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emiisanxious · 4 years

Text

Everything is Alright

Archive of Our Own Link

Rating: General Audiences

Archive Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Category: M/M

Fandom: Sanders Sides (Web Series)

Relationships:

Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders

Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders

Additional Tags:

Comfort

Fluff

Light Angst

Alternate Universe - Human

Summary: “Virgil had a tiring shift and all that he wanted was Roman.

Really I'm just bad at summary.”

"Hey... Can you go downstairs to meet me up?" He was able to let the plea out of his tone, although it was a matter of need, not just selfish.

"Sorry Vee, I'm near done with my work, need 10 more minutes and then I will be free to stay with you." Was the answer he received from the other man, he let a soft sigh and murmurs. "It's okay..." With that, he hung up the phone as he walks past the gates and then starts to walk up the stair. His apartment is on the third floor of three floors. It's more likely a private apartment through. Since the 6 men inside all know each other since childhood.

It wasn't that late, like 11 pm, but it was already late for three of the man are been sleeping. Logan, Patton, and Janus needed to sleep early since they wake up and go to work early. Remus worked all night, so he probably wasn't there, while Roman his actual boyfriend had a messed-up schedule as a writer and theater professor.

Virgil on the other hand had a more messed-up schedule as he is a babysitter. Honestly, the only reason he liked this type of work is that the only interaction he has with adults is when he is receiving the notes about the child. No matter what type of children, he does have a way to deal with them, weird enough the kids loved him. And with his anxiety, he can remember and follow all the rules that the parents need. So in general, this type of job is perfect for him.

But... It does have bad sides for him. Because of his anxiety, he has a hard time to eat or sleep while taking care of the child, which can drain his energy quickly. So today was one of those days, where the parents just told him that he would need to do trick-or-treat with the kid, put them to sleep, and tomorrow at eight or worse nine they would be back.

It was nerve-wracking when he got a call saying that they would be delayed because their familiar problem got worse. He couldn't blame them, their grandma was in the hospital and they were taking care of her he got it. What doesn't got it was his anxiety.

What was supposed to be a 12 hours shift, went far more than 24 hours which he wasn't expecting; He was tired, but that was it, they all were safe and all he needed was get back to his home. In his way, he called Roman, he knew very well that he was been a needed selfish, but he truly needed some comfort right now. The disappointment as he hears the answer, he couldn't do anything, Roman needed to finish after all...

So as he finally is back, he locks the door, let go of his shoes, and without thinking, he goes straight to his room, let his bag fall slowly on the floor, to then take out his clothes, wash his hands, change to his pajamas and just throw himself on the bed. Pulling the blanket over his head as he hugs his legs.

It was fine, he was already home, but he couldn't help the insecurity thoughts that passed on his mind. He didn't hear when Roman called him, but he did jump when he felt arms around him hugging him tightly. "I'm here, I'm sorry I couldn't go downstairs. But I'm here now, and everything is fine Vee."

Those words did him move from where he was, to turn and just bury his head on Roman's chest. He wasn't feeling well, it was always a drain when his work didn't go as it should be. "Did you eat something or slept?" He could hear the concern in his boyfriend's tone. Although he was feeling nonverbal right now, so he just shook his head.

"Are you feeling nonverbal?" A nod, as all the answers he could give him. "How about... I order something light for us to eat, and while we wait we just stay like this. When the meal comes, I will get it and we can go watch something while eating, sounds good?" He had to move a bit to look at Roman, and then nod before moving back to bury his head on his chest. "Okay then." As the writer moved to pick up his phone he ordered something in silence.

Although when he was done, he did put on some Disney piano music, and just stayed there playing with purple hair, murmuring the musics. It took a whole two songs, till Virgil felt better. "I'm just... What if I messed up? You know, I... It was already 20 hours awake, and it was still 1 pm... I didn't eat anything and..."

"Shushu... I'm pretty sure you didn't mess up anything Vee. But to calm you down how about... I ask questions about it and you try to answer?" That was a nice exercise they developed to calm him down and talk about his day so he just nodded.

"What time the kid woke up? Did the kid brush their teeth?"

"8 am, and yes..." He had to stop a bit, to think about it since at this time his head is aching by lack of sleep and food.

"Nice, what you gave for breakfast?"

"Hm... Peanut Butter jelly bread? And Juice. Around 9 am... Because he helped me to do the bed."

"Okay, then what type of exercise you did with them?"

"Well, it was 9:30 am, that is when I got the call saying they would get long to return... So I asked if the kid had homework to do, and then I helped him to do it..." He started to breathe a bit more even and calm now.

"Seems like you improvised well ~! So, lunchtime? What you gave him?"

"Yeah... We stayed till noon doing his homework, mostly because he had so many questions... But after that, I gave him some leftovers that I could find on the fridge... After that, I let him watch tv and gave him some sweets since he was behaving. For dinner, I did some sandwiches and when their parents were back he was playing a game on his ps4."

"Did he broke any of the parent's rules?"

"Nah, I already looked for this kid once, he normally is well behaved. But he did miss his parents..."

"See, everything is fine Vee."

He sighed in relief, feeling his head far quieter as he looks to Roman, and place a small kiss on his lips. "Thanks... I guess I passed my limit of staying awake and just needed you to ground me down..." He murmurs as he now started to feel bad about needing his boyfriend's attention. Although before he could think too much about it, the brunet just passed his hands over his chin and pulled him in a deep and lovely kiss, which lasted for a minute, before he let go.

"Hey, relax. I'm your boyfriend for 5 years now, and you're starting to trail off about how needed you're right now. I know this look and this pattern. But it's not bad, I do love to give you all the attention I can ~! And all the cuddles and caress. Even if you didn't ask, I would still give you. Because you deserve it okay?" Roman was always making sure that Virgil understood that, and that is something that he was glad about.

"Okay, Prince." He smiles, now feeling more light and calm, as he looks back to his boyfriend. "Thanks."

"Shushu Emo, let's just appreciate the music till the food is here okay?" A nod was all he gave the other as he just stayed there cuddling. Although halfway he had to sit down and shake his head. "I'm going to shower..." He looked to Roman who just smiled and then when to pick up some clothes, going to the bathroom attached to the bedroom he undressed and started the shower.

His boyfriend though stayed there, putting the music a bit louder, as he promised he wasn't going to leave unless necessary. During his bath, he could hear the phone calling and the warning that the food was there, where he could see Roman leaving to pick up and Virgil just finished his bath.

Changing clothes and drying his hair he put up some clothes before returning to the living room, where he turned the TV and choose a movie to watch. Soon enough Roman was back with the food, going to the kitchen to serve it right and pick up some drink.

He ate the food and drink it, gladly that his boyfriend didn't put a lot, probably already knowing he won't be able to eat that much. Halfway through the movie, he started to feel sleepy, as he was finally able to rest, where Roman just let him rest on his shoulder. When the movie ended he turned the TV off and then carried him to their bed.

Turning the lights off and then slipping to lay down at his side. Letting relaxing music playing and a small night lamp on, as he just hugs Virgil and cuddles with him. "It was just a hard shift... You will be fine tomorrow. If not, I will be here to take care of you." He places a gentle kiss on his boyfriend's forehead and then falls asleep with him.

Notes:

So... It's somewhat based on a true experience, yet I just wanted to try something fluff with comfort? I dunno. My mind is weird. Also, I can't sleep because I need to keep my messed-up schedule.

About this: Here are some random things I didn't write in the fic but thought about:

- They are most likely the same height, a few inches tall or shorter. - They also have the same age range between 30, the difference between months. - They are all in a large relationship. Although some click more than others because of time. - If Roman wasn't home, he would jump to Patton and Logan. - They all have different jobs.

I honestly want to write more as them human and on his universe, if you have suggestion drop it down at my tumblr.

#Virgil Sanders #Roman Sanders #prinxiety #fanfic

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joshslater · 5 years

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The Reformatory

A rewrite of jd07201990′s swimmer story. Similar stories and bonus material on my Patreon.

T -1

Dear diary or however you are supposed to start.

So tomorrow is the big day. Dad and I are sleeping at a Holiday Inn at the other side of the state. Well, I'm obviously not sleeping. How could I? So I thought I should start a journal of some sort to document this experience.

Some background. Two months ago I was in a fight with Mark Samberg on the football team. It had gotten pretty bad between the football schmucks and us swimmers. The jockheads were constantly harassing us, calling us fags and prissy boys. It happened often and was getting boring. As the captain of the swim team I asked Mark to knock it off and get his players in line. Idiot as he is he tried to knock me out instead, and I lost it. In our scramble I managed to knock him down and was about to kick him in the shin when he shifted and instead I connected with his knee. Apparently it fractured. He'll be able to walk and even run, but he'll not be able to play again for years, so he lost his Scholarship.

His family sued everyone they could. Me, the school, the swim coach. In the end all the lawyers sat down in a room with a local judge and came up with something they all could agree to. Mark gets some study assistance to get his grades up, the school had this quickly brushed under the carpet, and could pretend I was never student there. Me not graduating wasn’t really a blow, as my college fund now went to pay for Mark’s education, as compensation. They were rich enough to afford it anyway, but they wanted to see punishment. I get the honor to spend the next 180 days at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where I will "participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs". They can tack on some extra days for bad behavior without going back to the judge, but essentially I get 6 months at bad boy camp for standing up to bullies.

What will I do there? No idea. The website talks a lot about work ethics and responsibility and working together with the local community. Sounds like labor camp to me. I'll guess we'll know tomorrow. But first we have to visit the hospital for a check up. My first day in prison will mostly not be in prison!

Day 1, Monday

We started with a checkup at the hospital, and man did they do a thorough job. Our appointment was at 10, but before that I had to fill out a form with 100 questions. The doctor spent more than 30 minutes doing the most extensive check I've ever had. Not only that, but after the check we had to go to the sample lab to draw blood, and finally I had a CT scan at noon. After that, and a quick lunch, we drove to the actual reformation center, which was in a smaller town 2 hours away.

It's an old boarding school building that they've turned into this "Reformation Center", and it clearly looks more like a prison than a school. Just a heap of two story brick and concrete buildings out in nowhere. Not much of security, but then everyone was there "voluntarily", meaning that we all had a proper punishment waiting for us if we left. I hugged dad goodbye and was shown to Mr. Kerwin’s office by the entrance guard.

Mr. Kerwin was a lean, ripped man in his forties that oozed military discipline. He explained that he was responsible for my rehabilitation and that he wouldn't start soft. He would give me a packed schedule, and if I didn't pull my weight he would add more days for "noncompliance". If I didn't like it I could run back to judge Stephenson and ask to start over in juvie.

Perhaps that would be better, because the schedule he showed me was totally insane.

4:30-5:00 Breakfast 5:00-8:00 Exercise pass 1 8:00-12:00 Work pass 1 12:00-12:30 Lunch 12:30-14:30 School 14:30-17:30 Work pass 2 17:30-18:00 Dinner 18:00-21:00 Exercise pass 2 21:30 Lights out

He explained that my breakfast, lunch and dinner would be pre-portioned and I was required to eat all of it. The exercise passes would be lead by himself or one of the assistants. Again, I would have to follow every instruction. The work passes were done at local businesses that wanted an extra hand, and changed depending on demand. The school passes were done as a group on whatever subject Mr. Reed selected.

Next he ordered me to get naked and place all my clothes on top of my bag and move to the other side of the room. Having done so he pointed at a stack of clothes on the table and told me to pick my size and get dressed. I quickly dressed in one of the track suits from the table. There was a baseball cap also, which confused me, but was told that it was instead of sunglasses when working outdoor.

With that I was given a rule book to study and was led by an assistant to my room where a dinner was waiting. Turkey, rice, water. I was reminded of lights out at 21:30 and wake up at 4:30. The assistant left and locked the door. 10 minutes later he came back with my journal book and pen, and told me that they'll keep the rest for now.

Having eaten the dinner and having three hours (I'm almost sure 21:30 is 9:30 PM) to kill before the lights go out I'm now summarizing the day. I'm sitting in something very similar to a prison cell. Bed, toilet, sink. Everything is clean, though somewhat worn. Looking into the mirror is kind of depressing though. I look like some jailed gang member.

It's kind of weird that I haven't met any of the other inmates, sorry students, here. I saw some of them while coming in, but perhaps this is their kind of hazing, or they do an official presentation tomorrow. Anyway, I should study the rule book and go to bed, since I didn't sleep much last night.

Day 2, Tuesday

So much to write about, so little time. I might have to split this into several entries since lights out is in 20 minutes.

I was awaken at 4:30 and given a tray with a large bowl of porridge and berries and some chalky smoothie or shake or whatever to drink. After that an assistant lead me to the gym room where we went over various machines, mainly for cardio. Elliptical, bike, treadmill. Weird thing was that it was only us two in the room during all three hours.

Sweaty and a bit tired I was then taken outside to a bus where some of the other boys where chilling. Apparently everyone else had breakfast between 7 and 8. They had no idea why I didn't join them there. The bus then drove around town and the driver announced who should exit where. My group of four people exited at a farm before town, only about 5 minutes away. I don't know exactly since I haven't been given my watch back.

There we spent hours just moving hay. Don't they know about tractors? Sweaty, itchy, tired and hungry we were then picked up and driven back. At lunch was the first time I saw the real common area. To my surprise there were more boys there than had been on the bus.

Everyone else could pick what they wanted from what was served, but I was given a ready tray with an heap of salmon and pasta. I was starving though, so it wasn't a problem to eat it all. I didn't have much time to talk, but the guys at my table were nice. Somewhat rough, as could be expected. Apparently you were chosen for the different work assignments, and if you were not picked you stayed at the center for sports or craft or similar things.

After Lunch followed a session with Mr. Reed. The first boring hour was on English grammar and the second boring hour on US geography. I aced the quizz getting all 50 states and state capitols right, so I didn't learn anything new after that. Then Mr. Reed announced who had work assignments, and I was again selected.

This time I and Troy were dropped off at a different farm where we spent almost three hours helping with fencing. Mainly carry posts and sawing them to length.

For dinner I had some meatballs with roasted sweet potatoes while everyone else had meatballs with tomato sauce. Mr. Kerwin picked me up and led me to the gym. Unlike the morning session this was all about weight training. Most of it was on finding my limits for different exercises while Mr. Kerwin pointed out how I could improve my form. You could tell that this was what he liked to do, and encouraged me to push a bit further. Once we were done I had a bottle of post workout mix of some sort and a very quick shower before rushing back to my room.

Here's the thing. My room is on a different floor than the other guys. Also, my schedule appears to be different and much more rigid than the rest of the guys. I also

Day 3, Wednesday

I couldn't finish the last entry before they cut the light. My entire body is in pain right now. I woke up like that, and it didn't go away all day. Same schedule as yesterday, but different tasks and different dishes. The assistant really pushed today during the morning session, so I was exhausted already at the bus. Planting bushes at the city park all morning didn't help. I got some rest during Reeds rehash of elementary math. Then back to doing fences, and top it all off with weight training. I asked Mr. Kerwin about the schedule and why it was so different from everyone else’s. He said that everyone's schedule is individual and that he'll adjust mine as needed.

One more weird thing before I fall to sleep. Everyone else is using their normal clothes. I haven't gotten mine back yet.

Day 4, Thursday

FUCK! I was back on moving hay today again, with Sam, Trevor and Rick. I'm still hurting like hell and Rick is one lazy motherfucker, so old fart Farmer Joe decided to complain. The end result is that I am getting 2 days added for noncompliance. Sam, Trevor and Rick got nothing. WTF!

Day 5, Friday

We were carrying merchandise all morning and Troy heckled me on how I got more days because of the piece of shit Rick. But he then said that it was a weird coincidence that every work shift I've been on has been the toughest one.

Instead of going to class I met with the doctor from the hospital who made a visit. He asked me about how I felt, where I was sore etc. Then he gave me an injection which he said would ease things for me. I didn't feel much different, but I was getting really sleepy getting back to Mr. Reeds class, but it might just be that everything he did was too simple and boring.

Apparently while I had a check up Troy had shared his theory about me being a work magnet, so there were some groans from the guys placed in my group. God damn fence work again.

Man, I'm tired. I was tired even before Mr. Kerwin gave me the toughest weight pass ever. Fuck, I'm tired.

Day 6, Saturday

So the weekend schedule is different. There is still a morning work pass, basically only used by the local farmers. But the afternoon is free both on Saturdays and Sundays. Conditions and terms applies, apparently. Since I haven't done any cleaning or dishes all week (how could I?), I'm assigned washing clothes, sheets etc. Man, how much better it is to carry laundry than hay. Best job assignment all week. Lots of downtime. Only real drawback is all the humidity. It’s steamy AF here.

Still fucking 3h workout pass in the morning and evening. The other boys were pretty vocal in mocking me on my way to the gym.

Day 7, Sunday

So the day started out as any other so far. Woke up sore. Breakfast alone and 3 hour gym session. There are no work passes outside LARC on Sundays, so I was hit with cleaning, together with Kyle G. and Rick. Rick ghosted after like three minutes, but KG did a solid work. It took us all the time til lunch though to finish it.

Then my first free couple of hours all week. It’s insane. The other guys were low key avoiding me, so I did what Mr. Kerwin had suggested and had a walk in the forest. It was actually kind of nice, and for some weird reason I didn’t feel like sitting still.

Day 8, Monday

Same shit again. Mr. Kerwin gave me a shot in the arm this evening. Apparently I’ll have one each Monday from now on. Whatever.

Also I found out today that the others don’t have formal lights out. I’m on my own floor so they can lock me up and cut the power. What the fuck?

Day 9, Tuesday

That fucker Rick slacked off again, taunting me about another two days. Ha! I got 10. Mostly for kicking him in the teeth. They locked me in my room, so I had lunch there and sat in this boring ass cell during class and work. Fuck, I don’t know what’s worse. I had to do some body weight exercises to keep sane. Fuck this shit.

Back again. I still got to have my evening workout. Kerwin was pushing harder than ever. The order of exercises was different too. Apparently to make the major muscles tired so smaller muscle groups then get to work. Or something. I don’t give a shit.

Day 11, Thursday

They fucking work now, don’t they the little shits. They know I ruined someones career to get here and another one for slacking off. They better pull there weight

Day 14, Sunday

I think I’ll stick to just write on Sundays. There is only half an hour from evening gym to lights out, so there isn’t much time for writing. I’ve even skipped shower a few times. It’s not like it matters when you start every fucking day getting soaked with cardio. Not like there are any girls around to impress either. Sunday has a different vibe tho. Cleaning, running in the forest and taking a long shower.

Starts and ends with fucking gym time though.

Day 21, Sunday

I really fucking like the forest runs. Its like you don’t have to think and can just run wherever and grab whatever and smash whatever. Fucking love it

Day 28, Sunday

Yay! A full fucking month!

It’s crazy though how much stronger I’m. I have gone up one size larger track suite and 2 sizes larger sneakers. Working hard to make me the best I guess.

Day 42, Sunday

guess i forgot about writing last week. i think the monday shots make me angry or something because last week fucked up someone else on tuesday. at least they all give me fucking respect at least.

Day 92, Monday

i dont give a shit abot reeds borin ass lessons and they fuckin repeat on a loop or some shit. today he was back on gramr and the states. i most time dont fill out his shit but wanted to do it again today. fucking aced most of the states. not so good on the capitols tho

Day 203, Sunday

only 2 weeks left tomorrow lol then im gonna yeet the fuck outta here !!!! adios motherfuckas

Mr. Kerwin enters the room, carrying a folder, and walks behind his desk, not even looking at me. I am sitting in his precious fucking antique chair I pulled from the corner. He’s sitting his ass down, rifles through the papers in the folder and starts to read from one of them.

“John Hamlin agrees to 180 days of rehabilitation training at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center, where he will participate in all scheduled exercises, activities, therapies, meals and medication programs, with a possible extension of 30 days for noncompliance and a possible extension of 60 days for infractions as described by the Juvenile Rehabilitation Act (JuRA), section 1103 (b).”

He looks up at me. It sounded like easy shit when I said yes to it. I thought half a year in a bad boy summer camp, or worst case something like prison, but that would have been miles better than this fucking non-stop hard labor shit. And 180 days was a fucking joke. They never fucking intended that to be the actual time. Have someone else slack off and the slap another 2 days to the time. Kick a chair to pieces, 5 days. Punch a guy for being a cunt, 10 days. I’m close to having another fucking outburst again. It must be all that fucking shit they put in the food or shakes or whatever. I fight it. I don’t want to show any emotion in front of him. I don’t think he buys my shit.

“There is another document in the agreement that you haven’t heard. This one between Mark and judge Andrews.”

He pulls out another paper from the folder and read it.

“The state hereby directs Mark Samberg, or person(s) by him so designated, to design and oversee the rehabilitation program of John Hamlin to be administrated at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center. This includes physical exercises, physical therapy, education, consoling, dietary plan and medication, as long as it fulfills the positive development criteria (Appendix D), is within the available services at the Lepinski Adolescence Reformation Center (Appendix A) and within the given budget (Appendix C). Additional services require external financing and approval from the Reformation Center management (Appendix B).”

That doesn’t make any fucking sense. Why the hell had the judge put Mark in charge of my schedule? I understand why he’d want to make the experience suck as much as fucking possible for me, by why had everyone agreed to it? Kerwin looks at me as if he can read an open book.

“You are wondering what has happened to you. What was the meaning of all this? Stand up.”

I jump to my feet. There are still weeks he can add to my time here, and I don’t want to give him any fucking reason to add some shit.

“Stand with your feet as close together as you can.”

He’s never asked me to do that before. I can easily tap me feet together, but I can’t really stand still with my feet right next to each other for long. What the fuck is this bullshit? My thighs are too massive for that.

“Sit down again.”

He leans back and watches me with a bemused smirk.

“Imagine that you’d been away from swimming half a year. Even if you kept in shape it would take you months to be back in good enough technique to clear the swim team tryouts. But you have not kept in shape, have you? You have a completely new shape.”

The blood is draining from my face. I understand where this is going.

“With your upper body build you can physically really only do butterfly strokes properly, but if you can’t bring your feet together the leg kick will just be a wild thrashing of water. You swimming medley would be a hilarious joke. We haven’t even talked about you almost doubling in weight, and how much more oxygen you would need to swim. Sure, you are much stronger now, but old you would swim circles around new you. And that is of course the point. If Mark couldn’t have his sports career, he didn’t want you to have yours either. And the judge agreed.”

I’m surprised that the chair doesn’t break, as hard as I’m squeezing it. I’m boiling with fucking rage. I have to really focus to not to act on it.

“Now the judge specifically set out that this transformation couldn’t be punishment in itself, but rather that you were trained in a way that just wasn’t optimal for swimming. We may have gone a bit overboard with the body building to leave you many options though. You’ll obviously never be competitive in anything with speed or agility, like football or boxing. The metabolic conditioning, hormone treatment and gene therapy have far to long lasting effects to change you back from where you are now. You could try wrestling or weight lifting though, unless you mind showing your erection through spandex.”

“What the fuck?”, I said, as much as a general question to all the things he’d said. What does metabolic conditioning mean? Gene therapy? Erections?

“The medical regimen that Marks family found for you kind of put the feet on both the gas and the break at the same time. It forces the body to grow a lot at the same time as we try to stop it, so it has to try even harder. By injecting stem cells with the right CRISPR-modified DNA we could get rapid, major and long lasting changes. Well, I say we, but all I did was to make sure you kept to the exercise regimen, for a little cash on the side… Surely you didn’t think you got larger feet and dick from eating much and working hard?”

I don’t understand exactly what they done to me, but the result is pretty fucking clear. There was no way I would swim competitively ever again, if I could even fucking swim at all now. I would come out of here looking like a fucking balloon animal muscle jock, and shedding the muscles back to where I were would take shitloads of years.

“The hormone treatment finished two weeks ago and last blood sample shows that your natural hormone levels will keep you muscled and pumped probably well into your forties. So this morning I also cut you off from all suppressive medication as well. That is going to spike your hormone levels and mess quite a bit with you, so we need to see just how badly fucked up you are before we can release you.”

“The good doctor say that you’ll be more irritable and have more excess energy than before. Both something you can work on with regular, hard exercise. But I want to see where you really are at now, so starting today you’ll have no required gym time and labor passes. You can wake up when you want, eat what you want and do what you want.”

“You said erections?”, I asked.

“Yeah, the suppression medication should have kept you limp. You haven’t jacked off while here, have you? Well, you heard what I said about gas and break and compensation. Your body has been pumping massive amounts of hormones into your blood, and will continue to do so. But now that you don’t have the suppressives anymore you should expect to be horny for the next decade or two. You’ll be nothing but a lumbering muscle dildo.”

There’s a crack somewhere inside the wood of the armrest. Fucking fourteen more days, I have to remind myself. Don’t fuck any shit up before then. If I let go of the chair I’m quite positive I will knock him the fuck out. Fourteen fucking more shit days.

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let-me-write-shit · 4 years

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Like We Used To: 20

A/N: Thanks for the love in the last chapter! I didn’t realize how many of you were still reading! It was nice to hear from you!

[Click Here For Previous Chapters]

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CHAPTER TWENTY:

The sun had been brightly shining on her face for hours now, but she managed to avoid it, too tired to wake yet. It was a little after noon. They had to leave in a few hours to go back home. Elizabeth couldn’t be too sure when the last person had gone home after the party, because she had slipped away at 3 AM to go to bed in a guest room. It felt weird going to Harry’s room to sleep, and if she was being honest, she was still a little bothered about his ex-girlfriend being there. She didn’t want to argue with him, after all, he did spend the rest of the night practically showing Elizabeth off to all of his friends, but she did see him saying goodbye to Camille before she left and couldn’t help but doubt herself when she saw his arms tighten around her and thought she saw a bit of sadness watching her leave. He said he was over her, but was he? Or was she just overreacting? Either way, she felt like she needed distance after that to avoid saying things she didn’t mean, so she just went to a guest room to sleep.

She heard the door creak open, the patter of footsteps, a couple clinks on the bedside table, and the bed depress behind her, arms snaking their way around her waist, pulling her in tight. The familiar subtly spicy scent lingered in the air as a smile flicked onto Elizabeth’s face. She couldn’t stay mad at Harry for long, not when his touch was so gentle and sweet. She let herself sink into him for a moment before turning to face him, fluttering her eyes open to be met inches from his emerald green ones, noticing speckles of yellow in them. His eyes twinkled at her.

“What are you doing in here?” Harry whispered, kissing her nose.

Suddenly she felt silly for being insecure. She yawned, “I don’t know. Must have had too much to drink. When did you go to bed?”

“The last person left at 4,” he said, sitting up and reaching over to the side table. “I made you some food.”

He held a plate with eggs, sausage, and fruit, and a cup of coffee in front of her, knowing she’d want breakfast even though it was lunch time. She smiled and sat up, grabbing it. It was weird how quickly the two of them became so deeply invested in each other. Surely them knowing each other since childhood played a part in it, but they had been separated for so long, that couldn’t be the only reason for it. They’ve always had a pull towards each other, some kind of force wanting them to be together. Maybe it was destiny? Elizabeth wasn’t too sure if she believed in that kind of stuff, but there was no other way to explain it. At least, none that she could think of. Maybe she was just really horny. Maybe Harry was just really lonely. Who knows?

After they ate, she took a shower and decided not to wear makeup today as she had to fly for over ten hours and she just wanted to be as comfortable as she could. Somehow, Elizabeth managed to not pack enough shirts. Usually she was over-prepared when it came to packing, but because this was a last minute decision to come here, she must have miscalculated the amount of time she'd be there. She shuffled through Harry’s dresser, grabbing a grey t-shirt with a large yellow smiley face on it, slipping it on before heading downstairs with her luggage.

Harry smiled when he saw her, putting his weight on one foot and crossing his arms, “Is that shirt mine?”

She looked down at herself, grinning back up at him, “Sorry. I didn’t have any more tops. I’ll give it back later.”

He shook his head, pulling her closer to him, “Don’t. It looks better on you.”

A driver came to take them to the airport and it took nearly an hour for bags to be loaded, everyone to get situated, and in the air. Everyone was pretty rowdy as it was nearly 5 PM, but it was a ten and a half hour flight, so it eventually died down. They’d be arriving in London a little before noon on Saturday because of the time difference. Half of the people on the plane had fallen asleep and the other half were either scrolling through their phones or chatting. Harry had an arm around Elizabeth’s shoulder as she rested her head on his chest, talking with Mitch, Sarah, and Jeffrey about plans for the next couple weeks.

“I have the studio booked for you all day Sunday, and then on Monday you have your first meeting with your Gucci stylist for an outfit to wear to the LA fashion show in two weeks,” Jeffrey said.

Harry nodded, “What time are we getting to the studio on Sunday? I really wanna knock out at least two songs. Completed.”

“Maybe we can get there around 9?” Mitch suggested, looking around at everyone who nodded in agreement. “I think we can definitely knock out at least two songs, if not three. They’re practically finished, we just need backing vocals and a couple different chord changes.”

“Have you heard any of the songs yet, Lizzy?” Sarah asked.

Elizabeth shook her head, relaxed as Harry stroked her hair, “Only Cringe. He hasn’t let me listen to anything else. He keeps changing the subject.”

Everyone looked at Harry, slightly amused. Mitch said, “Not even one? You should let her come and listen. What, were you gonna wait for her to hear them once they were released?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” Harry shrugged, looking down at her, “You said you were going to be in London with Kate, Lewis, and Matt this weekend, right?” she nodded and he continued, “Maybe we can all grab some lunch together and then head back to the studio?”

Elizabeth nodded, “Yeah, we have no official plans so I’m sure they’d be down for that.”

“Perfect,” Harry looked up at his band mates, “We can play them that one song…”

Elizabeth furrowed her eyes in confusion, but the subject had changed and she decided to let it go, eventually falling asleep. Hours had passed when she felt herself being shaken away. This time, by Jeffrey. She sat up, seeing the plane descending as he woke everyone else up. There were groans echoing in the plane, gathering up last minute items.

Harry wiped the sleep from his eyes and stretched, falling into Elizabeth and resting his head by her stomach while wrapping his arms around her waist. She laughed, fluffing his hair.

“Am I taking you home?” He yawned.

“No, Matt’s picking me up, remember? I just have to grab a few things from my place before we head over to Kate’s.”

He sat up and frowned, “I forgot. I don’t want you to leave yet.”

Elizabeth chuckled, “We’ve been together for 2 weeks straight. Are you not bored of me yet?”

“Not even a little.”

The plane had landed and everyone piled out. Everyone’s cars were pulled up and parked, waiting for them, and Elizabeth could see Matt stepping out of his car wearing a chauffeur suite with a huge grin on his face. She excitedly weaved through everyone, jumping into his arms and laughing.

“You big idiot!” She squeezed him.

“What, and come pick you up from a private jet in peasant clothes? What do you take me for?” He joked, turning his attention to Harry who was walking up to them. They clasped hands and smacked each other on the bag in a friendly hug, saying their hello’s.

“I mentioned to Lizzy that I’ll be in the studio tomorrow not far from you guys if you wanted to grab some lunch and come back with me, I was kinda hoping you all could listen to a song we wrote for my next album,” Harry asked him.

“Yeah, man, that sounds cool. I’ll let the other’s know,” Matt nodded, turning to Lizzy, “You ready to go? I’ll go grab your bags.”

Elizabeth smiled as he headed towards the pile of bags that were being taken off of the plane. She turned to look at Harry whose lips were turned down in a frown again and she laughed, standing on her toes to give him a hug. He squeezed her tighter and nestled his head into her hair, swaying her slightly.

“Thanks for everything,” she whispered.

“Don’t,” he choked up, covering it with a little chuckle, standing up. She could see his eyes looked glassy, “You say it like I won’t see you again.”

She laughed, shaking her head, “It’s one night! I’m going to see you tomorrow!”

“I know. But I got used to being with you.”

Matt returned with the bags, throwing them in the trunk and getting in the car, waiting patiently. She turned back to Harry with an empathetic frown, placing her hands on his cheek and pressing her lips to his. This time, it felt different. The kiss felt more deep and loving than it ever had. She fed into it, letting herself be carried away in the moment before snapping back to reality. When she pulled away he looked into her eyes for a moment and her heart started racing, understanding. She knew it at that moment. The hurt she felt from having to leave, the yearning for more of his touch. The unwavering feeling of comfort by just a look from him. The ache she felt seeing him even remotely upset, even if it was over something so silly. She loved him.

Elizabeth cleared her throat, stepping back. This is a pretty shitty time to come to this realization, a little scared at how fast it hit her. She gave him one more smile before stepping into the passenger seat, waving goodbye to Harry and everyone else as they drove away.

“Things look like they’re going alright with you and Harry, yeah?” Matt said, “Did you guys make it official yet?”

“Not yet,” Elizabeth swallowed, turning up the stereo to his car.

The great thing about having been friends with Matt for over twelve years was that he knew her completely. When she was happy, when she was upset, when she was angry, and when she needed a distraction. So instead of carrying on the conversation, he did what he does best: make her laugh. He blasted the raunchiest songs he had on his playlist and they screamed the lyrics at the top of their lungs, rocking the car as they danced. Stopping at her home was a ten minute ordeal, throwing her luggage in her room and transferring her makeup to a smaller duffel bag with new, clean clothes before going right back in Matt’s car.

They decided to stop and grab some carryout chinese food for everyone on the way to Lewis and Kate’s house, letting themselves right in the door and tossing it on the table before tackling her friends who were spread across the couch. Kate and Elizabeth screeched in excitement, squeezing each other tightly and laughing.

“How was your honeymoon?” Elizabeth finally sat up, giving a quick hug to Lewis as Matt unloaded the food.

“Oh my god, so dreamy! I’m a little sad to be back!” Kate swooned, thanking Matt for her food. “How was LA? I need all the details.”

“It was good, but you first! I wanna know everything.”

Kate and Lewis gushed about their week-long adventure in Cancun, swimming, relaxing, and exploring. It amazed her how much Kate and Lewis seemed genuinely in love, even after twelve years of growing up with each other. A true inspiration.

Elizabeth nearly avoided having to talk about her trip, until Kate remembered. When she mentioned all the things that had happened, she started out vague at first. But towards the end, she wound up spilling her soul out to her friends; telling them about the interviews, about how many times they had sex and how great it was, about her feelings, about how she thought she loved him. They listened, uninterrupting. They let her spill everything that’s been on her chest the past two weeks that she was too afraid to say to Harry. She didn’t realize how much emotion she had pent up until she felt her chest get heavy and her eyes start to well up with tears. Her three friends surrounded her, smothering her in hugs.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Matt was the first to speak, surprising them with how serious he was being. “Listen, after all the shit you went through the last time he left and the bullshit with Kyle, I don’t blame you for being scared. But, Lizzy, he’s not Kyle. I know I talked all this shit two weeks ago about being careful, but he seems ready for this.”

Kate nodded in agreement, “You should give him a chance.”

“I know. And he’s been really patient with me while I try to figure everything out. But it’s not just as simple as ‘I’ll be your girlfriend now’, you know? There’s the press, the fans, the effect on his image. It’s a lot involved.”

“And you should have that conversation with him,” Lewis said. “It doesn’t have to be right this second. But when you have the opportunity where you two can really sit down face-to-face and have a conversation privately, you should tell him how you feel. You should allow yourself to be vulnerable.”

“Yeah, and at least this way you can continue to babystep your relationship. If it starts out more privately it gives you more time to adjust to this new kind of world before the press finds out. I mean obviously there are already people who are assuming you’re dating, but it seems like for the most part people truly believe you’re just old friends,” Kate said.

Elizabeth nodded in agreement, thanking her friends for their words of advice and encouragement. She heard her phone alert her of a text and she grabbed it, seeing it was a message from Harry. She opened it with a slight smile, but as she read, that smile started to disappear.

‘I’m so sorry Lizzy.’

Her eyes furrowed in confusion as she clicked the link that was attached to his text and her throat swelled, palms sweaty as she read the title ‘Just Friends? Harry Styles Caught Kissing An Old School ‘Friend’.’ The picture immediately below was a shot from when they landed back in London as they were saying goodbye to each other. Elizabeth’s hands were on his cheeks and he had her in a tight hug, leaning over her slightly so that she was slightly bent back. Her cheeks flushed as she read the article that had tons of remarks about how Harry had been denying their involvement all week and how they definitely seem to be closer than he’s said, and things like ‘We didn’t know friends kissed like that’. How the hell would he explain that one away?

KEEP READING

#Harry #Harry Styles #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fan fiction #harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles oneshot #harry styles blurb #one direction #one direction fan fic #one direction fan fiction #fluff #smut

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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1084

survey by trixie11

Yesterday

What time did you wake up? I woke up at 9:30 AM, extremely parched and hungover from the night before. Though I dunno if I should say the night before, since I was in a video call with my college friends from 9 PM to 5 AM, lol. But anyway, we drank a lot and talked a lot and it was SO much fun. I can’t believe it took us 10 months to do this.

Where were you sleeping at? I slept in my own bed, as always.

What was for breakfast? My dad made pancit with pork and vegetables. He also made a bowl of lugaw meant for both my mom (who’s currently on a diet) and for me (since he saw I looked wrecked, and lugaw is a popular hangover food).

What did you wear? I was wearing a black halter top and shorts during the day, but I took a shower in the afternoon and changed into a striped tank top and a new pair of shorts.

Did you go to school? Nope. I did visit UP with Andi last Friday and it felt so uhfjfdlsfsdfh being there. It was such a range of emotions, knowing I haven’t been there since March, I never got a proper senior year experience, seeing all the barriers blocking the streets that lead to the buildings that now double as COVID isolation facilities; and, of course, knowing that this was the place I shared with Gabie for four years and now she isn’t even a part of my life anymore in any way.

Did you go to work? No, it was a Sunday.

What was for lunch? My family always has breakfast really late, so it already doubles as our lunch. I think we were all in the living room to watch a mass livestream during noon.

What was for dinner? My mom made some kind of creamy pasta with toasted bread on the side.

Where else did you go? I stayed home yesterday since I had already gone out last Friday night with Andi and to recharge from my 7-hour call with friends last Saturday. Plus, going out would just tempt me to spend when I have barely anything left from my last paycheck, hahaha.

What did you do there? I just had a Worth It marathon all day. I also finally got up to speed on the independent channel of BuzzFeed people Shane Madej, Ryan Bergara, and Steven Lim called Watcher. I remember subscribing as soon as they launched the channel a year ago but never had time to watch their any of their series. But I finally did, and it turns out I was missing out so bad; their content is pretty great.

Who did you talk to? Well I was up until 5 AM from the night before, and in that call were Blanch, Lui, Jo, JM, Kate, and Laurice. The day after, I talked to my dad, mom, Nina, Andi, and Angela.

Who did you hang out with? Just myself. Me time is super important to me, especially on Sundays.

Who did you text? My phone remained off for most of yesterday.

Who did you call? Didn’t need to call anyone, either.

Anything else about yesterday? By 5 AM only Kate, Laurice, Jo, and I were left in the call since the others got sleepy; we ended up talking about Nacho and thinking back to the time he passed away and sharing our own stories. That was sad, but also therapeutic. Andi also shared photos of them wearing the skirt I gave them for Christmas and I was super happy to see them feel confident in it.

Today

What time did you wake up? I first woke up at around 6:45 AM, but I went back to sleep and woke up again at 7:30. I usually get up to start work at 8, so I spent the next half hour trying to wake myself up and shake off the anxiety I was feeling.

Where'd you wake up at? Again, my bed.

What's for breakfast? Skipped it. It’s my lunch break now and my stomach’s been growling like crazy all morning, so after this survey I might go downstairs and find something to munch on.

School today? No school for me. In general, I think law school is off the table for good. JM told a lot of horror stories covering the toxic culture in law schools all over the country and it’s just...I just don’t think it’s worth it to go through the things he touched on just to get a law degree, especially since I’m not even passionate about being a lawyer. I just thought it could be an option since I like memorizing stuff, lol.

How about work? Yeah, I have work but it’s 12:10 so we’re on lunch break.

What's for lunch? I still have to see.

Dinner? Not sure. My dad usually makes delicious dinner though so I don’t think too hard about this.

Who did you talk to today? I’ve talked to some of my colleagues at work - Ysa, Bea, Denise, Danielle, Pia, and our newest associate Aimee, who starts today and who I already know since we went to college together and took up journalism - and I’ve also talked to Nina, Angela, and Kate.

Who'd you text? Nobody; I don’t really text anymore unless it’s for work. My weekly promo actually expired yesterday so I wouldn’t be able to text unless I redeem that promo again.

Who'd you call? I was in a video call with my work team this morning for our weekly check-in. Then I have three more work-related calls lined up this afternoon.

Anywhere else you're going? I plan to be at home for the rest of my shift and to stay home in the evening so that I have enough time to recharge before tomorrow morning.

What are you doing there? ^ Oop, already touched on that.

What did you wear today? I’m still wearing the same striped tank top + shorts combo from yesterday.

Anything else about today? I hate how anxious I get every Sunday evening/Monday morning before work when things have always ended up being more than okay 10 times out of 10. I don’t know where the nerves come from when I do my tasks correctly and on time, anyway. What matters is I’m settled now at work and I’m just looking forward to finish my shift.

Tomorrow

What time are you waking up? Same time, since I have the same routine every weekday. Sigh, I miss the variety that college life gave me - even things like having my first classes at different hours of the day every weekday already provided a lot of excitement. The 9-6 set-up + WFH can feel so lonely sometimes.

Where will you be waking up? I sleep in my bed like 98% of the time but I also end up passing out on the living room couch sometimes. I can never tell, so this is a question mark for now.

What are you going to eat for breakfast? I will probably skip breakfast as always. If not, I imagine having scrambled eggs, hotdogs, and a couple slices of white bread.

What are you going to wear? I’ll just pick out housewear items from my drawer.

Are you going to school? No.

Are you going to work? You know it.

What are you going to eat for lunch? I don’t plan this far ahead.

What are you going to eat for dinner? No clue but again, my dad will 100% whip up something delicious as he always does for dinner.

Where else are you going? I’m only staying at home since I will need a strong, consistent internet connection to be able to work. This goes for every weekday too.

Who will you talk to? The people I’ll surely talk to are Ysa, Bea, Pia, Danielle, and Aimee since I work with them daily. My parents and sister, too.

Who will you text? I still can’t tell, but probably no one.

Who will you call? I have one Google Meet call scheduled for tomorrow, but we’re 26 in the group and I’m not in the mood to list everyone’s names down.

Who will you hang out with? I’ll only be with myself. My friends are busy with their own stuff on weekdays too, so it’s okay.

Anything else about tomorrow? It’s one day closer to the weekend so it’s something to look forward to.

In conclusion...

What day of the week was yesterday? Yesterday was Sunday.

Today? Monday.

Tomorrow? Tuesday.

What was the date yesterday? January 17th.

Today? 18th.

Tomorrow? It’ll be the 19th.

Which of the three days do you think will be the best? Sunday was obviously the best.

Why? It was the weekend andddd I got to sleep in.

Which one do you talk to more people? Monday is usually the busiest day at work, so I think it would be safe to assume I’ll be talking to more people today compared to yesterday and tomorrow.

Call more people? My Monday schedules will occsionally be flooded with scheduled work-related video calls. I have four for today alone, but I’m already done with three; the last one isn’t until 4 PM.

Text more people? It always differs.

#survey #surveys

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lovemesomesurveys · 4 years

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1. What would you like to say to the FIRST person you kissed this year? I haven’t kissed anyone this year thus far. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

2. What is the last reason you cried? Frustrations. 3. Where is your cell phone? On my bed next to me.

4. What was the worst mistake of your life? Neglecting certain things and not taking better care of myself.

5. Did you like NSYNC or Backstreet Boys? I like both.

6. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera? Both. 8. Where did you sleep last night? In my bed.

9. What time did you go to sleep last night? I first fell asleep around 6AM, but I woke up close to 9, fell back asleep until like 1030, fell back asleep again until noon, and then slept until 530PM. Sigh.

10. What woke you up today? My body and then my alarms. 11. What is one thing you wish people didn't do? Be rude.

12. Are you excited for the future? No, the future scares me.

13. Your ex shows up randomly at your house, you say? I wouldn’t say anything. I’m quite positive that will never happen, thankfully.

14. Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend, you say? I’m single, but in this hypothetical situation that would mean they cheated on me with my mom and I know that would never happen.

15. Do you have any weird inside jokes? Yeah, with my mom and brother.

16. Liquor or Beer? Neither.

18. When was the last time someone yelled at you? I don’t recall.

19. I am _________ . Hungry.

21. Have you ever tried to break someone up? No.

22. When is the last time you talked to your best friend? Last night before she went to bed.

23. Have you done anything you regret this year so far? Yes.

24. Where is your best friend? In her room, asleep.

27. Who was the last person to make you laugh? My mom.

28. Anything annoying you right now? Not at this current moment.

29. Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now? Meh, I just feel crappy but what’s new.

30. Who has your heart? Preeeetty sure I do.

32. Have you done anything embarrassing lately? my existence is an embarrassment. really. <<<

33. Do people make fun of your nationality? No one has to my face.

34. Do you eat more than you should? No, I don’t eat enough.

35. Do you smoke? No.

36. Who's the last person of the opposite sex to hug you? My dad.

37. Last time you shoplifted? I only did that once. I was a kid and didn’t know the big candy barrels at the grocery store weren’t free for the taking. Whoops.

38. What will you name your future son? I’m not having children.

39. What will you name your future daughter? --

41. What is your favorite number? 8.

42. What gets you happy? Things like good books, good shows, good movies, my family, my doggo, vacations, the holidays, coffee, and enjoying my food bring me joy.

43. Where were you at 11:45 pm Last Night? Here in bed watching TV.

44. Is the person you like older or younger than you? I don’t like anyone in that way currently.

45. Ever talked to someone that was high? Yeah.

46. How tall is the person you like? Shorter or taller? --

47. Did you have a dream last night? Yeah. Of course I don’t remember it, though.

48. Last comment you left someone? I don’t recall.

49. Do you have a Facebook? Yes.

50. What do you think about the last person that you stole this from? She takes good surveys and has given me a ton to “steal” on her LJ.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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canaryatlaw · 4 years

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well today was better than yesterday I guess. less crying, though I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I woke up at like noon or so and had a bagel which was enjoyable, and everything kind of stewed for a while there. I managed to sneak enough time to watch this week’s Batwoman episode on my laptop with earbuds in because I definitely couldn’t watch it anywhere anyone else could see it. I liked it, the beginning was fucking heartbreaking, and then some really good scenes throughout it, and props to them for making Kate actually have to deal with her trauma and ptsd from the choices she’s made, so I enjoyed that. I think making the choice for Mouse and Alice to stay in Arkham and rise up there instead of breaking out was highly interesting as well, and I’m excited to see where they go from there, so definite props to the show for making at least some good choices. the rest of the day was pretty slow, a million people keep bringing us food so we ended up having dinner outside on the patio and god my brain keeps betraying me when I was thinking to type just now that we all had dinner on the patio my brain was like “well it wasn’t all of us because we were waiting for Dad to come home” like barely as a subconscious thought and then there’s a stab in my gut when I remember he’s not coming home, this is it, this is my family forever. 5 people now, not 6. and all of that is just really hard to deal with. but anyways. we were talking about handling financial stuff and how to deal with the law office, because in order to own a law office you have to be a lawyer licensed in that state, so you can only inherit one under those conditions, which my mom who would be the first choice doesn’t meet, my older brother does but he’s also currently employed as an ADA and he can’t own what is essentially a defense firm and at the same time be employed by the government as a prosecutor, so he would have to leave his job and take over the firm, which was always going to be the plan somewhere down the road, we just didn’t expect it to happen now. so he has to figure out what he wants to do on that. the other options were like installing another lawyer we trust to run the practice while keeping them on a fairly short leash, or to sell it or combine in with another practice, and when we got to that point in the conversation my mom started crying and saying that is never what Dad would’ve wanted, and he spent so much time building up the practice and all the good will he has with people she doesn’t want to see it just sold off, so we of course comforted her and said ofc we’d never do anything that Dad wouldn’t have wanted. it’s an odd dynamic, dealing with this stuff with my mom, because of course she’s still the parent in the situation, but both my brother and I are lawyers who know the technicalities of it much better than she does, and I don’t want it to be like we’re being patronizing or making decisions for her when that shouldn’t be happening. she’s stressed because of the life insurance apparently not being what we thought it was, but we’re still looking at that, so it’s basically all a big stressful mess. we were also going to have the small family only funeral at the end of this week but ended up postponing it till next week because our pastor’s mother who’s in her 90s just got tested and they don’t know what’s up yet so we’re just wanting to be extra careful on that. what I’m supposed to do with my life until then is anybody’s guess. It’s only been two days so I guess there is still plenty of time to do it, but I’m surprised we haven’t gotten word of the courts suspending cases for another 2 weeks to a month based on the stay at home order being extended to May 30th, so part of me thinks they might just be going “fuck it” and opening them on May 18th as planned right now. if that happened that would probably put me at staying her for like 2 1/2 more weeks and then going back, and I’m just really not sure what I want here, I mean without work I don’t have any real pressing reason to go back to Chi, and my family obviously wants me here as long as possible, but I’m just not sure that’s going to end up being a good choice for me because I feel like I need time to process and grieve on my own because living here with them is not my life and it’s not what I’m supposed to be adjusting to, so I feel like staying here for an extended period of time might not be the right answer, but at the same time with things how they are for now at least I can’t really just tell my family that I’m ditching to go back to Chi when I have no job responsibilities when we’re all still trying to figure this stuff out here. so yeah, it’s a lot to think about and some big decisions to be made, but I guess we’ll see how things work out. sigh. anyway. after dinner I sat with my mom a bit watching hgtv shows as she likes them and then at 9 pm watched the new Legends episode (which actually having to wait until 9 pm for was such an offense), which was of course rightly hilarious and perfect in just so many ways. I know there’s been a lot of back and forth on what is the best format for the show (silly vs dramatic, supernatural vs reality, etc.) but I will say I’ve really enjoyed this season so far. of course that’s partially hampered by my anger/sadness about Ray and Nora leaving (because FUCK PHIL KLEMMER) but they’ve had consistently good performances by everyone else (especially for Zari, fuck Tala is so ridiculously talented and is hands down the best actress on the show, and that’s coming from a die hard white canary fan. she just blows every single scene out of the water and it’s insane to see). I was curious as to why Sara got sidelined tonight, being that she is my favorite character ofc, and in the past when she’s been sidelined there’d been a story reason for it or an IRL reason for it, but I couldn’t really find one here?? It just kinda seemed like the writers went “meh” and didn’t want to write a story arc for her so they just shuffled her to the side. and like I’m sure they’ll use it going forward for the whole Sara developing her superpower thing, but it definitely wasn’t necessary. oh well. after the episode the news was on for a bit and then we switched over to family feud which was fucking ridiculous, and at some point just ended up talking to my brother about things, especially what had gone down on Saturday since I wasn’t here to see it all. and like, yeah it’s stuff I want to know, but it’s all just so heartbreaking because it doesn’t make any sense, he was doing so well and then out of nowhere he was just gone, and I’m having trouble grasping how it all just happened so fast. and as much as my brother annoys the shit out of me sometimes (which he does, a lot) I think he is going to be very helpful going forward and figuring all of this out. he’s always been a total asshole about money, even when it wasn’t his money, so I’m slightly concerned about that, but so far it’s been good so I’m just praying that remains the case. and yeah, a bit after that I headed upstairs, showered, and started getting ready for bed, and now I’m here and it’s almost 1 am and it’s not like I have any reason to wake up early but I should still probably be getting to sleep, so I’m going to do that now. Goodnight loves. Hope your day was a good one.

#daily journal #April 2020 #worst month of my life

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baudo2-blog · 4 years

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Nothing but time

Today is Saturday April 4, and shockingly, I woke up determined to be productive. I had a football workout at 9 am in Carol Stream so we had to leave by 7:30. I won’t like, the workout was very tiring. We ran and threw for two hours straight, and it may not seem tiring but it is. When I got home, it was around 12 noon and I did not want to do anything at all. I went upstairs, played a little bit of video games and that was it, I didn’t even have energy for video games. I went back onto the second floor and laid on my bed, feeling like a huge puffy cloud at the time because I was so tired. I fell asleep at 12:30 and I woke back up at 5:30 pm and I couldn’t have been happier. I didn’t have anything to do and it felt amazing. I tried to dig deep and find the energy to do homework or do another workout, but I just simply could not. After sitting around for an hour or two, I decided that I was going to read a book and ended up reading a book about Derek Jeter, my favorite athlete of all time and it really put into perspective what I’m going to have to do to succeed at what I want to do in life. I realized that nothing is going to come easy anymore and it’s gonna need to be earned by hard work and dedication, and at this point I’m all for it.

#life2020

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sweetlittlevampire · 5 years

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I am so effing livid it’s unreal.

(This is going to be very long, so I’ll put a Read More somewhere in here. Sorry about the length; i just need to get this out of my system.)

So Mrs Bosswoman went on holidays today. She’s been working on the company newspaper that’s being published four times a year. It has tiny fun articles about all the things we do, including press conferences and sucheries.

We did have such a press conference yesterday. Since I, as Communications Officer, have to prepare the press kits before the press conferences so they can be proofread, corrected, and send to the people in charge for approval, she had already all of the info she needed to write her article - which she did.

The only things she needed were two photographs and a line of text describing what’s going on in each photograph, which I would have been happy to provide. It’s my job.

Only that said press conference was at 3 PM. I officially work until 5 PM, and it takes us about 45 to 55 minutes, depending on traffic, to get from the office building to the place where the conference was being held yesterday.

She was like: “I’m officially on leave starting the 13th, but I’ll be home until noon, and I’ll be checking what you wrote so I can submit it to the graphic designer.”

Me: “Okay, so...I’ll be at the office on Friday morning before 8 AM, and I’ll need about half an hour to import the pictures, run them through Photoshop to adjust the brightness and saturation for print, and write the text, so I should be done with it on Friday before 8:30 AM. Would that work?”

She: “No, I’d prefer it if you could do it on Thursday, after the press conference.”

Me: “...okay, but I’ll risk missing my bus home. You know it comes only once an hour, and the building closes at 05:30 PM?”

(Bus comes at 04:21 PM, next one at 05:21 PM, next at 06:21 pm, and so on.)

She: “I’m sure you’ll be fine. I’m just asking because our graphic designer has time on Thursday evening but not on Friday, and we’re already running late with the newspaper. Plus I want you to contact the printing house on Monday before noon so they can send in their price estimate the following day.”

So I did stay longer to work on this. I did miss my bus, and I did have to wait almost an entire hour in the cold and rain (because OF COURSE it started to rain after, like, 20 minutes). Got home super late, only to have dinner, change, and go to bed. No time for anything else - not even a bit of reading - since I had to be up at 6 Am this morning.

So far, so good.

I get here, at 07:43 AM, check my e-mails - Mrs Bosswoman confirms that she got my mail and reviewed my work from the evening before, and gives me the graphic designer’s e-mail address so i can work with her on getting this newspaper done while mrs Bosswoman is away.

1. I e-mailed said graphic designer. Turns out it would have been perfectly fine to send her everything on Friday (so today), and she would have set up the thing either on the week-end or on Monday morning, since she basically had the whole paper already set up and just needed to insert the two pictures and the four lines of text. I would have had it all on Monday around 9 AM, with enough time to contact the printing house to apply for the estimate. Apparently she told Mrs Bosswoman all of the above, but she was like “I prefer it that way”, which translates to “I don’t trust her one second with what she’s doing and need to have control over everything.” (She does that with every employee, not just with me.)

2. I checked what I wrote yesterday, just to see whether Mrs Bosswoman corrected any typoes or the like. I based my writing off her own writing style so it wouldn’t clash with the rest of the artcle too much. Which worked absolutely fine before. She. Changed. E V E R Y T H I N G . Like, she swapped out all of the photographs (except for the group photo because there was only one available), and rewrote all of the texts. Still containing the same information, but written completely differently. It must have taken her just as long as it took me to write the whole thing and to edit the pictures she selected - I took those photographs myself. I could see that they had been edited, and I’m faster at Photoshop than she is.

Which essentially means: I could have easily written her an e-mail containing the folder with all of the photographs and the list of people who attended yesterday, just in time to still get my bus, and she could have easily done it all by herself. With no trouble at all. The time stamp on her e-mail was 06:42 am - I know from people who have worked here for a while that she’s usually up that early. Which means she redid all of that tuff either yesterday evening, or even this morning. Which, again, means I could have done it this morning, and she would still have had plenty of time to edit the whole thing, since she’s leaving at noon.

But nooooo. Instead I went home freezing and tired and woke up with a headache that still hasn’t cleared, and it’s just after 11 AM now. If I get ill because of this mess I swear I won’t hold back. Our secretary (my girlfriend’s aunt) is just as angry.

i just wanna go home and lay down so i can get this cold out of my bones, but I have an eight-hour day - which I am already cutting down to a seven-hour day because I worked overtime for an hour yesterday, and that was before I got back here to write and edit the stuff for Mrs Bosswoman. I am seriously thinking about checking if I have any overtime left so I can cut it down to six hours, which I legally have to do, or I’d have to turn it into a sick leave and turn in a doctor’s notice, which I don’t need (yet).

I really hope my mood will brighten today, because if not, I’m 95% sure I’ll strangle someone before 3 PM.

#Sweet is rambling #Office Life #this just makes me incredibly mad

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tayloralison · 5 years

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hey, elena! self harm anon from weeks ago lol how are you? you asked for updates so here's some updates. I don't want to bring you down, I saw you didn't wake up quite okay :( last monday i relapsed again, but it's fine. on saturday, i felt triggered bc of something really stupid and i took 5 anxiety pills, who are supposed to like calm you down, but not sleep, but since i took 5 of them, i fell asleep almost immediately. i slept from 6 pm on saturday until maybe noon on sunday so like 12 /1

[hours or so. i woke up very much grogue and i ate, but my parents saw i was really fucked up. even tho i was fucked up, i was still feeling pretty much like a piece of shit, so i took half a sleeping pill and 3 anxiety pills. now i don't really remember which time i took them honestly, it was a blur. i tried to throw up those pills, but it didn't work. i was partially awake and i really have almost to no memories of what i was doing. i slept again and woke up again around 10 pm so /2]

[more 8/10 hours of sleep. i answered everyone who was worried about me and went to bed again. woke up today at 8 am. i really don't know what happened, i just needed to punish me. i googled first how much i could actually take without dying or overdosing and it was far from it, so i took them, but like in middle of it i felt bad and tried to throw up and couldn't. i don't think i've ever done anything like this to myself before like actually taking 9 pills and sleeping two days. i'm kinda scared]

hey! noo don’t worry about me ♡♡ thank you for coming back to update me!

you’re so strong tbh i can easily tell that. i’m so sorry you’re going though this. please, please eat and drink healthy - which both will benefit your body and mind. and also make sure you’re exercising, especially since you’ve been sleeping a lot! i know the last time we spoke, you said you were very stressed about finals and your future. how did/is that going?

i really recommend talking to a professional or an adult you trust in your life. even if you think you don’t need to, please do. there’s truly nothing wrong with wanting help and i really want you to be on your way to recovery! ily, ok? you deserve to feel happy and joyful and i knOW you will one day!! 💕💕

#self harm tw #anonymous #asks

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undindjarin-archive · 6 years

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❤️

i love u

If there’s one thing Bucky hates more than watching and worrying over Steve being sick. Its admitting he’s sick and needs attention.

Especially when it reaches the point of being obvious because Bucky doesn’t take it easy when he starts to feel awful until he’s as sick as a dog.

Today was one of those days.

Bucky could tell he was going to have trouble hiding it from Steve the moment he woke up, already having to breath through his mouth and sweating through his shirt. “Oh god…” barely escapes past his lips as his voice cracks, his throat burning.

Sitting up in his bed, reaching over for his phone and checking the time, his stomach drops at the time: 10:47 am. If he had wanted to have a fighting chance at saying he wasn’t sick, it had gone out the window by checking the time. Steve’s usually up at the butt crack of dawn, but Bucky doesn’t usually waste a day in bed, not unless they both do it together.

Letting out a soft sigh and dropping his phone back down, he rubs his face as he climbs out of bed, a throbbing headache ensuing as he gets to his feet. Taking a moment to steady himself, he takes in a breath before heading for the bathroom.

At the very least maybe a shower would make him feel somewhat better.

Heading out into the hall and listening for Steve, a frown forms on his face as only silence reaches his ears. He wasn’t in their room with him, and as he checks the kitchen first, he finds a note waiting for him on the fridge.

☆ Buck,

Went on a morning run with Sam before heading over to the children’s hospital for the day, take care and I’ll see you tonight for dinner.

Love,

Steve ♡

Another sigh releasing tension Bucky wasn’t even aware he was holding, he lays the note down on the counter before heading back to take a shower like he’d originally planned. At the very least he didn’t see why it was such a big deal to meet Steve for dinner, but he could worry about that later.

However taking a shower probably wasn’t his best idea. Standing in a bathroom full of steam, already feeling dizzy and congested, where it didn’t even help clear his head, but perhaps made it worse.

By the time he was out of the shower and dressed in sweats, it was already nearing noon. Had he really been that out of it that he’d spent nearly an hour in the shower? Well, he wouldn’t put it past him. At least Steve wasn’t there to see him stumbling through the day when he’d rather climb back into bed.

Hell, he might just do that until tonight after he eats something, just to have something in his stomach. Heading back towards the kitchen, looking through the fridge, the pantry, even the cabinets and finding nothing appetizing, or even thinking he could keep down. Groaning as he searches through the last set of cabinets, his eyes catch the box of cereal stuffed in the back of it.

Reaching back and grabbing the box of sugary cereal, he pulls it out to find his eyes tearing up and lips pouting. Good lord, why was he such a baby when he was sick and alone, and yet still didn’t want Steve there to take care of him. However, at the very least, the cereal pulls at his heart strings, he knows that Steve doesn’t love overy sugar things, not all the time at least.

Taking the box of cereal and heading to settle into the couch, he wraps a blanket around his shoulders as he turns the tv on. Opening the box of cereal and turning it to a movie, one he doesn’t even make it back from the commercial break from as he’s already drifting off to sleep once more, even the 11 hours he slept last night not being enough to keep up with how exhausted he really is.

Flinching at the knocking on the door, Bucky groans as he rolls onto his side, pulling the blanket up more around him and knocking the abandoned box of cereal on the floor. “Go avay, Steeb!” he mutters tiredly, only on the edge of consciousness before where he is hits him. Shooting up and everything going black for a moment, he squints in the dark towards the clock to find it nearing 9 pm.

Shit. He had missed going to dinner with Steve.

Turning towards the door as it was being unlocked, a frown was already forming on his face as Steve walked through the door, all done up in a suit…. Was today something more than Bucky had realized?

“Bucky, I thought we were going to meet at 7-” Steve pauses on his way in, taking in the sight of Bucky. And one look was all it took for pity to form in his eyes and his whole demeanor changing.

Not having any of that, Bucky takes a pillow from the couch and flings it at him. “What? What aboub it Steeb?” Even the huff didn’t sound as threatening as Bucky hoped, now only earning a chuckle instead of a pitiful look.

“Oh, baby. Hey, why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” Steve asks as he takes the hit of the pillow, taking off his shoes and closing the door behind him. Watching as he heads over to the couch and sits at the other end of it, calming oceans stare at him as the fight quickly deflates from Bucky’s shoulders.

“I’b not sick.” However the answer was accompanied by a cough, and that by no means helped prove his point of not being sick. If anything, it only made Steve look at him with all the more love in his gaze.

“Sweetheart, you could have told me, we can reschedule our anniversary dinner, it’s no- Bucky?” The immediate shift in Steve’s tone, the way he scoots closer and is immediately cupping his cheek, a worried frown pulling at his face. Bucky hates it.

What he hates more though, is himself. He had missed their anniversary dinner. One Bucky had been looking forward to for weeks and had done most of the planning himself. Goddamn him. Goddamn being sick. Goddamn the tears filling his eyes and falling down his cheeks.

“I- I’b so sorry, Stevie,” his voice cracks on the very first syllable and then the tears fall harder. All he had wanted was to treat his best guy right. He couldn’t even do that right. Hell, now he’s the one sick after all the times in the past, before Steve was given the serum. He had planned a whole night, more than just dinner, and now he’d messed it up and missed it, all because he was feeling just a little under the weather. A sob catching in his throat, he shakes his head before lowering it on Steve’s shoulder as he guides his head down, pulling him into his arms.

“I’m so sorry… I just, I’m sorry.” Bucky can’t utter out more than an apology, a weak one at that.

However, Steve doesn’t seem to think he needs one. “Bucky, hey, it’s okay, shhh. I don’t need any fancy dinner, or night out, or anything special to know that you love me. All I need is you. Because you’re the thing that makes me happy, Buck. You. Nothing else.”

Going to mutter out another apology, it gets caught in his throat as Steve presses the back of his hand to Bucky’s forehead. Wiping hair out of his face, Steve presses a soft kiss to where his hand had been. “You’re burning up, let’s get you to bed.”

Guilt still clawing at his chest, Bucky shakes his head, a sputtered breath escaping past his lips. “Stevie, please-” that’s as far as he gets before Steve is shushing him softly.

Lifting his chin so they’re eye level, Steve puts a hand to the back of Bucky’s neck, massaging gently. “I’m going to take care of you, okay?” Waiting for Bucky to speak now, he gets no answer more than looking towards Steve’s arms, exhaustion lingering in his eyes.

Opening his arms up to him and letting Bucky fling himself into them, he holds him close and pulls the blanket back over his shoulders, letting him get the rest of his tears out.

Lord only knows how many times Bucky has let himself fall apart in front of Steve.

“Just let me take care of you, Buck. You’re okay. I love you so much sweetheart.” Running a hand up and down his back, placing a kiss to his hair, Steve holds him close. Bucky does nothing more than bury his head into the crook of Steve’s neck, letting himself be held.

At the very least until he calms down enough and is nearly passed out in his arms.

Gently guiding him back against the couch, startling him awake, Steve gently cups his cheek. “Hey, you’re okay. I’m going to get you some socks, have you eaten anything today?”

Taking a moment to let what Steve had said sink in, Bucky shakes his head before glancing to the floor where the box of cereal had fallen. Following his gaze, Steve picks it up before standing, “I’ll make you some soup, you stay put.”

Watching Steve head off down the hall before returning with a pair of fuzzy socks to put on his feet, a blush fills his cheeks, not that one could tell, he was already burning up, and a light grin settles upon his lips.

Wiggling his toes before Steve heads off to the kitchen, he settles back into the couch, listening as Steve works.

It’s not even ten minutes later when Steve returns to the couch, bowl of soup in hand, to find Bucky out cold once more.

Placing the soup on the coffee table and settling on the couch beside him, he pulls Bucky back into his arms. Letting him adjust and snuggle against him. “My, steebie…” A soft smile pulling up on Steve’s face, he pulls the blanket around Bucky more and brushes his hair out of his face once more. Pressing a light kiss to his hair, gently rubbing his back, Steve couldn’t imagine spending his evening any other way.

Especially with the way Bucky wraps his whole body around his as if he was a koala, a small grin on his face. If snuggling up to Steve helped alleviate his pain, then by all means Steve would stay and never move again.

Bucky had done so much for him when he was sick, hell, Steve had been a nightmare. But that never stopped Bucky from caring for him.

“You and me. We’re together ‘till the end of the line, pal.” pressing a final kiss to Bucky’s temple, leaning back into the couch, it’s not long before he’s asleep too. There isn’t anywhere Steve would rather be, because home to him isn’t a place. It’s a person. Bucky has always been, and always will be his home.

#it's not much and it's not the greatest but i love u gina #there'll be more i promise #but here's just the first part i promised you #sick!bucky #stevebucky #stevebucky fic #ky writes #my writing #*mine #cap tag #spacebuck #ky's got mail!#q

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nicholsbrooke-blog · 6 years

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Social Media Experiment

Routine/trends:

When I wake up, the first thing I do is look at my phone. I check what time it is, if I received any messages, and update my Fitbit app to see how I slept the night before. In the past, my next usual step would then be to check and scroll down all my different social media sites for at least on hour (on accident) before getting out bed. I realized this was a really big issue so for the new year, I decided to fast Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat for three weeks. The apps I use mostly now are different messaging/communicating apps to make sure I’m still able to stay in the loop and that people can get a hold of me. Instead of checking my social media apps when I’m bored, I find myself constantly checking and opening the communication apps to make sure I didn’t miss a notification. The difference is that now I check back into reality faster because I can’t mindlessly scroll through text messages or other message apps seeing new information. What’s there is there and that’s it. So because I already don’t have any social media apps on my phone, I decided to go without my phone completely for 24 hours. On this day I had a couple meetings and some that were in the process of being rescheduled so I decided that I would take two short breaks to check the status of the meetings before going and waiting. My phone break started at 10 am.

10 AM: I texted everyone who might need to know that I wasn’t going to be available for the rest of the day. I woke up, got ready, and went to go work out. Usually I listen to Spotify while driving but I couldn’t find a station I liked so I just drove in silence to and from the SAC since I didn’t have my phone. This wasn’t a total inconvenience since I only live a couple minutes away.

11 AM: I worked out for an hour and wasn’t impacted by not having my phone because I don’t use my phone when I work out.

12 PM: I got home and wanted to take a shower. Usually I listen to music while in the shower, but today I couldn’t. I tried for about 20 minutes to figure out how to set up my laptop to be able to play music off my speaker, and once I thought I finally got everything figured out, my laptop froze and stopped working. Needless to say I took a quiet shower.

1 PM: After my shower, I made lunch and got ready for the day. There were plenty of moments when I had a thought I wanted to tell someone, or a question I wanted to ask a certain person and I couldn’t. It was a little frustrating not being able to text them right away and get the information I wanted THAT moment, but I resisted the urge to turn my phone back on.

2 PM: This was the time I designated to take a short break. I decided to use it to tune my Ukulele since I couldn’t find any tuners on the internet that would pick up the sound and tell me if a note was flat or sharp like an app I have does. After looking at a couple people’s replies to my messages, I turned my phone off again and began practicing my Ukulele. I practiced for about 30 minutes then decided to do some homework.

3-4:30 PM: For almost 2 hours I did homework and it was great! Usually it takes me a little while to get motivated and in the zone to pump out homework, but once I do someone always texts me, or a friend catches my attention and then I have to start all over again. This time, I started my homework, was able to focus in more quickly and was able to stay engaged for the entire time until it was time to stop. I didn’t have any distractions, I wasn’t on my phone for half of the time, it was just really nice. I felt very accomplished after I was done.

4:30 PM: My roommate came into my room and we talked for a while without any interruptions with our phones. We were going to dinner soon and were deciding where we wanted to go.

5:30-7 PM: All of my roommates and I went to dinner and met up with some friends. We sat and talked, caught up with each other, and laughed together. It was so nice to have a meal with friends without technology being in the way of our communication. To my surprise, no one used their phone for the entire meal. Everyone stayed engaged and in the moment.

7 PM: At 7 I had an hour meeting. Everything ran as usual.

8 PM: I finally found a station I liked so I was able to drive home while listening to music. This was also the second time I designated to turning my phone on again to check in, but I decided that I didn’t want to do that. So I stayed home for an hour relaxing, and talking with my roommate.

9 PM: My roommate and I went to Cru and I forgot a paper and pen to write with. Usually I just bring my phone and if they say something I want to remember, I type it out then record it in a journal after the service. But because I didn’t have my phone, I wasn’t able to do that and I missed a couple really key points that I wanted to remember. The good thing about missing my phone though was that I wasn’t able to get distracted. Sometimes I have a bad habit of checking my phone because I want to see what time it is, which then leads to me looking through all of my notifications on the home screen and not paying attention to the speaker. This time I was fully invested in the message and was able to soak up everything the speaker was saying.

10 PM: After Cru we went home and I decided I wanted to read a little bit before going to bed. I was super tired, but was able to read for about 30 mins, then checked my phone, turned it back off, and went to bed.

The next morning I didn’t have class until noon so I wasn’t worried about setting an alarm and waking up at a certain time.

In participating in this experiment, I learned a lot from this experience. It felt really freeing to be able to live without my phone for a whole day. I wasn’t worried about who was trying to get a hold of me, I wasn’t able to use it as a distraction so I had more time, and I was finally able to truly relax. I thought I was going to be way more attached to my phone and that it was going to make me anxious not having access to it all day, but after the first couple hours I was completely fine. I enjoyed not having my phone on me. While doing this experiment, I was more aware of how other people used their phones and how often conversations were interrupted by them. It’s a new goal of mine that I will continually do this experiment throughout the year, at least a couple more times. If maybe not for a whole day, I want to do this again for at least half of a day and give myself some time to truly unplug from the world. In the end, I feel super lucky to have been given the opportunity to reflect on my dependence on my phone and hope that this continues to change my outlook on social media in my near and distant future.

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fightingorcavingintodepression · 6 years

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1/16/17 5:17 pm

I had my first panic attack I've had in a long time. I've gotten so bad at work my manager called me at 10AM and left a voicemail. I called him back and said I had a Doctors appointment and forgot to send out an email to the team. I hate lying, but i can’t realistically say I'm suicidal and won't even get out of bed every morning.

I ran to the bathroom and started dry-heaving for a good 2-3 minutes. Then I laid down on my bed and felt like crying, and then Stayed there for nearly another hour.

Kill me.

1/20/17

I'm eating lunch by myself at 3:06 on Friday. I've only hit myself a few times today. I ordered and shipped a present to Shara and it should get there tomorI'mrow, but today is her birthday. I deleted my Facebook and haven't been posting on tumblr, so I'm avoiding everything. I feel guilty and don't know what to do. I'm going to stop typing because I'm tearing up in the restaurant. I'm pushing all of my friends away. I saw Selina last weekend and it was so awkward. I can't even hang out with my best friend without it being awkward. I want to kill myself.

Please let me die in an accident.

10:56 pm I want to keep hitting myself until I don't wake up.

1/25/17 Wednesday 11:39pm

I'm at McDonald's getting a milkshake and food. I've "worked" from home the past three days because I don't wake up till 9 or 10. That's a lie, I'll wake up and hit snooze, but won't force myself into up. On Monday I stayed online till 11:30 and then said o had a doctors appointment and was gong to wfh the rest of the day, but the last two days I haven't even sent anything out. I deserve to get fired. My depression is destroying me.

1/26/17 Thursday 2:30pm

I woke up late at 8:50ish and got online. Did the scheduled work for Austin and once that was finished, drove into the office and got in at about 10:30 (I think). I ate lunch at my desk and I've gone back and forth to the bathroom and just sat. Only work I've done today is finally send an email I've needed to for weeks. Mom asked me to call her at lunch and I finally said I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. I told her I'd decide on a weekend and give her a call tonight, but I'm not sure I can. It's now 2:48. I've been in the bathroom almost 20 minutes.

2/16 4:29pm

I woke up at 3:30 am and stayed awake, but then fell asleep and didn't get online from home until about 9:40. Came into the office about 12:40. I've done maybe an hours worth of work. I really hate myself. When driving into work nearly had an accident from someone driving recklessly and me not just letting them pass me. They cut to my right into a lane for cars getting on and drove on the side of the road to pass me since I didn't slow down. The driver even had people (possibly kids) in the back of their car. I hate myself, but that person as well if they can justify that type of driving that also may harm their own kids, let alone other people. I started yelling again in my car...it's getting worse.

I hit myself again this morning in the shower.

2/17 12:18am

I can see myself committing suicide within the next year. Depending if I don't get better, maybe not till after my parents pass.

2/20 12:33pm

I didn't get up again today (Monday) until 9:50 and log online. Then finally came in to the office about 10 minutes ago. Off to a bad start of the week. I should be fired. I did "clean" a good portion of my apartment yesterday because at&t suppose to be coming this week. It's still a terrible mess, but you can finally see the floor now. Next is the kitchen.

1:04pm - eating lunch by myself at wich which. Postponing going back to the office. Not sure if taking these notes is beneficial, or even a smart idea (hint, it's not)

2/21 12:31pm

Late again. Thinking of working from home tomorrow. Getting worse. Really worse. Spent too much money yesterday on gifts I'll probably never give.

2/24 11:52am

It's my birthday. Today hasn't been a bad day.

2/28 12:15 pm

In training. Feeling useless. My back is also killing me. Have my APA later today. Guess I'll find out how badly I'm doing or if we'll just pretend I'm doing fine when it's obvious I'm not. Not likely I'll get fired since I'm an ITA, but don't know. Just haven't been given a warning or anything

3/13 12:48pm

I'd been doing okay for a little while. Starting to get worse again. Started saying things again. Didn't wake up for work till 9ish. Didn't get in till 11ish. Need to stop. Want to hurt myself. Want to kill myself. Fighting it. Still doing bad. In the bathroom wanting to hit myself. Shara texted about doing stuff this weekend, and I almost want to back out. I'm suppose to do Aerials with gabby tonight, but want to use my weight as an excuse and say I'm over their limit (which may actually be true, but their website doesn't say and no one picked up when I called), or that I don't have the right clothes, or I'm having a panic attack (probably closest to being honest). And one of the other things that's bugging me in the back of my head today I'm hating myself most of all for it even bothering me.

3/20 4:39am

Mild depression acting up. Want to "call/email" out of work. Smacking myself a bit the past day

3/22 6:14pm

Didn't go into work today and haven't done any work so far. Needing to get a report and presentation done before tomorrow. Depression has been really bad this week. Sleep is getting off. Whispering harmful things to myself and hitting myself more often.

3/24 10:44am

I want to hurt myself. I'm doing really badly this week. No point even coming into work. Can tell I'm being replaced in all areas. Went to lunch with people. Faked it. Now I'm back at the office (2:04pm) and hiding in the bathroom. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. I want to pass out.

I want to die.

3/25 5:02pm

Doing bad today too. Didn't get up till noon. Went to the park to walk, but had negative thoughts the entire time and it didn't help. Convinced myself to go out to dinner at Las Margaritas that I normally get take out from. I plan to make myself sit in the living room when I get home to get out of my bedroom/bed. It feels pathetic, but right now the smallest things feel like an achievement.

3/27 1:41am

I want to kill myself. I just want it to end. I don't want to hurt my family though. I wish I could make them forget i existed so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.

3:06am still lying awake on the couch. The longer I stay awake, the longer I postpone till tomorrow comes.....or that's how it feels. Ready to kill myself.

3/30 8pm

I now weigh 245 pounds. I write this as I sit in line at chick fil-a getting a meal for two people and a milkshake

3/31 6:38

Deleted all of my social media. Specifically tumblr, which I can't reactive. Gone forever.

4/6 1:12pm

Was doing better for a bit because work was busy enough to distract me. Getting too busy now. Think I overheard two people saying they don't want to work with me, and storage team disregards my existence. It's a new feeling when I feel like I'm doing some good work, but know I'm also doing terrible in other areas and people no longer want to work with me. Hitting hard and really want to hurt myself again. I need to make some life choices before I end up committing suicide.

4/7 1:36pm

It might be good to just quit before June. If I sold everything I had, I could pay off all my debt. I'd be left with nothing, but wouldn't leave anything for people to worry about.

4/17 10:21am

So overwhelmed.

4/19 9:08am

Sitting on toilet at home. So overwhelmed at work. Can't get anything done and nothing is going right.

6/1 11:02am Thursday

Hadn't been in the office in almost a week. Had Friday off and Monday for Memorial Day, but lied and said Tom had knee surgery on Tuesday and then wfh on Wednesday. Getting bad again. Realized I hadn't been writing in here for a month and a half. Not sure if that's a good win or not, since I mostly only remember to when I'm getting bad again.

6/25 2:15am

Depression getting bad again. Suicide would be nice. Just want it all to end. If I could sleep for a year, I'd take it.

6/27 12:40pm

Didn't go into work until almost 11 yesterday. Working from home today. Can't even answer a phone call. Have a meeting at 2 and then will probably shower as unavailable the rest of the day.

6/28 3:06pm

Woke up at 5 and still didn't go into work today. Stayed showing as away all day and said I had issues with Skype and car issues

7/14 12:50pm

JB texted me asking if I was off. I should just kill myself. Lying through my teeth. His pa

7/18 3:28am Tuesday

I want to die in an accident so no one I care about thinks it was a suicide.

7/20 1:59pm

Didn't go into work until 12 today. While I was in the shower, my phone range and I just started cursing thinking it was my manager. Already had my lie made up going to say my car stalled this morning coming into work. Didn't have my phone (which is why I didn't pick up if it was them), but luckily a cop pulled over and called a tow truck....

Haven't had to use my lie yet, but going to use parts of it tonight to get out of going to a coworkers house for game night.

I really hate myself.

I need to call in my medicine to see if they'll prescribe it again, even if it doesn't seem like it's helping.

7/31 9:04pm

In line at Taco Bell. Didn't go into work today or Friday. Meant to send an email saying I was taking my mom to doctors and would be back Tuesday, but overslept and didn't bother. Don't want to go in tomorrow either. I haven't been replying to Shara and I feel terrible, but I'm not in a good place either. Hadn't been replying to family until Mom called worried and acted like I just forgot to hit send on some texts. It's easier to act like nothing is wrong with people who don't know I'm not good mentally. I saw a post on Tumblr that describe what I'm feeling. I'm pushing people away so it's easier when I want to kill myself.

9/5 11:42am

Moved to new apartment. Enjoying it so far. Had a 5 day weekend from labor/took Thursday and Friday off to move. 1st day back at work and already feeling overwhelmed and counting down till 4:30. Kill myself creeping inside my head again.

9/21 10:02am

Want to die. Want to die. I just really want to die. Kill myself. Kill myself. I'm so tempted to kill myself. I'd make it look like an accident so not to hurt my family. But I need to find homes for Yen and Shani, or plan accordingly. Could drop them at a shelter, but include some cash to help care for them (1k?). Then someone who is a good person, but just had money trouble would take them. I'm not sure I'll live 15+ years to outlive them. I take that back; I know I won't. I don't even know sometimes if I'll make it to tomorrow. I'm not actually making any attempts or plans to do it, but every time I walk in to work or leave, I hope a car hits me. Kill me kill me I just want to die.

10/18 9:52am

Overslept and didn't go into work today. "Working" from home online. Depression episode kicking in again. I just want to die.

10/31 Tuesday 12:02pm

Didn't get into work until 11 today. Called into the 8:30 conference and answered some emails to appear like I was working, but hardly got out of bed. ~Read back through some of these notes just now and now I've got in the back of my head the idea of starting to hit myself again. I know this is a downward slope, but really want to go to the bathroom stall and do it anyways just so I don't feel numb. It's lunchtime, so no one should be there to hear it. ~~I ended up going to get rubber bands and paper clips instead. Still hit myself s few times, but people kept coming into the restroom while I was in the stall.~

11/1 2:16 pm

In drivethru for chick-fil-a. Working from home rest of week probably. My anger is terrible. Called someone a cunt in the drivethru for honking and it wasn't even at me. My window was down, so think the person in front of me may have heard. I'm a terrible person and hate myself.

11/16 9:14am Thursday

Just got into work. Feel exhausted and drained as always. Just noticed it’s coming up on a year in January when I started making these notes. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing better or not. I’d say I’m not. Definitely not.

12/5/17 2:36pm

It’s a Tuesday, and I’d not been in the office for two weeks (11/21) between workin from home on Wednesday because thanksgiving was the next day, off Thursday and Friday, and then all last week I just never came in. Yesterday I “worked” from home, and today I didn’t get in till about 12. And the only thing I wanted to think about while walking into work because I forgot my headphones and couldn’t drown out the thoughts with music was how I wanted to kill myself. I have a meeting from 3-4 with new agile team (honestly probably only real reason I forced myself into the office). I wonder how fake I can present myself today. Hopefully it won’t be terribly interactive and mostly just informational.

1/14/18 11:27pm

I didn’t go into work at all last week. Was online only Monday for the entire day, and then Wednesday for the day on do-not-disturb. Skipped Tuesday and Wednesday completely though. Need to force myself to go into the office tomorrow. I hate myself. So much to catch up on. I cleaned a bit of the apartment, but still need to do more. My oncall starts next week, and I pray it’s quiet.

1/22/18 3:10am

Won’t go to bed because then the morning comes faster. I’m oncall this week and I just pray nothing happens at all. Even one ticket. Please don’t. I think I have an appointment this Friday about my antidepressants, but honestly I’m not sure. Please let me be left alone this week and work from home. I’ll even make sure I get work done.

1/23/18 12:30am

I’m pathetic at work.

2/4/18 6:43pm Sunday

Out grocery shopping. Tried to do small talk. Wanted to help bag like I do sometimes, but not doing well, so just awkwardly typing this on my phone. I HAVE to get work done when I get home, but haven’t been doing well. I’ll be lucky if I get anything done or I do it in the middle of the night (especially with my sleep schedule).

2/5/18 11:52am

Didn’t get anything done last night, but was able to wake up early and get it submitted by 8 (only one other person has anything uploaded so far). What pisses me off is another teammate setup a meeting at 2 with no heads up. That little amount of time and a same day meeting? Fuck that shit. I’ll attend, but doubt John will and don’t blame him. I said I was going to the doctor earlier, so purposely missed the one actual meeting I had today. Couldn’t get out of bed. Hate myself. Submitted a service request for the lights to be fixed in my apartment, so that’s the one useful thing I’ve done. I was wrong, John did accept. I hate myself.

5/7/18 Monday 8:59am

On the train in to work. Only going in for the ITA orientation and then probably leaving. Probably will stay an hour to get hibachi for lunch and then leave. I’m oncall this week. Please please please don’t have any tickets or sde’s after hours. Please god. Just this once. I’ve been doing so well with my depression, but the last week and a half it’s been dipping again and I’m afraid. On the chart at my therapy office, id finally for the first time dipped below the number for being depressed! I know I’ll always have depression and depression slumps, but it’s scary going back into my first one after doing well for almost two months. I don’t want to go back into that. I really don’t. Please just don’t have my oncall this week go badly. Dear god, just please don’t. I don’t want to breakdown in tears from anxiety this week. Make my next oncall worse, but just let me not have to worry about anything this week. Please.

5/7/18 Monday 11:21am

Doing better mentally once I got in the office and moving. It’s sad how easily that change can happen. You’d think I’d be happy, but just makes me realize how easily I can drop again. Part of me knows I could stay at the office and continue working, but the other half doesn’t care. I’m eating hibachi and then taking the train home.

5/10/18 1:02pm

Finishing up lunch at hisaki and then going into office. Have to recount all of the WebLogic VM counts manually.....

All the work before I did is basically useless.

Time to go through 400+ (maybe less since a good number are in the shared environment) and find out their host count. I shouldn’t really be complaining. Just didn’t want to have to do/worry about anything till after my vacation.

Now it’s 1:32 and I’m sitting in the toilet just waiting for the day to end. Shoot myself shoot my self I just want to shoot my self.

5/23 5:12pm

Felt sick the past few days. Worked from home. Throat is killing me, but in line at McDonald’s and going to get

5/25 Friday 11:27am

Hardly worked at all this week. Ignored a voicemail to call back my PO. Work is frustrating me.

I just hit myself for the first time in a long time again. Chest, face, head. It felt good

5:57pm clenching my fists in drive through. Want to hurt myself

5/28 Monday 2:04pm Memorial Day off work

At the bbq place getting Togo food. Been in bed all day/all weekend really. Felt sick, but also depressed. Stomach was so upset, didn’t take antidepressants yesterday. Going to take them for today when I get back. Still, I’ve not been doing well at all. Hitting myself more. Mainly the chest. May even do it on the way home. Just feeling numb again. Started reblogging suicidal/depression posts on tumblr again. It’s pathetic. Like a cry for help to the two I know who are on tumblr, but one never acknowledges them, and the other rarely gets on anymore. I have therapy this Friday (o think?) and have no improvement to speak of to the doctor. Overslept one from depression, but rescheduled the last one due to work issues. Slit my throat. Want to die. Let it end. Started singing those little tunes to myself the last week or two. Want to hurt myself. Really just want to drop dead from an accident. Get someone to take care of my cats, and then my family won’t think it’s a suicide.

6/12 10:59am Tuesday

Sitting at train station going into work. Just got back from surgery follow up and everything is fine. Spent maybe 10 minutes there in total. Now I’m going into work to eat my unhealthy lunch hibachi chicken and soda as always. I’m sad all the team. I have an in person meeting from 2-2:50, but will probably leave after that. Unless I ask Carter if he needed help with patching and he says yes, which is why I’m considering if I even should?? Wow, that’s pathetic of me. I only have to make it till EOD Thursday. Then I’ll watch Lily for the weekend, have my therapy session on Friday, and (maybe?) visit Mom and Tom on Sunday.

6/24 Monday 10:46am

I may barely make it into the office for an 11am meeting. This isn’t going to be a good week.

7/3 Tuesday 6:11pm

I missed my medicine twice in the last week (I think? Or only once). But just don’t care to take it anymore since I’ve noticed

7/9 Monday 12:15am

This isn’t gonna be a good week. I can already tell.

7/22 Sunday 1am

Doing patching. Teammates were being fucking useless, so I got offline and said I was having internet issues. It’s been a fucking hour and they’ve not done shit. The job is still hung exactly where it was when I left off. They’ve not tried to do anything at all. There are two more groups that have to run for Linux, and we’re already 2/3 hours of patching there is from 11-2am. Cancel the ticking job you dipshits. I even sent an email basically telling you to!!! I did all the ducking work for you!!! Instead you just sit there for an hour doing nothing!!! Cancel the fucking job!! If it gets to 1:30am and still nothing, I’m sending a follow up email and ccing myself. I’m not even suppose to be in charge here!! They are!!! At least Brandon should be. Daniel is ridiculously new, but clearly knows more, so make the ticking call too, for fuck sake.

- they finally did when I was typing this all out. And of course it was the new kid, not the guy who is a full time employee who should be making the call. Then again, I’m a waste of space too. Just got fed up with them and quit with a bullshit excuse. I’m trash. Now that I’ve calmed down, I hate myself again.

Thursday 7/26 2:54pm

First time I’ve been in the office I think nearing 3 weeks? I’ve not been taking my antidepressants as consistently. So tired all the time. Hardly get out of bed. Didn’t go to therapy last week. I need to call tomorrow to cancel next weeks too unless it’s early in the morning. And also schedule more since I don’t have any after that. And also reschedule one on a different day for my medicine.

Just got off my 3pm call. PO wasn’t there, so I basically lead. Talked for like 5 fucking minutes before my team lead said they’ve been doing it manually the last 4 days. So basically I’m a fucking idiot and out of the loop. I’m definitely not Sr IT analyst ready. I’m just gonna leave work. I hate myself. Put myself on do not disturb and closed my laptop. Ran and caught the train. I’m so ducking fat and out of shape. I should just go skydiving by myself and not pull the parachute. Quick and easy. Could I do it in a body bag so it’s less of a mess for the people who have to clean it up? Sky dive, pull the bag out midair. Put it on and zip it up. Splat. Done. Kaput. 😊

How many weeks vacation do I have? Just use it all at once and disappear. Then when it’s up I just never come back. I wanna jump in front of a car or train, but not okay with the impact it’d have on the person driving. If I jump off mountain, the only person it might hurt is the people who found me? Plus annoy the people who have to clean me up.

Could have a suicide note and send it in so the police can find me easily? Idk. Can’t do anything till my cats are okay.

8/14/18 Tuesday 10:19am

On the train to work. Only going in to have an in person meeting. Didn’t wake up till 9:20 and only jumped up because of the daily Standup call at 9:30. Have patching this week and next. Alex is out the rest of the week, so I’m in charge of Windows....never done it by myself, yet alone enough with someone else to be confident. Need to send out the email as soon as we get Tom’s email tomorrow. Get the jobs running and finish documentation. I think Wednesday only has noreboot servers and is a small window? Hopefully okay.

I’ve not been taking my medication. Haven’t been to the doctors in really long (therapy/antidepressant doctor). I have roughly 35 days to get in better shape/health/mental state before going to Samantha’s to see Welcome to Nightvale. Will it happen? No idea.

Still on the train. 10:27. I feel so num. no emotion at all.

5:49pm - on the train home from work. Got a lot done today, so feel somewhat decent. If I can bury my head in work and actually get stuff done, I won’t notice my depression sometimes.

9/5 Wednesday 10:51 am

Have a big kickoff meeting I’m leading. Has a shit ton of people in it. Don’t feel confident. Stomach is nauseated. Want to hurt myself too. Get it over with. Cut my throat. Let me die. Die die die die.

9/20 Thursday 11:05am

Have barely worked the last week since the hurricane hit and we’re in storm mode. Had my first “shift” start at 6 this morning, and I was the only one in the room. Was a good thing I came in to the office. Actually got some stuff done. Just really tired since I couldn’t get to sleep till 2:30 or 3, and got up at 4:22. Going home right at 2. Today hasn’t been bad, but I’m exhausted and sad at myself for being so fat and out of shape.

Animal crossing

Love Nicky

Clash royal

Good fantasy

9/26 11:53am

On train into work. Have two in-person meetings this afternoon. I regret volunteering to do the ITA stuff. Just added stress with no good outcome. My stomach hurts too. Don’t know if something actually wrong, or just anxiety of everything with work, deciding to go to the BigFix event tomorrow during work hours, and text Samantha lying I can’t come to the show. Too many lies happening at once due to my anxiety. I guess I do have anxiety. My depression making my life difficult makes me have anxiety. God my stomach hurts. Kill me kill me I want to die. Slit my throat just want to die. Just disappear I just want to disappear. First steps I need to take today to help fix my anxiety

1. Call and reschedule therapy as soon as I get off train DONE

2. Talk to Cathy and then John about change freeze issue with Websphere maintenance. Then get communications out. SENT AN EMAIL

3. Prep documentation for ITA meeting at 3. WORKING ON

4. Plan what time to leave tomorrow

5. Text Samantha for details (address, what time I should get there, etc)

6. Plan to drive home after show

Die die die die die die di die die die die die kill me

10/3 Wednesday 2:51pm

I’ve not been into work since last Wednesday, and hardly online all this week. Finally got a text from manager this morning asking what’s up. Ready to kill my self.

10/4 Thursday 1:24pm

On the train into work for a 2pm meeting I’m hosting. I may barely make it in. Barely. Or I’ll be late. Shocker. I’m useless. I look and feel disgusting. Literally just need to know if Cathy will fight if we have to push the qa and prod environment during a change freeze. If not, what will happen if we have pushed test and dev, but can’t push prod/qa for months?? I highly doubt that’s okay.

11/1/2018 Thursday 1:12pm

Waiting for the train. Overslept for therapy and then an important meeting I said I’d be late for, but not miss the entire fucking thing. I’ve pretty much given up on therapy for now. Doesn’t make a difference, and won’t get another appointment for 2-3 months, if they’d even give me one with how many no-shows I’ve done. My stomach acid is killing me.

Have meeting. Schedule jobs for 5. Go eat hibachi. Take train home. Meeting is at 2. Doubt chuck will be there. Cathy may call in or not. Literally just depends if John/srini at there. If not, will be over in 10 minutes. If they are, just keep chugging along with Websphere (need to plan how to do QA and PROD along side OS patching.

Wednesday - do it right after patching for Linux/aix. Try and include windows in the patching, or same scenario.

Do we think it’s worth doing adc/cdc groups still? Or just all at once?

Thursday - Linux/aix I do manually (hit B & C right at 5, and then A when it finishes)

11/29 Thursday 9:25am

Going into the office. I’m just really sad. I’m up to 283lbs without any clothes on. I’m working nights now with patching at work. I’m rude to the point that I don’t even move my bag on the train. It’s just all really sad. It’s not bad enough I’m hurting myself or suicidal thoughts, but I’ve just been emotionally numb. I quit taking my medicine for about a week or two, but then noticed an increase in anger, so started taking them again.

12/18 Tuesday 3:39pm

Sitting at a jimmy johns nears my apartment eating. On vacation from work, and watching Lily till Thursday, but I’ve had to be online some because patching still isn’t being covered by the EDC, even though Matt apparently was handling it but clearly didn’t? I’ll be up anyways, so I’m not mad mad, but more just annoyed, because I’m not doing this come January. Pretty depressed though. Sleeping all the time. I weigh over 285lbs now. Maybe I’ll die from a heart attack in 2019? I’ve not been taking my medicine lately, but I’ll run out soon anyways unless I schedule an appointment with my doctor. Definitely see my anger spiking some when I’m not on it while driving or the sorts. Last Friday I went into work and ran into my manager(s) which was good. Talked some, and mentioned about the possibility of moving to Durham. Would be okay, but did mention Charlotte is better career wise, which is true (but I’m okay with that?). I’m just sad all the time still. Apartment is a mess almost always, which isn’t good for the cats. I hardly ever clean their litter boxes, and it’s disgusting for them. Which reminds me I have to take them to the vet. I should call when I get back to schedule something and also clean their litter boxes before anything else.

2/18 10:02am

On my way into work to train one guy on patching, even though I’ll probably be the one having to do it the rest of the week. Was in an accident yesterday. Car hit me from behind. Surprisingly still shaken from it. I’m pathetic. Have to call insurance today since they said they were closed yesterday. Hopefully it’s just visual damage. The bumper popped off a bit, but I don’t know if it can just be popped back into place. I know nothing about cars. Other persons was much worse, but no one was hurt at least. I wish I was hurt. Just kill me. Be done with it all.

Work is never ending stress, this fucking house is too. AND I JUST REMEMBERED IM ON-CALL ALL THIS WEEK FFS. Please let it be quiet. I’m begging you. With all the SDE’s and ongoing stuff, don’t let there be anything for me. Slit my throat.

2/20 Wednesday 2:04pm

Sitting at a car body repair shop getting an estimate by Statefarm. Hopefully should be fine. Work is stressing me out. House is too. I’m responsible for getting the WebLogic patching done, but it’s all up to Srini looking at the problem servers. It’s not fair to him as I’m sure he’s swamped, but he’s the only one who can fix it. Also that one guy who sent that needs to go fuck himself. Passive aggressive fuck. Then with the house. They finally responded saying they want their roofer to take a look, which is fine. Just don’t come back and argue you’re not doing anything. I’m so done with that shit. Just offer to pay half and be done with it. Then my mental health is just terrible. Want to hurt myself. When I get home may take a butter knife or something and hurt myself. Cut my throat. Not even going into the office tomorrow even though I said I would. Fuck Friday. Please be a quiet oncall week. I’m beginning you, just like I do ever time I’m oncall. It’s pathetic. Wish I had cancer instead of Tom. Let me die instead of him. Mom needs him. Just let me die.

It’s Wednesday. Need to make it through the weekend. “Work day” just tomorrow. Have other work to do, but I’m not as worried about the after hour work for IE9 IE11 and office 2010 SP2. Slit my throat slit my throat

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