#i really set myself up for this huh

[nexadarling]

Friends i am over caffeinated, under fed, got a long work day ahead of me, and i'm still sad about trigun. Who wants to take bets on how long it takes me to cry about fictional men at work today???? Winner gets absolutely nothing but it'll be amusing i think

[lover-of-mine]

Tim literally did say that they’d be bringing back past characters this season, we know that already?? so i don’t know why people are freaking out about tommy guest starring, there are probably other characters returning too that we don’t know about yet. people are acting like it’s a secret that he’s back and therefore that means something?? abc are clearly taking all spoilers seriously, not just him 😅 and the love interest stuff is suuuuuch a reach. there is zero proof of this and i mean, come on…… possibility of first male love interest for buck and they choose tommy?? huh? 😂

Wait, they people are saying Tommy is back to a be a love interest? Oh, yeah, because they would totally take half of the couple most people want together, make him queer and immediately shove him with the 118 guy he replaced, who we don't even know if he met, and a lot of people get confused about because he only exists in begins episode, sure. We knew he was gonna make an appearance, and isn't Tommy, like, in some sort of special rescue crew? He's the one Chim calls who sends the plane with the water to that one huge fire in s2 isn't he? Buck ending up meeting him because he's unsettled and wants some specialized training makes a lot more sense than "oh they're gonna fuck" why does everyone jump straight to the "oh they're gonna fuck"? Also, taking half of buddie (any half), making him queer, and not putting them together, it's a dumb decision, because buddie is so intertwined that queer storylines for them need to be addressed together and to use someone we already know to create conflict between buddie when they already have love interests locked and loaded is just dumb. The chances of them giving Buck a male love interest are so low. And making said love interest Tommy? That would be such an insane move from the showrunners. This is a first season in a new network too, they're not gonna do something as risky as giving Buck a male love interest who's not Eddie right off the bat. Also, it's not the Buck show? Not every secret being kept is gonna be about Buck's storyline. Buck could be an entry point for something else. More people could be in the basketball game. They could be hiding stuff about the basketball thing because the script got leaked. There are so many possibilities, why are the specs always "they're gonna fuck"???????

[flowercrowngods]

Eddie slots himself neatly beside Steve, who in turn has wedged himself awkwardly, deliberately so, against the wall so that the bed is sprawling in comparison to his body.

"Heard I'm not a house fire, Harrington," Eddie says easily. "Heard I'm just a boy."

Steve holds his breath, knowing Eddie can tell.

"That lighter - Wayne thinks he lost it, y'know? Big, chunky old thing. Doesn't know that I have, well, light fingers when I want to. He trusts me. I break that trust. I think he pretends I don't. Hurts less that way. Or just different. Different kind of hurt." Eddie huffs out a laugh.

"Why are you telling me this?" Steve asks, not wanting to blame Robin for telling, but desperately wanting to blame someone, somehow.

"What do you think the first thing a kid with a lighter does?" Eddie asks, and runs a finger over the shell of Steve's ear, making him shiver for all the wrong reasons. Steve wants to ask. Can already smell the smoke. "Yeah, you got it."

"Firebug," Steve says, remembering for the first time the unexplained fires from a few years back. Back when he didn't have to care. "They never caught you."

"I freaked myself out, got too close to the flame," Eddie says, and presses a finger right against Steve's cheek, making it to hollow. "Look what I did again."

"I'm not a flame," Steve says as Eddie pulls his finger away and traces Steve's jawline.

"Sure would like to watch you burn though," Eddie says.

"Did Robin make you do this?" Steve asks and Eddie shakes his head.

"Would that be easier? You could turn me away with my virtue intact? Instead, here I am, the worst version of myself still loving the worst version of yourself, and what are you supposed to do with that."

"You know how to get away with it," Steve says, really realising. "You - love me."

"Both true," Eddie says. "Whatever that means to you, I'll take it."

"You deserve better," Steve says.

"That's for me to decide, isn't it?" Eddie asks. "You fascinate me, Harrington. In the way of rare things. Or deadly things, perhaps."

Steve moves then, so he can line their mouths up.

"The way you talk about me - like you actually see me - "

"I'm just a boy," Eddie says.

"No, I don't think so," Steve says, breathing in the air Eddie's breathing out. "No, not at all."

And then Eddie kisses him, and it's like suffocating, but the best kind, and Steve doesn't fight to inhale, getting lost in it instead, and maybe Eddie is a deadly thing too, because Steve is light headed and gasping when they part.

"Okay, he says. Okay.

Eddie is not just a boy. He's a bolt of lightning that shoots into a tree and burns it from the inside in a beautiful display of nature's forces. He's a house-fire. He's the sun.

Steve is the tree. He is the house. He is the flower turning toward the sun to stay alive. He's the boy who forgot how to breathe air that doesn't smell of gasoline or smoke.

But it's okay. It's okay.

[andromeda3116]

i know that the "adulting sucks" thing has been overdone to the point of obnoxious, but seriously

seriously

adulting fucking sucks

[tapucocoafgc]

Had a very good talk with my gf last night that basically boiled down to: you can't care for others until you can care for yourself

And it's so obviously like, I needed to clear brain space to do that anyway, but having another person say it put it really starkly into perspective

[princekirijo]

2024 might not be my year but it is gonna be the year I start treating myself with even a little bit of respect

[moonsua]

me, with the literal 'moon sua' url: hey guys who do i make you think of

[deathxproof-archive]

go d okay now that I’m actually writing again I’ll probably commit to like. making a proper muse page (considering there’s apparently MANY of them now) and also remembering to post my actual current rules and some other stuff. maybe make myself a new banner and icon. go hog fucking wild.

[mugmegan]

whoever was in charge of that episode must REALLY love Choso like holy shit what the hell was that they really went all out with that. (was that yukata nakamura in there somewhere?) not only with the animation but with the direction too wow. Never seen an episode that animated before that must have took forever (and a lot of tears) it felt like an anime movie but one of the most stylish action anime movie I've seen but also can the narrator please shut up

[naggingatlas]

you dont think its possible to feel like youre having a heart attack from a deltarune animation set to living fucking tombstone wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong

[mahikamihan]

dying just a tiny bit when i was sketching last night

[vanillashusband]

CAPSAICIN COOKIE HASN'T EVEN BEEN RELEASED YET AND I LITERALLY KEEP STARING AT HIS PROMO IMAGE GOD FUCKIGN DAMN IT

[deacf-coffee-is-a-sin]

no ok but i hate how sometimes steven will like hold himself a certain way when he walks or like talks with a certain inflection/enthusiasm and i get hit with this wave of Self-Recognition

like i do not need to feel this way and know what other ppl see when they interact with me

[sludgeguzzler]

I've been pacing in circles in my room while crying since I was like. 8 years old

[destler]

i just watched fleabag do NOT hit me up rn

[vadlings]

Represention of Autistic Frustration in Laios Dungeon Meshi

Like many other autistic people, I related strongly to Laios Touden while reading Dungeon Meshi. This post isn't going to spend time disputing whether he displays autistic traits or not—while I could do that, I want to focus on why specifically his portrayal struck a chord with me in a way the writing of most other autistic-coded characters has not.

Disclaimer: as the above suggests, this post is strongly informed by my own experiences as an autistic person, as well as the experiences of my neurodivergent friends with whom I have spoken about this subject. I want to clarify that in no way am I asserting my personal experience to be some Universal Autistic Experience. This post is about why Laios' character feels distinct and significant to me in regard to autistic representation, and while I'm at it, I do feel that I have interesting things to say about autistic representation in media generally. This also got a bit long, so I'm sticking it under a read more. Spoilers for up to the end of chapter 88 below.

The thing that stands out most to me in regard to Laios' characterisation is the open anger he displays when someone points out his inability to read other people. This comes up prominently in his interactions with "Shuro" (Toshiro Nakamoto):

The frustration pictured above (Laios continuing to physically tussle with Toshiro, using crude language toward him) becomes even more notable when you remember that this is Laios, who, outside of these interactions, is not easily fazed and often exists as a lighthearted contrast to the rest of the cast. Then we get to Laios' nightmare.

In Falin's words: "Nightmares love emotional wounds. Wounds you hold in your heart. Things that give you stress, or things that were traumatic for you. They aggravate memories like that and cause the dreamer to have terrible dreams." (chapter 42, page 10.) (damn. i'm properly citing for this post and everything.)

Thus, Laios' nightmare establishes an important fact: even if he is unable to recognise social blunders while he's making them, he's at least subconsciously aware that other people operate on a different wavelength to him, and that he's an outsider in many of his social circles (both past and present). His dream-father's disparaging words stress the impact this has had upon his ability to live up to the expectations set out for him, and we also get a panel of kids who smirk at him (presumably former bullies to some degree). Toshiro's appearance only hammers home how much Laios is still both humiliated and angered by his misunderstanding of their relationship.

I've thought a lot about anger as concomitant to the autistic experience. When autistic representation portrays ostracization, it's generally from an angle of the autistic character being upset at how conforming to neurotypical norms doesn't come easily to them; as a result, they express a desire to 'get better' at meeting neurotypical standards, a desire to become more 'normal' (whether the writing implies this is a good thing or not). In contrast, not once does Laios go, "I need to perform better in my social interactions, and try to care less about monsters, because that's what other people find weird." His frustration is directed outward rather than inward, and as a result, it's the people around him who are framed as nonsensical.

The Winged Lion starts delineating Laios' anger, and Laios' reaction is to think to himself, "It can sense all my thoughts, huh?" (chapter 88, page 16.) This is the scene that really resonated with me. I'm not saying I have never felt the desire to conform to neurotypical norms that is borne from insecurity, but primarily, I know that I don't want to work toward becoming 'normal'—I don't want to change myself for people who follow rules I find nonsensical. It's the difference between, "Oh god, why can't I get it," and, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT?" (phrasing here courtesy of my friend Miles @dogwoodbite). And for me personally, Dungeon Meshi is the first time I've seen this frustration and the resultant voluntary isolation from other people portrayed in media so candidly. Laios' anger is not downplayed or written to be easily palatable, either.

The culmination of Laios' frustrations in this scene wherein we learn that Laios has fantasised about "a pack of monsters attacking a village" drives home just how alienated he really feels. I need not go into his wish to become a monster himself, redolent of how many autistic people identify/have identified with non-humans to some degree as a result of a percieved disconnect from society (when I was younger, I wanted to be a robot. I still kind of do.)

Obviously, wishing death upon other people is a weighty thing, but the unfiltered nature of this page is what deeply resonated with me. The Winged Lion is laying Laios' deepest and most transgressive desires bare, and they are desires that are a product of lifelong ostracization by others (whether intentional or unintentional). This is the brand of anger I'm familiar with, and that my neurodivergent friends express being familiar with, but that I haven't seen portrayed in writing so explicitly before—in fact, it surprised me because most well-meaning autistic representation I've experienced veers toward infantilisation in trying make the autistic character's struggles easy for neurotypicals to sympathise with.

Let's also not neglect the symbolism inherent to Laios' daydream. "A pack of monsters attacking a village". Functionally, monsters are Laios' special interest—he percieves everything first and foremost through his passion for monsters. His daydream of monsters attacking—killing—humans, is fundamentally a daydream of the world he understands (monsters) overthrowing the world that is so illogical to him, that has repeatedly shunned him (other people). I joked to my friends that it's an autistic power fantasy, and it actually sort of is. And in it, his identity is aligned with that of the monsters, while his anger manifests in a palpable dissociation from the rest of humanity. This is one manga page. It's brief. It's also very, very raw to me. I think about it often.

To conclude, I love Laios Dungeon Meshi. This portrayal of open frustration in an autistic character meant a lot to me, and I hope I've sufficiently outlined why. Also, feel free to recommend media with autistic representation in the notes if you've read this far—I would really like to see if there is more of this nature. Thank you for reading. I'm very tired and should probably sleep now.