#it makes me really reallly sad. ugh

[bewby]

loving all my friends so much and caring for them and wanting to connect to them properly but being terrible at talking to anyone is literally a nightmare it makes me so sad. and i used to be able to talk to people better too and i don't know why it's suddenly so terrible since this year? like? i think it's because of my job in a way and i'm just so. fucking. exhausted. but i wish it would just stop! i miss my friends !!!!! I MISS THEM!!!! i don't wanna be like this!!!!! i'm really sad!!!!!

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

Remember how I said I wanted to write a post about Mild!Miguel....

It's been sitting in my drafts for almost a month. It's there.

It's just...reallly...reallly. really...long.

I just put it into Google Docs for the first time.

It's 27 pages. TWENTY-SEVEN PAGES.

Six THOUSAND WORDS. DO you know how sad that is? I typed that in one sitting. That's despicable

It's still not edited. How the fuck am I gonna edit a 27 page dissertation about MIGUEL.

I really love the material in it but

Unimaginable torture. Seventh circle of hell.

I might make it a video ....if I can. Because it's so hard to describe the parallel between Hobie and Miguel's arc and like.. The intentional deception Miguel puts on just like Hobie does. In order to will himself into the 'Stern boss' he thinks is necessary.

Like UGH NOT BEING ABLE TO EXPLAIN IN CONCISELY IS KILLING ME

[Very short rant below]

It's like Hobie very specially follows a formula of Humor - Deception - Moment of Action - Underlying Support

That Miguel WILL go through.

We're shown Miguel Humor (first scene), Miguel deception (lair scene), Him chasing Miles being his NEGATIVE moment of action that will LEAD to him reconsidering and offering underlying to support from Miles in the next movie.

Him in the liar is him acting mean on purpose. And the same way Hobie contradicts himself in his intro scene 'I don't believe in x'. The movie places Hobies in a humorous light to let us know of this upcoming deception

Which is the same for Miguel.

Why else does he have that high ass platform??? That's so uncharacteristic of him. Why does he let Peter interrupt him like that.

Because we're meant to see that Miguel's act as boss is just that - an act. We're supposed to think he's ridiculous- because.., its not real he can turn it on and off on a seconds notice

So when he returns to that rational place in his redemption in the next movie it won't be a 180 because like

GODDAMN DO YOU GET IT IM GONNA START KICKING A WALL

HOW DO I EXPLAIN THAT EASILY THERE'S SO MUCH IM ANGRY

Hobie... hobie. Miguel. Deception.... Gabriella.. Miles.. parallel.. Miguel's meddling with children's suffering being his downfall... Empanadas cheering him up

It's all connected in a matrix of nodes - each one a strand- in the infinite web of the multiverse-

[libraryfag]

feel free to pick & choose if this is too many, but merrily (as well), trc, and hamlet for the ask game!!

holy trinity of media that makes me insane about tragedy!

Merrily:

Favorite character: a tie between Charly and Mary.... i literally cannot chose between them Second favorite character: Frank, to complete the trio, he's such an asshole but i do love him

Least favorite character: Not a proper answer because I really don't have a least favorite character but gussie was honestly done a little bit dirty by the show.i understand that it's a very easy way of showing how the friendship collapsed overtime but the show makes it seem like it was all gussies fault and i feel so bad for her because it wasn't as if she was deliberately doing it it just sorta happened but whatever.

The character I��m most like: hm. i think maybe Act Two Frank specifically just bc im so so in love with theatre. merrily is so so special to me bc it really captures that magic. not a character but i really really relate to Opening Doors bc thats just what writing a show is like or making any art reallly.

Favorite pairing: Frank/Charly/Mary not just platonic not romantic not sexual but a secret fourth thing (including all the above) they loved each other so much!

Least favorite pairing: theo I totally agree with everything you said about frank and meg. i cant think of anyone else i could say so i might as welll copy your answer

Favorite moment: Opening Doors which has grown on me since i heard that Sondheim said it was his only autobiographic song. as well as the previously discussed reliability of it, it's such an earworm, like ive had it stuck in my head basically alll year its crazy. Also it shows how close they were together which makes it incredibly heartbreaking also

Rating out of 10: 9/10. its one of my favourite musicals ever! obligatory point reduction for whatever was wrong with the original production (Hal Prince wtf were you doing casting children??)

The Raven Cycle

Favorite character: Ronan Lynch <3 Second favorite character: oh god. im just going to say chainsaw bc i love her so much and i don't want to single out any of the other protagonists bc then i feel bad.

Least favorite character: Maggie Steifvater is such a great author I cannot name a single character I'm not 100% invested in, even ones that would be so easy to get bored by, like Mr Gray or Greenmantle I need to learn everything about them ever.

The character I’m most like: gansey tbh. to the point where i try not to think about it

Favorite pairing: all of the guys (aka blue, gansey, adam, ronan, noah and maybe henry, i don't know him so well yet). basically the same as my merrily answer, labels don't really matter: what matters is they all love each other so so much its insaneeeeeee. im also a big sucker for whatever ronan and adam have going on

Least favorite pairing: tbh i wasn't so invested in maura and the gray man at first.

Favorite moment: i love it when ronan is protective of chainsaw.. he loves that bird so much

Rating out of 10: 11/10 aka so good its literally having a detrimental impact on my school results and mental health/sleep :)

Hamlet

Favorite character: Hamlet Thee Dane. truly the character of all time

Second favorite character: i think about ophelia every single day

Least favorite character: depends on the production tbh. like i used to not care about laertes and polonius, but i became obsessed with the former either last year or the year before, and the version i read this year (Nicki Greenberg's graphic novel which i would recommend) had a really engaging interpretation of the latter which was so good i got sad when he died.

The character I’m most like: hamlet is literally me btw.

Favorite pairing: tragic danish boyfriends is a classic and brilliant but hamlet and laertes also upsets me so so much. like they are literally perfect foils

Least favorite pairing: ugh. gertrude and hamlet sexually. freud suck my dick

Favorite moment: yes ive seen/read it 5 times now. no, i've never not been emotionally destroyed by the ending

Rating out of 10: 10/10. one of the best pieces of fiction ever. which is a totally subjective statement but also im right.

[tarlosislife]

My top 5 Tarlos scenes :) I was tagged by @thisbuildinghasfeelings , thank you!! <3

I'm indecisive when it comes to.. literally anything, so this was a challenge, to say the least.

1. Proposal. THE proposal. 3x18, obviously. I'm 100% sure I'll never have a scene I'll love more than this one. I'm a pessimist and I didn't want to believe the people who said that this is gonna happen at the end of season 3 and I'm so glad I didn't cause in this way, this was a complete surprise for me. The best surprise ever. When TK said the words "Marry me." right after mentioning 'husband', I completely lost it. I've never cried that much before, during an episode. And those might have been the happiest tears of my life. :")

2. TK waking up in 3x04. Push. Listennnn. I-. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this scene. Season 3 started with a broken-up Tarlos and that made me so sad, so. This was the perfect way to cheer me up. With TK saying "breathe, breathe, breathe" and Carlos holding his boyfriend's face in his hands. It was simply perfect. The whole of Push is a masterpiece, mostly thanks to Rafa and his extraordinary acting. Wow. #push my beloved <3

3. 4x16. The soulmates-talk. Best scene in the whole of season 4, try to change my mind, you won't be able to. I love this more than I love the wedding and the vows, probably because at this point, everything was fine. Nobody realllly important was dying and there were two very happy fiancés (ok, they were both really scared but at least they could be happy with each other) with nothing but love in their hearts. I needed this, we needed this, they needed this, everyone needed this. The acting of both Ronen and Rafa was more than perfect and yeah. Not one scene of season 4 beats that. :')

Ugh, this is getting harder and harder.

4. "You're MY hot mess." 4x02. After the.. thing that happened in episode one of season 4, I reallly needed a scene like this. One where TK and Carlos were properly talking. And flirting. And kissing. It was necessary. And yes, I choose to ignore the stuff that happened right after this scene, cause..that didn't make me that happy, haha. Anyway, I love this one and I'll be forever fond of it.

I have so much more, I can't do this.

I could also say the beloved Police station, the "We make a pretty good team." scene, the fight at the fire station in 2x12 or the entirety of 3x13 and 4x12 but I won't cause when we talk about Tarlos, there is one main event that we should mention and that is obviously the wedding. So.

5. 4x18: THE wedding. I still can't believe we got to see Tarlos get married after all the horrendous stuff that went down in those last two episodes. I actively try to ignore and forget all the bad events that took place and concentrate on the fact that TK and Carlos are now husbands. They're going to be together forever and even though, I'm not entirely pleased about those episodes and I'm pretty sure I'll never watch 4x17 again..., the picture of my loves getting married will always make me happy. Especially because of those oh so beautiful and perfect vows that I'm so grateful for. :")

[sufferinggod]

literally social media is what causes most of my depression. seeing everyone out doing shit with their friends and me doing nothing in my room, unable to spend any money, makes me envious and depressed since i cant do any of it. but yeah, these last 2 or 3 hours ive been watching random videos, staying away from social media. and guess what, i feel happy, not depressed at all. im about to watch the newest episodes of south park and reheat the pizza i have left in the fridge which sounds like a good time. oh, and my friend who lives in the city messaged me and we were just texting randomly. i told him i was saving up for a new iphone and he says i should be saving up for an apartment so i can move in the city with him. he can help hook me up with a job. and although i disagree with him (since i really, really, reallly, need a new phone right fucking now) i do think i should start saving money to move to the city. thats actually a great move. especially since im not even spending my money on anything right now. no new clothes, no new shoes, no new games, no new consoles, etc etc etc. just the phone which i will be paying for in small payments, and thats it. it would be a good idea to start saving and try and see if i can pull this off. it would be a great move. idk. i have a lot to think about. but yeah. everything in life revolves around moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too bad i make so little. every 2 fucking weeks ugh. but yeah. at least im not depressed no more lol. i have one beer left, and a bottle of vodka i wanted to drink earlier but now i dont even feel like drinking which is amazing. its good going to sleep happy and not sad and depressed and just wanting to kill time and end the day.

[fakeloveaskblog]

Heeeey!

Rowan and Patty, how are you two doing?

Also how are you, blog owner? Remember to drink water and rest enough!

~Ghost

(this did remind me to get some water so thanks! i'm doing a bit better C: getting much more sleep than usual after starting to use sleeping pills :D)

Patty was laying on the couch, cuddled up in a fluffy robe her girlfriend had sent to her. From the kitchen came the sound of a muffled audiobook and a pan sizzling as Logan cooked dinner.

She had her laptop set up on the coffee table. She was on what was apparently a 'discord call' with Rowan. Some of her slightly older students had helped her make an account.

Her girlfriend was sitting on 2 person bed in a luxurious hotel room. She also had on a robe because obviously, she was Rowan. She had been practice reading some of her lines to her girlfriend, some of the ones she had memorize for tomorrow's shoot.

They both shone up a little bit extra when they saw the ghostly outline appear "Hi kiddo" "HeeEeeloo"

Patty wanted to move in for a hug but hesitated because she didn't know if you were corporal or liked hugs. Instead she clasped her hands together "I'm doing great! The only thing that could possible be better would be if Ro-boat was here in person"

"Hooneeey. Same here" She pressed her hand against the screen and made a sad little pout. "But it is actually reallly exciting right now since I'm in Scotland! Never been here! Great way to start February! Uh it's february by the way. I don't know how good of a grip ghosts have on time. There are bushes here! And trees! And great plains of grass!! I'm on the lookout for Nessie so I can ride her like a majestic dragon!"

"Oh! Oh! Ro! Please you must tell why you are in Scotland!!!" Patty exclaimed while putting on a questioning look. (Rowan had already told her. She just wanted to give her girlfriend a chance to re-say)

"Thanks for asking deary! I am here to film for a movie!! If you didn't know Royal-Ghostie most of my roles are in lighthearted movies. Casting directors think I fit well as the funny fast speaking kinda slutty latina best friend if I'm allowed to keep my accent and as a good romance lead if they make me hide my accent. But this!!! This is a serious movie!! One of those like really cool ones with super long super actor focused shots!! One of those the Oscars would LOve!! And I don't have to suppress my accent!!! Even if it's a serious role!! I feel like the director and I really get it!! Both of us really understand my character!! I'm the lead!! UGH!!! It's so exciting!!!"

She leant back on the bed to kick her legs while grinning. Patty was grinning just as big.

"GHOSTIE! That reminds me! Wait!!"

She got up and ran off screen to some other place of the hotel room. A few seconds she bounced back onto the bed while holding an envelope. She opened it and took up a gold painted letter. On the top stood 'From the Academy Awards'.

"I GOT INVITED TO THE OSCARS!!!"

"MY GIRLFRIEND GOT INVITED TO THE OSCARS!!!" Patty joined in.

Both of them pressed their hands to the screen and squealed in unison. (Rowan had been a little bit shy about asking Patty to come as her guest. She was planning on asking once they saw each other in person again.)

"Augh!! Patty y'know my new stylist and lover, the one I'm sharing the room with? The one who was going to dress me for the promo tour for this movie? Well We've been talking and she's gonna dress me for the Oscars as well!! Oh she has some AMAzing contacts and some AMAzing hands! It'll be great! I just know it! She's using the hotel's jacuzzi right now I think, I suppose I'll go join her once this call is over"

"My honeypie, There is not a single doubt in my mind that you'll look gorgeous! Actually I don't think there is any way for you to not look gorgeous! Whatever the time!"

"Aww Patty-cakeee" She shimied her shoulders "Don't you have something to show the Royal Ghost Friend as well?"

Her grin somehow turned wider "I do!! I do!! Logie! Loganson! Dearest darling!!"

Logan opened the door to the kitchen and stuck out his head "Yes?-Greetings Rowan. Greetings Ghost" He waved to the screen and to you.

"Hi Logan!"

"Yes Pat?"

"Could you open the door fully pretty please?"

A smile played at his lips "Of course dear"

He opened the door and a huge hulking bulk of fur came running out. The big dog jumped up on the couch and licked Patty right over the face while putting his just as big paws all over her lap.

She giggled while scratching him behind the ear and on the brown stripes on his chest. He was a Bernese mountain dog. He was half blind, had a bad memory and easily got confused but that was okay, everyone in the apartment wore glasses so they got it. They'd found him laying lonely at the shelter. And oh dear did he get separation anxiety as soon as both of his new parents left, so it was good that Patty was allowed to bring him to her work (the daycare) so he spent all day getting patted by little kids.

Patty patted the baby blue collar around his neck "This is Thomas!! As you know my birthday was in January and as a gift Logan had found Thomas! My husband had apparently 'done a lot of research'-"

"The research was looking at pictures of Thomas and saying aww" Logan added.

"And he took me to the shelter to meet him. And Logie was right! It was true parental love at first sight!!"

Rowan squealed again "Baby boy baby!! I can't wait 'til I'm home so Thomas can meet his second mom! Aka moi!"

She kept scratching him. He hung out his tongue, closed his eyes and let his head lay down against her lap "I'm sure he can't wait to meet you either!"

[gay-spaceman]

you win this around, mental illness

[monsieur-hadrien]

Harry Potter Fanfic Recommendations continued...

I did one of these lists back in June, and y’all KNOW! that I have even more to share with the world.

This list is a mix between crossovers and single-fandom fics, and are drarry or rarepair-centric, but either way I’ll mark which are which when I get to it.

If you want to see what I’ve been enjoying lately, check out my bookmarks on the Archive

Man of Iron, Child of Magic by zathara001

Harry Potter and MCU, no slash, 107k word count, 32 chapters, completed, teen

In the aftermath of the Chitauri invasion, Tony Stark sorts out his priorities - including one he didn't think he had.

Okay I followed this one from the beginning as a WIP because this is exactly the fic that I was looking for. Tony being Irondad for Harry is the most wholesome thing ever, and Uncle Steve is also 20/10. I will say, this fic is not as dark as a lot of this hp/mcu fics of this trope because it happens in Harry’s younger Hogwarts years and his childhood isn’t too ruined just yet. It focuses a lot on Tony’s growth as a father rather than working through Harry’s trauma (which, don’t get me wrong, that happens as well). Harry still has the naive outlook on life that a child should have and it just makes my heart swell.

Although this fic is done, the sequel has not been uploaded yet, as this fic was just completed late August, but don’t let that deter you. The author is a sweetheart to interact with on new updates (which were quite frequent).

Golden Boy’s Dance by Madriddler

Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy/Blaise Zabini, 57k word count, 13 chapters, completed, explicit

Two years after the defeat of Voldemort and Harry is feeling useless. Jobless and suffering from PTSD, Harry spent his days going from horrible interview to horrible interview hopelessly looking for a job. Feeling completely useless, Harry, with the help of George, turns to a new profession that Harry never even thought of : being a camboy. Pleasuring himself for money and people's entertainment, Harry hopes to find a use for the Savior of the Wizarding World in this Peaceful Era.

Yeah so uh,,, this is a total guilty pleasure kink fic and I’m not at all ashamed for putting this fic on here. I won’t even lie, sometimes it felt a bit cheesey, but the porn was so well written it didn’t even matter. I swear to you this is porn with plot and lots of it. Harry works through his post traumatic stress disorder in ways that may or may not be slightly unhealthy, but beyond the porn, it’s really about Harry being okay in his own skin, as someone with mental health issues and as a sex worker. It was a hell of a good time to read and I definitely cried for Harry a time or two.

A Dented Old Street Sign by orphanghost

Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy, 27k word count, one-shot, completed, mature

Draco knows they aren't the only students who will be completing their NEWTs this year, but they are the only ones whose home fireplaces were disconnected from the floo network by the ministry.

At least, Draco assumes as much until he sees the light falling out from the front door of one of the other rickety old houses in front of them and the three figures cast in its warm glow. For a moment they look like some sort of strange, many legged creature. An acromantula, or a particularly massive Blast-Ended Skrewt. Then Draco hears Pansy make a disgusted sound beside him and the light falls in a less blinding way, and Draco can see that it is actually Potter and the Weasel carrying a large couch between them, and Granger fluttering around them with her wand out, seeming concerned.

I don’t think I’ve laughed this much reading a fic in a long time. The golden trio and the Slytherin gang live in the same neighborhood while attending their 8th year at Hogwarts and i swear to fucking god, the amount of mutual pining and angst between Harry and Draco is fucking ridiculous, but you can’t help but love them anyway. Sometimes I wanted to throttle them and then shove them into a closet together so they would just t a l k but like in a good way. also the Christmastime atmosphere is something I just live for.

Words Unread, Things Unsaid by PinkCrupps

Harry Potter, no slash Harry & Snape, 18k word count, 7 chapters, completed, teen

What if the Dursley’s were a little crueler, and a little smarter? What if they didn’t want Harry going to school because they didn’t want anyone to see the bruises?

What if Harry had to leave for Hogwarts, carrying a shameful secret? One that Severus Snape is determined to discover.

When I say this one hurt, I mean it h u r t. I feel so bad because when I first read the tags I laughed when I saw the illiterate tag because I make the “I can’t read” jokes often but then I read the fic and i felt SO BAD OMG.

I am no fan of Snape, let it be known, but this fic, I think made me feel like he actually deserved a bit of a redemption arc (even if it’s fanon). This whole time, all I could think of is giving harry a big hug and never letting him go.

I said this in the notes of my bookmark, and I stand by it: “

I feel like the hurt/comfort tag on this one is also meant for the reader”

What Happens to the Heart by Mossycoat

Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, 33k word count, 18 chapters, completed, mature

With no girlfriend, no job, and no idea what he wants, Harry has decided to let life go on without him. If only prophetic dreams, demanding ghosts, and Draco Malfoy would let him.

If you need a pick-me-up after the sadness for the prior fic, may i recommend this one. Seer!Harry is a headcanon that I had never seen before this fic, and I was not let down whatsoever. We love a fic where the OCs are wonderful and the writing style is immaculate. The incorporation of tarot and divination into the chapter names and plot also makes my babywitch heart s i n g!!

Wrong Place, Wrong Time by Relevant_Peach

Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, 70k word count, 15 chapters, completed, no rating specified, but probably teen/ mature for mental health tingz

Draco Malfoy would do anything to find a cure for his son's life-threatening disease. When he crosses paths with an old acquaintance, it unleashes a string of events that will uncover secrets and deceptions. Will Draco be able to look past the misdeeds of his old lover's past? Will Harry ever find the family he longs for?

Ah yes, who knew that pain could feel so good. Everything seems to be fine until it isn’t with this one.

Turn by Saras_Girl

Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, 306k word count, 14  chapters, completed, explicit

One good turn always deserves another. Apparently.

oh my goD yes a classic we love to see it. This is one of those fics that is long but doesn’t reallly feel like it is? This is definitely another feel-good fic, even if it doesn’t seem that way in the beginning. Not only does it focus on Harry and Draco’s relationship, but also their relationships with their family, specifically their children. It’s just really heartwarming whenever Harry get’s all fatherly with his kids. ugh I swear I don’t want any but this is just SO ADORABLE! Plus Blaise Zabini rights thank you very much.

Also Boris can suck my left toe.

There’s a Pureblood Custom For That by Lomonaaeren

Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, 105k word count, 36 chapters, completed, mature

The day that Harry stops Draco Malfoy and his son from being bothered in the middle of Diagon Alley starts a strange series of interactions between him and Malfoy. Who knew there was a pure-blood custom for every situation?

This is another fluffier one, and I have absolutely no shame. Draco is just trying so hard to get through Harry’s thick, clueless skull and Harry is just trying to understand. They’re just so adorable I can’t. And Harry defending Draco’s and his relationship after people are like fuck naw just warms my heart. Like yes Harry, protect ur mans you adorable himbo you.

Our Own Demons by Emmalie22

Harry Potter, MCU, Harry Potter & Tony Stark, Harry Potter/Peter Parker, 119k word count, 24 chapters, WIP, teen/mature

Tony Stark. Genius. Billionaire. Philanthropist. Ironman. (Reckless. Lonely. Father.)

Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. The Chosen One. Wizard. (The Master of Death. Survivor. Breaking.)

Tony Stark never thought he would be a father. But when a lawyer comes knocking and truths become evident, he realizes that he can’t let his son walk out of his life. For Harry, acknowledging his relationship with Tony is a last-ditch effort to gain freedom and control over his life. Although the journey might not be easy, Tony and Harry learn to heal and become a family, facing trials and tribulations on the way such as a scheming Death, a Mad Titian, Dark Wizards, dangerous Doctors, and living Wards.

I’m so sorry to give you a WIP that hasn’t been updated in 10 months, but I couldn’t let this one slide. I’m so attached to these characters it’s unhealthy. I’m not gonna lie, this fic was the product of a very hyperspecific filtered search on AO3 but I’m not even mad at it. Tony is Harry’s father but unlike the other fic on this rec list, Harry is a bit more grown up and bears a lot of the scars of 5th year (y’all don’t need me to specify with that one). It’s a lovely family dynamic and super fluffy Peter and Harry wow we love to see it. Harry is also super fucking smart AS HE IS! I will never get over people calling him stupid ugh Harry rights. But yes, author friend, if you see this, update when you can I’m so in love with this.

If anybody wants me to do more specific lists, I will totally do so. Just reblog or private message me. And if you have any other fic recs, please do so too because I’m always looking for something else to read.

[neshabeingchildish]

Hensley & Char: Friends or Whatever || Part 6

I have to warn y’all, this chapter has some sadness in it. I tapped into 15 year old me and how I was trying to navigate what I thought back then was me being bi, which IF someone calls me bi, I am not opposed to the able, even being technically ace, but for that time and for my feelings/experience and the language I had access to, that’s what I was considering myself as, but nobody knew that (though I was rumored gay by several people in high school, despite never seeing me in any relationships and me only ever speaking about male crushes to others) LOL, yes, Mama used to have male crushes irl, when I was a kid. But, I tapped into some of myself, but made it more Charlotte-like and leaned on the gay. Idk how well it will or won’t resonate, but I hope that I at least did Charlotte justice in her experience with looking inward, though her results may be disappointing, I hope that they at least come across as realistic, if not relatable or understandable. @just-a-j-reallly @junknstu1f @henryharts I’m not in a rush for feedback, as I know everybody has things going on. Hopefully my tags work out. A lot of people never get notified of them.

Also, as a heads up, the next chapter, whenever that might come, might also be sad too. I’m so sorry. 

The Jasper Juxtaposition

They had been trying to get Jasper into the fold of their outfit for a while. Ray wasn’t having it. Even whenever Charlotte basically throw her pride into a burning bin, seeping with trash juice, to pretend that she was secretly dating Hensley, but that they couldn’t tell anyone because, “Charlotte’s not out of the closet.” At this point, Charlotte was very heavily debating this ruse. 

There was an element of “people shouldn’t lie/joke about being in the closet,” which she strongly and firmly believed in… But… She went along with it anyway, because as she did her backstory for this test on Jasper, she found that she comfortably created the guise. 

“I can say that I’ve been curious about my sexuality for a while, and seeing you out of the closet, living your best gay life inspired me to come to you for advice on how to navigate figuring it out and in the process, we fell for each other and started dating secretly.”

Hensley laughed in her face and said, “It’s Jasper, Char. You don’t have to say all of that. Just be like, “We’re gay together, Dude.” He’s gonna accept it and be super chill about it. I’m not convinced there’s a pile of homo rattling around in him, if we’re being honest. PLUS, he thinks we’re both hot. He’s gonna get a kick out of us kissing and stuff.”

“I’m not kissing you!” Charlotte squealed.

Hensley turned up her nose, “What? Ew. No! Of course not. Ugh. This incites disgust, to think of it.” She shook her head, “Kissing a straight girl… in the mouth? I don’t know where your mouth has been. On boys, probably. I don’t want boy kiss transfer.”

“You kissed Chloe all the time!” Charlotte argued, unsure of why that was her response instead of arguing that she didn’t want to kiss Hensley (and hadn’t been kissing any boys, unless you counted kissing Jack Swagawitz at camp… which… she didn’t), and furthermore…

“Chloe was different, though. I really liked her,” Hensley said.

“You went out with Bianca as soon as you had a window,” Charlotte muttered.

“You told me to go for it! What? Now, I gotta stop listening to my smarter half?”

They bickered up until the moment that Jasper came over for them to feed him the lie. Whoa, were they bad at lying together… Fortunately, it was Jasper. Who, Charlotte was very disturbed by his fascination with the thought of them kissing. “Jasper is fetishing us, and I don’t like it,” she told Hensley.

“He’s not fetishizing you. He’s fetishizing fake lesbian you. It’s different.”

“Yeah, but… He’s… fetishizing lesbians!”

“He’s a dude. Dudes do that,” Hensley said, waving a hand. Charlotte didn’t like that explanation and it was often Hensley’s excuse for a number of sexist and problematic things that happened on her watch. Maybe it was for the best that Jasper didn’t pass the test. Then she’d have a problematic Hensley, and ANOTHER problematic guy at work. Ray was alright. He was nice, enough, but he said stuff sometimes that made her uncomfortable and he didn’t really listen whenever she pointed these things out. (Something that she had no idea would get worse over time, but that’s another subject.

Currently, the subject is Jasper. 

It took a while before Jasper came on board with the team. It took a while before he was ready for this secret. From the time that Hensley and Charlotte “broke up” until then, there were a lot of adventures that Hensley and Char saw together that made them really close in a way that Charlotte and Jasper were not, and even that Jasper and Henry were not. And in a way, for Charlotte, it was a lot like the fabricated story that she had spun - their secret involvement and the connecting together that nobody knew about… Also, since then, she had really been thinking about how easy it was for her to think of that, and how… relatable it felt, how natural it was to even imagine herself, keeping that sort of secret because she couldn’t tell people that she maybe… well… she didn’t really think it was so much a maybe these days… liked girls. 

More specifically, she maybe (and this WAS still a maybe), liked Hensley. Her hopeless heroine who she helped on a daily basis, and loved being so close to, even when she complained and fussed at her about the things that she deserved to be fussed at about. She would probably NEVER let her live down almost getting killed by Jasper’s crazy ex girlfriend, and she was so tired of Hensley always coming to her to get her out of stuff that she warned her about prior to the decision - like when she tried to go to the dance with Chloe as Kid Danger and Bianca as herself… STUPID HENSLEY! Charlotte decided, right around Jasper Dunlop Day that she wasn’t doing this anymore. She was going to explore her options and see what felt right. 

She bought a project board, some cards, and a science journal and she set up, literally in her closet, a little experiment center. She decorated the board, and across the top, had lettered, “Am I Gay?” Her hypothesis?: “I might be gay.” Procedure: Well, she supposed, she had to talk to some people, go on some dates, maybe kiss somebody? She shuddered. The amount of germs in saliva was terrifying to her. In fact, whenever she kissed Jack, she had threatened, “If you slip me any tongue, I’ll slip my fist right into your ribcage!” Needless to say, he slipped her no tongue.

But, her “experimentation phase” generally was not very successful for a number of reasons. 

First and foremost… meeting people? She wasn’t a fan. She joined the Student Council as a means to help her with a bit of self diagnosed social anxiety, but cared a lot about issues, so that she genuinely stayed in it to do community stuff and be a helpful member of the club. She met cool people, too! It was one of her things away from Hensley and away from Jasper, and wasn’t primarily academic, so she held it close to her heart as something for herself and decided against using it, and the fine people she met in it as lab rats for her orientation exploration.

Then, there was the little problem of personal space and unnecessary touching. There were very few people that she allowed into her bubble. Her parents, Uncle Roscoe, Hensley, Jasper, Piper, and Ray, and even with Ray, she tensed up for the longest time whenever he entered her bubble without warning. Even with that select amount of people who could be in her bubble, the only people that could casually touch her were her parents and Hensley. Sometimes Piper, but Piper had the respect to not touch her for no good reason. Unlike Hensley, who she simply had to get used to the fact that the girl was simply GOING TO just stand close, throw her arm around her, hug her, pick her up, play with her hair, tug on her backpack, or whatever she felt like doing at the time, and saying, “You should get permission before touching people,” just became background noise for Hensley, after a while, so Charlotte simply stopped saying it and adjusted. 

Jasper still sometimes got elbowed. It just wasn’t the same thing when a dude just touched you casually, she had initially thought. Maybe that wasn’t it at all and she just didn’t mind girls touching her as much, because she liked them? But… in order to figure that out, she’d have to let people in her bubble and let people casually touch her and see how she felt about it. 

So often, when it looked like somebody was getting too close, she stepped away, creating the distance of comfort for her and also, very clearly letting them see where it was. To the point that everybody who knew her knew not to get too close and everybody in her extracurriculars always did stuff like, “Hey Charlotte, I’m gonna take this lint off of you, okay?” (to which, she’d tell them to show her where it was and get it herself) or “Hi, Charlotte, do you mind if I sit here, or is that too close for you?”(To which she’d tell them to go ahead, but she’d move over more). She’d have to start telling people that being near her was okay, if she wanted to see her reactions to boys and girls and others in her proximity… And nowadays, they didn’t even ask anymore.

Even Mitch Bilsky would take one look at her and say, “UGH. The only space is by the queen of “don’t stand so close to me?” He’d then still do it, and even purposefully make her squirm, but she would resolve to ignore him and he’d get bored and move along.

But, she didn’t have very many times to test this out, and had to eventually rule out trying to get close to people (or let them get close to her) to see if she might feel a little flutter or not. 

Lastly, in addition to not being a people person and not wanting anybody in her personal space, The Man Cave was a whole ass full time job to maintain. She began to wonder what happened to people who previously worked for Ray/Captain Man? Even the ones that were there when she got there, and ones that would pop in and out for little assignments… after a while, she just didn’t see them, and she either was assigned their jobs, or took it upon herself to do them for worry of things going terribly wrong if she didn’t. Things went wrong in general, and she often felt like if she didn’t step in whenever she did, they could be downright disastrous. This job basically became her life. She never signed up for another marathon after dropping out whenever she thought the Super Volcano would kill them. She still had StuCo, but that was school related and when push came to shove, she only forsook the Man Cave for educational purposes, unless it was an extreme emergency.

In fact, she completely gave up on testing it all out and just let it bother her beneath the surface. Her conclusion: I’m more confused than ever, but technically… going to consider myself in the closet.

Imagine if I was as comfortable with myself as Jasper is…

You couldn’t tell that boy nothing. He protested stupid Swellview laws, jumped into hero mode to get his own hero day, wore belly shirts to everyone’s chagrin, was willing to go to tremendous lengths - sometimes extremely embarrassing ones - to get girls, and he overshared weird facts about his body with great excitement that just let you know that he adored these things about himself… 

She couldn’t even with certainty say that she MIGHT like girls, which, she was sure that she absolutely did, but she could hardly admit it to herself, much less out loud. What if it hurt her? What if it affected how she was seen by people on college boards or in the job field, once she left Swellview. Sure… there were YEARS before this happened, but Charlotte had been thinking ahead since she was small, and the moment she felt an inkling that her feelings may be… counterculture, she began to research related laws and statistics. 

Swellview didn’t have a big Black population. In fact, the demographics indicated that there were a lot more lgbt citizens than there were people who weren’t white, period. So, in Swellview, perhaps it wouldn’t be anything to be open about her sexuality… but… what if it was different for her, like a lot of things were. It was often different for her as a girl to be accepted in some spaces, to be listened to, to be respected. And it was frequently double different for her as a Black girl. Even the “good” people made her feel things that she often didn’t want to complain about, because they ALREADY thought she was an angry girl, when she couldn’t think of very many instances in which her anger was not justified. Research told her that was a common issue for Black girls and women. She didn’t have enough around her to touch base with, and was frustrated that she had to consider all of these intersections to even consider whether she would be free enough to have a sexual identity. 

Even with her academic record, immaculate articulation, and non-threatening appearance, Charlotte didn’t have many friends and didn’t have the best reputation. She was a nerd, but also, unfriendly. A Black girl in a male dominant world, in a white dominant city, and to possibly also be gay… she just… she couldn’t just toss that out there and have it attached to her name without knowing, and she felt like a coward for feeling like that. 

What would be the big deal, Charlotte? If that’s who you are… what would be so wrong about that? People be gay all over Swellview… but then again… everyday, she would see people be able to freely do things that she previously thought she WOULD never do, but as she got older realized that she wouldn’t do certain things, because she COULD never do them… not without possibly losing something. Chances? Respect? Heck, in certain areas of the world, her life. But, thinking this hard about it and not coming up with anything to push her to believe that she was indeed a straight girl, despite all of the reasons that it would be SO easy, and she loved easy things, despite her knack for tackling hard things. Why wouldn’t she just accept that she was straight, if that would make all of this anguish and confusion go away? She could just tell herself that she was straight and get it over with and move on… IF she was indeed straight. And if she wasn’t, no matter how much “experimentation” and hypothesizing she did, nothing would make her feel those feelings that she sometimes felt around Hensley, for some boy. 

So… She just sat with it. In her closet. She didn’t experiment and she didn’t hypothesize. But, in her science journal that she had previously been writing all of these things in, she scratched out her conclusion and wrote. 

Conclusion: I’m gay. 

But, she tore the page out and wadded it up. Then, she felt bad, straightened it back out, and slid it back into it's space. She tucked her cards into it and stuffed it into a lock box where she kept keepsakes and stuff, locked it in and got rid of her project board in the Junk n Stuff dumpster. 

She had been handling Kid Danger’s secret for a couple of years now and planned to hold on to it forever. She had time to figure out what to do with her own.

Besides… by the time Jasper got in on the secret… Things changed a lot, anyway.

[xsecretblastsx]

i1x16 - All about my brother

Last week was so busy for me and my brain was so fried I didn’t think I could do this until today. I’m excited to though to reach this episode, only two more two go and S1 will be done. So here we go.

As usual recap under the cut.

Thoughts I had while watching the episode:

This one of my fave uniform looks of Blair. I don’t even know why, but it is.

I so love the Jenny vs Blair dynamic. Because even if I’m rooting for Blair I can’t help but admire Jenny here.

Chuck and Bart are at the Bachelor party in Montecarlo, and he still calls Serena to see how she is. Brother and sis in the making.

Hello Georgina, oh sorry Sarah. Having watched the series already this is a plot I can’t help but roll my eyes at

Jenny telling Eric that he has a crush on her, actually that whole since she reminded me a lot of Regina George when she was fake nice.

Asher was really bad a hiding his relationship, like the dude is kissing his boyfriend right next to the school where anyone could see them.

I wonder who was Mr Spitzer and why he couldn’t be seated near Serena at the wedding, I want to believe there’s a funny story behind it, and not because he’s a perv.

Sure, Jenny’s being a bitch to Dan, and for once he’s in the right, and yet I can’t feel bad for him. 

“Don’t go to France, I’ll be there for you” a throwaway line from Blair, and yet bits like this are what fueled the fandom scale towards Blair for so long, Blair’s drama is petty compared to Serena’s and yet... still to this day people still argue about this mostly against Serena. 

“You look stressed even for you” an acurate description of Dan Humphrey at any given time. And Serena’s so eager to have that in her life, poor girl.

Serena’s turning around while Blair’s describing Jenny as self obssesed, self serving, self centered is hilarious, but hey she knows what she’s talking about

The four G: guys, girlfriends and Gossip Girl.

“Now you know how Vanessa Hudgen feels”, that is so 2008. Worse thing is I remember it.

“Wasn’t me, wish it was”, so Blair.

“Is your brotherly duty to save her from becoming the next Katie Holmes” Seriously this episode is getting quite savage with the not so nice pop culture references, also I dind’t want to remember this.

Dan being like “I don’t want Jenny to get hurt” and Blair pointing out that he should have thought of that before telling all of Manhattann that she’s a  glorified hag is why Dan sucks so bad.

Rufu’s seeing Lily on that wedding dress 

Jenny having a rude awakening, and even though she hates it she still goes along with it. 

Again, he may be right, but thanks Jenny for telling Dan to stop judging everyone all the time.

Serena blowing up Blair, and for once this actually was important. Too bad she couldn’t know that.

I so wish Georgina had refered to Blair as Snow White more in the show. And I guess people loved it because I’ve seen it more than once on fanfic. Also Eric being like “Oh, snow not so white, did you hear that...” but in Eric’s favor that was juicy gossip. 

Now I feel bad for pointing it out earlie the same thing Georgina says here, that was so in plain sight, this was really mean though.

Eric calling Chuck after the fall out, and he sums it up pretty well, the guy may have flaws, but being a judgmental ass  is not one of them. 

One of my fave bits of S1 was all the heartfelt moments between Serena and Eric. 

Blair’s arrival at Jenny’s party: EPIC. “The most importants parties to attend are the onew you’re not invited to” girl is serving. Also one of her most underrated looks in Season one

Georgina, Vanessa, Serena and Dan sitting at a table, talk about akward, also  I don’t know how to interpret this because either: half of the table are sociopaths, or just roll my eyes becaue the writers totatlly forgot about this plot when writing the final season of this show. 

Penelope and Hazel bitching about how their first time’s were awful. Not cool.

I wish we had got a nice moment between Blair and Eric, because they did care about each other, and we got so little between them. Because these kids were family, dysfunctional one for sure, but family nonetheless.

I know Asher was a jerk, and this was a moment of empowerment for Eric, but outing people is never good. Like I get why Eric did it, and he’s also really young, but still. 

Seriously Blair look’s gorgeous this episode.

That scene with Lily and Eric brief as it was really made me emotional, it’s one Lily’s most honest  and realest moment as a mom.

 Jenny raising the white flag, this scene is my second fave scene between them,their power struggle may be over for now, but it was a ride. And I love how honest they get with each other.

So Dan can tell Serena what to do, what not do, talk about her friends, but the moment she tells him she has misgivings about someone, he’s like how dare you! why don’t you trust my judgment... and then list all the bad things she did, and just leaves. He’s the biggest hypocrite ever.

Seriously angry Scrabble? And the words are like... ugh. I just can’t with him.

This is one of my favorite moments of Blair and Serena because Blair’s words are such a perfect description of the bond between them.

That’s such an ending for an episode “I kill someone”

No Chuck or Nate this episode. 

So this episode... it was quite packed. It’s basically the set up for the finale of Season One, putting and end to the Blair vs Jenny storyline and leaving us with Georgina breaking havoc front and center, only to drop the bomb that Serena killed someone. On first watching I remember I was like what? and hitting next episode really fast. Now not so much because this episode was one of those were rewatching reallly felt diferent from the first time. It’s also the one so far were knowing how the show ends was really distracting

I remembered this episode mostly for being the final round of Blair vs Jenny and it being quite a thing to watch, feeling bad for Eric,loving his scenes with Lily and Serena, and that last scene between Serena and Blair. And unlike the episode of Jenny’s birthday, I didn’t enjoyed their struggle for power as much this second time around. Not because I hated or anything, in fact Blair arriving to that party was still epic, I guess it had a lot to do with the fact that this was my favorite Jenny storyline, back then I didn’t knew what to expect, and I was excited about seeing where her character goes next, and now I know, and I didn’t like it how it went in the end, and it was sad to see her so defeated here,because she is never happy, whenever she gets something she wants it turns out it doesn’t make her happy at all, and even knowing that, the way things go, the way she acts, make it hard to root for her.  

I still loved her last scene with Blair though, because it didn’t matter how much antagonism there was between them, they also still saw a bit of themselves in each other, they hate it but they admire each other, and it’s was make their relationship so interesting and why they have these moments of such honesty between them, and sure, here Blair was condecending and Jenny basically tells her that she destroyed her life just to be like Blair, as if being like her was not something good, so each of them believe she’s better than the other, and yet it ends on a really sad not because Jenny’s words “I don’t expect anything anymore” are actually really depressing for a 15 year old girl, and as soon as she turns back towards the elevator, Blair drops the smile, because she gets it. So like I said, a really good scene, and even though I may not be excited about Jenny’s storylines anymore, I’m excited about a certaing scene betweem them in S2. That’s my fave. You can probably guess which one it is.

The other main plot this episode was Georgina still breaking havoc on Serena’s life, this time by blackmailing her, and becoming friends with Dan and Vanessa. Now, I normally don’t like to think that much about future events, particularly how it all ends, because I like enjoying the episodes trying to yes get more insight on why things happened the way it did, and it’s easier to analyse the characters actions and motivations in the moment, rather than focusing in their whole character arc, but this episode I found it pretty impossible to do because, knowing Dan is Gossip Girl means he’s pretending the whole time in a more obvious way, playing it up next to Georgina who’s presented as manipulative, a tad crazy and evil, is hard not to notice how he’s basically the same, and at least Georgina was honest about her nature, Dan on the other hand is not, Penn and the whole internet has being pointing out since  “You” came out about how Penn’s character Joe, is Dan upgrading to murder, and this is where the comparison really cames to life.  It kind of creeps me out. 

Dan aslo makes me really angry, becausse to top it all he gets mad at Serena, for basically not trusting her judgement because he is the trustworthy one in this relationship and she is not, and he drives the point home by listing all the times she has lied to him, never mind that part of the reason she lies is beacause he’s a judgmental ass who has lowkey constantly drilled her with how he loves the good Serena, and this episode he’s even critical of her haning out with Chuck who is a) her soon to be step brother b) someone she’s been reluctant friends with since she was a kid, and he also is critical of her partying, so basically the things she did before she met him, and that’s wrong on itself, but having Dan Humphrey acting all high and mighty because he doesn’t lie to Serena, makes me angry because he being a hypocrite not capable of seeing his own mistakes, never asking for forgiveness is what I dislike the most about his character.

I’ll leave it here for today, because this carries on to the next episode, and because Dan’s gets even worse on the next ones, so I’ll know I’ll be ranting about him even more so, and I don’t want to repeat myself, at least not that much. I’ll end this by remembering that last scene between Blair and Serena, because it’s such a precious moments and the reason why no matter what happened between and how bad it got, they are sisters and love each other to pieces “We're sisters. You're my family. What is you is me. There's nothing that you could ever say to make me let go. I love you”

Random bit’s I’ve noticed:

Lily’s schedule was so full, between disscusing her prenup, a final fitting at Mark Ingram’s Atelier, a mani/pedi, a conference call about an article, an appoitment at Barney’s... oh the good life.

So this episode is where the “whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop” quote cames from. I’ve seen that one on a ton of edits, no one of my fave though.

Funny but if there was one character that really put into practice Blai’rs words about crashing parties it was Vanessa now that I think of it.

Shut up and let me go! I was so obssesed with that song back in 2008. Though when I think of the Ting Tings and Gossip Girl, I have a different song in mind. 

[dracsig]

Oh boy it's that time. To toke up and write about some of the events of this year. Beginning this year I started my job at where I am now and I'm really happy where I am at work, although next year I'll try to promote my position. I'm qualified for higher positions and higher pay, I just have to stop being so lazy and actually applyyy. Speaking of lazyness, that is probably the theme of my life the past 3 years lol I never wanna do anything, and I really deeply enjoy doing nothing at all, but the older I get, the harder is to do nothing :/  Anyway, not much really happened during the first half of the year, that or I can't think of any atm. I'll prolly remember, on a random Wednesday morning, in the shower. But as of now, I honestly can't think of any. Pretty sure I spent the whole first half still playing DBFZ. Btw, I am still obsessed with Dragonball FighterZ, I've gotten really good at it, I'm still competing in it every now and then. I've even been playing Street Fighter 5 recently which is starting to be one of my favorite games. I'm sooo excited for the future game wise AND the PS5 is releasing next year. Ya know, some people, when I was younger and now, would always tell how I would grow out of playing videogames lol boy am I glad they're wrong. Honestly if it wasn't for videogames I... Actually I hate thinking of what my life would even be like without them. 

Then fast forward to like August, that's where the ride actually started. I finally saved up enough money to comfortably move into my own apartment, top 5 best decision of my life so far. A few things I was looking for, was somewhere close to work, somewhere that was cat friendly and didn't kill my bank account and I did that perfect place for me. Of course one of the first things I did when I moved was drive to shelter and adopt a kitty, I couldn't wait to finally own one. I was taking care of my brother's cat too at the time. So after I got my new kitty, Videl, I ended up having two cats with me. Videl and my brother's cat, Mia. They are my babies!!! I love them so much. At first Mia didn't even like Videl ofc, but now they are inseparable. I'm gonna be sad when my brother will have to take his cat back. Maybe by then, I'll get another kitty for Videl to have another friend... I'll worry about this when the time comes. Hmm, that’s actually a cursed phrase for me “I’ll worry about it when the time comes”  oh boy , So many personal topics I should be worried and concerned about now, but I’m always like “I’ll worry about that later” and watch it get worse , Story of my life lmao . Here’s some pics of my babiies at this time 😻

Anyway after I got my kitty I had a trip to Washington and that was okay. When I got back I was excited to see my babies. Then I really started to take advantage of me living, in a bachelor pad basically, it was just me and my kitties. Got to meet a bunch of people, who were nice, for the most part . Living by myself allowed me to have soo much time alone to think about certain aspects of my life (and do alota drugs lol) I have determined I don't think I will ever want to be in a relationship. Just from I've seen and been through this year, I can't see myself completely trusting my partner to not cheat on me lol as silly/dumb as that sounds I’ve watched it happen to many folks and too many people get away with it, I'm too afraid to be in that spot. But honestly I'm enjoying being single, I just do what I want whenever I want. I've noticed how independent I've been feeling lately, which could actual be a double edge sword when I'm not responsible 😅. I've also been noticing just how FAKE people are willing to be just for someone else's approval. Shit makes me sick. I personally haven't fallen for that trap, since like high school, just cause I stop caring about what people think of me years ago, but there are people out there who live for the approval of others. It makes me sick but it happens. All you have to do is be yourself, why worry so much about what someone thinks of you, that you're willing change who you are temporarily, and backstab others just to gain a week long friendship lol. Honestly, just be yourself, and if you don't like yourself, change yourself for the better. But don't backstab others just to appear likeable to someone else ugh. Shit irks me man. I have learned to just let these kinds of people out my life just cause they bring me too much negativity and anxiety, life's 10/10 without em. I don’t even know how I got on that topic holy shitt I wrote so much already , this might be longer than the other years , lowkey enjoying doing this, looking back at somet hings throughout the year :thinking:

Meh , on a lighter note, I have watched some pretty good movies and series this year. Avengers: Endgame, Spiderman Far from home, Detective Pikachu, Shazam, Joker, Dragonball Super Broly (ofc they’re all superhero/fantasy movies) to name a few. I plan on watching Booksmart and Parasyte soon. I also just watched Marriage Story on Netflix last night, that movie was soo damn good, had so many well written scenes. Favorite Netflix movie so far . I basically watched all of Bojack Horseman this year and it is on my top 5 favorite show, that and South Park . Game of Thrones’s last season was earlier this year, it was good, could have been way better, but the show that TRULY caught my attention and kept it, is Attack on Titan. 

Attack On Titan became my favorite show/media/manga ever of all time. Nothing will ever beat the story telling of AoT for a very long time imo. The manga is very close to finishing, and the last season will be late next year. I honestly hope that when I die, it will be after the last episode airs and after I’ve read the last chapter of the manga, then I’d be content 😅. Dead ass, I re watched the anime so many times and finally re read the manga from the beginning and my mind is blown with every page I read, HOW can an author come up with such disturbing, yet fascinating way of telling such a deep story? Wow, I can go on about that show FOREVER, It became my favorite show all time and I want to always remember it.

I know i missed a bunch of topics I planned on touching, but I’m gonna end up writing PAGES if I talk about everything. I reallly enjoyed this year though.

Just as before, I wanna say hi to my future self reading this in December 2020 . I have no way to predict anything about next year at all. Same with this year, I didn’t expect anything that happened to me (good or bad) I just rolled with it. I guess that’s life?? Hoping 2020 will be just as good, if not better :)

[tellywoodtrash]

ebss 10.06.19 lb

firstly i'd just like to say to manohar:

moving on...

kya fayda of all this heropanti when we know she's gonna waste time getting soft??

ishaani is me af. FUCKING SHOOT HIM SIS.

these idiots are still just trying to find the place. lordddddddd.

huh, kavya chooses to go with pk instead of dhruv. interesting.

ab toh manohar is also telling to shoot, idk what the f muhurat she's waiting for.

AND HE'S CONFESSING TO KILLING THEIR DAD ALSO DUDE SRSLY WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO GET YOU TO SHOOT???????

....... yup. i mean, it's what i'd do if i was manohar too.

i'm bored and fwding.

yup.

last ditch useless attempt from ishaani. like..... why did he even stop coz of that?

JANHVI HONESTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAURI KUMARI SHARMA IS SHAKING HER HEAD IN DISBELIEF AND DISAPPOINTMENT AT YOU. SHE'D HAVE DANGAL TACKLED THIS FOOL OFF THIS CLIFF 4 TIMES OVER ALREADY.

fucking finally.

first ever time in the show i have not hated the sight of pk.

oh shit did she get shot too???

OH SHIT SHE'S STUMBLING BACKWARDS WTF JANHVI NOOOOOOOO

phew.

oh look who finally showed up.

yeah literally no one gives a fuck about you dhruv. let me have my KaVi sismance in peace.

is pk ok???? why's he just standing there?

ugh fuck off dhruv.

meanwhile pk is doing "cleanup".

yes, make yourself useful by getting to ishaani.

ouff tum sab ke rone-bilakne se kya hoga, take her to the damn hospital.

bye manohar. you won't be missed at all, you vile shitstain of a human being.

ofc. like the oberois, these ppl too don't believe in taking the sick/wounded to the damn hospital. man you rich ppl are whack.

kabir has his "something smells fishy" face on.

(man they really gotta figure zain's styling/angles out, coz this show makes him look like a little teapot, short and stout. sure, he's not as dishy as he used to be in nk, but this lvl of fuckery is ridiculous.)

oh ho, no doubts or secrecy whatsoever about who murdered manohar. it's just another monday around here where pk killed someone who pissed him off. cool cool cool cool cool cool.

kabir does not approve.

oh kavya slooooooowly sliding into everyone's hearts.

lol ofc this sassy shit can't shut the fuck up rn and is being passive aggressive to pk about his choice in employees. AT LEAST WAIT TILL YOU’RE OUTSIDE, MAN.

return fire from dad; “YOU’RE the secret agent here. find out what happened and tell me too.” lolllllllllllll.

dhruv has finally had enough. and for once i'm on his side. kahin bhi shuru ho jaate ho tum log.

sorry kehke 3 second nahi hue, his dimaag is racing again, ki come let's interrogate ishaani. abbe yaaaaar.

SONALI JUSTTTTT SAID THAT SHE'S IN SHOCK AND SLEEPING DO NOT GO BARGE IN THERE

BITCH WHAT DID I JUST SAY??????????

even in her sleep she's doing kabir jaap. behen, obsession ki hadh hai yeh.

someone's peanut butter and jelly.

oh. even she's getting triggered.

ok i've never known anyone to slip on peppercorns like this ffs.

ofc.

oh god return of that sad wailing tune of theirs. why????????

god kabir nothing you're saying today is as helpful as you think it is. how about you just keep that stupid mouth of yours shut for a bit? just till the end of this hellish day. pls and thanks.

suddenly sexual tension. yeah talking about ppl being khoon mein latpat is real conducive to that.

also wtf, there's like a good 3 kilos of peppercorns on the ground.

oh god this fool now wants to go investigate at the spot of the incident. as if he doesn't have enough problems in his life already.

........... ok? this is a weird and awkwardly prolonged end to the scene?

two kameenas talking about inability to understand why third kameena did what he did.

oh manohar apparently had a room here. which they're gonna search.

not if kavya madam has anything to say about it. kabir nosy, toh yeh superrrrrrrrrrr-nosy. khub jamegi jodi.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

this b reallly has zero boundaries. ainvayi begaani shaadi mein abdulla deewana she's being. she doesn’t even know the equation manohar has with the fam.

oh shit oh shit oh shit.

———————————————————————

OMG THIS DUMBASS SHE WILLINGLY JUST WALKED UP AND GAVE THE FILES TO PK AND RAGHAV OMFG KAVYA YOU'RE THE WORSTTTTTTTTTT

[izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

I feel relieved letting out my feelings. I felt a little bottled up. I didn’t wanna speak bc i was afraid of getting upset and being a fool. But it was a safe environment. Things were talked about. I’m somewhat content and somewhat sad. I also have to remember to be understanding and practicing acceptance.

I’m happy we were able to talk and not be upset. That was so refreshing. Beyond refreshing. Tanning like adults. Just pure peace and honesty and vulnerability🥺 i know it doesn’t mean much. But we’ve reallly come so far.

I’ve really come so far. I don’t want to yell. I want to be silent and listen. And also speak my true feelings. That was really big for me. I really did that. And I can’t wait to keep doing that.

I do wish he’d open up more. I don’t know. I feel like I’m really emotional or something. I really just speak how i feel or what i what to say out loud. I was just pouring out my feelings and he’s just kind of replying to me. Don’t get me wrong he showed emotion and so much compassion, more than I could ask for. I’m just curious but also want to be a safe space like him. I can’t really be that vulnerable with everyone else. It also makes me sick being a girl with all these feelings like who am i. Plus, I’m also just sure that’s just how he is. Straight in his mind and his answer is final. Very sexy. Sheesh. But also ugh open up you hairy butt.

I don’t know why society messed up peoples heads with the idea of a man being headstrong. Like he needs to be a little spoon and forehead besitos too 🥺.

[pinkniall]

Rate the 1Ds solo careers. DO IT. Don't chicken out.

OH GOOOOD don’t do this to meeee ugh. okay. Please don’t send me hate.

5. Liam. I really really liked Strip That Down and was excited for more, but his other songs are... not my cup of tea. I think he is so talented and I love when he sings songs that I like (his What about us cover for example) but the whole sexual, rap, all that is just... not my thing and it’s like, I’m sorry Liam, I will still buy his album and go to his tour and everything because I love him.

4. Louis. Kind of the same as with Liam, his music is not my cup of tea. I reallly really like Miss You and Just Like You though and I hope more songs on the album will sound like that. I will support the fuck out of him though and I will literally sell a kidney to go to his tour because he is amazing live and I love him.

3. Zayn. Some of his music I REALLY REALLY love (Pillowtalk, Dusk till Dawn) but some of his music I don’t like. He is so talented though, his voice is amazing and I just wish it... made sense a bit more what he did. I feel he is being screwed over a lot and that’s sad. I hope he will feel safe in himself soon and come perform because I wanna see him live again.

2. Harry. All in all, Harry’s music isn’t really my cup of tea either but my love for Kiwi knows no limits, like wow. And also, Harry Styles is without a doubt one of the best artists I’ve ever seen on stage. He also means a lot to me personally, I feel... protective over him almost, and he also makes me very happy and I feel grateful he exists. He is a great person and even though he is not perfect, I feel he grows and does his best and I love him so much. Seeing him live was... everything. That I was so close and I think he looked at me once was even better.

1. Niall. Okay I know this is no surprise to anyone. Niall is perfect for me. His music is exactly what I love, his whole album is everything I wanted and he is amazing live. He is genuine, sweet, kind and so grateful and I want to give him the whole fucking world. I would honestly die for Niall Horan and this is so surprising because I really didn’t feel this way when he was in One Direction so honestly, thank you to the hiatus for making me see Niall and I feel sad I didn’t before but... well I do now. And I love him.

[sunshine-on-a-cloudy-day]

Enough Tears To Sink A Boat - The Bachelor Week 7

My thoughts while watching The Bachelor. - I want Rachel to NOT cry over him. - Raven. It is not heartbreaking. HE ONLY WANTS TO BE FAMOUS! - He has to be getting SO much sand in his shoes while he is subconsciously digging in his heels. - WHAT? He wants to QUIT? A big part? Good. Grief. - Vanessa, DO NOT CRY OVER HIM! - His tan is surprisingly nice. - Really? THE MOST SCARED YOU HAVE EVER BEEN? - WHAT? Your relationship with her didn't compare AT ALL? Not even to your relationship with Corinne? - All of a sudden, they went from tears to laughter. - Can I PLEASE move in to that house???? - Also, Danielle's antler necklace is super cute. - Ha. Vanessa got her second one-on-one before Corinne even got her first. - "You lucky bitch." *straight face* - Hahahaha. "I'm getting frustrated and I'm really bloated!" - She is so pretty. - Oh boy. His livestrong bracelet. - Corinne, you are the ONLY one who doesn't see any depth to Vanessa. You think YOU have more depth??? - They are actually having a really good conversation. - Vanessa. You are not the luckiest person ever. This is Nick Viall we are talking about. - Oh gosh. She "loves" him. - HA. Raquel is your best friend in the entire world? Hahahahahahaha. - Her hair looks so gross. - Daaaaaaang. Vanessa's dress, tho. - He is just so normal with her. The way that he is talking to her is so n.a.t.u.r.a.l. - She says the FILWY line and he is all of a sudden super romantic and sweet. - Okay, wait. - Is he getting upset about this? - That actually makes sense. He only wants to say it to one person. - Plus, we all know that if he says it before the finale to a girl, that girl will definitely be going home. - THIS IS VAGEEN WEEK! - Actually, you ARE the queen of group dates... - Daaaang. Kristina with the sunscreen. - "That inner thigh..." Ewww. - Lolol. "Guys, I am pretending that this isn't a group date! Forget about the effing island!" - "Are they toothless?" Lol - "Most likely to be eaten today is Corinne..." - Raven. That girl. - Holy smokes. They are literally swimming with sharks. - Corinne is wondering what Kristina is doing, being terrified of swimming with sharks and taking Nick away from the date...doesn't she leave dates to NAP? - This pool reminds me of the ANTM season where their final show was "walking on water". - Ewwwww. He was kissing Kristina with his eyes open. - "Sorry. I have something in my eye..." - Raven is so wise. - She still calls her dad "Daddy"... - Oh, so she went to law school 2 years ago... - yeah. Corinne is reallly nervous. - Please stop talking about you both in 3rd person. - This is NOT the same guy who goes on dates with Vanessa. - Yikes. Giving out that rose KILLED the mood in the room. - This performer is short! - My local news just said they were announcing the next Bachelorette, tonight at 11. Umm, WHAT? - She is so cute. - WTF. Typical guy. Can't pass up sports... - This conversation is soooooo awkward. He looks awkward. - Yikes. - All these girls, talking about how great Danielle's date must be going...jokes on you all, ladies! - Danielle is PAINFULLY flat chested. - She is so soft spoken and she is struggling to force this connection. - No romantic music. - Danielle. You ask too much! He CAN'T tell you how he feels! - Oh no. Here it goes. Look at his face. - Oh. NO. - NO! - She was my final rose in my bracket! WHATISHAPPENING? - Wow. Harsh. - Sorry doesn't really cover it, Nick. - Your a-hole smirk. - "Not great enough." :( - YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN WHAT NICK VIALL THINKS OF YOU! - This is so sad. - Ugh. Corinne. - Corinne is not pretty. - Hahaha. He is feeling awkward. - Yeah Nick. We know that you are surprised. We get it. - He can't even let her finish her sentences. - "Let's go to your room for a second." HA! - This is so so so awwwwkward, hearing it from behind a closed door. - B.A.R.F. - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. He shut her down. - That was exactly what he did with Kaitlyn! - She is embarrassed. - Oh, he acknowledges that the Kaitlyn thing was a mistake. - Yikes. So awkward. - You think having sex with him is "something nice and very cute"? - Where is Vanessa in all these group shots???? - I LOVE Rachel's skirt! - He is remarkably aware of how he is going to come across to the families... - Awww. Cute. They are cute. - WHERE IS THE SWEET ITALIAN ANGEL??? - Corinne looks like she is going to barf. - Ah. A heart-to-heart with dad...wait...I mean, Chris Harrison. - Nick, were you raised in a barn? Do you just leave doors open at home when you walk in? WTF? - Corinne's break down is the perfect example of when someone who is immature is put into a high stress situation. - Kristina is so over this. She is so over hearing him give these excuses. - Kristina is BAE. - Weeellllll, he did give you a fair chance, actually. - She is so strong. - Sooooo close to no tears. - At least she didn't cry in front of Nick! - All the girls must have really liked her. - Corinne. He isn't THAT unpredictable. This show has a format that they pretty much stick to.

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

New endings and beginnings

I really like Evan. 

Super cheesy but I guess Tumblr is as good of an online diary as anything. 

Weird mental space this Christmas; 

My third time traveling out of Indy in 2 months and this time I’m feeling more whole and happy about myself and my future since the break up. Well honestly since... damn, since maybe 4 years in to our relationship. So since I was 22? 

Idk; Evan reminds me of how happy I can be with someone. 

He fits a lot of what I’m looking for, and we both are interested in monogam-ish lifestyle. I honestly thought I’d never find that in Indy. But there he is! 

And he’s nice! So nice!! And cute!! So adorably cute.  And doing things with his life, and interested in raves/festivals, and funny, sarcastic, smart, witty, and just a very interesting person. 

I’d gush over him more but I’m still trying to keep things slow; I’m not-so-subtly teasing and making it known that I have high standards, and like to be treated. I think he gets it; 

And it’s weird how little I’ve thought of A the last few weeks. Not weird, just different. I’m okay going back to an airport and not seeing his car there. I’m okay driving around Broad Ripple, and seeing the memories of us there. I still CANNOT drive by his house, but I can do most anything else. Oh except go into a fucking H&C cafe, that’s definitely a nope. I’m happier without him somehow. I’m getting new experiences and new hope for fun times; fun things I wouldn’t have been able to experience if I were still with him. He wouldn’t get why I would want to rave, why I would want to wear what I did (god forbid the jealousy of seeing me in booty shorts at a rave lol), he’d be too jealous for me to make guy friends at raves or festivals or anything. It makes me sad how little I think of him, but honestly at the same time I’m so happy and excited about what I get to do now without him. I don’t feel so encumbered. I can see more clearly what my potential is, where I can go, the things I can feel and experience, and people I can do it with. 

Idk. I’m tired of moving fast and being let down. And fuck being objectified by weirdos; I like Evan. There’s nothing weird so far.  I don’t want to pin all my hopes and fucking dreams and future on this guy so pacing it out and going on other dates is my best bet to keep myself level-headed. Goddamn though. I am reallly excited to go back to Indy and see him in person. 

I can still remember how on our last date - I was rushing down after parking my car. Coming down the escalator, I was 15 min late to meet up because of traffic and fucking parking - texted him on the escalator. Out of breath, stressed; and I catch his eye, he’s holding a coffee and just waves a little. I very obviously destressed in that moment. He was cute ☺️  and I felt shitty for being so late and apologized a ton but he was so understanding! 

Ugh fuck it I really like him so far. I’m excited to spend NYE and NYD with him. I’m really fucking excited and still feel bad about cancelling my plans with Monling but my excitement vastly eclipses the guilt. I’m happy ☺️ He makes me happy!  It’s nice to feel happy about someone and being someplace after a long time of feeling fucking shitty everyday. 

 Yay for NRE