#i would like to reiterate that i just think i'm made of ghosts

[tuverras]

late but happy halloween <3 i will have you know that i still very much feel like a haunted house

[roxannepolice]

Getting stuff out of my system so maybe I can sleep. So obviously I loved The Giggle and loved the Toymaker, but as a Thoschei shipper I can't express how important it is to me how impersonal the Toymaker was about the whole thing and while my dreams of old men making out have not been realied, the ghost of the Master hanging over the episode really emphasised that. Like, welcome home cheater jokes are great and I was getting lowkey irritated by how both the fans and the writers were making ALL of the Master's actions about the Doctor.

But I was also worried that with a campy game loving villain that would also have a love hate obsession with and resentment for the Doctor, RTD would basically say behold the Master only +++ this obviously had nothing to do with CC giving the Doctor a literal speech about being better than the Master introducing a Dia de los Muertos villain that has soooo much history with the Doctor but is also soooo very powerful and then reiterating that the Master hates themself and only wants to be the Doctor but can't because of essentialism posing as existentialism. nothing whatsoever.

But no. Again, I am a bit tired of the Master being presented mainly as not-Doctor and I do think that if Ten didn't timelock the Tardis, they wouldn't have chosen their pet planet specifically, but compare Saxon's No. This is my turn. Revenge. Best. Served. Hot. to the Toymaker's cold Best of three. Compare the Master drawing pleasure from playing Satan the accuser about humans-turned-toclafane to the Doctor specifically because it's their pet species to the Toymaker being himself attracted to humans because of their nature sth sth Johan Huizinga sth sth homo ludens and play as the foundation of culture sth sth 2001: SO with bone and ball sth sth murder as kickstarter of culture and play as kickstarter of culture. Look at Ten's addendum of If that's what you want to the offer he makes the Master in s3, emphasising that he wants to understand what is it that the latter is after, and at Fourteen's certainty that the Toymaker really is only after games.

Don't get me wrong, I'm far from throwing monogamy at either the Doctor or the Master and they probably both made out with the Toymaker, both individually and menage a trois. But if after literal weeks of holding my breath for an actual cameo I leave the episode fully sated after a gold tooth and laughing sounds and people from outside my Davy Jones' Locker stuck ghost ship notice it too, then I'd say RTD did some really good job hanging the Master's ghost over the story. And that was not just to fan serve. It also made a point about the differences between those relationships.

[meenawrites]

What are your Ronal and Spider headcanons? : 3

Can't believe I didn't see this until now!!!

Thank you SO MUCH for asking!

I think I've talked about this a little bit before, but I'll reiterate a few things.

I think Ronal's experience with the Sully's and then the RDA have deeply changed her and would have a great effect on how she would view/interact with Spider.

I think she would be incredibly wary of him at first, ready to jump at any reason to drive him away. But I think that instinct would be cut short or at least dampened by seeing how Kiri interacts with him. Kiri loves him fiercely and I think that would be very transparent in how she interacts with Spider. We got a brief view in ATWOW of Ronal recognizing and acknowledging Kiri's connection with Eywa, so I'm sure she would take Kiri's appraisal of Spider into great consideration.

I think she would be more open to him because of that.

Additionally, let's remember that Spider is a kid, probably not much older than her own children, he's small as well compared to them, and he speaks fluent Na'vi. Most everything about the way he acts and speaks is very Na'vi, and that definitely wouldn't escape her sharp senses.

Basically I'm saying all this because this is how I rationalize her coming to accept Spider and maybe eventually adopt him, especially after being informed of or noticing his lack of parents in any way, shape, or form, and how oddly independent he is.

So headcanons for Ronal and Spider:

I think she would definitely do a lot of self-care with Spider. Like she would take care of his hair for him, actually teach him what hairstyles worked with his hair type and what oils to use to make it shine or protect it from the seawater.

After noticing how burnt and dry his skin is getting from constant sun exposure, I'd imagine she'd freak out a little bit because that doesn't really happen to Na'vi. She'd probably be fussing over him and demanding someone summon Norm quite angrily because she's upset about lacking so much knowledge about her new human son. Then, after hearing about the problem and maybe insisting that Norm or some other scientist give her a whole picture of human anatomies and limitations on Pandora, she would use her experience and knowledge as Tsahik to concoct creams or oils that will protect Spider's skin from the sun and keep it moisturized and hydrated and take care of his burns.

Ronal seems like the type of person who would really enjoy silent quality time with her kids. I feel like she and Spider would sit and do crafts together in silence, like weaving nets or shawls, carving songcord beads, preparing meals, etc. I imagine she'd be quite impressed with what Spider's small fingers can do and how precise he can be. She'd probably wear something he made and kind of wait to receive compliments about the fine craftsmanship and just grin internally.

I think Ronal's love language isn't as much overt physical affection. I feel like she'd just be the type to be very observant and just appear with what you need. Like your stomach growled? Instantly has a plate of fruit for you. You look a little cold? A shawl is wordlessly draped over your shoulder. She'd be the type to nag that you're dressed too lightly or tsk at your hairstyle and immediately bring it upon herself to fix it herself. So I think she fusses over Spider a lot and he feels incredibly loved for it.

Not to say that she would never display physical affection. I think she'd briefly squeeze Spider's shoulder when passing by him or ghosting a hand across his head or pushing his hair away from his face, etc. Grounding touches as well if he seems lost in his own mind or when she can tell he's beating himself up over something he shouldn't be.

Ronal would definitely give him a new name or additional name. I think Spider would keep Spider just because of how long he's been called that? And I think he likes it as well. I imagine if he didn't he would have picked out a brand new name for himself long ago. But maybe a middle name or bequeath him with her family name.

She's be SUPER protective of him, especially around Neytiri and Jake. Like she hears he's remotely in their vicinity and she is already on her way there with a snarl on her face.

I'm also still trying to figure out exactly what their dynamic would be like, but those are my current thoughts. If anyone has any other ones, please let me know!

[raayllum]

i feel like a way Rayla could realise her self sacrifice issue was bad was if she put herself in danger to save someone and it was all in vain and she ended up injured for nothing and callum’s yelling at her is a wake up call

thoughts?

The tricky thing about Rayla - and indeed why I think her issues are so like, persistent - is because it wouldn't surprise if the scenario you've laid out above is exactly what happened to her during the timeskip to evoke the "We can't save everyone, there's too much at stake" reaction to the drake, and if anything it just made her Worse off, instead

Cause I feel like in a situation like that, Rayla would just internalize it as "I failed to protect them because I'm not good enough," and not necessarily "I need to stop biting off more than I can chew and let people help me" / that she's worthy of that sort of help. Cause self worth issues like Rayla tends to rest on an inherent belief that there's something Wrong with her. Not just with what she does, but inherently with what she is, that she's fundamentally flawed in a way that other people just Aren't. It's not a belief based on reality and is far from fair, but it is an exceedingly common one

We actually kind of see this perfectly illustrated in 1x08, in which both the boys 'mess up' to a degree, and Rayla reassures them back to back

Callum: Ugh. I'm sorry my plan was a mess! Rayla: Nah, your plan was fine! Our execution was a little off. Ezran: I'm so sorry I messed up the plan. Rayla: Ah, you should cut yourself a break. Everyone messes up sometimes.

And then later that very same episode, when Ezran tries to offer Rayla some reassurance/leeway, and Callum in 1x09 reiterates that it's not her fault, Rayla initially steamrolls over both of them and fully over Callum trying to assuage her guilt: "That shouldn't have mattered. I had a job to do" / "No, I should have trusted you. Things only went wrong because we kept fighting." "I let you both down. I let the world down."

Because, according to Rayla, she messes up all the time, and kinda believes she always will. She doesn't really think she can free the dragon and make it out alive, which is probably what it would take for a mission to be deemed 'successful' (and is very Runaan "sacrifice" of her). She doesn't really think she's going to come back after leaving in TTM, either ("I wish I could say that we'll see each other again, but I don't know. I hope so").

She's the assassin and the protector who can't successfully protect anyone. She's the one who spent two years searching for Viren and Claudia and got defeated enough to eventually come home, only to realize they really were out there and she just couldn't find them. She couldn't catch the pouch containing her parents' coins; she couldn't keep Callum safe. She's the defect. The traitor, the liar. The Ghost. The mistake.

So like, what does Rayla need to realize then?

That she can succeed and won't inevitably fail (may be achieved by successfully saving Callum, emotionally/physically, from Aaravos' brainwashing)

That even if she does fail, it's okay and it's okay for her to make a mistake (arguably the more important one) and that she doesn't have to Punish herself for them (or anyone else's mistakes) either

That not everything, even her failures, are universally her fault, and learning to distinguish between her failures, mistakes, and things that couldn't be helped either way

That it is okay, if anything better, for her to accept help and to lean on other people, and that it's okay (even if it's not ideal) for them to want to protect her

Tying into that, regardless of whether she succeeds or fails, she has worth and is worthy of love - that she doesn't have to and shouldn't have to do everything alone

That it is okay to stay and want things for herself

She's got a long road ahead, clearly, but I am confident that she can get there. I always have been, ever since S1 began to show the fractures, and S3 blew them wide open, and I cannot wait to get to see her start healing

[fratricideknight]

i'm sorry to rant about the angels in spn again (see original thread here - i'm tired of me, too, for the record) but i feel i made some concessions in that thread which i shouldn’t have, because people made some really good points and i kind of got side-tracked from my original point. once again, feel free to give me your thoughts, whether you agree or disagree. i finally learned how to add cuts, so click to read more :D

one of the reasons i love season 1 so much is because, in my opinion, it is the closest approximation to what spn was supposed to be. scrambled urban legends which our heroes have to untangle (e.g. Bloody Mary and the many myths around her) and uncertain folklore. take the episodes 'Phantom Traveler' and 'Skin', for example. in the former, demons are said to come in many different forms and this particular one to function like the initiator of a natural disaster which has adapted to the times. you're "wide open to demonic possession" if you're emotionally distressed, rather than just anyone being possessed. so cool!! the latter is a spin on the well-known idea of shapeshifters. the audience knows generally what to expect, but spn establishes its own unique, awesome lore. shapeshifters literally SHED THEIR SKIN, they don't just look like their target they become them, they need to keep their target alive for a psychic connection so they can download their thoughts and memories. so damn cool fr. even 'Bugs', a "bad" episode (spoiler alert: it's really not), had the super cool concept of curses tied to the land which the boys can't break, almost like the natural disasters of the supernatural world, which the two random guys we call our protagonists are not equipped to deal with. even by season 2, some of this has been lost. rather than establishing unique lore, the monster of the week episodes become more about using the same old lore in different and fun ways. e.g. sam and dean hunt a ghost while in prison, they investigate ghosts which are being controlled on a movie set. even when they introduce new monsters (djinn, zombies, the trickster, people infected with the croatoan virus, werewolves), they're used more for story purposes and we don't really learn all that much about them. the exception i guess would be the crossroads deals, which warranted explaining since john sold his soul for dean and dean would later do the same for sam. using lore in creative ways is very much a good thing, but these episodes rarely build much on the lore itself, just put the characters in unique situations; again, that's a good thing, but you can do both! more of season 2 goes towards plot episodes - and i'm not complaining, the plot is awesome! but i wish they kept the season 1 lore stuff up. it makes me think of that post which says "what is lore in supernatural if not just any book sam reads" and yeah. just yeah. bring back tulpas and friends!

now for how this ties into the angels: as per the original thread, they could have been super creepy! they were certainly not used to their full potential in the horror department. however, i will reiterate my opinion: they do not work with the original idea of spn. adding them turned it into a different show. even if they're made to be creepy and straight-up evil, there is baggage which will inevitably be dragged into the show with their inclusion. who in the world doesn't know at least a little about and have preconceived notions of angels? not many people, and most of those people would not be watching spn. the same could be said of ghosts and demons, but there is a religious baggage inherent to angels which cannot be avoided. even demons can be somewhat separated from their religious roots, especially if they turn out to not be demons at all (theory here). and, like i said, the show and its characters were not supposed to deal with religion beyond the spectre of it, sam having faith and dean not. their (lack of) faith informed their decisions, but neither of them were wrong or right in their beliefs, just at odds. the world should have felt claustrophobic while also being too intricate to fully understand and retaining a sense of mystery, and season 1 achieved this the best with some of the most complex and interesting lore in the show and the small stakes and small scale. get the cosmic beings out of my face, eric; no you cannot have angels if they just turn out to be dicks! i know better than you and i am gnawing on your bones.

[heartofspells]

Masterpost

@wolfstarmicrofic

Prompt: come down

"Have you heard anything from Lily and James?"

"Not yet."

"But it's been more than a week!"

"The person I spoke with said roughly a week, Sirius. They'll be back when they're back."

"You did owl them, didn't you? Because if you didn't, how would we ever know?"

Remus sighs, scrubbing over his face with one hand in annoyance. "Yes, I owled them. I promise I owled them," he says, sounding exhausted, and Sirius backs down a little, feeling suddenly guilty. Remus seems to see it and the expression he's wearing falters a bit. "I know you want to figure this out. So do I. Contrary to what you may believe, I don't like this situation anymore than you do. I've lived alone since I left my parents' house, other than Teddy. I was still looking forward to that aspect of life. A flatmate in the form of a gho – " Sirius pins him with a warning glare and Remus stops, though he recovers quickly. "I want to figure this out too, Sirius," he reiterates.

Sirius deflates where he stands, watching Remus scoff down a piece of hastily made toast, clearly in a rush. He'd feel bad for distracting him if it wasn't for the other man nearly calling Sirius a ghost again.

Remus continues racing around, not really engaging in anymore conversation, clearly preoccupied. Sirius watches him, idly slipping needed things into his path in a silent effort to help, Remus not seeming to notice what he's doing. When he makes his way to the front door, swinging his jacket over his arms in a near frenzy, Sirius gazes at him in mild amusement, staring as the man pats himself down and mumbles under his breath.

"Right, I'm off," announces Remus, tone faint and distracted. "It'll likely be a long day, so just…I don't know, wake up on the floor over and over again or something." Sirius' humor retreats and he scowls at the other man, pulling a small chuckle from Remus' throat. "I'll be back eventually."

Remus is gone before Sirius can form a response, his tongue feeling twisted in his mouth. He huffs in frustration, eyes shifting around the flat as the emptiness settles in again, but they stop when they come to rest on the set of keys laying on the small table beside the door. Sirius curses to himself, darting forward to grab them and rushing from the flat before he thinks about it. He pays no attention to the door latching closed behind him as he calls out to Remus, already halfway down the stairs at the end of the corridor.

"Think you might need these," informs Sirius, jingling the keys in front of him.

Remus stares at him blankly for a moment before he pats down his jacket and then rolls his eyes at himself. He takes the stairs two at a time as he returns, snaking the keys from Sirius' hand.

"Thanks," he mumbles, stowing them away in his pocket. His expression turns a bit sly as he gazes back at Sirius. "Not sure why I need them. It's not like you couldn't – "

His words stop abruptly, eyes widening, mouth parting slightly. Sirius frowns, tilting his head in bemusement, watching as Remus' gaze flickers away, staring behind Sirius.

"Are you having a stroke?" he questions, reaching out to poke at Remus' shoulder, but the other man doesn't respond. Sirius grunts. "Really, what's up with you?"

Remus continues to gape at him for a while before he utters in a whisper, "You're out."

Sirius blinks at him, not understanding, his brow furrowing. And then it hits him. He spins on his heels, eyes fixing on the closed door, Sirius rooted on the other side of it and not waking up sprawled over the floor beside his sofa. His mouth works soundlessly, his head shakes back and forth, breath leaving him. Elation surges through him like a tickling fire, but the come down when the questions begin barreling into him full force is a terrible, devastating crash.

[leotanaka]

CAN YOU STOP WITH JORDAN BEING ABUSIVE NOW. IT WAS MERCY. IF HE WANTED TO KILL CAMERON. CAMERON WOULD BE DEAD. HE LEFT SO HE WOULDNT HAVE TO HURT HIM AND CAMERON WOULDNT BE A KILLER.

you know what, anon? this is exactly what jordan would say to cameron in order to justify threatening to kill him TWICE!

i really was just going to delete this like i have the majority of these messages but this one both concerns and bothers me too much so i'm going to answer it because i think you might need a reality check on what exactly happened in that scene.

to answer your question, no! we are not going to stop calling jordan abusive towards cameron because JORDAN IS ABUSIVE TOWARDS CAMERON!

that entire scene was essentially jordan attempting to manipulate and gaslight cameron and when he realised that this time it wouldn't work, that he couldn't psychologically hurt him and force him to comply and do what he wanted him to do or accept what he was saying, he proceeded to force cameron into a kill or be killed situation. 

like, that isn’t jordan going “oh, i’m going to run away so i don’t hurt my son.” type of situation. hurting cameron wasn’t even an option until HE MADE IT AN OPTION. something he did TWICE. cameron quite literally GAVE HIM A CHOICE. if his father really wanted what was best for him like he claimed, he would have given up. surrendered. waved the white flag but jordan didn’t do that, not even for cameron who he said only two episodes prior was the only thing that mattered to him (in the same same episode by the way where we saw him spend a good four minutes manipulating the hell out of cameron) and instead, to reiterate: JORDAN DECIDED TO FORCE CAMERON INTO A KILL OR BE KILLED SITUATION! 

to summarise: when he realised he couldn't manipulate cameron and wasn't powerful enough to stop cameron, he ran away (whether he did that deliberately or it was a result of cameron's powers is completely irrelevant).

now, two points on this:

1) cameron thinks he killed his father.

intentional or self defence - it doesn't make any difference to where cameron's state of mind would be especially given how relentless jordan was in his abuse and how he forced on him that so much of this was his fault, that he was the one doing it. he literally said "don't FORCE me to do what brainwave did to his son" - his first threat of violence towards cameron explicitly pushes that narrative onto cameron. that he's the one doing this. it's his father saying "you're the reason this family is facing persecution again because you trusted courtney." it's his father saying "i could get killed trying to make YOUR life easier and happier and getting justice for YOU" it's his father saying: "if i have to kill you, IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT BECAUSE YOU MADE ME DO THIS!”

do you get how truly fucked up that is? jordan doesn't have to actually physically harm cameron in this moment. it’s not a “cameron would be dead if jordan really wanted to kill him” because what he's saying to him - what he's implying - the mentality he is instilling in cameron's mind in this exact moment is utterly horrific.

it's quite literally: "SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!"

it’s “if i kilI you, it’s YOUR FAULT and if you kiIl me, it’s YOUR FAULT!” 

jordan also explicitly allowed cameron to BELIEVE he had in fact killed him. that he is responsible for killing his own father and jordan was swanning around denmark while cameron's life was falling to pieces because of him AGAIN. this is the second time he allowed cameron to believe he was dead, the first, as indicated by the beginning of the finale demonstrated he had his proper form for at least 9 months. that is 9 months that he allowed cameron to believe he was dead and to grieve him (does ghosting apply here? i'm not sure but if definitely feels like it's what happened) and made no attempt to get back in contact under the guise of protecting him until the moment that cameron was at his most vulnerable. and the fact that he was spying on him, watching him for months means he knew - HE SAW how much cameron was struggling. how much cameron was missing him and grieving and how he was spiralling once his powers started coming through and what his grandmother was putting him through and he still did nothing to help him at any point during this time. 

instead, he made things worse. 

for example; everything that happened between cameron & rick in 3x09. once you know jordan is the one watching everyone that whole fight scene just gets worse because it doesn’t matter whether it was jordan or the ultra humanite or the dragon king who directed the signal to the mahkent house, jordan made his family a target. HE MADE HIS SON A TARGET! and more than that, look at what was done to rick compared to all the others. at the way they guaranteed his addiction to the hourglass and that he would lose control (knowing exactly what happened to his father so knowing something like this was bound to happen), at the way they bided their time and waited until he’d been on it long enough (which just happened to coincide with courtney deciding to tell cameron everything) so when he heard the mahkent’s were spying on everyone, he would effectively snap and go for the kiIl. yes, cameron can fight and yes, he’s powerful enough to take rick on, even in that state but that doesn’t change the fact that he was set up to get hurt - physically, emotionally and mentally and whatever way you look at it, jordan’s plan essentially comprised of loading rick like a weapon and pointing him directly at cameron! 

to reiterate my entire point here: JORDAN DELIBERATELY HURT CAMERON!

2) cameron knows jordan is still alive and out there.

his father threatened to kill him and WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO KILL HIM. whether or not there was an actual attempt is irrelevant because the threat was imminent. it was something that was going to ACTUALLY happen. now, he's out there somewhere and if he's alive and he's out there, guess what? he can come back into cameron’s life again. what would knowing that do to cameron? knowing his father who just threatened his life is out there someone and could come back at any point and HURT HIM AGAIN! 

and jordan didn’t just do it once, he did it TWICE! HE THREATENED TO KlLL CAMERON TWICE in one night! 

neither of these options are good and literally do nothing except HURT cameron!

there is NOTHING MERCIFUL about jordan’s actions! 

[lmelodie]

The Santa Clauses Season 2

It's here! And I have access to it, and all of my drably splintery thoughts on the first two episodes.

As an FYI, all my reviews are gonna be hella spoilery so I'll be doing all the reviewing under read mores and under the tags #TSCS spoilers and #Review2

Oh boy unsolicited thoughts HERE WE GO!

Episode 1:

I gotta say, Fluffy is not a bad character in this so far. Christmas Churros are a gold mine and I'm surprised no one has tried to capitalize on that yet.

Scott immediately assuming that Carol was going to kill Gary says a lot about the both of them and their dynamic that I wish was consistent. I love the idea that Carol is down for murder, keep that in cowards!

I have zero idea why Scott is so uptight about Riley keeping this secret when you literally gave EVERYONE IN THE WORLD MAGIC SNOW GLOBES. Nobody here is doing a good job of keeping any of this secret! No one!

And not the North Pole having a Gaslighting Department. Thats, just actually so funny to me. And you bet your sweet ass that Jack frequents that department, he might be employed there!

And once again to reiterate, these songs breaks are just NOT it. As someone who usually love musicals! The songs are mid at most and are just shoehorned into the most random places. Idk, still not vibing.

But Betty and Noel? STILL TOP TIER. I'll talk about them more in a bit, but they are literally perfect. The Blueprint. Betty and Noel get no notes from me. They made cardboard cutouts of each other's faces, like come on! They're cute as SHIT.

Mad Santa lore? Its aight. I appreciate the franchise trying to carve out its own lore after more than 15 years of inactivity. Its decent lore! For the world that it exists in at least. It's just not my personal cup of tea, and I don't see myself utilizing it in my own stories. But I appreciate that it is there.

And you cannot tell me that Jack hasn't tried to team up with Mad Santa before. It just seems like something he would do to, noticing that there was a Santa getting a bad rep and he could feasibly swoop in and break down the institution.

I wanna imagine he went up to him like, so I've heard you've been trying to subjugate a people. Here's my resume, I am all for murder, I do work well with gnomes, consider me. And then he got promptly ghosted.

Episode 2:

Bro the training vest is made out of St. Nicks robe?? What ISNT made out of that robe??? Isn't that like...an important artifact? I would assume it would be if it has that much Christmas magic in it. Why do we keep cutting it up and using it to make things? Is there any of it left?? Does it regenerate its own fabric??? None of these questions will ever be provided answers, I'm sure.

YO ITS MY BOY CUPID!!! LET'S GOOOOOOOO!!!!

Fucking LOVE Cupid! He's just as great as I remember! And because he had so little screen time, he didn't get too butchered!

And I like how he lists only specific Legends that are concerned with the succession. Implying in universe that Father Time and Tooth either think Cal is a good choice, or simply don't give a shit. And i love that for them.

But Cupid does list Sandy, EB and Mother Nature as people who do care. And we already know that were gonna get confirmed Sandy and EB cameos later, so I'm gonna CROSS MY FINGERS SO HARD for a possible Mother Nature cameo at some point. I just want her to lay down the LAW that's all I ask!

Let's how about, leave the puberty topic, out of this series entirely? Wish that whole miscommunication. DIDNT happen.

But we do have WITCH SANDRA!! This was the only possible choice for her, go off queen! Lucy and Sandra with the clasping hands meme: Teenage Girl with Magic Witch Powers. This was the best possible turn for her character, love that for you babe!

As I suspected, Befana in these episodes is a peach yet again. Fucking love Befana, no notes for her either, she's always great.

BUT LET'S TALK ABOUT NOEL AND BETTY!? and how they gave them the most romantic, whirlwind love story of the century? How they met was so FUCKING CUTE! Romeo and Juliet can pack it up! Because THEY are just better!

Betty really took one look at Noel and went, Tee hee, giggle, twirls hair, kicks feet. And I love that for her!

[anotherghoul666]

Good morning and happy almost New Year, AnotherGhoul ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

I wanted to pop in and wish you the very best going into 2023, but also it was an excuse to come ask you a few questions about AO3 Wrapped

How about... #5, #19, and #29, if they haven't already been answered

Hey Cait!! ❤️ Thank you for your well wishes! Right back atcha buddy! Happy new year and may 2023 bring you at least one thing, one change, one passion, one discovery that will deeply fulfill you and bring you true happiness ❤️

Onto Wrapped!

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected? Oh, easy, A Loosened Heart (Corrodes the Shield). I fully expected this one to flop because no smut. This was a fic I had to write for myself. It's a personal piece, because it's me processing a lot of my lingering feelings and emotions from the big injury I got last spring. Right after bloody guitar Dew happened and I wrote Surface Tension (in a 48h frenzy where I posted it before I could let my anxiety brain convince me not to, which is partly what started this adventure of mine into this beautiful fandom), once I realized I could actually write more about these characters and make this a Thing, one of the very first images (and notes on my phone) I got for a fic was Dew in the tub. Dew fallen at the bottom of the tub, miserable and crying and tearing his hair out with pain and despair and hatred for his flesh suit (I've been on the Hurt Dew 2k22 train since before I knew the agenda was a thing, what can I say). I got the image in a flash while getting in the shower and seeing the tub next to it out of the corner of my eye, where I myself, a few months prior, had sat miserably crying trying to wrestle with my own body's limitations and my temporary disability. I needed to write a character going through my pain. And I needed to write them getting fixed by a partner like I was by mine. I just needed to. This piece was an unavoidable piece of writing for me. If I hadn't latched onto the Ghost fandom, whatever fandom was gonna be next, or original characters for all I care, this would have gotten written. I didn't write it for anyone's eyes, I wrote it for me. To purge shit. So to have any reception at all for it was surprising, because I geared up for a flop. But to have the feedback and comments I got on it. The amount of other people out in the world that found my fic and said "I've felt the exact same way". "I was injured in a similar way and I feel seen". "I'm in recovery from *insert injury here* and this was meaningful to me". "I had a partner take me through shit like Aether did and this feels real". Like. I never expected this fic to be seen, and instead it touched people's souls. It made people cry, in a positive way. In catharsis. That's fucking beautiful and I did not expect a single person to find reflection of their lived experience in this fic. Just goes to show no human experience is unique and we're all in this together.

19. What’s one pairing you want to explore next year? Besides Aether/Ifrit that I'm currently exploring, I want more Ifrit in my life, and I'd like to see what's up with Ifrit/Dew. I also want to tackle the ghoulettes. The Femslash February challenge is the perfect excuse for that, but I want to pepper them out through the year after February is over too. I want to tackle Cirrus and Cumulus' bound. I want to tackle them with Sunshine as a throuple. I'm also itching to knock out the Copia/Aether I've had in my notes since very early on in my venture into the fandom, and potentially more Papa/Ghoul dynamics in general, to see if there's something there for me. Obviously I'm also gonna touch base on all the classic ghoul pairs haha ;)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year? So I think I've mentioned this in a couple ao3 comments before, but I'll reiterate here: in all my fics, there's maybe 1 to 4 lines or passages I let my inner poet go feral over. I keep the creature in check, because I don't want to bog down my texts, I aim for rhythm and flow when I write. But. From time to time I feed the beast and I indulge. I jokingly call those passages "The Line" even tho there's a few per fic haha, and it's kind of a back and forth joke with my beta to see if she picks up on The Line(s). It's also an extra tasty treat when a reader in the wild picked up on one and points it out in my comments. There's a few of those I could name, but for the challenge, I'll point out this one from Make my Blood Rush (Slow Down) (tw/ for blood if someone's made it this far but isn't down for blood and injury descriptions): "Mountain sank his fangs in Dew’s neck, like biting an overripe fruit, honeyed flesh giving in, blood like the richest tasting juice flowing on his lips and down Dew’s nape in glistening rivulets of carmine delight." Ain't that some poet wanker shit all over this bitch and I LOVE IT XD ❤️❤️❤️

[pynkhues]

Is Roman and Shiv and Connor going to fall into the trap Willa saved Connor from earlier, where they are going to give glowing, emotional speeches at Logan’s funeral while Kendall is plotting to ruin his reputation and so they look bad when it all comes out? And Kendall is going to pull a (better written by lawyers) ConWilla and make a more neutral speech so he isn’t shown praising the man that hit both Kendall’s son and Kendall’s brother

Potentially! This season has been all about cycles, and given Lester's the only funeral the show's had so far, I wouldn't be surprised if we saw a couple of repeated beats.

I do think the stakes are very different for them here though. Willa helping Connor avoid a glowing endorsement for a predator his father was both personally and professionally affiliated with is pretty different from four adult children whitewashing their father's history at his funeral. In many ways, I think the funeral will likely be a reiteration of the lack of accountability of the uber rich, and the deifying of despicable men.

I'm actually mostly curious as to which of the kids speak at all. It was such a loaded line in 3.08 where Kendall packaged his complete disinheritance as including him not speaking at Logan's funeral, and since Logan made clear in that episode that he never actually wanted to disinherit Kendall (he just wanted Kendall to feel like he would), and given the end of 4.04, it does seem like he's slipping back into seeking validation from (the ghost of) his father. A big part of that has always been Kendall's inability to work out if he should be the loyal, loving son, or the son his father actually wanted (aka Logan 2.0).

Where that pendulum swings the rest of the season is anyone's guess, but if this season is about cycles, I can't see Kendall's flicker of success in 4.04 lasting, especially not with six episodes still to go.

As for the others - I think there's a case for all of them. Roman stepped up with the article last season but was admonished by Logan for it, so I can see a reluctance on his part, and Shiv's already been the one to read the statement at the press conference. Connor might feel its his duty as the eldest son, plus I think likes to take on those sorts of roles, but honestly, I'm not sure. It feels like anyone's guess at this stage!

[ofsootandsmoke]

I'm losing my mind over here. I keep deleting and rewriting everything because it never ends up making any sense. I've decided whatever I have to write will just end up as is because I'm not getting anywhere, and if anything after this is senseless, then so be it. If I'm the only one who will understand me, then fine. I can live with that. Granted, I know me, and I crave being understood. I want people to know how I work, how I think, because then maybe it'll make me more likeable or redeemable. I write so much partly because I try to explain myself. I've said before that I will spend a lifetime trying to make myself understood.

It's even more unfortunate that I've been through things that almost no one can understand. How the hell can anyone ever truly understand Limbo without experiencing it themselves? Not to mention it scares most people, too. People don't like to think about death, but it's defined me so thoroughly that I need to. I can't just not think about it. I can't just stop thinking about the genuine psychological torture that it was. I was isolated for years at a time, left with nothing but my thoughts, a deck of cards, and some cigarettes. I can reiterate that a thousand times, but it means nothing when most people can't even wrap their heads around that. Being alone for so long. Some people can hardly handle a few days, and I went years upon years in a goddamn train station. I watched who knows how many trains go past and never once did any of them stop for me, not until I was finally revived.

How the hell do I even thoroughly explain it to anyone, though? That's not a feasible concept in this world and anyone can do is, at most, imagine. That in itself is isolating. I know how much I stick out in terms of... everything. Even outside of Limbo. On the SMP, I was the first to start a new nation, the first president. No one understands fully what it was like to be the one to pave the way for that. No one understands what it was like to try and raise my little brother while I lived in a ravine and was steadily falling into psychosis. I was the only one to commit suicide, the only one who was happy to die. I was the only person to have a long-lasting isolated Limbo. I was the only one to have a significant ghost part, and the way that fucked me up is something else entirely. I mean, he replaced me. He took my place and was living my life, the life I fought for and gave up on because everyone else gave up on my life, too. Then, after I fucking died, a significant amount of people moved on and favored him because he's nicer, as if I wasn't once like that, too. I only stopped being so naive and kind because I had absolutely everything thrown at me. Before I died, I never got a break. Of course, I lost my mind. Anyone would crumble under the stress.

Actually, when I think about it, I've really never just... had a fucking break. Never had time to dedicate to myself and actually caring about myself. 28 years later, I'm not sure I know how to do that. It's been years since I've cared about myself at all. It used to be, "if no one else cares, why should I?", but that's not even true anymore. Now, I just don't know how. I think I mostly just believe I don't deserve it. I spend a lot more time asking for forgiveness than anyone knows. I know there's people who don't forgive me, and while they can't, why should I forgive myself? That would also imply I need to apologize to myself. I need to say sorry to myself for ruining my life, for killing myself, for being so harsh to myself, and I'm not sure I know how to do that, either. I don't know where to even begin with that. (I read in a fic once, someone asked me if anyone ever apologized to me. I made sure to go to nearly everyone and apologize for what I did, but did anyone ever say sorry to me? And I still think about that. That concept seems wild to me, that anyone would need to apologize to me. The treatment I got from everyone was exactly the treatment I deserved, and sometimes, even better. It could've been so much worse. Why should anyone ever bother saying sorry to me?)

I don't know how to apologize to myself for everything. In turn, I don't think I'll ever really forgive myself. I think I'll still antagonize myself every night. I think I'll beat myself up for a while.

I don't even remember where this post started. I've just been typing endlessly for... god, 30 minutes now? Longer? It's 2:30. I have school tomorrow, it's too late. I should take melatonin or something.

I just took four. I hope these knock me out for a few hours. I should lay down. Here's hoping I manage to sleep.

[jamesoctober]

Exes

About a year ago me and my girlfriend of four years broke up (we'll call her Lucy). This was a mutual decision, and that was confusing in it's own right. It's painful to stop something that's not bad yet. We were never bad, we just weren't "right" by the end of it. It was one of those classic situations where we thought a platonic friendship was possible after some space. We got our space. I fell into the habit of going out every weekend to see if I made the right call. The world was dark but I still felt her warmth.

I went out every weekend with my best friend at the time (we'll call him Jack). We had lived together as roommates for about four years and I considered him my best friend.

For context, I am a music producer in LA and I lived in a house with Lucy, Jack, and two of my other close friends from college. For the past couple years, Lucy and Jack were working on an album together that reflected on their past relationships. I had no question in my mind that anything would happen between them. These weren't those kinds of people. I felt as if that situation was family. A home built on trust and compassion.

About a month after the breakup, I went to an acoustic show in a friends backyard, and Lucy was performing with Jack playing guitar. I was so nervous to see her, but it felt easier because I had friends like Jack. They performed and I kept a happy face on, regardless of the lyrics being sung that reflected a newly ended relationship. Talking with her was awkward, only because it was the first time we had been apart in four years.

A month alone really shows you a lot. It shows you how much a person took or gave, and how much that actually affects you. I felt her absence so deeply. The only thing that took me out of it was writing sessions. In that situation,

Soon after, Lucy and I met up for coffee. We walked around her neighborhood and caught up on how each other were coping. At the assumed end of the back and forth, she became quiet. She said, "I have something difficult to tell you." I was quiet. My mind was quiet. "Jack and I have feelings for each other." My mind was hot. "I told a friend who told a friend who works with you," she said. I couldn't let you hear it from her." I melted. I left.

Never in my wildest imagination would I have thought those words were a possibility. Jack was the brother in my world. The person who had all of my trust and love. They knew how much trust I had in both of them. They made music, I complemented it as much as I could. They played shows. I showed up, helped out, and came through in any way possible. I even flew myself out to New York to play bass for their show, stayed at his parents house, and supported them through it all.

I know drive home with the knowledge that my best friend is waiting for me with a half-assed explanation to a situation no one wants to be in. I sit in my room, waiting for a knock.

He knocks. "Come in" I say with broken pitch. He opens the door with one hand, holding 2 glasses of whisky in the other. I wanted nothing more than for him to walk out of my room and to have never existed. I sat there, he relearns the english language, and I forgive him so that he can leave sooner. I then find myself confiding with Lucy on the phone about how I feel. The second Jack leaves, I picture the route to her apartment. Her mattress on the floor and the tears on his shoulder. I tell her about it. I'm distressed.

I tell my other roommates about it, and they react like they just saw a ghost. " That sounds like a TV show." Too much shock for sensitivity. I think of Ross and Rachael in friends, and how you can actually make this stuff up. A lot of the conversation was foggy, partly due to Jacks reiterating of points that were in no way helpful. What can you say that can change what you've done. He asks if we're still friends, and I say yes because I wasn't ready to believe any of it. I wasn't processing it.

The next day, I woke up at 4 AM and drove up to Big Bear. It was the ski mountains opening day, and I had planned on leaving early. Now I was so thankful for the distraction. I show up to a packed mountain, with hundreds of Los Angeles residents crammed into the one ski run that was open. The whole day I was racing down the mountain and racing through thoughts. I break at the bottom. Lucy texts me, asking how I'm doing.

It feels fucked up to process something with the person who did that something. It took me a couple months to finally say that to her. At the time I spilled my guts to her; saying my insecurities, voicing my disbelief, and listening to her mantra of, " There's no logic to feelings."

I drive home and call my friend Lily. She was one of my first friends at college and she's one of my greatest friends to this day. Without Lily's disbelief, I wouldn't of let myself get angry. Then I got angry. I drove home with fire in my chest and lead in my feet. I pulled into the driveway, and my body was preparing for war.

The following conversation was more of a monologue than anything. Featuring lines like, " Did it feel good to comfort me and then go to her house and be me?, I thought we were best friends! How could you live down the hall from me and act like you weren't hiding a monster at her house." He listened. He said sorry too many times. It didn't multiply in significance like people think it does. It's almost as if he had no idea that his actions were nightmarish. I said my piece, I left, and we co-existed in the same house for over a month until he had the astute observation that things were different.

Jack moved out. Lucy reached out. I stopped replying. We all existed in the same world but at opposite ends of the table. Avoiding each other at every event for shared friends, forced exclusion, and sob story songs that I hear with their intention behind it.

I get sad about it. I hope that it'll get better, and I hope I'll stop being so curious. For now I'll just write songs about it.

-J.O.

[tashabilities]

Morehouse was my codename for a boorish individual I once spent time with.

From my gut, to my knees, to my G spot and my throat chakra,

I learned a LOT about my body with him.

I followed my gut on him, and I hope I wasn't wrong, but his ass is on his shoulders about it to this day.

I was walking up to the Enterprise car rental location after my accident last year,

And I saw him walking out of the Flying Biscuit shopping center.

He saw me, too, but he's determined to not speak to me, bless his heart.

He visibly winced at the sight of me, then, this mixture of sadness and disgust flitted across his face like, Buddy is still pissy about me ghosting him.

But I felt like you was tryna make me jealous, Buddy, and you gon play with your long, thick, thunderstick of a dick,

The one that made me squirt and gush like never before,

Before you play with ME.

If I had met Morehouse today, he wouldn't get as far as he did back then,

Because I knew the night we met,

At a now-closed grocery store after weeks of eye contact on the 5 bus,

That he was strictly for character development.

I knew it.

When we both got off the bus at Publix, went inside and handled our business, he waited outside Publix to talk to me AFTER having just bought milk,

And we talked for literal hours,

The connection felt great, but I knew I was just gon learn a lot.

And bitch, now that I think about it, he's probably autistic, TOO.

OMG, did I ever think before now that Morehouse is autistic?

Because he totally is, bruh, I SEE him, now.

The MCU fandom, the extensive sports stats knowledge, the bow ties and vests that are his uniform, THE FUCKIN MATH DEGREE.

Aaaand a whole other bedroom for his special interest,

JUST LIKE THAT ONE,

AND That One and Morehouse have the SAME first name, bitch, don't tell me Morehouse was the Black version of That One, sent to see if I learned my lesson!!!

Oh my god, there he was the WHOLE time,

Spicy Brain Gang, juuuust like me.

If I met Morehouse today, I would have set better boundaries at the outset.

He wouldn't have had a place to dump emotions while not giving me anything back emotionally.

And with regards to my body boundaries,

Was I afraid to try to set those boundaries because I had the tiniest fear of him just beneath the surface?

I want to explore this idea, in hindsight, like, I feel I was slightly afraid to speak up with him, and at the time I was still relatively inexperienced like,

Throat chakra didn't have enough experience with men, period, to be practiced at standing up for myself,

And I was fresh off Lamont bum ass like, I wanna say this was summer of 16?

Or was it summer of 17?

I had just stood up for myself with Lamont, and I think I was reluctant to fully grasp that I would need to be standing up for myself with EVERY man, EVERY time.

I think my ghosting Morehouse was due in part to fear of how he might react to me trying to set boundaries.

I don't know if that was anxiety or my actual gut telling me I'm in danger, but aren't they the SAME thing, really?

Because I wouldn't feel ANYTHING in my gut if not for anxiety, like,

If a man spikes my anxiety, he gotta go because i don't feel safe, this is the gift of fear.

But don't ALL men spike my anxiety at one point or another?

And when a man spikes my anxiety, is that anxiety due to inexperience and not knowing what to do in the situation,

Or is my gut tryna warn me that he's dangerous?

Butterflies are a bad sign, word to Halsey's mother.

If I met Morehouse today, I would try to have a conversation with him before I just bounced,

But do niggas LET us have conversations?

No, they don't even let us HAVE conversations,

Because conversations bring intimacy and attachment, and Black men, especially, intentionally thwart ALL feelings and intimacy, and they actively avoid all activities that will create feelings and intimacy!

Soooo rather than even trying,

Maybe the me of today would just fade to black on his ass all over again,

But I reiterate that with the woman I am today, Morehouse wouldn't get as far as he did back then.

Would love another thunderstick, tho.

[tadashiluvr]

confessing to karasuno first years

scenarios

pairing: yamaguchi tadashi x gn!reader, kageyama tobio x gn!reader, tsukishima kei x gn!reader, hinata shoyo x gn!reader

genre: fluff

warnings: none

a/n: sorry that tadashi's is short and that they all have poorly written endings, i couldn't come up with anything. also pls send requests, i have no ideas lol

as you stood at the front gate looking around for him your heart was beating out of your chest and your thoughts ran wild. 'will he accept? what if he already has a partner? what if he-' your thoughts were cut off by a call of your name and a hand lightly waving in front of your face, you lightly flinched back out of shock and he quickly withdrew his hand.

"sorry!" you said in unison. he lightly laughed and brought his hand to rest against the nape of his neck as he spoke, "so what'd you call me here for?"

"oh, yea, um, i like you a lot and would like you to be my boyfriend," you said, mentally cursing yourself for stammering.

he stood there is shock for a moment, he didn't think you'd be the type to prank him like this. he looked around to see if he could find your friends hiding and laughing but he saw no one. he was confused until he looked back at you and into your hopeful eyes.

you took his silence as a rejection. "it's ok if you don't like me back, tadashi," you stated, hurt badly hidden in your voice as you took a step away from him.

"wa-wait!" he started, a little too loudly, "i- uh- i like you too, i'd like you to be my partner."

"really?" you asked, looking at him with the same hopeful eyes from earlier.

"yes, of course," he said, flushed from ear to ear.

when you left a note, with a small heart at the bottom, on kageyama's desk telling him to meet you before afternoon practice you hadn't truly expected him to show, yet here he was, standing right in front of you.

"hey," he said.

"hey," you replied before mentally cursing yourself for being so awkward. you took a deep breath in before continuing, "so i told you to meet me here because i wanted to tell you something."

he looked at you with curious eyes, "what'd you want to tell me?"

'how hasn't he figured it out yet? i left a heart on the note and everything,' you thought before answering, "i like you."

"i like you too, you're a good friend."

"w-well, i meant that i like you," you explained, he still looked confused so you continued, "in a more-than-friends way and i was wondering if you wanted to be my boyfriend."

his face immediately flushed and he began stammering, "oh- well- i- you-" he stopped trying to speak and took a breath to calm himself. "i like you too!" he finally said, almost as a shout, "and i'd like to be your boyfriend."

you immediately lit up, "really?" he nodded in response. "thank you, tobio!" he looked as if he was about to pass out at the use of his given name with no honorifics.

you had been friends with tsukishima for a little while, well as close to friends as you can get with tsukishima unless you're yamaguchi, and recently you began to harbour feelings for the boy. you've experienced his sarcastic and semi-mean personality firsthand so you knew you couldn't confess to his face out of fear that he would laugh in your face and turn you down so, instead, you wrote a note of your feelings.

you handed tsukishima the note at the end of the school day and told him, "don't read this until you're home." he was quite suspicious of what it might be and his suspicions were almost 100% confirmed when he turned it over and noticed that the envelope was held closed with a small pink heart sticker, still, he respected your wishes and didn't read it till after he arrived at his house.

as he read your emotion filled letter, he felt his heart began speeding up. he had thought you would never return his feelings because he wasn't the nicest. he didn't know what to do, should he text you? call you? speak to you in person?

you received a text from tsukishima that read, "we need to talk." you immediately panicked, 'oh god, he doesn't return my feelings and he thinks i'm an idiot and i ruined our friendship-' your thoughts were cut off by another text from him, "meet me tomorrow, before school, at the front gate." your worries somewhat subsided as he was still fine with speaking to you in person. you quickly wrote back, "ok" and tried to sleep so you could be early tomorrow and look nice.

as you walked up to the gate the next morning you saw tsukishima already there, he probably just came from morning practice. "hi," you lightly spoke.

"hey. so, i got your letter," he started. you looked at him with worry written on your face. "why do you look so scared? i'm trying to tell you that i like you too."

at that moment you weren't sure if your heart beat faster than it ever has before or if it completely stopped but you, somehow, still smiled at him. "so, like, are we dating now?"

"isn't that the whole point of confessing?" he asked, sarcasm laced in his voice.

you lightly giggled and averted your eyes, "yea, i guess you're right."

you and hinata had made plans to hang out at a cafe after hinata's practice. you had gotten here about 5 minutes ago and were waiting for hinata's arrival. you watched the beautiful sunset outside through the floor to ceiling window that sat at the front of the cafe. while watching, you caught sight of hinata sprinting down the sidewalk and let out a small chuckle. he quickly opened the door and sat down across from you.

"oh my god, i'm so sorry i'm late, practice ran long today and i lost track of-"

"hinata, it's fine, just relax," you cut him off with a giggle. his face flushed as he heard your laugh, no matter how many times you said you don't like your laugh it always sounded like music to his ears

he admired you for a moment before the waitress came and asked for your orders.

"how was practice today, hinata?" you asked after she took your orders.

"it was good! i did so many spikes like WOOSH and then POW, it was so fun but i missed a receive and kageyama started yelling at me," he answered before grumbling about how he hates when kageyama yells at him.

"that sounds like a lot of fun," you told him as the waitress brought you your drinks and snacks. you quickly thanked her before taking a sip of your drink.

"oooh, can i have a sip?" hinata asked, excitedly.

"yea, sure," you said handing him your cup.

he took a sip and said, "that was so good! do you want a sip of mine?" he handed you his cup and you took a sip.

"yours is good too, hinata," you said. immediately after you spoke, you became flustered. 'was that an indirect kiss?' you thought, putting your hand to your lips.

"hey, what's wrong? you look like you just saw a ghost. wait, did you see a ghost?!" hinata said with more panic lacing through his voice with every word he spoke.

"no, hinata, i didn't see a ghost," you reassured him, waving your hands in front of you. "i just need to tell you something."

"oh, what's up?" he asked, tilting his head like a dog.

"well, i like you and was wondering if you wanted to date," you said, slightly scared for his reaction.

"uhhh, what?" he asked, confused.

"i said i like you, hinata," you reiterated, even more scared for his response after his previous reaction.

"no, i heard you, i just thought we have been dating. isn't this, like, our 5th date?" he questioned.

"i just didn't think we were dating since neither of us confessed," you explained.

"oh, well, i like you and want to date you too."

"i mean, i would hope you like me since you thought we were dating already," you said with a laugh, him quickly joining in with the laughter.

[yourmidnightlover]

holding hands

never stop loving me part 2 :)

summary - after reader and spencer make it home safe and almost sound, spencer decides to show her just how much he loves her touch.

tw - smut, penetrative sex, unprotected sex (yea, ik i do this a lot), teasing?, fingering, oral (female receiving), soft dom!spencer, fluff

wc - 2,671

a/n - you could totally read this as a stand alone piece, just know that spencer is kinda in the doghouse rn bc he said mean things to reader abt her being all touchy and annoying (even tho she isn’t). happy reading 😌

masterlist

---------------------------------------------------

spencer had said he was going to make it up to you.

did he know how yet? not really. would he figure out how? absolutely.

you had been rather distant after you had solved the case and on the plane ride back home. you still sat beside him, but you didn't make any move to touch him or lay your head on him as you normally would. maybe it was because you just didn't feel like it, but spencer knew better than to think that.

"do you want to order takeout tonight?" you turned towards him to ask the question.

"yea, of course we can," he agreed, his arm reaching around your body to pull you closer to him. he felt you stiffen under his touch. "are you alright?" it was his turn to look at you, you nodded up at him.

"i'm alright," you clarified, giving him a tight-lipped smile that wasn't very convincing. eventually, you settled into his arm, leaning your head on his shoulder and succumbing to the sleep you needed.

when you woke up, it was to spencer swatting away morgan's hand while shushing him.

"morgan, she needs her rest in order to heal properly!" he whisper-yelled while trying to move morgan's hand away but failing. "don't touch her, only i can!" he clarified, morgan threw his hands up in defense as he turned to sit back down.

"y'know you get more protective than i thought you would be," morgan shrugged with a chuckle.

"what's that mean?" spencer argued defensively.

"it means that princess there is well taken care of. you just don't seem like the possessive type of guy," he reiterated as he pulled out his headphones.

"i'm not being possessive," he defended himself. "i'm being a good boyfriend by not letting you wake her up just so you can ask her a ridiculous question," spencer looked down at you in your peaceful sleeping position.

you hadn't slept well in the hospital. spencer knew this because each time he went to sleep you were awake, and you would be awake when he woke back up. the night before you were in the hospital he heard you cry yourself to sleep and you woke up before him. so, in his mind, you needed as much rest as possible if you wanted to heal properly.

that, and he wanted to feel you cuddled against him as you slept for the first time in a week.

"i think it's more than that, genius," the bald man scoffed.

"what do you think it is?" spencer sassed.

"well, i think it has something to do with the fact that you and pretty girl there," he nodded towards you, "were in a fight and you missed her."

spencer sighed, "is it that obvious?" he used his free hand to move a piece of hair from your face, his hand lingering there for a second longer.

"look, kid, i may or may not have heard what happened thanks to a little someone. you should let her know how much she means to you, alright? she's probably feeling like you're doubting your relationship because of her, so make sure she knows that she's it for you," he advised his curly-headed friend.

"she's not 'it' for me, derek," spencer sighed once more. "she's my everything."

you stirred in your 'sleep' to alert them of your presence, slowly sitting up in an attempt to not hurt yourself.

"hey, princess," spencer whispered, moving that same annoying strand of hair from your face and tucked it behind your ear.

"mmm... hi," you stretched your arms over spencer so you wouldn't hit him. "how long until we land?"

"about half an hour," he informed you, whispering as the other team members slept. "if you'd like to go back to sleep i'll wake you up before we land."

"i'm alright, thank you," you smiled.

you could be mad at him while being a nice person. you just didn't know if you were ready to get over what he had said to you.

——————————

you had gone straight home after landing, permittable by hotch who saw how tired the two of you were.

both of you were laying together on the couch, you slightly on top of spencer because of your still bruised rib that slightly hurt, he angled his head down and started kissing your neck softly. your breathing got heavier, your breaths being few and far between as your hands reached back to grasp spencer's curls.

"spence?" you asked, more like whispered. he continued his actions, the only thing that signified he actually heard you being a small hum against your skin. "i-i... can we...?" you trailed off, not sure how to ask for what you wanted.

"can we what, princess?" he asked his hands reaching around to the front of your body, lightly ghosting over your bare legs.

"you know what, spencer," you huffed in annoyance as you rolled your eyes. he squeezed your thigh firm enough to know he had done it, but gentle enough to know it wouldn't leave any marks that were too bad.

"and you know better than to roll your eyes at me," he whispered in your ear, nipping gently at your lobe. "now... tell me exactly what you want."

"i want whatever you'll give me," you turned your face towards him, giving him your best puppy dog eyes before adding, "please?" you pursed your bottom lip into a pouty position.

that was apparently the magic word because as soon as they had left your mouth, you could have sworn you heard spencer growl in your ear before continuing to kiss and nip at your neck, leaving his marks all over your body. you felt his erection twitch in his pants as you whimpered from the touch of his lips on you which spurred you to grind your ass against his hips. he grabbed your hips to still their movement before sitting up with you, slowly as to make sure he didn't hurt your ribs.

"can you walk to the room by yourself?" he asked in his normal, sweet, non-dominating spencer voice, to which you nodded your head yes as you began to walk where he had asked.

you knelt by the door naked in wait for him, hoping he'd give you something to take your mind off of your injury. when he walked in, he could've sworn he felt his heart grow with even more love for you, something he thought was already impossible.

"princess, why're you on the floor?" he questioned, kneeling down to get eye level with you.

"why isn't your dick in my mouth?" you countered, a smirk growing on your face.

"i was gonna be nice tonight since you're not well so i wouldn't push it, doll," he gave you a stern look that told you to watch it. "i still have some making up to do, i believe?" your smile returned even brighter than before as he helped you back to your feet and into the bed.

once you were comfortable, he was practically worshipping your body with each kiss and hum against your body.

"i can't imagine never touching you again, y/n," he made his way down to your chest, his lips wrapping around your nipple. he gently tugged on it with his teeth before releasing it and doing the same to the other one.

"these tits," he sucked a hickey onto one of them before moving to the other.

"this stomach," he kissed all over your torso, being extremely careful of your bruises as your hands around through his locks once more.

"love the way it feels when i lay on it," he made his way down to your thighs, loving the way you squirmed underneath his touch. he hovered right over the place you wanted most and gently bit down on your thigh, your hips bucking upward subtly from the shock.

"god, these thighs," he huffed as he squeezed them once more. "love the feeling of them wrapping around my head when i'm between them."

"then how about you get between them, then?" you sighed sarcastically, your neediness getting the better of you

"so very impatient," he mocked before pressing one final kiss to your inner thigh. "but what the princess wants, the princess gets. for now, at least."

he licked a thick stripe up your slit, tantalizingly slow just to hear the whimpers that left your lips from the feeling. your hands flew to his hair, gripping it tight as he continued to lap at your pussy.

"so good, sir," you moaned out. "please don't stop. don't stop!" you cried as his lips wrapped around your clit. "uh- right there! yes!" you shouted as your thighs strained to remain still. "yes! oh fuck, yes!" you yelled as the high hit you like a train, his hands grasped your hips so they would stay in place, working you through that euphoria. "oh, thank you, thank you so much..." you trailed off, running your hands through his hair once more as he began making his way up your body, peppering kisses all around you.

"mmm, you did so good for me, y/n," he praised before connecting your lips to his in a passionate kiss. you whimpered into his mouth greedily. "someone's eager, yea princess?" he chuckled. you nodded your head as you bit your lip. "what do you want? i need you to tell me," he whispered, his hands trailing down your body once more and connecting with your sensitive center.

"pl-please," you whined, your hips bucking into his hand. "you, i want you," you informed him as if he hadn't already known.

"you have me now," he chuckled.

"no, no. i want you inside me," you pouted, your hands pulling the hair at the nape of his neck for punctuation.

"you want me inside you?" he asked as he pushed his fingers inside you, your mouth widening to form an 'o' from the surprise. "there, i'm inside you," he teased once more as he began thrusting his fingers in and out. you held onto his arm, a way to ground yourself so you could stil talk without sounding like a baby.

"your- i want your... shit... your dick. i want your dick inside me, please," you practically begged as his fingers began curling inside of you in that perfect spot.

"ohh, is that what you meant?" he asked like a smart ass, you couldn't find it in you to be a brat about it, so you just nodded your head as he worked you through your second orgasm of the night.

"yes! ohhh, fuck, yes," your hips rutted up against his hand from the pleasure. "please, please," you asked once more. "can you please just fuck me now? i want your cock..."

"aww, of course, princess," he said with a bright smile.

he got up from the bed only to remove himself of his remaining clothes before adjusting himself, lining his dick up with your center. he ran his dick through your already wet folds before slowly pushing himself inside of you, knowing you'd still need to adjust to his length.

"so beautiful, y/n," he grasped your hands, interlacing your fingers with his as he began to push himself inside you once more.

it might've been the feeling of being in submission for him, but you felt overcome with emotions. the intimacy of the moment you were sharing was more than just the sex you normally had. it was beautiful. the way he looked at you with awe each time he thrust himself back inside of you. the way you held onto his hands tightly in order to tell yourself that it was real... that he was real.

"god, i love you," he groaned as he kissed you fervently, his pace still set relatively slower than usual. "so much, y/n."

"i love- i love you," you moaned, removing your hands from his only so you could wrap your arms around his shoulders, pulling his body closer to yours. "spence, spence i'm so close," you whined in his ear, which only egged him on.

"i've got you, y/n," he pulled back to look at you as you came on his dick. "let go. let go for me," he moved a piece of hair from your face once more as your mouth flew open in pure bliss. your nails dug into his back as your pussy clenched around him, bringing upon his own orgasm, spurts of his releasing covering your walls. "fuck, y/n," he groaned, burying his neck into your shoulder before you pulled it out, wanting to observe him in such a vulnerable state.

"i love you," you whispered, only him able to hear it.

"i love you," he whispered back, pressing your foreheads together as he caught his breath.

when he managed to pull out, he found a new pair of underwear and pulled them on before going to grab you a fresh pair of his clothes to wear to sleep - you liked that they smelled like him, it helped you sleep better.

"where're you goin'?" you whined from the bed, trying to sit up abruptly but only finding a shooting pain going through your abdomen.

"shhh," he whispered, rushing to the side of the bed to guide you back to laying down. his hands found your shoulders and right before he was going to release them, you grabbed his hands.

"are you leaving me again?" you asked pitifully, tears welling in your eyes.

"no, sweetheart," he furrowed his brows. "i'm never going to leave you," he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

"i know... i know i can be annoying like you said and i'm working on it," you looked down at your hands, which were now in your lap. "just please be patient?"

"you don't need to work on anything," he wiped the tears from your cheeks. "i never should have said those things to you, whether or not i was upset. i'm so sorry i made you doubt yourself," you found yourself wiping his own tears away. "now let's get you into the bathroom, okay?" you nodded as he helped you get up, guiding you to the bathroom to relieve yourself.

while you were doing your business, he went and got you that change of clothes you needed and brought them to you once you were done. he used a damp, warm washcloth to clean up between your legs and made sure to wash your face for you. he helped you get changed, letting you use him as a balancing bar, and then directed you back to the bed. he rest his head on his pillow, looking over and seeing you still on your side of the bed, not curling up into him as you usually do.

"y/n," he whispered. "i know you're probably still mad at me, which is totally fine because just because we had sex doesn't mean i'm done making it up to you. but... it's kind of harder to sleep without you cuddling with me than i thought. so if you're alright with it can we just..." he trailed off.

"spence?" you asked with a giggle.

"hmm?"

"i'm not supposed to sleep on my stomach or side," you held back a laugh, knowing it would hurt. "i mean, i'm glad we're on the same page about you still making it up to me, but it's kinda doctor's orders that i don't sleep like that."

"oh..." he bit his lip, trying to keep himself from feeling too embarrassed. "right. can we hold hands while we sleep then?" he asked, acting as if he had found a loophole.

"now who's touchy?" you joked, hurting your stomach from the laughter but finding that it was worth it.

"ha-ha," he mocked. "very funny, y/n," he groaned.

"yes, darling," you joked once more. "of course we can hold hands while we sleep."

and you did.

and for the first night in a week, you slept peacefully.

taglist:

@averyhotchner​

@greenprisca​

@muffin-cup​

@emilyprentisslittlewhore

[bucksfucks]

         amorosa // steve rogers

  chapter six: between the sheets

 chapter one // chapter two // chapter three    

                    chapter four // chapter five

               ─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

                             main masterlist

                            series masterlist

summary || after bucky let’s the name peggy slip from his lips, steve not giving you the answers you’re looking for, you take matters into your own hands.

pairing || sugar daddy!steve rogers x reader

word count || 1,135 words

warnings || sugar daddy/sugar baby themes, financial issues, undefined age gap, mentions of legal troubles, mentions of crime — 18+ ONLY//MINORS DNI

     Bucky's voice replayed in your head the entire ride back to the hotel room. Steve's hand rested gently on your thigh, normally comforting, but right now it felt like it weighed about a million pounds, anchoring you down. 

    You were quiet, silently sliding out of the car before stepping into the elevator with him. Steve hummed a tune as you ascended before the door was opened to a dark room. Your heart seized at the sight of it, the name Peggy echoing in your mind. 

    "I'm gonna go take a shower." You said, not waiting for him to acknowledge you before you locked yourself in the bathroom and tried to drown your thoughts out with hot running water. 

    It didn't work.

    Why did Steve hide her from you, you had told him about your previous relationships, even asked him about his and he simply brushed off the question saying he was always too busy for anything long term. 

    Here you were finding out he used to be married from his best friend that you had just met. 

    "Hey, Princess?" Steve's voice sounded from the other side of the door as you snapped your head in its direction, "you okay? You've been in there for a while." 

    You wanted to scoff, rolling your eyes as you shook your head, "I'm fine." 

    When you stepped out of the bathroom you had the lush bathrobe wrapped around you as Steve had discarded his tailored tuxedo in exchange for a simple pair of sleep pants and a white shirt. 

    You hated how good he still looked. 

    The air around you two was tense, sad eyes flicking up to meet his as he stood from the bed. 

    "What did Bucky say?" His voice was a quiet whisper, the least confident it's ever been as you cast your eyes down to the floor. 

    "Oh you know, nothing much, just that you were married." You were hurt, emotions running through every word you spoke as Steve recoiled at the sound of them. He remained silent, running a hand through his beard. 

    "Why didn't you tell me about her?" You asked, still avoiding contact as you felt the familiar thickness in your throat as tears prickled their way in the corner of your eyes. 

    "She's not important," Steve said as you looked up at him in disbelief, "you were married." You reiterated as he sighed, taking a couple of steps closer to you. 

    "It didn't end well, okay? She isn't who she said she was." He told you and you had to fight the urge to roll your eyes again. 

    You slide past his body, moving towards the bed as he spins around to face you. 

    "I want to know about her." You say confidently, meeting his gaze as he clenches his jaw. 

    "No, sweetheart, no you don't." He warns you as you narrow your eyes at him. You're frustrated, heart leaping out of your chest as your stomach churns and you feel bile rising to your throat. 

    What could he possibly be hiding? Did you want to know? Did you even know him? 

    Your thoughts were wild, racing and causing your heart to palpate as Steve stands a few feet away from you, trying to calm you down. 

    "I want to go home." 

~

    Four days, that's how long it's been since you'd come back from Paris. 

    You were still trying to adjust to the switch in time zones, sleeping through most of the days and awake during most nights as you filled your time with anything other than thinking about Steve. 

    He had texted, tried to call you and even sent you flowers every day. 

    You didn't reply, sending one text to him saying that you need time and going ghost after that. 

    How could you keep your mind off of Steve when everything reminded you of him. Opting to stay in an air bnb proved to be lonely and you missed the company that Steve provided you with, missed the way he would kiss the tip of your nose or massage your thigh. 

    The thought of him with Peggy made you miserable. The thought of him willingly keeping that part of his life a secret, though, made you absolutely despondent. 

    You couldn't keep sitting on this anymore, if Steve wouldn't tell you about her, you'd just have to figure it out on your own. 

~

    "Thanks, Parker, I owe you." You smiled, chuckling as he enveloped you in a half hug, an armful of files in the other you both sat down in the quaint coffee shop. 

    "Think of this as a favour," he smiled, setting them down on the table before you began gnawing on your lip. 

    "Although, I gotta admit, this is some pretty heavy stuff. Are you, I mean, are you sure about this? Have you asked him about it?" He wondered and you sighed, nodding your head, "he said that I wouldn't wanna know." 

    You watched Peter's face contort into a cringe, the same cringe he had worn when he raced over to your house in high school venting about how he had just messed up the most important date of his life, that MJ would never speak to him again. 

    Funny how life works out, the two of them now happily married with a baby girl on the way. 

    "Their divorce was finalized in 2019, four years after Mr. Rogers, sorry, Steve, had filed for it." Peter began, opening the beige folder and turning it over to you. 

    "The reason for divorce is simply put as difference in opinions, but it never goes further than that." His eyes are big as he looks up at you, "Peggy isn't exactly as innocent as she sounds." 

    "From money laundering, fraud, tax evasion, bribery, I mean, she's done it all basically. Steve was left with nothing and had to face all the consequences." Peter explains and there's a weight that's lifted from your chest. 

    "It's also noted that it wasn't an amicable split and that well, Mrs. Carter is a powerful woman and has ways of… disposal." Peter's words sting you as your heart flips, "you have to be careful, no one's seen her in years, but she's still out there." He finally concludes, quickly closing the files before handing them over to you. 

    "If I were you, I would listen to Steve when he said that you don't wanna know her." 

    Your breath was shaky as you inhaled, hand over the files as you hugged them close to you. 

    "Thanks so much, Parker. I gotta go, tell MJ I say hi and that if you guys ever need a babysitter, I'm around." You smiled, giving him a quick, but tight hug before hurrying off to find Steve. 

    There's a funny thing about gut feelings because they're almost never wrong.

tagging // @jennmurawski13 | @nakedrogers | @vollzeitliebe | @kelbabyblue | @jevans2 | @babyyhoneyydarling | @cloudystevie | @lahoete | @speechlessxx | @aikeia