#i used to never get sick wtf. i guess my moms right about that changing once i changed my diet

[celticwoman]

when will it end!!!!!!!!!!

[scum-belina]

While dealing with covid I still have to do my usual routine of filling up water jugs since I've not had running water in two years due to ruined plumbing neither my mom nor I can afford to fix. Can't even try to save up for it at this point because we still have over $2000 in property taxes to pay on our small lot which is insane, and I still need to get new tires desperately. The stress and worry were already making me sick I didn't need covid on top of it.

But now whenever I go to my neighbors rose's to fill up jugs, I often get harassed by my other neighbor Lupe who according to Rose is jealous of how close I am with her. She treats Rose like a mother figure and Rose is and grandma figure to me and I'm just??? Leave me alone??? Rose has INSISTED I fill up my water jugs or do laundry at her place any time. She told me even when she's not home to just use her spare key she hid on her porch and come on in and fill up.

Last week before I even got sick, I was there filling up while Rose was gone and Lupe stormed in and demanded to know who was there (like she didn't recognize my car she drives by every day???) And then demanded to know why i wasn't wearing a mask in Rose's house (this woman doesn't give a shit about masks, she just wanted to start shit with me. Also I literally had one in my car I was heading back to out on before she stormed in.)

I told Rose about it and she was pissed bc she had already told Lupe to leave me alone, which is bizarre because I literally do nothing to Lupe. Last time I saw her was a year ago and we always got along and had a good time at rose's. But now I've been told she views me as a threat and wants to accuse me of taking advantage of Rose even though Rose herself is of complete sound mind and I would never do that to anyone. Hell I'm embarrassed and ashamed as hell to have to fetch my water from other people.

It's humiliating and tiring. Sometimes I have to fill up 30 gallons multiple times a week, carry them to my car, then carry them to my porch, then into my house. My arms be strong as hell tho ngl. Anyways Lupe had her ex husband cover rose's outside faucet last year (WAY before freezing weather season, so I guess even then she was trying to give me trouble) where I couldn't use it easily at all, so I gave up and started going inside, now that I'm sick and won't go in her house I asked Rose if I could uncover it all and she said absolutely and don't even worry about covering it back up.

The thing is that I'm already so low. I can barely get any lower in life than I am. So why harass me over getting water??? It's not even her fucking property. Rose told her I'm trusted and allowed to come and go as I need and please and I think that's pissed her off even more.

There's evidence that Lupe might be hoping to get rose's money, home, and car,once she dies, but I know Rose and that's not her will at all. She said Lupe makes her uncomfortable bc she does things to rose's house without her permission like changing her curtains and furniture??? WHO DOES THAT

Lupe also has a trait that has always troubled me where she seems to be a self-hating Hispanic. I've heard her say the most vile things about other Hispanic neighbors that literally do nothing wrong??? Like one time she saw some hanging out their laundry on a cloudy day and was like "typical dirty wetbacks" and I was like "wtf girl that's horrible to say. i've had to do that before too don't hate on someone for doing what they have to do"

she has a son, his gf and another kid who live with her and most of them are on disability so she be reaping their checks and when she first moved right across from Rose last year, she and her crew IMMEDIATELY made Rose get sick bc they weren't cautious around her at all, so her trying to make me feel bad like I was TRYING to make Rose sick even though Rose wasn't even there and I told her I wiped any door or faucet handle I touch down with alcohol before I leave, is alllll bullshit. She's been stewing to find fault with me for months and that was her chance and it failed big time with me AND with Rose later that day.

It's so bizarre. To me, Rose is a nice grandmotherly in her own odd way neighbor. I visit her and we talk about anything and everything. Even before I needed water I would go over there just to hang out and get out of my own head for a while. But it's not like I go over there or talk to her every day. Why am I such a threat to someone like Lupe. I really don't get it. Her and her crew have being doing so much more to harass me and it's got me so grieved and scared. I just want to live in a better place.

Even when I go to my maternal grandma's, other relatives will mock or harass me for filling up jugs or doing laundry there. And my maternal grandma has well water so she doesn't even pay a damn water bill. Like, why kick me when I'm already down? It's not like I just sit around and do nothing. I do everything I can to earn money with odd jobs but have had no luck on getting a decent job or even part-time job. It devastates and humiliates me. I cry myself to sleep more often than not at my whole life situation. I don't need anyone else to make me feel worse than I already do.

I understand if you said or thought "I ain't reading all of that". I really do. This is a rambling mess. I just needed to vent out a little bit of that stupidity that's been going on recently in my life. I'm so tired and scared all the time.

[thegeminisage]

back at it in KAKARIKO!! finally...they better let me climb these damn ruins ive been waiting to do it for 165 hours

FINALLYYYYYYYY

god and these poor kids can visit their moms grave again...

MINERU, SAGE OF!!!!! oh man i knew it i KNEW it. i love to be right

man calip is such a fucking loser. he's been blocking people this whole time & now he's mad about getting upstaged by a woman. get a life dude

WOW and hes making tauro say "fantastic" again. dude, COME ON!!!

ok wait i changed my mind. before i go to faron i wanna go back to the castle. i know my tunic and shield are both there!! i doubt i'll wear the tunic much bc i got my oot gear but i NEED my hylian shield. ive been using a zonaite shield the entire game!!!

man the music here is still SO intense

i remember zelda's diary said the tunic was in the throne room behind the throne but i dont see any way of moving it...

okay i looked it up. torches!!! and i GOT IT!!!!! wah......

now the shield...NO idea where this is, i'm gonna have to look it up fr

oh.

you have to go thru hands :|

well. how badly do i want it...

wtf this korok had extra dialogue???

"id heard korok forest was allw eird there for awhile but now its back" what the hell?? the other koroks just say ya ha ha......

korok hunting is so stressful here btw. why would anyone put so many seeds here. evil evil evil

OH my god okay i found a video that shows you a way to go around the hands. WHEW. thank you internet. im gonna try it!!!

oh i do Not like it in here. i thot about getting all my korok seeds rn but it is like 1am. no fucjing way. this whole goddamn place is cursed

GOT IT!!!!!! i am getting the FUCK outta here. i can't believe i could have done that the whole time lol

apparently it's 3k to rebuy it if it breaks but...i got the cash.

also tbh. im gonna keep wearing my oot armor bc i was gonna anyway but also bc i think the tunic looks nicer in botw. shoulder guard bad. i mean its more practical but less stylish

lol i went to the tower next to the zonai ruins and calip is there like waaah tauro had to go on ahead wahhhh im slow

suck it up!!!

man i remember being SO put out there wasnt anything here. but i guess there is!

quick stop to deliver this mf claw...

2 down, 1 to go. i have dinraal's claw but idw go back to the power spring bc theres hands near it lol

YOOOOO charged SHIRT

omg lol this is so skimpy and girly. love it <3

this outfit is SIIIICK i LOVE dragon armor!!!!!

DAMN OK....................THAT WAS SICK AS HELL

the storm is gone above the dragon islands!!!!! which is a shame almost bc this armor would have made me so deadly up there lol

man i think calip just has a fucking crush on this dude. problematic gay rep happy pride

ah, too bad i never was able to get a fast travel point up there...

i can fly over from the great plateau though. goddammit. great SKY ISLANDS

ooh, i still see some flashing...maybe an opportunity to use this new armor after all

there are storms! and the music is so cool...

right where i landed before...i know bc i DID get this gacha machine. and i remember this trio of like likes lol. very hard to do with zero visibility

ah man there's so much to see here!! but it's getting late so i have to pause for now :(

[dynamicspacebud]

was just doing my moms dishes bc i felt bad for her when i just really started to dwell on how she is as a mother like WOW is she a SHIT mom and i mean that like my god she is awful. I don’t like to remember stuff like this or hold it in my head like how i really have to dig deep to re-remember all the ways my father is horrible but right now with her i don’t know i want to write down what i was thinking about. How less than a year earlier we had to change the locks on the door because he threatened to come even though she said no and i got really scared and started having terrible nightmares about him coming in and killing us and then she just surprise told me he is was coming over one day and completely disregarded my concerns and feelings about how i told her i felt uncomfortable and unsafe with him around she just did not care and was so selfish even though this was supposed to be my home too. Or how that night she was like I’m an adult i can have casual sex when i simply asked if he was staying the night and she was like i’m just being honest when i went wtf as though a year prior she didn’t blame me for him financially/ sexually abusing her for getting money for sex and she blamed me because i was using her credit card and not paying bills as though i wasn’t a teenager who didn’t even know any of this was happening i just got blamed. How could she even put that on me i knew then and now it wasn’t and had never been my fault but that’s such a sick thing to say honestly it makes my stomach curl. Her asking how and why my relationship with my father has to reflect and effect my relationship with her as though i didn’t write a whole fucking peer reviewed essay about how it does like how is she so fucking awful as a mother like i’m very glad i was born but god she should have never been someone to take care of someone else or anything else like how she also abandoned her cat when her boyfriend wanted her too. It’s so sick i don’t and never did deserve the terrible parents i have. I don’t want them. I cant wait to get to a place when i can genuinely never have contact with them again. Seeing and being reminded of it all holds me back i know that. I don’t want that. I cant have that. And every year in close and closer to breaking away. I’ll get there i know i will and i’ll never have parents i’ll only have s** and a***** but i’ll still watch bluey and cry cry cry because someone has those parents and that makes my heart warm enough. And maybe i’ll even be that parent one day. Mine are so beyond awful i will and can never be them it’s not even possible. I’m very lucky i got out i mean look at my shit brother that hateful bigot. Good for him tho he barley talks to them i wish i were him in only that way. They hurt him more than me and because he’s cishet and grew up in a rich highschool i think that’s why he turned out that way. I don’t know i want to say maybe he has changed but as a cop i know it’s impossible he has. I won’t have any contact to my immediate bio family. My uncle today asking me how long it’s been since i talked to my brother and me saying years. I mean often i genuinely forget i have a brother which is funny in a way because we lived together until i was like 19 it’s not even like we didn’t grow up together or he left when i was young. My mind just has such a strong way of blocking everything out. It’s for my own protection but i don’t know how good that is honestly. Like with hannah it did the same thing. Nes being like I REMEMBER how do you not ??? you were so close and i have to really think about it or see pictures or texts to remember and when i do it’s strong and im sad. I guess my mind doesn’t want me to be sad. But i don’t know i don’t think that’s a good thing. Not entirely. Ok funny enough im rewatching the 100 and they have kind of touched on this subject with raven not remembering finn and jaha not remembering his son but them being “happy” because they can’t feel the pain of losing them even though they don’t remember the happy and good stuff either. I think that’s kind of what my mind is

[thehiddenmemoryuniverse]

Lucifer Ending: Tragedy and Contradiction

Okay, so I tried really hard to resist the urge to post anything about it, and I even held out for over a week trying to process/calm my feelings about the ending to Lucifer. I’ve tried, I really have, but the more I try, the more I CANNOT rationalize that ending. As you may have guessed, I absolutely hated the ending, and I just really, really, have to get my feelings out about it. If you liked the ending (I really wish I could be you!!), you may want to skip reading any further (I recommend you do, in fact). 

Ultimately, regardless of the details, that ending for Chloe/Lucifer is just way too heartbreakingly tragic and sad, however, this is made all the more unbearable because none of it makes ANY damn sense.  

I’m just going to start by pasting a bunch of quotes first:

2x05

Lucifer: I refuse to believe that. There is always another way.

Mum: If anyone can find it, it's you.

2x02 Chloe: “Doing what's best for your child, it doesn't always make them happy.”

3x16

Cain: But you're the Devil, you always keep your word.

Lucifer: I do. So I hope you understand how difficult a decision this was. And yet, oddly, the easiest I've ever made.

6x01

Lucifer: I love you, Chloe Decker. I'd do anything for you. Except give you up. Give us up.

6x09

Lucifer: I need you to know that if there is any choice to be had at all, I will always... choose us.

6x07

Rory: You make choices, Mom. If I told you what they are, you wouldn't really be making them any more.

Yeah. Not going to comment further on these right now. 

Nor am I going to even get into the whole fate vs free will. Regardless of your views on that debate, why on earth a show about free will spends its final season spotlighting the widespread, controversial debate of fate vs free will by introducing a time loop plot, I’ll never understand. 

But even if we forget the numerous issues/contradictions with that (and the ridiculous irony of Rory’s quote shown above), and accept that Lucifer and Chloe chose this, I honestly feel like screaming because WHY??? Why on earth would they EVER want to chose this? 

I know the 2 reasons given, the reasons everyone is speaking up with, the reasons expanded on at length in fanfiction, and I’ve tried really, REALLY hard to rationalize them in my head, tried to enjoy the sweet moments fanfic writers are trying to make of it, but I cannot. Because it doesn’t make any damn sense whatsoever to me.

Reason # 1: Lucifer never would’ve realized his ‘calling’ to help tortured souls in Hell.  

Right. First of all, if it really is his ‘calling’ he would figure it out eventually because that’s what a bloody calling is. I mean really. Not to mention there was plenty of evidence that he was figuring it out already, and him figuring it out after actually helping people in hell (Jimmy, Dan, Mr. Said out bitch), makes way more sense than stopping someone from making the mistake of killing someone else.

And second, even if we accept the argument that he wouldn’t find his calling, we are then saying that he chose his ‘calling’ over his own family, the people he loves most of all? That’s beyond awful to me. And pretty much destroys all of the growth and beauty and love and development across the series. A complete contradiction to even earlier in series 6. See above quotes. Lucifer tells Chloe he’d do anything for her, except give her up, give them up. He tells her if there’s ever any choice to be had he would chose them (his family). So, what the heck? Which leads me to reason 2, and beware with continuing because this is UNBEARABLY frustrating to me so I may get a bit heated. I just can’t. I can’t understand this.  Reason #2: They did it for their daughter, because she asked them to, because she didn’t want them to change her, because she’s happy with who she is, etc, etc..

This is the most widely accepted reason, the most referenced in fanfic, that it’s so beautiful because Lucifer and Chloe sacrificed everything for their daughter because they loved her so much.

I’m sorry, I really am, I tried so hard to make sense of this but it makes the least sense to me of all. 

Why on EARTH is Rory growing up without her father better for her? Why on earth would Lucifer, of all people, knowing the pain it causes, ever chose that for his daughter?

This is not sacrificing for their daughter, this is sacrificing for NOTHING at all. This is doing the ABSOLUTE worst for their daughter, all because she asked them to?

And her asking them to in the first place makes no sense either. Why on earth would Rory ASK for it after all the pain it caused her? Earlier she told Lucifer and Chloe that him leaving ‘ruined her life’, and now all of a sudden she’s happy with it? After seeing and reading how much Lucifer and Chloe loved each other she wants to separate them? After saying she now loves Lucifer too she wants to do that to him? And you can’t tell me it’s her being selfless because she thinks he won’t find his ‘calling’ otherwise, because even if he doesn’t (which he would for reasons above), then again we are saying they are choosing a ‘calling’ over family, over those they love most. Or, even worse, Rory, is choosing FOR HIM and ROBBING him of his choice to chose his family over his ‘calling’. 

No matter what way you spin it, it is just all kinds of wrong and messed up, and does not showcase the love the characters have for each other, nor the freedom of choice.

There’s nothing beautiful about any of this to me. It’s just plain awful and cruel for NO REASON. 

Yes, I know I’m missing one popular theme with all of this, and I might just hate this one most of all: That even though Rory suffered it made her stronger, she’s proud of who she is, and they don’t want to change her, don’t want to ‘kill’ this version of Rory who grew up without her dad. 

No. Just no. This pains me immensely. So we’re saying that she’s a better person having grown up without a Dad than she would’ve been growing up with a complete, loving family? That people who grow up with loving families can’t be as strong and proud of who they are? WTF? 

Sure, we as people are only strong in life when we need to be but that doesn’t mean that someone who grew up more fortunate doesn’t still have the capacity for that strength (or that they don’t suffer in other ways).

Yeah, it’s beautiful when you grew up abandoned and were able to eventually overcome it, but in reality you’ll always be scarred to some degree, and you certainly would have been less messed up, happier if you hadn’t.

Changing the time loop so that Rory could grow up with her father in her life wouldn’t ‘kill’ her. Fundamentally she’d still be the same, still would have grown up with her ‘kickass’ mom. All the good parts would still be there. There would just be even more good and much less of the bad.

How on earth would Chloe and Lucifer not want to chose that?

There is no way anyone can ever convince me that you come out better growing up abandoned by your father than you would have if he hadn’t. Just no.

We are strong and proud to overcome something only when WE HAVE NO CHOICE. CHOOSING to suffer just to show how great you are afterward for overcoming it when you could have chosen NOT to suffer at all, is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. 

It reminds me of a quote from one of my childhood movies, the original “Lion King.’ Little Simba tells his dad he went looking for danger to show that he’s brave, and his dad answers, “I’m only brave when I have to be.” 

So.  Circling back. Ignoring the debate on whether or not there was even a choice given (fate vs free will and ridiculous time loops). Ignoring that Lucifer likely (and should have) been able to find his ‘calling’ anyway. 

Then, in summary, we are left with Lucifer (and Chloe) ‘choosing’ for Lucifer to leave them for Hell, abandoning them both (and Trixie) because either

1) Lucifer’s calling is more important than being with his family

2) Rory wants to suffer, to let her parents suffer an unimaginable amount of pain, just to show that she comes out better for it, even when she can choose not to suffer at all. And Chloe and Lucifer are both in agreement that this is best for them and their daughter. 

What. The. Hell???!!

I’m sorry, but there’s no rationale for this. None. At. All. 

I’ll be the first to admit that I would never be happy with such a devastatingly heartbreaking ending no matter what the reasons, but, HOLY HELL, can they at least have had it make even the smallest amount of SENSE?! 

It’s just angst for the sake of angst, and I especially did not expect this from this show. It was always a show not to be taken too seriously, not to overthink and just have fun with, and that’s what made it work for me. But then they decide it’s a good idea to 1) throw in a time loop plot when time loops in fiction is pretty much the definition of serious complexity and making viewers overthink. And 2) have it end with such a tragic and sad ending that makes no sense. I am so sick and tired of the trend now days that shows can’t have happy endings.

(Edit: Now look what happened. I’ve gone and made another rant: https://thehiddenmemoryuniverse.tumblr.com/post/663357629901438976/lucifer-morningstars-broken-journey)

[ivanabaqero]

Since I just returned from rehab, here is my.. idk, emotional journey on my chronic illness + mental health or wtf ever u wanna call this. This is the most personal thing I have ever posted but I need to get it out. 

Before you read, I guess I gotta tw this for suicidal thoughts and descriptions of my symptoms.

I don’t even know where to start. It feels like all of this happened in one week and at the same in a span of several years. But no idea, time just kept passing and more shit happened. 

Last summer was pretty cool. I worked hard and made a fuckton of money - not really considering the consequences of the fact that I overstepped the boundaries of my body every single day. Either way, I regret nothing it was pretty cool and another experience I am glad I could make. Well, but when I came back home, I started to notice a few things. Among some weird shit nobody wants to know about, I noticed a change of my eyesight. There was a cloud right on the vision on my left eye and it got blurry. At first, it started with minutes and then it passed. But I knew my body responded to exhaustion in an odd way so I let it slide. As doctors have instructed me, only when it lasts over 24 hours it’s an actual episode/flare and I should go to the ER -- to elaborate this further, I have been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2015 and have not had any bigger flares since, only the regular symptoms like fatigue, etc.

 I got treated with the regular medication; cortisone. This shit gave me some energy boost for a few days and then, things went back to somewhat normal. The blurry thing in my eye has changed into a weird ass thing called nystagmus. Basically, my eyeball was twitching. It was better than the blurry sight and my doctors told me that physical therapy was the only thing to help me with that, and up until some weeks ago this didn’t stop, at the moment it’s gotten way better though - a relief because that caused me mad headache and made reading really difficult.

Anyway, that was the smaller problem. A few months later, in December around Christmas, I have gotten really weak and have been constantly dizzy. As usual, I let it slide for some days. Up until that point when I couldn’t move from the bed or look at anything else but right up at the ceiling or I would get fucking dizzy. Back to the ER again, the same procedure began. Cortisone  resulted in a massive push of energy that lasted for some days, but after that, all the symptoms slowly returned. Not only that, but it started to get worse. I have been dragging and limping with my left foot since months but I still managed somehow to walk and get around. In January I had a major panic attack when I noticed that I couldn’t walk on my own to my doctors, which is merely an 8 minute walk away. I had to call my mom to bring me back home because I couldn’t go any step more. My doctor sent me to the ER but the next day, I decided that I was fine and being over dramatic and everything was perfectly fine. The whole thing kept getting worse, I could not walk anymore, I kept feeling dizzy all the time unless I was staring at only one spot: my laptop or phone. So that was what I did, ignore my symptoms. Adding to my chronic fatigue, dizziness, inability to walk and my eye problem, a sensitivity problem spread all over my body from the chest downwards. My hands hurt and my fingers cramped up and got stiff, I lost all feeling in my feet. I had an appointment at the neurologist thank god, or else, I would have let it gotten worse and kept telling myself that I am being over dramatic and nothing is actually wrong. Delusional? Maybe. I don’t understand myself there either.

The neurologist decided to keep me in hospital for a whole ass week, getting cortisone every day. I got in there with the ambulance in a wheelchair and left out of there walking again. Not perfectly, but I thought things were looking up. Of course, once the high dose of steroids begins to wear off and you slowly come down from it, you first catch sleep. Steroids this time have been given to me five days in high dose instead of three and in addition, I had to take pills that I had to reduce slowly over another two weeks. I did not sleep in those three weeks more than 3-4 hours per night and then I finally could. To make this more understandable; my brain was tired but my body was buzzing. I also had a tremor that has still not entirely left me as a wonderful side effect from the medication. 

That time stationary they finally put me back in a MRT and found 2 bigger new lesions. One of them in my cerebellum and the other in my spinal cord. Each of them causing me all those massive problems. Back at home I had physical therapy every day, but despite all of it, I had to rely on a wheelchair. I got my wheelchair in march and named him Otto because he is the best man ever. Next time in hospital, I was mentally and physically just fucking done and tried to just ignore how much my mental health was going downhill along with my body, the neurologist offered me stationary rehab at a very well known center where they treat several physical as well as mental illnesses. I said yes, and luckily got a place in July.

The initial plan was to stay there for four weeks, but the doctors suggested to extend to six. I did. And good that I did. I made slow progress. Very slow. To imagine, in twenty minutes at the first day I could barely walk 130m with four  breaks in between, with walking aid and what not - and my last day I made 640m in the same time with no breaks. I know this doesn’t sound like a lot but fuck -- I made it out of a fucking wheelchair. I am walking again. Not perfectly or any good, but my legs are used for their purpose again; to get me through this world. For someone who loves hiking and going for little walks alone, this was such a big deal to just not be able to anymore. 

The day I had the panic attack was the day I realized that in 2015 I made a promise to myself that if I ever have to rely on other people, I would end it. But I felt selfish for not wanting to end it. I felt selfish  for wanting to live and being a burden to people. I know, none of this is my fault and I am the first to give good advice, but am I good at handling my own shit? Absolutely not. 

With all the physical therapy I did for six weeks every day, I also had a psychologist that helped me understand myself better and deal with the trauma this experience brought me. I have to find another psychologist at home as well, because I didn’t feel the one I have helped me at all. I had to make a lot of promises to myself, such as accepting and asking for help and that it’s no shame in doing so. I feared losing my independence and I still do. But fuck, this experience was an eye opener in so many ways. I made new friends in rehab as well, which was one of the coolest things. And I got hit on by two attractive men - can you believe? I was in a wheelchair, dressed like absolute shit and not making any kind of deal of how I look! But yeah, my interest wasn’t really there to get involved in anything. I’ve got a lot of love to give but I need to give it to myself rather than pour it out on someone else.

I learned so many lessons, about my body and about my mind. My brain is an idiot and I have so many fears I was never even able to see until now. I thought optimism could beat everything and well... while it helps me a lot to get through every day life, every now and then I just need a slap in the face to look at things in another light. Not everything is fine if you tell yourself it is, no, you are not over reacting and you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself when life is dealing you a bad card. It doesn’t matter that other people have it worse -- it doesn’t mean your own shit is any less valid. And with that, I am going to wash my face and stop crying. I am still in a shock of reality state because I am  back at home now and everything is different. And I got to admit, I feel a little lonely. But I don’t want to reach out to my old friends at the moment with whom I felt like the “sick friend”. I want more friends in similar positions as me so I don’t have to feel bad for... well, feeling bad, and I don’t want to hear any more optimism monologues from healthy people who have absolutely no idea what it is like to have chronic pain, fatigue and overall; an illness. Whether it be mental or physical.

If you really read all of this, thank you. There was no need to, but I appreciate it. I honestly just needed to let it out. Because I haven’t done so properly since all of that started. 

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, eps 1-5 thoughts! opening the new season with episodes like these kinda blew me away. we had multiple serious episodes INCLUDING a two parter!! also, valerie :)

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-I don't know what I expected s2 to open with. but danny portal incident in more detail was not it. (also, I hate to break it to you, sam, but danny's parent's bigass ghost hunting rv def chugs more gas than those vehicles, lmao. unless it runs on ectoplasm or something...)

-WHY WAS DESIREE IN THE SEWER? HAVING TEA WITH IT DOWN THERE?? Her making the giant cow come alive is a boss move, we've almost had all of my fav animals as ghosts now <3 I also don't like how sam was expecting danny to just, haunt the place so the cars wouldn't get sold? I KNOWWW I know she's 14 (and I had a very annoying phase like this, I think I mentioned in a previous post, I GET IT) but they're HIS powers, and messing with (1) dealership will not really put a dent in sales overall because they can just move the cars to another sales lot, and it certainly wont change the industry anyway, it's more of a minor annoyance for (1) location. Also, usually people who work at car sales places work on commission, so if they dont make a sale, they don't have money to pay bills, or eat. sam baby if u wanna be an activist you need to like, actually look into these things. with as much money as her parents have, she could be doing a lot..more useful things for causes she cares about? it's frustrating to see someone with resources who doesn't know how to use them. but shes 14 so again. cannot be really upset :/

-IS THIS A PREDATOR VS TERMINATOR VS FREDDY KRUEGER MOVIE BUT THEYRE ALL WOMEN?? you know, sam is so right to be excited about this. /I/ want to see this movie. that rules

-paulina inviting danny and friends to her quinceañera, aw! even if it is just to get phantom to show up :') and there'll be a meteor shower, and we KNOW danny wants to be an astronaut!! there's not a meteor shower every night!! the tickets are non-refundable, but..she's rich? like. gotta agree with danny, they never get invited!! I KNOW it's the principle of keeping promises, but if she was that upset, she should've said something. directly. I hated how she was like, passive aggressive about it through the episode, like you SAID IT WAS FINE, THAT YOU'D GO TO THE PARTY TOO. MOVIES SHOW FOR A FEW WEEKS IN THEATERS. IF YOU HAD A REAL PROBLEM YOU NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. WE'VE HAD THIS PROBLEM BEFORE, SAM. YOUR FRIENDS. ARE NOT. MIND READERS.

-MR. LANCER GOING AFTER THE GHOST WITH THE FIRE EXTINGISHER LMAO

-this outfit is everything . anytime the show does an over the top cutesty pink outfit i WANT IT. it looks like shit I wear JKASDHF I HAVE a bow like that and a pink sweater. I need leg warmers </3

-SAMS GOTTA RE-HALF-KILL HIM??? thats fucked up. but also, he finally got his logo!! it took until s2!!! this episode was lowkey very fucked and I felt like it glossed over a lot. does sam have guilt about like. kinda KILLING HIM?? I know, he also agreed and walked into the portal. but. she made the choice to redo it SO quickly (even if it was because someone had to beat desiree) and danny, during their fight, brought up a lot of stuff sam's done in the past, meaning he was holding onto those memories and resentment was building. (I KEEP SAYING HE LOWKEY NEEDS THERAPY, BUT I THINK MOST EVERYONE IN THIS SHOW KINDA DOES) which...is a red flag? and then they didnt even GO to the party URGH I know she tried to make up for it, but it really felt like Sam fucked up and barely faced any consequences and got everything she wanted in the end. I KNOW it's a kids show obv they aren't going to go too in depth, and she undid the damage, kinda, but...I DUNNO how to articulate it but it rubbed me the wrong way.

-but on a note about desiree, her powers of wishes were STRONG ENOUGH TO ERASE NOT JUST THEIR MEMORIES, BUT DANNY'S POWERS?! fuck, if I was danny I'd be like, trying to make friends with her. I know they always have horrible side effects as most genie-granted wishes do, but...c'mon, I'd at least TRY to be like 'I wish no ghosts would hurt anyone in my town' or 'I wish vlad would lose his ghost powers forever no matter What and also forget about my mom' LIKE. SHIT DESIREE IS SO POWERFUL. rewriting reality powerful, basically!! appreciate her. respect her.

-aww, sam helping tucker pass the nurse's office so he wouldn't see because he's afraid of medical stuff? very sweet. I also don't like medical stuff, I've gotten a lot better at handling it tho. but seeing blood and needles still makes me feel lightheaded x_x

-FOLEY, BY TUCKER FOLEY. I want to make my own perfume, that's so cool. even if his first attempt isn't good, he's pretty consistently shown to have an inventor/entrepreneur streak in the show, so like. I can see him inventing or making something (or several somethings) that make him $$$ when he grows up :) proud of my creative son

-I know the 'creepy abandoned hospital on the edge of town' is a joke and the creepy hospital trope is so Worn Out, but in my town we actually DO have a hospital like that! my dad was born in it, but its not in use and hasn't been for, like, 20 years! it needs to be torn down but I think the city doesn't wanna pay the money. the inside is horrible, spray painted and broken glass and shit everywhere. but there's still like, rusty equipment and fucking DOLLS all over the place. the cops drive by it pretty frequently to make sure no one is like, breaking in. (because of water damage, some of the areas really aren't safe. also, asbestos, but people still go in anyway) but also, some of my town was used in a filming for a stephen king show. So it's lowkey spooky all over. just a fun personal tidbit :) to lead into saying, any hospital abandoned for any period of time is NOT safe to quarantine these kids in JKSAHDKF like I KNOW it's a ghost trying to do this, but NONE of these parents are even like, 'well, why dont we keep them in the regular, working hospital'....YIKES. this hospital looks pretty accurate to the one in town. grungy and spooky.

-fentons are tax evaders confirmed by jack's fear of being audited, lol no one is surprised

-ghost sickness via ghost bugs. horrifying concept. I actually expected it to be a new villain, not dr. spectra again! this is a very elaborate scheme. her new form rules, love the new costume. the way none of the bg kids seem to recognize her as their old school councilor. did we just forget about that completely?

-dash watching romance movies in the fucked up ghost hospital. same.

-'oh please, you're ghosts, do you have any idea what YOU smell like?' no, tucker, what DO ghosts smell like? I genuinely didn't know they would even have a smell, I actually want to know now.

-it feels like a while since we've seen jazz!! i was happy to see her again, even if she was a head in a jar for most the episode. I want another jazz-focused ep!!

-we finally see danny doing space-related stuff!! him and his friends stargazing to open ep 3 of s2. cute :) until, GHOST PIRATES!!!!! ...ghost pirate captain is a small child?? VOICED BY TAYLOR LAUTNER???

-oh, the easy listening is ember's song instrumental slowed. 'vapor drone' THEY VAPORWAVED HER!!! ember in a pirate outfit tho >>>>. and the cruise being called m.bersback JKASDHJK. ember adopting a little pirate brother is also pretty cute. concerning this teen and little kid have such bad opinions of adults, like, who hurt you?? (how did you DIE ALSO?? im always lowkey curious about that. we know desiree died at an old age, but her ghost form is young, probably mid-20s, so I wonder how that sort of thing works...its a more mental thing, isn't it?) but ghost team-ups are always cool to see, even if ember bailed after danny took her guitar. I guess she probably thinks youngblood can handle it (which, he's been owning danny this far in the ep, so...fair)

-tucker got that sponsorship from nasty burger for their radio!!! again, opportunistic money maker king, love to see it!!!

-danny taking control of the kids SO FAST. he makes a pretty great leader. no one is surprised, im pretty sure I said I think he's the most mature of the trio, once again, correct, because he's taken on so much responsibility already. all the teens suiting up in the jumpsuits to go save the adults and taking the ship over with a BLIMP. OKAY LETS GO. this feels like it should be a mid finale or straight up finale.

-...speaking of finales. why is ep 4-5 of s2 combined into a 50 minute episode? I havent even clicked play and im concerned. weird placement, like, this season JUST started and we're getting a two parter? okay...why are the episodes placed like this? why not put this at episode 10 or something, for a mid-season thing?

-this is also a cute dress. possibly my fav dress so far. can her parents give ME cute dresses, I'LL wear them.

-it turns out the castle fright knight was in is called pariah's keep and there's something worse than fright knight in there! lovely! fuck off vlad wtf are you doing <3 your hubris <3 is going to literally get you killed <3 'ring of rage' and 'crown of fire' are great names tho. ...vlad turning into a super polite guy when he was scared of mr. pariah was hilarious. and fright knight doing the same...I mean, it makes sense, he's a knight, he serves a king? happy to see fright knight again either way :) vlad telling him to call him tho, lmfao. you WISH HE WOULD. (I wish hed call me, too. 😔)

-so...jack being genuinely concerned about vlad...maddie really didn't tell him what happened at the cabin, did she. damn. if I was her id immediately come home and be like 'YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS SHITTTT THIS CREEPY GUY--' like, I feel like that stuff you need to tell your partner!!! I know she didnt want Jack to think she was an irresponsible parent putting danny in danger at that time, but STILLLL. maddie spilling boiling tea on him. get his ass. how is jack this oblivious to his wife's discomfort with vlad!! ughhh

-fenton wipe (tm). trademarked toilet paper.

-DANNY AND VALERIE BEING FRIENDS??? :D that was a cute moment. 'hey val <3' and 'if you like him like him, make a move, or someone else will ;)' at sam...damn!! I love her. valerie go for it girl!!! I hate how sam and tucker treat val also, like I GET IT YOURE PROTECTIVE AND DONT TRUST but if anything him befriending valerie will help when she finds out or he tells her like I feel like she'll be more understanding that they think! ALSO I feel like her reason for not liking ghosts is valid, like you haven't really explained the full story to her anyway! she doesn't seem to have any other friends after being booted from the a-listers so im like :( but seeing them kick butt together again was nice <3

-the ghosts all RUNNING FROM PARIAH DARK IS NOT GOOD, I thought he sent them to attack or something, but no. why doesn't someone just tell desiree 'hey i wish pariah dark would die' lol. once again I think she can solve every problem <3 but seeing all the enemies in one place, being civil and hiding together? love it.

-you just know danny's gonna have to clean up vlad's stupid mess. also, jack being willing to put on the ectoskeleton pants to help maddie, as soon as vlad heard it could kill him, he suggested jack do it instead of helping maddie himself? this is why jack got the girl, my man.

-ghost skeletons. how do you end up as a skeleton ghost in your afterlife instead of a humanoid like most the ones we've seen? lmao

-the ghosts just making new homes in various stores. I'd totally be setting up in an expensive clothing store if I was a ghost.

-valerie's dad is possibly the most useful adult so far, with that ghost shield expansion!!! and valerie saving vlad and danny, even tho shes been thru it already, shes still so good!!! this family rules.

-danny: *gently caresses valerie* :)

-*then he immediately TELLS HER DAD ON HER. and his first response is 'are you okay?' :'( such a good dad...

-*me every time fright knight breathes* youre doing SO great sweetie :)

-the fenton suit thing is so silly looking. does anyone take this thing seriously

-ALL THE GHOSTS FIGHTING WITH DANNY <3 AAAAA. and the fact that pariah isn't perma-defeated, but just locked away again. yikes. he'll probably get out again, won't he? it wasn't too clear, but if vlad DID make a pact with fright knight, I am rabid. I will beat vlad to death with the fenton bat (tm). YOU DONT DESERVE A COOL KNIGHT.

-valerie being direct with sam and challenging her? kinda love that, even tho I normally don't like 'catfight' type situations. because sam has been very passive aggressive about it which is annoying. valerie knows wtf she wants and wasn't even embarrassed to tell sam, but she did tell her, giving sam time to make her own move! and sam denied it and got embarrassed/mad! and sam did have a chance when danny was about to go off and fight, and she hesitated and didn't tell him. I feel like she's hesitating because they're friends and it might make it weird between the trio (poor tucker would be third-wheeling) but if u snooze u lose, u gotta GO after what u WANT girl. smh this is a No Tsundere Zone. 😤

[hasquetzorkukudoneanythingwrong]

The kids pt 2

BB: we're back all you weirdos that enjoy senpai's blog! Here again to show you the kiddos with this convoluted lore dump of post Chaldea life for senpai and his family!

Mari: please, stop talking in such a stupid way...

BB, ignoring her: a lots happen since the last time we did this! We even learned where lovely lil Maria's name came from. And daaaaww, wasn't that a sweet story?

Ed: BB, can we please get started? Sis is eyeing that water bottle and I'm afraid of what she'll do with it and our computer if you don't hurry.

BB: fine fine! Dang Mari you are just no fun huh? Anyways, just like before we're discussing the others who got a second chance at life and how they're viewed through the eyes of these two! So who first? How about, my lil darlings! The first 3 members of the Sakura 5!

Mari: why only the first 3?

BB: spoilers!

Mari: stupid. Well we've seen that Melt became a famous ice skating performer. We don't see her much but the few times we do it's pretty nice.

Ed: sometimes she acts like a big shot celebrity out in the open, but she seems more humble around us.

BB: yeah, that's melty for ya. I gave her a good amount of tsun! Have you seen the picture of her before this tho?

Mari: yeah... pretty weird. Why did you give her huge blades for legs and no hands?

BB: I guess it's just a part of my twisted lil personality!

Ed: and you wonder why Mom wants you gone from our computers.

Mari: and Lip seems happy, she's found love with someone, and her partner seems to truly love her. So that's nice.

Ed: and she's changed even more from before. No huge metal claws and a slimmer body.

Mari: again, wtf BB?

BB: pls stop asking me questions.

Ed: and Protea is also happily in a more normal body then before. But for her it was just too big.

Mari: she still acts like a Kaiju sometimes.

BB: yes, those three are in such happy lives. As their mother I'm so happy for them.

Mari: stop lying or I'm pouring root beer all over the computer.

BB: do not! Moving devices is a pain in the ass!

BB: *sigh* anyways, whose next? Hmmm... what about lil miss Gorgon?

Mari: we don't see her much, the only times we do she's forcefully dragged by mom and her friends.

Ed: and she's always hiding her face and such. She has self esteem issues for some reason.

BB: yeah, and those reasons are called "Stheno" and "Euryale"

Mari: such shitty sisters. Where do they get off messing with 'Dusa about her height?

BB: who knows?

Ed: she isn't even that tall... mom's taller and she's never self conscious.

BB: have you not heard the heaps of praise your father gives her about that?! It's so much I get sick hearing it!

Mari: oh be quiet! What I wouldn't give to have such a beautiful relationship!

Ed: woah! This is the first time hearing you say something like that!

Mari: ...well yeah... when I was young I kinda did that silly kid thing of being grossed out by their affection. It was so much I honestly thought they overdid it in front of us just to mess with us. But growing up... and seeing them still like that and the old videos from Chaldea and how everyone else talks about them... that's real genuine love! I hope one day to find a partner like that.

Ed: yeah, I'm so happy we were born into a genuinely loving family! Sometimes I hear stories of kids born because their parents thought it'd save their relatives, when they should've gone to therapy or something instead!

BB: this conversations nice and all but can we get back on topic? It's almost time for you to walk the lil mutts.

Mari: right... now who?

BB: well speaking of mutts, what about that lil dog Lobo?

Ed: lil!? He's huge! Biggest wolf I've ever seen!

Mari: and they said he was bigger back in chaldea too! Like holy crap!

BB: yeah, he got huge.

Mari: now he's at this wolf sanctuary and seems to be fine with humans now.

Ed: yeah, and he's found a nice mate again. White just like La Blanca!

Mari: you think he used his grail wish to be reunited with her? And she's the same wolf?

BB: why wouldn't that be cute? Anyways, let's do one last servant. Hmmm... actually! Why don't you talk about your dear 'ol mother?

Mari: mom? OK, I guess technically that'd fit.

Ed: well after she reincarnated she became a famous luchadora! She was an unstoppable force in the ring!

Mari: yeah, she was unbeatable! Never suffering a single defeat for her whole career!

BB: buuuuut! She retired! Care to say why?

Ed: well... after she became pregnant with us... she had to leave the ring.

Mari: and... the responsibility of taking care of us didn't allow for time to return to fighting... so she hasn't come back since.

BB: yeah, that's the thing about childcare, it can get in the way of other things.

???: BB, you better not be messing with the children!

Mari: oh hey mom!

Ed: what's going on?

Quetz: it's time to walk the dogs, come on your father's already outside!

Mari: crap! Sorry!

Ed: we're going now!

After the kids went out, Quetz had more words for the ai.

Quetz: you just can't help but try to mess around huh?!

BB: all I did was tell the truth! Can't control their reactions!

Quetz: do this again and I'm burning every device you've been in! I don't care if we lose some data, you're gone if you go too far!

BB: fine! Don't need to take it that far!

Quetz: this is you were dealing with here

Rex, from outside: mi corazon! Come on!

Quetz: coming!

Quetz then goes outside to join the family

A/N: more of the kiddos. Along with what Quetz got up to in between this and Chaldea. BB can get a bit too Mischievous at times.

Tags

@hasereshdoneanythingwrong @hasishtardoneanythingwrong @haspaulbunyandoneanythingwrong @haskamadoneanythingwrong @hasbbdoneanythingwrong @hasnightingaledoneanythingwrong @hasabbydoneanythingwrong @hasspartacusdoneanythingwrong @nureenarts @kierakaz @valiantstrawberrymilk

[babyspacebatclone]

I am not making any of this up, only altering minor details as necessary that may be too identifiable.

It is long, so for sanity, full dets under the cut.

TL;DR: Whoever’s writing this crap (aka my life) is a hack, and needs to stop relying on the “medical emergency” trope for preventing my job from having a functioning level of staff.

Context: I work at a daycare center in the Midwest of the USA. It is not a chain; however, the owners own multiple centers in the area. Combined we would count as a large business, so of course that’s not how it is on the books (means they can work us longer before overtime, etc).

At the beginning of our story, there were three open centers. AC, the “flagship” center, with a director who is part of the owner’s family. BC North and BC South were purchased next, and, how can I nicely say it…. Half a step up from Ghetto? I am not joking, when I was working at BCN and my mom visited, she said she wanted to pull me out of there. BCN functions, barely; BCS is a few blocks away, and despite the owner’s insistence should never be reopened in my terrified opinion - never has had staff the 5 years it’s been under them, fortunately. CC has been open for 40 years, and purchased by the owners when the previous owner retired three years ago. I work at CC now, and hands down the best place just because we have a functioning director, which enables us to keep functioning staff (half of which were under the previous owner).

At the beginning of the year 2021, none of the three open centers had enough staff. We advertise openings like crazy, but it’s hard underpaid work. So what does my brilliant *cough* owner do?

Buy two buildings in two different nearby cities to convert into new centers. Because he thinks he can get more staff if he’s hunting in new cities??? idk

Not buy two new centers like he’s done previously, with existing enrolled children and staff - two non-daycare buildings to convert.

Note: I talk about “older” and “younger” rooms in this. By licensing, children are in a specific age group based on chronological age, with some overlap to allow for development (e.g. At 16 months, an infant can be a toddler, but you can also delay until 18 months without paperwork). My center has enough physical rooms we further separate infants and preschoolers by development/sanity; toddlers are in one single room. Also, “Lead” teachers are the ones in charge and have extra paperwork; assistant level teachers (like me) can also run a room but are more likely to go crazy if left unsupported (like me). Aides are considered unskilled enough that they can’t be alone with kids, unless there’s a pandemic going on and we’re just trying to have any warm body in a room….

So, that’s the context of this insanity before March 2021, when the lead teacher who was on maternity leave returned to my center and I assumed we could settle down into a stable pattern for a second.

I am a naïve idiot.

First we lose two experienced full-time positions, a preschool lead teacher and the kitchen/support staff, who are both leaving to move closer to their (different) families because personal reasons. Understandable. We have a new teacher-level staff we can have work the younger preschool kids with our returned (excellent) older preschool lead. Our director will just - do the kitchen work until we can find a new kitchen worker…. I guess? 🤷‍♀️ We’re also training staff to work the ancient dishwasher to help…

At this point CC officially implements a “no new children” policy. We will still accept the children we already promised a position before (mostly infants), and older preschool has a lot of kids leaving for kindergarten throughout the summer (as some parents stop day care during their own summer vacations). We can… Manage.

And our best part-time assistant teacher graduates and moves, but ok.

And then our second-best assistant teacher get a job in her field… ok…

And then the pregnant Toddler assistant teacher is put on bedrest for a month we are praying for her…

Ok two new hires, one an Aide but with experience excellent…

. What. No seriously what.

So, the director of AC is - long term sick. I won’t share details. This leaves us with two directors for three centers (Ideally, we would have four; one’s supposed to be Executive Director…). Here, logic is (strangely) applied and BCN is closed down and the children that chose to stay with the owners are moved to AC. Considering they had, I think, three total staff (one for each age group) not counting the Executive Director that had been covering that insanity…..

(We are also under the impression that the owner is stalling construction on those other two centers-to-be, but with our owner who knows….)

Anyway, the three staff will be helping at the other centers - specifically, the Toddler staff will work some days at AC and some days with is at CC, which is awesome because the Toddlers are drop dead insane right now.

Not joking. We have a biter in remission, an older girl with an attitude and her younger sister that had to move up with her when 16 months because the mobile infant room is packed but my young infant room had movers that had to change rooms, there’s a pack of three boys who just egg each other on, the leader of that pack was visiting preschool but started using the N word at relevant children (obviously, we have zero tolerance for that…), and the two youngest just-moved toddlers are screamers (they got better in the mobile room… they’ve regressed…).

And it’s 16 Toddlers (depending on the day) crammed into one area (that can be divided into two play areas, fortunately), at a 7 to 1 staff ratio.

So what happens last week? That Toddler teacher gets sick. Then goes to the hospital. Then, I am not joking wtf, leaves a vague text message to my director about a surgery I can’t even…

I just. What.

The Mobile Infant Room has a casual biter. Like, there is no provocation, this kid (who is giant and all muscle) just crawls up to kids and bites. The other 10 babies in there are generally ok-ish, but I don’t know how they are surviving.

Both preschools are…. Well, better than the Toddler room now that the one child is taking the summer before Kindergarten off praise whatever deity you worship hallelujah. Still have kids that need breaks in the director’s office but not as often.

My room, which is now 6 infants ages 3 to 6 months, is my default the easiest to manage.

And 4 of these 6 babies come in between 7:45 and 8:15 (the other two earlier), all want a bottle between 8:30 and 9:00 (we have two staff and policy is one bottle per staff…) and some of these kids take 20-30 minutes for a bottle (do the math)…..

But by about 10am we’re settled and we generally have them ready to wait for the next round of bottles staggered…

And the projectile spitter-upper is improving! They’re only spitting up about 1.5 oz a day, instead of multiple 2 oz random attacks!! 😊

………. My brain is mush send help.

[unremarkable-house]

Dream Journal #2

this dream sucked.

ugh. this dream was a doozy, not because it was objectively horrible, but because it was so vivid, ended with me remembering my mother was dead, and was the last dream i had before i woke up, so the nasty vibe of it rolled over into my morning mood. 

it started with me in a car with an acquaintance -- someone i can have a polite chat with when we pass each other at the market, but i’ve never hung out with her and i’m pretty sure we have nothing in common and actually i think she kinda sucks. i barely think about this person so what the heck is she doing in my dreams?? however, we are going to the mall! which is weird enough considering there isn’t a mall anywhere near where i live. but i guess since i have been online window shopping recently, my brain really wanted to go buy some new joggers in person? 

we get to the nearby tourist town (where there is definitely no mall) and go the rest of the way by bike. as in, she’s pedaling and i’m hanging on for dear life in the back bc she is going really fast!!!! but right before we got on the bike, i clearly remember this moment where i toss my phone into her car and think, oh i don’t really need this!!! spoiler alert, i really, really did. 

so ride the bike for a long time, going super fast, until we get to the mall, which is very, very far away from home. we go inside and are separated for a bit while i shop until i find her at the dressing rooms. and it’s right then that she decides to tell me that she isn’t here to shop, she’s here to work her seven hour shift. and i’m like what??? i thought we were shopping together slash wtf am i supposed to do here alone for seven hours while you work??? but she is completely indifferent. so dream me starts to get a bit fretful and angry. 

and i’m like, fuck this, i don’t want to be here anymore, i don’t even like malls, i have no way to get home, and i’m mad that this chick totally misled me. and i’m extra pissed i don’t have my cell phone to call my husband for a ride. so i storm off to look for a payphone. 

it takes forever to find one, but eventually i find a bank of strange looking payphones so i go give them a try. i have a moment of panic about not having any money, but luckily when i shake my pocket, there is just enough change!! okay! better make this count. 

of course the payphones don’t work though. they are actually fake toy payphones. one is just broken and the other tells your fortune. i use up my change trying to make them work. and i’m getting very angry while this happens. especially because i take a moment to ask a mall employee for help and he keeps telling me, yes, these are the payphones! 

the other problem is that i can’t remember my husband’s cell phone number and the only number i can remember is my parent’s home phone number. so i’m thinking, what the hell, i’ll just call my mom and she’ll call my husband or something. i think i was just desperate to call anyone bc i’m getting fucking sick of being at this mall and i’m feeling trapped and angry. 

i leave the toy payphones to look for real payphones, weaving through this way-too-packed mall and asking anyone i can for help, but everyone ignores me. everyone. this just enrages me more. i probably start screaming at them bc i scream a lot in my nightmares. 

eventually, i get to the entrance of the mall where there is an attached CVS, so i go in hoping that an employee will let me use their store phone, but the lights are off and the guys behind the counter eating snacks say the store is closed and they can’t help me. of course this just makes me even more mad! i need help! i just want to call my mom!! if i can call my mom, everything will be okay and we can figure out how to get me home!!! i’m completely freaking out at this moment, overwhelmed by how far from home i am and how no one will help me!!! 

then my brain does this crazy snap-back thing where i’m retracing my route all the way back to the car and then all the way back to my parent’s house where i’m inside but it’s that eerie, super-still, golden hour moment where the dust motes are suspended in rays of light. i remember something is not right. the phone is ringing and it’s me on the other end trying to reach my mother. and it’s then that i remember she’s not there. she’s dead. she can’t pick up the phone and she can’t help me.

snap-back to me outside the mall where i’m standing in the middle of a throng of people as they exit the mall, overwhelmed by the realization that she’s gone, keening in my grief mixed with the already horrible, angry feeling of being trapped at this mall with no one to help me.

and then i wake up, with all of those emotions still raging in my heart. 

[suckitsurveys]

Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? We were meeting for the first time in person and I wasn’t expecting anything to happen really because we lived so far away from each other but we had a mini date and he took me to play pool and after one of my turns he came up to me and kissed me so I kissed him back. And 10 years later here we are. 

Do you care what people think? To a very tiny extent. Are you listening to music? If so, what is it? Nope. Do you like to take walks? Yes. Would you ever date someone out of state? I have in the past. 

Plans for tonight? Celebrating being fully vaxxed! Do you want to go to a party? Not during a pandemic.  Has your birthday past this year? No, it’s not until September. Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Yeah. Will this year be better then last? 2020 was a dumpster fire but the vaccine is giving me some hope. Can you listen to music while reading a book? I don’t know.  Are Monday mornings the hardest mornings to wake up to? Yes. Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Sure, but I wouldn’t change anything. Last thing you ate? Hashbrowns. Who was the last person’s voice you heard? Mark’s. Who do you get along with best in your family? My dad. How old do you think you’ll be when you get married? I was 27, almost 28. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yes. Who were you last on the phone with? My work. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yes. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? Yes. Can you commit to one person and one person only? Yup. Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Yup. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? Yes. Do you miss your past? Some of it. Are you typically a happy person? Yeah, in general. Do you miss the way things used to be between you and someone else? Yes. Who last made you smile? My kitties. Can you recall the last time you sincerely liked someone a lot a lot? Right now. Is there a difference between love and being in love? Yeah. Where is your Mother? Tennessee. She passed 8 years ago and that’s where her final resting place is.  Have you ever laid on a couch with the opposite sex? Yes. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Both seem nice. If you could change one thing this year about your life, would you? Uh, yeah. The fucking pandemic would be over.  Did you sleep alone last night? Nope. Does it matter to you if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? No. Do you like potato chips? Yeah.  Are you ticklish? Yes. Craziest place you have slept? On the floor of a gymnasium? Have you ever been cheated on? Not that I know of. Can you count on anyone to be there for you, always? Yeah. Do you think being “heart broken” is as bad as people say? It is. Romantically or not. I’m guessing you’ve probably been asked this before, but which do you prefer - Coca Cola, or Pepsi? Root Beer. Do you think the last person you texted is a virgin? (You don’t have to tell us who the person is, just say yes or no.) He’s not. Has your phone ever gone off in the middle of a class at school? It went off in my locker in high school once and it was so loud you could hear it in the classroom I was in (my locker was right outside this classroom). I recognized my ringtone and was like “I think that’s me” and the teacher got so pissed because phones were supposed to be off. It was my mom calling me, wtf!

In your phone’s contacts, who is the second person listed under the letter ‘R’? My phone’s in the other room but it’s probably a Rachel. What is that person’s favourite drink? No idea. Has the last person you texted, ever been in your bedroom? We share a bedroom.  The last time you washed your hair, did you use conditioner? Yes. Do you prefer light or dark jeans? Dark. Do you have an item of clothing that reminds you of someone? Tell me about it, and the person it reminds you of. I have a lot of those.  If the last girl you texted told you that she was pregnant, how would you respond? I mean, I wouldn’t be SUPER surprised but she hasn’t expressed wanting kids ever. I’d be excited and happy though! How old is the last male you texted? 36. How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? Well. Considering she’s dead.... Who do you have the most text messages from? Sarah or Ellen.  When was the last time you visited the doctor? It’s been a while. The last place I wanna be right now is somewhere other sick people have been.  Do you know anyone who deserves to be slapped? Why? Yes because he’s a fucking piece of fucking shit.  When you listen to music, do you generally sing along, or just listen? Definitely depends.  Do you have any of your exes as friends on Facebook? Nope. Would you have sex with the last person that poked you on Facebook? That’s not a thing anymore and hasn’t been for a long time, but I’m still going to say no, unless that person was Mark. Does more than one person like you? Not that I am aware of. Who is the youngest person in your household? When is that person’s birthday? Me. Sept 2nd. Who was your first love? Do you ever miss that person? No. What is a word that starts with the second to last letter of your name? Avalanche. Do you like your middle name? I do. Would you ever visit a psychic? Nah. You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? No one in particular. It’s usually Ellen or Mark; those are the only people I really message via FB. Let’s say I was going to make you something to eat, what would you like? :) I’m not super hungry but since you’re cooking I’ll take some crab legs.  And what drink would you like with that? Root beer. Do you know anyone with the same first name as you? Tell me about him/her. I know of a couple people but I’m not super close to them. If your hair is long, would you ever think about having it cut short? Or, if it’s short, would you like to grow it long? I’ve had it really long and really short and I like it in the middle. Can you remember the last time you felt emotional? What was the reason? I feel that way a lot, especially during this pandemic. Do you call your partner ‘baby’? Yes. What if you were told that your life has to stay exactly as it is right now, and nothing will ever change? How would you feel about that? Yeah I would fucking hate that. This pandemic already feels like it’s never gunna end and I just wanna cry 24/7.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #293

“your head upon a stick would look really sick, but they would call me crazy for the way i spoke to it”

Hey bitch, what's your fucking name? What a start, jc lmao. Brittany. What color are your nails? They're not painted. Last time you got some ass? Well this survey's gonna be a journey. Many years ago. Do your parents like your style/music choices? Yeah, at least most of it. Some music my mom really doesn't like or just hates, while I can't even imagine Dad's reaction to some bands I enjoy. Ever seen your parents make out? tbh would rather slam my ankle on a Razor scooter. What's your dream height and weight? Forget about my height, if I could just be at least 120 again... Do you put your hair up a lot or down? It's too short to put up. Most of the time do you straighten or curl your hair? Neither. What do you do when your house loses power? Light a bunch of candles and carry flashlights. What piercing do you hate? I'm not a fan of cheek piercings. Were you raised in a religious house? Yes. I grew up going to Sunday school and church, even though I hated both. Do your parents get mad when you're on the computer for hours? Gah... it was a very, very big source of argumentative fuel between Mom and me all the way up to my late teenage years when she just gave up; now, it's to be expected and is completely "normal." I always wanted to be on the computer once I was introduced to it; she tried to limit my time on it, and it was without fail what she would take away whenever I was grounded. I'd even sneak onto it when I wasn't allowed to if she wasn't home and Dad was in their room. My mom really did try to keep me from being hooked on technology, she really did, it just didn't work, but dear god I wish it did. I just about turn into a caveman without some form of it, and it's pretty pathetic. Dad meanwhile has never really cared much, but he'd make a comment here and there that would make me self-conscious about it. Have you ever been asked for a nude picture? No, and guess who would be ignored for the rest of their lives if they did. It's so fucking disrespectful and objectifying to me. If someone wants to send a partner something like that by their own volition, that's cool, but asking, that just seems incredibly rude to me and turns the person into an object of lust. Ever been so scared you pissed? Caaan't say I have. Can you watch scary movies at night and not be scared? Yeah, they've never really fazed me. Last reason you got your cell taken away? I actually don't know if that's ever happened, given the aforementioned computer thing. I was never hooked on my phone. Could you handle working on a farm? Nooooo, that is way too much physical exertion. Have you ever been attacked by an animal? No. Have you ever had to put an animal to sleep? ugh Do you have a favorite type of firework? Well, visually I really just like the big colorful ones, but I don't endorse the use of fireworks anymore. Some animals literally die from fear, they can be seriously upsetting to veterans with PTSD (you could have one in your neighborhood and never know you indirectly gave them a panic attack), and they're a large source of litter. Where would/did you get your first tattoo? My right wrist. What's your favorite kind of pet? Snakes. Favorite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is obviously the coolest. It's always been my fave. How many pets do you have? Sigh, just two. Our landlord doesn't want us to get anymore pets than what we came in with. What were two of your favorite Disney movies as child? The Lion King and Finding Nemo. They're still my favorite Disney movies. When carving pumpkins, how do you decide what you're going to do? I haven't carved a pumpkin in years... so idk. Do you own any art supplies? Some, yeah. Do you believe you have a higher IQ than most? Definitely not. What is the name of the doctor that delivered you? I have no clue. Mom knows him for sure because she's mentioned him from my childhood, but I don't. Have you ever seen a Lamborghini in person? Hunny, I live in rural North Carolina. You don't see that level of bougie here lmao. Shane Dawson: funny or annoying? I honestly think he's fucking hilarious. I just have such conflicting feelings about him after "the drama," hearing so many people's opinions (particularly from those who know him so well, like his fiance and Ryland's sister), fact checking, audio cutting and mixing, the whole "people change" philosophy... I don't know. When you have a container of Neapolitan ice cream, what flavor do you leave for last? I ain't touchin' strawberry. Gross. If you could choose to have any superpower ever, what would you pick? I'd wanna be a shapeshifter/druid. What would you be more embarrassed to buy: sex toys or adult diapers? Yikes, sex toys. Given my age, I'd say if I bought adult diapers, people would assume they weren't for me. I'm awkward enough with all things relating to sex to begin with, so. What’s the biggest animal you’ve ever killed? Yo wtf I never have and never will (intentionally) kill an animal. Well, correction: I've killed bugs before, the biggest probably being some spider or something, but I really try to avoid this now. Could you win the Hunger Games? lol hell to the fuck no, have you seen me??? For you, would getting amnesia be a good thing? ... Maybe? Not saying I wanna find out, though. Have you ever been punched in the face? No, plan on keeping it that way. Is morality universal or relative? I question this myself. Who is your favorite late night talk show host? I don't have one. Where do you put your keys when you get home? They stay in my purse. Do you prefer hot coffee or iced coffee? Neither. The sheer variety of questions relating to coffee and tea in surveys boggles my mind, always feel left out that I can't answer 'em lmao. What’s your phone background picture? My lock screen is this pretty, soft aesthetic screen that has "i am strong, i am loved, i am enough" written in the center. I've really needed it for my mental health lately. My home screen is some meerkats. I know, can you believe neither are currently Mark? Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? Plenty. How do you cope with anxiety? Deep breathing, mindfulness and grounding exercises, confiding in my mom, listening to music (usually my favorite calm, instrumental soundtracks, like from the Silent Hill franchise - particularly the second game! - or Shadow of the Colossus), try to nap, play a game as a distraction, watch my favorite YouTubers (typically something funny)... I'm lucky to have learned a lot. Now, if only I could cope with social anxiety... What was the last takeout food you ate? Oh Jesus, how embarrassing is this timing, seeing as it was one of my unhealthiest fast food orders: Son of the Baconator and Baconator fries from Wendy's. It was so fuckin good tho. Who makes you laugh the most? My friend Girt. What does a successful relationship look like to you? One with great communication and total honesty, and when you are able to build each other up and bring out the best in your partner. It's also imperative for you to feel safe being your authetic safe for me to consider it "successful." What do you like to put on your baked potato? "Salt, pepper, butter, cheese, bacon bits." <<<< That's how we do it, lads. What was the most memorable birthday you’ve had? My 16th, but not for good reasons. Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains? That's easy as hell, mountains. I don't like the beach. Do you look in the mirror before you leave the house? Yeah. Not gonna like what I see no matter what, but I'd like to make sure I don't look worse whan what's normal. Have you ever seen someone quit their job in a dramatic way? No. What do you like to dip your fries in? It varies between ketchup and honey mustard. What’s your favorite kind of museum? Science. Do you believe in alternate universes? Nah, I don't think so. Whose house did you last visit? My older sister's. What games do you play on your smart phone? Mostly just Pokemon GO nowadays. I haven't touched Dragons of Atlantis in a long time... Do you know anyone who is colorblind? Jason's older brother is red/green colorblind, I think? Are you the youngest, middle or eldest child in your family? Middle. What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? Ugh, I need to finish decorating my damn room... Got most of the stuff on the walls now, but it's still pretty skeletal in self expression. My motivation is abysmal. Have you ever flown a kite? Oh yeah, I loved to fly a kite with Dad as a little kid when the tobacco field just across the road was barren. Who was the last person you talked about sex/relationships with? My doctor. How many brothers does your father have? I'm almost certain he doesn't have one, just one sister. Do you think you act older or younger than your actual age? It depends on the situation. When it comes to "adulting," I don't have a fuckin clue what I'm doing. I doubt anyone would believe I'm a month shy of 25. In terms of general maturity, I think I act my age, if not older. When was the last time you swam in a pool? It's been years. What are your parents' views on your relationships? Mom is always very supportive so long as they treat me right; she's taken to all my previous partners very well and treated them like family, too. My dad is also supportive as long as I'm treated properly and happy. Is your best friend dating anyone? No. Have you ever babysat before? Twice, but not really willingly. Way too stressful. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? It took a very, very long time, but all pictures with Jason are forever deleted. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? Not a huge crush, no. Ever watched porn? No. You do you, but I don't see the appeal of watching some random people fuck. Ever performed in a talent show? No. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? Nope. How many celebrity crushes have you had? I'd say Jesse McCartney, Link Neal, and Mark Fischbach are my only BIG celeb crushes I've had. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? I dunno, don't feel like reaching back and counting. Ever been compared to a celebrity? Not visually, but with my adoration of animals. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? Oh, I'm sure. None that are horribly embarrassing though, or else I would have deleted them. Ever seen a therapist? I've regularly seen a therapist since the 6th grade. Ever purposely ignored a text? Yep. A Facebook message? Sure have, when I was beyond done arguing with a former friend. A friend request? No, I just decline or accept it. My page is private, so you can't see my activity, and it's not like they get notified if it's declined, Would you say you read into things too much? I am the fucking sovereign of this. If you turned out exactly like your mom would you be pleased? I love my mom to death, but no. I'd be disappointed. Ever had a credit card denied? I've never had one in the first place. Ever had the lead in a play? No. I do remember though in elementary school, I was real bummed that I wasn't Snow White for one we did for Music class. What about a solo in a concert? Never been in a concert. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? Well. One, she's long past menopause. Two, because of ovarian cancer, she had all those organs removed. So, that would be impossible. Have you ever had a threesome? No; I'm personally strictly monogamous and would feel it to be disloyal, even if my parnter was okay with it. What's the last game you used dice for? Not a clue. Are you interested in surfing at all? Have you ever been? No. What brand of bottled water do you prefer? Essentia. What is your favorite type of bird? Barn owls. What is your favorite chocolate candy? motherfuckin REESE'S Have you ever been called a racial slur? No, considering I'm Caucasian. Why did you last stand in line? I was at the doctor's office, I think? What is your favorite pirate movie? /shrug What is your favorite character from Orange Is the New Black? I've never watched it. What was the most unsettling film you’ve seen? Watching the ending to Paranormal Entity was VERY uncomfortable. It was a decently scary movie, but the ending was seriously intense. When was the last time you were snooping, and found something you wish you hadn’t? I don't recall. Which celebrity or band has the worst fan base? I don't know. What are you interested in that most people aren’t? The sheer degree of my love for meerkats would definitely be missed by probably most people. What smartphone feature would you actually be excited for a company to implement? I dunno. Anything I could think of, the most current products probably already have and I'm just uninformed of them. Like, I use a Tracfone lmao. What’s something people don’t worry about but really should? Their plastic usage and disposal. I'm certainly no saint when it comes to plastic either, but I try to do all I can. What movie quotes do you use on a regular basis? Hm, ARE there any? Do you think that children born today will have better or worse lives than their parents? This depends on what you consider "better" and "worse." Environmentally, I honestly don't think mankind can maintain itself for that many more generations at the rate we're currently at, so that's probably just gonna keep getting worse. On the other hand, advances in medicine and things like that will certainly continue to improve quality of life in that sense. Human rights are getting better and better. I do fear that we're becoming too comfortable with laziness and convenience, but I hope that's a decline we don't continue to venture down. What’s the funniest actual name you’ve heard of someone having? I had a college classmate named Apple. Which charity or charitable cause is most deserving of money? Oh, come on now. It's not a competition. What game have you spent the most hours playing? So. When you type /played in World of Warcraft, it will show you your total playtime, and mine is YIKES. Like, around a year's worth of time of pure playing since 2014, I think. What’s the most comfortable bed or chair you’ve ever been in? I don't recall. What’s the hardest you’ve ever worked? When I did WiiFit religiously and lost around 40 pounds in HS. I was in the best shape of my life. What movie, picture, or video always makes you laugh no matter how often you watch it? Oh, there's certainly something. Probably some Unus Annus clip. That channel was a fucking blessing and a curse all the same. If you could have an all-expenses paid trip to see any famous world monument, which monument would you choose? Oh boy, I'd have to think, but probably somewhere in Rome or Greece. What’s the coldest you’ve ever been? I'm unsure. Probably jumping in the pool as a kid. My sisters and I would nag Dad to put the pool up on like the very first day of spring, so of course it was cold, but as a kid, I didn't mind that. What’s the most ridiculous thing you have bought? Hm. What’s the most depressing meal you’ve eaten? Ha ha yiiiikes, struggle foods... I don't know, but I've had some. What outdoor activity haven’t you tried, but would like to? Herping, though I change my mind on-and-off about it. I'm not very into the idea of disturbing wildlife just because they're cool and you wanna check them out. I'd totally go exploring with a camera, though, and not actually pick anything up. If you were given five million dollars to open a small museum, what kind of museum would you create? Hm... I actually think something like an art museum for the mentally ill would be pretty interesting and educational? Even something that could build empathy. Maybe mix some psychology in there to understand conditions.

[dumbdancemomssideblog]

S1E1: The Competition Begins

okie dokie first ever episode of dance moms rewatch starts now :0 i actually remember watching this the very first time it aired on lifetime because i was channel surfing and saw a commercial for it earlier that day. that was the summer between 8th and 9th grade. ah memories... i didnt know what to expect because i did dance when i was a kid but not on a competition team and it was mostly ballet so i was pretty unfamiliar with this whole world. 

anyway lets begin. this is probably gonna be a longer post than what i’ll end up writing for the other episodes in season 1 bc the first episode introduces so much info, just a heads up

Act 1: (aside: yes its insufferable to divide this into “acts” when its really just like “segments separated by commercial breaks” but thats how they’re called in actual tv scripts so im just going with that cuz i cant think of a better/easier way uwu)

god this is so fucking early 2010s lmao

i miss these days where they were just talented nobodies from pittsburgh on a low budget reality tv show that nobody even knew would be successful. and the bad hair and makeup but idk if that was also just a 2011 thing lol

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES GREEN SCREEN INTROS IM DYING

the chalkboard !!!! they werent doing the pyramid on the mirror yet 

(apparently abby never did anything similar to the pyramid thing but the producers made her and it became a whole Thing on the show and thats why the moms were like wtf is this bullshit the first week)

mackenzie looks like a toddler. chloe is so tiny. theyre the 2 who changed the most physically over the course of the show

i remember watching this for the first time being used to ballet lyrical and jazz but never having done or really seen acro/gymnastics in dance choreo and being SO flabbergasted. i was thinking “a chin stand is not dancing what the actual hell” and yknow what? i was right

melissa: “my boyfriend knows how much i spend on dance because he signs the checks...............hermehhemrherrmehermh” (the most awkward laugh omg)

maddie is wearing a fucking bumpit in her hair i cannot

melissa deadass just said out loud “im here for my daughter im not here to make friends” ok everybody mark that one off on your catty women’s reality tv show bingo card!

camera man accidentally getting in the shot filming right in front of the huge wall-mirror.... what is this, amateur hour? i’ll let it slide since its the first day of filming rehearsal but step it up, boys

aw i forgot about maddie getting sick and crying :/ poor kid

melissa saying “i cant stand a chid that’s sick” sounds so edited like the intonation made it seem to me like they just cut her off mid-sentence i love lifetime

oh this was still when they were wearing normal stuff to class/rehearsal like black leotards bc they werent getting sent a trillion crazy 2-piece dancewear outfits for free yet bc they werent famous, man those were the days

Act 2:

[obligatory b-roll footage of downtown pittsburgh] 

the maddie chloe paige trio !!!! this is making me feel so nostalgic

“knees together, paige. you’re bow-legged, you need to fix that”

“you’re tall, you’re skinny, you’re a beautiful girl, you can do better than this. FOCUS” shes like 10 abby what the hell

“people think im tough and i guess i am but i would rather be the one to make your kid cry in the privacy of my studio than at an open-call audition in front of hundreds of people”

okay unpopular opinion alert: i agree with a lot of what abby says about stuff like this but her delivery is flawed, to but it euphemistically, that being said i think the production team of the show and the fame inflating her ego changed all of this somewhere over the course of the second season and its really sad to see :/ i can expand on that thought later tho

aw paige crying bc abby correcting her (but not saying anything personal or out of line, just technique corrections (at based on what we were shown, we dont know everything she said oop)) shes a sensitive kid she never should have been put on this show :( 

paige looks exactly like her mom i didnt realize that before

nia and holly were done so dirty throughout the whole series in terms of the narrative the producers set up about nia being the weakest link :/ 

Act 3:

cathy’s entire involvement in the show from the very beginning was so painfully obviously scripted (or at least heavily staged) 

vivi was also done dirty by the show’s narrative and she was only 6 and they presented her as like the butt of the joke bc her mom’s “character” was crazy and also she wasnt good at dance. i wonder how she feels about the show now that shes a teenager hmm. she really seemed not to give a fuck about dance for better or for worse when she was a kid tho so maybe she doesnt care ?

in what universe would an owner of another competitive dance studio bring her own kid to another studio more than an hour’s drive away, AND be under the impression that she could compete with them in a week, especially when they showed the kids’ and moms’ shocked reaction at the start of the episode to having to learn a dance in a week and compete it? like really what is the point of cathy and vivi being a part of this show im so ????

Act 4: 

THE MINISTER DAWN OUTBURST HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THIS

this fight is about 50% of what got them a full season 1 and then things took off from there tbh. the other 50% was the electricity dance but thats a point for next episode..... :)

“you’re a minister act like one” “YOU’RE RIGHT I AM A MINISTER! LET’S PLAY THE BIBLE GAME ABBY, WHEN JESUS SAW THINGS THAT WERE WRONG HE WENT AFTER THEM, AND YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DO THIS TO MY KID” ma’am i think the wrongs jesus addressed were of slightly more importance than a preteen being told she cant take a dance class if shes violating the studio’s dress code

this is so good bc it wasnt staged afaik and there are regular students all throughout the building just STARING at them like lmao what even is going on, so im pretty sure this is real???

regardless, yeah dont wear socks and a tshirt to an acrobatics class, thats common fucking sense

another cameraman-in-mirror sighting, but its hard to think about angles when filming spontaneous drama like this, so i wont count it against them

“you called me fat” (i remember that being in the episode but thats not on the episode available through lifetime on demand that im watching from my moms tv hmmmmmm) “i told you to close and tuck in your two-piece costume, theres a big difference. HOW CAN YOU REMEMBER THAT BUT YOU CAN’T REMEMBER TO TURN YOUR FEET OUT” uh scream

she really called the police on this woman i cannot handle this. can you imagine being a police officer responding to this call? 

“we have a parent thats out of control. pardon? no shes doesnt have weapons, just her mouth” iconic

im sorry im still not over the hair and makeup. the flat hair with the side bangs. the black pencil eyeliner applied all the way around the eye. why did any of us think this was a look :( why did we do this :(

Act 5:

they went all the way to phoenix to compete 3 numbers, only 2 of which are shown in the episode.

i think this is the only time they ever went to west coast dance explosion because its an actual competition and they wouldnt allow filming after this lol i think they did go to wcde one weekend in addition to a competition where they were filming but it wasnt shown or mentioned at all

abby not wanting brooke and paige to have a french manicure on stage if theyre the only ones in the group with the french tips is perfectly valid idk why it was framed as some crazy micromanaging shit

i also am really not a fan of the whole “high functioning alcoholic wine mom/crazy stage mom” schtick they were pushing for the first few episodes of this show

in retrospect i feel like so many of the quips in this episode were intentionally fucking crazy just to get the audience engaged enough to want to watch more episodes...

“see those girls down there, those girls with the legs? thats who you’re up against, so step it up”

abby warning them that its dangerous for their little party hats to slip when they’re doing aerials and pirouettes and stuff: “what if you were at radio city music hall and they had the ice rink out and you were doing a side aerial and fell 13 stories down and died, huh?” fantastic point abby thank you for saying that to 5 girls ages 8-12 less than 5 minutes before they went on stage. perfect time for a teaching moment like that :)

i forgot how bad the camera work was in the first few episodes for footage of their performances. like they really didnt think the show’s audience would actually want to watch the kids dance, the producers and editors thought we just wanted to see stage mothers yelling at each other lol

also the mic feed over the music of abby talking to herself giving them corrections while watching them dance on stage.... im so glad they quit doing that. i dont remember them doing it like that for any other episode, i hope im right

this choreo is very basic and its a cute dance i guess but its very cringe in some places and for the first episode this is such a forgettable group routine

their scandalized reaction to placing third and the sad piano music is so funny honestly

and maddies reaction in the interview which was almost definitely fed to her by the producers where shes like “i win all the time i dont really know what its like to LOSE i always win or get runner up” so many of maddies lines from season 1 interviews sound so fake and she was probably too naive to know they were getting her to say that stuff so they could paint her as a conceited brat (she was EIGHT)

the trio costume was so ugly im sorry (is it supposed to be like a 50s pinup bathing suit?) (and the headband thing looks so bad) and also the music is bad but they had no real authority over that bc of copyright stuff

chloe’s headpiece coming forward and the ensuing drama was another moment in the episode that really solidified public interest in the show imho.... 

“YOU’RE IN THE BAR HAVING A DRINK AND YOUR KID’S HEADPIECE IS FALLING OFF” “it did not FALL OFF it CAME FORWARD it was FINE!!!”

“mistakes happen, we’re human.” “YOU are. mistakes like that dont happen to me”

and then the “next time on dance moms” with the WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE electricity dance, of course. genuinely that was really smart of the producers in terms of structuring things to generate intrigue lol. and obviously it ended up working....

[onmywaytobe]

The Hunger Games Playlist

I’m sick in bed so it’s time to clear out my likes!! I was tagged by @ratracechronicler tysm (i love the unique way you went about doing this as well)

Rules: Put your music on shuffle and answer the following questions based on what songs you get.

1. This song is your reaping song:

"Beautiful With You” by Halestorm. WOW what an odd choice! Maybe I like...felt invisible without the Hunger Games but now that I’ve been chosen I feel seen? Interesting...

2. The next is when you say goodbye to your family.

"Hey, Soul Sister” by Train. That’s a big oof right there. Basically love you, miss you, I want to make you proud. So sad!!

3. The next is when you’re interviewed by Caesar.

“For Now” from Avenue Q. I had to look up the lyrics to this one and it is scarily appropriate. “Except for death and paying taxes, everything in life is only for now!” and “Life may be scary, but it’s only temporary” like??? YIKES I guess I went into this interview trying to be dark and funny lol

4. The next song is your theme song in the Games.

“Golden Days” by Panic! At the Disco. Now this is also very interesting, because it ends with saying “Right now our future’s certain/I won’t let it fade away” and the rest of the song is talking about glittery memories of old. So I’m quite confident that I’m going to win I guess? And someday the Hunger Games will be my “golden days”? Oh that’s quite dark.

5. The next is the song that plays when you make your first ally.

“Jet Pack Blues” by Fall out Boy. Okay so one of the first lines of the song is “I’m the last one that you’ll ever remember” so I’m definitely going to kill them later. Also there are the lines “Did you ever love her? Do you know?/Or did you never want to be alone?” so clearly I just wanted an ally and they trusted me and I killed them. Dang. 

6. The next is your first kill.

“Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” from Les Miserables. ONCE AGAIN WTF IS WITH THE ACCURACY FROM MUSICALS?? All my friends are dead and gone (presumably I killed my ally lol). I’m alone in the arena now. Jeeeez

7. The next is when you make the final kill.

“Some Nights” by Fun. Okay this is absolutely perfect. Like “Some nights I wish that this all would end/’cause I could use some friends for a change” followed by “some nights I always win/but I still wake up, I still see a ghost” plus the refrain of “what do I stand for?/most nights, I don’t know”. OH and the “So this is it? I sold my soul for this? I miss my mom and dad for this?” like COME ON. This is the perfect bittersweet, regretful, questioning song to end my vicious Games. 

8. The next is when you’re in the hovercraft post-win.

“Enemy Planet” by Steve Jablonsky (Ender’s Game movie soundtrack). I almost skipped this one bc it’s a movie score so I wasn’t sure how to talk about it. This is quite ominous and atmospheric, but we get some driving strings towards the end that almost sound triumphant. I think this is the reality of things setting in and looking ahead to going back home and dealing with the repercussions of winning the games. 

9. This is what plays when you accept your win.

“All About Soul (Remix)” by Billy Joel. I was struggling to make this fit so I’m going to take these lines: “It's all about joy that comes out of sorrow...Who's standing now and who's standing tomorrow/You've got to be hard...But that's only part, you know in your heart/It's all about soul”. I’m taking this to mean that I accept my win and also myself for the things that I did because they were necessary. I guess lol

10. This plays at the victory tour.

“Come What May” from Moulin Rouge! Now this is another very very interesting one. Basically it’s about how much I love someone, my life revolves around them, everything is perfect now. So I guess it’s about my relationship to the Games, going off my first song; I was chosen, I felt seen, and now my life is perfect bc I won. And I’ll always be grateful for that.

wow that’s very messed up I feel the need to add a disclaimer that I absolutely do not feel like this!! this is basically a character I’ve created based around these songs lol

I’m also going to tag the WHG friends, if you haven’t done it yet: @concealeddarkness13, @maple-writes, @nightskywriter 

and of course anyone else who’d like to do this is welcome! highly recommend 

(did i take this too seriously? probably. but did i have fun? abso-fricken-lutely)

[troybarnesbucky]

I woke up and decided to analyze each 9-1-1 pairing with regards to timing and also buddie

I just woke up and all im gonna say right now is this: this is long-winded but basically it takes a look at all the relationships on 9-1-1 and compare the timing and level of intimacy to that of buck and eddie’s relationship. 

at the end of season 1 of 911 I remember watching and realizing they were gonna push the whole bobby and athena relationship, and I was surprised, because I didnt think there was any preamble or much hinting to it. but I guess it made sense to me - they were both single, both in the same social circle, they got along. sure, made sense. and then season 2 comes along and they’re smack dab in the middle of their relationship and we have zero time to adjust to it as an audience, but once again, we quickly did (mind you, I did not watch it live as intently as a fan would, but I do recall a lot of episodes because my mom watches the show and I remembered a lot when I was catching up myself). at this point bobby and athena are happily married and I really do love them together, genuinely.

then, maddie comes along and there’s a bit more to the story. she has a lot going on, a lot she’s been through and we spend much of her first season getting to know her and watching her confront her past and create her own present. chimney had a bit of a rough start with relationships (.... tatiana, sorry love, but you could’ve had it all sis). her and chimney start out as friends but it’s very clear from their blossoming friendship that the writers intend for us to want a relationship for them, and we DO. because theyre adorable together and genuinely have so much chemistry and they’re good for one another. it’s a bit of a slowburn but we get there eventually, so much so that in the season 3 finale, we find out maddie is pregnant! which yes, did make me cry shut up. 

hen and karen had a rough start. even if they did look happy, they went through a ton of shit in the first and second season, especially the first season. which is fair; hen cheated on karen, and a large part of her storyline revolved around her ex and having to fight for denny. but there’s so much love between them, and a heavy history that is palpable through the screen. by the time season 2 comes around, they are a bit more grounded, and more so by the time season 3, too. it was interesting to think about their relationship is comparison to the others, which we watched blossom in real time. especially in season 3, because we see their love and support of one another during their attempt to have another child, and yes I also did cry when they met nia for the first time and no I will not elaborate. hen also went through a lot of shit this season; karen, despite what she went through, was and continues to be super wonderful and supportive, if a bit wary (but its okay because drunk karen and chim was a gift and we were well fed) for a second. their relationship is everything and also karen carries the whole show’s sense of humor on her back, I said what I said. 

then we have three more main relationships: michael and athena’s, which is over in episode 1; buck and abby (im not counting ali because genuinely she was in three episodes, im only looking at the main relationships for each character), which starts and ends in season 1; and eddie and shannon, which technically starts before season 1 and kinda ends in season 2 but then she dies. 

personally I dont think there’s much to add about michael and athena’s relationship. firstly, michael is a doll and if they hurt him in season 4 I will riot. but more so, the show gave us a LOT to work with in terms of their past relationship. also, it was interesting as a viewer, to learn about them from the bottom up. we see the tail-end of their romantic relationship and watch it get replaced with a genuine love and care for each other and their family. it’s a stark contrast to what a lot of shows on television would go for; it has a bit of rough, bumpy start, but by midway through season 2, they’re both on steady ground in terms of personal family life, and it’s actually a breath of fresh air. their dynamic is heavily surrounded by love for family, and we love love love that. 

I think with abby and buck we all liked it a little, at the start. buck was sweet to her and we see a change in attitude and an effort from buck that is clear to have never been made before. abby is also a pretty admirable character; she takes care of her mother, is incredible at her job as a dispatcher, and she struggles with maintaining personal relationships but still gives it a go with buck. and buck, from the start to end of the season, grows a lot, both independently from and surrounding their relationship. as a viewer I watched the show way later on, so I knew abby was leaving and honestly, I really did like her and their chemistry. as we go into season 2, we have buck, who is still living in abby’s place, and then the introduction of eddie.

so here’s the thing; this is where I was trying to get to. the show (the writers) made and continue to make interesting character and relationship choices. with eddie and shannon, there is a very clear closeness and chemistry between them that yes, does get revamped for a little. there is also history, which is very important and can’t be disregarded. but more than anything, we are looking at timing in this meta. eddie comes along in season 2 and there are a lot of things happening: hen and karen are getting back to normal, athena and bobby are suddenly dating, buck and abby are - despite what buck thinks - very over, and chim is single and ready to pringle, plus maddie is new and freshly separated from d*ug. as we go through season 2, we see development with athena and bobby, very clearly on their way to a stable relationship and marriage. hen and karen are working through things, we don't really doubt their relationship either. both maddie and chimney are single, and they become friends, and we very quickly, as viewers, realize where the writers are taking us and what they want us to think. 

so now im gonna get on my clown shit when I talk about buck and eddie. specifically, regarding the writers and their timing and why I think they’re either really stupid or actually very smart.

listen, everyone loves slowburn. hell, I'm writing a buddie au that will probably end up being like, upwards of 80k words and it’s gonna be a slowburn. buck, at the beginning of season 2, is in denial. im not gonna go through details but I will say that like..... okay, he’s heartbroken and thats fair. eddie, through means of “what a man,” is introduced and within one fell swoop, buck is immediately jealous and then like, twenty four hours later, they’re besties. tea. totally fair. in terms of timing, especially regarding relationships, there really aren’t many things to note: buck goes through that weird thing with taylor kelly, eddie goes through his drama with shannon, and when shannon wants a divorce, it kinda all goes to shit. by the end of season 2, we have buck trying to move on (and also nearly dying by means of a firetruck but thats not my point but also writers wtf) and dating ali (guys how do you spell her name lol) while eddie deals with the aftermath of his (ex, technically but I don't know if its mean to say that) wife. there are more than a few moments between buck and eddie that hint to a potential romance and feelings, like the santa scene and multiple others. then, season 3 is very very interesting. 

buck and ally(? seriously I don't know) are broken up, eddie is focused on christopher and actually, also buck, and then the tsunami happens. there is also not much going on in terms of other relationships on the show; maddie and chim get their shit together while also having a crazy season starting and ending with talking about having kids with a brief intermission of “I cant say I love you” and nearly dying on both parts and albert appears lol (and then disappears, too?? wtf). athena and bobby are pretty cool, hen and karen are trying for kids and hen wants to be a doctor. we have some others, like josh, who go through too much shit for my liking and deserve better, and michael, who...... deserves the world. 

okay. cleared that up. but timing-wise, if we look at the writers and their regard for timing, then we see this: any time two characters are single and there’s an ounce of friendship even hinted, they end up together. fine, that’s fair to say because we’ve seen it, right? after the tsunami, which is a WHOLE OTHER thing im not getting into, we have the lawsuit, eddie fighting, lena bosko (yall can be mad but she was hella cool), hen killing that cello (I think) player, michael getting sick, wow this season was fucking insane holy shit.

but in terms of character relationships and timing, a lot goes on with buck and eddie. in this one season alone, we go from eddie being the first one to hug buck at his surprise party and christopher giving buck a card with “bff” on it, then buck almost dies (again) and eddie is, quite frankly, the only one who takes no crap from him after he quits and then the tsunami and buck literally tearing himself apart to find his best friend’s son and collapsing at the sight of them reunited and then “there’s no one I trust more with my son than you” (is that the quote, I don't know it by heart) and THEN heart eyes, and then the lawsuit and supermarket and “you’re exhausting” and “christopher misses you” and “I couldn't even call you to bail me outta jail” and then the “I’m hearing a lotta ‘I’s, buck” and “I forgive you” and then the Infamous Kitchen Scene and me endlessly screaming WHY WAS BUCK’S HAND ON HIS BELT LIKE THAT? but also very pointedly I will say eddie fighting specifically when he can’t talk to buck and then it stops around the time he can hmmmmm. and also “this is eddie’s house im not really a guest here” then the fuckaifajfgkjfglgakjdgag tunnel collapsing and buck literally, once again tearing himself and everything apart for a diaz, digging with his bare hands and the defeated look on his face and refusing to think about eddie dying and eddie very nearly dying but then recalling christopher, his family, buck, then christopher and buck, then christopher and buck again, then a rare shannon appears, and then it’s just-

okay. OKay. O K AY. ok. here’s what I think. either the writers are incredibly smart or just viciously stupid, or the third, lesser liked option, they know what they’re doing and don’t give two shits. they are sitting on, and quite frankly they have created, a fucking goldmine. but in terms of timing, and relationship choices, we have eddie and anna(?) as a brief thing that will either reappear in season 4 or never be touched again, then abby’s lame-ass apology that was just her attempting to justify her actions by claiming she simply just should’ve told buck sooner. but a lot of this season explores buck’s loneliness, and in a way, too, eddie’s. 

yes, eddie has christopher, and the others? they have families and significant others. buck has no one (except maddie but you get my point) to go home to. I think, in terms of timing and thematic elements, this season took the time to explore the loneliness of two men, but also by doing so, only high-lighted their need for one another, their love for one another. in the past, that has lead to two couples getting together: athena and bobby, and chimney and maddie. 

so, my point is, season 4 is the make it or break it point. we got (weak-ass) closure with abby, eddie’s anger and regret with shannon (and yes, christopher), an exploration of both of their loneliness, and a very, very clear rocket launch of their closeness and dependence on one another, in season 3. it started with a lot and ended with closure on all extraneous factors that could have possibly deterred the two of them from a potential relationship. more so, abby is getting married and buck has no choice but to move on; he may not have loved her anymore but he needed the closure (and no I do not think it was good enough and I think buck deserved more but that’s not my point).

this can’t be read that much into. it’s not subtle, it’s not subtext. it’s very clearly there on our screens, with every small or big line. they mean a lot to each other. anyone with eyes can say that, has to say that. the problem is, what’s the intention? like, are the writers actually doing what I've just said, setting up for a slowburn, taking it season by season. you can look at it that way, and it actually doesnt take a lot to get to that point of a thought process. there is a HUGE, fundamental shift in buck and eddie’s relationship in season 3. there is a perceived difference in their friendship versus both their relationship with others and the friendship between others. denny doesn’t call chimney his best friend, “his chimney.” athena has never once told hen she trusts her children with her more than anyone in the world. 

there are a lot of interesting choices that have been made over the course of three season, particularly this past season. there are also a lot of possibilities for the upcoming season. we may see a return of that teacher, we might see buck fall into other women, we may see eddie not fully over shannon, or (hopefully not) an abby return. it’s just a matter of waiting, but there’s no denying the way things were left off; buck and eddie were both single throughout the entirety of season 3, considerably closer and not guests at each other’s place, both very lonely in spite of the people around them, closer to each other than the rest of the 118, both have a family member (or more than one for eddie) to keep them anchored. buck is, yes, more lonely, but they are both left off in the same place. my question, more than anything, is whether it’s intentional after all that’s said and done. and if it’s not, then why, pray tell, are the writers following their OWN very clear and self-fulfilled pattern of timing and relationships to an even stronger extent than they ever have? 

[revol-lover]

nope i do need to vent

the thing is like i guess i’m just upset and got triggered by something today because like i can accept i guess what happened to me. well i guess i dont know if accept is the right word but it happened. i cant go back and change a single thing. i know that.

but whenever i’m reminded that what happened wasn’t ok and wasn’t normal and was literally so rare and so abnormal it just makes me so fucking sad because i wind up in the mindset of what if it didn’t happen. what if things went right. the way they were supposed to. who would i be right now? 

i get reminded of who i was before the trauma. i was in such a GOOD place. i was SO happy. i was FREE from a toxic environment that i had patiently waited for YEARS to get out of. it was finally happening. everything was falling into place and i was so happy with my life. and i was so freaking happy to be having my baby, finally. and a daughter too, which was surprising to me because my whole life i was convinced i’d have a son and that like, me getting a daughter would never happen (i wouldve been happy regardless i guess i just never genuinely imagined having a girl so it was a huge happy shock)

and then it all happened and everything came crashing down. starting with not being able to go into labor on my own. being 2 weeks late. being induced. labor forever (over 24hr). push for almost 3 hours. baby not doing well. low apgars. birth injury. immediate nicu transfer. not able to see her except for a quick minute before they sent her to another hospital and even then it was a glimpse, didnt get to hold her. going to bed that night in complete emptiness. complete fucking emptiness. why. why did it have to happen that way? being left alone the next morning so kevin could be with her (this was hard but i wanted one of us to be by her side.) having to suck it up and try my hardest to LOOK “ok” so that i could be discharged early and be able to go with her. have to suck up my pride and call my parents to drive me to the other hospital. mom comes. i get a call from kevin that babies having seizures. i cry. obviously. midwife (she was determined negligent so a lot of all of this is her fucking fault) told me that it was “normal” and “Happens sometimes” “but you pushed her out though!” i wanted to fucking slap her. it wasnt normal. and who cares if i pushed her out? if a c section would’ve prevented this i wouldve gladly done so for my child’s wellbeing the fuck. 

midwife approves d/c. leaves room. i cry. because wtf is my life. wtf is going on with my baby. everything is a disaster. my mom slams her fist on the food tray and tells me “stop crying!!! youll get that post partum shit!!”

...

because that’s how it works

...

i could go on and on about how the day and day after my baby was born were the worst days of my life not the best. the worst. because i literally almost lost her. she could’ve died that night. she had to be in cooling therapy for 3 days so we couldn’t hold her until she was 4 days old. by that point we already got the talk about the future. about how they didnt know if she’d ever walk or talk or if she’d have behavioral or learning problems etc because of her brain injury .it was a fucking lot.  not to mention at the same time i was so sick physically myself (couldnt keep food down. was trying to pump breast milk for her, but would vomit after every time. it was horrible and i stopped before we took her home) i definitely shouldnt have been d/c 12 hours after birth but i had to because i wasn’t going to be away from her for longer .but it just all was so terrifying and we had a hard time bonding initially because of all of this and it was truly such a horrible time. and then the denial from our family. telling us doctors could be wrong and “she looks fine”. people dont realize how hurtful and not help that is. you can be in denial all you want because it is not YOUR child. and no you cant “see” a brain injury.

 and when there’s no reason to think of all this i can go a long time without thinking of it but then it happens

the triggers.

the pampers commercial. the perfect birth story. a photo of a newborn on their mother’s chest.

and all those emotions just come flooding back and it sucks. i grieve for what life could’ve been if this hadnt happened. i grieve the fact that my daughter didnt get to be held for those first 4 days. that her little body had to go through what it did. that she had to lay on a cold pad (it helps slow down the bodies response to injury, which can prevent further damage) for 3 days after being warm and safe inside me for her whole existence.i grieve because although my daughter is doing well, it still should not have happened. shes not out of the woods. kids w her diagnosis have seizures return during developmental points of childhood.i have no idea what school will be like for her -- and the thing is like its ok. i am capable of handling that when/if we get there but.  it just sucks and none of it should’ve ever happened and i cant change anything. i know that. but sometimes i cant help but wonder what wouldve happened if things had gone right. would i have bonded better? would i not have had such a hard time adjusting to new mother hood? would i have had another child by now? would i have continued on that journey of feeling so happy and content with my life that i was on before all of this instead of just feeling kind of empty and jaded a literal 1/2 of the time? not with motherhood, necessarily, because after the first year i started to find myself as a mother more and thanks to the encouragement i got from her early intervention nurse, i really feel certain that i did well that first year especially. like we both (kevin and i) did our best for her and are partially responsible for her good outcome. but  i mean with life. i feel so jaded half the time. because life is unfair. and i knew that but man. no. life can be REALLY fucking unfair and idk where i’m even going with this anymore. sometimes i can find the way to having a mindset again of, we aren’t in control and all that, i get it but, idk. certain things still shouldnt’ happen and sometimes i really wish i could go back to who i ws before all this, when i had a genuine sense of optimism, because i thought, i had been through some of the hardest days already, and that was naive of me to think, but i just could have never predicted what was coming. and i’m still grieving that.