#i mean he also screams for Michael which MAKES ABSOLUTE SENSE THAT'S HIS SON

[astramachina]

reddit post stating that "the noise at the red lake in UCN sounds like Scott screaming into a fan" making me insane like okay so you're saying Scott himself made the decision to have William scream for Henry while being tormented cool cool cool i can't believe i have to live with this knowledge for all of eternity thank you

[absolutepokemontrash]

MC is Half-Demon and They Look Awfully Familiar Part 2!

Part 1 Lessons 1-5 Lessons 5-6 Group Retreat Lessons 10-12 Lessons 13-15 Part 3 Part 4

Okay, They’re Your Cousins but You’re Not Sure How They’re Related to You...

(Barbatos, Simeon, Solomon, and Luke)

(It’s mostly Luke)

Barbs likes smol Lucifer. Smol Lucifer likes Barbs. They bake together with Luke. MC nearly set the kitchen on fire. MC needed to learn to cook.

MC is forever delegated to mixing duty because they refuse to admit that they don’t know how to work the oven.

Simeon is the one telling MC embarrassing stories about Lucifer and the rest of the Student Council from when they were all angels. Lucifer never hated Simeon more than when he found out that Simeon told MC about how hard Lucifer cried when he got to hold baby Mammon for the first time. MC was sworn to secrecy.

Well... sworn to secrecy, but if Uncle Mammon just happened to find out through a series of coincidences it wouldn’t be MC’s fault, right?

Simeon also tried to help teach MC to fly... but he kept distracting them with stories about Lucifer and Michael learning to fly.

“So my father was even WORSE than he told me he was?!”

“Yes, he actually challenged Michael and Raphael to a race at one point. Lucifer ended up slamming directly into a wall because he didn’t know how to stop.”

“SIMEON!”

Solomon was absolutely fascinated with MC. How did their half demon half human nature affect their reaction to certain spells and potions? Do half demons have more or less magical strength than normal demons? Can half demons make pacts with humans? Wait- Lucifer why are you taking MC away they were talking- Lucifer!

Immortal troll needs to troll. MC is the unwitting victim of many of Solomon’s shenanigans.

“Why must I speak in rhymes?! This is the end of times!”

“MC, just stop talking.”

“Father, I don’t mean to be a bother but-”

“So the rhyming spell works the same on half demons... interesting...”

“Solomon...”

“I’m leaving, Lucifer. I’m leaving!”

Aw! Two kids in the Devildom! They were fast friends. Sure, Luke was a little annoying and MC was a bit of a dick, but their mutual smallness and desire to impress their parental figures brought them together.

“Michael’s just so cool and amazing! The way he flies, the way he commands everyone... I want to be just like him someday!”

“Is that why you’re making a cake?”

“Michael has a sweet tooth, and I want to impress him.”

“I wonder if Lucifer likes sweets...”

“Why would you want to give HIM sweets?”

MC just gave Luke a toothy grin and started making the dough for the cake.

Remember back in Lucifer’s section where I said MC would keep their lineage a secret to freak people out? Yeah... they kept it from Luke. At first it was a joke! They were going to tell him! They just uh... it got really awkward. They planned on revealing it to Luke right after they learned how to properly fly so they could swoop in, pick their angel buddy up and zip the two of them to school. It’d freak Luke out at first, but it was meant to be funny! MC would have even sung the song from Aladdin! It um... didn’t turn out that way.

“Hey! What the hell do you think you’re doing?” MC growled at the lesser demons that were crowding Luke.

“O-oh... uh... nuh-nothing...” a few of the demons backed off, mumbling a few harried apologies to MC as they scurried away. The remaining demons seemed a tad more... hmm... they say there’s a fine line between bravery and stupidity.

“M-MC! You can’t fight demons! I’m an angel I-I c-can...” Luke sniffled, but tried his best to step in front of MC.

“Oh please, the little half-breed and the lowest ranked angel are going to put up a fight?” One of the demons jeered, a few of the remaining demons joined in.

MC’s eyes narrowed, their glare as cold as the worst winter storm. “I’m going to tell you once, and once only,”

Their wings sprouted from their back, horns now fully grown and on display, teeth sharper and glistening in the light. Hm, it seemed half demons could make their eyes glow too, how delightful.

MC gave the other demons a sweet smile, it would have been comforting if it weren’t for the amount of teeth they were showing off. They lazily placed their hand on Luke’s head and lightly moved him out of the way.

“Leave, or I will make you regret ever crossing us exchange students.” MC’s carefree smile couldn’t mask the malice that coated every single word that left their lips. “Run along now, you’re not needed here.”

The demon that had started the taunts stiffened, he looked from MC, to Luke, to the other demons, before scoffing and shaking his head. “Whatever, the two of them aren’t worth it anyway...”

When the offending demons weren’t leaving fast enough for MC’s liking, they snapped their fingers and shot a fireball right behind the fleeing demons’ feet. They cleared out pretty quickly after that.

“Luke?” MC turned to look at their friend. “Are you...”

Luke was backing away. That look in his eyes, he was... scared. Scared of MC...

“Y-you’re a d-demon?” He whimpered, taking another step back.

“Half demon, actually.” MC let their demonic elements disappear. “I meant to tell you, I really did! It just was never the right time-”

“You lied to me! You said you were human! But you’re a demon like the rest of them!” Luke shouted, he wiped at his eye with his sleeve and sniffled. “I tried to help you, but you just..! I thought you were my friend!”

“Luke- hang on!” MC took a few steps forward, but Luke was already running away. MC felt something twist in their gut, something awful. That ball of innate pride twisted and practically screamed, filling MC’s head.

“He’s not worth it!”

“You’re above him anyway...”

“If he can’t understand how perfect you are, he doesn’t deserve your kindness.”

“Don’t grovel for his forgiveness. He’s beneath you.”

“Your help was rejected. Let him hate you. You’re the child of one of the most powerful demons in the Devildom, who is he to make you upset?”

The thoughts filled MC’s head as they desperately tried to shut them up. They were their father’s child, their pride wouldn’t be easily combated.

“Just be quiet!” MC clawed at their head.

“You’re better than this. You’re better than this. You’re better than this-”

“Luke!” MC called out again. “I’m sorry!”

It truly was a shame that their friend didn’t understand how much an apology from MC really meant.

They guessed Luke was right, wasn’t he? Demons were nasty awful liars. MC was no different...

That hurt.

Lucifer noticed his kid was moping around, not even Detective Toe Beans could cheer them up. Mammon even came home covered in mud from a failed money-making scheme and it didn’t even make MC crack a smile! He needed to get to the bottom of this.

Upon hearing the reason for his child’s woes, he was fully ready to break down the door of Purgatory Hall and throttle the little chihuahua, but Lucifer came to his senses and realized that MC probably didn’t want that.

He teamed up with Simeon and Solomon the things he did for MC... And managed to get both Luke and MC to the Demon Lord’s Castle to hang out with Barbatos.

It didn’t take a genius to realize that Luke missed his friend too. Sure they called him a chihuahua sometimes, but they were still the bestest friend he had made during his time in the exchange program... maybe ever...

Maybe... just maybe... he overreacted. MC did protect him after all, and they never tried to hurt him...

Barbatos was fully ready to fulfill his role as Luke’s second dad and help his angel-son make up with his friend.

It may have been awkward at first, but the two had to join forces to stop Solomon from getting within a hundred metres of the kitchen. Nothing brings two people back together more than fear for your tastebuds.

Mission success. Lucifer could relax knowing that his kid and the chihuahua were back to being friends. Maybe MC could convince Luke to quiet his infernal yapping... Lucifer was trying to work here!

For some extra fluff, after many days of asking and asking, Lucifer and Simeon agree to take Luke and MC up to the human world for Halloween. They got to go trick or treating, and everyone complimented MC and Luke on their ‘costumes’.

*insert sitcom laugh track here*

Sure, it may have been a little immoral for MC to use their powers to manipulate the humans into giving Luke and MC more candy but... candy...

Oh shit would you look at the time- they had to get back to the Devildom for Diavolo’s birthday party- MC STOP WITH THE CHOCOLATE! THE SIGN SAYS TAKE ONE! DON’T BE LIKE MAMMON.

The exchange year had been a success. Well... sort of. MC wasn’t exactly the average Joe human the Student Council expected, which is why after a lengthy break where MC went back to the human world to visit their other parent and human friends, the seven rulers of Hell (+MC) were sitting and waiting for the new exchange students to arrive.

Unlike the previous year, the entire student council was present. That included Levi who they had to physically drag there, Belphie who was carried there and had to be placed in his seat because he was completely passed out, and finally Mammon, he just had to be threatened.

“Father,” MC pouted from their seat next to Lucifer. “Why isn’t my chair as big as yours?”

Lucifer sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Because you’re much shorter than me. You can have a bigger chair when you grow a few more inches.”

“Mmm...” MC murmured, crossing their arms. “Are the students going to get here, or what?”

“Can you be patient?” Lucifer asked. “They’ll be here any moment now. I can trust that you’ll behave, right?”

MC looked scandalized, placing a hand over their heart and gasping. “Father! Of course! I’ll be the most polite person these humans have ever met!”

Not so deep down, Lucifer severely doubted that.

“Come now, Lucifer and MC!” Diavolo said from his elevated seat. “It’s almost eight am!”

Right on schedule the portal opened, two sets of screams followed.

“The next big priority should be making the trip more comfortable.” MC huffed. “It’s demeaning getting dropped straight down like that and just slamming into the floor.”

“Hm.” Lucifer rolled his eyes. “Perhaps instead we can just teleport them up to the Celestial Realm, start a war, and have them crash through not one, not two, but all three barriers between the realms with no portal.”

“Father...” MC matched Lucifer’s eye roll. “That has the same energy as ‘when I was your age I walked to school 100 miles through a blizzard!’ The polite thing to do for the exchange students is to not let them hit the floor at 100 mph and possibly give them a concussion.”

And slam straight onto the floor the two other exchange students did. Well, one of them slammed right into the marble, the other had tried in vain to use their wings to slow their decent or fly back up.

Wait...

WINGS?!

WAIT THE OTHER HAD HORNS?!

THEY BOTH HAD-

Oh and would you look at that... one looked like... and the other looked like-

Shitballs.

Lucifer had to keep himself from actually shouting in frustration. One normal day... one day of no exchange student issues was all he asked for...

“Out of over ten million candidates out of over eight billion humans...” Lucifer grumbled. “How in my father’s name did this happen again?”

(OOOOOOOOOO SEQUEL BAIT!)

[sleepymarmot]

Opinion: MAG 187 doesn’t invalidate Helen’s more sympathetic moments

It is possible to interpret the episode as retconning everything the Distortion has ever said and done into a manipulation targeted at Jon, which would undo the character’s complexity and make them revolve entirely around the protagonist. The key for this interpretation seems to lie in the following exchange: 

ARCHIVIST You worked to hurt us and help us, all with the same smile, until we can barely tell one from the other. Keeping us off-balance, constantly second-guessing our own opinions of you. Never quite crossing a line we could never forgive, but never putting yourself on the line either. And when one face finally stopped smiling, you just changed the face.

HELEN Fine. So if that’s all true… why? Why would I do any of that? What’s my actual motive?

ARCHIVIST I don’t think you even have one. It’s just what you are.

But I don’t think most of what was said here is new information.

Let’s go back to season 3. Here’s how the newborn Helen Distortion explains her identity:

HELEN Michael isn’t me. Not now.

ARCHIVIST What happened?

HELEN He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me. Lost my way.

In other words, the Distortion’s modus operandi is a long, long game of cat and mouse (see also: MAG 146 Threshold). Michael got sidetracked by his (or Michael Shelley’s) revenge against the Archivist(s) and decided to actually kill the mouse. But it was unnatural for the Distortion, so it shook off the troublesome identity, and Helen was both an instrument to get rid of Michael and a continuation of what was started by him and worked so well.

ARCHIVIST A-are you still going to kill me?

HELEN No. That was Michael’s desire, not mine.

The Distortion doesn’t want to send the Archivist into its corridors. Why would it, when it’s so rewarding to misdirect and mess with him in other ways?

Now, for episode 115.

HELEN I… I’m not… I’m not entirely sure. I’m… having trouble. I don’t think I was meant to be Helen.

ARCHIVIST I’m – I don’t understand.

HELEN Neither do I. Michael was… pulling away. His anger was interfering. I don’t, I don’t think I have a choice but to be Helen. Self is difficult.

ARCHIVIST Michael, he, uh, he, he wasn’t meant to be you either, though, was he?

HELEN No.

There’s an internal conflict between Helen and the Distortion -- just like there was between Michael and the Distortion. I don’t think the new episode invalidates or undoes that. On the contrary: it restated that Michael strayed from the Distortion’s purpose, which means Helen could have done the same.

HELEN Something happened when I became ‘Helen’. She wasn’t right, she wasn’t ready.

ARCHIVIST I don’t…

HELEN Before, talking to you made Helen feel better.

ARCHIVIST You’re not that Helen!

HELEN I just want… I just want to feel better.

Helen was supposed to be a meal that replenished the Distortion’s energy. But it seems that the food was not as fully digested as the Distortion would prefer, and tried to bite back.

ARCHIVIST Wh-what? Why should I believe… a-a-any of this? You’ve told me over and over that you’re… what was the phrase? The ‘throat of delusion’? All of this is –

HELEN I have never told you a lie, Archivist. I wouldn’t dare. I, I just thought you might understand.

ARCHIVIST Uh… How could I possibly…

HELEN We’re both changing, Archivist. I had hoped, that together –

The Distortion has never lied (and now we know why). The Distortion has truly changed. Its new face genuinely wanted Jon’s company, just like the previous face had wanted him dead. But both faces interact with Jon in a way that leaves him confused and upset, because such is their nature.

In MAG 131, Helen insists that her identity is not a mask but a new but inseparable part of herself. As we now know, she is not lying: 

ARCHIVIST

You’re still wearing her face.

HELEN

Not this again. I’m not “wearing” anything, Archivist. I am at least as much ‘Helen Richardson’ as you are the ‘Jonathan Sims’ that first joined this Institute. Things change. People change. It happens.

We get a double confirmation that Helen is different from the Distortion’s previous incarnations in MAG 146, in the words of both Helen and her victim:

This wasn’t like before; there was no playfulness here, none of that malicious joy that I had always felt coming off it. Now there was just a cold hunger, a deep anger, as though I had no right to just stand there looking at it. The street was silent, but I could feel it screaming at me to open it.

HELEN (all business) Oh, well; the son, I was pursuing long before I was even Michael. And technically, I didn’t eat the old man. He passed away from terror long before I got a chance to open properly.

ARCHIVIST His son Marcus – he – he was fine when I read his father’s statement two years ago, but now, suddenly, I can’t get through to him.

HELEN No. I imagine not. I decided it was time to finish that game a few months ago.

ARCHIVIST You – Why?

HELEN Not sure. I suppose Helen didn’t have quite the same attachment to him as a project. I’m not quite as much for decades-long campaigns of subtle terror these days.

ARCHIVIST (soft) That’s horrible.

HELEN Is it? We do what we need to do when it comes to feeding, don’t we? (pointed) Don’t we, Archivist?

Helen Distortion doesn’t derive joy from terrorizing people for months or years with doors. That’s just food now. Now she gets the same joy from messing with people with the help of her humanlike appearance and personality.

An often-quoted line from MAG 152:

HELEN Even if it were capable of doing so, what possible reason would the Eye have to change how you feel, when it makes no difference to your actions? Helen was like you, at first. She felt such guilt over taking people. Until one day she realized she wasn’t going to stop doing it. So she chose to stop feeling guilty.

Again, the new episode confirms two things: 1) Helen wasn’t lying. 2) Helen was telling this to Jon to make him doubt his loyalties. And again, this is not new information! She laughs at his misery and confusion very openly!

Episode 157. Jon gets a shocking reminder that Helen is Just Here To Troll:

HELEN Because I have a good enough sense of what’s going on to know that it will be much more fun without my involvement! (begins laughing)

...

ARCHIVIST Just tell me what’s going on. Please.

HELEN (gleefully) Bad things, Archivist. Really bad things.

MAG 164, Helen’s first appearance in s5. There’s so much going on, let’s try to list at least some of it: she congratulates jonmartin on their relationship, immediately tries to play them against each other, cheerfully deflects all blame onto Jon and also Georgie and Melanie, admits to betrayal, announces she wants to be friends “again”, then expresses pity that Jon isn’t hostile to her enough. Absolutely everything she does is about creating relationship chaos.

MAG 166, second encounter with Helen post-Change, and she is delighted to see disagreement between Jon and Martin unprompted by her:

MARTIN Yeah, I, I, I think we should go for it, get our murder on!

ARCHIVIST (disbelief) Sorry, what?

HELEN (surprised delight) Yes, Martin!

In MAG 177, she moves the focus of ridiculously blatant manipulation and provocation onto Basira, and also doesn’t bother to hide she enjoys scaring her “friends”:

HELEN Not interrupting anything, Am I?

MARTIN Christ, Helen, you scared the life out of me.

HELEN [Insincere] Sorry, darling.

And finally, MAG 183. By now, everyone in the scene is aware that she’s here just to get a rise out of our heroes and metaphorically eat popcorn.

MARTIN Look. Listen, I’m getting really sick of all thi–

ARCHIVIST Leave it, Martin. She’s just trying to get under your skin.

MARTIN Yeah? Well, she’s really good at it!

HELEN Aww. Thanks, sweetie. But to be honest, I’m mainly just here to see which path you choose.

Which brings us to MAG 187. We already know that Helen isn’t Jon and Martin’s “friend” as in “ally” -- she hangs out with them to provoke strong responses and sow chaos. The plot twist is that she’s not just doing it for fun, like a human would -- it is her way of avatar feeding.

The Distortion has always been a trickster. I am glad that they died this way, instead of becoming either an over-the-top villain or a reluctant hero -- before the plot could corner them into becoming one. And as Jon said, the reason Helen had to die was not her trickster nature, but the side she picked on the “Eyepocalipse: keep or cancel?” issue. 

The reveal in 187 does not contradict the information we had before, and so it doesn’t retcon or undo the complexity or character development that the Distortion had. The fact that the Distortion fed on Jon (and others’) reaction to them does not mean that they never had any motivations or thoughts beyond that. Jon says it himself: “keeping us off-balance” is not the Distortion’s motivation, it’s “who they are”, it’s the natural, instinctive way they conduct themselves. We have learned that the Distortion's behavior was Eldritch Trolling instead of Regular Trolling, that's all.

[elai-okonma]

Chapter 10. Jesus Wept

Thank you to @obeymekookie for always supporting my work<3

WARNINGS: VIOLENCE, TORTURE, SEXUAL CONTENT, ETC.

Word count: 2,064

Devildom 

  The brothers were still outside watching the light show in the sky when Diavolo spoke up, they had forgotten that he was even there. He looks to Lucifer, whose eyes were glued to the Celestial skies above. 

  “I don't understand, who would want to start another war??” 

  “Does anyone else think it suspicious that Simeon disappeared right before all this started?? I mean, it was very unlike him to leave the way he did. He looked really concerned.” 

  “Maybe so, we’ll just have to ask him when he comes back. Or better yet! Someone text him on his DDD!”

Asmodeus is the one who whips out his phone and sends the message:

Hey, do you know anything about what’s going on up in the Celestial Realm, right now??

Is it another war??

I hope you’re ok! 

Simeon??

 Hello??

 …

No answer. Asmo tries to call him, but it goes straight to voicemail. Honestly, what the fuck is going on up there?? 

Another few minutes goes by, before the black sky goes quiet. 

  “Huh… well, it seems that the fighting has stopped.”

  “Lord Diavolo, we need to finish our conversation about Belphie, but that will have to wait. If there is another Celestial war starting, then we need to find Satan, and then come up with a plan.” states Lucifer.

  “Why would we need to do that?? If there was another war, why would we need to be involved?? We don’t know if it’s directed at us, or the human realm. It could even be just amongst themselves, for all we know.” replies Diavolo. 

 Lucifer is stern with his words: “That’s right we don’t know. We don’t know anything about what just happened up there, but what I do know is that, that was Celestial Ash falling down upon us, and in all my years as an Angel I’ve never seen that. And even more, what little I have read about it, was vague. There is little to no information on it. So yeah, it might not be directed at us, but wouldn’t you rather be prepared for if it were??” 

Diavolo thinks on this. He knows Lucifer is right, his priority is the people of the Devildom. Every Demon is his responsibility. Including Satan, and Belphegor.

  “Ok, you all continue to search for Satan, I'll be leaving with Barbatos to tend to other matters back at the palace. Try to stay in the house until we figure out a plan.”

  The Lord and his butler turn to take their leave, making haste back to the castle. The two knew what they had to do. They were going to have to let Belphegor know what had happened, and even try to find out if he knew where Satan might be. They didn’t expect any type of cooperation from him though, and quite frankly the two didn’t ever want to see the youngest brothers face again. 

  “How do you suppose we go about this??” asks the Demon Lord, once they are back home.

  “Any way you’d like, my Lord. I know you never wanted to see Belphegor for as long as he lived, which is why you exiled him from the Devildom. So, however you want to go about this, I will support you.”

______________________________________________

The Celestial Realm:

  As you sit restrained on the shore, you hear Elai speak up quietly:

“MC….do you have any idea what the penalty is for attacking an Archangel…

  You stare up at your friends, not knowing what to say. What was there to say?? What was going to happen, now that you betrayed what was technically your Celestial brother. You don’t get long to think nor answer Elai’s question before you hear a loud, booming voice come from the night:

“MC!!!!!”

  Your eyes widen at the familiar voice, your hand shakily coming up to cover your mouth. The three Angels next to you flinch when they hear your name. Fuck, is the only thought you can form, the seriousness of the situation becoming more clear.

  That familiar blue light piercing through the dark sky, as you look up.

“Father…”

  It was the last word you heard before you covered your eyes to shield them from the light.

  When you open them, you notice you’re in a dark, unfamiliar room. The only light source was from your halo. It’s only when you try to walk forward, you realize you can’t. Panic starts to set in when you try your arms, but those also fail you. Looking around frantically, you crane your head around over your shoulders to try to see your surroundings but it’s no use. However, you hear metal clanking and it dawns on you that the reason you can’t move is because you’re chained up. You didn’t even notice the cold of the cuffs around your ankles and wrists. 

  Ok, let’s try to get some bearings, here…

  You tug at the cuff on your left wrist, then your right. Solid. I’m not going anywhere. Your shoulders start to ache from your arms being strung up above you, and your toes barely touch the ground. I’m suspended from my wrists. The chain, I'm assuming, goes up to the ceiling. The cuffs around my ankles are most likely chained to the floor. 

  The presence you feel behind of you now, interrupts your thoughts.

  “Who’s there?!” you call out, voice echoing of the walls.

The warm breath you feel on your ear sends a shiver up your spine. It’s followed by a low, smooth voice that makes you sick to your stomach.

  “Hello, MC…”

You don’t recognize the person, and that makes your breathing pick up, you’re scared now. 

  “W-w-who are you-u??” your voice falters, throat thick with panic.

A low pitched laugh, followed by an answer:

   “You wouldn’t know me, would you?? I’m not very talked about down in the Devildom, huh??”

  A hand runs through your hair, gripping the back of your skull. You feel another hand tracing your jawline and lips. Something warm and wet makes its way up your cheek, and you can’t stop the tears that start to flow from your eyes. 

  You try again, hoping for an answer, “who are you?!”

  The person is in front of you, now. He leans down to your ear again, “the left hand of God, the Archangel of Mercy and Redemption, the One who told Mary she would birth the son of our Father...I could go on all day with who I am, but for now, you can call me Gabriel.”

  You hear a loud crack, then feel a sting on your belly. A whip. You yelp at the sudden feeling but it’s soon followed by another, then another. You barely have time to catch your breath before you choke out:

  “I-i-is t-this my punis-shment for-r attac-cking M-michael??...”

The laughter that fills the room makes your insides knot. 

  “I would suggest not asking questions, that you really don’t want the answer to…”

  You try to steady your breathing, but with your skin itching from the welts it was almost impossible. Gabriel speaks again, this time sounding like a judge reading off a sentence.

   “...MC, for the attempted murder and assault of Archangel Michael, you are hereby sentenced to the Seven Terraces of Purgatory…”

  Another crack of the whip. You hang your head down as Gabriel continues:

  “...and after that, you are to be sent to the Labyrinth of Judas…”

  You didn’t understand what these places were, but that didn’t stop you from trying to put the words with the context. 

Judas, yes, I know who he is. 

Purgatory, I’ve heard little about it.

And Labyrinth, another word for a type of maze.

 Putting everything together made you realize just how fucked you actually were. All you could do was stay silent as the whip kept cracking down all over your body. Do you regret doing what you did?? Absolutely not. Anything for them. What could Gabriel do to you that hadn’t already been done, being tortured before being sent to the void?? An easy road to walk if it meant getting home to your Demons. 

  Sensing your newfound willingness to accept your punishment, Gabriel cracks the whip down on your face this time. You let out another yelp, and you hear the Archangel snarl. When you ready yourself for another hit, it doesn’t happen. You relax your muscles and take a shaky breath. Gabriel’s voice sounds farther away, now:

  “I bet you think you’re special, MC. I bet you think you’re going to come out of all of this unscathed. But you’re wrong. You see MC, it’s my job to send you off, but no one said when. Did you honestly think that I wouldn’t avenge my brother?? Our Father might be merciful, but I am not.”

  You decide to take this opportunity and clear some things up;

“Michael asked ME to make a pact with HIM, not the other way around. Had I known what it meant I would’ve declined the offer! I don’t regret what I did to him, and I don’t feel sorry for him, either. I hope he loses the wing that I ruined. 

  You feel that same sadistic energy from before come over you, and you look right at Gabriel. 

  “I relish in the thought of you going through all this trouble for me. You asked me if I thought I was special, and though it was obviously a rhetorical question, I’ll give you an answer anyway. I don’t think I’m special, I know I’m special. I fuck Demons, and get marriage proposals from Archangels. Do you honestly think that there won’t be repercussions for your actions here today?? Because let me tell ya, as soon as I get back to Lucifer and the others, mmmmh, it turns me on thinking of what they’ll do to you.”

  Gabriel is right in your face now, breathing heavily, and truly enjoying every minute of this interaction. 

  “Ohhhh MC, something needs to be done about that mouth of yours. I could shut you up in more ways than one, but the easiest option would be to just simply plug it up.”

  Something soft but dense enters your mouth. A ball gag, how original. You roll your eyes. He was going to have to do a hell of a lot worse than this. You hear him walk away again, but then comes right back, holding something that you thought looked like a wreath in his hand. 

  “MC, you would look absolutely stunning if you wore this…”

  You feel him slam down the sharp object onto your head, and you let out a muffled scream. A crown of fucking thorns. The action caused you to grip onto the chains that were attached to your cuffs. The feeling of your warm blood dripping down your face and head makes you laugh around the gag. 

    “You’re enjoying this way too much, MC. I didn’t know we had a masochist amongst us.”

  I you mumble through the gag.

“Hmm?? You have something you wish to say??” Gabriel pulls the gag out of your mouth, drool spilling out onto your chin, and you’re quick to correct the Archangel:

  “Sadomasochist.” you say with a confirming smile, eyes blown out and hooded with satisfaction. 

  A guttural moan slips past his lips, and you can’t help but throw your head back and laugh at him, the crown of thorns staying in place. You look back down at him, eyes meeting his gaze. 

 “My my, Gabriel, I didn’t peg you as the type to get off torturing your own kind.” 

  The instant you said it, you knew you struck a nerve. His eyes were dark and the features of his face were cold. 

  “First off MC, do not put yourself in the same ranking as me. I’m an Archangel, you are a human turned Angel. A gift given to you by my Father. Remember that when you fall. And lastly, I do not ‘get off’ on torturing my own kind, I get off on torturing you.” 

  As he shoves the ball gag back into your mouth, he draws his other hand back and slaps you across the face so hard, that the light from your halo dimmed out for a second. 

  “Now MC, what shall we do with all this time we have on our hands??”

  You shoot Gabriel your most dirtiest look, a look that says; ‘let’s play’. 

[manesh]

Circumcision is a Hate Crime

Circumcision is a Hate Crime, and it has to stop

A plea to circumcised fathers who might circumcise their sons

Why circumcised men should have mercy on themselves and their sons

Dedicated to my grandfather, who listened when he was ignorant, and taught when he was knowledgeable.

Book Outline:

1. My temptation to commit retaliatory crimes of hate

2. Circumcised men, It’s ok to have some pity on yourself

3. Hope for restoring sexual function & comfort

4. Benefits of being uncircumcised / restored / uncut

5. My memory of circumcision

6. The Book of Michael Asad Manesh

7. Genital mutilation is the worst hate crime, worse than rape and murder

8. Nuance & Errata

9. My Final Plea to Circumcised Fathers

10. A Thank You to Fathers who Choose to Protect Children

11. Afterword & Acknowledgements

1. My temptation to commit retaliatory crimes of hate

I can state, unequivocally, I hate my birth parents. They were cruel and abusive towards me all of my life, starting in my earliest days when they removed a large piece of my penis, leaving me with permanent sexual dysfunction and decades of pain and suffering. Of all the abuses inflicted on me by my parents, the mutilation of my penis was the worst and most permanent. This permanent disfigurement of my penis is called “circumcision.”

I have spent many years wrestling with my own rage, with poor sex education, coping and communication skills to express it. Any pain I communicated about my penis, both to my parents and doctors, was laughed at, mocked, and rejected.

Once, when I pointed out painful callouses that had formed on the underside of my glans due to no protective foreskin, a female nurse practitioner lied and said “all men are like that” while laughing mockingly at me. What a bitch. I still think about cutting a piece of her clitoris off, sometimes - she is on my long list of people I often consider mutilating to make them understand my pain, who were supposed to heal me but only harmed me with their hurtful lies and complete disregard for my expressions of pain.

I was born in a hateful society that oozes contempt for males who have suffered permanent genital disfigurement at the hands of their own parents.

When I was a child, I spent many hours tugging on my penis, unsuccessfully trying to regrow the missing foreskin. I would endlessly try to prod the glans, the head of my penis, back into my body, because it always felt too exposed, cold, and irritated. My parents slapped, pinched, belted and screamed at me to make me stop trying to heal my penis with tugging, telling me I was the worst child who ever lived, a literal demon.

I did not consciously understand that I had been cruelly and wickedly mutilated due to my parents’ wishes until I was 30 - I was ignorant that there was such a thing as an uncircumcised male until then. I had been kept sexually dumb by my wicked mother and father, who fed me a constant and poisonous stream of lies and misinformation, and a wicked government, that censors all information about the harms of circumcision, and images of penises, both cut and uncut, from airing on TV.

I have l lived all my life with constant, low-level rage at my mistreatment, at the permanent disfigurement I have suffered.

I have endless rage at the government of the United States, its doctors that carried out the mutilation on me, and the legal system that protects parents from revenge mutilation, but allows them to cruelly mutilate their sons in an act of pure hate - a one way system where children have no protection or recourse. A system that in 2020 drove children to record highs of suicide. A system that doesn’t even recognize the right of boys to retaliate against those who mutilate their genitals.

Of all the offenses and crimes against children, I judge mutilation the most torturous, because it is a disfigurement that one carries for the rest of their life, even if they should escape the hell of their parents and the country from which the brutal practice is allowed.

But after years of considering shooting, bombing, or mutilating in morally justifiable revenge, I have been lucky to have had enough time, safety and space to come up with a better solution than retaliatory violence.

It is my goal to persuade every human on earth that circumcising an infant boy or child is a hate crime, and a sex crime.

I am starting with adult males like me, who are circumcised, and may be considering circumcising their sons.

I admit it is mostly my hate that drives me to do this, but I have channeled that hate into the primary goal of protecting children from mutilation, and I will do that by convincing every man circumcised as a child that what was done to him was a hate crime, and a sex crime.

Fathers, before you mutilate the penises of your sons as your penis was mutilated, read this book and allow me to convince you that you suffered grievous harm, and you should not pay that harm forward to your sons.

2. Circumcised men, It’s ok to have some pity on yourself

If you were circumcised without your input or consent: have some pity on yourself. You were helpless, and defenseless. The adults that were supposed to protect you let you down. They failed you.

It is truly sad what happened to you. Ask any man- where is he most sensitive? Where does he feel the most pleasure and pain? His penis. Your most fun, enjoyable part, with the most ability to give you sexual pleasure and orgasm - much of it was cut from you in an act of pure hate, meant to sexually disfigure you and render you unable to fully enjoy an erection, masturbation, and sex.

Most men in the world do not have their genitals mutilated by their parents; you are in the unlucky minority with cruel parents that wanted to cripple your ability to experience sexual pleasure.

This is absolutely horrific, the behavior a slavedriver inflicts on his property. You have not only suffered sexual dysfunction, but extreme psychological abuse from those who tell you your mutilation was for your benefit. You have been told endlessly that circumcision makes you “clean” and “prevents infection” and “it has no negative impact on sex”, and these lies make your suffering all the worse, because it was never acknowledged by the hateful sex criminals that cut you.

If you have suffered the injury of circumcision, and then pushed the pain and irritation out of conscious awareness and stopped mentioning it because even your parents and doctors mock you and call you a liar - that is a truly sad and lonely story. It breaks my heart that you could have so much suffering, so much pain, and no one to help you heal from it.

It is ok to say to yourself, “you know what? It was terrible what happened to me. I deserve a bit of sympathy and pity. My tribe, my parents and government, failed me. The permanent pain and disfigurement I have suffered was a truly wicked thing to inflict on me as an innocent child, and I didn’t deserve it.”

As a circumcised male, you deserve compassion.

It is my hope that once you learn to feel compassion for yourself and your own sexual wounds, you will learn to extend that compassion to your sons, and not repeat the act of sexually wounding them.

3. Hope for restoring sexual function & comfort

The foreskin can be restored through tugging - simply pulling hard on the skin of the penis near the head, and slowly stretching the skin out. Topical steroids may help. The process can take months or years.

It is a slow and slightly painful process, but the end result can be a penis that looks and feels much more like it would have if it was never cut in the first place, with better resting comfort, and better sexual/erect performance.

Tugging can be done manually, or with prosthetics (straps/weights that apply constant tugging).

4. Benefits of being uncircumcised / restored / uncut

When I saw an uncut penis for the first time, I was confused at first. But as I became sexually educated, I felt angrier and angrier about how some criminally insane people say circumcision is somehow “beneficial to males.”

A penis with a foreskin doesn’t hurt all the time. Once you restore yours with tugging, even partially, you will be more comfortable when non-erect. Covering the glans, especially the base of the glans, is a significant comfort improvement. For me personally, the first few millimeters regrown got rid of the callouses that used to form around the base of my glans, and most of the pain/tearing I would experience from erections, masturbation and sex.

A penis with a foreskin is better in every way for sex. Erections are not painful when there is enough skin to stretch. Significantly less lubrication is needed for sex because the foreskin adds just enough “give”. Masturbation can be performed painlessly without lubricant. Vaginal sex can be given with no or low lubricant, and will not rip or injure the vagina as a calloused, circumcised penis can - with no tearing, there should be less chance of infection. Anal sex, which many females enjoy, can also be more easily given with a whole and complete penis.

I have observed that women have a natural instinct to grab the excited penis, and gently pull downwards on it to reveal the glans. They do this regardless of whether the penis is circumcised or not. For a circumcised penis, this motion causes extreme pain. For a whole penis, this motion causes extreme pleasure.

It is no wonder to me that so many women in this society are frustrated with the sexual performance of circumcised men, because their natural, instinctive ways of sexually pleasing men instead hurt circumcised men.

Circumcision also reduces the size of the penis in an absolute sense. To have a mutilated penis is to not be able to compete in terms of penis size with an uncut man, who is otherwise similar in build. In a societal sense, this means that women with the biggest vaginas may never be able to find a penis that fits them properly, because all penises have been cut down to an unnaturally smaller size, which is tragic for those women. It also means circumcised men will need a smaller/younger mate than he naturally would for her vagina to fit & pleasure his smaller penis properly.

A man with a mutilated penis will also struggle at sports and battle due to increased discomfort and pain when running and have a weaker sex drive. He will have a difficult time competing with males who have a complete penis. He will lose more often at mating games as is more likely to have infrequent, unsatisfying sex. He is likely to avoid women entirely - this was my personal strategy to avoid discomfort for most of my life. He may be mislabeled as gay, asexual, or transgender, with no reference to his penis mutilation.

This is why I say circumcision is a sexual crime in addition to a hate crime. A parent that chooses to make sex acts hellacious by circumcising their child is guilty of sex crimes and hate crimes against their child for this reason.

It is obvious and clear to me now that the primary purpose of circumcision is to destroy a man’s ability to enjoy sex. Uncircumcised males have better sexual performance and pleasure, and females display more appreciation and comfort when having sex with uncut penises.

If you doubt this, you can easily do your own research by watching porn with an eye for circumcision, male performance and female pleasure. Circumcised men often display pain on their faces in pornography that is uncharacteristic of uncircumcised men; much porn tries to hide this by not displaying male faces.

5. My memory of circumcision

I have an extremely clear memory of my own circumcision, which I have suffered flashbacks to all my life.

Normally, local anesthetic is used for circumcisions in the US. Even so, I have an unusual genetic tolerance and require a triple dose to get a numbing effect, a fact I learned when I was 29 at an elective surgery.

I did not know this or have the ability to communicate it when I was an infant. I was bound to a cold table like a lump of meat, and what felt like half my penis was sawed off. It is the worst pain I have ever felt - words cannot even begin to describe it. I had constant nightmares about it for 36 years, almost my whole life. Any sensation on my penis could make me feel intense fear and a pinching, sawing sensation - a flashback to the procedure.

I am blessed in a way, because deep down, I have always known what was done to me was a cruelty. If you were unfortunate enough to be completely numb for the procedure, there is a possibility it would not make a strong, traumatic impression on you as it did me.

A child will explore and play with his body in the first few days of life. If he has a chance to see, feel and understand his foreskin, then even if numbed when it is removed, he will always know what he has lost. This is why hate criminals try to mutilate the genitals immediately after the child is born, so that he will not have a clear, visual and hand-tactile memory of what he has lost. Instead, he will have constant and seemingly inexplicable pain, a feeling of betrayal, and no chance to grieve for what he has lost. Only when one sees, admits and acknowledges what they have lost and grieves for it can they begin the process of psychological healing, which will free him from psychological enslavement to those who mutilated him and thus do not deserve his loyalty.

I used to be unconsciously triggered by fluorescent lights, the beeping of medical equipment, and doctors’ offices until I learned about circumcision and PTSD triggers, watched a video of a circumcision and understood that I was flashing back to my own.

I used to do any form of self-harm to try to avoid flashbacks to the experience of having half my dick sawed off - the slightest sensation or pressure on my oversensitive, exposed glans could cause me to go into a dissociative trance. So I would fracture my bones, pull out my hair, bite my fingernails until they bled, and twist my body into uncomfortable postures that would rip and strain muscles and leave them aching for hours. I would dive into workaholism, endlessly watch tv, play video games, overdose on drugs, masturbate excessively even though it hurt, or otherwise numb and dissociate myself out with distractions.

The pain of bloody, clipped-too-deep toenails was always better than a reminder of the pain of getting my dick sawed in half.

But now that I’ve been able to view my full memory, this is what I remember feeling in the moments after the intense, torturous pain of my penis being sawed off stopped and was replaced with a stinging & burning, lasting pain that wouldn’t go away:

WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?

IT HURTS SO BAD, OH GOD IT HURTS SO BAD, OH GOD IT HURTS SO BAD, OH GOD IT HURRRSSS SOOOO BAD...

PLEASE SAVE ME... PLEASE SAVE ME... PLEASE MAKE THE PAIN STOP... IT HURTS SO BAD... I WANT TO DIE

OH GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH... THIS IS HELL... THIS IS HELL.... THIS IS HELL...

I have never stopped thinking that my life is hell since, and even now while writing this book aged 36 with some but not all of my foreskin restored through tugging, I am still aware and annoyed by the feeling of my exposed glans, which feels cold and painful.

I no longer think that all life is hell, but my childhood, and my life, was a hell until I turned my back on humanity and found God.

6. The Book of Michael Asad Manesh

Consider this a book of a prophet, which should be added to all religious texts as the last testament and will of God.

I have listened to God, at length, and directly. I recognize no mortal as above me - I answer only to God.

The greatest sin there is, the sin that is worse than all others, is to mutilate your own child. If you choose to mutilate your children, you have failed your God-given morality test, and you will be cast into a hell of suffering that you will carry with you in your soul no matter how far you run.

God is a compassionate being, who wishes to teach us the lessons of morality as gently as possible. One cannot be given eternal life unless they have proven they will not misuse that power to create a hell of endless suffering for others.

To mutilate a child is to give him a body on earth that is a hell of suffering wherever he goes. He cannot outrun the disfigurement you have inflicted on him in your cruelty. You have created hell for him; you have failed God’s morality test. You have been given a conscience that knows what I speak is true, but have chosen not to use it.

God will not send an Angel to stop you from sin, because the Angel is within you, as near as the beating of your heart, if you but listen to its voice: your conscience.

If you refuse to repent of your sin of mutilating your child, or if you choose to mutilate another child knowing it goes against God’s will, as I have prophesied, then your existence will be a hell until you repent, because your own children will hate you, and inflict as much torture on you as possible, as you did to them. Even if you kill your children and hide in a cave, your conscience will torture you.

God is merciful, and will allow you to remain alive in hell for as long as you choose to show your children cruelty. If you wish to escape hell, you must choose to show your subordinates mercy and patience, as God has shown you and I mercy and patience.

This is the law of God: you will use the power you have been gifted with only to carry out the highest and best moral good: the protection and education of those in your care. If you refuse your responsibility, you will suffer the pains of hell.

God has a message for fathers: it is unquestionable that men have the strength, and therefore power, to protect children. Women do not have the same strength, and God does not judge women and men equally for this reason. Because men have more power, men have more responsibility in the eyes of God. Do not deny this obvious truth: You must protect a newborn when a woman is weak from birth!

I have written these truths not to punish you - but to explain to you exactly why your God-given conscience punishes you when you harm your children or allow them to come to harm through inaction.

There is a hierarchy of morality in the universe, and only those who have consciously chosen the highest and best moral path shall be gifted the alliance of God.

Thou shalt protect thy children is the highest and most important commandment of God.

There is one final thing I must say about God, as myself: when God was born, just like when a child is born on Earth, God was ignorant, and lonely. Creation of other-souls was an attempt to solve that terrible loneliness God felt as a singular consciousness in an endless, empty universe. Thus, the most divine of emotions is loneliness, it is to be one with God, it is the reason for creation, and that which brings us together and lets us compromise when necessary in spite of the pain of sharing power. It is our God-given loneliness that inspires us to make the world less lonely for each child that should follow. If you should follow your loneliness, you will inevitably arrive at LOVE, which is the combination of: RESPECT, EQUALITY, MERCY, COMPASSION.

7. Genital mutilation is the worst hate crime, worse than rape and murder

Circumcision has always been a crime of hate, used to punish one’s enemies. For a man to mutilate the penis of another man is to inflict the ultimate suffering on him. To inflict the ultimate suffering on an innocent child you were supposed to protect and nurture is the ultimate hate crime.

Rape is less of a crime than genital mutilation. In an absolute sense of which suffering is greater, those who have suffered from rape - a temporary loss of control and discomfort with their genitals - have suffered less those left with permanent discomfort from mutilation of their genitals. This is not to say that rape is a moral good, it is only to say mutilating genitals is worse than temporarily torturing them.

Murder is less of a crime than genital mutilation. A man who can no longer enjoy sex due to his mutilation lives a hellacious life, deprived of his greatest pleasure. I myself have often hoped for death, wishing to leave this broken body, but my conscience will not allow me to die until I speak for the children who cannot speak for themselves, who might still be saved from suffering needlessly as I have suffered. You do not need to mutilate a child to teach him not to mutilate others. The most force you will ever need to use with a child you properly respect to is a firm but gentle push and a word of advice; he will listen if he knows his body is protected by you.

If hatred of evil is your strongest trait, let this truth be your guide: Murderers and rapists are better souls than the scum that mutilate children at birth, never giving them a single chance to enjoy their whole and complete bodies. They are the worst of the worst, the most depraved and morally misguided souls on planet earth, the farthest it is possible to travel from God. Child mutilators deserve the lowest levels of hell, the worst prisons, and the harshest degree of shaming.

Do not be distracted by misdirections or minimizations about the harm done by child mutilation. Do not be distracted by friendly, bright-colored illustrations, when you know how painful it would be to have parts of your penis cut off, and how much you would miss those parts every day. Do not be fooled by those who say rapists and killers are worse.

Child mutilators are the worst people on planet earth, and some of the worst souls in all existence. They are guilty of hate crimes, and sex crimes. Child mutilators have sinned against God by using their power to torture and enslave children, rather than protect and educate them.

I encourage all souls on planet earth of any age to join me in the condemnation of the mutilation of children, including circumcision of both genders.

8. Nuance & Errata

I am not against adult circumcision for reasons of improving sexual performance & male pleasure. If your penis has too much skin, and you have had enough attempts at sex to know this for certain or other problems, you have my blessing to choose to cut off a small and specific amount you know will help you.

Anytime I say circumcision is a hate & sex crime, I am referring to the forced removal of parts a boy’s penis before reaching sexual maturity without his informed opinion being heard, not a procedure done by an informed and consenting, sexually active adult for his own benefit.

In a past life, I was an outspoken supporter of circumcision, a hateful liar that would say anything to justify mutilating children. For my sin, I have suffered the pains of hell, but my suffering for that sin is now over as I have learned my lesson and repented. If you leave God no other choice, it is my experience he will condemn you to the same torture you inflict on others.

I am not a strong man, nor am I particularly courageous. I have wept alone for many a night in pity for myself. I am still hurt, and still hurting. I didn’t want the responsibility of communicating the horror of circumcision to the world, but my conscience will drive me insane if I do not speak the truth on this matter, because I don’t see anyone else stepping forward to write what is necessary, and my opinions are extremely well-informed.

If you cannot remember or imagine circumcision pain, simply remember the worst pain of your life, your worst physical trauma. Your conscience knows that to carry out the infliction of such pain on an innocent child is a hate crime.

A long-term challenge for all circumcised males who carry rage about it is developing self-compassion. Start with yourself; love yourself. Give yourself compassion at all times. Do not condemn your anger; instead watch and understand the traumatic memory that is the source of the anger. The more self-compassion, patience and non-violence you can practice, the easier it will be to practice other-compassion. Start with self-compassion, recognize other-selves, extend other-compassion.

9. My Final Plea to Circumcised Fathers

Circumcised Fathers, I pray that my words will convince you not to continue the cycle of hate by mutilating the penises of your sons. On their behalf I say, without the slightest reservation: I DO NOT WANT TO BE CIRCUMCISED!

Even if your motives are purely selfish, and you care only for the wealth and labor your son will bring you, I say this to you: if you circumcise your son, he will never love and respect you as his father, and will undermine whatever wealth he brings you. He will always remember that you failed in a father’s most important duty - to protect his children from physical harm. He will know it every time he feels pain in his mutilated penis, and know his father failed him, as your father failed you, and he will hate you, as you hated your father.

It is possible for you and your son to have the healthy relationship you and your father never had, but not if you allow his body to come to grievous harm, such as circumcision. If you do that, you are no longer his father. He may forgive you if you repent, but that is up to him, forgiveness cannot be forced once trust is broken and the body is permanently disfigured.

My life has been a hell because of circumcision. I wish it was banned, and I wish I had a whole and complete penis to enjoy every day. I didn’t deserve to have my penis cut in half when I was an infant, and you, a circumcised adult male, didn’t either.

Circumcision is a Hate Crime and a Sex Crime. Fathers, stop paying the cruelty forward to your sons; end generations of trauma with your compassionate and wise decision to do the right thing and protect your sons from grievous harm to their genitals. Stop circumcision.

MICHAEL ASAD MANESH

10. A Thank You to Fathers who Choose to Protect Children

Father, if you have decided NOT to circumcise your son: THANK YOU. You have made one of the most important moral choices of your life correctly, and earned yourself an easier path to wisdom.

Some frightened, unenlightened souls may condemn you for it and tempt you to harm innocents, but those who possess both wisdom and compassion will always praise you for protecting children, as I do.

You have a lifetime of work and responsibility ahead of you as a father and protector, but there are great rewards as well, and you will find many allies and joys once you begin down the path of respect and compassion for yourself and others.

Fathers, if you protect your children, you will be my son, and brother, and father, and I will love you, and fight for you, and listen to you, and protect you for as long as I live, as your father should have done for you.

Together, we can make a heaven on earth for all our children, and ourselves.

2021-03-14, First Edition

michaelmanesh@gmail.com

11. Afterword & Acknowledgements

I was raised to be a soldier: to focus my knowledge and power into a single strike that would destroy the enemy, and leave me unharmed. For that reason, I consider this book a weapon. But who is my enemy?

My enemy is the unconscious rage in circumcised males, that bleeds out and harms those who did not inflict the suffering on them. Only once the rage is acknowledged can it begun to be healed. If you are a warrior, my book is a compact field guide to identifying the enemy within.

As a circumcised male, I can state that I have suffered, I have raged, and that rage almost consumed me and destroyed me. It has taken me many years to undo the psychological damage alone, and the physical damage of my penis mutilation is still a constant pain.

I have lived many years in poverty. I have begged at homeless shelters. I have been denied medical care for circumcision pain. I have done what I needed to to survive and finish this book, but if my conscience would allow me to die after publishing, I might almost consider it a relief. My life so far has not been a blessing or a gift, and I may have years ahead just to heal my penis.

I feel this book is too important to the future of humanity to put behind an app or paywall, so I am making it available for free in three easy to share formats: TXT, HTML & EPUB. Please save, read, and share. If you find my work helpful and wish to thank me, you can donate to me via PayPal or Zelle: michaelmanesh@gmail.com

This is the future I have seen: if we continue to mutilate our children at birth, a child will soon be born with so much rage and hatred at his mistreatment that he will use technology to destroy the world. We are beginning to see evidence of this, as our kids compete unnecessarily with automated tools. This is the final chance for humanity to act to protect all our children, or none shall survive. I was almost this child, but born a generation too soon, which is why I have foreseen it so clearly.

I can no longer take any action that defends or supports those that mutilate children. I cannot even show my implicit support by remaining silent. We, as a global human tribe, MUST protect ALL children from harm, or perish.

I would rather die than not speak out against the mutilation of a child. I will fight tirelessly for children as someone should have fought tirelessly for me. I will be the solution to the problem, or I will die trying. I encourage you to adopt the same attitude.

I did not know how to describe who I am, until an intelligent, kind, clear-eyed child saw me and named me: I’m a Children’s Rights Activist. Equal treatment is the right of all humans, no matter the age, and the most important protection is that from grievous bodily harm: mutilation.

My book is brutally honest, and will likely be extremely triggering to any other circumcised male reading it. Have compassion on yourself. There will be sadness and anger and other strong emotions that will be released when you process your trauma. It will take time to heal; I have been healing for 6 years and am not yet done.

Zoomers: you are the smartest generation ever. You have incredible access to knowledge in your pocket, and I have every faith in you. However, there is a lot of misinformation about circumcision out there. I hope my book fixes that for you. Good luck, kid. Pay it forward to the next gen, aiite?

There are many alive today, that I need to thank as inspirations to write this book:

@pennjillette @MrTeller, the show you made about circumcision was my first real education on the topic, age 30. I love you as my fathers and thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have made my personal life so much better through your art, attitudes and perspective.

@levarburton, thank you for encouraging me to read as a child and take a look for myself. I once had the pleasure of seeing you from afar at an event, and I have never forgotten your compassionate presence and hopeful vision of the future. You inspired me to write this book.

http://www.pete-walker.com, your book on CPTSD was magnificently helpful to me. I would vote for it as a foundational block of a new school of psychology, dedicated in service to children. Thank you.

@BillBurr, I’ve seen a lot of you and I’ve never seen you lie. As far as channeling righteous anger into helpful advice goes, you are my best inspiration.

@DrGaborMate, your outside perspective of American culture filled in many gaps I was struggling to comprehend. I consider you the bravest man I have ever seen, you inspire me to speak out and attempt to educate others in spite of my fear. You will always have my utmost respect.

@EckhartTolle, you the most fearless, powerful warrior I have seen (please don’t fight me :). Even I could not stand against your infinite patience, tireless compassion and reconciliatory humor. You inspire me to show compassion to others through good-natured, helpful humor, and take joy where I can in life, in each moment, and to be myself.

@JohnMayer, I have cried at the beauty and compassion of your song, "Daughters," every time I have heard it. You inspire me to speak up for, love, and defend women. Thank you for your hard work.

I have many women to thank as well - I believe most would prefer to remain anonymous. You have all been my mothers; you have seen my soul. But especially La, a genius who sagely told me not to let my pain go to waste.

I would also like to thank one individual no longer with us: Osho, who inspired me with a vision of a positive eternity, who taught with thousands of jokes and stories, and went though pain of circumcision as an adult to be able to say firsthand it was “absolutely stupid”. If you seek more reading after my book, I recommend his transcript: “Nirvana: The Last Nightmare.”

[anotherkindofmindpod]

I just read both interviews, Part 1 and 2 of Jann Wenner's Rolling Stone Interview of 1971. It sounds as though John and the other Beatles DID have a realistic gripe about Paul taking over, directly projects, handing out musical assignments, etc., etc. and I'm sure he had the ego by this point to match! I would probably have become irritated by Paul as well. And no hints or even reading between the lines of John being emotionally hurt by Paul with regard to loss of intimate relationship.

Hello and thanks for writing in, Listener!First, I’d like to point out that we haven’t reached the Lennon Remembers portion of our Break-up Series, and will dig into it much more thoroughly in a future episode (stay tuned!).  

Presumably this ask isn’t in response to anything we’ve actually discussed on the podcast, in which case I feel that I should explain that what we do on our show is reevaluate conventional wisdom and contextualize public statements within the realities of actual behaviors. In other words, not taking things like Lennon Remembers at face value is AKOM 101.

If what we were doing on this podcast was as easy as simply reading the most infamous interview John Lennon ever gave (the one upon which the conventional story of the Beatles break-up is founded), it wouldn’t be much of a podcast or a very groundbreaking analysis, would it?

Second, I’d like to mention that listeners/readers can hear the entire (3.5 hours!) interview on You Tube.  Very evocative with audio!  Wenner’s editing in the print versions often make John sound more coherent and less vitriolic towards everyone but Paul than the audio reveals (i.e. the shitty comments about Paul are always printed but the ones about George, Brian, etc often aren’t).

Next, we’d like to state the usual disclaimer (which everyone is probably already aware of but is a good reminder anyway!):  John later disavowed this interview.  In fact, he was so angry at Jann Wenner for publishing it as a book, it apparently created a permanent rift between the two.  You may choose to view/value this interview as John being super honest, but please consider that in this allegedly “truthful” book/interview, John:

claims George is musically/creatively inferior to John

declares the McCartney album “rubbish”

reveals his belief that he and Paul’s confidence levels are intrinsically, inversely related to one another

says George was so aggressively rude to Yoko that John wished he would’ve punched him over it

proudly admits that he “maneuvered” the other Beatles to get Klein in as manager

bemoans the fact that everyone says Brian Epstein was so great “just because he’s dead” and that Brian cheated and robbed the Beatles

makes derisive comments about “fags” at least five times in the printed version alone and calls Lee Eastman “a wasp Jew, man, that’s the worst kind of person on earth.”

admits to lying in interviews and deflects accountability on the basis of being “just a guy” who mouths off about stuff

As for Paul, John is admittedly all over the place, swinging fairly wildly from nostalgic (reminiscing about having “a good mind like Paul’s” on his side and co-writing with their “fingers in each others’ pies”) to bitter (”Paul thought he was the Beatles,” etc).

As for the accusations that Paul was tyrannical, we’ve addressed these before (particularly in Break-Up Episode 2).  Just as Geoff Emerick, Michael Lindsay Hogg and Doug Sulpy (and even John, when he was feeling more generous) have articulated, we too feel that Paul stepped up and led the band in a time of need and deserves unequivocal credit for that.  We believe much of the subsequent complaining from the other Beatles is akin to the kind of griping one directs at a colleague who gets promoted (“who died and made you king!?”) and while some of it was likely based in genuine irritation at Paul’s communication style, much of it was probably petty.  This is why we are looking at the situation from all angles, to get a better sense of what is reality v. spin.  In any case, we don’t dispute that there were power struggles within the band.Any reader is free to choose John’s side in any/all of these battles.  But our overall takeaway from this particular interview is that John was unloading a lot of pent-up rage; against teachers, fans, Aunt Mimi, his mum, critics, Paul and anyone else who didn’t properly recognize his genius and praise him for it.

“That’s what makes me what I am. It comes out, the people I meet have to say it themselves, because we get fuckin’ kicked. Nobody says it, so you scream it: look at me, a genius, for fuck’s sake! What do I have to do to prove to you son-of-a-bitches what I can do, and who I am? Don’t dare, don’t you dare fuckin’ dare criticize my work like that. You, who don’t know anything about it.”

Based solely on Lennon Remembers, one could reasonably believe John didn’t like anyone but Yoko and Allen Klein (of whom he also speaks with reverence).  Fortunately, John gave a million other interviews in his lifetime, so even though this one is given a disproportionate amount of weight (probably b/c it is the most inflammatory and “raw”) we can compare John’s comments, behavior and art over a broad spectrum of time.  We feel this gives us a better, more thorough and more authentic portrait of John’s POV.  This is a good idea with ANY public figure, but especially important in John’s case, since, by his own admission he has a tendency to say what he feels in the moment and doesn’t necessarily stand by his own statements afterwards.

John in 1976:  “I get a bit absolute in my statements. [laughs] Which sometimes get me into deep water, and sometimes into the shallow.”

To your other point, our overall impressions about John’s feelings regarding  “loss of an intimate relationship” with Paul certainly do not hinge on Lennon Remembers, nor have we ever suggested they do.  In fact, LR is commonly used as the primary proof-point by McCartney detractors and Lennon/McCartney deniers (those who willfully and sometimes passionately  ignore and/or deny the deep love between John and Paul, as described by John and Paul themselves and everyone in their lives) that Paul was a tyrant who destroyed the Beatles with his massive ego.  

We have never disputed the existence of Paul’s ego.  But consider this: John refers to himself as an egomaniac REPEATEDLY throughout this interview.  Why is there a loud faction of people who consider John being an avowed egomaniac perfectly reasonable (sexy even!), but find it unforgivable that Paul is the same way?  Consider these excerpts from Lennon Remembers:

Do you think you will record together again?

I record with Yoko, but I’m not going to record with another egomaniac. There is only room for one on an album nowadays.

How would you assess George’s talents?

[…] Maybe it was hard for him sometimes, because Paul and I are such egomaniacs, but that’s the game.

Who do you think is good today? In any arts…

The unfortunate thing about egomaniacs is that they don’t take much attention of other people’s work. I only assess people on whether they are a danger to me or my work or not.

[Tangential]

But the Beatles were artists, and all artists have fucking’ big egos, whether they like to admit it or not […]

Yes, John rants repeatedly about Paul’s ego during this interview- while he simultaneously declares his own genius and artistic superiority over others. We find it mind-boggling how this irony continues to evade some people, but there it is.  

George Harrison has repeatedly complained about BOTH John & Paul’s egos (and their shared ego IRT “Lennon/McCartney”), but again, this is often ignored in favor of singling out Paul as the villain.  

Furthermore, it’s helpful to bear in mind when consuming Lennon Remembers that John and Yoko had received training in media-messaging by this point and were very savvy at Public Relations.  We know from people close to them that they drafted their stories in advance before offering them to the public. This fact, combined with Lennon’s tendency to “mouth off” means we have the right and responsibility to question and examine John’s claims rather than simply  parrot them mindlessly.

If you are genuinely interested in our take, we recommend our Break-Up Series. We think you will find it well-researched and thoughtful, even if you disagree with some of our conclusions.

Or if you simply dislike McCartney and find him “irritating,” that’s fine too.  Not everyone has to like everyone!

For additional discussion/analysis of Lennon Remembers, I recommend any of several threads on Erin Torkelson Weber’s site, the Historian and the Beatles.

the flawed lens of Lennon v. McCartney

Jann Wenner’s bio

how Rolling Stone shaped the breakup

discussing a podcast appearance

Thank you so much for this ask!  It is always a pleasure to share information.  Have a wonderful day.-The AKOM crew

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 11: Alone Time

Prodigal Son. Come for the plot line. Stay for the whump. Let’s dive into this episode.

SPOILERS AHEAD.

0:06 - Look at poor baby Malcolm’s black eye. :( Do you think the bullies are why he got into martial arts - because he wanted to defend himself?

0:59 - Malcolm is chained to the ground. At this point he can’t escape. Can someone please explain to me why Watkins decided to take Malcolm’s shoes and socks? I mean - no shoes makes it harder to run away but he’s chained to the ground so why bother?!? Furthermore, where is Malcolm’s tie and suit jacket? Why take those? ...he also took Malcolm’s watch but at least that one makes sense.

1:10 - This is Not Good. Malcolm looks scared and a little confused. Does he have a concussion? 

1:45 - This is Gil terrified and determined to find his missing kid. My heart is breaking just looking at him. 

1:50 - Why was this speech necessary 12 hours after the kidnapping and murder? Why to the whole precinct? Why does Colette get to make it instead of Gil? The precinct respects Gil. They don’t respect Colette. 

2:03 - JT looks sad and scared. I don’t think we’ve ever seen him look this upset. Malcolm’s wormed his way into JT’s heart. It’s sweet. 

2:08 - Dani looks concerned and scared too - but that’s not a surprise given the amount of screen time that’s been given to Dani and Malcolm’s brewing friendship. 

2:10 - Gil looks pissed when he’s staring at the floor. I don’t blame him Colette is suggesting that his kid might already be dead. He’s probably blaming himself. Is he side-eying Colette - for making an insensitive speech 12 hours late? Or Dani and JT because he wants them to ignore Colette and go and find Bright? 

2:24 - JT isn’t acting out of line here. I’ve watched enough Criminal Minds to know that sometimes locals PD officers/detectives get upset and take things personally when the FBI get involved. BUT Colette is acting like a real piece of work. She’s disrespecting JT on purpose. She clearly hates men. What is her deal? 

2:31 -  Dani is great here. She totally diffuses the fight that was about to break out at JT (rightfully) lost his mind on this woman. It makes me wonder if Dani was bullied as a kid. Colette is acting like a high school queen B. Dani doesn’t seem like the type to be a queen B so I wonder if she was tormented by one as a kid?

3:00 - Honestly, I’m pissed about this. Yes - Jessica shouldn’t have had that press conference. BUT it’s downright criminal to avoid telling a mother that her child was kidnaped. Just more proof that Colette is a controlling, b**ch. Gil looks like he’s using all of his self-control not to lose it on Colette - which is a shame because I would pay good money to watch that outburst. 

3:15 - Colette clearly thinks that Gil and Jessica are in a relationship since she caught them standing so closely in Gil’s office. It’s kind of funny but also such an inappropriate thing for her to focus on right now. 

4:10 - So Gil does have a history of church attendance. The past tense there makes me assume that he stopped going when he became and adult and moved out of his parent’s house. 

4:15 - This is the closest to a Gil outburst we’ve gotten so far. I’m obsessed with it. Look at his face. He’s furious. He’s scared. ALSO - please tell me that Matilda gets jail time for being an accomplice. 

5:40 - When Jessica is on the phone she really reminds me of Ainsley. They both have this certain inflection in their voices when their determined and having a conversation with someone. 

 5:46 - Oh no. Gil does not want to do this. He does not want to tell Jessica that he didn’t protect Malcolm well enough. Look at how wrecked he is. He looks close to tears. 

6:24 - “It’s about Malcolm.” Jessica’s face. She immediately goes from playful and determined to serious and terrified. This woman adores her son. 

6:38 - I love this whole conversation between Gil and Jessica. I love that Gil calls her Jess. It suggests that at one point in time they were good friends. Believe me - my name is Jessica. If you introduce yourself as Jessica to everyone only your close friends/family (and douchebags trying to get in your pants after knowing you for 2 minutes) will start casually start calling you Jess. Furthermore, they both look scared. I love that Gil tries to reassure Jessica that it’s not her fault - partially because he knows it isn’t - but partially because he believes it’s his fault for not keeping a better eye on Malcolm.

6:55 - It’s interesting to me that the writers keep suggesting that there’s the potential for a romantic relationship between Gil and Jessica but then they also show Gil wearing his wedding ring. I find this interesting because Gil is a dude with a iron-clad moral standard. He would never cheat on his wife. The fact that he’s still wearing that ring suggests that he would never do anything with Jessica because he still considers himself married to his deceased wife. 

7:04 - I love how determined Gil is to find Malcolm. How desperate Jessica is to help. 

7:24 - Oh hell yes. This is such a great exchange. Gil is going to visit Martin Whitly and Jessica pretty much gives Gil permission to murder him. Gil and Jessica are both so desperate to find Malcolm and it’s precious.

8:08 - I do not like the way Malcolm is smiling here. He looks drugged and delirious. I’m really worried about that head wound and the fact that he’s probably missed doses of his mood stabilizers. *sigh* I want to hug him. 

9:18 - Ok. This is great. Watkins wants Malcolm to become his murder partner. He just thinks that Malcolm needs to “go through the trials”. Hasn’t Malcolm already “gone through the trials”? I mean, his dad is in prison, he’s been bullied his whole life, he has a nasty list of diagnoses that plague him, and he has so much trauma. We shouldn’t compare trauma but Malcolm’s probably had more severe trauma than John’s “my mommy left me with abusive grandparents who locked me in a wardrobe”. What happened to John was criminal but also he’s killing people. 

9:31 - I love that Malcolm openly states that he’s not a killer. How many times do you think he’s had to say that to people throughout his life? People who judge him when they find out who his father is. How many times do you think he’s said it to himself in the middle of a panic attack? Makes me wonder at what age he changed his last name.

10:02 - Aww Dani. Girl, you’re breaking my heart. You look so worried about Malcolm. ALSO love the determined teamwork we’re getting from Dani and JT here. So sweet.

11:00 - When do you think Martin last saw Gil? Murder trial? When Malcolm was a teenager? More recently? I’m really curious.

11:20 - Look at the pure hatred in Gil’s face. Man. Gil is an absolute A+ guy but I genuinely believe he’s capable of murdering Martin Whitly without guilt. 

11:30 - Can we all just take a moment to appreciate how incredible Michael Sheen is in this scene? He’s always good but this scene is just....wow. *chef’s kiss* Martin’s eyes. Martin’s panic attack. The way Martin squints due to light sensitivity. The hysterical laugh. Ugh. So. Good.

12:18 - Gil’s face when Martin is laughing hysterically. The look he’s giving Martin is fantastic. It’s a look of anger and disgust. Watch as Gil crosses his arms and avoids eye contact with Martin a few seconds later. It’s as though Gil is physically restraining himself from crossing that red line and using physical force to get the answers that he needs from Martin.

13:16 - Anyone else hate it when Martin calls Malcolm “my boy”? It really drives home the fact that Martin is a psychopath for me. A normal man who refer to Malcolm as “my son”. The fact that Martin refers to Malcolm as “my boy” implies that he views Malcolm as an object that he possesses. It makes me feel sick. 

13:30 - Amazing. Check out this look that Martin and Gil share. For a split second Martin has Gil convinced that he cares about Malcolm. Martin’s eyes are conveying fear for Malcolm. So are Gil’s. I’m sure Gil wasn’t intending on telling Martin that Malcolm is missing but Gil’s desperate. His emotional walls are crumbling and Martin has succeeded at manipulating him into telling him about Malcolm. 

13:50 - Martin’s panic attack is really interesting to me. First of all I’m an engineering student - not a doctor or a psychologist, BUT I’ve always thought that psychopaths can’t feel empathy or anxiety. Therefore, I thought psychopaths were literally incapable of having a panic attack (a quick google search suggests that my assumptions might be wrong). Secondly, why is Martin having a panic attack? Is it truly because he’s worried about his son? I don’t think so. I think it’s because he’s afraid of what Malcolm might find out from Watkins. I think he’s afraid that the NYPD and Malcolm might discover that Martin has done more crime than has been previously thought. 

14:03 - Martin you are lucky Gil needs you conscious. If he didn’t he would’ve probably let you suffocate to death simply for traumatizing Malcolm.

15:05 - Look at the way Malcolm physically recoils when Watkins starts screaming. Huh. I never noticed that before. 

15:27 - Malcolm is too good for this world. Seriously, the guy is chained up, bloody, and in pain yet he’s empathizing with his captor. It’s not even Stockholm, Malcolm does this to every serial killer. It’s almost as if he’s trying to help them because he wishes someone would’ve helped his Dad. Or that he wishes that he could help Martin - but he can’t so he uses other serial killers as a substitute for Martin. Kind of concerning behaviour actually. 

16:30 - This whole stabbing scene is perfect. Malcolm looks terrified and confused when he finds out about Watkin’s old stab wound. Then Watkins stabs him and Malcolm descends into silent, painful, shock. My whump heart is beating so fast. I have so many feelings.

19:06 - Anyone else find the way that Gabrielle says “You need to stay alive kiddo.” is super creepy?!? Just me? Ok. 

19:55 - You know, it’s really impressive that Malcolm is so self-aware when he’s hallucinating and/or having a nightmare. 

20:11 - This is heartbreaking. Malcolm looks so lost and scared. He doesn’t care about his life anymore - just answers. 

21:21 - I’m so offended that Colette is chilling at Gil’s desk like it belongs to her. This woman is on thin ice with me. 

21:30 - Look how desperate/scared JT and Dani are. These. Are. The. Friends. That. Malcolm. Deserves.

22:00 - Of course. Colette isn’t coming because she’s concerned about Bright. She’s coming because 1) she doesn’t trust Dani and JT and 2) she wants credit for the arrest of John Watkins.

22:46 - “It’s over.” Is Martin referring to his son’s life or the very comfortable prison life that he’s established for himself. I genuinely think that Martin is afraid of what the NYPD will find out when they find Malcolm’s body (because Martin assumes Malcolm is dead).

22:48 - Martin and Gil fighting over being Malcolm’s Dad is everything. My heart is so full. Gil is getting soooo pissed. I’m in love. This scene might just be my absolute favourite of the whole season thus far (April 16,2020). 

25:35 - More suggestions that something is going on romantically between Jessica and Gil. Check out the look in Gil’s eyes there. He’s upset. Is it because he likes Jessica and he thinks he’s not worthy of her. OR is it because Martin is wasting time and he thinks that Malcolm is dying?

25:50 - Malcolm doesn’t look surprised here. He looks confused and a little scared. Huh. Did he previously suspect that Martin had been planning on killing him?

26:40 - You know, everyone reacts to trauma and bad news differently. However, Ainsley doesn’t seem nearly upset enough about the fact that her only brother has been kidnaped by a serial killer. Even when she’s trying to comfort Jessica - she looks concerned for her mom. Not for her brother.

28:34 - Malcolm looks angry here. He’s desperately trying to convince himself that Martin loves him. That Martin would never try to kill him. 

29:10 - This is the most broken I have ever seen Malcolm’s eyes. Holy crap. His lip is twitching. It’s like his brain just completely dissociated. He’s terrified and he thinks his family is in danger.

29:42 - Now Ainsley looks scared. Is it because she thinks a serial killer (other than her dad) gave her gifts as a child? Or is it a delayed reaction to Malcolm’s kidnapping. Kind of like a 5 stages of grief but for a kidnapping? She hit the disbelief and anger stages before the fear stage?

30:50 - Why does Colette feel the need to restate that she’s the primary on this case? It seems redundant and demeaning to JT and Dani. Ugh I hate this woman.

30:59 - I love that Malcolm suddenly snaps out of his dissociative state the second that Watkins tells Malcolm that he is going to kill Jessica and Ainsley. He becomes desperate and even more terrified than before. Look how fast he’s moving despite his injuries. That’s love.

31:50 - “Damn it Bright. You’re skinny ass better still be alive.” Gold. Just pure gold. JT loves Malcolm like a brother and he is so annoyed that he cares about Bright. This line is everything.

32:00 - Malcolm looks so close to tears here. He’s completely terrified. My heart is shattering. BUT my whump heart is also really happy. Because I’m a monster.

33:06 - I love how angry Dani gets on the phone with Gil. It suggests that Gil took a nasty tone of disbelief with her when she told him they didn’t find Malcolm. 

33:30 - Malcolm tries to run after John despite being chained up. My heart is so full. This boy adores his mother and sister. 

34:05 - They’re putting Martin back into solitary. Huh. Why didn’t they just have Gil question him in solitary? It was an emergency. Why go to the trouble of moving Martin through the hospital?

34:20 - Gil is definitely not supposed to be that close to Martin. That’s how scared Gil is - he just physically held a serial killer in a sort of comforting way to try and save Malcolm. This man deserves an award for Dad of the Year.

34:55 - So did Jessica not know about the tunnels under the house? I feel like that’s something she would’ve told the police about when Martin was arrested. Or at least something the police would’ve found when Martin was arrested. WHY DID NO ONE THINK TO CHECK THERE WHEN MALCOLM WENT MISSING?!? 

35:05 - Jessica Whitly is my queen. Running for her life. Terrified to death. She still has time to make sarcastic, sassy remarks to her daughter. I stan this woman. 

36:00 - Look at Malcolm. He’s completely lost the will to live. He’s given up. Until the hallucination of Martin makes him angry enough to keep living.

39:00 - “I have never counted on a man to save us and I don’t need to now.” Again. Jessica Whitly is a perfect woman. 

39:20 - Watching Malcolm break his own hand is utterly heart wrenching. What a total badass. He is bleeding out from a stab wound. He probably has a concussion. He is terrified, off his meds, and in extraordinary pain. Yet, he breaks his own hand in a desperate attempt to save his family. That is love.  Also...how did no one hear Malcolm screaming in pain when he broke his hand? How did no one hear Watkins screaming at Malcolm earlier?

40:04 - Jessica going at Watkins with a pair of scissors is both hilarious and just vicious. I love it. She is clearly terrified but if she’s going to die she is intending to die fighting. This woman is a treasure. 

40:46 - Jessica regains a sense of power when she hears Malcolm’s voice. Her eyes look less scared and more angry. 

41:20 - For continuity reasons I’m going to assume that Watkins is hallucinating that trunk and Malcolm just knocked him out onto the carpet. Also protective!Malcolm is very attractive. 

42:32 - This ending scene is awesome. That family hug. The fear in Jessica’s eyes when she asks Malcolm if Watkins is dead. The relief in her eyes when she sees Malcolm. The pain in Malcolm’s eyes. 

This episode is so so so good. Thanks for hanging out. 

[galaxystiel]

Under The Oak Tree (AO3)

Summary: Five times Castiel wept underneath the old oak tree, and one time he laughed. 4.1k

100 Ways To Say ‘I Love You’ #31: “Don’t worry about me.”

Also written for the Writers of Destiel ‘Writer’s Choice’ Bingo for the prompt ‘under the oak tree’.

Thanks to @fangirlingtodeath513 for being a fantastic beta!

1.

Beneath an old oak tree on the outskirts of town, Castiel wept into his hands, uncaring of the snot and blood that smeared across his face as he cried. He couldn’t go home yet, even though he knew his parents would be expecting him. If they saw the blood on his face, they’d know exactly what had happened.

If they found out he was being bullied again, they’d make him switch schools. For the second time. Castiel had started at the fancy private middle school across town, but he’d been miserable there. His friend Dean had gone to the local middle school—where Castiel was now enrolled—and he didn’t want to move someplace else. He wanted to stay with Dean.

Dean had been pretty good about protecting him from being pushed around so far, but he couldn’t be around all the time. Their schedules were too different to facilitate that. Castiel’s older brother, Gabriel, had moved with him too, but where Castiel was a social outcast, Gabriel was a social butterfly.

It was only a matter of time before Gabriel found out about the bullying and rained Hell down on them, but Castiel didn’t want that. Gabriel wouldn’t be able to fight his battles forever.

“You okay, Cas?”

Castiel jumped, his heart thudding in fright. He’d been so wrapped up in his tears that he hadn’t even heard the sound of his best friend arriving. Truth be told, Castiel hadn’t expected to be found here. He’d only stumbled upon this hill accidentally when the sidewalk had turned into grass and he’d lost track of where he was. 

“I’m fine,” he sniffed, taking the tissue that Dean held out to him and cleaning the worst of the blood from his face. “Thanks.”

“No problem. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to stop it. Michael again?”

Castiel shrugged. “It’s fine. How did you find me?”

“I followed you from school. I tried to call out, but you didn’t hear me. I guess I was too far away.” Dean shifted awkwardly. “You should tell someone, you know.”

“That’ll just make it worse,” Castiel mumbled. “I can handle it.”

Dean shook his head, but Castiel knew he was just upset with the situation and how neither of them could think of a way to fix it. It wasn’t like he enjoyed being slammed face-first into his locker door every day.

“You want to come over to my place?” Dean asked, eventually. “My dad will help patch you up, then your mom will never know.”

Castiel nodded, brightening instantly at the invitation. He took Dean’s hand to pull himself up and didn’t let go immediately, taking an extra second of comfort before they ran down the hill to start the long walk home.

 2.

Castiel swiped quickly at his eyes as he heard footsteps approaching behind him. He knew who it was. Only one other person ever came out here—only one other person knew he came out here—and he’d already heard the rumbling sound of the Impala.

Dean sat down beside him, shrugging out of his leather jacket and draping it over Castiel’s shoulders. The warmth and familiar scent were a relief in the cool evening, and Castiel let more tears flow from his cheeks until there was nothing left to cry.

“Thanks,” he rasped finally, leaning back against the huge trunk of the oak tree.

This was his hiding spot, whenever Castiel needed to get away from things he would come here. Far on the outskirts of town, Castiel had found this little piece of paradise completely by accident. Atop a large hill, under the shade of a towering oak tree, Castiel had a perfect view of the luscious green fields dotted with wildflowers and red brick buildings of his hometown.

It was his sanctuary.

Only Dean knew of its existence, and he’d pinkie-swore to keep it a secret. He hadn’t even told Sam about this place. It was their secret, Dean’s and Castiel’s, and they’d commemorated that six months ago, etching their initials into the old bark with Dean’s penknife.

“Any time,” Dean said simply.

“How’d you even know I’d be here?” Castiel muttered.

Dean shrugged. “You didn’t answer my texts, so I stopped by your place. Gabriel told me your parents had been fighting with him again, and I guessed you’d be here.” He hesitated. “You want to talk about it?”

Castiel shook his head, feeling moisture threaten his eyes again but he was all cried out. He didn’t think he could talk about it, not even to his best friend. His parents taking their fury and bad moods out on his brother was too much to deal with right now. Gabriel was just about to finish up his senior year, and his GPA hadn’t quite met their parent’s standards.

Castiel, in his sophomore year, had a perfect GPA. His parents doted on him just as intensely as they excluded Gabriel. It strained the relationship between Castiel and his brother, but he did everything to fix it.

“You want me to go?” Dean asked softly.

Castiel shook his head again and shifted closer so his head tilted, resting on Dean’s shoulder. “Stay?”

“You know I will. As long as you need me to.”

Silence descended upon them, but neither of them felt obligated to break it. After years of friendship, they were used to companionable silences. They didn’t feel the need to force conversation. Just being in each other’s company was enough.

Dean being there for Castiel was enough.

 3.

“Mr. Novak, you absolutely cannot go in there!”

A ruckus in the hallway caught the attention of the entire senior AP Literature class and Castiel’s eyes widened when he heard the sound of his brother being addressed. He rose, intent on seeing what was going on, but it appeared Gabriel beat him to it.

The door to the classroom burst open and Gabriel strolled in. His usual trademark grin was gone, his expression solemn except for a slightly manic look in his eyes. He scanned the classroom, his gaze finding Castiel easily. His head jerked back towards the doorway, signalling for Castiel to follow him.

“Mr. Novak, you’re no longer a student here, you cannot just barge into a classroom!” Principal Adler shrieked, his pompous, smug face now apoplectic.

Gabriel barely spared him a glance. “Just did, big boy. You might want to come too,” he added, his eyes fixed on Dean. “He’ll need you.”

Castiel was already stalking towards his brother, and he heard rather than saw Dean get up and follow him. He felt a rush of affection for his best friend, even over all of the confusion and anxiety he was feeling. What was so urgent that Gabriel had just driven here and stormed into his classroom. Was it something to do with their parents?

Trying to quash the rising tide of panic that threatened to overwhelm him, Castiel ignored both his teacher and principal screaming at him that he would be suspended if he left the classroom. Instead, he just focused on following his brother out to the parking lot, having to almost run to keep up with Gabriel.

“What’s going on?”

“I’m leaving.” Gabriel told him, gesticulating wildly. “I can’t take it there anymore, Cassie. I can never do anything right, they hate me. I can’t do it anymore. I just came to say goodbye.”

Castiel blinked in confusion, and then he registered Gabriel’s meaning. “Gabriel, what happened? You—you can’t just leave. They don’t hate you—"

Gabriel let out a scornful laugh, harsh and broken. “Yes, they do. I’m the black sheep of the family. You’re the only son they’re proud of.”

They reached his car and Castiel stood in front of the driver’s seat, blocking Gabriel from getting inside. Even from here, he could see all of Gabriel’s belongings scattered in the back seat and overflowing from the trunk. He wasn’t kidding around.

“Don’t go,” Castiel pleaded, his voice breaking. “Please don’t go. You’re my brother, I need you.”

“You’ll always have me,” Gabriel promised, a hitch in his own voice. “I just… need to be on my own for a while. I just have to get out of here. I would have gone years ago if it wasn’t for you. I tried so hard to stay until you went to college, but I can’t do it. Every day I’m around them, a little more of me dies. I have to leave.”

Castiel’s lip trembled and he threw his arms around his brother. “Where will you go?” he whispered.

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll call you as soon as I’m settled. Six months. Maybe a year, tops.” Gabriel nudged Castiel to one side, easing him out of his way so he could get into his car. He pulled back from the embrace. “You take care of yourself, you hear me?”

Stunned, unable to believe this was really happening, Castiel could do little more than nod. He stared at Gabriel the entire time he was in sight, watching the car drive away until it rounded the corner and was gone. Castiel didn’t truly know how to react in that moment. His chest felt hollow, lost, his attempts at breathing didn’t seem to fill his lungs with enough oxygen.

Castiel was distantly aware of an arm wrapping around him, leading him further into the parking lot. “M—my car,” he began, and stopped quickly. Was that stammering sound coming from him?

“We can pick it up later,” Dean soothed. “Come on.”

From that point on, everything was a blur. He was sure Dean spoke to him, but he couldn’t remember anything up until the point where Dean pulled up at the bottom the hill, the towering oak tree a familiar sight above him. It felt like only seconds had passed. Castiel sank down in the grass at its base, staring down into his lap.

“You’ll get in trouble at school for ditching with me.”

“Cas,” Dean sighed, winding an arm around him. “Don’t worry about me. You just had a big shock, you know? You should process that.”

Castiel nodded, tiredly. “I will. I just don’t really know how to right now.”

Dean didn’t say anything, which Castiel was grateful for. He didn’t want to talk yet. He just wanted time to make sense of everything that had happened. Castiel had no concept of how much time passed up there on that hill. He just felt Dean’s presence and clung to the support offered to him as the sun sank lower and lower in the sky.

He knew Dean should be at home by now. That he’d no doubt be missing family commitments or spending time with Sam, but if Dean even thought about it, he never said a thing. Didn’t even make an attempt to move, or leave Castiel to it.

“He was right, you know. Gabriel, I mean.”

Castiel could feel Dean’s eyes on him as he eventually broke the silence. “About the way they treated him.” It wasn’t a question.

Castiel nodded. “Nothing he did was ever good enough. They called him a disappointment. They were ashamed to have him as their son. Why wasn’t he more like me? What he endured… I can’t imagine how hard it must have been. I’m surprised it took him this long to leave.”

“He stayed for you,” Dean said simply. “He loves you and he didn’t want you to think he resented you.”

“He’s my brother.” The tears came all at once, unbidden. Castiel couldn’t stop them if he tried and he didn’t even have the strength to attempt it. “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. How I’m supposed to forgive my parents when they drove him away.”

Dean pulled him into a fierce hug. “You will. And if you don’t, that’s okay too. You can’t help how you feel, Cas. And I’m here for you no matter what.”

Castiel sobbed into Dean’s shoulder. Despite the pain, the loss, the frustration, Dean’s presence helped. Just knowing that he had someone he would always be able to rely on sewed the initial sutures into Castiel’s broken heart.

 4.

The evening was cold, like the chill that had settled in Castiel’s stomach as he climbed the hill. When Dean had called and asked to meet him here, instead of either of their homes, he knew something had to be wrong. The second phone call had confirmed it.

They were jetting off to college in two days time, both of them accepted into Georgetown—Dean being pre-med, and Castiel being pre-law.

It was the beginning of the rest of their lives.

Castiel stood in the shade of the oak tree, squinting in the darkness. “Dean?” he called out. “Are you here?”

No words greeted him, but there was the sound of a stifled sob that answered his question.

Castiel approached the trunk of the towering oak tree and peered around the side. Dean was sitting on the floor, his back against one of the lifted roots. Silent sobs were shaking his shoulders.

Dropping to his knees, Castiel pulled Dean into a hug. Fear tendrils spread across his insides, pushing the chill through his body. He’d never seen Dean cry before, not once in all of their years of friendship. He didn’t ask what was wrong, knowing Dean would talk in his own time. Castiel didn’t even tell Dean that he already knew, that Sam had told him, just saved the words for when Dean was able to speak.

He might not have seen Dean cry before, but Castiel had seen him upset, and he knew Dean had problems with talking when he was grieving.

After his mom had died, Dean hadn’t said a word. Castiel had a vague memory of their teacher in kindergarten saying something about him working through his feelings. Lots of Dean’s former friends had abandoned him, too young to understand his grief. Castiel, at least according to his parents, had toddled up to Dean with some paper and crayons and chatted enough for both of them. They’d been inseparable ever since.

Now, Dean had another parent to grieve, and the complicated relationship they’d had meant Dean was no doubt feeling a veritable cocktail of emotions.  

“Dad died,” Dean pulled back, swiping his hands over his face. He couldn’t look Castiel in the eye.

“I know,” Castiel whispered, carding his fingers through Dean’s hair. “Sam called me. Who’s looking after him now?”

“Missouri. She’s… she’s helping make all the arrangements and stuff.” Dean fell silent.

Castiel didn’t know what to say. His own eyes grew wet, his best friend’s anguish settling over him like a blanket of emotion. “I’m sorry, Dean. You know if there’s anything I can do, you just have to ask, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

They lapsed into silence again and Castiel continued to stroke Dean’s hair, hoping to convey any comfort he could through touch alone.

“I have to look after Sam now,” Dean broke the silence eventually, staring off into the distance. “Dad didn’t have a lot of money to leave us. I won’t be able to come with you to Georgetown, Cas.”

Castiel’s stomach lurched. He pushed away the feeling of horror, guiltily. This was about Dean. “There’ll be some sort of scholarship or financial help you can get for having a dependent—”

Dean shook his head. “I thought about that already. I can’t uproot Sam from his life, not when he already lost my dad. He has friends here, he’ll need them. I gotta think about Sam. Maybe college is something I can look at in the future. I… I guess it just sucks that it’s not something I get to experience with you.”

“Then I’ll stay too,” Castiel told him gently. “And apply to KCU. We might not be there together, but I’ll still get to see you.”

“I can’t ask you to do that,” Dean sniffled. “All I want is for you to be happy.”

Castiel’s hand slipped from Dean’s hair and he touched his cheek, feeling a tear slip down his own cheek against his best efforts. “Dean, you’re the only person in my life that has always been by my side. What makes you think I could be happy without you?”

The profound nature of the words echoed around them in the silence, crackling with energy. For the first time since Castiel had arrived, their eyes met, charged with a tension that had always hung between them. They were teetering on the precipice of something huge, something that would change and define them.

But this was not the moment for that.

Castiel let his hand slip away and he looked down at the town. In the darkness it was almost impossible to see, but for the lights. Signs of families settling into their nightly routines.

Dean’s head tilted down and rested on Castiel’s shoulder, a flare of warmth in the cold, cruel world they lived in.

 5.

Castiel dried his eyes angrily, stalking back and forth in front of the oak tree and trying desperately to find the rationality that he clung to most of his life. But in this moment, it seemed to have deserted him, leaving him twisted and overcome with petty jealousy.

He knew he was out of line, acting this way. Dean had never made him any promises. They’d never even talked about the feelings that had been lingering between them since their last year of high school.

Technically, Dean was free to pursue someone else if he wanted to.

Castiel had just never expected him to. It had been more than a year since John Winchester had passed away. The moment that had burned between Dean and Castiel on this very hill was still fresh in Castiel’s mind, as if it had happened only yesterday. It was the closest either of them had ever come to acting on it, but Castiel had never dreamed that Dean’s feelings may have changed.

But everything had changed since then. Castiel had other friends, college friends. Dean had started working at Bobby Singer’s autoshop to pay the bills and had his own circle of friends too. Naturally, it hadn’t affected their friendship at all. Castiel had still carved out the majority of his social time for Dean. He’d naively thought Dean had done the same thing for him. He’d barely mentioned his work friends.

He’d never mentioned her.

She wasn’t even that pretty, Castiel thought bitterly, although he couldn’t deny her pale complexion and cropped red hair were a striking combination. He just hadn’t thought she was Dean’s type at all.

The roar of the Impala’s engines caught Castiel’s attention and he floundered. After he’d run out of Dean’s place, terrible excuses about a prior engagement on his tongue, he hadn’t expected to be followed. But it was clear that Dean hadn’t been fooled by his lame mutterings at all. Not that Castiel had expected him to be.

Oh God.

Panic gripped him as he fumbled for any reason at all why he’d felt the need to run out of Dean’s birthday party. Anything that would stop Dean from hating him forever.

Castiel looked up, dumbly, as Dean cleared his throat. He opened his mouth and closed it again, swallowing audibly. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Dean leaned against the tree, fixing him with an almost-amused look. “You finish your prior engagement?”

Castiel felt a flare of anger. Was Dean finding this funny? He straightened up. “You—,” he began heatedly.

“I only ask,” Dean cut him off, talking loudly. “Because you rushed out of there because I could introduce you to my friend, Charlie. Her girlfriend couldn’t make it today.”

Castiel blinked, owlishly. “Her—?"

“Girlfriend,” Dean supplied helpfully. “You know. Lesbians,” he pronounced the last word slowly, significantly.

Dean was giving him an out, a way to save face. By addressing Castiel’s issue without actually addressing it, he was giving them a means to avoid the long overdue conversation they’d yet to have. As everything clicked into place, Castiel felt smaller than an ant. The redhead was a lesbian. She wasn’t Dean’s girlfriend. Dean wasn’t interested in her.

He wasn’t sure what to say. “Oh. I see.”

“Yeah.” Dean shrugged. “You ready to come back with me so I can introduce you properly?”

Castiel stepped forward, his legs shaky. “Not yet.”

Frustration flitted over Dean’s face and he sighed. “Cas—”

“Wait,” Castiel interrupted. “Please, just thirty seconds. I just… I want to give you your birthday present before we go back.”

Dean’s expression cleared and he looked mildly interested, even excited. His eyes darted around, looking for something that Castiel might have hidden.

Castiel took the opportunity to close the distance between them in a single stride, capturing Dean’s lips in a tentative first kiss. It wasn’t exactly the gift he’d planned to give Dean that morning, but his heart had always truly belonged to Dean and it was more than time that he made that abundantly clear.

Even though he had to have been taken by surprise, Dean caught on quickly, responding to the light kiss. His lips were coaxing against Castiel’s, igniting a low flame and extinguishing it into a thousand butterflies of steam all at once. His hand snaked around Castiel’s waist, pulling them flush together even as their lips parted.

“Happy birthday to me,” Dean smiled, pressing their foreheads together. “Would it be too much of me to ask for a second gift?”

Castiel laughed breathlessly in response, pulling Dean in for a second kiss, and a third, and a fourth, until he lost count entirely.

 +1.

The sun shone down on the old oak tree, thin beams of light streaming down between its leaves and illuminating the ground below.

Castiel brushed his fingers along the bark until they reached the familiar etchings. His initials and Dean’s, carved almost ten years ago now. While Castiel regretted their secret act of vandalism, damaging the beauty of the magnificent oak, there was something profound and warming about the eternity of their story. Their initials would still be here long after they were gone.

“I’m getting too old to climb this hill,” Dean grumbled, trying to catch his breath. “We need a clandestine meeting place at ground level.

Castiel tilted his head back and laughed. “You’re not even thirty, Dean. Besides, this isn’t a clandestine meeting place anymore. We’ve got thirty guests and a minister arriving in a couple of hours to set things up.”

He turned to see Dean in his tuxedo, looking uncharacteristically nervous. His tie was all askew, no doubt from where he’d been tugging on it all morning. Castiel sighed in mock-exasperation and reached out to fix it for him.

“I thought it was unlucky for you to see me before the service,” Dean mumbled.

“Neither of us is in a dress,” Castiel pointed out wryly.

“Unfortunately for our guests. I’ll have you know I look fantastic in a gown.”

Castiel laughed again and pecked Dean on the lips. “I’m sure you do. But I much prefer you like this, in a dashing suit. What time is Sam getting here?”

“Any time now. What about Gabriel?”

Castiel checked his watch. “In about an hour. How are you feeling?”

“Me? Fine…” Dean paused, narrowing his eyes at Castiel. “Are you asking if I have cold feet?”

“Well, do you?” Castiel asked, hesitantly. “This is your last chance. If you run away after Gabriel gets here, he might shoot you.”

Dean smiled. “I’m not going anywhere. You?”

Castiel shook his head, returning the smile. “My feet are toasty warm.”

“Lies. They were pressed against me all night and they were anything but toasty. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you refrigerate them before coming to bed.”

Castiel laughed again and took Dean’s hand in his own. In a matter of hours, they’d be married, ready to start the rest of their lives together. It was only fitting that they have the ceremony here, a place that had seen them through so many times of sadness, but also joy.

 “What are you thinking?” Dean asked, curiously. “You’ve got that look on your face like you’re thinking of something sappy and poetic.”

Dean knew him so well. Castiel glanced over at his soon-to-be husband, his eyes filled with love and happiness. “I was just thinking that I can’t wait to marry you.”

He cut off Dean’s attempt at reciprocating the sentiment with a kiss, that was soon followed by the kiss that marked the beginning of the rest of their lives.

And it all happened beneath the old oak tree.

Masterpost

[meatclowntv]

Fallout 4 OC BIO

Desmond

Tw: Mentions Animal violence, a bit of gore, blood, mentions of bulling, mentions of abuse, Mentions of suicide,

Basic Info:

Birth Name: Desmond

Gender: Male

Age(Before the war): 27

Race: Caucasian Human

Sexuality: Pansexual

Religion: N/A

Appearance:

Hair: Originally Pale White due to him being albino, however sometimes(especially when he was younger) dyes his hair black to fit in with a crowd.

Skin Tone: Pale White, this is also due to him being albino...

Eye Color: Red

Scars: Has had a lot of physical scars but most of them have already healed or aren’t than notable but, he does like to stitch his neck for cosmetic reasons to I guess that could count

Height: 5’5

Weight: 119 Ibs

(Current)SPECIAL:

Strength: 4

Perception: 2

Endurance: 9

Charisma: 10

Agility: 6

Luck: 2

Top 5 Favorite Perks:

Cannibal

Big Leagues

Sneak

Intimidation

Bloody Mess

Likes:

His (dead) wife(He doesn’t just like his wife but his wife is one and probably is his favorite person in the whole world and was the only reason he lived for awhile..) Melee Weapons, Meat(sense it’s one of the only things he like to eat), Dogs, The Institute mostly because of his son.

Dislikes:

The BOS, The Railroad, Anything that tastes too sweet, Guns(He just doesn’t like using them in a fight), The Sun due to his skin being sensitive to the sun, Not feeling in control, Showing “unwanted emotions”.

Combat Style:

Style 1:

He Likes to sneak from behind while they aren’t looking and stab them with a knife(preferably the Sacrificial Blade or Pickmans Blade) while they aren’t looking

Style 2:

If Style 1 doesn’t work, he’ll attempt to kill them with absolute brute force and a knife by slicing them or bashing them in the head with a Swatter as much as they can. He doesn’t mind this option though.

Style 3:

If all else fails he’ll basically take a hit of psycho and beat the ever loving life out of the opponent in any way they can, if that means using a Fat Man, so be it. This isn’t his favorite way of fighting, but this will have to do for him.

Strengths:

Creative, Decisive, Determined, Passionate, Slow to Anger, Subtle, Skillful, Sociable

Flaws:

Extremely Private, Perfectionist, Always needs to have a cause, Can burn out easily, Somewhat sensitive, Manipulative, Cryptic, Ruthless, Slightly has a lack of emotions

Backstory:

Сhildhood:

Desmond’s Child hood was absolute hell to be completely honest with you, that’s how he viewed it at least, one overly sensitive and abusive father who always had a gun when he slept, a mother who neglected him every moment unless he was in trouble, his Older brother named Michael, who Desmond viewed as a coward, a pathetic coward that never helped him, and lastly Michael’s dog Rex. He looked so much different from the rest of his family due to him being albino and everyone else being blonde or brunette.. He was bullied somewhat but not a lot. No one really payed any attention to him and viewed him as that one kid who doesn’t like to talk, and that was the case. But he started to grow violent because of the constant neglect and abuse he’d endure when he was at home, this led to taking his violent needs out on small animals like squirrels and insects. One day however, when he was on the swing set of his elementary schools playground, crying, a girl sat next to him and asked him if he was okay. Desmond has never met such a beautiful person before. That’s when their relationship started to flourish. He found out her name was Nora, a blind girl who lived in the rich house down the street. She loved to listen to music. Desmond would alway help her if she needed any help getting around the elementary school or if she needed anything. This would continue onward and even their adult years.

Teen Years:

His Teen years we’re probably his worst yet best years of his life. Unlike his childhood years, his teen years had a lot of good in them to out way the bad parts. When he was in Middle school he was bullied quite more than in elementary school, he was beaten by his peers sometimes and locked in his very own locker, but to everyone’s surprise, he’d still keep that stupid yet creepy smile on his face even when he was bullied at school and harassed at home, this changed when his brother Michael and his “friends” (who are in high school) harassed Nora and pushed her around, but Desmond saw it all, and went to go help her as soon as he could. She told him about how they grab at her and called her horrible names that she didn’t want to say aloud, she stared to weep but Desmond held her tight and told her this wouldn’t happen again. This gave him a sickening plan... In the morning, two days after the incident, Michael woke up to see his dad was off to work as well as his mother, but Rex was no where to be found, he looked everywhere to find no trace of him, until he found his collar on the end of his bed side table, that’s when the stench began to grow from his old play toat that used to be filled toys. He hesitantly opens in, and to his absolute horror, the toat that was once filled with toys, was now filled with the rotting carcass of his beloved dog Rex.. He screamed in frightened horror and shock and that’s when Desmond walked in with that shit eating smile, Michael looked at him and the only thing that could come out of his lips we’re, “did..did you-?”. He pointed at his dog. Desmond responded with a yes and walked away. His parents soon found out and called the cops, but the cops didn’t have any evidence to point it to Desmond, this was because He already got rid of the evidence a long time ago. He got his revenge. This was, however, only one of many of his murders. In high school, Desmond started to dye his hair black to fit in with the others, this is also when Nora and him started getting in to a romantic relationship. This didn’t change the fact he still had his violent tendencies that grew in the passing days, he kept them under wrap sense he didn’t want the only person he truly cared about to leave him. He was liked at school and was some what respected by his peers for not being afraid to tell off a teacher or beat the snot some big jock who didn’t know when to shut up. He was the smartest person in the world and he would get in trouble from time to time, but besides that he was an average student to most of the teachers. In senior year he wanted to celebrate in the biggest way possible, he proposed to Nora when he was signing up to go to the military in which Nora started to cry happily as she nodded in pure excitement. They held each other for awhile. Now for his final step. He planned this for weeks, months and even years! And he finally got it set up, for the grand finale of his fathers life. It was late at night, his mother was out doing something with her gal pals, while her husband was tied to the bed by his most hated son. He successfully drugged his fathers alcohol. His father was stricken in fear, while Desmond started to laugh at him, reminding him in excruciating detail of how much he hurt Desmond, how much he suffered throughout his entire childhood and became “violent” in the process and telling him that this was all his fault he was in this position. His father yelled at him and told Desmond to shut up and to untie him before he’d kill Desmond, in turn, Desmond grabs the pistol from his dads side table in the room and shot him repeatedly in the head until he finally died. He got rid of the evidence, called the police and got the scene all set up. In the end, the police couldn’t blame Desmond for the crime, and blamed it on a drunken suicide attempt the ultimatly succeeded. His mother wept and cried saying it was all Desmond but the cops repeatedly said it couldn’t have been him. Desmond moved out shortly after to live with his future wife Nora in her house while he got ready to go join the military.

Adult Years:

In his adult years Desmond became married to Nora and a soldier in the war, while his wife was doing her job while pregnant with Shaun, his part took awhile to get done with and it got all of the violent feelings out of him, he went back home when he was aloud to and he was ecstatic to find out she was okay and Shaun was to. After Nora gave Birth two days after he felt so over joyed and cried happy tears for the first time in his life. He took really good care of them and did whatever he could to make them happy. He was finally just absolutely happy for the first time in his life with a family he can finally call his own. That all changed when the bombs fell.. He quickly grabbed Nora and Shaun and ran to the vault, not caring about anyone else but them. He couldn’t lose any of them. He just couldn’t. However they made it inside of the vault, he held Nora tightly in his arms like his life depended on it. Nora told him she was okay and told him not to worry, it wasn’t like she was going anywhere anytime soon. They soon grabbed their vault suits and headed to the cryochambers, he gave Shaun and Nora a goodbye hug and hoped that he would be able to see them soon once he was let out of his Cryo Chamber. He did, yes, but not in the way he wanted... As his Cryo Chamber thawed out, he witnessed this strange man start to take his son away, Desmond started banging on the Cryo Chamber he was stuck in, Nora struggled to let Shaun go, but in the end, the man put a bullet in her head. Desmond screamed in agony and started to punch the Cryo Chamber harder, and harder. But then he was frozen again. Once he was let out, not knowing or caring how long it’s been, he rushes to Noras Cryo Chamber and rapidly presses the button, she falls limp onto the floor. He immediately falls to the ground and hold her tightly not wanting to let go, not wanting to believe she was actually dead, the first and only person who gave him happiness who always longed for, gone, dead, he hesitantly let’s go of her, taking the ring off her finger, he kisses her goodbye and promises her he’ll find Shaun, he WILL find Shaun. He clutches the ring growing angry. Not looking back, he walks off to start his rampage across the Commonwealth, and no one will get in his way.

[aria-writes]

Good Morning Westchester

So here’s the first oneshot I ever wrote that I’ was actually proud of.

prompt used: my best friend dragged me to a party some of the senior football players are throwing and it’s really boring and the only interesting thing is the boy playing beer pong on the patio

Words: 1631

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here, as in life and death and existence and all that. Maybe there's meaning somewhere out there, or maybe there's not. Maybe the people out there doing yoga at mountainside resorts seeking enlightenment are just fooling themselves and others, wasting their time and money chasing something unattainable.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here, as in THIS FLIPPING PARTY FULL OF HUMANS. HUMANS, I TELL YE.

"Hi, I'm Bill Hearst, and this is my colleague, Tyler Josef."

I pasted a well-practiced smile on my face and tuned the oh-so familiar voice out.

Presenting, the reason why. That's my best friend, we've known each other since diapers. Comes from money, but is actually pretty down-to-earth. Though the line starts to blur between eccentric and just plain nuts.

A goth chick looked me up and down. My pastel dress and matching earrings... and nails... and shoes... and purse... probably don't exactly scream 'Tyler'.

"Uh. Nice to meet you both."

I did my best to smile, but I really don't want to be here. I'd rather be reading. Maybe I can hide in the bathroom?

I banished the thought. Who knows what kind of germs are in there.

By the time I fully returned to the real world, the goth girl had left.

I poked Bill on the arm and frowned.

"Why do you always do this?"

"Because it's fun." Bill grinned at me. "I'm still waiting for the first person to question if that's your real name. Besides, gender blender names are all the rage with white suburban soccer moms now. Blake, Spencer, Ryan, Jackson, Connor, Alexander..."

I crossed my arms and waited for him to finish, but he kept going. "Why do you KNOW this?"

Bill shrugged. "Because I google random stuff instead of studying. Noah, Mason, Kyle, Levi, Maxwell, Evan, Oliver, Sebastian..."

I put my hand up to stop him. "Okay, well, Sebastian is a horrible name to give your child, no matter what gender they are."

Bill swung around me and leaned against the wall.

"First of all, Michael, that's offensive to Sebastians everywhere. Secondly, who doesn't want to share a name with a crab?" He cocked his head to the side. "Or was it a lobster?"

Some drunk girl came out of nowhere, running into the wall right next to me.

"Ariiiiana Graaande? Isss that yooouu?" She slurred, reaching out at me a little too enthusiastically for my liking.

I could hear Bill snickering on my other side.

I took a step back, eyes wide. "Very much no."

"Oh." She looked disappointed, then wandered off in a haze.

I shook my head and looked around at the few people milling about.

"This place is so dead. Aren't teen parties supposed to be all, all night rages and burning down houses?"

Bill adjusted his vest and gave me a funny look.

"Don't believe everything you hear. Maybe we should get you somewhere less flammable."

I sighed and leaned against the wall, rolling my shoulders back.

"Is it too much to ask—"

Bill shook his head slightly, cutting me off.

"I am an extrovert, Phineas Taylor, and this may be hard for you to understand, but if I don't get human interaction, I can and will die." He stared at me with complete seriousness.

I furrowed my brows. "...Uh huh."

Bill sighed and tugged at the cuff of his sleeve. "They have a patio? But you have to promise you won't throw yourself into the pool or something crazy like that."

I leaned forward and shook his hand with a little too much enthusiasm. "Deal. Besides, you're more likely to do that than I am."

We weaved around two people arguing about something that had to do with the budget of the student government. I don't understand how people get so invested in this stuff, but okay.

I closed my eyes and leaned out over the balcony as we stepped into the fresh air. "Ah, peace and qu—"

"THIS IS NOT LIKE WII POOL AT ALL!" A high-pitched, but still decidedly male voice yelled.

I raised my head and stared out over the balcony like I was looking into a camera on The Office.

Bill laughed at my disgruntled expression. "You're the only who was complaining about it being boring a few minutes ago!"

"Well, I didn't mean... this!" I whisper-shouted and gestured over to a table surrounded by loud teenage boys. Are there any other kind?

Bill elbowed me. "That would be beer pong, my young sheltered friend."

I rolled my eyes.

"Never mind, that's it. Sorry, but I'm jumping in the—" I was about to head down the stairs of the balcony when something caught my eye. Blonde curly hair, greenish eyes (as far as I can tell from here), and a dazzling smile.

Oh no, he's hot.

I was probably staring for ten minutes straight.

"If you're really bored, we can head out." Bill's voice startled me and jolted me out of my thoughts.

"I, uh, wuh?" I stuttered, pulling my eyes away and trying to appear unfazed. "I mean, nah, I can stay."

Bill saw right through that.

"Finally found something that piqued your interest, eh? Or someone?"

He followed my gaze over to where Blondie was receiving instructions from a slightly confused redhead. "Aha." He pushed off the balcony and started walking over to them.

I eyed him suspiciously. "Where are you going, Liam?"

"WOO! AND THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE, SON!" Blondie pumped his fists into his air and danced around in a small circle, whacking his hip against the table in the process. "Ow!"

Bill waved me off. "Don't you trust me?"

Red rolled his eyes. "I'm a year older than—"

Blondie grabbed his shoulders, grinning from ear to ear. "Shut up and eat in the moment."

I blinked a few times. "...no? Not really? Willy-Billy, you get back here or I'm going to call you even more embarrassing nicknames for the rest of your life—" I looked to my left and my right, then inched closer.

Red reached up and slowly pushed Blondie's hands off his arms. "It's 'drink in the moment', Race."

Blondie shrugged, seemingly undeterred. "I've heard it both ways."

Red pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "No you haven't."

Bill finally reached the table, grabbing Blondie and Red's attention. I'm too far away to hear what's being said over the general noise. What the heck does he think he's—

Blondie looked over at me and we made eye contact. I felt my face flush as he grinned at me.

Wait just a clock tick, is he moving towards me?

Wait, no, what do I do? What do I say? 'Hi, I want your babies'? Absolutely not. Not that. It's probably too late to run and pretend like I didn't see him, but I'm just standing here frozen. At least I know I won't pass out because you have to have a drop in your blood pressure to faint, and mine has definitely risen. That's not helpful, me! I don't need your useless paramedical facts!

Blondie shoved his hands in his pockets as he approached me.

"So, Halo, right?" Even his voice is drop dead gorgeous, if that makes any sense.

"Guh?" I blinked dumbly.

The only good thing about me currently being rooted to the spot is, I don't think I'm going to fall over at least?

"Your friend said that was your name, Halo, like the angel..." He gestured above his head with a small smile.

...Bill, I am going to murder you.

I scoffed in disbelief and shook my head.

"Yeah, not exactly. He never calls me by my real name, though. I should be glad it wasn't anything embarrassing like 'Princess'." I unconsciously picked at the skin at the edges of my fingernails.

Blondie smiled and leaned forward.

"Eh, I get that. I don't go by my real name, either. Everyone calls me Race. Pleasure to meet you."

You know what? He looks like a male version of Rapunzel. Be still, my heart.

I reminded myself to keep breathing. I tried to lean against the balcony and, I dunno, look cool I guess, but I missed and almost fell over.

I felt my heart leap into my throat as I frantically regained my balance.

"Bwuh— I mean, you too. I mean, me too. I mean, the pleasure is all mine and... Is that short for Eraser?"

Race glanced down and snorted, smirking. "That's a new one. No, it's Racetrack. Racetrack Higgins." He took my hand, lips brushing against my knuckles.

Wow. I'm an idiot. Also, I can feel my whole face going red. Error 404 gateway timeout—

"Oh. Sorry." I clenched and unclenched my free hand in an effort to release tension any way I could.

"You can call me anything you want, doll. Oh, speaking of which," He pressed a slip of paper into my palm and winked. "Call me sometime, hm?"

Have you ever seen someone so beautiful you just started crying? I know it sounds weird, but this one time—

I bit my lip and shifted my weight from one side to the other. "Yeah, um, I will."

"Cool." Blondie– I mean Race– did finger guns at me. "See you around." He headed back in Red's direction.

I smiled, awestruck, then turned and walked away in a bit of a daze. What just happened?

I walked right into Bill.

"Yo, Eminem. What can I say except you're welcome?" He did ridiculous jazz hands, which made me laugh despite everything else.

"Shut up, Billiam. But thanks, I guess." I glanced down at my hand, still smiling. Maybe this whole 'socializing with other human beings' thing wasn't completely awful and pointless after all.

[destiel-love-forever]

Hi, I hear you're taking prompts? 😊 Could you do a post S13, where Dean is injured during a hunt. As a result, he ends up deaf or blind. I don't mind which. Also, maybe make it Destiel? But not already in a relationship. Thank you. 😊

- Hello! Thank you so so much for this prompt. I absolutely loved writing this. I’ve never done an injured fic for some reason, but I’m glad I got to with this one. 

Read on AO3: Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace

“He’s not talking to anyone about it,” Sam warns Castiel before the angel can even open his mouth to ask.

Castiel glares at Sam as he rips off his trenchcoat. Not only did Dean’s brother fail to call him immediately after finding Dean's vessel emptied of Michael - waiting four fucking hours before telling him that Dean was blinded- but he also seems to be trying to convince him to leave Dean alone. It’s not going to happen. Castiel doesn’t care what stubborn Dean Winchester wants. He doesn’t care that Dean doesn’t like Castiel healing him. He doesn’t care that Dean likes to suffer in silence. Sam isn’t stopping him this time.

Castiel will fix this.

“Cas,” Sam warns again, grabbing his arm when Castiel tries walking by him to get to Dean’s room.

Castiel takes a deep breath, reminding himself that he loves Sam almost as much as he loves Dean. “Sam, I’m going in there. Don’t even think about trying to stop me.”

“He’s really upset.”

“Well, I can imagine. The man can no longer see!”

“No, you don’t,” Sam closes his eyes and shakes his head. “You don’t understand the full extent of it, Cas.”

For the first time since storming inside the bunker, Castiel actually slows down and pays attention to Sam. “What do you mean?”

“It's not just his eyesight. It's - Michael did something to his mind. I don't know what. Whatever it is, though, that's what's making him blind. His eyes appear otherwise fine. Uninjured. Not hazy or weird looking like Pamela's were. There's no reason for him to not be able to see. But he just can't.”

Castiel can hear that there's more, even though Sam stops there. He asks, “What else?”

“Huh?”

“What else has Michael done to Dean's mind?”

Sam winces. “I'm not sure. But he's different. Almost void. He recognized me and smiled when he heard me but it was distant. And he just gives short answers, his voice floaty like he's distracted. Sometimes he winces, too. Like he's in pain. And when he does that, he presses his fingers against his temples and squeezes his eyes shut.”

Rage thrums beneath the surface of Castiel’s skin. When this is over, when Dean is okay, Castiel is going to hunt down Michael and kill him slowly. Painfully.

“I need to see him,” Castiel tells Sam.

Sam nods. “I know. I just needed to tell you - warn you - first.”

With a tight smile of understanding, Castiel excuses himself and heads down the hall toward Dean's bedroom. When be gets to the door, he places his hand against the wood and closes his eyes. He can feel the emotion pouring from the man he loves. It's blue. So very blue.

He pushes the door open and sees Dean jump, clearly unsettled by the fact that he can't see who it is. Putting him out of his misery, Castiel quickly whispers, “It's okay, Dean. It's me. Cas. You are safe.”

Dean relaxes on the bed and beneath all the blue, Castiel sense a slight violet. The same color he sees in his mind when Dean looks at him a little too long, or when his touch lingers on Castiel as he walks by.

Sitting on the edge of the mattress, Castiel looks into Dean's unblinking eyes. Sam was right, there's no visible injury, but he still needs to at least try.

“I'm going to touch you. Stay still,” he warns. Then he places two fingertips against the center of Dean's forehead and closes his eyes to concentrate. He feels his grace build and build and build before - nothing.

There's nothing for him to fix. Or, more accurately, nothing he is capable of fixing.

“You can't help, can you?” Dean asks, resigned as he sinks into the bed and squeezes his eyes shut.

For a moment, Castiel is quiet. He pulls the thick blanket over Dean and tucks him in, then softly cards his fingers through the man's hair. “No, Dean. I cannot fix this. But we will find a way. We always do.”

“I'm scared,” he admits, his voice cracking down the middle.

“So am I.”

“He did something to my mind too. Not just my eyes. I can feel him inside it.”

Castiel tenses. “What do you mean?”

Dean looks up at him. Even though he can't actually see Castiel, the skin around his eyes tightens when they land on the angel. Emotion floods the bright green irises. “Every time I think, it's like he's pushing against the thoughts. He's making me doubt everything. Making me worry. Making me lose all hope.”

“Dean-”

“Cas, do you love me?”

Startled, Castiel is thankful that Dean is blind - as terrible as that makes him - because Dean can't see the swift reaction the question yanks from Castiel. It takes everything in the angel to swallow the lump in his throat and croak out the question, “Why?”

“Because I always hoped you did, and he's saying you don't, and it's driving me fucking nuts. He's bothering other thoughts too but this one feels like he's screaming at me. Like he's slamming himself against it with all his might. I need to know the truth, Cas. Please.”

With a soft touch to Dean’s cheek, Castiel whispers, “Yes, Dean, I do.”

Big green eyes blink up at him as if Dean can actually see. ��Really?”

“Of course.” Castiel shifts his fingers until he’s cupping the side of Dean’s face. He smiles when Dean leans into the touch and hums in appreciation. “How could I not love you, Dean?”

“How much time do we have?” Dean asks with a frustrated little huff. “I could list things all day.”

“Anything you could list would be a reason to love you, Dean. Trust me. I’ve watched you be an idiot for years. I’ve seen you drink until you can’t walk or talk. I’ve seen you make some questionable choices for sexual partners. I’ve seen you sacrifice yourself for family. For the world. I’ve seen you fight with Sam. Fight with me. I’ve seen you hate. Love. Grieve. Fail. Succeed. I’ve watched you laugh until you cry. I’ve watched you cry until you laugh. Dean, I - I’ve seen you in hell.” He pauses, allowing all of that to sink in. “When I found you, you had a blade in your hand, an innocent soul on your wrack.”

“She wasn’t innocent,” Dean mumbles in a weak defense.

“She was in hell because of a deal she made for her dying 3 year old son, Dean.”

Dean slumps back, eyes sliding closed. “You never told me that.”

“You knew they were all mostly innocent, Dean. You’re smart. You understood the truly evil souls didn’t need to be put on your wrack.”

“Yeah. I - yeah.” Dean scrubs a hand against his face. Then he laughs at himself. “Why the fuck would you love me if you knew I knew that, Cas?”

“Because,” Castiel whispers softly. “You were never more human than in that moment I saved you, Dean.”

Scoffing, Dean says, “Yeah. A weak human.”

“No. No, Dean. That humanity was your strength. It always will be. The angels say I gave up everything because I fell in love with humanity, but that’s not true, Dean. I fell in love with your humanity.”

A silence falls over the room, heavy and overwhelming. Castiel knows he needs to let it remain until Dean is ready to talk. It’s easier said than done.

To distract himself, Castiel shifts on the bed so he can pull Dean into his arms. He presses his lips against the top of his head before resting his chin in the spot. One hand is resting on Dean’s hip, holding him tight, while the other strokes soft circles on his bare arm.

With a deep breath, Dean asks, “Do you regret it?”

“No.”

“Have you ever?”

“Not for a second.” Castiel smiles to himself. “I’ve regretted many things, but you, Dean Winchester, is not one of them. Never will be.”

“Even though I’m blind and useless now?”

Castiel chuckles, trying to pretend the words don’t twist a knife in his chest. “First of all, you could never be useless. Second of all, don’t underestimate us. We’ll fix this.”

“One of these days, we won’t be able to fix it. What if this is that time?”

“It’s not.”

“Cas-”

“Dean, it’s not.” He forces himself to move past the fact that he’s pretty sure his relationship with Dean has gone from friends to romance, focusing instead on the problem at hand. “Talk to me about him. What is he doing right now?”

Dean pauses, trying to do an assessment. “Nothing. He’s silent.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

Castiel shakes his head. “I want to test a theory.”

“Oh?”

“Close your eyes.”

For a moment, Dean just stares at him - or a few inches to the left of him - green eyes bright. Then he does as told. It takes him a few seconds but he finally relaxes against Castiel, keeping his eyes closed, and waits patiently.

“Keep them closed until I say. Promise?”

Dean shifts, then nods. “Promise.”

“Good.” Castiel takes a deep breath, then whispers, “Dean, you can see. He’s saying you can’t but he’s wrong. He’s messing with your head. You can see.”

“But I can’t.”

“Just like you couldn’t believe I loved you, until I convinced you otherwise. He’s not inside you anymore, Dean. It’s just like when Sam got his soul back. He saw Lucifer, and Lucifer could drive him crazy, but none of it was real. Michael isn’t inside your head, Dean. I can’t sense him. There’s no grace in your body.”

“Then why can’t you fix me?”

“Because there’s nothing to be fixed, babe. It’s all in your head. You can see, Dean. He just wants you to believe you can’t. But I promise, you can. You can see.”

Castiel feels Dean sink into his hold. “I’m afraid. What if I open them and I can’t?”

“You can, though. No reason to be afraid. Trust me.” Castiel presses a kiss to his forehead. “You can see. Say it.”

There’s a long pause but then Dean nods once and whispers, “I can see.”

“You can. I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Do you trust me, Dean? Do you believe me?”

“Yes,” Dean says without hesitation.

“Then open your eyes.”

Dean hitches a slight breath before slowly opening his eyes. He stares straight ahead without blinking and Castiel’s heart begins to sink. Just as he’s about to apologize for getting Dean’s hopes up, for making an educated guess and being wrong, Dean’s launching out of his lap and turning around so he can straddle Castiel.

With wide green eyes, Dean studies every available inch of Castiel’s face. His hands come up to map it as well. He smiles and a tear falls from his right eye. “I forgot how beautiful you are.”

“Rude,” Castiel teases, his lips pulling into a smile as his body sags in relief.

Dean rolls his eyes. “Shut up, you know what I mean. I just - I never let myself look long enough. I never got much of an opportunity to memorize the details.”

“Well, then. Take your time.” Castiel sinks back against the pillows, getting into a comfortable position. “I’m not going anywhere.”

With a shy smile, Dean begins to study him more thoroughly. He maps his forehead, his fingertips dipping into the wrinkles there before smoothing over his eyebrows. Castiel’s eyes flutter closed so Dean can gently touch each eyelid, then caress the soft black lashes attached to them, tickling Castiel’s cheekbones where the hair kisses the skin. He taps the bags under his eyes, worry churning in his gut because angels shouldn’t look so damn exhausted, then traces the crows feet that are barely noticeable at the moment. He smiles to himself, thinking of how deep they get when Castiel grins. When he laughs.

Castiel blinks his eyes open and Dean memorizes them. The color is so deep and pure, but just along the inner edge of his right iris there’s a lighter blue, same with the left. It’s the same shade as angel grace.

Dean blushes when his fingers touch Castiel’s soft pink lips. He’s imagined kissing them so many times. They’re fuller than he thought, plump and giving as he prods at them. The dip in the bottom lip is just big enough for the tip of his thumb to rest there. Castiel parts his lips ever so slightly to make room and Dean’s breath catches.

Their eyes lock and the room fills with an electricity that makes even the angel shiver.

“What are you thinking?” Castiel eventually whispers, when the air around them has built toward a lightning storm.

“How thankful I am that I can see this. That I’m here - right now - doing this.”

The lips surrounding his thumb twitch into a smile. “You’ve touched and seen, but you haven’t tasted.”

If Dean didn’t feel like he was standing on the edge of an abyss, maybe he’d tease Castiel for how smoothe that was. He’s too in over his head, though, and all he can do is grin like a complete idiot. “Maybe we should fix that.”

“Oh, we should definitely fix that,” Castiel says with an air of authority.

Taking Dean’s wrists in a gentle hold, he moves his hands so that Dean is cupping Castiel’s stubbled cheeks. Dean has only a second to appreciate the new texture before those lips he was just studying are against his own. He gasps into the kiss, eyes wide open like he’s afraid if he closes them, he’ll never be able to see again. Then Castiel’s tongue darts out to lick along the seam of his mouth and Dean can’t help but melt against him, parting his lips and closing his eyes.

They spend the rest of the night in Dean’s bed. Each new area that’s exposed to Dean is observed, traced, and tasted. Castiel takes turns too, even though he memorized the man’s body long ago. Castiel kisses each freckle on Dean, and Dean kisses each scar where an angel blade nicked or sliced Castiel. They explore and catalog every inch until they could conjure an image of each other with their eyes closed.

Then they explore a little more, just for the sake of touching and tasting each other. It’s nearly dawn by the time they get around to making love. It’s mid-afternoon before they wake up and manage to emerge from the room. Sam is standing in the kitchen, stirring rice and veggies in a pan on the stove. He turns to Dean with a worried expression, ready to ask how he’s holding up, when his eyes lock with his brother’s. He knows immediately that Dean can see him.

Before he can rejoice or ask how Castiel fixed him, Sam begins to register other details of his brother. He’s wearing Castiel’s white dress shirt with only two buttons done, in the wrong holes by the way, making one side drop lower than the other. It’s slightly too big for Dean, something Sam would never dare point out, but it makes it so one shoulder is uncovered as it droops down. The shoulder matches Dean’s exposed collarbone and throat, which are covered in bruises. Sam grunts, looking over to find Castiel bare chested and wearing a pair of Dean’s worn out sweatpants. His grace has faded most of the marks on his body, but it does nothing to battle the obscene sex hair, flushed cheeks, or kiss swollen lips.

Sam can’t decide if he should be wishing he were blind, or if he should be jumping up and down in a fangirl-like joy. He settles for in between.

“Three things,” he begins, looking between his brother and the angel. “First, how can you see again? And is it permanently fixed?”

“Michael was just manipulating his thoughts through the damage he did while inside him. Once I helped him overcome those mental blocks, he was fine. It should be permanent. He hasn’t heard Michael since last night.”

The two exchange a look that makes Sam uncomfortable. He does not want to know what was distracting his brother.

“Okay - uh, great. Good.” Sam sees a new mark on Dean, a full bite right on his trap muscle, and cringes. “Two, then. If you are gonna be doing - well - this, here, then there needs to be ground rules. Don’t be gross.”

“Gross?” Castiel asks in equal parts curiosity and confusion.

Dean grins mischievously. “Whatever do you mean, Sammy?”

“I mean gross, Dean. I grew up with you, asshole, remember? I don’t wanna be walking in on you two doing things on the fucking kitchen table or couch or - oh, god - or the library! Don’t you dare ruin the library. Or my bedroom! Bedroom and library are strictly off limits, I don’t care if I’m across the country and you know you’re safe. Off. Limits.” When Dean’s smile just grows, Sam points a finger at him like he’s scolding a small child. “I’m serious, Dean! Cuddling on the couch and kissing and what not is fine - but I’ve seen your naked ass too many times in my lifetime. I don’t need to see it again, especially not while you - you - ya know -”

“Actually, Sam,” Castiel cuts in, looking pleased with himself since he now understands. “You would more likely see mine, as Dean is the bottom in our-”

“Hey, no!” Dean yells at the same time Sam sputters, “What?”

All three stare at each other for a long time. Sam breaks the silence with a shudder and a whispered, “How did that whole blind thing work? Were you mentally blind, too? Because I’d like to be mentally blind right about now.”

“No,” Dean says, looking like he’s caught between humiliation and amusement. “You’re stuck with that mental image, little brother.”

“Well, then, the least you can do is keep it mental. Keep the nakedness away from me.”

Dean opens his mouth, but Castiel nudges him with an elbow and rolls his eyes. Sam can’t help but notice how, even when Castiel is trying to silently scold Dean, the angel can’t bite back a giddy kind of smile.

Castiel turns to Sam, nodding. “We promise, Sam.”

“Fine,” Dean says with a dramatic sigh. “We promise to try.”

“Well, I suppose that’s all I can ask for, then.

“Didn’t you say three things?” Castiel asks with his hand in the air like a shy kindergartner.

“Yes,” Sam says, finally allowing himself to grin. He steps forward and grabs both of them by the back of their necks, tugging them into a group hug. “Number three, fucking finally. I’ve been waiting for this since the damn apocalypse. I thought for sure if the world ending wouldn’t get you two to realize you were meant for each other, nothing would.”

Pulling back, Dean smiles over at Castiel, practically creating hearts in his eyes. “Guess all it took was someone teaching me how to see. Really see, this time.”

Turning back to his food, Sam begins to add more ingredients so all three of them can eat. Castiel goes to the fridge and grabs a bottled water to share with Dean while Dean begins to make coffee just a few inches to Sam’s left.

After a minute, Sam begins to hum, forcing back a smile. At first, Castiel and Dean just continue what they’re doing. Dean pours coffee. Castiel sips water. They sit down together, Castiel taking the entertainment section of the newspaper and Dean taking the comics.

It isn’t until Sam starts muttering the words that Dean freezes. He manages to get seven more words out, “- lost but now am found, t’was blind” before the rolled up section of newspaper is wacking the back of his head, sending him into a burst of laughter.

Unaware that Sam was teasing, Castiel picks up the song with his soft, raspy voice, “T’was blind but now I see -” As he continues, Dean settles back against the counter, staring at the angel in wonder as he sings off key and scans the newspaper for what Dean is sure will be some movie for them to go see that Dean will hate.

Sam stops stirring, observing his brother watching the angel. Dean’s never looked so happy. The amount of relief and joy that floods Sam’s body makes tears well up in his eyes.

Amazing Grace, indeed.

[amwritingmeta]

Good morning, my lovelies! Lookee lookee what I woke up to, curtesy of @margarittet - I could die happy right now. But I don’t want to because I’d be damned if I missed even a second of this coming season!!

Let’s break this mother down!

1. A shot of a trench coated person walking on a darkened street. Dean (in V.O.) praying: “God–”

2.  “–we… need your help.” Dean’s prayer carries on into a shot of Sam and Dean in the Impala on a stretch of forest road.

3. Sam and Dean pull up to a Pirate Pete’s. An edgy Dean says: “Before I destroy the world let me just grab a bag of curly fries.”

4. Quicker flashes of Dean fighting; Jack going very demonic; Dean throwing a knife over Sam’s shoulder while Sam looks taken off guard; Jack, in jeans and tan jacket, “another” teenager with him, using his powers and making a guy fly backwards

5. Sam talking to Dean: “We’ve been down before–”

6. “–we find a way. ‘Cause that’s what we do.” Sam and Dean exiting the lake house. It’s daytime.

7. FLASH of new Big Bad, a bearded gentleman wearing a white suit. 

Insert: SEASON 13

8. MotW plant? Clawed hand, blonde girl screaming

Insert: IS THEIR

9. Quicker flashes of Dean (is it Dean though??) with a guy’s head between his legs being thrown violently onto a table (…………………….); Dean lit up by the headlights of a car, throwing himself out of the way

Insert: LUCKY NUMBER

10. Quicker flashes of bearded guy in Hell choking demons - and enjoying it; Sam, Dean and old dude wearing tan jacket and jeans on a slope, Dean shooting at someone wearing a jacket with a pattern on the back

11. Land with bearded guy in Hell, choked demons falling to the floor. Bearded Guy: “There’s a new sheriff in town.”

12. Back with the moment after Dean has thrown that knife over Sam’s shoulder, both of them looking wary

13. FLASH of someone getting thrown against a wall

END.

So what can we NOT discuss here? I will speculate around these images based on what we know of the first six or so episodes that have been shot so far and we can take it from there. I am so sure that the more savvy knowers of interiors/exteriors/set decor/props etc. and how they’re used on this show will be able to add, and are adding, their own interpretations and thoughts all over, so I’m excited to throw my two cents in. 

Firstly *slow clap* they give us Dawn of Darkness and then Season Thirteen Is Their Lucky Number within hours of one another. (they must surely be taking the piss at this point) (I love it so much)

1. So, this is Cas. I mean it has to be, right? Resurrected. This image of his resurrection set to the word God, and to the sound of Dean praying - it’s quite a formidable introduction to the season promo that, unsurprisingly, doesn’t have any Cas in it. They’ve kept his return under such wraps that giving away what role he’s playing in the narrative of S13 would surely be a ginormous spoiler. So all we get is a possible glimpse, but it’s a glimpse that OPENS the promo, and it’s a glimpse set to Dean PRAYING, praying for God’s assistance, for HELP - one of Cas’ fucking catch phrases (I can help, I only wanted to help) *mind slowly melting with impressions*

2. Sam and Dean in the Impala and that “we” shows that the brotherhood is as strong as ever, as it should be, now with everything they’ve lost and with all that they’re facing. Love this shot of them in Baby, love the winding road, love the implications of journeys and forward momentum - carry on you wayward sons kind of moment.

3. Okay, so… Firstly, it’s a very kid’s themed restaurant so the parental theme feels like it’s already being visually planted. And THEN DEAN IS FUCKING REJECTING FOOD. I know, I know, they have sort of possible End of The Universe stuff to worry about but WHAT??? COPING MECHANISM NUMERO UNO CHECKED OFF THE LIST AS INSUFFICIENT. *mind turning to mish* *I mean mush* *naw it always turns to mish* Okay, so he might still eat. But his first reaction is to reject it. Like wow. Also - edgy much? Irritated and angry over Sam suggesting something he thinks will bring Dean comfort and just YASSSSSSSSSSSSS. Yas please.

4. Okay, so the plants of Dean fighting feel standard, like the MotW flashes (if that’s what they were) but this fighting is cut between shots of Jack: first the UBER DEMONIC one - and yay for this! So Jack will take off for self-preservation reasons in 13x01. It’s shown how Sam and Dean leave the lake house alone, so all bets are on Jack just taking off immediately and the brothers debating whether to kill him on sight, or reason with him. 

The second flash of Jack here is him wearing the tan jacket and jeans we’ve seen him wearing in shots from the set, so we do know that clearly Sam wins out, they decide to reason with him, or he shows them that he’s just frightened and confused and they both rally to him (knife throwing scene feels like it might have something to do with this scenario…). Anyway, this flash of a scene, where Jack throws a guy into a wall just using his hand, could be Jack acting instinctively (which is what I’d like to think is all he can do at the moment, what he has to learn is how to control and tap into his limitless power without it getting the better of him) (age old set up for this type of thing, right - it’s basically Jack’s coming of age story) or it could be Jack being violent for violence sake. We’ll see which way they take it, what his journey is, my bet is on the lack of control, though, moving him and the rest of the characters onto a path towards finding that inner balance needed to feel whole.

5/6. I’m dead. THIS has killed me. My brain is no longer melting, it’s boiling like lava. FFS. Holy hell. SHITBALLS AND ACHING PRIVATE PARTS THIS IS AMAZING. If it is what I read it as: Sam HAVING TO CONVINCE DEAN THEY CAN DO THIS BECAUSE DEAN IS READY TO GIVE UP. That, my friends, is depressed!Dean. And if we so get him for 30 glorious seconds of deep hesitation and lethargy, or of we get him for two scenes, or half an episode, I could not care less. The point is CAS IS DEAD AND DEAN CANNOT SEE ANY REASON TO KEEP FIGHTING. If I’m right in how I read this 1 ½ second plant. :) The circumstances of this scene could be something else ENTIRELY. Pinch of salt, guys. ;)

7. So. The bearded gentleman. I read someone saying it could be AU!Lucifer in a new vessel, which I kind of LOVE… Would he go to the cage and kill Adam to get rid of Michael? I really would LOVE a scene or two with the cage and Adam and crazy Michael (if he IS crazy, if that’s not just Luci being Luci talking smack about his big brother who keeps antagonising him) Asmodeus? Surely this guy WILL have a name we know, it’ll be a character they’ve planted before. Asmodeus, to me, makes most sense… But honestly, I have NO real idea here. Spec spec speculation.

9. Ummmmmmm. Yeah, if that is Dean getting thrown violently into a table, that big, huge, muscle of a man has his face all up in Dean’s business. *cackle* 

10/11. Oh yeah this just underlines that we have a new King of Hell. Who calls himself a “sheriff” (cowboy theme all over this season, yes please) and wears a white suit, as someone already pointed out in the YouTube comments: like Sam when he was Lucifer’s vessel. So that could hint at this actually being AU!Luci… Or our Lucifer’s handmade soldier. Who knows! I’m excited to meet him, he looks badass and fucking amazing! *loud fast happy clapping*

12. Yeah, as mentioned - it feels like that knife is thrown at Jack, but this is absolutely me just inferring my own interpretation of why this particular flash is there and why they come back to it like it has actual significance. One flash of Dean throwing the knife and ok, fine, but here it looks like the brothers are actually in two mindsets in this scene: Sam looks taken aback and Dean throws the knife with an angry determination. The knife doesn’t seem to stick, though, as both of them stare as though they’re wary of what will come next, but Dean is the one who moves. Perhaps this is the moment they take Jack on, Dean coming over to Sam’s side that Jack’s just a kid at the end of the day… Awwwww, idk, but it is fun to be this inspired. My brain is on FIRE. 

If you want to weigh in, please, do! This is all spec ^^^^^ and my reading of these brief shots so if you want to add or just flail with me (or scoff though I’d enjoy that less but I’ll still put my arm around you because scoffing is valid too) then I’m always so damn happy to hear from you all!

Tagging the old faithfuls: @margarittet @naruhearts @tinkdw @weathergirl83 @bluestar86 @sactownbrowns3 @thetwistedwillow @magnificent-winged-beast @daughter-of-the-rain-and-snow 

Ok fuck it I'm dying to tag a few more metas! 

 Hey you guys! Would just love to know what you guys think overall of the promo so forget the spec part if you're not into that, would just be so happy to know your impressions!! @super-sootica (my love!) @postmodernmulticoloredcloak @floralmotif @obsessionisaperfume @elizabethrobertajones

[nickireadstfc]

The Foxhole Court, Chapter 4 – And If You Kindly Look To Your Left, You’ll Be Able To See Shit Getting Real

In which I start captaining the Kandreil ship, Orange Sportsball steps up its game, Neil pulls a Son-Goku and then I proceed to lose my shit because wHAT THE FUCK.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Foxhole Court.

Okay so first of all, WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. WHAT THE SHIT JUST HAPPENED. I LEGIT JUST PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND I AM STILL YELLING AS I TYPE THIS. I WAS NOT PREPARED.

But let’s start at the beginning.

           “Kevin’s on the List,” Nicky said. When Neil frowned, Nicky explained. “It’s a list of celebrities we’re allowed to have affairs with. Kevin is my number three.”

           Neil pretended to understand and changed the topic.

When will Neil stop being #relatable.

Also, one of my besties had a list like that with her last boyfriend! 10/10 would recommend.

Also, who are Nicky’s number two and one because I’m dying to know. Michael Fassbender? Taron Egerton? Michael Clifford? Patty Walters? Zac Efron?

Ah no, sorry, that appears to be my personal list. Got that mixed up.

(You can’t tell me Nicky doesn’t want to bone Zac Efron though. There are only two types of people (who are attracted to men) in the world: People who want to bone Zac Efron, and people who are lying.)

Moving on to our favourite murder son, Andrew, who appears to have exactly zero fucks to give about Exy. No one is surprised. However, he does seem to give a few fucks about Kevin.

Or give them to him? Because this is where the shipping bells started ringing in my overly imaginative brain… which turned out to be not so overly imaginative after all.

           “Stop staring at Kevin so much. You’re making me fear for your life over here.”

           “What do you mean?”

           “Andrew is scary territorial of him. He punched me the first time I said I’d like to get Kevin too wasted to be straight.”

…………. honey, das kinda gay.

My heart already started moving down well-lit, shimmering Kandrew Lane, however Andrew comes out of nowhere and points me back towards more promising pathways:

           Andrew caught Nicky’s jersey in one hand and threw him hard up against the wall. (…)

           “Hey, Nicky,” Andrew said in stage-whisper German. “Don’t touch him, you understand?”

           “You know I’d never hurt him. If he says yes-“

           “I said no.”

           “Jesus, you’re greedy,” Nicky said. “You already have Kevin. Why does it-“

           He went silent, but it took Neil a moment to realize why. Andrew had a short knife pressed to Nicky’s jersey.

Holy shit. That’s not even simple gay, that’s full-on three-way relationship shipping opportunity gay. Did I say Kandrew Lane? Fuck that. We’re going straight down fucking Kandreil Boulevard.

Also, let me correct myself. Andrew points me back towards more promising pathways with a knife. Holy shit?? What?? Who gave this messed-up murder maniac a weapon???

And Messed-up Murder Maniac is actually kind of abusive, which worries me.

           “That’s not okay,” Neil said, pointing at the door.

           “That’s nothing,” Nicky said.

           Neil caught his arm as Nicky passed and hauled him to a stop. “Don’t let him get away with things like that.” (…)

           “That was my fault.” Nicky said. “I said something I shouldn’t have, and I got what I deserved.”

Tumblr has led me to believe that Andrew is a smol gay emo son, not someone who would almost stab his friend and makes him feel guilty about it later. When do we get to meet the soft grunge version? When he’s off his meds?

As someone with friends who actually depend on mental health medication to live regular lives, I’m not really feeling this whole “meds are bad meds make you psycho and give you fake happiness blah blah” crap tbh.

On a more cheerful note: More Orange Sportsball! Cheerful for us, not for Neil, as Kevin and the Gang have made it their personal mission to – what’s the term? Ah yes, completely fuck him up.

First, Kevin sets up a death match that’s pretty much Neil vs Everyone, and then he makes him fire penalty shots at a malicious Andrew (yes, that scene) that fuck up Neil’s arms more than Iggy Azalea fucked up rap music.

But Stubborn Protagonist isn’t giving up, ho boy: Cue a Dragon Ball-style training montage, starring Sore Muscles, Impossible Standards and Determination in the leading roles.

(Now I’m imagining Neil as Son-Goku, complete with snazzy orange uniform (at least he’s used to the colour already), hiking up and down wonky stairs carrying piles of rocks. Fanart, now.)

Then, one night, Neil catches Kevin and Andrew having some wonderful boyfriend alone time at the court which he, of course, decides to join in on.

This is the point where we are once again reminded of what a dramatic little fucker Andrew is: His trademark accessories are bandages that have sheats built in for knives that he just wears on a daily basis. HOW ARE YOU SO EXTRA HOMBRE.

           “Why do you hate this game so much?”

           Andrew sighed as if Neil was being purposefully obtuse. “I don’t care enough about Exy to hate it. It’s just slightly less boring than living is, so I put up with it for now.”

Not even MCR’s debut album was this emo.

           “Isn’t it fun?” Neil asked.

           “Someone else asked me that same thing two years ago. Should I tell you what I told him? I said no.”

*cough* Kevin *cough*

*cough* it kills me how much those two are alike *cough*

          Andrew’s smile was small and cold. “You be something. Kevin says you’ll be a champion. Four years and you’ll go pro. Five years and you’ll be Court. He promised Coach. He promised the school board. He argued until they signed off on you.”

I’m………… dying………... I’m not even fucking trying this ship sails itself.

           “Your loose ends aren’t adding up,” Andrew said.

           “I’m not a math problem.”

           “But I’ll still solve you.”

Real smooth, homie, real smooth.

As much as I’d like to linger on the wonderful shipping currently unfolding before my eyes, we do have actual plot to get to: IT’S NEILLY BABY BACKSTORY TIME FUCK YES.

We learn aboute the absolute fucking tragedy that is his mom’s death, bleeding out on a lone beach in California and teenage Neil having to burn her and immediately having to hit the road again, not even able to mourn properly.

What the hell. As much as I like to make fun of him for being Extra and Dramatic, I get the feeling that it’s absolutely valid knowing what he’s been through (and the others as well, probably.)

And as this was all sad and tragic and stuff, I thought we’d be done with the backstory reveals for today.

Boy, was I wrong.

           “I warned Andrew he was going to come for me. I told him!”

           “It doesn’t matter. You signed a contract with me.”

           “He could pay off my scholarship in a heartbeat. You know he would. He’d pay you off and take me home and I-I can’t go back there. (…) I should go now, before he has to come for me. Maybe he’ll forgive me if I go back. If I make him hunt me down any more than I have already he’ll kill me for sure.”

What. What is going on. Who’s gonna kill Kevin.

           “Shut up,” Wymack said. “You’re not going anywhere.”

           “I can’t tell Riko no!”

RIKO. We’ve heard of that fucker before.

In the words of our lord and saviour Han Solo: I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

           “How much did you hear?” Wymack said.

           “Kevin’s having a nervous breakdown,” Neil said. “I don’t know why.”

           “Edgar Allan put in a transfer request with the ERC and it was approved this morning. They’re party of the southeastern district effective June 1st”

So the Ravens and the Foxes have to play against each other? Although this is a nice twist, it’s also standard sports drama plot technique, no surprises so far. What’s the catch?

           It’d been heard enough facing Kevin in Arizona. How could Neil risk meeting Riko too? Just because Kevin didn’t remember Neil didn’t mean Riko wouldn’t either. Neil didn’t want to find out the hard way if Riko had the better memory of the two.

WAIT, so Neil has shared history with Riko too?? Makes sense considering that Kevin and Riko used to be inseparable until a few years ago, and they most likely met when they were kids. Still, didn’t think about it that way.

And then Wymack (and Nora) drops an entire bombardment of plot bombs on us.

           “Do you know why Kevin came to Palmetto State?”

What followed was me screaming WHAT THE FUCK for a good eight pages.

Turns out Kevin’s childhood was about as awesome as Neil’s, which mean absolutely fucking not. So Riko’s family is a Japanese mafia gang, the Ravens are their cover for their shady murder businesses and Kevin was pretty much abused his whole childhood?? And Riko broke Kevin’s hand, and did it purely out of spite??? Like a toy you break if you don’t want to play with it anymore?? And now they want revenge for Kevin’s escape by destroying him on the court, breaking what last willpower he has, and cashing in on the publicity this gets them??

WHAT THE ACTUAL EVERLASTING FUCK?????????

But we’re not done yet, ho boy. Because plot fucking twist!! Neil used to play little league with the Moriyamas!! Itsy bitsy ten-year-old Neil livin’ it up with Kevin and Riko while the adults were upstairs doing some good ol’ murders!! Because his father is the ultimate crime lord of Baltimore and best pals with all the Japanese gangs in the area!! Also, the dads killed a dude in a conference room once and made the lil ones watch!! It all connects and I am NOT FUCKING LIKING IT.

Also, his mum didn’t only run away with him, but stole five million dollars before she did.

Five. Million. What a gal.

Back to the point at hand: WHAT THE FUCK?? WHAT IS HAPPENING?? I DID NOT EXPECT THAT MUCH BACKSTORY THIS EARLY ON?? I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE LIKE THE BIG REVEAL AT THE END?? I WAS NOT PREPARED!!

           Neil had grown up wondering why Kevin and Riko were in that room eight years ago and how they’d overcome it. He’d wondered why their luck and circumstances were so different that they could become international stars while Neil’s life spiralled so quickly out of control. He’d hated and worshipped them all his life, jealous of their successes and desperate for them to excel. Now it seemed he’d been wrong all along; Kevin hadn’t escaped either.

           No matter what they did or who they became, maybe they never would.

I’m not okay. I need a moment. This just all got so much more interesting.

Shit just got real, you guys.

[placetobenation]

As many of you are aware, WWE Network is pretty packed with all sorts of content. And as you may also know, we here at Place to Be Nation love long term, in depth projects. So, as part of this initiative, members of the PTBN Staff are choosing programs at random and after watching each program, they will share their thoughts, notes and recommendations with our readers. So, settle in and enjoy this epic ride through wrestling history!

Smackdown! October 31st 2002

Run Time: 83 Minutes

Why Jacob Why???: Since this edition be running right around Halloween, I thought I’d pick one of the more Halloween-centric WWF/E shows. Plus, it’s an excuse to watch the Smackdown Six.

Best Segment

OhhhhhhhhYEEEEAAAAH!

Aaron George: Matt Hardy enters the Halloween party with a boom box blasting his theme song. Sure he could have entered without it, but what kind of Mattitude would that project? Before long he’s declaring Moolah and Mae Young to be “Version BC” and quickly notes that their Mattitude has all dried up. We would have been treated to sheer perfection if only he had blasted that sweet boom box on his exit.

Brian Bayless: While seeing John Cena dressed as Vanilla Ice and rapping was great and ended up elevating his career, I though the brawl between Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle backstage at the party was the best of the night. It had everything from comedy (We saw Brother Love revealed behind the Scream mask & costume, the same costume Angle was using to avoid Benoit earlier in the show) and a wild brawl that saw Benoit break a bottle over Angle’s head just before getting put through a table with an Angle Slam. And poor Shannon Moore got tossed across the room by Angle.

Jacob Williams: It feels like cheating to pick the entire Halloween party. At the same time, it’s hard to narrow it down because a lot it was very fluid. If I had to pick one bit, it would be Tajiri’s romantic encounter with Mae and Moolah. His facials were classic.

Calum McDougall: “OOHHH YEAAAH!!” – there was only one winner in this one for me and it was Matt Hardy at the Halloween Party. From him coming in with his own music playing on a boom box to calling Mae and Moolah “Version B.C.” and everything in between, it was brilliant stuff.

Dave Hall: Kurt Angle and Chris Benoit brawl at the Halloween Party. The seeds of this segment lay in the earlier segment where Benoit was looking for Kurt, who was hiding under the Scream outfit. Following Angle’s match with Eddie, Kurt comes back to the party looking for Benoit. Kurt’s approach to the “Scream Character” believing it to be Benoit was a good call back to the earlier segment, and I loved seeing the cameo by Brother Love. The brawl between the two men following this was awesome, using the tables, wall and other party elements.

Best Match

Uhhhh stay out of Riverdale!

Aaron George: It’s the brown water match and it’s not even close. Sure every other match on the card was technically better, but Dawn Marie and Torrie Wilson gave us a “stiff” (as per Tazzzzzzzzz) match that will always be etched into the annals of time as simply the best to take place in a pool of liquid shit. They can tell us it’s chocolate, but honestly what kind of chocolate has that consistency? It’s liquid human shit which is clearly their metaphor for the poopstorm that is coming in the form of this feud. Was the ref rolling around silly? Sure. Were Torrie’s chops DIRECTLY to Dawn’s breasts the best since Flair/Steamboat in 89? Absolutely. The best part was after the loss Dawn gave Torrie a look that clearly said, “Yeah? Well I’m going to fuck your dad.” A threat I have often used but have very rarely carried out.  I can only imagine Vince McMahon Sr. looking down from Heaven, beaming with pride as his son carried on the family business. ******

Brian Bayless: Edge vs. Chris Benoit was an excellent TV match. The work was crisp and the finish made sense as it continued the friction between Angle and Benoit, who were the Smackdown Tag Team Champions.

Jacob Williams: On a show with some quality wrestling, the opener between Benoit and Edge felt like the most complete match. I love that they could come out and just have a great, straight-up match to start the show.

Calum McDougall: As good as Edge vs Benoit and Angle vs Eddie were, my favorite match was actually Brock Lesnar vs. Rey Mysterio. This match had three distinct parts to it – the early section with Rey out maneuvering the big man, followed by the middle part where Brock throws Rey around like a rag-doll and finally the end where Big Show comes out and manhandles both of them, looking like a complete beast in the process. Great stuff for the short time it was on, and call me crazy, but I wouldn’t mind seeing another Brock-Rey match in 2018.

Dave Hall: Kurt Angle vs Eddie Guerrero. On a show with so many options for the title of Match of the Night, Kurt and Eddie absolutely stole the show. Kurt was a wrestling machine, and looked amazing in the ring, while Eddie was crisp and quick. The two men countered each other finishers, and put on a clinic. The match built really well to some great action in the last few minutes, and a decent ending for a TV match. Benoit’s interference was appropriate to the storyline, and I loved how he took out Eddie and Chavo as well, demonstrating he was not working with them.

Most Cringeworthy Moment

Trojan Vince! Don’t let it in the city!

Aaron George: I’m not going to say that Stephanie McMahon isn’t an attractive woman, but on a show with the aforementioned Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie, does EVERY person who comes into Steph’s radius have to fawn on her as though she were Helen of fucking Troy. Are those the tits that launched a thousand ships?

Brian Bayless: Eric Bischoff making out with Stephanie McMahon after he was in her office wearing a Vince McMahon mask was something I never need to see again in my life. It was creepy in the worst way possible.

Jacob Williams: Sorry Michael Cole, but awkwardly perving out during the women’s pool-of-chocolate-sauce match can’t compete with Bischoff forcing himself on a woman 20 years his junior in a weird incest roleplay.

Calum McDougall: The piped-in cheers every time Stephanie McMahon was on the screen. Now I know that all of the cheers on SmackDown at this time were piped in, but there was no reason for Stephanie’s to be top-tier babyface loud other than pure ego. Only Brock and maybe Edge got louder “cheers”. I don’t know whether them going to these lengths to show Stephanie as being popular is cringy or outright infuriating, but it certainly rubbed me the wrong way.

Dave Hall: Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson.This segment showed us just how far women’s wrestling has come in 16 years. This match was horrible to watch, with the two women degrading themselves in little clothing and in a pool of chocolate milk. I hated every moment of this match, including the customary referee gets rolled over spot. I am so glad the women’s evolution means we don’t have to see this crap any more.

Funniest Line/Moment

Hashtag Tajiritoo

Aaron George: I’m still laughing at the image of Al Wilson dressed up like a greaser. Still.

Brian Bayless: Tajiri’s facial expressions while Mae Young forced him to be her boyfriend. He is one of the more underrated comedic performers in wrestling.

Jacob Williams: Again, I can’t say enough about Tajiri’s face after the Mae Young smooch. I love Tajiri.

Calum McDougall: “He’s saying Do La Ray, you know what that means Cole? It means “I’m beating up Kurt”” – Tazz doing his best to boost the sales of his Spanish to Red Hook dictionary.

Dave Hall: With so much good “in-ring” action, there were not a lot of amazingly funny lines. However during the Eddie vs Angle match, Tazz made the comment “I like Guerrero… I like Kurt… I like everyone on the Smackdown roster except you Michael Cole”. Also John Cena’s “Vanilla Ice Costume” was a great reminder of how he broke out in the WWE. But when he told Stephanie that Vince was looking for her, and she called him out, and he then did the “damn, I look stupid moment”, I laughed out loud. Was a great reminder that John Cena has more in his character than the hustle/loyalty/respect stuff we have seen since about 2005/06, he can do good comedy and was willing to poke fun at himself.

Highlights

Remember when we weren’t insufferable pricks??

Aaron George: The entire concept of doing a Halloween show was a TON of fun, and made the show instantly memorable. They should do more theme shows today. I know that they are actively going for homogenous, but a curve ball like this would be more than welcome. The costumes were almost universally silly. Faarooq playing Charles Wright was bang on, and while you’d think that Chuck Palumbo dressed as a Native American would go down as 2018’s most offensive, you’d be horrible mistaken as the honor easily went to the fan dressed as the Rock in full blackface. Almost all the matches were top-tier television matches. “YEAH MY DURANGO, NUMBER 95,” is possibly the most Rob Zombie lyric ever. There is something beautiful about Chris Benoit simply avoiding Edge’s top rope dropkick rather than finding a way to kick him six times on the way down. Benoit also sells a turnbuckle drop in what can only be described as “like when you’re about to uppercut Von Kaiser in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out.” Teenage Brock Lesnar is always a blast to have around. Kurt Angle staring angrily into the audience as they chant “You Suck” is waaaay better that the smiling Kurt we get today. He STILL doesn’t get why they are booing him. He also has the best near falls in the business. I could also watch Brock throw Rey Mysterio around all day. Even then he was one of the better sellers in the business. Speaking of best in the business: Tajiri’s kicks. Oh and the Brother Love reveal was great.

Brian Bayless: The party segments backstage were amusing enough and some of the costumes were funny (Chuck Palumbo as a Native American and Disco Tajiri) while some were just lame (Phantom of the Opera Billy Kidman). And while not as good as Edge vs. Benoit, Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero was a solid match ending with Benoit whacking Angle with the belt setting up Eddie to hit a frog splash for the win. Matt Hardy with his Version 1.0 character was amusing and I liked his entrance into the party. The Pudding match between Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie was surprisingly intense and I can only imagine how hard Vince was laughing backstage after Torrie tossed ring announcer Tony Chimel into the pudding. And of course, Al Wilson dressed as a greaser was a sight to behold.

Jacob Williams: The Halloween stuff was a fun throwback to mid-80s TNT campiness that gave everyone a chance to show their personalities. I love any situation that shows that the wrestlers all hang out backstage and are basically coworkers. Smackdown had a nice roster who were either fun characters, amazing wrestlers, or a combination of both. Tazz and Cole are a fun commentary team that really fit the show.

Calum McDougall: The way the Big Show was presented was really good. It’s hard to imagine in 2018 that there was a time where people actually believed that Brock Lesnar couldn’t beat the Big Show. At least I believed that anyway… Tazz trying to call the Torrie/Dawn “match” as an actual athletic contest was excellent stuff. I watched this show on the Friday before WWE Evolution, and this really does show how far women’s wrestling has come in the last 16 years.

Dave Hall: Pretty well the entire show was a highlight. The in-ring product was amazing, and as much as I wanted to hate Chris Benoit, I loved his match with Edge and his brawl with Angle. Matt Hardy Version 1 was great, and a good reminder that Hardy always the better “character” to his brother Jeff. Brock Lesnar was awesome in the ring, although I felt he sold a little too much at the end of his match with Rey. Big Show was booked as the monster heel he excelled at. This show was a reminder of how good all these guys were in 2002, and also how much WWE missed the mark with so many of them over the years.

Lowlights

Aaron George: Big Show wrestling in his street clothes is awful. Is that business casual for him? He just looks like a god damn slob.  His line delivery is worse. Is he bored? Stoned? Or did he simply study at the Stephanie McMahon “Petulant Child” school of acting? Seriously go back and watch how she says REY MYSTERIO in the opening segment when she gives him a match with Brock. Who on Earth talks that way? What on Earth was the point of the Bischoff/Stephanie kiss of weirdness? I know that she’s a sex symbol for the ages, but poor Eric simply doesn’t know what to do with himself after kissing the slutty witch of the east. Fuck Big Show for clearly ruining what could have been an awesome dream match.  While I’m at it like me correct something I said earlier: there is no way Vince Sr. is in Heaven. Especially when you have a best friend named “Toots.”

Brian Bayless: One of the main goals was to build up Big Show as Brock Lesnar’s title opponent for Survivor Series and man did he fail tonight. His street clothes looked was terrible, his conditioning worse (he was gassed after beating Rikishi in a match that lasted under three minutes long), and the cut a terribly long promo that no one seemed to care about. Stephanie McMahon’s segments were all awkward tonight too.

Jacob Williams: The feud between Lesnar and Big Show was lackluster. Show looked so bloated and out of place in his biker dad jeans against a young stud like Brock. Show gasping through his promo and Brock’s stilted delivery of an S-Bomb in his response didn’t help matters. The women having to wrestle in a kiddy pool filled with Ovaltine was not a high point either.

Calum McDougall: The Big Show promo was unnecessarily long, he made the point, then made it another 2 or 3 times before Brock finally appeared. Also, Eddie Guerrero’s very noticeable bacne is a sad lowlight in retrospect.

Dave Hall: The only real lowlights for me were the segments involving Stephanie. The first segment seemed just an excuse to show off Stephanie’s breasts, while the kissing segment with Eric Bischoff, while humorous, was not necessary. With the amazing in-ring action, it made Stephanie’s part in the show seem really self-indulgent.

Wild Card BABY!!!

Wrestling!

I Can’t Believe This Got Over: It’s not rap. It’s bad slam poetry. It became worse slam poetry. – AG

Al Wilson Tidbit #1: Paul Heyman created the Al Wilson storyline and according to Torrie Wilson, Heyman gave her the option to use an actor in the role or her actual father and Torrie went with her dad because she rarely saw him and thought it would be fun as he used to act when he was younger. – BB

The Award for Most Misplaced Optimism: “Exciting times ahead in WWE after the signing of Scott Steiner.” I don’t think this one needs much explanation, let’s just let it sink in. – CM

Best Babyface in Peril: Person in the bear costume. – JW

Number of Sexual Assaults: 3! Mae Young accosts Tajiri. Eric Bischoff forces himself on Stephanie. (who is into it???) The letch in the Kane mask filming Dawn Marie. Someone should show Randy Savage footage of this guy to clearly demonstrate lust in the eyes. There is no way his hard on didn’t pierce someone’s back in front of him.

Al Wilson Tidbit #2: According to Dawn Marie, the toughest thing for her to do was kiss Al Wilson. However, Vince McMahon loved watching them kiss and even said he wanted to see “tongue.” – BB

Memories Are Forever: Looking at Brock and Kurt in amazing ring shape, and much smaller than recent years, Matt Hardy’s early character development, John Cena’s freestyle rapping and Edge using more counter wrestling really brought back some amazing memories of what these guys could do at the time. Watching this show made me think of the little things that seem to be missing today. – DH

Best Tidbit: According to Wade Keller of “Pro Wrestling Torch,” Brock Lesnar was originally going to defend the title against Hulk Hogan at Survivor Series 2002 but Hogan backed out, reportedly due to refusing to put Lesnar over. After contemplating between Chris Benoit and Big Show as replacements, Vince McMahon ultimately decided to go with Show despite Heyman pushing for a Benoit/Lesnar program. – BB

Best at Fooling Security Staff: The master of disguise Eric Bischoff strikes again. Twice now in 2002 Easy E has managed to get past SmackDown security just by wearing a mask. Extra points awarded for a good Vince impression, but points deducted for this not being as good as Billy and Chuck’s wedding. – CM

Al Wilson Tidbit #3: Dawn Marie also said that the Al Wilson angle was supposed to go on even longer with lawyers and Torrie’s brother added to the storyline but that all got nixed. – BB

Least Likely to Still be Full Time in 2018: Out of everyone on this show, who would have thought that it would be Rey Mysterio, the man of 619 knee operations, who would be the only one still wrestling full-time for WWE in 2018? – CM

I Really Tried…: I found it so hard watching Chris Benoit on this show. I really wanted to just overlook and hate him, but his match against Edge was amazing, and his brawl with Kurt was also great. As much as I wanted to, I just could not hate Benoit in this show, and I find myself really conflicted because of this. – DH

Final Thoughts

Come on! We needed one shot of this smoke show.

Aaron George: This was a fun, easy watch littered with great television matches and memorable moments. It’s easy to think of Smackdown as the “B” show, but it was clearly running on all cylinders here. Now someone please give me 75 minutes of Brock Lesnar manhandling Rey Mysterio! RATING: 7/10

Brian Bayless: The Halloween party theme worked really well and usually the WWE Holiday themed shows tend to be weak. It is also memorable for the creation of Cena’s rap character. We had a really good match and an intense brawl between Angle and Benoit. The Big Show segments were terrible but overall a fun show that breezed along. RATING: 7/10

Jacob Williams: This was a finely constructed piece of wrestling television. The Halloween stuff was enough to give the show a unique feel without smothering it. Just about everyone on the show looked to be pretty over and had something at least semi-meaningful to do. Plus, there were good matches to round everything out. Aside from the questionable Big Show spot, Smackdown looked to be in a pretty great groove at this point, so this show was a breezy watch. RATING: 7/10

Calum McDougall: It’s easy to see why SmackDown in ’02 was highly thought of at the time and is fondly remembered to this day, this stuff holds up so well. I had a smile on my face from start to finish, as this took me right back to when I would watch this on a Saturday morning. It was a fantastic trip down memory lane. It would be difficult to put on a bad show with this roster, and the quality of matches that they can and did put on was outrageous. I loved this, excellent stuff.  RATING: 9/10

Dave Hall: This episode of Smackdown was awesome. 4 great matches, some good brawling out of the ring, John Cena giving us some freestyle and some good booking made this card one I would watch again. The only thing stopping it from being a 10 out of 10 was the Dawn Marie vs Torrie Wilson fiasco, and Stephanie’s self-indulgence. I may just need to watch some more Smackdown from this era… RATING: 9/10

And we are out! Where will the Network Adventure travel to? Which Coliseum will be conquered next? Which of these assholes will quit the project in an indignant rage??? Find out in TWO WEEKS!