#i really dont want to be stupid but i dont want to treat him unfairly and hold his past against him

[guinevereslancelot]

crush's red flags coming at woman faster than she can rationalize them

[eventually--darling]

i wanna hear more about your OCs in general...i didn't even know you had any til just now! would you care to gimme a little intro to your faves?

the ones I mentioned before are from my most precious WIP, as it crumbles. it's barely even a story at this point since it's been a fundamental part of my psyche for forever but. i do want to finish it someday and do the characters justice.

sooo for a little intro...

Joshua is the main protagonist of the story. he's a very sad little man with lots of repression and trauma, but he tries. he's a bit of a contradiction in that he doesn't treat people very well while simultaneously being chronically nice. it's a "too nice to form deep connections while also being generally an asshole without realizing it" kind of deal. or something. i wanted to make him more clear-cut type of mean but i am incapable of writing him that way. just isnt in his bones i dont think.

anyway, he's the son of the empress's (her title is more complicated than that but for the sake of simplicity, she is the empress) highest general. he grew up in the palace with his mother gone most of the time, but the empress sort of took him in as her own (derogatory). sadly she was very controlling and gave him almost no agency that he didnt specifically fight for. on top of that he is very bad at talking to people and taking the initiative unless he's been pushed into a corner along with other ~issues~ but! after [redacted] he finds courage, and forming a friendship with xenia helps him massively. overall an earnest wet rag of a man being held together with scotch tape and a constantly clenched jaw.

xenia is the main supporting character. she is very kind and sweet but strong-willed and idealistic. she is stuuuupidly loyal and will love you to DEATH. but she's also good at redirecting people when theyre going wrong. aka joshua lmao. her loyalty is also her downfall a bit though as she can put others before her a little too much. she is also not good at allll at strategy or planning. she just kinda *does things*, you know? i think that joshua's experience growing up in the palace where politics and strategy are more important than brute strength helps balance her out in this. he may be very stupid in a lot of ways but he is educated. she's also very physically strong and good at hand-to-hand combat and archery. mostly bc i thought it would be fun and sexy for her to shoot a bow and arrow. honestly need to give her more flaws... hmmmm. she is very special to me tho <3

avery is moooostly a side character. she was joshua's betrothed at the start of the story, but after he leaves her behind to go on his little hero's journey or whatever she realizes that she deserved better. bless her. im not really sure where she ends up in the story. i want them to meet again later and have her play a pivotal role but idk what it is just yet! she also forms a strong bond with xenia at some point, much to joshua's dismay.

personality-wise she is very long-suffering but kinda scary and cunning. she doesnt use this for evil tho. she is also very protective. i think that was from growing up with joshua and having to step in when he was being treated unfairly (which also unintentionally contributed to his dependence on others to take care of things for him but that's for a deeper dive than this). idk! she's smart and quick and good at thinking her way out of a situation. she is also excellent at embroidery!

those are kinda the three who have been on my mind lately, but there's also isamara, who is the empress, and jayla who is the seems-to-be-evil-but-it's-more-complicated-than-that antihero type and ashka and nathalia whose biggest roles were played before the story started, but still serve a veryyyy important purpose now.

this is already long tho so i will save them for another time! i think they are really cool and (i just realized) their characters contain like 99% of the magical elements in the story ushfsdu so if u are curious i'd be happy to give them an overview too :>

[trashcatsnark]

What’s your opinion on Kerry being available to only male V when it’s mentioned in-game that he’s bi (correct me if I’m wrong, I have terrible memory)?? I feel like they should’ve had bi romance options if they were able to implement both gay and straight ones.

Oh anon, oooooh anon. I love you dearly, but you intentionally or not might as well have thrown lit dynamite in my ask box. This discourse has been such a strange beast within this fandom and I have definitely shared some vague thoughts about it before. I’m putting everything under a read more, to help stave off some....harassment or putting it in people’s lives who may not want it. 

 I still remember I was frankly heartbroken and upset when I first learned Kery wasn’t romanceable by female V when the game first officially came out, but before I played it; River and Panam weren’t even really known about, cause they weren’t talked about much in the promo material,  plus Kerry was shown in romance scenes with what looked to be female V. So, if you go back far enough you’ll find me in December cope posting and being the saddest and angriest of beans, because other than Johnny who I knew was likely off the table. He was one of the only characters I wanted to potentially romance. Now, I’m further away from it, have  processed my feelings regarding it and am more rational I believe regarding the issue. 

But, that being said, a large issue of this sort of discourse is that; no matter what anyone says, someone somwhere is upset. I’ve been insulted, blocked, accused of fetishizing gay men, and so much over my opinion regarding this matter. I’m still currently debating if I even wanna tag this, cause the issue almost always brings negativity to my blog and to me. I have very little interest in being berated for this, so we’ll see how I feel after I finish typing this all out. I’m going to try to go through all my issues, my points, my troubles and feelings about the matter. But, at the end of the day, it is merely my opinion. If someone disagrees, fine, just don’t attack people or berate them over pixels in a video game. Just dont. That’s all I ask. Okay, so I’m gonna divide this into talking points and whatever, now. 

Firstly, Kerry is bisexual. Point blank, period. I’ve seen folks try to argue that his wife was like comphet, which if you dont know means that sometimes exclusively homosexual people will try to force themselves into heterosexual relationships because society has conditioned them to believe they have to be straight. While, I’m not negating the fact that this happens, as a bisexual/pansexual (I use the terms interchangeably to define my experience and feelings)  person I’ve struggled with it when making sense of my attraction to women. It genuinely is something that happens. This is not the case for Kerry; he doesn’t ever hide his attraction to men, between TTRPG lore and the video game he has had two wives , and he is stated by game developers and TTRPG creator to be bisexual.He is bisexual. Getting that out there, saying other wise, in my opinion is a level of bi erasure. That being said, I do still have my grievances with how the game chose to handle his bisexuality and bisexuality as whole, also imo, the game generally doesn’t seem...to treat players who are attracted to men well… 

But before I get into that, I wanna make clear, I feel like Cyberpunk 2077 should have had more romance options for every orientation. If you’re not going to create a player-sexual style of romance; ie where every romanceable character is attracted to the player regardless and wish to focus on each character having their own predetermined sexuality; only have one character for each sexuality is kind of bullshit. If you’re a lesbian player and you’re not into Judy, you get nothing, except a fuck around with Meredith (who I will get to later). You’re a straight woman, but not into River, shit out of luck. You’re a gay man who’s not into Kerry, sucks to suck bud. You’re a straight man who’s not into Panam (kind dont get how you wouldn’t be but who am i to judge), well, you can fuck Meredith… so woooo. Oh also, if you’re not attracted to women, you will still be forced to watch in first person pov a sex scene with Alt and if you want Johnny to like you, you gotta date a girl. Also, all the male love interests will be sidelined mostly…. Hooray… But I digress, either go in with all romance options bi/pan/player sexual, or give more options for romance. Cause now you have the issue of people not getting the partner they hoped for and not liking their only option. Now, you got people trying to make the Judy  bi, which is lesbian erasure and lesbophobic, along with people saying Kerry isn’t bi and can’t be with women which is bi erasure and biphobic. Whereas, if you had just gone in from the get go with either more options or a player-sexual romance system; we wouldn’t be here, CDPR. 

Okay, so next thing, now that I’ve addressed my issues with the entire romance system and that yes, Kerry is bi. Should Kerry have been able to be romanced as female V? Yes and no. Which sounds vague, but I’m going somewhere. With the current set up of it; Kerry being romanceable to a female V would have unfairly given female players an additional love interest over male players. Female V would have the option of Judy, River, or Kerry. And Male V’s would have the option of Kerry or Panam. That’s not fair. I get that, inherently. CDPR painted themselves into a corner, by only letting there be two romances for “each” gender, one for “each” sexuality, and then using a canonically bi character for one of them. They played themselves, they were either gonna have to give an unfair amount of love interest to one side of their gender system or make a bi character who will only pursue one gender. So, they went for the latter. 

Now, some people feel thats fine, because Kerry having a gender preference is fine and its okay for bi people to lean a certain way in regards to gender and its okay for them to not be attracted to people. And that is true. I am a bisexual woman who leans a little more towards men, I get that. However, I have only been given one reason for Kerry’s preference for male V over female V. And it was by a developer of the game who stated that Kerry pursues Male V and not Female V because Male V reminds him more of Johnny… And I hate that. I personally, hate it so deeply, because to me it does a complete disservice to Kerry and V’s relationship and Kerry’s arc. Because even with female V you see him being preoccupied with Johnny and V’s connection to Johnny, then you see him move past that. So, to then state, its still a deciding factor in him romancing V is so wrong to me. Like why???? Why would you do that to people who like Kerry??? Why would you put that in their heads, that Kerry on some level, subconsciously or not, was thinking about Johnny when he decides to romance V. Cause that’s not in the game, in the game you get the vibe he’s moving on past Johnny, like he’s growing, developing, genuinely likes V. But that stupid tweet, just radiates rancid vibes, whyyy???  

And then, outside of that nasty tweet, I have to ask what other reason is there for why he prefers male V over fem V.  They’re...the same characters essentially, just with different pronouns and body type. They also can look like whatever you want; they’re completely customizable. So, Its based off of what the game associates with  gender characteristics and nothing else, meaning, his attraction is rooted solely in their gender and he turns down fem V by virtue of them being a woman and nothing else. Which, yeah, bisexual/pansexual people have preferences but when that preference completely excludes a gender based on nothing but gender…. Uhh????? See my issue???? 

And I’ve seen people saying, well, its better than CDPR playing into slutty will date anybody bisexual stereotypes. But, the thing is...THEY STILL DO THAT which is what drives me up the god damn wall; they managed to do slutty bi stereotypes and I don’t even get kiss the boy, which again, I get the need for fairness but wow, just wow. And lemme explain. 

Meredith is the only character, other than joytoys, whom you can have sex with regardless of gender, body type, etc. She is the only character who shows that she is attracted to V on some level regardless of gender. 

She is a one night stand. Her sex animations are the same as joytoys. She treated like a promiscuous love phobic woman.  And having characters like that is fine, my own V is promiscuous and love phobic. But, we can acknowledge that in a video game by a AAA game company having the only character who is at least physically attracted to the player no matter what, be nothing but sex fodder...isn’t great bi representation, right? 

Oh, and Kerry himself still is a promiscuous bisexual man, he just won’t romance female V because apparently, according to a dev, they don’t remind him of Johnny enough. AND THATS THE DEVS WORDS, NOT MINE, I HATE THAT. Like, Kerry is shown to have people’s lingerie around his house. He’s stated by Johnny to be someone who fucks around. He gets a blowjob from a man in a stairwell. 

The two most blatantly canonically bi character in this game are promiscuous; one wont romance V at all and just wants sex, the other will only romance a male V because at worse, he’s comparing them mentally subconsciously to his dead friend and at best….because….reasons…. Literally, from what I understand for Kerry to romance V, they have to have the “male” body type and “male” voice. Meaning, fem V could literally by all appearances look like masc V, body type wise, but because she uses female pronouns and has a feminine sounding voice...no… the stars say no… 

In my honest opinion, it is bad bisexual representation and a not so well thought out romance system for a game. 

But, that being said, I literally never romance anyone, because I’m a Johnny simp. So, the fuck do I know.

oh god do i tag this.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[goatpaste]

i love your art and all and maybe this sound silly but,,, what is exactly warriorcats? i want know more of the fandom

ty!

and its a book series! its called warriors but yknow for easier searching and it sounds better everyone just says ‘warrior cats’ lol

but its a book series that got super popular! and its being going on, and it still on going for nearly 20 years

and its just about 4 groups of cats living out in the woods and they got cat laws and stuff. and fun names where their name usually start off as like (blank)kit. Usually their prefix name is colors, flowers, nature, animals and ect. then they become apprentices and are renamed (blank)paw and they train to be warriors to fight for their clan and whatever and get the suffix in their name from paw to something else and whatever. like theres bluefur, jayfeather, flipclaw and swiftbreeze and stuff like that. and their leaders get nine lives and their suffix changes to star.

and the first six set of books is about this one pet named rusty renamed firepaw is prophecies to help the clans and whatever. and he becomes a super swaggy warrior and kicks ass or whatever. 

and after the first series where firepaw becomes fireheart and ofc firestar, (because you shouldn’t be surprised that the main character prophecies to be super swaggy in a young teen novel becomes the leader) its about his daughter squirrelflight and her friends but mostly her and brambleclaw (son of the least series main villian) and their stupid not that interesting or good relationship despite what you would hope would come from it.

then the next series is about squirrelflights kids jayfeather, lionblaze and hollyleaf and they have super powers maybe. tbh i dont remember a lot about that series, it had iconic scenes and stuff and cringe idiots. some of those cats sure had super powers and was a lot of build up to the next series.

and then the next series is aLSO about squirrelflights babies but now their not her babies because “surprise” they were her sister leafpool’s kids and for some reason even tho leafpool has been nothing but kind to the said kids and squirrelflight raised them with love, the kids treat them both like their dirty and terrible liars and not their moms. also dovewing is there and shes like the great niece of firestar and she’s hanging out with the cats from the last series

then the fifth series i didnt read but i think its about squirrelflight actual kid alderheart but i dont really know if thats true, again i didn’t read the books after some point in the fourth series

and if its not about alderheart then i think its about his adopted daughter uuuuh twigbranch or something and her sister violetshine, but more about violetshine i think. she seems important. and i think both of them change clans once or twice maybe, violetshine hangs out with an anime villian and i think her and twigbranch have THE most convoluted backstory from what i understood from their wiki.

then violetshine marries a stoner named tree and the next series about their kid stoner baby jr AKA rootpaw who is full of rage. also supporting main characters are dovewings son shadowsight and dovewings sister’s boring incest baby bristlefrost.

and i say incest baby because at this point in the series if you cant tell everyone is related to firestar or firestars nephew and the gene pool is entirely them, i think at least 80% of the group their apart of is their family. and remember how i said their was stupid forest cat rules? one of those rules was no having babies from outside the clan idiot! which is a dumb rule and has lead to stupid forbidden romances and so many incest babies. hardly anyone can have babies without being related anymore. the writers of the books series have accidentally made siblings mate, made uncles and nieces mates without realizing it.

look at this 

its a mess! and bristlefrost parents had parents/siblings who were apart of a prophecy about being related to firestar

also i havent even mentioned ghost cats because theres a variety to chose from! theres starclan which is cat heaven and the cats seek guidance from starclan through dreams, omens and prophecies despite all of starclan being made of dead cats they once knew. like their drinking pool water and holding a sayonce to ask their friend ted who died last year how much sugar goes in the recipe but fuck dude, ted is just a dead he doesn’t know. he shrugs and him and your other dead buddies get together and make a rough estimation of maybe a cup or two 

and then theres the dark forest where cats that starclan deemed bad and wrong go. its hell! its hell for cats! but starclan and the clans in general are kinda dick heads and I believe has sent some cats there unfairly while letting other shit heads into cat heaven. but thats me

and then theres just straight up ghost cats, i think its purgatory for cats? i havent read the part were ghost showed up. by the way didn’t mention this earlier, but the cat named Tree i mentioned earlier can see ghost and summon them i think. its just a thing that the group he was from can do, and his son rootpaw can also do it. its a big part of the series as a ghost is pillowing around a deadmans rotting corpse.

also tree was from a group that wasn’t apart of the clans named the sisters, they were an all female group who could see ghost or something. they seem neat. again, showed up in book i didnt read

and the starclan thing is only for clan cats, if you dont believe and dedicate yourself to starclans magic ways and rules you dont go here. where do you go? iuhknow somewhere dummy, you dont need to know.

theres two cats who dont believe in starclan which is funny to two extents which, one is a healer who are meant to talk to starclan and receive prophecies and stuff. Two, both were in a big war were starclan manifested in the real world with the dark forest and they killed each other. yes! the ghost manifested and made each other double super forever dead. and these cats still dont believe in starclan. but yknow what their fair, starclan is dumbass

this isn’t important but im on a roll now, and i just need to mention there was a group of cats who did yoga.

also! theres four clans!

the main one we only see for three-four series is thunderclan. their known for being the main character! their just very good and perfect and heroic and again, have main character syndrome. you will only see what thunderclan is up to for 4 series AT LEAST without reading the side books.

theres shadowclan, which when introduce at the series start is introduced as villians, their said to be evil and very very bad. they eat rats and stalk around at night like weirdos. however through reading the side books and the progression of the series you realize shadowclan had two evil rulers and MANY idiots. i love them, their very good at hiring clearly evil cats with bad ideology as their leaders and just blindly following them.

riverclan, they can swim! thats their gimmick! their lazy, pretty and arrogant. i love them their dumbasses and this one line of their wiki pages is enough said on them and is the funniest thing

then theres windclan, they sleep on the moor and run really fast. the first book series their fucking missing because shadowclan bullied them into leaving. we really dont see a lot of windclan until the second series, despite how often the cats have to walk through their lands to get places. tallstar is the first leader you meet in the series and i love him, he fucked firestars dad shitlips. 

all in all i think you probably wanted a short simple explanation but i got into it

the book series is bad, but very fun and very stupid. its so funny and bad.

its got its issues! i have a lot of complaints about it and its writing. but if you want an easy read to get into! i recommend it! if you have better things to do however, do that. theres better things out there than warriors I promise

[fuck0ffnleavemealone]

What I wish I could've said

Since the last post I made was fueled by emotions, so I'll give this post more effort

let me get a few things straight.

I believe what you told me. Because I'm done playing games, I thought I knew you. I really did.

But the more time passed I started to question if I could be wrong. And after all you said and did, I can't say that I recognise you.

Yes, you were a broken person. And to many extends you still are. But you changed in those years we spent together. I saw it in you, especially in the talk we had after my birthday and you can't deny that.

Let me also say that I definitely agree that our relationship was doomed to fail because we both didn't improve ourselves in ways we should have. That's why I can say that I'm glad it ended the first time. We were young, dumb, and had spent no time appart to determine if we were ever truly going to work as individuals. I defined myself by you. You made me who I am today, you gave me my name and with that an opportunity to grow. To live not defined by my past.

I won't deny that I should have known that the things I did would have a deeper effect on you. Even if they were small to me, such as liking photos. And I will never again defend the worse things I did or that I slept with a different person. And for all it's worth I see that nothing justifies what I did. I did what I did because I didn't think as I do now so i made a wrong choice. It's that simple. I hurt you because I didn't think. Though that does not mean it is less painful to admit

contrary to what you believe I see what you mean. Intimacy has become something that I cherish. Something I don't want to share with anyone else besides the person I love. And it has been like that ever since I saw what I did to you. While kissing still might be more special to me than to others I know that it is just an abnormality on my side.

I have chosen to adhere to my rules.

For you I'm honestly glad that you seem to be prioritizing yourself. Even if I think that you might have a few steps to go. I'm glad you're taking the journey, that's all I ever wanted for you.

Although I really have to say that starting a relationship while you yourself are still on the way of figuring things out/ or if you just ended things with someone you loved/ love, is something that is morally questionable. Because I've been there. But I decided against It because I will never again hurt the people who love/like me if I can help it.

I can't say more. Because I really don't wanna argue with you. Yes we have different views, that's actually what I enjoyed about us. As I saw in recent times, a perfect partner wouldn't make me happy. You may not realise it but a large part of my change is thanks to you. For that I thank you. From my view it really hurt to see you do the same thing you did with Serhart. Because it is not a conincidence that you chose your new guy. An anti me. But comparing the two of us is not fair to him and me. Especially when you seem to know that I changed a whole lot.

But for all it's worth, and as much as it may hurt to know that someone else is making you laugh now. I hope it makes you feel a little less shitty and I hope that I was special enough to not be a completely bad memory.

In regards to toxicity, yes. You are one of the most toxic people I've ever met. And I don't say this to hurt you but because I know where it comes from. That's why I took every beating you gave me. Because I knew that most of those words weren't what represented you. But that doesn't make it right. I'm glad you know what you did to me. Even though I think you might not see the whole picture. But I'm sure I dont see yours as complete either.

In regards to our relationship, yes we didn't work out. I knew that I have accepted that. What I wanted to achieve was greater than that. I said I wanted to be there because that is truly what I want. I wanted to be as important to you as you were to me. Simply a person that's there for good. You didn't have to be my girlfriend.

Although I hoped that maybe after a few more experiences or simply enough time that we would realise that we both had something very special that does not come often. A feeling. Something I could not feel for anyone else and something that just made me like it was all worth it. Atleast for me. Even tho I really saw what made our relationship difficult. I was glad that we were different enough to grow and learn. I'm sure you're not the same person you were when we started dating. And that was my point. People change, in both directions.

I just really wanted to be there to see the change and maybe even help you. Because at the end of the day I would always enjoy your company. Even if it would just be once a month for a coffee and some shit talk.

As for the point that you never felt good enough. I know, and I'm really sorry you felt like that and that I contributed to your feelings of inadequacy. But I assure you that in my fucked up mind, you were always what I wanted. I just often thought that you would wake up one day and realise you didn't want me anymore. So I did stupid things to hide how attached I truly was to you. Ironically is that the reason why I acted the way no normal person does and I drove you away from me in the first place. We both had issues, once again. That's why i thought it would be good if we split up, because I knew that as long as you weren't gone for good. I'd get my shit together eventually.

You tried to give me a chance. But if I'm honest, you never did. That's why I still think I was treated unfairly by you. Because if we just look at what happened after that time. I really tried to fit myself to you. I gave you your space as much as I could and only tried to do what you wanted. I might not have been very good at it and Im Sure I sent wrong signals from time to talk me. but I just wanted to lay low till you were strong enough to give me the love I knew you were capable of but needed time. I was happy just being with you. All I wanted in return was honesty.

This is probably the one thing you won't change my mind about. My big problem is that in the end I feel like you didn't really respect me at all. And that made me think I wasn't worth it. (I know that this might be shitty to hear from me, but having delusions is not something that only you gotta deal with) That you couldn't look me in my eyes and hurt me. Knowing it was the right thing to do. And all the on, off, on and off after that hurt me even more. Because I told you explicit that I would understand if you don't want to be with me, but you should've told me right there in that car. Because I knew I couldn't take one more ride on the "I'm not sure" rollercoaster. And you looked me in my eyes and told me you loved me. That is all I needed to hear to give you my heart once more. Because I saw you really meant it.

Then you still broke up with me over text and sent me a lot of mixed signals which didn't make it better (the last night we slept together)

I feel like a person who cared even a little bit about me wouldn't have done that to me because love is a deep form of respect and appreciation. (But that is my thing "view" I cannot change, just like you with my sleeping with someone else.)

And that is why it's so hard to let go. Because the last time I really saw you, we made love. You held me and showed me that there was still something between us. And then you left. So in my head, all of that is still very real for me. I never saw the person I loved again. It's almost like you died and I never got to say goodbye. Because if you did give me the chance for a goodbye. I could've let you go easier. I wouldn't be sitting here simping for a person who told me time and time again how much distaste, disgust and hate she feels for me. Because you know I have my weird quirks, this is one of them. If it's not in person, it doesn't quite feel real.

The truth is, I wanna let you go, focus more on me than I already do. Let you live your life without having all these mixed feelings towards you. To have my good memories while being able to move on (not into a relationship because that is nothing I really want right now, but the form of platonic love I experience right now)

I saw what all the thoughts of me did to you. That's why I actually wanted to talk to you a few days before you broke things of. I wanted some time away from me for you. I wanted to let you heal and experience the world like you could not have done before. Because I knew it would be good for you. But I would always be there in case you needed someone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you these things earlier

I'm glad you regret what you did to me. I'm glad we both regret things, because that's the first step of change. It doesn't make right what we did. But i am okay with the fact that it is a good thing that I can see now how wrong and hurtful I could be. Because I know I could never be like that again.

It makes me truly sad to hear what you went through, and I never wanted that for you. One reason I wanted to give us both a clean cut, so we could heal better and healthier. But to be clear, I went down a dark part as well. I guess you could read my suicide attempt out those lines. Or the time random people had to save me from alcohol poisoning. I did a lot of horrible things to myself, and that's noones fault. I think if I hated you it would have been easier but because I didn't let my pain turn to hate I went out of control.

I did not want to exist in a world where the only person I was ever ready to love. The person who made me what I am, and the one whom I wanted to grow old with. threw me away just to replace me like a used napkin, because that's what it felt like.

But similar to you, I know that that I am worth much more than I thought I was. I deserve love and respect. Most of all from myself. And that is the person I have to learn to love first before I can ever be right for anyone else.

I hope you find the best person you can be. And don't choose the easy path because it's convenient. Life is fucking hard right now. But our mistakes make us who we are. Show us how we can grow and change as people.

No I didn't only think about who suffered more. The thing is that I didn't see you suffer. I only heard bits and parts that made it seem like you didn't. That you were okay, that not having me in your life wasnt a big deal. So I felt betrayed. I felt like you lied to me. Like you used me. Which I thought you did.

Yes you told me you didn't wanna talk. But I told you why it was so important to me, because I thought I could still talk to you on a base of respect. And I still stand by that. I'm aware it would have been hard for you. But sometimes it's about doing the right thing, giving someone that what they need just because you can and know it will help them. But you did not and that is what I still don't understand. Because I can imagine how you feel about me. But just justifying dissapearing by "I don't owe you anything" makes you seem like a coward or someone who doesn't know how to respect anyone they dont love (anymore)

I thought of us both, because even though you might think the opposite. I am sure it would have helped us to come to an end. Because what i asked for wasnt “taking the whole hand” ( casue in that case i dont know what the small finger was, you even texting me back is not something i should have to be thankful for) It was simply my last try to do things right. Because that is what humans want, people want closure. Thats one of the most common desires.

I'm sorry you think I don't want to listen. Because I do. I really wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to know what went on Inside your head. But it is really hard to know what to believe because you lied to me so much that I don't know anymore what is your mask and your coping mechanisms and what is the real you. no matter how often you say them. I sadly cannot believe them because I can't see your face to know if it's really the truth.

I regret how I treated you and that things didn't work out. As I said once, I really wish I would have met you in five years. When you're doing great, and I'm finally good enough to myself to be good for someone else.

I don't think love ever truly goes, I think you reach a point where you realise you either love enough to see that things werent working out and that people need time appart or even a split for good and to not see eachother again. Or that you realise that the love wasn't ever really there.

Because anything less isn't love in my mind.

But that does not mean I'm right or that anyone else has to live by these standards.

Yes it hurts to read those words and to think about that you really believe in them. That there is no true end. But just a stop. To hear that it "was love" for you, because I still don't know when that ended. I'm sorry that it is this hard for me to accept. But I know about myself now that once I love. I love for good.

I sadly still think I won't love again. Because I don't know how to stop loving you. Believe me I want to stop. But at the same time I don't want to because I remember what made me love you in the first place.

That's not your fault, I'm aware I might make it very hard for myself. But thats just the way I do things. I don't wanna be like my mom and blame everyone else and just spend my life hating everyone. I accept that I love, and I accept that I can't show it ever again.

I hope I will make it through this as much as I hope you do the same. And that you know deep inside that I never meant to hurt you. That I'm not as bad as a person as you tell yourself I am. Because yes, I have my fuckups now and then (you are a very sensitive point for me emotionally, so i get triggered really easily when it's regarding you)

But I think you'd be proud of me if you saw me acting around and caring about my friends. Kicking out people who use me. Standing up for myself when people think they can push me around just cause they are bigger or think they are more important. If you saw me going about my day even tho I'm not feeling fine. Me still existing even tho I almost stopped to. I don't think I'm toxic. (That's what a toxic person would say I guess) I just think I have the capacity to do things I'm not proud of but I also know I will be better in the future.

And from the bottom of my heart I really wish you the best in your life. From yourself and from everyone around you. I hope that you fail as much as possible, to know how to improve. And then I hope you succeed with what you truly want to do and who you want to be. I hope you one day look back on this as a fond memories. Because I know I will. Because I will always remeber you as what you are to me. and who knows. maybe ill see you again in 30 years and i can smile because you could have found your way and i could have found mine. Ill never know what the future holds

It's really hard for me to see you go. Because I really want to be a part of you and your journey. But I never meant to stop you. I guess you listened to your heart and it told you what to do. You don't seem to want me and as sad as that makes me. Looks like what we joked around once turned out to be true.

It eez what it eez

Yours truly

Moe

Ps: this is the last I'll say on the topic, everything else doesn't need to be said again. I will stop looking at your Tumblr.( So maybe don't reply to this. if you ever even read it. ) Even tho it is the last thing that let me check on you. But I want to try and heal. and I cant do that if my phone reminds me everyday of what I miss most. Eventually I will be fine. Even tho im scared of the future. The universe didnt let me die for a reason. I just have to find what that reason is.

[dnd-inspiration]

If you’ve sent me an ask within 30 days… it's here!

If yours isn’t here, send it again!  I’m sorry it took me so long to get to you guys. It’s been a few crazy weeks, I’m generally a lazy person, and having more than 5 asks stresses me out so I avoid my inbox. So lets get to it!

@leonmashedpotatoes Hello there, I'm going to be running a 3.5 shackled city campaign and I'm excited about the campaign, but I'm nervous because my homebrew campaigns have been making me super overwhelmed and I don't end up having any fun playing and the session just ends anticlimactically. How can I keep myself from getting overwhelmed? I figured it'd be easier since I'm using a module but I'm still nervous that I won't end up having fun PLeS HalP

It depends! Why does it overwhelm you? Are you organized enough? Do your players ask you stupid questions that you didn’t think you had to prepare for? Get good at predicting those dumb questions, or get good at improv. Are they doing things you don’t want them to do, like going north when they should go south? Just change the stuff happening in the south to the north. Or block off the path. I’d also recommend taking a 5 - 10 min break. Get up, stretch, get some snacks, etc. AS for anticlimactic session ends, try to plan for a good stop or stop playing too long. Sometimes sessions I’m in go so long we basically end when someone falls asleep.

@meme-regime

Hi, gonna DM a campaign that revolves around 2 countries at war. The campaign will eventually build up to each country having a superweapon, but the players only know about the enemy's. They are sent to stop it and while gone the allied country's goes off accidentally. My question is, how should i get my players invested in the story and really care about and join one side, rather than just do mercenary work? Its a war over land, so neither side is necessarily in the right, morally. Thanks!

Ask them to come up with detailed backstories about where they’re from, any friends, etc. Put those NPCs in the town in the region you want. Maybe one side pays well, maybe one side is filled with [x “evil” race]. Have them meet NPCs that they themselves care about their land. You can’t really force anyone to care about anything. I always stressed myself out when I cared if they did, so I stopped caring. And weirdly enough they started!

@ anon

I want to start dm'ing a campaign. Any advice for someone who's never dm'd before?

Just read up on the rules, find a module you want to try, read through it, and relax!

@ anon

I need to create a D&D character for a group me and my friends are starting. How do I go about it?

I use the app “5th edition Character Sheet” and I love it. If you pay 1 dollar you get to level up easy. There are guides online to help you out. Reading the player's handbook also helps! Make sure you and your buds know what level you’re starting at, and if you’re doing point buy or rolling your stats.

@sevenawkwarddays

So, I just recently started DMing and my group really seems to enjoy inns and enjoys roleplaying visiting one. I'm running out of gimmicks and fun quirks to give them and was wondering if you have any advice or suggestions?

Watch/read/listen to media related to that and take inspiration from there. Look up historical inns, look up local bed and breakfast joints, etc. There are some cool podcasts about history, myths, etc.

@irl-yuya

I'm writing a campaign for my friends (in which I will be both DMing and playing a character) should I get ideas, just knowing my friends' classes and see what happens or wait until they've finished character building? (We're using fan made classes. Dancer, Death Weapon (based on the show Soul Eater) and Dragon Slayer Wizard (based on Fairy Tail.)

Its your campaign, you should make it no matter what they want to play. Their races and classes shouldn’t matter too much. I’m in the middle of writing a campaign where Drow are despised, much more than normal, and driven out of towns. I’d gently suggest my players not play Drow, but hey if they want I won’t stop them. They just need to know what they’re getting into. I’m not about to change my entire campaign just because they want to play Drow but not be treated unfairly.

@ anon

Im setting up a Lamia lair in an old desert ruin, and so far i have a Lamia, jackalweres, manticores, and slaves occupying it. I have a maze, main lair, and slave cages planned, but i want it to be bigger. Any ideas???

Honestly I have no idea what Lamia is and google didn’t help… so here are some maybe not so helpful suggestions.

Room of pots, some overflowing with rubies. When you dig for more, its sand. If one breaks, endless sand pours out.

A giant room with pillars, and a single set of stairs that almost goes up to the ceiling.

A room dedicated to giving gifts to gods. You probably shouldn’t take anything. Should leave something instead.

Giant crocs who can be appeased with hearts

@ anon

So, in my campaign, almost all the PCs have a dead sibling, so I try to emphasize familial bonds in the story. Would having the BBEG's goal to bring back their own dead sibling be keeping to the motif or just lazy writing? Any suggestions for alternatives or ways to make that more interesting?

Whats bad about bringing your sibling back? Obviously raising the dead is a bit iffy but if I was one of your players I wouldn’t hunt him down for doing that. Maybe his sibling is bigger, badder, and generally better at doing evil stuff.

@didthething

My players are wandering through a mountainous region, with occasional Kobold tribes interspersed. They are searching for an old tower surrounded by a thick, cloying fog. What might they run into while they are wandering about?

I don’t have a monster manual, but I’d look into that to help you out! Rocs could be funny, since they sound like “rocks”. Bullets? Birds, goats, other typical animals you’d find on a mountain. Maybe some mountain monks or something.

@candalable

I think this is totally doable for your first game. Neat idea! I think your plot is fine, I don’t have any points. Since this is set in one place, make this places VERY detailed. Names, ages, jobs of all npcs they come across, town export and import, etc. Not sure about puzzles since everything sets back to normal tbh.

@anon

I'm DMing a session and my players are in a campaign where they're in a magical rubix cube dungeon that rotates and opens paths to new rooms when they interact with certain parts of the room they're in. I'm trying to design each room to be unique in both it's layout and what kind of challenge they'll have to go through, and i've already got three rooms planned out, but i'm running dry on cool ideas for puzzles, traps, or fun battles for them to stumble into. There are 5 players if it helps.

@anon

Could read through my blog and see if you can apply/tweak any to a room. Look up popular brain teasers and puzzles, twist them to a dnd setting. A room with a long staircase, halfway up you notice a really tall being just staring at you. Narrow bridge to get to the other side, but its cut. You can climb down the ladder into darkness. The other side seems slanted enough you can climb up.

@literal-trash-heap

In an adventure I'm writing, I need a monster that could make ships mysteriously vanish, but still be suitable for first level players. I was thinking maybe something to do with ghosts and the ethereal plane, but any suggestions would be terrific!

Low HP powerful monster that actually only makes ship invisible and sets them off course? Otherwise your suggestion sounds great.

@anon

In the party I have, everyone seems to be focused on only the task ahead and they aren't finding creative ways to overcome challenges. How can I change this and slyly force them into some RP and world exploration?

You can’t make them play how you want them to. If you want them to get into room A, and the door is locked and you don't want them busting it down but finding the key… make it impossible to break down. Thats as far as you can force their hand though. Maybe they like the straight path? You can introduce some NPCs  that want to show them the world, or need an escort.

@anon

Several sessions ago the party I have been DMing helped an Armorer and a Weaponsmith get together. Now, they've been invited to their wedding. It looks like the party wants to go so I want to spice it up a bit. I'm thinking some sort of monster should attack mid vows but I'm not sure what would be good. The wedding will take place in a city set on the side of a mountain, and the players should be about level five by the time they get there. But I have no idea what the monster should be

@anon

Look in the monster manual? Maybe there is a crazed ex lover that wants revenge. Maybe some giant birds want the bird seed, or see shiny objects in the wedding like the rings or decorations.

@anon

im dming for my four friends, but two of them chose to be bards, and the other two are a cleric and a wizard. should i like, force some of them to change roles or is there someway for me to change monsters and enemies so they dont get completely junked

I’d tell everyone everyone’s class, see if they’re okay with that, and treat them like any normal party. I treat my normal parties like they CAN die… but if they’re nice and don’t do stupid stuff, they only almost die. I don’t force my players but if you’re cool with that and so are they, go for it I guess.

@cometgrace

I have a question, if you don't mind. I'm really interested in playing d&d but I have no friends who would be interested so I'm looking to play it online. The problem is, I have absolutely no experience with the game and I know pretty much nothing. What's a good way a get started and figure out the game? or a good way to just learn the ropes?

Read up the players handbook and go online! Roll20.net is something people use. You can also find game shops in your town that host [free] dnd nights with tables for you to use! For free! Most people are patient. Just be up front that that you’re new and do your best to play along.

@gxjira

i have an idea for a campaign and several little details for it but for some reason i cant connect them? so far i have a tiny town full of completely regular people, a well with weird powers, the lunar eclipse and a bad time

Sorry but there isn’t nearly enough information for me to help you out!

@synodicstudying

I have a new DND session this weekend and I'm dusting off one of my old character ideas- a wood elf druid with a chronically ill wife and a 10 year old stepson, driven by trying to find the cure for her wife. She's definitely a motherly figure, with an emphasis on healing and shapeshifting abilities who I mean to make into the glue of the party, but I just got the setting. We're in the Arctic. Any ideas on how to adapt her to fit?

I love your idea so much!  Why not have her travel from your beautiful home continent? The arctic supposedly has the oldest seed in the world, frozen in time. And its one of the things you need for your wife!

@anon

So my players have unknowingly contacted the first arcs Big Bad and asked them for work. The Big Bad has been scrying on them and is slowly recognizing them as a threat, not just an annoyance. He's in a really good position to get rid of them without losing his sterling reputation. Any suggestions on how he could do this without tipping his hand that he's a villain to the party until it's too late?

Having them do tasks that kind of fuck up the town, or powerful people only. Tasks like taking a package from the Yarl to X address, instead of Y making it look like you stole it.

[sunshinequeer]

ok so think about a stick it au. (i tried to insert a link to the synopsis but tumblr wouldnt let me send it. you can type in "stick it plot despcription" adn find really fast) its a movie and R would be hayley and joly and bousset are his two friends. the coach is JVJ? idk i ahvent thought much about it but i had this thought last night and i thought itd be interesting to explore more. (i also dont know what the endgame would be)

I haven’t watched this movie in a long time and actually forgot it’s existence until this moment so bare with me but

First of all Grantaire a nationally ranked gymnast? My jam I’m in, also I have no idea whether Joly or Bossuet would be Kellan Lutz’s Character but I’m also in because either of them with spiky bleached blond hair is great to imagine.

Jean Valjean would be a bomb gymnast coach, he’s strong as hell with the patience of a saint and would want nothing more than to get this kid with a horrible idea of the world after living through hell to be able to focus on something and prepare and do well.One of the people Grantaire trains with btw is Musichetta js any time there’s a chance of jbm in an au I will take it

Catch Grantaire doing everything to piss off his team and JVJ because he won’t admit how much he cares about this, and absolutely refuses to just be like every other person doing this he’s gotta make an Impact™ and show everyone how much he’s not taking this seriously

JVJ decides to drop him for not taking things seriously cause although the man is always there for his team he refuses to deal with anyone not willing to better themself for both his sake and the sake of his team

Grantaire realizes not having this in his life is a hell of a lot harder than he thought, he makes a huge speech and apology to the entire gym, thoroughly embarrassing himself because he does not want to have to swallow his pride and apologize after messing up

He starts training harder, listening to Valjean, running every morning, doing everything he’s told but like it’s Grantaire how long is that gunna last? He starts talking to his team about pushing themselves and making sure they’re the best gymnasts there

The thing is when they get to the bug thing gymnasts go to that i don’t know what what’s called a match? It’s not a math but it’s like one, the judges start to judge them unfairly

Fuck that man Grantaire TRIED for this worked his ASS off they ALL did and he’s not letting some Holier Than Thou judges treat them like shit for whatever reason not only that but people on other teams are getting judged unfairly over stupid technicalities like wtf they’re amazing athletes and this is how they’re being treated? Nah, just cause Grantaire likes to act like this isn’t important doesn’t mean anything it IS important and there needs to be something done

He talks to Chetta about getting the other people in on a plan, they start doing nothing but chalking up and placing their hand on things, except for one person who worked their ass off for a specific thing and deserved to win without getting docked for something dumb. Before they know it other teams are joining in and People are straight up leaving, the judges are furious but if there’s anything Grantaire loves it’s pissing off shitty authority figures

They successfully rig it so that the person they choose to win does because the judges are incapable and it serves to prove a point these athletes aren’t gunna be pushed over anymore

Again I haven’t watched this in? A really long time but I’m pretty sure this is how it goes and Grantaire would be a fantastic Hayley

[crushallthehearts]

Ranting

I’m getting this out because it’s important to me,even though it’s extremely toxic and unnecessary and I wish I didn’t react at all.

Heres a comprehensive list of all the reasons I hate you,since I haven’t made myself crystal fucking clear apparently.

- Originally you had an issue with me. You did not confront me about it,you took it straight to social media. You also hid it away expecting me not to see it,I saw it and had to confront you first. That makes you two faced,a coward,and just a straight up bitch.

- You hold how I acted that night over my head,rubbing my actions in my face. But the thing is,I've apologised(sincerely) for it,and I've learned. It was wrong of me to try to make someone interact with anyone they don't want to regardless of why they don't. It pushes boundaries that I have no right to even question. Even if it splits the group. Even if everyone else in the group is fine with it but one person. Even if I think its stupid and ridiculous,that's why it's not my boundry I guess.I love my friends and my family and don't want them uncomfortable that's why I haven't forced any meetings since that point,I haven't tried to make anyone change their mind,and I tell everyone who will be there at a get together so they can stay back if they want. I have no issues anymore with anyone because I take things like this and I learn and grow,I admit when I am wrong and I do better,but you don't and you won't see that.

-You have used screenshots from 4 FUCKING YEARS ago in an attempt to hurt my feelings at best and make me break up with my fiance,or maybe it was an eye for an eye type of thing at worst. Revealing your big "truth". You act like this was just a big weight on your chest and that you just “had to tell the truth”. You had 4 years for that but you looked me in the face and didn’t say shit until you got pissy. Again,you’re a coward and a bad friend.

-On that stupid note, okay,something did happen between you and my fiance, so why the fuck would you have the audacity to continue to hang around with him in front of me?If you knew you were the “other woman” and it just burdened your little “empathetic” soul so bad,why wouldn’t you just quietly cut ties and go somewhere else? There are plenty of other people to be friends with. I wouldn’t be able to look any girl in the eyes if I ever found out I was the other woman,let alone pretend to be a friend to her and not let her know right away,but I suppose thats a big difference between someone that is empathetic and someone who pretends to be because it fits her victim complex. You know what happens when a real empath hurts someone who is innocent,intentionally or not?It makes us soul sick,you cannot just bury it and pretend it didn’t happen. Your mind WILL not let you. Why do you think I couldn’t let you guys talk shit about my friend in front of me?Why do you think I thought this might happen if I spoke up and did it anyway?Because I can’t let bad things happen to good people,it almost physically pains me to stand by and do nothing to protect innocent people even if it costs me dearly like it has. Im still glad for speaking up that night even though it caused all this,in my mind,it is still absolutely worth it because my friend was attacked for reasons beyond his control,for being himself,and for getting fucked over.

-I hate you because you acted like you and you know who were just so close,but you fucked her man behind her back too. You wanted his dick the whole time,and you just laid in wait for them to break up because you know he can’t keep it in his fucking pants. I also know that it was him that brought you around to start with,not my friend that you blaimed your plague on my life for. Because I guess just admitting you started out in the group as a fuck toy and nothing more is a harsh reality to accept and gives you no real ground to stand on.

-You also talked so much shit about my friend behind his back and tried to apologise for treating him so fucking unfairly afterwords like it was cool because you thought you had given it enough time to blow over. Know that because he told me. I hope you know he had nothing bad to say about you,even after all that. Even after you villanized him with straight up lies to fit your argument. He had been nothing but a friend to you and you attacked him over and over. He didn’t know why he was being attacked and singled out,and you just let him feel like shit because it fit your agenda at the moment,not very “empathetic” of you now is it? Oh,and now since he didn't accept your insincere apology you're back to dragging him though the mud.

-You talked shit about me behind my back with anyone that would listen,claiming I wasn’t worth the truth but in reality it’s because you’re a horrible person,and again,a fucking coward. But thanks,you exposed some fake ass people to me so I guess you almost did me a favor by sending screenshots and trying to hurt me.(Or telling,"the truth" as you like to call it)

-You preach of loyalty and yet cheat on your man constantly. That poor dude is so used to being Eskimo brothers with all his friends and it sickens me that you treat someone you claim to love like that. He only gets part of you and he’s stuck by all your insanity for over a decade now and he just has to accept that or you will leave. I wonder how many STD’s you’ve brought back home to him as a reward for him trusting you too much? At least one,and probably many more. You are more than likely the main cause of all his issues or at least a big part of them. I dated someone just like you for two years and it drove me nuts,I can’t imagine what he’s going though after 10. Not that you give a shit,because like everyone else,he’s hurt you too and I bet you think he deserves it.

-Another difference between you and I is that I have been cheated on in every single relationship I've ever been in, and yet not once did I ever cheat back in revenge. I can't hurt people who have my heart like that. I just let them do what they did,and cast them away permanently when I cant take giving so many chances anymore. When I am with someone I love with my whole heart,with everything I have,and you can think that makes me stupid or naieve but when I leave a realtionship I get to leave it saying I did my best and got fucked over anyway,and if they couldn't see what they had then it's because they didn't want to. My loyalty in relationships in unfaltering even if the loyalty isn't mutual,and it's something I've always taken pride in,it's also another thing you have no concept of.

-You’ve called me every name in the book. Put so many daggers in my back,and in all of my friends backs that I’ve lost count of them,and then YOU act like a victim. Im just the big,bad narcissist attacking you for fun, right?Are you putting reasons why I am still so mean to you together now?Finally all clicking?Probably not lol but this is fun,let’s continue.

-Somehow you just can’t correlate the negative interactions you have with others and you being a shit person and I just dont understand how you could ever be so blind. Sometimes when everyone else is the problem,YOU’RE THE PROBLEM. Guess how many problems I have had with people since I was in highschool up until all this went down?That’s right,none. You seem to be the only denominator in this little equation.

-I just wish you would fuck off permanently,and let me fucking heal from all of this shit,but you just refuse to. I still get screenshots from my friends of you talking shit. You stalk my social media looking for anything that could even mildly be related to you,openly mock me,and if I fight back then it’s because I’m a bully. But I guess I always have been known for bullying the bully,so I guess that’s a fair title. I wish I could take back the few months we actually did talk back,I should have just continued barely acknowledging your existence in my life and I wouldn't have had to have dealt with you now. Out of everything that happened,that is my one regret,the one thing that upsets me more than anything else. The psuedo "friendship" we were beginning to build. The fact that I even let it happen still makes me disgusted with myself when I think of what you have shown yourself to really be. You turned so quickly,you attacked so viciously,and I left myself wide open for it. I damn myself everyday for trying to understand and connect with you instead of taking you for what I thought at first glance. I allowed myself to get covered with your toxic bullshit and now its poisoning me and your doing just fine because your whole life is just a pile of toxic waste anyway.

Ok,I'm done now.