#i preach enough about boundaries on here i feel like my feelings have been made clear. however.

[kindahoping4forever]

Ash with a fan in Perth today

📸: Faith Moran for Getty Images

[justanartdork]

Welcome Home’s Current Gatekeeping Issue

I’m not really one to make long winded essays on stuff, but I feel like this one needs to be addressed (if my thoughts seem incoherent and rambleish, I am currently writing this at 2 A.M., so if my points come off as confusing, it’s probably sleep deprivation). With MatPat’s current release of his livestream covering Welcome Home, the collective fandom as a whole has been swarming to his video to preach the creator’s boundaries/slander him for even breathing near the project, which has made a lot more issues within the community prevalent, most notably: gatekeeping.

Recently, Clown has been taking a break from the project and social media, due to the sudden boom of popularity surrounding the project, as well as issues with his personal boundaries regarding it, such as NSFW work being made of his characters. The fandom as a whole, has seemingly taken this message to heart, and are doing their best to make sure those boundaries are respected.

Now, this in itself isn’t too much of an issue, But what IS an issue is how most people are going about it. Clown himself stated that he doesn’t want people going around policing people on his behalf, and yet most fans are going around screaming in anyone and everyone’s face and are completely willing to bite off any heads of anyone with a high enough social platform that even speaks of the project(See MatPat), as well as pretty much size up any and all fans post Clown’s Announcement.

I know I made a post joking about how MatPat found out about Welcome Home and the end is nigh and stuff, but, guys, listen to this: MATPAT MAKING A VIDEO ABOUT WELCOME HOME ISN’T HIM HARASSING THE CREATOR, NOR IS IT IMPEDING ANYONE WHO JOINS THE FANDOM POST BREAK ANNOUNCEMENT. Yes, he’s a big creator covering what was a small art project turned online success, which can be stressful, considering that the creator was already stressed from Nightwing bringing attention to it, but calling him and his fans roaches and treating them like hellspawns for even engaging with it is a bit overkill. I know, MatPat ‘s judgements seem a little silly, and we all want to make sure Clown can recover peacefully, but none of what MatPat does is breaching any of Clown’s boundaries. He just made a video, like everyone else, plain and simple. Going around slapping anyone who makes a video on it/new fans with rules and regulations, and acting like them interacting with the media is toxic and impeding on Clown’s rights comes across as telling people, “IF YOU SO MUCH AS BREATHE NEAR THIS MATERIAL, YOU ARE A TOXIC, INVASIVE ASSHOLE!!! CLOWN IS STRESSED, SO IF YOU WANT TO HELP THEM, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE, AND NEVER SPEAK OF THIS PROJECT AGAIN!!!” Which will alienate people from the project altogether, and also give Clown and the Fandom as a whole a reputation of Oversensitive Pussy who can’t handle having his work out on public platforms and their EchoChambering White Knights who coddle him like he’s a toddler. Clown himself has stated that the attention itself isn’t a bad thing, just overwhelming.

This project means a lot to people, and I know we just want to make sure Clown is okay, but instead of yelling in people’s faces on what they should and shouldn’t do, we should just try to make sure that we follow these rules, with the occasional gentle reminder to anyone breaking them, instead of policing people who didn’t even do anything wrong, which isn’t what Clown wanted.

With all that said, I have said my piece. Thank you, and have a good day/night!

[hellameyers]

Rant incoming:

I'm currently in the process of moving/ selling the property I live in. My mother owns the house, I live here and pay bills, etc. With her fixed income, she's struggling to make ends meet, so she needs the money from the sale to live on.

So, as the monkey in the middle, with no steady income, trying to get my business off the ground, it's been tough. Some days, it feels impossible. I know it will likely all turn out just fine. But when you're right in the thick of it, it's so scary.

Fortunately and unfortunately, my only option, that I can see, is to move in with my mother. Which is frustrating on many levels. One, there's my cats, and her cats, which we would have to keep separate. I would have to live in her attic space. There is one window, and it'll need an Aircon in it, so no other space for cats to bird watch or enjoy the outdoors.

Plus, my two kiddos are not each other's biggest fans. So having only one space is not ideal even if it is big. I'll need to create spaces for them to hide away from each other.

While it's fiscally responsible because I won't have extra bills to pay and I can use her car since I don't have my own, we also have a kind of unstable dynamic. We either get along really well, or everything we do or say angers the other. There's like no in between. The progress I've made with boundaries is directly because of her and her need to control others when she feels out of control, and my stubborn individuality. This may be a good exercise in practicing what I preach, but I may also contemplate suicide or homicide several times a day.

I just barely made it out of my teen years intact. While we both have grown since, that doesn't mean that throwing us back in together is a good idea.

I don't know what else to do but bite the bullet. I hate feeling like this is my only option. I hate feeling like I have no choice in my own life. I'm about to be 40, and I'm moving back in with my mom. That feels incredibly embarrassing. And my siblings will never let me forget just how embarrassing it is. They already look down on me for living on my mom's property. They already think I don't have a life because I'm not married with kids, and have my own home and "career".

And now, on top of everything, I'm getting inundated with people coming in and out to view the house, while watching my escape artist of a cat constantly. I'm not getting anything done in regards to work and I just want to pull my hair out.

If you read all this, thanks for listening. I just needed to get it off my chest because part of not making enough money means I had to cut out my therapist. It's a shit show. Welcome to my life 🙃

[theartofjournalling]

Tired

Look mate, Imma just be real, I never wanted to play games. We all have it hard in life.

I've done my part and helped you as much as I can. Done things all on your terms. But I know damn well that my help is definitely replaceable, and you're not doing a good job at telling me otherwise. Way to make a friend feel invisible.

But it really angered me when you seemed to imply that I am a priority just because you talk to me more than your father.

Dude, all we talk about is you. Every time I end up mentioning something about my life, it gets lost in the abyss of our conversations, to the point where I numerously have to bring up things so you actually remember things in my life. It's no wonder you bring up Elaine when we talk about this situation. You know damn well what you're doing.

You see, I always wondered how someone who is so perceptive needs a constant reminder of the stuff that's going on in my life. It then occurred to me that some people just conveniently forget the things they don't care enough to remember.

Sometimes it's no wonder why I resort to playing games, or constantly send longer paragraphs, or even in worst case scenario, make you doubt yourself or insult you, the way I have in the past. Those are the only ways to provoke a reaction out of you so the conversation becomes equal. Haven't you noticed how readily and quickly you reply when the conversation is like that?

It didn't make sense to me before why whilst i was being optimistic, you still were adamant there would be entropy in our friendship. I'm over you, I'm done and ready to make boundaries, but of course, this shit called a relationship is meant to be two-sided. But one person wasn't really considerate of the other. Like no shit you were gonna say that, the one who lights the fire is going to smell the smoke. The smoke of complacency.

Yeah man, that's the real deal here. It's not just the making time. I feel like nothing around you. Your compliments mean jack all. it's just empty words. I already know I'm deep, creative or whatever you have to say. Apart from when I've had really really serious situations happen to me, not once have I felt like i could say "oh yeah Mason is a true friend. He'd be there for me."

These bosses of yours, or selfish people and those who are hungry for power, money you name it. They don't give a shit about anyone except themselves. You call yourself more religious now, believing in god. Preach his words, learning to love thy neighbour and experiencing love in a community that is not something you intend to make money off, something that isn't involving just personal gain to you. Having a sense of unity. That's not something you're gonna automatically get once you've "made it".

Man, I just wanted to feel respected or seen. You make me feel the complete opposite. It's not just about having "time". I've told you how to compromise, how you should treat a friend. Things I didn't think I'd need to be teaching a 25 year old man. It sucks because there are moments where it almost feels like things are getting better, and you genuinely care. But then we're back it again at square and I feel dumbfounded because suddenly I'm being your therapist with no form of reciprocation.

i have my struggles too. I was really upset more than i thought about hearing L making it into med. I know from the bottom of my heart that he is not a good guy, and I wont curse him for making it in but I know so many people in that position. I also came out to the girl who I had a feeling liked me, which was stressful because I didn't know how to go about it, and she was a cool person. Turns out I was right, and she did have feelings for me. I hate that I'm right because I always know when a girl likes me and it makes me cringe. I bet you don't even remember, but I've mentioned this girl to you already. Among many other more important things I've pretty much been upset or really happy about but yet again, just gets lost in the abyss.

I'm really worried about money too as I only have 2000 in my savings and while I've given 20k to my brother and my parents I know both are not in positions to give that back to me and so I can't really afford to enjoy myself these days. We all have it hard in life Brad. Every single one of us.

I always lent an ear and been a helping hand and I really don't think I'm asking much of you. Man, I've even been willing to compromise for things most friends would not be we willing to do. Where's my end of the bargain?

I'm not sorry that you can't profit off me, or that I'm not some business investment, since those are the things you consider productive working towards. I'm worth a lot more than that, and I think a true friend would realise and not take advantage of me.

[d6official]

K-pop’s Jae Park on the panic attack that triggered him to deal with his mental health issues

Jae Park of Day6 realised he hasn’t been doing well for a long time while on a car ride in April, when he was thinking he was going to die.

The 28-year-old K-pop singer-guitarist later learned he wasn’t having a heart attack, but was experiencing an intense panic attack born out of his struggle with anxiety.

“When you come to this … I wouldn’t say peaceful resolution, but a very frightening resolution that, ‘Yeah, I might die in here and I’m going to have to accept that,’ your perspective on things kind of changes,” he reveals.

“I realised I was putting things off for so, so long that I’d become numb to the fact that it was slowly physically manifesting. I was always a believer that you can just ride things out, even if you’re sick you go on stage and start working, and you won’t feel sick any more. Even if you have a headache, you sleep, you wake up, you feel better. I was always that kind of person. But it didn’t feel like that in that car ride.”

Now Park, who typically is known just as “Jae” in the K-pop world, is in a better place; he’s working on facing the circumstances of his life and making changes to take care of himself, including taking medication that helps take the edge off.

“I’ve been feeling a lot better, and learning more and more. After it happened I started delving deeper into the mental health aspect of what was going on with me as a person,” he says.

“[Poor} mental health isn’t a choice you make, but something that occurs to you due to your choices. You don’t choose whether to allow yourself to succumb to it, you just over time build up to the point where eventually everything crumbles down. You ignore your worries.

“You sweep everything under the rug, all your emotions, enough times for [it] to flip over eventually with everything on top of it.”

He’s since made it his aim to spread awareness of the impact of toxic positivity and of the importance of treating mental health as normally as treating physical health, because he spent the majority of his life unaware of the connection and the potential of his mental state to impact his physical health.

“It’s not something I want people to go through, so if I can do anything in this world before I leave it, let’s raise some awareness. And so if maybe someone has an episode like me, they’ll be able to look back on my interview or see through the campaign that, ‘Oh, this might be a panic attack.’

“I’ve since learned after that incident that a lot of panic attack first-timers assume they’re having heart attacks. It’s this imminent feeling that you’re going to die. On the walk home, I was crying.

“I don’t know if it was tears of joy or fear, but I just remember crying a lot.”

Why Jae Park launched his clothing line

Jae recently teamed up with charitable apparel brand Represent to launch his From Friends clothing line, one of the aims of which is to remind people that it is okay to turn to friends when they’re having a rough time, rather than always putting on a happy face and pushing emotions aside.

“I really wanted to let people know that it’s okay not to be okay. That’s what caused me not being able to function. If you’re still at a stage where you’re not sure if you’re okay, talk to friends. Talk about it, and realise you may be going through something bigger than you think.

“I’m not saying over-exaggerate every emotional hurdle you jump over, but I knew what I was doing when I was sweeping things under the rug.

“If you’re not at that point where you have to get on medication or need therapy or some other kind of treatment, you need to maybe stop what you’re doing and look at yourself real quick before you have an incident.”

Through the collaboration, Jae and Represent donated US$100,000 to the Jed Foundation, an organisation combating mental health stigma and raising awareness of suicide prevention among America’s youth. The artist grew up in California and only began pursuing a career in South Korea’s music world while taking a break from college back in 2012.

Jae wants to focus on talking about the experience with younger people, because he wishes someone had told him about the potential impact of ignoring mental health.

“‘From Friends’ was a thought that I had, that it would be more personable and relatable if the message came from a friend. ‘As a friend, I want to let you know that I screwed myself over by doing this, so this is my advice to you and I hope you take a look at yourself.’ Not the ‘yes’ men around you, your friends who are always telling you things are great even when they aren’t. Real friends will tell you when something is wrong. ‘You don’t seem like yourself these days, maybe take a step back and look at yourself?’”

Following his panic attack in the car and starting on medication, Jae said some of his friends pointed out to him he’s a bit more solemn and has a less bright personality.

There is stigma about mental health medication in this regard, but Jae feels it’s not impacting him negatively, but rather he’s able to rein in his need to be overenthusiastic and upbeat to compensate for feeling low.

One thing Jae really wants to combat is toxic positivity, which he feels he was constantly leaning into prior to his panic attack in April; he would often attempt to put on a good face and put good energy into the world in a way that’s idealised without internalising his own feelings.

He says he’s still learning to really understand the idea, but thinks it’s along the lines of not really believing something but saying it regardless to try to seem a certain way publicly, or manifesting good energy when it’s not necessarily there.

Jae feels his chosen field of work hasn’t necessarily helped the situation, and he’s grappling with that while trying to raise discussions.

Is K-pop part of the problem?

“Especially, I feel like [K-pop] idols are … supposed to uphold a standard of perfection, but that in itself I think is a form of toxic positivity. It’s extremely, extremely toxic, more than most people think. We’re role models, right?

“If we’re always picture perfect, squeaky shiny, and always for the right causes, never have an opinion [on] anything, what happens when the people who look up to us have an opinion? When they’re not squeaky perfect? If they’re comparing themselves to us, they may think, ‘My favourite singer is always happy. He’s always cheery. But I’m sad. That’s strange.’ What kind of role model is that?”

Change is happening slowly in the industry, and artists are increasingly talking about their own states of mental health. The past few years have seen several K-pop artists go on hiatus to take care of themselves. But there’s still more work to do, according to Jae.

“I think people need to be more real. I think people need to be more transparent. Mental health has become a wider known issue these days, so I think more people are open to talking about it.

“We preach that it’s okay to be normal, but it’s not something that we actually show, don’t actually act on. We preach it all the time: ‘It’s okay not to be okay.’ You see it in the songs everywhere. But I feel like the same artists who sing these songs and the same people who say these things publicly are the same people who always are perfect on the red carpet, never transparent enough to show who they actually are as a person.

“I feel like that in itself is a kind of hypocrisy. I try to be as human as I can while upholding a certain standard because I recognise and respect the culture [of being a celebrity].”

It was upholding the unrealistic standards that Jae in part thinks led things to get so bad, as he was always thinking about the perceptions of others and reining himself in.

A comment a fan made on social media about it being a good thing that he was less likely to share an opinion while speaking in Korean, rather than in English, helped him realise the intensity of what he was doing: because there is an idea that having opinions as a public person can lead to trouble, some fans of a group may not want band members to reflect their true opinions, and he had internalised the burden of that feeling regarding opinions to the extreme.

“It’s so ridiculous to me,” he admits. “That having an opinion could have any sort of connotation of being negative. I feel like having an opinion is never the problem. Having a strange and maybe immoral or unjust opinion, that’s definitely the problem. We as a society have come to a point where you can’t say anything without being judged.”

Now, he’s trying to be more forthright and earnest while expressing himself, and trying not to internalise the opinions of every random person who has opinions on his opinions, and thus has more or less stopped reading comments on social media.

“My emotional energy can be used better somewhere else, and I only have a certain amount every day,” he admits. “If people are going to hate me for what I think, they’re going to hate me regardless, so I’m just trying to be more open about everything now. No bubble of protection, no filter, no safety being on any more. If they don’t like it, that’s just me.

“I removed that filter because I thought it was one of the reasons I had that panic attack in the first place. I think I was right, because I’ve been having less and less [incidents]. Biting your tongue is necessary in many situations, but biting it to the extent that I was biting it because of boundaries I wasn’t allowed to cross, or certain opinions I was told I couldn’t uphold, that was what was hurting me the most.”

Making his own music, and the future

Following the incident, Jae spent much of 2020 not actively taking part in the activities of Day6, and focused on releasing his own music under the name “eaJ”. Through several releases, he explored his own artistry rather than thinking about what audiences want to hear, and focused on finding what he likes, trying to garner respect for his musical capabilities, and consider what he wants out of his career.

He feels like he succeeded at that, and hopes 2021 bears the fruit of the seeds he planted last year.

“Music gets my imagination going; using my emotional energy on a song or recording session, that seems like a lot more fruitful than worrying about a comment that I can’t do anything about regardless.”

One thing that inspired him to share some solo work with the world was the realisation of how much it was impacting him that his musical worth within Day6 wasn’t getting much recognition.

“We as a team are always involved in the songs, and it felt really discrediting and disheartening to hear that some members were more recognised than others. [I thought} ‘Maybe it’s time you start following your own career path and showing your own colours.’”

Three members of the band released an album in August, but Jae and the group’s other vocalist-guitarist, Sungjin, both sat it out. Jae admits that his hiatus from the band since early May wasn’t exactly his idea.

“It may be a bit of a surprise for some people to hear, but I was never someone that said, ‘I need a break.’ I was like, ‘I’ll get better.’ I was thinking, ‘I might need a little bit of time, but you guys get on it first.’ To be honest, I will be thriving, and Day6 will be, with the next album. When everyone is ready, I’ll be good.”

Overall, Jae says he’s optimistic and looking forward to a successful, healthy 2021. “I’m definitely recovering, and hopefully moving in the right direction,” he says.

source

[gowoshusoul]

Fanmade Chaos Insurgency Item: Grandmother’s Ring

(TW: themes of suicide, mentioned/implied domestic violence)

Item: Grandmother’s Ring

Size: Size 8

Type: A wedding ring of unknown era

Living: No

Sentient: No

Potential/current hazards: Can induce madness, can cause death

Location: Base Five

Reported Anomaly: Mind altering cognitohazard

USAGE

The Insurgency currently has no use for Grandmother’s Ring. 

REPORT

Grandmother’s name is an ornate, diamond Victorian wedding ring. It was a family heirloom before being collected by the Insurgency. While it appears to be nothing out of the ordinary, there are multiple written testimonies of its anomalous properties. Grandmother’s Ring should be kept in a standard felt ring box and should not be worn by anyone under any circumstances. 

If a married person assigned female at birth puts the ring on, they will be driven to madness. If a person assigned female at birth is not married, the ring will have no effect. 

If a person assigned male at birth puts the ring on, they will be strangled by an unseen force. 

The entity attached to the ring cannot be seen by anyone not wearing the ring and cannot be captured by cameras. Our only knowledge about the entity is from first-person accounts and interviews have proved unsuccessful. 

A picture of Grandmother’s ring before it was put in storage. 

ADDENDA

Below are relative journal entries written by the last person to wear Grandmother’s ring. Her skeleton was found with the ring still on its finger. Skeleton has been collected for testing. 

7/17/1841 

I’m to be married in a week's time. My dress was my mothers, though certain alterations had to be made for it to fit my figure. Ma was always a small thing. Petite and fragile, she preached that men would love me for my shape. For all the soft parts of me waiting to be slept on and hugged and loved. I would keep my husband warm at night, she told me. Her words ring true as my beloved Harry tells me I have more to love than the average woman and he loves me well. He spoils me more than I think I deserve, and I pay him back in poetry. He loves me, and he’ll love me more in my mother’s dress. White, floor length, modest with frills around the wrist and beading from foot to breast. My veil will be my own. My ring has been in the family for so long that we’ve forgotten the name of the woman that once wore it. I’m honored to wear it, and glad my sister declined to fight me for it. She doesn't wish to marry, she said. Rather, she fancies planting a garden with a close friend of hers. They can eat the fruits of their labor and that will be enough for them. I’m thankful for her decision. For the ring. 

7/24/1841 

It’s the morning of. From the moment I awoke, my hands trembled with excitement. They still did as my sister Adelia dressed my hair. She helped me in the dress and behind me I saw her eyes full of tears in the mirror. Behind her, I saw a flash of white in the corner of my vision. I’ve come to accept that I’ll meet the same mad end as my mother. Adelia will as well, but today is not one for lamenting the inevitable. Even if I’m to forget this day in my old age, I will enjoy it. I will revel in it for as long as it remains in my memory, and I will cherish my Harry long after I’ve forgotten his name. We have a love that transcends madness and forgetfulness. When we are old and decrepit, we will hold hands on our deathbeds and go together, neither of us willing to go alone. I’ve found a man I can face death with. No matter what greets us on the other side, we won’t be lonely. 

7/25/1841 

Last night was the greatest of my life. Even now, the next morning, my head is light and airy, my chest full of suppressed giggles as I awoke to his loving face on the pillow beside mine. There’s no feeling to compete with that of waking to see his face, to hear his gentle snoring as I sneak out of bed to write my love. Should someone one day in the future read my diary, know that there is love for you. Pure, untouched love you can never imagine before you feel it. It doesn’t happen fast. It isn’t like falling. It’s like sinking into a comfortable bed and having a blanket lovingly tucked around your shoulders. It’s a feeling of utter safety, of waking up on an overcast day with the gentle pattering of rain against the grass. You know you have nothing to do that day. You revel in the warmth until you realize the blanket wrapped around your shoulders are the arms of your beloved. You will feel love like this, too. All you have to do is give it the time to flower. 

7/27/1841

I never expected the madness to grip me so quickly. I awoke to the sight of Harry’s dark beard against the white silk pillow cases. At the foot of my bed, however, I saw a woman. Her hair was the color of straw, her eyes white and tearful. She stared through me, into something I can’t understand and spoke to me. Fear not. You are in danger, she said, and I am here to protect you. I whispered, so that I wouldn’t wake my beloved Harry, and asked her what danger I could be in. She wept into her palms. Poor girl, she said, you never could have known. I was frightened, so I turned to Harry and buried myself in his arms. I’m not sure when she left, as my head was in my beloved Harry’s chest. I listened to his heart until he woke. When I lifted my head, she was gone. 

7/30/1841 

I see her in my sleep. The weeping woman dresses in white and veiled with sheer lace. Out of the corners of my eyes, hiding behind my Harry. She sits at my dinner table and weeps in my bed. She warns me against my marriage and I tell her I won’t leave. Harry exudes love and passion. He wraps his arms around my waist and leans his weary head against my shoulder while I cook. I sit in his lap as I read and she sits across the room from me. She can’t see our love, or she chooses to look through it. I assure her I’m safe. I am loved, but every time she takes to drying her cheeks and telling me, one day you’ll understand. One day you’ll know. But I know now the love I feel. The safety of Harry’s strong arms and will. He’ll let no harm come my way. 

8/12/1841

I had an awful dream last night. It started at my wedding, though it wasn’t really my own. The man standing before me was not my Harry. He was a tough, rugged man with eyes of blue and hair of brown. It was curly and tousled. He smiled with his teeth bared and I woke as he slipped my ring onto his finger. As I look down at it now, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and the image of that man in my head. One look from my beloved Harry banishes any thought of him. However frightening that man was, my beloved is infinitely more comforting. He is safety and warmth personified. 

8/20/1841

She comes to me daily with her eyes red from drying tears. He doesn’t love you, she says, but I know she’s lying. I argue with her in the dead of night when I’m able to slip from my bed and join her on the porch. I don’t want my voice to wake Harry. She stood by the steps as I sat in my rocking chair. I told her Harry loves me, that he means no harm, but she won’t be swayed. She shakes her blond head and insists, Time will tell. I sit with her on my loneliest of nights, when Harry’s too tired from work to keep his eyes open after dinner. She reveals nothing of her life, but asks me about mine. I readily tell her. I try to comfort her. I tell her how lovely Harry was during our courting, how patient and gentle and kind he was. She hears none of it. 

8/26/1841 

I’m teaching myself to ignore her, though I hear her heels on my wooden floor in the dead of night. Back and forth down the hall, always stalling by the bedroom door but never barging in. She seems to have learned to respect my boundaries. I contemplate taking the ring off, though I fear hurting my beloved Harry’s feelings. I shall keep it on, as a testament to my love and a promise to her that Harry can be trusted. She whispers to me that my mother thought the same thing as my father. That she saw the same light and felt the same comfort in her own husband. But those men are different from my beloved. I tell her she has no reason to doubt him, that it’s unfair to judge him for the acts of men that have come and gone. She won’t hear me. 

8/27/1842

I had another horrible nightmare and woke to a cold, empty bed. The same man as before was in the dream. The same ring was on my finger. He took me by my hand and led me to bed. I refuses to lie with him and his face twisted with terrible anger. He took my hips in his wide hands and I relented. In spite of his anger, there was a warmth to him. A light that shines through his blackened soul and gave me hope that he might one day change. As my dress slipped from my shoulders, the dream ended. She was waiting for me by the door. Her cheeks were wet with tears. I was like you once, she said, men never change. I told her my Harry has nothing to change. He is pure and handsome and kind. She shook her head and left me. 

9/10/1841

He plagues me nightly. Every time I lay my head down, he’s waiting for me. With every night, he looks more and more like my beloved. His hair straightened and turned black. He shouts with a voice like thunder and crashes glass against the wall when I try to comfort him. I tell him I love him. He takes the words out of my mouth. Every morning, she’s waiting for me. By the door, on the porch; an apparition following me every step of my life. That was my ring, she says, but I’d already guessed that. I asked her who she was, and she replied: It doesn't matter. I’m someone else now, and I can protect you. I need no protection, I tell her, but she doesn’t hear me. 

9/14/1841

My paranoia controls me. I finally told Harry about the woman and the dreams. He wrapped me up in his arms and kissed my hair. It’s okay, he says I’ll protect you. I’ll love you in sanity and madness alike. I’ll chase the man from your dreams and the woman from your visions. I still dream of him. I still see her, but I am loved. That’s all that matters. 

9/20/1841

My beloved Harry’s support is something I never could have imagined. When I tell him where I see the woman, he stands in front of her and blocks her from my vision. He saves me the grief of having to interact with her. She still plagues me, though she never speaks. She watches with worried eyes as Harry dips me to give me a kiss, as his beard tickles my neck with his kisses. He protects me from her, just like he said. 

10/1/1841

I’m still shaken from last night’s dream. Never in my life have I seen something so horrid, a scene so disgusting. I never would have thought my mind capable of conjuring such offensive visions. I awoke with tears and my beloved was there to hold me, to whisper into my hair that he has me, that I’m okay. And I was okay, though my hands still tremble as I write before bed. 

I dreamt of the same man. This time, though, there was something wrong with him. I was timid and small, made to feel smaller by his oppressive figure. I was backed against a wall. There were hands around my throat. My lungs burned. My lips were numb as I dug my nails into his arms. As my vision faded, I looked at him one last time to find that it was my beloved Harry. I woke to see his face on the pillow next to mine. He left a bitter taste in my mouth. 

10/2/1841

I’ve had enough. I confronted the woman, cornered her in my own home as her ghostly figure passed through my walls. I asked her who she was and she burst into tears. I noticed the bruises on her neck for the first time and she admitted to me, I am the Angel of Death. I come to you as I came to your mother and your mother’s mother, to warn you of the evil that lurks in every man’s heart and carry you away from their cruelty. I shouted at her, My Harry has no blackness in his heart. He is the off-white pages of my girlhood diary where I lamented my lack of love, where I professed my jealousy for my friends as they found love I vyed for. She shook her head, but I made her listen. My beloved Harry is good and pure. He loves me as I love him. He protects me against my madness, about the madness she brought onto me. I cursed her for my undoing. For my nightmares. For the voices that live between my ears and steal my thoughts from my head. I cursed her for daring to put such a horrible image in my head and I cursed her because I’ll never forget it. Harry heard the commotion and came to collect me. Now he lays his head on my thighs as I write. I’m infinitely thankful for him. 

10/21/1842

My nightly horrors have grown too much to bear. Every night, Harry strangles me. I wake gasping for breath with tears on my cheeks. Tears that he dutifully wipes away, though I’ve learned to flinch from his touch. He never raises a hand to me, never speaks a harsh word to me. He’s always worried, always kind. He is a light in my life, one threatened to be snuffed out by the Angel’s cruel visions of the past. I confronted her again, once again on the porch so that I might not disturb my love. I asked her why she tortures me, and she tells me again that she’s protecting me. From what? I asked. She shook her head. You still don’t see it, she said. I don’t. I never will, because my beloved is not her husband. He is not my father nor my grandfather. He is a good, patient man, and she has no right to punish me for having a love purer than hers. My love is right, I said, and yours was wrong. My heart aches for you, but I have a life to live. I have love to dive into and comfort to feel. I don’t deserve to be driven mad like my mother and my mother’s mother. She shakes her head. She doesn’t hear me. 

12/1/1841

We thought the delusion was genetic. We thought the woman mom saw in her dreams and out of the corner of her eye was a symptom of living in such an old home. Ma  grew up on stories about a fair-skinned woman roaming the halls lamenting for her short life. This was before mom ever saw her. When grandma was still alive and had the mind to tell stories of her youth. She said the woman first appeared before her on her wedding day. There was an unfamiliar face in the crowd. The woman with blond hair and white eyes was crying in a church pew next to my great-grandmother, who warned her nonbelieving child of what she called the wedding ghost. I thought she was lying or crazy. I should have known better than to doubt three generations of women seeing the same apparition. I’m killing myself tomorrow to rid myself of her. Her fear and delusions, her unending scare tactics and the wailing in the middle of the night. She hovers behind my husband, my beloved Harry, and whispers over his shoulder all the horrible things he might do to me. The horrible things he wants to do to me. She never lies, she says, she never will. She claims she knows what’s best for me, but I know best. I’ve lived in my head longer than she has. I’ll put an end to her torture. I’ll die with the ring on my finger and hide my body so that no one else should be hurt the way she hurt me. She tells me she’ll accompany me in death, that she’ll carry me to somewhere better. 

I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. I curse her. 

I curse her. I pray that my body is too heavy for her arms, that she might be tied down to my corpse, that my rotting face will torture her as she’s tortured me with Harry’s. 

My love, I’m sorry. It’s too much to bear. 

[weaselbeaselpants]

Weird week behind me weird week ahead of me but I’ve done a lot of self reflection and came to the weirdest epiphany. The older I get the more I realize all my ‘problems’ with VivziePop - her thoughts on criticism;  the choices she makes in story telling; some of the people she’s worked with (not that any of that’s my business; I’m not her mom) really aren’t about Viv, but more about her fandom.

I’m speaking of the preHazbin era Viv here and as someone who’s only watch horny fish jump at the surface rather than jump straight into the Hazbin-fandom, but given my ‘noncritical’ fellow fans have told me that the Vivziefandom now is also terrible - I guess I’ll go over my experience and make the most out of what I do know.

I followed Viv in 2009 and fell off in 2013 cause I kinda just lost interest and found myself wrapped up in other fandoms. I’ve always felt amicable about her content; I could give or take designs or the way in which she wrote characters -- ((Zech represent!!!)) but it’s honestly surreal and really fun seeing this person I recognize make it big and improve so much. Like I’ve said before I am very happy and very impressed with Viv doing all she’s done in the span of TWO YEARS. wow gurl.

Trouble is, there was the particular breed of fan who really made me...uncomfortable. They felt almost possessive of Viv’s attention. They sang praises about her work in a way that just made me want nothing to do with it because I was worried if I drew those characters these people would be like ‘hey, I’M Viv’s fav artist, not you!”. They would  unironically write Viv messages like:

“you are a GOD” -- “I’m so not worthy compared to you” --“I wish I was as talented as you” -- “YOU ARE EVERYTHING AND CAN’T DO WRONG VIV”.

The kind of messages which were meant to sound flattering but, intentional or not, came off as gaslighting, like they were guilt tripping Viv about being better than them. This behavior, treating your favorite artist/internet personality like your superior and groveling like Starscream, it strikes a nerve with me; partly because I was this way with my favorite artists and influences back in the day,  but also because once I got a taste of that treatment myself I realized just how bad it could be:

There was once a girl on dA who was jealous of me because of the attention I got on my art instead of her. I told her that I wasn’t gonna stop drawing but also that there was nothing wrong with her art and she’d find her place. It was weird being put in that position where someone is very clearly upset at you but also looking for your approval.

The second was some scumball who I blocked in 2016. He wouldn’t speak to me, only write condescending, backhanded comments on my art; check on my profile daily; call me a bootlicker (cuz I took commissions) behind my back; redrew my art and would talk about me in his personal artist notes about how I ‘probably wouldn’t see this’ - oh yeah all the while he did fan art of my characters but again never spoke to me when I replied. When I finally messaged him about his behavior he said he thought I was “really overrated” and “bad for the fandom” cuz I took money and kept him from getting the love he deserved. It took messaging another person within our fandom, one I had been in spats with online before, to finally realize I shouldn't put up with that bs....

That guy who was stalking me btw did so while I was well under 1.K watchers and am still pretty obscure. Anyway, I had one guy unhealthily watching me for the wrong reasons. Just one. This is why when Viv says she “hates creeps” I 150% believe this woman and am not about to call her a liar who just can’t take criticism. Like, if you really think that, I’m sorry but you don’t know what Viv’s gone through from both her critics AND fans.

Of course, a lot of people will be like “I bet you’re just jealous and really just want that kind of attention yourself so you’re preaching to the choir”, but like...no. I am envious of just about any creator who’s the social butterfly I’m not, but, like, if I'm jealous of an artist none of that is that artists’ fault. Ever. It’s my own issues with being comfortable with myself are at stake. If I criticize Viv’s work it’s not because I see her as competition or my Squilliam Fancyson; it’s because I’m a critical fan of animation and cartoons and have my own thoughts to share on the cartoons of an artist I’m familiar with.  Jealousy/envy/mixed-admiration/godIwishthatwereme.jpeg feels are totally natural and valid emotions when you’re a creator. Envy becomes a problem when you internalize, weaponize, and scrutinize people on the basis of them being what you aren’t which -yes - some people do in the name of criticism. ((Although, I would hardly say some of the nastiest AntiViv folk are jealous as much as they are angry that this project they think is harmful is getting attention and using that as justification for some really shitty behavior of their own, which no, this post is not a part of by virtue of coming from a critical fan.))

Critique can come from either a good place or bad place; good critique can be used to bad ends and bad critique can come from a well-meaning place, and vice versa.   It’s the difference between many a criticalfan having a sour taste in their mouth regarding the Viv’s base but persisting in a critique+admiration separate of that, and this asswipemonster trying to weasel his way into Spindlehorse while also bashing Viv on a public forum for clearly vitriolic reasons. He was a creep.

So yeah um please stop insisting that every Hazbin critic is just jealous’ because a) there are people who have a past with Viv’s base and that clouds their judgement, but in a lot of cases that doesn’t invalidate their feelings or thoughts on her work separate from that, and b) I’ve seen what clingy gaslighting jealous fans are. Spoiler: they’re not so much Annie Wilkes as much as they are Tommy Wiseaus. You don’t want Tommy Wiseau following you.

Another bad vibe I really picked up on that I can kinda confirm is still probably the case now: people think that they know Viv and the Spindlehorse crew and have the right to send them shit they don’t need or WANT to be seeing.

Like, I talked with Viv once ages ago. I don’t remember what I said other than we were talking about Frankenweenie, I think. She was nice. Outside of that she said “thank you” to my comments on her deviations but that’s it. I DO NOT KNOW THIS WOMAN AND unless you’ve worked with or are a legit friend/mutual of hers, NEITHER DO YOU. But I don’t think every Vivzie stan/critic knows this. Whether it be people assuming she MUST think they’re headcanon is now canon-canon cuz she liked a comment they made; or some critic thinking they must have seriously hurt her pride because they’ve been blocked by her on twitter (or you know, maybe she and the rest of Spindlehorse is tired of getting @s and don’t have to time to read through your analysis so they’re gonna just block and move on cuz they’re busy).

Just because the creators talk with fans doesn’t mean fans are literally their best friends and have a part in the show’s direction. And yes, critics and reviewers fit that bill as well. Know your damn boundaries people.

If you find/make some kind of contribution as a viewer that’s awesome but you should never expect nor DEMAND the creator see it. The most obvious horror stories involving this and Helluva/Hazbin have been the Instagrams made by the crew being harassed by incestpedo enthusiasts, but it applies even to just @ing creators as well.

I’ve seriously had someone tell me to just take my criticisms directly to Viv and like...no. Why would I do that?

I respect Viv and the artists working with her enough to know that they’re working their asses off on an animated series and should not be bothered. I don’t want them to stop all they’re doing and reply to me. I want them to keep working. Also, that kind of logic makes me wonder how many critics Viv’s found because she found it on her own or if some obsessed fan told her about it - which is really messed up cuz if it IS just good critique you’re, again, just pestering her, and if it wasn’t critique but full on harassment WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MESSAGE HER ABOUT THAT ANYWAY? I’m sure she doesn’t need to be reminded that people drew and said really awful shit about her on Tapatalk. My point being I’m sure what people think they’re doing is

“OOOoh Viv lookitwut this person is doing in our fandom we need to ban together against this toxic behavior”

but what they’re actually doing, and sounding like, is -

“Hey Viv I know you are working so hard on the show and you’re trying to figure out where to go from here but LOOKITWHUTTHISHATERSAID. LOOKATIT! VALIDATE ME VIV AND PUT’EM IN THEIR PLAAAAAACE!”

TL;DR Viv’s fanbase back in the day consisted of everyman artists and interests but there was this one breed of fan -who I hope was just a vocal minority- that ruined it for everything else.

Call it stanning or ‘simping’ or as it’s classically known, ‘white knighting’, whatever it was it really soured a lot of people on her because of those fans.

That’s why the DollCreep drama got so bad from what I can tell. Doll and Viv had a falling out and then called out eachother online where people who took it upon themselves to speak for them starting throwing mud.

Back in the day I remember Viv used to get mad at artists for ‘stealing’ her style. I think this attitude from Viv directly has vanished but I remember it happening because one of the people she thought was stealing her style did art for me at some point and they were basically shamed/chased off deviantART by a gaggle of these really nasty Vivfans.

inb4> “VIV WAS AWARE AND STILL WEAPONIZES HER FANS THO”

I don’t know that. And honestly, where I’m inclined to believe she’d do something like that then I think Viv is really different and has improved her business and public image from her college days. I’d be very disappointed in her if she was pulling a Butch Hartman or Derek Savage, but I just don’t think she is one, k?

Viv is more self critical and aware than any of these uber protective-gatekeeping fans give her credit for. She said on the Pizzapartypodcast that she knows the Hazbin pilot wasn’t perfect; she’s been able to identify the problems with old Zoophobia; this woman knows that criticism of all kinds need to exist and from what I see she sounds like she’s trying to get used to that. It’s just, you know, when you have nasty antis badgering you, stalkers, obsessive yes-mam’ fans, opinionated shit posters, r34 artists, entitled shippers and the NDAs of a company alongside your own branded image - all that negativity, even the constructive bits, tend to clump together and you just want to scream at it so you can finish the damn cartoon already!!!!

TL;DR: PART TWO

VivziePop/mind is basically indie Tim Burton.  Her work is fun, shallow and made with love but is marketed as being for everyone when it’s really not. Parts of it I love to watch; parts of it drives me crazy cuz of reasonswhatev this isn’t a review.

BUT any fanbase where people tell me I should just “expect what’s coming to me” when I’m trying to argue against dragging creators into fandrama is troubling. People have a parasocial bond with fandoms and their creators and they need to learn when to back off.

[singulari-taee]

The Danger in Duality ｜09

COLLEGE! AU  |  ASSASSIN! AU  |  ANGST  | SMUT  | COMEDY | 15.3k

BTS X Reader

CW: Graphic depictions of violence, maybe worse than usual.

AN: This chapter is 2x longer than the others (partially why it took so long) so I hope you all enjoy this super packed chapter!

“You and your seven squad members must take on the struggles of being world-class assassins while also living as full-time college students.”

_______________________________________________________________________

       There was a moment where no one moved. Where time stood still and silence trapped all. It held you in place, incrimination and scrutiny burning under wide eyes. 

But he was like an apparition- there one moment, gone the next.

It was the slamming of the door that shot you to action. 

You rolled off of Yoongi’s body. Your feet caught in the sheets as you launched yourself onto the floor. You collided with your nightstand on the way down, but you couldn’t even register the pain. You just watched as Yoongi scrambled off the bed and chased after Jungkook from the bedroom.

You clutched your bare chest. Your heart pounded violently against your ribs. There was an agonizing pain there. It was suddenly hard to breathe. 

No.

     Your body pushed itself to crawl across the floor until you reached your shirt and threw it over your head. Your ears rang with white noise. The feeling of nausea bubbled deep in your stomach. With wobbly legs, you pushed up and moved from the bedroom to the living room. The front door was wide open.

     You ran after them, shoes long forgotten as your bare feet hit the pavement. Outside didn’t match your feelings. It was too calm, parked cars showing a tranquility you were unfamiliar with. As you ran blindly, you zeroed in on a figure. Yoongi was standing in the middle of the street. His hands were grabbing at his hair.

      “Where’d he go?! Did you talk to him!?” you called.

       “He’s too fucking fast. I lost him. I didn’t even see which way he went. He’s not answering his phone either,” he began to pace, eyes closed, “Fuck!” 

    You just watched as Yoongi kicked at the gravel, cursing into the sky. The stars felt like they were closing in. 

    “What if,” your tongue was dry like sandpaper. Your breathing was shallow, “what if he tells the others? He’s gonna...he’s gonna tell them.”

     Yoongi just stood there, eyes still closed. Suddenly he broke out laughing, “So this is how it ends, huh?”

     “He could be at your apartment right now. Or his dorm. He could be hiding somewhere, we need to catch up and keep trying to find h-”

“Stupid. So fucking stupid. Out of all the times-”

     You grabbed his shoulder and spun him to face you, “Can you fucking pay attention?! Talk to me, we need to fix this!”

“How, ____? How do you propose we ‘fix’ this?”

“We can try to explain it to him. Maybe if he understood the situation…”

“Oh, I think he saw enough to understand just fine.”

“Can you just try to work with me here?! Stop being such a pessimistic asshole for once. Help me! Help us! I don’t know what to do!”

“And you think I do?” 

You tilted your head, feeling your blood begin to boil, “Yoongi, that incident on our last mission should have been the last close call. This should have never happened. Your drunk ass should've never came over in the first place. So yes, I want you to figure out what to do.”

“Oh yeah, of course. Blame it on me, “ he rolled his eyes, “Like you weren’t all over me before he came in. Right.”

“After the cuddling that you insisted on! What even was that?! ‘I wanna stay like this forever. I like us like this.’ That refresh your memory?”

“I was drunk and just saying shit! And if my memory serves me correctly, you were reciprocating my nonsense just fine!”

“Oh, what the hell are you even talking about?!”

“I like this more than I should”. What’s that supposed to mean? You’re not innocent in this, _____. You fucked up just as much as I did. So don’t you fucking dare.”

“Neither of us are innocent! The whole agreement proves that,” you said. “But you remember what our agreement was. There was no forever. You know that Yoongi, but you still pushed the boundaries! Can you just be upfront with me, please? What is going on with you?”

“I needed a body! I was drunk and vulnerable and I needed a body, alright? Is that a good enough excuse for you? That I was using you?”

“You needed a body,” you repeated, slow, digesting it as the words left your mouth.

“That hurt you or something. Why? Weren’t we both just using each other anyways? Weren’t you using my body too? Isn’t that all I was to you? Just a body?”

He raised an eyebrow trying to pull the answer from you.

“Cut the bullshit,” you snapped, “I know what I heard you say before he came in. You wouldn’t have said it if I was just a fuck to you.”

“Even by your own rules we were just fucking, _____! I told you I was just saying shit!  And say I wasn’t. Say I meant it, what would you have to say about it?”

There was no reply. A shrug was your answer. A shitty one at that, and you knew it.

He nodded slowly, taking a single step back.

“Huh. I think...I think this was all a mistake, actually.”

You replied in a small voice, “Yeah. Maybe it was.”

Yoongi looked you over one more time, a long gaze filled with unreadable intensity. He turned on his heels and walked down the road. He paused in his stride, fist clenching at his side, but kept on. He didn’t look back.

Without your permission, your legs folded over. You crouched down, elbows to your knees. The street lights shined down on you, a spotlight in the darkness. Shudders raked your body. Tears wouldn’t come, wouldn’t caress the sides of your face. It was sick really, how not even your tears would offer you comfort.

_____________

         Maybe he should have been more considerate in case Taehyung was asleep, but in the moment he couldn’t have cared less. Jungkook burst into the room, slamming the door behind him. Taehyung watched from his bed. He stopped scrolling on his phone to look his roommate over.

“Um...is everything okay?”

Jungkook’s chest rose and fell as he tried to catch his breath. He slid against the door and sat on the floor.

“Did you at least get the gun?” Taehyung asked.

Jungkook shook his head.

“Dang that sucks. Was she sleeping? Not home?”

It was as if the sight was burned into his memory. He couldn’t shake it no matter how hard he tried. Jungkook wanted to laugh, vomit, scream- anything to free himself from what couldn’t be explained. A wave of dizziness took over him. He was glad he was already on the floor.

He met Taehyung’s questioning gaze. He felt like he would explode at any moment. The burden was becoming too much for him to bear alone.  

______________________________

             Too many times. 

Too many times were you put into unwanted situations because of your job. The list was long. There was the time you had to crawl through a sewer in Paris. Or the time you were locked in a car during a heat wave in Lagos. Or the time you had to run from cannibals in Siberia, an incident completely unrelated to the mission. 

You didn’t think the boys’ apartment would join those places on the list.

You had never missed a mission assignment, but skipping it surely crossed your mind. Though you somehow still ended up walking through their front door. You passed Yoongi and he passed you, both without a word or sign of acknowledgement. Being in the same room lit a flame of deep resentment under you. You took your place on their sofa, arms crossed and lips tight as the others filed in. You would simply do what you needed to do and go back home, you promised yourself.

“Ugh, I can’t wait for summer,” Seokjin said from his side of the sofa.

“Preach. Being stuck here is getting kinda old. Like I get it, travel is limited because of school or whatever, but I could really use an international mission right now. That’s where all the fun is,” Hoseok said.

“It’s only fun when no one gets lost...which happens every time,” Namjoon sighed. “Or when Jungkook doesn’t offend the locals...which also happens every time.”

The boy in question had just walked in with Taehyung. When you had finally mustered up the courage to call his phone after the incident, he never picked up. You had even camped out in front of his door for an hour waiting for him to answer, but he never did.

 He sat down in the farthest possible corner of the room from you. You tried to search his face for any signs, but he wouldn't even look in your direction. You could tell he noticed your staring, but wouldn’t give in. 

That brat.

 You appraised Taehyung instead, but he just scrolled on his phone, absentminded. No, he couldn’t know, could he? You glanced at the rest of the boys. They looked at you normally. Spoke to you normally. Had Jungkook told them, but swore them to secrecy? You were all decent actors. 

 “You can’t even talk. How many times have you lost your passport, Mr. Leader?” Jimin asked. Namjoon just rolled his eyes, “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Anyways! Let’s go ahead and recap the last mission, we don’t have that much time before the new assignment.”

Seokjin pulled up the database on his laptop, “Alright, since only us three went this’ll be quick. _____ how many kills did you get?”

“Two.”

“Yoongi?”

“One.”

“Okay so describe the interaction with the first target.”

“The first man-” you were interrupted.

“He was in the kitchen-” Yoongi stopped.

You refused to look at him. You kept your focus on Seokjin.

“It was my kill, so I’ll describe it,” you said flatly.

“Oh yeah. Forgot you took that one.”

The snarkiness in his tone made your eye twitch.

“Like I said in the mission, I took it because I didn’t know you had claimed it.”

“Right.”

“Okay, ____, continue,” Jin urged, typing.

You took a breath, “We found him standing in the kitchen. I slit his throat with a KA-BAR 2211. One solid stroke.”

“Pretty sure you used a Fixation Bowie, but okay,” Yoongi muttered.

“I know what I used, thank you.”

“You sure?”

“Well, they look pretty much the same, right?” Seokjin cut in, chuckling, “Continue.”

“We found the basement and when I opened the door the second target fell down the stairs,” Yoongi spoke.

“He didn't just fall. You kicked him,” you added.

“Didn’t think that part was that important.”

“Lets not start omitting information to make ourselves look better.”

“I’m not worried about looking better. It just wasn’t important.”

“You obviously cut that part out for a reason. If we all started doing that, the data would be flawed. We all do terrible shit, don’t be shy now,” you motioned to Seokjin. “And I’m pretty sure Jin could use that for his notes, right?”

“Uh, yeah?” Seokjin replied. As he typed furiously, he looked up and made eye contact with Namjoon. The leader raised his eyebrows, a silent question. Seokjin shrugged.

Though you didn’t see it, you could sense a wordless conversation happening between Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok. The energy in the room was uncomfortable.

“After that, we realized the targets were preparing a victim for a sacrifice. I shot the second target with a Glock 22.”

“Okay, for the final target, Yoongi can you describe that encounter?”

“I stabbed him with an Ontario 6504 I think.”

Seokjin looked up from his screen, “You think?”

“That’s what I said.”

Though Seokjin watched the missions, he needed the reviews to be in the words of the assassin themself, “Well can you at least tell me how you killed him? Was it a slice? A stab? C’mon give me something. I need some precise data here, Yoongi.”

“I stabbed him.”

“Okay, how many times?”

“More than 30.”

The temperature in the room seemed to drop a few degrees. Jimin whistled.

“I’ll just put 31,” Seokjin mumbled.

“Was there a reason for that?” Namjoon asked, calm despite the obvious tension.

Yoongi looked down at the floor as if he would find an answer there. He pursed his lips, “Nope.”

“Alright, I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room,” Namjoon declared. Your stomach somersaulted. “Yoongi, you’ve obviously been upset for a few days now and we can’t ignore it anymore. Is everything okay with you?”

Yoongi scoffed, leaning back in his seat, “What is this? An intervention?”

“Look, you’ve been acting really pissy lately and it's starting to get old,” Jimin said plainly.

“Is it because we saw the nudes on your phone?” Hoseok asked, “She was hot! Sorry for making fun of you, we couldn’t help it!”

You stopped breathing all together.

          “Nudes?” Taehyung finally spoke. His eyebrows joined together in genuine curiosity. “Yoongi got nudes?!”

“Yeah, can you believe it?” Jimin snorted.

You burst out laughing. It was a violent, almost maniacal sound that caught even you off guard. You couldn’t help it from spilling between your lips. You were beside yourself, unhinged as realization smacked you across the face. Your head fell back as you roared. You were seeing red. The fury rolled off your body in waves.

“Right!” Hoseok laughed with you, “It was hilarious! Yoongi didn’t think it was funny, but we all had a good laugh. You should have been there. Or not. Maybe that would have been weird.” 

“What did she look like?” Taehyung asked. 

“We couldn’t see her face,” Jimin said, “It was the classic bathroom mirror selfie, but better. It was, like, slutty meets photography final project with renaissance undertones? I’m not shaming her or anything, whoever the girl was, she was a pro. I don’t know how Yoongi pulled her.”

 “He didn’t deserve it if I’m being honest,” Hoseok shook his head, “Joon, Jin, don’t you two look like that! Don’t act like you weren't into it.”

 Seokjin shrugged, “I mean, yeah, she was hot.”

“How the hell did I miss that?!” Taehyung groaned.

“You aren’t alone. _____ and Jungkook weren’t here either. Maybe if you had stayed for the game you would have been in on it,” Hoseok sang.

The wheels turned in Jungkook’s head. It wasn’t until he saw your near hysterical reaction that it all came together. His mouth flew open, staring straight at you.

“What?” Taehyung asked.

Jungkook slapped a hand over his mouth, “Nothing. Nothing,” he said through his fingers.

You had the strong urge to jump across the coffee table where Yoongi sat. His face was burning as he grit his teeth. Still, he wouldn’t even dare to look in your direction, face the questions and mistrust that your face showed, because that was exactly what he would see. And he knew it.

You worked on taking deep breaths to calm yourself and stop the laughter. But then you would be reminded of the fact that most of the boys in the room had seen your naked body and the chuckling would start all over again.

You looked to find that Jungkook was still staring. Suddenly the laughter stopped, leaving only a blinding fury in its wake.

  Maybe if you pretended you had to go to the bathroom, you could sneak in a few punches when you walked past before anyone could stop you-

             “Well that derailed quickly,” Namjoon sighed as he checked his watch, “Damn, okay let's get started, we don’t have time.”

You didn’t even move when the hour hit and Mr. Kim appeared on Seokjin’s screen. You could hear just fine. You needed to calm down before being seen.

“Good afternoon everyone. I hope you’re all in good spirits. I have some good news for you all today,” Mr. Kim said, fingers clasped on his desk, “We have more intel on Anti. We found their headquarters.”

Your wrath quickly faded.

“You did?!” Taehyung jumped.

“It took an extreme amount of research and outside intel, but yes, we finally got it. They are still an enigma in many ways, but having a sure location is the best breakthrough we’ve had yet.”

A photo of a boarded up building took over the screen. It wasn’t much to look at, and that was surely the point.

“Look at that shithole,” Jimin whispered, “They couldn’t do better than that?” 

“They’ve made a home out of an abandoned hotel located 17 miles from your residences. All of the windows are covered so the building appears unoccupied. This also makes it nearly impossible for us to know what’s inside exactly. There’s a lot of lingering questions, but thanks to the Research Team we can confirm that they have somewhere between 15 to 30 members, all of whom are already trained assassins. We think they were all rogue at some point but came together under Anti a few years ago.” 

“Well I’m glad to know there’s more information,” Namjoon sighed.

“And it's just enough to send you on your next mission to abolish the organization.”

“What?!” Namjoon blurted.

“Huh?” you said from your spot off camera.

“I mean, so soon?” Namjoon said.

“We realize that we cannot wait any longer to attack. Any more time spent being defensive puts you all at greater risk. So with that being said, the Council and I have made the decision to go ahead with the mission. You all will be present, since we need all hands on deck. The goal is to eliminate everyone in the building.”

“Sir,” Hoseok said, “do you expect us to complete this mission alone? Just the 8 of us?”

“I’m with Hoseok on this. I don’t think it's smart, with all do respect, sir,” Seokjin said, “I don’t think we’re prepared. And there’s so many unknown factors, we don’t know what we’re even getting into!”

Unlike any of the other missions, there was an endless amount of questions with Anti. No faces. No known skill sets. No set number of targets. Just a location. You had several dangerous jobs in the past, but never were you tasked with killing other assassins. 

You pushed your way into the frame, “Can’t we get help from another Squad? That would only be fair,” you were grasping on to anything at this point, “We’ll be extremely outnumbered otherwise, sir.”

“I understand your hesitance, I do. But this is a delicate situation that needs immediate attention. The nearest team is Squad 11 but they along with the other squads would either take too long to get to the location or already have prior obligations lined up for the coming weeks.”

“When can we expect to be sent out for the mission?” Namjoon asked.

“In three days,” Mr. Kim said. You had been given far less time to prepare than that, but that didn’t seem like nearly enough time. He sensed the Squad’s hesitance through the screen. “This assignment came after a long conversation with The Council and we all agree that you are more than capable. You’ve proven yourselves worthy of the task time and time again. It seems the only ones who don’t have faith are you all. Do you not think you’re qualified?”

There was a hush that fell over the room.

          “I think we’re all qualified, Grandfather, it's just...overwhelming,” Namjoon answered.

“I hear you. Take care of yourselves these next few days. Prepare as you must but don’t strain yourselves, you need to be at your best. Also it is a known order that each individual gets a pay raise only every 50 kills...but since we acknowledge the dangers here, for a little incentive we have agreed to increase everyone’s pay by half of your current salary once this mission is completed.”

“Half?!” Jimin jumped.

“H-half our salary?” Jungkook spluttered. 

Half. Getting that much from one mission was unheard of for any squad. Though there was a sinking in your stomach. There weren’t many options, if any at all.

“Shit,” Namjoon sighed to himself. 

“Like always I’ll be sending coordinates and necessary information after the call. But because there is a lot of unpredictability, I think it's best to leave the mission direction to you. There are no assigned roles this time. Assignments will be determined on your own depending on how you all see fit.”

Mr. Kim said his final words of encouragement and bid you farewell. Some began discussing plans as the information came in while others tried to calm their nerves.

Yoongi got up and tapped Jungkook on the shoulder. Hesitant, the youngest looked up. 

“Yeah?”

“Get up.”

When Jungkook took too long to move, Yoongi yanked his arm and shoved him towards the front door. 

“I’m going, I’m going! Christ, don’t push me.” Jungkook muttered when Yoongi pulled the door behind them.

Jungkook squirmed under Yoongi’s scrutiny. He just watched him with folded arms as the seconds ticked on. 

“So...what?” Jungkook asked. Yoongi’s face read “You know exactly what”. He was right. “Okay! I’m sorry? Look, I don’t even know what-”

“Did you say anything?”

“Wh-?”

Yoongi grabbed Jungkook by the collar, “Did you fucking tell anyone?!” It was a mere whisper. Though they were outside, he didn’t forget how good everyone’s hearing was inside the apartment.

“No!”

“I don’t think I believe you.”

“I swear!” he choked back a grunt when Yoongi pushed him against the wall.

“Not even Taehyung?”

“Hell no! I mean I was going to, but I didn’t! Can you blame me after what the hell I saw?! I’m still scarred, man!”

“Are you going to tell anyone?”

“Not unless you want me to?” Yoongi tightened his grip, “Okay! I won't, I promise, fuck!”

“How can I believe you, huh? Should I pull a Jimin if you break your word?”

Jungkook winced at the thought of losing any part of his manhood the way Haneul did, “You won’t even have to go that far. C’mon, Yoongi, you know me better than that! It was better me that saw than fucking Taehyung or Hoseok. The whole university would know by now!”

“Jungkook. No one can know what you walked in on.”

“Dude, I swore I wouldn’t tell anybody. Chill out-”

“Don’t fucking tell me to chill out, this could be the end of my whole career!”

“I know! That’s why I’m so confused. How could you of all people ignore the rules? And with….____? Her tits are still burned in my brain and they won’t fucking leave!”

“Well make it leave!”

“You don’t think I tried?! I’m not enjoying this like how you might think! How the hell did you two even start, anyways?!”

Yoongi loosened his grip, “I...I don’t know.”

“You couldn’t choose anyone else? She couldn’t choose anyone else? I don’t even get how that could work. You’re both just so...you.”

“I fucked up, Jungkook. I really fucked up,” Yoongi sighed. He stepped back.

“So are you two, like, together?” Yoongi flashed his eyes and Jungkook flinched, “You know what, nevermind. The tension during the mission review said enough. If you were, you aren’t anymore.”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“So you were just...fucking?” he winced when he said the last word.

“You sure are asking a lot of questions.”

“Wow it's almost like I walked in on my friends about to smash or something, weird.”

“Just don’t say anything.”

___________________

Inside, you had gotten up to get a drink from the kitchen. Your rage had eased a bit, now replaced with nerves. You glanced towards the door where Yoongi and Jungkook had disappeared. You wanted to go outside and hear the conversation. It was your story too. But you knew it would be even more suspicious if you joined them. Could he handle it alone? It crossed your mind as a painful realization. 

Years of trust you had placed in Yoongi had begun to disintegrate in only a matter of hours.

“Hey.”

Namjoon took a spot beside you, leaning against the counter.

“S’up?” you took a sip.

“Do you have a minute?” he nodded towards the hallway.

“Yeah, sure thing.” 

You followed him into his bedroom and he closed the door.

 You sat down on his bed and fidgeted with your fingers. 

There was a level of formality and secrecy that made you uneasy. 

“Uh, so what did you want to talk about?” you asked.

“You, really,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “Are you okay? I didn’t want to ask in front of the others because I got the feeling that you wouldn’t really appreciate that.”

“I’m great. Perfect. Why do you ask?”

“_____.” he deadpanned.

“What?”

“You’re lying.”

You spluttered for a reply but fell short. He made up for the silence.

“It’s just...you’ve been really distant lately. We didn’t really see you at all last week, and I get it, maybe you just need a break. But you’re angry. Specifically at Yoongi.”

Namjoon wasn’t one to hold back for anyone. He would call out bullshit from miles away, and he had you in his sights. Damn him.

“I mean...yeah. Yeah, I’m angry at him.”

“Was it something that happened at the last mission? I know we tried to talk about it but it didn’t really go as planned. I can imagine that what you both saw had an impact on you. Especially with Yoongi...losing focus like he did with the last target.”

“Kind of,” you couldn’t even look at him, focusing on the carpet instead, “We just got into a fight. We’re not really on the best terms right now. That’s it. So you don’t need to worry about it. It won’t mess up the mission or anything.”

“I’m not worried about the mission right now, I’m worried about you,” Namjoon corrected, “I just wanna make sure you’re okay first. And if there’s anything I can do to help that, just let me know. I’m being serious.”

You looked up to where he stood in front of you. The sincerity was obvious, almost palpable. 

“Thanks for asking, Joon.”

He gave a small smile, “It's my job...as a friend.”

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in!” Namjoon called.

Seokjin peeked inside, “Oh, ____’s in here, perfect. Sorry to interrupt, but I got some good news.”

“Whats up?” Namjoon asked.

“The Academy was able to access the files from the drones and analysis will begin soon.”

       Namjoon relaxed, “Great. At least we got some good news today.”

You blinked at the oldest man, “What does that mean?”

“You know how we thought we lost all the footage from the last mission, right? Well I forgot that The Academy has a real time feed from the drones whenever I use them.”

“I’m...I’m not understanding,” you said. Though in reality you did. You just didn’t want to.

“Well it just so happens that The Academy also records the live feed that the drone takes too just in case my files get wiped. It’s always just a backup and they never actually check it because the notes I send is always enough. But since the whole thing with the police happened, they’re for sure checking it now so they don’t have to rely on just my notes and witness accounts. It's a headache really, but now it’s in The Academy’s hands.”

Bile suddenly rose in your throat. It took everything not to release it onto Namjoon’s fresh comforter. You buried your nails in your palm to stabilize yourself. You had lost track of how many times regret had taken hold of you and forced you to look at yourself. How many times dread pulled you at every corner and faced you with the inevitable. How many times fear hung you off the edge of reality and threatened to leave you there.

 The two men’s voices began to fade into the void of your own thoughts.

You were stranded there.

“_______!” you registered the voice as Namjoon’s. You realized that he had been calling you when you saw the concern on their faces. You didn’t know when you decided to stand, but you slowly made your way to the door with shaky legs.

“You look sick, maybe you should-”

“I…I gotta go,” you replied, closing his bedroom door and slamming it behind you.

______________________

      Nothing worked. 

No matter how many times you tried to sleep it off, the weight of dread carried into your dreams. School didn’t help, as every assignment just seemed so pointless. Even a pre-mission sparring session with Hoseok and Taehyung didn’t quell the torture of what you knew to be the inevitable. The two marked it off as nerves--assured you the mission would go fine, Anti would be defeated with no problem.

 If only they knew. 

So when D-Day rolled around, there was a numbness there. 

Everyone met at the boys’ apartment. The sun had set, and there was an unusual hush as everyone prepared; just quick questions as weapons were compared and packed away, then back to a rigid concentration. The squad was dressed in all black, even down to the boots and gloves. 

Namjoon rolled his shoulders back, “Let’s roll out.”

The group sat the cases on the asphalt when everyone reached the parking lot. You carried two at a time to the trunk, the weight of the guns normal now. Your squad offered help, but you waved them inside the vehicle and assured you had it on your own. When you bent down to grab the last case, Yoongi’s fingers went to take it from you. You jerked your hand back and went to put it along with the rest. You heard his footsteps follow you. 

The others had already taken their seats inside the van by then, and you wished he had joined them instead of lingering to “help”.

Before you could lift the final case inside the trunk he took it from you and placed it inside himself. Another wave of rage built up inside you, and you nearly slammed his fingers as you closed the trunk behind you. He grabbed your arm and you wrenched yourself free.

“Hold up-” he whispered.

“I don’t wanna fucking do this right now, okay?”

“I just want to let you know I talked to Jungkook, that's all.”

“Oh, did you show him my nudes too?” you seethed.

His face softened, “Look, it's not what you think! They stole my phone and saw it!”

“How the hell could they see it if you deleted it?!”

“I mean, I did delete it, but,” he sighed, pushing the words out, “I saved it to my Cloud before I did.”

Your jaw clenched, “So you didn’t really delete it? You saved them to your personal spank bank even though I told you to delete it? Just so that wouldn’t happen?”

“They were just so good I….I’m sorry,” he breathed.

“I took those for you,” the pain in your voice was clear, even more so on your face as you searched his eyes, “not them. They were for you for that one moment.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, ____,  it was an accid-”

“None of it’s gonna matter anyways. Jin told me The Academy has access to the drone footage now. Save your excuses for them.”

“What? Wait!”

You brushed past him and took your spot inside the van. Even when Yoongi eventually followed behind and took his own seat, you continued to stare out the window. 

The drive, like in the apartment, was tense. The silence was smothering, doing nothing to calm the unease that everyone felt. You were in your own head, hoping your years of combat served you that night.

An alarm on Seokjin’s screen beeped, warning him that you all were nearing the limits of a surveillance device at the Anti headquarters. With a few quick clicks, Seokjin made his devices go off the grid, untraceable once you all were within reach. 

“We’re about a quarter mile away,” he announced.

Namjoon turned to see the stern faces of Squad 16 from the passenger seat, “Okay. There’s a lot of moving parts at play in this mission, we just have to be smart about how to use them. You all saw The Academy’s memo about the helicopter, yeah?”

Everyone nodded.

“They really pulled out all the stops, huh?” Jimin sighed, leg bouncing anxiously. He was rarely nervous.

“We don’t have to use it, but since this is such a high risk mission they recommend it as a get-away opposed to the van. They said this building has an accessible roof, so we just have to get to it. Seokjin, you’re in charge of dispatching it when the time comes.”

“Roger that,” the driver said.

“Now, I know there’s a lot of uncertainty here. This mission will take a lot of stealth more than anything. Because that's your specialty, I think you should take the lead on mission direction.”

The group turned to the person Namjoon had addressed. 

Hoseok stared back with wide eyes, “Me?!”

“We’re here to support of course, but you’re the best to evaluate what needs to be done.”

“I mean...okay, if you say so,” Hoseok muttered.

“We all believe and trust your judgement. You’ve got this, you always have.”

Hoseok nodded.

The terrain suddenly changed. The flat road turned to rocky gravel as the mass of brick and wood came into view. Seokjin pulled into the shadows. From where you were, you could see the entire building and all of its boarded up windows. 

“You took care of the cameras?” Namjoon asked Seokjin.

“Of course,” he replied, quickly typing in codes as the screen flashed through several windows. “Their security is tight, but I managed to break through. I have their surveillance room looking at a pre-recorded tape of all areas now, so they can’t see us. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to keep it up before they notice, so we have to move fast.”

There was a sudden flash of light. You all sunk down as another SUV drove up to the building. It parked about 100 meters away from the van near a side door. Four figures stepped out of the car.

“Do you think they’re a part of Anti?” Taehyung asked.

“I guess, who else would be out here except us and them?” Jimin replied, “We should take them out too right--?”

“Got it,” Jungkook interrupted. He rolled down his window the slightest bit. He took the sniper rifle that had been resting on his lap, and pointed it towards them. After finding them in the scope, he pulled the trigger without reservation. Four bullets flew silently, drilling through the skulls as the unsuspecting victims sank to the ground. He could see a man in the driver’s seat looking around frantically as he reached for a gun. Jungkook pulled the trigger and nabbed him right between the eyes, “Bingo.”

“Go!” Namjoon urged. Everyone exited the van, grabbed their weapons, and made a dash towards the other car in the dark of night. 

Splayed out on the concrete, you noticed that the four limp bodies were dressed the same: black and red bodysuits with a matching mask that covered everything except their eyes. The bullet hole in them was so small, it was barely noticeable. Yoongi snatched the masks from their heads, uncovering their faces. They were unfamiliar. Three men and one woman. 

Jimin flipped one of the bodies over with his foot. Printed on the back of the bodysuit was a number. He flipped over the rest and found the same, but different digits.

“That must be some sort of identifier,” Namjoon said, “Since they cover their faces, it must be the only way to tell each other apart on the inside.”

“I think I’ve got a plan,” Hoseok said, bending down to assess the corpses, “We need to disguise as them. We’ll have to take their clothes and go inside.”

Jimin gave an incredulous look, “You think that’ll work?”

“Well we can’t just bust up in there and start shooting now can we? We have to start somewhere.”

“He’s got a point,” you said, “We have no idea what we’re up against in there. The least we can do is look the part to make it easier.”

A breeze blew over the group, as did a silence as you realized there were only 4 disguises.

“So who’s going inside?” Yoongi asked.

Hoseok rubbed his neck, “Keeping consistent body type and skill set in mind...I think me, Namjoon, Jungkook, and ________ should go. We have a wide enough range of skills to cover the bases.”

You couldn’t help but tense up.

Hoseok looked over at Namjoon for approval. He seemed to be deep in thought, mulling over the suggestion. 

“Okay. Taehyung, Jimin, Yoongi, you’ll be on perimeter security duty. Don’t let anyone out of the building or in. Kill on sight if they try. Jin will have surveillance covered.”

There was a thick, pensive silence as everyone listened, but there was no objection. Namjoon put his hand in the middle of the circle. The rest of the squad followed, slower than usual. 

“Make it clean, make it quick.” you all echoed as you did every mission. 

With a habitual quickness, you all broke apart. Seokjin dropped the dead driver next to the other bodies on the floor and took off the man’s clothes. Taehyung, Jimin, and Yoongi dragged the stripped Anti assassins to a patch of high grass. You, Namjoon, Hoseok, Jungkook, and Seokjin discarded your own clothes as you replaced them with the bodysuit. The cool night air was harsh on your exposed skin. None of the boys even dared to even look in your direction, as the five of you were down to your underwear. You rushed to cover yourself, and a voice in the back of your head gave a sharp reminder that a sports bra and panties was modest compared to what had already been seen.

The bodysuit was fitting, perfect even. The spandex against your skin felt criminal. Putting the mask over your head felt like a seal of fate. The bright red number 8 on your back was the nail in the coffin.

“Hey,” Jimin called when you were all done dressing, “Don’t be stupid. If it gets messy, leave.”

“Seriously. Don’t risk your lives for a pay raise,” Seokjin echoed, “Especially you Jungkook, don’t get cocky.”

“I’m not stupid,” he snapped.

“Just be safe,” Taehyung said, adjusting the strap of his sniper rifle, “If we all leave this mission alive, I think that's an accomplishment itself.”

“Can we just agree that if we feel like it's getting too risky, we just abort the mission?” you proposed.

That was a last case scenario that had never even been thought of before. There was never a time when you hadn’t succeeded. 

Namjoon sighed, “Okay. Fine. We’ll be in touch. Let’s go.”

You turned to walk with the three others when you caught Yoongi’s eyes. There was a lot in them, a warning, a suggestion, a plea of some sorts- though he didn’t say a thing and turned to go with his group.

The four of you moved to attach your weapons on your belts as you walked towards the side door. 

“Thanks for going along with my plan by the way...not that ____ had much of a choice being, you know, the only girl and all,” Hoseok said, shooting you a sorry expression.

You rolled your eyes, “You’re lucky I’m here to save your asses like always.”

“You’re not wrong.”

“It was a good plan, Hoseok. We trust you,” Namjoon assured.

Oddly enough the door was unlocked when you approached it. Guard up and shoulders back, you took a step inside. You were all greeted with a small room, black painted walls and bright crimson carpet. On the wall across from you was another door, the only other exit. 

“The cameras in this room can’t see us right?” Namjoon asked the earpiece.

“They can’t. The feed is still pre-recorded but like I said it won’t last long, and then I’ll be forced to put it back to normal or risk threatening the mission. I’d say you all might have a good 20 minutes before then. Their cyber security might even be as good as The Academy’s, I’m actually struggling over here to keep up.”

“Okay, we need to clear this building as fast as possible. We can’t stay too long,” Namjoon stated.

“We should split up then,” Hoseok suggested, “We’d cover more ground. 

“True. If we all stayed in the same place that would give them more time to catch on,” you said.

“I agree,” Jungkook nodded.

“Okay. There’s three floors to this building. I can take the first, ______ and Jungkook can take the second, and Hoseok can take the third,” the leader directed.

You went to open the other door, but found it to be locked. 

“Let me try,” Jungkook pushed past you to wretch it open, but it was stuck, “What the hell?”

“Wait,” Namjoon noticed a monitor on the side of the door. It read ‘Fingerprint Access Only’.

“Fingerprint? How are we gonna get through?!”

No one was stupid enough to try their own print on the screen. 

“Jin, we ran into a problem. The door can only be opened with fingerprint access, can you disable it?” you asked.

There was a pause on the other side.

“Fingerprints?”

“Yeah, that's what the screen says.”

“That isn’t even coming up in my system...I don’t see it anywhere,” he replied, panic in his tone. You could hear the clicking of keys in your ear, “What the hell?”

“You don’t see it?” Jungkook asked.

“No! I mean I can keep looking but who knows how long it’ll take? We’re already on a time crunch.”

“Shit,” Hoseok said, leaning against the wall and rubbing the mask on his face. You couldn’t see anything but his eyes but they mirrored your own dread.

“Can’t we just try and force it open?” Jungkook asked, “The four of us can make it work.”

“I guarantee it’s connected to the security system and will probably set off an alarm. That’s the last thing we need,” Namjoon sighed.

“The whole purpose of these outfits is to be inconspicuous. Breaking down the door without knowing what's on the other side completely defeats that,” you groaned.

“But time is running--!” Jungkook began. There was a beep as the door was suddenly pushed open. A tall figure stepped into the room. They wore the same bodysuit as the four of you, showing nothing but toned muscles through the tight fabric and hard eyes through the slit of the mask. 

Your squad froze, not uttering a word or breathing as they walked by. The figure gave a quick nod and continued to walk right through the side door.

Hoseok caught the door with his foot.

“We got the door open. By the way, someone just went outside through the side door,” you warned.

A light thud could be heard outside, a body hitting the floor.

“Got it,” Taehyung said.

The four of you slowly slid through the door, only to see that it led to a long hallway. The walls were equally black and the floors carpeted red. There was a sting of lights that hung from the ceiling as well as what looked like a 360 degree camera. It was empty and silent. Even listening hard, you didn’t hear a hum of voices.

“Okay. Keep in touch. Be smart,” Namjoon said in a low voice.

You, Jungkook, and Hoseok went the opposite direction of your leader to find the nearest staircase. 

Namjoon went down the narrow hall. The blackness was choking, as it felt like the walls were closing in on him, trapping him. The many rooms that lined the halls made sense, given that it used to be a hotel. He peeked into every one he passed, but came up empty. He had nearly made it to the end until he found two rooms, one directly across from the other. Namjoon looked into one, finding a room of a few sleeping figures and lines of desks. Their heads rested on them as light snoring could be heard.  He looked into the other room to find the same scene. This looked like break rooms of sorts, telling from the refrigerators and sofas in the corner. The windows in both rooms were covered by wooden planks, securely from the looks of it. 

Namjoon noticed a side door at the furthest point of the hallway and decided to investigate. It lead to what looked to be a garage. It was also empty, and his footsteps echoed across the floor. In a box on a counter, he noticed a rope. On the floor beside it, a canister of gasoline. He scrambled through a few boxes to find the last ingredient, and he relaxed when he found it: a pack of matches.

Something clicked for him at that moment.

“Hey,” he told the earpiece, “I know an even faster way to clear the building.”

“Please share,” Hoseok replied. 

“I’m going to start a fire on the first floor,” he waited for questions or objections, but there were none, “then I’ll make my way up. That way anyone on the floors above will be trapped and have to face us as the fire moves up. Either that, or try to leave the building but have to face the four of you outside.”

“So how are we going to get out?” you asked.

“We’ll just have to make it onto the roof and call the helicopter. Seokjin, be ready to dispatch them when the time comes.”

“Roger that,” Seokjin answered.

“Tae, Jimin, Yoongi, Seokjin, be on guard for anyone that tries to escape.”

There was an echo of agreement.

Namjoon grabbed everything and went back into the hallway

He slid into the first room, a ghost of his former self. At this point in his career, tiptoeing was childish. He had mastered the art of silent steps, shrinking the magnitude of his presence and aura to be undiscovered by the average person. He moved around the first room, still cautious of the few sleeping bodies as he poured the liquid around the desks. Just as quickly, he left the room and went across the hall. 

He did the same to the second break room, spreading the smelly substance around the room as he weaved between the figures. The carpet was stained, soaking with what was soon to be their demise. Namjoon heard a shift behind him, as one of the bodies began to stir. They pushed themself up, eyes showing confusion through the mask. Any normal person wouldn’t have awoken, but their senses were heightened too. They appraised Namjoon and the canister.

“Number 5...what the hell are you doing?” the masked man asked.

Namjoon ignored the question, walking calmly to stand in the doorway instead. By this time, the others in the room had begun to rise, and stretched as they tried to make sense of what stood before them. When Namjoon reached into his pocket and grabbed the match, there was a collective pause. Though that second was all it took for him to light it and flick it into the room, engulfing everything in flames. He slammed the door behind him, taking the rope and tying it around the doorknob on the outside.

He quickly walked back to the first room, where the sounds of screams across the hall had caused them to wake. 

“Why does it smell like gasoline?” one of the masked figures asked.

“What the fuck is going...on?” a woman’s voice began, stopping when she saw Namjoon’s silhouette.

“Number 5, woah, let’s-let’s think about this,” said another. 

When Namjoon lit the match, everyone rose to their feet.

 “Five don’t you dare!”

Namjoon dropped the match at his feet. The fire followed the dainty pattern of gasoline he had drawn across the room, trapping the figures inside. They went to run to the door, but Namjoon shut it. In one motion, he tied the other end of the rope to the doorknob, linking the two rooms together. Both handles jiggled violently, but as one pulled on one handle, it further shut the opposite door. It was a battle for freedom that neither could win. They were trapped.

Namjoon stood for a while to make sure the handles would hold, but reminded himself of the time crunch. He picked the canister back up and continued down the hall towards the staircase, leaving a trail of gasoline behind him. The screams carried as well.

             “The first floor is taken care of,” Namjoon announced, “I’m coming up soon.”

____________________

       The second floor was almost identical to the first-- a maze of crushing halls that went on forever in both directions.

Neither you nor Jungkook had spoken a word to each other since you split from the other two. There was a silent consensus that it was under the guise of focus on the mission. 

“I made it to the third floor,” whispered Hoseok through your earpieces.

“Anything to report?” you replied.

“Not yet. I’ll keep you all updated.”

“Now why the hell couldn’t I get my own floor?” Jungkook mumbled to himself.

It was probably a rhetorical question, but you found yourself replying in a hushed voice, “Probably because you’re unpredictable and need to be babysat. Lucky me.”

You both continued, passing several unoccupied rooms in your search.

Jungkook fiddled with his sleeve, a sign he had something on his mind.

“Hey, about the other day...” he began.

You pointed to your earpiece and shook your head.

Not right now.

He stopped and nodded.

        “Hey,” came Namjoon’s voice, “I know an even faster way to clear the building.”

“Please share,” said Hoseok.

“I’m going to start a fire on the first floor, then I’ll make my way up. That way anyone on the floors above will be trapped and have to face us as the fire moves up. Either that, or try to leave the building but have to face the four of you outside.”

“So how are we going to get out?” you asked.

“We’ll just have to make it onto the roof and call the helicopter. Seokjin, be ready to dispatch them when the time comes.”

The plan was risky- one that required perfect timing or else you’d be in more trouble than what you began with. But Namjoon was rarely wrong. No one had a reason to doubt him yet. It just meant you had to be quick.

Around the corner were two gendered bathroom doors.

“Wanna check?” Jungkook asked.

You nodded, “Be back in 2.”

Inside, one wall was completely covered by sinks and mirrors, the opposite lined with stalls. You heard the toilet flush, and out stepped a slim figure, much taller than you.

She looked at you through the mask, an acknowledgment. Her gloves were placed to the side, revealing hands riddled with scars as she ran them under the water. There was a big 13 printed on her back. You eyed the gun at her waist.

You stepped behind her, as if to brush past to get to the stall. But instead you grabbed the back of her head and slammed it against the mirror. The glass shattered, tinkling to the floor. Blood dripped down through the eye slit of the woman’s mask. Though dazed, she quickly reached for the weapon on her belt. She went to aim but you quickly knocked it from her hands, and it joined the glass pieces on the ground. You kneed her in the gut, and she doubled over for a second, but not before swiping your feet. You lost your balance, and in that second, she was able to knock you to the ground. With sheer strength alone, she held you down and climbed on top. She was far bigger, far stronger than you, and it didn’t take long to figure out. 

         She blinked furiously, blinded by the blood that trickled into her eyes. She felt for your throat, trying to wrap around it, but you landed a solid punch to her jaw.  She scratched and felt around, and you grabbed a long glass shard beside your head. You swung up and planted it deep in her neck. A few choked gurgles left her lips, and then she sunk to the bathroom floor beside you. There was no time to catch your breath. You drug her into the farthest stall and closed the door, walking past the glass and into the hall.

___________________

Next door, Jungkook was at a bit of a loss of what to do. In the men’s bathroom, there was only one person in the stall. He contemplated kicking down the door, but killing someone while they’re taking a shit just seemed extra fucked up, even by his standards.

Jungkook sighed and fixed the suppressor on his automatic rifle. Suddenly the door opened, and two more masked men stepped inside. 

“‘Sup Number 22?!” asked one man with the number 17 on his back. 

Jungkook recognized 22 as his own number. 

“Damn that’s a nice piece you got there. Need some help with that?” the other said in a tone that made Jungkook’s blood boil the slightest bit.

“You know he does. 22 can’t shoot for shit. Just stick with the tech, okay? Leave the artillery for the pros,” Number 17 winked.

Jungkook just watched as the two laughing men went into the stalls next to each other. There was a lingering feeling of annoyance, one that was soon joined by anger. It was a feeling he knew too well. 

These weirdos don’t even use names here? Jungkook thought.

He scoffed and positioned himself on the side of the line of stalls, past thoughts thrown out the window. He bent down, seeing three pairs of feet lined up. From the sound of their voices, he was able to gauge exactly where their heads were.

He pressed the end of the rifle to the plastic partition and fired a single shot. The one bullet shot through the stalls and hit the three heads. One second later, he heard the bodies hit the floor. He didn’t even need to check to make sure they were dead. Of course they were, he was Jeon Jungkook. Suddenly, he didn’t feel so bad anymore.

Turning on his heels, he stepped outside. You joined him at the same time.

Suddenly Namjoon’s voice rang through your ears, “The first floor is taken care of. I’m coming up soon.”

“Okay, we’ll wait for you by the stairs. We just cleared an area of the second floor. We might find more people if we keep looking. It's really quiet around here. It’s almost too easy.” you replied.

“Shit. Okay don’t panic,” Seokjin warned, “but I had to put the cameras back on the normal feed. So just be careful.”

You felt yourself tense up, as did Jungkook by your side. You casually turned to see the 360 degree camera hanging from the ceiling. It blinked red, and you gulped.

“C’mon, let’s go to the stairs,” you muttered.

_____________

Unlike the others, the third floor felt alive. Hoseok hadn’t run into anyone yet, but as soon as he made it up the stairs he heard the voices. He walked slowly, weighing his options as the red carpet scraped against the bottom of his shoes.

“Hey, I think most people are on the third floor,” he whispered as he walked. The camera blinked above his head, and he had to remind himself that the mask maintained his anonymity, “I might need some help soon.”

There was a sudden beeping from a speaker on the walls, and he froze in his spot. A staticky voice pierced through the hall, “Attention. Calling Numbers 5, 10, 13, and 17 to the third floor board room immediately.”

Third floor. Hoseok thought back to his path. Had he already passed the board room? What was his number again-?

“10!” called a sudden voice, “Number 10!”

Hoseok turned around. A stocky masked-man jogged towards him. Hoseok looked around the empty hall, placing his hand on his weapons belt.

“Hey! Where the hell have you been? You know what, nevermind, let’s just go. We’re already running behind schedule waiting on you and the other three.”

The man had a bold number 24 on his back. He placed a hand on Hoseok’s shoulder as he quickly guided him towards a set of double doors. He pushed them open to reveal a large table surrounded by Anti assassins. Everyone turned to the two of them, eyes showing everything from relief to exasperation. 

Everyone stood when the two of them entered the room. It was uncomfortably quiet. Hoseok went to stand at an empty seat. It wasn’t until Number 24 went to sit at the head of the long table that everyone sat. With shaky legs and a thumping heart, Hoseok followed. 

“Well since Number 10 is here, we can get started,” Number 24 said.

“What about the rest?” someone with a shrill voice asked to Hoseok’s left, “Shouldn’t Number 13 be here? She’s not answering her radio.”

Someone else snorted, “Fuck 13. Last time I checked she was taking a dump. She can catch up on notes later.”

“Alright,” Number 24 called. Everyone’s attention snapped to him and grew quiet, “We’re running behind so let’s just begin.”

He grabbed a remote and switched it to the projector, which shined with an image of a checklist. Hoseok quickly read through the unfamiliar phrases. The information gave him no leads.

“Number 11,” called 24 from the head of the table, “What’s the update on your mission?”

Hoseok followed his gaze to see a petite girl sitting at the farthest corner of the table, arms folded. He still couldn’t shake how weird the numbers were. No one was more than a digit there. It made him uneasy, and a chill threatened to rake up his body. 

The girl, Number 11, scoffed, “Update? What do you want to know?”

“Did you do it yet?” another man chimed in.

“Not yet,” she shrugged.

“Of course not, she’s been working on this for months,” said another, “You have one job, why’s it taking so long?”

Number 24 strummed his fingers on the table, “I’m starting to think you’re incompetent, 11...or scared. I’m not sure which is worse, honestly.”

       “Listen,” she laughed without humor, “don’t rush good work, okay? It’ll get done.”

Number 24 sighed, ready to continue when the room was suddenly washed with a neon orange light. An alarm came after, blaring out of the speakers.

The group looked around, confused.

“Isn’t that the fire alarm?” one of the men asked.

“F-?” the man next to Hoseok began. Though Hoseok had already pulled the pistol from his waist and planted a bullet into his skull. He turned and shot the man on his other side. Both crashed to the ground. Without a moment to pause, Hoseok ducked under the table. He didn’t have to look to know it was coming, it was expected. He felt a bullet whiz past his head. The room erupted into chaos, swirling with questions and bullets. 

He quickly grabbed the underside of the table and pushed it to its side like a wall, separating himself from the rest of the room.

“I need backup!” Hoseok called to the earpiece, “I’m in the 3rd floor boardroom!”

“We’re on our way up now! Just hold out!” you replied.

Two bullets shot through the table, and Hoseok ducked and fired a few of his own over the table. He heard a grunt and heavy thud. It was an all out war zone, as gunfire filled the space. Hoseok was close to the door. He contemplated an escape when the wood of the table suddenly split in half. 

One of the masked figures had kicked through the table, and before he could react Hoseok was thrown against a wall. The man lurched his foot in Hoseok’s gut, and he doubled over as the breath was knocked from him. Hoseok grabbed the knife in his belt and dug it deep into the Anti assassin’s thigh. Though, there wasn’t a reaction. Not even a cry of pain. Hoseok searched the man’s eyes, and even as his leg bled, there was a look of amusement there. He pulled back his fist and punched Hoseok square in the cheekbone. For the briefest moment, Hoseok saw stars.

He regained himself, wrestling with the man when he saw a glint in his periphery. He ducked, and a second later the man’s hold on him stilled. He coughed a few times, and fell to the floor. Hoseok saw a blade, lodged in his back, meant for him instead. 

He immediately grabbed the door handle and launched himself into the hallway. 

He heard the footsteps trailing after him, and he turned and fired back as the hallway was sprayed with bullets. As he ran, a sharp pain pierced through his shoulder. He stumbled, pushing himself to run faster as he turned down another hall.

Hoseok touched his burning shoulder, finding his hand bloody when he pulled it back. 

“Shit,” he breathed, inspecting the bullet wound. 

The footfalls continued, nearing closer. In the short hallway was one of the few windows he had seen in the entire building. It was boarded up lazily with wooden planks, and Hoseok rushed to kick into them, ignoring the pain in his arm as his body jolted. When he managed a hole big enough for his body he peeked through to see what awaited him below, and paused. Directly under the window was a lake, about a 50 foot drop. His heart plummeted. Just looking at the still black water below made him nauseous. There had to be another way, he thought. He searched for another room, another hallway, anything but the dark water awaiting him. But as the footsteps neared he knew he had no choice. 

        His heart stuttered. 

     Hoseok sat himself on the window sill, ears ringing as the footsteps drew nearer. The next moment he jumped, sinking into the abyss. 

____________________

Outside, the boys secured the perimeter of the square building as they were told. 

Jimin and Yoongi shared one side. They crouched in the brush, staring up at the blocked windows.

Jimin fidgeted with the sniper rifle in his lap. He was so used to being in on the action, hearing everything play through his earpiece only made him yearn for it more.

Yoongi sat by his side, silent as usual, staring up at the seemingly abandoned building. He could see a slight glow from within, a sign that Namjoon’s fire had made its way up to the 2nd floor.

        “Say something, you’re making me nervous,” Jimin blurted out of nowhere. Yoongi turned to him, an obvious question in his expression, “It's like I’m out here by myself.”

“Well you’re not.”

Jimin sighed. The glow of the fire made his anxiety skyrocket. Namjoon usually had good ideas, but this one was so wild, so unpredictable, he had to think twice, “You think they’re okay in there? No one has checked in in a while. I still think we should have gone inside.”

“Nothing we can do about it now, right?” Yoongi shrugged, “We couldn’t have gone in even if we wanted to.”

“Well yeah, but come on. This is Anti we’re talking about, how can you be so lax?” Jimin asked, appraising his squad mate in the darkness, “Are you okay? I’ll apologize for what happened with pictures again if this is what it’s about. I messed up-”

“Let’s focus on the mission, yeah?”

Jimin deflated, “Yeah. Okay.”

_____________

On another side of the building, Taehyung had set up his post. He laid flat on his stomach, peering through his scope at the glowing windows. He had the entire front side to himself as the best shooter in the outside group. The square building would have been divided evenly among the four men if the back side was an option, but they realized that it was guarded by a lake. No matter how good they were, no angle would allow them clearance of that side.

Through his earpiece, he could hear scattered conversations. The silence of outside was haunting, especially as he knew the hell that wreaked within. The orange glow grew brighter, and he heard the screams ringing from the second floor. 

“Have you had any escape on your side yet, Jin?” Jimin asked.

“Nope,” he responded. He was still parked by the side door in the Anti van, “and I hope it stays that way, too.”

       “What about you, Tae?” Jimin asked.

As soon as the question was asked, there was a loud crash. Above him, was a wooden plank hanging from the second floor window. It was kicked out by three figures. Their silhouettes were all Taehyung could see. Behind them, the fire raged as they prepared to jump to the ground below. Though they didn’t get the chance. In a split second, Taehyung zeroed in and fired three shots. The Anti figures went limp and tumbled out the window, falling into the overgrown hedges below. 

“I just got three from a second floor window!” he called. 

“Shit, they’re actually getting out?!” Seokjin asked.

“Just keep your guards up!” Jimin said.

With the window being open, all of the maylay was released into the stillness of outside. The fire shined brighter, consuming the building from the inside. 

Taehyung watched, mesmerized, “Hey, this fire is getting intense.”

_______________

From the front seat of the Anti van, Seokjin continued to watch the cameras. The glock in his lap was heavy, and he ignored it as he watched the screen. Taehyung’s update made his anxiety soar. The building was boarded up for a reason, how were they escaping? Then again, they were on surveillance duty for a reason as well, in the scenario that there was a hole in the plan. 

How he wished there wasn’t one. 

“Shit, they’re actually getting out?!” he asked stupidly.

 He cursed to himself, rubbing the mask in exasperation. His screen had a view from the security cameras inside. The first floor’s feed went down several minutes before, and the second floor’s were covered with puffs of thick gray smoke. The cameras were his connection to the mission, and without them, there was a sense of blindness he felt. A sense of helplessness.

In his periphery, there was a flash of light. From his side of the building, he saw the boards fall as two shadows followed. They jumped, landing squarely on the grass as they made a run for the van on the treeline. 

They wretched the door open, throwing themselves in the back seat and shutting it behind them. Their masks were scorched, exposing red faces and burns to Seokjin through the rearview mirror. 

“Drive! Go, go, go!” one man with long stringy hair called.

“Fucking go! We need to go to the secondary base, now!” the other with singed eyebrows yelled.

“Secondary base?” Seokjin repeated to himself.

“Are you fucking deaf?! GO!” one of the men lurched forward and grabbed Seokjin’s shoulder with hot fingers. 

Seokjin’s reflexes took over. He took the gun in his lap, turned around, and fired two bullets. The man let go of Seokjin as he was knocked backwards, bullet in his head. The other slumped down against the seat. His eyes darted frantically as he touched the hole in his chest. He looked up at Seokjin, confusion there, before he and his eyes went still.

Seokjin’s head rang. The metal in his hand was hot to the touch. He dropped it into the passenger seat, staring at the bodies in the back.

“Fuck…” he said, “Fuck!”

“We heard gunshots. Are you okay?!” Yoongi asked.

“Yeah…” he relaxed against the headrest, “Two escaped and got in the van. But I handled it. It’s over.”

There was a silence on the other end.

“Handled it meaning you…?” Jimin asked.

“Yeah.”

“Damn.”

“I need backup!” came Hoseok’s sudden voice, “I’m in the 3rd floor boardroom!”

“We’re on our way up now! Just hold out!” you replied soon after.

It snapped Seokjin back to the present. He turned to look back at the building and froze. In those mere seconds the fire had grown tenfold. It seemed to climb up slowly. From his view he could see it begin to make its way to the third floor.

“I think I’ll have to call the helicopter sooner than expected.”

______________________

The orange lights of the fire alarm were blinding. The heat beneath your feet put you on edge. Suddenly, everything felt extremely hellish.

The fire was coming, steadily rising since Namjoon had started it around 10 minutes before. 

It had been noticeable to you and Jungkook almost as soon as it had begun, but slowly it became more intense. Though the 2nd floor hallways were bad, you realized the stairwell was even worse when you went inside. It was stifling, choking, as if all the heat were trapped in the small space. Namjoon made his way up, and you noticed the beads of sweat on him through the eyeholes. It felt as if the three of you were baking.

You all kept a calm demeanor, aware of the blinking camera recording your every move from the ceiling.

“I think it’s climbing fast,” Namjoon said loud enough to hear over the alarm.

Lightly, there were the sounds of footfalls and voices outside the door, approximately seven. From the clumsy steps, they seemed frenzied and confused. 

The door to the stairwell suddenly opened and an Anti assassin stepped inside.  

“There’s a fire on the first floor! It already took over some of the second!” he panted.

Namjoon looked up at the security cameras, then back at you. A weighted question.

Jungkook stepped towards the man, blade in his hand before lurching it into him. 

He sank to the ground, unmoving.

The camera still blinked red.

“Oh, come on!” you screamed, nearly snatching the mask off. 

“What?! Isn’t this literally what we came here for?”

“The camera, dumbass,” you said through clenched teeth.

Jungkook spared a glance up and froze, remembering.

“Shit.”

There went your anonymity.

“We need to get moving,” Namjoon interrupted.

“Well shouldn’t we take out the rest on this floor first?” Jungkook asked.

“No we’re running out of time, we need to keep going! They only have two escape options. One being to follow us up to the third floor where we can take them out later, or try to escape out a window and get handled by the snipers. It’s not worth the trouble.”

“I need backup!” called Hoseok through the earpiece, “I’m in the 3rd floor boardroom!”

         “We’re on our way up now! Just hold out!” you replied.

          The three of you ran up the stairs to the final floor. The echo of the alarm made it hard to hear your own thoughts, and you fought the urge to cover your ears.

Opening the door, the 3rd floor hallway was surprisingly crowded. You did a quick count, 10 in total. They stood around, weapons drawn, frantic conversation spinning. 

Over the alarm came a muffled voice- an announcement, “SECURITY BREACH! SECURITY BREACH! INFILTRATORS POSING AS NUMBERS 5, 8, 10, AND 22!”

There was a split second of apprehension and cohesive confusion. You used it to your advantage. Grabbing the blade in your belt, you launched it into the esophagus of the figure next to you. 

The second after, hell broke loose.

The man tried to swipe at you, fighting for breath with bulging eyes. You pulled him in front of you, an effective shield as a flurry of knives came flying your way. As you held him up, you threw your own blade. A woman charged at you, and the knife landed squarely in her head before she fell to the carpet.

Beside you, Namjoon ducked as an identical figure swung at him. The punch missed. Namjoon sprung up, using his knife to swipe his attacker’s stomach. There was a squelch as the man’s innards hit the floor. He heard fast approaching footsteps. Without missing a beat, he turned and pointed his gun at the new opponent. There was obvious fear as the second man looked at the empty shell of his comrade bleeding on the floor. Namjoon couldn’t make himself analyze the humanity of the situation, though he debated it. It would make things harder than they had to be. He pulled the trigger and watched as he joined the other man in the heap. 

Blood coated the walls, unseen through the black paint. 

On the other side, Jungkook began to run. As planned, some turned to follow him, two in total. It wasn’t as many as he had hoped, but it was all he could do to lessen your load. 

He skidded as he turned corners, trying his best to get some distance between them. Over the alarm, he could hear commotion coming from inside one of the rooms. He could feel energy, sense the aura of life inside. Jungkook kicked down the door, showing a room full of screens. A single woman sat at the monitors, microphone before her lips through the thin mask.

In one sweep, he knew exactly where he was.

The surveillance room.

Jungkook noticed the apprehension in her eyes, the moment of wonder behind his identity. It seemed like in the final moments she came to the right conclusion as she reached for her gun, but he was already one step ahead. He fired a shot, and she slumped against the keyboard. Blood spread across the buttons. 

As Jungkook took a moment to collect himself, there was a sudden, splitting pain in his back. It was so random, so unexpected Jungkook thought he might be imagining it, but it stayed. He felt behind him and pulled a knife from between his shoulder blades. 

It was a shallow wound, the result of a lack of commitment. He looked up to see a single masked man in the corner of the room, hiding in the shadows just feet away. 

He hadn’t checked the whole room.

When he heard approaching footsteps, he yanked the man to his body and put him in a headlock. The feat was easier than expected, as he did nothing to resist. Against Jungkook’s chest, he could feel the man’s frantic breathing. His body felt almost frail. 

He probably only worked in this room, Jungkook imagined. He’s probably like Seokjin. He doesn’t have the same combat skills as the others. 

In the next second, the two assassins that had been following Jungkook appeared in the doorway, guns drawn.

Jungkook had his own ready, but placed it to the man’s head

“Try anything and your friend is fucking dead!” he said.

Without hesitation, the room was sprayed with sparks as bullets hit machines. Jungkook’s eyes went wide, surprised as the man he had been holding was shot in the chest. A bullet pierced Jungkook’s arm, and he dropped the dead man on the floor as he hid behind a rack of computers. 

He watched the blood flow from his left arm nonstop. He moved his fingers, glad to see he still had mobility. It burned. Similar to touching the wrong side of an iron. Jungkook had shot a lot of people, but never in his life had he had that fate dealt back onto him.

He assessed the room. The concrete walls created a lot of ricochets.

Of course. He could work with this. 

It took him a second to figure out the angles. It was a lot of geometry and hope but that was all he had. Jungkook fired two shots at the wall next to the men. 

The bullets hit the wall and in the next instant, ricocheted and ripped through their brains.

They didn’t know what hit them, unable to process the quickness of their own lives as it was taken away. 

Jungkook pushed himself up from the floor where he hid and rushed to the door. He shuffled along, the gnawing pain in his arm and back slowing him down. When he turned down another hall, he saw a dead end and several broken wooden boards. Looking at the adjacent window, he knew they had been ripped from it, a desperate means of escape. 

He went to the window and saw the endless black abyss of the lake below. If he expected anything, it was to see an Anti member floating there. Instead, he saw a bobbing head and flailing arms. Jungkook’s stomach sunk when he realized he knew that face. It was one he had seen too many times in the same situation. One of terror. One of unsolved trauma. 

“Hoseok!” Jungkook screamed.

He climbed through the window and launched himself into the water three stories below. It was freezing, a shock to the system as his body screamed at him to stop. It tried to fail him as he swam towards his squad mate. He held Hoseok’s weight with his injured arm as his legs tried to make up for the work.

“You okay?!” 

“Hel...helicopter.” Hoseok said.

Jungkook followed his gaze up to the sky to see the helicopter above them.

“Hey!” he screamed, “Here! Down here! Hurry up!”

A ladder dropped down and dangled above them. Jungkook pushed Hoseok up first and then followed. It took all his strength to hold on as they were pulled up.

He looked down at the building as he was suspended in the air and his mouth fell open. The fire had enveloped most of the third floor. The gunfire rang on.

____________

The inside had cleared out significantly. You remained in the same hallway, narrowly avoiding the bodies that covered the floor as you fought. 

It had been with the same girl, Number 11, for what felt like minutes, though it couldn’t have been longer than one. She was small, thinner than you. Her bodysuit hugged her frame in a way that allowed you to see the hint of her ribs. It should have been easier, you thought. A quick kill then on to the next, but she was resilient. She held a sly raw power, a surprise that was unseen until provoked.

 You felt a hint of fatigue in your chest, but you pushed through.

All you could see was her eyes, a wild ferocity in them that kept you alert. With every punch you threw, she returned it. It was a never ending cycle, a game that neither were willing to lose. There was an intimacy in it that even you recognized. It held a rhythm, as if you two were dancing and there was no one else in the world. 

In a change of pace, she reached forward and slung you into the wall. Number 11 quickly reared back the knife she had been holding and threw it. It dug into the wall beside your head. The girl ran straight at you, and you reared back your leg to kick her straight in the stomach. Though Number 11 was quick, and pulled you by the leg towards her. She used your momentum to slam your head into hers.

You saw white for a moment. It was a confusing pain, and in your daze you reached behind you to grab the knife stuck in the wall. You slashed it forward and felt it connect. Though as soon as it made contact, you knew it wasn’t enough.

There was a cut in her mask from the bridge of her nose to her jaw. The mask was ripped, but held so tight to her face that it didn’t let any of her features show. You knew it was deep, and her eyes told you that she knew it too. 

She reached up to check the wound and let out a scoff- a dark, humourless sound.

You noticed the silence of the hallway and realized it was empty. Namjoon was nowhere in sight. You scanned the bodies on the floor, hoping you wouldn’t see his number and silently celebrated when you didn’t.

That moment of rest let you reevaluate your situation. There was a panicked yelling in your ear.

“Get the hell out of there, what are you doing?!” came Seokjin’s voice. He had been screaming the advice for minutes but you didn’t notice over the maylay around you. 

“_____, do you hear me?! Leave the fight! Just go! We need to go!” Namjoon said, “Seokjin, where’s the fucking helicopter!”

“On the south side of the building near the lake! All of us are already inside, we’re waiting for you!”

“Hurry up! The fire is getting too crazy, you’re going to be trapped inside!” came Taehyung’s voice.

In your periphery you saw Number 11 swing again, snapping you back into the moment. Though you didn’t retaliate. Instead you turned to sprint away in the direction you had seen Jungkook go earlier.

“Joon, where the fuck are you?!” you screamed over the alarm. For the first time, you noticed the black puffs of smoke that clouded your vision. You began to cough.

“I found the hatch! I need backup! Keep following the halls!” 

In a stroke of luck you found him. He was surrounded by three other men. They all looked like they wanted to get the door on the ceiling open, but wouldn’t allow Namjoon to be the one to do it. None of them had guns, you noted.

You rushed in, breaking through them as you covered for your leader. Namjoon hurried up the ladder, using brute force to try and open the hatch. He was an open target, and you had your gun trained on the men that tried to get past.

“If you want to burn in here don’t you fucking dare,” you said. The smoke made you choke on your own words.

“I’d rather burn than let you fuckers out-” one began.

You shot him point blank. 

You readied to empty your clip on the others, but there was a rush of air as the door was opened.

“Let’s go!” Namjoon shouted as he climbed up.

You rushed to follow him, feeling the men on your heels. The night air enveloped you, shocking like water from a cold shower. 

Just up above was the violent whipping of helicopter blades. The ladder dropped down and Namjoon grabbed on. He rushed to climb up. He was already inside when he looked down and realized that you weren’t right behind him.

“_______!” 

You were still on the roof fighting a three on one deathmatch. 

“Go back down to her so she can get on!” Namjoon yelled at the pilot.

He shook his head, “Someone is shooting at the cockpit! If I get any closer then we’ll all be in danger.”

Namjoon looked down to see a female figure that wasn’t there before. She was aiming up at the helicopter as you fought the other two. He could see their numbers from where he sat: 11, 24, and 25. 

Yoongi held onto the back of the pilot’s seat, “Let us back down!”

“It’s too dangerous right now, please wait a little bit!”

“We don’t have a little bit!” 

Taehyung got into a kneeling position, preparing his aim as he looked through his scope.

“Wait!” Seokjin warned him, “Look, the ceiling is caving in!”

To the group’s horror, he was correct. Farther away, chunks of the ceiling fell into the building, revealing the sheer hell beneath. The pieces grew steadily, approaching the area where you stood.

“She’s gonna fall inside…” Jimin said, trance-like.

“_______! Forget it! Come the fuck on!” Jungkook screamed from his place on the helicopter floor.

“It's collapsing!” Yoongi followed.

You looked around, breaking from the fight to see the holes around you. The flames licked up, soaring past you to the sky. 

You had only managed to temporarily paralyze the two men. They sank to their knees as they held onto their shins. You readied to end them when the boys’ cries told you not to.

Forget it.

In a split second, Number 11 turned her gun on you. Before she could fire you grabbed her hand, twisting it until you heard a snap. The gun clattered onto the floor and fell into one of the fiery holes. With her free hand, she desperately clawed at you, hands going to where your hair should be. She grabbed onto your mask, wrenching off of your face. For the first time since the mission started, you were exposed. She paused, an expression that you couldn’t understand. You took that pause to roundhouse kick her in the head. 

You ran towards the helicopter ladder. As you neared, you realized that it was much farther than you expected. It was several feet away from the edge of the roof, the lake below. 

Launching yourself off the roof, you jumped. By some miracle, your fingers caught the last rung. You dangled in the air for a bit, struggling to pull yourself up as the boys screamed down at you. 

There was a sudden weight on your legs. You nearly let go all together. You looked down to see Number 11 hanging from your ankles. As you swung from the ladder, you struggled to keep steady. Your fingers were cramping. You felt like your body was being torn apart from both directions. She gripped your legs tight, her wild kicking only loosening your grip. After much struggle, you freed one leg and rammed it into her nose. She let go, and plunged into the black water below. 

You finally climbed up, several hands pulling you inside the helicopter. You crawled to safety, knees raw until you finally fell flat onto your back. 

You breathed in deep, catching a rhythm within the whir of the blades. Though everyone was accounted for, there was still a frantic energy. You pushed yourself up and noticed  Jungkook and Hoseok’s bloody bodies.

The small medic team surrounded them. Their bodysuits had been cut off, exposing the extent of injuries. Blood trailed from Hoseok’s shoulder, and he winced as the medic dug into the wound with tweezers. Jungkook bit his lip, face red as he fought back a scream as two medics attended to his arm and bare back.

“What happened?!” you asked. You felt an inexplicable shame.

“Shot,” Hoseok breathed.

“Shot and stabbed,” Jungkook followed. A single tear fell from his eye, and he rushed to wipe it away. “It fucking hurts, that’s all,” he muttered after seeing your face.

“A-are they okay? Are they gonna be okay?” you turned to the medics. They gave rushed reassurances as they worked, talking about missed tendons and no long-lasting damage. 

“Dammit!” Yoongi said.

He and Namjoon looked out the window at the fiery blaze in your wake.

“They escaped. The last two on the roof just jumped into the water before the roof collapsed. I saw it.” Namjoon said.

Jimin sat down opposite you, holding his face, “We failed.”

“No...there’s no way.” Seokjin tried, “After all that? How can we call it a failure?”

“We didn’t clear the building. There were still three left.”

“Oh, come on-!”

“He’s right. By Academy standards anyways...we didn’t get all of the targets. We failed the mission,” Taehyung said.

Everyone sat with those words for the rest of the ride. Never in your careers had you failed a mission. It was always a sure win. It was given that you would handle anything thrown your way. You used to be dependable like that. 

The bloody bodies, torn spirits, and aching egos inside the helicopter felt that word more than ever.

       Failure.

________________

The very fact that you all had to carry on with your lives felt like a sick joke. The other squads could sulk in their anonymity for a while- something you envied. Though, school and a semi-regular 20-somethings life was what you all wanted, and you had to remember that.

Yet another thing you all could only blame yourselves for. 

Going back to classes was nearly impossible, but you shuffled on through the bodies and lectures regardless. This was something no amount of coffee or sleep could solve.

The night after the mission ended, the squad just stayed over at the boys’ apartment. There was something about being alone afterwards that no one could handle. Hoseok and Jungkook stayed behind with the Academy medics to watch over their wounds. The remaining six of you sulked in the living room until the sun rose, seering guilt resting heavy on your hearts. 

Even when you finally made it to your own apartment to get ready for classes, the place was silent. Luna was nowhere to be found, and you were grateful. You could deal with your fatigue alone. 

After classes were done, you made a beeline for the door. The fresh air wasn’t the refresher you hoped it was, and you held your jacket tight as you walked across the courtyard. 

There was a small crowd of boys handing out flyers on the lawn. One turned to you and waved. In your sleepy haze you ignored him until he fully registered. 

He jogged over, eyes equally tired and defeated. His smile told a different story.

“Hey,” Jimin said.

“Hey,” you repeated. An awkward silence followed, and you shifted feet as you looked at everything but each other. “Frat event?” you asked, motioning to the other boys.

“Yeah, we’re promoting our next mixer,” he said. 

How he was able to smile in people’s faces all day and not fall apart, you had no idea. You would always respect that about him.

You felt him looking you over, “What?”

“You want to be my date or…?”

“Or.”

“C’mon!”

“Is that even a surprise?”

“Not really,” he shrugged, “But just know, babe, I’m only joking around. If I actually tried, you’d already be mine. Don’t forget that,” he winked.

He expected more from your reaction, but you simply looked across the yard at the other students. 

“Hey,” he said, voice lower, “is it the mission? I know we failed, but we still did our best, you know?”

You just nodded, still staring off into space, “Yeah.”

“Jungkook and Hoseok are back.” He tried again. “I don’t know if you saw in the groupchat, but they were discharged this morning. They’re recovering pretty well.”

“Yeah, I saw,” you said. “I’m glad. It’s great news.”

He squinted at you. He sat in the silence for a while before finally pulling you into a hug.

Your first instinct was to push him away, but the warmth and sincerity melted you. You hugged him back, holding each other in the middle of the lawn. You weren’t the first to let go, he was. He held you by the shoulders and gave a smile. Not the Frat Boy smile, not the Playboy smile, but one so genuine it startled you.

“Get some rest, okay?”

You nodded, “You too. I’m serious.”

He put two fingers to his head in a solute and walked back to his group.

The road back home was a bit more peaceful. You felt lighter. You rolled your shoulders back. You couldn’t wait to drown your sorrows in a shower and smother it within your sheets.

In the back of your subconscious, you felt a lingering anxiety. You kept your eyes forward, scanning your surroundings until you landed on something behind you. You were being followed. It was some sort of big vehicle telling by the sound of the wheels. You kept a steady pace on the sidewalk, and the car sped up until it parked right beside you. 

You turned to see a black SUV. 

The back window rolled down, and your heart fell through your stomach. 

Mr. Kim smiled at you. In the seats alongside him, Namjoon and Yoongi’s heads hung.

“Good afternoon.” Mr. Kim opened the door. “Come on. Let’s take a ride.”

Previous 

[turtle-steverogers]

Don’t Take This the Wrong Way

Wrote this the other night on ao3 and wanted to post it here

During their hunt for Bucky, Steve and Sam take to cuddling for comfort. Bucky sees and naturally, he's got some feelings about it.

Ship(s): Stucky, platonic Sam & Steve

Warnings: none i dont think?

-

They’re in a motel room somewhere in Tucson when Steve finally relents. Admittedly, in the month that he and Sam had been searching for Bucky, his sleep schedule hasn’t been so good.  He’d been spending his nights tossing and turning, maybe dozing off for short thirty minute spurts here and there only to jolt awake with images of Bucky in the awful looking cryo chamber from the Winter Soldier files flashing in his mind. Usually he’d give up around 5 am and go for a run, then find him and Sam some breakfast. Given the nature of the serum, he was generally functional without substantial sleep.

But now, as he lies in bed, watching lights dance across the ceiling from cars passing outside, he’s just plain exhausted.

He rolls his head to the side, peering through the darkness to where Sam is sprawled out on his bed, arms tucked behind him under his pillow. The idea had been stewing in his mind for a couple weeks now; ever since Sam had reeled him in for a hug after he’d trudged his way through Bucky’s files and he’d honest to god collapsed at the contact, to which Sam had grimaced and murmured something about his “touch starved ass”. Which had gotten him thinking: human contact-- pleasant human contact-- sounds fucking amazing right now. And he hasn’t really had any since the war where it wasn’t uncommon for the Howlies to curl up with each other on cold nights or after long days of shelling. And then there was the matter of Bucky and what he and Steve were to each other. So yeah, in those days, kind contact with another person was never in short supply. 

Steve misses it. And maybe, just maybe, he might be able to sleep through the fucking night if he could get some. 

It’s not like Steve thinks Sam would be opposed to the idea of some down to earth cuddling. He’s a pretty empathetic guy with a solid regard to comfort and a vehement opposition towards what the 21st century calls toxic masculinity. It’s just that Steve doesn’t know how to ask and it would be weird to just climb in with him, right? No, Sam also preaches boundaries and instigating a cuddle session without asking would definitely be a clear violation of those. 

Frustrated, Steve blows a breath out through his nose. Fuck it, he’s just gonna ask. He’s damn tired and Sam will understand. 

He rolls over all the way and props himself up onto his elbow, leaning closer to Sam’s bed, “Sam,” Steve hisses. Sam snuffles and presses his face sideways into his pillow. “Sam, are you awake?”

Sam grunts and Steve sees his eyebrow furrow. “I am now,” He says, voice hoarse with sleep. He doesn’t open his eyes, “What’s going on?”

Steve bites his lip, suddenly unsure, “Uh…”

Sam opens his eyes and Steve can see the concern on his face despite the darkness of the room. 

“You alright?” Sam asks, lifting his head, “What’s wrong?”

Steve shrugs a shoulder, “I can’t sleep.” He says, casting his eyes somewhere over Sam’s shoulder. He sees him soften in his periphery.

“You wanna talk about it? Or, like, what can I do for you, man?”

Steve shrugs again, “Nothing really to talk about, but during the war...I dunno, it’s dumb, just...if things were tough we’d all-- I mean, like, we’d take our bedrolls and--” He can feel himself blushing and he swallows. This was a dumb idea.

The sound of blankets rustling makes Steve look back at Sam, who’s got the covers pulled back in front of him, a welcoming, non-judgemental look on his face. Steve hesitates and Sam rolls his eyes.

“Get over here, dude, I didn’t wake up for nothing.”

Blushing harder, Steve clambers out of bed and awkwardly slides into Sam’s, who pulls the covers back over the both of them. Steve holds himself stiffly until Sam makes a disapproving noise and pulls him down onto his chest.

“I would offer to spoon you, but I can’t sleep on my side,” Sam says, sounding sleepy again. 

“That’s okay,” Steve says, draping an arm across Sam’s stomach and nestling further into his chest, “This is good.”

When Steve wakes up the next morning, he feels more rested than he has in years.

XXX

Things change after that. Casual touches become more frequent and it becomes an unspoken ritual after hard days to climb into the same bed in whatever motel room they’re staying at for the moment and crash, limbs tangled together and Steve’s face mashed into some place on Sam’s torso. 

The stress surrounding Bucky and whatever condition he might be in still eats away at Steve relentlessly and his nightmares haven’t exactly eased up, but a certain, specific weight has lifted off his chest. It’s nice, he finds, to feel close to someone again off his own volition. It’s nice, Steve thinks, to feel seen.

XXX

Steve lies on his side, jaw clenched against his chattering teeth and hands fisted in the sheets in front of him. His stomach is in knots from being held so tense and he tries to reign in the shaking, but his body won’t cooperate and his lungs don’t seem to want to pull in enough air to battle out the adrenaline streaming through his veins. 

The dream hadn’t been anything new, but the Hydra stronghold they’d raided that day had left them a little worse for wear and Bucky’s screams for Steve to please come find him hit harder than usual. Falling asleep had been an accident and it’s not even 10 pm yet and Steve wants to cry his chest hurts so bad. Sam is in the shower and presumably, he hadn’t heard Steve gasp awake seeing as he’s still in there despite it being twenty minutes since he’d woken up. Steve’s partly grateful for that, but he can’t seem to calm himself down and he wants a fucking hug. 

The bathroom door opens and Steve squeezes his eyes shut as Sam’s whistling parts from the sound of the bathroom fan, then dies. He curls further on himself-- he’s been made.

“Hey, hey, whoa,” Sam says. The mattress dips behind Steve as Sam sits down. A moment later, a hand starts rubbing between his shoulder blades, “What happened?”

Steve shakes his head, leaning back into the touch. 

“Alright, that’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,” Sam says, voice even and soothing, “Can you stretch out a little for me?”

Steve forces himself to unwind a little bit and internally lets out a sigh of relief as Sam attaches himself to his back, hands carefully prying Steve’s from their iron grip on the sheets. 

“I’m here, man,” Sam says, starting to take deliberate breaths for Steve to match, “I got you.”

It takes a while, but Steve eventually calms down enough to roll over. Sam immediately accommodates, maneuvering them to their usual position of him on his back and Steve draped across his stomach. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Sam asks gently.

“No,” Steve croaks, clearing his throat, “Thanks.”

“Okay, lemme know if you change your mind,” Sam says, “Wanna watch something? I think this motel has pay-per-view.”

“Yeah, sure.” Steve says, feeling drained, “You pick.”

A couple minutes later, the intro to the first Indiana Jones movie is playing on the TV in front of their beds, volume pitched lower than usual. Sam is running a hand through Steve’s hair and he’s finding it increasingly harder to stay awake. 

He’s not sure how much time has passed with him half-dozing on Sam’s chest, when Sam jolts, head turned towards the window. Steve looks over, too, suddenly alert.

“What?” Steve asks, heart pounding, “What did you see?”

Sam shakes his head, frowning, “I don’t know, I just thought...I don’t know I just felt like I was being watched.” 

“Should we check it out?”

Sam squints, searching the window. A tense minute passes before he shakes his head, “Nah, not worth it.”

Still wary, Steve nods, “If you say so.”

XXX

When they get to the next Hydra stronghold in Malvan, it’s already ransacked. 

Smoke is still drifting up from the ruins and Steve can see mounds of rubble smoldering in the low dusk lighting. There are bodies strewn fairly consistently throughout the debris and Steve tries to ignore them as he wades into the remnants of the base. 

A gunshot sounds somewhere behind him and he glances back to see Sam jogging to catch up with him. He raises an eyebrow.

“Straggler,” Sam says. Steve nods.

“It was him,” Steve says, “Bucky beat us here and recently.”

“I don’t know, man,” Sam says, dubiously, “there are a lot of people out for Hydra right now. Could be anyone angry enough.”

“No,” Steve says, bending down to pluck a sticky note off of one of the guard’s bodies. He can’t make out what it says, but he can tell it’s Bucky’s loopy handwriting. He waggles it and shows it to Sam, “It was him.”

“What’s it say?”

Steve pulls his phone out of one of the pockets on his tac pants and switches on the flashlight, aiming it at the sticky note.

I was going to reach out, but you and Wilson seemed cozy enough.  :( >:(

An incredulous laugh bursts out of Steve and Sam crowds in close, reading over his shoulder.

“What the fuck?” Sam exclaims, “Does he seriously think-- when did he--” He cuts off, realization dawning on his face, “Oh my god, that night I thought I saw something out the window in Alcaine. That was Barnes.” He bursts out laughing, doubled over, bracing himself on Steve’s shoulder, “He-- he musta seen us cuddling and-- and thought-- oh my god.”

Steve’s laughing, too-- elated that Bucky seems to be in his right mind and willing to reconnect. 

“Damn, he’s a jealous type, too?” Sam says, still wheezing, “Wow, Rogers, you landed quite a man there. He even-- he fucking wrote out a grumpy face!”

“Yeah, I wasn’t the only dramatic one,” Steve says, “Peggy always got on us both for that. Liked to say we were a theatrical pair.” He says the last part with an accent and Sam starts laughing again.

A rush of warm hope spreads through Steve’s stomach and he closes his hand around the sticky note, “He’s okay.” He says, “He’s gonna come home.”

Sam sobers up a little and claps him on the back, “Yeah he is, man. You’re gonna get your boy back.”

XXX

Still, it’s another month and a half before Bucky finally makes an appearance. 

Sam and Steve had finally decided to take a break, tired of changing time zones three times a week and coming up with mostly dead ends since Bucky’s note back in Malvan. Even the satisfaction of destroying Hydra strongholds has diminished to something like itching a mosquito bite. So they leave one last base in Turkmenabat in ruins and head back stateside, eager to be without responsibilities for a while. 

They’re about to enter Steve’s apartment in Brooklyn when Steve senses something not quite right. He frowns, holding up a hand to stop Sam behind him and looking around. Nothing’s out of place but...but...but the plant outside his door is wet? Someone’s fucking watered his plant. He points it out to Sam and they both draw their handguns, hunching into a familiar defensive formation as Steve unlocks his door and shoulders his way inside.

They both train their guns on the figure sitting on the couch.

“Hey, Steve.” 

Steve falters, lowering his gun, “Buck?”

Bucky is sitting reclined on the couch, his feet kicked up on the coffee table. His hair is short again, reminiscent of how it was during the war, but modern enough to blend in to crowds and when Steve looks closer, he can see that he’s wearing a pair of his sweatpants and one of his t-shirts.

“Are you-- did you take my clothes? How long have you been here? Did you--did you water my plant?” He asks. Sam still has his gun drawn and Steve makes a motion for him to yield. Sam does so reluctantly.

“‘Bout a week? Took you long enough to get back,” Bucky says easily, “And yeah, Geoffrey needed watering, he was looking awful neglected. Also, yeah I don’t really have much of a wardrobe of my own.”

Sam shakes his head, “Geoffrey!?”

But Steve ignores him, heart breaking a little at the thought of Bucky wearing the same clothes for all these months, “Oh. Well, you’re totally welcome to take my clothes any-”

“Yeah, I know. It’s why I did,” Bucky says. He trains his gaze on Sam, “Are you two together?” He asks bluntly.

“I-- no.” Steve says. He’d figured this conversation might happen after the Sticky Note Incident, but it flusters him all the same, “We just-- things were hard for a bit and you remember during the war, it just-- it helps.”

Bucky nods decisively, “Yeah. Makes sense. When I saw you two, I was still trying to remember if you and I were actually a thing before or if that was something Hydra had put in there.” Steve makes a wounded noise and Bucky looks at Sam again, “Sorry about your steering wheel, I can steal you a new car.”

“Oh, I-- no,” Sam says, alarmed, “That’s alright, man, you don’t have to...uh--” he looks to Steve for help, who just shrugs, “It’s fine.” He finishes, visibly forcing nonchalance, “We’re cool.”

Bucky smiles and stands, crossing to them, “In that case, I should properly introduce myself,” He extends a hand to Sam, “James Barnes but folks call me Bucky.”

Sam takes his hand, “Sam Wilson. Good to meet you, man.”

“Back atcha,” Bucky turns his attention on Steve, looking him up and down, “You been eatin’, Stevie? You look skinny, like a little angry alley cat.”

“Fuck you, too.” Steve says brightly, “Sorry Sam and I made you jealous.”

“Wasn’t jealous,” Bucky grumbles. 

Steve just laughs and pulls him in for a kiss, “Missed ya. You stayin’?”

Bucky presses their foreheads together and for the first time in 70 years, Steve feels complete, “I am now.”

-

ok yeah that’s it

thanks for reading, chiefs

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Forty-Three

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

Warnings: TW: Mention of past abuse!!! (It’s really graphic) Fluff and Smut.

Masterpost (all previous parts can be found in the masterpost)

Harry wanted to make more of an effort to have time with you in the morning. He missed you so much all day, and wanted to enjoy the few minutes with you before you had to leave for work, so Monday morning he got up to have breakfast with you. He made you both oatmeal.

“This so nice.” You say sitting next to him at your island. “Thank you sweetie.”

“Course.” He smiles sleepily at you.

“Harry…I was wondering if you had to work late tomorrow night?”

“Shouldn’t have to, love. Why?”

“Well, and feel free to say no, but I was sort of wondering if you’d want to see Dr. Mara with me tomorrow.” His eyes softens and he puts a hand over yours.

“Did I…do something wrong?”

“No! Oh my god, no not at all.” You smile reassuringly at him. “I have sort of come to realize I have a real communication problem. You’re not a mind reader, and I feel really bad about when I sort of snap at you when you ask me certain questions…like I expect you to just understand something. It’s not really fair of me. She actually suggested I bring you with me after what happened last week, and I’ve had some time to think it over, and I think it would really help. She knows everything about me so…maybe she can help me explain some things to you. She can also be a mediator if I start to get a little snippy.”

He knew this was a huge deal for you. Harry had been to therapy before, he knew it was an incredibly vulnerable thing to do.

“I’m there.”

“Really?”

“Of course! I’m…honored you’re asking.”

“I really am sorry for all the times I’ve just sort flown off the handle. My undergrad degree is in communication for fuck’s sake, I should really know better.” So that’s why she was so good at reading others and assessing situations, he thinks to himself.

“I thought your degree was in like film studies?”

“No, no. That was my minor. My major was Communication and Media studies.”

“Ohhh, that makes a lot more sense.” He laughs.

“I should really practice what I preach. I can always tell when other people don’t communicate well. Or honestly, I’m great with like workplace, interpersonal communication. But I guess in my relationships I struggle a little.”

“I don’t love when you blow up at me, but I understand it. I can’t imagine how scary it must feel to be triggered by something, and have all of that adrenaline running through you.”

“Don’t make excuses for me, please, it’s okay. I’ve been wrong a lot of the time, I can admit to that.” You finish up your oatmeal. “Mm, this was so good.” You look at your watch. “Shit, it’s my day to pick up coffee, I need to get going.” You give him a quick kiss. “Have a great day.”

“You too babe. You goin’ t’the gym tonight?”

“Yup, should be home around six.”

“Great.”

//

You get Niall his coffee, and discuss theories about You and set up certain days to watch it during your lunch breaks. Everything felt back to normal with him which you were thankful for. The last thing you needed was for your work environment to be stressful. Your classes were all signed up for, and you’d be starting your first one in just a couple of weeks.

A companywide email went out about your annual holiday party. You were always thankful your CEO had the party at the end of January to give everyone time to recover from the holidays themselves. It was at this swanky hotel, and there was a huge ballroom for dancing. The food was always exceptional too, not to mention an open bar.

You come home sweaty from the gym, excited to tell Harry about the upcoming party.

“Hey babe!” You say.

“Hey! Just got through the door myself, haven’t had a chance to make up dinner.”

“No worries, I can cook.” You shrug. “Mark your calendar for the second to last weekend in January, the company party has been announced!”

“Oh great! What hotel is it gonna be at?”

“The Boston Harbor Hotel, it’s so beautiful!” You open the fridge and pull out some cauliflower. “M’gonna make some buffalo cauliflower, that work for you?”

“Sounds amazing.”

“Hmm, I’m gonnna have to go to Macy’s this weekend to get a dress.”

“Right, cause you don’t have enough in your closet.” He says playfully. You point your knife at him.

“You realize if I go shopping you get to watch me try on a bunch of different things right?”

“Ohh, okay, new dress it is.” He kisses your cheek as you prepare the rest of dinner.

“Your birthday is the weekend after that right?”

“Mhm.”

“I was thinking, if you wanted, we could go to a nice dinner.” He smiles at you.

“Just the two of us?”

“If that’s what you’d like.”

“I’d love nothin’ more.”

You toss the cauliflower into a bowl of your homemade buffalo sauce and toss it around. You pop them into the oven, and wait for them to crisp up a bit. You go to change out of your sweats and wrap your robe around your body. Harry’s sat as his desk. You go over to him and wrap your arms around him. He leans his head back to look at you.

“You know what this weekend is?”

“Hmmm.” He gives you a funny look. “What’s that love?”

“Five whole months together.” He tilts his head to kiss you.

“How lucky are we, hm?”

“So lucky.”

//

Harry meets you at Dr. Mara’s office after work. You were incredibly nervous, but happy he agreed to come with you. You had so much to get off your chest. He gives you a kiss when he meets you in the lobby, and holds your hand as you wait to be called in.

“Y/N?” Dr. Mara says, her smile deepens when she sees Harry with you. “Come on in. Is your friend joining us today?”

“Yes, Dr. Mara, this is my boyfriend Harry.”

“It’s so nice to meet you dear, I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.” She shakes Harry’s hand.

“Same to you.”

You and Harry sit on the couch in her office.

“Harry, I’d like you just to observe for a bit. Y/N and I usually talk about our week, and anything positive that may have happened.”

“Sure.” You don’t let go of his hand.

“So, Y/N, how was your week, since I saw you last. You seem much calmer.”

“I am! Niall and I worked everything out. We’ve set up some new boundaries.”

“That’s very good.”

“Our CEO announced our annual holiday party.”

“Oh, you love that party.”

“I do! It’s so much fun. Harry’s coming with me this year.”

“That’s great. You must be excited to introduce him to so many people.”

“I am.” You look over at him. He smiles at you.

“Would you like to tell me why you’ve brought Harry with you today?”

Harry liked Dr. Mara. She reminded him of his mum. Her demeanor was calm, and her voice was quite soothing.

“Well, after what happened last week, I had a revelation that my boyfriend is not a mind reader.” You laugh. “I can’t expect him to understand why something may be upsetting me if I don’t fully explain everything first.”

“I see. And what would you like to explain to him today?”

“Why I don’t feel comfortable doing it from behind just yet.”

Harry chokes on the air in the room. You and Dr. Mara were both so calm about the subject. He didn’t realize you talked about the nitty gritty in here.

“Harry, are you uncomfortable with this conversation?” Dr. Mara asks. “It’s alright if you are, we can work our way up to this subject matter.”

“No, no, I just, um, didn’t realize we were going to be so…blunt.”

“I tell Dr. Mara everything, she knows a lot about…us.”

“This is a safe space Harry.” She says, giving him a reassuring smile. “Absolutely no judgement. These types of situations are sort of my specialty.”

“Alright.” He smiles back weakly. He looks over at you, and you squeeze his hand. Your heart was beating fast.

“Y/N, would you like to start?”

“Sure. So…I feel really bad for our fight last week. You really did ask me a simple question, and it triggered me. But I know I handled it immaturely. And then I just got more mad when you spoke with Niall about it.”

“Why does it bother you when Harry and Niall discuss these things?”

“Because even though they’re also best friends, and should be able to talk about their girlfriends, I just feel like if I don’t want to talk about something or if I’m not ready for Harry to know something, it shouldn’t be up to Niall to just tell him anyways. I feel like you two run off to each other sometimes, and it bothers me.” You say looking at him.

“I’m sorry…I can work on that.” You nod.

“Anyways, it was the third time you had brought it up, us doing it like that. And you sort of brought it up out of nowhere.”

“It had been on my mind.”

“Why?” He looks at you and then Dr. Mara, then back to you.

“Because…it feels good, and it’s a position I’d like to really do. And you hadn’t really given me a reason other than just shaking your head or saying no. I just wanted a little explanation. I know in the past I’ve told you that you didn’t need to explain things, but I was just very confused because we’ve done other things.” You nod.

“I see how that would have been confusing, and I should have just come right out and explained myself.” You take a deep breath. “Um…I’m going to tell you something…I’ve told you a little bit about what happened that night, but not the full story. If you’re okay with hearing it, I’d like to tell you.”

“I’m all ears.” You shift and let go of his hand. You twiddle your thumbs and look down to your lap.

“You both are doing great.” Dr. Mara says.

“So that night, Jake and I had only sort of made out up until that point. I didn’t want to have sex with him yet, but there were other things I wanted to do with him, that I would have been happy to do.” You close your eyes. “I can’t quite remember how it all escalated so quickly. I know he didn’t slip me anything.” You open your eyes back up, but keep them glued on your hands. “We had moved to the bed so we could kiss more comfortably. I was on top of him at first, and then he got on top of me, and pushed my dress up. Then he moved my underwear to the side and started touching me.” Harry’s jaw tenses, but his eyes remain soft. “I was fine with it, he was being gentle.” You look up at Dr. Mara, then back to your hands. You feel a tear go down your cheek. Harry grabs a tissue and hands it to you. “Like I said, I can’t remember how it escalated so quickly, but the next thing I knew, my face was being pushed in the mattress and he was just drilling it inside me. It hurt, a lot. He didn’t make sure I was wet enough for how hard he was going.” You shift, feeling uncomfortable from the memory. “He was pretty thick, so I knew I was tearing. Because he was being so forceful, I was too scared to fight back or tell him to get off me. I didn’t know what else he might do to hurt me. So I just let him do it.” Your voice cracks. “When he was done, it felt like a razer was being pulled out of me. I don’t know how he didn’t see the blood on his penis, there had to be a ton, there was enough between my legs and on the sheets.” Harry swallows hard, grabbing a tissue for himself to dab his eyes with. “When I think of doing it from that angle again, I just…” You take a deep breath. “I’m just automatically reminded of all of it.”

“The night we, um, you know when you let me?” His voice was hoarse, tears streaming down his cheeks.

“That was different, for whatever reason. You had taken your time with me, and I felt safe. I wanna work up to doing it, I really do. I’m just…I can’t not think about it.”

“I’m so sorry…” He puts a hand on your shoulder. “I can’t imagine doing something like that to someone. I truly will never understand how people can be so cruel.” He looks at Dr. Mara. “There’s a question I’d like to ask, since we’re in a safe space. Somethin’ that’s been on my mind since you first told me everything.” He looks back at you.

“What babe?”

“Why…why didn’t you ever press charges?” Your eyes grow wide and your mouth drops open. “I’m not trying to shame you or anythin’, I just don’t understand.”

“I almost did, but I just wanted it all to go away.”

“Didn’t you ever think that he might do it to someone else?” Your body was starting to shake, and you felt your breathing start to move rapidly.

“I…I feel…” You couldn’t breathe.

“Shit. What should I do?” He looks at Dr. Mara.

“Y/N, get up and walk around, I’ll get you a paper bag.”

You get up and pace around the room quickly trying to calm your fight or flight. Dr. Mara hands you a paper bag to breathe in and out of. She rubs your back lightly.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No.” You say returning your breathing to a more normal pace. “No, it’s okay, it’s a valid question.” You sit back down. “I don’t have a good answer. I still have everything, the sheets, the outfit…it’s hidden in my storage unit. I think I just wanted to pretend like nothing happened, or that it wasn’t as serious. I didn’t really want to seek vengeance, but I see what you’re saying about him potentially hurting someone else. I was selfishly only thinking of myself.”

“You’re not selfish Y/N.” Dr. Mara interjects. “Everyone deals with these things differently, and it’s up to you at the end of the day.”

“Wouldn’t you encourage her to press charges though?”

“It’s not my job to tell her what to do. Forcing a victim to go through that trauma over and over again is a lot to ask.” Harry nods.

“Someday I might, but right now it’s just not something I want to do. I know it doesn’t make sense, Harry.”

“It doesn’t have to, it didn’t happen to me.” He clears his throat. “Not that everything needs to be about sex, but Dr. Mara, how would you suggest we proceed with all of this?”

“Well, that’s up to the two of you. Keep having this open communication with each other. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Y/N, we’ve talked about you trying small things when you feel comfortable doing so. The two of you could try getting into the position, but with no penetration. Little things like that.”

You look at Harry, and back to Dr. Mara.

“I have another suggestion, Harry I don’t think you need to come here every week with Y/N, just so she can still feel like she can talk about anything with me, but why don’t you come once a month or even every other month so we can have small check ins like this?”

“Yeah, I could do that. Is that something you’d want?” He asks you.

“Yes, definitely. This was really helpful.” You smile at the both of them.

//

When you get home later, Harry doesn’t let you out of his touch. Whether it was his hand needing to hold yours, or his arm being around you, he wasn’t to let go of you. Neither of you said much, nothing really needed to be said. He was still trying to process everything, you finally told him about that awful night. You both had gotten cozy into some pj’s, and he made some soup for dinner. You ate on the couch while the two of you watched TV. He kept a hand on your knee the entire time.

“Harry?”

“Yes, love?”

“Would you read to me for a while?”

“Like on the sofa?”

“Yeah, I could lay on your chest and get cozy. I wanna know what happens next and I don’t wanna be too tired for it.”

“Alright.” He smiles and gets up to retrieve his book and glasses from the bedroom.

Harry lays on the couch, resting against the armrest. You snuggle up to him, and pull the blanket from the back of the sofa over the both of you. He picks up where he left off, and reads the story to you. You close your eyes to imagine Eric and Jane. Two best friends. You’ve gotten to the part in the story where Eric realizes he has feelings for Jane, but he has no idea how she feels about him. He talks about wanting to be around her all the time, and anytime she’s near, his heart flutters.

“Harry?” You interrupt him.

“Hm?”

“How long have you been reading books like this for?” He shifts his glasses to the top of his head.

“God, for a long time. I never realized how much I liked them until uni though. I took this young adult literature class for an elective, and I loved like every book we read. The professor let us pick out a lot of our own to read as well, and I sort fell into this genre. I think I like them because you can just get so lost in these stories. They can get a bit steamy sometimes, but that’s not why I read ‘em. I could read about two people fallin’ in love over and over, and never get bored.”

“You’re so romantic.” You kiss his cheek. “It’s sweet.” His kisses the top of your head. “Please, continue.”

He chuckles and continues reading. The characters begin to have a fight over Jane’s son. Harry gets choked up when she tells Eric she needs to move because she can’t afford her apartment anymore. She tells him she’ll need to move in with her mother, who lives hours away. Eric offers to have them move in him, but she says no, and the fight just gets worse. Harry full on starts crying, and has to take his glasses off to rub his eyes.

“Are you alright? You’ve read this before baby.”

“I know.” He says through his tears. “This part just makes me so mad because if he just fuckin’ told her how he felt she’d stay because she loves him too.” He dog ear’s the page and takes a deep breath. “I need t’take a break, they’re both just so fuckin’ stupid. And her poor son, he looks at Eric like a father and like to rip the two of them apart? It’s fucked.”

The way Harry was getting worked up reminded you of how you cried over Max and Liz at the end of the first season of Roswell: New Mexico. You loved how sensitive he was, and how invested he was with his book. You take the book and his glasses from him, and rest them on the coffee table. You kiss him tenderly and wipe his tears away.

“I can’t wait to hear what happens next. I have a feeling they’ll work it out.”

“Yeah, but at what cost?” You burst out laughing, and so does he.

“Did I tell you earlier how much I appreciate you coming to therapy tonight?”

“I was happy to go.”

“I love you so much, Harry.” You snuggle into him.

“I love you too, baby. You’re so strong and brave, I hope you know that.”

“I want you to know that I’m open to trying some different things. Not tonight, obviously, but I’m going to be less closed off when you suggest things.”

He holds her tight to him. He was impressed with her attitude change.

//

Harry tended to keep a cool exterior at work. He liked keeping his personal life private. He worked with mostly women and only one other guy. He wasn’t close with any of them, friendly enough though. He knew a couple of the interns had crushes on him. Sometimes he wished the magazine didn’t hire on so many college students. He didn’t pay them much attention, but he could always tell when they were watching him work.

He had a small office with a desk and decent size monitor so he could edit whatever pictures he needed to on the spot. He had a few photos in there, one of his mum and sister, and one of you. Actually two. He had one from your weekend away in New Hampshire, and one from England. He snapped a cute picture of you in your pj’s on Christmas morning. You’d probably kill him if you knew that was the picture he had of you on his desk. When he needed a smile or a good chuckle, he’d look over at it. Sometimes he’d find himself scrolling through Facebook or his camera roll to look at pictures of you. He hated how much he missed you during the day, but he couldn’t help it.

He was working at his desk, he looked over at one of the pictures of you and smiled. He really did think you were cute. There’s a knock on the outside of his door, pulling him from his distraction. He looks up to see one of the interns.

“Yeah?”

“Um, hi Mr. Styles-“

“You can call me Harry, I’ve told you, it’s not that formal of a place.”

“Right…sorry, um, Harry.”

“So, what’s up?”

“Oh, right…um, I was told to give these flash drives to you. These photos need touching up.” She continues to stand in the doorway.

“Okay, can you come hand them to me please?” She blushes and walks further into the office. He holds his hand out and she drops them into his palm. “Thanks.” He says without looking at her. She notices the photos of all the women on his desk.

“Are all those women related to you?”

“Hm?” She points to the pictures. “Oh, no.” He smirks. “Well, that’s my mum and sister, and then that’s my girlfriend.” He looks at the picture and smiles, then back to the intern. “I love her very much.”

“Oh…well…that’s nice.” She stands there awkwardly.

“Did you need anythin’ else?” He asks, putting his earbuds back in.

“Nope.” She walks out and goes to the other intern, defeated. “He has a girlfriend.”

“So, not like he’s married.”

“He looked at me and said he loved her very much.” She groans. “Who was I kidding, that’s the most he’s ever talked to me.” She looks back at him. “He’s so fucking hot, of course he has a girlfriend.”

“Did you see a picture of her?”

“Yeah, he has two on his desk.” She rolls her eyes.

“Was she pretty?”

“I didn’t get a good look.”

//

You got a call around 10:30 in the morning from the realtor. He let you know that you got approved for the apartment. You squealed and yelled and freaked out in your office. You didn’t want to just call Harry to tell him. The realtor gave you all the details you needed to move forward and you told him you’d call him back in a little while. You decided to do something you never did before: surprise Harry at his office.

You looked really good today. You had blown out your hair and added some curls on the ends. You were wearing a green short sleeve shirt and a black pencil skirt that came a few inches above the knee. You had black tights and heels on. You were wearing a white blazer as well. You grabbed your long jacket, and decided to take an early lunch to go surprise him with the good news. You grabbed your red lipstick that you knew he loved so much, and touched it up in the mirror in your car.

The building he worked in had the heat cranked up, probably to keep the plants from dying. You took your jacket off, and got into the elevator up to the studio. He had described the building enough times for you to know where to go.

When you walk in you see a young man sitting at a large desk. You smile at him and ask if Harry was in. He smiles and points to where Harry’s office was. It was set up so different from your office. There was a large open space and multiple set ups for photos to be taken. All of the office had glass windows. There were some other desks out in the open. You see two younger girls looking at you, their eyebrows raised. You turn and see Harry’s name on the outside window next to his open door. You run your hand over it and knock.

Harry was deep into his work. He figured it was just one of the girls hanging around his door again. You knocked a little louder.

“Excuse me, Mr. Styles?” He rolls his eyes and sighs, taking his earbuds back out. He gasps when he sees that it’s you.

“Oh my god.” He immediately perks up, and stands to greet you, wrapping his arms around you. The interns watch the whole thing. “What are you doin’ here?”

“Got a sec?” You say with a big smile on your face.

“Yeah! Come in, let me grab the door. Not that it makes for much privacy.” You watch him close it.

“I can see why you’re not able to have sex in here.” You smirk, and sit on his desk. He chuckles.

“You look really nice today.” He takes the end of your hair between two fingers.

“Thank you.” You blush.

//

“That has to be his girlfriend.” One of the girls says.

“Shh, I’m watching. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that guy smile so much.”

//

“So for real, what’s with you surprisin’ me?” He boops your nose.

“I got a call a little while ago.” You beam at him.

“Oh really?” You bite your bottom lip, and he can’t help but stare at your mouth. “Babe, you’re killin’ me.”

“We got the apartment!” You squeal jumping up and throwing your arms around him.

“What?!”

“The realtor called me earlier!”

He wraps his arms around you, lifts you up, and spins you around. He dips you slightly and kisses you, your hands go into his hair as he deepens the kiss, not caring who could see.

The girls who were watching the entire exchange have to pick their jaws up off the floor. The boy who works at the reception desk walks by them and sits on their desk.

“That’s the luckiest bitch I’ve ever seen.” He says to them.

You break the kiss as Harry sets you back up right. You giggle at his now red lips. You take your thumb and try to rub it off.

“Sorry ‘bout that.”

“S’okay, I really don’t care. So, what do we need to do next?”

“He said we can call him together after we both get home from work. I was just so excited, I didn’t want to just-“ Your eyes bug out and you snatch the picture of you in your pj’s from his desk. “Harry!” You whine. “Out of all the pictures we took that week, this is the one you choose?” You look down at it. “I look like such a dork.”

“No, you look so cute. It makes me smile every time I look at it.” He pouts. You roll your eyes and put the picture back on your desk. He grabs your face with his thumb and forefinger. “I really, really fucking hate it when you roll your eyes at me.” He says with a smile on his face. You bite your bottom lip.

“Harry.” You whisper. “We’re at your place of work.”

“And?” You were starting to sweat. You look down then back up at him through your lashes.

“We should, um, celebrate tonight.” You put your hand on his and slide it up to your mouth, giving his knuckles a kiss. “Don’t you think?”

“Great idea.” You look over your shoulder, and squint at the three younger people watching you. They all look in opposite directions.

“You really don’t have much privacy, do you?” You chuckle.

“Nope. I think all three of ‘em have a crush on me. He’s worked here the longest out of them, he’s the least annoying. The girls are interns from some college. They bother me all the time.”

“I don’t blame them.” You smirk.

“What?”

“Harry, if I was twenty years old, and I was working at a place where I had to be around a guy that looked like you all day, I’d bother you any chance I got.”

“That so?”

“Oh yeah, I’d be in here all the time like, Mr. Styles I got you a coffee, Mr. Styles you’re needed for a photo, Mr. Styles you are so funny.” You giggle as he shakes his head at you.

“That’s literally what they say to me, minus that I’m funny. I don’t think I’ve ever cracked a joke around them.”

“Really? I’m surprised, you’re a performer at heart.”

“Oh shut up.” He nudges you. “So you really came here cause ya just wanted to tell me in person.”

“Yes, you goober.”

“Ha!” He throws his head back as he laughs. “That is seriously my new favorite word. I’m not goober though, you’re goober.” There’s a sudden knock at his door. A woman with really short hair and a tattoo on the side of her neck and a hoop in her left nostril. Harry waves her in.

“Hey Harry.”

“Hi Mariah, this is my girlfriend, Y/N, she was just stoppin’ by quick.”

“No worries, hi, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Same to you.” You smile.

“I’m having trouble setting a shot up for one of my frames and I’m starting to get aggravated, do you have a minute to help me?”

“Course, give me two minutes.”

“Thanks.”

“Hey, where did you get your nose pierced? I’ve always wanted one, but the place I’ve gotten my other piercings went out of business, and I can’t find any good places around here.”

“Oh! I went to the same place I got my tattoos. It’s this little place called Rob’s Ink. Ask for Andrew, he’s the best, made me feel totally relaxed.”

“And you didn’t have any issues after?”

“Not at all. I will say if you want a hoop, just make sure you get it pierced with a stud, the hoops heal weird.”

“Good to know, thanks.” You smile.

“What other piercings do you have?” You blush.

“Oh, just my, um, naval. Pretty basic.” Harry smirks.

“Cool, mine’s pierced too. So two minutes H?”

“Yup.” She gives you a small wave as she leaves.

“She seems nice.”

“Mariah? Yeah she’s cool. She’s been here about as long as I have. She’s the only one I don’t find to be a complete idiot.” He squints at your nose. “Do you really want your nose pierced?”

“Yeah! It’s becoming more acceptable at my work. I want a little hoop, I think it would look cute.”

“It would look hot.” You shake your head and smile.

“I better go so you can help her. I’ll see you tonight. Meet me at home so we can call the realtor and then we can go grab a bite?”

“Sounds good, love.” You give him a quick kiss, and leave his office. “I love you.” He says just as you walk out.

“I love you too.” You blow him a kiss, and he catches it, putting it in his pocket for later. Your heart flutters.

Harry walks over to the interns. The young man had gone back over to his desk. Harry places his palms on the desk and leans over.

“You girls enjoy the show?” They both blink at him as he smirks at them. “Maybe you both should find somethin’ t’work on.” He stands up straight and walks over to Mariah’s set up. They watch him walk away.

“He has to know the power he has.”

“Oh yeah, he knows exactly what he’s doing.”

“What I would give to be the girl he was kissing, my god.”  

//

When you get back to work you tell Niall all about the apartment, and he hugs you. You couldn’t wait to get home so you and Harry could go over everything. He got home a few minutes after you. You both sit at island and call the realtor going over all the steps you’d need to take next. He said you’d be able to move in, in February.

“Harry I am so excited!!”

“Me too!” You both stand and hug each other.

“Okay, where do you wanna go to eat? I’ll bring my laptop and we can make a spreadsheet of our budget. I was almost thinking we should open a joint checking account that we could just both deposit into to pay the rent through automatic payments.” He had never seen you talk so…businessy.

“Um…sure, we could talk about all tha’.”

You grab your laptop and put it in its case. Harry grabs his keys and you both head out the door. You go to a local bar that had wifi. You sit on the same side of a booth so you both can add the numbers into a spreadsheet. You talk about the different banks that you go to, and research which one would be best for you both to open an account with. He was so impressed with you. Once you finish with all of the “adult” stuff, you start to sip on the drinks you ordered.

“So…we should probably tell our families soon, huh?” You say.

“Yeah, I’ll call mum tomorrow.” He smiles. “She’s gonna be thrilled, I know it.” He puts his hand over yours. “Do you want me to help tell your folks?”

“No…it’ll be alright. My mom will be fine with it. I’m sure she’s half expecting it anyways. Maybe I’ll drive in to see her Sunday.”

“I don’t mind going with you.”

“I should really tell her myself, but thank you sweetie.”

“What about your dad. I really don’t want him yellin’ at you. And this is somethin’ you should tell him in person. Do you want me to like ask him for his permission or whatever?” You laugh.

“No, he’s not like a super traditional guy. I mean Erica and Kyle (her brother, I never named him) both moved in with their significant others early on…well, not this early on. But…I’ve always been different from them. My dad doesn’t think I think everything through, but I do.” You kiss his cheek. “I’m not going to let him ruin this for us.”

“Anythin’ special you wanna do this weekend? Five months is a big deal ya know?” He smirks.

“I would love to spend all day Saturday with you.”

“That can be arranged.”

“In bed.”

//

Harry got you out of that bar and into the backseat of his car faster than you could count to five.

[alottamoney]

Lisa anon again.Thank you for for insightful answer.But - first things first- am I not a seer or what?You saw what happened with the BP debut on weVerse.WV "mistakenly" made a technical error that basically was free promotion of BP's debut .After they apologised saying "oops!" and corrected their "mistake".In short ARMY suddenly had BP in their following tag after they made their debut.They had to go to the BP page to leave manually.This is shaping out to be a very interesting turn of events considering BTS didn't/doesn't need BP for anything,whereas bp benefits all things good from this association.Lisa has been trending non-stop since her "supposed slip up" in JK's vlive.For BTS, Nothing but money can be gained from this association.They are at a stage where they should collaborate with independent Korean artists to not only uphold them,but for self enrichment as well.

To explain about my perceived after-effect of jikook,I have to talk about a key decision that V made,which is corroborated by other members as well(Suga,Jimin). Keeping his worklife and personal life separate.He considers BTS his work life.The friends are in Wooga squad,who were like unicorn to the members.If you go back in time this change came about from Fall 2018.You can see where I am going with this.

When you think about jikook,you think about jimin.I think by now it is general consensus that bighit promoted jikook to heavily promote jimin.I don't know if I can write so much here but I am trying to provide you with the short version.I believe Taekook had disagreements about bts vs them very strongly in 2018 which was about which should they focus on more.Coupled with the fact that now they were quite openly a pair in front of the members and key company people,they were under pressure not to neglect their professional commitment.I had a hunch before that Jungkook struggled with this a lot.He confirmed it for me(supplemented by My Time and his 'all of my life' cover) when he suggested a story "The herdsmen and the weaver",which is a sad love story of two people who fell in love,but due to them neglecting their chores,were banished by the king who allowed them to see each other only once a year.The king wanted to teach them a lesson. I think bunny drowned himself with work to numb the pain.While Taehyung who didn't have as much load as bunny,wanted the opposite.Jikook comes in here because jimin's schedule is almost as full as bunny's.Here,I sincerely believe, jimin exercised some behaviour regarding Taekook's relationship,which Tae didn't like,and later the members would react negatively to it too.Jimin is a strict person regarding his work ethic.Tae is an easy going intuitive person. I think Jimin was opposed to the idea of taekook in BTS's workspace due to his aforementioned work ethic.and don't forget that jikook was ongoing too,which obviously Tae would've preferred would happen with less "intensity" shall we say.I have seen angry Tae during jikook moments and I have also seen Jimin noticing that and smirking.He didn't take it seriously but it's safe to assume that Tae was serious.It's interesting that jikook could converse and have flirty talking and Tae would be fine.But the extreme physical ones would rearrange his face. On the professional front, he was not being heard and recognized which was just a mess.

With the other members it too was easy to see.They started getting irritated with jikook for 1. BTS is not only jikook.But for a time it seemed only they were the bts.The others were just there.Jikook and co. It did not suit with other members. 2. They did not like jimin in taekook situation.I remember around that time Taekook were extremely hot and cold.And from that time(late 2018- early 2019) , vmin never seemed the same.There was a time when in interviews /place where Jikook was happening,RM and Jin would look from Tae to jikook I kid you not.It wasn't about romance.But couples are gonna fight and makeup.That's the rule of the universe.If you are picking sides in fights just remember after a while they are gonna be together and you are going to feel like shit.

Relationships that changed that you cannot deny no matter how much you look at it : 1. Suga-Jimin - Suga had a real softcorner for Jimin.Extreme is the right word.But now it is not like before.Instead Suga became extremely protective of V.

2. Jin- Jimin - I don't know what happened but again Jin has bonded with Tae for some time.Jin has had a great relationship with Jimin but now it's not reflected in their demeanor.

3. Vmin- The biggest change.They are cordial with each other.But they are not bffs no matter how much they preach it.Tae has kept Jimin outside his boundary of personal life for quite some time.They are professional so it is not apparent to the newcomers.But ARMY have seen them grow up.

I struggled with one thing.Why would Jimin not think V's anger was serious being his "bff"?I have a feeling he thought of it as silly.Not going to lie I think other members thought of it too.They couldn't put themselves in V's shoes as 1.They lacked perspective of a male who was attracted to another male. 2.They lacked serious relationship experience in general.From 2019 things changed.You can sense that the members really started giving their relationship respect.I wonder how much of it is because they have started their own serious relationships.Jin is 30,RM Hobi Suga all are way older than Vminkook.Before they used to tease Taekook and thought of them as chaotic duo,but how their attitude towards them has changed!

I also think their personal romantic relationships have taught them Tae's emotion was not a silly matter.Some things you cannot help.They also think of JK as a bit immature at times but professionally he is the mature man with excellent work ethic.I think no matter what JK does, he is soft corner of every hyung.

The members now has solo successes.They are secure.But in 2018 they were suddenly getting superstardom and they weren't ready.Insecurity about their abilities made them wary.Jikook getting the forefront most of the time was not appreciated.Jimin's overly caring attitude towards bts's future also I think pissed the members off.At 30 you want to have a relationship.Someone to go back to.You cannot be like work work all the time just slaving away.Jimin would rather taekook focus on their work more.I know each people can choose how they prioritise but taekook didn't want to abide by it. The members too.I know Jimin encouraged JK about his work a lot but there is a difference between JK and Jimin here.JK wants to be independent from BTS.Not that he doesn't want to be in bts.But he wants to sing,dance the way he wants,not because he is told to.JK is trying very very hard to be independent and establish his singer-songwriter profile and he has done a marvellous job with it.In contrast Jimin focuses on BTS as a whole.The problem is BTS is 7.6 more independent mind than Jimin. Idk what is in the future so lets wait and see.

Lisa anon😊

I thought of you when the weverse incident happened. I still stick to my opinion that a Liskook collab will not be well received by the fandoms but if it does happen then I would like to hear less of how shippers are the reason Tae and Jungkook chose not to interact with each other and how BigHit facilitated the awkward co-workers by not showing them in content.

I try not to form any concrete opinions about the BTS dynamics because like I said earlier they don't reveal much and I don't believe what celebrities say in general, they have an image to maintain after all. I do like theorizing even though I call them analysis, I don't consider them true analysis as we don't know or see enough.

I too have noticed Tae being uncomfortable during certain Jikook moments. Another one of the reasons Taekook stand out to me; why care about what your estranged bandmate does and over fanservice, which is scripted, of all things. If I'm not wrong they also rehearse fanservice so it can't be the first time he's seen it unlike the audience unless Jimin is doing impromptu stuff. He could be doing it to tease and genuinely doesn't see the problem, like you said maybe they don't consider it serious because it is different from their own experience with relationships. I don't want to assume anyone had any ulterior motives, I'm sure some of them had reservations about Taekook but not beyond a point-I'm not a fan of the hyungs know/expose Taekook trope. As much drama as Taekook can provide I'm sure they had their own personal problems to deal with.

I think the problem with vminkook and to an extent the rest of BTS is that they started off at the same point of familiarity and Taekook suddenly getting “closer” might also make Jimin and the others feel left out or annoyed. For the same reason, it's possible Jimin doesn't even think he's breeching any boundaries, I don't know if that makes sense. I'm sure and like you also pointed out that most of them seem to have outgrown that.

I admit I haven't paid much attention to Jimin and Yoongi's relationship but everyone I talk to agrees that Yoongi has a soft spot for Jimin and some who have access to Korean side say that Jimin is mostly seen with Jin and Yoongi outside of work and not with Jungkook which is the popular perception. So maybe they were able to move past it. 

I agree about vmin. I never really gave importance to the soulmates/bff narratives. I consider these things part of fanservice and their stage personas much like Tae fanboying over Yoongi and Hobi, Jungkook saying Namjoon is his role model, or even Jungkook saying Tae brought him out of his shell. These might not be outright lies just one-liners that make it easier for fans and for themselves. The interesting thing about vmin is that no one needs much to believe that they're bffs (even vmin shippers seem to ship them as bffs lol) No one cares that they aren't spotted together, no one is out to debunk them because their dynamics changed, and no one is upset even when they interact. Very few popular ships are as non-contentious as vmin. If I had to pick a pair that did "drift apart" then I'd pick vmin (they still seem close all said and done). Pinpointing Jikook as the cause seems too easy. Tae and Jimin seem like people who don't have much in common that could be a reason.

In terms of Tae and Jikook: Apart from the company endorsement which may have inturn promoted Jimin. I don't blame Jimin completely for what Jikook brought about. Jungkook was an equal participant in the early years of Jikook. Again "blame" is a strong word as we don't know the exact status of Taekook's relationship around the time Jikook was being promoted. I don't think Jikook do anything over-the-top, just standard kpop fanservice with the difference being that BTS is hugely popular with an international audience who might not be exposed to this type of fanservice. I don't think Jikook are attracted to each other, nothing they have said or done makes me think otherwise. Tae's discomfort seems to be disproportionate to all the possible reasons we have listed so far and he seems fine when Jungkook does fanservice with other members, he himself seems fine indulging in fanservice. Some say Jungkook isn’t too fond of Taejin fanservice (🤷🏻‍♀️). This seems to be one of those things that can be categorized under Taekook Being Weird lol Maybe we'll find out in a few years.

Lastly, I think Jimin says things the fans want to hear (all of them do). So him "relying" on BTS could just be him pandering to fans and not because of lack of ambition or personal fulfillment.

I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts. You can message me or I can answer without posting your ask if you aren’t comfortable sharing controversial opinions.💜

[doomonfilm]

Ranking : Spike Lee (1957 - present)

There have been countless directors whose careers have spanned my lifetime, but out of these countless masses, the one whom I can find the most in common ground with (as well as endless inspiration from) is Spike Lee.  A New Yorker through and through, Lee went from a series of films that seamlessly blended hip-hop and old school Hollywood aesthetics, to personal films, to his take on the blockbuster, and currently, to the point where his canon has earned him artistic freedom and expression that many of his peers have not been able to achieve.  He is the perfect bridge between the director-driven mindset of the 1970s and the cultural boundary-pushing films of the 1990s-forward.  Not everything that he directed was a hit or a masterpiece, but this man has more iconic films under his belt that some directors have films to their name.  That being said, it’s time to stir the pot and make an attempt at the monumental task that is ranking the films of Spike Lee.

I will only be including theatrically released feature films of Spike Lee that I have seen.  His documentary work will be excluded, as well as his films I have missed or have yet to see.  Here is a list of these films : Da 5 Bloods, Chi-Raq, Da Sweet Blood of Jesus, Joe’s Bed-Stuy Barbershop: We Cut Heads, 4 Little Girls, The Original Kings of Comedy, When the Levees Broke, A Huey P. Newton Story. 

20. Oldboy (2013) Every film that you make can’t be a winner.  In the case of Lee’s attempt at remaking Oldboy, there were already two major strikes against it : a superior version of the film already existed, and that version was the middle film of a trilogy.  I doubt that even a team of the most talented directors could have made a superior version of Oldboy that surpassed the original, but after 30 years of making films, it’s admirable that Lee would even attempt something so bold and seemingly insurmountable.  

19. Red Hook Summer (2012) When your film catalog covers three decades, there’s bound to be some overlap, be it stylistically or narratively.  I’ve only seen Red Hook Summer once, but it was impossible for me to look at it subjectively, as it seemed to be a modern day mirror to another one of Lee’s explorations of New York adolescence.  While this story is not a direct copy of a Spike Lee film that I will go into more detail on later, it does feel like the update equivalent that focuses on himself rather than the childhood of his sister.  While an entertaining film from what I can remember, it sits behind a list of previous impressive achievements.

18. She Hate Me (2004) Humor has been an element present in a number of Spike Lee films, but for my money’s worth, this film is the closest thing to an outright comedy that he ever made.  Like a number of films on the back half of his career, he is touching upon important topics (sexuality and toxic masculinity, in this case), but these are topics that he has hit with more nuance and creativity in earlier films.  This film did help transition Anthony Mackie into a leading man role, and he certainly took that opportunity and ran with it, so She Hate Me could be heralded for that alone.  That being said, it was a great idea that slightly missed the mark, therefore placing it on the backend of the memorable films list for Lee.

17. Miracle at St. Anna (2008) This film had the potential to be a breakout resurgence for Spike Lee.  He was coming hot off the heels of Inside Man, a perfect blend of Lee’s style and modern Hollywood fare, so having a period-piece war film seemed like a slam dunk.  His cast was strong, while also being filled of relatively unknown young actors on the verge of becoming stars in their own right, but for whatever reason, this film failed to make a connection with the masses.  While I do remember mostly enjoying my watch, I also remember feeling a bit underwhelmed by the ending, which in turn left me lacking a reason to revisit it.  Maybe it’s a hidden gem that I haven’t seen enough times yet, but at this moment in time, its home is near the bottom of Lee’s impressive list of films.

16. Get on the Bus (1996) Many people’s eyes were opened to racial injustices during the COVID-19 pandemic, as several African-American men and women found themselves on the wrong end of violent acts from the police and other citizens in the midst of a ‘shelter-in-place’ era.  Not only have these injustices been going on for my entire lifetime, but they’ve been a generational trauma for many African-Americans in the United States.  When the Million Man March was announced in 1996, it was not surprising that Spike Lee took it as an opportunity to both document the march and build a narrative around it in which he could showcase a collection of actors he’d either featured in past films or would work with in future films.  To my knowledge, this is one of maybe two or three films about the event, and it was certainly the film released in the closest proximity to it.  For an independent, quick shoot, it definitely stands up, but in comparison to Lee’s other works that benefited from full crews and production schedules, it finds itself paling in comparison.

15.  BlacKkKlansman (2018) Despite the fact that this is the film that finally got Lee some sort of recognition at the Oscars, BlacKkKlansman was not quite the true return to form that many fans of Spike Lee expected.  The film had moments of humor, compelling moments that directly focused on racial injustice and systematic oppression, and it pulled no punches while doing so.  Like a handful of Lee’s other films, however, this one falls when compared to his other films that deal with similar subject matter.  Adam Driver continued to show fans his expansive range, and  Jasper Paakonen deserved INFINITELY more recognition than he got, but ultimately, this film checks all the ‘good’ boxes where it was expected to check the ‘great’ ones.

14. 25th Hour (2002) As the year 2000 approached, Lee seemed to attempt and make a shift from films that specifically spoke on aspects of the African-American experience in favor of occasional films that reached a wider audience.  While Summer of Sam would be considered the first foray into that realm, the true mark of this elevated sense of creative duty came in the form of 25th Hour.  With the actors in tow, in tandem with the cinematography and skilled directing ability displayed in the film, one would expect a powerhouse movie, but ultimately, the expectations exceeded the narrative of this film.  This one is entertaining, don’t get me wrong, but I personally did not find a connection with the story, meaning that the film was, at best, fun to watch.

13. Summer of Sam (1999)  I’ve been a true-crime junkie since my early teenage years, and even the most casual of true-crime fans is more than likely familiar with David Berkowitz, also known to many as the Son of Sam.  While Red Hook Summer did come out after Summer of Sam, it’d be hard to deny the fact that Summer of Sam is the last of Lee’s love letters to New York City.  This was the film where Spike Lee stepped out of his comfort zone of the African-American experience, choosing instead to focus on more colloquial aspects of the American experience, and for my money’s worth, it was the start of an important shift for him.  Despite being light on the Son of Sam action, the actors this film does focus on (and the story it chooses to tell) is a fresh look at a familiar era, and a crowning achievement that signaled new things for Spike Lee.

12.  He Got Game (1998) If you made a Venn diagram of people familiar with Spike Lee, the two biggest circles would be film fans and people who have seen at least one New York Knicks game since the 1990s.  Therefore, the only thing that was really and truly surprising about He Got Game was the fact that it took Spike Lee 15 years and 11 films to make a film about basketball.  On the outset, that’s exactly what it is : a film about basketball.  Viewed with a wider lens, however, this story is a love letter to one of the most popular American inventions, and a story about how it can serve as a common-ground bridge for those from wholly different walks of life.  The juxtaposition of Aaron Copland and Public Enemy made the soundtrack provocative, and Ray Allen stood out in his lead role, holding his own against the living legend that is Denzel Washington, who is always good for a stellar performance in a Spike Lee joint.  Don’t mistake this film’s place on the list for my feelings about it... this is a stellar film, in my opinion, and one of my favorites to revisit.

11. Crooklyn (1994) After making what many would argue to be the most important film of his career (which we will eventually get to), it’s no surprise that Spike Lee circled his creative wagons and made the focus of his next film inward.  Crooklyn covers what seem like many personal bases for Spike Lee : he portrays the New York of the past vividly and beautifully, while spinning a true-to-life tale based on his personal experience, but opting to focus on his sister Joie Lee and his father Bill Lee.  Of Lee’s many, many films, this was the one that I felt the most compelled to see at the time of release, it is one of the two I have the most vivid memories and recollections of, and it has a number of stylistic choices that keep me wonderfully perplexed to this day.  Despite not cracking the top ten Spike Lee films, this one ranks high on the list of Spike Lee films that hit the bullseye of my heart.

10. Jungle Fever (1991) Interracial romance is one of those things that seemingly will always be a sensitive subject.  I’ve heard many people say that Jungle Fever has a dated look on the subject, but I’d argue that the film was very forward thinking, especially in showing that an interracial romance is not the answer to the cultural and societal problems that life presents us.  The movie also touches deeply on drug addiction without crossing over into the realm of being preachy or talking down to the viewer.  It didn’t hurt that Stevie Wonder also managed to create a soundtrack’s worth of new material that instantly brought the seemingly controversial film directly into the public eye.  Maybe it is dated... maybe it is uncomfortable... but what it is, undoubtedly, is an early masterpiece that fell near the end of one of the most stellar introductory runs that any filmmaker has presented us.

9. Clockers (1995) Ever wonder what would happen if a Martin Scorsese film found its way into the hands of Spike Lee?  Well, wonder no longer, because Clockers is out there waiting for you to discover it.  The amount that this movie gets slept on is an outright tragedy and travesty.  The soundtrack is KILLER, the color-timing puts the viewer in an immediate ‘cold-world’ environment, the order of operations presented in this film is brutal and unforgiving, and yet, it manages to be one of the most heartfelt films in the Spike Lee canon.  EVERYONE presented in this movie brought their A-game to the table, from the Spike Lee regulars like Isaiah Washington, John Turturro and Harvey Keitel, to the glorified cameos and supporting roles, like Thomas Jefferson Byrd, Sticky Fingaz and Fredro of Onyx, and relative newcomer but promising leading man Makhi Phifer.  This film is intense, but it is more than worth your time and attention.

8. Bamboozled (2000) Bamboozled was shocking when it was released, to say the least.  The true revelation, however, has been the way that relevance has seemingly caught up to the film... fake wokeness, modern day minstrel shows, low budget/high yield television and behind the scenes scandals have all come to light many years after this film had its initial run.  While this film did not transition Savion Glover into the world of superstardom and crossover success, it certainly crystalized his immense talent and charisma in a way that his recordings of stage shows had previously been unable to capture.  The imagery of America’s strange fascination with the dehumanization of African-Americans for generation after generation is rich, and every performance is compelling.  This was definitely Spike Lee’s first masterpiece of the new millennium, and at the risk of being bittersweet, probably one of his last truly stunning achievements.

7. Girl 6 (1996) Every ranking list has to have the controversial placement, so here’s mine... Girl 6 started as a lingering interest for me.  The internet was just about to change the world, but we were still locked into landlines at the time, with cellular being a luxury, so the world of phone sex still had relevance.  Upon seeing the film, however, I quickly realized that the phone sex exploration was playing counter to a Hollywood hopeful narrative that was brave enough to explore new ground (per the changing times) while being mindful enough to pay homage to the countless stories of Hollywood hopefuls that came before it.  Many of the shifting cinematography looks that made Clockers so gritty were used to make Girl 6 feel dangerously euphoric.  The list of cameos and brief supporting roles were not only a who’s who of cultural movers and shakers at the time, but it ran about as long as my arm.  I recently revisited the film and expected it to be a bit more on the side of kitsch, but surprisingly, the times had not been as hard on the film as I anticipated.  The film shifts quite well between light and dark, and even the ending that initially slightly annoyed me has found a strange sort of charm in my older, more life-experienced years.  Add to this the hilarious running joke of Isaiah Washington being a kleptomaniac in nearly every scene he appears in, and there’s a realization that there are sublayers going on right in front of our eyes.  This collaboration with Suzan-Lori Parks gives me hope that maybe one day, we’ll get a Spike Lee film adaptation of Topdog/Underdog, but we will see.

6. Inside Man (2006) If you had to pick the most ‘Hollywood’ of the Spike Lee films, my money would be on this film ending up as the chosen one.  By this rationale, it makes the film that much more impressive, as it also stands out as one of the most compelling, well-directed and well-acted Spike Lee films.  At the time of its release, it was not only a return to form, but it seemed to signal an evolution.  Spike Lee was able to use his signature, iconic shots that he was known for, like his camera-turned-to-dolly float, or the push-pull zooms, but he was also able to incorporate familiar Hollywood tropes, including the twist ending, and give them a breath of fresh air via an newly infused sense of style.  Lee also stayed true to himself by educating as well as entertaining, bringing to light how atrocities from the past have more than historical connections to modern day benefactors.  While I do think there are a handful of better ‘pure’ Spike Lee films, if I had to pick one movie for a curious party that my be skeptical, this would easily be my pick.

5. She's Gotta Have It (1986) Oh, the joy of having your first film be a breakout success, but not to the point of pigeon-holing your career.  She’s Gotta Have It was an important introductory step to the masses for Spike Lee : it showed his dedication to putting African-American performers into familiar narratives, it showed an appreciation for the voice of women on film that many first-time directors would likely not want to be the initial association to their style, it introduced the world to Mars Blackmon (who became a cultural icon), and it presented sense of style that switched on the viewer the moment before they could label it pretentious.  Having characters address the camera made it feel like a play or a novel, but when the film shifted into movie mode, the camera moved with the energy and grace of a performance artist or dancer, which in turn fed into the character development and narrative it presented.  As a bonus, the property found new life nearly 40 years later as a Netflix original series, introducing new generations to a modern day classic statement of feminism, and how it does not excuse bad behavior.

4. Mo' Better Blues (1990) Those familiar with Spike Lee’s family know that he was raised by jazz bassist Bill Lee, who scored some of Spike’s early films.  By this rationale, it comes as no surprise that Lee could make such a rich, nuanced and heartfelt film about jazz music that serves as an allegory for the hurdles that beset those driven purely by passion.  The conversations about race, musical integrity and commercialism also work on both direct and symbolic levels, giving Mo’ Better Blues some of the highest repeat viewing value of any film in the Spike Lee canon.  The film also marked the first collaboration of Spike Lee and Denzel Washington, a combination that yielded artistic, career, creative, commercial and critical success, led to a multitude of classic performances, and ultimately led to a generational collaborative changing of the guard in the form of John David Washington.  The only negative I can give this film is that it did not lead to future films that explored genres of music like hip-hop and soul.  While She’s Gotta Have It did focus heavily on relationships and intimacy, it could be argued that Mo’ Better Blues was Spike Lee’s first adult contemporary film, and his first look at modern romance in the more ‘traditional’ sense.

3. School Daze (1988) The African-American college experience, specifically that of HBCUs (Historically Black College and Universitys), is one that has often been neglected in the annals of film history.  As a graduate of Clark Atlanta University, it makes total sense that Spike Lee’s second commercial film would focus on that specifically overlooked culture, as it became a fitting vehicle for establishing Lee’s sense of duty and responsibility for education, sharing the African-American experience to the masses, and exposing systematic injustices and hypocrisies that kep the disadvantaged in a disadvantaged position.  The real genius of this film, however, comes in the juxtaposition of presentations it jumps between... for the majority of the film, it is an unflinching look at the coming of age process that teenagers must traverse on their way to adulthood, including the hurdles of romance, forming your identity and expanding your view of the world around you.  At key moments, however, the film switches into musical numbers, song performances and school dances that not only expand on the inner feelings, emotions and desires of characters, but heighten the reality of the story to a dizzying pace.  In all the ways that She’s Gotta Have It put the world on notice that a unique voice was present in the industry, School Daze signaled the continuation of a run that would last another handful of films, and it firmly established Spike Lee as a generational talent. 

2. Do the Right Thing (1989) I would guess that over the course of a career, a director secretly hopes that at least one of their works comes close to making an impact culturally.  In the case of Spike Lee, however, we have a man who released two cultural-shifting films, and did so in a span of less than 5 years.  They say the third time is a charm, and that’s exactly what Do the Right Thing was for Spike Lee.  The vivid colors, stylistic earmarks, historical and cultural sense of urgency and focus on telling minority stories all expanded greatly with this film, which acted as both a parable of how past injustices can come back to haunt you, and a harbinger of how the reactions to these continued injustices would only amplify if not addressed.  The fact that Spike Lee not only directed this film, but played the lead actor as well, is a monumental achievement, especially considering how few flaws the film has, if any.  Several established actors played some of their most iconic roles in this film, and a breadth of newer, younger faces exploded onto the scene, almost all of whom either continued to work with Lee or found themselves evolving their careers in the wake of Do the Right Thing.  The film is also directly responsible for perhaps the most iconic hip-hop song of all time, Public Enemy’s classic protest anthem Fight The Power.  Any fan of film would be foolish to skip the Spike Lee catalog, but regardless of whether you’re interested in his work or not, this film is one of two he made that should flatly be considered required viewing across the board.  The other one, being...

1. Malcolm X (1992) For everything that Do the Right Thing did for Spike Lee and those involved in the production, the monumentally powerful biopic Malcolm X did all of that while also managing to humanize, canonize and create and icon out of a man that America tried its best to demonize.  The masterful hand that Lee used to direct this film shows, as this film is the most ‘every frame a painting’ in his canon.  Everything from the period costuming to the locations to the dance numbers to the cinematography absolutely leaps off of the screen.  The editing is kinetic, the performances are full of life and depth, and the narrative does just enough going forwards and backwards to make proper connections without beating it over the head of the viewer.  The respect shown to Malcolm X is massive, so much so that almost seemingly overnight, Malcolm X went from being a feared and often heavily criticized sign of aggressive blackness to a commercial commodity and household name, with the famous X suddenly adorning t-shirts, baseball caps and necklaces of all American youth, not just minorities.  The impact of this film was so immediate that many schools held field trips for viewings, which further cemented the immediate and historical value of the film.  Often, the connotation of saying someone ‘peaked’ for a film so early in their career would be negative, but the heights to which Malcolm X achieved on all fronts meant that even if the rest of Lee’s career was a steady decline (which it certainly wasn’t), he more than likely still would have ended up in a pantheon far above that of the average director.

With projects reportedly in the early stages of development, it doesn’t look like Spike Lee has any plans on stopping anytime soon.  I certainly owe it to myself to see the handful of his films and documentaries that I’ve not seen yet... who knows, perhaps I may even go back one day and add the documentaries into the list, or find a surprise gem in one of his more recent movies I’ve yet to see.  

[mindwideopen]

Well, I’m not hungry. Fine, don’t eat. Yeah, ok, well, I’m not into your ways. Ok, then don’t be that way. Fine! I won’t! And don’t bother talking to me about it, cause I don’t like what you have to say. Alright, then don’t listen. Yeah! Well, I’m not into your beliefs. They’re ass! Great. Then by all means, don’t believe them. One more thing, I’m not into your…. fach! That’s ok too, cause you’re not looking at my fach. You’re looking at my ass, walking away from this conversation. Scene.

This, isn’t me. I’m not a cat, I’m a human being. I’m afraid to be me sometimes. Read on below if you’d like.

Choice, is focus. What you feel, think and do, are indicative of your beliefs. What you believe about an individual will color their communication with you. What they say, may or may not be received as it may have been intended. Your thoughts, are your compass to your navigation through your relationships, and your life. The rhetoric you recite, either heightens fear, or love. The choice to speak your mind, is a necessary thing, for your own support foundation. But what you speak, is what you believe. If you believe people hate you, and the world is ass, you will find every indication to that belief in your daily life. The universe, god, love, however you define it, supports your beliefs, no matter what they are. You will see indications of your beliefs everywhere you go, and in everyone you meet. Love, is there, if you are open to seeing it.

I am not a dog, but sometimes I wish I were...

I, am a fearful person. I hide, from humanity, because I find some mean, and callus. And I have been seeing that, my entire life. I have a loving family, and life. But my underlying fears, prohibit me from seeing people as they truly are sometimes. I don’t trust, I run, I shelter, because of my beliefs. People are not all great, but, I have labeled them all, unworthy of knowing who I am, because of a few really hurtful experiences.

Love isn’t the only reason why we live. We are here, to experience contrast to love, so that we can be more clear about our intention. And loving is the choice we can make, to feel better. Gone. I am. I’m not on social media pretty much anymore. The me that I allowed to be seen? Not appreciated by most I encountered. So, I run. And I allow no one in. The ass of me, is the only memory I feel people have, so my past is haunted, by everyone that’s no longer in my life.

Memories are what you make them. Situations are not always clouded by sunshine and lollipops. Love is not an easy thing to recall if people are clouded by hurt. So, the people that I remember, are the ones that remind me of love. The ones who make me laugh, the ones who teach me, that life is what I decide it can be in the moment. The ones who cared enough to be themselves, and brave enough to show it. The ones who make me laugh, and the ones who show me love. Me. The me I am, does that for myself everyday now. I choose it, because I care about how I feel. And I am a person, who decides to show love now, to people who refuse my love, or reject it, or, ignore it. The ones, that I have decided, are not worthy of me. Humanity. Not really a great way to be a part of the whole. So, now I’m stuck with a problem. How do I rejoin society, after shunning it over and over again, from my beliefs and fears? I’m still working that out.

I am sometimes, skiddish, like a bunny rabbit.

The other day I decided that people who are mean, are orange. Orange is not a color your born with, it’s a color one can choose to be. Orange, isn’t the most flattering, because it isn’t natural. Love, is.

I spoke to a guy I love, a friend, who loves people. He is from another country. He told me that people who are mean, are powdered blue. Well, I was amazed. People of all colors, are mean. People of all colors, are good. People of all races, genders, and orientations are both. The choice to keep reinvesting in life, is ours. Fear, holds us back from experiencing the freedom, of love. The “not fear”. The not afraid of other people, and what they may or may not do to or for us. People find reasons to hate. Good reasons, to them. All people, aren’t the same. People find reasons to love too. People, like the ones I love, are both. They talk a great game. Love is where it’s at! Yes, and so is fear. That person, again, is me. I decide. I’m the only one th at can choose to make myself calm and comfortable, or completely pissed off and angry, or hurt and alone. I decide. I do it all, in my thoughts. In my words. In how I treat people. In how I train myself to think and behave everyday. So, I’ve decided, to be more positive.

How? How do you decide and truly follow through with being positive? It’s a process. The process, is every choice we make daily, to support love. That also includes you. As mundane and as ridiculous as it may sound, the lame, daily choices, are also love and fear. Did I eat breakfast today? No. I’m too fat. Ok, starve. Good idea. Yes. The love? Not there. That compounds itself. I’m ornery cause I haven’t eaten. My son, is being himself. A crazy excitable 9 ¾ year old. “Stop being yourself! It’s irritating me!” Ok, a dumb example? Maybe. But that’s life. And those little choices, feeds into bigger issues. Issues we all face daily, and decide on, depending on our moods, our environments, our peer groups, our lives we’ve lived up til the point we decide. “I hate this race, this creed, this orientation! They are this. I know this to be true! I’ve encountered it daily!”

The love, starts internally, and exits out into the world, with you as its filter. I am fear, as most people today are. I feel out of control, and alone a lot of the time. I feel misunderstood and hurt, and sad. But, I recognize my part in this equation. My part, is the key variable to the answer I desire. That answer, is love. Love, decides to be open, and accepting, and understanding of others. My son, deserves that.

So I open, and I’m vulnerable, and I try again. Life has a funny way of showing you what you think. So please, choose wisely. Because love is either for you, or not, depending on your point of view.

So peace, is important for your daily comfort. And it’s a wonderful thing to feel peace of mind, and body. But love, is something that we all need, from one another. So life, is a balance. I’m not balanced. I’m all peace, but not a lot of people. The last few years, I’ve shut down. No one, was allowed in. The fear, has been overwhelming. Ask anyone. “Have you seen Kari at all over the last 10 years?” Most would say no. I’m not a person who allows the open to overtake me. But I do believe that I can decide differently, when I’m ready. I have decided, that I want to have love in my life, while I’m here to enjoy it. The only way to do that, is to be, open to it. I can’t decide how yet, but I do know, that I’m ready to try. I think, much to my chagrin, that the answer, to openness and vulnerability, is forgiveness.

I’ve heard it said by a seriously wise group of people, that to forgive, doesn’t even exist. Forgiveness is a thing that we focus on, but the focus on the problem, is still all wrapped up in the need to forgive. So the best way to get past the problem? Love. Love supersedes all issues of who’s right, and who’s wrong. Love enables cooperation and support, and kindness and caring for all people and their need to be loved as well. When you love, the actions that feel good to rectify all issues, come pretty easily. It’s called, “inspired action”. So, when the time comes, and I’m inspired to do so, I guess I’ll give that a shot… Everyone deserves to be loved the way they feel comfortable. So I will do my best, to support people, in the way they desire to be supported. I’ve learned the hard way, that not everyone appreciates the point of view I hold. But I also won’t stop loving, because someone else, tells me I should. That’s a boundary I refuse to cross, because I’m the boundary. I’m that one, that decides that love is who I am, and who everyone is, regardless of how they act, or what they say to me. So love, is something not all decide to embrace, but the reason, I do, is for me, and for all who may not get me. I am, love, whether it’s accepted as fact, or not. Belief is a beautiful thing. It affords you the right time define yourself any which way you choose. And I will now choose, to believe what you tell me about you, our of respect for your beliefs. The love I feel now, is unconditional, so the love I receive, doesn’t have to be reciprocated by the one who chooses not to. It’s only, for me. So love, is for whomever chooses it. And I do now, for the good of the whole.

“Oh yeah?!? Say that shit to my face!” “Well, I would if you didn’t block me” “I REFUSE to be your friend!” “I understand, and respect your decision.” “Fuck you, and your love, shit!” “Yes. I’m what you believe I am.”

When you are solid in who you think you are, sometimes when people oppose your beliefs that love turns straight to fear. And it shows up disguised as love to read all the people who hate you. The people you think, hate you, and the people who don’t, the love disgusted as fear, can be honesty. But honesty without love? Not cool. Because it’s people that matter, not being right, and not proving a point. I made that mistake with people I respect and love a lot. Quite a few. But I now decide, to be myself, and allow me, to forgive (cause sometimes the label is necessary) me. I made mistakes. I decided love is more important than people. I won’t make that mistake again. So let’s change the narrative of the last scene, shall we? Here we go: “I can’t go down like this!!!” “Down like what?” “Not loving!” “Ok, lets change it!” “I hate too! Not loving, cause it hurts..” yes” “I hate, not caring!” “Yes!” “Cause it’s painful!” “Preach!” “I hate, not being good to myself! Cause I want to be, for the whole… of me” “and all of the “me”s in the world, thank you. Because the whole of us, is comprised of me’s.” Yeah. Thank me.” “I’m welcome.” “I forgive me.” “All is already forgiven” “I love me.” “I love me too.” “I love you.” Easier, now, to love, because the love has been established already, from within.

Life will present the situations. Our job, is to decide to accept or deny the call to love. Love, is always inviting us to join the party. The party, is life. Be part of the life party. Choose to love people, of all viewpoints. Please join me there. I’ll be the one wearing the rainbow of ALL of us, in her mind.

[asianadjacent]

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

Growing up, I wanted to be a lawyer, marine biologist, golf course designer, lawyer, pro-athlete (preferably in the NBA), and a long line of other professions that caught my eye at any given time. I had dreams of following my heart, my passions and one day hitting the last second Game 7 winner over an outstretched hand to win my third NBA championship. 

On the other hand, my father would frustratingly ask me to focus, pick a thing, anything, and stick to it. Ever the pragmatic and practical one, he would constantly preach, “love what you do, not do what you love”. He understood that hard work, perseverance and sheer focus would eventually lead to greatness, measured in monetary values, will eventually follow. 

This was his way, and his way has been proven to work.

He was a child born to first generation Chinese migrants in Malaysia, who moved to Southeast Asia in search of a better life. In those days, I don’t think my dad’s side of the family had much to their name. My gong going was a policeman (and later security guard), while my ma ma was a seamstress (along with many other jobs) - working hard to provide for their four kids, where my dad was the oldest. 

Details were scarce to come by growing up, nor did I bother to find out more. Stories of going hungry, scraping and saving for special meals with chicken legs were foreign to me. Perhaps this is why my father grew up to be a pragmatic man, a man single-mindedly focused on hard work regardless of the subject or field.

He would go on to be the first one in his family to study at university, relying on student and family loans to become an engineer, later turning his profession to purchasing, and eventually overseeing the entire regional supply chain for one of the largest aerospace companies in the world. He retired at 50.

My mother, equally as pragmatic, stayed at home with us after my little sister was born, giving up her career in education to raise us across the continents - making sure we were always taken care of, regardless of where we were in the world. While my dad at least had work to cling to, my mum always had to find new friends, establish a support network and navigate day-to-day life in places strange to her that would eventually become homes. I now see how tough that must’ve been for her, having to start from scratch every time we moved.

Unlike the previous generations, my siblings and I are children born of privilege, the opposite to my father’s upbringing. We are products of globalism, growing up across three continents and access to more opportunity in our lifetime than most. Thanks to my parents, we had less boundaries and limitations placed on us, which led to us having limitless dreams and passions, endless rabbit holes to go down. Both my sisters have found their way, one pursued the creative field, with design as her field; the other, a soon-to-be lawyer.

I’m still in my thirties, still searching for that thing to stick to. I’ve never had a plan and have continuously stumbled from one thing to another for as long as I remember. I stumbled into university in Singapore, where I studied Communications because I believed that I was a good communicator. After graduation, I logically ended up at a Communications agency, which felt like pointless amounts of work for what ultimately amounted to press releases and endless bylines about fraud prevention to be picked up in obscure trade publications in Romania.

Digital agencies were my next thing, where digital was the cool thing and still continues to be what I work in. However, even that sometimes can feel like an obscenely large amount of work for something as trivial and pointless as a corporate website for a B2B telecommunications company that provided networking middleware to consumer telecommunications and media companies. Other times, I stumble across work that will genuinely make a difference to the lives of people, which makes all of the pointless bullshit worth it in the end.

And so maybe I am in the right field, my interests too broad and too wide to ever be contained. Like many others born of privilege and opportunity, I have yet to find the thing that I would be willing to bet it all on, fully commit until I’m a success or dead. For those of you that know me, maybe it will be food, maybe it won’t.

Even with my never-ending fascination with food, I would struggle to give a straight answer if you pressed me on what I wanted to do with this passion. Is it to start a food business? To write about it? To work with people that work in it

Funnily enough, my dad, in his retirement, has already done more in the food business as I sit here pontificating and philosophising. There was no hesitation, no moment of indecisiveness, and no should-I-or-shouldn’t I. He saw an opportunity and just went ahead and did it. He’s now exporting and importing food stuffs as a retirement hustle.

Perhaps one day, I will learn about the stories behind the decisions that both my mum and dad made, how they actually came to be and see if I can pick up any lessons from their story to find my way. Until then, I’ll just keep on stumbling.

[land-of-classpects-and-analysis]

i hope this isn't a bother or a distraction to you right now, but could i get a little taste of an heir of life? i'm pretty sure i've seen you do other heirs and i really wanna see what amazing analysis you might have in store for the future when you do heirs!!

Of course you can have a small preview of, arguably, possibly one of my favorite Classpects! I can also promise you are most definitely not bothering nor distracting me from things, either!

For the sake of time and my wrists, I’ll drop in here what I’ve already said about the overall Heir Class!:

Heirs are those who subconsciously, almost instinctively, drift towards any and all instances of their Aspect. Whether it is always finding themself taking charge and being the leader, having a life of misery, suffering and pain with no real comfort to speak of, or fading into the shadows and remaining ignorant to the truths of a flawed system. The Heir is one who both gravitates towards their Aspect, but it is one that rarely often helps them - at least in the beginning.

It is because of this subconscious gravitation that the Heir is at risk of becoming fully submissive to the whims of their Aspect, losing every other sense of who they are in the process. While some Heirs may not see any problems with this, it is a thought that may startle and even turn Heirs into those who try to fight back against the strings their Aspect has tied to them. They are the only ones who can control their fates, whether it is by fighting back against and taking full control of their Aspect or allowing for it to fully overtake and override who they are, leaving them to be an unfortunate husk of who they once were.

Heirs are those who usually passively Manipulate their Aspect, or Manipulate through it. Their powers come to them naturally, after all, but their main problem is having to learn how to use their powers to benefit the team rather than only themselves. Overall, their personalities are often ones filled with passion and loyalty, especially when it comes to their opinions, values, and beliefs. Changing an Heir’s mind on something they enjoy can be difficult, sometimes even to the point where it feels like you are talking more to a wall than an actual person.

Now, as for the Heir of Life themself, they are simply someone who often tries to give too much of themself at once - they seek to heal and mend and fix what has been broken, wash away the scorched scars that cover those they love and the planet they love on, but they can’t. They are only human, and they can’t fix all that is wrong in the world. The Heir of Life does not care, though, as they will continue to try over, and over, and over again to fix as much as they can, to help as many people as they can at once, always taking on more weight of people’s issues all while trying to juggle their own. Although some of the Heir’s own friends may try and tell them to take a break, take care of themself, make boundaries, practice what they preach, and more, the Heir of Life may smile back at them oh-so-sweetly while promising that they will try, that they will do better about taking care of themself. Everyone knows, though, for they have all had this conversation one too many times, that the Heir of Life will always find a way to once again stretch themself too thin, set themself ablaze to keep others warm, sacrifice their own health so as to give more kindness and prosperity to the people in their lives who would not even think twice of returning the favor. The Heir of Life does not mind, though, because knowing they have made others happy is all they need. Right? Right?

The Heir of Life is someone who may naturally gravitate towards Life, the Aspect of growth, happiness, life itself, positivity, healing, and more. Because of this, they are someone who will often be the first responder to when someone asks for a shoulder to lean on, or a soul to listen to them vent. They are the person - the friend - who will drop everything they are doing and try to help someone find their way through the darkness of negativity they are experiencing. While they may have extensive knowledge of how to fix things, how to make things better, oftentimes the Heir of Life will find that their good-hearted actions will go to the people and places filled with selfishness. People who, admittedly, do not want to be fixed, or healed, or mended, but rather just want someone to coddle and enable their self-destructive behaviors while also leeching off of their loving ways. Yet they have so much love to give, so much empathy, sympathy, and compassion in their heart, that to even say no to giving love and healing to even the most rotten soul is something the Heir of Life can’t even bear to think about, even if it means continuing to hurt themself in the process.

However, while the Heir of Life may be able to ignore their own pain and suffering as they continue to coddle and enable the toxic, leeching behavior of others, as well as healing their own friends of their worries and problems. Except, there is one worry the Heir of Life will never be able to truly heal away from their true friends - and that is the worry that the Heir of Life may fully lose themself in the ways of healing, mending, and sewing things back together. Their friends - their true friends - are the ones who must sit and watch as the Heir continues to scratch themself out too thin until, finally, something snaps and the Heir of Life is sent spiraling into a mental state of pure and utter despair and anger. An Heir of Life at their worst can be a truly vicious and venomous person to be around, as they spare no expense as to who will be met with a snap and a bite from the Heir themself. Someone so sweet and unassuming becoming a force of overall destructive, for the self or otherwise, behavior, and who will take down anyone they deem to be worthy of experiencing the same despair as them is often a trademark trait of the Heir of Life.

It is a vicious and ever-spinning cycle for the Heir of Life; being an unrelenting healer, offering their help to all who will take it, falling prey to those who only seek to use and abuse the Heir, leaving their true friends to become bystander witnesses to the Heir’s suffering and grievances, and finally, the Heir having enough and reclaiming their right for self-care and self-love, all the while hurting many other people, good and bad, along the way. While it may be a cycle, much like of life and death, it is a cycle that can be broken. For as much as the Heir of Life loves to help as many as they can, once they come to realize how much their self-destructive ways harms not only themself, but also the friends who love and care for the Heir, they will discover that this isn’t who they truly want to be - they don’t want to give away all of their help to those who don’t deserve it, especially when they have people who are far more deserving of such tender-love-and-care. As such, the Heir of Life would have to find a way to break away from the strings of their Aspect, while also continuing to be the healer they so deeply desire to be.

For the powers, they are rather interesting when one takes a moment to contemplate them. After all, what does it mean to manipulate Life or even manipulate through it? Well, let’s try - keyword being try - to go over both options very, very briefly, so as to avoid any big spoilers before the time comes for the Heir of Life to fully shine! To start off, let’s go with the far more simple option of manipulating Life - though, as easy as it may sound, the fact that Life can stand for so many different things can put quite an interesting twist on this power. For now, let’s look towards the more literal version of Life, primarily with people’s life force as well as that of plant-life. An Heir of Life could come along and manipulate the life force of anyone they wanted to, whether it is by expanding a mortal’s lifespan by hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions of years, or doing the exact opposite - manipulating someone’s life to become far more disheveled and closer to death. Of course, they could also manipulate someone’s Life in the form of aging certain parts of that person, while leaving everything else relatively untouched. If the Heir of Life so wanted, they could turn their enemy’s skeleton and/or insides into dust, leaving them hollow on the inside and, of course, dead. Then there is the manipulation of Life in the form of plants - which could become more akin to that of, perhaps, a type of Cleric or Warlock who has a domain or pact that allows for them to bring about a horrific army of plants. While they can’t exactly create these plants from thin air, so long as there is any sign of plant-life in the immediate area, the Heir of Life could so easily take it and turn it into something as simple as an ocean or mass of thorned tendrils, or give far more sentient life to the plants, making them an entire plant-based animal to do the Heir’s bidding more than anything.

As for the ability to manipulate through Life, this power is one that could take a far darker turn, especially if the Heir of Life using it has simply had enough of feeling like some old, beat-up, and thrown away doll. They would still be a healer, oh most certainly, but there would always be a small price for their helpful services. Heirs may be somewhat awkward individuals, but they still are people who attract others to them, one way or another. Because of this, if the Heir of Life truly wanted to play a little dirty, then they could use their Life powers as a means to twist the arms of those that have wronged them. After all, wouldn’t it be just a shame if people were to find out the star of a show was secretly some criminal, or that the person with a tragic home-life is just simply spoiled and not getting their way? Wouldn’t it just be a shame if all of these deep, deep dark secrets were to get out? The Heir of Life thinks so, and since people just love to come to them and talk about all of their problems, then the Heir believes their enemies would also agree how truly devastating it would be for the harsh truths to come out. If the Heir of Life wants to get something, then they know exactly how to get it.

Hopefully this helps to give you a little taste as to what the Heir of Life has to offer for when Month of the Heir comes rolling around!

[kob131]

https://itsclydebitches.tumblr.com/post/613974327525883904/one-of-the-worst-parts-of-the-entire-volume-7

One of the worst parts of the entire Volume 7 clusterfuck is that by not saying any of the truth about Salem team RWBY has actively helped Salem more than any other person or group in the entirety of the show through a single action and even with the Ace Ops and Ironwood "turning" on them there really is no acknowledgement of the sheer horror that should be had at what they did. They chose to let an entire nation of people blindly march off to their deaths and they have the moral high ground?

Because they didn’t, seeing as they told the truth later on. And wouldn’t Ironwood turning on them BE the sheer horror after how much we got to know him?

It really does confuse me. So many people are insisting that Ironwood is the one causing division because:

Oh this should be good.

He’s taking resources from Mantle… to build a means of uniting the whole world, an action that he believes will eliminate the Salem problem completely.

And Ozpin lied to try and unite the world and give it hope: he still lied and shouldn’t have done that because he never considered how damaging that would be to his cause. Just like Ironwood not helping Mantle wouldn’t work if Mantle’s a god damn ghost town.

He refuses to work with Robyn… even though he doesn’t refuse, merely points out that they both need to find common ground for an alliance to work, while she’s the one proving that he was right to mistrust her (stealing supplies, spying on his projects, trying to use her semblance in front of Jacques, immediately abandoning Ironwood the moment he makes a decision she doesn’t like).  

They HAD common ground: Help the people. You even admit she worked with the man the moment he proved he was trying to help. And guess what caused her to side against him? Him trying to arrest Qrow (in her eyes, an innocent man) and DITCHING MANTLE. 

He arrests Team RWBY… because they made it clear they wouldn’t support him first. They’re the ones who broke this alliance, telling him in no uncertain terms that if he didn’t do things their way they would stand against him. More importantly, they broke that alliance weeks ago by lying to him and keeping secrets right at the start. If RWBYJNR doesn’t trust Ozpin because of those lies why in the world would they expect Ironwood to trust them? Throw in Blake and Yang betraying him again and it’s clear that they were never willing to work with him. They’re only willing to use him as a resource that follows their orders, free of compromise.

... You wanna know what kills your argument before you even make it?

Being biased.

‘he didn’t do things their way’ = ‘Leaving Mantle to die to save Atlas’

‘keeping secrets right at the start’ = ‘Ironwood did the same thing with Amity’

‘’They’re only willing to use him as a resource’ = ‘Ironwood is making a decision that fundamentally goes against Team RWBY’s and his own principles.’

This whole post so far has been blaming other people or making excuses for Ironwood’s own decisions and their consequences. For people who bitch at the ones defending Team RWBY for doing, you sure are comfortable doing it yourself.

The only thing Ironwood has done to arguably divide people is decide to leave with Atlas and, as I’ve pointed out extensively elsewhere, that’s a matter of trying to save some in the face of inevitable destruction.

An ‘inevitable destruction’ they don’t know is ‘inevitable’.

What does it matter if the Kingdom is divided if the entire Kingdom is dead

Because he’s been preaching ‘save everyone’ for the whole Volume, it’s his duty as a public servant and leaving people to die will just make everyone angry and distrustful of him...which will lead them to die ANYWAY.

That’s the same issue we’ve seen in regards to his supposed dictator choices, like having a curfew and letting his robots roam the streets. Does that feel like an unpleasant thing that may infringe on people’s individual rights? Yep. Is that helping to ensure that people don’t get eaten by grimm? Yep.

Because authoritarian dictators have never used a crisis to seize power and not like America, the country PRODUCING RWBY, is fundamentally against this shit.

If you want a current semi-comparative example, look to the regulations in place due to Corvid-19. There are people going, “You can’t make me stay home. It’s my right to go wherever I please. It’s not right to demand that I stay indoors/give up my vacation/not leave the state/etc. because I am entitled to those freedoms.” But of course the obvious push-back to that is, "These rules are in place to help keep everyone alive.

At the cost of making them miserable and distrusting in the government, which leads to people ignoring ALL Covid regulations, even the non-invasive ones, and then people start dying again but no one cares at that point because they feel the government has ignored and abused them. Kind of like what happened with Ironwood and Mantle, as Mantle became hostile towards him as he never tried to understand or compromise with them.

Sometimes people in power claim that there are justified reasons for their infringements on peoples’ rights when in fact those reasons are total BS, but I don’t think Ironwood is one of those cases.

You’re so biased for the guy I doubt you would admit it even if you though Ironwood was like that. And even then, so called ‘justified reasons’ still aren’t reasons to infringe on people’s rights. 

It’s a matter of, “You might not like having robots in the street but they’re there so they can at best take out grimm and worst buy you time to run away,” which is precisely what we saw when the group first arrived.

And then they all got fucked when said regulations caused such a volatile state that when Jacques took advantage, it began a chain reaction that caused the Grimm to attack and everything in the climax to happen.

If Ironwood wanted to be a dictator he would have declared martial law ages ago. Instead his thinking has always been balanced between what is right and what is practical: what do I need to do to keep my people alive? They can be pissed at me all they want, but at least they exist to be pissed.

You don’t need a want to make mistakes and do bad shit: all it takes is being misguided. Ironwood never shows he considers what is right, only what is practical within the boundaries he thinks is right. He never listened to others until before Salem and it continuously costed him. 

You know, for as much flak he got, Ozpin shows why his way worked better than Ironwood. Yeah he lied to but he also considered the feelings of others, he listened to them, he accepted their arguments and went out of his way to try and accommodate them. Because of this, even now, everyone is still loyal to him in some way. They’re all chasing flawed versions of Ozpin’s way, because the man lived long enough to see the path that was best.

Like we’re going, “Yes, we will fine you for leaving your house without a permit so you don’t contract and spread this deadly disease.” Ironwood is going, "Yes, I will require that you keep the streets clear so that you don’t draw in and get eaten by these deadly creatures.”

And then the people said “We don’t care anymore, you have shown us no reason to trust you.”

You cannot ignore the people’s wishes forever without consequence.

The blurry line between protection and infringement will always be debated, but to my mind Team RWBY’s perspective is far too much on the other side of things.

Cool, you’ve proceeded to understand HALF the conflict. 50% is still a failing grade though.

It’s dangerously naive.

Same with you. Meanwhile, Ironwood is dangerously pessimistic, disregarding others viewpoints and feelings to march ahead, never realizing he’ll never reach his goal because his methods destroyed any chance at it. Down to even ignoring a fundamental aspect of human nature.

They want to win this war without anyone going through any hardship and, while noble, that’s just not possible.

... Yang lost an arm and they’ve watched people DIE.

That is HIGHLY reductionist of their view. 

hey can wish and strive for that all they want, but so long as that keeps them from making logical decisions—like saving at least some of the Kingdom when you have no plan to avoid total annihilation—then they’re hurting more than they’re helping.

Meanwhile, Ironwood can make all the ‘practical’ decisions he wants, but as long as he continues to ignore fundamental aspects of human nature, like opposing oppression even if it means mutual destruction, he can’t save anyone.

Ironwood, like Ozpin, understands that winning any war, let alone a war against an enemy like Salem, is going to be rife with hard and messy choices. Which means that there will always be division.

And Ozpin went out of his way to ensure UNITY. He tried to be as honest as he could be with people, consider their feelings, stand by his principles.

Let me ask you: Why doesn’t Ozpin just take away four baby girls from their parents and raise them to be the Maidens as his undeniably loyal underlings? Lock the Maidens away so no one can ever get to them, thus preventing their power from falling into the wrong hands? Why doesn’t he just declare open war on Salem and sacrifice countless lives to forever keep her in check? 

Why doesn’t Ozpin act like a worse version of Ironwood?

Because he knows better than to do this.

here’s literally no choice in existence that keeps everyone happy and safe and never feeling any negative feelings about the shit storm raging around them. Salem wins in that regard simply by virtue of the fact that life is hard and life isn’t fair. Accepting that hardships will exist and trying to mitigate the damage from them doesn’t make Ironwood a villain and it certainly doesn’t make him as bad as Salem.

Yeah, it just makes him as bad as the people he turned against.

The person causing division as an inevitable byproduct of trying to save the entire world is not the same thing as the woman trying to wipe out that world.

It does make him as bad as his predecessor.

Yeah, remember the Great War in RWBY? The one that started because of events in Mantle. Events that infringed on the citizen’s rights for survival’s sake and it did the opposite, causing a fuckton of death and destruction?

Yeah, Ironwood is doing the SAME BASIC THING the King of Mantle did. He’s REPEATING his land’s own mistakes.

When you ask that Ironwood be seen as the good guy here, you ask that people not only ignore events in the show, events in real life, the foundation of the country RWBY is made in, the foundation of the show itself but the foundation of the people he’s trying to save.

That doesn’t work.