#i mean silly me keep reminiscing him just to distract myself from everything that's going inside my mind this week | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mobagehelllocal · 4 years

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“you are the best thing, that’s ever been mine”

Hi! If you could can you write the dorm leaders squishing/reacting to their s/o’s soft and adorable cheeks, or just them cupping their cheeks in their hands (like those vids with the dogs fitting themselves in their owner’s hands)

- from Anonymous

A/N: Hi Anon~! Thank you so much for this! I listened to Taylor Swift’s whole Speak Now album to get into the vibe... and “Mine” seemed to suit it... so that’s where the title is from! ... This almost got called Chubby Bunny but... I never liked that game xD

"Uwawa~ Riddle this is delicious!” You had hummed, a fork pressed against your lips, and a hand on your cheek as you chewed happily. Riddle was torn between being incredibly pleased or embarrassed at the amount of praise that you were casually throwing at him.

“Of course!” Riddle decided, as he puffed his chest out and straightened his back.

“You definitely learnt from last time.” you giggled, as you remembered how he had actually taken Trey’s statement seriously about the oyster sauce...

“That was Trey’s fault.” Riddle defended himself and you giggled again.

“Either way, this is delicious~” you pop another slice of it into your mouth. “Ish really good~”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.” He scolded lightly, as he brushed a gloved hand at the corner of your mouth to remove pie crumbs. At the action, you beamed at him brilliantly, and his heart melted at how adorable you looked.

Unconsciously he found himself cupping your cheek as you chewed your pie. You blinked at hm in surprise, and as you swallowed, you closed your eyes and leant your face into his palm. He felt his face flare up in response.

Under the light of the hot afternoon sun, surrounded by the red roses of Heartslabyul and the colorful tea set prepared for the Tea Party...

You--serene, eyes shut, and the way you leant into his touch so naturally--his pulse leapt in response.

Resplendent.

“You...”

When Riddle began to speak your eyes opened to peer at him curiously.

“...”

“Riddle?”

“I’m glad I met you.” Riddle said, his heart pounded in his ears.

“Hrm?”

“If it weren’t for you... I don’t think I could be myself.”

“You give me too much credit... Ace, Trey, everyone... they were there too.” you laughed lightly, but he shook his head.

“Yes but... you’re here right now.” he said very quietly, as he reached his other hand to lace with your own. “You’re by my side. You’re my friend, and also my...” here he paused as his blush brightened, and you couldn’t help the grin that spread across your face in response. “My lover...” he whispered.

“Thank you.” he smiled gently, “for helping me find who I want to be... and for accepting me as myself.”

“Silly Riddle.” you giggled as you leant forward to press your forehead against his. “That’s not something you need to thank me about!”

“So you say but...”

His eyes fluttered shut, and his heart might be beating fast--but he was at peace with you by his side.

‘Thank you, [Name]... for being mine.’

Leona felt something tickle his nose, which made his whole face twitch. As he jerked his head away from the ticklish sensation, the light of the morning sun hit his eyes, and he blinked rapidly.

‘Morning.’ he sighed, already exhausted just at the thought of it. When he looked away from the wide windows of his dorm room, he glanced down to see your head lying on his right arm. ‘No wonder I couldn’t move it.’

Since he couldn’t move (not that Leona wanted to move), he decided to watch you until he fell asleep again. He raised a hand and began to brush it through your hair--aimlessly choosing to untangle your hair. He snorted softly to himself as you let out a particularly loud snore against his arm.

He resolved to tease you about it later... but for now.

He spent the morning admiring the way you looked in his arms, in his bed--in his room, greeting the dawn of a new day by his side.

To be honest...

‘It’s not a bad look on you.’ he decided, ‘it’s something I can get used to.’

His tanned hand trailed down, from your hair, and cupped your cheek gently--brushing the pad of his thumb against your cheek.

Your cheek was soft against his touch, and from this close he could see the way freckles dotted your skin. He loved to nap in patches of sunlight, and since you constantly spent time with him--he had, on more than one occasion--dragged you to lie with him under the sun. When his thumb brushed underneath your eye, your lashes twitched.

“Mhm... Leona...” you muttered, and his ear twitched in response to that.

“Are you dreaming about me, herbivore?” he asked lowly, at which you didn’t respond. You did however turn your head. Originally you had tucked your head underneath his chin, and had tangled your legs with his at some point in the night. You turned your whole body so that all your back was pressed against the bed--your head still on his arm.

As the light of the sun illuminated your whole form, he could see the way your eye lashes twitched, but determinedly stayed shut. He chuckled at that. He slowly slid his arm out from underneath your head and moved to straddle you.

His other hand still cupped your cheek, and he leant down to brush his nose against yours.

He cherished this quiet moment.

He knew he wasn’t the best person at expressing his happiness with you being by his side. It was just... difficult for him.

You--ever so kind, and understanding--you knew these things without prompting. You had never demanded more of him than he was comfortable giving--even if (and this is something he would never tell anyone--) he would push himself--if it was something you truly wanted.

“When did I become so smitten with you?” he asked, underneath his breath as he stared at you--as if your sleeping face held all the answers to his problems.

And wasn’t there a sense of truth in that?

When he had asked the universe for a mate who would see him--

The universe had delivered you to him.

Under the morning light of the sun, as he pressed a brief kiss against your forehead, he renewed his promise.

‘You will never be left wanting,’ he thought, ‘you are mine.’

You had been standing with Azul next to the huge window of Octavinelle’s Mostro Lounge that peered into the depths of the sea when you feel something enter your eye.

“Ack--!” Azul’s head whipped in your direction when you start making uncomfortable noises.

“[Name], are you alright?”

“Hngh... Yeah--just--something got in my eye.” You rapidly begin blinking, but the irritation causes you to start crying. Azul twitched at that--he hated seeing your tears. So he reached forward and gently cupped your face in his hand before he leaned in.

“Which eye?”

“This one.” you point at your left eye as you rapidly blink. “Blow please?”

“Of course.” Azul gently brushed the tears away, as he raised his lips to gently blow at your eye. “How’s that, my love?”

“Still there.” you said as you blinked again. Azul repeated the process until you finally confirmed that it was gone.

Azul had chosen not to let you go though, and as you blinked your tears away, he would gently swipe them at them with the pads of his fingers. In the process of that, Azul began to grow lost in thought.

Azul hated your tears as much as he hated his own.

He had always hated that he was quick to cry about almost everything--especially about anything that made him feel upset.

He hated your tears because it meant that you had been hurt. He (and the twins really) always fell into an overprotective state whenever your eyes would turn glassy.

You--who had chosen him despite all his flaws...

Despite all of his mistakes, his faults, his imperfections...

He had long accepted that he wasn’t worthy of your love, to have your presence at his side.

But for some reason you chose him--you had still chosen him.

It’s because of that, that he was so grateful you were willing to stay by his side.

The least he could do is make sure you will never cry.

The least he could do is be the best person he can be, so you would be proud to call him your lover.

And if in your future you would cry--then Azul will do everything in his power to at least make them tears of joy.

You stared into Azul’s eyes. You could tell he was a million miles away, deeply reminiscing...

“See something you like?” He flinched at you suddenly speaking, and realized he’d been holding your face for a socially inappropriate length of time.

“Sorry I’ll--”

“You mean you don’t like what you see?”

“That’s-- of course not!” His face brightened, going from the lightest shade of pink to a brilliant shade of red. You giggled in response.

“You--why must you keep teasing me like this?” he sighed, as he rubbed his fingers against your cheeks. “You didn’t use to do this.”

“I got it from Jade and Floyd.” you chirped back, and you giggled at his angry mutterings of ‘corruptions’ and ‘why I oughta--’

He’s distracted from his ramblings when he felt you lace your fingers with his hands.

“Such gentle, caring hands.” you hummed. “the hands of the one who makes me happy.”

You thought it was impossible for his blush to intensify--but it did.

The way your eyes fluttered close in bliss, the happy smile on your lips and the way that the ocean’s waves illuminated your skin made him think--

‘You belong here, right by my side.’

“I’ll,” he paused as he cleared his throat, He blinked rapidly, and hoped that he wouldn’t start crying. “I will do my best to be someone who can make you even happier.”

“I’m already happiest by your side Azul.” you beamed up at him, your eyes contained the endless depth of your love, and he felt like he could drown in them. “Just never let go.”

“I have no plans too.” He said, serious, at which you giggled.

“I think this is the part you kiss me.” you said, all cheeky, and though the red on his cheeks flare up again, he leant down to kiss you.

If Azul used contracts to make a deal with other people--what you had were his kisses.

Azul’s tender kisses were his promises to you--of never letting go, and of happiness in your relationship.

"Do you like the food [Name]?” Kalim beamed at you, and you couldn’t help but beam back--your cheeks filled with tasty treats from the Land of Hot Sands.

“Mhm! Kalim ish good!” Kalim only laughed at how adorable you were when you spoke with a mouth full.

“I’m glad you like it!” Kalim nodded happily as he too began to eat, “Jamil cooks very well after all.” Jamil twitched as he was mentioned, and when he looked up from his meal, he’s instantly blinded by both of your brilliant smiles.

“Jamil! Thanks!” Jamil felt his brow twitched as the both of your spoke with your cheeks filled with food.

“Stop talking with your mouths full.” he reminded, while he thought ‘these two were made for each other.’ You both simultaneously swallowed your food, cleared your throats and spoke in unison again--

“Jamil!~ Thanks for the food~!” you both beamed.

‘Ugh, bright.’ he thought, as he sighed and looked away, his hand tugging at his hoodie. “Yeah yeah, just eat already.”

In response the two of you promptly dug in and kept eating.

“Mhm~ I really love the spices used.” you hummed.

Kalim couldn’t help but just smile at how much you enjoyed spending time in Scarabia and taking a part in his culture. He wanted to bring you home with him for sure during one of the breaks--he would love to share with you the culture of his home.

You were adorable already in your enthusiasm for his culture, he can’t wait to write a letter off to home to ensure that you would have clothes from his culture too. He was sure you would be thrilled with it.

You chewed happily, but when you looked up you noticed that Kalim was looking at you with a really goofy grin.

“Hrm? Is something up Kalim? Do I have something on my face?”

“No, you’re just really cute.” he said with a grin (a few seats away, Jamil thumped his head against a table and groaned in disgust).

You felt your cheeks flare up in response.

“Aw! You look even cuter with red cheeks!” Kalim declared as he reached forward to cup your face in his hands. You swallowed, nearly choking in the process as you felt your face become hotter.

“Ungh! Kalim! Don’t embarrass me!”

“But I can’t help it! I adore you!” he said, with a wide grin and your heart pounded in your ears because this boy was going to be the death of you.

“Kalim is cuter than me!” you protested, as you reached forward to press your hands against his cheeks.

“No, you are!” he mushed your cheeks together, and laughed as you struggled against his hands.

“No you are!” you pinched his cheeks in response, and when both of your gazes meet, you shared a giggle at how silly you two probably looked like.

“You two...” you both flinched as you see Jamil give you both a death stare. “Finish your food or so help me...”

“Sorry Jamil!” you both yelped as you dug in back into your meals--though that didn’t stop the two of you from sharing a glance, and giggling to yourselves.

"Hold still, my sweet potato.” Vil ordered with a roll of his eyes. “I need to put this eyeliner on you.”

“I just don’t like things close to my eyeballs.” you tried to defend yourself. “It scares me.”

“I’ve been doing make up for a long time, sweet potato.” Vil chided gently. “Do you not trust me?”

“Yes?” you would’ve shrugged if Vil would’ve let you but he didn’t. “No? Yes? It’s me? It just... makes me uncomfortable.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear you say you didn’t trust me.” Vil huffed, before he quite literally used his other hand to keep your face still by cupping your cheek. “Do not move, or we’ll have to start from the top.” he threatened, you let out a whiny sound.

“I mean it, sweet one.” Vil said, “I’ll have to reapply the moisturizer, the foundation--”

“Alright, alright.” your fist clenched as you tried to hold your position.

“Close your eyes.” you obeyed, and you caught the satisfied smile that spread on your lover’s pink lips, before you completely closed your eyes.

Vil leant in as he began to line your eyes with a deep violet color. He could see your eyelids quiver at his movements, and the way your lips twisted downward in discomfort. Despite that, you put up with him. It made his smile slip into a much gentler one. When he pulled away, he immediately warned you not to open your eyes yet so that the liner could dry. You mumbled out a protest, but kept your eyes shut.

Vil couldn’t help but chuckle underneath his breath.

You were truly--

peculiar.

His hold on your face slackened, and though you twitched in response to that, you didn’t open your eyes. He leant forward, and began to gently blow over your lids so they’d dry faster. He could see the minuscule twitch of your eyes, and nose at the sudden sensation. He pulled back a little to admire your face against his palm.

Don’t get him wrong--you were always going to be splendidly beautiful in his eyes--whether he was waking up in the morning to see you snoring away, or when you were busy stuffing yourself away with your favourite food but--

But because he was a social media celebrity, he knew that some people didn’t like you. There were people out there with ugly hearts who refused to acknowledge your relationship because of it.

You always told him you didn’t mind, that what mattered was that you both loved each other.

While that placated Vil, there was just one thing he wanted to do.

He wanted to show you off.

He was very happy to be taken, and proud that you were his partner.

He wanted people to realize how amazing you are.

He wanted them to realize that you were a steal--and that you belonged to Vil as much as he belonged to you.

So when he’s painting your eyelids lavender to match the tips of his hair, and your lips the matching pink shade on his own lips--he’s declaring that to the world--

‘This person is mine. Just as must as I am theirs. They are the best thing I have and no criticism you throw our way will get in the way of that.’

“Vil, are you done?” you asked.

“Let me just put the finishing touch.” he said, as he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, and leant in to press a soft kiss against your lips.

A soft one, just so he doesn’t have to redo anything.

When he pulled back, he’s delighted to see the red tint rise to your cheeks.

“Beautiful.” he smiled, “you can open your eyes now.”

Your eyes fluttered open, and his heart leapt--

you looked so good in his colors.

You eagerly stared up at the monitor, back at Idia, and repeated this several times before the Ignihyde dorm leader finally gave in.

“Alright.” he sighed very deeply as you cheered. “I’ll help you make your character.”

“I want them to look like me please!” you requested, and Idia nodded.

It was easy enough for him to maneuver the mouse around to make sure that the character model had your hair, and body type. Then he zoomed in on the face.

“Come closer.” he instructed with a tone of confidence that you normally didn’t hear from the Ignihyde dorm leader. You blinked in surprise, but shrugged. Once you had pulled your chair closer to him, Idia wasted no time and cupped your face with his hand. He brought his face close as he began to customize the character’s face to look like yours.

“[Name]’s forehead is small, but cute...”

“Their brows should be like this...”

“[Name]’s eyes are sparkly, I can get blinded by them...”

“Cute. Nose.”

“I love kissing their lips... The shape are like this...”

“The jawline--yes, soft and adorable...”

You could feel your face heat up as he muttered all this lovingly underneath his breath--as if that would make it so that you couldn’t hear it.

“Alright, I’m done.” Idia’s smile was wide and pleased as he turned back to you.

Your face was red.

“Are you okay, [Name]?” he tilted his head in concern.

“That is...” you muttered as you lowered your face to hide your expression.

That’s when it hits Idia that he’s holding your face in his hand.

“Eeek! Sorry!” he yelped as he pulled his hand away from yours.

“No--no it’s fine.” you squeaked in response as your hands flew to your face, as you hoped you can get the red flush on your cheeks to calm down.

“I’m sorry! I held your face without permission!”

“No--no it’s not that Idia!” you protested.

“Then--what, what was it?” he asked, his own hands covered his face. He felt his heart get hit by a bunch of arrows when you shyly look up at him through your lashes.

‘Cute! You were so cute! If he had just a bit more confidence, he’d tell you that everyday and kiss you!’

“I...Idia... did you...” you glanced away awkwardly at the monitor, and he followed your gaze to the 3d model of a character made to look like you. “Do you... often, mutter under your breath?”

“Uh well--Ortho tells me I do it a lot but I normally don’t realize I...” Idia froze in response.

“[Name]...?”

“Yeah?”

“You mean I... was I thinking out loud?”

“Um. Yeah.” you squealed lightly, and his whole body turned red.

“Oh no! Ortho! Your brother is on fire!”

Malleus stared expressionlessly up at the sky as he waited for you.

“Tsunotaro!” you had greeted when you had seen him earlier in the halls. “Are you going on a walk tonight?”

“I will.” He nodded, beside him Sebek bristled at the nickname.

“Cool~ Wait for me okay?” you beamed, before you skipped off. “See you Tsunotaro!”

“Lord Malleus,” Sebek hesitated. “If I may be allowed to ask...?”

“You’re already asking.” Malleus arched a brow as Sebek sputtered quickly.

“My apologies.” he said, as he quickly jerked down to bow, “but I must ask--why do you let that person call you nicknames?”

Malleus stared down at Sebek who began to sweat at the intensity of the young Lord’s stare. Malleus sighed, and he looked up in the direction you had left.

Truthfully it was because...

(”Who are you?” an innocent question, and the curious face of a person who didn’t know him.

I didn’t want this person to realize who I was because--)

“Who knows?” Malleus hummed, before he turned away.

A faint sound disrupted his thoughts.

Malleus blinked, and turned his head to see you creep up on him. You were hidden behind a tree, the shadows overwhelmed your form. (He frowned--you did not belong in the shadows.)

“Ah, you heard that?” Once you made eye contact, you stepped away from the shadows, and walked right into the moonlight. Malleus could feel his face smoothen at the way the iridescent, soft glow of the moon kissed your features. (’Better,’ he thought to himself.)

“Were you attempting to sneak up on me?” Malleus asked, a smirk grew on his lips. Ah, weren’t you just so adorable and amusing?

“I tried.” you shrugged, before you finally paused to stand before him. “Hey, why is it that even when sitting down, you’re still taller than me?”

“Perhaps you should sleep early.”

“Eh? Then won’t that mean I can’t accompany you on your walks?” Malleus stood slowly, and carried with him such elegance that makes your breath catch in your throat. Malleus was just too pretty.

Your thoughts halt when Malleus reached forward to cup your face with a hand. Instinctively you lean in, and pressed your cheek against his large hand.

“You are not afraid at all.” No matter how much Malleus knew this, it never ceases to amaze him.

He--is a dragon fae.

He--is the fifth strongest magician in this world.

He--is the heir to the throne of the Valley of Thorns.

He is a terrifyingly powerful immortal--and you were a soft, delicate mortal with a body that could break and a spirit that could be lost if he is not mindful of himself.

Yet you let him touch you like this.

He stared into your eyes, tiny windows to the galaxy of your soul. He wished he could read your mind, spend time exploring all of which that made up every facet of you.

You were so dazzling.

Your fingers laced with his, as you pressed his cool hand against your warm cheek.

“How could I be afraid?” your eyes flickered upward shyly as you look into Malleus’ bright ones.

“This hand could kill you.”

He said, as nonchalantly as he would speak about the weather.

“No,” you disagreed. “this is the hand of a kind person.”

His eyes widened, and he felt his heart skipped a beat at that.

“This is the hand of a person who helped me despite not knowing me,” you continued. “this is the hand of a lonely man, who has a pretty smile when I make him laugh.”

He could feel his face heat up at that.

Malleus Draconia--blushed.

“I’ve never been called kind before.” he commented idly.

“Well, people should see that you’re a kind person, Tsunotaro!” you exclaimed, as you puffed your cheeks in frustration.

He only laughed in response, as he gently squeezed your cheeks.

“I don’t think I need anyone else to know that.”

“Huh? but why?”

He hummed and chose not to answer you. Instead he leant down to pull you in a warm embrace, his hold on you tightened as you tentatively wrapped your arms around his body.

‘That’s because... I need only hear it from you, my bright light.’

#aiwrites #aiscenarios #twisted wonderland #twst #twst scenarios #twst riddle #twst leona #twst azul #twst kalim #twst vil #twst idia #twst malleus

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angellissy · 4 years

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a constant worry

Based on these requests: Hi could I have a jjxreader imagine where she is having a sleepover with kie and sarah and something happens where they have to go and get jj? Thank you your writing is amazing!!! and this one angst 13 with jj?🥺

13.“If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.” JJ Maybank x reader Warnings: anxiety, stress but also cute JJ :) lmk if I missed any

A/N: I would like to say that this is the imagine that I am most proud of. I poured my soul into this one and really gave it all I had. I have struggled with generalised anxiety disorder for most of my life but got diagnosed last year. It’s hard and looks different for everyone, so this imagine is based on thoughts and worries I have. I don’t want to romanticize anxiety and I really hope I didn’t, but remember it looks different for everyone. I also want to point out that getting the help I needed was the best thing I ever did for myself, so it’s worth a thought if you are struggling. If you struggle with anxiety (or anything else) and need someone to talk to, I am always here!!!! Also hope it was okay that I combined these requests :) thanks to @outabanks for motivating me to post this <3

Your fingers were trembling slightly, making it visibly hard to keep a steady grip on the fork in your hand. It was shaking back and forth, the pasta that you had just dug your fork into was falling off. You watched how it slipped off, how it dropped on to the plate disappearing in the midst of all the other food. “You okay?” You looked up to meet the eyes of your best friend, hers shone with concern. You nodded, trying to shake away the feeling that had been plaguing you for the last couple of hours. “Yeah yeah, I’m fine.” “Is the food okay? We can get something else if you want?” A small smile tugged at your lips while you shook your head at her. “Kie it’s fine, really. I just got lost in my thoughts.” That was one way to put it, getting lost in your thoughts seemed to be the only thing you had been doing lately. You didn’t mean to really, it just kind of happened. It would start with something small, near insignificant, it wouldn’t mean anything to anyone else. But to you, it could be the start of the ongoing circle where you got trapped in your mind. Unable to find solace or escape. As a child you would worry about getting trapped in quicksand, shivers would run through your body at the sole thought of not being able to get out. Your mind would be stuck on thinking about what would happen if you ever did get stuck in quicksand, even if the possibilities were narrow. It was only when you got older that you realized that you should have been worrying about your mind and it’s constant attempts to draw you in and keep you there. It worked a lot like quicksand in that sense, the panic that rose felt much like the one that would arise if you ever found yourself trapped knee-deep in the sand that constantly dragged you down.

“So you’re ready for this sleepover then?” Kie asked, giving you her brightest smile, the one that tried to tell you that everything was okay. So you nodded and forced a smile, faking it was better than nothing right? You hoped that the more times you would do it, the smile would stick and never disappear. But the second Kie looked away, it faltered. You were now on said sleepover, lying on a mattress in Sarah’s room with a blanket wrapped around your body as you listened to your friends talk. “I actually think we all should get matching dolphin tattoos, it would be like a memory for whenever we go to college.” Kie excitedly nodded at Sarah’s proposal and they both turned to look at you, faces filled with anticipation and hope. You cleared your throat and gave them a small nod. “Sounds like a great idea, we’ll definitely do that.” Just like with your fingers, your voice couldn’t help but shake. Your eyes quickly found something else to look at other than your friends, they stuck on the picture standing on Sarah’s bedside table. It was a photograph of all of you, your friends, your family. You were all were standing on the beach, your feet were covered in sand, and droplets of water were running down everyone’s body, a consequence of spending the whole day out in the water. You didn’t exactly remember who had taken the picture, but it was most likely a tourist passing through town. The tourist had passed by at the exact right time, managing to snap the loveliest picture of you all. Sarah was standing in the middle, one hand keeping her sunglasses in place while the other was intertwined with John B’s. Next to her was Pope, a large grin played on his lips as he tried to keep his balance, on his back sat Kiara. Her curly brown hair was getting in John B’s face, hiding his eyes. You could almost hear her laughter through the picture. “Guys, guys I am ruining this picture,” Kiara yelled which made Pope stumble ever so slightly, her loud voice had cut through his ears. “Jesus Pope, keep your balance.” She was laughing now, not caring about her hair anymore as she wrapped her arms around him, trying to hinder them from falling down in the sand. They had managed to keep their balance for the following ten seconds. Giving the tourist just enough time to snap the picture. Your eyes moved to the edge of the picture, where you were standing. One of JJ’s arms was wrapped around you, the other one was draped around the surfboard he had been standing on that day. You were wearing his red cap, he had forced it on you when he noticed how tired you had become from the sun. “I don’t need it, baby, it’s fine.” He scoffed at your words, situating it on your head once again. “Be still pretty girl, otherwise we’ll be the blurry couple in the picture.” You had laughed at that, and you would forever have that laugh captured.

He was looking down at you, a smile on his lips as he had heard the way your laugh echoed over the beach. “Reminiscing, huh?” Sarah’s hand was on your arm, bringing you back to reality. “Yeah, I suppose.” You shook your head, trying to come back to what was happening right now, but a part of you lingered in those memories. Sarah and Kie propped down beside you, squeezing themselves in under the blanket. A part of you enjoyed their closeness, while another part of you was starting to wish for the comfort of your own home. You fiddled with the hair tie on your wrist, trying to distract yourself from the discomfort that was growing in your body. What would you do if something happened at Sarah’s? You didn’t know her house like you know your own. If there was a fire you wouldn’t know where all the potential escape routes were. You looked at the clock that ticked on the wall, it was almost midnight. You all were probably going to bed soon, getting tired of gossiping and dreaming about dolphin tattoos. You swallowed hard as you thought about waking up in the middle of the night, you always woke up in the middle of the night. At least for a couple of months you would wake up, feeling the need to go to the bathroom. You wouldn’t wanna disturb all the others, could you even flush without waking up the whole house? “What are you thinking about?” Sarah said, nudging your shoulder. “Um, can I flush the toilet in the middle of the night if I wake up?” Sarah and Kie let out a small giggle at your question. “Of course you can, silly!” You nodded, letting a breath you didn’t even know you had been holding. The girls sitting beside you, got up after a while, changing into pajamas and brushing their teeth. You did too, but not before sending a text to your boyfriend, telling him goodnight, and asking if he was okay. The latter was something you did every night, a habit you couldn’t break even if you wanted too. The lights had been out for thirty minutes now, the lack of light had lulled your friends to sleep. Leaving you alone in the eerie quiet that filled the room. You couldn’t fall asleep, not yet, not before you heard the comforting sound of your phone receiving a message. He still had not answered, not it had almost been forty minutes since you sent it. JJ usually answered right away, unless he was surfing, which he wasn’t since the remnants of the last storm still lingered. You twisted and turned on the mattress, chasing that position that would grant you with the feeling of heavy eyes and calmed breathing. You didn’t find it, rather the opposite. Your eyes were wide open and your breath was far from calm, every time you breathed it felt like you got less and less air in your lungs. You couldn’t wrap your head around why he wasn’t answering. Had he gotten in a fight? No, he probably just to forget to charge his phone again, he did that a lot. But what if his dad had done something to him? You threw the covers off of you, pulled on your pants, and then you were out the door. It was pouring down, the hair on your arms arose, protesting against the cold water and the lack of a jacket. You hadn’t even thought about that, your mind was solely focused on JJ. You wrapped your arms around your body, a way of keeping you warm and trying to slow down the quickened beats of your heart. Where could he be though? He was either at his dad’s or at the chateau. You bit your lip in concentration, debating your options. As much as you hated yourself for it, you didn’t dare go to his house. So you trudged towards the chateau, hoping to find him there.

It was a long walk, it felt even longer when you were shivering with every step that you took. When you finally reached the small house it felt as if the rainwater had become a part of you, if you traced your finger against your arm, all you would feel was water.

The sounds of laughter made you stop in your tracks, but you almost started running when you heard JJ’s voice answer to something John B had said. They were sitting on the backside of the house, almost fully shielded by a sheet that they had hung up in the trees. They were sitting in front of each other on a pair of mediocre camping chairs that looked like they would break any second. You stood still, feet burying themselves in the wet grass. A feeling of shame had washed over you, it had been silly of you to trudge all the way here just because your boyfriend didn’t answer your text. Maybe you could just a turn around and go back? Surely Kiara and Sarah hadn’t noticed, they slept like two old men. “y/n? What are you doing here?” John B’s voice boomed through the stillness surrounding you. “Uh I was just gonna go, I’ll see you guys.” You answered the shame in your veins made it almost impossible to move, it felt like your limbs were being controlled by someone else. You were a puppet, the strings were in the hands of your mind. “Hey hey! You good baby?” JJ was in front of you, hands on your face while he gave you a once over. Searching for something that would indicate if something had happened, he wouldn’t find anything on your body. It was all in your eyes really, the pain and confusion were clear as day in them. You silently wished that all your thoughts and emotions would intertwine with your tears and disappear as they flowed, they didn’t. JJ’s eyes found yours and his thumbs were quick to wipe away the water that streamed down your face. “Oh, my pretty girl.” He whispered the soft tone in his voice made you choke on a sob. “I don’t know why I am like this.” You cried, the frustration made you turn away from him and you hit your palms against your face. Why were you like this? Why couldn’t you just enjoy a night with your friends without worrying about the most absurd things? “If you don’t hug me right now I think I might fall apart.” His hands were suddenly wrapped around your shivering body, trying to keep you grounded, it was as he knew that your thoughts had been mere seconds from flying away with you. “Hey, you’re okay, I’ve got you.” and he really did. His body was pressed against yours for the next couple of minutes. Forcing you to be reminded by his presence and that he really was there, he was okay and so were you as long as you let yourself remember that. Forty minutes later you were laying in his bed, the lights had gone out in the chateau, leaving you both in the darkness. His arms were still around your body, they had only let go when he forced you to change clothes. A too big of a shirt now adorned your still shaking body, but at least you weren’t in rain-soaked clothes, which was all your boyfriend cared about. “I’m sorry that I am like this.” You whispered, your voice breaking through the layer of quiet that had been towering over the two of you for the last hour. His hands were running soothing circles on your back. “Don’t say sorry for something that you can’t control.” He paused, probably thinking carefully about what his next words would be, something he rarely ever did. “I know it is hard for you, and that’s okay. If someone should be sorry, it should be me. I shouldn’t have forgotten to answer you when I know how much it means to you.” You shook your head at him. “That literally just proves my point JJ, I shouldn’t freak out the way I did and then have you tell me you’re sorry.” Your turned your body away from him and curled up in a ball, tears brimmed in your eyes as you stared right into the wall. “I just wish I could turn my brain off.” You whispered into the night. His arms found their way around your body once again, holding you tight to his chest. “Well, I don’t wish that. I love your brain, I love the way you always come up with new ideas that everybody loves. I love how you notice things nobody else would. I love the way you care about me. I love getting those goodnight texts because that’s a first for me you know?” You nodded into his chest, biting your lip as an attempt to stop crying. “If turning your brain meant losing all those things, it wouldn’t be worth it. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t get help.” You shut your eyes close at his words, this conversation was one of many, and it always ended with you both fighting. “I only need you.” You muttered, and he chuckled ever so slightly. “I wish that was true, and I wish I could be enough for you, but we both know that’s not the case.” You groaned and turned around so that you were facing him. “Can we talk about in the morning?” He nodded, a small smile played on his lips as he watched your small pout. He leaned his face closer to yours, his forehead rested on yours, noses touching. You wish you could’ve seen his eyes, but the darkness prevented that. But if you had been able too, you would’ve seen the love and admiration that shone there, all for his girl.

#jj maybank #jj x reader #jj maybank imagines #jj imagines #obx jj #obx #outer banks #outer banks imagine #outer banks x reader

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cosmic-affinities · 5 years

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Loathing....Right? Ch3

The two scenarios in this chapter are meant to be happening at the same time so hopefully, it isn’t too confusing!

Read on AO3 Here

The next weeks flew by quickly the six 8th years seemingly always in Harry and Draco’s room, to the chagrin of the latter. Although it was always the end of the night where things become stretched thin. Harry had seen Malfoy (they were still Malfoy and Potter to the disappointment of the two women) swipe the hair off of his forehead at least eight times in the last ten minutes they had been working. The platinum colour was distracting, especially since it was slightly grown out and not under the weight of a tub of gel.

Draco had to resist the urge to magically stick Potter’s glasses to his face at any given moment. He couldn’t even begin to describe the way Potter moved around, graceless one moment and using his Seeker reflexes the next, it caught him off guard. The way Potter’s face scrunched when he was too concentrated, it was positively annoying, and he wouldn’t even start on the ill-fitting muggle clothing.

The icing on the cake for Harry was how thrown off he was by Malfoy’s voice, in the morning it was unrecognizable next to his usual drawl, after being quiet too long his voice would be scratchy. It made Harry’s head reel.

Everything about the other seemed to make their flesh begin to crawl, the driving force behind the crawl though, was still unknown.

“Oh, Prongslet! How are you? I feel like I haven't heard your voice in ages! Tell me everything, like who your roommate is and how your classes are. Tell. Us. Everything.”

“Sirius, breathe let him talk. Go ahead Harry, we’re listening.”

“Alright, I guess. You want to hear about my roommate,” Harry started slowly but at the mention of his roommate his words came out faster. “Well let me tell you, I can never focus with him around, he has some of the most annoying tendencies. Ok like his hair, it's unnaturally blonde and he pushes it around every two seconds making it absolutely impossible to do anything. Oh! And his voice, Merlin you guys I don’t know how people do it when he wakes up his voice doesn’t sound normal, hearing him talk like that makes my head reel. Or! When he hasn’t spoken for a little while his voice gets all scratchy. Even. Worse.”

“Oh, wow ok. Harry? Who is this mystery man? I think we need to talk about this a bit more.”

“That’s the thing, Remus! McGonagall put me with Malfoy!”

Both Sirius and Remus thanked Merlin that Harry couldn’t see their faces, both were sitting, mouths wide open trying not to laugh. Sirius decided to speak up, he wanted to help Harry figure this out.

“Wow, McG has not lost her touch. Let me tell ya Moons; she has a way with Potter’s and Evan’s remember your prefect to his head boy stunt? That was good, but I think this might just be better!”

Sirius couldn’t help but think back to his own time at Hogwarts, very similar to Harry’s time.

“Love, let's talk to Harry now then we can reminisce, ok?”

“Yes yes! Of course! You were always the smart one moons! Harry? Are you listening? Good, I think you may have some strong feelings for Malfoy,” Sirius wanted to try and soften the blow a little bit “-L-word feelings.”

Remus shot him a look, it seemed to say ‘Really L-word was the best you could do?’

“You know what Padfoot, I think you’re right!”

Shock radiated off of the older pair, they were not expecting him to agree so quickly, they had just suggested that he loves someone he is convinced he hates. They seemed to have jumped to a conclusion too soon.

“I absolutely loathe him.”

“Prongslet, I don’t think the L-word Sirius was talking about was loathing.” Remus trailed off, he could only do so much to help Harry.

“Well, either way, that's what it is. Loathing….. Right? It has to be. Yes! Ok, wow I feel better.”

The couple only gaped, they had just witnessed Harry flit through three emotions in about three seconds.

“Padfoot?”

“Yes, my moonbeam?”

“Remind me to never let you lead this kind of conversation, ever again.”

“Of course, my moony. I don’t think I would ever let myself either way.”

“Good. Ok, now Harry?”

“Yeah, Remus?”

“Why don’t you keep telling us about Malfoy? I know it must be nice to vent I remember you saying no one else understood because they were all happy with their roommates, so let it out while you can.”

“Moony what are you doing?”

“Just listen ok? I’m trying to help him.”

Their whispers stopped as soon as Harry began again, blissfully unaware of the pair’s internal battle.

“Where was I? Right, everything he does just gets under my skin! Ugh, he, he- I don’t know.”

“Drives you crazy?” Remus supplied helpfully.

“Yes! Remus exactly! How’d you know that?”

“‘Cause I had a very similar experience at Hogwarts, in my 5th year.” He glanced at Sirius wistfully, thinking back to that time, seemed so long ago but still fresh in their minds.

“Well then, who was your Malfoy?”

“Your Godfather.”

He said it so matter of factly as if the statement wouldn’t make Harry’s walls come crashing down around him. The silence loomed on, Remus thought Harry would fill it, eventually, he did, but only briefly.

“How’d you know it was the good kind of crazy?” Compared to a moment ago, Harry seemed subdued, maybe thoughtful. Definitely introspective.

“Oh, um. I guess it was when I realized the only reason his hair bothered me was because I wanted to run my fingers through it, and I wanted to kiss the smug look off of his face every time he teased me instead of wanting to punch him. Oh, and when he woke up saying my name, I never wanted him to stop.”

Everyone was quiet for a moment when Harry broke through the tension by speaking.

“Well, fuck.”

Sirius was so surprised, he couldn’t help but let out a bark of laughter but he quickly covered his mouth. His plan would have worked too, but when he heard Remus start to giggle he could no longer hold it together. Soon the three were all laughing like madmen.

“Wow, now I just feel really dense, like it was so obvious to everyone but me. OH NO! IT WAS SO OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE BUT ME! Shit shit shit! Merlin and Godric! Hermione probably knows! Hell, half of Hogwarts probably knows! McGonagall probably knows! Ah! How will I ever be able to face these people?! You guys! This sucks! OH NO WHAT IF MALFOY KNOWS!?! Ok, now I need help finding a hole to throw myself into!”

“Harry! Calm down, you are acting as if this is your first crush. Wait, is this your first crush?”

“Well yeah! Look, Remus, when a mass murderer is trying to well, Mass Murder you, crushes aren’t really at the top of your priorities! I didn’t have time for crushes! Well, maybe I had more time than I thought! OH MY GODRIC I basically stalked him in sixth year! This is Bad!”

“Prongslet, calm down! We can help you through this, Moony and I danced around each other at Hogwarts and look at how we ended up!”

“Padfoot, I was not lucky enough to fall in love with my best friend. This would be like Peter falling in love with Snivellus!” The two remaining marauders shuddered, but he did have a point.

“Wait, Harry did you say love?”

“Well yeah. It’s not every day you realize you've had a big ole crush on your archnemesis for half of your life, I think at this point it would be silly to not call it as it is, it's been so long it wouldn’t be right to call it anything but love I guess.” A certain sadness radiated from his voice, he sounded like he had given up on something he never even started.

“Oh Harry, I wish I could wrap you in a hug. Don’t sound so sad though, I can tell with utmost confidence that you Potter’s have a certain knack for making people go from hating you to loving you. I know you’ve heard your parents’ story, asking her out every day, the infamous ‘toerag incident’ but I happen to know another one. You see your grandparents took me in when my family didn’t, gay was the topper of the disappointment cake for old Walburga. Anyway one day your grandmother, Euphemia, sat James and I down to tell us the story of how she and your grandfather got together. It was a long and heartwarming story that started with the two of them a year apart at Hogwarts, severely hating each other due to an unfortunate quidditch mishap. But towards the end you grandfather, Fleamont, walked in and all he said was ‘despite the anger I would give everything up for her, nothing is worth losing her.’ which for him was a lot, he was rich and popular but would have given everything away in a heartbeat if it meant he could be with your grandmother. Look, Harry, you can do this, anyone would be a fool to let you move on without them.”

“Thanks, Padfoot, no one has ever told me that story, maybe I can do this. Hell, I'm more scared to face him than I was to face Voldemort, I think I just need time for him to become Draco, and not Malfoy before I go professing my love, not loathing. I still can’t believe it took me this long.”

The three spent the rest of their call joking and enjoying each other's company. Harry went to bed that night feeling better than he thought he could.

“Pansy! Why did you have to befriend all of the Gryffindors?!”

“Draco, by ‘all the Gryffindors’ do you mean my roommate and the roommates of my two best friends? If you do, then I’m not going to answer your question because its stupid.” Pansy didn’t look up from her nails, she was focused on painting them to perfection.

“Yes, Pansy! I would have been more than happy to ignore my roommate and gotten this year over with quickly, it has been two weeks and they have lasted about a month! Salazar Potter is absolutely the worst!” Draco was walking back and forth, flailing his arms, Pansy seemed disinterested as if she knew what was bound to happen.

“Tell me how awful he is Draco, maybe hearing it out loud will help you realize how mental you are to try and hate the golden boy.” Pansy’s mock encouragement only spurred Draco on.

“Well, first of all, I can’t believe McGonagall would even out us as roommates, it's as if she is asking for a situation! And Potter, ugh I can’t even describe how annoying he is all the time. His mannerisms are so peculiar it's just impossible!”

“So, basically he is a person who has habits. Like everyone.” Pansy deadpanned.

“No! Not like everyone, does everyone rub their face every three seconds? He acts as if someone is flicking him constantly, it's so distracting that, in potions, I put in the wrong ingredient and ruined the brew! And on top of that! He always wears ratty muggle clothes that hang off of him as if it was made for a giant! How am I meant to focus when there is a fashion crisis constantly near me?!”

“Draco, why are you so bothered by him? You aren’t nearly this bothered by Ron and Hermione.”

“You don’t understand what it is like to room with him! Are you even listening to me? His face, his clothing, everything about him! He, he just makes me ugh I don’t even know! My skin starts to crawl when he is close to me!”

“Tell me something Draco, when Harry is around you-”

“I also hate that you and Blaise call him that!”

“Draco, don’t interrupt me! Does Harry make your pulse rush? How about: make you turn red in the face?”

Draco paused mulling over the question.

“You know what, yeah he does! It's awful, it’s as if he's about to attack me! But here’s the worst part! He isn’t about to attack me, which is even weirder.”

“Draco, you know I feel the same way around Hermione, my heart won’t relax and she consumes my focus.”

“Then how can you stand to be around her?!”

Pansy looked aside, her expression showing how done she was with Draco’s impression of the situation.

“Because darling, I don’t hate her. I have a crush on her.”

“How is that similar to Potter and I at all? I absolutely loathe him. And Pansy, you should tell me these things when I'm Not in the middle of a rant.”

“Draco, it is exactly the same, except you are being too dense to realize it! I really don't think you loathe him at all, in fact, I’m pretty sure you have had a crush on him for years!”

As Pansy finished her sentence the pair heard an indistinct yell from down the hall, from the direction of Draco’s room.

“I’m not going to entertain your crazy fantasy, just because I am gay and ranting about a guy doesn’t mean I have a crush on him, someone I dislike! And what is going on over there? Who is yelling, I'm pretty sure Potter is in there on a firecall!”

“Draco this isn’t a gay thing! This is a you and Harry thing! I have listened to you go on and on about him for years, as children I didn’t know any better but now you just sound stubborn and unaware of your own feelings!”

“Pansy, look I don’t like him I barely tolerate him! Right? Of course, he is a menace! Look, you are making me question my own judgment!”

“You should be questioning yourself! At this rate, you are more blind than Harry and his glasses are nearly an inch thick!”

“Pansy! Honestly what makes you think I like him?”

“Look Draco, I'm sure if asked you could tell me the little details of his face, or his normal nighttime schedule, but I ask you the same thing about Blaise, who you roomed with for years, you wouldn’t be able to tell me the first thing about it. And I can see the way you perk up when someone says his name, I just hoped you would come to the conclusion on your own.” The pair sat quietly, only hearing general distress coming from Draco’s dorm but Draco finally spoke up.

“Damn it Pans, why couldn't you have said something sooner? Now I just feel like a hopeless idiot.”

“Well darling, most people don’t need to be made aware of their own feelings. And you are an idiot, not hopeless but an idiot all the same.”

“Does everyone know but me?! No, they can't. We have hated each other for years, no one other than you and maybe Blaise could know, right? Ugh having a crush is stressful, that's why i don’t get them.”

“Draco, you act as if having a crush is like catching a disease.”

“It basically is, like I said, that's why I don't get them.”

“Darling I hate to break it to you,” Pansy’s focus shifted back to her nails “But you do realize that the only reason you don't have crushes is because you have had the same one for years right?”

“Whatever Pansy! You need to help me figure out how to fix this! How am I supposed to room with someone I have a crush on?!”

“The same way you have been since we came back, the only difference is you will be 100% more shirtless at any given opportunity, that should be enough to get his attention!”

“Pansy, we don’t even know if he is gay! I don’t want to embarrass myself, I do have to live with him for the rest of the year!”

“Well i happen to know that he is gay, and Hermione and I are pretty sure he has a crush on you!’

“How could you possibly know that he is gay? And of course, I’ll trust a Gryffindor telling you that Harry Freakin Potter has a crush on me, that doesn’t sound suspicious or anything!”

“Well, Draco unlike you, I actually talk to Harry and he told me himself that he is gay, And please do cut back on the sarcasm, people across the castle can hear it I’m sure.”

“Pansy! Why didn’t you tell me?! Well, not that I would’ve listened before this but either way a casual mention, while we were talking, would have been great!”

“I assumed you knew! Whatever that is beside the point, you need a plan to seduce him!”

“Pansy he hates me, there’s no way I could ‘seduce’ him without getting seriously injured first.”

Some more indistinct yelling came from Draco’s dorm, Draco thought it sounded like Harry, not that he would ever admit to being able to pick his voice out so easily.

“What is that noise? Who is yelling?” Pansy asked she seemed irritated at being interrupted again, no matter how indirect it was.

“Potter is in there on a firecall, probably just excited about something, just ignore him.”

“Draco, how did you manage to get all of that from two yells? He sounds crazy, you can’t even tell what he’s saying!”

“Isn’t it obvious? The yells have been far enough apart that you can tell no one is in distress, we already knew he was on a firecall, presumably with people he enjoys talking to since the year just started and he's already talking to whoever it is, and plus the yell did sound suspiciously like ‘oh my Godric’ something only a true Gryffindor would say. It's simple really”

“Darling none of that was simple, you sound like Sherlock Holmes, it's kind of scary how well you know him.”

“Oh whatever, at least Sherlock is well respected, Doyle was able to make a truly good character for wizards and muggles surprisingly.”

“Can we not talk about ancient wizard authors? We have something much more important on hand!”

“I’m sure Hermione wouldn’t mind discussing wizard authors with you.” Draco shot her a suggestive eyebrow raise and enjoyed the blush that rose to her cheeks. “Oh did you think i had forgotten that I am not the only one with a crush on their roommate?”

“Draco I do not need your help seducing Hermione, I already have a plan and you seem to be getting nowhere with your roommate so I suggest you stop teasing me or else I won't help you with Harry anymore!”

“Alright alright, I'm only kidding, do keep me updated on how everything goes with her, you are still my best friend and I do like to know these things.”

“Yes yes, of course, I will, you know that. Now I think you should just start throwing small hints, maybe sit a little closer to him and start conversations when you two are alone just so we can see how he reacts.”

Draco pondered the information for a moment and nodded his head. “Starting slow sounds good, I don’t necessarily fancy getting myself hexed because I hit on Potter.”

“He said nearly the same thing about getting you out of bed that first morning here, you two really are oblivious when it comes to each other, and you should really call him Harry, be friendly.”

“Calling him anything other than Potter or Scarhead would be weird so unless he asks me specifically to call him by his first name I will stick to Potter.”

“Fine fine, I knew I was pushing it a little, would you call him Harry if he called you Draco?”

“Probably not, unless he asks me to in the same breath as he says my name, I’m going to go with no.”

“Alright fine, I’ll see what I can do.”

The pair sat and talked for a while longer, straying away from their conversation about their respective Gryffindor crushes, they hadn’t been able to talk alone for quite a while, school was already beginning to get tough.

#drarry #drarry fic #harry/draco #Harry Potter #blairon #pansmione #ron x blaise #hermione x pansy #loathing right #chapter 3 #AO3 fanfic #what is this feeling

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drink-n-watch · 5 years

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This season of Psycho Pass is frustrating for me. There are some brilliant insights and promising pieces of world building but they get bogged down by a messy and overly complicated narrative or else squandered. But I’m not going to bore you with story structure today. I know most people aren’t really into that sort of thing. Instead let’s start things off on something people do want to now, how are you Matt?

I’m fine, thanks for asking!

This week picked up with the denouement of the immigrant plot and, spoiler alert, it kind of fizzled.

Oh-ho-ho, I guess this’ll be a review where we disagree a lot then! This was my favourite episode in a while!

I’m blaming Steins;Gate for my lack of focus this week though, seems I cannot hear the name Kurisu without thinking back on it! And you know how it is, once I start thinking about Steins;Gate I need a minute to get back to reality.

I’m surprised it took you this long in this review series to mention Steins;Gate! That’s gotta be a personal record for you!

Anywho, from my personal tastes, Psycho Pass have been introducing way too many characters since the start of the season without bothering to really develop any of them so by now I’m straining to just keep proper track of everyone and their motivations, let alone form an emotional connection. I enjoy big ensemble casts but not when you also have to weave in such a complex plot.

For instance, I never really connected with Sister, Kurisu or the other two. I also don’t care about any of the roundrobin players at this point. So even though the revelation of Kurisu being alive and his twisted plan were more or less coherent, they really didn’t have the impact on me they should have.

I didn’t connect with any of the religious leaders of Kurisu either–but I mean were we supposed to?

Yup.

What did get a surprisingly emotional reaction from me was the revelation that Kei is o.k. In fact he seems to have healed up nicely between episodes. And although Heaven’s Leap apparently had kidnapped Maiko for leverage against him, they immediately switched the bait to information about his brother which was just silly. I have a feeling it’s these guys’ first high level shake up.

As much as I loved Maiko’s badass turn later in the episode (and the potential consequences it has for her hue) the villains’ motivation and having Maiko dragged into it all seemed kind tacked on for added drama, but whatever I’m glad she’s not dead!

Hur hur hur… “dangerous bottom”

We got to see a lot of Kei and his daring escape attempts and I thought that part was way more fun than Arata tracking down Kurisu. Except for the few times he got to use his trace and am I the only one who thought that was such Donnie Darko imagery? Never mind, I’m probably the only one who still remembers Donnie Darko.

Oh I remember Donnie Darko, only because it’s one of my least favourite films of all time but let’s not get too distracted from the topic at hand…

Why have I never realized before that Shion has a mullet? A femullet!

To me, the most promising reveal we got this episode was the conversation between Mika and her boss (I’m sorry I don’t remember her name). It seems the really not all that secret, secret criminal organization Bifrost, has gotten a touch too bold and Sybil is getting ready to bite back. As a premise that in itself holds a lot of promise. Though I remain wary about execution.

They better not rush the (presumed) demise of Bifrost into a single episode, it’s too soon (in my opinion).

In my opinion, this sort of arc would work best if we got a bit more info on Bifrost. Do we even know what the winner actually gets?

I imagine like most incredibly wealthy and powerful people its just bragging rights. Being in Bifrost kinda seems like being in a way more high-stakes and influential game of Russian Roulette.

I keep saying this but because I have a blind spot in my Psycho Pass knowledge I can’t tell if the returning characters are simply inconsistent (that is NOT the Nobu I know!) or if their evolution has changed them considerably. It would probably be better if I also forgot the past seasons.

Your guess is as good as mine, and I even watched the other stuff!

Although the reveal mentioned above was indeed the most promising, it was not my favourite scene this week. Not by a long shot. That parallel to season 1 in the tunnels, with a white haired man holding a “helpless” woman hostage was simply brilliant. For most of it I was doing a snooty face and thinking to myself “I see what you’re trying to do and that’s cool and all but you’re really just drawing attention to how much better it was the first time around”. But then it subverted my expectations and I got to give it to Psyco Pass 3, that impressed me. Credit where credit is due, that was a very good scene. I’m trying not to describe it in too much details cause spoilers but you can see it in the caps.

I think I jumped the gun and mentioned it earlier but yes, a definite highlight.

In general though, for me, this episode was a few shiny moments in an otherwise dull mass. The art quality once again went down. Character motivations were often spotty and the twist ending, although not bad in and of itself, comes a bit too soon in my opinion. I would have enjoyed a bit of respite as to me this is getting close to melodrama and the stakes are already out of control.

For the first time in a couple of weeks I finally felt like I was able to properly follow everything going on and enjoy it all too with very few complaints. My particular favourite part was the final ‘confrontation’ between Kurisu and Arata, not only was it visually impressive–evoking some future-neon art sensibilities reminiscent of ‘Blade Runner’–but also having Sho there constantly checking Arata’s crime coefficient throughout and watching in disbelief as it dropped to zero was very cool. Maybe I was just happy to see this part of the story ~end~ in a satisfying way when I was so wary about it being possible last week but those are my thoughts anyway.

Psycho Pass s3 ep7 – That Looks Familiar This season of Psycho Pass is frustrating for me. There are some brilliant insights and promising pieces of world building but they get bogged down by a messy and overly complicated narrative or else squandered.

#action #anime #Collab #crime #drama #Psycho Pass #sci fi

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danddymaro · 6 years

Text

Gaara No Sabaku x reader | Happiness

Pairing: Gaara no Sabaku x Reader

Word Count : 2448

Fixed/Revised

Mostly in his POV

From original to Shippuden and onward.

I tried to not change too much of it, because Then it’d just be something else.

Happiness

His aquamarine eyes were a complete abyss of nothingness to many, with a deep void that was visible through the two seemingly bottomless pits.

They were rimmed with the blackest color in existence that definitely had a stark contrast to his pale skin.

His hair, being the color of passion, made him stand out in a full crowd and in short, he was someone that simply couldn't be missed by the wandering eye.

- But his appearance wasn't what made him an outsider.

To many, the physical attributes would have not mattered much.

It was what had grown within his being that made people avoid him at any cost. If you were to ask anyone, they would assure you he was a demon spawn, akin to a creation of pure evil.

He was a complete abomination, unloved, and only one purpose in life:

To create destruction.

He was Gaara no Sabaku

For many years the very name struck fear in the hearts of those of his village, as well as simultaneously aspired a deep nested hate within thier very cores.

Cold and alone, without anyone to care for him, he learned to care for only himself, and for so long time, he was the monster that his father and everyone in his land had made him out to be.

With no other choice, he’d long given up hope in being anything but that wretched creature, but it all suddenly changed and his life took a complete turn.

He soon saw the world in a different shade other than those of black and white.

Colors soon surrounded him, and this was all thanks to his new friend Uzumaki Naruto,

' Friend…' he would often repeat the word in solace, because, before then, the world would have not ever been associated with him.

The very word that associated with companionship, and love was unfathomable to him.

' Love…'

To think A damned creature as himself had love.

He had soon come to grasp something he had long given up on, and had felt wasn't meant to co-exist within his world of isolation.

It was incomprehensible, but, you see, the tan-skinned, blonde had a way of making everything possible.

- He always had a way.

It was because of that one boy, who was much like himself, that he saw the world differently.

And with all the new colors in his life, he came to the conclusion that his favorite would have to be (e/c).

- it only took him so long to realize it.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Gaara p.o.v.

Scent...what a scent.

I remember a time long ago…

The scent of your blood was driving me insane!

It was so sweet and not only called to me, but my demon. We both searched for the scent of heaven that coursed on earth.

Stepping foot in Konoha I was overwhelmed.

My mind was in constant distraction, because of that damn scent. I arrived to be met with the sight of so many genins, many around my age, but none with the deliciousness that had taken over one of my senses.

Yet, I knew you were there...

The more my stomach twisted, and the more my heart raced, the more certain I grew of the fact that you would be near, and so I searched.

I searched for the creature that called out to me so strongly, and I followed that sweet scent and was soon lead to a simple genin.

I stopped dead in my tracks then.

- I remember it so well, I could tell it word for word if you asked.

But I know you won't, because, I know you're ashamed.

I was just in time to see your match; the preliminaries.

Your match was pitiful. Your moves were weak, but only because they matched your will.

Where was your courage?

Where was your confidence?

Where was your will to survive?

I didn't see it when your hand shook while holding a kunai.

I didn't see it when you lost your footing so early on.

It certainly didn't show when you gave up.

Of all things, that was what bothered me most, that you simply gave in without a fight.

I asked myself where it all was, and how someone so pitiful could call themselves a ninja.

I questioned myself if I was mistaken when I thought you were special, and by then, I tried to leave, but my feet stayed planted.

So, annoyed I looked on, and with my own surprise, I was relieved to watch you stand back up from your beating without assistance.

There was a type of spark in your eyes that flashed before you walked away with your head down, eyes drawing downcast. And at that very moment, I knew I wanted to see those downcast eyes' gaze set on me instead.

I needed them to look up in my direction. I felt a strong need to have them locked on my own and nothing else.

- I remember the first time I came towards you.

I didn't hold flowers nervously behind my back to woo you, and I didn't have the perfect line to make you swoon either.

- no

I was an uncontrolled beast without a leash and unhinged by that time.

I raged across the entire field with the intention of seeing those pretty eyes up close.

Such beautiful orbs had captivated me that they riddled every thought I had.

I wanted to rip them out and keep them all to myself, save them and keep them safe, just for me.

Those pretty eyes would be wide with shock and fear when I approached them...yes.

- That was my plan.

Those were my intentions because at the time I didn't know what it was to love or to hold affection.

During then, I didn't know how to place that emotion you caused with those twinkling drops.

All I knew was to cause fear.

All I knew was to wreak havoc.

And somehow in my mind, I assumed giving you all I could was my best choice.

I didn't know why I wanted to do this, believe me, I didn't.

I know I was much younger then, but the feelings of arousal I felt were sickeningly real and undeniable. I didn't know what overcame me, but I knew you were the one to cause this.

Only you could stop this pain in my chest.

But imagine this, my love...

Instead of pleasure, your eyes brought me shame.

I stopped in my tracks, dead on my feet.

I had yet to hear your voice back then, but I didn't need to.

Your eyes spoke loud enough.

During then, it was as if you had expected more of me. As If, perhaps, you believed I was much more than the monster everyone saw me as,

As the monster, I believed I was.

‘Do you believe this? Or am I hallucinating?’ I thought with stunned bewilderment.

Again, my chest had become pained.

Again, that feeling weighed down on me when I began to wonder if you cared.

I've cast aside the need for affection, so why did you bring it back forth? How did you breathe life into it?

For so long I questioned my entire existence thanks to you.

And I remember

It was then that I began to question my existence wholeheartedly. Once I saw the way you gazed at me, it made me snap out of my bloodthirsty rampage for just a second.

That day I turned and pretended to be unaware of your crouching figure, sparing you of my unease.

But I knew...

I knew you hid above the trees.

My predator eyes could see you looking straight at me with that wretched look that made me shiver in disgust to my own self.

You hid shaking like the leaves did while the wind became stronger upon my arrival. I tore my focus from you, instead, finding another to release my frustrations in, because I couldn't bring you harm.

I couldn't face you.

Because of some power you held, I could not touch you.

I was there and could literally feel your heart at my hands. It was there and pulsed wildly.

Yet, Rather than the sickeningly sweet pleasure that should have consumed me, your eyes brought me shame.

It was A feeling I didn't know I had any more, and I tasted bitterness at knowing this is what you will think of when my name crossed your mind.

-A rampaging beast.

- A bloodthirsty killer.

I ground my teeth together because strangely enough, I couldn't bear the thought of knowing that eventually, you will know the truth about just how ugly I could be.

You were so small and shaken. Your heart was mine at that moment, yet, I decided to reach for it another time...and in a much different fashion.

I was too young to realize this, but my heart, it was yours as well and with my withdrawal I left you, only to claim it later on in the future instead.

Years later, I saw you again.

I decided to go see the leaf's Hokage personally, seeing as I was now the Kazekage, claiming a title that had been passed down to me.

I'd use this as an excuse, A sorry excuse to see you, because, after all the years that had gone by, I hadn't let my obsession die.

To see just a glimpse, a small glance, that was my goal.

Perhaps if I saw you, then I would feel nothing but reminiscence, meaning that I'd long outgrown you. I could only imagine my silly infatuation would be nothing more than a memory by the time I came across you again.

And luck just happened to be by my side, because It wasn't long before we ran into each other.

I brushed by you, and would you believe it if I said I felt like there was a spark?

A literal spark was set between us.

Perhaps it was just static, but I will always believe it was somehow the connection between us that caused the tiny jolt of electricity to spread throughout my body from that one tiny contact.

Your (e/c) colored hair danced so beautifully with the breeze as I passed you, and I couldn't help but muse that they were similar to silken strands of ribbon flowing freely in the wind.

You left a sweet trail behind you, one that enticed me so. And I was so delighted to understand that, this time around, it was not the scent of your blood that drew me in.

I wasn't a beast driven by carnage, but rather a man driven by likeness and true attraction.

This was an intoxicating scent that called out to me and made me want to pull you back towards me. It was an earthy one that came from just you, and it didn't make me feel that sickeningly aroused way I did before, but rather, it made me feel at home.

The feeling of home came with your scent and I was washed by comfort.

It was soft, tranquil and made me feel at ease.

I will admit it now, I was hopeful in seeing you during the entire way there.

Those few minutes of sleep I'd have, I'd dream of you, focusing on the one thing to keep my sanity at bay.

I’d imagine you smiling at me as if I actually was interesting.

I’d imagine your hand softly slipping into mine, just before I'd give it a soft, reassuring squeeze to let you know I'm here, with you.

And I could only imagine that the smile on your face would be priceless.

I’d imagine the look of sadness that would cross your face as I left, letting me know how much you'd miss me, and what was much more, letting me see that you weren't afraid to show it.

Above all else, I’d imagine you looking at me like no other person had.

I’d hope to see your gaze drop to me and not see a Jinchuriki or Kazekage.

You wouldn't see me as any of these titles, but rather, just Gaara.

Simply, just Gaara

Years have passed and you'd changed. You'd changed so much from what I could see.

You'd grown little, but those beautiful, innocent eyes were now much stronger, and they didn't waver in the least bit.

They only looked straight ahead. You looked up at the world with your head held high.

You walked with your headband tied securely and proudly, and I could see it.

It brought a dainty smile to my face.

You were so much more different, So much more beautiful.

I had hoped to find the same girl I did all those years ago in that village, but instead, I came across a different young woman.

And you know what? I was ok with that, because every flower blossoms, and that you did just that.

I was someone else as well… I had changed too, and I hoped you would see that.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

PRESENT TIME -

Staring at you now, I try my best to hide my smile.

Everyone teases me for this, for being so obvious and transparent in my feelings towards you.

To my disdain, I only have the color of my cheeks to match my hair in proof of how much you still fluster me.

It's an effect I hope lasts forever.

Just then your hand slips into mine, and I can feel how soft and small it is while held within my own.

My eyes gaze away from you, looking straight forward instead because I know that you'll stay by me.

I only want to walk forward with you.

With a smile, I give your tiny hand a soft squeeze, reassuring you that I am here, and so are you.

I constantly have to remind myself this isn’t a dream and you truly are at my side, because It's all too perfect.

Grinning wildly, you only look down at our hands with what I can only describe as utter bliss.

Are you as happy as I am (f/n)?

This isn't a dream, not a fantasy where Gaara can be happy.

This is a reality where he can have a persistent, bright friend like Uzumaki Naruto, one who’d crawl under the darkest pits to reach out for him.

It's a world where I've come to obtain true bonds that last a lifetime and even longer.

This is a reality where the people of Suna look on giggling with glee as he displays affection towards his beautiful lover.

In this reality he isn't a monster, he is a leader, a protector, and a lover.

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shikkearu · 6 years

Text

Irreplaceable Part 22: Resolution for a mother

The feeling you get the first time you hold your child, it's something indescribable, or so people say. Indescribable joy, love, warmth. All kinds of emotions. Positive mostly.

Hancock is a mother. It's her past she tried to run away from and it's part of her future, though her past doesn't come up as often anymore. Even when some reporter does bring it up, she's learned to deal with it amicably. It wasn't so in the past, as she had been consumed by her own bitterness and anger, something she isn't proud of. As easy as it would be to explain everything with her depression, she knows it's not the whole truth, just as solely blaming Mihawk wasn't either. She does her best to correct her past error in new interviews, though no-one really cares about her ex-husband anymore. Now-a-days people concentrate on Ace and Dragon, because they are relevant, but she does her best to keep them out of the spotlight.

Part of her feels blessed that she looks so alike to Ace, yet isn't related by blood, so people think she truly is his mother. If they ask those questions many mother hear countless times, she can just avoid answering by telling them he's her stepson. Her wonderful son she loves with all her heart even if they've been a family so little time. The way she thinks about Ace makes her stop sometimes and think about her son with Mihawk. She thinks of how everything could have been so much different, had she sought out help earlier, if everything had been normal. But it wasn't normal, and she knows it can never be.

So when people ask her how she felt first time holding her child, it's not Ace who rises in her mind, but her son. So she answers that it was indescribable and they just assume she was happy, though she knows very well what she felt that day all those years ago.

But it's not socially acceptable to say it was mostly negative.

----

The air feels still in the hot room. A fan slowly spins as her head spins from exhaustion. People around her speak hurriedly, but she cannot hear them or see what they're doing. She wants a glass of water as sweat runs down her forehead. She tries to ask a nurse for some, but no words come out. Why did she have them drive her husband out, he would be giving her a glass of water without asking. He would be so happy for her having completed her duty, he would do anything for her. Anything-

Her thoughts are interrupted, by the room being filled with a deafening wailing and sighs of relief. She doesn't understand what is so good about the awful noise, her child doesn't sound like that.

She swallows when a nurse comes to her carefully holding the source of noise on her arms. She congratulates her and passes the screaming thing to her. Little bit curious she takes a look at the creature given to her and she wants to scream.

This thing is not what was inside her. This is not the long waited beautiful child that would fix everything. She wants her real baby, not this red and purple thing first screaming and now gnawing on her breast. Just holding it is making her insides turn and it makes her nauseous.

She starts to cry and finally her husband is allowed in. He dashes over to her and the thing. She trusts him to know for sure, that this is not their child and to take action to find where they've hidden the real one. But the way he looks at the creature, she can see a sparkle in his eyes. The same sparkle, that led her to keep the child in the first place. It was his look of love she has wanted for herself for so long. While he looks at the lump of flesh in her arms, at times he glances at her and she feels that some of that love might be directed at her after all. She was certain of it, when he softly caressed her hand, smiling the happiest smile he had, and thanked her, before pressing a careful soft kiss on her cheek.

But as the lump of flesh grew and started to walk and talk, the more obvious it was that the sparkle was never directed at her. Only at the being, that was not really their child. Or maybe something so disgusting could only be born of a love so twisted.

She grew jealous to it. How could he love this thing and not her? Why would his eyes only sparkle at her when she was with the creature? Why would he got so angry, when she rejected the imposter and only forgive her if she cuddled with it again. Everything was supposed to get better, so why was it all worse now instead?

----

Alerted by the doorbell, Perona opened the out door to see an unknown yet familiar woman. It took her a moment to realize, that it was Hancock. Her silky smooth hair was on two braids. They hung over an old jersey and a t-shirt with odd print of pineapple and snakes. She wore tight high-waist jeans and sneakers. She had a baseball cap and absolutely no make-up on. This woman was not the empress Perona had met several times who secretly came to visit and hid in obscurity. This was just Hancock. Her outer look was so different, she could walk freely and no-one knew any better.

- "You look so different I couldn't recognize you." Perona sighed in awe. - "I would dress like this more often, if I did not hate being without my glamour."

Of course her posture and personality were the same, those could not be changed.

Hancock, Ace and Dragon had come to town for a longer visit and were picking up Zoro and Perona to go play at an local park. Mihawk was unfortunately at work, but Hancock seemed to be relieved to hear it.

- "Did you not want to see him? I thought-" - "Of course I did, it's just I wanted to spend more time with you and he's a huge distraction." - "A distraction?" Perona chuckled. Mihawk hardly spoke a lot when they came to visit. - "Seeing him makes me feel like back when we started our relationship." She mumbled looking down at the ground.

Hancock was ashamed. It was hard for her to admit, that Mihawk was and still is the most attractive man she's ever met. Even harder when the man she was married to nonchalantly just shrugged off her comment. It hurt, that he knew and just accepted being being inferior.

After a bit of walking and asking Hancock how her work was going, they were at the park. Zoro and Ace sprung into action and Dragon followed them making sure that they wouldn't hurt themselves since Zoro was rather clumsy and was better at following instructions from an adult than from Ace. Perona and Hancock sat at a nearby bench and looked as the trio went to try out the swings. It was funny how such a scary looking man was adored by the two kids and how he joined their silly games not feeling ashamed at all. They seemed to have so much fun, a third child joined their group.

- "So you and Dragon." Perona hummed to Hancock. "Why him?" - "What do you mean?" - "You're a beauty and he looks like a delinquent. Quite a mismatch." - "Ah well," Hancock blushed slightly. "We used to go to the same school as kids and he just became a good friend to me. He's been there for me throughout the years." - "Even when-" - "Yes, he was at the wedding and supported me through the divorce. He wasn't judgmental and actually listened to what I had to say. Back then if I got angry I started to scream, because I had grown used to do so, but he just waited patiently and then asked me to breathe for a moment and then explain it to him again." - "I guess he's the person who made you think about therapy?" - "Dragon did suggest it to me, but he didn't try to force me. He knows how to handle me." - "Eh? So why didn't you two get together earlier?" - "Because I'm a very shallow person and back then I was all about looks." Hancock laughed dryly. "I'm better now but it's a continuous struggle to be a good person. And he was a delinquent back then, but straightened out his act."

Hancock looked at Dragon thoughtfully and then continued.

- "But the biggest thing was, that I've never had that spark with him. Our relationship has always been compassionate and caring, but it doesn't have the passion I had with Mihawk." - "Eh? The sex is not good?" Perona sneered and Hancock blushed deep red. - "Rude! The sex is very good, thank you very much. No, what I mean is that there's nothing that draws me in with Dragon, but our relationship is so much better and balanced than the one I had with Mihawk. Many times I find myself thinking, that I rushed to Mihawk and fell in love with what I thought he was and not for the actual person. In the end I didn't really know anything about him. I don't know of his childhood, what's his favourite colour or food. Nothing. It's unbelievable, isn't it? We were together a bit over seven years and didn't know each other. But I know Dragon and he knows me. We don't scream fight and we support each other... He's my best friend." - "I know how that feels. My husband was my best friend as well." Perona looked out in the distance reminiscing how close they had been. - "Perona, I consider you as a real friend to me. I don't have many people I can say that about. Many are scared of me or just tolerate me to get onward with their careers. You're one of the few people who hasn't been afraid of me. It surprised me back then when we first met."

Perona looked at her a bit surprised and laughed.

- "I was terrified back then. I would have run if it wasn't the only chance to get to know you." Then she smiled warmly. "I'm so glad I got to know you. You're my friend too, Hancock. You can come to me with anything and I'll listen." - "Ah." Hancock looked delighted and bashfully looked at the children now playing with a ball. "We are actually thinking of buying a house nearby. To settle down. Ace never liked the constant traveling and it would be nice to be near you and Zoro. I still have to be away, but this time it's different. I actually miss them a lot, when I have to be apart from them. I miss you too." - "I think that would be wonderful Hancock. I'm sure Zoro will be thrilled to know that he has a playmate and his granny living so close by." - "Granny makes me sound so old. Please use something else." - "Alright, Mamma." Perona snickered. - "It's still bad." Hancock looked irked.

Just then Dragon came by the bench and drank some water. He gave a bottle to Ace who had followed him and Zoro went to Perona who gave him his bottle of milk. After drinking Ace wiped his mouth at the back of his hand which Zoro tried to emulate, but couldn't quite do it. Instead he accidentally punched his own nose.

Ace said something to Hancock in Portugal. He put emphasis on a word "bruxa" which seemed to make Hancock grimace. She chastised him, but rose up to join their play. They rushed back to play with the ball, the third kid was still hanging with them. As Perona was going to stand up and go play too, Dragon looked at her like he wanted to say something. But he and Perona weren't as well acquainted with each other, so he was being somewhat shy. So she took the lead.

- "Who is the kid playing with you?" It was troubling her a bit that she couldn't see his parents anywhere. - "His name is Sabo. He says he lives nearby. Seems to like Ace a lot." - "Maybe you'll get to see him more if you move here." - "Hancock told you?" He seemed somewhat relieved. Perona nodded. - "We've been thinking about it for awhile now. Seems like a good moment to settle down and this city has pretty much anything one could need." - "This is a great place. I love it here." Though many places felt painful at times with the memories of her husband. - "You know Perona. I'm really thankful to you." - "Eh? I haven't really done much." - "You've done more than you think. The meeting with you changed something in Hancock. I feel that she's more close to finding a resolution in her life now." - "Hancock did just tell me she considers me her friend." - "She did? Amazing. You're also her hero." - "What!? Hero!?" Some one special like Hancock considering her as her hero felt absurd. - "Every time after you two meet, she writes down things you said or did. She thinks you're the perfect mother and she tries her best to be like you with Ace, though he is a bit of a rascal compared to Zoro." - "I feel honored." - "Don't tell her I told you. She'd just deny it and get angry at me. She can be so very proud." - "Don't worry, my lips are sealed."

Hancock returned back and looked somewhat exhausted.

- "Did we bring any sand toys? The boys are going to try making a castle." - "I'll take them to them." Dragon chuckled and left.

Hancock looked happy, but then uncertain.

- "There's this other thing we have been thinking of. It's a very scary thing and I don't know if I'm ready." She sat back down. - "What's scaring you about it?" Perona didn't ask what the thing was. Something about her way of speaking signaled, that Hancock did not want to say it out loud. - "The feeling that I'm not worthy. I still can't say I love him." - "Who do you mean? Dragon?" - "Ah, no. My son. Someone who I gave birth to and I just... can't. It doesn't mean that I don't love Zoro. I love him to pieces and Ace too, but I can't say it about him and I want to, but it still feels wrong. I don't think I can do this thing without loving him. If I don't love him then how can I ever..." She ended the sentence with a sigh.

Hancock seemed flustered. Her words were uncertain and she really wanted Perona to understand, but she just couldn't find the right way to explain. Perona pondered for a moment watching as the children played.

- "I think it's impossible to love him the same way you love Ace or Zoro." - "But I want to. I need to. It's what he deserved." - "It's not something you can do anymore. That would require you to spend time with him, rebuild your relationship and you know it's impossible now." - "But if I don't then I can never- uh- I can't-" - "Hancock, the only one you really need to love right now is yourself. He is gone now and I don't think he really cares if you love him or not. He had admitted to himself that you would not come back, so there's no need to torture yourself over it." - "It's hard." - "I know, but it's okay for you to let go of that guilt. I want you to live life to the fullest. Love yourself and your family and no more regrets. Do this 'thing' with Dragon. You clearly want to and are just trying to find excuses, because you fear you might fail. You messed up once, but learned from it and grew as a person. It's okay for you to look forward to things in life."

Hancock sobbed and went through her handbag. She took a tissue and wiped her tears and blew her nose. She then took another one and handed it to Perona.

- "Same applies to you, Perona." - "I do look-"

Mid sentense she broke into tears. She had realized, that she actually hadn't looked forward to anything. Not Zoro's growth, not the small trips, nothing. By far it had all been a haze of doing. Just doing something and try being happy. Try convince yourself you've moved on, when you really hadn't. But maybe it truly was the time to start living again. Fully.

She hugged Hancock and she held her back.

- "No Zoro you idiot! Ouch!"

They quickly turned to look at what had happened. Dragon and Sabo looked dumbfounded, Ace was holing his head and Zoro dropped his small shovel and then dashed straight to the mothers. Big tears fell on his cheeks as he hugged Peronas feet. She slightly petted his back and tried to ask from him why he had hit Ace. Ace pouted and stayed where he was. Hancock went to him and asked what had happened.

- "I was just trying to teach Zoro how to make cakes, but he's so stupid," Perona could feel Zoro flinch, "that he won't get it. Then he just hit me for no reason. I wasn't even rough with him."

Dragon nodded as a verification, that Ace told the truth.

- "It's okay I understand." Perona petted Zoros head. "Ace have you thought, that calling Zoro stupid, hurts his feelings?" - "Huh, what? He's an idiot baby. He doesn't get it yet." - "Ace." Hancocks voice was dire.

Ace shivered and groveled to Zoro. He looked down on the ground and kicked it.

- "I'm sorry, Zoro."

Zoro turned a bit and looked ashamed. He nodded quietly as an answer to him. He turned to bury his face back at Peronas feet.

- "I think we should go home now. Ace, please help Dragon pick up the toys."

Ace rushed back to the sandpit to pick any toys they had brought. Hancock looked at Perona who had now picked Zoro onto her lap. He held tightly onto her, hiding his face the best he could.

- "Can you please go visit the grave with me?" Hancock fidgeted slightly. - "Isn't that something you should rather do with Mihawk?" - "Ah, no. There's a thing..." Hancock shook her head. "He wouldn't understand. Please Perona." - "Well, it's been awhile since I've last been there anyway, so alright."

----

Mihawk and Dragon stayed at home with the kids. Hancock didn't really want any of them at the cemetery, so Perona had been the one to drive them there. Hancock was holding a lush and big bouquet. She waited for Perona to get off the car before holding her hand out to her, shyly looking away. Perona took it and squeezed it while smiling warmly.

- "It's going to be okay. I'll give him a good talking if he causes any trouble."

Hankcok smiled slightly, but got serious again. They started walking towards the grave and Perona could feel her hand shaking.

- "Is it your first time here?"

Hancock bit her lip and shook her head. Her whole body started to tremble.

- "I've been here a couple of times, but," She squeezed her eyes shut, "I've never had the courage to go all the way."

Perona hugged her warmly and when the older woman stopped her shaking, she released her hold.

- "Shall we continue?"

Hancock smiled softly. She looked scared and fragile, but knew that Perona would bring her strength. There was something special about her.

It was warm and sunny. The aspens were just opening their leaves and looked soft green. It was serene there as always. The granite of his head stone was not as shiny and clean as before and the feeling of emptiness was still there. Perona wanted to clutch her chest, but she kept it to herself. They stood before the grave and Hancock quickly placed her flowers on it, as if she was scared something might grab her. She held her hands near her mouth like she was praying, but looked nervous. She side glanced at Perona who had calmly closed her eyes and had a slight smile on her face, an effort to calm Hancock down.

- "Uhm, I want to say a thing and my therapists said it would be good to say out loud, to make it feel more real. Ah, erm... Make it a possibility. " She stuttered slightly and kept eyeing Perona who turned her head to look at her. - "Do you want me to move a bit further so I won't hear?" - "What, NO!" She gasped as pale as a sheet. "I mean, I need you. Just it feels stupid."

Perona looked at Hancock and took her hand and held it tightly.

- "Then we'll just be a little goofy together." She took a deep breath in. "Hey hubby, it's been a while. I hope you're not cheating me with some voluptuous ghost lady over there."

Hancock was aghast, but Perona kept going.

- "Zoro is fine. You know, he just had his second birthday. Yeah you've been gone nearly a year now. Anyways I'm here with your mother. She's not as bad person as you've led me to think and maybe when you two finally meet again she can tell you everything and you can forgive her fully. I should probably let her speak, you know how I can babble on and on."

Perona grinned at Hancock who was slightly smiling as well. She looked at the tombstone and then at the flowers.

- "I came here to apologize for everything. I'm sorry I couldn't be a the mother you needed and deserved. I'm sorry I got so jealous to you, when I should have loved you. Your father was never really meant to love me, but I'm glad now that he loved you so much. Things went bad then and I will always carry that shame with me."

Tears dropped down her cheeks and Perona gave her a tissue and she blew her nose. She felt slightly awkward showing such vulnerable side to Perona, but she looked at her encouragingly.

- "I hope that someday you can forgive me and I forgive myself. A lot has changed, during the time we have not seen each other. I've found a man who loves me back as much as I love him and he has a son. It was hard for me at first to try identify as a second mother to him and he certainly didn't make it easy. It's a work in progress since his real mother is still very much around. Sometimes he calls me a hag which I sort of deserve. But I love him very much, and I love my husband as well. They've helped me to become better."

She took few deep breaths and squeezed Peronas hand as if to make sure she was still there. She kneeled and touched the red granite stone.

- "I- I'm sorry for having been such a coward. I should have contacted you personally. Called, anything. I just kept on stupidly writing those letters, wishing for a miracle, that somehow you or someone else would choose to read to my letter. If I had had the strength, things could be so different now. I lost my chance to have a family with you and your father, and I'll regret that the rest of my life. But I don't want any more regret in my life."

Again Hancock took a deep breath, but now she let go of Perona. This last thing was something she would say completely with her own strength.

- "I was a mother. I am a mother and I am going to be a mother. Me and my husband, we're going to try and have a baby. Together we'll make sure, that what happened between us, will not happen again. I'll make sure they'll get the same amount of love you deserved to have and even more. We'll come visit again, the whole family, I promise."

Hancock wiped a few tears away and stood up. Perona smiled as she saw a determined look on her face.

- "I think I'm ready now. To move forward and give myself a chance."

Perona glomped the woman and squeezed her tightly. Hancock was a bit surprised at first, but then wrapped her arms around her into a tight embrace. Perona sniveled and giggled. She gave a warm loving smile to Hancock.

- "Thank you Perona. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

She kept on repeating it and Perona held her warmly as she felt warm tears fall on her shoulder.

When both of them had calmed down Perona had them run back to the car. It felt stupid considering they were at a grave yard, but had they not just done some awkward things earlier, so it didn't matter. Life felt worth while living and she was looking forward seeing the little sister or brother of her husband's.

----

Dragon, Mihawk, Ace and Zoro were on the front yard waiting for them. Zoro slept on Mihawks arms and Ace and Dragon were throwing a ball together. They stopped what they were doing when Perona drove to the yard. Hancock quickly rushed out. She glomped Dragon and pressed several kisses on his mouth and face and chin. He was smiling warmly at her and she clung to his neck while he held her by the waist. Ace had covered his eyes and was retching. Mihawk was looking at the pair happily. He was glad that finally Hancock had gotten what she had wanted so bad, someone who loved her for who she was and with all his heart.

- "I love you Dragon. You're my best friend and there's no one else I would rather spend the rest of my life with." - "I see everything went well then?" - "More than well. I'm so thankful to Perona." - "I am too."

They looked at her with gratitude.

- "You guys. Stop. This is embarrassing."

Perona was blushing deep red and held her cheeks. Mihawk chuckled and Zoro woke up yawning. He saw his mother and stretched his hands towards her smiling sleepily. She took him from Mihawk who then looked at Ace.

- "Since Zoro has had his nap I think he'll be up pretty late. Would you like to be here for the night, Ace?" - "Can I?" Ace's eyes beamed. He had never night visited anyone. Hancock always says he's too small, but right now she and Dragon smiled at him and nodded approvingly.

After giving him hugs and kisses Dragon and Hancock left while giggling like two teenagers off to no good. The others went back inside and as Perona played with Zoro and Ace, Mihawk prepared dinner for them. After eating they gathered pillows, sheets and stools to build a fortress where they would sleep. They ate a bit of cookies and warm milk in their fortress and when it was dark enough Mihawk took the kids against his sides and started to ready a story for them. Perona shut the lights so that only a small lamp illuminated the inside of their tent. She looked at them from the outside as she did not fit in. She enjoyed Mihawks deep voice and chuckled when he made some characters have funny voices. Her husband had been the same with Zoro and she remembered him fondly.

Once the children were asleep, Mihawk crawled out of the tent leaving their lamp on. He sat at the kitchen with Perona.

- "Did Dragon tell you?" She had made tea and poured Mihawk a cup. - "Not straight, but he did hint at something like they would need privacy." - "They're going to try for a baby." Perona childishly giggled and blushed at the thought of those two most likely having sex as they spoke. - "Really?" He looked surprised, but then slightly bitter. "I guess she's still the age." - "You're not that old yet either." Perona chuckled, but Mihawks face had darkened and he looked at his cup sadly. - "I don't understand why she wants to do it again," he sighed deeply. "I could never re-live that pain."

Perona understood why Hancock had not wanted him there. Of course it should have been obvious from the start, but the way Mihawk seemed to enjoy Zoros and Aces company, she never really thought he would not like more kids. She didn't even understand what had led her to think he would. Surely by now he would have if he had wanted to.

- "I'm sorry." Perona whispered. - "Hmm?" - "It was a pretty thoughtless remark." - "I probably would have earlier, there just never was the right person after Hancock."

And he quickly glanced at Perona. He did it discreetly, but she still saw him do it. A warm soft sorrowful look:

"If only it had been me that met you."

She looked away. Why did she keep on thinking like this? That these weird warm glances he gave her were some sign of romantic interest. It could be anything. Just him making eye contact during conversation, like normal people. But they felt so secretive, like he was ashamed of giving her them. She didn't know why she just didn't confront him about it. What was she scared of? That he would hate her? That she would break this friendship they have with false accusations? Was it because of those fleeting moments when he made her heart flutter? Because unknowingly she too was giving him such warm glances?

- "Did you ever- The two of you-" Mihawk started carefully, but was hesitant on how to phrase his question. "Did you two talk of having another?" - "I- We didn't. He did joke of having several, but we never seriously talked of it. We just wanted to be with Zoro..." Perona covered her mouth as she felt her throat start to burn. "I think I'm going to cry." - "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that." - "No it's alright. It's better to talk of him like this. It desensitizes." - "Hmm. It helps. Feels like it's been so long ago, but the hurt just doesn't seem to go away." - "Well, it hasn't even been a year yet." - "You're right. It's close though." Mihawk rubbed his beard and looked thoughtful. "Do you think we should have something planned for that date or near it." - "Planned?" - "Just get the family together. Close friends. Visit his grave and just have a picnic or something." - "Wait. You want to organize a family event?"

Mihawk seemed to blush slightly.

- "Is it so bad?" - "It's a great idea. Why wallow in grief when you can have it be a joyous event." She grinned, but looked away bit shyly. "You have to admit you're the last person to suggest something like this." - "Maybe you've just been a positive influence on me." He smiled and for a moment the way he looked at her felt extremely warm.

Another one of those damn glances. He was driving her crazy.

She rose up and and snuck to get herself a blanket and a pillow, so she could sleep on Mihawks chair as the sofa was a part of the fort She wanted to be near if either of the kids woke up. Just as she was by the living room door, Mihawk stopped her.

- "Good night, Perona." And he petted the top of her head.

She nodded and when he was gone, she placed her hand on the spot he had touched and smiled warmly.

#MihawkxPerona #dracule mihawk #mihawk #perona #one piece #OP #onepiece #ミホペロ #mihopero #mirona #Irreplaceable #fanfic

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chasingeast · 5 years

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Day 1: Let’s Begin- 10:55 A.M., Saturday, December 21, 2019

Dear Me,

This is your time. Use this power. This will be a place for you to recognize and record your triumphs your losses. The highs and the lows. I want you to reminisce and learn. To grow and blossom into something greater. I've thought to myself often ever since I was younger what I might truly want out of life in itself and it's still a question I'm asking myself. What I want out of it. I felt like for so long I had this Grand idea of what it might look like, how I might look like, when it would happen. And in my present and current years I've learned that it isn't anything to what I imagined. I thought I would have been married by now with my first child on the way, I thought I would have my career set in stone, I would be with someone, that so many other things would have been in place. And yet, to the surprises of life, I have certain things and still more yet to come. I always told myself that it would be when I was 28. That it was the most magical number because of an anime character I used to love named Rurouni Kenshin. He lived life, even though it was made up. It just seemed like everything was so wonderful at a time when nothing was set in stone. The world was ahead of me, I had so much life to live still. Fast forward 10+ years into the present and here we are.

I have a job which I’m still on probation for, but does it really matter? I know I do well at it. I have a gift and a nack that, though I wouldn’t go around boosting to everyone, that I am pretty damned good at it. Could there be other areas within the field that I could improve in? Yes. I’m learning from them each day and am trying to make a breakthrough. It has been a direction for me for so long. When you were younger, you were told that you had to go to school to go to college and finally pick a degree. Teaching has been a direction for me for as long as I can remember. Why? I’m not completely sure how it started, but I do know that I felt so proud of myself when I was able to work with the kids at chinese school when I was in middle school and volunteering. There was just something so special about it. Maybe it was because it was at a time when I was so shy that speaking was painful, but with the kids, the words would just pour out of me. The praise also helped from everyone around me. My peers, the teachers, and other adults recognized that within me.

I can’t say it’s always been easy. Right after college I took some time off because I wanted to go on my first overseas trip with my parents and univoice to china. I started to substitute shortly after I believe in the spring of 2013, which turned into a teacher aide position within a month until the end of the year. I was so nervous at the time to substitute. I still remember my first class which I believe was 4th grade. I didn’t know if they would listen to me and especially the rumored 8th grade class, which turned out great. Through many recommendations and praise from others, I ended up starting my job as a first grade teacher there, which I taught for two years. It was a difficult time. I felt like I was on top of the world, but struggled so much. When I look back now, I’m horrified at the type of teacher I was. I was not nice or kind, and struggled because I didn’t know what to do. I was just a child at the time at the age of 22 with a class of 21 students that I did not know how to manage. I can say that after 2 full years, many substituting opportunities, to another teacher aide position, to 3 maternity leave positions, I finally have put in my time with 2 full tenure tracked years, with currently my 3rd that I’m working on at the moment. I put in a great deal of effort and I know that effort does not always result with the best product, but I am getting smarter each day and am trying my best with things. I want to learn from each trial and hope that each day will bring me a new adventure and excitement to keep me going. I don’t know how my future will look nor what I will be doing in years to come, but I know at least right now this is where I am meant to be.

I have friends and family that I value and treasure. Now I can’t say that it’s been easy in the slightest either. My friends are so independent and lost in their own worlds, I feel like if I didn’t bring us together, then we never would be. I am not going around telling my tales of glory of how I am the glue for my friends, but I’m also not humble enough to hide it either. I love my old friends from college who though we’ve continued to go our own ways still find time for each other at least every now and again. My new friend whom I love dearly and is my support system at school. My new colleagues who I’m getting along with, although not quite close friends, but maybe one day. My old friend, who I love dearly and is my heart and soul understands me like no one else. E, who is also a dear friend, and sly and curt, but filled with love stories and fantasies. My univoice group whom I love and friends from all over who I adore. I love them for sticking through and being there for me. For my friends who do silly things with me and dress up as pizzas and run for a video montage. Who will have parties with me and help me clean. Who will be there for me in time of need and after every break up that I think they’re annoyed with me. Do I wish that some of them could be a little crazier and be more courageous, yes. I don’t mind though. I like spending time with them on occasion and I also enjoy doing my own things and being myself and my own person.

My family has been a whirlwind. There have been so many things that have happened in the past. Between ugliness and angst built against my family. The greed I learned about when I was younger about my dad’s side and selfishness that tore away at all my ideas of family values. The new selfishness that I continue to learn about my mom’s side when it comes to choices and greed that comes out of entitlement. I struggled with that for years now. It tore at me and broke me down in many ways that I do believe have helped me and forced me to see myself for who I am and who I want to be so that I can avoid being like them at all costs. My parents who are in constant peril and arguments because of poor communication and lack of duty towards one another. The white elephant in the room which will determine whether they hold together or separate due to divorce. My brother who I miss dearly and has run away yet again to find happiness elsewhere. I am happy for him, yet envious because I feel leashed to where I am with duties as a responsible daughter to the family.

I have my passions which I am thankful to have found others to share them with. I can’t say that I’ve necessarily grown in this department because I am still very much a homebody.

I love creating things. It brings me joy to make something. Knowing that I’m able to figure it out and see it through with an end result. My recent project was a body scrub which I gave to my coworkers as a present. It was a green tea peppermint scrub. Smells great, but is still in trial phase! Hopefully it works well!

I love to cook or bake or anything with food. I took E out to make handmade pasta. Though I can’t remember the name of the rolled pasta, it was delicious, as was the sauce! I’m hoping to make more in the future.

I love arts and crafts. It’s something that I’ve pushed to the backside for a long time. Probably because it consumed so much of my time. It was always so tedious. I loved every drawing and painting I created. I have a drive to do more. I like the metal art that I’ve started, as well as the wooden box. There’s still the miniature dollhouse I need to start. I’ve painted motivational rocks. I bought canvases to start painting winter scenes (my favorite).

I like to learn new things whether it be my hobby or someone else’s hobby. I just want to take it all in. The only new thing that I’ve done so far was to go to a board game convention with yahan and her friends. They’re crazy, but you can see the friendship and the love they have for each other. I love board games now. It’s not just a little part, it’s huge! Well, it certainly depends on having friends, but when you do it’s great! In years past I’ve been to popup events and lantern festivals. I would like to do more of that.

I love to be outdoors. It’s been a huge part of me for years now ever since I graduated college, so exactly 7 years ago. I needed a passion at the time and somehow it stumbled upon me while spending time with friends. We started slowly with hikes which turned into backpacking and camping. I can’t say that I’ve done as much as when I was younger but I do love each and every bit of it. I wish there was more I could do. I love looking at all the travel bloggers websites but something that I’ve come to realize most recently is that it’s just a fantasy. I might have the bravery to tackle certain activities but in all honesty, I don’t know that I’d even want to nowadays. In no way shape or form have I lost my love for the outdoors and hiking, but rather my goals have shifted. It’s still something that brings me joy. It is still something that challenges me. I needed this challenge to push myself. At the time, long ago when he and I broke up I needed something to distract me. This was the only thing that I had. I needed it to survive. Now, it’s nice when I can go but maybe not an end all.

I have my hopes and dreams. There are many things that I wish to accomplish. There are bigger things out there for me that I would like to do.

I would like to improve my mental wellness. I feel like I focus so much energy on negativity sometimes that it becomes all consuming. I need to learn to listen, understand it’s meaning, but let it go.

I would like to focus on my weaknesses. I want to develop a stronger backbone and really put my foot down when needed. I don’t want to let others push me around. I also don’t want to follow others and allow things to be just because I feel like there’s no other choice or because I just feel that I need them and would do anything for them.

I would really like to break out of my comfort zone. I’d like to say I got a head start on that goal with Yahan and her friends. I wish I could have spoken more and opened up rather than seeming like a lost puppy, but it was the first time for me so I can’t expect much at the moment. I want to get to know more people and learn from them. I want to broaden my horizons and see the world through other people’s eyes so that one day I too can experience it with my own version.

I want to be braver and take chances. I want to love myself fully and see myself for who I really am. I want to constantly grow. That doesn’t necessarily mean I have to be different all the time, but if there is something I don’t like then I don’t want to linger and let it stay around to fester. I want to develop and become the best version of myself for myself.

I want to stop falling for the first person I interact with. There is something to be said about developing and having a connection with someone. There is also something to be said about not misinterpreting someone who is simply being kind and well mannered with a person who is flirting with you. They can still be nice to you but not actually like you in that way. I’m thankful that so and so never responded to my message. He sent me pictures that he snapped of me, which I thought was creepy considering it was only our 2nd time seeing each other (I’m also pretty sure there were more photos) but I’m glad he never responded. I was in a weak position and desperate for attention. It stung a little at first but I got over it like anything else fairly quick. It wasn’t meant to be and though it was a rude awakening, it was one of the most important ones. I’m sure that there will be someone out there who compliments me and will appreciate me for who I am. In order to find that person though, it’s going to require all the right ingredients of which I may not have in order at the moment but it’s okay.

I want to see if I can discover what in this world will make my heart beat. To make my heart race each and every day and make me feel the need to put my best foot forward each day. I want to know all of it and more. I want to know if there is more to life than just mulling around each day going to work, going home, sleeping, and repeating. I want to know what the highs and lows are. The small and simple joys that make everything worth it.

I won’t deny that I am going to start writing more often to myself out of inspiration from He. I’ve always looked up to him. Rolled my eyes plenty at him, but never-the-less, he has always been someone so special and irreplaceable to me. Love has been such a difficult thing for me. I feel like there just isn’t anything for me. I wonder half the time if the way I am , the situation I’ve gotten myself into is simply because of the expectations I’ve held or because of the longing I have that they could all replicate an irreplaceable person. I’m not necessarily saying that I won’t date anyone just because I’m writing. I am instead saying that I’m hoping by writing, I will be able to capture all of my memories and save them for myself so that I don’t ever forget them. I want to use any means possible to solidify my thoughts. I often found using all my senses helped me best. I was never perfect, worst at best, but I’m still trying.

I want to learn from myself and grow into a better person. I want to document my successes and failures so that hopefully one day I can prevent the same ones from happening. I want to find peace from within and I know that’s only possible if I let go of my grudges and my high standards. That doesn’t mean I can’t have one, but I need to learn to love a person and not the ideal traits that I want from them. It’s still nice if it can work hand in hand though. I want to start a family with someone who I trust and will bring me the same amount of joy that I bring them on a daily basis. I want to be someone who I will be proud of and can tell stories about to my students and my children and grandchildren. I want to be someone that others will look up to and turn to when in need, not because I need to be a savior, but because I want to be a leader to guide others and myself.

I’ve written for many years letters to those I can’t speak to anymore. My heart is still hurt from S who I gave every ounce of my effort towards and love towards to try and reconcile to see if maybe I would be worth it to someone. I think he could have been worth it, but in the time and place we are currently in, I don’t see it. I also don’t want a man who won’t act like a man or a protector. At the end of the day, I want someone who will watch my back, like I know how I’d throw myself to defend them from harm's way.

There’s something to be said about wanting to be with someone and being okay on your own. I think you need to love yourself first in order to love someone else. I do love myself, but there are parts of me that I am unsure of. I don’t need to know the answer to everything. I don’t have to stay firm in all my decisions because they can change. I just know that I need to make things change myself first. I want to in order to give myself and someone else the best chance. I like being alone and doing my own things. I just also want someone I can share adventures, hopes, and dreams with. It’s something that I crave. I mean I also miss sex too, but who doesn’t. Hopefully somewhere out there it will happen. In the meantime, I want to document all the feats and triumphs and silliness of everyday life so that when I one day meet someone and we see eye to eye that I have plenty of stories to tell them of how I got to where I am.

Love Always,

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deadcactuswalking · 6 years

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WHERE THE LOVE GO? - THE TOP FIFTEEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2018

The popular music in America of 2018 was somehow both chaotic and dreary and monotonous as hell at the same time. Constant album bombs and additional rule changes to the charts made the Hot 100 increasingly irrelevant – as if it wasn’t already, and to be honest, I didn’t hate as much of it as I thought I would – in fact, I have since learned to appreciate what little upbeat pop gems we had this year instead of observing it as just a dark, moody year full of mindless egotistical trap-rap... which it definitely was, for the record, I mean, there’s a reason I talk about the UK Top 40 more because the US’ charts seemed a tad painful to keep up with, just going off of exhausted recounts I’ve seen on YouTube and Twitter this whole year. Am I going to preface this with anything more interesting? No, because frankly I don’t think 2018 really deserves it. Let’s just talk about some ground rules.

-I am using the predicted year-end top 125 posted in the Pulse Music forum by MikesMusicReviews to determine what a “hit song of 2018” is. Songs that made it into the top 10 during the charting year (December 2017 to November 2018) count as well.

-This is the best list, and it’s what was posted second. The worst list is out right now if you want to read that, and the list that will count down my picks for the top 5 best and top 5 worst United Kingdom-exclusive hit songs will be out somewhere in the first quarter of the year, I imagine, but don’t expect it too soon.

-If this comes out on the day an episode was supposed to be released, REVIEWING THE CHARTS will be postponed, obviously.

-Finally, this is simply my opinion and I don’t consider myself highly as a music critic. This is just a silly little hobby of mine, and this list’ll probably actually be shorter and more reasonable than the worst list. Nevertheless, we’re counting down...

THE TOP 15 BEST HIT SONGS OF 2018

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

In a rough order of popularity, but no other particular order...

“Psycho” – Post Malone featuring Ty Dolla $ign and “Better Now” – Post Malone

Actual Year-End Hot 100 Placements: #6 and #13 – Peaks: #1 and #3

Yeah, what can I say? As much as I don’t really think Post can handle an album by himself at all, and I still stand by how beerbongs & bentleys sucked, these songs are pretty fantastic, if only for how catchy those hooks are. Seriously, him and Louis Bell can write a damn good chorus.

“Nice for What” – Drake – Year-End: #11 – Peak: #1

This soured on me quite a lot since I first talked about it, but I’m still impressed by how he got a song with a Fabo reference to hit #1 five separate times.

“MotorSport” – Migos, Cardi B and Nicki Minaj – Year-End: #34 – Peak: #6

Migos are too boring for this to really stand out as anything more than wasted potential.

“Back to You” – Selena Gomez – Year-End: #41 – Peak: #18

Nothing about this song remotely works and I love it.

“One Kiss” – Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa – Year-End: #68 – Peak: #26

This was the biggest song of the year in the UK, and while it really grew on me, it didn’t really survive too well to overplay, as I got into more house, I realised that this really wasn’t as unique as I thought it was. “Promises” with Sam Smith sucked though, so I’m glad “One Kiss” was the Calvin Harris single that actually succeeded.

“Happier” – Marshmello and Bastille – Year-End: #80 – Peak: #3

This song is awesome. Do I know why? Absolutely no clue.

“X” – Nicky Jam and J Balvin – Year-End: #90 – Peak: #41

Depending on how I feel, this song is either fantastic, or unlistenable, and sometimes both.

“Call Out My Name” – The Weeknd – Year-End: #78 – Peak: #4

Honestly, I think I just got sick of the Weeknd’s existence in the middle of this year, but this stop still holds up for the most part.

“JAPAN” – Famous Dex – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #28

Famous Dex’s ad-libs are heavenly, but they do make this track feel a tad too cluttered... and yeah, those are all the Honourable Mentions. There aren’t many but that’s because I’ve increased the number of songs on the best list to fifteen, and that’s how it’ll be for years to come, so, let’s just get straight into the list, starting with something that has definitely grown on me.

#15

In Summer of 2018, I said this on my “Best and Worst of 1994” list.

That’s why I hate “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran so much – it lacks what I want from any good pop song, a real hook that reels you in, not because it’s catchy and not because it’s unique, hell, I’m not talking about the musical hook here, just a moment in a song that forces you to pay attention and even if you don’t like it, you will understand why it’s so popular because it demands you to be attracted to it. – me, a few months ago

Yeah, well, um...

#15 – “Perfect” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by Ed Sheeran and Will Hicks – from the album Divide – Year-End: #2 – Peak: #1

It’s grown on me immensely, to say the least, and honestly I think that’s not only because of how there was so much less overplay and I heard it a couple fewer times per day in the latter half of the year, but how I realised this song doesn’t need that moment, and never needed that hook to begin with.

Well, I found a girl, so beautiful and sweet / I never knew you were the someone waiting for me

See, the fact that this song is generic and simplistic is the point, I guess, because it’s much like the artist himself – gingerly. It’s shy and cute in a way that only Ed Sheeran could pull off believably because he’s built his career off of being the everyman (who has since burst into fame, but in his album canon, that never really happened), and this is the climax of it. This is the everyman settling down and planning his life, and almost abandoning the events that are reminisced on in “Castle on the Hill” (which, yes, it’s still a better song than “Perfect”). The production isn’t anything special really either but it is clean and almost like a sweet sweep of cloudy nothingness with a slick acoustic guitar as all of Ed’s songs have, coated in some pretty elegant strings, it’s like the normal, somewhat rough-around-the-edges British dude has just been overwhelmed by the “orchestra” of this love he found with this woman. It’s cute and simple, and in that way it’s as effective as a song with an immense amount of hooks and catchy, interesting blips that can be pointed out and analysed.

#15 – “Wait” – Maroon 5

Produced by John Ryan – from the album Red Pill Blues – Year-End: #58 – Peak: #24

Yeah, this isn’t really a tie either, I just want to talk about as many songs in such little time – because this is a rushed list? Perhaps, but also because best lists are boring as hell, and I want some urgency... speaking of, “Wait!”. This song isn’t a chaotic emergency from the get-go, it’s just a polished and filtered guitar with some transcendent multi-tracked “Oh!” ad-libs, that later become part of the beat. Some may say Adam Levine sounds plastic and manufactured here, but I think he just sounds sick of it all and bored in the best way. He makes dirty looks from his wife’s mother seem like Vietnam flashbacks because he’s so unimpressed or unfazed by everything, it’s kind of hilarious. Oh, yeah, and then the beat drop, which happens way too quickly – and that’s the art of it. The beat drop happening 20 seconds into the song and never really having another effective drop throughout, especially with Levine’s rapid, nasal and sometimes almost triplet-flow falsetto over it, is just a demonstration of how panicked Levine is, and with the alerted trap skitter and the sheer lack of length or development to the track, you feel pain in overly polished material, and yeah, that’s why I still defend Maroon 5, because they still know how to express emotion, despite how their music is no longer close to the quality of stuff like “Sunday Morning”. That bridge where it all builds up into an insane synth that immediately disappears is like an anxious thought creeping up on Levine then just popping out of existence, and the abrupt end to the song is just a book end to this story we’ve been following, where Levine is like a desperate dog using puppy eyes.

Wait, can you turn around? Can you turn around? / Just wait, can we work this out? Can we work this out?

It shows Adam Levine at his purest core – a pathetic shell of a man... with a bunch of tattoos and a Twitter account that mutes the word “SpongeBob”.

#14

Oh, hey, speaking of the Super Bowl fiasco...

#14 – “STARGAZING” – Travis Scott

Produced by Sonny Digital, B Wheezy, Bkorn and 30 Roc – from the album ASTROWORLD – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #8

You know how good this song is? When you go on the Wikipedia page for ASTROWORLD, you can play a small snippet from this song. That means nothing but don’t let distract you because this song is fantastic. It starts with a really eerie synth and creepy guitar before the reverb-drowned snares hit in the intense bass drop. Travis Scott croons about how the psychedelics have “got [him] going crazy”, and I believe it, I mean, this song is trippy, with the spliced vocal samples and the drum fill (as well as the cut) in the beat that sounds kind of like a mistake, just furthering that off-kilter vibe. I love the post-hook as well where he goes into that brilliantly awful falsetto. I don’t think this is mumble-rap at all, but the fact that most of the post-hook is unintelligible makes this song perfect because he isn’t paying attention to you, he isn’t paying attention to the mic, he’s paying attention to the “stars”... and then he realises.

The beat cuts, losing its drums to a reverb echo and then the vocals, with only the eerie guitar and synth it started with, until an elephant-like siren pops up and one brief female vocal snippet, with a ghostly laughter popping up right before the rollercoaster sound effects and it crashes. This is the musical equivalent to Travis Scott getting his priorities straight and realising what his fans want after the bland trap of his last two records, and that beat switch is the best on the album, “SICKO MODE” included.

Oh, yeah, and this new beat? It’s so good, it just has this sweeping feel with Travis’ faster flow (including the echoes) making it feel so fun despite how it sounds like the beat has a splinter in it, if that makes sense. Travis’ bars are funny and almost anthemic, especially this one:

This right here is astronomical / I see you picked up all my ways, I feel responsible / They trying to say that all my problems is improbable / They keep itching at my spit, it’s diabolical, you feel me?

There is no better way to triumphantly start your album, which is already a greatly misleading, scattered and fun, all-over-the-place record, with a fitting ride through Travis’ mindset while producing it. Yeah, it’s astronomical. Next.

#13

I haven’t watched or read any best lists but I think everyone’s gone deep into this song so I’ll keep this brief (like I will for all best list entries if I go by my current formula of a bunch more songs with more urgency and more jokes, hyperbole and a generally fast-paced flow to the list, to make it not feel like a slog). This is “Finesse” by Bruno Mars, which is a great song in its own right, being improved by a pretty obscure female rap artist, I don’t know, you might have heard of her?

#13 – “Finesse” (Remix) – Bruno Mars featuring Cardi B

Produced by Shampoo Press & Curl and the Stereotypes – from the album 24K Magic – Year-End: #14 – Peak: #3

From those first few drum hits and vocal samples that start it off, you know what’s coming.

Drop-top Porsche, Rollie on my wrist / Diamonds up and down my chain (Haha!)

The ad-libs and backing vocals add so much to her verse because they add so much excitement and energy that feels like a crowd following on with Cardi and Bruno, who takes a smoother approach to the sugary slice of 90s throwback new jack swing, especially in the chorus where Bruno isn’t really audible, you just hear the guys behind him reciting his vocals, almost as if they’re hypnotised into this groove, which, honestly, I don’t blame them for. Every melody in this song is gorgeous, mostly because it’s a complete rip-off of 90s R&B but it’s such a good one, that still feels modern, even with the talkbox-like synths, there’s still that polished, clean percussion you hear from modern R&B and Cardi B to mix things up, including a Lil Jon reference. Yeah, even in 90s throwbacks, they want to flash straight to the next decade. Cardi makes me believe Lil Jon was as big in the early-to-mid 90s though, because her boisterous personality is just all over this song, especially the bridge, where she’s drowned out by the instrumental but her charisma drips through anyway, she’s that powerful of a presence. Yeah, Cardi saves this from being forgettable, but it’d still be here if it didn’t have her at all, Bruno brings a lot of that vocal ability we know him for, and it’s very reminiscent of “Treasure”, another of his songs I absolutely loved. Man, I hope this guy sticks to the 90s throwbacks for a while. He’s done several 70s and 80s songs, hell, a whole album of them, so I hope he doesn’t entirely skip this decade when working through the R&B of each era to add to his discography.

I drink ‘till I’m drunk, smoke ‘till I’m high / Castle in the hills, wake up in the sky / You can’t tell me I ain’t fly – Bruno Mars on Gucci Mane’s “Wake Up in the Sky” featuring Kodak Black

Oh, he’s just gone straight to 2010s trap featuring... Kodak Black? Alright, yeah, nevermind, just restart your career entirely, we’ve gone too far.

#12

“Woo”. It’s such a simple, primal exclamation of excitement. It’s so commonplace, especially in rap, because anyone can pull off a “woo”, and it can be in so many varieties. Just going to pull off one little “woo” that you can barely hear? Cool. You’re going to croon “Woo” in the background autotuned to hell and back while Drake’s talking about taking half a Xan? Sure, Travis. You’re going to repeat it ad nauseum to build up hype for a verse like in “Bad and Boujee”? Sure, Offset, you do that. Offset, how about you say “woo” all the time? Like Pusha T, he does that, he says “woo”, although nowadays he prefers “YEUGH”. God, I hope rap ad-libs continue to be a thing, they’re awesome.

#12 – “Ric Flair Drip” – Offset and Metro Boomin

Produced by Metro Boomin and Bijan Amir – from the album Without Warning - #38 – Peak: #13

I have no idea why I love this song so much. Do I like Offset? Yeah, he’s the best Migo. Do I like Metro Boomin? Yeah, I liked this album he released this year, he has iconic producer tags and is the most creative trap producer out there right now. It only makes sense, right, but this is both Offset and Boomin at their most clean, simple and “okay”... except the whole song’s about paying respect to wrestler Ric Flair for popularising the use of the word “woo”. Offset describes his lifestyle as he always does, but he then says, “Ric Flair drip”, so casually, because it should be something that rolls off the tongue, not anything that should be made a big deal.

Soon as we came in the game, all of these n****s, they imitate

Yes, you see, this is an apology from Offset to Ric Flair about jacking the “woo” ad-lib. Sure... I mean, all of that is headcanon, but that hook is insanely catchy, that beat has a classy piano melody that is way better than it has any right to be. Offset’s verses have enough flow switches and fast yet chilled, relaxed delivery to feel like a traditional Migos song... but there’s something about this one specifically. I think it’s how the focus of the song, despite relying on the typical subject matter otherwise, being “woo”, like, the use of the word “woo”, it’s so funny to me, and justifies Offset’s second verse, which is intense, dramatic and slides into the chorus like Offset’s jetski, perfectly, especially when it’s just him, the strings and the 808s. It’s melodramatic, for no reason, with Offset’s rapid flow emphasising the lyrics... which still roll around to being about how when Offset is dripping in jewellery, he thinks about Ric Flair and, paraphrasing, “goes woo on a bih”... I’m glad you and Cardi are back together, I guess, you delightful... homophobe... okay, maybe I don’t like Offset but this is a cool song.

#11

This next song is the most fun, enthusiastic and party-ready scream for help I’ve ever heard.

#11 – “Uproar” – Lil Wayne featuring Swizz Beatz

Produced by Swizz Beatz and Avenue – from the album Tha Carter V – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #7

Keep in mind that this is a beat Lil Wayne has said on record, he does not like, at all... and he kills it. You see, this is a reworking of the G. Dep song “Special Delivery” with Diddy, and Wayne has freestyled over it before on one of his mixtapes, before cutting his verse to say that he doesn’t like it, and passed J. Cole the beat, I believe... you wouldn’t believe me, though, because there’s crowd cheering implemented the beat and pretty much the first half a minute is dedicated to Swizz Beatz hyping everyone up, including another reference to an ad-lib (specifically, Lil Wayne’s lighter flick and bong hit).

If you ain’t got a lighter, what the f*** you smoking for? / We hot, ha!

Seriously, rap ad-libs got meta this year. Anyways, about this being a cry for help, despite how upbeat and fun the party-perfect beat is, the guitar line is actually somewhat menacing and the dark bass largely nullifies all presence of human emotion and excitement, and what do you think Lil Wayne raps about? Well, I’m not entirely sure.

What the f*** though? (DAMN!) Where the love go? (OH) / Five, four, three, two, I let one go (LET’S GO)

He talks about killing someone, but goes into really oddly specific detail (like his other song on the list), but here he specifies the “love going”. So it’s like, he knows he’s betraying this person he clearly cares for but his gangsta rap mentality inspired by 2Pac has hardened him to the point where he doesn’t care. The flow is catchy here, and Wayne sounds hungry, which is fitting for the subject matter.

Money over b****es, and above hoes (THAT’S WAYNE) / That is still my favourite love quote (C5) / Put the gun inside, what the f*** for? (OH) / I sleep with the gun, and she don’t snore (AHHHHHHHHHH)

This is Lil Wayne’s middle-age existential crisis narrated by hilarious yelling from Swizz Beatz adding punch to everything he says, and it’s fitting for a retrospective album such as Tha Carter V.

This the jungle, so have the utmost, for the nutzos and we nuts, so—(IGH!)

I really love this line, because it portrays how much of a chaotic growing up Wayne has had as a jungle, which he went into detail about during his Billboard interview, but he’s just come to accept himself as “nuts”, and he knows that’s unhealthy, but he’s at a point in his life where he just has to come to that as the only solution.

Listenin’ to Bono, you listenin’ to Donald (GODDAMN HE SAY WHAT?!)

Yeah, hit those far-right weirdos with this diss about you being superior to them because you listen to... U2, I guess? Nah, I prefer when I thought he said this:

Listenin’ to Bono, you listen to Don O.

Like Donny Osbourne? Now that’s a diss track line true music nerds would come up with.

I see the shovel, but where did bruh go? (TALK TO ‘EM WEEZY) Hmm, to the unknown (OH!) / Only way he coming back is through his unborns

He calls him “bruh” because he’s so familiar and close to the person he’s murdering, to the point that he knows that he has unborn children? This is either me thinking way too much into these lyrics or genius and grim storytelling from Wayne, and I’d like to think it’s both, and it’s also a hilarious experience if this is an existential crisis, simply because of Swizz Beatz’ existence on the beat.

TALK TO ‘EM WEEZY

#10

So as I’m writing this, Harverd Dropout by Lil Pump, his debut album, has yet to come out, but I’m thinking it’s probably going to suck (Edit: It did) because Lil Pump has made himself bland and uninteresting, or at least the labels have sucked all the ignorant raw energy out of him, because they don’t know why he was so cool in the first place. He was pure energy in the most sarcastic, SoundCloud way possible, without making awful folk albums like X, being boring like his friend Smokepurpp or the Migos, or being a pedophile like 6ix9ine. He was the least problematic of the wave, but he had more charisma and personality than those guys combined, mostly because his one-line hooks were insanely catchy, his beats banged (especially the ones with distorted, crazy basslines), and he had the wit he needed to stand out, with particularly funny lines and running gags always included in his two minutes or less tracks. Now why do I say this? Because I feel bad for Pump, he’s been ripped of its unique characteristics and is now just nothing but a faceless (albeit face-tatted) body for Quavo and executives to paint lyrics onto so they can be regurgitated onto “catchy” trap beats... and this is why I miss songs like this so much.

#10 – “Gucci Gang” – Lil Pump

Produced by Bighead and Gnealz – from the album Lil Pump – Year-End: #44 – Peak: #3

This song isn’t really anything special on the surface, because it’s just Lil Pump spitting a hook and singular verse over a great beat from Bighead and Gnealz, with eerie piano countermelodies being immediately blasted with a hilariously heavy bassline, but that beat, regardless of how strong it is on its own, would be nothing without Pump, and he has no filter in this song, especially since he just calls out a popular brand of airlines by name, even though it was clearly his own fault when he was recklessly misbehaving on a plane because of drug influence... yeah, it doesn’t seem like I actually enjoy the song because of this ramble but that’s the best part of the song, his lyrics, especially when the beat cuts out for Pump to just spout his... “lyrical genius” onto pure silence, with an amount of dopey confidence that makes his family drug operations with his grandmother seem profound.

They kicked me out the plane off a Percocet / Now Lil Pump flyin’ private jet (yuh) / Everybody scream, “F*** WestJet!” (F*** ‘em!) / Lil Pump still sell that meth (yuh)

And he ends off the song with the words that started it all.

Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang

...As the audience realise, Lil Pump has learned nothing and none of the last two minutes and four seconds were of any substance, and wasted your time. That is the genius of “Gucci Gang” – it catches your attention for only two minutes but it feels like more and it feels like something better, something special and most importantly, something mesmerising, for those 124 seconds, then crushes all of your expectations by ending with a cheap fade out. Esketit, indeed.

Other than #2, I feel like this is the hardest one to explain, but I’ll try and get through it. See, Taylor Swift is a very talented songwriter, but her best ever decision was to link up with Jack Antonoff, as the music she’s produced with him has been her most intriguing yet, and I think she could potentially make an amazing album if they really perfected their pop song formula. Swift did take a turn though, a darker one, that involved both a #1 hit and her worst year on the charts yet, as it’s hard to even think that Taylor Swift had a sleeper hit this year. She seems to be doing okay with the tour and all, but I do feel bad for how a lot of people turned on her when she really should be excluded from this narrative... and she would be if she stopped talking about it and making an entire album about her “tainted reputation” that wouldn’t really exist if she didn’t pipe up about it—

#9 – “Delicate” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Max Martin and Shellback – from the album reputation – Year-End: #24 – Peak: #12

This song wasn’t even written by Jack Antonoff, but a lot of reputation was, and even in the non-Antonoff songs you can tell that his influence rubbed off on Taylor, with the beautiful vocoder effect put onto Taylor’s vocals in the intro and the spacey 80s-influenced production, especially with the vibrant synths in the pre-chorus that work as an excellent build-up to a drop that never happens, because Taylor’s still curious about it being soon. I don’t know what the lyrics are about, and I don’t care, because they’re catchy and even kind of odd and janky, so you can tell Taylor wrote some of them. Yeah, the songwriting and storytelling is subtle but all over the place at the same time, I think it’s mostly nonsensical, none of the Genius explanations really make much sense to me – but that’s fine, because it doesn’t attempt to really be all that serious. When it sounds like it, it’s immediately contrasted with the fun, melodramatic 80s synths, the absolutely beautiful bridge and the pitch-shifted vocals. From what I can gather, it’s written like it’s her talking to a guy, but it’s actually her reputation? Eh, who cares? This song is a fun slice of traditional pop in a year that had literally none, and like I said, it’s hard to explain what works about this song, but I think it’s the imperfect songwriting, because that’s Taylor’s main appeal to me. Even in her poppier, more “sell-out” efforts, you can tell that it’s home grown and not entirely polished. The production and songwriting does feel “delicate” in that regard... Huh.

Oh, yeah, speaking of people being delicate... and Taylor Swift...

#8 – “Yikes” – Kanye West

Produced by Kanye West – from the album ye – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #8

Now this song is a joke. I thought it was a legitimate expression of his struggles with bipolar disorder, but he said that he doesn’t have it, and then he said he needs meds for it? I’m not entirely sure about his status but as a fan, as long as the music’s good and he’s mentally okay, that’s all I’m worried about. Now about this song being a joke, well, yeah, it’s a joke at Kanye’s expense.

S*** could get menacing, frightening, find help / Sometimes I scare myself, myself

When he’s off the medication, when he’s crazy, when he doesn’t know what he’s going to do next, he panics, understandably, but instead of making a dramatic fuss about it, he makes a fun trap-influenced banger with several jokes pulling fun at potentially “problematic” or sensitive topics, but it’s his best material in a while, running off with Juvenile’s “Ha” flow, in the first verse, talking about how he’s scared of getting #MeToo’d (surprisingly he’s avoided that), how he made TMZ watchable by turning it into “Smack DVD, hanh” and how he got resurrected by drugs after he thinks he’s run creatively dry, which is something he’s mentioned on Twitter afterwards.

Yeezy, Yeezy trollin’ OD, hanh

I like this line as it demonstrates how there’s a thin line between Kanye “trolling” and joking around, and legitimately being dependent on hard drugs or medication to the point where he could inevitably overdose, and covering that up with humour, which is what he’s been doing his whole career: playing the underdog whilst covering all his insecurities in bragging about, as he said himself, “money, hoes and rims again”.

The second verse is hilarious too, as he rambles about how he hates hospitals and would rather be in North Korea smoking with Wiz Khalifa (presumably in his cool pants), whilst cheating on his wife, Kim Kardashian.

Ask your homegirl right now, you had a shot at Ye? You drop everything!

I love these spoken word interludes as it’s just primal Kanye releasing pure thoughts, especially in the outro, where he brilliantly says that his bipolar disorder is just a “superpower” instead of just a mental illness, and whether this is unhealthy or a legitimate attempt at normalising mental health issues we don’t really know, you never do with Kanye, but one thing’s for sure: this song is a great example of honesty on record, and it really shines in those stand-up comedy moments throughout. Oh, and that melody is just like three seconds of a string sample from another piece of music pitched down, cut and time-stretched to sound like a vocal saying “hey”, DJ Mustard style. Now that’s genius.

I’m so. Freaking. Glad this. Song exists.

#7 – “Mine” – Bazzi

Produced by Bazzi and Rice ‘n’ Peas – from the album COSMIC – Year-End: #21 – Peak: #11

Don’t get me wrong, this song is pure aesthetic-pop, music that only exists for the “vibe” and has no substance or artistic merit, in the lyrics or the composition. This is Snapchat filter level R&B... hence why it was used as a Snapchat filter and became a meme because of it. Although that stodgy flute melody can’t be denied, and I like how the filter starts off filtered before becoming entirely honest and blunt, because this is just Bazzi expressing pure love for this girl, although his motives are disputed throughout.

Hit it from the back and drive you wild

Throughout the whole song, you know for a fact that this man just wants sex, despite how genuine he attempts to be, and that’s the appeal, it’s Instagram filter pop because he puts a filter on something that is really ugly, natural and primal: lust. That’s not only pretty funny to me but it makes all the bluntly delivered lines feel not only like lies but manipulation – like when he chuckles right after crooning “eyes”, like, yeah, you care about her eyes, sure, Bazzi, sure. And then there’s the twinkly drop, with quite literally a twinkle prior to the chorus, and a cute synth that plays throughout, as well as multi-tracked vocal harmonisations that immediately come to a stop for an 8-bit escalation sound... Yeah, I don’t know what the deal with that is either but it all adds to the song’s statement of sorts: This isn’t what I really think, and the synths in the background are emphasising the lie. It’s cutesy, but in the most scummy way.

Waste this night away with me, you’re mine

“Yeah, waste it, because that’s all it’ll be, a complete waste, because I don’t care, I just want to pamper you until you’re in bed with me.” The mini-rap verse in the second verse with those cheesy Rhodes pianos is hilarious, especially the last line about turning her into a bride. Now, that’s an innuendo I don’t want to explain.

I can’t look away, I just gotta say

Yeah, he can’t look away, but he can’t even bring himself to say that the girl is his, because she isn’t. He doesn’t want her to be either, he doesn’t care, he just wants sex and it’s evident throughout the whole experience, with all these cloudy synthesizer melodies covering a storm of lust and sex-fuelled deceit.

Eminem is a great technical rapper, and sometimes he is funny, sometimes he has a couple good flows and subject matter that makes a decent song. If this was the early 2000s, I wouldn’t need to specify technicality. I could have just said, “Eminem is a great rapper”, and I would need no other introduction to this entry on the list, but Eminem has fallen off, especially in recent years, with a couple awful records, including his biggest misstep, Revival, which, frankly, everyone hated. There’s no beating around the bush here, there is no critic who really enjoyed this album too much, so as a response, Em dropped a remix to his song “Chloraseptic” where he mocked them (and missed the point)... but that wasn’t enough.

#6 – “Lucky You” – Eminem featuring Joyner Lucas

Produced by Boi-1da, Illa da Producer, Eminem and Jahaan Sweet – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #6

See, it’s that one intense bell melody that makes this song so good, not the orchestral or piano riffs added onto it, not the brass, not the rapping, not the lyrics, but that bell loop, because that’s what makes this song so urgent and intense, and so furious. If the bell loop was any slower or pitched lower, this song wouldn’t bang nearly as much, but it’s not like Joyner and Em wouldn’t try. Like I said there’s a heavy bass and trap percussion here, and it’s great, but Joyner Lucas goes off, essentially yelling in his first chorus before the smooth transition to Joyner’s verse, where he essentially just lets everyone know he’s back on his BS, while proving all of the rappers that are charting from one hit that he’s been there for a decade and still isn’t quitting, and despite people wanting him tied down, he is the “underdog who never lost hope”, as he says himself, and is finally finding success. Not only do I love his verse’s content, other than the part where he says some homophobic slurs in Spanish for some reason, but his flow is awe-inspiring. It’s simple but charismatic, constantly switching and it’s still clear what he’s saying, even in the fast-rap section. It’s pretty cool, to say the least, especially the last line, which is just kind of hilarious:

Snakes in the grass trying to slither fast, I just bought a f***ing lawnmower (VROOM)

Then he passes the mic to Eminem, who repeats the chorus with a couple differences, notably how he doesn’t believe his Grammys were well-deserved or earned, until the bass drops and he somehow trumps Joyner so much that it’s not even funny. While I don’t necessarily agree with what he says about the new wave rap, Em doesn’t seem to, either? He says that he feels bad for all the lean these guys are doing (to the point where they have brain damage) and that he doesn’t hate trap, but no one in the game is like his old fueds with Ja Rule, Benzino and, uh, Mariah Carey, or even technically great enough to make him have the fire to snap and make great music again like his friends used to force him back in the day. He needs the desire to snap back at the criticism, but he doesn’t have it, and—wow, this is the most self-deprecating brag-rap song I’ve ever heard. Then they both finish off the song by repeating the first part of Joyner’s verse, and it’s all come full circle, but not a single moment was wasted. Oh, Eminem went quicker than “Rap God” on this one as well, that’s pretty impressive to say the least. Next.

Wow, we’re already in the top five – now, these are the five (or in this case, six) songs I have the most trouble explaining, because to be this high on the list, you have to have some form of connection with me, because it has to last the whole year and I have to still care about it enough to write about it passionately. I first heard this song in late 2017 and honestly, it’s still growing on me and could easily be my #1 by the end of this year, but that’s beside the point. How do I write about this song? How do I gather my thoughts on “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes without yelling profanities at the top of my lungs?

OH! F***! S***! B****! / YOUNG SHECK WES AND I’M GETTING REALLY RICH (CHING CHING)

Honestly, I have no idea, so just read me try and make sense of this song.

#5 – “Mo Bamba” – Sheck Wes

Produced by 16yrold and Take a Daytrip – from the album MUDBOY – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #6

“Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes is raw, and makes you think Sheck Wes is an absolute beast with no remnants of human characteristics, because he can’t really be a human if you take only his music into account. He’s either a droning robot man or a confused, furious animal that’s been caged for too long and is trying to get out, but can only yell the word “bitch” at the cage so many times. That iconic piano line is given like two seconds to play out before being interrupted by producer tags and the bass-heavy beat, with Sheck Wes just moaning about people calling his phone in the most dreary way possible (no autotune either to add artificial vibrato), with only ad-libs to hype up the droning slog of a performance, and those ad-libs absolutely help, especially those ring-rings and the iconic ad-lib you know him for, but also the panting and the maniacal laughter. I couldn’t care less about what Sheck is saying, I’m pretty sure it’s violent, but I don’t care. Then he takes a long, odd pause, just to continue like nothing happened, as the chorus continues with a slight increase in energy. Then he mentions Drake.

Call me Drake how a n**** control—

Then the beat cuts out because Take a Daytrip’s ancient computer lags, what do you do? Well, scream like a madman, of course. What else to do? You’ve freestyled the whole song, you’re on a roll, don’t let that stop you, Sheck Wes... and he really doesn’t, because he goes insane and we just have to listen with our jaws dropped for that one verse, and I can barely describe in words how that feels, that one verse is just transcendent in a weird way. It’s a release of anger and frustration that you have with the song droning on, that Sheck Wes has with the hoeeeeeeeeees caaaaaallllling, and it feels so raw and energetic, like one man against the world and he tells them to stick it in the purest way possible, by yelling profanities, threatening violence and making ching-ching sounds in the background, and it’s reasonable, because you’ve gotten through one and a half minutes of just one constant routine and this is your one big break... until it just continues like normal, until it stops abruptly so Sheck Wes can have his own mini-verse about the DOOOOOOOPE and gettin’ rich with his BROOOOOOOOOS and taking YOUR girl and she don’t even let you KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

Now this one is an actual tie, not like #15, because this one has a genuine connection that isn’t subjective or only a loose relation, but I decided to tie these because they’re both excellent and brilliant songs produced by the one and only Pharrell Williams. Let’s just forget about Sweetener, and get mad ethnic right now.

#4 – “Lemon” – N.E.R.D. and Rihanna

Produced by Pharrell Williams and Kuk Harrell – from the album NO_ONE EVER REALLY DIES – Year-End: #83 – Peak: #36

The truth will set you free, but first it’ll piss you off.

N.E.R.D. made an amazing comeback in December of 2017 with the crazy good album NO_ONE EVER REALLY DIES, although it kind of got overshadowed by releases from BROCKHAMPTON and Eminem with more longevity, which is unfortunate because it’s one of the best albums I’ve heard from this decade. I own it on CD and at any chance I get to talk about it, I will. There are three versions of this song that all technically charted, but the one with Rihanna is the prime version. There’s a solo version and a Drake remix, but honestly why would you bother when this exists?

It starts with a manic bounce-influenced hyphy beat, reminding me of the Triggerman beat that bounce producers used to use back in the day and still do in Miami scenes, but unlike “Nice for What” by Drake, which just kind of lifted the sound and didn’t develop it or do anything interesting with it, Pharrell raps on the plucky synths and 808s like he was in an intense police car chase, fitting as the song is about authority and race politics which I’m not going to get into, because I don’t care, I just want to be bouncing around, bouncin’ to the sounds of hate supplements found right in their couches... what?

Yeah, that’s an actual lyric, but he doesn’t just spout nonsense over a bounce beat, no, he switches it with a stretched 808 section, using an Instagram video from a social media comedian and a blood-curdling shriek as a transition, then turns into a trap beat for Rihanna to brag on, and by God, I think I’m in love. This is the best performance, hands down, on the Year-End list, no question. Her flow, which switches throughout, is constantly slick and her delivery is powerful, carefree and fantastic.

Woo! This beat tastes like lunch

After a freaking Star Trek reference, it goes back to Pharrell talking about bath salt as his vocals are twisted in every possible way imaginable, as he raps about pulling up in a broken car not because he doesn’t have money, but because “your eyes get acidic”. Oh, N.E.R.D., please don’t leave us for this long next time. Wait, wait a minute--

Also #4 – “Stir Fry” – Migos

Produced by Pharrell Williams – from the album Culture II – Year-End: #48 – Peak: #8

Oh, he also produced this, just to show his versatility and Goddamn, is this one a great flip of the classic Mohawks “The Champ” sample, making an almost difficult beat. Pharrell, the genius producer he is, just lifts pretty much everything possible from this song, from the off-kilter snares, bongos and cricket sound effects from the whistles in the original, for the Migos to flow over, and I love the coating of keys every few bars that harmonises with the refrain, now that is godly production, especially for a top 10 trap-rap song, which I can only barely describe it as, really. I love Quavo’s eerily droning melodies in the refrain, before the hook that leads perfectly into Offset’s amazing verse, which is really short but also has a rapid flow to it, like it’s so fun and energetic, really proving how despite competition from Quavo’s brilliant ear for melody and hooks, Takeoff’s chilled rap skills, he is the best Migo.

Oh, there’s this distortion coming in on like the third chorus which is just an ugly synth that disappears immediately when Takeoff comes in, for one of his shortest yet best verse, until he copies Quavo’s refrain in the funniest way, where Takeoff knows he can’t sing, so makes his shoddiest effort possible and it’s majestically awful, like it’s seriously such an interesting experience to have Takeoff essentially croon off-key moaning about how everyone’s watching him in your ear, it’s oddly soothing and by God, I think I’m in love again. Everything I said about “Lemon” applies here, it’s manic, insane, somehow not a cluster of random sounds despite being just that, and finishes way too quickly when it deserves and can easily take another minute or two doing its thing. Pharrell brings out the best in everyone, even two homophobic weirdos and Takeoff.

So this is the hottest take of the bunch, and I think I like this because it’s a catchy, fun pop song in a year that didn’t have many, but it’s also probably because I’m lame and like sincere songs about love as well as awfully misleading “I just want to get into her pants” songs that pretend they’re sincere songs about love, and this is just a song like that... except it’s both? And it’s not really about love at all?

#3 – “I Like Me Better” – LAUV

Produced by LAUV – from the album I met you when I was 18. (the playlist) – Year-End: #35 – Peak: #27

This song is way too robotic to be about love, it’s way too stiff and way too sad. There’s not even a real flower on the single cover art, that is a plastic replica, I tell you. I think it’s about LAUV’s caffeine addiction. See, that’s why the guitar is scratchy and you can hear every single slap and string being hit with a twang, every single mistake, it’s organic, unlike the rest of the song. The guitar and his passion for music and songwriting is the only remnant of his personality before the first time when he got morning coffee, which caused him to stay for a long time and get addicted, eventually causing himself to believe that he has to rely on caffeine to live and he’s only productive when he’s—

Falling in love for the first time and being in a four-year relationship that taught me everything about myself, the world and how to love. – LAUV about the album this song originates from

Well, nevermind. Then why is it so stodgy? Is it because this love doesn’t exist, because if anything from the interview, it seems it does. The main drop melody is actually a vocal sample manipulated which I think represents the sheer emotion he’s feeling when he’s in love, how he can’t even find the words to describe this relationship that’s almost trapped himself into a cycle of fake finger-snaps and falsettos. Is its cutesy disguise and ugly drop supposed to be his facade disappearing and him finally realising love doesn’t mean anything and he’s been manipulating himself this whole time? Honestly, I don’t know, and I’m not going to over-think it anymore. This is a dude that’s just genuinely in love, or at least was, and is longing for her to stay with them, because LAUV thinks that when he’s around his true love, his soulmate, or at least who he thinks is his soulmate at the time, he’s a better person because of them, and he also said in that interview that the album is about him finding the ability to trust himself, so I think this is his first step, finding someone he can confide into. I like that, and I think this song’s head-in-the-clouds nature and atmosphere expresses that perfectly because he’s found himself in something he can’t safely get himself out of, but he doesn’t mind. It’s cool with him.

I like me better when I’m with you

It’s a pretty nice acoustic tune with some nice, dramatic synth work and a confusing yet perfect drop, and despite me having no clue what to think about it, really, I definitely know that I love how it sounds and I’m excited to hear more of LAUV in the future...

...Man, what did I just do? I put freaking LAUV on my best list, how humiliating is that? How am I ever going to be taken seriously when I put LAUV on my list of the best songs of 2018? Hopefully I can redeem myself with my choice for #2, Rae Sremm—What?

#2 – “Powerglide” – Rae Sremmurd (Swae Lee and Slim Jxmmi) featuring Juicy J

Produced by Mally Mall, Jean-Marie Hovart and Mike WiLL Made-It – from the album SR3MM (specifically disc 1, which is also titled SR3MM) – Year-End: #97 – Peak: #28

Yeah, the credits for this one are really THAT convoluted. Anyway, this one barely made the Year-End list and barely counted for this list, but even if it didn’t, this would be on the list, maybe lower for the sake of sticking to the rules though. Anyway, this is a Memphis rap song that just straight-up takes the beat from an old Three 6 Mafia song, bass-boosts it and has Rae Sremmurd rap on it about cars and strippers. So, what’s so special about it? Everything. It immediately puts you in that pump-up mood with Swae’s fun “yeah” ad-libs over intense strings and then the producer tags lead into the bass that knocks way too hard. The hook is way catchier than it has any right to be, and it’s just a simple flow but it’s so fun and swift, especially over this classic beat, with Swae dripping charisma from both his standard high-pitched singing vocals and his autotuned falsetto mumbling. In fact, the song as a whole is so positive. The lyrics may seem just like the standard rap fare because, really, they are, but they’re all so happy, upbeat and delightful, because this song is about respecting strippers for their work... in a car which is apparently just as good as an original generation Transformer. Cool, I guess?

R.I.P. Lil Peep, I gotta slow down on them Xans (HEY!)

Yeah, rest in peace to Lil Peep, and this line from Juicy J should be a message to rappers who are more careless about their hard drug use, it will mess you up and can kill you if you get an untrustworthy dose of fentanyl, be careful, guys. Wait, wasn’t this song about cars? Anyway, back to the song being positive, here’s a quote from Swae Lee that describes how cheery this song actually is, regarding the lyric, “she finer than a motherlover”.

I had to say it in the softest way. I want to say she’s beautiful, basically. She finer than a motherf***er—that’s kind of harsh. – Swae Lee on Genius’ Verified

That’s so pure. Just listen to the hook, which is already catchy and fun, and you can see how passive yet joyful this song is.

Kush all in my lap because these hoes don’t want to roll it

He’s not going to force them to smoke if they do not want to, he’s just going to put it in his lap. How nice of you. This whole song is about doing the usual rapper schtick, getting strippers to dance for you and smoke with you in a fast luxury car whilst wearing designer clothing, but they’re so respectful about it. Slim Jxmmi brings so much charisma to the track in his verse, and even shouts out the strippers directly, and says that sex workers and strippers shouldn’t be degraded just because of their line of work.

Might just leave with me tonight, but that don’t mean she a freak hoe / F*** with dancers and models, shout out them girls who get dollars

Jxmmi even specifies that if she wants, she can dance with her friends.

Shake that a** with your bestie

How nice of you, how respectful. Honestly I’m talking about the lyrics because there’s not much to say about the performers or the beat, it doesn’t change for the most part and each performer brings a unique delivery that keeps the turnt up vibe of the song. It’s an absolute banger and one of the best of 2018.

Much cooler than the cool kids, whoa

That’s cute, Swae. That’s cute. The song ends with Swae just chanting “hey” over and over and that’s a perfect way of finishing this banger, albeit abruptly. Uh, what else do I have to say about this? Uh, Slim Jxmmi is the best out of Rae Sremmurd and while I expected Swae Lee to have the bigger solo career, I am disappointed that it wasn’t Jxmmi, because he is such a legitimately fun and hype personality that I wish got more recognition. There’s a MuchDank video that replaces words in this song with “peanut butter” and it’s hilarious. Juicy J’s a legend. R.I.P. Lil Peep. Now it’s time for the big one.

After struggles with the label pulling him down and not letting him release music, and Birdman’s constant abuse and mismanagement, Lil Wayne managed to free himself in a court case and have a resurgence in the mainstream, mostly due to the release of his best album yet, Tha Carter V. Now I’ve already talked about “Uproar”, but now for the truly genius storytelling track on the record, and probably my favourite song that either artist has ever made, lasting longer than five minutes, that somehow nearly debuted at #1 on Billboard. Screw you, Maroon 5.

#1 – “Mona Lisa” – Lil Wayne featuring Kendrick Lamar

Produced by Infamous – from the album Tha Carter V – Year-End: N/A – Peak: #2

How in the mother of God does this song not have a Wikipedia page? This track is cinematic and presents itself beautifully, especially its story, which is about Wayne observing a deceptive woman who Wayne hires in order to rob a dude after the woman succeeds in seducing him for weeks and gaining his trust, before being betrayed. Kendrick then shifts the perspective to the “boyfriend” and talks about his feelings as he’s being deceived. That is the story in a nutshell, but the track makes it feel like a blockbuster movie.

We start with a light piano melody with Kendrick riffing a little refrain briefly before that lighter flick, which feels more tense than ever, as he sums up Wayne’s role as the mafia boss who essentially just sends women to hunt these men so Wayne can have the loot while not caring about himself or the dude they’re robbing. It’s awful and dreadful, and that’s why Kendrick’s verse is so good, because it gives a bigger picture to both perspectives and doesn’t just become a pointless, one-sided track from Wayne’s autotuned, braggadocios side of the story.

I see n****s in this b****, stuntin’, poppin’ bottles / Gettin’ drunk with these b****es, and when they leave they get followed / Fall asleep with that b**** and really don’t know much about her / Then she let us in, we take all of your s*** and when you wake up, she help you try to find it / I love it

Yeah, essentially, thanks, Wayne, for making my commentary and synopsis entirely unnecessary by explaining the whole thing in the first few bars. Wayne does later go into grim detail about the situation, with some really clever lines here and there.

Watch your mouth, Milli Vanilli (Ooh)

That b**** ain’t no angel, I treat her halo like a Frisbee

Lil Wayne’s intense second verse develops the story by detailing his experience with the girl named Liz who is one of the women he hired, as he hides in the bushes outside, turns music on to distract him and follows her into the house, then turning the music down and putting a gun to his frown, as he says in the song, just to get the pure satisfaction of seeing his terrified face as he is being robbed and killed by Wayne and his gang, as he finds out that Liz has been deceiving him. It’s fantastically evil, with the spacey beat only furthering this atmosphere. I love the comparison to Mona Lisa’s ambiguous smile as well. The song seems like it would end at about three and a half minutes in, but then...

Kendrick Lamar comes in with an ad-lib, he’s that good, and impresses over an orchestral instrumentation, beeping noises, distorted multi-tracked vocals of his own lyrics and police sirens... what? He then shifts his perspective to Liz’s “boyfriend” after he’s being robbed, panicking and sniffing around Liz, completely flabbergasted by this fake story that he’s been believing for weeks, maybe months, years, on end, and it all wasn’t worth it – and it’s all executed excellently, sometimes it’s really funny too, especially in that blip where Lil Wayne’s hit “Lollipop” comes up on Liz’s ringtone, it’s great. Both brought their A-game here, and when it comes to the end of Kendrick’s verse, well...

You scandalous as f*** and I hope you blow up / You know what? I give up, let me go get my gun / I got one in the chamber, I’m plannin’ on aimin’, Goddamn it, you know that the damage is done / B****, I’m in emotional ‘cause I’m in stress / I’m not supposed to go through this, I guess / So in conclusion, since you like rappers that’s killin’ that p****, I’m killing myself

Well? Do you expect me to say anything about that? It’s pretty self-explanatory, and with Kendrick Lamar’s rapid flow, it sounds insane. This song is one of the most perplexing hits of the year, but it’s one that actually requires you to think. It tells a story. Sure, it’s dreary like the worst of the year instead of joyful like its runner-up but it’s genius songwriting, all in a pop context, for five straight minutes, all elegantly orchestrated in a cinematic tone that makes it feel worth of a film adaptation. That’s what I like in pop music, when everyone has everything sorted out and it’s perfect, or imperfect, because every single little trait about the song has been ironed out and perfected to extend the song’s quality, personality, length, story and overall massive feeling. This is the peak of 2018 pop music, and I think that’s pretty safe to say, nobody expected this from Wayne in 2018, and with the amount of trouble Wayne had to go through to even get this released, with Birdman pulling its release for years to Martin Shkreli leaking a snippet and potentially meaning it never got out to the public ever, this feels triumphant, and an essential piece of music when examining the late 2010s, a time when the American public was that insanely depressed and downbeat that they let a song about hiring women to trick men into being robbed, leading to the man killing himself because he’s been living a lie, that lasts five minutes and doesn’t even have a hook, fight with a plastic, inoffensive Maroon 5 song for the #1 spot on the most prestigious music chart worldwide, and nearly bloody make it as well. And to think I nearly gave this to freaking Rae Sremmurd. Thank you, Lil Wayne, Kendrick Lamar and Infamous, thank you for “Mona Lisa”, the best hit song of 2018, by far – and thank you for reading, see you next time.

She say, “Ooh”, no emotion, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa / Now he gets the picture, Mona Lisa, Mona Lisa, yeah...

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