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wearethepotemkin · 4 months

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Roast Chicken Dinner with Julia Child’s Asperges au Naturel [Boiled Asparagus], Sauce Mornay, and boiled potatoes

Recipes from Mastering the Art of French Cooking used in this meal:

Sauce Velouté (57) Sauce Mornay (61) Asperges au Naturel [Boiled Asparagus – hot] (436) Roast Chicken pan sauce (242) (ack, never mind!)

Other recipes:

Ina Garten’s Perfect Roast Chicken

Frontmatter: So here’s a confession: I’m pretty hopeless with sauces, and a real dummy with carving a bird. I’ve been playing at roasting birds for 15 years, and making a complete cock-up of the final presentation the whole while. I’m afraid to cut into bone, and while I can roast a bird to perfection, the second I try to cut between the leg and the whatever, the drumstick bone rips out, or I shred the breast meat, or do some other stupid crap and then I lose my place and just start hacking away at the poor bird, and it all just looks like a giant pile of carrion remains in the end. And everyone’s really nice because it still tastes great, but then I get scared off it for a bit, and in my head, and then try again in a few months, and watch Jacque Pepin carve a bird, and a dozen other videos on You Tube, and look at old diagrams and drawings, and I come to my perfectly roasted and rested bird with a new plan and e voila, I fuck it up again and we eat a weird pile of delicious meat that looks like a drunkard shoveled it out of a gutter before it was attacked by wild dogs. Again.

Oh and I have no idea what wings are for or why anyone would care, so those just go in my next batch of stock. Which seems like a waste. But like who wants the wings off a roast chicken? Anyone? Someone must.

And I’ve never mastered the basics of sauces, so I follow recipes, but they’re not building on skills or knowledge. Every sauce is its own thing, not, oh it’s an ‘x’ but with vinegar instead of lemon juice. Like I can remember cocktail proportions that way. I know my Mai Tai in relationship to proportions of a Margarita, replace half the orange with orgeat, etc. So I know my brain can do that. But I’ve never learned my basic sauces, and so I can’t do it with sauces. Yet. Enter my cunning plan.

It’s to get better at stuff. My cunning plan is to learn shit and get better at stuff.

So, I’m going to spend some time with the OGFC, Julia Child to try to learn her basic sauces to build from there.

Toward that end, tonight I’ll attempt TWO, eh like 2.5, JC recipes from Mastering the Art of French Cooking: Asperges au Naturel [Boiled Asparagus] (peel that shit, the JC way, whether I think it matters or not {and I don’t}), a Sauce Mornay out of a Sauce Velouté which I think will be nice on asparagus and some simple boiled potatoes I’m making. I’m also going to roast a chicken, but I’m not going to do one of Julia’s roast chickens. Look, they sound great, but require basting and turning like constantly (like, I don’t know how you keep the oven temp up you’re basting it and turning it so much), and Ina Garten’s roast chicken turns out incredible for me every time and it’s a real leave-it-alone-and-let-the-magic-happen kinda deal which works for me when I’m trying to learn a basic ass sauce that everyone else already knows how to make. Plus I gotta lemon, head of garlic that’s getting old, and some fresh thyme I really wanna shove up there. There’s a certain catharsis to it. But I’m gonna use Julia’s pan sauce method instead of Ina’s gravy, which means adding carrots to the pan I’m roasting the bird in, then sauteing minced shallots in the pan juices while the chicken rests, deglazing with more chicken stock, reducing, and adding butter.

But I’ll try to carve it for the I-don’t-knowth time after watching Julia and Jacques and a bunch of other videos and I’ll see if it goes any better this time around.

So here we go!

Barefoot Contessa aka Ina Garten’s Roast Chicken

Sidebar: Links to my favorite relatively fuss-free roast chickens:

This one from Ina is great too, but Luke doesn’t so much truck with fennel, so I don’t do this one anymore:

If you don’t want to stuff your bird full of the aromatics, try Jacque Pepin’s Skillet Roasted Chicken with Natural Juices

Jacques Pepin’s Basic Roast Chicken | New York Times

or Matty Matheson’s easy-ass no-truss bird that cooks in like 45-60 minutes.

Matty Matheson: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner | It’s Suppertime for Munches / Vice: (7:19 for the roast chicken)

Just go to her site. It’s really one of the easiest and most consistently good recipes for roast chicken I’ve ever tried. Are there better out there, yeah probably. If I’m making simple sides, I’ll experiment with something more fussy, but this is the one to make if you want to focus on your sides or if you’re making other things that need to be watched closely.

I added some carrots to the pot, and I use the carrots and onions to lift the chicken off the bottom a little bit. Then I usually add a ¼ cup of water or stock to the bottom of the pot when it’s got about 20 minutes to go. Oh, and the cook time in my oven is usually about an hour 20 minutes instead of 30. That’s when my thigh temp hits 165.

Bird goes in the oven, 425 for 80-90 minutes.

Boiled Potatoes – no recipe!

The last of the garden baby potatoes for the year were starting to sprout. And these only lasted this long because I think they were small russet potatoes and the skins were ugly, so I peeled those, boiled them in salted water, threw in some butter and salt, chuffed them a little, and stuck a dish towel over them until ready to serve. Just tossed in the microwave for 45 seconds so I could get these out of the way early to focus on the other stuff. Served with some minced parsley and sauce mornay. Could have done without the latter, but we’ll get to that.

Asperges au Naturel [Boiled Asparagus – hot] (Child 436)

Julia says “We have tested every asparagus cooking method we have heard of—peeled, unpeeled, boiled butts, steamed tips—and can say categorically that the freshest, greenest, and most appetizing asparagus is cooked by the French method” (435). So…. There ya go.

Sidebar: Yeah, that wasn’t working, but the peeler did fine. Maybe not on really fat asparagus, but then just do another couple of passes on the super fat end. Have a good peeler, use that shit. Made quick work of it.

To do this, I have to peel. Julia says the peeler will do me no good as it doesn’t go deep enough. She says “hold the butt end up” and “peel off the outer skin with a sharp, small knife, going as deep as 1/16 of an inch at the butt in order to expose the tender, moist flesh” (435). Then “gradually make the cut shallower until you come up to the tender green portion near the tip. Shave off any scales which cling to the spear below the tip” and then wash the peeled spears in cold water, and drain.

Then you line them up so the tips are in the same place, and tie them in bundles of about 3 ½” with string in two places, and cut off the butts to even everything out. But leave a couple spears out of the bundles so you can test for doneness. (Which I forgot to do.)

And if you’re doing this ahead of time, which I am, set them upright in ½” of cold water, cover with a plastic bag, and refrigerate.

HOLD UNTIL THE BIRD IS RESTING.

Then in a pot big enough that you can put the asparagus bunches in horizontally, in enough boiling salted water to cover the bundles:

Sidebar: Uhm, I did this for 8 minutes, and I still think I over-cooked them a little. Can’t imagine what nearly twice that would have done.

Boil slowly, uncovered, for 12-15 minutes, until a knife pierces the butt end easily. The spears “should bend a little, but should not be limp or droopy. Eat the loose spear to test for doneness” (437).

Sidebar: Yeah, this was genius. I mean, I’m always scrambling to get green veg done in the end so it doesn’t get cold. Will use this again for sure. Probably could have worked for the potatoes too.

Cut and remove the strings. If not using right away, they will keep warm for 20-30 minutes covered with a napkin. Put asparagus on a platter, then place that platter on top of the water you boiled the asparagus in, then put a napkin on the asparagus. She says.

Sauce Velouté, medium consistency (57) and Sauce Mornay (61)

The great sauce journey begins here. Bear with me, I’m learning, and I’m trying to learn with Julia.

The White Mother Sauces “stem from those two cousins, béchamel and velouté. Both use a flour and butter roux as a thickening agent but béchamel is a milk based sauce while the velouté has a fish, meat, or poultry base” read: stock (54), which is the version I’ll be doing today.

Thin Sauce or soup 1 Tb per cup of liquid Medium, general purpose sauce 1-1/2 Tb flour per cup of liquid Thick sauce 2 Tb flour per cup of liquid Soufflé base 3 Tb flour per cup of liquid

And then the mornay sauce is a medium consistency velouté or béchamel with swiss cheese, or a combination of swiss and parmesan mixed in after the original sauce is completed.

2 T butter 3 T flour 2 cups boiling stock Salt and white pepper

Instructions for Sauce Veloute from Mastering the Art of French Cooking (57):

Sidebar: Maybe my low heat is lower than Julia’s. But I had to turn this up to a medium-low to get anything to happen here. Or maybe the time here really depends on the kind of pot. I was using an enameled cast iron pot, so I upped that temp a bit. Eventually there was some light frothing, but it took forever to get there at low.

1) In a heavy bottomed [at least] 6-cup saucepan, melt the butter over low heat. Blend in the flour, and cook slowly, stirring, until the butter and flour froth together for 2 minutes without coloring. This is now a white roux.

Sidebar: Is it supposed to smell like butter cookies? I’ve heard popcorn, but mine really smelled like cookies. Hmmm.

2) Remove roux from heat. As soon as roux has stopped bubbling, pour in all the [boiling chicken stock] at once. Immediately beat vigorously with a wire whip to blend liquid and roux, gathering in all bits of roux from the inside edges of the pan.

3) Set saucepan over moderately high heat and stir with the wire whip until the sauce comes to a boil. Boil for 1 minute, stirring.

4) Remove from heat, and beat in salt and white pepper.

Now we’re gonna turn that into the Sauce Mornay with the addition of the following:

¼ cup swiss coarsely grated ¼ cup parmesan finely grated Pinch nutmeg Pinch cayenne (optional) 1-2T softened additional butter (optional)

1) Take the sauce veloute you made, and right after it has boiled for one minute, while it is still hot, remove from the heat and beat in the cheeses until melted and blended with the sauce.

2) Season to taste with salt, pepper, nutmeg, and optional cayenne.

3) Off heat, and just before serving, stir in optional additional butter a bit at a time, if using. (I didn’t.)

If not using right away, you can pour a thin layer of melted butter, or stock over the top to keep it from skinning over.

Julia’s Pan Sauce for the roasted chicken (242):

½ Tb minced shallots 1 cup chicken stock Salt and pepper 1-2 Tb softened butter

1) While the chicken is resting, scoop the onions and carrots that are left in the roasting pan out, leaving as much liquid as possible.

2) Remove all but two Tablespoons of fat from the pan. Stir in the minced shallots and cook slowly for 1 minute. Add the stock and boil rapidly over high heat, scraping up coagulated roasting juices with a wooden spoon and letting liquid reduce to about ½ cup.

3) Season with salt and pepper

Sidebar: This is where I fucked up and just scrapped the whole thing. I was distracted trying to carve the bird, and added the butter in all at once with the pan still on the heat, and it never came together. Looked like a nice reduction until I added the butter. So yeah, do that part slowly or you’ll have a broken fatty mess. I did not serve this.

4) Off-heat, and just before serving, swirl in the enrichment butter by bits until it has been absorbed.

5) Pour a spoonful of the sauce over the chicken, and send the rest to the table in a sauceboat

It’s off the menu. Let’s say no more about it.

Carve my damn chicken.

So I think I watched all the videos again today, plus a few more. And I think I know where I’ve been going wrong, but I was focused on the task and didn’t take any pictures.

But here are my favorite videos for learning:

Jacques Pepin Techniques: How to Carve a Roast Chicken

But here’s the thing: so easy, so fast, watched it a dozen times, but honestly he goes so fast that I need some more help.

Chris Carves a Roast Chicken | From the Test Kitchen | Bon Appetit

This one may have helped me the most this time around because he really slows down to show you the parts where you’re exploring the joints with the knife to find those connection points.

Then there’s this:

At 21:26 you can see how a Fak carves a chicken, I guess.

Here’s some notes. I let this bird rest for 20 minutes, and I think it could have gone another 10. It was still very hot, and I rushed my pan sauce and fucked it because my bird rest timer went off, and I could have ignored that and saved my pan sauce. So 30 minutes is not too long for a 5 pound bird.

Dinnertime

Roast Chicken Dinner with Julia Child’s Asperges au Naturel [Boiled Asparagus], Sauce Mornay, roast chicken pan sauce, and boiled potatoes

So, how did it all go?

Well I think the chicken carving turned out way better than usual. I wasn’t serving it to a bunch of people, and Luke and I both wanted thigh and leg tonight, so that’s what I plated, and I didn’t bother to separate them, and I think it doesn’t quite look like a drunken monkey did it. The breasts came off fine, though perhaps I still left a lot of scrap behind, and the meat shredded a bit. The breasts were slightly overcooked as I let the chicken go in the oven the full 90 minutes, when I knew from last time I should have taken it out at 80. Not a huge deal. They sliced up nicely for leftovers.

Chicken was fucking great, even without the pan gravy. Good job Ina and good job me.

The asparagus was good, not great. I’m not sure why I would peel it, but Julia says it’s best that way.

Here’s the thing: we’ve improved vegetables a lot, even the ones we just get at basic ass stores. Has the skin on asparagus gotten less tough in the last 50 years? I kinda think maybe. I think I’m going to stick with sautéing nice thin asparagus in oil in a really hot pan. I’ll try this again when I can only get big fat asparagus. Or I won’t because I don’t love big fat asparagus.

The mornay sauce was pretty bland. I tasted it, and maybe it needed more salt, or maybe more cheese, but mostly I think it wasn’t a great pairing with the asparagus, which needed something with more vinegar I think. I thought the swiss would work with the asparagus and potatoes, but it didn’t taste like swiss. It seemed on the sweet side, and still smelled like cookies. I’ll keep working on it, and try to bring the leftover sauce back and incorporate it into a pasta with cheese, adding more cheese. Not sure what to use this sauce for, or if I made it right. But it wasn’t quite right for this.

I watched a couple videos. I don’t think my roux was cooking hot enough. I think I needed a more vigorous cook when it was the flour and the butter, but Julia said low, so low and slow I went. I’ll keep learning, but this wasn’t the shit, it was… I swear it was cookie dough. Luke thought maybe I used his Krusteaz pancake mix which we did totally have in an unlabeled Tupperware under the counter, but I know I filled my flour container from the bag and labeled it with my OCD labelmaker. Still, it was weird. And probably wrong.

Potatoes were perfect, and because they were tiny russet babies they soaked up all the chicken juices, just parsley and salt and butter. Great little potatoes I grew. Good job me again.

Nice fucking dinner, basically. But the asparagus and the mornay sauce were meh at best.

New Segment

I’ve been working on a sort of post cooking project emotional check in on a four point scale based on how motivated I feel to treat, challenge, or punish myself in the end. It goes like this:

4: Feel great, up to new challenges. I’ll make a new cocktail I’ve never tried before, and document it in another post here.

3: Feel pretty good, but not especially inspired. I’ll make a classic comfort cocktail I know by heart. Old Fashioned, Manhattan, Negroni, etc.

2: I’m OK, but whooped and can do no more. I’ll have a glass of wine or a beer, a straight whiskey, a Rum and Coke or a G&T.

1: I’m really feeling pretty fucked up about the whole thing and not good about myself at all. Like I don’t deserve good. I only deserve bad. I’ll take a shot of Malort. And I’ll have a good long think about what I’ve done.

0: I’m actually dead. The recipe finished me off. I can drink nothing and have put myself to bed. Done because me chefed too menny.

Tonight I had a beer. I wasn’t whooped, but none of the experiments turned out great. My chicken carving went better than ever before, so that was pretty dope. I still don’t know what the deal is with chicken wings.

Goodnight!

Citation

Child, Julia, Louisette Bertholle, and Simone Beck. Mastering the Art of French Cooking. 1961. 40th Anniversary ed., Knopf, 2009.

Garten, Ina. “Perfect Roast Chicken.” Barefoot Contessa, 1999, https://barefootcontessa.com/recipes/perfect-roast-chicken

I’m not gonna keep doing the thing where I put the whole ingredient list down at the bottom. Y’all can read. It’s all up there.

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tgablissortonn · 6 months

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surprisingly, most of not all parts of turtles are eaten and are edible. when it comes to the shell, mostly the soft shell turtles are used for consumption.

along with their eggs, however this is considered dangerous due to salmonella. they are quite healthy however.

turtles have been eaten for allegedly 400,000 years. “Researchers have uncovered evidence of turtle specimens at the 400,000-year-old Qesem Cave site, indicating that early humans enjoyed eating turtles in addition to large game and vegetal material. The research provides direct evidence of the relatively broad diet of early Paleolithic people.”

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/02/160201151657.htm#:~:text=Researchers%20have%20uncovered%20evidence%20of,diet%20of%20early%20Paleolithic%20people.

this practice in today’s time is mostly common in east asian countries, with dishes such as turtle soup being considered delicacy in china and singapore.

although it made its way to england in the 18th century. in england, sea turtles would be imported and kept alive in large quantities being used originally for roasted and boiled turtle. a recipe for turtle soup appeared in the mid 18th century and it rose to popularity. this was done by Samuel Birch, and Giles Rose explained: “Take your tortoises and cut off their heads and feet and boyl them in fair water, and when they are almost boyl'd, put to them some white wine, some sweet herbs, and a piece of bacon, and give them a brown in the frying pan with good butter, then lay upon your bread a-steeping in good strong broth, and well-seasoned; garnish the dish with green sparrow-grass [asparagus] and lemon over it." turtles were in high demand in this period, and due to this, the species of green turtle being used’s population was dropping rapidly. these turtles were mainly imported from the west indies and were one of the most popular and expensive soups of the 18th/19th centuries.

in the USA, snapping turtles are commonly used for their eat in turtle soup, rather than the green sea turtle or the soft shell turtle.

personally, i would taste turtle meat out of curiosity, but i wouldn’t find myself actively eating turtle regularly due to my morals. although it feels odd to me to eat turtle organs and shells, i would still try them, but i would never touch them again. i cannot picture that parts of turtles or turtle meat tastes good despite how popular it is. it is apparently reminiscent of shrimp, chicken, pork and many others. the texture is described to be mushy and chewy, which disgusts me the most, i dislike mushy textures so i wouldn’t find it to be a delicacy.

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comrade-meow · 3 years

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This is a transcript of a speech by developmental biologist Dr Emma Hilton delivered on 29 November 2020 for the ‘Feminist Academics Talk Back!’ meeting. This talk was originally published by womentalkback.org

Sex denialists have captured existing journals We are dealing with a new religion

Thank you for the invitation to speak today, as a feminist academic fighting back.

As ever, let’s begin with a story. And, trust me, by the end of this talk, you’re going to know a lot more about creationism that you expected:

1. In the 1920s, in concert with many other American states, the Tennessee House of Representatives passed the Butler Act, making it illegal for state public schools to: “teach any theory that denies the Story of the Divine Creation of man as taught in the Bible.” In other words, banning schools from teaching the theory of evolution.

Three months later, Tennessee science teacher John Scopes was on trial, charged with teaching the theory of evolution, a crime he was ultimately found guilty of. He was fined £71 – about £1064 in today’s money – so it could have been an expensive affair for him, had he not got off on a really boring administrative technicality.

Yet, despite the evidence against him and his own confession, he was an innocent man. Scopes was not guilty of teaching the theory of evolution. He admitted to a crime he had not committed. He even coached his students in their testimonies against him. So why would he admit to this wrongdoing of which he was entirely innocent? Why would he contrive apparent guilt? In protest. In protest against a law he viewed as fundamentally incompatible with the pursuit of scientific truth.

2. The history of creationism and education laws in the US is turbulent and often opaquely legalese, especially for those of us unfamiliar with US law. Some of the methods of the wider creationist movement, however, will be immediately recognisable as they are employed by a new movement, one which seeks to erase another scientific truth, the fact of sex.

Method 1. The framing of human classifications, whether it’s species or sex, as “arbitrary”. This leads to the premise that such phenomena are “social constructs” that need not exist if we chose to reject them. That truth must be relative and consensual. Never mind that these “arbitrary” classifications appear to be surprisingly similar classifications across all cultures and civilisations.

It also necessarily spotlights tricky boundary cases – not really a personal problem for the long-dead evolutionary missing links, but a very real problem in the modern world for people whose sex is atypical and who are constantly invoked, even fetishized, as “not males” or “not females” to prove sex classification is somehow no more than human whimsy.

People with DSDs have complex and often traumatic medical histories, perhaps struggling to understand their bodies, and they deserve more respect than to be casually and thoughtlessly used as a postemodernist “gotcha” by the very people so horribly triggered by a pronoun.

Method 2. The distortion of science and the development of sciencey language to create a veneer of academic rigour. Creationists invented “irreducible complexity” and “specified complexity” while Sex denialists try to beat people over the head with their dazzling arrays of “bimodal distributions arranged in n-dimensional space”.

Creationists, unable to publish in mainstream science journals because they weren’t producing, well, science, established their own journals. “Journals”. Sex denialists have captured existing journals – albeit limited to more newsy ones and to occasional editorials and blogs about gender (which is not sex), about how developmental biology is soooo complicated (which does not mean sex is complicated – I mean, the internal combustion engine is complicated but cars still fundamentally go forwards or backwards), about how discussing the biology of sex is mean (OK, good luck with that at your doctor’s surgery). Many such blogs and articles are written by scientists who simultaneously deny sex to their social media audience while writing academic papers about how female fruitflies make shells for their eggs (no matter how queer they are), about the development of ovaries or testes in fish and about how males make sperm.

The current editor-in-chief at Nature, the first female to hold this position, studied sex determination in worms for her PhD, and she now presides over a journal with an editorial policy to insert disclaimers about the binary nature of sex into spotlight features about research on, for example, different death rates in male and female cystic fibrosis patients.

The authors of the studies are not prevaricating or handwaving about sex, but the editorial team is “bending the knee”. I used to research a genetic disorder that was male-lethal – that is, male human babies died early in gestation. I’d love to know if this disclaimer would be applied there.

Method 3. Debate strategies like The Gish Gallop. This method is named for Duane Gish, who is a prominent creationist. What it boils down to is: throw any old argument, regardless of its validity, in quick succession at your opponent and then claim any dismissal or missed response or even hesitation in response as a score for your side. In Twitter parlance, we know this as “sealioning”, in political propaganda as the “firehose of falsehood”, although Wikipedia also suggests that it is covered by the term “bullshit”. So, what about intersex people? what about this article? what about an XY person with a uterus? what about the fa’afafine? what about that article? look at this pretty picture. what about what about whataboutery what about clownfish? The aim is not to discuss or debate, it is to force submission from frustration or exhaustion.

Method 4. The reification of humans as separate from not just monkeys but the rest of the living world. The special pleading for special descriptions that frame humans as the chosen ones, such that the same process of making new individuals, common to humans and asparagus, an observation I chose because it seems superficially silly – it could have been spinach – requires its own description, one that accounts for gender identity.

3. In the Scopes trial, which saw discussion of whether Eve was actually created from Adam’s rib and ruminations on where Cain got his wife, Scopes was defended by a legal group who had begun scouting for a test case subject as soon as the Tennessee ban was enacted. This legal group claimed to advocate for:

“Freedom of speech for ideas from the most extreme left such as anarchists and socialists, to the most extreme right including the Ku Klux Klan, Henry Ford, and others who would now be considered more toward the Fascist end of the spectrum.”

The legal group so keen to defend the right to speak the truth, in this case a fundamental, observable scientific truth? The American Civil Liberties Union, a group whose modern day social media presence promotes nonsense like:

“The notion of biological sex was developed for the exclusive purpose of being weaponized against people.”

and

“Sex and gender are different words for the same thing [that is] a set of politically and socially contingent notions of embodied and expressed identity.”

and shares articles asserting that biological sex is rooted in white supremacy.

Since the Scopes case, the ACLU have fought against many US laws preventing, or at least compromising, the teaching of evolution. I cannot process the irony of a group of people historically and consistently prepared to robustly defend the truth of evolution while now denying one of the most important biological foundations of evolution.

4. How do we fight this current craze of sex denialism? A major blow for creationism teaching was delivered in 1986 while the US Supreme Court were considering a Louisiana state law requiring creationism to be taught alongside evolution. The Louisiana law was struck down, in part influenced by the expert opinions, submitted to the court, of scientists who put aside their individual and, as one of them has since described “often violent” differences on Theory X and Experiment Y, to present a unified defence of scientific truth over religious belief. 76 Nobel laureates, 17 state academies of science and a handful of scientific organisations all got behind this single cause, and made a very real change.

Support for creationism has slowly ebbed away and the US is in a much more sensible position these days, although I still meet the occasional student from a Southern state who didn’t learn about evolution until college.

Sadly, one of the Nobel laureates has highlighted how unusual this collective response was and that he could not imagine any other issue that would receive the same groundswell of community support. Although he forged his career listening out for the Big Bang, so maybe I need to go through the list and find the biologists.

Part of the problem petitioning biologists to speak out is not necessarily fear of being cancelled or whatever, but simple lack of awareness of the issue, or incredulity that it is being taken remotely seriously. I’ve been working on a legal document and was discussing with a colleague about my efforts to find a citation for the statement, “there are two sexes, male and female”. He laughed at the idea that this would require a citation, told me to check a textbook, then realised that this statement is so simple that it would not even be included in a textbook.

And he’s right. I can find chapters in textbooks and hundreds of academic papers dedicated to how males and females are made, how they develop, how they differ, yet very few that feel the need to preface any of this with the statement “There are two sexes, male and female”. It is apparently something that biologists do not think needs to be said.

But of course, I think they are wrong, and that we live in a time where it does need to be said, where some aspects of society are being restructured around a scientific untruth, and where females will suffer.

Without recognition of and language to describe our anatomy, and the experiences that stem from that anatomy, mostly uninvited, we can neither detect nor measure things like rates of violence against women, the medical experiences, the social experiences of women and girls.

And, as for creationism, the reality of sex perhaps needs to be said by those with scientific authority, in unambiguous terms. Otherwise, we are living in a society that tolerates nonsense like there is no such thing as male or female, that differences evident to our own eyes are not real, that anatomies readily observable and existing in monkey and man alike do not actually exist. I’m sure this last assertion has the full support of the creationist community. And perhaps, as for creationism, a true tipping point will be tested when it is our children being taught these scientific untruths, or worse, when it is illegal to say different.

5. At the end of his trial, the only words Scopes uttered in court were these:

“Your honor, I feel that I have been convicted of violating an unjust statute. I will continue in the future, as I have in the past, to oppose this law in any way I can. Any other action would be in violation of my ideal of academic freedom—that is, to teach the truth as guaranteed in our constitution, of personal and religious freedom.”

I do not exaggerate when I say we are dealing with a new type of religion, a new form of creationism and a new assault on scientific truth. I also do not exaggerate when I say it may take a high profile court case to rebalance the public discourse around sex. There is only so far letters and opinion articles can go.

Two things I predict: 1. It will not be defended by the ACLU, and 2. With the recent proposals on hate speech law, it will probably involve a Scottish John Scopes, who finds themself in front of a judge for the seditious crime of discussing the sex life of asparagus at their dinner table.

Dr Emma Hilton is a developmental biologist studying aspects of human genetic diseases, and her current research focuses on a congenital motor neurone disease affecting the genitourinary tract, and on respiratory dysfunction in cystic fibrosis. She teaches reproduction, genes, inheritance and genetic disorders. Emma has a special interest in fairness in female sports. A strong advocate for women and girls, Emma tweets as @FondofBeetles.

#Anglo.txt

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rhosyn-du · 3 years

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Never make a mess when a total catastrophe will do - Chapter Six

Pairings: Jimon, past Clace, background Clizzy, a bunch of other minor background pairings Rating: Explicit Art: @cor321 Beta: @all-thestories-aretrue Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, fake dating, oh my god they were roommates, friends with benefits, idiots to lovers, pining, miscommunication, holidays, drinking games, mistletoe, symbolically significant Oreos, domestic fluff, brief mention of past character death, Jace’s self-worth issues deserve their own tag Summary: What do you do when you find out your sister is not only dating your ex and love-of-your-high-school-life but is also bringing her home for Christmas? Bring your annoying, hot, annoyingly-hot roommate as your fake boyfriend to show them you're totally fine with it, obviously! There's no possible way this could backfire. Link: AO3 , Tumblr Master Post

Chapter Six

The irritation had been building all day, like sand rubbing under his skin, and it was especially irritating because Jace knew he didn’t have a good reason for it. Nothing was actually wrong, just a string of little frustrations that hadn’t let up all day, from the ancient coffee maker in their kitchen that didn’t start brewing when it was set to, meaning he had to go to his morning classes without any caffeine, to discovering he’d left his history textbook at home when his professor announced a surprise open-book quiz, right on through to missing his bus home and having to wait forty minutes for the next one, meaning he walked in the door with less than fifteen minutes before his friends were supposed to show up at his place for a group study session.

“Oh, hey,” Simon said when he walked through the door. “You’re home. I was starting to wonder if I got the day wrong and we weren’t having people over tonight, but then Bat texted asking if he should bring Spicy Ranch Doritos—which, obviously—so I figured you were probably just running late, which it turns out you were.”

“Excellent observational skills.” Jace tossed his bag onto the couch, not looking at Simon, and headed for the kitchen, intending to grab a beer from the fridge. Except when he opened it, there weren’t any left, and he realized he’d completely forgotten to go to the store the day before, because of course he had.

He slammed the refrigerator door shut, taking out his frustration on the appliance. It wasn’t as satisfying as he’d hoped.

“Everything okay?”

Jace spun around to find Simon in the doorway, watching him with an expression that held both wariness and concern.

“Everything’s peachy.”

“Yeah, I can tell,” Simon said mildly. “You definitely use the word ‘peachy’ in casual conversation when things are going great.”

Jace took a deep breath, let it out slowly. “Look, I’ve had a shitty day, all right? I’ve had a shitty day, and we’re out of beer, and I don’t need you trying to get me to talk out my feelings or whatever it is you’re trying to do right now.”

“Okay,” Simon agreed. “What do you need?”

Jace blinked. “What?”

“You don’t need to talk about your shitty day,” Simon said, moving into the kitchen to lean on the counter next to him. “So what do you need? Lily’s bringing beer, so that’s already taken care of.”

It should have been a simple question to answer, but Jace wasn’t used to people asking what he needed. Jace wasn’t used to considering what he needed.

“I don’t know.”

“What about a distraction?” Simon offered.

“A distraction,” Jace repeated, skeptical.

“Yeah.” Simon was grinning as he hooked his fingers through Jace’s belt loops and pulled their bodies together. “A distraction.”

Jace licked his lips, dropped his eyes to Simon’s mouth. “People are going to be here in eight minutes.” He didn’t have any objections to spending those eight minutes making out with Simon.

Simon’s grin widened. “Guess I’d better work fast, then.”

And then he dropped to his knees.

Jace sucked in a sharp breath as Simon popped the button on his jeans. “What are you doing?”

“I know you’ve had a shitty day,” Simon said, pulling down Jace’s fly, “but you can’t be that out of it.”

Jace let out a soft laugh and let himself slump back against the refrigerator door as Simon took out his rapidly-plumping cock and worked him to full hardness with his hands and mouth.

He was used to Simon teasing, giving him almost enough and then pulling back until he was desperate with it. This was the opposite, with every touch, every lick and swallow driving him relentlessly toward the edge, the frustration of his day bleeding away as Simon blew him with expert efficiency.

In almost no time at all, Jace was struggling to keep his legs under him as he felt his balls start to draw up, and he was so close—

And that was when Simon, the absolute fucker, pulled off his dick to remark with far more casualness than the situation called for, “Did you lock the door when you got home? Because people are going to be here, like, any second.”

Then his mouth was back on Jace’s dick, swallowing him down like it was his job, and Jace was cursing because no, he hadn’t locked the door and any second their friends could walk in and see—Jace, desperate and falling apart; Simon, swollen red lips wrapped around Jace’s cock taking him apart—and that was—it was—

There was a sharp knock on the door, and Jace came with a strangled shout.

Simon worked him through it, pulling back only when a second knock sounded at the door. “Be there in just a minute,” he called, sounding far too composed for someone who’d just given fucking fantastic blowjob.

Simon stood, pressing a quick kiss to Jace’s lips before saying, “Somehow, I just knew you’d have a bit of an exhibitionism kink,” and heading for the door, leaving Jace to fumble his pants closed and try look like he hadn’t just had his brain sucked out through his dick.

“You all right, man?” Bat greeted him as he entered the kitchen, arms loaded with far too many bags of Doritos for six people.

“Uh,” Jace said intelligently.

“Heard you shouting and I figured you must’ve hurt yourself. You were pretty loud.”

“I heard you down the hall,” Maureen added from the living room.

“Yeah, just stubbed my toe,” Jace lied, heading out to the living room. “Somebody left his stats book on the floor, and I tripped.”

Simon flashed him a shit-eating grin. Jace had a hard time not staring at his lips, still red and slightly puffy. “You should really be more careful.”

“Going to go help Maia bring stuff up from her car,” Maureen announced, holding up her phone. “Be right back.”

“You do know,” Jace told Simon in a low voice, “that I’m going to get payback for that, right?”

Simon’s smile grew smug. “Yeah. I do.”

After an hour of going over his notes and rehashing the earlier quiz with Lily, Jace was feeling much better about his history class, and even had some ideas for his end-of-term paper. They all took a break when the pizza they’d ordered arrived, and Jace found himself squeezed between Lily and Simon on the couch.

“So,” Lily said around a mouthful of pepperoni and cheese, “you two ready for your big wedding performance this weekend? Please say no, because I’ve still got fifty bucks riding on you not making it through this without panicking.”

“Your concern is so touching,” Jace said. “I really don’t know what I’d do without such supportive friends.”

“Based on what I saw the night we met, you’d spend a lot more time getting drinks thrown in your face by girls whose names you forgot,” Maia said.

“I did not forget her name,” Jace protested. “I hit on her girlfriend.”

“Not actually better,” Maureen observed.

“Okay, one, I had no idea they were dating, and two, not my fault she flirted back.”

“Just try not to get any drinks thrown in your face at cousin Rachel’s wedding,” Simon said, patting his knee condescendingly. And then left it there, like it was totally normal for him to touch Jace casually like this in front of their friends.

“Would it be cheating if I bribed Simon’s sister to take someone Jace hooked up with as her plus one?” Lily asked.

Jace thought she really didn’t need to. He was already panicking.

“Yes,” said Maia and Bat at the same time Simon said, “Oh god, please don’t.”

“You guys are no fun,” Lilly pouted, reaching for another slice of pizza.

“Speaking of Becky,” Maia said with affected casualness, “I was wondering if you could tell her—”

“Give me your phone,” Simon interrupted, holding out his hand. This had the effect of removing his hand from Jace’s knee, and Jace tried not to miss it.

“Sure,” Maia said slowly, pulling her phone out of her pocket. “Why do you need my phone?”

Simon took the phone and pulled up Maia’s contacts. “So you just text my sister instead of asking me to be your messenger pigeon.” He passed the phone back. “Or call her. I’m not picky as long as I don’t have to be involved.”

Maia stared at the phone for a few seconds, then shrugged and put it back in her pocket with a sigh. “Yeah, okay. Fair. I guess I can, like, be an adult about this or something.”

“Good,” Simon said, his hand making its way back to Jace’s knee. No one else seemed to notice, and Jace tried not to react. “Please do it before Sunday so I don’t have to listen to Becky failing to be subtle about asking about you.”

Maia bit back a grin. “She asks about me?”

“Who wants to place bets on how long it takes Maia to actually call this girl?” Lily asked.

~~~

“Okay, you need to turn down the charm a little bit or I think Bubbe Helen is actually going to try to adopt you,” Simon said as Jace returned from his sixth dance with Simon’s grandmother. Jace didn’t think Simon needed to know that she’d used every one of those to grill him on his family, his plans for the future, his intentions toward her grandson.

“Just tell her you’re not into incest,” Jace told him, eliciting a gagging noise from Becky, the only one of Simon’s relatives still sitting at the table with them.

“Your boyfriend is gross,” Becky informed Simon, stabbing a spear of asparagus from her plate.

Jace grinned at her. “Simon wanted me to turn down the charm. I’m just trying to be accommodating.” He grabbed Simon’s hand and lifted it to his lips to kiss his knuckles. It was something they’d been doing all day, exchanging little gestures of affection like they couldn’t quite keep their hands off each other. Which was actually kind of true in Jace’s case.

It had started during the ceremony, Jace bumping Simon’s shoulder when he noticed him start to tear up during the vows. He’d meant it to be lightly teasing, but Simon had simply flashed him a watery smile and taken his hand, lacing their fingers together. Jace’s stomach had made an odd little flip and he’d squeezed Simon’s hand, and they just...hadn’t stopped touching each other. All through the rest of the ceremony and reception, it was a stream of constant little touches that made Jace wish for things he couldn’t have, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to stop touching either.

It didn’t help that Simon looked really good in a suit.

“That’s playing dirty,” Becky huffed. “I can’t hate you when you make my brother smile like that.”

“It’s all part of my devious plan.” He threw a sideways glance at Simon, hoping to catch the smile only to find him glaring daggers at his sister.

“Aww,” Becky cackled, “are you embarrassed? That’s adorable.”

“Embarrassed that you’re my sister? Yes.”

“Consider it payback for your presence throughout my entire adolescence.”

Jace leaned in. “Is there a story here? It sounds like there’s a story.”

“Dude, don’t encourage her.”

Becky leaned back in her chair, a predatory gleam in her eyes. “I have so many stories.”

“Oh, look.” Simon said, standing suddenly and pulling Jace along with him. “There’s Aunt Ruth. We should really go say hi.”

“I’ll still have stories to tell your boyfriend when you get back,” Becky called after them. “Jace, ask him about the llamas!”

Jace followed Simon, barely holding in his laughter as they ducked through the crowd of wedding guests, and then through an unobtrusive door that led out into an empty hallway.

“I’m so sorry about her,” Simon said, finally turning to face him and looking genuinely apologetic.

Jace shook his head. “Don’t be. I was having fun. I can see why Becky and Maia get along so well.”

“Because they’re both more than happy to tell embarrassing stories about me?” Simon joked.

“Can you blame them? It is pretty fun to watch you get all worked up.”

“You do seem to enjoy getting me worked up,” Simon agreed with a quirk of his eyebrows. “But my cousin’s wedding really isn’t the place for that.”

Jace glanced around the empty hallway. This was a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.

He turned back to Simon, a suggestive smile playing across his lips. “You sure about that?”

“Jace.” Simon’s voice was warning even as his eyes flicked to Jace’s lips and back up again.

Jace curled a hand around the back of Simon’s neck. “Because I’m not sure there’s any such thing as a bad place to get you worked up.”

“Literally everyone I’m related to is in the next room,” Simon protested. But he didn’t pull away.

“Fair point,” Jace conceded. He glanced around the hallway, then tried the nearest door. It opened into a room just large enough to not qualify as a closet. Jace raised a questioning eyebrow at Simon.

Simon looked dubiously at the stacks of office supplies that lined one wall, then back at Jace. “How are you so good at convincing me to make bad decisions?” Simon asked before grabbing him by the tie and dragging him into a kiss.

Jace grinned against his mouth as they stumbled into the room. “It’s my superpower. I got bitten by a radioactive advertising executive as a teenager.”

“Fuck,” Simon muttered, kicking the door closed behind them. “You can’t make Spider-Man references when I’m kissing you; that’s cheating.”

“Yeah?” Jace asked, pushing him against the wall that wasn’t occupied by reams of printer paper. “Does it get you hot when I talk nerdy to you?” He tugged at Simon’s shirt, pulling it free from his pants. “Or does everything I do get you hot?”

“Definitely not everything.” Simon nipped along his jaw. “Your ego, for example? Very unattractive.”

“Now you’re just making things up.” He slid a hand down to cup Simon through his pants, and Simon bucked into the touch. “My ego definitely gets you hot.”

“I know—fuck.” He rocked into Jace’s hand again. “I know some guys have trouble separating their egos from their dicks, but I never thought you’d be one of them.”

“Any association between my ego and my dick is well-deserved.” He tugged at Simon’s belt. “Don’t bother trying to argue. We both know it’d be a lie.”

“Yeah, that’s not actually how arguments wo—oh.” Simon cut off, eyes wide, as Jace dropped to his knees.

Jace smirked up at him. “I figure the best way to avoid staining your suit is if you come in my mouth. Unless you’ve got objections.”

“I have exactly zero objections to having your mouth on me.” Simon curled a hand around Jace’s jaw, drawing his thumb along Jace’s bottom lip. “Like, ever.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Jace flicked his tongue out to catch the tip of Simon’s thumb and reached to finish unbuckling his belt.

He froze at the unmistakable sound of the door opening behind him.

Jace’s eyes were trained on Simon’s face, so he saw the emotions play out across it in real time: surprise, then panic, then a slowly dawning horror.

“Bubbe Helen!” Simon’s voice just barely managed to avoid being a squeak. “Hi! We were, uh, we were just—” He looked down at Jace helplessly.

The thing was, Jace had always been good in a crisis. No, that wasn’t exactly right. He’d always been calm in a crisis. Probably as a result of having endured so many starting at such a young age.

So, his gaze and voice were completely steady as he took Simon’s hand in both his own and asked, “Will you marry me?”

He heard a voice behind him that sounded suspiciously like Becky mutter, “Oh my god.”

Simon stared. “Wha—uh. Yes?” His eyes flickered up toward the doorway, then back to Jace. “Yes,” he said more firmly. “I will definitely marry you, which is of course why you’re on your knees right now, and…”

His voice trailed off as Jace pulled his ring—his father’s ring, the only ring he ever wore—off his own finger and slid it onto Simon’s. It was a little loose, but not enough to slide off.

Simon flexed his hand, the fluorescent light above glinting off the brushed platinum. And then he was pulling Jace to his feet and into a kiss that held a decidedly hysterical edge.

The kiss was short-lived, interrupted by a very deliberate throat clearing. Jace kept Simon’s hand clasped firmly in his as he turned around, the metal of the ring pressing into his skin a reminder of what he’d just done.

Bubbe Helen was watching him with a decidedly unimpressed look. Behind her, Becky had a hand clapped over her mouth, smothering what could have been either an overflow of emotion or laughter.

“Young man, did you just propose marriage to my grandson in a storage closet?”

Jace pasted on his best facsimile of a sheepish smile and prepared to lie his ass off.

~~~

“Look, I panicked, okay?”

Outside, rain poured down in heavy sheets, obscuring the passing scenery and dampening any other sounds. It made the inside of the van feel cut off from the rest of the world, like they were alone in their own tiny, bubble universe.

A muscle in Simon’s jaw twitched. “You said that already.” He kept his eyes on the road.

Jace’s eyes fell to the steering wheel, where the soft platinum of his father’s ring still rested on Simon’s finger. “You didn’t have to say yes.”

Simon didn’t respond to that, and Jace wished he could see his eyes, could find even the tiniest clue to what he was thinking. He’d barely said anything since they made their hasty exit from the reception. At least Becky and Bubbe Helen had agreed not to mention Simon’s supposed engagement to his mom until he could tell her himself.

The silence stretched between them as Jace stared out into the blurry downpour. The one saving grace to all of this was that at least no one else knew about it. Their friends would never let them hear the end of it if they found out. And Jace’s family, god, that would be a disaster. Izzy would probably try to plan the whole thing and they’d somehow end up actually married before Jace could even explain the situation to her.

“You know,” Simon said into the silence, “I hated you before I even met you.”

Jace didn’t know what to say to that, didn’t know if there was anything to say to that. That was okay, though, because Simon kept talking.

“Clary’s been my best friend since we were kids. My mom likes to tell the story of how we met on the playground and spent the whole day trying to build a moat around the swing set so no one else could play on it, but I don’t actually remember it. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t friends with Clary. She’s just always been a part of my life. The best part, sometimes.”

He took a deep breath, threw a quick glance at Jace before continuing. “So, of course I fell in love with her.”

The words hit Jace like a punch to the gut, and he was very, very glad Simon’s eyes were back on the road and he couldn’t see the jumble of emotions that Jace was sure were written all over his face.

“We were in sixth grade when I realized,” Simon continued. “I think I’d probably been in love with her for a while, but it just sort of hit me one day that I was just completely and totally gone for her. And it only took me like ten minutes after that to figure out that she didn’t feel the same way about me, but that was okay. I mean, it wasn’t. That kind of thing never is when you’re twelve.” He let out a mirthless laugh. “Or when you’re an adult either, I guess. But it was as okay as it could be because I figured I just had to wait. Clary was the most important person in the world to me, and even though she didn’t love me like I loved her, I knew I was the most important person in her life, too, so I just figured.” He shrugged. “I figured that eventually she’d realize that we could be, you know, more.”

His voice got soft as he continued, “And then she met you.”

Jace sucked in a sharp breath. “Simon, I—”

“I’m glad she did,” Simon interrupted, and he sounded like he meant it. “Even though it sucked at the time. Every time she mentioned you, I just wanted to punch you in the face. Which is why I always made an excuse not to meet you, by the way. I thought if I did and you really were as perfect as she described you, I would actually hit you.”

“I did always wonder about the mysterious best friend who was never around,” Jace said around the odd lump in his throat he couldn’t seem to swallow down. “She talked about you all the time.”

“Yeah?” Simon sounded genuinely surprised. “That’s actually really good to hear. And it makes me even more glad she met you, because her falling for you, even spending so much time with you, it gave me time to get over her.”

The knot in Jace’s throat loosened an inch.

“By the time you guys broke up, I’d actually dated a couple of people who weren’t Clary, and even though I didn’t feel as strongly for any of them as I did for her, I realized that part of what makes our friendship so special is that it is friendship. And I think we might have really fucked that up if we tried to be anything else, so I’m glad we never did, because my friendship with Clary is still one of the best things in my life, and I’m pretty sure it always will be.”

“Is that what you wrote Random Afternoon about? About you and Clary?” It wasn’t what Jace meant to say at all, but he opened his mouth and the words just came tumbling out.

Simon’s let out a soft huff of laughter. “No.” He shook his head. “It’s, uh. It’s not about Clary.”

Jace didn’t understand what was so funny, but he wasn’t going to ask. Just like he wasn’t going to ask who the song was about. Wasn’t going to think about why he cared so much.

“She was my first love, too,” he said instead.

Simon nodded slowly, digesting this information. “I wondered. I mean, when Clary used to talk about you, it sure sounded like you loved her, but once I found out you were, you know, you, I wasn’t so sure anymore.” He was fiddling with the ring, now, twisting it slowly around his finger with his thumb. Jace wondered if he knew he was doing it. “I didn’t think you were a relationship kind of guy.”

“I’m not.” That wasn’t what anyone wanted from him. Even Clary, who really had loved him once upon a time, hadn’t wanted him to stay. And even if someone did want that from him, he was pretty sure now that he wouldn’t know how to give it to them.

“And there hasn’t been anyone since Clary who’s made you reconsider?” Simon’s hands were still on the steering wheel now, his face impassive in the flickering light of passing cars.

Jace thought back to that night weeks ago, when Simon told him that maybe they wouldn’t be a mistake, and just for a second he’d thought—he’d hoped—but of course that wasn’t what Simon had meant.

“No.”

“Of course not. Stupid question.” Simon flashed him a smile, but there was a worried crease between his brows.

The last thing Jace wanted from him was pity, especially over this. “So, tell me about the llamas,” he said, desperate to change the subject.

Simon winced. “Can we just pretend Becky never mentioned llamas?”

“Nope.” Jace grinned. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll get Maia to ask Becky. I’m sure your sister would be happy to share.”

“You’re seriously the worst,” Simon said before launching into a long, involved story about his and Clary’s third grade trip to a llama farm and how Becky had thought it was hilarious to tell them that llamas were venomous.

“So, there I was, just covered in llama spit,” Simon finished as he unlocked their apartment door, “crying my eyes out because I thought was going to die, with Clary shouting at the poor farmhand that her dad was cop and he was going to go to jail for murder. And of course Becky didn’t even get in trouble or apologize. She just started getting me llama-themed birthday gifts.”

“Just so we’re absolutely clear,” Jace snickered, following him inside, “I’m laughing at you, not with you.”

“Which is one of many reasons I should have known better than to let you meet my sister. Speaking of which,” he pulled Jace’s ring off his finger and held it out, “I wouldn’t want to forget to give this back.”

Jace looked at the ring, then back up at Simon, swallowing hard. “You should keep it. Until we break up.” Something flashed in Simon’s eyes, and Jace hurried to correct himself. “Until we tell our families we broke up, I mean. In case you need to, I don’t know, sell the story.”

“Jace, I know what this ring means to you. I can’t just—”

“You can.” He reached out and closed Simon’s fingers over the ring, holding them there. “I trust you to keep it safe.”

Simon stared at him for a long moment, eyes searching. “Okay,” he agreed. “Until we break up.”

Something in Jace’s chest loosened, and he stepped back, letting Simon’s hand drop from his. “Cool. I’m gonna heat up some pizza rolls. You want me to make enough for you?”

“Sure,” Simon said. “Yeah, pizza rolls sound great. Cheeseburger flavor, not triple cheese, though.”

“Obviously,” Jace said, heading to the kitchen. He didn’t think about the ring, or how naked his hand felt without it. Or why it mattered so much to him that Simon agreed to keep it, if only for a little while.

#shadowhunters #shmb2021 #jimon #jimon fic #jace wayland #simon lewis

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lochrannn · 3 years

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AU_gust: Gnab Gib

Read on AO3

No Warnings

prompt no 2: Exotic Vacation

Characters: Diego Hargreeves, Lila Pitts

Relationships: Diego Hargreeves/Lila Pitts

“So, do you want to know where we're going to have dinner tonight?” Lila asked from her lounge chair, where she was just about able to reach Diego's back so she could drag her fingers across his shoulders and occasionally through his hair in an almost gentle caress.

Diego had put a towel on the tiled floor and was lying on the ground next to Lila. It turned out that at his age and with his habit of getting knocked around pretty badly, simply slowing down for a ten day beach holiday was an absolute back killer, so he found the lounge chairs they provided by the hotel pool to be desperately uncomfortable.

“Tell me-eh,” he prompted, dragging out the last vowel with a bit of a sigh as Lila used her fingernails on his scalp.

“You're gonna love it, it's the most exotic place I could think to take you,” Diego could hear the glee in her voice, as she explained, “it's a place called Millyways, it's the restaurant at the end of the universe.”

“Uh huh,” Diego responded distractedly, finding it hard to focus on what she was saying as the tingly sensation her light scratching was causing made him comfortably drowsy.

“Hold on, what? Where's that?” he suddenly burst out, leaning up on his elbows so he could indignantly stare at her amused expression above him, when what Lila had said finally registered with him.

“It's not so much about where, but rather when,” Lila responded mysteriously with a grin, then tweaked his nose playfully, making him flinch away from her.

“You look... really nice... like... damn!” Diego said, staring at Lila, standing next to him in the elevator.

That was a total understatement. She was absolutely stunning. She always looked good, of course, it didn't really matter what she wore, but tonight he could hardly keep his eyes off her.

She was wearing a light gray jumpsuit that could have been mistaken for utilitarian from the back, though even that didn't do anything to diminish how good she looked in it, the cinched waist emphasizing her slender curves very nicely, but the front was where things were really messing with his head. Part of the design was that the neckline went all the way down to somewhere not much above her navel and Diego didn't quite understand the structural mechanics behind it, but so far, maybe a little to his chagrin, she hadn't accidentally flashed him yet, even though she clearly wasn't wearing a bra.

She'd rounded off the look with a pair of earrings that had very thin silver chains hanging off them, and a similar chain hanging down along the entirety of the exposed skin on her torso from a relatively short necklace of the same style. He would have liked to pretend it was the sparkling of her jewelry that kept drawing his eyes back to her.

“Keep it in your pants, Knife Boy,” Lila said mockingly. But she couldn't keep the amusement out of her voice and there was a glint in her eye. If he hadn't known any better, Diego might even have thought that Lila was preening a little. “At least till after dinner,” she added with a wink.

Diego couldn't help but move the Commission briefcase, which they'd borrowed off of Herb in return for the promise of a favor, into his other hand, so he could wrap his now freed up arm around Lila's waist to pull her in for a kiss.

However, just before he could slot his lips against hers, the elevator doors dinged and opened. Lila pushed him off with her hands against his chest and Diego let go of her reluctantly, but not before he was able to give her a quick peck on the cheek. Then he let himself get dragged out of the elevator by Lila, who had grabbed his hand and headed out.

“I think I'll get the salad and a steak with roasted asparagus,” Diego mused as he was looking through the menu.

“Eh, drop the greens, they really don't like it here,” Lila said, not looking up from her own menu.

“Mmhh,” Diego hummed, skimming over the drinks menu. Then he looked over the top of his menu and asked, “Sorry, who doesn't like the greens here?”

“No, the greens don't like it here,” Lila said and whatever confused expression she found on his face made her go on and explain, “It's a whole thing. Just go with the meat. Trust me, if you start an argument with the waiters about it, they'll send out the cows and that's all just really creepy.”

“You know absolutely nothing of what you just said makes any sense, right?” Diego deadpanned but when Lila simply lifted one eyebrow at him, he put his hands up in resignation and said, “Fine! You know the place, I'll go with the meat.”

As they were waiting for their food to arrive, Lila sipping on her Champagne, Diego taking the occasional drink of his club soda, he couldn't help but let his eyes dart around the place to all the different alien creatures surrounding them, and up to the spectacular display outside the glass dome above them, where gigantic celestial bodies were dancing their final dance around each other, causing a spectacular light show.

Then something caught his eye and he turned to Lila to say, “I don't know why I bothered getting all dressed up, that guy over there is wearing a bathrobe.”

Lila quickly glanced at the surprisingly human looking man a few tables down from them and then turned back to Diego to say, a bit sarcastically, “Oh please, you put on a tie, I got dressed up!”

Diego leaned his elbows on the table, so he could get a little closer to Lila where she was sitting on the other side from him and said in a low voice “yeah... you did,” and the sincerity and heat he tried to fill his statement with had the desired effect as, to his absolute delight and Lila's obvious chagrin, he could see from the way she was squirming in her seat that she was blushing. But she clearly didn't mind too much, because from that moment on until they got their food, Lila continuously ran one foot that she'd slipped out of her shoe up and down his calf.

After they finished their meal and the Gnab Gib had reached its climax, Lila talked Diego into having some champagne as well.

She toasted his glass and then said, almost shyly, “Happy anniversary, babe!”

Diego watched her take a sip of her drink and when she caught him staring she squirmed a little. He knew she still wasn't quite used to the domesticity and normality of their relationship and every time she put in the effort nevertheless, he fell in love with her a little bit more.

Diego downed his drink in one big gulp, got up from his chair, picking up the briefcase on the way, reached out a hand to Lila, who was looking at him slightly dumbfounded, and he said, “Right, let's get you back to the hotel, it's time I get a chance to work out how that thing of yours works.” He vaguely waved at the plunging neckline of her jumpsuit.

And as comprehension replaced her surprise, an almost hungry grin stretched across Lila's lips and she took his hand and let him pull her out of her chair and back towards the elevator.

Explanation of the references to The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

#au_gust_2021 #fanfic #tua #the umbrella academy #diego hargreeves #lila pitts #dielila #diego x lila #diego/lila #lochrannn lxd au challenge

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #367

“i should warn you that you may fuck me, but chances are i’m gonna fuck you over”

Where was the last place you went for vacation? The beach. When was the last time you wore makeup? Halloween. Do you watch soaps or drama series? If so, which ones? Not currently. What’s your favourite tomato variety? I hate tomatoes. What was your very first pet like? Dad had a dog named Trigger when I was born, but I have no memory of her, so I'm excluding her. I consider our first family pet to be Chance, a cat my mom took in after finding her literally in the trash. She was... god, incredible. She was a loyal friend, and I can imagine no greater mother than she was (she legit fought off a rottweiler head-on to protect her kittens). She was so smart, so gentle, and just simply amazing. I'll always miss her. What was the best school project you remember doing? Looking back, despite the fact it TERRIFIED me before, that would be my senior project presentation. It was about snake misconceptions and fallacies, so I made a slideshow to present to the special ed class. I made drawings for them to color, word searches, all that kind of stuff. They were just the sweetest and seemed really into it. What’s your favourite type of fish to eat? None. What kind of an old person do you think you’ll become? I really... don't like thinking about this. Like I'm weak enough now at 25, I can't imagine how my, say, 60s would be. I hope and just about pray that my physical health will improve, but I'm just going to exclude that part entirely from this answer. Personality-wise and such, I have a feeling I'll be the quiet and sweet kind, the one that loves her (hopeful) spouse like crazy, and comes most alive on Halloween if I live in a place where children come trick-or-treating. I imagine I would LOVE that. I'd love to be the type that goes on morning jogs to help stay spry. Which well-known person’s death shocked you the most, if any? Steve Irwin and Chester Bennington might be tied. Both were so, so sudden. Steve was like, invincible to my childhood eyes, and when I heard about Chester's death, I thought it was just a sick rumor. Two amazing people that died way too soon. What’s the craziest colour you’d dye your hair? That would depend on personal opinions. I want to dye my hair LOTS of colors though, if that tells you anything. What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? Uhhhh. Idk. Name a video game you can play over and over again: Shadow of the Colossus. It's a pretty short game if you know what you're doing, and it's super relaxing to me and just so goddamn pretty to look at. Every time I've played it has just been a pleasant experience. Do you like meatloaf? Yeah, it's fine. How about Meatloaf? I know who he is, but I've never really listened to his music. Do you take time to do charitable work? If so, what do you do? No. ;_; Especially with all the free time I have, I really should... What is something that will make you laugh instantly? Okay, don't ask, but if I for a SECOND see that commercial of Mr. Clean dancing while he's cleaning, I will die because of memories. What is something you hope you will never inherit from a specific relative? Diabetes. It runs heavily in my family. Name a movie you wouldn’t watch solely based on its name: The Human Centipede. No. Thank you. Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. What’s your dearest souvenir? The stuffed moose I got at Cabela's during a visit to Ohio. I named him Brownie, and he was my "childhood plushie" we all have. Is there a lot of graffiti around your neighbourhood? Not in the actual area I live in, but there are DEFINITELY places where it's a pigsty of distasteful shit. Have you ever made your own soda? (Soda Stream doesn’t count!) No. Do you have a hobby that forces you out of the house? If so, what is it? Nature photography. Have you ever been part of a theater group? No, that stuff doesn't interest me. What’s the most ecological thing you do? We recycle, and I also use metal straws. Would you stop eating meat, if you had to raise and slaughter it yourself? Absolutely. There is no fucking way I could do it. What’s your favourite board game? Why do you like it best? I like Clue just because of the mystery-solving factor, and I think it's kinda cool how you can think ahead and use other's findings to your own advantage to win the game pretty early. Besides English, what other languages can you speak? Some German. It's gotten pretty weak with neglect, though. Besides English, what other languages can you read? I can read German well. What thing/person/happening has made you the happiest you’ve been? This is a complicated answer that I just don't feel like elaborating on. What’s the most freeing thing you’ve ever done? Letting Jason go. Have you ever had a restaurant dish that was made with bugs? If not, would you even want to try one? No, and I'm not interested. Have you ever tasted birch sap? No. How about the young buds/shoots of spruce trees? No. Which edible flowers have you tasted? Honeysuckles. What has been your worst restaurant experience? Well, it's a fast food restaurant, but lemme tell you about my vegetarian encounter with Burger King. I ordered their veggie burger. Which they have. It's not a secret. These idiots gave me a bun with tomato and lettuce, and I think mayo on it, after sounding confused when Mom was ordering for me. Mom went back in there of course to tell them, and oh god was the manager pissed, lol. I got my veggie burger in the end. What’s the most immature, adolescent thing that still makes you laugh? Some sexually inappropriate jokes can still get me sadly, lol. Have you ever had a life-threatening condition? If so, what was it? Not literally, but boy do I think depression counts. Do you ever compare your life to somebody else’s? If so, why? Y E P. I can't tell you why, I just... do it. I look at other's successes and am just like, "Why aren't I there yet?", and beat myself up about being a failure. What is a food item or a dish you absolutely cannot stand? Brussel sprouts, asparagus, runny eggs, many other things because I'm just mega picky. Have you ever had a custom print done on a shirt? If so, what was it? Just the spray paint kind that vendors like to do at the beach and stuff. I don't remember any I got, though. What does your favourite mug look like? It's black with a Markiplier quote on it, given to me by Sara. :') Do you ever read other people’s survey answers? Yeah! Friends', anyway. I love learning all the obscure things about them. Do you like daytime or night time better? Why? Daytime, specifically early morning, because it's better for my depression. Are you more comfortable as a leader or a follower? A follower that isn't afraid to speak up when I'm really against something. What is your favourite song right now at this very moment? I've been really into "7empest" by Tool lately, and the synthwave edit of "Voices" by Motionless In White. If you watched The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, who was your favourite character? I don't remember it well, but I think I liked the butler. Was there even a butler? Who was your first online friend? Emma. :') Do you have any plants in your home? No. If you wear makeup, what’s the most outrageous colour you use? I only ever use black. What was the last photograph you took? My cat being adorable while sleeping. <3 Have you ever submitted a video to Funniest Home Videos? No. What was the first sport you learned how to play? I want to say soccer? I absolutely hated it. Do you have a headache at the moment? Yes, actually. I've really been attacked by the Covid shot side effects. Are your parents still together? No, thank god. What was the last hot food you ate? I made a chicken and I think pesto (some Italian noodles, idk) Healthy Choice bowl for dinner last night. Have you ever seen a meteor shower? No. :( Do you ever feel afraid people will question your sanity? I'm sure people have before, and back then? Rightfully so. Which X Factor audition(s) was/were your favorite? Never watched it. Were you a straight A student in spelling and grammar? Always. It's so weird how it's gotten worse with time since leaving school, even though I write... Were you a straight A student in math? Yeah, no. I usually got Bs or Cs. What is your favorite shade of yellow? Pastel. I don't really like yellow. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? Have a stable job. Are you afraid of getting yelled at? YES. Do you feel a connection to the moon? It's not something I think about, so not really, but I do believe all things in the universe are connected in some way. We are simply a part of nature, as all else is. What does your heart long for? Contentment in who I am and where I am in life. I know I also miss being in love. Do you know what your purpose in life is? We have no innate purpose; we make our own, and I want mine to be to show others that there is always hope for yourself in yourself, and also to spread the message of love of all animals. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year I didn't. I really should change that this go around. Have you ever seen a fox? Yes! They're a kind of rare sight here sadly, so when I had the opportunity to photograph a fox tragically as roadkill, it was a photographic experience I won't forget. God, I wanted to pet it (I obviously didn't), but I did talk to it about how beautiful (s)he was as I got some shots. I never had a harder time leaving one of those angels I've taken pictures of. Do you find Halloween fun or scary? FUN!!!!!! Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? Not at all. What do the trees look like where you live? I mean, there's a variety, but the staple that you see literally everywhere are pine trees. What is your dream vacation? Somewhere with mountains, clear lakes, cool weather, beautiful and various wildlife... What was the best vacation you’ve been on so far? Disney World as a kid. What is the best class trip you’ve been on? The zoo in the 5th grade. It was the one occasion I got to see meerkats. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I lived for them. Do you find museums boring or interesting? I find science museums to be very, very fascinating. Art ones are great, too. What are three issues you are passionate about? LGBT rights, the pro-choice movement, and wildlife conservation, to name a few. Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all. What size is your bed? Queen. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? When we were experimenting with my Klonopin dosage, I learned that 3mg was enough to knock me on my ASS. Do you like bath bombs? I mean they're pretty, but I wouldn't waste money on 'em. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? Yikes, a looooooot. But this also depends on what you think qualifies as "small." Most of my favorite "small" YTers are tarantula keepers or sub-1M let's players. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier obviously, Snake Discovery, Good Mythical Morning (even if I don't watch them anymore, they are veeery dear to my heart and I will always support them), Sam & Colby... Again, there's a lot. When you don't watch TV and YT instead, you really get attached to a lot of them. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Would you believe me if I said Pussycat Dolls? haha Do you like Disney movies? Um, DUH. Were you ever in the popular crowd? No. Have you ever used an outhouse? UGH, at like childhood sports games, yes. I could NEVER nowadays, oh my god. Could you possibly write a successful novel? I think I have the creativity to, but not the dedication. Are there any foods that make you gag? Beans, for one. I just canNOT with them. It's a completely involuntary reaction. Have you ever had blonde highlights in your hair? I think I did? Who was the last person you video-chatted with? The lady who was seeing if I qualified for TMS therapy. Do you think sleeve tattoos look trashy? Definitely not, I love those. If you had to get a portrait tattoo, who would it be of? I don't actually want one, but if I did, I'd go to a serious professional to get THE Darkiplier smile. :') If u know u know. Do you have any stickers on any of your electronic devices? No. Do you think half blonde/half dark brown hair is attractive? It looks great on some people, but it's not my favorite combo.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''leave a scar'' by marilyn manson

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chaoticgabby · 4 years

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My Cheap & Relatively Healthy Grocery List for College Students

Context: I had been used to eating fast food so much because it was cheap that when I went to the doctors' they said I had high glucose content. That wasnt good. So I started eating healthier. Anyway let's skip the BS and get straight into it:

Ramen: the OG cheap food. I personally don't own ramen bc I dont like it that much, but if you want to save money this is the meal, at least add an egg or some veggies to make it healthier.

Frozen Veggies: anywhere from 50 cents to a dollar or two a bag. Can easily be kept in your freezer (if you have one) for months

Mac n' cheese: my all-time favorite. Of course, it might not be healthy for everyone to eat pasta all the time, but I do it anyway. Add some real cheese and spices for taste or chicken and veggies in it / on the side.

Other Pasta boxes (Pasta Roni, Velveeta, Hamburger Helper, etc.): basically as cheap or almost as cheap as Kraft macaroni, but maybe you arent a fan of mac n cheese.

Soup (Soup!!): Cambell's Tomato soup is often $1 a can. I like to eat mine with grilled cheese. Thats a whole ass meal. But of course you can get other soups just as cheap. Basically, any canned foods.

Canned foods & veggies: this one goes without saying. Although, the better options are sometimes $2 to $3 the same can be said for frozen veggies, but just heat these up and cook them in fried rice or just add butter and eat them aside a nice entré

Chunk light tuna: speaking of canned foods, canned tuna is soooo cheap and is a great option (if you even like tuna). Dont actually get the "pack tuna" for $1 a pack unless you want to keep it in your bag bc canned tuna is around 60 cents a can. Mix it with Miracle Whip (or mayo) and spread it over break for a good sammich.

Grilled cheese (or cheese toastie if you arent American I think??): similar to previous options, youre getting your cheese and your butter and your bread. Not as healthy as other options but way better than fast food calories.

Quesadillas: similar to grilled cheese, except spICY. My brother only eats these and he has no meal plan. I do it now too. Honestly, adding up tortillas, cheese dip, shredded cheese, & chicken is kind of costly but worth it. Also cooking chicken is annoying bc I dont have time for that. But. Yknow. A great option.

Pillsbury Crescents: a little costly, about $2+ per tube, but still fookin delicious. Also imma be real: actually havent checked the nutrition label to see if these are actually healthy. But these are sO useful. Make them by themselves for breakfast (with jam, eggs, or alone) or use the dough for other recipes. I use these with Manwich sauce, cheese, and ground beef for snacks :)

Manwiches: manwich sauce cans are $1 and although they have some sugar, its not nearly as bad as fast food. Just cook up some ground beef to go with it & maybe add cheese, sliced bread, or hamburger buns

PB&J: Another OG. I could never get tired of these. You just gotta make sure you have soft bread and the pb&j and youre good to go. Although..like.. some people apparently like theirs toasted or with different jams (I like strawberry).

Eggs!!!! : Just keep these in your fridge. Just do it. You never know when youre going to run out of food. Boiled? Scrambled? Fried? Soft boiled? With ramen? Omelet? In fried rice? Egg sandwich??? Eat them with bread, eat them with toast, eat them as a breakfast sandwich, scramble them with cheese, the list goes on. If you dont eat them often, get a smaller carton, but always have eggs! Also, for baking.

Rice, or fried rice: If you like rice, have been cooking rice for a long time, and can actually make it without burning, make sure you have rice. If you like rice but have never actually made it yourself, it takes trial and error in a pot. Or just invest in a rice cooker. Additionally, fried rice is not that difficult to learn & it fits the bill for healthy bc you can add unlimited veggies and meats. Im not here to educated you but the more ingredients, the better, is how i see it.

Fresh Food:

Fruit: I literally have "an apple a day" for breakfast. It's just good for you. Keep them in your fridge to keep them fresh. Keep one in your bag in case you get hungry. Bananas? Awesome! Use them in smoothies or a milkshake or eat them with your cereal or even with peanut butter. Possibilities are endless with fruit. Just make sure they dont spoil. Apples are OG bc they dont spoil as easily.

Vegetables: Make sure to only periodically get them so that they dont go to waste. Make some broccoli with butter & eat it alongside pasta. Or asparagus. Anything you want. Just make sure to have some with your meals sometimes. Greens are good. Additionally, carrots can get addicting if yoh eat them with ranch. The plus side is they are filling. If you have a tendency to want to munch on something: carrots.

Deli Meat / Sandwich Options: I personally dont make deli sandwiches because ham (as well as roast beef or turkey) can be expensive and then wanting to add lettuce and tomato to a sandwich sounds amazing but I'm scared they will spoil. Dont let me stop you though! Sandwiches are amazing.

Meat: you dont want to be cooking meat all the time bc it can get expensive, but the basics I always get are ground beef and chicken. I prefer "boneless skinless chicken thigh fillets" but you would need to cut off the fat. You could always get rotisserie if you arent feeling to for cooking. Also, if you're feeling expensive one week, salmon is just sooo good. I ate it with asparagus and seasoned with lemon. Delicious.

Snack / Dessert Options:

(I personally don't keep snacks or dessert in my home very often bc you dont want to binge eat. But here is what I have)

Peanut butter: classic, filling, can be potentially bad if you eat a shite ton

Nuts: peanuts, almonds, cashews, and especially pecans

Cookies: make your own, a lot of simple cookie recipes exist and it's a lot easier than you think. Baking essentials like flour, sugar, milk, and eggs are not that expensive to keep around in an apartment kitchen. Difficulties may be vanilla extract (the avg student doesnt have this lying around) a baking sheet, a big bowl, and possible a whisk. Store bought cookie dough isnt too bad either.

Box-cakes / box-brownies: simple and easy. Takes a few eggs sometimes and some oil, milk or water. The same goes for pancake mix. Honestly, I had an out-of-country roommate and he had never heard of boxed cake mix or brownie mix. They always made from scratch where he lived.

Low-calorie ice cream: okay ice cream can be pretty expensive and filled w/ added sugars. I used to eat this strawberry icecream sweetened with stevia and it was SO delicious, but I couldnt find that at my grocery store. Other options are "low-calorie" ice cream or "no added sugars" ice cream. I have one of these and the thing abt it is that its just the right amount of sugar to taste like ice cream and the neat thing is that you dont feel like binging it bc it doesnt have addicting added sugars.

Milkshakes / smoothies: this is a tough one bc me and most other students dont own a blender or juicer. I personally get my smoothies from a local smoothie place that only uses fresh fruit and then I ask not to add the natural sugars bc it is sweet enough with the fruit. Natural smoothies are delicious & I find that you can kind of make then if u freeze your fruits and blend w a fork. "Handmade" milkshakes are actually super easy w this method.

Yogurt: just...mmm.

"Healthy" snack food section, often called the gluten-free aisle: im not too experienced with this and im sure they have added sugars too but what I do know is I tried these gluten free oreos once and they were delicious

Fruits: I mentioned earlier but apples are great snacks

Veggies: also like I said earlier, carrots are great snacks. Not exactly a veggie but possibly potatoes for a meal or snack.

Granola Bars: for when youre too lazy to keep up with fruit and if fruit will spoil, granola bars (they healthy kind, not the chewy sugary kind) are so good to have in your pantry or keep in your backpack for a snack (and to keep you from on campus temptations). Also I used Nature Valley ones instead of cereal. They actually dissolve and are delicious with milk, since some cereals are so sugary.

Since my last college tips post got some notes I figured I'd keep writing these advice posts. For reference, I am hoping to become an RA next year at my college, so I'm not just speaking out of my ass. I generally have experience at college thus far and want to help students.

#Im American and Im not Vegan so sorry if this didnt help non americans and definitely not vegans :(#college tips #college advice #life hack #healthy living #food

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the-cat-at-the-theatre-door · 4 years

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could u make a list of ur fav cats suit, how can I say it... Like, suit + makeup + wig... Ur favorites cats styles (?

Absolutely I can! Good question, let me see...

Okay my opinions on this are kinda boring because I like neutral and subdued colour palettes (warning I like yellow and gold so...most costumes I love are some variation of these shades). I will sort this into Tom and Queen costumes.

Toms

-Asparagus (Chorus Costume)

The list starts with me being predictable, of course, but what I appreciate about Asparagus' chorus costume is that it is, arguably, the most unique one while still blending relatively easily into the background due to its otherwise unremarkable colour palette/wig (like there is nothing all that special about his unitard design or wamers or tail, I’m aware). Most of the cats, in order to fluff out the human neckline, have the "shoulder fluffies". Asparagus is the only one who has what I will affectionately call the "yarn poncho", which comes in various thicknesses but I prefer this kind:

And, occasionally, yarn threaded pants:

Which are delightfully ugly gives him an even shaggier/fluffier appearance and I love it. The only other individuals who have manes/shaggy coats are Tugger and Old Deuteronomy (and Grizabella technically), but none of them have this detail in their original chorus costume, just their main character costume. This detail was removed from the 1998 Video (unknown as to why since Tony Timberlake wore it on stage), and from the Broadway Revival (probably because Asparagus pretty much disappears early on in favour of Gus being a permanent fixture instead). A shame really, because it makes him immediately recognizable and easy to pick out.

The quality of his makeup varies for me since the whole purpose is to make it easy to paint over for Gus and Bustopher changes (Much like Plato). For some versions that means he's completely white in the face with little dimension, but I prefer when they add subtle details like striping or line work.

-Alonzo (Broadway and Broadway Based)

I have expressed before and I will express again that my unpopular CATS opinion is that I overall prefer Broadway based "golden" Alonzo costumes (and character) over London based black and white ones. This is absolutely not to say that I dislike the London costume because that isn't true. I like it very much it's very striking. But I think I prefer the golden Alonzo costumes because:

A. There is something very visually pleasing to me about gold and black Alonzos being paired with gold and black Demeters, and a Gold/Silver protector duo.

B. I like the earthy palette, the dual-toned muzzle, the fluffy tail, and the warmers (it makes for a more muted image when Alonzo is slinking around in the BG, particularly when shadowing Demeter)

C. The gold/black/brown is, imho, far more flattering to a variety of different skin tones than the clown white is. The neutral colour palette ties the makeup together very nicely, particularly when patches of skin are left bare (like on the face or the hands), as it often continues into the costume itself giving the whole ensemble more unity.

Also I just like it? I don't know why.

- Skimbleshanks (London Chorus and Number)

Skimble's costume is one of those that I like both chorus and character version of, because they're both very well coordinated palette wise. I love the chunky, organic weaves in his warmers and tail. I love the vest and the little bell! I love the complexity of his makeup, which is one of the hardest to do in the show. The wig can be very hit or miss for me depending on how it's styled. Some of the more recent wigs in the revivals and tours haven't been great tbh.

Skimble also has the benefit of having my favourite arm warmers in the show when they look like this (because elbow patches):

I want a pair. I should make myself a pair. But the patches daunt me.

Honourable Mention goes to the hundreds of Austrian crystals and stones that are hand attached to Mr. Mistoffelees' velvet costume during his number (of which Marlene Danielle collected when they fell off on stage and kept them in a vase in her dressing room) because sparkly *_*.

Queens

-Demeter (Broadway based)

The only notable difference between London and Broadway Demeter's are the styling of the wigs and I LOVE the much more exaggerated spikey, punk-like styling of these wigs let me tell you. If she doesn't look like there are three tons of gel in her hair it isn't spikey enough.

I feel like it gives her character an edge, which is a nice contrast to the overall softness of her makeup. There's also a simplicity to Demeter's makeup design that is well complemented by the more complex patterns on her unitard.

Though Bomba’s design is very similar, I prefer Demeter’s for whatever reason. I just like golds and yellows, I guess. I think the only thing I don’t like about Demeter’s design is her lipstick (particularly when it’s red) because I find it sticks out too much and looks odd.

-Jellylorum (Original Paris)

I have spoken about her before, but I love how elegant this design is. The Original Paris wigs are my favourite wigs (because I like big wigs I cannot lie), and ones that were styled like Jelly’s were particular favourites:

Like she’s still classic Jellylorum colours but the warmers soften her silhouette while the wig and makeup sweep her features up. It’s just a very beautiful design to me, idk why.

-Rumpleteazer (Japan)

I don't need to explain myself here. Look at how cute she is:

I love the tiger stripes and I love her wig and I love her makeup. I do like the garter belt straps of the London design, but I can live without them. I wish her pearls were white to make them stand out a bit more like in the London design though.

Honestly I love a lot of the CATS costumes so it’s difficult to narrow them down, but I would definitely put these particular characters in the top ten.

#jellicles ask because jellicles dare #cienceira #costuming #see if you can guess who i chose before clicking read more

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discotenny · 4 years

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Corner Store [1]

Description: Arthur Kirkland has owned and run a corner store for the past 15 years. He is determined to go through the rest of his life with minimal change. However, when he takes notice of three high school boys, his world gets turned around as he tries to piece back his life in a way that he thinks it's supposed to be. Word Count: 2,104 Warnings: Obsessive behavior, underlying issues, panic attack Characters in Chapter: Arthur Kirkland [Britain], Francis Bonnefoy[France], Alfred Jones[USA], Gilbert Beilschmidt[Prussia], Matthias Nillson[Denmark], Abel Sinterniklaas[Netherlands] Characters Mentioned: Peter Kirkland[Sealand], Toumas Nillson[Finland], Matthew Bonnefoy[Canada], Elizabeta Héderváry[Hungary], Ivan Braginsky[Russia]. Yao Wang[China], Lukas Nillson[Norway] Ship/s Mentioned: RusAme[Alfred & Ivan] AU: !Corner Store AU! !Human AU!

I know I know, this is a far division from the usual content I post on this blog haha. For those not in the loop[literally everyone who follows me], this is for a project and fandom dedicated to Hetalia! While it has had its ups and downs it remains an important part in my life for introducing me to this website + helping me discover writing for fandom lol. My part of the project is two chapters of a story idea I’ve had in my mind for a while. Also, consider this my official return from my [short] hiatus! -Mod Ioten <3

The coffee wasn’t in the right place. Nothing bothered Arthur more than when his store was out of order. An itch crept up into his hand, something that always appeared when anything wasn’t in its place. Several cans of instant coffee were right next to the bags of chips, but they were supposed to be in between the tea and coffee creamer. He used to personally stock the shelves, but lately there were some issues he had to deal with at home and he had to hire someone to help him out. No matter how much he didn’t want to. Francis still had a lot to learn, but he did bring in more business; customers seem entranced by his charm, something Arthur didn’t understand. “Francis!” Arthur called, picking up a can. The Frenchman strutted in from the other side of the store holding a broom.

“Oui?” He gave a sly smile, and Arthur couldn’t help but roll his eyes.

“You put some of the coffee in the snack shelf while they’re supposed to go on the shelf above it.” Arthur began to move the cans, one by one to the correct shelf. Turning to his employee he asked, “Did you restock the milk yet? We ran out of whole and 2% yesterday.”

“You only had 2% in the back, no whole coming in until tomorrow,” Francis replied, sweeping the floor around them. Sighing, he stopped and looked up. “Mon ami, have you ever considered getting an air freshener around here? I’m tired of coming in and smelling dust, plastic, and prepackaged food.” Francis frowned, kicking a cobweb that nestled itself under the shelves.

Arthur scoffed in reply, “It smells perfectly fine here. No one has complained so far, and no one ever will because the store smells fine.” Francis gave him a weak smile.

“If you insist….”

Francis continued to sweep the floor, and Arthur finished fixing the shelves. Taking a step back, he smiled proudly at his work; despite how meaningless it may seem. Everything was in order, and the itchy feeling in his palm was gone. Checking down at his watch, there were twenty minutes until school ended for the nearby high school. Though Francis would be checking out soon to pick up one of his sons, and Arthur could always handle the influx of customers that came in at the time. Whether it be the high schoolers themselves, teachers, or random people who just happened to stop by, people would always come by the shop. Getting behind the counter, Arthur got himself comfortable for the afternoon rush. He took out one of the newspapers he sold.

He tried to focus on the horrible news in the paper, yet Arthur’s cynical mind drifted to his customers. No one came in yet, no one ever came in at this time. The store stayed silent with the exception of the soft music coming from the radio that drowned out the pouring rain. But the same set of customers would soon come in once the final bell rang. The same three boys, always buying relatively the same items. One of them, Alfred, was Francis’ stepson. Despite not being blood-related, Arthur could see that Francis cared deeply about him. Alfred was a decent enough kid, a little too eccentric for Arthur’s liking, but he reminded him of his own son. Arthur was moderately familiar with Matthias, as Arthur used to tutor his younger brother, Lukas. Gilbert, Arthur only saw when he came in with Alfred and Matthias.

Arthur moved his arm to check his watch again. Five minutes before the school bell rang. Humming quietly to himself, he took a look around the shop. For the past 15 years, this is where he’s been. Such simplicity, and yet it meant so much to him. It was absolutely, positively, completely perfect the way everything looked.

He looked up from his paper to look at the window beside him. The clouds looked angry, and the rain got heavier and heavier to signify a storm approaching. People were walking down the sidewalk, and he could hear commotion making its way towards the store. The chime of a bell, signifying a customer entering, made Arthur unconsciously smile. Shuffling could be heard, and Arthur took a sip of his tea as wet footsteps approached the counter. “This will be all,” the low mumble was almost barely audible, but Arthur could recognize the person just by the items they bought. Never buying the same thing, Abel always bought the off-brand items due to how cheap they were. Tea biscuits, lightbulbs, and canned asparagus were his purchases for today.

“If you looked next to the eggs we had some herbs for sale,” Arthur hummed. “Some celery was there as well.” The aura around Abel stiffened, and the large Dutchman tried his best to resist the temptation Arthur laid out. No matter how much he wanted to say otherwise, his soft spot for his rabbit outweighed his yearning for cash.

Abel shakily sighed, “Is that so?” He had to keep his eyes from drifting away to the open-air fridge. Arthur felt a smile creep onto his face, keeping his head down as to not let his customer see.

“Yeah, and Yao usually sells them for more than double our prices,” The words fell out of Arthur’s mouth smoothly, preying on the fact that the Dutchman couldn’t resist the best deal possible. The air between them was cold, Abel’s stiff stature slowly cracking away with every word that Arthur said. It was a battle that occurred between them often, Arthur usually winning.

“Kip has been behaving nicely....” Abel muttered, reluctantly letting his shoulders relax. Giving out a breath, he gave into Arthur’s tactics. With a short cough, he let Arthur have his win, “I will buy a stalk.”

Looking up, smiling as if he wasn’t already gleaming, Arthur replied, “Perfect! I’ll add the price of the stalk to your total and you can be on your way.”

Abel grunted, aggressively grabbing the paper bag Arthur pushed his way. As he walked out, he could hear the shop owner telling him that he’ll see him later, and he just raised his hand in reaction.

The smile never wavered even as Abel left his shop. There were a few customers that would make their trip to the counter once they were finished. Arthur’s attention, however, was on the trio of highschoolers that followed in after Abel left. “I don’t know how I failed that chemistry quiz, my grade’s totally down the shitter!” Alfred groaned loudly as he struggled to close his umbrella, it resisting no matter how hard he tried to pull it into place. “How the hell does Francis work this thing.” He yelped as the umbrella snapped down once he clicked the button.

“It’s ‘cause you were staring at Ivan the whole study period yesterday, that hunk of a Russian keeps distracting you,” Matthias teased, walking to the sweets aisle. The other two boys followed, Alfred quickly grabbing a bottle of soda from the freezer.

“Hey, Mattie told me to get some milk before I came home, I’ll be at the counter,” With a peace sign, Alfred departed from the trio.

Gilbert scanned the shelves for his desired treat; a bag of Haribo gummy bears. And although he looked up and down the shelves, his favorite candy wasn’t to be seen. “Hey store man!” He yelled, and Arthur piped up.

“Yes?” Arthur got up from his seat and walked towards the isle the voice was coming from.

The German pointed to the empty hook which once held what he was looking for, “Do you have any gummy bears available?”

Arthur thought back to earlier today, where one girl bought the rest of his gummy bear stock. “Ah, I’m sorry about that. Earlier today a young lady came in and purchased my supply. We won’t be getting more until Friday I’m afraid.”

Gilbert stared at him for a moment, processing what the store owner said. “By any chance…” He mumbled, and Arthur almost couldn’t hear, “Was the girl wearing a flower pin with pink and orange carnations? And was she wearing one of these uniforms?” Gilbert tugged at his uniform with a blank expression.

“She did! Do you know her from school?” Arthur questioned, fighting a sickening smile that threatened to creep onto his cheeks.

The boy’s blank expression turned to one of anger. Matthias started laughing at him from behind, and Gilbert turned around to tell him to shut up. “She’s our- uh- friend!” Matthias butt in, grabbing Gilbert’s shoulder with his empty hand. In the other, he held a bag of black licorice, one that Arthur recognized immediately.

“Lovely, if you still want your bag of gummies, I might have a couple of those gummy roles made by the same company,” Hook, line, and sinker.

The greyish haired male’s attention perked immediately, and Arthur couldn’t help the smile that approached his face. “I suppose that would do…”

“Excellent!” Arthur waved his hand to symbolize that the boys needed to follow him to the counter.

“Yo Mr. Kirkland! No red milk today?” Alfred asked as Arthur got closer to the counter.

“Red milk?” Arthur had to think for a while about Alfred’s choice of words, “ Ah, whole milk. We ran out yesterday and your father could only find 2%,” Arthur gave the signature smile that he learned to give whenever childlike ignorance was at play. “I can check Alfred out first. If you boys want to buy anything else just let me know,” He slipped himself behind the counter and took the milk and soda from Alfred.

“The weather’s getting pretty bad…” Matthias muttered, taking a glance towards his friends.

Gilbert sighed and looked out the window, “Ja, news says that the storm won’t let up until like three in the morning. Do you just wanna grab a bus or something??”

A loud crack suddenly made its way into everyone’s ears. Gilbert and Matthias’ eyes quickly darted towards Alfred, who was visibly sweating despite the cold weather. Alfred took a big gulp of air, and gripped the side of the counter tightly as he tried to steady himself; failing as his body slowly sunk closer to the ground. “You okay man?” Matthias grabbed his shoulders and tried to bring him up.

Alfred looked at the ground sickly, attempting to steady his breath and contain the tears that threatened to leak out. “I-I’m uh-” his speech started to stutter, something Arthur never saw from the energetic American. His palm started to itch a little bit. “I’m- I’m fine,” he assured. “I’m fine,” Alfred repeated again, almost as if he was trying to convince himself of the same thing.

Arthur had to grab his wrist tightly so he wouldn’t begin to scratch his hand, “Are you sure? I can give you so-”

“I’ll call Toumas so he can give us a ride home safely. Is it okay if we wait here a little bit Mr. Kirkland?” Matthias asked, getting his phone out and putting the bag of licorice on the counter. “I’ll pay for Alfred’s stuff. Can you get him, Gil? I’ll buy your stuff too.”

Gilbert nodded and grabbed Alfred, pulling him to the side despite the protests. “Of course, I have a couple customers still needing to pay though, so once you pay make your way into the back exit.”

Matthias nodded, and looked behind him, muttering a small apology to the people politely waiting for them to finish. “Thanks a lot, Mr. Kirkland. Alfred uh- doesn’t deal very well with storms.”

Arthur nodded understandingly and separately bagged the three boy’s groceries. Matthias made his way towards his two friends, grabbing the bags and thanking Arthur profusely. Despite trying to grab Alfred’s shoulders again, he pushed both of them away, insisting he didn’t need to be helped.

Bringing his phone closer to his ear, Arthur could make out tiny bits of conversation from the Dane’s side. “Hej Toumas! Can you give Gil and Al a ride home? We’re stuck in the storm at the corner store near the school…. No, not the grocery run by Mr. Wang, the one run by Lukas’ tutor…. Yeah, that one. Ten minutes? Alright, I’ll tell the guys, thanks Toumas!”

The Dane clicked off his phone and gave a thumbs up to Arthur. He smiled back and centered his attention on the lady waiting at the counter. “My apologies for the long wait ma’am, those boys needed assistance.”

The itch in Arthur’s palm didn’t go away until long after the trio left.

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and-then-there-were-n0ne · 4 years

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‘Eating local’ is a recommendation you hear often – even from prominent sources, including the United Nations. While it might make sense intuitively – after all, transport does lead to emissions – it is one of the most misguided pieces of advice.

Eating locally would only have a significant impact if transport was responsible for a large share of food’s final carbon footprint. For most foods, this is not the case.

GHG emissions from transportation make up a very small amount of the emissions from food and what you eat is far more important than where your food traveled from.

In the visualization we see GHG emissions from 29 different food products – from beef at the top to nuts at the bottom.

For each product you can see from which stage in the supply chain its emissions originate. This extends from land use changes on the left, through to transport and packaging on the right.

This is data from the largest meta-analysis of global food systems to date, published in Science by Joseph Poore and Thomas Nemecek (2018).

In this study, the authors looked at data across more than 38,000 commercial farms in 119 countries.

In this comparison we look at the total GHG emissions per kilogram of food product. CO2 is the most important GHG, but not the only one – agriculture is a large source of the greenhouse gases methane and nitrous oxide. To capture all GHG emissions from food production researchers therefore express them in kilograms of ‘carbon dioxide equivalents’. This metric takes account not just CO2 but all greenhouse gases.

The most important insight from this study: there are massive differences in the GHG emissions of different foods: producing a kilogram of beef emits 60 kilograms of greenhouse gases (CO2-equivalents). While peas emits just 1 kilogram per kg.

Overall, animal-based foods tend to have a higher footprint than plant-based. Lamb and cheese both emit more than 20 kilograms CO2-equivalents per kilogram. Poultry and pork have lower footprints but are still higher than most plant-based foods, at 6 and 7 kg CO2-equivalents, respectively.

For most foods – and particularly the largest emitters – most GHG emissions result from land use change (shown in green), and from processes at the farm stage (brown). Farm-stage emissions include processes such as the application of fertilizers – both organic (“manure management”) and synthetic; and enteric fermentation (the production of methane in the stomachs of cattle). Combined, land use and farm-stage emissions account for more than 80% of the footprint for most foods.

Transport is a small contributor to emissions. For most food products, it accounts for less than 10%, and it’s much smaller for the largest GHG emitters. In beef from beef herds, it’s 0.5%.

Not just transport, but all processes in the supply chain after the food left the farm – processing, transport, retail and packaging – mostly account for a small share of emissions.

This data shows that this is the case when we look at individual food products. But studies also shows that this holds true for actual diets; here we show the results of a study which looked at the footprint of diets across the EU. Food transport was responsible for only 6% of emissions, whilst dairy, meat and eggs accounted for 83%.

Eating local beef or lamb has many times the carbon footprint of most other foods. Whether they are grown locally or shipped from the other side of the world matters very little for total emissions.

Transport typically accounts for less than 1% of beef’s GHG emissions: choosing to eat local has very minimal effects on its total footprint. You might think this figure is strongly dependent on where in the world you live, and how far your beef will have to travel, but in the ‘dropdown box’ below I work through an example to show why it doesn’t make a lot of difference.

Whether you buy it from the farmer next door or from far away, it is not the location that makes the carbon footprint of your dinner large, but the fact that it is beef.

In a study published in Environmental Science & Technology, Christopher Weber and Scott Matthews (2008) investigated the relative climate impact of food miles and food choices in households in the US. Their analysis showed that substituting less than one day per week’s worth of calories from beef and dairy products to chicken, fish, eggs, or a plant-based alternative reduces GHG emissions more than buying all your food from local sources.

By analysing consumer expenditure data, the researchers estimated that the average American household’s food emissions were around 8 tonnes of CO2eq per year. Food transport accounted for only 5% of this (0.4 tCO2eq).

This means that if we were to take the case where we assume a household sources all of their food locally, the maximum reduction in their footprint would be 5%. This is an extreme example because in reality there would still be small transport emissions involved in transporting food from producers in your area. [...]

There are also a number of cases where eating locally might in fact increase emissions. In most countries, many foods can only be grown and harvested at certain times of the year. But consumers want them year-round. This gives us three options: import goods from countries where they are in-season; use energy-intensive production methods (such as greenhouses) to produce them year-round; or use refrigeration and other preservation methods to store them for several months. There are many examples of studies which show that importing often has a lower footprint.

Hospido et al. (2009) estimate that importing Spanish lettuce to the UK during winter months results in three to eight times lower emissions than producing it locally. The same applies for other foods: tomatoes produced in greenhouses in Sweden used 10 times as much energy as importing tomatoes from Southern Europe where they were in-season.

The impact of transport is small for most products, but there is one exception: those which travel by air.

Many believe that air-freight is more common than it actually is. Very little food is air-freighted; it accounts for only 0.16% of food miles. But for the few products which are transported by air, the emissions can be very high: it emits 50 times more CO2eq than boat per tonne kilometer.

Many of the foods people assume to come by air are actually transported by boat – avocados and almonds are prime examples. Shipping one kilogram of avocados from Mexico to the United Kingdom would generate 0.21kg CO2eq in transport emissions. This is only around 8% of avocados’ total footprint. Even when shipped at great distances, its emissions are much less than locally-produced animal products.

Which foods are air-freighted? How do we know which products to avoid?

They tend to be foods which are highly perishable. This means they need to be eaten soon after they’ve been harvested. In this case, transport by boat is too slow, leaving air travel as the only feasible option.

Some fruit and vegetables tend to fall into this category. Asparagus, green beans and berries are common air-freighted goods.

It is often hard for consumers to identify foods that have travelled by air because they’re rarely labeled as such. This makes them difficult to avoid. A general rule is to avoid foods that have a very short shelf-life and have traveled a long way (many labels have the country of ‘origin’ which helps with this). This is especially true for foods where there is a strong emphasis on ‘freshness’: for these products, transport speed is a priority.

So, if you want to reduce the carbon footprint of your diet, avoid air-freighted foods where you can. But beyond this, you can have a larger difference by focusing on what you eat, rather than ‘eating local’.

#environment #climate change #global warming

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hortascountrysidenotes · 4 years

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Maiden Flights

Thankfully after the last lot of high wind abated, the young swallows fledged - I think it was Tues or Wednesday and to our delight there was a full quota of 5. We have never had more than that but frequently less - they are so funny sitting on the beam in a line waiting to make the big leap but they soon master the art of the little hatch windows. I am always amazed how they can fly out of bright sunshine into the relative dark of the garage, and then accurately negotiate the beams and roof trusses to sit alongside the parents. Mr Swallow gets terribly worried when we move near or in the garage and there is much shrieking and agitation sometimes leading to us actually being dive bombed by him to move away. They are wonderful parents and their brave attacks of the sparrowhawk and kestrel should they venture over the garden with their alarm call going full tilt are always worth watching. I get very anxious when I hear their alarm call however and rush out to see what portent of doom is about!

Other small chaps are venturing out into the world, the most noisy of whom are the baby starlings who come in droves to the bird table, and whose parents luxuriate in a good bath after breakfast! They make a terrible racket - I did rather prefer having 40 house sparrows on the table (our biggest count) rather than 20 young starlings - a difficult one to call as starlings were under great pressure. We do have an awful feeling however that the starling recovery at Beck Farm is causing the reduction of the house sparrow population. The Turtle doves are still calling so we are hopeful nesting is in progress and as we are hearing them at a largish distance apart we assume we might have two pairs in the locality. No cuckoo however although they have been heard along the Nar valley.

The dry continues and is ravaging the countryside now. There is no grass to speak of for grazing and so far the cattle have not come out to graze the common. A cut of hay has been done, but the quantity is pathetic - the grass is only flowering in the dampest of areas. Not being an expert on hay I assume they couldnt wait for rain to perhaps save the day as the nutrition levels would probably be lost, but I should think the number of bales will be less than half. A worry although if rain comes, the grazing should be saved and perhaps go on until late autumn instead. As a result of no rain, the common has not been golden with buttercups for the first time I can remember, but the orchids are starting to flower and the little garden meadows look brilliant with rattle, knapweed, scabious, ox eye daisy, sorrel and clover.

I keep the garden alive just - the watering is concentrated on the veg patch - finished picking asparagus now, but salad is good. The early beetroot are nearly ready and the second batch well established. Carrots are very slow despite watering, they just do need rain. Potatoes I think will be pretty poor but there will be a few. Courgettes are growing but very slowly - one good night of rain would make a huge difference to them. Artichokes coming on, but again very small. The flower borders in some parts are struggling - especially at the top of the garden where there is more competition from trees and hedges. I have watered the main two borders targeting certain plants and annuals. Altogether not too bad in appearance and they will be fine but it is noticeable how early things are doing their thing as if desperate to then shut down and give up the unequal struggle.

Pulled up the very last of the wallflowers this morning - couldnt believe they could still have looked so lush in bone dry baked clay soil! In turn planted out the very last Cosmos, Snapdragons and an Erysimum cutting that suddenly decided to work about a month ago having sat all winter in the greenhouse refusing to strike! Also planted out my Salvia Phyllis Fancy cutting which like the Erysimum had been dilatory, so the borders are well and truly full now.

The main event of the week will be Mavis - we are off to see Mr Roscoe Bellspaddle this afternoon and I suspect tomorrow and Wednesday unless we get immediate success! She is in a different frame of mind to the winter - seems very calm and relaxed - it could be the heat of course but I am hoping that her chilled demeanour is a good omen. I shall report as soon as there is news.

A lot to pray for - a successful move to the next phase of the covid crisis, an improvement in the situation in the US, rain, Mavis and above all a saviour for the Amazon rainforest and its peoples - it is so critical now as to feel unbearable.

HORTA

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ketoconnect · 4 years

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Keto Food Pyramid

Keto Food Pyramid: High Fat, Low Carb Food List [What to Eat, Drink & Avoid]

Do you remember that food pyramid a lot of us were taught in elementary school? Not only has the government done away with the traditional food pyramid, but there is now a healthier alternative: the Keto Food Pyramid.

If you’re on a high-fat, low-carb meal plan like the ketogenic diet (AKA keto), this keto food pyramid is a must. It’s easy to understand, and it’s vital to keeping true to your low carb lifestyle.

Stick to this pyramid as you create your weekly keto grocery list, and your body will thank you.

Our Keto Diet Food Pyramid

This keto food pyramid is designed to get your body into a state of ketosis (and stay there).

Ketosis occurs when your body doesn’t have enough carbohydrates (sugar) to produce energy, so it instead turns to fat burning for energy. These fat cells are used to create ketones, which many scientists agree are more efficient energy sources than carbs.

What are the food groups on the keto food pyramid?

When adhering to a keto diet, there are low-carb food choices you should gravitate towards:

# Healthy fats

# Fatty proteins

# Non-starchy vegetables

# Certain cheeses, nuts, and seeds

# A little bit of fruit

However, this keto diet food pyramid also clarifies foods to avoid:

# Sugar

# Bread

# Pasta

# Vegetable oils

Healthy Fats and Oils

Most important to the keto food pyramid are healthy fats and oils. Around half of your calories should consist of these high-quality fats.

What are healthy fats? Well, the word “fat” can be a scary word. But that’s just because of the hard work of the sugar industry from the past seventy years. Fats are necessary to your body’s proper function. Low-fat diets are less efficient for weight loss, compared to low carb diets. Plus, a ketogenic diet supports heart health significantly better than low-fat options.

Also, look for fats that derive from animals, like butter and tallow. These incredibly nutrient-dense foods get a bad rep from misleading “science” about the dangers of saturated fats, but they’re great for feeling full and getting plenty of important nutrients in addition to good macro balance.

Plus, animal fats are the richest sources of heart-healthy vitamin K2, which many people are deficient in.

These are some of the best fat sources, when you’re on a keto diet:

# Ghee

# Grass-fed butter

# Tallow

# Lard

# Bone marrow or bone broth

# Extra virgin olive oil

# Cod liver oil

# Coconut oil

# Avocado oil

# Sesame oil

# MCT oil

You may notice several keto-friendly oils on this list. Whether you cook in these oils or use them as an ingredient, the above oils are your best friends.

Steer clear of vegetable oils. Despite their healthy-sounding name, vegetable oils have been linked with inflammation. This affects everything from your immune system to your heart health.

Fatty Proteins

Fatty proteins are important to the keto food pyramid and the body’s nutritional needs. Proteins are macronutrients, the building blocks of our bones, muscles, skin, and blood.

But there’s this common misconception — probably the most common among new keto dieters. Many try to get their bodies into a state of ketosis with the same amount of protein as fat — fifty-fifty. Unfortunately, it’s pretty hard to get into ketosis with that ratio. Keto is very importantly a moderate-protein, not a high-protein, diet.

How much protein should you eat in a meal while on keto? Aim for 25 percent protein with 75 percent fat. A typical keto meal includes about four or five ounces of protein.

Fatty fish, seafood, fattier chicken cuts, and eggs have moderate protein content while balancing with plenty of fat:

# Salmon

# Catfish

# Cod

# Shellfish

# Oysters and clams

# Eggs

# Chicken (thighs, wings, or legs)

Fish are also rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which come with their own health benefits, like improved heart and mental health.

There are also fatty cuts of red meat that you should regularly add to your meals:

# Veal

# Steak

# Lamb

# Pork

# Salami and pepperoni

Just like with your healthy fats, it’s important to know where your proteins are sourced from. Grass-fed beef and wild caught fish are two examples of quality sourced meats. On the other hand, salami and pepperoni are technically keto-friendly but carry some risks as ultra-processed foods.

Although you can tweak your macros to include lean meats, like chicken and turkey, without dropping out of ketosis, we’ve found that avoiding these is usually simpler. Super lean meats with high protein levels but no fat are more difficult to work into a normal keto diet meal plan. If you eat keto, swap breasts out with thighs, wings, or legs.

Non-Starchy Vegetables

Vegetables are rich in nutrients. They are important to every person’s overall health. We definitely want to keep non-starchy vegetables on our plate when we’re on the keto diet when we can, although different peoples’ need for vegetables may be higher or lower than the next person.

But many vegetables are not low-carb vegetables. Starchy veggies like potatoes, corn, and carrots are relatively high in carbohydrates. We instead look to the low-carb vegetables.

You may have heard avocados touted as a “superfood” in the past. Well, this is where the avocado’s magic powers are strongest.

Avocado is a tasty vegetable (sometimes considered a fruit) that is very low on carbs — mainly because it’s so high in fiber, and you have to subtract fiber from carbs to get your “net carbs”. Avocados also come with a host of unique benefits: healthy heart, healthy brain, and preventing diabetes.

What are the best vegetables to eat when on keto?

# Avocados (a staple of most keto diets!)

# Leafy greens, like spinach and kale

# Bell peppers

# Tomatoes

# Cauliflower

# Broccoli

# Asparagus

# Zucchini

# Eggplant

# Garlic

# Cayenne

# Celery

Don’t rely too heavily on vegetables. But a small portion of non-starchy veggies at every meal is ideal for low carb diets like keto.

Cheeses, Nuts, and Seeds

Another group of foods to have a little bit of every day is cheeses, nuts, and seeds. An odd pairing, yes, but these three foods have two things in common:

1. Cheeses, nuts, and seeds can all serve as keto-friendly snacks throughout the day.

2. Cheeses, nuts, and seeds should not be eaten in high quantities, but small amounts here and there are perfectly acceptable.

Unlike milk, cheese is low-carb and high in fat. Unprocessed cheeses like cheddar, mozzarella, cream, goat, and bleu are often best for digestion.

When looking for keto-friendly dairy products, make sure it’s full-fat dairy with close to zero carbs. Beyond cheeses, think about adding full-fat sour cream or Greek yogurt to your keto diet.

Should you go nuts for nuts? Yes!

Can I plant a seed in your mind about seeds? “Pro-seed,” I imagine you are saying. (See what we did there?)

Like most snacks, make sure you consume small portions. One or two ounces of these nuts and seeds should act as a great snack:

# Pecans

# Macadamia nuts

# Walnuts

# Hazelnuts

# Almonds

# Pistachios

# Cashews

# Peanuts

# Pili nuts (some of our favorites — these are 0-carb and super high in fat!)

# Brazil nuts

# Flaxseeds

# Chia seeds

# Hemp seeds

# Sunflower seeds

# Sesame seeds

Keto Friendly Fruits

You may think fruits have too much sugar to be keto friendly. Yes, fruits have natural sugars and can be slightly addictive. However, a few lower-carb fruits shouldn’t push you over your daily carb limit. And their health benefits are too good to pass up.

Here are some other fruits that have less than 10 grams of net carbs in a one-cup serving:

# Lemons

# Limes

# Blackberries

# Raspberries

# Strawberries

# Coconuts

Fruits are the smallest part of the keto food pyramid. If you’re not careful, fruits can kick you out of ketosis. Eating fruits can spike your blood sugar, and they don’t make you feel full for very long.

Fruits are filled with micronutrients. Nature has crafted fruits into something that we really want to eat. But make sure you keep fruits to a minimum when you’re on a low carb diet.

What to Drink on Keto

You need to stay hydrated! But with all these restrictions, what can you drink while on keto?

Water. Every day. Water is your new best friend. Find a good deal on a reusable BPA-free water bottle and keep it filled each day.

Although water is the absolute best liquid for anyone to drink — whether on keto or not — there are some other low carb drinks you can look for (some of which are great fat sources):

# Bulletproof (butter) coffee

# Sparkling water

# Tea

# Coffee

# Dry wines

# Hard liquors (in moderation)

# Bone broth

# Non-dairy milk alternatives

Obviously, all of these drinks must be unsweetened to qualify as low carb.

The best teas to drink are turmeric tea and green tea. Green tea is a potent antioxidant that may promote heart health. Black tea is also great for keeping macros in check and boosting your caffeine intake for the day (it’s what is served at most restaurants).

A popular variation on coffee among keto dieters is something called bulletproof coffee. Simply put, this means you add ghee (or butter) to your coffee, often paired with MCT oil.

When looking for non-dairy milk alternatives, check the net carbs. For instance, sweetened and unsweetened almond milk are right next to each other on the shelf, and only one of them is good for a low-carb diet plan.

High Carb and Other Foods to Avoid

Now that you have the keto food pyramid at your fingertip, its helpful to look at a list of “don’ts” when it comes to the keto diet.

Obviously, we’re avoiding carbs here. So here are some food choices that are high in sugars or carbohydrates in general:

# Bread

# Pasta

# Added sugar (refined or raw)

# Honey

# Pizza

# Fries

# Beans

# Rice

# Condiments high in sugar

# Higher carb fruits, such as apples or bananas

# Starchy vegetables like corn, potatoes, and carrots

# Hot dogs, hoagies, and hamburgers (because of the buns)

As far as drinks are concerned, do not drink sugary beverages, including sodas and sugary alcoholic drinks. Also avoid fruit juices and milk because of their sugar content.

Technically speaking, diet sodas are low carb. However, avoid them like the plague. Actually, the artificial sweeteners in diet sodas can have a few downsides in common with the plague.

In Summary

# The keto food pyramid offers an easy-to-understand visual of what to eat and what to avoid when you’re trying to maintain a state of ketosis.

# Focus on healthy fats, proteins, non-starchy vegetables, cheeses, nuts, and seeds.

# Avoid sugary foods and drinks, bread, pasta, milk, and fried foods.

youtube

#Keto Food Pyramid #Keto Diet Food Pyramid #Low Carb Food List #ketoconnect

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newstfionline · 4 years

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Headlines

World refugee numbers rise (Foreign Policy) A new report by the United Nations refugee agency found that the number of refugees worldwide increased by 9 million in 2019, adding to a total of roughly 80 million people. Only 107,000 refugees were resettled in third countries, with Canada receiving the most with 31,100. The United States received the second highest number with 27,500 resettled in 2019.

Migrant farmworkers die in Canada, and Mexico wants answers (Washington Post) Each summer for the past five years, Aaron has traveled from his home in Mexico to Canada as one of the tens of thousands of temporary foreign workers who seed, tend and harvest the crops that keep the country fed. This year’s journey was unique. Flights were limited. There were temperature screenings and questionnaires before he took off and after he landed. On arriving in British Columbia this month, he was checked into a hotel for a 14-day quarantine. But in this year of the coronavirus, the precautions have not kept all of Canada’s migrant farmworkers safe. At least 600 have contracted covid-19, and at least two, both Mexicans, have died. Mexico, which provides nearly half of Canada’s migrant farmworkers, has become so concerned that officials said this week they’re hitting the “pause button” on plans to send up to 5,000 more to Canada until they’re satisfied the conditions that led to the deaths will be rectified—threatening a labor crunch for Canada’s already squeezed agricultural sector. The pandemic has highlighted Canada’s dependence on the 60,000 temporary foreign workers who arrive each year from countries such as Mexico and Jamaica as part of a federal government program, and without whom hundreds of thousands of tons of blueberries, asparagus stalks and grapes would wither on the vine.

DACA lives on (NYT) When this country started hearing a decade ago about Dreamers—people who came to the United States as small children without legal permission—many of them were in their teens or early 20s. These Dreamers are now full adults, with careers and families, and many have spent years anxiously wondering whether they would be thrown out of the only country they’ve really known. Yesterday’s Supreme Court ruling, which barred President Trump from deporting the Dreamers anytime soon, came as a tremendous relief to them. “It feels amazing,” Vanessa Pumar, 31, an immigration lawyer who came from Venezuela at age 11, said. “I have been holding my breath. It feels like I can finally breathe.” Roberto G. Gonzales, a Harvard professor who has been studying DACA since it went into effect in 2012, calls it “the most successful immigration policy in recent decades.” Gonzales explains: “Within a year, DACA beneficiaries were already taking giant steps. They found new jobs. They increased their earnings. They acquired driver’s licenses. And they began to build credit through opening bank accounts and obtaining credit cards.”

AP-NORC poll: Majority of Americans support police protests (AP) Ahead of the Juneteenth holiday weekend’s demonstrations against systemic racism and police brutality, a majority of Americans say they approve of recent protests around the country. Many think they’ll bring positive change. And despite the headline-making standoffs between law enforcement and protesters in cities nationwide, the poll from The Associated Press-NORC Center for Public Affairs Research also finds a majority of Americans think law enforcement officers have generally responded to the protests appropriately. Somewhat fewer say the officers used excessive force. The findings follow weeks of peaceful protests and unrest in response to the death of George Floyd, a black man who died pleading for air on May 25 after a white Minneapolis police officer held his knee on Floyd’s neck for nearly eight minutes. A dramatic change in public opinion on race and policing has followed, with more Americans today than five years ago calling police violence a very serious problem that unequally targets black Americans.

Atlanta police call out sick over charges in fatal shooting (AP) Atlanta police officers called out sick to protest the filing of murder charges against an officer who shot a man in the back, while the interim chief acknowledged members of the force feel abandoned amid protests demanding massive changes to policing. Interim Chief Rodney Bryant told The Associated Press in an interview that the sick calls began Wednesday night and continued Thursday, but said the department had sufficient staff to protect the city. It’s not clear how many officers called out. “Some are angry. Some are fearful. Some are confused on what we do in this space. Some may feel abandoned,” Bryant said of the officers. “But we are there to assure them that we will continue to move forward and get through this.”

Beware the trampoline (NYT) Sales of outdoor equipment has surged as families try to keep their children entertained while on lockdown. But that has led to a spike in injuries from bikes, scooters, and especially trampolines. Some E.R. doctors have begun referring to trampolines as “orthopedic fracture machines.” Many injuries occur when multiple children, especially a mix of older and younger ones, are jumping on a trampoline at the same time. That’s what happened to the daughter of our colleague Adam Pasick, who broke her tibia on a trampoline on Wednesday. Stay safe out there, kids!

Missing in Mexico (Foreign Policy) Families of people thought to have gone missing amid Mexico’s drug war surrounded a motorcade carrying President Andrés Manuel López Obrador in the state of Veracruz on Monday demanding he do more to bring their loved ones home. Some 61,000 people are estimated to be missing in the country, and relatives fear that austerity measures, which could see a 75 percent budget cut to a government agency that provides funding and support to families of the disappeared, will only make matters worse. While coronavirus-related lockdowns have stalled search efforts, gang violence and disappearances have continued.

France and Turkey spar over ship incident (Foreign Policy) Tensions between France and Turkey rose after French Defense Minister Florence Parly said a Turkish ship refused to identify itself and its mission after an approach by a French vessel on a NATO mission to check on suspected weapons smuggling to Libya. Turkish sailors donned bulletproof vests and took up positions behind light weaponry during the incident, according to Parly. “This act was extremely aggressive and cannot be one of an ally facing another ally who is doing its work under NATO command,” Parly said. Turkey called France’s claims “baseless.” NATO Secretary-General Jens Stoltenberg told reporters that NATO is investigating the incident “to bring full clarity into what happened.”

Anger Surges in India Over Deadly Border Brawl With China (NYT) An Indian government minister has called for Chinese restaurants to be closed. Other Indian officials have suddenly put contracts to Chinese companies under review. And crowds of men are now smashing Chinese-made televisions in the street. A wave of anti-Chinese anger is cresting across India as the nation struggles to absorb the loss of 20 Indian soldiers beaten to death this week by Chinese troops in a high-altitude brawl along India’s disputed border with China. And the tensions are hardly easing. Sonam Joldan, a teacher in the Ladakh region near the India-China border, reported on Thursday seeing a line of 100 Indian Army trucks heading toward the front line, wending its way up the Himalayan mountains “like a caravan of ants.”

China charges Canadians with espionage (Foreign Policy) Chinese prosecutors announced today that they have charged two Canadians in Chinese detention with espionage. Michael Kovrig and Michael Spavor have been held by Chinese authorities since 2018 in what is seen as a reciprocal move by Beijing after the arrest of Meng Wanzhou, the chief financial officer of Huawei, by Canadian police. Meng is currently under house arrest in Vancouver while fighting a Canadian court battle to halt her extradition to the United States.

Singapore opens gyms, dining out as China outbreak steadies (AP) Singaporeans can wine and dine at restaurants, work out at the gym and socialize with no more than five people at a time as of Friday, when the city-state removed most of its pandemic lockdown restrictions. Getting back to business in Singapore came as China declared a fresh outbreak in Beijing under control after confirming 25 new cases among some 360,000 people tested. That was up by just four from a day earlier. Singapore’s malls, gyms, massage parlors, parks and other public facilities reopened their doors with strict social distancing and other precautions.

Palestinians fear displacement from an annexed Jordan Valley (AP) For generations, the people of Fasayil herded animals on the desert bluffs and palm-shaded lowlands of the Jordan Valley. Today, nearly every man in the Palestinian village works for Jewish settlers in the sprawling modern farms to the north and south. The grazing lands to the west and east, leading down to the banks of the biblical Jordan River, have been swallowed up by the settlements or fenced off by the Israeli military. So instead of leading sheep out to pasture, the men rise before dawn to work in the settlements for around $3 an hour—or they move away. “Everyone here works in the settlements, there’s nothing else,” said Iyad Taamra, a member of the village council who runs a small grocery store. “If you have some money you go somewhere else where there is a future.” Palestinians fear communities across the Jordan Valley will meet a similar fate if Israel proceeds with its plans to annex the territory, which accounts for around a quarter of the occupied West Bank and was once seen as the breadbasket of a future Palestinian state. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has vowed to annex the valley and all of Israel’s far-flung West Bank settlements, in line with President Donald Trump’s Middle East plan, which overwhelmingly favors Israel and has been rejected by the Palestinians. The process could begin as soon as July 1.

Saudi Arabia’s crown prince uses travel restrictions to consolidate power (Washington Post) The formal term in Arabic is mana’a al-safar, or “travel bans.” But the practical effect of Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman’s policy of restricting journeys abroad by what appear to be thousands of Saudis is to intimidate those he regards as political threats. “This is hostage-taking as a tool of governing,” argued Khalid Aljabri, a Saudi cardiologist who lives in Toronto. Two of his younger siblings, Omar and Sarah, now both in their early 20s, were banned from travel in June 2017 shortly after MBS, as he’s known, became crown prince. MBS wanted leverage against their father, a former Saudi intelligence official named Saad Aljabri, hoping to force him home to face corruption allegations that Khalid says are false. An investigation shows that this practice of restricting foreign travel is much broader than generally recognized and is part of a larger system of organized repression in the kingdom. MBS has used these tools to consolidate power as he moves toward what some U.S. officials believe may be an attempt, perhaps this year, to seize the full powers of government from his ailing father, King Salman. The total number of Saudis who are subject to travel restrictions, according to Saudi and U.S. analysts, probably runs into the thousands. Those who are banned don’t usually know about their status until they go to the airport or try to cross a border post, where they’re stopped and told that exit is forbidden on order of the state security organization, which operates through the royal court. No formal, written explanation is typically given.

Zimbabwe on the brink (Foreign Policy) Three female opposition activists in Zimbabwe have been forced to remain in prison following a bail hearing on Monday as they face charges of fabricating allegations of being abducted, tortured, and humiliated by police. The charges against the women are widely thought to be politically motivated, while the U.N. called on the authorities to “urgently prosecute and punish the perpetrators of this outrageous crime.” The case against the women, one of whom, Joana Mamombe, is a member of Parliament, comes at a tense time in the country as inflation has risen to 785 percent. The price of bread and sugar has surged by 30 percent over the past week, evoking memories of the hyperinflation seen in 2008 that rendered the country’s currency worthless. Economic crisis and rising public anger have led to mounting speculation that a coup could be in the works. The national security council of Zimbabwe dismissed the rumors in a press conference last week, saying they were being fueled by allies of the late Zimbabwean leader Robert Mugabe.

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