#i reread the whole series and i just feel the need to rewrite everything | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

amyisherenowitsokay · 1 year

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Ooh, another one came to me when I sent the technology one.

In going back and reviewing the original MHNY trilogy plot, story, everything built between characters etc, what did you do? What did you decide to scrap, to keep, or to repurpose? You said you're aiming to branch away from 2 and 3 with something different, and disliked how you kept yourself to following the plot beats of the original first, right?

What does that clean slate look like? What pieces in Re:1 act as the catalyst to those further down in Re:2&3? The largest ones are obvious, (obviously) the big glaring plot changes. Are there more subtle ones? (don't have to say if you want to keep em a secret.)

Or, just, what things thru all three stories made you die inside and scream why did you write that? (I feel like you have a list.)

I'm gonna answer with spoilers because I'm having a good time answering these. These are HEAVY spoilers for the direction of the fic. As Re:MHNY2 is currently aiming at a Spring release date, I feel more lax about it's secrets, but still. If you don't want to know, don't look.

CW// Mentions of sexual themes, explicit themes, the briefest of mentions of non-con as a theme

This is a really fun question in particular, because it was really something I wrestled with just in the conception of this fic series so many months ago, going back and forth with "do I want to do a rewrite? and if I do, knowing I had a second chance, what would I fix?"

I'll fully admit there are people who remember my fics better than I do (I am looking respectfully at @rllybritrlly whenever literally anything about From Your Memory gets brought up). That meant I really needed to reread my original fics to even remember all the details, what I wrote about them, read my cringe tween A/N's, etc. As Re:1 was the baby that started it all, I really wanted to pay as much homage as possible to it. Also, even so many years later, I still liked the overall plot, even if I felt the details could've been better executed, and I could've done without the various problematic themes. I think I've given the lengthy answer before, somewhere, but the short of it is mostly these major points:

I didn't like the weird sexually exploitative relationship between Zim/Gaz with the kissing/touching. Additionally, I knew I could make the inevitable ZAGR kiss way more dramatic if it was roped into the climax instead of just randomly thrown in the mix in problematic ways from the mid-arc. I LOVED writing the kiss in the rewrite, and it was actually one of the first scenes I rewrote, even before officially announcing/confirming the rewrite.

I didn't like Gaz and Dib's relationship. I love cruel, troubled Gaz, but I don't think it benefited the story to make her so constantly dismissive of Dib, to the point where he was sometimes written like an afterthought. I think IZ as a whole benefits from the complex relationships the characters have with one another, and the Re:MHNY series could benefit from developing those changing relationships rather than stagnating on them.

I had no idea when writing the original MHNY that I was ever going to do a sequel, or the direction of the finale. It was originally a one-and-done until I think the second-to-last chapter, when I decided I had more to write, and liked my readership too much to give it all up with a one-hit-wonder. Now that I know where the finale goes, I really wanted the opportunity to drop more lore, hints, and foreshadowing. The biggest example is Tak, whose name I basically borrowed as recognizable since I was too lazy to make a one-off OC, and only after-the-fact found a way to reweave her back into the third installment. Tak's fate is not going to be the same as it was in the original, and also, in the first rewritten fic, we got more insight into her personality. Not a lot, granted, but enough where the reader would be able to notice changes later on.

Discerning readers may have noticed that I kept the same amount of chapters in the rewrite as I did the original. If you compare chapters 1:1, a lot of the bigger themes parallel one another. Gaz is still ensnared by alien parasitic technology in chapter 1 of the rewrite as she was in the original, albeit in much bloodier circumstances. Zim's motorcycle/car chase in the original in chapter 6 is paralleled by the chase in chapter 6's rewrite, even though the circumstances are vastly different. Zim feigning a long-term, committed relationship in chapter 17 of the rewrite is a big nod to the original, in which Zim bartered for Gaz's life on the premise that they were more together than they really were, even with the kissing/touching premise they had with one another. Additionally, the theme of 'Zim hacks the Valkian ship' stays, even if it's once again executed under different circumstances. The details change, yes, but ultimately the Valkians are still slaughtered. That dedication I made towards keeping Re:MHNY1 as 1:1 as possible was a fun challenge in its way, but it's not going to happen in the sequels.

Regarding Re:mhny2 and Re:mhny3, I will only be borrowing the most basic of premises. As announced earlier this year, Iggins is still in the next fic. However, his differences are major, and a closely guarded secret I have only really shared with I think my internet bestie and my boyfriend. Again, anyone not looking for spoilers may want to skip this ask.

Some sneaky secrets are how I left whether or not Gaz went back to finish the tournament ambiguous. Additionally, that unlike the finale of the original MHNY, Gaz and Dib do not ever have another 'on-screen' discussion after she's rescued. Zim and Dib do, yes, but Gaz and Dib do not. There's a joke in Ch 20 about Zim showing up in his living room with cocoa, but the nature of any sibling conversations, if any even occurred, are also left deliberately absent and/or ambiguous. It's noted that they spent the majority of the aftermath resting, and really not a lot else. The most screen time Dib gets is being thrown out of the operating room in the flashback.

Unlike the original, where Tak was originally just used as a throwaway name-drop when I was too lazy to make an Irken OC or find another way to justify why someone might call to warn Zim about the Valkians, or even know who he was, I currently know Tak's fate in the rewrite, and I knew it when I wrote it, too, which means I got to sneak in that little ominous line of the Tallest when hearing her report in Ch 20.

“Now,” he said, doing his best to shrug off the strain of morning. “Go get that she-Irk again.”

A discerning reader might also have noticed Professor Membrane is not brought home, and never told what actually happened. Aside from some angsty pining from the Membrane siblings, his personal involvement ends when Dib abandons him at his conference and comes home for Gaz. That being said, there's also an interesting few paragraphs that have been brought up and pointed out to me individually before on Discord, and that other readers may have picked up on as well from Ch 18 that are going to be important to the sequels.

She hated this. She hated hiding herself behind veils of cynical wit and aloofness just to survive—to barely endure while she festered inside. She hated her father, drilling into her how uncomfortable people could be around her. That scaring people was wrong. That friends and admiration from peers were so very important. Don’t be angry, Gazlene. Be motivated! Don’t be frightened of change! Embrace it!

Zim had never demanded change. Zim had only ever ripped out the honesty, the worst parts of Gaz that she had buried under years of practiced apathy, and embraced them with open fascination. Sick. Accepting. Conniving.

You killed an Elite, his voice whispered, a caress on trembling limbs.

She had. She remembered every vivid detail like a flash bomb. The fear. The rage. The burning resentment. The same theme over and over. That she never should’ve been there. She never should’ve been here . That something had tried to take her life over nothing . That she had every right to fear for her life.

The flashbacks that left her breathless. The fear, genuine, and yet underlied with something she dared not admit to even herself. Years of her fathers conditioning cushioning the awful truth of his daughter. She was just a teenage girl—once a child—who should never have been formed this way.

His son had inherited his father’s bravery and passion to learn, and twisted it into a dangerous recklessness. A need for pursuit and answers at all costs.

His daughter had inherited her father’s calculating practicality, and it had mutated into a vicious willingness to do the very worst thing for the necessary reason.

You killed an Elite, she heard once more.

But this time, a loathsome truth followed.

And you want to do it again.

As trademark as Gaz's viciousness is throughout the IZ series in general, and in this fic, her strict restraint being pinned on her father's discipline may seem out of place with only this fic to go off of. While it can definitely be read as a standalone, it does (deliberately) give the reader pause. Professor Membrane praises Gaz in the series for being his favorite child, not for being a menace to society as a whole, so where's this coming from? Why are Zim and Professor Membrane playing devil-and-angel-on-her-shoulder in her (concussed) brain? And notably, if that's their assigned role, where Membrane is the voice of restraint, and Zim the voice of rationality, then it should be noted that Zim's voice won. This should leave you asking why that is, and if that's always going to be the case.

A funner teaser is some foreshadowing I dropped throughout the story about what mating is going to look like in this fic. I wrote a lot of what I wrote about sex, love, and marriage under a heavy veil of religious indoctrination, which distorted and I think damaged the potential creativity of my writing. Virginity-cultural stigma somehow shoe-horned its way into my fic, and I don't really want that to happen again, which means there's going to be a lot more lewd scenes leading up to a sexual relationship. We're not just gonna have our characters go from making out to full penetrative sex. That's skipping quite a few bases. I've expanded behind the scenes a lot more information about Irken culture/mating, and while penetrative sex has been established as off-limits until such a time as our two heroes may deign to bind themselves to one another for eternity, I am not going to leave you hanging in the meantime. Some hints however about what mating looks like in the rewrite have been dropped, such as this nibble in Ch 9.

As he'd briefly gone over with the human girl, irken rituals of courtship were far different than any found on Earth. There was no religious entity or documentation, and the ceremony required complete isolation for at least three days.

and

He could never have that with Gaz. For one thing, she had no PAK. Well, she did, but it didn't actually count. Any attempt to encode the PAK was pointless, and furthermore, the PAK wasn't integrated to her brain the way it was to Zim's, or any other Irken's. It held no influence, and no significance to her decisions. While Zim's PAK may bind him for eternity, the human wouldn't be bound by anything other than the whims of her fleeting, mortal affection.

I outright name the ceremony in Re:mhny2, and also plan on further establishing teasers here and there about what's in store.

Skoodge is also a big teaser in himself! Skoodge is a competent invader and a traitor to the Empire, whom Zim has explicitly expressed allyship towards. He is definitely going to be important later on.

Regarding what a clean slate looks like for the sequels, I'll go ahead and name some big ones off the bat. Again, spoilers.

In Re:mhny2, Iggins is ultimately the antagonist, but whether or not he's the or even a villain is going to be something I look forward to watching readers debate about. That's what I mean by clean slate. Iggins was inarguably the bad guy and a major shithead in the original sequel. In the rewrite, Iggins may be a shithead, but what I really disliked about the original was how one-dimensional he was. Additionally, I think it's a more interesting story not for the protagonists to overcome the antagonist in a linear journey, but for the antagonist to grab the protag's by the neck and drag them into the mud with them. What if the hero's journey isn't upward, but one where simply keeping afloat equates success? What if not drowning is the victory? Metaphorically speaking, Re:mhny2 is going to start with fearless characters and end with characters who never look at the ocean the same way again, and are wizened for it.

Whereas the original was just kind of 'watch these characters be badass and mercilessly inflict pain on a bad guy' Re:mhny2 is basically going to be a lot of character self-reflection. I love the IZ characters for their flaws, but we're not going to get real, raw growth out of them if they're not forced to take on their own misdeeds and mistakes by metaphorical knifepoint. Re:mhny2 is going to be about them and the knife. And by them, I mean all 3 of the main cast, plus Iggins.

Re:mhny3 is similar. I'm excited to write about Iggins, but I am ecstatic to get another shot about a Zim-pocalypse. Enter the Florpus gave me so much new source material about what Zim successfully taking over the Earth, even for a short while, would look like, and I'm grateful for its contributions to the finale's development. Zim is still going to take over the Earth. Why, how, and under what circumstances is drastically different, and since its release is much farther out than the sequel, I will restrain myself to only give you this single, but eye-opening question when I talk about major, complete deviations from the plot. I have always regretted my impatience with MHNY3 for many things, but mostly one:

Wouldn't it have been a much more interesting story if Gaz really didn't know what was going on?

I'll just leave that thereeeeee.

For your last question, and one that makes me laugh to even look at, I do have a mental list. I'm pretty sure this'll be the first time I've ever written it down though.

Here are my top ten cringe moments from the original series as a whole, from cringiest to least:

The entirety of every sex scene I ever wrote

Ever writing the phrase "And they hadn't even done anything yet!" during a sex scene -- this is so ingrained in my cringe that I can, even now, tell you exactly where it is in the fic, the context, and wrote it without even needing to reference the phrasing

Implying Iggins would SA Gaz while she was under his thrall, and incapable of consenting (for concerned readers, non-con is not going to pop up in my stories again, and I apologize in hindsight for any discomfort caused)

Zim and Gaz's sexually transactional relationship, especially while Gaz was 14

Gaz getting married when she was only 18 (Gaz is already going to be 18 in the sequel, and will probably be in here early-to-mid twenties in the finale)

Dib being used as a punching bag for Zim and Gaz to be cruel to for cheap gags

Making the Tallests simps for Zim for really no reason other than that I was a simp for Zim and wanted to give him nice things lmao

Tak just sort of popping up out of nowhere as a maid, and blatantly borrowing the themes of servants being 'furniture' from the anime When Seagulls Cry/Umineko

That fucking weird ass segment where I had Gaz have prophetic nightmares (?) in the third one, and wander around a castle like some sort of haunted Victorian child. Really the whole castle scenes themselves were cringe. Get rid of the castle. Wipe it from your minds.

Making Gaz and Zim essentially infallible, unbeatable, and just boring in how completely dominant they inevitably were to any problem that arose. It just sucked the tension out of every situation because I got too bored or impatient with scenes that otherwise could've been much more interesting than they were.

This ended up a lot longer than I anticipated, but I hope I answered everything sufficiently!

#amyisherenowansweringyou #iz #iz headcanons #long post #very long #much answer #zim #gaz #ravenfollower13 #invader zim #fanfiction #zagr #ao3 #re:mhny series #re:mhny #re:mhny2 #re:mhny3 #ask me a question and i shall write you a novel

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chayscribbles · 2 years

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chayscribbles’ monthly writing update ☆ november 2022

☆ STATISTICS.

words written: 9835 drafting; 17606 redrafting/editing

projects worked on: Andromeda Rogue, Andromeda Rising

proudest accomplishment: i published my first art zine! oh and finishing the first draft of AR3 is also a thing that happened

books read: Memoria by Kristyn Merbeth; Cinder by Marissa Meyer, A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine

☆ GENERAL COMMENTS.

(book comments first: Memoria (the sequel to Fortuna, which i read a few weeks ago) was MUCH better imo than the first, 4.5 stars. Cinder was very enjoyable but i do feel like i am simply getting too old for YA and would have liked it better if i had read it a few years ago, 4 stars. A Memory certainly wasn't bad, but in the end it fell a bit flat for me, 3 stars.)

this month has been Very Weird. within the span of like 3 days a lot of things happened, including finishing AR3 and other Personal Stuff that resulted in me suddenly having a lot of free time on my hands that i did not know what to do with. but everything ended up working out! and a lot of that free time went to working on my wip.

i had thought that after finishing AR3 i'd work on one of my lower-effort sidewips, or work on other hobbies like drawing, but the motivation for those things just... didn't manifest itself? (also the Secret Space WIP, has become bigger than i thought it would, and i felt it would require more commitment than i am currently willing to give it)

anyways i just ended up going right back to AR kjdfgkjfds whoops

more specific wip-related comments + featured excerpt below.

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA RISING (finishing the draft)

did i really finish this draft this month? it feels like forever ago jkfdjk

so my unofficial NaNo goal was to finish AR3. i had originally estimated it would take 15k, and then adjusted it to 10k. i didn't quite make the 10k either but i DID finish the draft, so that's still a win. to me.

this draft turned out way shorter than i had hoped... and there's a LOT that needs to be fixed, and i'm not completely satisfied with how it turned out. but i really was at the point where i had to just get through it to call it done otherwise i never would, so thank fuck that's over with.

(trying not to think about how much needs to be fixed yet. gritting my teeth.)

☆ COMMENTS: ANDROMEDA ROGUE (draft... 2!!!!)

so i had this whole plan of letting the entire series rest, then rereading, reoutlining, reworking some plot, character and worldbuilding stuff, and only starting draft 2 in 2023... and then i got impatient lmao.

i was somewhere in the reoutlining stage about a week after finishing AR3 when i realized it felt like i was wasting my time. not much of the main structure of this book is gonna change, so i was pretty much just rewriting the exact same outline i already had. (i plantsed through draft 1 but made a reverse outline as i was writing.) most of the changes are adding or changing certain details to scenes and no amount of planning was gonna help any more than just writing out the changes. so, on the 18th, i started draft 2.

(besides, it's not like i didn't let AR1 rest. i finished it in june 2021 after all.)

i also had a bunch of editing notes from when i was drafting, + stuff i thought about later while writing the sequels on how to better set things up, + notes taken during my reread. so i ended up just annotating the hell out of my first draft to show where i would add or change things, and then i put the old draft on one side of the screen and a new doc on the other side and started rewriting it to include the changes.

i've gone through about 5 chapters and added an epilogue so far! it's going pretty fast haha. i've already added over 2000 words just by fleshing things out a bit more, now that i know my characters and the world much better than when i started. it's SO much easier now that i have the entire series in front of me.

chapter 5 is where i've been slowed down as there is a considerable amount of stuff that needed to be rewritten completely-- it's quite exposition-heavy (it's the scene where Petra gets a rundown of her xenobotany mission), and when i first wrote it, i wasn't exactly sure where i was going with the story. and even though i now have a fuller picture in front of me, it's always hard to write an exposition-heavy chapter and include everything that needs to be said without making it drag. not to mention, foreshadowing and setting things up appropriately.

right now, i'm taking a quick break from redrafting to iron out some of the political backdrop of the story. not only did i need to rest after wrestling with chapter 5, but i was disappointed reading A Memory Called Empire, which was supposed to be a political intrigue, and it was one heck of a motivator to try to make the politics in my book better haha.

☆ FEATURED EXCERPT.

very short passage i added to AR1 to further demonstrate how much of a nerd Petra really is.

“Petra,” Dr. Derosy said, “you did your thesis on vitaplants. Would you mind giving us a brief definition?” Petra coughed and sat up straighter in her chair. “Vitaplants are a category of plants that boost the growth and health of other living organisms around them, specifically through the emission of vitawaves," she said. "Vitaplants have been found to have evolved independently on multiple planets around the sector and are not confined to a single genus, which has confounded taxonomists—"

“Thank you, Petra. I did say brief.”

☆ TAGLISTS. let me know if you want to be added/removed to either.

general taglist:

@nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @stormharbors @quilloftheclouds @ashen-crest @writeblrfantasy @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @extra-magichours @avi-why @lefttigerobservation @chazzawrites @bardolatrycore

andromeda trilogy taglist:

@bebewrites @nicola-writes @dgwriteblr @the-orangeauthor @stormharbors @akindofmagictoo @quilloftheclouds @nora-theteawriter @ashen-crest @corpsepng @writeblrfantasy @toboldlywrite @celestepens @stardustspiral @pepperdee @cheerfulmelancholies @extra-magichours @writeouswriter @cilly-the-writer @lefttigerobservation @rose-bookblood @drowsy-quill @chazzawrites @cynic-and-chief @enchanted-lightning-aes @aesa

#chayscribbles writing update #wip andromeda trilogy #wip andromeda rogue #wip andromeda rising #this one got a bit lengthy sorry kjdfjk

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doevademe · 2 years

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Now that I think about it. What would it be like? A PJO and HoO series in 2022 ? (cause let's be honest, the premise I'm gonna propose would never happen in the 2000s) the difference being that Nico is closer to Percy's age, he's still saved by him, still falls for him, gets to know each other better and become friends, Percy gets to realise he's attracted to boys too (specifically one devoted and sarcastic friend of his), Nico learns that even if Percy's brave and loyal (and dreamy) he's not perfect but still loves him with all his shortcomings, I imagine that here Nico deals better with Bianca's death, he's overall less traumatized than canon because this time around he's older and has a true friend in Percy (not that guilt filled bond they got in canon) he's still angry and sad and grieving but he's not alone in that, instead of this turning them against each other like attended in canon, it unites them and .... I'm rambling and saying too much on your own blog, but I really love your work and your vision of the characters so i really want your input on this, of you will 😅

I think what I amtrying to say is, I want to know what a relationship between Percy and Nico would look like if Nico was put in Annabeth's place as love interest? I don't like percabeth's dynamic, seems a good one between best friends but not as a couple, too mean spirited, whereas with Percico I think would be softer, cuter, fluffier even. Percy is caring and Nico loving and would actually blossom quicker I think than percabeth and putting them through Bianca's death, the great prophecy, Percy's disappearence, Tartarus ..etc would come up even angstier and heartwrecking! Do you see the missed opportunities, the potential, it just.....why isn't THAT the canon 😭 and I m sorry I ended up writing more 🙊

I hope you don't mind me saving your first ask (the prompt) for later, as I need to do some thinking and rereading for that one.

Like, I'm of two minds when it comes to Percy and Nico's canon relationship. On the one hand, I love how tempestous and filled with emotion it is. The reason it was so easy for Riordan to write Nico's feelings for Percy is because their relationship has always been portrayed as them being there for each other. When Nico is in danger, it is always Percy who worries and goes after him, and when Percy needs help, it's Nico who leaves everything behind for him. Their relationship is just perfect as is, except for the fact that it can't be romantic unless it's unrequited. Having them closer in age for me changes nothing, because what makes them work as a couple is not impeded by their age difference, but rather by authorial intent.

Nico is a plot device for Riordan. He knows or finds out about things because there needs to be someone to tell Percy, and Chiron, Annabeth, and the Olympians are perfectly happy keeping quiet. He gave Nico all the cool powers so he could gather info for Percy, and a penchant to help him when he needs it most, and then told everyone that it was just because he had a passing fancy on Percy and that his true love is the guy he never mentioned or noticed until the last book. That's a cop-out if I've ever seen one.

The issue with that intent is that Percy and Nico's interactions are just interesting to read and enjoyable. They talk and the scene becomes just about them. Annabeth and Rachel (Percy's actual love interests) stop existing for a while in BotL because Nico needs to talk about belonging. They can have a talk where the world is at stake, where they scare campers for fun, or where they talk about christmas gift shopping and it's the most enrapturing thing ever.

I mean, I already wrote a whole fic about rewriting PJO and HOO with Nico as Percy's love interest, so I think that answers your question of how I would do it, but writing them as a couple far earlier in the story requires more thought, because quite frankly, Nico and Percy are full of flaws and could easily make each other worse because of them. Nico expects Percy to read him like a book while also trying to keep his feelings hidden from him, and Percy expects Nico to just tell him stuff without having to ask and refuses to see hints. A healthy version of Percico while they are young can exist, and they'd be really happy, but it requires a lot of communication and maybe outside help.

That would make for a fantastic story in itself, because a Percy that loves Nico from the start would definitely get together with him as early as Battle of the Labyrinth, but to maintain that relationship and keep it healthy? They'd both have to grow a ton, and that's conflict, which makes for a good story.

#Percico #long post #analysis #I just... love these two so much #it's okay if you want to rant about them too #I'm right with ya

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mountymase · 1 year

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OMFG CHAPTER SIX PART ONE????? Girl it was so good!!! so so so sweet and ugh. just melted my heart and made me feel all fuzzy i NEED moreee 🥹🫶 the family interactions melt my heart and i am so excited to see yns & masons relationships with each others familys develop along with their own 💞 but this new oliver guy…. he better watch his back im not letting anything come in between yn and mason and their chances of becoming a cute family for real🤺🤺 but i am looking forward to the possible angst 👀 im just so obsessed with this series!! their whole not-yet-family dynamic is so cute and lily’s relationship w her new family is so so so sweet and heartwarming and you capture it so well in ur writing!!! like fr youre giving me baby fever 🥲

and i know you said you wanted feedback and im not sure if you’re looking for constructive criticism and if not then just ignore this and not post it: the entire chapter was so well written and i loved every part of it! and i really hope you don’t think im being mean or anything because i think you’re a great writer and literally one of my favourites on here and i know you get pressured by a lot of other anons on here to post the next chapters asap so ik its not your fault but some parts felt a little bit rushed?? you probably felt pressured to push out as much of the next part asap so i completely understand bc i know how ruthless some people on here could be and this chapter was still wonderful of course and ive reread this part like 5 times since last night lmfao but i think what would make the series better/improve your writing is if you made each scenario a little bit more detailed? meeting masons parents for example felt a little bit rushed as there wasnt much detail about what exactly happened when mason explained everything and i would’ve appreciated more detail into how his parents reacted to everything he said and how that affected yn??? you have so much potential and are already so good at writing but i think if you slowed down a little bit, the whole story would be sm better (not that its bad rn, bc im obsessed with it regardless) i really hope im not being rude or hypercritical because that’s not my intention at all, i just think you have so much potential and i would love to see u reach that w this series <33 oh god this is a lot of words but basically i think you should slow down with the series and put as much detail as u can into each scenario (if you want to/are up for it ofc, because its still great as it is rn) because i honestly think this series and you as a writer have so much potential and i want to see u become an even better one w this series bc i LOVE the plot and all ur work. again, i love u i hope im not being a bitch or mean or too demanding but i think to make the series better u should slow down and like. kinda savour each scenario?? because personally i would love more detail to fuel my delusions LOL and i know its hard because of how much pressure anons put u under so if u think its easier to continue as is and forget about this anon then that’s completely fine too <3 im still gonna read each chapter over and over again anyway 😌🫶 but yea this chapter was 10/10 and really sweet and i am so excited for the next part and i really hope youre not taking this as me being mean, im just suggesting areas u can improve on but i dont want to be hypercritical at all and i dont want to make u feel bad bc i love u and think ur great and this is getting too long now lol ok love u bye

This. This is how you share constructive criticism and people should learn from you!

First, I wanna thank you for reading my story. Means a lot, and I’m really happy you’re enjoying it!

Yes, it was rushed, I think it has to do with how little I’ve been able to focus on it over the past week and how hard it is for me to write family interactions considering my experience with my own family has always been so fucking toxic I don’t know much what a healthy dynamic is like. I tend to rewrite Mason and Lily a lot because I’m never fully happy with their dynamic. But I was thinking of writing individual interactions? Like, Y/N getting closer to his parents and eventually telling them how she felt? I have some ideas for the next chapter and I think that’d fit and I’d love to know your thoughts on it if you’d like to DM me? ♥️

Thank you, again! ♥️♥️♥️

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clevercatchphrase · 1 year

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2022 Year In Review~

Hey Hi Hello! It’s that time of year again! It’s time to sit down and look back on the year, dig up my list of resolutions and see what I accomplished, and what I didn’t. The first half of 2022 seemed to drag on painfully slowly, but these last six months felt like they flew by. Maybe it’s because I’m anxious and distracted all the time now, idk. Anyway, I don’t have a lot of preamble for this year compared to last, so let’s just jump on into reviewing my goals for the year and go over them one by one!

This year I had 10 goals. They were as follows;

Read 12 New Books on anything (1 book a month)

Finish and rewrite my 2021 NaNoWriMo project

Finish chapters 4 thorugh 8 of/and edit Clemency (2020‘s NaNoWriMo project)

Finish scripting the Waterfall Arc of Ghost Switch (and then maybe the Hotland Arc, but not the whole thing. I just know I can’t get that far yet)

Build a Comic Buffer for Ghost Switch

Reach 208 Pages of Ghost Switch by June 18th

Finish 1 Song Comic

Finish 4 one shots

Find a sulfate-free bodywash and hand soap.

Write that one crack fic.

Just reading over this list again, I know I didn’t even successfully complete half of these. Hell, I think it would be a stretch for me to say I completed 4. Anyway, going into these goals one at a time, let me start with-

1)Read 12 new books

I did this! In fact, I almost read DOUBLE that amount! (I was 1 book shy of 24!) though I will admit I’m fudging one of the books on this list, because I know I’ve read it before, but it had been several years since my last read of it, so I was rereading it again. The books I read this year, in roughly this order where;

Hate That Cat

Foxes of Firstdark

Wind in the Willows

David and the Pheonix

The Power of Habit

The Flames of Hope

The Black Gryphon

The White Gryphon

The Silver Gryphon

The gryphon Generation

The Green Dragon Codex

Guardian of the Gryphons

Gryphon Generation 2: A New Era

Owlsight

Owlflight

Owlknight

Gryphon Generation 3: Colony

Griffin ranger: Crossline Plains

Griffin Ranger 2: Monster Lands

The Rise of the Dragon Star

The Starward Light, and lastly

The Gold Dragon Codex

The Gryphon Chronicles; The Lost Heir

Now let me review each of the books I read in overly simplified, very short recaps that barely explain how I feel towards them in any sort of coherent manner~

1) Hate that Cat

I remember LOVING Love That Dog when I first read it in middle school. It had a bit of a slow start, but then when everything gets connected at the end, and you realize this is a story about a kid processing his grief over his dead pet that spans MONTHS, it suddenly hits you all at once. I remember seeing this sequel in Barnes and Noble for years, but never bothering to pick it up. Then, one day out of curiosity, I searched it on youtube and found a teacher doing a read along to Hate That Cat for her class (it was a pandemic video). I listened along, and it was alright~ Not as touching as Love That Dog, but you do learn that the boy’s Mother is deaf, which I thought was neat (though him wondering what it was like to live in a world of silence felt out of place. Why wouldn’t he just ask his mom? Had the thought never occurred to him before? It was kinda weird).

2) Foxes of First Dark

I need to confess- I own this book and have read it years ago, but it’s been close to, if not over a decade since I last read it, so I read it again this year. I was surprised by how much I remembered, honestly, but it was a decent read I think you should check out if you like foxes and/or xenofiction.

3) Wind in the Willows

I have another confession to make. For my entire life I thought the children’s series “Frog and Toad” were a part of The Wind in the Willows. It was not until I listened to this audio book that I realized they were different properties. I kept waiting for frog to show up and he never did. I was so confused and then so embarrassed when I realized my life was a lie. ANYWAY, did you know there is this PHENOMINAL youtube channel/organization called Librivox that read and record audio books for free? There is one catch- every book they do is in the public domain, meaning all their work is pretty much volunteer based. They’ve got an IMPRESSIVE catalogue, though, and if you do some digging, you’ll probably find something you like! I “read” Wind in the Willows this way, and it was a nice way to chew up time on my daily commute to work and back. The voice for this audiobook was so good and soothing, even though I found this book utterly boring and even offensive and spots. Yeah, sorry classic lit fans, I didn’t like this one. I kept waiting for it to get interesting and it never did. The only part I liked was when mole and rat looked for the lost otter child and met pan. That was cool, but everything else annoyed me to no end.

4) David and the Phoenix

Another book I read through librivox! David and the phoenix is a cute little children’s tale that isn’t too challenging or deep. It’s an okay, middle of the road story for kids. But the audiobook?? Fucking trash. I don’t know what standards the librivox people have if any, but the reader for this book was so monotone and stumbled over his words constantly, making this a chore to listen too. Also, I’m pretty sure this dude had a kid in the room at some points, because they would NOT STOP COUGHING IN THE BACKGROUND. It frustrated and even grossed me out at points. Come on, show a little more professionalism, please!

5) The Power of Habit

I remember a time back in 2016 or 2017 it seems, when EVERY youtuber on the planet had an audible sponsor, and EVERY book they suggested was the power of habit. I stumbled across an illegal audiobook of this book on youtube as well, with a text-to-speech narrator, and my god.. this book is so bad???? I was kinda into it for the first third, learning about habit loops and how to form them and how to break them, but then the book’s ideals and tone shifts about 33% in, and started focusing on how habits can be used to manipulate and persuade consumers into buying products, or get them hooked on certain music, and…. It’s fucking horrifying?? The book portrays this as something positive, but as someone who is very nervous about spending money it sounded so diabolical. Each chapter the book just got worse and worse, skewing research and data to fit its narrative that the entire universe is controlled by habits. Example; they spend quite a bit of time talking about Michael Phelps, the swimming Olympian, and his daily habits. The book so desperately wants you to assume that the only reason he’s a gold metal champion is because of his habits, and it has nothing to do with his freakish anatomy which gives him a physical advantage. They mention it in one sentence, then never bring it up. It’s like… it’s like they want you to think none of the other Olympic swimmers ever win because they don’t have habits as good as his, instead of their physical limitations of their body. At one point, I thought to myself “jesus, this book is going to say the only reason the allies won WW2 is because we had better military habits, and not the fact that we dropped a fucking nuke on japan”.

And then it happened. Near the very end, this book had the audacity to bring up the civil rights movement and imply that the ONLY reason blacks protested was because of social pressure and habits, and not the fact that we were sick of being treated as subhuman. The book even ADMITS that habits were not the reason the civil rights act passed, but tries to brush this under the rug. I was so fucking angry, I went to the amazon reviews to read the 1 stars, and found a quote that perfectly encapsulates this whole book; “When you have a hammer as your only solution, every problem becomes a nail”. This is exactly what this book is, desperately trying to twist any moral failing of yours into the fault of your bad habits. Once I learned the habit loop strategies, I used it to improve some of my own, like drinking more water, and fixing my sleep schedule, but you don’t need to buy or read this book to be able to do that. If you think you need to improve your own habits, avoid this book and just research “the habit loop” on google. It will save you time, money and anger.

6) The Flames of Hope

This is the last book in the third arc of the Wings of Fire series. I am not sure yet if it is the last book over all for this series, or if Tui T Sutherland plans to write more. I actually read this book day of release. I had errands to run that april morning, and last on my list was to stop by a target. I did so, found the book, then went to their garden and lawn furniture section, then, for the next 4 hours I proceeded to read the book cover to cover in the store. No one came up to me or stopped me or talked to me in that entire time. It was kind of surreal. I also remember being super tired that day, not having slept well the night before, so I could have just been out of it.

I didn’t like this book. I felt that there were too many characters, and none were given enough screen time. I didn’t like how the main characters were “invisiable” for half the book, but that never really pushed the plot forward. I absolutely HATED the mindscape sections and how little sense it made. I had such a hard time visualizing the space and how the POV characters were able to “see” or move about the area. It dragged on for so long with nothing exciting happening, and the ending felt so rushed. I don’t know if I dislike Flames or Gift more, but these last two books in this series were just so disappointing, it really dragged down the whole third arc for me.

7, 8, &9) The Black, White, and Silver Gryphon (The mage wars trilogy)

I’m still on my gryphon-kick from last year, trying to read more books featuring them. This series by mercedes lackey was pretty okay~ I think I honestly liked the second book best, then the first, then the third. I liked the gryphon POVs, but was kind of disappointed that a lot of the first and second book to place in stationary locations, like a war camp or a castle. I wish I could have seen the gryphons in action more, exploring the world, if that makes sense. I really didn’t like the third book at all. I was excited to read about two friends going to an out post and surviving for six months, but then it just turned into a road-trip like story where they have to avoid one type of enemy, and it really let me down. It’s weird because you’d think I’d like this book the most, since the characters are traveling through an untamed forest, but when the one with wings is grounded, it gets very boring very quickly.

10, 11, &12) Owlflight, Owlsight, Owlknight

Another series by Mercedes lackey. I accidentally read this series out of order, unbeknownst to me. I read the second book first, then the first, then the third. I didn’t really like any of them. The first book I would describe as a child’s wish fulfillment. Darian spends the first half moping and complaining, and then gets everything he could ever want in the second half. The second book I would describe as “Things Going Well,” because there was literally no conflict that Keesha or Darian can’t immediately wave away until the very end and that gets resolved super quick as well. The third book was the best, but still not as engaging as any of the gryphon books were. I don’t like any of these characters nor care about any of their problems. The owls in these books, for which the series is named after, aren’t even major characters or play a major role in any of them! False advertising!

13, 14, &15) The gryphon Generation, New Era, and Colony

These books were bad, but not as bad as “Eyrie” which I read last year. (I tried reading the second book, “Ashen weld”, and could not finish. Probably the only time I couldn’t finish a book out of spite because it was so boring). The characters have a bit more zest to them, but the plot and world building are weak and nonsensical. I swear the gryphons are just a substitute for people of color in this novel, and the conflicts are cartoonishly blown out of proportion. Thyra, your main character, is one of the oldest gryphons in existence, at the grand age of 19 years. So human society as a whole has only known about gryphons for less than 2 decades. How on earth does the sport of gryph ball become a world wide phenomenon in under 20 years. How on earth is thyra, one of the first of her kind, allowed to roam the world free of constant observation or escorting from the scientists who made her? How did she integrate so quickly and easily into human society to be left to her own devices? The very fundamentals of this world do not make sense, which makes the rest of the book difficult to read. I read the two sequels as well, “new era” and “colony”, but it never gets better. There is a fourth book out now, but I doubt I will read it. The message at the end of the third book seemed to say that “eradicating the human race is okay, actually,” and Idk how to feel about that, honestly.

16 & 17) The green dragon codex and the gold dragon codex

After reading so many mediocre/bad gryphon books, I decided to retreat back to something I knew I would like more. 2 years ago I went on a book buying spree and bought a lot of dragon books of off amazon. One series was one I started as a child and never finished, called the dragon codex series, or something. It’s based off of D&D, and their classes and what not. While I enjoyed the first book as a kid, finally reading all the others made me realize that this series is never truly about the dragons, but rather the human characters which I found to be a huge disappointment. I also noticed a trend where the dragons will always shapeshift into a human, which was a damper for me. I didn’t like the green dragon codex. It wasn’t even about the green dragon, and in the end, the green dragon (which are inherently evil) becomes a metallic dragon (which are inherently good) because someone believed he could be good. Why can’t he be good and green? Why can chromatic dragons ONLY be evil, and if you are good, you MUST be a metallic dragon instead? I would have been over the moon if a green dragon could be raised to be good, but forcing this dichotomy sends the message that “evil can never change, and if you become good, that means there was good in you all along.” How does the saying go… is it not more valiant to triumph over your evil nature and rise from the bottom, than to have always been good in the first place? I can’t think straight right now, but I hope my thought still manages to come across..

The gold dragon codex was a bit better, but still very shallow. I honestly have nothing to say, as there isn’t much there in these books to talk about. None of them are deep or thought provoking, but I can see how kids and enjoy them, and I’m glad I finally read the entire series. I did a bit of research and learned there were supposed to be a couple more books released, but never got made due to contracts and publishers expiring and what not, but the author decided to write her own series with no restraints, so maybe I can find these books and get something new out of them now that they don’t have to work within the limits of the publishers. We’ll see what happens~

18) Guardian of the Gryphons

This book was bad. All the ideas are surface level at best and never explored in any meaningful way. The way the death of the parents is relayed was hilarious. Don’t read it. Don’t even bother.

19&20) Griffin Ranger: Crossline Plains and Griffin Ranger: Monsterlands

*Gordon Ramsay Voice* “Finally, some good fucking fiction.” These two books were INCREDIBLE. I read the first one online and was immediately hooked, I could barely put it down. It’s been years since a book has done that to me. The descriptions, the imagery, and the world building were top notch. This writer clearly knew what they were doing. As soon as I finished, I went out and bought the first two books. The best way I can describe the first book would be “western noir thriller”, while the second one is a dark suspenseful, borderline horror story. I know there is a third book out already, but much like these two, it seems to be the first half of a duology, and the 2nd (4th?) book isn’t out yet, so I don’t want to read it yet and be left on a cliffhanger. This book is about a parallel earth without humans, where anthropromorphic animals rule, including Lions, Wolves, Dogs, Ringtailed Cats, Parrots, and Griffins. It’s great furry literature and xenofiction. The second book takes place in our world, and it is one of the darkest, most suspenseful things I’ve ever read, and it really forced me to love characters I initially hated in the first book. I hope the author finishes book 4 soon. I don’t want to give anything away. Please go read it if you like griffins or xenofiction, you won’t be disappointed!

21) Rise of the Dragon Star

This book is the first in a new series by author Jess E. Owen, who wrote the summerking chronicles, and partially the reason I got interested in literature about gryphons. It was nice to return to this world of wolves, dragons, gryfons and lions, but I have to be honest, so far it’s not as good as Summerking was. I couldn’t help but feel like I saw more typos and grammar errors than the first series, which is a shame because the editing in the first series was virtually flawless from what I remember. I’ll continue reading whenever the second book comes out, but I’m not dying for it to be released like I am for griffin ranger. Again, an average fantasy romp for kids and mythology fans, but so far nothing deeper than that.

22) The Starward Light

This book is also by Jess E Owen and is a collection of short stories set in her world. I enjoyed this book! It was a great collection of character studies for some of those with more minor roles, which always helps to flesh out the world~ I can’t say anything much more than that. There is no grand plot, or overarching story, but if you liked the Summerking Chronicles, you’ll enjoy this one as well~

23) The Gryphon Chronicles; The Lost Heir

OH! I almost forgot this one! I actually read this book waaaay back at the beginning of the year. Probably the first or second on my gryphon kick. It’s alright. Not that deep or challenging. In all honesty I was kind of bored for the first 2/3rds. Perfectly serviceable children’s literature, but not really about gryphons. There IS one in the story, but he doesn’t become important until the very end. It’s more focused on an orphan human boy, and we’ve been there, done that in so many other stories, I was kind of checked out.

Aaaand that wraps it up for the books I’ve read! That is one resolution down, nine more to talk about! Next on my list was;

2) Finish and rewrite my 2021 Nanowrimo project.

I didn’t exactly do this. The first draft was a jumbled mess, and didn’t make sense and all the scenes and chapters didn’t connect and the whole thing was riddled with plot holes. This year I made a much more detailed outline, and even took this up again as my nanowrimo project for 2022 and rewrote its second draft. It’s much more coherent now, but still I didn’t I finish it. Hopefully for 2023?

3) Finish chapters 4 through 8 of Clemency, edit and post them.

Didn’t do this one at all. Clemency might just end up being a story where I only post one chapter a year, which may offer a unique reading experience if you follow along as it’s being updated, but I can also understand why it would be infuriating or frustrating or annoying or not fun to read that way. I do want to finish Clemency one day, but it’s also not a story I want to rush, you know? So far, I think it’s one of the most introspective stories I’ve written, and I want to do my best to write it right. So, if you are waiting for Clemency to update, sorry it’s taking so long, but thank you for your patience~

4) Build a comic buffer.

I… can’t remember if I did this. At the time of writing, I am preparing to do this, as I am about to host a patreon-only stream to celebrate the end of the year, but I can’t recall a time I had more than three pages ready in reserve. I think if I ever did have a buffer, it never lasted long. I hope to change that next year, and I’m doing my best by trying to get at least 8 pages made in advance~

5) Reach 208 pages by Ghost Switch’s 4th birthday

I did this! Right in the middle of a memory! Proud of myself for maintaining an average of 1 page a week over these last 4 years. Now I gotta get to 312 before Ghost Switch’s 6th birthday in 2024~

6) Finish Scripting the Waterfall Arc of Ghost Switch

I.. didn’t do this. I made significant progress for sure, but… I’ve been putting it off for months, now. And the sad thing is, I’m almost done, too! I just need to script out Frisk and Undyne’s final confrontation, and the Waterfall Arc is done! Will I get that far in the comic in 2023? Part of me says I won’t, that we’ll only reach the middle of Waterfall by the end of 2023, giving me another year to put it off, but I’m gonna have to do this sooner or later, and I would rather get those smaller details ironed out now so I can make corrections early while I still have the flexibility, you know?

7) Finish 1 song comic

I did this! I made Dead Hearts for Undertale’s Seventh birthday this year! I can’t remember if this is the song comic I originally had planned for this year, or if it was just the one I ended up getting the most motivated to do, but I’m glad I’ve made another~ I think this is the third year in a row I’ve made a song comic? Last year’s was wandersong, and the year before that was undertale’s 5th birthday with New Soul. It would be nice to consistently put out a song comic for some video game every year, but I don’t know if I can feasibly manage that..

8) Finish 4 one shots.

I didn’t do this. I think I only wrote one one-shot year, and I feel bad about that. I have the ideas, I have the prompts, I just don’t have the inspiration or time. Hopefully next year will be different.

9) Find a sulfate-free body wash and handsoap.

Lol, I did this literally the day after I posted my “2021 Year review” post. I remember this day, too. It was early January, I went to the supermarket early in the day, fully prepared to spend hours reading the backs of every shampoo, conditioner, and handsoap bottle to find one suitable for me. I quickly learned that the grocery store organized all the “premium” washes in one section which greatly helped reduce my research time. I found this great brand called “renpure” which fits my price tag, and it’s been life changing. Warning, TMI incoming; I used to have bad dandruff and an itchy scalp. To help alleviate irritation, I would use dandruff shampoo from Head and Shoulders. It would help for a day or two… but the itching would always return. I later learned that my scalp was itching because it was dry, and it was drying out because of my dandruff shampoo had sulfates in it. The shampoo I was using to help relieve my pain was also actively causing it. I noticed an immediate difference after switching, and my scalp hasn’t itched in months! My dandruff is also significantly down, though not gone completely (im not sure if that’s even possible since our bodies are constantly shedding skin all over, but hey, it doesn’t look like it’s snowing when I comb my hair now)

Okay, down to the last resolution;

10) Write that one crack fic.

I didn’t do this. I thought about it a couple of times, but this is so low priority, I never really expected to do it this year. What is the crack fic you may ask? I want that to stay a surprise, but for a hint, it involves a crack ship between 3 cartoon characters, 2 from cartoon network and one from Disney channel. I wonder if you can figure it out just from that. I will be impressed if you do.

OKAY, NOW ON TO RESOLUTIONS FOR 2023!

I don’t really have a lot for this year. I think I’m becoming more realistic over the years, and more aware of my time and energy, so when I sat down to create a list, I honestly didn’t have that many. Maybe I’ll divide them into 2 groups, a “serious” list, for resolutions I will actively try to do, and a “casual” list for goals I will try if I have the time or energy. Does that make sense? Okay, let’s see what I want to achieve in 2023…

FOR SERIOUS GOALS, I WOULD LIKE TO;

Read 12 new books (1 Book a month)

Finish the Snowdin Arc before Ghost Switch’s 5th Birthday (June 18th)

Rewrite and finish the third draft of my 2021 (and now 2022) Nanowrimo project

Write 4 Oneshots (preferably Grow, Bake, Beach and Home, for BSaPT)

Finish Scripting the Waterfall Arc of Ghost Switch

One secret goal that, if I achieve, will render all other resolutions moot and meaningless

FOR CASUAL GOALS, I WOULD LIKE TO;

Finish writing Clemency, though maybe not edit/post it all

Write that crack fic

Build a comic buffer that will last me 2 months (8 pages)

So… yeah, not that many goals this year. Hopefully this means I can achieve more of them and have a higher ratio of success to failure, but we’ll just have to see how that goes!

You know… looking back on my past “year in review” posts, it came to my attention that I… didn’t really review the year. Sure, I talked about my goals, but not too much on what I did those years. I’d like to change that, by also talking about some experiences I had, or events I found notable. I want… to remember more, but I can’t do that if I don’t record it, and pretty soon all my thoughts and memories blend together over the years, and I can’t remember what happened when. I’m already trying to recall who I was or things I did at the beginning of 2022 and find it near impossible, which bothers me. What did I DO in 2022? Did… did I do anything outside of work or sleep or draw comic pages? I know I did, but the fact I can’t recall with specificity which troubles me, and I’d like to prevent that going further. So think of this as… a diary of sorts. I will try to keep better notes to myself what I do over the months, probably in drafts or memos in my own note-taking discord so this section for 2023’s year review will be more fleshed out.

Okay, so, this year in February I went to an Ikea for the first time in my life. It was surreal. Now, I’m the kind of person who will drag my friends to the Container Store or Hobby Lobby for fun, and just look around for shits and giggles. Ikea also invoked a similar feeling like that to me. I liked the displays, and how even in America, all the display books are in their native Swedish. I opened up a few and tried to see if I could read it (since I’ve had a perfect duolingo streak for Danish these past 8 years), but sadly I could not. I can read the small bridge words, like “to” “so” “he” “she” “are” and “the”, but nothing much bigger. You’ll be proud to know I am now teaching myself Swedish on duolingo, though I’m only on unit 8 out of 43, which is still the really early stuff. Hm. I might try to teach myself Norwegian and Finnish next. I do like learning Danish and Swedish because the grammar is so similar to English, which makes it quick to pick up. Oh, forgot to mention, I don’t like the ikea displays with fake windows that have lights in them. It really fucked with my sense of orientation in the building, because sometimes I’d think I’d be right near a wall that was an ACTUAL window to the outside, when in reality I’m smack dab in the middle of the display room >:( Also I tried the meatballs. Eh, they were all right. Not crazy about them, though.

I didn’t really play a lot of games this year, which made me sad, seeing as I had bought so many last year and didn’t even start them all. One game I did buy this year, and proved to be a very interesting gaming experience was a game called “The Longing”, and it’s a game all about waiting. I found it pretty charming! I beat it in roughly a month. If you’re interested, I suggest looking up some video reviews before you buy, because it really is a game with a different play style that not all will enjoy. I hope to play more games this year, seeing as there are still so many I haven’t beaten or started (snakebird, typoman, carto, and linelight to name a few I’ve been meaning to get back to.) I think once spring break came around, I just got swamped with work and just kinda forgot about them.

OR, maybe it’s because I downloaded a mobile game on my phone for the first time in my life and got obsessed with that instead. The game is called “dragons world” and it’s pretty cute. It’s a resource management, Number Goes Up, kind of game, though the developers don’t update it any more, and haven’t for years, so it can be super laggy and bug out at times. Still, I like the character models and art MUCH more than Dragon City, which is why I downloaded that one instead. It’s a fun little time sink if nothing else.

Speaking of dragon games, I came to the decision to stop playing Flight Rising. It’s… an odd feeling for me, because I had played daily since I signed up in 2014, but as of late, the gameplay just felt… stale. I remember times in 2016 when I would get my laptop in bed, put podcasts on in the background, and just grind in the coliseum for hours. I don’t regret all that time spent back in those days, but the thought of trying to do that now seems so…. Pointless. I knew for the past several months I wasn’t enjoying the game anymore. I suddenly felt no desire to finish breeding projects when more and more genes came out, because I kinda felt like… “great, this gene is fantastic and would fit SO much better on this fandragon, but with THIS color instead, and now I need to go and recreate them..” Pretty much this whole year I was only concerned about finishing my bestiary, which felt like a sisyphean task because new ones were being added ever fucking week it seemed. Waaay back at the beginning of the year, I was already feeling the burn out, and put all my dragons into hibernation (except one, so I could still do the daily gathering) The only thing I did regularly on FR was brewing, because I would sell stacks of 99 materials around the holidays, but even that felt pointless now that you could convert your mucks and slimes to the other colors. Fun Fact- I used to have Flight Rising bookmarked to my toolbar. It was the second one in the row behind youtube. Every morning, I would turn on my computer, open my browser, and open up my most frequented sites first thing. They included Youtube, Tumblr, Doulingo… and Flight rising. This past November, after the earth holiday had passed, I just... deleted the bookmark from my bar, and hadn’t gone back since. I know I’ve missed the nocturne holiday, but I just don’t care anymore. It feels like breaking an addiction. I don’t want it, I don’t need is, and most surprisingly, I don’t miss it.

During the beginning of the fourth quarter of the year, I got back into the original Pokemon Mystery Dungeon games. I think the hype bleedover from the release of Scarlet and Violet reignited my love for the early pokemon games. I had never 100% them as a teen back in 2006, as I couldn’t figure out what to do past the main storyline tbh, but I’m proud to announce I’m well on my way to doing that now! Currently 100 hours on record with 278 out of 386 pokemon recruited, and 32 out of 43 dungeons unlocked. I haven’t been able to put much time into it since thanksgiving because of the holiday rush at work, but I hope to complete it in early 2023~ It’s been a lot of fun recruiting new mons and oneshoting every enemy with my overpowered, level 80 totodile that can conquer every dungeon on his own.

Let’s see… what else… Oh! I think either riiiiight before or riiiiiight after Ghost Switch’s 4th birthday, the follower count on my fan art deviantart surpassed the number of followers I have on tumblr. After just checking 5 seconds ago, the DA account currently has 2218 watchers over there, while here on tumblr I’ve been fluctuating around 2,130 due to all the sexy singles in my area that I have to constantly decline. In all honesty, follower counts aren’t something I really pay attention to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super grateful to everyone who likes my stuff and reblogs it and decided I was worth their time to watch/follow/subscribe to, but I would be doing this if I had no watchers, or 25 thousand watchers. To ruthlessly repurpose something I read here on tumblr years ago about raccoons; “God gave [me] hands and no concept of shame, [and I will create until the day I die]”. Ultimately, I find it a little unnerving that so many of us (because, yes, I am one of them) still use DeviantART, despite its undoubted decline in user friendliness over the years. Hell, I only use it as a mirror/archiving system for my fan art these days, but I won’t lie that a lot of webcomics I read nowadays are exclusively hosted there which humbles me.

I went to an aquarium that was repurposed from a car dealership this year. I got to touch a lemur and some sharks, several sting rays, a very amorous armadillo, a tamandua, a toucan, and an Australian possum. (Some weird lookin’ fish, I know. Over half these animals weren’t even in water!) The child in me who believed that Animal Junction from Zoboomafoo was a real place was finally able to die happy. I also ate dippin dots again for the first time in years, and got to live out my fantasy of being a giant ant eater for 15 minutes, so over all it was an enjoyable experience. Unfortunately this aquarium also constantly played unfitting videogame music throughout the whole building and it was fucking triggering to hear Undertale’s “megalovania” and Kindgom Heart’s “Sanctuary Remix” back to back when I was in the gift shop checkout. You can’t just play video game mating calls in the wild like that. It confuses us geeks and stresses us out. I wanted to meet their music curator so bad. I just want to talk, I swear.

This year for my birthday I had friends come over. We played jackbox and ate ice cream cake, and to end the day we did those melty perler-bead-and-pegboard art projects. It was a lot of fun, and I hope to do it again this year~

Welp… I think that’s all I have to say for now. Between times of novelty, most of the year was just spent living my life, enjoying each day as they came, creating and drawing and writing and dreaming. I hope to do even more of that this year, on top of other things, but we’ll just have to see where the wind takes us~ Thanks for sticking around with me, guys, and I hope you have a happy new year!

#2022 review #year in review #new year's resolutions

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gwendeeagain · 3 years

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How I wrote the Demon fic

Don't draw devil's traps in janitors' closets is one of my longest fic series I’ve ever written, the most notable of which would be my Demon Gakushuu fic, if you’ve seen it.

In partial response to an ask post (link here), I’ve decided to revisit my writing of this fic series! It was quite a long journey for me and I think it might be fun (?) sharing it with everyone. It’s rather long, so I’ll tag it under “keep reading”.

FYI this thread contains major spoilers for the fic (and would honestly make no sense if you do not have prior knowledge of it).

I'll just refer to the first fic in the series as Books because it has an insanely long title. Subsequent fics are in order Burgundy, Potential, Illuminate, Illuminate rewrite, and Addendum. The main series is linked here.

Addendum is not linked in the main series for reasons I'll explain below. (link here)

Books

I think one of my biggest mistakes writing Books is my lack of plot planning, and subsequently how thematically inconsistent it became. I start off most my fics with a rough idea of how I want the story to end, and a few good themes to carry me through the plot as I write, but for Books I started off with the first chapter and nothing else. If you followed the notes of my fic you'd probably have witnessed my gradual descent into uncertainty and despair as the fic spiralled out of my control due to how wrong I felt it was becoming.

The fic took a surprisingly hard toll on me. I absolutely hated it. I refused to mark it as complete because I was dissatisfied with how it ended. I thought that everyone was out of character, that I lost the original ending and goal in my head, that it was thematically messy such that I couldn't justify any ending I tried to come up with, and I was just grasping at straws trying to make it work.

The three things that bothered me were Gakushuu’s wings, Koro-Sensei and the introduction of Aina. When I started this fic I had plans to kill off Koro-Sensei at the end, however as the fic went on it became a celebration of life and learning how to live, and I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have any death in this fic... but at the same time I had Gakushuu find a lot of meaning in Koro-Sensei’s (to-be) death and I didn’t want to undo that. The wings were on a similar note, because Gakushuu spend 50k words finding out who he is and accepting that he was different. Turning that message around and making him go back to being “the same” ate me up inside, but at the same time I set-up the Demon Society in such a way that they would kill Gakushuu if he didn’t have his wings, and it’s supposed to be a happy ending, dammit! Aina was a particularly egregious case because I threw her (and Ikeda) in without any prior warning at the very last minute. I already had a whole world and setting planned for them which I never got to expand on in the previous chapters because I was so anxious about the other two points, and when it came down to the last chapter I realized I had no set-up for these two, who were supposed to be major players in the finale. Basically I was bad at writing.

Even now I cannot fully articulate why it was terrible for me, but compounded with my real-life stressors, I suppose it just became a bit too much to deal with. (This is a piece of fiction that I am creating from scratch. If I can't even get this under control, what hope do I have for everything else?)

((For come disclosure I was never formally diagnosed with any mental illness, but my parents are the sort of people who don’t believe mental illness exists anyways. I would say that I’ve had depressive episodes when I was younger and sometimes even now, but I’ve learnt my ways of dealing with them!))

Burgundy

Four days later I published Burgundy, a short sequel to Books, very shortly after only because I had already finished writing by that time. I actually do still have several half-finished follow ups at that point, but I couldn't bring myself to complete any sequels because I couldn't even come to terms with the ending of the main story. (Those wips are lost to me now.) I think I was hoping that forcing myself to publish the sequel would show me that it was "no big deal" that the main fic didn't end the way I hoped it would, but it succeeded in making me feel worse.

Potential

About one month after that I wrote Potential. It was a three parter, somehow a fifth of the length of the main fic, that followed Gakuhou's perspective prior to the events of Books. It was a prequel which imo made it easier to write, because I still couldn't move on from Books yet. I think writing Potential was me trying to remind myself why I wrote Books in the first place, to perhaps reignite my original passion for the series. It's kind of funny to think about in hindsight, and a little meta, because Potential was a lead up to the events in Books. It worked... a little bit, I think. I still couldn't reconcile my feelings for the whole thing, but through it I got to revisit the original premise that I fell in love with and expand more on worldbuilding it. I could reprise Aina and Ikeda and finally write about the world I planned to introduce them in in the first fic and give more context and insights to how the demon society was supposed to work.

Illuminate

Six months after Potential, I ran into a comment that said, "what would Gakuhou have done if Gakushuu had died?" And for some reason it struck an epiphany in me. After that I wrote Illuminate in one night, cried myself to sleep, waited one more night to proofread it, and then published it. Illuminate was an AU to the first three fics in the series, and it was a fic about grief and mourning. Spoiler alert: I straight up killed Gakushuu in that fic. And somehow that was what I needed.

I quite literally killed my first fic - I upended the terrible ending I hated from Books - everything I had been uncertain about at first? I killed it. Plot points didn't fit my original plans? Killed it. (When I reread the death scene, I... honestly think I was unnecessarily cruel. I must have really been out of my mind when I wrote it, hah!)

And then I wrote myself a love story about missing it, grieving it, and finally letting go of it. It was heart wrenching for me - I made Gakuhou cry about what he lost, what could have been, what he realized he loved, and at the end of it all he could say "I love you and I can move on from you." And I did!

Illuminate (Rewrite)

Illuminate Rewrite, one year later, was me revisiting Illuminate to reflect on myself where I've come with this series. I actually just swapped the places of two paragraphs to change the mood at the end for something more contemplative. I elaborated a bit more on this in my notes for Rewrite, so I won't repeat them here.

Honestly, I still have a hard time coming back to reread Illuminate even after the whole debacle has happened. I attached a lot of emotions through my journey with this, and revisiting it each time takes quite a bit out of me.

Addendum

Addendum was just me having fun! After Illuminate, I managed to reconcile my feelings with the fic series. I was finally able to mark Books as complete and move on from it, and afterwards I wrote a fun little au sequel to Illuminate so that Gakushuu can live again. I could creatively expand on ideas and just do... whatever! It's more of a loose connection of plot points than a real fic, honestly.

Addendum follows Gakushuu in a future hundreds of years later, after every human who he's once known in Books has died. And... he moves on! Gets a job, makes friends, lives his life, and most importantly move on.

I chose to publish in a separate collection, however, because it was an incomplete story and I didn’t want to have a half-complete fic tacked on to what I have settled in my heart as a complete fic collection.

And that’s about it! <3

#karushuu #gakushuu asano #gwentriestothink

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anondudeao3 · 2 years

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It's been a while since I posted, and I just wanted to update, particularly about Broken!Verse, because that's pretty much at the forefront of my agenda.

First of all, a couple very big Real Life projects really kept me from working on anything for this account for quite a while, and then some medical issues for the last month and a half have been severely, severely reducing the amount I've been able to write, so that hasn't been great, or very conducive to updating in the least.

Secondly, irt b!v: I have over 30 WIPs for it, but I also, about a month ago, have just started questioning...just about everything about it. Basically I'm just feeling incredibly unsure of the series, both what I have so far (has it been bad and cringe all along? I have no way of knowing because I'm IN it, I'm very in my own atmospheric bubble about it usually, and I kind of feel like the mood has been popped and going back and rereading without the Mood, it's just Not Good. This isn't me fishing for compliments, this is...should I even continue with the series? Should I try to rewrite the series? I'm not even sure how to go about fixing it tbh), and especially where I'm taking it (because these last couple fics in the series have been the start of a turning point).

Particularly I'm just questioning whether any of the writing I have for the WIPs, which is at the VERY least 35k words, is even useable at all. And whether I'm taking the series...too far? Whether I'm unintentionally escalating in a way that I don't mean to? Because my intention has been to pretty much keep the level of the 'extremeness' of their sexual exploits and Tim's tastes I suppose at the same level throughout the whole series, but they have just been trying different stuff so it takes some different forms and there is some amount of variance but overall no real Difference in Tim's tastes and the type of sex they have. And the focus is on their Relationship, that is what's changing and growing. But I'm worried that's not the case? And I'm starting to wonder if I've...started to make the characters (especially Tim, but also the others) a parody of themselves maybe, in these upcoming WIPs? (And maybe in Movie Night. Tbh that one has felt very off to me ever since I wrote it; the tone just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like it fits with the rest of the series, and I can't put my finger on exactly why, and I could never figure out how to fix it). I'm also wondering if some of these are stepping over the line of too...self gratification-y? And kind of cracky sometimes? Which, yes, I know fanfiction is supposed to be about being allowed to write whatever you want and whatever you want to read, but I can't ignore that I now have thousands of loyal readers for this series who I am writing for, and I don't want to hand you complete rubbish.

One potential, at least partial, solution I am considering is creating a separate series for crackier stories in the universe, but which would not be part of the actual canon, which would still allow me to share some of the fun stuff I've written without having to worry so much about whether it's 'good' or even realistic, because by virtue of being crack, you are suspending all disbelief at the door to be entertained. However, this would not solve everything, as this would only be able to apply to some of the stories, whereas some of them definitely still need to be part of canon, so I would still need to work on figuring out how to tell what exactly the lines are and how to sort out if I'm going too far/staying consistent/making a parody of my own work.

I would welcome any thoughts or opinions on this (or any part of this post)!

#broken!verse #AD updates

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maurine07 · 3 years

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So today is fanfic writers’ appreciation day (thank you to @openheartfanfics for reminding us of that) and I just wanted to log in for a bit to show some writers my love because y’all are the backbone of our society. Without you, we would’ve all been miserable. So I’m just going to tag some of the writers that come to mind and while I would love to tag each and every single one of you but I’ll probably forget someone so I’m really sorry for that. You are all super talented and I’m in awe of each one of you beautiful people.

@terrm9 Terr, darling, I could write an entire book about how amazing your writing is and how much I love it. You’re an incredible writer and person. The writing style is so beautiful and unique and simply ethereal and I’m so in love with it. Every single time I read a fic of yours, no matter how many times I did, I always marvel at how one can possess so much talent. There is not one trope that you cannot write. How you write the characters, their emotions, you always know the characters and how they think, they would act so well, it’s insane, how you describe everything, the surroundings, what the person is doing, everything is always so perfect. Your mimi series The Couple & The Others is one of my favorites and it's comforting to me, it makes me feel at home. Cieli di Toscana is also a favorite of mine. I love everything about that fic so much. I also love your ch. 11 rewrite with the prompts "There are people who love you" and "Give me a hug, please". I adore the hurt/comfort in those two. The angst is just ugh- it's so good, way too good and it destroys me. As well as A thousand moons, a thousand waves, goodness that fic is just pure and utter perfection, I have no words to describe it. And How much mystery, this love of mine...wow. Seriously wow, I still haven't recovered from how amazing it was. It's so beautiful, they say they're so soft and tender with each other, it's perfect, so perfect. And of course, your you give it to me anyway series is one of the best things I've ever read and I have reread it so many times to the point where I'm not even sure it's healthy. I love it, I love it, I love it, more than words can say. And your OCs, Chiara, Lina, the Ray family, you always know how to make them feel so real. You are truly so magnificent and I just love you and everything you do<3333

@jamespotterthefirst Bree! God, where do I even start? Everything you do is out of this world. Other than the fact that you're extremely kind and funny, you're so wonderfully talented and I love you. The dynamics between Lilac and Ethan are everything, EVERYTHING I TELL YOU. I love how you include the gang as much as you do and how you write them. And while I absolutely love every single fic you write, For A Long Time Now and Most Beautiful will always have a special place in my heart. And I don't think I have to tell you how much I love Lilac. I adore that woman with my entire heart. She's amazing and I would do anything she asks me to. Thank you for creating her and just got being such an incredible part of this fandom❤

@writer-ish Kat, your writing is so stunning. Like, everything about it is so amazing. The way you write Brooke and Ethan, their banter, Brooke's sass, your smut, just everything is pure perfection. I love everything you write but makai is just something else. I especially love B&E in it for some reason, just them being so in love and soft with each other. And you know how much I love Brooke. I would choose her over Ethan any day. She's just incredible and Ethan should worship her like the goddess she is, period😌

@the-pale-goddess Hilde, my angst and smut Queen, there are no words, absolutely none, to describe how much I love your writing. Ma'am, is there anything you can't do? (Other than not break our heart further, of course. One of these days you're gonna need to pay for my therapy. I cannot count the amount of times I was like: I'm feeling pretty happy today. Let me go to Hilde's masterlist and break my own heart. I actually do that so many times, it's pretty concerning.) I'm so in awe of everything you do, your angst? Unmatched. Your smut? So freaking hot. Your fluff? Makes my heart melt. Running to the Edge of the World and (as much as I shouldn't be admitting this in public but) Cabin Fever are just amazing, AMAZING. Puncture Wound is also one of my favorites of yours, the angst, the longing. God, it's so perfect. Conquest is superior to anything, everything and everyone. And of course, Contaminated. That fic breaks my heart yet I read so often that I almost know it by heart. I love LOVE Ethan and Tiffany's relationship even if I am a bit jealous of Ethan. They're the OTP, period. And um... Can I please have Miss Addams' hand in marriage? Like, you can call me Pietro mf Maximoff because I will take a bullet for her. I may also have some unresolved trauma and mommy issues but I promise, I will not make her wait two years just to commit or run to the Amazon and sleep with a coworker. She's my Virgo Queen and I'm so in love with her. The point is, your writing is perfect and I love it so much❤❤❤

@monsoonblooms12 Manamee, you beautiful soul, we don't deserve you and your mind blowing talent. Everything you write is just beautiful and my mind cannot process how you do it. Your fics, your edits, your moodboards, there is nothing you're not good at. And you're such a wonderful person and it makes me want to cry sometimes. I love you, darling❤❤

@blossomanarchy I read your meet my MC posts (and I will get to reblogging those later. I have them in my drafts. I just don't really have any energy at the moment.) and I love Amelia so much. She's already one of absolute favorite MCs. I truly look forward to your fic (if you ever decide to post it, I will be eagerly waiting for it and I have no doubt it will be magnificent) And your moodboards are absolutely stunning. I could stare at them for hours, hell, even the rest of my life. They're so freaking pretty!!💗💗

@takemyopenheart Avy, you're so freaking talented and I love your writing super much. Luz is amazing and I love her more than words can say. I adore her relationship with Ethan so much. Your fluff is god-tier and your smut is just *chef's kiss* as well as your angst. Yours were some of the first fics I read for OH and I still love them just as much as the first time I read them if not more.💕💕

@mvalentine Mal, goodness, you are a godsend to this fandom. I cannot, for the life of me, find the words to properly describe how freaking amazing your writing is. Lana is a Queen and I'm in love with everything about her. Like, I need her to reject me so I can move on already. I love the way you write L&E. They're such an amazing couple and they have my whole heart (also, ngl, I miss them like crazy). Hold On To Me makes me sob every time I read it and it was heaven a moment ago is one of the most beautiful things I have ever read in my life, the sheer beauty of it, it's poetry. You're incredible, my dear and your writing is so beautiful.<333

@genevievemd Sara, from the minute I read your first fic, I knew you were an incredible writer and I was so right. I love everything about your writing, everything. G&E are couple goals and I love them so much. Your angst kills me every single time. Like, you seriously need to stop hurting me so much, I can't take it anymore. But seriously, you're extremely talented and I love you❤❤

@stygianflood Hiya, I just spent a good five minutes trying to come up with any words to describe how freaking beautiful and otherworldly your writing is and I couldn't find any because it's truly undescribable, in the best way possible. Like the Shoreline and the Sea and Bridge over Troubled Water always bring me an immense amount of comfort. They feel like a warm hug even though they hurt. I've binged your masterlist so many times and I still can't process how you're so talented.❤❤❤

@anntoldst0ries Ann, my love, I don't know how to put into words how much I adore you and your writing. It's freaking poetry. It's so smooth. Like I could be reading one of your fics and I come across a line that is just so utterly beautiful and I'm just like: how?? How can one be so talented and come up with such beautiful lines? Lost in Translation is one of those fics that I cannot process because it's so incredible, it's so unbelievable how you manage to capture Ethan's character and thoughts and emotions so well. Coda is just perfection, girl, your smut is so good. And as much as I love all your fics, Shinrin-Yoku will always be my favorite. I love how you write about Noelle's metal health. It makes her feel so real and I really do appreciate that fic so much. You're incredible and your writing is just so magical and I will forever be so in awe of you.💗💗💗

@gryffindordaughterofathena Dri, god, I have no clue how you do it but you always manage to leave speechless and awestruck by your writing. It's so poetic and beautiful and I love everything about it. The way you write the characters and their emotional will always make me so damn emotional. You're just so brilliant and I love all your work so much.❤❤

@starrystarrytrouble All hail Queen Ruby, our savior from the nightmare that was OH3 canon. I know you're not here these days but I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you and all the work you've put into this fandom so much. You're so so incredibly talented. E&E are god-tier and I love them so much, more than I can put into words. Secret is one of my favorites mainly because I'm a sucker for enemies to lovers but also because I love E&E in that fic so much. Also, Anonymous! That fic is everything, I love it so much. And Eve is just amazing. I love everything you create and I miss you💕💕💕

@writinghereandthere Ana, I know we haven’t interacted before and that I haven’t reblogged any of your fics before but I seriously love your writing so so much. I’ve read and reread your masterlist more times than I could count and every single time, I was left more in awe of you than the last. Your writing style is just so beautiful and so magnetic. Like, if anyone interrupts me while I’m reading one of your fics, they can say bye bye to the world. Your do you fear death? series is just something else. It’s so out of this world. Fourteen Hours is amazing, it was the first fic I read of yours and it made me fall in love with your writing, the first I read it, I immediately loved it so much. I love how you write Mariana and Ethan so much, they’re everything. And I'm so in love with Mariana. God, she's so perfect! And Two Days breaks my heart every time I read it but it’s one of my comfort fics. More Than A Drawer is also a favorite of mine. I love the domesticity of it so much. And Golden! God, that fic! How the hell did you write that?? It’s so fucking brilliant and I don’t have the right words to describe it. Also!! Finer Things is one of the best things I have ever read. I am an absolute whore for Harper Emery and that masterpiece just increased that. It’s so magnificent! You’re just so freaking incredible and I will always wonder how you’re so so talented❤️❤️

I'm pretty sure I forgot some amazingly talented people and I'm so sorry for that, truly. Your fics have always been a source of comfort to me. During some of the worst times in my life, I would always find happiness and comfort in your beautiful creations. Hope all of you are having a great day and I hope you know how truly appreciated you are💕💕💕💕

#you know what? everyday should be fanfic writers appreciation day #y'all are the best #thank you for everything you do!

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keilemlucent · 3 years

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Hi! I love your fics and your blog! I just have a tiny, tiny question regarding lavender Latte. I saw that now chapter X and XI are not longer canon, which means that the following chapter is going to disregard everything that happened along those two chapters, correct? If that's correct then I guess the question is, why did you made the decision of cutting those chapters out? I love the story and I just was curious! <3

hi anon!! thank you for asking for clarification hehe. you are correct, chapters x and xi are disregarded and not longer canon.

as for why? to be a little long-winded:

i just really don’t like how they turned out. lavender latte got a lot of praise in its beginning for the writing style, and i eventually got like... too in my head about ‘lavender latte’s writing style’. every new chapter felt like it wasn’t good enough and i over-embellished stylistically to compensate (not intentionally, but ya know). the insecurity always bothered me and got worse over time.

it got to he point where it kept me from writing lavender latte for a good amount of time. i didn’t touch it.

i ended up doing a reread around new years with renewed and refreshed eyes. my conclusion was that most of the chapters were okay, even with how embellished they got. EXCEPT for chapters X and XI (which were originally one, massive chapter.) those two chapters were almost impossible for me to get through. ive never had that with my own writing, so it was like. discouraging lol.

the flow felt wrong both in writing style and narratively. i could feel my own insecurities in the writing. they’re not necessarily even bad, they’re just so off-kilter for me to read that they throw a wrench in my view of the story. i’m sure that the average reader wouldn’t be able to tell, but as a writer? it keeps me from moving forward. x and xi felt like this blemish that was stopping me from writing that i either needed to gloss over and get over or rewrite. i chose the latter.

so, the chapters are disregarded and are to be rewritten 😎

i’ve taken a big step back from lavender latte. truthfully? i haven’t touched it in a long time. i got in my head about it, stressed myself out, and have needed a break from the series as a whole. but disregarding my two least favorite chapters so i can write and be happy with it is a good start. i never wanted to elaborate on this too much in the past because i didn’t want to ruffle any feathers. its not bad writing, its just two pieces of fic that i was so unhappy with it kept me from going forward.

there’s my little ramble

#salem answers #lavender latte #sdjklfhaslkd #oof #there it is #salems inner thoughts #Anonymous

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alliterative-albatross · 3 years

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So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again.

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise!

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory.

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs,

~ Jay

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echo-bleu · 3 years

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WIP Headcount (2)

The WIPs from other fandoms that are in diverse stages of being abandoned. This is my WIP graveyard, which I’m going to dig into to see if any of the dead rises again.

Part one about my Shadowhunters WIPs here.

I’ll do it in inverse chronological order of fandom and put it under a cut because it might get rambly. Fandoms: Roswell New Mexico,The Gifted, Leverage/The Librarians.

Roswell NM

I left the fandom brutally and left too many WIPs unfinished. Almost six months later, I think it’s time to admit that unless season 3 pulls me back in (and it’s unlikely) I won’t be coming back to them. Which is a shame, because while I honestly can’t say I like the show at all anymore, I liked my WIPs.

Power Through: I don’t know. There’s potential, I had a pretty good plot in mind, I still love the Gifted (unlike RNM) so I at least really like the world this is in, but also... It’s been too long. Going on the maybe list.

still, there were mornings: I liked the idea of it, as a fix-it for s2 and also as a soulmate concept, but it’s not going to get any further.

our hands clasped so tight: Damn, I liked this one. If there is one fic I want to finish, it’s probably our hands. It’s going at the top of the maybe list.

down to breathing: A 3+1 still missing 2 parts... but then the two existing parts stand alone fine. I only had a bit of the last part written and it wasn’t all that good.

Complicated Truths: I still like the idea of it, and it’s maybe the one AU that is the furthest from canon. So. I might try to start again. Or I might reuse the idea for something else.

setting fire to our insides (for fun) sequel: I wish I could say I’d write this, because I hate leaving it like this and so many people have asked me about the sequel, but I know it will never see the light of day. So I’m sorry about that.

Untitled Leverage AU: It was a fic I plotted out and started for the Big Bang before realizing that it would have to be far longer than I could manage. I wrote about 6k but it didn’t hold my interest. The plot is really nice though, so I want to say it’s up for adoption? If someone really wants to write a Leverage AU but doesn’t have any good ideas, I’ll give you mine ;)

The Gifted

The fandom is sadly long gone, and I left 3 WIPs unfinished.

All We Stand To Lose: I think we can consider this one abandoned. I know I won’t go back to it. I need to be in a specific mood to write that kind of angst and I don’t think it will ever come back for this fandom.

If You're Still Breathing: abandoned too. If I ever do the rewatch I’ve been saying I’ll do for about a year and a half, maybe I’ll find the drive to finish it, but honestly, probably not.

The Underground is still my longest and favorite fic overall. I’m really sad that I’ll never write the last part that I plotted out, but it’s also more of a slice-of-life fic so it stands quite well as it is. I’m considering writing an epilogue to tie up loose end and feel like I’ve properly finished it, because leaving it like this has been bugging me.

Leverage/The Librarians

I haven’t actually written anything for this fandom in ages, but I’ve also not given up on it. It seems to be one that I can actually come back to fairly easily, as I have several times before.

Every Chance We Get series (blind & autistic Eliot, autistic Parker, canon adjacent AU and eventual Librarians crossover). Rereading this, the backstory is a lot more dramatic and angsty than I’d write now, especially for a story leading to a disability. I don’t want to just scrap it all but I’m also not sure what to do with it tbh. There are parts I really like, so I want to finish and post them eventually, and I don’t want to end up rewriting everything cause that would be way too much work. I’ll try to find some kind of middle ground.

Every Chance We Get has one more chapter to go. It’s based on the Two-Horse job and, I think, mostly written, but I got stuck because I don’t actually know anything about horses. That was a year and a half ago, but hey, I can do this.

All that remains is set during the two David jobs, and it has 4 chapters and another 5k of unfinished snippets. I probably need to scale it down and just finish it instead of trying to give it a whole plot (I’m always a little too ambitious with WIPs).

Everything we fought for is not super advanced and also needs to be rewritten, probably. But it was a fairly important part of this series where the crew find out about Eliot’s health issues so I’ll need to write it properly.

The Limits of Endurance probably needs to be split in two. There’s the San Lorenzo Job, which I might have to scrap or rewrite because too much plot, and the Carnival Job, which could work as an episode coda much better. That one is probably close to done? I’m not sure.

I have about 2k (each) for pieces set during the Radio Job and the Rundown Job. I need to do something with them. I think I really need to scale it all down and accept that they’re all snippets rather than full fics so I can finally post them.

I planned a whole thing post Leverage s5 with the OT3, but unless the new show pulls me right in, it’s unlikely to see the light of the day. I might write a short thing instead about polyamorous queerplatonic relationship negotiations.

Then the Librarians crossover. I have quite a bit and none of it really makes sense as a standalone, which is annoying. The first part, Those Left Behind, is all posted. I think Daring to Dream could be posted as is, it’s angsty and the start of an Eliot/Cassandra friendship and eventual relationship (where Eliot is also in a queerplatonic relationship with Parker and Hardison). I think it needs a different title though. I might post it today actually, so that it’s done.

What was meant to be the second part of Daring to Dream should be written, I think, but I don’t have enough yet to want to go back to it and I’d need to rewatch the Librarians.

No Going Back is about Eliot and Jake and their father. It’s maybe 2/3 written and I’d really like to finish this one.

The Best of a Bad Situation is set after the Ice Giants episode of the Librarians and it’s h/c and I really love it, but there’s still quite a bit of it to write. And I also need to scale it down.

The Shape of Things to Come is a fic I like, it’s angsty in an intimate way and it’s 26k, but even if I scale it down too, there’s still a lot to write. And it doesn’t really make sense without all the fics that come before, so I can’t really just start posting it. I’ll get there, eventually.

I have a bunch of shorter bits and pieces started in this AU, but looking at it, only one of them really holds my interest, Lonely Roads. It’s a 5+1 of phone calls between Eliot and Jake. Only parts 1 & 2 are written, so there’s quite a bit of work left to do.

I really need to plunge back into all this, but I’ve got too many other WIPs too 😭

#echo's writing thoughts #queued

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regrettablewritings · 4 years

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“Which of Your Fics . . .?” Meme

Tagged by: @locke-writes (cotdammit Noah I had to reread all my crap and be reminded of how decent I used to be at writing! Jk is cool, I needed a calm-down this weekend)

Which of your fics . . .

Did you think would get a bigger reaction/audience than it did?: Of the ones written of my own volition? I know there’s probably another one, but the most recent one is the Guilty Pleasures preference. Granted, it’s not filled with “Top-Billing Characters” like my Love Languages series is, so I guess that’s an unfortunate factor.😕 What makes it kinda sting is that I learned the hard way that I can no longer edit posts made on my laptop on my phone anymore, and it deleted all my work. So I had to sprint through chat logs with a friend to find some of the pieces and completely rewrite a few others. But I guess in due time it might gain more traction. Somehow and for some reason.

Got a bigger reaction than what you were expecting?: Of pieces I made without prompting, it’s gotta be a tie between the Doctor Strange Soulmate AU and Day Bi Day: A Documented Study of the Bisexual. And also pretty much any of my Tadashi Hamada pieces because when I first wrote his soulmate AU, it got next to no attention and I just altogether assumed the time for Tadashi had passed. Day Bi Day doesn’t exactly have a whole lot of notes, either, but I’m impressed by anyone who managed to slog through the leviathan of a oneshot. Request-wise, believe me when I say that I did not expect that Geralt Love Headcanon set to acquire half as much, let alone just as much as it did.

Is your funniest?: It straight up has to be a tie between The Hairy Situation and Dios Meme-o!. Should it be concerning that my funniest fics tended to be involving guys from Law & Order: SVU? Probably. But I have so much fun when I get to write as bizarrely as I actually talk or want to talk. Besides, Carisi is so easy-going that it’s easy to make the reader the Straight Man, whereas Barna is so rigid and proper that it’s hilarious to just keep subjecting him to all kinds of weirdness. Really, nearly every one of my Barba has some instance of him being embarrassed or perplexed or just yanked completely out of his element.

Is your darkest or angstiest?: Definitely my one about Bruce Wayne’s S/O getting kidnapped, though it doesn’t feel especially angsty to me: I could actually go potentially darker with my stories and ideas. But constantly worry about judgement or backlash. Maybe one day I’ll gain access to my Big Girl Parts and just stop caring and just do it, though.🤷🏽‍♀️

Is your absolute favorite?: I don’t quite have one . . . I kinda look back at nearly all my works to some degree of envy because I genuinely do believe my writing was much better when I first started out.

Was easiest to write?: None. Absolutely none. They all drained the life out of me. I popped Pink out in the span of a few hours as opposed to the usual months weeks days it may usually take me. Literally came to the idea in the middle of a morning lecture, went immediately back to my dorm, and wrote in a mad fury.

Was hardest to write?: Nearly every single thing made circa 2018 onward.There’s a reason I went on a year-long hiatus, after all. Though, the difficulty is mainly sourced from my fluctuating motivation and focus and ability to put my thoughts and images into words. When it comes to content, however, it’s still difficult for me to say. I had a hard time writing the soulmate AU for the Phantom of the Opera, but I mainly chalk that up to a few things: It was the first soulmate AU I had attempted writing in a long time; it’s hard to capture how Erik would speak, considering he rarely talks so much as he sings in purposefully flamboyant and prose-y fashion; I am a perfectionist.

Has your favorite lines/exchanges/paragraphs? (Share It): “In a way, it’s arguably also affirmation with hints of giving gifts, because you know that the man is going to write songs about you. You can’t help but think it’s a tad ridiculous. After all, you’re no hero, you’re not really a warrior, you’re more or less just along for the ride. But Jaskier can’t help it: You are his muse, his adoration, the goddess whose feet he kneels before as he sings golden applause to and prays before for her guidance and accompaniment. There is never a moment where you feel unloved because Jaskier is unafraid to love you loudly. And given the songs and odes and everything he’s used to honor your existence with, it appears that his love for you will echo long after you are both gone. That way, everyone else will know and love you as he feels you deserve to be.” - Jaskier, Love Languages II Really, in hindsight, I like how I did with Brocky Horror Picture Show. Not every line is gold, but there’s too many to pick from.

Have you re-read the most?: Hard to say. I reread a lot of my stuff from time to time, there’s no real one I really go back to especially. Usually, it also depends on if I’m writing for a character I’ve already written for; that way I can keep the “lore” consistent.

Would you recommend to someone reading your work for the first time?: Much like @locke-writes put it, it depends on the character/fandom the reader is looking for. I’m lazy, so the Reader I have in mind for certain characters is usually pretty the same throughout their respective fics. There’s lowkey more or less sorta mini lores going on for certain characters and their respective s/os (ex: If the fic is about Erik, they’ll probably still be working in the costume shop as stated in the Soulmate AU [the first piece I did of him]; if the fic is about Clark Kent, depending, chances are Reader was involved in the plot to kill Superman). But if we have to boil it down, here are just a few I would start with for a several characters whose S/Os tend to be consistent or for whom I intend on keeping the lore of for future projects: - Benoit Blanc x Reader Ship Meme - M’Baku x Reader Ship Meme - Jaskier x Reader Ship Meme

Are you most proud of?: If you would allow me to be so arrogant . . . - Soulmate AU: You Can See a Meter of How Dangerous Your Soulmate Is Hovering Over Their Head - Soulmate AU: You and Your Soulmate Share Sensations - Say Yes to Distress - Brocky Horror Picture Show

Tagging: Whomever wants in!

#wrote this...tired and wack...#tag meme

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the-bounce-back · 4 years

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BEING ‘SINGLE SINGLE’ - LESSONS LEARNED FROM FOCUSING ON MYSELF

Well, hey there. It’s been a while.

As I’m sure you all will appreciate and understand, March was an extremely hot mess in many ways, but mainly due to how COVID-19 showed up and started ruining everyone’s lives, and my motivation to write has been very limited due to stress and anxiety over how the situation is unfolding (please stay safe and at home!). However, I have finally somewhat adjusted to the situation and started to feel kind of normal again, so… I’m back like I never left. We love to see it.

I should point out that this post has been on my mind since, like, late December, and I started writing it in the middle of February after I finished the Confidence Chronicles. As the effects of Miss Rona started to become even more prominent in our everyday lives, I wanted to rewrite some of the parts so it would become more relevant to what is currently going on before publishing it… so without further ado, let’s get into it.

If you’re in my age group, I’m sure you will understand and agree that there are different ‘categories’ of being single, and all these levels are immensely different if you get political and look at the specific details of them. For the purpose of clarity and to illustrate, I (personally) would dub these categories as such:

*Single and MiNgLiNg: You’re not tied down to anyone. You’re talking to, seeing and doing whatever you want, with whoever you want, whenever you want. You’re living your best, unbothered life. Feelings are/have become an alien concept to you. I respect it. Gwarn with your bad self.

*Single (but not really): You’re technically single, but there’s someone (or someones, if you’re so inclined) that you’re into and that you’re secretly hoping things will work out with so that you can leave this ghetto that we call the gAmE. I’d say that this is the category where most situationships reside in, before eventually dying out or graduating to an actual relationship. I hate this category, because it is literally the worst: everyone has different opinions on what can and can’t run, and from what I’ve seen it usually just ends up in someone getting hurt.

*Single-ish: kind of like the previous category, but the main difference is that although there might be someone you want things to work out with, you’re grudgingly talking to other people as well in case things go sour. Either to protect your own feelings or out of sheer boredom because the person you want isn’t stepping up in the way you want them to. You probably even try to convince yourself that these other people are better options than the one(s) you actually want, but deep down you know you’re lying to yourself. Sigh. A mess.

And finally, the namesake of this post:

*Single single (aka ‘Single and not looking’): You’ve completely distanced yourself from trying to get to know someone, for whatever reason. You have no interest in changing this anytime soon. Your phone is drier than your hands during this epidemic (cream your hands after washing them… please).

Up until very recently, I have considered myself single single. This came to pass after things not working out with the person that I wanted, after floating between the single (but not really) and single-ish categories for what felt like eons. I’m not even going to lie, it hurt - but I’m glad it happened. If it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have been able to write this post and share what I’ve learnt from taking a step back and choosing to focus on myself, and I definitely wouldn’t have elevated to this completely new level of confidence the way I have.

The choice to cut all romantic/physical ties off for a while came when I was overanalysing the situation for the trillionth time. I realised that ever since the age of 16, I have always been involved with someone in some way - whether it’s literally just talking or something more. That’s literally almost a decade of my life that I’ve let boys/men live rent-free in my head… Ew. I know, very embarrassing. As if that embarrassment isn’t enough, I soon realised that there must be a correlation between how low my self-esteem, self-confidence and perception of self-worth used to be and the men I’ve had to deal with in my short life so far. I recognised that the craving for male attention and validation that I thought I had eliminated was, in reality, still very much intact after things ended with the person I wanted. I almost got angry at myself for feeling so empty and worthless after it ended, because I genuinely thought that I was stronger than this.

It’s all good, though - these past few months that have been spent realigning my focus in life, my personal goals and my own dreams have been so crucial to my growth as an independent woman that doesn’t need a man to feel whole. I had already come very far in this inner work (as you will tell from my previous posts), but having this time being completely alone definitely reinforced the things I already knew, but was struggling to apply to my life. I have learnt so many invaluable things about myself and what I want in a relationship in general, so let's get it.

1. I will - shock horror - not die if I don’t get attention.

This is definitely the first realisation I had after my initial decision to not talk to men anymore. As childish as it sounds, I didn’t realise how weird it would be to go from constantly being gassed by someone whose opinion I cared about a little too much… to literal radio silence.

This is how I know that this decision came at the right time of my life, because I genuinely don’t think I would’ve been able to cope without constant attention and validation a few years ago. Honestly, I was like Tinkerbell - on the verge of perishing every time I didn’t get the energy I believed (and still believe!) I deserved when I was looking nice. It’s very embarrassing and almost comical how much it used to ruin my day if I didn’t get some kind of comment about how pRetTy I am, and I’m so grateful to myself that I got out of that mindset before committing to being alone. If you’ve read my post about how to have a healthy relationship (if not, find it here), you might remember that I talked about how freeing myself from the perception that attention, affection and validation from men being something needed to survive in this life was one of the best realisations I’ve ever had. This is still entirely true, and not being involved with anyone has even made me even more of an advocate for this.

I feel like I’ve discussed the importance of building your confidence to death during my confidence series, so I’m not going to delve too deep into it here. But if you haven’t read those posts, the most important takeaway is that confidence and a deep belief in your own sauce comes from within, and gradually breaking down your insecurities with positivity, a willingness to think about/confront your demons, taking the time to get to know yourself properly, and giving yourself the love and accolades you know you deserve. At no point whatsoever did I mention the approval of men (or whoever you’re attracted to). With this in mind, I can definitely say that this deep love and appreciation I’ve been feeling for myself lately has 100% stemmed from me truly believing in it, as opposed to partially based in forcing myself to believe it and partially based in expecting validation from whoever I’m dealing with.

Furthermore, I’ve officially gotten to the point where the compliments I give myself have started to slap harder than compliments/attention from men, and it’s made me feel extremely empowered and like I have a newfound appreciation for myself. They mean more for the following reasons:

* They’re largely focused on aspects of my personality, mindset, abilities and intelligence - as opposed to just empty comments on my physical features/body.

*The only ulterior motive I have with giving myself compliments is to improve my mental health and confidence, since I don’t need to get into my own good books first to off my own pant.

Whew. All tea/shade/offence intended!

All jokes aside - regardless of if you’re in a relationship, talking to someone or happily single, I’d definitely recommend asking yourself if you’d still feel the same way about yourself if you didn’t get attention or validation on a regular basis. If the answer is no, then I’d definitely recommend asking yourself why that is (and reading/rereading my Confidence Chronicles series).

2. I’m really productive when I don’t have any distractions.

I’m not going to lie, I’ve missed smiling and giggling at my phone like a smiling and giggling idiot. I’ve also missed communicating solely with dark memes, as this is one of my love languages. For those reasons, not talking to anyone kind of sucked at times.

However, much like cutting junk food out of your diet - it gets easier the longer you stick to it, and after some time you’ll realise that you’re probably better off without it. Honestly. The amount of time I’ve freed up from not constantly being on my phone to have pointless giggly conversations about absolutely nothing is actually insane, and before Corona came into the picture, I was extremely productive (not to say that I’m no longer productive… but I may or may not have been doing 48h Netflix binges every few days now that everything is closed).

I’ve spent more time brainstorming blog ideas. My art has drastically improved. I’ve started to lose the depression weight I put on. My skin has cleared up. I’m currently learning eight new languages. I’m writing a whole BOOK. I’ve taken time to update my career plan. And last but not least - I’ve spent a lot of time healing and looking to the future as opposed to dwelling on the past and things that I am unable to change.

Having time to myself - especially while being in a better frame of mind than other times I’ve found myself alone - has reinforced the knowledge of how much I can accomplish and how good I can feel about myself outside of a relationship. This isn’t news to me, at all. But if I had realised how much of a difference being completely solo dolo would have to my productivity and motivation, I definitely would’ve chosen to cut everyone off ages ago… however, the timing in this case has been impeccable. Committing to be alone after going through over a year of inner work and self-healing has allowed me to both appreciate the confidence and resilience I’ve been rebuilding on a completely new level, as well as be able to take a step back and fully enjoy the peacefulness of not having to constantly have someone to worry/overthink about outside of myself and my own goals/projects.

3. I’m a really f*cking cool person to hang out with.

This realisation came long before I decided to not talk to men, to be honest. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been an ambivert - meaning that as much as I love spending time with friends, I highly value my alone time as well. Regardless of if I’m just Netflixing, writing, drawing or imagining fake scenarios in my head that will never happen (unless, of course, my book becomes a bestseller and I end up on Ellen), I always have a fantastic time being alone. It’s my time to recharge, dissect my thoughts and feelings, and not have to deal with anyone else for a bit.

When I first decided to be completely single, one of my main goals was to commit to being comfortable alone regardless of the situation. I’ve always been comfortable taking myself to see a movie or on a nice café date, but I really wanted to push myself to the next level of iNdEpEnDeNcE. I went to a couple gigs and a couple tourist attractions alone earlier this year when no one could/wanted to go, and I had the best time ever. Honestly, I was living the dream. Those experiences made me start planning the cute little solo holidays I was going to go on and restaurants I wanted to take myself to, and I was getting really excited. But then, of course, Corona came and ruined everything, so my plans have been put on hold indefinitely.

With that being said, I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss going out for cute little dates with someone I’m seeing/in a relationship with. Some of my favourite memories are gigs, day trips and holidays with someone else. But I think once I chose to ignore the social norms in place that dub doing things alone as “weird” - and overcome feeling “weird” as I’ve done things alone - I’ve definitely felt more excited to schedule in quality time with myself. I personally can’t wait for this Rona nonsense to be over so I can resume planning my art/architecture trip.

“But Liv! How did you overcome the feelings of awkwardness and weirdness when you went out? How did you overcome the anxiety that people were looking at/judging you?”

Excellent question. The answer is hard drugs and loads of alcohol.

I’m kidding. I don’t think the anxiety ever fully goes away, since we’ve been so hardwired to see people without a group as an outcast or even a threat. But at some point I just decided to focus on enjoying myself, as opposed to worrying about what the people I’d never see again around me felt.

(Also… alcohol definitely helps. Drink responsibly, kids.)

4. Apparently I have a massive saviour complex?

I think most people that have known me for a long time or at least taken the time to get to know me properly would agree that I am a huge empath. I have always been highly perceptive of other peoples’ feelings, emotions and moods, and I am instinctively inclined to ensure that people feel seen and heard after speaking with me about whatever they needed to vent/get advice about. This, because I’m obviously a huge advocate of normalising talking about mental health struggles, and because I genuinely enjoy sensing that they feel better after confiding in me.

Now, I wouldn’t necessarily say that being an empath is a bad thing - in fact, these traits are some of the things I like the most about myself. But taking a step back from any kind of relationship/situationship has made me suddenly and painfully aware that my high levels of empathy may not be based in a fundamental kindness as I initially thought. In fact, part of it - and I have no idea how large this part is - may be due to a severe saviour complex, and therefore based in an inherent selfishness.

Yes, I know it’s confusing. Me too, I’m confused. Hear me out.

Sometimes I get so carried away while writing about all the ways that I’ve healed and bettered myself after my previous relationship… so much that I forget I had issues I was going to counselling for before he ruined everything and the sessions became all about getting over him. I genuinely forget sometimes that I had a life before I even knew he even existed, which just goes to show how large of an impact it had on me. Very sad, I know.

The stuff I was going to counselling for at the time had me in a very dark place, and looking back at it the breakup was kind of a blessing in disguise for my brain. I definitely think that refocusing my energy to heal from the relationship protected me from having to face certain aspects of myself that I wasn’t ready to deal with at the time.

Fast forward to a couple years later - I consider myself fully healed from the situation. I’ve learnt so much about myself, my mental health, relationships and love in general, and for a good year or so I was meeting new people and starting to think about a potential new relationship. I met some great people (and a couple nutcases) that things didn’t end up working out with, but I didn’t really mind that things weren’t going perfectly because I had hEaLeD™, and I had proved to myself that I could move on… so sh*t was sweet for a while.

However, when I decided to go on this dating hiatus, something I didn’t expect at all happened:

The issues, thoughts and feelings I was initially going to counselling for - before the breakup - started to come back to my attention. And this time, there was nowhere to run and nothing/nobody to distract me.

At this point in time, being forced to face these issues genuinely doesn’t feel as hard as it used to, as I have grown and matured a lot since when I first started feeling these things at around 14/15. I can think about things without it ruining the rest of my day, and I can put words to the feelings I struggled so much to verbalise back then. But regardless of how much easier it is now, it’s still f*cking hard - and this is what brings me back to my point about having a saviour complex.

The term “saviour complex” implies a deep rooted need to save/help people by fixing their problems - often at the expense of their own needs and feelings. Some would even go as far as saying that these “saviours” go out of their way to help others so they don’t have to deal with their own thoughts and feelings, and the more I think about it the more painfully obvious it is that perhaps my inclination to help people - and especially those that I’ve been involved with in some way - comes from a place of selfishness and an immense desire to not have to think about my own troubles.

This has definitely been a scary epiphany for me, and old habits have made me focus on the negative side of constantly trying to help and empathise with people. It’s made me question my entire character, in the sense that the traits that I’ve admired the most about myself might just be a defence mechanism so I don’t have to deal with my own sh*t. However, on the other hand, I’ve been spending a lot of energy reminding myself that regardless of what the truth is - if I ever figure it out - I’ve still been able to help people that have needed someone to be there for them, so does it even really matter what the reasons are at the end of the day? Probably not. I really need to keep working on getting out of my own head sometimes.

With that being said, being alone - whether it’s being single or temporarily for this lockdown - really forces you to face yourself and accept that maybe you don’t have everything as together as you thought, and that’s okay. As long as you acknowledge/fully feel your thoughts and feelings instead of dismissing them out of discomfort, the outcome can only be emotional growth and maturity.

5. My next relationship is going to be phenomenal.

Arguably to my disadvantage, and despite experiencing how peaceful and stress-free being completely single is… I still want love in my life, as long as it is on the right terms and healthy for both of us. I guess I’m just a hopeless romantic like that, at the end of the day… or a sick masochist.

I say this, but I know that all this work I’ve put into rebuilding and elevating myself will - when the time is right - bring someone amazing into my life, that will fully love my confidence, my imperfections and everything else about me that makes me, me. I have so much faith in this that for now, I’m really just chilling and going about my life and my own goals, as well as trusting the process. I feel no stress or anxiety about it anymore whatsoever, and I never thought I’d ever get to this point of calmness. It really is a great feeling to know that the next person lucky enough to be in a relationship with me is going to be nothing short of an additional blessing in my life (and I to theirs), because I am now no longer willing to compromise on or overlook toxic/unhealthy/bad vibes in whoever I end up with. For this reason, I would once again like to reiterate how grateful I am to myself for realising that this time alone was something I needed (and actually sticking to it) - it really has made me feel invincible.

The beautiful thing about all of these realisations is that you don’t even have to be as drastic as me (in terms of cutting the person/the people you’re talking to off) to get into a better headspace when it comes to relationships. If you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship with/dealing with someone that respects, loves and encourages your individuality, allocating quality time to spend with yourself shouldn’t even need to be justified. Obviously, a lot of relationships don’t really have a choice besides giving each other space during this lockdown, but even so I don’t think that time apart should be seen as a strain or a risk to the relationship. I feel so strongly about this that I’ve realised that I can’t even be with someone who doesn’t understand the importance of being our own, separate people who choose to form a team, as opposed to two incomplete individuals who are reliant on each other to feel whole.

With that being said, my biggest realisation and takeaway from this time alone is this:

My next relationship will not “complete” me; it will simply compliment my already existing wholeness.

Read that again.

Now - I know we’re all sick and tired of being cooped up in our houses. But we literally have all the time in the world to spend quality time with ourselves, so why not do so? Now is the perfect time for reflection, g-checking yourself, positive affirmations and self-love. I promise that you’ll come out of this lockdown feeling so much better about yourself.

Stay safe (and stay home)!

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #love #empowerment

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