#i thought it was really funny that it was icp

[kn95-blog]

the world is mob's

[clementine-writes-things]

Edward Nashton Headcanons

Summary: My personal headcanons for Edward Nashton. Again, these are MY personal headcanons and I use them for when I write about him. So, yeah. I can't believe I'm just now writing headcanons for this guy. This is long overdue.

Content Warning: Sexual themes (there will be a section for NSFW headcanons), angst, trauma, and smoking. I have so many headcanons for this man...

(literally going to eat him)

~Read Below Cut~

~

(Before this starts, I want to clarify something. Run Rabbit Run, a series I made, is my personal 'background' story for y/n and Edward. Of course I don't use that story in all my Edward Nashton fanfics bc I have other ideas yk. But, overall, it's my personal headcanon story for him. So a lot of these headcanons will apply to that. I hope that makes sense lmao. Run rabbit run is like my concrete headcanon, and every other fanfic I've written about Edward is pretty loosey goosey and just for fun.)

(ALSO IN MY HEADCANON HE NEVER BOMBED THE SEAWALL AND ONLY KILLED FALCONE AND THOSE DIRTY POLITICIANS SO SHUT UP BLAHBLAHBLAH I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT GOTHAM BEING UNDER WATER RAHHHHHHH <3 okie thx)

SFW Headcanons:

He has autism 110%. He got tested for it when he got out of the orphanage and was not surprised when he discovered he had it.

He loves journaling. Sometimes he will scrapbook. He likes to document his feelings/thoughts, especially when he's feeling down.

One of my headcanons is that his Riddler persona is always apart of him. He can't 'get rid' of it. So, he goes to therapy to deal with it and the journaling helps a lot with it.

^following off on that, I think that after the events he did and after being with y/n he genuinely tries to reform. He would use his 'crave for justice' and apply it to protesting and standing up for human rights and stuff like that. So like, imagine roaringkitty from Dumb Money. He always informed ppl about stocks. Edward is like that except it's about social justice and equality. Slay.

He really loves fruit. Like a lot. He favors kiwi and watermelon a lot.

he likes to make protein shakes/smoothies for breakfast a lot!

because he's a boyfriend that acts like a dad, y/n once got him a "World's Best Dad" shirt for April Fools (since that's also his birthday, y/n actually got him a real gift too which was a photo of them in a cute little picture frame) but he found the shirt to be really funny so he'll occasionally wear it out in public and everyone is always confused

"World's best dad? How many kids do you have?" A woman asked.

"None."

"Oh..."

*he proceeds to leave the conversation and leave the woman extremely confused and concerned*

He smoked for a little while when he didn't care about his own health, but he stopped when he started dating y/n. It's difficult for him, but with y/n's encouragement he's doing a great job.

he goes to therapy

he listens to Lana Del Rey occasionally, but only cuz y/n listens to her...although he doesn't mind listening to her music...

although he doesn't really look like it, he LOVES metal. His favorite bands for heavy metal/ NU metal is as follows (ranked from most fav to least fav): System Of A Down, Megadeth, Korn, Slipknot, Metallica, Slayer)

Other bands/singers he likes are (in no order/specific genre): The Cramps, Weezer, Green Day, ICP, Gorillaz, Billy Idol, I Monster, Talking Heads (he loves the Talking Heads sm)

He also likes 'oldies' like The Inkspots, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, and Billie Holiday.

When he started dating y/n, he started to listen to hyperpop (bc y/n listens to hyperpop IN MY HEADCANON)

He isn't the biggest fan of hyperpop, but he doesn't HATE it. he actually loves some certain songs/artists. (mainly likes Lumi Athena and 100 gecs)

when edward and y/n go out to a social gathering, it looks like this:

but tbh, that's just how they look next to each other 24/7 lmao

edward loves to read books, especially classics like Frankenstein, Dracula, For Whom The Bell Tolls, A Clockwork Orange, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (bro loves banned books)

loves spoiling y/n with all his heart. the only thing keeping him from being a sugar daddy is that he is in the same age range as y/n. but other than that, he literally acts like a sugar daddy.

has a BUNCH of nicknames he made specifically for y/n such as: rabbit, bunny, firecracker, spazz, crackhead/drophead, and the sweetest one of all... "dickrider🥺" and he calls them that during silly little arguments or when y/n gets sassy

"Blah blah blah, Edward. I don't wanna hear it." - y/n

"Whatever, dickrider." - Edward

"'Scuse me?" - y/n

"You heard me. Dickrider." - Edward

"I am not a dickrider!" - y/n

"Well..." - Edward

"No." - y/n

"Wellllll..." - Edward

"No. Shush." - y/n

"Fine...dickrider..." -Edward

"EDWARD!" - y/n

Edward dresses like a 40 y/o divorced dad trying to learn the floss at a BBQ in a relatives backyard (so slacks and a polo/button up shirt)

y/n forces him to expand his wardrobe so he occasionally wears actual t-shirts and jeans sometimes, shorts, sweaters, etc.

Edward occasionally likes to grow out his hair slightly (kinda like Paul Dano's haircut in Ruby Sparks)

dyes his hair occasionally (mainly black but he once did black with SUBTLE dark green highlights)

he hates oatmeal, porridge, grits, Jell-O, and pudding. the consistency makes him want to scream. (same)

he is the most LGBTQIA+ friendly person ever. if he is meeting someone for the first time, he asks their pronouns.

i think that he is queer. i don't think he really has a specific sexuality. he's just queer, yk? but, that's really it.

goes to pride parades with y/n (I HEADCANON HIM DATING A NON-BINARY SHE/THEY AFAB PERSON OK LEAVE ME ALONEEE)

he GENUINELY loves to sing and will often sing y/n to sleep if they are having trouble.

he can play lots of instruments but has a preference for guitars (electric/bass/acoustic)

loves Breaking Bad.

hates Walter White.

he makes references to the show so much that it's concerning

"Oh shit! I just broke this plate!" - y/n

"Is it bad?" - Edward

"No, not really, bu-" - y/n

"Did it break bad?" - Edward

"Edward..." - y/n

"Was it breaking bad?" - Edward

"Get out of my apartment." - y/n

"Can you still cook? Can you still cook after breaking bad?" - Edward

"Edward Nashton, I'm going to hurt you." - y/n

he really likes stop motion moves, he admires how much work is put into them (loves Fantastic Mr. Fox the most. Coraline is a close second.)

he doesn't mind PDA, he actually loves it. he's proud to show off his partner (but he doesn't do anything more than kissing and cuddling in public...sometimes...maybe in a bathroom or a closet...hehe...)

sometimes he'll have nightmares about the orphanage and he'll wake up crying. y/n will hold him and comfort him back to sleep. he'll tell his therapist about the dream asap and work through it with them.

he'll also have nightmares about being the 'Riddler' again. those scare the shit out of him. he doesn't want to be that person again. his past haunts him frequently, even though he is reformed.

he knows how to sew very well and will sew customizations on his clothing and y/n's clothing. Example: hearts on their jeans, question marks on his sweatpants, stuff like that.

he knows that no one will truly forget what he did as the 'Riddler', but he hopes that donating to charities, raising money for them, and giving advice to others will show people that he's a changed man. but, all that really matters is that y/n knows he's a changed man.

practices drawing/painting/sketching in his free time (he loves to use charcoal, water colors, and oil pastels)

he hates when his skin is dry, so he lotions all the time. he has the softest skin ever. but, his hands are usually rough because he plays guitar and he has callouses built up. yet, it feels oddly nice against y/n's skin.

RANDOM THINGS I FEEL LIKE HE WOULD SAY: (ik this isn't really a headcanon but i just want you to see how much of a nerd/weirdo he is)

"You know, flamingos get their pink color from eating carotenoids. They are born a pale grey, but over time they get the pink hue that we know them for. Although, it's very rare for them to be a hot pink, more of a coral."

"No, y/n, you cannot drink the dish soap and burp bubbles. I don't think that's even possible."

*watching Tom & Jerry* "These physics are so unrealistic. Tom would be pulverized underneath that anvil. Blood and guts would be everywhere." *y/n looks at him with a horrified look* "Um, I mean...what a...what a goofy cat..."

*walks up to y/n with his phone in his hand* "So uh, one of my twitch followers in my stream today said I was 'Serving... *spells out c*nt*' and they also said that I 'ate and...left no crumbs?' is that a good thing?" *y/n laughs* "That's a very good thing." *he smiles*

"I saw a pigeon get it's head stuck in a donut today. It reminded me of you."

"Male ducks have corkscrew penises. So, they literally screw each other."

"Please stop putting your fingers in my mouth when I yawn."

"Yes I want a damn scooby snack. They sound fucking delicious."

"How am I supposed to live, laugh, love in these conditions, y/n? How!?"

"Y/n, be honest...do these jeans my butt look big?"

"A kid at the library threw a book at me and I contemplated drop kicking him."

"Please, for the love of God. Stop calling me the Rizzler. I...I don't know what that means..."

"Are you the backrooms? Cuz, I think I'm getting lost inside of you. Wait...that sounds weird. Um, forget that. Do you wanna kiss me now?"

"I'm not straight, but...that's all."

"One of my followers on Twitch said I look like the moon emoji. Banned."

"Edward, I'm afraid we can't make mac & cheese tonight. We're all out." - y/n

"Why? Do not be afraid..." - Edward (in the most deadpan voice)

"Well...now I'm very afraid..." - y/n

NSFW HEADCANONS! YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!:

Dom all the way. He has too much of an ego to be a sub. Ik a lot of ppl say he would be a sub, but I strongly disagree. Maybe he'd try it a few times.

This guy is too kinky, it would take 500 pages to list them (not rlly but ykwim)

He can bounce back between being completely vanilla and being ao3 type of kinky

some of his personal fav kinks are: BDSM (bro is sadistic prove me wrong), he is also a bit of a masochist though; choking; overstimulation; he has a daddy/sir kink; he actually likes roleplay a good bit, but it just has to be something good.

(one time y/n and Edward tried to do a college professor/college student roleplay and it was so fucking funny they couldn't go through with it. y/n said "Is there anything I can do to make my grade better Professor Nashton?" and he said "Do a better job...?" and that's when they both realized they couldn't get through it.)

Edward doesn't think sex is super important in a relationship, so he can go a long time without it. But, sometimes...he just wants to touch y/n. Not even have sex. Let me explain...

^sometimes he'll ask y/n if he can just finger them or eat them out, something like that. he doesn't even want to cum, he just wants to make them cum.

He developed a fond and cruel taste for teasing y/n in public. Sometimes he'll subtly make a fingering motion if he's picking something up. Or, he'll rub their inner thigh while sitting at a table. He usually only does this if y/n has an 'attitude' or if he wants to hint that he wants to have sex that night. However, if y/n ever gets uncomfortable during his teasing, all they have to do is tap him on the knee/shoulder and he'll know. They both respect boundaries <3

This is a bit of an angsty one, but sometimes during sex, he'll realize how lucky he is to be with y/n. So, he'll stop whatever he was doing and just hold them close to him. The sex after that is usually gentle and soft, which y/n actually really likes. He'll cry and tell them that he loves them so much and when they are both done, he'll just spoon them and find comfort in their body heat.

he is the KING of weird sex positions and weird places to have sex. he once fucked y/n in the closet at one of their friends house. it was cramped, so he had one of their ankles lifted on his shoulder and their other leg hoked around his waist. if y/n wants him to fuck them, he'll find a way. trust.

he really likes being praised during sex bc it makes him feel proud. it also feeds his ego a lot, but eh! hehe

if there was a competition for who could "do the best dirty talk" Edward would win it immediately by a landslide. y/n was the first person he ever had sex with, but they swear it was like he was a "professional" at it. he says such vulgar and erotic things and its jarring coming from such a sweet face. y/n loves it. what things does he say? well, let's start with sweet things he'll say during sex...

"You're so breathtaking below me, y/n. You're glowing."

"How is it that you looks so angelic while I'm fucking you?"

"You're doing such a good job, baby. You feel so good."

"That's it cara mia, cum for Eddie."

"You're making my heart race, honey. It just might burst out of my chest if you keep this up..."

^Aw, wasn't that so sweet :3 hehe, that's what he says a lot during vanilla and occasionally during some kinky sex. but, what does he say when he's in a "I'm going to fuck the soul out of you" mood? Uh...

"I know it feels heavenly, but you really ought to keep your voice down. You don't want to get caught, do you? Or, perhaps...that's exactly what you want. So filthy..." (while fucking you in a public bathroom)

"I wonder how long it'll take you to start begging for more...oh, there we go. Hm, not long at all..."

"I won't bite you hard, maybe, but I can't say the same about fucking you."

"What's the matter, rabbit? All fucked out and dumb? But, I haven't even started round 3 yet..."

"If you want it so bad, then why don't you bark for it? Yes, I'm aware you're not a dog, but I assure I can easily leash you up like one if you aren't a good girl/boy."

"I'm going to make sure you can't walk straight for a week. You know I can do it."

"You were starving for it. You were drooling over it. Now, you're gagging on it. How's it feel shoved down your pretty throat?"

"I don't care if they can hear us. That just means they know how good you're getting dicked down. Why don't you moan my name a little louder, make sure they remember who's doing this to you."

"'Oh Edward! Edward!' You sound so fucking cute when you're whining. Do it again. Louder."

"Suck on it like it's fucking candy. You're gonna get every last drop."

"Look at you. Before, you were teasing me in public, torturing me. And now, your face is shoved in the mattress while I'm fucking you from behind. Not so fucking cocky now, are you?"

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEEH

He's also AMAZING at aftercare. He'll give y/n a bath, sometimes he'll even take a shower with them.

He will always clean y/n's legs/pelvic area (and anywhere else that needs cleaning) with a damp rag every single time they finish having sex.

If he was particularly rough with y/n, he'll give them a gentle massage afterwards and tell them how good they did.

being the paranoid boyfriend that he is, he'll always remind y/n to pee afterwards so they don't get a UTI. he'll also tell them to drink lots of water.

One of his favorite things to do for aftercare is have them lay across his lap or sit on his lap or snuggle up against his side as they both watch a movie or TV show (it's usually Breaking Bad or My Little Pony. the duality of man.)

Tbh, if he can't make y/n's legs sore for at least an entire day after having sex, he doesn't think he did a good job.

[wufflesvetinari]

reporting back on redeemed-durge (who is romancing lae’zel). Michael says he’s embarrassed for me that I just took a photo of the screen but here we are

recently finished Act 2. the bard+durge combo is extremely fun (welcome to the dark carnival) because you’re constantly choosing between [funny bard response] and [absolutely unhinged durge response]

I imagine that dorothea comes across as a haha funny-mean bard for long enough to rock a charisma check, but if you spend like 2 more minutes talking to her (in Act 1 at least) you get the sense that she’s Constantly struggling to contort her human face into the expressions she wants you to see, rather than that weird grinch “biting your face off in my head” durge smile. she gives people with high WIS the heebie-jeebies (including halsin lmao there has been. no friendship chemistry)

on the other hand, lae’zel met her first out of everyone in faerun, helped her to do some violently authoritative stuff, and thought “oh thank god, at least SOME people are normal here.” then slowly descended into horror as she became exposed to The Bard Thing, which tragically turns out to be an actual part of dorothea’s personality (and, inexplicably, the part that people from faerun think is normal??? wyll tells lae’zel “no it’s the violently authoritative part that’s off-putting to people” and lae’zel is like. what.)

HOWEVER!!!!! both dorothea and lae’zel spent the first two acts reluctantly helping people and by the time dorothea saw the shadow curse dispersing she was like “damn. Maybe I’m actually a great person” and has decided she’s into helping people now. this will certainly make the third act a fun time for lae’zel and not at all annoying (dorothea is always annoying)

lae’zel is INCREDIBLE as the love interest durge is nearly forced to kill btw. she told dorothea to GET IT TOGETHER like 3 times whilst she was tied up and also threatened to bite back/kill her if necessary. extremely romantic and dorothea found it very reassuring

(more earnestly: this works really well since back when lae’zel tried to kill everyone in camp, dorothea lied to her well enough that lae’zel asked to be mercy-killed herself, so. mutual euthanasia promises. very very romantic)

(even more earnestly: lae’zel stopping the Romance Duel because she wants to protect dorothea instead of hurting her resonates REALLY well on a redeemed durge run. especially when you pick the dialog about “I need to protect you now” on Murdering Your Love Interest night)

(even more more earnestly: modern AU dorothea turns lae’zel into an ICP fan in her moment of extreme volatility/religious crisis. this is basically the same thing as suddenly dedicating your whole existence to the prince of the comet at the drop of a hat and surely just as healthy)

[kingofdersecest-2]

Hey there, you made a post where you said-"Gamzee is back, and he's talking about a redemption arc, all the while saying "My ninja" which of course is code for "My nigga" because why not make all those things people said about Gamzee being a black stoner true! Ha ha, so progressive!" And I just wanted to add some context.

Using ninja instead of the n word is very much so a white juggalo thing, like, outside of homestuck. It's not a good thing (let's be real, most things inherent to juggalos are sus at best) but it is very much so a real life thing that real white trash does and has been around since the early 2000s when people started telling ICP and Twizted that the n word was off limits. I really can't speak for the Homestuck writers intentions or wether they even know about juggalo lingo like that but "Magic Ninjas" is the name of the label that Twizted owns and at their shows you will hear (white) people chanting "magic, magic ningas, what!" Instead of the traditional "whoop whoop!" Of ICP.

Who knows what the hs2 writers were thinking really, but I thought it was worth mentioning the context they pulled that lingo from.

Lmao thats kinda funny. I mean i believe anyone can use any words at any time for any reason. But I can see why ICP probably wouldnt want their crowd spamming the n word. So ninjas are the substitute. So we're basically as close to the n word being canon in Homestuck as we can possibly be with that whole ninja thing, arent we? That is probably the most hilarious goddamn thing thats come of the Epilogues and HS^2. Some people think retarded is a slur, so I guess Homestuck has already broken its slur virginity, and technically the trolls have slur names for different blood colors. But its still really fucking funny.

[29pageshomestuckeveryday]

Homestuck, page 3,438

[S] Equius: Seek the highb100d.

Walkthrough: http://readmspa.org/transcripts/readmspa-transcript-6_005338_Triterniabound_transcript_and_walkthrough.html

Songs used: Horschestra STRONG Version by Alexander Rosetti, Nepeta's Theme by Toby Fox, Blackest Heart (With Honks) by Toby Fox, Midnight Calliope by Mark Hadley, and Miracles by ICP

Song commentaries:

Alexander Rosetti:

(Equius Walkabout)

Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh. Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh. Neigh neigh neigh. Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh. Neigh. Neigh neigh. Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh. Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh.

Neigh neigh neigh neigh. Neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh neigh.

Toby Fox:

Neigh neigh neigh, neigh neigh.

Neigh neigh? Neigh.

Seriously though, despite its goofiness, this is one great track. Alexander Rosetti is easily one of the best composers on the team, and despite being often limited by his electronic instrumentation palette (he usually composes for real musicians to play), he's pulled this track off and several others fantastically.

Did I mention we're in love?

Also, the SNES funeral section interspersed with a small amount of Walls Covered in Blood at the end is just brilliant.

Toby Fox:

(Nepeta Walkabout)

Beep beep, meow... it's a remix of Walls Covered in Blood if you didn't notice~

The original Walls was actually pretty divisive - either people loved it or they thought the Mario Paint instruments were too much to bear. Here we get the best of both worlds - the catchy theme without the weird instrumentation! (And if you liked the original better... well... great! Because it still exists.)

I decided to hit on some of the more Latin aspects of her theme without a self-imposed limitation on what instruments I could choose. So I threw in some vibraslaps, some bongos, and a steel drum. To extend it for the album, I just decided to add EarthBound instruments and beatbox to the second part of the original song. Always a failproof plan!

:33

Toby Fox:

(Prelude to a Killer Clown)

This track went under most people's radars when it was first released because it really was a soundtrack for a situation that had not yet taken place.

Andrew asked me to add some 'brooding honks' to it... and some amazingly hilarious justaposition occurred that somehow made the piece even more frightening to all those that played it at 6am in the morning.

Now people love it. Step one to improvement - add clowns!

Yep, that's my voice, by the way.

Mark Hadley:

(Gamzee the Killer)

When trying to come up with something for the flipped-out Gamzee, I decided to stick with the basics and write a short calliope melody in a minor key. As it loops, however, a dark droning backdrop becomes gradually more apparent, a darkness beneath the playfulness implied by the first part. The calliope fades out until only the droning sound remains, showing in essence that playtime is over. Also, I figured nothing makes carnival music sound more twisted than for the tempo/pitch to change, so I had the whole thing start gradually slowing down over time, giving it an even more unnatural feel. I wanted one last build-up near the end to build tension, and as it fades out and the listener is just starting to relax... HONK. honk.

On a side note, I think I enjoy writing creepy music even more than any other kind of music.

Toby Fox:

Soundtrack-wise... I think this was one of the greatest moments of Homestuck. This track makes my hair stand on end.

Author commentary: Here's [S] Equius: Seek the highbl00d, another playable RPG game. This was a really good one. They all kind of are, in their own ways. Except for the Meenahbound ones, which are Arguably Bad, Actually, but I only agree to that assessment if it includes the ever important "bad in mostly good and funny ways" stipulation upon which the structural stability of my entire creative career rests. But Christ, why am I talking about that garbage when we are about to review some truly choice material focusing exclusively on your favorite meowrails. It is a great illustration of their tragic dynamic; deeply committed and caring partners in the diamonds quadrant, and yet compromised by Equius and his stubborn class-driven faults, his pathological reverence for his superiors, his forced and probably not genuinely felt sense of disdain for lower bloods like Nepeta, and ultimately his failure to rise above these flaws when presented with a real test of character and friendship. A test imposed, of course, by a boorish murderclown, who from this point onward just ruins fucking everything, constantly. Also there's great horror ambience in this game, with a real sense of tension. It's one of these unusual installments where I will bother to say: you just need to play this one to really feel it. If you haven't already, well..that kind of baffles me? But I guess I just don't know anything about anybody reading these books, especially as we trudge relentlessly into the future. Maybe you're reading this ancient tome printed 500 years ago, and the online content doesn't exist anymore. If that's the case, I'm so, so sorry, Robosteve8937501.

And, now that I just talked up this great game, here's where I check out for a while again, because obviously I'm not going to wisecrack my way through every single page of this thing, because, um…l have a LIFE??? Maybe you should look into that. Yeah, I'm looking at YOU, Robosteve8937501. Have you set foot outside your consumption pod even ONCE over the last couple centuries? This is getting pathetic, man.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Robosteve8937501 is going to turn into another one of my running joke characters down here in the author notes realm, which includes an entirely distinct continuum for casually idiotic worldbuilding, and against all odds and better judgment, you're actually becoming inexplicably invested in it. It's okay, you can admit it. You love the weird stories about my dead youth pastor, priest, and life coach from previous books, and now you're looking forward to future mentions of Robosteve8937501 as well, which is becoming additionally inevitable now that I've talked about him this much already. What do those numbers Is that his phone number? The answer is yes. Robosteve8937501 is actually very lonely, and he wants you to call him. Dude can't get a date to save his mean? Is that... life. Probably because he spends so much time holed up in his fucking consumption pod, reading and rereading all 200 volumes of the Homestuck books, 500 years after they were printed, and about 490 years after the apocalypse that wiped out the human race.

That's the end of all the dialogue between these two in this game. Every line was extremely good. Nothing I could say down here would improve upon it even a little, nor would any further analysis increase your pure enjoyment or appreciation of the content. Wow, I think I just found the perfect author note to paste at the bottom of every page from now on.

Then Nepeta embarks on her quest to "hide," i.e. find a place to watch Equius get killed, then jump out and get killed herself. We don't know that's what's going to happen yet, but I think this game lays it on pretty thick with the clues that something bad is going to happen. Their drawn-out goodbye, the emotional conversation they just had that spotlight them as characters, and which often precedes characters dying in media as a way of letting the viewers say their farewells too, and also the obvious fact that we're in the horror zone, so we might as well strap ourselves in and expect characters to start dropping like flies. Perhaps this game in serving all these purposes starts feeling additionally cruel, because if you didn't care much about these characters before reading all that stuff, you probably do now. Just in time to say goodbye. Let that be a lesson. Appreciate good characters while you still have the chance, and don't be late to hop on the bandwagon. Because by the time you hop on, the bandwagon may have been rigged to be just about to kill your newfound faves in a variation of the trolley experiment.

There are teapots all over the place. If nothing else, Nepeta's land has given her a lifelong passion for tea. Too bad her post-tea life didn't last very long. But it's also worth noting how it nicely pairs with Equius's milk habits. Maybe they could set up a nice tea shop in the afterlife. In fact, who's to say they didn't?

Nepeta's private space in the meteor involves—you guessed it—more shipping. All the depictions here and on following pages show pairings that seem to have a logical basis in the story. Except for the Dave x Tavros match-up. Accuse me of "ship hate" if you will, but that is an absolutely shameful pairing decision. Nepeta deserves to receive crushing volumes of anonymous internet harassment for this pitiful display of bad taste. Quick, everyone go submit your displeasure to user account "@arsenicCatnip" before she dies.

The "great" label is just a SBaHJ-ism. Jeff bumped up against the "great" to spy on Bro doing something stupid, if I recall correctly. We are just reprising that scenario, as Nepeta employs the same spying technique on Gamzee as he murders Equius. It's BASICALLY the exact same situation.

Nepeta's secret shame is exposed. There's nothing that shameful about her crush, because come on. We all love Karkat. I don't know who she was hiding it from though? Equius, at most? But what are moirails for if she can't share her secret flushed leanings with her partner? What have they even been talking about for hours on the smashed robot pile?? Also she didn't do a very good job covering up her HUGE mural with those crates. It's almost as if she wants her secret to be exposed. Nepeta...you're a fucking mess.

This is where the game gets especially creepy, mainly because of the music shift. My chief recollection of the music is that every now and then, an eerie distant honking sound can be heard. This is when you began to suspect Nepeta is completely screwed.

Touches like this help fill in the blanks of a story with subtext. Brown blood is everywhere. That means Tavros's body is being moved around, probably by Gamzee, given the text on the wall. What is he doing with that body??? (He is severing the head, so that he may passionately kiss it on the mouth at his leisure.)

More signs that Kanaya is on the move as well. She even sliced the transporter behind her so she couldn't be followed. She might be the only one who isn't being an idiot right now. But to be fair, that might also be a good description of her in relation to all twelve trolls over the general span of the entire story. What did she ever do that's dumb? I'm trying to think of something. Oh wait, I got it. She fell in love with Vriska. Wait. Wait…no. I lost it again. That was the smartest thing she ever did, because Vriska kicks ass and did nothing wrong.

Why is this fuckin wizard in this chest? I don't even… I mean, I do know the answer. It's because one of the supporting artists made a wizard sprite, completely unprompted, as they did with almost all the items in these games. But still. Kinda makes you think? (Nah.)

Nepeta sees something horrible through the vent. It's a great time to cut away to Equius so we can catch up with what she is seeing from his point of view. Which is great for him, since he has a front-row seat for what's currently happening here.

Back to Equius. He sends Nepeta off for her own "safety" and…immediately begins using his powerful hands to shatter his many glasses of milk that are scattered about on the floor for some reason. Good work, dude.

This chess monster can't catch a break. First, Vriska stole all its luck, sending it crashing down into this pit. Then Gamzee, with inexplicably incredible marksmanship, fires an arrow double-shot into both eyes, killing it. Come to think of it, the fact that Vriska drained all its luck shortly before probably had something to do with its unlikely arrow-based slaying as well.

So that's where Terezi's glasses went. Gamzee stealing a personal item of hers seems like a loaded action. As if he's signaling to her that he isn't quite done with her yet. I wonder what that means? I hope it's not creepy and awful. Equius, like a complete idiot, thinks that's Terezi up there on the big mad-science tank. Cue the murderclown's diabolical monologue. This Flash sequence was embedded in the RPG game as a strong finish to the interactive page. You kind of knew it would end up this way. Actually, many of the games are played with a sense of dark dramatic irony where you know something bad is going to happen, but you're forced to march right along to that outcome anyway, so you are somewhat complicit in the unfortunate result. The Rose RPG at the end of this book is probably the best example of this.

Gamzee's negligent goatfather was killed before he entered the game, and was prototyped, as were all the trolls' lusii. This means goat-like forms show up in the chess monsters. Gamzee is sitting atop the tank of one such mutant beast, which almost entirely bears the traits of his aquatic goatfather. Is it a coincidence he has gravitated toward this figure while being his truest, most evil, clowny self? In some ways, due to parental neglect, his goat dad embodies his darkest tendencies, and perhaps the root causes for them. Yes, maybe this isn't "true" and he's just a piece of total trash regardless, but it's arguably true from Gamzee's warped perspective. In some ways this makes Goat Dad a compelling figure. We know almost nothing about him, but he quite possibly was legitimately monstrous. I'm fascinated by this fictional goat creature suddenly. Whoops, wait. It stopped. I'm not fascinated anymore. But it was an interesting feeling to have for about three seconds.

All the dialogue leading up to this is pretty good. It lets us know that Gamzee didn't just generically "snap" and is now an arbitrary murderous threat. There are some real cunning and calculation to his evil. Despite previously coming across as a bit dumb, and tone-deaf to the needs and concerns of his friends, his remarks here reveal a guy who was paying close attention all along and knows all these people quite well. He knows the insecurities and weaknesses to play to. He's just tormenting Equius using the fact that he knows he's all twisted up about class hierarchy, demanding that he kneel before his superior. But not in a way that makes it clear he will appreciate Equius's subservience, or reward him for it. Gamzee just wants to disgrace and defile Equius before he kills him, to make him reveal the full extent of his weakness as his final living act. To show Equius couldn't overcome his limitations even to save his own life, let alone the lives of his friends.

But later, the kind of sadistic cunning Gamzee shows here sort of gives way to a different kind of villainy. After he "makes peace" with his role as a figure of "religious destiny," that is, the guy meant to serve Lord English and help seed his early existence as Caliborn, he mellows out a little. There's a kind of sick, off-putting serenity he broadcasts as he commits his unpleasant deeds, behaving as more of a general agent of chaos rather than an active antagonist. He seems to delight more in wreaking havoc on the story as a whimsical surrogate for his master than he does in specifically causing his former friends to suffer. In other words, he gradually becomes folded into the greater villainous ensemble, which becomes increasingly preposterous the deeper we get into Homestuck.

[lokewolf-father]

So I Listened to the First Five Insane Clown Posse Albums...

And I really enjoyed myself! I tried this post already, but the Tumblr app is a piece of garbage and lost it somehow, so here goes again. To make a long story short, even though I didn't really enjoy the first two albums, Carnival of Carnage and The Ringmaster, I found a lot to enjoy about Insane Clown Posse, and can safely say I like them. Death metal guitar mixed with heavy bass, carnival sounds, and lyrics about necromantic clown sorcerers, killer toys, and cartoonish depictions of murder make their concept albums something that is both novel and undeniably cool when it isn't too crude or juvenile, which is more frequent than I would like.

I should probably state, especially considering I'm writing off the first two albums, that I am not the target audience for ICP. I do not consider myself a Juggalo in any definition of the word; I don't really listen to rap, and couldn't define hip-hop without looking it up. I do however enjoy horror movies and low-brow entertainment like comic books, and consider Marilyn Manson to be one of my personal heroes, so believe me when I say that I really do like aspects of the cavalcade of crazy that is the Insane Clown Posse.

Riddle Box is awesome, and I find myself wondering if this is the album where people feel like ICP came into their own. Part of their mythology is that if the Dark Carnival, where sinners are judged by a cavalcade of characters before being killed and sent to their souls ultimate destination. Several albums are designated as Joker's Cards, and depict characters and elements of the Carnival.

The intro is awesome, introducing the Riddle Box, which is a magic box that either gives the slain a vision of God, warming their souls and sending them to Heaven, or a demonic fog that drives them insane and sends them to Hell.

One of my favorite songs, "Chicken Huntin' (Slaughter House Mix)" is on this song, and demonstrates ICP's understanding of their audience. A song about killing dumb, ignorant hillbillies, I have to assume it's cathartic to people who left behind wacky rural families behind when they left home. "Toy Box" is about a guy with murderous toys that turn on him, and makes me laugh. It sounds hokey, and that's because it is, hokey and worth a listen. A lot of this is appealing to me because I don't listen to rap music, partly because I don't care for the subject matter.

I like rappers like Kanye West and Eminem because I can't identify with or enjoy a lot of the gangsta-macho stuff that mainstream rap can't seem to get away from. With ICP, their personas are over the top killer clowns, and that's awesome! Because they're so goofy and have been pretty much rejected from pop culture, their music appeals to social outcasts and others who are down on their luck, something that Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J recognize.

That being said, before I move into the next album, I should probably mention "Ol' Evil Eye", ICP's own adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-tale Heart". Good shit, even if it makes the master turn over in his grave.

The Great Milenko is fantastic, and is a Joker's Card about an evil necromancer clown that tempts you into damning yourself. I'm told this is more of a hip-hop album, but as someone who isn't that familiar with this kind of music, I can't tell the difference. What I will say is there are more songs here that I like than on the previous three albums. The intro, which is read by none other than Alice Cooper, is excellent, as is the title track and "Hokus Pokus", both of which are sufficiently creepy and dark.

"Piggy Pie" is a song about murdering dickhead cops that uses a very, um, clever three little pigs motif. As a funny aside, this album was initially put out by Hollywood Records, and had to be approved by Disney, who forced them to change this song. The album was pulled from shelves anyway, making the whole exercise of censorship pointless anyway. It's just funny to think that Disney read associated with ICP at one point.

"Southwest Voodoo" is another effective song, featuring a black magic chant for chorus, which is to say nothing of "Halls of Illusion", which has Slash on guitar!

One of my other favorites off this album is the existential "How Many Times", which puts you in the mindset of the type of person ICP is talking to. Broke, down on your luck, arrested, your stereo stolen, it's hard to imagine things can ever really get better; in a world that rejects you and shows your no respect, why not remake yourself as a psychotic clown? As Manson says, "They'll never be good to you/bad to you/they'll never be anything at all". Any aging goth kid can understand where ICP is coming from here.

The Amazing Jeckel Brothers is the first album I listened to, and probably my favorite one. "Terrible" and "Bring it On" have the heavy sound that I love, and "Assassins" is just an awesome, badass song in general. If hip-hop is just another word for tough guy music, these songs definitely fit the bill. The bass lines make the songs positively rock in a way I didn't think was possible for ICP. "Everybody Rize" is a cool Juggalo anthem, as is "Fuck the World", calling out a culture and industry that rejects and hates them like a boss. If you're on the fence about these fuckers, this is another great album to start with, especially considering the touching final song, "Nothing's Left", which reflects on the broken nature of the world, and wonders if there can be any real salvation for anyone. Considering ICP are Christian and ultimately incorporated they're religion into their music, I know what their opinion on this is, but just begging the question gives the song a universal appeal that even an angry atheist like myself can identify with.

At the end of the day, I have to figure that getting to know the Insane Clown Posse was rewarding for me. I'm not a Juggalo, but I understand their world a lot better and get how they can be kind to others and have something special with their subculture. I plan to listen to more ICP and write about them, but I'd like to write about Juggalo culture first. If you're a Juggalo or have any thoughts, I want to hear from you! Have you met the Insane Clown Posse or been to their shows? Have you been to the gathering of the Juggalos? An I wrong about anything I wrote above?

[mytastessuck]

Gorillaz: Humanz

SHere it is, the comeback tour! I was so excited for this album, I sucked all the singles that came out before I could download the album. This album basically reminded me of the reasons I love Gorillaz. All of them. One particular reason a little too well...

Okay, let's get the elephant out of the room. This album is a bit controversial among the community for playing a little too hard to one of Gorillaz' strengths: showcasing cool artists. There are more than a few tracks where Damon doesn't even show up. Hell, my favorite track doesn't even have it on him. Me, I honestly don't care about that as long as I get to hear good music but for the rest of you die hard Gorillaz fans? Just think of this as a compilation album like NOW That's What I Call Alternative/Indie Hip-Hop/R&B/Electronica/Pop.

See? Rolls off the tongue. Now let's get started.

1. Intro: I Switched My Robot Off

Nice. Real ominous. Gorillaz really know how to build up a presentation. Feels like you're walking through the doors of the doors to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Anybody remember Legends of the Hidden Temple? Were there doors on that stage? Anyway, awesome.

10/10

2. Ascension

Holy hell, Vince really knocks it out of the park on this one. Different beat, nice flow, social commentary...He was not fucking around on this track. Damon's barely on the track but Vince makes up for it with his existential rhymes and chorus back-up. Man, Gorillaz has gotta take advantage of gospel more often.

9/10

3. Strobelite

That didn't take long, did it? Anyway, this is my favorite song on the album. Peven has an incredible voice, the music psychically compels you to dance and...that's it. Sometimes, well usually with me, you just need to go with Simple Yet Awesome. Have a good voice and a good beat. This song has both and I'm pretty sure that one day, a scientist will hear this song and will be inspired by it to cure diabetes.

100/10

4. Saturn Barz

Ah, the lead single from the album. Remember the 360 house, everyone? Yeah, you remember. Glad to have Gorillaz welcome back Reggae into their line-up with Popcaan manning the helms. He and Damon tag-team the eardrums with the power of dread as the instrumentation makes you feel like you're in a haunted house. Welcome back, guys.

25/10

5. Momentz

WELCOME BACK, GUYS! De La Soul returns to say some real shit about time and how you should, respect and stuff. Seriously, awesome track. Kicks so much ass and you can even dance to it as you wonder if this MOMENT will be one of the last times when you feel really happy. Nice...

9/10

6. Interlude: The Non-Conformist Oath

Hey, Steve Martin! I like to imagine a bunch of assholes listening to this and...just not getting it. Not us though. We get it. We're smart. Smarter than those guys...

10/10

7. Submission

This song had to grow on me but years after I got the album and after I learned to appreciate Danny Brown a little more like all humans should, this song became one of my favorites off the album. Don't worry Kelela, he doesn't carry the whole song. Her voice is so beautiful that it can calm a charging rhino or a coked-up Connor McGregor. These make the song a lot classier than it had any right being.

90/10

8. Charger

She's beauty, she's Grace...she's also Jones. Man, I haven't heard from this woman since Corporate Cannibal and she has clearly been keeping up practice. God, how can a woman's laughter both scare and arouse me? Damon's no slouch on this track either, singing about the monster that keeps us all tethered: the charger. I kid, I kid. Hey, did Damon really get a boner on stage when he sung this or are you guys messing with me? Message me if you know.

9/10

9. Interlude: Elevator Going Up

On a recent trip, I tried to go up the elevator but it was card-activated so a desk lady had to help me. That's it.

8/10

10. Andromeda

Damon has to do the heavy lifting here and his muscles have not completely wasted away from lack of use. He tells us to take in our heart and you know what? I did. I took this song directly in my heart...and my playlist.

50/10

11. Busted And Blue

Yeah, this song is a bummer. A good bummer. It's Broken's younger brother who joined the army to make his parents proud after he couldn't get into university like his older brother who managed to form a separate family with his squad and began to think that maybe he was good enough after all before his squad gets bombed and, as he lies legless dying painfully on the ground, a blue butterfly land directly on his outstretched busted hand...

Directed by Mervyn LeRoy

10/10

12. Interlude: Talk Radio

You ever wonder how we get voices in machines? I know you think it's a complicated process but I know a dude who picked up the radio in his electric fan once. Think about it.

8/10

13. Carnival

Again, this song had to grow on me but one day, while I was thinking about Gamzee for a godforsaken reason, I thought "Geez, he talks about the Dark Carnival and the Dark Carnival isn't even some of ICP's best days. What's a good song about a carnival?" Anyway, Anthony can spin a person's mind and mind around just by singing. He's wild.

80/10

14. Let Me Out

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Mavis was Vince's mother? She's not but that would be funny as well as cool. Her and Pusha T bang on the walls of this track as they rant about the politics at the time of this song. Yeah, they're talking about Trump. That car horn can't protect you forever, you orange bastard.

9/10

15. Interlude: Penthouse

Dear Penthouse: Hi. Does anyone check in on you, just you? I'm here to say I think you're important and you provide a necessary outlet for men to brag about being perverts. At least before the Youtube comment section existed.

Thanks for everything,

mytastessuck

8/10

16. Sex Murder Party

Ooooo, this track puts me in a funky mood. Like, there's a part but there's sex there...and MURDER. So you know it's an awesome party. Kick-ass, right? I know it's kick-ass. Keep dancing, people.

11/10

17. She's My Collar

Pretty sexy song. Gotta love people vauging about being used in a song. That's why we love Offspring, that's why we love Damon on his knees onstage. Hey, there was a post that said Noodle wrote this song about her girlfriend. That was an excellent post. Well done.

9/10

18. Interlude: The Elephant

I SAID GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BASTARD!

8/10

19. Hallelujah Money

Ah, the technical first single. Remember when they said that they weren't going to put this song on the album? Anyway, this is exactly the song we needed after The Incident occurred. Benjamin manages to calm down an entire populace while Damon just fearfully wonders what our future will be like...and he's in the UK. This song is one long terrifying lullaby to an entire country...until the end, anyway.

75/10

20. We Got The Power

A great way to remind listeners that no matter what's happening, no matter who's in charge, we have the power change everything. An excellent message for people who were still recovering from The Incident.

10/10

21. Interlude: New World

Okay, the bonus tracks. Should be nothing special here, right? Just some B-sides and I've never shown favoritism towards B-sides, right?

8/10

22. The Apprentice

A nice song from the same Rag n' Bone Man who brought us "Human". Zebra manages to lay down some nice rhymes as Ray BLK backs them both up with the force of her voice. These guys should form a team with how well they work together. Oh, they should make a virtual band! All they need to do is find an artist...

9/10

23. Halfway To The Halfway House

A very nice song if a bit overshadowed by the others on the album. Still, Peven can't be beat when it comes to crooning and he raises a song from a solid C to a B.

8/10

24. Out of Body

This song had to grow on me also but when it did...lord, this song is weird. Hypnotic suggestions, telephone tones, the song starts then Zebra jumps in to help then who is this person?! Why are people applauding?! Who are you people?! Why are there so many crows gathering outside my house?!

60/10

25. Ticker Tape

Well well well, look who's back. Damon returns with his old friend Kali to join the accuser of the vain Carly Simon to beg us to stay on the album. Sorry Damon, but I got places to do and people to go. There's nothing you can do to convince me to stick around after how long this album already is.

9/10

26. Circle of Friendz

Huh. Seems like a riot is going on. Weird for Gorillaz to get this real. What, this guy is just going to keep saying Circle of Friendz again and again? Is this supposed to affect me? Get real. It'll take a lot more than a nice voice and implications to...

To...

...

...Maybe I should listen to the album again.

11/10

Album score: 25/10

Damn, that took a while. Shouldn't be the case next week when we cover The Now Now. See you then!

[cornfields-and-bad-dreams]

SOWC19, Day 4: Haunted House

@blackirisposts

Real-life events.

Word Count: 973

Warnings: N/A

Synopsys:  Real-life recounts of experiences I’ve had with haunted houses.

For today's prompt, I'm gonna do something different, instead of writing a new story I'm going to share some true stories from my own life.

When I was younger I was incredibly scared of haunted houses, I'd go through with my mom and cling to her back hiding my face from all the scares.  But despite my cowardly behavior I actually liked going through, funny, I know.  The haunted house we used to go through was through D.A.R.E and it was in the basement of the local courthouse, they've since shut down though.

One year my mom and I made our way down to the courthouse and as we were waiting in line, which always took a long time to get through, we started talking to the people behind us.  It was this grandmother and her young granddaughter, the girl was really young too, maybe 5 or 6, though I will admit my memory isn't the best.  The point is the girl was pretty little.  The girl swore up and down she'd be fine in the haunted house cause she liked scary movies or something so the grandma had agreed to take her.  If I remember correctly I think the people running the house even asked if she'd be okay.  The group we ended up in was the four of us and another two girls, these girls were probably a few years younger than me.  I'm gonna guess and say I was 13 at the time so the girls were maybe about 10.  The six of us descended down into the basement of the old courthouse and started on our adventure.  Pretty quickly the little girl got terrified and my mom ended up offering to carry her, because of this I ended up forging ahead with the other two girls who had attached themselves to my back.  My mom, the grandma, and the little girl ended up leaving through the chicken exit with was halfway through the haunted house.  I wanna say that was the last year of was really afraid of haunted houses, the experience of being forced to be the leader probably opened my eyes to the fact that haunted houses are more fun than scary.  Or perhaps I just grew out of my cowardly ways between then and the next year.

Another year I went through the haunted house with some friends, at this point in my life I've become the kinda person who talks to haunted house employees and makes stupid jokes/comments, so basically my mother.  At one point in the haunted house, there was this sort of maze, nothing too hard.  I had ended up as the leader somehow and as we came to a dead-end everyone kept pushing forward.  I kept saying it was a dead-end but everyone was so scared they didn't seem to catch on for a moment, I ended up getting squished between a wall and the terrified group of people.  Later after we'd gotten out of the house and were making our way back to my place I admitted to my friends that at some point in the haunted house I'd laughed so hard at them being scared I peed my pants.  After a quick stop and a handy dandy phone flashlight, we concluded that I had indeed full-on pissed myself.

A couple years ago I got invited to go to some haunted houses out of town with a friend.  It ended up being two friends and I along with two other people I didn't know.  My friend picked me up and we went down to get the fifth person from where they worked, I was told it was a guy my friend knew and as he comes out from the pizza place we see he's wearing a clown costume.  For whatever reason this guy decided to wear a costume when we went to the haunted houses, this wasn't even on Halloween.  At the first haunted house, we went through as we were waiting in line in this room clowns would open the windows and look in, so I started talking to them.  I don't remember which of the two houses we went to this happened in but at one there was a room with a bunch of clowns so I asked them if they'd been to the ICP concert yesterday.  Note of reference, I and the girl who was driving had actually been to an ICP concert the night before, she'd bailed before ICP even got on stage.  At the end of the second house, there was a guy who'd chase you with a chainsaw, minus the chain of course, and despite the fact, my friend had told herself that if she didn't run he wouldn't chase her she ran as soon as he revved the thing up.  So me and the guy, minus the other two who'd decided to stay in the car, calmly made our way over to where she was standing terrified halfway curled in on herself with this guy antagonizing her with the chainsaw.

Mini stories:

While in line for a haunted hayride I got scolded by a man behind me for cursing.

On said hayride, I told the children of the corn group I'd love to join them.

One of the things I'll say to people in haunted houses is "I love your eyes."

The last time I went through a haunted house was because I thought my friend was gonna be working there that night, she wasn't.

And finally, once, before I stopped being scared, I got scared by a guy with a chainsaw at the end of the haunted house and ran up a flight of stairs to getaway.  My mom later said she'd never seen me move so fast up stairs in my life and still hasn't to this day.

[blaperile]

Homestuck Epilogues - Meat - Page 5

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi Meat, p5 reaction

Meat Page 5.

We might be due another perspective switch - unless the plot stays with John until he's assembled all his friends.

When John goes to pick up Rose, it’ll probably be on LOLAR. Terezi might still be there, if she hasn’t gone clownhunting just yet.

If so, perhaps we’ll get to see whether Rose ‘n Terezi’s migraine was really due to the substance abuse + caleidoscopic colours of LOLAR + glitches… Or whether it was due to the GO timeline “supposed to” have gone differently, with John’s current retcon being the thing missing to happen. It takes a bit of effort, remembering what everyone was exactly up to on this part of the GO timeline and what would be a fortunate time for John to take it off the rails. For Kanaya, that might very well be the moment Jane set up her literal shop on LOFAF, selling her all those blood potions, for instance.

For Dirk, it might be before his conversation with Arquiusprite.

I'm getting the feeling that John might be jumping to exactly those moments in the scenes where the characters were at their lowest, self-esteem wise. Giving them a literal second breath. ;)

Not sure what we can expect from the ghost side of things though. I think they might not be duplicated, leading us to meet up with (Vriska) as we knew her, punk cut and all. Even though GO Terezi's ghost will be there with her too.

I'm half convinced Calliope will get copied somehow, but not entirely sure. The only 'real' duplicate Calliope had already, besides Alt Calliope, was her dreamself. He could snatch the body, but I was under the impression Caliborn consumed it in a literal sense to establish his dominance over the body.

Meanwhile, it occurred to me to that Andrew Hussie (the author avator) will make a comeback, probably a background cameo. I've only now realized that he's a literal ghost writer of his own story right now, in-canon. While outside of canon, he’s more becoming like Stan Lee, executive producing stories using characters he designed.

Anyway, let's start this up.

---

"The stands of the Cantown Memorial Arena" Okay, my first thought was this takes place on the meteor, but yeah, it's a building named presumably after the literal Cantown WV build in his station, back on Earth. Or the Exile Town that Bec Noir massacred. Though, does this indicate a perspective switch back to Roxy... Or is the CMA where Rumble in the Pumpkin Patch is recorded? Probably the latter, meaning the perspective is switching back to Dave! Uh, the alpha version, I guess I should call him? Post-canon, adult Dave?

"His shit eating was so brutal that no one, except maybe Jake, cares that he’s taking a phone call in the middle of a live broadcast." So, was it staged, or did Jake really get a power boost, coming into his role as the Page?

Also, I feel like if Karkat's run for president gets announced by Dave on live television, "and the crowd goes wild" will apply here.

"Dave takes a seat on the couch, right in Karkat’s butt groove." Okay, so he's not going just yet. ... Karkat's butt groove is available because the latter absconded the fuck out last we saw him, hahah.

"a piece of absolute garbage." Callback secured.

"DAVE: while the beatdown you just received was as thorough as it was humiliating im afraid as usual the solution to this problem should probably not involve your decapitation" While Dirk might be the one to keep this beaten dead horse of an in-joke going, Dave isn't going to be the one to cut its head off and end its misery. :P

"DAVE: jake just kicked your ass DAVE: thats really all there is to say on the matter" AWWWWW yessss, hahahahah. Dirk's laid down, on the ground, on his smartphone, just like Dave was after his beatdown by Bro. Awesome callback.

"DAVE: its really amazing how this meme we have going here continues to be exactly as funny as the day it was established DIRK: Isn’t it always though? DAVE: yeah" That's Strider Irony at its finest for you. You never can be entirely sure non-sincerity is what's taking place here.

" DAVE: how DID you get your ass kicked so bad DAVE: jake sucks and his raps are fucking awful" Oh, scratch that thing about his power level, then. ... The rapbots didn't join in to beat Dirk down, did they? ... Though I would like to see either them or their zilly versions again. :P

"

On the TV, Dirk makes an elegant hand sign that once might have represented solidarity with some ancient coastal rap group but now has been utterly divorced from its cultural context here on Earth C." Is it a sign associated with... the ICP? Yes, I guess whatever 'references' the kids make get picked up as divine decree...

"The camera pans away from him and over the crowd. It zooms in on a young crocodile wearing an oversized T-shirt with Jake’s highly marketable ass plastered over it and the phrase “Tally ho” written in big bubble letters." ... including stuff that was already dated when the gods were still actual kids. (By which I mean the phrase, not Jake's marketable ass.)

"DIRK: Holding back a little to achieve certain results doesn’t necessarily mean you’re participating in a farce or rigging the event. DIRK: We do this all the time. We hold back our thoughts, our true feelings, our full potential. We disguise how much we know about what and when, for many purposes. To ease relations, to let others behave naturally and make up their minds without undue intervention. To wait for the right moments to show our hands, to pick our battles. " Dirk is still overthinking things. :P He's also still a schemer, even though he's grown more mature. I think in this case, he might be trying to keep up Jake's taste for adventure and hone his skills? That might be related to the fact that he's one of the few in the know of what John is up to (also a thing he's withholding right now), and he might be trying to get Jake battle-ready in case he needs to be. ... In case he doesn't believe they'll stay irrelevant to the plot.

"DAVE: my dog you are full of some SHIT today arent you DIRK: Absolutely." It's a good thing Dave can see Dirk typing, otherwise I might have asked whether Dirk may have reinstated an autoresponder to answer when he's busy. :P

"DIRK: And when it comes to theater, there are just as many reasons for restraint. To build tension. To set the stage. To give the people someone to root against." Okay, that's actually kind of meta. Also, in-story, it might mean Dirk is deliberately trying to come off as weaker, to get people to boo at Jake so he can play hero?

"DAVE: i can see you on tv DAVE: theyre booing you dude" Okay, never mind.

"The excitable salamander manning the camera switches to a fish-eye lens for some unfathomable reason, giving the whole exchange an air of demented absurdity. Dirk’s sunglasses distort and stretch to dominate the entire screen." I'm all here for NPC races doing menial labor half-way competently. :P Also, I feel like there should be some sort of visual callback to that image of Dirk's sunglasses. Something to do with the black hole from Problem Sleuth expanding to suck the entire universe up, which was reflected in the Stiller shades, and the event in itself is being called back to now, in the Black Hole sucking up the Furthest Ring!

"JAKE: What about the agitated rabble? Theyre starting to throw things. DIRK: I don’t know. Do a dance or something. Sing a song. DIRK: They love anything you do. JAKE: Ummm. JAKE: Ok sounds stupid but ill try." Using Jake's charisma as crowd control? Dirk, you beautiful mastermind.

"Jake tips an imaginary hat toward center stage and begins doing the Charleston." Hah, right, this might be a callback to that other Page dancing old-time dances, hahah, Tavros after he assembled the ghost army.

"Just as Dirk predicted, the crowd immediately loses its shit, except for a single carapacian in the front row, who continues to glower at Dirk with an expression of absolute and total contempt." If Jack hadn't remained in the session, I would've designated this guy as his great-whatever-grandchild.

"DAVE: why do you want people to hate you so much DAVE: its fucked up DIRK: You’re reading way too much into it." I don't necessarily believe that.

"DIRK: If I wanted another round of embarrassingly indulgent and mutually masturbatory psychoanalysis, I would have called my daughter instead. DAVE: hm DAVE: do i need to point out how fucking weird what you just said was or can that start going without saying at this point" This. This is Homestuck. This entire exchange.

" DIRK: The point is, playing myself up as a villain figure in this hacky rap pageant has nothing to do with getting people to dislike me. Besides, everyone loves a good villain. When they boo, they don’t really mean it." That has me thinking of Thog, a villain from Order of the Stick, actually. But yeah, Caliborn, Condy and others were really good villains. Doesn't mean we didn't mean it when we cursed them, though.

"DIRK: I think you’d be surprised by how popular I actually am. DAVE: i dunno man" At some point, playing the villain stops being a role, if you're too thorough in antagonizing the crowd. Dirk may have gone overboard here - in his role in the pageant I mean, I don't think anyone loves their god any less. Just one more way to show that, victory state or not, their original issues still come into play and challenge them to grow.

"DIRK: The point is, this is much less about me, and more about providing a foil for Jake’s heroism and charisma. DIRK: It’s very important that his popularity continues to be cultivated, to maximize his political capital. DAVE: political capital" ... Oooooh! Thinking three steps ahead of everyone again, nice going Dirk! I think Dirk might even have foreseen Dave rallying Karkat to stand against Jane, but I wonder which side he'll be choosing!

" DAVE: what the fuck are... DAVE: ok how long have you known about the jane thing DAVE: i mean is this something you have been planning for like DAVE: a long time or DIRK: Planning is such an intense word." Oh, he's trying to pull the strings again, is he? What game is he playing then, what policies does he want to instate, if any? ... Is Dirk a supposed xenophone too, or just playing to the tune of the largest group of swing voters?

" DAVE: jane is a shitty candidate dude DAVE: shes going to be so shitty DIRK: I thought you’d feel that way." ... Pfff I just realized Dirk wasn't typing, since this was a phone call. He's saying this all out loud! Typing's the old way of conversation, we discarded it for the most part, everyone has their Gift of Gab now. Well, hopefully at least Dave's part isn't being recorded and broadcast.

"DIRK: I respectfully disagree. DAVE: i get shes a good friend of yours and all but even you have to admit how far up her own ass she is DIRK: Of course. I consider it to be among her best qualifications for the job." Dirk might just be thinking: a self-absorbed candidate won't notice being pulled around. Even though she's, you know, his dear friend and all, he's still planning on manipulating her. :/ Old habits and such.

"DAVE: christ DAVE: ok if nothing else have you at least taken into account the DEVASTATION to the economy this will cause???" Strider Irony(tm).

"DIRK: Dave, I think if you search your soul, you’ll come to the same conclusion I have. Jane is just what this planet needs. DIRK: We’ve all had our fun here, but it’s easy to overlook the fact that civilization on Earth C is hardly a sustainable proposition. DIRK: Just beneath the surface, it’s quite a dangerous and unstable place." Oh, cool, so Dirk was acting on the same things Dave noticed, just having drawn different conclusions. Guess there's more to playing god as a winner of Sburb than sitting on your butt all day long, huh?

"DAVE: i know that DAVE: which is why actually i think it would be cool to have a president that is good instead of bad DIRK: He’s not as great as you think. DAVE: what" See, I know Dirk'll say Karkat, but I kind of wish he'd say Obama. :P

"DAVE: who DAVE: obama?? DAVE: how dare you" XD PFFFFFffffhah, okay, should've seen that coming.

"DIRK: I’m happy for both of you, really. It’s nice that you encourage and support each other in this way. But you’re sending him on a fool’s errand which can only end badly." Like, I understand where Dirk's coming from, we know how unbalanced Karkat is at his worst. But Dirk's seems to be the conservatist route, while the current status quo is so unbalanced someone with at least a little liberal thinking should try changing policy, little by little. ... Okay now Homestuck has me doing political discourse. Hussieeeeeeee! ... Why am I now picturing a Homestuck AU about the climate change truant student marches of Europe?

"DAVE: wait DAVE: how do you even know hes entering the race DAVE: we like just decided this DIRK: A competent political operative has his ways. DIRK: Besides, it was always pretty obvious to me you’d react this way the moment the announcement was made." Okay, not ruling out entirely Dirk has something spying on Dave, but that would verge too much on what Bro would've done in his place. He probably just cold-mindedly assessed his potential response.

"DAVE: cause if youve already got jake on your side then i guess we might as well just fucking quit DIRK: I wouldn’t worry about that. DIRK: He and I don’t quite have the rapport we once did. DIRK: He’s “over me” and doesn’t spare opportunities to make ostentatious demonstration of this claim. DAVE: um DIRK: Basically he doesn’t like being told what to do. Especially not by me." Cool, okay, so... Jake is needy in his own way, in showing he can fend for himself, at least that's how Dirk sees it. Guess they still hang out a lot though, just no longer "like that". That must be a letdown for the shippers, but a boon for the people that felt betrayed at seeing Dirk & Jake back together in the Credits. I like that middle road, actually! And hey, the versions of Jake & Dirk in the New Game Plus timeline, or whatever we should call it, are still fair game!

"DIRK: So it’s fair to say as of now, he’s still fully in play. DIRK: Not that I should be encouraging you, really. DAVE: you are one doubletalking son of a bitch you know that DAVE: i cant tell if you dont want us to run or are reverse psychology mindfucking us into running" Very true, that. Why would he share the truth about Jake if he wants to win, unless he wants fair competition? Best not to dwell on it too long on this neverending stairway of hidden intentions, lest we fall down it.

" DAVE: not like i can just stand around and wait for president crocker to like DAVE: write fucking grammar laws into the constitution" Pfffff, yes, I had forgotten about Jane's grammar practices, hahah. Guess she has a good running mate in Dirk for that, at least, capitalization and everything in order when he's not rapping.

"DIRK: Sorry to cut this short, but diapers are starting to come down pretty hard right now, and some of them haven’t even had their babies removed. DAVE: what" what. I hope it's at least consort babies, they're arguably the most resilient, as semi-sapient animals.

"DIRK: That was a joke." Ah.

"Jake can’t help but watch the motion, raking his eyes over the muscles shifting beneath the skin of Dirk’s neck and arms.

There is something implacably magnificent about Dirk Strider, Jake thinks, untamed like a wild game beast of incredible size and strength." ... Well then! I didn't think the narration would offer us this view from the perspective of Jake, thought it would be reseverd for John! Not entirely sure how I feel about the privilege of seeing Jake pine for Dirk, though. :P At least it clarifies where the allure is in it, for him. It's an extension of his taste for adventure and his upbringing on an island full of terribly powerful beasts.

"Of course, their history together is never far from Jake’s mind, however many years it’s been since their last tussle of an amorous nature. The old dramas and triumphs in the days of Sburb. Dirk’s companionship has been taxing to the heart, to say the least, and yet he’s taught Jake so much—about combat, philosophy, life, love." Okay, that is just such a Jake thing to phrase it like this. I'm glad we get to see he's not so oblivious or un-elloquent in his mind as he presents himself to the outside world, consciously or not.

"But sometimes, despite their checkered and problematic past, Jakes wishes that he could seize Dirk by the proverbial horns and wrest him bodily into becoming a much more agreeable fellow." Heheh, so Jake actually would like to impose on Dirk some manners. At least with him it stays with desires, while Dirk really did try to impose on Jake when they were together.

"DIRK: How about you kick off the next round? DIRK: I bet this crowd will settle its shit right down the moment you drop the latest rhymes you’ve been tinkering with." This is going to be painful to read, isn't it? ... If we're going to read them at all. ... I swear, this might just lead into them having "the xest rapoff in the history of Earth C".

"Jake’s face lights up. He composes himself, adjusting a bow tie, although he is not wearing one, and making a vague gesture like he’s twirling one end of that mustache Dirk has not yet let him grow. Dirk lets him go with a gentle smile, like the sort you’d give to a dog for performing a trick adequately. Jake responds to the signal like an Olympic athlete hearing the starter pistol. He was born for this." All the best and worst aspects of Dirk & Jake as a couple are basically summarized here. I mean, Dirk is not even WITH Jake and vetoes some of his choices. Then again, Jake really does have TERRIBLE (but hilarious) taste in mannerisms.

"JAKE: Tally ho its me, jake mcgee! JAKE: Popping my pistols off, two shots and a kiss JAKE: My aim is tops, i never miss" ... I'm not disappointed, this really IS almost physically painful to read, as expected.

... Okay that was actually a very amazing rap. Well thought out, good use of the vocabulary, dated though it is. I liked "jake-eng's" and "jape-slings" in particular, especially since that was what Vriska dismissed him as, a joke, a jape.

"The crowd, as Dirk rightly predicted, has settled its shit right down. This is not due to any accidental brilliance on the part of Jake English, but rather due to an abashed but loyal brand of pity, the kind a devoted fan cannot help but feel when they see a beloved celebrity make an ass out of themselves during a live broadcast they have waited two and a half years in line to buy a ticket for." I think this might be Dirk's POV. Not everyone's tastes in rap are as dignified as his, after all. :P Consorts in particular might love this. Then again, we saw John embarass carapacians not too long ago, they're not immune to pitying people. But hey, on the brightside, maybe some of the audience <>'s Jake now. :P

"Dirk’s phone begins going off again." Unless it's something more ominous, this is probably Dave having the last quip.

"With a casual flick of his wrist, Dirk snaps out a bright red tranquilizer handgun and shoots Jake in the neck. Jake’s glasses crack when he hits the mat. A chorus of boos rises up from the crowd like groundwater. Dirk artfully dodges a bucket of obscene troll fluid to field yet another very important personal call." ... Did Dirk actually use a Crockertech tranquilizer on his co-god? What the hell, Dirk? Guess all is fair in the ring.

And I suppose it's not Dave then that is calling him this time, if he takes such drastic measures.

"DIRK: Yo Rose, what's up?" Oooh, if we get to see this, that would be early we get to see Rose again! Dirk and Rose'll probably be planning their next move now that John has left. (Which I take Rose to already know about, through her Seer powers, or a call with Roxy.) ... Maybe some of their plans only could have worked IF John left, if they wanted to regain some measure of relevance through them.

[oct2pus]

re: homestuck alt-history

its disappointing, in volume 3 of the Homestuck books Hussie even mentioned you probably would not want to read the alt history for homestuck and he was correct. Some of it was funny or amusing but overall the Hitler stuff was handled very poorly and it really soured my enjoyment of the rest of the rest of it. the better stuff: - Vaudeville assassins was interesting in theory - Confirmation of Jake being bisexual is nice. Also a confirmation of him being a gigantic dumbass which is perfectly in character. - Clamity Jane is an interesting idea. - Obama actually being from the original timeline is funny to me because that implies a lot of shenanigans. the worse stuff: - The irrelevant treatment of Hitler absolutely feels like Hussie* wrote this in 2010 and never thought to modify or work through it. A lot of people have gone into why blaming a Jewish person for the Holocaust is bad and I have nothing new to add to that discussion, its stupid and he really should've known better. - Clamity Jane is an interesting idea but how she's explored is pretty boring. - Actually knowing who Guy Fieri and ICP are as people actually makes their fictional counterparts less compelling as Villains. - Seemingly the only modification he added to the piece was to acknowledge the Trump Presidency; if this was a purely fictional tale I think this would've been a lot more interesting but actually seeing the Trump presidency has completely soured me on any jokes about Trump. - The Vaudeville Assassins would actually significantly benefited from not knowing the complete history of the Vaudeville Assassins. * i specify Hussie because he literally addresses the alt-history in Homestuck volume 3 and actually says you probably would not want to read it and he is 100% correct! overall its not very good.

[mx-sandman-and-mx-brightside]

January 26th

It's my last day with my cat before he moves to France with mom and I still can't believe it. I'm gonna miss him so fucking much. So I didn’t get any homework done tonight. But I did listen to Ghost. They’re back on tour and Copia’s serving absolute cunt and slaying absolute penis and whatnot. The Nameless Ghouls also look fucking amazing. I think if I’m not obsessed with at least 3 bands I lose my mind. — is also a Ghost fan, high key the reason I started listening to them. I talked to pup a lot today. I also talked to —. So that’s all good. The Nameless Ghouls’ new costume involves gas masks which instantly made me think of —, hence why I was talking to wolf about Ghost. I’d fucking love to be the rhythm guitarist for Ghost one day. I wanna start wearing band themed face paint to school, like Kiss or the Misfits or My Chemical Romance or Ghost (or ICP if that doesn’t get me dress coded lmao). Next year I also wanna start doing crazy shit with my hair. Dying it more often, liberty spikes, shit like that. — reblogged a Nine Inch Nails song on glitches gore blog which I thought was funny. Ghost’s music always makes me feel Hekate’s presence really strong. I have a devotional playlist for Her, in my experience she likes rock and metal, and especially songs that reference the devil. My devotional playlist for Apollo has 150+ songs on it, today I definitely felt His presence while listening to Ghost‘s most recent song “Call Me Little Sunshine”. Definitely gonna get more involved in witchcraft and paganism and all that shit again. I'm gonna bring my cards with me to dad’s so I don’t have to use the Shrek UNO cards.

[earwaxinggibbous]

10 Songs that make Love/Sex Sound Like No Fun

Happy Vagina Day! I mean Happy Valentines Day!

[wipes brow]

What do you mean it’s the 15th???

Valentines Day has always been my least favorite holiday, even now when I can actually appreciate it as a taken man. I was never a very romantic person, as hard as I try, and a lot of the gushy crap forced down our throats around February is akin to being buttfucked with a tree branch. It’s like walking into a store and all of the workers are talking in uwu-speak.

Hewwo wewcome to Gwistedes dat wiww be 20 dowwaws! Cash oah cwedit?

But if February is good for one thing aside from overcoming your Winter Break Hangover, as a song critic, it’s a good time to talk about love songs. (And fuck songs, ‘cause there’s a lot of those.) But talking about songs that actually bring out powerful romantic feelings is absolutely no fun, because like I said, I’m not a romantic man. Wouldn’t it be much more fun to find love and sex songs that make the acts seem... really, really lame? So that’s what we’re doing.

Keep in mind that I don’t know every song on the planet, in fact, my scope is actually a very small, strange corner of the musical world. So if you have your own list, feel free to put it together and show me if you want! Go crazy.

Honorable mentions go to any songs that aren’t actually intended to be romantic or sexy. Stuff like The Nine Inch Nails’ Closer. Or Eminem’s Kim. If that’s your idea of love, well... you do you I guess. There’ll be more honorables later.

Nuuuumber 10!

Closer - The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey

I personally believe both of the artists involved in this are more sexually weak than Kevin from F is for Family. (And if you’ve watched the whole series you know exactly what I’m talking about. Also hit me the fuck up, I need someone to fanboy over that shit with.)

I like Halsey. I don’t think she’s amazing or anything. Oftentimes I feel like her greatest flaw as an artist is that she wants to do three things at once: Appeal to internet people who like stuff like Marina and Lana del Rey (eg. Colors), appeal to a mainstream that just likes regular easy-listening pop music (eg. New Americana), and also just do her own thing and talk about her own experiences (eg. Control and Gasoline). These things don’t really work that well together at times. New Americana is one of those times, I hate that song. Closer is another one of those times.

The Chainsmokers kind of improved by 2017, but for awhile they were putting out soulless crap like Don’t Let Me Down with all the excitement of a party that only consists of art students. Closer is also lame. But more than that it shows me two things: The first being that Andrew Taggart is an asshole, and the second being that the Chainsmokers don’t know how to write women and even Halsey’s halfway-decent voice and attempts at emotion can’t really fix it.

“Hey, I drink a lot. But everything was fine before we started dating, so it must be YOUR fault!”

Part of me almost feels like Taggart just really wants to fuck Halsey and so he wrote this song as an excuse, like it’s essentially the expensive version of a self-insert fanfic. 

If the Chainsmokers are good at one thing, it’s lyrical detail. It worked in their favor in Paris, which is a song that I actually really love. All of the tiny details worked into it paint an insanely vivid picture of these two rich kids basically having some kind of one-night stand.

In Closer it does the complete opposite. I have a hard time believing that there’s any thought less sexy than fucking in the backseat of a range rover with a mattress in the trunk that belonged to your roommate, and they probably masturbated on it and how do you even have this car if you can’t afford it? Or is Taggart just being fucking presumptuous? Dammit, man.

Halsey plays this really pathetic character who left Taggart’s character based on looks alone, and is now regretting it because I guess the endless sexual draw of the weird long-headed guy from the Chainsmokers would make anyone change their mind. It paints Halsey’s character as pathetic, and that’s a character I have absolutely never wanted to see her play. Because her personality as a singer is kind of thin. When she’s playing a character who is aggressive and violently emotional, it works, but when in a role like this it feels like misuse of her actual talent. Kind of equivalent to when they got Eminem on that strip club song Shake That.

(He don’t get it. You don’t get it. And most of all, I don’t get it.)

Frankly, Halsey’s strengths (”specific yet vague” emotional detail) don’t play off well with the Chainsmokers’ strengths. (detailed scenery to piece together vague stories) These two should never have gotten together. Frankly, they shouldn’t have even tried,

Numéro Neuf

You Was Right - Lil Uzi Vert

His face is so weird. It’s just so weird.

I have a kind of odd love of Lil Uzi Vert, despite the fact I’ve only heard one song that I really liked. (XO Tour Lif3, for the record.) I feel like he has a creative energy that most artists in pop are missing, but he’s really, REALLY not using it to his advantage. A lot of his songs are just kind of... nothing. 

You Was Right is one of those hits that was so early in 2017, my brain keeps telling me it was a 2016 hit. It was also Uzi’s first platinum single. It’s an okay song musically. Not that interesting. Beat kind of sounds like it was bumped from Wicked, which is not helped by the fact that Metro Boomin’ was involved in both songs. But lyrically, this song is... weird and confusing.

The basic plot makes sense: Lil Uzi’s character in this song feels bad after cheating on his girlfriend, and he wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from doing so. But man. This song makes the idea of a relationship with Lil Uzi sound like way more trouble than it’s worth.

I bet you’re asking me: “Panda, is this line accompanied by the most obnoxious eye-roll possible in the music video?”

Yes. Yes it is.

Yep, that’s right. Lil Uzi is feeling guilty, and wishes he’d never taken this girl home, and--

Uzi stop.

You should’ve just not. Done anything. Because you have a girlfriend. You shouldn’t have boned, you should’ve gone home and boned your girlfriend, dammit Lil Uzi. Let me like you, you bastard.

The reason this isn’t any higher is because I at least feel like Uzi has some kind of love for his girlfriend. As the second line indicates that the moment he saw his girlfriend, he immediately passed by some other woman to hit her up. But still...

I THINK YOU KIND OF DID WRECK HER. YOU FUCKED A GROUPIE, MAN.

This whole verse is just funny I have no explanation. Like. You’re in the same room, but because the door is locked, even though... you’re in the same room? You can’t talk? But she’s actually in the bathroom. And Uzi needs to take a piss, so he’s basically just forcing some romantic lovey-dovey crap, like babe I wanna caress you, I’m seriously gonna wreck the carpet right now, can we just move on from this.

But here’s the best/worst line, in my humble onion:

1. What does this have to do with anything,

2. He’s gonna fuck your sister and then kill her if you talk shit, I guess. So to my sister, I am very sorry.

I think Uzi improved on conveying emotion in his next album, or at least with the big single XO Tour Lif3, which I’ll defend until I’m dead. But as for You Was Right, well... he was wrong.

Número Ochoooooo!

Shape Of You - Ed Sheeran

Did you wanna fuck Ed Sheeran?

NO?

TOO BAD.

Ed Sheeran is a musician I enjoy purely for the purpose of mocking him. While he does, now and then, drop a good single like Don’t, Sing or Castle on the Hill, oftentimes he exudes only one thing:

PERPETUAL VIRGINITY!

Maybe it’s because of his voice. Or maybe it’s because he looks like a high schooler who hit puberty too late. Maybe it’s because I have THIS picture of him saved to my computer:

Look at him. Look at his fucking face.

He just exudes involuntary celibacy. Not like the reddit “hurgh durgh FEMOIDS” kind, just like. The “sees a naked boob and passes out bleeding like an anime character” kind.

Look at his fucking face. He looks like he’s not sure how to hold a woman’s hand. He looks like he doesn’t even know what it is. I don’t know how I’m expected to recognize Ed Sheeran as a sexually active man. The weird dinky three-tone beat ripped straight from Sia’s Cheap Thrills and pretty much every Rihanna song ever, namely Work, doesn’t help in the slightest. Because here’s the thing: Work and Cheap Thrills are not sex songs. If anything, they’re songs about the lower class and their struggles. No fucking required, unless you count Drake’s verse on Work.

Shape Of You is a sex song. And it’s about as sexy as wedging your dick in a paper bag.

It’s like it was supposed to be a romantic sex song, but the vibe I’m getting is a teenage boy up in your DMs asking (admittedly politely) for titty pics. 

He’s in love with the shape of you. Just your outline. Your contour. Like that one episode of Ed Edd ‘n Eddy where Jimmy somehow gets his linework stolen and has to be kept in a blender? He wouldn’t fuck a lady like that. You gotta have a... shape. Square. Circle. 

RECTANGLE GIRLS OF THE WORLD

This isn’t helping the whole “virginal loser” thing for the record.

The verses try to be more romantic, and totally fail at it because let’s be honest, if Ed Sheeran took me to an all-you-can-eat buffet on our first date, I’d probably kill him. McDonald’s is even preferable. I guess it’s also technically more expensive if you want seconds, but like... everyone there is probably sweaty... and the food usually looks really gross. Sometimes you have mashed potatoes in the steak bucket and it just completely ruins your day.

Ed’s wispy delivery really doesn’t help, as he has all the sexual energy of a castrated Charlie Puth. He’s not crazy. He does not fit the radio definition of “crazy”. He’s the musician that I just see the least as one who fucks. Puth gets more pussy. The ICP get more pussy. Meghan Trainor probably fucks more than he does, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she was some kind of otherworldly plant being that reproduces via budding. 

Also I’d feel bad if I didn’t mention the video, which is literally, no joke, the video for Maroon 5′s One More Night. You know, where the lead singer becomes a badass boxer who punches shit. Now I’ll probably drop my feelings towards Maroon 5 with more detail in the future, but in short, I actually enjoy most of their singles. One More Night is a fun song in my opinion, not high art or anything, but I like it. Adam’s falsetto doesn’t bug me as much as other people. I’d prefer him singing in a high pitch than, say, Swae Lee.

(Dammit Swae, let me love you, you bastard.)

But see, I actually also prefer the VIDEO for One More Night. For two big reasons.

1. Adam Levine is at least a little more threatening than Ed Sheeran. Remember how fucking goofy Animals was BECAUSE Adam was singing it? Imagine if Ed was on that track. It’d be ridiculous.

and

2. One More Night was a song about how his relationship with his girlfriend basically feels like a warzone. The violence in the music video was, at some level, metaphorical. In Shape Of You it doesn’t have any emotional or symbolic relevance, so I just have to take at face-value that Ed Sheeran is a boxer, and...

That’s just not happening.

Numerum VII!

Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell and T.I.

This would easily be higher up if not for the fact that, on the most technical level, it’s a joke song.

Bet you didn’t know that.

Yeah, the joke here is that these three are singing this ridiculous sex jam despite in real life all being happily married men (or at least were at the time this song came out, Robin’s wife promptly dropped him as soon as this album fell into our collective hands) who are way past their prime when it comes to flirting with chicks at the club. Also, Pharrell looks like an alien.

I’m not gonna extend this too much, as everyone’s already riffed on Blurred Lines more than we’ve probably riffed on other socially questionable songs like U.O.E.N.O. or Treat You Better. But this song sounds like it... COULD BE about sexual assault?

I’ll be fair and say that I don’t think this is straight-up a rape song. Because the thing is that it’s not actually about sex, it’s about picking up girls. But Robin’s approach is so slimy and gross that I’d honestly prefer, very specifically, to re-enact that one scene from The Simpsons’ Cape Feare where they drive through a bunch of cacti with Sideshow Bob hanging on the bottom of the car, and I’m Sideshow Bob, but facing the ground with my dick out, so it slides through the cactus like a sad, sad little pool noodle full of thumbtacks.

On one hand, there’s implications of attempting to get consent, and on the other hand, there’s also discussion of whether or not he’s actually GETTING consent or not. Maybe it’d work if Robin Thicke had more swagger to his personality, and if they removed all the stuff about “blurred lines”, it’d be less suspicious. But even then it’d still sound like a /r/niceguy trying to convince a girl that she WANTS to fuck him.

Once again I’d like to mention the video real quick, specifically the alternate version.

The topless version somehow makes it even LESS sexy. When the women were clothed, it definitely gave more of a vibe of “cheeky girl at a bar playing hard to get”, but once you have a bunch of topless chicks running around looking unhappy and bored, it reads more as... “harem sex dungeon”.

Not much else to say, really. Other than that Miley Cyrus has horrible taste in men.

Even you can do better, Miley.

Nummer Sechs!

The Hills - The Weeknd

The Hills is about as sexy as getting the bottom half of my body lost in the void while prime minister Shinzo Abe projectile vomits onto my face.

I actually like this song. But it doesn’t sound like sex. At all.

It does sound like a good horror movie soundtrack, which I guess...

I guess at least this line would make sense if it was?

Everything about this song kind of punches you. The beat punches you and the tune punches you and it’s really really loud. Literally everything about this song fits together EXCEPT THE PREMISE. This is, from what I can gather, a song about some dark spooky sex machine who’s helping a girl cheat on her boyfriend, but doesn’t really care because his drug problem or something is more important to him. And nothing fits with it.

Say what you want about Earned It, it sounds like a sex song. Maybe I’ll discuss that song in the future, but while Earned It creates the vibe of some sort of expensive Blank Space-esque rich guy mansion with a sexual twist, The Hills sounds more like... an explosion in a really dark place. Even the video works for the sound more than it works for the premise. Frankly, if this had been a song about a break-up or being sent to prison or something, I’d totally buy it. The Weeknd’s warbling baby voice can convey suffering more than it can convey sex.

The best way I can explain this is...

Imagine if Rolex was backed by the ending track from A Serbian Film. That’s the tonal problem we’re talking here.

Though lyrically, The Hills isn’t high art either.

Bragging about erectile dysfunction: Counting this and Young Thug’s Lifestyle, I guess we can call this a theme now. I hate it. Also, Weeknd rhymes “simple” with “simple”. And the fact that this is a fuckjam makes the title drop of The Hills Have Eyes even more questionable. I’d honestly rather hear a sex song based on Cannibal Holocaust.

Also, fun fact, this song has a remix featuring Eminem. Fucking EMINEM. That is the least sexy rapper you could have picked. You could have chosen anyone for your sex song, and you picked the man responsible for such classic sensual love songs as Stan and Just Lose It.

Dear Weeknd, I wrote you but you still ain’t callin’...

Still a song I like. Just... pretend it’s not about boning.

Numero Cinque!

Bad Things - Machine Gun Kelly ft. Camila Cabello

I debated deep in my heart as to whether or not I could, in good taste, put this song on the list. Because I really shouldn’t expect a whole lot from ex-Fifth Harmony member as well as the only Fifth Harmony member anyone knows the name of, Camila Cabello, as well as this weirdo Machine Gun Kelly, who looks like a very failed attempt to clone Macklemore.

But then I read this.

Wait, this is a love song?

I thought it was just... about like, fucking.

ALSO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SAMPLE OUT OF MY HEAD IN A LOVE SONG.

And most importantly, and much less aggressively, why does this song sound like it’s about, like... abuse.

Like, yeah. You’re- you’re giving each other scars. And guess what! This is actually edited.

Somehow the edit makes it both better and worse. Because on one hand, like, bruises usually sounds like more of an abuse thing. When I think of an abuse victim I see bruises. But, also, scars are... technically a bigger deal? Bruises go away. If you’re scarring up your SO, then you have some serious issues. And MGK’s uninterested delivery makes it way worse, as well as the Fastball sample that is from a song about hurting your lover. Which kind of sounds, uh, a lot like... what’s going on here.

And, uh, I guess you could argue they’re in a really intense BDSM relationship? I guess Camila seems pretty into it, and not really in like, a Stockholm Syndrome way. But the other thing that takes up a good chunk of this song is the comparison between drug dependence and romance.

Which really doesn’t help?

Like drugs aren’t a good thing. Honestly I feel like Kesha using this metaphor was a sign of things to come considering what happened to her in 2017. Because, here’s a crazy thought, drugs may be addictive... but they also hurt you.

Like an abusive partnerokay we’re moving on sorry.

Numero Neljä!

Treat You Better - Shawn Mendes

Oh hey, I like, just mentioned this one.

Honestly, Kodak Black’s Side N**** would’ve taken this spot, except that I don’t wanna think about Kodak Black. Ever. So you get the whiter version of it.

Treat You Better is another one of those songs that makes the idea of dating the singer sound insanely unappealing. But unlike You Was Right above, Treat You Better has next to no self-awareness.

I’ll admit that I don’t really hate Shawn Mendes. I actually like Stitches, the tune is nice enough and regardless of how you feel about this apparently 6′2 tower of twink flesh, you can’t really argue that he hasn’t got a decent set of pipes on him. 

But damn if his songwriters aren’t trying to sour my opinion of him at every turn.

If this were an actual review, I’d complain about how the backing guitar sounds exactly LIKE Stitches, but the problems arise in the lyrics, and the way the video plays off of the lyrics.

oh wait excuse me

Alright sorry.

But in case you can’t tell, Treat You Better is basically a niceguy anthem. I mean, when I read the title I thought it was like the earlier-mentioned Fastball’s Out Of My Head or Hoobastoobaskeeboodidillybaboobastank’s The Reason where the male singer does some nonspecific bad thing to their SO and vows to be better in the future. You know, like--

(YAH... HUH... I PROMISE TO, UH... BE BETTER... YIEAH...)

But no, actually. Treat You Better is more equivalent to Daya’s Hide Away, which you could honestly consider as on this list in the exact same spot because they’re basically the same song.

I suspect the reason nobody wants to date Daya is because she dresses like Heather Chandler in the 2018 Heathers remake.

I also suspect her and Shawn would absolutely love one another’s company. 

To be absolutely fair, neither of these songs take the stance that real life nicefolk take, because it’d make them look absolutely insufferable. The big reason I chose Treat You Better over Hide Away for this list is that the video tries to imply that Shawn’s object of attraction is being abused by her current boyfriend. Which I guess makes sense, but...

I love how the combination of the song and the video essentially imply that Shawn’s got this ladyfriend who’s being beaten to shit by her boyfriend and his only response is man, this is why you should’ve dated me instead! I would be WAY better to you than that guy!

Instead of, you know.

This guy is seriously terrible to you and I’m calling the police.

Or better yet!

Kill him.

Also this girl’s just not... a very good actress. I’m not asking for a Hollywood performance, just, you know. Some kind of expression other than “mild disinterest” when you’re about to get your shit kicked in would be nice.

Really the big issue is that, regardless of whether or not we’re supposed to see the girl as an abuse victim, Shawn will forever see himself as the victim. Which means it’s either

A. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is a taken woman and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

or B. Some dildo victimizing himself because his best friend is in an abusive relationship... and he wants to Betta in her Dannygans.

So either way, Shawn Mendes’ greatest worry isn’t your safety, or if you’re happy in your current relationship, his one worry is getting his spindly little baby-soft white boy hands into your undies. And frankly, I just don’t need that in my life!

the third one

Honey I’m Good - Andy Grammar

How much do you wanna bet all these couples broke up/got divorced after featuring in this thing? 

I labored over how this one matched up with #2, but decided it was at least making some sad, sad attempt to promote faithfulness in couples. See the plot of this song written by Andy Grammar, who I’m assuming is a one-hit wonder because I’d certainly never heard of him until this song came out, is stated very clearly:

I think the best part about this is the way it’s worded. “I gotta be like oh baby, nah baby” makes him sound so annoyed. Like, “Ugh, I wanna bone you, but I wanna be nice to my wife or whatever, so I GUESS I’ll turn you down... Sigh...”

So this is essentially a self-fellating anthem congratulating Andy’s character for not cheating on his wife. Because, as he says,

“Yeah, babe, better men than me have cheated on their wives, so it’d be totally fine if I DID, but I’m such a Nice Dude that I won’t do it. For my wife. Smooch.”

One could argue that he’s supposed to be drunk, but let’s be real here: Being drunk doesn’t make you lie. If anything, it makes you more honest. Booze is a truth serum. Now if he had just gotten out of dental care after getting his wisdom teeth pulled and his hot lady dentist was trying to flirt with him, maybe I could imagine it making sense.

And once again, the Devil’s Advocate could say, “well if he’s being honest, then this shouldn’t be a problem, he’s faithful to his wife”, but the thing is that he’s not even totally drunk yet.

Translation: If I have another drink, I’ll be so boozed up that my honest feelings will make me want to fuck that ass.

He’s tipsy at best, which is why he’d admit to considering this at all, but if he were more drunk he’d totally fuck this assumedly more attractive woman. So for all we know he’ll go back to the club tomorrow, have one too many, and considering how well this stupid song did, he’d throw enough money at the next Cambodian prostitute he runs into to buy her a mansion.

The congratulatory tone to the music doesn’t really help, it really does feel like Grammar is sucking himself off for having the “willpower” to not be a completely terrible person. The only thing that makes it even more hilariously sad is the video of elderly couples lip-syncing to it, all the while holding up signs or wearing shirts that say how many years they’ve been together. It’s as if they’re bragging about how their marriage is bound to last way longer than the marriage in the song.

“Mildred, do you promise not to bone a random guy at the bar when I’m home?” “Only if you promise not to do that either, you rascal you.”

For all I know, Andy Grammar’s a great guy! But with only this song to go by, I’m obligated to assume that he’s a complete dildo who wears a mask of faux-Southern charm when he’s sober and avoids getting drunk so that mask doesn’t shloff off of his face like he’s a juggalo at the official sprinkler festival.

The weirdest part of this to me is that this song is so catchy we actually fell for it, if only for awhile. And its happy tone kind of makes you forget the lyrics. I almost feel like that was intentional. Like, his producers looked at the lyrics and just said, “Boys, let’s fix this shit.” It’s not even good production, it’s just really catchy! Fuck!

All in all, Honey I’m Good is about as romantic as listening to my parents argue at 12 in the morning. Not only is there no reason Andy Grammar deserves any congrats on his mediocre “feat”, but he really doesn’t seem to love his wife that much, if a shot of tequila and a scantily-clad cokewhore is enough to wreck his faith.

Numbah TWOOOOO!

What The Hell - Avril Lavigne

I’d honestly argue that Avril Lavigne’s character as a singer is equally sociopathic to that of Taylor Swift and Cher Lloyd. I feel like after Hello Kitty slaughtered her reputation and career forever, we kind of forgot how genuinely terrifying she was. She’s like every horrible thing about being a teenager squeezed into one person who’s way too old to be pretending to be a teenager. I mean, look at Girlfriend. The only thing more terrifying than Girlfriend is, well, What The Hell. 

Because, you know. That’s not a problem or anything.

Rather than the obsessive character from Girlfriend, Avril in this song is the complete opposite. She doesn’t make connections with anybody, and when she’s sick of a relationship, she’ll move onto her boyfriend’s friends, strangers, fans, non-fans, parents, teachers, Todd Howard, etcetera. So she’ll go around macking on anything she wants and then have blase, slightly annoyed reaction when her boyfriend is completely horrified by it.

(This? This is my greatest fear.)

Her disinterest really comes out in the lyrics, and her sales pitch is, basically, this is just who I am and you should fuck me even if you don’t like it. Especially since, while I hate to be the guy who says it, if this was a song by a guy, everyone would fucking hate it. I actually don’t mind the beat or the tune, honestly, I listen to this song sometimes when I’m out of music that rises above the bar of “guilty pleasure”. That almost makes this worse. Everything is delivered with the disinterest of a Future verse, as if this is just a normal thing, and looking back imagining middle school me singing along to this is pretty fucked. 

Not that I really blame this for any kind of influence on children. Honestly I don’t think anyone was really listening to the lyrics, they were just having fun. It’s fun! That’s pretty messed up.

By the way, I think this bit on the bridge says a lot about Avril as a writer (and maybe even as a person):

I love the assumption that this guy is still devoted to her after she has cheated on him and shown no remorse whatsoever. Why would he really want her back? Personally I’d say something along the lines of “fuck you, bitch, go get syphilis somewhere where it can’t be transferred to me.” Bye bye!

Really, though, the more Avril Lavigne tried to lean into her teen rebellion phase, the more I realized how old she was. And as she got older, and tried to be more rebellious, it became less endearing and more sociopathic. Maybe she’s a really nice person, but at the same time, to write a song like this, I can’t really tell. Especially when THIS is how she describes it:

Avril, you read the lyrics, right? Of course you did, you sang it. Jesus, lady.

Well, before we move onto the big weiner, let’s talk honorable mentions!

You Belong With Me - Taylor Swift

Surprised that Taylor didn’t make it on here? It came down to the wire, but in the end, the concept of screwing in a pile of jizzy sheets in a range rover bumped this one off the list. Still, though, Taylor’s attempts to be “relatable” end up making her sound desperate. And also Taylor’s pre-existing ideas of why she’s “better” for him than this other girl kinda remind me of...

Hide Away - Daya

I almost wish I had found space for this song since I hate it so much. But really my biggest problem with it is that Daya sings like a rubber goose and that, of course, the nicegirl/niceguy mentality needs to die and people like Daya are perpetuating it.

Don’t Wanna Know - Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar

Yikes, dude. Just... yikes.

Marvin Gaye - Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor

Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor are two beacons of sexlessness and this song does Marvin Gaye a disservice. The only reason I left it off is because it’s honestly been discussed to death, I’m almost like, tired of hearing about it. 

Side N**** - Kodak Black

This isn’t even a niceguy song, it’s literally “you should date me because I’ll shoot you and your man if you don’t”. I’d have loved to make space for it, but I don’t even want to listen to this song in full, or talk about this guy. At this point Kodak Black is keeping the fire lit with controversy. I’d like to just dump water on it.

NUMBER ONE!

Sigh. This one’s obvious enough.

Dear Future Husband - Meghan Trainor ft. Satan, probably

Sometimes you just gotta throw your hands up and say STOP, MEGHAN! STOP!

STOP!

Meghan Trainor is an artist who I actually do understand the appeal of: She appeals to white feminist teenage girls and soccer moms that still read Twilight even though their daughters are long since over it. But, sadly, that’s two demographics of people I hate, and  thus, I find myself hating everything Meghan Trainor puts out. The only remotely passable single I remember by her was Lips Are Moving. Dear Future Husband isn’t even my least favorite fucking Meghan Trainor song. (It’d probably be No, if I had to pick.) But god, if this song isn’t just... oof.

Let’s get the shoehorned feminist message out of the way:

We know you have a job, nobody’s expecting you to cook, why would you bake pies all day, who needs that many pies, no you can’t write a hook, and these views are insanely outdated for anyone who doesn’t have a Return of Kings account. So great, you have a job and can’t cook. Cool. That’s a thing with a lot of people.

Honestly the insistence that she “deserves it” even though she makes no attempt to prove herself a good wife aside from saying she’ll buy you groceries and fuck you sometimes. This song kind of lays on the assumption that you’ll do literally anything because, duh, she’s famous musician Meghan Trainor, and if you don’t do these things, YOU JUST HATE FAT GIRLS.

(Mary Lambert never pulls this shit. And she weighs more than the gold toilet you use, while you’re using it, MEGHAN.)

Honestly though, listening to Meghan Trainor songs just kind of turn me into that obnoxious guy on 4chan who unironically uses the term “feminazi” in 2018. Because really, she fits every feminist stereotype in existence, and she never says anything of any worth.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way--

Acting crazy... how?

Do we mean like, Ren & Stimpy crazy, or Avril Lavigne crazy?

Because I’m terrified it’s the latter.

Meghan kind of talks about her theoretical future husband like he’s a dog, or some other kind of animal that does badass tricks. Essentially obligating him to constantly do what she wants, when she wants it, and never disagree with her even if she’s in the wrong, because then she MIGHT fuck him. Or, uh, excuse me,

Some KISSES! :D

You like KISSES, don’t you? Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? IT’S YOU! YOU’RE A GOOD BOY!

...

[clears throat]

It doesn’t help that this song is, essentially, just a list of requests and things this guy has to do. So while Meghan can do whatever she wants, her husband is still required to do the traditionalist romance crap like buy her things, lose every argument, hold doors, accept potential insanity, and be “classy”.

Honestly, don’t let Daya and Meghan Trainor do a single together. I think the pain of hearing it will overtake my body. Like that forcible body-wracking feeling you get when you dry heave.

The best part being that I haven’t even touched on the worst line.

So like, ignoring all of the other shit, if a girlfriend or potential wife said this to me, I’d jump ship. Like, controlling every other aspect of your life wasn’t enough, she also gets to decide what people you see! So if she doesn’t really like your good friend John, then he’s banned from this house forever. And forget about seeing your grandpa. She doesn’t care if he has cancer! You fucking MISOGYNIST PIG! LOVE YOUR WIFE!

Urgh. Of course the song that combines the insanity of What The Hell with the me-me-me attitude of Treat You Better and the bored lack of emotional connection in You Was Right would top this list. I’m glad Meghan Trainor killed her own career in 2016, because I don’t think I’d be able to handle another year of these shitty faux-feminist throwback jams. Thanks, Me Too!

If I was you, I’d wanna anyone besides me, too!

Also, if anyone’s curious about ratings I’d give these, here you go.

10 - 2/5 stars. Not good enough to be mediocre.

9 - 1.5/5 stars, mostly because Lil Uzi can do better, which is half a saving grace and half a detriment.

8 - 1/5 stars. Ech.

7 - 2/5 stars. I’ll admit the Blurred Lines controversy was blown out of proportion, but it’s still not that great of a song.

6 - 3.5/5 stars. I can get down to this, it’s just... not sexy.

5 - 0/5 stars. RIP Fastball.

4 - .5/5 stars. Only because Shawn’s slurring is funny.

3 - 2/5 stars. At least it’s fun, I guess.

2 - 2.5/5 stars. Again, at least it’s enjoyable if you ignore the words.

1 - 0/5 stars. No more Meghan, please.

[musicmushi]

hmmm harvest fog spice and maize for the ask thing!

harvest - what fictional character do you most identify with? Why? 

*deepest sigh* I can hardly between my children! But okay I think it’s pretty safe to say that I most identify with Aradia Megido like I always had this idea that if I were to remake homestuck scenarios to fit real world logic, I’d basically make have the easiest time with Aradia’s story. Her life, death, robot, life again arc really speaks to me and the moment when she smiles and is like ‘I’m very much alive and I intend to stay that way!’ is the realest shit to me! I could really go on forever how I feel connected with my spoopy ram child. Also the whole ghost and occult thing is so full of YES! (Also also I really relate to Tavros but he’s more of a inspiration for me)

fog - how well do you think you’d do in a zombie apocalypse scenario?

I believe that you’re really only as good as the team you surround yourself with. Which I mean to say that singular skillsets are indeed important but like with all apocalyptic scenarios, the best way through it is team work and trust. That being said I will probably either be the last bitten or the first. I would make a decent lookout but not much more. 

spice - have you ever encountered a house that you believed to be haunted?

Yes I lived in an old farmhouse that was suspected of being haunted by some previous owner and one time when we were trying to make the place livable before officially moving in, my step-dad was fixing the electricity in the attic and my mom and one of the workers heard an awful blood curdling scream come from the attic. My mom freaked out thinking my step-dad got electrocuted but when they rand over to check on him he was completely fine (unfortunately) and really confused as to what my mom was freaking out over having not heard a single thing before my mom and the worker barged in to check.

maize - share the weirdest encounter you’ve had with a stranger on the street.

Well this isn’t technically the street but considering what happened it might as well have been. But first just so I keep in line with the rules, the strangest thing I ever had happen to me dealing with street strangers is I’ve had multiple guys stop me while I’d be walking around my old city and they’d ask me if I had a boyfriend or try to request sexual favors or something. I’d just be like ‘please just let me walk home from the grocery store in peace’

OKAY now for a specific story! 

So while I was living at this same city, I would pass the time with walking around for blocks just listening to my music and minding my own business. I decided to do this early one day when it was like...the ending edge of a sunrise and I walked around till like...11 or 12 noon or something and I decided to stop at the library to take a breather and kick myself for not eating beforehand. 

So I’m sitting in the library just taking in the quiet and relax before I plan to set out for home again and there’s this guy that’s sitting across from me and he’s like ‘sup’ and I’m just like ‘hey’ because I don’t wanna be rude and ignore a simple greeting. 

Anyway, he starts doin the small talk thing like askin things like ‘hows it goin’ and simple stuff and I’m a friendly person so I’m answering casually and just bein myself and he tells me he’s an artist that does commissions and I was like ‘oh cool!’ because it is cool and I’m always happy to hear that there’s artists in this freakin state I live in. SO he pulls out his phone and sketchbook and he’s showin me his portfolio basically and everythings cool for a little bit until he starts typing in his phone and I’m thinkin ‘oh he’s obviously texting someone right now’ like the small talk session is over and he doesn’t wanna talk to me anymore like okay cool whatever. 

But then he waves me over to show me his phone.

He shows me what he typed and it was something like ‘what would you say if I asked you to have sex with me?’ and I start fuckin panicking internally because wow NO! I’m immediately made uncomfortable and I want this exchange to end but I don’t wanna be rude or jumpy or anything so I just look at him and laugh awkwardly like ‘haha you’re so funny no of course I don’t wanna have sex with you! I dont even know your name! Get the fuck out of here!’ (I didnt actually say that though) 

So I laugh at this and then he laughs which feels like a relief to me like ‘oh thank god he was just joking okay’ so the topic drops for a little bit and I kinda wanna go home now but I can’t just excuse myself because I don’t wanna be rude or anything. He waves me over again for me to read another text thing on his phone. It was another sex proposition and he was like ‘yeah but no for real though’ to which I reply with confusion and a polite and awkward ‘no thanks thats okay’ and the topic drops and I’m thinkin that I wanna go home NOW!

Well I don’t know how this happened but I somehow agreed to walk with him to some batting range or something because he wanted to hit some baseballs and eat from the concessions stand thing they have there I guess and I was like super hungry so I was like ‘eh food okay’ and I didn’t want to upset this guy or have him stalk me to my house or anything so I just go along. He leads me out of the library (after I tried to sneak out ahead of him and he was like ‘aw cmon I dont bite you dont have to be scared’ which just scares me even more but OKAY) 

So anyway he leads me out and we walk to the range and we start talking about movies or rather he goes on about his favorite movie and I kinda nod and let him go on and during this I let out that I really like voices and voice actors and he’s all ‘I can do a really good stitch impression!’ and I was like ‘oh really thats cool’ and he does it and I’m just like ‘yep that sure is a stitch impression’ and in my head I’m praying that he didn’t just spring that on me to like impress me or woo me or something. So some more conversation happens and he brings up what he had me read earlier and I’m like ‘yeah I don’t get what your deal is like why would you ask me that? I’m all fat and sweaty and gross and I look like a homeless person’ and he scoffs and is like ‘ya know I really hate when girls talk about themselves like that. If I weren’t so sure you’d probably hit me, I’d kiss you right now to prove you’re pretty’

!!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP THIS IS YOUR MENTAL WARNING GO THE FUCK HOME NOW!!! BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!

At least that’s what went off in my head when he said that. But I didn’t listen because I was now alone with this guy walking on the side of a single road to a place I’ve never seen before. Not the smartest thing I’ve ever caught myself up in. So I really don’t wanna end up on this guy’s bad side because I have no idea what he’s capable of or willing to do if I make him upset. I laugh at this thing like ‘oh haha that’s weird okay yeah no don’t do it’. So the topic is officially dropped, the batting range is closed so we decide to walk back to a gas station on the way back to the city square. As we approach the gas station he asks me if I have a boyfriend and I kinda panic and I’m like ‘yeah! uh he’s out of state though’ and he’s like ‘oh! That explains it! Ya know you’d be more fun if you only got fucked more often’

What????!!!! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???!!!! Can someone please explain this? Because I still don’t get it.

Again I don’t say anything I just sorta laugh awkwardly and the whole time I’m stickin with this guy because I don’t wanna be rude or mean or anything and I dont wanna upset the dude both out of fear and a weird sense of courtesy. So after that mess we go inside the dang place and he asks me if I ever had faygo before. My brain is so full of what at this point I’m somewhat convinced that I’ve been creeped on by fuckin Gamzee Makara at this point. I mean not really but you get my point of thought process here. I tell him ‘yeah I like it okay’ and he then tells me that he’s a juggalo and asks me if I’m a fan of ICP

!!!! Hhhhhh what the fuck did I get myself into??

I say no and I mention that it all just ‘reminds me of a webcomic I like because there’s a juggalo that likes faygo a lot and you should check it out you’d like him a lot’ and I tell the guy the name and he’s like ‘cool’ and so we get to the faygo and I’m lookin at the choices trying to decide on a flavor and the guy just fuckin grabs a random-ass bottle from the fridge thing and is like ‘here youll like it’ and I’m just like ‘okay whatever’ and I pay for the whole thing including some cigarettes that he wanted because I’m so nice or rather because I’m a scared little pushover that just wants a decent transaction and nothing bad to happen.

So after all that and some more idiocy from the guy I’m finally able to get away from him and back home without him knowing where I live and I told my mom as soon as I entered my house and she thought I was being overly paranoid and that this guy coulda been really cute or something. I decided to stay inside a lot more often after that and I never ran into him again.

The key problem I had was a fear of being told that I was being a bitch or something so I never said anything when things actually scared or worried me. I just went along with the uncomfortable words in the hopes that it was all just some joke and I wouldn’t get hurt. Maybe I was being paranoid jumping to the worst conclusions but thank god nothing physical happened. I can’t help but wonder what woulda happened if I was more firm from the beginning...I probably woulda gone home a lot sooner and avoided the story I told you. I shouldn’t have been so scared to be ‘rude’ because its not rude but I don’t like people telling me I’m being rude or selfish so I end up being a pushover. Don’t be afraid to be ‘rude’ when things bother you. I mean don’t be a destructive bitch or anything but polite assertiveness and a firm ‘no’ is not rude. Don’t do what I did.

[home-of-monsters]

Wtf even is my life??

So, I have a high school friend who works for a local broadcasting company. He mostly films wrestling, but he and a few of his colleagues are actually really good, so the company has let them branch out to bigger things (he’s filmed some other sports, and has filmed Kesha’s and ICP’s concerts).

Because of his work, he’s gotten quite a following. He’s recently decided to use that following to start promoting local bands.

Which: cool! 👍 totally down for that! 👍 local music tends to be forgotten when people support local arts. And most people’s ideas of supporting local bands is paying the cover fee. So, I legit thought this was totally awesome!

Except....

Guess who’s page he just liked 😒

I’m not sure if he’s going to start promoting them, or if he just genuinely likes them, but now Facebook is throwing CWG’s band page all over my suggestions.

Which a) like, this is not funny, why tf are so many people in my life connected to him??!!

and b) wtf is even Facebook’s algorithm?? I have CWG’s Facebook blocked, and his Facebook is linked to his band’s page, so how is his band’s page not, by proxy, also blocked?? Or, at the very least, why would it show up as a suggestion if an account linked to it is blocked??

[buriedalive-blog]

MKULTRA INTERVIEW

Read to learn more about emerging artist “MKULTRA”

Who clearly has respect for the art of music and originality.

We talk inspirations, plans for the future and.. Filthy frank

C. So how I always start who are you?

MK. I'm MKULTRA, I'm a producer and rapper based outta the internet

C. What got you into music?

MK. I been playing guitar since i was 10, and at the time I guess I just thought it looked cool, eventually I feel in love with it

C. That’s funny cause a lot of musicians have that story, I started being a “rapper” when I was 12 showing off in front of people I just met, then I rolled with it and now I’m doing it.

When you were younger was rap something you had interest in?

MK. I was listening to some rap but i didn't really get into it till when I was around 15. I started out a huge rock guy, which eventually led to punk and metal. The rap i was into at the time was pretty much anything that kinda had a connection to metal. Like I got into public enemy cause they did a song with Anthrax. Also had an icp phase cause i felt it was kind of a similar attitude. Eventually i got more open minded and started really getting into it around high school

C. Do you feel listening to rock has influenced your style or attitude today? What other things do you feel have shaped who you are today?

MK. I think some of it does, im not super into metal nowadays, although i do go back to certain artists, i dont think it has that much influence on my music at the moment. I think punk definitely had more of a lasting impact on me, especially with attitude. In high school I really started getting into a lot of different genres, I would listen to a genre alot for maybe about a month or two and then I would go on to the next thing. There were constants that I was always listening to but my focus always shifted, i had like musical ADD. I was also taking guitar lessons at the time so I was learning jazz and classical for a little bit. I think it all kinda influences me at certain times. Also im into alotta weird shit i think that influences me too

C. That’s the beautiful part about music, it can be brought from so many places. People tend to say hip hop is closed off from all other genres but that really couldn’t be more wrong

MK. Yea i think people that say that are really misinformed. I think the reason why I fell in love with hip hop is because if you go back to the beginning it was originally based on sampling. The founders were listening to so many different styles of music and creating something completely new. EL-P once said that he didn't sample records, he sampled ideas, I feel like thats what I try to do alot of the time.

C. It’s a beautiful art form. So Just being In the underground world I have seen your name everywhere. If you look on your SoundCloud you have thousands of plays. What was your path getting here? And where do you plan to bring what you have?

MK. I used to have alot more maybe a year ago but I switched up my sound pretty drastically and I feel like my initial fanbase died down. I think 2017 was really me starting over, like a completely new artist.

C. That’s always interesting and inspiring to see, for example filthy frank to joji. Was he some one you were ever familiar with before he was into music?

MK. I liked some of his Filthy Frank shit yea. I'm not super into his music but I got respect for him as an artist. I think he's definitely talented

C. Yeah he was fucking wild

MK. Yeeeeeeaaa hahaha

C. Hahaha, so in music who have been your favorite people you have met and or worked with?

MK. Medicine Man i've known since I was little so him. I also fuck with Gizmo, Swami Mags, J Trauma, Preachernicky, Yung Rivethead, and a bunch other people

C. Shout out rivethead. Rivethead interview coming soon

MK. Yea man his shits dope just keeps gettin better

C. For sure, So what’s next? Where do you want to be in a year?

MK. I'm just wanna build my fan base, get bigger so I can eventually do touring, afford better recording equipment, all that shit. In a year i wanna be actually making a living off music haha

C. Hell yeah. I’ll be wishing you luck

But it was a pleasure having you on buried alive.

Anything you’d like to say before we go?

MK. Nah im good man thank you

C. Thank you for coming on

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https://twitter.com/MKULTRA4747?s=17

https://soundcloud.com/mkultraproductions

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