#i wish there was a chance to live the life i wanted when i was younger
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The Way We Were
Word Count: 791
tags: f!Reader, dark!logan (past), threats, mentions of blood, past abusive behavior, implied alcoholism.
"Stop. it." His voice came out in growls.
His claws are so close to your skin you almost feel a thin line of blood running down your neck.
"One more word. Just one. And I'll show you what these can do."
You couldn't move. You couldn't speak. Too terrified and heartbroken of the man that had once mattered to you the most. The one you'd have willingly sacrificed your entire life for.
"Never look for me again. Don't call me. I don't want to see you." The rage in his eyes, the coldness, was a sharp contrast to the soft hazel orbs you had fallen in love with long ago.
*SNIKT* As fast as his claws had appeared, they were gone. You finally allowed yourself to breathe. It's short lived, because he's soon up in your face again, a disgusted sneer on his features.
"Now. Get out of my life." His breath smelled like tobacco and alcohol, all mixed together. He had been drinking himself to oblivion again. You let the tears fall. You didn't recognise the man in front of you. Your husband.
"GET OUT." He roared in your face, making you wince.
He turned around and left you behind without sparing a single glance, in the empty parking lot of that dive bar in the middle of nowhere.
That was the last time he would see you in many, many years.
Logan woke up sweating and with his heart hammering in his chest. It had been so long since the last time he had dreamed about you. About that fateful night.
He grips the couch so tightly, he's going to tear the cloth. His hands were shaking as he felt the too familiar hole inside his chest reappear. He needed a drink. He had to drink. This never happened when he was drunk.
Stumbling over his own feet, he made his way towards the fridge, opening it with more violence than necessary. With his heart in his throat, his eyes searched manically until they set on a single can of beer.
That would have to do. For now.
He tried to calm his overwhelming thoughts with a single gulp, nearly drinking more than half of the can; focusing on Althea's snores from across the hall. Whatever distracted him long enough to avoid thinking about-
You.
Your soft smile. Your encouraging words. Your endless support through all his mishaps and hardships.
How gorgeous you had looked in that white dress when you walked down the aisle towards him. How great you had made him feel, like he was the luckiest man on the planet.
How he had completely fucked things up.
No matter how hard he tried to keep his memories of you at bay, his treacherous heart kept going back to you.
He wondered how you were doing. If you got that promotion you wanted.
Did you still kept your endless collection of air fresheners that drove him insane? Were you living in a better apartment than the one you had?
Did you remarry? Were you two actually divorced? He didn't remember signing anything at all. His teeth clenched at the thought of anybody else having you.
He shook his head.
What right did he had over you? After everything he had done, all the pain and trauma he pulled you through, what made him think he had any say on who you choose to spend your life with?
He wasn't the man he wished he was for you. The one that you deserved.
Yet...
He was here. He had been given a second chance to pull his head out of his ass and do the right thing. Out of all the better suited Wolverines there were out there, Wade picked him and turned him into a different man.
He was a completely different man from the one he was back then. The one torn with rage and grief. That monster, murderer, he was long gone, locked away, he would make sure of it.
He looked towards Wade's bedroom. He knew the sneaky bastard hid some of those dimension-travelling tablets somewhere in his bedroom. Knowing him, it would be probably the dirtiest and grossest corner where he would be sure Logan would never look.
He titled his head. A dangerous idea forming in his mind.
Could he?
Would he actually dare?
What if he just took a small peek. Just to make sure you were alright. You didn't have to see him. And he could return home with the knowledge that you were alright.
It was a terrible idea. A dangerous idea. But if the Wolverine was known for anything, it was for barreling into danger first and asking questions later.
He just needed to find the right moment.
#wolverine x reader#logan howlett x reader#james logan howlett#worst wolverine#worst wolverine x reader#logan howlett#wolverine
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Every breath you take (16)
Summary: There is a shadow following you. He doesn’t know what he got himself into.
Pairing: Stalker!Bucky Barnes x fem!Reader
Warnings: a man out of time, secret admirer trope, “crazy” reader, fluff
A/N: You all made me do it! Here’s the series to this random idea: Stalker Bucky & Crazy Reader
Catch up here: Every breath you take (15)
Every Breath You Take Masterlist
Bucky hates this. He hates leaving you alone after only two days of living together. Sam called for help, and so as not to ruin the chance of getting happy with you, he must play along. Bucky cannot let Sam know he kidnapped you.
“Bucky,” you coo while hugging him tightly. You snuggle in his chest and sigh. “You’re going to be careful. Do not leave me and Alpine all alone. Kitty will eat me if I’m too depressed to get up because you didn’t come back.”
“What?” He hiccups, shocked at your words. “I’d never leave you all alone, doll. I’ll be back soon. Sam needs my help, is all.”
“You still must be careful. I don’t want you to get hurt,” you place your hands on his chest and give him your sweetest pout. “We just moved in together, Bucky baby. Your doll needs you to come back to her.”
He hums as you stare up at him as if he’s the sun, moon, stars, and the whole fucking universe to him. You smile softly and run your hands over his chest, taking the chance to feel Bucky up.
“I’m going to miss you,” you whine. “I’ll think about you all the time.” Now you pucker your lips. “Especially when I touch myself.”
“No!”
“No?” You gasp when his features harden. “No more touching yourself.” You’re taken aback by his angry tone. “You’re mine. Only I’ll bring you pleasure from now on.”
Your cheeks heat up, but you don’t want him to take away your pleasure. “What if I think about you while touching my sweet pussy?”
“Baby doll,” he purrs your name. Bucky cups your chin, holding it in a tight grip. Not hard enough to hurt, but to make his strength known. “No touching yourself. You’ll be a good girl and wait for me to return.” He pecks your lips, smirking against your soft pillows. “If you’re being good, you’ll get a surprise when I’m back.”
You fist his jacket while moaning his name against his lips. “Okay. I’ll be good,” you whisper lowly. “Alpine too. I’ll make sure Fluffy Ball is going to be a good cat.”
He laughs when Alpine sits next to you, meowing loudly. “Punk, no stealing my socks.” He looks at you one last time before he turns to leave. “And no funny business for you, doll.”
“Yes, Sir. Mr. Bucky, sir,” you giggle playfully. “I’ll be so good for you. Oh, I can put my orchids on the windowsills. I’ll just decorate the whole house to make it cozier for us. I got all those nice pillows and blankets.”
“Do as you wish, doll,” Bucky pecks your temple. “If you need my help, there’s a phone on the nightstand. You can only call one number, my number, but I’ll be right there.”
“I know,” you sigh dreamily. “Now go and save the world, my hero. Alpine and I are on house guarding duty.” You salute as you watch Bucky leave.
For a moment, looking at the phone on the nightstand makes you feel uneasy. You don’t know why. This is what you wanted—for Bucky to take you away from your life. Still, only being able to call him, and no one else, doesn’t feel right.
You’re not going to leave Bucky. He’s the man you want, and you’re in for the long haul. Why can’t he trust you? You willingly came with him without making a fuss. Any other woman would’ve screamed and fought tooth and nail.
Shaking your head, you sigh. No. Bucky tries to keep you safe, that’s all. He’s not trying to lock you away or keep you hostage.
Sooner than later, he’ll see that you love him and that you want to stay with him.
Alpine jumps onto the couch, bumping his head into your thigh. “Hey, sweetie,” you coo. “Do you want to watch the movie with me?”
The white cat meows loudly before jumping on your lap to get comfortable. It’s been only a few hours since Bucky left, but you already feel alone without him.
“What kind of movie do you like?” You pat Alpine’s back, gently running your hand over his fur. “Why does Bucky call you punk? You’re such a nice and well-behaved cat.”
While Alpine gets comfortable on your lap, you switch through the channels, looking for a distraction. No show or movie picks your interest because you’re worried about Bucky and, even more, about you and Alpine. What if he doesn’t come back? No one knows where you are.
“That looks good, right?” You glance at Bucky sitting next to your feet. He watches you place another orchid on the windowsill. “What do you think, Alpine? The light is perfect.”
Alpine isn’t a big help. He just meows and looks cute, but you are happy for his company. “Hmm... maybe we should ask Bucky when he comes back. He leaves here too, and I want him to feel comfortable and happy.”
“What’s the matter, Sam? Why did you call me in the middle of the night?” Bucky frowns because Sam leads him straight toward your abandoned apartment. “Sam?”
“A colleague of your friend called and reported her missing. Y/N, the girl you asked out, quit her job out of the blue, and no one has seen her for a few days. Her talkative colleague mentioned a stalker.”
Bucky feels his stomach tighten. This is the worst-case scenario. Sam is investigating your disappearance. Damn it. Bucky believed he covered up all traces. He even booked a flight for you with your credit card.
“Anything yet?” He asks, hoping Sam can’t hear the panic in his voice. “She’s a nice girl, and I don’t want anything to happen to her.”
“So far, it looks like she packed her bags, quit her job, and booked a flight to Fiji,” Sam explains. “When did you last see her?” He watches Bucky furrow his brows.
“On our date. You remember I had to cancel my plans with her for you. After that, she told me that we couldn’t see each other right now. I had the feeling she wasn’t interested in me. Bucky plays his role well. He shrugs and sighs deeply. “Maybe I didn’t talk enough, or I talked too much.”
“Man, sometimes it just doesn’t work out,” Sam says as he picks your lock. “Let’s have a look around her place. I bet she wanted to escape her life for a while.”
Bucky nods; it’s all he can do. He only hopes he didn’t leave any trace leading to him...
Tags in reblog.
#bucky barnes#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes x you#bucky barnes x y/n#bucky barnes x female reader#Every breath you take (16)
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One Shots
Pickup Truck
summary: frankie hates your boyfriend. in fact, everybody does. but he’s willing to give him a chance. you’re his best friend, after all.
until frankie discovers something he can never forgive.
beg
summary: frankie's tied up, strung out. it's just a matter of how long he lasts.
Tommy's Party
summary: your handsome new roommate spells trouble. or, a bunch of times you and frankie nearly fuck. and then one time you do.
pt. i - you and your friends pt. ii - tommy's party
Series
On Call
series summary: there are many things frankie morales used to laugh at in romcoms. falling in love with the girl next door, the babysitter, your best friend.
and then he met you.
listen/watch/touch
series summary: you’ve been serving frankie and his friends at your bar for months. despite your wishing and wanting, the shy pilot doesn’t work up the nerve to ask you out before santi introduces you to his buddy, joel.
swept off your feet by the sweet southerner, and charmed by pope, the boys come together to show frankie exactly what it is he’s missing.
The Debt That I Owe (coming 12/24)
series summary: you saved a cowboy's life, once. and then, when you most need him, he returns to repay the favour.
what follows is a journey that spans states, worlds, lifetimes. forging the closest friendships you have ever nurtured, chasing the promise of an existence beyond the one you've lived.
dividers from @saradika-graphics
#frankie morales#francisco catfish morales#frankie morales x reader#frankie morales x you#frankie morales smut#frankie morales fluff#frankie morales fanfiction#ppcu fanfiction
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Still haven't messaged my mom back. And I don't think I'm going to.
#you know how they say time makes you look on the past with nostalgia and that's why elderly people think so fondly of past decades? not me#there are moments I look back on with nostalgia sure but the overwhelming feeling of looking back on my childhood is just whatever I do#wherever I go whatever happens that will not be my life again. my memory is long I made a promise to myself I intend to keep I don't forget#support you having your grandkids if their mother is deemed unfit yes. take the older two myself if it comes to it yes. move provinces to#live with you to look after the five of them together where you would be my only adult connection and there's a language barrier and I have#no work history and I'd be between five hours and nine hours away from any other connection I have answer's an absolute fucking no. I've#seen how you are with my sister how you were with my brother. who do you think they call when they've had enough of you? do you not#remember most of the beatings I took was because I was standing between you and my brother? of course not because according to you you#never did beat me but if you think I'm not aware that would turn on me again the second I'm no longer distant and just visiting if you#think you'd find nothing to complain about because you've built up this golden child ideal of me in your head and want to forget how it was#when I was actually in your care you are very very wrong. I remember. I know that inconveniences a lot of people who want to forget#unpleasant things about themselves. me too to be honest I have memories I wish I could erase but I can't especially with regard to my#sister. I defended my brother but not her. not enough. and it's probably why I give so much to her now more than I should because it's#enabling but it is what it is I guess. I won't use my memories against anyone just for the sake of it but I absolutely fucking will#to protect myself or others. you want a redemption arc without admitting to anything? keep being patient and kind towards#your grandchildren even if you end up having to take them and if you can't do it for all five of them then accept that it's better for the#older two to be with me. that's it. those are your options: the older two are with me so you only have to look after the younger three or#you need to buckle down and learn from your past mistakes to look after the five of them and all that is *if it even comes to that* which#as things are it's not in danger of that! it was a regular fucking visit to monitor the situation that's all; they're not getting taken#literally every time she freaks out about something it's a 50/50 chance it's actually something or she's invented a completely#twisted version of events
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Fionna and Cake makes me realize just how much we all lost growing up. Fionna is literally us now. And it hurts so much. But feels so validating at the same time. We all went from kids with huge hopes and dreams, enchanted by the wonderful and weird world of Adventure Time, to gradually losing our childhoods and childlike view of what the world could be year by year…Until finally resigning ourselves to what the world we live in is actually like. A world without magic and the freedom to adventure whenever you want.
I feel like there’s something deeper I want to express but I can’t find the words yet…but we all feel like we’ve been short changed. We all know deep down life was supposed to offer us more. Life wasn’t supposed to be like this. Working just to be able to eat cheap food, one paycheck away from having our “treehouse” foreclosed. Hating every job we have and not knowing why.
It’s because the magic is missing. Or. It’s there but we just can’t or don’t know how to access it anymore.
It was our birthright, and it was taken from us. And we’re angry about it. We were written and created for lives more colorful and exciting than what our current universe can offer anyone besides the ultra-rich.
#adventure time#fionna and cake#seeing the fandom as active and alive as when the show first came out when I was a brand new middle schooler has a bittersweet taste#the melancholy of fionna and cake#i dont belong here let me start over#i wanna sleep so wake me up when i’m older#i wish there was a chance to live the life i wanted when i was younger#nana writes on mobile#jakes explanation on about scroot scrabbling for land and money and then when the rich got it the way they wanted#they changed all the rules to keep it that way#seems even more poignant now#i still stand by this even after watching the finale#bc half of me is like okie yeah find joy in every day life u.u#but the other half is like :/ but no bc i still want finn and jake’s world lol so
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i know this is a terrible awful ungrateful thing to say. but i sincerely hate my illness for not being terminal.
#i no longer have days when i wish to continue living#i went through all the childhood trauma and the failed suicide attempts#and i worked my ass off in therapy to get to a point where my brain was not a terrible place to live#and i sincerely felt happy about living and having a future#and then this happened.#and i dont know if i will ever live normally again#theres a chance im just gonna spend the rest of my life trapped inside my house numb from pain#so like. for the people who ask when im gonna post on onlyfans/reddit/whatever again: i dont know#i know you’re not asking that in an unkind way#i know its a compliment#but i truly dont know if ill even still be alive in a years time#i dont want to kms but i also dont have it in me to live my life like this#so yeah my answer to everything is i dont know and idk if i ever will know#sorry this is fuckin grim.
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having so much emotions over Jote and Joshua I can’t even articulate, like
#Like I know it looks like this one side unexplored ship at first glance but once you give it a thought#Dear god#their situation is so complex and there is SO much work and healing that need to be done#Especially after you learn more about the undying and put two and two together to see what kind of environment -#- they both grew up in#They are at first glance the master and servant trope#Which isn’t so exciting imo#Until you learn that technically neither of them choose it#You can tell they are two kids who grow up together and ‘saw’ each other#Jote not wanting to let go of Joshua because she knows the burden he was forced to carry as the firebird#Knowing that this path would kill him and she want to save him save her dearest friend#While Joshua seeing how Jote was made to live a life where she have no freedom or life or future#Both wanting to save each other but were powerless against their situation#And at the first chance Joshua gets he let her go#Even though she was the only person who grew to see and love him for just him#Which is his most precious inner wish yet he give that up for her sake#Imagine when he thought for years Clive was gone the only person who saw him and believed in him as him#The loneliness of being a god and a deity and yet Jote came along and mended his heart again#Then he let her go because she deserve to be free#Im in tears#there are more layers then this but#I can’t write all of then in the tags aaaaa#Like do you understand me?? Do you??#Jote#joshua#ffxvi#Like a big theme in this game is people wanting to carry the burden with their loved ones like come one im crying here
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Re-tag drop: Yelan
#yelan: ic. [ that's a worst-case scenario. but all too often; the most pessimistic speculation turns out to be the closest to the truth. ]#yelan: inquiries. [ oh? you'd like to know more about me? what will you give in exchange then? ]#yelan: countenance. [ an old friend of mine once privately commented to me that yelan “is always smiling; but never with her eyes.” ]#yelan: introspection. [ like a phantom she appears in various guises at the center of events; and disappears before the storm stops. ]#yelan: meta. [ the chances are if i open this door; there can be no witnesses left alive. is that a sufficient reason for you? ]#yelan: little notes. [ how can things ever be the same again: knowing your life was saved when others weren't? salvation can be a burden. ]#yelan: wishes. [ that which hides inside her… that constant calling; it is the blood of heroes which has been howling for 500 years. ]#yelan: etc. [ every round of finger-guessing is a tiny adventure; and every roll of dice sends sporadic thrills down her spine. ]#yelan: home. [ i'm guessing you've fallen for the rumors about me being very wealthy; having high demands for my standards of living? ]#yelan: yanshang. [ the teahouse has really brightened up after the boss took over and kicked the fatui and gamblers out. ]#yelan: lantern rite. [ every year on this day; the lanterns light up the night. may the fire never die and may humanity endure. ]#yelan: chasm. [ perhaps she will plunge into that darkness one day; and the ill fate that once befell her ancestors shall find her too. ]#yelan: scope. [ i serve ningguang. the tianquan of the qixing. the scope of my work includes some of liyue's biggest secrets. ]#yelan: weaponry. [ water. divided it is as streams uncounted: close yet untangled. united it is as a giant wave: inexorable; unstoppable. ]#yelan: uncle tian. [ there's nothing wrong with wanting to win other people's respect. but when has uncle tian looked down on anyone? ]#yelan: ningguang. [ we both made a mistake: we shouldn't have involved ordinary folk in what we do. / ordinary folk? ]#yelan: xiao. [ you think you're oh-so cold and ruthless. i'm not buying it. - losing one of us so the rest can escape? some victory that is#yelan: keqing. [ if something happens that they didn't anticipate; it throws their plans into oblivion. but the yuheng is different. ]#yelan: ganyu. [ i could never work non-stop like she does. certainly not at that level of efficiency. i guess being half-adeptus has its pe#yelan: yanfei. [ when i help her out; i always get some invaluable leads in return. gotta say though: i think she respects me a little much#yelan: traveler. [ you don't have to be on guard around me. i never scheme against people who have my stamp of approval. ]#yelan: v youth. [ you're still young. be patient. believe in yourself; and don't look outside yourself to prove your value. ]#yelan: v. pre-qixing. [ i don't do these things to help the powerful or mighty get rid of dissident forces. but because water too has a sou#yelan: v. qixing. [ seeing isn't always believing. and if you can't trust your eyes; you certainly can't trust rumors. ]#yelan: liyue. [ liyue will never plunge into disaster without clue of the danger like it once did. she will see that it is not unprepared.#yelan: wriothesley. [ don't fight over fleeting gains or losses. focus on where your heart is leading you and move forward. ] delusionaid.#yelan. [ i can't change the facts. but if it's a choice between the cold; hard truth and blissful unawareness: i'll take the former. ]
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im never going to get quality healthcare am i
#im just going to keep decaying and get shucked around from specialist to specialist#and they all do the same fucking thing. next to nothing.#they blame it on my anxiety or my weight#they dont give me the time of fucking day. ive had appointments that didnt even last THREE MINTUES#they'll run a test or two and very rarely do a procedure#and when that yields jack shit they dump me saying there's nothing they can do#and they apologize and say they're so sorry and they wish they could do more#I DONT WANT YOUR APOLOGIES I WANT YOU TO FUCKING TREAT ME INSTEAD OF HALF ASSING THIS SHIT#YOU WENT TO MEDICAL SCHOOL FOR HOW LONG?? YOU CANT THINK OF ANYTHING ELSE TO DO? BUT IM THE BAD GUY FOR PLAYING DR GOOGLE?#i've SPENT HOURS TRYING TO FIGUREOUT WHATS WRONG WITH ME#YOU HAVENT EVEN SPENT ONE#FUCK YOU holy SHIT#youre just going to leave me to suffer and die. cant wait to live a totally unfulfilling life. never get the chance to live.#i know the life i want and i cant fucking have it. it's nigh impossible#i just want to be happy. but how can i be happy when almost no one takes care of me#julian rants#vent
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okay i will genuinely ask a question
#how does someone go on and live their so called life with no motivation wish or will to live#seriously it's just... so wrong?#like what am i gonna do now#i don't want to do anything i just want to not exist#and now am i supposed to go and study and/or work hard because it is what's expected?#until when and for what#it's even unfair to everyone like I'm basically wasting resources time and chances#not that they're oh so amazing i suck but#i unfortunately still exist so are the consequences#so why?#seriously i can't find any answer any little branch or even a leaf to hold onto#i don't know how queue works but i used it#;dl#tw negativity#negativity tw#idk#tw death#death tw#not explicitly said but definitely expressed ig#idk apparently im not even reading enough to have a sufficient enough vocabulary and speaking/writing skills
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you ever find a song that you can so perfectly imagine your character's happy ending to??? bc i found kaiya's and i'm not okaY
#it's called remember not to forget by audiomachine and i'm AAAHHHHH#like imagine kaiya either after having become human again or not -- bc she's capable of being happy either way#it all comes down to her accepting and forgiving herself and finally taking the time to grieve her father and the life she lost#so imagine she works through all of that and she even works through losing sei despite being so close to him#that's her older brother figure okay ;;;; and she loses him in that final fight or after bc i haven't decided but it's what he wants#he wants to be with his family after living for so so long#and kaiya finds a bit of comfort in that#and so she's alive!! she's happy!! she's living as her loved ones wished her to!! and one day she sees this lil boy#and he looks an awful lot like sei :' ))))) and when his mom calls him he goes running back to a lady with a lil baby girl in her arms#AND LISTEN YOU HAVE TO HAVE READ ABOUT SEI TO KNOW THIS BUT HE HAD A LIL SISTER#SO BASICALLY KAIYA THINKS SHE SEES A REINCARNATED SEI GETTING A SECOND CHANCE TO BE A BIG BROTHER AND KEEP HIS LIL SISTER SAFE ;;;;;;;;;;;;#is that a lil cliché YEAH AND THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT BC IT MAKES MY HEART FEEL GOOD#anyway i'm here to write a lil bit after screaming my head off going through some mines in resident evil B)#get ready to ramble | ooc#if y'all actually take the time to read my long frikkin tags you really are the best and i appreciate you <3
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i present to you the most useless talent i possess
#it felt like a workout i didnt breathe the whole time#but then right after some user posted a video in which he played the same song with super perfect score on every single hit#and i was like Holy Fuck#no matter how good you think you are there is always some other dude who does it better than you tenfold#this is a game i started to play a few weeks ago. i've even found a new friend there. she's 25 and lives on the other side of the globe#she's very sweet and compliments my shitty english often#she really adores me for some reason since the very start and it was kinda confusing at first#well not until i figured that we actually play on the steam-exclusive server lol#i had a chat with a few people in my mother tongue there and it genuinely ruined my day#my in-game block list is full and i don't usually block anyone on any platform. steam users are build different i guess#so it was one in a million chance of us to meet each other lol we have a lot in common. its bizzare even#but at the same time we're pretty much the opposites. she likes black. she wants to be shorter. she has a fiancé. she also lives in usa#a few days ago she has sent me a photo of the local protesters outside the cafe she was eating at#with the caption like “in the land of freedom there are protesters everywhere” and i got really sad#i flashbacked to a few years ago when i was trying to run away from the local police officers while attending the protest#its not the “trying to run away” part that got me traumatised for life but the idea of freedom in my country as a whole#ngl that day unironically kinda deformed my faith in humanity. my adolescent naivety and bravery had gone ever since#this is so sad i fear despacito won't be enough to fix this#what a shitty time to be alive dont you think#but if i keep thinking about the stuff i cant control or change no matter how hard i try i will spiral into insanity in a heartbeat#anyway i think she's really cute as well. she also has two cats that she loves so i've finally found a person to send all the cat memes to#also not that long ago some cat-loving english-speaking user wrote to me here and we talked sweetly for a little while#they've told me my crochets are cute and it genuinely made my day better. not because of the compliment but tge thought behind it#english-speaking cat lovers you should know that you're the sweetest people i've ever encountered in my life#but im afraid that my prediabities will develop into diabetes if we keep this up (im not against it)#i wish every person on earth is this kind#this escalated quickly i guess. lets just look at me struggling to keep up with the buttons on the screen
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#for how long am i gonna wake up.. and have my first thought be him#and then wish that when i look at my phone i will have messages waiting from him#where he said gm and told me abt his day like i had every day for a while..#and then suddenly get anxiety pain in my whole chest and stomach#bc i know i dont have any messages from him. and that we dont really talk anymore#and now idek if he would want to keep message me every once in a while#am i gonna keep living off of the high from one message from him now and then?#like idk :((( it's just so painful#and it does hurt more now bc... for a long time i still hade hope that like ofc we will talk!!!!! when he's ready to talk#we will talk abt everything and it will all be fine ^-^ i really really had trust and belief in that#like i genuinely thought that would happen. bc to /me/ this is the most real and strong thing i've had#which truly i understand is also naive and unwordly of me and also im very intense and emotional abt things#so truly i cannot get mad abt it only have been the one thing to want and to wanna fight for#bc yeah.. ig it just stings a lot more than just a crush bc to me.. like i sound so silly and naive but i should just vent#bc like yeah... i dont have any friends to talk to or a therapist or anything and i need to talk T-T#it's embarrassing but to me i really felt like i had found my person.. the person who i wanted to be the closest to in the world..#felt the kind of love where i would do anything and fight for it to even have a chance.. and yeah..#ig i was very naive to have the 'certainty' that .. i was just waiting and being patient and giving him space. maybe that wasnt actually#what he needed. but w my avpd i didnt know how to be pushy or.. like how to be enough pushy like he would need#without being too intense to push him too far away from me. bc im intense.. so i know that even if he's right for me#im not right for him bc i could not give him what he needs.. :(((#but yeah.. everyday i wake up w so much sadness bc i know i wont get to talk to him all day#and now the sadness is coupled with intense dread and anxiety#bc honestly i have no idea if he'll ever reply to me again or how much we will talk if we even will at all.#and the thought of life without him and not even have him in it even a little makes me wanna die lol#idk.. idk... bc i wont get to have what i want.. which is to simply be with him. but yeah idk... idk#it pains me sm that ... we never did talk to find out whatever was between us. and regardless of intent on his behalf that does make me fee#*i* am the one who valued and cared abt our 'bond' more than he did... but it is what it is it is what it is#it just hurts... bc i found someone i both thought and wanted it to be real with. but... i never even got a chance to try or talk abt it#which also is life.. if he found someone (twice) that he did like enough to want to try with but not with me.. that's just how he felt..
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#man fuck [data expunged] bro never gave a shit about me and i don’t have to care about him or his feelings#why do i have to be the better person#to hell with that#im not ‘too good’ for u cuz i’m no good at all#u don’t even Like talking to me u just wanna fuck me#and frankly#get in line bitch u ain’t special#maybe you are better than me cuz ur still trying and i seem to have given up#i’m tired and i want a truck and why does everything cost so much money goddammit#i’ll never make enough to get out of here#i need to get out of this place or i’m going to kill myself one way or another#wish i was in love with someone who loved me back 😂😂😂#jokes on me i guess#imma die prematurely of lung cancer or something i hope you get your hot wife and two kids and vintage cars#i should’ve transferred to lat krabang when i still had the chance#i just didn’t wanna start school all over again… again.#maybe i would’ve met someone else#since we’re all about living in the present these days what difference is one more year gonna make#im so tired i’m showering and going to sleep#cringefail life#everything sucks except my cat
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#also god bless my friend who pointed out that im moving up and im going to be in a salon soon and will actually be doing something good with#my life vs the friend who did me this way pretending shes still in high school that freaks out and loses all her friends every 6 months#i wish it didnt bother me. and i know in 2 months im going to have brushed it off and move on like i always do when bad shit happens#but for the wound being fresh this shit just fucking sucks i hate it i hate it i hate it#i made a very very very vague post on reddit just asking for advice#and the more popular reply was someone more on my side who basically said i should tell her to go fuck herself pretty much#and the second one was someone who v obviously did not actually read the post who said it was all fluff and basically defended her even#when in my post i am saying i defended myself while still listening to the shit she says#and i fucking hate reddit bc people are so.....quick to be hateful and judge#and i knew to expect people being hateful but god DAMN like you yourself are basically saying theres not enough info (yes there was) and you#still are quicker to assume im in the wrong#meanwhile everyone who knows her is like bitch we told you to not forgive her last time and now look where you are#and i am not a perfect person i have flaws the same way everyone else does. literally everyone has said and done shit they regret#and i have fucked her over before because she lost her fucking mind on a campus manager and an educator and she told me to find my own ride#home because i didnt defend her losing her shit and screaming at everyone and ended up having to write an incident report (so did the other#girls who watched it happen so nOT just me) anyways now she uses that as an excuse for treating me like fucking trash because she finally#found out about the god damn incident report which made it so now anyone can say i said anything and she just believes it#its such a fucking joke to me because like ????? girl if we were in opposite positions you would have filled out the fuckin report too#granted it was a handwritten letter and not a report but it was basically the exact same thing as an incident report#my bad that a year ago i wrote a letter saying i was scared you know where i live and that youre mentally unstable. funny how a year later i#feel the same way all over again! except i dont because im not scared of her anymore shes a fucking theater kid who needs to get a grip#i cant wait to look at my self tag again in 2 years and be like DAMN REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED#every single person who knows her that isnt friends with her (i am basically refusing to text her friends bc i dont even want to know)#keeps telling me i didnt do anything wrong and ive given her too many chances and she fucks me each time#i just wish she would go get help bro there is something so wrong with her#self
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What I Want You To Know About Long COVID
Well lads, I've been suffering from Long COVID for over a year now. My life is at a complete standstill. I'm 25 years old and I'm too sick to go back to school, I can't work, I had to move back in with my parents and I'm still stuck here.
Here are just a few things I wish people knew about Long COVID, including things I didn't know myself until I got it.
COVID destroys your immune system. Yes, even if you don't have Long COVID. Are you getting sick more often now? When you get sick, does it last longer? There are many studies showing that COVID causes t cell depletion, even in mild COVID cases! T cells are how your body remembers how to fight off infections you've had before so losing those cells? Bad news.
Your initial infection can be mild and you can still get Long COVID. Right from Yale Medicine, "Most people with Long COVID had mild acute COVID." (This is also a good link for a basic Long COVID overview).
There can be a gap of time between when you "get better" from the initial COVID infection to the onset of Long COVID symptoms. Some people get sick with an initial COVID infection and never get better. Some get better and then weeks or months later start developing Long COVID symptoms. Long COVID symptoms can even fluctuate over time, can go away for months and then suddenly come back.
So many people have Long COVID and don't realize it. Do you feel more tired lately but no matter how much you sleep, nothing helps? Is it harder to concentrate at work or school? Can you just not think like you used to? You could have Long COVID and not even know it. Even mild post-COVID symptoms are still Long COVID.
COVID can do anything to your body. Long COVID has over 200 recognized symptoms and can affect basically any part or system of your body. There is no one mechanism or cause of Long COVID which unfortunately also means there's no one cure either.
The effects of COVID are cumulative. Each COVID reinfection increases your chances of developing Long COVID. COVID is also affecting your body in other ways, yes, even if you're otherwise young and healthy! "Repeat COVID-19 infections increase risk of organ failure, death".
Once you have Long COVID, repeat COVID infections will make your symptoms worse. "80% [of Long COVID patients] saw their symptoms worsen [from reinfection]. In 60% of people who were in recovery or remission from Long COVID, reinfection caused a recurrence of Long COVID."
There is a lot more I want to say about Long COVID but I want to keep this post at least somewhat manageable to read. Like how when COVID is contracted during pregnancy, those COVID-exposed fetuses have a 6.3-fold increased risk of motor developmental delays, or that another study found 50% of babies exposed to COVID in utero had developmental delays.
You need to keep caring about COVID, for others around you and also for yourself even if you're "healthy". Everyone is at risk. And don't forget 40-60% of COVID infections are asymptomatic, which is why masking even if you feel fine is crucial. The only way right now to not get Long COVID is to not get COVID in the first place. It's not too late, if you've stopped masking it's never too late to start again! I know it's easy to get distracted by things in your life that seem more real than the possibility of getting sick some time in the future, and the peer pressure to not mask can be intense. But it only feels less real or less important until your entire life is having Long COVID. Trust me.
I know this is a complicated issue, many people can't afford to stay home when sick even if they want to because of their jobs, there are disgusting policies trying to ban wearing masks, but please if you can. Keep masking. Masking works, masking saves lives.
This post got a bit longer than I wanted so below the cut is a non-exhaustive list of my Long COVID symptoms and some of my experiences as one of the "healthy young people" who got "unlucky". cw brief mention of suicidal ideation.
Welcome to the Thunderdome that is my body with Long COVID. Keep in mind these are just my experiences and symptoms, Long COVID can cause any range of symptoms at varying severities.
Dysautonomia: Exercise intolerance, Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM), fatigue, and heat intolerance. What do those things mean? Here's some specific examples. Absolutely terrible circulation I am so cold all the time but also, if I get a little too warm I will pass out. Eating hot food makes my heart rate spike, I sweat, my body feels heavy. Blood pooling and pins and needles in my feet when I walk. Don't even think about exercising past walking, it's impossible. I used to work out an hour a day 4 times a week and now walking up one flight of stairs makes my heart pound and I can't breathe. Can't take even just warm showers anymore or I will pass out. Heat rashes from being in the sun for 10 minutes.
Digestive issues: Honestly too many to name but: constant bloating, extreme nausea, constipation, slow motility, lack of appetite, just so much cramping and pain. I lost 18 pounds from Long COVID, as someone who was already considered underweight their entire life, and almost had to get a shunt put into my chest to deliver nutrients because I was nearly completely unable to eat. For the first 6 months of Long COVID, if I could manage 600 calories a day, that was a good day.
Histamine intolerance: Oh boy. My worst symptoms, I don't even know where to start with it. If you know Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) it's very similar. I can only eat 19 foods. If i eat a single bite of something not on that list, it's 48 hours of absolute hell. Coughing, migraines, itchy eyes, such extreme nausea I cannot even describe it, panic/feeling of doom, racing heart rate, derealization, rash, uncontrollable muscle tremors. I only learned about histamine intolerance 5 months into having Long COVID so before that, I was experiencing these symptoms nearly every single day. Terrifying isn't even a strong enough word to describe how it felt to experience all this and have no idea what it was, how to stop it, or if it would ever stop. Really dark times.
Neurological issues: More of that derealization. Inability to concentrate. Anxiety. OCD-like symptoms such as thoughts getting "stuck" in my head, repeating 24/7 completely unable to stop them, genuinely felt like my brain had cracked open and I had lost my mind. Constant dizziness like I'm on a boat.
Sleep issues: I sleep like garbage. I have insomnia, I wake up dozens of times every night and every single time I sleep I have intensely vivid dreams. I can't sleep longer than 7 hours total no matter how exhausted I am. It is exhausting. I'm exhausted, I'm so so tired.
And finally. Just. Really intense suicidal ideation. My body, my health, my entire life has been stolen from me because someone else decided my life was worth less to them than wearing a mask or staying home if they feel sick. Before I got Long COVID, I was preparing to go to South Korea to teach English, then on to a PhD in neurolinguistics, I was supposed to meet my long distance partner and had already booked plane tickets when I got sick. All of that has been destroyed.
Most of us with Long COVID are stuck in a cycle of being extremely sick, then if you're lucky you'll slowly get better over months, just to get reinfected and go right back where you started or worse. Honestly, I'm not scared of dying from COVID. I'm scared of living for a long time, suffering from Long COVID the entire time. This isn't living.
I don't know how to end this now. I'm still fighting, I'm trying experimental treatments, I'm not giving up yet. I hope everyone reading this stays healthy and well.
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