#i then got a bad viral infection

[elisalala5]

damn, health wise 2022 has been a shitty year

[technicolorxsn]

bad emotional regulation my enemy.....

[qoldwater]

.

[peachyfloral]

my throat has hurt so severely for over a week and i cannot get it to go away please help me :(

[mitigatedchaos]

Kontextmaschine is Dead

(~1,000 words, 5m)

Noted blogger @kontextmaschine is presumed dead, following the discovery that the sole resident at his most likely residence was found deceased during a wellness check initiated by concerned Redditors.

Prior to his last post on Aug 22, which indicated a serious health problem, he reported taking over twice the dose of creatine he had been taking at the beginning of his lengthy post-COVID health saga, in which he also reported becoming bisexual, having "zero" anxiety, gaining 3D vision after years of not having it, becoming incredibly convincing, and having to learn to walk and use his muscles properly again. At the time, he felt he was becoming trimmer and physically stronger, and reported engaging in a long project of yard work, although photos from the inside of his house generally looked somewhat messy.

A Tumblr user who met him briefly in person after the beginning of the health saga but before these most recent events reported that he was friendly, charismatic, hospitable, and clean, but "physically, a mess," with motor control issues on one side of his body.

Topics of discussion were similar to the content of kontextmaschine's blog, such as differences in east and west coast government in America, said to be "totally on brand," but it was said that the prolific poster seemed "less self-grandiose" in person.

Redditors theorize that the decline of kontextmaschine's health following his first self-report of COVID-19 infection may have been due to undiagnosed brain cancer, which could be more consistent with observed changes in behavior than the after-effects of a viral infection, given that most reports of "long covid" are about effects like fatigue, and not total loss of anxiety or alteration of sexual orientation.

Despite multiple suggestions, from both anonymous and pseudonymous users, kontextmaschine refused to seek professional medical care for his condition.

Regarding the mourning of public figures, in 2018, a period of increased Progressive sensitivity during the Trump Administration, kontextmaschine wrote,

through the years realized that through whatever blind groping the ‘90s-ass “edgelords” were desperately trying to save us from this, through proper gatekeeping and filtering at first I’d thought it was gratuitous and supported it being relaxed, maybe not shaming everyone who publicly mourned a suicide, mea culpa, mea culpa, I have debts to pay

In 2019, he added:

That was how we kept the internet culture from growing mawkish and cry-bullyish: basically, if you were so weak as to get weepy over corpsemeat you got cancelled, the shame would follow you forever and you’d never be allowed to forget it.

Given his writing, it is likely that kontextmaschine would not have supported excessive public mourning over his death, though in 2017, following the theft of his motorcycle, when the popular blogger @argumate jokingly criticized him by writing, "no references to pinball, no insight into historical Americana, this isn’t the kontext I signed up for," kontextmaschine wrote,

“when bad shit happens people mock me accurately” is the community I’ve been looking for my whole life so

Like argumate, perhaps the most famous of the rationalist-adjacent bloggers on Tumblr, screenshots of kontextmaschine's Tumblr posts would end up on outside websites.

Kontextmaschine was generally considered an interesting, if controversial writer. One Tumblr user characterized him as a member of the "obnoxious Tumblr right," though another user asked, "wait, how is kontextmaschine is right wing?" After another user claimed that the nuclear bombing of Oregon would be a net improvement in the world due to kontextmaschine's residence in Portland, tumblr user @random-thought-depository wrote a 2,400 word theory post arguing that kontextmaschine's philosophy was a means to coordinate to join a future political coalition favoring the formation of a more brutal and oppressive hierarchy in pursuit of his own advantage.

Though kontextmaschine's ideology advocates that humanity should adopt "r-selection," meaning more offspring with less investment in each (or youth, sex, and death), this blog dissented against the coalition theory, arguing that motorcycles, kung fu, women, Hollywood, and not having to report to HR are all traditionally cool, and the causality of the kontextmaschine ideology could easily run the other way.

Though he had a period of identifying as female in his youth, appropriately LGBTQ for a Tumblr user, his 2011 statement of principles, including "the lesser yields to the greater" and "suffering is the mark of a wrong person," and general body of work, could be described as a strain of right-wing thought, though not of the traditionalist Christian or rational technocratic varieties.

Prior to the post-covid health saga, kontextmaschine's health posting was primarily about his bipolar disorder, with both manic and depressive phases.

Kontextmaschine maintained generally friendly relations with other bloggers in his sphere of discourse, sometimes debating but rarely aggressive, except in response to anonymous hatemail. In response to one particular piece of hatemail, kontextmaschine stated that as a writer, of course his primary form of influence would be his posts.

In a post chain reblogged by dozens of Tumblr users, multiple Tumblr users wrote that they enjoyed his writing and are disappointed by his death, describing him as a unique thinker that will not be easily replaced. Several felt that there was not much they could have done, as after returning from his covid infection, he was not taking medical advice.

One Tumblr user wrote, "rip. Inspirational manic poster," while long-time and prolific poster argumate described him as, "one of the bloggers of all time."

Internet users speculate that Kontextmaschine is survived by his outdoor cat, Badger, about whom he posted frequently. He may also be survived by other members of his family, with whom he apparently did not live, and rarely spoke about.

It is recommended that enthusiasts of kontextmaschine's blog make backups of his writing for archival purposes.

[beelzebubsis]

i think one aspect of bbh's character in purgatory that often goes unnoticed is the huge difference in his well-being before and during purgatory. prior to purgatory, he was not doing good. He went through a huge depressive arc resulting in him losing all his colour, which he only managed to overcome when he began actively searching for the eggs, resulting in him kidnapping the fed worker. and while it was a bad thing he did, it was the only seemly progress he had actually made towards finding the eggs. but when that started to go no where he started torturing himself with the soul vultures because he felt guilty for his actions and when he was constantly being reminded of the absence of his eggs. he felt like if the bad action he took manged to help him he would need to do worse things so the soul vultures were his self made punishment for the things he was doing and about to do and if we look more deeply into his character it was his punishment for failing to protect the eggs. the more the soul vultures attacked him the more wounds and cuts he had all over his body and the more blue was spreading all over him. (a lot of fans theorise that he's got a soul infection and that the blue is actually his blood but he's infected so its showing as blue but that's not really been confirmed). he went through the psychotic break which i believe was the beginning of his character losing a huge chunk of his sense of reasoning and his ability to separate reality from his own delusions and then further isolating him from others because he began not trusting others and believing the worst.

before purgatory started bbh was fully prepared to do worse things for the sake of the eggs (see his forest burring convo with foolish) but then purgatory happen.

and suddenly everyone was doing horrible things for the sake of the eggs. i think the biggest reason why bbh's character felt comfort regarding purgatory is that he didn't feel alone in his horrible actions and he felt more justified. dapper had explicitly told him to do whatever he could, the other parents and his team were talking about winning and strategizing. he didn't have access to his soul vultures and he and most of his team viewed his actions as necessities to saving the eggs. moreover soulfire ended up being a huge support network for bbh, because he finally felt like he was sharing the burden of his horrible actions with others. they were all paranoid and hiding away like bbh had been. it makes sense that from his perspective it would be comforting to feel like people understood him.

but now post purgatory he's got his eggs back. he doesn't regret his actions because at the end of the day he saw them as necessary to get the eggs back and there wouldn't be any point in regretting those actions now especially when he had resolved himself to do horrible things before purgatory had even started. plus he self imposed the punishments for those actions to begin with and there are huge consequences for him now because of that. he's started to get his colour back because the eggs have returned. but he's still covered in the wounds from the soul vultures and the potential infection, the injury on his head is seemingly getting bigger and he now has the radiation poisoning on his back from the nuke. his first few streams back we saw him struggling against his character reincarnation, or to clarify his death, and we later learn through his conversations with pomme and dapper that he doesn't want to reincarnate because he'll lose the ability to recall specific memories and he's scared of forgetting the eggs, which explains why on the first streams back when we weren't sure what had happened to dapper and the other eggs, he had no memories because he didn't see any reason to keep them without the eggs so he wasn't fighting his death. implying that the eggs are his reasons for fighting against the reincarnation and why when he's around them he's able to recall and remember again but he's started to cough and suffer instead. so now he's faced with the moral dilemma of keeping his memories of everyone and the eggs but continue to suffer in a dying rotting body OR to reincarnate and forget everyone.

plus we now have the mysterious ghost and "old friend" invading his home and leaving him ominous message so he doesn't feel safe. so what does he do? he goes back to when he did feel safe or at least comfort and support. which was the soulfire base, because at least there he felt like he was sharing the suffering. i believe that the "old friend" is someone involved with his reincarnation which is why hes avoiding it but thats an entirely different post.

holy shit how did this get so long D: but yeah this is why i think bbh has such different feelings towards purgatory compared to others and why he keeps taking people to the recreation of the soulfire base. like always i'd love to hear any more interpretations.

heres another tik tok

[thefingerfuckingfemalefury]

The Christian poller – wearing a shirt that said “My pronouns are Find/Jesus”

I assume this goose stepping goat-fucker couldn't find a T-shirt that said "I've never touched a woman unless you count my Rainbow Dash body pillow" so this unfuckable potato faced cunt settled for this one

Shaneyyricchh, sounding a bit pressed at the stranger refusing to “pick one”, asked them if they were “trolling” him right now. 

"Don't cyber bully me, I was cyber bullied within an inch of my life last night!"

He then claimed that he was “trying to pass [his] final” which somehow involved making this TikTok video. 

One: That's obviously a lie, we all know this creatures kind think education was sent here by the devil

Two: Any college that would allow "people" like this into it isn't a real college with standards anyway so that's not a real final, it's about as meaningful as Dr Nick going to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College

Three: I actively want "people" like this parasite upon society to fail their finals, fail to find jobs and indeed fail at everything because I don't want them to be allowed to infect the nations businesses with the disease that is their existence, I want them to do the decent thing and starve on the streets

The poller pushed that having both is “not a valid answer”, but the stranger merely laughed and said “too bad” once more to the conservative’s frustration. 

LEGEND :D

This Nazi cunt: You have to pick one

An Actual Person of worth and value:

One person stitched the video and said it was “hilarious how upset that interviewer” got

MOOD

I mean watching republicunts be upset is ALWAYS hilarious to me because I 100% get off on their misery

[rpstartersinc]

* 𝐇���𝐎'𝐒  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐋𝐀𝐒𝐓  𝐎𝐅  𝐔𝐒  /  𝐄𝐏  𝟏  &  𝟐.

feel free to change pronouns / wording!

“ and that’s your biggest worry? ”  

“ i presume the prospect of a viral pandemic keeps you up at night as well? ”

“ you like saying no. ”  

“ billions of puppets with poisoned minds. ”  

“ i was gonna make you birthday pancakes. ”  

“ how old are you again? ”  

“ gonna have to wear diapers soon. ”  

“ you’re still alive, you old fucker. ”  

“ your t-shirt’s inside out. ”  

“ can’t tell you how exciting it was listening to that fucking conversation. ”

“ i was gettin’ worried. ”  

“ i was thinkin’ we’d make some cookies. ”  

“ i don’t know why i talk to her. ”  

“ you locked the door for once, good job. ”

“ you got me a present? ”  

“ i don’t hear anything. ”  

“ that was lame. ”  

“ i put the change back because i’m an honest thief. ”

“ it’s the thought that counts. ”  

“ don’t fall asleep. ”  

“ wasn’t my fault this time. ”  

“ help me. ”  

“ get in the truck! ”  

“ you killed her. ”  

“ we’re gonna be brave, and we’re gonna get outta this. ”

“ are we sick? ”  

“ there’s nowhere to fucking go! ”  

“ i got you. ”  

“ can you run? ”  

“ you keep your eyes on me. ”  

“ we’re gonna get you somewhere safe first. ”  

“ hey! no one told you to move. ”  

“ are you alone? ”  

“ how did you get this? ”  

“ it’s okay. you’re safe. ”  

“ well, the more you shoot people, the harder it is to sleep, i guess. ”

“ you want ‘em or not? ”  

“ fucking fireflies been blowing shit up all week. ”

“ it’s easy to make a mistake in the dark. ”  

“ i’m not asking you to say anything. ”  

“ how about we just let it go? ”  

“ you gonna keep me here? kill me? ”  

“ i give you my word that he won’t hurt you. ”  

“ i’d like to go home and drink ‘til my face stops hurting. ”

“ they’re shooting at us. ”  

“ i’m not a firefly! ”  

“ people are gonna come looking for me. ”  

“ let me out or you’re gonna pay, motherfuckers! ”  

“ i’m not supposed to be here! ”  

“ you can’t be serious. ”  

“ there are worse things than infected out there. ”

“ i got jumped by a couple guys. ”  

“ it’s a miracle you’re alive. ”  

“ it’s a miracle any of us are alive. ”  

“ i was in fedra lockup all day. ”  

“ i need you to take a breath. ”  

“ we’re gonna find out, quietly. understand? ”  

“ i would very much like for you to hurt him. ”  

“ our people are asking what’s going on, and i don’t know what to tell them. ”

“ rebellion takes time. ”  

“ is this real? ”  

“ keep it quiet. ”  

“ you tell me to ‘look for the light’ and i’ll break your jaw. ”

“ you’re not scared. ”  

“ why did you stop them? ”  

“ i won’t tell anyone about any of this, i swear. ”

“ you were safe there until you decided to sneak out. ”

“ why won’t you let me go home? ”  

“ i wasn’t expecting it. ”  

“ you can’t be stupid like this. ”  

“ obviously didn’t take ‘fuck off’ for an answer. ”

“ gimme my knife. ”  

“ it’s our business to know things. ”  

“ you’re the cause of it. ”  

“ we don’t smuggle people, sorry. ”  

“ i know what’s out there. ”  

“ what are they capable of? ”  

“ you trust her? ”  

“ your watch is broken. ”  

“ you mumble in your sleep. ”  

“ i’ve never been on the other side of the wall. ”

“ look how dark it is. ”  

“ but you know where to go, so we’re gonna be okay. ”

“ holy shit, i’m actually outside! ”  

“ you stay close, and you follow my lead. ”  

“ i’m not sick! ”  

“ i should fucking kill you! ”  

“ i apologise about your lunch. ”  

“ is this bite from a human? ”  

“ so they’re still out there... ”  

“ i have spent my life studying these things. ”  

“ i’m not infected. ”  

“ i think what really impressed them was the fact that i didn’t turn into a fucking monster. ”

“ there’s not gonna be anything bad in here? ”

“ better them than us. ”  

“ i’m gonna talk to you like you’re an adult. ”  

“ fuck you, man, i didn’t ask for this. ”  

“ can i have a gun? ”  

“ i’ll have to thrown a fucking sandwich at them. ”

“ they hit most of the big cities like this, they had to slow the spread somehow. ”

“ whatever, i snuck in. ”  

“ you got some balls on you, sister. ”  

“ people like to tell stories. ”  

“ have you heard of books? ”  

“ i don’t know how i was supposed to know that. ”

“ you’re a weird kid. ”  

“ you try climbing ten fucking floors with our knees, see how you feel. ”

“ where’d you learn to do that? ”  

“ no more questions about me. ”  

“ was it hard? like, knowing they were people once. ”

“ you step on a patch of cordyceps in one place, and you can wake a dozen infected from somewhere else. now they know where you are, now they come. ”

“ you’re not immune from being ripped apart. ”

“ from this point forward, we are silent. ”  

“ well, i didn’t shit my pants, so... ”  

“ how about you just take the good news? ”  

“ is it everything you hoped for? ”  

“ our luck had to run out sooner or later. ”  

“ i never ask you for anything. ”  

“ save who you can save. ”  

“ i’m not going with you! ”

[soaps-mohawk]

Hello, I was rereading your story and was wondering if you could expand upon the heat sickness you mentioned.

Yes!! I absolutely can!!

So heat sickness is a viral illness that can affect omegas at any time in their lives, though younger omegas are more prone to it than older omegas. Alphas and betas don't get sick from heat sickness, but they can become contaminated and pass it on to an omega easily. (Just like how viruses and bacterial infections work in our world.)

The severity of heat sickness can vary omega to omega depending on things like the particular strain the omega is infected with, their age, how exposed they were to the virus, and just their overall health. It can be fatal in certain cases, and have long lasting serious effects in others.

Symptoms can also vary, both in how it presents and their severity. Generally the first stage is just a feeling of malaise and fatigue, sort of like when you think you're getting sick and you just kind of feel generally awful. That usually lasts for a day or up to three.

The second stage is when the fever sets in. It's usually a high fever that can get dangerous really fast at this stage. Body aches, chills, some omegas get headaches, some get a rash with the fever. Their blood pressure and heart rate will rise during this stage and this is really where things can go wrong really fast. This stage is the most deadly and it's sort of where the illness gets its name. Heat sickness isn't the official medical name, but that's what it gets called because this period of high fever and symptoms affects an omega's brain and the heat cycle. It essentially tricks the brain into thinking it's already gone into heat and throws off the entire cycle, especially in those close to their heat when they get infected. This stage lasts usually about a week.

The third stage is the longest lasting stage. In normal cases in healthy omegas it might last up to two weeks, some might be in this stage for months. Low grade fever, fatigue, hormone imbalance, nausea and vomiting, digestive problems, more flu-like symptoms (headaches, runny nose, cough), body aches, brain fog, emotional turmoil, depression, irregular heat cycles. It's hard to cope with even just for two weeks, and omegas that have lasting effects can struggle a lot. There's a lot of interventions and therapies needed for omegas that have lasting effects and it's really hard on them and their packs (not to mention really expensive).

Heat sickness is very contagious and can spread easily from one omega to the next, especially in places like institutes where you can have hundreds of omegas all enclosed in one space. That's why it gets labeled as an epidemic when strains do find their way into areas because it just spreads so quickly and can just wipe out groups of omegas if there's limited or no access to good healthcare, especially during that second stage where things can get really bad. Usually doctors can predict how long symptoms will last in stage three by the severity of symptoms in stage two.

There's no preventative measures for heat sickness at this point in the timeline when the fic takes place. Things like proper hygiene and masking and quarantine if potential exposure is suspected are generally how things are supposed to go, but as we saw in the fic, not everyone takes it as seriously as they should. Especially betas and alphas since they don't get affected by it. Heat sickness is getting rarer (at least in the developed world), though as we see in the fic it can still become an issue.

Reader got a fairly mild strain that was being spread around during the time of the epidemic, and of course a place like FIOT has state of the art medical facilities and was able to handle the monitoring and upkeep of omega's health during the second and third stages. Reader was close to her heat when she got sick, so her cycle was thrown off for about three months I believe she says. She made a full recovery though and is fine and healthy at this point in the story.

Thank you for asking about this one and I hope this makes sense 😊💚

[wazzappp]

Retroviruses got me fucked up

@moosemonstrous are u ready for a dissertation? I hope so.

people who followed me for art I'm so sorry

ALRIGHT so we're gonna cover a couple areas.

General information about retroviruses.

Details about The Corruption and theories about how it works inside the body.

SPECIFICALLY ROBBIES viral weird shit. Cause what he has going on is even more fucked up than normal fucked up. Fucked up squared.

Me ranting about skin necrosis and why I shouldn't have just. Thown it in there because I thought it would look fucky wucky.

GENERAL INFORMATION ABOUT RETROVIRUSES:

As most people know, a virus is a cell that enters the body of a host and alters its DNA to turn that hosts cells into virus making factories. This is what allows viruses to duplicate and spread through the body so quickly. But whats that? 'What makes retroviruses different from other viruses?' I hear you asking? WELL EXCELLENT QUESTION THATS A PERFECT PLACE TO START. A retrovirus is different because its method of self duplication involves an enzyme called reverse transcriptase. This makes retroviral infection PERMANENT. Even if the virus is defeated by the immune system, those changes stick around. The phrasing used was 'ipso facto mutagenic' meaning 'by the fact itself/inevitable'.

...Which is kinda metal honestly I want it on a tee shirt (definetly not thinking of Amadeus saying that to Robbie as he tries his best to explain theres no way to undo whats going on with him. nahhhh angst don't got a hold on me like that [<- vibrating])

'Ohhh but if those genetic changes never go away, doesn't that mean that those viruses will get passed on through peoples children?' ASKING SUCH GOOD QUESTIONS TODAY MY MUTUAL BECAUSE THE ANSWER IS YES. Once a retrovirus codes itself into a hosts gnome, its called a provirus (pro gamer move right there) Fun (not fun) fact around 8% of the human gnome is made of proviruses. These are called endogenous viruses, and for the most part they just kinda sit there and stay dormant. TERRIFYINGLY, other viral infections can trigger these endogenous viruses out of dormancy. As for what actually causes a provirus to go dormant uhhhhhhhh I dunno. Couldn't find an answer in my research someone make me look stupid with an answer please because I wanna know.

Ok now lets talk about the immune system a little bit. There are a few different kind of cells at work (hehehehehe) that help to fight viruses and other infections in the body. The first are Cytotoxic T cells or Killer T Cells. These are the cells that directly destroy cells displaying genetic patterns they recognize as bad. Next we have CD+4 Cells (Helper T Cells) which act as a library that stores information about how to identify an infected cell, and shares that information with other Killer T cells once one figures it out. Then there are the Regulatory T cells which suppress your immune responses to maintain homeostasis. They're what (USUALLY) stops your immune system from killing you while trying to clear a virus. Last there are Macrophage. CELLS AT WORK MAID MILFS- I mean cells that clear the debris that remain after the Killer T Cells are done destroying them.

Retroviruses have two primary ways of either side-stepping the immune system or just. Overwhelming it completely. Acutely transforming retroviruses do just that. They reproduce too quickly for Killer T cells to destroy them all and exhaust the system. The second type are called Non Acute Retroviruses. They camouflage viral particles as immune cells to suppress the immune system. For example, HLTV-1 is a retrovirus that disguises itself as a Regulatory T cell to artificially suppress the immune response thats trying to kill it.

HTLV-1 is really interesting because most of the time patients are asymptomatic, but 5% can graduate to HTLV-1 associated myelopathy/tropical spastic paraparesis, which affects the spinal cord and white matter of the central nervous system. This usually results in the weakening of lower extremities and sometimes total bowl/bladder control loss. It suckkssssss (but is also a retrovirus that affects the central nervous system so were circling back to it later 👀).

SPECULATION ABOUT THE CORRUPTION:

I've said previously that The Corruption has potential for a retrovirus that affects the central nervous system by degrading the brains ability to regulate muscular contraction, while also pumping out a ton of cortisol and adrenaline to encourage 'hysterical strength'.

Now I did a little more research about Hypoglycemia and combined with the nerve damage people would likely die from cardiac arrhythmia, which is a life threatening kind of ventricular fibrillation. Long and short, it means their hearts don't have the proper energy and stimulation to keep beating properly, so they stop beating in sync. This results in insufficient blood flow to vital areas like the brain, and combined with the inadequate blood sugar, this would result in very fast brain death.

Let's talk about the immune systems response to this Corruption retrovirus. We would most likely see lots of inflammation, and with the main focus being on nerve cell this would probably result in meningitis, which is inflammation of the tissue surrounding the brain and spinal cord. If left untreated this could result in a coma and then death. So we're seeing a SHIT ton of pressure on the brain and central nervous system. Which is like. VERY BAD for a person. We're talking brain death very very fast.

As for how the virus would target the nervous system directly we could look to real world examples like rabies (ahhhh rabies. can never get away from you). The virus would attach to nicotinic acetylcholine receptors, which are what turns chemical signals into electrical signals in your nerves. It would then spread through the axons of the central nervous system and eventually reach the brain. We could also pull a rabies with 'once you see symptoms it's too late' which I, personally, find fucking terrifying.

In terms of the virus losing its effectiveness once outside the body of a Demon/Kaiju we would likely need to look at the anatomy of a retrovirus itself. The outermost area is composed of envelope spikes, which tell the cell to let it in. After that is an envelope protein which plays an important role in complete virus particle (virion) assembly. Theres then a protein shell that contains reverse transcriptase and the RNA gnome that it will use to recode a host cell. If this virus evolved to survive in an environment that is always warm (hell. lol. lmao.) it might not be prepared to deal with these colder temperatures in our world. This could result in damage to the protective protein barriers and cause damage to the real important parts, the RNA and reverse transcriptase. This would mean that the virus would not be near as effective as a fully intact retrovirus cell.

The Corruption could be an endogenous virus thats embedded into the Demon/Kaiju gnome that wouldn't affect them, but would absolutely affect us because we haven't seen them before.

ROBBIES WEIRD FUCKSHIT:

alright guys this is where we put the FI into SCIFI cause your about to read a whole lot of nonsense sentences.

Robbie. Robbie is fucking WEIRD in EVERY universe and this shit is absolutely not different. Him being exposed to that previously mentioned damaged version of the virus from a young age might not give him true immunity but it would give him SOMETHING to work with. His immune system is at least slightly familiar with it and at this point whatever damaged version he came into contact with has already established itself as a provirus in him.

The Corruption thats established itself in The Charger is different.

Like I mentioned in my first diagram, I think there was a chemical reaction that stabilized the corrosive aspect of The Corruption, but this reaction would also have had an effect on the retroviral properties of the Demon/Kaiju material. ESPECIALLY when we add Eli into the mix.

Now, I think generally the amount of radiation that these viruses would be exposed to would kill them (if you believe viruses are alive. there is some MEGA debate going on about that). But if the corruption was just stabilized/hardened on the outside and left squishy and organic on the inside, that would successfully protect everything. And whats that organic squishyness on the inside? EXCELLENT QUESTION AGAIN. If Eli died while inside The Charger then it's not a stretch to think his DNA would have been incorporated and stored via through the natural processes of the retrovirus as a provirus. And so you end up with the genetic mixture of a horrifying creature capable of heinous acts, and a Demon/Kaiju. WITH retroviral properties. Dear god.

Robbie would get exposed to this the very first time he enters the Charger. Because of his semi-immunity + genetic relation to Eli he would likely be able to overcome the more meatsuit damaging aspects of this mixture and just get right through the genome editing without much fuss from his immune system. We would still have a certain degree of damage to his nervous system which allows for that change in strength that would occur in usual examples of the virus (maybe some added aggression from mild influence in his amygdala), but not to a deadly degree. Honestly this shit would barely classify as a virus its just. A nightmare mutagen at this point. So while some of his gnome would remain fairly the same, a good 30% to 50% is megafucked.

Changing Robbies genotype to this degree will naturally result in a change to his phenotype! For the sake of fun were gonna ignore stem cells and their weirdness (for now. I just need to stew on it a little longer and I can make up some bullshit I'm sure). The damage his muscles would experience from less regulated signals would mean they experience muscle tears and subsequent muscle growth. For usual muscle damage from exercise this takes a few days, so if we wanted to keep with that timeline it could be interesting to introduce some minorly sped up healing. That would also be fun for reactivating the growth plates in his bones to allow him to become bigger and taller overall (boring body horror my beloved @cicada-candy that term is never leaving).

THEN you can get into some of the fucky wuckier traits like tapetum lucidum and TEEF. TEEEEEEFFFF. The teeth in particular could go a few different ways. You could just have growth and development of the canines resume until they become elongated and more prominant. OR. You could replace the teeth with bony protrusions from the skull that would push out the original canines and grow in their place. Because of the time it takes for bones to heal your looking at this happening around 20 weeks out. Literally any fun trait you want to take from Demon/Kaiju could apply here.

The most important part would be the nerve bundles on his spine that would be used to bluetooth to The Charger (<- this is a nonsense sentence. I am aware of this). These would provide faster communication with the charger and (theoretically) more intuitive movement, while also allowing him to eventually controlling the charger from the outside. Please note that this would cause EXTREME STRESS to his nervous system. It would be like a person trying to flex a muscle the size of another person for the first time. LEARNING PROCESS. TAKE IT SLOW OR HAVE AN ANEURYSM.

Which leads me to the youtuber apology part of this.

WHY I SHOULDNT HAVE JUMPED TO SKIN NECROSIS:

Skin necrosis is a result of the mass death of skin cells that is furthered by the damage to blood cells. This usually results in a blackened, leathery texture to the necrosed skin. I SHOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN MENTIONED THIS.

What I SHOULD have done is said 'hmm ah yes it would make more sense for some protective covering over these nerve concentrations to either come from materials in Robbies body or to mutate into the skin of the Demon/Kaiju'. This is why we do sufficient research before getting back on our bullshit, wazz (mental note mental note mental note mental note).

I am quite partial to the idea of that stronger/thicker Demon skin/armor growing under Robbies skin and it just itches and burns until he cant ignore it anymore. And then he can pull off. Whatever skin is on the top of it. HEHHEHEHOHOHOHO DELICOUS MENTAL IMAGE of him panicking because he just wanted to scratch his back but now theres blood on his hands and skin sloughing off and dear fucking lord how did he get to this point in his life (<- I daydream about normal things guys don't worry. very average things).

ANYWAY uhhhh if you made it this far I love you. Legit. Have a cookie. Take a nap. Have a happy holidaze <3.

[agentravensong]

hello, fellow hatchetfield fans! here are my stray nerdy prudes must die thoughts, which i'm going to try to keep brief (she said, before spending an hour writing this)

the production level of the show as a whole really blew me away. the lighting; demon!max's costume and makeup; even the way it was shot and edited felt even more electric than past shows

this is the only one of the full-length hatchetfield musicals to have one consistent antagonist throughout (black friday has linda but half the leads don't know about her at all until the climax, plus there's wilbur and wiggly). and i gotta say, max's actor really killed it. hilarious, terrifying, and even with moments of nuance. he repeatedly stole the show.

some of the songs are already stuck in my head. off the top of my head i can't think of any that stood out in a bad/unmemorable way (though i could just be forgetting them, lol). ruth's song in particular i think is gonna really stick with me once i listen to it a few more times.

and i love the way the "i'm not a loser" motif gets used throughout the show. the closest any of the songs got me to having the visceral reaction i have to "did you know that i wanted to live with you" in "not your seed" and the bridge + ending of "let it out" ("i've never been happy...") was when richie sings that line right before... well.

speaking of richie: as a paul stan, what this show proved to me more than anything is that when jon matteson plays a sympathetic lead (or side character - hi daniel/stopwatch), he will always break my heart. he's just. really good.

thinking about how in the last of the originally planned 3 hatchetfield shows, initially conceptualized as the first, jon's character is the first one to sing, whereas in the first of those shows, conceptualized as the last, the whole crux of the musical is him refusing to sing, the audience essentially waiting for the moment he breaks and does it. thinking about how the opening of npmd tells us richie is going to die, already dying, already dead, while the opening number of tgwdlm tells us paul is the target, the Doomed Hero, the "star of the show" "destined to go viral" [read: get infected], whose story is going to be told, already written.

thinking about how singing dooms paul, and how richie singing "i'm not a loser", reigniting max's ire, is the final nail in his coffin.

...i'm normal.

there's a lot of meta jokes and nods of that sort throughout the show. maybe a few too many? like, at a certain point, as a fan, i do feel like i'm being pandered to a bit.

i liked the lords in black's scene, it was a lot of fun! it's always great to see jon get to let loose with crazy characters, and the others were great too. but i do wonder how it plays for people who haven't been following nightmare time stuff. like, i get that in one world this was our introduction to these characters, but even in that world, i wonder if including all five of them with their specific names and allusions to their individual deals is a bit too much for what the plot of this show needs. there's something to be said for not showing all your cards right away.

on the other hand, i feel like the paulkins coffee scene actually fully earned its inclusion: because when pete comes in asking for his hot chocolate, it reads differently when we're coming at it from having followed his perspective up to this point versus having been following paul in tgwdlm, in a way that strengthens both scenes. it's a nice reminder that emma and paul can be... rude, i guess. assholes, even (she really didn't need to spit in it). that idea of perspectives affecting how we categorize people arguably even plays into the themes of this show! how about that.

ah, yes, Themes. there are Themes to be drawn out of this show about the experience of high school, especially in an intertextual comparison to how tom and becky talk about their time in high school in black friday. something about how the two of them see it as this idealistic time they want to go back to, whereas the teens (the nerds/outcasts) in npmd sing that they'll "still despise it when [they're] gone". something about how in ruth's solo number, the fantasy future she imagines for herself (even in the context of it being a performance for an audience of no one) is of a standard, arguably dreary, middle-aged existence. there's definitely stuff there to be dissected.

and also there's arguably a theme of continuing cycles of cruelty, brought into focus by the ending, but also implied with the way the adults failed the kids (see max referencing his dad belittling him).

...but also, i feel like they could have done more with that.

that's my one big thing with this show, and it could very easily just be that the genre of this show isn't as much my jam, but i'll say it anyway: i wanted more from the characters, and more emotional weight in regards to certain things.

like, between this and tgwdlm, i think tgwdlm is still the better written show. there's just, a subtly to the characters there, a grounded human-ness, that i didn't quite get from all of the teens here.

as much as i clearly have a soft spot for richie, that's mostly on jon; as written, there really isn't much there, beyond "anime nerd" and "generally nice kid who wants to be liked". the scene right before he dies is comedic in how obvious it's setting things up, but its obvious-ness also makes it feel kind of cheap in terms of pulling on the heartstrings. similarly, ruth is initially just a gimmick (though hers at least ties into a deeper insecurity) and only gets her real moment of depth right before she dies. neither of them feel like they have much affect / haunting presence on the surviving teens once they're dead, past the initial shock of the reveals of their deaths.

and steph and pete are good, but... idk. i wanted a bit more from each of them. if they got to have a talk like paul and emma before "join us and die" - not even for the sake of the romance, but just for the sake of giving us more on each of them outside of their basic stereotypes and the romance - that would've helped, i think.

grace was great, though, no qualms. initially there was a part of me that was disappointed that the stereotype max was pushing on her about her being secretly repressed and horny was in fact true, but the way it gets used makes up for it, and in between max's death and when that specific thing comes up again in the climax, she gets to do a lot with the two conflicting sides of her personality, wanting to be good but having a capacity and arguable instinct for scheming and ruthlessness.

(also, as i mentioned earlier, max has a surprising amount going on, especially once you get into the Implications)

it could just be that i see those depths in the tgwdlm cast because i've had more time to chew on that cast, and that in time i'll see these teens in the same light. but i don't think it's just that.

i think part of it is how there are so many jokes about the teens being nerdy prudes (really, mostly just nerds). and like, that's part of the point, obviously, that they were being forced into those boxes and that they were still people with the potential to be more. but... i don't know if the show does enough to really make that point. again, richie doesn't really get to be more (and it's not for lack of time - there's a good amount of show before max comes back as the demon and kills for the first time).

in tgwdlm, the mains are all arguably based on stock characters, but they have more depth through their relationships. look at ted, the stock asshole sleazeball, who's shown to feel genuine remorse when he loses people he loves, in a way that contextualizes his bitterness. and there's a lot less highlighting of the stockness of them in their show than there is of the teens in npmd.

and the thing is, i think the cast of npmd at their foundations are more likable than the cast of tgwdlm (see the earlier point about emma and paul being assholes at times). they had a lot of potential. but i don't think enough of it is realized for the majority of them. the edges the tgwdlm cast has are part of what makes them compelling, and it's something the teens (minus grace) are largely missing.

the thing is, i know the fandom is going to see that potential and run with it. i know that they're gonna develop the teens' characterizations and relationships. i know they'll get into the trauma and the implications from everything that happened to them in the show. i know they'll get into... pete's survivor's guilt, and steph losing her dad(!!!), and what richie and ruth could have been, and all that. i know that they'll fill in the gaps. because that's what fans do. i guess i just wish there weren't so many gaps to fill. or, that the gaps wouldn't take so much effort from them to fill.

again, i acknowledge, maybe i'm expecting too much from the genre of show this is. it doesn't need to have A Point, i guess, it can just be fun, a comedic horror slasher in musical form. and it is fun, a lot of fun! ...but, tgwdlm was also a lot of fun. not as bombastic, for sure, but i'd say just as humorous. and it was also incredibly tightly written, and satisfying, with strong character arcs for multiple leads. it had commentary on musicals, on what makes a protagonist and what it means to be one, on conformity and institutions of authority, on romance even (you could do a very interesting aromantic reading of this show, trust me). and with a show that's titled nerdy prudes must die, that is About high school, there's, similarly, a lot you can do. and there's a fair amount of seeds planted there. but i don't think it all quite coheres. and it could've, if they really wanted it to.

...i did not keep that brief. ah well. i might disagree with half of this by the time i wake up tomorrow, i just needed to get it out of me. tl;dr, in my opinion, this show is stronger than black friday, but tgwdlm is still my favorite. all the cast and crew put a lot of love into this production and it really shows. i had a great time! :D but i'm always going to overanalyze things i care about as much as i care about the hatchetfield universe, and hence, here we are.

[jhscdood]

i woke up in a Bad Headspace today and imma use by blog to vent about it like it's livejournal circa 2004.

tw for discussion of medical stuff

- I hate xmas. I'm jewish but my dad is not and the pressure to have An Perfect Xmas every year and the disappointment every year just grosses me out now. Not even going to talk about american xtian hegemony but there's some of that in there too.

- Today i began to suspect that the awesome new migraine med that actually stops my weather-induced migraines might also be interfering with the efficiacy of my prediabetes meds. or maybe im wrong and im Just That Fucking Exhausted.

- Spouse spent all last week recovering from a severe medication allergy and hives on 70% of his body. and steroids Do Not Agree with him so it was just. a wild time. terrifying af. stood over him with an EpiPen basically the entire time.

- 3 days before The Hives, i scratched my cornea while pruning bushes and that right there is a pain i do not ever want to revisit. had to go to the optometrist and get The Goo.

- 2 days before Cornea i had my first Botox For Migraine treatment. 31 injections to the face, neck and shoulders. it stung but it was over in like 4 minutes. takes 3 sessions to start kicking in. sessions are 12 weeks apart. so i guess we'll find out in August if it's working.

- day before Botox i had an ENT appointment and he stuck a camera up my nose and then diagnosed me with a weird vocal cord paralysis thing so now i have to go back to speech therapy for the first time in 26 years.

- Week before that, saw my neurologist and she diagnosed me with a weird intermittent lazy eye / motion lag thingamawhatsis so now i have to go to an ophthalmologist AND vision therapy.

- That week I also saw my PCP and explained to her about the intermittent abdominal pain I've been having since like 2021. She took me seriously!!! Which is good!!! But now i am scheduled for baby's first colonoscopy. And i have to keep a food journal, which i HATE because food is STUPID.

- All of the above all happened this month btw. December 1-23.

- My final appt in November was yet another ultrasound of my former left tit because there is an oil cyst at the site of my top surgery and they are VERY SURE it is a benign oil cyst but the rules require them to poke it every few months for 2-3 years.

- Before that I had a 48 hour ambulatory EEG which was the itchiest i have ever been in my LIFE. That same week our basement stairs collapsed and a contractor had to come rebuild them (up! to! code!). That same week i also went to the dentist to get my crown fitted.

- I think my MIL was in the hospital that same week, too. so that's a thing that's been going on the whole time since then.

- I spent most of October deathly ill with food poisoning thst was originally misdiagnosed as viral. I ended up with a CT scan and colitis. and, eventually, cipro. it was the sickest i have ever been in my adult life. i would rather have mono again. i fantasized about those cholera beds with the hole in the center so you didnt have to get up to have your horrid dysentery. nightmare.

- The day before that hit i had ONE golden day where i felt good and had energy. we went to temple and i got glomped by about 10 different people. my 80 year old bestie kept finding me to hug me again. Rabbi hugged me super hard.

- Before that was a root canal, and before that was a tooth infection that took 2 rounds of antibiotics to kill, and before that was the original cavity filling that started it all. the dentist kindly comped me the $172 for the filling against the $3,800 bill for the root canal + crown.

- Before that? IDEK man. I have lost track. Somewhere in there i got diagnosed with insulin resistance which explained my HORRENDOUSLY TERRIBLE fatigue and cloudiness and waking up starving every 3 hours. The meds they gave me changed that literally overnight. it was a miracle. which is why im freaking out about the new migraine med possibly counteracting that. i spent the entirety of last summer in a fog. several of my very good friends visited and all i could do was nap on them. i couldnt go anywhere or do anything. it was a nightmare. i don't want to go back to that. but also i don't want to have a migraine every time the wind blows. but i would rather have a migraine 50% of the time than be back to that fatigue fogged state 100% of the time. nope nope nope.

- and amongst all of this, still having the seizures. they were going down for a while but the last week or so has been 1-2 per day. so. another checkmark in the "gee do you think you're stressed?" column.

- it is going on 10pm and I'm tired so i very likely have accidentally omitted several other things. to be fair to me, there's Quite A Bit to remember.

- so if youre wondering why i havent updated my latest fic, its partly bc i am TIRED and partly bc if i gave jason even a third of the health bullshit i have dealt with the past few months, it would absolutely defy belief. TWO kinds of eye problems AND a speech problem AND food poisoning AND dentistry?? surely no one in the world has to deal with that much!

sigh. anyway. thanks for listening. i promise i am stressed out of my GOURD but, shockingly, have not slid into any sort of depressive space. mostly im just annoyed. i spent today watching dinosaur documentaries and reorganizing my craft supplies.

tomorrow will be better. today just sucked.

[dollsonmain]

I know folks are probably getting tired of this by now so you get a tag AND a cut.

But I feel like discussing this sort of thing might help people sometimes? since it's a first person account instead of listicles online.

What they did and didn't tell me about having stents.

They told me why: Facilitates drainage which takes strain (pressure) off of the kidneys and helps the antibiotics work by helping prevent pockets of infected urine reforming (that's what was making me sick, stuck urine that had built up lots of bacteria).

They told me how-ish: They go up with various catheters and things and install the stents, the stents stay in place until they are removed. Some stents have lines that exit the body to facilitate removal. Mine do not. The doc didn't want me accidentally pulling them out since the area they're in is heavily infected. They'll be removed at my first stone removal surgery in about two weeks from installation which was a couple days ago.

They did not tell me how-completely: The stents are hooked into my body meat like little fish hooks. They also didn't tell me they'd be taking urine for testing from my bladder and each kidney or that they would also be draining both kidneys during the procedure, so I did get a fluid-pressure reset.

They did not tell me basically anything about what the next two weeks will be like.

I'm on flowmax to soften my bladder so it's easier to empty. I don't think I needed that, I was peeing fine, but stents do change things.

I was worried that I might push them out while pooping but that's not likely to the point of nearly impossible. Not 100%, but nearly.

These things feel like a bad UTI and I have two of them. I got the ows, the zaps, the GOTTA GOs every few minutes. At least now I know that ALL of those pains are UTI pains, you know? I'd get some random pain sometimes and be like "what was that......" and now I know. It was UTI and pressure in my kidneys and the pain signals were traveling around the whole renal system. Because they do that.

I'm in a lot more pain now than I was with just the kidney stones. It is very, VERY atypical but my kidney stones and the pressure behind them don't hurt. Those nerves may have died off.

There's varying amounts of blood in my urine, sometimes very little, sometimes a lot. Sometimes there are clots. That's all normal but I had to ask as things were happening.

I get up every couple hours in the night and some times I don't make it to the toilet (I did all last night, so that is improving).

They also didn't warn me that just having the surgery itself might make me wet myself because the muscles hadn't all regained strength/how long it would take for the anesthesia to fully wear off.

I called the doctor's office and asked about that, too.

I'm glad I thought to have That Guy bring Depends but that's also something you'd think someone would like, mention. You know?

So that's what having stents has been like so far.

Feels like a bad UTI, though for some people they feel nothing. Need adult diapers for accidents. Need to be near a toilet at all times, and not going to get a hell of a lot of continuous sleep for a while.

-

I also think it's worth noting that I've had two male doctors blow me off about this and I think the only thing that went differently at the ER was that it was a female doctor.

The first male doctor said it was an anxiety attack.

The second male doctor said it was a viral stomach bug.

The female doctor listened to my symptoms and ordered a bunch of tests.

So, more personal blather about the whole situation.

While I was in the first ER I heard a man yelling and starting trouble in the waiting room. That Guy and Son got up and left as soon as the man was distracted by a security guy. I'd had told them to go home as soon as they dropped me off and I would text if I needed picked up. I knew I wasn't going home, though.

-

My neighbor was an elderly lady and they kept trying to figure out when she'd last pooped but she couldn't remember. Finally she called them in and was like I need to poop so they wrestled her up on a bed pan (she cried, she was in a lot of pain) and then left her alone with her curtain closed to poop. Right then the floor doctor walked in and was like HI MISS GERALDINE and whipped her curtain open to start talking to her.

...

I chewed him out. That's very atypical of me. Like, I laid into him for not asking if she was wanting to talk in that exact moment. And then I felt really bad until I realized he's probably had people a lot more angry at him than me considering a lot of the patients I could hear were elderly and some were confused, and I didn't feel bad anymore.

-

Since it's a university-run hospital there were sometimes pairs of nurses, and at one point a trainee came in to give me a dose of antibiotics through the IV but she hooked it into the wrong plug which depressurized the system and blood starting backing up the tube. As soon as she saw that she ran to get her trainer and they spent some time doing a full reset of the IV set up.

I wasn't worried or anything. It was my own blood and it could only go so far/only so much could be lost. At the most a cup since the saline bag was fresh and mostly full, still. So I was totally calm the whole time, which I'm sure helped.

I think the nurse in training was surprised when her trainer stepped out and I encouraged her instead of yelling at her. I praised her for not being too proud to get help when she noticed an issue, and for observing how to rectify the situation.

-

That Guy was like "Yesterday's nurses did NOT like me..." and I was like yeah I kind of told on you, but not out loud. He got put on the shit list FAST by staff. So for that I have a note in my account that I'm experiencing financial abuse and he exhibits controlling behavior. If there ever is a point where Son and I have to leave, I have the name of where to call. There's a facility in Next Town Over where the hospital is that will come and get us, and that would be the last time we see him.

I feel guilty for saying anything because he has paid for my existence for decades but he has also been abusive, just not physically.

They asked me if Son is safe at home alone with That Guy and I said "Safe, yes. Happy, no."

They also asked like how is Son and I said he seems to understand that his father's behavior isn't his fault but he still has had to endure it.

I also in the process learned how much money he makes (I didn't know before) and wow we should all certainly have insurance (he and Son might through his work but I have nothing and don't qualify for assistance while he claims me on his taxes as a dependent) and have had medical care all this time and there's no reason at all to be doing the whole -pointedly look at the food receipt every grocery trip, look up at the sky angrily, shake his head, shove it in his pocked, huff, and walk away- thing. Also explains why his work friends keep suggesting burger joints that end up costing like $80 for the whole family....

[awkward-tension-art]

Ok so @yourgentlegirlfriend got this ask and because I’m in stem, and because I thought Leon was a pretty man, I wanted to write it.

I have never played any resident evil game but when I saw Leon I audibly said “woah mama” so I’m writing Leon as someone who only knows his character through the copious amounts of smut I’ve read in the last week.

Content warnings: Angst, comfort at the end, self-hate, a lot of guilt and shame, Leon being a sweetheart, a lot of science talk, mentions of Raccoon City, swearing, gender-neutral S/O but if I miss some pronouns let me know, reader is a scientist

If I miss any tags/warnings shoot me a message

———

Another failure. Another contamination. Another fuck-up.

Science is a cruel mistress. And you deserve such treatment.

You were just an intern at the time, but you aided in research for Umbrella. In your free time you were the one who came up with the virus. At first it was just an impossible idea, but with funding and resources it could be possible.

You presented to the heads of the science department a plan. A vaccine that could be a ‘catch all’ for every viral infection. The idea was a good one, created with purely selfless intentions. a virus with so many proteins packed into it, the immune system would be able to fight off any virus with even a slight match to the vaccine. It could be distributed to places struggling with healthcare. It didn’t have to cost anything. It could save lives!

But in your naïveté and starry-eyed vision, you didn’t realize how the very people you called colleagues and friends stole your work. Your name would be on the published paper, but your idea became Umbrella’s. It was no longer yours.

Your research, a plan to help the world, was twisted. It was forced to become an agent of destruction. You watched as they ripped out the good and replaced it with their own vile intentions.

You couldn’t handle it. You left, removing your name from the project. You signed a hefty NDA, and walked away.

You were to blame for Raccoon City. So many deaths…so much destruction and sorrow all on your head.

When you found out that Leon, your boyfriend, survived that hell you rushed from the room to vomit and cry.

Bless him, he thought you felt bad for his experiences. He even felt guilty when you sobbed throughout the night.

You felt more than bad, of course. But Leon was your guilt and shame in the flesh. He was proof that your ignorance fucked up the world. You were in love with the man your naïveté and passion traumatized.

He couldn’t know. He couldn’t know that you were responsible for everything he went through.

Even now, years later, you dedicated yourself to a research hospital. Cancer research specifically. No one could twist that. No one could rip out the good intentions of that.

Intentions be damned. Your passion had been ripped away the moment Umbrella sank their claws into your research.

You sank to the floor. Everything began to spiral. You were a killer. You were an agent of destruction. You were evil. A failure. You deserved-

“(Y/N)?”

You looked up, eyes meeting Leon. There was nothing but worry in his icy blue gaze, “hey, are you alright? Rough day?”

You didn’t even open your mouth before you were sobbing. Your heart was racing. Panic and stress were running through your veins. You had to tell him now.

He’ll hate you. Leon will hate you. Despise you.

You are evil.

Evil. Evil. Evil.

“I’m sorry!” You cried out, digging your nails into your arms. In your panic you had shoved your boyfriend back.

His eyes were wide. Concern. Fear. What happened to you? He mentally ran through any scenario that might put you in this state. Could he fix it? Could he help you?

“It’s all my fault.” You sobbed, “everything is my fault!” Your face was in your hands, “I’m a monster…”

“Alright, alright. Let’s talk this through,” Leon began to talk you down, “You’re not a monster. Why would you even say that?”

“Raccoon City!” You shouted, looking up. Your eyes were red and puffy. Tears marked your cheeks, “it’s all my fault!” Your throat closed as you choked on another sob.

Leon furrowed his brow, all he could do was get you on your feet and get you to the couch. Your crying had faded into soft whispers and croaks by then.

But…you wouldn’t let him touch you.

“You deserve better,” there was so much self-hatred in your eyes, “I’m a monster. I did it. I gave them the idea. They stole it from me. They….I was so stupid.”

“Who, who stole what from you?” Your boyfriend was sitting next to you, trying to coax more answers, “Listen, we can figure this out.” He tried to gently reassure.

Your brain was going haywire. Your emotions were out of your control. Was this panic? PTSD? You had no control anymore, “We can’t, Leon!” You snapped, “I destroyed Raccoon City! It’s all my fault.” You shot up from the couch and began pacing.

You told him everything. How you were hired. What you were put to work on. How your idea was supposed to be for good. To help the world.

How it was stolen from you. How your selfless idea was supposed to help mankind but was turned and twisted into something evil.

“I wanted to do good!” You ended up devolving into weeping again. Your legs failed you and you fell to the floor again, “I wanted to help people!” Sobs racked your body over and over again. You even lost control of your own muscles, as you were paralyzed from your own emotional state.

You didn’t want to look up. You didn’t want to see the hatred in Leon’s eyes. You didn’t want to look at the utter betrayal on his face.

You couldn’t….

Strong arms wrapped around you. Leon was on his knees, taking you into a tight hug.

“I’m sorry…” you weakly croaked, “I’m sorry…I’m a monster….”

“You’re not a monster.” He planted a soft kiss on the top of your head, “It’s Umbrella. It’s not you. They broke everything. They were the ones who did this.”

“I gave them the idea…if I just kept my stupid mouth shut.”

“You had an idea that could have helped a lot of people who needed it.” His words were soft spoken. Kind and comforting, “I mean, I don’t know much about science but a vaccine that could be used for all viruses? Sounds like it would have been amazing.”

Why didn’t he hate you? You wanted to ask him that very question. But at this point you were exhausted. Exhausted of the guilt. The shame.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” He pulled you away to look at you. His hand was at your cheek, wiping away tears with his thumb.

You didn’t see any hate. Only worry.

You swallowed, voice cracking as you spoke, “I didn’t want you to hate me.” Your answer was genuine, “I love you, Leon. And I didn’t…” your throat closed again, holding back another cry.

“Well, I love you too.” He kissed your forehead, speaking softly, “and I could never hate you.” Leon was gentle with you. He spoke gently. Touched you gently. Kissed you gently.

You needed gentle. You were cracked glass, waiting to shatter. But he seemed to be the only one to hold you without breaking you completely.

Leon kissed the top of your head again. His hands were slowing running up and down your back in comfort.

Your behavior made sense now. Your obsession with doing the right thing. Your paranoia over your research. He just assumed all scientists had a degree of ‘madness’ to them. But now he understood.

The trauma and guilt had you in vice. Just like him. You may not have seen Raccoon City with your own eyes, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have been traumatized by it.

Umbrella broke the both of you. But that doesn’t mean you were alone in picking up the pieces.

[c---crow]

the descriptors "accidental and kind of complicated" have me intensely curious. 😳 if that's ok and/or something you could explain in a post

this is gonna be a long one!

cw: talking about weight, unhealthy food habits

ok so i'm on medication that reduces my appetite and i've been on it since high school. as a teenager life was very hectic so i neglected to feed myself most of the time and didn't realize how much weight i had dropped and literally just didn't notice/ignored it. i became underweight, not on purpose, but because there was so much going on in my life that i didn't pay any attention to my own health and because my medication suppressed my appetite.

my weight stayed pretty low until like 2 years into college, well after i had started T. i would try to work out and gain some muscle but because i wasn't eating nearly enough, it didn't do much in terms of muscle mass. i also had a massive fear of public gyms because of some bad social anxiety. i also didn't have the mental energy or appetite signals to think about my diet.

fast forward to first semester of my third year of college, i started dating my partner. he powerlifts and noticed pretty fast how terrible my diet was, so he helped me get on track to eating more and eating better

unfortunately i got horribly sick with bacterial bronchitis. like terribly sick. hospitalized multiple times. doctors kept trying to treat me for VIRAL bronchitis because it's more common than bacterial, but the corticosteroids for viral bronchitis treatment can suppress the immune system and actually ended up worsening my condition. i was sick for over a month before someone gave me antibiotics. in total i was completely out of commission for 2+ months, and even after i was no longer infected, my body was Fucked

during those 2+ months of illness and recovery after, i gained A Lot of weight because given enough food, i gain fat very quickly if i am sedentary. luckily my body also converts fat to muscle very quickly, so i've bulked up quite a bit. im recovered now, my immune system has also recovered, i eat better, and i work out. i'm on a schedule now for eating so the lack of hunger signals doesn't make me forget

tldr medication made me underweight until i got really fucking sick and gained a lot of weight which then converted to muscle pretty fast bc of genetics and i have better habits now to maintain my weight

[pencilofawesomeness]

Do you ever get that middle-of-the-night urge to think about something completely random about one of your favorites? Such as, say, the way that the Japanese use of the word virus doesn’t seem to match up to either its definition or how Americans use it? Like how when Cobra first fought Natsu, he described his roar as filling Natsu’s body with a virus(which would be a strange expression of his ability to use poison, if it were factually accurate), and how in the Kemo-Kemo episodes, everyone who got sick immediately assumed that the island had a virus on it, when in reality they would not have been able to determine the exact cause(Well, maybe Wendy could, but that wasn’t shown). They really should have gone for a much more general term such as biohazard, rather than the much more specific virus. As far as I can figure, Japan seems to use virus for sudden and bad illness that has certain symptoms.

Middle of the night urges to Think About Things is the bread and butter and bane of my existence lmao. Bonus points when it comes with unhinged rabbit trails through internet research. *shaking your hand* I get you, friend.

I never realized/considered the use of the "virus" translation before but that's really interesting! I forgot about the Kemo-Kemo bit (I need to rewatch that mini arc sometime, I remember loving it), but I remember figuring Cobra was just being dramatic lol. The effective connotation of "virus" is clear enough anyway, exact details aside. Though I suppose.... magic might actually be more virus like? In an odd way? Because it's not a bacteria, alive on its own, but it does have its own self-governance in a way?? (I am not a biologist or a scientist in any shape or form; I barely know what I am talking about.) So if magic infects something and transforms parts of organisms, it would be virus-like, even if it's not viral, in that sense...

Heck. Now I'm overthinking this too.... (Thank you XD)