#i was honestly upset when i found out there’s no grandparents relationship if a child that’s been born goes on to have a child themselves

[autism-disco]

interesting tomodachi life observation: if a mii is in a fight with someone but gets broken up with/divorced before you’ve resolved the fight, they don’t go into sadness. a fight with a friend supersedes a divorce

[sobdasha]

had a few more thoughts about the Honda family

and all the Souma parallels.

(and by “a few” I apparently meant “a lot”, I did not mean to write this many pages)

In the other post I’d made a comment about how Katsuya’s romance with Kyouko, severe age difference issues aside, is just plain pathetic, a point which I believe to be Upheld by canon. And I wanted to talk more about that, the implications of that, and how that further builds the Akito and Tohru parallel. And also, Why Tohru Can’t Love Her Mom And Kyou At The Same Time.

The ideal, in Fruits Basket, is that when you make a connection with one person who loves you and sees you, this will enable you to make further connections with the people around you. Tohru does a whole heck of a lot of this; for one example, see Yuki explaining this to Kisa in the liking-yourself speech. Yuki does some of this for bitty Haru and later for Machi. Kazuma does this for Kyou. And so on and so forth. The positive experiences are meant to have a ripple effect.

It’s important to be grateful for what you have (Yuki and Machi’s “just one person would be enough” scene), but it’s human to crave more than that (Kyouko telling Saki that it’s probably normal to want other people to accept you even if you already have a loving and supportive family). It is important to crave more than that.

This was, in fact, the entire point of the curse. God meets cat. Cat’s companionship allows god to form connections with other animals. Cat is dying and god decides that 13 friends is the perfect number of friends and starts the reincarnation cycle. Cat says, “god you never once left your house. I wanted to see you go down and make friends with the humans. I wanted to see you experience the world and laugh in the sunlight. God you made 13 new friends but you’re still lonely and closing yourself off to the world forever, this is wrong and I am sad.” The banquets were supposed to be the gateway drug of friendship and meaningful connections, not the place where 14 souls stagnated alone and isolated until it became a curse.

That same wrongness happens in Ren and Akira’s relationship, where finally making a connection with one person who loves you and sees you made their world smaller and smaller. It wasn’t healthy, probably because 1) they remained in a toxic environment, 2) Kureno implies that Ren has mental health issues and I assume those existed prior to Akira’s death and were exacerbated, rather than created by, her grief; also I can’t imagine she actually came from a non-toxic family herself, and 3) Akira’s “you’re going to die an early death and the only thing we need from you first is a successor” trauma. Akira never found anyone other than Ren who understood how upset he was. Ren never formed a relationship with anyone other than Akira, partly because she was now trapped in a toxic family that despised everything about her and she refused to Prove Them Right by leaving. They both viewed their child as an object rather than a person; Akira seeing proof that he and Ren were definitely OTP and the Souma could go shove it, and Ren seeing a Rival.

I have a memory that I said at some point—probably in a Talking About Shigure post—that Kyouko helps Katsuya connect with other people. But this, I think, is not really true. I was thinking of how Kyouko helps bridge the non-relationship between Katsuya and his father. But that’s just one person.

Really, Katsuya and Kyouko are more like Akira and Ren.

Marrying-someone-who-just-graduated-ninth-grade aside, the fact that Katsuya and Kyouko meet is genuinely a good thing. Katsuya finally connects with the humanity in another person. Kyouko is finally cared about as a person. Their misanthropic-jackass-and-abandoned-cat relationship improves both of them, probably. Their connection is definitely the reason Kyouko decides to go to high school and quit her gang. It’s harder to tell with Katsuya, but you could argue that seeing Kyouko struggling and fighting and screaming against the world, as honest about her joy as she is about her loneliness-channeled-into-rage, causes Katsuya to say screw it and pursue the career in pharmacy that he’s interested in, instead of fake-politely submitting to the world’s expectations and internally resenting and disdaining everyone around him.

Katsuya softens in his relationship with his father. Both Katsuya and Kyouko see their child as a person in her own right, Tohru, rather than an object. Katsuya, in fact, is adamant about that fact when Kyouko is terrified of her pregnancy—that they can treat their baby as her own person, and if they aren’t perfect parents and they hurt their child, they’ll apologize—because Tohru is a person and an equal—and admit that what they did was wrong and why it’s wrong. They’ll treat Tohru with the respect they should have gotten all along.

But I don’t think it ever goes any farther than that. Like god, the Honda family becomes more and more isolated.

Does Katsuya make any work friends? We don’t really get a complete view of their lives, because Takaya is one person who can only do so much and space is very precious, so we only see what’s crucial to the story. But I would be really surprised to find that Katsuya had made any close friends outside of Kyouko. I honestly doubt that he has anything more than casual work acquaintances. (In contrast, we repeatedly see Kyou together with the two guys who got names in the anime that I forgot in his class; his friendship with them doesn’t get explored much in the manga, presumably because it doesn’t do any heavy lifting for his character development, but Kyou clearly has casual friends who seek him out and whom he doesn’t mind being with. See also the way Saki and Arisa also interact with those guys as a part of the group, while Tohru really only interacts with Saki and Arisa or the Souma.)

And I don’t think Kyouko fares any better. Does she have any close friends, other than her husband and daughter? Does she make friends at work? I don’t know what kind of work Kyouko does, and if she would have the opportunity to take her breaks socializing with coworkers. But it appears she spends her work breaks in an abandoned area socializing with a first or second grader. Kyou is the only person, as far as we know, that mid-twenties Kyouko can start to open up to. She doesn’t get all the way there—Kyou doesn’t connect the dots until much later—but it’s the closest she comes to talking about how she hurt Tohru after Katsuya died.

Where are the family friends? It doesn’t strike me as weird that the Honda family doesn’t have them, because I have also grown up in a poorly socialized household, but even I am used to running into unfamiliar people in public who explain that they know my mom or dad. I’m pretty sure family friends are a normal thing, and that’s how you get aunts and uncles that aren’t related to you, much in the same way that I’m pretty sure it’s normal to be friends with your cousins (especially if they’re in a similar age range and live nearby) and it is very common for grandparents to bring grandchildren with them to the grocery store because the grandchildren are staying over and they’re having a relationship.

Where is anyone but the Honda family at at Kyouko’s funeral? Kyouko made friends with Arisa and Saki, but did she ever make friends with Saki’s parents? Where are Saki’s loving and supportive mother and father and grandmother when the Honda family is arguing about who has to take on the burden of Tohru? Where are they, if they knew of the bad blood between Kyouko and the Honda family (and the disinheritance between Kyouko and the Katsunuma family), to sweep over Tohru’s protestations and tell her that it will all be fine, they’ll make it work out (they packed up and moved house for Saki, after all), it’s not Tohru’s job to worry about being a burden, it’s the job of people who love her to take care of her?

It can be both “because of the necessity of the plot” and “because they didn’t know.”

Tohru inherits this small, isolated world. And because of the trauma of being abandoned by her grieving, depressed, absolutely-not-coping mother, Tohru picks up on that Souma curse mentality. Tohru’s dad left, and Tohru’s dad tried to take her mom with her, leaving her with no one but Grandpa (who is not intimately part of their world but is not fully outside it either). Tohru’s dad is now a Rival. Tohru’s dad is now an Outsider. Clearly, a bond with an Outsider weakens the True Bond that Tohru had with Kyouko. Clearly, Tohru’s dad is Not Needed (because the other alternative is that Tohru is Not Needed). Clearly, only one of them can have Kyouko.

And it’s going to be Tohru.

Tohru picks up Katsuya’s fake-polite speech, equally disingenuously but from the opposite direction (ie, Katsuya was fake-polite to be an asshole, and Tohru is genuinely polite but faking the words). Tohru is pretty sure this is a form of wicked manipulation (much like Yuki is convinced that “be kind unto others as you would have them be kind unto you” is a form of wicked manipulation). Tohru keeps up with it anyway. Kyouko, as Kyou suggests, was probably comforted by this; rather than going full Akira “you exist to prove that I lived and loved a woman”, seeing Katsuya’s mannerisms in Tohru reminds her that her husband did exist without having to erase Tohru as a person. Kyouko does a lot of growing on her own, but with no support system and no friends outside the family and being fresh-out-of-college age, it’s not surprising that she fails to talk with Tohru about this, and tell Tohru that she knows why Tohru’s doing this, she knows how she hurt Tohru and it was wrong, you don’t have to do this anymore. This is a hurt between them, a grief, that they never talk about, even though they both know it’s there and Kyouko tries to smother it with love and affection and Tohru tries to shut it up in a box of denial.

Tohru’s world is now just Tohru and Kyouko. Tohru doesn’t make any friends until middle school. We know she gets bullied and doesn’t fit in throughout her entire school life. She is a riceball in a fruits basket and probably just manages to scrape by in conformity culture. When she does make her first friends, Arisa and Saki don’t count as Outsiders who compromise Tohru’s bond with her mom because Arisa and Saki are also misfits on the fringe. They are outcasts Tohru can bring into the circle. They are all monsters together, like the cursed Soumas (the only reason no one refers to Akito as a monster to her face, the way they do the rest of the Zodiac, probably has less to do with the fact that Akito doesn’t transform and more to do with the fact that Akito being in a position of power is useful for their own ends, so best not to undermine the head of the family by pointing the whole monster thing out).

And then Tohru’s mom dies.

Tohru isn’t god and she can’t make an eternal banquet. Tohru doesn’t know how to process her grief and how not to fall to pieces. Tohru knows how to empathize with other people, but she doesn’t know how to be vulnerable. Did she remember Kyouko wanting to follow Katsuya, and think about doing the same? But Tohru also wants to keep living, somehow.

So she makes her mom not be gone. Her mom is dead, Tohru knows that, just like Akito knows that Akira’s soul isn’t in the box choosing her over Ren and showing her the way to happiness. But maybe. So she talks to the portrait of her mom. She tries to rescue her mom from suffocating inside a mudslide. She takes her mom on holiday to the onsen. Her mom gets kidnapped once by Hiro. Tohru’s mom is definitely not gone. Tohru and her mom definitely still have an eternal bond. Tohru’s mom will always be first in her heart, so that Tohru will always be first in her mother’s heart. Tohru will never abandon her. Tohru will never leave her behind.

(Tohru will never be left behind.)

Tohru’s world is just Tohru and her mom.

Tohru has two best friends, Arisa and Saki, but she won’t let them in. She won’t depend on them. She won’t tell that that her grief is crushing her and that she’s living in a tent because she’s terrified of being abandoned. Tohru makes a lot of new friends in the Souma family, and she’s very happy, but she won’t let them in either. Tohru can’t open up to any of them freely.

I don’t think I saved it anywhere the survived the computer death, but I saw at least one post in the fandom talking about the growing disappointment of the reboot anime, and they had a valid point, so I’ll bring that in now.

I really like the reboot, but I am losing my passion in the final season. Adapting a story from one media to another is hard, and at the beginning I thought they were doing a good job. Small things were being cut, scenes were being rearranged and stitched together, but there was a definite purpose behind it. Instead of literally following each chapter, each episode tried to be a self-contained theme in the same way a manga chapter would be. Because themes repeat again and again in Fruits Basket in a slow build, this was working well. But small things that didn’t quite fit got cut. Scenes I liked and was sad not to see, but that I accepted had to be left out to make the episodes stronger.

But they’ve been piling up and piling up. Small holes have accumulated into big plot holes that the third season is tripping over. I’m sad that we don’t see the small progressions of Yuki and Machi’s relationship, the quiet scenes that show Machi is trying to pay attention to Yuki the way he has paid attention to her, and also all the Mogetas. I’m sad Komaki is the new manga-only character. If we don’t get Kyouko’s full backstory, we lose a lot of the context that’s in this post. I could go on and on.

But most importantly, as that someone else pointed out, we missed out on the progression of Kyou and Tohru’s flirting. It’s too late to cram all of that into a montage episode, and so now we’ve been given episode after episode of Mom Tohru, and hardly any Tohru Struggling With Romance In Addition To Struggling With Grief before suddenly everyone is confessing their love and I’m not as into it in the anime as I am in the manga.

So many of the Souma love and accept Tohru, but Tohru remains an Outsider—not because of the curse, but because she hasn’t formed close friendships with them. Tohru has a lot of people among the Souma she likes who like her, but she’s always a Mom to them. Tohru shares some of her own pain with them, but it’s shared for their benefit, not for Tohru’s own catharsis. Tohru shares so she will be loved, not so that she will be accepted.

Except Kyou.

Kyou, who looks at Tohru and thinks, “I’m pretty sure she’s that lonely person even now, even while she’s smiling and genuinely enjoying every moment with us.” Kyou, who’s falling in love with Tohru. Kyou, whom Tohru’s falling in love with.

Kyou is the only one that Tohru takes a desperate risk with. Kyou is the only one Tohru ~disillusions~ and ~disappoints~ in the hope that he’ll accept her regardless.

Kyou is the only one Tohru tells, “I don’t talk about my dad because I kicked him out of the family. I know my dad loved us and I loved him back, but I pretend to talk like him so my mom will forget about him and love me instead. He came between me and my mom and now I pretend he doesn’t exist. And I know I’m an awful person for behaving like that, so I keep his picture and pretend I don’t, and I pretend he’s the Bad Guy who earned it.”

The idea that Tohru can’t love both her mom and Kyou is, in a way, true. (I think that same post I’ve been referencing also talked about how dropping the budding romance also dropped a lot of the clues that this is Tohru unable to process her grief? Which is also very true. But if Tohru has the Souma mindset, then actually she has a legit point about not being able to love two people at once despite being a very loving person. Both can be true. Multitudes.)

Kyou is an Outsider to the world of Tohru and her mom. And if Tohru chooses to love him, it will weaken her bond with her mom, which is predicated on loving her mom more than anyone else. If she expands her world to include him in it, she will be betraying her mom. Tohru will be the Bad Guy who left her mom behind and abandoned her. Tohru will be her own villain, condemned for the same crimes she pinned on her dad.

Kyou 100% gets where she’s coming from with this, because he turns this exact argument on her when she confesses to him and he panics (akin to when Tohru chases him down in his true form and he slashes her and, in the reboot, yeets her into the lake, so that she will be hurt so bad she’ll never pity/love him again). He asks her if her love for her mom—her bond—was just a lie.

Tohru making friends after Kyouko’s death has been a lot like Akito letting Yuki and Kyou out into the world, certain that it would drive them back to the bond. Yuki getting character development is a huge betrayal. Tohru wanting to be together with Kyou, when she should only want to be together with her mom, is a huge betrayal.

Tohru has no model for expanding her world. She’s good at loving people, but bad at letting them in (Kyouko was bad at that too—like Mom Tohru, she was very good at sharing anecdotes about her violent youth, but very bad about sharing how she’d failed Tohru as a mom). Like Akito, she only really knows the bond—the certainty that her mom would love her. She’s been so terrified of not being loved that she’s acted this entire time like her mom is still around. When Kyou’s love is a possibility, she can only conceptualize it as a betrayal of her relationship with her mother.

It always seemed a bit too abrupt that Tohru looked at Akito with the knife and went “oh shit we’re literally the same”, but now that I’ve thought this all out, it makes eloquent sense. The whole time Tohru’s been working against the curse, she’s been in denial about her own blessing-burden-curse. Now that she’s just admitted it and had it thrown back in her face, she can look at Akito and see another person in an insular little world, isolated and lonely and walled-off from the world. Of course Tohru desperately wants to make friends with knife-wielding Akito—she just decided to let go of her ties to her mother that were suffocating her, and take her first steps into the world, and got immediately dumped by the person she loves. Of course she wants to make friends with someone who knows exactly where Tohru’s coming from and how terrifying what Tohru just did is and how awful it is to be rejected even though she’s got other friends she loves out here in this world she’s decided to finally step into.

Tohru is so damn lonely, and Akito is there, also lonely and screaming and crying and undeniably human.

(Smile, Tohru tells herself in the hospital. Smile and tell Kyou you were happy to meet him and just let him go. Don’t be a curse. Smile and let him find his own happiness. Which is more or less the same struggle Akito is also going through. But maybe they’re going through it together. Maybe they used their words, together, when they couldn’t confide in anyone else. Although it feels a bit unlikely that Tohru let herself break down about Kyou in front of Akito, and Akito already had one pity-party in front of Momiji and may not have wanted to burden Tohru with a second.)

One thing I really love about Fruits Basket Another is that Hajime alludes to the fact that Kyou probably won’t inherit Kazuma’s dojo after all.

Kyou inheriting the dojo is something both Kyou and Kazuma have wanted, and it gives me many warm fuzzies. It is very narratively satisfying. The dojo, while Souma property, is not actually part of the main estate.

What I love is that Kyou probably won’t take over the dojo specifically because he and Tohru have made so many friends in their new town that they don’t want to pick up and leave. Kyou finally succeeds in freeing Tohru from that small, lonely world, much like he’s been freed from the fate of the Cat Room. Their relationship enriches them personally and also enables them to make so many new connections. Kyou has friends at the dojo! Tohru has friends at work maybe! Friends where they buy groceries, friends among the parents of their children’s classmates, friends outside of their extended Souma family! They’ve kept ties that don’t hold them back and made new ties that don’t weaken or steal away any of their old ties!

When they left Tokyo, Tohru was prepared to go anywhere as long as it was with Kyou. Now, she and Kyou both don’t want to leave because their world is so much larger than just their nuclear family and they’ve put down roots. They’ve seen each other not only lonely in the moonlight and worn thin by death and loss, but they’ve gotten up and gone down the mountain to where the people live and made friends among them, laughing in the sunlight. Just like the cat always uggghhhhh I’m not crying I’m just so damn happy for them I can’t

[calypsoff2]

Eight.

It’s just funny to me now, since the whole situation with TJ I’ve been very upset about it. I’ve not let it affect my marriage but it’s upset me a lot, I’ve not let it just affect what Chris and I are going through but Chris is just there trying to find out which I won’t say anything but TJ is literally here more, he hasn’t gone to VA either with his son and that is pissing me off but my family are here for Christmas and that makes me happy, they have really taken that strain off me, the girls have so many people to go too while mommy is just thinking on what to do. I have been going through my accounts, researching things that Chris has paid for too. I mean it’s joint, I know what goes in and out, I don’t check on what he does but I did this time. I met my personal accountant, and we went through it, and he’s like Chris is a spender, he is. I don’t care for that, but I do for what he is on others. Just calculating things, extra activities meaning what the girls do and the fucking school. We are paying over a one hundred thousand, which I don’t care for when it’s my child but it’s now. We are paying for Camron, I am angered. He payed three grand to this academy on top of that, there is money coming out for shopping sprees and there was a random transfer which was under CC, I told my accountant to check that right on the spot. There is like two thousand a month going to it so I am tracking that. I am doing this so tonight I can bring it up, I have the information I need before I go to this and he’s like what you on about. It has to stop, and it stops now. He bought TJ and Camron season tickets to the lakers, Christmas gift so all three can go. I am just going insane, but I am keeping my cool about it. I actually want to know what Chris is saying about me to TJ also, he wants a son that much that he’s taken Camron in, I don’t want it and it stops now. We can’t continue to feed this child, a child Seiko or TJ don’t fucking want, if he wants a son so much then adopt him, I am sick and tired but when I find out what the CC is I will be having it out with him.

My home is super busy which I honestly love to see just because it makes the festive time even better, you can be with loved ones. The way the grandparents did this place up, my daughters are in love with the decorations, I love to see my kids happy. That is all I want, I work hard and do all this not just to live out my own dream but to also give my kids the best start in life, I always want my kids to work for it, but I will do my best to give them the best start I can. I do it for them, and myself of course “come here” picking up Imani as she ran at me “mommy look out there” Imani pointed, oh what is out there. Making my way to where she is pointing, this girl of mine is spoilt by her dad. I feel like more so then the other two, this one is too spoilt “oh wow! Oh my god!” I shouted; this looks like it’s been snowing “oh my” I said again “shocked huh? I just felt like you been feeling down and to do something sweet for us. Going to get Santa to come, we got the fake snow out there for the kids” I am impressed “did daddy make you happy?” Imani nodded her head “what did you ask from Santa?” I asked “he not come” I let out an oh “he’s not here yet just thought it’s dope. Kids are here, the family too. Make it a family thing, I love it” he got a point “well why don’t you go outside with your siblings” putting Imani down “go on, have fun baby” that’s sweet of Chris to do this for the kids and the family that are here to celebrate “have you taken the test then?” Chris asked as he made his way over to me “what test?” Turning to him “pregnancy test?” He said smiling “no, I’m not pregnant Chris” pushing him away laughing “but you been all over, emotions, you been crying. You been angry, just all over the place, you sure” shaking my head laughing, he’s funny.

He’s looking at me like I am crazy, I am looking at him like he’s crazy, but he thinks I am pregnant because I’ve been emotional which on his side is right, but I know I am not “I just don’t want to speak on pregnancies and babies, I am sick of the subject Chris. I am happy with what I got; I am content with my daughters. If you feel you ain’t then I don’t know what to say to you” he didn’t like that “but you said science, they have that thing they can do it. One last baby?” Sighing out “I know Chris and we can but right now no, we have too much going on. We have time do we not? What if it’s a girl? We throw it?” I snapped “but we make sure it’s not” he is unbelievable “why do you want a boy so bad? It’s not the end all? Like on a real what is your problem? All I hear from your mouth now is a boy, isn’t my daughters good enough for you” I am angered now “because to carry my name Robyn, it will complete our family don’t you think? I just really want something of me, a mini me. Your genes are strong, everything is pretty and girlie, and I love it. I love my daughters, but I want a boy, like I had the relationship with my dad, fine. You don’t want it” rolling my eyes “so you can bitch about me to your friends?” Chris’ face softened in confusion; my phone started ringing in my hand “what?” He said “I need to take this” walking off and answered the call “hi” I answered “hello Robyn, I have been tracking this transaction for you. Are you ok to speak?” Rushing to the office quickly, closing the office door “I am now, listening?” I feel nervous now, what if it’s something I don’t want to hear. What if he’s creating a fund to get away from me, I mean he wouldn’t do that, he loves me too much. I know my husband does but still, where the fuck is that money going too “yes so we have found more information and it is going to a separate account what looks like a savings account called Camron Chris, is it being deposited every month there” Camron fucking Chris, he is taking my money “oh I know that” I breathed out, I swear to god I am sick of him, and I will need to speak to him.

Stepping outside seeing my kids having the best time of their life, that is what means the most to me “Chris always does the most for them” stood next to Joyce “he does, I just hope that this is the last time he gets hurt. I get so scared for him” she said, nodding my head agreeing “he is stupid at times, Chris!” I shouted him “Joyce, tonight. Can you take care of the kids?” I asked before Chris came up to us “of course, will you both be late?” I shrugged not knowing if we will be “maybe but are you good with that? I know it’s late notice” Joyce waved me off “don’t be so stupid, I will take care of them” looking over at Chris “I am taking you out” crossing my arms across my chest “really?” he said in shock “yeah why not, my treat” I winked turning on my heels, I mean I am not going to be a bitch about anything. I am taking Jen’ advice, I will do this way and ask Chris to stop. This will either be an argument, or he does it and TJ shows his true colours but what if TJ doesn’t, what if TJ is like it’s whatever. That still doesn’t move on from the fact he was being so nasty to me, still to this moment he is coming to the home and if he thinks he is invited to Christmas then he isn’t, I am pissed off though. He has been putting our money aside, he shouldn’t be doing that. He shouldn’t be spending the way he does, this is our future. What the fuck is he playing at, I am just fucking shocked that he is doing this when he has no right.

My daughters think it is dress up because I am dressing up for tonight, they are using everything I am. Anything I put down they use, Rylee trying my heels on and Tianna putting my hoops on with Imani copying “mom” looking over at Rylee “yes baby?” I am just getting flashbacks to the things I did with my own mother right now “you are so pretty mom” I cooed out “thank you, that is so sweet” she knows how to make me feel good “super pretty” Tianna added, my babies are the best “You think daddy will like my dress and make up?” they nodded their head “they will hurt your ears Tianna, take them off. Anyways, please stop now. I need to go, dress up stops now. Look at the mess” I groaned out, Rylee walked off dragging my heels on the flooring as she did “I will mom, Ti. Come!” she shouted, rolling my eyes “Imani” snatching my lip gloss from her “ladies, are you all getting ready?” Chris said laughing “seems like it, just finishing off and I will be with you” Chris looked at me so impressed, I look good then “mhmmm Christmas present wrapped up” Chris came up from behind me “so I look good then?” he inhaled my scent deeply, his nose pressed against my neck as he did “my god” he breathed out.

Chris is acting like I would have taken him any other place, Giorgio Baldi is life. He really thought I was going to take him anywhere else “man, you really annoying for this” he is annoyed now “this is my date, the fuck? I just invited you” sipping my wine laughing “don’t play me, you took me out on a date, now you switching it?” pulling a face at him “I asked if you wanted to go out for food, that was all” I know I asked him out “then can I go home?” he is funny, asking about going home “you wouldn’t leave me here now, looking like this” Chris licked his lips “mhmmm I suppose, but it’s nice to be asked out for a change. I was geeked until you bought me here” rolling my eyes, he can be so negative because I bought him here “whatever, but how is Chris? Are you feeling good, even though you wanted to add more kids into the family. I think we are busy enough” downing the rest of the wine “oh we being shady now?” he laughed “shady, where? I was just saying, waiter. Pour me some more wine” Chris frowned at me, I could have poured it myself, but he can do it. The waiter was close by “anything for you madam” I smiled at Chris sitting back in the seat “fill it though, to the top” the waiter I laughed nervously “don’t get hard now bro” Chris said, he is so dramatic to be saying that “thank you” I breathed out laughing to myself “what is funny?” I shrugged “let’s have fun” now I am not looking to get drunk, but I need this to hype me up.

My mind is really not on food, its what I am going to say to Chris. Staring at the glass of wine, clenching my jaw thinking on how to start this “Robyn?” Chris said, looking away from my glass and at Chris “CC, what is that?” sitting back in the chair, Chris knows what I am speaking on already “It’s a little shady don’t you think, taking money from our account” Chris took in a sharp breath “I have been speaking to my accountant, I haven’t really had the time to check on those things. I am busy, but I thought it was time I check on the money. My husband likes to spend, which doesn’t bother me. But we are paying for four kids’ private school, a basketball academy, a motherfucking apartment and now some saving account, are you real right now? Are you being real? You are using my kids money on this nigga, don’t fucking piss me off Chris. I am angry, why the fuck are you paying for his shit!?” I spat; I am so angry “so you just checking on the accountant because you don’t trust me? Is that what it is now?” oh he is putting it on me “go back to the subject, why are you paying for this child? Is it your secret love child Chris? Huh? The long lost son you want” Chris looked taken aback “what? Don’t say that shit, you know I would never! I didn’t tell you because you would be irrational like now” I laughed out “you right, if we are being buck. That’s my money too nigga!? I have a right to fucking know now answer the question” he needs to not piss me off even more, I am sick of his stupid friend already.

I can’t believe he has been doing this right under me, but I have been too busy to check properly “look, you just don’t understand Robyn. The kid loves me, I am his uncle. His mom is wack and TJ just drags him around places, originally he was going to stay in VA, but I was like you’re not even there, so he came here. TJ said your idea and then Camron said am I going to the same school has Rylee, I felt bad. I just feel it’s wrong, this kid doesn’t deserve it” he is saying this to the wrong person “you stop this, and that saving account you put the money back, I don’t care. Good cause or not, you gave Black Pyramid to him, TJ has done nothing! He has just reaped the benefits. I want you to stop paying for his school fees, I want you to stop that now. And you listen to me, you get TJ to pay for the lawyer, I want my money back. You stop treating him like he is yours, he is not yours. He has a dad; you have three kids. Stop doing dumb shit by being so kind, nobody appreciates it. If TJ wants Camron back in VA then so be it, it’s not your problem. I don’t want to hear anything from your mouth sticking up for that man Chris, I said what I said. If you feel otherwise then go and live with him and see if he keeps you warm at night, would he pay for your kids!? No he fucking wouldn’t, I really can’t get over you using our money on some nigga child. Your nephew don’t even get that, now if you said Desean then so be it, maybe you just have some sick obsession with Seiko, you always there at the kids party with her” Chris is angered by what I am saying, he got up from the chair “I need the bathroom” of course he does, pisses me off and now he wants the bathroom.

[jalapeno-princess]

Hey Santa

Mark Tuan X Reader

Word Count: 2.8K

Genre: Fluffity fluff 

Summary: Christmas has always been your favorite holiday, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to be all that happy this year since your favorite person in the entire world is currently thousands of miles away on a business trip. However, Santa always seems to have a few tricks up his sleeve and this Christmas turns out not that bad after all.

The lights and festive decorations surrounded all throughout town were a constant reminder that Christmas was just around the corner—five days to be exact. As excited as you wish you could have been right now, especially because winter just so happened to be your favorite season and Christmas was your favorite holiday for many different reasons, you couldn’t find it in yourself to really get in to the Christmas spirit this year. 

If anything, you felt like the grinch. Witnessing how happy everyone you were surrounded by—your family, friends and colleagues did make you feel the least bit jealous. 

Just last year, you were the one trying to get everyone in to the Christmas spirit. You set up your Christmas tree in your apartment a week before Thanksgiving. You stayed up with your boyfriend Mark making dozens of different cookies to pass out, the two of you decorated the tree to the best of your abilities—or at least tried your best to. 

You’d cuddle up on the couch together watching a bunch of your favorite Christmas movies and hummed along to some of the best Christmas songs; new and old while washing dishes or doing the laundry. Last year had to be the best year, especially because it was your first Christmas together as a couple. 

He brought you to see the lights; something you’ve been indirectly hinting towards wanting to do, you brought him ice skating—one of the only activities you did better at than him, he invited you to go snowboarding and sledding with his family up in the mountains and on Christmas Day, he gave you the prettiest heart shaped necklace and told you he loved you for the first time after five months of dating. 

Maybe it was because you had the time of your life the previous year with the man you called your soulmate and now you were miserable and lonely. Mark was currently away on a business trip in Japan, trying to secure one of the biggest business deals that could bring his company a lot of success. 

You had a hard time understanding why his boss felt the need to send him just days away from Christmas but you didn’t want him knowing that it bothered you. Your boyfriend was one of the youngest department supervisors at one of the top technology companies in the country. 

Not only was he extremely intelligent; graduating with his master’s degree in business at only 24-years-old, but he was very passionate in his field of work and he did anything and everything in his power to help bring the company as much publicity and prosperity as he possibly could. You admired his work ethic and how determined he was to excel in his career, but you would have preferred for him to be with you right now. 

It was currently snowing in California and there was nothing more that you wanted than to be cuddled up in bed with Mark—a tangle of limbs underneath your blankets watching the snow fall against your window while drinking some hot chocolate and stealing sweet kisses from one another. 

If Mark were to come home and saw how dull and empty the current state your apartment had been because you had no desire to do anything merry—he would have been upset. He loved Christmas as much if not just a little bit more than you did—so you were sure he wouldn’t have been too happy if he found out you were having such a horrible time. 

On the day that he found out about his trip, he was visibly upset. He wasn’t as verbal as he was physical with you—clinging on to you like a sloth. Following you all around the apartment like a lost puppy and holding you in his embrace as you cooked dinner for the two of you. It was then—mid bite of his shrimp pasta—Mark admitted that he tried to prolong telling you about the trip because he knew you would be devastated. 

Honestly, that had to be the understatement of the year. You were heartbroken beyond belief. This year, your grandparents were flying down for your younger cousin’s graduation and it’s been at least two years since you’ve seen them, so you expected this holiday season to be one for the books. However, you didn’t take his absence so lightly. Your boyfriend has left on business trips multiple times for weeks and even months on end. 

Sure, you hated any moment spent without him by your side and talking to him through your phone and computer screens weren’t the same as having him there with you in person—but you did your best to be a supportive girlfriend by not showing an ounce of distress. It’s just that—Christmas came around once a year; you suffered through work and school; crying while staying up and studying for exams—being scolded at work for things that were out of your control. You waited all year for this one day and now it was ruined.

You hated the fact that you were acting so childish, there was nothing he could do. It wasn’t as if he could tell his higher ups that he didn’t want to go—no matter how much he didn’t want to. Mark even nonchalantly tried to reschedule the trip, but the director already purchased his ticket. 

He made it a habit to call you right before a meeting, before he went to bed, right before you went to sleep and when you woke up in the morning. Hearing that Japan was decked out in Christmas decorations and how even their food was festive made you wish you could have taken off from work to be there with him. You didn’t care where you ended up spending the holidays, all you cared about was who you spent it with and the only person whose presence you craved the most was more than 5,000 miles away and 19 hours ahead of you. 

Working at your family’s Christmas annual “Santa’s Workshop” that they held every year since before you were even born never failed to bring you so much joy. When your cousin was diagnosed with Leukemia when the two of you were only 6-years-old, your aunty decided after seeing all the children in the hospital not able to celebrate Christmas as they probably would have wanted to—that she would give them and their families a chance to have their own little private festival in one of the hospital ballrooms so that the kids could get a visit from Santa Claus along with toys that were donated from families all across of California. You loved being able to do something like this; you wanted to give back to the less fortunate and seeing the bright and hopeful smiles on all the adorable little children’s faces always seemed to make your heart flutter. 

How could you be so selfish—letting the fact that Mark wasn’t there with you get in the way of your happiness when there were little ones who were suffering through some really tough battles. But you were only human; you hardly ever got to see Mark as it was—and that said a lot considering that you lived together. His job took up most of his time and you did your best to hide the fact that being his second priority bothered you. 

Trying to take on more hours at work in order to take your mind off of the distance in your relationship wasn’t enough to cover up how much you were falling apart at the seams. Mark Tuan was the love of your life—your life revolved around him. He was genuinely the biggest blessing that you couldn’t even fathom in to words how grateful you were to be the lucky one who got to love him and was vehemently loved by him. You missed him even when you were with him. You felt pathetic—allowing someone to have this much power over you, but that just showed how much you loved him with your entire being.

As much as you would rather have been locked up in your room watching home alone reruns while stuffing your face—being dressed up as an elf and assisting the children as they made their way one by one on to Santa’s lap; telling him what they each wanted for Christmas wasn’t all too bad. It was actually the best thing to happen so far since December came around. You found yourself smiling every time one of the patients beamed up at Santa Claus. 

Honestly, nine hours went by faster than you would have expected it to. Observing the way the kids would grin in delight after receiving a present tugged on your heartstrings and opened your eyes to the idea that Christmas was so much more than asking for and getting all the items on your Christmas list. It was seeing these hopeful little faces gleam even for only a few moments. You might have missed your boyfriend dearly, but you knew he would make up for lost time once he finally arrived back like he always did. 

After the last child got a gift from Santa and made their way back to their hospital room, you and your cousins began to close up shop—turning off the lights on the tree, folding up some of the poster boards and just preparing everything for the next day when you heard someone gently whisper your name. 

You smiled softly at the older man; he was a friend of your uncle’s who has been dressing up as Santa for longer than you could remember. You made your way towards him and laughed softly to yourself when he patted his lap. 

“Do my old eyes deceive me or is your smile not as sincere as it usually is? what’s wrong y/n? you’re always so bright and cheery this time of year but these days, your excitement seems so forced.” 

Releasing a sad sigh, you were well aware you couldn’t lie to him; he already knew there was something bothering you so there was no point in hiding what was currently clouding your entire thought process. 

“You’re going to think it’s silly—“

“Your feelings aren’t silly y/n. You’re only human, it’s okay to be sad sometimes, even during the most wonderful time of the year. I’m sure you haven’t told anyone else what’s wrong, so why don’t you tell Santa? Maybe I have a gift for you that might uplift your spirits.” 

You were too busy staring at the ground in disappointment to notice the glint in his eye—but you didn’t want to keep him waiting. It was late, you were sure he wanted to go home just as much as you did, so you poured your heart out to the older man. 

“My boyfriend—he’s currently on a business trip in Japan and I just—I don’t know, I miss him dearly and I just wish he could have been home for the holidays and now I feel like a grumpy little scrooge.” 

He laughed lightly while gently squeezing your arms as a way to comfort you. Admitting it out loud sounded so pathetic but it also made you feel lighter in a way. Telling someone else of your problems felt good; it took a huge weight off of your shoulders, but it didn’t feel the void Mark always seemed to cause whenever he had to leave. 

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with moping around because of that. The holiday season is the time you want to spend with your loved ones the most. Your parents told me about him a few months ago—Mark is it? He sounds like a really great guy and your mom seems impatient waiting for the two of you to get married. I’m sorry about the unfortunate situation y/n, but just think about it this way, you’ll have many, many more Christmases to spend with him. Don’t let this one circumstance ruin the way you look at this glorious wintertime. If you’ll excuse me, I have to use the bathroom, I’ll be right back.” 

He was right; it has only been almost two years since you and Mark began dating, but you knew he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You sat there for a few minutes, looking at your phone to see if Mark had gotten in contact with you and you let out a sad sigh when you realized there was nothing. He did say he had meetings to attend the entire day—so you understood that he was probably busy, but it didn’t make you feel all that much better. 

Finally, you could see in your peripheral vision that the older man arrived back and motioned for you to get up before sitting back down and had you take your spot back on his knee. 

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before—I love that man with every single breath that I take. Waking up next to him—feeling his heartbeat against mine, I can’t explain how exuberant he makes me feel. Every time we’re together, it’s like we’re in our own little worlds. He’s been so busy these days and sometimes I feel as though I’m a burden to him. I’m sure he’s probably exhausted after coming home from work, but he never fails to do whatever it is that I want to do together just to make me smile. I want nothing more to marry him one day—maybe I should fly up to Japan and surprise him—“

“I don’t think that would be the best idea right now.” 

You frowned at his words; wasn’t he encouraging you earlier to try and make the best of the next two weeks until the new year? What made him change his mind in the few minutes while he was away? Before you could ask him about what he could have meant, he wrapped his hands around your waist and placed his chin on top of your shoulder. 

You were surprised at the sudden movement—you didn’t want to seem rude and push him away because you were now feeling uncomfortable, but you didn’t know how to feel. However, before you could say or do anything, he brought his mouth up to your ear and whispered softly before placing a gentle kiss right below your ear. 

“If you go to Japan, then we won’t be able to celebrate the holidays together babe.” 

Your eyes widened in shock—how could you not differentiate between the two voices? Maybe you were too deep in your self pity to notice—but you flung your arms around his neck and smashed your lips against his. Your boyfriend smiled against your mouth and depend the kiss as his hands made their way down to your lower back. 

“Mark you ass! I was about ready to sock a family friend in the face, why didn’t you tell me you were coming home? You knew how miserable I’ve been—“ 

He stole a wet kiss from the corner of your mouth; his way to silence you before playfully squeezing one of your thighs. 

“I’ve been just as miserable baby. I’m sorry, I was actually debating on whether or not I should tell you—but your mom told me that it would be a lot more fun if I surprised you. You’re well aware that I can’t keep secrets for shit. I almost blurted it out last night when you told me how rough your day was. None of that matters though—I’m here now and I have a lot planned for us. I’ve missed you so fucking much baby. Don’t get me wrong, Japan is such an amazing country—but fuck, I feel so numb when you’re not by my side. By the way, I feel the same exact way about you y/n. You’re my entire world. I love you so—so very much. I don’t think there’s enough words in the English dictionary to form a sentence perfect enough to describe what it is that I feel for you. I’m sorry—so fucking sorry that you think my job means more to me than you do. Nothing in this entire world means even half as much to me as you do. I’m at fault for making it seem that way, but I plan on spending the rest of my life showing you and telling you otherwise. Now, there are a few mistletoes that have our names on it—why don’t you let me make up for not being around as much as I should. This Christmas will be a lot more astounding, that’s a promise.” 

He reconnected your lips together, not being able to stay away from your lips for too long. You really did miss this. Being held by him, feeling him lick on your bottom lip—nonverbally asking for entrance, having him run his fingers through your hair. Mark was your home—you always felt so safe in his arms and God, you’ve been homesick for quite some time. After a couple minutes of fervently making out, you grabbed at his hand and pulled him up with you—laughing at how the santa suit he was currently wearing practically swallowed his silhouette. 

“You’re such an adorable Santa Clause.” 

He playfully rolled his eyes at your comment as you led him to the back in order to get your things. Mark made sure you weren’t paying attention as he tapped on his leg to make sure the velvet box was still safely in his pocket. If you thought his early arrival home was already quite the surprise, he couldn’t wait to see the look on your face when he were to pop the question he’s been wanting to ask you from the beginning of your relationship. This Christmas was definitely going to be one for the books, and he couldn’t wait.

[rachelkaser]

Stay Golden Sunday: Family Affair

Dorothy’s son Michael and Rose’s daughter Bridget visit at the same time and get a little too close to each other. Blanche throws her back out.

Picture It...

Dorothy and Sophia are in the living room when Blanche comes hobbling in through the front door, hunched over. Her back gave out while she was in her aerobics class. The doorbell rings, and it’s Michael, Dorothy’s son. She and Sophia are happy to see him, but are not pleased that he’s not kept in touch. He’s currently unemployed after his last gig as a jazz musician ended over a disagreement with his boss, and Blanche offers to let him stay in her room for a few days. Rose arrives home with her daughter Bridget, who she introduces to everyone. Michael doesn’t hit it off with the college-bound Bridget.

BLANCHE: I would get up, but I’ve thrown my back totally out of whack. You see, what happened was-- MICHAEL: Oh you don’t have to explain. My mother already told me all about you.

Michael’s eating breakfast with his mother, who’s babying him against his will, and Sophia, who takes him out for lunch. Blanche, meanwhile, is upset that her doctor has told her she’s going to have to spend most of her time laying down, just not tin the way she’d prefer. In private, Dorothy confides that she’s worried about Michael. Rose comes in and gushes about the nice morning she had with Bridget, and says she’s going to miss Bridget when she leaves, as they’re very close. Dorothy says she used to be close with Michael, but they disagree over his life plans, as she wants him to find a stable job.

Blanche idly suggests that maybe Michael and Bridget should date. Rose and Dorothy immediately object, saying they don’t want to get involved in their kids’ personal lives. Later, Blanche bemoans how bad her back feels to Dorothy and Sophia, who are playing cards, saying she feels like she’s getting old. Dorothy and Sophia share their own experiences with their aging bodies, which Blanche is worried about having to experience “fifteen years from now.” When Dorothy asks where Michael is, Blanche reveals that she gave him and Bridget tickets to the symphony, annoying Dorothy who didn’t want Blanche to interfere.

DOROTHY: Being set up on a date is never fun. SOPHIA: In Sicily, everything is set up. Dates, marriage, death -- especially death. That’s why whenever I go into a restaurant, I sit with my back to the wall... except any diner in Newark, where if you’re against the wall you stick.

Later that night, Rose also finds out what Blanche did and is also annoyed, but Blanche protests it’s not a big deal and the kids came home hours ago. Rose goes to say goodnight to Bridget. Blanche tells Dorothy that she’s going stir-crazy, as it’s been days since she’s last been with a man. Dorothy at first makes fun of her, but gets progressively more disturbed at Blanche’s cabin fever and tells her to “get that look out of your eye and let go of my hand.” Rose suddenly cries out in horror and Dorothy and Blanche run out of the kitchen. They find her in Blanche’s room, where Bridget and Michael are in bed together.

Rose and Dorothy react with horror and disgust (Blanche doesn’t look particularly upset, though I’m sure her bed has seen worse). Sophia comes in and is equally unhappy with Michael, telling him she’s ashamed of him for embarrassing everyone. Bridget doesn’t help the situation by critiquing Michael’s performance (he apologizes for having too much wine), which shocks Rose. Blanche tells everyone they should let the kids get dressed and then talk about things like adults. In the living room, Rose and Dorothy get into a fight, as Rose accuses Michael of seducing Bridget and Dorothy calls Bridget a tramp. The fight ends with Rose storming off.

SOPHIA: Who are you, Mr. Spock? ROSE: I think you mean Dr. Spock, Sophia. SOPHIA: They’re both real smart and they’ve got big ears, so don’t get technical, okay?

The next morning, Dorothy and Rose are cold to Blanche for setting up their kids, and Sophia is in black, as Michael is dead to her. Blanche protests that she just wanted to do something nice and didn’t intend for them to hook up, and says these things do happen with young people (naturally having a story about how she herself once did the same thing). She tells them to at least talk to their kids about it. Rose and Dorothy apologize for taking their anger at their kids out on each other. Sophia, who’s trying to navigate with a black veil in front of her face, is less willing to forgive.

On the lanai, Dorothy confronts Michael and is not as measured as she’d like to be, calling him an “ungrateful brat” and asking why he would embarrass them like that. He apologizes and says he wasn’t thinking. Dorothy tells him that this is his problem, as he’s going through life without making plans and will need to grow up at some point. He apologizes and says he’s doing the best he can, and Dorothy tells him she loves him no matter what. Sophia comes out and Michael apologizes to her as well, and promises to keep in touch with her more often in the future. Sophia can finally remove her black veil.

BRIDGET: I want us to have an open, honest relationship. I want to be able to share my deepest, darkest secrets with you. ROSE: Couldn’t we just wear matching outfits?

In the kitchen, Bridget asks to talk to Rose. Rose wants to avoid the subject, but Bridget tells Rose she can’t always expect her to be perfect, as she’s bound to make mistakes, such as sleeping with Michael. Rose mistakenly thinks it was Bridget’s first time, and is even more deeply uncomfortable to learn that it wasn’t. Bridget says their relationship is going to have to change now that she’s an adult. Rose says she needs to get used to it, and the two share a hug.

Bridget prepares to leave to catch her flight. Coincidentally, Michael enters with packed luggage and says he’s found a new gig and is flying out to New Orleans. The Girls say goodbye to their kids, who both depart for the airport. After they go, Blanche enters all dressed up, ready for a date. The others protest that she should be in bed and listening to the doctor’s orders, but she protests she needs to get out of the house. Dorothy and Rose tell her she shouldn’t go, and Blanche and Sophia have one more exchange before leaving the house.

BLANCHE: Nonsense. Who knows my body better than I do? SOPHIA: Any man in Miami not attached to a woman or a respirator.

“I never passed out at the House of Fabrics. I passed out at the World of Wool.”

This is one of those episodes that I struggled on a rating for. I wanted to give it a three-slice rating because I hate giving two-slices, but honestly this is just one of those episodes that doesn’t click with me, and leaves me feeling confused. It’s not only boring and kind of inane, it doesn’t really make sense to me. Maybe this is the product of me not being a parent, or me not living in the mid-80s, but I’m not sure I really see what’s so dire about the central conflict, which apparently involves two young, attractive people sleeping together. And even when I give the Girls the benefit of the doubt, I’m not comfortable with the way this relatively minor conflict causes such an ugly fight between Rose and Dorothy.

Let’s start with this being the first appearance of Dorothy’s son, Michael, who will appear again in later episodes. He’s a jazz musician who’s bouncing from gig to gig, and recently left his latest one because he refused to wear a tie while performing. Now, maybe it’s just the fact that I’m still recovering from a COVID-19-related layoff, but I admit that does not leave me particularly sympathetic to Michael. I’m very close to Michael in age and I do relate to him saying he’s living his own life and doesn’t want his mother to treat him like a child, but at the same time, I can also see Dorothy’s side of things, wanting him to find a reliable job.

As for the big scandal of the episode, Michael and Bridget sleeping together, again, I think this is something that just doesn’t translate for me. Yes, it’s not a good time or place and it’s a bit tasteless to hook up in a house you’re sharing with your parent/grandparent. They probably shouldn’t have done it, but the language the Girls use in the aftermath: “I’m SHOCKED at your behavior... you’ve broken my heart... I’m ashamed to call you my grandson... where did I go wrong with you?” I just can’t even begin to see why what they did was so wrong.

I’m with Blanche: These things do happen. They may blame Blanche for it, but frankly, if they still felt like hooking up after listening to a Mancini Tribute to The Pink Panther, then I don’t think it would have taken much to push them in that direction. Again, I agree that this is not the right time or place for a hook-up, but it’s not quite the horrible betrayal that the other Girls seem to think it is, or why it leads Dorothy into a near-meltdown, thinking she’s failed as a parent somehow.

DOROTHY: *finding Sophia pinching from Rose’s food* Ma, what do you think you’re doing? SOPHIA: It’s a funny little habit I picked up. I call it “eating.” [...] ROSE: Wait a minute, where are the little wooden shoes I carved out of cheese? DOROTHY: My mother spread them on the tiny windmill you built out of Triscuits.

Actually, I think Blanche’s B-plot is the only somewhat enjoyable part of the episode, and it’s the only part of it I enjoyed watching. Blanche being confined indoors and getting progressively more sexually frustrated is funny because it implies that she can’t even last five or six days without sex without losing her goddamned mind. Rue McClanahan somehow manages to balancing being kind of cranky and irritable and the voice of reason in the A-plot. Given that she can’t herself go out and hook up, it sort of makes sense that she’d try to help the two kids along, though I do reiterate I think they would have hooked up regardless.

I also enjoy how much Dorothy doesn’t mind messing with Blanche in this episode, including telling her she’s marking Blanche’s abstinence down on her “Big Ships of the Navy” calendar. Blanche also gets the mid-episode monologue about being caught having sex while in finishing school. I think the line about how she waved politely over her boyfriend’s shoulder “with my foot,” is one of the more racy lines they managed to get past the prudes at the broadcasting department, so good for them.

BLANCHE: Oh girls, for the first time in my life, my body feels old. I feel like I can’t do the same things I used to. SOPHIA: Rubber Woman couldn’t do the same things you used to.

Sophia’s in a bigger part of this episode than you would think, considering she doesn’t play a huge role in either of the plots, but this episode, I think, marks a point where the writers are getting really good at working Sophia into each episode with a series of zingers and brief anecdotes. Most of them this time are at the expense of Blanche, which is always funny because Blanche never takes offense at any of Sophia’s jokes -- if anything, she seems to enjoy them. Sophia wearing a black veil over her face for no particular reason is also pretty funny. These are really the only things about this episode I enjoy.

I feel bad that the two episodes thus far that feature Rose’s children are getting low ratings from me, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence. For all that Blanche is critical of her own parenting and Dorothy’s relationships with both of her kids will be the subject of multiple future episodes, Rose’s relationships with those of her kids that we see is unhealthy in a way that the show doesn’t really acknowledge. Sure Blanche was a very distant and uninvolved parent, and Dorothy needs to learn to let her kids make their own choices, but Rose’s relationship with her kids almost seems to be based in a fantasy world of lies and willful ignorance.

BLANCHE: My back gave out. SOPHIA: I figured that would have been about the third thing to go. DOROTHY: Honey, what happened? BLANCHE: I was in my aerobics class when I noticed this gorgeous man checking me out. So during the buttocks lifts, he motioned for my phone number. Well, I didn’t want to appear easy, so I rolled over on my back and flung my legs over my head. SOPHIA: That’s what I call giving him the brush-off.

Just to recap, we already know she lied to her children for years, spinning an elaborate fiction that their father was a wealthy and successful businessman, and was willing to take that lie to the grave with her despite the damage it was obviously causing until it got to the point where she couldn’t look her granddaughter in the eye. Now we find out that she’s holding onto the idea that her daughter -- and the ages of the characters are nebulous, but I’m going to assume that Bridget is at least in her mid-20s -- is a virginal innocent who was “seduced” by Michael.

And Rose is willing to defend that delusion to the point that she starts slinging insults at Michael and being downright awful to Dorothy, then claims that Dorothy is “vicious” and “cruel” for hitting back just as hard, before finally storming out and slamming her bedroom door. I’m sorry, but this is not a healthy response to anything that happens in this episode. I know that the episode wants me to see Dorothy as equally culpable, because she calls Bridget a tramp for sleeping with Michael despite knowing him for one day -- and don’t get me wrong, Dorothy slut-shaming Bridget despite her behaving the exact same way as Michael is not something I approve of or like, either -- but frankly, Rose is the one who starts it.

BLANCHE: Maybe what Michael needs is a little exposure. ROSE: Exposure to what? DOROTHY: To plutonium, Rose.

It’s hard to make a valid judgement because Rose and Bridget’s relationship happens mostly in the background of the episode. Bridget appears in the opening scene, and then again when she’s in bed with Michael. Most of the episode is about Michael and Dorothy’s relationship. But I think the line that really cements it for me is when Rose says she wanted Bridget’s “first time” to be special, and Bridget tells her mother she lost her virginity four years ago, and Rose just responds, “Oh, I really don’t want to talk about this.” Rose being so out of touch and even calling her daughter behaving like a normal, young woman as like her being “a whole new person” is just not healthy, and it concerns me.

This is one of the episodes where the continuity problems are much more noticeable than usual. We know that Dorothy gave birth to a child when she was 17, and she is now roughly 55-60 years old, so at least one of her children should be pushing 40. Kate didn’t look anywhere close to that, and Michael is stated in this episode to be 29 years old. I can buy that Rose would have a daughter who may be studying in graduate school, but Dorothy not so much. Still, this won’t be as much of a continuity snarl as it will be in later episodes.

Episode rating: 🍰🍰 (two cheesecake slices out of five)

Favorite part of the episode:

Sophia spending part of the episode in mourning garb, with hilarious results:

[merskrat]

I’m literally living in such a state of anticipation just waiting to see what is going to come of this situation with my dad. He asked me to reach out to my brother, who is 16, and made it sound like everyone in the family has ignored him and that’s the reason he doesn’t want to visit us anymore. That didn’t really ring true to me, because I know that once my grandmother had to physically take his tablet away from him and force him to come out of his room just to get him to interact with the family just the smallest amount. I talked to my cousin, who I would trust with my life, about it and what he said basically boiled down to “I have been trying to befriend him for literal years, but he is so rude and so uninterested in doing anything other than playing games on his tablet that I gave up a long time ago.” I guess once my grandfather asked him if he wanted to help him feed the birds and my brother was like “why would I want to do that?” I emailed my dad because I didn’t want to get emotional about this over the phone, and told him about how blatantly disrespectful my brother is to all of us and how confused I was that he had been raised so differently than me—allowed to completely isolate himself by staring at a screen all day when I wasn’t even allowed to have a gameboy and was allowed about three hours of computer time a week. My brother has never been made to leave his (very narrow) comfort zone like I was. I performed musically, took sailing lessons, horseback riding lessons, etc. I was not given the option to back out of these activities even if I had wanted to, and I am a better person for not being allowed to isolate myself in my room reading books.

This made me delve into my stepmother and her emotional abuse, how I feel that she has turned my brother against our family because that is what she tried to do with me when I was a kid. I remember finally getting really upset about what she was saying about my grandparents and her response was that she “should have known I wasn’t mature enough for adult conversations.” A LOT of repressed memories are coming to the surface. How she said that my sister was going to be a trophy wife when she grew up...she was five. How she got so angry when I threw up during Sunday school once, even though it was in the bathroom, and I cleaned it up and went back to she wouldn’t miss the service. How when I asked her, in tears, for help with my OCD and she called me a hypochondriac and a liar and told me to go to my room. I guess the reason she “knew” I was lying is because once I complained about chest pain and when a doctor listened to my heart and said nothing was wrong they just...never followed up. Now I recognize that I was having chest pain from anxiety. I told my dad about how my basic needs were not being met when he was away during the week working. My stepmother never gave me lunch money, and if she did it was never more than a dollar left on the table, and I wasn’t allowed to wake her up in the morning under any circumstances. My friends had to buy me food and generally took turns getting me lunch, until the principal caught on and asked me if everything was ok at home. I lied to cover for her because I knew that I would be in trouble if the school called. She adopted me when I was ten, but would only be in my life for three more years after that. Everything was fine between us the summer after eighth grade and I happily went to the island to stay with my grandparents for the summer and to see my friends. My dad went back up for the weekend like he always did, and found that my stepmom had taken her car, the cats, all of her stuff, and my infant brother half way across the country to Minnesota. So he went, trying to save his marriage, and I stayed, honestly happy to be left behind and not having to be the new kid two years in a row. She completely cut off contact with me.

I also told my dad about the blog post I found later that year, written by her and read by many people in the community in which I lived, about how difficult it was for her to have a mentally ill daughter. I find it really interesting that my brother is so mentally ill that he can barely function, but she has not taken to the Internet to make his mental illnesses known to his community and to try to garner sympathy. I asked him to please imagine for a second how that made me feel to find that and read it.

It seemed incredibly obvious to everyone in our family that once she had her own biological child that she didn’t feel the need to continue to have a relationship with the adopted one, and even maybe that she manipulated the situation to make sure that it would just be the three of them from that point on. My brother was only a year old when she took off, and she left less than a week after I went to the island. As a child I didn’t want to say this out loud to anyone. I didn’t want to risk sounding jealous, insecure, immature, etc. But as an adult I don’t mind saying it, because that’s what happened. It honestly just shows how truly manipulated my thoughts were, to the point that I didn’t even want to acknowledge the reality of the situation, for fear of it being spun to make *me* look bad/more mentally ill.

He has said that both of them are waiting for me to make the first move in reestablishing a relationship. He said that my brother doesn’t want to switch rooms in their house because of the mural I painted on his wall. I reminded him that she has always been the one who established whether or not a relationship existed. At the end of what basically ended up being a manifesto of all of the ways she had torn our family apart, I said that I might be willing to reestablish contact with her if she started to take accountability and go to therapy. I also said that I would try to reach out to my brother but that it might be difficult for us to have a connection because he is almost an adult, is set in his habits, and if I’m right, she has been filling his head with awful things about our family like she did with me when I was a child, the only difference being that he has been under her influence for much longer and that she actually was able to isolate him from us, and use emotional incest to manipulate him into believing whatever she wanted him to believe (I did not use that term in the email to my dad because I know it would immediately make him, or anyone really, defensive because of how disgusting it sounds.)

My dad couldn’t email me back from his tablet but texted me what basically amounted to “I’m sorry I haven’t been a better parent. You have given me a lot to think about.” I have never felt so awful and so validated at the same time. He probably went back to their house from the island (where he works) last night, and I’m just wondering what is going to happen, if she is going to manage to manipulate her way out of any responsibility once again. My grandmother warned me not to criticize my brother if I cared about my relationship with my dad. I really felt all of this needed to be said though. My dad is away from his son during the week, so god only knows what she says and does during all that time that he is away. When he used to bring my brother to the island, he would bring him during the week and go to work, so he has no idea of how my brother interacts/doesn’t interact with us. I don’t know, I don’t know how she could spin any of this to make herself look good.

I told him, “I want you to be happy,” and he responded “I’m happy that you’re doing so well.” Idk, that kind of just broke my heart because it sounds like he just feels that happiness is off the table for him at this point. Every time we talk he’s like “I wanted to go do x but your mother and brother don’t want to, so we’re not.” And it just makes me sad af because I remember how much fun we used to have going to Maine, the Renaissance fair, tours of caverns, the beach, etc, and his wife and child would rather stare at a screen than go do something fun with him. Like we didn’t have a ton of money growing up and I’m sure they still don’t, but what money my dad did make he spent on experiences for us as a family.

So yeah...just waiting to see what’s gonna happen now.

[dariusfrasier]

Facing Mom ~ Macy, Mike, JJ

Darius: I knew Macy wasn’t looking forward to this afternoon. Who knows how long it had been since she had seen her mother? I think they talked on the phone once and a while, but that was all I knew. I vaguely remembered the photos of her from the yearbooks. This would be the first time meeting her in person. Did she even know about me? I honestly doubted it. At least Mike would be there. Macy adored her father. They had gotten so close since we finally found him. That was the one saving grace for this visit for her. Getting to see him. I tucked my wallet in my back pocket and grabbed my keys before walking back over to the room we now shared. “Catwoman, you ready to go?”

—————

Macy: I was sitting on the edge of our bed. All I had left to do was slip my shoes on. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. As bad as I wanted to see my dad, I really wasn’t looking forward to seeing my mom. I only agreed to this because of my dad. I wasn’t sure why she went to him, but I figured it was probably best to rip the band-aid off and get it over with. The crazy thing is, I used to wish my mom would make things right between us. I wished that we could start over and fix our relationship, but it never happened. I looked up as Darius walked into the room, “Catwoman, you ready to go?” I couldn’t help but smile at his nickname for me. At least I would have him and my dad by my side. I wasn’t doing this alone. I nodded my head as I slipped my shoes on, “Yeah, ready as I’ll ever be I guess.”

-------------------

Darius: Her smile was brief but better than nothing. I offered my hand and helped her up. Once she was on her feet, I took her in my arms and kissed her. Tenderly but firmly. “We leave whenever you’re ready. I promise,” I whispered against her cheek before walking out to the car with her. She took such a deep breath before getting in. I made sure she was buckled in before going around and getting in myself. “It’ll be good to see your Dad again.” I started the car and took her hand in mine as I drove us over to Mike’s place.

——————-

Macy: I smiled and nodded, “Yeah, it will be great seeing Dad. But it’s not him that I’m worried about. It’s her. Her and what she’s going to say. Her and how she’s going to treat you.” I sighed as I looked out the window, I didn’t want my Mom’s words or actions to push Darius away. I was terrified that she was going to do just that. Just so she could punish me.

-------------------

Mike: It had been too long since I’d seen Macy. We tried to talk on the phone regularly or at least text, but neither of those was as good as seeing her in person. I put some crackers and cheese on the platter with the sliced vegetables and fruit. I figured if everyone had something to focus on, something to keep their hands busy, it might be a little less tense. JJ was still in the guest room getting ready, or so she said. The closer it got to the time Macy and Darius would be here, the more I wondered if she would ever emerge. Sighing softly, I carried the platter, napkins, and some dip out to the coffee table. I had just set everything down when I heard a car pull into the driveway. “JJ, they’re here,” I called out before going to open the door. I might have been a little anxious to hug my daughter.

—————-

JJ: I heard the car pull in and sighed. I hadn’t moved in the last 30 minutes. I had sat down to take a few deep breaths and lost myself in thought. And they weren’t good thoughts. I just kept remembering all the times Macy needed me, and I had let her down. Over and over and over again. How were we ever going to move forward? A part of me knew she was going to expect the worst and it stung that that was all she knew from me. I could hear them outside laughing and happy. Macy’s laugh was so clear and honest. A few tears slipped out. I hadn’t heard that laugh since she was three. I stood and wiped my face when I heard them heading inside. I fixed my make-up and smoothed my t-shirt before heading to the living room.

———————-

Darius: Seeing her dad lit her eyes up once more. I stood aside while they hugged. I was so glad that we’d been able to find him. She deserved to know how much he loved her and know that he never would have rejected her as she feared. The next thing I knew, Mike was hugging me as well. “Hi, Mike. Good to see you again.” Macy took my arm laughing as we headed inside. We took a seat, side by side, on the couch. I think Macy would have sat in my lap if she could have. It wasn’t her Dad that made her feel that way as her eyes scanned the room. “Can I get you two something to drink?” We were about to answer him when Macy froze. I followed her gaze and saw a woman enter the room. It had to be her mother. I laid my hand on Macy’s knee possessively.

————————-

Macy: I couldn’t breathe. She really was here. I wasn’t sure what to say if I even wanted to say anything. So many times I had thought about this moment, about telling her exactly how I felt and how she made me feel. Letting loose on what they put me through all my life and how they treated me. The moment was here. And I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t say anything. If it wasn’t for Darius’ hand on my knee, I would bolt from the room before I had to hear her voice.

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Mike: I saw Darius’ hold on Macy before I realized JJ had walked in. I cleared my throat to try to get Macy to look at me. “Sweetheart? Macy? Can I get you a Coke?” Darius seemed to whisper something to her. She looked at me briefly, but her eyes went right back to JJ. “Coke would be great for us, Mike. Thanks,” Darius finally said as he moved his arm from her knee to around her waist, pulling her slightly closer to him. I gave him a brief smile. “Of course.” Then I turned to JJ. “Would you like something to drink?” I held her gaze trying to see her emotions on her face. The next few moments would either be simply tense….or explosive.

--------------

JJ: I looked at Mike and nodded, “Something to drink would be great. Thank you.” I moved to sit down, deciding taking the chair across the room from Macy and her.., I eyed how he was with her, boyfriend. Then I remembered what Mike said. Right, Darius. I cleared my throat, stalling to try to figure out where to start. “Macy, it’s so good to see you. You look...so happy. I’m so glad you’ve settled in and found a life here. You don’t know how proud I am of you.”

---------

Macy: I snorted, “Proud of me? What gives you the right to be proud of anything when it comes to me? You lied to me about my dad. You were never there growing up, not even when I needed you most. I was always alone. I just don’t understand if you hated me so much, why didn’t you just let Dad raise me? Why keep me and make yourself miserable?” My voice was soft, but you could hear the hurt. I was doing my best not to yell and scream, neither Dad nor Darius deserved to be put through that. But I had questions, I needed answers. She owed me that much.

------------------

Mike: I had stepped out of the room for only a few minutes to get our drinks. When I returned, the tension in the room nearly choked me. Darius was focused only on Macy. His arm snug around her waist as he held her hand and rubbed his thumb along it over and over. I tried not to cough as I set the drinks down. JJ’s hand shook as I handed her a glass. I let my hand linger on hers a moment so she knew I was there. Then I slowly moved to sit between JJ and the couch. 

—————-

Darius: It was hard to hear Macy say the things she’d kept bottled up inside for so long. I would never deny her right to say them. I tried to keep the physical connection between us strong so she knew I was supporting her even if I never said a word. Poor Mike walked into the aftermath and looked like he was about to choke. I let go of Macy’s hand and reached for her Coke. I hoped the ice cold sweet drink would help her focus and stay present. I worried I might lose her to the past if I didn’t do something.

—————

JJ: I dropped my head, I knew she didn’t understand. But still, she had every right to be upset and hurt. I looked over at Mike and sighed. There was a lot that neither of them knew, but before it was over with, they would both know. I just wasn’t sure if the damage would start to be repaired or if it would cause more. “Macy, I know there’s a lot you don’t understand and there is a lot I have to answer for. And, please believe me when I say this, I promise I will tell you anything and everything you want to know. Just please, please give me a chance.”

----------------

Macy: Give her a chance? Give her a chance? I looked at this woman who was supposed to be my mother, the one person I should have been able to count on. She wanted me to give her a chance, but had she even given me a chance as her child? I looked over at my dad. Did she even give him a chance? A chance to be the man who could have made her happy and loved her the way she should have been loved? A chance to be the amazing father he was from the very start of my life instead of years later? The anger started to boil up again as I looked back at her. I squeezed Darius’ hand and took a sip of the drink he had handed me. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, “I’m listening.”

-----------------

Mike: “Macy, I know you’re hurting, honey. I do. I’d like to hear what JJ has to say. It doesn’t mean we have to agree with any of it or that it will solve everything, but the more information we have the better, right?” She finally looked away from her mother and...saw me. A quick nod and forced half-smile were all the response I was going to get, but at least she knew I was acknowledging her feelings. That I heard her. Isn’t that what all of us want? To be heard. “Go ahead, JJ.”

——————-

JJ: I glanced at Mike and smiled a little before looking back at Macy. I took a deep breath, “I’m not sure how much you remember from when you were a child, but your grandparents, my parents, were very strict with me. It took everything to convince them to let me leave for college. But even though I was no longer living at home, I was still expected to check in, to follow their rules. I had my own life though, I didn’t want to live the life they had planned for me, I wanted my own life. Friends, school,” I looked over at Mike, “love.” I took a deep breath and continued looking down at my hands, “When I found out I was pregnant with you, I got scared. Your dad didn’t know the real me and I didn’t have a job. I didn’t know what else to do so I ran home. Your grandparents were furious to say the least. What I had done, was so shameful in their eyes they wouldn’t look at me. As you grew bigger and my belly grew, their anger faded a little. I had hoped that meant that they had forgiven me.” I was trying not to cry, but I knew before I finished this story, the tears would flow.

“One day I came home from work, you were about 2. You were waiting at the door like clockwork. I walked in and scooped you up.” I couldn’t help but smile as I relived the memory. “I was carrying you into the kitchen because we were going to have our afternoon snack and watch some show that you were obsessed with. When I reached the kitchen, your grandparents were sitting there with Jay. They introduced us and I set about making your snack. When I was done, your grandmother scooped you and the snack up, taking you to the living room. My father asked me to sit down. I won’t rehash the whole conversation or argument, but the point of it was my parents had arranged a marriage for me. Jay was now my fiancé, or supposed to be. I yelled and even cried. But my father heard none of it. He and my mother had made up their minds. Jay had been silent throughout most of this, and when it was finally quiet for a few moments, he asked my father to speak with me alone. He promised that he wasn’t going to rush anything, and we could be engaged as long as it took. He understood how much of a blindside it was, but he was willing to take things slow. To give me a chance to get to know him. He was so sweet and caring, but I knew that I could never love him, not really.” I looked from Mike to Macy and back again, I wasn’t sure how either was going to react to the rest of this story and it scared me. I was afraid I was going to end up on the losing end of this.

-------------------

Macy: I sat there listening to her talk. I wanted to be open minded and let her tell her side of the story, but it was hard. I didn’t remember much from when I was little, not that I haven’t tried. I used to lay awake and try to remember a time that my mother loved me and treated me with kindness and love, but I couldn’t. I don’t remember us laughing, hugging, nothing. I didn’t remember a single thing about it. So I sat there, quiet as could be while she told her story.

-------------------

Darius: My heart broke as I listened to Macy’s mother. Not just for Macy. When JJ talked about love, I saw Mike shift uncomfortably in his chair. I had a feeling he was doing his best to be strong for both of these women. I also had the feeling that there was more to come and it might be even worse. I didn’t think Jay was the stepfather that Macy talked about but I honestly couldn’t remember. As her mother spoke, Macy tucked herself tighter against my side. It was almost as if she was literally protecting her back by flattening it against me and the couch. It was her heart I was more worried about. I just hoped that I wasn’t going to end up having to cradle a broken Macy in my arms when all of this was out in the open.

—————-

JJ: I took a deep breath and let it out, “Jay and I spent a lot of time together, and I started warming up to him. You, on the other hand, couldn’t be bothered with him. You didn’t hate him, but you didn’t miss him when he wasn’t around. I should have taken a hint from you, but I didn’t. I took a chance and let my guard down. About 3 months later, he was gone, and I was pregnant. Again.” I couldn’t look at anyone. I just stared down at my hands.

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Macy: I gasped in shock. She was pregnant again? I sat up, almost spilling my drink in my hand, “Wait a minute...are you saying that you…you…” I couldn’t even say the word. She quickly shook her head, “No, I didn’t have an abortion.” My vision blurred. She didn’t have an abortion, but that would mean…”I’m not an only child.” The words were barely above a whisper, but I knew she could hear me. She shook her head, but didn’t say anything.

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Mike: Time seemed to freeze when I heard Macy whisper something. I couldn’t make it out. I think I was still in shock from JJ’s...confession. She had another child? What do you say to something like that? I saw JJ shake her head. Saw the tears fall on her lap as she stared at her hands. There was something more. Her grief must mean something more. Could the second child have died? As much as I wanted to go to my daughter and hold her, I couldn’t ignore JJ. Darius had Macy for now. JJ was alone. Separate from all of us. I got up and found some tissues. Then I moved to JJ’s side and placed them in her hand. Quietly, “What happened, JJ? What did your parents say...or do?”

—————

Darius: I quickly grabbed the glass from her hand when it started to spill. Grabbing a napkin from the table to wipe her leg off. Then “I’m not an only child.” I froze briefly. I don’t think I had ever felt Macy get so rigid before. I felt like my arm was around a steel post. Another baby? Macy had a sibling? Shit. 

———————-

JJ: I took the tissues from Mike and dried my eyes. I still couldn’t look at him or Macy. I wanted too, so bad, but I knew if I did, I wouldn’t finish the story. I couldn’t do that. They had a right to know...Macy had a right to know. “I told my parents. They were furious again, more at Jay than me, but nonetheless they weren’t happy with me. We were back to square one, or rather two. The fights were never ending. Or so I thought. One night, I came home from work and Macy was already in bed. I thought it was weird, but didn’t say anything. I had been on my feet for 9 hrs and I was very pregnant. I was exhausted. My parents were in the living room waiting for me. My dad said his piece, blaming me for being gullible and too trusting. Not only had I disappointed him, again, but once again they had the shame of their unmarried daughter who already had one child pregnant again. And with no husband. Again. He shook his head and walked out of the room.” 

I wiped my eyes, “My mother wouldn’t even look at me for the first two minutes. But eventually she told me I had a choice to make. Either I could give the baby up, which would mean Macy and I would be able to stay, or I could keep the baby, which would mean Macy, the baby, and I would be homeless with nowhere to go. They were ready to have the whole...family...turn their backs on me. I didn’t know what to do. I cried for days. I didn’t want to give up my child, but then I looked at Macy sleeping on my bed and knew I would end up losing them both if I didn’t do something. Macy was so excited to be a big sister, I couldn’t give up. 

I found Jay, I tried to convince him to help me. But he only kicked me out of his house. It turned out he wasn’t the man my parents thought. He already had a fiancée and two kids. He didn’t want a third. I tried everything I could to figure things out, but nothing worked. I went into labor 3 weeks early. The doctors think it was the stress of everything. I got to hold her once before my parents handed her to the family they lined up. I never saw her again.” I dropped my head into my hands, but I knew I couldn’t stop. 

“Thomas came into my life a few years later. Another arranged marriage. By this time I was exhausted and I had given up. At first, he treated Macy and I great, I didn’t fight this time. I just agreed. For the first 3 years we were happy. But he changed. Something went wrong during my second pregnancy and I couldn’t get pregnant again. The more time that went by and I didn’t turn up pregnant, the more he resented Macy. The more I stood up for her, the meaner he was. I was stuck. So, I started distancing myself from Macy, I thought it would make him leave her alone.”

“By the time she was 10, she didn’t remember anything from those first few years of her life. All she knew was how Thomas and I were. But I couldn’t fix it, I couldn’t tell her the truth. Not while she was living with us. He ordered me not to tell her about her dad. If I did, he was going to leave me and make sure I lost Macy, too. So when she started asking questions about her real father, she had heard a fight between Thomas and I, I had to lie to her.” I looked up at Mike, “I know it wasn’t fair to you, but I didn’t have a choice. I had to protect her. I had to make her believe the worst of you so she wouldn’t want to look for you. I was worried what he would do to her...and to you.”

----------------------------

Mike: I couldn’t breathe. Her story was…. I could never have imagined that JJ and Macy had endured all that. I didn’t know whether to feel sad or angry or confused. My stomach was in knots. I was fighting not to let my hands clench up into fists. What good would it do? I couldn’t look at Macy or JJ or even Darius. Through clenched teeth, I managed an “Excuse me” before getting up and heading out the back door. I needed air. Maybe then I could begin to wrap my head around everything.

———————

JJ: When I heard the back door close, I jumped. It’s not like he slammed the door, the exact opposite actually. He shut the door so quietly, but in the silence he couldn’t have slammed it any louder. I wanted to look at Macy, but I was scared. She had been so quiet, except for asking if she was an only child. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths before looking at Macy. “Will...will you please say something?”

------------

Macy: I wanted to run after my dad, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right move. When she spoke, I didn’t want to hear her voice. I looked at her sharply, “Say something? What do you want me to say, Mom?” I knew I put sarcasm on Mom, but I couldn’t help it. I was feeling so many emotions at once. “Am I supposed to be happy that I finally know the truth? You just told me I have a sibling somewhere out there, one that I wouldn’t even have known about if you hadn’t had a sudden change of heart.” 

-------------

Darius: I tried not to flinch at Macy’s tone of voice. She had every right to be upset. I was worried about Mike, but my primary focus had to be her. I slowly rubbed her back and hoped that we had already been through the worst news today. I glanced over at her mother. What must be going through her mind right now? I didn’t necessarily agree with everything she did, but I hadn’t been in her shoes. 

—————

Mike: As I stood on the back porch, I pulled out my cell phone and opened my photos. I felt my anger recede as I looked at photos of Macy, Darius, Ava, Rick and Brandee taken over the holidays. These were the people I loved. My family. JJ was the mother of my daughter. That meant she was family, too. I slipped my phone back in my pocket and took a deep cleansing breath. Everything JJ told us had already happened. I couldn’t change it. All any of us could do was move forward. With one more deep cleansing breath, I rolled my shoulders and headed back inside to my family. 

—————

JJ: “You have every right to be mad. And I don’t blame you one bit. I can only say that I’m sorry for everything that we put you through. Everything that I put you through, that I let him put you through, that’s all on me. I should have stopped it, but I didn’t. I was scared of what he would do. I know saying I’m sorry won’t fix anything. But I’m hoping you’ll give me the chance to prove to you that I am sorry. I will do anything, Macy, anything to prove to you that I love you and that I am sorry.”

------------

Macy: I couldn’t stop the tears that started flowing. For so long I had wanted to hear my mother say she loved me and that she cared. Now, I was finally hearing it and I couldn’t even process what was being said. I tried my hardest, but I couldn't stop the tears, not even if I tried.

--------------

Mike: I heard everything as I walked back in. I wanted to go to Macy. To hold her and dry her tears. I watched instead as Darius took her in his arms and held her on his lap as she cried. I grabbed a box of tissues and set them on the table in front of him. He nodded to me and whispered his thanks while he comforted Macy. I moved towards JJ and my chair. Perching on the edge of my seat, I reached over and took JJ’s hand in mine. Squeezing it gently, then rubbing her knuckles with my thumb.

——————

Darius: I held Macy and rocked her gently in my arms whispering how much I loved her. These tears had been building up for so long. Never even shed when we were alone. Maybe not even when she was alone. I didn’t want to just carry her out to the car until I was sure she wanted to leave. Maybe her mother needed to see this. Needed to see how deep her pain went. Tears could be cleansing, right? Washing away pain and grief and sorrow? I hoped so. These two women seemed to be carrying so much pain between them. I wondered where they would go from here.

————

Macy: When I could talk through the tears, I looked up at Darius, “Please get me out of here. I...I can’t sit here any longer. Please just take me home.”

-----------

JJ: Macy’s words stung, but I understood them. I didn’t blame her for not wanting to talk to me anymore, and I knew she needed time and space to think everything over. I squeezed Mike’s hand before speaking, “I understand if you don’t want to be around me or need time to process everything. But Macy, I need you to know, I’m not going anywhere and whenever you get ready to talk, I’ll be here. I promise I’m not going to let you down this time.”

----------------

Darius: “You got it, Catwoman,” I whispered as I slowly stood with her still cradled against my chest. “I think we all need some...time to process tonight. I’m going to take Macy home. We’ll try to be in touch...in a day or two.” I nodded to Mike. “I’ll text when we get home safely as usual.” Mike thanked me and picked up Macy’s bag, handing it to her before kissing her forehead. “Love you, Sweetheart,” he whispered before holding the door open for me. I nodded politely to JJ and got my girlfriend to the car and on our way home as fast as I could.

@MsMacyEdwards, @ReturningMike, @JazJoy

[jaqfms]

there's     jacques    ‘jaq’    daingerfield   !     though     on    their     socials     they     go     by     @thedangerousq     .     i     heard     he     is     originally     from     paris     ,     france     ,     but     made     the     big     move     to     los     angeles     to     join     TWENTIES     .     you     haven't     heard     about     it     ?   well     ,     apparently     their     dream     is     to     design     his     own     video     game   ,     but     they     have     no     chance   unless     they     quit     being     so     cocky     &     lazy     .     that     said     ,     those     behind     the     scenes     have     said     they     can     be     witty     &     charismatic     too.     guess     we'll     have     to     watch     and     find     out     !     ━     &    laughing     until     you     cry     ,          a     cartoon     theme     song     paired     with     a     hip     hop     beat     ,     a     juul     behind     your     ear     ,     vines     quoted     in     a     thick     french     accent     .    (     timothee     chalamet     ,     cis male     ,     he/him     )   (     pepper    ,     she/her + they/them     ,     est     ,     twenty four     )

ABOUT THE MUN.  are ya in a relationship? you think i can convince someone to do that?

hello, it’s me again. i tired myself out with haisley’s so jaq’s if going to be considerably shorter. let’s go. 

BIO.  aaaahhhhhhhhhh shhiiittttt *begins understanding things*

jacques daingerfield was born in france to two very average parents. like his mother was a teacher and his father was a financial analyst. nothing wild or crazy going on there, and to top it off he was the middle child, and well, you can tell. 

he has four siblings. he was the third kid, and well, he spent most of his childhood fighting for any kind of attention, usually by making inappropriate little jokes or you know, fart noises. yes his parents were generally exasperated with him, but that behavior made sure they paid attention to him. and honestly that was all jacques wanted. 

again, jacques had a pretty average upbringing. he went to school, he was actually pretty popular among his peers despite being so annoying (definitely very unpopular amongst his teachers for generally that class clown that sat in the back and always interrupted), and he excelled academically without really trying too much. well, in every subject but english funnily enough. jaq always struggled in english, which is why it was incredibly ironic that when his parents separated they decided to move to uk with his father. jacques was ten at the time, and he still doesn’t understand the decision.

so yes, jacques was the kid in class with the weird name and weirder accent who could barely communicate with his classmates. it didn’t take long for them to stop really trying to pronounce ‘jacques’ properly. jacques became jack without much input on his part, and by the time jacques had got enough of a handle on the english language to correct them the americanized name had already stuck. even at nine jacques was smart enough to know that insisting on the correct french pronunciation of his name just kind of made him sound like a pretentious french asshole, so instead he spun it. he embraced it. started signing all of his papers and assignments with ‘jaq’ with a q like it was his brand or something. even as a child jaq will give himself credit for being clever af. 

it actually worked pretty well honestly. the older jaq got the more he grew into himself, and the more comfortable he got with the english language. honestly a lot of how jaq learned english was through video games and youtube videos and cartoons, like those were some of his go to resources. spent a lot of time playing games with strangers and tested his english out with colourful trash talk. actually started his first ever youtube channel was basically that as just a way to practice his english a bit. all he did on there was play video games, and honesty he didn’t even show his face. the channel wasn’t that popular, but he had fun making it. 

jaq on the other hand had gained popularity by the time he was in middle school. granted, that popularity was mostly due to the fact that he had a popular older brother and sister, was french and therefore ‘cute’ (jaq didn’t pretend to understand how girls brains worked then, and he still doesn’t now) and his family always had the newest gaming system at their household, and even then it wasn’t wild popularity. but it was enough that barely anyone teased him for his thick french accent anymore, and yk what jaq would take it. he weirdly got even more popular with the guys in his grade when they found out about his youtube channel. they found it funny, and they would generally watch his videos and come tell him about their favourite parts later, ask him about how he got past a certain level or learned a certain cheat. jaq soaked up their admiration like a sponge, right into his ego. they were the beginning of jaq getting the big head he proudly sports today. 

that said for most second form jaq’s youtube channel was just a hobby. something he did for fun. like i said earlier, jaq actually did really well in school and his parents always expected him to follow in his father’s footsteps and go into something in business. after all, it would be an easy transition with both french and english under his belt. they knew he would excel. 

but then he met madi. and somehow the two started doing videos together for fun, and it quickly expanded into something a lot bigger. something that jaq wouldn’t have even dreamed of doing before. suddenly the picture perfect future he had planned for himself just seemed boring in comparison to what he and madi had going on, and so jaq easily picked that instead. his parents weren’t all that happy about it, of course, after all jaq had full scholarships to some schools just waiting for him to accept and he ignored all of them in favour of making videos of him playing games online. they still don’t understand, but jaq doesn’t really need them too. he’s happy with what he’s doing and he figures he can always go into business when he’s old and boring. 

he moved out of his parents house straight into an apartment with madi when things between them started getting really tough. they can’t really speak without the whole ‘we’re so disappointed in you’ conversation coming up so jaq doesn’t really speak to them unless he has to. both of his older siblings went into business like their parents wanted, and his younger siblings are on the same path. his little sister wants to be just like him though, and that warms his heart tbh. 

has come to TWENTIES to have a good time! wants to break into the acting industry like dylan o’brien and maybe show his parents that a ‘real’ career can come from something like this. his parents begged him not to come on this show and embarrass them so that is definitely what he’s about to do. 

HEADCANNONS. there are a lot of people who need to shut up.  not me though 

thinks he’s funny! sometimes he is

will answer to jacques, jaq, jaqi, or q! you can call him daingerfield if you want but not many people do

fun fact, made his instagram handle as a joke, much like awkwafina. was just supposed to a little dig about how many times he has to say ‘jack with a q’ whenever someone spells his name. but now the dangerous q is his brand, and just finds it really dumb and funny. 

a bit of a kleptomaniac. will swipe something he thinks is cool mostly just to do it. has very little impulse control. loves to pull pranks and generally make trouble, but not in a way that will ever actually hurt anybody because he’s not a whole idiot. not the biggest fan of cops. 

is an artist. will spray paint your walls and probably has spray painted the walls of his apartment. will doodle weird things all over napkins or receipts or whatever he can get his hands on. has drawn out little video game characters he wants to be in his future games, and actually is considering going to school for a video game programming degree just for that. the funny thing is with his grades he could probably do it. is teaching himself coding in the mean time. 

 the type of person to start drumming on the counter or desk with his hands or like pencils or pens when he’s bored. will make up fun little raps on the spot. 

incredibly intelligent but doesn’t like to talk about it. would much rather act dumb than act like he has any braincells. he doesn’t want to give anyone expectations. 

all the youtube success has definitely gone to his head in the way that?? he just thinks they’re untouchable like he cannot compute the concept of their channel failing or their future endeavors failing. definitely thinks that TWENTIES will lead to much bigger things for them. will walk into his future acting auditions like he’s the shit. 

an introvert with extrovert tendencies. needs to be by himself to chill out and recharge but can like work a room honestly. can make friends pretty much everywhere he goes. a bit of a charmer when he wants to be. 

a smoker unfortunately. also a bit of a stoner. definitely has a juul on him at all times, like i said he tends to keep it behind his ear and then be like ???? where’s my juul. 

needs glasses but refuses to wear them. is very stubborn about it tbh. does not want to get contacts because he hates the idea of putting something into his eye. so you can catch him squinting sometimes like a fool. 

one of the first things he treated himself to with his first big youtube check like outside of rent was a tattoo! it’s on his ribs and it’s just a drawing he did himself but he loves it and it was the start of an addiction. he has about five. also has a few helix and orbital piercings on his left ear. 

another muse of mine with a tiktok, but jaq just uses his to make music for the most part. will turn the mickey mouse club house theme song into bars! (if you’ve seen that tiktok,,,, ily) 

a big nerd. reads comic books. watches anime. will get very reasonably upset about the avatar the last airbender movie whenever it’s brought up.

can cook really well, but whenever he does it it’s pure chaos. like julian/brad leone in the kitchen for sure. but the food comes out tasting really good, so???

is jewish af. knows a bit of hebrew and a bit of yiddish because of his grandparents mostly. is kind of ??? a lot more lenient with things now that he’s not around his parents as often i’m ngl. 

brings his ds everywhere and you can literally catch him on the bus vaping and playing animal crossing because he hasn’t bothered to get a american license yet 

is always willing to take a picture with a subscribers and they’re always the weirdest thing. there are pictures of subscribers like pretending to stab him in the eye. prom pose pictures with subscribers. the weirder the better tbh

has gone to vidcon a few years in a row, always has the wildest time. there is video footage of him waking up in some strangers bathtub with a feather boa around his neck. it’s probably on instagram. 

is also bi af. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.  very proud to announce that i am officially a lost cause! 

BEST FRIENDS.

A BROMANCE. 

FWB/EWB.

EXES. 

FANS OF HIS YOUTUBE VIDEOS. 

and here’s his wanted tag, i forgot to do the same for haisley so here is her wanted tag. 

and many more, y’all this took so long and i’m so tired but like this and i will slide into your dms for plots!

[angelsfalling16]

The Thin Line Between Pretending and Actually Loving You - Chapter 4

Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Read on ao3

Summary: Simon and Baz learn more about each other and maybe even grow closer.

Word Count: 2373

A/N: I actually managed to write this chapter pretty quickly. I only did a quick edit, though, so I'm sorry for any mistakes!

***

Baz

“Games? That’s how we’re going to get to know each other better?”

“Do you have a better idea?”

“Yeah. We could simply talk to each other and learn things that way. You know. In the same way you would normally get to know each other.”

Leave it to Simon to try to ruin my plans. And come up with a better, more obvious, way to go about doing things.

I rather like my idea, though. It won’t feel so forced, and I feel like it will be easier to open up to each other if we have something to guide us.

“You and I have never really been normal around each other, have we?” I point out. “We have never been that great at communicating, and we have never gotten along.”

“Then, why did you agree to this? If you honestly believed that we would never be able to pull this off, why did you accept my offer?”

“I didn’t really have any other choice.”

Simon is obviously hurt by my words, and I wish that I could take them back. I don’t want to hurt him, but I can’t tell him the truth either. That I accepted his offer because I liked the prospect of spending more time with him.

I can’t let him know that the pretending isn’t what’s difficult for me. It’s the part where I try not to cross the line between pretending and showing him that I actually love him.

The reason that I struggled to act like a couple around Dev and Niall is because I’m holding myself back. I have to find a good balance, and I am hoping that these games will help. I just need to find a way to get closer to Simon without falling further in love with him.

“Look,” I say, softening my voice. “if you want to back out of all of this, I understand. I will tell my friends the truth, and you and I can go our separate ways once more.”

Once again, I’m giving him an out. And once again, he doesn’t take it.

“That’s not what I want!” I’m surprised by his tone. He almost sounds…upset.

But that doesn’t make sense. Why would he care whether we continue this ruse? It’s not like he is getting anything out of it. He only offered to do this because… Well, I’m not really sure.

It doesn’t seem like he would do this just so we could get the chance to start over. We could have tried that without him pretending to be my boyfriend. Maybe he thought that I would never agree to trying to be friends. Not after everything that I put him through.

“What do you want then?” I ask quietly.

“I want to get to know you, but I don’t understand why all of this has to be so complicated.”

“It is not complicated. I actually thought that playing games would be more fun than forced conversation,” I admit, and I can see him starting to give in.

 Simon

I don’t know about fun, but these games are certainly interesting.

They aren’t even games exactly. They are quizzes that Baz found online for us to take. They’re supposed to tell us how well we know each other.

I don’t need a quiz to tell me that I don’t know anything about Baz Pitch.

I spent four years living with him, but we spent so much time antagonizing each other that we never took the time to learn anything about each other. We shouldn’t have even continued to be roommates after the first year of college. I could have requested a different roommate or moved into an apartment or a different dorm, but I chose to stay.

I feel for him, and I couldn’t imagine leaving him.

It makes me wonder why Baz chose to stay. I know it wasn’t for the same reason, no matter how much I wish it was. He was probably just worried that no one else would want to room with him if they heard how awful he had been with me.

It weird to think that I feel for a boy who I apparently know nothing about, I realize as I fail the second “how well do you know your partner?” that I’ve taken today.

I only got 6 out of 22 points, which is pretty much the worst that you can do. My results tell me that our relationship could stand some improvement. (Obviously.) It also says, “Perhaps you never had the time or the tools to really get to know each other.” That is actually pretty spot on.

Like Baz said, we never figured out how to get to know one another. We always struggled to just sit down and talk, which I guess is why Baz thought these quizzes would help us. I don’t know how this is supposed to help, though.

With a sigh, I shut my computer and slump down into the corner of Baz’s couch before voicing my concerns to him.

“I don’t understand how this is going to help me get to know you. If anything, it has solidified the fact that I don’t know you at all.”

“That was just the beginning,” he says, looking up at me from his own quiz. “To see where we stand. Don’t worry, I didn’t do much better.”

I’ve never seen Baz act so calmly about failing a quiz, and it makes me wonder what score he actually got. Surely, he doesn’t know me better than I know him.

“Here,” he says, clicking something on his computer. “I have another quiz that we can both do. Write down your answers on a piece of paper and answer how you would answer them about me and then about yourself. I will do the same, and then, we will compare our answers to see what we got right.”

“So, now you are going to grade me on how well I know you? Why, so you can judge me?”

“No. That way we know what we need to talk about, what we need to learn about each other.”

“Fine. But I get to choose the next quiz we do.”

“Deal.”

Baz sends me the link to the quiz and finds me a notebook and pencil, and I move to stretch out on the floor while I answer this set of questions.

There are only 21 questions here. Is that really enough to test how well we know each other?

I suppose we’ll find out.

Reading the first question, I am already doubtful of the helpfulness of this quiz.

What’s your partner’s least favorite body part?

Why would I know that? I don’t even know what my least favorite body part is.

After considering this for a minute, I decide to go with his nose because I’m sure that every time he looks at it in the mirror, it reminds him of me. It’s crooked from that time I punched during a particularly vicious argument that we got into our first semester. The last thing Baz would have wanted was a reminder of me, the person he used to hate.

I continue on through the questions. The next two give me a little bit of trouble, but four and five are easy.

Did your partner have a nickname as a child? What was it? Bonus point: Did they like the nickname? Why? and Which of your partner's aunts or uncles are they closest to?

Baz is his nickname that we was given when he was younger, and I’m assuming that he likes it because he still uses it. And his favorite aunt is Fiona. She’s just as awful as Baz used to act. Whenever she came to school to visit, I made sure to stay away from our door. Baz by himself was bad enough to deal with.

I guess on a lot of the questions, and there are some that I just don’t have the answer to. Like, Name two of your partner's grandparents. I can’t even name one of them. And what is your partner’s favorite smell? Why would I know that?

I didn’t even know that I had a favorite scent until after I graduated college. Until I left our dorm and realized that I missed the familiar scent of it. And then it wasn’t until a while later that I realized that the scent was Baz and his posh shampoo. Cedar and bergamot.

I can’t write that as my own answer, though, because that would mean admitting that I like the way Baz smells. I absolutely cannot do that, so I write down cherry scones for myself and leave it blank for Baz.

It takes me about ten more minutes to answer the rest of the questions. Baz is already done, and I’m not sure if that’s because he had an easier time answering the questions or if he left several of them blank, like I did.

 Baz

Some of the answers that Simon wrote down are completely absurd. For example, when it asked what your partner did during the summer as a child, he said that I spent them travelling the world and exploring castles.

He was pretty surprised when I told him that I spent most summers working on a farm with my father’s family. Apparently, he thought that I had never done any kind of physical labor in my life.

I won’t say that I did much better than Simon, but at least I tried.

A lot of these questions would be impossible to answer unless you had spent a lot of time with your partner. Something that Simon and I have definitely never done. They do help me learn a bit more about him.

I find out that Simon secretly likes country music, which makes me almost stop being in love with him. He says that, in his defense, that’s mostly what he listened to while in group homes. It’s what the other boys liked to listen to, so it’s what he was exposed to the most.

I decide to forgive him this opinion since he didn’t really have a choice in the matter but make a mental note to try to expand his music taste later on.

I also find out that he is afraid of dying alone. He has felt so alone for so much of his life that he hopes that when his life ends that he will have finally met someone who will always be there for him. It doesn’t have to necessarily be a romantic partner, but he wants to have someone in his life who he knows won’t abandon him.

I wish that I could help him find this. I want to be someone who makes him feel like he belongs somewhere, but I’m not sure that he would want me to be that for him.

I feel bad for always be so cruel to him when we were younger, and I decide now that even if this whole fake dating thing fails, I am going to do my best to make up for the way that I treated.

As we go through the rest of the questions, Simon and I both admit to things, both serious and not, before Simon searches for another quiz for us to go through.

“What about this one?” He asks, turning his computer screen towards me.

“340 is a lot of questions,” I say, reading the title.

“We don’t have to answer them all. Like you said, it’s only to get a conversation started.”

“Alright,” I agree. “Ask me the first question.”

He smiles quickly at me before turning his computer back towards him so that he can read it.

“What is my middle name?”

“That’s not fair. You don’t even know the answer to that.”

“Actually…”

***

The quiz that Simon turns out to be a great way for us to learn about each other. We learn a lot of small things about each other, but those things build up to a bigger picture that help me better see Simon for the amazingly sweet person that he is.

It also gives Simon the opportunity to open up to me about what he has been doing these past couple of years.

Apparently, he did find out more about his birth mother. The man he suspected to be his father really is his birth father, but he passed away before Simon took off on his little adventure.

Knowing who he was helped him find out who his mother was.

Her name was Lucy Salisbury, and she grew up in a small town with Simon’s father, David. She passed away during childbirth, but she got to name Simon before he was born.

Simon Snow Salisbury.

Not only is it nicely alliterative, but it also means that what Simon thought was his last name is actually his middle name.

I’m not sure where exactly Simon found all of this information, but the way he talks about it, it seems like he feels a little bit more whole knowing where he comes from, and I am happy for him.

Learning about his mother evidently is what made him change career paths. He thought that working with children who came from similar backgrounds as him would help, but now, he thinks that he wants to get away from his past, to try to move on from it.

He still wants to work with children, though, which is why he is going back to school to get a teach degree. I think that it is a lovely idea, and his reasons for it are touching.

The whole point of this was simply to get to know more about Simon, and even though I feel like I have accomplished that, I think I also fell more in love with him, the one thing I didn’t want to do.

Hiding my feelings from Simon is going to be difficult, but as we talked about our families, I realized that it’s going to be even worse when I have to introduce him to my family at Christmas.

Luckily, I still have some time before then. Time to prepare myself and find a way to better protect my heart.

***

Thanks for reading and happy holidays, everyone! <3

I took the questions from real quizzes that I found so here are the links to them:

How well do you know your partner?: https://www.gottman.com/how-well-do-you-know-your-partner/ 21 Questions to Test How Well You Really Know Your Partner: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201607/21-questions-test-how-well-you-really-know-your-partner 340 How Well Do You Know Me Questions: https://www.luvze.com/how-well-do-you-know-me-questions/

[tangodancerxxxmumu]

meet... jacqueline yilmaz

age: 24

pronouns: she / her

birthplace: dearborn, michigan

species: human

sexuality: asexual ( biromantic )

occupation: med school student

faceclaim: aslihan malbora

&. “be soft. do not let the world make you hard. do not let pain make you hate. do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.” --iain s. thomas

under the cut contains multiple triggers, including ( tw anxiety, tw illness, tw panic attack, tw anxiety attack ). if i seem to have missed anything, please let me know.

jacqueline was born in dearborn, michigan, surrounded by family in a cramped hospital room. her whole family had immigrated from turkey in the 1960′s, escaping the cypriot conflict, and they’d all stayed close, moving to the same town. so when their kids were born, it was a huge celebration of aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... her birth was full of the love of over a dozen people.

she grew up with her relatives living next door, a tight knit community of their own. her best friends were her cousins, she confided in her aunts and uncles. life was pretty charmed for the girl.

when she hit middle school, however, things changed. it was like something inside of her unsettled itself. she started sleeping less, nerves making a once outspoken child and quieter teen. she retreated within herself, worrying about every little thing. she picked at her fingers until they bled, bit her nails down to nubs, and cried. she cried all the damn time. it took a while before anyone really noticed much it was effecting her, and by the time she got a diagnoses, she was in junior high. generalized anxiety disorder.

her parents took her diagnoses very seriously. got her a therapist, got her medicated, got her on her feet. as the months went on, it seemed as though they were getting their little girl back. at least, they got a version back. she was never outspoken or bold again, but she started sleeping with the pills they gave her. slowly, things started to go back to normal.

in high school, she sort of blossomed into the nicest kid in school. kind of kid who never said no to a request... mostly due to her anxiety. she tutored others, did a million extracurriculars. one day, she saw a few of the football team jocks knock some book’s out of the new kid’s hands, and she went over to help him. not because of her own nerves, but because it was the right thing to do. 

jaiden... was perhaps the best thing to happen to her. while she was kind to everyone, it didn’t seem like many people wanted to get too close, but he did. they became fast friends, and once sophomore year rolled around, she asked him on a date. she’d plucked up the courage, and despite her own nerves and the fact that she didn’t sleep the full night before. her parents were excited, her extended family a little indifferent to a high school relationship that was bound to end in a month.

it didn’t end in a month. it didn’t end in a year. in the end, they graduated high school together and entered into the same college. she took pre-med. the only reason she was truly functioning today was because of the medical field, and while she didn’t think she could handle being a therapist, she thought being a doctor would be good. put some good karma into the universe.

towards the end of college, jaiden got sick, but he didn’t tell jacqueline. so, when he came back and proposed one day, she was confused. while she didn’t know if they were ready for that, she forced a small smile and accepted. how could she turn him down when they’d been together for so long?

except, she didn’t want to get married yet. she had med school to focus on once she graduated with her pre-med degree, and she knew he had law school. they were about to be swamped with work, hardly see each other, and she wasn’t sure that was what she wanted their marriage to start off like. her anxiety skyrocketed for the first time in ages, and whatever medication she was taking certainly wasn’t strong enough. 

she did her best to keep this from jaiden, instead going to her aunt to confide in. she didn’t want to worry her parents. aunt ada was a kind woman who was often a comfort to jacs. there was a level of trust in one’s family there, so when she told her niece that she was feeling wedding jitters, that she was fine, that she hardly needed her medication anymore... jacqueline listened. she dumped her pills down the drain under her aunt’s eye, and for the first time since she was fourteen, she was off of them.

things got worse after that. she stopped finding time to go in and see her therapist, using wedding planning as an excuse. she tried to talk to jaiden a few times about her concerns, but it honestly felt like he wasn’t listening. she just wanted to tell her partner that they weren’t ready. she’d always been clear that she wanted to finish school before they got married, so she didn’t understand why he was rushing things. but her mother was excited. her father was thrilled. it wasn’t as if she could put the wedding on hold, even if she wanted to. and everyone was talking about babies, how many kids the pair would have. no one seemed to care that jacqueline didn’t want to start a family until she was established in her career. no one seemed to notice when she stopped sleeping well, when she stopped eating much. her wedding date became even less of an excitement and more of an execution date. an execution date she had to grin and bear or risk making everyone upset.

the week before the wedding, jacqueline couldn’t even fake a smile. she was rushing to bathrooms to have anxiety attacks, couldn’t seem to focus on anything. she felt like she couldn’t breathe most of the time, and her mother and aunt just told her that wedding jitters could be something nasty. jaiden looked more handsome and happy than she could remember him being, and she hated that she couldn’t feel the same way. she loved him, still adored him, but everything felt wrong. it felt off. 

it was supposed to be an early wedding. the night before, as jacqueline slept separate from jaiden, she’d never felt more suffocated. the world felt like it was crashing against her, and she didn’t know why she couldn’t be normal and just go through with it. she had a panic attack, and once that had faded, it was like a switch had flipped. she couldn’t do this. if this was what her future was going to look like, not being forward with what she wanted for fear of upsetting everyone, then she didn’t want it. she grabbed her honeymoon suitcase, her phone, her wallet, and left everything else behind. she was in such a daze by the time she reached the airport, catching the last flight to maine. it wasn’t until she was on the plane itself that she cried, wondering what on earth she had done. later on, a therapist would go on to call this a nervous breakdown.

she didn’t answer any texts or calls for the next week. she found an apartment in a small town, bellport, and moved in. it was nearby a medical school she’d been accepted to, so she simply moved in and tried to grasp what had happened to her. she wanted to call jaiden, tell him what had really been going down, but she knew she’d broken his trust. that was perhaps the worst part. she eventually got back in contact with her mother, and they cried. her father cried, too, when she talked to him. they visited her in her new apartment, helped her find a new therapist, got her back on her medications. things... leveled out.

school was going well for her, and things seemed to finally be alright when she caught sight of jaiden in her new town. she called her therapist right after, begging for an extra session if he had time for her. she wasn’t sure she could face the man she still loved, not when her life was finally coming back together again. but, in this town, it seemed inevitable. 

jacqueline is super sweet, super sensitive. she finds it incredibly hard to say no to people. she’s friendly, genuinely curious, and loves helping people. while she noticed some weird things about her new town, she tries not to put too much stock into them.

essentially, she’s baby and i’m upset.

[haydensmarin]

meet HAYDEN JUDE MARIN, he has been living in milton for three months and is generally known around town for being charming and manipulative. the twenty seven year old, is apparently a night club owner but you didn’t hear that from me. when i think of him i think of: the warmth of the sand under your bare feet, a flirtatious comment followed by a wink, ‘u up’ texts, the smell of freshly baked bread.   -   tommy martinez, cismale, he/him as written by pepper, 23, est, she/her. 

BIO ; cancer tw, death tw

Hayden was born and raised in Santa Barbara, California where he happily spent most of his childhood by the beach. He was raised solely by his mother, Rosie Marin, who did her very best to bring him up on her own despite his father’s purposeful lack of involvement. Rosie owned a small local bakery (aptly named Rosie’s) that she and Hayden lived above. Hayden’s childhood was peppered with memories of waking up to the scent of fresh bread, pushing up onto his tiptoes to ice cupcakes, and of course, always being the most popular kid in his classes because his mom brought the best snacks. Hayden and his mother had just nearly enough to get by most of the time, but Hayden grew up very loved and very happy. His mother made sure of that at the very least.

Unfortunately, Rosie was diagnosed with lung cancer when Hayden was just ten years old. She fought hard against the disease for two hard years before she unfortunately passed away when Hayden was twelve. In all honesty, Hayden has never really quite gotten over his mother’s death. At the time his mother was quite literally all he had. He never knew his overly religious grandparents (who disowned Rosie for having a child out of wedlock) and he had no aunts or uncles that he knew of. All he really grew up with was his mother, and watching her die for two years was incredibly hard for him, and after her death he felt that for the first time in his life he was truly alone.

To everyone’s surprise, but especially Hayden’s, after his mother’s death his father got into contact with him through his godmother who Hayden was staying with at the time. Shockingly enough despite his total absence for majority of Hayden’s life, Hayden’s father wanted to take Hayden in. Hayden was very much against it, considering he had never met his father and was reasonably rather upset with him for abandoning both him and his mother. However, Hayden’s godmother thought that living with his father would be best for him, not only considering that it may be Hayden’s last chance to have a relationship with a parent but also because Hayden’s father, Raphael, was very well off. So despite his (very vocal) protests Hayden was then sent to live with his father, which quickly became a very sour arrangement.

It became very clear very quickly that Hayden’s father wanted nothing to do with him. He spoke to Hayden only when necessary, seemed to forget his son was there most of the time, and left on business trips near constantly. Eventually Hayden learnt (through some rather sneaky eavesdropping) that the only reason his father had taken him in in the first place was to please Hayden’s stepmother. Apparently, Cheryl, or ‘Cherry’ as she insisted everyone call her, was practically begging Raphael for a baby, and seeing as Raphael had very little time or desire for having a child he decided that having a twelve year old around was better than an infant. Hayden was hurt to learn the truth about his father’s desire to take him in, and even attempted to run away in a fit of anger. But he was very quickly found by some of his father’s security and brought back to his father’s expansive home before he could get very far, and every attempt following the first resulted in much of the same thing.

Eventually Hayden gave up on running away. His father was rarely home long enough for Hayden to demonstrate how much he loathed him anyways, and within the walls of his father’s home Hayden was at least clothed and fed. He resented his father and longed to run away back to his godmother’s home but unfortunately his father’s home was a long way away from Santa Monica.

So Hayden started to build a life for himself where he was, and that life started with school. Even without being the kid in school who’s mom brought the best snacks, Hayden was still quite popular in school, and for the most part that was due to baseball. Hayden had always played baseball, ever since he was young and his mother used to bring plates full of orange slices to his peewee games (the Marins had always been a baseball family. Screw football or hockey, if it wasn’t on a baseball diamond they didn’t care about it). Hayden also had the good fortune of actually being very talented. So when Hayden tried out for catcher on his high school team he got the position very easily, and was even bumped up to first string to boot. Although some of the upper year students weren’t particularly happy about a freshman making first string, a lot of the colleges were. Hayden’s talent was noticed and sought after from the time he was about halfway through his sophomore year, and his near prodigy level skill was even featured in some local sports magazines and the local newspaper. Despite knowing that the magazines likely wouldn’t have cared about Hayden’s skill if he wasn’t going to one of the most well known private schools in the state, Hayden’s ego still inflated a bit at the recognition.

For a few years that’s all Hayden’s life was. Playing baseball, hanging out and partying with friends, and occasionally having to deal with his father and stepmother when the situation called for it. It wasn’t the best life, and Hayden wasn’t exactly happy but it was all Hayden really had, so he did his best to make do with it. In all honesty at that point the thing that made Hayden happiest was his team. While Hayden’s home life was broken, his team helped him find the community he craved. Playing baseball and being part of a team made Hayden feel that he belonged somewhere, like he was wanted somewhere, and Hayden clung to that sensation gratefully.

But when Hayden was about halfway through his junior year things rapidly went downhill. You have to be a level 10 friend to unlock what happened there because I honestly don’t think Hayden has talked about it since the night it happened, but basically all you need to know is that a series of events happened one night that led to Hayden basically being thrown out of his home that very same night and disowned, full stop.

Hayden’s only saving grace was that his father was too proud to let his son live on the streets. Raphael set Hayden up with his own apartment near his school, and paid for Hayden’s rent and expenses. However, he did so without communicating with Hayden even once, and it was very clear that Hayden had essentially been disowned. When Hayden was eighteen the money stopped, and Hayden moved out of the apartment. Hayden and Raphael haven’t really talked since.

Hayden got into university on a full baseball scholarship, despite all the chaos. He leaned heavily on his chosen family, his baseball team, throughout that difficult interim between being kicked out and graduating, and during that time he threw himself into baseball with such vigor and intensity that he impressed more than a few of the scouts circling around him. He ended up choosing NYU because it was the school that was the farthest away, and although Hayden didn’t want to be far from his hometown and his mother’s grave, he did want a fresh start away from his father and Cherry.

Hayden university experience was unremarkable but very significant to him. In fact, the fact that it was mostly unremarkable is what made it so special to him. For the most part, Hayden was pretty close to completely happy. He became captain of the baseball team his second year, made lifelong friends in his team and his frat, and eventually achieved his ultimate goal, getting recruited onto a professional baseball team in his junior year. Hayden graduated early with a degree in business, proud of his accomplishments, and finally feeling as if he was breaking through a barrier of tragedy through his life. He was finally approaching his happy ending.

But of course it didn’t last. Hayden played for the New York Yankees for almost two years, (and was damn good at it too) before he injured his shoulder in a game. The injury was serious enough that his future in baseball seemed to just sudden became nonexistent. In a moment, a split second really, all of Hayden’s dreams that he had just barely reached suddenly crumbled in his hands. Disappeared into fucking nothing. It was like god had it out for him. Hayden didn’t take it well.

After the doctor’s final diagnosis (a solemn gaze behind wire rimmed glasses, a fucking clipboard that Hayden wasn’t allowed to see, stainless steel, the smell of death, god Hayden fucking hated hospitals), Hayden stayed in New York because even if he wasn’t living out his dream, well he had nowhere else to go. He went on a bit of a bender though. Drinking, partying, drugs, girls, guys – you name it, Hayden indulged in all of his vices in an attempt to find comfort. Some friends he made through the years tried to get into touch with him (and some very notably didn’t) but Hayden never really did much more than go through the motions with any of it. ‘I’m fine’ quickly became an automated response, one he didn’t even have to think about, one he would give whether drunk or high or completely and utterly lost– Because he was. He was fine. Anyone who thought differently could get fucked.

Hayden bought the club on a whim. His time in the league meant he had more than a bit of money saved, and since the place was for sale and Hayden liked to party, he figured it was a no brainer. He’s owned the place for almost three years now, and it’s actually been surprisingly successful. Hayden’s status of ‘former baseball player’ was enough notoriety to get people to show up, and the fact that the place was actually more than decent kept them coming. Hayden treats the club like more of a hobby than an actual business, too busy with his extracurricular activities to have more than a passing interest in it but… it’s fun. And well. It’s not like he has anything else to do.

He lived by himself for a while but honestly Hayden is a big extrovert, he hates being alone, and living by himself in the huge ass loft he used to own just made him feel more lonely. So he responded to the first ‘roommate wanted’ ad he could find and just so happened to room with a girl he went to college with. It was a weird coincidence that later led to Hayden giving Kitty Dixie a job as a bartender at his club, which pretty quickly led to the both of them running the place together. Despite the fact that Hayden would rather die than admit it, he gives a shit about her so after the fire he not only gave her to time off she needed but also took the very first vacation he has ever took from the Omnia to come to the funeral with her and help her get settled. He has now been in Milton for about three months and he’s still super intrigued by the whole place?? Goes around flirting with suburban moms, and attending their weird ass festivals, and confusing small town people with his general city behaviour. He’s happy to be near the beach again but it lowkey makes him miss his mom big. Yeah I’m gonna stop rambling now but yes that’s Hayden.

PERSONALITY / HEADCANNONS ;

Hayden, is as the kids say… a fuckboi, probably

He is very loyal, like he cares a lot about his own but anyone outside of his circle he’s kind of indifferent to. Like he’s friendly, and almost pleasant but like… he does not really care about them yk, there’s a distinct lack of like sincerity in the way he treats his friends vs randos (or even ‘friends’)

Morally grey to the max

A very good liar, who lies often. Can be very manipulative but he doesn’t have a reason to be lately, so he mostly just manipulates business partners.

LOVES messing with people. It’s like crack to him

Very sarcastic

Will sleep with anyone he’s attracted to tbh. Bisexual, and very comfortable with it by now. Used to be kind of iffy with it when he was playing professionally, but now that he’s got no chance of ever being a pro again and the paps have pretty much left him alone he gives no fucks.

Actually pretty clever, hence the whole actually being able to own a successful business thing.

Might bake for you if you’re nice to him and he’s actually really freaking good at it like he learned from his mom, and honestly baking highkey reminds him of her so he doesn’t do it too often.

Lowkey his dream is to go back to santa barbara and run his mom’s bakery (his dad sold the place but hayden bought it back as soon as he had the money) but since he kind of considers himself a failure and disappointment to his mom at this point his bitch ass doesn’t think he deserves to yet, so he’s staying in new york for a while, and now milton for a bit too.

Is almost always on business calls with his employees or business partners because running a club remotely is a lot harder than you think??? 

Hates hospitals with a passion. Would rather die than go to one willingly. When Hayden is sick he just voluntarily suffers.

Oh, and Hayden’s club is named Omnia and friends get in for free so feel free to hit him up for a good time if you’re ever going to New York

WANTED CONNECTIONS ;

i would love a bromance for hayden honestly that would be fun

a godsibling! hayden used to be v close to his godmother so this could be fun too

someone who he has a bad influence on? someone who’s a good influence on him?

one night stand! honestly since hayden is just gonna be in milton for a while he is just having a good time, so hit your boi up!

fwbs or ewbs because again,,, what else is he doing here 

a secret fling could be a fun thing to play out!

a hateship. like they bicker all the time and they really wanna wring each other’s necks, just give me some good old fashion animosity.

maybe an ex that he was dating during his time playing professionally (can be f/m/nb) that Hayden ended things with when he got his injury and moved to New York? Fun drama potentially

omg that reminds me i have a headcannon that Hayden dated the first and only person he ever loved in college and they broke his fucking heart so if anyone wants to play that out and dive head first into some angst with me then lemme know.

a sibling like relationship, an ex fwb, someone he’s the wingman for, idk everything give me all of it please and thank!

TAKEN CONNECTIONS ;

kitty = work wife / flirtationship / friend from college

[spellnbone]

Dell [41] - Traveller [Magi Colegio, Mexico] Rigby [31] - Editor for Lore&Lore, Hogwarts Textbook Publishing Company     -- (currently on a pre-paternity break) [Hufflepuff] Edgar [28] - Columnist for the Daily Prophet [Ravenclaw] Amelia [28] - Barrista at the Wizengamot [Hufflepuff] Colter [25] - Dragon Researcher and Reserve Ranger, Russia [Hufflepuff]

Growing up in the roaring twenties and raising herself to be a firework of a woman in the thirties, Laura Bones never wanted children. Had there been day-cares in the south of Wizarding England, perhaps she would’ve considered it, but as it was, children were but something she thought would tie her down. She wanted to travel and explore as many cultures as possible, so when a new friend, Jorge Centello, invited her to come explore the Wizarding Americas with him, she had no doubts.

Gone they were, for two entire years, and eventually friendship changed into passion and by her 19th birthday the young Witch had to declare to her parents that she was pregnant. An accident, perhaps, but she was too proud of a person to say it was anything less than on purpose, and to prove it, she married Jorge -- under the condition he took her maiden name because “do you know who the Bones are?! You’d honestly want me to take that away from me?!” He didn’t want to, and, in fact, took her name. A promise that, well, perhaps the child was an accident, but he was committed. Wild as she was, he had long given up on denying how he felt about her, and firmly believed that if he could spend the rest of his life with her, it would be a happy life.

Jorge was fiery himself, but more like a steadily burning camp fire than whatever explosion Laura appeared to be. Brave and unwavering as he was, he didn’t fear the judgement of the much stricter Wizarding Society of England, telling her again and again, even in his unbreakable vows at their wedding, that as long as they were together, no amount of rain could dowse his flame.

So, Dell was born. The young family remained unstationary as they had before, travelling the Americas until it was time for Dell’s magical schooling (age 13-19), for which they returned to Jorge’s hometown in Mexico. With his grandparents there, it didn’t matter that Laura kept travelling for months on end, returning mostly for birthdays and holidays like a child at boarding school. But she was not a neglectful mother. She taught her son all she thought important about the world, taught him about his family in England and the high sense of justice they fostered. And, being so far away from them, Dell took great pride in them. A pride akin to a niche interest, the way one is interested in certain periods of history, or dinosaurs.

Dignified like his grandparents -- who didn’t have much, but who carried the kind honour the way only humble people know how -- he put a lot of emphasis on making his family proud. Aware of his precious, bicultural heritage, he was open-minded in situations where others would be more tight-lipped, always hoping to do his name justice. He wanted to be an exemplary Bones, succeeding easily. He was well-loved at school and studied hard, which earned him a traineeship position at Gringotts in London after his graduation. Why England despite speaking English as brokenly as his father? Well, partly because he finally wanted to see all the things his mother always told him about for himself, and partly because he wanted to show off in England what admirable off-spring the Bones had produced.

The reason why Laura agreed to follow a year later? Well. Ten years ago, another such accident as Dell had happened... By the time Dell was off to England, little Rigby was almost old enough for his letter from Hogwarts, and Jorge thought perhaps it was his time to struggle with helping with his son’s homeworks, instead of his wife. Laura agreed, though her reasoning was simpler. Less pragmatic. Less humorous. The truth was, when she looked into her little boy’s eyes for the first time, those big blue orbs like her mother’s which no other Bones-Centello has, she was overcome by the strongest, deepest and most earnest feeling a person can have, a feeling which Jorge had already felt many years prior when he had first seen Laura and which had only grown with every day he had given Dell a big, long hug: loyalty. Loyalty to family. Loyalty to a need of togetherness. Loyalty to a creation of ‘home’.

It made her miss her own parents, made her miss seeing the same people every day, made her miss looking at a pile of bricks and think “this is my house, this is not just where I sleep, this is where I live.” A big, happy family, all gathered in one place, this was what she wanted. So off they went.

Rigby, who had seen Dell go through his school-career with stellar grades, wanted nothing more than to be like him. He adored his big brother. Worshipped him, really. Always followed him everywhere. All the “why?” questions typical for children his age were directed at Dell, not his parents or grandparents. Everything Dell had, he wanted to have, too. Everything Dell was, he wanted to be, too. There was a joke going around the Centellos, that his eyes were only so big so they could see all of Dell at all times, and only so blue because Dell’s school uniform was blue, like the sky and ocean sharing each other’s light and colour. In his private schooling he was studious -- because of Dell. In social situations he was attentive and friendly -- because of Dell. His clothes were always neat and clean -- because of Dell. So naturally he was devastated when Dell moved away. He tried to hide himself in his suitcase! And in return how happy he was when his mother finally agreed that they’d all move to England!

But oh dear. The shock that awaited him there... Dell met them at the Port Key and they found that their good little boy had turned into, well, into a hippie. Long hair, no shoes, and strong convictions on his lips. Whatever he had expected England to be, it had bitterly disappointed him. He had been horrified by the strict structures of the Wizarding Society there, the conservatism, the purebloodism, the way half-breeds and magical creatures were treated, everything! He had promptly quitted his job and joined a few travelling magi, and by the time his family had followed him, he had turned into the Dell we know today. And the first thing he told them as they arrived in the old House of Bones he had always dreamed to live in once, was: “I reject the heritage, by the way. I don’t want to own money that has been used to oppress the unfortunate.” In fact, he declared that all money was bad and that he’d be travelling some more now, dismantling all of society’s norms until everyone had accepted Diogenes’ teachings as their one truth.

Needless to say that his mother was incredibly proud of him and had Jorge pack a lunch for him. He’s always welcome to come back home, and whenever he does, for birthdays and the holidays, just like Laura used to do it, he explains how he denies social norms to have an effect on him through personal actions, such as helping others for no rewards, rejecting monogamous relationship structures or negative opinions on ‘bad habits’, and wearing dresses and wearing lipstick beneath his bushy beard. Every year for Yule, he comes back with more strange concepts, and every year his family gathers around and listens attentively, though never entirely capable of distinguishing his jokes from his serious suggestions.

But before all the family could adjust and grow fond of the Bones gene showing itself once again, Rigby’s little heart had to break. Seeing his brother like this, so ... different from how he remembered him? It upset him terribly. Perhaps the first time a Bones has ever disapproved of another family member’s weirdness. But you see, it wasn’t logical. It was something deep within Rigby that was shaken and, in a way, awoken. Until now, his personality had been this idea he had had of his brother. But if his brother wasn’t Dell anymore (no calculated smile left, no gender left, no shoes left), then who was Rigby?

His first two years at Hogwarts he tried his best to uphold who he thought he’d been. Perhaps to prove himself that one couldn’t just be so wrong about one’s identity. But the more aggressively he studied, the more care he took in what others thought of him, the less ... happy he was. And when his younger siblings, the twins, joined him at school, he became more and more aggravated by the day to see them taking ‘who they were’ so easily. Amelia just bursting with ideas and love to give, and Edgar floating through the halls as though he thought himself a ghost, untouchable by others anyway. Between who he was and who he wanted to be grew a chasm. A chasm only one person could allow him to cross and help him to explore: Dell.

For Rigby’s thirteenth birthday, Dell took his brother aside. The talk lasted all night. It went from the Bones’ family history and values, over fears and love and imagination, to how no one could and should tell you what is ‘right’ but the unfilled cavities of your own heart. Rigby cried a lot that night. It’s not always easy to quite detect where the thorn sits, but with a bit of luck, patience and acceptance, water washes out the wound.

Rigby never became as wild as any of his siblings. He might’ve given up to put such weight on scholastic achievements but he never quit caring for proper attires or quoting particularly charming passages from his favourite books at the prettiest boys he could find. His sense of justice, different than Dell’s, is a private one. It’s not the world he wishes to flip off, just all the factors that could influence who he is. Dell doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him, but Rigby very much does. He needs people to understand who he is, to accept him fully and to not ask him to cut himself down. Not society needs to strip itself off all judgement, but every person needs to see what is truly within them, and accept it. That is what he wants.

Naturally, his family agrees, and when he finally introduced them the -- by then (in)famous long-term -- boyfriend (and his former boss at work) he had always carefully shielded from the weirdness of his family, saying that they’d not only exchange vows next Summer but also planned on adopting a child, everyone was more than elated. Until they realised that this meant by the terms of the tradition, the heritage would therefore not be able to go to him either. He could’ve gotten a wife and have a child with her for good measure, even left her afterwards, but Rigby refused to because of his integrity to who he was. And because no one wanted to fight with him about it, all eyes went to Amelia, fifteen at that time. With a gasp she pointed at Edgar: “He’s five minutes older!” who had long realised what was going to happen and was intently hiding behind his book.

Amelia and Edgar had never any doubts about who they were. Perhaps because right from the very beginning, they always knew that they were each other’s other half. One right-handed, the other left-handed, they were able to do most anything while keeping their fingers locked, not mirroring each other -- never mirroring each other! -- they were more all the assembled parts that the other didn’t have. What one was brilliant at, the other failed, what scared one, intrigued the other, and yet their laugh had the same melody, chiming in unison as though a well-rehearsed song. At the age of eight, after leaving Mexico, where they had shared a small room, their parents could finally offer them each their own bedroom, but Amelia’s was barely ever used. Yes, they were tucked into their own beds every night, with both parents telling them a story each to make sure they’d actually fall asleep, but before the clock would strike midnight, Amelia would be hiding under Edgar’s blanket.

Thus it came, that after their first night at Hogwarts -- which both had anticipated greatly! -- they stomped into Professor Dumbledore’s office demanding another try with the Sorting Hat. By the time Rigby renounced the heritage, they had almost peaked in their independence. Like Dumbledore told them that night: them being apart had not washed soft all the perfect little puzzle-locks that had made them fit beforehand -- like glass in the ocean -- but actually created more of those edges which only the other could fit in. Returning to each other over the holidays was never difficult, but they no longer required each other to feel like a full person. The first year at Hogwarts, Edgar had tickled the pears every night, meeting Amelia on the couch in the Hufflepuff Common Room to find sleep in her arms there, the second it had been mostly every day except the few ones where they were too tired and slept through the night, the third it was mostly when they didn’t have to wake up early the next day, the fourth mostly on weekends and special occasions, and by their fifth year, it happened so rarely that Edgar had to explicitly tell the resident Hufflepuffs who he was when he entered the Common Room because they were no longer used to seeing him there.

During their sixth and seventh year of Hogwarts, Amelia stood in constant correspondence with Rigby. She had always been very close with him, trying to comfort him when Dell had left Mexico, trying to lose him up in his dark times before he turned thirteen, and trying to cheer him up when his OWLs had turned out even worse than expected. They clashed, too, being no less impulsive than the other, but when it came to it, when it was important, she was always there for him. Feeling no less awful than him whenever he struggled, crying with him whenever he worked through a heart-break, and staying up many long nights with him in the Common Room just talking about this and that. Both of them demanded to be their true selves, to not be disciplined or caged in for their needs and wishes, and this brought them closer. As Rigby grew more and more confident in who he was, Amelia grew proud of him, defending him whenever someone even dared mumbling something bad about him.

On the other hand, Edgar’s Eurasian Eagle-Owl Maxwell fluttered in at least weekly with a new letter from Dell. Knowing Dell, one could easily imagine that Edgar was heavily influenced by his principles and philosophies, but the truth was that Dell’s convictions were rooted in the factual problems one could pin point with a finger. He’s the kind of person to raise his voice when he gets heated about a topic he cares about, to accuse those who don’t live by their words with harsh insults, to actually goes through with what he preaches. Edgar on the other hand had always been soft-spoken and more passively curious about the world. When he speaks of what he’s learnt, he doesn’t offer advice, he doesn’t have unchangeable opinions or ever thinks himself more right than the kind person before him. But learning of Dell’s adventures was learning of the world out there, and that was why they wrote so many letters. And Dell? Well, Dell did patiently answer all of his brother’s questions and lectured gently through the parchment, but in truth, he too learnt from his brother open-minded way to view the universe, always surprised by what he found in those letters in the end.

Perhaps Amelia and Edgar would’ve gone on to live fairly separate lives, unwavered by what the other was doing whatsoever, forever. At first it seemed to work. Amelia went to study and do her traineeship at the Ministry, while Edgar went to travel around with Dell for a few months, then alone. They barely saw each other during that time. Loving each other still, yes, but no longer needing each other as desperately. Sometimes they joked about it. That they were grown up now. That they had done as Dumbledore had told them they would: become their own, full person. And then came the war. The Order. The first deaths. The intrusive thoughts, whispering doubt into this head that had always seemed sure of itself all these years. And Edgar found himself in Amelia’s arms again. She too saw the world changing, knowing of her twin’s secret only a few nights after the Order had sworn him in already, and she knew that whatever had happened -- they never spoke of the Order -- it had hurt him terribly. Therefore it hurt her too. By the age of twenty, they were as co-dependent as they had been with eleven. Child-like, clinging to each other, seeking each other’s warmth, feeling incomplete without the other there.

At age fifteen, when the heritage was rewritten in Edgar’s name, to be received after his marriage upon his first child’s birth, it mostly seemed like an awkward topic to talk about for him. But now? Now, at age twenty-eight with multiple failed, long-term relationships and death following his every step? While he does long for a peaceful family life, he doubts it’ll come soon. He is too anxious, he’d be distant, he’d not be able to commit to love someone he could so easily lose. Who could lose him even more easily. So his gaze goes to Amelia again, the same way it did when they were fifteen. But now his gaze goes to her because in theory she’s the one who lives the secure life, the one who could be a safety-bringing mother to her child. And his gaze goes to her because -- and no, he’d never admit it -- the idea of Amelia finding someone more important than him, makes him sick to his stomach...

Amelia wants Edgar to find someone to love that way, and she’s certain that it’ll happen for him eventually. But as unspoken as he is about it, they know they feel the same about it all. The idea he might love someone more than her terrifies her. She had a few relationships as well but the love never felt as deep, as palpable, as important as Edgar’s love, and sooner or later she’d sabotage it -- consciously as well as subconsciously --, make the other break up with her so she didn’t have to break their heart. So if he were to leave her, she’s certain she’d have no one left.

They could reject the Bones’ heritage as well. The family book into which the traditional vows are carved into and only ever need the names changed out, would probably sigh at their nonsense, but it wouldn’t refuse. These are the Bones we’re talking about, after all! When has a generation ever been easy? And as long as at least Laura Bones is alive, there’s no rush in inscribing the name into the vows just yet anyway. And who would receive the heritage then?

Colter. The youngest. The wildest. The most dangerous, courageous roaring lion that has ever lived. Being his father’s precious little treasure, he comes after him. When the Centello grandparents came to visit once, they said that Colter resembled Jorge so terribly, it was as though someone had turned the time thirty years back. And with every year he was surrounded by Gryffindors (he was a Hufflepuff but chose himself mostly Gryffindor friends), he became wilder and wilder. Amelia’s bratty influence certainly didn’t help. “Hey you go do this and see what mom says because you're the youngest and you can get away with it,” was her way to go about it, rather than acting like an older sibling. No sorrows seemed to weigh on Colter ever, no fears would ever affect his muscles, no injustice would ever pass his mind. He was the youngest and had it the easiest, never worrying about the future whatsoever. And so, when Edgar took him to the side one day and asked him how he’d feel about getting the heritage, he almost choked on a horrible laughing fit. Here he’d been, thinking to be left alone with all that traditional baggage, only to find his oldest brother a Cynic, his older brother queer as a 2/5th Knut and the twins too stupidly intense about each other to find another spouse.

He never said no, so that’s currently every Bones’ hope, but he did buy a one-way ticket as he left to tame dragons in northern Russia, so...

[haydenmarin]

( samuel larsen | cismale | he/him ) ——— well well, if it isn’t hayden marin coming out of apartment 5.1. i always think of the sweet smell of nicotine clinging to worn leather, the vibration of bass through your rib cage, and the bittersweet freedom of giving up when i see them, don’t you? anyway - i heard the twenty five year old moved out to new york seven years ago to go to school and become a baseball player. that must’ve gone nowhere because they now work as a club owner; maybe that’s because they’ve a tendency to be calculating, libertine and sarcastic. i guess they could’ve been someone… — [ pepper | 23 | est | she/her ]

heyo all, i’m pepper, twenty three, she/her pronouns, and i’m always late dfkjdfkj as you can see, like i literally had everything prepared beforehand i don’t know how i’m still late... honestly rip. a bit about me i guess, i am still waiting for fergie to come back from her hiatus (because no song goes as hard as fergalicious, that’s a fact), i still don’t really understand what tiktok is and i’m okay with that, i’m  addicted to pinterest and atm i’m really craving some fries. okey doke, now that that’s over with i’m super excited to PROPERLY introduce you to my trash son hayden!  here are some stats on him, here is his pinterest board, and here is his playlist! down below is hayden’s bio which is hella long sdkjdskj i’m so sorry i wrote up a short form but i liked his full bio better. if you read absolutely ANY of it i love you okay.

CANCER TW, DEATH TW

BIO ;

Hayden was born and raised in Santa Barbara, California where he happily spent most of his childhood by the beach. He was raised solely by his mother, Rosie Marin, who did her very best to bring him up on her own despite his father’s purposeful lack of involvement. Rosie owned a small local bakery (aptly named Rosie’s) that she and Hayden lived above. Hayden’s childhood was peppered with memories of waking up to the scent of fresh bread, pushing up onto his tiptoes to ice cupcakes, and of course, always being the most popular kid in his classes because his mom brought the best snacks. Hayden and his mother had just nearly enough to get by most of the time, but Hayden grew up very loved and very happy. His mother made sure of that at the very least.

Unfortunately, Rosie was diagnosed with lung cancer when Hayden was just ten years old. She fought hard against the disease for two hard years before she unfortunately passed away when Hayden was twelve. In all honesty, Hayden has never really quite gotten over his mother’s death. At the time his mother was quite literally all he had. He never knew his overly religious grandparents (who disowned Rosie for having a child out of wedlock) and he had no aunts or uncles that he knew of. All he really grew up with was his mother, and watching her die for two years was incredibly hard for him, and after her death he felt that for the first time in his life he was truly alone.

To everyone’s surprise, but especially Hayden’s, after his mother’s death his father got into contact with him through his godmother who Hayden was staying with at the time. Shockingly enough despite his total absence for majority of Hayden’s life, Hayden’s father wanted to take Hayden in. Hayden was very much against it, considering he had never met his father and was reasonably rather upset with him for abandoning both him and his mother. However, Hayden’s godmother thought that living with his father would be best for him, not only considering that it may be Hayden’s last chance to have a relationship with a parent but also because Hayden’s father, Raphael, was very well off. So despite his (very vocal) protests Hayden was then sent to live with his father, which quickly became a very sour arrangement.

It became very clear very quickly that Hayden’s father wanted nothing to do with him. He spoke to Hayden only when necessary, seemed to forget his son was there most of the time, and left on business trips near constantly. Eventually Hayden learnt (through some rather sneaky eavesdropping) that the only reason his father had taken him in in the first place was to please Hayden’s stepmother. Apparently, Cheryl, or ‘Cherry’ as she insisted everyone call her, was practically begging Raphael for a baby, and seeing as Raphael had very little time or desire for having a child he decided that having a twelve year old around was better than an infant. Hayden was hurt to learn the truth about his father’s desire to take him in, and even attempted to run away in a fit of anger. But he was very quickly found by some of his father’s security and brought back to his father’s expansive home before he could get very far, and every attempt following the first resulted in much of the same thing.

Eventually Hayden gave up on running away. His father was rarely home long enough for Hayden to demonstrate how much he loathed him anyways, and within the walls of his father’s home Hayden was at least clothed and fed. He resented his father and longed to run away back to his godmother’s home but unfortunately his father’s home was a long way away from Santa Monica.

So Hayden started to build a life for himself where he was, and that life started with school. Even without being the kid in school who’s mom brought the best snacks, Hayden was still quite popular in school, and for the most part that was due to baseball. Hayden had always played baseball, ever since he was young and his mother used to bring plates full of orange slices to his peewee games (the Marins had always been a baseball family. Screw football or hockey, if it wasn’t on a baseball diamond they didn’t care about it). Hayden also had the good fortune of actually being very talented. So when Hayden tried out for catcher on his high school team he got the position very easily, and was even bumped up to first string to boot. Although some of the upper year students weren’t particularly happy about a freshman making first string, a lot of the colleges were. Hayden’s talent was noticed and sought after from the time he was about halfway through his sophomore year, and his near prodigy level skill was even featured in some local sports magazines and the local newspaper. Despite knowing that the magazines likely wouldn’t have cared about Hayden’s skill if he wasn’t going to one of the most well known private schools in the state, Hayden’s ego still inflated a bit at the recognition.

For a few years that’s all Hayden’s life was. Playing baseball, hanging out and partying with friends, and occasionally having to deal with his father and stepmother when the situation called for it. It wasn’t the best life, and Hayden wasn’t exactly happy but it was all Hayden really had, so he did his best to make do with it. In all honesty at that point the thing that made Hayden happiest was his team. While Hayden’s home life was broken, his team helped him find the community he craved. Playing baseball and being part of a team made Hayden feel that he belonged somewhere, like he was wanted somewhere, and Hayden clung to that sensation gratefully.

But when Hayden was about halfway through his junior year things rapidly went downhill. You have to be a level 10 friend to unlock what happened there because I honestly don’t think Hayden has talked about it since the night it happened, but basically all you need to know is that a series of events happened one night that led to Hayden basically being thrown out of his home that very same night and disowned, full stop. 

Hayden’s only saving grace was that his father was too proud to let his son live on the streets. Raphael set Hayden up with his own apartment near his school, and paid for Hayden’s rent and expenses. However, he did so without communicating with Hayden even once, and it was very clear that Hayden had essentially been disowned. When Hayden was eighteen the money stopped, and Hayden moved out of the apartment. Hayden and Raphael haven’t really talked since.

Hayden got into university on a full baseball scholarship, despite all the chaos. He leaned heavily on his chosen family, his baseball team, throughout that difficult interim between being kicked out and graduating, and during that time he threw himself into baseball with such vigor and intensity that he impressed more than a few of the scouts circling around him. He ended up choosing NYU because it was the school that was the farthest away, and although Hayden didn’t want to be far from his hometown and his mother’s grave, he did want a fresh start away from his father and Cherry.

Hayden university experience was unremarkable but very significant to him. In fact, the fact that it was mostly unremarkable is what made it so special to him. For the most part, Hayden was pretty close to completely happy. He became captain of the baseball team his second year, made lifelong friends in his team and his frat, and eventually achieved his ultimate goal, getting recruited onto a professional baseball team in his junior year. Hayden graduated early with a degree in business, proud of his accomplishments, and finally feeling as if he was breaking through a barrier of tragedy through his life. He was finally approaching his happy ending.

But of course it didn’t last. Hayden played for the New York Yankees for almost two years, (and was damn good at it too) before he injured his shoulder in a game. The injury was serious enough that his future in baseball seemed to just sudden became nonexistent. In a moment, a split second really, all of Hayden’s dreams that he had just barely reached suddenly crumbled in his hands. Disappeared into fucking nothing. It was like god had it out for him. Hayden didn’t take it well.

After the doctor’s final diagnosis (a solemn gaze behind wire rimmed glasses, a fucking clipboard that Hayden wasn’t allowed to see, stainless steel, the smell of death, god Hayden fucking hated hospitals), Hayden stayed in New York because even if he wasn’t living out his dream, well he had nowhere else to go. He went on a bit of a bender though. Drinking, partying, drugs, girls, guys – you name it, Hayden indulged in all of his vices in an attempt to find comfort. Some friends he made through the years tried to get into touch with him (and some very notably didn’t) but Hayden never really did much more than go through the motions with any of it. ‘I’m fine’ quickly became an automated response, one he didn’t even have to think about, one he would give whether drunk or high or completely and utterly lost– Because he was. He was fine. Anyone who thought differently could get fucked.

Hayden bought the club on a whim. His time in the league meant he had more than a bit of money saved, and since the place was for sale and Hayden liked to party, he figured it was a no brainer. He’s owned the place for almost three years now, and it’s actually been surprisingly successful. Hayden’s status of ‘former baseball player’ was enough notoriety to get people to show up, and the fact that the place was actually more than decent kept them coming. Hayden treats the club like more of a hobby than an actual business, too busy with his extracurricular activities to have more than a passing interest in it but… it’s fun. And well. It’s not like he has anything else to do.

Hayden also moved into 5.1 on a whim just over three years ago, mostly to make sure there were people around him in case he happened to drop dead one day yk, a precaution. He lived by himself for a while before that while he was in the league and after his injury but honestly Hayden is a big extrovert, he hates being alone, and living by himself in the huge ass loft he used to own just made him feel more lonely. So he responded to the first ‘roommate wanted’ ad he could find and now here he is. He honestly has enough money that he doesn’t need to be there, but he likes the company so he’s sticking around. 

PERSONALITY / HEADCANNONS ;

Hayden, is as the kids say… a fuckboi, probably

He is very loyal, like he cares a lot about his own but anyone outside of his circle he’s kind of indifferent to. Like he’s friendly, and almost pleasant but like… he does not really care about them yk, there’s a distinct lack of like sincerity in the way he treats his friends vs randos (or even ‘friends’)

Morally grey to the max

A very good liar, who lies often. Can be very manipulative but he doesn’t have a reason to be lately, so he mostly just manipulates business partners.

LOVES messing with people. It’s like crack to him

Very sarcastic

Will sleep with anyone he’s attracted to tbh. Bisexual, and very comfortable with it by now. Used to be kind of iffy with it when he was playing professionally, but now that he’s got no chance of ever being a pro again and the paps have pretty much left him alone he gives no fucks.

Actually pretty clever, hence the whole actually being able to own a successful business thing.

Might bake for the roommates of 5.1 if they’re nice to him and he’s actually really freaking good at it like he learned from his mom, and honestly baking highkey reminds him of her so he doesn’t do it too often. 

Lowkey his dream is to go back to santa barbara and run his mom’s bakery (his dad sold the place but hayden bought it back as soon as he had the money) but since he kind of considers himself a failure and disappointment to his mom at this point his bitch ass doesn’t think he deserves to yet, so he’s staying in new york for a while. 

Hates hospitals with a passion. Would rather die than go to one willingly. When Hayden is sick he just voluntarily suffers. 

Oh, and Hayden’s club is named Omnia and friends get in for free so feel free to hit him up for a good time.

WANTED CONNECTIONS ; 

i would love a bromance for hayden honestly that would be fun 

a godsibling! hayden used to be v close to his godmother so this could be fun too

someone who he has a bad influence on? someone who’s a good influence on him? 

one night stand! maybe they didn’t even realize they were going to be living in the same apartment complex at first but then they found out and it was like oh shit 

fwbs or ewbs

a secret fling could be a fun thing to play out!

a hateship. like they bicker all the time and they really wanna wring each other’s necks, just give me some good old fashion animosity.

someone who frequents his club maybe, perhaps he’s always kicking them out or perhaps they’re always partying together.

maybe an ex that he was dating during his time playing professionally (can be f/m/nb) that Hayden ended things with when he got his injury and moved to New York? Fun drama. 

Some friends from college would be cool too if anyone went to NYU.

omg that reminds me i have a headcannon that Hayden dated the first and only person he ever loved in college and they broke his fucking heart so if anyone wants to play that out and dive head first into some angst with me then lemme know. 

TAKEN CONNECTIONS ;

dolly = little sister he never wanted / soft spot 

kitty = work wife / flirtationship / friend from college

jac = ex fwb / ride or die 

art = bad influence / haaaave you met ted? 

juliette = good influence / in house nurse 

chris = bromance / friend from cali 

[little-misses-lee]

Diagnosis.

Getting diagnosed with long term conditions can be challenging. 

I have been completely pulled apart physically and emotionally by medical professionals. My first distrust came from when I was a child and I had my first experience with an A&E department. I had migraines as a child and one day at my grandparents house I had a migraine (at least now that is what I know it was, back then I had no idea). I woke up from a nap with a lot of pain, a feeling of pins and needles in my head and neck and blurred/double vision. And I remember the doctor telling my dad that I was likely putting it on. Many years on and I had more of the same to come. 

My Temporomandibular Joint Disorder diagnosis was honestly a pretty easy conclusion, I had all the normal symptoms and an amazing dentist who I have seen since I was a toddler. He took xrays and immediately helped me get a referral to a specialist dental hospital. 

Cluster Headaches. So many people have suffered for so long before finally getting their diagnosis. It is common for it to take many years before they find out what is going on. There is very little education on this condition, so much misinformation, so many people claiming ‘to have had a cluster headache once’, not realising this is a serious neurological condition. I was fortunate, I started having attacks and very quickly sought medical help. It was speaking to a relatively newly qualified Doctor who recalled being given very brief information about Cluster Headaches during her time training. I was referred to a neurologist, then to headache specialist neurologists who confirmed my diagnosis and organised for me to have Sumatriptan Injections and Home Oxygen to use as abortives for my attacks, So much more education is needed. 

Getting a diagnosis of Functional Neurological Disorder was incredibly traumatic. It was in a hospital admission situation. After scans, examinations, blood tests etc I had a doctor telling me that this was an emotional issue, despite me having found a job I loved, was in a relationship that at the time I was happy in, and having no major concerns in my life. I was left in pain, devastated, told I may never be able to walk again and then treated like a liar, crying in a hospital bay alone for days. I was tormented by a physiotherapist. I felt incredibly alone, I was sent home not any better than when I went into the hospital, not knowing whether I would spend the rest of my life in a wheelchair, but I was fortunate, I was able to improve, some never do. 

I had been in chronic pain for a long time, came down with what seemed like a very bad cold, having fevers, nausea and vomiting. This stopped after about 3 weeks, but from that point I never felt much better. I was suffering unbelievable fatigue, I could spend days asleep and other times I was unable to sleep more than an hour a night or would not sleep for days at a time. I was finding it hard to remember things, struggling to think of words or how to do things. Over the next year or so I found myself regularly coming down with colds, infections, having episodes of vomiting and nausea and a general feeling of illness all the time. I was at the doctors so regularly begging for their help. Telling them how much pain I was in, how I couldn’t cope with the insomnia, the exhaustion. Asking them to help me in any way they possibly could. I trialled many medications, was put on pain killers including opiates. It seemed to be going nowhere. I was then told by someone who after hearing my symptoms informed me about a documentary called ‘Unrest’ by  Jennifer Brea. I sat crying for hours, it was everything I had been feeling and experiencing. The next time I saw my doctor it was mentioned, I was upset but so relieved. He diagnosed me with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and Fibromyalgia. It has still been a battle trying to get myself the assistance I need. I have had to self refer for physiotherapy and beg still to get more specialist help and have only just been told I can be referred to a Rheumatologist. 

Despite everything I still want to believe that everyone who joins the medical profession, does so because they care, because they have compassion for others and want to make a difference. But unfortunately its not always the case. I live in hope for a better tomorrow. 

[mschelseastone]

For as long as I can remember, I’ve known my grandpa was a child molester. Now he’s dead, and I have no idea how to mourn.

I knew my grandpa was a child molester before I knew what that really meant. When I was told he had raped children, I thought it meant he hit someone over the head with a rake. However, it didn’t matter that I fully understood from the start, because I knew that 1) my parents would never, ever leave me alone with him and 2) I needed to be careful around him.

He knew that I knew, and he understood why I knew. Unlike many abusers, he owned up to what he had done. I know for a fact that he apologized to his main victim and told her it wasn’t her fault. Until the end, he knew there was a dark part of him that had done horrible things, and it was important to him to be a good person now in an attempt to make up for it.

For me, there is a benefit to seeing the good in him, even though he was a child molester. That said, I know some people refuse to see humanity in people who do such things, because, in their mind, they don’t deserve the humanity after what they did. I completely understand that, and I have zero urge to change the mind of those people. Still, for me, I need to see both sides.

He has taken responsibility for his actions to at least one of his victims. He has taken an active role in numerous churches throughout the years (he was a preacher for some time), and many people have said he helped them in that way. He and his wife took in and raised numerous grandchildren when their parents could not. And, he was one of the first people to accept someone in my family that is transgender and call that person by the proper pronouns.

There are many wonderful things he did in his life, and I’m so glad he was able to do these things. After he died, I wrote on my Instagram:

“Thank you for trying so hard to be good, even when so much of you had been bad. Thank you for the good things you did do.”

Still, I refuse to let his bad side be a footnote. I don’t think the bad side of people always needs to be remembered after death – we all have flaws – but this is different. This is child molestation.

With one of his victim’s permission, I will reveal that I know her well. She’s my mom. His daughter.

I hate, more than anything, that this happened to her. Her life was permanently affected and harmed by his actions, and it kills me. I don’t want to erase the good things he did, and I’m not trying to ruin his legacy. Still, we cannot ignore what he did. He molested children. His own daughter. He did not forget, and neither can we.

But what do I do with this knowledge? What do I do with the memory of him in my mind? What do I do now that he’s gone?

I always want to assign meaning to things. This happened, but I learned this from it, so it had a purpose. What is there to learn from this? Maybe there’s nothing, and maybe that’s okay. Still, I need to cope with it. How do I cope? How do I reconcile these competing feelings? This feeling of missing a loving old man, and this feeling of hating the younger version of that man.

(Full disclosure: I’m in therapy, and my therapist is helping me with these feelings, of course. That said, I’m a writer, and writing it out is also necessary for me. So here I am.)

My grandpa’s funeral was by far the most disturbing funeral I’ve ever attended, and it, surprisingly, has little to do with the fact that he molested children. Both of my father’s parents passed away when I was a teenager, so this was the third grandparent’s funeral I’ve attended. I flew in from California to attend and be with my family. The funeral was important to me. I wanted to hear stories about him, and I wanted to hear about the positive impact he had on others. I wanted that small feeling of closure that I’ve previously gotten from funerals.

I didn’t get that, because this funeral was a recruitment for the church my grandpa had attended in the last ten years of his life. It’s hard to talk about this, because, honestly, it was incredibly disturbing to me. I was shaking during the funeral. I’ve had stress dreams about it. I’m full of anger when I remember the funeral. I feel like closure was stolen from me.

My grandpa was incredibly religious, so I absolutely expected religion to be a large part of his funeral. In fact, I wanted that for him. I find that religion can be incredibly peaceful to discuss. Personally, I am not religious, but I absolutely see, respect, and appreciate the benefit of religion for those who are religious. Additionally, I believe that the majority of churches would not have done something like this. This is not something where I am now upset with religion in general; I am upset with the preacher of this one specific church. The members of that congregation were incredibly kind to us, so I hold nothing against them either. Just him.

On an unrelated note, I have huge problems with cults, churches with dangerous practices, and closed-mindedness, but that’s not the current topic of discussion.

The funeral had a few good moments, but all of them came from other people telling stories about my grandpa. One of my cousins went up and spoke, and I’m so happy that he did that. You could see his love for our grandpa. You could see how my grandpa positively affected him. I love that, and I think many of us needed that.

The rest of the funeral consisted of the preacher trying to get us to go to his church. He told us that many of us would never see my grandpa again, because my grandpa will be in Heaven, and we don’t have a good enough relationship with Jesus to go to Heaven. He raised his voice at us and yelled at us for not doing enough to go to Heaven. He told us that my grandpa had given him the names of immediate family members that he worried would go to Hell, and, if we think our name was one of them, we need to talk to him [the preacher] immediately. He even made us all close our eyes and raise our hands if what he had said made us want to attend his church. The entire thing felt like being lectured for not being a member of his congregation. At the very least, we were being yelled at and demeaned for not being good enough. It was disturbing and upsetting.

If he wants to preach that way at his church, I’m cool with it. No one is forced to go to his church, as far as I can tell. That said, this was a funeral, and his method hurt me a lot.

Now, I’m not going to pretend to be perfect. We had food at the preacher’s church after the funeral, and I called a lady a cunt in that House of God. Is that out of character for me? Yes. I like the word cunt, but I don’t normally say it to people’s faces. But hey, shit happens. I called a lady a cunt in that church, and I think she deserved it. I’d do it again.

(It’s a long story, but the “cunt” was a distant family member who told my aunt – my grandpa’s legally adopted daughter – that she had no right being at the funeral. My aunt, who my grandpa loved and was happy to see and spend time with every time she came to visit. My aunt, who was crying throughout the funeral, heartbroken. This “cunt” tried to start drama at my grandpa’s funeral by hurting my aunt. She was a cunt, and I wasn’t having it. I’ve worked through therapy to become very good at communication. I’ve worked to not be “reactive” and immediately act on any anger I may feel. But hey, you act like a cunt to my family when we’re going through some shit, and I may call you a cunt in a church. Sorry, but I’m truly not sorry.)

I’m not religious, but if there’s a God, I believe he’s full of love. If there’s a God, I have no doubt in my mind that he would love me and would consider me a good person. I have plenty of flaws, but I try incredibly hard to help and love and understand others. I want to make the world a better place. It’s my goal in life. I don’t believe in God or Heaven, but if those things exist…you know, I’m not worried about it. Because God wouldn’t care that I didn’t believe. He would care about my heart, and he would know my heart without me having to praise Jesus every Sunday. (Again, if you praise Jesus every Sunday and that works for you – yay!! I would never judge that. Live with love and respect, and we’re good. Religion is not for me, and I find that most religious people respect that, and I hope anyone reading this will respect that too.)

The preacher who led the funeral said my grandpa had told him what he [my grandpa] had done in the past, but that it didn’t matter. The preacher said that all sins are the same. If you’ve sinned, but you love Jesus (particularly the way he believes you should love Jesus), you’re going to Heaven. If you���re good, but don’t love Jesus or worship God – see you in hell! I’m paraphrasing, but that was the message of the funeral.

I don’t think my grandpa actually believed that. I don’t think he would have liked the message delivered during his funeral, even if he sat in church every Sunday and heard something similar himself. I interviewed my grandpa after his diagnosis, and one of my favorite quotes that came from that interview was this:

“You know, the doctrinal church I don’t like. I like the bible church. The bible church is where I read it and interpret it, and the lord shows me what’s real. I think a lot of times, with church today, they got too many laws. They’re still living old testament laws and not living new testament love.”

This brings me back to the fact that my grandpa was a child molester. He didn’t forget that, and we can’t forget it either. Another quote from the interview was this:

“My story is hard to fathom what – you know – I just can’t see any good. Whenever I – I’ll give you something here, I haven’t shared with anyone. I’ll share it now, because you asked. In December of this year, whenever – before I found out about what’s going on with the cancer and everything – I had a thought in my head – what value am I? Who would miss me if I was gone? That was in December. And then, this came up December 31st. I’ve seen that now. That I’d be missed.”

I do miss him. I wish he could have lived longer. I wish he wouldn’t have gotten cancer. I wish he could be at my wedding in two years. I wish he could have come to California to see the ocean again before he died. Still, seeing only good things about him in his death disturbs me. I can’t say it enough: I cannot and will not forget what he did.

Shortly after my grandpa’s diagnosis of stage four cancer, another bombshell dropped, but I can’t reveal that at this time. Let’s just say, it somehow complicates things EVEN MORE.

I don’t know what to do with this situation. I don’t know how to mourn him and his life in the way that works best for me. Child molestation is incredibly prominent. I’m not knowledgeable on the statistics, but I know that I’ve met a LOT of people affected by it. I don’t know what to do about it, but I know it has affected me and people I love (though, fortunately, it didn’t happen to me), and I know I need to talk about this. I just don’t know what to say.

He was a complicated man. I feel like that is accurate, but also a complete understatement. I don’t want to diminish what he did. He’s a rapist. He’s a child rapist. He’s not just complicated, it’s much deeper than that. I don’t want to erase that. I don’t want the message of this to be like “well, we’re all complicated, and I mean, sure, he raped kids, but he said sorry!” It isn’t okay.

So, is it okay to somehow still see him as a human? Not for some people, and I get that. It’s difficult for me to do so, because seeing child molesters and murderers as human feels dangerous. But it also feels dangerous to ignore it – because then, you look at someone who does legitimately wonderful things, and it feels impossible that they could have done bad things. They donate money to charities. They helped you through the hardest part of your life. But then, you learn that they’ve done something unforgiveable. How do we appreciate the good while still recognizing that people can do (and sometimes have done) unforgiveable things? How do we recognize the humanity without diminishing the crime?

I don’t know the right balance. I don’t know the answer to this problem.

So, what have I learned? Has this taught me something that I can use in my life going forward? I can’t answer the questions in the above paragraphs, but I know they’re worth discussing. I believe we need to talk about this and recognize the complexity of it. We need to look into this so that hopefully we can do something about something. We need to talk about these things.

Still, I always want a concrete answer or lesson learned, even though I recognize, logically, that there isn’t always an answer or lesson learned. I want to be able to say “so, let’s talk about it, and then we can ______!” But I don’t have something to put in that blank.

I interviewed my grandpa in his final months, and I loved talking to him. When we talked, I put together a timeline of the events in his life. I’m so happy I have that. He talked about being hospitalized in a mental institution in his youth, before his first marriage. We talked about how mental health treatment has improved greatly in recent years and how important that is. That conversation meant a lot to me. I told him, for the first time, about my mental issues (diagnosed OCD and general anxiety – treated with therapy and medication). He told me how some of his mental behaviors had been focused on obsession as well. I love that we had that conversation. We bonded over that, and I will always cherish that conversation.

He also told me that he was proud of me. He was proud of me for chasing my dreams and never settling. He told me that I did things right, unlike him. I started college at 16 and ended up with a Bachelor’s Degree at 20. Then I moved to Los Angeles, literally days after my graduation, and I’ve been here since, pursuing a writing career. He started college at 16, dropped out, joined the military, and ended up in a mental institution.

I truly believe I was successful where he was not because of how mental health is treated today compared to how it was back then in the late 50s and early 60s. I had advantages that he did not.

That said – he molested children. That’s another level. I don’t know how to fit that into the mental health discussion. I don’t know how to reconcile any of it.

The last words he said to me were “I have a beautiful granddaughter.” I cry when I think about it. I cry when I think about him being proud of me. I cry because I miss him.

These are the things on my mind right now. A part of me wants to keep searching for answers to my questions. I want to read what others have written about these ideas. I want to try to solve it like it’s a math problem. Another part of me wants to leave it on the page and free myself from thinking about it all.

I’m not sure which way I’ll end up going.

I know this though: I’m allowing myself to love who he was in his later years, even though I remain disgusted by the actions of his youth. I haven’t found the best way for me to balance those two things, but I’m working on it. I know he loved me. I know he saw good in me. I know, because he told me.

I also know he wasn’t sitting on his porch giving his preacher the names of family members he thinks are going to Hell so that his preacher could shame them later.

Chelsea

PS. This felt out of place in the post above, but I can’t help but mention that this year has been a lot to handle in general. In addition to the above, my fiancé and I also both lost our consistent jobs this year, and I’m in more debt than ever. Also, a month before my grandpa passed away, my step-grandpa committed suicide. I wasn’t close with him, but he and I shared a love of Harry Potter, and I will miss him.

Fortunately, wonderful things have happened too. I got engaged to the love of my life. I’m tangibly making progress on the project that I hope will finally get me to break into the entertainment industry as a legitimate screenwriter. My fiancé is getting closer to achieving his dreams. I have spent valuable and meaningful time with my friends and family, and I love that.

PPS. I used to do background acting to make money, so a lot of my family members assume I’m an aspiring actress. I also did a semester of theater in college, but that was because of my dance background. Anyway, if you’re reading this – I love you, but I’ve never ever ever been an aspiring actress. However, I am a writer! I’ve been writing since I was 5 years old, and I’d love to tell you about that passion. Yay! I know this isn’t necessary to mention or related really, at all, but it’s a pet peeve of mine – I love writing so much, and it hurts that some people think it’s a second choice or something. Actors are awesome, it just isn’t for me. Hey! Like religion!

PPPS. If you try to tell me that religion can help me through what I’m going through, you didn’t get the point of all of this. I love that religion helps others! I respect that it is for you. That said, I know myself, and it isn’t for me. Please respect that.

[first-time-mom-and-college]

Overwhelmed and Annoyed

So, update on everything. I am jumping through a ton of hoops to try and fix my residency at my school. I have to get a new license and have to jump through multiple different hoops for that. I am trying to get a job to help cover our expenses. Our son is probably going to start daycare in the next couple of weeks, and honestly, I’m not sure I am ready. Finally, i learned tonight that my boyfriend and his parents were keeping something from me regarding our son. 

The hoops for school residency are tied to me having a license from a different state. To remedy that, I am trying to get a license in this state. Because I have a foreign birth certificate, I am having to jump through hoops that may result in me having to prove that I am a citizen. With the way the country is going, I am a little worried about not having technical citizen papers will cause me to be deported to a country that I haven’t been too since I was adopted. But all of this is what is overwhelming me, and I don’t really know where to begin this process. 

However, when it comes to the new obstacles or challenges that comes with being a first time mom, I feel very sad and annoyed. I’m sad because even though there are rough days with my son [like today], I still am not ready to not get to spend so much time with him. I mean, he is just about three months old, and even though I don’t start school for another month, I have to put him daycare as soon as possible to secure his spot. Those are days that I could be savoring that I’m giving up to insure that he will have a spot in daycare when I really need it. 

I am very annoyed and hurt by my boyfriend and his parents right now. He told me tonight that his parents have given my son some mashed potatoes when they were watching him. They had asked my boyfriend not to tell me because they were worried that I was going to freak out. However, right now, I’m just upset. 

I don’t understand how they can justify keeping something like that from me. There are just so many reasons why this is disrespectful to me.

First, I had told them specifically that I didn’t want to introduce real foods until he was a little older [even if my son is built like he is closer to 4 months old]. 

Secondly, they went against how I was choosing to raise my son.

Third, they didn’t tell me about it when they did this.

Finally, they asked their son to keep this from me, and he did for the last few weeks.

How could they do this to me? They have known me for years, and if they knew me as well as I thought they did, they would have known that hiding it from me does far more damage than just being honest with me.

I just feel like I was robbed of seeing my baby experience his first food. I know it wasn’t a lot, but it is one of those things that I was looking forward too. I also feel like they disrespected me, and didn’t take me seriously as my role as my son’s mother.

I understand that they have raised children before, and that giving my son a taste of solid foods probably wouldn’t hurt him. But, I am a first time mom. I should be able to try things myself and try to learn for myself before someone tries to fix it for me. I know how to ask for help when I have tried everything else, or simply don’t have any idea. But this small decision has really affected how I see them and our relationship. 

I have tried my best to not be the helicopter parent, and, honestly, my boyfriend can be worse than I am. Out of all the grandparents in my son’s life, they are the ones I trust the most with him. 

Now, I don’t feel like I can trust them in the same way. I wonder if they would tell me if they gave him anything else, like medicine. I feel like they are going to judge me on any other decisions, and if it is something they deem unnecessary and excessive, are they going to follow through with it? My boyfriend and I use an app that tracks our sons feedings, diaper changes, and naps throughout the day. It helps me know when something is off, but I haven never asked them to do the same thing. Especially since they found out we did that and laughed at us. 

These are the same parents that always joke that they can’t wait to give our child ice cream and hype him up and send him home to us. They complained when their parents did that with their son, so they are going to do the same thing with our son as payback. I think it’s twisted. I don’t understand why they don’t consider just giving us the respect they didn’t receive from their parents and break this endless cycle of payback for spoiling the grandkids.