#i started writing it when I woke up at 9.30 this morning. then I had work where I would edit and reword and elaborate during my breaks

[becauseheartsgetbroken-hs]

"I love you more than you'll ever know"

2/09/2022

"check your emails" i saw the notification and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I excused myself from the meeting I was in and went outside. I remember my hands shaking.

"Mel you are there too! Thanks for your order and for choosing our services!" a forwarded message from Ticketmaster popped up on my screen. That was it! My sisters got us tickets for Harry Styles' final lot show and I couldn't believe my eyes. I was shocked.

22/07/23

I woke up in an airbnb apartment. I turned my head to the left and saw my sisters sleeping beside me. I heard voices coming from the living room and music from the bathroom. Our best friends had woken up already. "Golden" was filling the house and I took a deep breath. I was going to see Harry for the first time. I was gonna listen to his voice live for the first time. I closed my eyes and I thought "don't cry, it's only 9.30 in the morning".

That day was eventful. We almost didn't make it to the show. We had made a reservation for a car and they told us they didn't have our car. We got tickets for the train and we almost didn't catch it because it started to rain and we couldn't find a taxi to take us to the station. All I could think about was that I just wanted to be there. I was waiting for this for so long. When I had hard days during the year, I was thinking about this trip, about this show, about him.

And in a magical way, at the last moment, everything worked out. We did catch our train even if we were soaked wet and we couldn't catch our breaths. I was so happy. We started doing our make- up in the train and we met such lovely and kind people. Everyone was laughing and singing and all you could see were cowboy hats, sparkling dresses and pants, heart- shaped glasses and colorful boas. The vibes were so beautiful and in moments like this you remember how beatiful human- beings can be.

We made it to the arena, we bought our merch, we saw Wet Leg and then "Bohemian Rhapsody" started blasting through the speakers and that was the moment I realized it was happening. Tears started filling my eyes and i was content. I felt relief.

That night was the best night of my life. I had the chance to experience it with some of my favorite people on the planet and I'm so thankful for that. It was an emotional rollercoaster. I remember crying my eyes out as i was holding my sister's hand when he sang "Sign Of The Times" and then screaming at the tops of lungs the lyrics of "Medicine" and dancing with my best friends. And my tears hadn't even dried on my cheeks yet! He was spectacular. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was so emotional and he made us even more emotional. His voice was angelic. The thing about H's voice is that you can't believe he can express so much emotion. He calms your fears, he makes you believe that everything is gonna be alright, he makes you feel that whatever you're feeling is important. He is a comfort hug, a kiss you need, a look that makes you feel safe.

I'm writing this today and I still can't believe I was there. It was so special. He made it special for us and we made it special for him. We make each other feel seen always.

Love On Tour Forever. 🤍

xoxo Nancy

P.S Thank you for listening

P.S 2 I couldn't imagine I would cry some much when he played "Fine Line"

[with-eyes-wide-open]

Filthy/Gorgeous

(1 October 2022)

T*mblr blocked the content... You’ll have to go to YouTube.

Sex is such a block for me right now. Don’t have that drive like I used to. Is something wrong with me? I’m only in my mid-twenties. Maybe I’m just blocked. Emotionally. Spiritually. The expectation to be hyper sexual. Maybe just an aspect of my life not to focus on right now. Of course I’m not focussing on dating right now. But you’d at least think I could still enjoy the other. Nope. Feels like I just need to let go of it. Letting go.

Said yes to working in the café today. Kind of regretted saying yes. Tomorrow I’ll definitely say no. And Monday. Had planned to wake up early this morning. Woke up naturally at like 7.30. Should have got straight out of bed. Because it never ends up feeling worth staying in bed. We’ve established this much. Non aver rimpianti. Accepting what is. Moving on. This evening I can have some really nice food and get some work done. 

I can probably get some work done this morning for an hour. Yep I’ll have a full hour. Will write until 9.30. Will make some breakfast. Will work for an hour or so. Get ready and then go to work. Better than nothing. I’ll have still been with myself for an hour and a half before work.

Someone is sorting out the dishwasher and putting things away downstairs in the kitchen. So noisy. Don’t they know I’m trying to concentrate? Joking. Couldn’t care less. Why is this getting silly now.

Saw Sexy Scorpio last night at the National Gallery. Feel so lucky that we live in the same city now, and that we can see each other more often. I realised how hard it is for me to concentrate when there’s distractions. Looking at all the paintings I just couldn’t tell a story in a straight line. And we all know how hard it is for me to tell a story quickly and succinctly.

Doubt about whether to apply. Will be up against people with fully developed practices. Also found out that the open day falls on a day I’m working on that production. What should I do? The first sign of doubt is like an alcoholic taking their first drink. Maybe not quite but the sentiment still holds. I do think I have to be wary of the competition. Perhaps I should work on my work as if I’m going to apply, then see if I feel ready to or not. I have 16 images to upload. I could aim for 8 paintings in total, and for each take a close up. I could also show some digital sculpture work. Show on two of the paintings how I’ve worked to realise they. I could also submit the image of a text. Hm, maybe not. As I will have the opportunity to write a text as part of the application, I think.

So the conclusion is... Act as if I’m applying. Find out the open day dates, the deadline dates. Find replacements to go for me instead, if I can’t go. Create a weekly schedule to achieve the goals. There’s my plan.

Have a cold. I think. Or at least the start of one. Going to eat an amazing breakfast and make myself look so f*cking hot today. Not for any reason in particular, but for myself of course. I may not have the biggest libido at the minute, but the least I can do is feel sexy.

[xxwhisper255xx]

Huma Fanfic- Goodnight

Audrey didn’t quite know what to make of her new roommate. She knew that she was the daughter of a sea witch, had a pirate crew, and apparently destroyed cotillion. There were worse roommates to have.

Uma mainly kept to herself, staying on her side of the dorm and avoiding conversation with the princess. It seemed to be going smoothly.

The first time Uma left their dorm at 9:30 at night, Audrey didn’t think anything of it. She was probably just getting a drink or something, and she returned just before curfew at ten o’clock. But this became a routine. After a week of the same thing, Audrey was starting to get suspicious. What was so important that she needed to do right before curfew? Was she planning some villainous act? Trying to take over Auradon like Mal and her friends did?Sometimes she worried that Uma wouldn’t return in time, but her roommate always managed to slip in the door just before ten. Her paranoia and curiosity eventually won over and Audrey decided to follow her.

Audrey followed Uma down the multiple corridors of Auradon prep. They had already past the kitchen and the entrance that led outside, but Uma hadn’t show any sign of slowing down. It wasn’t until they were in the section where the male dorms were that she stopped. Audrey quickly ducked behind the corner and watched in confusion as Uma approached one of the doors. What were they doing outside the boys dormitories?

Peeking around the corner, she realised that Uma has disappeared into the dorm. Audrey crept closer and found that it was slightly open, just enough for her to peek inside. She glanced through the crack, trying to stay as quiet as possible. The first thing she saw was Gil passed out on one of the beds. He drooled on his pillow, making the princess grimace. Uma appeared at his bedside, pulling blankets over the sleeping pirate. After he was tucked in, Audrey’s eyes followed Uma to the other side of the room. Harry Hook sat on the other bed, fiddling with his hook, which had been dulled when they arrived in Auradon. She watched as Uma sat beside him and they talked in quiet voices, not wanting to wake up Gil.

She looked back up just in time to see Uma embrace her first mate. He buried his face in her neck and squeezed her tighter. Audrey was shocked at the intimacy, not expecting to see a VK look so vulnerable. She stepped back, suddenly feeling bad for intruding on such a personal moment. A few moments later she heard Uma’s voice become clearer as the pirate moved towards the door. “... get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Audrey jumped back and darted down the hall, back to her room. Uma closed the door behind her just as the pink blur disappeared around the corner. She furrowed her eyebrows and sped back to her dorm. When Uma returned to her room right at 9.59, Audrey was sitting on her bed, pretending to read. The two girls’ eyes met, and Audrey froze. It felt like she could see right through her. The princess looked back, and the look of understanding in her eyes was enough to make Uma relax. The two went to bed without a word.

——

It was a few weeks later when Uma’s routine was suddenly knocked off balance. The two girls sat on their beds, Audrey writing in her diary and Uma doing homework for her goodness class. As an unspoken rule, neither had mentioned Uma’s nightly visits.

A loud static filled the room before Fairy Godmother’s voice came through the sound system.

“Attention, Auradon Prep. As we will be expecting some royals on campus for a meeting tomorrow, I expect all students to be in bed by 9.30 so you can wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed! Thank you, have sweet dreams.”

Once the sound cut out, Audrey glanced over at Uma. The pirate was glaring at her homework, her eyebrows furrowed.

“Uma, are you alright?” Audrey asked softly. The pirate looked back at her with a calmness that looked completely fake.

“Course, Princess.” She said, scoffing like the question was ridiculous.

Audrey frowned. She didn’t know why it was so important for Uma to see the boys every night, but she knew that it had to be big if she was like this.

“I’m sure they’ll be okay.” The princess said hesitantly. It was the first time either of them had directly mentioned Uma’s nightly visits. She immediately regretted breaking their unspoken agreement.

“I know,” Uma replied, collecting her work and dumping it on the desk. Audrey felt relief at her response and followed suit, putting her diary away before climbing into her bed. She glanced over at Uma once she was settled, but all she could see was her roommate’s back. Audrey sighed and rolled over, drifting off to a peaceful sleep.

——

It had only been a couple hours when her sleep was interrupted by a horrific scream. Audrey sat up quickly, looking around for danger. Finding none, her eyes landed on Uma.

Uma was still asleep, but she was panting and gasping for air. Her hand was reaching around for a weapon or something. “No! Don’t touch them!” She shrieked to an invisible threat.

Audrey leaped out of her bed and raced over, grabbing Uma’s arm.

“Uma, it’s okay, you’re okay,” she said, shaking the pirate. Uma trashed harder, tears now pouring down her face.

Audrey had to think fast. She knew that Uma wouldn’t want Fairy Godmother or Mal (who’s dorm was the closest) to see her like this, so they were out of the question. Suddenly, the obvious answer struck her and she stood up.

“I’ll be right back, okay?” She told the pirate, before dashing out of the room.

Audrey ran barefoot down the hallway, trying to remember the room number she was looking for. Spotting what she hoped was the right door, she skidded to a stop and knocked urgently. It took about ten seconds for the door to be opened, revealing a sleepy Harry Hook, looking confused at her sudden appearance.

“What do I owe the pleasure, princess?” He grumbled. She had no doubt that it looked weird, showing up at his door in her silk pink pjs at two AM.

“It’s Uma,” she barely got the words out before he suddenly became wide awake. Before she could say anything else, he had already pushed past her and was running down the hall. Audrey pulled herself together and followed him, having trouble keeping up with him.

She reached her doorway, panting. Harry was already beside Uma’s bed.

“Uma,” he whispered, sitting down and pulling her into his arms.

“It’s alright, captain. We’re in Auradon. You’re safe,” he continued to reassure her in whispers that Audrey couldn’t hear. “Harry?” Uma mumbled, her eyes opening.

“Right here, love. You just had a bad dream, is all.”

Uma choked on a sob and dropped her face onto his bare chest, her breathing still rapid. Audrey stood in the doorway, feeling like an intruder in her own room.

“I’ll get her some water,” she said, not sure if either of them even heard her.

——

When Audrey returned, she was met with only quiet. She opened the door and stepped in on her tiptoes, not wanting to disturb them. The two pirates were curled up on Uma’s bed, the girl in question being sound asleep. Harry looked up from his captain and met Audrey’s gaze. She tried to smile, lifting the glass of water.

“Is she okay?” She asked, looking at Uma asleep on his chest.

“Yeah. You did the right thing, comin’ to get me.” He told her, gratefully.

Audrey nodded, placing the glass of water at Uma’s bedside.

“So I assume you’re staying?” She asked politely, not wanting to sound like she was trying to kick him out.

“Anyone gonna know?” He asked, tightening his hold on his captain as if the very idea of leaving her was impossible.

Audrey chuckled and moved to her own bed.

“I won’t tell if you won’t,”

Harry gave her a small smile before looking down at Uma.

Audrey watched them for a second before speaking hesitantly.

“Has this happened before?” She questioned, her curiosity getting the better of her. Harry was silent for a moment and she wondered if she had overstepped a boundary.

“Happens on occasion, but it’s usually the other way ‘round.” He said finally. “There was always someone on the ship that woke up screaming.”

“Is that why she visits you guys every night?” Audrey spoke before she could stop herself. When Harry didn’t show a notable reaction to her question, she guessed that Uma had told him she knew.

“Yeah. We used to share a room back on the ship, but we can’t do that here so seeing her is the best she can do to help stop me from havin’ nightmares. I guess it helped her too.”

Audrey wondered if he was revealing all of this because he was tired, or if he really trusted her with that information. Either way, she was beginning to understand her roommate a little bit more.

“Goodnight, Harry,” she said, getting back into her bed. She heard him respond quietly before she fell into a deep sleep.

——

“Is everything okay? We heard noises from your dorm last night,” Mal asked at breakfast the next morning. Audrey saw Uma and Harry tense up across from her and jumped in.

“Yeah, it’s fine. I started sleep walking and Uma woke me up. Sleep issues seem to run in my family,” she glared playfully at Mal, who laughed in response.

The topic of conversation shifted quickly and Uma met Audrey’s eyes, nodding in thanks. The princess smiled back. The two girls shared a mutual respect, and Audrey knew that this was only the beginning of their friendship

[natashxromanovf]

Injuries

Pairing: Sirius Black× fem! reader

Warnings: swearing, vomiting, alcohol, injuries

Word count: 2k

A/N: I’m kinda proud of this one. I can definitely see the progress. I hope you like it! I started writing it 2 weeks ago, but lost motivation and now I’m here finishing it today. Also @voidmalfoy wanted to be tagged in here. Thank you for deciding to read it.

You and Sirius were best friends since the second year. You have never imagined him as something else. Something more.

Your dorm was very bright from the sun shining through the windows. You could feel the warmth on your body. It was a perfect afternoon.

“Hey Y/N.”

“Hello, Marlene”

“I need to ask you something” 

“Sure”

“What’s going on with you and Sirius?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, are you two a couple or something?”

“What?” the question caught you off guard. “No. You know we are not.”

“Babe, I have seen the way you’re looking at him. You look like your heart is about to melt into your hands.”

“What, no-” and then it hit. The realization that you are, indeed, in love with your best friend. it didn’t happen all of a sudden, no. The feelings were built through the years. It started with a little crush, you developed in fifth year. You pushed it at the back of your mind, convincing yourself it’ll go away. But it didn’t. It just kept growing and growing, until it was too big for you to deny it anymore.   

“Fuck” you sighed “No, no, no this is not happening! It can’t be happening. I can’t. He doesn’t feel the same I’m just going to end up heartbroken.” a million thoughts were running through your head. But the loudest and strongest one was He doesn’t feel the same. How am I gonna tell him?

You decided not to worry about it. Not tonight. Tonight is time for fun. The marauders planed one hell of a good party (Sirius was in charge of the drinks, Remus planned the whole thing and James and Peter made sure that teachers won’t hear a thing) and there’s no way you are gonna ruin yourself the night. Tonight is time for drinking and celebrating Gryffindor's win in the match against Ravenclaw. 

When you got there the common room was already pretty full. Your eyes started to search for Sirius before you even realized it. And there he was, flirting with a girl as always. The new feeling hit you. You immediately knew what it was. It felt like a stab in the chest, like someone was trying to tear your heart out of your chest. No, don’t you thought. What did I promise myself? You got lost in your thoughts before someone tapped your shoulder.

“Hey Y/N/N.”

“Oh, hey Lily.”

She looked at Sirius and then at your face. “Marls told me” she sighed.

“Oh news travels fast around here.” you rolled your eyes.

“Let’s go somewhere else. Drinks!”

Soon all of your friends joined. You danced, drank, you had fun. Maybe a little too much. You tripped and fell, but somebody caught you.

“Wow, you okay, love?”

Sirius.

“Yeah, I’m all good, Siri” you giggled. Trying to steady yourself, you once again lost balance but there were hands quickly to wrap around your waist.

“Okay, I think you had enough.”

What? No. I didn’t know you were such a party killer.”

“Believe me, I’m not, but I think you should go up.”

“Whatever.” He escorted you.

“Thank-” you couldn’t even finish the sentence. As soon as you came up you ran straight to the bathroom. You don’t tolerate alcohol very well. You knew that. You started throwing up and someone's hands grabbed your hair.

“See. Told you.” joked Sirius but there was a hint of worry in his voice.

“I’m okay. Thank you.” you smiled. “But I think I’m gonna stay here for a little bit. I don’t think it’s over yet.”

“Then I’m staying too.” he sounded pretty sober, looking at a fact he drank nearly as much as you.

“No, you don’t have to. Go, have some more fun.”

“It’s okay.”

“You sure?” you raised your eyebrows.

“Yes.” 

Soon your urge to puke went away so you fell asleep. 

The morning came quicker than you wanted. Your head was pounding and you felt sick. What you didn’t expect was to wake up to the black-haired boy sleeping on the floor beside your bed. You couldn’t help yourself but stare at the beautiful being sleeping in front of you.  

No worries, no school, no quiddi- “Quidditch!!” you shouted “Sirius wake up! Wake up, idiot!” you screamed, throwing a pillow in his face.

“What?!”

“Quidditch, Sirius, quidditch” 

He looked at you confused.

“Practice, James saying it was important, don’t you remember??”

“Oh, shit!”

“YES! We have exactly five minutes to get ready. Oh God, my head! Do you have any painkillers?

“Yes, in my dorm. We get ready and then meet me down in five?"

“Yes, now go!”

As fast as you could, you got ready, took your broom, and ran down the stairs. Sirius was already waiting for you with a water bottle and three pain killers. “Thanks.”

“No worries, now run.”

--------------------------------------------------

“Where have you been!?! You’re late!”

“I know, I’m so sorry James”

“Do you even have a good excuse? I told you this training is very important!”

“Does hangover count?” half-joked, half asked Sirius.

“What? Oh, the party. No, it doesn’t count! And where even were you, you didn’t come back to our dorm last night.”

The boy looked at you and then started speaking “In girls’ dorm.”

“What were you- You know what I don’t wanna know, just get ready quick!”

You quickly swallowed the medications, saddled the broom, and pushed yourself from the ground. 

--------------------------------------------------

The practice was quite enjoyable. The fresh air helped with your headache. Or was it just the medications, you didn’t know. The ending of the practice was approaching when James called you all down for a quick word. 

“So, many of you are probably wondering why the hell was this training so important. No, it wasn’t just because I wanted to have it, it was also because professor Mcgonagall informed me, that Hufflepuff’s seeker broke her arm, so they can’t play in their game against Slytherin next week. Which means that we have to play instead of them. 

You enjoyed playing quidditch. Tho matches against Slytherin were never fun. It always ended with at least half of the team in the hospital wing. By any chance, that half of the team often included you. The raven-haired boy, who stood next to you, bumped your shoulder.

“Excited for the game, y/l/n”

“I don’t know, these matches always end the same.”

“With injuries and annoyed Madam Pomfrey.” you two said in sync. The laughter filled your lungs, echoing through the changing room.

--------------------------------------------------

The week went through pretty boring yet normal. Lessons, tons of homework, intense practices, a couple of pranks, and fun evenings with friends. Saturday came again quickly and nerves settled into your body. You were tense, anyone could see that from a mile away. You tried to eat, but your stomach refused. 

“Come on darling, relax.” said Sirius massaging your shoulders and neck.

“I don’t even know why I’m so stressed, it’s just a normal game. But I have a feeling something will go terribly wrong!”

“Hey, hey, look at me” whisper- yelled Sirius. “Everything is going to be okay. You’ll do good, I’ll do good, James’ll do good.” staring at those beautiful grey eyes of his, you calmed. They took your worries away and your lips formed a gentle smile. His expression soon mirrored yours, looking away from you.

“Thank you so much Pads, I have no idea how you do it but it works. You’re the only person that can calm me.” He would probably throw some flirty remark back if James hadn’t cut him off.

“Attention, attention my dear teammates. The match will take place at 9.30 so we have exactly 30 minutes-”

“29″

“29 minutes, thank you, Williams, to get ready. So lift your ass up, take your brooms and lets go to changing rooms!” James yelled, clearly determined to win today's game. He can be sweet and nice but when it comes to quidditch there is no joke.

When you changed into quidditch ropes the team went through all your tactics again. Soon enough you heard Madam Hooch's whistle that announced the game is gonna begin. Two captains shook hands, roughly than they should.

The game was pretty tight Gryffindor only leading by 10 points. If James doesn't catch the snitch soon you're all screwed.

"Williams throwing a quaffle to y/n, y/n passing it to Andrews and Andrews right back to y/n... And y/n scores!! The result is now 180 for Gryffindor and 160 for Slytherin." Right as the commentator announced your goal you saw James diving after something very small, something golden... a snitch! "And Potter caught the snitch, Gryffindor wins!!" Loud cheering was heard from all directions. Cheering people in scarlet and gold, some Gryffindors some even Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs.

Right as you were about to land someone knocked you from your broom. As you started falling you saw a familiar face behind you. You didn't give it much a thought tho as blackness took over all your senses.

--------------------------------------------------

The moment you woke up you felt a pair of familiar hands around your own. Your head was pounding, your vision was blurry and you had to blink a couple more times than normal. You tried to sit up but your body strongly disagreed.

"Siri? What happened?" the black-haired boy quickly looked up and a smile formed on his face.

"You're awake, thank god." he said with such a caring voice and your stomach immediately started doing flips. "You were diving when somebody knocked you off your broom. Nobody saw who it was tho." as the memories started forming themselves in your mind you remembered who you saw. It was Goyle.

"I know who it was. But you have to promise me you won't do anything stupid!" Sirius' face darkened. Hesitatingly he said "I promise. Now please tell me."

"It was Goyle." Goyle has always been short-tempered. He probably couldn't take the Slytherin's loss so he took his anger out on you.

"I'm gonna kill him! That son of a bitch. I knew it, I knew it!!"

"Sirius Black! You promised you won't do anything stupid. Now please calm down. Nothing bad happened."

"Nothing bad happened?! Y/n you're in a hospital wing!"

"Yea, but I'm okay." That was obviously a lie. Every part of your body hurts. With every move, every word, something hurts. As you could saw, Sirius didn't buy it but decided to play along anyway.

"Oh, you're okay? Fine, then please sit up for me."

Again you tried but couldn't do it. "I can't."

"Oh, I know you can't." a smirk appeared on his face but was soon replaced with a worried expression. "You fell from 8 meters, you can't be okay."

"You know me too well, it's creepy really. You know more about me than I do myself." he laughed, leaving you no other choice than to join him.

"Please don't make me laugh, it hurts." you said through chuckles and pain.

Soon enough, you both calmed down and a comforting silence fell over you two. That was until Sirius interrupted "You got me worried there, you know."

"I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault what in the world are you sorry for, love?"

"Don't know. For destroying a happy feeling after our win?"

"You didn't. I'm just happy you'll be okay." he smiled. Overwhelmed with emotions you said something you didn't intend to. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"No Sirius, I'm in love with you." no stopping now, you thought. He was caught by surprise, hundreds of thoughts running through his mind. You miss judged the silence, looking away with glassy eyes. He broke out of his thoughts by the sight of you almost crying.

"I- I'm in love with you too."

"What?" you have to hear him say it again. Was this just your head playing with you? You waited so long for these words to come out of his mouth, you didn't know if they were real.

"I love you too." he said right before pressing his lips against yours. It didn't take you long to melt into the kiss. Your lips felt like they were made for each other.

Like you two were made for each other.

[pitubea1910]

Those days

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Words: 1k

Warning: fluff 

Request: -

Tags: -

Note: it’s not my best work at all but I was on my period and came up with this. I wanted to share it with you so I hope you like it :) Please share!

If any of you want to be on my tag list let me know, but I’ll only add those who interact with the stories with reblogs and/or comments. 

MASTERLIST

You didn’t sign up for this.

It just didn’t come in the contract you signed when you were born. Yeah, you were up for hangovers, headaches, anything… but when had you signed up to be a bloody mess every single month for half of your life?

It sucked. Being on your period sucked in every single way possible. Especially, the first few days of that long ass week. All you wanted to do was staying in bed, eating all the sugary food in the world, watching rom-coms all day and cuddled up in Tom’s arms. Of course, that last part was impossible when he was busy filming.

Going to Atlanta with him while he filmed the second Spider-Man movie had been a great decision. You both had had a really hard time when you had to be away when he was away for so long to make the last Avengers movie. Back then, you had only been dating for a few months and even if he wasn’t gone for too long since he wasn’t that much in the movie, it was the longest months of your life.

It all was different this time. You were together in Atlanta, living in the apartment he had rented for the time you were going to be living there. It had only been three weeks, but you had never been happier. At least until you bloody friend decided to join the party.

“What can I do?” Tom asked at six in the morning when you had left the bed to take some painkillers for the cramps.

“Nothing”, you sighed, cuddling up to him when you went back to bed.

He sighed and wrapped his arms around you, rubbing your back in a soothing way that had you sleeping in no time. He didn’t really go back to sleep since he had to be on set in less than two hours, but he spent all the time he could hugging you, trying to make you feel as comfortable as possible given the circumstances.

Tom knew how bad your periods were since he had been through many of them with you in the year and a half you had been together, but he had never been with you during a whole day, let alone a whole period. It was the first time he saw how bad your cramps were, how moody you were and how terrible it was for you. It made him feel so useless.

“Babe…” he whispered an hour later when his alarm went off and you stirred a bit. “I have to get up.”

“Already?” You whispered back, not opening your eyes.

“Yes”, he said after placing a kiss on your head. “I’m so sorry”. He added.

“Don’t worry”, you said and kissed his bare chest softly. “When will you be back?” You asked opening your eyes a little to look at him.

“I don’t know”, he honestly said. “As soon as possible, but…”

“But you’re Spider-Man”, you sighed. “I know, don’t worry”, you said.

“You’re okay?” He asked.

You nodded with your eyes back closed. He knew you weren’t okay, that you were only saying so to make him feel better, which wasn’t working at all. But he couldn’t stay home, it didn’t matter how much he wanted to. Yet, it took him all his strength to pull himself from you and get out of bed.

He took a quick shower and a quick breakfast, since he always had time to eat some more on set. Before leaving, he went back to the room where you had fallen back asleep. With a small smile, he went back to the kitchen to take a page from the notebook where you used to write the grocery lists and wrote a quick note for you. Then, he walked into the room and put it on his pillow before kissing your hair softly, trying not to wake you up, and finally walked out of the apartment. He was already late.

***

It was 9.30 a.m. when you woke up again. Taking the painkiller had been a big help and it had allowed you to rest for a couple of hours at least, but you still didn’t feel like leaving your bed. Usually, you would do your morning routine and some studying before going to set to have lunch with Tom and spend the rest of the afternoon and evening with him there, but not today.

You rolled over to his side of the bed to bury your face in his pillow, which still had his scent, and smiled a little. It was then when you touched a piece of paper you hadn’t seen. With a curious frown on your forehead, you took it and smiled as you recognised Tom’s handwriting.

“I’ll be back as soon as possible with chocolates and enough candy to feed a country for a year. I love you so much, babe. Tom.”

He really was the sweetest guy you had ever met. You took the phone from your bedside table and texted him: just got up and I’m already craving those candies. Love you xx.” You knew he wasn’t going to text back right away since he was busy filming, so you forced yourself to get out of the bed to take a shower.

***

“You’re distracted today”, Zendaya told Tom once they had finished filming a scene.

Tom had got to set that morning with his mind on you and he hadn’t been able to focus completely on the movie, which was causing a bit of delay. Usually he would pull himself together and do his job, but he felt awful for leaving you alone.

“Yeah, everything okay?” Harrison asked coming over to give him some water, like he used to do when they finished a scene.

“Yeah”, he nodded. “Do you have my phone?”

“Yeah”, Harrison said before giving him the device.

Tom unlocked it to see the text you had sent him a while ago. He smiled a little and texted back immediately. At least, it looked like you were feeling a bit better. Although it was really impossible to know from a simple text.

“Tom, we know you” Zendaya said, her arms crossed over her chest.

“It’s…” Tom sighed and locked his phone. “It’s just that (Y/N) is not feeling well today and I feel bad leaving her alone”, he finally explained.

“What’s wrong?” Harrison asked with a frown. “She was okay yesterday when I left your apartment.”

“She’s on her period”, Tom said with a shrug. “And I don’t know what to do.”

“To be honest, there’s not much you can do”, Harrison said. Tom glared at him. “Don’t look at me like that. You have to work!”

“Actually…” Zendaya said with a look that meant she was coming up with some idea. “You could try and do something.”

“What?” Tom asked.

“Why don’t you talk to Jon and ask for a day off?” She said.

“He won’t give it to me. I play Peter, I’m in almost every scene”, Tom said.

“Do you have anything to lose? It’s not like you’re yourself anyway”, Zendaya shrugged. “Just ask him. The worst-case scenario, you have to stay. But if he says yes, you can go back to (Y/N).”

***

Just like you had imagined, you had spent the whole morning in bed with Netflix on TV. You had almost finished the fifth season of Friends when you got up to go to the bathroom. It didn’t matter if you hadn’t done anything, you still felt exhausted, but it was how you always felt on these days. It was like you had ran the New York marathon without leaving the bed.

Of course, the fact that you had to spend the day alone didn’t help. You would never hold it against Tom. You knew it was impossible for him to stay home, but you missed him so much you wished he was there.

When you left the bathroom, you went to the kitchen to make yourself some tea. It would always relieve some of the cramps. Of course, taking a painkiller would be more effective, but you had already taken one that morning, so you didn’t want to take another one just yet. A tea would have to make it.

As you waited for the water to boil, you looked out of the window. It was a bright sunny day there in Atlanta, not as hot as Tom had told you it could be, but it was still pretty warm. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the thought of Tom in the suit. He would be boiling. With a smile, you took your phone from the counter to text him, but you stopped when you heard the door of the apartment opening.

Your face probably was worth taking a photo when you saw Tom walking in with a full plastic bag on his hand. He closed the door, left the keys on the counter next to it and turned to walk straight to the room where he probably thought you were. Instead, he saw you on the kitchen, looking at him like you had just seen a ghost.

“Surprise!” He said with a big smile.

“What?” You mumbled, making him laugh.

He walked over to the kitchen and left the bag on the counter. Then, he turned off the kettle, which was already boiling but you had obviously forgotten about it.

“What are you doing here?” You finally asked.

“I asked Jon if I could have a day off to be with you”, he simply said.

“But… I, I don’t understand”, you said.

With a smile, he got closer to you and wrapped both arms around your waist before kissing your forehead. Then, he told you about what had happened on set, about how distracted he was, his conversation with Zendaya and Harrison and how he had ended up asking Jon for a day off to be with you.

“He didn’t really like the idea, to be honest”, he then said. “But it turns out that Zendaya can be quite persuasive if you ask me.”

“And… so, you’re going to spend the day here? With me?” You asked.

“And I didn’t come alone”, he said pulling away from you, which only increased your confusion.

Tom took the bag he had previously set on the counter and started taking all kind of candy from it. Oreos, gummy bears, pop-tarts, ice cream, cupcakes, chocolates. Indeed, it could feed you for a whole month with what he had bought.

“Everything for my best girl”, he said when you asked him why he had brought all that. “Now… choose a rom-com while I make popcorns.”

“Stupid, Crazy Love?” You asked.

“I knew it”, he winked. You smiled widely and were about to go to the room when he grabbed you by your wrist, pulling you back to him. “I love you”, he said looking down at you.

“I love you too”, you smiled widely before kissing him. “But Ryan Gosling awaits”, you said against his lips and walked quickly towards the room, making Tom laugh.

“When you think of Gosling, think of who brough you Oreos!” He exclaimed.

[resilientdolan]

Drown (G.D) - part 9

A/N: i’m mad again writing this part smh

Word-count: 1.8k

Summary: After a night well spent together, he broke her heart once again.

Tags: @bingexdolan @prettyboydolan @goldenndolan @evergreendolan @grantsairforce @3ooda97 @nikesbailey @abstractstardiva

———————————————————————

The phone rings wake Grayson up in the morning. He lazily takes a quick look at the clock on his wall, only to find out it’s only 7.30 in the morning. He usually drags himself out of his bed around 8 during weekends, so he considers 7.30 is too early for a phone call. But as soon as he notices the caller, he immediately answers it.

“Hello?,” he greets the other person with his raspy, morning voice.

“Baby, can you please pick me up at the airport?,” Isla begs on the other side of the line. “I’m here already.”

Grayson brings his hand up to his face, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand as he mumbles, “Baby? I thought you’re supposed to be here at 9.30?,” he remembers exactly that she told him that her flight arrival’s supposed to be at 9.30.

“Surprise!,” Isla giggles.

“It’s not even my birthday,” he chuckles.

“I missed you, pretty please? I can’t wait to attack your face with kisses,” Isla continues to beg. “We can have breakfast at Maywood later? I’ve been craving for their pancakes,” she suggests.

Grayson shifts his gaze to Bianca; asleep, being wrapped around his arm. His lips form into a smile as he watches her sleeping peacefully beside him. He keeps his arm wrapped around her in her sleep, only to make sure that she’s okay.

“Baby?,” Isla calls for him once again, noticing his silence.

“Yeah?,” he quickly turns his focus back to his girlfriend.

“Can we? Can we?,” she’s getting impatient.

“Uh... yeah, yeah, sure. Breakfast, right?,” he confirms.

“Yeah,” she replies.

“Alright, I’ll see you soon, babe,” he nods, though he knows that she can’t see it. As soon as he hangs up, he turns his gaze back to the girl sleeping beside him.

He promised her last night.

But it’s only picking Isla up from the airport, breakfast, and it’ll be over, right?

So he quietly drags himself out of his bed, not wanting to wake her up since she deserves the rest. He gives her forehead another kiss before he disappears into the bathroom to take a quick shower.

———————————————————————

It’s nearly 10 am.

Bianca’s finally wakes up, only to find her lying alone on Grayson’s bed. She remembers the fact that she fell asleep in his arms that night but he’s nowhere to be found.

Where is he?

Bianca eagerly jumps out of his bed, heading out of his bedroom to find him. He promised her that he’ll drive her to the hospital. So maybe he woke up early to do a little work out before he takes her to the hospital.

She takes a quick look to the backyard through the window from the hallway. Grayson usually has his work out session in their backyard, but she can’t find him there. There’s no one in the backyard.

Maybe he’s taking a shower?

She knocks on the bathroom door, calling for his name. “Grayson?,” she calls. “Are you there?”

There’s nothing but silence.

“Gray?,” she calls once again. She turns the doorknob and finds out the door is unlocked; which means he isn’t there as well. And that’s when she hears some sound coming downstairs, from the kitchen.

Is he there? Preparing breakfast?

She quickly runs down the stairs, making her way to the kitchen, only to find his twin brother sitting on a stool, having a plate of french toast

“Morning, Bi!,” he greets her with a smile on his face.

“Morning, E,” she replies as she hops onto the other stool.

“You woke up late, are you okay?,” he glances over at her as he continues to munch on his toast.

“I’m okay, i’m okay... Hey, where’s Grayson?,” Bianca speaks as she looks around. Her gaze shifts quickly to the family dining room, looking for the other twin.

“He’s out. He’s picking Isla up from the airport,” Ethan casually replies. He grabs his phone from the counter, scrolling down through Instagram.

“Oh...,” she responds in disappointment. Why didn’t he tell her that he has to pick her up? He promised that he’ll take her to the hospital.

“What’s wrong?,” Ethan senses sadness in her eyes.

“No, nothing...,” she shakes her head.

“You sure?,” he squints his eyes, observing her facial expression. Bianca nods her head.

And that’s when her phone beeps.

A message from Grayson.

“Bi, I’m so sorry that I had to leave you. I had to pick Isla up from the airport and she wanted to have some pancakes from Maywood. I’ll be home before 1, and we can go to the hospital, okay?”

You sigh deeply. Sometimes it drives you crazy; the fact that he makes you upset, but you can do nothing about it. You’re just his bestfriend, and it feels like you have no right to be mad at him for choosing his own girlfriend.

“Bianca, you okay?,” Ethan feels the need to make sure that she’s okay. And she only gives him a slight nod.

“I’m okay, Ethan... I just need to take shower, and wait for Grayson to come back. He promised me that he’ll drive me to the hospital to see my Grandma,” Bianca gives him a thin smile as she hops off the counter.

“Okay,” Ethan replies as he watches her walking out of the kitchen. He knows something’s wrong, but he decides to remain silent.

———————————————————————

“Baby, I missed you,” Isla mumbles gently as she continues to attack Grayson’s face with kisses. After breakfast at Maywood, Grayson drove her home, he knows that he promised Bianca that he’ll take her to the hospital.

But here he is. In Isla’s bed. With her sitting on his lap, her legs wrapped around his waist.

“I missed you too, babe,” Grayson replies. He rests his hands on her waist to support her. Isla gives him another smile before she leans a bit closer to plant a gentle, yet quite passionate kiss, onto Grayson’s lips.

His phone, which he put on her nightstand lights up as soon as it receives a new notification.

A text message from Bianca.

Grayson sneakily takes a quick glance at his phone screen as soon as he breaks the kiss, reading her reply to his previous text.

“Alright, Gray. I’m ready to go :) I’ll be waiting for you”

He’s not supposed to be here. He knows it.

“Isla...,” he calls her softly, moving his hand up to her cheek as he continues, “Baby, I gotta go. I need to do groceries, Mom asked me to do so,” he lies.

Isla pokes out her bottom lip as she rests her hand on Grayson’s cheek. “It can wait,” she begs him.

“Isla, please,” he sighs.

Isla remains silent, but she quickly gets off of his lap. Grayson takes his phone from the nightstand as he gets up, but Isla isn’t giving up... yet.

“Grayson?,” she looks up at him. He turns around to face her.

Isla tugs onto the edge of his t-shirt, pulling him closer back to her as she mumbles, “Gray, I need you.”

Not that word, Isla.

“Baby, please?,” she gets up from her bed, and snakes her arms around his neck. She eagerly wraps her legs around his waist to cling onto him.

“I need you right now, Grayson,” she whimpers as she begins to grind her hips against his.

Grayson sinks his teeth into his lower lip, mumbling under his breath, “Fuck it.”

With that, he crashes his lips against hers, kissing her roughly, with a strong passion as he throws her onto her bed.

———————————————————————

5 missedcalls from Bianca Reine.

10 text messages from Bianca Reine.

“Gray, i’m ready! :)”

“Can we get more Sonic’s burgers before we go to the hospital? I’m p hungry :(“

“Graysoooon, can we? can we?”

“Where are you :(“

“Grayson, are you okay?”

“Are you going to drive me to the hospital?”

“Gray, answer me”

“Grayson”

“Grayson, pick up the call, please :(“

“If you’re busy, it’s fine, I’ll go there on my own”

Grayson punches his steering wheel once he notices that Bianca tried to contact him. He quickly starts his car and drives back home. He promised her that he’ll be at home before 1. But here he is, still on his way back home, and it’s nearly 5 pm.

He should’ve just said no to Isla. He promised her. And he doesn’t want to make her sad again and again.

As soon as he arrives at home, he parks his car and hops out of the driver seat. As he makes his way towards the porch, he can hear someone crying, like real cry, with sobs.

If he steps in and find Bianca crying because of him, he’ll hate himself real bad.

So he walks in, finding Bianca, Ethan, and his Mom in the living room. The three of them are sitting on the couch. Ethan’s arm is wrapped around Bianca, as she sobs into his shoulder. Lisa, who’s sitting next to Bianca, runs her hand up and down Bianca’s back to give her soothing rubs.

“Mom? What’s wrong?,” Grayson frowns. He knows there must be something worse other than him breaking his promise to her that she cries that hard. He knows Bianca isn’t a crybaby.

“They took her Grandma to the ICU, and she’s having panic attack,” Lisa whispers to Grayson as she continues to rub her back.

“Ethan, I—I want to s—see her,” Bianca mumbles into his shoulder. “G—Gray promised me that h—he’d take me to the hospital to see h—her,” she sobs. She has no idea that the man she’s talking about is there.

“Shh, you’ll see her soon, Bi,” Ethan responds. He shoots his twin brother with an angry glare, knowing that he promised her, yet he broke the promise.

“Grayson lied to me...,” Bianca sighs deeply. “Now they took her to the ICU! If only he came home as he promised and drove me there,” she continues to cry.

“H—he lied to me,” Bianca says weakly.

Grayson just stands there in complete silence. It breaks his heart to hear her saying such things. He promised to himself that he’d never hurt her ever again, but here he is.

“Grayson, where were you?,” Lisa turns her gaze to meet Grayson’s. “You promised her, but where were you?,” she interrogates him.

Noticing that Lisa mentions his name, Bianca slowly lifts her head up from Ethan’s shoulder to find Grayson standing awkwardly there in silence.

“I— I was at Isla’s...,” he replies. Bianca can sense hurt in his tone as he speaks.

She quickly gets up, shaking her head quickly as she points at him. With tears rolling down her cheeks, she yells at him. “You lied to me! You told me everything’s gonna be okay!,” she sobs. “You promised me, Grayson!,” she screams.

And there comes one thing that Grayson never expected before, coming out of Bianca’s lips as she storms out of the room.

“I fucking hate you, Grayson Dolan.”

[playquiz]

Why I didn’t eat for 72 hours

At 2:30 pm on Sunday, February 25, she stopped eating for 72 hours until 2:30 pm today, Wednesday, February 28.

Which raises the question: "Why do you do that?"

why not? I love testing my mental stability, and after all, I read about the benefits of more extended fasting, he was eager to take advantage of the positive effects. Why fast? We eat at regular intervals every day for many reasons, but perhaps the main reason is that we have been adapted this way. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner are recognized on the day when most people stop eating, and as if that was not enough, there are also opportunities for food between those meals called "snacks." But there's no fixed biological rule that says we need to eat every 4-6 hours, but we've trained our bodies with these regular eating patterns to feel hungry at these times and because it makes it a more social event. We are told that if we don't eat regularly, all sorts of harmful things that may happen to us for a long time "little and often" is the slogan. But human species would not have survived as long as they exist if regular eating is a necessity. Fasting has never been promoted because it is a concept that no one will make money because it will not contribute to the sales of the comprehensive display of snacks that have become available over the past five years and are worth billions. Many foods in our modern diet (especially cereals and sugars), along with eating always, have made our bodies lazy and have stopped their ability to work in their energy stores. Fasting forces your body to function as it is designed and able to get rid of various sources of fuel. I have tried intermittent fasting for eight years now and have tried many different methods, but so far it has been my most extended speed for 24 hours, usually once a week. The health benefits of fasting As is often known, short-term discomfort can lead to long-term benefits, and this is what attracts me in these crazy experiences, and I like to try them. But much research has shown that there are many benefits to fasting. The body reacts well to acute (non-chronic, which has quite the opposite effect) and exits the other side stronger. Getting out of your comfort zone causes your body to thrive and become weaker as a result of not doing so often enough other parts of our lifestyle, not just in terms of nutritional terms. Self-phagocytosis (literally "self-eating") is central to the benefits of fasting and is essentially a biological process that plays a significant role in the body's ability to detoxify, repair, and renew itself. By activating the autophagy process, your body will start killing or eating cells that accumulate as a result of your lifestyle or cleaning dead, diseased or worn-out cells. But some of these elements are difficult for us to control. It is like our bodies built-in a recycling system that allows us to work more efficiently and help ward off many diseases, including preventing the growth and development of cancer. Not only that, but low autophagy (a condition in which many diets leave us) leads to accelerated cell aging. It's also amazing how much research has focused specifically on how fasting promotes autophagy in the brain and can be a very effective way to slow neurodegeneration that can help protect against Alzheimer's and Parkinson's disease. On top of all this, regular fasting helps reduce chronic pain, rheumatic diseases, high blood pressure and anything related to inflammation. Fasting is much more beneficial than just stimulating the removal of all old cellular parts and damaged toxins, as it stimulates the human growth hormone (which has decreased in my life about 40% since I was in my twenties) which enables our bodies to start producing some of the cells that Recently Renovated, HGH is also responsible for maintaining and building lean muscle mass that when in their forties is not as easy as it used to be. Extended fasting forces the body to use stored glucose and fats, but it also breaks a large portion of white blood cells. If you know the role that white blood cells play about our health, this does not sound good news. Still, the depletion of white blood cells causes changes, even with a short 3-day fast that has been shown to replenish immunity. The system begins with research that indicates the starvation of a kick. The body's stem cells produce new white blood cells, which fight infection. Scientists also found that prolonged fasting also reduces the enzyme PKA, which is associated with aging and a hormone that increases the risk of cancer and tumor growth. But you have to get rid of old things before you start bringing in new ones, so the process of destruction is just as necessary as the process of creation. What stops autophagy? Eating food. It does not take much, and for this, the autophagy is unique to fasting and something. So  How do you fast then? Do not eat anything. Drink only water. Not much, not much. • Do the same activity for you. Sleep as much as you feel you need. I went to live as usual (although it was -8 here in Switzerland so I didn't walk as much as I usually do) and did two sessions about right or wrong body weight, one on the first day and the other on the third day. The advice also tends to make sure you spend a week not eating a lot of carbohydrates, reduce your caloric intake a little and try some short fasting. But I always eat more at this time of year and more carbs, so I didn't follow the rules there either. The only thing that I thought was good is that February is not a month of coffee for me, so there are no caffeine withdrawal symptoms for anxiety. What happened when fasting? Sunday at 2:30 pm they ate the last meal Weight: 57 kg The first day: Monday 6:30 am: Wake up, leave the rest of San Pellegrino from last night. Weight: 56.7 kg 7 am: I had to prepare breakfast for the rest of the family and prepare packed lunches that weren't a big deal today because I wasn't hungry at all and usually don't eat until 10:30 am anyway. 8.30–9.30 am a boot camp with mainly bodyweight exercises but few with extra weight. It was 8 o'clock outside this morning, so we made the indoor choice. As I said, the advice is not to participate in any "formal" exercise, but so far, my day is, as usual, I ignored it. Take sips of water throughout the exercise and may only drink 250ml of water. Midnight: The first sign of hunger as I felt (and heard) my destroyed stomach but wore quickly after two cups of warm water. I discussed putting a slice of lemon in there but then decided I didn't want my taste signal to stimulate my body to digest mode. 2.30 pm: 24 hours of fasting and feel good. It's strange because I did a lot of fasting 24 hours (usually one per week), and I'm always happy when it's time, and I can eat again but this time is different. Since I know, I cannot eat for another two days. My body is not asking for food. I am fascinated to see what "real" hunger looks like. 4:00 pm: I went to buy food! How inappropriate it is for my family to keep eating all this time (totally not suitable for children by the way, just in case you thought this was a serious comment). I bought some of the things I used to breakfast and even seeing a tattoo of all the food didn't make me want anything. I have always had a strong determination to take on any challenge that I have seen, and this is no different. I even made banana bread (which I love) and prepared carrots and chickpeas for girls after having a snack at school. 7.00 pm: I'm still not hungry, it's the weirdest thing. It might contain about a liter and a half of water yet. You must be careful not to drink too much. 8:00 pm: Time seems to be moving slower... It is very productive and does not eat. I have accomplished so much! 10:30 pm The second day: Tuesday 6:30 am: I woke up after a perfect sleep but felt a little shaky. He had some warm water and sat for only 10 minutes. After about an hour, I felt normal again. Weight: 55.6 kg 10:30 am: Even though I haven't eaten more than 44 hours yet, I'm still not hungry. Don't worry, though, my mind feels some mystery. I wonder if this is from toxins coming out of damaged cellular material and throwing them into the bloodstream? I don't feel tired or lethargic. 2.30 pm: 48 hours. 24 hours to go! 7.00 pm: Hungry at dinner time, but I still prepare dinner and sit with my family while they were only eating to be social. I love to challenge myself! 8:00 pm: Fasting and hunger cannot be noticed when you are busy, so it was a good opportunity to be truly productive. 9:00 pm The Epsom salt bath was bothering me, so I went straight to bed after 10 pm. The third day: Wednesday 6:30 am: I woke up feeling shaky again and made a decision not to do Bootcamp today... but then I felt fine and changed my mind and thought I would do as little or as much as I could. Weight: 54.6 kg 8.30–9.30 am. I surprised myself and worked pretty much as usual, which I found very strange due to the lack of glycogen in my muscles. He even threw a few batches there! A little excited to eat again later in the day, and I'm glad I started fasting at 2:30 pm, which isn't long to wait for now. Midnight: It seems like the day is going slowly. Strange I don't have these outages in the food, but I think I am beginning to expect this now until my mind gets ready and becomes patient. So, write this blog to keep it busy. 2.30 pm It's over, I did. 72 hours without food. But what is happening now? How do you end fasting? How to end fasting "safely." "Refeeding" is the process of providing food steadily to your body in a way that does not completely break down your system. The most significant danger is something called a refeeding syndrome, as reinserting food increases insulin to the point that causes an unsafe situation. It is often a worry about fasting five days or more, and when you lose a lot of body weight. To prevent this from happening, you must steadfastly resubmit foods to the body over a day or two, and move steadily to the top of how difficult it is to digest something, ending in meat. Some say that you should refeed any number of fasting. But what I find strange is that many tips on fasting indicate that you should start with fruits and vegetables because they are easy to digest. Plants make sense, but fruit? Most fruits have a relatively high glycemic index, which means a significant rise in insulin. I no longer eat a lot of fruit anyway stuck with some green vegetable soup. I'm also going to dynamically relocate the small intestine (healthy bacteria that live inside your gut) in the next few days with some vegetable powders, pickled cabbage and kefir, which are all great sources of probiotics. The next thing on the list is desiccated coconut meat because it is shallow in blood sugar and rich in fat, which is the only significant nutrient that does not increase insulin. What then? Overall, this was a very positive experience. My mentality has been tested again, which I think will always stand well about other challenges that come my way. There were hardly any negatives, and hopefully, the few positives have been entirely animated by the positives. It will be interesting to know how long it takes to replace glycogen and the weight of the water and how it will feel to re-enter the food. As I said, there is an incredible number of health benefits of fasting so I will continue intermittent fasting every day (fasting for 14-16 hours each day and having an 8 to 10-hour intake window is the preferred method). I will probably repeat fasting for three days like this every three months. Disclaimer: As with all self-experiences on your body, they are not suitable for everyone and if you have any doubts, consult your general physician before performing any type of fasting. For example, it is not ideal for pregnant women or children.

[thevoiceiskillingme]

Sleep forever

Everything's been a bit better these last few days, but oh my god does my life still suck. If I'm not anxious/in pain/panicking, my tension-pains are fucking up my entire body. I spend a long time each morning cracking up my body. Every time I move, something cracks. It's painful. My jaw is always the place it hits first, but the past few weeks it's moved to my whole face as well. The pressure on my forehead is so intense, it feels like my brain is expanding and about to crack my skull open. Every part of my body is tense and in pain. Fuck this.

I didn't take any pills on Saturday (win), but I took valium last night after trying to sleep for a while. I just couldn't stand it. I've had a rule not to take anything before a therapy session, but fuck it. Didn't take anytihng after I woke up, though. Saw my psychologist at 1 pm, and it went well. As I expected I cried a lot, and I was super anxious, as well as rambling a bit. But she's great, and she helped me understand a little more, and see the connection between things. She also supports me having valium available for crises, and she would talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow about it (as I didn't have time last session with him). I felt a little better as we were talking, and she also noticed it.

For a while now we've only had session every other week, as I was generally better (before everything fell apart), but she really wanted to see me again soon. So I'm going back Thursday at 8 am. I don't really mind going that early, as I barely sleep anyway.

I'm also seeing my doctor on Thursday at 9.30 am. She sent me a message earlier, wanting me to write down everything that I need help with/talk about, to make it easier for me to sort it out, instead of rambling incoherently. So much is happening in my head, that I struggle with actually talking about it when I should. So I'm going to do that later.

On a more positive note; we're officially taking over our new house on Friday! I have a fucking house, we have a fucking house. We're not moving in till the week after that, though. So much has to be done, and all of this is of course source of much of my stress, but I'm also very excited. The only thing that sucks about moving, is that I'm having to travel further to get to my psychologist. But I refuse to start over at a new place, with new people, my current psychologist is the best one I've ever had, and I don't want a new one. She's on board with the whole thing, and we're gonna have both physical and online sessions. I think it will work out fine.

Now I just need to address this dizziness thing and all of that, hopefully my doctor will have some answers. My blood work was fine, by the way.

[apapachoazul]

Day 119 - 14/01/2021

A typical day

When someone asks me “what do you work” I somehow always feel like I need to say “I don’t work right now”. I guess I feel like that’s the correct response because I am not hired by anyone and I don’t have work that pays. But to say that “I don’t work” or “I don’t have a job” right now couldn’t be further from the truth... And today was one of those days again where it became very clear to me that I do indeed *work*.  I sat in front of the computer all day and took care of various things... so probably more for my reference rather than anybody else’s I thought I’ll share what a rather typical day of work looks like for me right now. 

6.30 Cat woke me up 7.30 Slowly started to get ready to get up  7.50 Made coffee  8.00 My Mum texted me that a colleague of her husband died of COVID the night before. So I spoke to her for a while. 8.30 Checked my emails and was happy to see that I had received a response from the Finnish tax authorities. I had contacted them a few days earlier in regards to the sale of my apartment in Helsinki last year because I figured I still need to pay taxes for that. But since I don’t have a Finnish bank account anymore, I can not access the online tax service anymore and so I needed to email them... Luckily Finns are awesome and they responded really quickly and sent me instructions what to do. 8.40 I downloaded the form they told me to fill and started working on it. It required me to dig up all sorts of bank statements and other papers from way back in 2018… In the end I wasn’t sure how to correctly fill the form so I only did it half way through and then sent it via email to a friend in Finland asking for help.  8.50 texted my friend who is ill from COVID if I should bring her some soup 

8.55 texted Erick to tell him I needed to talk to him and asked if he could come by my house today (will explain later)

9.00 received a revised version of the “tiny houses” from the architect of the construction company in Sayulita - revised it but didn’t like it so I started drafting a response to him giving him honest feedback 

The first image is their initial proposal and the second image the revised option. 

9.30 Texted my architect friend to see when he has time to talk to me as we agreed to speak this morning 

10.00 Received a text from my friend asking when I’m gonna be at the house today. She wanted to buy some of the old furniture I found in the house. I told her that I revised the furniture yesterday and that I’m not planning on selling any at this point cause I might need them myself in the future

10:15 got a voice message from my architect friend asking for some clarification - some back and forth and eventually spoke on the phone briefly. I was happy to hear that he thought I was making some wise decisions with the latest layout but that he suggests I forget about the idea of a second floor because the cost are not in relation to the benefit I get from it. He also said by not building a second floor I only need to get a “renovation permit” and not a “construction” permit and that that is much easier to get. It actually made a lot of sense to me and we agreed to trash the idea.  

10.45 briefly revised the sketches I made and sent them to my friend 

11.00 Made breakfast

11.30 Erick came by my house and we spoke for around 30min - I spoke to him about a job offer. I told him that I’m looking for a “right hand” and that I can not offer him a grand salary right now but that I’m willing to offer him a “future” to grow with me and my business. He seemed exited. 

12:14 Sent a text to my notary asking what’s up with the RNIE fine I’m supposed to pay and if there’s anything I can do to fight their decision

12:15 Sent feedback to the architect whose design I didn’t like 

12:16 Sent a message to my friend Santana asking for recommendation for anti-termite treatment for the old furniture I’m planning to refurbish 

12:30 my notary responded saying that she’s out of office for health reasons but that her colleague is taking care of the RNIE situation and that she’ll inform me when she knows more

12.50 Sent the same feedback to the architects boss telling him that we’re not gonna end up working together on this project at least not for now 

13.30 Had a really great Zoom call with a good old friend of mine from Germany. 

14.45 saw a post on Facebook by someone in the local group that property taxes (predial) are due to being paid and realised that that’s probably something I need to pay as well. So I started researching (aka googling) a bit and then thought about who might know about this that I could could... 15.10 texted my friend Carlos who is Mexican and has also purchased some property in town and asked him about the predial - he checked with his mum and told me about the place I need to go pay  15:30 decided to still text my contact Chava and see if he knows if 2020 is paid already, he said 2020 is paid but I need to pay for 2021 and I need to do it now in January to get a discount 15.45 went back to the Facebook post since someone had mentioned they paid it online. Found the link and investigated. It indeed seemed like one can pay online and gets a discount so I tried to just pay it right away instead of going to their office in Bucerias - however after 2 failed attempts I gave up. The payment was rejected. 

16:20 received a message from my accountant telling me that they finally arranged a meeting for me with SAT (tax office) - unfortunately the appointment they scheduled is in Tepic which is 2h away from where I live and I had asked them to book it in the town that is only 1h away from me. Also the date they booked does not work for me as it’s the day the construction of the roof starts and I need to be at the house that day. 

16:30 Texted my bank lady asking why I can’t pay online with the company credit card  16:45 She replied that she first needs to unlock my cc so I can make payments online and asked me to send her the cc number which I did right away 17.00 Realized that I was starving and decided to driver over to San Pancho to buy dinner and bring some soup to my friend.  17.30 Received a message from my bank lady that as of tomorrow I can use my credit card to make online purchases 17.40 Received a message from my accountant asking if she can call me. I asked her to call me tomorrow

19.00 Got back home, made some tea and started watching Netflix 22.30 Started writing this blog post

[zmemoriesofmylifeyshaa]

Brussels!

I would write something about my journey in Brussels. I arrived there Tuesday on the 12th of February 2019, I checked in my hotel, Hilton Grand Place and I took my time, since I wasn’t going to wait for Julia to come.. her flight was canceled due to a strike... So this little trip turned out to be my second solo travel! Exciting, but also a bit annoying since in the evening you can’t really do that much. I visited a bit Brussels by night the same evening, not so many people around that time, but I was excited already to visit it by daytime. Unfortunately, I encountered a weird guy on my way back to the hotel... the same blah blah stuff, weirdos say to a girl alone. At the end he wanted a kiss for his birthday, like if I care it was his birthday lol. Of course, I didn’t give such a freak a kiss and he surely went away. I went back to the hotel and went to sleep after a call with my babe.

13 February: I woke up around 9:00 in order to get the nice Hilton breakfast, I was so looking forward to having a breakfast there. It was good food! Then I chilled a bit in the room, listen to music and spend a nice time alone. Afterwards I went around the city to visit it. Pretty Brussels, especially the main square! I loved the fact that the sun was shining! I walked to see the Manneken Pis, but then I realized that I went to visit the “Het Zinneke” haha which was the pissing dog. I changed my route and went to see what I really wanted to see and le petite Julien was really small haha! Then I went back to the Galerie du Roi and drank a coffee at “Askum” a cool place inside the galeries. I have to say that the coffee was expensive, I paid 3.50 or 4.50 euro for a cappucino... I stayed in the cafe a bit and organized my calendar and modify a bit of the pictures I took. Later that day, I walked a lot from the Galeries to St. Michel Church, to Mont des Art and then to the hotel around 5.30 pm. I wanted to try the Executive Lounge and once they opened it around 6 pm, I went there and ate my dinner, pommes frites. They were good and free! Later that day, I didn’t do anything anymore... because I didn’t know what to do... the beer tasting I wanted to do it the next day, on my last night.

14 February: Good morning! Got up around 9.30 am and went to another good breakfast! Then I chilled again in the room, got ready with some good music and went out to see the Atomium. The weather was great again! I don’t have so much to say, but I think that if you are in Brussels, you must see the Atomium, it’s quite cool to see big balls in the sky! (if the sky is so blue, like when I was there!). Afterwards I went to Ixelles, a beautiful district of the city, plenty of beautiful cafes! I went in one where they sell also donuts, yummy it was good. Anyway Happy Valentine’s Day to my man back home! I loved the interior design of that place... When I was in the cafe, I registered to do the Beer tasting tour! Sometimes you just need to go out of your comfort zone, so I pressed the button “buy”! Let’s do it, I said! I went back to the hotel around 4 or 5 pm, because the tour started around 6 pm.

Beer tasting tour: so where to start.. the meeting point was at Scott’s Bar, 5 minutes on foot from my place. Even though I didn’t want to come early, I still came pretty early. I hate coming early, it makes me anxious haha. Anyway I waited a bit outside and then I went inside, I didn’t know where to go haha so I waited a couple of minutes until I asked to the bartender, where was this tour. He pointed out where the team members were and I went to them and said I was doing the tour. They asked for my ticket and told me to wait. Other participants came and then we went upstairs. They were a group of 5 guys from Argentina, a couple from Romania and Italy but both living in Manchester, a guy from Toronto, a group of three girls from Basel, Switzerland and then two couples from Australia and a woman from England but originally from Finland. It wasn’t that awkward at the beginning, because we talked to each other, which was cool! The guide was funny and relaxed, but a bit disorganized in my opinion. Anyway he started to talk about the history of the Belgian beers and then we finally could pour our drinks and drink it! I chose a beer called Chimay, it had a strong taste, but still drinkable haha damnnnnn it was 9% and I just ate a chocolate bar prior this beer tour. To be honest with you I was already a bit drunk after once beer. But the guys told me the same, so I didn’t feel that weak haha I had fun talking to the Canadian guy next to me! He told me something about his life and that he lived 18 years in Australia. Following that, the tour guide said we were going to another bar, so we put our jackets and went out. We crossed the Grand Place and I saw it in another perception, from a drunk view lol. Quentin showed us where we could buy nice beers and then we went to the bar and drunk other 3 beers, which we’re not that good in my opinion. Especially the last one was really bad. In this second bar, I sat next to the Romanian-Italian couple and they were so cute together.. we talked about our travels. I was a bit sad that the guy from Canada couldn’t sit next to me.. we had a good conversation before. I also talked a bit to the Australian guy and he was also kind, his friend was so drunk already haha. The tour beer ended. The Austrialians were the first to go, then the nice couple and the Finnish woman living in England. The group of guys a girls sat in the table next to mine and were still talking.. my table was mostly empty, the one who remained were me and the Canadian guy. We agreed to go and eat something together. We said buy to the rest of the group and thanked again Quentin. (Lol his look at me, when he understood that we were both going to eat together lol like goooo guy and girl). We walked until this famous restaurant named Chez Leon, we ate mussles with french fries, apparently a typical Belgian food. So good the mussels! Wow what a great connection we had... I mean he is older than me for sure, I understood that because he already a cardiologist and went for 18 years to Australian, I’m pretty sure you don’t move before finishing your studies to another country. Anyways he asked me so many personal question that I was happy to be questioned haha he asked my about my future, my hobbies, etc. It is nice talking to someone that you can’t disappoint or someone who can’t judge you, because he doesn’t know anything about me.  After our dinner, we went to the Delirium TapHouse, so cool that place! We talked to some locals and asked them which beer they like. This guy suggested us to Barbar and it tasted amazing! We ordered two beers and sat down. I don’t exactly remember anymore about what we talked, but it was just nice talking to each other. One thing just shocked me.. he told me this story about his two friends who gave a ride to a couple who was hitchhiking in Canada, they shared contacts and one month later one of the friend received an email, where it says that the couple wanted to kill them, but they didn’t, because they treated them good and that they should never pick up people from the road like them! OMFG, how lucky they were. We talked about travels, about life, about sports (he won a deal, because I thought Kobe Bryan was smaller than 1.80m), about tequila and he was saying that I was hilarious, because I was already drunk. We changed contacts and then around 1 am, we decided to go and take a tequila shot in my hotel. On the way there we took some pics at the Gran Place and they are all so cute any funny haha. Once in the hotel, we realised it was already closed :I Oh God, I didn’t want to cheat on Flo, but I also did feel to just following my feelings. As single, in the moment I would have said, let’s go and let’s spend time in my room. But I’m an honest and not cheater girl, so I hugged him and told him good night, beside the fact that I was drunk, I was also really tired. I took a quick shower and then fall asleep right away. 

Let’s talk about this. I do think you can fall in love many times in your life, but you need to choose what is good for you and for the people that are in your life. You can’t be selfish, you just can’t. You made your choice, many days ago and you need to respect them, it’s doesn’t matter the circumstances. You want to be respected? Then respect first those who love you. I will fall in love with another people, but until my heart belongs to my baby. It’s just for my baby and me. Will I regret that I am not having that fun? I don’t know about that, but at least I am following the values I grew up with. I spent a nice moment with Matthew Henry, but that was it. Thank you for the nice evening we spent together and thank you for being you, kind, gentleman and not pushy.

Brussels, thank you for the memories.

[frmdarts-blog]

SPRING DAY - Vkook fiction

Note:

I dont mean to write fic actually. I was about to change my VKOOK spring day fanart video caption on my utube channel. I want to make a short poem but ended up making this short fic about them. I cant write a story in english actually (i’m still lacking in so many many ways). This is breaking all the writting rules bcs i dont think much about grammar, i’m really terrible at it LOL.

But i hope you can get the points.

Its just a simple story with simple choosen words, its very obvious, you dont have to search on google to know the meaning because once again i cant write in beautiful way.

I just meant to give a short drama for my fanart video. Just the story behind.

So lets begin!

‘,’,’,’,’,’SPRING DAY,’,’,’,’,’,’,’

Author: Frmd

Characters: Jeon Jungkook, Kim Taehyung (Vkook)

= =

Jungkook’s point of view

= =

When will this winter come to an end? The air is as cold as usual. Even the 3 layers clothes i am wearing doesnt help much. People are busy chatting with their partner. Some talking about their planning to go holiday on the day of spring. Some talking about some cheezy-bullshit words of love. Some just doing a simple talk like “what are we gonna eat for lunch?” Even in this crowded train, i’m still searching for your voice. Just in case i could find your voice-the voice that i’ve known very well. The voice that i havent heard since last christmas.

Just in case i could meet you here unexpectedly. Just in case i’m lucky enough today. I’m still searching for that miracle. (After doing it like everytime i take this damn train)

Searching mode is finally on

I close my eyes to begin the search (?). Now the sound of the crowd is slowly getting smaller and is fading. The sound of your laughter is getting louder. And then your face is getting more obvious in my imagination. Now you are standing beside me, in front of the train’s door to be exact. I’m started to imagine that you are laughing. Your half face is filled by the rectangle shape of your mouth-which is so adorably cute (thats my fave).

And then about the heavy sound of your breathe that i could hear very well when you lean your head on my shoulder. It is somehow ticklish to me. But i like it for no reason. And then you keep talking about everything outside the window that catch your attention. Then you laugh as you start talking about some nonsense things. (Even if its hard enough to swallow, it seems fine for me. Everything you do will be fine for me. As long as it is you, hyung). Then it comes to the part when you feel tired of talking. You suddenly keep in silent for a while, grab my hand and hold it tight to warm both of us. I could feel the warmth of your wide hand palm. I could feel your finger playing with mine I could feel you inside my soul now.

I feel warm for no reason.

This search is failed due to my distracted mind.

I must be out of my mind now. = =

Taehyung’s point of view

= =

Why is it so quiet here? I’ve been walking for an hour to get here. I woke up late today (the alarm failed to wake me up) and i suddenly missed the sound of the coming train. Such a random thought to start a sunday morning. I know its definitely different now. I’m no longer live near by this station. And this station is no longer operated as passenger train, as it used to be. Things have changed. I have changed. You too. Ah, why am i thinking about the same shit again and again? When did i start to think about you? I look at my phone to check the time. 9.30 am? Wow. This is such an advancement bcs i can finally forget you for about 2 hours since the time i woke up.

/ I usually start thinking about you right after my eyes are wide opened at 6.30 am in the morning to i see my lockscreen (our selca edited in black and white mode). Actually i dont mean to see the lockscreen to really think about you since the early morning but i have to stop BTS to keep singing Fire in 100% volume-my morning alarm. My eardrums could be broken because of it, yeah-you know. Its not an excuse, really. / Ok. Well done. No. I dont feel well today. Because i think its still so early to be outside in this breezy winter. And i’m only wearing my last night’s pineapple printed tshirt covered by a not so thick-blue cardigan. What the hell with ur damn legs to follow your random thought’s instruction. The small dust of snow are falling in front of me. Falling slowly one by one just like the memories that keep coming slowly, intensely. I’m started to remember the old times when we took the train to go to random place during our last christmas. You were left alone by your parents. Your parents have been busy working all the time but christmas day is properly the only exception. That was the first time actually. You felt so upset and your elder brother might be go out with his girlfriend which means you were literally left alone and i felt like i had a responsibility to comfort you. I used to comfort you but we ended up trapped in a dispute. I dont know why. Its just happening all of sudden. And to think of it again makes me anxious.

Yes i left you that night. 10 pm in the day of christmas, right after sending you back home.

/I left you with your sad teary looking eyes. i knew you were holding it since we took off the train. i knew it well but i pretended not to care im such a bastard i deserve a punishment for it/

I couldnt think anything more than to quicken my footsteps. I could only think that i should go quickly bcs i could never deal with those kind of look in your eyes. I could never deal to see you cry because it hurts me even more. So i better go, following my selfish mind. I didnt know that those tensed conversation will be the last time we talk to each other. I didnt know that to left you in such condition is much worse than to hug you to stop you from crying. The thing that i surely know now that i feel really sorry to you. It was my mistake. Wait,

No, Not really. You told me that you like her. You said that you just confessed to a girl you just knew in twitter. I couldnt accept the fact that my only precious bestfriend will be someone else’s boyfriend. You wont be completely mine anymore. i will lose my bestfriend ever. Is feeling fear of losing a mistake? I’d rather to leave you than to be left. I thought the time could heal anything. But no. Theres no text from you, nor a single call from you. I thought that you were busy dating with ur fckin new girlfriend. And to calculate the time, i guess today is the time when you celebrate your 1st anniversary with her. Congratulation dude. Sh*t. I feel like my tears just fell through my cheekbones. Why the hell did i spend an hour walk just to cry over the same person?

I close my eyes to stop it from getting worse. Apparently holding back tears is not an easy job. I open my eyes.

voila!

Whats with this setting? Why the floor is shaking? And why is there a stainless steel door showing the blooming trees scenery from its window right in front of me. Wait. No. This cant be.. Why am i here? on the train?! I hit my right cheek in case its just a dream but da heck it is not!! I look around to check the situation. Then my eyes fixate to someone next to me. The boy who is standing with a familiar face. And is closing his eyes while standing like a still picture. Jeon jungkook?????? Is it you??????? == Both point of view. ==

Taehyung is mesmerized by the view that he is looking at right now. Jungkook is right in front of him and he doesnt have any idea about it. “How could this be? Is it a miracle thats been set out by God?” He cant hide the smile on his face while staring at the sleeping boy. Wait. “Isnt it dangerous to be sleeping while standing? On the train??,” he wonders. Suddenly the sleeping boy opens his eyes. The awakened boy (who is actually not sleeping) is startled to see the boy with those familiar rectangle shaped smile standing in front of him. All smiling. All bright. Like a flower blooms. Like a spring day he’s been waiting for. “H-h-hyung??,” he starts the talk. “Y yeah. Its been a long time?” “I miss you…..hyung.” “I know” “What? Why are you so confident?” “I know”

“i couldnt make it with her”

“……”

“i broke up with her right after she accepted me. You happy?”

Taehyung’s smile is widening naturally.

“i know”

“you lied”

“i know”

“Ya! hyung!”

“Hahahahhahaha” Their story is going to bloom once again,

Just like the scenery of blooming trees outside the windows

Just like spring day.

==The end==

����В

[daisyolam]

Kure Kure Faraway; Weeks 1-3 updates

Week 1

It has been quite the build up to the beginning of the project - preparations started as soon as I heard the news I got the grant. The first meeting was at 9.30 Monday morning, in attendance was Belona (script writer) and David (director). I spoke for a good 3 hours and we started pulling together the shape of the script. We discussed the length of the show, what visual images and audio to include for the back projections and sound and a suggestion was made for all involved to write a paragraph for this blog. 

I had the most vivid dream of my grandparents and aunties, we were in the village (Kumusha), we were all so happy. My ancestors present and happy with me, just the approval I needed! 

I awoke to an email from Vicki (choreographer) today but decided to look at it after my meeting with Bel for the script writing. We worked on the first 15 minutes of the show, and when I got home I read the email from Vicki only to find she’s having trouble linking our dates as she is so busy. I must admit I hadn’t put a risk assessment down to deal with this kind of change in the project. I have learned for the future but for now I need to fight or flight. 

Wednesday today, Ruth has been in to update the income and expenditure document and file invoices. This is her second week and she’s doing a great job in the office keeping the finances up to date! Today Bel and I cracked on with the script and discussed how we can develop the show as two thirty minute sets to allow audience to feedback and then create space to develop the show further into two forty-five minute sets.

I emailed Simon Bright, he’d like to help with images for the visuals with West Anglia College. We’ve mapped out the first half of the show and have started to include how and where the visuals and sounds will come in. 

I can’t believe how much has been achieved this week, I feel so much power from being challenged to think out of my comfort zone. So pleased to hear from Louise who is going to be supplying the oils to add to the show. The script will be sent to Daisy (project manager) next week to look through and feedback before Friday. I am pleased Bel has offered to tweak the document if it needs it once rehearsals have started.

David Farmer (Director) weekly contribution

I’m so excited to begin working on this project. Anna attended a workshop I ran several years ago and we have kept in touch ever since, especially bumping into each other (literally) at African music gigs.

Belona Greenwood (Script writer) Weekly contribution

It’s been a privilege to begin writing Anna’s story and vision this week. Time snaps past because the crafting of word and story and the building up of the layers of the script is so compelling. We have written an entire rough first draft of the entire show – I say we, but I am a facilitator, a word-smith a bit like a medieval scribe.

Week 2

Bel and I started adding concepts of visual content to the script, I added more ideas and felt the script was ready to send out to Daisy, Project Manager and David, Director. I might need to consider working with a different choreographer because my original choice may not work out. I have contacted a choreographer in Cambridge but I feel I need to fight for my choices because there were good reasons behind selecting the 19 practitioners in the original project plan. Phew this is very challenging in places. 

The most amazing thing happened today, Shaun, a fellow Zimbabwean and parent at my daughters school has just returned from Zimbabwe with a Nyunga Nyunga I had asked him to bring back. He asked me about my work and he revealed much more than I had bargained for. He can track his family all the way back to where the Bantu tribe began, I was staggered with the information he was giving me. He is a direct descendent not just of the Bantu Tribe but his lineage is of Kings, he knows the shrines where my people go to honor our ancestors, and why there is a constant flame that flickers over Harare city. He has agreed to look at our script, I will take it to school for him tomorrow. This show is about to get very exciting! 

This morning I woke up to Daisy’s comments about the script, shortly followed by David’s. Having spent 6 days writing with Bel, my first reaction was ouch, we have put so much work into the script but I realised they were saying the same thing - both encouraging more drama and avoiding a history lecture or geography lesson. By the afternoon I saw their perspectives and my mind went into overdrive with ideas on how to make the show much stronger. I’ll be meeting Bel tomorrow and Friday to finalise the changes taking on board this feedback.

By the time the project finishes I feel I will have earned the equivalent of a degree in the performing arts with flying colours, maybe I should have done it as a degree. Everyday is bringing a different challenge and I’m overcoming them! I’m getting stronger each day finding strength, solutions, contacts and resources that I didn’t know I had.

Week 3

Today I travelled to London to meet with fellow Zimbabwean and Art Director/Producer Simon Bright. He has produced a documentary film entitled Tides of Gold. This film is about the history of Africa and trading. It’s a powerful and insightful story which celebrates trading between Africa, India and China which goes back centuries. We met at Kings Cross station for lunch and discussed my show, Zimbabwe and other ways we might work together. He was very fascinated about the ancestors theme, and will share his uncut film with wonderful images of rural Zimbabwe for us to use as projections in the show.  

I was beginning to feel crushed about having to start afresh on the other visuals after news from West Anglia College that my project didn’t fit in with their module anymore. I spoke to project manager and then to Springboard TV about my dilemma and they came to the rescue - phew! For a small cost Springboard TV and I will develop the projections with their work experience media students so filming starts tomorrow and I am pleased I will still be able to work in Kings Lynn. 

I arrived at Kings Lynn College at 10am to film the mask dance with Springboard TV. We worked with students from the media course who helped with general set up, sound and image documentation and lighting. I told the students about the project, and found them very respectful and polite all the way - considering this was a culturally different kind of project to their usual day-to-day time spent at the college. After discussing with Scott and Richard filming began - we spent 2 hours filming me in different masks, coming from different angles. They were pleased to be using a state of the art new camera for the first time and the results were fantastic. 

Today I spent time marking the numbers of the clips which I would like to use on the film Simon has sent me. It was quite laborious to keep going back and forth but I got there. I’ll be sending them to Simon this week so he can start forwarding the extracts across to Scott in accordance to the script.

As the project develops we are finding new aspects to add maximum impact to the show. Today Gideon and I did some filming at Norwich Market. I wore clothes as if I had just arrived from Zimbabwe. We were able to capture the vibrancy and the typical Saturday morning feel at the market. The response there was fun, traders were genuinely curious about what we were doing and what it was for, they asked we drop flyers off when the show tours and offered to help promote.

[everydailife-blog]

A regular Saturday morning

A friend of mine recently suggested I start a blog, saying my texts are hilarious. I've always wanted to write a book, as life sometimes, well most of the time, feels unreal and is definitely never boring. So instead of a book, I decided I'd give a blog a go, it would take up less of my time, and I do want to capture the memories and crazy moments that my life consists of.

I'm not sure where to start, so will pick a random moment from a couple of weeks ago.

Being a single working mum, life can be challenging at times, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

I've got 2 amazing kids, whose social lives are definitely busier than mine. Friday afternoon, time to get off my computer and pick up the little monsters. As I arrive in school, I realise that for some reason my brain must have been on a different planet, and I'm 15 minutes early. So I decided to wait in my car. I'm not like most mums at school, and can't bear the thought of having to stand there and talk about utter rubbish, pretending to listen but really just wanting to moan about my day. Shit happens, I've got plenty to bitch about, but don't necessarily want to blurt it all out with kids running around me, I'd rather save it for an evening with a good friend and a glass of wine. When it's finally time, I see my kids running, shouting, firing questions, can my friend come over for tea, can my friend come over for a sleepover, can you adopt my friend! So instead of 2, I end up with 4 kids in my car, stopping at the supermarket stocking up on a trolley load of junk food.

Works out great, my kids are happy and I gain a few more hours of being able to work. So far so good. Then the following morning, one of the mums texts me asking how have the boys behaved, well... They behaved great, and had a good night sleep. However my morning, it was only 9.30 on a Saturday, had already been quite filled. I woke up, to find the dog (he's quite old, bless him, so I guess some things are looser then before) had left a solid package on the living room floor. But my dog is quite special, and won't poop in one place, so three quarters of the living room floor now looked brown, not because of the great floor boards, but you get the picture. To add a bit of variety he left a nice puddle in the corner as well. Before even having had a first coffee, I finished mopping my floors, getting them back to a normal smell and shine. I put on a coffee, savouring the smell, anticipating that first sip, until I heard a scream from one of my kids. One of the cats had apparently eaten his breakfast so fast, that it all came out again at the same speed. So coffee had to wait, and back to cleaning up, cat vomit this time. OK... now I can surely have my coffee, and start to enjoy a Saturday morning, and I did, savouring that hot steamy elixir. The boys in the mean time had gone out on a bike ride. By now, it was about 10.30, when there was a knock on the door. There stood my son, without his friend. So asking the obvious questions, did he get lost, run over, kidnapped, in limps his friend. Apparently they found a great spot in the river to jump over, but one of them missed, and ended up cutting his leg open on some rocks. Not to worry they said, standing there dripping blood... Luckily from my son's escapades, I have a whole pharmacy of various bandages and antiseptics, that shortly had his friend patched up ready for their next adventure.

So, back to my friend who asked how the night went and if the boys had behaved, they did, the night was fine, and I'm just enjoying another Saturday morning...

[awalkbesideme]

Big Bend

Day 1 - The trip was supposed to commence at 3.00pm latest. But here we are now having just left, just late by 5 and a half hours :p This trip is something I have been looking forward to since a while. Coincidentally it helps me in keeping busy. Need that for 20th Aug :p After a lot of hassle, we did all settle in. Tempers are high at the moment since we have absolutely nothing planned. Absolutely nothing. Don't get me wrong. I am relishing this. Spending the night in the car should be a good story to tell. Prathamesh started the journey songs with pulled under. 🙈 How I dislike that song. Day 2 - Ohh what a journey it was. I drove for the final 150-170 miles. Wow. I didn't think I had it in me. I ran over at least 1 rabbit. I am so sorry about that. We reached here at 6 am. By the time we set up the tent, it was already 7 am. But the sky was heavenly. Seldom sights could compare to this. Vinay woke us up at 9.30 for only to find that we were set up in someone else's spot. We gotta shift again. This is going to be fun. Let the hike begin! What a fucking experience!! Jimmy (information guide) mentioned it was strenuous. He was not kidding. The trek was exhausting but certainly worth it. Having just an hour of sleep the previous night and the summer heat did not aid us in any way. Surviving on fruits was the only way we could keep going on. 6.5 miles seems nothing on paper, but when it is a climb with backpacks, it is indeed a very tough one. Pulling prathamesh's leg helped a lot to get to the top, but I feel I am rude to him. I should stop. I really need to understand boundaries :p When almost 80% of the trek was done, the rains paid us a visit. Ohh what an experience. We held the tent over our heads and walked only to realize, waiting under a tree was more advisable. That drained our stamina like anything X_X. We were praying for the plateau to show up magically. Luckily, everyone was in good spirits to make light of the situation. We were doubting our path by the near end since we could not see anything but tall grass. Dragging ourselves we decided to carry on for a few more minutes. After such a long, exhausting and confusing trek, Lo & behold! Prathamesh's gamble of having us choose South rim over Euron peak did pay off! What a view!! We completely forgot we were drained. Standing 2700ft above such a sprawling mountains range, my god. It was beautiful. I cannot find words to put it. We each must have taken about 50 photographs! Vinay finally convinced us to set camp before nightfall. We were in no mood, however. With a lot of effort and some hacks to a broken hook, we finally did it. Phew! We were done. All we had to do now was consume the packed beans and bread and have a good night's sleep. Mother nature had other plans. Mugdha was resourceful in bringing the tent. If it weren't for her, we wouldn't have half the things we needed :P. The best part was she knew how to set it up :P. With the sunlight falling short, we hurried our speed in setting up the tent. Sid you lucky bastard. He made us all look so foolish that night. He was the only one with the presence of mind to carry warm clothes. We, on the other hand, were so carried away in excitement, we did not and even could not carry blankets. Ohh how we paid for that. The temperature must have been about 7-8 degrees, but with the wind, it felt like 2-3 degrees. Fuck it was indescribable. The entire night all we did was pray for some miracle to happen. It was impossible for us to sit without shivering like a madman. Our various attempts to block the cold failed. Winter was there. With everyone in shorts and t-shirts, it was nearly impossible to sleep. I kept turning my body over the rocks in the hope there would be heat. God was benevolent not to let it rain again in spite of the constant lightning and thundering. Defeated by the cold, we went back to the view to admire the stars as a distraction to get our minds off the cold, wow what a view. Seldom things are more beautiful than a clear sky above one's head with a million stars and the occasional shooting stars. Day 3  - The night passed slowly and painfully, we all managed to get about 2-3 hours sleep before dawn. We had to leave soon, I needed network. One phone call had to be made. Finishing the morning photo shoot of course took a while but again worth every minute. I was rushing everyone back down, I had no time to spare and no intentions of stopping till I got coverage. Having such nice friends sure helped. They knew about it and made sure to proceed with ease :p. The return trek was much simpler as compared to the climb. It too had a beautiful descent. We had to resort to music for the final part of the trek and yes we did it! We finally made it! We conquered South Rim. Having another unnecessary photo shoot with Jimmy, we proceeded back to our campsite to pack up and leave. I was too determined to let fatigue catch up with me. Yes, you are going to assume I am foolish for doing all this for her, no I am not and it's her birthday. Today nothing spoils her mood. A moot argument I know. But yeah so Sid volunteered to drive in the beginning and I couldn't be happier since I could make the call. I had been preparing for this since 20 days. I should ease this. I got network, I called from Vinay's phone, ring ring ring... Hello? I am blank. I have no idea what to say. It's probably her voice or her concern for my welfare that sweeps me away, but all I could say was happy birthday! It was not my place to say anything else anyway. I hope she had a great day. I really do. She had called and texted me. She was worried about me. It's been a while since I felt that from her. Felt good. But that was it, I was now done with the actual deed, I could now drift off into sleep land for eternity. This time the US border patrol was against my sleep. We all had to provide our passports. It wasn't a hassle, but it broke my sleep. Somehow, I felt recharged after just 30mins of sleep. I was ready to drive. I wanted to gather confidence. This was the perfect opportunity. It was smooth for about 70miles when the rain came pouring down like something I had never seen before. The car was drifting and my vision was almost 0. I was scared. No road lines no sign nothing. Nothing but unrelentless rain. Thank God we survived. I honestly thought something would happen. It was tough enough to steer, I hoped the road had no turn. It finally passed. The sun shone brightly on the I20 highway. With the entire back seat fast asleep, it was only prathamesh me and music. Thus began my 200mile drive. It was glorious. I even raced a Cadillac and won :P. No, I was not reckless, but it was fun. If it hadn't been for Vinay, I would still be driving :p All in all, this trip has been one of the best ones in my life. So many experiences so many lessons. There couldn't have been anyone better than these people. They were amazing. I guess these are the kinds of experiences people write poems about... Now, these guys are playing someone like you so I should get back to my over thinking :p

[meditativeyoga]

How my first vipassana meditation retreat enriched me

I initial become aware of Vipassana resorts on an online forum where individuals from worldwide shared their experiences and also claimed to have obtained extraordinary results from it. I checked out it just to make certain it was not some brainwashing sectarian nonsense then authorized up for a 10-day retreat.

What these retreats are

Vipassana reflection hideaways are offered around the world by a non-profit organisation. They are open to all as well as are strictly sustained by volunteer contributions. The teachings come from the Buddhist Theravada custom, more specifically by the custom of S N Goenka, a Burmese-Indian reflection educator, however exist in a global fashion, making them easily accessible to everyone. In these 10-day hideaways, we are not allowed to interact with the outdoors globe whatsoever neither talk with the various other participants. We can not also bring anything to read, see, pay attention to or write with. We are awakened every morning at 4am and also, aside from brief disturbances to eat and pay attention to instructions, we practice meditation all day till rest time, at 9.30 pm. The schedule is strict, yet it enables you to experience the hideaway with marginal distractions. If you can do this without the requirement for an inflexible routine you most likely don't have to come to a vipassana retreat.

My experience

Arriving there in the late afternoon, I was designated a space, and also soon, we-- a group of concerning 30 individuals-- went into the meditation hall. There, we obtained the first guidelines: "concentrate on the breath, at the entrance of the nostrils". That recommended the very first evening. Day 1 of the 10-day resort actually begins the next morning.

Next early morning, we were woken up by a gong at 4am for the 4.30 am reflection, which would last two hrs. I got involved in the meditation hall at concerning 4.20 am, took a seat and also started practicing meditation. I had brought my watch to the reflection hall, which was a horrible suggestion. After exactly what I assumed had been a hr, I took a look at it: 4.38 am! I could not wait to obtain further guidelines. However, as the day proceeded, the same signs were given repeatedly, up until the night discussion: to focus on the breath. Admittedly the strategy appeared boring to me then.

The timetable is rigorous, but it allows you to experience the resort with very little distractions

The evening discourse was terrific though and also it clarified my questions and inspired me to maintain practicing. I found out that this technique was made to sharpen our concentration to make sure that at some point we are able to practise the meditation as precisely as well as efficiently as possible.

For the next two days, we kept concentrating on the breath, as well as I really felt the mind obtaining far more malleable as well as familiar with subtleties. At the end of the 3rd day, we were informed that the next day, we would learn Vipassana-- which suggests "seeing things as they truly are". On the 4th day, after greater than 35 hours of seeing the breath, we currently guided our focus on our feelings, scanning our body from the top of the head to the ideas of the toes. The method is composed of watching these feelings with equanimity-- without craving or hostility-- to create understandings concerning the utmost nature of fact and also ourselves.

All the refined experiences I really felt surprised me. So a lot was happening, yet I was never ever familiar with it! At the end of the 5th day, I felt terrific, I seemed like my awareness and equanimity were solid. Yet this was put to examine the following day ...

Sick on the sixth day

On day six, I woke up ill. My nose was obstructed, my head battering and also my throat burning. I could not divert my attention, I had to view these sensations patiently, hr after hr. I really did not think about leaving at all, I was annoyed by my condition. I saw it as a worry. This mental nuisance lasted until completion of the 7th day, when my attitude totally changed.

This technique is developed to hone our concentration so that ultimately we have the ability to practise the reflection as specifically as well as effectively as possible

I knew that the sickness was there, whether I desired it or otherwise. The only useful point to do was to observe the feelings fully, with acceptance. I currently saw my problem as a possibility, and also approached my last evening meditation with strong determination.

Ardently watching the sensations occurring as well as diing without responding to them, I viewed them with unprecedented clearness. Unexpectedly, they thawed down totally right into small resonances. When it was time to rest, I had no rate of interest in doing so, as well as practiced meditation for the a lot of part of the evening. The comfort as well as happiness that was occurring was nothing like I had actually ever before experienced before. Also the 'unpleasantness' of the signs was seen with humour and also happiness.

Ironically, waking up on the 8th day, the symptoms were gone.

Day 10 - The last day of my Vipassana experience

For the last couple of days of the retreat, reflection was mostly uncomplicated for me. On the 10th day, the timetable is loosened up as well as you are allowed to speak to each various other. Day 10 was my last opportunity at completing a reflection of staying absolutely still for a complete hr. In the previous such reflections, I failed around the 30 to 40 minutes mark. It was my mind that, at some point, became too upset. It's difficult, however it had not been a physical experience. The finest contrast I can generate is being highly nervous and stressed.

The start of the meditation actually went very well. Concerning 45 minutes right into the reflection, though, I began obtaining those odd anxious feelings once more. I did my best to continue practicing, attempting to acknowledge the feelings without being 'disturbed' by them. It resembled every cell of my body was proactively attempting to throw me off track.

Even the 'discomfort' of the signs and symptoms was seen with humour as well as happiness

Very remarkably, after enduring those terrible feelings for a few mins, I kind of 'forgot about them' and also continued practicing meditation. When the taped shouting began, I recognized there were only 5 minutes left as well as now, I certainly had not been going to move.

When the meditation finished, the restriction to chat was forgoed. I hadn't stated a word in the entire hideaway, I still really feel like I developed a strong feeling of relationship with various other meditators. I found out that human links are much more compared to words!

I talked with a handful of interesting individuals. We took pleasure in a wonderful dish and spent the remainder of our day talking. We also had 2 various other obligatory meditations, one in the mid-day and the various other at night. The afternoon one went well. The evening meditation was ... a different story.

After the afternoon reflection, I spoke with among the guys that had actually been sitting alongside me in the meditation hall. We went over about our experience and also he told me he discovered that while practicing meditation, our swallowing was means noisier compared to others [on my component, that was probably as a result of me having a cold] For the entire retreat, he claimed he thought about us as the "frog bros" [The mind could be really innovative when attempting to distract you from practicing meditation]

Next, I talked to a person who had actually been, for the last 10 days, attempting his best not to laugh during the meditations. Given that he was sitting close to me in the reflection hall, I had already observed him aiming to hold himself from chuckling aloud. He's a person that, in every day life, likes to inform jokes, laugh and talk to individuals. The 'silent' component of the retreat was very testing to him.

After enduring those awful feelings for a few mins, I arrange of 'forgotten them' as well as continued meditating

Finally, as we rested for our last reflection, I began to practice meditation usually, yet soon I heard my 'frog brother' being very noisy. I believed it would be amusing to attempt to beat him in a 'frog competition' by being noisier compared to him. Foolish idea!

Although I expected him to laugh, he really did not flinch as well as continued to be still. Reviewing just what I had actually thought and also sort of 'thinking of' it, I found it funnier and also funnier as well as at some point really felt giggling involved my cheeks and tongue. I managed to hold it back for a while, however eventually I could not help it as well as rupture out laughing. Presume what took place next?

The person who had actually been holding his laugh for the past week break out laughing as well, and did so louder than me. A few secs after, my roomie started chuckling too. In order not to frustrate everybody, I left the space. The two other people joined me outdoors rapidly afterwards. Our laughter was unstoppable!

I chose a stroll in the timbers alone as well as ultimately, my laughter did lessen. In order to quit laughing, I attempted to 'require myself to laugh', which actually, made it stop. After just what had actually had to do with 10 minutes, I went back right into the meditation hall as well as resumed my reflection. 20 minutes later on, my roomie came back to meditate yet the various other person never ever came back. When we got outside, he was depending on the grass, still laughing his head off.

We invested the remainder of the evening having excellent conversations concerning life function, reflection and also partnerships. We were highly motivated to meditate a minimum of two hours a day [which appeared like a great deal to me] and also to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

I went back home-- after more than 120 hours of meditation-- with happiness, joy as well as enthusiasm.

The guy that had been holding his laugh for the past week break out giggling also, and also did so louder than me

Coming back

It's been a while now because my initial Vipassana resort as well as I could claim that it stands for a turning factor in my life. I'm more based, much less judgmental, more 'in the present moment' as well as, most significantly, I have the absolute certainty that I can deal with whatever might occur in life.

The method is so easy to wonder just how it can create such extraordinary outcomes. Year after year, hundreds of thousands of people attend them, and no one leaves the same. Putting on hold day-to-day routines and habits for some time and endeavor this practice is something I advise to everyone.

Tips and encouragements

If you take place a resort, be certain to follow the regulations as well as guidelines to the t. Individuals who bent the policies and also do it 'their own method' end up either not obtaining the advantages, or leaving early, rationalising that the method doesn't help them. I would advise setting some time off after the experience. Your go back to routine life will certainly be a lot less uncomfortable if you enable yourself to progressively come back to your obligations.

Such extreme hideaways shouldn't be ignored, as well as leaving halfway might verify to be fairly demanding for the mind. Making a company resolution to stay in the resort till the end is very useful in staying focussed in your practice, if you leave the door open, the mind may encourage you to simply leave since it's hard. When possible, I would advise beginning to follow the retreat's sleeping routine as well as to consume lighter evening meals a couple of days before going. That will get your body to slowly change, as well as will certainly make your resort much less uncomfortable.

Lots of people ask yourself whether they need to practise reflection before the retreat, and also are scared of the 'reflections of solid resolution'. Although it is most definitely helpful to practise meditation as well as to obtain utilized to resting on a padding, there is a level of pain that is fundamental in such methods, and also that can't be prevented. The objective is not truly to minimise the physical discomfort, but to learn how to take care of it. Also, in the retreats I have actually been to, a variety of cushions, benches and chairs were offered for specialists. The goal certainly isn't really to abuse on your own but to take the possibility to check out various sensations, consisting of discomfort, and also develop understanding and also wisdom.

Don' t be terrified, numerous individuals have actually been via these retreats before, as well as returned home with enormous advantages. You're not much less able compared to them, and you could certainly do this, it can even alter your life.