#i promised myself to leave it in 2022

[zakaye]

okay, I'm still on my break from internet/social media, but i have decided on something so a question to everyone:

does anyone here play hypixel skyblock and wants a ot of money and items

i need to delete my profiles there because I KEEP. COMING. BACK. but also there is a lot of stuff there that im sure others would love to have. so. if anyone wants it, dm me about it because i cannot keep grinding hypixel skyblock in year 2024

[lttawnymadison]

TGCF Revised Version Afterword by MXTX

Since I kept seeing snippets of this, I wanted to read the whole thing for myself. I'd already bought the book on JJWXC and did an MTL for this. It's so wonderful that she's back and sharing new things and that the revised is finally done! - Tawny --------------------------------------------- The author has something to say:

Seeing the small red clay stove again.

———— Afterword of "Heaven Official's Blessing" 2022

■ Finally done!

Long time no see! It's another afterword starting with "finally." Without further ado, seasoned readers would know that I make substantial revisions. For instance, scenes like the Bai Feng Mountain Hunt and the ending recognition of Sizhui in the serial version of "Mo Dao Zu Shi" were not originally there.

The revisions in "Heaven Official's Blessing" are the most extensive of all my works. It was a huge project, as it is also the longest in terms of length, serialized over eight months. Due to poor health and other reasons, the revision process was interrupted for a long time before I picked it up again, and it sporadically took about five to six months over several years.

In the era of web novels, there are endless new entertainments, and honestly, not many people re-read a story. Plus, some problems in the serialized version are structural and can't be changed, but I still tried my best to address my regrets. After all, when I was serializing it, I was almost always in a feverish and sick state, barely pushing through. Additionally, I often enjoy comparing different versions of my favorite authors' works back and forth, finding pleasure in the process. So, for readers, discovering "Wow, this part has changed!" is like starting a new journey with Easter eggs in a second round.

■ The new revised version includes about 100,000 words of new content!

These 100k words are mainly concentrated in the latter half of Volume 1 and Volume 3, but there are plenty scattered throughout the text. For example, I fulfilled a promise to A-Hua, giving him several new outfits. Seeing A-Hua dressed beautifully in a new hairstyle to meet his gege made me happy.

In terms of the intensity of revisions, personally, I feel it goes like this:

Volume 1 and Volume 2 > Volume 3 > Volume 5 > Volume 4.

Additionally, the new version cuts some redundant words and plots that weren't very meaningful. However, I tried to keep all the original interactions between Hua Lian as complete as possible. If some minor interactions are missing, they weren't deleted but moved around.

■ One day, I suddenly dug out something.

An antique from 2017, a folder called "Heaven Official's Blessing Setting Collection."

Curiously, I opened it and read with interest.

● Comparing the original setting outline and the main text, the highest fidelity is in the main storyline between Hua Cheng and Xie Lian.

A-Hua, restored at a ratio of 1:100.

Hua's character setting is the most detailed, and virtually every point made it into the main text, including details like "ghosts don't like the sun, so Hua Cheng sometimes drapes a red cloth over his head"...

Points not used, listed a few:

As a child:

· After being saved from falling off a city wall, he foolishly followed a parade over and over again, grabbing people to ask, "Who is that? Who is that person?" People told him, "That's the royal son, the future Celestial God, the most outstanding Crown Prince of Xianle Nation ever!"

(This point couldn't be used because in the text A-Hua was held in the Crown Prince's arms after being saved)

· At home, he was often punished to stand or kneel, not given food, and wore old clothes, accused of stealing money. Whenever he argued with his family, he would stubbornly sleep in the Prince's temple overnight.

· Went to Mount Tai Cang to volunteer sweeping red leaves at Huangji Observatory, just to sneak peeks at his future wife happily swinging.

After becoming the ghost king:

· One of his hobbies is buying and building houses everywhere.

· Very protective of his leather boots, would (badly) polish them until they shone.

· To other devout followers of Xie Lian, he said: "You have good taste."

· Secretly prepared many betrothal gifts for his beloved god, wanting to marry him!

The character setting of Xie Lian as a teacher in the serialized version compared to the initial draft, the serialized text subtly differs. The initial draft was more... exquisite and elegant, very serious. The serialized text is more... humorous. I think perhaps because some plot points were tragic, Xie Lian thought he should be happier to make the readers more relaxed, so he drove me to adjust his mental state! But due to the spiritual oppression at that time, the character's depth was not enough, while in the new revised version, I hope he can show a more self-content state on the same core basis.

Excerpts from the unused original setting:

· Super easy-going. Easy-going means: if given fifty bucks, he would happily dress in drag and dance. Accepts haggling. Thirty bucks works. Twenty bucks too!

· The observatory is small, the house is broken, wants to grow flowers. Leaks during rain, so he uses a bucket to catch rainwater.

· Because he can't afford a caretaker, he cleans himself, and also feeds chickens. Chickens eat flowers. Keeps a cat.

· Completely engrossed in discussing serious matters, he unknowingly finished all the broken sweet dumplings!

● Water, Earth, Wind original setting:

The highest fidelity is the main line between Hua Cheng and Xie Lian, followed by the Water, Earth, Wind subplot.

The main conflict hasn't changed. Just... how could the original setting of Water, Earth, Wind be so dark and terrifying!

The character morals in the main text improved a lot, otherwise, the original Black Water would be sheer scheming + murderous! The ending for the Wind Master would have been more tragic.

The Venerable of Empty Words suddenly became an improvised character. It seemed like an ancient fable-like monster, making the main text more interesting than the original setting.

Overall, the formal version is a bit better written than the original draft.

● The unfortunate life of Lang Ying:

Lang Ying? Is there such a character? I don't remember!

Ah? It seems there was such a person, but I don't remember any of his plotlines.

This is most people's feeling towards the character of Lang Ying. It's not a delusion because he barely had any significant plot. In fact, any valuable scenes could have been replaced equivalently, so in the new revised version, I deleted this character.

But, in the 2017 setting collection, I suddenly found that I had actually opened a separate document for Lang Ying, and his role was defined as a "growing-type BOSS!"

I was silent.

And immediately opened the document, curious about my initial setting. A "growing-type BOSS," how did he become someone whose deletion went unnoticed...? (I even don't know how to address him!)

Who knows, perhaps out of excitement, I accidentally pressed the wrong shortcut, and somehow it became irreversible, leaving only an empty document for me to stare in disbelief. The once "growing-type BOSS" has now forever become a mystery!

This is the unfortunate life of the deleted Lang Ying.

· There was another document in the setting collection called "Swordsmith." I opened the document and read it with interest.

I was shocked. Because I completely forgot I had conceived this story. Why didn't I write it?!

Darn.

I know why I didn't write it. This story... it had no ending!

——————— Thus, the magical glimpse into the "Heaven Official's Blessing Setting Collection" concludes!

■ I like men with stories!

Maybe because I watched an outstanding work as a child. It was a memoir, the protagonist in the biography was gentle and affable, and the protagonist in the memories was cold and ruthless. The story was scattered with the poignant fragrance of white plum blossoms amidst bloody and stormy circumstances.

This almost perfect work deeply influenced my aesthetics, leading me to be most interested in the memory parts of characters in various works. Although many viewers prefer the present scenes, often asking when the memories will end, I actually find these intense and painful memories to be the most fascinating!

A story is the history of a character, as well as the key to their personality. A person with a story stands before me like a puzzle. The way to solve this puzzle is to understand their story. Because the biography makes one curious to know more about a character they like, loving them more now because of their past. When serializing "Heaven Official," my greatest pain initially was telling myself, "This time I don't want to write a memory slaughter," deliberately trying to avoid a structure similar to previous works, yet I still hadn't found a better way to express it, resulting in my deep dissatisfaction with the later part of Volume 1. I was also hesitant to fully commit to the memory scenes in Volume 2, and with the heavy mental burden, this part was very painful to write. When revising, looking at Volume 2 was almost unbearable, because I'm the type of person who, as a child, would immediately switch channels when a TV show's protagonist was about to be wrongfully accused or embarrassed. I couldn't help but knock on a friend's door and ask:

Me: Was the author suffering some kind of mental trauma at the time? This negative energy is too horrifying, the protagonist is so pitiful, I really admire anyone who could read through Volume 2 completely.

Friend: Do you even have the right to say that?

But the memory slaughter in Volume 4 was much freer, written in one breath, so the revisions for this volume were also the least.

So, will you still write large segments of memory slaughter?

Um, well, we'll see, haha, hehe...

■ Closing Remarks:

Lastly, I'll address the question some asked me, "Will the new revised 'Heaven Official's Blessing' be more torturous?"

Me: You're talking nonsense. 'Heaven Official's Blessing' is a sweet pampering story, thank you!

Acknowledgments:

Shi Nai'an wrote in the preface to "Water Margin": "On snowy nights, about five or six people listen to my storytelling; on rainy days, about seven or eight; on bright and sunny days, about ten. I read, everyone listens, and we are all happy, with no other thoughts." When I read this as a young person, I was delighted. What divine days! Writing first to entertain oneself, then to entertain others. Self-expression and self-acceptance are certainly primary, but the affection of others is also a significant positive feedback. Thus, first, I thank the steadfast readers who have accompanied me all this time. I've thought about just walking away amidst the noisy disputes; abandoning the account amidst the tumultuous world! It seems not bad. But looking back, I can't bear to leave some truly sincere readers.

I've had authors I liked disappear from the internet, and I always feel like a part of my youth has vanished, a feeling quite distressing, reminiscent of overly grand and harsh things like the tears of the era or the torrent of history. So, I want to accompany my readers as long as possible, hoping that the day of parting comes later. Perhaps I'm not good enough now, but I will strive to be better in the future. Or perhaps you've never truly understood what kind of person I am, or even completely misunderstood me, but as long as you genuinely like my stories, we can sit down and chat.

And, I must mention my friends, who can be described as having the courage of a hero. Long time no see, Teacher Changyang's illustrations are still as beautiful as those of a celestial being, I hope Teacher CAS can go to bed earlier and worry less, and Teacher Kuohao, who despite a heavy workload, still fully honored our agreement. The "Heaven Official's Blessing" radio drama is really fantastic! It reminded me of the original intention of writing this story, and I was very moved. If it weren't for the silent companionship and efforts of these old friends, Mo Xiang Tong Xiu might have stopped writing back in 2016, disappearing from the world of martial arts, and thus, "Heaven Official's Blessing" would not have been born. I look forward to retracing the paths we once walked together when gathering ideas. And many friends who reached out to help and encourage me, thank you for accompanying me through the snowy nights.

[nikibogwater]

Everybody sit down and strap in, 'cause I have a doozy of a tale to share.

I've had anxiety for literally as long as I can remember. I've had periods of my life where it was so intense it became legitimately life-threatening (don't worry I promise this is going somewhere funny). And this was really bizarre because I have zero childhood trauma. Like, my family life is so idyllic it's almost comical. Therapists would do abuse screenings on me and look utterly baffled when I told them everything was fine at home. They'd interrogate my parents just to make sure I wasn't lying. I have one friend who I'm fairly sure believed I was just severely gaslighting myself when I said my family was great, school wasn't too stressful, and I've never lived in a dangerous neighborhood or experienced poverty.

Anyways, despite no one being able to figure out where my disorder was coming from, my doctors were able to help me manage the symptoms so that I would like, not die, and actually be able to finish high school. Which was awesome. Now fast forward to late 2021. My big sister (who has also had intense anxiety her whole life which no one could figure out why) is finishing up her doctorate and getting her physical therapist's license. Somehow, during all her studying and schooling, she finds out about this thing called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which explains literally everything that was going on with us. EDS is a connective tissue disorder that kinda fudges up your body in a whole bunch of little ways, including dysautonomia (episodes of very fast heart-rate that kick your body into fight-or-flight mode), and hypermobility (unusual flexibility). It's a spectrum disorder, so the severity of symptoms vary from person to person, but we definitely checked almost every box on the diagnostic list. My sister went to see a specialist, and yep, she was diagnosed EDS positive. She immediately calls my mom and goes "I know what's wrong with Niki" (thanks, sis, that's real encouraging lol). Initially we're like "okay Katie, that's nice" because honestly this kind of sounds like jumping at shadows, but I go in to see the specialist anyways just to make sure.

One consultation and diagnosis later, and suddenly my entire life makes perfect sense.

Now we get to the funny part. See, the diagnosis stuff happened in early 2022. So by the time late 2023 comes around and we're looking for a new dog (I promise this is relevant), we've been riding that chronic illness diagnosis for a while. Once again, my sister, ever the proactive one, decides she's going to help us get a new dog. She scours the adoption website, sends us photos of the cutest dogs available, and helps us make a decision. This is how we got Beverly, who has been an unstoppable force of chaos in our lives ever since we signed the papers (but she's also really cute so she can get away with it). Now on top of being a very excitable and anxious pupper, Beverly's got a weird little gimp in her hindquarters, which makes her sit all splayed-out and funny-looking, and while it doesn't seem to be causing her pain, we take her to a vet to get it checked out. Vet finds absolutely nothing. X-rays are taken and examined. Still nothing. At this point, they go "well, we could try a CT scan of her brain, which would run about $5,000, and maybe we could find something--" but my parents are already packing this dog into the car like "well that is a HARD nope." So we decide, look, Beverly seems happy and healthy, and those gimpy legs don't seem to bother her, so we'll just leave it be until it becomes clearer what's wrong with her because we do NOT have a cool $5,000 to throw around here.

Readers more astute than my family and I will likely have already figured out where this is going.

This morning, my mom is looking at Beverly sitting in her funny sprawled-out way, and something in her brain goes "wait...weird physical symptoms with no tracible cause that vets can see..." She does a bit of googling. Can dogs have EDS/Hypermobility? Yes. Yes they can. And the listed symptoms describe Beverly to a T.

So not only is my sister the one to finally figure out what's wrong with me, she also unknowingly got us a dog who has the exact same chronic condition as us. Meanwhile my poor dad, who is the only Normal Person in our house, is coming to terms with the fact that he is apparently just fated to always love chronically ill people and animals, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

[anyalovesu]

𝓐fter the Aftermath

 heeseung x medical school fem!reader

—you and heeseung are best friends and highschool sweethearts that broke up before you entered medical school. now one of your friends from your highschool friend group is getting married—and they want the whole gang back before the wedding.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

genre : angst with fluff ending ( slightly suggestive ending again lol )

pairings : heeseung x fem!reader

wc : 4.4k+ words

cw :

☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ oc is mentioned ( ida )

☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ non-idol!au

☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ heeseung and reader were immature and dense asf

☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ jake, chaeryeong, and reader casually refers each other as "bitch"

☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ ( ft. en- & chaeryeong from itzy )

☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ jay and mentioned oc are getting married

☾₊‧⁺˖⋆ not proofread ( yet )

song : already over - sabrina carpenter ( emails i can't send , 2022 ) & you're losing me - taylor swift ( from the vault , 2023 )

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

“A fucking Darry ring! Jay, you romantic fucker!” Chaeryeong squeals as soon as she sees the ring. “I didn't know you had it in you!”

“The fuck you mean you didn't know I had it in me? I've basically courted all three of you because you gatekept Ida so much in highschool!” Jay argued. To be fair, it really was the case. You three were looked at like feral cats whenever someone took the other. It took a lot of warming up for Heeseung back then when he started dating you. Ida and Chaeryeong have always been hesitant to let anyone in your heart, after all you have always been a woman with a goal and god knows what lengths your girls will take to make sure you get to your goals. You're just the same to them, so it was never a question for anyone. You never hesitated to bite whenever someone tried to hurt your girls. You saw each other through all of your phases, it was something that you learned overtime. 

“But a Darry ring…” Chaeryeong trailed, holding Ida’s hand, admiring the shining diamond ring on her ring finger. You weren’t going to lie, the ring was beautiful, somehow, it really encapsulates the beauty of your friend just as well. You supposed Jay just knows her that well. “You’re gonna be stuck with this bitch for the rest of your life, Jongseong.”

“The fuck did you just say?”

“I don’t mind,” he replies lovingly. 

You couldn’t help but feel your heart clench. You feel as though it was just yesterday when Heeseung would promise the same exact things to you and now you couldn’t bear to look at him. He was your bestfriend too—before you even met Chaeryeong and Ida. How did it even come to this?

“You’re quiet,” Jake chuckles, finding a seat next to you from the garden chair where you sat with your tablet, seemingly reviewing your fill for the weekend—bullshit, everyone knows you’re watching Chaeryeong admire the sparkling stone on Ida’s finger when everyone expected you and Heeseung to be the first to marry. And you thought so too. There was no other future than the one you once saw with Heeseung and it seemed to vanish into thin air when he needed more from you and there was nothing more than you could give. 

“Do you want me to let the entire building know I’m here like Chaer is right now?” You playfully ask, trying to pull a grin for him to stop speculating. 

“I’m saying all you have to do is admit that it hurts you, and it’s gonna feel a bit better.”

“I don’t have it in me to be hurt that my best friend is getting married to the love of her life.” You replied quietly, pretending to look at your tablet once again to avoid looking at Jake, who seemed to suddenly develop a magical skill to read your mind. “Ida deserves all that. I’m not supposed to be hurt that she’s going to spend the rest of her life with someone she wants to be with.”

“Ida does deserve to have her happy ending,” Jake nodded. “But it doesn’t make your feelings less valid.”

“I don’t get to be hurt over something that I brought upon myself.” You hummed, gathering your things to leave. But Jake managed to catch your hand, stopping you on your tracks.

“If he bothers you, just tell me and Chaer. We’ll take care of it.” He smiled at you pitifully before letting go of your hand. 

“Thank you.”

It’s been years. You should’ve been over this long ago, and even though some days feel better than the others, you couldn’t help but blame yourself for how things went down with you and Heeseung.

You could still vividly remember how you cried in your study while Heeseung screamed and begged for you to say something—to fight him about something, that even just for a glimpse, show that you still care—but you tried to block him off, fully knowing that Heeseung was already ready to walk out of your life if you didn’t say a word and start an argument with him. But your medical admissions exams were coming up—you couldn’t fail your medical admission exams, your dad is already barely making enough to send you and your sister to school and your mom was sickly. You couldn’t fail and risk another year of hardship for your family. 

Heeseung packed his bags and left that night. You didn’t reach out—kept pushing making sure you arose to the top of your class to retain your scholarship. 

It’s been 3 years now. Your sister is in college and you were in medical school by means of your inheritance from your spinster aunt who had just passed away. While your father doesn’t have to work just as much because of your inheritance, he still has to make a living for him and your mom. What caused your and Heeseung’s drift was long resolved, but you didn’t have him anymore. You were on your own now.

“Are you okay, noona?” Riki points out as he reaches out to take your hand, pulling you back to reality as you stand in what you thought was an empty hallway.  “You’re breathing fast.”

“Y-yeah, sorry.” You took your hand, immediately walking over to your shared room with Chaer to avoid talking about it even more.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

“Have you said something?” Jay asked curiously as he stood next to Heeseung who seemed busy playing billiards with Sunghoon and Jake. 

As if on cue, Sunghoon and Jake look up from the pool table to glance at Jay and Heeseung, who kept his eyes on the table, seemingly trying to ignore Jay. 

“Hyung, you can't keep on ignoring Y/N over something you were already aware of,” Jake sighed, looking at Heeseung intently. “You knew it was virtually impossible for her to give what you wanted her to give during that time.”

“Was it really that hard to give?” Heeseung spat at him, fuming that his friends are refusing to side with him on this one. “She could've said something!”

“Hee, you were asking her to marry you!” Jake argued. “Before M-DEET! You know how important that is for her! One point off on that exam and the scholarship is down the drain—and you thought it was the best time to propose? Heeseung, your best friend was about to break and you thought popping the question was a great idea?”

Jay was just as furious. How could Heeseung be that inconsiderate to you? You've been there for him in the best way that you could for more years than the rest of the group and never failed to give an answer to him in all of those years and the first time you failed to do so, he walked away and allowed you to blame yourself for it? He is insane to think that!

“She could've said no, Jongseong! She could've told me she didn't want to marry me—”

“Do you really think Y/N was no longer in love with you, that's why you walked away?” Sunghoon mumbles quietly. 

“Why else?” Heeseung rolls his eyes, staring at Sunghoon hard, slamming the cue stick on the table. “She was with Jake most of the time—she still is. Maybe she wanted to marry Jake!”

“Okay, foul—” Jake looked appalled at the accusation. “Number 1, maybe if you wanted to pursue medicine too, you would be in the conversation. Number 2, hyung, literally what the fuck—she spent the last three years wishing she said something because she loved the living fuck out of your stupid excuse of an existence. And number 3, if you don't get your ass together and make amends with Y/N, I swear to your stupid excuse of a living, God will ignore all your hopes and dreams like you are ignoring the truth right now.”

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

You say quietly by the deck, feet dipped in the cold lake water, listening to the cicadas sing their song for the night. It's been a while since you've had this kind of peace to yourself away from books and hospital halls. Don't get yourself wrong, you absolutely have no regrets on pursuing your dream—it wasn't just yours after all, it was your family's too. So, you really don't find it in you to regret putting everything in the line to chase for your medical degree. But man was it sad.

“You've been so quiet, babe,” Chaer mumbles quietly, which startled you a bit, making her laugh lightly as she settled next to you.

“The guys spoke to Heeseung-hyung,” Riki follows, sitting on your otherside. 

“Why aren't you with them?” You asked. It's also been a while since all of you had a break, it was concerning to you why Riki wasn't spending it with someone he could relate to better and instead is preferring to sit here in boredom with you.

“I see them every time. It's been a while since I saw you and I wanted to make sure you were okay. You looked a bit shaken up a while ago,” the younger explains, reaching for your hand to fiddle with it. His hands were warm, unlike yours. You've always had freezing hands, you reckon it was the lack of sleep that caused your low-iron levels. A bit ironic to be unhealthy while pursuing a health-related program, but you suppose that's the way that it has to go. “Your hands are never warm.”

“They used to.” Chaer joked, before leaning her head against your shoulder. 

“I'm going to push you bitch, don't try me,” you playfully threaten.

“But seriously, are you never going to talk about it?” Riki finally blurts out. “It's obviously taking a toll on you to be around him.”

“It's not the place for that—”

“Oh it is,” Chaer snorted. “It's all Ida and Jay are worrying about. You're going to be Ida's maid of honor and Heeseung is Jay's best man. You two are going to do a heck lot together when you take your break from school and start to do the wedding preparations with and for them. So it's smart to do this and let you guys sort it out. But the both of you seem to not get a fucking hint. So here we are.”

You sat flabbergasted at Chaer's expected bluntness. She always spoke before she could think, it was so in character of her to just blurt that out like it was nothing. 

“Sweetheart, the way you and Heeseung ended isn't doing it good for the both of you—so whether you're going to get back together or close it off for good is going to be beneficial for everyone, especially you, once it's done.” She continued. “I don't understand why you're always so passionate to help and take care of people but never seem to take care of yourself. You purposely put yourself through shit and just expect yourself to live normally with it.”

“Do I really have the resources to not be in shit, Chaer?” You asked quietly, watching the calm lake and the moon sitting quietly on the horizon, lighting up the deck along with the light fixtures in the nearby gazebo. “I had a family to sustain and he was asking me to start a life with him. I couldn't do that and he knew it.”

“And I wanted to do just that. I wanted to marry him—but what about my family? What about Eunchae? Eomma? Appa? If it was just me, I would've said something. I would've just argued my entire night with him because I loved him more than I could ever possibly love myself but our future was on the line the next day. Did he ever think of that? He was my best friend! He should’ve known that!”

Chaer sat there listening to her, sloshing the water her feet were in. It was the first time in three years you ever talked about it. It was always hard for you and you drowned yourself in school to ever have time to speak about how you felt. And honestly, it felt lighter now. Your face was wet with tears and your chest was clenching but it was lighter now. 

“I totally understand why Ida and Jay wanted to do this. But is it really possible? When Heeseung still thinks I just left him hanging for school?”

“Get your ass right there and speak it out, you wuss!” 

All three of your heads turn to where the deck started, to see Sunghoon and Jake holding Heeseung by both of his arms, Sunoo and Jungwon following behind, making sure to catch Heeseung if he escapes the two holding him. Not too far away from the back door of the rest house, Jay and Ida stood with Jay's arm around your best friend's shoulders, laughing at the scene unfolding before them. They are sneaky motherfuckers for managing to pull this off, that’s for sure.

“Well, I think it's a conversation you two have to make now,” Chaer chuckled evilly at you, placing a soft kiss on you cheek before pushing herself up to stand on the deck and helping you and Riki.

Soon enough you and Heeseung were left alone. It was quieter now that everyone was dragged by Chaer inside the house to leave the two of you alone to talk it out. 

Awkward. That’s what it is. You wouldn’t even look Heeseung in the eye. Were you afraid to fall for it again? Or were you afraid that it’ll taste more bitter now that you’re going to hear from Heeseung how selfish you were? Either way, it hurts. To be there and to not have the courage to say or do something. You could walk away… yeah that’s sensible. You could walk away and just leave things unsaid—it was the easy way out. But you know it’s not going to make anything better. 

“In your entire lifetime, have you ever thought of kissing Jake?” Heeseung blurts out, sitting perfectly still. So still, that his feet weren’t creating ripples on the water it was dipped in.

Your eyes shoot wide as you sharply turn your body towards him, finding him looking at you intently, waiting for your response. 

You? And Jake?

For as long as you could remember Jake has pined for Chaeryeong and you saw them as children that would die if they hadn’t got you to rely on ever since you started your pre-med. Jake has always been just a friend and for most of the years that you were friends with him, you were with Heeseung—you never thought of kissing Jake. You’ve always had Heeseung to do that with, it was nonsensical to think of ever kissing someone else.

Also, that was he thinking about all this time? That you and Jake were going to be a better pair than you and him?

“Is that why you walked away? You thought you would lose me to Jake?” You asked, appalled as you feel your heart doing somersaults inside your chest, gnawing at your ribcage, going berserk as you connect the dots right in front of you.

“Is it stupid?” he asked shamefully as he let out a huge sigh, eyes diverting towards his feet now. “You were with Jake for most of your time. I only see you when I come home from work after university and wake up with you getting ready to get in his car to start your day. What was I supposed to think?”

“Jake is your friend, Hee.” You utter, brows still furrowed but you didn’t have it in you to be mad at him—after all he had a point and you were finally hearing it for the first time. “Why would you think I would do that to you?”

“I know you wouldn’t. But Jake could. He has everything I don’t and I was immature to think that asking you to marry me would somehow give me comfort that it wasn’t going to happen because that’s what you do when people are upset. You offer them comfort. So when you weren’t arguing with me to somehow give me what I was needing that time I took it as a sign that I have already lost you to Jake. And I walked away.” You watch him intently, trying to figure out if he was being forced to do this or if he genuinely wanted to fix this after quite some time. 

But Heeseung is Heeseung. He’s always been hard to predict. Was he really though? Or were you always too busy to notice what he was feeling that way?

You could’ve done something to mitigate the situation. You would’ve explained it better before you were in a tight situation where you physically and mentally couldn’t. How could you not notice? Heeseung is your best friend before everyone else. How come you never felt it?

“But I guess they were right. You had a dream and there’s nothing that could change your mind on that,” he sighed heavily. “It was immature. We were so young back then. Even I wouldn’t have known how I would’ve started that new chapter with you—it’s just that at that time, it was the only solution that I got. So I’m incredibly sorry for all the damage that I’ve caused.”

You didn’t quite know what to say. The confession was overwhelming that you found yourself speechless, just sitting there next to Heeseung, whom you know deep inside of your heart, despite all the pain he’s caused, you still loved so much. After all, you inflicted just as much pain to him when all that happened. But there were no words for the situation and it was eating you up that you didn’t know what to say. You felt like you were putting him in the same position as you did three years ago.

“I don’t know why I let my ego take so much of me in the past years to never reach out and try to fix this,” he continued. “It would be fine if you cannot forgive me right now. I can only hope that you do at some point in our lives—”

“Give me time to process it, Heeseung,” you blurted out, forcing yourself to say something. Even just for once, give it your all to never let Heeseung slip from your fingers again like you had done when you said nothing back then. “Give me time. That's all I want.”

“Take as much time as you want,” he smiles softly at you.

Oh you knew you were fucked when you saw that smile again. It’s like your demons were fighting themselves once again and not you anymore—you couldn’t explain it. You were happy and you haven’t felt that specific feeling of love and happiness for quite some time. How can it be so easy for Heeseung to do that to you?

On your third day out there, all of you found yourself sitting in a circle in the living room, with a couple of bottles of expensive sangria. It also turned out that you didn’t drink much because you were not blessed with the best alcohol tolerance that Chaeryeong and Jake had. After a couple glasses of sangria, you were already properly drunk off your face. But to your comfort, Ida was not any better. Jay had brought her to bed a good hour ago and the fact that you're still here, still sipping on your glass is an achievement itself. 

“I miss when Jake wasn’t a bitch and he actually did not have to rely on me on Chaer to pass,” you blurted out, laughing as you leaned against Chaer. 

“When was that? When wasn’t Jake a bitch?” Chaer laughed, unaware that she was actually sitting across from where you were instead of beside you. Heeseung could only smile as his heart swells at the sudden skinship. It’s been a while since he felt that way—or maybe he was just buzzed from the Sangria—or maybe he was falling in love. Either way, he doesn’t mind. Your hair smells nice, and you seem cozy resting your heavy head on his shoulder. “Jake is born a bitch and will die a bitch.”

“Why am I catching strays all of sudden?” Jake argues, sitting up straight as he pours Chaeryeong another glass.

“Because you’re a bitch!” You laughed continuously, completely off your face as you snuggled closer to what you thought was Chaeryeong. “I don’t even know why Heeseung thought I would choose you over him. The only thing I ever think of is whether or not it’s valid to pick a fight with you for giving me a headache all the time! Why would I even think about kissing you?”

“Y/N–”

“Girl, don’t even get me started—I have to call you so I can get up in the morning, I have to send you notes, keep up with your org work and your duty schedule because if I don’t you’d be a damned dead man walking! And why would I want to kiss you! Heeseung did that very well—”

“I do?”

You could feel the vibrations of his voice against the side of your head…oh shit.

Chaer… Chaeryeong… is sitting across you… next to Jake—

So then… who’s…. You sit up hastily and sharply turn towards him. You soon feel the alcohol washing out of you as soon as you realize that it wasn’t Chaeryeong you were leaning against all this time. Holy shit. You wanted the ground to open and swallow you whole right then and there— you couldn’t do it anymore.

“Tell me, baby. Did I kiss you well?” he asked again, watching as your eyes turned from shocked to dilated as you tilt your head slightly, smirking at him.

“You haven’t in a while. I wouldn’t dare to trust my judgment on that one,” you answer him. You don’t even know where it came from, liquid courage got the best of you in this one. Even Jay was sitting there, in shock of how risky you were getting.

“Wouldn’t you want to know?” he dared.

“Okay, you’re both drunk—” Jungwon stands up, panicked, preparing to pull you away before you do something you will regret. 

“Oh let them be!” Chaer argues, pulling Jungwon back to his seat.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

You woke up with a massive headache. You daresay the world might be spinning before you as you pull yourself up from your bed. The sun was shining too bright—God you don’t remember having your bed across a glass door, what the hell.

And why doesn’t it smell like Chaeryeong lavender humidifier? 

You rub your eyes to try and get a grip on where you were. It didn’t take a few more blinks before you realized that this isn’t yours and Chaeryeong’s room.

“Fuck.”

Well, you were dressed at least. You weren’t hurting anywhere but your massive migraine to be so sure if you did hook up with anyone last night. Jesus, you couldn’t remember anything and every time you tried you were welcomed with a massive wave of headache.

“Well, at least you beat Ida too in waking up first.” Heeseung chuckled from the door, making you jump in surprise as you looked at him, shirtless with only his sweatpants on with a tray of breakfast.

“Why aren’t you dressed?” You yelled at him, looking away.

“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before, Y/N,” he chuckled as he settled the tray in front of you. “Eat up. You were out of it last night, Chaeryeong had to fight you to get you to change into your pajamas.”

“What did I do last night?”

“Do you really want to know?” He chuckled as he moved around at the foot of his bed to make himself comfortable.

“I woke up in your room— I’m already in too deep, nothing could be more embarrassing.”

“Well, aside from fighting Chaeryeong to get you to change, you also fought Jake to switch rooms with you so he can room with Chaer and you’d be in our room.” He started. “You insisted we had a serious matter to talk about but as soon as you were lying on the bed you refused to sleep until I gave you a kiss.”

“So did you?” you asked, reaching for the cup of ginger tea on the tray.

“You did sleep, didn’t you?”

“Too bad I can’t remember it,” you hummed nonchalantly, closing your eyes as you enjoyed your tea. “Do you want to discuss the important matter now?”

“Do you even remember what the important matter was?” he replied. 

It was as if you could feel the room slowly turn cold as you peel your eyes open, seeing Heeseung look at you intently.

Of course you know what the important matter was. It was an important matter before you were drunk. It was an important matter before you were here in the first place.

“We were always an important matter to me, Hee,” you sighed. “I’m sorry I made you feel like it wasn’t three years ago.”

“It’s forgiven,” he replied shortly. “You had a lot on your plate and it took me a while to realize that. I should be the one asking for your forgiveness.”

“We both drew blood, Hee,” you said, softly, moving the tray to move closer to him. “And I fucked up just as much as you think you did. All I want to talk about is how do you want to move forward from this.”

“Would I be crazy to say that I want us to try again?”

You could feel your heart skip a beat as soon as you heard Hee asked you that. There’s nothing you wanted more than to have your Heeseung back. To have someone to hold and go home to. To be at home at last.

“It would be even more crazy of me if I declined that after years of manifesting fate would bring you back to me,” you smiled at him.

The next thing you knew he was moving the tray out of the bed, proposing something else for breakfast. You couldn’t care less, though. Your problems were all solved. Just have to survive medical school and everything else is in place—even if it wasn’t, at least Heeseung has you now—you don’t mind adversity, especially if it meant, Hee was there to hold your hand through it. 

—end.

｡ﾟ•┈୨♡୧┈• ｡ﾟ

masterlist

a/n : hiiiiiii i'm so sorry for being mia ! internship and everything else with my personal life and school has been taking a toll on my mental health and i had to step back a bit which resulted into this ( along with the mob fic that i've been trying to write ) being pushed to the backburner but it's here now ! i would also like to thank u guys sm for the love you've given home race winner i genuinely did not think that fic would do well but i'm glad u guys enjoyed it ! i hope u guys enjoy this as much as that one !!

also if you have requests, or any plot ideas whether it may be for a part 2 of my other previous works lemme know here or dm me ! i'll try my best to write itttt ! ( might post my requests reminders later on but i'll let u guys know immediately if i'm uncomfy with the req, it's my first time doing this and i still don't have a concept of what i can and can't write so might still figure that out along the way )

tnx for making it this far <33

xo, anya ୨୧

[final-script]

Take It Or Leave It… |LN4

Pairing: Lando Norris x  Leclerc!Reader

Sumary: Where you love your brothers but…

Warnings: English is not my first language !!!There are probably many mistakes (I will correct them later)

Gif: sebxvettel

------------------------------

In her final moments, Hervé made them promise her older children that you would take care of their younger sister.

He made them promise that they would not let anything happen to her and that they would always be for her.

And wow they did… They treated you like a princess.

You could say you couldn't complain about anything… except for one thing.

Since you have use of reason and since you started having some "dates" you had begun to "hate" your brothers, there was no date that they did not ruin.

You had talked to your mom about it and she said that they were just trying to protect you, that they don't misunderstand you, you understood them and you were more than grateful to them.

But… You wanted to be able to experience the power you were with someone, however with your brothers, it was becoming impossible, they scared every boy you were with.

And to be honest, that was beginning to arouse you, to such an extent that you began to hide things from them.

Only your mother and Enzo, (which we can say that despite being the oldest, he was the least overprotective of the 3), were the ones who knew some things.

At the end of the 2022 season you had started to meet with Lando, he treated you wonderfully, enjoying every moment with him.

Very afraid to start something at first, but eager too.

I understood from the beginning that you want to keep the relationship private, unless you were sure that theirs was solid enough.

(…)

The moment they talked and decided to start telling it, the first to know were, their parents and your mother.

Perosas who respected their decision, but who recommended that at some point they should tell your brothers.

(…)

L- do you think you can go to Silverstone?

Y/N- of course, I will be like in every race.

L- with me. I leave myself speechless - it is my home race and in addition to my family, I would like to have you by my side, it's okay if you don't want to, I'll understand.

You could see a look of discouragement on his face.

Y/N- go with you, I was only surprised that you chose your home race to want to tell everything, I thought you wanted a little tranquility in the midst of all the chaos and considering that it will also be official in front of my brothers, even more.

L- chaos is something I am used to, I can handle it, on your brothers, at some point they will have to know, I do not care what is now, If that means I can have you with me, at least for a career, but like I said, I understand if you don't want to, I've respected your decision forever and will continue to do so, if you want to.

Y/N- who I did to deserve you. I cradle his face in my hands. - I agree with what you say, at some point they will have to find out, you have always respected me and if you want to tell everyone now, okay, I can also get probecho of this situation, everyone will know that you are mine.

We both laughed and kissed.

L- I will talk to the team and let you know that we will be one more this time.

Y/N- and I must warn mom not to come with her. L- and your brothers?

Y/N- when we get together, you will have your own answers.

L-hope to survive.

(…)

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, talking about making everything public was one thing, but doing it was something else.

As we got closer to the circuit, everything began to become real.

My head generated all kinds of scenarios.

But one that I was sure of and boy had I been thinking about it, for nothing in the world was going to let my brothers get into my relationship.

I loved being protected, but it's time they let me live.

I came back to reality when the car stopped.

L- are you ready?    I hold my hand before I get out of the car.

Y/N- list.          A short kiss before he came down to open the door for me like an English gentleman. 

As expected, many cameras turned to see us, so he took my hand tightly and together with his coach we entered the Paddock.

Inside, surprised looks and gestures were not lacking.

You had managed to calm down a little thanks to the grip of your boyfriend, but again the tension returned when in the distance and as if it were a joke, your 3 brothers were facing each other.

Y/N- I think now I should ask, are you ready?

L- I would be lying if I said yes, but... There is no turning back.

We were at the entrance of the hospitality of Maclaren and a few mentros was that of Ferrari, so as they had already seen us, we would simply wait for them to approach.

Finally they did, but before they spoke I stopped them. 

Y/N- before they start acting like they always do, stop, I'm not going to let them mess this time, not anymore, I understand that they want to protect me, but it's time for them to let me live, don't misunderstand me, I love them, but already vast.

Lando's arm encircled my waist in a supportive manner. 

Y/N- so... It's their decision, I take it or leave it, but I'm not going to part with it.   

Judging by his expressions, my words were not expected.

A- Since when?

CH- Lando and your…

Y/N- Enzo?      He was always the one who had something to say, but strangely he was completely silent.

E- I think I speak for all three, Where you hurt our sister, you are in serious trouble.

Lando released the air that had been contained and took the floor.

L- believe me, it's not in my plans.

Ch- since when?.   He seemed to have recovered from shock.

Y/N - at the end of last season.

A- maman, you know?

 L- she and my parents were the first to know.

CH- I think we can't say much more than what Enzo said, you'll damage our sister and most likely you'll get a slight touch on one of your wheels.       I opened my eyes greatly.

Y/N- CHARLES!!

CH- which?!?!, I'm just saying.

Y/N- no one will touch anyone.

Everything went better than I thought and I was grateful for that.

Although she was sure that they would not remain silent and corner Lando as soon as they had the chance.

-----------------------

ANOTHERS

The Best Kept Secret - Arthur Leclerc X Reader

Grateful, Excited and Expectant - Lando Norris X Reader

[21witnokidz]

The Lady in My Life

Summary: 09!Ghost who lost his wife to his job meets 22!Ghost who also lost his wife to his job.

09!Ghost is green. 22!Ghost is blue.

Warning: Miscarriage, death, smut

“Sorry mate but I just don’t believe any this shite coming out your mouth”

“I can hardly bloody believe it myself gov”

Simon Riley, well the first one. The one who says he time traveled here from the past. A past where Simon accidentally walked into a time machine while securing an underground bunker.

“You said it’s 2022 yeah? Well I reckon I jumped 13 years into the future”

Simon had to take a step back. He was looking at himself from 13 years ago. And it’s been 13 years since…

“Right, my name is Simon Riley uh I used to have a brother named Tommy who passed..”

Simon’s ears immediately perked at the sound of his brother’s name. He told no one about his brother except for his ex wife. He was actively listening to Simon as he carried on.

“And I used to have a girl who loved me” Simon uncrossed his arms and slowly made his way to Simon who was visibly seen getting emotional and shifting his weight. “We had a little boy but then…”

“I know” Simon put his hand on the younger Simon’s shoulder.

-

“Now you know I ain’t no proper chap but the least I can do is help you adapt here until we find a way to bring you back” Simon said slamming a bottle of whiskey on the table. “You love Kentucky right?

“I fucking love Kentucky”

They began to pour each other drinks while talking about their lives.

“You know I always wondered why we were so afraid of that skull mask. It looks fucking amazing on us”

“Yea well we knew Tommy had an ugly mug under that mask so that was probably the cause of all the terror”

The Simons had gotten to a point where they were laughing at their own past traumas over some liquor in the common area of the base. But after a while it wasn’t so funny anymore.

“Do we ever get over it?”

“We do. It took some time but we did”

“I just always blame myself”

“There was nothing we could’ve done”

There was a beat of silence for a minute.

“I don’t ever think I’ll forget the look on her face”

“But it was for the best. If we hadn’t done what we did our families could’ve gotten hurt” Simon slumped in the couch and threw an arm over his eyes.

“What the hell are you on about? This is 13 years in the future innit? Our family has been dead for over a decade now!”

Even if Simon was shitfaced drunk before that sure as hell woke him up now.

“Bloody hell! Are fucking mad!? My family is completely safe in Manchester you bloke!”

Simon didn’t care if this Simon had the exact same memories as him they are not the same. He would never utter those words even while intoxicated.

“You said you lost your family too?”

“Yes I had to leave them sadly, but it was to keep them safe. What the fuck makes you think they’re dead?”

Simon shot out of his seat and was fully angry at the man he thought was him.

“You left your bloody family! You promised Y/n you loved her!”

Now it was Simon’s turn to stand up and shout.

“I do fucking love her! I loved her all the time when we were together. Even when we lost our second baby…” Simon had to stop to really focus in on what Simon was saying. “My job was putting too much stress on her. Ever since Johnny died”

Simon took a final swig of his whiskey before slamming it down. “You don’t even remember any of that do you? Sorry mate but you’re not me. Nobody has gone through what I’ve gone through”

“Johnny’s dead? But he was Y/n’s best friend”

“Yea and we promised to keep her safe remember? And you couldn’t even do that”

“I have the same name as you and everything. This is the Task Force 141 base innit? There’s no other reason why it would be that easy for me to find you”

“Well maybe you’re from a different universe or some shit I honestly lost interest in the ‘how’ at this point”

“Well I am you then. Just slightly different”

“No we’re still the same. Just two men with no families to go to”

“You just told me your family is in Manchester gov. They’re still here”

“I’m just no good for them”

“Are my words flying in one ear and out the other? I just fucking said we’re different. I failed at protecting my family and I can never take that back. But if it’s been 13 years and you’ve still been able to keep your wife and kids alive then I’d say that makes you a winner. The better Simon if you will”

Simon picked up another bottle and started heading to the door. “Hell if you don’t wanna face your family then I will. I fucking miss my wife and I just can wait to see her again. I was able to find you I can surely find them”

Simon dashed to the door filling the space between it and Simon.

“I get what you said okay? I just.. need to get myself together before seeing them. And I need to tell Price I’ll be back soon”

“Tell the bloke you need at least the weekend”

-

Simon pulled up to the house he bought for you and you son when y’all first got married. He’s been living in a shitty apartment ever since the divorce.

“Just remember she already lost her second child, her best friend, and you made her lose a husband so you really have to be gentle”

“Right.. you wanna come with? I’m sure we could just explain this all to her?”

Simon approached the house with younger Simon in tow and unsteadily knocked on the door already regretting his decision.

The door opened for him to see a handsome man with an underdeveloped mustache in front of him.

“Can I help you?”

Simon was ready to swing before he saw those beautiful eyes. Your eyes.

The grown man he was about to knock out was his boy. Little Tommy.

Simon could feel himself tearing up. Why did the Tommy in his universe have to look exactly like his own? How is he standing here healthy and happy instead of being buried in the dirt?

Simon could sense the uncertainty in the boy’s eyes. He didn’t recognize him. It’s been 13 years after all.

“Is your mother home?”

“Uh sure. MUM! Someone’s here to see you!” Tommy turned to Simon “Would you like to come in? We’ve got some tea on the stove”

You were always brewing tea around this time.

The Simons just nodded as they waited for the boy to let them in. As he entered the home he could hear the footsteps. The footsteps he memorized early upon first meeting you. Simon just kept his eyes on the steaming kettle to try and avoid making eye contact.

You came down and immediately recognized your guests. But it’s almost like you were seeing double. One looked like your husband when he left you all those years ago. And the other just looked terrible.

“Tommy could you go upstairs please?”

Tommy could sense the tension and made his way upstairs. When you see him enter his bedroom you turned to your ex husband.

“Love, it’s a lot to explain and I wouldn’t even know where to begin but- this is Simon Riley from another universe. A universe 13 years in the past. He says you and Tommy are dead over there”

You looked at the younger Simon’s face. You could tell he was from a different universe. He actually looked guilty for what he’s done.

“Do you wanna see him? He’s grown so much over the years”

Simon nodded. “I’ll just say I’m a cousin from out of town who used to hold him when he was a baby”

You and Simon watched him go upstairs and you turned to him when the door shut.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m sorry”

“Why are you here? You think I need you after all these years where I had to fend for myself and raise our child alone? I get the other Simon just wanted to see his family again but I truly don’t know why you’re here”

“He made me realize that you two are the safest when you’re with me. That I’m capable of keeping you safe. He made me realize that the only thing you needed was me. Especially in those times”

Simon tried not to choke on his words but he felt the emotions crashing over him.

“I blame myself for Johnny’s death it was my fault. We lost the baby because I couldn’t be strong for you. I lost my family because I wasn’t enough”

You dropped the stern face and walked over to him. He fell to his knees as you let him cry into your stomach.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry”

He would repeat those words over and over until they were just incoherent mumbles into your abdomen.

You ran your fingers through his short blonde hair and forced him to look up at you. “What happened to Johnny wasn’t your fault. The miscarriage could’ve happened to anyone. And you didn’t lose your family because you weren’t enough. You were just scared. You didn’t fail at anything Simon”

Those were the words Simon has been waiting to hear for 13 years. Who knew all he had to do was just come back and apologize?

“I still love you. So much”

“I love you too”

To that Simon smiled.

“I’d do anything to be part of this family again”

“Anything?”

-

“Fuck Si baby!”

Simon continued his attack on your soaked cunt, rolling his tongue around your aching clit, having you grind on his face.

Simon missed his son but he really missed how fucking crazy you’d go whenever he had you on your back with his head stationed between your thighs.

“I missed this so fucking much lovie”

“Alright move over. I’ve spent 13 dumb fuck years without my girl on my face and it’s time for me to get that time back”

Simon backed off and allowed the older Simon to take his place.

“I’m not as young as him and it’s been years since I’ve done this so be patient love” Simon chuckled. “You know what to do anyway. Just run your hands through my hair and guide me where you want me”

It’s almost like muscle memory kicked in for him as soon as he smelled your scent he just knew what to do.

“Oh Simon you fucking liar- fuck! You know exactly what you’re doing”

Simon tongued your needy hole so deep you had to close your thighs around his face and trap him there. You knew that was his favorite thing in the world though because it meant you were about to bless him with your orgasm.

He moved from your hole and back to your clit and began sucking on it. Hearing you whine from having your hole being empty. He stuffed two thick fingers and digged them deep until he found that spongy spot in your pussy and began massaging it.

You could feel the pressure building up as you kept grinding on Simon’s mouth and fingers until.

“Well what’s this then? I’ve never been able to make the missus squirt”

“I better call Price and tell him I need more than the weekend”

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: july 2024

full disclosure: I started out July in a bit of a mental lurch, really feeling stuck in a rut. there are a lot of reasons for that, absolutely none of which need to be shared with the general populace of tumblr dot com, but suffice to say that I was feeling listless and reading was not a high priority. I was pretty content to accept that this was going to be another month where I didn't finish a lot of books. I was too busy for most of June, and now too unfocused and bummed out in July.

and then that ended up not being the case. I think I can chalk that up to three things:

very early in the month I realized that none of the reading I had been planning on getting to was grabbing my interest at all, so I did something drastically different: picked up a YA memoir that I bought at pride on the recommendation of a bookseller. not my usual kind of reading at all, but YA is very readable and memoirs grab me fast because I'm nosy, so I figured it might be great for getting out of a rut. and boy, was I right!

Akwaeke Emezi also has a new novel out, and if you don't know then please note now that I'm a person second and an Akwaeke Emezi fan first. their newest novel was a sinister joyride, non-stop twists and turns that I couldn't put down until I saw the characters through to their bitter ends.

and, of course, over in the Dungeon Meshi manga I got to Mithrun. I've only had Mithrun for a couple of chapters, but if anything happened to him I'd kill everyone in this dungeon and then myself. even if I hadn't been able to read anything else, that would have kept me running back to the library for more Dungeon Meshi.

all of which added up to a fairly voracious appetite for books being reignited in my brain, and my second most book-heavy month of the year so far (still haven't beat May, but there's time). sick!

so - what have I been reading?

Delicious in Dungeon Vol. 7-10 (Ryoko Kui, trans. Taylor Engel, 2019-2022) - mannnnn I know I'm not saying anything that hasn't been said elsewhere, but Dungeon Meshi is so. fucking good. the way that Kui starts to raise the stakes of the story and grow the world beyond the core band of adventurers is so conscientious and well-done, timed perfectly so it never feels like having an undercooked heap of fantasy exposition thrown at you all at once. instead everything proceeds at a perfect simmer, leaving me feeling like the frog in that pot of boiling water who didn't notice how dire things had gotten until it was very suddenly too late and I was screaming bloody murder at a book. things have gotten so dire that I'm yearning for the days when fighting a red dragon was our biggest problem - and yet, through it all, every character remains rendered with humanity and compassion, no matter how scary, dangerous, or outright alien they first appear. I'm not naming any spoilers, but I need [REDACTED] to fix shit ASAP in Vol. 11 and [SUPER REDACTED] is on my shitlist fucking forever. also Mithrun sweetie you're perfect, do as many crimes as you want.

Heart and Hand (Rebel Carter, 2019) - my romance novel of the month, as picked by my lovely patreonites! this self-published historical romance promised some messy f/m/m, following a biracial (half Black, half white) young lady, Julie Baptiste, as she responds to a marriage ad that takes her out west to the fictional town of Gold Sky, Montana. Julie's sort of a standard historical heroine - she doesn't care for the silliness of high society and vastly prefers the company of books, looking forward to becoming Gold Sky's schoolteacher - but her marriage has a twist: rather than marrying one man, she's agreed to marry two, a pair of friends who have been inseparable since they served together in the Civil War. this book is charming, for sure, but I can't help be more intrigued by what isn't there than what is, namely: are these men having sex with each other or not? Rebel? hey, Rebel? why is there no DP in this two husbands mail order bride book? that was, like, he bare minimum that I expected. for the love of god, why did those men never put both of their dicks inside Julie at the same time? why did we spend so much time on emotional conflict that could be easily resolved if anyone just talked to each other when Julie's two beautiful husbands could have been having sex in front of her? HELLO?

also, listen, this is such a nitpick, but I am FROM Montana and it feels personal: I know that the general poverty of frontier life isn't sexy, but god these people are WAY too well off. at one point Julie enjoys some fucking BANANAS, something that I goddamn assure you were not easy to come by in late 19th century Montana. a banana. as fucking if.

All Boys Aren't Blue (George M. Johnson, 2020) - as is proudly advertised on the back cover of my copy, in recent years All Boys Aren't Blue has been the second most-challenged book in America behind Maia Kobabe's Gender Queer. reading through All Boys Aren't Blue it was initially hard to see what exactly was so objectionable, until I realized that a queer Black person living their life with compassion and joy is the scariest thing some of these motherfuckers can possibly imagine. Johnson writes about their life growing up in the nexus of racism, homophobia, and masculinity with wisdom and endless compassion, directly addressing young people who may find themselves in similar positions to offer them assurance that they, too, can be okay. more than anything, All Boys Aren't Blue is a plea for young people to live their lives without fear and shame. it's a beautiful blessing of a book that I hope brings comfort to every innumerable kids who need it.

Little Rot (Akwaeke Emezi, 2024) - how do I even begin to describe Little Rot? definitely not for those who feel squeamish about sex crimes, I guess that's an important place to start. this novel starts with the breakup of a long-term Nigerian couple, Kalu and Aima, and follows both of them into a weekend that starts with drugs and sex parties and spirals increasingly out of control from there, drawing more and more characters into a complicated snarl of money and power. Little Rot has the seedy, lurid draw of an episode of SVU if SVU ever grew up and realized that cops don't do shit, reveling in the nastiest that Emezi's imagined city of New Lagos has to offer. cannot say this book is for everyone - few of Emezi's novels are - but god, it's a thrilling study in corruption.

The Persistent Desire: A Femme-Butch Reader (editor Joan Nestle, 1992) - this is a massive and fascinating historical document, assembled by Nestle as part of her work with the Lesbian Herstory Archives. within this collection are letters, interviews, academic essays, poems, and transcribed oral histories from all manner of self-identified butch and femme lesbians. while some of the contributors are recognizable names in the history of American queer activism (including Pat Califa, who's a bisexual trans man now lmao), others are women who were just trying to live their lives with as much authenticity, comfort, and dignity as was possible in their time. (although, notably, the vast majority of these women are white, and all but a very few are Americans. racial and cultural diversity is not one of the collection's strong suits.)

the personal narratives span all over the twentieth century, and I was really delighted to see the very frank discussions of what would be written off as "bad representation" by a lot of queer resources today: butches overdosing on toxic masculinity and getting in messy bar brawls, femmes committing outlandish acts of adultery, lesbian sexual awakenings taking place between fairly young children, and one extremely memorable instance of a butch getting unexpectedly pregnant and decided to do a little sex work on the side since she couldn't get more pregnant than she already was. I was particularly fascinated by the many, many accounts of "second wave" self-identified lesbian feminists who tried to do away with butch/femme identities and "politically incorrect" expression of lesbian sexuality altogether (that's everything but mutual cunnilingus, btw) in pretty eerie echoes of contemporary radfem arguments. at close to 500 pages it's definitely better suited to skimming and stopping to read whatever catches your attention rather than trying to read cover to cover, but I think this is a really invaluable piece of history.

American Mermaid (Julia Langbien, 2023) - this was a novel, for sure. American Mermaid is a novel about a broke, anxious high school teacher named Penelope whose novel, also called American Mermaid, is a runaway success that gets optioned for film. Penelope quits her teaching job and moves across the country to Hollywood to work on the script with two dude bros who don't really Get what American Mermaid is about, and set to work turning Penelope's weird, unsexy female empowerment novel into an MCU-style action romp with a hot young lead. the novel's strongest when it's deep in the spirals of Penelope's frantic mind, probing the conflict between her fairly desperate need for cash (she wants to be financially independent of her conservative father, she has good reason to suspect breast cancer is in her future, she wants to start a family someday) and the artistic affront she feels at watching her story be disrespected and dismantled. where it's weaker is in the extensive chapters of the story-within-a-story; while useful for context, I straight up didn't need to read that much of Penelope's novel. and the plot overall kind of felt like it fell off the rails near the end once Langbien finishes making her point about how Hollywood sucks. it's not bad, but it's also just... fine. it's fine!

How to Taste: A Guide Discovering Flavor and Savoring Life (Mandy Naglich, 2023) - how do I put this so nicely? this book is for people who are kind of dork ass losers about food, a group that I do very much count myself as a part of. I first became acquainted with Naglich's work when she appeared on a podcast called the Sporkful, which claims that it is "not for foodies, it's for eaters." I'm a fairly devout listener, and after listening to Naglich describe her efforts to become a master cicerone (one of the world's most elite beer tasters, a distinction that is taken Very Fucking Seriously) I thought sure, whatever, that's a book I can get behind. Naglich is maybe a big more entertaining as a podcast guest than a nonfiction author. in places the book can be dry or roughly constructed in a way that suggests another pass by an editor or maybe a co-writer would have helped. and straight up, there are just weird fucking typos in this book that are like. crazy to me, I cannot believe they got through. the cheap-ass cover art also suggests this was not exactly a high budget production.

but having been very mean about it, there are a lot of extremely interesting tidbits about the world of professional tasting here! it sounds awful and you couldn't pay me to do it, but here's the cool thing: Naglich is extremely aware that what she does is insane and she knows that the average reader doesn't want to learn how to identify where a coffee bean was grown just by sniffing the bean from across a room. what she offers instead are really approachable ways to be more conscientious about how you interact with and appreciate food! and she also shares some really cool info about tasting snobbery that IS bullshit, to help you sort out the stuff that actually matters and emphasize that fun and personal taste ultimately trump any "rules." it's a very dorky book but I, personally, did have a good time.

Sex Criminals Vol 3: Three the Hard Way (Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky, 2016) - every time I read another volume of Sex Criminals I find myself thinking "man, hang on, do I ever actually like Sex Criminals? am I enjoying this?" but then I end up placing a hold on the next one. I don't know, it's charming! it's like so very VERY 2010s in its dialogue, by which I mean it's like. you know. it's giving Joss Whedon before we all found out how bad he sucked and collectively booed him. but man, I love a story that's down to get weird, and Sex Criminals is sooooo about being weird. and yet also very normal where sex is concerned! considering this is a series all about people having freaky world-altering powers that activate when they cum, sex is treated as an incredibly ordinary thing, warts and all. I like that! I like seeing that! idk, I don't need every comic to be perfect, as evidenced by the fact that I'm actively enjoying Azrael: Angel of the Bat. sometimes the vibes are just good.

[kaleen-art]

Lupin Movie Marathon Analysis #2

The Castle of Cagliostro

I wanna start with my personal history with this movie. A former friend of mine had introduced me to Lupin III around early 2022, and ended up convincing me to watch the first 2 episodes of Part 2. I enjoyed them, but they made no real impressions on me.

Then, he recommended this movie, “The Castle of Cagliostro”. He told me the film was on Netflix, so I made myself a quick breakfast, sat down, and put on the movie. What I saw that day made such a huge impact on me, that I’ve been stuck in Lupin III hell for the past 2 years now.

This essay has taken a long time to write. It’s been really hard for me to accurately summarize my scattered thoughts on this movie, because not only is it genius, but I have such an emotional attachment to it that I wanted to do it as much justice as possible. So join me, as I dive into The Castle of Cagliostro, why it’s great, and why I love it so much.

The Castle of Cagliostro is the quintessential Lupin movie. While the previous film, The Mystery of Mamo is fantastic in its own right, Cagliostro has had the most influence on Lupin, and arguably anime as a whole. But in order to talk about Cagliostro, we have to talk about its director. Hayao Miyazaki. THE anime director. Famed for his works at Studio Ghibli, this is his theatrical debut as a director. However, his first rodeo as a director was actually the first Lupin TV series, which I find necessary to mention when discussing why Cagliostro is such a good Lupin film.

Lupin III Part 1 had a rocky start being directed by Masaaki Ohsumi, who would later go on to direct the fifth Lupin TV Special, Voyage to Danger, a special I hold in high regard. His work on the first Lupin series, however, is subpar. While he is a talented director, his emphasis on the darker aspects of Lupin without the charm that makes the series so endearing to fans leaves me wanting more. Despite already having planned more episodes of Part 1 (leading to an unusual production process), Ohsumi was fired for refusing to tone down the unappealing mature content of the TV series. That’s when A-Productions, the dream team of Hayao Miyazaki and Isao Takahata (of Studio Ghibli fame himself) came into play.

The A-Productions era of Lupin III Part 1, which encompasses episodes 7-8, 10-11, and 13-23 is fantastic and perhaps my favorite interpretation of the Lupin cast. They’re all fun, lovable, and charming with just the right amount of silliness, and from the character writing to the action, this era of Part 1 more than delivers. But this is not a Part 1 essay (despite my prior false promises, sorry), so let me get to the point.

A-Pro, and specifically Miyazaki had the tough task of turning Ohsumi’s Lupin he had already established as a deadly and reckless killer burglar into a charming mischievous thief. And though I have heard some people say the transition between the two was night and day, I rather disagree myself. I think throughout the earlier episodes of Part 1 you can see Lupin’s character slowly morph as A-Pro took more control of the series. The perfect example is Ep. 7, “One Wolf Calls Another”, directed by A-Pro, though originally planned by Ohsumi. This episode was A-Pro’s way of wrapping up the Goemon plot initially presented in the prior episode, “The Coming of Goemon XIII”. In it, we see Lupin slowly but surely warm up to Goemon eventually resulting in the conclusion to the episode, where the two are seen laughing after getting into a comical chase.

So, my point is, throughout Part 1, we as the audience see Lupin transform from the more ruthless Ohsumi-era Lupin to the Lupin we all know and love. But here’s where Cagliostro comes in. Though there was no explicit need for it, Miyazaki wanted to conclude this character arc of Lupin. Using what he had learned during the production of Part 1, Miyazaki wove together a plot with elements of ep. 10, 11, 21, and more, leading us to the 1979 classic, The Castle of Cagliostro.

This is where the essay really starts.

The Castle of Cagliostro subverts your expectations in many ways. Already, we start out with the Green Jacket. Despite the prevailing attitude amongst Lupin directors being Red Jacket, to evoke a more manga-esque feel, Miyazaki deliberately chose the Green Jacket. This will especially become important when talking about Lupin’s characterization in the movie.

The film starts out like a typical Lupin romp, right as Lupin and Jigen complete a typical heist. And up until the car chase, it seems like this is just going to be typical Lupin fare, comparable to that of one of the later Part 1 episodes. That’s until the car chase. The scene starts out pretty abruptly, disturbing the rather peaceful movie up until then. Between Treasure of the Flame (or as it’s usually called, Fire Treasure) and the shot of Jigen changing the tire as Lupin lies in the Fiat, the film has remained pretty calm.

Then, BOOM! The car chase is purposely disruptive, with its bombastic music choice and spectacular animation. It’s tonal whiplash, but in the best way possible.

As the movie continues, we see Lupin’s motivations change as the movie slowly grows farther away from our preconceived notions of what the movie will be. He slowly grows less and less focused on Cagliostro’s counterfeit cash, and more on rescuing Princess Clarisse. Like Mamo, this film is sort of like another character study on Lupin. His partners take a backseat, as in comparison to Mamo, which specifically tested Lupin’s relationships with his comrades, this movie wants to challenge how we perceive Lupin as an individual.

And this is where I get to the meat of this essay. Lupin III. The characterization that either makes or breaks this movie for people. While most people in this fandom do agree that this is an objectively well-made movie, I have heard one too many times the complaint that Lupin’s characterization is not accurate to how he really is, and therefore, it is not a good Lupin III movie. Many find him too kind, not insane enough. But I rather disagree with this. In fact, I think this is a great characterization of him. The problem is that most people don’t view this movie how I believe was meant to be viewed.

Besides the subversion of expectations, Miyazaki specifically picked the Green Jacket not just to evoke feelings of Part 1, but to specifically tie this movie back to it. As I said earlier in the essay, despite it being a byproduct of Part 1’s irregular production, throughout Part 1, we see Lupin embark on a character arc of sorts, becoming more empathetic throughout. Cagliostro is the natural conclusion to this. We can assume Cagliostro takes place at least a good amount of time after Part 1. Part 1 (as confirmed in the show itself) took place when it came out, set in 1971-1972, so in that same vein, I’d place this movie around 1979, almost a decade later.

It’s obvious why Lupin acts more maturely when you view it from this angle, because he’s now in his later years, perhaps even mid-life. He’s simply grown as a person. Miyazaki wasn’t just making another wacky silly Lupin romp, as enjoyable as they can be. He was making a point about the character. And in order to prove that point, he made Clarisse. 

Clarisse is an amalgamation of a few side characters from Part 1. Primarily, Lisa (episode 11) and Rie Makita (episode 21). Like Lisa in her respective episode, Clarisse serves as the damsel in distress for Lupin to rescue. But unlike Lisa, who was mostly helpless throughout the episode, Clarisse is able to put up a good fight against the count when it counts, which is comparable to Rie, the so-called “tomboy”. By herself, she’s already a great character. Kind-hearted and strong-willed, she’s just really likable. I have yet to see someone who dislikes Clarisse.

But I think what really makes her such a unique character is her relationship with Lupin. A lot of people (usually unfamiliar with the Lupin character) tend to misread their relationship as a romantic one (and the Streamline dub, I’ll get into that later, does NOT help) but when you take into account Lupin’s supposed age it’s a little gross. But disregarding that, the genuine friendship they develop is adorable and really humanizes Lupin. Once again, this movie serves to show how he’s grown, and Clarisse is the symbol of his growth. 

As @lastflunky notes in her analysis of Cagliostro which I really enjoy, Clarisse saves Lupin’s life, and in return, Lupin saves her life. Young Clarisse saves Lupin 10 years prior, and in return, Lupin saves her from the Cagliostro guards pursuing her at the beginning of the film. Then, Clarisse prevents Lupin from being shot by Jodot by guarding him and sacrificing the rings and her freedom. Lupin repays the favors by of course saving her and defeating the Count for good. This not only puts a twist on the whole damsel in distress concept by making Clarisse capable, even in a bad situation, but also just goes to show how much these two genuinely care about each other. It’s beautiful and their relationship is honestly one of the best parts about the movie.

Count Cagliostro is a good villain, in the sense that he's awful. While admittedly not as interesting as Mamo, he's a fierce antagonist and very intimidating, especially to Clarisse. During the scene where he's talking to Clarisse after throwing Lupin in the castle dungeon, the tension is as thick as a knife. He's a well-written villain in that, though you hate him, he keeps you on the edge of your seat. And because of how evil he is, it's even funnier to see Lupin mess around with him. (His death is also incredibly gruesome, but then again, Mamo burnt to death and then got his brain exploded, so what's worse?)

I’m going to discuss the other characters relatively quickly because this movie and therefore my analysis is very Lupin-centered. Jigen follows his Part 1 characterization. He’s cheeky, fun-loving, and always at Lupin’s side. I personally like Jigen when he’s more like this and less like his more cynical Part 2 depiction. Besides that, though he doesn’t have a lot of depth, he serves as a means for Lupin to provide exposition and as Lupin’s partner when needed. And for that, he does a good job. Goemon is much the same way and has incredibly little time in the movie. A lot of people have complained about this and while I do like to see Goemon utilized, personally I’d prefer that they only use him (or any character) for that matter when needed and not just to be there for the sake of being there. Because of that though I don’t have much to say on the subject of him. I like Goemon’s design in this movie though, the skintone is a little darker than how it is in Part 1 which I dig.

Zenigata is GOOD in this movie. Which makes sense if you know anything about Hayao Miyazaki. He’s the perfect mix of serious and silly, as though he is very stern, he also has his comedic moments, such as when he exposes the Cagliostro counterfeit bills to the world, a scene that STILL makes me laugh out loud. His alliance with Lupin makes for a fun dynamic and overall he’s just great. Very rectangular, 10/10.

Fujiko Mine is an odd case in this movie because to a lot of people, she isn’t Fujiko. This movie definitely appeals to a more “All Ages” demographic, which obviously means the more sexy side of Fujiko was toned down. And while another writer may have struggled to make a more typical femme fatale archetype work, because of how good Miyazaki’s Fujiko is (watch Part 1), she’s still just the right amount of petty to make it Fujiko, to me at least. My final note is that her relationship with Lupin is nice. They’re not lovers in the movie (in fact, Fujiko says they were past lovers to Clarisse) but I still find their dynamic fun and cute. Overall, I love Fujiko in this movie. She's great.

This movie has almost the opposite message as Mamo does. While Mamo is about Lupin never changing, this movie is about how Lupin has to change to be the best version of himself. And while I believe the movie isn’t as deep in themes as Mamo is, I still find that a really great message and take on Lupin as a character from Miyazaki. As much as I love insane deranged Mamo Lupin, there’s something to be said about Cagliostro’s sheer earnesty. I love this movie.

Now that I’m done with my plot dissection, it’s time for the part of the analysis where I talk about everything else! The art.

This movie is GORGEOUS. While Mamo uses limited animation to create more interesting angles and shots than this movie, there’s something to be said about the beauty of the smooth animation, detailed character movements, vibrant colors, and beautiful backgrounds. It all comes together to make such a VIVID film. I love it. I love every second of it.

The designs are also great, as they're very Part 1 influenced, and I can't NOT love designs brainstormed by my favorite Lupin artist, Yasuo Ohtsuka.

My favorite scene in the movie, in terms of animation, is definitely the scene where Lupin leaps from the roofs of Cagliostro Castle. I love how it starts, with Lupin fumbling with the string and dropping it. The character animation is so subtle yet so expressive, and when he starts barreling down the roof and makes those grand leaps, in tandem with the music cues… it's awe-inspiring.

As for everything else, the soundtrack is amazing and has the amazing “Treasure of the Flame” as well as my personal favorite Lupin song, Samba Temperado, featuring to this day, my favorite rendition of it. The Japanese voice acting is great too, featuring a standout performance from Yasuo Yamada as he takes a calmer and more mature take on the character that I really enjoy. Sumi Shimamoto’s Clarisse is really cute (and she also voices Nausicaa from Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind which I really like), and Taro Ishida’s Count Cagliostro is very menacing, which fits the character really well. Everyone else provides a great performance as well.

Anyway this is getting long, so dub rapid fire! Streamline dub has pretty good voice acting (Bob Bergen’s Lupin is a personal favorite) but the script is really inaccurate (which isn’t their fault, evidence suggests they received a really awful translation of the JP ver.), and they added a really stupid romance subplot with Lupin and Clarisse. Manga dub is pretty decent, even though I don’t love the VAs as much, and the unnecessary swearing doesn’t really work for this movie. The Family Friendly cut is also pretty okay, but the editing is a little rough.

So, now comes the conclusion. But before I end off this essay, I’d like to say why I personally love Cagliostro so much. Even aside from the actual quality of the film, it just means a lot to me. It was what made me a real Lupin fan, and got me to meet so many wonderful people through this fandom. It’s so accessible, so simple, and yet so rich in depth, that it’s just… the perfect movie.

I had never really considered it until this rewatch, but it was as Lupin and Clarisse looked toward Cagliostro Castle that something clicked in my brain. This is my favorite movie ever made. I’ve heard some people argue this movie is bad or overrated, because it influenced the later Lupin films to be more bland and stale, but personally, I don’t think it’s fair to judge the movie by things completely out of it or its makers’ control. The Castle of Cagliostro is an amazing movie, and it’s a fantastic Lupin III movie. 

That’s the end of this essay. My rating? 10/10 movie.

Special thanks to Shmeepy, Curley, Kat, Sapphic, and the others in Caggy for reading this essay as I posted WIPs.

Also thanks to Delaney Jordan and lastflunky for their analyses of Miyazaki's Lupin and Cagliostro respectively, they were big inspirations in writing this essay.

Join Cagliostro Central, my Lupin III server named after this very movie.

Also if you just like seeing stuff from me read my comic, yes I'm a filthy plugger what of it.

Ok bye see you in September for Babylon (hopefully I get it out sooner)

[cottagecoreloreee]

Rating: M

Pairing: Lestat de Lioncourt/Louis de Pointe du Lac, Daniel Molloy/Arman (Background), Daniel Molloy & Louis de Pointe du Lac

Tags: Rockstar Lestat, Mutual Pining, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Drug Use, Biting, Blood Drinking, Drama, Romance, Canon-Typical Violence, Anal Sex, Jealousy, Possessive Behavior, Possessive Sex, Bottom Louis de Pointe du Lac, Top Lestat de Lioncourt, Sharing a Bed, Sharing a Room, Friends to Lovers, Post-Episode: s02e08 And That's The End of It. There's Nothing Else (Interview with the Vampire TV) Summary:

After the hurricane, Louis and Lestat's relationship became strained. With Lestat's newfound fame as a rockstar, he became an unavoidable presence in Louis' life. It might have been easier to ignore him if every song Lestat wrote wasn’t about Louis, and if Daniel hadn’t kept calling to complain about the interview for the sequel named after the band--The Vampire Lestat. When Daniel asked Louis to come and get Lestat to talk, Louis refused—until Lestat started calling him himself.

"We can be just friends," Lestat said.

Louis promised himself he’d keep Lestat at arm’s length. It would be easier if he weren’t in love with him.

-----snippet-----

It was longing that persuaded me to offer Lestat my hand, that had me bring Lestat to one of the apartments I owned in the Quarter as an investment. Our history was reason enough–I couldn’t leave him to the wreckage, though I knew he could save himself from the hurricane. I suspect my arrival had been no surprise to him. For the first time in decades, the cord that attached us wavered. As my feet stepped on Rue Royale, I felt him. He heard my call as I approached his squalid residence and prepared himself accordingly. It was our reunion, and he wouldn’t risk an unsavory outcome. 

We were, for the first time in an age, alone, and though yearning flowed from him, Lestat was respectful. In the beginning, he didn’t question or test my boundaries, and he treated my apartment as a temporary home, thanking me for my generosity. Once he was settled, I planned to return to my hotel room. 

Then we faced each other, Lestat looking down to his feet and then up to me, smiling coyly, his plush pink lips as deceptive as they’d always been. “I suppose you’ll be going,” he said.

“The sun’s coming up soon.”

Lestat nodded to himself. “Will I see you again?”

“When the storm’s over, I’ll swing by. Take care of yourself, alright? I don’t want to come back in a week and find your skeleton in a corner.” 

I made the steps to the door, my feet committed to the exit. Outside, the wind was howling and rain came down on the Quarter more violently than it had in storms a century ago. I hesitated as I neared the door, the sound of Lestat’s heart pounding in his chest eroding my determination. Lestat stood still, transfixed by our parting, and I felt his gaze linger on my back.

“Stay,” he whispered. 

“Lestat.” My hand hovered above the doorknob. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

He laughed then, that uncontrollable, hysterical laughter that had haunted my memory–in those most passionate moments, whenever I was most vulnerable to him, that same laugh escaped his belly. I was enthralled by its untimely entrance every time. And, goodness, I started laughing too, laughing with Lestat, laughing at how incredibly miserable we had been, and laughing at myself for how susceptible I was to him after decades of trying to purge myself of the impulse to run to him.

“I’ll leave tomorrow,” I relinquished.

[fereldanwench]

A Personal, and Final, Reflection on A Certain Fandom

Having spent the past week and a half away from the Tumblr side of the C*b*rp*nk community after a resurgence of old wank (not hashing out the details–IYKYK), I heavily weighed the pros and cons of saying anything else. Ultimately, I decided for my own peace of mind and ability to fully move forward, I do want to say a few things (or a lot of things, given how long this is). This blog is my personal archive first and foremost, and I think writing a “final chapter” will help me find closure. I’m also choosing to publish this because, at the risk of sounding presumptuous, I think my mistakes and subsequent revelations might be good learning experiences for others, too. 

Like many of us, just by the nature of when this game was released, I entered this fandom during a very fragile, tumultuous time in my life–Well, sort of, let me back it up a little: I actually initially entered it during a great time in my life. It was July 2021, I had just enjoyed about 6 weeks off from work after quitting a demanding job that had sucked the life out of me for almost 10 years, and I had started a promising new job. I even bought the game with the first paycheck from said new job!

Unfortunately, while I had been told that this position was temp-to-hire, not only was it not a path to a permanent role, but because I completed all the work in my contract over a month sooner than they anticipated (early September vs late October), I was being let go early because they had nothing else for me to work on. I was literally told over the phone, “You did amazing work, you got us caught up through November, but we don’t have anything else for you.”

Cue about 6 months of recruiters ghosting me, exhausting interview processes, demoralizing rejections, and scam upon scam upon scam, all culminating in me returning to the job I had been so happy to leave a year earlier. And while my old coworkers were ecstatic to have me back, I couldn’t help but feel like a complete failure. I took what I thought was a calculated risk, I thought I could do something better for myself, and I couldn’t. It’s something I’m still struggling with today, honestly.

On top of this, I also experienced a debilitating physical health episode in January 2022 which led to me being effectively bedridden for about 3 weeks. [CW: Menstruation, sexual health] I’m not sure of the exact cause–maybe a bad reaction to emergency contraception, maybe unsafe menstrual underwear, but it resulted in menorrhagia so severe I fainted from blood loss. My insurance had literally just ended, another wave of COVID was hitting, and I didn’t want to risk getting infected sitting in an ER for hours only to rack up a few thousand in debt to get a blood transfusion. So rest, iron supplements, and lots of meat and spinach and orange juice was the best I could do.

All of this led to my world becoming very small. I wasn’t working, I could barely do my hobbies or see my local friends, and simple everyday tasks like showering drained me of all my energy. When I was stuck in bed and could barely keep my eyes open for more than a few hours at a time, gossip was a welcome, low-effort distraction from the physical pain and fear that I might either have to put myself in thousands of dollars of medical debt or risk lifelong damage (or worse) from the blood loss.

I also found myself having groups of friends in a way I’ve never experienced before. I’m extremely introverted (even online, though less so than IRL), I have social anxiety, and the handful of times I have been “in” a group I was never really in it. I was always on the outskirts and usually just close to one or two people, max.

Regretfully, this set the stage for me to get caught up in the culture of rumors and speculation that permeates this fandom more than I think it has any other fandom I’ve been a part of.

Academically, I know about things like groupthink and tribalism, and I could see how those influenced the groups developing in the fandom, but I had no direct, personal experience with those phenomena. I think in conjunction with the other struggles I was dealing with, I ended up being incredibly susceptible to an us-versus-them mentality, which led me to feel justified in being unkind to people I knew had been unkind to my friends, even if deep down I knew what I was doing was antithetical to who I strive to be. 

I don’t share any of this for sympathy points or to smear anyone else or to avoid accountability–I still chose to act like an ass on a couple of occasions, and regardless of what I was going through, that was still inappropriate. I’m still responsible for my own behavior no matter what’s going on. 

But I do want to contextualize my fuck-ups for two reasons:

The first reason is ego-driven, full-stop. Not even gonna gloss it over. I can’t defend being an asshole nor do I want to, but I think it’s normal and healthy to look back on your mistakes and go, damn, why the hell was I acting like this? 

Even on my best days, I can be very stubborn and self-important and pedantic and judgemental, and I certainly can’t say that I’ve never inadvertently offended someone–Sometimes a joke might not land as I hoped. Sometimes I get tangled up in my own thoughts, burdened by an excess of nuance and details, and I express things poorly while I try to account for all sides of things. Sometimes I can get a little too opinionated about blorbo stuff. Sometimes there might just be a full communication breakdown or an insurmountable personality clash–But I can also confidently say that I have acted with good intentions in this fandom far, far more than I have with spite or because of petty rivalries.

And when I did get caught up in the drama and gossip and the wank? I was literally at the lowest point I’d been in a very, very long time. 

Again, because I feel like I can’t say this enough, that doesn’t make acting like a dick in a Discord server any more excusable, that doesn’t mean I didn’t hurt anyone, and that doesn’t mean that someone I hurt during that time has to forgive me or stick around for me to grow. Hurting someone because you’re hurting is still not okay. But I’m pretty sure every single one of us has had a bad day (or two or three or 365 or–) and made an isolated bad decision (or two or three or–) because of it–None of us deserve to be wholly defined by those moments or denied a chance to learn from those mistakes and be better.

And I think the most important takeaway for me personally is that I have learned from these mistakes and I have not repeated them. Some of these mistakes even helped me realize that I needed professional support for my mental health, and they played a role in my seeking medication and therapy last year. I still have a lot of work to do, but the silver lining to all of this is that I am in a much better place today than I was 2 years ago (even if this year also fucking sucks for non-fandom reasons and I would still very much like a goddamn break.)

The other reason I wanted to share my journey of navel-gazing and healing a wounded ego ~*self-discovery*~ is I think there’s a very good chance my story might sound familiar to others in the fandom. Maybe someone else can learn from my hardships and mistakes, too. Maybe you too were dealing with chronic fatigue or mental health issues or financial stress or isolation or all of the above and then some, and it led you to fixate on things that were harmful to you, to form unhealthy relationships with equally hurt people, and to act in a way that you know doesn't reflect who you are. The past several years have been so hard on so many of us, and I think we’ve all brought a lot of pain and misery into the community even if we weren’t trying to.

A somewhat shameful realization I had last year was I could recognize that kind of behavior in other people, but I completely missed it in myself. I could see how people were making this fandom their whole world and how it was so damaging to them, but I was doing the exact same thing and I just let it go completely unchecked because I thought I knew better. It was a brutal lesson in the pitfalls of pride. 

--------

So I was initially thinking at this point, I would take the time to address a few specific lies, rumors, and insinuations that have been said about me over the past couple of years. Because while I was a jerk in a couple of situations, most of the things said about me are exaggerations, if not outright fabrications.

And I did start writing a lot of that out, but as I was doing it, I was just overcome with a huge feeling of OH MY GOD I just don’t fucking care anymore. As one of my dear, long-time fandom friends has pointed out, there’s a great line about just this kind of thing from one of my favorite characters in one of my favorite games: “Why should it [bother me]? They don’t know me. I know me.”

I also really don’t want to run the risk of pulling anyone back into the fray (especially if they’re not even in the fandom anymore or if we’ve talked privately about certain issues) by even alluding to shit that happened years ago.

Instead, I would like to offer three of my big takeaways from the experience of being falsely accused of awful things:

You do not know nearly as much as you think you know about people’s fandom relationships. The one semi-specific thing I will mention is that I had been explicitly named a few times as being in cahoots with people I don’t think I ever even spoke to or that I had already drifted away from–Just because you saw two people existing in the same public space doesn’t mean they’re besties, bestie. Also, friends don’t always have to agree with each other, nor should we be expected to participate in a public spectacle of shaming if we do have a disagreement. People are allowed to resolve their differences privately.  

Not all conflicts/disagreements are inherently abusive or toxic. When you are hurting or dealing with unresolved trauma or starting to confront uncomfortable truths about yourself, the slightest disagreement can feel like a personal attack, but that doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes differences might be irreconcilable, but sometimes they might not be if you don’t automatically assume the worst of someone with a different perspective than you. Sometimes we just need to give the other person a little grace and the benefit of the doubt that they’re doing their best. And sometimes we might need to consider that it’s actually our own behavior driving the conflict and not the other person.

Even in situations when someone has clearly been unfairly targeted/victimized, that doesn’t mean they can’t also be a perpetrator of harassment/abuse to someone else. Victim and abuser are not mutually exclusive roles. I would wager a lot of us are familiar with the cyclical nature of abuse, and to quote a line from one of my favorite movies (admittedly a bit of a flippant line in the context of the film, but it still rings true): hurt people hurt people. Accountability for shitty behavior is never conditional, regardless of the pain we’re experiencing. 

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I titled this my final reflection, and I want to clarify what that means:

First of all, I’m not leaving this fandom (don’t everyone clap at once ha ha ha). I’ve been in various online fandoms since the early 00s, and while this has been one of the more challenging communities for me to navigate, it’s not enough to make me give up something I love this much. My blorbos are my perpetual muses, and I feel like virtual photography is the creative outlet I’ve been searching for my entire life. I love this game and hobby too much to stop creating and sharing.

I’m also not leaving Tumblr. While I’ve had this specific account since 2016, I’ve been here since 2010–Tumblr is not just this fandom for me. I have many friends (some I’ve known since my original account in 2010!) from other fandoms, and I’m not losing the best place to hang out with other people who are special to me just because one fandom got a little unpleasant. (I mean, look, I weathered the DA fandom here circa 2012-2015–This ain’t my first rodeo.) I also have a lot of hope for the Tumblr Communities feature, and I’m really hoping the VP community we’ve set up can continue to grow and flourish.

But I am no longer addressing any of this wank. If you have a problem with something I’ve done or said to you and you want to address it with me directly (preferably in a private space just so we don’t keep putting this shit on people’s dashboards), I am open to conversation and apologizing where needed.

Otherwise, this is the last time I’m talking about it anywhere. Tumblr, Twitter, Discord, publicly, privately–I’m done. I’m washing my hands of it. I don’t want to hear anything else about what other people have done or who they’re friends with or who they’re following or what they’re saying about me or my friends or any of it. This bullshit has taken up too much of my time and energy, and I have very important smutty shots to take. 

And I am probably going to continue to be less active in the fandom on Tumblr, at least for a while. You probably won’t see me here much until September at the earliest. This time away has been really good for me, and I think I need to continue with limited Tumblring and making the time I am here more structured. Plus, with some of my other fave video game series returning this fall, my blog will probably shift back to a more well-balanced multi-fandom space. 

I’m also going to need to diversify my dash a little bit more, which means I will likely end up unfollowing some mutuals, particularly if we don’t interact often, if you don’t tag, or if I see any mention of fandom drama–It’s nothing personal, but I know breaking mutualship can hurt a little, so if following me after that makes you uncomfortable in any way, please don’t feel like you have to stick around. I totally get it. Similarly, if it would make you uncomfortable for me to continue to interact with your posts after unfollowing (because I probably will if you post in certain tags), please feel free to block me. 

Okay. Christ, that was long. Shut the fuck up already, right? This is why I can't do social media with character limits. ghdfjgjhkfdgkfdg

Seriously, though, that's it. People are welcome to comment on this post if they want, but I really have nothing else to say about any of this so please don’t be offended if I don’t reply. I’m not ignoring you, I’m just… Well, done.

[mylittlemystery]

Why I Left

Hey there. It's been quite some time, hasn't it? I want to start this post by saying that I missed all of you, and that the continuous asks left in my inbox along with the wonderful friends I've made via this website is what encouraged me to finally come back - I never intended to leave for this long, but that's besides the point.

TL;DR: I left for two years due to my declining mental health reaching a point where I could no longer sit by and do nothing about it. The asks in my inbox will be being answered, and requests will be published whenever I finish them. I will undoubtedly be slow to respond due to other things I wish to accomplish simultaneously, but for all intents and purposes I have returned - I will be giving this blog a fresh coat of paint before I begin posting anything new.

If you'd like to hear about the nitty gritty details, please see below.

CW: talk of eating disorders, death, declining mental health, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.

Originally, I only intended to be gone for the month of June back in 2022 - I went to a partial hospitalization program (or PHP) for people with eating disorders, and I was told that it should only last from the first to the twenty-ninth. I happen to suffer from both binge eating disorder (BED) and anorexia, so the time I spent there proved to be very impactful and positive for me.

I met some great people. I learned some good coping strategies. I made some long lasting memories.

The day after I had been discharged, someone who I had recently come to look up to and derived a great deal of comfort from passed away - I expect some of you will have been affected by this as well.

Mere months later, I was informed of something extremely difficult involving my extended family with whom I was very close to during my childhood.

The majority of the past two years were spent retreating into myself - my mental health has not been very stable ever since I was rather young, but this was a sort of low point that I had not experienced in a long time. The notion of suicide came very easily to me, and I even resorted to self-harm at the beginning of this year in a poor attempt to cope.

I didn’t want that to be the way things ended.

I went to another PHP program (this one specifically focused on coping with depression), and I have felt better than I have in many moons ever since.

I am coming back to this blog in the hopes that I can continue to make people happy with what I write - after all, this niche little special interest got me through many a dark day myself.

Please keep fighting - I promise that it’s worth it.

You are worthy of love. <3

[canonicallyobserving911]

Several Sentences Sunday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON FanFic: Buddie Multi-Chapter - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 29 will be posted soon.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Currently 28 chapters completed: 1.77M Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

#1 {Previous snippet}

#2 {Previous snippet}

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I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 29 because at the end of Chapter 28, it was early in the morning and Buck and Eddie were lying in bed having a serious conversation about whether Eddie's going to delay the pursuit of his second paramedic certification, the ACP-C. Buck doesn't want him to give up his dream, especially now since they know what caused Buck's bradycardia and he's on medication. He's doing better and even though he's still grieving, he believes once he passes the last two stages of grief, Frank may clear him to return to work but he's still not sure if he wants to go back to being a firefighter. Also, Eddie's FMLA ends on January 31, 2024 but the question is will he extend it or return to the 118?

Additionally, Chris is still dealing with one of his classmate's lack of participation in their video game project and it's stressing him out. Furthermore, during their last group therapy session, Buck had a conversation with Captain Jeshan Mehta and he asked him if they could meet so he can get an objective viewpoint from someone about whether he could be a captain someday with the LAFD. He decided not to ask Bobby since he doesn't believe he'll give him an objective viewpoint because in September 2022, he told him he needed more life experience. Things are getting interesting as the Diaz family gets closer to their "New Beginnings".

__________

Here's a little more from Chapter 29 of Buck and Chris while they're inside of Super Target.

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“I’m not… ”  Buck replies but he trails off when his Apple Watch beeps.

“What’s that?”

“None of your damn business!”

“I have an Apple Watch too and that sounds like a heart monitor warning.  I guess it makes sense that you would be wearing one since your heart stopped last year.”

“I’ve already warned you but I’m going to say it again just in case you missed it.  If you ever come near my son again, it’s over for you!”

“Hmm, you know if there weren’t any security cameras in this damn store, I’d do whatever’s necessary to stop your heart again but this time, no one would be here to restart it.”

“If you think you’re bold enough, just fucking try it and watch me break your damn neck.”  He sternly replies.

Suddenly, an unknown voice booms from behind Buck.  “Excuse me?!  Is everything, ok here?!”

Neither of them look in that direction but Buck believes it’s a security guard because he can also hear Chris’ crutches.

“I meant what I said… if you ever come near my son again, I’ll kill you and that’s a promise.”  He whisper shouts with so much venom in his voice he knows they understand he means business.

They plaster a fake smile on their face, look over Buck’s shoulder at the security guard and says, “Yes sir… everything’s ok.  We’re just catching up but I got what I came for so I’m leaving now.”  Then they smirk at Buck, turn around and walk away.

Buck keeps watching until they leave the aisle, then he turns around and before he has the chance to focus, his knees buckle but he manages to remain standing.  When he looks at the security guard, he sees a tall man with big muscles and he also sees Chris is not too far away from him.  He’s standing with a woman who’s wearing a red shirt with khakis pants and he can see her name tag too.

His vision starts to close and everything around him starts to look fuzzy the same way it did the morning he read Malone’s letter.  He feels it as his heart rate plummets and he knows it’s happening because his Apple Watch starts continuously beeping.

“Buck, are you ok?”  Chris asks in a high pitched voice.

His knees buckle again but he manages to stay upright.  His chest is hurting and he can feel the tug of death trying to take him back to a place he doesn’t want to go.

While maintaining eye contact with Chris, he forces himself to say, “Chr—is, Chr… call—call… dad for me… and—and ask… him to come quick… pleaseee!”

He watches as Chris removes his phone from his pocket and he also sees two people swiftly walk past him, the security guard and the employee.

“Excuse us coming through!”  A tall man with snow white hair exclaims.

He approaches Buck, stands in front of him and greets, “Sir, my name is Dr. Keith Dawson, I’m a cardiologist and I work at Cedars Sinai Hospital.  Me and my daughter, Ashley Dawson, she’s a nurse practitioner at First Presbyterian, we were on the next aisle and we heard your Apple Watch beeping, so we rushed over.  Are you having any chest pain?”

Buck’s eyes are wide, they’re filled with tears and he can tell he’s profusely sweating but he’s having a hard time speaking.

“Nod, if you can hear me.”

He nods.

“That’s good and thank you for responding.  Now I see you have a medic alert note attached to your watch, do you mind if I read it?”

He slowly shakes his head no.

Dr. Dawson quickly familiarizes himself with his medical information but when he notices Buck start to sway, he asks, “Sir, can you help me lay him down please?” 

The security guard moves and he gets to Buck just in time before he collapses.

They lay him down on the floor and Ashley hands him the sweater she’s wearing over her scrubs and the security guard removes his jacket.  Dr. Dawson puts the sweater underneath his head and the jacket underneath his ankles.

Buck’s fighting, he’s trying to remain conscious but with every second the pull at the back of his head gets stronger and he knows he’s going to lose consciousness soon.

Dr. Dawson is checking his pulse and he loudly asks, “Does this store have an AED?”

When Buck looks at Ashley, he forces himself to say, “I—I need someone to—to protect my… son!”

Ashley looks at Chris and asks, “He’s your dad?”

“Yes.”

“What’s his name?”

“Evan Diaz but he goes by Buck.”

“Thank you.”

When someone hands Dr. Dawson the AED, the Target employee who’s standing with Chris walks closer and she has Chris right by her side.

“CHR—IS?”  Buck cries.

“Buck! I’m here and I’m on the phone with dad.”

“Sir, my name is Kelsy Stromer and I’m the store manager.  Your son is safe and he’ll be with me until the ambulance arrives.  I’ll make sure he rides to the hospital with you.”

“CH—RIS!”  He says one last time as his eyes close and the darkness takes him.

What's going to happen next? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Is Buck going to wake up this time? ���

Did the person threatening him and his family leave the store or are they still watching? 🙃

___________

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.

Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.

Chapter 29 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Read chapters 1-28 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[ryuichirou]

Since my blog is mostly dedicated to twst for now, I’ll leave a couple of links and a very short FAQ related to it.

My carrd info

My ko-fi page for twst sketches that I won’t post at all or post after I share them there

My commission info

The most frequently asked questions are below (you can find most of this in my carrd):

So far we've watched: Prologue, Episodes 1-6, Halloween events (both), Glorious Masquerade, Port Fest, Camp Vargas (both), Wish Upon a Star, Beanfest, the Harveston event, Sam's New Year event (2022), Stage in Playful Land, White Rabbit Fest, Ghost Marriage

To avoid repeating myself all the time, I'll have all of the twst characters as tops and bottoms (as we see them, obviously):

Tops: Ace, Trey, Cater, Ruggie, Jack, Azul, Jade, Floyd, Kalim, Rook, Ortho, Lilia, Sebek, Crewel, Crowley, Che’nya, Neige, Gidel.

Bottoms: Riddle, Deuce, Leona, Jamil, Vil, Epel, Idia, Silver, Malleus, Trein, Rollo, Fellow Honest.

We don't switch them and we don't ship two tops or two bottoms. We don't like switching and we don't entertain this idea, it doesn't interest us, without any exceptions, ever. Don't mention them to us in a shipping way, please.

If, for some reason, you want to know a little more about the logic or the principle behind this, here’s a couple of posts dedicated to the types that we like: the one where we talk about our favourite types of tops/bottoms and why it's so strict with us.

Our twst ships:

Our most favourite absolute alpha ships ever:

Azul/Idia

Ortho/Idia

Lilia/Idia

Jade/Idia

Floyd/Idia

Ships that we love:

Ace/Deuce

Trey/Riddle

Floyd/Riddle

Kalim/Jamil

Azul/Jamil

Rook/Vil

Sebek/Malleus

Sebek/Silver

Sebek/Idia

Lilia/Silver

Lilia/Malleus

Ships that we like:

Trey/Idia

Ortho/Vil

Floyd/Vil

Floyd/Epel

Rook/Epel

Che’nya/Riddle

Crewel/Trein

Jack/Vil

Jack/Deuce

Ruggie/Jamil

Ruggie/Leona

Neige/Vil

Fukukaicho/Rollo

Gidel/Fellow

Mobs&Bosses/Fellow

All top characters from NRC/Fellow

We don’t have any Yuus/OCs related to twst.

Do not tag my art or headcanons as "x reader".

You can find full NSFW versions of my art either on my twitter or on bluesky. If you want to be notified about me posting this type of art, when I have a preview here, please make sure to check that your account settings allow you to see mature content.

I tend to say “we” instead of “I” because I want to include Katsu, who is my partner and also my best friend, as well as the author of all of our AUs + a person who gives me a lot of drawing ideas and helps me with drawings in general. We dive into stuff together and share a lot of thoughts, so I’m very used to including both of us into conversations. Katsu also helps me to run all of my social media pages, but I’m the one writing the replies and comments.

I'm very sorry if my reply can take up to a couple of months or more, especially if it's a headcanon post or something that is lengthy to write. I'm very slow at writing... But I'll get to them, I promise! You can ask me about them if you want to know whether I received those and you worry lol

Tags that might be interesting: #ryuichirouart ; #about drawing; #headcanons; #about characters

[komotionlessqueenmm]

Imagine # 1,036

Gif NOT mine.

If this gif is yours (or you know who's it is) please let me, so I can give you/them credit.

Gif credit goes to - @alicent-hightowers (Unless told otherwise.)

Year posted - 2022

*Your betrothed is just some random Lord I came up with on the fly. And your house is never stated, feel free to imagine whatever house you want for yourself, and your shitty betrothed.

"With such a simple creature at my side, I fear I shall only have simple heirs to my house name." The brunette male chided tauntingly as he toiled with a loose strand of (Y/n)'s hair. His words only enraging Aemond instead of humoring him the way the Lord had hoped. Aemond slammed his fist down onto the table, make everyone aside from (Y/n) jump at his sudden hostility. "Watch your tongue Lord Rorik, or I shall have to cut it out myself." The Prince stood as he spoke, his threat crystal clear, as he loomed over Lord Rorik, glaring daggers into the man's very soul. "My apologies my Prince, I meant no harm." He chuckled nervously, bowing his head in shame when Aemonds glare hardened. "Do not apologize to me you fool, apologize to your darling betrothed." The white haired Prince hissed with venom. "I am sorry Lady (Y/n), please I beg your forgiveness." Lord Rorik pleaded with terrified eyes, while (Y/n) in turn nodded her head without a word, accepting his pitiful apology. Aemond sat down once more, his eye no longer leaving (Y/n)'s face, studying her the way he always had.

Later that evening (Y/n) found herself cornered by the tall Prince, hidden in a dark corner of a barely used corridor. "I cannot stand the way he treats you my Sweet." Aemond breathed out, his slender fingers brushing back her hair. "My Prince." (Y/n) whispered softly. "Please (Y/n), we are alone here." He cast her a pleading look. "Aemond." She corrected herself, her fingers finding sanctuary coiled against his fine tunic. "I do not care what it takes, I will get rid of him once and for all." Aemond promised, resting his forehead against (Y/n)'s. "And then you will be mine, and mine alone." His voice was softer than she had ever heard, the tone and promise sending shivers down her spine. "Please Aemond." She cooed, a moan escaping her when he suddenly closed the distance between them, kissing her passionately, as he pinned her completely against the wall with his body. One hand cupping her face, while the other shamelessly snaked around her body, giving her ass a firm squeeze through her dress. She was his, she had been for years, and no Lord was ever going to take her away from him, even if that meant starting a war.

*I still haven't watched the show! 😅

[lululawrence]

Sus' 40 to 40 Countdown: 18 Days

We are still moving and getting closer to the day of celebration! Today's theme is...

Fics Posted in the Random Year @chickenstuffedwithmozzarella Chose (2022)

Silver-White Winters - OT5 Relationship (Christmas Eve, strangers to lovers, blizzards and snowstorms, loneliness, getting together)

Niall, Zayn, Harry, and Louis all definitely have their own reasons for showing up at Liam's bar alone on Christmas Eve. With the help of a surprise winter storm, none of them will have a reason to be alone for long.

An Apple A Day - Harry/Louis (trick-or-treat fest, established relationship, halloween vibes)

The one where Harry and Louis peruse the vitamins and supplements. Louis would really rather not.

Somebody Get Me Through This Nightmare - Harry/Louis (crack, fluff and humor, neighbors, demisexual character, sharing a bed)

“I am not subjecting you to my poor dog in his moment of vulnerability!” Louis cried. “That would be cruel to you, but also to Clifford.” Louis got up and started pacing again like he had been before. “He is so cuddly and honestly is also quite spoiled, and now he probably thinks I’ve abandoned him over this. And I essentially have! I’m serious, Harry, I close my eyes and the visuals of his bald head haunt me. God, how am I going to sleep tonight? I can’t even bring myself to walk back into the house.”

“You are always welcome to sleep on my couch if you need,” Harry offered immediately. “I still don’t think it’s quite as bad as you seem to believe it is, but I’d much rather you be next door than fifteen or twenty minutes away at someone else’s house.”

Louis was flooded with relief. “God, if you really don’t mind, I would really appreciate that.”

I Keep Looking For Magic - Harry/Louis (advent fic, Christmas, fake relationship, pining, meet the family)

Harry cannot go home alone when he had promised to bring a significant other again. This leaves him with little choice but to find someone to pretend they are his fiance.

Surely nothing could go wrong with this plan.

All 40 to 40 Countdown Posts

[makaira-nina2005]

I'm not the type of person that usually comments on idols personal lives or what they've done in their past but even though it's been about two weeks since this incident happened, I'd still like to share my opinion and thoughts about it. On April 1, Woojin who is currently a soloist and is an ex member of Stray Kids released a video. In the video, Woojin speaks about his time and Stray Kids, and what he was accused of. Now, I only got into Stray Kids in late 2022, during the Maxident era, so I don't entirely know what Woojin did and if he was innocent or not. I know some people have many different views on Woojin and what he did. Honestly, I have no clue as to why Woojin would release a video five years after the allegations. I mean, five years, seriously? The boys in Stray Kids have probably moved on from Woojin and I really hope that they did, but c'mon man, speaking up five years later and on April Fools day for that matter? Like, you leave during the middle of preparations for a comeback, making the remaining members of Stray Kids have to rerecord and refilm all this stuff, I don't understand what person would do that to other people. You blame it on you being young and selfish. You were Chan's only hyung, and the rest of the members all looked up to you from what I can tell from the videos I've seen. Chan needed you and you left him during a very difficult time. During the Unlock Tour, the boys begged for Stays not to leave them, like you did. How could you do that? Hyunjin begged, and sobbed, for Stays not to leave him, promising he would do better, when he was already doing so well. None of them deserved this. I can't even think of the amount of pain and stress you put those boys through. Han had to take most of your lines along with Seungmin. You hurt them and you blame it on you being young and selfish?? Why would you do that to them especially after they moved on and have received so much love and support from around the entire world? They don't deserve this. Your apology really seemed like it was put up to save your ass from being hated. You thought it would clear things up? No, it only left you receiving more hate and not doing anything for you.

If anything I've said is wrong or if I've misunderstood anything, please let me know. Before I really found out about Woojin, I did listen to his music, I admit that, but after reading all this stuff about him I can't bring myself to support him, I'm sorry to any people who support him. But I can't support a person like that. I mean, I basically owe Stray Kids my life. When I found out about them, I was in a dark time in life where it didn't seem like anything was going to get better. But Stray Kids saved my life Without them, I'd probably be dead. I owe them my life and more. They saved me. And I will eternally be grateful for them. And I will love and support them until the end of everything. They are what keeps me going.

I apologize for this long rant, but I think everything I've said, someone will understand.