#i never stop talking about msyelf actually

[aprillikesthings]

I had originally promised msyelf I wouldn't live-tweet or live-blog my rewatch of she-ra (mostly bc it will make it take FOREVER to watch the whole thing) but...fuck it

THIS IS A REWATCH. I've forgotten plenty of it, but I still remember plenty too, and that's all going to bias how I react to things, and obviously there will be spoilers, and also I don't plan to react to EVERYTHING bc it would just take too long okay? okay

Edit: ....yeah this took me nearly two hours for one episode oops

First of all let me point out how hilarious it is to me that when scrolling back through my tags I found myself posting MULTIPLE TIMES that I wanted to write the kind of fic I'm working on but knew I'd need to rewatch the whole series to do it right and now FOUR YEARS LATER I'm finally giving up and doing it.

why am i like this lol

ANYWAY

NETFLIX IT HAS BEEN A COUPLE OF YEARS and I know he's legally changed his name WHY is Nate/ND's old name still on here

THat's....that's Angella. That's a terrible propaganda poster of Angella. I'm cracking up how did I not notice that before

Okay the very first time Adora says Catra's name I lol'ed bc I've watched this fanvid (which came out after s2) a truly bananapants number of times and it's just what I immediately thought of

I started reading a fic recently that I couldn't get into and gave up on, but it pointed out something that seems OBVIOUS NOW: the reason the Horde is all children/teenagers is like, the whole "destroying the villages of Etheria" thing. Just slaughtering the parents and stealing the kids.

Then again maybe they said that in canon and I forgot. Dumb shit like that is of course why I'm rewatching.

Someone pointed out that both Adora and Catra obviously have ADHD and I cannot unsee it

I mean yeah that's...that's her entire motivation

(I mean not quite in the way Adora means it here but)

I will never, ever be over how fast this show started baiting them as a pairing. I remember the first time I watched the first episodes saying "the people who made this came from fandom and they know exactly how to get us."

Catra nails Shadow Weaver's motivation--"She's just mad she doesn't have any real power that doesn't come from Hordak and everyone knows it." And then calls Adora a "people-pleaser." She's not wrong.

Like, Catra understands the motivations etc of everyone but herself

(...something something abused children something C-PTSD something hypervigilance)

Catra's tail swishing just like a real cat's does when angry is A+

Re: stealing the skiff: Catra's supposed to be the one with bad impulse control but Adora is just as bad!! (it's the ADHD)

...pulling a random pretty sword out of the ground that's lit up like a quest in a video game is also poor impulse control lollll

I still crack up at this one and am still surprised I haven't read a fic that makes a big deal out of hair-pulling

Bow folding up random laundry on the floor and asking where it goes while talking to Glimmer is some nice early character-building. "This boy is not a sexist douchebag."

I mean the outfit helps too lol

Okay so on the one hand I know character age wank is fucking stupid, but also I get why people were like "...are these all minors or what" considering Glimmer's being grounded and then arguing with her mom like a high-schooler. My own parents (who were more controlling than most) stopped actually "grounding" me once I was 18--they just forbid me from using the car for anything but work or school because they owned it. Which is why they owned the car. Anyway.

(True story: that was their punishment for me getting bad grades at community college, and my response to this was to quit school, buy my own car, and move in with my then-boyfriend's family)

I wonder if Adora running off to do things on her own in order to attempt to protect people she cares about without asking them if that's even something they want her to do will be a continuing theme for her 🤔

omg the way they did her eyes/face makes Glimmer look so fucking creepy here

SO MUCH HAIR-PULLING poor Adora

I FORGET WHAT THIS SAYS I know it's an actual "alphabet" and people get tattoos and shit

(so, SO many tattoos of the failsafe...)

(okay but let's be honest a tattoo of the failsafe from the last episode is a really great way of finding other nerdy sapphics, they'd be the only ones to recognize it)

This is kinda heavy-handed ("don't just believe everything authority figures tell you, kids!") but also this show was aimed at like 12-year-olds so

Yeah this absolutely reminds me of conversations I've had over multiple decades about LGBT people and how people who know us as friends, coworkers, neighbors; realize we're Just People and are less likely to be dicks to us--not always, but often. Adora has never met a princess, so it was easy for the Horde to convince her they're all evil.

OH MAN this scene reminds me SO MUCH of the one in Arcane where Ekko is talking to Caitlyn about how Piltover/the Enforcers are fucking over the people of Zaun/the Undercity

Yeah good lord I could do a line-by-line dialogue comparison.

"Woman who has always been on the side of what she thought was The Law finds out everything she's ever known is a fucking lie and actually, she's been part of a force oppressing and destroying other people and immediately wants to fix things"

*squints at Caitlyn and Adora*

We never do find out who Grayskull is, but that's because Netflix doesn't have the rights to the He-Man stuff, and I admit this was probably the best way to keep She-Ra's signature line without getting into that

OKAY FIRST EP OVER omg

[everqi]

MUNDAY DASH GAME

——— BASICS!

NAME! - (arph)enion

PRONOUNS! - he/him usually but any works tbh

ZODIAC SIGN! - Capricorn

TAKEN OR SINGLE! - single will never mingle

——— THREE  FACTS!

1! - i love playing board games

2! - i’ve been a vegetarian for about 11 years now

3! - im like those sad office workers u see in anime just typing away in my cubicle

——— EXPERIENCE!

PLATFORMS USED! - DSFLSKDJF: i started on gaiaonline forums HAHA , then some other avatar based forums, then tumblr

——— MUSE  PREFERENCE!

FEMALE, MALE OR NONBINARY! - I usually gravitate towards writing males.

MULTI OR SINGLE! - I don’t have a preference , but I’m bad with organization so I usually go with single blogs. Ironically then I end up with like 5 diff blogs and can’t manage them anyways.

FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT! -  lean towards fluff & angst but I think this simplifies genres too much LOL. I just like when people help me plot cause sometimes its just me and then it gets hard coming up with ideas. Smut tbh I don’t remember ever rping it funny enough. Like I’m not opposed to it, but I’m not like actively searching for it.

PLOT / MEMES! - I prefer plots , but memes are great for jumping in timelines and AUs and stuff :^)

TAGGED BY! - @miimpii  (THANK UUUU)

TAGGING! -  @ghosturned @nobilitylost @unhclys @calamityrot @ziyoue @reflight @vulpesse

[irregulardiaryposts]

23:28 11/05/2021

sooooo uhhhhh,, its chewsday innit.i have no idea what my life is anymore. like what do i even do?? i have no idea how i would describe myself to someone else and thats sort scary yk. like how am i supposed to like myself if i dont know who i am? n e way enough existentialismmmmmm ice gotten more unconditional uni offers which im dead proud of like who wouldve thought I wouldve been able to do this. if only i couldve seen myself like 4 years ago i would be shocked. i mean most of it would make sense but like i didnt even think id live this long tbh. i dont think about that enough the fact i couldnt see myself getting older and doing 'grown uo things' because i thought i would never get through the present. that sounds real sad wow. 

lets talk about something else, perhaps how i believe myself to be far too impulsive for my own good and never thinking anything through twice. like ive just tried to revamp my whole room coz i was unhappy with it. i tried to chalk it up to just wanting a better desk and suddenly ive thrown away half my furniture and my room looks empty affff. but its ok since it already looks kinda better everything's cleaner now too. 

i went into my backgarden today and i picked all the uhhh my laptop almost died on me there i realised my things at full brightness anyway yes i went and picked the uh dandelions? the yellow chucky ones and some daisies and i made some flower chains and stuff and hung them in my room even though theyre gonna die idrc becuase they still look kinda cute, i keep patching my uni prep class becuase icba going but i still need to set up student loans and shit and actually confirm my choice for uni too omfg so much work and also need to start teaching msyelf the theory sruff for my driving thingytghing 

i was just looking back at another post before i started typing this and i was talking about how i dont really espress myself all too well through my apppearance and things i can personalise to me and i feel like ive gotten a lot better at that coz i recently chucked away a lot of clothes i dont wear and my mum bought me new stuff and im dead chuffed coz im far more confident in them and theyre far more comfy too :) ive also stopped wearing bras with wires and padding in them coz fuck all that shit i no longer care if people see my nipples becuase its not worth the actual pain from and improperly fitting bra which all of them are on me ............................................  

ive been listening to some NEW music lately just from my discover weekly stuff and its been pretty fuckign spot on with the shit i wanna listen to but i wish itd let me save each week as like a diff playlist but ive just been adding my favs to my other playlists feel like ive been piecing myself together bit by bit after not having the right pieces for years. 

anyway future me or whoever listen to 'them changes' by thunder someone or other because i think im a little bit obssesed atm hehehehehhehehehesjnjndkb LJBSCLVJBs jbs c' CKJBDKjkbckj  sh. i feel a bit like a fraud tho ngl like as tho im waiting for the other shoe to drop and find out im actaully lying about being a functioning human being for longer than like 5 days in the past 3/4 years. did that make sense idk im justsaying i feel a bit fake and that next time i feel a bit d y s f u n c t i o n a l its gonna hit really fucking hard and its gonna take a lot to get over it idk maybe im just being pessimistic or smth have a tendency to do that. 

also ive completely given up with school i have less than a month left and i cannot be fucked doing any more work than is necessary to pass ie only doing the test things and pretending to know what im doing in class no studying no homework none of that bs i would rather break my toes ..  

ive wrote like 3800 characters thats like maybe 800 words isssshhh idk man considering ive wrote w shit like wbsihizjbk ziSJNlcjb alknfbv ajn jankbdv. you know , . i dont really know what im rambing about anymore nothing has realliy progressed that much do idk what to say ill come back maybe when im at uni :O beye

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[zombie-girl-memoirs]

Some thoughts and feelings have been buried inside me for years. Yesterday I wrote them down.

I'm filled with oblivion and apathy, and all around me is paper and plastic, a cage carefully manufactured by me. I hate this silence. Like everyone in the world is dead. Maybe I am. Inside.

I'm a zombie girl.

And I don't even like zombies. Well, I don't really like myself either, tbh. I'm working on my self-esteem and stuff.

[See the last phrase? Even here I try to pretend like I'm okay and be the positive spiritual guru that I'm not. I'll try to keep it honest and not let that mask blur my truth...]

Time seems paralyzed and I want to disappear, crash my skull like a watermelon to stop thinking. I can't even read.

But when I put music on, this strange void and stuffiness is filled with sound and air. And I forget it all

I speak through their voice

I thrive

I forget

I grin

I know that probably I won't change tomorrow

That makes me sad

But I keep dancing

...

I have a call.

I don't want to talk to people.

I wish someone could come and rescue me

That they'd look at me and see me, with my pain and wonders.

And they smile and hug me.

I understand, you're safe with me, they'd say.

Ah, I wish...

...

I brushed my hair in the dark.

I do things just to appear busy. Or think that im actually trying.

Everything good that blooms inside me, i kill. Inside me there's a grey dessert. Dessert. Haha. Typos... *desert

I feel so angry at the world. I feel like i gave up on myself and people. I cut every thread that connected me to others. I conviced myself i only need me. I dont know any more...

But i fear trying. Caring is hurting. It hasnt worked well for me in the past...

I dont know how to talk to people. I dont know how to be vulnerable. I dont know how to be myself.

Everything is cut off in the middle. I break and reconstruct myself again and again till the point where i never get anything done.

I cant be honest with people.

I want them to think im okay.

I feel self centered and whiny if i say im not.

I fear being co dependent.

I fear being alone.

I fear it all.

Im tired.

I want to change.

Like a phoenix.

Maybe i struggle cause part of me doesnt want to perish...

I hope this was easier.

But i guess growth never is.

I have to accept it.

The sooner the better.

I got a call now.

I dont feel social.

I'll paint a smile on my face and put the pre recorded voice. They'll love me.

Maybe i resent everyone because i feel like its their fault. Like they were the ones there. Even if they didnt even know i existed.

Like they might hurt me again as they did. They're not individuals who hurt me. They're ghost that live in every person i encounter. I dont like ghosts.

But maybe i am one myself.

Funny life, innit?

Im falling asleep, its only 9pm, and i'll probably stay half unconscious till 1 or 2... Who cares. I dont. No one ever does.

Im always angry inside.

Why cant anyone see my pain.

Im akways kind of nervous when sharing this darkness of mine. Everyone seems to have the right to complain and scream about how stupid the world is and how that new Star Wars movie stinks even though you were looking forward to it, and everyone seems to love it.

I dont know about you, but im very critical and annoyed with that kind of people. I want to snort and tell them to shut the fuck up, no one cares that you're sad and angry.

No one does.

Maybe its because i myself am sad and angry and i never express it. I sometimes wish i could set a fire and break havoc.

Oh, someone called me while writing this. Needless to say, i ignored it.

Anyway.

...

It was a delivery. I got a package delivered. Something I bought for msyelf. A beautiful tarot deck. Its funny. I was so pissed this morning. Yesterday i was kind of excited for it, as if it was christmas, the only interesting thing to look forward to. Now i have it. I dont know how to feel. Its gorgeous. I like it.

Anyway!

Let me finish my rant. As i was saying. I hate people that are whiny, and pessimistic and cynic. I kinda feel like they do it to be interesting.

But i do feel cynical and pessimistic.

I just dont show it because i feel like everyone will get tired of me and hate me. Like the rot apple.

I read a book where the protagonist is dark and depressed and cynical and somehow everyone forgives her and loves her for who she is, she finds a gorgeous boy, just as quirky and wise and broken as her, he tells her he'll help her live again. He hugs her even when she's crap.

I thought it was a pretty fairy tale. It doesnt happen irl. Not to me.

Maybe i just have bad luck and live in the most boring place in the world.

I dont like to share these feelings because i know what they'll say and its not helpful. You know, that thing you see in mugs and posters. Live love laugh. Idk the correct order.

It'll be alright! You're awesome!

Mkay, Susan, now I'm happy and all my problems have been solved. Thank you.

I know they mean well. But i dont want advice or comfort words. I just want someone to listen, to see me, to see my pain for what it is and dont dismiss it. And then give me a hug, maybe. If i like them. I dont like hugs from strangers, or people in general.

The other scenario is like that time when i was crying and my mom yelled at me WHY CANT YOU BE OKAY, WHY CANT YOU BE HAPPY?! Or when my dad stared at me in silence while i cried, frozen, and he said with stern tone, stop crying. I didnt.

Sadness and anger arent pretty emotions, nor acceptable.

And i dismiss it when i see someone else's.

Maybe because no one sees my pain, so i dont want to see theirs.

You see, when i was a kid i was cheerful and creative and social and happy and adaptable. But... you know that they make products so that they get broken at certain point so that you buy a new one? Expiration date pre fabricated. I feel like that. I was functioning right till i was 12. Then everything was broken.

You know that meme? About 4 mysteries of humanity, and one of them is "why i stopped being happy when i was 11"

#relatable

I've been dead inside since then.

No one noticed though. Maybe they just didnt want to care, it was inconvenient. Then they put the blame on my for not being a happy fucking unicorn with rainbows and flowers. Cussing in english is kinda fun...

My older sister was very sick once. Everyone put money for the operation. Everyone surrounded her like she was the sun and im Pluto. A dwarf planet. Sounds kinda cute. Its not.

Im always supporting everyone yet no one asks me if im alright. Probably i'd lie if they'd do, though. I always lie. Thats why i wish someone would see through me.

Anyway. I thought it was hilarious.

I started feeling like a ghost since i was 12. It wasnt pretty. Invisibility isnt a nice superpower, i tell you that. Pick teleportation in the buzzfeed quiz instead.

I thought i was okay now. Turns out im not. I feel like a zombie. Or a paper doll with a smile painted on her face, hollow inside, maybe filled with ghosts.

Im dead and no one cares.

Do i want them to care?

Idk.

I wanted to die a few times. Not like die die irl. More like what Hermione does with that obliviate spell. Disappear. Poof! And go live to a forest and read.

Sounds pretty cozy, right?

I think connection to others is also connection to life. But i cut the threads. Im pretty sure they'd forget about me quickly...

I already isolated myself like Elsa.

Fuck y'all! Im tired of your bullshit!

Go, Elsa, go!

I kinda want someone to sneak in my ice castle, and pat me in the head, like in animes do, ara ara, and i'd smile like a cute anime girl, or like that shinigami from Death Note. No middle ground. But i'll breath relieved.

I want someone that feels like sunshine.

But im not worthy of that sunshine. I would stain their beauty with my darkness, like a virus or black ink spilled in gorgeous silk paper.

And chances are that sunshine is a facade. Its funny how many personality traits are just a defense mechanism.

You know, that smiling boy who is always happy, you go and scratch the coating paint and find out monsters and goo and death metal and screams.

I dont want to deal with his pain.

But its not fair that i only share mine.

So i'll just not. You know. Make friends with him.

He doesnt exist btw, i just made him up.

Im not straight btw, just to get it clear.

But this isnt about gender and sexuality, even though i find those topics very interesting.

Lately i've been listening to Billie Eilish a lot. What a surprise, huh?

Hostage, in particular. I kind of feel that way. I want to have someone love me yet i dont want them to break my walls or share my heart cause i hate being vulnerable.

Maybe thats why i write this. And share it with you.

Though idk if anyone is reading it.

Maybe its like talking to the empty space in the universe.

Or not.

The point is that i can share here without completely showing my truth yet not lying at the same time.

You wont meet me, like, ever. I wont meet you. It would be strange if we'd do. You'd know more about me than i know about you. Or maybe because you relate to me i kinda do know you, a little. Who knows. Sounds like a movie. Aint happening. Sorry for being such a mood killer. I do like to romanticize life in general... just not here, not now.

Back to the main point here, you may relate to something i say, and you feel a teeny tiny bit less lonely.

Kinda like laughing at memes about panic attacks. Its not a funny thing but its nice seeing that you're not alone.

Funny thing is that even if we dont meet you'll know me better than my friends and family do. Cause i keep a mask of happy me when im around them.

So that kinda makes us a tiny bit like friends.

I hope you dont relate that much to me, though. I'd like for you to be happier than i am.

Looking back, this post is hella long ㅋㅋㅋㅋ but whatever

[sweetismindfulness-blog]

Mindful Eating.

Yesterday I tried mindful eating for the first time. Well...I mean actually tried and succeeded. Usually I do things really slowly, like walking, reading, putting things together, so I find it kind of strange that I eat really fast and not mindfully. This is something I've struggled with for years due to my eating disorder. I restricted too much in the past that led to binge eating that led to only eating healthy food in extremely large doses. This resulted in a terrible digestive disorder and eating when I wasn't hungry and boredom. It actually sucks so much that I had to experience all of that, but in all honesty I really appreciate that experience because if it wasn't for those experiences I would not be where I am today.

Isn't it funny to think that way, it makes everything so clear and positive. Honestly, it all is positivity. Sometimes I think I just get lucky, but all in all it's because I look at the positive side of things and don't let these small negative things get in the way of my thinking.

Sometimes I think that only good things happen to me, but this isn't true at all. I suffered with some much anxiety, depression, low self-confidence in the past, but I guess I kind of just forgot it all.

I struggled so much to figure out who I was, I feel that I was this lost girl in this world not knowing what I truly valued and wanted in life.

I remember when I was in High School, I would cry myself to sleep everynight, now not exactly knowing why. I think it was because I didn't know who I really was and hated every bit of myself.

I'd often hate myself and wish I was someone else...anyone else really. wish I was taller, prettier, smarter, or even my sister. Why did everyone like her..I always wondered. Deep down I envied her so much and probably hated her to an extent. It pains me to say this because I know she didn't do any of this on purpose. I was filled with so much hate and jealousy it hurts me to admit it right now.

But, all in all it was through these experiences that I am where I am today. I have to say it took so long, so fucking long to realize who I am. That I am me. No one else is me. Why do I have to compare myself to others. We all have our own individual experiences who make us who we are. We are special in our own unique ways. No one can go through the same things we did, no one can look like us, think like us, no one can be us. So why do we envy others. This is just such a waste of energy.

We sometimes think if our life is a certain way, we would be happier. I've heard this so many times, oh so many times, but it isn't until recently--through this "enlightend" experience that I've really understood what it means. We can't think that way because if we do we are constantly chasing after the future after something that is not reachable. We need to appreciate what we have now, how we feel in the present. If we cannot realize that we can never truly reach this enlightened state.

I struggled so much with my identity in the past, I still do occassionaly, I admit I am constantly learning and changing my opinions. I accept that I don't know everything and won't know everything in my lifetime, but I am willing to learn. Now I don't just accept and agree with what everyone tells me. I have my own opinions, my own thoughts, my own values. I will listen to what others have to say, but in the end I make my own decisions for myself. I know what I want and won't let others opinions sway me so easily.

Whoops just notice the title to this post was supposed to be about mindful eating. I did sway a bit away from that topic, but I think that eating mindfully relates back to how we live our life. Although mindful eating relates to "eating" and food, being mindful of how we eat our food relates to our everyday decisions. Do we really take the time to stop and think what we are doing? Are we being concious of our actions? Do we really take the time and enjoy and acknowledge the world around us? Or are we just rushing and doing things uncounsiouly on autopilot. Because if we are, we are acting the same way we are eating. When we eat in front of a TV or computer or even when we are talking. We are not actually "eating" we are just stuffing our faces. If you really want to enjoy your food and eat to fill yourself and your hunger then you need to stop with all of these distractions and really only look at the food in front of you. Eat your food slowly and actually taste, smell, feel, absorb the food. Also it is important to ask yourself WHY you are eating. Don't just eat because you are bored, stressed, want to feel happier. Eat because you are actually hungry. You will know when you are hungry, it might take sometime because we are all so conditioned to eat at certain times of the day(breakfast, lunch, dinner) and not when we actually are hungry. This leads to overeating and eating when we don't really need food in our stomachs.

I'm an advocate for eating healthy with a small dosage of eating what you want. I want you to realize that you can eat what you want, but just be aware of what you are eating. Don't eat something because you know that there are less calories in that version. Like for instance soymilk, I always buy the lower calorie soymilk even though it tastes like shit. It dosen't fufill my desire for something sweet and creamy because it's practically water. I need to realize that if I buy good tasting food, and eat it mindfully we will enjoy the food and be more fufilled. I have honestly lost such an appetite for food because I eat it so carelessly and non-mindfully. Just gulping, swallowing down everything that's on my plate.

It feels terrible when I overeat by the way. This happened so occasionallly that I'd sit there with pain in my stomach, so much pain and just hate myself for having overate. I quickly think of anything I can do to make this go away. Of course...try and throw up but god I can never get msyelf to do this. I tried so hard so many times. So of course I exercise intensly to try and makeup for all the food I just ate. This just leads to a repetitive cycle of overeating, then over exercise. A terrible process and terrible for the brain. I need to realize that me eating is just trying to fufill something deeper, something empty inside of me. I noticed that I eat so much when I come home because I try and fill myself with happiness, the feeling of happiness I get when I binge eat, that mindless happiness, that isn't true happiness by the way. It's only temporary and self destructing happiness.

I guess the first step is acknowledging this. I already have acknoklwedge this and am now aware. I will no longer let this mindless act of eating control me. I'm ready to take my body and mind back. I'm in control god dammit. Honestly fuck all the stigma's and diets out there that encourage counting calories.

The thing I realized that we should be doing is not these stupid shit diets, counting calories, eating healthy. Okay we should try and pick the healthier options most times, but only if we want to. Like seriously fuck salads. I fucking hate them and they taste like shit.

We should be focusing on eating when we are really hungry and stopping when we aren't. Why are we forcing our kids to finish all the food on our plates when they say they are no longer hungry. Like okay maybe pull the whole "kids in africa are starving, they would kill to be you right now" but what the actual fuck does this even mean. So what if they're starving....like how does overeating on our part help them in anyway. This just leads us to develop a habit of overeating and eating when we aren't hungry which leads to obesity...the obesity that is taking over our country and other countries. It is just so sad to me how food has led to be the main source of discussion in almost every conversation. It honestly disgusts me to the point where I become so frustrated. It's like we let this idea of happiness and fulfillment come from food. Where we should be focusing our energy elsewhere, we should be focusing it on hobbies, interests, passions, things that actually matter. Why the fuck does food need to be our source of happiness, conversation piece. I hate it when all people can suggest to do when meeting up is food. Like what the fuck. I don't want to waste money eating out when I could make something myself that is 10x healthier and taste better. Honestly, I've never been someone to appreciate food that much because I've been too focused on calorie counting. But recently I realized that's not a healthy way to live either. We should instead be eating things we love regardless of the calorie content, but whether we REALLy want to eat it. Eat it slowly and in moderation. Eat only when you're hungry, with no distractions, and mindfully. Eat this way and you will better not only your eating habits, but better your life as well.

Peace

[jess-oh]

Reflection

helllooo

it’s pretty late and i should sleep soon

im not super proud bc i know ive walked/hiked for longer but nevertheless, i did walk for 1hr 45min today and went way past my usual 10k goal. i used to casually walk an hour to and from school but it’s been a while so i am happy im getting back into exercising. it wasnt too extreme at all. i did walk 10k steps in just that of itself but failed to hit 20k. im not as proud as i would like to be of myself but i am still glad i was able to push myself even this much nonetheless. i used to really have a nevergiveup attitude and i was so tempted to just stop for a break or give up altogether today when i got even a little bit tired and tried to come up with a bunch of diff excuses to stop. but i didnt. i kept myself accountable and kept going. not even for the sake of the competition but just to prove to msyelf that i could do it.

then i ate chipotle and got way too full and joined david, samuel, and p. josh for andy’s! it was pretty good! and then david, pj, and i went back to allison to play a new mario game where they just tried to kill each other. i was too afraid to even try and once i finally did play bc david had to use the restroom, i wasnt actually terrible at it and couldve joined in on the fun much earlier. pj graciously drove me to the howard stop and it was pretty awkward between us on the way. :/ i wish we had some more common ground. we’ve known each other for a while now but it’s still so awkward. i never know what to talk about. our common interests are pretty limited. :/ idk that i’ve ever had as hard a time talking with people like i do with the people at lakeview. before, i used to think of philosophical questions and gather data from a bunch of people and see how they responded and bc i enjoy expanding my knowledge and wisdom, it was a win win. i had a good conversation that i could carry for a while and felt passionate about and we could just avoid that awkwardness altogether!

oh also, i filmed myself doing the VBS song this morning and it’s pretty good! i just need to keep practicing and working on the timing. hopefully i can start brainstorming before sunday at least but at least for sure have this one confidently ready to go for the first session!

please bless us, Lord! I’m actually pretty nervous that i won’t be a great teacher but im hoping my love and passion will shine through.