshelf. After switching things up and then adding the legs on the IKEA stand, we decided (5 against 1) that the IKEA stand with the legs was wayyyyy better. Even Messenger video-chatted dad so he could see and tell mom not to complain xD LOL After that and putting the living room back the way it was, I washed dishes while mom watched SisterRakas or something with Vice Ganda and Ai Ai. Cooked rice then went to my room around 1 a.m. xP

3.13.19 - Wednesday. Gosh I’m typing these on Pi day (3.14) but I already can’t remember what I did yesterday O_O yikes....Ok, looking through my phone and I didn’t get up until 2:40 ish. Ate with the peeps, made dad’s shake and lunch, then drank some coffee while looking at cars with dad. Did some laundry and tidied a bit. Mom went to pick up manang and Marv. Cooked some eggs and hotdogs for the sibs once they got home as well as made salad. Oh also FB, Whatsapp and IG were down all day! Like you couldn’t refresh, post, like etc. Watched an Ai Ai movie with mom again (she becomes like the president of the Philippines lol) while manang and Marv were napping. Oh also manang gave marv her gift! He loved it! He just needs a better, faster computer now lol. Mom watched the sister Rakas movie again since she fell asleep last night. After that, took a little break, then watched “The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind” with mom, manang, and Marv and it was good! Ligo then bed!

3.14.19 - Woke up super early today! Like 7:25 lol Got ready and went with manong and Marv. Marv got dropped off to school and then manong drove us to Mcdonalds for breakfast. Had the breakfast burrito meals. Talked a bit and then made our way to the SOS at 8:50 and there was a line already outside (since it opens at 9). There were like 20 plus people in line. I was number 79 (I believe first number was 55). Didn’t take too long to get helped, but then I had to take the written test again xD Passed it tho! Then I had to go back in line. In all it took me 3 hours :P Manong also renewed his license to get the star! Apparently starting next year if your license doesn’t have the star yo won’t be able to board a plane O_O. Anywho, after the SOS I drove home. Btw I forgot to mention manong paid for the other half of my permit fee (it costs $25, I had $12.50 ❤️) I was pretty rusty but we made it. Once I got home I went to my room and tried to nap, but couldn’t until 1. Woke up at 2:45 ish and went downstairs. Mom and dad were in their rooms so I cooked myself egg and hotdog because i was starting to get cramps and needed to eat something before I can take the medicine. Did that, made dad’s shake, and then microwaved the heat bag since I was still hurting. Sat on the couch with a blanket and watched some youtube videos. Felt good after 15 minutes sitting on the couch. Mom and I then picked up Marv. Oh btw, I didn’t mention. Todays weather was so nice! Close to 60 degrees! But it was rainy though. Still nice. Tomorrow’s gonna be cold again :P. Anywho got Marv then got manang. Went to the Target on Ford Road cuz there was just traffic everywhere. Returned the letter “G” craft thing, bought popcorn then the 3 of us just sat at the cafe waiting for mom. I ordered a venti cloud iced caramel macchiato and it was good! A lot of foam though. The guy who made it was so nice to me. I asked him how his day’s been and he said “it’s good! How about yours?” and I said it was good, especially because of the weather. Then he asked for my name and I said Mary and he was like, “nice to meet you Mary” and I said “Nice to meet you too!” I shouldve asked his name SMH i’m a failure :(( Anyway after target we stopped by the Indian store then home. At home i added more fruit to the shake I saved for mom and drank that. Then I watched Nailed it - Mexico with manang and mom. After that we watched the musical parts from Hairspray. Then I ate corn beef and rice, with a boiled egg. After preparing mom’s stuff for the mango pie, I went to my room and ended up taking a nap lol. Woke up, washed my face and brushed my teeth, then tidied up my room. Now it’s 12:41 a.m. Have a dentist appointment tomorrow! Hope it doesn’t take long.

Life, I’m lovin’ it,

Bebet

[fanficcollection]

Tumblr - Girl (Part 1)

Tumblr - Girl (Series)

Part 2 Masterlist

Pairing: Misha Collins x reader

Summary: You post on your tumblr after a panic attack, not knowing if you would get an answer

Word Count: 1.736

Warnings: panic attack, angst, swearing, mental illness, depression, maybe fluff (I’m really not good at this!)

Notes: it is my first fanfic and I am not a English native speaker so please don’t hate me

Your POV

“Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.” you said to yourself. You felt the beginning panic attack, your pulse increased, tears welled up in your eyes and you your lungs couldn’t get enough air. “Breathe out. Breathe in.” you continued your mantra. Your whole body was shaking, but you knew it would eventually get better. After a few minutes of just breathing your body calmed down and you took your phone to distract yourself. There was not a lot going on on tumblr but you just scrolled through your dashboard, multiple times you saw postings about the unbelievable support from the SPNfamily and how they cared about their “family members”. You considered yourself as a family member since quite a long time and you often posted help-seeking texts, but not one time you got an answer to those. You just were not important, to anybody, nobody wants to talk to you. Tears started welling up again and you sobbed quietly. Before you knew what you were doing you typed a short text:

Kinda hard

Hey SPNfamily, I read many, many things about your support of family members, but it is hard to get into the family, isn’t it? I really considered me as member, but I couldn’t really get into contact with anyone. I needed a lot of support in the last few weeks and tbh nobody answered my questions for help, for someone to talk. I’m kinda sad about that.

You pressed the “send”-button and buried yourself in your blanket. It took just a few minutes before you heard a sound of your phone. You ignored it, you were sure it was someone who complained about you being an attention-seeking bitch. You cried yourself into a very restless sleep.

In the middle of the night you woke up, your eyes swollen from crying and your pillow soaking wet. Tired and with a bad headache you stood up to get yourself a glass of water and a dry pillow. You saw the notification on your mobile and decided to look at it, you wouldn’t be able to sleep for a couple of hours anyway. It was a private message in your tumblr inbox from a user called oldbonesgoingdown.

“Hey girl,

Just saw your post and was a bit worried about you, so I decided to write you to be sure you are okay. I’ve experienced that unfortunately it can happen that support-seeking posts drown in the floods of SPNfandom posts, gifs, fanfics (you surely know what I’m talking about)

In spite of that I wanted to make sure you know I’m here. In case nobody else recognized your post, I did, and I really wanna help you in every way I can. 

You don’t have to talk to me, if you don’t need to or if you don’t want to, but please just let me know if you’re alright, ok?

Love, oldbonesgoingdown”

You read the text again and again, there was no hate in it, no accusation, just care. A light smile appeared on your face as you tapped at the “answer”-button and wrote a few lines.

“Hello you,

I know it’s late (at least here it’s about 3 a.m.) and I hope I don’t wake you but I just wanted to thank you for your message. Tbh I had a sort of bad moment when I wrote the post and I didn’t thought that anyone would actually care about it. It never happened before that someone cared about me. So thank you! 

And I would really appreciate to have someone to talk to, I just think I will need some time to jump over my own shadow, it isn’t easy for me to share this stuff which isn’t even interesting.

Looking forward to hear from you,

Y/N”

You put your mobile on the floor next to your bed and closed your eyes as you heard that notification-sound again. *Wow, he or she is fast!* you thought, a few seconds you considered leaving your phone alone until in the morning but then your curiosity won and you unlocked your screen.

“Hey

Thanks for your reply, Y/N, is this your real name, Y/N? I like it, it’s a beautiful name, your parents did well here. 

Don’t worry, you didn’t wake me, I couldn’t sleep so I listened to some songs when I got your message, why are you awake this late? Is everything okay? You didn’t specifically say that you are alright, but I hope you are. Take all the time you need, you don’t have to share anything if you don’t want to, I don’t want to push, I just wanna say I’m here to listen, to talk. Don’t rush, my dear.

Love, oldbonesgoingdown”

And a few seconds after the first message arrived there was a second, really short one.

“I was really happy when I saw your message, so I instantly replied, I hope I don’t scared you off.”

You smiled. He, you were very sure now that this was a male because of the comment on your name, really read your message, detected the little things, that you haven’t answered his question, that you put your real name at the end of it and things like that.

“Yes, Y/N it’s my real name, I’m glad you like it, to be honest I don’t like it, but it fits to my person, it’s just as normal and boring as I am, I think.

For the moment I think I’m quite okay, I cried myself into sleep tonight and I woke up a few minutes ago. Got some water and a fresh pillow and saw your message so I thought I quickly answer it. J But if you are tired, go to bed, I don’t want to keep you up all night.

Btw you didn’t scare me off, don’t worry, but you are a fast writer!

Greetings, Y/N”

You sent the message and stared at the display of your phone waiting for his next text, minutes went by and you got sad again, maybe he really got to sleep now, you could understand it, you were just a boring, unnecessary person, no one would like to write with you. No one would like to hear about your problems. Now YOU scared HIM off. Shit, tears started rolling down your face once more as you put your phone away. Desperately you took that razor, which you used to store in your nightstand and with fast moves you slid it across your skin, ten times, maybe twenty times. You saw the little red drops and a sad smile appeared on your face. After some time you watched the drops of blood on your wrist you took a tissue, pressed it on the cuts slightly and fixed it with some bandage. Then without looking on your mobile you went to bed, falling in a deep but restless sleep.

Mishas POV

I was just scrolling through my tumblr dashboard and commented on a few things, I was glad I had this idea with the second account. I enjoyed that nobody knew it was me and I could communicate with the other users just normal. Just like they communicate with each other. I made some great experiences with those people, which are supporting each other as good as they could. I read a few texts as a very short one catches my attention. He or she said the SPNfamily just doesn’t answer his/her asks for support. I looked at the profile and figured out that it was a girl talking, but I was worried, she sounded like she wasn’t well, like she had nobody to lean on. I waited a few minutes but nobody reacted to her text and I felt like I had to do something, so I shot her a quick message asking if she was okay.

Hours later I was still worried about this girl, she hasn’t answered yet and I wasn’t sure what to do. A quick look on my mobile told me it was nearly 2 a.m., shit, I had filming tomorrow. I tried to put myself into bed and get some sleep, but I couldn’t close one eye. So I turned some music on on my phone and thought about what to do. Minutes went by as suddenly the music stopped for a moment and a soft noise said that I got a message. In a flash I took my mobile read the short message and smiled for a short moment, it was from that tumblr-girl, then I read the message again, it was no doubt she was having a hard time, that made me sad. I quickly wrote a reply and sent it, fuck, that was too fast, she might think I am a stalker or something. I shot a short second message explaining the situation and waited, hoping for an answer.

Not much time went by as my phone buzzed again, I saw a message from that tumblr-girl in my inbox but at the time I wanted to answer my phone went out. Shit. I was looking for the charger everywhere until I realised I forgot it on set. Shit. Quickly I started up my laptop and read her message again and answered.

“Don’t think like that, Y/N. I don’t know you that well ( now), but I think you are an interesting person, you seem there are a lot of interesting things to know about you and I would like to get to know them all. 

Oh my dear, I hope you are better now, I feel with you, I know this feeling when your head puts up some cruel ideas and you can’t do anything but believing it, I really know it, but it will pass, at least for a while. And remember, I am here, girl, I am.

Love, oldbonesgoingdown

PS.: And I don’t think Y/N is an normal, boring name, like you said, I think it sounds very light, adorable and lovely, I don’t know anybody who is called Y/N. I really like the sound of it.

I waited and waited but nothing came back. I checked the time again, it was after 4 am. Shit. I layed down and within some minutes I fell to sleep, hoping I did nothing wrong to her.

Part 2

[dahcyst]

A Flower for the Bee [Chapter 6]

[AO3 link : http://archiveofourown.org/works/9238850/chapters/21205610]

The next day, Yuri had waken up with some difficulties. He hadn't drunk last night for his birthday, as he was still underage for the two incoming years, but going home so late after the small party had just left him dead in his bed. Dealing with J.J. had been quite weird and totally impossible. Dark eyes had been looking down on him when he'd tried to get the man's cellphone, and the smirk on J.J.'s face was really pissing him off. Victor had soon stopped both them, claiming the phone as his -and it actually was true: J.J. hadn't been using his own cell the whole night and Yuri learned later that Victor had lent an old one of his to the Canadian. It seemed that his coming from so far wasn't that prepared as he hadn't made the advances for a journey phone credit.  

He'd tried to ask Victor –more or less roughly, violently, even threatened the man, but the skater never returned the phone, and didn't even bother answer to Yuri's rude words.  

"None of my business, boys," he'd said despite the protests.  

After that, the party hadn't last for long, and Yakov had drove him back home; it appeared that J.J.  was really sleeping at Victor's during his stay. At the end of the evening (or the early morning? He wasn't sure), the man looked pretty exhausted and Yuri had suddenly remembered the huge jet lag between Russia and Canada. It was already quite impressive that J.J. had survived that entire time –or maybe he'd taken a nap in the afternoon before taking him to Victor's place.  

Speacking of J.J., Yuri hadn't seen any pictures of the small party on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr...He'd checked Victor's, J.J.'s, aven Yakov's account even though the old man wasn't one to take pictures and didn't quite understand how to upload a photograph, let alone make a publication alone. He used to ask Georgi or Mila when he needed some help.  

J.J.'s accounts on social medias didn't have anything new published since...Days. Weeks. It had made Yuri frown a little since J.J. had always been someone who posted a lot of things –especially things that made others feel like they wanted to punch him right in the face, and especially Yuri. But the last thing Yuri saw in tCanadian's feed was that selfie Isabella and him had taken together at the end of their wedding. He was still wearing her white veil, her dark hair hair tied up in an amazing bun that Yuri was petty sure it had taken hours to make due to the lack of lenght.  

"Wow, got new clothes?"  

At Mila's words, Yuri raised his eyes up to her as he was lacing his skates and nodded silently. With that gaze of hers, he knew that she was aware of what had happened the night before –or at least about that gift. Did she knew about Otabek, the incoming duet and why she was training so much with him lately?  

"You look a bit tired, is it gonna be ok today?" She asked sitting near on the same bench.  

"I'll go easy for today," he sighed. "Yakov's been pretty irresponsable for once, taking me home soooo late..."  

He knew for sure that Victor wouldn't be here in the morning : the man was a heavy sleeper and knowing that J.J. was at his place didn't help with that feeling. Before leaving his phone on the bench with his towel, Yuri gave an eye in his mailbox in case he would get a new message from Otabek. He actually hadn't been sleeping right away after getting home last night, sending some words to the Kazakh. The man had answered almost immediatly, putting his nerves to the edge. For God's sake, when was he even sleeping!?

 Yura : "When are you coming in Moscow then?"

   Ota-bee : "By the end of the week, I'll tell you"

   Yura : "Ok then"

Oh man. It had kept him from sleeping for a good couple of hours more and he wasn't sure if he had even sleep a complete hour that night. His brain was feeling like dead, not running properly to his liking –he didn't have strenght enough to answer back Mila's bad jokes. His body was painful enough to make him grunt even more than usually. But the idea of skating with Otabek Altin was somehow worth it. Well, not somehow. The simple thought of being able to stand by his side on the ice made his heart jolt and beat so hard that he wasn't sure if it was due to the excitment or the tireness or anything.  

Mila laughed gently, then patted his head with her thin hand. "You're a lot on your phone lately," she said. "Finally got a girlfriend?"  

Before he could even think about his answer, Yuri gave her a dark death glare as he was leaving his phone screen for a few seconds. "What?"  

"Wow, don't look at me like that, you're scary!"  

"Your fault! What kind of nonsense are you saying!?" Yuri spit. He had tightened his grip on the frame of his phone, his thumb pushing pretty fast on the main button to darken the screen. But she grinned anyway; he hadn't been quick enough for it not to be noticed.  

"Sooooo, what's her name?" She continued.  

Yuri grit his teeth. "There's no 'her', stupid!"  

She opened her eyes wild. "Oh! That's a 'he' then? I didn't know you were into guys!"  

Yuri coughed pretty hard at her suggestion and the lace slip off his hands as he was giving her the most threatening gaze of his. Or at least he tried but the sudden heat all other his face wasn't  helping and he wasn't sure if being red to the ears was something convincing enough against Mila.  

"WHAT!?"

"What 'what'?" She shrugged. "Aren't you?"

"I'M NOT GAY OF COURSE YOU DUMBASS!"  

The silence that fell between the two of them suddenly took him deep and he felt a heavy lump forming in his throat as Mila was staring at him. Her gaze was as curious as puzzled. The few people not so far around the rink had turned their attention toward them and it made him feel pretty bad. But the young woman soon sighed softly, standing slowly.  

"Yeah," she simply said. "You're not, of course. Sorry if I've upset you, okay?"  

Once again this week, Yuri felt the guilt taking him deep in his stomach. Mila's features had suddenly changed and if he didn't know why, he knew it was because of what he'd just said. That subject was something he'd never really thought about. A girlfriend, or even a boyfriend, weren't something that had their place in his life right now. He didn't have enough time or energy for such things –let alone nobody was interesting enough in his current daily life to even consider the idea.  

"O-okay," he mumbled.  

She quickly left, gone for a little warm-up on the ice and Yuri sighed, pushing again on the button of his cellphone to enlight the screen again. Otabek was online and he counted. It was something like lunch time for the Kazakh and he didn't even got surprised when the picture of a plate full of letuce and chicken suddenly appeared in their conversation.  

 Ota-bee : "Seriously I feel like a girl on a diet"  

Yuri hardly held his laughter back.  

 Yura : "wtf why are you eating that?"  

   Ota-bee : "Coach said so?"

   Yura : "don't tell me you're one to listen to your coach!"

   Ota-bee : "why not, it worked pretty well till now"

Yuri stared at it for a few good seconds, trying to imagine Otabek purposely doing whatever his coach would be asking him to do. Was his body, his final frame, his strength, the result of what his coach had decided? Or did Otabek himself asked for this. Their was something that Yuri knew about Otabek: his skills on the ice were ones that had make Victor coming back in competition, and for this the Kazakh was a serious rival. He had't been the only one to be that reason, of course, just a part of the story, but still. Victor had taken an interest on the young man –or, more specifically, his body.  

Yuri sighed.  

 Yura : "ok ok why not"

   Ota-bee : "How is your training btw?"

   Yura : "terrible"

   Ota-bee : "?"

   Yura : "wanna sleep"

   Ota-bee : "Ahah same to be honest"

He caught himself smiling at the written laughter; he coud imagine the soft giggle from the man, the dimples at the corner of his mouth and his eyes, sweet and dark at the same time as he would be shaking his head a little.  

 Yura : "Take a nap dumbass"

   Ota-bee : "I will"

   Ota-bee : "but it's kind of crowded here now"

   Yura : "Really?"  

   Ota-bee : "Yeah small demo this afternoon"

   Ota-bee : "Hope I won's sleep on the ice lol"

Yuri huffed a little at the unusual 'lol' at the end of the message. It wasn't so...Not Otabek? The man wasn't one to use that type of shortcut –most of the time he typed full sentences, except sometimes when he was in a rush or something that kept him from being able to take his time to write properly on his cellphone.  

 Yura: "sleep now then?"

   Ota-bee : "no way"

   Yura : "man, you're stupid?"

   Ota-bee : "We are chatting, i don't want to sleep now"

Yuri had suddenly been holding his breath and the only thing that made him inspire again was Mila's call for him. Oh dears. What could he honestly answer to this when he only wanted to be a few days ahead of now?  

 Yura : "I'm off see you"

Then he shove his phone between his folded towel layers to hide it at least a little and decided to finally join the young woman. What was that, seriously? Yuri didn't like what he'd just done, leaving Otabek so suddenly when the man had just said...Uh. Well, when he'd just said that. Had the Kazakh absolutly no pride to be able to say such a thing to a friend?  

"Hey Yuuuuriiiii!" Mila called again.  

With a deep sigh and a grimace at his painful articulations when he'd stand up, Yuri reached the young woman. Mila's hair was finally long enough to tie it up in a very small ponytail and it showed up her so little ears. With her pale skin and puckish blue eyes, let alone her deviish smile and than damn body of her, the boy was pretty sure she was incredibly attractive and might have tons of suitors. But he'd never seen her with someone until now.  

She watched him coming, hands on her hips and tsk'ed a little at him, making the blond raise a eyebrow. "Boy, you look sooo down! Are you really tired?"  

"I already fucking told you, Mila! They trapped me last night in Victor's apartment! I've barely slept, I'm DEAD, how can't you get something so simple?"

She laughed a little at his mad expression. "Right, riiiiight!"  

Cheeks red from being suddenly annoyed, Yuri mumbled and started sliding on the ice to get used to the thing again during a few seconds. Here. Like that. He needed that. He wanted that soft feeling of air brushing his face, his body suddenly so light as it was heading straight on this line. His knees were still as fuck, the dull pain irradiating from his articulations to the muscles of his thights. Sometimes, it was unbearable and he wondered how he still hadn't given up on all that shit.  

Georgi soon joined them in the training. The man wasn't preparing the new season. If he hadn't retired, his life had slightly changed since he met his new girlfriend and to be honest, his personnality was way smoother than when he was dating that superficial Anya.  

"Hey, Yuri!" Georgi suddenly called.  

The boy stopped strenching his body at the sound of his voice and turned his attention to him. The man was scratching his head and slid with curiosity near Yuri before suddenly grabbing his sides with both hands. He earned a surprised sound.  

"GEOR--"

"Are you injured or something?" He simply asked.  

Yuri blinked a little. "What?"

Georgi was frowning a little, visibly concerned. "Aren't you?" He continued. "I thought so, your skating is quite different lately."

The blond Russian froze a little at Georgi's words. Was it so obvious that something was happening? Had he been so freacking bad that even Georgi had noticed? Not hat Georgi was a bad skater, not at all, but he wasn't one to really care about others' way of skating.  

Yuri swallowed the lump in his throat with some difficulties. "I...Might have some cramps," he lied. Or rather, it wasn't completly a lie. He was, at least, admitting that something wasn't really ok. Georgi raised an eyebrow.  

"Aaahh, I was right then! Since when? Is it painful? You skate a little as if you had, uh, well..."

"As if I had what?"

"A tree up in your ass, actually."  

Yuri stared at the man for a moment, not sure if he had really heard what he had just heard. But Georgi was still standing before him, intensively thinking about the situation.  

"What the fuck did you say?"

"Oh, I mean, you still skate like a damn goddess –DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, you were the prima ballerina after all!"  

"SPIT IT ALREADY POPOVITCH!"

"But that's a bit weird, I mean, you're stiff and all that, like, well, I mean, that's just why I'm asking? You look so uncomfortable with your body right now, that's the weirdest thing I've ever seen from you!"

"Shitty bast--"  

But Mila's hand suddenly on the top of his head stopped Yurio in his incoming colorful cursing litany toward Georgi. Her fingers were cold and her looks concerned.  

"What?" He growled.  

But she only shrugged a little with a small odd smile –and for once he was prtty sure it wasn't made out of pity.  

"Georgi, go train somewhere else," she said. "And leave us some room, ok?"  

"What the...Yeah, ok, ok!"  

The man mumbled when she scowled him a death glare, and Yuri could swear that he wouldn't have looked better himself at that 'dark eyes' game. Once Georgi was gone, or at least far away enough for her liking, she turned back to him.  

"So..." She grinned at the boy, stretching a little on place, arms above her head. "What can't you do anymore?"

Yuri frowned deeply. "I didn't say I--"

"I said," she cut out. "What can't you do anymore?"  

He clenched his jaw, almost painfully, silent for a few good seconds as she was staring at him. "Mila, I--"

"Don't you want to dance with Otabek?"  

The question suddenly went out, lingering in the air for a moment as he froze. Before he knew it, she had put her arm around his neck, body close enough to his and wa whispering to hi ear. Her breath was hot, like damn, how could she be like that when the place was made of ice?  

"I'm here to teach you, Yuri," she murmured. "So, don't you want it? Dancing with him? Do you really think that you're powerful enough to be paired with the guy?"  

Powerful was the word. Yuri gulped despite himself at the memory of the srong body evoluating on the ice and Mila scoffed a little at his discreet reaction.  

"Now, you'd only be a pain in the ass for him, ok? You don't fit his style at all, and as I'm the one who know the choreo, I can tell that you have a lot to do in such a few time, baby tiger..."  

She laughed a little more openly at his decomposed expression, especially when his green eyes were looking for an escape on her face. She suddenly burst into a huge laughter this time, and gave a big hit in his back with her hand, making his cough so hard that he thought he was going to spit out his lungs.  

"Don't make such a face, babe!" She said. From the distance, Georgi was giving them a curious look, full with his lack of understanding. She didn't give him any attention.  

Yuri sighed, this time without holding hmself back. As tired as he was, Mila's words had made their way to his brain and he could feel the hint of excitment making his guts twitch with need.  

"Why are you doing this?" He asked.  

"Victor told me," she shrugged and he winced a little. "Plus, it's pretty funny to see you in this situation. And somehow..."  

She leaned a little, back to his ear. Her nose brushed against his lob and he gulped softly at the feeling. Dears.  

"...I wonder how Otabek would answer to such a strong and amazing danse with you, don't you?"

[marlaalcott]

I'm going to make a post about OCD.

Let's start with some very very basic background story on my OCD. I have struggled with this illness for a long time. I can trace it back to as early as age 9/10. I have no recollection whether it existed beforehand, but even as a child I could recognize that I was doing things that didn't feel "normal" without rationalized/logical explanation. I felt overwhelming compulsions to carry out the actions.

In retrospect, the earliest symptoms that I can recall aligned with the period of my life that my brother was in a near fatal car accident (that's a whole other emotional post in itself). Irregular thoughts and actions for sure started at that point.

I don't know precisely what age this began, or if it existed before said car accident, but I also remember having hoarding tendencies for useless inanimate objects. I shared a bedroom with my brother, and in it we had these 2 dressers that were stacked on top of each other (we didn't have a lot of space). The open area/gap that existed between the dressers became a storage place for me. I used to put a lot of stuff in there. Most of it was useless crap. For example: I remember saving wrappers from Spice Girl bubblegum and lollipops.

There was also a time in my early teens that I used to save transit tickets. I legit was able to pick up any given transfer, look at the time and date, and remember exactly where I went and who I was with. They held sentiment and served as keepsakes.

Fast forward through my mid teenage years. I seemed to have fought off my illness for the most part during this period. By the time I met my life partner in my late teens, he described my outwardly strange actions as nothing more than "quirks". Yes. He agreed that some of the stuff I did seemed strange, but not outright crazy.

In my early 20's I had a full on OCD crash. The illness litterally consumed my entire existence. The 2 people who were closest to me watched and stood by as my sanity crumbled like the Roman Empire. I was lost. I was a shell of myself. It was rock bottom at that point in my life. My own personal hell. Something I would never wish on anyone. I strongly believe this was also the catalyst for the demise of my romantic relationship. My illness drove away the one person I loved more than anyone or anything in the world. And that fucking sucks. (More on that another day!).

Anyways. Let's fast forward to the present. I have tried my best to keep it under wraps the best that I can since way back then. It comes and goes varying severity, but luckily it hasn't been anything nearly as bad as back then. I battle it every waking moment of my existence.

Now let's speed up to the past few days. An incident took place Monday night/into Tuesday, that I'm not OK with. I entered into it willingly. Nothing "wrong" happened per se, but fuck if I felt anything but wrong afterwards. Here's some more back story to my current life and the situation at hand. I have spent the past year and a half living in denial of my still existent love for my ex. He broke up with me last May, and we have had nothing short of a rocky road since. We are 2 puzzle pieces that no longer fit together (there will be numerous posts on the topic of my heartache in the future). Not too long after we split, I had a sexual encounter that I consider non consensual. I refuse to classify it as r*pe due to the intense ramifications of that definition, but what took place was certainly not OK. To say the least. (Side note, that guy is a douchebag). I didn't handle the aftermath of that incident well. I made an effort to seek the help that I needed, but it fell through due to horrible management who denied my request to go to hospital emergency (because y'know. My 4 hour shift in a part time retail environment was the most important thing in the world!). Ugh.

Time carried on, and I fought through each passing day with mounting hurt and emotional trauma that stemmed from the devastation of the loss of a marriage (essentially), and then the non consensual scenario. Somehow I've made it through the last year running from all of this fuckery.

Yesterday a snippet of the buried trauma came creeping back in. I turned to 4 of my close friends for consoling. It was needed. I gained 4 different insights to try and put the situation into perspective. At the end of the day the most important questions were "Why do I feel guilty?" "Why do I have so much anxiety?" "Why do I feel "icky/dirty"?" The shitty thing is that I couldn't answer any of these questions with any amount of definitive clarity.

I have learned a few things though: I am NOT ready for sexual relations with any new human beings. As it turns out, I value sex as more of a sacred and spiritual connectiveness act than I previously thought I did. My heart and body still metaphorically belong to someone else (even though in reality they are MINE). I also believe that I need to be in love and part of an established relationship before I can consider engaging in any sexual acts. I need a foundation.

I didn't get any sleep Monday night. (Half an hour in and out consciousness if I'm lucky). But fuck if my OCD didn't kick my ass. My primary struggles are "contamination" oriented, coupled with magical thinking (I'll make a separate post with a more in depth definition of magical thinking). When those 2 are combined, you get me as a result! And God damn it is hell on earth.

Here's what happened. And I don't expect anyone to understand any of this (unless you have OCD as well).

I came home and headed straight into my room (as I usually do) to remove my boots and socks. My dogs came to greet me and tried to give me kisses, but I denied said kisses because I didn't want "oral sex germs" on my babies. I headed into the shower, got out, and then continued to commence my usual after shower routine. Here's where shit started to hit the fan. I grabbed a cotton pad and sprayed my toner onto it to wipe my face, and BAM. Magical thinking contamination OCD brain kicked in! I thought to myself "I haven't brushed my teeth yet. The inside of my mouth is still contaminated. What if the cotton pad spread those still existent germs onto my clean face?". I tried to ignore my irrational concerns and carried on. I applied moisturizer and the rest of my face products, put hair product in my hair, deodorant on the pits, I peed, then I exited the bathroom and got dressed. When I was done all that I acquired my toothbrush and brought it back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I finished brushing, I broke down. I used hand soap to rewash my entire face, but I couldn't shake the feelings that my face was contaminated. So back into the shower I went! 2 showers. 2 FUCKING SHOWERS. FML. And when I got out the second time, I had a hard time believing that I even brushed my teeth to begin with (yay magical thinking brain for being able to convince myself of untruths!). I got through it all and went out to see a friend, but when I got home my anxiety was still fucked and I felt unsafe in my bed.

I got lots of MUCH NEEDED sleep, but I still felt "scared" of my bedding when I woke up. That fear did not diminish with the sleep. Remember how I said I took off my boots when I got home? Yeah. My "dirty" clothes touched my bedding. *Gasp*

I was supposed to see a couple of close friends today, but she had to cancel. So I succumbed to my OCD! I full spiraled. Like I did years ago. I legitimately felt my brain unraveling into that same insanity. I recognized this place. I have been there before. And my biggest fear is falling right off the rails again.

After I was cancelled on, I didn't know what to do with myself or my day. I was also emotionally worked up and anxious, because I had just looked at my exes Facebook page (this is a form of self harm for me. Seeing his public flirtations with his new love interest, is more than I can handle at this time in my life). So into the wash half of my bedding goes! And then I hopped back into the shower, sat down, and cried under the running hot water while asking higher powers to help me. All in all I have rewashed bedding that was already cleaned not even a week ago along with some clothing (clothing that included what I wore into the hotel Monday night), and showered twice. Totally unnecessary, but fuck. At least I feel calmer.

I think my OCD is coming back into play as a control mechanism. My ex is building a new life for himself along with a new partner, and it's my mind's way of easing itself. Everything is falling apart (hopefully to eventually come back together), and my illness is resurfacing in attempts to regain some kind of power. (I'm scared of my toothbrush btw).

I believe suppressed feelings of my non consensual sexual encounter from last year also resurfaced yesterday. Disclaimer: This incident was with someone I know and trust. It wasn't "wrong", but it felt wrong for me. I am NOT someone who can do the whole NSA/FWB thing. I learned about myself!

The guy I was with even made a few comments along the way of being concerned about my fragility. Turns out, he was right! I guess he knows aspects of myself better than I even do. :(

Today was a huge OCD failure. I NEED a psychiatrist referral. I don't want to go back to my dark place.

[v-le]

My Trip to S. Korea (5/25/16 - 6/2/16)

Hello, friends!! I am back! Ahaha I have several posts that I’ve been wanting to make, but this one in particular has been fueling my interest more than ever these days. Rather than a review or a rant, this post is simply.. a log? :)

On May 25th of last year, I had the opportunity to travel to Korea as a 16 year old junior. I left school a week and a half earlier than everyone else, but it wasn’t just for fun. I was a part of IVSBP, the Interact Vietnam Soccer Ball Project (s/o to my wonderful team: Rotarians Nick, Marriane, Avis, and Sue, Roteractor Oliver, & fellow Interactors Gina and Abdul), a service project that aimed to bring the power of play to less fortunate children in Vietnam. In 2016, the Rotary International Convention (RICON) was being held in Korea, and I was blessed enough to be a part of the team that represented IVSBP with its very own booth at RICON. In this place, over 45,000 Rotarians from all over the world would gather for several special days. 

Each and every day, I documented my journey by quickly (and messily) scribbling each entry onto a currency conversion diagram paper that was partially cut up for reasons I cannot recall. Here is my 7-day “diary”, as transcribed word for word from the paper itself, with extra commentary below each entry:

Day 1

Arrive in Seoul Incheon + struggle tremendously to find driver. Astounded/fascinated/freaked out by tons of tall apts. Notes smog. Eat funky dinner w/ ppl, walked late at night.

Yes, I was admittedly spooked by the massive apartments that stretched on and on for as long as the eye could see LOL. The drive from Incheon to Seoul was one that I will never forget. That foreign feeling of being in a country that I dreamed about so many times makes my heart bulge with longing excitement. Also, our lodging was an Airbnb located in the heart of Gangnam. And so, our first night-walk was one that I wished could last forever.

Day 2

Wake at 6:45 am. Go to convention to set up. Kintex was rly cool. Cooler empty. Ate lunch (self-service). slow business. Went home to rest. Took metro home b/c no shuttles running. Took a long ass time & struggled little bit but managed to get it down. Went to COEX. Good shops, not enough time. Son Hoyoung fansigning + mini stage. Ate kbbq alone + did well even though scary. Home @ 11:30. 1:30 am sleep.

RICON was not held in Seoul, but rather in Goyang, which is a city about an hour away from Seoul. Kintex is the convention center, a massive two-structure building, with its own restaurants inside. To this day, I have spotted several shows / dramas / music videos that were filmed at Kintex as well. The Korean metro system is hands down my favorite part about Korea. It is very affordable, convenient, & easy to use once you get the hang of it. My team and I struggled a little bit at first because we were confused by the questionable red/green colors for some stops & routes, but I quickly realized it simply meant express versus “all-stop”. Myself and two others managed to go to the COEX Mall by metro, which was about a mile from our own apartment. One of my goals for Korea was to see a celebrity randomly, and it just so happened on our first full day! I was shopping in Aland with my friend when she suddenly ran up to me and said “Vanessa, Vanessa come look over here, come with me, there is someone singing outside!!”. We hurried outside, and there was Son Hoyoung, promoting his solo album with a mini fansigning event! After shopping, we wandered the streets of Gangnam once again, settling on a random bbq place for dinner. We were just 3 measly American high schoolers in a foreign country, but we ordered, ate, and paid for everything with ease. It was quite an exhilarating experience.

Day 3

Wake 6:45 am. Preconvention. Slow business. (BTW saw Music Works notice about Song yoo bin busking the night before --> day goal: leave & get to COEX by 6 pm) Talked to lotsa ppl. Managed to rush to shuttle station 9 @ 5 pm. Very late bus out of all 20 stations. Eventually wound up @ COEX at 7:20 pm w/ a very distraught heart. Went & finished COEX shopping. Struggled to eat stew at place w/o menu. Abdul + soju = dafuq is wrong w/ you; gtfo. 1:30 am sleep.

Ah yes, this day will go down as one of the most frustrating/ stressful/ depressing days I have ever experienced. RICON offers 20 different shuttle stations, each w/ their own buses & unique routes that run all throughout Seoul. The one that was crucial for me that day was Station 9, specifically at 5 pm. I remember stressing out the entire day about how we could get permission to leave early enough, which route to use, and simply making it to Song Yubin’s event with ease. And yes, I was able to successfully figure all that out throughout the day’s activities. It was just up to the bus to take us there. Unfortunately, although each station should have had buses running every 15 minutes starting from 5 pm & onward, Station 9′s bus was late to begin with. In fact, there was just one bus at first, but it filled quickly, and with only 3 seats left, we didn’t want to separate our group of 4, so we decided to wait for the next bus that would come in “5″ minutes. Those “5″ minutes trickled into the longest hour of my life. I remember standing in the burning sun, looking towards the end of the street the entire time, keeping my eyes peeled, standing on my tippie toes, my forehead sweating, my face twisting into distress as each minute passed. We finally made it onto the bus around 6:10. Yubin’s event started at 6. I remember falling asleep on the bus ride there, but waking up every ten minutes or so, just to see if we could still make it. By the time we walked out into COEX’s exhibition hall (the same one that Son Hoyoung was at the day before), it was completely empty. I didn’t cry because I wasn’t that petty, but.... I definitely felt extremely down. I had completely missed a once in a lifetime opportunity. To see one of my favorite, young & talented vocalists before he became popular and ventured into the kpop-idol scene. There was just some terrible kinda fate happening that day, in which the world just really didn’t want me to see him. For dinner, us 4 wandered around Gangnam again, but settled for something closer to our apt. It had no English menus nor pictures at all. And so once again (the other time would be the metro debacle), my handy dandy Korean-reading skills helped us out, and we barely managed to order various ... ingredients?? (only ones that I understood, though) that all went together in some sort of soup... To this day, I’m not really sure what we ate, but I remember it tasted delicious nonetheless.

Day 4

Same wake. Opening ceremony cool = k-tigers + Lena Park. Sleep-inducing speeches. Arrived back to booth @ 1 pm. Mango six yucky bubble tea. Left to Namsan. Actually used diff shuttle route + taxi to end up @ Namsan cable car. Went to tower. Managed to wander into Myeongdong. V cool. Metro home.

RICON officially begins! Lena Park performed and I was awestruck. At the convention, there are hundreds of different kind of volunteers, and some of them aid convention-goers with travels going to and from Kintex. We asked about getting to COEX the day before, and this time, we came back to ask about getting to Namsan, because my friend especially wanted to go there. I remember hearing the girls behind the table whisper about how we were just using them for our own personal, mini adventures, and I started to feel a bit embarrassed ahah. Regardless, the shuttle we took didn’t take us directly to the cable car site; we had to take a taxi after it dropped us off. I remember we struggled immensely with flagging it down and relaying our destination, but the driver thankfully understood perfectly, and took us right to the cable cars. From there, it was smooth sailing to the tower. It was very dreamlike, arriving at the top as the sun was setting, and leaving when the night had settled in completely. I remember taking a panoramic picture of the view, which I later used (and still use) as my facebook cover photo LOL. Wandering to Myeongdong was also quite the adventure, for we tried asking a civilian about “Myeongdong market” or something, but could not receive any helpful advice. If anything, I think we simply wandered farther into the city around Namsan, and *poof* there we stood in the middle of all the stores. And of course, we conveniently used the metro to make our way back home from there.

Day 5

6 am wake WTF?!?! Still left @ 7:30 anyway. V tired today. Kept falling asleep + lightheaded. Ate 떡볶이 & fell asleep disgustingly. Waited excruciatingly long for Nick to decide to go home. Left @ 5:30. Got back to station @ 7:15. Ate expensive bbq. 쌈 so good. Ate the snow w/ signatures like 정유미, 인순이, 박서준, 유아인 etc. 100% milk! Very nice lady :) . Gong cha jumbo. cool. Night @ 12 am for once.

By this time, the long days were getting to us, and we were thoroughly exhausted. However, dinner was quite fun, we ate with other convention-goers from the Bay Area as well. To this day, whenever I eat 쌈(ssam), it never compares to the kind I ate in Korea, and I have immediate withdrawals. And im not sure why i decided to write those names in Korean, but yes, the bingsoo place we stopped by had various signatures of celebs plastered around the walls, like Jung Yoo Mi, Insooni, Park Seo Joon, Yoo Ah In, and more. The “ice” was made of 100% milk, which was the entire shop’s selling point, & it was delish. Also, I, of course, had to get my pmt fix at the gong cha located near our apt. too.

Day 6

STOP waking us @ 6!!! Went about the usual day. Learned about fire w/ DC advisers :( . Ate frozen sticky dog for lunch. Fell asleep a lot still. Oliver felt much better: Myeongdong! The travel/transportation ladies seemed to dislike us so we managed to find proper shuttle. Shopped for a while. Felt rly sad that I couldn’t find good stuff for EZ. Going broke. Ate 김�� 볶음밥! Yummy! w/ cheeseee. So full; couldn’t finish. Store ppl are scary. Very late. Everyone exhausted except for me. Got home 12:30. Slept 2:15. *written on the side* Gina lost her phone :( . 

Not a super eventful day, but we went back to Myeongdong again because we felt like we didn’t have enough time to fully explore the first time we were there. Once again, whenever I eat some form of kimchi fried rice here in the states, it never ever ever compares to the kind we had that night. Literally the best fried rice I ever had. Cheap and generously filled, too. Our team was dead tired by the night, as in they kept falling asleep on the subway LOL. Except I stayed alert, out of duty, amusement, and just pure excitement for another deep night in Seoul.

Day 7

Leftovers for breakfast. Very slow day @ convention. Left later than usual. Fell asleep @ booth a lot. Closing ceremony PSY, but everyone else was p lame. Ravi’s speech was very sleep-inducing; I’m sorry :( . Went to shuttle + left @ 8 pm. Ate super expensive dinner beef 한우 w/ M & N. They r weird. Service 짬뽕! But too spicy. Large Gong cha @ 10 pm; only 5 bucks left :( . But Nick paid for the pmt. Its 1:30 am rn but we gotta wake at 3 am b/c flight @ 7:30 am. I GOT MY PERIOD, FUCK!!!

And that, is how I ended my last log in Korea LOL. The leftovers for breakfast refer to the kimchi fried rice leftovers ahaha. Getting to see PSY was also pretty cool. I’m not sure why I said “beef 한우(hanwoo)“, but yes, it was quite expensive, where like 1 of the slabs of meat costed about 50,000 won! But this restaurant was also where I finally got to experience the concept of “service” in which they gave us free food :’) Also,I’m not sure why I said 5 bucks, but I meant 5,000 won ahaha. Having a flight late at night was quite exciting, for the Seoul nights were my favorite kind of memory overall. Or rather, they were all I really had since I spent all my days at RICON.

Welp, this ended up wayyyy longer than i anticipated, but it was honestly really refreshing to go over some memories that happened over a year ago. Although this trip was mainly for RICON, I had the amazing opportunity to delve into the culture that I had only seen countless times through a computer screen. As Oliver had said, we were volunteers by day, & tourists by night. I enjoyed my time more than I ever expected, and I have promised myself that I will go back. Soon.

Thank you, sk, for treating us so well.

[bjornartesttest]

Februar, 2017

Its about one year since my last post, so I will start this of with a little sum-up about whats been going on in my life since march last year. 

In my last post I left it of stating that I was going to chill with the boys, and focus on work. I guess I didnt completely manage to ive up to that. Having that said, Ive been more true to my self then I have in the past at least. The bouS:

Max: 

We met a few times on dates, we had a one-night stand and we also went for a walk. I was always a bit scared to get to into him, as it was clear hw wanted to get out of Norway and see the world. And thats what he did He moved to Germany this fall, I think he is haveing a good time there. Good for him!

Pål:

Me and Pål are still friends, though there is something about our chemistry that always ends up with flirting. I think he is still into me. I have a tendency to always reject him in a nice way. He respects it though, and I dont think I am taking advantage of him. I met him last night on his birthday, wich was nice. I dod make sure to go home before I got too drunk though.. We also meet every second month or so though a dinner club we have started with common good freind Siri. Very nice. 

Steffen:

We were supposed to meet up again and have some fun a few weeks ago, but hew then all of a sudden had started to date his old summer fling and called it of. Not very suprsing I must say. Speaking of, it might also have something to do with the fact that I dated his ex boyfriend this summer. I found out about it on the last date I had with the guy (whom I cant remember the name of anymore). A very handsome architect in his late 30s. It was sort of a turn-of for us both that we had been with the same guy though I think. More about that later

Other boys:

Marius:

Marous I met around May/June last year. Hes a 36 year old nurse, wirking with HIV at Olafia clinic in Oslo. Marius is in many ways a bit like me. POsitive, firendly, medium self confidence, creative, a bit weird, tall. We were a really good match, and had some very nice dating time before the summer hoilday. For some reason though, It felt like we were a bit to simlar. Not enough friction. So- after my summer holiday when he was away, I was out dancing one night - wich leves me to Ingemar. The guy who made me understand I should not be with Marius anymore (aka I dumped him 3 weeks after I met ingmar).

Ingemar:

24 year old guy. Crazy, handsome, cute, smart and a handfull... We met at the dancefloor and then spent every nihght together for a week. Very intence, and also at the point when I was not done with Marius yet. He was ony on town for a week before he went to exchange studioes at a Architecture aschool in france. We kept in touch during fall and talked a lot on the phone. He met the fwall and kept me in the loop on his journey, wich made our connectionquote special. Somehow I really started to care for him. Whn he came home around chrsitmas, I think we were both wondering about what our connection was really about. I did not really feel a “in love” connection anymore, but I think I tried to lie to myself and try to convince myself that I did. Maybe he did the smae. We met once before xmas, and then we talked and texted thoughtout the holidays about our lives. Very deep - kind of to ddep maybe? I invited him over in the beginning of december, and it kind of felt a bit forced and unromatic. At the same time, we totally opepend up so I know alot about him and vice versa. We ended up concluding with that we are better of as friends. I think thats a good thing, and it will be interesting to see how our connection will continue. Will the freindship thing come natural, or will it still be weird once in a while? Time will show. Im not 100% sure myself about how much it makes sence to be in touch...

Germain:

Me and Germain met a year ago. At that time I had decided to have a boy break, so I dodnt follow up. This fall I saw hime on Gaysir, and invited him out for a date. Hes a super cute, smart mexican 28 year old boy. Very passionate about his studies, hobbies and work, and a stable soul. I like many sides of his. Having that said, we have not met in over a month, so I am not really sure where it is going. He texts me, and want h´to hear how I am doing, but he also never have toime to meet up because of his tight schedule. I have a tight schedule, but I still manage to prioritize. Before xmas, we met maybe 5 times. Nice trios, dates, kissin, food. The last night when we were suposed to have sex was though a bit awkward. We could not go though w it, as he told me he just found out he had an STD in his throat. Aka not even kissing. Anyways, to be honest - I am not really quite sure what to di with him. Its like he is the only one I am currently “in touch” with, but if its not leading anywhere - is it perhaps better to just close the case? If I dont hear from him in a week, I am out. 

So . that was my last year with boys. A ot of very interesting boys, but nothing that really hit the right note it seems. Ive been frustrated lately, as it feels like Ive allready met all the good boys in the city, and Im getting anxous out and about as there are so many old flames anywhere I go. Fuck budies, dates, Grid faces... urgh... So - right now I am on a gay break. No applications, no onlune profiles. I even deleted my 10 year old gaysir profile...

It actually feels quite refreshing. I really needed a littel mental break, something I think is really good for me. I will try to keep it up for the next 4 weeks, before I start opening up again. I still have some fuck buddies though, wich helps. Ive meet them both now for quite some time, so it feels safe and nice. Before I started this “off face”, I was very out there. I dont think Ive ever had as much sex in my life as ive had the last 12 months. Because of this, I applied to get PREP in december. Something I ironcly got one week before I deleted my profiles. Its been great to have sex without a condom with my normal partners though. For the past month Ive taken a pill every day, but I will stop doing that and focus it around planned meetings after my next doctors appointment.

So - sum up about boys:

I met a lot of great guys, and now I feel exhausted and a bit drained and frustrated. I have forgotten how it felt to be in a realtionship and beeing cudeled every night. Definelty in a veryindepenent phase somehow. Im k´going to keep it like that for a little bit longer.

Other in life, its been a eventful year. I bought my own appartment, a lovely small place in gamlebyen. Ive spent all of my money and a lot of my time fixing it up and getting it into shape. I am quite happy with it :-)

Also, Ive had a bit of a hard year workwise. Two of my biggest projects ever did not go how I watd them to. I did not manage to stir them the way I wanted, and as a result I crashed a bit last fall mentally. I lost a lot of confidence, and started questioning everything. I dont fell like talking to much a out it, as Ive allready processed it quite well, but what that is worth mentioning though is that it made me think about a lot of things I have not thoght about in a long itme. Such as future goals, dreams, expectations to myself and what that really matters in life. 

I am writing this post now partly because I dont want myself to forget the journey I started, and what fruites I have gotten so far. What do I need to do to keep this up?

Basically, I felt frustrated and asked myself what I could do to get more focused, inspired etc. I decided to talk with a school, AHO, and their MA course in service design. I have been thinking about maybe applying there this coming fall. I also talked with one of my bosses to see if I somehow could learn and work with the same things at the office - and school myself there. To be honest - I started up very good - but have not been good at follwing up. I will keep this in mind on my “goals list” in the end of this post. 

Ive started working as a voluntair at Sjekkpungt, something thta has been very intersting so far. My role is to test people for HIV. So far Ive only been and the workshops, but in a months time, I will start testing people myself. Looking forward to that. 

Ive gotten active in Grafill, and their graphic design group. So far its been really fun. I might take of the the spot as lader of the group ina months time, wich is great. I would love to be more active with those kind of issues. 

Work has btw been quite nice now after XMAS. Ive finished all my projects in time, and delivered fairly well on all of them I think. 

Ive also managed to get two freelance gigs. One for Stanavger Kunssenter, and one for Tableau. I really enjoy working on them both, now I just need to do them!

Other then that, Ive been hitting the gym A LOT lately, and I am slowly starting to get results. Body feels more toned, and I am starting to get quite comfertable with how I look. I will do what I can to keep it up!

SO - to do list:

- Stay of apps for anohter few weeks

- Give Germain one week to make up his mind, then be straight forward and move on.

- Keep up the gym - six pack by april (text PT)

- Have FUN with freelance work. Focus hard the next few days. Finish webshop, email Katrin, make “shop” logo.

- Start developing the Geology project - Morteza? Karoline?

- Applyi for AHO!!

- Start thinking about potential moves next fall.. Copenhagen? AHO? Other opertunities?

- FInd out how to do more teaching. Who to talk with?

- Read service design books

- Visit Silje

- Eat soup

- Russia

- pay down Mastercard by MAY