#i still wasnt able to sleep
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MY THIRD PIECE(s) FOR @mcytblraufest !! o7
LETS DO THIS ONE LAST TIME, these are for @allusiontomemes 's fic, [ DREAMS FROM WITHIN THE CAGE ] !! we got horrors beyond comprehension, we got multiple universes, we got accidentally destroying said universes, we got desert duo- come on down and see what else is up with these guys!!
thank you allusion and @riceofthepuffedvariety you made me go insane o7
#hermitcraft#goodtimeswithscar#mumbojumbo#mcyt au fest#mcytblraufest23#i had a bigger piece planned but i have been fighting for my life to do things the last 3 days so#i have taken the L and am using the 2 quickies i drew as my big bang pieces for this fic#I WILL FINISH THE BIG ONE......... when i am up for it again vnskdfjvndf#my own hubris was indeed my downfall BUT. BUT!. i still have art for this fic so thats a win for me#also you should read this fic ive been so ill about it i am constantly thinking of aftermath situations#i have put the three of them so gently into my pocket for safe keeping#genuinely putting them in my mouth shaking them around like a dog and its chew toy#and i will be drawing more of this. i am sad that i wasnt able to finish the big piece and draw grian. but i will. i Will#lays down in bed and sleeps for 1000 years
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my brain likes to bounce between aus and lately the lottery is landing back on lights out. im having many thoughts and uhhhh am i changing some things Again? yeah
#well. perhaps not change so much as Add#and those additions tweak certain things methinks#im more confident in this au now that i Know its pretty canon divergent i think#i can get a little more funky with it#before i wasnt sure how aligned it was so i was hesitant to actually do anything with it#but now! now! i know#i can craft the main body of the 'plot' instead of defaulting to the aftermath#im changing around what happens when and If it happens at all#frank still bites it tho. he needs to. shhhh go to sleep frankie its ok you'll be fine#more confident in what to do with wally and where events go and just yeah everything in general#absolutely unprompted#might actually be able to whip up a concrete outline for that possible fic!#im also changing the aftermath so fucking much and im having Fun with it#new troubles for everyone! more distress in new ways for them!#and transformative experiences for certain others!
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It's been so long since the last time I hallucinated that I forget how jumpy and skittish I get afterwards guhhhh
#im okay the hallucinations werent bad in what i saw and felt but#struggling with sleep and perceiving reality can individually trigger me a loy#so combining them made for a combo that wouldve been devastating hadnt i come this far in recovery#and it helped that friend was there to help me talk through it#but man i still notice how affected i get by it#every little noise every little shadow im jumping and freaking out by reflex over the most minor things#even my sibling walking up without me realizing terrified me in a way it doesnt normally#and again what i saw and perceived during the hallucinations wasnt even bad!!!#i just cant seem to shake off the awful feelings afterwards even when i dont panic about it#i was told by doctor who helped me getting on meds back in the day that like#id likely always be prone to various degrees of relapse during stress#which i noticed a lot#but its been 2 years of relative peace and 1 year since i shook off the last remnants affecting me daily#and even in just that year i somehow forgot just how easy it is to fall back into those fears#but im calm rn and able to sit outside in the dark without feeling even a smidge of fear#so jumping from noises is fine all things considered#the fact that i even got to this point is proof enough#anyway sorry for venting#silvi talks
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guess who woke up sick qwq
#it hurts to swallow#i took medicine to help it (hopefully) but it still hurts#my nose is stuffy too which isnt fun#i woke up early today because of my throat hurting and i wasnt able to go back to sleep qwq#jay silly post#jay bleu post
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a double flash event near empire territory has been detected by satellites
#unless eggman just doesnt test his nukes at all#although he could do underground tests#im actually a little intrigued by his decision to murder-suicide by launching an SLBM at station square while he was still there in sa1#why use surface burst? its like he wasnt trying to maximize destruction at all#moreover how was he able to get a ballistic missile submarine so close to station square#coast guard was sleeping?#also SLBMs are mostly used as second strike (retaliation) rockets since theyre more likely to survive a first strike due to being underwate#where are your normal icbms eggman#maximizing retaliatory capacity is beta nuclear power behaviour#dont you want to set the standard for what your enemy can strike? loser#unfortunately i was forced to read 400 pages about nuclear programs + development last weekend and its rotting my brain#tons of nuclear accident reports too#theyre kinda wild like these morons actually drove a bomber into a warehouse full of nukes that should have blown up a significant#chunk of england. and they just didnt go off so they got very lucky#also reactors used to catch on fire a lot#redposts
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trigger warning. do not read if you dont want to read something triggering.
#my bf is a fucking rapist#i told him i didnt want to have sex again because it was getting late and i have work tomorrow#and he usually takes a long time to finish after round 1 so i didnt want to stay up an extra hour#and he started manipulating me and pleading and saying he loved me and i dont know why i capitulated but#the fact that i said ok after 10 no's?#and i was crying#i was crying while i sucked his dick and while he fucked me#and he told me to struggle more because he found it hot#he thinks rape is hot#and after he joked about being a good manipulator and being able to get me to disregard my boundaries#which is true#but like he knows im an abuse survivor and have trouble with boundaries#the fuckdd up thing is he was the one who taught me to have boundaries#he told me to tell my mom to eat a dick when shes egging on my eating disorder#he told me i didnt have to stick around when my mom was calling me slurs for breaking dishes or failing classes#and here he is being proud that he managed to get through an abuse victims boundaries#he also joked about waking up to the cops at his door#which like shows that deep down inside he knows what he did is wrong#and if i wasnt such a cool girl i could get him into trouble#not like cops here persecute rape anyways but#i pretended to like it after the fact because i still needed him to take me home and i didnt wanna start a fight#but holy shit#idk what to do...#i mean im going to leave him fuck the trip#im shaking i dont even know how ill be able to go to work tomorrow#when this whole thing was over me wanting to get a reasonable amount of sleep on a work night#misiabear rants
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Greg in every episode of CSI (139/328) • Post-Mortem •
#csi#greg sanders#catherine willows#sara sidle#gil grissom#nick stokes#warrick brown#there he is! my favourite white boy!#own post#mine: every episode#I have so many thoughts feelings and opinions on this episode#starting with it bugs me when nick and warrick are talking and warrick says “did it never occur to greg to just reverse and get out...#... of the alley?“ as if him or nick wouldnt have done the EXACT same thing? no way would they have just sat there and watched that gang...#... beat up some innocent guy? no way.#other thing that bothers me in that last scene where the brother is in the car WHY IS GREG JUST STANDING THERE FKN MOVE MAN OMGG#and everything else is just sad :(( the scene with Greg and Sofia is just heartbreaking “I just want to be able to sleep again”...#like please stab me that would be less painful I swear#and when Grissom tells him he did a good job his sigh of relief like god man it hurts#i take back what I said about showing him in a “dark place” like he says in the reboot I dont think I'd watch s7 if they had done that...#... it still would have been good though#oh AND the scene where the judge asks him about the wine.... theres something about the way Greg answers idk is kinda hot?? just the way...#... he shuts everyone down like “Alcohol wasnt a factor bc how much I had and the rate the wine would burn off I had nothing in me after...#... an hour and a half let alone when I ran the guy over 😎👉#Greg Sanders making science sexy since 2006 😌
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bloodwork came back normal (derogatory) and its gonna be at least 2 weeks till i can talk to my dr abt next steps, tried to find another clinic to go to but got scared off by bad reviews/my own prior bad experiences for the close ones, the distance/inaccessibility for the far ones, and cant get a virtual appointment anywhere until august, so like. that sucks
#also im experiencing Side Effects from my new meds#not like. dangerous/severe ones#just a headache + the shakes#but still#im so bummed my bloodwork came back normal#like. a few of my values were borderline#enough that i wanna ask the dr abt if they cld be causing/worsening at least some of my symptoms#but they were only ~borderline so like. not bad enough for them to care ig#story of my fucking life#im always considered juuust outside the range of actually needing help#just physically able enough#just smart enough#just healthy enough#that my problems get dismissed#its why i decided during my breakdown last year that i needed to stop insinctively hiding/downplaying my symptoms#not even just around medical professionals#just. in my life#i need ppl to Know how bad it is#so that maybe someone will actually help me#and also so that i dont feel obligated to push myself too far in the name of “keeping up appearances”#anyway#exhausted and in pain and have Bad Brain so im gonna like. crawl into a ball and hope that my pain meds kick in so i can go to sleep#do you know how hard it is to sleep when youre in pain#its very hard#i wish i wasnt in pain#i rly rly do
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lofi beats to fend off the hallucinations to
#it's the animal crossing wild world soundtrack actually. in case u were wondering#one of the only things known to stop hallucinations is actually constant auditory stimulation btw! that is to say the new meds are ummm :)))#theyre helping but im still not 100%... im actually a little worried now that im typing this?#the meds are helping in so many ways and at first i thought i wasnt hallucinating at night anymore#but the type just changed. sigh. the hallucinations i HAD been having were the... im Afraid a hallucination will happen hallucinations and#the mildly annoying auditory stuff. the suspicious of shadows stuff. now it's the ones that really scare me. the paranoid someone is in the#house theyre hiding you cant sleep without a knife the cat is trying to tell you something everyone is watching you. hallucinations.#these ones are the scariest for me bc even though they usually don't result in visual hallucinations like the previous kind they do usually#result in me behaving Strangely and doing uhh. not. things mentally well people do.#but for now im able to tell myself to not sleep with a knife and blast animal crossing music until my roommate gets back and i feel safer#in the house.#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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not my first reaction to this information as i learned it during the intermission of challengers (yes i finally went to see it) and i was having a lowkey breakdown through the intermission and the beginning of the second half a little bit but ummm: well of fucking course i literally dont deserve anything
#why did i even try this hard. i dont think i deserve anything tbh#dont mind me sounding dramatic im actually fine like lol#im sad but ok but also like. i got used to being a failure and a disappointment this last year so#i feel very tired now. it wasnt a bad day overall and im happy i decided against going alone today#bc i wouldve literally ended up crying in public if i was alone lmfao#ah. ahhhhh :/ i really really really was hoping for a better outcome#stupid girl as always#anyway i really am fine i just need to be dramatic for a moment. i truly do not deserve anything i get ever im sorry#if anyone read until this point and wondering what the fuck couldve happened that got me like this#well it's truly not that important in the grand scheme of things and im being stupid#got wait listed for another scholarship lmao </3#truly stupid and foolish of me to even think from the start that i could do this lmao#what's even more stupid is im still like well. well 🤠 hey maybe 🤗#i just know im going to be feeling extremely guilty for even existing even if i end up being able to go at this point lmao#and it's so stupid to even write all this. over something like this when people have real problems and stuff lmao#truly what did i think make me worthy of this chance im so not special and dont deserve this etc etc#all this negative self talk and i will still be sleeping like 😴😴😴 still hoping for the best dont worry#and that's because im stupid#🗒#i will drink tea this day has been lacking tea so critically :/
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yeah i can't come to class today, sorry. yeah. yeah. it's cause my hair's too long. mhm. gonna put me out of commission til the weekend at least
#fuck it's too long it's too long it's too long hate hate hate hate hate kill kill kill#i am resisting the urge to cut it all off with scissors but just barely#i havent been able to go home lately and my clippers are there. fUCKK#ITS TOO LONG SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE#i cant stop thinking about shaving my head again or at least cutting it short#it's summer i should have short hair summer is for short hair FUCKK THIS IS WEIRD#i feel like a sad stonermetal mushroom. in middle school. and NOT in a cool way if that wasnt clear!!#hhhhhhhhgnnnghfhn fuckk i feel so gross and weird#i didnt even do anything why are my spoons gone FUCKK. SHITITTTUJ DAMMIT#this is so dumb i literally skipped my second class for no reason and i have so mucj work but i didnt even do anything#i shoudktn be this out ofnit. euhhhhhghh#and i have a new friend and he really really wants to hang out and i dont hav.e the spoons#but i feel so bad.. and i have other ppl i wanna hang out with but i cant bring nyself to readh out#and even if they reached ouy i probably wouldnt be able to respond and i have to go see a show thid week too#bc theyre doing into the woods and i love that shit and i promised id go ans ive been lookign forward to it for months#but i cant. bwuhhhhhhhhghhhh#and i cant just tell the new friend i don't wanna hang out twice this week (one is the play) bc i blew him off all last week#i really dont wanna hurt his feelings but i really can't communicate like he wants me to. and ive kinda said that but still#mmmmmmnnnnuguhghh hes only doing it bc i mean a lot to him but it's moving so fast ans I can't really be there forbhim the way he probably#deserves.. i should probably eat skmething idk. eughhhhhhhhgghhghhggh. melting into a pile of slop and slurry rn#just gonna sink into my bed and not sleep and feel bad. hoorayy
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.
#i truly wish my piece of shit father would die like. he went out and got some mystery flu like illness and is going around the house hacking#up shit from his throat and spitting it and blowing his nose on towels and shit and touching every surface and handle and not washing his#hands and lowkey like. me catching something like this after my surgery could get really bad really fast because of my stitches holding my#organs in and not being able to clear my lungs re:stitches and will just like drown in my sleep or whatever and i cant even bring myself to#be upset because he is an antivaxer who did this shit all pandemic long and ive just always assumed there's the possibility that i could#die just from him being the biggest most narcissistic inconsiderate piece of shit he can possibly be and like made my peace with it#like yeah i guess i might die from having a piece of shit father who dosent care if i live or die#god i wish i wasnt trapped here and could go back to my apartment but i still struggle with literally everything 😭😭😭#lowkey want to die in my sleep i hate this fucking shithole place so much
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maybe i exaggerated a bit by bringing my coat w me😩
#i havent been able to update yaaallll on my life today!!!#basically i had an exam (failed both parts) then i met w a friend#who organized a kind of meet-up w ppl from the dorms (from when she was there. kinda like the 'main' friendgroup#ive had in the dorms tbh). it got cut short bc most ppl couldnt come (work) bc they were gonna be late#so i left on the bus back home. which she took w me. and then i basically sprinted to catch my (city) bus to my house#i literally wen 'hi. bye' to my dad. bc now i have to meet w another friend for her bday dinner#and i wasnt sure i was gonna make it at the time she said to meet#but it seems i actually might???? idk#but anyways i grabbed a jacket in case it got chilly tonight and rn im in the bus and im fine#but when i stepped outside my house w the jacket i thought maybe i had overdone it#ok no im definitely gonna be (a bit) late lmao#ive had 4 hrs (i think) of sleep today plus the maybe 10-15 minutes on the bus. idk how im still standing tbh#z xarre
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Tfw I know I'm mentally unstable (in general) but then I end up being mentally unstable (active) and I'm like "lmao wtf r u doing? Suck it up already"
And then im.just standing here in my brain like
🧍
#speculation nation#negative/#i guess.#i think ill be okay if i just go home and sleep#the misery of cleaning the boba machine compounded with the adrenaline of trying to catch a shop release b4 it sold out#which sounds stupid but when ur keyed up and very hungry and tired then it just compounds#and so i am. blegh.#still need to bike home. and shower. and sleep.#i bought a sandwich bc i realized i wasnt gonna be able to cook. lol.#i'll do the dishes at some point...
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My mom doesn't even know why I can't login to my bank account so that's kinda concerning but I gotta go to the bank tomorrow to finally get a checking account and a debit card so hopefully they can figure out what's going on.
#gonna get my liscence renewed too since it expires this year but i'll be out of state when it does#my mom's real upset i'll be gone for christmas and i still havent told i'll be gone for so long cuz my dad's gonna get me therapy#and i need to at least stay long enough to benefit from a lot of therapy sessions and getting the right medication and hopefully disability#also. when i woke up i wasnt feeling sick anymore so that was fucking weird. cuz i sure as hell was before i went to sleep#and im also once again on the verge of having a panic attack cuz i cant bring the ps5 with me when i leave#games are my therapy right now and the idea of no ps games and not being able to play 7r part 2 when it comes out is. not helping me.#i need meds so bad yall. so bad. i am not well.#personal
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It's 6:30AM and I just changed my bedsheets. I figured I should be nice to myself before calling the day done. Hopefully I sleep okay, but honestly I'm expecting nightmares.
#ive been using little medicine cups for my meds instead of my actual pill organizer for no good reason and i have finally paid the price#there are now some pills on my bedroom floor somewhere but i am too tired to care.#i did go back downstairs to get replacements but i just put em back in the cup. im living dangerously#also changing my sheets gave me an asthma attack 👍#i have to wash my blanket nest blankets soon but thats not something i can think about rn.#i still have dance class at noon so i need to sleep ._.#its been a rough day. i feel like itll carry over. we'll see how i feel when i wake up. i might bail on dance class.#idk theres some stuff i wanted to do today that i wasnt able to do and maybe i can do them when i wake up.#anyways im gonna try to sleep but probably end up scrolling for awhile#batty blogging#text
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