#i struggle to derive any satisfaction from it

[valtsv]

have you ever gotten into fear and hunger? it overlaps with a lot of pathologic fans :00

i want to but i'm so bad at being a gamer that i'm only aware of the general lore/themes and have no actual experience with the gameplay itself

[inkmonster21]

Wildflowers in the Wind

Arthur Morgan x Fem!Reader

Series Masterlist

Warning: DV (fuck Tate Cook)

12. Made of Glass

Tate had returned, and you were once again expected to be the perfect doll, playing the part of the perfect girlfriend.

Each day that passed felt like an eternity without Arthur even saying a word to you. Your days were spent attending to your normal duties, but his absence loomed heavily. You felt a pang of loneliness, the weight of his silence settling deep within your heart.

Tate was constantly present, almost like a permanent shadow. He followed you everywhere, his presence was felt at every corner of the ranch. He constantly filled your attention with his stories, his affection, and his subtle commands.

You were diligently grooming your horse, your focus on the task at hand. Tate sat nearby, his voice full of excitement as he launched into another one of his stories.

Despite your efforts to concentrate on your horse, Tate's voice filled the air, the story he told demanding your attention. You tried to block out his words, focusing on the rhythmic motion of the brush against your horse's coat.

Tate continued his story, oblivious to your lack of interest. He seemed to thrive on the sound of his voice, his words blending into a monotonous stream. The brush in your hand moved mechanically, your mind desperately trying to tune out his rambling.

You sighed, your patience wearing thin as Tate's story rambled on. You tried your best to block out his words, focusing on the feeling of the brush gliding through your horse's hair. Your mind wandered, seeking any distraction from his constant monologue.

Your gaze drifted from your chore, drawn towards the open doors of the barn. There, in the open pasture beyond, you saw Arthur. He was working alongside your father and Will, herding cattle with a rugged grace. His strong frame and determined expression held your gaze captive.

The sight of Arthur in the pasture, his hands firmly handling the cattle, sent a jolt of emotions through you. You were torn between the desire to continue grooming your horse and the urge to simply watch him.

Tate's laughter echoed through the air, breaking your momentary trance. His voice pulled your focus back to him, his words filling the air. "And do you know what I said?" he asked, his tone tinged with both arrogance and expectation. You knew he was asking a rhetorical question, but you felt obligated to respond. With a forced smile, you replied, "No, what did you say?" Despite his arrogance, you felt compelled to indulge his storytelling.

Tate's smirk widened at your response, his ego satisfied. "I said," he began dramatically, his voice filled with pride, "That ain't gonna happen, buddy. You’ll lose everything by spring." His words rang in the air, seeking admiration for his bold statement. You nodded, your smile strained as you feigned interest. "Wow," you replied flatly, struggling to find enthusiasm in your voice.

Tate seemed pleased with your response, oblivious to your lack of genuine interest. He chuckled, his attention still on his story. "And do you know what he did?" he asked, his eyes sparkling with anticipation. You sighed, resigning to the fact that you would have to continue this charade. With a forced smile, you replied, "No, what did he do?" Tate leaned in, his eyes gleaming with self-satisfaction. "He dropped on his knees and started begging me for help." His words were filled with arrogance as if he derived pleasure from the thought of someone begging him for assistance.

You took a deep breath, grateful for the distraction. Stepping away from Tate's inflated ego, you made your way to the henhouse, basket in hand. The chickens clucked softly as you approached, their curiosity piqued. You knelt, placed the basket on the ground, and began collecting the eggs, one by one.

As you went about your task of gathering eggs, you felt Tate following close behind. The constant presence of his footsteps echoed behind you, a reminder of his persistent attention. With a quiet sigh, you ignored his closeness and continued your task.

You focused on the task at hand, trying to tune out the sound of Tate's footsteps. With each egg you picked up and gently placed inside the basket, you felt a subtle sense of annoyance grow within you. The presence of Tate at your heels was becoming increasingly irritating, but you tried your best to suppress your irritation.

Tate's voice broke the relative silence, his question cutting through the air. "What are you going to wear to Harper's wedding?" he inquired, his curiosity piqued. You paused briefly, straightening your back to meet his gaze. "I haven't thought about it," you replied, your voice tinged with a hint of annoyance.

Tate's expression revealed his surprise, his eyes widening at your response. "You haven't?" he asked incredulously, clearly taken aback by your lack of preparation. You let out a deep sigh, frustration bubbling within you. "No, I haven't," you replied, a hint of impatience in your voice. "I've been too busy to worry about a stupid dress.”

Tate frowned at your words, his eyes narrowing slightly. "That's not very proper of you," he remarked, his tone a mix of concern and disapproval. "You should have a dress picked out by now." A mix of annoyance and defiance welled up within you at his words. "And why should I?" you retorted, the irritation clear in your tone. "It's just a wedding."

Tate shook his head, disappointment etched across his face. "It's more than just a wedding," he replied, his tone carrying a hint of condescension. "It's a big event, (Y/N). You should take it seriously and take pride in your appearance." Your irritation grew, and you couldn't hold back a sharp retort. "And why do I need to take it seriously?" you asked, your voice filled with a mix of defiance and frustration. "It's not like it's my wedding, is it?"

Tate scoffed, his demeanor becoming more authoritative. "Because it's expected of you," he replied firmly, leaving no room for argument. "It's proper etiquette to look your best at a wedding. You don't want to embarrass me, do you?"

You couldn't believe the audacity of Tate's words, his assumption that you should prioritize his image over your comfort. With a scoff, you shot him a cold glance, your irritation obvious. You turned away from him, your eyes fixed back on the basket of eggs in front of you. "I have chores to do," you stated firmly, your voice holding no room for argument.

Tate huffed in annoyance, his ego bruised by your defiant response. He stalked off, his footsteps echoing loudly as he walked away, leaving you with a sense of temporary relief. As Tate entered the house, he was immediately greeted by Mable, who had a freshly baked cookie in hand. She smiled warmly and offered him the treat, her kind gesture seemingly pleasing Tate's ego. Tate graciously accepted the cookie, a small smile forming on his lips. "Ah, thank you, Mrs. Thompson," he said, his voice tinged with a hint of satisfaction. He took a bite, savoring the taste.

Harper joined the conversation, taking a cookie herself. With an amused smile, she turned to Tate and remarked, "I'm surprised you lasted that long in the barn." Tate's expression shifted to one of annoyance as he replied, "As long as I could." He rolled his eyes in frustration. "I don't understand why she insists on doing barn chores. It's not proper for a lady to be doing such manual labor."

Harper's smirk widened, a mischievous glint in her eyes as she continued, "Oh, and last week she went hunting with one of the cowboys. Can you believe it? A lady on a hunting trip? It's unheard of." Tate's frown deepened at the revelation, his disapproval evident. "Hunting? That's simply improper," he said, his tone stern. "A lady should never engage in such a rugged activity. It's uncivilized.” Harper continued nonchalantly, a smirk still playing on her lips. "Oh, she enjoyed it. Spent most of her time giggling with that cowboy."

Tate's eyes narrowed, a hint of possessiveness seeping into his tone. "Which one?" he repeated, his words tinged with curiosity and a touch of jealousy. Harper pretended to ponder for a moment, enjoying Tate's growing irritation. "I believe it was..." she began, drawing out the suspense. Harper allowed a brief pause, her smirk widening as she watched Tate's growing annoyance. "I believe it was... Arthur," she finally revealed, the name hanging in the air with a sense of satisfaction. Tate's expression turned to visible discontent, the name hitting a nerve. "Arthur," he repeated gruffly, his tone hinting at his dislike of the man mentioned.

Tate's mind began formulating a plan. He was determined to assert his dominance and make sure you understood the boundaries of your behavior. He couldn't bear the thought of you spending time with another man, especially some cowboy.

Tate remained patient, biding his time until the perfect moment presented itself. Just like in the beginning days of your relationship, he chose a familiar setting, one that held memories and emotions. He orchestrated a walk together, hoping the surroundings would stir up feelings and create a vulnerable atmosphere.

Tate took the lead, his footsteps falling into a steady rhythm. His gaze flicked over to you, studying your expression, searching for any signs of discomfort. He walked steadily, his steps taking you both further away from the main farm. As the river came into view, Tate knew he had walked far enough away from the main house. It was the perfect spot for a private conversation—away from prying eyes and curious ears.

Tate, fueled by pent-up frustration and a desire to assert control, became rough. Without hesitation, he pushed you against a nearby tree trunk, the impact harsh and unexpected. The force of Tate's push left you reeling, your back colliding against the rough and textured bark of the tree trunk. The impact was jarring, and a sharp pang of pain shot through your spine as your body made contact with the solid surface.

With a firm grip, Tate held you in place against the tree trunk, his eyes meeting yours with a mix of anger and desperation. "The hell are you doing? Get off me!" you protested, straining to free yourself from his stronghold. But Tate's grasp was unyielding, his fingers wrapped tightly around your arm, holding you captive against the tree trunk. The bark scraped against your skin, rough and unforgiving, as you tried to free yourself from his grip.

Suddenly, his palm collided with your cheek, the sharp sound of flesh connecting with flesh filling the air. The impact stung, leaving a sharp pain radiating through your face, and causing tears to well in the corners of your eyes. Tate's voice cut through the air, his tone sharp and accusatory, tinged with a hint of disbelief. "Did you think I wouldn't find out?" he repeated, his words echoing through the silence, filled with a mix of anger and hurt.

Tate's words spilled out, his tone dripping with disdain and disapproval. "Fraternizing with... one of those dirty lowlifes?" he repeated, his voice carrying a hint of disdain. The word "fraternizing" hung in the air, its implication clear. “I didn’t-“ Before you could even finish your sentence, Tate's hand lashed out once more, landing another sharp crack across your cheek. The impact stung, the pain intensifying with each strike, as tears welled up in the corners of your eyes.

The words hit you like a sharp knife, each syllable striking deep into your core. "Acting like a whore." The accusation stung more than the physical pain, cutting through your very being. Tate's hand raised once more, his expression remaining as cold as ice. You instinctively flinched, bracing yourself for another stinging impact. Tate's hand hovered in the air, momentarily suspended before dropping back to his side. The tension in the air was palpable, and the lack of sound was almost deafening.

Tate's demeanor shifted, his touch transforming from rough and harsh to gentle and possessive. He cupped your face softly in his hand, his touch a stark contrast to the violence he had just inflicted. His voice softened, filled with a mix of possessiveness and admiration, "You're just so beautiful," he murmured, his gaze locked onto your face as he held your face gently in his hand. "And you're all mine. I can't let anyone ruin that."

Your heart raced in your chest, fear and trepidation coursing through your veins. Every nerve in your body is on edge. The sudden shift in Tate's behavior was unnerving, his possessiveness and control leaving you feeling unsettled.

You stumbled as you walked back towards the house, the impact of Tate's harsh words and his firm grip on you still weighing heavily on your mind. Your feet felt heavy, each step taking a tremendous amount of effort. The pain of the impact on your cheek throbbed with each step, and your hand instinctively went up to touch the sensitive area.

As you entered the house, your emotions threatened to spill out, your lip trembled uncontrollably. You tried desperately to hold back the tears, to maintain your composure. You were acutely aware of the possibility of others seeing you in your vulnerable state, and the last thing you wanted was for anyone to witness your shattered demeanor.

So you clenched your jaw, trying to hold back the flood of emotion that threatened to spill over. You averted your gaze from the others, desperate to hide the pain and fear etched on your face. You walked briskly, hoping to reach the safety of your room where you could finally let down the facade and let tears fall.

Your mother's cheerful voice pierced the tense atmosphere, her words striking a familiar and painful chord. "I’m just so glad Tate is home. He’s the perfect man for you," she proclaimed, her tone filled with enthusiasm and expectation.

You were trapped, bound by the expectations of your role as Tate's doll. If you made a mistake, if you strayed from the path Tate had laid out for you, the consequences would be severe, potentially leaving you shattered and broken.

Your response was mechanical and insincere, a scripted reply meant to appease your mother. "Yeah, he’s great,” you echoed, your words heavy with hidden emotions and an underlying truth that only you were aware of.

[sch-com]

Specific manifestations of schizoid PD in my life

see similar post for anakastic PD / OCPD

When I first heard of my personality disorders, it was hard for me to notice their role in my life. Part of it was that I was younger, and with less experiences, but part of it was that by nature PDs are so ingrained it's hard to see the full scope of their influence. Particularly I struggled to see the "dysfunction" part - I was thinking that sure, I do experience that, but is it really that bad? And you can't have a PD without the dysfunction, so do I even count? I think that now, after some time and more reflections, I can say I do see the dysfunction, so I thought to share my observations.

Using the DSM V criteria for schizoid PD:

1/ Neither wants nor likes close relationships, counting being part of a family / Has no close friends other than immediate relatives

When I was first moving out for university, I didn't really have any close enough friends I would feel truly comfortable moving with. It limited my choices, and influenced the one I ultimately made (a mistake).

Also, when I was moved out and experienced my first full-blown mental health crisis, I didn't have anyone around me to rely on.

Studying in uni is much harder when I am not talking with people in my class. Normally students support each other, share notes etc I imagine. I have to do everything alone.

Talking to people = opportunities. And support. Real, material support of being physically near. Going to places together, someone having a job opprotunity, hell even having anyone around in case of an emergency.

I suspect at least part of my emotional problems can be attributed to my self-imposed isolation. Occassionaly when I do talk to someone, it's like... an altered mental state, in a good way. When I laugh, I feel physically good. And it's easier to laugh with other people around. It's the little things I think, that are crucial and I am largely missing out on.

2/ Almost constantly picks introverted activities

Sharing what you do can help you progress faster. Sharing your art and getting critique, joining language classes. Sure I can do all of this on my own as well, but it may be sub-optimal. I think it's a matter of balance - and if I consistently choose to opt out of group activities, it could be seen as dysfunctional.

Also again, doing stuff with other people = meeting other people = getting the social connection, vital for even physical health, and gaining access to opportunities and support.

Other people can also motivate you, or keep you accountable for doing something. When I do (almost) everything on my own, I have to well, rely on my motivation / determination, which is often hard (more on that in 4/).

3/ Has little if any, thought in engaging in any sexual experiences

Frankly I am asexual, so I wouldn't say it's causing me any distress. I suppose that lack of sexual life can be viewed as lack of a major life activity, if you want to interpret it that way.

However, somewhat connected to 4/, it's hard for me to say 100% that sex life is something I truly don't want, or if it's just another thing I am opting out of out of the lack of reward. More on that below.

4/ Seldom derives pleasure from any activities

The emotional implications are written into the criterium itself. Lack of pleasure is I think dysfunctional already.

But, adding on the above - lack of pleasure/satisfaction definitely made me lose a lot of motivation for doing anything. I have disengaged from hobbies because of it. I have disengaged from studies, from social activities, from even simple things watching movies, reading, or cooking a good meal because of this. I have to force myself to do pretty much anything. There is not a single thing that I do simply because I truly enjoy it - I need another reason on top, like an obligation.

What I mean by the above, is that... I think I have opted out of things because they don't bring me much emotional reward, not the other way around (so it's NOT that I don't get a lot of joy because I don't do things). I remember when I was younger and more active in life, doing something like travelling, or acomplishing something, and emotionally not getting anything out of it. So I wished I was just in bed and not doing the thing, because at least it's less effort, for the same emotional reward (= lack thereof). And as I became an adult with more control over my day-to-day, I stopped many major life activities because I can. And it's all the same.

5/ Appears apathetic to the admiration or disapproval of others

For me it's largely related to 4/, because I don't get much internal reward from external stimuli, it also manifests in how this criterium describes it.

I've had people believe in me in the past. Try to encourage me, praise me, tell me they see a potential. But I... couldn't believe them. I don't feel this, it's all the same if I am awarded something or not. External rewards don't cause internal reaction, so like why bother? Why bother going after this hard thing, winning a competition, if after I acomplished it it's all the same void? I put the effort into something, only for this to not matter. So I stopped putting so much effort.

I think it may also discourage others from trying to help me, because historically I haven't shown much reaction, or improvement, or gratefulness for their honest efforts. To give up on me, because I seem like this empty shell of a person. But I don't really know, I think it would have to be someone else to confirm this.

6/ Shows emotional coldness, detachment, or flattened affectivity

People told me that I appear flat and so it's hard for them to read me. It's hard to know what I think, and some became afraid that I was judging them, when I... I don't? Overall, this one makes it really hard to connect to others and to be understood. So it makes me feel even more like an alien.

I have also hurt people because of this. Because I detach, I isolate, I forget about people. I am the friend you have to message to get a conversation, or schedule a meetup, because I don't initiate. I know it's a hard position to be in, and I don't want to hurt anyone, so I only disengaged more to not even have any friends that would care about me enough to be hurt by my isolation.

Because I seem all the same (flat and withdrawn) all the time, it's harder to notice when I am struggling. I can be in the throws of depression and actively suicidal, but outward appear pretty much the same. So people don't believe me, not even professionals, and I have been neglected because of this.

[shall-we-die]

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{Game}

Is this a game to them? || How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

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↬[Fandom]•⊰ {Jujitsu kaisen}࿐

↬[Warnings]•⊰ {Yandere behaviors}࿐

☰[Main list]•⊰ ────┈┈{0082}┈─╮

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╰┈➤Likes/Reblogs are appreciated࿐

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↬|Gojo|

I think he’d probably treat it like some kind of sick game, yeah. Maybe he’d even intentionally make it easy to escape and make it more interesting for himself to see if you’d still go. Gojo would get a kick outta that. He’d enjoy watching you struggle and fight to get away. It’d turn into a “the thrill of the chase” type thing... If you somehow managed to get away, he’d simply kidnap you again. He wouldn’t let you go that easy. It would be all for his own entertainment, basically. He’d make things easy for you, but if you actually managed to escape, he’d come and find you. Again. And again. And again. He’d kidnap you, take you back to his secret base. Tie you up, maybe give you a shock collar, just to make sure you’d never leave him again. You wouldn’t have any freedom, not anymore. You belonged to *him.* And no matter how many times you tried to escape, Gojo would always find you.

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↬|Geto|

As a sociopath, he sees people like toys, he just takes things he wants. He will most likely feel excitement watching and chasing his darling and amused at the effort they try to escape from him. He would enjoy watching them struggle because it confirms his power and authority over his darling. He would also think that he is doing all this because it is necessary; this also shows how delusional he is.

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↬|Nanami|

Yes, he sees it all as like a game. He would absolutely enjoy seeing his darling try to escape. It's all part of his game and he gets a thrill from chasing and captures them. He thrives on having complete control over his darling, and he finds no greater joy than making them completely under his command. He is the type that is extremely possessive and controlling.

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↬|Sukuna|

Of course, he's the King of Curses after all. If his darling tried to escape, Sukuna would enjoy watching them as he follows a distance away and watch them run like a frightened bunny. With a smirk on his face, his twisted nature would find pleasure in the game of catch and escape. He would toy with his darling's fear, laughing at their helplessness. He would make them believe they have a chance to escape, but in the end their escape would be futile. With his immense power, he could easily catch up to them and relish in their despair. Every move his darling makes would be under his constant observation, as he would find delight in their desperate attempts to flee.

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↬|Itadori|

He derives satisfaction from watching his partner try to escape but in a gentler way. Instead of finding pleasure in their suffering, he'd find entertainment in the way they try to resist his advances. He'd appreciate the playful banter and cat-and-mouse game, knowing it's all part of a deeper, twisted love he harbors. However, he'd still set up challenges and obstacles, but his main goal would be to keep them interested and keep the romantic tension alive.

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↬|Inumaki|

Yandere Inumaki would never be satisfied if his beloved could escape easily, so yes, he would enjoy it very much if they tried to escape. That's part of the fun for him. You trying to escape him would only add to the challenge, and it would drive him to want to put more effort into keeping you close. He would find it extremely attractive and cute if you tried to run away. He would take full advantage of his cursed speech, using it to command you to stay and make you obey his every word. "Stop." "Sit." "Stay right there." He might also use his cursed speech in other ways, like forcing you to only eat food he has prepared, or only wear clothes he picked out for you. He craves to have complete control over you. Yandere Inumaki would love it if you struggled and fought against him, as it would fuel his desire for domination.

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↬|Megumi|

He is cold and reserved person, but he has a deep affection for anyone he loves. As a yandere, he is possessive and obsessed with those he cares. He will do anything to keep them safe and protect them. He enjoys watch his s/o trying to escape because it gives him an opportunity to chase after them and reaffirm his control and affection toward them. He will chase after them like a cat playing with a mouse, teasing them and enjoying the fact that they are unable to escape his grasp. He will relish the moment of catching them and the feeling of keeping them all to himself. He may even become aroused by their attempts to resist him, as he believes they belong to him and only him.

||[🄶ame]||

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     ⇆ㅤㅤ◁🄵ㅤㅤ❚❚ㅤㅤ🄷▷ㅤㅤ↻

[beatmyfeet]

Your pain is my pleasure, and I will take as much pleasure as I want.

Every cry of agony, every whimper of pain you let out only amplifies my pleasure. Your pain is a symphony to my ears, a melody that resonates with my domination and power. I savor every moment of your suffering, for it is the living proof of my supremacy over you.

There are no limits to the ways I can derive pleasure from your pain. Whether it is through blows, clamps, or any other form of torture, every method I use is a tool to enhance my satisfaction. Your skin marked by my scratches, your body trembling under my blows, all of it is a work of art that showcases my power and your submission.

I will take all the time necessary to explore the limits of your endurance, to push every boundary until you can no longer bear it. And even then, I will continue, for your pain gives me immeasurable pleasure. You are here to satisfy my darkest desires, to be the instrument of my sadistic pleasure.

Every tear you shed, every breath you struggle to take is a victory for me. I revel in your inability to escape my control, in your total helplessness against my will. Your suffering is an offering, a sacrifice you make for my pleasure, and I accept it with joy and greed.

Always remember that your pain is an integral part of my pleasure. I will stop at nothing to extract every drop of suffering from you, to turn your pain into my personal delight. I will take as much pleasure as I want, for your suffering is merely a means to amplify my enjoyment and reinforce my power over you.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Trimax Thoughts Vol. 3 Pt. 2

Oh boy. So this might be a little silly but I can't stop thinking about the face. I want to give my own interpretation of it because I did notice something earlier on that I think gives it a bit of context.

Yes, it's this face.

Ok. First off, this is undoubtedly a fond look. Unbearably fond, if you ask me. His eye is dark; there's no fear, shock, or feelings of being unsettled. There should be no contention at this point - he cares about Vash.

But the actual feelings expressed by this face are mixed. If you hold up your hand to cover the left side of his face, you'll find a closed eye and a smile. Cover the right side and you'll see an open, half-lidded eye and a small frown. The overall effect is conflicting.

All throughout this volume, Wolfwood has been struggling to come to terms with what Vash is, how he can have seemingly no survival instinct (which directly challenges his worldview), and, importantly, the concept of immortality.

We can split up this immortality concept into two types of immortality. The first is immortality of the self - that runs directly counter to the survival instinct that comprises much of the core of his worldview, and so entities that seem to display proof of immortality are unsettling to him (even more so in Vash's case, since somehow his pacifism survived all this time...).

Immortality of the self is disturbing yet possible to Wolfwood. It is something he can prove through mounting evidence and disprove with a gun. And to have Luida tell him that Vash's use of his immortality is not for healing or fixing himself but purely for others - that's important, because up until that point, Wolfwood had done mental gymnastics to convince himself that Vash could afford to jump into danger because of his immortality, something Vash even refuted earlier ("I don't do this for fun, you know.").

But Wolfwood is not fully convinced until he sees Vash's smile again.

Their entire dynamic started off with Wolfwood immediately noticing Vash's smile hides his pain - but what he's now realizing is that Vash's smile helps him move forwards in spite of the pain too. It's not a mask, it's his armour. It's his way of shielding himself in the same uncaring world they all inhabit. Vash's decision to choose kindness over and over then, isn't because his immortality means he can, but because it is necessary for his survival. It's not a whim, it's something he believes in. These are his ideals. They're genuine.

That's worth the right side's smile. He may still not understand what Vash is - but who he is, as a person, is rather straightforward.

And now, for the other type of immortality - immortality of ideals. Unfortunately, there is no wavering on this front, because there is no way to definitively prove that an ideal will survive, especially in a harsh world like this. Wolfwood's cynicism is on full display.

"Ya can keep on walkin' down this road 'til ya bite the dust. Nothin' will change."

To Wolfwood, ideals can never be immortal, not in a world like this. Vash's efforts seem fundamentally hopeless to a man with no hope.

And so, the left side of the expression; that bittersweet frown. Being unsure of Vash's intentions in the Ninelives scene, Wolfwood is able to appear rather darkly satisfied - he understands a truth of the world that Vash (apparently) does not. He's "won" the argument against Vash's apparently incomprehensible foolishness. Except then he comes to understand that Vash is genuine in his intentions and in his kindness, that he needs to believe in it himself, and suddenly there is no deriving any of this cynical satisfaction anymore.

Wolfwood is still convinced he's right, but now, that takes on a more tragic context.

Vash is good. His ideals are good. And, according to Wolfwood, nothing good lasts.

To me, this bittersweet expression reads as fondness from Wolfwood for Vash, for his kindness and persistence in the face of everything... but it's complicated by the certainty, in his eyes, that eventually, these ideals will die, either when he inevitably succumbs to the world's cruelty, or, what's seeming more likely at this point, when Vash dies himself.

Wolfwood has been sticking around closely with Vash. He might have to watch this happen. He doesn't want to watch this happen. But he thinks it's inevitable. Kind things don't grow.

...or I may just be dramatic and reading into it too much. But that's what I got from it.

[youaremycosmo]

《my cutest psychopath》 taemin x reader scenario

Em, first thing - i don't know what i just wrote. It's definitely sth different ^^ Second thing - all inspired just from this photo, actually fiancé Taemin is supposed (you can imagine him as you want ofc) to look like in 2017-2018, but gosh this gaze?? Third thing - if some of you are waiting for smut from me, not worthy at all XD Word count// 974 words (such a shortie)

Pairing// Taemin x you

Summary// Taemin just after your wedding turns out to be a well-hidden psychopath who wants to have you all for himself. But not in real life.

Genre// fluff (?)

Warnings// um, handcuffing, dominance MASTERLIST

It was supposed to be the most pleasant morning in your life. 

The first morning no longer as a fiancée, but as a wife.

Lee Taemin's wife.

It sounded so... unreal. After all those long years, so satisfying and exciting.

You slowly opened your eyes, expecting either a kiss on your forehead and him asking with a hoarse voice if his love was up already, or his handsome face, still deep in sleep.

But you definitely didn't expect this.

- Eh? - you glanced at your hands, placed unnaturally upwards. Were those... handcuffs? Strapped to the bed...? What...?

With an uncomprehending look, you tried to move your legs, but they turned out to be tied too, preventing you from moving.

What the actual hell...?

Your breath suddenly deepened, trying to remember last evening while staring at the bed in nerves. Did somebody kidnap you? Or dropped something in your drink?

Finally, your attention turned to the man who was sitting across from you. 

Taemin, your husband, just sat in a huge armchair, his hands behind his neck, with a face deep in thought.

His eyes, now sharp and piercing, were so different from the warm and loving ones you saw every day.

He didn't speak. Not a word. He just stared. Like a complete stranger. 

- Taemin, what is this? - you said with slight panic, tugging on the cold metal once more. - Why are you sitting there? Free me... Is this some kind of joke? Very funny - you rolled your eyes, as usual, unable to understand his rather specific humor.

But he didn't smile. His face didn't move even an inch.

- Taemin-ah - you raised your voice, trying to correct your position a little. Unfortunately, those handcuffs didn't give you a chance to do that, moreover you could feel how they encroached your wrists causing slight pain.

- I wonder what to do with you, wifey - his deep voice finally cut the air, while his dark eyes moved over your body. This lack of any emotion slowly felt terrifying.

- What a stupid question, take it off from me - you said impatiently, struggling even more. - Okay, we had a laugh, but I feel like peeing... - you groaned, hoping that this would end this stupid joke. Taem never was the best when it came to spice things up, but that wasn’t even entertaining. 

- You're my wife now, so… - he finally changed position, resting his elbows on his tights. You search for any signs of amusement in this gaze, but without any success. - I think it's impossible, when you’re talking to me like that. 

- What is impossible? - you furrowed your eyebrows, disbelieving what you saw and heard. Cold shiver just came along your spine. - Taemin, I need to use the bathroom - you empathized, wanting this strange roleplaying to end.

- I'll consider it if you ask nicely - he replied, showing his extraordinary satisfaction with what he said.

Finally he smiled, but it wasn’t so bright anymore. He clearly derived pleasure putting you in this state, all vulnerable and not able to do anything without his help.

- My wife will ask me for everything now. And if you disobey... you'll spend a lot of time in this position - he shrugged as if it was completely normal. 

Silence. 

There was a long silence in which you wondered if he couldn’t notice you didn’t enjoy it or it was all… serious. You slowly raised your eyes to him again. The air in the room was suddenly suffocating.

Did you... just marry a psychopath? But... Taemin was never like this. He was always... okay, he was always jealous. Maybe a little restrictive. Could he hide for half of his life just to…

- You're mine. Completely mine. Isn't it wonderful? No way out here... - his happy voice melted somewhere in your head, while he stood up, coming to you. 

⋆୨୧⋆

- Wake up, sleeping princess - you heard his lovely voice, while he kissed your cheek like every morning. You groaned loudly in your pillow, wanting to prolong this sleepy state, especially when it was your free day. 

But then you opened your eyes widely and suddenly raised to a sitting position, causing Taem to almost fell off from the bed. You carefully stared at everything near you, searching for things you saw in your dream.

- I know you don’t like waking up, but this was… extraordinary - Tae laughed, sitting again on the bed in a safe place. - You could just say you want 5 minutes more - he pouted a little, reaching to the bedside table for a large mug, probably with coffee.

But you stared at Tae with a lot of caution, even as he tried to hand it to you.

- Something's wrong? - he tilted his head, frowning.

- I... I had a strange dream, you know? - you ruffled your messy hair even more. - I kind of… woke up and… - you bit your lip before saying it out loud. - You were a… psychopath… I… guess…

- Me? Psychopath? - Taemin giggled, leaning on his hand. His eyes were so attentive, like you just said the funniest joke in your life. - What, have I tried to eat you?

- Eat me? - now you tilted your head, not understanding anything.

- Well, if I had to do something to you, I'd probably eat you. You're so adorable sometimes - he laughed even harder, leaning to you and biting the tip of your nose delicately. - But... I would be sad then, who would kiss me? - he asked more to himself, puffing his cheeks.

You chuckled to yourself, staring at him. Taemin definitely couldn't be a psychopath, he was too cuddly for that.

[kismetconstellations]

@maya-matlin, I know your message was a single character's name, but I'll go ahead and respond for the show, instead, if that's all right.

❤ Favorite character: Takashi Shirogane, my beloved.

👿Least favorite character: Sendak. As awful as Zarkon is, Sendak inspires a visceral hatred in me that only Haggar comes close to. Maybe it's his smug sense of superiority, or the fact that he's Shiro's personal tormentor who not only gets off on torturing Shiro,

but is implied to have sexually violated him, as well.

Regardless, I derive immense satisfaction from the- tragically brief- moment of Shiro getting to overpower Sendak and using the ugly hulking bastard's momentum against him to piledrive him into the ground.

It's not nearly enough, but it's something.

Though, I still think Shiro should have got to kill him. As a treat.

💐Comfort character: Shiro.

And, Hunk.

The sweetest boys. ❤

😍Character you have the biggest crush on: I don't know if I would call it a "crush", but...

I most certainly appreciate Shiro aesthetically.

🤝 Character you relate to the most: Shiro, for his experiences as a trauma survivor grappling with symptoms of self-loathing and PTSD, his fear of being a "broken" "monster", and drive to prove that he's so much more than what he was forced to be, and Hunk, for his anxiety, love of cute things, and desire to bring happiness and comfort to others.

🔥Character you think is overrated:

More emphatically,

and every single one of the Galra, aside from Ulaz. 🧨Character you love to hate: I don't enjoy hating anyone, but I would bring a bag of popcorn to watch Sendak and Haggar duke it out in a fight to the death.

🙈 Character you always forget exists: Any character exclusive to seasons three through six, which I still haven't been able to convince myself to watch because of the clone. I'm sorry, but I cannot take that haircut seriously.

The fact that "Kuron" is so blatantly not Shiro, and gets several seasons of both bonding with Shiro's found family, and driving wedges between them, while the real Shiro, whom I spent two seasons getting to know and love deeply, is dead and languishing on the Astral Plane sits so wrongly with me.

These two men are not the same person. I could go on and on about the differences in confidence levels, how the clone comes across as younger and having a harsher edge, while Shiro seems older, worn, and is much, much softer and gentler. How the clone seems to be wearing eyeliner while Shiro simply has long eyelashes. That Shiro's essence being transferred into the clone's body caused the clone's fringe to magically change shape and grow out, which is unintentionally hilarious--

-- and proves that Shiro would never wear his hair that way...

I beg you, fandom, please stop referring to the clone as Shiro. He's an entirely separate person with a different temperament and his own unique personal struggles; not Actual Shiro with a different (terrible) haircut.

(It's also aggravating that "Kuron" got to reunite with Matt, who Shiro saved, while Post-Resurrection Shiro and Matt have no interaction onscreen. And, if the image I've seen floating around of "Kuron" in a group hug with Team Voltron is something that legitimately happened in the show, and not part of a character's fantasy, it's even more galling that the only people Post-Resurrection Shiro receives hugs from are Keith, right after his revival, and Allura, when she's bidding him farewell before she kills herself.

This man died, and he's only hugged by two people once he's brought back to life. Disgraceful.)

🐰Favorite non-human character: Since so much of the cast is comprised of non-human aliens, I'll reword this prompt a little bit.

My favorite non-human, in the sense that she doesn't have any somewhat human features other than two forward-facing eyes, two hands with fingers and thumbs, two feet, and a mouth located on her face, is Shay.

I love how gentle, sweet, and soft-spoken she is. Precious rock girl.

My favorite non-humanoid character is a three-way tie between Bae Bae,

Kosmo,

and the mice.

Bonus shout out to Kova for having an interesting design and being a space cat.

❤️‍🩹 Character who deserved better: Just one? I'll have to go with the only character who was treated worse than Shiro by the hack brain trusts in charge of the train wreck this show became, and that is, of course, Allura. One could write entire essays covering all of the ways she was heinously wronged by the writers, from never getting the chance to heal from her grief over losing her parents and entire home world and culture, to having her trust exploited and betrayed by Lotor, to bearing the weight of her guilt over that betrayal all the way up to the moment she sacrifices herself, to the utterly needless and cruel sacrifice, itself.

The fact that I've seen fanfiction tags and comments referring to her as a "bitch", and fics where the author warps her character, emphasizing her flaws to a ridiculous degree for the purpose of bashing her, usually complemented by a nice side of Shiro warping and bashing, with the two of them uniting to be great big bullies to Lance, Keith, or both, is absurd and detestable. But, unfortunately, it's the sort of behavior one comes to expect from a fandom populated by majority young, somewhat overzealous fans.

Spite has always been a powerful motivator for me, however, so every encounter with a fic, comment, or post of this nature only makes me like Allura and her vastly under-appreciated friendship with Shiro all the more. The price of being noble, self-sacrificing, hyper-competent, beautiful, and hated by your writers because of it is immature fans who can't or are unwilling to appreciate you, I guess.

Their loss.

---

Thank you so much for the submission! ❤

[treason-and-plot]

REPLIES TO SAFFY LAMBASTING LIAM

@windermeresimblr

Wow! There's Saffy's backbone.

Yeah she's not known for holding back!

@drudragonrose

She's with a boy her own age that she actually likes. Be gone worm!

@ivorycrayon

Man, you write shades of grey so well. It’s hard to root for anybody, but it’s also hard to condemn anybody completely because all your characters’ actions are way too complex. “He’s wrong but..” “She shouldn’t have to deal with this but..” I could use your characters if I ever taught ethics class 😂 (except for Anita, that is, I always struggle to find any redeeming qualities in that lady :P)

Thank you so much Ash! I love writing morally grey characters who have questionable (but hopefully relatable) motives so it's extremely heartening to read your comment. And I love how steadfast you've always been in your opinion of Anita, lol!

@keoni-chan

I don't like this one bit. I hope Liam's brand new backbone doesn't evolve into an "if I can't have you..."-situation 😱

who knows what might have happened if fate hadn't intervened....

@dresdendarlin

Oooh it’s his snapping moment. He’s gonna do something drastic and crazier next.

@batsheba

Ok, now let's see if he, the creep Liam, can process this information?! Whatever happens I hope Saffy will be ok... I'm worried Liam will do something utterly stupid and potentially dangerous.

@oasislandingresident

Ooooh shit's about to go down!!! 🍿

@kimmiessimmies

I'm with @batsheba, this is not going to go down well with Liam...

@wannabecatwriter

Be careful, Saffron. He's in a weird mindstate now.

@bool-prop

Oh no. He's going to snap.

@muses-circle

🤦

@muses-circle

Liam will either have a meltdown right there, in the parking lot, or he'll wait until he's in the middle of class and doing something worse. I'm worried about what his breaking point will look like.

@muses-circle

And Saffron, men DO leave their wives. It's call divorce, honey. Life isn't as black and white as you think.

I didn't write Saffy's speech very well...what she was trying to say was that it's a well-known fact that married men never leave their wives for their side-pieces! She was actually quite enraged that Liam turned out to be the statistical anomaly, lol. That was the last thing she wanted to happen!

@echoweaver

Woo. Saffron's right, but wow she's still got so much growing up to do. OTOH, Liam seemed to be with her in large part because she verbally abused him. It's such a messed up puppy.

Yeah, he seems to derive a perverse satisfaction from being the victim and indulging in self-defeating behaviour. It's also not an accident that the two women in his life routinely humiliate and criticise him.😬

@sweetnovember77

Saffy's words can devastate ANYONE with strong emotions toward another person. It's like a knife to the heart.

Yeah, Saffy can be very acid-tongued. He probably deserved the wake up call but Saffy can count herself very lucky he didn't snap or do something as drastic as Stephanie.

@anamoon63

😮 This is not going to end well. I wish Saffy had been a little more diplomatic. 😔

It definitely did not end well, but fortunately for Saffy she was not the one who was impacted the most! I hope at the very least she learns some important life lessons from this whole sorry experience.

@simsaralove

I really hope this will make Mr. Yucky realize he better go live in the Twinbrook swamps and not make him do something stupid and ruin Saffy’s happiness 😭

@justanothersimsblog

I'd tell her to slap him but I think he likes that so... maybe knee him in the balls then lol

lol he is such a pathetic masochist that he would probably enjoy that too!😆

@greywardenconsort

He's a monster thru & thru

A sad, spineless, loser monster.

@streetlites

That's gotta sting. Bwahahah. Also, what did he think she was going to do? Leap into his arms? She was never like that toward him to begin with.

@mysimsloveaffair

They are both better off without each other. Saffy is doing him a favor and he doesn't even know it. SMH

Liam was always doomed by his poor life decisions and victim mentality. I'm also thinking that it was possible he had affairs as a passive-aggressive form of revenge, but didn't count on falling so heavily for Saffy. In any case, I think he got what he deserved.

[ghostlygardendelusion-blog]

Hello 🙋 could you interpret in short my vedic chart please? (the table that you feel most comfortable to interpret)

Take your time if you can ♥️

Hello dear,

Here you go for your vedic d1 chart interpretation sorry it takes time to analyze thank you for understanding🙏

You are born in the Chitra Nakshatra. Chitra Nakshatra is Ruled by Moon. It Appears To Be A Pearl Or A Bright Jewel Which Symbolize The Shining Light Or The Spirit Within Us.

You are very beautiful and Attractive. you may dream big. You may have attraction towards glamorous lifes( like celebrities) or may have strong desire to achieve all the comforts.

You may be a freedom lover. You may have strong and healthy body. A highly intelligent person who knows everything going behind the curtains. Your fortune will rise after 30 years of age.

Now you have 3 planets conjuction in Ascendant (rahu mercury sun). I see here Paap Kartari yoga where gentle mercury is between 2 strong malefic planets Rahu and Sun. Your Intellect may suffer. It can also cause some illness Related with Nervous System.

You may be highly Ambitious and egoistic. You may feel problem in choosing life path. You may be a creative writer. You may have loss of something related to sun planet (father, ego , confidence) early in your life.

You may prosper more in foreign lands or in business related with foreign lands or foreign products.

Saturn- ketu conjunction can bless you with the ability to become spiritual. You may be interested to Research of the deep studies of occult.

Your 7th house is in sign pieces which is ruled by planet jupiter sitting in 4th house in its own sign sagittarius. You may become fortunate after marriage. You may be highly educated,may enjoy happiness of vehicles and happiness of good property.

Your Mother or Mother like women will play a big part in either meeting to your fs or in your Marriage. Or may be both.

You may marry a highly Spiritual person. You may be blessed by Wealth and prosperity. Your life may revolve around Spiritual values.

You have sun as Darakaraka your fs may be someone in authoritative position or someone from your fs family would be in authoritative position.

You have Moon as Atmakaraka ( soul's desire) or strongest planet in your chart and also your Nakshatra lord. You may be very spiritual and great saint. You may have strong Emotional Attachment To Service and May Derive Emotional Satisfaction From Helping others.

You may possess the power to analyze and have correct instincts Regarding Situations, Things and people. You Should Learn Differentiate between true and false feelings.

Mercury is Exalted in sign of virgo you may have sharp intelligence and healing capability. Mercury is also (R) so you may possess these qualities later in your life. Right now you may be a slow learner.

You have Mars debilitated in sign of cancer it may give you struggles in life and property dispute with siblings.

You may have some hidden talent.

My advice: do meditation it will enhance your Instincts power. Be patience and don't indulge yourself in any negative or toxic addiction.

I am not professional. Still learning vedic astrology so please take only what resonates with you.

Do good karma , help who in need, love yourself ❤

[loadednachosao3]

i admire how much you write and how varying your writing is, and i've always struggled with having a bunch of ideas ruminating but never putting pen to paper. the most i've done is brainstorm but it's just so hard for me to start. i often get sidetracked and end up thinking of another story idea and plotting that out instead. do you have any tips on beginning to hammer out a multi-chapter story?

so the biggest aspect of it for me is brainrot LMAO, I am autistic and have a tendency to hyperfixate, so the first step is to develop autism

just kidding kinda, the real first step is, if you're finding that you're just plotting and never writing... perhaps consider taking a step back from all the plotting and write a bit to see where things go? for lots of people (esp those with ADHD), the brain operates in a feedback loop of seek dopamine > obtain dopamine > feel better until you need more dopamine, wherein obtaining dopamine can come from either doing the thing... or just talking about it. sets off the same receptors!

it seems to me you might be getting into a loop of plotting too much and deriving enough enjoyment/satisfaction out of it that you don't want to write the story anymore! so even though it might be a little intimidating, try to write by the seat of your pants for a bit. you don't have to post it as you finish each chapter! you can always sit on the chapters and rearrange/rewrite things as you develop your plot, if that's more your style. but when plotting doesn't get you anywhere, the best way to write is to just start vomiting stuff onto paper! it's fun, too. the story develops in ways you could never imagine just by outlining!

also, don't think you HAVE to write one story start to finish and then move on to another. look at what I do lmao! I mean, I'm sure some people would prefer that you focused on just one, but that's not what fanfiction is about, y'know? it's about having fun, not pleasing everyone to your own detriment. so fuck it! write them all at once! bounce back and forth based on what interests you most at the time. there's nothing wrong with this method, and nothing wrong if you can't finish them all! just remember:

it doesn't even have to suck to hit da bricks! interest in things fade, and that's okay. don't let the potential disappointment of random-ass fanfic nerds who get angry about unfinished wips stop you! because I promise, even if you don't complete everything, there will be many people out there glad you even started.

[usbshitake]

“As Gavin separates from you, leaving you gasping for more, a mix of anticipation and surrender fills the air. With a commanding yet sensual touch, he guides your tightly bound hands beneath your legs, repositioning you on your belly. The shift in position leaves you feeling completely surrendered, your head resting on the soft surface of the bed.

With a tone laced with both taunt and authority, he commands, "Arch your back for me, darling. Let me see just how much you want it." His words carry a potent mixture of dominance and allure, leaving no room for hesitation. You can feel the weight of his control in every syllable, igniting a fierce desire to please him in any way you can.

You comply with his command, arching your back as instructed, feeling a rush of anticipation course through your veins. Each movement sends shivers down your spine, leaving you breathless with desire. As you adjust to the new position, you can't help but acknowledge the overwhelming effect his actions have on you. With a mixture of astonishment and longing, you confess, "This is messing with my head so much..." The intensity of the moment leaves you feeling both exhilarated and slightly disoriented, caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and sensations

Upon hearing your confession, Gavin's expression morphs into a combination of satisfaction and amusement. His eyes gleam with a hint of mischief, reflecting the pleasure he derives from your admission. His lips curl into a smirk, showcasing his cocky demeanor as he revels in the power he holds over you. Despite the seriousness of the moment, there's a glint of warmth in his gaze, hinting at the depth of his affection for you. Overall, his reaction exudes a sense of dominance and control, tinged with a playful edge that adds to the intensity of the moment.

. As his fingers dance teasingly along your waist, tracing the contours of your soft skin, you can't help but shiver under his touch. The intensity of your emotions swirls within you, making it difficult to contain yourself. Your plea escapes in a trembling whisper, a desperate plea for relief from the overwhelming sensations coursing through you. "Stop playing with me... It's unbearable," you implore, your voice betraying the mixture of desire and frustration that consumes you.

In response, Gavin's smirk widens, a mischievous glint dancing in his eyes as a small chuckle escapes his lips. His amusement is palpable as he revels in the power he holds over you. With a taunting tone laced with playful arrogance, he poses a question that only adds to your inner turmoil. "What do you want then?" he asks, his voice dripping with seductive allure, knowing full well the effect his words will have on you.

Your breath hitches as you struggle to form a coherent response to Gavin's teasing question. The intensity of his gaze holds you captive, and for a moment, you're lost in the depths of his eyes. With a mixture of desire and frustration coursing through your veins, you muster the strength to speak, albeit with a hint of defiance in your tone.

"I want... I want you," you confess, your voice barely above a whisper yet filled with raw longing. The admission hangs in the air between you, heavy with unspoken desires and untamed emotions. Despite the uncertainty and vulnerability swirling within you, there's a sense of exhilaration in voicing your deepest yearnings to Gavin, laying bare your desires in the hope of surrendering to the irresistible pull between you.

Gavin's smirk widens at your confession, his eyes gleaming with a mixture of amusement and desire. He leans in closer, his breath hot against your ear as he responds in a low, husky tone laced with arrogance and a hint of mischief.

"Well, well, well," he murmurs, the corners of his lips quirking up in a devilish grin. "Looks like someone's finally speaking my language."

With a swift yet deliberate movement, he brushes his lips tantalizingly close to yours, teasingly withholding the contact you crave. His playful demeanor is tinged with an unmistakable air of dominance, as if relishing in the control he holds over your heightened emotions.

"Consider your wish granted," he adds, his voice dripping with confidence as he leans back slightly, his gaze locked firmly on yours. "But remember, darling, be careful what you wish for."

[kvibe-test]

Dual Lives: Thriving Between Work and Artistry

Balancing a full-time job while chasing artistic dreams has been one of the most challenging and fulfilling experiences of my life. My journey into the world of music began nearly out of necessity and passion when an injury put a stop to my baseball career at the age of 19. Since then, I've been living a dual life—working a demanding 9-7 job during the day and transforming into a music producer, songwriter, and engineer during the night. Those sleepless nights from 8 PM to 4 AM became my new normal.

The term “starving artist” often suggests a life filled with financial insecurity and relentless struggle. However, my day job has strategically allowed me to fund my musical endeavors without falling entirely into that stereotype. While many artists are wired to pour their souls into their creativity, some don't quite have the fortune or capability to balance this with a day job, nor the flexibility that I was blessed with in my corporate role. This flexibility allowed me to fund my projects and stay afloat financially.

The Toll of Dual Lives

The double life wasn't without its toll. I signed my fair share of bad contracts out of sheer desperation, just like any other artist who might not give off the aura of desperation but feels it intensely. I recall countless arguments over the phone, trying to free myself from predatory contracts. The music industry is riddled with sharks ready to pounce on any ounce of vulnerability.

Despite the misconceptions, having a stable income doesn’t shield you from these struggles. It was quite the learning curve—a journey of nights filled with music production and days packed with corporate workloads, leading to eventual burnouts. I'd often think, “How many more hours can I sustain this balance?” Finances might keep the lights on, but passion is what keeps you working through the small hours.

Navigating the Industry

My nine-to-five job, or more realistically, my nine-to-seven job, often felt like a safety net. It wasn’t just about paying bills but also about giving me the leverage to make choices that wouldn’t come from a place of complete desperation. Still, similar to other artists, understanding business became vital to avoid being taken advantage of. I remember being wary of the financial jargon and the tediousness of maintaining records—tasks that felt entirely orthogonal to the creative process itself.

In today’s artistic landscape, success comes from a marriage between creativity and understanding, or at least getting by with, the business side of things. Many artists don't want to—or simply can't—dive into the less glamorous side of being an artist which involves QuickBooks, spreadsheets, and Customer Lifecycle Management (CLM) systems. I get it because I was that way too. But staying knowledgeable at least at a basic level can prevent an artist from blindly turning everything over to someone only to be taken advantage of.

Redefining Success

The definition of success varies with each individual. For many, success entails financial prosperity, but for artists, true success is often rooted in happiness and fulfillment in what they do. A talented artist living in a garage but brimming with contentment might be just as successful as a big-name star gracing international stages. It’s about the emotional satisfaction derived from their work that defines success for many artists.

Unfortunately, the lack of appreciation for the arts by the broader public doesn’t help. People binge-watch movies and stream music that artists have poured their hearts into but aren't always willing to pay for it. This disconnect affects the value of creative works and, consequently, the financial well-being of artists. The dichotomy of art being seen as both essential and non-essential creates a curious conundrum for artists striving to make a living.

In the end, maintaining this balance between my day job and my passion for music has redefined success for me. It’s no longer just about making it big or earning millions. It’s about ensuring I continue to fuel my passion while maintaining a sustainable lifestyle. Balancing these worlds isn’t just a survival tactic; it’s a strategy to keep the flame of creativity burning without it burning you out in the process.

#artistlife #musicproduction #balancingwork #creativelife #artandwork

[voyagevistas]

Embracing the Journey: Finding Value in Unemployment

In a world where the measure of success often hinges on our job titles and bank account balances, being jobless can feel like falling short of societal expectations. However, my journey through unemployment has been a revelation, a time of self-discovery and redefining what truly matters in my career path.

As I find myself currently without a job, I embrace this phase with a surprising calmness. Gone is the relentless pursuit of any job solely for the paycheck. Instead, I've come to understand the importance of finding value in my work, both for myself and the organizations I serve.

The path to this realization wasn't easy. In the past, I've found myself trapped in jobs that suffocated my passion and left me feeling drained and unfulfilled. The primary motivation was monetary gain, leading to a cycle of stress and dissatisfaction as I struggled to keep up with the demands of roles that didn't resonate with my values or aspirations.

However, I've come to recognize that true fulfillment comes from aligning my work with my personal values and passions. It's not about the paycheck; it's about finding joy and purpose in the daily tasks and contributions I make. This shift in perspective has made me more discerning in my job search, prioritizing positions that offer not only financial stability but also opportunities for growth, creativity, and meaningful impact.

Consequently, I've found myself in a prolonged period of unemployment, not out of desperation, but out of a conscious decision to hold out for the right opportunity. I refuse to settle for anything less than a role that allows me to thrive personally and professionally, where I can contribute meaningfully and derive satisfaction from my work beyond just a paycheck.

This journey has taught me the importance of self-worth and the value of investing in my own happiness and fulfillment. While the uncertainty of unemployment can be daunting, I've learned to embrace it as a period of exploration and growth, rather than a source of anxiety and despair.

In this time of unemployment, I've discovered the power of patience and perseverance. I trust in the process, knowing that the right opportunity will present itself when the time is right. And when it does, I'll step into it with confidence, knowing that I've chosen a path guided not by financial gain, but by a deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment.

So, to those who may find themselves in a similar situation, I urge you to embrace the journey. Take this time to reflect on your values, passions, and aspirations. Don't settle for mediocrity; hold out for the opportunity that will ignite your soul and allow you to make a meaningful difference in the world. In the end, the pursuit of happiness and fulfillment is worth far more than any paycheck could ever offer.

[max1461]

Imagine you are a tortured artist. Your goal is to create your Masterwork. In order to do this to your satisfaction you must spend all your time honing your craft, isolated from people. You know you would enjoy your life more if you gave up on this endeavor and lived normally. You think you might, one day, forget entirely about this Masterwork and find genuine happiness and contentment in a quiet, regular life. You also know that if you keep pursuing your Masterwork, you will spend many hard hours alone, struggling. You must be unforgiving with yourself, unforgiving of any imperfections. And when you finally create it, if you finally create it, the enjoyment you derive from that act of completion will be, well, something, but not nearly as significant as all the pain it took to get there.

Do you give up on your Masterwork? Sure, if your goal is happiness. But if your goal is getting what you want, you persist, because what you want is to complete your Masterwork, regardless of if it makes you happy.

This story is, in most cases, an unrealistic exaggeration. But there really are people who feel deeply compelled to certain projects even though they know, rationally, these projects will not make them happy. I think this is fine and often noble. It is everyone's birthright to do with their one life as they please. You are obligated, utterly obligated, to treat others well. This is non-negotiable. The one moral freedom we are all permitted is to treat ourselves like shit, to throw ourselves into misery and pain for something that we fucking want anyway.

"Would you rather get what you want, or be happy?"

Unironically I would rather get what I want. If I end up happy that's great, but what I want is to get what I want.

[findinginga]

I Am Known For My Patience…

...but I just wanted to scream...

I have worked for decades as a health care provider. Much of that work has been in acute care situations. As a result, one develops ways to cope with the tragedies, suffering and inhumanity which may present over the course of any given emergency department shift. True, there is also satisfaction to be realized, derived from an intervention which saves a life or improves the pain and suffering a patient may be enduring. One may face a steady stream to a torrent of problems and mini-mysteries which need to be solved. Our training as clinicians reinforces the need to approach each patient - each set of problems in such a manner as to avoid preconception. Following a single thread as a possible cause or solution may cost a limb or a life. As a part of the oath that is sworn when accepting the role of clinician we affirm: "I will remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that warmth, sympathy, and understanding may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug". In addition, "I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow human beings, those sound of mind and body as well as the infirm."

Certainly my visit to St. Petersburg was not intended to be a clinical adventure. I made the trip to share some time with a person to whom I was attracted and for whom my feelings had grown stronger. It was also undeniable that with the growing collection of experiences with Inga, I began to appreciate that she was struggling with issues that she could not identify nor did she even appreciate. I embarked on both the physical and emotional journey to Russia attempting to manage my anger and hurt to stay true to the concept that I had a special obligation. My hope was to return home with the clarity and insights I required to solve the many open mysteries and contradictions presented by Inga.

...going to the extreme on Monday and Tuesday...

Days four and five of my visit undermined my typical calm, collected demeanor. As it was evident to me that Inga's focus was entertaining Eva, I set about to locate an activity that the three of us might enjoy. While having breakfast and coffee at the hotel early Monday, I searched for family-oriented events. There were few options but one which stood out was a science-oriented performance targeted to children. The performance was scheduled for 1:00 pm and I eagerly communicated the news to Inga who seemed pleased at this option. I provided her the information and asked Inga to inform me when she was departing the home of Nikita. The plan was to meet at the entrance of the venue.

It was about 15 minutes past Noon that Monday and I still had not received a message regarding their departure. I consulted Google maps for directions from the hotel to the theater/performance hall. It was too far to walk and the route was quite circuitous. I thought it best to hire a car for the trip and as it was growing late, I went to the hotel lobby to seek the assistance of the doorman in securing a car. Many minutes passed before the arrival of my driver. As I was enroute, I received a text from Inga informing me that they already arrived at the venue. She provided no message to inform me of their departure. I was still about 10 minutes away when Inga texted that she had purchased tickets and they were going inside. The driver deposited me on the street opposite the theater. I was desperately looking for the building while scanning the street for possibilities. Google maps was leading me in circles. I texted Inga for assistance and, after several minutes, she and Eva emerged from a building. Inga was visibly annoyed over me interrupting them and forcing them to leave. I offered that we go inside to see the rest of the performance but Inga angrily refused accusing me of deliberately disappointing Eva.

Inga spent the following hour brooding as we walked aimlessly through the surrounding neighborhoods while Eva expressed her boredom. After a stop at Kentucky Fried Chicken for Eva, Inga decided that we visit a shopping mall with a play center for children. This became our destination for the few hours remaining in my visit with them on Monday - The Angry Birds Activity Park in the PRISMA mall. (I should note that the few photos I have to post with this blog entry were taken before Inga forbade me from taking any photos of her.)

As it was nearing 6:00 pm, Inga reminded me of her obligation to provide dinner so; after a short walk away from the mall, Inga phoned for a car. I had no clear idea of my location and was forced to call for my own transportation feeling every bit the "ugly American" tourist. We parted with me receiving a kiss on the cheek.

...entertaining Eva is what matters...

Tuesday proved to be no better of a day. We agreed to meet at the base of the Alexander Column. Once again, Inga and Eva arrived at about 1:00 pm, when the plan had been Noon. I arrived on time after a walk from the hotel and was forced to wait in the cold for their arrival. There had been talk of a tour of the Winter Palace but by the time of Inga's arrival, there were no remaining tickets. We stood in the Palace Square discussing options when costumed actors/models appeared to sell their services for digital photos, to which I agreed.

A short walk from the square along Ulitsa Bol'shaya Morskaya brought us to Smile Park, an indoor amusement center. Eva was quite happy with the interactive exhibits and the ability to run about with other children. I have to admit, I was a little jealous as the operators created a nice collection of kid-friendly attractions.

The inevitable clash...

After a few hours we were getting ready to depart when a face painting booth caught the interest of Eva. During the time the artist was attending to Eva, Inga and I stood together watching. I felt it was an appropriate time to ask Inga if there would be an opportunity for the two of us to have a conversation about what was next for our relationship, if there was even a relationship to discuss. Immediately Inga developed defensive body language by crossing her arms and turning her body away from me. She verbally responded by telling me that it was not the right time. My reply to her was that it did not appear that it would ever be the right time. In that moment I had an overwhelming desire to get my coat, walk back to the hotel and simply leave. I was angry and hurt and the futility of my efforts crystallized in that moment. I resisted that impulse but found it necessary to walk away for a few moments to collect my thoughts.

We departed Smile City (okay, I was not smiling and would not be) and walked along Nevsky Avenue browsing the shops. We arrived at Admiraltevskiy Prospekt where I once again asked Inga if we would ever have a serious conversation and talk about the two of us. While I knew that the possibility of a romantic relationship with Inga had long passed, I wanted her to verbalize her intentions and explain her actions. Her temper flared and she attempted to put me on the defensive by stating that she could not be seriously interested in a man who would not take care of a woman. When I pressed her on this point, she stated that it was difficult for her to get Eva ready every day, to travel from the home of Nikita to the city center and to pay for transportation. According to Inga, a Russian man would take care of her. She went on to state that the reason she had not kissed me (romantically) was because of this.

...no good deed, even an attempted good deed...

There was no point in arguing this issue with Inga by reminding her that I had originally planned for Eva and she to have their own hotel room to avoid the difficulties to which Inga was referring. Being a father who went through his own period of child rearing and all the challenges associated with travel, I wanted to relieve Inga of those worries. But she rejected my offer and made her own plans, for her own reasons. Now, with the snow falling on the crowded boulevard, I simply had nothing else to say. Inga was again deflecting and further discussion would not result in her revealing anything more.

We agreed to stop for something to eat and Inga was desiring coffee. We located Petrov-Vodkin, a very nice restaurant located a short distance from our spontaneous confrontation. We dined, mostly in silence with the exception of a series of questions from Eva designed to gain attention of Inga. A family seated near us included two younger children and Eva became quite upset that her newly decorated face was not attracting their attention. At least Inga found the coffee to her liking, if one were looking for a silver lining. I paid the check and we emerged once again on Admiraltevskiy to walk back along Nevsky Avenue. Upon reaching the bridge spanning the Moyka River, we stopped and Inga called for a car to take her to Nikita's home. While we waited, Inga purchased two cups or mulled wine, one for each of us. Inga placed a delivery order from a restaurant near the home of her brother as it was growing too late for her to deal with dinner. She suggested that we visit the Hermitage Museum in the morning, to which I agreed.

As before, on the arrival of her transportation, she delivered a kiss on my cheek and disappeared inside. I was once again left to make my way back to the hotel alone. The walk allowed me time to think. There seemed to be no reason to meet her on Wednesday. I could visit the museum on my own and it would likely be more satisfying.

Upon my arrival at the hotel, I texted her that she need not bother to make the trip.