#i will cry in social settings
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The womanly urge to want a child but the anxiety to even talk to a man.
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a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)
#self#mori kei#jfashion#NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj#I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat#and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol...#the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly#a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing#sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower...#I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something#but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP#why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no#reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere#in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I'#already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate#anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or#whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ#tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons#and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE#hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like#doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at#some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them#and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like#close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s#etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst#d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol..#AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol#(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i#s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)
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THE MILFS ARE FIIIIIIIIIGHTINGGGGGGGGGG
#feh#and. sothis#i feel legally obligated to join henriette's team obviously#and you know as far as moms go henriette isn't bad! just a bit absent (obvs due to the nature of her position)#but also something that has always stuck w me about her is ..... there is something off. about her.#like i don't think she's a bad person or even a bad mom. she just seems like. she's hiding something.#i have always been equally put off and intrigued by her.#LIKE. OKAY ANOTHER THOUGHT i think i've voiced before but when sharena comes off as 'fake nice'#it doesn't FEEL fake. it feels overplayed and forced but it's so geniune actually. she is just fighting for her life#to pass a social interaction and make a new friend#meanwhile henriette's 'fake nice' feels like. she knows something all of us don't. she knows something that died w gustav.#she has always felt. foreboding.#also doesn't help though that i inherently distrust mother figures LMFAOOOOO#LIKE. coin flip between 'oh she's a good mom i'm gonna cry forever now' and setting off my fight or flight response LMFAO#no need to dig into that!#fe henriette#<- just for henriette thoughts
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operation do not cry at my irl bestie’s wedding: FAILED
#kayleigh.txt#if the pets didn’t need to be watched i would’ve been one of the bridesmaids#she gave me the same giftbag she gave them and so we’re wearing the same jewelry but alas#but yeah uh. i cried. a lot. struggled hiding it lmao#my bestie looks so fucking beautiful and perfect and her now husband immediately started crying when he saw her#honestly same lmfaooo#she made direct eye contact with me when the officiant mentioned that this wouldn’t have been possible without their loving friends and fam#which. didn’t help stop my crying lmfaooo#i’m fine this is fine; the only other wedding i’ve been to was my sister’s and i was one of the bridesmaids so 🤷🏼♀️#i was not emotional at all during that because idgaf about my sister tbqh#she and i stay civil and tolerate each other for the sake of our father but that is it 🤷🏼♀️#good thing i didn’t wear any fucking makeup because it would be ruined 😂#i am going to hang out eat dinner drink wine socialize and dance a bit#hug my bestie and her husband and cry some more probably#and thej hopefully head home before 10pm 😬🤞🏻#the pets need their pm medications and also just like. attention and all that lmao#because i am their petsitter until tomorrow afternoon/evening#also i am chronically ill and mentally ill and tired and in pain from helping set up the venue yesterday#also also i desperately wanna just. vc with friends and play genshin impact/honkai: star rail/fallout 4 🥲👍🏻#my social battery had been drained dry meeting everyone yesterday so today is. difficult
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💔
#i just found out someone copied the social media page he had before the platform stopped existing#i'm reading blog posts from 2008 about me#i can't describe what's going through me right now. i want to kick. scream. cry. mourn. smile.#also found a picture he snapped of the playground behind my house and from a bench at my old school#i didn't realise how much i suppressed#the past has a weird way of catching up#update: i just sent a message on facebook to the person who set up the replica website to thank them
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clap if you tired 👏👏👏
#too much to do and so little time to do it#im also very hungry#and i can't open social media without crying#and my friends are ALSO tired and i'm like :(((((#anyways. this ditch i'm in is nice. might set up camp for a week
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ahahaha i just got a job running social media for a local queer-owned business based on literally the first social media copy i have EVER written, by which they were “Fucking Blown Away”, i’m!!!!!!! LOSIN IT
#like holy SHIT#a job i WANT TO DO#plus the other half of the job is making jam which involves hours of repetitive tasks during which i get to wear my headphones#and not speak to anyone#CRYING SCREAMING DANCING ON THE MOON#sixteen an hour!!!!!!!!!!!#plus i set my own fuckin rates for the social media work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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im not a huge crier when it comes to books, but every time i have cried it's not because of character deaths, it's because the author somehow managed to capture a strange, upsetting, usually nasty, rarely articulated feeling in a very small detail.
#its the small things. not a book and it didnt make me upset/cry but one of my favourite details in social network is that last scene when#the girl sends a friend request on facebook set to baby im a rich man. its such a small gesture but it signifies how things changed#not only on social media but also in friendships...how people i still see and learn about the lives of people i havent spoken with in years.#the way some people who dislike each other still follow each other caise its like courtesy now?#i dont know. it was a scene that made me feel the bleakest about the shape of friendship in a movie which is#partly about the breakdown of a friendship
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.
#tag talk#as much as I hate to see the social cinema grow as I get new followers. we're at a good and satisfying number. and I like that#also also also. I've introduced a friend to Hannibal (tv show) and he's loving it and I'm so happy cause none of#of my other friends have been able to stomach the body horror. so it's super cool to find someone to hype over it with#another random story that I genuinely can't remember if I said already. got told by a kid in minecraft that he's smiled a lot more around me#which. huge compliment. genuine honor to make people happy and smile and laugh#people don't laugh enough. we don't smile enough. be happy or die. and I'm too powerful to die. been there. haven't done that#cry and then laugh and then punch as hard as you can.#got to visit some of my favorite residents from the nursing home I first worked at. lotta new staff but my three favorite nurses are still#which is nice. I cried when I left that job because even though it crushed my soul I loved my coworkers and most of my residents.#I get why some healthcare workers grind themselves to the bone for the job. you're making such a huge difference in people's lives.#I tried but didn't have the fortitude for it. but it's nice to be able to go back and say hi to the friends I made and see how things are.#anyway. sorry for being weird like.. one or two weeks ago. I think things are settling out again. moving is rough but we're making it work#It's been a lot of Lear again lately. especially while being at my parents house. he doesn't mind being deadnamed as much sooo....#idk. at least one of us is capable of surviving the dmv and the state medicaid website. heaven knows I can't manage.#trying to stop using him as a crutch for getting things done has just resulted in us not being able to get things done.#but I don't want to be someone else I want to be me. I don't want to be the armor I want to be the human inside.#I don't want to live defensively. pushing everyone away. I can't do that.#anyway. we're back home! and work is on the horizon. hopefully this job works out cause I don't want to have to apply for new jobs.#the hr rep is a man at this store and I immediately got set on edge and our voice dropped as I stepped back.#then we introduced ourselves with the wrong name and he got confused and I just felt stupid about it#but how am I supposed to know which name he's been told. he didn't even use our paperwork name. Anyway that was a disaster#but we're on track and embarrassment is not a setback but a feeling about the way things progress. and it is progress we're making
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⭐
#vent post#i had a terrible day at work today but someone just messaged me via teams to tell me that he and the team are very grateful for my help 🥺#and now i'm crying of course lol#i've been having a bad time thanks to a new hire in the team that doesn't have any manners and thinks i'm a chatbot instead of a coworker#i gave the trainings and i'm the main point of contact whenever he has any questions (very often which is expected as he sets in the role)#but sometimes he doesn't even say hello or good morning or hi or anything. just the question and expects me to have the answer#and i understand that social stuff and cues are hard (it happens to me as well) but this chatbox treatment makes me feel kinda dehumanized#i would expect it from people from other countries but not from someone from my country like cmon dude 💀#plus he doesn't have any manners. like today i was looking something up in a db for him and it took me quite a while+#when i didn't reply for a long time (because i was busy looking up the damn thing) he messages me: 'so?'#like. no buddy just no. but welp it's nice to feel appreciated by someone after being treated like this today 💖💗💕💕#btw he's just 1 year younger than me so this isn't a kid fresh out of school not in touch with the working environment. this is a man#and probably libertarian 💀
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I was supposed to go out for margaritas with my high school friends for the first time tonight, and instead I woke up from a well-needed nap in so much pain and feverish. I hate chronic illness. I just want to be able to do things that normal people my age can do
#I was genuinely so excited I was planning my outfit out and everything#it seemed perfect like I was finally going to be able to drink in a social setting but it was more lowkey than a bar#it was perfect and I couldn’t do it#I hung out with my friend for a couple hours today and she invited me to come and I just had to text her that I can’t make it#I can barely move how the hell could I sit with friends in a restaurant?#I don’t have the energy to cry right now but best believe when I do I’ll be bawling my fucking eyes out#chronic illness#vent tw
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walking into English w extreme levels of confidence for someone who doesnt know any quotes, doesnt have any ideas abt the texts and is a slow writer
#inspector calls will be fine I hope#like im okay w a question about eva or the inspector or about class or socialism or feminism#if its a choice between like younger vs older generation and like. mr birling im going to kms#hopefully theres at least one question I know#Christmas carol...… if its not redemption im screwed#like if they ask about love or something im fr going to cry right there in the hall#I should have learned jeckyll and hyde by myself damn. why didnt I do that#like can it just please be about scrooge / poverty / redemption / social change / childhood ?#god. imagine if its abt fred . I will genuinely kill myself guys#cant do fred/ marley / the ghosts/ the cratchits#wait I just looked online and apparently the theme of Christmas is a thing.#like mf what do you mean theme like yeah it takes place at christmas what do you want from me#all I could say abt that would be like the significance of the setting being Christmas. that's it#i mean i guess i could link it to community then to scrooges transformation as well and charity...#still i hope it doesnt come up bcz the essay will be so disjointed and awkward
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stands up for myself in an incredibly polite and not at all rude way and then immediately tries not to sob my eyes out over it
#mild vent#okay the context is someone who keeps sitting by me without asking at my gfs coffee shop#and in general being lowkey rude + occasionally more than i can handle#so i politely was like 'hey can you ask b4 you just sit here in case im having a bad anxiety day'#and she left without a problem and it was chill#but dear fuxking god is my anxiety now spiked to all hell and im convinced im somehow the asshole for setting boundaries#especially since last time i had to leave and cry in the bathroom#bc i told her i couldnt handle being social that day and she still wouldnt stop talking to me or sittinf there
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): sad that the dannies and the anti-dans can't reach peace during the holidays.
aw it’s ok anon i’m sure we can find other things in common. like hey! covid sucks huh? i’m pretty sure i have covid right now and i just took a test so we’ll see. hope you’re well. hope you had a good day and you’re healthy. good will to all dannies, dantis, phillies, phantis, and phannies galore. this is just like the end of a christmas carole. life imitates art.
#i don’t even know if this is sarcastic or not#it was /gen and /hj#anyway#i hate christmas but i love empathy#and idk if this anon is a joke or if it’s genuine either way it’s both hilarious and valid#hope everyone is well#i am 99% sure i have covid#i just tried to set a timer on my weather app#stay healthy and let’s all take social media breaks every once in a while until we learn to be nice to each other#like i’m a full brain rot phannie don’t get me wrong#but i’m sitting here crying because i miss my dad who died four years ago and i read this anon and i’m like#WHAT the FUCK is a DANNIE and an ANTI-DAN??#like yeah i know what you mean but jfc those are nonsense words skchskxhskhdd#absurdity of life#dnp#dan and phil#phan#yeet my deet#the sooner we accept that nothing matters the freer we are#everybody take a deep breath /gen#yeet my deenp
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HOW TO TALK WITH OTHERS IN DMS
#🌙.rambles#crying screaming sobbing dying inside#someone on twt who plays ffxiv wanted to be moots n friends#they dmed me n oh i guess we're talking on discord now#WE HAVE SIMILAR TEXTING STYLES n it seems she's just extroverted n all#she's nice tho!! idk sometimes it just really surprises me how friendly and outgoing ffxiv players are >.>#n like yk ffxiv players. we often group with each other n all idk how to phrase but yes#i'm dying bcs i really can't#i'm bad in convos alright T_T#especially in dms bcs i don't have nitro so i can't use emotes HELP#wwww she complimented my wol i'm >.>#I CAN'T WITH COMPLIMENTS MY BRAIN SERIOUSLY BLANKS OUT OR WTVR N I BECOME A FLUSTERED MESS#anyways though fuck i hate how anxious i get in social situations#especially irl i need others to hold my hand 🤕 both figuratively and literally#i'm too shyyy ><#when my anxiety's gone tho i can do anything i set my mind to#what a relief tho that at least the both of us#reply pretty slowly and write long#i find it amusing how my texting style changes and varies depending on the setting#bcs sometimes i'm like... 'those girls' ig with >< ^^ !! :OO n stuff like that#keyboard smashes + aaa + uwah + wah#but other times i'm very dry.#it's kind of weird bcs yk i write a lot yes but i'm also a pretty quiet person so#i speak a lot as well through actions but the thing is i'm Shy so i'm generally all-round pretty restrained#phew anyways now that we're done talking now i'm gna be productive#i always have so much to do aaaa constantly stressed out over everything but i'll believe in myself and do what i can 💪#i really wonder though how people perceive me. particularly in ffxiv rn#bcs it seems to me that others see me to be kind and approachable 🥴 i don't even talk /a lot/ but#it seems like i manage to stand out to people in general. i'm shy and i seriously don't even talk /a lot/ but#no way. i rmber several people in ffxiv have called me cute. analyzing their actions it does seem to be that they do enjoy /my/ presence
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girl r u ok
i WILL MEVER NE THE SMAME AGAIN
#ik u don’t want an actual answer#but picture this:#your mom has left for two weeks to take care of her sick father who lives far away#leaving u with your dad and grandma#your dad also has to leave for four days because of a work trip#leaving u alone with your grandma that has slowly started losing memory after your grandpa died earlier this year#she asks u 1200 times a day what time it is/ day it is / year it is and just nearly forgets everything#and you have to try your best to be patient#you miss your mom#and then suddenly its comeback day#u wake up early to watch the mv and listen to album and then the pressure to create sets in#u try to gif but in every single set something goes wrong and u feel like u cant do it#it takes u seven hours to finally post a set and u think its ugly and you’re so disappointed with yourself#it’s overwhelming and u keep having these self deprecating thoughts and its a constant circle so u cry and fall asleep#u wake up to your mutuals showinf u so much love esp ashible and annie#and people miraculously like the set u think is ugly#and then your fav band goes live and u read the trans online and its funny#and then your bias the only one in the world posts not ONCE but TWICE#despite being so ia on social media#so yeah. i lost it for a second there </3#pls ignore all typos i promise i know correct grammar and how to spell </3#also ignore this whole thing hdjdjd#angels ☁️#love mail 💌
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