#i want to go to school but im too scared why is everything so scary

[komiiko]

my agoraphobia keeps getting worse and worse................ im scared but I powerless

[deerlottie]

🦌– mean girl! lottie

NSFW! mean!lottie, pathetic!reader, dubcon, mentions of blackmail, use of the word pet, strap on use (reader receiving)

your classmate lottie had invited you over to her house to study the other day and you don't know why you agreed. i mean, you barely know the girl. and now that you think about it, the only class you two share is ceramics, and that doesn't require any studying at all so why did you agree? maybe it was because she did that attractive head tilt thing while pouting at you, saying how she didn't wanna be alone on a friday night anyway, or maybe it was because she was also running her hands up and down your arm, making your brain all fuzzy that caused you to immediately agree.

so here you are, standing awkwardly in her room. the first thing you notice is how pink it is. everything down to the carpet is all different shades of pink. she turns around and looks at you expectantly, raising an eyebrow.

"your room's very...pink." you compliment, hoping that's what she wanted to hear.

"thanks," she responds, bouncing up and down on her heels. "i'm gonna go get something to drink. you want anything?"

"oh, uh, no. i'm good, thanks."

she hums and nods. as she walks past you, your shoulders bump which causes goosebumps to rise on your body. you turn to watch her leave but she stops in her tracks and makes a sound of surprise. "oh! i forgot - don't touch anything. i'm serious." she deadpans, and her tone of voice makes you tense up, too scared to move a muscle.

"yeah, mhm, got it." you nod intently, hands moving flat against your sides.

lottie eyes you up and down with a look of contempt and humphs, walking out of her room and heading down to the kitchen. as soon as you feel like she's out of earshot, you let out a sigh of relief. god, she's so scary sometimes.

she's never been directly mean towards you at school, but she's never been exactly nice either. at times, you'd find her and her entourage giggling and pointing at you during class, and when you'd make eye contact with her she'd wink and wave to you. it felt like you were in high school again and you hated it.

you scratch your neck and place your backpack down, looking around her eye-straining room. as you scan the room, your eyes land on something that looks out of place in her clothes pile. you walk closer and your eyes widen at what you see - a light pink jelly dildo.

it looks poorly hidden among her shirts and pants like she was planning on using soon. or had already used it. you blush at the thought and shake your head to rid them.

you can't help but reach out to take the pink dildo, chuckling lightly as you inspect it. of course, her own toys would have to match her room. you suddenly feel like a perv and go to place it back but the most embarrassing thing happens.

you hear lottie gasp from behind you and your heart sinks. you turn around and stand up, trying to stammer out an apology with her dildo still in hand. tossing it on her bed like it burned you, you wipe your sweaty palms on your shirt and hoarsly speak. "i-im so sorry, lottie. i-i didn't me-"

"i really should've hidden it better..." she interjects, like it's not a big deal. she sets her drink down on her nightstand and you watch in horror as she strolls over to the bed, picking the toy back up. "do you like it?"

you freeze. what? is she serious right now? your mouth opens and closes, unable to speak. you jerk your head as if to say "what the fuck is going on?"

she giggles at your silence and walks towards you. oh no. she still has the dildo in hand and your eyes keep glancing at it. you step back in fear but she has the upper hand and corners you against her dresser.

"what's wrong, you little perv? can't even look me in the eye?" she husks out, her words sending shivers down your spine. you have to bite your lip to keep from whimpering as she leans in closer, her knees touching yours.

lottie places the pink toy next to your hands that are gripping the dresser and sighs. "i bet you want me to use it on you, hm?" she asks, one of her fingers coming up to caress your chin.

you shake your head no, feeling your blush growing tenfold. you wish you could just crawl into a hole and die from how humiliated you are.

"no?" lottie says while chuckling. "then i guess i'll just have to tell everyone what a perv you are. coming into my room to find my toys." she tilts her head, smirking wickedly at you. "would you like that?"

your eyes widen at her words and you let out a scared squeak. "n-no! please!" you shake your head profusely, pleading with her. a cold sweat starts dripping down your body as you imagine the whole school knowing what you did, even if it was accidental.

"then you'll let me fuck you with it, understood?" she questions you, but it sounds more like a demand like she wouldn't take no for an answer. you nod your head pathetically, desperate to make her happy.

"good pet." lottie praises you, and your knees nearly buckle underneath you. she giggles at the feeble look on your face and cups your cheek before tugging you in for a hot kiss. her tongue's already trying to make its way into your mouth and you let it in. as it explores your mouth, she pulls you by your shirt over to her bed and spins you around to push you onto it. "stay. and strip."

you falter for just a second before you do what she says like an obedient pet. she rummages through her closet and takes out a harness, walking over to the dresser to attach it to the dildo she's about to fuck you with.

lottie rids her clothing as well and your mouth waters at her body - her perky tits, her trimmed pubic hair, her abs. you gulp as she makes eye contact with you when putting the harness on, feeling your clit throb.

she tightens it to her liking and smirks as she walks over to the bed, climbing towards you. she hovers over you, sitting on your lap and you feel the silicone cock rest on your stomach. lottie starts kissing your neck, grasping your chin to move your head to the side for a better angle.

as she bites down on your pulse point, she grinds into your lap, causing you to whine out. "ffuck, lottie." you feel her smirk against your skin, goosebumps arising.

one of her hands comes down to swipe at your pussy, collecting your wetness on her fingers. she brings it up to her mouth, making a show of licking it off. "mhm. even better than i imagined."

you dont have time to question what she means before she aligns the head of the dildo against your clit. your hands fly to her shoulders and you groan, hips lifting to try and chase her cock as she pulls away.

"oh, now you want it?" she says darkly, criticizing you.

you've given up all self-respect and desperately hump the air for any sort of friction. she laughs at you mockingly and slaps your cunt, making you cry out in pleasure. "please, lottie," you beg, "anything, i'll do anything, just please f-"

before you can finish your begging, she slams her faux cock into your soaping pussy, the immediate stretch sending a pleasant burn throughout your lower belly. the grip you have on her shoulders tightens and she winces in pain, moving your arms to pin them over your head as she thrusts into you.

lottie's eyes are fixated on how your tits giggle while she pounds your pussy, leaning down to take a nipple into her mouth. you let out a groan as she laps at it, back arching into the touch. as she pulls back, her spit leaves a trail around your areola.

she watches your face as she snaps her hips hard, which makes your mouth open in an O shape, a tiny broken moan spilling out.

"i wonder what else i can get you to do with this whole blackmail thing..." she wonders, mostly to herself.

[marcyyss]

' That cool girl '

Robin Arellano x reader

Summery: Robin thinks you are the most cool girl in school, but actually no one really knows why because you only teach him math

( reader is 13 like Robin)

Running out of ideas and im craving for the black phone fics.

Idk how schools work in usa so maybe things are going to be wrong

You were in the cafeteria until your number one fan, Robin Arellano, sits with you

— " Hi y/n! What are you doing? "

— " I think im eating, Robin do you need something boy? "

— " Oh, haha no im good, just.. I want to know if we are going to study this weekend "

— " Of course we will, why, you wanted to go somewhere? "

That made him nervous, he wanted to go to the movies with you (and his uncle) but for him, you were so cool! Of course you wouldn't want to go with him, he is just a boy who figths with everyone

— " Um, no- i mean- if you want we could go to see a movie, any movie that you want is fine "

You smiled at him and rolled your eyes, for you, he was the cutest boy in school

— " Sure Robin, dont choose a movie that is too scary, you know i dont like those "

He felt like his heart is going to explode, but he tried to look cool like you

— " Um, haha, you aren't scared of a little horror movie aren't you? They aren't that scary "

— " Sure Robin, lets go after study okay? Love you "

He blushed at that, and you laughed and then left the table with him alone, to be honest you really liked him, so you wanted to act cool and that he thought that you were cool maked you the most happy girl.

The next day, you were walking in the hallways to your next class and you saw Robin with a tape in his hand, plus he was bleeding A LOT, so of course you wanted to know what happened.

— " Hey Robin, are you okay? You are bleeding a lot. "

— " Oh, i got in a figth with an asshole called Moose, i think you know him. "

— " Well duh, he is my brother's friend, why dont you go to the nurse office? "

— " If they know that i got in a figth again, they will suspend me, again. "

— " Okay, i need to go now, see you later boy. "

— " See ya "

You didn't care that Robin got into figths, actually you think it was pretty cool, maybe you are in the "I like bad boys" phase and "you wanted him to protect you" like in those romantic movies, where the protagonist is a nerdy girl and her love interest is a bad boy who figths everyone and they meet because he needs help with maths and then she realize that he isnt a bad boy and he has trauma that makes him act like that...

Actually you think your like is a movie at this time, so you hope that everything goes rigth like in those movies and you and Robin kiss in prom nigth and that shit.

But anyways, your most waited day has arrived, Robin was coming to your house to study, and then you two are going to the movies and see a scary movie, maybe this was your time to confess your love for him.

While you were daydreaming, you heard a knock on the door and your mother opened the door

— " Sweetie, Robin is here! "

— " Coming mom! "

Before going down stairs, you looked at the mirror to see if you were looking good, and.. You looked the same as always, good!

— " Hi Robin, lets go to my room! "

After the 2 hours of study passed, Robin, your mother and you where at the door

— " Mom, can we have a sleepover at Robin's house? "

— " If his mother knows i don't have a problem, just dont go to sleep too late, okay? "

— " Okay mom, bye! "

— " goodbye miss l/n "

— " Goodbye kids, have a good time! "

You and Robin went to his uncle's car and went to see the horror movie at the cinema, you guys had a good time, it was the first time that you were "alone" with Robin without having to study, and you loved it, he was grabing your hand, but you wanted to act cool, you failed and screamed half of the movie while Robin laughed at you, which made you laugh too.

When the movie was over and you guys arrived to Robin's house and go to his room, you thought it was a good time to confess your feelings, and then he spoke

— " Hey y/n. "

— " Yes? Whats wrong boy? "

— " I have something to tell you. "

It was what you are thinking? It has to be rigth?

— " um, sure Robin, you can tell me anything "

— " .. I like you y/n "

You felt your cheeks burning and your heart was about to explode

— " Its okay if you dont feel the same, i mean, im just a dumb boy who gets into figths 8 times a week and you.. Are the most cool girl in school "

— " Wait no! I like you Robin "

— " Really?! You arent joking rigth, you cant joke about this "

— " Of course im not joking Robin, i like you. "

Robin hugged you, and you hugged him as well.

I guess this is a good nigth, rigth?

— " I love you y/n "

— " I love you too Robin "

GOSH, IM LITERALLY SO IN LOVE WITH THIS KID ☹️

[webginz]

i had the worst shower ever. i was like, tripping out. reminded me of my "episodes" i had in middle school. just like voices and not knowing where i am. and not being able to get back to reality.

well now im on my way to the dentist, theres no way in hell they wont be able to notice i was just crying. (from fear of going to the dentist, not from the shower thing lol)

im so scared :(

[took out a part here but it was just about stress and disordered eating things from this morning]

then i got to the dentist and it sucked. long dentist story ahead

okay dentist. everything that couldve gone wrong, went wrong.. i tried acting normal, and we had small talk or whatever like normal dentist x ray stuff, but she could instantly tell something was wrong with me, i guess.

she gave me a health form to fill out. i was still chill and this point and was like oh yeah i have blood pressure problems but its only if im up moving around!! so not doing that at the desntist hehe amirite?! i also checked anxiety and i think thats what she wanted. just personal confirmation everything was gonna go wrong.

after she learned i had anxiety, she was nice, too nice imo... like i was a child. im okay with that though i guess. (i mean.. she could definitely tell i was just done crying)

she was like "the xray blanket is heavy and could help with ur anxiety" BUT I WANTED IT OFF AND COULD BARELY TALK SO I JUST NODDED. it made me feel so overwhelmed immediately. THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING STARTED GOING BAD

im also just constantly aware of my hair and when you lean back on the stupid dentist seat my hat falls off. its like LOOK THE FREAK WHOS SCARED OF THE DENTIST AND PULLS OUT ALL HER HAIR!!

whatever. so there i am on the dentist chair. bald spots for the world to see. xray blanket sensory overload. sunglasses on top of my regular glasses. but im pushing through.

she starts using the tool on my teeth. a metal vibrating thing that sounds like a drill. my worst most awful fear is high pitched drilling noises. if im in a good mood i can put up with them for a bit, but obviously todays not that day. i try not to freak out, but she notices and asks if im okay and im like "yah" (with tears)

but then my mom comes in and shes like "can you not do it a different way?!?!" "shes freaking out" and just making everything WORSE. (used the chaos here to get rid of the dumb xray thing)

ive been on and off hyperventilating through all of this btw... i heard one of the dentist ladies say "shes crying and breathing really fast..." which was like. kill me now please god.

so back to my mom asking "can you not just do it a different way?" they do have a different way btw. without the scary machine! but then dentist lady says "she used this machine the last 2 times she was here? we dont have enough time to do it manually." (proof i was just having a bad day and i totally can be normal!!! but hearing this made me feel awful like i could feel all the dentists were thinking "she did it fine last time why is she carzy today?!?")

she then asked to step away to find the MAIN dentist lady.

at this point i was crying shaking hyperventilating and felt like i was gonna throw up from nervous energy. also my mom is pestering me a bunch (shes concerned but making everything worse, her hearts in the right place tho ily mom)

so big boss dentist lady is here. she says she looked at the xrays (from the beginning, remember?) and i have A GAZILLION CAVITIESSSSSS!!!!!

she says for my dental things from now on i should go to a SEDATION DENTIST!!!!

i was so out of it i didnt even know what to say. well now i do!!!

im not usually that scared. i was having a VERY BAD morning.

the dentist i go to now is all women. the sedation dentist is a MAN, that none of the women there had ever met. I HAVE TO GO MEET A MAN TO SEDATE ME SO I CAN BE ALONE WITH HIM? SO HE CAN DO MY TEETH? i might have a silly joking tone to this post but with this im being so serious. im scared as hell that thats just gonna end with me being raped.

i dont like male doctors/dentists/anything and always have my mom with me when i have to. there was a female assistant when i had my endoscopy and female nurses when i had my surgery. i dont want to be alone, asleep, in a room with a man i dont know. JUST BECAUSE IM SCARED OF THE DENTIST???

god i keep seeing stuff in the corner of my eye as im writing this. i think my psychosis is coming back for some reason.

every things going wrong today and forever

pls like/reply this post if you read it all im sorry for my ranting

[satorus-lover]

TOP SECRET

paring: Chifuyu Matsuno x Fem! Reader

genre: fluff

content warning: none

notes: Happy Valentines day! I hope you guys have a good valentines day today cause i didn't.. anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this oneshot. I didnt proof read anything and I'm sorry if its bad I'm trying to get use to writing stories. LMK if you want me to write about someone. It can be anyone from TR, AOT, HQ, and JJK.

"Okay byee guys" You give your friends a hug

"is chifuyu walking you home?" one of your friend's asked you

You look at your phone and you see a message from your boyfriend, chifuyu saying that he got called for an emergency Toma meeting and that he wouldn't be able to walk you home today.

you sighed, putting your phone away, "Nah It's just myself for today". your friend frowned and the other scoffed. "Seriously?! Its the 3rd time this week"

"Its okay! he always walks me home" You give them a small smile, "Its just that he's been busy lately"

your friend rolled her eyes and the looked at her watch, "Oh shit we have to go" She grabs your other friend's arm, "We'll see you tomorrow y/n!"

"bye!" you say as your 2 friends walk away

You turn around and you start making your way to the black gate. While you're walking you start thinking about chifuyu. You haven't seen him since friday of last week and its wednesday. He's either at a meeting or he's hanging out with Takemichi. Usually you wouldn't have a problem with him going to his Toma meetings or hanging out with his friends but you haven't seen him for 6 days.

As soon as you step foot off of school grounds someone grabbed your shoulder.

"what the-" You turned around

"you need to read this letter but you can't show anyone!" The person tells you in a deep voice

"Who-" He cuts you off, "This is a top secret letter and you need to read it when you get home. again. DON'T. SHOW. ANYONE." He gives you the letter and then he walks into a van

You stand there confused and scared. Who can this man be and why was he giving me a letter you thought. You look at the letter for a second. The letter was in a eggshell white envelope and in the front had your name in cursive.

You put the letter away and you start walking home.

-

Once you enter your house you put all your stuff away and then you head to your room. you close your door and you sit down on your bed while holding the letter.

"should I wait till I see Chifuyu..?" You mumbled to yourself

"DON'T. SHOW. ANYONE"

those words kept replaying over and over. You take a deep breath in and you open the envelope. You take out the paper that was in there and you unfold it.

Dear Y/n,

You are the most beautiful girl I ever saw. The moment that I saw you, I just knew that you were the one. You are so smart and Talented I love you so so much. You mean the whole world to me and you deserve everything. I would do anything to make you happy. If you are free tonight if you are free :)

Love your best boyfriend in the world Chifuyu :D

You put the letter down and you felt your face heat up. You pull out your phone and texted him.

chii 💞

You: Yes i'm free tonight 🙃

chii 💞: you got my letter? teyhehe

you: yes I did

you: I love it so much and I love you too but I have a question...

chii 💞: whats up?

you: why did you send a sketchy guy to gibe it to me :/

you: im ngl he scared me 🥲

chii 💞: AHH SORRY BABY

chii 💞: he's a member in Toma and I asked him to give it to you 😭

you: ooh that make sense 😭

you: everyone in Toma is scary

chii 💞: you should get ready soon

chii 💞: I'll see you tonight :)

chii 💞: love you <3

you: Okie okie love you <33

[jinlias]

“we’re not watching that” you let ryujin know as soon as the remote lands on a cheap attempt of a horror movie.

“why not? it’s not even scary!” she shrugs, scooting closer to you on the couch

“that’s exactly why!!” you chuckle taking the control from her.

“oh come on, that? im gonna feel bad when i slip my hand in your pants” ryujin stares at your mouth open mid laugh, her own tongue peeking under her teeth as she leans her head on her palm when you stop on a cartoon movie.

“who said you were getting in my pants tonight?”

“oh, was it not a given?” she raises her brows, shortly crawling until she’s on top of you, having caused you to lay down against the decorative pillows

“mm, no, not that i recall” both of you smile just as you did back in high school, when it took absolutely everything from you and ryujin, doing dishes, washing cars, cleaning social rooms in your own houses (even though your families paid people to do that) for your parents to let either of you sleep over before she pecks your lips.

one turns to three, and soon she’s peppering kisses down your jaw, winning heavy sighs out of you when a startling noise coming from upstairs and a giggle make the two of you freeze. ryujin only lifts herself slightly after a peck to your neck and asks “did u hear that?”

“is that yuna?” you ask back, the two of you looking at each other in a puzzled manner, her arms on your sides and yours around her neck. but after a few minutes it dies back down, so you go back to kissing, eliciting giggles of your own by just the thought of being able to lose time with your lover, but then theres a more alarming noise, it’s a guy and it’s coming from upstairs, this time it makes both of you sit up, reminding you of the many times ryujin’s mom almost caught the two of you messing around in her home. “that was definitely not yuna.”

the look the two of you share next is not one your mom would approve of, it means nothing but trouble and ruining whatever fun yuna was having. part of ryujin believes she should be mad, you too, yuna invited someone over- no, she snuck someone in instead of telling you she wanted to invite someone over. you and your wife, without all the sugar coating, were drug dealers, there was nothing yuna could try that scared you. the two of you thought she trusted you enough to share whoever this was with you

but another part of you instead of being her guardians, grew up with yuna, specially ryujin. so it’s much too expected when the two of you just want to make her life impossible, like she had done many times to you.

soon, the two of you tip toe up the stairs and all the way to her door, which was unsurprisingly closed. and with malicious smiles press an ear against the door. both you and ryujin make disgusted faces at the sound of a kiss, or two, maybe three, and then the guy again asking if she really wanted to sleep with him.

“hey, asked for consent” you shrug, gesturing and okay with your fingers to ryujin, who rolls her eyes and takes out her phone, ringing yuna.

“voicemail! that bitch” ryujin whispers a little too loud because the kissing and giggling stops and she’s lucky you take long strides because just in time, you pull her away from the door, pressing her against the hallway when yuna opens it

“i know you guys are snooping” she giggles “y/n i can see your foot”

it makes you suck in your lips in regret, looking back at ryujin who’s glaring daggers at you for getting you caught. the two of you soon walk out, hands tangled and your heads hung low in some sort of shame.

“okay, you caught us. we’re done, have fun, we’ll talk in the morning, goodnight!!”

“and BE SAFE!” ryujin yells as you drag her to your room, opposed to your quick prior whispering.

[alexaatla]

gothcleats as songs from each of the taylor swift (yes that one) album

im so sick in the head about them and i haven’t made a post about them in a while so here ya go

DEBUT-Our Song

starting out with a soft silly one first, also scarys a musician so this makes sense 😽

lyrics: “Our song is the slamming screen door

Sneakin' out late, tapping on your window

When we're on the phone, and you talk real slow

'Cause it's late, and your mama don't know

Our song is the way you laugh

The first date, "Man, I didn't kiss her, and I should have"”

FEARLESS- The Way I Loved You

i know this song is about missing an ex and all, but in the context of gothcleats i want to interpret it like gothcleats in the “betrayal arc”

lyrics: “But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain

And it's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name

So in love that you act insane

And that's the way I loved you”

SPEAK NOW- The Story of Us

imo this is one of the most gothcleats songs of all time, again during the “betrayal arc” and it gives very big “enemies closer” vibes with being so close to each other but not knowing what to say. it’s also very much scarys POV

lyrics: “Oh, I'm scared to see the ending

Why are we pretending this is nothing?

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how

I've never heard silence quite this loud

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room

And we're not speaking and I'm dying to know

Is it killing you like it's killing me? Yeah

I don't know what to say since the twist of fate

When it all broke down

And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now”

RED- I Almost Do

ep 25 core and also after the betrayal el oh el

lyrics: “I bet

You think I either moved on or hate you

'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply

I bet

It never ever occurred to you

That I can't say "Hello" to you

And risk another goodbye

And I just wanna tell you

It takes everything in me not to call you

And I wish I could run to you

And I hope you know that every time I don't

I almost do

I almost do

Oh, we made quite a mess, babe

It's probably better off this way

And I confess, babe

In my dreams you're touching my face

And asking me if I wanna try again with you

And I almost do”

1989-Out Of The Woods

this song is being able to make it through something difficult together, which is what gothcleats had been doing this entire fucking time, they just want to be out of the woods

lyrics: “Looking at it now

Last December

(Last December)

We were built to fall apart

Then fall back together

(Back together)

Ooh, your necklace hanging from my neck

The night we couldn't quite forget

When we decided, we decided

To move the furniture so we could dance

Baby, like we stood a chance

Two paper airplanes flying, flying, flying

And I remember thinking

Are we out of the woods yet?”

AND

“Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?

Twenty stitches in a hospital room

When you started crying, baby, I did too

But when the sun came up, I was looking at you

Remember when we couldn't take the heat?

I walked out, I said "I'm setting you free"

But the monsters turned out to be just trees

When the sun came up you were looking at me”

(also “looking at it now/ last december/ we were built to fall apart/ and fall back together” december is i’m pretty sure around when ep 31 with the fireball/ “you can try to kill me but i wont hurt you” scenario would fall timeline wise)

REPUTATION- King Of My Heart

there’s not much reason to this song other than just the vibe reminds me of them and they deserve to be happy 🫶

lyrics: “Salute to me, I'm your American Queen

And you move to me like I'm a Motown beat

And we rule the kingdom inside my room

'Cause all the boys and their expensive cars

With their Range Rovers and their Jaguars

Never took me quite where you do

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa”

AND

“Is this the end of all the endings?

My broken bones are mending

With all these nights we're spending

Up on the roof with a school girl crush

Drinking beer out of plastic cups

Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Baby, all at once, this is enough”

(honestly another good choice for this would’ve been dress and it might’ve fit better but I LOVE KOMH OKAY)

LOVER-The Archer

while a lot of the songs in lover are very soft and nice, and gothcleats well, isnt, The Archer i think shows scarys hesitancy to become close to link and the other teens, because people have left her continuously in the past. she doesn’t believe people should want to stay with her.

lyrics: “I've been the archer

I've been the prey

Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling?

But who could stay?

(I see right through me, I see right through me)

'Cause they see right through me

They see right through me

They see right through

Can you see right through me?

They see right through

They see right through me

I see right through me

I see right through me

All the king's horses, all the king's men

Couldn't put me together again

'Cause all of my enemies started out friends

Help me hold onto you”

FOLKLORE- exile

link defended scary for a lot of the things she did, despite her telling and proving to him that he shouldn’t have, he did. this song to me is directly after the death of tony pepperoni and realizing what she’s left him with.

lyrics: “And it took you five whole minutes

To pack us up and leave me with it

Holdin' all this love out here in the hall

I think I've seen this film before

And I didn't like the ending

You're not my homeland anymore

So what am I defending now?

You were my town

Now I'm in exile, seein' you out

I think I've seen this film before”

AND

“I can see you starin', honey

Like he's just your understudy

Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me

Second, third, and hundredth chances

Balancin' on breaking branches

Those eyes add insult to injury”

EVERMORE- right where you left me

wow gothcleats angst goes hard in evermore and folklore. this song shows the moment frozen in time of either link saying “get the fuck out of my house scary”

lyrics: “Help, I'm still at the restaurant

Still sitting in a corner I haunt

Cross-legged in the dim light

They say, "What a sad sight"

I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop

Right when I felt the moment stop

Glass shattered on the white cloth

Everybody moved on

I, I stayed there

Dust collected on my pinned-up hair

They expected me to find somewhere

Some perspective, but I sat and stared”

AND

“Did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen?

Time went on for everybody else, she won't know it

She's still 23 inside her fantasy

How it was supposed to be

Did you hear about the girl who lives in delusion?

Break-ups happen every day, you don't have to lose it

She's still 23 inside her fantasy

And you're sitting in front of me”

MIDNIGHTS- Midnight Rain

something something scary growing up with a general lack of love in her life while link has felt nothing but something something

lyrics: “My boy was a montage

A slow-motion, love potion

Jumping off things in the ocean

I broke his heart 'cause he was nice

He was sunshine, I was midnight rain

He wanted it comfortable

I wanted that pain

He wanted a bride

I was making my own name

Chasing that fame

He stayed the same

All of me changed like midnight”

honorable mentions!

-dress

-back to december

-you belong with me

-the lucky one (hear me ou-)

in conclusion, i love them and taylor swift, thank you and goodnight

[rafasbiscuits]

Thank you for the ask, @kingfisherprince 🥺 you always include me in these, I love you sm.

Are you named after anyone? no, and I kind of wish it was, my name was chosen at a random by my grandparents and parents (and aunts) it's kind of 'unique' tho, cause i haven't met anyone that has my name yet.

When was the last time you cried? mmmm, just finished a few seconds ago. life hits hard yk? there's no reason to, I just do.

Do you have kids? no

Do you use sarcasm a lot? yes, but only to people I'm close with. when I was younger I have a sharp tongue and would be sarcastic to everyone, even family members, and I got told off and adviced to not do that anymore. so, only to my closest friends. im scared to offend anyone, plus not everyone understands it sooo yea

What sports do you play/have played? uuhhh, used to badminton just for fun cause my family are big big badminton fans, and I played netball for a while but only for school. that's it. I am no athlete even though my lifeline are literally sports.

What’s the first thing you notice about other people? uh...it differs from people to people, whatever striking features they have ig, that's what makes me notice them. but probably the face part, can't point out which one tho idk.

Scary movies or happy endings? I loveee scary movies, but I'm...you know...scared. And I don't like being scared, that's why I don't like when there are ghosts and stuff, but if it's thriller then that's my jam right there. I love watching them it's just I can't sleep when I think about it. Happy endings are not my thing, I mean it's fine, but I would rather things to not go the cliche happy ending way. I'm so tired of watching too many movies with those. So, scary movies wins.

Any special talent? I don't think I found one yet. There's still plenty of time to explore, and I believe everyone has at least one, it's just they haven't found it yet. That's what I am, still finding, hopefully mine will be cool.

Where were you born? I won't specify, but southeast asia. so culture is pretty important to, well not me, I don't care. but I grow up with all the cultures surrounding me, I'm a traditional girl whether I like it or not.

What are your hobbies? writing, reading, anything with books really, ummmm I used to love art but then..idk if it's my thing anymore, blame school for that. watching sports and films too if that's a hobby.

Do you have any pets? ooo yes yes, I have like 5+ cats, I'm a cat person. they're all really really cute.

How tall are you? 160 cm, and from Google I searched that that is probably 5'2", I think I'm quite short if I go to other parts of the world. But in my country I'm actually quite tall so💁💁

Favorite subject in school? none, I absolutely hate school. can't wait for it to be done and over with.

Dream job? idk, I'm still thinking. I have big dreams, I would love to be a theoretical physicist, or anything quantum related cause I'm a big nerd about it. but I don't even take physics as a subject (I self study/learned everything myself) and I'm not academically smart, I'm more of a, philosophy smart, which in this world and era, it won't lead me to anything. there's no jobs that are my specialty and jobs that I might excel at in my country...so...I don't know really...living in a small and not so developed country is quite a struggle actually😅

(I can tag as much as I want right??) tagging @hubillusion @tam-is-blogging @swaggypsyduck @thefrootloopman @jcferrero @yoellglia @raulsevyn @schumi-nadal @janesurlife @game-set-canet @wimbledon2008 @bluskype @littleblueducktales @cryingforcrocodiles and anyone that wants to do this that I haven't tagged. feel free to do this.

[wie-sagt-man-noch]

TAG TIME

it's been ages since I did a tag game but thank you so much @astirian!

are you named after anyone?

my grandmother and me share the same middlename (it was her first name tho)

when was the last time you cried?

full on crying sometime last summer, yesterday i shed a tear while watching joost kleins europapa (the ending got me like oooof)

do you have kids?

no

what sports do you play / have played?

currently none, in my childhood i played football and had swimming classes, i also did aikido a long time ago

do you use sarcasm?

on a daily basis

whats the first thing you notice about people?

currently tattoos, normally their hair color & manners

whats your eye colour?

blueish-grey with a hint of green

scary movies or happy ending?

i love watching scary movies but im way too easily scared which leeds to me hiding half of the movie soooo happy end it is (happy end always)

any talents?

i can read quite fast, also cooking/baking in general

where were you born?

in a small town in bavaria

any hobbies?

reading, trash tv (my beloved), baking, going on walks & writing (also watching football and ski jumping haha)

do you have any pets?

my parents have a dog & a cat

how tall are you?

1,65 cm

favorite subject in school?

german, pedagogy/psychology

dream job?

i wanted to be an sports journalist so bad back in the days but currently I´m happy with the job i have

last song i listened to

bye bye bye - nsync

currently watching

unter uns (always and forever), too many trash tv shows (shoutout to prominent getrennt & ex on the beach)

sweet/savory/spicy

everything?? why would i decide, we appreciate all of them in this household

relationship status

single

current obsession

blueberries & julian brandt (how tf did that happen - i hate bvb with a passion smh) ((the dorky one piece tattoo did it for me im afraid))

last thing i googled

u21 deutschland max meyer (dont ask pls)

I'm tagging no one buuuuut feel free do it either way <3

[marshmallowprotection]

hi!!! i hope that you’re doing well <3

i really love how u analyze the characters (and saeran especially!!) really thoroughly (i actually used to read everything saeran related on your blog before i go to sleep lol), so when you open match up i got really excited🥰🥰 im so sorry this is going to be a wall of text, i didn’t think it would be THAT long 😭😭.

i’m currently still a student, and i am infj 2w3. I’m heterosexual (i love men and im scared of them at the same time). about my personality, a lot of person view me as a golden retriever, which seems completely the opposite with my mbti LMAO, but i do agree with them to some extent (i think i’m more shy than outgoing, i can only be outgoing if i feel like i could join in the convo😣, if im alone with someone than i will probably be sooo awkward and stat silent). to be honest i don’t think i understand myself that much, so i always try to find meaning in things i do to figure out what im like😭. i like helping others, but i can’t say no so that makes me a people pleaser 😭😭😭 and that’s a really bad habit of mine. i enjoy hanging out with my friends, but i get drained out easily. i think i also get jealous pretty easily, because im really insecure and i guess im a little bit posessive…:P (but i usually just brush it off because i know it is not good to feel that way). i do care about my friends, my family and people around me a lot, like i love being a part of someone character development and help them, i want to be someone trustworthy and precious to people (in other words i need validation lol). HOWEVER i also get pissed off easily😭😭😭 especially with someone that’s half-hearted in whatever they do, because i appreciate those who work hard a lot, or it is just the little things that annoy me. there is also a weird thing about me that is when someone like me and they show their love publicly i would immediately door slam them and i get very scared… i did try to think why i do this, idk if it’s because men are scary or because i really value friendship and i don’t want something volatile like a romantic relationship would ruin it (or both). i would say i’m also very hard working and i always put my mind into everything i do, even if it’s for my sake or other people’s sake. i’m also very responsible, and that’s prolly the reason why i get good grades in school, but there’s no subject that i like so that makes me kinda ambitionless, like i dont know what to do with my future😭😭😭. i also think i’m a type of person that’s afraid to step out of my comfort zone, i think that’s because i think too little of myself and i’m a coward lol. im also really good at judging people LIKE I MEAN IT, like my intuition is pretty good, but i’m bad at explaining so nobody gets me😭😭😭 also i prefer text over call when explaining something or talking about things seriously because then i have time to actuallg think over it. i’m also confident that i could comfort people, because when someone tell me something, i know that they trust me so i always try their best to understand them, put myself in their shoes and give them the comfort that they need (i’m too dedicated because i wish someone would do the same thing to me💔💔💔 sometimes i think im too good as a person too). i’m good at talking, just like casual talks tho, so i can make friends easily, but i dont have many close friends because as they get to know me more they will know how twisted i am. even tho im good at talking but im not good at communicating my feelings and what i want, so there are always misunderstandings between me and others, and i always feel hurt, but i’m too afraid to talk about myself.

my hobby. i have a lot of hobbies but i don’t have any talent, so i abandon most of them and i’m afraid to commit to any. i like playing sports (i prefer team sport), BUT BUT BUT I LOVE ICE SKATING SO MUCH BECAUSE IT IS SO ARTISTIC, ELEGANT AND YOU CAN FEEL IT. other than that i also like drawing, cooking and baking (i actually very invest in cooking and baking but im just too lazy to wash the dishes later). i also like drawing, but i’m also not patient enough to learn it😭. one thing i am very passionate about is singing, and i actually wanna be a singer 😭😭😭 but the job is unrealistic for someone like me, so i also just brush it away… i wan’t to get into floriography reallyyyyyy bad (definitely not saeran influenced), but i cannot make time 😭😭😭. my fav season is winter, i like to tug into my cozy bed, and i like xmas, this is also the time where u get to spend time with your love ones so i like it alot!! i also love reading and watching (romance related stuff, but i prefer if it is animated lol…), i think they are very comforting for a hopeless romantic like me lmao. i also like listening to music bc it always cheer me up!

my love language. i love to receive words of affirmation and i also like to give my partner words of affirmation. but since i’m not good at talking verbally, i like to express it through letters and gifts (so words of affirmation and gift giving combination?). i can also be very clingy and i love being coddled hehe

my appearance. im kinda chubby but i have been told that i have a pretty face, so im quite happy with my face 🥰 (im glad my self confidence got better these days, im still insecure w my body and my side profile a lot, but i will try my best to work on it). my hair is currently red right now, and i have curly hair, like 2b? but it is fluffy so sometimes i hate it a lot because no matter how much i style it it just doesnt stay in place. i have brown eyes, long lashes and squishy cheek (why am i being so descriptive about myself i hate it so much). i also wear glasses ARGHH WHICH MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A NERD and i feel like i look better without glasses because people say i have pretty eyes.

what i want in a partner. i think there are a lot of grey areas in a relationship, so i have a lot of expectations for my partner, but at the same time i don’t wanna be double standard 😣. i have thought over this a lot, and i hope that my partner would be understanding and love me as much as i love him, because trust is important in a relationship and it has to be mutual to keep growing 💗 it would be nice if my partner could be nice to everyone around him, because i loveee kind people 🥹🥹. BUT SERIOUSLY THO my ideal type is saeran, he is so kind and loving 😭😭 and there is just something about him that makes me want to love him and pamper him for the rest of my life 🫂

I match you with...

Saeran.

You sound like you have a lot of passion and zest for life. Sometimes, you're not sure if you want to come into something because you want it to be right the first time, even though it takes time to learn how to do something the right way. Frankly, there is no right or wrong way to do a hobby, as long as you're not putting your body in harm's way, so you should try to enjoy doing what makes you happy even if you're not the best at it.

Having a hobby isn't something you should do because you want to be the best, it's something you should do because it's fun. It might be easier for you to try something with someone you love. That's the case for Saeran, too, you know? He doesn't want to try everything by himself, and at the same time, he wants to try everything. He wants to have the experience of knowing that he can do something without being afraid of there being a target on his back... and he wants to get those moments under his belt with you.

Even if you're just standing by his side while he does something, or vice versa.

That feels like home.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

hi! last anon here who asked abt the time travel thingy, would also like to hear your all time favorite fics! im a bit overhwlemed with the so many fics i could read so a small list to start with would be immensely helpful 💗

All admins feel free to add on! But off the top of my head, here’s some of my favorite longer fics! Lmk if you want shorter recs too!

A Stolen Ring (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan’s not normal. Why?

He's not human, he has a mysterious ring, and he hates Phil Lester. They have a strange past, one filled with bullying and avoidance, but when Dan turns into an incubus, everything changes. He struggles with his identity and cries himself to sleep most nights, yearning to be normal. And somehow the universe makes it worse by bringing him and Phil together - in the most literal sense.

(TW) Absolutely Lovely (ao3) - Autumn_Kismet

Summary: His friends and family think he's acting strange, they're worried that he's depressed again, but Dan doesn't see it. The only thing he sees is the new guy at school, the quirky one with the black hair and stunning blue eyes, and that's bad. So bad... because he likes him, and Dan can't like him. Dan can't be gay. He'll lose his family, he'll lose his friends... he'll become just like his father, and that's the last thing that he wants in the entire world. It's a scary thought that he doesn't think will ever go away and if there's the possibility of that happening, of him becoming the disgusting monster that his father was, or is, then maybe the world is better off without him, regardless of what PJ's dad, his mum's new husband, has to say.

Believe in Me (ao3) - Elleberquist6

Summary: Dan Howell is living at home while he’s saving money for college, which isn’t easy since his parents don’t understand him. Unlike them, he loves dogs, is a vegetarian, has no interest in the family business, and he despises the supernatural. He struggles to accept things that are illogical, even though he is a kitsune. Kitsune are foxes whose powers involve the ability to cast illusions, but Dan just wants to be normal. Phil Lester has just moved to London, where he works as a dog walker. When his path crosses with Dan, Phil is eager to get to know him. Unfortunately, Phil soon finds that being friends with Dan is far more complicated than he could have imagined.

(TW) Break Me (ao3) - MySecretsX

Summary: In this world, you're marked with black. That's if you have a soulmate at least. Everyone is destined to cross paths with the one who is meant for them, at least once in their lives.

When you and your soulmate meet, you will touch, if only briefly, and the exact area of skin you touch with the other turns from black to white, with streaks of blue, purple, yellow, all marbled in with each other.

Daniel Howell is well-known in town. People cross the street if they're approaching him and newcomers to the neighbourhood are warned about his presence. Exactly like the Lester's were. But Phil Lester has other ideas, he saw the pain within the boy, how bad can he really be?

Bury Your Flame (ao3) - worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)

Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck.

Cat and Mouse (ao3) - jilliancares

Summary: Dan Howell is the Panther. He's evil, nefarious, ingenious, and good at coming up with adjectives for himself. The Raven is a nuisance, but he's definitely the most fun part when it comes to being a villain. As a child, Dan had been scared of his powers. He'd been weak. He'd become strong, though. Strong enough to torment the city; strong enough to annoy the Raven with every opportunity he got.

Phil Lester only had one goal these days. To become strong enough to defeat the Panther.

Desires (ao3) - A_Million_Regrets

Summary: What would you do if you were suddenly hauled from your inauspicious life and dumped into an unforeseen catastrophe with your worst enemy?

Dan Howell and Phil Lester completely and utterly hate each other. They fight every time they meet, and all of their friends are tired of it. But one day, these two hot-headed, reckless men stumble through a secret passage in a mysterious old house and wake up on a strange island uninhabited by other intelligent life forms. They only have each other and no way to escape. Will they fight to death, or will they learn to trust each other in a world where no one else exists? Can they put aside their mutual hatred for each other to survive this misfortune?

(TW) Get Out Your Damn Umbrellas (ao3) - llamalamp

Summary: Phil's only gone for one weekend.

Apparently that's all the time it takes for everything to fall apart.

(TW) Head Down Low (ao3) - Rhensis

Summary: Dan isn’t right. He’s not like most of the others, he’s not genetically pure. He has no destined path, he has nothing going for him in life. He’ll be lucky to get himself a job in a fast food kitchen, and everyone looks down on him like he’s a piece of dirt stuck at the bottom of their shoe. Except one person: Phil Lester.

The Colors in You (ao3) - Phandiction

Summary: Dan is a dragon with scales as black as a moonless night. Part of the Dark's, he’s not supposed to get along with the colorful Chrome dragons from the other side of the island. But after seeing a Chrome for the first time in person, he’s transfixed by the rainbow of colored scales and against his better judgement rescues the dragon from a group of Dark’s seeking to kill it. Now responsible for hiding and protecting the Chrome dragon named Phil until he’s recovered enough to return to his home, Dan questions the laws that's kept the two species from each other for centuries.

The Slave Boy (ao3) - Phandiction

Summary: On his eighteenth birthday Phil receives a quiet and timid slave boy as a gift from his father. Phil intends to make Dan his friend more than a slave but social status and pressure from his father forces the two to keep an emotional distance when it comes to being in public. Behind closed doors though the Master and his slave become close. Phil is expected to take over his father's business and marry a prestigious young girl but this isn't what the young Master wants. What he wants is something he can't have in his world, his slave boy.

(TW) Those Who Trust (ao3) - theshyauthor

Summary: Dan used to be a submissive and now he’s just a broken shell of a man.

Thyme after Thyme (ao3) - chisomo

Summary: Dan Howell runs an apothecary shop in the heart of London, a city wrought with rising tensions between witches and normal humans. Dan tries to ignore the daily instances of prejudice towards his kind and keep his magical abilities a secret, but his life is irrevocably changed when a garden shop is opened next door by a certain sky-eyed young human.

Trust Me, I'm Broken Too (ao3) - natigail

Summary: The Lesters – the royal family of his homeland – was nothing like Dan thought they would be. Well, the King was just as horrible as he had heard but the King’s brother’s son, who was third in line for the throne, was nothing like Dan thought he’d be. Dan had been adrift for three years going from one “place of employment” to another, only his life was seen as worthless and he was more property than an employee. He had never imagined he’s end up as the property of Prince Philip.

The Prince had no intention of ever taking on a personal servant, which was a fancy name to disguise the fact a law essentially enslaved people. Phil often had to do things he didn’t want to or risk being removed from the succession to the crown. If that happened, who knew who his tyrant of an uncle would pick as a successor? When pressured into the choosing, he’d wanted to go for the most innocent, young girl, but hard brown eyes caught his attention instead.

Weather With You (ao3) - Evening42

Summary: Phil moves to an isolated cottage to start his dream of writing a novel. He meets a mysterious silent stranger on the beach who has a tragic history.

-Rae

[thefandom-casserole]

Episode 46 Notes-

- I SAW A SPOILER IM SO SCARED

- WHAT DID SCAM DO

- HERMIE MY BOY

- It’s time to start

- I’m vibrating I’m so scared

- They’re doing a similar opening to when we met Paeden <3333

- OMG THE LAST NAMES I ADORE THIS

- Rock paper scissors 😭

- What was that moan. Omg.

- MATT WHAT

- Why not

- The clussy. Hot clussy autumn

- Taylor RadFact: Taylor’s mom buys Taylor Everything at a Ninja store thing after the incident at the karate thing

- SHE HAS DONE NOTHING WRING YOU ARE SO RIGHT

- “She’s not spending like a single mom” 😭

- What is with their moans wtf they’re so silly

- Linc RadFact: Linc had to sign a NDA (Near Dad Agreement - you have to always be near dad, 2.5 feet) if he wanted to go outside and play with anyone. No fifa if he breaks the rules. They got rid of it when he went to school

- “Hi Will~” me when I talk to my irl bestie wil (not Will Campos I’m not that cool 😞)

- Normal RadFact: He ruined the football game after a botched front handspring. Normal runs Model UN Ecuador and all other countries declare war on him.

- They sound like the hallways I walk down in school 😭

- Scary RadFact: Scary tried to start a petition to make emo music called Black Metal (even though she doesn’t like Black Metal and only likes Emo)

- Daddy Fact: Scam thought it would be funny for Jodie and him <333. He scammed Jodie (straightest man) into falling in love with him

- The real thing here we go 😭

- I’m so scared

- The two genders: Blade pose and whatever the other thing they said was

- INSIDE YOU THERE ARE TWO WOLVES

- hehe

- Wow Shmegan is really smart

- YOU PRETEND TO KILL ME

- THATS SO BAD

- This is going so bad 😭 oh my fucking god

- I ROLL IN

- I ROLL OUT

- A NAT ONE

- A NAT TWENTY

- This is one of their most wild plans omg

- BETH YOURE SO SMART OMG

- Awww poor Hermie

- AHHHH HERMIE

- IM STILL SCARED FOR YOU MAN

- Abraham Lincoln was actually a wrestler I hope Anthony or Freddie or one of them remembers this

- HA TAYLOR LEAVES NORMAL STAYS

- That’s so in character

- “Can I bet on this fight?” SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP

- PAEDEN PLEASE JOIN THIS EPISODE IM BEGGING YOU

- The mascot thing again <3333

- 32 damage. Omg.

- NORMAL SINGS THE NATIONAL ANTHEM FOR TEEN HIGH <3333

- Comparing Britain and the US as exes is wild man

- I missed the autism from Normal omg

- NORMALS IN DEATH SAVES

- Wait nvm Linc saved him

- The music 😭

- Nat one from Abe 😭 Pulling a Paeden there

- Lark and Sparrow ohhhh

- JEZZ BALL OMG OMG

- OMG OMG OMG

- AHHHHHHH

- DEATH SAVES NOOOOOO

- Heyyy Normal and Hermie will have something in common now. They’re both burnt.

- Nat one again 😭 REALLY channeling his Paeden

- ABE LINCOLN IS ALMOST DEAD OMFG

- Linc why do you like Shmegan so much dude

- Booped on the schnoop

- LINC’S PULLING A GRANT OMG

- SPIDER BOIZ

- I love how they used to dunk if Taylor for being a useless ranger but now that he’s a rogue literally everything would be better if he were his old class

- HES JUST YELLING

- THIS DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING

- HIS HEAD EXPLODES

- I LOVE HOW IF THEY DIDNT YRY TO ROLL THAT THING TO SEE IF ANYONE WJATED TO BE A KING THIS WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED AT ALL

- THE STUPID WHIMS OF THE DICE

- He’s no longer dying thank god

- SPIDER BOYYYYYYYY

- He’s lost his mustache nOOOOOOOOO

- Hamilton ayyyyyy

- Heyyyy Grant

- Hide n seek

- Norm pulled a Linc

- He pulled a Henry! Doing what Henry did to Cern

- HA LOSER SHMEGAN IMAGINE HA

- Normal got hit by a bullet omg

- BAD GIRLLLLLLLLL

- BAD GIRLLLLLLL NATTTTT 20

- AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHSHAHAHHSHAHHAHSSHAHAHAHSVS

- OMG I LOVE THIS

- Poor Taylor omg

- Matt did it again 😭 he gave Anthony the choice

- HE WAS SHOT

- OMG OMGOMG OMG AJAVAJBASJJSBAHABDBS

- “For the final time roll performance”

- I’m genuinely crying omg

- “Normal I like you too”

[dameronology]

Hi! How r u? Idk if u still write for peter parker but if you do would u be able to write him comforting reader who is scared to go to uni/college? I start uni this Saturday im so scared lmao I think I've forgotten how to make friends no worries if not tho x

of course!! i hope uni goes well for, i'm in my 3rd year now so if you ever wanna talk/need advice pls feel free to hmu or send me an anon message, i remember how fucking scary it can be

peter picks up on it before you even tell him; he's observant as hell at the best of times but especially when it comes to you

he can see it in the way you used to be super excited at the idea of university - you spend most of your final year of school barely shutting up about it but then the months leading up to it turn into weeks and you barely mention the subject

and when someone else brings it up, you would go nervous and quiet

peter approaches the subject in a gentle manner - asks if you're okay and if you need any help sorting stuff out before you move

it's hard not to open up to him; not only because you have the kind of relationship where you want to tell him everything, but because he genuinely has such a warm and welcoming presence that he's super easy to talk to

he just holds you at first and listens as you let it all out

if you want to cry, he's game for that but just venting is fine too

he kind of wants to distract you but he knows that won't help

after all, his aunt always taught him that the best way to deal things is to actually deal with them

so he starts by talking; by reminding you of why you're going and how excited you've always been

most of all he reminds you that you're 100% capable of doing it and that you shouldn't let yourself be held back by the fear

there's definitely a spiderman anecdote in there too. probably something about how he was scared to be a superhero and now he's saved the world and yada yada yada

peter finds any excuse to bring it up really

that aside, you know he has a good point - that it's important not to let the fear of something make you forget why you're doing it

after that talk, that's when he'll work on distracting you

he'll probably make you hot chocolate and settle you down under a warm blanket with some hot chocolate

he'll help you pack too!! peter is meticulously organised so it'll be a long and tedious process but hell, if it doesn't make your life easier in the long run

and you can bet he's visiting you every weekend as well

headcanon requests are open!!

[imnotbitteranymore-imsyrupysweet]

What Pride feels like to me.

lonely, dark, and heavy. hopeless humanity is all i can see through tear-filled vision, with no hope of ever living for me fully.

claustrophobic, agoraphobic and getting worse with every joke or post i see that’s homo/transphobic.

i’m scared to go to pride for mass shootings or bombings, so i think i’ll push myself past it but as i tell my parent i love them to get ready to go i’m suddenly overcome with the fear of everything. i swallow down my tears for moments more - turning back from the door, give excuses as to why that don’t force forth the cry. so i don’t sound dramatic when i say i was just afraid id die.

but i see it in their eyes too, i feel it in the tension of the room and the forced positivity for the rainbow under such clouds of gloom. they were just as scared, they just want me to be safe. Like any parent should want, right? their baby not to be scared to walk, day or night, that they don’t have to hide and could go outside the house as themselves without landing them in a life-or-death fight.

but the world is a scary place. but what they don’t get, see, or feel for me is, one less chance turns into yet another year of fear. another year of me, alone, crying in the very bedroom of my childhood home that i learned it all in. every single piece of me that i turned over in my tiny hands. the very ones i clasped every night praying it away, along with any people showing kindness of saying that who i was was okay.

the very bed sheets i muffled those cries into. the ones i bunched up to feel like i knew what it felt like holding someone in the night, too.

i wish sometimes to wring them thin, i have but not like this - i want to drain them of every tear. i want each and every one of them back. every drop of heartache, silent shatters for others hearts sake, every ounce of blood sweet and tears that it has come to collect.

i’m not sure why, or what i’d do with it.

perhaps, i could bottle it, and then see - see all those years of pain in silence, wasted, behind me.

maybe that’s it, maybe then i could move on from what haunts me. if i could just see it, make all of that hurt something physical to show me, validate me in all of it so i could let go of any of this.

i keep thinking i have and then im right back.. here. i still dress certain ways and am afraid of my natural ways. don’t be too loud, don’t draw attention, deepen you voice, talk proper non of that girly shit, walk straight, talk straight.

to be hyperaware of every aspect of myself even for the only thing i really leave the house for, walking my dog, is tearing away any bit of mental health i build. i thought- god, i don't know what i thought.

i guess i thought i’d never be back here. that by now, i would be in a place, at least of mind, where i was free to be me. but still i look in the mirror and so rarely just see me. rather, accompanying, always it seems, is every glare, every passing remark, every lonely day at school choosing that over getting made fun of or letting someone close enough, every time i averted my eyes, instead, looking to the ground when passing anyone in this god forsaken town. --------------

(sort of separate/i wrote this portion below, first, then once i started crying at the end of this i went back up and wrote all that.. so.. yeah. i feel a bit better now though) 

every time this month comes along all i can see are the thumbs downs out weighing the likes of articles for us

 i feel like a whale strung through with a harpoon they cruelly tie weights to once i’ve enough blows to fashion rope around.

i try, i really try, every year, if i’m honest, almost every second of the day to embrace myself and let go of all their hate. i try to focus on the love and the ones out there that accept us... but at the end, i always end up feeling that crushing feeling of hates weight, pulling down on me.

i want to be proud of who i am and exactly as i was made. how i am when i let go of the hateful, close-minded people out there and focus on only the peace i come to make in here. but i end up hunched over even alone, it comes infectious, seeping into my home. and again, i find myself hating who i am because even if i love me and they hate me, and i’m fine with that, but what gets me every time is the hate that others receive greater than mine, because i hide away. i’m a quiet gay, you could say.

i can go around and be just fine for the most part, but on those off days that i come to feel so comfortable in myself exactly as i’m made and i want to dare to wear something fashionable in a more fun way, i instantly wonder if i will be okay. if i’ll make it home or if someone will hit me, kill me, abduct me and release all their hate unto me rather than just through the violently, hateful words.

i don’t get it, i never will. i’ve been on both sides, explored so many faiths and philosophies to see everything from every angle, but i still will never understand why some people choose to hate, to hate another human that is merely loving, loving another human or themselves.

to love this self that you say is created in gods image, and whom this god loves so dearly that he killed his only son for. just like you, he loves us in our sin. if you must call our love this.

but, let me just say this. as much as it hurts, i gladly will die and i cry in my sin of true love. i just hope you one day can see that you will die in your sin of hate if you don’t reflect and change your ways.

my heart, overcome with love for all humans exactly as they are in their good and bad, makes me weep, it always has. and i don’t pray, least not in that way, but i do pray that i keep hold of this, this heart, as soft as a baby birds despite all the hate it gets. and i pray that yours too may soften, and actually hear the truth that sings throughout all of time and space; that, above all we should love, and as challenging as it may be, everyone from you to me, that is the whole human race should love no matter what they face. it’s terribly hard but i am grateful for all that i’ve gone through thus far for it has made my heart grow, my mind too, in order to love all humans the way in which i do. i only pray, or wish whatever suits you, that you receive this grace too.

(It seems, pride is still fear. And that i don't know any other way to be)

[beetlepuff]

No because imagine Robin Buckley knocking on mr.Hauser’s door nearing graduation day, and telling him that she finally has her list for operation croissant. Like her just all happy and smiley and he’s so happy for her and just yeah. I need more of this duo.

Ok i wrote this a while ago and it’s rlly bad because idk how to write but there’s a little one shot under the keep reading :)

“Robin Buckley, long time no see.”

“Mr. Hauser, hi. Yeah uh its been a while”.

“Well come in, come in.”

She walks in and doesn’t say much, just looking around and taking in the room she spent so many lunch periods in. “So how are the language tapes going?”

“Oh um good, good. I started learning Russian. I mean with everything going on i had to put it down for a while but I’ve been wanting to pick it up again.”

“That makes sense yea. So that’s French of course , Italian, ..spanish?”

“Spanish and pig Latin.”

“Right yes. Did i ever tell you how incredible that is”

She answers with an awkward chuckle

“Right so what brings you back?”

“what i cant just catch up with my favorite teacher before i graduate?”

“Robin..”

She cant help but break out in a grin. “I have my list! My three people i mean- for operation croissant!”

And he has to admit he’s a little dumbfounded that she hasn’t stopped thinking about operation croissant. He thought that her slowly stopping her frequent visits meant things were getting better, but she does seem excited about her list. There was a time where he thought she might not find friends her age, friends that would stick around that is. It can’t hurt to encourage this more than he has- albeit indirectly- in the past “thats great! But I’m pretty sure the semester finished a little while ago” he jokes.

“Better late than never right” and god she just cant stop smiling

“Right” he chuckles. “So? Who are the lucky three, don’t keep me in suspense here”

“Okay okay this might seem a bit odd but- *sigh* idk last summer and spring break changed a lot- argh! Ok! Anyways! Steve Harrington- which, i know believe me i know, but he’s a really great guy i promise. He’s changed a lot since his high school days. And um Nancy Wheeler  🤭  -who is just full of surprises btw- , and Eddie Munson.!” Robin gave no more details on Munson, slightly scared of how mr.Hauser would react, but she trusts him, he wouldn’t judge either of them.

“How did that come to be”

“Well you see, it all started last summer when steve and i were working together at starcourt before yk.. everything. And we sort of just bonded? Ig? It- its hard to explain. But with him its like the hawkings monster-” ironic, she thinks, “- isnt that scary anymore. Like i can fully be myself around him and he wont judge. Oh! But its not- its not like how it sounds. We aren’t dating, god no. I love him but not like that. He’s a real dingus you know.”

“please Robin you know i know better than to assume the state of your love life”

“right. well uh yeah and then Nancy and Eddie sort of got closer over spring break. And i know its sort of an odd group but they’re really great. and they accept me, all of me. I wouldnt trade them for the world.”

“im really happy for you robin. seriusly.”

“Me too.  …um mr.hauser, do you remember what you told me, about the paper with the black dot, referencing-“

“the lottery. yeah, yea i remember..” silently asking why

“well. i dont know if you know- well you probably had an idea i guess but- i also pulled out the paper with the black dot. and im not scared of being stoned anymore. at least not by them.”

“well i cant say i didnt have any idea.. but as i said. i know better than to assume.”

“right, right. well what about you, and your hawkins monster.. and front row center?”

“oh, im good, that so happens to be going very well. sort of a safe heaven from my hawkings monster if you will”

“good. thats great im really happy for yo-”

sprinting footsteps pass down the hall, just passing the english teacher’s door, then reteating to peek their head inside “Rob? you coming?”

“yeah, just a sec nance” turning to her and smiling.

Nancy nods and turns to leave after a polite “bye mister hauser”

He lifts a hand to wave even though shes out of sight already “bye ms.wheeler” and turns back to robin

“Well i should get going, Steve is probably outside waiting.. he’s my ride.”

“Yeah no of course” He leaned back on his desk, watching as she smiled and opened the door. She’s at the door frame when he stops her “Robin.” She turns around with a lifted eyebrrow “im proud of you”

“Thanks. A-and I promise ill come by more, yk before i leave”

“Ill see you around kiddo.”

“Yeah :)” [exits].

[beconsumed]

i know i said i wasn’t coming back until next week but i need to spit this all out then go again a big huge reason why i haven’t been online is the fact that my family is still very very covid safe. and i mean like ACTUALLY covid safe as in we barely leave the house we don’t see family we only go get groceries or once in a while when we get too stir crazy we will run to a fun store or 2 like joanns which is always empty or some yard sales. we haven’t seen some close family since before this started (and they now think we’re insane) and the family we have seen is like quick driveway exchanges of gifts and some quick chats and thats it! and its so incredibly enraging and disappointing to log on and see people going to the movies and concerts and going on dates or going to bars or going out to eat and hanging out with friends every day like . do you get it. do you get how much this sucks . it is so goddamn depressing and awful  .a family member of mine is immunocompromised BUT even if they weren’t we would still be doing this because

A) covid isn’t a fucking cold its so scary? how are you not all scared? long covid is the scariest thing ive seen how are people not more scared! we don’t even know everything its going to do to us but we know plenty enough to be terrified!!!! and B) WE CARE ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE! we don’t want to possibly be spreading covid without knowing to anyone! especially people who have to risk their lives to work or to get groceries or pick up meds or go to the doctor and are already at risk, why would i want to put them at further risk so i can like “have fun” for a night?

when i say my family goes somewhere/does something we are all double masked with KF 94′s and we are vax’d obviously but like that doesn’t mean as much when no one wears a fucking mask or they do but they went to a concert the night before or a family dinner or whatever the fuck!

it kills me how much all of this stuff im saying is similar to what everyone was saying at the beginning but now those same people have thrown it out the window because they decided staying in the house was too boring which, IT IS BORING! WE DON’T WANT TO BE DOING THIS!!!! i can’t get over people’s willful ignorance in how much this sucks for people actually being safe like, we AREN’T HAVING FUN! but does that mean we just give up and stop caring?!?!? and willful ignorance in the harm being caused every time someone goes to a gathering or hangs out with friends or whatever like . is the domino effect of spreading lost on everyone or what?? and btw i am so sick of people just saying they’re “being safe” when its a situation where its literally not true? like at LEAST be honest with it that’s better than lying about it!

its really the entitlement i can’t stomach it makes me SICK how people think that its fine if they’re not safe because they “want to make memories” they “want to live life to the fullest” they “don’t want to miss out” they’re “lonely” whatever idiotic excuse they make for being an ass AS IF WE DON’T HAVE THOSE SAME FEELINGS?!?!? of COURSE we want to go places, OF COURSE we want to see our friends and family, OF COURSE we want to have some fun, so what makes you so fucking special?!?!? why are you the priority over everyone else?!?! what happened to thinking about others?!?! you’re willing to put other’s at risk, to sacrifice others, to see a fucking concert or eat dinner in a restaurant?!?!

like watching my sibling go through his senior year online while everyone he knows is getting to make their happy graduation memories while he’s stuck at home actually worrying about our health and the health of others has been the most heartbreaking experience, he’s finishing high school so lonely because he can’t find others who feel the same way as him, and everyone thinks we’re “overly dramatic” or whatever for being SAFE!!! what makes it so that you deserve to get those happy memories but those who are at risk or caring for those at risk undeserving??

i know its been said but it has not been said enough that these years have reeeaaally shown people’s true colors in regards to how much they actually care about disabled people and any other high risk groups.