#i think the parents slowly picking up that their kids have massive amounts of trauma in small ways is so important

[imthursdaysyme]

I feel like the kids in st would have simple small answers for “what do you want to do in the future” bc subconsciously or not they don’t think they’ll survive, I think Lucas would answer and say oh I want to be a camp counselor one summer and his dad is like….I meant a job son

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

No, It's Definitely Funny

Prompt: Can I request a second part to "Let's Call It Funny" where Bucky, Sam, Steve, and Peter unite forces to confuse and concern all the other avengers (with at least one instance where two or all of them respond to something by pretending to jump off a building?) Love you! -Auggie

Does it count as being back on my bullshit if I never left?

Read on Ao3 Part 1

Warnings: none, unless you need a warning for gen z humor

Pairings: it's still found family hours

Word Count: 2259

Peter’s gonna be honest, he may or may not have some competition for the funniest person in the Tower right now.

Because let’s look at the list here:

Traumatized? Everybody and their private jet’s worth of vintage and designer baggage needs therapy.

Queer? If you think Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, or Sam Wilson is straight, you need to tell them everything they’ve ever done to make you think they’re straight so they can stop doing it immediately.

Superhero? Yeah, okay, shush, now you’re being stupid.

Neurodivergent? Have you seen the way these men behave? Definitely the model of Perfectly Normal Person™, what on earth are you talking about, absolutely 100% Normal™.

The only things he’s still got going for him that the others don’t are high-schooler and trans. That’s not a lot when it comes to the fact that hey, two of them are from the Great Depression—let’s be honest, they’re the OGs when it comes to fatalistic humor—and they’ve all got years of practice.

Sure, Peter’s got some trauma-given raw talent, but it’s not refined by years and years of throwing yourself off of buildings and out of planes to avoid having conversations about your emotions.

The day Aunt Nat dropped all of SHIELD’s files on the Internet and Peter found out that Steve yeeted himself out of a plane—without a parachute!—to avoid Nat’s prodding about getting a date was the best day of his fucking life.

“Don’t you go stealing my moves there, kid,” Steve had scolded playfully, winking over the rim of his mug.

“Try and stop me, I dare you.”

“And this is why,” Tony had sighed, looking every bit his 79 years—“Hey!”—as he watches this interaction go down, “you have a parachute built into your suit.”

“I’ll just wear my old one, don’t worry about it.”

“That heinous thing that’s just a cut-up old hoodie and goggles? Peter, no, that thing is being held together with safety pins and hope!”

“I mean, me too, so it’s fine.”

“Peter!”

“Also, like, it’s the one I almost got crushed to death in, so it’s got the emotional trauma seasoning already.”

“Wait—“ Bucky had sat up— “you almost got crushed to death by a building? Sheesh, kid, you’re really flirting with the reaper, huh.”

“It wasn’t so bad, I had training from the years and years of carrying the weight of my sins crawling on my back.”

“At least ask Death for his number next time, he’s not returning my calls.”

“Sergeant, I swear to God—“

“Actually, Death uses they/them pronouns, I asked when I met them last weekend.”

“What the fuck did you do last weekend?”

“Really? Oh cool, well, can you get their number for me? We had a date back in ’45 that they missed.”

“Yeah, sure, no problem.”

“Tony, why are you screaming? Not keeping dates is a very serious matter.”

“Trust me, I speak from experience, Tony, it’s not a good habit to get into.”

“You should respect your elders and not scream while we’re talking to you, mister.”

“All of you shut the fuck up.”

See? On one hand, it’s great to have more partners in this venture of making Tony’s hair turn grey—he’s that age, it’s bound to happen any time soon now— “One more crack about my age, kid, I swear.” — but on the other hand, Peter is seriously losing his massive lead on funniest person in the Tower.

The other thing he’s worried about is Sam’s ability to make it so the others can’t actually worry about him.

Because—listen, Sam Wilson is a fucking national treasure and all you fuckers better acknowledge that. It’s no secret that the Captains take turns going out with the shield, all of them answer to ‘Captain America’ because that’s what they are, but no one—and Peter will never say this under threat of death because he does not need any more of the Steve Rogers’ Puppy Dog Eyes™, thank you very much—no one does it better than Sam.

And that means that Sam fucking Wilson can turn a fatalistic, self-deprecating joke into a motivational speech that doesn’t feel disingenuous or cliché at all and everyone is too busy processing the philosophical revelations they’re having to scold him for his, frankly, outstanding sense of humor.

It’s not fair and Peter can’t do it.

He tried. Once.

Didn’t go very well.

No, he’s not gonna talk about it, let’s just move on.

Sam has offered to catch him a couple of times when he gets himself a little too deep into the Mamma Spider™ or Iron Dad™ trap of feeeelings, and he gratefully scoots out of the way when Sam sits down next to him and just makes another joke.

Sam is also a fantastic role model for the brand of ‘I’m going to the store and only have twenty bucks, stop asking for your will to live back’ jokes.

“Hey, Pete!”

“Yeah?”

“Let’s go, bodega run.”

“Can we pick up some hopes and dreams, too, all of those got scribbled out in fat red Sharpie yesterday.”

“I said bodega run, not Court of Miracles run.”

“But Sam~”

“Listen, kid, if you manage to find your hopes and dreams in this bodega, keep an eye out for your childhood innocence, that might be on the next shelf over.”

“Deal.”

“Do you two need some more therapy appointments?”

“Only got fifteen bucks, man.”

“I’m literally a billionaire!”

Peter eagerly studies under this pinnacle of humor and keeps his worries to himself.

Because if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, and Peter’s sense of humor is wonderful, but he is a tad intimidated by the amount of variety the others have got going for them.

“You’re a fucking terror, Spider-ling, that’s what you are.”

“Not true! I was ‘a pleasure to have in class.’”

“Oh, is that why you’re taking ‘Little Shit’ lessons from Barnes and Rogers?”

“And Sam! Don’t forget Captain Wilson, he is an invaluable part of this team. I’m surprised at your ignorance.”

“Pete—no, that’s not—“

“I’m ashamed for you, Mr. Stark.”

“Listen here you little shit—“

Anyway…

Steve and Bucky have a habit of telling these like, really awful jokes that have Peter in stitches for half an hour. It’s not fair and he doesn’t get why they’re so funny because they aren’t, and yet here he is, laughing anyway.

It’s probably some combination of Steve’s perfected innocent face that he wears when he has to do interviews and Bucky’s habit of not giving a single solitary fuck. But they’re able to make the worst jokes with completely serious expressions and it’s not fair.

“Hey, can you guys come help me with something?”

“Sure, Peter,” Steve says instantly, bounding over with his 95-year-old Golden Retriever energy as Bucky trails behind him like a cat that’s sitting in your lap because he wants to, not because he likes you or anything, “what’s up?”

“I have a history project on WWII due tomorrow and I haven’t started it yet.”

Bucky snorts, taking a swig of coffee and sitting down on the floor. Which, same. “You got your eulogy planned?”

“Drafted, sighed, notarized, but Aunt May said no so I gotta do this.”

“Well, if Aunt May says no then I guess that’s that.”

Tony, from far away in another part of the Tower, has a sickening feeling that May Parker has once again proven that she is the most powerful parent and there’s nothing he can do about it.

“I, um,” Peter mumbles, fidgeting with his pen, “I want to be respectful of your boundaries, and if you don’t want to talk about anything then—“

Because it’s one thing for someone to make jokes about their trauma and another for someone else to go poking and prodding at it.

“Hey,” Steve interrupts softly, nudging him with his knee, “first off, thank you for saying that and we appreciate your respect, but we got you. You worry about enough, sweetheart, let us take care of ourselves.”

Peter gives him a look.

“When it comes to this,” Steve amends, having the decency to look a little sheepish, “we’ll take care of ourselves.”

Bucky scoffs. “Uh-huh.”

“We will, Buck.”

“My therapist will be real happy to hear that.” He looks up at Peter and winks. “Besides, what good is our trauma if we don’t pin it up and display it for good grades?”

Peter huffs, the joke undercut a little by the way Bucky knocks his foot against Peter’s and Steve’s arm stretches over the couch behind him.

Peter has to resist the urge to lean his head onto Steve’s shoulder, because then Steve’s hand will come up and ruffle his hair and Peter’s eyes will droop slowly closed as he loses himself in the warmth and safety of Steve’s embrace and then Steve will lean down to press a kiss to his temple and—

Right. Homework.

“What’s it on specifically,” Bucky asks, clearly spotting the temptation on Peter’s end, “home front? Overseas? Time period?”

“Uh, it’s an analysis of total war.”

“Like, how much of the country was devoted to the war effort?”

“Yeah, basically. It’s talking about how the Nazi War Machine made their war total and how that extends to a lot of other countries, but also about the reasons why the war was fought—“

They delve into a conversation about total war, Peter pointing out how Italy’s motivation for territory keeps it from being a total war on their part, Bucky speaking to how the different dynamics worked in various countries and the fallout, Steve bringing up how much of the home front was devoted to bringing attention to the war being fought overseas. Then, of course, as is inevitable, they devolve into storytelling.

Peter’s notebook—with notes! He did his job!—is set aside as he gives in to the need to let Steve cuddle him on the couch. Come on, the man is warm and big and gives good hugs, how is he supposed to not? Bucky sprawls out on the floor, leaning back on his hands as he smiles fondly.

“You know,” he remarks casually, “I fought a Nazi in my pajamas once.”

Peter blinks sleepily. “Wait, really?”

“Yeah, though how he got in my pajamas, I have no idea.”

Peter snorts. Then he giggles. Then he’s collapsing into Steve’s side, positively sobbing with laughter.

It’s not funny.

It’s really not that funny.

But here he is, fucking dying, and he doesn’t even have the wherewithal to welcome the sweet embrace of oblivion.

“Okay, note to self,” Bucky murmurs when he’s calmed down a little, wiping away tears, “sleepy spider likes corny jokes.”

“Just don’t break our baby spider, Buck, Momma Spider would kill you in cold blood.”

“Listen, if Natasha Romanoff kills me, don’t prosecute. That’s on me.”

Peter can’t do corny jokes. He really can’t. He just sounds like he’s a recording so old it’s unintelligible and it’s bad. He has a reputation to maintain here!

However, there is one sense of humor that Peter is very eager to learn and adopt, and hey, it might actually be Iron Dad™ Approved!

It’s a rookie mistake, asking Bucky Barnes for a hand, but in his defense, Peter was left unsupervised and was distracted.

“Hey, Bucky, can you give me a hand?”

“Sure thing, Peter.”

Something nudges his arm and he looks down. It’s Bucky’s metal arm, bumping up against his elbow.

It’s a cheap joke. It’s bad. It does not deserve Peter’s laughter.

He snorts anyway.

“That’s on me,” he says after a second, “you know what, that’s my fault.”

“What, is this not what you meant?”

“No, no, you’re fine.” Peter scruffs a hand through his hair. He looks down at the prosthetic again. “Well, that’s disarming.”

Now it’s Bucky’s turn to snort. “You gotta hand it to me, though, it’s a good joke.”

Oh, it’s on.

“No, no, of course, I understand. You really can’t let an opportunity like that slip through your fingers.”

Steve chokes on his next sip of coffee. “Stop making the kid shoulder the burden of making puns with you.”

Sam raises an eyebrow. “Don’t palm this off on someone else, Steve, you’re as bad as he is.”

“Oh, it’s not that bad.” Peter shrugs. “You just gotta knuckle-down and find the right one.”

“Do you have any idea how many times I’ve had to reach for puns?” Bucky hefts his arm.

“I’m gonna go out on a limb and say a lot.”

“Jeez, Pete, good one.”

“What, are you not finding them humerus?”

Sam’s gone, Steve shortly after. Bucky just grins proudly at him.

Then there’s a massive thunk from behind them. Peter turns around to see Tony slamming his forehead into the counter.

“You are all going to kill me,” he mutters, glaring up at them, “all three of you.”

“Oh, come on, Mr. Stark, Captain Barnes would never hurt you.”

Tony raises a skeptical eyebrow.

“After all,” Peter grins, gesturing to Bucky who is doing a very good innocent face—he must’ve been taking notes from Steve— “look at him, he’s completely armless.”

“Peter Benjamin Parker—“

Okay, so maybe it’s not Iron Dad™ Approved.

Oh, well.

[gffa]

I was talking with @himboskywalker​ about Tolkien and fandom and fic, because I’m always curious where people’s “area” of the wider Legendarium are at, whether they’re a fan of the Dwarves or the Humans or the Elves or the Valar or what!  (As a surprise to absolutely no one, the Elves are where my heart is at, where I very much love the Noldor, but if you give me a choice I’m going to run over to that Sindar-centric fic every time.) Which got us onto the topic of fic recs, where, yes, I’ve done a LOT of Tolkien fic recs but I tend to read something of a wide variety and this is a list specifically aimed at those who are familiar with the wider Tolkien world, but haven’t really read much fic and want to know where to start! Other Recs First: - If you haven’t gotten further into Tolkien’s work (like say beyond the movies), I’ve done something of a primer here, which includes fic recs and brief explanations and links to videos that help explain some things.  It’s not as hard as it seems to get involved, honest! - Some other fic recs here, as an addition to the above. - My Tolkien blog (which I haven’t been on in awhile, though, I haven’t let it go in my heart yet) has, I’m not kidding, A LOT of fic recs, I did recs regularly for about three years, so it’s almost as massive as my collection of SW recs. If I Could Only Pick Three To Start You With: ✦ And What Happened After by thearrogantemu - This is the fic that took me from enjoying the Silm characters to diving face-first into really loving them, because it wove such an engaging story about the characters sailing to Aman at the end of LOTR, where various characters you wouldn’t think interacting would be as meaningful as they are, but the fic absolutely sells them on it.  Frodo and Feanor having a conversation about language?  Sam and Maglor sharing a boat to the West?  These things are amazing, as this is a fic about healing and what it means to sail into the Undying Lands.  Also, it has a Feanor and Fingolfin reunion that literally put tears in my eyes. ✦ Interrupted Journeys by ellisk - I’m generally not someone who does a lot of rereading of fic just because I have so many new ones to get to, but I’ve read my favorites in this series (parts 3 to 5 are my sweet spot especially) probably four times through now because “Elfling Legolas growing up in Greenwod with a whole cast of characters around him, as the Shadow so very, very slowly creeps towards them” may sound somewhat simple, but the worldbuilding here is off the scale.  The weaving in of how much the First Age and various Elven politics influenced Thranduil’s ruling of a Silvan people is a major theme, but it’s also good parents raising that precious Elfling right and he and his cousins+friends getting into all sorts of mischief, so it’s balanced between humor and drama in the exact amounts I want.  You can skip the first two fics and jump into the third if you like, which is when Legolas is introduced, but I enjoy the whole thing. ✦ Return to Aman OR Quenta Narquelion by bunn - I can’t pick between these two, they’re both incredible.  Return to Aman is basically “Elrond grabs Maglor and drags him to Aman with them” and it breaths such incredible lift into all the characters of Aman, it doesn’t negate the terrible things the Feanorians did, but neither does it negate Elrond’s love for them and his biological family, too.  It’s another fic that’s about healing and forgiveness and it made me glow to read it.  Quenta Narquelion is basically “Feanor refused the call of Mandos after he died and everything started to snowball from there” and it’s an absolutely heartbreaking look at all our Problematic Fave Feanorians and how they were once good people trying to do the best they could, but bit by bit they slipped into the dark.  It’s especially amazing for capturing the complexities of Feanor, as he hovers over his children as a spirit and it really brought me around on his character. The Silmarillion and other First Age Batshit Faves: ✦ The Starlit Sky by Cirth is the fic that really made me get the potential of reading about Maedhros and Maglor raising Elrond and Elros, where it does such a fantastic job of showing that there was genuine affection there, even the midst of all the angst and trauma and pain.  You really get why Elrond could never give up on them, after reading this fic. ✦ In Courts of Living Stone by ncfan - “What if Maeglin never left Nan Elmoth and instead, several decades later, found himself on an errand to Menegroth and developed a relationship with Finduilas instead?” isn’t a fic I expected to capture my heart, but boy did it ever.  Beautiful characterization and beautiful writing, it really captured my imagination, but also gave me ALLLLLL the Maeglin feelings, as well as made me pine that this Finduilas couldn’t have been more common in fandom. ✦ naught but the shores and the sea by ncfan is more of Elrond and Maglor, where it’s an AU that has Elrond finding Maglor after the disastrous attempt to recover the Silmarils and I loved it a lot. ✦ The Crane Wife by Trebia is one that takes an underused character from Tolkien (Lalwen, in this case) and breathes this incredible life into her, gives her personality and joy and sorrow and meaning and, look, any fic that can convince me that Thranduil would marry a Noldo and utterly believe it, you know it’s well-written! The Second Age Is Kind of Quiet in Fandom But I Love It Regardless: ✦ The Art of Long-Distance Grandparenting by Kazaera is a lovely and bittersweet (but mostly lighter in tone) fic about the separation of the Sea between family members and does a wonderful job with Idril’s character, as she tries to stay connected to her grandchildren while being so distant from them and unable to see them, unless they choose to come to Aman.  There’s joy to be found here and it’s a lovely read. ✦ Relativity by French Pony is a lovely look at the final meeting between Elrond and Elros and strikes the right amount of bittersweetness, where it’s awkward and difficult and heartbreaking, but also feels natural and like this was how it was meant to be.  I had many, many Elven Twin feelings during the whole thing.  (I like all their fic, they’re worth checking out their other stuff for, too!) ✦ A Thing or Two About Elrond by Crookneck is a series of fics about Elrond and the various relationships he has--with Celebrian, with his children, with Gil-Galad, etc.--and I remember being really charmed by all of them and how much shit Elrond has seen over the course of his life. The Third Age, Lord of the Rings Version: ✦ Boromir's Return by Osheen Nevoy - This one is sort hard to summarize, but it’s basically “Boromir lives, makes a friend, and slowly changes everything about the LOTR plot”, but it’s so much more than that, where the worldbuilding is phenomenal, the pacing is incredible, it made me fall in love with Boromir as a character all over again, it contains probably the best portrayal of Denethor I’ve ever read in fandom, and I really loved the OC and so on.  It’s utterly engrossing and honestly I cannot recommend it highly enough, even if you’re not usually into this sort of thing. ✦ The River by Indigo Bunting is a fic where Legolas and Sam get separated from the others for a brief time and I love fics that take two characters who don’t interact much, throw them into an intense situation, and sees what happens.  It’s not precisely a light-hearted fic, it’s very intense, but it’ll make you fall in love with the sheer good in both characters and the friendship they develop.  It’s brilliantly written and I cannot recommend it enough. ✦ A Bit of Rope by Aiwendiel is a fic where Gandalf doesn’t fall at Moria and it changes everything--not necessarily for the better.  The slow, creeping sense of things changing, things going just a little bit worse here and there, until you realize how much darker the Fellowship’s journey could have been, was brilliantly done, and one I thought did justice to the idea, it’s not grimdark, there’s still light and hope here, but it makes you feel like, oh, maybe things happened as they did for a reason, even as hard as that seemed sometimes.  Gorgeously plotted and utterly engrossing. The Third Age, Mirkwood Version: ✦ daw the minstrel has an entire series of fics about Legolas growing up in Mirkwood and there’s absolutely a reason why she was one of the most well-known authors in that corner of fandom.  Her ability to create new characters (including two brothers for Legolas) was incredible, I cared so much about the family dynamics and got swept up in the drama (which was in a very loving family, but Legolas was definitely a mischief-seeker) and they’re fantastic.  If you find yourself in something of a stretch with too many OCs and your attention wavers, you can always skip around, they don’t have to be read in order and a lot of the non-canon characters can be skimmed over, imo. ✦ In a Field of Blood and Stone by ScribeofArda is so much better than what The Hobbit movies gave us of the Battle of Five Armies, it does such beautiful justice to the complicated character of Thranduil and Legolas, not sacrificing the warmth there for how difficult these times are and the war they find themselves in the middle of.  This Bard is also really engaging and fun to read--I read pretty much the entire novel’s worth in, like, a day or two because I could not put this one down. ✦ Swordplay and Swimming by cliodna_bright has an incredible meeting where Thranduil comes to visit Rivendell, runs into Elladan and Elrohir, who are young enough that they speak without thinking, and it’s not precisely a humor fic, but I was screaming the entire time because it’s so sharply written and so absolutely delightful, I LOVE IT. ✦ Deep and Crisp and Even by rivlee made me fall in love with how Elves and humans may look very similar, but there’s this sense of otherworldliness to the Elves, as shown through Bard’s eyes when he has a meeting with Thranduil.  Beautifully written and just the right amount of atmospheric. The Fourth Age Where Everything Actually Does Mostly Work Out: ✦ Far Horizons by Bodkin is the Fourth Age fic of my heart, where the various Elves that we came to know in Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit are all in Aman and decide to build their own realm there.  Which is difficult because Elven Politics even just amongst themselves, much less clashing with all the established politics of the other Elven realms in Aman!  But it’s a light-hearted fic (for the most part) that’s about healing and moving forward, balancing their ties to their history versus that Middle-Earth changed them, and I love it for soothing my soul.  (Thranduil sailed, you can’t tell me otherwise!!!)(Bonus moments of Glorfindel being pretty hilarious.)  I like all of bodkin’s work, but this one has a special place with me. ✦ Age of Healing by trollmela is one where Maedhros and Legolas have a conversation in Aman and it’s about the bittersweetness of healing and how difficult it is, taking two characters who would never have met in canon and weaving something entirely engaging and poignant out of it. Collections That Span The Ages: ✦ This Taste of Shadow by Mira_Jade - This is a collection of dozens of various shorter stories (or sometimes 10k “ficlets”) that you can largely skip around in if you have specific characters you like or you can just start at the beginning and read through.  It contains looks at pretty much everyone, from Maedhros to Galadriel to Thranduil to Elrond to Caranthir to Glorfindel to the Valar, etc.  I’ve enjoyed pretty much everything I’ve read in this collection! ✦ Fiondil's Tapestry and Tales from Vairë's Loom by Fiondil are in the same vein and I have really enjoyed everything I’ve read from both of them!  I especially remember that there was one chapter that had a scene between Thranduil and Cirdan and thinking, ahhhh, why has no one ever written that before!? as an example of the neat things it does.  But also lots about Elrond and Glorfindel and the Valar and so on! This probably doesn’t feel like a super extensive list, but those collection series will give you an excellent spanning of Elves, Humans, Dwarves, Hobbits, etc., not just the same central characters, but giving time to a lot of lesser focused ones as well.  Like, I feel I’ve read a fair chunk of Elwing fic, but I couldn’t point you to a specific one in my list of recs, which means I’m pretty sure it was in the collections ones or else she got some good scenes in one of the Aman-based fics, so I swear the above is at least a solid place to start for dipping one’s toe into Tolkien fic. AS ALWAYS, OTHER PEOPLE’S RECS ARE WELCOME, god knows I haven’t read anything in the last two years (and will have missed a lot even before that) and so I always need more recs, too!

[gayoperatorgunclub]

Is the ultimate ship meme still open? If so, may we p-please get Thatcher/Kaid for it ÓwÒ

i think this’ll be the last one i do for right now, but feel free to send more in!!! it’ll just take a while for me to get to em. anyways, here are your old men: 

General:

Rate the Ship -   Awful | Ew | No pics pls | I’m not comfortable | Alright | I like it! | Got Pics? | Let’s do it! | Why is this not getting more attention?! | The OTP to rule all other OTPs

How long will they last? - til one of them dies but i think they’d be the types to grow old together, just without any of the relaxing that usually comes with that trope. they both decided when they were very young that they’d work til they died

How quickly did/will they fall in love? - slowly, but steadily. neither are very outwardly affectionate, but it’s clear to everyone around them that they’re in love

How was their first kiss? - they had been sparring, when jalal leant down and gave a mike a lil kiss :) 

Wedding:

Who proposed? - jalal. they were watching the sunset on mike’s boat, and he just gently pressed the ringbox into mike’s hand

Who is the best man/men? - for mike: sledge. for jalal: oryx

Who is the braid’s maid(s)? - for mike: dokkaebi. for kaid: nomad

Who did the most planning? - neither! they don’t really enjoy big ceremonies

Who stressed the most? - they were both nervous, but they’re both at that stage in life where they know better than to stress too much. they’re just chill grandpas with trauma :*)

How fancy was the ceremony? - Back of a pickup truck | 2 | 3 | 4 | Normal Church Wedding | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Kate and William wish they were this big.

Who was specifically not invited to the wedding? - they didn’t really invite anyone to the wedding besides the neccessary witnesses and close friends, but ig mike’s ex 

Sex:

Who is on top? - i think they switch, but more often than not mike’s on top

Who is the one to instigate things? - both! they usually schedule it tho 

How healthy is their sex life? - Barely touch themselves let alone each other | 2 | 3 | 4 | Once a couple weeks, nothing overboard | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They are humping each other on the couch right now

How kinky are they? - Straight missionary with the lights off | 2 | 3 | 4 | Might try some butt stuff and toys | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Don’t go into the sex dungeon without a horse’s head

How long do they normally last? - they are OLD!!!!!!! so not very long

Do they make sure each person gets an equal amount of orgasms? - multiple orgasms??? at this age?????

How rough are they in bed? - Softer than a butterfly on the back of a bunny | 2 | 3 | 4 | The bed’s shaking and squeaking every time | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | Their dirty talk is so vulgar it’d make Dwayne Johnson blush. Also, the wall’s so weak it could collapse the next time they do it.

How much cuddling/snuggling do they do? - No touching after sex | 2 | 3 | 4 | A little spooning at night, or on the couch, but not in public | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | They snuggle and kiss more often than a teen couple on their fifth date to a pillow factory.

Children:

How many children will they have naturally? - they have enough kids in rainbow as it is, the last thing they need is actual children running around, especially on a boat. jalal’s sphynx cat is more than enough, thanks

How many children will they adopt? - ALL OF RAINBOW

Who gets stuck with the most diapers? - neither

Who is the stricter parent? - the two of them are sometimes the only semblance of a parent to these operators, so they simultaneously have to be firm, but nurturing. luckily, they’ve both perfected the art of Fathering

Who stops the kid(s) from doing dangerous stunts after school? - the amount of times jalal has explained to a drunk oryx that he can’t run through concrete, or mike has told smoke that mustard gas has been banned from war, so no he can’t use it during training is truly worrying

Who remembers to pack the lunch(es)? - idk but mike is the more protective one. if anyone outside of rainbow makes some bigoted/racist comment to one of His Kids, he’ll have to be restrained by seamus and gilles before he beats their ass (one time some dipshit was catcalling dokki, and mike almost committed a murder)

Who is the more loved parent? - depends on the op!

Who is more likely to attend the PTA meetings? - in the event an operator is severely injured during a mission (physically or emotionally), their Government-Assigned Dad WILL be present when harry comes to interview them or w/e. gotta protect the kids from Institution, you know? 

Who cried the most at graduation? - they don’t cry, but they do give massive bear hugs whenever something big happens for one of the other ops

Who is more likely to bail the child(ren) out of trouble with the law? - mike, as long as they had a good reason 

Cooking:

Who does the most cooking? - jalal. mike can only acquire food, he knows nothing about preparing it

Who is the most picky in their food choice? - mike. he hates stringy cheese

Who does the grocery shopping? - mike. he always complains about jalal spending too much on brand name stuff when the store brand version is just as good, AND significantly cheaper! 

How often do they bake desserts? - whenever one of them has time to pick up cake or ice cream or something

Are they more of a meat lover or a salad eater? - meat lover meat lover meat lover meat lover

Who is more likely to surprise the other(s) with an anniversary dinner? - mike, with maestro’s assistance

Who is more likely to suggest going out? - also mike, but he demands takeout. stupid ass hermit man

Who is more likely to burn the house down accidently while cooking? - mike is not allowed to cook because of this

Chores:

Who cleans the room? - jalal. he’s very neat and orderly

Who is really against chores? - mike hates cleaning. slob. 

Who cleans up after the pets? - mike acts like jalal’s cat is a nuisance, but he secretly adores her, so he makes sure her litterbox is always clean, fills her water dish, and gives her extra treats

Who is more likely to sweep everything under the rug? - mike

Who stresses the most when guests are coming over? - neither. they don’t invite guests over (they joke about seamus legally being a resident of the Iron Maiden since he’s there so often)

Who found a dollar between the couch cushions while cleaning? - seamus. mike immediately demanded it be given to him as seamus’ rent

Misc:

Who takes the longer showers/baths? - jalal’s cat

Who takes the dog out for a walk? - when both jalal and mike are on a mission, seamus and adriano will take care of jalal’s cat, which includes taking her for walks like a dog. she’s a very adventurous little lady

How often do they decorate the room/house for the holidays? - mike has fairy lights strung up around the boat, but that’s about it

What are their goals for the relationship? - mutual contentment and companionship!!!!

Who is most likely to sleep till noon? - jalal’s cat

Who plays the most pranks? - jalal :)

[judehayward]

lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah… this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. i’ve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. it’s nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to jude’s intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) 🧙‍🎨

「douglas booth & cis-male」⇾ hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

he pinterest:

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger’s rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so he’s jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face

despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt 😔 jude rly likes it it’s kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family

they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran

(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt he’s a survivor

(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of… hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he… stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like… drivin around the place sort of… tryin nt to cry…..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw… broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room……. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing he’s jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean he’s gd bt… chill

he’s rly sarcastic n so deadpan like he’ll say smthn completely ridiculous bt he’ll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... it’s rly hard to tell when he’s joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how he’s Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his world’s so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music.... 

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesn’t rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight....... 

(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose i’m jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht it’s concerning (sometimes way past the point tht it’s concerning too :/)

this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! ‘additionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption ‘bard knwos cardiology’ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.‘

EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... it’s his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this he’s like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc it’s her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. it’s the thought tht counts.....

PLOTS!!!!!

plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................

mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? i’d like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed

someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb they’re up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n it’s become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company

jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy he’s punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect it’s kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw 😔 all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie

perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesn’t tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesn’t like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever

currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt i’d love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb there’s a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... they’re like he’s at it again. they’ve named him n everything

HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu i’d love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all

[immiebee]

Who wants some Alaric fluff?! My laptop is still being worked on and improved so I haven’t been able to post to AO3.

Brief mentions of trauma and abuse.

Story is 19 (though it doesn’t mean that trauma is ok when you become an adult) and Alaric is 21. Just thought I would mention their ages so not to confuse people.

......

Hearing the heavy door creak open to his room, Alaric let out a loud sleepy yawn as the light from the hallway illuminated his face. Sitting up on his elbows and rubbing the sleep from his blue eyes, the young man peeked an eye open. A blurry figure filled the doorway as he focused.

Giving a sleepy grin, Alaric made out Story’s features in the door way. The strawberry blonde man was wrapped in a blanket and curled into himself as he waited for Alaric to let him in. Quirking an eyebrow Alaric let out a soft chuckle as he scooted over in his large bed, happily thumping the bed.

“You don’t have to ask, Story. If you have a nightmare you can come in here whenever you need.”

Awkwardly standing in the doorway, Story gave a soft whine before shaking his head and backing out into the hall. Standing up and slowly walking his way over, Alaric gently held out his hand for the other, a soft smile breaking across his face.

“Would you like to sleep in the bed with me?”

The shorter man nodded vigorously, “Please.....”

“Of course!” Slowly closing the door and leaving it open a crack; Alaric knew Story hated the dark, something that Story never spoke of, but when left in the dark for an extended amount of time the younger man would pass out in sheer terror. It made Alaric’s blood boil and his chest tighten to think of what could have happened to the other to make his body simply shut down after a few minutes of total darkness. Shaking his long ombré hair Alaric lifted the cover for Story before making his way over to his side.

Snuggling back into warm covers Alaric fluffed up his pillows before nuzzling in for a night well rested. That was until Story began to sniffle. Turning over Alaric gently placed a hand on his bed mates shoulder.

“Story?” Softly questioning the other, “Do you want to cuddle?”

Letting out a soft cry Story buried his face into his blankets, “A....a part of me wants to......but I can’t.....it hurts......”

Sitting up on his knees Alaric went wide eyed in panic, “What hurts!? Is something broken?”

Shaking his head Story shrugged his shoulders. The blonde’s green eyes full of tears, “My heart hurts. My head says you’ll hurt me. My heart says no, but it believes the thoughts my head is telling me.”

Sitting back on his heels Alaric breathed a sigh of relief the other wasn’t in any physical pain. Another slam of aggression rose in his chest at Story’s sorrow.

Those bastards! If he ever sees one outside the Red Market......well let’s just say he might need to practice on how well he could control his illusion casting while beating the shit out of someone......

Peeking over the others shoulders he gave an encouraging smile, “You know I would never hurt you or make you distrust me. I think I have a solution for your dilemma.” Hopping off the bed Alaric races for the door as he swung it open. Story sat up clutching the blankets as his friend raced out the door before Alaric doubles back, “Stay here. You’re safe! I have to run to my Hide Away! I’ll be right back!”

Story gave a soft nod as he heard the rush of foot falls race down the hall. Nearly ten minutes later, Story nervously biting his thumb as he waited for the other to return, finally heard the sound of feet heading towards the room. Peeking out of the covers Story let out a relieved sigh before it turned into a startled shriek of terror at the beast filling the doorway. It had the mane of lion, the horns of a ram, the feet of Alaric, the tray of snacks?????? .......Story pulled the blankets off his head, his blonde hair frazzled at the sudden appearance of Alaric struggling with a tray of snacks and two giant plushies.

“Ow! Ow! Dammit, Ram-Bam!” Alaric tripping over a giant plush hoof before he let out a soft shriek, “Mini Ma! Nooooo!!!!!! Now your paw is sticky with jelly!”

Story let out a soft giggle as Alaric flopped the two massive plushies on the bed, a few cookies scattering over the blankets in the process. Story swiftly scooping them up and tucking them safely to his chest before nibbling on the late night snack. After a few moments of juggling his haul Alaric finally turned his attention to the other. Grinning he picked the other up under his armpits, a soft squeal filled the room as Story was tucked into a pile of pillows before Alaric grabbed the giant well loved ram and lion plushies. Putting the lion plush on the side of the bed and under Story, Alaric soon places the ram plush between the two of them before giving a satisfied nod.

Scooping up the tray he handed over a cup of warm milk before setting the plate of soft cookies between the two of them. Mumbling as he took a mouthful of cookie, “There! Nothing better than a warm snack before bed and two large plushies to snuggle with!”

Patting the lion plush Story gave a soft smile before he quickly halted his descent to run his face in the soft mane. Alaric’s bright smile and nod, gave him all he needed before setting his cup on the nightstand and burying his face into the mane. A large plush hoof soon rested in the middle of his back as Alaric moved to settle down for sleep. His own cup and tray placed on the other nightstand.

Reaching over the ram plush, Alaric gently tussled Story’s messy hair, “There! You get snuggles and I won’t break your trust. Plus Ram-Bam’s fat so I won’t accidentally grab you for a snuggle in the middle of the night!”

Story’s soft giggles filled the room, the blonde reached back linking fingers with the other, momentarily startling the other man, “Thank you....”

Kissing his fingers, Alaric quickly tucked himself against his pillow, hand still locked with the other, “Sleep well, Story.”

~~~~~~~~

“Lactarius......what are you doing?” Valerius quirked an eyebrow as Lactarius came back from her shopping trip. A large behemoth turtle plushie nearly swallowing her alive as she struggled to keep it off the floor. The witch struggling to get through the front door.

“Story has been sleeping with Ram-Bam and Mini Ma at night.” Huffing, the greying witch sat the massive plush down in front of herself.

“Ah, I was wondering why Alaric had drug them out from his study.” The Consul had given a quizzical head tilt when he found Ram-Bam sitting on the knole couch in their library only for the ram plushie to disappear a few minutes later when he went to ask Lactarius about it.

“Hide Away....”

Pinching his brow Valerius chuckled, “Hide Away. Yes. Hiding everything precious to him while his own home is being constructed so we don’t throw it away.”

“You did threaten to toss his collection of random buttons.” Laughing she let out a sigh, “Anyways, Alaric told me Story has been having trouble with sleeping by himself, but whatever happened to him in the past, he can’t bring himself to trust anyone to snuggle with him yet. So I thought I would go out an buy him a weighted plushie to help him sleep at night!”

Valerius’ eyes wrinkled as he smiled at his wife. Walking over he dropped a kiss to her lips before stroking her cheek. “You are amazing. You are a wonderful mother.....it is a shame we couldn’t have more.” His golden eyes went downcast at the memory of the doctors telling them she would be unable to have another child after Alaric was born.

Kissing his palm, Lactarius gave a smile, “Have you not met our son? He’s like three kids rolled into one body. We would have been sent to an early grave had we had more.”

Letting out a choked laugh Valerius kissed her once more, “I blame his mother. Wild blood. Absolutely mad.”

“His father’s drinking must have scrambled all of his good senses.”

The entrance hall filled with ruckus laughter as the pair playfully bantered back and forth as they made their way to Alaric’s Hide Away, were the two young men most likely hiding from the world.

Knocking on the door Alaric’s parents heard him holler from the opposite side of the door, “Come in!”

The pair stepped inside as Alaric greeted the two of them. His hair in a messy bun and his study a chaotic but organized mess, Valerius noting he must have been in the process of putting more things in boxes and preparing for his move to his new home next week. It made the Consul’s heart hurt just thinking about letting their only son go off and continue next stage of his life, Lactarius chuckling and reminded him that their son was literally going to be a mile walk through the woods. When Alaric had told the pair he had purchased the large woodlands behind their home, Lactarius felt something deep within in her chest. In her village, there was no option to leave. Yes, a woman could leave to find a suitable man to copulate and maybe have a meaningful relationship with. But once she had a child, there was no time to wander. You spent the rest of your life behind the thick vines and hidden walls of their village. The clan too good for the outside world to bother with the warring cities and helpless villages around them. The fact that her son chose by himself to remain near them made her heart fill with warmth.

Looking up she saw Story’s face peer down from the rope canopy, his blonde hair covering his one green eye. A chuckle breaking from her lips as he reminded her of Muriel. Acts like Muriel, but at a quick glance looks like a young Lucio. The young man staring down in awe at the giant turtle plushie at Lactarius’ feet.

Waving him down Lactarius called, “Story won’t you come down? I have a present just for you!”

A sudden sound of excited footfalls down the spiral staircase and suddenly the blonde was in front of them. Excitement in his eyes, lion plush gripped tightly in his one arm, and a bright smile on his face. As soon as his expression came, it went in a sudden unexpected bought of sheepishness.

Giggling Lactarius ran soft fingers through his hair, the young man leaning into the affection like a kitten, “You are fine, little one. You have a right to be excited! I got you something all your own in town today.” Holding up the giant plush Lactarius held it out for the young man, “It’s weighted, nothing too heavy, but just enough if you lay it across yourself at night it feels like you are cuddling with someone.”

Tossing a wink at Alaric, the young man affectionately straightening Ram- Bam’s bow before his mother caught his eye, “And I think Allie would like to cuddle his two favorite plushies again.”

“Momma......” Blushing Alaric sputtered, “I can share! It’s not a big deal.”

Before Lactarius could respond the turtle plush was lifted from her arms and held tightly against Story’s chest. The blonde tossing the plush over his shoulder so the large head and flippers hung over and draped across his chest while the weighted body rested across his back. Clutching the flippers together Story gave a bright smile, “Thank you, Matriarch!”

It was Valerius’ turn to laugh as his wife sputtered in embarrassment, “Just Lactarius will work for her. She gets flustered when anyone uses titles outside of court or ambassador meetings.”

Lifting the lion from the young man’s loosened grip, Valerius tucked it carefully under his arm while Story properly looked over his very own plush. The Consul blinked back tears when Story raced over to affectionately hug his wife, as soft whisper filling the space around them, “Thank you, Momma.”

Lactarius let out a wet laugh as she hugged the blonde close to her, “You’re welcome, little one!”

As Lactarius fussed and cooed over the blonde, neither father nor son dared to correct the young man currently wrapped in her arms.

[cocoarosalia]

Truth or Shot (LadyNoir)

Follow A Sister on AO3

“Chat, i don't know about this” Ladybug said eyeing the high end bottle of tequila between them and the makeshift spinner that was aimed right at her.

“What’s not to know” Chat Noir rebutted with his famous sly smile.

“Truth or shot?”

When Ladybug asked Chat to be her drinking partner this wasn’t even close to what she had in mind. And yet, she shouldn’t have expected anything less from his usual grandiose theatrics. Especially after her tearful cries to him for comfort.

And it was so stupid too. What did it matter that her boyfriend for the past 6 months suddenly just decided to up and ditch her for some skank with massive tits? Wasn’t her fault she wasn’t packing a pair of state fair, blue ribbon watermelons under her shirt. But even with that ladybug still found herself buying the biggest bottle of vodka her wallet could muster and crying to chat to drink with her until she forgot who she really was under the mask. He agreed but only on two conditions.

A) she let him buy the alcohol for the occasion (because according to him her choice was “insultingly cheap”)

B) that they drink it his way (“What’s the point in destroying bad thoughts if you can’t have a little fun”)

Had she have known that his way consisted of a russian roulette of shots and dirty black secrets she would’ve easily settled on just chugging it alone in her apartment until she passed out watching old cartoons. But that was just the effect Chat had on her. One teasing smile and a gaze into those way too sexy emerald eyes and she could follow him to the ends of the earth.

Which coincidentally happened to be at the bottom of a Don Julio bottle.

Ladybug eyed the clear bottle again. On the one hand she could just keep everything buried in the shadows and just drink to her stomach’s discontent. On the other hand was the fact that she knew she had rather loose lips once alcohol got involved. So the way she saw it it was either voluntary truth or involuntary spewing of information….

She’d rather be aware of her stupidness first-hand

“Alright kitty, what do you wanna know?”

God, she could feel her hands pricking with pins and needles as she awaited her dreaded fate. This was such a stupid idea and she knew it but she was desperate for mental escape. But what would he ask? Would he ask of her identity, her true feelings of him, something even worse? Her heart beat erratically as she stared down his alluringly green eyes. She steeled her nerves, prepared to deflect anything.

“Last tuesday when you said my new scarf looked dumb and then said you were kidding...did you actually mean that?”

Oh that’s right, this is chat we’re talking about...he’s about as deep as water poured on a glass counter

Ladybug groaned in a mix of relief and annoyance “Yes kitty I meant that. The scarf actually brought out your eyes quite nicely”

“Works for me!” He grinned with his usual boyish charm. Taking the tequila bottle by the neck he carefully poured himself a shot and tipped it back. She couldn’t contain her composure as she snorted at his face twisted in disgust.

“Now explain to me why YOU’RE the one drinking again?”

“Oh simple” he said casually “Refuse to answer, you drink. Decide to answer, I drink”

“So either way, one of us is getting smashed”

“Or both of us, depending on how the night goes”

Ladybug’s lips split into an eager smile. “Sounds fair to me” She took hold of the spinner and whipped it around “Now let’s see how far we can really go”

Unsurprisingly, the arrow landed on everyone’s favorite feline. She looked at his face for any kind of discomfort but it appeared his poker face was air tight as he balanced his shot glass on the tip of his nose.

“Well kitty?” she said, leaning back into her chair atop a cafe roof “Pick your poison”

“Ooo sexy choice of words my lady” Chat replied, still relaxed in his own chair “But for the sake of fun i’ll choose truth”

Ladybug drummed her fingers along her chin, humming absently while she thought about her question. When it finally hit her, her eager smile slid into something more devious and rather mischievous.

“What was the last thing you searched on your phone”

A flurry of giggles spilled from her lips as she watched Chat nearly fall out of his chair and directly onto his poor kitty cat ears.

“W-why do you wanna know that?” He demanded

She smirked at his clear discomfort “Because either I get to learn about all those naughty fanfics that I KNOW you read on your off time OR I get to see you squirm and down another shot”

Ladybug was really starting to turn her opinion around on this whole game of his since it meant watching the inner machinations of her poor kitty’s mind (which of course amounted to nothing more than a knocked over milk carton). Chat wracked his brain endlessly for some type of loophole out of this, but, sadly he could find none and had to concede defeat.

He straightened out his back and cleared his throat. Ladybug rolled her eyes, all of this for a silly secret. What a ham.

“The last thing I looked at were porn fics about us”

She was stunned silent. She didn’t think he’d actually admit it! She moved to blindly just pour herself a shot but then paused. What if he was lying? Even better, if he was telling the truth...just how filthy were these fics of his?

“I’d like your phone please minou” She said plainly

Chat’s eyes were as wide as the twinkling moon above them “FOR WHAT!? I told the truth”

Ladybug clicked her teeth disapprovingly “Now kitty, such an outlandish answer demands proof don’t you think?”

“Not really, no”

she swooped up his phone into her hands before he could even have time to blink  “Isn’t that unfortunate for you then”

She fully expected for him to be lying, covering up something more embarrassing under something lewd and outrageous

Oh how she only wished

Pages upon pages, bookmarks beyond bookmarks of various levels of smut were plastered along his phone screen. And the worse part was that it ranged! One minute she could be glancing over a sweet intimate peace on them revealing themselves to one another and in a heartwarming flurry of emotions they would pour out their love in a beautiful show of trust and acceptance….

And the next she’s reading one where Chat has her strung up in a hotel room with a vibrator shoved up between her legs while he’s smacking her ass and she’s calling him sir and begging for more

Suffice it to say the cat was well out of its bag

Ladybug gently put the phone down with her face matching well to her suit and was instantly met with both shot glasses filled to the brim being pushed her way. She glanced up at him, considering protesting but his reply left her with nothing to combat against

“One is for me telling the truth. The other is for putting me through that humiliation”

She sighed and bravely downed both shots, the plan was to get wasted after all

Shortly after that little fiasco the pair fell into something of a rhythm. They asked about each other’s lives and families, experiences and regrets and within about 3 shots each they were pretty fucking comfortable with one another.

“Did your parents ever give you the birds and bees talk?”

“My father? Not a chance in hell. The man tossed me a ‘my body and me’ book and never looked back. Have you ever, you know, ‘walked in’ on your parents?”

“I so supremely do NOT want to relive that trauma (I still will never look at marshmallows the same ever again) so I move to drink.”

“Booo lame ladybug”

“Oh shut up you weren’t there in the fall of my 11th year”

“Was it really that bad-”

“YES IT WAS THAT BAD NOW LET ME DESTROY THE MEMORIES IN ALCOHOL”

It was about 4 more shots in and the realization that, yes, Ladybug has had a wardrobe malfunction once before (AND ON THE ONE DAY HE HAD TO TAKE OFF FOR OTHER WORK) that she began to finally feel all the booze hit her system. Suddenly the space around her began to feel hazy and warm while her suit felt itchy and too tight. Her glazed eyes peered over at chat gulping down another shot. And then, she had that thought. The kind of thought that only borderline drunks and rabid fangirls has.

Chat was stupidly attractive

Ok, obviously she’d never say he was bad looking at all but he was a FAR cry from what he used to look like when they were just plucky teenagers trying to figure out what the hell a hormone even was. He used to be nothing but skin and bone, Lithe, lanky, and in much need of a well cooked homemade meal. Not to mention his speech wasn’t much better with his sizeable collection of horrendous puns and white knight way of “courting” her. It was cute and all, maybe even charming sometimes, but she never felt anything more than a fluttering crush that would peter out under the immense weight of her puppy love crush on Adrien Agreste.

But somewhere in between their usherance into adulthood and agreeing that fucking during work time would NOT be the best use of their time, Chat decided to get all….stimulating.

I mean just a heads up that he would run off and be remodeled into the son of Adonis himself would’ve been appreciated. He grew to a dizzying 6”3 seemingly overnight, towering over her tiny frame and taking an annoying amount of pleasure from their height difference. He grew his hair out longer and was apparently hitting the gym EVERY. FUCKING. DAY cause while he wasn’t a beef cake he definitely was not the one you’d wanna fuck with in a bar fight

But on a rooftop with all her inhibitors drowned in a sea of Don Julio?

She’d fuck with him. Ohhhh She’d fuck with him goooooood.

Ladybug suddenly stood up from her seat and slowly raked her eyes over Chat’s sculpted body. He looked at her with a confused expression. ‘He has no idea, does he?’ She mused ‘That makes this even more fun’.

It was as if her body was running completely on autopilot, operating on nothing but blind desire. She sauntered her way to the other side of the table, her hips swaying to an almost exaggerated extent. She could tell that Chat was getting antsy now, his tail flicking around nervously. She was getting way too close for someone not saying a word.

So when she just plopped herself onto his lap and wrapped her arms possessively around his neck it was like the air was being knocked clean out of him.

“W-woah there cowgirl!” He sputtered nervously “I think your seat is on the other side of that table over there”

Ladybug ignored him, much to his dismay. She just pressed her body in closer, the smell of the alcohol seeping from her lips. It left his mind empty for a moment. Normally the smell of alcohol made him feel a little nauseous but with it being mixed with her cherry gum that she must’ve been chewing earlier it left him with a all too familiar tingle sitting at the meeting of his legs. She really needed to hop off him...preferably sooner rather than later.

She lifted her head from the cook of his neck and looked up at him. Damn, she was even cuter and sexier up close. Age clearly did wonders for his favorite bug. Her face still had its usual plush cheeks, dotted with freckled that looked like stars dancing across her face. And she even stayed pretty much the same height (to which he will never get over since it meant he could plop his head atop hers which, come on, who wouldn’t). But she must’ve sold her first born to Aphrodite cause when they met she was as thin as paper with the non-existent curves to match.

But now?

Now, she apparently just decided to have the body of a valley with abs of military grade steel and an ass that just refuses to quit (that he would honestly murder for). She was all the woman he could dream and drool for, powerful and athletic but still quite huggable after a bad day

And let him reiterate...she REALLY needs to hop off him

“Kitty” She sang sweetly in his ear “Let’s keep drinking”

Chat laughed nervously “I would say sure but first you’d need to be off of my lap for me to reach it and second I think you’ve had just about enough liquid courage in your system.”

She puffed out her cheeks defiantly. “Bullshit” She slurred out “I can get it my damn self! Just stay right here”

…….

“Oh this isn’t even fair”

Ladybug sat up on her knees, still nested comfortably on top of his legs and stretched herself backward to grab the bottle off the table. He had to hold on to her lower back with both hands just to keep her from falling off. Chat suddenly got a full open view of her smooth plane of stomach, delicately sculpted abs and soft peaks of breasts.

His mouth felt horribly dry, and there was really only one way he wanted to quench it

“Hah! Told you I could do it!” She exclaimed when she sat back up. Ladybug was a giggling mess, but not entirely at random. She knew what she was doing and she knew EXACTLY how it was affecting her favorite feline (These suits are obscenely thin). But she didn’t care. Chat wasn’t kidding about that liquid courage thing either, she felt like she could do anything her little heart desired. And unfortunately for his self-control that meant him.

“Congrats buginette but that still doesn’t change the fact that-”

“Chaton” She interrupted, the booze lightly clutched in her hand “Where do you go when we don’t patrol together”

He initially thought she was joking, teasing him about being unfaithful or something. Her eyes spoke to him differently though. There was a kind of mirth behind her eyes, a playfulness that gave him a feeling of high alert. This was still a game to her. But to what end? He hadn’t the slightest clue.

He attempted to laugh it off “Don’t tell me you think i’m swaying my tail for another superhero. I’m a one cat woman, Ladybug. Plus you could easily snap me in half over your knee so I’d rather not cheat on you”

He petted her head softly. If he could just lull her into passing out on his chest then he can just drop her off at her apartment and deal with his own biological problem in the comfort of his own apartment with some well written smut (Satisfaction Brought It Back, here he comes!). But Ladybug wasn’t giving in that easy.

She shook off his warm hand and started to giggle drunkenly “Someone’s a liar~” She cooed “That means that it’s BOTTOM’S UP KITTY CAT!”

Chat suddenly had the tequila bottle forced up against his lips. He swallowed down two big gulps of the burning liquid and spat out the rest. Ladybug laughed almost maniacally at his predicament.

“Christ that burns” Chat said after catching his breath “And are you insane? I’m not lying!”

Her laughing dyed down to a light chuckle “That’s not what that cute baker girl told me~”

The color that once painted his face was dyed a complete white. There’s no way she knew. He always waited at least 5 minutes before approaching her apartment. She’s just crazy! Yea...she was just being a crazy, deluded drunk…

Right?

Her lips were just a hair’s breadth away from his ear “From what I hear, you’ve been visiting that Marinette girl eeeevery night when you’re not with me”

“A-and what about you” He said defensively “It’s not like you’ve been able to keep your hands to yourself around that model Adrien….A-at least from what I’ve heard anyway”

Honestly he couldn’t care less that she was more into him as a civilian than a hero. As time wore on and they got older he realized that if she liked him one way then chances were that she’d like him the other way too. He was honestly just being a pussy about the whole thing but figured that he’d wait until she was ready. Until then he had no problem playing her mystery lover that she could visit in the dead of night. His window will always be open for her.

Ladybug hummed in agreement “Hmm that is true I do enjoy rocking his little model world whenever I can”

‘I know she’s talking about me but that salt doesn’t burn any less’

“But the way I see it” Her eyes darkened with a predatory hunger “He’s not here right now, is he?”

Chat felt like he was having an out of body experience. Ladybug, his partner in justice, woman of his heart and subsequent wet dreams was currently smacking her cherry alcohol tasting lips to his. It was all he had ever wished for in the dead of night. He had reached his nirvana!

….until his stupid conscious had to come kicking him in his leather bound tail

He let out a small whimper of regret. He could feel Ladybug just starting to poke her tongue through his lips right before he took hold of her face. He pulled her away and caught his breath. The look in her eyes set his whole body on fire, eyes foggy with wanton desire and lips tinted pink with what little kissing she could get in. Fuck, he wasn’t drunk enough for this!

“Look,” He said reluctantly “I want this, sweet merciful christ I want this so fucking bad it quite literally hurts to not have my tongue down your throat right now.” He sighed for what felt like the 15th time that night “But I am a gentleman first and I won’t take advantage of you like this. You’re drunk, possibly emotionally damaged as well, and it would honestly be scummy of me to prey on that just because I want to fuck you into the morning light. I’m taking you home, you’re gonna go to bed and we’re gonna forget any of this even happened. Plus, who knows, you might just reconcile with your ex or some sappy shit like that”

“Well that’s fucking stupid”

Huh?

Ladybug honestly looked annoyed by his impassioned speech. She put the alcohol back onto the table and wrapped her arms back around Chat’s neck. She even wiggled her butt on his lap to punish him a little.

“I don’t give a ripe, flying fuck about that dickless fuckboy.”

Chat doesn’t think he’s ever heard her say fuck so many times in a sentence….it was honestly super hot

“As much as i’ve been fucking Adrien I know he has his sights on another. So I’m currently 0-2 on getting consistent dick and it’s making me want to beat the nearest criminal till he bleeds out”

‘This feels like a one-sided conversation and I genuinely do not care’

“Now you listen here, kitty cat. I like you. Hell, I think I might even love you. Certainly enough to have been wanting to fuck you since entering college. So are you gonna let me have what I want?”

‘This night could not possibly get any better!’

He leaned in to give her everything he had and more but paused ‘Oh wait. Yes it can!’

“One question before we wake up the neighborhood”

Ladybug clicked her tongue in irritation “What now?”

Chat laughed at her eagerness and nestled in her chest “What exactly was your ex’s name anyway?”

“What does that matter?” She was getting impatient, how cute

“Because,” Chat dropped his suit and looked up at her with a dangerously playful look in his eye “Famous model Adrien Agreste wants to make sure he calls him by the right name while i’m bragging about how good i’m giving it to you”

Ladybug didn’t even bother making a show out of dropping her suit as she grabbed the tequila one last time, taking a massive swig “His name was Liam”

Adrien took it from her hands and swallowed the rest

“Let’s see if we can make you forget that”

[shaevira]

AU Promp from a03:  a Freezerburn family au from when they adopt Blake or Ruby (or maybe both)

WC: 1.6k

FREEZERBURN + Ruby & Blake kiddos. >:3c

“Do...do you think we’ll be good enough?” Weiss hesitantly asked as her and her partner, her lover, Yang Xiao Long drove towards their destination.

Their destination being the adoption agency, that had first gotten them in contact with not one, but two beautiful littles girls who were coming from an abusive household. Their ‘friend’ had taken them both in after their parents died - the man himself - was a not so nice man. Weiss and Yang had been told by the adoption agency this story and immediately jumped into action.

The couple had wanted children from the start of their relationship, and now that they were both in a stable place they could take the necessary steps for adoption and today was THE day. The process itself was long, it had taken them over a year to finalize everything. Now that the day was here, a sense of hesitation and unsureness had filled the mother-to-be Weiss Schnee.

Yang glanced at Weiss, making a confused face. “Whoa, whoa...where is this coming from?”

“I don’t know, I’m just worried that I won’t be a good parent. What if we’re not good parents? With our pasts like they are with our parents I’m just worried that we’ll…” Weiss took a long hard pause, she was nervously picking at her fingernails. She couldn’t finish her own sentence.

Yang pulled into the adoption agencies parking lot, parked the car and stared at Weiss who was still anxiously picking at herself. Yang grabbed her hand, and lightly caressed her hand - small circles with her thumb to ease Weiss. “We’re not going to end up like our parents. We’re already better than our parents. We’re willing to take risks, Weiss. These kids need us just as much as we need them.”

Weiss looked up at her, worried eyes slowly starting to fade away.

“We’re both better people than our parents. Together, we are unstoppable. I promise you, we will give them the home that we never had. Whatever happens, we will make it through. Together.” Yang raised Weiss’s hands to her lips - placing a gentle kiss upon them. “Let’s go.” her tone was gentle as she unbuckled herself, letting go of Weiss until they were out of the car.

//

Together they walked into the agency and waited for a receptionist to bring them to another room. There, seated were the two most beautiful little girls Yang and Weiss had set their eyes upon.

A black-haired girl with amber eyes, she resembled a very timid cat as she hid behind one of the chairs eyeing Yang and Weiss. She had seen them before and had been around them, but trust would take time. Yang and Weiss had all the time in the world.

Another girl was held in one of the caretaker's arms, silver eyes gleamed and stared directly at Weiss. She grasped towards Weiss, nearly falling out of the caretaker's arms - Weiss was quick to react and caught her. She now held the girl named Ruby who had somehow became instantly attached to Weiss.

“Well, we have everything here ready to go. You’re free to take the girls home. We will check up on you all for the next year to see if everything is going okay.” The caretaker stated.

“O-oh! That’s it then?” Weiss asked fairly surprised. The other woman nodded.

Yang approached Blake and kneeled down. “You want to come home with us?” Yang said in a very gentle and whispered tone.

Blake stared at her, still hiding behind the chair.

“I’ll read you plenty of bedtime stories, you can have milk and cookies.” Ruby cooed loudly at the word cookies as Yang spoke in her gentle tone “We can hide under blankets, and do whatever you’d like. What do you say?” she looked at her with hopefully eyes as she held out her hand.

Blake slowly nodded, now coming out from her hiding spot. Blake took Yang’s hand and hid behind her as they walked out of the building together. With Ruby in Weiss’s arms, and Blake holding Yang’s hand together the family left to start anew.

//

As soon as they arrived home, Blake had bolted behind Yang nearly knocking her over in the process. Weiss and Yang carried their belongings to the kids new room as Weiss did her best to juggle carrying Ruby while Yang had a small child attached to her leg.

“Here we are…” Yang set down Blake’s things while Weiss left Ruby’s stuff by the crib. The room itself was already neatly set up. Yang and Weiss had done massive amounts of shopping for the girls. Getting everything prepped and ready for when they arrived. They just hoped that they liked it.

Weiss and Yang knew it would take time. As even Yang had begun to get some jitters. A multitude of ‘What ifs…’ ran through the couple's mind. But for now everyone seemed to be getting along. Ruby was already attached to Blake so the two got along well. They were each other's companies through hard times. But those hard times were no longer.

Blake sat next to Yang’s feet in the room, as Weiss set down Ruby so they could be with one another. Surprisingly, a five to six year old Blake was strong enough to carry Ruby and place her on Blake’s new bed.

“You think they’ll be fine?” Weiss asked in a low whisper watching the two interact. They didn’t want to put any pressure on the girls, especially Blake. For now they would let them settle in, get used to the new sights, smells, and used to Weiss and Yang most of all. Ruby seemed to be fairly fine, no clear signs of trauma. Blake on the other hand...was a telling story.

Yang grimaced as she watched Blake. “O-of course. We’ve got this.”

///

The night went on fairly well. They fed the girls, bathed them, and played with them before setting them off to bed.

“So...Mama Weiss, how did our first day go?” Yang asked as they too, had begun to settle into bed only a few hours after they set the kids down.

Weiss turned to Yang as she laid there, both of them staring at one another. “I...I’m happy. We did it. We can keep doing it.”

“Good, I’m glad you think so. I’m so proud of us!” Yang pulled Weiss in closer and kissed her on the forehead. Weiss nuzzled into the crook of Yang’s neck.

“You’re so adorably optimistic. I love you.”

“I love -”

An echoing scream filled the house, followed by a loud burst of crying.

Weiss and Yang immediately jumped out of bed and ran towards the girls bedrooms.

They opened the door to find a crying Blake and Ruby - Blake was holding herself, crying and mumbling. Nightmares. Ruby was crying mostly because Blake was crying. She understood very little.

Yang immediately hopped to Blake’s side, and held onto her. Blake clutched her tiny body to Yang, sobbing immensely. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Blake cried - the first words she had spoken to them both.

“You’re okay! It’s okay! We’re here. No one’s going to hurt you. You’re safe.” Yang worriedly said, she tried her best to remain gentle and calm as she cradled the girl who was shoving her face into her chest.

//

Weiss held and rocked Ruby, to calm her down. She took her out of the room, and into their own bedroom. She began to sing soft lullabies. Slowly, but surely Ruby had calmed down sooner than Blake.

Yang carried Blake to their room soon after. Blake’s face still buried in Yang’s chest. “You can sleep with us tonight. We’ll protect you, no one is getting through us.” she whispered into Blake's ear.

Weiss and Yang had settled Ruby and Blake in between them. They wrapped the arms around the girls.

Ruby and Blake still sniffled and sobbed from time to time, but Yang had the idea to continue where Weiss left off on the lullaby.

Don’t you worry about the dark,

I will light up the night with love in my heart.

I will burn like the sun, I will keep you safe and warm.

Weiss soon joined in the song. The two softly singing to the girls.

Like the smell of a rose on a summer's day,

I will be there to take all your fears away.

With a touch of my hand, I will turn your life to gold.

Soon enough the sniffling had stopped, and light snores took their places. Blake and Ruby had fallen asleep once more.

Weiss and Yang stopped their singing at stared at each other with knowing eyes.

“W-we can do this, right Weiss?” Yang whispered asking her wife such an awfully insecure question. A hint of panic filled the room that only Weiss could feel. It was obvious to Weiss that Yang herself had begun to get flashbacks.

“Yang…” she reached over the girls, and gently caressed Yang’s face. “We can. Like you said this morning, they need us and we need them. It’s not going to be like this forever. Blake and Ruby will grow up to be two beautiful and happy girls. We will make it happen. The two of us. Together as a family.”

Yang wiped the tears away from her face and sniffled. As it was hard to believe, Yang was the bigger crier in the family. She nodded. “O-okay. I’m glad we’re doing this together.”

Weiss propped herself up, and carefully leaned over the girls, placing a gentle kiss on each of their heads before stopping at Yang and looking at her.

“I will always be here. For all of you. I love you Yang.” She kissed Yang’s forehead, then her lips.

When silence filled the air, and Weiss laid back down getting fairly comfortable a small but cherished set of words filled the air.

“I love you too Weiss.”