#i went out for a fucking drs appt

[quasieli]

Can I ever catch a break? The last month has been absolute garbage and ofc just when I start to feel the slightest bit okay, I get sick! I went outside once in the past week and I masked! What the fuck!

[petitgalaxy]

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[2-wuv]

went 2 drsOh fuck fob is playing

[campirebites]

hi besties i just got back from the cardiologist and the good news is that i got answers and im not dying but the bad news is i have mitral valve prolapse and i am relieved and also still scared because it is a valve disease in my heart and it causes a bit of mitral regurgitation which is scary and i am being so brave about it

[agayconcept]

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[moonlitsnail]

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[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for giving my friend some Rules and charging him $ when he breaks them?

As usual, sounds crazy but stay with me here.

Me (40f) and J (35m) met about 2 years ago, briefly dated, and quickly figured out we were Just Friends. At the time he was looking for a new place to live, my landlord was looking to fill a vacancy in my building, now we're neighbors.

Last July I noticed he hadn't been home in a few days (his assigned parking is right next to mine). Not answering messages. Start to get worried. Search his name in the local jail, there he is. (Got pulled over for speeding and a past legal issue, that I knew about, was not resolved like he thought it was.) A clerical error had him stuck in jail for 10 days. Eventually bond gets set and I bail him out.

I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid: never loan what you can't afford to lose. The second that money left my pocket it was written off in my brain. He lost his job, he lost his vehicle. But to my complete surprise, he immediately called up an old boss and got a new job. Great! Now how to get there?

I have a M-F day job and my commute is a 3 minute walk. His new job is overnight at a C store. So it just made perfect sense for him to take my car to work. This worked great for a few months.

Then a few months ago he got a gf, it got serious real quick, she moved in with him, he changed jobs, and now the car situation is getting fucking complicated. I had no problem with him taking my car to work, he owes me money (which he has been paying) so him having a job is ideal.

But now he's using my car like it's his. I had to remind him that it's my fucking car, you're just supposed to be using it to get to work, ASK if you wanna use it for anything else. He apparently didn't get the memo cuz one day I came home early from work cuz I had a Dr appt and my car was not where it should be. Turns out he and his gf went shopping and I had to reschedule my appt. I was furious.

So I laid down some Rules: He puts gas in the car. He takes care of maintenance (oil change, car wash, wiper blades, etc.). But most importantly, if it is not going anywhere other than his or gf's job, HE HAS TO KEEP ME INFORMED. I made sure he understood that I was not keeping tabs on him, I just need to know where my car is in case, I dunno, he mysteriously disappears again.

I had already been keeping a paper record of every time he paid me some money back. So now I'm charging him $10 every time he breaks a rule. Yes, he agreed to this. I've had to do it a handful of times, and I tell him every time.

And before anyone asks: no, the gf is not a part of this problem. We get along great, we're all adults here. She knows everything you now know.

So, AITA for fining my friend when he breaks a rule?

What are these acronyms?

[tumbleweed-run]

*A break from your regularly scheduled content*

I just want to remind everyone that sometimes when you feel like you are dying YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE DYING.

I know it’s so easy to convince yourself you’re blowing it out of proportion, especially if you’ve been gaslit by the medical community at large. But there comes a time where you need to fight over it.

Exactly a year ago I woke up with a horizontal resting hr of 126. This was not abnormal for the time but as I got ready is sky rocketed to 155 and I could not bring it down.

Naturally I went to work, called my dr’s office and managed to squeeze in a sick appt at the end of the day.

He did an in office EKG because my heart was so loud he was worried. From that he tried to call an ambulance but I’m stubborn and not wealthy so i convinced him I would drive to the er.

Turns out I was actually dying.

Apparently the 40+lb sudden weightloss, my hair falling out, and my constant tachycardia weren’t just because I was fat.

I had a HGB level of 4.2 and I was in heart failure because my heart was trying to compensate for the lack of blood.

It also turns out that in March of 2021 (when I was scene in an er for a migraine) my level was around 7 but no one flagged that (aside from the computer…).

Long story short I had several tumors on/in my uterus and I was slowly bleeding to death every month.

But I knew I was sick for over a year and was constantly told I was wrong right up until I nearly died from it.

I know it’s hard but on the anniversary of my “I didn’t fucking die” day, please try and fight for your health right now if you know something’s wrong.

I won’t lie I’m now in an obscene amount of medical debt because I live in the USA but you are worth more than money. I promise.

[amloveabledeathmo]

Doctors need to actually listen.

I am really fucking sick of dealing with medical professionals around here. At the beginning of the year I was referred to a rheumatologist to try to figure out the cause of the chronic pain, it has taken at least 3 years of telling my primary about the constant pain to even get the damn referral.

The Rheumatologist gave me a huge list of like 14 different blood tests to get done at a lab, my veins are difficult so I like to go to the same lab because they have been far and away the best at causing the least amount of bruising and pain, so I always ask if I can get blood work done at my preferred lab. They said yeah gave me the paper with the lab orders.

I went that week and got it all done. 2 months later they call a few hours before my appointment time to ask if I ever got the blood work done. It's good they called because the appointment was for telehealth which they absolutely did not inform me it was going to be a telehealth and not in person. Anyway they claimed to have not received any results, call the lab, yes the lab sent them to the office months ago when I got the tests done. Turns out, according to the rheumatologist, the codes must have been wrong because they didn't get any results for the tests they needed and that was the whole appointment. They said they'd fix the codes and I could drive over an hour one way to pick them up or they could email them. So I confirmed my email, waited a few days, nothing, texted them since that's what they always want, nothing, called, nothing, retexted, nothing. So I've been ghosted by the dr apparently.

Had a primary dr appointment and got referred to a pain clinic. Got an appointment immediately basically, probably should have made me more suspicious. Had a 30 minute phone call to do all the stupid intake questions and what not before the appt. Get there and what the fuck do I have to try to fill out? The same DAMN questions! They kept asking for my pain on the pain scale, and would not let me say the pain scale is much to arbitrary and impossible to actually answer.

They then asked where the pain was, which I already had said was everywhere. NO they insisted Where's the MOST pain and just so you know we specialize in joints so which joint is the worst. There is not a consistent most pain, it depends on how I've been moving, what's popped painfully the most recent, so I said I guess shoulders, wrists, and ankles. Oh no still wrong, I had to choose ONE, one single joint. So I said the previously broken ankle. They finally moved on from joints just to question if I've had a sleep study and do I stop breathing at night. No I cannot deal with stuff touching my face. So they harped on about sleep studies for a while.

They asked if I had any diagnosis for the pain which I had already told the intake person all about the rheumatologist bullshit and had to retell them who then said oh well let us know when they give you a diagnosis because that will change the way we treat the pain. Then proceeded to tell me that most pain is caused because people need physical therapy, need to exercise, and need to cut out any animal products in their diet.

This was after I said that I have gotten less and less active because of the pain. I am in pain at all times. I can't even sleep through the night because there is not a completely pain free position for me, I have to rotisserie all night. I said I swim some but this year even swimming hurts. THIS MOTHERFUCKER then goes on and on about how swimming CANNOT hurt because there is no pressure on the joints and I need to go to a swim physical therapy because of course I'm in pain since I'm not exercising.

Which I don't do because I can't even go shopping anymore! I told them this. That just going shopping and walking around for like an hour can make me basically unable to move the next day because of so much pain. Well that doesn't matter because if I would just cut out all animal products and exercise I would be better. We also discussed how I am basically resistant to pain meds and just most meds in general too. Oh but don't worry I'll send in a prescription for some inflammation meds at the lowest possible dose and it might help you sleep too!

Oh he also said he saw that I was a patient of the dr who did my hysterectomy and that he had prescribed pain meds to help me. NO YOU GODDAMN MORON! HE PRESCRIBED THE PAIN MEDS BECAUSE I HAD A VERY PAINFUL SURGERY!

THEY JUST DO NOT LISTEN AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT!

[eldritchmochi]

since shit continues to be wild, as evidenced by the oingo boingo voice WEIRD CANCER posts, heres.....

mochi, what the fuck is up with that?? (guts edition) 3.0

1.0 ; 2.0

i apparently have not seen enough specialists so i have an oncologist now. gotta catch 'em all and shit

tl;dr mystery mass did turn out to be technically cancerous. i do not remember the specific type off the top of my head yet but its a weird rare one, because of course it is. luckily its a kind that stays very localized, so it's not gonna pop up anywhere else in my body, and my surgeons did manage to remove all of it with good margins. i am now down the 3rd and 4th part of my duodenum and my gallbladder (which, fun fact, did have signs of chronic gallbladder disease, so i guess i didn't escape that family trend lmao). like all cancers, theres a chance it'll grow back, but if it does, it should be in roughly the same place and is unlikely to be fatal, just annoying

i've got a fuck off big scar building down the centerline of my abdomen, from sternum to groin. it is gnarly as fuck and i am excited to see how it heals. i already have some ideas on how to incorporate it into my tattoos. you can see pictures of it here if you're a morbid freak like me. be sure to look at my reblogs for updates, there will probably be several contained there down the line, for posterity :>

the first like 18hrs post surgery were uh. not fun since it took A WHILE to find some sort of non oral pain management that would actually work for me, so thats great, but sans ng tube, i'm getting by pretty okay with ibuprofen and tylenol with the occasional non-standard opioid. i've been home since tuesday, oct 10th; had a check in with a gp yesterday, oct 13th, and i'm healing well. staples will be removed on the 18th and theoretically i'll be able to keep them >:3c

i'm back to eating semi-normally. still on bowel rest, but it's not as strict as it was before and it's mostly because i am paranoid vs anything required by my doctors. i haven't been nauseous since i went under on oct 4th which is absolutely wild, and i've been experiencing hunger at normal, regular intervals including being able to eat breakfast shortly after i wake up, which i haven't been able to do without a high chance of barfing it back up immediately since i was a teenager

first oncology appt is on oct 23rd. sounds like itll be mostly setting up a plan and schedule for things like regular scans to watch for regrowth and possibly referrals for genetic testing

my pfml back pay came innnnn god only last week holy shit, and my wife got their big chunk of school loans for living expenses so we are mostly fine there. i am arranging with a local queer to come a couple times a week to help with regular chores and stuff at 40 bucks a pop. if anyone would like to sponsor one of those visits or some take out for us, i'm @/sumomomochi on both pp and vnm0

at this point the sort of stuff that would serve us best is GEEFTS. not like, physical things you pay money for necessarily, though if you're a custom dice maker and wanna send us clacky math rocks, i would not say no. things like comments on our fics (mochi's ao3 ; cherry's ao3) or fanart for em, should you be so inclined, would be incredible. cherry is very low key on the internet but i'm chronically online, so other stuff like asks about worldbuilding or fic process or fashion opinions or whatever would be fantastic for me. i am...... incredibly bored after sitting in the same spot for four months now, and i've got another 4-5 weeks of it (:

but! i have a good support system, personally, professionally, and medically, so i'll be alright in the end, just hmm. sure has been a fucking year jesus christ

[nonbinarydeity]

My last couple of days, how I got to where I am now!!

So let me start out by saying that you might not encounter this scenario, so definitely don't be discouraged, but if you get really bad doubts right after feeling super empowered, this is gonna be the post for you!!

Alright so the timeline for this is three days. It usually takes me like three days to improve my mindset on something so I'm not surprised by this at all lmao.

It all started at like 1 pm on the 19th. I had an appointment that I really didn't want to go to, and I told myself that I was 100% going to shift before it. I sat myself down, talked myself through the process of accepting that I was shifting, and then I got it. I didn't shift realities, but my mindset went from "this isn't gonna work" to "omg I'm in my DR" in like half an hour. I accepted that I had shifted, and I told myself that the 3D was gonna change before my appt. It didn't, and ofc I was super discouraged.

The next day I sat myself down and genuinely asked myself if all of this was real. I was ready to give up, but I talked to some of my mutuals about their experiences and decided that I wasn't gonna give up and that I had to keep going. I even let myself cry about it to get the emotions out lol.

Today I tried to get into the void. I was listening to some music and I really felt like I was SUUPER close, but something was just holding me back yk? I was sitting there trying for like an hour and a half, I didn't even realize because time got away from me lol. When I was done, I was really angry and frustrated, but then I was like fuck this I got in I have what I want now. And the instant I turned that anger into fuel for the fire I felt so amazing like??? Omg it was crazy how fast I stopped being mad and started feeling empowered. Just goes to show you that even negative emotions can be good for you lol.

Anyways, now I'm to the point where I KNOW I'm on the right track, and I genuinely feel like something HUGE is gonna change soon, just because I said it would yk? I feel like what I say, goes. It's definitely been a long journey, I had a lot of trauma to deal with, but I'm definitely towards the end of it and at the beginning of my new life now.

I think that my doubts were basically my old mindset fighting back. The more empowered I felt, the more my doubts fought, and when I persisted I got to a tipping point where my doubts gave up because my brain finally accepted my new truth.

It just takes a little bit of pushback to get rid of your doubts, you gotta think of them as temporary and not let them bother you yk?

You've got this fr, don't let anything stop you 🥰🥰

[meadowmousey]

oh my god i have chronic migraines and probs a bigger health issue and I’ve been trying since November to get treatment. My dr gave me samples of a new migraine drug and it actually works, my insurance won’t cover it tho #usa and it took them 3 months just to tell me no. I literally throw up every day. I went from being able to do my job, which includes walking like 15k steps a day, and then doing like an 8 mile hike the next day or at least going on a 2 mile evening walk, to barely being able to only work a significantly less energetic job and taking a day to just lay in bed and recover in between shifts. I’m only 23.

Anyway, after trying to prescribe me a migraine medication that costs ✨$250✨ out-of-pocket, they gave me a different one. I just took it and I literally feel worse than if I just had a migraine. I feel like my entire neck is tensed like I’m being thrown around and my whole body feels almost numb. I think I’m gonna puke again. This fucking sucks. My insurance sucks. The only reason I even got prescribed anything is bc my (male) partner went to my appt with me and advocated for me bc apparently my dr will listen to him instead. I hate this.

[unexpectedyarns]

This Week in Review

I had a 22 hour day yesterday. After I got up at 5:30 central and picked up a load an hour away, I had to take it to a Publix warehouse near Birmingham. The delivery info said “by 5 PM.” I got there at 1. No. The appointment was AT 5 pm. I left there at 8 at night.

Meanwhile god forbid they pay a driver to just come back to the yard from 4.75 hours away. So I had to drive to Decatur AL and pick up a load from GE, and take it to the yard. I got in at 3AM. I got finished doing the truck-winding-down stuff at 4AM.

All while having a horrendous headache, body aches from the stormy weather, and a kidney stone poking me.

We had to be back in knoxville by 8:20 for a Dr appt for Wolf, so we had a 2-hour nap and drove home.

~~~~~~

Meanwhile he had almost the same kind of day. He got up at 4 central. Got to the yard before noon but they are selling his truck. So he had to change out trucks, mattresses and all, by himself. It took him until 10 at night.

He was going to take a nap in case I’d run out of time at the GA line, he could drive up to meet me, sign in to my truck and drive it to the yard. Then he got to talking to a friend and mentioned I was in that much pain plus driving in a storm on curvy unfamiliar roads at 65mph in the dark. The friend told him to call me back and stay on the phone with me. So he did. 💜

Yeah I had a panic attack trying to park the truck at Publix too. Not enough forward room and 30 other drivers watching me.

I can tattoo with observers. But fucking get a 75-ft long bent truck that the back end goes the opposite way you turn the wheel, into a hole with a foot leeway on either side and other trucks there, with 6 feet too little forward room and an audience, while in pain? Recipe for looking like an idiot.

After his appointment this morning, we came home and went to bed until a job interview at 1. I think the interview went well. Not trucking but related, and here at home, and home every day. 🤞🏼

~~~~~~

Got my debit card phished this week too. I’m really careful about shit like that but this one looked exactly like it was from the Post Office.

Good thing I’d just transferred $200 to a remote account. At least I had access to that $ on the road.

Anyhoo, Yeah, fuck this week in particular. Adios. Good riddance. Hwyl.

[semiotomatics]

clouds' healthcare journey, pt. 2

so for anyone who remembers the post I made recently abt me chronicling my healthcare journey (which I ended up deleting in a fit of utter rage and despair a couple days ago, you'll understand why shortly), you'll be pleased to know I finally managed to get an appt at a local clinic on wednesday. if you wanna hear how it went, it's below the cut:

so I spent literally hours beforehand going over my symptoms, their triggers, the exact nature and severity of the pain they put me in, laying it all out on a timeline and rehearsing how I would explain it so that the dr would actually listen to me. I knew exactly what I wanted to ask/demand and what I wanted them to provide. I was shaking, I was so terrified, but I was also the tiniest bit hopeful. I felt so much more prepared than any other time I'd gone to see someone, I figured I had at least a chance of getting somewhere this time.

nope. I don't know that I've ever met a more dismissive, less sympathetic dr. I started out explaining about my recent injury and he immediately cut me off and asked if it was a work injury or not, and if so, if I reported it. I got flustered explaining that the injury was only part of the problem, that this has been a chronic issue for years, and he was like "oh, well you can only claim workers comp if it's a new injury". that's not?? what I asked?? but okay.

I tried to explain my situation but he barely let me get a word in. I mentioned I had pain in my lower back potentially caused by my scoliosis and he had me stand up and do a ROM test, then he did the scoliosis-check-by-feel and was like "who diagnosed you with it" and I was like "I have x-rays" and he was like "well it's very mild, also your ROM is fine" and I was like OKAY, ALSO NOT THE POINT OF MY VISIT.

so at this point I was getting v upset and flustered and thrown off track. we sit back down and he starts explaining how "back/foot pain is very normal, you're young, you need to exercise to prevent it" and starts talking abt physio. I cut him off and say "I've tried physio, it didn't help" which is an oversimplification tbf but I didn't want him to just refer me to physio and call it a day. then he explains "well it's not going to fix it you have to keep going" and I snapped at him (cause I was getting VERY upset by this point) "I don't want to have to go to physio for the rest of my life". also at some point, I don't remember where, he was like "also maybe lose some weight" at which point I just saw red.

holding back tears, I told him "this is not normal, I have been in debilitating pain almost every day of my life, I know other people my age and weight and they don't experience this, other people don't have to go to physio every week, something is wrong with me". he just kind of sighed and said "what do you want" and I said "I want to be tested I want to be diagnosed I want to find out what's wrong with me and I want to know if it can be fixed and how".

he started talking about how he can't just refer me to a specialist he has to do tests first, blah blah blah, and I was like "so do the tests!!" so he started writing a prescription? thingy for me to get x-rays and by that point, even though getting x-rays was one of my goals for the appt, I felt utterly defeated. I took the slip and barely said another word to him before I left.

I sobbed the entire walk home, and then I sobbed myself to sleep. I was being crushed by the weight of what, at the time, felt like an inevitability: that I would never get help, I would never be fixed, I would be in pain for the rest of my life and nobody would even believe me if I tried to explain it. the thought of having to fight tooth and nail just to have my pain be acknowledged was too much for me. I already had to fight my own anxiety, and our broken healthcare system, just to get an appointment, and all it ended up doing was traumatizing me even more. so what's the fucking point of even trying.

anyway, I feel marginally better now. I still have the referral for an x-ray that I do intend to go through with, though I'm desperately hoping I don't have to go back to that dr to discuss the results. luckily there's dozens of clinics around that I can go to, though hopefully it won't take dozens of appointments to find a dr who's sympathetic and competent at their job. it sucks absolute ass, but I'm not giving up yet. stay tuned next time for more thrilling adventures in the Canadian healthcare system!

[agirlneedsgoals]

State of the Me

I'mma put all this here because reasons but I'm also gonna hide it behind a cut because nobody unsuspecting should be exposed to my (legitimate) whining.

Hi, Tumblr. Still stuck in sad panda, still not "back" here, yet. Any reblogs I do are generally because someone linked me to the post. I'm not ignoring anybody, I just can't deal with my notifications so I'm just...not.

I'm not checking email, either, and I've got a slowly growing ball of panic in me somewhere. It's been 2 months...maybe more. I'm such a fuckup.

I fucked my back again. Months of work to get where I was experiencing almost no pain from the nerve damage, unraveled by 3 nights on a decently comfortable couch. That's not fair. I got home from that trip and could barely walk into the house; my mom had to help me. I'm still having trouble walking and it's been almost 2 weeks.

I had to use my Oma's walker to go to my dr's appt (it's too short for me, btw, but it did help me not fall over and become a floor troll). They made me come in because a) they wanted to check my A1C because I'm on a new drug and b) they've never prescribed me pain meds before and don't have any history dealing with my stupid back. When I fucked it in March, I went to urgent care.

Then it turned out they were out of the A1C tests so I am going to have to go to a lab anyway (hah, don't hold your breath, his, it'll be a while until I'm better). Also, it turned out the muscle relaxant the UC had prescribed for my back last time shouldn't be used on heart patients because it will even relax that muscle. 😖 I'd love to blame the UC entirely but I requested it. There was this whole snafu with my dumb insurance and what they would and wouldn't pay for. It ended up with a ton of back and forth between the UC night Dr, my pharmacy, and my insurance. I finally tracked down a 2022 table of what they will pay for and researched the muscle relaxants. I THOUGHT this one was good but I apparently missed the part about it slowing my heart down (I'm already on meds for that, it doesn't need to beat any slower).

He prescribed me something different. CVS was out of it for two days and then mom didn't get to town for another two. 😂 No, no, I'm fine, please go about your business. (I'm being a bitch, it was valid and I said it was okay, I'm just hurting today so.)

Mom and I tangled that day I went to the Dr. She gets impatient and is highly conscious of certain social cues. I explained (I learned this stuff when I was caretaking for my great aunt and Oma) to her afterwards during lunch that sometimes you have to park illegally, make sure the person you're helping gets inside, then park the car. This was after she stopped in front of the building, told me to get out, then tried to rush me when I made a grumpy sound. She finally got out and came around to help but she did it saying, "Yeah, I'll park over there but first you have GET OUT."

I'm pretty even keeled since I've found an okay mix of meds. So when I told her to shut the fuck up, I think it startled her. Oops. She turned around, got back in the car, and just left me there. The door wasn't automatic, either. Man, walkers suck. If you see somebody using a walker, open the fucking door and be patient. Jeez.

Later, I apologized, she apologized. There were hearts and sparkles, whatever. I'm still annoyed that this wasn't just common sense.

Also, I ruined Thanksgiving because I couldn't walk so we had to stay home and cancel our dinner reservations. Mom made dinner from what we had in store. Never had turkey burgers on Thanksgiving before but it was great. 😊

In other news, it's not that I feel lonely but I feel like separations are spreading between me and certain friends. Some of it is logical and valid and started years ago. Not so worried about that anymore, I've kind of accepted it. But some other friends, I feel like it's growing and I can't figure out if it's real (and if so, why, what did I do?) or if I need my meds changed.

Besides the whole anger thing, my main symptom of depression is believing totally and wholeheartedly that nobody likes me and everyone just pretends. I know it makes no sense. That's actually how I figured out that it was all in my head; why would people who don't like me be so nice or give me gifts or take time out to do things for me? The answer is, they wouldn't. Therefore, they liked me and I was not thinking properly. (It's called a persecutory delusion and mine is very light compared to most. Still, my decision to accept people at face value for liking me was a conscious one and I didn't really believe it until we found the right mix of meds.)

Hey, it's not so bad. We have this particular type of chemical imbalance run through our family on my Oma's side. My aunt thought not only was everyone disliking her but they were also out to get her fired at work and actively sabotaging her in life (that last one was focused mostly on my mother, her sister 😬). I mean, it's possible, she wasn't the easiest person to like, but at EVERY job she had? Probably not.

Anyway, let's talk about something good.

I have no money because I am broken and can't work right now so I depend on my mom and the kindness of strangers friends and family. Awkward. But I was raised as a little spoiled princess so I have no shame in asking my mommy for stuff. She got me the cat ear headphones I've wanted forever the other day. They were just delivered but I can't get to them so I have to wait until she's back from town.

I also got the knitting backpack I've wanted but that one came out of my Christmas bankroll early. Perfect! 💕 Not that I've been doing any kind of creative thing or yarn work lately but, anyway.

The Christmas tree is up. It's not decorated but it's up! I can't do anything so mom is supposed to trim it then I'll come out and tell her what she did wrong. 😂 Her words, not mine. We need something over the fireplace. I was gonna make a wreath...

My cousin made a wreath! She sent me pics. It's awesome and beautiful looks like a candy cane dream and I wanna do it. I was supposed to do it while she did hers. I hate being like this. No, were being happy here.

I'm obsessed with "golden hour" by JVKE. It pets something in my brain and makes it calm. I also am really liking "this is what falling in love feels like".

I watched the video for "golden hour," saw how tiny the piano looks next to him, and was like, "How tf tall is this boy?" The Internet tells me he's either 5'8 or 6'7. 🤔 But judging by other videos, he's definitely a giant. I mean, unless he hangs out in dollhouses a lot? That's an option, I guess.

Anyway, here's Wonder Wall golden hour. (Does anybody else feel like this is what the vampires of Twilight should have looked like?)

Oh, I just I found this! (Sorry, I'm on mobile.)

[misterscarlet]

Ch 1

It was a dark and stormy night

"What went wrong?"

         "I duno sometimes girls just loose interest"

He hated these kinds of things, people were so complicated. why humans couldn't be ones and zeros would be a mystery to him. He thought he was in, he thought they clicked.

"god dammit"

Mary was always great at these kinds of things, she got people. had this personality that could pull you into a hug. 

          "hay, if she's not looking for a relationship rn, then don't"

"?"

          "Just say hay 'wanna fuck tn?' worst comes to worst, you get a 'no' and thats it. ur overthinking things, if she says 'no' then you can just say cool ill see someone else' she'll be the one overthinking things"

The irony of solving his own overthinking by giving it to someone else was much sweeter then an ethical wall he had placed between his identity and mind games of this sort.

so he sent it. 

It was the sheer audacity of it all that surprised him. Impulses like these never worked out. These same passions and spirit of the moment thinking had their place in more passionate acts. Communication though should be orderly and respectful. Good communication in any relationship, platonic, social, or otherwise was more valuable then anything. Even Tinder, sure it was a dating app and people were expecting trashy conversations on it, but that it shouldn't mean that he should continue with that trend. He would be better than this, he would be the port in a storm of crappy fish picks and sexual harassment. When he looked down at his phone, he recalled what he had done. It was shame, shame that washed over him and his soul. Could it be that he was no better then the frat boys and the uncultured emotionally stunted boys who passed as college guys. As he stared into those three 'words' he knew in his soul that, he was better than this, relationships were built, nurtured, enjoyed. Relations were to be connections that you formed with someone, something that lasted as a foundation to build your life on.

Then a text arrived

           "do you have place n can u wear condom" his world had suddenly gotten much smaller. Then he sent "yes and yes". What was once a solid wall in his mind and that was never an option, suddenly had a door; and he was through it already.

           "can u pick me up"

He looked at the keys on the end table, and his response was sent. He had only gone a hair down this rabbit hole and he was

                                                                                                                already

                                                                                                                 falling.

You see, he had to play it cool. "sure, where"

Oh god it was one too may words. he had shit the bed, up shitt's creek without a paddle, killed the goose.

           "where r u by

            im by Lexington Campus"

maybe the goose could be re-alived after all.

"I'm in Lex appts" 

            "oh wtf we're so close".

he was a new man, this might just work?

              "can you give me like 30 min"

What you would do to get ready to get fucked besides take a shower didn't make very much sense to him. He didn't expect it to but, why would you freshen up to get ready for a hot and objectively gross activity? he said none of this...

"sure"

when she sent over her address, "1 Glen Eagle Dr, Piscataway"

Tinder does magical things.

Honestly, why would she do her hair, a brush and a bit of conditioner would do the trick. He was just going to pull i-

          "do u care if im in my pjs [loudly crying face emoji]"

again, these pointless questions

"I'm just going to take them off,

so no"

            "o-"

yep he was in. sure, he had social anxiety and talking to a woman on the street was harder then a brick. He did have one thing though he had a feeling for when he was in a girl's head.

           "LOL ur cute"

*mental Hi-five*

why not lean into it

"Although if you could do your hair, I would like to mess that up"

              "it's done"

where he smiled to the camera (yes he does this in real life, I am sorry) and with a grin that could only say 'if it works, it works, don't question it'

The walk in the rain wasn't terrible, a drizzle fell gave everything a hazy look. Those nights as summer aren't cold, they simply feel so as you think about the season that just moved on without you.

That night he felt warm, because sex.

simply saying 'here' would be too clinical, too strait forward, to average, sex was something special, so the last thing he wanted to text should reflect that. "your carriage has arrived"