#i messaged my therapist from hs and she was my first therapist and the only one I've really liked (no offense to the ones in the following

[softshouyous-archive]

shsjskssks im so happy oh my god???

[theonetheycallhannah]

The Treatment of Captain Syverson-Prologue: History

Characters: OFC (Shane Benton), OMC (Elliott Thomas)

Summary: Shane Benton is a hard-working physical therapist and a loving girlfriend…but her boyfriend has a less than desirable way of showing it.

In case you’ve fallen behind or want to read more of my drabbles!

Word Count: 1.5k

Warnings:  Language, mature themes, angst, infidelity, domestic violence (moderate). Yeah, this may be a tad rough for some readers, but I tried to be mild, and mostly implicit. It was hard still, to see my fictional offspring go through this, even if she gives as good as she gets!

Author’s Note: Oh, y’all. When I needed a break from the sweet tenderness of Chapter 8, I came here and put Shane through some hell. (You can blame one of my friends I was talking about for this angst as they’re the one who put me into angsty headspace by cheating on my other friend! It’s been weighing on me! But I guess at least I’ve been able to use it!) I really hope you enjoy a bit of backstory on our heroine! I really liked writing her ferocity.

Also, I meant to have this posted yesterday, but because of some tragedy in one of my other fandoms (and the world, in general! Rest In Power, Chadwick Boseman!) and a bit of craziness in my personal life (my HS bestie wanted to hang out this weekend, so I spent a lot of time with her…also…I’ve been talking to a real live fella! OMG! And it’s entirely too soon to say that I like him, but like…I very much do…but he’s far away and recently single and things are complicated in just, several ways, so it just can’t happen at this point. But…like, we have been talking a ton recently, and…sigh. I have found it difficult to focus on the matters at hand. But, rest assured, I’m working on Chapter Nine, and it will be up just as soon as I find my rhythm!

Disclaimer: Unbeta’d because this is for fun and escapism. (Well, this isn’t a super fun chapter, I guess!)

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@bloodyinspiredfuck

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Hope I’m not forgetting anyone! If you want to be notified when I post a new chapter or work, I’ll be happy to add you to my tag list! (Also, if you’ve asked and aren’t on the list...well...that would be because I forgot to add you and reminding me will not offend or upset me. I think I might have ADD, or something, and being reminded about things is kind of how I survive!) Stricken blogs are getting personal messages from me when a new chapter is uploaded because Tumblr’s faulty tagging system will not stand in the way of me delivering what the people want!(?) lol! (Although…their lackadaisical notification system might…sorry for that. I have no control. lol!)

X@X@X@X@X@X@X@X

5 years ago-

Shane got home from work, exhausted. The new electronic documentation system they'd just implemented was kicking her ass. And Anita's, whom she constantly had to help with it, all the while hearing Anita bellow "When can I retire?!" which lost its charm on about the third day.

"Elliott, I'm home." She didn't smell anything cooking, despite the fact that she knew he was off all day today. Whatever. She was used to him doing virtually nothing but whatever hipster bullshit he got up to on Instagram and YouTube, trying to get off the ground as an influencer with a brand…spare her. Since when did that become a job? She didn’t mind to get takeout though, if only she knew he wasn’t cooking. Maybe she should have asked. "Honey, I could have picked something up if--" she was startled by him in the doorway to the hall, in only his anime boxers, looking like he was trying to not be surprised she was home. "What?"

"Nothing, just…excited to see you! How was your day?" Elliott asked, scratching the back of his neck, displacing his mid-length, slightly moppy light brown hair, already disheveled. That was his tell. Something was up. She knew it.

"What's going on? Are you hiding something from me?"

"Why would you ask me that? Don't you trust me, baby?!" he guilted. Knowing just the buttons to push for empathy. It wasn't gonna work today. The machine was all out of that selection and full of his bullshit currency.

"Now that you mention it, no. I sure as hell don't." she walked around to enter the hall and investigate the rest of the house. "Let me through." he wouldn't budge. He had the advantage of physical size, but she was still wearing her work uniform including sneakers…he was more than half naked. She stomped hard on his instep and smacked him in the ear as he doubled over. She felt marginally bad for that in the moment…at best he'd get mild tinnitus for a while. At worst, he could have permanent hearing damage. She'd check later for blood coming out of his ear and see if she should feel worse about it then.

She rounded the corner to their bedroom. The quilt her grandma had made her was carelessly crumpled with the top sheet and blanket at the foot board. She noticed a swatch of an orangey red lipstick on her pillow. The same shade smudged onto the full mouth of the panicking strawberry blonde frantically donning clothes in front of her antique mirror, and the same shade, she was guessing, that was smeared across certain places on Elliott’s body that were now covered by those boxers that she had always hated. You know what, Elliott, she thought to herself. Fuck Bleach, and fuck you!

"I'm sure you're a lovely person who's just been lied to by a very charming and manipulative man, but…you still only have ten seconds to get to my front door before I call the cops." Shane threatened the girl, who couldn't have been more than twenty-one…and he was thirty-three.

"She's my guest." Elliott defended.

"You're not even on the lease. Your credit was too bad." she said over her shoulder while still squared off with the girl. She turned back to her. "I'm trying to be calm here, sweetie. But do not make me tell you even one more time to get out of my…fucking…house." the girl picked up her shoes and a small messenger bag from the floor near where Shane stood, keeping as wide a berth as she could, and skittered out of the room in terror.

"How many times, Elliott?"

"Don't do this, Shane."

"No, I think this is something we should do. Count the times you’ve broken my trust. Kissed another girl, fooled around with one, fucked one…I mean…I've never caught you in our bed before, so this LOOKS like a first…I sure hope it is…because I don't recall you doing any laundry since you've lived here. And if I thought you let me sleep in the same sheets that you…I can't even look at you, you son of a bitch."

"It's not what you think, Shane." he said, calmly, as if he'd simply picked up the wrong consistency of peanut butter from the store. The wrong brand of milk. Not that he ever did the shopping.

"Bullshit. Bull. Shit. Elliott. I come home and find you like this, and there's a girl in OUR bedroom, and her lipstick is all over MY pillow, and your balls, no doubt. Not gonna make you prove it, because at this point, I don't give a shit anymore. I've lost count of how many times I've forgiven you, even times you didn't care enough to ask me to. Times you probably don't even know that I know about. But it's done. You're gonna pack up all your things. And you're gonna be gone by the time I get home from work tomorrow. And don't expect me to be late…because I will not be."

"You're acting crazy. You can't do this. Where will I go, Shane?"

"That's not my concern anymore. Find an apartment that accepts Likes and subscriptions and followers as rent and cherish it. But your free ride here is done. I'm not your mom, your maid, your cook, or…anything to you anymore, Elliott."

He was getting angry now. His nostrils flared and his breaths came more quickly.

"Is this because you're fucking another guy? Hmm?" he got in her space, but she was out of the bedroom and back into the hallway. She shouted back.

"Oh, NOW you're gonna try to deflect this onto me? When in holy hell would I have time to get with anyone but you, when we don't even have sex anymore?! It's been, what, two, three months?"

"You work with guys."

"You have no idea who I am. To think that I would do something like that. No idea at all. If I don't have time at home, I certainly don't have time for sex at work, and you can ask any of my coworkers, male OR female. That place is an unsexy, unholy shit show 90% of the time. And the other ten, it's just above bearable."

"Well, I'm still not going anywhere."

"You are. Like I said. You're not on the lease. And all I have to do is call the landlord and tell him you're here without my permission and he'll have the cops here." she had gotten a glass of water…although she needed something stronger, and was standing by the sink with it. Her mouth was getting dry. She couldn't take much more of this without breaking.

"You wouldn't really do that to me though. I'm the only man who can give you what you want." he grabbed her by the arm, hard.

"Let go of me, Elliott."

"Or what." he asked for it. She got the other instep, his groin, and threw water in his face. She grabbed her purse and bolted out the door.

She got quickly on the phone with Heather her closest friend who had recently been hired on as a secretary for her clinic.

"Yello." she said, cheerful.

"Two things: can I crash at your place tonight and what kind of phone do you have?" she asked.

"Yes and a Galaxy something, I dunno, but what the fresh hell are you talking about?"

"I'll explain when I get there. I’m on my way to CVS for some essentials. Do you need anything?"

"Sounds like we need wine and ice cream!"

"Already on the list." She thanked Heather and hung up, calling her landlord.

“This’s Sam.” She heard over the receiver.

“Sam, I’m sorry to bother you, but I have a situation at the house.”

“What’s goin’ on?” He asked concerned. She’d never rented from anyone so kind. He’d become almost family. Like an uncle.

“Long story short, pest control. I’m kicking Elliott out and he has until the time I get home from work tomorrow. I told him you’d be there with the cops if he didn’t comply because he’s not on the lease. Is there any way you can help me and make that good?”

“He hurt ya, Shane?”

“Not, umm…not physically.” Although she had been rubbing the place on her arm where he’d grabbed her, certain there would be a bruise.

“That’s all I need to know. I’ve got a buddy or two on the squad here in town. I’m sure they won’t mind to help me out. You need anything?”

She held back the tears until she could hang up. “I’m staying over at a friend’s tonight and headed into CVS now for a few things I didn’t take time to grab after I kneed him in the groin and ran out.” She had just pulled into the parking lot.

“Well I’m nearby if you need anything when you’re back home.”

“Thanks. I guess just watch for smoke from the place for now. I don’t know what he might do, honestly.”

Up Next: Prologue: Onset of Injury (Sy)

[mystech-master]

F/GO High School/Modern AU BS

Me and @rex101111 have been talking about a modern/HS AU ft. as many Chaldean servants as possible. Here are the ideas we came up with (I am pretty much cut and pasting our message convo, so this is a mixture of both me and Rex's ideas):

Gil is the douchbag Senior everyone hates but his dad owns the school or whatever so he can do whatever he wants. The only decent person who willingly hangs out with him is his childhood friend Enkidu who's hoping he can un-douch his bro. He has kid Gil as his little brother and Caster Gil as his older bro who both agree that he sucks (Gil is the loser middle child of the family), Caster Gil wonders what Enkidu sees in his shit head brother. "He's too good for you." "Blow it out your ass." "One day he's going to wise up, see how much of a shit you are, and when you're all alone don't come crying to me." Caster Gil is in college studying political science, Kid Gil goes to a fancy boarding school. Archer Gil goofs off and throws parties

Scathach is a swimming class teacher, mainly b/c I recall underwater training being a part of Cu's regiment under her tutelage. People were jealous of the Cus for like two seconds when they find out the swim teacher is their mom, then they see her having them do an extra twenty laps and ignoring when OG Cu starts floating in the water. "CU DIED!" "YOU'RE NOT HUMAN!" while Scathach is like "you have two seconds to stop playing around before I ACTUALLY drown you" and he's back to doing laps.

Yeah with 4-5 Cus (if you count Setanta from Arcade) that is like 5 brothers.

Nightingale as school nurse, she is friends with Asclepius who works at a hospital associated with the school (strictly professional, but the students think otherwise).

Side note, keep in mind you can have multiple servants be the same type of teacher, just for different classes/grades.

King Hassan is the old Religious History teacher. Every one thinks he's older then the rock is the school is made out of. He has a scary face and a scarier voice but most students consider him the most fair and patient teacher in the whole school. He always gets a lot of food gifts before Ramadan form the students. (A few students, such as the Guda twins and Mash, call him gramps.) The other Hassans are his grandkids, like actual grandkids. He's super strict with them because he expects a lot from them. He always praises them when they do well though. He made sure they ALL got into his class and they've been living in fear ever since. They love their grandpa but by Allah they know not to disappoint him. The only one to ever get out of anything is kid Hassan (one of the hundred face). Cursed Arm is oldest, then Asako (the main hundred face), then Serenity.

"I am very disappointed in ALL of you, have you all lost your heads? I swear I-*to kid Hassan*-ah no Habibi not you you're fine here have a candy-*back to the rest*-I KNOW you're better than this!"

VERY traditional guy, Cursed Arm mutters "Oh for God's sake" while doing a pop quiz and King Hassan looms over him and growls, "No Blaspheming In This Class Room"

For the various Artoria/Arturias, I imagined Lancer and Lancer Alter being sisters, so Saber Alter is a cousin. That leaves everyone else to just be sisters with one brother. Mother Lartoria owns a casino and gas her own yacht in reference to the summer event where she became a Ruler. If you want MHX could be a part of the family as a massive fucking Star Wars nerd. MHXX and MHX Alter are her mom and sister (so MHXX is a third sister for the two Lancer Artorias)

For Irisviel, I remember in one of the Nero Fest things that she was called Therapist Iri. Maybe she starts to get into that b/c she wants to help her adoptive son Shirou (instead of a big fire like in Zero it can be an orphanage fire thing, similar situation but a much smaller scale) , so she is the school therapist/psychiatrist. Like Maruki in P5 Royal.

Iskandar died in his 30s, Waver is around his 30s as Lord El Melloi II. The two are old college friends who still hang out and Alexander is Iskandar’s kid.

If you guys want you can see this as the two being gay dads since I know that ship is popular.

Fran had an abusive father before Babbage and Moriarty got involved. In the og story, Frankenstien has a scientific mindset like his creator, here Fran has a talent in the field, but she also hates it b/c it reminds her of him. Like imagine being talented at the thing your abusive parent was good at/known for. Moriarty tried to get it into her that SHE'S the one with the talent, not her college dropout bum of a father, "From you tell me of him Victor couldn't engineer his way out of an argument with a cat, you have a magnificent mind my dear, not letting it flourish to spite him would be a horrible waste...it's your talent, your skill. Not his." He smiles that smile she loves that scares every one but she knows he only smiles like that when he is absolutely convinced of something, "and you can out perform him without breaking a sweat."

Moriarty teaches Fran sign language while Babbage teaches her some engineering.

Jekyll is going for a major in medicine with a minor in law (in the actual irl story Dr. Jekyll was a doctor in medicine and law).

For science associated servants, you got da Vinci, Babbage, Edison, and Tesla as possible science teachers.

The Jeanne sisters. Without the Avenger BS, the reason Jalter (or Joan as one series of fics calls her) could hate her here is just inferiority complex and being compared to her perfect saint big sister all her life. Joan does have her talents, based on the summer event an, but again she doesn't acknowledge her own talent b/c of her always being compared to her older sister., in the 7 counterfeit events she is a really good artist. And it is the typical thing of Jeanne actually being scared out of her wits of being less than perfect because of all the expectations thrust on her. She gets one A- and runs to the bathroom crying and Joan has to swallow her pride and actually have a conversation with her sister for the first time in years. Jeanne Alter lily puts up Christmas decorations super early, much to Jeanne Alter/Joan's displeasure.

"IT JUST TURNED NOVEMBER CHILL TF OUT!"

"CHRISTMAS!"

Martha is Jeanne's BF since middle school and has this HUGE dog that scares everyone and growls at anyone expect Martha and Jeanne. She calls him Terry.

Rex loves Penthesilea. and we talked at length about the situation between her and Achilles. Can you not tell that he likes a woman who can kick his ass *gestures to all of his Baiken posts*

Rex's idea: I think they had a fight when they were little and Achilles, being a little shit back then, made fun of her for being a girl, and Penth has been sore about it ever since. She keeps running into big misogynistic meatheads that reminded her of that and she just got angrier over the years. She's a wrestler and can knock out just about every dude in school by herself. Achilles is very regretful about back then and wants to apologize but Penth ain't having any of it.

My idea: I thought they were on opposing HS sports teams and when Achilles handed her ass to her he forgot to drink his respect women juice and then Penth got all pissed.

In this AU, Penth and Hippolyta's dad was a general who taught them how to kick the ass of men twice their size since they were seven or something.

Penth surprises everyone when a festival comes up and she gets picked to be the one to organize everything...and does a spectacular job. Another surprise is that she plans on being a business major when she goes to college (Obligatory Amazoness CEO jokes)

Bedivere is the Arturia Pendragon family butler with a prosthetic arm. He's also the security guard, last guy that tried to steal something or cause trouble got slapped right out of the window he sneaked in from.

Francis Drake and Artoria Alter Lancer are work friends (referencing them both being associated with the Wild Hunt in F/GO's lore).

Beni-Enma is the short and shorter tempered lunch lady, last kid who mouthed off at her during lunch got smacked upside the head with her spoon. She's sweet, but if you're in detention and have to help her in the kitchen she's a mini Gorden Ramsey, "IT'S RAW DECHI!!!" She can also come into the home EC class where Shirou is her best student. Also her roasting of the other girls like in her quest. Getting Fs in Beni's class is the worst, because it isn't just an F, it's a meticulous dressing down of exactly why letting into a kitchen should be considered a war crime, dechi.

The three Avenger Nobus are three different people. 1st Ascension is basically Archer Nobu, then you got Oda Kipposhi, and then the mom is Ascension 3 with Demon King Nobunaga. The youngest Ascension 1 Nobu is a musician. Demon King Nobu is one of those "super scary but also super polite people that only makes them scarier" type, basically a female koei Nobunaga from samurai warriors (check out some cutscenes form the games with him, he's a treat).

Imagine Demon King Nobu mom in a business suit.

Suzuka Gozen and Sei Shonagon are the textaholics who always talk in slang to the point of it sounding like they speak a different language. Murasaki is the librarian but Sei is like that ONE student who just makes her job so much harder.

Every week it's "No phones in the library Miss Shonagon." while Sei rolls her eyes and types out twitter post like "fugly ol librarian at my school needs a life lol"

Oui Katsushika is a gifted art student, and her dad (not a floating little octopus), is just a normal dude with a squid/octopus like beard. She's the teacher's pet in De Vinci's art class.

Eresh and Ishtar come from a rich family, Ereshkigal is the older sister so she had a shit load of responsibility to take over the family business while Ishtar basically gets to party her life away. Rin is the cousin they each try and swing their way. Eresh wants Rin to keep up her studies and get into a good university, Ishtar wants Rin to loosen the fuck up and admit that she likes that scrawny Emiya kid already.

BB is the host of a talk show downtown so she is kind of an absentee mom. Meltryllis has prosthetic legs that she specifically asked to be made into stilts b/c she wanted to be taller, and Passonlip has a massive rack that makes life difficult (either people staring, people assuming she's gonna be a home wrecker b/c said staring must be intentional, etc.), and of course he also has prosthetic arms to match her canon claws, obviously not as massive.

Hijikata is a very serious police officer but his wife Carmilla just uses this to have fun in the bedroom. They have two Dobermans. Hijikata's route has him patrolling near the school so most of the kids know as that scary police dude that has a picture of his wife in his pocket. One day a famous Idol called Eli-chan~ (yes spelled with the ~) is about to perform in the town and the kids can't stop talking about her, so Hijikata overhears. But, being the serious dude he is he shrugs it off until he sees a picture of this "Eli-chan~" and realizes it's his sister-in-law that came to visit and suddenly the influx of parasitic paparazzi near his house start making sense.

Carmilla: "Now you see why I hate them?", Hijikata: "No you cannot send the dogs after them honey."

She almost ran one of them over in her, very expensive, car and when that reporter says she should be locked up Hijikata corrects that would only happen if she had hit him...and she would be fined. For littering.

Okita Alter being Hijikata's partner, while Okita is her younger sister who's looked up to Hijikata since she was a little kid but she has asthma and such so she's afraid she might not get accepted.

Sigurd owns a metalworks shop (referencing his myth where he was raised by the dwarf Reginn), he met his wife Brynhildr when she was disowned by her overly controlling father.

Ozymandias, Nitocris, and Cleopatra are all the high board members of a company. Nitocris specifically got wind of Scheherazade's abusive husband situation and after getting said husband arrested, she offered Scheherazade a job.

Atalanta is a college student/TA who worked with Achilles' dad who ends up at their HS for a program or something, Achilles' dad has told him a lot about her.

Amakusa Shirou is an uncle married to the CEO of Babylon Gardens Pharmaceuticals, Semiramis. Semiramis herself is kinda chill if REALLY scary. She had to be pretty cutthroat to get to her position in the company, but Amakusa Shirou helped her mellow out, but she is still a massive tsundere.

"You know you COULD poison their lunch." "Semi, dear, I'm not going to poison my coworker's sandwich for being an ass." "It wouldn't kill them! Just a bit in their peanut better and they'll be stuck on the toilet for a week, no harm no foul."

Rex initially said Taiga would be an overly enthusiastic gym teacher but then I remembered that she was a homeroom/English teacher in Fate canon, but either or can do if you wanna be unique.

For Quetzalcoatl, Wrestling club supervisor when she isn't the senior year gym teacher. Some of the male students laughed that they didn't think a woman would know anything about wrestling. Two piledrives later, the students have earned a new appreciation for the importance on how not to be two pieces of shit. She's big on Lucha as in canon and during Halloween she gets JAGUARMAN to have an exhibition fight with her. They make a show of it but later on Taiga admits that Quatz could have CRUSHED her if they were actually fighting. She takes the wrestling club out for homemade Mexican food after tournaments

For Siduri, there's a bunch of rumors she's dating Caster Gil but it's strictly professional, Caster respects her too much to consider that. Archer Gil hits on her relentlessly, she manages to wound his ego more severely then anyone else simply by being unfailingly polite in her rejections and treating him like what he is, a teenage punk jumping higher than he can handle to land.

Ibaraki is Shuten's adoptive little sister after she was taken from an abusive mother, hence why Ibaraki looks up to her. Ibuki is either Shuten's big sister who had to take on a guardian role, or just her mom. Shuten and Ibuki have a bit of a strained relationship because Shuten saw the way Ibuki acted as they grew up, taking more and more responsibilities onto herself and refusing any distractions. And she decided that her biggest nightmare is to wake up one morning and realize she's turned into Ibuki so she tries to do everything to avoid that, hence their relationship not being the best. Ibaraki is kinda stuck in the middle because she wants to side with Shuten but she sees where Ibuki is coming from. Messy.

Caren is still Kotomine’s daughter, but he isn’t a good dad and in rebellion she sleeps around despite being a woman of god. Including sleeping with local punk Angra Mainyu. Angra Mainyu seems like a bad guy but he has a shit load of issues due to being blamed for everything going wrong in his old town, eventually coming to believe them and thinking he will cause nothing but problems. Caren banging him gives him a type of closeness he’s never felt, but under very warped circumstances.

For the Tamamo family, Vitch totally fucked her way up a corporate ladder or something, imagined Tamamo Cat working at a Cat Cafe if she were a Student. Tamamo no Mae accidentally fed her prev BF a food he was allergic too, and that kind of haunted her and scared her rep. IDK basically she seriously fucked up a previous relationship, either on purpose or accidentally, and that kind of hurts her deeply so she wants to start over with Hakuno.

Nero and Tamamo no Mae are rivals over this one guy.

Kiichi Hougen is the adoptive mom, Benkei is the family friend/uncle, Taira is Ushiwaka's older sister. Taira isn't on the best of terms with her family, some drama way back caused a rift and nowadays Ushi is the only one who's willing to talk to her and visit. Benkei never lets her go alone because he doesn't trust Taira one bit. Taira and Ushiwaka are Kintoki and Tomoe's cousins (I say Tomoe b/c apparently her husband and Ushiwaka were half cousins, with their grandpa having kids with their grandmas. I tried to make a whole family tree out of a few servants).

These are the ideas we had the most to talk about, if you guys have any suggestions for your fav servants in this AU, let either me or Rex know. Or just reblog and say them here. Who knows maybe you have a much better idea for a Servant we already mentioned.

[sunflowerkiwi93]

Now That We’re Done - HS

This is a fic I've been working on for some time now.  It's actually the 'sequel' to a fic I wrote a while ago, and something inspired me to keep going.  I intend to post both, but wanted the story to begin this way :)

Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part.  Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn't turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image.  This is all purely fiction.

Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it.  Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.

Part One

I sat on the couch alone, cold.  I shivered and pulled my jacket tighter around myself.  Looking to my left I saw picture frames on the side table full of pictures of myself and old friends.  I glanced away quickly, my heart beginning to ache.  Looking to my shoes, then to the ceiling, I groaned and quickly stood to my feet.

“Let’s go!” I called, getting out of that living room.  I made my way to the bottom of the stairs listening for footsteps.  “Elizabeth!” I called again.

“Liam!” She mocked me, plummeting down those stairs like she used to.  She landed at the bottom and watched me watch her.  “What?” She asked.

I looked her up and down.  My baby sister.  Twenty years old.  The last time she was in this house she was eighteen and in love, with long brown hair past her shoulders and a smile that couldn’t be replaced.  She was her own boss and didn’t take shit from anyone, not even me.  God, she used to hate herself for that after what happened.  Running my hands through my hair, I sighed and shrugged.

“Memories,” I said flatly.

“Ugh, you’re gross,” She rolled her eyes, “Are we going?” She motioned at the door.  I nodded and she started for it.  Her hair was short now, hidden under a beanie hat.  She wore sweaters in the summer and talked to her therapist on the phone twice a week.  Wednesday and Saturday.  Her sunglasses were always dark and she only talked to me, our parents and one other person.  She got to the door, put her hand on the knob and looked at me.

“Liam?” She asked.

“Liz?” I answered.

“Can you go first?” She whispered.  

This was normal for her.  Media blew her up once they all found out.  All the stories made me absolutely sick.  Her phone was shut off for two months because she couldn’t handle it.  Her Twitter was deleted and she had to make a new private Instagram.  Since July sixth, two years ago, she hasn’t left my side and there is not one part of me that wants to leave her alone.

“Come here,” I stood next to her, put her hood on over her hat and my arm around her shoulder, “The car is right down the stairs, okay?” She nodded, “Don’t you dare listen to one word anyone says.”

I pushed the door open and instantly we were both being shouted at, flashes going off like mad.  Elizabeth kept her eyes down, but she clung to me tight.  My guard opened the back door for us while pushing paps away.  We slid in and the door slammed shut.

“Oh my god,” Elizabeth gasped, throwing her head into her lap, “OH my god.” She began to cry.

“Hey,” I laid my hand on her back and rubbed in circles.  She sat back up and pulled her hat off along with her sweatshirt.  She wore a dark blue tank top.  Looking at me, her cheeks were red and eyes swollen.  I wiped away tears with my thumb.  “I’m so proud of you.”

“Why?” Her voice shook.

“Because,” I started, “You went into that house yourself.”

“You were with me, Li.”

“Yeah, I was.  But you wanted to go.  You asked me to go, and for that I am proud.” She bit her lip and smiled, resting her head onto my shoulder.

Days with my sister and I were always led by her and what she wanted to do.  Asking her what she wanted to do today, she wanted to visit the house my old bandmates and I lived in for a few years.  I hadn’t been there in years.  The last time I had actually been in that house was April, when I left with everyone to go do a tour in the US.  Liz was with us then, she and a good friend of hers were staying with us.  When the tour was cut short after July, Elizabeth and I both went straight to our parents home.  My old label had everything personal packed in the house and sent back to us.  For what reason she wanted to go back to that house?  I do not know.  I just know that she wanted to go out, so I took her.

In order for no one to follow us back to my home that I had bought shortly after that month of our tour, another car like the one we were in was with us following different paths to ensure my sister and I made it home safe and alone.  It added more time to the drive than I would have liked, but it was worth the ease of mind.

Fifteen minutes into the ride, Liz was gazing out the window pointing things out to me that she saw.  It was always either a fast food place she missed, or a car she knew I liked.  I nodded along, smiling with her.  In my back pocket one of two phones vibrated and then blurted out a ringtone that I heard often.  Elizabeth whipped her head around and held out her hand.

“That’s Harry,” She said sternly.

“I know.” I got her phone and handed it to her.  The one other person she would talk to was Harry.  After the split he and I would only talk on occasion- when it was our birthdays, holidays or when Elizabeth wouldn’t answer the phone.

“Hey, Harry,” She lit up when she heard his voice.  They only talk through the phone, or FaceTime. He stops by when he can, but he’s always in the US working.  “Yes, I’m good.  I promise.  What?  I can’t hear- Oh, yes.  I’m with Liam.”  She always tells him she is with me, even though he already knows.

“We went to the Syco house, we are on our way back- Yeah, the Syco house,” She looked at me, her eyebrows lowered, “Well, there wasn’t much in there.  Harry, I hadn’t seen it in two years,” She lowered the phone holding the mic and she whispered to me in a panic, “He’s mad.” Lifting the phone to her ear again she listened.

“Harry, I wanted to see it again.” There was a long pause while she listened to him, her face flashing different emotions.  One of the early signs of one of her panic attacks.  She knew how to handle this type of feeling though, I talked to her therapist about it. “Harry!” She shouted, her eyes squeezed shut. I snatched the phone from her.

“Harry?” I said angrily.  There was a pause.

“Liam.” He answered, his voice gravely and low.

“What were you saying to her?  You’re the one person she doesn’t talk to on the speaker around me, because we both trust you.”

“I said that she shouldn’t have gone to the house.” He spoke calm and slow, his usual manner.

“Why?”

“Because that house was hell?  Liam you and I both know that house was hell.”

“Harry-“

“Liam, I didn’t tell her this.  He went there last week.” My heart sank to my stomach.  Flickering my eyes at her she was watching me with wide eager eyes.

“Okay, Harry.  Yes, we appreciate it.  Are you going to call later?  Alright, she looks forward to it.  Bye.”  Faking a conversation was easier than blurting out the truth.  I put her phone into my pocket and pulled mine out.

“He apologized, and told me that he will call you before seven,” Elizabeth smiled and looked at my phone.  I usually never have it out when I’m out with her because my main focus was always making sure she was alright, “Mind if I send someone a message?”

“No, that’s okay.” She said and turned back to look out the window with half an hour left until we got home.  I unlocked my phone, opened my messages and tapped onto Harry’s texts.  I began to type.

L- We do not talk about him being there.

I waited.  Then the three dots popped up.

H- To who?  You or Liz.

L- Liz.  Do you know why he was there?

H- No.  Heard it from this girl I worked with the other day.  Didn’t want to believe it.

L- Who was the girl? How did she know?

H- Her name was Gigi.  And I’m not sure.

L- Ok.  Hear from you at 7 when you call Liz.  Thank you Harry.

H- Anytime.

The rest of the ride home was quiet and when we arrived, I did the usual.  I stepped out of the car first, checked the scene, then let Elizabeth step out.  It made her feel better, and if she feels better so do I.

We were pulled into the long black driveway that connects my garage to the street.  Almost every bit of my house was surrounded by trees.  I bought this home with the purpose of privacy, and it’s been perfect for everything my sister and I were going through.  It was on a private street only the neighbors by me could access, and even then you couldn’t see another house in sight.  It was spacious, quiet, relaxing and the environment we needed to be in.  The house itself was only a story tall.  It had four bedrooms, one of which I turned into a home studio to work on music in, a cozy living room with bookshelves for days and a beautiful backyard with an inground pool and plenty of patio space around it.  It certainly was not as big as the Syco house I once lived in or as glamorous as some houses celebrities live in, but my sister and I adored it and we’ve been happy here for two years.

“I’m tired,” Elizabeth mentioned as we walked inside the garage, “I might lay down.” I told her to go lay down and she went to her room.  I flopped onto my sofa and pulled out my phone.  I opened Google and searched for news on the man Harry brought up.  Curious as to why Elizabeth would want to go to the house if he was just there.  The first story that popped up was of him on the streets of NYC locking lips with a rail thin, long haired blonde.  It read their names with the title ‘Heating Things Up?’.

Opening it, I scanned the lines not caring about what he was doing until the girl's name came up again.  Sure enough her name was Gigi.  I locked my phone, slid it onto the table, stood up and took myself down the hall to knock on Elizabeth’s door.

“It’s open,” She called.

“As it should be,” I joked walking inside, “What are you doing?” She was sitting at her desk with nothing on it.  She shrugged.

“Sitting,” She said seriously.  I cracked a laugh and sat on her bed.

“Obviously,” She stared at me, “I have a question, if you don’t mind.”  Squinting her eyes she nodded.

“Why... why did you want to go to the Syco house today?” I asked quietly.  Elizabeth looked at her hands then at me.

“I wanted to feel something,” She said, “Haven’t felt anything.  In a long time.  In two years.” She stared off into space, her mind wandering.  I watched her closely as her eyes danced around her room in her mirror, and then she frowned.

“Elizabeth,” I said, raising my voice a little to regain her attention.  She snapped out of it and looked at me.

“What were we saying?” She asked, “Oh, Syco house.”

“What did you want to feel?” I asked.

“Something.  Anything,” She muttered.  “I don’t even know what’s happening with the world.  I don’t go on my phone.”

“No,” I shook my head answering her quickly, “Kens says you can have it when someone calls.”

“Then let me call Ken's myself,” She raised her eyebrows. “I need new rules.  Liam!” She held out her hand and I sighed.  I felt both my pockets and found nothing.

“Use mine, it’s on the coffee table.”

She bolted for the living room and snatched my phone.  I heard the buttons click and the phone unlock, then I heard a thud on the floor a few seconds later.  Leaving her bedroom, I found her staring at my phone on the ground at the story of him that I forgot to close out of.  Her face was straight as she stared.  Then she looked up at me.  I couldn’t make out any words to say.  She hadn’t seen anything or heard anything of or about him in a very long time.  She bent down and picked the phone up, exiting the screen.  I saw her go to my contacts, find Kens’ number, her therapist, and call.

“Hi, Kens.  Yeah, it’s me.  I just went on the internet for the first time.”

-

It was easy to understand why anxiety made you hide, why it made you feel small and stuck.  It was difficult for Liam to understand opposite action, which meant doing exactly what anxiety was telling you not to do.  After my conversation with Kens I realized that if I wanted to get out of feeling like I was stuck in a hole, I had to do just that.

Liam agreed to take me out, which he did quickly after learning what opposite action was, after I mustered up the courage myself to ask him.  Setting his phone down on the coffee table I looked to my brother and nodded.

“We’re going to do this, yes?” I asked.  He lowered his eyebrows and squinted his eyes at me.

“We’re going to feel alive,” He said seriously with some humor behind it.  I smiled and stood up, heading towards my room.  Liam called after me, “And for as long as you need.  I’ll be out here on the phone Kens.”

When I started living with my brother back when, I never knew he and I would end up here.  I had envisioned that I’d be dancing my way through life, literally, and be in an amazing relationship with someone I truly loved.  Liam would still be making music with his band and maybe he and I would eventually be working together merging our talents.  Instead, I live with him somewhere his fans can’t find him and we work together on my therapy while he still works with the media.  I never liked the paparazzi.  Not even when I was living in the Syco house, living the dream for a few months.  

After then the headlines were horrific, my name caught up in something I wish I could erase from my memory, but Kens says it is important to have because she says look at how I’m starting to grow from it.  I can never see what she’s talking about when I’m stuck in a low.  I only see why what happened to me happened, but once I’m feeling okay I understand.

I sat down in front of my mirror and took a deep breath down into my stomach.  My makeup hadn’t been touched in months.  It was still set up from when Liam had helped me clean up from a panic attack weeks ago.  Brushes went flying, it wasn’t pretty.

I put my cold hands over my pale cheeks and groaned.  I wasn’t sure if I even remembered how to properly put on a simple face of makeup.  I dabbed some concealer under my eyes and brushed on some bronzer and mascara.

I changed into some ripped blue jeans, a lavender sweater that fell just off my shoulder and a pair of black slides.  My red hair I pulled back with a braid in the front and a little ponytail in the back.  It was not as long as it used to be.  I had to cut a whole lot off after it thinned out extremely from stress.  That was a heartbreaking moment for someone like me who used her hair as a personality trait.  Liam sat beside me the entire time it got done and had even helped which shade of red to color it.  I’m his own special mix of chocolate cherry.

Stepping out of my room an hour after speaking to Liam I found him patiently sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone.  His head popped up after he heard my door close, and his jaw fell open.

“Well, look at you!” He gushed.

“Ugh, Liam, don’t,” I forced back a smile, but it peeked through as I walked over to him.

“You look great,” He said standing up offering me a hand, “Shall we?”

I took his hand and laughed.

“We shall!”

-

Elizabeth and I had a quick, fun evening out.  My driver drove us around the small town outside where my home is, where some paparazzi can be found but also some amazing restaurants.  I kept my hand sat on top of hers in the car and thought about the conversation I just had with Kens about accepting this decision my sister made about her recovery.  Kens told me I need to make some new boundaries as Liz starts to grow with her treatment.  Eventually she would want her phone back and that’s the only problem I had.  

For nearly a year after it happened I was the only one on her phone.  I deleted messages, incoming and outgoing.  I deactivated Twitter and created a new Instagram for her.  I told Kens I was not ready for her to be back on Twitter, and she agreed with me.  She said she will not allow Liz back onto social media full time until she knows she will be okay reading what she’ll be reading.

Looking at her beside me in the car she was gazing out the window, a soft smile on her face again, but her right knee was beginning to bounce a bit.  Kens told me to watch for that as a sign of her anxiety being present.  I squeezed her hand and she turned to look at me.

“You okay?” I asked calmly.  She took a deep breath and nodded.

“I’m okay.  Excited and nervous.  But okay,” She smiled and I returned it to her.

We pulled up along an Italian restaurant she used to love and she gasped so loud I thought I was going to jump out of my pants.  It didn’t seem too busy for a Thursday night, so we decided it would be alright for us to stay.  As usual I got out of the car first and held her hand as she slowly took her time to step out and watched as she looked all around.  I noticed that some people realized who I was, and then saw their reaction when they realized who I was with.  A girl shouted out her name and Liz jumped in her shoes slightly and latched onto my arm.

“You’re doing great,” I said to her quietly as we walked towards the doors, “They’re looking excited to see you.” She let out a breathy laugh the moment we stepped inside.  She let go of me and shook her hands and stretched out her arms.

“My heart is beating like a drum,” She whispered, bouncing on her toes.

There was some commotion outside, some louder voices, and Liz and I both turned to look through the windows.  Sure enough there were two paparazzi with camera lenses nearly pressed against the glass.  Liz’s eyes went wide so I quickly turned her away and asked for our table.

We sat in an empty section of the dining room which was perfect for us both as we can be quite loud together.  We always knew how to make our own party.

During dinner it was extremely easy to forget the world and I can only hope Elizabeth felt the same exact way.  Our conversation drifted from shopping for some new clothes for her, to when I auditioned for X-Factor, to some old family vacations we took during the summers.  We sat in front of our empty plates and I looked at her curiously.

“Do you have any plans for the rest of this summer?” I asked.  She blew a raspberry on her lips and sighed.

“We can do this every night,” She giggled, “Although...” Her words trailed off as did her eyes.  I held my focus on her and then shook the ice in my glass around before taking a sip to help bring her back.

“Although?” I questioned between sips of cool water.

“I want to see Harry,” She said and looked me right in the eyes.

“I don’t have a problem with-“

“I know you don’t,” She cut me off quickly not breaking her eye contact, “It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen him.” Her voice turned to a whisper.  I watched her as she explained to me how great I’ve been with helping her, and how she loves me very much but that she needs to have a friend by her side, too.

“You know I’m still your friend, right?” I teased her and she rolled her eyes.

“You know what I mean!” She groaned.

“Yes, I do,” I laughed, “I’m proud of you for bringing all of this up.  For talking to me, and helping me understand.  If Harry-“ I was cut off again, but this time by that distinct ringtone.  Elizabeth fell serious and held out her hand waiting for her phone to be placed there.  Slipping it from my pocket, I smiled at her, and handed it over.

“Hi, Harry,” She breathed and listened to what he had to say, “Yes I am!  Liam’s here with me,” as always, “We came out tonight... Oh, you saw already? Where?”  I watched her talk to him every single phone call.  She became a different person who lit up with excitement and energy.  If she didn’t bring up Harry coming home to him, I was certainly sure that I was going to.

He was there afterwards, holding her, squeezing her hands.  She was folded in his lap sobbing uncontrollably, nearly screaming, and he just sat there listening to her, somehow understanding her.  He helped me through those few weeks of the hospital, then going home, then going back to the hospital.  He stayed overnight with me most nights.  Before any of this ever happened he was dating Liz’s old friend.  He tried a slick move on my sister, but she’s so strong on her feet she put him in his place.  Shortly after that night in July on tour, he was single again with no reason behind it.  I just know we don’t bring up that girl anymore or hear from her.  Eventually, once Liz and I were in my new home, he set off to do his solo music work.  But he never forgot to call.  He always called.

“Thank you, I bought it last year and had never worn it...” She glanced up at me and smiled, “Harry, I have a question for you later if I could call you when I’m home?  That’s okay?  Okay... bye.”

She hung up and handed her phone back over to me.

“Thank you for coming out with me tonight,” Liz said to me with a smile.

“Thank you for giving the best night I’ve had in awhile,” I said back to her with a small wink.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #306

i’m v talkative today so pardon my jabbering below.

What is the strangest type of candy you have eaten? I think I've had one of those lollipops with a bug in it before as a kid? I don't remember. What would be your most ideal profession? A freelance photographer. But I'm honestly starting to lose hope. Have you tried those coloring books for adults? Yeah; it's funny you mention 'em, 'cuz a family friend got me one for my birthday earlier this month. What is a topic you definitely don't want to talk about with anyone? I don't like talking about my sexual history, doesn't matter who you are. It's just uncomfortable. What was your first gaming console? An Atari. Is there something you're eagerly waiting for? What is it? *SLAMS FISTS ON TABLE* MAY NEEDS TO FUCKIN' HURRY. My tattoo appointment is set then. :''') Do you/have you ever belonged to an organization? If so, which one? I was a Girl Scout when I was young. What is something you're very passionate about? Nature conservation, gay rights (equal rights in general, really), the pro-choice movement, and then there are less "important" things like certain hobbies interests and such. I'm sure there are more big ones that are just slipping my mind right now, considering I feel passionately for a shitload of stuff. What are you studying or what was the last thing you studied? I majored in Art & Design with a focus on Photography in college. But guess who dropped out. What was the last present you gave someone? I don't know... I mention enough that I don't have a source of income where I can really buy anything. I think the last thing I did was a Christmas gift for Mom a year or two back of a drawing I did of our late dog Cali, whom she absolutely adored. Do you enjoy plays? If so, what was the latest one you saw? Not really, no. What was the last thing you achieved? PHP has helped me focus on little victories, so prepare for an underwhelming answer haha, but it's something. I Facebook messaged an old friend I really wanted to catch up with, and everyone in group cheered for me. :') It was really heartwarming. What a shocker that this program is really helping me once again. What is something you would like to achieve at some point in your life? I would love love love to take at least one "famous" or award-winning photograph. It'd be such amazing validation that I'm talented at something I love so much. What is one philosophy you have regarding life/living/purpose? That's... difficult to answer seeing as I'm trying desperately to find my purpose. I do try to live by this old quote a therapist said once: "Deal with life, or life deals with you." I think it holds an incredible amount of depth and meaning in such a short phrase. How would you design the inside of your own home? I don't know the details of it, really, besides that shit is gonna look like a Halloween house year-round. I can imagine wanting black furniture, too, and having loooots of decor expressive of what I love and find comfort in. Gotta make a house feel like a home just for me. What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Backstreet Boys, duh. Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. abortion being wrong/right, meat-eating being wrong/right)? Two things: it depends on the topic, and "get mad" is the wrong term for what I feel. It's more disgust; ex., I'm repulsed by anti-gay rights people and want absolutely nothing to do with 'em, but I'm not like, mad at them. Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Oh yeah, and it definitely depends on the raw photograph. I edit depending on the mood it emanates; like if you've seen my roadkill photography versus nature shots, there is an extremely distinct difference in editing style and vibe. I'd say in general though, I tend to like to brighten my photographs and add more vibrance. If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? God, I could write an essay on this. I just love and am so thankful for the fact we can literally freeze time forever with the click of a button and look back on fantastic sights, beautiful moments, memories... It's just magical to me, and I adore contributing to that art. Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Well yeah, that's my preference, actually. What is your absolute favorite food? The spicy shrimp fritas from Olive Garden, jfc. Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? Fuck to the absolute hell no. What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Idk, considering I'm not well-versed in the artistic creations of other countries. Perhaps India? Japan? I dunno. If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him/her? I'm asking for his fucking autograph and a hug while I smile my face in two AND cry lmao. What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I ain't gonna bullshit nobody, my PTSD. In some way or another, he's lurking in that head of mine through memories, flashbacks, wonders of what could have gone differently... but thank God it's no longer in the forefront of my mind after my first PHP. I've come very, very far, but especially when trying to blank out my mind to fall asleep, parts of PTSD strangle my brain until I'm just finally out. I really hope that changes someday. Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Yikes, nowhere, really. I like to avoid busy locations. Do you think video games cause people to become violent? Absolutely not. You are responsible for the decisions you make; music, games, movies, etc. have no deciding voice in stupid shit you do, and it's bullshit that people blame art and entertainment for such things. Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? I'm unsure. Have you or could you build your own site? Absolutely not from scratch. The closest I've gotten to that is my photography website, but it was through the assistance of Wix. What's the best thing you can cook yourself? Scrambled eggs, haha. I do make some bomb eggs at least. Are there a lot of graffiti around your neighborhood? No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. God, I want to go vegetarian again... Besides English, what other languages can you speak? I can speak a very little bit of German. Took four semesters of it in high school and became very good at it, but lack of practice has pretty much ruined that. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well; as in, I can pronounce most words I see, but that doesn't mean I understand what is written. Do you think you could make it as a chef? Gordon Ramsey would deadass kick me off his show on day one, lmao. What's your favorite kind of tea? It marvels me JUST how many tea and coffee questions are in surveys. Anyway, I don't like tea. I am an embarrassment to NC culture. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you've been? lask;dfjal;wekrjwe What's the most freeing thing you've ever done? Stealing my happiness back from someone who had no right to hold it all in its entirety. That shit's mine. Do you think today's kids are really impatient? Most, probably, but in some ways I can understand it - at least, in the sense that with the assistance of modern technology and advancements in satiating our wants so quickly, kids just expect it. I definitely believe that patience is something to try to be deeply instilled in everyone, though. I don't have an ounce of it (in most situations) and wish I did. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? One of my favorite Southern experiences is finding a bunch of honeysuckles and tasting the honey (is it technically even honey??). Tastes amazing. My family's hairdresser lives down a beautiful path that sprouts a massive amount of them, and as kids, my sisters and her two boys would go tasting them while our parents talked for so long, or if we were waiting our turn. Good memories. What has been your worst restaurant experience? I'm not sure, really. What's the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? "Inappropriate humor type jokes." <<<< They can get me sometimes, too. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? No, thankfully. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? I don't believe so, no. Besides making a tye-dye one in HS with our school colors. Wasn't my idea and never wore it, haha. Do you ever read other people's survey answers? It depends on the person. If it's a friend, absolutely, because I love learning usually obscure things about them I wouldn't have known otherwise. If it's a user I don't know from wherever I got the survey, sometimes, depending on how short the answer is and my eyes kinda just scroll over it. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, especially mornings. I'm generally happier when there's light around. What's your highest level of education so far? Some college. Describe your ordinary day: My average day is embarrassingly uneventful. It's sitting on the laptop doing shit on various sites, none of which are actually important, and playing WoW, which is also without true substance, save for social interactions with my friends on there. I spray Venus' terrarium everyday multiple times as well to keep the humidity up, and obviously eat and handle that kinda bodily needs stuff. Would you ever have a UV tattoo? Ugh, that'd be so dope. I've seen some awesome ones, but idk if I'd get one, considering when am I actually going to be under UV light?? Like I wanna be able to see my tat. What is the brand and color name of your favorite lipstick? I have one black lipstick, but it comes right off so I don't even like it. I only ever put it on to take pictures. What do you like on your tortilla? Just ham and cheese. How about inside your pita bread? I've never had pita bread, actually. What do you like in your burger? It depends on where I'm getting the burger. My basic is cheese, ketchup, mustard, a bit of mayo, pickles, and a light sprinkle of diced onion, but sometimes I add bacon and take away the onions. How about on your pizza? I have three I tend to pick from: pepperoni, jalapeno, or meat lovers. Do you work better alone or in a group? Alone, definitely. Which body part would you not mind losing? I'ma be extremely honest, with just how horribly weak my legs are, I could live without them, I guess. Not saying I want to by any means, it's just exhausting using them. Ideally, I'd take away something minor, like a finger or something. What common saying people use is absolute BS to you? “'Everything happens for a reason.'” <<<< Fuckin' colossal "same." I won't rag on people who believe it, especially if it gives you courage to keep moving forward, but I don't believe it in the slightest. If it were so, I'd like to talk to whoever is in control of those "reasons," please. What is the most interesting thing you’ve read or seen this week? I had no idea elephants were pregnant for two years, like holy shit, can you imagine. It was in an article I saw on Facebook about a mother and daughter elephant who are both expecting and doing well. Wonderful to hear. What’s the most useless talent you have? Ha, I'm a master in the arts of catastrophizing and jumping to conclusions involving people hating me in one way or another. What’s something everyone looks stupid doing? I'm one of those people who hate dabbing done by anybody, like you look like you're just smelling your armpit. Which kids’ movie scarred you for life? I wouldn't say "scarred me for life" by any means, but when I was little, I was terrified of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz and even had nightmares about her. It sucked because my little sister was obsessed with that movie, haha. In one sentence, how would you sum up the Internet? A source of incredible knowledge but also hate and misinformation. What would be the most ridiculous thing for the government to make illegal? I literally dread the idea of Roe vs. Wade being reversed. Banning abortion would kill so many people with operational uteruses and cause absolute pandemonium. How many friends do you have on social media and how many of them do you know for real? On Facebook, I have 124 friends, and I'd say I know most of them "in real life." However, having been on the Internet since I was so young and befriending loads of incredible people, a good chunk are "online friends." Hell, I'm more interested in their lives than most "real" ones. Long-distance friendships are so valid. What fact amazes you every time you think of it? Lots of things, generally regarding the stupidity of humanity. What’s the most spontaneous thing you’ve ever done? Probably going to the beach w/ my old friend Colleen. We had zero plans of doing it, but she just called me one morning and asked if I wanted to go, and off we went. It was a fun day. What has taken up too much of your life? I'ma be real, WoW. I don't think I'm addicted to it like I once was seeing as I go through spans where I barely want to play it at all and don't, so I truly am capable of not playing it, but rather it's just the most entertaining way to kill time in my life. I just don't like how much time I've invested into a game over six or seven years regardless. Where do you not mind waiting? Uh, nowhere lmao. Is there an app you hate to use, but still use every day? No; why would I use it if that was the case? Who is the funniest person you know? My friend Girt is fucking hysterical. What three words describe you best? Complex, passionate, and creative. What makes you think you’re smart? Lol who says I think I'm smart? Who inspires you? Korean Jesus. Okay on a serious note, not just him, of course, but he's #1 in an entire universe of ways. Do you aspire to be like somebody else? If so, who? No; I want to be my own authentic self. How did you meet your best friend? YouTube, back when it had more social aspects. Which one of your accomplishments are you the most proud of? I want to say my recovery, but like... I wonder a lot if it's "enough" to be proud of with how scarred I still am? I still struggle with a lot and feel like I could be so much better by now if I tried harder. If I'm completely honest with myself, I think it's finishing high school in the top percentile of my graduating class. There was a ceremony for the handful of us and all, and I cherish my plaque probably too much. Reminds me of a time when I knew what the fuck I was doing. What's the strangest thing you ever did as a child? Thinking I had "animal powers" where I could invoke the traits of certain animals at will, like what the actual fuck, Brittany. What did your mother teach you? Christ, a lot. Dad didn't do a lot of the raising, honestly, so much of my core values and whatnot were instilled by my mother. She taught me to care for and be nice to others, respect myself, try my best in everything, and most importantly that she is always there for me and my sisters no matter what and can tell her absolutely anything. She was very serious about us going to college and saving sex for marriage when we were younger, but she diverged from those ideas as absolutely necessary with experience. I'm extremely lucky with who I call my mom, overall. What did your father teach you? Eek... Read above. Not a lot as a kid (save for riding a bike and playing softball); most he's taught me has come following reuniting with him after my parents' divorce. I remember we went to lunch once and talked about my breakup, and he talked to me about sometimes, you just have to let people go in order to be happy, like with him and Mom. He's very serious now about ensuring us girls know that he is always there for us and will help us in any way he's capable. What makes you feel powerful? "Powerful" isn't something I really feel, if I'm being real. What are you ready to let go? It would be inexplicably fantastic if I could let every speck of Jason go in both my head and heart. What is your most bizarre deal-breaker? I don't really find any of my expectations and limits as "bizarre?" They're all valid to me. Well wait, idk if you'd find it strange that I absofuckinglutely would not date someone who hunts, but it's not to me. That's a difference in a very serious value to me. Would you rather be hated or forgotten? Hated. God, I don't want to leave this earth having given just nothing. I can live with some people hating me for whatever reason. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve made? Accepting my bisexuality, probably. That's something that I consider pretty big for two reasons: 1.) I could end up with a woman forever, and especially 2.) I was originally homophobic. I still have difficulty in fathoming how I ever was. What are some of your short-term goals? PHP is finally starting to make me build these again. I want to get better at selfcare, draw, write, and read more, I want to drink a lot more water, exercise way more... Lots of things, really. What is the weirdest thing about you? Uh. I dunno. Probably that I RP meerkats, which is a very obscure RP niche for sure.

[crabby-gothgirl]

Netflix, stop bringing down black women.

Netflix, just fucking stop already.

The 2 most popular shows on Netflix, as of this moment, have renewed seasons that both use black women protagonists to depict them in unhealthy relationships with serial rapist white men-filling out the caricaturized film roles of black women being seen as “the white master’s wench”. 

This triggers me deeply, as they are trying to promote and ingraine into young black female viewers who may watch these shows, with a systemic sense of colonialism and degradation. As if black women can’t have appropriate healthy relationships if they choose to date interracially, and are only meant to serve as “therapists” or “caretakers” by catering to clinically insane white men who go out and hurt other women.

The shows guilty of being problematic asf doing this, are Thirteen Reasons Why and End of the Fucking World. The last show fervently disappoints me, as I used to be a fan of it.

-----

Let’s start off with the infamous Thirteen Reasons Why. A show that’s already culprit for romanticizing mental illness for teenagers (suicide ideation and escaping your problems through use of suicide).

 From Season One, it’s served off of pure controversy and...

*ahem* the fact that the suicide rate in teens went up as soon as it aired *ahem*

https://www.npr.org/2019/04/30/718529255/teen-suicide-spiked-after-debut-of-netflixs-13-reasons-why-report-says

But hey, as it’s executives will try and say in its defense:

 “Correlation isn’t causation.” 

(yeah, sure it isn’t)

In their recent season, they have a British black girl named Ani who has a romantic affair with the show’s notorious antagonist, Bryce.

Keep this in mind:

Bryce is an upper class privileged American white male with a toxic upbringing of entitlement due to his white privilege and socioeconomic status. Not to mention he’s a quarterback for their school football team and is popular among the school body. Being raised with this parents that don’t care enough to regulate his actions, he rapes several girls at the high school, including the show’s former character Hannah Baker.

A white privileged male athlete that gets away with raping girls with little to no repercussions for his actions?

 Isn’t this dynamic sounding familiar to anyone?

*cough* Brock Turner *cough*

 As the experience is so traumatic for Hannah, she suffers from PTSD and, by the end of season one, decides to take her own life and is shown doing so.

~~~~~

Now, after doing something as abhorrently inhumane as that, violating someone and then having that person become so depressed, that they decide to take their own life, one would have hoped the executives could have been like:

Executives: “Wow, this Bryce guy sure is a disgusting fellow. Let’s keep him as an antagonist to show how negatively his actions can impact others and use this as a moral message to amplify the seriousness behind the issue of date rape for young girls.”

Instead, their logic is:

Executives: “Wow, Bryce raped all of these girls in his HS, one having to commit suicide for it. For Season 3, let’s make this guy seem like a precious cinnamon roll for our preteen audience and make it seem like he did no wrong!”

Me:

Now here we bring, Ani.

A new face to the cast. An African-British girl. Something that admittedly that had me curious for a hot second.

My mind: Black female representation in a character? It’s not often we see a show where a full colored black woman is the main character. (Ignoring the context of the god awful show said character is a part of).

But then, the curiosity kills the cat as soon as we see what Ani’s character is meant to serve.

Ani’s mother is an immigrant from Kenya. They live in the UK but then decide to move to the US to find work. That work ends up having her mother work as a nurse for Bryce’s wealthy white family. Being immigrants, they live in their plantation house. 

While working under this white family, Ani develops a sexual “relationship” with Bryce where they become friends with benefits.

Is it just me...or is anyone else getting slave-master x mammy vibes from this shitty ass relationship dynamic? 

Thirteen Reasons Why writers be like:

“This is a picture of a healthy interracial relationship.”

...

Disgusting motherfuckers.

Thirteen Reasons Why has always been complete shit, but they seem to be growing into more of a shit show, as Netflix keeps sucking their dick and renewing their contract to make more and more unnecesesary seasons of their show.

Problematic triggering themes are their only motivation. They’ll do things like show a girl committing suicide in the most gruesome way possible on-screen, then have the nerve to claim mental health “wokeness”.

I have always despised these people, and this just adds to the fuel of hatred I already had for them.

~~

Now onto the next show, End of the Fucking World.

Out of the shows mentioned on this list, I have to say that I’m personally affected the most by this one.

The first season admittedly had me going. I was actually looking forward to watching the second season. Until...it turned into a huge slap to the face for black women :/

SPOILERS FOR ANYONE WHO WATCHES THE SHOW:

Remember the creepy professor dude that tries to rape Alyssa in the first season?

Remember this crusty motherfucker?

The character Clive Koch, who is a serial rapist murderer who kills his own students. Is probably the most appalling character to do some of the most unspeakable things in the EOTFW universe.... 

(A straight up Ted Bundy in a nutshell).

Guess who found it was a good idea to start off the second season with introducing a backstory for a new character, a black female, who is somehow made to be his....romantic interest??

Yes.

They actually did this.

Netflix you need to get your shit together. 

Writers of these shows, get your shit together.

These shows are straight up damaging, you are hurting your young black female audiences by marketing these shows and depicting us in such damaging portrayals as mammies and coons to toxic mentally ill white men- in the 21ST FUCKING CENTURY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME Y’ALL?!

And don’t hide behind the excuse of “it’s not about the color” when it is DAMN WELL ABOUT THE FUCKING COLOR. You could have easily chose a white woman or any other POC woman for such a role to nurse a criminally insane white man with sexual favors but BOTH times you made it a damn black woman- your self-insert mammy to feed off your sick twisted desires!!!

Black women deserve to have HEALTHY relationsips portrayed for them, we are the most marginalized group in terms of dating, we don’t need to endanger our women by portraying them, telling them that they can only be loved by mentally ill SICK white men! We deserve HEALTHY romantic love! Shows and movies about us having HEALTHY relationships, with men of any race! Stop using us as mere race bait to push for marketing your shitty teenage drama shows that already have enough problematic themes as is! 

It’s time to STOP!

[gawaine]

by popular demand: welcome to the saga of Fuckboy Supreme

*sigh* aka i’m dumb, what’s new

i’m going to try and keep this short bc ffs

Fuckboy Supreme (FS for short). Mr Popular of my cohort. hangs out at the back w/ the rest of the rugby boys. blonde, blue eyed... not my type.

i’d identified him as the FS of the year early on and Blonde Pop and I established that he, and my other friend Steffan, were probably the two best looking single guys in our course (not saying much). I heard that he was from money and was clearly trying to hide it (E much?) and I saw a lot of similarities. he was interesting to watch every now and then but I didn’t think we’d ever really cross paths.

except one day, we end up thrown together in clin. skills, alongside his best friend + housemate (Human Shield, for future reference. he becomes important later) and we kind of chat and lo and behold, he’s actually a pretty chill guy? nice enough to talk to. to the point where I tell my friends this (we all sit together down at the front) and I shock both FS and HS when I see them around and say hi (after HS and I spend a hospital shift together on NICU). more importantly, in that clin. skills session, me and HS are meant to “watch [FS] closely” to give feedback and I notice that this dude’s legs are absolutely insane, sculpted out of effing marble, and that same day, he’s happy to whip off his shirt (we’re doing resp. exams) and keep it off as he talks to someone. and I see he has a scar on his shoulder and ofc bc ME I’m like “omg sO PRETTY AND CLEAN” and he lets me basically play around with his weird af shoulder (old injury, post-surgery) as he chats to one of our tutors and I’m chatting to another tutor about the scarring. and he smells clean and he’s not super sculpted, as one would expect, but he’s lean in a natural, soft kinda way and i’m like okay, cool. and we chat a little and he’s nice about me not having a science background and w/e.

weeks go by, we say hi every now and then. then I slowly become obsessed with his legs.

it’s a slow process but the boy keeps walking into lectures, right by my seat to get to his, and he wears shorts and seriously... l e g s. but I’m wary of this so I’m happy to objectify him and for a time it works; idgaf if he notices (he doesn’t) and my friends find it hilarious, but I tell them I’m not interested in anything above the neck (or really, anything that isn’t thighs down) bc happy to stare and not know a thing about his personality thank you very much.

... I go out of my way to stand by that. and then, in a particularly shitty lecture one day, as I’m contemplating trying a psych shift, I realise the only person I know of who’s done what I’m interested in is... FS.

I decide fuck it, I’ll just message and ask - no being polite or friendly, straight to the point bc it’s work and I’m not there to open a door (even though, and I tell the girls this, by opening up messaging I feel like I am). this causes a non-stop 45min FB chat - I mean non-stop - and he’s hilarious. super hilarious. he’s also flirting w/ me and whilst I know this is all bc he’s FS (and I tell him so - he finds it v. funny), it’s a fun convo and it’s harmless and I reckon he’s just playing up bc we’re both bored.

... things escalate quickly.

we message back and forth a lot - he’s very quick and sharp, so he keeps up w/ me easily, but I’m treating him as I would anyone else. this lasts a while, but he keeps flirting and I keep telling him he’s a moron and eventually say if he keeps it up I’m just going to treat him like a psych experiment.

... I assume him continuing means he knows i’m being serious.

he becomes my psych experiment. lots of things being studied, including E and stuff from my dissertation etc etc and although at this point I know we’re embroiled in a weird power struggle, I stop giving a fucks because hey, he’s an experiment to me and i’m an unofficial therapist for him, right? win win. i don’t NEED to give a fuck about how it comes across.

2 weeks later, i’m sitting in the library while he’s at home, and we end up arguing over FB. he starts off polite but it quickly becomes i’m being intrusive, messaging him a lot, etc; why can’t I treat him like Aussie Essex (Blonde Pop’s housemate and my friend, as well as FS’) aka a normal friend and I’m like “lol but we’re not friends”, which we’ve both acknowledged before, but my stance is: I know things about him bc I asked specific things bc psychoanalysis. He doesn’t know anything about me. Friendship is mutual, that isn’t. basically I’m like “look, i’m sorry, have a nice life” in nicer words (bc I’m lost bc in my mind - I TOLD him he was a psych experiment??) and he’s all “what so you’re going to ignore me forever now haha” in not so many words and I’m like ???, but when he doesn’t respond, i’m like cool, we’re dead to each other, fine.

the girls notice how fucking ICE COLD we are w/ each other when we’re in the common room, though we wouldn’t normally talk, and Trout (not indicative of her face; a girl we both know, a member of the School - aka the group of girls who worship FS and his friends in my year, they have literally sat at FS’ feet before - who at this point, has been watching me and FS for a while) gets smug. bear in mind, after that first FB chat, I was throwing an event as co-president of the trauma society and was making the rounds around the common room to see who was coming and, after some initial back and forth, I commanded FS to come and he was like “fuck OKAY. okay? shit yes, okay” (he didn’t come and was meant to help me get numbers, but he fucked that too. idk if it was deliberate. it was a success anyway tho so w/e) and Trout was all ?!?!?! because she watches FS like a hawk and so he and I talking clearly confused her

but then a few days later he sees me sitting alone in lectures where I don’t usually sit and he’s like “morning Hannah” and, too shocked to do anything else, I auto-reply “morning [FS]” and just like that we’re okay again?

after the fight, I message him once - a silly message in a lecture by a 1st world Barbie - to test his reaction to the lecture more than anything else, but he doesn’t reply, which I suspected, but after that... no FB. I refuse to break that rule.

BUT I do grab him a couple of times when he walks by my seat in the break; I apologise face-to-face after he says hi and he apologises for the misunderstanding regarding the argument (he may have said hi after that?? idk) and he basically demands we’re friends and I’m like yeah whatever sure pal

but then he walks in one day wearing a beanie just like E’s and I. i just. it becomes a thing. i have a really cute bobble hat I wear every day bc our lecture theatre is colder than the Arctic fucking circle and so as I joke about him competing, I’m really freaking out bc that’s when I realise just how MUCH he reminds me of E. this hat becomes a Thing. I grab it one time and threaten to keep it hostage with Blonde Pop in front of all of his friends and they look at me like I’m insane, confused, lost at how I, a Front Row Person, dares to challenge FS. I’m literally in high school again.

aware of that, I die it down... and long story short, somehow, FS starts saying hi more and more in the morning and we have these mini chats (once the hat thing dies down), but it’s really tiny.

then I fuck up my wrist.

it pisses me off bc he’s clearly curious but doesn’t ask and I’m like “further proof we’re not friends” to myself but by this point, so much little shit has happened that all of my friends know what’s going on (lbr they did anyway) and his School are aware of me too - but OH - so there was this med school ball thing and we both went and that’s when I got more E vibes and I was like “fuck this” bc the more I avoided it the more it was happening and he was avoiding me and so AFTER that I was like “fuck this” and planned on ignoring him but that just... didn’t happen (I’m omitting so much of the finer details).

so yeah, he’s annoying me about my wrist bc he’s eavesdropping when I talk to my friend about it, but... nothing? so I’m like w/e fuck this dude and by this point, as an accidental by product of me being pissed with him at the ball (and myself), I’m dealing with some other male Situations and it’s pissing me off 

bUT then exam week arrives and we have a really lovely chat before anatomy and he’s being all sweet and friendly and the School is confused and HS is confused (HS is perpetually confused when it comes to me and FS, which is odd, bc otherwise we’re pretty chill w/ each other) but at this point something doesn’t feel right bc I’m good w/ body language, right? communication, esp non-verbal, is my thing. and he’s being weird.

then I come home for the weekend to get my wrist seen to and Blonde Pop goes out with everyone else to celebrate exams being over (I leave with 2 of my other friends right after) and FS sees Blonde Pop, who he’s spoken to bc of me enough times now, and he asks where I am - and that’s weird bc we NEVER have spoken in a social setting so I’m like??

we get back; he stops before lectures and comments on my temporary cast (fracture clinic appointment tomorrow guys, prayer circle) and says something like “oh, well it’s good it’s completely immobilised” (30mins later i realise why this bothered me; he’s quoted me directly from when he was eavesdropping on me and my friend discussing the injury accidentally, and I’m like aHA I KNEW IT) and I make a flippant comment about yeah, but it’s not great for getting dressed in the morning and he’s like “oh, I’ll help you get dressed” and I look at him like wtf bc lol he’s such a moron but also ??? but then he sees Kelly and bolts, though he was laughing too and trying to justify that comment (badly) and for perspective, I tell Kelly and she immediately picks up my phone to see it and I’m like no, this just happened in person and she’s like what the actual fUCK bc that is not the level FS and I are in person so it’s not just me ok

and then later I see him sitting with Aussie Essex and when I go to speak to AE he’s like “hi??” and me, not hearing him but seeing him watching me, am all flippantly like “oh hey” and carry on but it throws me tf off bc we’ve had our one convo of the day inside the lecture theatre and this is getting weird and i’m immediately like ?? did he sit with Aussie Essex knowing I’d say hi? wtf?

then it’s the end of term pub quiz collecting money for charity (I’m using so much ‘then’, it’s disgusting and u can see i’m not in writer mode) and my gut tells me to avoid FS bc he’s leaving after lectures the next day but everyone is like wtf no come, it’ll be chill, so I do, and it’s fine, and he’s there and right in my line of vision but i’m like w/e w/e and we kinda say hi but it’s in passing and at this point, I’m on good terms with like... the majority of the guys in his little gang (he lives with 4 of them, so I’m polite to all of them on some level) and so when HS is introducing me to his gf, it’s fine... until he’s like “oh btw I forgot to tell you - this is [FS’] girl”

??????????????????

things escalate quickly. first FS sends me hearts, I flip him off, then he starts talking and I can’t hear so I go over and that’s when I get fucking ambushed by his housemate, who I only have spoken to once or so but know his gf but will hereby be known as Buttface... about how they’ve all (FS’ friends) given every girl on each row a percentage of how much they think that girl fancies FS. I’ve scored one of the highest - 73%, alongside another girl with a slight reputation (no judgement) who has been all over FS the majority of the night so far.

the more I defend myself, the more Buttface claims that’s proof of it being true (as a lit grad, do you know how much that logic offends me???) and FS only repeats that he wasn’t a part of the convo, it was only about him so not to blame him. but he listens smugly. things escalate. i’m ashamed to admit i’m so thrown off that i am not my best and as things continue to escalate, i feel too blindsided to do what I want to (though I do half-slap FS once bc I can’t fully slap him in a room full of our course w/o Drama, and though I go to spill a drink on him twice, everyone stops me) and it’s a mess and once it’s over, i’m raging and have to leave. a lot of people stay out though, so half of the lecture is too hungover the next day... so I don’t see FS and that week, we broke off for Xmas break. but before i left, I nudged HS and was like “wtf so you and your house talk about me a lot...” (literally aLL OF FS’ housemates are familiar w/ the topic) and HS is like “nah, I reckon he fancies YOU” and I know HS is a shit stirrer so it pisses me off more

Blonde Pop is raging for me. Broski is like “meh, men”, though Percival takes offence at the shitty logic; but Deej and Cap (who I travelled with) are like lol what this is a victory. in the power struggle, you’re winning. he doesn’t think we know about all of this; but you’re clearly important enough for all of his housemates to know your name. Lulu and Dragon Jock see me the next day; I make Lulu give me a hug bc I’m like “am I giving off hoe vibes??” and Lulu, who is soft and smiley and a cinnamon roll, is all “nO IT’S LAD CULTURE AND IT’S RUBBISH” and it’s very cute and defensive of me and Dragon Jock is just like “lol i’ll hit ‘em”. which is nice.

general consensus is to ignore the fuck outta him come going back in 2 weeks but?? idk if I can? it’s not that simple bc we have the rest of the course together and I know that he’ll act like everything’s fine and if i say why i’m pissed, Buttface will use that as ‘proof’ (rather than me being horrified at their audacity, I mean CHRIST ON A STICK) and if I don’t, it’s still proof... Broski says this won’t go away anytime soon bc of that reason but that isn’t satisfactory either

and like i clearly try to blend into the bg to avoid drama and now i’m like? why bother?? when we all went for takeout in our last night in Swans before heading home, Cap was like “i find it hilarious how you have so much drama around you” and when I was all “i sit in my room and watch Netflix tho??”, he was like “... that’s why it’s hilarious” and tbh yes, but not in a funny way, in more of a dAMN IT way

fuck blending? it makes no difference? hence me accepting my femininity, bc... screw everyone else, I’ll do what the fuck I want 

but yeah. that’s the latest.

also, in slapping him, i felt his stubble and that was not the one.

berate me freely, go forth...

[the-astral-clocktower]

do all the questions !!

All the questions? Sure, why not? Insomnia is making me its bitch anyway1: How did you choose your name?- originally I was gonna go with Lilith from Borderlands 2 because yes please to her entire aesthetic, but I decided to go with the more "normal person" name Maria. Partly because of the lead singer of In This Moment, Maria Brink (absolutely gorgeous, phenomenal singer, and the Black Widow album helped inspire me to live true to myself), and Lady Maria from Bloodborne (she's got a Tragic Backstory, feel disconnected from family due to traditions/ environment, and has regrets about who sent was). All in all, one is a person I admire to be like and the other feels like I'm looking in a mirror. Both are also women with blonde hair and I think I look damn good as a blonde2: What gives you the most dysphoria? -Facial/ body hair3: Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?- Most of the time, physical dysphoria. Social dysphoria still gets to me because I'm not out to my family and everyone in that group refer to me with childhood nicknames/ my "(grand) son/ nephew." 4: What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?- Shower, shave, lie in bed and dissociate while playing mindless games on my phone 5: What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?- this is actually a hard one for me to answer. I was (in a weird/ sad reality) really sheltered as a kid, in the sense that I didn't even know transgender people were a thing until High School. I think part of it started when I began playing runescape in middle school; I chose a female avatar and went with a generic female name whenever someone in game asked for it. For some reason, I really enjoyed being addressed like that but chocked it up to being like 12. Similar thoughts came up again in HS when I was told on several occasions and by several people that I'd make a pretty girl; again, I took it as a compliment and it made me feel really good about myself. Other times were also when I was asked "what would you do if you suddenly woke up as a girl?" my answer was usually "go back to sleep and go try on cute clothes" and also being super jealous of girls at school dances (wanting to wear the gorgeous dresses/ heels/ makeup)6:When did you realize you were transgender?- January of 2014, when I had read on Tumblr about Leelah Alcorn. It was extremely depressing to read her letter and diary entries about her personal life; while reading everything, I kept realizing that I felt almost exactly the same way she did, and by extension that I was also trans7: What is your favorite part of being transgender?- just being able to feel comfortable in my own skin, and also getting to wear all the cute shit I wanted to in HS8: How would you explain your gender identity to others?- the people I have come out to, I simply as them not to use he/him pronouns because I outright don't identify as such. It's pretty simple9: How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?- at first, I only told people when we were able to talk 1 on 1. As I've gotten more comfortable with my identity, I gladly come out to people that I'm comfortable around. I still need to come out at work which I'm avoiding for 2 reasons. The first is that I don't know how open-minded/ accepting my coworkers/ boss are; the second being that I want to get on hormones so that there's no turning back on what I say and how I feel10: What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?- haven't done anything with breast forms yet, probably gonna be uncomfortable though 11: What are your experiences with binding or tucking?- tucking is a hassle in general. It either falls apart quickly, or I ended up sitting down or walking wrong and hurting myself. 12: Do you pass?- I highly doubt it atm13: What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?- optimally I want the full 9 yards. Hrt, permanent hair removal, SRS, and possibly feminizing facial surgery 14: How long have you been out?- I'd say close to 3 years15: What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?- only he/him and that's due to being oblivious for so long16: Have you ever experienced transphobia?- yes. A lot of internalized transphobia; but there have been a few times where someone will show me something they find funny, and it turns out to be in extremely poor taste17: What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?- I prefer gender neutral bathrooms, so I ended up holding it in for longer than I should18: How does your family feel about your trans identity?- don't know for sure, but probably gonna get disowned to some degree19: Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?- I don't plan on being 100% stealth, but I'm also not going to hide anything out of fear. Kinda like Don't Ask Don't Tell, I'll answer truthfully, but I won't go out of my way to explain it all20: What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?- "you know those weird thoughts to get from being addressed as a girl and the happy butterflies in your gut? Roll with it, tell someone that you want to see a Dr about it. Be prepared for a ton of BS, it'll be worth it in the end. Stay strong, kid"21: Why do you use the pronouns you use?- mix of "why should I be addressed by something that makes me feel like shit?" and "fuck off with this binary shit"22: Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?- maybe, I think my gender compounded the divergences that were already there 23: What’s your biggest trans-related fear?- safety. So many trans people are attacked and killed that it makes me hesitant to even bother. But I'm known for being stubborn and having a devil may care attitude 24: What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?- I've come out to 90% of my friends and I've got a therapist that's willing to write me a letter of recommendation to get me started on HRT. I'm currently looking for a DR in the North Tx area anyone knows one25: What do you wish cis people understood?- gender identity =/ sexual orientation 26: What impact has being trans affected your life?- it's made me rethink how I view issues in the world, but also more cynical 27: What do you do to validate yourself?- look at my ugly mug and the mirror after a hot shower and say "you're a boss and bitch, don't let up now"28: How do you feel about trans representation in media?- we need significantly more accurate portrayals29: Who is your favorite trans celebrity?- off the top of my head, I only know of Laverne Cox, so she's #1 by default 30: Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?- Leelah Acorn, the tragedy of her death allowed me to realize why I was so miserable for so long 31: How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?- not much, if at all. I'm not super big on communities but that's only due to trust and self image issues 32: How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?- hopefully full femme made and keeping NB/ trans femme33: What trans issue are you most passionate about?- my mind is 100% here ATM because it's 4am, so I can't think of anything other than wanting HRT to be more accessible to people instead of having to jump through hoops 34: What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?- safety first, pride in oneself second35: How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?- I personally don't think it does but that's only because I'm a white person in the 20s36: What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?- none at all37: Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?- fem/ neither 38: What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?- only interested in women and NB people. In my head, I like the theory of being with a guy, but feel no sexual attraction to them39: Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?- no preference40: How did/do you manage waiting to transition?- think to myself "next paycheck, I'm gonna find a Dr and get this train moving"41: What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?- google, tumblr and reddit42f Do you interact with other trans people IRL?- got a friend that I used to work with at pizza hit who's a trans guy. You know who you are ^.^43: Are you involved in any trans-related activism?- not really, but I do want to get involved

[jeneelestrange]

LGBT & Allies, Please Read and Advise

A young man came into our work today, asking about a job. This isn’t unusual. We only take applications online. I haven’t ever heard of them saying it is possible for them to do so in the store--we have no paper application, but we do have several computers(it’s also possible to so so on a smartphone, just takes forever). 

He said he couldn’t do so unless he asked his sister and mother, and the relationship with them was...strained, and he was wary of making it any worse when that was most of what he had right now. I suggested he walk to the library, and he said the only library was downtown and he could only go on foot(I live a town away but commute, but don’t know the local area). THEN, I notced the way he looked. His hair was braided(he was black) in a way that was androgynous. His fingernails were painted pink. He wore a women’s baseball top with “Girly” written on it. He seemed scared, hopeful, yet determined.

Then I realized. He’s probably trans. His parents probably kicked him out because of it. He’s probably staying with a friend, probably an LGBT friend, but who is likely as poor as he is. He may not be able to stay there long. I waited until my manager was out of earshot and whispered to him that the hiring manager was normally here 9-4:30 on the weekdays. It isn’t explicitly against rules to do this, but it certainly isn’t encouraged--and I’m known to follow that rule to a tee. Then I did what I thought was a good test--I said, “Good luck, Sir. Please come back again,” and he was openly happy but he visibly flinched at “Sir.” 

My cashier supervisor was there and was incredulous, but after(what I will now refer to as she)left, I explained to her my suspicions. She immediately seemed to understand my reasoning. She’s dealing with her own internal drama right now, I’m incredibly well-liked, so she’s unlikely to tell anyone I did that. *If* she is “taking us for a ride” like she first said(which happens a LOT in a local hardware chain omg), then that’s a DUMB CON. It’s a tiny po-dunk town in the Deep South. HOWEVER, there are several LGBT people working here who are relatively open(Derrian is young but universally respected for hard work, and they are either a butch lesbian or trans, and they likely went to the same HS a few years older than said trans applicant) and Sally & Kayla(who are both wlw and together, and are related to other people in the store AND are reliable and have been there for years)--and a new driver whose name I don’t know yet who kind of doesn’t care that much and doesn’t seem to be working out all that well.  I think she knew this was her best shot within walking distance. She said she had come to ask a few times before. 

NOW, whether they’ll let her use the computer in the store, I don’t know(I THINK it would be possible). Whether we technically have an opening, I don’t know(we have a Garden Center Loader who SUCKS and looks like a drug addict and is on a monthly probation which I’ve never seen them do before--HOWEVER, he is VERY slowly improving, he is related to a long-standing but also kinda lazy other employee, and I have told my manager that according to my professional former teacher opinion he needs to be re-evaluated for a learning disability and get an occupational therapist, otherwise he’s likely doomed here). Our store is VERY lenient with workers who screw up. So I have NO IDEA what they will do.

I am going to tell the cashier supervisor who saw me talk to him that, if she sees her, that the supervisor needs to tell them to go see me in garden center. I don’t normally have cash on me, but I may hide the majority of my birthday money in my sock to give to him--possibly each day for a couple of days until I see him. I might also put my phone on me that day so he can sit and fill out the application online--and though it’s against the rules, I am the ONLY cashier who NEVER has her phone on me. I also am going to advice him to buy a track phone, and give him my number and name, while telling him that I can’t take calls all the time but I can get back to any left messages or texts. I also just looked up the local LGBT chapter for my town on Facebook and will be joining their newsletter, then asking them for help and advice. I may have to tell a few lies of omission to my husband because, though he’s as understanding as I am, he’s also a bit more mistrustful than me in general and just plain would be protective of me with any stranger. Within reasonable ability--not substantially diminishing my money, relationships with my immediate family, or the same, I am looking for as many more options as I can to help her. I DON’T EVEN KNOW HER NAME, just that she’s within walking distance of my store(there’s a nearby apartment complex.  Edit: If anyone happens to have local resources, I live in South Louisiana, about two hours from New Orleans and an hour from Baton Rouge. I am willing to meet in any relatively safe public place to manage. I am also reasonably active in the local Indivisible group. ANY advice is welcome. SERIOUSLY.

[catchsukiyuuri]

little rant bc i can’t talk to anyone else

tw: suicide mention i guess. i’ve never attempted i just think about it. also anxiety, depression, and sex mentions 

anyway that was probably unnecessary bc i know no one reads anything i post but i just wanted to vent a little and i don’t know who i can talk to. 

i bet all these complaints will sound petty to everyone because in theory my life should be perfect, so i get a lot of shit about how i should be grateful and how my problems are so first-world or whatever. they are, i know, so if you want to tell me that, please don’t... i don’t really need it right now. or actually, if you told me that, i’d probably be happy that someone read through one of my posts??? 

now it just sounds like i’m an attention-wh*re, which i am, so i can’t even deny it 

anyway i’ll make a nice numbered list for easier reading 

1. i’m a freshman in college in the US 

2. i was rejected from every school i applied to, save 2: a school more expensive than it’s worth, and my safety: the state school that everyone at my competitive high school considered “safety”

3. in reality it’s not a bad school, and i got a decent scholarship 

4. according to a chart i found of SAT score to scholarship, based on my SAT score i should have gotten a higher scholarship and that makes me salty even if my scholarship was decent 

5. i’m about to lose my scholarship because i don’t think i did well enough this semester 

6. (i could rant about my classes here... but i won’t to save some space) 

7. my parents and older brother (who essentially is like a third parent due to our age gap) will give me a lot of shit for losing my scholarship 

8. i have trouble being interested in course material and the one thing i wanted to learn was environmental science (which my parents shit on me for, but that’s another story) 

9. i took 2 environmental courses this semester and didn’t do well enough in them, and i wasn’t interested in them, so i guess i’m not interested in anything 

10. not only am i not interested, i’m generally just a not-interesting lump. i have no party tricks or fun facts and icebreakers fucking suck 

11. my high school friends all still talk to each other on a daily basis, but not to me 

12. high school friend A goes to the same school as me and lives in the same dorm building as me. high school friend B goes to school across the country and these two friends still talk all the time (one of them told me on the rare chance we talked). friend A pretty much never talks to me despite the fact we live in the same building. 

13. high school friend C goes to the same school as my long distance boyfriend. she visited my school once without telling me and went partying with friend A 

14. i have never been to a party or had alcohol or any drugs. i know that it’s not for everyone, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, whatever. part of me still feels like i’m missing out. sometimes i want to get wild, but i don’t want to do anything that would make my bf unhappy 

15. to be clear: bf says it’s ok if i go to parties, i just don’t want to do anything wrong. 

16. i have been diagnosed with anxiety/depression. i was in intensive outpatient care for about 2 months. i am taking medication. 

17. the facility i went to said i would not be charged any money and that my insurance covered everything. they are now sending bills to my parents’ house

18. my parents fight a lot and that’s another problem of its own. they always seem like on the edge of divorce 

19. my bf does not understand anxiety/depression. he is not good at listening to me and i can’t even critique him bc he doesn’t believe me and thinks he’s already being fair. he makes me feel selfish for not thinking about our future together and the future family we’ll have, etc etc, for burdening him and worrying him with my suicidal thoughts. he asks things like aren’t i cured yet, should i just take more medication, i have to stop venting about my suicidal thoughts because it’s manipulative and i’m threatening him 

20. i really just wanted to vent, that’s all. i’m sorry. everything eventually turns into i’m sorry, and i’ve brought up him being manipulative before but he has a way of turning me into being in the wrong every time 

21. i can’t tell anymore if i’m wrong, he’s wrong, what’s right what’s wrong, anything. 

22. i tried to express wanting a female best friend to my bf and he’s just kinda brushing off my concerns, saying he never had a friend like that, that i’ll find friends better than my hs friends in college 

23. but it’s been a year of college and finding friends is hard, especially people that jive with me bc i’m kinda just a depressed little shit. 

24. whenever i complain about schoolwork to bf he can’t sympathize because he’s in med school and his work is so much harder, so it just devolves into me comforting him. then later he’ll apologize and say he was just touchy from not sleeping etc 

25. i had vaginismus and that severely depleted my self esteem for a while. i felt worthless and less than human.

26. i just want a really close friend who i can talk to about everything without being judged. my boyfriend judges me for suicide. my current friends would judge me about sex. no one can help me feel better about my grades. my brother wants to be there for me, but he judges me too and tells me off for not being a better daughter to my parents. 

27. i’ve talked to a few friends in hs about everything before, but they eventually cut me off and i have to switch to another person to burden 

28. i don’t mind comforting people too. i know i’m not the best at it bc i’m not good at anything but i would gladly comfort someone for some comfort in return 

29. i just want to be a Good Person (TM) 

30. sometimes ppl will say i can talk to them about anything, but we don’t really talk on a regular basis and i don’t want to burden them with all my stupid shit. 

31. i do have a therapist but she’s pretty old and i’ve told her about most things except i can’t fully articulate my undying love for yuri on ice and that’s like, core to my existence ever since i watched it

32. i’ve been so desperate for friends i’ve messaged a few random people on tumblr trying to talk to them and make internet friends. i’m really jealous of people who have large networks of internet friends and seem close to internet people and then meet them irl or whatever. people who say they’re married to each other and stuff. that feels even more precious than a romantic relationship (and i’m afraid to tell this to my bf, who would probably feel betrayed) 

33. i’m so shitty at life i can’t even make internet friends? wow :,) 

anyway thanks for reading if you somehow got this far. i hope you have a wonderful day!!!

[vanishcd]

92 TRUTHS TAG GAME

rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose 25 people to tag!

tagged by  @saevacorvum

TAGGING:  @hastodosomething, @piaememoriae, @shrinemade, @volatilehearted and anyone else who wants to (lol I’m too lazy to tag 25 individual people)

LAST… [1] drink: Coca cola [2] phone call: my therapist [3] text message: “we’d walk down a red carpet in thoe dresses like the badasses we are” [4] song you listened to: Inferno by Drop Anchor [5] time you cried: like last night, watching a video of a little girl being surprised with a kitten

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: no [7] been cheated on: no [8] kissed someone and regretted it: no [9] lost someone special: yes [10] been depressed: um. yes. [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: no

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS: [12] any shade of blue [13] silver [14] burgundy

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yes [16] fallen out of love: no [17] laughed until you cried: yes [18] found out someone was talking about you: yup [19] met someone who changed you: no [20] found out who your true friends are: yes [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: no

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them, since they’re from my hs classes [23] do you have any pets: yup, a cat [24] do you want to change your name: eh. I go by my middle name online and my first irl. Wanted to change it to “Chloe Janine” as a kid, kinda still do, but not enough to actually do it. [25] what did you do for your last birthday: went out to dinner with my grandma and parents [26] what time did you wake up: 9:30 am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: writing an rp reply  [28] name something you cannot wait for: idk honestly. moving out of this house? [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: 2 minutes ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my inability to socialize [31] what are you listening to right now: a future garage mix [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: don’t think so [33] something that is getting on your nerves: the hot weather [34] most visited website: tumblr, lol (or youtube) [35] elementary: nah [36] high school: homeschooled / co-op homeschool group [37] college: a lot of them tbh [38] hair colour: reddish-gold/medium brown [39] long or short hair: long [40] do you have a crush on someone: only on tv stars and fictional characters lol [41] what do you like about yourself?: my ability to reason and analyze, my writing skills, that I keep my nails flawlessly painted and coordinated with events [42] piercings: just one in each ear

[43] blood type: uh no [44] nickname: Vic, Eevee [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: Pisces  [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: Teen Wolf, Grey’s Anatomy, Castle, Young Justice, Orphan Black [49] tattoos: none, but I want Scott’s or a wolf and a fox [50] right or left handed: right

FIRST… [51] surgery: never had one [52] piercing: ears, at 11 [53] best friend: a girl from my hs classes [55] vacation: idk, we dont take normal family vacations [56] pair of trainers: ?? as in shoes? is thi something people keep track of?

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: nothing [58] drinking: soda [59] i’m about to: watch GTLive [60] listening to: future garage mix [61] waiting for: dinner [62] want: a comfy place to write [63] get married: lol no, I’m still in college [64] career: vet tech, always

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: depends, both tend to be my fav features on someone [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older [69] romantic or spontaneous: romantic [70] nice arms or nice stomach: stomach [71] sensitive or loud: loud, lol [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: somewhere in the middle tbh

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? no [75] drank hard liquor? no [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? never lost my glasses, but I lose contacts all the time [77] turned someone down: no [78] sex on first date?: lol no [79] broken someone’s heart?: no idea. possibly [80] had your own heart broken?: yes [81] been arrested?: no [82] cried when someone died?: yes [83] fallen for a friend: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? sometimes [85] miracles? yes [86] love at first sight? maybe [87] santa claus? nope [88] kiss on the first date? yes [89] angels? yes

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: I have like 4 best friends sooo [91] eye colour: blue [92] favourite movie: too many to count. The first Narnia or Oculus are the first things that pop into my head

[beautifulcatastrophe3]

4 days discharged from Reasons

Update:

So, on my blogs im going to be %100 truthful and brutally honest and not lie to myself and think that everything is okay and lie to myself when things really aren’t. They second i got home i weighed myself and i did not like number that i saw on the scale and i was completely disgusted. i wasnt at all shocked though because i felt it in my clothes, i felt it in my skin, and my mind was telling me that i had gained and unacceptable and disappointing amount of weight and i never doubt it for a second. Although, as i tried to adhere to my eating schedule the Reasons Residential has set; it was quickly shot done by the new rules that i had to abide and that totally cancelled out my HS snack because i was not allowed to eat after to 6pm the kitchen was closed at that times and i had to start cooking my dinner at 1600hr (4pm) and be eating it at 1700hrs. It was ridiculous my lunch hour was pretty much the only thing that stayed the same and my breakfast was the same. I was given no time to transition and i even asked for the time as i was woken up at 0600 to dragged on an exercise expedition that i didnt even ask to go on or had no prior commitment to going or knowing about but they said the it was in their routine and all of a sudden i had to fall in to their “ routine” and i didnt even get to create my own or even get time to transition and even unpack. So, making me do 3 miles, not to mention then also making comments that is i continue to do walks like this that i can tone up and wont have to feel as bad about myself. Of course, as soon as i got home they commented on my body weight and how they like my weight better this way and how me being that skinny was gross and i looked to sickly. I immediately told her that i hated my body and that i missed that body weight and i wanted to lose 20lbs and i couldnt even fit any of my clothes now and i look horrible in anything that i wear now. She replied with the response i expected and assumed she would say, which was; oh, you like fine and you dont need to lose any weight just tone up with some weights and im down to lose 10lbs with you;”

That was because i told her i wanted to lose 10lbs so she said okay… uhm, like i just haven’t got out an eating disorder residential and inpatient facility for 6months with beginners kidney damage.. its just like she doesnt get it or comprehend the fact of my eating disorder and its complication and severeness. My Anorexia will take any loop hole it can take to try to get away with things especially with trying to not eat and and to lose weight.

So, here’s where the confessions come in at. The first day i purged. i was late for lunch because i was i still driving up home.

Confession 2 i started diet pills and laxatives again i found my stash again. Im just so desperate to lose weight and get back to a weight thats acceptable and that wont trigger me every fucking time i take a shower, get dress, look in a damn mirror, or see myself in a damn picture.

Confession 3: i returned back into my over-exercising phase again. I glad woke up with my parents in the morning at 0600hrs to actually do the 3miles hell, why not. Then after i did a 30min session of yoga a 10 session of stretching for a cool down. Today June 9, 2017 i did 11miles. Yeah i walked to my friends house instead of taking the bus just for the exercise it took about 3hrs to get there in about 83 to 85 degree weather and i got my runners and high. i honestly loved it while i kept disassociating in out almost the whole time; imagine different fucking scenarios in my head, fucking flashbacks, shitty stuff, wishing i would of stay at Reasons and about how fucked up my life is about to become going this another relapse.. Fuck and i dont even have a therapist yet and my psychiatrist is in the process; orientation is next friday June 16th and 1400hrs. S so hopefully can switch my psychiatrist to someone else other than doctor Chahal.

Confession 4: I only bought diet food and now dinners foods on purpose because i was planning on not eating dinner. I tried and did avoid eating with them so i can say that i ate when i really didnt or just restrict a little. So, i ended i stopped eating and i dont even the protein bars that i even bought but i will be utilizing them later.

Confession 5 i have lost 10 lbs already relapsing and doing my unhealthy behaviors. Apart of me wants to feel guilty but the ED part of me is so proud and just so addicted to the losing a weight and just encouraging me to stay on track and keep going. Im just ambivalent and just once again stuck at a crossroad that i thought that i had made a decision and chosen a direction already. Truth is, i dont know what i want and i pretend that i do, i pretend that in all put together, i know what i want, and i got my goals and dreams in mind to achieve; but holy fuck i am a wreck and i just want to break down!!!! im tired of being the strong one around here taking care of everyone else which dont take it the wrong one i care for everyone and i dont mind giving advice and being there for them. It just that i feel like i have no support so i turn to my eating disorder which i personified as a female named; Promise. Promise is the one i always turn to for support and thats acting in all the negating behaviors leading to, well you know what…

Confession 6 This is the most challenging, heart breaking, and disappointing things to confess and admit. I really dont want to type this right now. Please, just DM message me because theirs is alot of people who still dont know about this.

Okay, that is all for now ill try to keep updating daily. Sorry i didnt update for the few day i was getting settled in. Pray for me, as i am currently relapsed and fighting for recovery..

EscapingTheCage (Essence)