#i thought this one turned out ok so im not too ashamed to post it

[graveilexxy]

[marvel-and-chicago-fan]

Family Isn't Always Fair

Matildas age: 14 years old

Tw: Seizures, Hospitals, Family Arguing, Yelling, Mentions of shots

Summary: After Matilda's sister got diagnosed everything changed and she didn't get much attention as she used to. That was until she was diagnosed with Epilepsy and their entire family crumbles with one Chaotic night.

______________________________________________________________

Of course they didn't show up. They are always paying attention to my older sister Sophia. Ever since Sophia test results came back they've been acting like I don't exist. It's been like this for 3 years now since I was 11. 

My competition was today for ice skating and they promised they would show up but turns out they had something “come up with work” I just know thats a code sentence for something that came up with sophia. 

I haven't even had the time to tell them something that's been going on. My teachers and friends notice i blank out a lot and i've brushed it off for awhile but it's gotten to the point where i even got detention for not paying attention in class

***

Walking through the door I don't hear anyone or the house being filled with chaos. “Mom? Dad? I'm home”I shouted. Just as I thought no one, not even Sophia. All I see is a note on the counter with dads card saying I can door dash if I want too.

I heard someone knock at the door and I waited 30 seconds before getting up hoping the dasher had already left.

***

I was finally dozing off when my family came home

“Mattie we’re home” My dad yelled while putting the groceries on the counter.

I walked into the kitchen to see my dad already preparing dinner. “Wanna help?” 

“Sure, it's not like I have much to do, '' I replied, finally relieved that I got to do something with my dad for once.

“Hey, so i made first in my ice skating competition” I said, trying to make some small talk

“That's good Mattie, so are you moving onto the final round? Jay asked while finishing up the pasta on the stove.

“Yeah and i'm going up against my biggest comp-” 

“Your biggest what?” Jay turned his head towards Matilda when she didn't reply. “Mattie? Can you hear me” Snapping his fingers in her face.

(Authors Note, Even though abscess seizures last less than 15 seconds I'm going to make this last for around a minute reading it may seem longer but it's not that long). 

Jays POV

I called Hailey to come downstairs because either Mattie was pranking me or something was seriously wrong with her.

“Yeah jay what's up?”

“Somethings wrong with Mattie, it's like she's just staring into space and she's not moving.”

“What do you mean she's staring into space?”Hailey tilting her head in confusion 

Jay waved his hand in his daughters face and she didn't respond

“Alright i'm calling will” 

I was keeping an eye on Mattie but before Hailey could call will, Mattie started moving aging. 

“Mattie, are you ok? What happened” 

“Yeah im fine and i don't know what happened” Her voice obviously confused 

“What were we just talking about?” I asked. Will taught me in these situations I should ask questions if something bad were to happen. 

“Uhh, I don't really know. It's like there's fog everywhere in my head”.

“Hails stay here with soph im taking her to med” I said almost dragging matilda off the kitchen bench.

“Ok, keep me posted. I'll tell voight you can't come in tonight.”

***

Connor “Ok so we ran some tests and it's epilepsy. It seems like she suffers from absent seizures from what she told and what you experienced with her. “ 

As Connor checks up on Mattie I feel ashamed to even be a father. How did I not notice this, she had been suffering for a while. I made it seem like Sophia is my only child, I made her feel left out, I made her… I made her feel like a glass child.  

“Jay, JAY!” i was snapped out of my thoughts when will was trying to get my attention

“Sorry just thinking about something” I murmured

“I'm going to tell you this now, whatever happened whatever your think isn't your fault. You couldn't have prevented it no matter what you do. She's gonna have to live with it for the rest of her life and you guys will manage it I promise you.” will said while walking to sit down with me. 

9 months later

Things are different nowadays. Hails and I have been arguing more now over Sophia on how I never pay attention to her and I spend all my time with Matilda now. We started attending couples therapy 5 months ago, and so far it's working . We've been arguing less and spending an equal amount of time with the girls. I still do spend a lot of time with Matilda but Hailey does have to know.

“Sophia, hurry up if we wanna get good seats then we have to leave now” I yelled upstairs while grabbing my keys and matilda's small bag. 

***

“GO MATTIE” i cheered probably louder than everyone else.

Matties POV

Spin, Jump, Spin again anddd pose. I received an applause from the crowd and started to skate off the ice. I headed to the locker room and took my skates off and put my guards on.  I walk around to find my family talking with my coach.

“Ahem?”My mom gives a look that means stop and behave.

Finally they finish and come over to me

“You did an amazing job honey, are they not doing awards today?” mom said as she hugged me

“No, they said something was wrong with there scoring so they'll release them out by email to us” I groaned

'`How about we go out for dinner, whose turn is it to pick?’ My dad asks

Before I can answer my sister shouts out “Olive Garden '' I don't really like olive garden that much but I prefer to have a nice family outing than to argue. 

***

Once again me and my sister are fighting but this time it's bad. She had snuck out last night and got caught. She blames me because I didn't answer my phone to let her in. She ended up having to go through the front door which sends a notification to our parents phone every time the doors open. In my defense I had to sleep for my competition. I wasn't about to have dozens of seizures because I was sleep deprived. 

I was talking on the phone and my sister overheard me saying “She was a spoiled brat and she's annoying” Truthfully i was talking about this girl in school that everyone hates. Next thing I know I was hanging up on the phone then next I was being pushed to the floor. 

Haileys Pov

Me and Jay agreed that we would just let the girls fight now. They always made up and the fights were never physical, only verbal. 

We caught Sophia coming back home at 3 in the morning. We grounded her until winter break which is in 1 month. The whole fight went on for about 20 minutes before jay told them to shout 

Quieter before the cops came. 

I was showing Jay an instagram post when there was a loud thud. Me and Jay both shot our heads up towards the ceiling. “Girls stop throwing stuff” i just looked down at my phone then looked back up when i didn't hear them shouting. “Matilda?...Sophia?” Me and jay both shared the same look and got up to see the damage

“Mattie, soph what's going-”Jay's voice in a mad tone “Mattie, oh my gosh.”

Walking in we see matilda having a seizure and sophia just standing there in shock

“She's having a seizure, Sophia. I need you to run downstairs and get my radio” Sophia just stood there looking at me. “Sophia so help me if you don't go get that radio you will wish voight would have dealt with you instead”. By saying that Sophia snapped out of whatever she was in and ran downstairs.

“What happened? She never has epileptic seizure in awhile” i asked

“She could’ve hit her head or something because i don't know how you get from standing the ground” Jay replied while checking his watch as hit the 30 second mark.

Sophia finally brings up my radio and radio for an ambulance. “This is 50-21 gorge. I need an ambulance to my location, 15 year-old female having a seizure.  

At a minute and 30 seconds the seizure finally stopped. We rolled Matilda on her side in recovery position. Jay checked her pulse to make sure it's steady.

I ran my finger through matties hair, i couldn't hear jay asking where the ambulance is i just kept playing the scene in my head.

(Forgot to change the pov so this is going to to be in 3rd person until  Voight is done yelling at Sophia)

“Hey Mags” will said while putting his tablet down

“Hey will, you need to control your niece”

“What did she do this time?”

“She told me last week that she wanted to live with me because i let her eat ice cream while she was over at my house because "everytime i come to your house you let me ice cream"” She replied and made a squeaky voice

Will let out a small chuckle “She for real said that? I can't blame her i would want to eat ice cream all the time too”

Just then the buzzer went off signaling that someone new came in. Will ran over 

“What have we got”

“14 year old Matilda Halstead, found having a seizure in her bedroom” The paramedics said

Will knew he couldn't treat her because she was family. Connor and Ethan stepped in for the place of will.

“Ok, we're gonna move her to the bed on 3, (1-2-3).” Ethan said while getting ready

“Hey matilda, can you tell me how old you are”  Connor said while rubbing her sternum

Will just stood there looking through the open door. It took will to fight off every thought to go in there and help.

Just then Natalie walked in to begin her shift. “Hey will, how are you?” When she didn’t get a response she turned around to see Will standing there. “Will are you good?”.Natalie caught a glimpse of what was going on and decided that will shouldn't be seeing this. “Will, how about we go sit down.” Natalie brought will into the waiting room where the rest of his family was.

***

“Ok Matilda you're going to feel a small poke.” Connor was telling Matilda what they were doing even though she wasn't responding. 

“I want her taken up for a CT scan and I want the results as soon as possible, say Dr. Goodwin orders it.”

Connor didn't care if he got in trouble for lying about Sharon Goodwin's words. Matilda was family and he would do anything for her no matter the consequences.

***

Connor walked into the waiting room to see Jay, Will and Natalie. “So she had a seizure because of how hard she hit her head. She also has a mild concussion. I want to keep her for 3 nights just for observation. She wasn't reacting to the meds we originally gave her so I want to rey giving her something else.” Connor explained

“Why wasn't she reacting to the meds”. Jay asked obviously concerned

“I don't exactly know why, I wanna take her up for testing if it's ok with you and hailey”

“You can do it, Me and hailey give you permission to do whatever it takes to help Mattie '' Even though hailey was here he knew she would give permission.

“We moved her to a room on the Peds floor, but she is awake so you can go see her,” Connor said.

“I have to go take care of patients but ill make sure to come see her when i can. I’ll find someone to cover you for a couple of hours” Natalie said while getting up

“Thanks Nat” Will replied while walking away from her

***

“ARE YOU INSANE SOPHIA?” Hailey yelled at her eldest child “MATTIE COULD HAVE SOME SERIOUS DAMAGE NOW, DO YOU REALIZE THAT” 

“Hailey take a break or go see your daughter, I’ll deal with her” Voight stepped in.

Sophia let out a gulp knowing shes dead. If you were in trouble and Hank Voight stepped in to deal with you, you might as well just go to jail.

But this time was different, something about the way he was talking was completely different from when he would usually yell at the kids when they were in trouble. This time he was…he was Comforting and nice.

Hanks Pov

“Sophia, you do understand that your parents are extremely mad at you”

Sophia was too scared to even talk. She thought if she said something Hank would blow up at her.

(Idk what else to do for this part let's just say that hank didn't yell at her and he listened to why she did what she did)

***

Matilda’s Pov

All I could hear was ringing and muffled voices all around me. When I tried to open my eyes I immediately shut them because of the blinding light. I can feel someone holding my hand and I finally open my eyes to see my dad sleeping in the chair, he moved close to my bed and my uncle will talking to my mom catching her up on what happened, to wherever she went…

My head is pounding and my mind feels hazy. “Did I have a seizure or something?” I think to myself.

Just then my dad wakes up and sees me looking around the room. 

Jays pov

I can see Mattie’s eyes and she is obviously confused and wondering why she's here. It's not our first time here and everytime she ends up crying because she doesn't remember what happened and she's confused. 

“Hey Mattie, how are you feeling?”

“Like I was thrown in a washing machine on a spin cycle.”

“I can see your humor and attitude hasn't gone away.” I chuckle

Just then will and hailey come into the room asking all type of questions

“Maybe you guys need to calm down on the questions and-” Before I could finish Mattie started crying.

“Why’s she crying?” Hailey asks concerned 

“She usually cries after waking up because she's confused and scared. Plus you two bombarded her with questions as soon as you saw her” I reply with a snarky tone

Just then the pager went off“ Shoot i gotta go take care of a patient i’ll be back later Mattie.”

“So did you talk to Soph” I said breaking the silence

“Yeah i yelled at her for like 2 seconds before voight came in.”She said looking down at the floor

“And what did she say?”

“She explained everything and i understand why she pushed her”

“Really hailey, you're protecting sophia again? She's the reason why we're having this conversation right now.” I yell but in a whisper

“Jay, how about we talk about this at home, we're in a hospital.” She says

“Fine, we'll talk at home. ”

***

I am so fed up with Hailey always protecting Sophia in these types of situations and using her disability as an excuse for her actions. “You're never here to see what's going every time she's in the hospital the first night, You're always at home with sophia.” I snap

“Well, yeah who else is going to watch her?”

“HAILEY, she's 16 years old, Mattie was staying at home watching her at 12 when we were at work and when sophia wasn't home” I yell but none it down because it's night time and i don't want Sophia and Mattie to wake up.

“I WAS WITH SOPH ALL ALONE HAVING TO DEAL WITH HER” she yelled back in a whisper.

“You seem to prioritize Sophia over mattie. Did you forget that you have another daughter? You made me feel like i needed to pay attention to Soph more than Mattie”

“Jay I-” She tried to speak but I cut her off. “No, I need to talk. Matilda has felt miserable for 3 years because of us. I didn't even realize I was making her childhood like mine. She felt like a glass child for years hailey…YEARS, and now when i try to hang out with her and be with her you need to put yourself there and say that “You should take Soph with you” I imitated her “Sophia this, Sophia that” I imitated her again “Do you ever get tired of talking about sophia?, NO YOU CLEARLY DON'T” I yell this time “GOD HAILEY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU HAVE TWO KIDS NOT ONE, BUT TWO.” I shout in her face “I am so done with you right now-”

Just then Matilda walks in the kitchen wondering what's with all the shouting

“Dad, what's going on?” she asks

“Nothing Mattie, go back to bed i’ll be there in a minute” I reply with a smile

She runs back up the stairs and I turn back to my wife. “You don't even go to her competitions anymore…” is all i could say. I couldn't stand to see her right now. 

I walk up to mattie room and knock on the door frame “Hey my favorite ice skater, can i come in?

“Sure”

I walk into Mattie's room and sit on the bed. 

“Hey dad?” 

“Yeah?”

“Are you and mom gonna split up?” she asks me with tears in her eyes

“Oh Mattie, I really don't know honey. Me and mom are just going through stuff and we aren't happy with each other right now” I tell her while bring her in for a hug

“I heard you arguing about me and Soph, but mostly me” 

“We just had a disagreement about something that had you in it. It's fine, nothing bad was said about you. I reassured her

“You don't have to talk to me like i'm five anymore dad” She said making the word five very clear

“You're still gonna be my tiny little baby forever though” I chuckle “Mind if I sleep here tonight?” I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with hailey let alone be in the same room with her.

“Why” Shes asks

I quickly come up with a lie that she will believe due to the recent events “Will and Connor said i need to watch you just incase you know”

“Sure you can go get the spare mattress in my closet because i know you wont sleep in my bed because you complain i move in my sleep, plus i don't wanna sleep by someone who snores like a bear”

“You got one thing right, you move in your sleep like crazy and two I do not snore like a bear, I sleep peacefully like a baby.” I say while bringing the mattress and blanket to the room.

While setting up the mattress I realize I don't have a pillow “Hey Mattie do you have a-” I get cut off with her throwing a pillow in my face.

“Here's your pillow you big baby”

“Alright go to bed before i ground you for doing something stupid, i'm gonna use the bathroom real quick”

“Ok”

I came out of the bathroom to see Matilda passed out in her bed. She definitely missed her bed while being at the hospital. 

I get into bed, well the mattress and think about what I'm going to do tomorrow. I can't continue living with someone who acts like this and doesn't recognize her other daughter. Let alone see her when she's in the hospital.

***

Things are different now. Hailey wouldn't agree with me on how she's wrong about Sophia and how she “can’t” take care of herself. A few months after the whole thing with Sophia and Matilda we got a divorce. We dropped the charges that were held against Sophia because we didn't want it to hurt her future. Me and her still work at intelligence but i don't come in for work unless i need to. I do cases from home in my office so I can be with Mattie and I don't have to see Hailey as much. I do go into work every couple of days to be with the team and talk about cases and whatnot. 

Mattie alsojust celebrated her 15th birthday with family and friends. As an extra gift from me to her I took on her dream vacation to paris. I even tried to ask hailey if she wanted to come but she said no and that she had work that week. I knew it was a lie because I knew her schedule and she probably just said that so she could take care of sophia.  Mattie, even a national titIe when she went to Nationals. She was the highest scoring out of the entire competition. I couldn't be happier. 

Although I do miss our whole family being together it's been better now that we're apart. I've gotten to know Mattie way more and had to listen though all the girl drama. Even had to help her when she first got her period and i didnt know who to call because Hailey and Kim were undercover. 

Life may be different than it was. What maybe a year and a half ago, but were going to be fine and were going to live with it. 

“Other things may change us, but we start and end with the family” - Anthony Brandt

This is way longer than it is on wattpad because i combined both chapters into one plus i like changing the title in tumblr for the fun and looks if it. Just a little quote to close out this story

[yuraslefttoe]

hey, it's me again! I came to pester you with questions!! *there should be a scary laugh, but it sounds more like mean giggles*

(by the way, I’m thinking about sending you such long texts with questions (because I have a lot of them!!) once one or two weeks, if you don’t mind. . . . . . .you don't mind..??? (god, I hope you don’t get tired of me..!) I'm so sorry, please, I'm just very interested!! *qwq*)

ok, let's start with the sweetest part, prelude. ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT YOU REPLY SO QUICKLY, GOD, NOT PASSED A FEW HOURS!!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU HAD TOO MANY QUESTIONS SO I DID NOT EXPECT A SO SOON REPLY!!

I’ll remind you once again how much I adore your work (after all, you deserve it!!), and I’ll also say that I specifically shouldn’t talk about posts tagged with the  adm, because I’ve read your tumblr and twitter in its entirety several times, I even have a separate album in my gallery with answers that particularly interested me, there are several hundred screenshots there and I don’t regret anything! (sorry if my hyperfixation may be intimidating!!)

*=^._.^= ∫*

and now the questions!!!! 

1. my wife doesn’t have a tumblr, but her suggestion interested me and can be seen in the first two screenshots(the translation sounds like: “after the release of “red hour” I have an assumption that andrey is more... athletic than misha. either this is because of ferry’s drawing style, or he really has such wide shoulders")so now we are interested to know about the physique of your characters!! maybe some of them are thin, or vice versa, a little overweight. and what about physical training? did you have any headcanons for this??? ( by the way, when I ask about “characters” I mean not only misha and andrey, but also europe and maya, because they are also worthy of attention <зз) 

2. what about the abbreviation "dyusha" for andrey? in russian it is... not used very often, but still, it sounds very cute. so it would be interesting to know how you would feel about this? 3. I also want to hear about the names of the characters!! how did you choose them? I mean........ how did it happen that from ☺europa☺ you switched to 👹MiKhAiL👹?? (I'M SO SORRY, BUT MISHA'S FULL NAME SOUNDS SOMETHING THREATENING. MY UNCLE'S DOG HAS THE SAME NAME EHE- *ᕕ(ಥ▽ಥ)ᕗ*) 

4. and lastly, let's return to my wife for another moment. she suggested that andrey was now also in a time loop. what do you say about that? and also in enigma, she noticed that misha seemed to be addressing the second person in the lines: "and if you wanted to be anything more than just free" and "you’ve seen a hundred lies I see that all the time". is this second person a viewer? or maybe one of the previously mentioned characters??

the last photo, by the way, is one of the sketches that I found so far in my gallery! ^^ 

initially it was planned to attach two sketches, but andrey turned out TOO bad, I’m ashamed to show him. someday I'll redraw it into something normal.... maybe. but! I really like the pic with misha and the wolf(I hope this is the wolf you were talking about lol. google didn’t show me anything else, and I’ve never been to ikea myself, ehe...) 

(and I don’t want to post all this yet, because running a tumblr was certainly not part of my plans, haha)) I registered here solely to read your blog, and not to maintain my own) 

sorry again for possible illiteracy, and also for the chaotic nature of my thoughts, haha, I don’t know how to adequately express them in english.. and also, I’m really REALLY apologize that the text was too long, next time I’ll try to be shorter...

okay im gonna try and answer everything here in a coherent way so sorry if nothing makes sense

im just fine with lotes of questions :) answering asks and responding to comments is one of my favorite things ever and i brings a verry big smile to my face

on andrei: i consider him to be a skinny little gut but not exactly unathletic, and in addition i think he would have basic combat training and probably be good with firearms. misha is probably a very average bodytype, nothing special, not particularly athletic.

i do not speak russian (though ferry has recently encouraged me to learn so maybe in like four years ill be able to form a sentence) so i dont know anything about the short forms so you can do whatever you want. if you coin it and peoples tart calling him that i will not stop it from happening

i do not name my characters, i usually let me friends name them (i think that the only one i named was europa and his partner). going forward maybe ill try to make it more cohesive

the time loop idea im seeing thrown around alot is really cool and while i havent particularly wrote any of my songs about that in general i see it fitting into the loose narrative i have going on. also in enigma misha is definitely talking to andrei whenever he says the word "you" but it could also be to the listener because the entire theme of enigma is 4th wall breaking and meta shenanigans like that

that sketch is SO CUTE oh my god

[allofuswantgwinam]

han yun jae x reader part 2

warnings: cursing, suggested smutish at the end, the silent sea spoilers, pretty much fluff

https://allofuswantgwinam.tumblr.com/post/678818768886120448/ryu-tae-suk-x-reader-warnings-18-smut-pretty part 1💗

you sat there against the lab door with your thoughts running wild. how the hell.. what the hell.. all you wanted to do was stop him and then you let your brain lose to your arousal. not only THAT, but han yun jae heard it. he heard ryu tae suk make you scream and beg for him to fuck you… you were sure he’ll be even more appalled to find out the rest.

you jumped when you heard someone turn the door knob and open the door, making you almost fall backwards but you caught yourself and scooted over to sit against the wall. “jesus christ..” you heard a familiar voice grumble above you. you refused to look up. you knew han yun jae found you. you were still just in your bra and panties. you were too anxious to do anything but sit and rethink everything that had just happened. “are you ok Y/N?” he crouched down to your level and examined your body, concerned that tae suk hurt you.

“i don’t know.” you mumbled just loud enough for him to hear you. your hair was hanging down hiding your ashamed expression. you were worried about so many things. what is tae suk doing with the samples? is han yun jae going to judge you? what if tae suk really got you pregnant? all for a second of horniness. you don’t know if it was worth it.

han yun jae was hurt. he was being caring out loud but inside he was fuming. “where’s tae suk?” he asked realizing you were alone. “i don’t know jae… i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry.” you sniffled still looking down at the floor. he pushed the left side of your hair behind your ear and frowned seeing the purple mark on your neck. he sat frozen just staring at it, wishing he was the one who put that there.

“he took the samples… i wouldn’t help him do it so..” you spoke timidly and finally looked up to see his perplexed face. “i wouldn’t help him so he dominated me and i submitted ok?? i didn’t know what else to do a-and.. a-and..” you stuttered feeling your anxiety heighten. “i liked it.. but i regret it.” you sighed feeling a weight off your shoulders. “i tried to stop him but i should’ve just called for you and none of this would have happened. im ashamed of myself.” you started crying and pulled your knees into your chest.

his jaw was clenched processing everything you just confessed to him. he didn’t like any of it one bit, but it hurt him to see you cry. he was mostly mad at himself for letting you be apart from him long enough for anything bad to happen to you. “don’t cry.” he cooed and sat next to you, pulling you into his chest. “you don’t understand jae.” you sobbed and gripped his shirt. he rubbed your back feeling your warm skin against his fingers. he was planning on finding you both and raising hell BUT seeing you like this made him rethink everything. “it’s ok Y/N/N.” he continued to comfort you and pressed a kiss on top of your head. “im here to protect you. you need to tell me everything so i can help you.” he spoke soothingly wanting you to calm down and talk to him.

you listened to him, trying to calm your breathing. you loved being in his arms. it made you feel safe and felt like home. he rocked you like a baby, every now and then giving you a soft kiss on the head. “he tried to get me pregnant and im scared.” you confessed another terrible detail of your betrayal. “i’m gonna fucking kill him.” he responded instantly and his arms tightened around your body and you felt his heart pounding.

he could not believe what he just heard. it made him furious. you being pregnant with another mans child? what made him even more furious is he knows you didn’t want that. you may have had a moment of weakness but he knew you wanted to be with him like he wanted to be with you. “I love you Y/N.” it was his turn to confess something. “i’m really hurt and angry right now… but it’s my fault this happened. i never made you mine.” he said frustrated and reached next to you to grab your shirt. “i won’t leave you no matter what happens.” he spoke sincerely making your heart flutter. “if that’s ok with you.” you lifted your arms up and let him help you get dressed. you felt like a pathetic mess even though he was being really sweet.

“why are you being nice to me? I did something really bad and i know i did.” you asked with sincere confusion. you loved him too and have been craving to hear those words for the longest but you didn’t even feel worthy anymore. you slipped out of his arms to find your pants. “there’s still so much you haven’t heard.” you said trying not to cry, remembering that he shot E2. “he fooled us all jae.” you spoke shakily and faced away from him while pulling your pants back on.

“i understand.” he watched you weakly get your pants back on. “but you never answered my question.” he carefully gripped your arm and turned you to face him, both of you still on the floor. “is it ok with you if i stick around? with or without a baby.” his eyes were looking into yours filled with desperation. you wanted to attack him and pray to everything he was the one that gave you a baby, but you knew it didn’t work that way. “i hope you always stay with me.” you crawled into his lap and straddled him. “i love you and always have.” you held his face in your hands. “i can’t believe you love me after what just happened.” you shook your head in disbelief. “don’t get me wrong, i’m so grateful but i don’t understand.” you felt his hands rest on your hips and give them a soft squeeze.

“it’s not like you cheated on me.” he let out a light chuckle. “hearing that hurt. knowing someone who wasn’t me touched you hurt. knowing he took advantage of you and i wasn’t able to save you hurts the most.” he wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled your body into his. your noses were touching and he spoke with a stern tone. “now you just have to promise me i’ll be the only one making you scream from now on.” he looked in your eyes while giving you a soft kiss on the lips.

you were stunned. his eyes were piercing into yours and his eyebrows were scrunched together in a serious look. “Copy that captain.” you smiled and pulled him into a deep kiss. you ran your fingers through his hair and moaned when you felt him squeeze your ass in his strong hands.

he pulled away and laughed a little when you pouted. “im sorry, but we’ve got a mission to complete and an asshole to catch.” he poked your side, smiling when you giggled and pushed his hand away. “if all goes well we’ll resume this ASAP.” he smirked and handed you you’re space suit.

[kingarmorking]

Soriku - Beauty and the Beast AU

ok finished up the prologue! things may change i might make an update post if i think of anything else i wanna tweak or add but! gestures vaguely enjoy! hope its up to snuff (im pretty proud of it)

“Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a royal family lived in a shining castle. Despite having everything their hearts desired, the royal family was kind to their subjects in the kingdom. Benevolent, generous and quite kind. But despite this there were some select few within the kingdom who were jealous of the family and it’s been said that they sought out the help of an evil wizard.”

“One winter’s night a frail old man had come before the castle and asked for shelter from the storm outside. The family gladly let the man in, fed him, provided him with a change of clothes along with a room to stay in until the night passed. The wizard thought the family naïve and too trusting, they were a beacon of light to their subjects. Upon realizing that the king and queen had two heirs, twins, and the wizard set his plan into motion.”

“As night faded into dawn the wizard’s old appearance melted away to reveal a young man with piercing golden eyes. The family guards attempted to apprehend the man but were easily dispatched by his magic and when the king and queen asked what he wanted from them, the wizard replied he wanted to know how much darkness were in twin hearts that shone with a light so bright.”

“The wizard cast his curse and to the king and queen’s horror it was not directed towards them, but their two children. The older twin was sealed within the heart of the younger and the younger twin was transformed into a hideous monster of darkness. The curse extended to all servants within the castle, those being spared were only the king, queen and their grandchildren. The wizard then spoke, ‘I’m not so heartless that I won’t leave you with a way to reverse my curse. If one can look past the darkness surrounding those that would be cursed then it shall be broken otherwise it shall continue again and again and again.’”

“And with that the wizard vanished without another word and the king and queen, ashamed of the darkness within their children’s hearts, confined the younger to the west wing of the castle along with the older kept safe under a glass dome. Their grandchildren questioned why they could no longer see their parents and the king and queen had not the heart to explain why they couldn’t.”

“For how could they? Explaining that one was slowly fading away, the other losing their memories and sense of self and the fact that one of them could cause their children to carry on the curse was too much to bear. Decades past and the curse continued to appear in the family, only when twins were born, the younger would turn into a monster and the other would be sealed within the glass heart. Time soon erased the name of the royal family to the kingdom but the castle still stands as it always did. The questioned remained though… who, if any, would be able to break the curse that plagued them? Looking past the dark form and loving the person within… seemed like a fairy tale.”

/ - / - / - /

Roxas paused as he pulled his shirt on, staring at the emblem on his back, “It’s getting darker…” It was a large black heart with a fleur de lis symbol at its bottom tip outlined in red and two rows of red crossing each other in the center.

“What’s getting darker?”

He jumped a little and glanced over at who had spoken, Sora was similarly pulling a shirt on and he caught a glimpse of the same emblem on him, albeit smaller and over where his heart was. The glance told Sora all he needed to and he frowned worriedly, “Roxas…”

“It’ll happen any day now, you know this.” Roxas muttered.

Sora walked over and gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze, “I know but… we’ve still got some time don’t we?”

“And then what, this curse is gonna keep going and going Sora!” Roxas shook Sora’s hand off of him, “Don’t even try and say it’s gonna end with us, you and I both know that’s not true!” when Sora didn’t reply he continued, “I should just leave like dad did when he knew the curse was gonna overtake him. At least that way I don’t hurt anyone when I lose my mind.”

“Stop talking like that!” Sora shouted, gripping his arms, “You wouldn’t hurt anyone anyway!”

“You don’t know that! I’d rather live out my days alone than run the risk of hurting any of you!” Roxas furiously rubbed away the tears that gathered in his eyes.

Sora bit his lip and pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, “You wouldn’t hurt anyone… I know you wouldn’t. You’re not capable of doing that…” Sora whispered, “You care about everyone in the castle too much.”

“Sora I’m going to turn into a monster and start losing my memories… I won’t know who anyone is…” Roxas returned Sora’s hug, hiccupping softly, “I won’t even know who I am…”

He felt Sora grip his shirt before he pulled away to look him in the eyes, “You’re just going to have to trust me okay? I promise you that you won’t hurt anyone, I’ll stop you before you even get the chance!”

Roxas searched his brother’s face and saw the telltale signs that he was just as worried about the future as he was. The smile was forced, too wide with too much teeth, unlike Sora’s natural smiles and his eyebrows were furrowed ever so slightly. If it were anyone else they could’ve been fooled but Roxas knew him better than anyone else, they weren’t twins for nothing. He was always like this, trying to hide how he was feeling to cheer someone else up and it was hard to stay upset when Sora was just… so bright.

So instead he rolled his eyes and forced a wet laugh, “Yeah? And how’re you gonna do that when you’re gonna be a glass heart stuck under a glass dome?” he asked.

Sora faltered for a second, “Listen I’ll find a way!” he huffed.

“Yeah knowing you, you’d manage to use your magic and slap me with a broom until I stopped rampaging.”

“Hey that’s not a bad idea actually!”

“That’s not me giving you permission!” He couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of his mouth and he saw Sora smile again, this time softer and real. He bumped his elbow into his ribs and sighed, “Fine I’ll trust you on this, let’s finish getting ready or else they’ll bust in here demanding we hurry up.”

“Good! You should trust me more often, I have great ideas!”

“Shall I get my list out of the ideas you’ve had that have blown up in your face then? It’s in the drawer over there.”

“...Listen this time I promise it’s a great idea.”

“Yeah I’ve got a list for how many times that’s been your follow up too.”

Sora squawked in offense and pouted, “Fine never mind I’m not gonna tell you my idea!” he ran out of the room and Roxas soon followed him, wishing that these simple times would never be over.

/ - / - / - /

“Naminé, Xion what are you two doing?!” Roxas struggled in Xion’s hold as he felt the emblem on his back shrinking, watching as Sora’s grew bigger until it engulfed his chest, “Sora don’t tell me this was your plan the whole time!?”

Sora gave him a sad smile, “I told you I’d stop you before you got ever got the chance.” he replied as he turned to Naminé, “Thank you I’m sorry to have to make you two do this…”

The two girls sighed as Xion repositioned herself on Roxas to hold him down, “Let me up dammit!”

Sora ignored him and whispered something into Naminé, who nodded as she walked over to the others, “Xion… are you sure? My magic isn’t going to be able to the tell the difference between you and Roxas…”

Xion nodded determinedly, “I know, I knew the risk when Sora first approached us with the plan and I know the risks now. I’m okay with it.” she grunted when Roxas’s struggles doubled.

“No! I don’t want this! What the hell are you planning now!?” Roxas shouted.

Instead of an explanation Naminé held out both her hands, “I’m sorry…” she said.

That was the last thing Roxas saw before his vision went white and he… was suddenly so tired… What was I so worked up about before…? It’s so warm… It’s okay if I take a small nap right? Yeah… a nap sounds really nice…

Sora guided the glass heart under the dome and let it float in there, nodding gratefully to Naminé, “Thank you… so much Naminé.”

Naminé shook her head, “I still don’t like this Sora. You know this hasn’t been done before, we don’t know what’s going to happen because we altered the curse so much.”

“Well our predecessors never had the help of someone with as strong of magic as you so they never tried.” Sora replied, “I feel bad for getting Xion mixed up in this.”

“Xion’s just as stubborn as you are, if she was going to object to being a part of this she would’ve done it as soon as you asked us to do this.” Naminé headed for the door, “I’ll go tell everyone else that it’ll start soon…”

Sora nodded without turning around unable to take his gaze off of the heart. As soon as he heard the door shut, he crumpled to the ground holding his chest, I’m not going to hurt anyone… My name is Sora and I’m the crown prince of Heartkey… Either I’ll break the curse or it will end with me… he thought as darkness exploded from within him, curling around his body until it was engulfed.

[roguestarsailor]

impressions of six of crows

***spoiler ishh, not plot spoilers but just character interactions throughout the book***

note: I have not read shadow and bone and this is the first book i’m reading in this series so i have no prior knowledge of who these people are or what happened prior to this!!

I adore all these characters in the book! I love how seamlessly everything flowed and its glorious to read. The names were all confusing to me so I had to constantly refer back to the map and the Ice court layout to fully understand everything. I think there were points where I didn’t fully understand the impact because I didn’t read the other books. Talk of the Second army was confusing for me, but I just pushed through. I just love the dynamic of this group and I really really hope they are ok. Please don’t die. Will this author do this to my sensitive heart?? idkk?? 

the heist was so fun and honestly, i dont think the ice court was that well protected haha. it felt like they had so much time to do so many things but it just might be how the story is told. i love stories of trickery and heist and this one did a really good job. I love the backstories getting interwoven together and the plot twists were lovely. I was stressed for kaz though and i was nervous he will “run out of tricks” but it ended up fine. its strange because he is sooo young and hes battling these seasoned professionals and hes gotta navigate this fucked up world. they all have to navigate this fucked up world and i can’t imagine the stress of always looking behind you but also looking at the next 10 steps and then plotting additional scenarios to live. wow. anyways this i was great 10/10!!

Notable scenes include:

“Jesper!”

I’m going to kill that little idiot. “What do you want?” he shouted down.

“Close your eyes!”

“You can’t kiss me from down there, Wylan.”

I LOVE THEM ALREADY! JESPER AND WYLAN IS SO CUTE

“Pull your shirt up over your mouth,” [Jesper] told Wylan.

“What?”

“Stop being dense. You’re cuter when you’re smart.”

Wylan’s cheeks went pink. He scowled and pulled his collar up.

“Discipline. Routine. Does it mean nothing to you? Djel, I can’t wait to have a bed to myself again.”

“Right,” said Nina. “I can feel just how much you hate sleeping next to me. I feel it every morning.”

Matthais flushed bright scarlet. “Why do you have to say things like that?”

“Because I like it when you turn red.”

“It’s disgusting. You don’t need to make everything lewd.”

...

“Despite her fatigue, she trotted ahead of him. “That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t want to like a Grisha. You’re scared that if you laugh at my jokes or answer my questions, you might start thinking I’m human. Would that be so terrible?”

“I do like you.”

“What was that?”

“I do like you,” he said angrily.

She’d beamed, feeling a well of pleasure erupt through her, “Now, really, was that so bad?”

“Yes!” he roared.

“Why?”

“Because you’re horrible. You’re loud and lewd and...treacherous.  Brum warned us that Grisha could be charming.”

“Oh, I see. I’m the wicked Grisha seductress. I have beguiled you with my Grisha wiles!”

She poked him in the chest.

YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I FUCKEN LOVE THESE BICKERING IDIOTS. but also nina means so much to me. its so fucken refreshing to see a character who is overweight and can carry herself with so much sass and confidence (because thats what 17 year old me would have wished to be able to channel)!! i love that shes so flirty and especially to someone as stoic as matthais is cute af!! even the author wrote about how much she loves nina: “I probably identify most with Nina. She’s spent her whole life being told she’s too big, too loud, too much--and that’s basically me. I just wish I had Nina’ confidence at seventeen.” she has the kind of sass and big dick energy that comes w having to prove yourself and being shamed and i think thats why she has a special place in my heart!! maybe i’ll go in on my love for nina in another post but ugh i love her

“When we get back to Ketterdam, I’m taking my share, and I’m leaving the Dregs.”

He looked away. “You should. You were always too good for the Barrel.”

It was time to go. “Saints’ speed, Kaz.”

Kaz snagged her wrist. “Inej.” His gloved thumb moved over her pulse, tracing the top of the feather tattoo. “If we don’t make it out, I want you to know...”

She waited.

...

She reached up and touched his cheek...this was the first time she had touched him skin to skin, without the barrier of gloves or coat or shirtsleeves. She let her hand cup his cheek. His skin was cool and damp from the rain. He stayed still but she saw a tremor pass through him as if he were waging a war with himself.

“If we don’t survive this night, I will die unafraid, Kaz. Can you say the same?”

His eyes were nearly black, the pupils dilated. She could see it took every last bit of his terrible will for him to remain still beneath her touch. And yet, he did not pull away. She knew it was the best he could offer. It was not enough.”

NO I LOVE THEM TOO! KAZ1!!! DO SOMETHING!!! BUT ALSO FUCKEN GOOD FOR YOU INEJ YOU FUCKEN KNOW WHAT YOU DESERVE AND IF HE AINT GIVING 100 U DONT WANT IT I LOVE HER TOO

Inej turned to go. Kaz seized her hand, keeping it on the railing. He didn’t look at her. “Stay,” he said, his voice rough stone. “Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me.”

She looked down at his gloved hand clutching hers. Everything in her wanted to say yes, but she would not settle for so little, not after all she’d been through. “What would be the point?”

He took a breath. “I want you to stay. I want you to...I want you.”

“You want me.” She turned the words over. Gently, she squeezed his hand. “And how will you have me, Kaz?”

He looked at her then, eyes fierce, mouth set. It was the face he wore when he was fighting.

“How will you have me?” she repeated. “Fully clothed, gloves on, your head turned away so our lips can never touch?”

He released her hand, his shoulders bunching, his gaze angry and ashamed as he turned his face to the sea.

Maybe it was because his back was to her that she could finally speak the words. “I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.”

Speak, she begged silently. Give me a reason to stay. For all his selfishness and cruelty, Kaz was still the boy who had saved her. She wanted to believe he was worth saving, too.

ITERATE AGAIN, INEJ DONT WANT 90 PERCENT OR 99 PERCENT SHE WANTS 100 OR NOTHING WOW. i mean my shipping heart says NOOO buT shes right. kaz gotta figure out his shit and then share that vulnerability w her and maybe they can be truly together. UGH BUT THIS SCENE my god

Van Eck taunting Wylan and shitting on him for not being able to read was disgusting and i will fight him. I WILL PROTECT WYLAN WITH MY HEART! HES TRYING HIS BEST AND WORKING WITH WHAT HES GOT AND HE SAVED THEM ALL SO MANY TIMES. GET THIS PEDO OUT OF HERE FUCK THIS GUY

“That’s why you disappeared during the journey,” said Jesper. “You weren’t helping Matthais care for Nina. You were hiding.”

“I didn’t hide.”

“You...how many times was it you standing beside me on the deck at night when I thought it was Kuwei?”

“Every time.”

pekka rolllins. wow. what a man. i expect great things to happen between kaz and him. i truly did think kaz killed him back in the ice court lol but im glad he saw the grand plan and waited it out. hes a man of patience. i can respect that.

[joannie95]

Legacy - Part 38

Pairing: Carter!reader x ?????

Summary:  Everyone knows Peggy Carter is a force to be reckoned with, who could have guessed her granddaughter would hold the same ferocity, if not more.This story follows y/n Carter’s life as she faces the obstacles life pitches her.

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: Swearing, mentioned death and Alzheimer. I have done as much research as I can on Alzheimer so I apologize if the information is incorrect 

A/N: Thank you to @mo320  for proofreading and helping with the ideas for this chapter and @welldonebeca for reviewing the story, thank you to @writeyourmindaway for making these awesome text dividers im so excited to use them all

A/N: I know Steve and Peggy first meeting isn't until winter soldier but I decided to push it up to match the story

A/N accidentally posted this as part 36 instead of 38. sorry for the confusion

A week has passed since the attack in New York. You were able to fly your grandma back once you knew it was safe and you started to plan Phil's funeral. It took a lot out of you both physically and emotionally, when the day of the funeral finally arrived you woke up feeling numb to the world. When you lost Craig you went through so many emotions but now after losing Phil you didn't know how to feel. You just knew a part of you was missing. You and your grandma got ready for the long day ahead of you, you planned to meet up with the few people who were closest to Phil at the cemetery. In all, it was you, your grandmother, Darcy, Clint, Natasha, Maria, and Nick. You all walked to his gravesite together and planned to say your goodbyes. One by one, everyone spoke up and told stories about Phil: their first encounters together, their best memories, and how he made them a better person. When it was finally your turn, you had thought about what you wanted to say and what you wanted your last words to him to be, but decided it would be best to just say what Phil meant to you. 

"For as long as I can remember Phil Coulson has been my rock. He has always been there for me, to support me even with my most idiotic ideas. He wasn't afraid to tell me when I was being an idiot, but he was always one of the first to defend me when I was being told the same by someone else. He wasn't afraid to put his job on the line if it meant standing up for me and my insane ideas. I'm so grateful-." You stopped for a second when you felt tears running down your face but decided to continue. "I'm so grateful that I was able to have someone as amazing as him in my life but I'm even more grateful that he was like a father to me and that he saw me as his daughter." You looked down as his casket was being lowered. "I'll always love you dad." 

His casket was buried and you all said your final goodbye before parting ways,  leaving you to glance back at his gravestone with a sad smile on your face and fresh tears on your cheeks. Here lies Philip J. Coulson July 8, 1964 - May 4, 2012, The man with the plan. Beloved son, friend, and father.

In the past year, you'd noticed your grandmother's mental and physical health deteriorating. While living together in London you were able to help her 24/7 but now that you were back in New York working at S.H.I.E.L.D that was no longer the case. After discussing it in length you both came to the agreement to move her into a retirement home. It wasn't the easiest decision, you felt ashamed that you couldn't care for her, but she reassured you that she understood.

You finished unpacking the last of her items into her new room when you decided to sit and talk for a while. 

"So talk to me dear, how are you feeling?"

"I'm okay I guess. Everything is finally starting to hit me. Phil's gone, Tony and I are surprisingly in a better place and Steve Rogers is back which is absolutely insane by the way." You placed a hand on top of hers. "He's really nice, all the stories are nothing compared to the real thing."

She smiled and noticed a slight twinkle in your eye, one she hadn't seen since you spoke about Craig. "I'm glad you like him, knowing him made me a better person and I hope he does the same for you." 

"I’m sure he'd love to be able to talk to you, I can ask him if you'd like."

"No that's alright dear, things are probably a little difficult for him at the moment. I'll give him some time and whenever he's ready to talk I'll be here." 

A few weeks went by and everything seemed to go back to as normal as it could. You were working in your lab trying to modify one of Natasha's weapons when your AI notified you that someone was arriving. "Miss Carter, you have a visitor."

"Thank you Albert, let them in please." 

You looked and saw Steve walking through the door. "Oh, H-hi." You internally scold yourself when you hear the nerves in your voice.

"Hi." He looked at you sheepishly when he noticed the items on your table. "I'm sorry I hope I'm not interrupting." 

You gave him a kind smile. 

"You're not, I just thought I'd modify some weapons for agent Romanoff. Is there something you needed?" You tried keeping your voice steady. 

"Yes. Actually, I was hoping I could meet up with Peggy soon. I think I'm ready to see her again if that's alright with you." 

He seemed nervous asking, almost as if there was a chance you'd say no. 

"Of course that's alright, she's really excited to see you." 

"Really?" 

"Absolutely, she wanted to reach out but she thought it'd be best to wait until you were ready. Does this weekend work for you?"

"Yes, absolutely. Thank you." He looked down at his feet before speaking up again. "I should get going then, I'll see you around."

You spoke up before he had a chance to leave. 

"Steve, you should know she's not really herself."

He looked at you and waited for you to continue. You wring your hands together. 

"She has Alzheimer’s. Some days, she has moments when she'll forget where she is or even what day it is. I just don't want you to worry if it happens while you're there."

"Oh." He lowers his head and looks worried. "Ok, thank you for telling me." 

You write something on a slip of paper and hand it to him. 

"This is her address, I'll be there this weekend, so feel free to come by when you're ready." You hand him the paper, your hands slightly touch and you look at each other. You quickly pull back and clear your throat.

He takes the paper and puts it in his pocket. "Alright, so I'll see you around." He walks to the door and looks back and smiles before he walks out.

You lay your head on your hands and let out an exasperated breath. "What are you doing?" 

The weekend came by quickly enough and you were waiting with your grandma for Steve to arrive. 

"Alright as soon as he gets here I'll head out and give you guys a couple of hours to catch up before coming back."

"Darling I've already told you, you don't have to leave. You can stay, it's alright."

"I know but I'd rather let you two be alone. There's probably a lot you two need to catch up on and I'll just be in the way." 

Before she could talk you out of it a nurse knocked on the door and entered the room. 

"I'm sorry to bother you both but there's someone at the front desk that's here to visit you." 

You thank the nurse as she leaves the room and you turn to your grandma. 

"That's him, I'll go get him." You walk up to the front desk and see Steve looking very nervous. "Hi, I'm glad you could make it. Are you alright?" 

He hesitated for a second. "I think so, just a little nervous." 

"That's alright but there's no need to worry, she's still the same person you remember." You gave him a reassuring smile. "Come on I'll show you to her room." You're about to open the door, you stop and turn to Steve. "Before we go in, if she does have any memory problems the best thing to do is just to go with it. Trust me I know instinct will tell you to correct her but it'll be better for her."

He swallows hard and nods. "Alright."

You quickly change your demeanor from serious to slightly more cheery. "Grandma you have a visitor." You walk in and see her lying in bed looking out her window. She turns and looks at you both with a smile on her face. You walk up to her tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and kiss her cheek. "I'll head out now, call me if you need anything." You say goodbye to Steve and walk out.

Steve's pov 

I couldn't help but stare as she walked out of the room. I turned back and saw Peggy in front of me. I never imagined I would see her again, it almost feels like a dream and as soon as I wake up she'll be gone.

"Are you going to stand there all day?" 

I chuckled and sat down in a chair next to her bed. 

"This doesn't seem real. I'm still trying to convince myself it is." 

She grabbed ahold of my hand, looked into my eyes, and gave me a caring smile. "It is real. I've missed you so much Steve."

"I've missed you too Peggy. I'm sorry I didn't come by sooner, I guess I just needed to come to terms with everything." I look down, I feel ashamed for not coming by sooner.

"Please don't apologize, I can't imagine how you must have felt. Waking up and everything you've known is gone. You're allowed to process things in your own time." She places her hand on my cheek.

I try to change the subject before becoming too emotional. I look towards the pictures at her bedside. "You have a beautiful family Peggy." I grab a picture of Peggy with a man who I assume is her husband and a young boy who must be her son. 

She looks at him with a sad smile on her face. "Yes, I miss them dearly." 

I look up quickly. "I didn't know, I'm sorry I-." 

"It's quite alright Steve."

I set the picture down and look at one next to it. She answered my question before I even had a chance to ask.

"That's Y/N and her parents, I believe it was taken a few months before they passed." 

"What happened to them."

"That's not something I can tell you. Maybe one day you can ask Y/N and she'll be able to." 

I look at the last picture, it's one of Peggy and Y/N. They both look so happy. "She looks just like you." 

"The resemblance is uncanny isn't it. We've almost been inseparable ever since she was a baby." She looks so proud talking about her, like a parent bragging about their child's achievements. "After her parents passed we became closer than ever, we took care of each other. I saw myself in her more and more each day." She stops for a second. "I hope you know she is her own person though, she may have gotten my features and mannerisms but she's not me." 

I'm getting confused as to why she would say that. "I don't understand." 

She chuckles. "I'm no fool Steve, I saw the way you looked at her before she left. I understand that it could be easier for you to view her as something to help you hold on to the past but she isn't me. Maybe you could get to know her and understand she's her own person. You two have more in common than you think." She grabs his hand and looks into his eyes. "I want you to know that it's okay to move on. I had a wonderful life and I want the same for you." 

I look at the floor and smile. "Thank you. You should be proud of yourself Peggy."

"Mm. I have lived a life. My only regret is that you didn't get to live yours."

My smile falls. Even after all these years she cares about my life and happiness. 

"What is it?"

"For as long as I can remember I just wanted to do what was right. I guess I'm not quite sure what that is anymore. And I thought I could throw myself back in and follow orders, serve. It's just not the same."

She chuckles. "You're always so dramatic. Look, you saved the world. We rather...mucked it up."

"You didn't. Knowing that you helped found SHIELD is half the reason I'm choosing to stay."

She strokes my hand to get my attention. "Hey. The world has changed and none of us can go back. All we can do is our best, and sometimes the best that we can do is to start over." She starts to cough and tries to catch her breath.

I turn to get her some water, when I turn back she has a confused look on her face. 

"Peggy."

She suddenly looks at me like she's seeing me for the first time.

"Steve?"

"Yeah."

"You're alive! You...you came, you came back."

This must be what Y/N meant. Now all I can do is go along with it. "Yeah, Peggy." 

She starts to cry. "It's been so long. So long."

"Well, I couldn't leave my best girl. Not when she owes me a dance." I turned when I heard a knock on the door.

"Steve you can't be here if my landlady sees you she'll kick me out." She started to panic when she saw the door open.

Y/Ns pov

I was about to knock when I overheard the conversation coming from inside.

"You're alive! You...you came, you came back."

"Yeah, Peggy." 

"It's been so long. So long."

I tried to take a second to compose myself. As soon as I walk in there she won't recognize me, it's going to hurt but I need to go with it. I take a deep breath, knock on the door and walk-in. "Peg you know he can't be here. If Miriam sees him she'll kick you out just like she did with Molly for sneaking in her boyfriend." You close the door behind him and walk towards them. "Miriam is doing her rounds so he needs to go now. I'll go distract her, you two say goodbye then go." You look towards Steve and hope he understands what you're doing.

"Of course, thank you miss I really appreciate it." 

You smile at them and quickly walkout. Once you're in the hallway you notify a nurse of your grandmother's mental state at the moment. You wait for Steve and will yourself not to break down until you're home.

Legacy Tags:

@agentmarvel13​ @1v-kayla​ @5sos-wdw​ @a-dancing-hufflepuff @agent-barnes40​ @agreatcheesecakestudentstuff​ @annoylinglyaries @antclottz​ @avngrsinitiative​ @bradfordsgreekgod​ @babypink224221​ @captainam-erika-trash​ @carisi-sonny​​ @caseymcflurry​​ @chook007​​ @cosmiccomicloverqueen​​ @daniellajocelyn​​ @doctoranon​​ @ecamille-xo​​ @editsbyjenny @ellieababy​​ @eternaleviee @futuremissstark @geeksareunique​​ @gummiwormsandonedirection​​ @henrietteoaks​​ @hermionie-is-my-queen​​ @imahoeforbucky​​ @ineedmorefanfics​​ @isabella-bby​​ @jaemingold​​ @jamessbarnnes @junitorials13​​ @katykyll​​ @keenmarvellover​​ @klanceiscannon14​​ @lady-sigyn​​ @littlephoenix-fire​​ @lovemarvelousfics​​ @l0kisbitch​​ @luckyfiction17​​ @ludwigvonbaethoven @maddie-laufeyson​​ @magnificentsoulecollector​​ @mikariell95​​ @mistressoftorture​​  @moli1497 @nanajaeminniee @orderoftheflamingflamingos​​ @oxodianaoxo​​ @paintballkid711​​ @pastelpurplexoox​​ @peteyparkersbabyy @princessizzy36​​ @shallowshawn @sillydecoy @spodermanpete​​ @starstruckgardenstudentzonk​​ @stuckyandsciencebros @superhero2552​​ @thatharrypotterfan13 @thatweirdchick147​​ @the-ducks-umbrella​​ @tienna-laufeyson16 @trustme3-13​​ @wishiwasanavenger​​ @xalinx​​ @yougottalovefandoms​​ @zaza-jones​​ @izzyisavengersupernaturaltrash​​

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 48

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42 || CHAPTER 43 || CHAPTER 44 || CHAPTER 45 || CHAPTER 46 || CHAPTER 47

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- note for this chapter: i know my last chapter didnt get many notes but the chapter is ready so why not post it you know? sex is vanilla again. thought it was cute. sue me lol. theyll have kinker sex dont worry hahaha! i would LOVE to know what you think of the characters and their reactions and stuff. so please, message me!

here are the requests for this chapter! for the instagram one, i changed it a bit because i dont think her character would want to be in the spotlight like that i hope its ok! also i had already talked about their first time and such so I added the others :)

Chapter 48 : His chapter

NIALL

"Oh my god! Look at you flirting with that woman like she's not 30 years older than you!"

I started laughing and let my head fall back slightly. My arm was on the couch's back right behind her head and I brought it closer, pulling her to me by her neck.

"Is that the tone you use when you're jealous?"

I noticed her nose raise up in a grimace but she kept staring at the tv, making me laugh even more. For some reason, Olivia wanted us to watch old One Direction interviews, pretending it would help me for the ones I had planned in the next few weeks. It didn't really help, all it did was make us laugh and I had to admit it was quite entertaining and I was pretty sure I had never watched most of them.

"It was tough watching interviews back then." she admitted, raising a shoulder. "Especially the older ones. You were such a horny kid."

I frowned slightly at her comment. I could hear a lot of pain but also a bit of blame and it bothered me. I was young, I was newly famous and not shy at all. Of course, I was a bit stupid and I tried to be funny but out of all the people in the world, I thought she'd be the last one to comment on it.

"I just enjoyed flirting." I let out, shrugging too. "I don't do that anymore."

It took her a few seconds but she turned my way, staring at my profile.

"How many times did it work?"

I frowned, still looking the old 60 minutes interview we did a few years ago playing on screen. Did I really want to have this discussion?

"What are you asking?"

I held my breath and turned to her, noticing how painful it was for her to ask me something like that. I felt my annoyance falter a bit but not leave completely.

"How many girls did you have sex with?"

We had never talked about that before. I thought about asking, especially when we started dating, but I was scared it would start shit between us. When I was younger, I didn't mention my stories mostly because I didn't want to hear hers. Now that I think about it, it was probably out of jealousy, too.

"Liv, please-"

"More than 10?"

I stared at her a few seconds and nodded a bit. I watched her lick her lips and breathe in and nervously, I felt my fingers play with the fabric of the couch. I hated this, it could only turn wrong.

"More than 20?"

I could feel myself getting angry and I closed my eyes, trying to calm down. I didn't know why I was so touchy, it was not in my nature, but perhaps the way she asked me didn't help. It was not just a casual conversation, there was clearly a reason why she asked and I suddenly regretted that we never talked about these things before.

"20 sounds about right." I just said, impatient to talk about something else.

"That's more than twice my number."

We remained silent for a few seconds and I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Am I supposed to answer something to that?" I just wondered a bit rudly. "I don't know what you expected Olivia, but clearly you're delusional. I've had a lot of opportunities it's true, and no of course I didn't jump on all of them, but you don't ask an 18 year old boy to be reasonable after being thrown into fame. I don't think you can really understand what it's like."

I shook my head and sighed louder than needed before getting up a bit roughly. I felt her fingers wrap about my wrist and stopped immediately.

"I'm sorry."

I stayed motionless, standing up with my eyes closed as her fingers pressed around my wrist more.

"I'm just scared. And insecure." she added low as i felt her fingers slip and free my hand. "I don't understand why you're dating me, Niall. You could date so many girls or just fool around with anyone you want. But you're here with me and it just makes no fucking sense to me. So when I see how things used to be for you, it scares me for the future and at the same time, it reminds me how much I cried during those years."

I sighed and slowly sat back down next to her, still not being able to look at her.

"Why did you propose we watch that then?"

From the corner of my eyes, I noticed her looking down and swallowing. I couldn't pretend I knew how she felt, not now and not back then, but I was dating her now, I had been dating her for over 9 months. The fact that she was still doubting me... doubting us, was tough to accept.

"I thought i'd be okay, I thought since you were next to me, holding my hand, that it wouldn't bother me." she explained in a low and ashamed tone. "I was wrong."

I sighed again and rubbed my eyes before getting up again. Her head shot up quickly but I just held my hand out to her. It took her a few seconds but slowly, she slid her palm against mine and I pulled on her hand, helping her get up.

"Let's go outside, okay?"

She didn't say anything, she just let me bring her outside, in the backyard. I took my socks off after letting go of her hands and sat on the side of the pool, putting my feet in the water and waited for her. It took her a few minutes but I still didn't turn to her. The night was calm and warm enough, especially for late september, and I looked down at her feet moving slowly in the water.

"At the lodge, I saw you and Harry making out naked on the side of the pool. It made me very jealous, even if I didn't really realize it back then. Not really because you two were having sex, but mostly because he had your full attention, and I was so used to have it all for myself that losing it was like a slap in the face." I admitted, licking my lips. "I'm not saying I know how you feel, Liv, or how you used to feel. I just think that holding on to that is changing you and stressing you for no reason."

"Maybe."

She didn't comment on the part about Harry and I closed my eyes.

"The first date I ever went on was with a girl from school." I added low.

"Grace, I remember."

"The whole time, all I could think about was kissing her. I didn't care about anything else. I was young, I can't even remember if I liked her, but I wanted my real first kiss and it's all that mattered." I made a pause and sighed. "Then I had girlfriends when I was a bit older, and then I joined One Direction and met other girls. And whenever I hung out with them, I was never jealous, I thought 'hey if it doesn't work then it wasn't meant to be' and that's it. I didn't expect it to last because I didn't want it to last. I had nothing to lose. I thought about sex and having fun."

I turned to her and sighed louder when I noticed tears falling down her cheeks. I moved my body her way slightly and shook my head.

"Olivia, why are you crying? I'm trying to tell you that it's different with you. I care about you. And the first thing I thought of when it came to you was not sex, it was not kissing you. It was making you happy, it was how good I felt around you. Why would you cry for that?"

"Because you seem to forget that I was there, Niall. I saw you with these girls. I cried myself to sleep because I desperately wanted to be in their shoes. My first kiss was with a guy at school who was harassing me to go out with him and when he kissed me, all I thought about was you. The first time I had sex with Rian I wished it was you. Every single decision in my love life seems to have been related to you. I'm not blaming you, it's all on me, but its still not easy for me."

My eyes roamed on her face and I watched her wipe her tears and sniff a few times before clearing her throat.

"We both need to make efforts. You can't spend all your time asking questions about my past that's gonna hurt you, you know."

"I'll work on that." she whispered. "But you're gonna have to be patient with me."

"Okay."

We remained quiet again for a while, just looking at the lights of the pool shining on the water. I knew I should reach for her hand but I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"Remember the first time we got drunk together?" she asked with a chuckle, moving her feet a bit more vigorously and making the water move around her. "You were so cute, and so damn tactile. At some point I was so close to tell you that I loved you that I got scared and hid in the bathroom for half an hour."

I smiled at the memory and chuckled.

"You were so dramatic and I didn't even know!" I let out, making her laugh too. "I don't know how you kept it inside for so long."

"Fear of losing you." she shrugged. "I just looked at you, both of us totally pissed, and I thought 'everyone wants a piece of him but he's with you right now, don't ruin this Olivia'."

"You were cute, you had that really high ponytail. I remember because whenever you'd turn around, your hair would brush against my arm and I was so drunk it made me shiver every time."

My eyes found hers and she was not smiling anymore. Her lips were parted and her eyes were glued to me. I raised my eyebrows and moved my face closer to hers.

"Yes, I remember things. Not the same things you remember, and maybe not for the same reasons, but I do remember things."

Slowly, she pressed her lips together and they curled as she kept looking at me.

"I love you, Niall."

I moved my upper body over hers, forcing her to move down on the hard cement but she didn't complain. I placed both my hands on each side of her chest to hold myself over her and bent down to kiss her.

"I love you too." i answered, moving up to a bit to look at her.

Her eyes traveled on my face until my lips and she licked hers.

"You said you'd make love to me whenever I'd want." she whispered so low i barely heard. "I really want it now."

"It's not really comfortable." I pointed out, the right corner of my lips moving up.

"Then you're gonna have to be extra gentle with me."

I nodded and sat up, immediately reaching for the hem of her sweatpants and she moved her butt up to help me. She brought her feet off the water and placed them on the ground, her knees up, and my eyes roamed between her legs as I let out a low groan. I took my shirt off and didn't even react when it fell in the pool. It made Olivia chuckle and I just moved gently over her, placing myself between her legs.

One of her hands ran on my chest as I pressed myself against her. I felt her grind up slowly against me and bent down to kiss her. I could feel myself get harder with every move of her hips, even if she was barely moving and I let my lips brush on her jaw and down her neck.

"You should keep your shirt on, I don't want your back all scratched."

I brought my mouth back on hers and I noticed her lips curling in a fond but amused smile.

"You don't want to see me completely naked?"

"Don't be silly." I chuckled again, glancing down and noticing her hard nipples through the fabric of her shirt. "I really fucking do. But you don't need to be naked to turn me on."

She smiled more and I moved down on my elbows, moving her head up gently and placing my hands under it to make sure her head wouldn't rub against the cement.

"Are you sure you want to try it here?"

She didn't say anything, she just kept looking at me as her hands moved between us. One of her palms pressed on my cock and I groaned low. She started nibbling on her bottom lip, slowly pulling my pants down and I pushed myself into her. I was surprised at how wet she already was and how easy it was for us to do this, like our bodies just seemed to fit perfectly together.

"I love you."

I bent down again, kissing her as I started thrusting in and out of her so slowly that I could feel everything incredibly well. So well that it brought sensations in me that I hadn't felt before. I felt impatient and my whole body throbbed even more than usual. It was definitely different than what I was used to but I loved it. I could really see all of her facial expressions and ended up letting out a very low curse word when her lips parted and her eyes fluttered close. I watched her as she moved her chin up and I could feel the back of her head rubbing slowly against the palm of my hands, making a mess of her hair. She looked amazing, all fucked beneath me, and it made me realize how much I loved her.

"I love you too." I whispered back. "So much."

"Just me?"

My movements faltered and her eyes opened slowly. I stared at my best friend, laying under me, and I thought of all the things we went through together and all the things we'll go through together too. I thought about our friendship that turned into love, I thought about us when we were young, I thought about everything I missed with her and everything I lived with her, and I could swear I felt my heart skip a beat.

"Yes, only you."

Her hands traveled on my back until my ass and she let out a short whimper as her thighs pressed on my side to keep me close. I could feel my elbows and the back of my hands hurt from rubbing slightly on the cement but it was really the sharp pain in one of my knees that made it worse. I tried to push it out of my thoughts to focus on her and when she arched her back and started shaking, I knew she was cumming.

"Oh god Niall... I.. I'm..."

I tried to keep my movements slow and steady but it was pure torture until I felt an orgasm reach me. I felt it coming and held my breath as my eyes closed and I groaned again as it spread inside me slower than normally. I could feel it until the tip of my fingers and in my toes and when I came down from my high, I blinked a few times.

"I'm literally seeing spots." I let out with a short laugh.

"Me too." she chuckled just as my sight was getting clear again.

I looked at her laying under me and sighed. Now that it was over, I was more aware of the pain and I grimaced. I let myself roll on my back next to her and she moved her upper body over me with a frown.

"You okay? You're not bleeding are you?"

I brought my hands up to look at them and shook my head.

"I'm sorry." she added, raising her nose up. "We should have tried on the grass. Do you need ice or something?"

"And pizza." I pointed out with an exaggerated pain expression, making her laugh.

"Alright i'll bring all that in the living room."

She was about to get up but I put my hand on her thigh to stop her, my fingers brushing gently on her skin.

"Wait." She stopped and turned to me. "These girls, they mean nothing. You need to trust me."

She sent me a sad smile and shrugged a shoulder very slowly. I was tired to fight and I was scared it would ruin things between us.

"I'll try."

                                                         ---

I was driving the first time I heard 'This Town' on the radio and she was sitting next to me. I didn't know why but I felt incredibly lucky that I was not alone, and even luckier that she was the one with me. Her face illuminated and she let out a short scream, making me smile even more. I parked on the side of the road and she threw herself in my arms awkwardly since we both still had our seat belts on and we looked at each other the whole time it played until the very end.

"This is so fucking good Niall i'm so proud of you!"

I cupped her face and brought her closer a bit roughly, crashing my mouth against her and making her laugh. She grabbed the front of my shirt and deepened the kiss slightly, making me smile through it.

"Fucking hell."

She laughed as we pulled away slightly and smiled more.

"It's a big deal. Your first solo song." she whispered. "And you worked hard for that."

We remained in the car for a while, just flabbergasted by what had happened and a bit ecstatic. I looked at her reacting almost as intensely as me and it made me realize so many things that I just leaned against my seat and sighed. Despite all the fights we had, despite my almost total absence in the past few weeks, despite the fact that we had it hard recently, she was there, she supported me, and she was happy for me.

"A few drinks tonight to celebrate, how's that?" she proposed as I started the car again. "We could invite a few friends?"

"Yea, yea good call!" I let out, glancing at her. "Hey take my phone and go on instagram!"

She frowned a bit but she was still smiling and she did what I was told before looking at me again.

"You want to add something to your story?"she asked as I nodded. "Okay, go ahead!"

"Hello lovers, so we just heard 'This Town' for the first time on the radio a few minutes ago and we went completely crazy!" I just said with a laugh, trying to focus on the road as I passed one of my hands in my hair and shook my head. "Let me just get back home and I'll do a live and answer a few questions!"

She stopped filming and played with my phone for a few seconds before looking at me again.

"That's a very good idea."

With a smile plastered on my face, I parked the car and unlocked the front door before quickly getting my laptop. She put her purse on the couch and I sat next to it right before she disappeared in the kitchen. It took me a few minutes to go live but when I finally was, my smile hadn't faltered not even for a second. I started answering questions, glancing from time to time at Olivia that remained away from the camera. I knew she didn't like to be in the spotlight and that a lot of times, I brought attention to her without meaning to, but the fact that she was still there, in the shadows, to support me, meant the world.

"I was with Liv, it's her you heard on the video." I explained, answering an other question.

I saw my girlfriend grimace when she realized everyone had heard her voice and her probably her laughter when we recorded the small video in the car and my eyes found her again, her expression making me chuckle.

"From the face she's making now, it was clearly not intentional." I pointed out, laughing again.

My eyes caught a comment that made me frown but I tried to ignore it until I saw an other one and I finally closed my eyes, breathing in.

"Okay, i'm normally not the type to give attention to bad mouthing but we're trying to have a nice time and reading shit about my girlfriend is no fun."

I could feel Olivia tense near me as my eyes roamed on the comments.

'No Niall pls stay!!!'

'Ignore them we love her! OTP!'

'Fuck whoever talks shit about her'

'They don't deserve your attention!'

I didn't add anything else but kept on answering questions about an upcoming album, more songs, the process of writing and tour. After over half an hour, I said goodbye and turned my computer off. Olivia had left and I joined her in the kitchen, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind. My lips reached her neck and I squeezed her tighter against me.

"Hey, darling." I whispered. I heard her sniff and my heart twitched. "It wasn't that mean. I promise."

I watched her fingers grip the side of the sink more and suddenly felt extremely bad. I shouldn't have commented, that way, she wouldn't know about the mean comments, but when I saw them, I didn't think, I just reacted. It was not like me but reading shit about her made me a bit impulsive and now I regretted it.

"That's what I mean when I say I don't understand why you're dating me." she murmured after swallowing hard. "No one understands why you're dating me."

"People who know nothing about you or our story don't get it, so what?" I just replied, nuzzling her nape. "Fuck them. I know why i'm dating you and i've got a shitton of good reasons."

"Don't tell me you don't doubt us, sometimes, Niall." she shook her head. "Don't tell me it never crosses you mind that you should be dating someone who's in your league. A tall, skinny, gorgeous actress, model, singer... I don't know."

She moved away from me and turned around, her back still facing me. I let my arms fall on each side of my body and sighed a bit loud before rubbing my eyes. I was trying to comfort her but it seemed like nothing i'd do would change anything.

"I'm telling you it's you, okay? I love you!" I argued, getting annoyed again. "I don't get how it's so hard to understand!"

She finally turned to me slowly and I felt a pain at heart when I saw the tears on her red cheeks. I didn't know why it was affecting her that much and I felt like i'd never understand.

"Love is not everything. Contrary to popular belief, love is not all you need." she pointed out, her arms crossed on her chest. She shook her head again and licked her lips as I stayed still, holding my breath. "I don't get why you don't understand how I feel, and I can't seem to explain it. It's useless, Niall. I'm useless."

Without waiting for an answer, she turned around and walked in the hall. I closed my eyes, trying to calm the beating of my heart. I should have ran to her and took her in my arms. I should have tried again to tell her how much she meant to me. I should have begged her to believe me and trust me. Instead, I sat on a chair and sighed loud. I felt defeated and exhausted at the same time. I just wanted us to be happy like we used to be but I didn't know how.

After a good twenty minutes of thinking, I got up and walked to our room, opening the door slowly. She was laying in bed, on her side with her knees up. I took a few steps closer only to realize she was asleep. I put my hands deep in my pockets and stared at her for a few seconds. Her lips were slightly parted and I could hear her breathe a bit louder than usual. I sighed again and found a blanket before putting it over her and bending down.

"You're so much more than you seem to believe." I murmured close to her ear. "I wish I knew how to show you. Maybe i'm the useless one."

[chemicallydamaged]

Recovery: The Stigma Of Struggle 2/2 (TW)

Please do not read further If you are easily disturbed or affected by mentions of self harm, weight gain, or suicidal behaviors. I wrote this to help someone feel less alone and share my experience- not to potentially trigger someone. Please be safe.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I told my parents about my several-year long addiction to self harm, despite starting at the age of seven. I've never once been to a therapist, counselor, psychologist, or a psychiatrist. I mainly have scars on my thighs, but I also have them on my waist, face, feet, hands, hips, and so on. I have used needles, glass, push pins, scissors, exacto-blades, knives, razors, and whatever else I could get my hands on. It became an addiction before I even knew what and addiction was.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(This is an unprofessional, messy rough draft that I wanted to post so you know i'm not dead. I may edit this sometime in the future and delete this lil message thingy.)

Suddenly, you become a liar- that's how these things go on for so long, that's how this cycle eats you alive; “I hate getting wet”, “I just get cold easily”, “The cat scratched me”, and so on. You do anything to protect this secret, this horrible fucking brain eating, exhausting secret- while also hoping someone would ask how you are, maybe ask what's going on, and yet you still lie to them. Help doesn't feel for you- help doesn't always feel like an option. 

I always felt like everytime I cut, it was like shutting my thoughts up for a few seconds. I had so much swarming in my head, so many negative, screaming thoughts eating away at my brain, that I would do anything to relieve the tension. Everything irritated me. So when I got home, and all these memories of screaming parents and asshole students and shitty teachers screamed in my thoughts, I couldn't take it. For me, I convinced myself of two options; self harm, or ending my life.

June, maybe July of 2020. I haven't gone outside for a very long time, using covid fear as an excuse. I would be in such deep wallows of depression I could barely move; at that point I had gained so much weight I was scared of taking showers. I was scared of going outside. I was scared of eating. I used a group chat in one of my friend’s servers to get me through it, at least so I could socialize in one way or another. I wanted to get better, yet I was too exhausted to take the steps of recovery. I had tried to quit a few times at that point, only to fall back in. I would be taking a plane ride to see family (safely) and I was so fucking scared. It would be incredibly hot over there, I couldn't wear shorts, I was depressed, I had low-self esteem, and now I had to socialize with family I hadn't seen in several years. I was convinced they would be disappointed in me, I really didn't want them to be ashamed. 

When I finally got there, everything had changed. They looked so different- my little cousin, who I remembered as a toddler, was now a kid. My aunts were more stressed out than I had ever noticed before. Some pets had passed away, and the area of town had become pretty run-down. I had always wanted a little sister, and felt like I missed out on a lot of those years- so I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. She was so happy and so energetic, I was so surprised to see that she was excited to meet me. She didn't care about how I looked or how awkward I was, she just wanted to do art and make mudpies and jump on a trampoline, like a kid. I missed out on water balloons, refusing to wear shorts, which upset everyone because I wouldn't be able to play. I took that time to lock myself in a bedroom and cry. When I thought of her ever doing what I was doing to myself, I broke down completely. I would have been self harming for a year by her age. I missed out on so much. To think that she could ever go through that terrifies me and shakes me to my core. She is like a little sister i've never had. I thought of my brother and how he would be upset, so see his actual little sister go through this the whole time. This is still hard to think about. This was my first kick in the ass to recovery. I was going to commit.

I came home in a lot of pain. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I kept impulsively grabbing objects, picking at my skin, biting my nails, and going fucking crazy. I was so close, so many times. I can barely express the amount of stress I was in, not being able to use what I believed to be my only coping mechanism ever since I can remember, knowing for sure I absolutely could not and would not do it. I had to fight with my brain 24/7 just to stay afloat, to have self-control.

Fast forward 4-ish months and I was finally about to tell my mom, but at the wrong time. The closest self harming behavior I had was skin scratching, but that was better than cutting. We had gone to the store to pick out some clothes and I was really excited about it; however, the closer we go to the changing room the harder my heart throbbed out of my chest. If she went in with me, she would see all the scars. We had gotten to the changing room, and she went in with me. I froze up, in cold sweat, and couldn't do or say anything. Just as she said “Oh woops do you not want me in th-” I broke down. In a grocery store changing room. For everyone to hear. She sat me down and comforted me, like a cool mom. I was  surprised, I thought she would be embarrassed. I told her about everything. She supported me. I couldn't stop shaking, unsure of weather to be sad or happy. I finally said something. I was relieved. I finally did it.

My dad was less accepting after my mom told him first. Because he doesn't believe in “organized help” and instead believes you have to “get through anything on your own, because that's what I DO” It was probably a bit of a struggle for my mom to talk to him. He avoided me for a few days, until he was ready. When I had finally told him, it turned out to be ok. He wasn't happy with me but he wasn't pissed either so that's a positive. My brother had a similar reaction. A lot of friends didn't care. But some still did, and I'd rather have a few real friends than a lot of fake ones. Sounds like a bunch of hippie dippie Karen bullshit but I genuinely feel way more positive about this then when I first told my parents. I hope to get mental health help soon, although there are so many people trying to get it that its difficult to find a good therapist thats available (Thx c0v1d, u sur3 r g8 0n m3ntal h3alth <3). For now, i'm just doing the best I can- im still going to struggle, but that's part of life. Im happy with that. 

This is only my side of the story.

Yours doesn't always have to be the recovery, but it can be the ask for help.

(2/2) 

Hope your doing well, wherever you are.

[ackermans-freedom-inc]

I just need to vent to someone and I'm too ashamed to let my friends or family know, but I just found out I have a D in one of my classes and I'm crushed! I thought I was doing well! I've been doing all of the assignments so I don't understand why I have a bad grade. I've emailed my teacher but it's 4 am. I'm just really upset and needed to tell someone. Hope you don't mind.

OK ANON I AM SORRY! I wanted to reply tmr so your post isnt lost in the thirsty Thursday stuff but the more I sat on your ask the more I felt I had to answer it ASAP. 

SO I think its like 1000% correct that you’re reaching out to your teacher! I was a TA once (Teaching assistant) where I had to mark exams and papers, and one of my students emailed me at the end of the term asking wtf happened bc they got a C. And I was like ??? bc I marked their stuff and they most definitely got an A. So she reached out to the professor and it turns out he input the wrong numbers! she got her A back. so fingers crossed that is why???? 

IF IT ISNT: my friend do not attach your worth or smartness (is this a word) or your ability to a grade. I am personally more of a visual learner, and I do better with certain teaching types than others. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT!!! If this course isnt the one for you, you probably kick major butt in another course! 

If you want to talk more about it (depending on whether the D was a. mistake of the prof or not) please feel free to reach out again as anon or not. I failed my calculus midterm in university and almost lost my scholarship. And then I got like 49% on my accounting midterm....but here I am, still made it into grad school without an issue. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not beat yourself up about grades! 

If you tried your hardest, maybe try to reach out to the teacher or Teaching Assistant if you have one to figure out where the gaps are? And if you didnt try your hardest, THATS OK TOO BC I DIDNT TRY FOR MATH AT ALL - but acknowledge the gap in study time and try to improve it if you can?? 

overall I feel you anon, I understand, in my own way how you feel. PLS feel free to reach out if you want to talk more!! and also im sorry if u just wanted to rant and didnt need a long-winded kinda advice type thing. 

[strongsassysexysloane]

You and Me

https://jpncis09.tumblr.com/post/190725282440/you-and-me please read this before continuing.. 

My muse is Jack Sloane and my crush. . . 

. . . 

You almost jumped out of your skin when theres a knock at the door and then Jack hangs up the phone. "It's unlocked." You shout.

"Youre as bad as Gibbs." She complains walking in and closing the door behind her.

"Hello to you too." You put a few fries in your mouth and fold you legs in front of you, leaning back into the couch. She sits down across from you in the arm chair.

"I don't care that youre bi, I'm bi." It took a few silent minutes of you refusing to talk for her to finally speak.

You nod, reaching for some more fries and putting them in your mouth. Not ready to give anything to her conversation just yet. That and you feel like youre about to cry from everything that has just happened in the past two hours. Why does everything have to happen at the wrong times.

"You gonna just eat or say something?" She seemed flustered. Fidgetting with her hands, kept crossing and uncrossing her legs. If this was any other scenario you'd find it quite funny and adorable. Ok, you do find it adorable.

"Eat. Because being Bi doesnt explain your behaviour." Your mouth twitches and you curse to yourself. Jack saw it and she knows the game you're playing or hiding from.

"Elsa guessed, didnt she." Jack leans forward and grabs a fry from your dinner and you raise a brow at her challenge. She knows your rules about not stealing your food. The first time she stole something from your plate during a lunch break you swatted her hand away with a squawk about 'Joey doesnt share food!' and she laughed. But you noticed the sneak attacks she made while she thought you werent looking and one day you just ended up ordering an extra side of fries and she laughed.

But the mention now of Elsa's name brings you back to the harsh reality at hand. Apparently that name now hurts to hear out loud, you feel guilty and in an unfamiliar territory. "Hey, you ok?" Jack moves to get up but you hold out your hand.

"Stay." Jack sits back down but with a very concerned look on her face. You've never said no to Jack's contact before. "Jack, why did you come tonight?"

"Because the team was going out for-"

"Don't." You know she's avoiding the question, trying to play it off. "I'm a psych major remember." She huffs out a laugh at that. You know all the tricks, espeically hers and that avoidence was just sad.  

"Because I needed to see you. Apologise. Clearly I hurt you." She waves to the tear rolling down your cheek. You quickly wipe it away.

"Yes you had a part in that but it's not what you think." You grab the burger and take a large bite out of it. Not ashamed of the way you eat in front of Jack. Hell, she's a more messy eater than you are. Plus your emotions are about to let loose and having a mouth full of food seemed like a good choice.

"Want to talk about it or eat it away?" She tries so hard to lift the mood and it almost works.

"Eat sounds good. Not sure I can talk right now." You swallow the last bit of burger and grab a few fries.

"I'll be here when you can." She gets up. "Sorry to ruin your night, I'll see you monday." She grabs her handbag and car keys.

"Why didn't you go to Gibbs place after the bar tonight?" You stop her in her tracks half way to the front door.

Jack turns. "Needed to see you." A sad smile on her face. She leans against the doorway facing you.

"Why?" You take another bite of your burger, keeping your eyes on her.

"Thought you didn't want to talk?" She pushes off the doorway and walks towards you, stopping short of the couch, still giving you space.

"I dont." You swallow. "Doesn't mean you can't." You munch on a few more fries.

"Think it's much of the same conversation." She shrugs. She's trying so hard to hold onto her resolve but you can see it cracking and you feel your walls starting to slip away.

"Jack I think Elsa broke up with me." Your wall crumbles and you burst into tears, you aren't sure where they come from, its mostly confusion youre feeling. You bury your face in your hands and don't see Jack scramble to your side but you feel her when her arms wrap around you and tug you close.

"I'm sorry, im so sorry." She buries her face in your hair and your gut churns. You shouldn't feel like this just after a break up but having Jack so close. It feels right and you think back to what Elsa said. The tears start to fade and you calm down your breathing down. "Was it because of me?" You can't speak, you don't want to talk about it, you aren't ready to admit about it because you don't know what it is. But your head betrays you and you nod. "Im sorry." You think you can hear Jack start to cry and you pull back to see tears run down her cheeks.

"Hey." God, seeing Jack cry breaks you. "None of that." You wipe her tears away and she smiles at you.

"You can cry but I cant?" She reaches up to wipe the stained tears on your cheeks.

"Seeing you cry, it hurts." You swallow, nervous. Feelings bubbling to the surface, feelings you were so unsure of. The moment you saw Jack on your first day at HQ you felt butterflies. Everytime she smiled and when she laughed, you couldn't help but smile. You'd never felt these feelings before for anyone. Mostly confused you moved these feelings aside to get on with your job and didn't let yourself think about it. Just enjoyed the friendship that started to form and then you found Elsa and the feelings were buried so deep that it wasn't until tonight that they reappeared. That and she clearly had a thing for Gibbs.

"Hurts me to see you cry and think I caused it." She disentangles herself from you, but you reach out just in time to catch her hand before she can get more space. Maybe Elsa was right and you hate yourself for it. For leading her on without knowing you were.

"Can't help who we fall for." You see shock cross Jack's face and you laugh. "Once Elsa pointed it out, the feelings I buried so deep resurfaced. Thought you were into Gibbs." She squeezes your hand.

"I mean. That ship sailed long ago. We are good friends now." Jack smiles, you can see a memory flash through her eyes.

"Is it over?" You tug at Jacks hand, pulling her back to the present. "I can't be in the middle, espeically if it invloves Gibbs."

Jack shifts, you are trying to read her but somethings changed. She drops your hand and you try to get it back but she leans forward and you suddenly realise what she's doing. She's above you, arms on either side of you, resting on the arm of the couch behind you.

"You sure?" You just nod and her lips meet yours.The world goes silent and all you can feel and hear is her. Jack has you on your back on the couch and she's above you, letting her body weight rest on you and you love it. Wrapping your arm around her waist, making sure she doesnt move and you moan into the kiss. The kiss turns into several and you can't get enough of each other.

You both have to catch your breath. Jack tries to crawl off you but your arms are locked around her waist.

"At least let me roll onto my side." She laughs and you loosen your grip so she can roll onto the couch beside you and youre so thankful for the width of the couch you bought. Perfect amount of room for the both of you but you still tug her close. "For a person who ju-"

You kiss her again, and stopping her from talking is now one of your favourite things. "Someone had eyes for someone else until they saw I had a -" You go quiet and move to sit up. All the emotions from tonight are getting too much. You were distracted by having her so close that you pushed everything out of your mind.

"I'm such a horrible person." Leaning your elbows on your knees and burying your face in your hands.

"Hey." Jack wriggles around on the couch so she can tug at your arm so you look down at her and seeing her face makes you smile, its just that simple. "She gave you an out. She saw it, you aren't cheating, we aren't going to do anything else tonight. If that makes you feel any better." Jack laughs softly.

"Slightly." You lean down and aim to kiss Jack on the forehead but get her lips instead and smile. "Cheeky."

"Always." Jack says against your lips and tangles her hand in your hair. "So much for discussing later." You both laugh at that.

"You bring it out of me. Move back." You nudge against her cheek and roll back down beside her on the couch. You nuzzle your face into the crook of Jack's neck and she wraps her arms around you, bringing you in close. You're surrounded by her and you take a deep breath.

"Thank you for talking to me. Sorry I -" She stops and you laugh into her neck. "Shut up." You kiss her neck and she hums.

"Think I found a spot." You put another open mouth kiss in the same spot and suck slightly.

"If you don't want to do anything further tonight, I suggest you stop that now." She tightens her hold of you and you leave another kiss there before turning and inhaling her hair.

"You smell so good." You mumble.

"So do you." Jack kisses the side of your head and you two settle into silence. It's not long before you feel Jack's hold of you loosen and you look up and see Jack's fallen asleep.

You wriggle slowly, not to wake her and move up the couch to get your head ontop of a pillow and pull Jack into your chest. She snuggles into your side but doesn't wake up. You think back over the night and how drastically its changed. You can't help but feel bad for Elsa but she gave you something so special, you just hope it doesn't fall to pieces. Thinking it might be a good idea to go see Elsa at work tomorrow instead of calling her. It's such a strange situation but then again nothing in your life has ever been simple or worked out the way you planned.

"Your heart is racing, hon. Just breath." Jack rises up and you look up at her. You smile at the nickname, so endearing, like you've been together for years not minutes.

"Sorry, but now that you're awake, let me get up and switch off the lights." Jack nods and rolls onto her side so you slip free and do what you said.

"No bed tonight?" Jack smirks are you slid back down onto the couch, tugging a blanket from the back of the couch and placing it over you both. You hold out your arm and she snuggles back into your chest and wrap your arm around her, running your fingers up and down her arm.

"You and my bed, now that's destined for many late night fantasies." You chuckle as Jack raised her head back up, looking at you with a raised brow. "A girl can dream."  Jack wriggles up the couch and kisses you, long and slow. "Few on this couch too." You feel Jack laugh against your chest as she settles back down beside you.

"And I thought I was the naughty one." She runs her fingers up your side and you flinch. "Ticklish are we."

"If you continue, I will kick you out." Jack's hand stops and tucks back under your butt. "Smooth." You drop a kiss to her head and settle back down, trying to will on sleep but fully aware of the woman attached to your side.

. . . .

I know its not the best but my imagination is on fire. 

[ayanna-wild]

No One Said Love Was Easy

Word Count: 1602

Pairings: Lucifer Morningstar x Reader

Warnings: angst, possible trigger, mentions of abuse

A/N: Request from someone on Wattpad, so normally I don't post the stories I make on Wattpad here, but a friend, I'm looking at you @adira-secrets lol, asked me to so I did. On Wattpad are all Lucifer imagines I've done on here plus some Wattpad exclusive ones.

Masterlist

Wattpad

Summary: You wanted to move on, to get over him, he would never love you back. So you found someone else. But the man you were with gave you nothing but heartbreak and bruises, and you still loved the devil you could never have.

............................................................

You downed your shot as you sat in between Maze and Lucifer. You hadn't seen them in a while and you had missed them. Your boyfriend didn't like you spending very much time at Lux and so slowly, over time you went to see your friends less and less. You never argued about it because it was just the excuse you were looking for to further your attempts at getting over Lucifer.

You watched him laugh at something Maze had said and you smiled staring down at your glass. You had to remind yourself that Lucifer would never feel the same way about you. That you were wasting your time, waiting for someone that would never want you back. You tried to convince yourself the man you were with was the one you wanted to be with, but an uneasy feeling settled in your stomach. Maybe you shouldn't even be here right now.

"Where are you going?" Maze asked as you stood up.

You smiled as you slipped your jacket on, putting your phone in your pocket.

"I've got to get home, Sebastian doesn't like me being out to late."

You didn't miss the disgusted look Lucifer had, and your smile fell.

"What?"

He looked up at you, sighing slightly.

"It's just well... that boyfriend of yours isn't exactly a very good catch if I'm being blunt."

Your eyes narrowed, and you crossed your arms.

"Yeah? Well I like him, so I'd rather you didn't be blunt." You said coldly.

Maze's eyes drifted between you and Lucifer, sensing the impending argument.

"I don't see how. He's a bigger douche than Daniel is, honestly love I thought you had better taste than that." Lucifer scoffed.

You laughed in disbelief and turned around, storming out of Lux. Lucifer watched you, looking confused as to why you were so angry.

"What's got her in a fit?"

Maze raised an eyebrow.

"You're joking right?"

Lucifer looked at her expectantly and she shook her head.

"You're not joking, you seriously have no idea why you hate the guy so much?"

Lucifer shrugged.

"He's a little too much like a brother of mine, and we both know how much of a prick Seraphiel is." Lucifer said dryly.

Maze simply smirked and brought her drink to her lips.

"Really? I thought it was because he had a pretty close resemblance to you."

Lucifer looked mortified and offended by that.

~

You kicked your shoes off by the door as you finally arrived at your apartment.

"Where the hell have you been?"

You glanced up at your boyfriend for a second before looking back down at your jacket.

"I was at Lux. I haven't seen Maze and Lucifer in a while." You hung your jacket up.

Sebastian glared at you, crossing his arms.

"Lucifer? That insane club owner? I thought I told you, I didn't want you around him anymore."

You rolled your eyes and walked past him, going to the kitchen.

"Yeah well he's my friend, I'm allowed to hang out with whoever I want Sebastian." You mumbled.

You hissed in pain whenever he suddenly grabbed your wrist in a bone crushing hold.

"Not him! Excuse me for not wanting my girlfriend around the guy she's so pathetically in love with."

You glared at him, trying to pull your wrist free.

"You don't own me, you dick. You're not going to dictate my life." You snapped.

You suddenly found yourself staring at the wall. It took you a minute to process what happened, and for a moment you didn't feel the sting of your cheek. Your loving boyfriend, had just back handed you. The sole reason you were still standing was because of the painful grip he had on your wrist.

"Yes I do." He spat.

He let go of your wrist, shoving you back as he walked past you and towards the bedroom. For a moment you stood there, trying to sort through the various emotions you were feeling. You were so disoriented that you hadn't noticed your phone ringing, not until the person called back. Your hands shook as you answered it, not bothering to check the caller ID.

"Hello?"

Why did your voice sound raw? Where you crying?

"Y/N! Hello darling!"

You forced a smile and stepped out onto the balcony so Sebastian couldn't hear.

"Hey Lucifer."

You wiped away a tear and cleared your throat.

"Are you crying love? Did that reptile you call a boyfriend upset you?"

At that moment you wanted to tell Lucifer everything, wanted him there to protect you. You knew he would come in a heartbeat, but instead you lied.

"No, I'm just tired is all. I'm actually about to go to bed, so I'll call you tomorrow ok?"

Lucifer was quiet for a moment and you held your breath, praying he didn't hear the lie in your voice.

"Are you sure you're alright?" He sounded worried.

"Yeah, really I'm just tired. I'll see you later Luci."

You hung up, leaning back against the sliding glass door as you stared at the street below. You took a moment to collect yourself before going back inside. You didn't bother changing your clothes as you crawled into bed. You stared at Sebastian a moment, before laying down and staring at the ceiling. You lay there, unable to sleep, for what fell like hours. The longer you laid there the more your blood boiled. You raised your hand staring at the skin on your wrist as clear signs of a bruise began to show.

'Did he break your legs?' The voice in the back of your mind seemed just as angry as you were.

"No." You muttered.

'Then run.'

You stood from the bed, and began shoving anything of yours you could into a several suitcases. You were as quiet as possible, and moved around the room without making a sound. Once you had gathered whatever you could, you headed for the door, giving Sebastian one last venomous look before leaving as quickly as you could. You threw your cases in the trunk of his car and slammed it close. You speed down street after street until you arrived at your destination.

Lux.

~

As you walked down the stairs you silently hoped that Lucifer was not there tonight. That he was out in a case with Chloe, you couldn't face him yet, you felt ashamed, like it was all your fault. Your heart dropped when you saw that Lucifer was here, and so was Ella, Chloe, Linda, and Maze. You were tempted to turn around and leave, but when Ella spotted you waving you over, you realized you had missed your chance.

"Y/N! I'm so happy that you made it!" Ella smiled pulling you into a hug.

You smiled as you pulled your sleeve down over the growing bruise on your wrist. You pushed aside any thoughts you had of telling them and you drank. You drank until your anger was replaced by laughter. You drank until the sting on your cheek, and the ache in your wrist disappeared. After a while of drinking you began to feel unsteady on your feet so you sat down in the booth beside Lucifer.

"I'm surprised the reptile let you come out tonight. He's seems a tad controlling."

You only shrugged, watching Ella almost trip over her own feet.

"Oh I left him."

Lucifer head turned to look at you so fast you were surprised his neck didn't break.

"What?"

You nodded and downed another shot.

"Yep, he hit me, so I packed my bags and took his car." You giggled.

You couldn't stop the words from tumbling out of your mouth, but you were too drunk to care. Lucifer grabbed your hand when he noticed you pull your sleeve down again. He was careful as he rolled your shirt sleeve up. He stared at the bruise on your wrist for a moment before grabbing your chin. He turned your head to the side, where the thin layer of make up you had applied was failing to cover the bruise that was getting darker on your cheek.

"Time to crush the little pest." He hissed, eyes flashing red.

Your senses seemed to return a little and you grabbed his arm, pulling him back down to sit beside you.

"Lucifer don't."

"But he hurt you darling, he deserves to be punished."

Your hold on him tightened when he tried to stand again. You didn't see Maze standing behind the two of you, listening.

"Please Lucifer, just leave it."

Lucifer's eyes studied you, taken in your tired expression, the sorrow in your eyes. His expression softened, and he lifted you into his arms. He made up and excuse to the others about you being too drunk and carried you to the penthouse. Before he got in the elevator, he shared a look with Maze, who nodded.

~

You had fallen asleep a while ago, curled up against Lucifer as he sat beside you on the couch in the penthouse. He hadn't left your side ever since you had told him what happened. He looked over his shoulder as Maze walked in.

"How was our dear friend?"

Maze smirked as she grabbed a drink from the shelf.

"Crawling like the snake he is. He won't be walking anytime soon." She laughed.

Lucifer smiled, before turning his attention back to you. Maze watched him hold you protectively.

"You know, you'll have to tell her how you feel eventually."

Lucifer sighed.

"Yes, but not tonight, she has enough on her plate right now."

Maze nodded and turned to leave.

"Just so you know Lucifer, she feels the same."

.................................................................................

Tag List: @we-are-all-alittle-strange-here @adira-secrets @beththedemonhunter @shywriting @emiwrites3reads @gingernarwal @cuddly-cat-in-a-trench-coat @im-just-along-for-the-ride @lifeshortbro @sallyp-53 @officialfangirl @cptgryps @mizzezm

[cptablovegood]

Absolutely no one asked for this or probably even wants this but I’m less than a hundred pages in to Fool’s Errand and Fitz and Beloved are already ruining me so I’m literally just going to make a note of every time they’re being super in love (even if Fitz is constantly obtuse and refuses to admit it) just for my own (in)sanity..

———————part 1————————

Apparently only original posts show up in tumblr searches some imma just have to keep adding on to this rather than reblogging hope you’re ready for a shit so guys!

“I see a love that wends its way in and out of all your many years. That faithful heart has been absent for a time, but is soon to return to you again.” A witch reading his LOVE LINE! She also makes a direct comparison to Molly. Fitz foolishly thinks it’s about Starling but Beloved arrives soon after so we know its about them. HIS LOVE LINE GUYS!

“Your one true love is stitched in and out and through you life. Love will return to you.” You could interpret this as being about Molly as I think they end up getting back together after Burrich has died but I’m way more inclined to believe this is about the Fool. For one its the same witch says its right after the above. Fitz himself also dimises Molly. But mainly the phrasing. The White Prophet and his Catalyst are often described as being interwoven and bound together despite of any distance and time. Like the metaphors are parallel making me think this is about the Fool. Which means… Beloved is Fitz’s one true love! Guys can Robin Hobb just give me a fucking break please!

*a whole paragraph admiring a horse* “The rider was fully worthy of the horse.” He thinks his mans is fine ok!

“He smiled. Something turned over in my heart. I moistened my lips, but could find no words, no breath to utter them if i had. My heart told me one thing my eyes another.” Ummm how fucking in love is Fitz? He hasn’t seen the Fool in 15 years and he’s speechless and his heart is doing somersaults? His eyes are saying wait that’s not how i remember the fool but it doesn’t fucking matter he KNOWS its the fool HIS HEART KNOWS.

“I open my mouth, then helplessly spread wide my arms. At that gesture that said all I had no words for, an answering look lit his face.”Again he’s literally speechless but that doesn’t even matter the Fool can fully understand him. Soulmates don’t need such trivial things as language to communicate!

“He glowed as if a light had been kindled in him” Im sorry thats some romantic shit.

“He did not dismount but flung himself from his horse towards me.”  Hi the Fool literally launched himself off a horses back into your arms!

“The horse shied away but none of us paid her any attention.”  They’re so absorbed in each other.

“In one step i caught him up. I enfolded him in my arms as the wolf gambolled about us like a puppy.”

“‘Oh Fool,’ I choked. ‘It cannot be you, yet it is and I do not care how.’” Emotions are literally choke him he’s about to start crying, I-

“He flung his arms around my neck. He hugged me fiercely. … For a long time he clung to me like a woman.” Yeah we know Fitz has some old misconstrued ideas about love and gender so for him to even parallel that is a lot ok…

“Until the wolf insistently thrust himself between us.” Ok so not only would they have carried on clinging to each other if Nighteyes hadn’t have forced them apart but also the wolfs reaction is super fucking important as well. Like Nighteyes is Fitz’s Wit beast. He has never loved another person other than Fitz so loyally and without question. When he first meets the Fool he trusts him straight away and calls him pack long before anyone else. Fitz even gets jealous of their bond in the first trilogy until Nighteyes explains that why shouldn’t he trust and love someone so fiercely if Fitz already feels this way about them.

“…wiping away tears. I did not think less of him for them. My own ran unchecked down my face.” Urgh thank you Robin Hobb for letting men cry! But they are both so overcome with emotion and not ashamed or embarrassed to show the other person that they’ve been brought to tears by their reunion like wow they’re so in love.

“He flowed to his feet, every nuance of his grace as familiar to me as the drawing of breath.” He likens simply seeing the fool moving to something that is habitual and that sustains his life I-

“He cupped the back of my head and in his old way, pressed his brow to mine.” I would argue more tender than a chaste kiss.

“He stared at me, his eyes touching the white streak in my hair and running familiarly over the scares on my face. I stared just as avidly…” they’re drinking each other up after so many years apart committing each other to memory again.

“The wide grin that lit his face erased all years and distance between us.” something as simple as a smile can bring them right back together like they haven’t been separated for 15 years.

“I felt something from him; the thinnest knife-edge of of shared awareness. … ‘All down the years’ his voice going as golden as his skin ‘you have been with me, as close as the tips of my fingers, even when we were years and seas apart. Your being was like the hum of a plucked string at the edge of my hearing, or a scent carried on the breeze.’”Maybe I’m smoking crack but I think this might be the most romantic thing ever? ‘his voice going golden as his skin’ why does that warm my heart so??

“‘Had I possessed the Skill in truth you would have known I was there. At your fingertips, but mute.’ I felt an odd easing in my heart at his words, for no reason I could name” Fitz mate thats love. Love and the confirmation and realisation that you had never and would never truly be alone or lonely.

“It was a boys thing to do, this immediate offering to share a prized possession and my heart answered it, knowing that no matter how long or how far apart wed been nothing important had changed between us.” Like you might be men full grown now, having lived completely separate lives, not knowing each other for the last 15 years but your love is so pure it has not been marred by age or distance!

“I blinked my eyes and for a minute I was back in the Fool’s hut in the mountains, healing from my injury while he stood between me and the world” he remembers how the fool protected and shielded him and nursed him back to health.

“He created reality around himself, bringing order and peace to a small island of warm firelight.”

“Light ran up his cheekbones and dwindles as it merged with his hair.”

“‘In the space of a sundown, you show me the wide world from a horses back and the soul of the world within my own walls.’” Before the Fool came Fitz was feeling listless and suffocated by his own life. Is there a more beautiful thing than being renewed to vigor by someone you love? The Fool basically brings him all the possibilities and life that he had forgotten he could have. Also he calls the Fool ‘the soul of the world’ how fucking beautiful is that. and the fool is so fucking happy that he could do that for him.

“We are whole.” This said by Nighteyes which I again think is super important. He feels the same about the Fool as he does about Fitz. And although him and Fitz are Wit bonded and him and the Fool not he does not feel that they have been truly complete without him.

“Like sundered pieces of crockery that snick back together so precisely that the crack becomes invisible, the Fool joined us and completed us.”

“The Fool’s presence was in itself an answer and satisfaction.”

“That evening remains for me always a moment to cherish as golden and fragrant as brandy in crystal glasses.”

“I stayed away from you as long as i could. he offered the words like an apology.’ He literally cant keep himself from fitz. “Any time that you returned to visit me would not have been too soo” And Fitz doesn’t want to be left alone Beloved he wants your company!

“Nighteyes and I spoke as we did was not an effort to exclude him from our circle. It was that our circle made us one in a fundamental way we could not share. ‘Yet once we did and it was good.’” Even the wolf wants them to all be joined again and share their thoughts and feelings!

“He extended his hand to me as if he proffered an invisible gift on those outstretched fingertips. I closed my eyes to steady myself against the temptation. ‘I want it as i want breath itself Fool take it away please.’” He is having to ask the Fool to remove the temptation because he wants that wholeness, that one’s again so badly but he knows it’s a bad idea. It is taking all his will to decline it and I think of the Fool offered again he wouldn’t be able to resist a again. Also this is the 2nd time he has likened the Fool to something as fundamental as breathing.

“‘I dreamed of you once. You were sick or injured. A man leaned over you, I felt he wanted to hurt you so I-’ ‘It’s quite likely ou saved my life.’” Even when the Fool was Amber and Fitz did not know her his subconscious was looking out for her and protecting her. He fucking skill pushed someone to leave her alone without even realising it was her.

“‘Sometimes when I was most alone I mocked myself that I could cling to such a hope. That I could believe I was so important to anyone that he would travel in his dreams to protect me.’ ‘You should have known better than that.’ I said quietly.” Ok so this hurts my heart a little because Fitz always denies that he loves the Fool the way in which he wants to be loved by Fitz. I mean I don’t think that’s true at all because their love is way more intense and intimate than any woman that Fitz has ever been with Molly included the only boundary between him and the Fool is sex which arguable we know Fitz doesn’t always think is related to love cos he slept with Starling. And it fucking kills me that when Amber was in her darkest place she clung on to the hope that Fitz did truest love her but at the same time laughed at herself cos Fitz himself had told them otherwise previously. And here he has the audacity to contradict her. Like how could you ever doubt it? Cos you told them to doubt it mate! Why are you so fucking obtuse Fitz!

“‘Should I?’ He gave me the most direct look I have ever received from him. I did not understand the hurt I saw in his eyes nor the hope. He needed something from me but I wasn’t sure what it was.” Urgh again Fitz is so blind! You just need to hold him and admit to him how much you love him get over yourself and your whole ‘I can’t love you like a man loves a woman’ bullshit cos like the Fool rightfully said you didn’t love Molly cos of what was under her skirts!

“‘Were you expecting me to leave tomorrow?’ ‘I thought you might I didn’t hope it.’ ‘That's good then for you could have hoped in vain.’” They’ve finally been reunited after so long and neither one of them wants to leave the other.

“I suddenly realised the immensity of what i had asked him … like all direct questions I had ever asked the fool I both dreaded and longed for the answer.” This just feels very fucking intimate to me lads sorry to say

“‘Good night Beloved we have been apart for too long.’” Umm the Fool fucking gave Fitz his own name. His true name that he had never told anyone. His name that his own mother called him. They’re gunna ruined me these two.

This is literally only the first chapter that they have been reunited in and my heart already can’t take it!!

[istheresomebodywhocanimagine]

Would You Be Mad? (SMUT)

anonymous said: Since requests are open can I request a smutty yet fluffy Bri please ? 💞

(a/n: srry for any typos im posting this RLLY quick before i go into work so pls dont roast me ok enjoy ur sinful sunday u nasties. also as always gif creds to @imladrs)

There were a lot of things in life you’d expected to hear from Brian May. Let me tune my guitar again, did you hear about this obscure blah blah scientific find, Roger’s an arse, why is Freddie being a tart, is there a meat-free option – you had heard them all. You expected them, and in turn, you received.

“If I kissed you, would you be mad at me?” was not one of those things. But now you had heard it, live and in the flesh, and you had no idea how to react.

You had chose to spend the night in, declining a night on the town with the boys, and Brian ended up missing you about an hour into drinking, so his tipsy giant self managed to show up on your doorstep, looking undeniably fit in a simple green polyester button up and black trousers. The buttons of the shirt were undone to the middle of his chest and was askew from his hour at the club, revealing hints of a gently tanned, slim torso, and his mid-waist trousers only accentuated his already long legs. He’d drank just enough to give his eyelids a bit of weight, and the way he looked at you with heavy hazel eyes and a toothy grin made your cheeks heat up.

God, keep it in your pants, you’d thought as you let him in. And maybe he’d been thinking the same. After all, you weren’t expecting company, so your lace and silk teddy/shorts combo was practically leaving little to be desired for. But neither of you had followed that rule tonight, and now you were here, Brian fucking May asking if you would be angry if he kissed you. As if.

It started out innocent enough. You’d invited him in, gotten him a glass of water and some snacks. He was grateful, and sat cross-legged on the end of your pull-out couch’s bed, snacking away. You returned to your laying position you’d been in before he’d arrived, on your side facing him, when he’d suddenly brought up your ex in the middle of polite conversation.

“How is Colin?” he asked, visibly sneering as he said his name and making you laugh as you toyed with the pages of your book, not really reading at this point. Brian was now laid down at a weird angle, his head resting against your stomach as he laid across the diagonal length of the bed so that his feet weren’t dangling off. Sitting your book to the side, you began to play with a piece of his hair and pursed your lips, trying to think of the last time you’d heard from Colin.

You knew Brian had always disliked him thoroughly, and this had led to Colin accusing Brian of trying to steal you from him, which had blown up into this whole big thing that ended in Colin leaving and Brian trying to avoid seeing you so he wouldn’t upset you. But it didn’t last. Brian was back within a few weeks, showing up at random times to spend the day with you. After all, you’d both clearly preferred each other’s company the most for a long time, and had been close friends for even longer. Even Roger was jealous of how much time Brian spent with you, but he never made a big deal about it with Brian. Instead, he made it a running joke, but that was okay with you, and you assumed it was okay with Brian (It was - he loved it).

“Haven’t got a clue, honestly,” you admitted, twirling a single curl around your finger before slowly stretching it out. “Haven’t seen him since he showed up on my doorstep drunk last month,” you teased playfully, giving his hair a gentle tug and smiling softly. “But I turned him away.”

Brian, unbeknownst to you, gasped softly and shifted his hips, turning a brilliant shade of red as you tugged on his hair. He was already drunk and horny, so everything about you in your silk teddy and shorts, right there for the taking, was turning him on. Now it was getting to the point where he needed to act on it before he had a mess to clean up in his trousers. They were restricting enough that he felt like he was going to burst out of his pants if he wasn’t careful, so he flipped over on his stomach, holding back a sharp inhale as his clothed cock rubbed up against the bed while he was getting comfortable.

After a shaky recovery breath, he spoke. “The difference between me and Colin showing up on your doorstep is that I’m a young, dashing, intelligent man here to have a good night in with you, and he’s just… well, Colin.” That got you giggling, and Brian grinned lopsidedly as he rested his head on both of his hands, crossing them and laying down on your thighs. His warm, twinkling eyes scanned your face as you laughed, soaking all of it in. “Besides, fuck him!”

“Why so?” you asked, a cheeky edge to your voice as you sat up a bit. You’d be lying if you said the sight of Brian down there wasn’t doing something for you, so upped the ante a bit against your common sense. “And I mean, I have, so there’s that.”

“Oh, you know what I meant,” Brian groaned, still grinning as he propped his arm up on your leg carefully, resting his head in his hand. “I bet he’s a lousy fuck either way. Probably doesn’t even know how to last longer than 30 seconds.”

“Well, you’re not wrong there,” you mused, mainly to yourself, and then you reached out again to toy with his hair. “I don’t even know if he was attracted to me very much. It seemed like I didn’t really do it for him unless I was a quick fuck. Must not have been his type or something.”

“You, not doing it for him?” Brian asked, his voice unashamedly incredulous. “The man must be blind, then. You’re way too pretty to just be a ‘quick fuck.’” Your cheeks flushed a bit as he continued to watch you, eyelids still heavy from the liquor in his system but his eyes alive and teeming with energy. “You’re beautiful, Colin’s a prick for not appreciating you as much as you deserve.”

“Brian, you’re just drunk and saying that to be nice. Stop being such a sweetheart,” you laughed softly.

He rolled his eyes and gave you an ‘are you kidding’ look before shaking his head. “I’m serious, Y/N, you’re gorgeous. You’re mental if you don’t think I’m telling the truth. Why won’t you believe me?”

“Ouch,” you laughed, rubbing the side of your face and smiling as Brian cocked his head to the side a bit, curious. “I’m mental? That pisses me right off, I’ll have to kick you out of here for that one.”

“Oh, no!” Brian pretended to be panicked, but it only lasted a moment before he started grinning dopily again. “I don’t want to make my lovely host angry, I take it back.” A wide grin spread across your face as you gently shoved his shoulder, and his unbalanced equilibrium made him fall backwards with a groan. And when he rolled over, you were immediately distracted by the bulge in the crotch area of his pants, your cheeks flushing even more than before.

Suddenly, the air was tense as Brian noticed where you were looking, but he didn’t seem ashamed when he met your gaze again. Instead, he sat up, hovering over you as he kept eye contact, his gears shifted completely. No longer was playful Brian up to bat. This was different, a Brian you’d never seen before. He was imposing, attentive, and sensuous as his hand came to rest on your side. There was still a sweet look in his eyes, but something else lingered there, something darker.

You tried to say something, anything, but no words would come to mind as you stared back at him for what seemed like way too long. His tongue darted out and quickly wetted his lips as he glanced at yours, and then you spoke, finally remembering that the two of you were actually in the middle of a conversation. “You take it back? What part?”

He ignored that, the corner of his lip tugging upward as he leaned in a bit closer, then stopped himself. “If I kissed you, would you be mad at me?” His voice was somewhat clear, drunkenly unafraid, and he watched your eyes for any hint of a reaction as you remained quiet, biting your lip.

Finally, you responded. “Can’t be kicking you out if you kiss me, can I?” Brian’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he chuckled, and his hand slid around you to rest on your lower back as he pressed his forehead against yours, your noses brushing up against one another’s before you closed the distance and pressed your lips to his.

He tasted like whiskey and beer, an intoxicating mix of the two still lingering on his lips as he kissed back, a languorous pace to it while he savored the feeling of your lips on his. You reached up to cup his jaw with one hand, and he almost leaned into your touch as he tilted his head slowly, deepening the kiss and pressing your body up against his. The taut front fabric of his trousers pressed up against your thigh, so you raised your thigh up a bit to rub it against his bulge.

A breathy moan escaped his lips, Brian pulling away for a moment to regain his thoughts before he kissed you again, rolling over on his back and pulling you on top of him. He wasn’t urgent about it, taking it slow and easy as he sat up a bit to make it easier for the both of you. His hand rubbing up and down your side, he spoke against your lips quietly, just for the two of you to hear, even if there was not a single soul around. “Hey, I meant it when I said you’re beautiful.”

You smiled against his lips, kissing his lower lip before gently taking ahold of it with your teeth and tugging a bit. He made a pleased noise in the back of his throat and moved his hand to rest under your teddy, his rough skin brushing up against the soft curve of your waist. “Tell me how beautiful I am,” you murmured, ducking your head under his chin and pressing an affectionate kiss there, then trailing your lips down his neck and pressing lazy kisses to it as you made your way down to just above where his shirt started coming together.

“God, Y/N,” he almost whispered, his eyes watching your every move as you looked up at him through your lashes, unbuttoning his shirt slowly, button by button. “You’re like a fucking dream to look at, love.”

That brought a sly smile to your lips, and you unbuttoned the last button on his shirt, pushing it open to expose his whole torso. You straddled his hips as you did so, running your hands up his lightly toned, slim chest. His ribs just poked out of his skin, and you pressed a kiss to his collarbone before moving back up to kiss him on the lips again. This time he was more eager, trapping you there with a firm hand resting on the nape of your neck. But you didn’t mind, and you moved your lips in sync with him as he rested his free hand on your hip. He finally pulled away to take a breath, and you took the opportunity to pull your teddy up and over your head, tossing it to the side.

Brian’s pupils dilated even more as he looked over your body, marveling quietly at you. You pushed off his shirt as he ogled, tossing it to the side as well and reaching down to toy with the button on his pants afterwards. His teeth found his lip, and he chewed on it as he tore his eyes away from your body to look back up at you, a smile gracing his lips when you raised an eyebrow at him. “Sorry, distracted,” he mumbled, pulling you back in for a quick kiss before starting to push down your sleep shorts. “You’re too stunning, you have an unfair advantage right now.”

You giggled at that, moving off of him carefully to push off your sleep shorts. Now you were completely naked in front of Brian, your friend, and you didn’t feel at all nervous. It was like he was meant to see you like this, and there were no expectations. His praise was probably fueling most of that, but it was nice to be appreciated like this. “You’re not bad yourself, so I see no advantage,” you teased quietly, kneeling between his legs and undoing the buttons of his trousers as you kept eye contact with him.

Carefully kicking his pants off once you’d unbuttoned them and pulled them down, Brian watched in drunken amazement as you hovered over him for a moment before pressing a kiss to his abdomen. You reached up with one hand to palm him through his boxers, and received a throaty groan in response. His hand brushed back through your hair, and he admired you with a lustful, yet doting look in his eyes.

“Oh, Jesus,” he breathed out as you moved down to brush your lips over the thin layer of fabric that separated you from his cock. His eyelids fluttered closed as you did so, his head falling back against the back of the couch a bit. It took all of his energy to lift his head again and look at you, his lips parted slightly as he took shallow, quick breaths. “You’re a sight for sore eyes, Y/N.”

This time, you only grinned mischievously in response to his slurring compliments, moving to the side to pull down his boxers. His cock sprung free from its restraints readily, but Brian didn’t even give you a chance to admire him before he was on top of you again, his lips attaching to your shoulder. Brian pinned you down with his own body, his cock brushing up against your thigh as he reached down to rub your clit hard and slow, eliciting a quiet purr of pleasure from you and making him shiver at the noise.

“So, so beautiful,” he mumbled against your shoulder, trailing love bites along the skin framing it and searching up your neck before stopping at your jaw. “You’re an angel,” he whispered this time, his lips agonizingly close to your ear and making goosebumps rise on your arms as you felt his hot breath against your earlobe.

You moaned lowly as his fingers pushed into you, your cheeks splotchy with redness as you felt an overload of lust and fondness at the same time. Brian was making you feel like a princess, but at the same time, his fingers were working so expertly at your core that you were quickly unraveling in his hands. “Bri,” you murmured, and he pulled back to gaze down at you as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of you, a cocky smile playing at his lips. You weren’t sure how to phrase it, but a curl of his fingers inside of you and the thought came tumbling out of your mouth before you could stop it. “Make love to me?”

Something in his demeanor changed as he slowed down, then pulled his fingers out of you and instead slid them up your sex, slick from how wet he’d made you in such a short time. “Make love to you?” he clarified, not even seeming remotely put off by the idea. You nodded, biting your lip as you studied his face, trying to gauge his reaction. “Of course,” he finally replied, his voice full of tenderness as he slowly rubbed his fingers around your clit in circles and ducked down to engage you in a quick but deep, passionate kiss.

All of your nerve endings felt like they were in flames at this point, every point on your body hypersensitive. You felt his hand leave your core, his hips shifting as he moved to sit back on his heels, grabbing his wallet out of his jeans and retrieving a condom. You watched as he put it on, focused on doing it right, and you found yourself blushing lightly as he met your gaze once he’d rolled it on.

“You sure you want this?” he asked, genuinely wanting to make sure you were being honest as he went to kneel between your legs. You nodded, and he smiled goofily, his drunken eyes holding even more of a smile than his own lips as he leaned up to kiss your forehead. His forehead then resting against yours, he took your hips with one hand and pulled you a bit closer, wrapping his other hand around his length and lining himself up carefully. You watched this happen, then looked up into his eyes, which were unnervingly close to your own. He noticed this and looked up at you, meeting your gaze with an unreadable emotion flitting across his face as he slowly pushed into you, maintaining eye contact.

The pressure of him filling you was almost alien, as it had been a moment since you’d even fooled around with anyone besides Colin, on top of the fact that this was Brian, your close friend, someone you’d never really expected to have on top of you. Your arms wrapped around his torso as you inhaled sharply, your fingers digging into his back when he bottomed out in you, a soft gasp escaping his lips. After a moment, he pulled out halfway and began to thrust slowly, with a purpose. Each roll of his hips was careful, calculated, and oh-so-satisfying as he focused on taking it slow, his nose nuzzled up against your cheek and short, shaky breaths hitting your jaw with each thrust.

“Brian, you feel so good,” you moaned in appreciation, his hips pressing against yours with each thrust. He groaned something incoherent, one hand gripping the top of the couch above your head and supporting his weight as he found your hand with his free one, lacing his fingers into yours and squeezing your hand. That little gesture made your heart soar, and you arched your back slightly to press up against him, your bodies melded together as he pushed himself into you, deep and slow.

“Oh, Y/N, you’re fucking amazing,” he groaned out, gradually speeding up his thrusts as he buried his face in your neck, murmuring praises over and over. One of your hands found his hair, and you tangled your fingers in it as you let your head fall back against the back of the couch, in complete bliss because of Brian’s gentle way with you. When his lips brushed up against your sweet spot, you involuntarily curled up your fingers in his hair and tugged slightly, making him choke out a low groan as his hips stuttered for a moment. He couldn’t be in this position if he wanted to last any longer, so he pulled out of you, to your chagrin, but he quickly laid on his side and turned you on your side as well. You were facing away from him, and you gasped softly in surprise as he lifted your leg up and slowly slid his cock into you again, his lips pressed firmly against your shoulder.

Colin had never taken you like this. In fact, no one had ever taken you like this before, and you were on cloud 9 as he thrusted into you carefully, his hips pressing against your ass with every thrust and making you smile in pure bliss. So it only added to your pleasure when he reached around you to rub your clit in time with his thrusts. This was overload, and you couldn’t mask your excitement as you moaned out his name, which made him grunt in appreciation and let out a few noises of pleasure himself. He cursed under his breath as you rested your hand on his forearm, gripping it tightly to ground yourself as he made waves of ecstasy roll through you.

Brian was just as undone as you were, the feeling of your hand gripping on to him for dear life only sending him closer to the edge as he thrusted into you deeper and faster, his thrusts becoming sloppy and signaling to you that he couldn’t last much longer. “God, you’re perfect,” he breathed out, resting his forehead against your shoulder as his lips remained parted in a silent moan, his trembling breaths hitting your back and making you shiver. When he knew he couldn’t hold out any more, he had to slip his free hand under your head and force your jaw to the side so that you were looking up at him, his head hovering over yours as he buried his cock as deep inside of you as he could go. He smashed his lips against yours, muffling the loud moans tumbling out of him as he came, hitting his climax and shaking a bit as his high ran its course.

You pulled away from the heated kiss as he quieted down a bit, an almost pitiful moan escaping his lips at the loss of contact, but you were too close to the edge to notice much as his fingers continued to rub your clit quickly. He was intent on making you climax now, his fingers working wildly at your core as he pulled out, and you looked up into his eyes, your lips parting as you moaned his name, your climax hitting you all at once and sending you reeling. He watched you unravel beneath him, his name on your lips repeatedly as you rode out your high while keeping eye contact with him, and it was enough of a sight to make him groan lowly, even though he was far from being horny anymore.

As soon as you’d came down from your high, your eyelids fluttered closed and you sighed softly, nuzzling into his hand. “Holy shit, Brian,” you murmured, exhausted from what had just taken place and overwhelmed by how good he’d just made you feel.

“You okay?” he asked, running his thumb along your lower lip, and when you nodded, he smiled softly and climbed over you, ambling his way into the kitchen. He cleaned himself off and disposed of the condom properly, then came back with a rag so you could clean yourself up as he pulled his boxers on again. He handed you his shirt after you’d cleaned yourself up a bit, and you sat up to pull it on, buttoning it almost all the way up. Brian climbed back onto the bed with you, halfway sitting up next to you and watching you quietly.

After you’d gotten yourself at least somewhat covered up with his shirt, you looked over to him and smiled before laying down by his side, curling up against him and wrapping your arm around his torso. He ran his fingers back through your hair, taking a deep breath before resting his hand on your head.

“Good night, Y/N,” he murmured, his voice full of admiration as he watched your eyelids flutter closed again, your breathing slowing down considerably. You reached over and took his hand that was on the opposite side of him, intertwining your fingers together and resting them back on the bed as you hummed softly.

“Good night, drunkard that showed up on my doorstep,” you replied sleepily, Brian laughing and shaking his head as he settled down next to you, pulling a blanket over the both of you before drifting off to a peaceful, deep sleep.

taglist - @crosmopolitan @just-ladyme @rogerfxckingtaylor @fourmisfitz @shae-is-not-ok @moreinfinite @fruityfreddie @poachedhazontoast @strawberryfields-forever @imladrs @psychoticobsession

message me/reply to this to be added to the permanent taglist!

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[all-the-heart-you-cannot-see]

Highschool Boy - Elippo

Hey guys....just to clarify...i don’t know a lot about italian culture so sorry if some things don’t make sense in that context...i was just feeling like writing an Elippo fan fic... if you guys like it i can open another blog and take requests.

hope you enjoy.

Filippo had had his eye on Elia for quite a while now, it wasn’t tipical for him to be lurking around younger boys, especially highschool ones, they were always so “manly” and worried about what everybody else thought...he wasn’t intersted in raising a son, he wanted a hook up, maybe even a boyfriend.

Elia Santini was a different type of highschool boy, he had, in fact, stalked him to death, and the boy was pretty funny, his facebook page were mostly memes and for some reason, and he knew this had nothing to do with the fact that he kinda liked him, Elia seemed a little gay to him...just tiniest bit, there was a light at the end of the tunel, a feeling in his gut that telled him that the guy might actually be into boys.

he didn’t make much of it, he was intelligent, yes, but also a fool when it came to his own personal life, he still didn’t know how he had managed to fix Martino’s dating life if he couldn’t even figure out his own.

so when the big day came, when he would finally meet the rest of Martino’s friends...boy, was Elia a big surprise...he was sure now it wasn’t just him imagining stuff, Elia Santini had kinda flirted with him, surprisingly.

it was very subtle, first stares that he thought were because of his odd fashion choices, then starting conversations with him out of nowhere and finally, the top of the cake, when hugging goodbye the guy had actually stopped an aditional of two seconds to look him in the eye afterwards.

Filippo was flying...high. this couldn’t be his imagination, could it? 

normally he would DM the guy, Filo was always pretty straight foward with this kind of thing, but he also knew he could easly scare him away...what if he had misinterpreted the whole thing? he then decided it was time to go back to the basics.

liking his memes and leaving silly comments. 

god how old was he, 12? he was ashamed...if Marti or Ele could see him....they would give him soooooo much shit about it.

luckly, Elia reciprocated, he liked his comments or replied, he even went as far as liking a pride post he had done last year about pride, like.....was that not sing? it had to be rigth?

he made a decision....he would try and make a move on that Villa boys fundraising Ele had ask him to come to.

He entered the party with confidence, as always, Filo never carried himself with any less than that, he noticed Ele looking around for Edoardo, tho if he were to ask her, she would deny everything.

the Sava brothers were having a tough time with love.

He saw the boys almost inmediatly, Martino slightly towering over Nico as he leaned in for a kiss, both smiling as usual, Luchino combining multiple drinks in a cup as Elia cheared and Giovanni looked at them in disbelief.

granted, Elia was kind of childish...but he liked him anyways...and he was determined to not leave that party until he was sure wether or not he liked him too.

Filippo walked towards them.

“hey guys” he said, Gio was the first to say hi, he noticed while greeting the happy couple how Gio and Elia exchanged looks.

“what are you doing here?” Luchino asked, everybody laughed. 

“well, i can leave if you want” he suggested gesturing towards the exit, they laughed again “nah im just, looking over Ele, she has been acting wierd lately”

Gio shrugged his shoulders and clapped “who wants to go find some pretty girls to dance?” 

“we’ll go with you” Nico quickly responded.

Luchino frowned “ok but, what about my beer mix?”

“it’s gonna taste like shit Luchi, c’mon, maybe you can find Silvia” said Gio putting a hand around his shoulders and dragging him along.

“what about Elia” he asked, Gio slapped him in the back of the head.

“remember what we talked about earlier?”

Filippo tried to act like he haven’t heard that... but he was almost sure now...Elia liked him too...somehow...the gods, the universe, mother nature, hell, maybe even jesus...had decided to bless him.

“so...how is it going?” Elia asked him with a smile, Filippo smiled back, this was going to be a productive night.

they talked...a lot, about different things, their favorite tv shows, how awful highschool was, they talked about his friends, their life, what they liked...and when the music got too loud they went outside...it was a beautiful starry night...like the planets had aligned for him to get this moment or something.

they sat on a bench and pretended for a while to be two straight dudes talking to each other under the moonlight.

“why are you really here?” Elia asked him after a moment of silence...their hands were close together, their pinkies almost touching, the phantom of a smiled danced over Elia’s lips and god did he wanted to kiss him.

“i’m looking after Ele” he replied back, knowing it was kind useless at this point.

“c’mon Filo, im sure you can be a better liar” he teased, Filippo laughed.

“ok, you caught me...im actually here cause i like a guy”

“ oh really?” Elia tried to sound smooth, but Filo could see his cheeks turning red “and how is that going?”

“pretty bad actually, so far all we’ve done is pretend we don’t like each other while we stare into our eyes under the moonlight”

Elia laughed and looked away, he started to move his legs back and forth and for a second Filo feared he might had misunderstood things, then Elia sighed and he understood it was something else.

“maybe” he stared, his voice was soft, low, and nervous “maybe he isn’t sure of what he really wants”

“well...” Filo reached for Elia’s hand and covered it with his “that’s ok...there is no rush”

Elia looked at him, and then at their hands, he seemed to doubt for a second before cursing and subsequently...crushing his lips to Filippo’s.

Filo was surprised to say the least, first beacuse he wasn’t expecting it and second because for a highschool boy...Elia was a really good kisser.

hands still together on the bench Filo used his free hand to hold Elia’s cheeck, he grabbed that one too, and suddendly the nigth was a lot less cold and a bit more dark...and this time, Filippo had a feeling this one would be different.