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driftingandlostwords · 1 year

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week 1

started draft january 27th

the first week after i broke up with him was really rough it was so confusing and painful. i broke up with him on the 5th and then he told me that he went to go stay with friends that friday night through saturday night. he came back on sunday and said how he had been sleeping in his car the past night and had lied abt staying with ppl. and it just made me so angry that he had done that bc it made it seem like i was a barrier to him having a place to stay when i told him it was okay for him to be here and that it didnt matter to me. it made me angry that he lied to me about staying at peoples places when all he had to do was ask if it was okay for him to stay there. he also had his parents place to go to and i just didnt understand why he didnt take any of those options. sleeping in the car just made me seem like the bad guy that kicked him out when that wasn't the case at all.

he then told me on the night of the 8th that he told his parents that we had broken up when he had dinner with them that day. that was really upsetting to hear because that was not what we had agreed upon. we had agreed that if we broke up that we would tell his parents together since im pretty close to his family. at the time, i didn't fight it because i was too exhausted and it was sort of a whats done is done kind of deal. thinking about it now, i feel like he told me that because he knew that it would hurt me and it would let him have control of the situation. at the time, i just made the mental note to talk to his parents on my own time when i felt more stable to do so. he half slept in his car sunday night and then came back up around 4am or something and i just slept on the couch. monday night he went to stay with his parents and he came back tuesday morning with all the food that his mom had made for us. we went to work separately that day because he "didnt have enough gas in his car." he went to go stay with a friend on tuesday night since he was going down to Houston for a concert on the 11th. funny thing about the concert is that he told me it would be a three day trip when i first asked and it turned out to be a single day - they left wednesday morning and then came back thursday afternoon while i was still at work. when he came home on thursday he was asking me for help with the laundry and then i saw that he was on the phone with jordan in our own apartment while i was sitting outside doing wfh. it felt like such an insult to everything we had talked abt that past thursday (5th)

wednesday was when things got bad again >> i wrote this on 1/27 and now on 3/27 i have no idea what really happened on a week to week basis <<

january recap from what i can remember now [3/27] - the rest of the month was really just a downhill trend. we went from saying we would try to make things work the night i broke up with him to strange/petty/childish behavior not even 24 hours after the breakup. he wouldnt stay at the apartment but he also refused to stay at his parents house or at friend's places. it was his choice to sleep in his car for whatever nights he decided and thats on him - he wasnt about to make me out to be the bad person when i offered what i could to him. he also couldnt make me leave when it was him that destroyed everything we had. i remember at some point he came back one day and just erupted about how he couldnt live there anymore and that it was too much. he ended up going to stay at his parents house since i think they had left for vietnam at this point. he initially agreed to split the rent with me even though he wasnt living there but then wouldnt communicate it with me about it/made it seem like i was being unfair to him when i literally couldnt afford the place by myself. i didnt dump the place on him and it would just be courtesy to return that act to me. instead i got met with petulant childishness. i remeber i asked him to come clean the hamster cage late janurary and he just wouldnt do it because he couldnt be at the apartment. well if you wont take the hamster with you then you gotta come take care of it - its not my pet and you cant take things out on it. it took me telling him to grow up and be mature for him to come and do it. and when he was there he got upset at the stupidest things and then left storming off. at some point he came back for clothes and snapped at me for asking questions when i was just curious what was going on. i got accused of trying to keep tabs on him. and then he did a 180 and said how he couldnt be at the apartmet because it made him upset and then he asked for a hug and just sobbed and hyperventilated on me. there was so much whiplash in that interaction but i couldnt find any ounce of sympathy for him. i cant even really recall everything that happened in between when he left to go stay with his parents and when his parents came back. i know i was able to see his location through some weird glitch. so i knew that he was spending time at jordan's house and that he went down to austin with her. i know that late january i found out through sheyla that he had lied about everything. i knew that he lied to me about the friend group going bar hopping in bishop arts - he and jordan went alone on a date (a date that i actually dressed him for which is fucked up beyond belief). i found out through sheyla that the austin trip was just them two and that he had lied about it being a team trip. i found out through sheyla that he had lied about when we broke up as well which is crazy. if he wanted out so bad fucking leave dont drag me along with false promises and hope and dont throw your friends under the bus to lie to me. i cant really remember anything else that happened in january but finding out all the lies and the constant immaturity are really the overarching things

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team-gabriel · 4 years

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At some point, after ages of bottling things up and trying to numb the pain by ignoring it, Glass snaps. This happens: Glass sits quietly during a staff meeting, trying to keep it all in still, but he cant stop himself from shaking and shedding a few tears. Bright notices and out-loud asks if Glass is okay, and that's when Simon cant hold it in anymore. He breaks down, practically screaming as he sobs that no, hes not okay, he hasnt been okay in so long and that he cant take it anymore- (1/2)

Simon can hardly sleep anymore. If he manages three hours, it’s a really good night.

He’s having less and less really good nights...

Those stupid melatonin gummies hardly do a thing for him and Benadryl does little more than leave him feeling groggy the next morning...

He sleeps. The nightmares wake him up. The cycle continues until he ends up watching dumb wildlife documentaries at 4am in an attempt to pull his focus onto anything else.

But still, exhausted or not, he goes to work every morning as usual. He drinks enough coffee to probably put a fully grown grizzly bear dangerously close to a caffeine overdose — he doesn’t even really like the taste of the stuff, he just needs it to function at this point.

He’s getting better at putting up his walls, at smiling like nothing’s wrong, at pushing his own troubling thoughts aside... he can almost brush off the sickening feeling in his stomach every time he notices someone staring at the fading scars on his lips.

He’s getting better. He says he’s getting better.

Well, technically, he never said there was anything wrong to begin with...

...But it’s wearing at him, little by little. Like rainwater slowly cutting through stone, like snowflakes gathering on a roof until it reaches the point of caving — it’s gradual, it’s discrete... but its damage over time is great.

Glass has been bottling everything up, and now he’s only a few drops from spilling over...

He can barely focus on the staff meeting. Gears is talking about something, but Simon’s own thoughts are too loud.

They pull at him, like a dark rope that keeps wrapping tighter and tighter, until he finds it hard to even breathe.

Glass turns his focus back down to the blank notepad he was supposed to be taking notes on, and he taps his pen quietly against the surface. He’s been so on edge lately — anxious, almost — it has to be all of the caffeine. He says it’s only from the caffeine...

He forces himself to stop tapping the pen when he notices Bright’s concerned glances. Simon clenches his jaw tightly as he returns to trying to take notes...

He manages a few scribbled words before he can barely read them behind the blur of unshed tears that sting his eyes.

Simon takes a deep breath, trying to hold it as long as the horrible tightness in his chest would allow.

He pulls his glasses from his face, massaging at the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes, pretending he was simply trying to work through a headache.

It clearly wasn’t as solid of an act as he had hoped...

“Simon?”

“...fine.”

“...Are you sure you’re alr—?”

“For the last time — I said I’m fine!” Glass snaps harshly, momentarily forgetting of the fact that he was in he middle of a meeting and drawing an uncomfortable amount of focus to himself and his outburst.

Simon straightens awkwardly, glancing around at his coworkers. “I’m... sorry,” he says, forcing his expression into a tight frown. “Bad headache. I’ll... I’ll just see myself out.”

He doesn’t wait for any response before he gathers his (mostly-blank) notes and hurries out.

...Once again, pretending not to notice the way Kondraki motioned with his head for Bright to follow.

He just hopes to get back to his office as quickly as he can, ready to act like this didn’t happen, just like everything else...

Bright meets him up at his office, knocking softly at the doorframe as Simon pretends he didn’t notice him there.

“Glass? Can we talk?”

“Huh? Right, uh... sorry for yelling earlier, I didn’t mean it... Headache.”

“Look, Glass, I’m getting really worried.”

“What? Worried? What’s—? Why are you worried?” Simon asks quickly. “Did— do you want to talk to me about it?”

“You. You’re worrying me,” Jack replies. “And yes, I do think we need to talk about it.”

“Me? I’m– Jack, I’m fine!” Glass assures. “I’m fine. Completely fine. Everything is fine!”

“Bullshit, Simon. I may not be a psychiatrist, but anybody with eyes can see that you are clearly not fine...”

“Jack, I mean it, I’m not–“

Bright pulls the chair from the other side of the desk, sitting so that he is directly in front of Simon.

“Oh, I know you’re not,” he says. “So we’re just going to talk about this– and by we, I mean you.”

“Jack, I’m— there’s nothing to talk about. I told you — it’s just a a headache.”

“You know that’s not what I mean, Simon.”

Glass opens his mouth, clearly about to argue back with another poorly veiled lie, but he shuts it wordlessly, frowning as he clenches his jaw.

Until finally, he speaks the first shred of truth about the situation.

“...I’d much rather we talked about something else.”

“Well that’s too damn bad,” Jack says. “Because this is what we’re talking about.”

More silence.

“If it’s really not bothering you, it shouldn’t be difficult, right?”

Still more silence. Glass is anxiously drumming his pen against his desk again.

“Simon, just admit that this is still bothering you and we can–“

“—Jack, did you know that some species of parrots can live for 70 years?” Glass interjects suddenly. “I didn’t know that. Did you know that?”

“Glass, we aren’t changing the subject.”

“...And there was this one bird that knew almost two-thousand different words! Two-thousand, Jack! I don’t even think I know two-thousand different words–!”

“Simon–“

“I’ve been watching a lot of Animal Planet at night–“

“Oh, believe me, I can tell,” Jack replies. “And you’re doing a real piss-poor job at trying to derail the subject...”

“And ducks! Jack, did you know that ducks– they don’t– they–“

Jack can practically see the will breaking in his eyes at this point.

“Simon...”

Glass takes in a shaky breath.

“Jack, did you know that sometimes– sometimes I just want to scream, but I’m afraid that if I do then I’ll just never stop.”

Glass is wringing his hands, avoiding Jack’s eyes. Bright lets him continue speaking without interruption.

“...Did you know that sometimes it feels like the whole world is trying to come crashing down on me all at once – and I know it’s not, I know it’s in my head – Simon, you’re being ridiculous, you’re a psychiatrist for Christ’s sake, just- just look at your notes or something!” Glass rambled. “And- and you’re right! I’m a psychiatrist, so why am I– I shouldn’t be– what an absolute hypocrite!”

“Simon, you aren’t a hypocrite.”

“Oh, but I am!” Simon replies. “I am, Jack! I sit here all day and I tell people to open up and quit bottling everything inside – but I can’t even follow my own bloody advice?! No, I just poke and pry at everybody’s traumas and I can’t even talk about one goddamn little insignificant raid?!”

“It’s not insignificant, Glass.”

“Compared to all the shit that everyone else has gone through?! Believe me, I know — I’ve heard it all!” Simon exclaims. “Jack, I can guarantee that you’ve experienced things a million times worse than—!”

“But it isn’t about me! We’re talking about you—!”

“That doesn’t matter!”

“You were tortured, Simon!” Bright exclaims. “You were hurt — you still are hurt — don’t try to tell me that that doesn’t matter!”

“I was only tortured because I let myself get captured! Practically deserved it at that point! Think about it! If it were you or Clef, or Kondraki — you’d’ve escaped ages before anyone could even—!”

“Simon, what?!”

“I practically just let it happen, Jack! I couldn’t fight, I couldn’t escape — I couldn’t even tough it up enough to pull out the goddamn stitches on my own! It was a wasted rescue mission, Jack — nobody should’ve had to put themselves in danger for someone so worthless to the Foundation!”

“Simon... what...?”

Glass could only shake his head, refusing to meet Jack’s eyes.

“You aren’t worthless, Si.”

“Then why do I always feel like I am?!”

Glass has already opened up more in the past four minutes than he had in four weeks, and he’s had enough. He sits in his chair, burying his face in his hands. Jack steps closer, standing directly in front of him, pulling the therapist into a hug.

“Simon, it’s okay...” he whispers. “It’s okay...”

Glass, after several long, shaky sobs, hugs him back — Bright resting his chin on the top of Simon’s head, pulling his fingers softly through the back of Simon’s hair.

“You aren’t worthless, Si. You aren’t pathetic. You aren’t weak.”

And, in Jack’s arms, Simon finally let himself break down. Every buried feeling spilling to the surface — that crushing weight in his chest finally beginning to lessen.

He knew it was a discrete, gradual thing — like recovering from a broken bone, like flowers regrowing after a wildfire...

But, in Jack’s arms, Simon finally let himself begin to heal.

#dr simon glass #long post #i.... got carried away #...again #so... yeah #have some angst

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quarantinebreakup412081121 · 3 years

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Day 2: Break ups happen every day, you don’t have to lose it

And yet it feels like I have. It feels like I’ve actually lost something worth having this time. Something that I still want. Someone that I still want. Someone that I still NEED. I’m sure my opinion will change on this as time passes, but everything about this situation is exceedingly difficult for me to process, especially since I still don’t have an understanding of what the hell happened. How am I ever supposed to truly move on from this? I haven’t told anyone this- and I didn’t even tell him- but I loved him... I love him. Present tense. After my first ex, I swore I’d never be the first person to say those words again, so I was holding on to them, hoping that he’d reach the same point sooner rather than later, and hoping that, for the first time, I’d have a real, true, solid, loving, healthy relationship.

I don’t want to go back to Tinder. And honestly, at this point, even after I give myself some time, I think they’re right when they say Tinder is the clearance rack of humans. Except sometimes you get pretty decent stuff from the clearance rack... Tinder aside, I don’t want to go back to anything. And I know this is how I felt when my first ex and I ended, and obviously I don’t feel that way about him now- but with this one... it feels so different and I can’t understand how I can feel so deeply and passionately about someone who was able to throw me and our months of experiences- months of life- away with a single text.

I’ve cried enough times today that my eyelids are actually swollen. I’m okay sometimes- on the outside- then I’m crying. I’m always crying on the inside. I have been since 12:50pm yesterday. I woke up and for almost a solid 30 seconds forgot what happened, and then it hit me. And that’s probably only because I had stayed up until almost 4am unable to sleep because of all the emotions running through me.

I am physically and mentally exhausted on levels I never reached during my last breakup- and that was a breakup from a 5 year relationship.

I wonder if he knows how much this is hurting me. I wonder if he cares. If maybe, he knew it wouldn’t work out and he was genuinely saving us from both getting more invested in something that wouldn’t work, but also feels badly about what he did. Does he carry any guilt? Or has he forgotten about me already? Has he thrown away the matching t-shirts we had- including the one I special ordered, that we NEVER WORE. Has he disposed of the shampoo and conditioner I left in his shower? Has he tossed the deck of question cards I left because we still had a few to go to finish the entire set? Has he gotten rid of the blanket I gave his dog- something to cover the couch so she’d be allowed to sit on it? Has he thrown out the Ellie Badge Grape Soda pin that I gave him after we watched Up? I wanted him to be in my club. I wanted him to be the Carl to my Ellie. I really wanted all of that. I remember giving it to him. I told him I had a surprise for him and I showed up wearing the matching shirt (Peas in a Pod #1 and #2) and then had the pin in my pocket. He gave me a hug and tickled me, then pulled the pin from my pocket and dropped it in the hood of my sweatshirt when he reached back around to hug me. I felt it and immediately knew where it was- and when I handed it to him, I didn’t even have to remind him of what it was. He opened it and pinned it to his shirt right away and wore it for the rest of the day. Afterward, he kept it on top of the shelf in his bedroom, along with a card I’d sent him in the mail and the deck of question cards.

This is the same man who simply stopped wanting to hang out- but didn’t say that- and then essentially ghosted me. I don’t understand it. I don’t know how to make myself come to terms with whatever it is that happened. How does someone change so quickly and so dramatically?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I just... I can’t anymore.

#right where you left me #taylor swift #taylorswift #breakup #heartache #love #loss #hurt #pain #quarantine #quarantine breakup #quarantinebreakup #post breakup #confusion #nonfiction

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silver-wield · 4 years

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(1/3) Agreeing with the 🌼 anon. That blogger didn’t use “woman empowerment” but she did use “female assertiveness”, and she’s actually an abuse victim herself. Only problem is that she seems to invalidate people who’ve had different abusive/uncomfortable and toxic experiences with behaviors like Aerith’s. I think she raises some good points about the use of the word “abusive” in fandom spaces, but her assumption that the people speaking out haven’t suffered abuse is what makes me critical.

(2/3) She’s recently talked about how Tifa forced Cloud to do things as well. I’m of the opinion that the two situations are largely different for a variety of reasons. Cloud never outright tells Tifa “no” and has it ignored. His grumping is often just a front. With Aerith, on the other hand, he’s consistently uncomfortable. Forced to take little to no pay for his work, faced with people who don’t take no for an answer, and is prevented from leaving by Aerith intercepting him.

(3/3) I said “prevented from leaving” when I should have said she exhibited some truly stalkerish behavior and jumped out at him in the darkness from an alley as he was trying to go. It’s not exactly shining behavior on her part. Especially when she then delays his leaving even more. I think it’s strange to grasp for a lot of people because Cloud doesn’t put up more of a fight, but I also think some manipulation tactics were put into play.

(4/5) Anon who agrees with 🌼 again. The issue has been bothering me a bit because she does raise a good point: why doesn’t Cloud ask anybody else for help? I was wondering if you could answer that question (no pressure, of course). What bothers me the most is that this blogger keeps assuming people are mentioning this as a way to justify hating a character. She implies that the people speaking up haven’t experienced abuse and that they only know it as an abstract concept.

(5/5) That’s incredibly damaging to a lot of people. I myself liked Aerith as a character once I got to know her better, and actually ship her with Cloud (I’m a multishipper), but there’s no ignoring that Aerith acts very strange in chapter 8, at the detriment of Cloud’s consent, comfort, time, and stability. The fact that so many people have spoken up about this isn’t a coincidence. People with bad experiences are coming out and getting disregarded. That shouldn’t be happening.

Apologies for the long post 😅 I hope you don’t mind. I’m pretty impassioned about this issue, honestly. Because I do actually agree with the blogger on multiple points, but find that she seems to keep missing the issue and hurting other people in the fandom. Cloud doesn’t need to be held at gunpoint to be put into an uncomfortable (and possibly dangerous - he doesn’t know Aerith all that well) situation. She’s right about how certain words are misused, but she’s dodging the heart of the issue.

Honestly, it’s exhausting how these people take concepts they don’t understand and slap them on shit that’s the exact opposite like if they scream they’re right enough people will believe them.

It takes as long as your browser and typing speed to look shit up.

Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive.

WITHOUT.

Assertiveness is not gender oriented, so what the fuck even are people blabbing about now? Female assertiveness? Gimme a break. Being assertive is a character trait. Some people are naturally assertive, while others need to learn how to stand up for themselves. Like a particular spiky haired protagonist.

Aerith’s not assertive, she’s pushy because she doesn’t respect Cloud, and respect is part of being assertive. Being able to get your point across without being a douchebag about it. Like how certain people are constantly screaming how they’re right and dragging everyone else through the mud. Those people aren’t assertive because assertiveness is a positive trait. It implies confidence in oneself and one’s ideals. There’s no need to be a dick to people because they believe in their viewpoint and see no reason to pull others down.

Ex: I’m both assertive and can be a dick because one of my other traits is petty bench, but on the whole I’m assertive without activating that petty bench mode until people piss me off because I operate on a respect and respect alike policy. If people come to me and give me shit then they shouldn’t expect flowers in exchange.

Back to the thing.

Aerith talks over Cloud, ignores his opinion, bullies him into doing what she wants “this is the plan, Cloud, and you’ll learn to love it” and deliberately ignores the fact he says no. That line creeps me tf out and it obviously does Cloud too because he literally steps up to her and says “what?” in an aggressive voice. Cloud has a limit and Aerith was very close to going over it.

Cloud. said. no.

And guess what? Cloud’s not assertive. Not for himself. Not until he’s pushed beyond normal means.

He couldn’t say no to Jessie, despite not being happy about the job. He couldn’t refuse to help Aerith, despite not wanting to fight Reno -- he knows how tough Turks are, he’s not an idiot -- and then he got compensated with a date that made Reno call him a weirdo (and he never accepted it either, so Aerith’s yet another person in sector 5 who took him for a fool). So, yeah, no goddamn wonder Cloud’s reluctant to argue when Aerith could ruin his hard won reputation inside of an afternoon. He says “That wasn’t the deal” when she tries to force him to stay, but can’t keep insisting when that doesn’t work. Because Cloud is shy af. Were people not paying attention to the promise? To CC? That’s real Cloud and real Cloud makes up the core of soldier Cloud. He’s a shy, awkward boy who could barely speak to his crush. He didn’t get along with others because he’s introverted. He’s quiet and reserved. Just because he kicks all the ass doesn’t change that about him.

Cloud isn’t a talker. Everyone knows this about him. It’s a canon fact. So, not being a talker, being reserved, quiet, introverted, unable to speak up for his own sake when he wants something that together showcases someone who isn’t good at standing up for himself. He tries. He tried so hard to refuse Aerith, but he was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He either got lost trying to get home or he put up with the pushy girl who keeps making him do shit he doesn’t want to. He sighs and pulls faces and doesn’t look happy. He wants to go home. He still said no several times to her whenever she tried to waylay him further. She didn’t care about what he wanted. That doesn’t make her assertive. It makes her the asshole because she has no respect for him.

People think that because he called Jessie desperate that it meant he wanted to stay with Aerith. That he’s capable of speaking up for himself. Nope With Jessie, he’d had a long ass day of work and longer ass night, been excluded by both Barret and the Avalanche trio, made to break into Jessie’s house (which doesn’t sit well with Cloud’s actual moral compass), then did a bunch more difficult shit fighting off Shinra and then literally jumped off the plate. Okay?! Cloud had a long ass day and it was like 4am by that point and he was tired. Anybody tries to say after that much work they’d be nice Imma call them a goddamn liar.

Aerith refused to tell Cloud the way home, absolutely prevented him from leaving, made him do a bunch of work for shitty or no pay, belittled and insulted him, then barricaded the hallway so he couldn’t escape and stalked him to the exit when he escaped. He literally pulls a yessh face after reluctantly agreeing to let her show him how to get home. And then when they get there she withholds vital information for how he can actually get into the sector (or did people not notice him saying the giant gate was shut too?) until she gets what she wants out of him. And he sighs. Again. He has no say in anything because Aerith doesn’t listen to anyone but herself. The only reason he starts being nice to her is she tries to get info about Zack out of him and Cloud’s a nice guy who feels sorry for her. He knows he’ll never see her after this (or did people also misinterpret that reaction to Elmyra? Probably, since the only person he’d want to make a normal life with is Tifa, so being told he can’t is gonna get a reaction duh), so why be a dick to a girl who’s obviously upset about her boyfriend? Literally the second he saw Tifa -- barely even saw her because he knew that was her from the back of her head, her shoulder and hands -- he ran to her. He forgot Aerith even existed. But, sure, please do focus on the fact that he respected Tifa enough to do as she asked after an entire goddamn day of being disrespected by someone else. He’s not gonna treat Tifa the way he was just treated by Aerith. He actually cares about her.

And what did they think the message in Stand Up was? It’s not about dancing ffs. Andrea’s telling Cloud not to be afraid to be himself. That means speaking up for himself too, not about being real Cloud, which is a message he wouldn’t even understand at that point because he’s soldier Cloud and not aware of real Cloud. Andrea figured out Cloud right away. He saw a boy who’d do anything for the woman he loved, even let himself get pressured into something he’d be embarrassed by. That’s what stand up means in relation to Cloud.

Tifa never forced Cloud to do anything. She asked him to go with her to collect filter money, then immediately backtracked when she realised she’d have to pay him for that too. Cloud agreed and smiled at her. She also let him keep all of the money they got, which in the end gave him a grand total of 2150 gil, not the 2000 he was promised, so they overpaid him to make up for the delay.

She also asked him after the first quest “what do you want to do now?” and he said “Dunno,” so she made a suggestion. There’s no force behind that. He could refuse and go take a nap or something. She spent the day getting him work and helping him with that work, so much so that he was fully prepared to split the fee with her. Unlike with Aerith.

I could go on and on about this because I’ve gone over that chapter so many times. I don’t just replay odd chapters to get stuff, I replay the entire game, so I get to see the development of everything as it unfolds and see those connections between things that I overlooked before because I was too busy looking at something else. People think because they spend umpteen hours in sector 5 that Cloud did too. Nope. Cloud was there for around 11 hours before he left.

It was morning when he woke and since in December the sun would rise around 8am, that’s the earlier possible time that it could’ve been. In fact it could’ve been later. Cloud and Aerith spend several hours getting back to the sector so that it’s close to dinner time when they arrive. She then makes him do odd jobs for a few hours and then they eat and Cloud has a nap -- because he literally has a dream. You know, that thing people keep clinging to. He can’t dream if he’s not asleep. When he wakes up it’s dark and since it’s past dinner time, it’s around 6-7pm when he escapes and makes for the sector 6 exit. And that’s chapter 8.

Chapter 9 takes around 4 hours for them to complete. They spend a couple of hours fighting in the coliseum, then Cloud messes around while Aerith’s getting ready, which from Madam M seems to take around an hour. That leaves the rest of the time for the honey bee inn show, getting Cloud changed, walking to Corneo’s and the bit in the dungeon. Then they get dropped in the sewers.

Do you see how little time Cloud actually spent with Aerith? He’s known her for like 15 hours total before he reunites with Tifa. And people think he fell in love with her? Ew. Even Disney knew better than to try that.

#ship war #for common sense #long post #for the cinnamon roll

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publiccollectors · 4 years

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QUARANZINE #14

QUARANZINE #14: Rachel Herman. Rachel was diagnosed as a presumptive positive for COVID-19 after a test for Influenza A and B turned up negative. She's been fighting the virus for just over two weeks. Yesterday she posted this long message on Facebook about her experience so far and I asked her about publishing it in QUARANZINE. She had been thinking about reaching out to me, so we were both on the same page. The text is very long for the format I adhere to so the type is quite small, unfortunately. Here it is in its entirety: Dear friends,

This is the week many of us will get sick. Social distancing is working, but most cities waited too long to declare shelter-in-place orders and many others have yet to. So, we will see spikes in confirmed cases within the next week or so. I want you all to be armed with pragmatic and useful information if this happens to you or someone you care about.

I am on Day 14 of what was diagnosed as a presumptive positive for COVID-19 after a test for Influenza A and B turned up negative. (I am still waiting for my COVID-19 results.) I’ve had a relatively mild case, and I’m on the mend. My congestion is clearing up, I can breathe deeply again, and going up and down the stairs doesn’t make me winded. My energy and appetite are coming back though I still have had a fever of 100+ for 14 straight days. Most of us will get a mild case. 40-70% of us will get it, but so much of the media frenzy right now is focused on things that were important last week and yesterday (every day feels a year these days, though, to be fair). I have seen shockingly few articles or helpful testimonials advising how best to treat ourselves at home, and, trust me, I’ve been looking. So much of the information we’re focused on now is preventing transmission, but there is woefully little on what to do IF and WHEN we get sick.

Being waylaid during the time that so many folks have been still frantically trying to avoid getting sick has offered me a strange bubble of calm and insight. I’m grateful for that because the fear out there is palpable. I would like for this to be an offering to assuage at least some panic. That is my hope anyway.

The CDC and the WHO have labored and lengthy instructions on how to prevent transmission to someone else in the household or orders to quarantine. This creates a new problem for us as caregivers. A potentially critically ill person separated from everyone else drastically reduces a caregiver’s ability to monitor, replenish fluids, and generally take care of the person who is sick. On top of that, these two trusted sources offer only the most basic (honestly, negligible) recommendations for treating symptoms: sleep, keep hydrated, and take Tylenol (or the generic acetaminophen). This kind of bare bones advice is, well, skeletal. We all want to know how best to take care of ourselves and each other so that we can avoid having to go to the hospital. We want to be able to recuperate at home because we want to prevent putting a strain on the system and, face it, the idea of going to the hospital in this scenario is downright daunting. The better we know how to nurse ourselves back to health, the better our odds are healing well in our own beds.

So, I wanted to share what I’ve learned.

Caveat emptors/disclaimers because I’m making this public and shareable: This is based on my own personal, lived experience. I am not a doctor, so this does not replace or supplant solid medical advice from a professional you trust. I have had relatively mild symptoms but still a longish case. I am one of the freakish 5% who has had never-ending nasal congestion that went into my upper respiratory tract, but I somehow avoided the dreaded cough. YMMV (your mileage may vary). I have no underlying health concerns, I’m 52, a non-smoker, and fortunate. I have a comfortable apartment to myself, and I was able to spend $500 to stock up on essentials before the lockdown and before I got sick. (For the love of all that is holy, I swear I did not stockpile anything, especially TP. Stocking up is simply incredibly expensive. I dwindled my account down to almost my last dollar, since I’m adjunct faculty at two local universities and don’t make a whole lot.) Still, that is more than so many of us are able to do, and I am grateful for all that I have. What follows goes a bit beyond common sense, because this virus is unlike anything I’ve experienced before, even though to be clear, this is certainly a far cry from the sickest I’ve ever been. I hope it can be a boon to friends and strangers alike.

Here are the things I did that helped:

WHILE YOU ARE WELL

1) Start taking your temperature in the morning and at night so that you have a baseline.

One of the first signs of the virus can be a low-grade fever, though this virus does present in different ways. Full disclosure: I was one of those people who had to go to 3 different drugstores on Wed Mar 11 looking for a thermometer amid decimated shelves.

2) Before you get sick, change your diet.

Stop eating and drinking things that will make it harder to fight off the virus. Mellow out on the processed foods, dairy, and sugar (alcohol and gluten are in this category too, sorry).

Increase your intake of immune-boosting foods like green vegetables, fish and other omega-threes, garlic, ginger, and citrus. You don’t have to give in to the whole elderberry craze (though it does taste pretty good). Replace coffee with chaga, a fungal immune booster that you can brew into a strong, soothing tea, for a few weeks.

If you think these dietary recommendations are extreme, consider that you are in a temporary but dire situation where everything else around us is collapsing. Change your eating habits this month, even if it’s just a little for a little while.

3) SLEEP at least 8 hours a night. (I know, I wake up at 4am in a blind panic too. But, still, try.)

4) Make a pot of soup NOW while you are healthy or at the first sign of any symptoms.

This is especially important if you are sheltering in place alone. When/if you get sick, trust me, you won’t have energy to cook. You will barely want to eat anything anyway. But you will force yourself to have two bowls of it every day, and it will help. The pot should be big enough so that you can eat from it for a week. Make your favorite broth-based recipe: chicken, vegetable, or bone. Bone is most healing, obviously. Avoid dairy and noodles because these ingredients increase congestion and inflammation. Freeze it if you don’t have any symptoms at this point, so you will be able to thaw it when you start to feel oogy.

WHEN YOU GET SICK

1) At the first sign of fatigue, a tickle in your throat, aches, or a fever, go to bed and stay there. SLEEP. Don’t try to keep working. Your body needs to heal, and it can do that most effectively when you are sleeping.

Early symptoms reportedly vary. Some have aches and fever, scratchy throat, and chest tightness with a dry cough. Headaches, sneezing + nasal congestion, shortness of breath, nausea, and diarrhea have all been reported. I woke up on Mar 14 with a headache, body aches, congestion, and a fever of 101. My fever spiked to 102.5 on Day 2, and I’ve had a fever of 100+ every day since along with body aches, nasal congestion (my nose opened up like an actual running faucet on day 5), chest tightness and upper respiratory congestion, exhaustion, lack of appetite, and some lower GI distress (though not full-on diarrhea, everything just felt labored and different and, sincere apologies for the vivid image I’m about to put in your head, my poop seemed to be covered in a gauzy cloud). The two aberrations from most commonly reported symptoms: I have only had a negligible cough, and I never had a sore throat. My baseline temp leading up to getting sick was 99, but I am usually a straight-up 98.6 kind of person.

I had a dinner party the Monday before I got sick, and a friend who helped me in the kitchen came down with the same thing at the same time. My friend has asthma and has had a much harder time of things. But we are both on the road to recovery, in large part because we have been sharing what we’ve learned, checking in with each other, and doing some intense jobs taking care of ourselves while in isolation. (No one else from the dinner party has gotten sick to date.)

2) DRINK WATER, every 15 minutes when you are awake. Every time you wake up or roll over, drink. It should be room temperature, not cold. Cold liquids exacerbate the illness.

3) Drink WARM liquids like herbal tea and broth. Hot liquids keep everything in your system moving. Make soothing, healing, and warming remedies out of whatever inexpensive supplies you already have available.

4) In the giant void of an antiviral treatment that works on COVID-19, I have turned/returned to plant medicine, and it has helped me a lot.

My cousin, who is taking a Chinese medicine course in Singapore right now, sent me directions on how to make a ginger and licorice root decoction that was used throughout China during the Hubei lockdown. It’s easy to make. You bake the licorice in molasses, and then you boil the licorice root and the ginger for an hour. The ginger licorice decoction has really helped my friend who also got sick at the same time I did.

Making tea from Chaga – an Alaskan mushroom – has been so incredibly helpful. I’ve made a large pot of it every day, reserving the chaga and re-steeping over and over again for the past two weeks. Was it the chaga or the fact that I was drinking a gallon of warm soothing liquid daily, ladling out a mugful every couple of hours, that helped me get better? I’ll go with a little of both.

Other natural antiviral immune boosters that might help include vitamin C, C60, and olive leaf extract, oregano oil, and Manuka honey. Since stores are closed and Amazon has stopped shipping, we have to make do with what we already have. Make a tea with citrus peels and cloves and sliced ginger, if that’s is in your fridge.

5) The word on the street is to manage fever with Tylenol or acetaminophen or paracetamol, which are supposed to be more suited to treating respiratory illness than other alternatives. Frankly, I have been taking acetaminophen as sparingly as possible to avoid putting strain on my other organs. Cool compresses work too.

Some people are saying NOT to take Advil and its generic ibuprofen, as they have anecdotally said to propel otherwise healthy people to hospitals for oxygen. There is a lot of noise and confusion in this debate, and I’m going to sidestep this thorny conversation for our purposes.

6) Zinc lozenges and elderberry syrup help with a scratchy throat and cough. A friend of mine prone to bronchitis recommended Myrtol, a German cough syrup made from natural ingredients, including elderberry. If you have a pharma protocol in place for managing a persistent, chronic cough, you are probably already on it.

7) The fatigue is real. It also becomes really hard to think clearly. That’s why it’s so important to have soup and tea and other supportive supplies ready ahead of time.8) When you think you are getting better the first three or four times, STAY IN BED.

The arc of this virus is really rollercoaster-y: up and down and up and down. After the initial alarm passes, (and it is alarming at first because you don’t know which way it’s going to go and that seizing up can make everything feel worse), I was able to focus on getting better, calmly. I made it through the first scary fever spikes, but right when I thought I was feeling better, I would get knocked down again. There were critical junctures around days 3, 5, and 7 where I was certain I’d turned a corner, and, well, yesterday.

I’d get up and do dishes, take out the trash, take my dog for a walk around the neighborhood (face covered), and try to get some work done (end of quarter grades were due at both my schools and my departments have been preparing like mad to take our classes online in the spring). Then I would feel hot and light-headed again, taking my temp only to see it had sprung back up to 101.5. You will feel better and want to get back up and do things only to get knocked right back down. The moment I ease up on drinking water and tea constantly, I start to feel horrible again.

Remember: YOU ARE ESSENTIALLY PREVENTING YOURSELF FROM DEVELOPING FULL-BLOWN VIRAL PNEUMONIA. I would say the new mantra needs to be SLEEP + DRINK WATER. Start now, to the extent that you can. Please resist the urge to get up and do things. Rest. Do your Zoom meetings from bed with a virtual office background, if you absolutely have to be on a call. But, truly, you shouldn’t because this is the time to sleep sleep sleep and binge watch The Good Place (my choice for existential dystopian laughs/insert whatever makes your socks go up and down). For the past few days, my temp has been normal in the morning only to spring back up to 100+ if I try to do too much (e.g. read: ANYTHING). When I let myself sleep, my temp goes back down.

9) A humidifier has helped. Some recommend running a hot shower and sitting in your own makeshift bathroom sauna. Steam eucalyptus or rosemary, if you have any, and inhale deeply. I just made a homemade vaporub with a base of coconut oil and a few drops each of clove, thyme, rosemary, and peppermint oil. It is wonderful.

10) My breathing never got dangerously shallow. But this virus can potentially fill your upper and lower respiratory tracts with mucous until you feel like you are drowning. A physical therapist wrote with life-saving advice about the importance of Postural Draining, a method of draining mucous from the lungs using gravity and percussion. It involves physically moving your body so that you tilt your lungs and bronchial tubes upside down and then firmly clap the back or chest. This allows the mucous to flow up out of the lungs along with deep, prolonged exhales. Then you can cough it the rest of the way out. You can do postural draining alone or have someone perform it on you. Google postural draining diagrams – there are different for positions for each of the five lobes of your lungs. Do these exercises for 3-5 minutes a day before you get too sick. You can get into position in a chair or laying over a yoga ball, bean bag, or pillows for support.

Failing steps 1-10, if you have difficulty breathing or your temperature spikes beyond what you and your doctor are comfortable with (I’ve heard different numbers), please go to the ER immediately. Some of you will develop dramatic and dangerous symptoms quickly. Please do not wait to seek care if your lungs are struggling beyond what you can manage at home. My advice is geared to keeping as many of us comfortable for as long as it takes to heal, but that obviously is only going to go so far for those who suffer from chronic conditions, are older, or are immunosuppressed. If you have a finger oximeter, and are able to monitor your oxygen levels numerically, then you will know when you have to go to the hospital. But very few of us have those, and they are way sold out.

THE OTHER SIDE

Healing from even a mild case (and mine IS mild) takes about two weeks to a month.

As my dad would day, take it easy. It is unclear how immunity works with COVID-19. Some have said that there was a patient in Japan who tested positive a second time. There is speculation that this, in fact, was a relapse and not re-infection. We need more time to learn about the virus. In the meantime, please give yourselves time to heal.

We don’t know how long immunity lasts, and we don’t know about immunity to slightly different mutated strains even if we have recovered from one of them. I do hope that we get to develop a fair amount of herd immunity in the next year, but, again, there is a lot to learn. We will obviously still need to protect our vulnerable populations, and our society will continue to bend and contort itself around the virus.

But I hope to be in a position to assist when others get sick. I will happily help you to the best of my abilities. Looking to a future I can hardly conceive at the moment, I anticipate learning more about plant medicine. Scientists will develop new antivirals, retrovirals, and vaccines. I look forward to donating plasma as part of a treatment for those who get sick in the future, whenever that near-distant moment may be.

And thank you, friends. I am good. I have everything I need. My inner circle is incredible (I love you, mom!). I have been quarantined since developing symptoms and went out for a half hour only to get tested (thank you, Howard Brown for your invaluable service). No one else I spent time with beforehand has gotten sick (except my one friend whose illness coincided with mine, and they are also struggling a bit today with the ups and downs. Please hold them in your thoughts).

May you and your loved ones stay healthy. Or, more to the point, may we all get well and stay well. Sending love to all corners.– Rachel Herman

#QUARANZINE #Rachel Herman #Public Collectors #Marc Fischer #Zines #RISO #Publications #covid-19 #coronavirus

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darkpoisonouslove · 4 years

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2020 in Words

After the total exhaustion and lack of motivation of the last few months, I have finally found the strength to review 2020. In terms of writing, that is. Otherwise, we ain’t touching that with a 100-foot pole. But anyway, let’s get to the actual good part of 2020 - the writing.

Word Count:

678, 105 words

And that isn’t actually all. I have started various things that 2021 caught still in progress so there are more words to be added to that number but I’ll count them towards whatever time frame I finish them in (I do not even dare assume that all of them will be finished this year).

A little over 1/7th of that word count was accomplished only in March when I wrote over 100k words. Wow, productivity where did you go? I know that the world is going to hell but do you mind coming back? I can use you. I have so many new ideas that I am really excited about but totally lack the energy to actually get to. Hope that will change in the next weeks because there is A Lot going on in my head that I am actually dying to share.

Fandoms:

Winx Club has totally taken over for me. I have barely written five works this year that are not about that show and I just don’t know what is happening anymore. I have so many thoughts and things to discuss and fix about it and I have a feeling that some upcoming events will only reinforce that position. But what truly matters is that it has truly made 2020 more bearable to be in the fandom and write fic. The interactions with other fans have been lovely which is totally worth the brain damage that some experiences over this show have inflicted.

Once Upon a Time lurked until about the half of the year but I can’t say that I have been actively interested in it. I just rewatched 4A for the Frozen Swan interactions and 4B for Cruella De Vil and that was pretty much all of it this year. I think it’s safe to say that at this point I have more or less moved on from the show and I do not expect a miraculous comeback to it. Which leaves my rewatch dangling over the chasm of uncertainty but I have projects I am far more interested in rn to be thinking about that.

I actually joined the Lucifer fandom this year, though I cannot say that I am active in it at all. It was nice to challenge myself with the small contribution I made to the fanworks in the fandom so I am putting it here because I am not done with watching the show even though I don’t think I have a good enough grasp on any of the characters in order to actually write them.

Ships:

Well, 2020 definitely delivered on that front. I have found myself piles of new ships to ship the hell out. Some I am more grateful about, others leave me slightly bitter over not knowing what to do with them but it certainly hasn’t been boring. Because this is my wrap-up and contemplation, I get to list them and maybe say a couple of words about some of them.

Griffin x Valtor - Not new but it was definitely the biggest part of that year.

Griffin x Valtor x Faragonda - New in the sense of me having written a fic about this now... and having several more ideas on my drives so... beware, future!

Griffin x Faragonda - Also not new but when the feelings catch up with me, they really mean it. Two major bursts of inspiration about them have left me with interesting results and I am looking forward to finding out where this goes.

Marion x Oritel - That was new. It was the first new ship of the year. I have more ideas about them but the muse has not visited lately. I am not giving up, though. Sometimes you gotta sail the ship even when there’s no wind.

Flora x Icy - That was definitely a surprise. I don’t know what happened but I do know that a goddamn look at Pinterest has brought on an entire epic about them (and the other Trix and Winx) so... thanks for that, Pinterest. I wish you could pin free time on Pinterest and go consume it later so that I would actually have the time to work on all of this.

Layla x Stella - Oh, yeah, baby! I have feelings and I really want to do at least an outline of what would be too long to actually write as a fic, especially since I have A Lot on my plate rn.

Griffin x Griselda - Well, that... happened. I have no idea where any of this is going, only that it is a major part of Griffin’s arc in my most major series so... I guess it’s headed somewhere. Just have to stay along for the ride.

Zarathustra x Griselda - So totally trashcankitty12′s fault... But I guess I am the one responsible for actually including it in already ongoing stories.

Ediltrude x DuFour - Okay, that one I totally roped myself into. Do I regret it? ... Maybe a little because it may need to remain just background thanks to everything else that I have going on.

Griffin x Marion - Almost forgot that which is a damn shame because it is one of my absolute most favorite ships.

Griffin x Valtor x Marion - Not gonna lie, this has been sneaking into some stray ideas too repetitively to be an accident. Will it ever exist outside of my head, though?

Samara x Erendor - I just wanted to make them more likable to me because they were my least favorite characters on the show. Worked too well and now I am in fic hell.

Bloom x Sky - I got ONE idea, okay? Too bad that I love it too much for my own good, especially considering that it is sort of a rewrite of the series. Like I didn’t have enough of those already.

There are more, actually, but we will be here all day if I have to list every stray idea that I have entertained so let’s just move on.

Stories:

Winx Club - 80 (4 unfinished and 3 that I have been dragging with me since 2019 for a total of 7/111 incomplete.)

OUAT - 3 (all finished but I have two collections that are still open from 2019 and 2018 respectively)

Lucifer - 1 (it was a one-shot but I am glad that I managed to write it at all)

Original works - 1 (poem that I came up with at 4am)

That makes a total of 85 written works this year which is honestly astounding! My brain has been harping on me about not being productive since June but I have actually gotten quite a lot of work done! (Fun fact - my total for 2019 was 58 stories, and for 2020 it is 85 XD. We’re gonna need some new numbers in 2021.)

First fic of the year - Gold and Purple (Griffin x Valtor AU inspired by a Bulgarian folk tale)

Last fic of the year - New Warmth to Weave in Your Garden of Shine (Samara x Erendor + New Year traditions and worldbuilding on Eraklyon)

Favorite writing moment - that has got to be coming up with a wild idea for my season rewrite that I will not be spoiling now. It was also inspired by Bulgarian folklore and I am so excited to reveal it (because it is so fucking grand) but we will all have to be patient.\

Wildest writing experience - definitely the entirety of chapter 4 from A Home You Never Knew How to Have. Man, that was... a goddamn ride. In every sense of the word. I still haven’t reread that bitch after posting it even though I have opened it probably a hundred times.

I launched several series this year that will need a lot of work to be brought to completion. Naturally, my focus is not on finishing those but on starting new things. Because of course it is. So here’s a heads-up for another post that will be coming shortly with announcements of my ideas. I would like to call it a plan for 2021 but I fear that will be too presumptuous of me so I will say that it is my hope that those are things that are to be released this year but I will only lapel them as projects that I am looking forward to rather than “upcoming”.

Other Works:

This year actually bore a couple other forms of art so I am going to list my creations in other mediums below because they deserve the attention.

Aesthetics:

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Marion

Ediltrude & Zarathustra

Siren AU:

Griffin

Ediltrude

Zarathustra

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Magic-Swapped Transformations:

Griffin Winx

Ediltrude Winx

Zarathustra Winx

Griffin Chamrix

Ediltrude Chamrix

Zarathustra Chamrix

Griffin Enchantix

Ediltrude Enchantix

Zarathustra Enchantix

Videos:

Griffin/Valtor - The Devil I Know

Winx - Trouble

Marion x Oritel/Griffin x Valtor/Faragonda x Hagen - Savage

Bloom/Mitzi - Wicked

Samara - You Should See Me in a Crown

Bloom/Sky - Kerosene

Winx Rewatch:

I actually rewatched all 8 seasons of the show + the 3 movies and I have written out my thoughts on all of them. You can find them here:

Winx Club Season 1 4kids (Stream of Consciousness) (I am actually considering redoing this one because it wasn’t in-depth like the others are)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Magical Adventure (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Mystery of the Abyss (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 1: Destiny of Bloom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 2: Revenge of the Trix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 3: The Battle for Magix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 4: The Shadow Phoenix (Stream of Consciousness)

I will not be writing any takeaways because I already talked about some of those in an ask and my brain is too fired at the moment to pull off some actual analysis and compose a proper conclusion. To be perfectly honest, I prefer not to think too much on 2020. It brought a lot of good things along with the bad but I still prefer not to look back on it if it isn’t necessary. I think it received enough of my energy already.

#my writing #my fanfiction #my fanfic #about me #personal #2020 #in retrospect #2020 in words #winx club #winx club rewatch #winx rewatch #links #long post #aesthetics #videos #visuals #reviews #thoughts

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hag-lad · 4 years

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Digging Deeper

Thank you to my radiant wonderful friend @alienfuckeronmain for sending me EXACTLY the type of self indulgent wind-down activity I wanted on this otherwise depressing weekend! If anyone else wants to answer FORTY-NINE QUESTIONS about themselves, I’m super nosy and will read it all! @fight-the-seether @ptolemyofchaos @butchwizard @metalbutch @nyndelion @comrade-ziltoid @leatherdear @kristalknobb Enjoy, friends!

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? I prefer black, but I always feel like I write neater in blue??

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? The city, but only if it has breathable air, green infrastructure, and decent public transit. So like... definitely no city in America lmao

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? The ability to quickly become fluent in another language! I’ve been struggling with Spanish for literal YEARS and it’s honestly pathetic. My brain is so stuck on English.

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? Look pal. If I wanna drink sugar, I’m gonna have a soda, not herb water or bean juice.

5. What was your favorite book as a child? I was OBSESSED with The Wish List, by Eoin Colfer (of Artemis Fowl fame). I remember being so fascinated by how dark it was?? It’s an afterlife adventure, where the main character has to escape purgatory by atoning for her crimes of robbery and fraud and whatever. I had a crush on her, so basically this book made me want to pursue a life of crime, even though it explicitly condemns crime and depicts Hell as a very real and horrible place. I was in like fourth grade and was super morbidly curious about Hell and the possibility of going there! Lol

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? Baths... but only when I’m not actually dirty going in. A bath is leisure, not hygiene.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? 100% fae! I would build my dwelling within a sidhe mound, steal shiny things in the middle of the night, make bastardly little contracts for no reason, and cause harmless mayhem and mischief because mortals really are fools (go off, robin goodfellow!) Also I love mushroom circles and dancing in the moonlight.

8. Paper or electronic books? Paper all the way! I read much more content electronically, but it’s usually in the short story or article format. Books are much better in print, I think.

9. What is your favorite item of clothing? Probably my rust-brown overalls.

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I’ve always hated my name but no alternative has ever stuck, unfortunately. My name is Amy, and I don’t think it fits at all. If I knew I’d never have to correct anyone on it, I’d probably just change it to Amelia?

11. Who is a mentor to you? My little brother! He’s this genius musician, and he has taught me so much about song structure, polyrhythms, guitar technique, production tricks, all kinds of trivia that really deepen my appreciation for music and the LABOR that goes into it.

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? No, never, not for anything. I cherish my anonimity so much, I don’t even put searchable tags on this blog cuz I get an adrenaline spike from anxiety if too many people interact with me. I also just think fame is a fucking hideous construct. I don’t think it’s even slightly cool or desirable.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? No, I’m a fucking log. I can easily sleep for 12 hours straight. Thanks, depression!

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? No, actually. I’m very much in love, and it brings me lots of joy to do nice things with and for my partner! But romance feels very difficult for me to connect with. I’m super domestic, like, I love the idea of marriage but not necessarily a wedding, or a moonstruck romance or whatever. Those dramatic gestures feel very awkward for me.

15. Which element best represents you? EARTH. Specifically, like... dirt, or soil.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? I want to be geographically closer to my family. We’re thick as thieves, but we all live like 50 miles apart from each other. I miss my brothers and my parents so much, I feel so incomplete and depressed without them to hang out with, especially since quarantine.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? See above! Lol

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. When my little brother was a baby, he had this grey car seat with a folding mechanism which held his legs in place. It made a very satisfying clicking sound when the mechanism moved, AND when it was fully unfolded, it looked a lot like a Klingon battle cruiser. (Or so my five year old brain thought.) So! My older brother and I would take this seat out of the car CONSTANTLY so that we could unfold it and “sing” the Klingon theme music from Star Trek: The Motion Picture while we scooched our car seat battle cruiser across the living room floor, pretending to shoot phasers into the TV or the dining table or whatever else got in our way.

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? Gifilte fish, maybe?

20. What are you most thankful for? My family, including my wonderful partner and all the cats in our lives!

21. Do you like spicy food? Yes! But my tolerance for extreme spice decreases every year, unfortunately. So I can’t handle as much heat as I used to, but I do enjoy a good kick.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Lmaooo I made the regretful decision to PAY FOR a meet&greet with Fall Out Boy in like 2006, which was so fucking awkward and painful, I vowed to never approach that level of lame again.

23. Do you keep a diary or a journal? TONS! I’m an obsessive record keeper. Some years I journal more than others, and I’ve found that it is super difficult to keep up with it while working full time. But it’s absolutely one of my favorite hobbies.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or pencil? Pen for writing. Pencil for drawing, and math.

25. What is your star sign? Virgo sun, Aquarius moon, Scorpio rising 🙃

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy! A shallow bath in that milk is key.

27. What would you want your legacy to be? My artwork. I go through these aesthetic phases every year that I become super obsessed with/ focused on, and I’ve always meant to catalogue them in annual art journals, but I’ve NEVER FINISHED ONE! They always get pushed aside by the need to work, and I hate that so much. If I could just take a year off work and backfill all of my missed concepts into completed books, I would be so happy. But I literally have NO WAY to pay for that, absolutely none. I fucking hate capitalism.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I love to read, but finishing a whole book has been A STRUGGLE lately! Right now I’m chipping away at Tending Brigid’s Flame, which is a quaint lil devotional for the Celtic fire goddess. Very new agey, like cheesy Wiccan vibes. I love that shit!

29. How do you show someone you love them? Quality time!

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? Only if I have a straw. Ice touching my teeth kinda makes me wince.

31. What are you afraid of? Incompetance, doing a bad job, letting someone down, taking up too much space, being a nussiance, etc

32. What is your favourite scent? Incense! Especially cinnamon, dragon’s blood, and amber.

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? I always call people, regardless of age, by the name they ask me to use. Sometimes it’s a surname or title, usually it’s a first name. I’ll ask their preference if I’m unsure. But I definitely don’t default toward a surname, that’s weird.

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? COMPLETELY DIFFERENTLY!!!!!! The need for money rules literally every single hour of my entire life, and I hate it so much. I’m naturally nocturnal, but my job requires me to get up super early and sit in a car for 11 hours a day. I wake up at 5am, come home front work at 5pm, spend an hour or two trying to unwind, then go to bed and do it all over again. I hate my life! Really! I never see the stars, I never exercise, I am completely exhausted and burnt out all the time, and I barely get any quality time with my partner. If money were no object, I would sleep til noon or 1, make art and hike all day, ride my bike and stargaze all night, stay up til 4am reading and playing with my cats, and sleep like a baby. My partner and I would cook dinner for each other and watch Star Trek and collaborate on art projects and I would be so happy.

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? Here’s my hierarchy: Private pool > ocean > public pool

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? I’d look around to see if anyone obviously dropped it and try to give it back. If I couldn’t find anyone, I’d exchange it for dollars and deposit that shit into my account!

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Of course!! Hundreds!

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? America is evil and needs to be destroyed.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Lmao this is so cute. If you HAD TO HAVE a tattoo! I really wanna finish my damn sleeves, they’re literally 9 years in the making and barely half finished. But I’d also love more art on my legs! I DESPERATELY want Ziltoid in a lacy valentine heart on my thigh.

40. What can you hear now? Our fish tank water bubbling and my fan on full blast.

41. Where do you feel the safest? Home alone, doors locked, windows covered, lights low. I absolutely LOVE to not be seen or perceived in any way.

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? My fear of discomfort

43. If you could time travel to another era, which one would you choose? I feel like I’d want to be a teen in the 80’s and an adult in the 90’s. Does time travel work that way?

44. What is your most used emoji? 😭 or 😎

45. Describe yourself using one word. Defeated

46. What do you regret the most? Convincing myself that math was too hard or boring (or something?) when I was in middle school. I feel like I’m actually a pretty intelligent person who could’ve totally overcome that difficulty and gone on to understand all kinds of patterns and concepts which have eluded me to this day! It’s so frustrating to try and fight that formative self-concept, which now comes naturally but ultimately sabotages me. 💀

47. Last movie you saw? I made my partner watch Troop Beverly Hills, one of my childhood faves. It’s so fun! I love chick flicks so much.

48. Last tv show you watched? Deep Space Nine. Getting through the first season has been harder than expected. It’s actually my favorite Star Trek show?? (Orrrr maybe that’s TNG, ahh! It’s so hard to choose!) But season one is so baffling and awful! Why is there so much space capitalism??! And racism? And war? And drinking alcoholic beverages? #notmystartrek

49. Invent a word and its meaning. I used to call a single strand of curly hair a “curly quink” when I was a child. Therefore, a “quink” is a section of hair, usually a particularly cute or iconic one.

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bohemian-socialite · 4 years

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Why I NEEDED the COVID-19 (Coronavirus) Quarantine... 8 Ways the Pandemic put Life into Perspective...

"If you don't come out of this with a new skill..." blah Blah..BLAH! Whatever. Look, Here's the thing. Some of us have been running ourselves into the deep end since birth. I exaggerate but NO!

..and DON'T COME FOR those of us who used this inconvenience to pause reset and re-align our lives. So before anyone asks what "new skill" you "learned" during the quarantine... Don't feel bad for saying these 8 things.. because i surely do not feel bad about.

1.Quality Time with my S/O-

My husband and I have been married for nearly 6 years.. and because we were in the middle of our life grind when we tied the knot, naturally, we did not go on a "honeymoon," and have yet to do so to this day. (Yes we've gone on trips but not an actual honeymoon.) We were more focused on my husband getting settled in his career, me finishing school, getting rid of debt and buying a home. Needless to say, the COVID-19 quarantine was an opportunity for us to really spend some quality time together, without the hustle and bustle of airports or family gatherings, etc. and this type of quality time was so much more intimate than a "vacation would be. Plus, might i add, that we are both very hard working people! So sometimes, a vacation for us would be just taking a day or two off and staying home to play a new video game for him, and for me to just to take care of things that you need to take care of.

2. An Opportunity to Relax, Rest, Be Lazy AF and to have my PEACE HUNTY!

I'm not exactly the nicest morning person, but I am an early riser, thus, a morning person. On most days, I'm up by 4AM, at the gym by 4:30AM and headed out the door by 6:40AM to take my butt to work. But ya'll... not having anywhere to go, or a damn thing to do, for once in my life, brings a sense of refreshment that no ice cold drink, on a desert summer day, could give you. CHIIIILE... let me tell you about how good I slept in! I don't even really do this on the weekends!! But man quarantine has a way of your body making a schedule for you. I followed my body's schedule for the entire time, and BABAY.. IT FELT GOOD! We're always running and pressed for time, or punching someone else's time clock and the beauty of sleeping until my brain woke me up was glorious!

3. Patience puts $#!t into perspective.

This is so simple... but it stuck with me and helped me see things from a different point of view. I posted about this on my IG and tumblr. (Check me out on social media! =====>) But I'll put it into context.... at one point, EVERYTHING and EVERYONE got on my everlasting nerve... OKAY?! I had to ask myself.. "Is this really annoying me, or am I that irritable?" 9 times out of 10 it was the latter of the two. So these 3 things helped me to calm TF down before I popped off!

Be Patient with Myself.

Be Patient With Others.

Be Patient with Time.

...and this kind of became my daily mantra. It helped open my mind, heart and ears to those around me and myself.

4. Re-Connecting- with old friends, family and making new friends .

I'm a very social person and in recent years, ironically, I've picked up on some introverted tendencies. Nevertheless, this is something that we were all able to do. I saw and spoke to family member and friends, that some of which, I hadn't seen or spoken to in nearly 10 years (Judge Yourself!). I'm kind of embarrassed about it BUT you know... LIFE HAPPENS bruh... You turn around and blink and its been a decade. Next think you know, your friends's kids are getting driver's licenses and tattoos. LIKE WTF?! Either way, I was happy to link back up and talk about some of the fun and stupid things we did, and even making plans to see each other again soon. It was nice to have something to look forward to and something that would add value to those relationships.

5. I was actually productive....

...with the $#!t I wanted to be productive with...Let's get that part straight! I'd always dreamed of a job where I could work from home, with my laptop, and video conference calls and whatnot. And when I got that wish... my productivity SKYROCKETED... for about 2 weeks. (I'd exhausted all of my work by then and was waiting for new things to do.) After the 2 weeks, I started working on home projects that I'd left unfinished or never even started. In the evenings, I would work on my personal projects, which I would never have the energy for after a long day of work.

No, it wasn't a new skill, but I figured out where I wanted to go with everything I was doing. I was able to redevelop, recreate, and repurpose my vision... Thus, "The Bohemian Socialite," Blog . :)

6. Self-Care became a "thing"... for me at least

Now don't get me wrong, I love a trip to the nail or hair salon. I'm a sucker for facials and masssages. BUT.. where was I gona go to do that... if everything in the free first world was closed?!

Oh... but there is a place.... YOUTUBE hunnty! I started watching other people's 67-step morning-care routines. Never in my life would i EVER do a 67 step routine. However, in watching these videos, I realized that my skin and face could use some extra care. And because I'm on this new sustainable beauty journey, I figured, WHY TF NOT?! And I did... And it was good. I'm sure my body will reward me when I'm older for this.

I applaud everyone who does anything of this nature consistently. Quaratine taught me to incorporate some sort of self care or you will surely lose yourself. Not gona lie, TBH for a few days the struggle was real But i bounced back even better baby. :)

Not only did i revamp y skin care routine, but I also revisited some of my favorite past-times and hobbies, like roller skating, painting, yoga and meditation. It felt good and I needed it. It made me feel beautiful and sexy again, just spending the time to take care of myself internally and externally.

7. Supporting Local Businesses and being an Advocate for other Small Business Owners

I'm not even going to go into extensive detail... but my community needed my support and I was able to do it proudly. Not just local businesses, but my friends' and families' businesses as well. And it was in easy, simple and mostly FREE ways.

8. Regained my appreciation for life, nature, silence, the things I have and creativity.

I needed the hard reset. In fact, I think we all needed a hard reset or re-calibration of our lives. The entire world was literally just grounded by mother nature herself. We were doing too much.. and she said we need to sit TF down and shut TF up. Some people embraced it for what it was. Others, did stupid $#!t. like...protest. <insert BIGGEST eye roll>

Either way, we were reflective of what nature and life was telling us.

The whole Quarantine, Covid-19, Coronavirus debauchery, was what I needed to recenter myself and re-evaluate my goals and plans for the future.

Have you looked into how the pandemic has changed your life?

I want to know if your experience was similar to mine, or if you want to add something, leave me a comment. :)

#covid 19 #covidquarantine #quarantine life #black girl blog #bohovibes #blogger #inspiration #motivation #self care #reconnect

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malltales · 3 years

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Queen of Nothing; A Story of Redemption

(This story is based on real events. The names have been changed to protect the innocent and ridiculous.)

By April of 2020 I broke up with my partner of 5 years, lost my best friend; 13 year old dog, Jasper. All within the context of the global pandemic.

Bike touring was something I've always wanted to do but scared to attempt alone. I managed to talk my old friend, Kevin and his girlfriend, Ava, into a 5 day bike tour from Pittsburgh to Washington, DC on the GAP and C&O trails.

It’s important to know that Kevin and I had been friends for almost a decade, and I had yet to meet Ava in person. Kevin and I had been roommates for several years, on and off. We also suffered a dramatic falling out that resulted in us not speaking for almost 3. I assumed since we reconnected, he had grown.

Day 1: Pittsburgh to Ohiopyle

The first day of the ride was the last day the three of us were together. Kevin and Ava were packed to the gills with panniers and rode fast at the start. I hung back, averaging 11 mph. Ava circled back several times to check in. We talked the whole way and made fast friends.

Kevin stayed far ahead until we reached our lunch stop. After which, he lost steam quickly. He'd only done one long ride to prepare and never ridden with fully loaded panniers. Which is like saying you trained for a 5k and then decided the day of the race to strap a 40 lb bag to your body.

I tried to hang back and ride alongside Kevin for a bit. I offered a draft he could pull from because I was still feeling strong. “Just go ahead.” He said. “I just need to be at my own pace."

Here's the thing, everyone hits a point in a long bike ride where they start to ache and fatigue, especially if you aren’t used to riding for a long time. I was fully expecting some super cranky moments from all of us, including myself, but I was not prepared for it to happen this early.

Ava and I stopped a few times for snacks and to shake the ache out of our hands and butts. We took a detour to spelunk our way through a crumbling, abandoned warehouse, filled with graffiti and paraphernalia of angsty teens’ hideaway. Kevin passed and said nothing. Twice, we found him lying flat on his back in a field, smoking a cigarette, complaining that something hurt and he needed a break. Every time we found him, we stopped, asked if he needed anything, asked if he wanted us to wait and every time he said no. So, we soldiered on. Although Ava and I worried about Kevin, we heeded his words and assumed he just needed to power through and be left alone. AVa and I kept each other motivated and the mood light. We sailed through burnt umber rock formations. Gentle streams coursed through them like veins.

87 miles into our longest day, we reached the town of Ohiopyle. The last glimmer of sunset was fading quickly. Ava and I arrived first. We had a daunting 3 mile, 3,000 ft climb yet to go. Kevin arrived shortly after, hopped off his bike and ran into an ice cream shop. He walked across the street and began whispering to Ava, while I glared at the map. I could tell by the body language he was not happy. Ava started to cry. I called out: "Listen, we are all tired and starving. Whatever it is you guys are debating should wait till we climb this."

Kevin scoffed and walked away. I waited a few minutes and asked Ava how I could help. She was crying and explained he was upset that we "left him behind." He said she "abandoned him.”

I was instantly furious. This rhetoric was painfully familiar. Flashbacks of past arguments flashed through my brain. I did not take deep breaths, I did not pause; I marched over to Kevin. (If you have never seen an adult angrily eat an ice cream cone, I would highly recommend it.) Standing by a river, licking his moose tracks he yelled at me. He tells me that I also abandoned him and left him out of the group that he was "working so hard at keeping together." I laughed, I couldn't help it. I figured if I laughed, Kevin would realize how utterly absurd this was. All I could think of was a hot shower, food and bed. He got angrier. I understood that nothing in this moment would get through to him, so I threw my hands in the air and said "The reality is, you got smoked by two chicks because you didn't train. I'm sorry your ego is bruised. I'm going ahead."

I walked back to Ava, apologized for making things worse and asked her if she preferred to bike with me to the house or stay with Kevin. She opted for the latter and I forged ahead.

It was 8:30pm. The way ahead was pitch black, up an incredibly steep switchback. It was a two lane, country road with no shoulder. I tried my best to stay on the bike, but after half a mile, I gave up. I started walking. My legs could barely take the climb on foot, my calves were cramping, my thighs were shaking. Every time a car whooshed by; I froze against the guard rail. I only had two small lights and was unsure if I could be seen at all. I begged the universe to send someone to offer me a ride. I pleaded with the coyotes howling in the distance not to come nearer. I shrunk at the Trump signs on the rolling, rural properties. After an hour and a half of walking, one foot in front of the other, with a small blinking light on my back. I finally made it to the Aribnb. I immediately hopped in the shower, ready to be greeted with luxurious, warm water. NOPE. Ice cold. I got clean quickly, started the food and cursed the fact that I let Ava carry the whiskey. Kevin and Ava arrived shortly after and we all went to bed without saying much at all.

Day Two: Ohiopyle to Frostburg

The next morning, I woke up energized. The house was quiet and no one was awake. I had time to slip out. A wave of relief ran through me. I began packing my bike, made coffee and realized there was only one bike: Ava’s.

All Kevin’s stuff was gone and so was he. I contemplated my choices: sneak into Ava’s bag, find my extras in her panniers and tip toe out before she woke up OR wait for her. I didn’t know Ava well, but I didn’t feel right leaving my new friend in the mountains alone.

Ava woke up and described the fighting and frustration that ended with Kevin packing his stuff and heading out on his own at 4am. I was well-acquainted with this kind of performance and lacked the fortitude to deal with it. Ava asked if we could ride together. I agreed, with a condition: we would not spend time discussing Kevin.

By the time we stopped for lunch, Kevin had sent scores of texts. Ava read them to me. I lifted the embargo for lunch because I knew she was feeling anxious. The tone of Kevin’s texts were hostile and accusatory. Ava listed things she could have done differently. I assured her she did nothing wrong. We cried. I shared my experiences from the past few years, which were mirroring hers. After leaving this kind of maltreatment in my past, I would not tolerate it from anyone else.

The 67 mile ride we completed that day was difficult and long. We were slow and sore. The gradual and consistent uphill of the pavement pummeled our strength. In the end, I’m glad Ava and I rode together, even though we started late. She helped me keep a much better pace than I would have on my own. Our pleasant conversation ended abruptly when we arrived in Frostburg. Kevin was texting; demanding to know where we were. He had been there for hours and wanted to check in. The hotel reservation was a tiny room with side by side beds. Ava told me she didn’t have the money to book another room. There was no way I was about to share a room with this dude who left his girlfriend with a literal stranger in the middle of nowhere. So, I bought them their own room. I threw the keys at Kevin on my way out and biked an extra two miles, uphill, to get Epsom salts. It was 9 pm when I finally unloaded everything in my room. I was elated when I got in the shower and felt hot water. I was so tired I could barely think, but I was so happy with my decision. $200 for peace was a small price. I reviewed the day in my head and was proud. When you’re demanding so much of your body, you must ask yourself every step of the way: what do I need right now? Most of the time the answer is simple: food, a break from the saddle, water, a quick stretch. But sometimes it’s hard to parse out which of those comes first. I congratulated myself for surviving the emotional cyclone going on around me. I was asking myself what boundaries I needed to finish this trek and make the most of it. I went to bed that night, again, with the intention of leaving in the morning on my own.

Day 3: Frostburg to Hancock

The following morning, I woke up to a text from Ava that read: “he broke up with me.”

On a bench, in the cold, we drank coffee and between sobs, she filled me in. He left early in the morning without a word. With 71 miles in front of us, I was nervous. Ava was exhausted. She could barely string a sentence together. I offered to pay for another night at the hotel for her to rest until she figured something out. She said: “I feel like I have to get to Hancock tonight to work things out. If I don’t, that will be the end of us.”

I was heartbroken, but I knew this feeling too well. When the misery you know seems better than the unknown. I saw myself reflected in Ava’s tear streaked face. I sat exactly where she was 3 years ago. I knew the terror. I wanted to tell her everything I knew from the other side, but I knew she couldn’t hear it. So, I nodded my head and said we needed to get on the road.

We left behind the mostly paved GAP trail and continued on the dirt C&O. It was gorgeous. Ava helped me let out air from my tires for the new terrain and gave me pointers for dirt riding. I was grateful for her presence, but I knew her head was spinning. It was not as grueling as the previous day, but we were both dragging. We made a lot of stops to rest. 50 miles in we realized we missed the town we had planned to stop for lunch. We were running out of fuel to pedal. We ended up at a trailer-turned biker-bar, covered in Trump flags. It was our only option. Biker dudes on the porch were laughing and pointing. Calling us “monkey masks.” Inside was a totally different story. Everyone was friendly. We ate and drank and left remarkably unscathed. We only endured a few rape jokes from drunk townies on our way out.

The last 20 miles were brutal. I was struggling to stay in the seat. It was dark and my light ran out of battery. We put our phone flashlights on and stuffed them into our bras to light the way. Deer skittered across the path a few feet in front of us and we leapt every time. Ava told me Kevin got them their own room and I sighed with relief. She asked how we would approach the following day. I told her she didn’t need to worry. They would go their way and I would go mine.

Inside my comfy, roadside motel room I was faced with yet another challenge. The three of us were supposed to end our ride in DC and train to Baltimore where I would stay with Kevin and Ava for two days. This, obviously, was not going to happen. I quickly had to figure out where I was going to stay, with barely any internet, no motivation and about an hour before I succumbed to sleep. I text Darren, a mutual friend, who lived in DC. I explained I needed a place to crash, even if it was just one night. He agreed and I fell asleep in ten minutes. I had one more hurdle to deal with: find a shop to ship my bike from DC to Chicago. Darren came to my aid again and offered to take my bike apart and ship it from his place.

Day 4: Hancock to Harper’s Ferry

Being on my own felt like pure freedom. I was on pavement for the first 10 miles. It was bliss.

I set off slowly and adopted a new mantra: hustle hard when you can, rest when you can. My legs were tired but knees weren't aching as much and my hands were going numb less.

In Williamsport I found stairs leading down to a long, concrete dam that extended far out into the Potomac. The sides were slanted toward the water. It was the perfect height to dangle sore feet in the cold water. I sat, legs outstretched at the top of the dam. As far as I could see from left to right was water. The Potamac seemed never-ending. This was an expansive feeling to digest with my newly thawed breakfast burrito. I felt sluggish and heavy after my peaceful lunch views. The day before, Ava kept me at a steady pace and I missed her company.

Then came a long stretch of trail that rode along the very edge of the water. I ambled slowly upward then back down. I felt lighter and my ride smoothed up. The trail trickled back into the woods. I clipped my way along loping curves. The Potamac peeked from behind trees just beginning their transformation toward fall colors. I had to talk myself out of stopping every mile for a picture.

Toward the end of this 6 hour day I was rewarded with longer glimpses of the Potomac through the trees. Vignettes of the river were dotted with burning red leaves and outlined in ochre shadows. The large juts of slate erupted from the middle of the rapid, splitting the river. The river deepened and I knew I was close to Harpers Ferry.

I approached a 5 story, winding staircase, directly in front of the sunset, hoisted my bike onto my shoulder and climbed. Huffing and puffing, I nearly doubled over at the top, but the view snapped me out of it. The Shenandoah and Potomac rivers were merging beneath my feet. Civil War ruins dangled on two slate islands to my left. I felt like I was standing in the middle of the world, alone with this gorgeous vista. And I arrived powered by my own two legs.

Pulling off the bridge I pedaled through the cobblestone streets. I was pleasantly surprised that the inn I was staying at was not far and not up a hill. I decided to forgo a shower, change my clothes and head straight over to a restaurant. After a glass of wine and a plate of pierogies, I watched the sun set over the town with the Potomac and Shenandoah rivers roaring beneath it. I felt so thankful; I arrived in time for dinner and a sunset.

Day 5: Harper’s Ferry to Washington, DC; The Final Leg

Alright so here’s where everything gets wrapped up with a neat, little bow, right? Almost.

It was the last day. Only 63 miles; the shortest ride yet. I wanted to savor it. This was the only part that felt like a vacation. I used the heavy fog covering the town as an excuse to walk around and explore.

Harper’s Ferry is the most charming town. Thomas Jefferson described the scene as "worth a voyage across the Atlantic" in his Notes on the State of Virginia. It’s also the mid-point of the Appalachian trail, which I stumbled onto while climbing the steps of a church. I was stunned, breathing in the moment. I thought of everyone who trekked this way before me, when our country was so young.

At about 9am, the fog was rolling out and so was I. I was on top of the world. Nothing hurt, I was cruising at a good speed. I had all the time in the world to get to DC. Darren was going to meet me on the trail at 6pm and ride with me to his place. I was hoping to be done at 4 and happily awaiting his arrival with a beer in my hand. A 10 degree drop in temperature and rain didn’t dampen my mood. I felt free as fuck.

After an hour of solid rain, the sun shone through and warmed everything up. I sloughed off my raincoat and started my Spotify. I was laughing at my luck and singing along with First Aid Kit’s “King of The World.”

And then….POP. Pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffft.

I skidded to a stop. A giant nail was right through the middle of my tire. Deep breaths. Ok. I can do this.

I sat down on the ruin of a guesthouse by the side of the trail and started working. If you’ve ever changed a brand-new bike tire you will understand what I was up against. It’s not ideal when the rubber is new and unworkable. A white-haired man in a yellow safety vest wandered over to inspect my predicament. He introduced himself as Don. Don was my grandfather’s name. When Trail Don shared that he was also a retired veteran, I thought for sure my grandfather sent him. Don “helped” me get the tube in with a screwdriver and promptly popped it. I only had one tube left. There wasn’t a bike shop for 40 miles.

“I live about 20 minutes down the road and I got all the tools in my garage. I’ll take ya back there and get ya fixed up and back on your way.”

On the road to Don’s house, in the middle of Trump country, my thoughts were racing. When we pulled up, a welcome sight greeted us: a giant rainbow flag and a lawn littered with human rights signs. Ok, I thought, I think I’m in the right place. Relief swept over me. We changed the tire and I met his kind wife, who offered me a sandwich. We loaded up and drove back to the trail. I thanked him profusely and began my last 30 miles.

The day was replaying in my mind and I felt my heart overflowing. This was indeed the culmination of my independence. Even if I did need a little help from friends and a few strangers. I was relishing the solitude, but it was a huge comfort to know there was a friend on the other side of this journey with whom I could share my triumph.

The sun sank slowly in the orange sky over Rock Creek Park. The frogs started chirping as the stars steadily emerged. The clouds unleashed a downpour. I saw a bright headlamp and familiar face coming toward me.

I made it.

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chemochronicles · 7 years

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I am not alone. You are not alone. 9.18.17.

Ever since I was a little girl I've pictured a life for myself... One that resembled the life I was given. (Unfortunately for me, I was the spoiled youngest child of an upper middle class family, haha - talk about a reality check as a millennial living in expensive southern california!) That picture has changed as I have grown as a person, but it never strayed too far from the lives of everyone I've been surrounded by throughout life so far... I pictured my 25 year old self to be married (check!), travel often, with children that look like tiny adorable versions of us, a modern farmhouse, pretty flowing beach hair, a successful photography business, a lifestyle blog and the physical ability to care for the aforementioned list... I pictured myself having the strength and energy to lift my babies into my arms, to sew the cutest linen clothes for them, to teach them how to grow their own food on our homestead, and to build healthy and meaningful lives with their tiny growing hands. I picture myself pursuing my portrait photography business again. Creating fine art prints in my own studio that would create photos that remind parents why they get up in the morning. Making art that takes a mother's breath away when she sees it on her wall each morning and makes her feel things. Makes her grateful. I want my life to consist of working with my hands... showing up, living. Lately those things are pretty hard for me to do (show up and live, I mean).

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

The days are growing longer. I am weary. I don't want to complain, I am not angry with God. I know He has me here for a reason, He has my women's bible study going through the book of James this semester and I know that's no coincidence. I want to paint a picture for you what a day in my life looks like. NOT for your sympathy. NOT for your recognition or praises. FOR you. FOR you to be thankful for each little gift you've been given that you might be completely unaware of and are possibly wasting. (Like I did, before all of this) OR maybe this is for you, just to know that you're not the only one who's life isn't as cute and perfect as the (probably insecure and depressed) people you follow on instagram! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And neither am I. And with that said, I'm actively making an effort to be aware of MY gifts too. Life has been very hard so far, but I still have good things. And you do too. Let's not waste them by letting Satan distract our attention away from God's goodness.

In 2010, when I was diagnosed with aggressive leukemia at 19, I thought life was really hard. And it was... but honestly, when I look back at those three formative years that were taken captive by chemo, that was actually easier than dealing with my Chronic Graft vs Host Disease today. That season of cancer was preparing me for this... This slow...and steady... endurance.

It seems like each morning I wake up with new symptoms, each more scary and with more potential to be life threatening than the one before... I have no idea what my life will look like next month, or next year, or in 10 years if the Lord still has me living on this earth. Will I eventually need to be in a wheelchair from how this GVHD is effecting my muscles, and bones? Or carry around with me a supplemental oxygen tank for GVHD of the lungs? Will I need dentures from gum disease and tooth decay that this GVHD of the mouth has given me? Don't even get me started on the ramifications if any of those one things happened... let alone all of them. The emotional toll of living life in extreme dependence of God and everyone around me... The stress that would put on Caleb to live like that?? The potential.. the anxious thought and fear keeps me in prayer.without.ceasing. I'm learning, unfortunately, that those things do happen to some people with GVHD. Not everyone, but some! It's moving in that direction for me more than I expected (I didn't expect it at all. I expected the pretty picture that I painted for you earlier)... and I already know that if I don't continue doing physical therapy stretches on my mouth throughout the day I will lose the ability to speak and eat without a feeding tube.

I'm overwhelmed and out of breath (literally on the couch gasping for as I type this in "notes" on my iPhone... this symptom is new) I'm thankful to have the strength to attend church, but I miss being able to see my friends off in the distance, to hurry to them and to hug them without any physical struggle holding me back. I miss being able to smile at strangers and acquaintances without hesitating. Because of GVHD of the mucous membrane (that's the inside skin/all openings including the mouth/gums) I haven't been able to eat a normal meal without difficulty since June. And I haven't had a flavorful, spicy meal in 2 years. I'll likely need gum surgery and at least one tooth removed in the next few months, and I'm only less than 2 years past my transplant And that's only the mouth.. I also have this GVHD blister on my lip that won't go away, it's been there for two months and sometimes it will crack and randomly gushes blood a few times a day and hurts to the point of forming tears... Which can get awkward when you're by yourself at Trader Joe's! That's the only visible issue I think. But you know what, actually... it's happened enough times in the last two months that I'm kind of used to being more confidently transparent with strangers. Which I feel like has been helpful, to be honest about the struggle in a lighthearted way. It normalizes trials. (Hey! #normalizetrials! I'm joking but did I just make up a thing?! 😉 except I feel that we should add "with joy" because otherwise that hashtag would become a toxic tunnel of self absorbed whiners. #normalizetrialswithjoy, there we go!) Because life is hard for everyone. Not just me, not just orphans in Africa, not just foster kids, not just the wealthy people in the world who can't buy their happiness, and not just you, whoever you are and whatever burden you're bearing (or about to bear).

If the peace and joy that I have that only comes from The One True God, can point someone (anyone) who feels lost towards having this same hope and joy for themselves, well then... this very long (and possibly permanent) season of suffering would be worth it for me. I do miss kissing Caleb though. If you're a prayer, can you pray that my lip heals so I can kiss him again!? It's not a silly prayer. Kisses matter. 😘

Caleb and I started reading Randy Alcorn's Heaven this week and it has ministered to my soul in such a sweet way, and I had this realization...

I may never be a mother...

I may never be healthy again...

I may never have the life that I expected God to give me...

I may never live to be 30... or 40... or 50...

(or maybe those never's may never happen!)

And God is still GOOD?

God is still Good.

Earlier this week... I wanted to die---(Ok, ok I'm sorry to be dramatic! Correction: Heaven sounds really *incredible* and chronic pain really *isn't*.) After reading and speculating about heaven, and after a very long and painful day, I prayed that God would either heal me or take me home. I begged him not to give me a life of long-suffering at the extreme of others with cGVHD that I've seen. I prayed it as I sobbed uncontrollably in my bed, muffling my tears in my pillow, hoping I wouldn't wake Caleb (who was waking up at 4am that particular morning.) I prayed it over and over for hours. For nights on end. Life has been painful and physically exhausting which is emotionally exhausting. It is physically difficult to move my muscles to get out of bed. To move from my room to the kitchen and to go to the bathroom. It hurts to sit and it hurts to stand and it hurts to walk. I am only comfortable in one position, and that is when I'm laying on the couch sitting up with my legs relaxed in front of me. With my cute ferocious little pomeranian, Danger happily snuggling on my lap. I thought that I would start to feel better as time went on after my cancer treatment, but this past year or so I seem to only feel worse... I'm doing everything humanly possible to improve my quality of life and ability to function... and though my efforts may be toning down many symptoms, it's still hard to function.

And THEN I read Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. "

My health is a heavy WEIGHT that I carry around on my back. My sin CLINGS SO CLOSELY like an annoying fly that lingers by my food on a hot summer's day. That sin tempts me to want to throw in the towel. But Jesus WEPT in that garden the night before He was crucified. He SUFFERED. He asked God (with willingness and submission) to take that cup from Him, and I'll continue to ask God (with willingness and submission) to take this cup from me. And Jesus still died on that cross even though He didn't want to endure that. He still gave God honor and glory as He endured that trial that He didn't enjoy. And because of that devastating experience that Christ endured because of MY SIN... I have hope of eternal LIFE. So who am I to just give up on this life and these hard things that God has allowed me to endure, because I'm uncomfortable and in pain? I know I'm not the only one out there who’s in pain. But am I the only one out there who’s in this much pain, yet has this much hope? I hope not...

If Jesus Christ can walk on this earth perfectly and suffer the ultimate long, painful, blood curdling pain SO THAT I HAVE THE OPTION to choose hope over this meaningless, sin-filled, cesspool crap-town of a depressing world, then I refuse to disrespect His name by giving up the hope that He paid for me with His own blood. Jesus didn't die so that I could live a comfortable life on earth, too preoccupied with all the pretty things to need Him. So that I could throw a tantrum when things didn't go my way. He died because He loved me (even though I didn't do anything to deserve it). So the LEAST I can do is endure through this hard life for His sake, like He did for me out of His pure undeserved love. Except I'm not capable of doing it perfectly like He did. So He did it perfectly for me. Then died in the most brutal, slow and painful way ever. Then He conquered death by resurrecting like it was prophesied thousands of years prior. It's pretty cool! And He's coming back soon. And I am so ready for it.

So if you'd like to pray, please pray for my health and for my heart. And for my sweet husband who never stops dying to himself for me (even without stomping his feet or slamming the door or rolling his eyes) and for everyone else he comes into contact with.

MORE SPECIFIC HEALTH PRAYER:

I started a brand new medication last month, it's the first official FDA approved medication for Chronic Graft vs Host disease, it was prescribed to me a few days after being approved last month. It's so new that there's really hardly any research done about it, not even any contraindications known if you google it. IF it's going to work for me, it'll start to kick in within the next week or two. If it works, it hypothetically would help ALL of my cGVHD symptoms Lord willing for as long as possible. And If it doesn't, the rest of my life will likely consist of chronic pain, fatigue and lots of endurance. And growth. And regardless, even still: God's goodness. As I'm writing this I'm laying on the couch with my adorable fluffy puppy snuggling in my lap, having trouble breathing and feel dizzy, but I'm comfortable. It's hard to even focus on writing and articulating thoughts when I feel this way, but I need to get them out. I need you, whoever you are to know exactly what gifts you've been given and to take the time to appreciate them. Or to know that you're not alone in your pains, but press on! Lets normalize trials with joy and be honest with others. Let's not minimize other people's pain. Your pain isn't invalid just because it's different then mine. ❤️

My sister reminded me today of Joni Erickson Tada. What a light she has been to so many... and I can only imagine that she probably had those dreams as a girl like I have and do. And God had a different plan for her... and she is so beautiful, so whole. Full of so much joy. I am no comparison to someone like Joni and all she's endured with such grace... but what we have in common is that our lives have not gone according to our plans, our lives have not been comfortable and they have been filled with physical and emotional pain. But we both have hope in so much more than our physical comfort. We have hope in the gospel.

This is what I'm preaching to myself:

ALL OF JAMES 1 ALL THE TIME

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 From Paul, who went through way more pain and persecution and trials than my tiny brain can ever comprehend. "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Hebrews 12:7-11 "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

So in light of that Heavenly Father's disciplining love...

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35, 38-39

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.” -John 3:16-21

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songofsaraneth · 7 years

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time for another life happenings post!! I think it’s been like 3 weeks or so since i updated, and in that time i have done a BUNCH.

firstly, I did 2 weeks of nightly circus skills intro training! I really really miss the circus group I was in in college, but there hasn’t been anything similar here--until this group from Arizona showed up to teach a couple classes. They were only here for two weeks, spending the weekends visiting friends here, the weekdays running a kids camp and the evenings for adult classes. It was just for about 1.5 hours each night and not very in depth, but we tried out a bunch of different things in that time. I learned a bunch of basic trapeze poses (photo 1), some aerial silks climbs/hangs/tricks, relearned how to juggle, and was bizarrely very immediately good at rolling globe (photo 2), which is where you jump up on a large plastic ball and then roll it around back and forth while still standing on top of it. Once I got that down I added some poi in (which I’ve done for years) just for fun! Met a couple local folks I didn’t know before as well, and learned about a local acro yoga/partner acro group I’m gonna hopefully try to join in on a bit.

Then last friday, I drove up to the Denver area after work, and on Saturday went to Denver Comic Con! My boyf and his friends from Wyoming were dressed up as Steven Universe characters, but I didn’t have anything prepared since it was very last minute i found out I could head to CO for the weekend. So I wore the dragon hoodie i made when i dressed up as Smaug for the premiere of the 2nd Hobbit movie, a skirt to hide my legs, and went as the Wyverary (Wyvern + library) from the Fairyland series by Cat Valente, since I was gonna get a few books signed by her while there (photo 3, me with her post-signing). Also got some stuff by Robin Hobb signed, went to a few talks by other authors, a couple writing panels, and stared at a lot of pretty merch! I wanted to get into the Felicia Day talk but the line filled up over an hour beforehand so :( And I was too cheap for autographs of anyone who cost money to see, but I did see Nathan Fillion and James Marsters from a distance. After the con wound down that night we all went out to dinner and wandered Denver a bit, and then I drove up to my other friend in Fort Collins.

Sunday! My pal Ash and I met while we were both studying abroad in Ireland, and one of our other friends we made there (who was actually from Ireland) happened to be in the US/CO this week! So we got up early on sunday to go to the archery range (photo 4), since we all met on the archery team and NUI Galway. I hadn’t shot for like, almost 2 years which is SAD considering how big a part of my life archery was for a while, but at least I hadn’t forgotten everything. gonna have to just buy my own bow someday. After that, we went down to the Colorado Renaissance Festival, and I don’t care how historically inaccurate they are, I really love any excuse to wander around in costume and stare at pretty crafts. It was awesome and I bought a very extravagant mask (photo 5) for a costume I’m planning on making. Drove our Irish friend to his cousin’s house after and spent the night at the boyfs.

Monday! After J went to work I wandered up to Boulder. Stopped at the small Natural History museum on campus to stare at all the fossils and pottery, then skipped to a farmers market thing and was very good about not spending money except for a ginger-maple lemonade. Then up on back to FC with Ash, where we went to this EXTREMELY fancy single-origin chocolate shop, two fancy cheese shops, some thrift stores, and the grocery store. When we got home we realized that between us we had like... 19 types of cheese. so naturally we assembled the most fantastic cheese platter that has ever been created (photo 6), with berries, avocado, bread with whole cloves of garlic baked in, salami, and wild boar sausage. it was so good and we did not even come close to finishing it all, lol. But it made a good breakfast the next day too.

ANYWAY then... we went to bed around 10:30pm and woke up around... 3:30-4am on the 4th. So we could do a sunrise photoshoot back at the archery range (photo 6). Because we have priorities I guess. But we got all dressed up and went out to take lots of photos, which turned out really well and I’ll post more eventually. but we shot from like 5:30am-8:30am for that sunrise light, and then when we got home at 9 promptly went back to bed. Eventually roused myself enough around 11am to join J for brunch as he drove through on his way to Wyoming for the 4th. Then, alas, I had to make the drive back to Utah, which is very long (6hr) but at least the mountains are absolutely beautiful this time of year. Man I really love the desert, but driving through summer mountains just makes me want to run out and frolic in all the lush green meadows and just like, hug a tree. We have a couple small lacothithic mountains pretty close to where I live but it’s different from seeing them extend on and on around you with green and snow-capped peaks forever.

Anyway, got back to Moab around 8pm on the 4th, just as people were starting to set up firework things. unpacked a bit and then hopped over to where one of my housemates is currently housesitting for some wealthy couple, in this really big beautiful house on top of a hill with a hot tub. we planned to sit in the hot tub for the main fireworks display (which we could see perfectly from it) but it was like 105º out during the day and still in the 90ºs around 9:30pm, so after like 15 minutes we just sat on the edge with our feet in instead.

anyway! work has been hot and exhausting (manual labor fence building in 100º+ weather with the occasional interspersed long photosynthesis measurement days), so I won’t talk about it overmuch. but I do have next week off, hurrah! Gonna be meeting up with my old college advisor in New Mexico for some volunteer plant collecting for the genetics research lab I used to work for. Exciting! I’ll drive down there on Monday and camp out for a night before meeting up with the group, is my current plan.

Today I got brunch+read and then have been aimlessly wandering the internet. Tonight though is the Moab Grassroots Music Exchange, which happens on full moons during the warm months. Basically a bunch of people drive out into a semi remote part of the desert and there’s a stage with a band or two and a lot of bonfires and general hippie festivities. I don’t drink so that cuts down on some of the amusement for me, but there are usually a couple firespinners I can spin with/bum fuel off of. I might camp there overnight (there’s tons of space to do so so people don’t have to drive home the same night) or I might just come back home, still undecided. And then I’ve been invited along a mountain summit hike tomorrow and a rafting trip, so I have to decide which of those I’m going to join in on I guess! Such a hard life in a small adventure town, sigh.

#ramblings #wanderings #colorado plateau wanderings #moab wanderings #me #these photos give the impression that i wear leggings a lot but tbh that could not be further from the truth #i get to sweaty whoops

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aquarianlights · 7 years

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OKAY FINALLY....HERE IS WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. I’M SORRY THIS IS SO LONG AND SO LATE. FUCK.

((C/Ped this from a FB post, so there may be a few...not understandable things here, but for the most part, you'll get what I'm saying. Tried to edit it to fit a generalized linguistic standard, so to speak. Idk. I tried. Here you go.))

OKAY Now that I'm finally not entirely exhausted and am not ready to jump off a bridge (yet), I am gonna fucking type this up coz everyone is asking me what's going on and I can't keep up with y'all. Damn. Okay, so. . .

The past two weeks have been fucking...awful. Literally the worst two weeks of my life I had ever had. It began with me doing something VERY illegal and my mom figuring it out when I didn't think it would happen the way it did. In fact, for someone who has a catastrophic thinking problem, I'm surprised this scenario did not enter my mind at any moment.

It was the moment I said "Wow. I really am a drug addict." I mean, I've known I was an addict for literally years but after what I did, I just couldn't even...I mean, this is something I could have gone to prison for life or double life for. So it kinda just...woke me up and I was like "fuck" but I kept going anyways and then I ran out of pills and everything else and didn't know what to do. . . which is precisely the moment my mom had found out what I had done.

Bad timing.

So she blocks me in the basement with her car so that I can't use my car. And it's been YEARS of me saying to my father "Can I PLEASE buy my car from you so I have legal ownership?" Every day. . .same response. . . "Yeah, of course! Just let me get around to it." Like...this goes on for like...since maybe 2013? 4ish years later...my mom starts holding it over my head. "The car isn't even legally yours so if you take it anywhere, I will just call the police and tell them you stole it." Well I couldn't anyways because she blocked me in with her car. The only way I could have driven it was directly off the mountain cliff and over the edge, which I was considering, but felt too scared that I might hurt an animal in the process since it's all forest and trees and such where I am and our neighbours down the road have free-roam dogs. So despite the fact I would have LOVED to have just gunned the accelerator off the edge of that cliff, I didn't.

Then they barricade me in my room and won't let me out. This isn't unusual. Normally they turn off the power to the basement and leave me down there. But this time they actually barricaded me in the ROOM and not just the basement. I had no water and no access to water. Or anything else. And then my mom would come pounding on my door and screaming and at one point she had my dad hold me down while she took every single one of my medications, including the most important one, my mood stabilizer, and ripped them out of my hands. So after that, I was just screaming at the top of my lungs and pulling my hair out and banging my head against the wall remembering "Only the head has pain receptors. The brain doesn't." Thinking maybe if I could just bash my skull in to the point of brains, then I wouldn't feel anything and could physically rip my brain out by pieces since I wouldn't be able to feel anything. But then my parents came downstairs obviously coz of the noise of me banging my head against the wall as hard as I could and I ran and pushed the couch in my room against the door and pushed the table against that and pushed the bed against that. Which ...minus a small triangular bureau thing by my bed, that's all the furniture in my room.

So...I couldn't get out or in for days. This was during a period of which my dad had just gotten out of the geriatric ward and my mom was dealing with his new weird habits and medication reactions. So obvs, I mean, I'M the one who barricaded myself in. Why should they deal with me? I get that.

I just...pulled the barricade out from my side and pushed on the other side for what felt like hours until it gave out. I grabbed my bag, put my laptop and notepad for school in it, chargers, phone, and left.

Now. . .if you've ever been up my mountain, you'll know it's a 10 minute DRIVE up there. Nah, fam, I walked all that. And then walked more...and more...and more...and there was no signal...anywhere...Idk how long I walked. But I was wearing odd clothing because nothing was clean obviously. I was wearing a sweater with nothing underneath and shorts and plaid shoes and I had lost my glasses so I didn't even have those. And I ended up somewhere on this road...Idk how far I went but I kept checking for service to text any friend to see if they would let me couch hop for one or two nights. But no. No signal. So I started walking back.

It was too hot. I laid down on the very edge of the pavement of this tiny, windy, backroad and I remember looking up at the trees and seeing the sun shine through the leaves and just...being in awe of the beauty. I went to take a picture of it with my phone but then I blacked out.

Somewhere during this time, a car almost hit me and left skid marks on the road which the police pointed out later. Idk if I was awake for that or not. But then I woke up to this really sweet mom and she had her van stopped beside me and she was holding me and shaking me and her little ...gradeschooler(??) age kid was like screaming at her like "IS HE ALIVE!?" or something. I'm not entirely sure what. Somewhere during that time, local 911 dispatch was called from my phone. Maybe I did it. Maybe she did. Idk. But local 911 dispatch works even when you don't have service, so. . .thank god for that? I guess. Maybe not. It probably would have been better if I had just been hit by a car and died, honestly.

Legit 3 ambulances and 1 cop car showed up. I was withdrawing really, really badly and I hadn't had any water in literal days and I obviously hadn't eaten in even longer than that. I was super dehydrated and malnourished and overexhausted, yet my stats were okay. Like, everything like my BP and temp and pulse checked out. My BP is chronically low and lowered even more by the BP med I take for migraines so it's obvious that it was a "little high, but normal". And my temp was not too high. And my pulse wasn't thready, which I had already checked myself to make sure I could just go to sleep on the road and wake up later after resting. The EMT's said I could go with them or not. And the cop said "You're 25. If you wanna walk away from me right now and keep walking down that road and go to sleep on the side of the road, I can't stop you. But by the skid marks on the road here (like I mentioned), I'm pretty sure you're going to get hit by a car. So..." I mean, well, if that's not my damn white privilege at its finest... But, anyways, I said "Yeah, y'know what, I'm just gonna keep walking." Then the cop pulls me aside and is like "No. I really don't think you should." And one of the EMTs knew my mom from when she worked at the same hospital he worked at and had been up to our house plenty of times. So he drove up to her house and brought her back because, yknow...no service. And I told the police and EMTs to just...lemme go from there. I didn't want police involved. Coz, as the officer said, "You're 25. You make your own decisions at this point in life." So I did.

I adamantly told my mother I wasn't going back with her and she was about to scream at me but then I threw up blood. Just...pure blood. And idk how I got to Asheville Memorial Trauma Center, but I did. They had a helipad. It was like being in a Grey's Anatomy episode coz they're a level 1 trauma center. Omg. So cool. They had all this fancy equipment like that green vein scan thingy where you run it over the AC or the hand and it just shows you where the veins are so you don't have to feel for them. It was fascinating.

I got stuck maybe 8 times, though. For blood draws and such. Coz my veins are small and they roll and I'm a very hard stick.

I don't remember much from the time I was there but we didn't leave until like...idk, idr, maybe 4am? We got home around 6am. Dad had locked us out of the house. The key was in view on the inside from the window and I was delirious and laughing while my mom was fuming angry and screaming for my dad to wake up and pounding on the door.

Something happened between this that I don't remember. Lots of black-out periods, obvs.

I slept. I withdrew. Hard. Lots of pain. This is day 5 of totally nothing and there's STILL lots of pain. Then the same thing happened. My mom barricaded my car in and took my meds from me and locked me in the basement. So I said...fuck it....and lied and said I had friends to stay with, even though I hadn't even contacted anyone at this point yet. Coz I figured that would make her let me leave if she knew a friend was involved. And she still wouldn't let me out unless I gave a full name, address, and telephone number. She kept saying this was all for "my safety". I couldn't handle it. I can't handle being in that house anyways. Anyone with depression will know that environment affects your moods VERY highly. So I was not only withdrawing from opiates, benzos, ambien, a BP med for migraines, but also cold turkey from my mood stabilizer. Like, I'm surprised I didn't die. I wish I would have. I have never been in so much pure physical and mental agony in my life.

I don't remember much of the next few days. And I don't remember how we came to an agreement, but my mom gave me my meds back and let me out and let me take my car. I was crying and screaming so hard because she told me if I didn't come home and stay home, she was going to take my dog to a kill shelter. And there was nothing I could do.

I went down somewhere in town on a backroad where no one would find me in the pure dark and called my old therapist. He recommended several good 7-day detox programs for me that also handle psych issues. Because rehabs won't take me due to my psych issues because they don't have the capability to handle psych medications.

I had somehow convinced my mom to let me sleep in my car that night. She had been screaming about how "Human beings DO NOT live in cars, Killian!" And such nonsense that typical cis white baby boomers babble about. I don't remember much of that night. But I ended up in a hotel somehow. Where I have been for the past few days. I went to volunteer, got that job, was about to go scrub shopping with my mom when the withdrawals just got too intense and I thought "My doctor is a former addict. Like. Everyone knows this. He SHOULD help me. Right?" Wrong.

We went to my doctor and he was literally screaming at me and pointing his pen in my face saying he wasn't going to be manipulated by a bipolar drug addict anymore. And I have NEVER been diagnosed bipolar. Ever. That has never come up even once except with him. I am most definitely NOT bipolar. And when I said that, he's like screaming at me that I'm definitely bipolar and that he's cutting me off of everything except my mood stabilizer and that I need to get in with a psychiatrist if I want my benzos back, which are what I need, and a neurologist if I want my BP meds back, and where the hell I'm going to find Ambien to sleep? Fuck.

AND THEN He starts yelling about how he's never had a case of costochondritis in his 30-something years of being a doctor and that I am lying about it. But my mom was in the room and she's like quietly shaking her head. Because I have been diagnosed three times now with costo. It's supposed to be short term. But mine is long term and that's where it gets confusing because costo has never really lasted this long in many people in the entire world so far. And he just screams at me that it's all psychological and that I have too many problems and that I'm never going to make it through school, so why am I even trying, and then says that I am probably going to be living in a state mental institution by the age of 30 or less.

I just walked out at this point. Thank god I had my car. I drove off. Drove. For a while. Got lost. Stopped at a rest stop and texted my platonic soul mate. I was ready to drive to New Orleans right then without anything at all. But I calmed down a bit after popping one of the few ativan or valium (Idr) I have left and came up with a better plan because even my therapist said "You're being dismissive of my help. I don't think you want my help. This is not going to end well." But no. I don't even care anymore. I'm going to get through this.

Got set up in a very cheap hotel near my volunteer shelter for 3 days to sort things out and come up with a plan. So I have been wracking my brain and doing SO much research and talking to so many friends about potential living arrangements. But nothing came up. I need to be in a city or heavily populated suburb because I cannot HANDLE being isolated and I cannot handle living by myself either.

So best friend and I eventually came up with a plan. Thank god her roommates are such wonderful people. I love them both so much.

The Tech school I can AFFORD to get into is in Asheville. And I want more hands on experience than the online world is giving me. I want to be able to dissect things and do actual venipuncture restraint positions on dogs bigger than me and I want to do all these things PHYSICALLY. I want HANDS-ON experience and I just...can't get a shadowing position in such a small town.

Problem being, if I leave NC for over a month, I lose my disability, SSI, EBT, and Medicaid. I could do without disability, SSI, and EBT...but I cannot afford my medications without Medicaid. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do while going to school because I only get about 650ish a month from my disability and about 50 from my SSI and 74 on my EBT which my parents use because I really don't eat coz of my anorexia and depression and anxiety combo. But my Medicaid pushes meds that are normally around 200-300 dollars out of pocket, even with discounts like GoodRx, pushes them all the way down to 3 dollars a piece. And my mood stabilizer is especially pricey. So Idk what I'm gonna do when I move in with someone in Asheville coz I will want to be focusing on school and shadowing/interning and volunteering and not have to worry about working, but then. . .I want to work, too. But only at a vet's office or somewhere that deals with medical things. I'm literally 1 class away from getting my vet transfer degree. But do you know why I started over from scratch? Because I can't handle the speech class which is the last and only class I need AND because this degree, albeit a fully accredited AA, is nothing more than a "Here. You have taken all the gen ed classes and a million extracurriculars and now you can use this degree to get into a vet tech school!" Which, I mean, is great, because I REALLY want to get into North Carolina Univeristy in Raleigh. . .that would be my ideal school for vet tech training in this state (not my ideal state, obvs...I hate the south and I want to live in Massachusetts, but it's too expensive). But. . .the in-state tuition is above 10k. I highly doubt any sort of financial aid would cover all of that, even with Pell Grants.

Yes, I realize that becoming a tech and then going for the full vet surgeon licensing is gonna put me in debt until long after I die and that I'm going to be paying back literal millions of dollars worth of loans for the rest of my life and beyond. But why go to a school like that for 10k when they have the same hands-on program at a fully accredited community college? I never even realized how much of a difference the community college price versus university price was. . .because I've had Florida Pre-Paid this whole time and haven't had to pay anything big yet and right now my loan paybacks are at about 1k-2k at the most. I just...would uh...to add a 10k on top of that... (for one semester)...and then another 10k (for one more semester)...then two more 10k's for the last two semesters....I don't know if I could do all that. And then I have to PAY to take three different tests and if I fail even one, all that training was for nothing. And of course, applications and records and SAT score retrieval all cost money, too. AND THIS IS JUST FOR TECH SCHOOL. NOT EVEN FULL VET LICENSING AND SURGICAL LICENSING. So despite NC State and Raleigh being my dream in this state. . .it's just not. . .I don't think it's a wise decision. So I'm aiming for Asheville.

Now. . .all my disability money and SSI will be going to rent and utilities and I'm totally willing to share my EBT with whatever roommate I end up with, but I will lose ALL of that if I start any kind of job. Even a min wage retail job. And I'm fine with that. I will work till it kills me to make rent and utilities and such. But it's the FUCKING MEDICAID. If I start working, I lose my Medicaid, too. ...and I can't afford my meds without it. So...I'm not sure what to do here. I don't have credit yet but if I were to GET a credit card and gain credit, it would immediately be awful because of all my medical debt and there's no coming back from that coz I just can't do it in this economy. Which is exactly why I have put off getting any sort of credit. For...my entire adult life.

But right now...my plan is...go to New Orleans with my three good friends. Stay there for 2 weeks-month tops, which they said is totally fine and I'm completely welcome. Not like we haven't done this before in opposite situations anyways. Lmao. We help each other as much as we can. Next step? Gain roommate in Asheville through several roommate matching sites I found. Move there. THEN work on getting into the college I want and transferring my online credits and all the credits from the two other colleges I'm in and transferring my SAT scores whilst attempting to find an internship or shadowing position. And after that? I'm really not sure. I don't have a plan from there. But my mom agreed to keep my double coat dog brushed, cleaned, updated on his shots, fed properly like I feed him (NO HUMAN FOOD DAMNIT), bathed, nails clipped, butt shaved, and get the anesthesia dentistry done he needs for the next 2 years while I get my life in order. It's going to literally kill me to be away from him like that. But she said if I am not "stable to her liking" in 2 years, she will put him in a kill shelter. So not only do I WANT to do this, I HAVE to do this. Because if that happened. . .that would be the absolute last straw at any chance I would have of recovery. That dog is my life. Hell, I have his name tattooed on my wrist. I spend every waking second with him and even these couple weeks of in and out of consciousness was hell without him. I was worried about him every goddamn second and I could hear him borking and howling upstairs while I was barricaded downstairs and it would just kill me. It was like I could physically feel my heart being stabbed.

Annnd....Idk how I'm going to find a roommate that will take in an asexual, polyamorous, panromantic, nerdy recluse like me with questionable future financial stability and no credit. But even if I have to live in my car to get through school, find a place, and get my dog with me, I'll do it. I'm HOPING I will find a roommate that likes me AND a vicious little (read: very large) neurotic pomeranian in tech school. Someone who ALSO has a dog or AT LEAST a cat so that my dog will not be lonely while I am gone all day. I don't want to have to take him in with me alone and then be gone literally all day and only see him for 2 seconds before falling asleep and getting the only interaction with him possible at feeding time and to briefly take him out to go potty. I don't want that for him. He needs more. He deserves more. At least, leaving him with my mom and dad, he will be safe and taken care of and will have his "sister" and the cats to play with and he can bork to his hearts content. And my dad is retired and my mom only works 4 days a week, so he will be walked every day and taken out appropriately and I made them sign a document stating they would do this for 2 years.

So...tomorrow...I am scouring Asheville, every surrounding town within a 15 mile radius, and one within a 20 mile radius, to see what everything looks like in person and make sure the areas are diversified and active and are NOT a small town or even close to a regular sized town, but much bigger and much more diversified than a goddamn southern town with a bunch of white deer hunting orange overlord voters and then I'm gonna make it back in time for the Discovery premiere (Trekkie thing) coz it will be legendary. Like...Kirk's premiere, kinda legendary. And then I'm gonna pack after that, cuddle with my dog all night, and...leave for New Orleans whenever I wake up if I manage to sleep. Or leave when I finally decide "Fuck it, I can't stay in bed any longer." And I'll say goodbye to my dog.....and...cry..a lot...and hug him and kiss him and take tons of pictures and oh god now I'm crying.

That's all just the basics, though. There has been a lot of other less major stuff going on that's getting to me but. . .I will be so goddamn happy to see my three friends that are taking me in that I think I'm gonna cry good tears when I get there.

It’s really hard to think straight when you’re withdrawing AND the most impulsive person in the world.

Just gotta say...I thought dealing with generalized anxiety without meds was hard. Nah...dealing with panic disorder without meds is impossible. I can't fucking do anything without having a mostly physical style panic attack every 2 goddamn seconds. Feels worse than withdrawals, honestly. I have a couple benzos left...but literally only like 2 ativan and maybe 5 valium? So...trying to save those for like...really hard moments like the first day of an internship or something. So I have a plan about that, too, and Idk if it’s going to work, but I am DONE writing right now.

THANK YOU GOODNIGHT.

#if you have questions just message me #i'm sorry this is so long and so late #ugh it took me like an hour to type up finally #and if i wasn't clear on something just ask #or if i made a discrepancy then please just message me and tell me coz i am half asleep rn #and also none of my memories are ever in chronological order soooo.....#sorry not sorry lol #anyways #i'm okay for now #i mean #technically #i'm NOT okay #but i WILL BE okay #i also have a handful of messages to still get to #i'm so sorry you guys #got my queue up to almost 100 again #but i'mma be awol for a while now #love you all #personal

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victakestaipei · 7 years

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WEEK 3 RECAP: 9 min mile, SZA, and The Red Poop Scare

This week was not very eventful. Sorry to say folks, but it’s not going to be exciting all the time right? You have to have boring/uneventful days to balance out the exciting ones. I guess it makes you appreciate them more... But regardless of this fact, I still am going to write about the week due to the fact that I’m trying to stay consistent and make blogging feel like a habit/hobby, rather than a chore (at times). If you keep reading and get to the end of this post, you the GOAT!

Monday:

I was super exhausted this morning from the long weekend (visiting Longdong and Fulong)... I didn’t want to get out of bed and it took all of my strength to get up and climb down the ladder from my bunk bed. I also was still recovering from the first real sunburn I’d had in years, so pulling on my sports bra and t-shirt this morning was definitely a wake up call. In class we had our third test of the course. It was definitely harder than the previous two, but I still think I did well. Class dragged on harder and slower than ever before... I found myself counting down the minutes until 1:10pm.. and it seems like I wasn’t the only one hehe

At the gym it was floor day/abs. So I did mostly floor work with a matt. The weight lifting area of the gym is pretty small so usually when I use a matt I take it outside of the weight lifting room and do my sets in the hallway/foyer. But, there is no air conditioning out here so I find myself dripping sweat onto the matt and it’s just a mess. ALSO!! I actually ran a mile today, in 9 minutes! That was my goal cut off time and I made it by the skin of my teeth. So I ran the 1.6 kilometers in 9 minutes... Not too shabby from last week ;)

For lunch Bunny and I grabbed potstickers to go (I got the curry flavor) and hopped on the bus to head home. We didn't feel like sitting and having lunch because we are still recovering from the weekend and were super tired. After I got home I hopped on FaceTime and caught up with Karis and some other loved ones. I wanted to take a nap, but I figured it might be better to just stay up so that I can sleep real good when I finally hit the hay. For dinner Bunny made rice, scrambled eggs, and we picked up some fried chicken from the food stand place by our dorm. I had bought a dozen eggs the weekend before in the grocery store, and they were going to go bad soon so we had to figure out what we were going to do with them. It turned out to be a really good dinner. I finished my blog post about Fulong today, and also did some personal journaling of my own before starting my homework. Today was a bit of a moody/emotional day, and I'm not sure why. But it feels good to write. It always feels good to write...

Tuesday:

So as it turns out, I got a 97% on my test from yesterday!!! Feelin’ good. Feelin’ like a smarty pants. We also had a written quiz today too on the dialogue. I got a 94% on that. I’m really starting to get the hang of writing traditional, and I’m actually glad I chose Taiwan as my study abroad destination, so that I could learn both forms of written Mandarin. I know it’ll pay off in the long run when I’m making dem big bucks! Hehe (kidding)... ((kindof)).

In the gym I ran another 9 min mile. It was also leg day (my favorite)!!... When I got home I bought my SZA ticket. I AM SO EXCITED YOU ALL HAVE NO IDEA. I have been listening to this woman for years now and she’s finally getting the recognition she deserves and I’m so happy for her :-’) I’ll be seeing her with Poirshea in Sacramento in September. Can't wait. Gonna die of excitement!!! P and I really bond over SZA and love her to death and I’m so glad we’re going to experience her music live together. Twin bonding at it’s finest.

I miss you Twin!!!

Sza is so adorable I just can’t!!!! Ugh.

Anways, for lunch the three of us went back to the soy sauce braised place, and filled up on udon noodles, veggies and tofu. I got it a bit spicier than last time.. and it was really really good. WAYY better than last time! For dinner I was still pretty full off of lunch, so Bunny and I went to the street market around 10:30pm to get some fruit and egg scallion pancakes. I NEED to learn how to make these pancakes at home because they're so dang good. I will make them everyday for every meal. BOMB.COM. Egg scallion pancakes are basically green onions, eggs, and dough in pancake form... sounds odd, but man is it tasty!

Wednesday:

Today I jumped up out the bed at 9:52am like I was just ressurected from the dead. And for those of you who don’t know, my class starts at 10:20am. Bunny was still knocked out when I was startled out of bed.. so we found ourselves throwing on clothes and rushing out the door. We ran to the bus stop, and was only about 10 min late to our class. Thankfully our teacher wasn't upset or anything... But right after we arrived we had a quiz waiting on us at the do’

I’m not sure about my grade yet, but I don’t think I did so well. I was drawing a lot of blanks because I was still frazzled from rushing this morning. After class we got something small to eat before the gym because at this point it's 1:30pm and I'm starVING!!! At the gym I did a really really quick back day, because there’s a class that meets in the gym at 2:20 on Mon/Wed/Fri so usually I have to do short workouts on those days.

After the gym we headed to a fruit stand to get mango smoothies and dragon fruit... *REMEMBER THIS*

I wasn't super hungry because of the food I had before the gym. And then we went home, did homework, took a nap, and watched netflix. At around 9 Bunny and I went to get potstickers at the place by our dorm. That place is the best ever.

Thursday:

This morning we actually woke up on time. We were even able to gnab some bread at the local bakery before class. I usually pair my morning bread with a tea of sorts... I’ve been drinking alot of green tea lately, and I really really love the green tea infused with passionfruit. So so good. But, I’ve come to find out on days that I don’t have any tea or milk tea, I get massive massive caffeine headaches. I used to get them alot when I would stop drinking coffee after a few days... But I didn’t think this would still happen to me because the caffeine amount in green tea is so much smaller... who knows. But nonetheless, the tea is worth it!!!

We had a quiz in class today, and before the end of the three hour period, she sprang a test on us right there at the end. She did this because alot of us (4 out of the 9) will be absent tomorrow due to travel. There’s another student in our class (the Swiss guy) who’s going to Seoul, South Korea this weekend, and he left midway through our class. And then the three of us (Bunny, Nick, and I) leave for the Philippines tonight at like 2am.

Also in class I got called Beyoncé more than I wanted to... Our teacher first brought up Shakira, and asked us if we all have heard of her before (which obviously we have), but she just learned of this Columbian singer’s existence and was tickled/excited to share the news. She then brought up Beyonce and drew the conclusion that I look strikingly similar to the superstar mother of three. I can admit it is quite the compliment, but Lord knows she only thinks this because we are both lightskin, tall women. Hooray for racial insensitivity!!!

At the gym it was leg day once again (it’s Thursday, duh!). I ended up running a 8:40 mile! I definitely shaved off some seconds. SO Proud. Drenched in sweat!

For lunch we went back to that Malaysian place with the sweet lady who showed us pictures of her 8month old grandson. I love her. I ordered the hot/sour Chicken with potato wedges... so incredibly bomb.

Bunny and I went home after lunch and packed for our trip to the Philippines this weekend, as well as napped. I went to the bathroom and had the fright of a LIFETIME. Which brings me to the “Red Poop Scare” segment of this blog post....

I have had problems pooping regularly since I’ve gotten here, I think partly due to my change in diet and stress levels... but nonethless it has only just started to get more regular/consistent. So just IMAGINE my shock when I went to handle my business and my poop was RED!!! I’m talking BRIGHT RED/MAGENTA!!! I thought I was dying!!! Blood in my stool??? Can you IMAGINE!!! I would have had to find a doctor here in Taiwan and omg the HORROR. But when I was handling my business there was no pain or strain or anything... so it was also pretty confusing. After I went back into the room and talked to my roommate I realized that I had DRAGONFRUIT YESTERDAY!!! Which is conveniently the same exact color as my poop. So that was exciting and a relief to realize. It was only that color because of the fruit I had the previous day. THANK YOU JESUS I AM ALIVE AND HEALTHY AND IT WAS NOT BLOOD.

....I’ve come to realize that maybe this segment of the blog is a bit TMI... but I also told myself that if I’m going to blog, It’s going to be as open and honest and transparent as possible.. everyone has poop probs am I right???

Anyway,

We also did a quick run to the night market before taking the MRT to the airport. At the night market we got some more food to eat because we knew the journey to get to Philippines would be long. We were to land at 4am. And we left to the airport around 10:15pm. It takes about 45-hour to get to the airport, plus we wanted to allow enough time to check in, go through security, etc before our plane departed at 1:45am.

Here’s some pics of the wanton/noodles I bought and the really really good burger I had at the Night Market.. THE BURGER MIGHT BE BETTER THAN IN-N-OUT DONT @ ME

I’ll come back with another post about the Philippines!

until then, xoxo

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unlikelywallflower · 5 years

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on finally getting what I want, personal loss, and collective pain

In addition to the content warning in the graphic, I’d like to preface this with a content “request”: While I appreciate any loving shows of support (via text/email/FB message), I am not looking for any advice or suggestions on how to cope (the only exception, possibly, being if you’ve personally been through this and want to share what you did for yourself).

This is going to be a long one, y’all. Also one that feels strange, because while I do feel more women talk about this more of the time than they used to, it’s probably not something that many people are this public about. That said, sharing my whole journey, for my own processing and shedding light, and for the benefit of those who are dealing with some/any of the same things, is what this blog has been about from the start. So here we go...

What feels like eons ago, but was actually only six weeks ago, I started feeling crampy—like “my period is coming tomorrow” crampy—and immediately went into a tailspin of misery that I was not only going to have to go through it all over again, but was going to have to take more of the fertility drugs whose side effects I still hadn��t recovered from. But then, the next morning, I woke to a 0.4 degree rise in temperature (for those of you who aren’t fertility nerds, that is a fairly sure sign of either a fever or pregnancy, and I definitely wasn’t sick), peed on maybe the fifth stick that week, and for the first time in seven months of trying, saw a very faint second line. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry or be terrified or think I was imagining the whole thing, so I decided to keep it to myself for the day. I slept terribly, and then that faint line got a little darker the next morning. I knew then that I was for sure pregnant, and alternated between crying with joy, smiling to myself, singing and talking to my little blastocyst, filling out intake forms for the six different midwifery practices in the city, looking at the stick every five minutes, and feeling more nervous than I had in a long, long time. I also made a list of everyone I was going to tell before making a grand public announcement and at what stage I was going to tell them, and started thinking seriously about how I was going to creatively share the news with each of those people.

That drive to come up with an individually personalized experience for telling every single person in my life got pretty exhausting pretty fast, and was adding to the already mounting swell of anxious thoughts that were continuing to wake me up at 4am: what if it’s twins or even triplets (the fertility drugs did their job, helping me develop two mature and one smaller “immature” follicle)? What if the baby isn’t healthy? What if I have a miscarriage? What if I somehow lose my job and can’t afford this? What if? What if? What if?

I managed to calm down a little after a few days, and started just, you know, telling people. In a time when my feelings about being pregnant were about 60% anxiety, 10% excitement, 15% shame that I was more terrified than elated, and 15% “WTF was I thinking?”, telling people felt like my only real access to feeling excited about this pregnancy. My hCG hormone (the “pregnancy hormone”) was on the very high side of normal on the first couple of blood tests, which did not help the twin anxiety, and at the six-week mark, the nausea and exhaustion kicked into overdrive. (Note to those who don’t know about pregnancy week-counting: they start counting from the first day of your last period, so by the time you find out roughly two weeks after conception, you’re already technically four weeks pregnant). I kept feeling like I should be glowing and walking on air, but mostly I just felt like throwing up and having a nap.

I was so nervous for the first ultrasound at 7.5 weeks, but comforted by SD#1’s presence. And it looked like my prayers had been answered: there was one little blob on the screen; one single, very strong heartbeat. I cried with relief and immediately got on a train home to tell my parents in person (I had already planned the trip; I luckily had a client meeting in my home town the next day). The clinic scheduled me for another (completely medically unnecessary) ultrasound at 9.5 weeks, which I thought about not keeping, but then realized fairly quickly that the reassurance would be comforting—waiting til the standard 12-week screening sounded awful.

After telling my parents, I settled into it a little more, and by nine weeks, had told what felt like a lot of people. No one that I wouldn’t want to know if it didn’t work out, mind you. Then the day of the second ultrasound came. I was, as usual, nervous, but SD#1 was with me again. The ultrasound took an unusually long time, but the technician had a relatively neutral face and was chatting me up about the Raptors, so I wasn’t too worried. That is, until the end, when she said that she wasn’t going to bring my “husband” in to see the results on the screen, because there was something the radiologist needed to look at, and that our nurse would go over everything with us. I immediately knew something was wrong, but tried to remind myself that it could just be some anomaly they needed to look at more closely. As we waited for what felt like an interminable half hour in the waiting room to see the doctor, my thoughts got darker and darker, and were finally confirmed when she told us that the worst case scenario had happened: there was no heartbeat. She rushed through options as I sobbed: wait it out at home (which could take up to two weeks), drugs to stimulate it happening faster (which would still take a few days and may end up having to be taken twice), or a D&C. I opted for the latter, and they scheduled it for three days later; I ended up moving it forward by a day just so I could have it over and done with sooner. I survived a long Uber ride home from the clinic, told my boss I was taking a few days off, called my parents, and they were in Toronto within a few hours. I am really blessed, y’all. I have a lot of really great people in my life who really showed up, texted everyone I’d told so I wouldn’t have to, fed me, cleaned my house, held me while I cried, listened to me talk for hours.

The day of the D&C, I woke up hours earlier than I needed to and cried in bed while I said goodbye to the little embryo inside of me (or fetus; the line when they “graduate” is 9 weeks, which is exactly how far along I was, so it’s a little blurry). The clinic staff could not have been kinder or taken better care of me. When I walked into the surgical suite and got on the table (already doped up on a mixture of Ativan and Gravol), it was freezing and I started shaking uncontrollably, and sobbing. My doctor, for whom I will forever be grateful, slid her stool up to the end of the table, put my feet on her knees and her hands on my feet and just grounded me until the pain meds kicked in enough to put me out. It was the kindest and most compassionate gesture in the midst of one of the most terrible moments of my life. I woke up an hour or so later in the recovery room, and we made our way home. All I could focus on for the rest of the day (in between sleeping off the meds) was that one moment I had been pregnant, and then 10 minutes later, I wasn’t. It was over.

The last few days have been a hazy blend of crying, praying, calm moments of knowing I’ll be okay, a very modest amount of retail therapy, fear of all the things this means for my future, ruminations on the terrible moments, a ton of supportive texts from the wider group of people I’d told, a whole lot of support from my closest humans, and doing/planning all the things I can’t/won’t do when I’m pregnant. I had a poke bowl with double salmon. I had a cider—my first drink since November—accompanied by a charcuterie plate. My dear friend brought me to Wonderland to ride all the biggest rollercoasters, in the front car for maximum terror, where I screamed my grief and fears into the wind. And I finally walked into the tattoo shop, with the encouragement and accompaniment of another dear friend, to get a consult on the tattoo I’ve been thinking about for over a year.

Here are a few of the things I know: as strange as this may sound, I prayed for this. I prayed that if this wasn’t a healthy baby, that my pregnancy would end sooner rather than later, because that felt like it would be infinitely easier to cope with. I know that I am surrounded by people who are going to support me through this. I know that I have a lot of tools, and that I will be okay. I also know that I know a lot of people who have been through a miscarriage, or several, and went on to have healthy babies.

One of the things I’ve said over the past few days is that this feels kind of like a breakup: right now, it sucks and is immeasurably painful and sad. And every day, it will keep getting a little easier. Unlike a breakup, though, which somehow feels intensely personal even though pretty much every single human over the age of 13 on the planet has been through it, this does not feel like a personal experience. Yes, I am personally in pain. But knowing that so many women have gone through their own version of this, that I am somehow part of a collective pain, has been immensely comforting. It’s a shitty club to be in, but God am I grateful not to be in it alone.

#singlefeminist #choicemom #pregnancyloss #miscarriage

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