#i need a prequel about the Franks RIGHT NOW!

[theancientwise]

HOLY MOLY!!

Ladies and gentlemen, I've finally found the one actor who would be perfect as Charlemagne, Holy Roman Emperor, king of the Franks and the Langobards, Vikings' emperor Charles' grandfather (and shadow), in an hypothetic (but i so wish it'd be real) spinoff/prequel about the Franks: Alexander Wust (who did play the Magne in a german docmovie about the frank monarch). And, naturally, our beloved princess Gisla's paternal gran-granpére.

I mean...

THIS. IS. PERFECTION.

[ayabeanworks]

Title: Can I meet you again?

Synopsis: AU in which Geto does not defect, but you do instead.

Character: SaShiSu x reader

Series: Let's Meet in the Spring (SaShiSu x reader)

Notes: Literally just heavy angst & sadness. Mentions of death, murder, suicide and reincarnation. Heavy themes. Lots of swearing. Spoilers for JJK season 2 (anime).

Part 2 available here!

Prequel available here!

AU sequel available here!

The songs I had playing while writing this was: - Hero by Alan Walker (Probably played this one the most that it's at the top of my repeated songs Spotify list ☠️) - Apollo (Eurovision ver) by Timebelle - Dancing With Your Ghost by Sasha Sloan

"Oh?"

Shoko stared at you as you waved at her with a bright smile, brows raising in surprise as she took out a new smoke in the Shinjuku smoking area.

You made your way over to her, finding that she wasn't pushing you away. It was good to see a friend after a while, but you weren't too sure if you had that privilege anymore.

For you, you were testing the waters.

"Hey, Shoko." You took out a lighter from your pocket, one-handedly opening it for her to light her cigarette.

"Fancy seeing you here. You need something from me?" She glanced into your direction, taking a shallow inhale and extending her exhale.

You hummed in reply. "Just testing my luck."

"So, just to be sure, are the claims false?"

"Unfortunately, they're true." You could only bring yourself to shrug lightly, looking ahead. From your peripherals, you could see her taking out her phone to call the others.

"Just to be sure again: why?"

"I want to create a world where jujutsu sorcerers don't have to struggle." You didn't elaborate.

"Wow, that's funny!" Shoko laughed lightly, but there really wasn't anything humourous behind it. It was as if she was contemplating asking more. After all, everyone and everything struggles, so what is this righteous talk from you?

"Do you think I'm wrong?" You asked, hearing the faint ringing of her phone as she waited for one of the others to pick up.

"Right or wrong, it was dumb." Shoko didn't even hold back on her words, making you genuinely laugh at how frank she was, regardless had you been granted a bounty.

"Gojo, Geto, [name]'s here with me in Shinjuku." Gojo seemed to say something on the other side, but Shoko retorted, "No way! I don't wanna die." She hung up after conveying her message.

"So, what will you do now?" She turned to you, exhaling a puff of smoke into a ring above her head.

"I don't know. I might see you around, I guess." You took a step forward, facing her. "See you later, Shoko." You knew Gojo and Geto would be here at any moment, but you didn't know if you wanted to face them.

Shoko didn't say anything in response, just watching as the ashes fell from the cigarette between her fingers.

You didn't see, but it was the first time Shoko has made an expression where she was at a loss of what to do.

And, that was the last time you saw Shoko.

"WAIT, [NAME]!" Satoru bellowed out to you as you walked away, in front of the KFC you all used to go to until recently.

He caught up pretty fast...where's Sugu? You sensed his curse energy, but you weren't sure where it was. As for Satoru, he was only a few metres away from you down the slope of the street.

You sighed inwardly, ready to face him. "'toru."

The nickname you usually call him by hurt him more this time around as he registered how unaffectionate your voice was, contrary to the usual. It was devoid of any emotion. Like you didn't care about what you left behind. Like you didn't care about him.

"Explain yourself, [name]!" He demanded, sunglasses further down his nose as he watched you with wide eyes full of emotions of all kinds, but you mainly picked out disbelief and anger.

"There's nothing else to say. You've heard from Shoko." You stated, watching the twitch in his face as he evaluated your dismissive answer.

"So you'll kill anybody who makes life hard for Jujutsu sorcerers? Both sorcerers and non-sorcerers?" Satoru's voice rose in anger.

After all, you did kill an elder a week ago. It was the one that'd been annoying you since forever, the one who tried to get you purposely killed each and every time you went on a mission. Killing him was much easier than you had imagined, though.

"Well, if natural selection isn't going to do anything, I might as well do it instead." You crack a light joke, but your words were serious.

"That's not what I'm asking! I thought you were against killing if there was no meaning to it?!"

"There's a meaning behind everything. A purpose, even."

"No there isn't! You want to make a world where Jujutsu sorcerers don't suffer? That's impossible!"

"Satoru's right, [name]." Geto spoke from behind you, his voice wafting through the air as he went to stand closer to Gojo as he faced you. "There's a purpose to everything, but there's a better way of doing things than say, homicide. Especially for us in the Jujutsu world."

You wanted to scoff. But, you couldn't, because you used to be that way, too. But everything ate away at you, and you just weren't the same person anymore with the same aligning morals. You chose to go down the path you've decided to go down, even if it meant deserting everything you knew before.

"Is it really impossible?" Your voice was light, but the lilt in it was undeniably laced with seriousness. "I wouldn't do this if there was a shred of impossible in it."

The alarm on their faces was really something.

"[name]...you'll need to fight us if you keep going down this path." Suguru spoke his words deliberately, slowly, like he was getting a child to listen to him. He was careful.

Satoru clenched his teeth and fists. He wanted to say that it was impossible yet again, that when you fight them, you'll lose. But, you knew that. You knew, so why?

"Wow, I'll get to fight the 2 strongest sorcerers!" You clapped your hands together once, a smile on your lips, one that didn't reach your eyes. "Maybe so, but you're not my targets. There's some smaller fish compared to you I must get rid of first."

"Why?" Geto voiced both Gojo and his thoughts, a quick glance at Satoru knew he wasn't going to be able to hold a proper conversation without shouting.

"Why?" You echoed his question. "Well, for starters, we're treated like shit, in both worlds regardless sorcerers or non-sorcerers. Do you remember? The elder I killed, he was truly one who deserved to die. The number of times he ignored protests, warnings and more...killing off our sorcerers one by one, do you really believe someone like him being alive is worth all that struggle? For him, he deserves to die for that alone."

Geto was about to open his mouth after a thought, but you interrupted him. "Also, he was a paedophile so he deserves everything that's come his way. The world needs none of those disgusting pigs."

You couldn't forgive him. You couldn't forgive such a disgusting creature existed. When you found out the information coincidently, you knew you had to do something about it.

The anger in your eyes was juxtaposed by the small smile on your lips, one that was almost proud of what you did.

Satoru couldn't contain himself any longer, "Yeah, he was a fucking piece of shit, but killing him? That's made you one of the sorcerers we've got to kill! You're to be executed on sight! You're a hypocrite, [name]. Are you trying to get all the sorcerers you want to protect to come kill you?"

You watched him as he heaved a breath, his eyes feeling heavy on your form as he tried to convey his distraught to you about the whole situation.

You barked out a laugh, a hand landing on your hip as you stared at him, no trace of the smile on your features anymore.

"Hypocrite?" The question lay on the tip of your tongue, before you let out a low chuckle, feeling your throat go dry. "Perhaps you're right; I am. I am a hypocrite who wants death as much as those geezers who send us out to kill ourselves."

"Oh, and you forgot one detail. I don't care about sorcerers and non-sorcerers at all. They're equally as bad as each other. The only difference is that sorcerers have the power to wield cursed energy and use it to destroy curses made up from the normie's emotions." You gave him a half lie. It was easier to push him away. Push him away so he won't be able to break the armour you've put up.

"And what of him dying? Are the elders going to retire themselves? Or will they KILL us sorcerers first?" Your voice became an octave higher as you emphasised words that made you emotional.

"After I kill them, you can then reform the society as you wish. You could probably kill them yourself, 'toru, but you won't take that step. That's why I'll take that step instead." You give him a crooked smile, "There's nothing here worth living for."

"Nothing worth living for?" Satoru repeated your words, taking off his sunglasses, watching you with his blue eyes, and you could see the monstrous waves of emotion behind them. "Are you fucking blind?"

Suguru glanced over at Gojo, hoping he didn't have to inject himself in between to stop it from escalating further.

"No, I am not fucking blind, Satoru!" A chip from your facade broke off, revealing a mess of emotions in the split second your voice broke. "Do you understand how suffocating it is living in this world? Where all your friends die in front of you, or there's a chance they'll die on their next mission? Where the strongest wins - and in this world, if the curses aren't the strongest, the sorcerers at their highest standing are!"

"You know I--" He began, but you cut him off.

"I know you hate them as much as I do! But I'll do whatever it takes to get rid of them, even if it means forsaking you all to do it." You almost sound like you're pleading by the end, your eyes starting to tear up.

"And after. When they're gone, you can reform the system, and control it in the way that works best for this generation." You force a smile to your lips, but it doesn't reach your eyes. "Someone has to be the bad guy, and I'm willing to play the role, even if I may die in the process."

"[name], this can be done differently--"

"I'm tired, Satoru. I've tried. I've tried, and I'm tired. Why don't you understand that?" You whisper, shaking your head. "Do you know how many times I've tried talking to the higher ups, or anybody for that matter? No, you don't. You've been on missions this whole time, so you don't know. Even Suguru doesn't know the full extent of it. Shoko knows a bit, but she's not one who can do much about it."

Suguru and Satoru were silent for a moment, their eyes on you as your expression gave away everything you wanted to say.

"I won't be there, but it's a sacrifice worth making if you all aren't in danger. I don't care about anything else." Your words were soft, soft enough for them to hear you, soft enough for you to hope to convince yourself it was the right way and you didn't make the wrong choice.

Satoru and Suguru were the strongest duo. But, before they were, they were your best friends, along with Shoko. But now? Were you still able to call them your best friends? Did you even have that privilege anymore?

But, this is the path you took. Even if it meant abandoning those that you held dear, it was all for them. The real truth to your purpose and change of heart was to make a world easier for them, and for you, and for everybody who came after you. You didn't want anyone else to experience what you have, and you were going to do whatever you can to make that a reality.

You didn't give a flying fuck about anything else other than your best friends, if you were being honest. If it meant that you won't be by their side anymore, it was a sacrifice you were willing to make.

"So, I won't stop. This world is absolutely fucked. Why save something that can't be saved no more? I'd rather go down fighting. Morals be damned."

Your eyes glistening with tears unshed, you press your lips into a genuine smile. The last genuine smile before giving them a wave, "I guess this is goodbye. The next time I see you, 'toru, Sugu, we'll be enemies."

You turned on your heel, ready to leave, but you felt the curse energy expand from behind you, like they were readying to attack.

But, you kept walking, and nothing happened.

Satoru's outstretched hand fell back down to his side as he swore a string of curses, the pain on his face evident as he watched your figure disappear in the crowd of people.

Suguru had half a mind to get one of his curses to follow you, but he knew you well enough that the curse would be killed the minute you felt his cursed energy, so he didn't even bother.

His clenched his hand into a fist, a bitter taste in his mouth. He remembered back to when he was in a similar situation to you, but you and the others managed to get him out of it. He felt saved, but now, seeing it happen to the very person who helped him, made him shatter inside.

Why did you help him, when you couldn't even help yourself with your own words? Why didn't you let them help you? Why didn't you let them know you were having a hard time? That this was what you were contemplating?

He would have listened. They would have listened. They always would.

He felt a cold shiver go down his spine as he watched the endless stream of pedestrians, ones he used to call 'monkeys' in his head, but when letting go of that thought, you were at the forefront of his mind. It was you who grabbed his hand, you who brought him back.

It was you.

But he wasn't able to bring you back. He wasn't able to bring back the one who had nowhere else to go. The one who didn't know what to do with their emotions. The one who got lost.

But would he really call you lost when you knew what you wanted to do, where you wanted to go?

Suguru knew you weren't malicious. At least, not originally. The essence of you, he knew, was someone who cared greatly. One who had their heart on their sleeve when talking about anything and everything, especially with them. He didn't worry about you because you were always ok. But, there were things you didn't tell them and they didn't know, because you never let that part see the light of the day.

The only thing that Suguru felt in his chest, was regret. Regret so raw he felt cold and numb.

Satoru muttered another string of curses, turning on his heel, "Let's go, Suguru." His voice was small, and he didn't want to say any more.

He pondered all the possibilities of you. But he couldn't make himself understand you like you understood him. Which is what made it even more painful.

"I'm not as strong as you." Were words you once said to Satoru.

A forgotten conversation, one you started when he had come into your room even though the light was off, finding comfort in your presence. He wanted to sleep in the same bed or at least the same room, but you were still awake, sitting up in your bed and watching the stars and sky from your window.

Satoru didn't say anything as he climbed into your double bed, comfort filling his whole being from your calming scent alone. He wouldn't admit it, but it was one of his favourite places to be when he had turmoil in his mind.

"Yeah, you're weak." He mumbled, his face squished against the pillow as he faced you.

He could see the illuminated outline of your features from the moon, finding them captivating as he watched you with half-lidded eyes.

No, you're strong, were the real words he wanted to say. But, he had always called you weak, so he was going to continue. What harm was there?

You turn your head slightly, gazing at him with a soft smile. It was like you knew what he wanted to say, but didn't hold anything against him for saying the opposite of what he truly felt.

"You're right," You whispered. "I'm weak."

You went to close the curtains, slipping back into bed with Satoru as you closed your eyes, ignoring the gaze on you as you drifted off to sleep.

Satoru had a feeling those words were in reference to something else, but he had no idea what. He felt an invisible wall between you and him from the interaction just now, one that shouldn't be there lest he had his infinity on. But he never did unless in certain situations.

"You're plenty strong, [name]." He whispered this, bringing his finger to tap your forehead, before he also went to sleep.

You weren't asleep yet, so you heard his comment. It warmed your heart, the freezing depths of it wanting to thaw. It made you want to spill the inner turmoils of your mind, but you were scared it would taint the bright sun that is Satoru.

Satoru's a lot sweeter than he lets on, you let a small smile grace your lips as you face him to sleep.

Thinking back to that conversation, Satoru leaned back in the chair of your room, wondering where it all went wrong.

Were you trying to reach out to him back then? Or were you asking him for some form of confirmation? Were you trying to let him know you were not alright? What did you want?

He wasn't as good at reading emotions like Suguru was, but he knew something was wrong when something was wrong. He just didn't know how to approach it.

He wondered, if he had indulged you that time, would you have let him in?

"You had another fight with the elders, huh." Suguru stated, seeing your current state. He sat where the vending machines were, having just taken a seat after taking a shower. The can of green tea he had in his hands was opened and given to you, "Drink up."

You held an angry expression prior to this, but being with Suguru made you calm down. You took the green tea and took a small sip, savouring the bitter flavour. It was refreshing.

You handed it back to Suguru, "Thank you." He took it back and took a large gulp, feeling it cool down his body.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" Suguru prodded. He knew something was up. Normally you'd be more like Satoru when you came out pissed from the elders meetings. But this time, you were quiet, more like you were seething, like a volcano about to erupt.

You stared at the ground, wondering what you should start with. You felt that all the words exchanged between you and the elders wasn't listened to, wasn't taken into account. It was like talking to a massive brick wall, one that you had no way to get through to.

"I..." You started, but your throat clammed up. You stopped, waiting for the words to come naturally. When your throat finally decided it was ready to talk, your voice was a whisper. "If the elders disappeared, would this all end?"

Suguru's gaze landed on you, knowing full well what you were thinking. He gave you the green tea again. You took it, and another sip.

"If the elders disappeared, others would take their place."

Suguru could feel something was wrong. The atmosphere was different with you, just like how it was different for him a year ago after the star plasma vessel mission. He could sense it in his very being, something was wrong.

"If the others took their place, would they act the same as the ones now?" You chuckled to yourself, but your voice dropped an octave, "Jujutsu society is trash."

There was a slight panic that welled up inside Suguru, reminding himself of the emotions he himself went through not too long ago.

He could see himself in you, and he hated it. Not the one who had helped to bring him out of it, the one who reached out their hand to bring him back to the light. Not you.

"[name]. You don't hate all sorcerers, do you?" His voice was calm, probing for information for your current state of mind.

Back then, he was on the verge of deciding whether to continue as someone who protected the weak, or someone who didn't care for the weak. And now, you were going through something similar. He wanted to bring you back to him, to the one you saved.

After a moment, you shook your head. "I don't. I just...hate how the elders are sending out young sorcerers to their deaths. I hate how there are young Jujutsu sorcerers being taken away from their families so they can train to be another one of us disposables. I hate how no matter what, the top dogs in this world are absolute trash, who need to be burned at the stake. And don't get me started on curses. They're the worst. I hate them. I hate them so much for taking away so much from everyone. From sorcerers, from non-sorcerers..."

A pregnant pause.

"I hate this world that has curses." Your voice cracked at the end of it as you leaned down, head in your hands as you stared at the ground, a broken whisper of self-awareness, "I hate how I've begun thinking this way."

Suguru didn't know when he had held his breath. Your confession was so raw. You had every right to be angry and frustrated at the system which Jujutsu was. He had also held the same thoughts.

"Sugu..." There was a heartbreaking whine to your voice, one that sounded as if you were on the verge of crying. "I hate this."

An embrace, so gentle, so tender, so soft, enveloped you as his larger body wrapped around yours. You could smell the soap he used as he pushed your face into the crook of his neck, his larger hand stroking your hair as you finally let the tears fall, a broken sob reverberating through your body as you held onto him like he was your lifeline.

"[name], I'm here." He soothes, head gently resting against yours. He closed his eyes, pulling you in closer when he felt you trembling. This was the exact same thing you did for him before, one that soothed him and his tumultuous heart.

The only difference is, you were smaller than before, too. Were you eating properly? You were skinnier. Did you get enough sleep? There were bags under your eyes. Did you take a break? He didn't see the last time you took a break.

You pulled away after a while, eyes puffy and face covered with snot. Suguru didn't even flinch as he grabbed the towel sitting next to him, wiping off any excess liquid from your face. It was gentle, and it reminded you he was the most gentle out of the three, and he'd been in a similar position to you at this moment in time. When you looked up to meet his eyes, you decided, you didn't want to burden him with your thoughts of hate - one time was enough.

"I'll always be here if you need me. You can come to me anytime." His hand went to your cheek and his thumb wiped at the area of your cheekbone. Just like his tender hugs, this was so, so soft that it made you want to cry again, making you nearly regret the decision in your heart.

You could only lean into his hand and give him a nod, eyes closing as you felt fatigue come down on your body, making it feel heavy. You didn't even know you fell asleep so fast that Suguru had to catch you, hauling you up so he could carry you back to your room.

This was the only time you revealed your true thoughts to Suguru, and the only time he has ever seen you this way.

Maybe this was the start of it? Suguru's thoughts when he woke up were clear in his mind. The dream he had was something that really happened, and it hurt him he wasn't able to help you during your hardest moments like you did for him.

He had slept in your bed for the night, finding that he missed you and the comfort you brought him. Your scent was calming to him, and it will forever be a saviour to his soul.

A week before killing the elder, Shoko had found you passed out in the infirmary, half of your body on a chair, and half of it off and on the ground.

She raised a brow at your position, wondering if you were tired and just fell asleep. On closer inspection, she could see the dark circles under your eyes, the thinning of your cheeks, and realised you've lost a lot of weight. The bottle on the chair were a bunch of sleeping pills, open and spilled, indicating you had taken some just prior.

If she wasn't worried about you before, she was definitely worried now.

And when you woke up, you were just like normal, which made Shoko question whether you were just overworked. She did know you fought a lot with the elders and were sent on difficult missions because they were out to get you. So with this information in mind, she was sure you were in need of a proper break, away from everything and everyone.

Which was why she advocated for you to get a break, away from Tokyo, to an island resort with lots of sunshine. A proper 4 day break. Of course, she got Satoru to pay for it since he was loaded and actually owed [name] for a previous thing.

But, the aftermath that came from that was the death of the elder 3 days after coming back.

Did that moment of clarity cause everything to happen? When you were on break, was that when everything went out of control? Was that when you decided this was the path you wanted to take?

You had looked completely back to normal after coming back that the worry Shoko and the boys held for you was almost like a false alarm - but they didn't realise that that in itself was the real alarm.

You were happy - or at least, you were smiling like you did before. It was wonderful to see you back to your regular self, something everyone mutually agreed on by the other sorcerers.

Until you murdered the elder, that is.

That was your first step into the world of depravity, away from the world of Jujutsu, and closer to the world called Hell.

[name]'s heart was soft. It was originally that way, and as you traversed through life, fell and got back up, your heart became stronger. However, it was just an outer layer, like a piece of armour for your fragile heart. You would pretend things were fine until it wasn't, even if you wore your heart on your sleeve, letting the people around you know what you thought, even if they thought you were joking.

It was almost too sudden when you realised all the armour around your soft heart had shattered to pieces.

It was like you lost a part of you that day, and you didn't know what could fix you. You didn't know if you could be fixed. So, you did the only thing you could do.

Pick up the pieces and do your best to put it back together, create a wall for your heart before it gets pierced again.

But before you were able to, a gunshot would shatter your glued armour, shattering in your hands, and your heart was laid bare, bleeding out without any way to stop.

And you wished and wished, for someone to reach out their hands to you and drag you out of your ocean of misery. But, nobody could reach deep enough, and you couldn't reach because you had no strength left to.

You couldn't reach out anymore. No matter how much you wanted, the same fate would await you, and you'd fall into such despair again.

You were tired. You were so, so, so tired.

The ones who made you like this, were ironically the ones who could take you out.

"____." You give them one last smile, a genuine one, as you feel the tears coming down your face, bringing your blade to your neck, before slicing and ending your own life.

You didn't want to die at the hands of your best friends. Not because they're your best friends, but because they would bear the burden of having killed you, and you didn't think they'd be able to take that, especially at the ripe age of 19. So, you'd rather do it for them, making it easier. After all, it would've been close to impossible going up against two of the strongest sorcerers.

You could only hear screams at you from the distance as the pain numbed your mind and body. Geto & Gojo were both screaming your name as they sprinted to you, their panicked shouts becoming background noise as they held onto your body, lifting you up to bring you to Shoko.

Your eyes could only see the terrified blue eyes from Satoru as he carried you on Geto's curse. He seemed to be wanting the curse to go faster, but Geto could only reply in an equally as panicked tone, saying this was his fastest one and that they're going as fast as they could to Shoko.

Your eyes are too beautiful to be panicking, you wanted to say. But, you couldn't. Blood had gotten into your oesophagus, making you struggle to breathe as you coughed and suffocated on your own blood.

"[NAME]! ARE YOU WITH ME?! STAY AWAKE!" Satoru's frantic shouts were barely ringing in your ears, but the creases on his face shouldn't have been there. They were going to give him wrinkles.

With one of the last ounces of your strength, you lifted your hand up to cup his cheek, then gently smooth the line between his brows, giving a weak smile.

Satoru let out a choked sound similar to a sob, understanding exactly what you were doing and what you wanted to say. He held your wrist, supporting you in whatever way he can as he could feel your body heat leaving you. Suguru placed a hand on your cheek, stroking the area under the eye, just like he always did.

It made you feel nostalgic, but you could barely see his expression, since tears had blurred your vision. You wanted to reach for Suguru before you had no more strength, so you gently moved your raised arm in that direction. Satoru, knowing exactly what you were doing, guided your hand to Suguru, who took your hand gently, holding it preciously between his two hands.

"Let's get you home, [name]." Were the last words Geto said to you. By 'home', he meant with them, back to Jujutsu, so they could forget everything that happened and start over. It would just be like those happy days, back when there was nothing to worry about.

In your state, you couldn't make out everything he was saying, but you knew they were kind words by his intonation and the caress he held for your bloodied hand.

You only gave them a smile, one that was apologetic, as you felt your consciousness fading away. The tears that blurred your vision finally fell, and the slight squeeze of your hand in Geto's made him realise that was it.

For you, it was time to sleep. It was a time for you to finally rest your tired mind and body, away from this world, and away from all those that you loved.

Suguru looked over at Satoru, who was biting his lip almost bruisingly as they trembled. With his sunglasses off, he could see everything in detail, including the way your cursed energy stopped, from when your body heat disappeared, and he couldn't feel you anymore. You were a hollow shell of a body now, and the last thing you left them was an apologetic smile on your face.

Away from the battleground, Shoko looked out the window, a pang of sadness hitting her all at once when she realised the screams belonging to Geto & Gojo resonated through the forest. She could barely just hear them, but she knew, the dread that filled her veins was apparent. She knew.

She closed her eyes, taking out the cigarette between her lips as she exstinguished it, her arm covering her eyes as she leaned back in her seat, silent tears falling down her cheeks.

"Quite sad, really. None of you realised [name] suffered this much." Kenjaku sowed the top of your head back together after revealing some information you kept hidden to Suguru & Satoru, and about your last moments and thoughts.

Seeing the despair and shock on their faces was intoxicating, especially when it came to the body he borrowed. Kenjaku knew the amount of love that had been given to the original owner of his current body, and using that, he could disarm even the strongest of sorcerers in the modern day.

It was a pity you were dead, but if you were alive and not dead, Kenjaku wouldn't have been able to take over your body now, would he?

It was especially sweet because the body hadn't even been cremated and still looked the same as it did 10 years ago. And those two who had been responsible for it were standing in front of him, in Shibuya station during Halloween.

Even better because you had died in their arms, so seeing you alive as Kenjaku was more of a sick joke than anything, but he loved that expression on the ones who had essentially allowed you to be this way.

"If only the people around them were able to reach out a hand before their descent into madness, none of this would have happened." Kenjaku ran a hand through your hair.

Satoru let out a low growl from his throat as he watched whoever was in your body use it, control it, and pretend to be you. No one could be you. You were gone. You were gone 10 years ago. And he knew - he knew you were not in front of him.

You died in his arms.

So there was absolutely no way that could be you. Absolutely not!

But, his six eyes said otherwise. It was you. Everything was you. It was the same you who died in his arms 10 years ago, the same you who gave him one last smile before leaving the earth.

It tore him to pieces inside.

Suguru put out an arm in front of Satoru, eyeing the cursed user in your body. He was pretending to be calm, but the way his hands and jaw clenched at the blatant disrepect Kenjaku had for your body was digusting. How dare he exhume your grave and take your body from it?

He felt a cold, almost murderous feeling bubble up inside him as he readied himself for combat.

That was not you. And it couldn't be, even if Satoru's six eyes recognised you to be alive. You weren't alive. You had been lost long ago, and whoever was in front of them was an imposter.

"[name]! How long are you going to let this little bitch take over your body?" Satoru finally burst, pissed at the prospect of someone disrespecting you.

Your hand, reacting almost instantaneously, went straight for the top of the head, right where Kenjaku's brain was. It stabbed straight through the cranium, a crunch eliciting a scream from Kenjaku himself as the brain was stabbed, wounding his real body. Kenjaku used your other arm to stop your attack on his weak point, feeling the blood pour out.

For a moment, it was silent except the light splatter and pitter patter of blood from your body. Suguru and Satoru stared at what happened in front of them, shocked that what Gojo said had ellicited such a response.

Kenjaku pulled your assaulting hand away, holding it in a death grip with the one he could control. The blood dripped down his face as he used his reverse cursed technique to heal the head wound, cracking the sides of his neck after he healed your head and his brain.

"Wow, I can't believe [name] went straight for the kill." Kenjaku laughed to himself. "But that's all there is to it. The soul and body are one, aren't they? Don't think this will happen again." He chuckled and waited for the hand to calm itself.

"Oh, and did you know [name] wrote a letter to each of you? Including Shoko. They knew they'd die so they hid it away in the school. I think they hid it somewhere important for each of you. Even they don't quite remember." Kenjaku couldn't quite recall what the contents of the letters were as the memory itself was fuzzy. He wanted to see it as their strong friendship strained due to his taking over of [name]'s body.

He wondered why this specific memory was blurred out, and he couldn't recall anything from your memories about this specific thing?

It was like you were deliberately making sure you didn't remember it, and deleted the memory from your head so no one could find the letters.

A letter? The strongest duo's eyes narrowed at the imposter in their dead best friend's body, wondering if it's a part of their tricks. But it was also hard to not believe them, since they look like you. And everything about you, they would believe.

Because you were the type of person who would write letters to them.

"I don't know what they say, but they've been there since before [name] died." Kenjaku tapped his temple, "If you can get out of here, I implore you to find them."

That pissed the two off. Kenjaku was implying they wouldn't get out of this alive, or at least, to see the letters that were supposedly left for them. It pissed them off to no end, and they prepared to battle, not wanting to take part of his nonsense any longer.

Dear Satoru,

I'm glad to have met you. I love you. I love Suguru. I love Shoko. I love everyone. We had so many fun times, and it was the best time of my life. Everything was so bright, cheery and brought me so much happiness, I can't even tell you the extent of it.

I hope you don't mind this letter. If you've found it after I've defected or after I'm dead, I can't express with words how much doing this pains me. If I can't use my words, I have to use my actions, right? I hope you don't forgive me for what I've done. It's unacceptable and you have every right to hate me. I've killed innocent people for the purpose of my goal. Horrible, right? I really hope you won't forgive me.

But I know you. You will. You're just that kind of person.

I'll miss your bright blue eyes and white hair. I'll miss your loud and boisturous personality. I'll miss how your heart races every time I hug you. I'll miss you nuzzling into my head when we hug. I'll miss the soft 'sweet dreams' you say every time you carry me to bed after I fall asleep studying. I'll miss when you take photos of me everyday. I'll miss your annoyingness. I'll miss your teasing words every day. I'll miss your blushing cheeks when you're embarrassed. I'll miss your comical, over the top reactions. I'll miss you eating a whole bunch of sweets in one setting. I'll miss the crepe shop we'd often go to. I'll miss how you make me feel safe. I'll miss your voice. I'll miss you.

If reincarnation exists, I want to meet you again. I want to see your smile again. I want to call you 'toru again. I want to give you the biggest hug, and feel the thrum of your heart racing. Then, I'll give you a kiss on your head, just like you always do to me before I sleep.

You're strong, 'toru. Make sure to stay safe and be careful. I don't want to meet you on the other side so soon. Grow up to be even stronger, and reform Jujutsu's society. I know you can do it!

By the way, I left your favourite recipe of the sweets you liked that I made. That way, you can enjoy them anytime.

Love, [name].

P.S. Don't eat so many sweet things at once!!! I don't want you getting cavities!!!

Dear Suguru,

You were the first one to notice anything going on, and for that, I'm grateful. I'm sorry I brushed you off so coldly. I didn't know how to ask for help. I wish I'd have listened to your heartfelt words to rely on you a little more.

If you see this, I've probably already defected or I'm dead. But I just want you to know, I love you. I want to see you again. I miss you. I want to hug you and let you know everything I'm thinking. I want you to give me one of your strong hugs, knocking the air out of me. I also equally want your soft, tender hugs, as you whisper comforting words to me. I want to hear your voice again. I want to run my fingers through your hair again and question why you only use soap on it. I want to cook with you again. Have late night discussions. Cuddle. Piggyback rides. Kisses on the cheek. Allowing me to latch onto you like a koala when I'm cold since you run hot. I miss our times together. I miss you.

If reincarnation is real, we will definitely meet again. I want to see you smile from the bottom of your heart, and enjoy the most delicious food! And, if no curses are in that world, then you'll finally have a food you don't like - I'll be willing to lend an ear so you can whisper it to me! I want to cup your cheeks and tell you you've done well, for enduring during tough times and standing right back up. I want to finally give you a piggyback ride, since I was never able to fulfil that wish here. I want to be able to call you Sugu again.

Stay strong, Sugu. Make sure to stay safe. Since I know you hate the taste of curses, I've left the key to my safe with candies that are really good at cleansing the palette. Don't ever let these get into 'toru's hands or else you'll never see them again. I got these custom made just for you, and I've left a note with instructions on where to get it and what special order it was. I was supposed to give it to you sooner, but I left before then. Hope you enjoy them!

Love, [name].

P.S. Please take care of yourself!!! And don't use soap on your hair!!! Use proper shampoo and conditioner since your hair's so pretty!!!

Dear Shoko,

I'm sorry you probably had to see my dead body.

If I had spilled my heart out to you about my troubles, I wonder if it would've helped? I kept things bottled up for too long and it's become like this. I'm sorry I wasn't able to keep our promise. We didn't get to go to Disneyland like we promised all those months ago - the tickets are just sitting somewhere rotting away. I really wanted to go with you, Sugu and 'toru. It would've been great fun, and we would've made so many memories.

I miss your voice, Shoko. I miss your laugh. Your insults. Your frankness. Your weirdness. Your chillness. You. Heck, I even miss your scent of smoke. I miss you so much. I want to see you.

Can I meet you again? In a world without curses, where we don't need to risk our lives and watch our loved ones die. If I ever get reincarnated, can you find me? Or I can find you? I want to enjoy our times together again, feel the breeze against our skin, sing joyfully, joke around, play around, and take many photos together. That's the only way I want to spend it - and I want it so much you don't even know. In that kind of world, we can finally be happier. We can finally smile geniunely. I'll be able to finally see you again.

I bought some smokes for you and it's in my safe. Suguru has the key. Take some of the candies too, they might help in cleansing your palette every now and then.

I love you.

Love, [name].

P.S. Too much smoking isn't good for you!!! Please quit or at least do it a little less!!! I worry for your lung health...

Trembling hands read their letters as they were found around Jujutsu High school. It had your cursed energy as a seal, but the minute it was touched by any of the three, the seal would break. The letter itself was blank, with a couple of pages for each of them. The words appeared once they injected their cursed energy into it.

Words written by you appeared on the page, covering all the pages given for each letter. As the trio read the letters you had kept hidden from them, they couldn't help but let their unshed tears fall.

They were all known as strong sorcerers who don't cry. But, you brought them to their knees with your sincerity, and you were lost too soon. It was the last thing they had from you, and the warmth in every word of those letters struck a chord deep in their hearts, remembering 10 years ago and the day you had died.

"I kept [name]'s room clean," Suguru started, his eyes glossy. He had already cried, but every time he wanted to read the words off the letter, he was ready to cry again. He didn't want to. "Everything's the same."

It was as if they went down memory lane. Nothing had changed in your room. It was just as Geto said, it was exactly the same.

Whenever Geto had some time, he would clean your room, just like how he knew you would like it. It was something he sometimes did if he stayed over to help you study or just to hang out. So, he knew where everything was.

Immediately going to the safe, he put in a random number, guessing your birthday, then he used the key entrusted to him and unlocked it.

"What a bad password..." Geto couldn't help but laugh lightly, but his laughter died in his throat when he opened the safe.

The first thing the three of them saw was a couple of picture frames, each of them with pictures of the four of them that they remember taking when they were younger. The photos where all of them were happy, grinning and had no care in the world, it made their throats dry, clamming up uncomfortably.

Geto picked up the picture frames, taking a closer look at them with Shoko.

"Oh, look, there's more." Gojo peered in, seeing the promised recipe, bag of lollies, Disneyland tickets and smokes from each of their letters. He took them out and handed them what was gifted.

As they examined the items, Gojo read the recipe, a page written neatly by you. It was as if he could imagine you sitting in your room, writing it just for him while you tasted the different variations that you recommended in the recipe.

Geto put the photos face down, falling flat on his back on your bed as his arm covered his eyes.

Shoko stared at him for a moment, deciding to join him by doing the same thing. Your bed was only a double bed (you had requested a bigger bed for your first paycheck) and didn't have that much space for the three of them, much less four.

Seeing the two of them do the exact same thing, Satoru joined them, but instead, he sat up against your headboard, laying his legs in a cross legged position.

He fipped the picture frames back up, a bittersweet smile on his lips as he basked in the silence and warmth of your room he was so familiar with.

He closed his eyes, and like the others, thought of you.

Would it have been different had you told them everything you were feeling? If you talked through exactly what was causing you grief, and what could be done about it? Were they not enough to help you back up? Would you have felt so suffocated that you chose to die? Would you have still died in their arms? Would Kenjaku have still taken over your body? Still left them behind?

They say sorcerers don't die without regrets.

And they knew if they died, their one and only regret would be you.

At a certain crepe shop, Gojo Satoru waited for his crepe, one he decorated with strawberries, whipped cream and a drizzle of chocolate. It was one he used to frequent with his old friend, and he'd come here every week with them to buy a crepe. It wasn't the order he normally went with, but today, he felt nostalgic.

It had been so long since the last time he had visited the crepe shop with you, but it remained fresh in his mind even after reincarnating many times over. What timeline was he in now? He counted 7. That was 7 lifetimes without you. Suguru & Shoko were also counting, and they did whatever they could to find out where you would be. But, each and every one after their first, you were nowhere to be found.

Suguru & Shoko would sometimes come to the crepe shop, but they were also busy making a living in a world without curses. The tragedy from their first life remained fresh in their current ones, holding them so strongly they didn't want to give up.

But unknown to them, you were right under their nose all along, and you frequently went to that same crepe shop at times just before or after they were there, a mysterious force pushing you to the place.

It was at one time, where Satoru thought he saw you, that it reignited the flame that had been dormant for so long, to finally see you, after so many timelines and lifetimes apart.

Your voice, followed by your laughter, and your hand. He had you memorised, and he was so thankful for his good memory that recognised you. It was the closest he got, and when he heard you, saw a part of you, he was sprinting, but you had already disappeared onto the train, and the last thing he saw was the back of your head.

It was brief, but it was enough for his mind to go overdrive and let the others know his findings, that it was possible for them to find you this lifetime, and the crepe shop was the biggest key to it all.

And, when they cracked the code and finally found you, all the memories, feelings and thoughts from their original life came back to them, allowing them to finally see you in a world without curses, even if they had to wait 7 lifetimes.

If they had to put it into years, those 7 lifetimes were equivalent to over 600 years of not seeing you.

But, this lifetime, they finally found you.

Over 600 years in the making, and you also found them.

A/N: I CRIED WRITING THIS. It hurt me 😭 here's part 2!

There's also somewhat of a prequel as well from Geto's POV if you were interested!

Here's also an AU in an alternate timeline with information that takes place directly after the original timing here.

If y'all want some fluff here's the masterlist for the rest of the series 🕊️

[shallowseeker]

Don't grieve in front of me, Dean. It makes me uncomfortable, part II...or prequel?

How'd I get here again?

Oh, yeah. I got here, because I got excited about the cars. I remembered Dean driving a brownish tan/brown car in THE SCENE from Slash Fiction? Pinto, I wondered. FORD?

Alas. It's a Pontiac Acadian. I was so hopeful. It's a VERY similar style though. But it definitely calls to mind the car when Cas n' Dean presided over Mary's loss of John in 4x03. It looks like the car on the beach in 13x01, when Dean is grieving Cas. And this...is 7x06, when Dean is ALSO grieving Cas.

It's also VERY interesting how the break light's out on the driver's side. That's because Dean is out of commission. In SPN, often the headlights or the break lights show which brother is "down for the count." At the end of season 1, ep 1, it's Sam who's down-and-out, because he lost Jess.

Here, it's Dean. He "appears" on, but the break light shows us the truth.

We cut from the "out break light" to...THE winged Pony, hanged. The pony is the light. It's yellow. It's the sunshine. Because the light is out.

It's winged. It's in the rearview. it's noosed around the neck, like how Cas said that freewill is something you hang yourself with. He cuts it off and throw it into the backseat, desperate to forget. Cause it's Caaa---

Anyway. You could argue Dean is lamenting the life he'd left behind, but the Lisa-Ben dynamic was Dean's Ford Truck phase, and this winged thing is-- it's just-- it's just 100% pointing to Cas. If you don't think so, the next bit is damning.

Sam turns on the radio to make Dean feel better. A sad song comes on, and Dean drops the act for a MILLISECOND. And Sam? He says SORRY.

Then, he gets uncomfortable.

It's the earlier match to the peanut-butter-and-jelly-strong-choice scene from season 13x06 (widow era).

Sam is afraid of this kind of grief. (And for good reason. Thanks, John!)

"What would you say if I called on you now..." is the first line. Come when you call, etc etc etc. And Dean looks just about ready to burst into tears. No, watch the scene. He looks devastated when he hears it and realizes what it is, like a little intake of breath.

Dean grieves Cas...with music.

Ah, the familiar pattern. Dean is struggling to be allowed to grieve in this season. Everyone's terrified of his grief, even Bobby, who demands he "not be a person" and "keep doing the job" in a desperate plea to keep Dean from "dying before he does." Bobby doesn't know what to say or how to grieve, so he tries to keep Dean alive the only way he can think of, with utilitarian pragmatism.

But Dean needs to feel his emotions. Even though the scene above is played for laughs, it's really about Dean's emotions leaking out despite his attempts to hide it.

Ahem. Not writing Dean-Cas till "later seasons," my ass. Dean wore his heart on his sleeve whenever he was "allowed" to. My gosh!

///

EXT. ROAD – NIGHT A small, old hatchback is driving down the road. INT. HATCHBACK – NIGHT A yellow My Little Pony is dangling from the rear-vision mirror. DEAN squeezes it and it squeaks. He takes out a knife, cuts it down and tosses it into the back seat. It squeaks again as it lands.

SAM: You okay? DEAN: You know, it's bad enough that they're ganking people, wearing our mugs, but now this? Have us driving around in this... this caboodle while Baby's on lockdown. SAM: It's temporary, Dean. DEAN: Nobody puts Baby in a corner. SAM: Y-you know that's a line from -- DEAN: Swayze movie. Swayze always gets a pass! SAM: Right. Uh, well, you want some tunes or something? Here. SAM turns on the car radio. MUSIC: Air Supply’s “All Out Of Love” ♪ And what would you say if I called on you now and said that I can't hold on ♪ SAM looks at DEAN. SAM: Sorry, man, I-I... DEAN: Just leave it. Probably gonna be the only thing on. ♪ There's no easy way, it gets harder each day ♪ Please love me or I'll be gone ♪ I'll be gone ♪ SAM looks at the map FRANK gave him and DEAN starts to lip-sync along to the music. ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ I'm so lost without you ♪ SAM looks over at DEAN. ♪ I know you were right ♪ believing for so long ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ DEAN notices that SAM is watching him and stops singing. ♪ What am I without you? ♪ DEAN looks away out the driver’s side window. ♪ I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong ♪ Oh ♪ DEAN starts to lip-sync again. ♪ What are... ♪ SAM looks at him and he stops again. ♪...you thinking of? ♪ DEAN moves his head in time with the music. ♪ What are you -- ♪ SAM: Here. SAM switches off the radio and they sit in silence. SAM studies the map. Jericho is circled.

///

Someday I'll do a thing about all the car-hopping they have to do until, you know, Dean is "Dean" again.

Dean, going through the motions, "acting like one of the dead ones." And...the Impala makes a return once Dean accepts that Cas can't help, and then Cas says he's gonna go with to try and mitigate the wreckage he left.

Cas agreed to try and "fix" things, just as Dean accepted their brokenness. (No ones cares if you're broken so long as you try.)

And the we see Baby again for the first time. Hmmmm.

[oh-surprise-its-me]

I watched some rodeos today so that means I desperately need to write about 20 year old non pilot Jake being a cowboy and terrifying his New York dads. (Here’s prequel to this fic)

-

Chris, David, Wolfman and Lucas are all up on the fences watching. They all are used to this kind of thing. Oh the joys of growing up in Texas.

Tom, Ron, and Hollywood are in the stands. They all keep flinching when people get tossed. Tom’s nails are digging into Ron’s arm. He gasps every time someone lands wrong. He can’t believe they let their kid do this.

They’re in Vegas. All things considered a fun trip. They all took vacation time for this. Promised that if Jake used his fake ID they won’t call him on it. This is the final day of four for the rodeo.

Jake’s good. Too good. Ron can’t stand to watch him most days. Terrified that their kid is going to slam his head and not get back up.

Lucas promises him that he’ll be over the fence first before anyone else can be. Ron supposes an ER nurse is better then the paramedics they’ve got on ground.

-

Jake is hopping in place. He can feel the energy of the stadium, he watches them put the bull in the corral, Hell Maker is his name. Jake slides his helmet on and climbs the fence. He settles on the bull.

He hears the announcer.

“And now. Jake ‘Hangman’ Seresin. He’s one of the best twenty year olds competing he’s got a real chance at winning this Frank.”

“You’re so right Shawn. His father rode in Texas circles, Chris Seresin is in the crowd tonight. We’ll remind y’all listeners that the Seresins have a long history in riding rodeo.”

Jake shakes off the nerves. He knows he’s best. He can make it twelve seconds. Has to.

-

As he’s flying through the air it’s in slow motion. He made it nineteen seconds. He beat the records in place. Jake is going to make his dads buy him so many drinks tonight.

He slams into the ground. He tucks and rolls. He leaps up and takes off for the siding. Makes it over right at the bull slams into the wall.

Suddenly Jake is being held in the air. He shrieks, David and Wolf have him on their shoulders. Chris and Lucas are standing grinning up at him. Chris opens his arms and Jake jumps down and into them.

“Baby you did so good. I’m so proud of you.”

Jake sees his pa and tata make their way over to him. He’s surrounded by everyone suddenly. He’s so overwhelmed. He has to blurt it out now or he’s going to explode.

“I think this is going to be the last pro competition I do. Gonna go to med school.” They all stare at him for a second. “I’m not going to stop riding. Just no more getting thrown off intentionally.”

Ron is the first to react. “Chickie thank god.” He scoops Jake into a hug. Tom hugs him from the side. Chris plucks the hat off Jake’s head and kisses his hair.

He’s then passed to all of his uncles. Lucas looks like he might cry. He holds Jake’s face for a second. “You’ll be incredible.” Jake grins at him. “Wanna be a nurse like you. Help people.” Lucas lets the tears go down his face now. David loops his arm around his neck.

Jake is grabbed by Hollywood and Wolfman, Holly is grinning at him. He passes over two hundred bucks. “What the fuck?” Wolf blushes. “We made a bet on which career you’d follow. Decided you’d get the money no matter what happened.” Jake laughs. He grabs the two of them into a hug.

A photographer comes over and asks to take a photo of Jake with his dad. Chris smiles and agrees. Women still practically faint for him at points. Ron and Tom smile at the two of them. Jake is every bit his dads son.

Jake ends up getting a trophy. He’s proud of it but is even more proud of the money he wins at slots two nights later. All of them insist he cheated. He didn’t he’s just lucky.

-

In his thirty’s he talks Bradley into going to the rodeo, Bradley thinks it’s insane that Jake’s dads let him do this. Jake points out Mav and Goose had Bradley up in planes when he was definitely too young.

Bradley leans over while they watch the kids rodeo, “our kids are never doing this.” Jake stares at him. They’ve barely talking marriage. Fuck, Jake wants kids with Bradley. He flushes, “okay. They’re learning how to ride horses though.” Bradley nods. He presses a kiss to Jake’s head. “Anything you want sweetheart.”

[zepskies]

I just have to say, genuinely everything in the BMD-verse is some of the best stuff I’ve ever read, BMD has managed to climb it’s way up to being one of my all time favorite fics that I could endlessly re-read and I can’t thank you enough for that. It was so well written and so many subtle details went into making the word feel so real, to the point where I truly felt immersed in the plot and could clearly visualize everything in my head. This fic made me laugh, cry, and had me on the edge of my seat wanting to read more to see where everything went with these two. Reading it helped brighten my day when I wasn’t having the best one. Also I don’t think I’ve ever loved OC’s quite as much as I absolutely love Frank and Loco, you put so much world building and detail into this fic and it really shows so beautifully, you were able to encapsulate the personalities of each character so well, down to the little details in how they react to certain situations or things they’d be likely to say, all while still giving your OC’s just as much depth and personality, you even executed the character arcs so realistically and it was done so damn well. This fic truly felt like a masterpiece and I am so grateful that you decided to create it, so genuinely thank you!

Okay, I didn't expect to cry today but you managed it, lovely Anon. 🥹💚

I've actually been going through a roughish time in my personal life, so you sent me this amazing note at the perfect time...

I'm having a hard time forming actual words right now, but I'm so happy that Break Me Down has become one of your favorite stories, and most of all that it helped brighten your day when you weren't feeling so hot. I definitely have my comfort stories, books, movies as well.

I genuinely put my heart and soul into BMD from conception, to outlining, to writing and editing each chapter. Even now I look at those 19 chapters and can't believe it's something I actually wrote. I'm just a sucker for a redemption story, and after SB's character hooked me, something crazy told me that he should get his chance to become a real hero.

(Here are some more details you probably don't want/need to know about how BMD began. 😅):

After writing Checkerboard, @deans-spinster-witch knows, as I've credited her many times, but she encouraged me to write a "prequel" to expand on how SB might get to that level of character growth.

...And somehow, BMD became an "enemies to lovers" epic. 😂

Thank you also for loving Frank and Loco! I've said this before, but one of the best writing tips I've ever gotten about writing minor characters is this: Write them like they're the protagonists of their own stories.

Give them their own character arcs, however short or long, whether tragic or fulfilled, etc.

When they're in the scene, give them something important to do or say that furthers the plot.

If you can't name a character, 9/10, they probably don't need to be there.

Without both Frank and Loco, Ben and the reader wouldn't have made it through until the end. And those two (especially Frank) now live in my head alongside Ben and the reader and their ever-evolving story.

This fic truly felt like a masterpiece and I am so grateful that you decided to create it, so genuinely thank you!

Damn it, who's peeling onions?! 😭😭

You're so very welcome. 💚💚 It's an absolute pleasure to write for you guys, but also to express myself and get out these stories that live rent free in my head. 😘

(Btw: I totally respect that you're anonymous in my inbox, but feel free to comment on this and let me know who you are -- only if you feel comfortable! You absolutely made my day, hun. 💓)

[babymetaldoll]

Baby, I'm yours - Chapter nine: "The needle or me"

Summary: Spencer has no idea what to do to win reader's trust back. She doesn't even want to talk to him. Her mother and Frank try to help them. 

Warnings: Lots of angst, basically that's the entire chapter: angst, anger, and brokenhearted Spencer and (Y/N). Mention of drugs and alcohol. 

Word count: 9.2 K

A/N: We had a lot of fluffy and smutty chapters in this story, guys. Now get ready for angst. (Love you!!) 

Series Masterlist | General Masterlist | Prequel’s Masterlist

Previous chapter | Next chapter

(Y/N)'s point of view

The following morning was a mess. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to get out of bed, and most of all, I didn't want to deal with Spencer at the BAU. I knew I couldn't skip work, but a part of me wanted to call Hotch and explain everything. But that meant telling him Spencer was using again, and that would ruin his career. I hated him at that minute, but I would never do that to him. So I got out of bed, showered, grabbed the biggest cup I found, and filled it with freshly made coffee.

- "Peanut,"- mom stood by the door before I left and hugged me- "Please call me and let me know what happens."- I nodded and sighed, feeling her arms around me, thinking she never did such a thing before, not even when I was little and left for school.

- "I promise I'll call you tonight."

- "If you want to stay here for a few more days, I would be glad to help you."- mom smiled and held my cheeks, making me work harder to hold the tears inside my eyes.- "But I strongly encourage you to fix things with Spencer. I don't know what he did to hurt you yesterday, but I know everything he has done for the last five years in love with you."

I bit my lips and nodded. I couldn't pronounce a word. I just grabbed my keys and walked out of the house.

I was glad I had a go-bag in the back of my car. Being prepared for any BAU trip paid up after so many years. I hadn't slept, and I looked like shit, but I had clean clothes. At least I could look presentable.

There wasn't enough coffee in the world to keep me going that day. I felt so defeated. So nothing. Brokenheartedness wasn't enough to describe the feeling that filled my entire being. I should have been ecstatic and jumping all over the place a week before my wedding. Instead, I was crying in the car on my way to work, having second thoughts about the entire thing.

Did I want to marry Spencer? Of course! But did I trust Spencer at that moment? No, I didn't. Not even a little. I didn't know how long he had been lying and going behind my back.

A part of me wanted to help him quit, and support him through his rough patch. But if only he would have come clean about the entire thing first. Not lying about it and denying using. If I hadn't found that bottle, I would still be in the dark about his problem.

I spent longer than necessary sitting in my car, staring at the wall after I parked the car at work. I didn't have enough strength to face Spencer alone. I needed to make sure the entire team was settled before walking into the bullpen. He would be waiting, I knew him. And I didn't want to see him, talk to him, or hear him. Not at work. Not yet.

I had made a plan during my sleepless hours to make sure I didn't have to talk to him that entire day. I knew it wasn't flawless, but it was the one thing that gave me comfort. So I took a deep breath and walked out of my car. I had to go through it, or at least try. It wasn't even an elaborated plan. I just needed to get to the BAU, walk into Hotch's office ignoring Reid, and explain to our unit chief we had fought. I would excuse myself, tell him I knew we had promised to keep our personal life out of the FBI, and beg him to help me keep Spencer away from me for the next few hours so I could get my work done. Hotch would definitely understand. I wasn't planning on giving him any detail, but I knew he would understand. Right? Of course, Aaron had always been a father figure and the best boss ever.

The elevator ride was eternal. Yet, I wished it would have lasted a little longer because no matter how prepared I thought I was, nothing prepared me to see Spencer pacing through the hall, waiting for me.

- "Chipmunk!"- he jumped as soon as he saw me and nearly ran to me. My heart stopped and my body flinched just at the sight of him. He looked so tired, so broken. Was it the angst of our fight or was it the drugs? I had no idea. Maybe both.

- "Chipmunk, you have to listen to me! Please!"- but I just walked away from him and headed straight to Hotch's office, not opening my mouth and making my best not to look at him.

- "(Y/N), please! I am so sorry, so sorry. Please, talk to me, listen to me. Let me explain."- if Spencer thought I had given JJ the cold shoulder, he had no idea what I had planned for him.

I walked into the bullpen with Reid following me close behind, still begging me to stop moving and listen to him. I was glad he hadn't put his hands on me yet, 'cos I wasn't sure how I would react to that. I refused to look at anyone around me 'cause I knew we were making a scene. Well not me, he was. As soon I reached Hotch's office I closed the door behind my back and looked at him. He was sitting at his desk, already going through some paperwork.

- "Sit down."- he commanded and I moved slowly- "I'm guessing you two haven't worked on whatever happened last night."- I shook my head and looked down at my hands on my lap, making a major effort not to cry. I knew Spencer was right outside that door, and I knew I was breaking his heart every minute I spent ignoring him. But he had broken mine first.

- "I'm sorry."- I whispered- "I know we promised we were not going to let our relationship get in the way of work, but I need you to keep him away from me today."

- "Why?"

- "I don't wanna face him just yet. I'm not ready."

- "(Y/N), you are grown up SSA, why do you insist on acting like a kid?"- I raised my eyes and met his steady gaze. He was serious, though his words sounded closer to a joke.

- "I don't know. I guess we are all fools in love."

- "What happened between you two is no one's business but yours."- Hotch stated - "But when you are at work, I hope you behave as a professional Special Agent of your range. Am I clear?"

- "Yes, sir."

- "You can take JJ's old office for today and I will give Spencer direct indications to leave you alone. But you have to fix whatever it is that's going on between you two as soon as possible."

- "I'll try. Thank you."- I stood up before I didn't want to cry righ there, and Hotch followed me. Just as I imagined, Spencer was right outside his door, waiting to talk to me, but our Unit Chief called him into his office, giving me time to vanish and hide in JJ's old office.

There I was, holding my empty coffee mug, staring at the computer screen when Penelope, Prentiss, and JJ walked in. The three of them seemed honestly concerned.

- "Hey there"- Emily whispered and handed me a warm cup of coffee- "You look like you need a few more of these."

- "Thank you. I do."- they stared at me in silence as I sipped my beverage and hummed- "Hot and bitter. Like me."

- "What happened last night, (Y/N)? You ran off Rossi's like you've seen a ghost"- Garcia went right to the point. I knew the mystery was probably killing her.

- "Spencer and I had an argument"

- "Was it telepathically?"- Pen raised an eyebrow and sat in front of my desk- "Because neither of you shared a word, you just looked at each other and you were gone!"- I wasn't planning on telling anyone what had, in fact, happened between us, or why I was mad. Instead, I just shook my head.

- "Something like it."- I replied and cut her a short smile.

- "Are you planning on fixing things with baby genius? 'Cos he is a mess."- Garcia kept making questions, as my friend stared at me as if was wounded.

- "Not at work."

- "But why are you so upset? It's just a few days away before the wedding. I thought it was all set. Are you getting cold feet? Are you canceling the whole thing? Oh my god! Who cheated?!"

I opened my mouth but no word came out. I felt the tears filling my eyes as JJ and Prentiss stared at me in pure panic.

- "It doesn't matter what it was, what matters is that (Y/N) knows she can count on us, right?"- Prentiss almost whispering, reading my reaction- "And we won't ask you for any more details about what happened. We just wanted to know you were ok."

- "Thank you Emily."- I murmured and made my best to smile, but I knew I failed terribly.

- "Is there anything else we can bring you? Have you eaten today?"- JJ asked, concerned.

- "Yeah, I am ok. I just wanna finish all this paperwork before the weekend."

- "If you need to go out tonight, maybe talk about what happened, if you wanna stay with me, have a sleepover."- Pen suggested, but I quickly shook my head.

- "Thank you, but not tonight."

- "Of course, munchkin... just... please don't cancel the wedding! You and Reid are so perfect together! And no matter what he did, you can make him suffer! I can help! We all can! Just please don't crush his heart!"

Garcia blurted out all that information, making it even harder for me not to cry during work time. I hated to feel weak. And most of all, I hated to cry in front of my friends.

- "Can I ask you something?"- I looked at Prentiss and she nodded right away- "Can you bring me my purse and cell phone? Spencer must have them."

- "Of course"- she stood up and left the room in a second.

- "Do you need anything else?"- JJ stood up as well and grabbed Garcia's sleeve, practically dragging her off her chair.

- "No, thank you."

- "We'll come at lunchtime with something to eat."- I simply nodded and tried to resume to work. Swallow the sadness and the fears. Like it was something so easy to do.

- "There you go, (Y/N)."- Prentiss showed up a few minutes later with all my things.

- "Thank you, Em."

- "Don't worry, hon."- she walked to the door and held the knob for a second- "Just, think things through."

- "Of course."- I nodded as she left, leaving me alone with the tears and all the feelings I tried to bottle inside, and that came back to the surface.

It didn't help that as soon as I opened my purse, I found a note from Spencer. Of course, he had written something for me. I imagined him sleepless, writing that note, trying to gather all the words that might melt me.

I was tempted to read it, but I didn't want to cry at the FBI, so I left it in the bag and grabbed my phone. I texted Lu, Frank, and Mikey, letting them know I was ok. Then, I focused back on my work, 'cos I wanted to pass time with some time that kept my mind from thinking.

Spencer's point of view

That Thursday I got to the BAU at six am. I hadn't closed an eye during the entire night. After stopping at Frank's, I did the same at Mikey's, Lu's, and Sofìa's, I drove back home, still hoping maybe (Y/N) would find her way back to our shared apartment that night, to talk things.

But no, of course, she didn't. I was all alone that night, crying and staring at the walls, remembering all the minutes we had shared between those walls. I had never been happier than the months we had been together, and I didn't want to lose that to anything. Never.

After a few hours of walking between those four walls, I felt like I was going insane. Nothing I did was successful to kill time. It was already four in the morning, so I decided to shower and get ready for work. (Y/N) wasn't going to go home, but she had to go to work, she had always been very responsible.

The only productive thing I had been able to do that entire night had been to write a lousy "apology" note I left inside her purse. I wanted to write a whole letter, I needed to explain everything to her. But Frank was right, I needed to fix it better than with a simple card. I needed to find a way into her heart again. But I was so desperate I had nothing. Zero clue.

When I got to work, two hours earlier than usual, I had to kill time. I made coffee, got some paperwork done, walked around the bullpen, sat on (Y/N)'s chair, and looked at her desk. She had a picture of us there for the last three years. We weren't even a couple when that pic was taken, it was from one of our random nights out. "Weekend escapades," as she called them. We were eating burgers at 2 am in that picture, after watching a local band play in a bar with Frank and Mikey. We were laughing at a very bad joke, and if I'm not wrong, I finished both our burgers 'cos (Y/N) ate all the fries.

I still remember that night I felt I couldn't love her more than I did as she held my hand in the street walking, talking, and laughing. Of course, I had been wrong, 'cos that morning, waiting for her to show up to work, preparing a speech to apologize to her for being an asshole, I felt I couldn't even love her more even if I tried. My heart was full of love for her, and if she rejected me, I knew that love would turn into a poison that might kill me.

One by one, all of the agents got to work. All but the one I was waiting for. It was already over eight am. I was in my fourth cup of coffee and at that point, I was already in the lobby outside the bullpen, waiting to see (Y/N) walk out of any of the elevators.

What if she didn't show up for work? What if something had happened to her the night before after driving off? What if she didn't want to be with me at all and she called Hotch asking for a personal day?

- "Pretty boy! You are here early!"- Morgan tapped on my back as he stood by my side- "Did you talk to (Y/N)?"

- "She didn't come home last night. I am waiting for her."- my voice was low and serious. I even avoided making eye contact with him.

- "What happened last night?"

- "I don't wanna..."- I didn't say another word 'cos the elevator's door opened again, but instead of (Y/N), JJ and Prentiss walked over.

- "Hey! What are you guys doing here?"- I shook my head and walked away from my friends. I was sure Morgan would explain everything, and I didn't want to talk to them at that minute. I could feel their eyes on me as I tried to ignore them. JJ walked over and rubbed my arm. I hated it, I felt her pitting me, and I didn't want that. I just needed to think clearly.

- "It's gonna be ok, Spence."- she whispered and I simply nodded, and continued walking. Prentiss and Morgan waved from a distance and walked into the bullpen, followed by JJ. I sighed and stared at the elevators one more time. Until finally, I saw her face. Her eyes were puffy, her skin was pale, and the dark rings under her eyes let me know she hadn't slept much either. It all hurt. I didn't want to see her in pain. Less knowing I was the one who caused her all that sorrow.

- "Chipmunk!"- I jumped and ran to her as soon as she stepped out of the elevator - "Chipmunk, you have to listen to me! Please!"

Yes, I was begging, nearly crawling on the floor. And I didn't care. I just wanted her to forgive me. But she ignored me and pretended she couldn't listen to me. She just continued walking through the bullpen, acting like I didn't even exist.

- "(Y/N), please! I am so sorry, so sorry. Please, talk to me, listen to me. Let me explain."

I could feel everyone around us staring at that deplorable show. I probably looked pathetic begging. Yet, I didn't care at all. I just wanted her to listen to me. (Y/N) opened Hotch's door and rushed into it, nearly closing it right in my face. I almost knocked and asked in. But somehow I stopped. Even I knew that was crossing the line and it would make (Y/N) even madder at me.

So I waited. I stood outside that door and didn't move for what seemed to be an eternity. I couldn't hear what (Y/N) and Hotch were talking about, but I figured it was related to our situation. I just hoped our Unit chief could help calm (Y/N)'s mood or at least convince her to speak to me.

After a few more minutes (that felt like a lifetime) the door opened and (Y/N) walked out in a hurry. I tried to stop her, but Hotch's voice froze me. He called me from inside his office and I was forced to let her go, feeling how the chance to change her mind slipped through my finger, along with my sanity.

- "Please, sit down Reid."- Hotch commanded after I closed the door behind my back- "I'm sure you know what this is about."

- "Did she tell you what happened?"- I whispered, already ashamed.

- "Not the details, but she mentioned you had an argument. And I am concerned this is going to affect your work."- I didn't want to lie to him, I knew this was going to affect my work, my mood, and most likely every single aspect of my life. But how could it not? She was my life, and I was petrified at the mere thought of losing her.

- "So... what do you want me to do, Hotch?"

- "Leave her alone for the rest of the work day, and talk to her after you are done with your paperwork for the day."- he had to be joking. He was commanding me to ignore the one thought and person I couldn't take from my mind and heart.

- "No, that's not possible."

- "I am sorry, Reid. But this is not a request. Take it as a command. You can't make a scene at work. Strauss is already on your back, and I don't wanna have any problems. Especially when it can be avoided simply by acting like grown-ups."

I felt insulted. I wasn't acting like a kid. I was just desperate. I stared at him in silence, clearly annoyed. His face didn't move a muscle.

- "I mean it, Spencer. Leave her alone for the rest of the day, and talk to her after five."

- "Whatever."

- "You are a week from your wedding. Don't do or say anything you might regret later."

- "Are you threatening me, Hotch?"

- "What? No! I'm trying to help you, so stop acting like an annoyed teenager, and get to work."- I shrugged and simply replied.

- "I already finished all my paperwork for the day."

- "Then do Morgan's."- I opened my mouth to argue, but stopped and shook my head.

- "Maybe I can ask (Y/N) if I can help her with her paperwork. That way we'll be done earlier and we can go home to fix our situation."

- "Stay away from her."- my Unit Chief repeated and looked at the folder on his desk. I took that as my cue to leave, so I stood up and walked to the door slowly.

- "Reid."- he said before I left the room- "You might not believe it now, but I'm in fact trying to help you."- I scoffed and closed the room behind my back.

I sat on my chair and groaned staring at the empty space on (Y/N)'s desk. She had been there, in front of me, for so many years I didn't longer know how to deal with her absence. She was part of my life to a level I couldn't even handle. I was lost without her. And Hotch wanted me to wait the entire day to talk to her and beg for forgiveness.

After another half hour, I couldn't take it anymore, and somehow I knew there was only one way (Y/N) would believe me and maybe trust me again. So I grabbed my satchel and ran back to Hotch's office.

- "Can I go out for a moment?"

- "Where are you going?"

- "To the hospital"- Hotch stared at me and I guess, tried to figure out what I was going to do- "It won't take much time. An hour top"

- "Ok, you can go."- I nodded and ran again. I honestly didn't have much of a plan, just desparetared action in desperate times, I guess.

Mikey walked into the bullpen at lunchtime. He looked around the place, probably searching for (Y/N), so I waved. He didn't seem to be mad at me, he had been very nice the night before when I woke him up looking for (Y/N) in his apartment. I stood up and headed over to him, but (Y/N) showed up and grabbed his arms, avoiding even looking at me. I just stood there, frozen. My feet wanted to run after her, but I knew I couldn't.

- "Come on, pretty Ricky. Lunch is on me today."- Morgan stood by my side and tapped on my back. I wanted to argue, but again, I knew it was useless. So I grabbed my jacket and followed Derek out.

- "You know, I remember when you first joined this team, I thought I had never met anyone like you."- Morgan chewed his steak and talked as I played with my spaghetti, not even hungry.

- "I guess that's a common feeling."

- "Then, pretty girl came along, and she was just as weird as you. I remember that get-together at Garcia's a bunch of years ago. She kept talking about all your nerdy shows and your eyes kept getting bigger and bigger."- I'm sure he had a point, but I couldn't see it. I nodded and sipped my water. The small restaurant we dragged me to seemed half empty for lunchtime. I didn't know if it was because the food wasn't very good or if it was just a slow day.

- "What I'm trying to say is that I never imagined we would be here talking a week before your wedding."

- "I don't even know if there will be a wedding, Morgan."- I groaned as he just continued eating and shook his head.

- "You are gonna marry pretty girl next week. You are going to be ok, trust me."- he seemed so sure of his words it was annoying.

- "Why are you so sure?"- I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or my situation with (Y/N), but I had a very low tolerance for anything at that point of the day.

- "'Cos you two are so in love it would be crazy a silly fight ends what you have."- a lousy argument, I must say.

- "Why do you think it's a silly fight?"

- "What could you've done to her that could jeopardize your whole relationship?"

- "She found out I got Dilaudid behind her back."

Derek stared at me in shock. I don't think he saw that coming at all. Maybe he thought we had an argument over some silly wedding issue.

- "You did what?! Reid! Are you fucking joking?!"

- "Why would I joke with something like that?!"- I nearly yelled as he stared at me surprised and angry.

- "Reid, please don't tell me you are using again!"- I know we never actually talked with him about my drug problems, but I knew Morgan and the whole team were conscious of what I had been through. It was just (Y/N) the one who decided to take matters into her hands and help me overcome it.

- "Of course, I am not using again! I just got it and (Y/N) found it in my jacket's pocket at Rossi's party"

- "But why did you get that shit in the first place?"

- "I don't know. After Prentiss died I was in a very dark place and for a moment I felt like I needed to escape from reality. And the only way I knew how to do it was with a needle in my vein."

- "Reid..."- Morgan didn't say another thing. It was probably 'cos he wasn't sure how to deal with such a horrible situation. Even I didn't know what do to.

- "It was a one-time thing. And I didn't even use it. Not even once. But I got it and it was there. I never got rid of it and (Y/N) doesn't want to listen."

- "You understand why, don't you?"- I nodded and stared at my food. I wasn't going to eat it. I didn't want anything but to be with her.

- "Yes, I got the drugs, but I didn't use them. It can't be that bad. Right?"- I lied to myself, though I knew the answer to that question. Morgan just stared at me in silence, maybe trying to read me.

- "I didn't use it, Morgan. I honestly didn't. I've been sober for the last three years of my life, thanks to her."

- "But you got the drugs. How?"

- "I called my dealer."

- "You still got that number? What? Written around just in case?" - "Ideitic memory. Somethings I can't just simply forget."- I confessed and drank what was left of water in my glass.

- "You are in deep shit."

- "I know." - "And how do you plan to fix it?"

- "I have no idea. Frank kept telling me I knew all the answers, 'cos I know (Y/N) better than anyone. But honestly, Morgan. I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I am just scared, terrified actually 'cos I don't wanna lose her."- my chin quivered and I bit my lips not to start crying. Morgan didn't say a word for a few minutes as I tried to recompose myself.

- "She loves you."- that was his entire statement.

- "I know. But I am not sure that is enough this time."- I added- " You don't know what she went through to help me detox. We fought and I actually hit her the last time I used. That's how I realized I needed help. She was there for me and helped me, she got me clean in sober just by locking herself in her apartment with me and taking care of me with love and understanding. And I promised I was never going to use it again not only because it's not good for me, obviously. But because I didn't want to hurt her again. Ever."

I paused my train of thought. I knew I was rambling and just sharing my feelings. But if I continued talking I was going to start crying, and there was no help in that.

- "When are you going to talk to her?"

- "Tonight, I guess. Hotch won't let me talk to her at work."

- "Seems like a good idea to wait. She is still too mad at you."

- "Obviously."- I spit that answer with more anger than I should had.

- "Flowers? Chocolate? Are you gonna get her anything?"- Morgan didn't know my girl, that was obvious.

- "I don't think gifts will help me win her trust back. We are way passed presents. I got drug tested today to prove her I wasn't doing anything, but I don't know if that's gonna be enough."- I explained my friend my plan, the only one I had if you asked me, and tried to stay calm at the thought of her not forgiving me after that.

- "Do you know where is she staying?"- I shook my head and looked at the time. Five o'clock wasn't coming soon enough.

- "I stopped by her friends and parents last night, but nothing. She is in a hotel. I guess."

- "Try to convince her to go home with you, so you can talk privately. I don't think this is a conversation to have over dinner."

- "I don't think she would like to go with me to dinner either."- I chuckled sadly at the thought and sighed- "I don't wanna lose her, Morgan."

- "You won't, kid."

- "Why are you so sure?"

- "She just loves you too much."

(Y/N)'s point of view

Mikey hugged me and waved before disappearing into the elevator. My friend had never visited me at work before, and it was very sweet of him to drop by with food to share at lunchtime. He was a familiar face that always made me feel at home. Of course, we only talked about Spencer and what he had done. Mikey was very mad at him, but somehow still tried to make me consider forgiving him. I told my friend I wasn't ready for any like that and luckily he didn't try to push me.

- "Hey, mom"- I said and closed my eyes, mortified of what I was doing- "How is your day going?"

- "Peanut, how are you feeling? Have you eaten?"- mom sound so worried, she made me feel like a five years old who can not take care of herself. And at the same time, it was very sweet of her.

- "Yeah, Mikey just drove over and brought me lunch. Listen, I was wondering if I can stay with you tonight as well."- straight to the point. I just needed an answer.

- "You haven't talked with Spencer?"- that was not the answer I needed.

- "I am not ready, mom."- my voice was a whisper. An embarrassed whisper.

- "Baby, you are getting married in a week"

- "I don't even wanna think about that. Can I please stay with you? Don't even worry about dinner, I can eat something on my way over."

- "(Y/N), come on! Of course, you can stay here for as long as you want, and I don't mind cooking you dinner. What if we watch a movie? Like a mother and daughter bonding activity?"- I chuckled, imagining her excited face.

- "Sounds like a plan."

- "Great! See you home, peanut."

- "Bye mom, thank you."

My afternoon was slow, but at least I managed to stay productive. Coffee kept me awake and music helped me focus. By five I was mostly done with the paperwork, so I decided to sneak out and leave without being seen by Spencer.

I gathered all my things and texted my coworkers goodbye. I called Hotch and told him I was going home and that I would be back the following morning to finish the few things that were left for me to do before my vacation.

The hall was empty, so I walked as fast as possible and pushed the elevator button. Spencer was nowhere to be seen, and that was a relief. I honestly wasn't ready to talk to him yet. I got into the elevator and pushed the button to close the door as many times as possible, until it finally locked me in there, all alone. I even sighed, feeling safe.

But of course, I wasn't. Spencer was five steps ahead of me. He was waiting for me, standing next to my car. I felt my heart sink as soon as I saw him, and my hands started sweating as I slowly walked over. His eyes were glued in mines in a second. He was expecting me.

- "Can we talk, please?"- he asked, almost under breath as I stood in front of him, hugging my purse tight against my chest, like a shield against him.

- "I rather not."- my words came out cold and severe. I grabbed the keys from my car and walked to the driver's side. But Spencer moved and blocked me.

- "Chipmunk, please, listen to me. I know I made a mistake, but you have to believe me, I didn't use a drop of that bottle."

- "Yeah, sure."- I raised an eyebrow and shook my head- "I believe you, Spencer. You've always been so honest with me, I have no reason to evere doubt your word."

- "Ma cherie, please."- he begged, and his voice broke as he whispered. But I remained cold and angry.

- "Now move from my car. I wanna leave."

- "Let me explain how it happened. It is not as bad as you are thinking."

- "Of course, it's not. I just found a bottle of Dilaudid in my boyfriend's jacket. It might not even be yours, maybe if from some random girl you are also seeing behind my back."

Yes, I was being mean to him, because I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know how mad I was with him, though it was clear he had a fair idea of how I felt.

- "Please, chipmunk, just let me explain"- he begged one more time, and the tears in his eyes almost melted my heart. If only it hadn't been already broken, it might have worked.

- "No, there is nothing to explain. You lied and you cheated on me with the one lover I can't compete against."

It was hard to admit those words, but they were my truth and the reason why his action hurt so much. There was a part of me that always felt if it ever came to "The needle or me", Spencer would pick drugs over me. Why? I have no idea. I just felt it in my guts.

- "I always knew you could not love me the same way love you, Spencer."

- "What? No! Why would you even say that!"- Spencer was crying, and I was biting my lips, tightening my jaw, making a major effort not to share a tear in front of him.

- "Because I love you so much it hurts! And you just keep choosing drugs over me!"

- "Never!! Chipmunk, please! You have to believe me!"- Spencer walked to me and tried to hug me, or grab my arms, but I moved and avoided his touch, reaching the door of my car, and opening it quickly.

- "I can't believe you, Spencer. You fucked it up. I don't trust you anymore."

- "(Y/N), please! I'm begging you! I know I made a mistake, but I love you! I will never do this again."

- "You already promised me that, remember?"- I replied and closed the door of my car, starting the engine and driving away from him as fast as possible.

I started sobbing a minute later, and I didn't stop until I was at my mom's. I know it's very dangerous to drive and cry, but I had to put as much distance between me and Spencer as possible.

When I got to my mom's place, I stayed in the car for a few minutes, trying to calm myself down 'cos I didn't want anyone to see me like that. Especially my mother. I didn't want her to know how fucked up I was.

- "Hey peanut! What took you so long?"- Sofia asked as soon as I walked into the kitchen and left my purse on the table.

- "Sorry, I was on the phone with my boss."- I lied right away and ignored her eyes, reading me. I know you can't lie to a profiler, but you can't lie to your mom either, not successfully at least.

- "So wash up, dinner is ready"- she commanded and turned to the oven, probably to give me some privacy.

Five minutes after I got to my mom's, someone rang the bell. I was in my room, changing my clothes when I heard mom say.

- "Spencer, what are you doing here?"

- "I know she is here, Sofia. I need to talk to her."

Shit, he followed me. Of course, he did.

- "I'm sorry, Spencer. But she doesn't want to talk to you yet."- mom answered and probably stood at the door, not letting him in.

- "Sofia, please, I need to explain to her what happened."

- "No, you need to calm yourself down and give her some space to think"- I widened my eyes as I heard mom defending me. Not that I didn't think she could do it, but somehow I had the idea she would blame me for losing Spencer. The same way she always said I would never have a normal relationship due to my job. But this time, she was on my side, not criticizing me.

- "(Y/N)!"- Spence yelled, and I hid behind my bedroom door- "Please! Chipmunk! I love you! Let me talk to you!"

- "Spencer, you need to go or I'm gonna call my husband."- "ex-husband, mom, but you got it"

- "Please, Sofia. I just... miss her so much."- his voice broke, and I knew my boyfriend was crying in front of my mom, begging her to let him talk to me.

- "Then give her time and space to think. She is gonna talk to you when she is ready"- I bit my lips, knowing Spencer must have been desperate to get to that point.

- "Can you please tell her I love her? And that I miss her, and that I would do anything and everything I can to show her she is the only love I've ever met."

I closed my bedroom door and hide inside my bathroom to cry in peace. I sat in my bathtub and hugged my legs, sobbing, but trying to be as quiet as possible. A few minutes later, mom knocked on my door.

- "I'll be ready for dinner in a minute."- I whispered and tried to stand up, but she just walked into the bathroom and sat by my side inside that bathtub, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I sighed and rested my head against her, letting the tears fall.

- "It's ok, baby. You are gonna be ok. Just cry away that sadness. I've got you."

And after years of playing tuff, I broke in front of my mom and cried my heart out.

Mom held me close as I whimpered and tried to explain to her what had happened. I knew I couldn't fix it alone, and for once, I knew mom had enough experience in life to give me a hand through the shit.

- "There is something you don't know about Spencer"- I whispered and whipped the tears from my face with my sleeve.

- "What is it, baby?"

- "He... had a very hard time after he got abducted a few years ago. It all happened a year after I joined the team, the unsub who got him gave him some drugs and he was hooked for a few months."

- "Hooked? You mean... he was an addict?"- the shock in her voice was obvious.

- "Yes, to Dilaudid. It's an opioid analgesic used to help relieve pain, and it's highly addictive. The unsub forced him to use it, and after that experience, Spencer had issues quitting that shit."

- "So... he is..."- mom stared at me, trying not to look as surprised as she was.

- "A junkie, yes. But he was clean for so many years. I... was sure he was never going to use it again, mom. I mean it. He was doing so good for the last... almost four years."

- "Then what happened?"- mom whispered as she kept caressing my hair slowly, trying to soothe me. - "I found a bottle of Dilaudid in his jacket."- I whispered, ashamed of my confession. Mom didn't say a word, she just kissed my temple and hugged me tighter.

- "My baby."

- "And now I don't know what to do, mom."- I tried to continue talking, but the tears didn't let me. Instead, I turned into a sobbing mess and my mom kept hugging me through the pain.

- "You don't have to do anything tonight, peanut. You don't need to make a decision, forgive him or even hate him. Nothing. You can just cry as much as you want and then maybe have a drink or ten with me."- I chuckled at those words and nodded.

- "Ten drinks sound good."

- "I know. We don't even have to talk about this anymore."

- "You are not gonna ask me about the wedding?"- I whispered, fearing the worst.

- "No, baby. Tonight we drink and eat, and watch a bunch of movies until we pass out. What do you think?"- I sighed and nodded, looking at my mom.

- "I think I'd like that very much."

Mom made me feel like a kid again. And for once, I didn't argue with it. She forced me to eat my dinner, and then gave me an obsene amount of ice cream. She even let me pick the movies we'd watch. By the end of the night, we crawled into her big bed, slightly drunk after a few too many glasses of whisky.

- "I love him, mom"- I mumbled, hugging her as we both got ready to sleep.

- "I know you do, peanut. You'll see, tomorrow everything is gonna be better."

- "How?"- I opened an eye and stared sat her. She just smiled and whispered.

- "I have no idea, but I guess it just can't get worst now, can it?"

I stared at her in silence and just closed my eyes. Could things get worst? Hell yeah. But I didn't want to even think about it.

Spencer's point of view

I stared at the ceiling of my apartment, barely blinking. The whole place was in silence, I laid on my couch, not moving. Not doing anything. I couldn't focus on any book, I couldn't even think. Everything ached, and there was nothing that could make me feel better, except (Y/N)'s voice. Or even just her presence. Her forgiveness.

I knew I had fucked it up. And I still didn't know how to show her just how much I love her. Would she believe me if I show her the negative drug tests? I didn't know. She haD to, I mean, it was the only proof I had that showed I hadn't used a drop of any drugs. But still. I broke her trust. I lied.

Why did I lie? Why couldn't I just tell her how I was feeling? Why was I so weak to think getting drugs was a good idea? And how on earth did I ever think I could hide it from her? She is one of the best profilers I know, if she hadn't found the drug in my jacket, she would have figured it out any other way. I was doomed.

I groaned and hugged a pillow, covering my head with it. I couldn't even I cry anymore, there were no tears left inside my eyes. Just regret, sorrow and anger. I was so mad at me I could have slapped me.

All of a sudden, my phone rang and I jumped from the couch in a second. I quickly answered it and felt my heart jumping inside my chest a hundred miles per hour.

- "(Y/N)!"- I nearly yelled, filled with hopes.

- "Sorry, it's me"- Garcia said at the other side of the line and my heart dropped, breaking again- "I just wanted to know how things were going."

- "Not much to say."- I sat on the couch again and sighed- "Thank you for calling anyway."

- "Did you talk to her?"

- "No, she won't talk to me."

- "I'm sorry, Reid."

- "It's ok. She needs time, I guess."- I didn't even believe that myself, but I imagined if I repeated it as many times as possible, it could turn into my truth.

- "Is there anything I can do?"- I stared at the desolate room in front of me, feeling (Y/N)'s presence all around me. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying not to see the emptiness.

- "Thanks, Garcia."

- "If you need anything, let me know, ok?"

- "Sure."- I knew I wasn't going to bother her, but it was the polite thing to say.

- "And eat lots of seeds and nuts. Nuts and seeds have naturally occurring magnesium, and magnesium influences the production of serotonin, which is the happy-happy-joy-joy chemical in your brain"- I smiled and promised her I would try to eat some. Then I hung up and brushed my hands against my face.

I didn't want to eat, read, or do anything. I walked around the apartment, hunting my own house. I was the ghost of past happiness. Everything around the house hurt me. Her clothes, her books, and the wedding invitation samples on our dinner table. If things ended between us, I knew I was never going to be myself again, because she held every single part of my sanity. My chipmunk, ma cherie. My life.

A knocking on the door took me from my thoughts, and I ran to answer it, begging it was her, coming to talk to me. But no, of course, it wasn't her. Instead, Frank stood there, with a six-pack and two paper bags with what smelled like burgers.

- "Did you eat?"- he asked and walked in, not even saying hello.

- "I'm not in the mood for food."

- "That's ok, you have to eat anyway, doc."- I closed the door and sighed. My friend stood in the middle of the room and took a look around, shaking his head.

- "This place is a mess."

- "Thanks?"- I didn't know what to say, but he just cut me a smile.

- "Come on, doc. I'm here. I brought food and beer. Let's have dinner. Or at least sit at the table with me and pretend to eat, so I can tell (Y/N) you are still kind of functional."- I stared at him in shock, trying to understand what he had just said.

- "Did... did she send you here?" - "No, well, technically no."- Frank chuckled and took off his jacket, walking to one side of the table- "But I am calling her later and telling her I dropped by 'cos I was worried about you, and I'll tell her you were a mess without her anyway. If you want me to add malnourished to the description, that's up to you."

Frank grabbed one of the bags and opened it as he sat down. Honestly, that burger did smell good, and considering I hadn't eaten much that day, other than coffee, I could give it a try. Slowly, I moved to the other side and grabbed the other bag. My friend smiled and nodded, watching me the entire time.

- "They are veggie burgers. I hope you don't mind."- Frank warned me, chewing.

- "I don't. Thank you..."

- "Don't worry. What are friends for?"- I took a bite and thought about what I could answer that.

- "Won't (Y/N) get mad at you for coming here tonight? I mean, she has been your friend for way longer than me."

- "I know that, but you are still my friend, and I worry about you. Regardless of what happens between you two."- Frank answered my question so relaxed and carefree, I was speechless. So I just nodded and took another bite of my burger- "Mikey told me he saw her today by the way."

- "Yes, he stopped by to have lunch with her. I didn't get to talk to him."

- "That's ok, he is still mad at you."- Frank kept talking like he wasn't shocking me with each word. So I tried to be cool and not choke as I stared at him, sipping his beer.

- "He is mad at me?"

- "Yeah. And so am I, but that's another subject."- I widened my eyes and looked at him, waiting for an explanation- "Come on! You broke nugget's heart. You can't expect me to be happy about it. But I understand it was a mistake and you didn't mean to do it."- Frank explained and shrugged- "No one is perfect. But I know you love her and you are regretting all these bad decisions." - "I do, I really do."

- "See? You are a good guy but you fucked it up. You'll be ok, trust me."- he just smiled and continued eating. Frank was my friend, a good friend. Suddenly I realized how lucky I was to have him in my life.

I was scared to say the wrong thing and remind him how mad he was with me, though. So I said very little as we ate. Frank asked a few things: if I had slept, and how I managed not to talk to (Y/N) during work time. He told me about his day, maybe to take me from my own mind.

- "You really freaked out Tarah last night"- he announced after a long pause and cracked another beer.

- "Sorry, who?"

- "The girl in my bed, remember bumping into a stranger when you ran around my apartment trying to find your girlfriend?"- it hit me suddenly, the naked girl in his bed, her shocked face, my deep embarrassment.

- "Sorry, I didn't know you had company."- he lighted a cigarette and simply nodded.

- "It's ok. I wanted you to meet her before the wedding, but those weren't the circumstances I had in mind."

- "She is your plus one? Does (Y/N) know you are bringing a date?"

- "Well, the invitation included a plus one, but I don't know if she knows I am bringing an actual date and not a mutual friend. I wanted to tell you this weekend, invite you over to my place and introduce her. But you two decided it was drama time."

- "Sorry about that."- I looked down at my hands for a moment, embarrassed- "So, where did you guys meet?"

- "A few weeks ago at a local show. We hit it off very fast, and so far it's been great."- he seemed honest, but I knew what the both of us were thinking- "Yeah, Nugget is gonna freak out when I tell her I'm taking a stranger to the wedding. That's why I wanted you to meet her before."

- "I wouldn't worry if I were you. I'm not even sure there's gonna be a wedding after this whole mess."

- "Hey! Come on!"- Frank stood up and walked to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle and two glasses. I just stared at him and shook my head.

- "I mean it. This might be it."

- "Doc, I refuse to think I fucking waited five years for you two to confess your love and start dating only to ruin it five months into the relationship."- he poured two whisky glasses and sat in front of me again- "Do you know what you are gonna do to win her back?"

- "No, I don't know."- I confessed and grabbed the glass. I didn't really know what else to do but sit there and drink with my friend. At least he could listen.

- "What do you mean you don't know? You are a fucking genius!"

- "I... I..."- I stuttered and held my head with both hands- "I know I have to win her trust back, and I also know that's nearly impossible. I only got one way to do it, or at least there is one thing I can think about."

- "Which is?"

- "I got drug tested this morning. Saliva, urine, and hair. It's the only way I can prove to her I am not using any kind of drug."- Frank smiled and raised his hand.

- "High-five it, doc! Finally a better idea than running after her, crying."- I did what he asked, but frowned as soon as I heard the rest of his words- "You know begging won't work with her. That's why I told you to think and use all your intel to make this work. It's not gonna be easy, but I know you can do it."

- "So what if I get the results and she still doesn't forgive me? What then?"

Frank sipped his drink and smoked in silence for a moment. I just looked at him waiting for him to have the answer to all my questions. But instead, he just replied.

- "Then you better have a kickass plan B, 'cos you'd be fucked."

That was not what I wanted to hear.

Friday wasn't supposed to be as grey as that morning was. It was our last working day before our wedding holiday. But instead of being happy and excited, I just felt oppression in my heart that barely allowed me to breathe. I woke up that morning with a killer headache. Frank left after we had a few drinks and literally forced me to to go bed and try to sleep. Around three am I think I finally managed to close my eyes. I don't know if I felt so bad that morning due to sleep deprivation or if I was hungover. Maybe a little bit of both.

On my way to work, I stopped by (Y/N)'s favorite coffee shop and got her breakfast. Black coffee, a fruit salad, and an eclair. I didn't know if she was going to hide in JJ's old office again or if she would be back at her desk. But I wanted to be ready for any scenario.

I didn't know what was gonna happen with (Y/N) that day, or if she would want to talk to me at all. 

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[bengiyo]

Mood Indigo (2019) Ep 6 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

Last time, Kamuuda passed away. Kido has decided to stay with the company out of a sense of loyalty to Kijima and Kamuuda. Mean things were said, but it’s hard to turn away from someone you know so well. I was moved by everyone’s performances.

I do not like rude people at funerals.

Last Episode: to the Other Side that Exists

I suspected Rio was going to have to finish Kamuuda’s book.

Ah, so Kido’s engagement is off. Now I’m curious who he has a daughter with later.

You know, I’ve never been in a complicated, intense relationship while I went to a funeral, so I’ve never felt the desire to do it afterwards.

This man is happy that they fucked in from of Kamuuda’s photo. I’m certain that old man is probably pleased with his work.

Oh, Kido, you just left that man as a ball of nerves and avoided him? Come on.

There’s a whole daughter and a wife now.

Seems like Kuzumi and Kijima have been together for a bit now if Kuzumi is a salaryman.

That’s right, Kido. You lost your making-out-in-a-cab privileges when you flaked out on him after the funeral.

“Call me if you need anything.” Bro, are you going to even answer??

Oh good. Haru didn’t notice Kido.

“Deep in my heart the flame is still there because it was never put out.” I’m so over this man. Fuckboi behaviors. You have a wife and a child. Go home.

Living together is very serious. I’m glad to see Kuzumi again.

How dare they not let me see Haru and Rio kiss.

Final Verdict: 9, Highly Recommended. This was an excellent prequel that I think genuinely elevates the original work by giving us insight into how Kijima became so messed up. I also appreciated the frank and earnest way this show approached male-male desire and the physical realities of intimacy. I like as well that sexuality doesn’t seem to be the primary issue here insomuch as it is about who feels free to be who they are and how the constraints of expectations plague these characters. I’m glad I finished this before getting deeper into Only Friends, because I will be thinking about the kids of m/m intimacy allowed to be shown on platforms like YouTube and TV.

[coffeewhiskeyandotherdarkthings]

Keep You (Until the End Prequel)

rating: E (18+ only, MDNI)

Series Summary: A single afternoon changes everything. A reflective on the ten years before leaving the Boston QZ.

Series Warnings: smut (m/f pairing, oral, intercourse, dom/sub undertones, a pinch of Daddy kink) angst, suicidal ideation, grief, mentions of child loss, cannon typical violence, infidelity, no use of Y/N, reader has nickname (of sorts), no explicit body descriptions

This is not an exhaustive list but should serve as an indication of the general content.

Word Count: 11.4K (oops)

One Two Three Four

A/N: This is the conclusion of the prequel. Series debut of Until the End is scheduled for 09/01/23.

The next time I saved Joel Miller’s life was… well.

It wasn’t obvious, to either of us, until years later.

It was a little over a year since Tommy had left Boston and headed west with the Fireflies. Two, sometimes three times a month, he’d get a message to Joel, just a few words to let him know he was alive, doing well—safe. Every now and then he’d ask about me or Tess, the interest purely for form. If Tess took offense to the dismissal, she didn’t make her feelings known. If I’d taken offense—which I didn’t—I wouldn’t have had much of a leg to stand on.

Not that it mattered, since Joel was offended enough for all of us.

“It’s rude, is what I’m saying.” He scowled at the ceiling, one arm thrown over his head, the other curled around my waist, keeping me anchored against him. “Our mama raised us better than that.”

“Joel.” I stretched up until I was able to press my lips to his chin. “I don’t think either of us are in a position to complain about someone’s lack of manners.”

He grumbled something unintelligible under his breath before lapsing into silence, absentmindedly tapping his fingers against the scar I carried from the Firefly explosion. I laid my head on his chest, the sound of his steady breathing lulling me toward sleep. I was almost there when he said, “Bill wants to know if you’d be willing to make a house call.”

I sat up, or tried to, as Joel instinctively tightened his grip when I moved. Twisting my neck until I was able to look up at him, I said, “A house call? Bill wants a doctor?”

“Not for him. For Frank.”

“Ah.” That made more sense. “Did he say why?”

“No.” Joel frowned, his gaze still locked on the ceiling. “I know the last time we were there, Frank looked a little frail. Mentioned he hadn’t been able to run like he used to—legs kept trying to give out on him. Saw him drop a few things, too, like he couldn’t get a good grip.”

“Anything else?” Information that vague wouldn’t even come close to helping narrow down a diagnosis but it was better than going into the situation blind. When Joel shook his head, I sighed and laid my head back on his chest. “Okay. I’ve got people coming in for the next few days but I should be able to clear my schedule for a week or so after that.”

“That’s fine. Need some time to pull together supplies anyway. Go over business with Tess before we leave.”

“She’s not coming with us?”

“No.” He shifted and a moment later I felt his lips brush the top of my head. “I think we deserve a little time for ourselves.”

I’d only been out of the QZ three times since Tommy had left, primarily because the clinic kept me too busy to be gone for weeks at a time. The other, unspoken reason was an attempt at fairness, a laughable one but one nonetheless. When they were outside the QZ, Tess could pretend I didn’t exist and that things between her and Joel were exactly the same as they’d been almost eight years earlier. Joel still lived in the apartment next door, still slept in the same bed with her, still cared for her and about her.

But I was right next door.

And I wasn’t leaving.

And if for some reason I did, Tess knew I wouldn’t be leaving alone.

So she made no comment about the amount of time he spent with me and I made no complaint about being confined to the QZ. A laughable attempt at fairness.

I spent the next three days working almost nonstop in an effort to clear my schedule, taking patients well past my normal operating hours, sacrificing precious pills to bribe the FEDRA agents who patrolled the surrounding blocks so curfew wouldn’t be an issue. When I closed the door on the final patient, sending them off to nurse a vague illness they’d described as “feeling poorly” with an herbal tea, Joel looked up from the paperwork strewn across the table and frowned. “You should have booted him out the second he walked in. He was only here for drugs.”

“Then he was an idiot because it’s well known you have to be on the verge of dying before I’ll even think about giving you anything.” I rolled my shoulders as I meticulously set every lock, doing my best to ignore the fist-sized knot which had taken up residence between my shoulder blades at some point in the last few hours. “Besides, I’m low on the good stuff, at least until the next supply run.”

“Thought you just stocked up last month.”

“And you know FEDRA only deals in three, possibly four, types of currency, depending on the agent.” I turned to find him leaning against the archway separating the kitchen from the general living space, studying me with his arms crossed. Rolling my shoulders again, I sighed, dragging one hand through my hair. “The only one I had on hand and was willing to use was the good stuff.”

“Hmm.” He pushed off the doorframe and ambled toward the sofa, dropping down on it with a thud which made me wince and wonder if he’d finally broken it. Draping one arm across the back, he crooked a finger at me with his free hand. “C’me here.”

“I should straighten up the exam room.” And yet, I half walked, half stumbled across the room, toeing off my well-worn Converse before stretching out on the sofa, pillowing my head on his thigh. “What time are we leaving?”

“Sunrise is around seven. We leave here around four, we should be able to blend in with the late crews headed home, get out of the QZ no later than five-thirty.” He trailed a single finger up my back, caressing each vertebrae. “Wait for the sun to come up. Take the route through the hotel—it was clear last time Tess and I went through. Should be able to make it to Lincoln by one, two at the latest.” When he reached the knot, he pressed his finger down hard, murmuring under his breath when I whined and tried to squirm away. “Thought so. Pushed yourself too hard, baby.”

“Had to.” I whined again when he switched from a single finger to the heel of his palm, applying more pressure. “Ouch, Joel.”

“Poor baby.” Even without looking, I knew he was fighting a smile. “Want me to stop?”

Before I could answer, he circled his palm around the knot, releasing the first bit of tightness, and I moaned at the nearly carnal pleasure.

He chuckled, the low, smoky sound causing other muscles to tighten. “I’ll take that as a ‘no’.” He continued working on the knot, murmuring soft praise as I gradually relaxed, all but sinking into the sofa, head lolling on his thigh as my mind emptied of everything except him. After he soothed the final muscle into submission, he stroked his hand down my back once before reversing course, cupping the nape of my neck, rubbing his thumb over where my pulse beat thick and sluggish. “Sweet girl. You work too hard.”

“Hmm.” I pressed my lips to his denim-covered knee, the only part of him I could reach. I sighed when he helped me turn over, brushing the hair out of my face until we could see each other clearly. When he pressed his thumb to my chin, I offered him a lazy smile. “Hi.”

“Hi, yourself.” He chuckled again, brushing his thumb over my lower lip. “You’re beautiful. You know that, right?” He dug his nail into my lip when I started to shake my head, frowning at me. “You are. But when you’re like this… soft… pliable… blissed out….” He punctuated each bit of praise with a stroke of his finger—my cheekbone, the bridge of my nose, the line of my jaw, swallowing hard when I sighed again, unintentionally arching my hips. “The Lord himself would be tempted for a taste of you.”

“Joel.” I tried to push up to my elbows, grumbling when he tightened his grip, an unspoken signal to not move. “Please?”

“Please what, darlin’?” He slid the very tip of his thumb between my lips, too shallow for me to suckle on, and I let my eyes flutter shut. “You’re so pretty when you use your words for me.”

Which wouldn’t have been a problem if his hands hadn’t already coaxed so many endorphins out of me that stringing together a complete sentence seemed like an insurmountable task. I’d told him once he was good with his hands and he’d proven it time and time again. It took only a single touch to reduce me to trembling and little more than that to empty my mind of anything except him.

So trying to put into words what I wanted was… difficult.

“Suppose it’s not fair, asking you to do something like that when I know you don’t have a single thought in that pretty head of yours.” He slipped his thumb further into my mouth and I curled my tongue around it, humming low in contentment at the first taste of him. I heard the faint rustle of fabric as he shifted above me and a moment later felt his free hand comb through my hair, spreading the loose strands over his thighs. “Still, you know the rules, sugar.”  He wound my hair around his hand, tugging once before pulling his thumb free, chuckling when I whimpered in obvious disappointment. “So—please what?”

“Please.” I moved to sit up again and this time he let me, maneuvering me until I was straddling one thigh, his palm resting heavy against the small of my back, holding me in place. Leaning forward, I nuzzled the curve of his neck, breathing deep until the air in my lungs was filled with the scent of him. “Take care of me.”

Take care of me. Let me keep you. In the morning. Mine. We had our own language, Joel and I, our own way of acknowledging the emotions we were still too superstitious to name, a language which confused people even as they accepted that our relationship was more than what we showed the world. In much the same way we’d kept our griefs between us, we kept the depth of our feelings for us and us alone—one thing the world couldn’t have, couldn’t touch.

We’d already given the world enough.

“Been thinkin’ ‘bout takin’ care of ya all day.” His accent, always so soft around the edges, grew even softer when we moved into this dynamic, not quite a drawl but close and I sighed and cuddled closer, my eyelids starting to droop. “But you’re tired and we got an early start and a long walk tomorrow.” He tugged on my hair until I lifted my head and met his gaze, deep brown irises almost obscured by his dilated pupils. “Don’t want you hurtin’ tomorrow, sweet girl.”

“I won’t complain. Promise.” I peppered his chin with soft kisses, brushed my lips over the tip of his nose, smiling when he scrunched it up. “Please?”

“No.” His eyes might have been mournful but his tone was firm and I shivered in response. Unwinding his hand from my hair, he cupped my chin, tutting when I pouted. “Now, don’t be that way, darlin’ or I’mma have to send you off to bed without your reward.” He tapped his thumb on my lower lip, frowning when I continued to pout. “Y’know I only want what’s best for ya.” After another moment, I relented, pulling my lip in, and he stroked his thumb over my skin. “There’s my good girl.”

“What—.” I cut off my own question with a massive yawn, both of us wincing as my jaw cracked. Blinking rapidly, I said, “Sorry.”

“Told ya you were tired.” He pushed to his feet, holding me flush against him until I was mostly steady, both of us choosing to ignore the way I swayed like a sapling in a light breeze. “Come’n. Off to bed.”

“But you said—.”

“As soon as you’re in bed.” He flashed me a grin which would have made my knees weak if they weren’t already. “Promise, darlin’. I’mma take care of you.”

“But—.”

“You’re breakin’ my heart, sweet girl.” He walked me backward toward the bedroom, his forehead creasing as he frowned even though his pupils were still wide with lust. “I’mma give you one last chance to settle down and be good—shouldn’t, since we both know you know better but I’m gonna be patient with you since I know you’re tired.” He stopped when my knees hit the edge of the mattress, holding me steady with one hand while stripping my clothes off with the other, letting them pile at our feet. He gave me a gentle push, allowing me to scoot up the bed before crawling after me. Leaning over and caging me in with his body, he brushed his lips over mine. “Now, you close your eyes, darling, and dream happy dreams.”

I snorted out a laugh only to squeal when he nipped at the curve of my breast. He gripped my hip with one hand, pinning me to the mattress when I tried to squirm away. Scowling up at me through his lashes, he said, “Kay.”

I immediately stilled, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. Just that, the use of my not-real name, was enough to let me know Joel had had enough of my attitude. When we were alone, he referred to me by one endearment or another. My not-real name was reserved for public, for serious conversations, and for the rare times when he believed I was being a brat and wasn’t in the mood to indulge me.

This, apparently, was one of those times.

“Good girl.” He pressed a chaste kiss to my sternum before nuzzling the inside curve of one breast. “Happy dreams, darling. “

I concentrated on my breathing as he trailed kisses down my torso, inhaling for three beats, holding for two, and exhaling for three. Even when he swirled his tongue over my scar, which we’d both been surprised to learn was sensitive in the best way, I continued taking steady breaths. He chuckled against my hip, his beard rasping over my skin. “You’re supposed to be relaxing, sugar. I can hear you thinking all the way down here.”

“Just my breathing.” I was surprised to find my voice was already thick with sleep, my limbs heavy with it. When he settled between my thighs, shifting one of my legs to rest on his shoulder, I sighed and snuggled deeper into the mattress. “Helps me relax.”

“Got somethin’ little better in mind.” He pressed a light kiss to my clit, humming low in his throat before easing his tongue between my folds, dragging it down and back up before circling my clit, sucking gently. I lifted one hand, threading my fingers through his hair but making no attempt to direct his attentions. Releasing the sensitive bundle of nerves with a soft popping sound, he murmured, “Don’t pay me no mind, baby. You go on to sleep now.”

“Not tired.” An absolute lie, especially given the fact I was all but slurring my words, but one Joel chose not to call me on. “Want you.”

“You got me, sweet girl.” Another soft kiss to my clit and I felt the bed shift underneath me as he adjusted his position, sliding one hand under me to cup my ass while the other traced random circles on my inner thigh. “Sleep.”

I was out before he coaxed the first orgasm from me.

I wouldn’t say it was the best sleep of my life. But it was absolutely in the top five.

The next morning, we were up and out the door before the sun rose. Even so early, the streets were relatively busy, making it easy to blend in and avoid FEDRA. The walk through the ruins of Boston was uneventful even it did highlight one or two areas for concern. For instance, the hotel—which was far and away the safest route through—was showing its age, with small sections of the roof caving in and others clearly being supported by hopes and prayers. The streets themselves were still largely free of infected but whereas in the past they’d stayed deep within buildings, the massive, twisted collection of bodies was all but spilling on to the sidewalk in certain areas. I waited until we were clear of the city center and on the actual road toward Lincoln before speaking. “You’re going to have to find a new route through the city soon.”

“Probably.” If Joel was worried, it didn’t show. If anything, he seemed more relaxed, more at ease, than I’d seen in quite a while. Taking my hand and lacing our fingers together, he rubbed his thumb over my knuckles. “Making good time. Should get to Lincon by noon.” My stomach let out an involuntary rumble and he chuckled. “Feel the same way, darlin’. Wonder what Bill has on the menu.”

“Does it matter?” I laughed when he immediately shook his head, lifting our hands and spinning me under his arm in some long forgotten dance move. When I stumbled on a rock, he pulled me flush against him, steadying me for a moment only to spin me again. “Joel!”

“What do you miss from before?” He paused, then rushed to clarify. “Not a person but a thing. Or something you used to do.”

“Huh.” I blinked, nonplussed. “I don’t know. After the outbreak, I just… everything from before seemed almost like a dream or like it happened to somebody else.” I let him twirl me one, two, three more times before planting my feet, looking up at him. “Reading outside.” He lifted one brow in question and I laughed. “Sometimes, when Cam was in daycare and Daniel was at school or the hospital, I’d take my books and notes and go study in the park near our house. Maybe bring some snacks, have a little picnic.” I started walking backward, pulling on his hand until he began to follow me. “Not really something you can do these days.”

Joel snorted out a laugh. “No, not really.”

“What about you?” I studied him, the early morning sun glinting off the grey in his stubble. When he didn’t immediately answer, I drew up short, frowning up at him and tugging his hand. “Joel?”

“Sundresses.”

I stared at him. “I’m confused.”

“Temps start hitting in the eighties and nineties in Texas before the end of April and every woman between the ages of twenty and fifty trades her jeans and boots in for sundresses and sandals.” He leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose. “And I might have been too old for half and too young for the other half but it didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the view. Respectfully, of course.”

“Of course.” I let him turn me forward again, walking in silence for a few minutes. I cleared my throat but my voice was still thin and about an octave too high when I spoke again, doing my best to fight back a fit of giggles. “Sundresses?”

“I’m a simple man, darlin’.” He pulled me close and brushed his lips over my hair. “Only ever wanted a good and simple life.”

We reached Lincoln about half past noon then waited another ten minutes or so for Bill to come clear us through the gate, even though we both had the security code. The older man might have mellowed some through the years, at least according to Joel and Tess, but he was still prone to shooting first and asking questions later. As far as post-outbreak philosophies went, it was one I understood and respected and absolutely did not want to see in action.

When Bill finally reached us, grunting a general greeting, the first thing I noticed was the shadows under his eyes. The second thing I noticed was the pallor underneath his ruddy color. The third, and most telling, observation was the realization that both Joel and I had to shorten our strides and slow our pace in order to not leave the other man behind us. While Bill admittedly exercised only when Frank nagged him into it and then only begrudgingly, I’d heard stories from both men about Bill’s general stamina.

I might have been asked out to Lincoln to examine Frank but if I had my way I was going to spend a few minutes poking and prodding Bill before I left.

“When you sent word you’d be staying for a few days, we went ahead and cleaned up one of the other houses. Nothing fancy, just some sweeping, dusting, that sort of thing. Put new sheets on the bed, towels in the bathroom, couple pillows and blankets.” Bill slowed even further, shielding his eyes from the sun with the flat of his hand as he nodded at a small house across the street from the one he and Frank shared. “Figured it’d be better if we weren’t all living in each other’s pockets. Thought you might like some space for yourself.”

I glanced at Joel, tucking my tongue in my cheek to keep from laughing at the expression on his face, which could only be described as gobsmacked. Although it wasn’t necessary, seeing as Bill was an inch or so shorter than me, I still stretched up on my toes to press my cheek to his. “Thank you. We appreciate it.” My stomach chose that moment to remind me we’d skipped breakfast and it was closing in on close to eighteen hours since I’d last eaten. Now I did laugh as I dropped back on my toes while behind me Joel snorted and shook his head in disbelief. “We’d also appreciate lunch, if it isn’t too much trouble.”

An hour later, we were finishing the sort of meal which would have put a restaurant on the map in pre-outbreak days. Bill and Frank were both on their second glass of wine while Joel was just reaching the end of his first. I’d taken three sips so as not to offend either of our hosts before switching to water. I’d thought that little fact had gone unnoticed until Frank said, “Doc, I didn’t take you for a teetotler.”

“No, just….” I trailed off, tracing the foot of the wine glass with one finger before finally laughing and shaking my head. “Red wine gives me migraines.”

“That’s unfortunate.” Frank paused for a moment, frowning. “We have white. And rose.” He looked at Bill, waiting until his partner nodded in confirmation before continuing. “It wouldn’t have been a problem to open another bottle.”

“I’ll admit it’s been quite a few years since I had to worry about food and wine pairings but I do remember that red meat gets red wine.” I nudged my glass toward Joel and then turned my attention back to Frank. “And I am also absolutely not going to disrespect this meal with the wrong wine because I’m relatively certain if some higher power didn’t strike me down then Bill’s disappointment would do the trick.” I waited until their laughter died away before adding, “Besides, it’s generally considered a bad idea to practice medicine when you’re intoxicated.”

Frank’s frown deepened, his gaze hardening as he shifted his attention back to Bill, his voice low and tight. “I thought you said they were coming for a visit.”

“They are—visiting, I mean.” If Bill seemed bothered by Frank’s tone, it didn’t show as he set his fork down and folded his hands in front of his plate. “But there’s nothing wrong in having Doc take a look at you, either.” Frank started to open his mouth, no doubt to protest, when Bill said, “Please. For me.”

“Damn it.” Frank flung his own fork down and sat back in his chair with a heavy sigh. “Fine. For you.” He pointed at Bill. “But if she’s taking a look at me, she’s going to take a look at you, too.”

Bill picked up his fork with a grumble. “Fine.”

“Great.” I looked at the glass of wine I’d passed to Joel and contemplated taking a sip for courage but decided against it. “Who’s first?”

An hour later, Bill shuffled out of the spare bedroom I’d turned into an exam room, just as cranky as when he’d entered but with a bit more color in his cheeks. Not for the first time since I’d returned to the medical field did I find myself wishing for tests and labs in which to run them. As it stood, I could only rule out ailments and then make educated guesses about the remaining possibilities. In Bill’s case, it seemed as if some of the fatigue was due to low iron, with the best remedy being an increase in greens since I knew he had them in the garden. The majority, however, seemed to be a result of reduced sleep, which Bill had admitted was due to worry about Frank. Since telling him not to worry about the man he loved would be as useless as trying to keep the sun from rising, I didn’t even try.

There was a cursory knock on the door before Frank slipped into the room, closing the door behind him. Shoving his hands in his pockets, he rocked on his heels for a moment before saying, “So. Let’s get this over with, yeah?”

“Just a minute.” I took a moment to finish my notes for Bill’s file—old habits die hard—before slipping it back in my bag and pulling out a fresh folder. Glancing up at Frank, I said, “You can sit down. We’re going to talk a bit first before I do any sort of examination.”

“Everything good with Bill?” The other man perched on the edge of the bed, his back ramrod straight. “I know he hasn’t been sleeping a lot lately.”

“You know I can’t discuss his medical history with you unless he gives me consent.” I shook my head when he scowled at me. “The world might have ended and ethics in general might be a thing of the past but there are still lines.”

“Damn ethics.” His scowl melted into a half-hearted smile, his shoulders slumping as he took a deep breath. “Same goes for me, right? You can’t tell Bill anything about medical about me, right?”

“Right.” I studied him for a moment, taking note of the tension around his eyes and mouth, the slight tremble in his hands. “So Bill told Joel a few things and Joel passed them on to me, just for background. Still, I’d like for you to tell me how you’ve been feeling, any concerns you have, and then I’ll do a brief physical exam.”

He took another deep breath, this one shakier. “Okay.”

I tried to keep the conversation light, casual, as we moved through the exam, encouraging Frank to talk about his art while I checked his vitals, his glands, his chest and stomach. Satisfied with the initial results, I jotted down a few notes before pulling a small rubber ball and a reflex hammer. Setting them aside, I held my hands out to Frank. “Okay. Squeeze my hands as hard as you can.”

The second part of the exam took close to an hour, primarily because I double-checked and then triple-checked his reactions. The longer the exam continued, the more noticeable Frank’s fatigue and general weakness became, and by the time I finished he was nearly as pale as the bed linens. Returning to my chair, I said, “Do you want to take a few minutes and rest? I can go grab you some juice if you have any.”

“No.” He shook his head. “No, I’m fine.” Bracing his hands on the bed, he said, “Give it to me straight, Doc.”

“Best guess, you have some sort of disease affecting your nervous system. If I had to pick one, I’d say amyotrophic lateral sclerosis—you’ve probably heard it referred to as Lou Gehrig’s disease.” I kept my tone neutral, almost brisk, as if it would somehow make the bombshell I was dropping on him more bearable. “Again, best guess, and I’d emphasize the guessing part of that phrase. Pre-outbreak, your doctor would have ran tests and imaging, ruling out any other possibilities before diagnosing you with ALS.”

“Best guess is better than none at all, right?” He gave a weak laugh. “So what’s next? Or what would be next?”

“Over time, your motor functionality will decrease as more nerve cells break down. Partial paralysis is a very good possibility.” I paused. “Do you want the rest?”

He swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

“Muscle relaxers and physical therapy will slow the progress of the disease but there’s no cure.” It was my turn to swallow down the knot in my throat and blink back the corresponding tears. “Average life expectancy after diagnosis is two to five years.” Despite my efforts, a single tear still slipped free. “I’m sorry, Frank. I’m so sorry.”

“Me, too.” We sat in silence for a few minutes before he chuckled. “It’s almost anti-climatic, isn’t it? In a post-apocalyptic world, the thing that’s going to kill me is essentially bad genetics?”

“Doctors don’t really know what causes ALS—it might be inherited but it might also be a case of… well, like you said—bad genetics.” I hesitated for a moment, considering the possibility I might be overstepping but deciding I didn’t really care either way. “I know Joel and Tess have a connection in one of the FEDRA factories, someone who supplies them with narcotics. They should be able to supply muscle relaxers as well.” And if they couldn’t, I’d take the time to research a homeopathic alternative. “As far as physical therapy—.”

“I’ve got it covered.” He offered me a ghost of a smile. “Put some of my pre-outbreak knowledge to use.” He dragged a hand through his hair and sighed. “Bill doesn’t need to know. Not yet.”

“The longer you wait to tell him, the more difficult it’s going to be for both of you.” I held up a hand, cutting him off before he could protest. “This disease is manageable in the short term, yes, but it’s not manageable without help.” Lowering my hand, I fixed him with a stare. “Leaving that aside, it’s a really shitty thing to do to someone who loves you and who you love.”

“I know.” When I continued to stare at him, he sighed. “I know. But Bill… he’s… for all the exterior toughness, he’s remarkably fragile.”

I smiled in spite of myself. “People used to think I was fragile, too.”

“And?”

“I blew up half an apartment building.”

Frank barked out a laugh. “Bet that changed their mind.”

“Maybe.” I began putting my instruments and papers away, pausing when I was struck with a thought. “You mentioned something once about a boutique here in Lincoln, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, had to fight Bill tooth and nail to get him to fix it up.” He lifted his brows. “Feeling like doing a little shopping?”

Dinner was a muted affair, with Bill staring at me, Frank staring at Bill, and Joel seemingly lost in thought. By the end of the meal, I was nodding off into my wine—white, served by Frank with a wink—and when Bill escorted us across the street, I stumbled on the sidewalk, nearly faceplanting on the pavement. Muttering something vaguely uncomplimentary under his breath, Joel scooped me up, grunting as he adjusted my weight before following Bill.

“I can walk.” Even to my own ears, the protest sounded weak.

“Sure you can, baby.” He brushed his lips over my temple. “Maybe I just feel like carrying you.”

“Hmm.” I turned my face toward his chest, rubbing my cheek over his flannel. “Tired.”

“I know.” Another whisper of a kiss. “Go on to sleep now.”

“In the morning.” I drew in a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent of him. “Promise.”

“In the morning.”

I was asleep before he laid me in bed.

When I woke the next morning, I was alone.

I rolled to my stomach and pressed my face into the sheets, still warm from Joel’s body, content to simply laze away the morning. As the fog of sleep began to fade, I became aware of the dull thud of rain against the roof and when I turned my face and opened my eyes I saw nothing but wet and grey through the windows. I stared for a moment longer before rolling to my back, grabbing a pillow, and using it to muffle a groan.

There went my seemingly perfect plan for the day.

“Well, that’s a fine way to say ‘good morning’.” Joel’s voice was deep and gravely, still thick with sleep and a hint of amusement. “And I even brought you coffee.”

“Coffee?” I sat up, dropping the pillow in my lap. “Really?”

“Bill set us up with enough for a few days, which might be the nicest thing he’s ever done.” Pushing off the door frame, he ambled across the room, passing me the cup as he eased his way onto the bed. “Scootch over, darlin’, or I may change my mind about sharing.”

“Meanie.” I took the cup from him as I scooted back to my side of the mattress, inhaling the rich aroma before taking a tentative sip, biting back a moan at the first taste. “I haven’t had coffee in years.”

“I swear I used to live on it. Probably drank six cups a day.” He waited until I took another, longer sip before taking the mug back. “Guessing you drank more between school and Cam.”

“I think my consumption might have actually reached a point where I was drinking solely for the taste because the caffeine didn’t really an impact.” I took the mug from him and sipped again. “God, I missed this.”

For a few minutes the only sound in the room was the rain pouring down outside as we finished the single cup of coffee. Joel offered me the final sip, humming low in his throat when I shook my head. “Thank you, darlin’.” Setting the empty cup on the nightstand, he curled his arm around my shoulders, pulling me tight against him. “Got a confession.”

“Hmm?” The rain was counteracting the effects of the caffeine, lulling me back to sleep. “What’s that?”

“Planned a surprise for you, something special.” He tangled his fingers in the ends of my hair, tugging gently. “Damn rain went and ruined it.”

“Had a surprise for you, too.” I pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw. “Damn rain.”

“Hmm.” He continued playing with my hair, his fingers stilling after a moment. “Maybe….”

“What?”

“Why don’t you stay up here, have yourself a nice little lie-in?” He slipped out of bed, arranging the pillows behind me before tugging the blanket up over me. Leaning down, he kissed my forehead. “I’m gonna get dressed, take care of a few things, and then we can have lunch.”

“Lunch?” I glanced at the clock, gasping when I saw the time. “Is that the right time? Really? It’s so late! I never sleep this late.”

“Which is why it isn’t a sin that you did it now so stop worrying.” He pressed his thumb to the spot between my eyebrows. “And before you say you aren’t, I can see your mind gearing up for a good worry session.” Giving me a quick kiss, he said, “Take a nap, darlin’. I’ll come get you when lunch is ready.”

“Wake me up before then. I want to take a shower.” Struck with a thought, I started to sit up only to plop back down against the pillows when Joel gave me a gentle shove. “I just wanted to check and see if we had hot water.”

“Bill said he took care of it.” Planting his fist next to my head, he leaned down and nipped at my chin. “Now, do like I asked and take a nap. I gotta tell you again and I’m gonna have to hold your surprise until after your punishment.” He chuckled when my breathing hitched. “Probably shouldn’t have threatened you with a good time but still… be a sweet girl for me and I’ll make it worth your while.”

“Fine.” When he frowned at me, tilting his head ever so slightly, I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Yes, sir.”

“Hmm.” He straightened, brushing a hand over my hair before flicking the tip of my nose. “Don’t think you won’t get punished for that little bit of sass, sugar.”

I watched him putter around the room, muttering under his breath as he pulled on jeans and a flannel shirt, glancing over at me every once in a while as if to make sure I was still following directions. Seemingly satisfied, he gave me one last kiss before leaving the room, closing the door behind him. I closed my eyes, certain I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep, certain my mind was simply too full to let me relax.

So when Joel woke me with a series of gentle kisses, I was more than a little confused.

“Waswrong?” I slid one hand into his hair, scratching my nails over his scalp. “S’mergency?”

“No, baby.” He chuckled as he pulled me up to a sitting position, shifting me until I was able to rest my chin on his shoulder. “We’re in Lincoln, remember?” Stroking a hand down my back, he chuckled again when I simply hummed my understanding. “You sleep hard when you get the chance, don’t you?”

“Hmm.” Turning my face until I could press my lips to his pulse, I murmured, “Haven’t slept like that since before the outbreak.” Drawing back until I could look at him, I said, “Did you sleep?”

“Only time I get a good sleep is when I’m with you.” He brushed his thumb over my cheekbone, his gaze steady on mine. “Go on and take your shower, darlin’. Give me a holler when you’re ready, I’ll come up and get you.”

“If I do that, it’ll ruin your surprise.” I laughed when he lifted his brows in question. “And no, no hints.”

“Fair enough.” He slipped out of bed, pulling me with him and turning me toward the bathroom, giving me a light tap on my ass. “Off you go.”

A half hour later, I studied myself in the mirror, giving an experimental twirl and watching the skirt of the dress float out around me before settling in place. The selection at the boutique had been limited, especially in my size, but fortunately had ran to simple, classic styles. In the end, I’d chosen a dark blue sundress with a rucched and shirred bodice snug enough to lift my breasts above the neckline and create a significant amount of cleavage. The skirt ended an inch or so above my knees and billowed beautifully with every movement.

Unpinning my hair from the tight bun I’d put it up in before my shower, I shook it out, pleased to find the steam had worked waves and not frizz into the length. For the first time in close to two decades, I found myself wishing almost desperately for make-up, even something as simple as mascara.

I wanted to look pretty.

Even as I had the thought, I flushed with embarrassment. Or maybe shame. It seemed almost selfish to be thinking about my appearance in a world where survival required a certain level of brutality. Except we were in Lincoln, which was probably one of the, if not the, safest places left in this new world. For the next few days, I had no responsibilities, no pressing concerns, no real worries. And Joel was waiting for me downstairs.

Maybe I was allowed to be selfish. on occasion.

“I’m not trying to rush you, darlin’, but you got about two minutes before I go up there, throw you over my shoulder, and haul your butt downstairs.” His threat might have carried a bit more weight if I hadn’t been able to hear the laughter in his voice and if he hadn’t continued speaking. “And you keep rolling your eyes like that you’re gonna roll them clean out of your head.”

“I wasn’t rolling my eyes,” I called out as I left the bathroom, pausing at the bedroom door and peeking my head around the doorframe. “Where are you?”

“In the living room.”

“Close your eyes.” Now I did roll my eyes when I heard him grunt. “Please?” He grumbled for a moment before going silent and I raised my voice. “Are they closed?”

“Kay.”

“I’m coming downstairs now.” When I reached the bottom step and turned toward the archway separating the hall from the living room, I ran smack into Joel, nearly sending both of us to the floor. He managed to keep us on our feet and keep his eyes closed, which made me smile. “You could have mentioned you were practically blocking the entrance.”

“Suppose you’re right.” He kissed my forehead. “Surprise is behind me.”

“Do you want me to close my eyes?”

“Probably a bad idea for us both to be walking around here blind.” Much as he’d done on the road to Lincoln, he twirled me away from him, turning at the same time so when he pulled me in, we were facing the living room with my back to his chest. Resting his chin on my shoulder, he murmured, “Not quite a picnic in a park but….”

He’d pushed the furniture to the perimeter of the room, leaving the center of the room open, allowing him to create a little nest of blankets and pillows. The coffee table had been turned into a small buffet, two bottles of champagne tucked snuggly in an ice bucket. Dozens of candles flickered on the mantel and in the hearth, casting a glow around the dim room.

“Awful quiet, darlin’.” He pressed his lips to my temple. “Makin’ me worried.”

“It’s better.” I had to pause to swallow the lump in my throat, to blink away the sudden rush of tears. “No ants.”

“Didn’t mean’ta make you sad.” Another kiss, even softer than the last. “Just wanted to do something special for you.”

“I’m not sad.” I didn’t have to see his face to know he was frowning and I managed a watery chuckle. “I’m not. I promise.” Slipping out of his embrace, I turned to face him, taking a few steps back before running my hands over the dress to smooth out any last minute wrinkles, real or imagined. “Okay. You can open your eyes now.”

When he did, his face went completely slack, his mouth falling open a bit. He took his time looking me over, his eyes dilating with each passing second until only the thinnest rim of brown remained visible. One hand flexed next to his thigh, fingers trembling slightly, while the other came up to grab his belt buckle, hooking his thumb in his jeans. After a few minutes, I said, “Awful quiet.”

“Took my breath away, darlin’.” He took a step forward only to immediately stop, shaking his head. “Need another minute.”

“Is that good or bad?” When he didn’t answer, I clasped my hands at my waist, fighting the urge to fidget. “Joel?”

“Darlin’, if I put my hands on you right now I’m gonna ruin that pretty dress.” He shifted his gaze to mine and my breath caught, heat slicing through me at the hunger in his eyes. “And then I’m gonna ruin you.”

Before I even realized I was moving, I’d closed the distance between us, my hands sliding up into his hair as he wrapped his arms around me, crushing my mouth under his. He grabbed the back of my dress, twisting and fisting the fabric, and through the pounding in my ears I heard something rip, felt the sudden give in the dress as something tore. When he would have pulled away, I dug my nails into his scalp, swallowing down his moan, only to have him break the kiss and rasp out, “Told ya I’d ruin it.”

“Don’t care.” I ran my tongue over his lower lip before digging my teeth into the tender flesh, every part of me melting when he growled low in his throat. “More.”

“Fuck.” Dragging me to the floor, he hooked his hand in the bodice of the dress, twisting and pulling until the seams ripped and he was able to yank the material down to my waist. Immediately he bent, drawing one nipple into his mouth and suckling with a ruthlessness which bordered on painful. Letting it pop free, he rubbed his cheek over my breast, the scratch of his beard raising goosebumps on my skin. “Sweet girl. Mine.” Turning his head, he gave my other nipple the same attention, only easing when I began to whine. Shifting his weight to one elbow, he moved up and took my mouth again before asking, “Want me to ruin you, too?”

“Too late.” I rocked my hips against his, bringing one leg up to curl around his waist, wanting him almost to the point of mindlessness. “Already did.”

“Goddamnit.” He pushed up to a kneeling position, tugging his shirt over his head and sending it flying before stripping my dress and his jeans with the same hurried, desperate efficiency. Pulling my legs up and hooking my knees over his hips, he slid one hand underneath my ass, gripping his cock with the other. Between one breath and the next he snapped his hips forward, driving the full length of his cock deep in my cunt, bringing our lower bodies snug against each other. Bracing one hand on the blanket next to my head, he clenched his jaw, grinding out, “Fuck. Fuck, darlin’.” Dropping his head to my shoulder, he took a series of deep, shuddering breaths before brushing his lips over my pulse. “Talk to me, sweet girl.”

In theory, an easy instruction. In practice, finding words was impossible since I’d lost not only the ability to speak but to think.

“Baby.” He kissed my temple and then my cheekbone, the side of my nose and my jaw, before finally giving me his mouth, not drawing back until my bones were as soft as warm wax and I was all but melting underneath him. Lowering his body until his full weight was on me, he nudged my chin with his nose before giving me another kiss. “Was wrong when I said you were beautiful like this.” He curled one hand around my hip, fitting me more tightly against him as he continued to dust kisses over my face and neck and shoulders—anywhere he could reach. “More’n beautiful. Otherworldly.” He sighed against my throat, his own taut muscles relaxing with each passing moment. “Are you real?”

“Are you?” Because it was impossible for me to believe in the nightmare of this world that someone like Joel could be real, could be here with me. I draped my arms over his shoulders, massaging the nape of his neck with one hand while tracing random circles on his back with the fingers of the other. The teeth-and-claw desperation which had brought us to the floor had dissipated, leaving a desire as mellow and rich as aged wine. Bringing my mouth to his, I whispered, “Stay.”

“Until the end.” Reaching up, he took one of my hands and drew it down to the pillow next to my head, lacing his fingers with mine. “Whenever it is. Wherever it is. Until the end.”

“Until the end.” My breath caught when he began to move, a slow, gentle roll of his hips, our bodies never separating. I pulled him closer, my lips trembling as I blinked back tears. “Joel.”

“I know, baby.” He kissed the corner of one eye and then the other, no doubt tasting the tears on my lashes. His breath whispered over my cheek as he sighed before dropping his chin to my shoulder. “Want you to cum for me, sweet girl. Want to feel you coming apart for me.” As if on cue, I instinctively tightened the walls of my cunt, bearing down on his cock, and we both groaned. “Yeah, like that, just like that.” He began to rock his hips faster, grinding his pubic bone against my clit with each forward movement. “Such a good girl for me.”

“Joel.” I half gasped, half whined out his name, one hand still clutching desperately at the sweaty curls sticking to the nape of his neck. “I need….”

“I know, darlin’.” Snaking his free hand between our bodies, he began rolling his thumb over my clit in slow, steady circles, cursing under his breath when I instantly grew wetter, warm fluid coating his cock before spilling out of me, drenching the blanket under us. “Goddamnit.” His pace faltered, stuttered for a moment before smoothing out, each thrust sharp and brutal. “Another. Give me another, sweet girl.”

I shook my head. “Can’t.”

“Liar.” As if to prove it, he scraped his nail over my clit before pinching the sensitive bundle of nerves. He brought his lips down on mine at the same time, swallowing my whimper, cursing into my mouth as I orgasmed again, squeezing my cunt even tighter around his cock. “Again.”

“You first.” I was almost dizzy with pleasure, the room spinning around me in slow circles. “Want to feel you.”

“No.” Somehow he wrenched himself free from me, sliding down my body, pressing wet, open mouthed kisses to my breasts and torso, wedging my legs open with his shoulders as he slicked his tongue over my scar and then further down, dragging his teeth over my hipbone. Settling between my thighs, he exhaled, worrying at my clit again with his thumbnail, pinning me to the floor when I tried to arch my hips, his grip fierce enough to bruise. “So fucking pretty, darlin’. So fucking pretty. Could stare at you all day.” He switched to massaging my clit with firm strokes, sliding two fingers into my cunt, groaning when more wetness spilled over and around his fingers. “Yes, baby, just like that. Give me more.”

“Joel.” I moaned his name, digging my nails into the back of his hand still clasped with mine. “Please.”

“Please what, sweet girl?” He worked a third finger inside me, curling them until he was able to rub his calloused fingertips over the soft, spongy spot with exquisite precision. “Tell me what you want.” He pressed a gentle, almost chaste, kiss directly above my clit. “Tell Daddy what you want and I’ll give it to you.”

“Oh, God.” I squirmed against his hand, riding his fingers shamelessly, tears streaking down my cheeks, both my body and mind overstimulated to the point of pain. Something about the honorific, the natural way it rolled off his tongue, brought the hunger and the desperation roaring back to the surface, nearly drowning me with its intensity. “Joel… Daddy…want your cock, please, please, please—.”

“Such a good girl.” He pulled his fingers from my cunt, shushing me when I let out a long, broken, high-pitched whimper. Sliding up my torso, he drove his cock deep inside me, the head bumping against my cervix and pulling another whimper from me. He brushed tangled strands of hair away from my sweaty forehead before kissing my temple. “Daddy’s got you, sweet girl. Gonna take care of you.”

“Kiss me.” I threaded my fingers through his hair and pulled him to me, catching his mouth with mine, sliding my tongue over his lower lip before slipping it into his mouth, spinning out the moment until we were both breathless. Even then, when I pulled back for air, he followed me, giving me no time to catch my breath. Pulling back again, I gasped out, “Please.”

“Spend the rest of my life listenin’ to you beg.” He began to move again, slow and steady and deep, the head of his cock nudging my cervix with each thrust, the minute pain exquisitely beautiful. “Cum for me again, baby, squeeze my cock with that pretty cunt of yours and Daddy’ll give you his cum.” He groaned when I hitched my legs higher, crossing my ankles and resting them against his back, pulling him tighter. “Knew that’s what ya wanted, darlin’. Be a good girl and cum for me, cum for me now, cum—.”

The orgasm ripped through me, left me speechless and breathless and mindless, my vision blurring and going dark at the edges. Joel slowed for a heartbeat, maybe two, before simply hammering into me, no skill, no finesse, just desperate need. I was still riding the waves of my release when he slammed his hips against me one final time, emptying himself into me with a low, throaty moan before going completely limp and collapsing on top of me.

After long, long minutes, Joel roused himself enough to roll away from me, both of us groaning when his cock slipped free. Untangling his fingers from mine, he cupped my cheek, stroking his thumb over my lower lip. “Hey.”

“Hey.” I was still floating, drifting along on a river of endorphins, but I managed to smile at him. “Best picnic ever.”

“Hmm.” He tilted my chin up until I met his gaze, his lips curving in an indulgent smile. “Think you can give me a number?”

“Six. Maybe seven.” Over the years we’d developed a scale, a way to indicate how deep I’d slipped into subspace, how intense the endorphin drop would be, how much aftercare we’d both need. I gave a half-hearted stretch, sighing at the pleasant ache. “‘Daddy’? That was new.”

“Yeah.” He pressed his thumb to the center of my lip, not enough to hurt, simply to ensure I knew he was there. “Surprised myself a little there. You?”

“Like I said, new. Different.” I shrugged lazily. “Didn’t say I didn’t like it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He sighed, pressing his forehead to my shoulder. “I’d say I’d buy you another dress but….”

“Uh-uh.” I rolled to face him, pillowing my head on my arm. “I was up there, stressing because I didn’t have any makeup, didn’t have a curling iron, worrying the dress didn’t fit right—I wanted to look pretty.”

“Sweet girl.” He leaned in and kissed the tip of my nose. “Don’t know what I’m gonna do with you.”

“Keep me.”

“Think that’d be a good idea.” He stroked his hand down my back, trailing his fingers over my vertebrae. “Probably leave the day after tomorrow, unless the weather’s still bad or you need more time with Frank.”

“No.” I laid my hand on his cheek, spreading my fingers wide. “There’s nothing more I can do for him.”

“That bad?” When I didn’t answer, Joel sighed. “That bad.”

“It’s one of the most frustrating parts of medicine, knowing there are some things we can’t cure, no matter how hard we try.” I traced the bridge of his nose with one finger, then the curve of his eyebrow, lingering over the tiny scar. “Not just terminal illnesses but things which seem as if they should be easy to cure—fever blisters, warts, even something like chicken pox, once it’s in your system it’s always there, even if there are no obvious symptoms.” I dragged my nail around his ear, unable to stop touching him. “One of the hardest things to treat is toenail fungus. It can take months, over a year, even, of daily treatments to see results, depending on the severity of the infection.”

“And people still talk about a cure for… well, whatever the hell you want to call those things.” He snorted. “Or a vaccine.”

“Idiots.” It was my turn to snort, the sound dissolving into a giggle when Joel danced his fingers over my ribs. “Stop that. You can’t vaccinate against a fungus.” I tried to squirm away only to have him pull me closer. “There were no fungal vaccines before the outbreak and since medicine and scientific research pretty much ceased making any advancements or innovations at the same time I’m pretty confident in saying there are no fungal vaccines available now.”

 “Maybe some mad scientist has been working on it in a secret underground lab somewhere.”

“Joel.” I fixed a bland stare on him. “It took close to twenty years to develop a vaccine for polio. The vaccine for influenza, which requires adjustments and tweaks every year and doesn’t even prevent the flu so much as make the symptoms more tolerable, took nearly as long. It took centuries to develop a vaccine for smallpox. And those were vaccines which had backing from governments, sometimes multiple governments, and very healthy funding. And even once a vaccine is developed, it has to go through multiple testing stages, animal and human, before it can be distributed to the general population.” I waited a beat and then lifted my brows. “Now, do you really think a single person working with no funds, outdated equipment, and outdated knowledge is going to be able to accomplish something on that scale?”

“Think you made your point, darlin’.”  He poked my ribs with a single finger. “Really get on your high horse about that topic, don’t you?”

“Look, I want a preventative or a cure as much as the next person. I want to be able to take walks in the woods or through a field and not worry about being attacked by infected. If I had children, I’d want them to be able to grow up in a world where this was one era in the history of humanity and not the new normal.” I rolled to my back, tucking my arm under my head and frowning at the ceiling. “But I know that’s not possible. Letting people believe it is, that if they just suffer a bit more, if they commit a few more acts of barbarism, that things will change for the better is cruel.”

“Like I said, gets you up on your high horse.” The room was silent for long minutes before Joel cleared his throat. “You ever think about kids?”

I turned my head to look at him, studying the careful neutral expression of his face. “Do you?”

“Now and then.” He reached over and tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “Sarah’d be a little over thirty. Maybe she’d be married, have kids of her own.” He chuckled softly. “Or maybe she’d have gone to some sort of fancy school and be getting started in a career. Girl had a brain on her that made my head spin.” He tapped a finger in the center of my forehead. “Kinda like yours.”

“Maybe she would have gone to school a little further north. Johns Hopkins for medicine, Georgetown for law.” I wrapped my fingers around his wrist and drew his hand down so I could press a kiss to his palm. “Or maybe you would have come to the D.C. area on vacation and we’d have ran into each other in a museum.” I smiled. “Gone for coffee.”

“Not much of a museum guy but Sarah would have dragged me to a dozen of’em.” He cradled my cheek in his palm. “Maybe y’all would’ve come down to Austin, caught a music festival. Run into you in the crowd and convince you to have a dance or two with me.”

“You would have regretted that—Daniel always told me I had two left feet.” I laughed when he winced. “He wasn’t much better but his mother did make him take dance lessons for his bar mitzvah.” My smile faded and with it, Joel’s. “I loved Daniel. When I… when he died, when my children died… I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say part of me died, too.”

“I know.” He laced our fingers together, bringing our joined hands up and brushing his lips over my knuckles. “I understand.”

“If I could somehow turn back time or change history, make it so the outbreak never happened, I would do it without hesitation.” I shifted closer, resting our joined hands on his cheek. “And I know, whether it was in D.C. or Austin, a museum or a festival or just walking down the street, I would have found you.”

“And if you didn’t….” He trailed off, swallowing hard and clearing his throat before continuing. “If you didn’t, I would have found you.”

We left Lincoln a few days later, making a detour in Cambridge at my request so I could scour the Harvard libraries for medical textbooks. Even if they were out of date, they were still useful, especially if I wanted to start training a nursing assistant. The labs and pharmacy were as picked over as I expected but there were a few little gems, including some muscle relaxers I would be able to send to Frank.

Life, our life, in the QZ fell back into its normal patterns, with Joel and Tess making supply runs while I ran the clinic. Over the next year or so, Joel gradually moved from the apartment next door into mine, only spending the night with Tess on rare occasions. It wasn’t something we discussed, simply something which happened, and if Tess resented the change she never discussed it with me.

At the same time, messages from Tommy grew fewer and further between, eventually dwindling to once a month. He’d left the Fireflies, never specifying why, and joined another small group, making their way through the upper Midwest. I kept my worries to myself, knowing Joel was easily twice as worried, if not more so. It showed in the extra shifts he picked up, the shortness of his temper, the way he clung to me in the middle of the night when he thought I was asleep.

I knew before he did that we were leaving to go find Tommy. I pushed the nursing assistant harder, rushing him through training and starting a second assistant at the same time. Even if I wasn’t in the QZ, people still deserved good medical care and people they could trust. I worked with Frankie to set up an independent supply chain for the clinic and to stock us for our trip west, wherever we were going. I hoarded light, non-perishable food items, unpacking and repacking things into the smallest package possible.

Joel came back to the apartment one night an hour or so before I closed the clinic, trudging through the front door as if there were twenty pound weights attached to each foot. I watched him move around the apartment out of the corner of my eye, opening and closing cabinets, wandering aimlessly. When the last patient left, I sent both assistants home as well, locking the door behind them before joining Joel at the kitchen table.

He passed me the glass of whiskey he’d been nursing, waiting until I took the first sip before speaking. “Still no word from Tommy. Never taken him this long to get a message back before.”

I nodded, waiting.

“Talked to Tess.” He pulled the glass back, staring at the amber liquid. “She’s got a lead on a car battery. And I’m pulling strings to get an old FEDRA vehicle.” He looked up at me, his face as somber as the day he’d sat at Frankie’s bar and asked me for water. “I gotta go find him, Kay.”

“I know.” I took the glass back and finished it off. “When are we leaving?” He sat back, scrubbing one hand over his face, and started to open his mouth, no doubt to protest, only to snap it shut when I shook my head. “Until the end, Joel. Whenever it is, wherever it is.”

“I know but….” He trailed off, reaching across the table and taking my hand, rubbing his thumb over my knuckles before sighing, looking up at me with a soft smile. “Until the end. Whenever it is, wherever it is.” Bringing our hands up, he kissed my knuckles. “A week. No more than that.”

I nodded. “Okay. I’ll be ready.”

And a week later, I was finishing notes in a patient file when the apartment door flew open and Joel shoved a rumpled and very pissed-off teenager inside. He stared at her for a moment before glancing at me, his features inscrutable. “Kay. Sorry about the door. She’s coming with us.”

I blinked. “Okay.”

“Can you take a minute and look her over? Hit her head earlier.”

She whirled around, scowling at him. “Because you threw me into a wall, you asshole!”

“Hmm.” Biting the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling, I closed the file and set it aside, nodding at the chair across from me. “Take a seat. I’ll see if you’re concussed or just cranky.”

“Things have gone a little… sideways with the battery.” Joel flicked a look at the teenager, who was still glaring at him as if she would be more than happy to put a knife through him. “As of now, we’ve got another option but Tess is checking a few things. If everything is good, we’ll leave tonight.”

“Okay.” I continued smiling at the girl. “Sit or you don’t get a lollipop when I’m finished.”

She snorted. “Do you even have lollipops?”

“Well, you’re not gonna find out if you don’t sit down and let me do a quick exam.” I shifted my gaze to Joel, taking note of the shadows under his eyes. “Go grab a nap. We’ll be fine.”

Crossing the room, he flopped down on the sofa, draping one arm over his head and closing his eyes. Not even two minutes later, his breathing had evened out and I knew he was asleep. Turning back to the girl, I found her staring at me as if I’d just performed a magic trick or a miracle. Tucking my tongue in my cheek, I took a moment to compose myself before asking, “So what exactly did you do which made Joel through you into a wall?”

“I tried to stab him. How did you do that?”

“Do what?” I pointed at the chair next to me, waiting for her to sit before continuing. “And why did you try to stab him?”

“He surprised me.” She winced as I probed the back of her head, scowling again. “You told him to take a nap and he just… did.”

“Remind me not to surprise you. Follow my finger with your eyes.” I also took the opportunity to examine her pupils, satisfied to find them neither dilated or blown. “And I didn’t tell him to take a nap, I suggested it. It simply happened to be a suggestion which was beneficial for him.” Sitting down, I tilted the chair back on two legs until I was able to open one of the kitchen drawers, snagging a lollipop before letting the chair drop back to the floor. Tossing it to her, I said, “You’re not concussed. Got a little bump on the back of your head, may feel a little tender, but otherwise you’re good.”

“Great.” She stared at the plastic wrapped sweet for a moment before looking at me. “Really?”

“I’m a big believer in keeping my promises.” We studied each other for a few minutes, Joel’s delicate snoring echoing through the room. Finally, I said, “You can call me Doc. Pretty much everybody does.”

“He called you ‘Kay.’”

“Yes, he did.” I lifted my brows. “Like I said, you can call me Doc. Pretty much everybody does.” After a beat, I said, “This is the part of the introduction where you tell me your name.”

Crossing her arms, she kicked the table leg. “Why does he get to call you Kay?”

“Because he’s not everybody else.” I glanced over at him again, satisfied he was actually sleeping. “What’s your name?”

She let out a massive sigh and even without looking at her I knew she was rolling her eyes. “Ellie. My name is Ellie.”

[felikatze]

What are your top 3 Roy facts

hm. okay. i was actually talking about roy with someone just now so he's fresh on my mind

Roy is a fucking twig. He's skinny as hell. He has a constitution stat of 6, which is like, the lowest of any dude. The only people with less con are all girls. This is bcuz most of the game revolves around launching him at the goal post, so any unit should be able to pick him up like a couple of grapes

because of retcon prequel shenanigans, Roy is, very likely, one quarter dragon. And a whole chunk of plot revolves around "hey where did the dragons go" roy. roy. they're right here.

This

Roy: You see, I'm a bit frustrated with someone in the army. I understand where he's coming from, but... Wolt: You understand his logic, but your feelings don't agree. Is that it? Roy: Yes, exactly. My feelings don't align with what I know to be true. And when I start feeling frustrated, I feel like telling him. Wolt: Then do so! It is bad for your health to keep your feelings bottled up. Besides, we all know you are in a stressful position. I'm sure he will understand if you feel the need to vent. Roy: Do you think so? Wolt: Of course! If you want, I can go talk to that person. I will always support you, so don't hesitate to ask anything of me. Roy: Thanks, Wolt. I feel better now. But enough chatter! We have to get moving! Wolt: Yes, Lord Roy! ...By the way, tell me who it is you're frustrated with. I will sit him down and have a frank discussion... Roy: No, it's all right now. Wolt: Really? ...Who was it? Roy: He's closer than you realize. Wolt: What! Where? ...... ...Was it...me? Roy: You got it! (Roy leaves.) Wolt: Lord Roy!

[depoteka]

Ooh, I can ask some questions if you're in the mood. I saw your post about wanting to have that on your blog. Anyway, here it is:

1. What movies make you cry each time you watch them?

2. Who is your favorite book heroine and why?

3. A celebrity crush you had as a teenager and what made them appealing to you?

4. Which is your favorite fashion era and why?

5. Is there something you wish you could do, but never had the chance yet?

that's a lot of questions this is so lovely!! thank you!!!!!

to be frank i don't rewatch movies that often so i cannot really say!!! i've probably cried the hardest watching the bridges of madison county some years ago and i don't want to go through that again hhhh. i think when i decide to rewatch something it's always a movie that won't make me cry. my most rewatched movies are probably stand by me, bill & ted's excellent adventure and napoleon dynamite

going through my goodreads i realized that sooo many of my highest rated books have male protagonists, i need to change it. right now i'm reading myra breckinridge by gore vidal and i adore her. her obsession with gold age of hollywood and her personality are so captivating (and of course i've seen the movie so i just picture raquel welch in wonderful outfits while reading which makes the character even more iconic to me)

for some reason the first person that came to my mind was ewan mcgregor. i became obsessed with him after watching star wars prequels. and tbh what was appealing about him (other than his looks obviously which was a major factor) was the fact that he is goofy and not scared of playing in weird movies and just getting all naked in them from time to time. i lost interest when he started picking more mainstream movies and also when he left his wife aadfdf that was the last straw for me

ooof that's a hard one. probably 50s/60s/70s. i adore the patterns, the colours and the way clothes from this era fit on the body. when it comes to more historical things 19th century also had some gorgeous clothes but i'm not that knowledgeable on that, all i know is that early 19th century empire waist dresses are boring to me

not to be a sad loser on main but go on a date 🤧🤧 i refuse to use tinder so that's not happening anytime soon for me. but a girl can dream

[5-7-9]

keeping track of the timeline of my deep dive. WARNING!!! Triggers include a fuck ton of homophobic stereotypes

Starting with the writer that hated Jason so much (Jim Starlin) that he made him more unlikable in his run in 1987 after being forced to write Jason on Neil’s behalf, first establishing the idea of Jason being an aggressive brat with anti-poverty concepts of an addicted mother and an abusive father. According to Denny O’ Neil’s perspective of fans, it worked. It was also right after the time of Frank Miller’s darker edgy version of Batman gained popularity. Jason was a symbol of that child audience, which Starlin did not want.

Starlin takes inspiration of Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns from 1986, using the plotline where Joker murders Jason and putting it into his story Death In The Family from 1988. Very unoriginal. So let’s see why Miller made Joker kill Jason.

Frank FUCKING Miller says “-Joker isn’t insane so much as satanic.” And then has the NERVE to say if he’d have casted anyone to play Joker in the Dark Knight Returns movie, he’d let it be DAVID FUCKING BOWIE?!?!? In his words, because he believes DAVID BOWIE is capable of great menace?!?!??!??!! David Bowie? The queer icon that came out in 1972? Oh hmmmm I wonder why he’d think DAVID BOWIE is a menace.

I’d like to remind people that Miller has explicitly stated Joker as “a homophobic nightmare.” Very intentional queer-coding that he has admitted to. Here’s the warning part under here

There’s also a rumor that Miller wanted Joker to explicitly admit Joker raped Jason but DC pulled it out. But Miller still implied it throughout his comic.

Wow how mysterious Joker is also implied to sexually assault Selina. It can be argued it’s not, but I wouldn’t put it past Miller’s sexist ass of all people to say so.

Judd Winink also wished to have Jason die of aids.

After the popular revival of Jason Todd, we are now forced to have a homophobic plot point be forever immortalized in canon. Now it will never go away. The edgy Frank Miller era is a stain to the current state of comics. I’d like to add that The Killing Joke was already confirmed to be a one shot, and although it has a sexist element to it, that’s on par for most comics. If anything, the story only served to make a philosophical point, like it was meant to, and dipped.

I’d also like to mention that the theory of Jason being a CSA survivor is probably a reference to Joker or the HIV PSA but i don’t like how it can be argued for both at the same time. Hence why I don’t care for the theory. The theory can go fuck itself.

Not sure how much more proof i need to bring up to prove Joker killing Jason is homophobic. But that’s all for now.

[robynlilyblack]

What if you didn’t wear a dress?

Sirius Black x fem! reader

Prequel - My type

Part 2 out now - That’s my girl...actually that’s my wife

[Requested – see request here]

Summary: Y/n and Sirius are getting ready for Frank and Alice’s wedding, but y/n starts to feel uncomfortable about having to wear a dress

Warning: Mentions and implied sex, slight nudity nothing explicit, kissing, swearing, drinking and alcohol, reader feeling insecure, mean wedding guests, hurt/comfort

A/n: 3k words, no voldy AU so we can imagine Alice and Frank get married later since there no war, I really love this request as I was and still am a bit of a tomboy myself, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it x

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You left sick, each dress you tried on made you feel uncomfortable, every time you saw yourself in the mirror it felt wrong, you just didn’t look right. You unzipped the dress letting it fall to the floor before moving back to sit on the bed, burying your head in your hands as you resisted the urge to just burst out in tears. It was Frank and Alice’s’ wedding today and you were so excited for it but now you wanted nothing more than to just crawl back into bed.

Sirius was already dressed, currently watching some muggle movie on tv as you stared at the dresses scattered across the floor. At Hogwarts you hated wearing the skirts even opting to wear trousers in your final year because you grew sick of it, but it was friend’s wedding, you had to wear a dress, right? You sighed standing up walking out of the bedroom to see Sirius sitting on the couch, smiling at little as you seen him chuckle at the movie.

“Siri” you grab his attention

“Yeah love?” he stands up assuming you need help to zip up your dress or something, as he glances up at you he does double take realising you are just in your underwear

He walks up to you, eyes trailing up and down your body “Well hello darling” hands going to your bare waist as he smirks down at you

You can’t help but smile at his reaction, forgetting for a second why you came out of the room in the first place “Hi” you bite your lip “Can I ask you something?” you smile up at him

The words go in one ear and out the other for your boyfriend, his eyes attempting to stay fixed on your face instead of your half naked body “Can you ask me after?” he raises his eyebrow with a mischievous look on his face

“After what?” you smile confused, but soon understand exactly what he meant by ‘after’

“After this” he lifts you up and over his shoulder making you squeal as he carries you into the bedroom

“Siri!”

Sirius zips up his trousers before shuffling down to the front of the bed beginning to button up his shirt, smirking to himself as you move behind him wrapping your arms gently around his torso as you kiss his neck. He turns his head to give you a quick kiss before he finally looks around your shared bedroom, tilting his head at the mess

“Darling?” he asks as his eyes trail over the discarded dresses

“Yeah?” you smile leaning your head on his shoulder

“Why does it look like theirs been a mass dresside” he half chuckles at his own joke as he tilts his head back to look at you as you lift your head up from his should kneeling on the bed behind him

“Umm that’s actually what I wanted to ask you” you bite your lip nervously

“None of the dresses feel right?” he asks, knowing how much you hate wearing dresses and skirts

You nod your head pouting a bit “I just feel so uncomfortable in all of them, I don’t what I’m going to do Siri we need to leave for the ceremony soon” you bury your head in your hands starting to panic a bit about what you are going to wear

Sirius tilts his head, her heart aching for you as he moves your hands away from your face, wrapping his arms around you while he thinks of how he can help. Looking over the dresses he gets an idea, pulling away he tilts your head up to look at him

“What if you didn’t wear a dress?” he muses

“It’s a wedding I have to dress formal” you look at him bewildered

“That is true, you do have to dress formal but…” he kisses the top of your head “…a suit is formal as well” he raises an eyebrow smiling at you

He watches as you think for a moment before your eyes light up at the idea “You think…” you take a breath “You think that would be okay? Like wouldn’t be weird for me to wear one?” you look at him hopefully

“Yes, it would be okay and no, it would not be weird darling” he cups your cheek “In fact, I think it would be rather hot” you giggle as he winks at the end

You frown remembering you don’t have a blazer or suit that would be suitable “I don’t have a suit though not one I could wear to a wedding anyway”

“That’s aright” Sirius smiles “You are going to take your pretty little arse into my closet to pick any one of my suits that takes your fancy, and then we can transfigure it a bit so it fits you perfectly darling” he nuzzles his nose with yours making you beam at him

“Any of them?” you look at him beyond excited

“Any of them” he smirks

“Thank you, Siri” you jump forward into his chest hugging him tightly “I love you so much”

He wraps his arms around you “I love you more darling” he kisses the top of your head

As you pull away, standing up he stops you before you walk over to his closet, picking up a t shirt “Arms up” you do as he says letting him put the shirt on you “Sorry darling if you walked around in nothing but your underwear we would defiantly be late” he pecks your lips

Sirius squeezes your waist as you get to the venue, as soon as you put on the suit he hadn’t been able to keep his hands off of you, refusing to remove his arm from your waist as you both made your way to get seated by Lily, James and Remus

“Y/n” Lily’s mouth widens as you approach “You look amazing, if Marls was here she’d have a fit” she smiles at you as you giggle blushing a bit from the compliment

“We can take lots of photos to show her and Dorcas once they are back from travelling” James chirps in smiling as he says “You look great y/n, you too pads” Sirius gives him a nod as you smile

“Thanks, you both look stunning” you lean over to see Remus sitting smiling next to them “You look dapper too Rem”

Remus lets out a small laugh “Thanks y/n, you two looks like a power couple in those” he smirks looking you both up and down

“Hot power couple moony” Sirius corrects winking at his friend as you both take your seats, his arm moving from your waist to take your hand in his

As Sirius chats with your friends you have a look around, giving Frank a smile as he spots you to which he returns before scanning over the rest of the room. You could see some people who were in your year as well as some of the boys and girls who were jealous when Sirius and you started dating in your final year, even more so when they the realised you were still together years later. You started to feel very aware you were currently in a suit as they stared you down, seemingly judging you.

Sirius squeezes your hand bringing your attention back to him “I think it’s about to start” he whispers before noticing you look a bit nervous “You alright love?”

“Yeah I just spaced out a bit” you brush it off, squeezing his hand back as you all turn to watch the ceremony

You were currently getting a drink at the bar with Sirius, James and Lily had left already since they didn’t want to leave Harry for too long and Remus was off catching up with Peter who arrived a little late due to coming from overseas.

“Thanks” you smile at the bartender as they hand you both your drinks

“Sirius hi!” you both turn to see a man and women walk up to you, “Don’t you look dashing as ever” the women grins giving Sirius a small squeeze to his arm

“And who is this handsome fella” the man jokes looking at you, the women giggling next to him

You and Sirius chuckle at his ‘joke’ but deep down you start to feel self-conscious, looking over at the women who’s wearing a beautiful red dress with a deep v neckline. I wonder if Sirius would have preferred someone like that hanging off his arm, you think before putting on a fake smile as Sirius’ wraps his arm around your waist

“This is y/n, my girlfriend” he plants a kiss to your forehead “You remember her from school, right?”

“Oh yeah I remember you now” the women smile at you, scrunching up her nose a bit almost like she’s teasing you to which she then proceeds to actually do “You used to always wear those oversized jumpers and trousers, and get into trouble for it right?”

Your smiles falters which only makes hers and the man’s grow before you reply “Yeah well those were comfier than the regulated uniform” you fake a laugh while on the inside you felt sick

“My little trouble maker” Sirius gives your waist a little squeeze, little confused why the women thought that was relevant but continues to be civil with them.

After a few more subtle digs were thrown in your direction they headed off presumably to annoy some other poor person so you excused yourself to go to the bathroom while Sirius went over to talk with Remus, Peter and Frank. Entering the bathroom, you heard some chatter coming from one of the stalls, soon realising it was a couple of girls helping Alice pee in her wedding dress. You quietly slip into one of the other stalls putting the seat down and sitting on it, pulling your feet up to your chest hugging yourself as you lean your head back

You didn’t even need the loo you just wanted to get out of that room for a bit and breathe, so many people were staring at you, some smiling, others confused and some like that couple from earlier making snide comments. As you sighed in the stall you overhear the conversation taking place as the girls leave the stall just down from you

“Okay remind me not to drink anymore because I don’t want to have to do that again” you heard Alice sigh in relief “Thank you so much for helping me, I really should have brought in one of my bridesmaids or something” she giggles as she washes her hands

“No problem, anything for the bride” one of the girl’s chimes

“So, your wedding everything you imagined” the other asks

“Oh yes, everything has been so beautiful it really is the happiest day of my life” you smile as you can hear the joy in her voice and can just imagine the smile that is plastered on her face

Your smiles quickly drop as one of the girls speak up “Aww that’s so sweet, although are you not upset some girl came in a suit”

“You mean y/n?” Alice asks

“Yeah” the other girl speaks seemingly agreeing with her friend “It’s your wedding don’t you mind that she’s getting a bunch of attention”

“Not really, I got to marry the love of my life today that’s all that matters to me so as long as she is happy I’m happy for her to wear whatever she wants ” the edges of your lips turn up a bit, I wish there were more people like Alice in the world, “Anyway I better get back, I think we are going to cut the cake soon” Alice says quickly making her exit, walking out of the bathroom and leaving the to girls to gossip

“She’s too kind for her own good, if this was my wedding there is no way in hell I would let someone walk about like that” one of them huffs

“I can’t believe Sirius is still with her” the other says before you hear her popping her lips after touching up her lip gloss “What does he even see in her?”

“I know right, he was the hottest guy in school, and still is so attractive he deserves someone like us not some tomboy” you can hear the venom in her voice

“He’ll come to his senses eventually especially after tonight. She’s such an attention whore wearing that, like what kind of statement was she trying to make” you hold yourself a little tighter not caring if you wriggle your suit as you hear them giggles as they leave

After a few minutes you stand up exiting the stall, walking over to the mirror by the row of sinks. Your eyes trace your figure as you fix yourself, smoothing out your trousers and jacket, sighing as you finish. All of the words the girls said replaying in your mind over and over again no matter how hard to try to push them away. Taking a deep breath, you leave the bathroom putting on a fake smile as you return to the party

“That was a great night, good food, good company, free booze” Sirius wraps his arm around you as you enter the flat, slightly tipsy from one too many free drinks

“Yeah the ceremony was beautiful too, they looked so happy” you smile a little as you lean into him, but it slowly morphs into a frown as you reach the bedroom

“It did give me some ideas for the future” he leans down, reaching to tilt your head up for a kiss but he stops seeing how upset you look, quickly sobering himself up “Darling what’s wrong” he leads you to sit on the bed with him “If you don’t want to marry me you can just say” he tries to get you to laugh, smiling a bit as he sees the smallest smile peak out as you begin tearing up

“Siri…” you try to start but all of the emotions you were holding in today just hit you all at once, the tears beginning to flow down your cheeks “I’m sorry” you apologise trying to wipe the tears away

“Why are you saying sorry you haven’t done anything wrong my love” he lets out a breathy laugh as he moves to wipe the tears with the pad of his thumb, shifting closer to you “Come here” he opens up his arms letting you crawl into them, settling yourself on his lap as you burying your head into his neck

After a few moments you pull back to look at him “What’s wrong?” he asks while pushing some hair out of your face

“I feel a bit silly” you lean into his hand as he cups your cheek

“Why do you feel silly”

“I felt silly wearing a suit when everyone else was wearing gorgeous dresses” you sniff a bit “there were these girls in the bathroom saying things and then with the couple coming up and teasing me I started to feel a bit self-conscious” you confess

“Darling you looked beautiful you have nothing to worry about” you lean up to kiss your nose making a little smile appear on your face but it quickly fades

“Wouldn’t you rather a girl in a dress than me in my suit though, I do look a bit like a boy, I always have with the way I dress” you look down as you fiddle with your hands

“Stand up” you do as he says, climbing back off of his lap and letting him lead you to the mirror as he positions you in front of it “Look at yourself, you look wonderful” he kisses the side of your head “There isn’t one thing I would change about you, I love that you wear whatever makes you comfortable, I wouldn’t have you any other way. I love you just as you are, nothings ever going to change that” you nod slowly “Now tell me how pretty you look in my suit” he gives you a pointed look in the mirror

“I look beautiful in your suit” you say quietly

“Didn’t hear you love” he smirks shaking his head

“I look beautiful in your suit” you repeat louder giggling a little at the end

“Good girl” he wraps his arms around your waist “You remember in our final year when one of the professors gave you a detention for wearing trousers and the next day me and the boys wore skirts in protest?”

“Yeah I remember that” you giggle

“Do you also remember what you told me later that night” he leans down so you can feel his breath on your neck

You blush as you recall that night “I said you looked very nice in it” you swallow

“I believe the words were more along the lines of you wanted me to wear it while we…Ouch love” you elbow him making him laugh as he rubs the place you hit him “My point is, I feel the same way you felt about you in this suit as you did with me when I wore that skirt, and someday I can’t wait to marry you while you’re wearing one”

“Really?” you turn around to look at him, heart bursting

“Yes” he smiles down at you running his fingers up and down your sides

“I love you Siri” you smile up at him “I’m the luckiest girl in the world” you shake your head eyes filled with nothing but love for the man in front of you

“No I think you’ll find I’m the luckiest guy” he plants a kiss to your head before whispering” I love you too darling” as he leans down giving you a sweet kiss to the lips before pulling back with cheeky look “Now, as much as I love you my suit I think it’s time we take it off don’t you think?”

[tenisperfection]

A 5x17 Bobby and Eddie spec drabble roughly inspired by Bartlet and Josh in TWW 2x02. Can be read standalone or as a loosely linked prequel to the Buck and Eddie glass doors drabble. (also on ao3).

Summary: Eddie gets an unexpected visitor at LAX en route to El Paso.

Eddie is not afraid of flying, but he still wishes he isn’t going to LAX to catch a ride to El Paso.

"It's a nice drive," Buck remarks as Eddie packs. He isn't staying long, but he’s taking his softest sweatshirts like they’d be his strongest armor. 

Frank once asked him how he felt about needing to hide while in a place that should’ve been safe, should’ve been home. Eddie still doesn’t have an answer.

Eddie hums. "I figured a flight would get me there and back home the fastest. Plus I'm not really in the mood for a solo road trip right now."

His watch reads 6:09, the ridiculously early hour contrasted by the bustle around him, punctuated by suitcases of all sizes and shapes. Eddie drains the last of his coffee as he stares at a Departures screen for his gate. Eddie’s eyes have just slid past Durham when his phone buzzes, drawing his already limited attention away.

(6:11 am) Buck: Found your giraffe socks. They got mixed up in Christopher’s pile.

(6:11 am) Buck: Did you make it LAX yet?

(6:18 am) Eddie: Just made it, about to head towards security.

(6:19 am) Eddie: Keep my giraffe socks safe.

Buck sends him back a picture of his feet, the bright blue, giraffe-patterned socks Christopher had gotten Eddie adorning his feet.

(6:20 am) Buck: I will. :)

Eddie’s response is cut off by the pause of footsteps next to him. He almost drops his phone when he looks over.

“Hey Eddie,” Bobby smiles. 

“Cap,” Eddie blinks. “Bobby—what are you doing here? Do you have a flight too?”

Bobby smiles deeper. “No, where would I go? I came to see you.” 

“You came to see me,” Eddie repeats. “You came to LAX to see me.”

Bobby blinks as he gestures Eddie towards a bench behind them. Eddie follows him and drops onto the bench, feeling like he’s lost all feeling in his body.

“Wait, is something wrong?” Eddie asks as his heart drops. He clutches the handle of his suitcase so tightly that his knuckles bleach white. “Is it—”

Bobby cuts Eddie off before he can start listing names. “Eddie, everyone’s fine. Everyone’s probably asleep, given that we don’t work today. I really just came to talk, see if you wanted some company.”

“Some company?” Eddie asks incredulously. “At the airport? Bobby, don’t tell me you bought a flight.”

“No, but I came to ask if you want me to,” Bobby says quietly, eyes steady on Eddie.

“Why?” Eddie asks quietly. 

“Because I’ve seen your parents,” Bobby says. “And because I’ve heard about them.”

Eddie swallows. “So you think I can’t do this?” 

Bobby holds a hand up. “Sorry, I wasn’t done. I’m not asking to come with you to talk to your dad, Eddie, that’s your job. That’s something you need to do. But if you need a friendly face, I can get a hotel room, explore the cuisine around.”

Eddie doesn’t know what he’s feeling, can’t put a name to the heaviness in his chest except that he wants it to linger a little. He wants to hold on for as long as he can.

“Why?” Eddie asks quietly again.

“Because when you came back for me and pulled me out of the fire last week, it got me thinking,” Bobby says. “I thought about the time you got shot.”

There is a minute tremor in Eddie’s hands that he’s mostly sure Bobby can’t see. No one but Buck and Frank know about it; Frank because Eddie told him when they spoke about the shooting, and Buck because he noticed.

“I just remembered how everyone was there,” Bobby continues. “I mean, Buck basically moved in and your Abuela and Pepa were there and so was everyone else. Everyone except your parents.”

Eddie glances down at his feet. He feels like they’re in their own world inside one of the busiest spaces in the world. 

“So I thought, there must be good reason for that, and if you want, if you want, I could be there around the corner to help when you’re over there.”

“You’re helping now,” Eddie responds, “Bobby, I said some very horrible things and you just accepted my apology and came in to cook for me and take care of me. You’re helping now.”

“We all say things we don’t mean sometimes,” Bobby says with a small smile. “And besides, you didn’t say anything that wasn’t—”

“No, Bobby,” Eddie interjects almost forcefully. “No, I didn’t mean that and it is not true. Look at all these people you saved. Look at May. Look at me and Buck and Chim and Hen. The 118, we exist because of you.”

For the first time since he fell into step next to Eddie, Bobby averts eye contact with him. Eddie wonders if Bobby came here chasing his own demons too, if he’s looking for absolution in some way not unlike the reason Eddie is returning to El Paso for.

“You believe that even after everything?” Bobby asks quietly. “It doesn’t look like the 118 that I remember.”

“Well, if you want to give me my job back, you’ll get closer to that,” Eddie says teasingly.

Bobby smiles. “I’ve already spoken to the chief about reinstating you on active duty when you’re back, provided you keep seeing Frank. Another reason I had to chase you down here.”

Eddie feels weirdly like he’s in a plane that just lifted off from solid ground. “Bobby,” Eddie starts, but his mind is suddenly out of words. “Thank you,” he says, feeling woefully inadequate. Clearing his throat, he adds, “The Frank thing won’t be a problem, I think I still have a lot to talk about.”

“Good,” Bobby says, “So I’m guessing that’s a no on me giving you company on the plane.”

Eddie laughs. “How about you finish recovering from your near-death experience and give me company through the phone? I can use a friendly voice.”

“You got it,” Bobby says, getting to his feet. Eddie follows. Bobby folds him into a hug, patting him on the back as they part. 

“I need to go now if I want to make this flight,” Eddie says as Bobby pushes the maroon suitcase towards Eddie.

Bobby nods. “Safe travels. Text me if you need anything.”

Eddie smiles back and turns around, silently thankful for the early hour and the somewhat manageable line at security. He’s taken a couple of steps when he turns back.

Bobby is still standing there, looking out for Eddie.

“Hey Bobby,” Eddie calls out, walking towards him again.

“Yeah,” Bobby responds. 

“You were there too,” Eddie says. “When I got shot. You were there every day too, sending me food even when you were recovering, helping me with physical therapy once you did. You didn’t mention yourself, but I haven’t forgotten.“

Bobby nods, the crinkles in the corners of his eyes deepening, and Eddie thinks that they’re finally mending things. “Go catch your flight,” Bobby tells him. “We’ll be here when you get back.”

Eddie waves and turns around again, and the load in his chest, if not completely gone, feels lighter, like Eddie’s just realized how many support beams are holding it up, sharing the weight with him.

Eddie texts Buck a giraffe emoji as he joins the line at security, and for the first time since he’s conceived this trip, he doesn’t think about turning back.

[a-reader-and-a-writer]

Patiently in Love

Fandom: Marvel, Frank Castle, The Punisher

Word Count: 2244

TW: Angst then fluff, Mentions of dead bodies, Grief, Language

Note: Thanks to @foli-main for the prompt request "i told you i’d come home to you." for Frank. I ended up making it a prequel to my fic Deliriously in Love (Part 1). And thank you to @loverhymeswith for beta reading for me!

Part 1 of the "In Love" series

“Frank… Come on. Where are you?” You checked your phone for what seemed like the thousandth time, trying not to let the tears stinging your eyes slip down your face.

It had been two days since you had last seen him. Two days since he kissed you and left for his current late-night excursion. Two days since you turned on the news to see that the warehouse he had been planning on breaking into had exploded, leaving no survivors.

But you refused to believe Frank was gone. He was better than that. He was The Punisher. Besides, he had promised he would come home to you. And in the eight months you had been dating, Frank had never broken a promise before. So, you called anyone and everyone you could think of that he might have turned to if he was hurt. You had even bit the bullet and called Matt, though you knew Frank would kill you if he found out. But nobody had heard from him. So now there was nothing you could do but wait.

As you paced back and forth, glancing at your phone in vain yet again, something on the television caught your eye. The news was reporting that three unidentified bodies had been recovered from the remains of the warehouse and were being transferred to the lab so their identities may be uncovered. It was the first real update you had seen since the initial report days ago. And luckily, Frank had a contact who worked in the medical examiner’s office who you were friendly with. You dialed his number before the news broadcast had even switched topics.

On the third ring, he finally picked up. “What? I told you two, ya need ta stop callin’ me while I’m at work.”

But you just ignored his complaint. “Brody, listen to me. Is your office the one they brought the bodies from the warehouse explosion to?”

“Yeah, why- Was this Castle? God, I shoulda known. Well, whatever he did, he don’t have ta worry about evidence. These fuckers are too badly burnt ta have any evidence still on ‘em. He got lucky this time.”

“No, Brody, I-” You took a long stuttering breath as you tried to maintain your composure. “There’s a chance….. It’s possible…. One of those guys….” You fell silent, unable to actually say the words.

But luckily, Brody understood. “Oh, fuck. Hey, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize…. Are ya sure?”

“No. That’s why I called. I need you to look and see if any of them match his….. Please, Brody, I need to know.”

“Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. You’ll have ta give me a minute while I get my boss out of the examination room. I’m gonna just put down the phone while I check, and I’ll be right back. ‘K?”

You can hear the worried edge in his tone now, but you tried to ignore it. “Okay. Just… please hurry.”

The line went quiet. You could still hear small, distant shuffling and what was possibly two people having a conversation, but it was all too muffled to make anything out. You settled into one of the chairs at the kitchen counter as you waited… and waited… and waited…

After what seemed like hours but was in reality probably more like ten minutes, you heard the noises on the other end of the line intensify before Brody’s voice said, “Hey. I was able to check ‘em.”

His tone was more serious than you had ever heard before. Usually, even facing the most gruesome of bodies, Brody always had a joke or sarcastic comment to make. But now, there wasn’t even the slightest trace of humor in his voice. And that scared you more than the waiting had. “Well…. Is he…?”

Brody sighed heavily. “I honestly don’t know. There’s no way he’s one a the first two guys. Build is all wrong. But the third one…. I’m not sayin’ it’s him, but it could be. The body’s too badly burnt ta tell. I’m so sorry.”

You slammed your hand over your mouth to keep from wailing into the phone. You had needed Brody to come back and assure you that there was no way any of those bodies could have been Frank. But the confirmation that Frank might be laying in the morgue right now? That you never got to tell him…

A thought suddenly crossed your mind. Speaking frantically into the phone, you pleaded, “Did the bodies have any personal effects?”

“Yeah, a few things.” Brody replied. “Ya know, keys, cash, bullets, the kinda things ya’d expect.”

“What about a man’s gold wedding ring? Not on his finger but in his jacket pocket?” You asked desperately.

“Why? Did ya two get married and not tell me or somethin’?”

“No. It's from when he was married before. Frank never goes anywhere without it. He puts it on the nightstand when we go to bed and slips it in his pocket the second he gets up. If there’s no ring, it isn’t him. I’d bet my life on it.”

“Let me double check the file and see what it says.” As he searched, you held your breath, knowing that either the presence or lack of a ring would solidify the man’s identity in your mind.

After a few agonizing moments, Brody returned to the phone. “Nope. No ring was found on any of ‘em. Just a few watches and a gold chain.”

You sagged back into your chair as you let out a huge sigh of relief. “Thank God. It’s not him. He’s still out there somewhere.”

Brody inhaled slowly before giving his next reply. “Listen, hun, the cops didn’t find any evidence anyone made it out of the building. And they think there’s a good chance a few people might a just disintegrated in the blast. Or were blown up so much they won’t ever be able to be ID'd. If Castle was there…”

“He got out. I know he did. He promised me, and Frank doesn’t break his promises. He made it out and he’ll come home,” you said firmly.

Brody scoffed lightly. “I know ya believe in the guy but that don’t make him invincible. Ya should know that better than anyone. Just…. don’t get your hopes up. Maybe you’re right and he’ll be home soon. I hope ta God he is. But if not… ya got ta prepare yourself for that. Okay?” You muttered a soft acknowledgment and he continued. “Now, I got ta get back ta work. But ya call me if ya hear anythin’ one way or another, got it?”

“I got it. Thank you, Brody. I really appreciate your help. If you hear anything else, can you let me know?”

“As soon as I know, you’ll know.” And with that final promise, he hung up.

You placed your phone on the counter and stared at the picture of you and Frank on the screen. You had taken it a few weeks ago as you both had settled into bed for the night. You were smiling widely as Frank placed a goodnight kiss on your forehead. You remembered that the moment you had first looked at the photo was the moment you had realized that you were in love with Frank Castle. But you had been too scared to tell him. And now, all you had left was the hope he would walk back through the front door and you could finally tell him how you truly felt.

After three more agonizing days of waiting, that hope had just about been extinguished. There was still no word from Frank, and Brody had called earlier to tell you there was footage of someone matching his description entering the warehouse before the explosion but not of him leaving. And then he solemnly reminded you that there was a good chance they would never recover all the bodies that had been involved in the blast.

So, that night as you glanced at your phone one last time just as the last ounce of battery life drained away and your faces on the screen went black, you realized it was time to face the facts. Frank was gone and you were alone.

You managed to make it into the shower before you completely fell apart. You leaned heavily against the cool tile wall as the spray from above mixed with the tears streaming down your face. Ever so slowly, you slid down and curled up at the bottom of the tub where you continued to lay long after the warm water had run out.

However, eventually, your shivering and teeth chattering became too great and you reluctantly crawled out of the shower. Drying off as quickly as you could, you stumbled into your bedroom to grab your pajamas. However, as you passed in front of the closet, you changed your mind. Instead, you grabbed one of Frank’s long-sleeved shirts and hoodies to wear instead.

Once you were dressed, you crawled into the huge, empty bed and curled up on Frank’s side. You grabbed his pillow and clutched it tightly against your chest. After five nights of clinging to it, it had begun to lose most of his scent, instead smelling more like you by this point. Yet, if you buried your face into it just right, you could still get a whiff of Frank’s musky aftershave, and the faint coppery smell of blood that always seemed to cling to him. And soon, you drifted off to sleep with thoughts of the man you loved floating through your head.

A few hours later, something drew you from your dreams back to the waking world. Laying on your side facing the window as you opened your eyes, you didn’t notice anything amiss in the darkened room. Sighing as you let your eyes drift shut once more, you shifted slightly and draped your arm across your stomach. But your eyes shot open as your arm collided with something curled around your middle. Rolling over slowly in bed, your heart skipped in your chest as you saw Frank’s big, brown eyes staring back at you, his arm around your waist as he lay on your side of the bed.

“Hey…” The word was more of a breath than a whisper, but Frank smiled at you in the darkness.

“Hey, sweetheart.” His gruff, raspy voice was one of the most wonderful sounds you had ever heard.

You choked back your tears as you said, “I missed you.”

“I missed you too. I’m sorry I couldn’t come back earlier but I had to make sure no one was following me. Those guys weren’t too happy about what I did to their men or their warehouse.”

“I saw. I got scared for a while that you might not have gotten out of this one.” You let out a soft chuckle. “I even had Brody check the men in the morgue just to make sure.”

Frank cupped your face in his large palm, running his thumb tenderly over your cheek. “Ah, I’m so sorry, sweetheart. But, I told you I’d come home to you, and I meant it. Nothing could keep me away from you for too long.”

You nuzzled into his hand as you said, “I know. I’m sorry I doubted you.” You suddenly noted a few cuts that had already begun to heal scattered across his face. “Are you okay?”

He grunted, “Nothing worse than usual. Pretty much already back to normal.” But you could see a small flash of something cross his face and you knew he wasn’t telling you everything. However, that was tomorrow’s problem. Tonight, you just wanted to focus on the fact he was back.

Pulling your cheek out of his hand, you slid closer to him and buried your face in his chest. The sound of his strong, steady heartbeat instantly relaxed you, and for the first time in almost a week, you felt the knot in your chest fade away.

Frank wrapped his arms around you tightly as he placed a long, lingering kiss to the top of your head. You knew this was your moment. The one that had been terrifying you for weeks. The one you had been afraid you would never get. But as you opened your mouth, the words still wouldn’t come out. While there was no doubt in your mind that you loved him, you knew you couldn’t handle his rejection or brush off right now if he didn’t feel that way too. You just got him back, you couldn’t lose him again so soon. So, you just drew deeper into him and said, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Me too.” There was a contented silence for a few minutes, and you had just begun to drift off in his arms when he muttered, “Sweetheart…. You know I love you, right?”

For the second time that night, your heart skipped a beat. You looked up at his face, so earnest and honest in a way you had never seen it before. Smiling as tears began to well up in your eyes, you said, “I had hoped so, but I’m so glad you said it. I love you too, Frank.”

He chuckled softly as his face lit up. With a lopsided grin, he pulled you into his lips. And as you kissed the man that you loved and who loved you in return, you realized you had never been happier.

More coming soon! 💖

Taglist:@babblydrabbly, @loverhymeswith, @foli-vora, @lucyysthings, @11thstreetvigilante, @merlehs, @sunshineflowerchild789, @myguiltypleasures21, @androah, @okei888, @arduadastra, @infinitelydreamingx, @weallhaveadestiny, @dreamcatcher121, @skvatnavle, @andromacher, @assemblemotherfuckers

[bbyannabeth]

Drunk Percy one shot who just like can’t stop gushing about Annabeth and how amazing she it

i have finally finished this, the prequel to polaroids on the hardwood floor so pls enjoy

you and me from the night before

Okay so maybe Percy shouldn’t have taken that last shot. And maybe he should drink some water or juice, or at least have something else to eat. But he felt invincible at the moment, so he didn’t care. He was surrounded by his best friends in the world, his apartment packed, and there were only fifteen minutes left in the year.

Annabeth, who was pressed up against his side, moved away with a wide smile. She was just as drunk as him. “I’m gonna get a refill,” she said, a slight slur to her words that Percy could barely detect.

“Me too,” he said, but Piper grabbed his arm.

“You are going to pass out, dude. Breathe for a minute,” she said, speaking slowly so he understood her. Even in her drunken state, she was still more sensible than everyone else. Percy pouted but nodded, watching Annabeth walk away.

“She’s so pretty,” he whined once she slipped into the kitchen and out of his sight. He turned back to Piper and Leo. “Why is she so pretty?”

“I don’t know, bud,” Piper said, shrugging. She was the only person to know about Percy’s crush on Annabeth, if you could call it that. Piper liked to call it him being madly in love with her but to each their own.

“And smart,” Percy continued, unable to stop himself now, looking back in the direction she’d come from. “And nice, most of the time. Even when she’s mean, it’s still in a nice way. And she’s really funny, I-” he sighed, turning back towards his friends and looking down into his nearly empty cup. “I love her.”

“I know, Perce,” Piper said, kicking his toe lightly to gain his attention. He looked up to see their sympathetic faces and suddenly he didn’t feel so invincible anymore. Hazel joined them and struck up a conversation about something Frank had just told her, but Percy had lost interest, opting to stay silent. And then Annabeth reappeared next to him, a beautiful smile on her face. But it faded a bit when she saw his face.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Percy nodded. Annabeth looked up at him with her wide gray eyes and he downed what remained of his drink before he did something stupid like kiss her.

Huh, he thought. Kiss her.

“Have you ever had a New Year’s kiss?” he asked suddenly, abandoning all better judgment. Annabeth surprisingly didn’t seem phased by the question. Instead, she smiled.

“No, but I’ve always wanted one,” she said, sighing. “It seems like such a good way to start a year. Plus my mom used to tell me it was good luck for the upcoming year if you kissed someone at midnight.”

He’d barely gotten the chance to react before she gasped, grabbing his arm. “We should kiss at midnight!”

“What?” Piper interrupted, making them both turn their heads to their friends who were all looking at them.

“I was telling Percy about how my mom used to tell me New Year’s kisses were good luck!” Annabeth exclaimed, unphased by their confusion and shock. “And I said that we should kiss because it’s good luck!”

Percy blinked a few times, allowing his brain to process her words before he broke out into a smile. Any sadness he’d felt before was gone, replaced with a giddy happiness. Annabeth turned to him, eyes sparkling. “We should!”

“Duh,” he said, making her laugh. Piper had an amused smile but she didn’t say anything.

“Two minutes!” Thalia called from somewhere in the room, making everyone cheer. Annabeth set her drink down, grabbing a plastic bead necklace with 2021 on it and slipping it over her head. Then she grabbed a pair of glittery, blue 2021 glasses and slid them on Percy’s face.

“These are awful!” he complained. Annabeth only laughed, picking her drink back up. On the TV, the ball on the Empire State Building glowed a variety of colors, and the announcer stated there were only 60 seconds.

“Percy!” Piper called. As soon as he turned his head, the flash of a camera momentarily blinded him as she took a polaroid of him. When he made a noise of annoyance, she laughed and said, “Sorry, the glasses were too much, I had to,” not sounding very sorry.

At twenty seconds left, everyone began counting down and Annabeth threw an arm around Percy’s shoulder. “You’re my best friend,” she said, smiling wide. “And I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” Percy replied, a little too truthful. His arm slid around her waist and Annabeth only smiled wider. There were still two seconds left when he decided he couldn’t wait that much longer, wrapping his other arm around her and bending down to kiss her. Annabeth didn’t complain, instead lifting her hand to his jaw and he smiled against her lips. He was distantly aware of a camera flash but it was the last thing on his mind. As everyone cheered around them, all he could focus on was Annabeth.

It wasn’t a long kiss, maybe only a few seconds. When she pulled back, it was with the brightest smile and Percy nearly kissed her again. He didn’t have to, though, because she brought him down for one more quick kiss.

“I love you so much. You mean so much to me and I’m glad you’re my best friend,” Annabeth rambled, not moving away from their embrace.

The word friend stuck out a little bit to Percy but he couldn’t be mad about it right now. He’d just kissed Annabeth Chase. “I love you too,” he replied. “You mean so much to me, too.”

If only she knew.

She would’ve caught his serious tone in any other context, but as wasted as she was now, she just giggled and hugged him tightly. “I need to use the bathroom, I’ll be back,” she smiled when she pulled away, leaving him there. Piper appeared in front of him a second later.

“Well, well,” she grinned. “Already having fun this year?”

Percy couldn’t have stopped the smile forming on his face if he tried. “Maybe a little.”

[rayslittlekitten]

Picture Time

A/N: This is for Week Six of FanFic Friday for @rebelwrites​. Guys, I legit got emotional writing the end of this like as if I was actually there to witness it. This is a prequel to Excess Baggage. @aimee-wildner​ this for you. I know you mentioned wanting a part 2, but this photo prompt sparked this idea.

Rating: G

Word Count: 1,052

Pairing: Will "Ironhead" Miller x F!reader

Plot: Frankie's wedding day becomes a special day for you and Will as well.

Contains: mucho fluff 

Photo Prompt:

"Billy, you'll be fine. I feel like you're more nervous than Frankie." You laugh as you're fixing his bow tie which was Lucy's idea. Frankie wanted ties.

"It's his big day and I just don't want to fuck it up," Will replies.

It's Frank's wedding day and Will is one of his groomsman, along with Ben and Tom, with Santiago as his best man.

"You're overthinking it, babe. Just think of this as another one of your missions. I know Frankie sure planned it that way despite Lucy's protest." You chuckle.

"Come on, bro, we gotta go," Ben tells Will.

Will takes a deep breath and looks over to you.

"Go, babe. You're gonna be the best groomsman Frank could ever ask for." 

"Hey! I'm right here," Ben whines.

You ignore Ben and give Will a sweet peck on his lips, but to your surprise, Will pulls you in close to extend and deepen the kiss.

"I love you," Will tells you after pulling back.

"What the fuck, guys? Lucy is going to have your balls. They're waiting for us to start. Vamos!" Santiago appears out of nowhere. Of course Frankie would send him to wrangle the Miller brothers. What's worse than fucking up Frankie's big day is fucking up his wife-to-be's big day.

You laugh and gently push Will towards Ben and Santiago.

As you wait for the ceremony to start in your seat, you glance over at Will at the altar and his eyes are darting around until it finally lands on you. You smile at him and he does the same. You mouth "I love you" to him and his smile widens and he winks at you. Music starts filling the church, interrupting your little moment. Everyone's attention is now towards the back where the bridesmaids start walking in. They all look beautiful and elegant, even the flower girl, Tess. Frankie had asked Tom if his daughter could be the flower girl and of course she was excited to do the honor for her Uncle Frank. When Tess reaches the altar, you notice Will looking at Tess with a loving and longing gaze. He's mentioned wanting to start a family in the past before and a few months ago he had brought it up again. He wasn't asking you right then and there to be the mother of his children, but it was a conversation that eventually needed to happen. It was just part of figuring out the next step of your relationship.

The church suddenly goes quiet and everyone stands up. The familiar tune plays and Lucy makes her entrance. You can't help but get emotional watching her walk down the aisle. She looks so beautiful in the satin ivory mermaid fishtail dress with a train to die for. When she reaches the altar, you see Frankie sobbing. You then catch a glimpse of Will and notice him sniffling. You've witnessed him cry before, but because of the things he's seen and done. He's still working on managing his PTSD, but you've seen him re-live through some of his darkest thoughts and you're also still learning to see the signs and help him manage them as well so he knows he's safe when it happens.

This might be the first time you've ever seen him cry from happiness and that fills you with so much joy. Will looks over at you and he smiles.

***

During the reception, you notice Will is drinking quite a bit but you don't think much of it. He usually can handle his liquor and it's one of his best friends' wedding. However, you also notice something different about him. He doesn't seem like he's all here, like something is on his mind. Maybe he's also drinking to forget?

"Hey, Billy, you okay?" You ask him, placing your hand on his shoulder as you're both waiting by the open bar with the Delta boys and their dates for a round of shots.

"Yeah, of course, honey." Will turns his body towards to you and puts his hand on your lower back, pulling you into him. "Everything is perfect." His clear blue eyes are looking into yours and he's flashing the smile you fell in love with when you first met him. "Come on, let's go take a picture. I want to be able to look back at this moment." He takes your hand and walks over to Ben who is throwing back a shot.

"Hey Benny, picture time." Will hands Ben his phone.

"Will, did you get your shot?" Ben asks, ignoring his request. Ben is probably two shots away from being completely incoherent.

"Let's take this picture first." Will insists.

Ben's eye darts from Will's to yours and back to his for a moment.

"Oh, right! Picture time." Ben takes the phone from Will and sets up the shot. "Ready?"

As you pose waiting for Ben to take the picture, Ben tells Will his shoelace is untied. As you wait for Will to finish tying his shoe, someone you know passes by and says hi to you, distracting you for a moment. You hear quiet whispers and when you look back down to check on Will, you gasp. You find Will on one knee holding out a velvet box.

"Y/N, I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you. You are my rock and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

You feel the tears threatening to come out of your eyes. All eyes are on you and Will, but honestly you're only focused on Will and the sound of his voice.

"Y/N, will you marry me?"

You nod before you answer.  "Yes, Billy."

Everyone around you cheers. Will gets up to his feet and slips the ring on your finger. He cups yours face and gives you a deep kiss.

"Sonofabitch! Did you know this was happening?" Santiago asks Frankie. Frankie shakes his head.

"Congratulations, Ironhead! Come here!" Frankie pulls Will in for a hug and then you.

"Sorry, Fish. I hope I didn't ruin your day," Will says.

"Get the fuck out of here. I'm happy for you, hermano."

"Thanks, man. I'm happy for you too," Will says as they both look over at you as you're showing Lucy your ring.

Related Fics: - You’re Safe - Excess Baggage