#i was having weird intrusive thoughts last night about how i am not in fact a writer and then when i actually write it's like oh

[muntadhir]

crying about vile geppetto at 3am

this is from an RP because I am incapable of sharing fic wips for some reason

It would be a simple thing to mumble more of his apologies, but somehow they feel distant, raw. As if he is at the opera house — crumbling now, thanks to him — and he is watching a play about himself. The structure of the play is terrible, the dialogue, the acting, but most of all the character of Giuseppe Geppetto is vile, contemptible. Who in the audience might relate to such a man? No one, he thinks. No one. "You needn't accept my apology. I would never expect such." And still he can't help but feel he is living on borrowed time. Even if his puppet — his son — keeps his secrets, it's only a matter of time before someone pries too deeply into the origins of the Frenzy, and what then? How tall might his tower of lies grow before it collapses beneath his feet? Giuseppe touches his son's shoulder: greedily, he thinks, but he lets himself imagine they both need this. "If anything, I hope that you don't accept my pathetic excuse for an apology. At least not publicly. Then" — when the truth comes to light for the survivors of Krat, he doesn't say, with all the implications such entails — "you can claim ignorance, and you will not share in my stain."

[hahahahahangst]

My own Rihanna (Be The Young 21)

GIANT TW which will be valid for each episode for suicidal thoughts, self-h*rm, violence, cursing, relatives dying, mentions of s*x, s*xual assault

All chapter titles are song titles, some of them translated from Italian songs. We start from the first season and make out way through the series. I will break canon (mostly from the S2 finale) but will try to get back into it for the sake of ✨ lore ✨ .

Summary: Emily's life used to be normal. Until one day, her family died, leaving behind just one letter.

"After reading this whole letter, call John Winchester. [...] He’s your real father."

A/N: Yeah. I’m sorry for this one. And for the next one. Like... I’m sorry....

MASTERLIST

My own Rihanna

Everything ends, it’s not love but the fact we’re both hurt that keeps us together We were not two halves, we were two wholes And so we were incompatible together I didn’t love you like crazy, I went crazy to love you What am I supposed to demonstrate if you don’t even look at me We’re two monsters You spent more time being afraid of losing me than actually enjoying our time

Emily was unsure of how she ended up where she was. 

One day she woke up and she was in a house, in the middle of nowhere, with a lot of other people around who all seemed to have powers like hers. With no way of contacting her brothers, she had to take matters into her own hands and guide the very unlikely group of “chosen children'' that was formed in that abandoned city. She tried to pretend to be strong and not afraid, in control, but she was slowly spiraling, not having any idea of what they were up against or how to get out of there, especially as Ava grew more and more nervous and upset.

Sam joined them the following day. 

When she saw him appear in the room, she could do nothing but hug him. She could feel how scared he was, but there was also a hint of relief from finally finding her. It was good to have their power back and after weeks, it actually started feeling less weird and intrusive. It just became a fact that if they were feeling something intense, the other person would feel it too. 

On the night she was reunited with Sam, the yellow-eyed demon spoke to her in her dreams. He raved and raved about how much more powerful than everybody else she was, about how she should be the winner of his “contest“, because she was “special”.

“Technically, you’ve already won once.” He said, shrugging. “I just want to see if you can win again.”  Then, he showed her the night he chose her. 

“You see, getting all that blood out of me wasn’t easy. But I needed to see what would happen if I overpowered you. The other people in this town… they only got a couple of drops. More than enough to mess you up, but you and the rest of your group… Oh, the things you could have done.” 

“You know that demons lie of the time, right?” Said Sam as she talked to him about all this. They were walking outside the building, making sure nobody else had arrived and that they didn't have any unwanted guests. 

 “I know, but… what if it's true? I mean, Meg also mentioned it.”

“Maybe he's trying to put us against each other?”

“Yeah, maybe.” She exhaled. “Sam, I'm going to check on Ava, will you be okay out here?” 

The rest of the memories she had of that day were confused, scattered, but mostly painful. 

In any way possible. That was the last time she saw him alive.

Dean arrived too late. 

Emily had been trying to keep Sam alive for almost an hour. Everybody else was dead. Her knife was still in Jake, who Emily had repeatedly stabbed, screaming. He now laid on the ground, a pool of blood slowly soaking into the dirt. Everybody else was dead. It was just Emily.  

A pool of blood was also forming around Sam. All of Emily's attempts at keeping him alive were failing. 

“Don't worry Sam, you'll be alright, I am sure Dean will be here soon and he will know what to do.” She kept whispering as she covered his wound with one hand and tried to keep his heart beating with the other one. “He’ll know what to do.” She said, “He will save you.” There was nothing to do. Sam had been stabbed from side to side. There was no way of keeping the blood inside of him. Emily knew it.

She knew he was dead. He had been for a while. His heart stopped beating, his lungs stopped working. The blade went through his spine. The bottom half of her body and her forearms were completely covered in blood, the border between hers, Sam's and Jake's becoming indistinguishable the more it dried on her. 

When she heard Dean's voice, she had already given up. She was kneeling next to Sam, her head on his chest, squeezing his lifeless hand. She wasn’t even crying anymore, her voice lost in all the screaming she had already done.

She did not dare to talk. She drove back by herself, trying to keep up with Dean's reckless turns and speed. When they got back at Bobby's, she looked at Dean from a distance. 

She knew perfectly well that a small word, a breath too loud, would ignite a fight she did not want to have. Not then, not there.

Not anymore.

Sam was dead because of her. Because of her distraction.

She left him alone. She should have never left him alone. It was all her fault. 

She thought it and she was sure Dean thought it too. 

Nobody spoke for the rest of the night. Emily sat on the couch, looking at Dean's every move. She tried to cry as quietly as possible. 

She didn't wash her body or her clothes, the stench of the dried blood perpetually making its way into her lungs. 

The fried chicken Bobby brought back remained untouched. 

Emily dared to move only when she saw Dean opening up the second whiskey bottle of the night. She stood up, pretending to be confident and holding her breath to stop her sobbing. She walked to the table and slid the bottle away from Dean’s hands. Emily poured herself a big glass of whiskey and tentatively sat down next to Dean. 

He briefly looked at her, but didn't say anything. 

Emily looked at Sam's body. All she wanted was for him to pop up into her head and say something witty and wise, something along the lines of “you should talk with Dean, it will help”. Something that, she was sure, would have annoyed her. 

“Dean, I-” She tried to say.

“Shut up.” He immediately interrupted her, his knuckles whitening as he held his glass a little tighter. 

Emily looked at him. What was she thinking, sitting there like that? How could she ever even think for a split second of being normal siblings for one day? She stood up, nervous. “Okay, I'll-” she started, taking one step towards the main room. 

“GOD DAMMIT I SAID SHUT UP, NOT LEAVE!” Yelled Dean, grabbing her from her wrist and making Emily stop in the middle of the step, startled. She looked over to him, tears already filling her eyes. Dean let go of her wrist as if it was made of fire. “Sorry- Just… just sit down. Please.” His voice was filled with regret.

Emily made her way back to her chair. She took a deep breath. 

It's not a good time to fight.

It's not a good time to cry. 

She kept repeating in her mind. 

A couple hours of silence later, Bobby showed up again, with the same, cold, soggy chicken he had already offered them twice. 

They refused in unison. 

“You should eat something.” He said. Emily was trying to find a polite way to send him his way, but Dean had, of course, other plans. 

“I said I am fine.” He said, sharp. 

“Dean, I hate to bring this up, I really do,“ he said, putting down the chicken. Emily tried to signal him to stop, already knowing what he wanted to ask, but he either didn't see or ignored her. “But don't you think maybe it's time… we bury Sam?” 

A window basically exploded on Emily's right. Nobody even questioned or reacted to it, but Emily knew full well it was her. It wasn’t the first time she was having trouble controlling her powers when she was upset. 

“No.” Simply said Dean, going back to his glass of whiskey. 

“Maybe we could…“ 

“What? Torch his corpse? Not yet.” 

The glass in Emily's hand exploded, cutting her. She was only able to mutter a slight profanity before Bobby spoke again. “I want you to come with me, I don't think you should be alone.”

“I'm not alone, Emily is here.”

“Right, so instead of killing yourself, you kill each other? How is that of any help?” Dean stood up, but Emily immediately grabbed his jacket and dragged him back down. Surprisingly, he opposed no resistance and just fell back onto the chair. 

“Bobby, just go, okay? We'll be fine.” Said Emily, firmly holding Dean's forearm. The old man took two steps to the side of the door, so that only Emily could see him, and signaled her to come. She walked out of the room and closed the door behind her, Dean scowling at her every step. 

“Listen, something is going down. Something apocalyptic. I could use your help.”

“Bobby, no. You are right, Dean shouldn’t be here alone. We'll be fine. Really. You go.” The man patted her shoulder and left. Emily went back in the room and sat next to Dean, who was sniffing and hiding his face. 

All of a sudden, Emily remembered what Sam said to her in the hospital, when Dean was dying. “Just do it.” 

It took her a big dose of courage, she wasn't even sure why it was so hard, but she finally put her hand on Dean's shoulder. At first, he seemed startled. He froze under the touch. But after a handful of seconds, she felt his body relax slightly and he put his own hand on hers. 

For a split second she thought that maybe… everything was going to be okay. 

When night arrived, the yellow-eyed demon appeared in front of her. She stood up, alarmed. Dean stayed exactly where he saw and when Emily checked again, she noticed that her body did too. It was like a weird dream. 

She instinctively pointed her gun at the demon. He smiled.

“Howdy, Emily.” 

She didn't answer, but kept pointing the gun at him, conscious that it would have done nothing. “You wanna put that away?” 

He stood there, silently, until Emily finally lowered her gun. “Congratulations, by the way. You are the last man standing. Again.”

“Bite me.” She said, bitter. 

“Oh come on, don't be like that. I was rooting for you!” 

“Did you at least have fun?” She snapped. “Was it really necessary? For Sam to die?” 

“I needed the strongest and I didn't want to settle for the silver medal. I want the golden champion, and that's you.”

“What do you even need me for?” 

“Oh, I got a laundry list of things for you to do…“

“Yeah right. As if I would follow any of your orders.”

“What are you going to do, kill me?”

“I don't know, I might.”

“You have failed once, what makes you think you would succeed this time?” He smirked. “Besides… If you help me, I'll help you.” He said. Pointing at Sam. 

“Define… help.” 

“I might bring your brother back. Imagine… all would be forgiven. Your brother Dean, you secretly idolize him, don't you?” Emily scoffed. “Darling, no need to lie to me, I see inside of you. Just imagine- He would forgive you for letting Sam die like this. Maybe… Maybe he might also tell you that he's proud of you. He might be just like the Dean you dreamt about in the djinn’s hallucination.” 

Emily swallowed, staring at Dean's frozen image, crying over his brother. 

She knew it was not a good idea, but it was still an idea. The only one she had all night.

If she could bring Sam back, all would have been forgiven, all would have been solved. 

“What do I need to do?” She asked. 

Emily closed her eyes one second too long and fell asleep. When she opened them again, Dean was not next to her anymore. She ran out of the kitchen doors and saw him about to leave. 

“Going somewhere?” She asked. 

“I-'' Dean tried to speak, but was interrupted by the door slamming behind him. That time, Emily did it on purpose, because she had seen what he had in his hand. She made sure she also made the key turn and flew directly in her hand. “What is that?!” He pointed at the metal box he was holding.

“None of your business.” He spat. 

Emily quickly walked over to him. “I have read every single book in this room, you think I don’t recognize it?” She said, enraged. “You are selling your soul, aren’t you?'

“It's my soul, I can do whatever I want with it.” 

“You sick…“ spat Emily, pushing Dean against the wall, adding a new adjective to each step. ”... unaffectionate, egoistic bastard.” Dean let the box fall when he finally hit the wall. Emily kicked it behind her. “Have you already forgotten how it felt when dad did the same for you?!” 

“You really don't understand, do you?!” 

“I don't-'' She repeated, exasperated, closing her left hand into a fist as she kept Dean pinned against the wall with the other one “What am I supposed to do, uh?” Dean rolled his eyes. “Just watch you kill yourself? The grip she had on him was getting so tight she lifted him a couple of inches off the ground.

“Honestly? I don't care.” He said, cold. Emily punched him. He barely reacted. She hit him again, bursting into tears immediately after. “Is this how much you really care about me?” She said, “What am I supposed to do once you die?” 

“You can go back to Portland and live your dream life, I don’t really care.”. Emily could not resist the urge of punching him yet again. 

“What about you stop trying to kill yourself?” She yelled. “The virus thing first, now this! What on earth has happened to you?”  

“Emily, you are the only thing standing between me and a world where Sam is not dead.”

“I swear to god“ Emily pushed Dean further into the wall, which she heard crack under the pressure. ”... you will have to step over my dead body to get out that door.” 

“Don’t… challenge me.” Emily threw Dean away from the wall and pushed him on the floor. 

“So that’s it, uh?” She said, trying her best to not get interrupted by her sobbing, which was slowly closing down her nose. “You’d rather have me dead than having to spend the rest of your life alone with me?” She tried to kick him in the stomach but only managed to get to his shins. “So much for being my brother.” Emily turned her back to her brother and leaned towards the window next to the door. She placed her head on the cold glass as she heard her brother stand back up. “Dean, there has to be another way!” 

“There isn’t.” 

“DID YOU EVEN TRY LOOKING?!” She yelled, turning to push him towards the opposite wall. His gaze suddenly turned to anger. “Or did you just go with the most self destructive solution of them all?” She was expecting a punch. She stared at him for a couple of seconds before starting to yell again. “LOOK AT YOU! Goddamit, Dean, I have been hitting you for ten minutes and you haven’t even reacted yet!”

“Don’t-” 

“STOP - TALKING!” She said, punching the wall next to Dean’s head. “The Dean I know would have punched me already- I SAID SHUT UP!” She screamed as he saw him opening his mouth again. “I DON’T NEED YOU TO TAKE ALL MY PUNCHES, I NEED MY BROTHER!”

“I AM NOT YOUR BROTHER!” He finally snapped back. Emily’s body froze for a second, a window exploded and only then, she let go of him. Her face turned emotionless. 

It was all for nothing. 

She had been suffering for years, trying to bond, listening to Sam saying “You just need to get over the fear of getting attached to each other“ and trying to believe it, all for someone who didn’t even consider her family. 

“Right.” She whispered, drying her face. “Of course. How could I ever think something like that.” She took the key to the door out of her jeans pocket and threw it on the table. 

“You know what?” She continued, not even trying to hide her crying anymore. “Have it your way. Kill yourself. I don’t care anymore.” She swallowed the actual words she wanted to say. Just be my brother. I care about you. I can’t be alone right now. Don’t let me walk out that door. Please care about me.

She opened the door. 

Just say something. 

A word. 

Just one. 

Give me one reason to stay.

“It’s all your fault.” 

Definitely not the words Emily wanted to hear. 

She left the house and sat in the same stolen car she had used to go back there. 

She drove to Fall Parks and sat on a bench. 

That was it. 

That was the night she was going to kill herself. 

She had nothing left to live for. 

“Now, now, don’t be like that.” Said a voice next to her, startling her. The demon had appeared next to Emily. “I am sure it’s nothing bringing back Sam can’t fix.” He smiled suggestively. 

“No. I am not helping you.” 

“What are you going to do then?” 

“None of your business.” 

“Oh, come on, I am literally the only person who would talk to you right now.” He looked at her, sympathetically. 

“Very funny. Can you leave?” 

“I was thinking…“ he started, completely ignoring her request. “If you are about to kill yourself, why not die while trying to get your brother back? Maybe Dean could change his mind about you not being part of the family.” Emily finally met his yellow gaze. “Of course, bringing back Sam would be something so big… Dean would have no choice than to love you back, right? Damn, he might even start worrying about you just like he does for Sam.” 

Emily was unsure. Did she really want to have anything to do with Dean anymore? 

All she wanted for all of it to stop. To never have to worry about that again. 

To take a sharp object and trace a long, vertical line on her forearm. One that would last forever. 

“Emily, the life you have always dreamed about, the one where Dean always eats your pie and hugs you when you are down, the life where you are not the family disappointment… The key to get that is just to bring Sam back.” She swallowed, trying to rationalize what he was saying. “You would become Dean’s favorite. He would never dare to hurt you ever again.” 

Fuck it.

“Okay. I am in.”

[fraener]

3/19/23

yesterday it was 64 out. we’ve nearly gotten past the last frost, there are a few cold nights looming ahead. the day was beautiful and sharp and strange. hans and i had a picnic in the park and while he was out getting a new pair of waders i watched the track house burn, start to nearly finish. the air was heavy with the heat of the day and the fire made a sound like it was crawling. we went back in the night, hans and i, and a few of his coworkers were there watching the last embers leap in the dark. the smoke made us cough and we got weird white stuff on our shoes. the fire department hadnt turned the water main off so everything was flooded. ive been walking so much lately, its helping with everything. i decided not to take that job this summer after all, which of course now im regretting just a bit. i just didnt feel like it was going to be a good environment to work in, they werent being transparent with me about what they were hiring me for through the interviewing process and i didnt like being asked to only teach things that were easily marketable. i dont like a school thats focused on turning a profit rather than providing diverse and unique learning opportunities. plus the pay was going to be shit. i might work for the geoduck farm, but im not fully sure yet. ive been having terrible luck with the grocery shopping, things keep going wrong or something i bring home is off. tonight i spilled my dinner on the floor but i didnt get mad, i just laughed and cleaned it up. i feel a little lighter than usual, i think i feel good. i can feel the writhing worm of anxiety under my surface but i feel good. last night rosie slept next to me in the crook of my body all night long. hans told me this morning that r really didnt like how i carried myself or the fact that i disagreed with her and talked back to her. to her she always found me difficult to control, threatening to her manipulation web and harbored a good amount of resentment for me was incredibly freeing. i dont feel bad about anything ive done now because it doesnt have anything to with me. all of this could have been prevented had she been honest, but she was having a hard time scraping me off, clearly. i ran into amys michael on the street which was a wonderful surprise. ive been reacting poorly to dairy lately, i think all of my allergies are really heightened right now. everything is starting to bloom, the osoberry and the redcurrant and the daffodils and violets are filling the air with pollen and scent. even the plum and cherry trees are opening, slowly but surely. i turned the bed over for spring today, well see if im warm enough. the equinox is tomorrow. the heather gave me a big branch of monkey puzzle tree the other day. i finished up with school for now except my eval meeting. my final critique went well, people liked my work and complimented me a lot on it. one of my classmates said the plate with hans on it looked like it was cracking because the love we had couldnt be contained and it made me cry a little. i love him so much, being with him is helping me heal so much, not being punished for who i am by someone i love is healing me so much. climbing out of the depression, certainly, but not quite there with the anxiety. still have some climbing to go. although things have improved so much in the last year... my intrusive thoughts are much quieter and one track. theyre really only focused on the one thing most of the time, which i am seeing like when im washing the sink and all the gunk gets swished into one little heap headed for the drain trap. were going to work on unburdening in therapy this week a little so i think thatll help. the smell of the rain on the hot pavement today nearly made me cry. actually i did tear up a little, i felt so at peace and unbothered by anything. everything is ringing out a little clearer each time, i am really feeling a return to myself bigger and bigger with each ring. i feel much more comfortable with myself than i did in the voyeuristic relationship i had to myself last year. this year has passed so fast to me in this moment; i feel like everything with o happened so recently. in some ways it did i suppose, only 5 months ago. i want to write more poetry again. i feel like ive woken up from underneath something the last few days, i hope it stays that way. the spring is beautiful. everything is reaching for the light of the sun this year so hard, as if we all felt the quake of my emotions and grief and fear this winter. i was so arrested. i am so close to free now.

[visible-buttholegirl]

that moment when you have gay thoughts... again.

but seriously folks!! i have been doing a LOT of thinking lately. lots of reflecting on my life and considering how i want to live my life moving forward and who i want to include in that. someone i would like to continue including in my life is a good friend of mine who also happens to be a gay man. this is something that is unfortunately new(ish) to me and it brings me so much joy and comfort in being able to relate to someone so much. i am not usually able to relate to straight men or women, or even queer women, quite like i can with another queer man (of course). in the past i have wondered if these feelings i had towards him were deeper than just a friendship or if i convinced myself i had to be interested in him just because he was a gay man in my proximity. those feelings would come and go, but would be a major source of anxiety for interacting with him, and that frustrated me so much because i want to have him as a friend and not worry about all these other factors. if he made a move on me, perhaps i would see it through, but i don't think that necessarily means much. but this last weekend we went out to a gay bar and had a ton of fun. i honestly felt so happy that night, seeing a drag show, dancing to bangers, and again talking to him about guys and also gay shit people would say lol almost feels like him and i are novices navigating the gay world together. things were said that night that lead me to overthink interactions and wonder what could have been. tonight we hung out again solo style and this time he took me to hot yoga, which was something i'd never done til now. i was so nervous about it, i think i honestly made myself a little sick, but i had a chat with another friend about my complicated feelings and i think that brought me a lot of peace of mind. then we got to hot yoga and i did it and while i had some unrelated intrusive thoughts (lol) i did not have any weird feelings about them. in fact, after this whole night, i feel rather solidified in the fact that he and i are just friends, and it makes me happy to feel more assured of that. i'm not entirely sure why i felt the need to share this on Tumblr but i think just so i can write out that gay life is complicated especially when the dating is not really happening as often as you'd like. ANYWAYS, as you were!

[cosmictulips]

Star commander! I am trying to look more at the symbolism of my dreams, but it’s sometimes really hard! Can you help me? Last night I dreamt that I dropped a syringe with a needle in, and the needle fell off. So I searched for it under the bed I slept in (in my dream, not my own bed). Under the bed I found the needle, but I also found many sewing needles that must have been dropped and lost under the bed in the past. I collected them all, and showed the person I was with. I was happy, and exited that I had found so many needles. And only feeling a little bitter sweet, but glad that I found them and could keep them, because in the dream those needles used to belong to my grandma who passed away in the spring.

I have tried to look up needle symbolism, but I don’t understand it, and I also think it should be connected with it being under a bed and something left from a family member maybe. How would you interpret this dream? And do you have sources you could recommend for me to find dream symbolism and interpretations? Or the way you do it?

Helllooo Star Cadet =D

so I wanted to give this some thought. hence how long this took me to respond lmao.

soooo the first thing I kind of thought of with needles is the suit of swords in tarot. and while the suit of swords isn't necessarily a good story, it is symbolism of thoughts. and this is even more highlighted with the idea of your grandmother.

and even google kind of backs this up. so this is my interpertation of the dream.

to me, this dream is about your grandmother letting you know of hidden challenges you will face in your lifetime. this could be mental considering the air energy and the fact it's under the bed. being under the bed can correlate to "monsters under the bed" so in essence, everything we keep hidden.

fears, intrusive thoughts, trauma, etc.

I think that, depending on what colors are in the dream, this is just a message telling you to embrace what you have. you were clearly happy and bittersweet about the needles. this means that even though there may be pain and suffering, you have thread, and talent. you can sew and repair what needs to be done. just because something or someone is "Damaged" so to speak, does not mean there is no value. things can always be fixed.

Now the syringe is a little weird for me haha. this could be about "injecting" you with something or taking it away. like how we get our blood drawn versus how we get vaccines or something like that. it can just be a way for you to reawaken what you think you might have lost OR it can help you to awaken hidden talents.

now as for resources and stuff on dream interpertations.

I'm not going to lie to you, I don't really use much outside of google. I keep a dream journal so I've had to learn a lot about colors and numbers and weird things because it just... my dreams are so abstract lmao.

there is like this big book of dream interpertations or something like that that people swear by. it's like a dictionary or something. let me see if I can find the link. if so, it'll be HERE. this is the site I use most often for quick reference.

but yea, I hope this helps even a little. honestly, only you can really know what a dream means. dreams are different for everyone and people can interpert things differently.

[mxchellesworld]

Discuss!

Spencer Reid x Reader

Synopsis; Where the team discusses the question ‘do you kiss after head’, you find out Spencer has too little experience to answer the question so you help him out

Warnings; smut, oral (male receiving), sub!spencer, praise, slight degradation 

a/n; LMAO im so sorry for disappearing again life has been actually kicking my ass but anyways lately i’ve been thinking about subby early season spence so here we go,, hope you enjoy!

***

Another Friday night and the team was out bar crawling after an easy case. But this time all members were there as it reached 11pm which was rare. Usually Hotch and JJ would have been home by 10:30 and Spencer wouldn’t have been there at all. But there was something light in the air which had all parties concerned sitting packed in a booth, laughing after each sip of their drinks. 

Since it wasn’t your first rodeo together you knew how the night went. It started off with Rossi offering to buy the first few rounds, always whiskey but he made an exception for Penelope. Then again who would deny her anything. 

Once the drinks were flowing and lips got a little loose, the questions would start popping in at the top of your heads. However these were not your run of the mill, ‘hows so and so doing?’ ‘done your taxes yet?’ oh no. The name of the game was discuss where you would all think of a question which would help you dig just a tiny bit deeper into your coworkers sex lives. 

Maybe if you were all sober then you’d avoid thinking of each other in such positions, pun intended, yet in this state your prying minds were open and your stomachs were ready to grow abs from bending over in laughter. 

You raised the margarita glass up clinking it with a fork to get the tables attention. Everyone including Aaron had a smile on their face, ready to hear the intrusive question for the night. 

“Ok my fellow profilers, doctor, and tech genius,” you added pointing at Spencer then Pen, “Do you kiss your partner after they give you head? Discuss!” you finished in your most formal voice. 

Right as you took a swig of your drink the mixed responses of yes and no filled your small space. 

“Why wouldn’t you? You guys especially, if someones willingly trying to swallow then you damn well owe them a kiss,” Emily finished earning nods and ‘exactly’s from JJ, Pen, and yourself. 

“Ok but thats weird. I just can’t explain it but its a no go for me,” Morgan finished. This only gained him a scoff and raised voices, “Hotch man help me out here,” he said looking over to the man hiding his smirk behind the amber liquid. 

“I have to agree with the ladies here Derek,” he said curtly. 

The girls yelped and hooted at Hotch for siding with them while Morgan sat with his arms crossed being the singular person left out as even Rossi agreed. Meanwhile you noticed the presence next to you had shrunk back and wasn’t too active in the conversation. 

“So Spence do you kiss your partner after they,” you trailed off shaking your fist by your cheek and poking your tongue in the side. 

He coughed as he instantly sat up quicker. Even under the dim lights of the bar you could still see the blush creeping up from his neck to his ears and the slightest tint on his cheeks. 

“Oh I uh- I never-” he said looking anywhere but your eyes. 

“You don’t kiss them?” you said raising your brows. 

“No! I-i mean yes. I would I think b-but I haven’t had the chance to actually partake in such.. activities,” he finished finally taking a look into your eyes. 

You could tell he was waiting for you to laugh in his face for being so inexperienced but you felt far from it. If anything you wished you could be the one to show him things. 

That sweet boy had you wrapped around his finger and he didn’t even know it. Maybe it was his naivety considering how exceptionally smart he was. Or maybe it was the cute sweater vests he wore and now he nervously tucked his hair behind his ears. All you knew was that you wanted Spencer Reid and tonight was your night to make it happen. 

You hummed taking in the information, “Well that’s not a bad thing Spence. Everything takes time,” you said putting your hand on his arm for comfort and giving him a smile. 

Going to turn back to face the table you almost didn’t hear Spencer go to speak again, “Do you?” 

Got him.

“Why don’t you find out pretty boy,” you said with a wink as you downed the rest of your marg. In the corner of your eye you could see Spencer shifting in his seat, subtly moving his bag to cover the slowly growing tent in his slacks. 

As the night went by you couldn’t help but really give him a show. You had popped open a button or two on the long sleeve you had on, since it was getting stuffy in the booth. Though when you leaned forward and jutted your chest out, the soft inhale of a breath from the man next to you was just serving as motivation to get bolder. 

For the last hour you called it quits on the alcohol and drank a few glasses of water before you drove home. Spencer had been uncharacteristically quiet ever since your little interactions. 

The team had all gotten up to say their goodbyes. Rossi going by and giving everyone a kiss on each cheek. Derek having to quite literally rangle Penelope from talking to passing by groups on their way out. Then there were two. 

You turned to the side where Spencer was nursing on his coke, “Hey pretty boy, it’s late, let me give you a ride home,” you said grabbing your belongings. 

“Y-yeah ok. Thanks Y/n,” he said getting up. You’d noticed how he still had the burnt orange bag over his crotch. He couldn’t still be hard could he? Well you’d love to find out. 

As gentlemanly as he was, Spencer opened the door for you to exit the building first. The whip of fresh night air cooling on your exposed chest and legs under your skirt. 

You unlocked your car and stepped in, Spencer waiting to hear the little beep signaling his side was open. As he sat down you heard him let out a little whimper. Your head shot over to look at him, you could tell from the flush on his cheeks he didn’t mean to let the noise out. 

Holding in your chuckle you started the ignition and pulled out of the lot, “Can I put on some music?” 

“Yeah I don’t mind,” he said looking over at you with his lips in a line. If it was anyone else, they’d probably think he was uncomfortable but you loved his tiny awkward smiles. 

The ride to his apartment was mostly silent besides a rare quip from Spencer about paper work or fact about an older building you had passed by. It fascinated you to no end hearing him talk. Spencer was a hand speaker, meaning he always used his hands waving them around and making gestures. The pale digits had you captivated. Probably a driving hazard but you couldn’t help but let your mind wander. 

You pulled up into one of the visitor spots and put the car in park. You looked over to see Spencer almost contemplating something. You’d seen the look on his face before when he was looking over puzzles. 

“Somethin on your mind Doc?” you said with a small smile. As cute as he looked when he was nervous, you’d never want him to feel uncomfortable around you. 

“Would you-,” he cleared his throat, “Wo- Would you maybe want to c-come inside?” 

“Of course Spence I’d love to,” you finished with a reassuring nod. 

As he led you upstairs you were giddy with anticipation. So what if nothing happened. He was your friend first and you were glad he was letting you into his personal space. Even if you wanted nothing more than to have him writhi-

“Y/n?” 

The door closing snapped you out of your thoughts. You didn’t even realize you were in his living room. The dark green walls and shelves bursting with books put a grin on your face, “Sorry Doc, just caught up in my thoughts. What did you say hun?” 

His brows practically raised to his hairline from hearing the pet name. While he was used to the names coming from Garcia they took a whole different light coming from your lips. 

“I was asking if you wanted water or something,” he said fiddling with the keys in his hands. Eyes darting everywhere but your face so you wouldn’t be able to see the flush rising on his cheeks. 

“No I’m fine thanks for asking though,” you said taking a seat on the worn leather couch. 

You reached for the tv remote making a face at Spencer to ask for permission. He nodded and you settled back turning on an old sitcom that played late at night. 

As the episode ended you both sat in silence. Again you didn’t mind but you could practically hear the cogs moving in Spencer’s brain. 

You were about to speak when he cut you off before you could even get a word out, “What did you mean by ‘why don’t you find out’.”

Gaining confidence you moved closer to where he was on the couch, slow enough for him to stop you in case he wanted to back out. 

“Well you have options pretty boy,” you said moving a leg to straddle him. Your hands instinctively going to his brown locks. You could’ve sworn you heard a little moan leave his chapped lips. Noted. 

“W-what are the options,” lust blown eyes looked up to yours. 

“One, you can put that mouth to good use on me,” you said trailing your finger over his bottom lip, “and let me cum over that pretty face.” 

His eyes shut hearing your words and you weren’t having it, “Nuh uh eyes on me honey,” instantly they were back on yours. 

“Or number two. I can suck you off and let you cum down my throat, but,” you paused making sure to roll your hips on his growing length, “ you have to give me a nice big smooch after.” 

The hands on your hips pulled you closer as he bucked his hips into you as you finished the sentence. It was clear which option was preferred. 

You moved to slide down in between his legs. You let your hands trail down his clothed thighs, causing him to jump. 

“Tsk such a needy boy,” you said mockingly, “Am I not going fast enough baby?”

“Please Y/n,” he all but whimpered. It was like music to your ears. 

Your hands went to his belt, looking up in his eyes for a final sign of permission. Once he nodded you quickly undid it and he lifted his hips to help get his pants down. You palmed him over his boxers, feeling the wet patch where he was already leaking pre cum. 

“Is this all for me Spence? Does the thought of my lips around you make you this hard,” you said taking him out of the striped confines. 

“Oh god please just,” he cut himself off. You could see his hands curling fists besides his legs. 

“Please what baby? I can’t give you anything unless you ask.” Your hands continued their task of leisurely stroking his length. 

“Fuck please put your mouth on me,” he rushed out, hips bucking to prove his point. 

The answer was good enough for you so you wasted no time in leaning forward and taking him in your mouth. Both of you let out content sighs as you tried to take him further. 

You looked up to see him with his head leaned back, eyes scrunched closes in pleasure. 

You pulled off with a pop, letting your hand work him over. “Better keep those pretty eyes on me before I decide you can’t finish.”

He looked down with a flash of worry, that was quickly replaced by a loud moan as you spit down on his cock before taking him in your mouth again. 

For a germaphobe, Spencer loved how nasty it was. He was thanking god or whatever higher being there was for giving him his eidetic memory because the sight below him was something he’d never wanna forget. 

Your eyes were teary and you had spit dribbling down your chin but he wanted nothing more than to give you more than just a kiss after you finished. Or well after he finishes. 

You could tell he was close by the way he was throbbing on your tongue. Again taking him out of your mouth you used both hands to jerk him off. 

“You’re doing such a good job baby. So good for me. You wanna cum in my mouth pretty boy?”

“God Y/n I’m so close please please please,” he whimpered out. 

“Cum for me baby, be my good boy Spence,”  you said before taking him down your throat. He was big, not girthy but long and it was a struggle but you’d be damned if you didn’t try to take him all. 

Hollowing your cheeks you bobbed your head quickly, egging on his release further. His hands finally found a place in the back of your head. Pushing you down further as he came. 

“F-fuck Y/n I’m gonna”

His moans and whines were a symphony of sounds you’d have on repeat in your head forever. 

You swallowed the salty release but before you could even wipe your lips you were being pulled up by Spencer placing his lips on yours. You moaned into the kiss, his hands gripped the sides of your face not wanting to let you go. 

The need for air made you both pull back. You looked at one another, chests heaving and looking like you ran a marathon. 

Then a sad look came across his face. 

“Spencer what’s wrong?” 

“You didn’t get any pleasure,” he said looking like a hurt puppy. Oh your sweet boy. 

“It’s ok baby, I can take care of myself,” you tried to shrug off.

He was quick to push you back on the couch, taking the spot you were previously in. His warm lips trailing down your exposed thighs. 

“I wanna do it, but only if you kiss me after.” 

[quirklessidiot]

title : cigarettes and parfaits [1] pairing : older!nanami kento x younger!reader [13 year age gap, ft toji fushiguro] Genre: romance, fluff, super duper mild angst, slice of life, josei, bad comedy, strangers to lovers au

Summary: you’re pretty sure you’d remember marrying a man 13 years older than you, right?

Warnings: alcohol, smoking, very,very mild smut, y/n making stupid decisions, everyones a human-au so yeh non-canon stuff and everyone’s happy (periODT BECAUSE NANAMI DESERVES HAPPINESS)

Notes: after repeatedly giving you jjk angst, i have been very happy to announce that i am able to write something fluffy now. Yay! (Anyways this is based on the manga sesame salt and pudding, yall better read that. It’s just *chefs kiss*) also this may or may not be written ebcause of the amount of smoll nanami content i’m seeing around this site hmPH 

masterlist  || taglist || [next  ; updates every friday]

The sound of your alarm blared at the crack of dawn, making you immediately jerk up in an unfashionable manner, you shouldn’t drink on Sunday nights. Good lord,  why did you even do that?-

Your thoughts are cut short though when you feel something, better yet, someone, next to you. It’s dark but you could definitely tell that whoever this stranger is, had settled himself quite comfortably by your side. You blink once then twice then slowly reached out to switch your lamp open to get a good look on who was next to you.

Thankfully, you’re still in your clothes from last night.

Also, who the fuck is this?

Your brows are furrowed together as you try to remember who this person was. Blonde hair and jaw so sharp that it could probably cut the vegetables on your kitchen counter, some fine lines littered his face as he wrinkled his forehead in his sleep.

The tie on his neck is loose as you slowly peered to observe him even more and for some odd reason that made your ears turn bright red as you check out his rather lean figure (he wasn’t overly muscular, he was just right)

“Oh shit.” You mumbled, snapping out of your daze, you had to focus! This was a stranger for crying out loud, “Who the-”

Before you could even say anything more, his eyes shot open and you’re greeted by chocolate brown eyes. You try to stutter out a reply, clearly in your frazzled state the only thing you could let out was, “What the fuck?”

“Oh, you’re awake.” his voice was deep and quite raspy, and daresay, it suited his rather sharp appearance.

Was this stranger awake this whole time that you were gawking at him under the dim light? Your ears turn even a brighter shade of pink. Was it just the heater or was this room getting hotter than it should be?

Yet despite your flustered state though, he thankfully remains oblivious, “Are you feeling any better?” he asks.

Despite his bland facial expression, there was a certain warmth in his tone and that made your heart beat quicken. It wasn’t everyday that you’d wake up to find a good looking older gentleman next to you after all, “I’m good…” You shyly replied, the confidence you had moments ago while you were cursing him was gone when you heard his soft tone, “I- sorry but who are you? What happened?”

He stares at you for a moment and purses his lips, “Nanami Kento.” he introduces himself briefly. From the likes of it, he seemed like a professional, “To be honest, I don’t have much recollection from last night due to the alcohol. When I woke up a few moments ago, you wouldn’t let go and I had no choice but to lay there and wait for you to wake up.”

You paled just a bit at his explanation and turned bright red right after, how embarrassing! Not only did you just embarrass yourself in front of this older gentleman awhile ago, you did something so unlike you last night! Thank god this ojisan was a lot more calmer than you. He didn’t even look that perplexed or annoyed by your state at all.

He runs his hands through his soft blonde hair after and lets out a low groan.

“D-Does your head hurt, Nanami-san?”

“Yes.”

“I-would you-” you tried to stammer a few words out yet you're immediately cut off by his phone ringing.

Right, boundaries. You shouldn’t overstep them since you already did so much last night to disturb him despite you two being so out of it. You watch him as he answers his cell phone in a quick and suave manner, all traces of hungover gone, “Nanami speaking.” He greets as soon as he answers the call, “I understand. Please try to help them out and I apologize for the inconvenience.”

He ends the call and stands up, tightening his tie. Despite him spending the night here, he still looked orderly and it’s so unfair because right now, you knew you looked like absolute shit with the alcohol and booze in your system.

“I have to take my leave now. I apologize for intruding.” he bows down formally.

You’re pretty sure you were the one who intruded, his actions makes you immediately stand up despite the throbbing headache which was definitely a wrong move because the moment you did, you felt your legs giving out.

Great.

“I-sorry, I would bow…” You tried to stammer out an apology, ears bright red once again, just how much could you embarrass yourself in front of this gentleman?  “Sorry for the intrusion too Nanami-san.”

He leaves without saying anything much to your relief and as soon as you hear your front door close, you scream right at the pillow.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” You muffled at the pillow.

Thank God you wouldn’t be seeing him ever again!

“L/N-sensei.”

You turn to find Maki and Megumi standing there, they were members of a rather elite family in Tokyo, Most often you avoided bumping shoulders with Megumi’s father since he was, well, quite a tease and although you do admit that Toji Zen’in is a very good-looking and fine man from a very good background, you couldn’t look past the fact that you taught his kids mathematics and there was a good fifteen year age gap between you two, “Hi there.” A warm smile dances on your lips, “Is this about the earlier math problem again?”

The question was directed to Maki, Megumi wasn’t one to ask questions about his lessons since he wasn’t fond of academics.

“Actually, it isn’t. Toji-ojisan says you should come to his birthday.” Maki shrugged, “He says his 40th birthday wouldn’t be complete if you weren’t there.”

Ah, that’s why Megumi didn’t want to go alone. The young boy’s cheeks are painted pink, clearly embarrassed by his father’s antics, “Ah,” You laughed, trying to play it cool. Despite his father’s relentless teasing, he had never made you feel uncomfortable. If he hadn’t been asking you out a few times, you’d consider him a friend, “Your otosan does love to joke around a lot doesn’t he, Megumi-kun?”

“I could deck him for you if you’d like, sensei. I swear that old man needs to realize that you’re way too young and good for him.” He mumbles the last part, clearly annoyed.

“Oh have you gotten married, L/N-sensei?” Maki cuts her younger cousin off suddenly, clearly surprised, “I thought you never had a boyfriend..or girlfriend...or a lover…”

“I- excuse me?” You sweatdrop, “Married, where?”

“Am I mistaken? You have a silver band on your ring finger at your left hand.” Maki points out, “Congrats sensei! It seems like Toji-ojisan won’t be bothering you anymore!”

You were too much in a frazzled state this morning that you hadn’t even noticed the ring band on your finger. You weren’t married, heck, you haven’t dated since college but where in the hell did you get this ring?

“L/N-san?” You’re snapped back to reality by a coworker, “We have two new enrollees, would you mind handling them since they’ll be added to your section?”

“Right,” You smile, “That’s my cue to leave. I’ll get going now. Enjoy your snack time.”

Before Maki could say anything more about the silverband on your ring finger, you scurried away to the faculty room, shaking that weird feeling off since you had to get back to work. 

Job first, ring later.

As you went in, two abnormally bleached pink hair stood out and you could immediately tell that they were going to be the new kids that you’d be teaching. You walk closer, realizing how much they looked alike despite the markings on the other.

“Hi, Good morning.” You greeted kindly, “You must be the new kids.”

“Ah,” the one with tattoo markings on his face gloated, “Aren’t you too bright?”

“Sukuna, shut up.” his twin frowned, “Sorry Sensei, My brother isn’t feeling so well since our ojisan had told us off before going to school.”

It seemed like the other twin would be a handful, nevertheless, you were still going to be his teacher so you let out a small smile, “It’s fine.” You waved off, “We all have bad days, don’t we? I’m L/N-sensei and I’ll be your homeroom and math teacher.”

“Hai.” The one without tattoos replied, enthusiasm leaking on his tone, “Itadori Yuuji and this is Itadori Sukuna, please take care of us.”

You watch Yuuji force his twin to bow down to show a sign of respect. For a high schooler, Sukuna and Yuuji’s parents seemed so lax, bleached hair and tattoos? That was definitely a first one on your list. You take a look at the data they passed and a small frown settles on your lips, it seemed like you had to take back the words you said earlier.

Both their parents had died a few years ago.

You cleared your throat and tried to put on the smile and enthusiasm from earlier, “I’ll be sure to introduce you to the class right after break and since it’s your first day I’ll be lax but please try not to go in late again.”

Yuuji’s grin remains the same as he agrees enthusiastically while Sukuna still looks mildly uninterested, something that you realize oh-so quickly that you’ll have to get used to.

After introducing the twins to the class, you settle on your desk at the faculty and peer at the ring on your finger. The only conclusion you could come up with was that this was from the older gentleman from the night before but why would he even give you a ring?

It didn’t even look cheap and it was surprisingly just your size, meaning it was definitely for you.

You inwardly let out a groan as you placed your hand on top of your eyes. God, you definitely needed to lay off the alcohol next time. You feel the phone in your pocket start to ring, peerlessly glancing at the unknown number. People really need to lay off the scam calls.

“Hello, I’m sorry I’m not-”

“Yo-ho, is this Y/N-chan?” The voice on the other line is so unfamiliar yet familiar at the same time.

“Uh, who is this?”

“Is your husband with you?” the voice sounds so playful and teasing that you almost ignore what he had just said earlier.

“E-Excuse me?” You sputtered out, cheeks turning red, “I don’t have a husband.”

“Huh…” the playful voice switches to disappointment, “Don’t tell me you forgot what happened with us last night, L/N-chan.”

You feel something bubbling on your stomach, oh no, this definitely didn’t sound good!

“I- wait, what? who are you? What do you mean? what happened?” countless of questions started to pile up in your head and out of your mouth, panic immediately engulfing you because for a prank call this guy sounded way too legit, confirming your irresponsibility the night before. 

“Silly Y/N-chan. How could you ever forget me? I’m such an important person! I’m Gojo Satoru, your witness from your wedding!” 

taglist (if crossed out, i cant tag u im so sorry ack ;-;)

 ; @coldbookworm  ; @frankenstein852  ;  @neavil​  ; @shephard17895​   @kristineyoshaii​ ; @airybnb​​

@Kurok1717 ;  @hcn421 ;  @shinhiromi ;  @airybnb ;    ; ​

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warnings: extremely negative feelings towards a sibling, distressing / intrusive thoughts. placed under a break due to the content of the message. remember, I'm not a mental health professional.

updated with additional viewpoints from readers at the bottom!

I'm sorry in advance.

I really hate my older sister. She never respects my boundaries, insults me frequently, and is just annoying and hypocritical in general.

I've always had these issues with her, but she lived at her own apartment away from me and the rest of my family, so I've been able to control my hatred of her. But last year in March she moved back in and sold her apartment. She has no plans of leaving anytime soon, and I can't stand her.

We shared a bedroom for about a year because we were also taking care of my cousin who also moved in with us last year. My cousin has since moved out, but my sister is unfortunately here to stay for a couple of years. But with extra space, I was able to move into the spare bedroom and thought that would be the end of my problems.

It wasn't. In fact, she has become even more unbearable. The hardest part of this relationship is that she has a weird obsession with being with me. I'm not sure if this is because she loves me, or she's just weird. I think she's weird because my parents never act like she does.

Our bedrooms are right next to each other. There's really no reason for her to miss me. But every single fucking minute she's coming into my room to bother me. I would have more empathy for her if she acknowledged my limits, but she doesn't.

She's constantly cuddling me after I've said for MONTHS that I don't enjoy it and it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly belittles me by saying I couldn't live without her, and that I would be a mess if it wasn't for her (mind you, I've lived without her at the house for YEARS and I was perfectly fine). She's constantly in my business, interrogating me about every little thing. She once locked the door and wouldn't let me leave the room without answering her questions for 20 minutes; she asked me about a $30 Amazon order containing manga I ordered with MY OWN MONEY. And I had permission for my parents to order it! It wasn't her business whatsoever.

I've tried to keep her out numerous times; I've gotten in trouble for it. My parents say I'm being mean and that this is her way of loving me. What I feel like they ignore is that I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. Her way of "loving me" HURTS.

I've tried communication. I've had multiple meetings with my family about my boundaries and they say they'll change, but they never do.

Another factor that worsens this is that I have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently being denied therapy or intervention of any kind. I get told my mental illness is a result of me having an attitude and hating my family.

I writing this to you because I've been having very alarming thoughts recently. I'm been somewhat suicidal as long as I can remember, but this is different. I've been having nightmares about killing my family/my family killing me. I don't want to kill my family. As much as they have abused me, I know they truly love me deep down. But when I'm in a mental breakdown, I don't think for the most part. I'm afraid I'm going to do something to hurt them if they continue to push me. I'm too scared to turn myself into the police and I don't want to be taken away from my home. I truly need therapy, but it's expensive and I'm not allowed to get it.

Are there any options left for me? I love my family and I want to get better, but I can't stand them. It'll be a while before I can live on my own, and I don't think I'll make it that long.

I'm so sorry.

I appreciate that you came to me, however, please remember I am not a mental health professional.

I do not have the best relationship with my family. I've come to accept that they just exist and I moved away from them. I keep a strict level of familiarity with them for my own sanity and well-being. There are people in my immediate family I don't talk to anymore or only speak to in certain situations, with other people around to buffer my emotions. No one in my family understands or respects my mental health issues and I have ceased talking about it with them.

I will admit, I had to ask for help. I'm going to share the answer of someone I trust, because they are much more level-headed when it comes to something like this.

Use different words with your sister. Instead of "I'm mad or annoyed", use words that bring out more empathy - "You're making me sad and uncomfortable. You're hurting me." Anger is usually perceived as something within you, something you must control. But sadness is usually not perceived in the same light. People usually see sadness as something that has a cause and perhaps letting her know that she is the cause will have an effect on her. Using different words when speaking to her may slowly change her perspective.

When it comes to your parents, well, parents do not usually understand sibling dynamics. They're fucking useless most of the time when it comes to problems specifically between siblings. It might be better if you say something like, "Her constant intrusions are affecting my school work. My grades are going to drop." Usually, parents respond more urgently if you say you education is affected - and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, we're just trying to get them to help in some way.

I had to remind them it's summertime lol

Oh shit, you're right. Er. Well, In any case, it seems you've tried having reasonable discussions with your parents and it doesn't seem helpful to continue discussing this particular topic with them. Maybe get into fitness since it's summertime. Go outside, do something active. She can't cuddle you if you're running, right? Then you can also be stronger and feeling better physically improves mental health. Put some music on, go hiking or running, take yourself out of the situation.

I don't know if this is possible, but perhaps if you're experiencing a mental breakdown and you're afraid of hurting your family, run out of the house? It might be better to be physically away from them at that time to avoid saying or doing anything you regret. It may help clear your head and help your family realize that this is something that is truly debilitating to you.

I don't know your age, so I don't know if the school thing is relevant. It's only a suggestion.

You said it will be a while before you can live on your own. When I knew the cons of living with my family outweighed the pros, I did everything in my power to prepare myself for leaving because I needed a goal in order to survive. I needed distractions, reading, writing, gaming, music, anything else to occupy my mind and help control my thoughts. There was a time when I needed music to fall asleep (headphones in on low volume).

Also... uh.

I'm not saying you should do this. I'm only saying I did.

My siblings and I have physically fought before. One has scars from fighting me. The scarred one is the one closest to me currently.

Not saying you should do it.

But I did.

If anyone feels comfortable enough to share how they dealt with it in their own situation, please do. Maybe more perspectives can help this person.

--

some other experiences sent to me:

anon #1

I don't think I had a situation that extreme but my brother was a little like that. I honestly had to become kinda rude and indifferent. Like he'd always use my laptop and stuff and I put passwords on everything and just don't tell him. And then when he tried to hug or cuddle id say I don't liek it and just push him away physically now this soudns fucking obvious when I say it this way but like I don't think I read that u tried it ? Idk I discovered I have a loud annoying scream that neighbours will hear, and fucking strokg legs I used to kick him away but like I was tiny so I don't really endorse violence but I didnt like being close to a 'boy' essentially at taht age so yea... Idk man siblings are weird and I have had intrusive thoughts so I think I didn't handle it well but for a few years I became an asshole to him and then now I'm good with talking sometimes and I keep it short and sweet and I've mentioned that I'm sorry for being mean in the past bcuz like I am ? Bcuz I'm not an asshole ? ( But like I did what I had to do ) I hope u get the help and support u need

anon #2

I read the message from the previous anon and I have to say I relate to what they say. I wouldn’t say i’ve completely dealt with the situation when it comes to my parents.

I have 4 siblings and i’m the oldest, my sister that’s 2 years younger than me always gets in my way and is a tyrant. Because she’s much taller than me she overpowers me and i also have scars from when we’ve fought. My parents don’t intervene because they say we’ll make up soon and I honestly can’t stay mad at people for long. I also live with my parents and am not able to move out anytime soon until I get my degree.

A few weeks ago my mother was complaining to my father that I don’t help around the house and all that bullshit but it’s obviously not true. Anyway. My father came into my room and threw all my clothes from my cupboards on the floor and said my sister and I must get out of his house. He was literally pulling us and we were crying because where the hell would we go. My smaller siblings were begging for him not to chase us out of the house but he was ballistic. He was constantly throwing insults at me, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I was having a mental breakdown and I said i hope that God takes my life away because i’m too weak to do it myself. I kept saying that and when my parents heard me. They called me crazy and were laughing at me and said i should take it back because instead of me another one of my family members would go.

My parents don’t care about mental health and therapy. It’s all unnecessary to them. But after that night I tried to find my own way of getting rid of the negative thoughts, I choose to ignore what everyone tells me. I agree with everything that you said about trying to get away from their family when they have those thoughts. I try meditation and praying. I’m not sure if that person follows any religion but that’s what helped me. And writing can be cathartic. Also remember that you’re not alone, there are so many people out there who share your sorrows and can relate to your situation. I think about my little siblings who i’m close to and what it would be like if i wasn’t there.

Maybe if they could get a pet? I know having a pet can make you feel less alone and you feel a sense of responsibility towards them. As for their sister, she needs to see their point of view and tell her that she makes her feel overwhelmed with the things she does. She can spend time with her and try to make her understand that they need their space too.

anon #3

I also have sum advice 4 the sibling anon frm a fellow bpd buddy:

Does ur view of ur sister change from "i hate her" to "she's alright" sometimes? Viewing sum1 as all bad or all good is common in bpd ppl and usually changes alot. I rec writing down the moments where she shows she loves u. This could be thru buying smth for u or doing smth 4 u. I had a similar relationship w a friend and this exercise helped me remember that she might not have intentions to hurt me and might b trying 2 bond. Repairing the relationship might take a while. Talk alot if u can, it seems like ur family is at least willing to hear u out, even if there behavior doesn't change much. Keep sum distance if needed. Working out and finding fun hobbies is good.

If u feel like ur breaking down, try breathing exercises n identify 5 things u notice thru ur senses. What do u feel? What do u smell? What do u taste? What do u see? What do u hear? I personally like taking myself down rabbit holes. For example: I see a yellow jacket > this shade of yellow is a cool tone > what makes a color "cool" or "warm" > why do we associate red with warmth > what if the sun was blue > what if ocean water looked orange > is water wet

I usually end up forgetting what was making me upset. If it was a big deal I would still remember, but at least I would b less emotional and a bit more rational.

Search up cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy and try 2 practice sumthing similar 2 exercises u would perform w a therapist. Squeeze stress balls. Masturbate (this blog is perfect 4 that lol). Maybe watch some videos done by therapists on youtube. I watched a couple of videos abt therapists reacting 2 fighting in movies and I learned alot (this video was very fun to watch)!

Anyway that's what helps me! Good luck 2 u!!!

[volleychumps]

To Choose (Yamaguchi x Reader x Tsukishima)

“I’m sorry. I don’t really have time for things like that...” 

The confident feeling in your chest seemed to be naturally deflate, a feeling as if someone had laid a heavy object on your chest taking its’ place. 

“Ah. Sorry to inconvenience you with my feelings, Tsukishima-kun...” You force the edges of your mouth to lift, hoping he couldn’t see past that facade with his analytical eyes. Knowing he probably did, you spin on your heel rather hurriedly, waving at him backwards. “Thank you for giving me the time! I’ll see you in class!” 

You prayed he couldn’t see the slight quiver to your shoulders as you tried to force a bounce in your step, cursing slightly when the tears slip out and the sobs build up in your throat. 

“(Y/N)?” Your vision allows for a blurred Yamaguchi to come into view through the moisture in your eyes, looking worriedly down at you. “Are you...okay?” 

“Huh?” You smile as if you don’t know what he’s talking about, but the redness in your eyes is a dead giveaway. Still, he doesn’t push it. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

The freckled boy casts you a second worried glance as you seem to pick up pace to walk past him, fists clenching when he sees who’s standing in the direction from which you came, scrolling through his playlist as if nothing had just happened. 

Yamaguchi walks up to his childhood friend, and the latter glances down at him before sighing. 

“So you saw, huh?” 

“D-did she...?”

“Yep.”

“And you said no?” Yamaguchi pries a little further as Tsukishima’s face betrays no emotion, simply nodding slightly. Almost as if he had just swatted away an insect.

“Tsukki...you like her.” 

The blonde boy says nothing in response, putting his headphones over his head. 

“Don’t you?”

“I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t have the time.” With that, Tsukishima turns to walk away from his unusually pushy friend until Yamaguchi finds the courage to say one more thing. 

“Then you don’t care if she was with another guy, right?” 

The taller boy stops dead in his tracks, not looking back before allowing one of his hands to make a motion as if he didn’t care, falling slack. Yamaguchi grits his teeth at the motion, and Tsukishima continues to walk away. 

In doing so, he says one more thing. 

“What she does isn’t any of my concern.”

-- You avoided Tsukishima after that, the embarrassment still built up in your system at the blatant rejection. Luckily, you had a seat towards the front of the class, and didn’t have any need to turn around to his seat in the back. 

You had been so close to him and Yamaguchi, you were mad at yourself for letting your feelings ruin any chance of friendship without it feeling awkward. Thankfully, Yamaguchi never pressed you about it, still inviting you to come eat lunch with them. 

“I think I’m actually gonna work on some homework during the lunch period...” You trail off, biting your lip as you avoid Yamaguchi’s concerned stare. He shuffles in his bag for a minute before emerging with a packed bento. You stare at it questioningly as the shy boy turns beet red. 

“U-Um! I made some extra last night, so I was p-planning on giving this to you...” 

You can’t help the small smile that sets on your lips at the kind gesture, knowing Yamaguchi probably did it to make you feel better. 

“Thank you, Yamaguchi-kun.” You smile brightly up at him as he squeaks out a rushed you’re welcome, darting back out the door to find his childhood friend. You open the bento to be met with the words you’ve got this!! spelled out with nori on the rice, and the giggle bubbles up from your throat before you realize it. 

“Made extra, huh?” 

--

There was a weird tension between Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, and the whole team could feel it. 

“What do you think happened? Yamaguchi would always look up to Tsukishima, brag about him even.” Daichi mumbles to a concerned-looking Asahi. 

“Hai Hai, let’s let them figure out their own problems,” Sugawara arbitrates, swinging both arms over his friends before motioning for Kageyama and Hinata to come over. 

“Hey, do you know what happened with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima?”

Daichi sweatdrops and Asahi releases a sigh. “What happened to letting them figure it out?” 

“Not helping them figure it out and knowing what the tea is are two separate things, Daichi.” Sugawara responds sassily before turning to the two kouhais. 

“Beats me.” Kageyama shrugs.

“They were fine today...I think I saw them eating lunch together earlier.” Hinata responds thoughtfully. 

The team all exchange looks with one another before their captain sighs, clapping his hands together once.

“Yosh. Let’s start practice.” 

Before any other movement can be made, the entrance to the gym suddenly slides open. The whole team seems to gape at you when you step through, apologizing for the intrusion, and Tanaka and Nishinoya have a headstart when you enter. 

“Can we help you with anything?!” 

You blink at the two, sweatdropping as you wave to a face palming Yachi. 

“U-um...”

“Following me to my practices, are you?”  Your hands tighten at the sound of Tsukishima’s teasing tone, snipping back. “I’m actually not here for you.” 

With that, you brush past him to a surprised Yamaguchi, shuffling around in your bag for the empty bento before handing it to him with a beam. “Here. It was delicious, thank you for making it.” 

“My pleasure!” Yamaguchi says a little to hurriedly with reddened cheeks. His cheeks seem to flush even more when his mouth opens next, words tumbling over each other. “A-are you free this weekend?” 

The whole team gapes. Tsukishima’s face suddenly becomes void of emotion. 

“I am.” You reply gently, not wanting to work the poor boy’s emotions up more than you already had. 

“Then...let’s go get some food...or something?”

You blink once, realization settling in. 

Yamaguchi had feelings for you.

How were you never able to see it?

“Pathetic.” Tsukishima’s voice is quieted, but just barely audible for your ears to hear before you suddenly nod, the whole team hanging onto the scene in front of them as if they were witnessing a soap opera. 

“Saturday, then?” You perk up immediately as Yamaguchi gapes at you slightly before nodding vigorously. You flush, bowing to the staring team before apologizing once more and taking your leave, not meeting the stare of the tallest member of the team. 

The silence settles around the gym heavily, Suga fanning himself a little dramatically. “So that’s the tea...”

--

You sigh, gazing at your reflection in the mirror the day of the hangout with Yamaguchi. 

Were you leading him on? You weren’t doing this out of petty spite, were you?

Could you actually have feelings for...Yamaguchi? Have you even considered it? 

You think back, and surely enough, Yamaguchi was always there, looking at you while you were looking at Tsukishima. 

God, this was complicated.

Your thoughts were interrupted when a text buzzes on your phone from Yamaguchi, texting you the meet-up destination before you take a deep breath. You should just enjoy today, and figure complex stuff out later. 

Pushing the conflicting thoughts to the back of your mind, you grab your bag before calling out a quick goodbye to your parents. 

What you didn’t expect, however, was for Kei Tsukishima to be leaning against the outside of your house upon your exit, hands shoved in his pockets in all his sarcastic glory. 

You can’t seem to fumble for the right words when he sees you, walking up to you in three long strides.

“You look cute. That excited for Yamaguchi’s date today?” 

Why did he sound so...bitter?

You look away from his eyes, not being able to read them. “It’s not a date, and even if it was, that isn’t any of your business.” 

“Hm. Well, if it isn’t a date, then ditch him.” 

What?

“Come somewhere with me...I want to talk to you.” 

“Yamaguchi’s my-our friend! Why would I-!” 

“Because I don’t want you going to him.” He takes another step towards you, and you subconciously take a step back. 

“What does that even-?” You run out of steps to take back, your back pressing against your door as he places a hand next to your head, looking down at you. 

“What do you think it means?” His voice is quieter now, his voice more serious than ever. You squint your eyes shut when he nears even closer, his breath fanning your face. 

“I said I didn’t have the time for you. Not that I didn’t feel the same.” 

You bite your lip, eyes opening slowly as you stare into his gold eyes before pushing him back lightly, stepping around him and walking forward.

“Goodbye, Tsukishima-kun.” 

“I don’t care if I’m the bad guy, you know?” He blurts out, making your legs stall to listen. “Because the nice guy never wins.” 

You continue to walk ahead, Tsukishima’s manipulating words crowding your thoughts.

-- 

“(Y/N)! I was afraid you got lost!” Yamaguchi waves you over, and you smile. The confusion you felt was suddenly gone in an instant as soon as he stood in front of you. You knew for a fact that you immediately relaxed when in Yamaguchi’s presence. 

“I had a little...obstacle on my way here.” You grin sheepishly as you notice that Yamaguchi was dressed really nice, not over-the-top nice, but it was a much better mix up from his school uniform. 

He flushes under your stare, and you blink, feeling embarrassed. “A-Ah, you just look really nice, Yamaguchi-kun.” 

“(Y-Y/N)?”

You tilt your head.

“You look really cute today too.” 

And so you both just stood there with heat on your cheeks, a silence filling the air before you break it, tugging on his sleeve with a smile. 

“Let’s just go eat, okay?” 

Your heart seemed to pick up pace when he slips your grip from his sleeve into his hand.

“R-right.” 

--

“That was so good! You didn’t have to pay though...”You beam, trailing after Yamaguchi out of the restaurant. He had fumbled the conversation a little bit, but you still thought it was cute. 

Cute?

The protruding thoughts fill your head again when Yamaguchi suddenly turns to you, making your breath hitch. 

“(Y/N).” 

“Y-yes?” It was your turn to stutter, suddenly finding interest in your shoes.

“Am I helping you...get over Tsukki?” 

You lift your eyes to see him with a hand on the back of his neck, his cheeks reddened. 

“Truth be told, I don’t know if I am.” You say finally, hearing Yamaguchi audibly gulp. “But you know what I can say?” You grab his hand, startling him.

“I can say that you don’t need to make me get over him. Don’t make him the center of us. I’ll figure things out for myself...but for now, I just need you to be you. Okay?” You rest your head on his erratically beating chest, feeling him take deeper breaths. 

“I like you, (Y/N),” 

You bite your lip, pulling back slightly. “Let’s take things slow for now. You and Tsukishima are best friends. I don’t want to be the cause of that rift...I want a little bit of normalcy back before I can fully commit...” 

Your words are rushed, but Yamaguchi listens patiently.

Yamaguchi smiles slightly when you’re done blabbering, nodding once. “Okay.”

“Just...do what you need to do to turn my heart towards you completely. I’m sorry, this is happening so quick and I.. Give me time, I know I’m asking for a lot, but-”

“(Y/N).” Yamaguchi catches your hand, giving you a wide grin. “I’m happy you’re even considering me. Come on, I’ll buy you dessert.” 

You watch your hands intertwined as you follow the sweet boy down the pavement, feeling a bubbly feeling in your chest along with a sense of guilt. 

Witholding a groan, you allow Yamaguchi to open the door to the bakery.

How could you possibly choose?

--

Part Two if wanted! 

[mimssides]

07734: Chapter 5

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___

“Oh hun... What’s your function?”

POV Patton

I had caught him off-guard. With my steady tone, my unwavering look and the certainty in my steps towards him.

Consus was smiling at me and let his hand drop from beyond Logan’s chin. I was not certain if I could get Logan out of Consus’s influence or Janus or Virgil for that matter, as it was now. I didn’t even see his powers in this very moment, which was concerning enough and probably the reason why we all had missed him growing “stronger” as he put it.

Softly I stopped in front of him, making sure to have all of the others in my field of vision as well but concentrated on the so mockingly aloof looking side in front of me. But my words had poked a tiny whole in his defence. His smile didn’t reach up as high as it had before, there was something like void glimmering in his eyes and I remembered all the times he stood with me in the kitchen and listen to me talk about anything and everything.

He had always loved to listen. Loved to just be there with us and exist. Due to his silence, it had been so easy to forget him. To overlook the fact that he was the one responsible for our bond to be as strong as it was. As it used to be, if I was honest and I really tried to be honest.

“What do you mean, dearest Patton? What am I doing?” Consus said and I smiled sadly.

He had listened to me and said he was happy to so but I watched his hands tremble to hold a knife as if it was too heavy and drop a potato more than once just because he lacked the focus to keep holding it any longer. And yesterday night it had been too much. He had not even been able to feint any energy anymore. He wanted to be taken care of but refused to let it happen.

I thought about putting my hands on his shoulders but dropped the idea in favour of a soft look and said to him: “You are influencing them, Consus. I don’t see your colour on them but you’re making them lethargic and hopeless. And I think you want to do that with me too but that won’t be possible, I believe.”

“Oh, is it not?” Consus said and came a little closer to me and lifted his hand, reaching towards my shoulder.

I didn’t budge and let him touch me. I breathed in and felt it for a second as I see orange dripping out of Consus, nebulous bonds between him and the others. It was dripping out of Janus’s ears, running out of Virgil’s mouth and bleeding through Logan’s shirt where his heart would be.

I focused again on Consus and his eyes were hard and the smile was gone.

“I said it wouldn’t work,” I repeat bitterly and put my hand on his on my shoulder. “I felt like you do now. I know what’s happening, Consus; You’ve changed too. We didn’t watch you like you watched us and missed it, but you changed and you’re no longer Tactfulness anymore, are you?”

He gaped. It had to be worse than I initially thought, as I saw the orange suddenly crowed around Consus and came off the others. Logan was the first to regain his senses fully and I watched him come towards us from the corner of my eye, but stopped him with a hand wave. He was wrong. We were not in danger. It was Consus who was a danger to himself.

“You mediated between us,” I said to Consus as he still was not talking and took his hand from my shoulder to hold it fondly. “You made sure all of us were cared for when we were kids. You always said that just being there for us was all you needed and I think that was the truth but – We left you with no one to care for, didn’t we? Logan, Roman and I left and Virgil left too. Janus and Remus didn’t let you do your job anymore and we were working ourselves to the ground. I feel the weird void that’s enveloping us. I feel the sadness and apathy too. And sometimes I don’t know how to deal with them, so I go to Roman, who tells me a story, or go to Logan, who will recount the last documentary he watched. And sometimes I go to Virgil and we sit on the bed and -”

I stopped as tears rolled over his cheeks. I lifted my left to his face to push away the tears. I didn’t tell him to stop though. He obviously needed this. No, he needed far more.

“Oh hun... What’s your function? Can you tell me?”

He opened his mouth as the tears stopped. I didn’t move my hands from his cheek or from his hand. I squeezed his hand and bowed my head a little in effort to make him understand that I meant no harm.

“Depression... I’ve become Depression.”

Janus and Logan inhaled sharply and I wished I would have been as surprised as they were. But I was not. I had felt parts of it. Nowhere nearly as extreme as Consus must have but I did and those snippets alone were overwhelming in their own right.

I nodded to myself and then told him: “It was very brave of you to tell us that. I am sure it must have been very scary and I am very proud of you that you did.”

His eyes didn’t meet mine and he looked to the floor. I let him pull away from me and folded my hands in front of my stomach as I watched Consus slowly making peace with what he had just told us. I didn’t want to overwhelm him all at once, not since I still needed to figure out what had happened to the twins, which certainly was his doing as well.

Yet before I could think any further something crashed into the living room through the door from the hallway. A flash of green shot past me towards Consus and at once hell had broken loose.

___

POV Janus

Remus. Remus was here.

Dressed in a neon green shirt and boxershorts with an alien pattern on it he had stormed inside and was now holding Consus by the neck and pressing him up against a wall. He looked agitated, veins sticking out on his forehead as clammy sweat shone on his skin and his breath raced as if he had trouble to keep himself up right.

I was so surprised by the sudden appearance; I first didn’t even register that Consus was merely fighting back until Remus screamed: “WhAt HaVe YoU dOnE tO mY bRoThEr AnD wHeRe Is He?!”

Consus gasped for air and finally I got moving. Quick I walked up Remus and shook him by the shoulder so he would finally let go of Consus. Sadly, brute force was not one of my strengths and I didn’t manage to do much.

“REmus!” I cried out and tried to pull harder on his shoulder. “Let him go! He can’t answer you, if you’re suffocating him!”

And then suddenly another side was pressed against me, pulled at Remus’s shoulder as well and in a flash, Remus got yanked back. Remus growled lowly, as Consus dropped coughing on the floor. Fledging his teeth Remus turned to the side next to me and got a hiss in return. Ignoring my will to live I stepped in between them and held my gloved hands in front of their faces.

“We are absolutely in shape to have you two fight as it is now! So, be my guest to rip each other apart,” I told them tensely and watched Virgil back down as Remus fledged his teeth once more.

Rashly, Remus stepped towards me, I sensed his intention to harm me, as he suddenly stumbled and I managed to catch him just in time before he dropped to the floor.

“What the heck?” Virgil asked while Logan stepped to my side and helped me hold Remus upright.

“He fucked me up with his powers!” Remus slurred and pointed towards Consus.

I looked to him kneeling on the floor, Patton was sitting beside him and stroking his back as he looked up to me as if he expected me to know what to do now. Because he thought that I always had an answer ready. But I didn’t. Not right away at least.

I focused back again on Remus and tried to catch his look, which I managed after he realized that Consus wasn’t going to defend himself. Now seeing him properly, Remus looked like terrible. He was paler than ever, his eyes bloodshot and dried drool was sticking on the edges of his mouth. He also blinked far more frequently than he should have and I motioned Logan to help me straighten him up a bit more.

“Were you- Has he put you to sleep?” I asked confused.

Remus huffed and I saw him trying to focus more on what he wanted to tell me. But something didn’t seem to work out and he only muttered viciously: “I’ve tried to come down. I’ve tried to kill him! He fucked with Roman and I’ll kill him!”

“I offered him rest when he was exhausted. He jumped at the opportunity,” Consus suddenly said with raspy voice and weakly looked up to the creative side.

Remus didn’t take that well. He began to screech and fight against Logan and Janus, so that Virgil had to come to their side to help them restrain him.

“Did he know what you were doing to him?! Did he know what you meant with rest?!” Remus spat angrily towards Consus and I thought about simply letting him go and have his fun with Consus.

“Oh, I’m afraid he did not care at that point, Remus.”

“YOU ARE LYING!”

“I wish I was bu-”

“You took advantage of his feeble state! You gave him what he wanted despite knowing what he needed! You used him to get some petty revenge against Janus and Virgil and re-establish your stupid role in Thomas’s life! You are no better than them! You manipulated him no matter how much he agreed to this! He wanted to stop suffering and you gave him a non-committal version of suicide and he AGREED! That doesn’t mean you helped him getting better but helped him feeling dead instead! Do you get that? Do you get what...”

Remus drifted off. Consus was shaking and running his cramped fingers through his hair. I lifted an eyebrow and watched Remus frown before he tilted his head and tapped against his own temple. He opened his mouth and I waited curiously for him to speak, as suddenly whimpering caught my attention.

Consus was now crumpled over himself, hands pulling at his hair and a green sheen was laying over his head.

“Remus please refrain from giving Consus intrusive thoughts. Like this we cannot solve this conflict,” Logan told Remus obviously having noticed the green sheen as well.

Yet as I looked to Remus, his face was blank, which was highly unusual. Virgil caught on as well and quickly walked towards Consus and crouched down observing him closely. And suddenly Virgil completely stilled. The room turned colder and I watched as Virgil reached for Consus face and gently lifted it. He run his thumb over his wet cheek and-

And a dark purple bruise came to light.

Pale concealer was sticking to Virgil’s fingers and we all looked up to Remus who was simply shaking his head with a blank look in his eyes before he began to giggle. Maniacally giggle.

We watched him in concern and Consus’s whimpering got louder. I felt Virgil’s panic slowly tugging on my thoughts and my mind was racing, searching for something to pull ourselves out of this mess, when Remus’s voice boomed through the room and made my stomach drop.

“He took on my intrusive thoughts and Roman’s bruised ego so we kept sleeping but still had our effects on Thomas! This self-deprecating idiot!”

___

@varthandi

@sammy-is-obsessed / @exhaustedfander

@alexisrealgay

@softie-sushi

@wolfs-feder

@just-a-neoclassical-painting

@winter-jay-official

@a-ghostlight-for-roman

@mychemically-imbalanced-romance

@whattheremus

@sarenicide  

[givemestories-givemelife]

Blueberries, Lavender & Hot Matcha Tea 

A SasuHina Oneshot.

Part 1 / Part 2

AN: Why? Because someone @muzikaldove  asked and I obliged . It came to me relatively easy in all it’s tropey goodness. I think you can tell how much ao3 I’ve been reading lately from this. My apologies over the fact I have no idea how to properly use a comma.

Summary: Sasuke has a run in with a certain blue haired girl and he’s confused.

                                       ------------------------

Blueberries

Sasuke glares at a punnet of blueberries, a memory of wide lavender eyes flashing in his mind. He pinches the bridge of his nose and grits his teeth. Fuck. Things like this weren’t suppose to happen to him. He forces himself to take in a slow calming breath and attempts to sigh out all his current frustrations.

He hasn’t been able to stop thinking about that damn blue haired girl and her stupid embarrassed blush and the way she just couldn’t make direct eye contact with him, and how for some fucking reason that made his heart twist in some weird foreign way.

Because he wanted her to look at him.

He really wanted her to look at him.

Sasuke wasn’t used to the desire of wanting attention from women.

In fact Sasuke was used to women throwing themselves at him since that appeared to be the only way to receive any sort of regard from the aloof Uchiha. Sasuke didn’t have time to engage in such frivolous affairs and was mildly thankful he didn’t have to put in much effort.

But there he was for the first time ever, looking at a woman and instead of thinking the word ‘annoying’ he thought of the word ‘cute’ and that in it’s self should’ve been an indication of hell freezing over because Sasuke is Sasuke and he definitely doesn’t fucking think about anything as cute. Especially not short blue haired women with shy dispositions who spill burning hot tea all over him and his expensive new suit when he’s already late for an important business meeting.

But that’s exactly what happened.

He was uncharacteristically running ten minutes behind schedule when he noticed his favourite coffee shop was obnoxiously overrun because of course it’s a goddamned Wednesday and they have that dumb promotion for half priced iced latte's. So he scoffed at the betrayal and hoped to find a less busy cafe on the way.

And once he crossed the threshold of some hole in the wall bistro he’d never before noticed called ‘Heaven’s little corner’ he looked up at the bell that rang when the glass door hit it and smacked into something oddly soft then suddenly felt pain-

Searing pain, wet and hot, burning his chest and trickling down his legs. Sasuke clenched his eyes shut cringing violently and hissed at the sensation, “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

“O-oh my god,” a sweet little voice squeaked and Sasuke snapped his eyes open to glare at the retreating form of blue hair, “no no no no no no no.” The quiet offender muttered to herself grabbing all the napkins she could muster from their dispenser and turning back to look at the soaked fabric covering his chest like a devastating problem she needed to solve and quick. Rushing towards him she started wiping at the creamy green liquid that smelled like matcha with quivering fingers. “I am s-so sorry so so so so s-sorry.” She said with reverence. “A-are you okay?”

Sasuke froze watching dainty hands meticulously rub huge bunches of paper napkins against him, slowly starting to feel his ire ebb when he took in the strange girls appearance. She had long soft looking blue hair, a milky ivory complexion, an increasing redness to her cheeks and pink chapped lips pulled in a gentle pout... And that damned troublesome word popped into his mind before he could stop it.

Cute.

Sasuke’s eyebrows shot up at the intrusive thought and snapped, “stop,”  grabbing her wrists and something twisted in his gut seeing her wince at his grip so he lessened the pressure of his grasp into something resembling gentleness and pushed her hands back as if returning them. “Before you embarrass yourself even more.”

Eloquent eyes pinched with mortification shooting to the ground, he realised that she actually looked like she was about to cry.

Which really should have pissed him off.

But for some reason he couldn’t fathom, it didn’t.

He let go of her wrists like he’d been burned a second time, raising his hands in  surrender, “ it’s fine, I’m fine,” and scoffed. “Are you... okay?” He scowled at the stupid question, she’s the one clearly in the wrong but for some reason he couldn’t ignore her current distress.

She buried her face into her hands. “Y-yes. I mean, of course I am.” She said throwing the napkins in the trash.  “Sorry. I-I have to go.” And she booked it out the door not even sparing him glance.

Sasuke had to resist the urge to run after her and demand she tell him her name which was a rather concerning sentiment.

And it dawned on him that she never once looked him in the eyes throughout their entire interaction.

Sasuke changes his mind.

She is definitely annoying.

Annoyingly cute.

Fuck.

This isn’t good.

And it doesn’t make any sense! The exchange lasted less than two minutes and there was literally nothing special about this girl but for some reason he couldn’t get her out of his mind and It’s starting to be a fucking problem.

“Why is Sasuke looking at the blueberries like they’ve personally offended him.” Shikamaru drawls, hands stuffed deep in the pockets of his ripped denim jeans reminding Sasuke that he is in fact not alone on this grocery run.

It’s 7 pm on a Friday night and he and Naruto always have people over at their flat for drinks to blow off steam and bitch about the work week. Usually Sasuke would get snacks on his own but Shikamaru showed up early and Naruto asked if he wanted to go on an adventure like it was the most exciting thing and now here they are in the organic fruit section of their local super market.

“Oh, Sasuke’s pining.” Naruto says casually and Sasuke wants to punch him in the throat. Sasuke doesn’t pine, he only casually mentioned the interaction with the weird girl in passing this morning and Naruto hadn’t stopped teasing him since.

“Explain.” Shikamaru inquires with a lazy smirk.

“Sasuke’s pining,” he repeats, picking up a fat orange, throwing it up in the air and catching it, “I know he is because he mentioned some girl who spilled tea on him and he has never brought up an interaction he’s had with a girl with me. Like. Ever.” Well... Hn, Sasuke hadn’t thought about it like that.

“No way.”

“Which obviously means he’s found the one.”

“What else he say about her?”

“Not much, but he’s been doin’ a lot of glaring at a whole lot of nothing. I’m starting to think he’s actually daydreaming.”

“Would you two shut up.” Sasuke grits indignantly, prompting Shikamaru to slap an antagonising hand on his shoulder.

“So what’s it going to be Sasuke; blueberries or no blueberries?”

Naruto slaps a hand on his other shoulder. “That seems to be the question.”

Sasuke frowns and grabs the damn blueberries, throws them in the basket swivelling out of their grip towards the checkout line, attempting to remain indifferent towards the fuckers. He grabs a few bags of chips on the way.

“Did I mention that said mystery girl has blue hair.” Naruto stage whispers and Sasuke scowls when he hears Shikamaru snicker.

~ ~

Twenty minutes later they’re making the short walk back to their apartment after picking up booze, “so do we know who’s coming tonight?” Sasuke asks.

“The usual; Kiba, Choji... Uh... Ino and Sakura.” Naruto kicks a stray rock on the pavement as they pass a streetlight. “Oh yeah! Sakura said she asked some girl from her photography class if she wanted to come, what was her name?”  

“Hinata, I think.” Shikamaru adds.

“So that should be cool, we never have new people over.”

“Hn.”

“I just hope she’s cute.”

Sasuke hoped she wasn’t.

                                      ------------------------------------

AN2: DUN DUN DUNNNNNN Is that a cliffhanger there? Well huh. I guess that means there’s gonna be more? Really I promise you I wanted to write the whole thing and post it as a longer-shot (Is that a term?) But I also just wanna start writing things and getting it out there so it doesn’t get trapped in my drafts. And It kinda works as a one shot... So hey... Maybe bug me for more? CHAPTER 2 is up.

[turtle-to-eternity]

Emotion? Energy? I'm Just Breathing, Dude

I haven't been expressive in a long time.

It might have been a Christian Youth trip, when I went to Six Flags.

I don't remember the circumstances, only that there were people everywhere and I felt as alone as ever. I must have been 13, give or take a year. Certainly one of the youngest people there, anyway.

We went down the log flume. You know, where you all pile into a log-shaped boat thing and swoosh down a steep waterslide? I was terrified. I had never gone on that kind of ride before. In fact, I don't remember going on any thrill rides before.

My heart was pounding in my throat as we went up the 'hill' that led to the famous drop. Some of the other kids were cheering, some were shouting their last-minute reservations as if they could still leave. Me? I just silently white-knuckled the safety bar, feeling my blood pulse almost painfully through my fingers. Even as we started to drop I only grunted slightly, thinking about the weird sensation I felt. Like butterflies in my stomach, except it was every organ in my body.

There's an automatic camera that captures the reactions of the riders of each log as they fly down the big drop. You can see and purchase the photos it takes at a booth on the way out. Lots of hilarious images of people screaming at the top of their lungs, clutching onto the safety bars as they plummet towards the end of the ride. Our picture came up as soon as our group had reached the booth.

My face was as neutral as if it was stone. A slight frown, flat eyebrows, not so much as a wrinkle in my expression. All that fear, tension, excitement, and I looked like a fucking Easter Island head.

Everyone else was mid-scream, either in excitement, fear, or something between. The others in my group poked fun at their friends and lovers, cracked jokes about the looks on each other's faces, raved about how fun it all was. Nobody commented on my expression in the picture, which was doubtless identical to the one I had while I looked at it.

I felt sick.

I hated it.

I knew then that I was hopeless. If I was too boring to express myself as I flew down a log flume, nobody would ever like me. Being boring is the most intolerable sin of human relationships, even back then I knew that. I was always going to be alone. Ignored. Nobody was going to be buds with the blank-faced robot. Forget love, sex, and relationships. No making out with a crush under a starry night. No raucous joking around a campfire. No sharing stories between friends as we drove down to a movie theater. Not even a night lying in bed, on the phone with a friend from school.

And I wasn't wrong.

Things haven't changed much since then. I constantly notice how everyone else can laugh as they want to, inflect their voice as they want to, steer the conversation as they want to. They hold people's interest, make them feel welcome, signal good moods and positive emotions.

I have to consciously look for ways to attempt these things. Though I have no problem understanding them from others, I can read tones and expressions like anyone else, it takes incredible effort to make use of them.

It's a deeply rooted subconscious fear, I think. Of looking strange, stupid, or giving the wrong signals. A fear that, despite my best efforts, I'll be seen as inadequate. Lesser.

I know that any kind of emotional expression I manage is better than none in the great majority of cases. The few times people voluntarily talk to me after I've talked to them first, it was usually after I had put in that kind of effort. They appreciate it from me as much as from anyone else, clearly.

But it still feels so draining, so wrong, that I can't keep it going. I try to smile and move my hands around as I tell a story, and feel like a kid at a talent show getting hard stares from the audience. I'm sure the people I talk to while I do this aren't thinking about how strange I am. I'm sure that all my intrusive thoughts about them secretly resenting my presence are self-defeating nonsense.

But after an entire childhood of being ignored and avoided by almost every other kid, my fear of rejection is too strong to dive into acting normal on my own. Untreated ADHD often leads to social isolation and, more directly, an intense phobia of rejection and failure.

I know I need years of therapy.

But I'm almost 25, not 18.

I'm going to find some way to practice by doing.

[777horns333rats]

trans OCD, doubt, and the internet

11/30/2020

tw, doubt, dysphoria, a bunch of other crappy trans related problems

today i made the very moronic decision of posting a tik tok venting about dysphoria today. i received multiple comments from 16 year olds telling me to “google tocd.” what i found in the results was honestly very dangerous. 

doubt is something i’m very familiar with, having been in the closet for 19 years. while presenting as cis, the innermost thought that was the backdrop to everything wasn’t necessarily “im in the wrong body” but more “something is wrong, and i feel like nobody knows me.” the thought “am i transgender” was constantly followed up by my very conscious follow up thought

“no, you aren’t transgender, transgender people are in pain all of the time, transgender people don’t question it, transgender people face so much bigotry and pain, you don’t want to face all of that bigotry and pain do you? even if you are transgender, you wouldn’t want to transition because you like dating men too much, men will never want to date you if you transition.” (i haven’t transitioned yet, but from what i know so far that last anxiety isn’t really true at all.) sometimes these purposeful counter thoughts would last for so long that they started getting pretty weird and meta. things like “if you were transgender, you are somebody who is so honest and doesn’t care what other people think, you would have already transitioned by now!” which is hard to make sense of in retrospect.

after coming out, and presenting as a woman, i don’t necessarily have these long battles with myself as often anymore, but i’d be lying if i said they went away entirely. its much easier to spot what my true feelings are and what is surpression now, but i still have moments where i’ll think, “what the fuck am i doing?” i think addressing this doubt head on is something that is really overlooked in the trans community, but is really important, because being trans isn’t about following a checklist, but following your authenticity. without doubt, how are we going to be sure if something is right for us? i still have doubt from time to time, where i’ll think maybe i am some form of nonbinary, or just a feminine man, it’s easy to tackle these thoughts as now i approach them with no fear, knowing the answer to them will not be a challenge to deal with, as i have already dealt with coming out as a woman.

here’s where that tik tok comment comes in. tOCD, or Transgender Related OCD, is not related to being transgender, but actually linked with OCD, with a fixation on transgender identity. i read a few stories from people with this and felt overwhelmed with shock at how similar these stories felt to mine. lying awake at night combatting the question “am i transgender?” feeling an immense sense of fear or dread along with the idea of transitioning, or “becoming transgender,” and the thoughts being triggered by certain random things. these things all felt very familiar to my experience, as my thoughts of being trans before i was out were not at all happy. that is the common difference i kept reading “for transgender people, these thoughts bring them joy, make them happy, and do not cause distress or make them try to combat these feelings.” this description of trans experience was not at all similar to my experience, this made me increasingly fearful that i had gotten it all wrong.

i threw myself into a rabbit hole. i read forum after forum, i tried to analyze a scientific study, i read blog posts and discussion boards. i do not often spend my time on the internet on forums with neurodivergent people, or in neurodivergent spaces, though i am neurodivergent, it doesn’t impact my life in many major ways so i do not seek those spaces, but finding a lot of tOCD forums, there is a MASSIVE amount of transphobia hidden there. while there are 100% cisgender people with tOCD, it looks like to me a lot of closeted trans people (or eggs) have co-opted that space in order to talk down their own thoughts. this makes the few tOCD forums that exist a dangerous mix of people assisting each other through their intrusive thoughts, and eggs spewing transphobic rhetoric in the comments of confused and nervous people. this was absolutely not healthy for me to see, and if you are going to do research yourself, i recommend checking in with yourself and your triggers, because it is really difficult to find the distinction from what i’ve found. 

i can report, i am a woman. this is something that is unwaivering through all of my forms of doubt. this is something that is a truth regardless of my thoughts, and regardless of my feelings. before i knew this though, my thoughts were not at all joyful when trying to find out this discovery. discovering i was a trans woman this whole time, meant i had been spending the past 19 years of my life, in a sense, lying to the people around me. it had meant i was spending my life up to this point, dormant, or not being my true self. it had meant i was going to have to go through expensive treatments, therapy, and oppression. all these thoughts of me being a woman were clouded entirely by overwhelming fear, so no, i didn’t feel happy when my thoughts approached me, in fact i felt nothing but overwhelming dread, and a desire to push those thoughts away.

living as a woman and embracing my gender identity has proven to be nothing but helpful, and has made me feel nothing but more confident and true to myself. the truth is always behind the panic, and when it comes to your gender identity, there’s very little reason to panic.

heres a link to the random quora answer that helped calm me down, i recommend you read it if you are having any anxieties : https://qr.ae/pNikpp

[spaceskam]

warning: mentions of past bullying/homophobia because it kyle

Kyle Valenti had prepared for a lot of up and downs in life. It came with the territory of being pre-med.

What he had not prepared for was coming home for Christmas break after his very first semester in college to see that his father had moved in Alex Manes so he didn’t get shipped off to war. He was even further less prepared for the following two weeks of seeing Alex Manes in increasingly more compromising situations--bent over to get something out of the oven, reaching up to get laundry detergent, stretching in the morning, parading around shirtless before bed, choosing tight little biking shorts to run in, sweating after working out, working out, just to name a few. 

By far, the last thing he’d been prepared for was, when his parents were at the station’s Christmas party, getting a little too drunk on whiskey with Alex Manes in a hot tub while discussing Lord of the Rings which somehow led to giving him head on the back porch like a fucking disaster who had no self control.

Now it was morning and Kyle was replaying the entire night over and over, staring at his bedroom ceiling with wide eyes. Up until college, Kyle had figured he was 100% straight. He’d seen cute guys, but no one he’d actually want to do anything with and, to him, that felt heterosexual enough. But those measly three and a half months that he’d spent at UNM had completely fucked up his world. Who knew so many boys got hot after high school?

But, still, he’d never really thought about acting on it outside of a fleeting, intrusive thought. Those thoughts got more frequent and stayed a little longer with Alex in his house, but he thought he had control. He thought it wasn’t a problem. Clearly he was very wrong.

In the next room over, Alex was sleeping in what used to be the guest bedroom. Disgust filled his mind as he remembered his parents explaining that having Alex around would be just like having a brother. You grew up together, they’d said, it’s no different than an adoptive sibling. There was nothing brotherly about the way he thought about Alex.

When someone knocked on Kyle’s door, he sat up and immediately started thinking of ways to explain himself. It was an accident, he didn’t mean to get on his knees. He simply fell. Alex went to help him, it was totally innocent when his shorts slipped off his hips. Water was heavy, you know? Besides, he wet ass-print on the wall had to be dry by now, there was absolutely no evidence that anything had been done for a long period of time. 

“Come in,” he said, voice slightly strained. Funnily enough, he wasn’t even hung over. At least, not on the whiskey.

Alex peeked his head in, seeing a little hesitant as he stared at him. His hair was ruffled, his septum piercing crooked, and, instead of his usual shirtless morning body, he had on a baggy sweater that engulfed him entirely. Kyle wanted to die. Why the fuck was that attractive? Who was calling the shots in his brain? He’d like to have a talk with them.

“Hey,” Alex said, clearing his throat, “Could we, uh, talk for a sec?”

“Yeah,” Kyle said, fidgeting in his bed. 

Alex entered the room completely and closed the door behind him. He seemed hesitant to come near him, but he did anyway. Kyle prepared himself for the absolute shit show about to come. He knew it would be bad because, honestly, he didn’t know what he wanted him to say. Did he want to be rejected? Did he want to find out what his lips tasted like? They’d skipped the kissing stage on accident.

“Um,” Alex whispered, his sleeves pulled over his hands as he tried to look natural. He just looked scared. “I just wanted to apologize about last night. I-If I made you feel like you had to do something you didn’t want to or just made you feel uncomfortable in anyway, I’m genuinely sorry. The whole lead up is blurry, so I don’t know if...”

“No,” Kyle jumped in, shaking his head, “No, dude, no. That’s, that’s not what happened.”

Alex eyed him and nodded slowly, not quite believing him. Which made sense. They had a weird time in high school. Or, just, bad. A bad time in high school. Why exactly was Alex the one apologizing again?

“I’m sorry,” Kyle added, “If I made you feel like-”

“No,” Alex said, voice soft and adorable and what the fuck, “No, I wanted it.” Kyle swallowed harshly. Was it getting hot in here? “I just, I know how you feel--or, felt, I guess--about me being gay and I wasn’t sure if there was some miscommunication happening. Because, like, I don’t actually remember any communication happening at all.”

“No, look, I’m sorry. About high school. All of it, I was stupid and confused,” Kyle told him, watching Alex’s eyebrows furrow a little bit, “I’m still stupid and confused. I do know I don’t... regret it. But I am still trying to wrap my head around it.” Alex didn’t say anything, simply nodding to show he was listening but didn’t want to put any words in his mouth. “Like, does this mean I’m gay now?”

Alex smiled a little in relief, shaking his head, “No.”

“Well, do you know what it does mean?” Kyle asked, “Because I definitely enjoyed myself, but I have never wanted to do that before the last, like, week. Then I get the opportunity and I throw caution to the wind. How’s that for impulse control?”

Alex gave a little laugh and it eased Kyle’s mind a bit more. 

“Um, could mean a couple things. Could mean you were just experimenting which is normal. Could mean you’re bi or something. It, uh, it takes awhile to really find a good word. Even then, it’s hard to know if it’s permanent. Stuff’s weird,” Alex explained, shrugging his shoulders. Kyle licked his lips and then moved his legs to sit criss-cross, giving Alex a space to sit on his bed. It took a little bit of silent confirmation before he did so.

“So, I’m gonna be confused for the rest of my life?”

“Not necessarily,” Alex said, biting his lips momentarily and Kyle really felt like it was on purpose, “Like, for me, I know I’m gay. I know I only want to have sex with men. But sometimes I still am like, okay, am I really though? Which, I don’t know, I think it’s pretty normal ‘cause, you know, heteronormativity is a thing.”

“Heteronormativity?” Kyle repeated. Alex again gave that sweet little smile.

“You know, like, thinking being straight is the default in society and, because of that, it makes it hard to understand your own sexuality and your own outlook on life because, well, it’s different from what’s been instilled in you from a young age,” Alex rambled. Maybe he was a little hungover because it felt like he was getting a little too fancy for first thing in the morning.

“Right, so what I’m hearing is that wanting to see you naked and wanting  to get your dick in my mouth was the beginning to a whole goddamn deconstruction of the way I view my own personality and, by extension, existence,” Kyle responded. Alex’s cheeks were a little flushed as the more blunt statement, but he nodded nonetheless. “Cool. Nothing quite like an existential crisis for breakfast.”

Alex gave a more genuine laugh this time and Kyle felt like, of all the things to be confused about right now, his mouth was not one of them.

“So, you’re not mad?” Alex clarified. 

“No,” Kyle said honestly, “But I’m sorry I was a dick to you in high school for clearly my own issues.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, licking his lips. He again pulled on his sleeves. “So... What now?”

Kyle didn’t have an answer. In fact, all he could do was stare at Alex and his lips and his cheekbones and his crooked little septum ring. He glanced up at Alex’s eyes for a moment before letting his gaze drift back down to his lips, feeling a little overwhelmed with desire. It was really hard to have a full freak out about things when Alex was literally sitting on his bed and looking too good to fathom.

Kyle lifted his hand mindless towards Alex’s face and was only remembered that it was weird when Alex flinched in response.

“Sorry,” he said, “Can I?”

Alex looked a little concerned about what he was asking for, but he gave a short nod to say that he trusted him not to be cruel. Kyle took that as the best thing he’d ever seen, but also acknowledged that he had a lot more to work on than just his own self-discovery. He should definitely work on making things up to Alex.

But, for that moment, he straightened out the little metal piece and rested his hand on the side of Alex’s neck. Alex just watched him, waiting for him to be the one to make the first move. So he did.

Kyle moved in slowly, telling himself he’d already gone way further than a kiss and so it shouldn’t be scary. It was still terrifying. He could feel Alex swallow harshly as he got close. Then they closed the gap.

The kiss was short and PG and, honestly, a little awkward. Yeah, they definitely need to fix some other things before this would be as fun as it was last night. 

Alex gave a short little laugh as they pulled apart, eyes sweet and kind and really helping Kyle make more sense of the world. How the hell had he ever been mean to him?

“Maybe we should go downstairs so you parents don’t get any ideas?” Alex suggested. Kyle nodded, tempted to kiss him once more just because. He knew it would be a little weird, though, and wasn’t sure if Alex wanted him to, so he didn’t. “And, don’t worry, I’ll keep your little revelation to myself.”

“Thanks,” Kyle said, feeling a little relieved over that despite not having considered that he would’ve told anyone. This was so fucking weird. 

“And, when you go back to school, you know you can always call me if you need to talk about it. I get that it’s hard,” Alex offered. Man, Kyle really wanted to kiss him again.

“Can I kiss you again?” Kyle asked. Alex laughed and rolled his eyes.

“Just a little bit.”

“Fair enough,” Kyle agreed, leaning forward with a little more confidence. The kiss was better than the first one, more comfortable and expected. It still didn’t go past anything you’d see on Disney Channel, but it had Kyle feeling ready to start his day.

“Okay,” Alex said against his lips, “Ready to go pretend like we didn’t defile your family’s backyard?”

“Yeah,” Kyle said, “But I can’t wait to do it again.”

Alex snorted a laugh and stood up off the bed.

“You sound so sure it’ll happen again.”

“Oh, it won’t?”

“We’ll see.”

And Kyle was definitely willing to wait.

[bonsaiiiiiii]

100 Weird AU's? Yes.

So, I had these AU prompts on my phone for quite a while, and I was actually thinking about using them. And what better way to do it than using them with the Tracy's?

Reading and reading these prompts again (and under the gentle guidance of @willow-salix ) I thought that these prompts doesn't exactly match the brothers' everyday situation, but what if we push it past its limit? Yes, biting more that you can chew can be a little difficult, but I don't think it will be impossible. And that's where this challenge is born!

Get the Tracy's out of International Rescue's bubble and let them live an everyday situation as normal people! They can also be medieval nobles or even futuristic robots, the choice's up to you! You can choose from soo many things others don't even think about (and not even me, for a while)!

Many thanks to @tag2060 for the cover and @willow-salix for the support (both emotional and 'fic-ical'. I love both of you💚

NOTE: THESE PROMPTS AREN'T ALL MINE. I TOOK THEM FROM A GIRL I'M NOT IN CONTACT WITH ANYMORE, BUT I WAS TOLD I COULD USE THEM. ALL CREDITS FOR THESE AU'S GO TO HER, WHATEVER IS HER NAME (lmao). THE GOLD MARKED ONES (7, 11, 20, 23, 39, 47, 63, 64, 70, 83, 89, 91, 93, 96, 100) ARE ALL MINE, IN SUBSITUTION OF A FEW THAT WERE THERE, SO CREDIT FOR THE GOLDEN MARKED ONES GOES TO ME, BUT NOT EVERY ONE OF THEM.

NOTE²: SOME OF THE PROMPTS CONTAIN STRONG THEMES, LIKE DEPRESSION AND SEXUAL CONTENT. IF YOU'RE SENSIBLE TO THESE THEMES, DON'T DO THEM, NOBODY FORCES YOU IF YOU DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE.

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ:･ﾟ✧(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ:･ﾟ✧(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

To participate in this challenge, all you have to do is take one of the AU prompts from the list, one or more (or all) Tracy characters, and post your fic (can be a ficlet, or a series) under the tag #100weirdTracys and #100weirdAUs.

If you don't want to participate, please don't harass/bully me. I made this challenge just for fun, and I don't want for it to feel like something bad. In fact, I don't even regret doing this thing, even if it's strange.

Ah, I almost forgot: this challenge will be over in December, so you have 4 months to choose a prompt and make a fic about it. On December I'll review all the fics, but I'll always be reblogging and reading during these 4 months lol.

If you want to tell me something, hit me up on DM's! I hope you have fun with those prompts and those bois!

(づ￣ ³￣)づ(づ￣ ³￣)づ(づ￣ ³￣)づ(づ￣ ³￣)づ

TO RESUME:

• Swearing is allowed.

• You can write as many words as you want!

• Oc's and muses can pop in too!

• Make sure to tag your fic(s) under the '#100weirdTracys' and '#100weirdAUs' tags, so that I can find them easily.

• Always tag or contact me if you need help with anything! I'll be more than glad to help you!

• If you decide to do the mature prompts (19, 90, just to state an example) please refrain from using a too mature language and don't go further than making up. I don't like that kind of language, so it would be peachy to just avoid writing so they make wild sex behind a bush. Any kind of very mature fic or language won't be read by me, I'm sorry. You can still use those prompts, but don't work their bed life too much.

• Any dialect or first language apart from english is more than welcome in this yard! I would love even to read snippets of foreign language in fics, as long as there's a translation near it, but you're not forced to write in another language. If you don't feel comfortable doing it just don't do it, even if I'm telling you. (For the record, I love Irish so much I could listen to a person speaking this language for hours and you won't hear me complaining).

• I will accept this challenge in whatever form it takes, be it a fic, a drawing, a song, etc. I’m open to anything and I watch everything that comes before me!

φ(．．)φ(．．)φ(．．)φ(．．)__φ(．．)

That said, you can find the prompts down here:⬇️

 #1 I saved you from drowning!AU

#2 I broke into your house at two in the morning because I was drunk and I thought it was my house!AU

#3 I am a door-to-door seller please buy something!AU

#4 I grabbed the wrong luggage at the airport!AU

#5 I know we hate each other, but a wedding would be more convenient for both of us!AU

#6 I accidentally poured you a love potion!AU

#7 I sent you 12 messages but you left me on read!AU

#8 I am your secret admirer and I leave you anonymous cards!AU

#9 Sorry, but I was first in line!AU

#10 We don’t know each other but let's pretend to be together because someone is bothering me!AU

#11 We pack up to do a funny trip but we end up in Bolivia without fuel!AU

#12 Locked in quarantine and we're bored! AU

#13 I do everything to find out the identity of this superhero and you try to mislead me because it’s really you!AU

#14 I got into a taxi just to find out it was already occupied!AU

#15 I called the wrong number!AU

#16 I got into the wrong car OMG I'm ashamed, but while you’re there why don’t you give me a ride!AU

#17 I found a wallet and my business is to find the owner and return it!AU

#18 I am a street artist and you complain that I play in front of your house at night!AU

#19 I caught you watching porn!AU

#20 We're two strangers that start chatting while waiting for the bus!AU

#21 Nosy and sloppy roommates!AU

#22 Old childhood friends who come back after years!AU

#23 I got shot to the arm/leg but you're there to save me and OMG ILY!AU

#24 We’re sitting next to each other on a plane and please don’t throw up on me!AU

#25 We accidentally switched phones!AU

#26 We are both contestants in a reality show and let's pretend to be together because the audience will ship us!AU

#27 I am a wedding planner and my ex’s wedding had to happen to me!AU

#28 I learned sign language to communicate with you!AU

#29 Professional model and novice photographer!AU

#30 Sorry I ran you over!AU

#31 We make out and then I find out that you are my roommate’s boyfriend!AU

#32 I’m quoting aloud the last book of a series and I’m spoiling you!AU

#33 It is a universally acknowledged truth that a bachelor with a large fortune must be looking for a wife!AU

#34 I am a Partisan and you are a fascist!AU(Italy during World War II!AU)

#35 I am the blood of the dragon!AU (Iron Throne!AU)

#36 Your dog is hitting on mine!AU

#37 I’m depressed and I decide to call a hotline!AU

#38 You are my soulmate but I am in love with someone else!AU

#39 Strange encounter at tattoo shop!AU

#40 On my mark, unleash hell!AU(Roman Empire!AU)

#41 I am an Elf, don’t look at me for ears I am ashamed of!AU(The Lord of the Rings!AU)

#42 Maybe my life should be more than just survival!AU(The 100!AU)

#43 I am an activist and I am trying to convert you to the cause!AU

#44 We are occupying the school but you are a spoilsport!AU

#45 All our friends are drunk and we're not!AU

#46 We’ve been together for three months and now you’re telling me you’re a werewolf!AU

#47 X has to go into a rocket to the moon and Y has to train X!

#48 Knight in shining armor and damsel in distress!AU

#49 We reluctantly team up against the zombie apocalypse!AU

#50 I’m a vampire and your smell is driving me nuts!AU(Twilight!AU)

#51 Monsters have attacked the Earth and the only way to save humanity is aboard giant robots piloted by two people who must maintain a mental union!AU(Pacific Rim!AU)

#52 My timer stopped as soon as I saw you!AU(Soulmate!AU)

#53 I need a lawyer and you are the best!AU

#54 I’m a Viking and I plundered your ship!AU

#55 I’m a classic dandy from the Regency Age and you’re just a silly girl from the lower middle class!AU

#56 I’m a policeman and you’re an intrusive journalist and I really shouldn’t give you any information about the new murder!AU

#57 You are a wannabe actress and I am a theatrical director who is losing patience and health!AU

#58 Due to a computer error, X and Y become college roommates!AU

#59 X wants to see the world of Y, how he lives and what he usually does, and ends up spending a night in prison!AU

#60 I attend the yoga course just to watch how flexible the instructor is!AU

#61 I am a bounty hunter and you are my prey!AU

#62 I am a secret spy and pretend to be your friend only to get information about your father!AU

#63 I discuss with you about a thing but you have in mind another!AU

#64 We are forced to be best friends just because our moms were best friends too but you're too bossy for me!AU

#65 We broke up but I never changed emergency contacts and now I’m in the hospital and they called you!AU

#66 I am an angel and you are a demon!AU

#67 I hit you on the balls during a game of paintball and oh my god I am so sorry!AU

#68 We live in a dystopian world where your partner is chosen by society!AU(Matched!AU)

#69 I’m a dragon trainer I’ll prove to you that they are peaceful creatures!AU(Dragon Trainer!AU)

#70 Date at japanese restaurant!AU

#71 You’re a cheerleader and I’m a punk and we live in two different worlds!AU

#72 I was a zombie and I was "re-animated" but you treat me like I’m still a monster!AU(In the Flesh!AU)

#73 I am your son’s teacher and I am calling to talk to you about his conduct, would he also come to dinner with me!AU

#74 I am an Achaean warrior and you Trojan and we are fighting the Trojan War!AU

#75 I met my asshole boss at the bar but I found out he’s pretty cool!AU

#76 It was not my intention to touch your ass, it’s just that the bus is crowded, it’s not my fault ok!AU

#77 I went fishing and accidentally fished a mermaid!AU

#78 I just committed a crime and I need to use you as a hostage!AU

#79 You’re the bastard who always parks in front of my door and in spite I’ll scratch your car!AU

#80 I accidentally went back in time and fell in love with you, too bad you’re a barbarian!AU

#81 I urgently need you to fix my computer but please don’t judge me for my chronology!AU

#82 I work on the cruise ship where you are spending your holidays!AU

#83 I'm out in the rainstorm without an umbrella because the weather forecast was sunny!AU

#84 I hugged the wrong person from behind!AU

#85 Celebrity on the run and ordinary citizen confused!AU

#86 Stuck in a ranch cleaning horse poop but it doesn’t matter because that cowboy is a badass!AU

#87 We got married in Vegas, but we’re total strangers!AU

#88 But, officer, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I was just smoking a joint, want a hit!AU

#89 X is an astronaut and Y is a weird but funny alien that likes to scream, overreact and laugh!AU

#90 I slept with you for a bet but I loved it and I’d like to keep seeing you!AU

#91 I reveal to some friends that you wear boxers/underwear with green aliens on them but you're behind me and oh gosh total shame!AU

#92 Oops I accidentally entered a busy dressing room!AU

#93 You're a stranger but I keep crossing paths with you and I'm kinda confused right now!AU

#94 X is a medium and Y a ghost!AU

#95 X is a guardian angel and Y wants to die!AU

#96 X accidentally enters in a cat and Y has to rescue it from up a tree!AU

#97 X risks losing the house because Y’s company wants to buy the land!AU

#98 I’m an artist and I need a model do you want to pose for me!AU

#99 I’m not really sick but the new doctor is so beautiful that I found out I have a disease with an unpronounceable name!AU

#100 A strange job application!AU

φ(．．)φ(．．)φ(．．)φ(．．)__φ(．．)

If you find them more practical, I also have some photos down here with all the prompts organized:⬇️

That said, enjoy! Hope it brings you joy and makes you happy while you do it!💙💚🧡💛❤💜💖🖤

[antpernas]

7/14/2021

Whoo! Okay!! Getting back into a rhythm again :D I got thrown off around July 4th weekend because of all the people my parents brought over, and then since then I just haven't been sleeping right. But today was really good! Not much has happened since then, other than me getting back into video games and all the usual chore stuff.

Anyway, today was really good! I took some Benadryl to knock myself out last night and WOW I don't know why I haven't done that to fix my sleep schedule before. Will definitely do that the next time I get thrown out of my routine.

I changed up my diet schedule a bit, I'm going to be having a bigger lunch and less "snacks" throughout the day, I'm hoping it'll help me actually get in all the calories I'm hoping to. Morning was normal, I ate and did the dishes, had Physics (a fucking headache but I'll survive, I think), and all that fun stuff. Eventually got around to getting ready for the gym, hauling a giant ass tree out of the bed of the truck (we all switched cars since my mom wanted to get this new tree), then heading out. Leg days always make me light-headed, so I'm thinking I'm either pushing too hard, have poor technique, or am just not used to doing leg days so often. I'm going to try and be disciplined when it comes to lower body now, since I've been ignoring her quite a bit! Plus, you have to develop your assets B)

After that I brought my mom some coffee, made a Starbucks bagel sandwich that tasted way worse than I remembered, delivered a medicine, then got home and practiced Cello! Was originally planning to play piano too, but then I had dinner and showered and all that, and I'm still deciding between hitting the keys or just taking it easy and relaxing before bed.

Okay, so finally starting something I've been wanting to do for a while, dissecting my thoughts and feelings at the end of my journals!

As of recent, I've been feeling really down about school and my direction in life, but today reminded me that as long as I'm happy and healing, for now, that's all I need to focus on. Everything will fall into place as far as my livelihood and future go, and even *if* I fail a class or two, that won't change.

Otherwise, I've been talking to this really sweet guy but now I feel TOTALLY silly because I think I've entirely been misreading our interactions! All this time I thought he was interested in me, but today he vented about some issues he's having with his boyfriend and I was caught superrr off-guard. It's not a BAD thing at all, I was feeling guilty about the fact that I wasn't sure if I liked him back, which kind of stems back to Scorpio and how I'm not sure if I'll ever fall for someone like I did for him... And that in itself isn't a problem, since I'm tired of these spontaneous, explosive romances happening out of nowhere; it's okay for me to not feel love at first sight. But how do I develop a relationship without it? A potential partner deserves someone who is enthusiastic and assured about their attraction, not someone who is apprehensive and questioning. I don't want to "settle" for someone I don't assuredly feel an attraction to, but if that attraction isn't there from the start, then what? Do I wait for it to come along, or do I just communicate from the start that I'm not sure? Regardless, though, this situation with this boy in particular is good because 1) now I don't have to worry about that stuff with him anymore, and 2) it's reminded me that I can't assume there's a romantic attraction just because someone of the same sex starts texting me!

The only "problem" that's arisen out of this, though (which has also kind of already existed), is knowing how much to text him now. We were getting along over music, something I NEVER will exhaust myself talking about. I already didn't want to seem overbearing, but now I REALLY don't want to be inappropriate or intrusive, given his relationship. I might talk to him about it, but it's made me realize in general that I don't really have a reference for what a "good" amount of communication between friends (specifically gays) is since I'm always the first one reaching out, and even in the majority of those cases I just don't get a response. It's... weird. I want to establish consistent and healthy friendships with people that I have things in common with, though! I think I'll just talk to him about it and see what he prefers/says.

Lots of thoughts, but these are the main ones. Hopefully over the next couple diaries I'll be able to make a habit of airing out what's on my mind.