#i wont go too in depth and all. but i dont want to keep it a secret.

[orcelito]

God, what even is my "reasons this hasn't been updated in 4 and a half months" list anymore hfkshdj

I think we're at: wrote a smut fic, got a new girlfriend, got into bg3, quit my job I had for 8 years, my dad fucking died, got Throat Bleeding Disease, got into crochet, started watching way too much anime, got into Stardew Valley again...

🤔🤔🤔🤔 things sure have been busy, huh?

[drpeppertummy]

ur art makes me wanna draw my own belly doodles!! do u have any advice for drawing bellies :3

oh hell yessss u should !!!!!!! ok i dont really have Much advice but heres what i got off the top of my head (& a lot of it is stuff i gotta work on myself too jghfdjfhg)

someone else (cant remember who😭) posted about this recently & its something i definitely agree with: know where the hips and rib cage are. thats what i pretty much always start with so i can get passable proportions and also start to lay out the pose

play around with different shapes, sizes, weights, etc. small taut bellies, big plush bellies, perfectly round, full of rolls, top-heavy, bottom-heavy, bellies that push out far or bulge at the sides, etc

positioning clothes, limbs, props, etc appropriately around the belly can add a lot of depth to it. think about where a shirt would be pulled taut, where the folds on clothes would fall, the angle an arm would have to be at to rub the belly, etc

think about how soft/firm the belly is. will it squish up against a surface or stay round like a basketball? how deep can a hand press into it? maybe the lower half is softer than the stomach area? much to ponder

sometimes a pose can do a lot for the belly. sometimes a cute outfit can do a lot for the belly. sometimes the context implied by props can do a lot for the belly. think about what you want to emphasize or show off, what you want to suggest about the situation, etc

having a specific situation in mind isnt a necessity, but personally i think it helps. i have an easier time drawing a character if i know whats going on and why, how they feel about it, who they might be with, etc. doesnt have to be all that involved. could just be somethin simple like "they were hungry so they made too much lunch" or "trying to get dressed but their pants wont button"

experiment with lines. clothing folds, belly rolls, lines intended to show stretching or tightness, stretch marks, etc. this can add depth and emphasize the shape or feel of the belly

this is something i Really struggle with: it helps to know how big you want the belly to be. personally i tend to go overboard and make it bigger than i wanted to. just be aware of the size youre going for so you can keep it where you want it to be

look at other belly art and take note of what aspects of it you like. theres much to be learned from watching other artists and seeing what people do differently

& if anyone else has Better advice Please feel free to add !!!!

[collegetennisoriginstory]

OK. UM. first of all, hiiii! <3 ok lemme just gush a lil bit:

1. I LOVE UR FIC OHMYGOD HOLY SHIIIIIIIT

2. god, i don't even have the slightest idea of how tennis works, but this is just so????? like?????? you know. and i kinda get how the play goes?? YOU'RE AN AMAZING WRITER GOSH.

3. i actually remembered most of the characters?? considering there's a lot of em, this is practically a miracle. again, you're goddamn amazing. i dont know how. maybe the pace is great, but definitely THE CHARAS ALL HAVE PERSONALITY/DEPTH??? like, i actually even remembered the side charas!!! mike, thalia, diego, felix, that cool ass girl in that shooting game, etc. umh just perfecto.

4. THE TENNIS MATCHES ALL FEEL SO SATISFYING!!! <3333333 omg. i feel like WUOOOOOH u know. i feel so cool playing a cool talented mc omg im loving it (i play a i-win-everything type of mc becuz im a perfectionist with a fear of failure) the matches me on edge in my seat oh gosh <3 and when u win it somehow just go WOOOOOOOH again!!! AAAAAA<3

5. aw, and of course, my beloved rivals to lovers rayyan <3333 *sigh* the slowburn.... (hes actually my first & only one. i go: ohhh tension!?!? and make a run for it. um, if it's ok to ask, is there a lot of content in the romance area as of now or in the future? like, replayability in terms of romance? im sorry if this is rude, i didnt mean to, i suck at words & i wont ask that again.)

6. FOUND FAMILY YAY! FOUND FAMILY YAY! <33333 (we genuinely lack those in the if community pls.) soulmates w/ sam. ride or die diego. very reluctant ride or die G (imma be honest, his name is just so hard so my head for some reason just go Guacamole 😭). aww tobin u very big cinammon roll ill protect u. shenanigans. & others too many to name honestly.

7. help this is just so good i had to force myself to sleep at 3am for a 7am lecture and i sat in the front rows and i put my head on the table and the fricking professor called me out ohmygod- BUT IT WAS WORTH IT GODDAMN!! ILL DO IT AGAIN IF I HAVE TO! HA! i cant wait for the next update- i'm gonna have this fic in my head for the next week oh pls noooooo. (no pressure tho. u do u author! take ur time!!! ill be here to support u, whoo!)

8.ALL IN ALL, I LOVE IT I LOVE THIS I LOVE EVERYONE I LOVE YOU AUTHOR *runs over & hug you w/ consent* <333333333333

ok. um. that's not it but if i continue it's literally gonna be an essay so i'll stop.

author. i will die for this fic. ahaahahahah. if i may ask, what's ur fav IFs? (i really, really love this one so im kinda hoping maybe u have similar taste in IFs eheh. again, im sorry if this comes as rude or insensitive.) oh uh & if my long rambles bother u, i won't send it again sorry.

<333 okok. take care of urself, dont forget to eat healthy, drink water & good sleep. have a nice day :D

Wait. I think I might have missed replying to this I am so sorry!!! It gave me so so much joy. Maybe I subconsciously did not want it to leave my inbox haha.

1. And 2 -> THANK YOU!

3. Gosh this is such a great thing to hear. There are a looot of characters, and I definitely worry sometimes that it gets to be too much, but I think the IF is getting long enough for me to give enough-ish screentime to each character... though it takes me a while to cycle back to different side characters. I cant believe you remembered the cool ass girl in laser tag! :)

4. AWESOME to hear! 🥰

5. Yup, being a character driven IF, there will be a lot of romance (or friendship) beats / moments in the IF (which is already true now). The next couple of chapters will follow the same mix of sports, school and romance / hanging out, so you should already have a sense of how much romance there'll be (it'll just keep unfolding / developing for each of the RO routes!)

6. Hehe found family is my fave trope to insert in stories as well.

7. Hahaha aww oh no fictional college life is catching up to your real college life!!

8. HUG YOU BACK (with consent)!!🤗🤗

[la-pheacienne]

so i have to go to work soon and am feeling quite scatterbrained so im sorry if this doesn't feel coherent. But I've been thinking for the last couple days about Elia Martell.

I understand that Elia Martell is supposed to be dead. that her narrative role is to be dead. but i keep wondering about if she had lived. (i have severe difficulty believing that Tywin actually wanted her to live, despite his "regret" over the Mountains actions. i think his regret literally comes from the fact that Dorne is a pian in his ass and not because of anything ehtical or even Strategic*)

*how would it have been strategic to let the princess consort of the previous regime live and go back home after killing her husband and her children? she would probably have been a political hostage tbh, to ensure Dorne's behavior, forcibly remarried by whomever Tywin chose. have no idea who that would be tho. but thats besides the point.

to be honest, I'm too scatterbrained to get all my thoughts in order, but if Elia had lived (and was aloowed to go back home), I have genuine doubts that Dorne would have enacted the same type of long lasting revenge that they do in canon. probably Doran and Oberyn would want the Mountain dead, and Tywin as well, but in this case their sister is actually "alive and well" and while children are precious, at least they have their sister back with them safe. and of course, probably Elia probably would be "broken" in this case. little more than someone wracked by grief. (tho maybe not. proably suicidal, or maybe the fact that shed be grief stricken, "broken" would drive them to revenge)

anyway, if Elia was going to live, i keep thinking that shed very likely become hard, after being the woman of sweet wit once. and I dont know, but if she wanted revenge, would Dorne really help her get it? i know that mysoginy is real, and Westeros seems to have a hard time allowing women to get their own revenge. I dont doubt the depth of Oberyns feelings, but its been almost fifteen years and its clear that he put Elia on a pedestal, (probably seeing the real woman would be truly difficult for him) and Doran clearly wants political vengeance in the story.

GRRM said that Elia and Rhaegar had a complicated relationship, and it seems to me that She probably loved Him more than He loved her. so its questionable whether she would want revenge on purely on his behalf, which would lead to very complicated feelings of vengeance and scorn intermixed, naturally.

probably shed be a heavier inspiration to Arriane, if Elia wanted revenge against Robert but her brothers dont exactly listen, with Oberyn wanting the glory of the act and Doran's never ending patience.

I wont lie, i couldn't help think on this because i Know that the Stansas tend to wrack Elia Martell's description like a corpse doll for whatever shit they're snorting atm, but i think that if Elia had lived, theres a small chance that she would want to go to Daenerys.

Daenerys fitting the description of the Prince that Was Promised- which Elia would probably know about since Rhaegar told her the song title-and also bringing Dragons Back, which probably Rhaegar spoke pf repeatedly.

I dont think Elia would feel only scorn for Rhaegar, even his actions probably hurt her a lot, especially because over the years she too would, alos view him through a lenses of grief. but i think that if Elia knew that Daenerys seems to be the one Rhaegar was waiting for, she'd want to be at her good sisters side, either for vengeance, or because she too, wanted to see the dream of spring-the hope- that no doubt Rhaegar had shared with her.

what do you think?

So, thank you for asking my opinion on this, but this is really not my thing. I believe I'm fairly good at analysing written text, but I am not good at speculation and imagining alternative endings and what ifs. Maybe you should adress this question to someone in this fandom who writes fanfiction or generally likes speculation, AUs, etc. I will tag @ladyalianora for a pro-Rhaegar approach and @alethiaii for a not so pro-Rhaegar approach.

Having said that speculation is not my thing, I don't really know what would have happened if she had lived, cause she died, and her death is a pretty important part of the story and definitely the most important part of her story. But if i want to speculate, Elia surviving without her children in my opinion wouldn't have changed things so drastically. Her house would still want revenge over the dead children. It is not only Elia that would want revenge as you say, it's her entire house, and in my personal opinion, in universe, I think the children were actually more important than Elia herself for the house Martell. Not for her brother maybe, but for the house and the legacy of Dorne, the children are the most important. Let's be real. These children were Martell children and they were the heirs to the throne, they were supposed to succeed their father and grandfather and they would have if Baratheons and Lannisters hadn't killed them. This new order of things didn't just erase Targaryens, it erased Martells as well and the power they held because of their affiliation to the Targaryens. Yes Rhaegar left Elia but her children were always going to be the Targaryen heirs and nothing in the world would change that. It's Robert and the Lannisters that killed them and usurped their father so for Dorne they will always be the actual enemy, always. Plus they would really dislike the Starks because of their alliance with them and because of Lyanna, realistically.

So yeah Dorne would definitely want to avenge the children.

As for Elia, she would be a shadow of her former self, abandonned by her husband who is now dead, and with her children killed. Her attitude towards Rhaegar would be really complex cause he did abandon her but at the same time, strangely, tragically, her interests were tied to him, his death was the catalyst for the death of her children. She would definitely had mixed feelings, bitterness, betrayal, scorn possibly, she would definitely accuse him for being the cause of this entire rebellion but at the same time she would, I believe, feel intense grief over his death and usurpation. As GRRM said, their relationship was complicated, I personally believe there was some sort of understanding between them before he left, there was some sort of closure, cause I believe this possibility is way more in tune with Rhaegar's canon characterization. They were in an arranged marriage after all, it was a marriage of duty. But I'm 100% biased in Rhaegar's favour so maybe you don't agree. Also her negative feelings for Rhaegar would be largely covered by the disgust she would obviously feel for anyone involved in the new regime, the Lannisters, the Baratheons and the Starks.

To sum it up, her mental state would be very interesting to write, very complicated and tragic, just an endless sea of grief and disgust directed towards many different people, her husband, and his usurpers. An Andromache type of character.

As for her attitude towards Dany, I really don't know cause I never thought about this. Maybe she would go to her maybe not. I feel that Dany would be the one to go to Elia and not the other way round. Dany would absolutely want to meet her and talk to her, she would be the only hint of family she has left after all and they could have a connection over their common loss of their families at the end of the Rebellion.

"Daenerys fitting the description of the Prince that Was Promised- which Elia would probably know about since Rhaegar told her the song title-and also bringing Dragons Back, which probably Rhaegar spoke pf repeatedly". Now I do believe it is a possibility that Rhaegar had shared with Elia the prophecy but I am not so sure. Maybe he was very solitary in his visions. And also I don't believe he spoke repeatedly of bringing the Dragons back. I actually don't buy this and I think the fandom has severely misinterpreted his "obsession" with the prophecy. The line "the dragon has to have three heads" was spoken in Dany's dream and it was spoken to Dany. Rhaegar in the dream looked directly at Dany when he said that, and as we know, Dany was most definitely not present in the real scene, if we supposed it was real (it wasn't). It was Dany's vision, not Rhaegar's. All we know about Rhaegar himself was Aemon saying :

"He shared my belief when he was young, but later he became persuaded that it was his own son who fulfilled the prophecy, for a comet had been seen above King’s Landing on the night Aegon was conceived, and Rhaegar was certain the bleeding star had to be a comet".

That's it. He first believed he was TPTWP and then he believed his son was TPTWP. Period. So I really do not get how we concluded from this that Rhaegar was obsessed with having three children and that he even talked about it all the time. All this comes from Dany's vision, where Rhaegar was talking to her. And this theory is directly promoted by Targ antis who believe the Targs are just a bunch of self aggrandising assholes starting with Dany herself.

So no at this point I don't vibe with what you say. I do believe, however, that Elia would recognise Rhaegar's visionary and idealistic personality in Dany, along with other specific traits, and she would probably believe that Dany may be able to achieve what he did not.

[angy-grrr]

Okay is it just me but isn't this a little bit too depressing for shounen though? So as it stands, Deku lost his powers so now he is Quirkless. He couldn't accomplish his want which was saving Tomura. Nothing has ultimately changed, everything is pretty much the same aside from the villains dying. Ideally, it would be different if this whole build up with the villains had a satisfying pay off at the very least but it aint what happened.

So are we just supposed to care that OchoIzu may become canon and it will be nice at the end? Where is the satisfying pay offs and character conclusions?

Mmmm I think its complicated -definetly more depressing than most shonen bc they usually just end after the big fight with the big evil being defeated and everyone happy. Because Izuku doesn't show his thoughts for a really long time we dont know what he truly feels about any of those things -he said he made peace with the idea of losing OFA, and he was shown caring about being responsible about Tomura's death in order to avoid something like that to happen again, wondering if there are alternatives from what has been going on for decades.

Personally I think this wont end with society changing -or at least completely- but starting to create something new. It would be complicated to show the whole process and the first epilogue chapter implied we would see just the beginning of something, that first motion into action.

I need to know what his planning to do with Himiko -that way, I'll be able to judge better the whole villain and hero change and shift, and their endings. I believe theres a huge opportunity with her to bring interesting conversations around her, villains, heroes, and their society as she can be considered everyone's responsibility/the government's as she is still a kid, while also going into an unexpected route which could add a lot to the league's depth and diversity in terms of endings. Bittersweet still, but it is for everyone.

When looking at the story, I dont see why we should waste time canonizing that ship as it doesn't add anything new to these characters nor their stories -Ochako would be honest about her feelings which is a huge part of her character, sure, but is it really that important to get with him? She accepted her feelings while refusing to let them determinate who she is nor what she wants, and putting them to the side didnt affect her negatively the way ignoring Himiko did. She was able to help him and save multiple people, acting on her own by being inspired by, who? Him who acts impulsively because of his will to be a hero? Or her who acts impulsively because of her feelings? Both?

In any case, I cant see this being satisfying, to get them together as a couple. Izuku doesnt gain anything from this -as far as we know, she isnt his most important person but one of his best friends, and helps him and have a nice relationship, but this doesnt do anything for his character. We didnt see him struggling to tell her his personal feelings or thoughts -on the opposite side, he feels free to do so with no pressure-, so he doesnt overcome or finds something from getting with her. Ochako would just end up what, talking inspiration from Himiko's death to get with a guy they both liked? It sends a nasty message, about her being the "good and nice" girl while Himiko is the "monster" who doesnt deserve to actually get with the people she loves, even tho Uraraka is weird, and she should be allowed to show it -she relates to Himiko a lot, and finds her feelings of love, jealousy, fear, anger and sadness relatable, so why would she want to end up with Izuku, who has a different concept and rejects all of these things so precious to her? All of her development trying to find herself would just go away if the conclusion to her character is "yeah shes sad but hey, he got with the boy, thats good! That's what she was looking for!"

Characters can date while keeping their goals and aspirations in mind of course, but when she did try to act like him and be closer to him like that all she found was failure and a bad feeling, and when she let them go she had more space to wonder about the stuff that matters to her -who saves heroes? What is a villain? Why is she feeling this way with Himiko? Why cant she just act like everyone else? Is she weird? What does she actually want to do?

Focusing the conversation around Toga makes it easier to talk and and answer these questions also finding out about Izuku's perspective, but suddenly going for a confession? I cant see that happening naturally and being satisfying for anyone other than dudebros that dont even care about their "favorite" ship nor the characters.

[burning-sol]

im censoring any art i make of "her" and limiting reblogs because i do want to make vent art but i dont want to share a lot of details <- but if i dont share details it might make people feel wrong to later have interacted with any art featuring her at all. and i did make a post abt her in the past but it wasnt my intention to give the wrong impression of her because id genuinely experienced amnesia and couldnt remember the details about her. to be clear she's not real, she's not representative of any person in real life, i would describe her as a mix of my psychosis and what i recently realised describes maladaptive daydreaming.

i have been getting very very paranoid recently so ive been talking to xander and hy said he's going to help my get back in contact with a therapist when it gets the opportunity. i dont know how my behaviour has been perceived at all the past (???) amt of time, but i apologise if its caused confusion or distress.

anyways ill be talking about her under the cut with art but content warning it goes into talks about psychosis and emotional abuse and some transphobia and SA <- the art is evocative of that last thing i put it at the very bottom of the post. there's also talks about grooming..

i do have records of when she was first around but i only really looked at it to see how i drew her as i have a lot of amnesia around her and i dont like looking at old logs of things.. like. the thing is, there's a lot of stuff that happened online or i had uploaded online and i would rather let it remain forgotten rather than drag it back out. maybe its selfish of me but like i seriously dont want to think about the times i might have been groomed or the specifics of anything, i just want it all to go away. so yeah, i forgot about her and forgot about what she said or did because i wanted to forget and it didnt come up so it was whatever.

but there was a time where i was experiencing some different voices, ive had a track record of abusive voices throughout my life (to be clear xander is very different from that, to me it clearly has a wider depth of emotion and thought than these voices and actually has control over the body.. i just feel like i want to make that clear) and she was amongst them though i think she was different in her own way. the main reason i feel so scared of her is that i experienced a sexual hallucination perpetrated by her and i had to search up whether that was even possible because i have not heard anyone bringing it up before. but yes, that happened, and i dont claim to be a victim of sexual assault but it's still painful to think about and im still scared of her.

aside from the i guess "threats" of sexual interaction and recently threatening to leak sexually compromising information and photos of me, she is generally quite demeaning. she talks a lot about how i should just go back into being a complacent girl who does what she wants. she threatens to isolate me. i guess she's also threatened to hurt me physically too. its not real but at times it has felt like i am in literal chains and are at her whims and it makes me feel scared.

i dont know if its clear but there's a lot i dont bring up when it comes to any sexual trauma because i just. i dunno. i dont feel like any of it is worth talking about if im complicit in it, if its in my head, if its just nothing. things ive been involved in are deeply humiliating and hurtful. and of course i cant HELP but bring it up at times, as any person does, but out of everything i dislike talking about this trauma the most. id rather be quiet and not talk about anything and hell, i probably wont keep this post up.

a part of me realises it probably just hurts others that i dont talk to them about things like this. but talking to someone privately abt when im distressed makes me think about my previous toxic behaviours and i dont want to repeat that ever again, so i prefer to just stay quiet.

just typing this has made me exhausted from the emotional drain so ill stop this post here. thanks.

[hyenagurl]

I haven’t really super analyzed/seen the twin peaks/fire walk with me stuff but I am super curious, what’s Laura Palmer’s whole thing? She seems interesting if not tragic & I love to hear people talk about characters they’re passionate about so I thought I’d pop by and ask!

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING ill try to keep this thing as coherent as i can. basically when twin peaks starts out laura palmer is basically just the Dead Girl and it appears at first that there isnt going to be much depth to her. that shes a mystery to be solved. her corpse is discovered washed up on the beach wrapped in plastic, and it sets the stage for the whole first season of the show: Who Killed Laura Palmer? and its like okay its gonna just be a murder mystery, albeit a fun offbeat david lynch sort of mystery. the fact that the first few episodes have an almost parody sort of feel that was poking fun at soap operas at the time didnt help either.

but the show creeps along and its a lot more than that. every person in the small town of twin peaks is unraveling bc of her death, her closest friends and family most of all but even people who barely knew her and we spend plenty of time exploring how every person is reacting to it. it becomes clear even before the audience knows her and the circumstances of her death that it has left a huge hole in the town, and her absence is constantly felt in every episode. shes gone but shes very much there. before long shes as much the protagonist as Dale Cooper, the FBI agent who is working on her case. i dont wanna explain too much about the details of the process of him uncovering her life and her murder, both to avoid spoilers and bc its convoluted david lynch mind fuckery, but the deeper he gets into the case, he starts seeing visions of laura palmer, begging him to help her, aiding him where she can.

when her killer is revealed at the end of season 2, its a gut punch not bc its so much as a surprise but because there was plenty of foreshadowing as to who it is, and youre hoping that its not true because its just so awful but you cant look away. Dale Cooper travels to the Black Lodge, a sort of hell where souls in anguish go (its david lynch fuckery, my best approximation of it), and he sees there Laura Palmer’s “doppelgänger”: that is, the part of her that is still tormented by her horrible death, and has been stuck there the whole time the show has been creeping at its slow pace, and dale cooper has been stuck unraveling the mystery. and when he finds her there, she shrieks. she is shrieking not just with pain and horror but with pure, unadulterated rage at what as happened to her. she cant get out and there is no escape for her here and she didnt deserve it.

this is the scene. it wont spoil anything if you watch it, but i consider this scene to be what really made me so fascinated with laura palmer and i consider it to be almost the heart of the show. dale cooper finds her here, and this is where he becomes “trapped” in the Black Lodge; any person who shows fear in this hellish realm will have their souls destroyed and can never leave (again, lynch stuff). so this is where he remains until season 3, 25 years later.

but even that is only scratching the surface. after season two, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me is released, as the prequel to the show. its here where we see Laura Palmer’s final week on earth and we see what she was really like. Again, I dont want to spoil it, but its here we really see that she knew her murderer and that she was being sexually abused by someone in her family, she was addicted to hard drugs and was promiscuous and leading a that double life completely unknown to her friends and family. as beloved as she was by people in her small town they had no idea the person she had really become and no idea of the agony she was suffering. not until it was too late.

now reading that its easy to think that this movie could have turned into an offensive, voyeuristic mess. but between lynch’s directing and sheryl lee’s phenomenal acting, the whole movie just aches with compassion for Laura Palmer. we’re with her every step of the way until the very last minute, and it manages this without showing any of the actual abuse or dehumanizing her (which since this came out in 1992 is very shocking to me).

and do you know what? when this movie came out, people MOCKED it at cannes’ film festival. they hated this movie, they thought it was campy, overwrought and goofy. and maybe some parts of it are, but it’s very clear that lynch intended this to be a very serious and compassionate look at a rape victim’s trauma.

theres a lot more, i mean you can write novels on the tv show alone, but when people talk about twin peaks they tend to talk more about lynch’s eerie imagery and less about laura palmer’s character, which is strange bc its such a potent emotional core of the show.

[thegeminisage]

long ass post major spoilers tldr i beat it

ok, i've got an hour, time to get started on the end of this game 😤

first straight to lookout landing to introduce purah and mineru.......

or no wait since im here and havent done it in awhile ill swing by the great fairy. if theres any armor i can possibly upgrade i really need to do that lol

okay there isn't really. lol. after pikmin 4 i am gonna need to farm so many materials......

okay, i cooked some food but i dont actually have anything useful so most of it is just atk up/def up/health refills. only a few anti-gloom foods, which is sure to get my ass kicked...

now i guess i just........dive in...................................

im nervous.

i dont have a lot of weapons and bows rn either but whatever ig!!! surely nintendo will provide. i have the master sword fused with one of the light dragon parts so she can fight with me in every possible way!!! also i think the durability wont be affected when it's in its glow mode which it will be down there

thunderstorm as i walk up to the castle lol. classic

alright. WELL. geronimo.

wow that really is. a long way down. okay.

okay hold on wait there's a spot missing on my map. do i get a fucking lightroot down here? i just check. it is so high up. probably unclimbable. do i need to dive again? i'm diving again. fast traveling to the shrine above this time

the bg ambience down here is fucking freaky btw

ok, i got it this time. whew.

back down i go. yeesh.

my neighbors pick NOW to mow their lawn. fuck me sideways

oh im already one heart lost. this floor is COVERED in gloom...

THE FIGHT MUSIC THO...damn

ugh, four hearts down and only two recovery items...yikes. i'm gonna get my ass beat fr but i don't have time to go farm sundelions nor do i want to rn

i can't figure out where to go. i went down a hole with monsters bc that seemed like the only route but now i can't find a way to proceed

did my sword just RING at me??????

fi girl what is going on

oh fuck me there's a gloom lynel

okay yeah no. this isn't gonna work. i need to fucking go farm fucking sundelions. UGH im so mad about it

okay. farmed. going to cook. jesus fuck

COOKED. warping back to the lightroot. bet that mf lynel refilled its stupid health

it did.

I GOT HIM.......ohhh it broke my sword to do it :( i didnt know it could break when it was powered up like that. but i got him...

but now where do i...?

this doesn't feel right. i feel like i'm just heading back into the depths. probably fought that lynel for no reason at all. but i'm scared to look up a walkthru bc of spoilers :(

ok, i did find a guide and i think this is the right way? im scrolling down like one line at a time lol

THE POWER OF A SAGE CANNOT REACH YOU??? OH THIS IS DEFINITELY THE RIGHT WAY

it was way too crowded with all of them but now i feel verrry alone

I FOUND HANDS................

ohhhh i do not want to fight phantom ganon in this gloom covered arena. i do not want to

but with no sages...i can't get across without engaging...

OKAY. THE GOOD NEWS. KILLED THE HANDS. THE BAD NEWS. PHANTOM GANON CHASED ME UP TO THIS HIGH SPOT

GOT HIS ASS!!!! gibdo bone arrows you motherFUCKER

ok, i got across the room...

wait. this looks familiar

THE MUSIC!!!! THIS IS IT THIS IS WHERE I STARTED..................

GLOOM REDEADS!!!!! not today motherfuckers. im not getting jumped im NOT getting jumped

the murals...i can blow up the rocks now

OH MY GODDD.....

the imprisoning war, zelda healing the sword, and becoming a dragon...she WALKED RIGHT PAST THESE with her ALREADY HAVING DONE IT in the past, not knowing she was about to do it again in her own future...oh my god im gonna be SICK

oh that is a big hole.

WAIT...THIS IS THE HOLE SHE FELL DOWN........

WHY IS THE MUSIC DOING THIS...im scared someone come hold my hand

oh my god. the torch zelda dropped is at the bottom of this hole.

im picking it up and im fucking giving it back to her

it JUST keeps going down....

oh god another big jump. OKAAAYYYYY

what IS that..............

DEMON ARMY??? BY MYSELF?????

OH MY GODDDDDDD MY BESTIES!!!! THE GANG IS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me im welling up. ive never been more glad for a crowded screen

got my master sword back. fused with zelda's horn. refilled my health. THIS IS ITTTTTT

ROUND TWO!!!!!! IM NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHINGGGG

round three is redeads. i am afraid of some things actually

im not getting jumped. i am NOT getting jumped. ive been playing this game for 200 hours and they havent got close enough to jump me yet i AM NOT GETTING JUMPED.

oh my god this music is AMAZINGGGG

AND I DIDN'T GET JUMPED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROUND FOUR!!!!! bring it bring it bring it

BOSS RUSH?

oh my god no...NOOOO my besties.........

i'm alone again :( and with seven minutes until my sword recharges...

ah. i can't save here

oh my god THERE HE IS!!!!!!

the music...

dehydrated voice is so much better

OHHHH MY GOD HE DRANK SOME WATER.....THIS IS FROM THE TRAILERS........

does he have black nail polish on his fingers AND TOES? get it girl

THEY REVIVIED MY MASTER SWORD.......

zelda's with me 😭😭😭 this one's for you babygirl

this music is so quiet and sinister wtf...........

is he. IS HE FLURRY RUSHING ME??

THAT'S MY TRICK, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.........

phase one DOWN. eat gibdo bone my guy

DEMISE FORM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM ABSOLUTELY WAILING THEYRE PLAYING THE OOT GANONDORF MUSIC LIKE IM GENUINELY WELLING UP

HIS HEALTH BAR?????????????????????????????????????????

TULIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! right as the botw theme plays omg

YUNOBOOOOOO

SIDON AND RIJU.........ONE MORE

AND MINERU!!!! there she IS!!!!! six on one babey

HALFWAY THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cutscene reward

no no no not my besties again

DID HE JUST BREAK MY HEARTS FR???

ohhh the calamity ganon theme!!!

hylian shield badly damaged. GREAT.

i can't get him with my sword. he always does that slowmo thing backwards. but i CAN get him with my lynel bow and gibdo arrows >:)

she died as she lived: running away from the bad guy and shooting at him over her shoulder

GOT HIS ASS!!!!!

OHHHH HE'S GONNA SWALLOW IT...........

i knew this was coming bc of spoilers but it's still incredible. that man just put his whole fist down his throat 😳

compare that to the dainty way zelda swallowed hers lol...

DID THIS MF JUST EAT ME???

wait...his dragon form...is just the calamity???

TIME?? LOOP??????????????

the tune from the trailers........

oh my god okay he's a normal dragon. i was about to start having heart palpitations

i just STRAIGHT UP. for real burst into tears. i have to pause

zelda came to help me................................you go 200 hours thinking she doesn't know or remember you but she RESCUED me she CAUGHT ME.........she's so little compared to him oh god.......

AM I CONTROLLING HER?? WE'RE FLYING TOGETHER...........

accidentally jumped off.

THE MUSIC. THE SAXOPHONE. I'D GIVEN UP ON EVER SEEING IT AGAIN THAT'S GOTTA BE MY MF BINGO

i'm literally crying too much to fight him rn

oh man landing on his back hurts me...how tf am i supposed to get him

one weak spot down. three to go. she literally catches me...literally there's saxophone...

two more! every time she catches me i start bawling again. this is so embarrassing like there are literally tears on my face as i play this. i didn't know she was gonna do that. i knew he turned into a dragon but i didn't know she was gonna help me

she is literally still in there after 10,000 years. her 100 in hyrule castle must feel like nothing in comparison

man and him in the ouroboros position every time...

BLOOD MOON????

RIGHT INTO HIS FOREHEAD JUST LIKE WIND WAKER

bro i am FUCKING sobbing

dark beast ganon theme.

HOLY SHIT...THE EXPLOSION....IS EVERYBODY OKAY??????

oh my god oh my GOD...THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE HER

ARE GONNA CHANGE HER BACK

his arm..............

I CAUGHT HER.......FINALLY.......CATHARSIS...................

IN HIS AAAAAARMS

OH GOD FI......

quest status find princess zelda: complete. i'm losing it. i found her. fucking found her.

she's HOME.

CREDITS ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im trying to collect myself during this time. when i say i am fucking sobbing i am not exaggerating. i am boohoo wailing with tears rolling down my fucking face. legend of zelda tears of ME because of this GAME!!!!!!!

i dont even care that they broke the lore. ok i do care a lot actually but whatever. whatever.

THE CREDITS ARE SO GOOD..........all the shots of link touching people's hands!!!!!!!!!!

AND THEIR HANDS FIXING ZELDA.....

AND CATCHING HERRRRRRRRR

the end...........

OH POST CREDITS CUTSCENE.......

mineru....there goes mom #4, twice

NOOOO IF SHE CRIES IM GONNA GET STARTED AGAIN

oh my god. that was amazing

this is my first time seeing the title screen. i haven't closed the game once since may 12

oh my god that was AMAZING. i am sitting here in total awe!!!!!!!

NOW i can finally enjoy zeldatube again.....i can hear all the theories........i can pirate this mf SOUNDTRACK HOLY SHIT. but first i gotta update my bingo board

wow. what a game

[imminent-danger-came]

hi! im the anon that left a really long ask about misogyny in the lmk fandom lol (İ dont have a response completely written yet, while İ do have more to talk about on the subject İ feel like a lot of it might come off as repetitive, also my ask draft is like twice as long as the first ask LOL) but ive seen you talk about about thinking about watching revolutionary girl utena on here and if you havent watched it yet id really reccomend watching it! it has a lot of the same themes as lmk (and utdr which is also something ive seen you talk about! (btw id like to hear your thoughts on utdr if you want to talk about it on here!)) so i think youd like it if you watched it! İm going to try to be vauge abt themes and topics discussed in rgu for the sake of spoilers (also i dont want to present the idea that theres a "correct interpretation" of utena because i feel like thats reductive to the narrative the show presents), but i do want to say that if you do decide to watch it you should really take a look at its trigger warnings. utena as a show does go into some very dark topics and themes and has a laundry list of content warnings that İ dont think is worth skipping . İ think it handles them well for a 90's tv show but İ think it should be mentioned regardless. i also think that something that you should know before going into it is just how much it relies on a symbolic narrative in the sense that if you arent interested in analyzing it then you probably wont get as much from the show just because of how surreal it is, İ dont think this makes rgu a worse story at all (in fact İ think it makes it better because i lets it take into account different audience interpretations and opens the room up for a lot of different analysis) BUT its something id keep in mind before watching the show lol (also i think that if you watch rgu and you like it, another thing you'd probably like is omniscent readers viewpoint! im not great at summarizing things so im not going to go too in depth on it, theres a good summary on tumblr by the user ot3 that İ think is good. my personal take on it from where İ am in the novel is that its basically like if you put lmk and utdr into a blender and then made that into a novel... (theres also a webtoon adaptation but imo its kind of bad bad)) anyway İ hope you havent watched rgu already or else this ask will be really embarassing lol.

tldr: lesbian swordfight anime is Cool and you should watch it it totally wont change you as a person ahah a

No I totally haven't watched rgu yet! I just reblog some of the stuff I see for future me who has

I totally want to though (the content warnings aren't anything that squick me), it seems interesting and you know I love me some symbolism and a meta-narrative that wants you to engage with it on a higher level. And also lesbians

[chim-aera]

I think I learned from my mother

I think I learned from my mother, early, what was love was. or at least what it was to her. she dismissed it, usually, "do you still love me?" I was shaking and six, I'd ask after every argument between her and my father, she'd tell me yes, or to stop crying, depending on the depth of her own wounds.

I think I learned from mother how to accept love.

she shunned my father's shriveling, sordid, slimy, grasping, clutching affections. flicked it off her blade with a grimace of disgust. now whenever anyone grows close enough I don the same armor she wore. It's too big for me, ill fitting and bulky, but it keeps me safe.

It keeps me safe.

I think I learned from my mother how to love.

she never held my father's hand, except the rare moments I was between them, with small, pudgy little child hands. the sadness in her eyes, the grief, the anger. she loved all consuming blazing bright like a dying comet or dull and cold and nothing.

I dont think I know how to love.

maybe it is my fault, maybe I'm some dramatic half awake bastard lifting my head to see the starlight and only commenting on air pollution. maybe I'll never learn how to love. how I'm thrown into fits of biting, clawing, writhing fury, snapping my jaws at anyone who gets too close. or falling into myself bruised, and aching, like a fruit held in too firm hands, cradling my heart in my palms like a wounded finch how terribly I want to crush it, to make the soft beats fade to silence, to destroy my own softness, or what's left of it, but I wont finish the world's duty. I wont be a coward. even if I hate the foolishness. the longing. the yearning. I hate it. How I'd spit out the petals as the roses and hydrangeas choke my diaphragm suffocating me in saccharine syrup bloody and thick, I cough and expell my own lungs, how my heart beat is nothing but the brief pitter patter, always wrong, always too fast, aching, squeezing, never enough. a dull reminder of what could've been, what will never be.

I want to be loved but I run away screaming bloody murder at the sight of true affection, how I'd most likely fight or flee when dealt with a gentle hand. how I'd rather taken cruelty a strange cold conundrum, how someone wraps a hand around my throat and I'll grin and spit out a tooth, how it reminds me of home, and it makes me sick.

I'm ruined, I'm broken, I'm tired. but fuck it, I still exist. I function somehow and sometimes that thought alone that I'm doomed to perpetually exist yet perpetually never be alright is enough to make me want to scream at whatever sick god created me.

yes I am my father's child.

we're all broken smiles, fading, dying laughter, crooked grins, and liac lies.

how my mother brushes off love as a fool's dream, as fiction, how my father clings to it like the medicine in the venom, like a succubus, grasping for affection as a dying breath rattles in its lungs, hungry, needy, lonesome, starving.

I was born hungry, I was born starved.

perhaps that why I still exist, because I'd rather set myself on fire then use someone else to keep me warm. I am not my mother's mistakes I am not my father's sins.

so I'll keep running, or folded into myself like a snake awaiting springtime. coiled and curving and cold, calculating my arrival with a clever half assed presumption.

I am here anyways.

I do not know how to love, perhaps I never will, who cares! life exists, the sky is lavender, I'm still bitter!

not much has changed yet everything has.

I wont lick love off knives, I will use my own fingers to draw down the pomegranate and let it tumble and wither to the ground.

swallowing no seeds, no blood red juice staining my lips.

I'll go laughing like an antichrist.

like a thesis, like an enigma, like a thought, all flittering and fluttering.

I do not want to be loved, I want to be destroyed.

or seen.

or both.

but for now, I am neither.

and for now, I will be.

[fipindustries]

weird inchoate throughts incoming:

i noticed the way i infodump about something im deeply into tends to be a bit different from how other people do it and this might be a product of me masking, i dont know. but now a days i tend to be more reserved about this stuff than i used to be when i was younger. i try to stay away from just word vomiting everything i know and/or might find interesting about the topic, but rather try to curate the information and the way im presenting it as if i was pitching it.

rather than merely exposit im almost trying to sell the concept, im trying to make sure it has at least a shadow of the same emotional impact that it had on me when i first discovered it, im almost trying to reverse engineer the experience i had learning about the thing for the first time. so that they can GET IT, so that they can feel it in their bones what i felt, so that they can see not just what it is but WHY i care so much about it, so that they care a little bit as well and they dont think im a weirdo for talking non stop at them about something they dont care about.

im trying to get them invested

in order to do this i try to stay away from merely rapid fire exposition, this isnt an oral exam or a memorization test, this is a story that i am about to tell. i will keep firmly in mind what is merely tecnical minutia that wont contribute to selling the idea and what are the emotional keystones to get the listener hooked, i will try to cold read my audience a bit to see what tone to strike, how much energy to put into my tone, what thing to emphazise, what things to leave by the wayside.

the first thing ill keep in mind is that i will try my best to make this a conversation, which means that instead of launching on a 40 minutes long monologue, ill try to structure it as questions and answers. every time the conversation goes back to me and i launch on a fifteen minute rant about something i am directly and very pointedly adressing the question the other person asked. this helps the whole thing stay focused, structured and most important, interesting for the person listening to me. they are getting something they want from me and i get to feel smart by being able to explain whatever the other person wants to know about this vast world i hold inside of me.

there is a downside to this which is that im very dependant on the other persons full willingness to paticipate and keep the conversation going. but the upside of that is that the times it happens i know for a fact the other person is actually paying attention and interested in what i have to say

when i introduce the idea for the first time i try to reduce it to its most fundamental essntials, as quick and succint as i can make it while still communicating the very core of the concept. i try to make it concentrated and flavorful, promising depths and complexities beneath if the interlocutor is ever interested in plundering its dpths with me and if they bite, that is when the dumping starts.

a common mistake i see is people going on and on about details that are not relevant for the overall conveyance of the experience, it will just dizzy and confuse the listener trying to keep all details straight without knowing what is the main take away from it all. i will forego using too many names, opting for general labels like "this dude" or "the blue chick" or "the weird one i told you about". ill refer to previous events like "the big fuck up" or "that party" and so on and such.

i will make liberal use of hands and body gestures, ill put on a fun one-girl theatre show extravanganza, ill make voices and faces. ill re tell certain bits in a much more exagerated and overacted way because that way its a bit funnier and more engaging to listen to when coming from a person talking. ill pause, ill create dramatic tension, retell my own reactions that i had when i got to a certain part.

i will also try to highly structure the whole thing, if im about to embark on a tangent or a quick aside that is vital to get context i will make sure the listener knows this, ill put a pin on what i was saying, lay some sign boards on the ground and once we rejoin the main narrative ill make it explicit that that is what we are doing.

i have been told im really good at explaining things, i like to think is one of my talents, definetly is a thing i had a lot of practisce in. this is the first time i actually sat down to examine what is it that i do to get these results

[dballzposting]

- I dont remmeber what was said in the japanese audio but in the english dub, when Goten was on the phone with Palace-chan in GT for the first time that we saw, he said something about how she was the prettiest girl he knew, and then I reemebr him saying verbatim "why havent I told you yet...? Becasue this is the first time since I've known you that you havent had a boyfriend."

- this means that he has known her for at least some time, and they clearly have each others phone number, and we dont know who called whom in this context but we know that they seem fond of just chatting each other up. We dont even know if Goten knew she was available when the phone call started. They could have just been chatting and then the news came out. We don't know anything.

- on their first date we see how naive and sheltered Palace is. She doesnt even know what soft serve ice cream is.

- She is the prettiest girl that Goten knows and we see that she is indeed pretty. Also shes rich

All of these facts lead me to believe that...

- Palace wants to date and has had a lot of boyfriends and shes so rich and pretty that it's not hard for her to get one. However she's so naive I dont think that theres an ounce of self-awareness involved here. She just thinks that people are nice and guys are nice to her becasue they're nice, and becasue shes a lady, but not becasue shes pretty or rich.

- Goten's comment would still hold if she had just had one boyfriend in that time, but walk with me and consider the comedy in the scenario where she has had a string of them.

- We see her on the date with Goten and she doesnt even know what soft serve ice cream is. None of her boyfriends took her out for ice cream. Is this becasue they sucked? Is this becasue shes the one with the money? Perhaps. But I think it's becasue they never had time to becasue..

- Theres No Way that anyone would break up with her. Shes too pretty and rich. This is why I think that shes broken up with every single boyfriend shes had. And it was always for a stupid reason. You think that everything's going good but she goes up to you one day with this sad look on her face. And shes like "I'm sorry. But we have to break up." You ask her why and it's like: the colors of your bikes dont look good together, she misunderstood a comment you had made earlier and she didnt like it, she had found someone cuter, etc etc.

And you try to mollify her and remove the problem ("Palace honey I can paint my bike...!") but she wont budge. Shes inconsollable, she's morose and sad and her hands are clasped and she just keeps shaking her head and saying "I'm sorry. This is what has to happen." and she is genuinely sad about this so you dont understand why it has to happen? But slowly you realize that although shes sad, shes in acceptance. Shes been working through the grief since yesterday night and shes woken up decided today. Shes already accepted that you're broken up now. Theres nothing you can do. Her heart has moved on

- Goten knows this. He knows that shes had a string of boyfriends and that shes broken up with all of them. This does not phase him at all. Hes excited to get in line. This is the FIRST time since hes known her that she hasnt had a boyfriend...! Hes so excited! FINALLY! They chat on the phone occasionally but it's not that in-depth, they see each other occasionally but Palace always has a boyfriend who hogs all the attention, Goten is READY to get in line and get his heart broken! Woo-hoo! Yeah!!!

- They get along really well and they enjoy dating each other and they actuslly domt break up. Maybe they almost did for some stupid reason, or maybe even a legitimate reason, like Palace picked up that Goten's mom really wants him to just settle down and start a family already, and Palace is not ready to move to the mountainside and do that, so this registers as a deal breaker for her .. but she really likes Goten & they seem to understand each other & when she tries to break up with him shes not in acceptance like she was the other times becasue she still really likes him & this is a difficult thing to accept & the tears are still fresh & since she hasnt emotionally moved on, hes able to convince her that it's gonna be fine & they dont need to get married anytime soon & he just likes being with her & dont worry about all that.

Or something. Who knows. She wasnt on screen much and I havent finished GT

[fraener]

9/8/2024

long day of laying down until a flurry of activity with work and coming home and speaking to my loved ones on the phone. dinner bubbling away on the stove and the aching icelike creak of the burner heating and cooling is rhythmic. fighting now to find the good. i spent so much of the day crying in bed unable to move under the weight of knowing the truth about it, that h just cant understand me and doesnt or cant make the effort to do so. i keep feeling like theres just no point in even telling him why im upset because i think if i do hell either feign ignorance or really just not get it. i feel tricked and cheated all the time because of how he likes to play dumb and hide things from me. he just doesnt trust me and so in turn its impossible for me to trust him. although, instead of sending me into the outward insecurity spiral where id be begging for attention and rushing after him, it makes me disgusted and disappointed and hurt and withdrawn. i told him i didnt want to see him today and he stopped responding to my texts. saw his car at the dispensary on my way home and felt my stomach drop just a little, like i didnt like him being so close to my house. im grateful to live somewhere now it would be much more obvious if he came to look in my windows. i think i feel the edge underneath which i could pull and topple it all, and every time i feel that sharp little ledge i choose not to lift. similarly, there doesnt seem any point in ending it, because i have nothing better to do. i lost my faith in the satisfaction of telling people exactly what thyeve done wrong so they have to face the truth of it. or, faith in the satisfaction of ending it. i wonder when passivity becomes cruel and when it is that i should choose to do hard kindnesses. tomorrow i want to be better, today was only getting good towards the end. spouts and lids today at work, next 3 classes ill encourage them to modify their forms and try new things. i have work wednesday and i forgot...its good i wont go to the city after all. starting a new 101 class, teaching them back to back. soon my schedule will be just mondays and tuesdays off, then for a little while i think it may be just mondays off, then sundays and mondays if i am careful. it isnt hard to work at the ceramics studio, often welcome reprieve at the end of my darker days. ive moved and started a new job and somehow nothing has changed. i am feeling so many different griefs right now. tomorrow i hope bg can lift my spirits. for now im tired.

but i think i should say s confessed hes never had any attraction to me. from that point i think i am seeing him truer without hope in the way, or fantasy, or whatever it is. he is so so dear to me. we get closer every day and i am so glad to know him. ive really gotten to a new level or depth with both him and f, it feels beyond any love ive known no matter what the shape of relationship. somehow more intimate than a lover, more patient and understanding than family, more dedicated than a friend. for this i can be grateful, for the continued care of c's garden, my very very strange new life which feels like an odd and unknowable pitstop that i am afraid of but dont need to fear. i talked to kk on the phone today too- briefly, about ceramics, about our students. there is love for me in the world, i have love for it too. its so sad to me that a year ago i wrote that i felt h was far from me and i didnt know how much longer wed be together. so odd weve survived this long in our terrible purgatory state. as i said a year ago, i thought wed be closer by now. c'est la vie.

[logisticalandrewthinks-blog]

Rebirth

Feel like i gotta put an edgy title, even if I'm not feeling as edgy at this moment in time. its been a little while, a little over two years in fact, last i posted was August 7th 2022, now its August 30 2024.

I've graduated university now, and was lucky enough to have snagged a job before I finished that pays decent and has alright upward mobility. I'm wondering if I should feel happy now or if that will come later? it feels all a little too empty. Although I am not in the depths of despair that I used to always be in when I posted on here, i am feeling slightly empty on is this all life is now. I'm moving in with Hung next year, so theres that to look forward to, and also the Japan trip is finally happening, of which I have done my best to plan and organise, I realise now that if I want to do something, I should organise it, otherwise nobody will do it, since the people I tend to surround myself with are very low maintenance people who therefore aren't really planners much with the exception of like Kass I guess, who enjoys this sort of thing of being organised and planning for things. But I do have Japan to look forward to I guess, I am excited for that, but a part of me does wonder if all I will do now in life is just make money so that I can go on holiday, and then work, then go on holiday. I dont really have many aspirations to own a house or even relationship stuff much at the moment, though next year maybe ill try to date again to see if im any different to it, and if im alright to date now. Its more that in my future I see other people getting together with other people, and i feel like i should follow suit, like i should have myown person that im with too, since at a certain point of our lives i assume we wont see eachother as much since they'll be preoccupied with their significant others.

All this talk of is this all life amounts to and tangentially being related to that, the worth and happiness of a life made me go back and read an old manga that I really liked when i first read it back in the day called "I sold my life for ten thousand yen per year." which is about a guy who does just what the title says, he sells his remaining life til just three months, since he has nothing to live for but not a lot of money, so why not live a few months in luxury at least. I won't regurgitate the entire story but its worth a read again future Andrew if you're still there, thats quite touching and gets you thinking about the worth and happiness of a life.

This is probably the most mentally healthy I've ever typed into my blog, materialistically things are looking up for me, I'm gonna be making decent starting wage with benefits at a (allegedly) good company, Ill be doing hybrid so work from home some days and work in office other days. I have a group of friends online that i frequently join the voice calls daily to hang out and game if that occurs or watch things. These extend to real life too, seeing friends in real life and interacting with them. Its all going in a way, materialistically very well, and yet I can't help but feel, "is this it?". Like am I supposed to just do this for another 40 years til I retire, to then just rot away and die?

Something I did do this year which I really enjoyed was travelling, I went to morocco with oogin + HABS people which was an amazing short trip, a 8/10 experience could only be made better if we were there longer, paris with chrystal and josh 💀 was a 5/10 but mainly cause of being a third wheel of a couple that I don't think should be together, maybe I'll keep a record of their thing later if I can be bothered, and also went to the peak district to try outdoor climbing for the first time, and then to manchester recently for a wellness chec kinda thing for chrystal, since she always visited us but we never visited her but i said i wanted to, so i said fuck it ill organise it, when are you guys off and so 4 of us went up north to manchester for two days. But all this to say, I really do enjoy travelling, I finally understood why those hippie sorts of people spend their entire lives travelling, I used to think oh it must get so tiring and so boring so fast, wouldnt you want to just sit down and chill? but you can! you can sit down and chill underneath a blanket of stars, or sit by a warm fire, and just look out into the distant deserts of morocco. I really enjoy travelling and I hope to do a lot more this next year.

Something else i took up in the last two years is bouldering, its a hobby that i genuinely enjoy, I've been climbing for two years, on and off, (maybe like 6 months total where i didnt climb so technically one and a half years) but its what inspired me to then go outdoor bouldering with puru armaan and yossi which was a fun trip, though it was humbling how difficult it is! currently I can climb v4-v5 indoors but i could barely only climb V0+ outdoors, which is like beginner grading, which is pathetic 😭 hopefully next time will be better.

I'm not really here to say much else, If i think of something Ill post again soon, but its 8 am and ive stayed up all night to watch LE SSERAFIM's comeback "CRAZY" which is really fucking good. Thats another thing I've done in the last two years, is gone back to my kpop roots cept this time i have the disposable income to irresponsibly spend money on merch and albums for LE SSERAFIM. the music and obsession as a hobby has really helped though, it gets me through the hard times seeing the behind the scenes and watching the live streams and hearing them talk about their lives. Bias is Miyawaki Sakura since I already kinda was biased for her in IZONE when she streamed gaming content on youtube and made videos for gaming.

I would say to end this post that LE SSERAFIM and Bouldering funnily enough have saved me, in the last two years. Two years ago i was hurt fairly badly by people who i thought i was close to, though perhaps i never was since its an online friendship, how close can a online friendship be? obviously an online friendship can be very close, but it depends alot, and it seems perhaps this was not one of those times. I dont recall if i ever actually outlined what happened from my point of view as a record, so maybe ill do that. haha i always say ill write these things and never get round to doing it. it does help somewhat though, clear my thoughts by writing in this blog, so i really should do it more often, maybe now im more mentally well ill do it???? who knows. we shall see in the next one.

I shall leave with le sserafims latest song that got released 4 hours ago, which is the cuntiest thing i have heard in a while, and will defo be a bop to remember, and so future andrew!! relearn your roots!!! go back to listening to le sserafim and rest up!!!

[veethefreeelf]

hello I just wanted to say that you’re writing is amazing! I’m gonna have fun binge reading all of your work! I love how you detailed you write your fics and how you go so in depth about everything! Thank you for your work!!!!! ♥️♥️

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

I spend a lot of time on my fics and I try to make them as detailed as possible because it’s the only way I can truly relate to the fic and love it

I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR YOU LOVE THE DETAILING AND THE DEPTH CAUSE SOMETIMES IM WRITING AND IM THINKING IM BEING WAAAAAAAAY TOO DETAILED WITH THINGS PEOPLE WONT CARE ABOUT BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO WRITE WITHOUT DETAIL 😭😭😭😭😭

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTING ME AND ENJOYING MY WORKS 💗💗💗

I’ll keep working hard 😇🫡

CHEERS 🥂

[snaileo]

Question: where does Hoshie stand in your vision of Umaroshi? Did Hiroshi feel that Hoshie got in the way or was he just being cordial and letting Umaturo decide to have his family with Hoshie and your ship comes to fruition later because Hiroshi wants Umaturo to not be alon and Hiroshi can finally having his dreams come true? I guess I want to know what Hiroshi thought about Tenma wanting a wife in the manga, is it something emotionally menacing or something more empathetic?

well to start off - no i dont think hiroshi ever thought hoshie got in the way, i feel that hiroshi doesnt have the confidence to act on his feelings toward umataro, at least in a more direct way.

Umataro's happiness is something Hiroshi wants and Umataro is VERY set on his goal of a wife and kid, and Hiroshi wants umataro to achieve his dreams - hell i wouldnt be surprised if Hiroshi was the one who urged Hoshie to act on her feelings, or hinted to Umataro about her. maybe hiroshi saw himself in hoshie. I say this because of ATB episode 6 (which was filler but had depth to it that I can apply here) where Hiroshi tells Motoko that "Umataro will always be racing out ahead of me. You could say that I'm the one who makes sure the road is ready. I'd like to finish crafting the ideal road for him"

Well we see what he thinks when you put more thought into it, hes happy for Umataro to have this dream, and I think that hes hoping he can be apart of this family he has in mind. I mean HE WILL like umataro wouldnt exclude him from this, but that hiroshi wants to be apart of it in a more substantial, meaningful way as opposed to we are best friends with our own families and we see each other. at least thats how hiroshi sees it, and expresses it, not wanting to let out that he WANTS to raise a kid with him.

We know that hiroshi will keep things to himself and suffer in silence, we see him do it a couple of times over the course of ATB and it usually deals with things he cant tell tenma. so of course hes gonna be agonizing about his feelings towards him, mourning a life he wants but cant have (well he doesnt know if he cant have it because he wont be more direct and sees how much tenma wants this dream of his and doesnt want to get in the way)

this is already too long so i wont go into the many ways hiroshi finally acts on his feelings/what circumstances led to it (hell i had like 8 google docs each outlining chapters for a comic i never finished due to severe burnout-which-considering everything i may never get back too since ATB changed so much lol)

Hiroshi is happy that Umataro is happy is how im gonna end it - even tho i 100% can run with all the hiroshi unrequited love angst >:) and by god i WILL run with it