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confessions-of-a-blogger · 3 years

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Karma, or bollocks?

I wanted to write what's happened in my life for a while, well, my adult life. I find writing very therapeutic and something I have enjoyed doing since I was 13, so 16 years now.

I haven't found the need too, but now, I do.

It's going to paint myself in a bad light, or a good light, you can judge I am fine with that, I have lived with these choices for a long time, some more recently fair to say.

In the words of Nickelback 'Something's gotta go wrong cos I'm feeling way too damn good'

I always say out of every negative, and there can be alot, there is a least one positive. I hope by the end of this, I find that positive.

So the beginning, kind of. October 2012.

I was with a girl, but went to America for a month with my best friend at the time. He used to live there and I came into a bit of money, always wanted to go to the states, and had the most wonderful month.

About 2 weeks in I got a scent that something was happening between my partner and someone else, and I was right. I snooped on her Facebook inboxes, and found she had been talking to a girl, more than talking really, flirting, saying she wish she could be with her, the usual jazz. Which, I had done myself previously, and I deserved it to happen to me. I jumped from relationship to relationship for years, my therapist said it was because I didn't feel loved by my mum after years of abuse, I always went from woman to woman to find the love, and I agreed.

When I came back, I was expecting to break up with her, but I was about to look after my friends dog in his flat for an unknown period of time, and she had told her mum this, so her mum kicked her out.

With nowhere to live, I felt like it was now my responsibility, so we spoke and worked on things.

A few months down the line, she fell pregnant, and I was over the moon. I always wanted the family life, even after the red flag, but unfortunately she miscarried.

Then things changed slightly. Controlling behaviour, both our heads in the wrong places, still trying to hold a relationship together, and of course still sleeping together, and she fell pregnant, again.

This time I was at fault, I didn't wanna be with her, and I figured she was going through my phone, so I left her things to find so we could break up.

Then I felt horrible. I left my pregnant partner. Regardless of if I wanted to be with them, I should not of done that, at that time, so we got back together, and she miscarried, again.

2 back to back nearly killed us both off. So I made it clear I didn't want to try again and she went onto the pill.

Which she then stopped taking, and on her highest ovulation day she got me drunk, we fucked, and she fell pregnant a third time.

Not wanting to make the same mistake, I stayed. For a while. The thought that someone just went behind my back to get pregnant after I made it clear I couldn't cope with another miscarriage brewed. I had already struggled with mental health from the years of abuse by my mum, I didn't want to go through a third and come out alot worse.

We got to 12 weeks, and everything was okay with baby, but I knew I needed out. It was a massive betrayal of trust, and I could no longer trust her.

Her birthday came up, then Christmas and New year, so I didn't act on this, I didn't want to cause more stress and miscarry again.

In Jan 2014, after a month of just basically both of us talking to other people, I ended it, and a month later I was with someone else. Needless to say, it wasnt a good thing. I felt like I was being blackmailed by my ex to do all these things just so I could see my unborn. I always wanted children, and said I would do anything to see them as often as possible.

In May that child was born, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. The blackmail continued and in August it all came out that I had been essentially having an affair, not that I wanted it, and that caused strain on my relationship at the time. I was wrong, very very wrong to do what I did, and should of stood my ground, but maybe the rest of this story will show you how hard that would of been.

Things were hard, I was being stopped from seeing my child as often as I liked, and it was a case of 'can you have her tomorrow' always at short notice, and always having to juggle work around that. When I couldn't change shifts at short notice, things got worse. Arguing on her side, emotional abuse, the works. Child as a weapon.

After a few months, I would say February 2015, contact turned very very minimal.

In March, my partner cheated on me twice, with the same person, but I loved her and accepted that as she accepted my actions the year before. And we moved passed it, even if it was on the anniversary of my mum's death.

A few more months down the line, the contact with my child stopped completely, and over the years no matter how hard I tried, for a while, I got nowhere.

My partner cheated on me a further 3 times, and in 2016 she left me for someone else. 7 weeks later we found out she was pregnant.

She told me she hadn't slept with the guy the first 2 weeks but she was 7 weeks pregnant. So we got back together. I was dating someone, someone I wanted to date for a while, but felt this was the right thing to do. If I had one chance to make it work I had to take it. I didn't miss an appointment, and I only just missed the birth. Then we did the DNA, and in the best Jeremey Kyle moment of all time, she told me she wanted a family with me regardless of the result, we would be a family and a day later, the DNA test showed that I was not the father.

I was okay for a few weeks, but I couldn't live with looking at a child that should be mine all the time whilst not being alllowed to see my own, once I said that, she left.

Then out of nowhere, my ex rings me, and I see my eldest for a while, a month or 2, before she got back with her fella and the contact stopped, again.

Then I lost my job, and had nothing. Time to rebuild, whilst being off sick for 3 years.

In that time I met someone, they were super nice and we had good times, but truthfully, I was still hung up on my ex for 2 years, and then I chose to settle. I hadn't had nice before, things were good. I thought I would finally grow to love her, and I did to some aspect, but I never fell in love.

Then one day, in February 2020, I walk into a shop and there she was. The person all these soppy love quotes are about, the person I dreamed of meeting since I was teenager, stood before my very eyes. At that point I knew I had to break up with my partner. If you look at someone else then you should not stay with the person you are with. I went in a further 3 times and every time all I could think was wow.

Then lockdown happened, and well, signs were there that my partner was pregnant. When lockdown ended in the summer, she came to mine, and low and behold, she was. 23 weeks pregnant.

We had one week to decide and we booked everything for an abortion, but, I was born at 24 weeks, so we both opted against it.

In September, I applied for a job at where the girl I always wanted to be with/find, and got it. At the same time, my partner gave birth.

I pushed my feelings to one side. They only grow when I think someone might be interested and that certainly wasn't the case. I now had a family to provide for, and that family life I always wanted with a nice, lovely, good looking girl, plus, the girl I liked and her bf both worked there, and I got on with both of them, so my feelings kind of disappeared to the back of my mind.

Then the job was made permanent, at a time when my relationship was failing, and over the course of a few months, things creeped in that made me unhappy, and I was so pissed off with myself that I just settled knowing it wasn't what I wanted. Stupid me, everything I wanted and got turned to dust, I thought being with someone nice meant that I would get the happy ending and a family life, but life doesn't work out like that.

But fate has its way sometimes. I had found my dream girl, I got the job, it was permanent, and out of all the people I worked with it was her I went to for advice, and it appeared we had similar thoughts, but also, we were both unhappy in our relationships to some extent, and I just got contact with my eldest again, for a while at least.

Then something amazing happened. She flirted. I couldn't believe it either, and then we became good friends, that helped each other out.

I spoke to my partner, told her I was unhappy, and we tried to work on it, but it got worse and my mind was made up. So I pretty much made it clear to the girl I worked with I liked her. I told her she was my type, and she seemed interested if i was gonna break up with my partner, and I was. Then I reacted to some pictures of her on her insta story, where she looked absolutely out of this world, and then suddenly we knew we had to break up with our partners.

She wanted to call a break but fate had its way again and they actually called things off, and so did I. Not to get with each other, but because we knew we were unhappy whilst being made happy by someone else. We had both checked out our relationship a while back, I guess we just forced each others hand.

Its not been a month, and I am crazy in love, but we aren't together, as much as I want that. We are taking things slow in terms of commitment and I am okay with that. I never thought I'd get this far. I only imagined we would go out on a works Christmas do or something and I might slide it in there how I feel, so the fact this all happened has been crazy.

Talking everyday, seeing each other often, and our first proper date coming up, and I am really living the dream.

But now, I haven't seen my eldest in months, and when I asked, she is 'too busy,' imagine if I said that.

Now I just get ignored often by both, and whilst I have had the month of my life, the bad is happening.

I'm now worrying its going to be 2 children I don't see, and that really would be karma for all the hurt I caused.

But at least I have you, my light in the dark times, you really really make me happy, and I have never felt like this before. Thank you for being there, and making me feel on top of the world.

Just to be shot back down by 2 people, ignoring, and making life difficult.

So is this karma, or is it bollocks.

#real life #venting

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berkcwitz · 4 years

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❛ ✶ ( madison beer, cisfemale, she/her ) spotted ! jalissa berkowitz was spotted singing along to find my way by dababy in hilton grove . you’ve heard of them right ? they are a twenty two year old pornographic actress / internet personality who has already amassed a net worth of 550m . you should really follow them on insta @callmejalissa , they’re about to hit 89m followers . the tabloids have been calling them the vixen because they are known for being whimsical but also a bit abrasive . though most people recognize them by a drunken gaze staring into the mirror as she holds finger guns to her head , a laugh too contagious , leaving notes in lipstick on bathroom mirrors & echoing of her mothers longtime disapproval . — ooc info ( mia. twenty. est. she/her. )

GUYYYSSSS ?! this group ? a masterpiece , wow . im hella excited to get to roleplay with you all . im mia by the way , im twenty ( i’ll be 21 in june what a vibe ) & i live in the est ( a clam chowder eating , dunkin donuts chugging , no Rs havin , boston sports loving new englander ). also i go by she/her pronouns ! i am going to be so honest with you guys . this intro is dummy long . like , i promise i will not judge you if you hmu asking for a quick synopsis of my girl because this shit below this cut ? is a novella & a half , sis . if im very honest i really just needed to flesh her out completely because she’s a new baby of mine ? and i wanted to make sure i really knew her before i put her out on the dash . im so anal about this , i know . anyways , before this little note section gets as long as the intro without further a do ? adu ? idfk ... here’s jalissa , she’s ... a piece of work . also if you'd prefer to plot on discord hmu @ 𝖒𝖌𝖐'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖊#9789 .

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐈𝐍 𝐃𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐇

full name: jalissa billie-jean berkowitz nickname: lissa , jals , jb , berks , jalissa cadden ( porn name ) birthday: october 13th birthplace: fort lauderdale , florida hometown: hilton grove residence: hilton grove nationality: american ( est. 1997 through birth ) , british ( est. 1997 automatically a citizen due to mother’s citizenship , passport was claimed est. 2012 ) ethnicity: askenazi jewish ( maternal & paternal , 100% ) religion: judaism orientation: pansexual , panromantic ( she never really came out per say , people just kind of know she’s attracted to all genders . her family is very religious and she’s very involved with her synagogue so she’s made the choice not the necessarily put a label on her sexuality but is open about loving people no matter gender ) languages spoken: english ( fluent , first language ) , yiddish ( fluent , second language ) , spanish ( fluent , third language ) , german ( conversational , fourth language ) . father: henry christian berkowitz ( 50 years old ) was born & raised in fort lauderdale , florida by a politician / banking heir & talk show host / philanthropist . henry himself went on to follow in his father’s footsteps and serve as a us senator for two terms & currently is the ceo of berkowitz capital . ( relationship: it’s never been perfect but the love is clear in the relationship & he’s been much better at being supportive of her in recent years . certainly a daddy’s little girl even when you do wrong you can’t do much wrong type of situation ) mother : austen sylvia rachelson-berkowitz ( 48 years old ) was born & raised in westminster , england up until her teens when she & her mother moved to washington dc after her mother had become the incumbent uk ambassador to the united states . austen was crowned miss usa at the age of 20 & later went on to follow in her families long time involvement in politics ( holding former offices as a us representative as well as governor for two terms ) . today she spends much of her time putting her law degree to work on criminal cases . ( relationship: they’ve never been close & have never quite seen eye to eye . since jalissa was nineteen she & her mom haven’t said more than ten words to one another & if they have it’s never necessarily positive ) brother: kenneth patrick berkowitz ( 24 years old ) was born in fort lauderdale , florida & raised in hilton grove . he shares the same parents as jalissa and is the couples first born & only son . kenneth is following in the berkowitz footsteps & is heading the uk sector for berkowitz capital since graduating from columbia university a couple years back . ( relationship: the two siblings have always been close. they had a similar friend group growing up & alot of the same interests . they’re still rather close to this day despite being countries away from one another ) sister: sariah rachel berkowitz ( 19 years old ) was born in fort lauderdale , florida & raised in hilton grove . she shares the same parents as jalissa and is the couples last born . sariah currently attends stanford university where she’s on a pre med track . ( relationship: the two were often at each other’s necks growing up . mostly because how similar they are to one another . as of recently the two have grown close , though , with sariah fessing up to looking up to her older sister ) social class: upper education: highschool diploma ( hilton grove highschool g. 2015 ) career: youtuber ( from 2014-present ) , pornographic actress ( from 2016-present ) , podcaster (from 2018-present ) notoriety: being apart of the prominent berkowitz family , having one of the top 10 most watched pornographic movies , her podcast with her best friend tickets to our downfall & her youtube channel callmejalissa . weight: 122lbs height: 5′4″ hair color: brown ( with blonde highlights ) eye color: hazel ( wears blue contacts sometimes ) positive traits: whimsical , astute , extroverted , affectionate , quick , intelligent , friendly , ambitious , passionate , humorous , loyal , compassionate , effervescent negative traits: opportunistic , recalcitrant , hypocritical , vain , critical , stubborn , distant , sneaky , abrasive , sarcastic , obsessive , vengeful , reckless , arrogant likes: black coffee , birthday parties , lying , sunshine , baby pink , glossy lips , gossiping , stand up comedy , sunkissed skin , dogs , peanut butter , popping champagne bottles , driving with the windows down , swimming , mimosas , oversized sweaters , taco bell , cranberry juice , makeup , football , cosmetic work , arguing , online shopping , exotic foods , jewelry the price of a car , fresh berries , roller skating dislikes: liars , driving in the snow , her mother , jelly , basketball , bad drivers , when people lie about their cosmetic work , sushi , hateful people , disloyalty , overly emotional people , romance , being alone , astrology enthusiasts , hospitals , silence , cheap perfume , criticism , traffic , being late , red wine , short hair , anything banana or grape flavored hobbies: reading magazines , dancing to her newly curated playlist in the mirror , gossiping with her grandparents , video editing , meddling , going for brunch , goat yoga , drinking alcohol while snuggled up in bed , painting alternate universe cartoons , attending big soirees , making impulsive decisions , smoking weed , sleepovers with her closest friends , suntanning on yacht decks , late night instagram lives , marilyn monroe movie marathons chara inspo: kourtney kardashian , emily nelson ( a simple favor ) , tan france ( queer eye ) , evie zamora ( thirteen ) , rebekah mikaelson ( the vampire diaries ) , jennifer check ( jennifer’s body ) , gabrielle solis ( desperate housewives ) , regina george ( mean girls ) , lucifer morningstar ( lucifer ) , kathryn merteuli ( cruel intentions ) , veronica lodge ( riverdale ) , chanel oberlin ( scream queens ) , samantha jones ( sex and the city ) , andie anderson ( how to lose a guy in 10 days ) , blair waldorf ( gossip girl ) , naomi lapaglia ( wolf of wall street ) , maddy perez ( euphoria ) , kat hernandez ( euphoria ) fashion inspo: fran drescher , bella hadid , alex chung , madison beer , romee strijd , kendall jenner , selena gomez career inspo: tana mongeau , jordan lipscombe , sofia franklyn , alexdandra cooper , lana rhodes , abella danger headcanons: she has one hundred percent smashed the windows in an exes car , she drives a black range rover , vandalized an exes home before , says “ harely quinn is my spirit animal “ once a day , is not the type of ask if you’re okay with her vlogging , has slept with rock stars and couldn’t care less that they’re basically the age of dirt at this point , is actually very sad when she’s not putting on the vivacious front in front of people , dances on tables whens she’s drunk , its not a party unless someone has offered her a line

𝐁𝐄𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐄 𝐉𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐀

the berkowitz family name has long been one that holds prestige & power . among the 1% for over a century . they are a prominent banking family that has had their hands in the pots of nearly every big banking company across the nation . coming into the united states after word broke of the california gold rush back in 1849 , the berkowitz brother’s were of the lucky few to acquire pounds of gold by the thousands . later founding what would become a leading investment bank known as berkowitz capital . the generations to follow would capitalize on the head start given to them by the two brothers . expanding the family company as well as the knowledge of the family name through heavy involvement in politics alongside the kennedy’s . since as early as 1953 there has always been a berkowitz family member actively appointed to a political role ( governor , senator , representative , us ambassador , etc ) . although the families roots within the states are documented in the capital of california , as generations went on they made their way over to the east coast , with most of the family members now residing in southern florida .

the rachelson family is a prominent political family . synonymous with power & eloquence . with their rise initially taking place in the british parliament . many escaped to england from germany between 1933-1935 . they hadn’t settled into the states until jocelyn rachelson ( jalissa’s maternal grandmother ) was appointed the united kingdoms ambassador to the united states in 1987 . the rachelson’s have since had heavy involvement in the us government , both behind the scenes and at the forefront . much of the rachelson family have stayed within the european union ( germany & poland ) as well as england . although the few that followed jocelyn to the states now reside in washington dc and the tri-state area .

henry & austen had met through their mutual friends . it didn’t take long before the two became a rather public couple , a supercouple if you would ( similar to that of a brangelina of the 1% ) . although they’d met in new york the two decided that when it was time to start a family they wanted to move to hilton grove , an island austen had eyed for years . instead they found themselves moving down to fort lauderdale where henry had grown up . before they knew it , they were three kids deep in settling down in fort lauderdale . austen’s anger from never wanting to build a life in florida started to tumble into the relationship & the daily life of the family & so in an effort to recover the marriage henry agreed to moving the family up to hilton grove , where they have resided ever since .

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐉𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐀 𝐄𝐑𝐀

jalissa was born the second of three children and oh boy does she suffer from middle child syndrome , riddled with a envy and a need to be in the mix . the berkowitz household , although , from the outside looking in looked like a fabulous family life was anything but . jalissa , like her siblings , was born on a pedestal & what came attached with that was even higher expectations from her parents . her parents found a way to be extremely authoritarian & uninvolved all at the same time . they were very dismissive if you disappointed them & everything jalissa did seemingly did just that .

for a long time she was obsessed with getting her parents approval , she’d turned life into a silent competition between herself & her siblings . she befriended only the people her parents approved of , did all the events they asked her to do , did everything she could to excel academically & only dated people who were of benefit to her parents ( people who’s parents where also in high places ) .

during highschool she joined the model un , debate team , and soccer team . if it were up to jalissa & not her parents she’d probably had joined the cheerleading team but her mother would never let that fly . it was too “ self indulgent “ to fit the family brand ( if only she’d known what would be coming years later lol ) .

it wasn’t until she was seventeen that she started to deviate from her parents wishes . of course , the catalyst to this was a boy , one her parents hadn’t really approved of but jalissa was completely head over heels for him . he really helped her boost her confidence to be her own person ? and not allow her parents to treat her like a puppet . with his encouragement she started her youtube channel , something she’d wanted to do for years but her mother had shot down the idea anytime jalissa brought it up . it was once again too “ self indulgent ” . the channel known as callmejalissa was an outlet for her , talking to a camera was the most heard she’d felt in seventeen years of her life . and god she knew that was hella sad . she really grew to view her subscribers as family & by the time her channel was brought to her parents attention ( more like her mothers , her dad had found her channel just four months after she’d made it and promised not to tell her mother so long as she was smart about what she posted ) she was about to turn eighteen and there wasn’t much they could do to stop her from doing it .

at eighteen she’d graduated highschool salutatorian with offers from university of pennsylvania & brown university . in all honesty she didn’t wnat to go to college , she saw it as a complete waste of her time . it wasn’t like she was going to do anything with the degree anyways . it would simply be a point of bragging for her parents at events & at this point she really could care less about them being able to brag to their friends . she knew she had to play along though , because this was the same year she was going to receive her first half of her trust fund ( a whoopin 500m , yes her trust fund in total will be 1b her parents are grossly wealthy guys ) so she bamboozled ? her parents , promising she’d committed to attending penn just so they’d allow for the money to be released to her account . she moved out of the house , literally moving into a house of her own a couple blocks from her parents house & claimed she was living in pennsylvania for college . we stan a sneaky binch .

two months later her parents were at her front door , though , ready to give her an ear full . her mother basically disowned her at this point . telling her how every year jalissa found a new way to be a bigger disappointment . her dad kind of played good cop , like he normally would because her mother often dug into her pretty deeply . to the point where any insecurity ( even though with the way she carries herself you’d never think she has any ) she has stems from something her mother has said / called her in the past . if henry berkowitz had a soft spot , it was certainly jalissa , it that had only grown clearly with the harsher austen became on the girl .

a few months before her nineteenth birthday a sex tape was released of jalissa cheating on her boyfriend at the time . it was a drunken mistake she’d made around the time of her mother basically disowning her , but that explanation did suffice for her boyfriend who inevitably broke things off with her . although this was a horrific time she’d received an abundance of offers to film more tapes . it was enticing to say the least . she was someone who loved intercourse but also had this deeply rooted desire to get back at her mother ? and what better way to do so then to something so far left from what her mother was about . this was next level disappointment in the eyes of austen berkowitz . the only thing that made sense ( in her mind ) was to dive head first into the porn industry .

like you’d expect her parents had a fit when they found out about her new career choice . although her internet fame had soared to new heights and her youtube & instagram followers were loving every second of this move . her mom was currently serving as governor and has since not been able to get elected in the political world since jalissa became one of the top porn stars around . they basically blacklisted her & jalissa feels no remorse , she’s gone so far as telling her mother “ sucks to be shunned , huh? ” .

although it took her dad a while to come around , he cares far too much to shut her out .

not to long after jalissa & her best friend started their podcast tickets to our downfall , it’s a mix of call her daddy & the basement yard , basically two besties talking on a level that most people wouldn’t want to leave the privacy of their own space , giving advice , hoe tricks , and telling funny stories of their past . it a total hit & one of jalissa’s favorite things to do .

she live sin the same house she has since she was eighteen . she lives on her own with three dogs and a cat . she absolutely hates being alone and so maggie ( a tan corgi puppy ) , louis ( a yellow lab puppy ) , humphrey ( a chocolate lab ) , and cedric ( a orange scottish fold ) are her babies that keep her sane in her big ole home .

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

as you can tell jalissa is chaotic , impulsive , reactive , and overall just searching for attention . she doesn’t care if the attention she receives is for the wrong reason or not , as long as she’s getting it . despite this she’s a good person ? i promise . she’s very friendly , loves a good joke & having a good time . very fun loving . she’s the type of person to try and bring up everyone else’s mood even when she isn’t feeling 100% herself . she’s loyal to those she deems are loyal to her . sometimes she’s bad a seeing who is actually loyal to her though & will be disloyal to someone who actually has her back ? oops . she’s definitely not the type to sugar coat anything for you , she tells it like it is & refuses to apologize if that hurts your feelings . if you cross her ? i’ll be praying for you . she’s the type to fuck your s/o , tell your boss some wild story about you & dump alcohol over your head at an event all in the matter of a week . don’t get her going , she’s absolutely relentless . with that said she’d very affectionate ... ? you can catch her hugging up on whoever is next to her at all times . touch is her love language , because lord knows she’s no sweetheart . she hates the stereotype of porn stars / internet personalities being ditzy , although she didn’t attend university she was accepted into two ivy leagues based off her academic abilities alone . the girl is intelligent & enjoys having a clever conversation from time to time .

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

a girl squad or just a squad in general really , give my baby her lil group of people please

her ex boyfriend from when she was seventeen ( he’s mentioned above ) but basically he’s the one who encouraged her to not let her parents make her their puppet , they didn’t approve of him , jalissa fell head over heels for him . they would’ve dated for nearly two years because the sex tape of her cheating on him came out .

the person she cheated on her ex with ? maybe they’re the one who leaked the sex tape ? maybe they never even told jalissa they were recording ?

her best friend that she does the tickets to our downfall podcast with ? these two are literally like twins , just two peas in a pod ( pun intended )

fans of her work ? and im not taking about her youtube channel or podcast

ex hook ups that think she’s crazy ? she probably gave them reason to think so lbr

frenemies give me blair & serena circa season one type of shit

just plain old enemies , they were probably friends at one point or maybe just have always disliked one another ?

smoking buddies were they literally just hot box cars together and munch on taco bell talking about why sound vibrates & shit

someone who isn’t afraid to confess their love for jalissa but her damaged ass refuses to confess her feelings for them ? so it’s just this constant cycle of them having a good time , them being sweet & her just gets weirdly quite & starring at them before she complaining about them going and ruining the vibes

she’s a bad influence on them ? they’re a good influence on her ? ride or dies ? partners in crime ? only friends when there is a substance involved ? sugar baby vibes ? unlikely friends ? flings ? crush ? friends with benefits ? everytime they are around one another its a fight ? someone she lets crash at her place sometimes ? someone she’s backstabbed & maybe they don’t even know she has & they still think she’s a ride or die for them ?

#hilton:intro #❛ 🍑 ── 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐔𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑. / INTRO.

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lowsodiumfreaks67 · 6 years

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Thank You Supernatural

Dear Cast and crew of the incredible Supernatural family, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you’ve done for so many people over the whole world over the past 14 going on 15 years.

When Supernatural started in 2005 I was only 6 years old and being from the UK and from a home struggling with money I didn’t have access to American television shows, Supernatural didn’t enter my life until I was 17 and honestly It couldn’t have come into my life at a better time because it saved me.

On Wednesday 17th August 2016 I attempted to take my own life for the 3rd time, I had finished high school a year prior and nothing was going the way i had thought it would or wanted it to. I was bullied and beaten quite severely all the way throughout high school, I even had a few teachers who had it out for me for some unknown reason, my parents split when I was in year 10 and I lost contact with alot of my fathers family because because they all blamed me for the separation, all of this resulted in me missing classes and becoming afraid to leave my house because I believed what I was being told was true, I thought I was worthless, no one cared for me, I was an inconvenience in the lives of everyone I knew and their lives would be better without me in them.

Because this was the 3rd attempt on my life I ended up having to stay in hospital until I was both physically and mentally ready to go back home, this was when I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bipolar, during this time I spent a lot of time binge watching shows on the internet, one of the nurses saw what I was doing and the kind of shows I was watching, that’s when she suggested I watch this show called supernatural, it had been on for quite a while and there was plenty of material to catch up on, I started at the very beginning and after hearing dean speak those infamous words “ Dads on a hunting trip and hasn’t been home in a few days” I was hooked.

Not having many friends and family being distant towards me I didn’t have much to do and spent a lot of my time at home watching this incredible show and finding out about the people behind it, it wasn’t long before I came across the campaign started by Jared Padalecki, Always Keep Fighting, Jared started the AKF campaign in 2015 with the aim of raising awareness for mental health, Jared himself revealed that he suffered from depression, for once in my life I felt like I was no longer alone, no one in my family believes that mental illness is serious and its just an excuse so they didn’t take my diagnosis seriously, seeing Jared go through this and be so confident talking about it being able to talk to other people and sharing his story, I felt like I could look up to him, kind of like an older brother who I could turn to for advice, since beginning AKF and other campaigns the wonderful actors on this show have started a conversation withing the community in which they’re encouraging fans that it’s okay to be open about their problems and prompting them to help each other because we are all family.

The wonderfully kind Jensen Ackles has showed me that anything can be done if you put your mind to it and work hard, he revealed that he suffered from anxiety and has struggled with many things in the past whether it be doing a difficult scene on the show or going on stage for panels at the many supernatural conventions that are held throughout the years, but throughout all of this he has proven that he can overcome everything and perform in front of thousands people and blow the roof off the place with his incredible voice.

The beautiful Misha Collins has proven that just because you come from a tough background does not mean that you don’t have the same chances as everyone else, growing up in poverty and even being homeless for a portion of his childhood he was able to leave all of that behind him and become successful and skilled enough to be able to build his own home for his family, he has also been able to learn from his experiences and become a better man because of it. He also has been a big contributor to charity with the Random Acts campaigns and the GISH scavenger hunts.

There are many infamous quotes from the show and from the actors that resonate deeply with me, some of them more than others, “Family doesn’t end with blood “ this one has meant the most to me, when my biological family weren’t enough or weren’t there for me I had my Supernatural family to turn to in times of need, “Decide to be fine until the end of the week. Make yourself smile, because you’re alive and that’s your job. Then do it again the next week “ just because you’re not okay now does not mean that it’s going to be like this forever, you just gotta take it a little bit at a time until it gets a little easier, “You know, who cares where happiness comes from? Look, we’re all a little weird, we’re all a little wacky – some more than others – but… if it works, it works.” It’s okay to be a little odd, whatever works for you works and that’s okay don’t let anyone tell you any different.

So Thank you Supernatural for not only saving my life but making my life a whole lot better and worth living.

Thank you xx❤️

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simcatcher · 6 years

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57 Things About Me - Tag

I was tagged ageeeees ago by @purplepxls thank you honey <3

57 sounds like alot. Also why 57 ?

1. I am a very tall girl with curls. I don’t make up unless I’m going out, but my job requires me to ! That’s one of the things I like about that job, it makes me feel pretty :)

2. I can spend days in my room as long as I can see the sun... Just to write. Or get inspiration. I’ll just take tea breaks and nourish myself from time to time lol.

3. I’ve been in love once or twice or more, but I’ve never really loved anyone. I never let them too close, and I get bored too easily... When the feelings are reciprocated, I mean. I long after the ones I couldn’t have more than after my actual exes, lol !

4. Loneliness never bothered me too much. I am a loner, I need my time alone to breathe. Now my friends start families and marriage and such and I’m just like wut ? nop, not at all.

5. I used to party a lot, alot alot alot but now I’m less wild. I don’t drink much anumore except for a glass of red wine from time to time. The only leftovers of my uni years are my damn cigarettes lol. They’re sticky.

6. I have mood swings. One minute cheerful and loud, the next sad and quiet. I think all the time about plenty of things and this is a real mood trigger.

7. I’m not very trustable when it comes to dates, things you said, ‘let me know”. I don’t remember your secrets, I forget about the dates, I never ring back. I hate commitment and pressure and go for my own freedom. I do basically what I want.

8. This is starting to be long.

9. I think love hurts and this is the only battle I’ve never engaged because I don’t want to end up broken. I don’t see the point. And I hate romance lolol. Cheesy romance that is, impossible loves are my shit.

10. I’m a sucker for horror movies. I love them. The creepier the better ! I’m not going for butchery though, I like when the story is mindwrecking. I like it even more actually. Should I have said thriller ? Ahah, Annabelle ain’t no thriller :D

11. I have my own car now ! Along with my own place, my own roomies, my job, I’ve never been this content before and when I look back at all the times I was about to give up, all the times I’ve kept on keeping on when I felt like it was useless, now I see it was all worth it, so so much worth it.

12. I don’t want to be a mom. I don’t want that responsibility, that life changing kind of committment. I want a cat. But even a cat seems hard to handle for me. I’ve had a kitty home (for a friend) for a while, and it’s... life changing. Not sure I mean it in a good way though. I really loved the part when the little baby woke me up with her meows or when she curled up against me at night or when she gave those very special head-bumps kind of hugs. God I miss her...

13. I think some events are meant to happen. Some other are meant to not happen. Sometimes when it’s not your fate it’s no use pushing and pushing again cause it only drains all your energy and you’re left flat and without substance. I’ve learnt that the hard way cause I’m kind of stubborn, I give myself 200% or I don’t. Sometimes if it’s meant to be it just happens, you DON’T have to push or rush, cause it comes to you naturally. And when it’s not for you it’s not, and the only thing to do is let go. That’s the hardest part.

14. I believe in miracles sometimes, or a little hand of Fate who knows.

15. Looking at the night sky when there’s no one and nothing around but the wild animals outside is one of my favorite thing to do. Empty your head, breathe fresh air (well erm smoke a cig) and look up. I make up stories and find my own constellations. The last one I’ve found out is shaped like a wink / smile, and now that I got that job I dreamt to get, I can’t see it anymore in the sky. It’s still there though.

16. I don’t have a style, but if you ask my roomies they’d say ‘bohème’, which is fine by me.

17. I like open spaces with little people. I like mountains, lakes, beaches and islands, I like big fields and feeling so small. I would love to be able to fly, but I’m afraid of heights. Since I’m afraid of heights, you can be sure I’m climbing on rooftops and trekking whenever I can (with friends. With friends, eh.) I mean, I try to fight against the fear, or no, it’s more like I want to understand it the best I can so I can know it by heart and never let it diminish me. Still a WIP lol

18. I don’t know continuity. I speak as I think, and it’s messy. Changing subjects is my specialty. Some think I don’t listen. Maybe I don’t, but I think I do, and I try !

19. I used to take anything. The anger, the sadness, anything to the point I couldn’t feel at all. Now it’s the opposite, if I’m angry I can’t (and won’t) contain myself, if I’m sad I’ll let myself cry. I’m done wearing a mask.

20. I don’t put labels on people. I don’t judge or, when I do I always try to get the other view. When ppl tell me someone has done this or that, I never take for granted that the person is a jerk. Ppl have reasons you never know about, and most of the times the issue is a communication issue. You don’t get what I mean, you twist it to fit your idea of it... anyway.

21. I love pizza and chocolate, but pizza more. Summer of 2015 was the sweetest summer of all for me. It was bright and warm. I was 21.

22. I feel so much. So, so so much some days it’s hard to keep up with the world. I feel so much and yet it’s like I’m the greatest self-absorbed person you’ll know. It’s always about me, about me, about me, and I guess that’s why I can’t be in a relationship and don’t really want to.

23. I read books in english and in french. Depends. Also I never read a book. I read plentuy, all in the same time, I start them in the middle, I go past and forward, there’s no written law about how to read a book but my roomate still thinks I’m weird.

24. I’m still 24 for a bit

25. But I’m turning 25 soon

26. Do you want to know when ?

27. No ?

28. Yes ? Well, that’s the 28th. Funny joke ain’t it ! the 28th of November, therefore a Sag lady here.

29. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going.

30. I feel empty and depressed if I don’t have something to fight for. Something I love to fight for I mean. When it’s something I don’t love, I still fight but it takes loads more of energy and I don’t know if I could do it again.

31. Sometimes I feel like an old lady, sometimes like a little girl, but best is when I feel like a woman. A pretty red-lips/dark har young lady. It’s a nice feeling.

32. Where will I be when I’m 32 ?

33. I would really want to smoke a cigarette right now but I have to control myself cause I only have 4 left and I don’t have a car for now and where my parents live you need a car if you want to purchase cigarettes cause countryside means countryside we only have a hairdresser and a bakery around here

34. Mu little brother must be the person I love most in the whole damn universe, and though he drives me crazy like no one else I would go to the moon and back for him, he means the world to me

35. I have the best parents in the whole world

36. I wouldn’t trade my childhood memories for all the gold in the world

37. I’m quiet when you don’t know me, a little (hem, little) less when you do.

38. I consider myself a fighter, cause though I try not to fall, I get up when I do and I don’t complain much.

39. I think I’ll stop at 41

40. I hate social media so much, I hate how they control our lives, I hate how the kids got smartphones and such and I wish they would still go out and play in the dirt like I used to cause those are the best memories I have and sometimes good memories are a good fuel to keep on

41. There we go

42. I love thunderstorms. They fascinate me. They make me happy for some reason. I love it.

Thank you, have a nice night, a nice day, a nice nap, a nice cookie and a nice life. Cheers <3

(I tag the ones who haven’t done it and would want to cause I’ve seen it on many blogs already ?)

#text post #random

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studentnursedeeley · 5 years

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My name is Valerie, I'm 28 years old and I'm Final Year Student Nurse from Stourbridge (near Dudley). Taylor Swift is my favourite recording artist of all time. I love you Taylor. Your music is the biggest escape for me. You have a song for each and everyone of my moods! I am in awe of you. You inspire me, and so many others. I know things haven't been easy for you. With your Mum being ill, people saying things in the media, other celebrities being horrible. I watched Miss Americana and that was such a beautiful film of your vulnerability. It was true and raw and I was captivated. I was 14 when I had your first album. You have got me through so many difficult years. I have had the privilege of being able to attend 2 of your concerts (I've never had alot of money). I saw you in 2015 at Hyde Park in London, then in 2018 at Wembley Stadium. Those are 2 magical memories I will never forget. I really wanted to come and see you this year after your Lover album release, but Nursing studies, and money this year won't let me. I cherish the time I spent with you. And I hope that one day I get to meet you, and say thank you. Because you have made life when it's tough bearable. You give me music I can get lost into. Music I can have a drive to, sing to, relax to if I need. You have changed my life. I really do love you. I have had a really rough couple of years. And my journey in life so far hasn't been easy. In 2014 I had my tonsils out after getting tonsillitis 8 times within a year. In 2015 my (now 17 year old) sister was diagnosed with autism, and I look after her. She is now in college. I'm so proud. In 2016 I fractured my leg during a kickboxing class. In 2018 I fractured my ankle trying to run away from a wasp (definitely not my proudest moment). Then later in 2018 my world turned upside down... My Dad suffers with cardiomyopathy. It's a disease that effects your heart muscle, it starts to fail. In November 2018 he was given a life expectancy of 2 years and the only thing that would save him is a heart transplant. In May 2019 he underwent invasive testing to see if he would be eligible for a heart and he wasn't. I went on a bit of a spiral downwards. Turns out I was grieving (according to my counsellor) and I also had severe depression (according to my doctor) as apparently its alot to process. I wanted to end myself at that point. I couldn't cope. Not only I had the news of my Dad to deal with, university was stressful, I had friends and family causing me stress. I decided I had to take a step back from my Nursing. I focused on myself, took medication (Sertraline; which I still do). While I took some time out, I ended up having my Gallbladder removed in July 2019. And kept in hospital for a week. Then in September my Mum after 23 years of being together and married to my Dad walked out on him. And has been causing so much grief ever since, telling lies to people, not supporting him. I've never got on with her anyway and she has always spoken to me like I'm dirt. So that's been stressful on my Dad and it's still on going and she is still causing stress. I then managed to finish my second year. While I was finishing my second year, I was also diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. As during my 4th placement (in my course there are 6 placements; 2 per year) I bled heavily for 10 weeks constantly. It was exhausting, not only being ill but getting through 12 and a half hour shifts. And before Christmas I found out my Grandpa has Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma (cancer). Then over the new year I was in hospital with a severe sinus and throat infection. I couldn't swallow. And shortly after that I ended up being ill again very badly with a kidney infection and urinary tract infection. I also recently found out the only thing that can help my Dad is an external heart pump. He is in urgent need for it, otherwise at any point he could drop down dead. While all of this has been going on. I've not given up on my dreams of being a Nurse and in less than a year I will become one. I applied for a job in February for a Nurse role when I qualify, and I ended up having an interview a couple of weeks ago and getting a job! So I'll be a Orthopaedic Surgical Nurse when I qualify! Through all of this my partner Steven has been my rock, best friend and my saving grace. Almost 7 years this year. He picked me up at my lowest last year when I was drowning. I did everything possible to push him away but he stuck by me. And I love him so much. Please can I have help getting this message to Taylor? I will love you all forever. Thank you. Love Val, Xoxoxo

#taylorswift #swiftie #life #getmymessagetotaylorswift #family #hardtimes #dreams #wish #nurse #fiance #determination

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deadass-pool · 5 years

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sept. 13, 2019 // shall i save this space for that one night

hi, hello. i’m just typing this now and it’s almost the 14th of september in a few minutes. it’s a friday night and i want to write about what happened on wednesday. sept 11, 2019.

i’ve always been so skeptic of all the good things happening to me. always believed that there is a price to pay when it’s too good to be true, too much that i don’t deserve it and it’s all just a dream. i’ve always been so skeptic of the universe becoming kind to me for once. maybe because i’ve spent too many days where i shall pay the price of everything that i ever received and has been too miserable and tired and everything that you feel at night when you’re lying awake on your bed while everyone snores lightly in their sleep.

on september 13, 2019. on a wednesday night, in manila; i saw one of the bands that i’ve looked up to and shaped my teenage years.

it was the 1975.

how i discovered them is still imprinted on my memory. i remember it so clearly. i was 13, in 8th grade and was failing math for the 2nd time or maybe once? they were on the television. they stood out than the rest of the artists that i’ve seen other than one direction being my favorite boyband and going through that unforgettable phase. it was “girls” when i first knew about their existence. and it went on and on, with me searching them on youtube until a short time passed, they announced that they were coming to manila for the first time.

i was excited.

i think i was about 14 already when i told my mom that i want to see this really cool band that i’ve been listening to but you know, growing up with strict parents and having to miss out on alot of teenage things is a fucking thing that needs to be stopped that i end up missing their first show.

my best friend, jessica, got to see them live though. i was envious.

in 2015, i was in 9th grade. i thought about sneaking out to see them live, this time. my parents were still strict but i learned to be sneaky at 15. only problem was, i’m too broke and don’t have the time. and then i missed the second chance.

i was 16 when i felt the desperation. me and my friends even came to the point of skipping school just to see a glimpse of their faces. which by the way, we did. ross passed by us and we were all too starstrucked and confused at the same time because “that couldn’t be a 1975 member! that is only an ordinary white man!” but what the fuck,,,,,, it’s actually ross.

i still remember so clearly when we all went to moa arena without any money to buy tickets. i don’t know why we made that decision or who even is the reason why we made that decision but you can tell the desperation was there. when two of our friends, mayan and miguela (they’re sisters and they always have the privilege to see their favorite band live for free because their aunt works for whatever the fuck her job is but god i wish that were me) went inside to the arena because the show is already starting, me and my friends were left outside. standing in the rain without any umbrellas.

i met a mother there outside, told me that one day i’ll be able to see those bands that i wanted to see live in the future, just not now. i never believed her but she believed in what she said.

the whole memory of me getting cold while the rain pours so hard on us from the dark sky still tasted so bitter to me. even up to this day.

so maybe dedicating an entire whole space about seeing this specific band live means so much to me. the 1975, i barely spoke of them but they’re always in my head and the words were always in the way i speak with those lyrics rolling off my tongue, they were pretty much a part of me that i never knew about or even talked about. it was like, they have this unknown impact on who i am right now and how i went from this simple girl to someone who looks and acts like matthew fucking healy.

seeing them live felt like a dream to me. i had to pinch myself only to know that it’s all real and i’m not on drugs or hallucinating. that i’m finally seeing the band that i’ve been trying to see live for years and what the fuck, it’s all real.

i couldn’t hold in the emotions that i felt that night. tears were falling when i heard “robbers” live for the first time. it was my go-to track to play on the guitar whenever i feel like shit and it was the main source of inspiration i had when i was just starting to write songs on the guitar.

i’m also thankful of my friends, who has been there with me since day one and i would not be able to see this band live if it wasn’t for them. my friends being the subject is another story to tell on this stupid blog that i barely update. but all i can tell you about is that time stopped when i felt the energy that the crowd shared with the artist. this is why concerts always feel like a dream.

you feel everything all at once.

and i’m so glad i finally saw the 1975.

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ojerasgigantes · 6 years

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No one asked but

I was looking through my tags and found this "about me meme" I filled in 2015 and thought it would be interesting to fill it again to compare the answers. I was 18 and now I'm 21 and alot has happened since. Also I recommend you all to do this too, search for your old "tag memes" and fill them again. I'm gonna cross the old answers. Anyway, here we go:

------------------------------------

WHAT WAS YOUR:

- Last drink: Lemonade Coffee, black

- Last phone call: my little sister She's my last phone call again

- Last text message: my theatre group chat (I left that group lol) a reddit shitposting grouo chat

- Last time you cried: when I recieved my cancellation letter from UBC (still bitter about that) yesterday because of anxiety

HAVE YOU EVER:

- Dated someone twice: no still the same

- Been cheated on: no still the same

- Kissed someone and regretted it: yes still the same

- Lost someone special: yes I got him back and he forgave me

- Been depressed: yes still the same

- Been drunk and thrown up: no yes, do not recommend

- List three favourite colours: blue, apple green, brown just blue now

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

- Made a new friend: yes yes too

- Fallen out of love: no working on it please god

- Laughed until you cried: yes! Yesterday I did that

- Met someone who changed you: not really nope

GENERAL:

- How many people on your FB friends do you know in real life: all of them I have 3 online friends on there now

- Do you own any pets: yep, a dog we had to put him down last year and I miss him so much

- Do you want to change your name: Its too common for my liking I still don't like it

- What did you do for your last birthday: went to chili's with some friends I went to a club with some friends (shocking I know)

- What time did you have to wake up today: 10:00 I didn't need to wake up at any time but woke up at 6am ish

- What were you doing last night at midnight: watching youtube vids watching reruns of old Spongebob Episodes

- Name something you CANNOT wait for: Capitan America: Civil War Death Stranding, Avengers: Infinity War II, being able to buy House of Leaves (still a fckn nerd apparently)

- Last time you saw your mother: rn an hour ago at breakfast

- What are you listening to rn: the tv I'm not In love - 10cc

- Have you ever talked to a person called Tom: yep this answer still hasn't changed, my uncles name is Tom

- What’s getting on your nerves rn: the weather, we are supposedly in winter but we are at 76 F I'm on a trip with my family and I missed 4 days of classes and I have so much to do

- Blood type: I have no idea still have no idea

- Nickname: don't have one some of my friends call me "polla (poh·yah)" or "nico (ni·ko)" but I still preffer being called Nicole

- Relationship Status: single and not ready to mingle I'm still single af

- Zodiac Sign: pisces fun stuff but I no longer believe in this pseudo science stuff :L

- Favorite TV show: Hannibal (why did they cancel it) this hasn't changed but I'm gonna add Mindhunter, Devilman CB and Parks and Rec

- High School: Altair why would this change?

- College: UL still in the same school, probs graduating in a million years

- Hair color: brown never dyed it don't think I'll ever will

- Long or short: long It's shorter now

- Height: 5'2" cm (pretty short) I grew an inch or was wrongly heighted bc now I'm 5'3"

- Do you have a crush on someone: nope slowly getting rid of it

- What do you like about yourself: idk (working on my self-esteem) physically; my eyebrows, lashes and button nose. Others: my patience and writing skills

- Tattoos: no still none

- Righty or Lefty: righty why would this change?

- First surgery: coarctation of aorta (I was 5 months) this still hasn't changed

- First best friend: my twin sister if I don't count her it would probs be a girl from kinder called Sam and a boy from 2nd grade called Renato

- First sport you joined: ballet I think I was wrong with this one but it mashes together with two others; swimming and gymnastics

- First vacation: Disney World still hasn't changed

RN:

- Eating: nothing same

- Drinking: nothing same

- About to do: watch a soccer match between Chile and Peru Go to the plaza of the place I'm staying and do some sightseeing

- Listening to: Nothing Passion Fruit - Drake

- Wanting: for Peru to win the match actually to pee

WANT:

- Kids: yep NOPE, if I ever decide to have kids I would have one or adopt

- Career: writer/psychologyst/journalist well, I took a photography course and plan to take another, I'm working on my novel, and I'm a Psych major :D

WHICH ONE IS BETTER:

- Lips or eyes: eyes yep

- Hugs or kisses: hugs yep

- Shorter or taller: taller I'm so fckn short it's honestly the only option

- Older or younger: same age or older I have a thing for older dudes

- Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous I still hate romantic shit

- Nose, stomach or nice arms: nose bITCH who the fuck was I lying to? I have an arm and back kink probably

- Sensitive or loud: sensitive meh

- Hookup or Relationship: relationship still

- Trouble Maker or hesitant: hesitant neither

HAVE YOU EVER:

- Kissed a stranger: no yep, my first kiss was with a stranger

- Drank a hard liquor: no YEP

- Lost glasses / contacts: yep always

- Sex on first date: no still a nono

- Broken someones heart: yes I hate that I did this to someone

- Been arrested: no not really

- Turned someone down: yes still hasn't changed

- Cried when someone died: no one close to me has died fortunately well my dog died last year and my uncle died 2 months ago and I cried at both so

- Fallen for a friend: no yes, fuck working on getting over it

DO YOU BELIEVE

- In yourself: not really still haven't changed

- Miracles: no miracles don't exist

- Love at first sight: no nope

- Heaven/Hell: idk i don't really believe in life after life

- Santa Claus: no no lol, wish he was real though

- Kiss at first date: sure why not

-------------------------------------------------------

There, I tag everyone so go ahead and do it

#about me #tag meme #scouting my tags

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motherlessdaughter2016 · 7 years

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The year after my mom died

≈First Grieving Anniversary Experience

(These are my words in notion with my grief. Personal words. Raw words. I can only hope that this post can help someone who is also grieving. Maybe help them not feel so crazy or alone.)

December 20, 2017

There are things in life that happen that makes someone who they are. Life experiences, influences, status, etc. None of it's no different when it comes to the week of the first anniversary of someone you loved passed away. December 26, 2016 was the day my mom died. It was unexpected and sudden. What used to be the best time of the year for our family became our most difficult time of the year. My mom was our core. She held us together and she made sure we were loved and cared for. This past year, there has been some shakey patches. A very shakey part right now as we're 6 days away from a year.

These last few days have been odd, as if it's only the beginning and it was dawning on me that how close it was and Christmas was coming. I'm gonna be honest, I didn't by much for anyone. Most of it will be homemade and I'm even slacking at that.

My dad, sister and I went to visit our Nana for a few days. It was our first time without mom. I didn't know how to feel so I just went with what came to me. Lots of anxiety for one thing. It'd been a while since I was in a roadtrip like that. As we were traveling from NWPA to Cape Cod. I don't trust other drivers on the road and I have high anxiety, so I tried to stay focused elsewhere.

We got there and I enjoyed being out on Cape, spending time with my family. It was great seeing Nana, how I missed her. The house is always welcoming and it's home to us. But there lurking in the back of my mind, we were missing someone. Mom.

It was a bittersweet.

Nana has a back porch with sliding glass doors that lead onto it. She has a fence for where her dog can roam but the rest of her property is woods and if you pay attention, you can be deer at dusk about this time of year. Sure we had neighbors but no-one pays attention to you. So it's quiet. And it was a little cold at night but I'd stand on the back porch and stare out into the darkness. Remembering the last time we were all on that porch together.

May 2015. We went up to celebrate Mother's Day. Nana, mom and me. Dad and Kiki were there too. It was two weeks we spent on the Cape. It was wonderful. There was a day where mom and I slipped away, just the two of us and she showed me her favorite spots and we took a selfie that day. We saw seals! She told me about how the fishing boats would bring in the fish and gave me a history lesson. She was once a teacher after all. It was a really great day for us. This time, it was solemn but much needed. It was a short break from the chaos of everything we've faced this year from losing mom. But I would stand on the back porch and cherish that memory. Sometimes I would talk to her. I know she's listening. Even when I don't say it out loud.

My time on Cape was a mixture for me. I did go to a party with my sister and I barely managed through it but I did get through it. Lots of self talking and relying on my inner circle a screen tap away. I suffer from social anxiety and being out of my element really throws a gal off. Thankfully we left and got to a familar place, I felt a bit better. The people were nice but there were too many. There had to have been 10 people in one house. It was overwhelming for me.

I didn't sleep well that night. It was the 2nd night we were there. I couldn't get comfortable no matter where I tried to lay down. I couldn't sleep. Mom was on my mind alot. Christmas is 5 days away. Mom died on the 26th. I probably totaled 4 hours of sleep that night and the morning was rough as well. It was a bad morning for me. I couldn't eat much so I just rested for the day. The 3rd day was okay and by the 4th morning we were leaving Cape to head home.

So we're 6 days away from that day with some other pressing issues are also demanding our attention, things even still relating to mom. When someone dies unexpectedly, there is so much the family becomes responsible for. Things I didn't even think were possible!

It's just a very different feeling this year, compared to last. If I were to compare last Christmas to this, you'll definitely see the difference. The raw emotions of losing someone really affects people. And it's so very upsetting for someone who can't relate say "it's been *insert timeframe* since they died, isn't it time to move on?" as if we, the ones who grieve, are supposed to put a time limit on our loss. Because grief is NOT the same for everyone. We're fast approaching a year since my mother died and I still feel the pain and devastating hit we all took when it was confirmed that we lost her. It is still very real in my mind, fresh. You can't forget that kind of pain. You can't forget about the energy shifts and the sounds of others expressing their own anguish. There has been so many emotions coming from me this week and I'm just trying to breathe and make sense of it all. Falling back on my circle of trusted people but to be honest, it's pouring over us at the worst time of the year.

I have been a bit irritable and really trying not take it out on the wrong people. I have been anticipating the holiday coming but I guess I didn't see it coming up on me. Before I knew it, I realized we're 6 days away from a year. Time flies quick yet slow, if that makes any sense. I don't know what else I expect to happen in the next 6 days though but we are cautiously hopeful for Christmas Day.

Sometimes I often find myself still stuck between that anger that she's gone and that depression of losing her. Sometimes I find genuine laughter and enjoyment but I always have this lurking off balance energy. And I just haven't figured out how to find my balance again. Despite my best effects, I get kicked by life. Because well, life doesn't wait for you. It keeps going. It's encouraged to not get left behind. It sounds easy but it's really not easy. We're falling behind. Bills are building up, everyone wants money.

I want money too. I want to have money to give money to the people who want money from me!

And I'm having anxiety over how I'm gonna tell my landlord that I don't have the water bill. There has only ever been a few times in 2 years that I've asked for an extension on my bill because I just don't have it...he kinda yells at me but in a passive way because my not being able to pay affects his ability to pay and I get that, I really honestly and truly do. But my boyfriend was fired, two weeks before Christmas. He was fired for attendance but here's the catch, he had a doctors note.

He's had 2 interviews already but no word of a yes yet. My friends (who are just family) are waiting on background checks to come in for their old jobs. They had a baby and we had to adjust. My bestie became a stay at home dad while his girlfriend got a better job to make up the difference. It worked for a long time. Until the month of December happened. My girl threw out her back and ended up with a herniated disc. She is still trying to recover from that but she's also fed up with her current job. It's garbage. But she keeps working it but she's going to be working for me soon enough. (I'm disabled. I was diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy when I was a kid. It's a progressive disease that weakens the muscles over time and could cause respiratory issues amoung other muscle related organs. FSH MD and LG MD are the types I have. And I am 28 almost 29 years old. It been almost 21 years since I've been living with this condition. But I have a supportive family.) So has experience in home care so we began the process. We're hoping for good news soon. We could really use it. A miracle would be amazing.

Before my mom died. I never thought about it. And what it'd be like. I guess you never think to lose your mom so young. Most people don't lose their moms until they're almost in their 60s. Some parents can live to be 100. Isn't that crazy? It's amazing if you think about it. 100 years. Some get to 102! But I never did think. I always thought she'd be around. I always thought she'd see me get married. To be a part of her grandchildren's lives. Enjoy her life, she had her own business. She made a name for herself in our town. But we lost the buisness...I think it was her. We were able to clean out the important things but the rest of her office was destroyed. After the New Year, the pipes burst and flooded it. Twice! It was a mess. We had to throw out a lot of things. I'm pretty sure my mom was still mad as hell. I don't think she planned it this way, she always say she'd be saying the wrong thing to the wrong person and get shot. She worked in the ghetto side of town. But she had good foot traffic and loyal customers. She ran her business well. And there has been some criminal activity happen at her office. Robbed than someone broke in a few years ago, just some drunk woman. She kicked in the front door! It's crazy. But she died due to brain damage. She aphixiayed in her sleep and lost too much oxygen. They ran tests to see if there any brain activity but nothing came through. I stared at that monitor, willing for something to happen. And the doctor officially called her time of death. 6:30pm on December 26, 2016. The day my life changed forever and I was forced to face my one of my fears.

Moving on without my mom by my side. She could talk me down and get me to see different things. She was my strength when I was weak. She always assurded that she'd be the for me. She was unconditional love. She was the core of our family. And we're cracking more under the pressure.

#grief support #grief #grieving #motherless #lossoflovedone #loss #my words #my writing #personal #missmymom #mom #words #raw emotion #true #grief of child #miss my mom

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alerosworld · 8 years

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I’m back............

Hiiiiiiii...its been almost 2 years since my last post.It wasn't intentional,life sometimes gets in the way. I read through my previous posts and i couldn't help but smile because alot has happened since then.

Will try and fill in the gap from then till now. Living on my own was good,i had my own space and privacy.I also got to host my mum (twice),my friends Chisom,Didi and ozofu. Moving off campus meant i couldn’t always attend club meetings of school activities because they usually start at 7 pm and i don’t like walking home in the dark. i also stopped going to the school gym because the thought of going home,then school and back home again ruined it for me.I didn't miss my classes though and succeeded in getting on the Dean’s list and I've remained there save for one trimester when i took a really difficult course but i’m back on there.last year i got to do my internship at a hotel called New port beachside Hotel and resort located on Collins Avenue.It was a great work experience and met alot of nice people.I worked a week in housekeeping /laundry,then i spent the remaining 9 weeks at the spa front desk. the internship lasted 10 weeks. The internship was an opportunity to see the practical side of my classes and a window into the world of hospitality.i found out i loved to help the guests and make sure the had an amazing time at the hotel.in between the internship, the school took my class to Spain,Barcelona.......yayyyyyyyy. We were there the briefest 1 week everrrrrrrr. We stayed at Las Ramblas hotel and it was close to everything. The columbus statue is 5 minutes away .We got to see the major landmarks in Barcelona and i was blown away. It was the students job to create activities for the day and plan transportation to and fro. I had day 3 and it was a trip to the Picasso Museum.My partner was Megan and together i believe we did a good job.

Picture of me the first day in Barcelona

L-R Megan(partner for the day), Prof. Schwarts and my humble self This was myself and Megan’s tour day

a few friends and i one of the nights out......

At the end of the trip i went back to my internship placement to finish off the remaining 3days.

I got to go back home to Nigeria twice in 2015,first for my cousin’s wedding then again for my mum’s 60th birthday.i was great to see my family again

My cousin and his wife

Me,my brother and my beautiful niece at the wedding

My mum and her twin sister’s birthday prayer service

The visits back home were very brief.

I got to visit Canada for the first time summer 2015.......i was elated to finally visit my mum in her home. She’s lived in Canada for 11 years but i never got to visit her till then.I spent my summer break there.

I believe this post is long enough .......wont bore your further.I promise to post more and let you know whats happening in my world.....

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

#longpost JWU internship spain barcelona Nigeria miami

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studentnursedeeley · 5 years

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I Hope I Can Give You A Hug One Day

#taylorswift #swiftie #life #getmymessagetotaylorswift #family #hardtimes #dreams #wish #nurse #fiance #determination

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