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makeste · 4 years

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BnHA Chapter 305: Worst Intervention Ever

Previously on BnHA: Shinomori, whose name took me an entire week to memorize, was all, “nice to meet you Deku, I’m ten feet tall, do you want to know how I died?” and without waiting for an answer explained that he kicked it from old age at forty thanks to good ol’ OFA. Deku was all “wait a minute, then how come All Might, who’s fifty-five and is definitely dyeing his gray hair, is still alive?” First and Shino were all, “we really have no fucking clue but we think it’s cuz he’s quirkless, JUST LIKE YOU!” So basically, since quirkless people don’t exactly grow on trees these days, Deku is probably going to be the last user of OFA. The chapter ended with Nana being all, “psst, Deku, about my grandson. Uh, can you kill him?” which is sure to lead to a very interesting conversation this week.

Today on BnHA: Nana And The Gang are all “so, Deku, how can we put this delicately. The thing is, we’re pretty sure that AFO really fucked my grandson up, so on the off chance you can’t save him, how would you feel about, you know... [throat slitting gesture].” Deku is all “idk you guys, I kinda feel like he’s really just a traumatized child at heart and he’s in a lot of pain and stuff and so I should try to help him.” The Vestiges are all “BUT WHAT IF YOU CAN’T” and Deku is all “BUT I WANT TO TRY, DAMMIT” and the Vestiges are all “well when you put it that way, we, uh, were just testing you, so congrats, you passed!” The chapter ends with First being all, “ANYWAY SO WHY DON’T YOU TWO SHY BOYS STANDING OVER THERE IN THE SHADOWS COME SAY HELLO” before we CUT AWAY FOR ANOTHER WEEK, goddammit.

seriously, Nana

just... have you met Deku?? look, if you really want Tomura dead, just sic him on the U.A. first years and tell Shouto and Honenuki that it’s a training exercise

oh my god lmao

we’re too far away to see Nana’s face here so I will just assume that she turned and is staring DIRECTLY INTO THE CAMERA for this one line lmao. “I just wanted to clarify in case anyone felt inclined to take my dialogue out of context and spend an entire week complaining about it”

oh my god?! are you all purposely trying to make me sad??

someone stop me before I launch into an impromptu rant about all my Tomura feels. WHY IS NOBODY STOPPING ME. oh my god but yes, exactly. he’s just in pain all the time. this is exactly why I think Tomura has such high redemption potential even though so far he seems to lack so many of the redemption arc essentials such as feeling remorse, wanting to change, and taking responsibility for his actions. the reason why I’m willing to overlook all that in his case is because Tomura has essentially had zero agency his entire life. AFO molded him into a killer by making sure he was in constant mental agony, and making it so that the only thing that even slightly relieved that agony was killing peeps. like, please don’t think I’m making excuses for him or anything, but if you take a child and manipulate their existence to make it virtually impossible for that child to grow up as anything other than a killer, and basically never give him the chance to be anything else, then no shit he’s gonna be a killer?? he’s basically never had the choice not to be. it’s never been an option for him. anyways I feel like I am EXPLAINING MYSELF SO BADLY but nonetheless I am prepared to die on this hill

anyway so now Nana is all “that’s a rhetorical question btw because Our Hearts And Minds Are One so we can feel everything you feel bro.” so yeah, that’s interesting

now Banjou is getting started on the “let’s try and talk Deku out of wanting to save Tomura because it’s insane” part of their OFA Mystical Space Void Reunion agenda

look, Banjou, I feel you, I really do. you guys don’t think it’s realistic that Deku can defeat Tomura without killing him. so if it’s a choice between killing Tomura vs letting Deku and everyone else in the entire world die, then duh, you think Deku should kill him. I get it! and if this were a real life mass murderer I’d totally agree with you. but the problem is that this isn’t real life, this is a sympathetic shounen villain with a tragic past who might as well have FUTURE REDEMPTION ARC RECEIPIENT stamped on his forehead at this point

so First is all “look, there’s absolutely no doubt my brother has fucked this kid up good and proper by now”, which, again, fair

though, that’s kind of exactly my point though. everything that Tomura is, everything he’s done, he’s done because of AFO. AFO has so effectively shaped his personality and his worldview by this point that it’s all but impossible to penetrate that. he’s AFO’s puppet. but the problem is that rather than treating him like a victim, you all are treating him like a casualty. like he’s already a lost cause. but good luck trying to convince Deku of that

WHOA WHAT, RANDOM SUPER-IMPORTANT AND BIZARRELY UNRELATED EXPOSITION DROPPED IN JUST LIKE THAT??

way to still not reveal Sixth’s name, btw. THE PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW, DAMMIT. but also so this confirms something we basically already knew already, which is that not even AFO can steal OFA. it literally can’t be taken away by anyone unless the owner wills it. SO SUCK ON THAT AFO YOU EGG

(ETA: so I have no idea why this was omitted from this translation, but apparently the Sixth’s name was revealed as “En”, which is obviously not his full name but at least it’s something. also he most likely has a fire or smoke-related quirk based on the kanji used, 煙.)

so Banjou is saying that Deku’s “lack of an iron will” could be a disadvantage against AFO. hahaha what?? Midoriya “I’ll break all of my bones without blinking an eye just to protect someone” Izuku lacks an iron will? do tell

he says this is going to be a test of Deku’s determination. well yeah, no shit. but just not in the way you guys think

OH HELLO AGAIN

darker hair again here! but I don’t trust the contrast in these scans at all after last week. his coveralls are way darker than they looked before too, and you can clearly see he’s standing in the shadows now

(ETA: yep, once again the raw shows that his hair is considerably lighter than what’s shown in these scans here. although there’s no mistaking now that his hair is consistently being colored in this slightly darker shade, and it’s not just the lighting.)

anyways lol First was saying something about how AFO can’t steal OFA, and they’ve spent all this time cultivating it as the ultimate weapon against AFO, and blah blah blah. go on then, keep lecturing

NANA GODDAMMIT NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

girl what?? you did everything in your power to protect your family, and AFO, fucked up man that he is, targeted them anyway. there is one person and one person only to blame for what’s happened to Tomura, and that potato-faced asshole needs a good kick in the balls

NANA GODDAMMIT DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE

SO HELP ME GOD!! I WILL GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST HUG YOU’VE EVER HAD!! THAT IS A THREAT

so now Nana is all “I’m just going to call my grandson a Thing to ensure that fandom has only the freshest, grass-fed no-hormones-added discourse this week”

I don’t even need to drop into the tags to know exactly which specific people are going to respond to this, and what kind of posts they are going to write lmao. everyone’s all caught up in the “that thing”, and meanwhile I’m over here completely hung up on this “nay” that’s appeared out of NOWHERE you guys. look at that. she really said “NAY”

Nana, my love, my dearest, I feel you girl I really do. but he’s not an unforgivable manifestation of pure evil, Deku is exactly right actually, he’s a boy in pain. you guys need to stop questioning Deku’s shounen protagonist instincts here and just let him work his sparkly magic. “let’s try and convince Midoriya Fucking Izuku that he can’t save someone” is a plan that is NEVER going to turn out well you guys

“DEKU GODDAMMIT WHAT IF WE CAN’T SAVE HIM” lmao it’s like an intervention

“DAMMIT DEKU JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A SAVING PEOPLE PROBLEM!”

RED ALERT IT’S ANOTHER CLOSE-UP OF THE BACK OF MISTER TWO BON CLAY’S HEAD OMG

(ETA: I was too distracted with freaking out about Two and Three to really appreciate how ridiculously handsome First looks in this panel. but on my second readthrough it stood out so much that I had to go back and add an extra bullet point just to talk about how hot he is. look at him. wtf.)

THAT IS DEFINITELY AN UNDERCUT. THE PLOT THICKENSSSS. also those are fucking exhaust vents on Mister Three’s neck. MISTER THREE COULD YOU POSSIBLY BE RELATED TO THE IIDAS, PLEASE TELL ME YOUR SECRETS I’M DYING OVER HERE

so now Deku is launching into what will undoubtedly be a “saving people problems require SAVING PEOPLE SOLUTIONS” heroic counter-speech!

I mean, they can already feel the “lol nah I’m gonna try and save him” feelings running through him lol. ~OuR hEaRtS aNd MiNdS aRe CoNnEcTeD~ and all that. this is just a formality, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love a good shounen protag speech

oh wait hold up, do you mean to tell me that the whole “hearts and minds are connected” thing I was just mocking just a paragraph ago actually allowed Deku to feel what Tomura was feeling?? like literally feel it??

YET AGAIN these Tomura feels are pounding on my front door you guys?? they just will not quit?? people my house is already full of feels, does it look like I need you to sell me any more of them?? -- what do you mean, they’re free??

AW YISS THAT’S IT DEKU. THAT’S SOME GOOD SPEECH RIGHT THERE

I appreciate the contrast here between the Douchebag Triumvirate of Overhaul, Muscular, and Stain versus the Misguided Twosome of Gentle and La Brava. never let it be said that Deku doesn’t know the difference between a redeemable villain and an unredeemable one

OH NO -- OH MY GOD

someone please help me I need directions to the OFA Spooky Galactic Nebula Realm in this fictional Japanese manga land. it’s not on google maps. I need to give these two babies a big hug and wrap them up in a blanket and treat them to some McDonalds Happy Meals please help

other things: (1) ENDEAVOR CHILLING OUT IN DEKU’S “PEOPLE I HOLD DEAR” PANEL LMAO NEON DISCOURSE EXTRAVAGANZA, (2) “ONE FOR ALL IS A POWER TO SAVE, NOT TO KILL” I’M ABOUT TO CRY DEKU I LOVE YOU SO MUCH HOW IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE TO FEEL ALL THIS LOVE, (3) [SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] THERE’S YOUR MOTHERFUCKING IRON WILL!!!!!!!! -- I’m sorry, please don’t call security, I’ll be good

I just randomly remembered that Deku is still saying all of this in his muffled “FMMPHHMMPHMM” voice and I’m somehow cracking up lol. so actually it’s a very good thing Their Hearts And Minds Are Connected, otherwise they’d no doubt be all, “...what?”

(ETA: so I completely missed this on account of it literally not being visible in the scan at all, but in the raw you can clearly see Baby Kacchan and Baby Shouto fanboying over All Might in two of these panels, and excuse me, ma’am??

thank you very much Deku for including them in your montage, particularly since you’ve never seen Baby Shouto before lol. amazingly accurate image you managed to conjure up, all things considered.)

SDKFJLSKHG -- AS IF ON CUE???

HE’S SO ADORABLE HELP?? Trippy Space All Might looks like he’s about to cry, and First is all “don’t crack a smile... you have to be Firm and Serious here... dammit, don’t smile” omg

anyways! YOU GO DEKU. “MY QUIRK MY RULES, BITCHES” damn, son

KLJLKKHLG TRIPPY SPACE ALL MIGHT LITERALLY ACTUALLY IS CRYING ALL MIGHT HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

“I JUST... [CLENCHES FIST] REALLY LOVE SAVING PEOPLE” FUCKING HELL LMAO THIS IS THE WORST INTERVENTION OF ALL TIME

Deku is literally all “sure, maybe I’ll have to kill him, but have you guys also considered, MAYBE NOT??” it’s no use Nana he’s too powerful

LMAO FIRST

“like I’ve been saying this whole time, you should definitely try saving Shigaraki Tomura.” “but, uh... First, didn’t you just -- ” “shut up”

(ETA: clearly it’s not just his brother who inherited those smooth-talking genes.)

so now Deku has turned back into a sixteen year old and his clothes have gone missing again. just OFA things

dskljdlsklgk

yes... sure... “testing” you...

HEY

FIRST OF ALL, DAMN YOU HORIKOSHI YOU MADE NANA CRY. even if I’m pretty sure they’re actually tears of happiness/relief. and SECOND OF ALL, “TELL MY BOYFRIEND I SAID HI” DJSKDLKJJL ANYWAY MAYBE GRAN, NANA, AND MR. SHIMURA WERE IN A THROUPLE

[SCREAMS]

WHY WOULD YOU END IT THERE?? WHY WOULD YOU END IT THERE!!!!!

(ETA: and two-to-one odds that we cut away to some other scene once they finally start to turn around next week. I’M CALLING IT NOW. giving myself a week to brace myself for the rage.)

fucking hell. well if anyone needs me I will be adding Horikoshi fucking Kouhei to the list of irredeemable villains, peace

#bnha 305 #midoriya izuku #shigaraki tomura #shimura tenko #shimura nana #ofa the first #banjou daigorou #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #'deku. sweetheart. your other vestiges and I just want what's best for you'#'have you tried... *not* saving people?'#only to backpedal SPECTACULARLY when he was all 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOT SAVING THEM'#yeah okay guys #you're not fooling anyone #but it's okay I still love you

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stars-trash-18 · 4 years

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Adventures of Mando and his emotional GF

I’m so sorry for everything being posted as late as it is but depression is a bitch and I managed to kick her out long enough to write this. I’m surprised I got as many notes as I have been on this story but I forget we go feral for men in masks who are absolute units.

I everything spaced the way it is because my eyes can’t read large paragraphs close together, it bleeds together, so sorry if it’s annoying and maybe a little wrong in writing terms, also I hid a reference in this chapter-

Mando hired you for the sole purpose of keeping his antique flying, yet here you are sitting in the co-pilot’s seat rewiring the nav system while the child is in a crawl space doing your job of trying to get the control panel working. , “Mando tell me again why you put a literal toddler into the wall to do a job you pay me to do, correction did pay me to do,” you stated, using the space tape to keep a lever from going in the wrong direction.

Mando gumbled something before trying the panel again, “because he’s the only one small enough to fit, he has less of a chance of getting stuck and causing more problems,” he seethed. You knew he was more angry at the beeping panel than you, but you still glared at him for the tone he took with you. Before you could say anything he left the seat and went to check the child. “Now, you’re going to plug that red wire where the blue wire goes on the board, don’t let them touch their opposite charges and will electrocute you,”. Was this man seriously explaining electrical engineering to a toddler, a toddler you didn’t know if he was color-blind or not?

“Mando my dear I don’t think the child knows his colors yet much less basic electrical engineering, now stop acting like my dad trying to teach me and let the person with an actual degree do it,” as soon as the words left your mouth you heard the tell tale sound of somebody being slightly electrocuted and smoke puffing out. Without even thinking you jumped out of your seat and shoved the tin can away to pull the child towards you in a motherly embrace, cradling him into your chest as you rocked him slightly. More for your sake than his since he was giggling. Mando just stared at you, you thought because you were crazy, but really because he had never loved you more than in that moment.

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Mando set course for Nevarro while you prepared what was left of the broth, when Mando finally came down you turned your back to him so he could eat, he started to take his helmet off just enough to let his mouth stick out so long as you sat back to back during meals. You loved that you finally trusted each other enough to eat your meals together instead of in separate rooms like you used to. Even though you tried to get him to use a straw but he was a stubborn mudhorn, much like the signet on his shoulder and around your neck.

Your thoughts were interrupted by Mando, “Cyar’ika why do you never call me Din, you know it’s my birth name but you still call me mando?” he asked quietly, you almost missed it. The question startled you at first but it made you soften realising he sounded a little insecure, you entwined your fingers in his before answering.

“Your true name was revealed against your wish, the man who destroyed your people revealed it without your consent, so I don’t say it since you never gave me consent to say it, because where i’m from we have a public name and a true name, the true name is only revealed to partners and family and that requires consent,” you paused to take a breath, his hand squeezed your tightly as encouragement, “so until you give me consent to use your true name i’ll call you by your nickname,” you finished.

The silence between you two was thick and heavy but a chuckle sliced through it like a hot blade, “Cyar’ika I had no idea but you had permission to use it the moment the I gave you that signet necklace, in Mandalorian culture the signet is a sort of family crest, so we’re technically family.” He explained, nervousness tingling near the end at the mention of family. It took a minute for it to dawn on you that in a sense you were married.

“Din Djarin did we get married without my knowledge!” you shrieked, shocking both of you with the use of his full name rolling off your tongue. To Din it was music to his ears, but to you it was so much more. On your home planet, from what you remembered from your short 14 years there, saying somebody's true name for the first time was often in a loving manner, not to scold like you just did, and was a moment of great emotion for both parties. But Mando, Din you had to mentally correct yourself, just turned around and hugged you with his melodic laugh ringing in your ears.

“No cyar’ika we did not, I would have made sure you knew and proposed, Aliit ori’shya tal’din, family is more than blood so we aren’t married but you are my clan,” he explained resting his chin on your shoulder. “You mentioned earlier your father, would you mind telling me about him?” he asked patiently, giving you the option to close him out. Din had told you about his parents once and it moved you to tears, you had wanted to talk about your parents but you never thought of a good time.

You took a deep breathe before starting, “ my father was a flight engineer and my mother was a diplomat, they met on one of her diplomatic trips to Naboo and had me before the clone wars,” you gripped onto Din’s hand before continuing, “I only knew my parents for a few short years before my mother died during the Siege of Mandalore when her ship was mistaken for a Republican transporter, and my father died shortly after I turned twelve and a ship’s engine blew,” you muttered, as you had spoken Din pulled you into a tighter embrace, placing the child into your lap so you could stroke his ears.

“From what I remember my mother taught me various things of diplomacy like how to blend in or stand out, to notice weaknesses or strengths, and how to negotiate deals,” you laughed remembering one of her anecdotes she’d say in her haughty voice, “everything is negotiable nova, if they say it isn’t then they want something you have, she’d always tell me during these lessons,” you remarked before continuing, “my father was who I spent more time with, we’d always run off into my mother’s ship and take everything apart so I could put it back together, our hands n faces covered in grease and our hair always frizzy from the many times I electrocuted myself or going to the junk yard so I could learn how to repurpose parts from one ship to another.” you began to tear up remembering your parents and how they taught you how to survive in their own ways,how your mother always fretted over your clothing whenever a festival happened in town, your father cooking enough to feed an army so your mother would have a taste of home on her work trips, and how they always called you their little supernova.

Before Din could say anything the alert that you had arrived at Nevarro went off, making you both jump up to prepare for landing, already knowing you’d have to strap yourselves down for the rough landing.

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When you both touched down and were greeted by Cara and Greef, who promptly took the child from your arms like a grandfather would, You reluctantly let other engineers go near the ship, a weird feeling settling in your stomach but dissipating when Din took your hand. The man never showed PDA until recently, and you weren’t complaining the least bit being as touch-starved as you were, and promptly made your way into town.

“Mando what the hell happened to your ship,” Cara asked once they were out of the child’s earshot, said child’s eyes caught something in the market and Greef excitedly showed him the stall, you giggled at the question hearing Mando give his signature sigh.

“Had a run in with the Republic,” he answered briskly, causing you to hit his arm before turning to Cara.

“More like Mando wouldn’t stop getting holes blown in the ship, then when we thought it couldn’t get worse he sunk us in a harbor where I threatened to let haunt him if I died,” you stated matter of factly, before continuing on with your tour of the town. You prayed it was going to be a relaxing trip, but you would find out in 10 minutes that it was anything but and that you were about to regret your choice of going to college for engineering.

#din djarin x reader #mandalorian imagine #mandalorian x reader #x reader #star wars x reader #din being a dad #emotional #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian imagine #baby yoda

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marireadshellblazer · 3 years

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Constantine TV Series Episode 4 “A Feast of Friends”

Aight, I feel the need to express some feelings about this episode. I’m not sure this is going to be terribly articulate, but I’ll do my best. Let’s do this.

First off, it’s obvious to anyone who has read Hellblazer that this episode is based off of the first two issues of the comic book series. As I wrote in my post about my experience reading it, these issues were the perfect way to start off the series. It’s like “BOOM! This is how it is! Get ready for some serious shit! This is your only warning; this is what you’re in for.” Even though they did change the story for the episode, I still absolutely loved it. The storyline from the comics is a favorite of mine, but even with the changes made in order to adapt it for TV, this was an awesome episode. In fact, it’s my favorite episode of the TV series. Here’s why!

Why is it episode 4?

Unlike the comics this story was adapted to be episode 4, meaning it doesn’t start the TV series. So, why wouldn’t it start the TV series? I think that you have to look at it from a few different perspectives.

Let’s start with the comic: Issues 1 and 2, titled Hunger and A Feast of Friends respectively, make up the first arc of the Hellblazer series. Most fans know, however, that Hellblazer is not John’s first appearance in comics; he got his own series after appearing throughout the American Gothic story arc of Swamp Thing. Consequently, many people came into Hellblazer at the time having some familiarity with the character. While this chapter does expand on John’s character some, this doesn’t serve as a major introduction to him. They just drop the reader into one of his nightmare-inducing everyday situations with little to no preparation. Those who are familiar with his role in Swamp Thing will, odds are, not find these issues to be terribly weird or particularly jarring considering it’s in a series about John; they have a good idea what they are in for.

Here is a quick run-down: John returns to his apartment in Paddington after dealing with the horror show that is the Brujeria in the Swamp Thing comics. Exhausted, he comes back to an unwelcome guest; Gary Lester. Gary is one of the friends who was involved in the Newcastle incident (which is fully explained in issue #11), which left each of them scarred in their own way. Gary dealt with the aftermath via drugs, which have left him wide open for other issues. After foolishly releasing a demon from a sacrificial victim, Gary runs to John for help dealing with the destruction said demon is causing. In this case it’s a hunger demon that causes people to feast upon whatever they greatly desire; food, a crucifix, and even an athlete committing autocannibalism. With help from club owner and Voodoo practitioner Papa Midnight, John betrays his vulnerable and trusting friend in order to stop the demon by instead making him the new sacrifice. Trapping the demon inside of Gary, the literal and figurative ghosts of John’s past haunt and torment him mentally as his friend dies slowly and in agony, ending this arc with a melancholy feeling. John stopped a demon, but at the cost of a friend who truly trusted and cared for him.

Using this story to begin the TV series as is, however, would have been more than a little strange. In the minds of most people outside of the comic book world, John Constantine was first introduced to them via the horrifyingly inaccurate Keanu Reeves film. (I love Keanu, I really do, but that film give me agita). Or, if they were introduced to the show after it had already aired, they are introduced via Matt Ryan’s masterful work portraying him in Legends of Tomorrow. While he does an incredible job in both Constantine and Legends (to the point where I find that I may simply be unable to accept anyone else taking on the role in live action) it depresses me terribly that Legends toned down John’s character so much with all the goofiness. It did not suit John at all! If anything, I find myself feeling sorry for Matt Ryan, who tried so hard to do John’s character justice. Uhg.

Anyway…Already, a lot of the audience is going to be more than a little taken aback by the Constantine series’ portrayal of the character, however comic book accurate he may be. This show is tailored to as wide of an audience as possible, meaning they expect that pretty much no one has read Hellblazer or Swamp Thing before. Consequently, having the series start by just dropping the audience into his crazy world, especially with this particular story arc, might not be the best idea. I’m not saying that his introduction is done super well with the first episode (it’s not a total wreak, but there are issues) but it would have been much harder to start with A Feast of Friends.

Characterization

Now, let’s look at it from another angle: characterization. As the 4th episode this was, odds are, done assuming that there would be a lot more episodes after this (oh, the painful reality), but really the viewers are still just getting to know John. So, these early episodes are supposed to establish his character. They see him as knowledgeable and ready to handle the weird and scary in the first episode, and in 2 and 3 you see that he is serious about his work, a loner, weirdly well prepared, and how he interacts with others. While in some situations he does come off like a douche, his douche-ness is on full display in this episode. Honestly, this is accurate to how he is in the comics; he’s a nasty piece of work, after all. A world class bastard. He gives Gary shit for his drug addiction pretty much the entire episode as well as his choice to mess with a demon and the chaos it made that he now has to fix. He, like in the comics, tricks Gary into helping him and it results in a slow, painful death for the man. Gary really did trust John, and not only did John betray him, but he was callous about it. Now, that’s not to say that the situation and Gary’s death doesn’t bother him, and this is also seen in both the episode and the comic, but John solders through a lot of it with his mask of stoic indifference; he blatantly a deliberately betrays his friend without much hesitation.

John’s characterization in the show is really important. While fans of Hellblazer know what they are in for (John being a dick, betraying people, sacrificing friends, etc) the wide audience the show was meant to appeal to might not respond well to that. How is the audience supposed to relate to a character whose major personality trait in this arc is to basically be a douche (even if it is justified in a way)? Generally speaking, TV shows try to have a lot of characters with redeeming traits and very basic bitch personalities so that as much of the audience as possible can relate to them in some capacity. They can describe the main character as “cool, quirky, sweet, loving, etc” because that is what network television strives for. The point is for the audience to relate to and find a lot of reasons to like the character, especially the main character. The audience is supposed to be able to see the qualities of the character in themselves. An example of a douchy character being changed for network television is the titular character in TV series Lucifer. He can be an asshat at times, but his redeeming qualities shine through in pretty much every episode; he’s helpful, has a strong sense of justice, and cares about Chloe. He often goes out of his way to understand others, although he often misses the mark, and tries to fix problems and issues that he accidentally creates in order to keep relationships with others. These are things people can relate to, and although he can be rather uncouth, it’s played for laughs, and he has more redeeming qualities than not. If the Constantine series started off with John coldly betraying a friend after giving him shit for his addiction the entire episode with not a lot of his positive traits coming through, from the perspective of most people, this might not be a good way to try and connect with the audience. I’m not saying there are people who don’t/won’t, but again, this is network television and they tend to play on the safe side.

Comic book -> TV

Ok so let’s move onto the meat of this; the changes made to the story. People always complain when something isn’t totally accurate to the book down to every last detail (Harry Potter *cough cough*) and making story and character changes to adaptions of comic books is nothing new. However, to be fair, there are some legitimately good reasons for this. Time, money, limits technology wise, and pacing are good examples. The most important thing to consider, in my opinion, is that we are going from a comic book to television. Literally, that is the most important thing. Essentially, what the writers had to do when adapting this story for the show was carry over the plot from one medium to another, which is tricky.

What’s a medium? A medium is a platform that allows a message to be shared or presented. So, using the medium of a comic book is how Jamie Delano was able to share his message; the story of John Constantine. The writers of the television series then had to adapt the story from comics, a visual and written medium, into a different kind of visual medium with different features to it; stage craft, voice, music, etc.

Comic books have features for story telling; the size and placement of the panels, the writing, word bubbles, narration bubbles, colors, art style, etc. The pro’s to this are that you don’t get paragraph after paragraph describing a place or a person; they literally show them to you and the art presents those details. They also allow for the art to take in the reader emotionally through what the images convey; messy art, sudden loss of color, or even a sudden blank page after a tragic event are simple yet effective ways to convey emotion that are, at times, difficult or downright impossible to put into words. And sometimes the writer wants to leave things to interpretation or allude to something without saying it outright. While this can be done in writing, it can be done through the art as well, and depending on how skilled the artist or creative a set up can be just as effective if not more.

In television storytelling can be done with another wide array of features. Close-ups on the actors, the actors and their performance in general, music, background narration, changes in location, lighting, ect. This allows for emotions to come across in different ways; the quality of the acting can make or break the effectiveness of the scene, and music and lighting can alter the message or feel of scene in order to change or heighten the point, pacing, the use of CGI or practical effects, etc. So, keeping this in mind, there are many features that are exclusive to film that are not in comic books, and vice versa. So, as you can imagine, adapting the stories or message from one medium to another is nowhere near as straightforward as people like to think it is. In other words, I tend to give the writers/actors/etc a break when it comes to adaption because, honestly, there is a lot that goes into it and it’s not like I could do better, honestly. I mean, there are piss poor adaptions, I’m not gunna lie, but there are a lot of them that I think don’t get enough credit simply because it’s “different” in some ways.

Aight, let’s first refer back to what I said earlier concerning the comic; these issues aren’t so much an intro to John as they are literally following him from the end of the American Gothic arc in Swamp Thing and to his apartment where he gets involved with more shit (no rest for the wicked, amirite?). So, again, not a good way to start the TV series. In the TV show, they also have to tie in the changes they set up in the previous episodes. Continuity, my friends.

So, what is different? Here are a few things: John having a safe house, being in the US, Chaz being American and also not involved, Zed being involved and being Latina, the new angel character Manny, and the absence of Papa Midnight really change a lot about the story. The heart of it is John’s relationship with Gary and the defeat of the demon, which thankfully remains unchanged at it’s core. This is the central idea that drives this story and I think that idea was actually done a bit better in the film medium than in the comic.

Keeping all of these factors and all of these changes that needed in order to keep things consistent with the TV show’s changes, let’s get into why I think that this episode is good even with the changes, but why I love it.

I love It

After taking some time to consider things, I realize that what really makes this episode great is the actors; specifically, Matt Ryan and Jonjo O'Neill. The chemistry between them is undeniable. The way they look at each other and how they talk to each other really makes you feel like, at one time at least, they were friends. The scene where Gary swipes the ID badge and says “I learned from the best” is a great example of this. The look on his face and John’s; I don’t have a real eloquent way to say it. I just sort of feel it.

The retcon of Gary’s character really helps with this. Being that Gary is introduced and then killed off in two issues, you don’t really get to know his character in the comics. He’s only in one episode of the TV series, yet he feels more fleshed out. Soul was added to the character. Showing his struggles with addiction, as well as what I suspect to be depression and PTSD, really humanized him. In the episode, he was more than just a desperate, annoying junky; he was a flawed and relatable human being. Who hasn’t made a mistake? How many people have made BIG mistakes with consequences difficult to handle? How many people are haunted by their actions from the past? Addiction and the effects is has on people is devastating. I’m glad that they kept the ending true to the comics, but the way he was portrayed in the episode really made me feel for Gary in this case. It almost made me hope that maybe he really would get better, and have the chance at redemption that he was trying so desperately to find. But it wouldn’t be a John Constantine series without an ending like this one; John loses a friend and slowly digs himself deeper into hell.

Of course, it’s the ending of the episode that people really remember best. It’s the scenes that solidified, at least for me, Matt Ryan as John Constantine. It’s what really helped me have faith in the series. Watching it now, and seeing what really could have been, makes the episode somewhat bitter sweet for me. I felt like this is when the series really found it’s footing; the acting, storytelling, and how well arcs from Hellblazer could be adapted. This is where I think Matt Ryan hit his stride and we could see what he was really capable of as an actor if they let him spread his wings. In the earlier episodes I was honestly unsure. He looked the part, but the soul of the character had not really had a chance to shine through.

How John treats Gary at the end really made a difference, too. Holding him while he was in pain, and sitting with him as he died in agony; these simple yet effective changes really drove home John’s humanity in the face of evil and the tough decisions he has to make. The look he gives many at the very end, the anger and sorrow he seems to be struggling to hold back, is haunting.

In this episode, Matt Ryan’s love and dedication to John’s character shine. Seeing the story in live action gave this story a stronger impact. Even without a lot of the social commentary that was present in the comic, the live action element is what really helps drive the story home. I think it’s because it’s real people showing these very real emotions that can be hard to translate into art. Not to say that John Ridgway did a bad job, but it’s different in live action.

I hope I was able to get these thoughts across. I wasn’t sure if I should share this or not, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I know this is sort of jumbled, but hopefully it’s not a total mess to read.

#Constantine #Constantine TV Series #Hellblazer #Vertigo #Vertigo Comics #DC #DC Comics #Matt Ryan #John Constantine

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stillness-in-green · 3 years

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When MVA/MLA Arc gets animated, what will you be looking forward to the most? What (canon-compliant) additions and/or changed do you want or think Bones should make, if any?

There’s--a lot. Does that surprise anyone? There’s a lot.

o I have been foaming at the mouth for voice actor announcements for almost a year now, particularly for Trumpet, Geten and RD. Trumpet’s superpower is literally his voice! I mean, nothing about that statement requires that voice be particularly entrancing, but it certainly seems like it should be, right?? Geten is a boku-type in the manga, but that was literally the only hint foreshadowing his pretty boy face through 21 solid chapters of Pure Feral Gremlin. Everyone was shocked by Geten’s face reveal! How do you maintain that surprise value with an actual voice actor in the mix? Do you not even try? Do you play up the disparity--in which direction? I can’t wait to see what they do. And Re-Destro! Re-Destro requires so much range! From his peppy, silly businessman persona, to the urbane commander, from the overeager yes-man to the raving zealot--who on earth do you get to believably cover all that ground? I can’t even begin to guess, but I am living in anticipation of that article going up on ANN or the official Twitter sources.

o I’m also much looking forward to getting official coloring on Trumpet and Geten. Skeptic seems pretty straightforward--black, black, more black--and RD and Curious, we have color art for, but I wonder if Trumpet will also be all black clothes, to go with that dignified politician image of his, or if he’ll get some color to pep him up a little. What color are those tinted shades of his? His eyes? The wicked-cool Sevens Loud? I assume Geten is all wintery shades, but it’ll be great to confirm which ones. I mean, we all assume he’s white-haired to better annoy Dabi with family parallels, but what if he turns out to be platinum blond? And are his eyes blue? Gray? White? What color is that awful parka? Also, Re-Destro’s stress powers. Having been writing them as black since at least August--Rorschach test blots are generally black, after all, and they’re the clear inspiration--I would much like it if the anime would have my back on this. They made Destro’s mask a dark cinnamon brown, though, so I’m prepared to be unpleasantly surprised in this matter.

o Predictable MLA adaptational choices aside, I’m also eager/anxious about how they’ll handle Spinner’s narration. What I really hope is that they actually straight-up hand him ALL the narration duties--not just the stuff he dictates directly in the manga, but also e.g. the name and quirk explanation material that Present Mic normally gets, or the previews that are always handled by Deku. The opening and closing sequences are another big structural thing, of course--based on the flashed snippets of Hawks and Endeavor in both our current and the previous OP, I’m expecting we’ll see at least a bit of something referencing the upcoming internship arc (which I expect to close out the season), but I hope the villains just walk away with the closing entirely. I want my slice of life villainy ED, dangit.

o Another thing I’m eager/anxious about would be Kotarou, and the Shimura flashback generally. There’s a brittle edge of to Kotarou that I really love, and I hope he manages to keep it in the anime, despite the anime being generally not so great at moments that I would describe as “delicate.” For example, I’d like it if he doesn’t get a super deep voice, and if they could manage to keep his pretty face, and capture how deeply bitter and tired he looks in the scene where he’s reading the letter Nana left him. Also, I hope they keep the little montage bits and, crucially, the changes of clothes the family goes through. We see Tenko in no less than five, possibly as many as seven, different T-shirts through the course of that flashback. It seems like a small thing, but it’s one of the factors that makes me skeptical that AFO gave Tenko Decay, when so many days clearly go by between the opening with the man at the door and the tragic end. It’d be nice not to see too much resurgence on that just because the anime can’t be bothered to come up with more than one outfit for the Shimuras.

I have enough issues with the anime’s usual adaptation choices that I’m trying not to get my hopes up too high on the actual content of the episodes. The staff is diverting too much of its major talent to the movies (BAH) these days for me to expect the whole season to look all that great, and it’s never been particularly creative or daring outside of its climactic sakuga-heavy fight scenes anyway. I’ve also long had a bone to pick with its scoring decisions, and am already eyeballing the climax of the RD/Shigaraki fight and imagining the minor-keyed terrifying dirge I fear the anime will play there, at the moment that Re-Destro (and, shortly afterward, Spinner) are supposed to be experiencing something akin to religious awakenings. There’s also the issue of the violence and gore--judging by how the anime handled the scene where Shigaraki and Compress maim Overhaul, I have some severe reservations about how much blood they’ll be allowed to get away with, particularly in the scene where the League brutally decimates that CRC group and, of course, Shigaraki’s backstory. I’m looking at MVA to serve as a preview for how all the same issues will be addressed in the War Arc.

That bit of pessimism aside, as to what I’m hoping they’ll add or change? Well, off the top of my head.....

o I would love to get a full episode devoted to the time the League spends fighting Machia. Not that first tussle, but the six grueling weeks in the mountains. There’s so much you could add there for character building and atmosphere that Hori didn’t so much as montage through. Where was their food coming from? How’d they pick out places to pitch camp? How much access to news from outside did they have, and how frequently? What were the circumstances in which Gigantomachia “told them himself” about his great sense of smell?? Stuff like that! I don’t think we’re at all likely to get this--honestly, the series of late has had enough of a problem with trimming bits and pieces that I’m as worried about what they might cut as I am hyped about things they might add--but the one thing that gives me some hope is the training camp arc. Specifically, the moment 1-A first gets to the Pussycats’ forest, they get jumped by earth golems, a fight that the manga off-panels entirely, but the anime spends a modest amount of time on, giving the kids a little bit of time to show off their moves and such. I’d love to get something equivalent for the League.

o On a similar note, I wouldn’t turn it down if they fleshed out some of those running street fights a bit. One obvious thing comes to mind: there’s a weird jump in the manga between Skeptic and a horde of his golems being all but on top of Twice at the beginning of 233 and then that fight just--doesn’t happen. There’s no mention of it at all. I think the suggestion is that either Machia’s appearance or the tower going down interrupted it--Skeptic breaks off from his fight the same way Geten and Trumpet do theirs, shifting focus to protecting Re-Destro--but it’d be nice to see the anime touch on it.

o It’d be nice to get a bit of expansion on the nature of the bullying Spinner endured. We’re told he was, but was it limited to verbal? Did he get beaten up a lot? Was there an online element? Deku’s our only other reference point for “bullied kid,” and whatever one might think about the story’s development of Bakugou’s mentality, it’s been made clear in retrospect that there was a lot more too that than just the matter of Deku’s quirklessness. I’d love to know how Spinner’s bullying looked in comparison (not least because of some of the theories about Spinner and Deku needing to come to some kind of accord to free Shigaraki from AFO).

o Make the Villa (both here and during the War Arc) look more realistic. By which I mean, I know Horikoshi is capable of drawing interesting and lived-in interior spaces--he has an entire chapter dedicated to it in the 1-A dorm room contest, after all--but he normally doesn’t bother much with it. At UA, it’s not too distracting, because we know good and well that that whole building is probably maintained by Cementoss anyway. Ditto places like Tartarus (intentionally, dehumanizingly barren) or the League’s post-Kamino hideouts (abandoned homes and industrial spaces). But the Villa? For heaven’s sake, it’s called a mountain villa. It has a clear reception desk on the ground floor; it’s obviously some sort of high-end hotel, if not an outright resort or rentable retreat lodge. Speaking as someone who’s worked in one, places like that don’t look as fuckin’ bare as the rooms we see there always seem to. For fanfic purposes, I’m happy to go on telling myself that e.g. the pool and the bar and the restaurant(s) and the gym are in the building Cementoss doesn’t tear in half, but it’d be nice if the anime could class the whole place up a little, maybe put some real furniture and decor in the rooms that are in use. (Yes, I know this is a ridiculous nitpick.)

o This is less a change and more a correction, but for fuck’s sake, BONES, give us white-haired Shigaraki. The climax of Deika is a solid time for it, given that it’s obvious in the manga that Shigaraki’s hair gets paler in Deika--you can see it in the way Horikoshi inks it (which is to say, the way he stops inking it)! I think if we ever get white-haired Shigaraki in the anime, a somewhat better time as far as narrative justification goes would be when Shigaraki gets out of the tube in the War Arc; you could easily justify it as a side-effect of the surgery. Still, I’d rather see it here. I want white-haired Shigaraki, gleaming and brilliant through the scattering ash in that crater, a veritable angel of sacred destruction. Honestly, more than anything, the crater sequence is the one I hope I love. It’s probably my favorite single moment in the entire manga, as Shigaraki wins over Re-Destro, Spinner and Gigantomachia in the same moment, and finally comes into his own. If they can at least nail that, I’ll consider myself pretty satisfied.

#stillness-answers #my villain academia #meta liberation army #boku no hero academia #bnha #hopes and dreams

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mrpenguinpants · 4 years

Text

Alright, I finally read Reincarnation no Kaben

AFTER MONTHS (it’s probably been a month? My mind doesn’t keep track of the days) I FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO RNK. Ty to Okita anon for the recommendation (*￣3￣)╭💕💕💕 I absolutely loved it.

After this I’ll start on the other recommendation you gave me. I kept a bit of a log of my reading journey under the read more tag.

Major spoilers for literally everything in RNK up to ch 53 “Withdrawal”.

Oh, and I’ll finish answering all my leftover asks and I SHOULD have a fic done by tomorrow. I was so ready to write and then I got up. Now I’m back to bed.

I’m just gonna write this as a log since I read super super slow and I’m only on ch 7 at the start of writing this but I’m really liking it already. Though to be fair. I love everything okita anon recommends haha. I remember you saying you were simping over Kouu and I haven’t gotten to the part where he appears but I wanted to quickly google what he looked like to prepare myself and I see this:

Well. That’s reassuring.

I was actually kinda surprised by how many western figures were in the manga since I know there are only like 7? Around 7 western figures that pop up in any anime/manga but seeing people like Albert Fish was kinda surprising but I really liked it. Also, at the end of certain chapters they write little bio’s on them so you get to know more about them was such a nice touch. I also love that the tradition of making males -> females still stays strong even outside the fate universe hehe.

---

Literally, the next chapter I see him. AHHHHHHHHH. Well maybe not him but his eyeballs.

This guy lowkey reminds me of the MC’s brother but it’s 99% because he has the same long ponytail. I wouldn’t be surprised if the brother was apart of the the Greats. Honestly, Ein reminds me of those really hard headed girls that are actually really kind on the inside but aren’t good at expressing themselves (maybe because that’s pretty much her character). I also like that Ein doesn’t like males but she’s hiding behind this guy. At least, I’m..99% sure this is Ein.

I FUCKING KNEW IT. AS SOON AS I SAW HE GOT A THEIF TALENT I COULD FEEL THE SOLO LEVELING VIBES IN ME. HE CAN STEAL TALENTS I FUCKING KNEW IT!!! I’m surprised that Neumann didn’t say anything and Haito seems to be aware of it.

Edit: Ah okay, I understand a bit now but it almost seems like Haito is the only one aware of Toya’s second talent.

Edit 2: Okay, as much as I love power hungry MC’s I’m really glad they didn’t make Toya into that. I am such a softie for sympathetic and kind MC’s like these even though it’s been done so many times. I’m really glad this didn’t feel like a rehash. I mean, some points some of the stuff Toya says it does but it’s fine, I don’t mind that. I actually gave a crap about him since I usually prefer the side characters (I UNDERSTAND ANON, I CARE ABOUT KOUU SO MUCH AHHHHH) but HAITO?? AHHHHH.

---

I like that Izo always has the same hat in every adaptation he’s in lol. Istg, cats are always op. Schrodinger seems so strong and the parallel universes are my absolute shit. Sometimes I think, in one universe I did this and in this universe I’m not. Would I rather stay in this universe or be in the one where I am actually productive. Usually I pick the productive universe and actually work but sometimes I’m a bit of a slacker haha. I think this is my approach to a lot of things in life. But I digress, I don’t wanna get too deep into my life.

I can sorta sympathize with the sinners. At least the ripper guy to say the least. I love love love unhinged characters that just want to basically destroy the world or at least have fun. But then you find out- wait they are actually sympathetic oh no. That’s how I felt about Djoser in “im the great priest imhotep” (please...i beg...someone read this...I’m so starved).

As much as character development and rooting for the hero is cool and all, I just want to simp for the crazy “let’s burn the world to the ground” kinda character. I’m also so glad Toya doesn’t automatically become evil and try and steal everyone’s talents because he does seem like a good person and I really don’t see him suddenly switching fields so when he saved (I don’t remember names I’m sorry), the undead solider it was really nice. Proves that he still has his humanity and isn’t strictly relying on the branch of sin.

It makes sense that he wants to steal talents since he never had one (and it was kinda out of left field when he killed Vlad and we just never addressed that ever again haha) but to see him actually consider his actions and if he actually want’s to steal his teammates talents feels right to me. Poor guy doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends so this is the first time he’s ever seemed to have companionship, aside from Haito, so I really hope he doesn’t attempt to steal their talents. I think I’m thinking of the slime? That time I got reincarnated as a slime manga/anime. Where he’s the pokemon catcher of skills. I thought that was where it was going.

But I do kinda like how selfish Haito and Toya’s talent stealing relationship is (I mean, later it develops but my first draft of writing this I wasn’t there yet). I’m not sure if selfish or like self-gratitude/pride is the right word but it’s kind of a breath of fresh air. Rather than Haito trying to contain or “help” Toya’s inferiority she’s actually encouraging it and using her own talent for her own...acknowledgement? Er, yeah let’s go with that.

---

This. This interaction. I love this. Like, genuinely love this. We need more of this. Two people from opposite sides finding some common ground and their fight to the death is less about morals or whose on whose side but for themselves. I love that. This is actually some wholesome stuff.

Edit: AHHHHH CATCH MY UGLY CRYING IN THE BACK BECAUSE ALL THE “SINNERS” ARE ACTUALLY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. IM DEAD. YOU’VE KILLED ME.

---

I KNEW IT! YOU CAN NEVER TRUST THESE KIND OF PEOPLE!! I’m going to slap the whiteboard on this but if I see any “goofy” character I’m immediately sus of them.

As much as I hate that Hitler is getting drawn as a small child I really like this. I know the whole, oh I killed your friends but I’m letting you go because you express humanity but I’m gonna finish my death with a sympathetic line, can be annoying to people but idk I really liked this.

Honestly this and the undead soldiers death hit me hard ngl. This manga might not have my favourite art style during some points compared to like main stream manga but it has some really beautiful scenes.

BOOM CALLED IT, though it’s pretty obvious lol.

THE PONY TAIL NEVER LIES AND HES DA VINCI IT MAKES SENSE NOW

He looks so cute lol. I like that Seiya has the talent of being talented in everything while Toya has the talent to steal other talents. Seiya can probably only cap his power by his own physical/mental abilities with Toya can pull a solo leveling and go further beyond. Thinking of it like jack of trades vs master of none type deals. Though, I might be thinking too hard on this. I like that this man is actually humble but I really wish there was a tiny bit more to him since we only get this one interaction/backstory but the manga isn’t completed yet. I really hope we get to know about Seiya more;; like how he became da vinci or etc.

Everytime I see Neumann I look at that comic sans type and it kills me on the inside. But I love that her eyes are 01 just, mwah perfection. These little details that aren’t that big but it’s soooo nice. I also ahem, unhinged character heart be still. It’s really nice reading manga in bursts because you can see the art progression and damn does she look good.

tiny fang appreciation post.

ngl i’M HARD SIMPING FOR THIS MAN. It’s the pony tail, I have such a thing for guys with long hair (and this is why genshin broke me) but man the art really picked up here.

I didn’t get into it but OKITA ANON I GET IT. KOUU??? AHHHH. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE??? As much as his whole “war” was a bit questionable in the beginning and tbh I still don’t really get it I like that he knows he’s not the same as the other Greats but still tries to help the other “sinners” in a way only he knows. That’s why Seiya was so important;; I get that he wanted them to have a fun death and to be understood but idk, the whole war idea and having them kill each other (especially the Hitler fights because I understand the others since they reached some kind of acknowledgement) but nonetheless, what a great guy.

Nightingale gives me mad masaki vibes from chainsawman. I hate them and I can’t wait for you to fail, but the inner part of my is cheering for you because unhinged characters are my shit. I feel really bad for Neumann, I had suspicions she wasn’t actually like that since it’s sooo out of left field but I’m really glad the manga seems to know what it’s doing. I really wish we got more Kouu interactions with everyone tho.

NOW THIS. THIS IS SOME WHOLESOME STUFF. I WANT THIS. I REALLY WANT SPIN-OFF OF REALLY SAD ANIME/MANGA/STORIES WHERE ALL THE DEAD PEOPLE HANG OUT. That’s how I’m feeling about JJK and the scroll segments or BSD WAN that just came out. IT’S SO WHOLESOME TO SEE EVERYONE NOT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER.

UGLY SOBBING IN THE CLUBBB AND KOUU AND CHARLOTTE AHHHH. I hate how this is phrased but the respect I have for Hitler?? YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD THAT IS TO TYPE?? Kitazuka is cool tho, I really like him. Some god given talent. I’m hard simping over him but I really hope we get to know more about him later.

Getting smug mona vibes, I love this.

AHHH IVE NEVER FELT THIS UPSET OVER AN APPLEEEE. I’M ACTUALLY UPSET. IF HE DIES IM ACTUALLY GOING TO CRY MY HEART OUT.

THE FAMOUS SLAP

I’M SORRY WHA- SLENDERMAN?

Oh..wow. Okay, be still my heart. When I first saw her I thought she was really pretty but now I’m absolutely smitten. God damn, can I please have some more crumbs on these characters before they die;;

AHHH SAME GIRL FUCKING SAME????? I adore these small panels and translator notes. It’s a real breather after the sad 3am hours talk these characters go through.

Yagyuu. Jesus christ. WHY ARE ALL THE DEATH SCENES IN THIS MANGA ACTUALLY SO PRETTY AND STABS ME IN THE HEART??? that’s it. goodbye. im fucking out. im actually so upset rn. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?

---

In conclusion, and I should probably re-read what the characters say and not go off on memory because I’m about to get really deep. I really like how they phrased why they wanted to stop the branch of sin. That there are people just like Toya and Haito who, if they never found the branch of sin, could still probably lead respectable and okay lives. That there was a “them” in another universe that didn’t go down that road and that they want to be in the same universe as “them”. I know this sounds really confusing if you haven’t read the manga but going back to what I said about the parallel universe stuff.

There was a universe where Toya and Haito didn’t rely on the branch of sin, that even without their talents from becoming a returner, they could still live a happy life given their own personalities and attitudes. It was kinda moving since in the beginning, Toya wanted a talent so badly and now that he has one. He’s realizing that wait, I don’t need a past life talent in order to live. Honestly, I hard relate to that because I totally agree with him. If you have a talent you can probably live a very happy and comfortable life that other factors wouldn’t matter if you just have that incredible talent. Thinking of it as a painter or artist, if you had actual god-given talent you wouldn’t need to worry about other factors since people would naturally seek that talent. So you end up comparing yourself to others and setting that limit on yourself.

But that’s okay, it’s completely natural and I’m not saying it’s horrible if you do this. Fuck, I do this all the time. I’m not saying the manga is changing my life but it’s kind of refreshing that it get’s talked about since other adaptations of this just make the character super OP. I understand wanting to have that incredible talent, fuck who doesn’t? but you don’t need it in order to live earnestly in the bigger picture sense. Not everything you do has to be productive and honestly, learning to be okay with having fun is nice. Just being okay with who you are right now, even if it isn’t perfect in your eyes, you still have time to build upon yourself and your own talents but doing it for yourself.

But I probably missed the point and I’m going way to deep haha. But I really enjoyed reading this and thank you once again to okita anon for the recommendation^^ I always love everything you send me and I’ll start reading the next one. If anyone else has any recommendations let me know!

#WOW WHAT A FUCKING TRAIN RIDE #AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #ALRIGHT TIME TO GO CRY MY HEART OUT #JESUS THIS ACTUALLY SO BEAUTIFUL???#PLEAE PLEASE PLEASE READ IT #IK THE BEGINNING MIGHT SEEM A BIT WEIRD WITH SO MUCH INFORMATION THROWN AT YOU BUT DO IT #IT GETS SOOOO GOOD LATER #ITS GETTING SO GOOD RN BUT I NEED TO WAIT FOR UPDATES #OKITA ANON YOU ARE SUCH AN MVP FUCK I LOVE IT #BUT YOURE ALSO KILLING ME #super duper fucking i love you i actually love you mwha #okita anon #lovely anon #anon ask #reincarnation no kaben

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hellzyeahwebwielingessays · 4 years

Photo

Superior Spider-Man v1 #2

The context for the above pages that throughout Superior #2 Otto has been trying to have sex with MJ but met with failures. Finally he realizes he can experience having sex with MJ via accessing Peter’s intimate memories of being with her. The nature of Otto’s infiltration of Peter’s body was such that accessing these memories meant he’d literally feel the sensations that Peter felt (or at least remembered) from the experiences.

The scene proceeds to imply that Otto masturbated whilst Peter’s subservient mind watched all this in horror and disgust.

So…this is easily one of the single most abhorrent scenes in Spider-Man history.

I despise this scene so goddam passionately. Let me try to No. Prize it to make it less awful.

Let’s be clear, the intent by the author and artist was clear. Otto accessed memories of every time Peter was physically intimate with Mary Jane and relived them over and over again.

It was undeniably a heavy implication.

However, an implication is not a confirmation.

And with ‘Death of the Author’ Slott or Stegman’s intent or Twitter statements are not tantamount to confirmations.

So where does this leave us?

This leaves us with Otto wanting to have sex with MJ and realizing that as an alternative he can access Peter’s memories of ‘being’ with MJ (that’s the term he uses). Then he accesses the three we see on the page.

Yes, the art and dialogue are implying these are but three of many which include more explicit scenes. These memories themselves might lead to more explicit scenes.

However…we do not see that. That is not on the page. Therefore it is not confirmed.

To elaborate let’s cast our minds back to the infamous Chameleon/Michelle controversy from ASM #603-604. In these issues Chameleon, disguised as Peter, kisses Peter’s roommate Michelle Gonzalez and they go down to the floor together. One of them (probably Michelle) giggles in a sexual way as indicated by the little hearts around the text.

In the next issue Peter returns home in ASM #604 to find Michelle wearing his boxers and t-shirt and acting like she is his girlfriend.

The implication is clear here too. Chameleon as Peter had sex with Michelle.

Fred Van Lente however said otherwise. According to him Michelle and Chammy

did nothing more than make out … There was no sex, and therefore no rape

This was an obvious case of backpedalling because the story stirred up backlash and even coined a term known as Van Lente rape.

It was improper to have done this story and was disingenuous to then cover his ass the way he did. However, technically speaking the idea that no sex occurred is not actually beyond belief.

In truth we did not see what happened on panel so it is up to the reader’s imagination. Even Michelle wearing Peter’s clothes could have an alternative, if improbable, explanation. She was clearly not mentally/emotionally stable and had little respect for Peter’s personhood or property.

For Michelle to be overly presumptuous based upon some kissing or cuddling is not beyond belief.

And as bad as some kissing or cuddling might’ve been from an ethical standpoint, it’s a far preferable interpretation compared to the Chameleon honestly raping someone; in a story for apparently for kids no less.

It doesn’t make Van Lente’s writing justified. But it is a far preferable in-universe interpretation.

So, when stories have wiggle room should we always take the best faith interpretation?

Well, no it’s more like we should take the least damaging interpretation. Even then it depends case-by-case.

In cases where there is wiggle room to not interpret these recurring characters (that are merchandised to children/intended for fun entertainment for old farts like myself) as not rapists?

Yes. We should absolutely take that!

Equally we should take the interpretation that allows for Spider-Man and Mary Jane to be the least violated possible.

It doesn’t mean we should let the creators off the hook for even doing stuff that supports the idea of these guys as rapists.

But it equally doesn’t mean there is no choice but to interpret them that way.

So, using ‘Van Lente Logic’ if you will, it is not an open and shut case that:

a) Otto accessed any memories beyond the three we see on the page or indeed accessed any lurid memories between the two above pages.

Yes he does say that he can relive each kiss or tender moment with MJ over and over.

The key word there is ‘can’.

He ‘can’ do that.

The story does not confirm beyond doubt that he did.

Using ‘Van Lente Logic’ it is theoretically possible he accessed just those three memories and was satisfied with the sensations he got from them. Or perhaps he was satisfied with the power and potential they opened up to him. As in maybe he didn’t experience what having sex with MJ was like, but he knew he could whenever he wanted and that boosted his ego and sent him on a kind of miniature power trip.

Or perhaps he was content knowing he could access Peter’s memories of being with MJ and thus chose to move on and turn his eyes to new ‘conquests’; like Sajani. Let me try explaining with an analogy. Imagine you were keen on finding an episode of a TV show and were frustrated by your failure to do so. Then late in the evening you are delighted to discover that Youtube has a playlist of the entire show that you can watch whenever you want. You check out three random clips and save the videos. You then turn your attentions elsewhere because you are satisfied that you can watch the episodes as much as you want at your leisure.

Hence why Otto might’ve been so satisfied with himself at the start of the second page.

b) That any of them led to sex. Noticeably only ‘Peter’ is in a state of undress in any of the memories we are shown. MJ is fully clothed in all of them. It doesn’t prove anything because they might’ve just had sex or might have proceeded to after the moments we are shown. But it is food for thought.

c) That he masturbated. Perhaps more importantly than the sexual implications of this scene is the implication of timing. Otto is outside, atop a roof, in his costume and removes his mask when he starts talking about accessing Peter’s memories. The sentence then continues into the next panel with all of the memories with Otto’s unmasked face smiling in pleasure.

This heavily implies he accessed the memories right then and there. Why would he masturbate (in costume and unmasked no less) outside on a rooftop in one of the most densely populated city on Earth; there is even a window right behind him?

That doesn’t make any sense. Therefore he must not have been masturbating.

In fairness there are counterpoints to this. Why would Otto randomly take his mask off at all on a rooftop? It’s a safety risk even with his Spider Sense? One might argue that it was because he was preparing to enter his/Peter’s home. This actually supports the idea that he was masturbating because if he’d be most likely to do that in his home. But then why remove his mask prior to entering his home? Especially when there is no sign of other civilian clothes for him to change into. It’d just be Peter Parker unmasked in a Spider-Man costume entering Peter Parker’s home via rooftop or whilst crawling on a wall.

So the location or being unmasked doesn’t necesarilly prove anything either. It’s again just food for thought. Indeed the very next panel is Otto waking up in bed saying he’s slept more soundly and Peter asking him to stop touching his body.

Again, this is a pretty clear implication?

Is there even any wiggle room on this one?

Actually yes but you’ll have to bear with me as I walk you through it.

Okay so analogy time again.

I want you to imagine a target, like the ones you see in archery tournaments with the rings.

Now imagine the dead centre is ‘Established characterization/In character actions’.

That’s what you want to aim for right?

Being as true to the characters as possible.

But of course you can pick up and move the target right? You can place it on the grass. On concrete. On carpet. Wherever.

So those different locations are the different contexts our characters get placed in.

E.g. the target on concrete is Spider-Man reacting to the death of Gwen Stacy. The target on grass is Spider-Man proposing to Mary Jane.

In this analogy we (the people analysing the stories) are the archers and our bow and arrows are our interpretations.

Obviously the aim is to get as close to centre as possible. To get as close to how the characters would act given both their established characterization and the context.

We can take multiple shots at the target but the one we should count the most is the arrow that lands closest to dead centre.

The guy who built the target and chose to put it on the grass or concrete might disagree. But they just built the target and placed it wherever, they aren’t the ones who have to aim and fire at it. In this analogy Slott, Stegman and Marvel are the creators of the target and the guys who decided to put it on the grass or wherever.

What I am trying to say is, our analysis of the in-universe events (not necessarily Slott’s intent or ability to convey that intent) should ultimately depend upon how the characters would act in that context based upon their established characterizations.

So if a guy kills Spider-Man’s girlfriend, he should be angry about it. If Peter proposed to Mary Jane he shouldn’t be holding a gun to her head whilst doing it.

With Superior #2 Slott characterized Otto as creepily trying to rape MJ and obsessed with her as a mere sexual conquest. He wasn’t in it for revenge against Peter. He wasn’t in it as a way to prove his own superiority. He was just horny and wanted her.

However, Dock Ock had never acted this way before. He had been willing to exploit people (including women) for what he saw as higher purposes, like granting him greater scientific resources or preserving his own life; Otto is an egotist, he views himself as the most important thing. However, it was never sexual. And he has pursued or formed romantic relationships with women before that were at most consensually sexual and not really predicated upon his physical attractions to them.

Otto is all about his mind, his intellect, etc. His fiancée was a fellow scientist who was impressed by his mechanical arms.

His affections for Aunt May, even if they were not strictly romantic, were rooted in her absolute kindness and generosity.

His affections for Carolyn Trainer (again, these might not have been romantic and she was fairly attractive) revolved around her admiration of him and her intellect.

His affections for Angelina Brancale/Stunner stemmed from him noticing a outcast kindred spirit.

Even his later affections for Anna Maria Marconi was predicated upon her intellect, admiration for, and kindness towards himself.

We should also consider that it is often true that people’s choice in romantic partners is a result of their relationships with their parents. The old adage of men marrying women like their mothers and women marrying men like their fathers holds some truth to it.

So what was Otto’s mother like? She was a woman unattractive by stereotypical beauty standards (not that there is anything wrong if you like women like that). She was overwhelmingly affectionate to Otto to the point of smothering him if anything. She was highly praise worthy of his intellect throughout his life. She pushed him to pursue a career ‘better’ than manual labour. Otto’s father was a manual labourer and had a strained relationship with his son. Often Otto’s mother would shield him from his father’s insults or physical threats. As a result for Otto, intellect (and his brilliance in particular) was emphasised as an important virtue.

If we compare to every woman Otto was romantically interested in, or at least held affection for (pre-Superior), we can see they were overwhelmingly kind to him and/or scientifically inclined and/or in admiration of him.

So these are all women that one way or another are reminiscent of Otto’s own beloved mother. And some of them were not ‘typically attractive’ either.

Beyond praising Spider-Man’s heroism, Mary Jane (from Otto’s POV) doesn’t fit the pattern at all. Even if Otto was a ‘love ‘em and leave ‘em’ type of guy (of which there is no indication), MJ wouldn’t be someone he’d particularly be interested in just for sex. He has never displayed a huge libido for typically glamorous women. Hobgoblin has. Norman Osborn has. Even Electro and Sandman have. But never Doc Ock in spite of being one of the three most recurring villains in Spider-Man’s history.

Thus it is out of character for Otto to have attempted to trick MJ into bed in the first place. And by extension it is also out of character for him to have accessed Peter’s memories specifically for the purposes of sexually pleasuring himself.

On the flipside let’s consider Peter. Peter is actually my trump card for this essay as I think his character actually definitively proves my case.

Okay, so if taken at face value Ghost Peter’s dialogue on the first page seems to convey he’s horrified, probably traumatized, by what he’s witnessing.

However, on the next page, and the pages thereafter, and in all consequent appearances of Ghost Peter in Superior Spider-Man his reactions are….odd

That is to say they are extremely odd for someone who was well…just sexually violated/raped.

Now I’m not by any means saying there is just one way anyone who is raped is bound to act, of course there isn’t.

Nevertheless, for someone who was sexually violated just the night before, Ghost Peter seems startlingly casual. He’s annoyed sure. But he acts like an invisible and silent quipster sidekick complaining to himself off to the side. It is a pattern of behaviour that continues for the rest of the issue and in consequent ones thereafter.

Alright, maybe he’s in denial.

But that seems like a bit of a stretch doesn’t it?

Ghost Peter is a manifestation of Peter’s mind and memories pushed into a subservient position by Otto’s dominant mind. So there is a rather large question as to whether or not realistic (let alone complex) human psychology even applies to him.

Then if you accept you have to consider that he’s not exactly denying that happened. We are talking about acknowledging something occurred but not having anything like a believable response to it. He’s acting like Otto just pissed him off and that’s all.

Well maybe he’s doing what Mary Jane did and putting on a façade of sorts for himself to cope? Except that sort of thing inevitably leads to those emotions coming out some other way. And at no point during Superior or Slott’s run is there any hint that that’s going on. The only reason that worked out for MJ’s character was because the audience didn’t spend that much time following her character intimately.

This then leads me to something I spoke about a long time ago in this essay. To quote myself:

“What this all means is that when we come up against a continuity problem (regardless of whether it’s related to a retcon or not) we have to figure out a solution to it which makes it work based upon the evidence presented in the stories themselves. But it can’t be over complicated or far fetched. It has to be the simplest solution possible which nevertheless answers all of the problems and dismisses the impossible scenarios.”

Maybe what we are discussing in Superior #2 isn’t strictly speaking a continuity error or a retcon. But the principle still stands, the simplest solution is the most logical.

Therefore what’s more simple?

a) That Doc Ock masturbated in Peter’s body to Peter’s memories of having sex with MJ whilst Peter himself was forced to watch in horror and torment, utterly helpless to stop him and then secretly developed a mental issue to cope with this trauma?

b) Doc Ock accessed a few intimate but not really sexual memories of Peter’s romance with MJ which upset and angered Peter. Then Otto went to sleep and Peter was still miffed the next morning?

And before anyone brings it up, Peter’s line about Otto touching his body can easily be interpreted as referring to Otto’s shower, not him having masturbated in Peter’s body the night before.

I know an easy counterpoint to all this is that Peter never acts believably under Slott anyway, so why should we take this interpretation? Wouldn’t it be more likely that Otto did masturbate but Peter is once more not reacting the way a normal person would? Same thing with what I said about Otto.

Well, again, that’s prioritizing intent above everything else.

But more importantly, to go back to my archery analogy, the aim is for our analyses of the in-universe events (as in what canonically happened) to be as close as possible to how the characters would act in context.

Of course so much of Peter’s actions and reactions don’t add up.

But in this scenario we aren’t talking about whether he is appropriately reacting to a confirmed event (like Otto killing Massacre). We are looking at it from the opposite angle. We are trying to confirm and clarify what the event Peter is reacting to was in the first place. As a result it’s far more fair game to take Peter’s reaction as appropriate because that’s the starting point in the analysis.

With Otto it is approaching things from the other end. We know how Otto would act in this situation. Therefore it doesn’t make sense for him to act the way implied. Therefore it’s appropriate to dismiss the implication as it is not a confirmation. The fact that he’s been out of character up until this point is irrelevant beyond pointing to how the author clearly intended for him to act.

But again, Death of the Author applies. Just because Slott intended Otto to have acted a certain way within the context of the implication doesn’t equate to a confirmation of him acting that way.

Anyway, I think that’s enough talk about masturbation for one essay. I’ll go back to my corner now.

P.S. In Superior #27 Ghost Peter claims that Otto accessed 31 memories before deleting the rest of Peter in Superior #9.

Given how active Peter and MJ’s sex life was when they were together if Otto really had accessed they would’ve accounted for a large chunk of the 31 memories he accessed.

And yet after Superior #2 we never see the memories depicted in that issue in any of the various collages or mindscape scenes throughout Superior. Let alone any other physically intimate memories between Peter and MJ. The only other one we see is their first kiss and that’s it.

This lends credence to the idea that Otto actually did not access any private memories involving MJ sans the ones we saw on panel.

#Superior Spider-Man #The Superior Spider-Man #otto octavius #Doc Ock #Doctor Octopus #Dan Slott #mjwatsonedit #mary jane watson #Mary Jane Watson Parker #MJ Watson #spider-man #Peter Parker

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geejaysmith · 5 years

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Wolf 359 Classpects, pt. 1

Soooo, while I was still busy with the last few weeks of my summer internship, I did keep thinking about classpecting the Wolf 359 cast. Possibly too much, because it wouldn't leave me alone until I'd solved my own God Tier riddle. Unfortunately, it got really long in the solving because I have many Thoughts and want to share all of them, always, so uh, a complete Classpect Analysis of Wolf 359 will be in parts? This first one covers Eiffel's, Hera's, Lovelace's and Minkowski's aspects.

DOUG EIFFEL: An utter no-brainer; ya boi Dougie Fresh is a Breath player if I ever saw one. For Chrissakes, he's the communications officer, and the first one to start complaining about the monotony of being stuck in a deep space sardine can. Breath is associated with communication, freedom, openness, and change - "free as the breeze", you might think of it, but that also leads to Breath players having trouble pinning themselves down to anything. They get skittish if they feel pinned down, and frustrated when stuck in place. Doug's noncommittal aloofness, the way he's off in his own little world (partially to hide from the fact he really does not like himself very much at all), and the way he's incorporated media into his self-perception all match pretty well with John and the Nitrams. But at the same time, he's the one playing mediator even as early as The Sound And The Fury. Being largely outside of the War Industrial Complex the other characters are so familiar with and thus mostly free from its dogmatic worldview of hierarchy and order, he's becomes the One Sane Man when he's the one to shout "what is WRONG with you people?" when "murder" shows up in the top 3 potential solutions to a problem, and he has no hesitation in saying what's on his mind. And it's not all complaints and bad ideas, either; he's got whole speeches telling the others how amazing he thinks they are and how in awe he is of their skills. A key catalyst in the plot of Wolf 359 is the reaching effects of his radio broadcasts. Also, there's something hilarious to the fact that for the aspect associated with communication, Doug *literally* cannot lie to save his life. I kept my ears open for the infamous Breath Hex on my second listen - that is, the strange little way in which things Breath players say tend to come to pass in reality. Cigarette Candy is basically 20 straight minutes of the Decima virus being Breath Hexed into existence, and he guessed Lovelace's situation in one - "Maybe she's a clone, or like a *really* good robot replica."

HERA: Another easy one. Although Hera is resistant to splintering as we've come to recognize it, Heart players are nothing if not determined to be an individual. They have a firm idea of themselves as a person and defend it fiercely, including compartmentalizing away pieces that don't fit their self-image. Maybe less actively putting them down like Jade Harley did to Jadesprite (the manifestation of the negative feelings she repressed out of fear they'd make her less useful) - that would mean attacking or denying a part of themselves - and more... "why yes, I put this part of myself in this box, and I may look at the box on occasion, the box definitely exists, but I don't go near the box and I definitely do not touch or open or interact with the box. And then one day, I will die." So that piece finds other avenues to express itself because it can't not do that. Hera's programming dictates she be "chipper and non-confrontational and always ready to help", but she actively resists being a mere utility and always has - her earliest know action was to attempt a jailbreak of the manufacturing facility she was made in, born rebel that she is. She will insist upon her name over her serial number unless you force her not to, and gets passive-aggressive at people treating her like a machine. And yet, even as she teaches herself to ignore commands literally written into the base of her personality, she doesn't reject her directive to be helpful, nor does she express a wish to be a flesh-and-blood human, or even really to have a physical form? She has a human self-image in mental spaces (we presume, I will semi-seriously point out there's nothing definitively stating she doesn't see herself as like, her fursona or something), but when she has to limit herself to a human-like view of the ship, her immediate reaction is "this is weird, I don't like it." This is honestly something about Hera that I think may be unique among non-villainous AI characters; she seems to be content with being what she is in general, and she just wishes for people to treat her as a person and not a piece of equipment they can do with as they please.

ISABEL LOVELACE: Arm-wrestled Hera for the Heart aspect and lost, despite Hera not actually having any arms, but that's okay because there's two aspects that fit her much better: Blood and Time. I ultimately went with Blood.

This is the part where you notice I'm onto the third of four characters in an aspects-only meta post, yet there is still a lot of post to go. This is because These Kinds Of Characters, the sort that're constantly on emotional lockdown, are a Challenge Mode, and for me to truly be satisfied with my classification I have to start drilling into the bedrock of what it even means to have an aspect in general, what it means to have a specific aspect, and what each aspect is really about. When you're on that level you tend to find yourself throwing out explicit expositional statements as incomplete, oversimplified, or unreliable, and looking at the text directly with a subtextual electron microscope. Brace yourselves. I have thrown the author out of the airlock, and I am about to get verbose.

Lovelace's character sheet describes her in contradictions, and we get to see two different sides to her that resolve into the complete picture by the time Lovelace Mk. III wakes up. There's Captain Isabel Lovelace, goofing around in her earlier logs, and The Terminator. She does things Her Way and is very much prepared to fight you if you object - the whole reason she was picked for the Hephaestus mission was her willingness to go against (in her words) "stupid orders" and do what she thought was right. She's also fiercely loyal; The Terminator is the end result of her anger and grief for her lost crew and at her failure to get them home alive. Her backstory episode has her summing up her complicated relationship to the Air Force with "I owe a lot of who I am to them." And even before she and Minkowski have completely stopped butting heads, Lovelace shoves her out of the way of an exploding wall panel that would've killed her, and takes a near-fatal bit of shrapnel to the gut in the process. At her best, Lovelace is a fearless, boundlessly determined, dedicated firebrand of a leader. At worst, she can be impatient, stubborn, shortsighted, and ruthless. I dunno about you but that reminds me of a certain... angry crab that I know.

"Time" was what a few people chimed in with for Lovelace and while I see some of the connections (her awareness of the time loop, "Variations on a Theme", her multiple selves and multiple deaths, the repeated motif of clocks and pocketwatches) I don't think she quite fits in with the other Time players. Unlike most Time players, she doesn't have a fixation with historic context, the "Why Things Are The Way That They Are." This manifests in Dave's paleontology and his taking of source material for ironic twisting, Aradia's archaeology and knowledge of The Nature Of The Game, Damara's... /noises and vague gestures bc I don't want to go back through Meenahbound but her role as The Handmaid fits the pattern, and Caliborn's own warped, thoughtless replication of narrative archetypes. Context. Decisions. What came before and how it shapes the now, where your decisions will take it from here. The consequences those decisions will have. The details versus the larger picture. Even failure has its place in that scheme - that's the Time aspect. Lovelace doesn't like to dwell, she's a very "barrelling forward momentum" kind of person.

Side note: Aradia, Dave, and Damara all face hesitation to take action they had to learn to overcome. Also, all of them had to be pushed to use violence except in self-defense; Aradia let Vriska cross a series of lines before beating the everloving shit out of her, and Damara snapped after what, years? Of Meenah's abuse. Dave, on the other hand, never raises a hand to another person except as a complete necessity. Caliborn is, if anything, an aberration here in that he's outright homocidal and self-doubt is something that happens to other people. Caliborn is an outright aberration to a lot of Time player patterns, and to SBURB in general, because it's SBURB, so the rules are made up and the points don't fucking matter, except when they do, because Fuck You, The Author Said So.

No, Lovelace's approach to decision-making is that regrets are for afterwards, and "if I fail I deserve to be out of this picture; also, this situation has gone entirely pear-shaped, time to fling myself into the sun." (and that sounds an awful lot like someone that I know very well, but I'll deal with that royal mess when I get to the crazy whamma-jamma that is Classes). Impatience and railroading of other people can be her undoing just the same as assertiveness and decisiveness are her gifts.

...aaand then I went ahead and watched the live episode and yeah, major Karkat vibes there. However, I note that I don't believe we have ever hit hard evidence in Homestuck that Blood players are capable of Chilling The Fuck Out - this is part of the limitations of classpecting characters who weren't made for this system, you really have to dig into how much of their behavior is situational and where you see the kernel of individual perception shine through, the Rosetta Stone by which you begin to see the constants. "Where the object becomes the subject", to quote Memoria.

Finally, I think it's also worth noting that while Lovelace has a lot of connections to Time motifs, she also has connections to a lot of Blood motifs that arguably become more important to her story. Personal bonds and social justice are two of the Blood aspects strongest associations - see Lovelace's loyalty to her crew, and extending her desire to avenge them out to everyone Goddard Futuristics has ever used and tossed aside. The physical body and literal blood are other strong associations, and gee, how many times does the O-negative Cure-All Alien Juice in Lovelace's veins become a critical plot point? Not to mention the implication that her new friends all pulled through the finale because all of them now have her blood in their system. I'll accept that she's closer to the line between Blood and Time than some, but I'm holding by ground here:

(Also, here's some irony for you, she may share an aspect with the Cancer trolls, but her birthday is August 11th, making her a Leo.)

RENEE MINKOWSKI: Minkowski was the hardest of these 4 to come to a decision on. My first inclination was Mind. Her general disposition put me in mind of a Life player. But then, I sat down and thought my way past the Commander's layers of emotional armor and ultimately settled on Light.

First off, by being a stickler for protocol and procedure as well as an Actual Responsible Adult, Minkowski is a kind of character that Homestuck straight-up just does not have, so snap judgements aren't gonna cut it here. This is, again, another limitation of the classpecting system - all the examples we have to draw from are teenage disasters stuck in a lawless hellscape of some description or another, and written by an author allergic to boxing himself in with hard conclusions. But I digress.

Commander Minkowski is also stubborn. When she sets her mind to something, she digs in her heels, cranks the dial to 11, and then breaks off the knob and pockets it so you can't turn it back down. We see this as soon as episode 2, and at it's most hyperbolic when she Captain Ahabs the plant monster. Her's is iron-willed, bloody-minded, unstoppable, Determi-fucking-nation - when she sets her mind to it.

The submarine thought exercise is what had me initially lock her down as a hero of Mind before I mulled it over. The exercise is meant to provoke thought about priorities - what you think your role's purpose is in that situation will determine your priorities, and thus, your decisions. Mind heroes' most prominent skills are in riding the flow of causality, watching decisions, their causes and their consequences, and directing that path. They know people, and how to direct people. But the need for this means that they can get a little co-dependent. Other people are understandable - it's themselves that Mind heroes have the greatest struggle with. Without that vehicle of another person, Mind heroes may find themselves adrift and struggling to define themselves. This is fitting, given Mind is the most direct counterpart to the Heart aspect.

However, upon further examination, I found that this framework of priorities setting your decisions can also be extended to the Light aspect. What is "lucky" in a given situation? What do you define as a fortunate outcome? Rose arguably gets Grimdark'd by something like this, she asks the cue ball "are the horrorterrors evil?" and in doing so attempts to pry into the motivations and intent of *indescribable eldritch beings existing on a nigh-incomprehensible plane* and wedge it down into a relative human understanding of morality, which is sort of like trying to fit the Pacific Ocean into a water bottle. She was trying to deduce what impact the horrorterrors would have upon her and her friends, but asked the wrong question and got an answer she couldn't handle. She didn't recognize Doc Scratch was baiting her into this by leading her into a specific framework through which to ask the question. Vriska died because of her failure to recognize she was in a situation where luck didn't matter. Aranea got trounced because of her inability to recognize that reshuffling reality to prioritize herself and her preferred outcomes still didn't overcome the fundamental nature of timelines - you try to take over the alpha timeline with an insubordinate branch? That's a doomed timeline no matter how you slice it, and we know what happens to those. Luck and knowledge are both used by the Light-bound to give themselves power, whether in showing themselves off as The Smart One or the The Helpful One or The Unstoppable One, but their limited viewpoint often leads them to overlook the limitations of their own framework, or in other words, missing the bigger picture. I'll point out here also how Minkowski has the entire DSSPPM memorized and is the one who wants to get to the bottom of whatever the hell is really going on up at Wolf 359. Additionally, one of her other ambitions, at least once upon a time, was writing musicals. The verbal arts are one of the domains of Light players.

So while on the surface, Minkowski bears the most resemblance to a Life player, Life players tend to have an element of conformity to them. Unquestioned assumptions they've internalized have about the context in which they exist. Light heroes, on the other hand, need conformity so they have something to defy when they jump up and down screaming LOOK AT ME!

So after much pontificating, I came to a decision. In the end, what Minkowski wanted more than anything else was a stage. Maybe to direct rather than hold the spotlight, but still; that's a Light hero if ever I saw one.

#wolf 359 #homestuck #classpect meta #holy crossover batman #wolf 359 classpects

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aleapoffaithfiction · 5 years

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This is not a coincidence  And far more than a lucky chance  But what is that was always meant  Is our ribbon in the sky for our love, love  - Stevie Wonder

Am I a pessimist?

History has shown that it is quite laughable that Americans celebrate Thanksgiving and yet every year, we flood the grocery stores spending hundreds of dollars to prepare a meal for a large number of people who we most likely won’t see or communicate with until the very next year when they’ve come to freeload from our dining room table all over again for the same ol’ holiday. It’s all in “thanks” though, right?

I think Thanksgiving is more of a performance for my mother than it is a time for thankfulness and bonding. It often feels like the event of the month for the neighborhood and she seems to hypothetically leave the door open for anyone to either drop by to have a couple of words with her or sit down to have a plate of the feast made by the hands of she, my sister, and myself. It’s also a day for her to head into her closet to pull out pieces of her more expensive attire that she likely purchased with my Nordstrom credit card. Today, when the apron came off, she only claimed to be freshening up, but upon exiting her bedroom she was donning a Roland Mouret dress and Christian Louboutin “Piagelle” pumps. I found myself scratching my head in confusion at the manner in which the pale orange material skimmed over her frame like a second skin. Though subtle, the seams were angular in their waist-defining approach. I hadn’t seen her wear anything that formfitting since the last date night she and my father enjoyed before his untimely death. The pearl set she paired with it was typical. She swears every woman should have a set of them though the world has certainly moved on to strictly gem stones. Thankfully, she didn’t put together a clutch bag or purse because I probably would have screamed in mental agony at how ridiculous she would have looked. Like a woman competing for a pageant, she’s been working the rooms filled with people all throughout the house for clout that she doesn’t need in the slightest.

“You still hiding in this corner?” I didn’t have to look up to know it was Kyle. Every year he flies up here from Miami to spend the holiday with Preston and my sister, so he ends spending the holiday right here in Brooklyn at my mom’s like the rest of us. Initially, I thought they’d pushed Kyle in my direction because we’re not that far apart in age and could probably relate on some things, but over these past two years I now know it’s because yet again Celeste thinks that she’s found someone who can be a good match for me. She does her most fucked up rendition of cupid whenever she comes across a man who she’d be interested in herself if she weren’t married and then she pushes him in my direction. I fell for her bullshit with Shamel but it will never happen again. Also, her husband’s brother? That’s entirely too close for comfort.

“It’s my preferred place to be when I’m not feeling the atmosphere.”

“What are you drinking?”

“Merlot.” I’ve been babysitting this glass of wine for over an hour now. My tongue is yearning for a Don Julio Paloma. If I don’t get home too late tonight, I’m absolutely going to fix one for myself while I watch whatever movie that’s OnDemand that I missed out on while it was in the theaters.

“I think Preston has some Barcardi in there. You want some?”

“No, I’m okay with this.” I only made the decision to indulge as a literal painkiller. I needed something to relax my body after having mostly been on my feet since early yesterday morning when I was rushed out of my bed to go and pick up a few last-minute items from Walmart.

I had no choice but to leave Odell tangled in top sheet and blanket as I quietly readied myself and put together an overnight bag for the following day. I thought I’d at least be able to make him breakfast but her demanding phone calls did not cease until I was actually at the store. As of now, my feet are viciously aching and I barely have enough energy to move my mouth to speak to everyone, let alone walk around. I’ve been wanting to go to sleep since I ate and I’m mentally cursing myself out for choosing to wear these boots, though they’re one of my most comfortable pairs.

“I think it’s cool that you all host this every year. My family always went to my grandmother’s for holidays. We never hosted anything at the house because my folks were never into that.” Neither am I. Maybe that’ll change when I have my own family, but as of right now, I’d rather keep my home as the safe haven that it is.

“Yeah, we’ve been doing it as far back as my memory goes. I feel like my father set the precedent. He was a people person and chose to have an open-door policy within the neighborhood. It used to be the one trait about him that drove my mother insane, but somehow, she adjusted to it and opened herself up to understanding why he chose to be that way. If people needed anything, they knew they could come here and we’d help out somehow. I guess you can say that our blessings were fruitful so that we’d be able to share them with others.” Though he’s no longer with us, I’ve kept his gems about being about the community embedded into my conscious. I donate to women’s shelters, the Boys and Girls Clubs, afterschool programs within the inner-city schools, and I’m working on creating recreational weekend sports camps for this up and coming summer.

“You look a lot like him.”

“Yeah, my looks definitely lean in his direction.”

“Great looks, by the way.” With a faint chuckle, my shoulders slouched in an adjustment for the slight aches in my back. Living alone has its perks and not having to constantly stand in front of a hot stove every day is one of them. The last time I stood on my feet for hours cooking was last year, this time. I’m just not used to it.

“Thanks, Kyle.”

“So, what’s it like being on ESPN? I know that it was always a dream of yours and it’s cool as hell to see you sitting up there. I feel like often times when we look at public figures on television, it almost seems like jobs like that are so far out of our reach and yet look at you. It’s impressive.”

“It’s great. It still feels surreal and then it has its pressure and stressfulness too. It’s a job in every single sense and I think a lot of people don’t think about it that way. A lot of people look at the glitz and glamor of it, but there’s so much that goes into our panel being able to sit there and entertain people every morning with our sports knowledge and banter.”

“I believe you. I know there’ll be a lot of work to put in for it, but is the goal to have your own show?”

“I don’t know. I’ve thought about it and sometimes it sounds ideal and other times I feel like I want to do something more. I don’t know if I want to spend the rest of my life on television but I probably wouldn’t mind it either depending up on the circumstances. I’m trying to figure that out. I know I want to create my own sports platform or possibly be in collaboration with another black creative or many of them to create something for us and by us. I can try and get our people in the door at ESPN but that final say isn’t mine, you know? And that fucks with me.” It still makes me chuckle when people call Scott the “token white” on our panel but it makes perfect sense in all of the wrong ways. His overdone sarcasm and constant need to play the devil’s advocate doesn’t negate his talent but could they have added a black journalist in his place? Would they have is the real question? I can’t call it.

“I feel you. I feel the same way. In tech, there aren’t many of us. I spend a lot of time going to speak at historically black colleges to persuade students to bring their talents to the field. You’d be surprised how a lot of the internal parts or software programming for some of our favorite gadgets are created from ideas young talented blacks have either sold or got swept under the table over due to fucked up contracts. I’m doing my best to change that reality, because I’m not slaving for anybody and none of us shouldn’t have to.”

“Cheers to that.” As our glasses clinked, I nodded in appreciation. Kyle and I always have great conversations and if Celeste weren’t so pressed for me to romantically pursue him, I think we’d be great friends. He’s progressive in all the right ways.

“Pictures please! You know I do a Facebook photo album every year. Stand up Sarai.” She came out of nowhere like a bat out of hell. I hadn’t even heard her Jimmy Choos clacking against the floor. I’m now finally realizing that both she and mommy have the same curls in their hair. What a kiss ass. I’ve been rocking a hat since guests began to arrive. After having sweated out my hair in the kitchen, I couldn’t be bothered with slaving in the bathroom with a flat iron trying to fix the pity. This slicked back ponytail will have to be until Anna fixes me up tomorrow.

“I’m not standing up.”

“Don’t be a sour grape.”

“My feet hurt. You can take one or two with me sitting right here.” Though she prepared her phone for the photos, it didn’t happen without her childishly rolling her eyes and stomping one heel clad foot. Kyle allowed it to be a solo moment by standing up and stepping away from the warm mantle of the fireplace. Even with the bit of makeup I put on to mask the exhaustion, I know I’m not in a picture worthy state but I’ll compromise for the sake of not having to hear her go on an attention seeking rant.

“Can you at least smile?”

“This is not a photo shoot. Take the pictures and send them to me when you finish. You’re not going to have me looking crazy online.” She took them, but without flash, and that within itself left me weary of her intentions. I’m slumming it in my joggers and this little off the shoulder top I randomly found on a clearance rack at Wet Seal. It damn near looks like I dressed myself in pure darkness but I’m making it work enough for myself alone. I wasn’t wearing pearls either way.

“I sent them. They’re cute.”

Surprisingly, they are. Daddy swears both Celeste and I get our photographic nature from our mother. He had a thing for constantly either videotaping or snapping pictures of us around the house or during family outings. Keepsakes of that kind have always been a tradition on his side of the family and he felt compelled to instill that in our household so that the future generations could use it all to piece together our family’s tree and history.

Everything we have is idly collecting sheets of dust in the lower cabinets of the entertainment center in the living and that’s where they’ll remain until someone has the courage to pull them out for what is sure to be the most draining emotional rollercoaster that any of us needs right now. I’m still trying to figure out how to navigate my memories of him, so I’d rather not clog it with better detailing about our days. I don’t know when I’ll get to the point of complete acceptance with a clear conscious but I’m with dealing it. For now, that’s enough.

I felt like a booty call gone wrong when you just got up and left like that. I woke up like, oh wow…

Heat flushed through my face as a fit of giggles erupted from my core at his nonsense. Not only did I text him and let him know that I left, but I wrote down the security code for the security system so he’d be able to lock the door whenever he planned to leave out.

How did you feel like a booty call when I left you in my bed? It’s not like I walked out of a hotel room on you. No one leaves booty calls in their own beds. If anything, I treated you like a booty call that I plan on calling again.

I considered waking him up, but the serene expression on his sleeping face halted my actions. The side of his face was meshed into the plush pillow on my side of the bed once he readjusted his position and though he reached for me, my absence didn’t wake him.

Oh, so that’s all I’m good for?

I despise how he has the capability of making me blush with his silly little banter and presence alone. It’s a naturalness that I’ve never experience at any of point of my life thus far and comprehending it seems undoable. My grandmother used to say that sometimes we don’t need to think but instead just feel but that is by far the most perplexing statement I’ve ever heard. All I know how to do is think, especially over these last couple of years.

Don’t be offended. At least I like it.

Like it? Lately I’ve been questioning if that’s enough to describe it. Liking it would be simple and this is anything but simple. I can do simple and blow it out of my way, but this? It’s a fucking enigma.

Happy Thanksgiving gorgeous. I’m rocking the boot today. Everyone is loving it.

Unexpectedly, an impromptu picture of himself standing in front of the grandeur double doors of his home followed his message. Per his usual, he was in loud textures that only he can get away with and hilariously covered in winter attire above the waist and summer attire below it. He wouldn’t be himself without having the crimson Supreme crossbody bag around him to perfectly match the boot. Oh, and how can I forget the phone case? Everything about his style would reek of hypebeast if it were anyone else and yet for him, it’s as uniquely expressive as his personality can be.

Handsome.

And that he is. It’s throttling.

Thank you, baby. Send me something.

The prickling in my dampening skin worsened my posture. I’ve never sent racy photographs to any man and yet the thought of sending a few to him is doing more to me than I understand, though that’s not what he’s requesting. Shamel would request them from me quite often and I’d deny him every time because the thought of laying back somewhere and spreading my thighs for a photograph of something that I barely wanted to give to him was unwarranted. On birthdays and holidays, I’d get pieces of lingerie that were satisfying to his eyes rather than well thought out gifts with aspects of my taste involved in the selection process and all of it was left in a box on the side of the street when I moved. I didn’t even deem it worthy enough to be sent out to the shelters and Goodwill's that I donate plenty of my things to.

I couldn’t bother with putting on anything special because I’m in no mood for that, so don’t judge me.

I bit the bullet by sending one of the pictures taken by the ever-nagging Celeste. Now that I’m looking at it, I know damn well I could have put on a pair of jeans with this flannel shirt.

You’re the epitome of beauty in every sense.

Not even the sudden presence of Quinton’s frame walking past me could put a damper on the gut-wrenching fluttering uncontrollably multiplying throughout every bit of me as I read his words over a few times. Does he know what he’s doing to me? Has he called my bluff? Am I exposed?

Even with a bad hair day?

I’m not completely aware of all of the details of his dating history but I’ve seen the women he has been rumored to have dated and much like anything would expect, they’re picture perfect. I don’t fit into the mold of those ideal body types who have all of their curves in the right places with a perfect set of perky boobs and an ass that is sure to make any man look back twice. I don’t even understand my shape enough to be able to describe it but I do my best to work with what I have.

Once upon a time, I thought about ridding myself of my breast insecurities by having a fat transfer done to plump them up without having to have implants inserted. Shamel didn’t make the situation any better by agreeing that I’d go from average to a dime piece if I did so. He even offered to pay for it if the insurance wouldn’t. When he and I split, I finally had the time to really sit down and consider if it was something that I desired to do for myself and it was then that I let the idea of it go. I am who I am. Laying on a surgeons table was never going to fix the issues within my mental space.

What bad hair day? I don’t see a single hair out of place. Am I still seeing you tonight? I miss you. I know it sounds weird for me to say that because we were just together, but I really do.

Not only am I physically drained and in need of my bed, but I also have to work tomorrow. I considered making this weekend a four-day weekend for myself last week but it slipped my mind to request the day off.

It doesn’t sound weird. I miss you too. I’m so tired though. You don’t want sleepy company, do you? I just want to lay in the bed.

I’m purposefully sitting on this bricked fireplace, because it’s uncomfortable and keeping me from dozing off somewhere.

Well, my bed is waiting for you to come and go to sleep in it. I don’t mind sleepy company at all. Come on.

I’m still very convinced that the universe is somehow trolling my life for whatever reason. Where did this man come from? When my prayers go beyond my loved ones and I began my requests to the man above for myself, I only pray for peace. This isn’t peace. It’s disruptive, confusing, and yet so damn earth shattering.

I’ll let you know when I’m on my way. I have work tomorrow, so I have to head to my house to grab some things so that I’ll be able to properly ready myself in the morning.

Hopefully, it’s not too late.

Sounds good. See you in a bit. Oh, and bring me some red velvet cake.

It took an additional twenty minutes of me idly sitting there to muster up the strength to move. Upon observing the room, Quinton walked past me twice without a word spoken and though it didn’t trouble me, I can’t say that I’m not shocked about his chosen tension and immaturity. I thought we’d be better than that because as he said, we have a history, and it goes beyond a date that didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to.

You win some, you lose some. Despite everything said between the two of us that night, I haven’t held any of it against his character and I probably never will because I honestly do believe that he’s a good guy with a good heart. I just think he’s lost track of who he is beyond the political career and until he figures that out, he will continue to make superficial decisions for his life all for the sake of upholding a specific public image.

“You coming to eat again?” Though everything else remain perfectly in place, mommy finally removed the heels and comfortably leaned against the kitchen’s island in a pair of Nike slippers she took out of my closet about two months ago.

“No. I can’t eat another bite. I’m just going to take some dessert with me for right now and then I’ll come over tomorrow after work for anything else I have a taste for.” I’m going to bring Beckham some red velvet cake, pineapple upside-down rum cake, and a bit of banana pudding. That should more than satisfy his sweet tooth. I handled all of the desserts this year. Next year, I’ll be damned if Celeste doesn’t help me.

“You look tired. I told you if you’d get into that kitchen of yours more often, you’d be used to this.”

“Cooking for a neighborhood of people? Not really.”

“Cooking for your family.”

“I cooked with my family, which counts for something. I don’t have a family of my own and I’m not sure if or when that’s going to happen for me, so I haven’t cared to train myself. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. The fact is, I actually do know how to cook, so I’ll be fine either way.”

“You could have a family of your own but you choose to avoid it.” If I’m avoiding anything, it’s where this conversation is about to go.

“With Quinton? Yeah, I’m sure that makes sense to you but it never will for me and I don’t appreciate you inserting yourself into that situation. I’m perfectly capable of choosing who I will and will not involve myself with romantically. I don’t need any lobs or assists from you.”

“If you’re so capable of choosing, why haven’t you chosen anyone? Why is he not worthy of a proper chance? You didn’t even try.”

“There was nothing to try. I’m not interested. I get it, though. It looks like it makes sense since we come from the same background, have success stories while coming out of the same neighborhood, and his mother and yourself can relate in ways that are both painful and triumphant, but it’s not going to work for me.” Quinton and I look good on paper. We’re ideal in the general sense, but anything beyond that? We’re a disaster waiting to happen.

“So, what is? You live in that huge home of yours all alone and you want to do that for the rest of your life? I worry that you’ll actually do that. Companionship is a good thing, Sarai. Having someone around to balance out life with you is healthy. Celeste has her own life and though I am your mother, you need more than just my shoulder to lean on whenever you take a break from that overly done independent woman rampage, you’re on.” Rampage? If anyone’s on a rampage, it’s her. She’s on a rampage for me to be barefoot and pregnant while being subservient to someone not even worth my troubles.

“Whatever I do will be my decision and I’ll have to live with that, not you. You’re so adamant about all of this, but you don’t even know half of the shit I went through with Shamel. So, excuse me for not being as enthusiastic about settling down as you need me to be. As I said before, I don’t know if or when it’ll happen, but I’ll be okay either way. Sometimes I wonder if the only time you’ll be proud of me is when I put on a big fluffy white dress and vow my life over to someone, because you certainly don’t show it when it comes to anything else that I do.”

“Oh, nonsense. Don’t do that Sarai. You know that I’m proud of you.”

“Well, you have a poor way of showing it. Excuse me.”

I had to put the banana pudding in a small plastic to go bowl because I didn’t want it to touch the pieces of cake I had on the plate. I don’t know about him, but occasionally I can be super anal when certain food touches one another. It throws the taste off.

“It’s late and since the crowd in here has died down, I’m going to head home. I have to work in the morning. I’ll be over here tomorrow.”

“You sure about that?”

“I’m sure.” I’m not cooking anything, so leftovers it is. I’m definitely coming.

“Well, give me a hug and kiss before you go.” I fulfilled her request immediately. I would have done so whether she asked or not. No matter what we disagree about, she is my mother. I don’t allow our indifference to steer me from that reality. I have one parent now and I’m going to nurture that as best as I can for as long as I’m granted to. I’d rather not live with any regrets.

“Drive safely and let us know when you get home.”

“Will do.”

People being slumped inside of the comfort of their homes or someone else’s seemed to keep the traffic down. I avoided the tolls by taking the FDR drive and Harlem River drive to Hudson Terrance in Fort Lee. Even Exit 73 was clear and I always tend to hit a bit of a slowdown whenever I’m coming from that direction.

The sight of my bed enticed me like no other as I lazily put together all that I needed to make the morning go as smoothly as possible while I drag and dread having to make that commute to Bristol. I’m going to need the most potently caffeinated cup of coffee while driving myself up there and I’ll probably need another for the commute back. That aside, having no plans for the weekend is absolutely official. I intend to sleep until my body can’t take it anymore.

On my way.

The anticipation to be within his presence battled the fatigue like the fiercest gladiator and that yearning carried me back out of the door and into my car. Even if I attempted to pass out, the guilt of standing him up would have kept me wide awake and staring up at my ceiling. I’m not even sure what to call Beckham but he’s my…something.

Taylor’s my person in the same manner that Meredith Grey is to Christina Yang. Is Beckham, McDreamy? Are our souls tying within that manner? It’s terrifying to think about and even more distressing to know that in some manner, it feels that way.

With Eris and Khan idly walking around the entry driveway to his home, there he sat awaiting my presence. It was the sight of the headlights that alert him to stand to his feet and I barely had the car in park before he was standing alongside the driver’s side of it.

“Glad you made it safely.” As the seatbelt slid back into its proper position, he leaned in and I instantly pressed my lips into the warmth of his for the kiss we both seemed to have been anticipating.

“You didn’t have to wait out here in the cold. I could have rung the bell.”

“It’s nothing. It’s not that bad out here anyway.” It was his strength that pulled me out of the seat and I was thankful for it because I know I would have sat there for much longer than necessary. The Chanel bag he gifted to me was all I had to carry inside, because he handled the rest.

The chattering coming from the kitchen and the low music was to be expected but with it nearing almost midnight, it was clear that whatever crowd he had in the house before had already gone home.

“That’s momma, Jazzy, and Kordell in there. They knew you were coming. You cool with saying hey?”

“Of course. I can’t just come in here and not speak.”

“You’re tired.”

“Tired, but not rude.”

There’s something about being in the house with his family that unnerved me. It’s not their presence but instead the circumstances for why I’m here. Family tends to be perceptive and how would his feel knowing that I’m likely going to lay alongside him in his bed tonight as I rest? It’ll be no marital bed.

Despite our ages, it doesn’t prevent people from side eying or negativity whispering about whatever it is they’re frowning down upon. Heather and I mutually admire one another and I’d hate for her to no longer feel the same way about me or believe that I’m a poor influence for her daughter.

“Sarai! You made it. Happy Thanksgiving.” Her long arms pulled me in for the bear hugs that she always gives. They’re comforting and reassuring; maternal and yet friendly all at once.

“Happy Thanksgiving. How are you?”

“I’m so good. Look Jazzy. Meet Sarai. Sarai this is O’s little sister Jasmine and his little brother Kordell. Sonny’s sleeping.” In some ways, the both of them resemble him, especially Kordell. He’s literally the milk chocolate version of his older brother. In just my short moments of observing him, they also have similar mannerisms in the way they shift and squint their eyes.

“Wait, so this is your girl? This is the one? She be on TV with Kobe.”

“Kordell, shut up. It’s nice to meet you, Sarai. My brother speaks very highly of you.”

“You do too. Don’t try to water down the fangirling you be doing.” Beckham needed to put them on blast in order to save himself from the playful embarrassment they were attempting to inflict on him. I was once just as annoying to Celeste whenever she’d bring company over to the house. Even though we didn’t share a room, I’d deliberately invade her privacy just to be an annoying ass.

“I am a fan.” There was pride in her tone.

“I appreciate it Jazzy. Thank you.”

“How was your Thanksgiving? Did you spend it with family?” In her usual behavior whenever I’m here, Eris circled my feet and I leaned over to give her the attention she craved.

“It was nice. I spent it in Brooklyn with my mom, sister, and brother-in-law. Some family stopped by and a whole bunch of neighborhood friends. My mom likes to do it big for Thanksgiving, so it was busy.”

“It sounds like a good time though.”

“It was. It turned out nicely.” People kept the peace. I suppose that’s nice enough. I’ve been at family functions when shit has gone left and arguments happened.

“That’s good. Are you hungry? We have plenty.”

“I’m stuffed, but I love leftovers, so tomorrow sounds like a plan.” I could raid his fridge and my mothers. Either way, I can’t lose.

“You’re welcome to whatever you like. We were just getting ready to start…” Before she could finish the statement about the UNO game they were soon to begin, her impatient son cut her off.

“She’s tired. She has to get up for work in the morning.”

“If you wanted her all to yourself, all you had to do was say so.” What his siblings didn’t accomplish, she had. The rosiness flushing throughout his face tickled me into an uncontrollable laughter, that eventually both his mother and sister joined in on.

“She really does have to get up for work in the morning.”

“I do, but I can play a round of UNO. It’s no big deal.”

“You can play tomorrow. You need to sleep.” He held his hand out for me as if I were a stubborn child. If I weren’t so tired, I would have given him a run for his money at one of my all-time favorite card games. I know he hates losing.

“Well, goodnight.” I waved before latching my hand onto his own. Can this get anymore awkward? I should have just told him to come over to my place. Next time, I will.

“Goodnight.” It was all in unison with their attention completely locked into to whatever they assume is going on between one of the most important people to them and myself. I’m not sure what he’s told them but they’re well aware that we’re beyond just being friendly. At this point, even the dimmest person could pick up on it.

“I put extra towels, wash clothes, and a toothbrush in the bathroom for you. I’m not sure if you brought your own soap, but I took some Dove body wash from out of the bathroom my momma uses whenever she’s in town and staying here. I’ll plug your phone up and sit it on the nightstand for you.”

As soon as I removed my coat, he grabbed it and walked off to hang it on the outskirts of his closet. I’d been in his bedroom before but I didn’t necessarily observe every detail about it, but it’s very telling of the demanding career that he leads. Though a master suite in size, it’s fairly simple in décor and yet exudes the masculinity that I expect. Given that he’s highly detailed and puts plenty of thought into the attire that covers his body, I’m surprised that he hasn’t hired an interior design team to come in and turn the entire house into something out of an art gallery.

“I know you’re not hungry, but do you want anything to drink?” While I rummaged through my bag, I could hear the paws of the doors pattering against the wooden floors as they made their way into his personal space.

“No, I’m okay. I do need something to sleep in though. My sleepy ass forgot to pack that.” I don’t even remember attempting to find pajamas. I was so preoccupied with finding the perfect dress to wear on air and after that, decorating for Christmas. There’s always a mixture of dread and excitement about that. That’s one of the downsides of living alone. I have to spend days putting everything up on my own and it’s not easy.

“I got you. Hold on.” Yet again, he headed in the direction of his closet. At home? I only sleep in actual pajamas if I have company. Other than that, I’m usually in bed in damn near nothing. It’s comfortable and less of a hassle.

“Okay, here’s a shirt.” I knew it would be something Giants related. I’m sure that he has thousands of team related shirts that he hasn’t worn.

“What kind of shorts do you want? The cotton Nike ones are soft and light. Or do you want sweats? You want socks too?”

“The shirt is fine. That’s all I need.” Everything else will eventually end up on the floor if I put them on.

“Okay.”

I didn’t have to ask for privacy. As soon as he placed the shirt on the bed, I was left alone with the dogs once he walked out and closed the door behind himself. He’d given me more than enough time to change, brush my teeth, and even get settled into the coziness of his California king bed. The plushness of his ice grey down comforter was coaxing me into the perfect relaxation for slumber and yet I couldn’t refrain from rocking my hips, snapping my fingers, and mumbling along to Stevie Wonder’s “Higher Ground”. It wasn’t loud at all, but the volume was up just enough for me to be able to make out the song. Stevie’s soulfulness has always been a part of the extensive musical collection in my mother’s living room. His sounds were our Saturday morning clean up music during my childhood and that tradition followed me all the way to my own home.

“You’re an old soul too?” His amusement didn’t go unnoticed upon his reentry.

“I don’t have much of a choice but to be that. I get it from the two who made me.” I wonder if he allows the dogs on the bed. If it were my bed, I’d allow it. They’re so lovable, even in their massive size and intimidating demeanors.

“Stevie’s only on because my momma’s here. This is a Future household.” He could barely contain his own laughter. Future?

“Oh, how enjoying it is to listen to the misogynistic raps of Hip-Hop’s walking sperm bank.” Why do women fuck Future? I need a 60 Minutes episode about that.

“He’s just misunderstood.”

“I will kick you out of your own room. Misunderstood? He’s a demon.” Though I couldn’t see him, I could hear his laughter loud and clear. I can’t front, I can and will hit the dance floor to some of those infectious trap records created by the Atlanta native but the antics of his personal life are atrocious. No, but seriously, why do women subject themselves to him? Is the dick that lethal?

“A demon huh?” I couldn’t respond. The muscles in my throat contracted into a tightness that forced my frame back against the pillows as my lips fell agape at the sight of his tattoo covered skin. His chiseled abs aside, there’s something about the manner in which the ink is etched into his golden skin that is worthy of being displayed in the Louvre. Every bit of it tells a story that I want to run my fingers over and know thoroughly from start to finish. I want to plant kisses on the areas that are representative of past pain and marvel over those that are picturesque versions of his triumph.

“That’s exactly what he is.” I wasn’t as edgy as I am now when he was in my bed and yet as he joins me in his own, I nearly want to run to the opposite side of the room. As he did that night, he stretched out his arm to invite me into his space and I slid over to the middle of the bed to meet his warmth. With one press of a button near the bed, the lights were off, setting the complete mood for the few hours of sleep that I’m going to get.

“Am I forcing you to go to bed early? You’re a night owl.”

“I’m only a night owl because having surgery ruined my sleep schedule. When you don’t have much else to do, you tend to occupy your time with crap that’ll keep you up. Video games were it for me.”

“I miss being a night owl. Nowadays, I struggle staying up past ten. This is why I hope the show moves to New York. We’re currently in on and off negotiations about that. We’re also tossing around the idea of doing a few weeks in the Los Angeles during the summers with a live audience just to change the scenery of the show. Hopefully it goes through.”

“That would be great. You’d be closer to home and L.A. is always a nice change of scenery. I’m sure Kobe would love that too.”

“Yeah, he’s definitely the one who’s advocating for that idea.”

“And we’d be together in either city, because the timing would permit it. That’s perfect, actually.” He does spend his off seasons in the West, so I can see why he made note of that.

“It could be perfect. Fingers crossed; it works out.”

Our limbs were like magnets as they intertwined at different points and he’d idly plant a kiss on my forehead seemingly every ten to fifteen seconds.

I wouldn’t consider either one of us worthy of musical recording contracts and yet as the medley of Stevie’s “Ribbon in the Sky” faintly played below us, hums from the both of us drowned out his vocal delivery. The depth and rasp of his lulled me beyond what his warmth and the comfort was already doing. It inflicted a tranquil sense of drowning that I welcomed and yet the manner in which is large palm lightly grazed over the heated skin of my inner thigh ignited a ravenous blaze for him. The seat of my flimsy barely there panties dampened with every thrashing throb of my center. I haven’t been touched in so long, I’m afraid to know if I just unraveled from a gesture so simple.

A dewiness flushed over my skin as my heart thumped against my chest in a quickened rage. The pressure ignited that natural yearning that any woman should have when lying next to the man of her affection and I have no way of being able to reach over to my own nightstand, open the draw, and grab the blackened vibrating device to handle this myself. I had to move over for the sake of my sanity and most of all, to lessen the possibility of humiliation. His now resting body didn’t allow the distance to last as long as I needed it to.

Yet again, his hand met the inside of my thigh and drew me into his side as I once was before. The aroma of his intoxicating fragrance slithered up my nose as I was locked into place with his arm, which coaxed me to whimper at such an endearing torture.

God, help me.

The scenic sunrise was my company in the shower after hitting the snooze button twice to extend the comfort that I didn’t want to lose. With a lack of regard for time, I prolonged my minutes in his state-of-the-art shower just as much. It’s the first time in a long time that I’m sorrowfully dreading stepping onto that set to do what I love to do.

“Good morning.” I attempted to be quiet but I must have not done a good enough job. As his frame towered behind me, he trailed kisses up my back, ahead of the zipper that he was pulling up from the back of my maroon pencil style dress. At home, I unraveled a wire hanger and turned it into my own personal hooked zipper closer. I prefer this. The feel of his lips pressing against my skin and the aura of his being surrounding me supersedes that any day.

“Good morning.”

Although I’ll be doing my make-up routine in my dressing room, I still moisturized my face and applied a decent amount of lip gloss to my lips as while he stood at the sink brushing his teeth. I’m not even sure if concealer will be able to do much hiding of my exhaustion today. My eyes are literally burning because they’re open and I have a budding headache just waiting to worsen as soon as I walk out of the door.

“I’m going downstairs to let the dogs outside.”

“Okay.”

I chose comfort for the commute with my favorite black Nike slippers and carried my Jimmy Choo pumps in the dust bag I keep them protected in. I didn’t bother switching purses, although the Chanel one is no match to this dress. No one’s going to see it and right now, I don’t give a shit.

While sitting on the bed, I texted Chad to take pictures of the agenda and send it over so that I can glance over it once I hit traffic, because there’s no doubt that maybe forty minutes into the commute, I will. If I can get a head start on reading over it, our briefing will be a few minutes and I’ll be able to take somewhat of a cat nap before we’re on air. If I’m not mistaken, Isaiah Thomas is coming by to speak with us today about how he’s adjusting to life in Cleveland. Boston’s decision to trade him was one hell of a shocker to the public and a blow that he took extremely personally after not only dedicating all of his loyalty to the team, but even continuing to do so after the loss of his sister. So, no matter how worn out I am, I certainly want to be alert to ask him a few of my own burning questions.

Yet again, I did my best to remain quiet as I maneuvered through the second floor of the house and descended down the staircase to the first. No one else was awake with the exception of us and the dogs, who were all highly alert and within close proximity to me.

“I thought you’d come down sooner.” He was in the silver reflective goose coat that he greeted me in last night and I’m even more in love with it now. If I can’t find it to buy on my own, I’m going to plead with him for his because he’s probably never going to wear it again. I have some Maison Martin Margiela boots that would be perfect with it.

“I’m dragging. What’s that?”

“Your breakfast.” In one hand is what appears to be some kind of a green thick smoothie and in the other is a bag with God knows what in it. He hates coffee and the way it makes him feel, so the smoothie makes sense.

“Thank you, babe.”

“Uhm. You coming back here when you get off?” With every inch we moved closer to the door, his four-legged protectors were right along with us.

“After I drop by my mom’s.”

“Okay.”

The awaiting SUV completely caught me off guard because I hadn’t requested a driver. Should I have? Absolutely, because I don’t feel like driving, but did I? Nope. I didn’t do a lot of things that I should have done this week. This is why I need to spend my weekend in the bed.

“You called?”

“You’re tired.”

His simple explanation made more sense than anything that I can think of.

“While you’re at work, think about coming to Louisiana with me.” He held my things while I slid into the backseat. Louisiana?

“When?”

“Tonight.”

“You’re joking, right?”

“No.”

“What’s in Louisiana?”

“Home.” I already knew the answer and yet I asked.

“I’ll consider it.”

“That’s all I ask. Gimmie them lips.” There was no hesitation. If anything, it was lingering and nearly enough to make me truant on ESPN.

“I’ll be watching.”

“Thank you. See you later.” I snuck another taste of his lips for a good day and closed the door on my own.

I prepared to nearly gag at the green concoction he blended together for me, but ended up pleasantly surprised at its appeasing taste. Though it was kale, the medley of pineapple, mango, and banana served as a balance. Inside of the bag? Chobani yogurt, crackers, and Sargento string cheese. He remembered my odd choices for a favorite snack. I never remember to put together any of that stuff the night before or right before I’m leaving out for work. I don’t even need to stop for a crappy sandwich at Dunkin Donuts now. I owe him, because this is perfect.

“Any requests for the radio ma’am or should I turn the Bluetooth on?”

“Bluetooth, please.”

I let my Stevie Wonder playlist on Apple Music do its thing. “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” instantly began my usual solo backseat party. Usually it happens on a Friday as I’m on my way home from work, but on this particular Friday, I’ll be partying both ways.

Louisiana sounds like a nice trip.

#fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #fan fic #odell beckham jr fanfic #odell beckham fanfic

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cat-at-dawn · 6 years

Text

IN DEFENSE OF THE DEATH OF ████████ , AND AN ARGUMENT AGAINST SUICIDE

This one’s for the manga readers! Post-volume 19 meta, spoilers aplenty! read at your own risk

Though the literal iteration of the death of Ash Lynx can be viewed as a purposeful shuffle from this mortal coil, a specific decision made with weight to return to the New york Public Library to live out his last moments dwelling on Eiji’s letter only to intentionally fade away, here stands a lonely argument; out of the entire cast, no one person deserves death in the same capacity more than Ash Lynx does, and his death is not a suicide. Let’s break it down.

Out of all of the MANY problematic elements of Banana Fish, not even trying to hazard which offense is worse than the next, we can all simultaneously agree that one of the most heartbreaking twists of the series comes at the end of volume 19, when after receiving Eiji’s goodbye letter, which essentially amounts to an incredibly pure love declaration, Ash allows himself to be mentally distracted long enough for Sing’s brother Lao to deliver a killing stab to his intestines. Though Lao dies shortly after Ash’s retaliation, Ash continues to linger in a liminal place. The question hangs in the mind of the reader, if Ash approached a happy ending, why would he not seek hospitalization? Why would he allow himself to bleed out? The manga strikes back hard at the reader with a quite prolonged death sequence, in which Ash retreats to his favorite place to be alone, the New York Public Library, where, with a smile on his face, he falls into a peaceful sleep and dies at a reading table while clutching Eiji’s now bloody love letter. What is the nature of his mindset which dictates this course of action? Why, with Eiji hale and hearty, would Ash choose death instead of medical treatment and a possibly much happier ending to this tale of woe? At this point, I can only wonder if we, the readership, have read the same story. The ending of Banana Fish is hotly debated, and even though as a queer storyteller myself I fundamentally have trouble with gay death as a narrative element, I can’t help but question why people can’t empathize more with Ash’s decision. When judging the manga as a standing piece, I can’t think of a more satisfying, or simply more correct turn of events.

Directly out of the gate, Ash’s death is foreshadowed in the title of the series. A Perfect Day For Banana Fish is a short story by J.D. Salinger which follows the last day in the life of mentally ill World War 2 veteran Seymour Glass, who befriends a little girl while on vacation at the beach. He invites her to catch bananafish with him, and explains that the greedy fish enter holes to gorge themselves on bananas, but become too large to escape again and instead perish in the hole. Later, Seymour returns to his room where his wife is sleeping, and he kills himself. Salinger relates this as a metaphor for his own personal experience in the war, specifically to his time at the Battle of the Bulge and in Nazi concentration camps. He is quoted saying Seymour is an iteration of himself, and has gone so far as to say that he “found it impossible to fit into a society that ignored the truth that he now knew.” The point of the story has always been to examine the irreversible damage done to the human psyche by war. The Perfect Day referenced in the title is exactly that; the quest of a broken man lacking the power to overcome his trauma to find exactly the perfect day to die. So it also is with Ash, we understand from the very beginning that making this direct analogy to Salinger means the manga will be the slow disclosure of someone who is irrevocably damaged by their circumstance as they come to terms with the moment of their own death. From the very first panel you see him, Ash’s death is already fated, and truly the most heart-rending struggle of the series is watching him grapple with this identity, up to nearly the very last second. As a reader, we continuously keep hoping and praying that he might, against all odds, find salvation despite literally every piece of contrary evidence suggesting otherwise. We have violent affection for Ash as a hero, and we want him so badly to live on, to make it to the other side. He both finds salvation and doesn’t find it, because like everything else about this manga, Ash operates thematically on contradictory levels all the way through the story and on to the bitter end. Let’s break it down even further, by considering exactly just how fucked Ash really is.

Ash is born Aslan Jade Callenrese, and then quickly discarded. He briefly experiences a short period of normalcy with the love of his brother and distant father before Griffin is drafted. Almost immediately after, Ash is raped by the Bluebeard of Cape Cod and then blamed for it, and from then on, his life is a progression of non-stop horror. He is kidnapped by Marvin who repeatedly rapes him over a period of years. He is sold into sexual servitude at Club Cod. He somehow manages to avoid getting addicted to the opioids that all the child prostitutes were fed to keep them tame, and when Ash escapes, it is only because he is instead personally taken under Papa Dino’s wing, who specifically sexually abuses him while simultaneously not knowing or caring that Marvin continues to rape Ash, among presumably a handful of other people. Blanca is a small, bright focal point for Ash at age 13 when Ash lets himself briefly believe he has autonomy, and he is released to start his own gang. Ash’s fundamental humanity and inherent leadership magnetically draw people to him, and for the first time in his life, Ash briefly entertains the idea of having a private romantic relationship of his own. He is attracted to a girl he likes very much, but she is murdered almost immediately due to her association with him. He afterward throws himself into the business of his gang without ever fully extracting himself from Papa Dino’s hold. It is only with the discovery of the capsule containing Banana Fish that Ash for the first time in his short life discovers a bit of real leverage he can actually use against Dino. The subsequent drug war sees him beaten, sent to jail, raped many more times, and sent on a cross-country mission on the lam from the law, as well as from Dino’s goons, both Corsican and Chinese. Yut-Lung proves to be a worthy adversary in LA, and his teaming up with Arthur sees Ash murdering his best friend Shorter in cold blood who is forcibly high on banana fish in order to save Eiji from an especially savage disembowelment. Ash is later declared legally dead, sent to a private insane asylum to be experimented on, tortured with the mangled bits of Shorter’s brain, and then after escaping yet again, still forced into a corner when Dino tricks and threatens him into becoming officially adopted, once more in order to prevent Eiji’s death. Ash is drugged, literally blinded, beaten, and emotionally and physically torn down. He nearly dies from intentionally wasting away, and is hospitalized. When he eventually once again manages to escape, it is only to regroup long enough to prepare to engage with his men in actual guerrilla warfare. The mercenary Foxx kills nearly all of Ash’s remaining gang, and once AGAIN, Ash is raped. Ash is ultimately deprived of his revenge when he then has to witness Papa Dino’s death by the hand of someone other than himself. These are the major plot points, and don’t even touch on the myriad of lesser cruelties Ash has dealt with over the course of his short life, of which there are many, many more. (See: The death of most of his friends, that fucklord Arthur, everything about Cape Cod, the pain of using his sexual wiles as a weapon, the pain of knowing if he opens up to others that the lives of his friends will be in danger, the pain of being unable to give his loved ones proper burials, his one hundred issues with classism, his complete inability to trust others with important tasks, the list goes on.)

Around volume 10, I started, in a serious way, feeling like Ash deserved death. Not in the way that a dog is put out of it’s misery when it is sick, but more in the way that when the path is this hard, the reward at the end should be equivalent to the struggle. Being a CSA survivor all on its own demands a certain level of understanding, especially when approaching volatile, sensitive subjects like suicide. The act of taking one’s own life is so deeply personal and hotly debated that there is no true narrative argument legitimate enough to address it’s purpose. All of it is too subjective. However, in the case of Ash Lynx as the thematic hero, the case stands that he never, except for perhaps the small corridor between the ages of 0-7, lived a life anywhere remotely near average, so his many brushes with near-suicide are chillingly understandable. At one point, when forced to either shoot himself in the head or watch Eiji die, Ash even goes so far as to grab the gun and immediately try to blow his brains out. When the gun is proven empty, instead of breathing a secret sigh of relief, Ash only demands that Yut Lung give him a bullet.

Though this emphasizes Ash’s near fanatical devotion to protecting Eiji, whose innocence he both disdains and canonizes, it also represents his constant readiness to die. This flirtation with the reaper is emphasized over and over in the official art, where a sexual element is often present in his interactions with death. Ash wishes for death to embrace him, he literally desires it. This is mostly on a subtextual level, but other times his desire is stiflingly surface-level.

The extent of Ash’s damage is so severe and was inflicted on him so early that his ability to live a normal life was only ever subject to his situation. An argument can be made that his unusually high IQ kept him from the brink of emotional destruction for the majority of his life, but in spite of his incredible virility and strength of character, Ash’s prospects as he aged were always bleak at best. Ash the adult is almost unfathomable. He was literally never allowed to be a child during a key developmental period, and even the manga infers that Eiji’s presence as a romantic element is strongly tied to Ash’s desire to return to a time of innocence. Ash is permanently trapped in a never-neverland of sorts, sexually defiled to the point where his own sexual awakening has been completely obscured beyond his own recognition. His relationship with Eiji is painfully asexual, one, because literally everything about Banana Fish is painful, but also because it is unclear if Ash may have been naturally asexual in the first place or if he was made into an asexual as the result of his childhood trauma. Either way, he certainly doesn’t have a lot of choice about the way that he is, and that way is, fundamentally, morally, and spiritually exhausted. It is only his tenacious spark, his survivors grip to life, and his affection for others in his life whom he loves that are weaker than him, that keeps him stubbornly clung to his own mortal vessel until the very end.

Eiji’s presence as a guiding light is, in THE definitively heartbreaking turn, the permission Ash needs to allow himself to finally die. He has always known that he would die, probably even thought that he should have already died, many, many times over. He is permanently and irreversibly damaged by the course of his life, and though we scream and cry and pray in the hope that Ash can make it, that he can still pull through and come out on the other side living and thriving in love, he was ultimately just never meant to make it that far. Even when Eiji tries to convince Ash that he is not the leopard, that he can come back down from the mountain, we are distantly still aware that this is not true, despite how difficult it is to accept. This difference of character is most clearly seen in Ash’s foil with Yut-Lung; both boys are the savant products of rape-and-murder-riddled childhoods. However, where Yut-Lung lacked anyone to give him acceptance and affection as he grew, Ash ended his time knowing love. Where Yut-Lung survives to the end and goes on to an even higher position of strength, he still has an emotional arc to complete. Yut Lung must discover for himself the value of human life. Ash already knew this value from the beginning, because his moral compass, which sometimes admittedly became scrambled, more or less always pointed true by the end of things.

The argument can be made that as the embodiment of the concept of Salinger’s short story, Ash is fated to die. Eiji, who in many ways is the window through which we experience this world, refuses to bend to fate. He insists in innocence again and again that Ash can change his fate, and for a moment, when Ash finds the plane ticket to Japan in Eiji’s letter, we really, really want to believe him. So, of course, because this manga is singularly cruel, it is here that Ash is stabbed. Of ffffucking course, after everything, death comes for Ash in a fashion which is completely mundane against the grandiose, bombastic scale of the story. An old grudge settled by someone Ash didn’t even have the time to hate in the first place. Ash let himself believe in a real life with Eiji for a single moment, and that proved to be his downfall. When he let his guard down, he let death in. He realizes his destiny immediately, because he is not stupid. His death is not a suicide, it is an understanding.

According to Akimi Yoshida, fate always wins out, but what the manga adds to this sad experience is this; despite everything, unlike Salinger’s broken Seymour, Ash’s heart in the end is full of love. His perfect day to die is the day he reads Eiji’s letter, the letter that declares them permanently bonded. Falling in love allows Ash to let go of himself gently, instead of the infinitely more brutal end he would have met at a villain’s hand otherwise, if he hadn’t fought tooth and nail for his very last scrap of autonomy up until that moment. Eiji’s love as an act of compassion is most perfectly realized; because Ash’s Perfect Day is one of is own making. All the circumstances together form a perfect conclusion. He didn’t see the knife coming, and he didn’t need to. After Papa Dino’s death, after Eiji is gone, Ash can finally stop. He can accept that his trauma is greater than even him. In a life spent being forced back and forth according to the violent winds of his circumstance, he chooses to, (and that’s important, he chooses to,) retreat like a cat to a quiet place of safety to live out his last moments. In this way, Ash’s death is merely a setting down of something unbearably heavy. Because he is loved, because Eiji is safe and far away, Ash is at last released from the prison of his life.

Other Banana Fish Meta: CAPE COD AS PURGATORY AND ASH’S BREAK FROM INNOCENCE

#banana fish #meta #death as a reward #ash lynx #eiji okumura #spoilers #oof #OOF I SAID

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hopeishappinessff · 6 years

Text

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 40

Chris

I walked the perimeter of the yard today, rather than sitting up under the tree like I’d been doing since they released me to the outdoors during recreation. The need to make my life as normal as possible these days was greater than ever and in order to maintain the newfound normalcy, I decided it would be best to rotate my daily activities so I didn’t become complacent like majority of the crazies in this place. Every day on my way outside for recreation was like déjà vu… they all sat in the same places, in that same room, doing the same shit. Sitting on the old tarnished couch in front of the dated television screen nibbling on strands of hair, bundled in the middle of the floor Indian style rocking back and forth while humming quietly, or sitting off in the corner having a full blown conversation with nothing but a blank wall as if it were a group of people… that’s all they ever did and it’s what I refused to do. It was bad enough that I was in here, but I refused to be mixed into the stereotype of an insane person, so I made sure to change up my habits to keep myself going… and sane.

I hadn’t seen Dominica since the day I almost blacked out on her under the tree and truth be told… that was one huge reason I’d been recently steering clear of that very spot. I felt the strongest pang of guilt every time I laid eyes on it so I made it a point to stay as far away from it as I could. With my hands wedged down into the pockets of my sweats, I kept my gaze to the lush green grass beneath my slides and nibbled relentlessly into the corner of my bottom lip. Somehow I managed to allow myself to get lost in the thought of what life would be like when I left this place… if I left this place. One thing I would not allow myself to do was dwell on the thought of getting released early. After the horrific turn of events at the preliminary meeting Dr. Stevenson had set up with the committee, I was one hundred percent positive those people would not okay me to leave and I wouldn’t dare let myself cling to even the slightest possibility because I knew all I’d do was get my hopes up only for that ruthlessly evil bitch and her posse to crush the shit out of them. The thought alone was just a black out waiting to happen, so I lightly shook my head as if it would force the thought away and continued my leisurely stroll.

“You’ve been avoiding me haven’t you big bird?” Quickly lifting my head and turning to the left, I spotted a familiar short statured girl ambling my way with her hands behind her back and her head tilted slightly as she peered up at me. She wore a mischievous smirk that was contagious enough to have me smiling back and slowing in my tracks to give her time to catch up.

“Hi Dom… how are you?”

“Don’t ignore my question monsieur, where have you been?” She probed as she quickly fell into stride beside me and playfully bumped her right shoulder into my arm.

With a soft chuckle I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders “I’ve been here.”

She glanced up at me as I pointed at my head and lifted a brow questioningly “You’ve been in your head?”

“Yeah… trying to get my mind together.”

“What’s wrong with your mind that’s got you feeling like you need to get it together?” She asked curiously.

“Dominica,” Without thinking I slowed down in my wide strides and eventually stopped altogether and looked over at her, “The last time we were together, out here at the tree…”

“You almost had a black out…” Her ability to complete that sentence caught me completely off guard and I frowned at her while she simply stood there smirking back at me.

“You’re a lot like my dad you know, you’re just a bit more handsome… and a lot nicer.”

My brows naturally twisted with confusion and after standing there smirking up at me for a bit longer, she eventually shook her head and sighed “I know that you’re bipolar… amongst other things. I kinda assumed it when I first met you, but that day out here at the tree confirmed it. The characteristics are much too similar to ignore.”

“You think I’m crazy now, don’t you?” I mumbled with my head hung shamefully low.

Taking one step closer to me, she latched a tiny hand onto my left shoulder and smiled “Did you not hear the part about you being a lot like my dad, only a lot nicer? You’re like a breath of fresh air compared to that man.”

Lifting my brows with surprise and raising my gaze to meet hers, I cracked a sheepish grin and blew out a light gust of relief “Thanks Dom.”

Like the bold little character that she was, Dominica hooked an arm around mine and tugged me forward to continue our walk around the perimeter “You do know that you’re still in a mental institute, right? It may be pretty invalid and pointless to ask anyone in this place if they think you’re crazy.”

“Hey man, I’ve barely comes to terms with my conditions. I kinda think I’m crazy, so I figured anyone who knew all that I got going on would think the same.”

“You’re such a hoot.” She giggled.

“But I recently found out some interesting news though.”

“Interesting like good… or bad?” She quizzed. In all honesty, her question was one I’d been asking myself lately… was the news of Dr. Yates wanting to have me released early good or bad? Was the thought of going back into reality to face the life that’d landed me right where I stood today… good or bad?

With a sigh, I shrugged lightly and stared straight ahead through squinted eyes “I’m not sure, honestly. My therapist has started the process of an early release. She wants me to go home to my mom to finish out the remainder of my eight-month program.”

I stopped walking abruptly then, because Dom was no longer moving beside me yet her arm was still linked to mine “You can’t decipher whether or not that’s a good or bad thing?”

“Dom…” I sighed.

“Your therapist is trying to grant you an early release from this hell hole… and you somehow can’t figure out if that’s good or not? Hmph, maybe you are crazy man!” She huffed unbelievably. For all of two seconds I frowned at her outburst, but when I caught her smirking up at me as she shook her head, I couldn’t contain my sudden urge to return the friendly gesture.

“I don’t know… I just… I feel like a menace out there in the real world and I’m sort of afraid to be unleashed.” I snorted with a sense of humor, but… I knew that humor never quite reached my eyes. I could tell that just by the way she continued to stare up at me, her playful smirk slowly drifting into an expression masked in sorrow.

“You’re not an animal Chris… no one is unleashing you. If this is something that your therapist has recommended for you, because she has all the confidence in the world that you’ll be just fine out there… you’re not being unleashed. You’re earning your right to walk out of here as a free man because you deserve it.” There was the most genuine glint in her eyes that made me think for just a moment, that maybe… me leaving this institute wouldn’t be so bad. And maybe, just maybe… it would actually be exactly what I needed.

I wore a suit today, only because my mom made me. I didn’t really care much for Dr. Stevenson’s opinion and I especially didn’t care for her unnecessary persistence in the topic of my wardrobe on this particular day. For completely technical purposes, I could have shown up naked as the day I was born just to piss her off because I hated the thought of her telling me what to do… even if it was just a suggestion.

But, I wore a suit today… because today was judgement day. Today was the day that I would sit in front of that panel of committee members and quietly learn of my fate. And today was the day that evil bitch Clara would make it her life goal to fuck it all up for me and make it a point to lock me away for years, if she could. I don’t know that I’d ever been so nervous in my life. My body naturally woke me up at about four a.m., as if I’d managed to get much sleep to begin with, and when breakfast rolled around the nurses had to force me to down at least a piece of toast so that I could take my morning pill without throwing up. I think I may have even successfully managed to give myself arthritis because I cracked my knuckles literally every few seconds… I was that nervous.

The thing was, I didn’t want to be in this institute any longer. I had already made a deal with myself that if they didn’t allow me to go home now, I would simply become a total mute and never leave the confines of my room again. I tried to tell myself not to get my hopes up about an early release and to actually just forget about the hearing altogether, but the closer the day got the more I actually ended up obsessing over the entire situation. I wanted to go home, no… I needed to go home. I could not handle another day in this crazy people prison and the moment I woke up this morning, I prayed like I’d never prayed before. I mean I literally rolled out of bed and landed on my knees then remained in that position until the morning nurse came around to gather me for breakfast. And even as I strolled quietly alongside her, my prayer never stopped.

With a nervous stare that darted all around the cold and unforgiving room, I sat slouched in my seat and mentally battled those internal butterflies that fluttered so wildly in my gut I was almost positive I would throw up at any given time. In the same order as before, my mom sat to my left and Dr. Stevenson sat stiffly to my right. Eze was somewhere on the premises, but as politely as I could I requested to my mother to keep him the fuck away from me. After their little revelation about him funding this entire thing for me, I was actually fully prepared to write them both off but somehow I managed to set that petty thought aside because even his bitch ass couldn’t cause me to be upset on this day.

So there we all sat, waiting for the committee members to take their place at the long table across from us. They filed in slowly and chatted amongst themselves on their way to their seats as if it was just a completely normal occurrence to sit down for a few seconds to determine the fate of someone’s life then go on about their business. I mean, I’m sure it was totally normal for them to do just that… I was sure they probably ruined lives on a daily basis, but I was not prepared for them to sit down and ruin mine.

Dr. Stevenson may or may not have been as nervous as I was… I honestly couldn’t tell from the stiff way that she sat in her chair beside me, because she seemed to be uptight and stiff like that all the time. She kept her stare trained straight ahead and if I wasn’t mistaken, I could even feel her tense up for a split second. Glancing briefly in the direction her eyes were, I quickly refrained from frowning at the exact thing that had her tensing… my favorite committee member of them all had just taken her seat. Unlike the preliminary hearing, today she actually smiled and… was she even laughing? She was… she was laughing at something that the man by the name of Roger had just mumbled quietly amongst them. In a way, seeing a smile on her evil face sort of creeped me out… but I wouldn’t lie and say it didn’t give me just a flicker of hope for the outcome of this day.

“Good Morning everyone.” Lizette, the Hispanic lady who had taken her place to Clara’s right, stood and gave a polite greeting, “Today we are gathered to offer a final verdict in the case of Mr. Christopher Brown. Today, Mr. Brown, will determine whether your time here at the Institute is complete.”

First, I was surprised that she stood up to give the opening remarks and second… I was more thankful than ever that she did. I was actually even hoping that this somehow meant that Clara wouldn’t be speaking at all today and that thought alone gave me just a sprinkle of hope that maybe, just maybe, there was a light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

“We will not make this some unnecessarily long drawn out process. We have done quite a bit of deliberating since the preliminary hearing in order to come to a united decision. I’d like to begin by briefly discussing my opinion regarding this case,” Pausing for a moment, Lizette inhaled a small deep breath then smiled warmly at me and my mom, “Joyce, as I mentioned previously, I am a mother and a grandmother. My children and grandbabies mean the absolute world to me and without them I truly believe that I serve no purpose in this life. My children… I am absolutely confident that I raised them to the best of my abilities. I believe that I did everything in my power to ensure the best possible future for all three of them and though there have been several bumps in the road along the way, there is not a single soul on this planet who could tell me that I am not the best mother to them. I, like you, am a single mother… and I have been since the day my last child was born. See, you and I Joyce… we are heroines. We are the true testament that women are a rare breed and some of the strongest and wisest creatures on earth.”

“You are a wonderful mother Ms. Joyce Hawkins and you have raised a wonderful son. The young man that I see sitting beside you here today is a product of you, which makes him one of your greatest creations. You carried him for nine months, you bore him, you raised him and your daughter single-handedly and you did a magnificent job. You have every right to be proud of him. Not all of the decisions that he will make in this life will be the best. He will hiccup constantly along the way, but by human nature he will learn from his mistakes and he will pick himself up and continue on. He may not be perfect to every single person that he crosses paths with in his life and he may not be perfect to each of us committee members standing before you today, but if your boy is perfect to you… then who am I to stand here and tell you otherwise?”

With one last warm smile that swept once again from me to my mom, Lizette stepped back and took her seat. Almost halfway into her speech I could hear sniffling at my side, but in order for me to remain sane throughout the duration of this hearing there was no way I could turn to my mother and watch her cry. I did, however, reach over and pluck her right hand from her lap and grip onto it, which unmistakably left her whimpering softly.

Focusing my attention back on the panel straight ahead, I watched as Roger stood from his seat and cleared his throat “Dr. Stevenson, when you initially requested the early release of Mr. Brown and we began the process of analyzing his file and studying him as a whole here in the Institute, I truthfully didn’t have much confidence in your decision. In the initial stages, I was completely baffled as to why you so confidently believed that this young man would be suitable to be released back into society. He seemed destructive, he seemed angry, he seemed completely detached from the world and everyone in it.”

I turned my head as this man spoke, because there was no way I could have been prepared for him to stand there and talk about how stupid he thought Dr. Stevenson was for suggesting that little ole crazy me be released early. But, was he right though? Yes… I believe he was. I was crazy… I am crazy, and I couldn’t possibly deserve to leave this joint early let alone at all…

“But, the more we studied his case file… the more we studied him, the more I began to understand that… this may not necessarily be a place for him. I’ll be frank here, Chris is a great kid and he has a big bright future ahead of himself. From graduating high school with full scholarship opportunities from Universities across the country, to beginning a successful life at the University of Georgia and focusing pretty fruitfully on his studies and his career as a basketball player… there’s nothing bad about that, is there? As Lizette said, he may not be perfect to me or anyone in this room, but he was just perfect enough to someone out there who believed in him enough to give him a chance to make something of himself… and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You’ve obviously battled your illnesses for a major portion of your life young man, but I commend you for not allowing them to stop you from stepping out into this rather grim world to become someone. And I wish you well on all of your future endeavors… I’m a huge fan of UGA and I can’t wait to see you back on that court next season son.”

After his speech took a surprising turn for the better, I looked back up at Roger just as he went to take his seat and I didn’t miss the quick wink and smirk he sent my way. I wasn’t sure what was happening in this room today, but whatever it was it left my heart fluttering and my hands sweating with anxiety. However that didn’t stop my mom from holding onto my hand and actually squeezing the life out of it, because clearly her nerves were just as frazzled as mine.

Next, the older white lady stood with her hands crossed regally in front of her and a tight-lipped smile “Well, it seems as though my fellow committee members here have already discussed a good amount of what I had in mind to point out today, which isn’t a bad thing at all. If you haven’t figured it out by now Christopher, we see your potential. You are not a menace to society and we recognize that whole heartedly. If you were a menace, believe me there is a place out there for you… and that’s prison. During your time here at the Institute, we’ve monitored you as we do every single patient and if we haven’t concluded anything else... it’s that you are indeed a very intelligent and kind young man. You just happen to possess an entity that is out of your control and that is in no way your fault. With continued support from your therapist Dr. Debra Yates, I am one hundred percent confident that you will do just fine out there. And more than anything I am confident, as your mother expressed in our last hearing, that you will be a wonderful father to your children. As a matter of fact, I am certain that if nothing else those babies will give you something to press on for. The way I see it, they need you just as much as you need them.”

Smiling a bit brighter after delivering her speech, she sat down and it seemed the moment that she did, a layer of tension washed over the entire span of the room within an instant. I was almost certain that everyone in the room had to be thinking the same exact thing… it was now evil bitch Clara’s turn to speak. Though I was thrilled and utterly surprised to hear what they all had to say, I had to admit that I was more concerned by what this woman had to say… because I’m sure she was fully prepared to stand up and deliver the most negative speech she could.

“Christopher… Ms. Joyce… before I stand up here and deliver any sort of speech, I must first apologize for my conduct in the preliminary hearing…”

Those words, everything she’d just said, stunned me. I’m sure the shock was written all over my face as she smirked down at me and glanced over at my mom.

“The other members here, they often suggest that I consider a different and perhaps less invasive and aggressive method, but… I believe whole heartedly that it wouldn’t be as effective any other way. I think that I can honestly speak for everyone when I say, Christopher… you do not belong here in this facility. You are not an active murderer, you’re not a cold and heartless serial killer, you’re not some unstable terrorist who desires nothing more than to kill for sport. You are simply a young man with an optimistic future.”

“What happened in this very room before, truthfully was merely a test. You have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dissociative personality disorder, which if simultaneously triggered just the right way can be quite deadly. The idea was to spark anger and rage within you that day and it was very critical for you to react exactly the way that you did. I know that it was difficult for you… the goal was to make it as volatile as possible in order to push you to your absolute limit. Through the entire charade I paid very close attention to the way in which you closed yourself off from the situation and maintained your focus through it all. I applaud you for that Christopher and you must know that from here on out, it is imperative that if ever you find yourself in any type of overheated situation, any type at all… you always maintain your focus to the best of your abilities to avoid losing yourself. I trust that you will be able to do just that out there on your own… I trust that you have learned the proper methods to calm yourself when the time calls… and I trust that you will be an incredible father to your two little ones. As you heard here before, you are not to blame for the cards that life has dealt you. You should not be punished and feel banished from the real world because this is a part of who you are.

With shock worn boldly on my face, my eyes trained and unblinking on this woman who must have been bipolar herself, I squeezed my mother’s hand perhaps harder than she’d been squeezing mine throughout the duration of this life changing speech… and held my breath “And with that being said, Mr. Brown… on behalf of my fellow board members and the Northern Virginia Mental Health Institute, I wish you well in your future endeavors and I hope to never see you again. Your contracted program here at the institute has hereby been terminated. Good luck to you and your family… and Godspeed.”

#chrisbrown #chrisbrownff #chrisbrownfanfic #jasminesanders #chrisbrownfanfiction #jasminesandersff #teambreezy #teambreezyff #fanfiction #fanfic

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bryonysimcox · 4 years

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A Glimmer of Freedom: Week 16 & 17, Spain

Tiny glimpses of normal life have emerged here in Spain. George’s 30th Birthday, my first swim in the ocean since lockdown and a new video release have brought some variety to the last fortnight.

I slipped up. When our sixteenth week on the road came and went, the pressure to write this weekly post was building up, and I was increasingly frustrated that I couldn’t find the time (or the energy!) to write it. It got to a point that it made more sense to wait another week and present you with a fortnight’s worth of updates instead!

It does feel like a failure when you break a habit though. Sure, not many people read this blog and no one is shouting at me if I don’t produce a new post on the mark every week. But I still feel accountable both to others and myself to keep this journal as an ongoing reflection of our travels. Since the Covid-19 pandemic gripped the world and turned it upside down, in some ways this journal has even more meaning as a documentation of a life lived under incredibly unusual circumstances.

Alas, I’m here now, on a sunny Thursday in the early afternoon, trying to recall everything that’s happened in the last two weeks and also trying not to beat myself up about breaking my usual writing pattern.

On the 8th May, it was George’s 30th Birthday.

George has never been big on birthdays. For him, they’re just another day, but just one on which your age happens to tick over another year. For me, as an extrovert who loves an excuse to eat cake for breakfast or to throw a party, this mindset seems bonkers! Over the years that we’ve been together though, I realise George just really values the company of others and having a nice, low-key day.

So even though I was downright gutted that we were celebrating his big milestone in lockdown, with just one another’s company in the Spanish countryside, he wasn’t fussed and it turned out to be a really, really nice day.

(images) George’s birthday

I’d pulled together a video from friends and family singing “Happy Birthday”, and this motley crew of singers was such a lovely thing to watch, along to a breakfast of avocado on toast. After a lazy morning and even a bit of editing (yep, George happily worked on his birthday!) we decided to head out for a walk.

De-escalation measures are slowly underway in Spain and by George’s birthday we were finally allowed out for daily exercise or a walk with family members. Taking advantage of this (but sneakily breaking the allocated time windows for the exercise), we took our first walk to somewhere other than the supermarket in almost two months. And boy, was it worth it!

Empty streets, uncomfortable face masks and police tape cordoning off playgrounds don’t necessarily contribute to a pleasant walk, but it was the first taste of freedom we’d had in so long. We enjoyed seeing houses and areas we hadn’t passed by in a while, noticing changes that have taken place fuelled by a new demand for hygiene or physical distancing. And finally, we made it to the ocean: a sight for sore eyes.

Just getting to the ocean on George’s birthday and dipping my toes in the water was such a special moment, and a reminder of how much I value the sea, especially after having been deprived of this natural element for so long.

(images, left to right) Empty streets which still feel bizarre, getting ready for a paddle on George’s birthday, and a birthday walk (complete with face mask).

I’ve said it before on this blog and I’ll say it again: I’m constantly reminded of how ‘good’ we’ve got it. We’ve been treated with kindness and generosity, are able to exchange skills and resources with people, find work, upload videos, have access to the internet and get food in the shops. But all that said, I almost wept when I dipped my toes in the salty water after so long. I believe everyone has a human right to access nature.

Perhaps because George has now entered his thirties, or more likely because lockdown is triggering self-reflection among many of us, George and I have spent a fair few long evenings discussing life and what it means to be human. I’m not professing to have made any ground-breaking discoveries, but have noticed both how therapeutic and how liberating it has been to get a little more philosophical. It’s helped me to focus on life as it is now, and get less hung up about the future. People have asked us about our ongoing plans with the van and I feel more comfortable now telling them I just don’t know when and where we’ll get ‘back on track’. Whilst staying in Spain for an extended period of time wasn’t ever the plan, I still know that good things can come from it if I embrace the unknown and enjoy living here a little longer.

How many moments do we lose out on cause we’re fretting that they’re not what we planned for our lives?

One thing which I certainly didn’t plan for but have been pleasantly surprised by is getting a chance to learn a little more about agriculture. We spent time in the garden in Catalonia preparing for and planting vegetables, an activity that most folk in the Spanish countryside seem to be doing, in anticipation for summer as it comes around the corner. We were working with Pepe, who grows vegetables here as a hobby, and who has had the generosity to show us his approach and let us learn by getting our hands dirty. He is a kind and patient man.

(image) Building cane structures for tomatoes and planting peppers, cucumbers and courgettes.

Talking with Pepe has been great practice for my Spanish too, as I’m forced to use it in the moment. Reading in a foreign language has always been much easier than listening or speaking for me, because I don’t have the time pressure to respond and I can process the information visually. But everyday life relies on speaking and listening, and being in Spain has exposed me to more of that, which is ultimately a good thing. I do also try to read the Spanish news, not only to practice my Spanish but to keep an eye on the political situation here and how the Covid-19 crisis is being dealt with.

The Spanish government is rolling out a phased, place-based de-escalation plan which closely monitors Covid-19 cases.

My perception is that the government here has handled the crisis quite ‘well’ (though there are so many factors I perhaps can’t see) and has put the health of its people first and foremost before the economy. Plenty of things are starting to reappear, but with the overarching sense that there is a sensible, humanist power overseeing it all. Slowly but surely, children play in the streets again, people drink their coffees and chat a metre or two apart, and we learn to smile extra hard so that our eyes share the emotion that our mouth, now-concealed by a mask, can’t.

The next time we made use of our daily exercise allowance, I took the plunge - literally. We headed to the coast and we’d hardly got to the sand before I was in the water. Words escape me when I think of that feeling - of swimming in the sea and feeling completely unburdened by anything. It’s undeniably therapeutic.

Once de-escalation permitted a little more movement, George and I also decided it was time to film Suzi the van. Back when we were in Bordeaux (which believe it or not was our second week on the road!) we filmed a tour of the van with the plan of making a video all about our van build process and the finished result. But more recently when we came to edit all the footage together, we just hadn’t captured enough footage of the van, and especially little details of all the elements like the tyres, engine, furniture and solar panels.

So with camera in hand, we took Suzi out for a spin. It was nice to be filming again, even if it was just to get details of our dusty HiAce along quiet Spanish backroads. Each and every time we film is a chance for me to get more confident behind the camera too, balancing the composition, lighting and focus, and with the added complication that it’s not just a static image I’m working with.

(images) Filming Suzi the HiAce for our van tour video.

As we carry on filming and developing creative content through Broaden, it is a joy to see other folk making and creating too.

The internet continues to be a hotbet for this creativity. Back in Week 9 I wrote about my brother’s VJ live streaming and daily guided meditations from Gaba podcast, and these last few weeks I’ve continued to turn to the internet for inspiration and entertainment.

Just one example of the art we’ve enjoyed online this fortnight was when my dear friend Rosie Tee shared a line-up with the likes of Jamie Cullum and the Electric Lady Big Band as Cheltenham Jazz Festival took place virtually. More than 600 people tuned in for Rosie’s set online (which can be viewed again here), which is a testament to the potential audience hungry for creative expression. More recently, my brother did another VJ set for the arts and entertainment community ‘Is Dead’, with a live stream that took place in a virtual warehouse! It was pretty mind-boggling to be in this virtual events space with other people from across the world, listening to DJs and watching Dominic’s visuals projected on a virtual screen within this virtual space.

(image) Rosie Tee plays ‘Wax & Wane’ for Cheltenham Jazz Festival and Dominic (VJ XYZ)’s live set in a virtual warehouse.

The internet is an incomparable resource when we leverage it as a platform for sharing and distributing art, and especially when we focus on its ability to be decentralised and accessible.

As people slowly enjoy increasing liberties again, I anticipate the internet will have a newfound role to play. Whilst I’ve now experienced some freedoms to move around and do things which I couldn’t over the last two months, there is no sign of a ‘miracle-cure’ or rapid recovery from this pandemic. Many daily interactions which once seemed normal will long be impeded and the potential effects on our mental health and sense of connection could be profound. This is where the digital world will likely mesh with the physical, providing ways to talk and debate, disseminate news and new ideas, and share acts of creative expression which enrich our lived experiences in the tangible spaces we inhabit.

Last week I went to an online workshop which perfectly exemplified the value of the internet in this way. As part of a series called ‘Building Our Power’, the ‘Economics for Beginners’ workshop I attended via Zoom brought together around 100 participants to hear Sarah Arnold, an analyst from the New Economics Foundation. Sarah presented ideas about the role of the economy, policy tools, and ways in which the government could respond to Covid-19 in a way which would promote a more equitable and healthy society (rather than resort to austerity, which is not good economic policy).

The session was much more than just a presentation though, as the online platform and skilled facilitators allowed for a rich and varied discussion, with questions from the participants for Sarah and opportunities to discuss the topic in detail in future groups. It struck me that in this instance, this digital format was probably even more effective than a real-life scenario would be at disseminating technical information and developing ideas in an engaging and inclusive way.

With our new footage of the van and the on-tap resource of the internet, we also released the van tour video this week.

It was a great feeling to finally bring together footage from as far back as May 2019 right through to the clips we’d shot in Catalonia this fortnight into a complete video. George did a cracking job with the edit, and I helped out making graphics like the intro scene. When it was finally done and dusted, watching it back felt like the end of our van-building chapter and in some ways the start of our adventure (even though we’ve already been ‘on the road’ for more than three months). To finally share it online has been a pleasure.

youtube

The comments that we’ve had back about this video have been positive and constructive. Along with the interest we get about The Hundred Miler, the feedback loop of making and creating leaves me determined not to lose faith in the power of creativity and the power of people. Sure, lockdown continues to be confusing and exhausting, but if we can use the internet and acts of mutual aid to compliment the glimmer of freedom we’re starting to experience in the physical world, we can stay connected.

And that connection - to each other, to our thoughts, and to nature is what gives me meaning more than any grand travels or planned-out futures.

#estadodealarma #vanlife #SuziTheVan #BryonyandGeorge #digitalnomads #broaden #traveldiaries #lifeinlockdown #COVID-19 #coronavirus

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canaryatlaw · 7 years

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Today was.....kind of odd. I felt exhausted and like I was running crazy all day, but I actually wasn't? Idk. I remembered today that my psychiatrist wanted me to call him after I'd been on the Xanax for like a week to see if I'd noticed a difference, as I should have, and as I remembered I was supposed to do this I realized I don't think I've actually seen much of a difference. I still feel anxious pretty much all the time and can't stop my mind from racing even when I'm trying to relax, there's always something I need to get done. I'm doing 2 mg of Xanax a day right now (1 at morning and 1 at night) and he wrote me the prescription to use as needed so I can increase it if needed. If I'm remembering correctly, at the time I accidentally went off it I was taking 3 mg a day, I guess I was just hoping I would be doing better by now and wouldn't need that much. Idk, it's weird to be experiencing symptoms of mental illness like anxiety and feeling exhausted and like something in my mind just isn't right without them being accompanied by the overwhelming and soul-sucking dread of suicidal ideation constantly occupying your mind. Because I pretty much consider myself "recovered" at this point. Like I'm SO much better than I was 4 years ago. But I'm still having symptoms that just don't feel like they have a causal connection to my life, because there's nothing that would be causing that in my life- I mean at least as far as the depression, there's obviously plenty to cause anxiety. But I don't really feel depressed at all so I don't really know if that's what this is??? Like my brain felt weird when I was without my meds for a few days but for the most part it's been fine with happiness, just tending to get overwhelmingly exhausted, but with me that could have a lot of causes (see: my abysmal high school attendance record). Sigh. I didn't mean to get into all of this right now, it just kind of came out. I think that's most of what I have to say, though. So, today. Alarm went off at 9:45, and the first thing I notice is its gross and rainy and hell no am I gonna walk 20 minutes to the train in the freezing rain cuz I fucking hate rain, so I consult google maps to see which of the alternate routes I know of would be quickest, and decide on the one that takes my normal bus route to a close by train station of another line that I can then take to the loop. So that worked out fine and I got to school in plenty of time to prep for the panel. Oh, I left out that I woke up to a text from my across the hall at work friend saying she was like ridiculously sick and couldn't come, so that sucked but oh well. After not too long DCFS guy comes over with the PD we were able to get from delinquency, so we hang out and talk for a while as things get set up more and we get food before the panel. So, we ended up having 4 panelists, which worked well because we initially felt overbooked at 6, but 2 had to cancel haha so that ended up being good. We had the PD, DCFS guy, an adoption attorney, and a child rep that does work in domestic relations (divorce/custody court). And of course I was the moderator, so I got ask my questions and they went really well! Everyone had good and varying answers, and even gave some well-reasoned answers to my thrown in at the last minute question about if they could change one thing about the system they work in what would it be, because of course I am so very reform minded, lol. We got to open the floor up a little at the end, and the panelists talked about the last question for like 10 minutes and I was like watching the clock knowing the 1L's all had to get back to class at 1 so as soon as they finished I was like OKAY whoever needs to leave go and we can chat with the panelists if you want to stay, lol. So that felt good overall. I stayed and talked to DCFS guy about some random stuff since he had some time before going back to work since this was an official work sanctioned event for him, lol. So that was cool. When he headed out I switched over to the PAD office for a bit and did something on my computer for a little, I don't even remember what, before going to meet my LARC prof for our individual conference. It wasn't all that helpful because it tended to be just more generalized feedback, and like I know what I'm doing its just a matter of doing it in the form they want. But I got my argument section back and graded so between that and my graded trial brief I should have some good basis to go off when I finish off the appellate brief this weekend hopefully. That's the idea, anyway. After that I went back to school and was gonna go to the PAD office but instead found my spring break friend, summer job friend, and the girl who's gonna be the president of the child and family law group with me next semester chilling in one of the rooms, so I hung out with them and actually got around to reading most of the cases for crim pro tonight. It was nice, even if I still felt exhausted at the end of the day. And I ended up ordering Chinese food because I felt like it before class lol and they had these mango and shrimp egg rolls that are possibly the craziest and most amazing things I've ever tasted. Crim pro was fine, just went over the few cases, and I interjected two short comments on different aspects of police behavior and their consequences (one of which was in result of a wrongful conviction that was affirmed by the fucking Supreme Court before later getting DNA exonerated that besides this man spending so much of his life in prison, there was a fucking child rapist freely roaming the streets). She then told us about how she's gonna like speed through the rest of the cases at the next two classes, and then let us go at 6:45....? Idk, I feel like she wasn't prepared for them or something, although I've discovered when she recites the "facts" of the case she reads almost word for word off the quimbee briefs I've been looking at, lol. But hey, I'll take it. It was still rainy and gross so I tried the alternate route again but with slightly more anxiety this time because I don't like relying on buses at night because, basically, the suck. We end up getting off the train literally right as the bus is pulling up to the stop (like I saw the bus as soon as I got off the train and had to run down two flights of stairs to get to it) and I just made it but like the driver was being rude and I had to like, bang on the door when there were like 4 other people with me trying to get on.....like calm down lady it's not gonna kill you to wait another 2 seconds. So that kind of ticked me off but I was at least glad I caught the bus. Got home and decided to watch the episode of Blindspot that had pretty much just finished airing and OH BOY do I have feelings about this episode. I already did a massive Twitter rant about this (and I mean massive) so I'll just give you the highlights but between this plot and Chicago Justice's (both nbc shows, fyi) treatment of a foster kid earlier this week I had just about had it. The kind of plot Blindspot did tonight was awful because it adds to the idea that foster parents are bad people who are only in it for the money, and that is overwhelmingly false. Are there crappy foster parents in the system? Of course, I spent all of last semester tracking them down and getting the kids removed from their homes. But the vast, vast majority of foster parents are wonderful, loving people who are sacrificing so much for a child they may very well have to say goodbye to some day. And when we are already at such a critical shortage of foster parents, this kind of portrayal is so damaging to that image. It only serves to add more stigma to the idea of foster parents are being corrupt and "foster child" practically being synonymous with "problem child" in some peoples heads, another convention that needs to end. The whole thing just really, really got under my skin. I mean, I know better than anyone that this kind of shit (okay I mean, this was obviously an extreme example, but similar types of mistreatment I mean) does happen, but broadcasting it as one of a very few portrayals of foster parents most people are gonna see is damaging to the idea of being a foster parent and hurts the chance that they would consider being one in the future, and that's just such a major problem for me. I obviously have a lot of feelings about this, and I feel like I should find some higher up at nbc to write to about it, other than tagging the network's account in my Twitter rant. But yeah, the whole thing just really pissed me off. Other than that though, my only other comment on the episode was that I was really sad to see Nas go, even though I knew it was inevitable as soon as she got involved with Weller, because the show has made it abundantly clear that Kurt/Jane is endgame and anyone who interferes with that isn't gonna last. But I really couldn't give a crap about her and Kurt's romance or whatever, she was such a great character in so many other ways and such a fantastic leader that I'm sad to see her character leave. And I mean not all of this is coming from my adoration of Archie as an actress, but she really did a fantastic job with the character that I feel like the show will miss her a lot. Okay, so after that I actually got to watch designated survivor live, which I've only gotten to do a handful of times. And man, this episode was EXCELLENT. Like definitely one of the best episodes of television I've seen from an objective (not fandom based) viewpoint. Like just as a piece of art it was brilliantly done. Admittedly I didn't pay all that much attention to the B and C storylines of Hannah and Aaron's adventures, but they were solid in their own right. But the really just knocked it out of the park with Kirkman's A storyline, like holy shit we're seriously at the point where how can you not be rooting for this character? I loved seeing him prep for the town hall and trying to figure out what he should see and then him in that scene and just being so fucking brilliant. Everything he did in that scene was artistic perfection. I had very real tears running down my cheeks by the end of it, and I have a hard time believing anyone else could watch it and not be similarly emotionally affected (even if you don't cry). Like they used just the perfect amount of personal story worked in there without pushing one issue or over-milking a tragic storyline. Just watching him on that stage and speaking from his heart to that mother was just so incredibly beautiful and I'm sitting there thinking damn, I would give anything to have Tom Kirkman as our actual president right now, lol, I seriously think he would be doing so much better than the current joke of an administration we have. So yeah, obviously I was very impressed with the episode. Kiefer continues to be a spectacular actor, and just shines in this role because he is so very good at bringing out the intricacies of the character, his doubts and fears while still managing to remain a strong leader that the people can trust in a time of such horrific distress. But yeah, obviously very pleased there. And yeah, not long after that I started getting ready for bed and here we are, lol, although 2 hours slipped by somewhere in between (funny how that happens). Big girl job in the morning, and then I'm probably gonna find a Starbucks to chill out and work on my LARC assignment on until small group because I just don't have the physical or emotional energy to go to the kickboxing gym this week, though I have been continuing to do push ups during commercial breaks, so that's good at least lol. Okay I think I'm done here. Goodnight lovelies. Have a good sleep.

#daily journal #April 2017

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