#i’m also not much an album person i feel like? i mean i am but i’m not.

[chiraliums]

top 5 albums?

and give me a song recommendation please just because <3

hi sam!! i feel like this changes often but off the top of my head -

hybrid theory by linkin park

O by low roar

save rock and roll by fall out boy

three cheers for sweet revenge by mcr

black holes and revelations by muse

song recs pulled from my on repeat playlist! if you hate them you aren’t allowed to tell me because my heart can’t take that

the only time by nine inch nails

vicarious by tool

a place for my head / by myself / forgotten / one step closer / papercut / any song ever by linkin park

dramamine by modest mouse

skin and bones by foo fighters

torniquet / red cold river by breaking benjamin

sleepover

[raribella]

Love is Embarrassing | JJ Maybank

summary: although JJ had promised your brother he wouldn’t ever hurt you, you saw him kissing Kie while you were on a break.

pairing: JJ Maybank x Routledge!reader

genre: emotionally heavy anst, fluff in the end

contains: reader being a real bitch, mentions of Luke and parental abuse, inspired by some songs in the album “GUTS” by Olivia Rodrigo, kinda shitty ending but let me know.

word count: 2,7k

author’s note: alright I know I’ve been MIA and a bitch and I haven’t posted anything in months (worse if you see how much stuff is on my “upcoming works” section), but I’ve just had a lot of ideas, little time and little confidence to write. one of my best friends just showed me obx and I’m in love with this blonde and I got (I think) a spoiler about him and Kie and I just had to do something with my feelings.

This is a work of fiction. I do not own the characters of Outer Banks nor any characteristic of the show. I am writing this story solely for my own entertainment and the marvel or comfort of any readers.

“If I fuck up with her that might as well be the last thing I do in my life, John B! I mean it!”

the words that JJ heatedly uttered to your twin brother the day he found out about the two of you were repeating over and over in your head right now. You remembered it all too well; John B was seething, absolutely pissed, seeing red. You and JJ Maybank knew each other for as long as he and your brother were best friends, when you turned 14, he declared to all the Pogues that you were off limits, and about two months ago, you and JJ started seeing each other. One month into it and JB discovered you, which was easy considering JJ already spent most of his time with both of you at the Chateau. JJ promised his best friend that he wouldn’t fuck up with you because two things mattered the most for him in this life; their friendship, and yourself.

But as of lately, he was having some problems with Luke and he asked for some time “out” so he could figure his shit out without involving or hurting you and you disagreed but you’d do pretty much anything in this world for this man so you decided to say yes.

To his bullshit.

Bullshit, you figured out about half an hour ago, when you heard a confusing conversation between him and Kiara – the perfect one – and when you went outside to track the noise, you saw them kissing.

You were fifteen minutes late to leave for the weekly kegger and you forced yourself to lock yourself in the bathroom and call in sick – because that you were, and you wouldn’t handle being out partying and pretending like seeing the kooks, and seeing them two wouldn’t make you feel the same type of nausea at this moment.

Sarah was the third person to try and make you get out of the bathroom. The first being your brother and the second, Pope. Although you were thankful neither JJ nor Kie had tried to talk to you, when you heard your best friend’s voice, you were actually starting to feel sick, you were having a migraine from holding tears up, and you were sweating.

“Y/n, come on! You were so excited to come not even an hour ago, we’re already late and I don’t see why wouldn’t you want to come”

Your vision was blurry as you palmed the door and laid your forehead on it. Sarah realized that you really weren’t coming when she heard your voice crack.

“Sarah please, just, go on out without me this one time, I need not to be there right now and I also need to be alone please don’t ask me questions I can’t handle to answer you this moment I promise-“

As you rambled, she frowned from the other side of the door. Making sure to get everyone to leave for the Kegger, to try and remember asking you about this later on, and to reassure John B that you were actually okay.

You’ve been successfully avoiding JJ for about two weeks now. It started with enough discretion, allegedly going to the bathroom every time he entered a room, or offering everyone any snacks you would spend too much time preparing in the kitchen. For him, it started getting obvious when you looked the other way when he looked at you at the beach, or when you refused to surf and, as of recently, started slamming the doors on him. JJ was getting pissed at this rate. He started by simply frowning and brushing it off, but you couldn’t just keep slamming doors and not even looking at him, and if everyone else noticed, they just wouldn’t budge! The worst part is that he didn’t know what had happened nor if he could fix it. You understood him when he told you he needed time to figure out some stuff with Luke, but the truth was he was still very much freaked out about that. He still loved you, and he couldn’t afford to see you like this anymore, especially when such behavior was being directed at him. JJ missed you. Even if he couldn’t really figure his shit out, he missed you screaming at the top of your lungs as you entered the sea, he missed your smile, your laidback grin that he was the only receiver of, he missed your colorful bikinis, and how they embraced your features as you would jump onto every wooden swing near the shore, your curly hair flying everywhere filled with salt spray. He just missed you, the real you. And he had to talk to you to see if there was even a chance that he could get you back.

You, on the other hand, kept avoiding the questioning looks the pogues would send you every time you were harsh or avoidant at JJ, your brother even attempted to talk to you, silently, just with glances, and figure out if his best friend had hurt you. But even if he did, it only hurt because you loved him too much, and you decided it was best to protect him from John B’s wrath. You felt embarrassed whenever Kiara questioned you with her eyes as well; you felt embarrassed to be near her. You kept crucifying yourself and both her and JJ because of everything, often zoning out of the conversation and just bitterly reminiscing about the times you consoled your boyfriend as he cried late at night in your room, being gentle with his bruises. – thinking how could you be so stupid? giving up everything, betting on him against your brother’s better judgment. You kept paying attention to Kie and how, since that day, she looked like the sweetest thing of the Cut, the fucking hell-side of the island. Her perfume lingered in the air even at the beach and made you feel sick; you saw her everywhere now, even when you looked at him. You saw the scene of them kissing. Feeling every word she would utter toward you in conversation like bullets on your skin. As it was torture how she was the greatest thing to ever exist – how everyone loved her, how she was so much better than you; poisoning everything that you do and still being the sweetest friend, making you despise how rotten your mind was; how jealous your eyes were.

You were bottled up to the brim.

It started out simple enough. JJ had noticed everyone was doing their own thing at the Chateau; John B was absent for the time being, and you were alone on the couch, fidgeting, focused on whatever. It seemed like the perfect window to try and have an actual conversation about what’s been happening. He just didn’t expect it all to escalate so quickly. He didn’t expect you to have seen a part of his conversation with Kiara about his dad – but not everything, not the ending. – He hadn’t expected a conversation with you of all people to become a bomb with a short fuse that would explode into feelings tainted crimson. watching you bleed, making him bleed all over for you.

"Pogues don't mack on pogues, y/n! this shit freaked me out, your brother finding out freaked me out, yeah, even if he’s my best friend and I was afraid that-”

“Oh, so you go ‘round and fucking get with Kiara?! this is fucking bullshit, JJ! bullshit-

“Y/n, listen to me!”

You both were screaming, Kie’s eyes went wide as she tried calling your name as well but you had already started crying and couldn’t pay attention to anyone but him. At this point, as John B arrived at the Chateau and followed the noise, the people around you calming you down couldn’t be sure if they were afraid of his arrival or actually relieved. You kept interrupting each other. JJ pulled his hair and you pointed at yourself and to your side – as if Kiara was still there – strength marking red fingertips above your chest.

“‘Cause she’s not even a real pogue, right?! that’s why you got so confident about it, huh?”

it was almost as if the room went silent. Kiara decided to step outside to give you space; to take a moment to breathe in and take notice that you didn’t mean that. She was sure you didn’t. The rest of the group started to move aside as well although they could obviously still hear the commotion. Only you, John B, and JJ were in the living room. Your brother grabbed your shoulders from behind trying to ground you in any way he could, JJ growing nervous at the rate of the conversation and his friend’s presence.

You looked into his eyes and it was as if the blue in them was slowly fading, his eyebrows shot up and his mouth twisted in a clearly upset frown. As tears stained your cheeks, pride still overpowering your shame and feelings pent up, you started with more meaningless empty jabs, which, said angrily enough, would only make JJ bleed more as he fell silent himself.

“I really loved you, you know? You gotta laugh at the stupidity.. right? Come on you were going around doing that shit and I swear JJ I used to think was really smart… I was just a mesmerizing, paralyzing, fucked-up little thrill for you, tho… best friend’s little twin… ridiculous.”

At that, John B diverted his attention toward his friend with stern questioning eyes. JJ gulped.

“Look, man I just really need to talk to her and explain myself, ‘aight? I didn’t do what- Things are really not what they seem right now and I need her to-“

“Fuck, JJ, that’s bullshit! How can you not even flinch when you fucking lie like that! Things are just like what they seem you never even fucking loved me! You can’t love anyone, ‘cause that would mean you had a heart, right? But you’re a fucking Maybank! And I really tried to help you out all this time but now I know that I can’t!”

You were calming down, but exploded again, as the words left your mouth though, you started regretting them, the most deeply someone could ever regret anything maybe, worsening by the second as you saw the man you still loved muttering a small “no”, cracking at your words and shedding a tear. As Kiara heard what you said from the outside, she didn’t even think before bursting into the house again, turning every head in her direction.

“Y/n you’re spiraling and you’re saying things you’ll fucking regret! I kissed him, alright?! This is my fault. He stopped me, he loves you and he wouldn’t do that, okay?”

Though the words she was muttering were calming you down, she was calling you out, she was absolutely mad at what you said about JJ’s father because she had context and it was really fucked up. You felt small.

“Kiss?!” John B asked, his eyebrows shooting up. It wasn’t his intention to aggravate the situation but it was his little sister involved. JJ tried to start talking and explain the situation – which Kiara had left him to, but he could really only think about one thing.

“I- uh… did you mean it? What you said.”

JJ rarely expressed any sign of vulnerability, so as his voice broke, you felt like your heart did too, rushing to explain yourself now, and trying to get closer to him.

“I didn’t mean it, J, I really didn’t! God, I don’t even know how you can still even look at me right now I’m so sorry I was just so fucking broken at the idea of you che- of losing you, and I- I thought you had found someone else and I damn near started world war III right now and it’s just because I love you so much and I know you don’t deserve another fucked up demonstration of love, you deserve to feel so good, Jay, and I’m really sorry, I love you so so much, and I will understand if you never-“

You were interrupted by the shock of his own body against yours. The both of you were panting, crying, completely tired sighs leaving each mouth as if this was all going on for days and you were so hurt, yet needing each other so much. John B and Kiara were ‘okay’ enough with the newfound situation to leave you both to your own devices again, and you just clung to one another, sitting on the floor for what felt like hours until he decided to speak again.

“Y/n… I asked for us to take some time because it was becoming too real, y’know? What we felt for each other.. it was, touchable- it is. And when everyone else found out, and then John B… You know I don’t talk about this usually, not with anyone but you, but I didn’t want my dad to find out about us, to find out about you. I don’t want him knowing what you are for me I don’t want him knowing that laying a single finger on you can be worse than any punch he could throw my way. And I wanted to figure this out without you knowing about it because you’d say it’s fine, and I-“

As your mind processes his words, you start to think how in the world you got a man whose the first concern about a monster of a father would be you. How could you deserve it, especially after what you had insinuated about him. “It is! It’s fine, honey, we can-“

“No, y/n it’s not fine because I don’t ever want you to even worry your pretty little head about a situation like that, y’know? And It’s not fine because the pogues are my family and the love I feel for you, if anything would happen to you because of him I’ll be damned, damned, and in jail for murder, you can trust me I will.”

He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. All you could do was keep the hold you had on each other, slightly caressing his head.

“Since I didn’t want you to know about it, I went to Kie, that night of the Kegger, and she tried to help me and she said she loved me and I did too but then she kissed me and I assume it’s what you saw but I did step back, I promise! I told her off… Y/n I told your brother that if I intentionally hurt you, if I fucked up with you like this then that might as well be the last thing I did in my life and I mean it. I love you so much, little Routledge, and I’m all in now. We can figure shit out as we go but as long as we have each other, okay?”

As JJ spoke, he held your hands, reassuring you at the end. Hours had passed ever since you started talking, so when the pogues felt everything was calmer they decided to go back in the house slowly – figure out how you were, what were the plans for the night.

“Do you really forgive me for what I said? I will understand, J, I’m so, so sorry, I love you so much” You touched your forehead with his, and JJ sighed, shaking his head slightly. “I love you. I love you, y/n… can’t be without you.”

And as you both kissed each other as if you were making up for ages lost, Sarah smiled at the corner of the room, John B interrupting the show. “Come on with the PDA, love birds… What are we doing tonight, then?” He half-heartedly scolded as you got up, hand glued to the blonde's. You let out a big sigh again, before brushing them off with an honest, but half-assed excuse, already making the way to your room.

“I mean, you could go to Heyward’s… I think we’ll just lie down a bit.. ‘twas kinda draining…” you saw a bunch of side smiles as the group left through the door, Sarah grinned, letting out a puff of air through her nose, and when Pope went to close the door, he screamed back in the direction of your room, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” which earned a scream back from an already lying down JJ, “might as well not do anything!” and for the first time in a while, you laughed, making your way to lie on top of him, his embrace being all you needed.

“You know… we could go out to surf tomorrow,” he offered, still missing the sight of a happy you, your bikini, and the ocean.

“First thing in the morning.” You answered.

[folkloresthings]

❛ HEAVEN KNOWS ❜ ❨ lando norris x singer!reader ❩

📻 track three: you’re just a boy (and i’m kinda the man)

in which the they were the perfect couple, until they weren’t. or in which we take a look back into what made heaven itself fall apart.

… OCTOBER 2023

INSTAGRAM. october second.

liked by irisapatow, rachelzegler and 810,673 more

yourusername time for another track! 🤡 i first started writing you're just a boy (and i'm kinda the man) after listening non-stop to taylor swift and shania twain and i decided what i really needed was to take those feelings and make a female power song of my own. so i wrote one! it helped me to remember that losing the love of a man does not make you any less of a person, and i hope it can do the same for others. oh, and it's also a bop.

view all 499,020 comments

user QUEEN

taylorswift you're kinda making me feel like... i'm the man 💪👸

user i fear this will tear lando's ego to shreds

⤷ user it doesn't feel fair on him, like he doesn't get to tell his side of the story

⤷ user girl there's definitely a reason he's kept quiet 😭

lissiemackintosh soooo excited for this one!!!! my new karaoke song?

⤷ yourusername come at do it at the concerts

⤷ lissiemackintosh i like your fans too much to do that to them

user CLOWN LANDO ERA

REWIND... OCTOBER 2022

"guess what, guess what!"

lando was mid-game when you rushed into the living room, glancing up from the television when you bound into view. he slips back one side of his headphones, eyes following suit a few moments later once the screen is paused.

“what?”

“guess!”

lando sighs, but a smirk pulls at the corner of his mouth. “lewis finally retired?”

“no, silly.” scoffing, you slap at his arm and plonk down next to him on the couch. “management just called — i’ve been asked if i want to do a world stadium tour. the bowl, wembley, madison square garden!”

lando’s mouth fell open in slight shock, your excitement obviously contagious as his eyes light up. in a split second he wraps his arms around you and hugs you tightly.

“holy shit, babe,” he murmurs, squeezing your waist.

“i know,” you squeal quietly, muffled against his shoulder. “they just need to set up the next album release and then announce the dates.”

behind your embrace, the cogs of lando’s head start to turn and calculate the information. sitting back, he looks at you with confusion set in his brow.

“when would that be?” he asks, head tilted.

you shrug, not noticing his growing resentment of the news. “depends. they want the album done for late summer, so that means an autumn release. so probably in the new year.”

“the second half of the season?”

lando’s cold tone makes you smile, almost uncomfortably, waiting for his former excitement to return. uneasily, you nod.

“well, yeah, but—”

“i thought you said you were going to come to all the races, since you’ve only been to monaco and silverstone this season?” he cuts you off. you catch the frustration in his eyes like a hawk, shifting off of his lap before it bubbles over. “you’re not going to be able to do that if you’re on tour.”

“that’s not true,” you try and reason, hopeful that your calm tone might balance his. “there’s texas and vegas. besides, i don’t even know what dates i’ll have shows yet, i could fly in for race days.”

lando shakes his head, pushing himself from the couch cushions and onto his feet. “that’s not the point. you promised you’d be there for me this season. i actually have a chance for once, and you don’t even care.”

the dismissive tone that spits off his tongue makes you flinch, a heavy frown falling around your cheeks. “what am i supposed to do? turn down my biggest tour yet to come watch you race every single week?”

“yes!” lando exclaims, turning sharply. “that’s what good girlfriends do — look at kika and lily!”

anger pricks at your eyes and throat, swallowing hard to keep it at bay. “you haven’t been to one of my shows in months. you don’t even have time to listen to demos when i ask you to. there are two of us in this relationship, lando. it isn’t always about you.”

you see his defence ready behind his lips but you’re quicker, ready before he can speak.

“i went to every single race last season,” you tell him. your tone is calm, steady — making the words even more intense. “every one. i have been your biggest fan since day one. so don’t ever, ever, say i’m being selfish.”

lost for words, lando stares at you. only because he knows it’s true does he halt his argument there, turning and storming into the bedroom to preserve some dignity. you stare at the slamming door and wonder how he can watch on so easily as you slip through his fingers, and not want to do anything at all?

INSTAGRAM. november twenty—fourth.

liked by danielricciardo, maxfewtrell and 928,244 others

yourusername always your #1 fan (even when you dnf) 🫶

view all 630,737 comments

carlossainz55 did he get a lollipop for being a good patient?

⤷ yourusername and a sticker 😄😄

user poor lando

landonorris my favourite nurse ❤️

user they’re sooooo cute

user that crash looked bad

yourusername dw guys i’m giving him lots of kisses and rubs better !!!!!

⤷ landonorris not as many as i’d like 😏

⤷ yourusername you’ve got a hello kitty plaster on your head you cannot be seductive right now

"oh, shit."

the fight that dreaded evening had hung over both you and lando for weeks, both of you much too stubborn to admit to any wrongdoing or, god forbid, apologise. but you carried on. if anything it was worse than not speaking. it was like nothing had happened, as if the conversation never even happened, as long as neither one of you mentioned it. still, there was a tension holding you at arms length from each other.

so to not bring up the same argument again, you followed lando to the next few races. come vegas, you had given yourself so much time to think about things and the way lando had handled it all that your mind was screaming at you to leave. to book a flight home, pack up your stuff and go. because how much more of this could you take? you weren't the trophy girlfriend, the wag whose only job was to look pretty beside her accomplished boyfriend.

you would do it after vegas, you decided. there was a few days off; time for you to talk to lando and explain your feelings, before walking out with your head held high just in time for the next race. then, the worst happened.

chatting idly to lily, the race only just beginning, you almost missed it. for a moment, you thought it was oscar spinning out. the bright orange sparks masked which number was painted onto the car, spinning drastically until the nose of the vehicle slammed into the barriers. lily grasped your arm, her sympathetic eyes making you look twice. number four, lando.

in a daze, you followed the one of the marshalls through the busy paddock until you reached the ambulance area. he had already been loaded in, paramedics and mclaren employees surrounding him. there wasn't enough room, they needed to go now.

"hop in, i'll drive you," charlotte's gentle voice appeared beside you, guiding you into the car as the ambulance hurried off. "they said he's probably fine, they just want to do the usual checks."

you nod, trusting her. you could always trust charlotte, right?

after what felt like hours, you arrived to the hospital and didn't think twice about elbowing every single person out of your way until you reached lando's room. he was laid still on the bed, eyes watching the small television in the corner. his leg was strapped up, an iv stuck into his arm, various bruises littering his skin and face. he looked up when he heard you, a crooked smile playing on his lips.

"it looks worse than it is," he assured you, noticing the panic in your eyes straight away. you breathe out some of the relief, the rest coming in a sudden pool of tears. "hey - hey, c'mere."

lando outstretches the arm that doesn't hurt like a bitch, ushering you to his side. you don't hesitate, lip wobbling as you hurry over and perch yourself on the side of the bed. tucked into his shoulder, you nuzzle as closely as you can without hurting him.

"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry," you mumble, and you both know just what you're apologising for. what was a stupid fight worth when chalked up to all of this?

"me too," lando replies quietly, pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of your head.

sitting back, you look over his face. a small scratch from the helmet, just above his cheekbone. his eyes are drooping, tired from the impact and the drugs. you sniffle and smile sadly, thumb brushing over the wound.

"i'm going to move the tour," you tell him, and note that he doesn't protest. "if i'm on the other side of the world and something happens, i—”

lando shakes his head, cutting you off with a kiss. "nothing's going to happen. i'm still in one piece, aren't i?"

you hesitate, then nod, letting him shift over so you can lay next to him. resting your head on his chest, both of you quietly watching the rest of the race, you feel your head spin. maybe he had been losing you, but could you survive losing him?

writers note: we're back baby. lando count yr days my man

taglist: @openthenyoor01 @racingheartsworld @celestialend @cha-hot @gr1mes-cc @bingussthirdtoe @destinyg237 @theonottsbxtch @allywthsr @imsorare @youdontknowmeshh @bellewintersroe @orangetreekid

[scoops-aboy86]

Crushing (Secret Admirer pt 6)

Steddie Week 2024, July 6: Dizzy / drunken confessions / Crush on You by Bruce Springsteen

Fun fact: there are “sorry”s to correspond with a nat 20. It’s a luck thing, though more reflexive than actually hopeful. 

If you turn 6 upside down it's a 9 and today's the 9th, so I would argue that I am still right on time. 🙃 Anyway, I didn't get to the drunken confession part but it was getting too long, so that can be in the last chapter. Enjoy!

wc: 3034 / rated: T / set during season 3 / also on ao3

Sweet Steve, perfect Steve, golden Steve,

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry SORRY

I cannot adequately express how much I regret hanging up on you. It happened a few minutes ago and I’m already writing this because I can’t call back now, not after that. I can’t believe I even did that, I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid because you were saying all these perfect things? Literally everything I never thought I’d get to hear from anyone ever and then I ruined it. 

(The scribbles in the margins are representative of all the times I stop writing just to explosively cuss myself out for being so chickenshit. It looks messy but I am a mess and it’s all my own doing, made my bed and lying in it etc. etc., if I could mount my own head on a pike right now I would Jesus H. CHRIDJDBBWLSNEVEOALAVSVALAMDBDBXJXLFKENSVAVWUELMFBDUSKANS <— an example and demonstration)

I’m sorry I’m a coward. I’m sorry I started this and can’t seem to follow through, I’m sorry I keep yanking you around when it’s not what you deserve sweetheart, it isn’t at all. You were perfect, do you hear me? I had a whole list of songs planned, but picked that one spontaneously because you weren’t digging WASP and I was thinking about the way you’re so hard on yourself sometimes about the guy you were in high school, even though all high schoolers are idiots. (With how many times I’ve had to repeat, I am an expert on this, obviously largely from personal study and reflection.) You didn’t peak in high school, Steve, because you are a wonderful person right now and that’s what matters. You call yourself a romantic sap but I love that about you, please never lose that. 

With every letter you’ve poured out a little of your soul; it only seems right that I try to do the same to make up for my… everything. 

I’m a guy. I’m gay. I’ve never written that down before so explicitly but it’s true. You were so thoughtful about the whole music thing and trying to show we can have common interests but, to be blunt, unless dick is one of those I don’t think this is going to work out. 

No hard feelings obviously. It’s on me for letting this go on so long without being more honest. This is absolutely no reflection on you and does not make you queer by association. I won’t tell anyone—though if I did I’m not considered credible or trustworthy in this town, believe me. 

If you’ve read this far… I mean, I won’t know unless you tell me, obviously. But it doesn’t have to mean anything other than that you’re a good dude. The only person in my life who knows about me and knows my name is the man who’s more like a father to me than my “real” dad; it’s nothing personal, I’ve just had some bad experiences. Remember that concussion I mentioned? … Yeah, that was courtesy of the ol’ sperm donor. Thought I was over freezing up about it after more than half a decade, but no such luck!

On that note, I need to go… not be a person for a while. Take care. I remain, as always—

Your Secret Admirer

P. S. The song you said you liked was Rainbow In The Dark by Dio, off his Holy Diver album. It’s a good album, even if I’ve blown it with you I still hope you check it out sometime. 

Eddie drops the pen over the side of his bed, practically throwing it. He drops the notebook he’d scribbled the letter in to the floor; he’ll tear it out and mail it later. 

Probably. 

Maybe. 

He’ll think about it, once he’s done not wanting to think anything at all. 

~

Dear Secret Admirer,

Are you okay? I can’t call you back, so the best I can do right now is write. I shouldn’t have pushed you again, I keep doing that, like an idiot. 

I was having a nice time

Call back whenever, if I’m there I’ll pick up. Call back tonight even, except I can’t get this in the mail until tomorrow so never mind, but I won’t be mad, I promise. Or you can write to me. Please. At least to be friends, if you’re tired of how I always come on too strong (which is literally what Robin keeps telling me with that damn whiteboard all the time, go figure). And maybe you can tell me more about your music, like that one with the rainbows? I think that maybe you’ve been writing to me so much because maybe you’re lonely too, and I know how much that sucks. 

So, I’ll be here. Whoever you are, wherever, I hope you’re okay. Stay safe. 

— Steve

~

All Steve can think about is how stupid he was, pushing Secret Admirer like that. He hasn’t gotten a letter yet, and genuinely doesn’t know if he ever will again. 

Robin doesn’t ask why he’s quieter than usual during work for the next few days. Dustin returns from Camp Know Where and Steve tells him he doesn’t want ice cream because he has to stay in shape for the ladies, but it leaves the bad taste of a mostly-lie in his mouth. 

Because, oh yeah, breaking news: he thinks Secret Admirer is probably a guy. 

That would explain the adamant secrecy, the way the letters are careful not to suggest one or the other. No matter how embarrassing Steve is, a girl would have less to lose compared to a gay dude being outed in Hawkins. And he knows for a fact there were rumors circulating after Jonathan Byers gave him his first and mildest concussion in ‘83. Rumors about what he’d said, what he’d spat at the guy, all no doubt spread by Tommy and Carol. All his past actions coming together to prove that he can’t be trusted, can’t be confided in, even after everything. 

It’s almost secondary that it doesn’t seem to make a difference to his feelings. He may have fallen for someone who happens to be a guy—so what? It’s better than crushing loneliness. Better than no one caring. Better than being forgotten aside from his douchebag legacy at school and all his parents’ dashed aspirations for his future. 

Then Steve finds himself trapped in a Russian elevator with Robin, Dustin, and Lucas’s little sister (who should absolutely not be here, what the fuck were they thinking) and he just. 

He just regrets never getting to say goodbye. 

~ 

Eddie gets Steve’s letter the day he manages to crawl out of his room long enough to mail his own, checking his PO Box like a nervous tic. He’s absolutely floored by what he reads and screams into his pillow some more because it doesn’t change anything, because Steve wrote it while still not in possession of all the facts. 

After a drive out to Reefer Rick’s to replenish his stash, Eddie does the bare minimum of his regularly scheduled drop-offs. No rest for the wicked, because even the wicked need gas money and shit, but it’s all just halfhearted busy work. 

Then he goes home. Against all common sense and knowing that for the sake of his own heart he probably shouldn’t, he spends the rest of the day trying to call. Every time he punches in the numbers with his heart in his throat, but no one ever picks up. 

~

“Ask me anything,” Robin prods blearily from her stall. “Interrogate me.” 

Steve tries to think through the swimming in his head. “Okay, uh… When was the last time you peed your pants?”

“Today!”

He almost laughs. “No way. What?”

“When the Russian doctor brought his bone saw out. It was just a little bit though!” 

He can picture her holding one hand up, fingers pinched together to indicate a tiny amount. And, okay, fair. “Yeah it’s definitely in her system,” he mumbles to no one. 

“My turn,” she declares. “Have you… ever been in love?”

Steve does laugh this time, not because it’s funny but because the question hits him right between the eyes. “Shit, yeah, a couple times. Uh, first was Nancy Wheeler, junior year.”

“Ooooh… She’s such a priss, though.”

“Yeah, turns out, not so much.” He shrugs, even though she can’t see, hands dangling from where his arms are draped over his bare, scraped knees. There isn’t a part of him that doesn’t ache—including his stomach and throat now, fucking Russian drugs. 

“Huh.” Robin pauses. “So… who was second?”

Sighing, Steve drops his head back against the metal divider at his back. “That blind phone date I told you about.”

It’s a toss-up as to whether he’s admitting this because of the aforementioned drugs or because he’s just too tired to give a shit anymore. What does it really matter, at this point?

“Really? Wow. Okay, I didn’t realize that got so serious.”

Steve lets his eyes fall closed, despite what is likely his third concussion in almost as many years. “It kind of didn’t, I just got… over-invested, I guess. I don’t know if he’s going to write again anyway.”

“H… he?”

“I think so. It was a secret admirer kind of deal, so I never actually knew, but… every time I brought up meeting in person, things went wrong. And like an idiot I kept doing that, so. I don’t know for sure, but I think it might be over.”

Robin’s hand smacks on the tile floor—gross. “How do you not even know for sure after a phone date? Gay guys still sound like guys, Steve.”

“I know that,” he says, a little stung by her reproachful tone. “I talked and he didn’t, he just played some of his favorite songs for me to see if I liked them. Which I did, some of it. It was like, really hard rock or something, not what I usually listen to—”

“I’ll say, Mr. ‘No, Not My Wham! Cassette!’”

“—but it was okay. There were some really cool guitar parts.”

“And it… doesn’t bother you? That a guy was, uh, hitting on you?”

Again, Steve shrugs. “More writing love letters than just hitting on me, but… yeah. I was in pretty deep by the time I figured it out, but I guess not. Is it my turn to ask another question?”

“Um… Sure?”

He’s not sure why she sounds so nervous, figures it should be obvious what he’s going to ask next. It’s kind of a staple of their friendship at this point. “Who sent me that ice cream cone? The strawberry with rainbow sprinkles?”

Dead silence. 

“Robin?” he asks with a flicker of nerves, because, well. It’s been a long day. (Or two days? He’s lost track of how much time they’d spent underground.) “You OD over there?”

“No… I am alive,” she replies, but in such a quiet voice that it doesn’t really reassure him all that much. 

He shifts, scooting on his ass to get under the divider between them and pop back up on her side. It gives him a wedgie, but that’s the least of his problems. 

Robin wrinkles her nose at him. “Steve, these floors are disgusting.”

“Yeah, well, I’m already covered in blood and probably some puke, so.” He tests his tongue on his bottom lip, trying to decide if the split is still bleeding or if it just stings for the hell of it. “Who was it?”

She bites her own lip, then whispers, “Is it your secret admirer?”

“I’m ninety-nine percent sure,” he tells her. 

“Okay.” But she’s still hesitating. “Before I tell you… About what I said down there, about Click’s class. I wasn’t staring at you because of you, it… it was because she wouldn’t stop staring at you.”

Steve blinks, confused by the sudden change of topic. “Who? Mrs. Click?”

Robin shakes her head faintly without breaking eye contact, literally without blinking as she whispers, “Tammy Thompson.”

“But she’s a… Oh. Oooh.” He remembers Tammy. She’d always fawned over him in that class, back when he’d been so busy mourning the way things had gone with Nancy that he hadn’t given her the time of day. “Yeah, I guess I see the appeal. Pretty, perky, blonde… She’s a total dud though.”

Robin gapes at him. “What?”

He waves a hand. “I’d just broken up with Nancy, and she was all over me all the time, dropping these hints about wanting to go out. It’s like she wanted to be a rebound relationship.”

“So? She’s goal oriented!”

“She wouldn’t leave me alone! Also, she wants to be a country singer but she couldn’t hold a tune if someone put it in a bucket for her.”

Sputtering, Robin smacks at his shin, one of the few places he isn’t bloody or bruised. “I will not take this superiority from the guy who’s surprise-crushing on Eddie Munson!” 

Shock zings through Steve like he’s just had his fingers jammed into an electrical socket. “On—really?”

He remembers Munson too. Who wouldn’t? Loud and weird, and the guy had always seemed perpetually on, always bristled like a porcupine. Stalking around campus in a black leather jacket regardless of weather and ripped black jeans. (Dark colors.) That denim vest with all the weird band patches on it. (Music that Steve didn’t know anything about.) Big flashy rings on his fingers, and Steve knows he’s in some sort of band, probably has guitar calluses. (Hands that would give him away at a glance.) Up on cafeteria tables with his Hellfire Club shirt and long hair, taunting the jocks who gave his friends shit. (Nerd, check. Not into sports, triple check. He’s pretty sure the dude had failed gym at least once for refusing to wear gym shorts.)

Literally the last person in Hawkins who should’ve had eyes for King Steve.

“Munson likes me?” Steve can’t feel his face too well, what with the beating he’d taken earlier during interrogation, so he’s not sure if he’s blushing. His voice definitely does something funny on the last word, though. 

“He said not to tell you who it was from because he thought you might toss it if you knew it was from him,” Robin admits. “Which seemed like a reasonable concern at the time, but that’s because I didn’t know—”

But then Dustin bursts in on them. The kid looks frazzled, and from there on out it’s all running and more blood and a monster made out of people and fireworks and death, their bathroom conversation forgotten. 

~

Eddie had given up on calling around the time the fireworks show started over the mayor’s kiss-ass 4th of July fair. Downed a couple beers while trying not to wonder if Steve found a date to take. Is still awake when Wayne comes in from his shift, and wanders out of his room because anything’s got to be better than staring at the ceiling. 

“Starcourt burned down,” his uncle tells him while Eddie moves zombie-like through the motions of making them each a cup of coffee. “Radio said the police ain’t ruling out arson. Drove past it on the way, there’s search and rescue folks crawling all over the rubble lookin’ for survivors.”

After Wayne goes to bed, Eddie tries dialing Steve’s number one more time. 

No one answers. 

~

After much pleading from Robin, and since Steve’s car keys are still god knows where and his parents are out of town, the Buckleys graciously agree to let him stay in their guest room. It’s just as well, Robin insists; with the concussion, someone should be around to check on him every few hours. 

“That’s only for the first twenty-four,” he points out the next day. He knows the drill. 

“I don’t care,” Robin insists. “You took a beating to protect the rest of us. You could have been killed, Steve! I am checking on you every few hours for the rest of my life from now on, just see if I don’t.”

“Please don’t,” Steve groans, but he’s grinning. Despite the way his ribs and head throb, and the dark circle under the eye that isn’t literally still swollen shut, it’s nice to have someone to be normal with—not ignoring what had happened, he’d learned his lesson about that with Nancy, but taking it into account and then going ‘yes and.’  “Or at least make sure to always knock first.”

“Why w—Ew! Never mind, if you’re feeling good enough to make jokes then you’re probably fine, offer rescinded.”

“You’re still gonna,” Steve points out, then knocks back the painkillers she’s brought him. Mr. Buckley’s shoulder surgery prescription, meet two broken ribs, black eye, and recently re-set nose. 

She sits on the edge of the bed, next to the duffel bag of clothes from his house that her mom had driven her to pick up for him. “Yeah yeah, shut up.”

Silence settles over them for a moment while Steve tries to get comfortable. And fails. His ribs really aren’t doing him any favors today. The discomfort is why he’s still in unflatteringly baggy shorts borrowed from Mr. Buckley and a t-shirt Robin had thrown at his head as a joke (and then helped him out on, since he can’t lift his arms that high without wanting to scream) that declares him a fan of Siouxsie and the Banshees. 

He has no idea how to pronounce Siouxsie and is kind of afraid to ask. 

“Sooo,” Robin starts. “Eddie Munson, huh?”

“Uh.” Steve can’t run a hand through his hair with his stupid ribs, not when he’s not running entirely on adrenaline or before the painkillers kick in, so he settles for twiddling his thumbs. “Yeah? I guess so. His letters are… They’re really good, Rob. I kinda don’t know why he keeps writing when my replies are so crappy. Like… I can’t even do them justice trying to explain.”

“Huh.” She waits a beat. “Well, I checked your mailbox, just in case, and there was a hand-addressed envelope that I brought back for you—”

Ribs be damned, Steve lunges for that duffel.

Tag list (and if you missed the earlier chapters check the "#secret admirer steddie" tag on my blog): @hotluncheddie @lawrencebshoggoth @sofadofax @tangerinesteve @steviewashere

@cryingglightningg @theresebelivett @sleepy-steve @rozzieroos @lunaraindrop

@just-my-latest-hyperfixation @wheneverfeasible @swimmingbirdrunningrock @yesdangerpls @matchingbatbites

@ihavekidneys @p0lybl4nkk @grtwdsmwhr @cheesedoctor @whalesharksart

@thetinymm @envyadams-vs-me @practicallybegging @imhereforthelolzdontyellatme @dauntlessdiva

@nerdyglassescheeseychick @fuzzyduxk @chaosgremlinmunson @greatwerewolfbeliever @goosesister

@dolphincliffs @friendlyneighborhoodgaycousin @beckkthewreck @pitrsattabhaadmeinjao

[sterredem]

Red

F1 grid x singer!driver!reader

Face claim Taylor Swift

Warning hate(?), long, not proofread, spelling mistakes

Summary Y/n had a past in music. But it isn’t a past anymore…

Part 2

A/N it’s pretty long and there will be a part 2… I’m also in love with it so I hope y’all like it. Part 2 will be out soon.

Instagram

Liked by Charles_Leclerc and 1.262.324 others

Yourusername Another great result. P3! We are very happy with this result and we will all try and keep this up for the upcoming races. See you next China.

View all 286.735 comments

Charles_Leclerc Great job Y/n!

ScuderiaFerrarie Have a nice break y/n!

User1 P3 LETS GOOOO

User2 This is why she is my fav driver

User3 How can one be so gorgeous

User4 it’s amazing to see how accepting the grid has been with a girl on the grid

User5 yeah it’s great to see!

User6 The aesthetic is just amazing

User7 it’s amazing to see how much she has grown over the past few years. Not only in the literal sense but also mentally and in her driving

User8 ❤️♥️

User9 She and Lewis always slay with their outfits

User10 FR! It’s like their runway show atp

User11 We love to see it!

User12 🏎️🏎️

User13 do you need a dog? I can bark

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Instagram

12.735 likes

Kymillam STREET STYLE

Y/n y/l/n has arrived at the paddock in China, and as always shows of her great sense of style. #f1 #Y/nY/l/n #FormulaOne

View all 48 comments

User1 Looking good as always

User2 the bad being the most expensive part of the outfit is so funny for no reason😭

User3 🔥🔥🔥

User4 she always looks so good

User5 if only het driving was as good as her sense of style

User6 so true. Because her sense of style could never be as good as her driving

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Twitter

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Instagram

Liked by TaylorLauntner and 1.635.735 others

Yourusername P1! Another great result this week. I’ll remember this weekend all too well. Onto Miami➡️

View all 273.836 comments

LewisHamilton Well done!

Fernandoalo_Oficial bravooooo👏🙌

alex_albon congrats!!!!👏💪

Charles_Leclerc

Scuderiaferrari Bravo y/n!! Very proud❤️

OllieBearman Congrats❤️

User1 LETS GOOOO!

User2 Bravooo

User3 P1! LFGGOOOOO

User4 amazing race!!

User5 wait… all too well?? As in the song that she released before she same to f1???

User6 WHAT?!?! Explain??

User5 I’ll make a twitter thread!!

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Twitter

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Instagram

Liked by PhoebeBridgers and 1.827.826 others

Yourusername Not the best results but hit some good points. But in the mean time I had some fun time at the beach. Also congrats to Lando for p1. Onto Imola

View all 375.626 comments

PhoebeBridgers I would say it is nothing new for you

User6 ?!?!?!?⁉️⁉️⁉️

User7 still a great job Y/n!!

User8 gorgeous

User9 new music when??

User10 The livery was a great disappointment

User11 Y/N WORLD DOMINATION!!

User12 do you remember it all too well?!

User13 ♥️♥️❤️❤️

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Instagram

Liked by EdSheeran and 1.726.836 others

Yourusername a great result for the team had some good points with P3. Congrats to Charles with P1! Al so I think I lost my scarf anyone see it?

View all 276.826 comments

EdSheeran I have no idea where the scarf could be. But I feel like everything has changed

User1 SCARF?? AS IN ALL TOO WELL??

User2 P3 and p1 LETS GOOO

User3 The random photos😂 I’m crying

User4 MY FAV DRIVER FOR A REASON!!

User5 how can a person be so perfect?

User6 Ferrari world domination!

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instagram

Liked by OliviaRodrigo and 3.762.635 others

Yourusername Suprise! My brand new (and first) album RED is out now!! This is a secret I have been keeping for quite a while and I am very happy to share it with you all! This is a project that is very close to me, and I have worked on this album for 3 years. A few songs may sound familiar to you but I promise, it will be beter. Also thank you very much to all the people that have helped me make this all possible. More surprises coming your way soon!❤️

View all 853.736 comments

Charles_Leclerc very proud of you Y/n!

Landonorris I will hear this so many times that I will get sick of it

LewisHamilton Amazing album Y/n!

Maxverstappen1 P and Kelly won’t stop playing it. Very proud of you

Scuderiaferrari Aleays knew you loved red❤️

OscarPiastri Alreafy my favourite album

Logansargeant Album of the year

OliviaRodrigo SO PROUD!!!

PhoebeBridgers AHHH! FINALLY OUT!!

EdSheeran Amazing!

User1 WHAT?!?!

User2 SO THAT WAS ALL THE SHADY COMMENTS ANS CAPTIONS!!

User3 the last time is a banger argue with the wall

User4 All too well TEN MINITE VERSION?!?!

User5 Message in a bottle is the best EVER

User6 Ronan�� I’m crying😭😭

User7 this is the most confusing album ever. One second I’m jumping and screen ing and the other one I’m crying on the ground

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Instagram

Liked by SadieSink and 4.826.826 others

Yourusername coming soon…

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Instagram

Liked by SabrinaCarpenter and 5.836.625 others

Yourusername The first poster…

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Instagram

Liked by DylanOBrien and 8.826.826 others

Yourusername All Too Well the short film out now! This is one of the things that I have always dreamed of making and now it is here! Thank you so much @DylanOBrien and @Sadiesink for helping me achieve this and playing in this film. I hope you all love it as much as I do… more coming soon…

View all 565.625 comments

DylanOBrien Thank you for this amazing opportunity!

SafieSink it was amazing working with you!

Charles_Leclerc a real piece of art

LewisHamilton One of the best works I have seen. Great job to you all

User8 SADIE AND DYLAN?? THE DUO WE DIDNT KNOW WE NEEDED

User9 Watching the bts and then realising that the scene in the kitchen was improvised and was t supposed to be bearded is just insane. Great job to the actors and Y/n for the acting and directing

User10 The acting in this is just incredible

User12 wait what do you meen more coming soon????

User13 AAAAHHH ALL MY FAVS IN ONE VIDEO!!

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Instagram

Liked by BonIver and 9.625.836 others

Yourusername Coming soon…

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[insidefernweh]

Well, hello.

A couple months ago one silly woman (me) decided that it’s time for creativity to take a hold of her and let something cool into this world.

And that’s how I decided to give birth to…a The Amazing Devil blanket. Or I might have dreamed it whilst being feverish. Who knows.

It’s been three months of stitching, embroidering, sewing, unmaking the mistakes, cursing, saying ‘waahheeey’ at the end of the complete step, cursing again and enjoying the hell out of the process of something being made into the realness. 

It is literally the embodiment of me. I love it and hate it equally. It has got my favourite quotes from the songs. Yes, that’s me — your favourite girl with maelstrom of lyrics instead of a brain. It also has got some of my blood somewhere along the stitches (did i do it on purpose to please the fae gods aka Joey and Madeleine? you’ll never know. hashtag blood magic.) I wanted to get it done for the Ruin Appreciation Week (though it contains lyrics from all albums) so that was me last week because it was very FAR from being done:

I’m posting the bigger picture + close ups of smaller details and songs’ lyrics. Please feel free to reach out if you want to see a better close up or just to pat me on the head.

I’m posting a video too. It’s silly so enjoey. (ha! see what I did here. that was a typing accident. it’s 1am now. forgive me my jokes.)

warning: the video include some probably offensive actions to the professional seamstresses. i’m only a humble ignorant person who decided to sew for the first time in her life. i do hope you’ll like it.

references used:

the central embroidery: TAD’s old picture from some posters back in the love run era + some sage and forget-me-nots

top right and left bottom corners: pictures of joey and madeleine

songs: secret worlds, the calling, inkpot gods, drinking song for the socially anxious, chords, farewell wanderlust, not yet/love run (reprise), that unwanted animal, battle cries, elsa’s song, wild blue yonder

UPD: A few of you have been asking about the quotes I used on my blanket/quilt and why I chose them so here I am:

If you ask me for my fire, just watch me burn — you know what, I recently started to interpret this line in a positive way? It was a recent thing I understood about myself. I always thought I was good at working/doing things well in the long run, when you have to do it patiently and for years but in my journey of self-discovery I realized that in reality I’m much better as a sprinter — someone who does an incredible job while being under the vast amount of pressure and when you need to do it in a restricted period of time; I will give all of myself to this project/work, every bit of passion I have, every bit of patience. So yeah. If you ask me for my fire — just watch me burn. But then I’ll hibernate for a month. 

Can’t you hear it howling? — OKAY HANDS DOWN PROBABLY MY FAVOURITE LYRICS/MELODY SECTION FROM THE WHOLE RUIN ALBUM. Even not the part that is sung by Madeleine, but the back voices Joey’s harmonies sing in the final chorus at 4:28 and till the end. OOOOH WHY SO GOOD.

If I don’t make it back from where i’ve gone just know I loved you all along — this is such a beautiful closing of the song. also such a tormenting thought. i love it.

Such endless blue — I’ve always been drawn to the dark blue colours, especially when I paint. I always run out of the blue watercolour because contrary to this song, it’s not endless :D I’m manifesting an abyss of blue watercolour for myself here lol

You say the words so often but I barely know the meaning — okay so Elsa’ Song is primarily pretty heartbreaking right? The more heartbreaking part being that it is sung as a lullaby. Who didn’t have that moment when the meaning of the words you’re saying slips through your fingers just because you said them too often? Who didn’t have that sad awakening moment of losing trust in a person just because they always promised something and never did it?

After summers of fasting I feel hunger at last — I’ve been thinking about tattooing this quote for quite a while now. It reminds me of my depressive state which very often returned to me in summer and every time it slowly creeped away, I felt the hunger for life in the early autumn.  Every time felt like an eternity. 

Is nought but fumble-falls and guns and tumbleweeds, love, run — my favourite quote from the superior use of the English language that is that section in Love Run. I am in love with it. All the phonetic twirls makes me shiver sometimes.

Well, hello my hollow Holofernes — ALLITERATION SUPREMACY!!  

I’ll sing silence and ask my glass of wine for guidance — i love to sit at home alone and stare into my glass. it doesn’t answer though. what about it. and again — to sing silence? OXYMORONS GIVE ME THEM

Go tell me how we fucked you up and oh my god, it’s so unfair — ah. the hardship of parenting/teaching. I was there, I remember it all too well. 

Let’s us waltz for the dead — the oxymoronic style of this line IS JUST A CHEF’S KISS. WALTZ? VERY SOPHISTICATED THING? FOR THE DEAD? NOT THAT PLEASANT TYPE OF A THING? mister batey let me boop you affectionately on the nose you are so clever.

[landofzero-archive]

Eden TRIP Album MC Talk Series

Season: ☆

MC 1

Hiyori: “Thank you for coming to our, Eden’s, independent live today! It sure is a blessing to be able to celebrate the album release together!

We’ve loaded our love into the songs to be delivered to you. Receive them without leaving out a single one, okay……♪”

Jun: “The first song we performed was KEEP OUT.

How was this song that was specifically written for the album?”

Nagisa: “…… I’m glad that you seem to like it. KEEP OUT means ‘no trespassing’.

…… We’re going to break into everyone’s hearts. Into the shining paradise, like a lurking viper.”

Ibara: “And then we will slowly and carefully pour poison into you, and show you sweet dreams.

So that tonight’s stage may become an unforgettable memory……♪”

Jun: “Afterwards, we’ll perform two songs; one after the other~ That first song is—”

Nagisa and Ibara: “…… Melting Rouge Soul.”

MC 2

Ibara: “Melting Rouge Soul from Adam, and Ruby Love from Eve have been performed.

Both of these were songs unveiled at Chocolat Fes— during Valentine’s season.

Nagisa: “…… Yeah. At that time, the fact that both Adam and Eve were releasing new songs at the same time became a hot topic.

…… The cheering during the moment Ibara and I said “Melting Rouge Soul” felt really good.”

Ibara: “Fufu. I’m sure there are a lot of people who did not expect it because it’s called Eden’s independent live.

I told you, didn't I? That I’ll show you sweet dreams……♪”

Hiyori: “Adam’s fans, Eve’s fans, as well as Eden’s fans—

Today we will satisfy every single person who loves us.

You’re prohibited from looking away! Keep your eyes on us till the very end♪

Jun-kun, you can’t blink either!”

Jun: “Eeh, please let me blink~ My eyes will get dry.

Oh, seems like they got everything ready while we were talking. The next song will be a solo song.

Ibara Saegusa’s— Salute Desire.”

MC 3

Ibara: “— That was Salute Desire

Oops. Thank you for the warm applause.

Though I endeavored to give a more perfect performance than usual—

During a solo song, everyone’s gazes are concentrated on me from every possible angle, so my mind could not even be inattentive for even a single moment.

Above all else, I’m glad that you were satisfied♪

Now, let me briefly introduce myself.

I am Eden’s Ibara Saegusa. Salute~☆

As you see, alongside my idol activities, I’m also serving concurrently as the producer of Eden and the vice president of the agency.

I’m very happy to be able to deliver the new song as well as the accompanying event to everyone.

I will continue to work energetically, so I ask you to please continue to treat Eden and Cosmic Production well☆

The next song will be brought to you by the four members of Eden.

Let us show you our way of life— Paradise Banishment -Faith Conquest-”

MC 4

Nagisa: “…… We’ve performed Paradise Banishement -Faith Conquest-.

…… It was first unveiled during Conquest wasn’t it. It’s a song containing Eden’s faith.

…… Hiyori-kun doesn’t really like it, I wonder?”

Hiyori: “No. I like the song itself. It’s a song that’s just like Eden.

But I’ve had enough of Conquest! Even if it’s a farce, I don’t want to act like we’re fighting and hating each other.

We’re aaaalways been the best united, mutually loving, unit—

I’m sure the fans don’t want to see us like that too.”

Nagisa: “…… I agree. The loud cheers that could shake the whole venue is the greatest proof of that.

…… Let’s keep getting along, Hiyori-kun.

…… As an ‘equal friend.’”

Hiyori: “Yes. ‘Equal’……♪

-Now now, next would be something everyone has been waiting for, my solo song!

Accept My Love— accept my love……!”(1)

TL Note:

He translates “Accept My Love” into Japanese here.

MC 5

Hiyori: “Thank you for listening to Accept My Love!

Yes yes. You’re smiling so much, I’m happy too☆

I’ll follow Ibara’s example and introduce myself. I am Eden’s Hiyori Tomoe!

Life isn’t all about fun. There’s times where you feel depressed and like you want to cry.

When that happens, it’s good to look at me. Because I’m the one who shines bright like the sun☆

Listen to my songs, and follow the productions I appear in—

Just imitate me and smile! Since I always have a smile on my face!

If you smile, the people around you will also smile. It’s a happiness chain reaction. What fine weather……☆

Now! Let’s move on to the next song, shall we?

All four of us will perform it, so please give us all of your support.

Eden’s— EXCEED.”

MC 6

Jun: “I’ve just performed EXCEED. This song is—”

Ibara: “Isn’t this a song with a shady history for you, Jun?”

Jun: “Wait a sec. Could you please stop saying misleading things~?

It’s not like it’s got a shady history or anything, umm……

When we released this song, I had lost my confidence and kept makin’ mistakes.

But then, Ibara went out of character and comforted me by saying,’Why do you lose confidence when there are people who view you so favorably?’……”

Ibara: “‘Out of character’ is superfluous.”

Jun: “Haha. I won’t be able to be the same as Ohiisan, Nagi-senpai, or Ibara, but to that extent—

No. That’s why, as Jun Sazanami, I’ll continue to put in the effort as myself.

Eden is where I belong, y’know~

Haha, thank you for all the applause. Sorry if I sounded like I was urging y’all to do something.”

Ibara: (Whispering) …… Honestly, Jun really was an idiot during that time.

There are so many people who love you.

Jun: “Hm? I couldn’t hear it over the applause, but you said something, right?”

Ibara: “No, it’s nothing. Please continue talking about yourself after you finish singing.

Now then, please listen. Jun Sazanami’s— Unlock the Soul.”

MC 7

Jun: “Hello, everyone. It’s Eden’s Jun Sazanami.

How was Unlock the Soul?

The lyrics were good, weren’t they~. When I sing them, I get excited.

Speaking of lyrics, apparently Ibara wrote the lyrics to the song I just sang, EXCEED, for me.

Wha~t? People might think I sound conceited when I say that.

But Nagi-senpai said it was to help me get over my slump or something. There’s no doubting it~

Well. That Ibara, he can be really kind sometimes~♪

Haha. Ibara’s looking at me from the side of the stage with a face like he just swallowed a bitter bug.

I shouldn’t get carried away, or I’ll probably get scolded later~

Now that I’ve told a story just for this special occasion, let’s get to the next song.

Eden’s— Absolute Perfection.”

MC 8

Nagisa: “…… Absolute Perfection. This is the first song we performed at Absolute.

…… I am God♪

…… Ibara, please look. Everyone’s rejoicing.”

Ibara: “It seems so. Unlike Absolute’s stage, this is a country where countless gods rule.”

Nagisa: “…… That’s not the only reason.

…… There are many people here who love us. They weren’t present at Absolute either.”

Ibara: “Indeed. The presence of fans is an idol’s strength—their powerful weapon.

However. It’s not normal for Eden to be completely dependent on our fans.

Let’s be ourselves and make a triumphant return to Absolute with our utmost strength.

Then, we will receive our laurels and make ourselves known. Eden are the best idols in the world.”

Nagisa: “…… Yes. I’m sure our fans want that as well.

…… Because we’re the strongest idols, Eden.

…… Next, I’ll perform my solo song.”

Ibara: “Everyone please listen. Nagisa Ran’s—We’re all alone.”

MC 9

Nagisa: “…… You just listened to We’re all alone.

…… I’m Eden’s Nagisa Ran. Thank you for coming to our live today.

…… Each song has its own memories. I was remembering all that happened while singing.

…… I wonder if you all have had the same experience? Since music and memories are connected to one another and committed to memory.

…… I wonder if everyone has some kind of emotional attachment to Eden’s songs.

…… If possible, I would like to ask each and every one of you individually. But, it would be difficult to do that today.

…… It would make me happy if you could let me know through a letter or handshake event.

…… I hope our songs may touch everyone’s hearts.

…… ‘The eternal paradise that touches the heart’— that’s what Eden is.

…… And now, it’s almost time for the end.

…… We’ll perform two songs in a row at the end. Eden’s— Awakening Myth.”

MC 10

Nagisa: “……  It’s a shame, but let’s close the door to paradise.”

Jun: “It was nice to meet you. Thank you for coming to Eden’s independent live today!

Did you all have fun at our live?”

Hiyori: “You got to see my finest performance, so it must have been fun!

I swear on Ibara’s glasses that it’s true☆”

Ibara: “Could you please not involve me? If you’re going to swear on something, swear on Jun’s life instead.”

Hiyori: “That’s no good! Jun-kun’s life is mine!”

Jun: “My life is my own. Could you not swear on it so casually~?”

Nagisa: “…… Hey, can I close the door to paradise?”

Jun: “C’moon, Nagi-senpai is bothered now, isn’t he?”

Hiyori: “Don’t make it sound like it’s my fault! It’s collective responsibility!”

Jun: “Alright alright. Now then, let’s meet again some time soon.”

MC 11

Ibara: “Everyone! Thank you for the magnificent encore!”

Nagisa: “…… The door to paradise opened right away.”

Hiyori: “No. It didn’t open on its own, we had to open it. With the power of everyone’s love♪

That’s why we also have to respond with love. Let’s share the love with everyone here.”

Jun: “The last song is, of course, this song!— BRAND NEW STARS!!!”

MC 12

Jun: “That was BRAND NEW STARS!!! This is truly the end.

We did our best, though. When I think about how it’s over, I feel lonely after all, huh~”

Hiyori: “Everyone, thank you for singing with us! Thank you for your magnificent smiles!

Please come and see me again! I’ll be waiting♪”

Nagisa: “…… The door to paradise shall close again.

…… But I’m sure we’ll meet again. Without stopping, we’ll continue to grow.”

Ibara: “The latest information about Eden is always posted on the official SNS. Please take make use of it☆

Thank you for coming today! We’ll see you soon, salute~♪”

[easybrainrot34]

🖼️Lil Benedict Bridgerton Headcanons Pt 2🖼️

Woohoo part 2 baby!! Part 1 is right here! Some of these are modern!AU some of these are Regency era. As I said before I am truly a ✨slut✨ for this man. Hope y’all enjoy 😊

All r fluff and crack. Bonus Polin Headcanon ❤️

🎨= modern!AU

🎻= Renaissance era

🎨🎻= either

Also mentioned : Colin, Anthony, Kathony, Queer!Eloise, Gregory, and Polin

Ps, my ask and request r open :)

🎨 He went on a gap year before college to travel the world. He went kinda everywhere but he’s not one of those people that’s pretentious and has to talk about it all the time (no shade Colin, he’s more of an excited puppy about where he’s been anyway)

🎨 During cov!d he really honed in on his skills as an artist but also got really into skincare and hair care. Now he does a whole curly hair care routine because even though I can see him keeping his hair on the shorter side, he still likes it to have a little body.

🎨🎻 He would never admit it to Anthony (at least sober) but he wants the love that Kate and Anthony have for each other. He is such a hopeless romantic and I think he wants nothing more in this world than to find someone he feels he truly can’t live without.

🎻 Now we all know Benedict goes to balls more out of family obligation than actually wanting to, but I truly feel like once he’s married, he wants you to throw balls every season. He loves being able to show you off and what better setting them a ball with you as the person of honor. I also feel like he would enjoy throwing balls/parties for his more artistic, not part of the ton friends.

🎨 Now let’s say this is a modern AU where Eloise is a lesbian and our dear Ben is bisexual. I feel like when Eloise came out to him and said “I’m gay” he said, with no hesitation “you too?” I feel like the next day this man would just barge into her place with a gift bag full of Girl in Red, Chappell Roan, and Raneé Rapp albums, a pride flag, and a Carabiner. She would give him the “these are all stereotypes” lecture, but truly she appreciates it.

🎨🎻 I feel like he is very weak willed when it comes to his nieces and nephews. Like he is the favorite uncle, yes it took him bribing the kiddos, and yes he has no shame about it. He would stay firm with them (respecting the majority of set rules) but he will let them get away with small things. It will take him having his own kiddos to understand where everyone is coming from. (trust & believe that the siblings take their revenge)

🎨 He’s weak for a sundress. Weather it’s a cute little flower print, or a simple solid color, he just loves a little flowy sundress. I can’t explain it. It’s just this man’s weakness. (Btw this is what I mean when I say sundress, because apparently the Internet is having a debate about this right now lol)

🎻 Y’all remember when people were painting on each other’s bodies during Covid? Yeah he would do that. I feel like he would very much use u as a canvas during yall’s honeymoon. I feel like it would also end in a little ✨spicy time✨

🎨 While I can really see this man not giving a fck about whether he is fit or not I feel like as he starts to get a little bit older (late 30s early 40s) he would sign up for the gym. I feel like this will be a combination of him wanting to, but also Anthony, Colin, and Gregory would tease him about getting a “dad bod”. He knows though that you love it so he wouldn’t try to get too fit, just enough to be a little toned.

🎨🎻BONUS🎻🎨

He has such a fondness for Pen. This man is in her corner, if her and Colin get into a fight he automatically is taking her side. If he sees Cressida doing some shady sh!t he’s calling her out right then and there. I also feel once Colin and Pen announce their engagement, he would go to her and say “I’m sorry it took him so long to realize what we all knew” AHHH I JUST KNOW HE SHIPS POLIN!!!

[bettyshoweduptotheparty]

1989 - The story of two muses

Back to my first and forever love – Lyric analysis!

1989 is very close to my heart, and I have always found it noticeable that this album has quite a contrast between love songs about a very up and down/anxiety filled relationship on one hand, and the very raw and heartfelt romance as portrayed in ‘This Love’ and YAIL on the other.

And the 5 new vault songs we have on Taylor’s version now have added quite a bit of detail to the picture that emerges and I’m more convinced than ever that there are two distinct relationships/muses being described and I fancied doing a deep dive into how each one is described in the music and how the themes connect to other songs. (And it may even explain the beach theme 😉)

Ok, so, I have actually sorted every song from 1989 that is about a romantic relationship, including the 5 new vault tracks, into this scheme (even though I found some really hard!)

Muse 1 – “The heartbreaker” This relationship is described as very up and down, very anxiety-driven, something you can’t walk away from like an addiction, “against your better knowledge but can’t help myself” kind of way. Taylor has described this person as ‘the one that might one day interrupt your wedding, because you’re never truly over’.  Break up: ‘you left me’.

Muse 2 – “The one that came back” While this relationship is by no means described as perfect, it has a very different tone to it. It’s very much based in secure feelings, ‘us against the world’, any difficulty faced is worth it. Break up: ‘had to let it go’. And the person came back when it counted.

(Sorry about the pictures, I couldn't fit a table in any other way)

I am really impressed with how much just five new songs have furthered the story of these two relationships and I (personally) love how much this is filling in the blanks and makes everything make so much more sense. 'You can hear it in the silence' vs 'Now your silence has me screaming' almost killed me, honestly. She really found the love that needs no words. 🥰 And the direct contrast of the metaphors, one relationship as an addiction with very high highs and very low lows, and the other as the calm waves on the shore that continually come in and out with the tide, is just so masterfully done, I love it. And I think given the beach theme of the 1989 TV covers, we can guess which of the muses is being honoured in this re-branding.

Lyrical connections to later albums

Perhaps not surprisingly, these two muses and their lyrical themes show up again in Taylor’s music in later albums. The connection I’ve already seen a lot of people make is the playing cards reference from Say Don’t Go (‘I’m trying to see the cards that you won’t show’) linking to Cornelia Street (‘back when we were card sharks, playing games’). And I love how this tells the story of someone whose previous relationship impacts how they react in a new relationship. Because the person in Say Don’t Go really did lead her on and played her and then left, whereas the Cornelia Street muse didn’t but Taylor thought as much based on her previous experience (‘I THOUGHT you were leading me on…but then you called, showed your hand…’).

Another parallel to Lover songs is the ‘light in the dark’ theme that starts in This Love with “lantern burning/ flickered in my mind for only you”, which feels very similar to “chandelier still flickering here” from Death by A Thousand Cuts. This relationship/lover is the light that perseveres in the dark, even if it’s just flickering, it never goes out. It lights up the darkness (‘glowing in the dark’), whereas the other relationship is a “shot in the darkest dark”. We obviously get a whole lot more songs in later albums that reference love as light in the darkness, most prominently in Daylight, the Lover album closer. But more subtly, I also think that “Takin’ your time in the tangerine neon light” from Slut, and “hang your head low in the glow of the vending machine” from Cruel Summer follow that same pattern. Something that illuminates the darkness. And just btw, Slut and Cruel Summer give me a very similar vibe in terms of different takes on the same situation…anyone else get that? But one last, maybe more subjective, connection is the line “I’ll pay the price, you won’t”. Which everyone immediately took as a comment on double standards between men and women, but I think it could also be interpreted to mean ‘I’ll happily pay the price and take the hit, so you don’t have to’, if you interpret the song to be about dating a man in public to keep a female partner out of the public eye.  With that in mind, the line becomes very reminiscent of ‘I can never give you peace’ from folklore, both expressing that Taylor wants to shield her lover from the media scrutiny that comes with dating her.  

Suburban Legends alone has so many links to later songs that I had to give it its own paragraph. The chorus ‘I didn’t come here to make friends’ is so ‘I don’t want you like a best friend’ coded, and ‘We were born to be suburban legends’ gives me big reputation/big conversation vibes. Other people have already pointed out that ‘flushed with the currency of cool’ draws links to Gold Rush and Gorgeous (‘You’re so cool it makes me hate you so much’) and ‘so magnetic it’s almost obnoxious’ is very similar to ‘magnetic force of a man’ from Lover. All painting the picture of a person who is so cool and alluring that they feel almost unattainable. The whole premise of the song being that the narrator didn’t come to make friends, but instead is on a mission to get what they want, feels very Mastermind to me. The background music over the outro confirms that, as it’s the same production as Mastermind (I call it ‘game show music’ 😊) and the lyrics saying that the muse now doesn’t knock anymore, suggests to me that maybe the masterplan has worked. Lastly, the conclusion of the song being ‘my life is ruined/I always knew it’ is a different way of saying I’ll happily ruin myself for you, as in ‘for you I’d ruin myself a million little times’ from Illicit Affairs.

We don’t get nearly as many references to the first muse’s themes in later music, but ‘fell from the pedestal, right down the rabbit hole” from Long Story Short is a nice drawback to the wonderland theme. Bottom line though, ‘It was the wrong guy…’.

And there we have it, the story of the two muses of 1989. If anybody here is even remotely as excited by lyrical analysis as I am, this one is for you, and feel free to have a friendly chat in the comments if I’ve missed anything!

[rahuratna]

Hi rahuuuuu!!

My mind is fresh and awake (it’s one am), so I can continue the conversation about thoughts Gojo now. Just now, I was staring at the beautiful album cover art for jjk s2. I’ll attach it below:

He’s so fine— off topic. The first thing that stood out to me was… guess who is in the reflection of the glasses! Suguru Geto, of course. Gojo only has six eyes for him. And we take a look at the red side, there’s no more Geto. And I think that’s the point of this entire piece: how Gojo is like before and after Geto. It’s compare and contrast, and we get to see it side by side. This is a good opportunity to look at the differences in 1.) design, 2.) background/foreground, and 3.) expression.

1. Design

Here I’ll point out the height difference of the neck collar thingy (what’s it called?). On the left, we see more of Gojo’s face and on the right, his face is more hidden from view. This reminds me of a barrier. The taller collar is where Gojo doesn’t necessarily hide entirely behind— we can still see his expression after all— but something that separates him from the viewer. And for me, this personally resonates with me because I didn’t feel much of a connection to him in season one, but when we got to his backstory, I was actually able to. In terms of the storyline, I think it applies similarly. While he forms genuine connections with his colleagues and students, they do not get to see the entirety of Gojo because of this, like you said, self-imposed barrier.

2. Background.

Okay, so I’m pretty sureeee we know about the blue and red themes. The blue spring, and then specialz red for destruction and chaos (red like the fiery sparks which is on par with sukuna, jogo, and incineration in general). Not gonna go deep into it. But the foreground!! You see these black splotches, something we’d associate with corruption or something tainted. And maybe it’s just me overanalyzing but I really appreciate how the artist chooses to skew the splotches towards the red side which is in line with the red destruction theme.

3. Expression

Loss of innocence is what I see. No more smiley face (oh my gosh, I want to give Gojo a hug…) and also the blood smeared on his face. Literally and figuratively, he has blood on his hands now. He is responsible— or he feels responsible— for all the lives he couldn’t save. And that’s Geto included. Gojo was Geto’s executioner, and so Geto’s life was in his hands. Not just at the very end, but from the start too, relating to how Gojo blames himself for his best friend’s defection.

Now let’s connect back to my first point on where Gojo is looking. Gojo looks only at Geto at first. Geto was his focus, Geto made up a significant part of Gojo’s world. And we move on to the red side of the picture. One thing is clear, there is no more Geto. It is clear that Gojo is not looking at Geto, and so where is he looking off too? I suppose it’s a bit ambiguous and can be left to interpretation but my assumption is “ahead.” Gojo is looking ahead past something ahead, or further away from where Geto stood. He’s looking towards something that— and this is very subjective by the way— feels much bigger than just one person. Here I am referring to Gojo’s mission: to rebuild the jujutsu system with a new generation of strong sorcerers. Why do I say one feels bigger than the other? Well with Geto, there was a finite point where he actually existed in front of gojo. And with Gojo looking ahead towards the future, there is no finite point. There’s no end. Doesn’t this hit so hard with the whole being of jujutsu kaisen? There’s no end to corruption, no end to the conflict between not just curses and sorcerers, but also between humans too. It’s literally in the name. Jujutsu kaisen means “endless battle of curses.”

[Oh, side note: I just think that it’s so interesting how curses and humans are very intertwined and similar yet curses and humans alienate each other. (Even humans do it to each other with racism and ideological differences…). Curses don’t even have to take the form of the monsters we see in the series, it already exists even without a medium between humans. Like with Junpei being bullied. Or even when Gojo says that “love is the most twisted curse of all.”]

Anyways, when Gojo looks ahead, I interpret it as that he moved on from Geto.

[Pause again: I knowwww there’s a lot of fanfics, headcanons, and fanart that show how they pine for each other behind closed doors. Pining as in like they yearn deeply to be with each other again. And I totally eat it up hehehehe. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, I enjoy the content very much! But in context with the series, to me I would very unfortunately have to disagree.]

I do think that Gojo moved on from Geto. Not that he can’t miss him or can’t feel a fondness for his best friend. But I think there’s a reason why Gojo does not completely forgo his values to be with Geto. (Oh but how I do love the fanarts that show what would happen if he did. It’s absolutely delicious 🤤). I actually think they maybe moving is a bit insensitive of me to say? Because Geto will always have his own special place in Gojo’s heart/soul. Perhaps a sense of resignation. Knowing that reaching out wouldn’t be any good but only serve as a painful reminder of their now vast difference. In the end though, we know that Gojo is looking forward at something that is beyond one person (ugh this hurts to say… but it’s also what I think but I don’t want to think it but I do…). Something that has no end point.

Just like what Geto said.

So what do you think? Would you say Gojo moved on/forwars? Maybe Gojo really does pine down bad over Geto behind closed doors! I totally indulge the idea 😏 😏

It makes my heart palpitate hehehehe. Then my brain is like “Gojo is a man with goals, dude… he don’t have time and his goals just seem so big!” Then my heart is like “yeah, well their relationship is on another level of big in a way you cannot compare. How dare u compare. It is not comparable.” Heart wins this round. Because if I do compare the relationship between Gojo and Geto and versus Gojo’s ideologies, I’d be overlooking soooo many things because I’m only comparing one aspect of each. That’s not fair! So it’s important for me to be more mindful in that way, and i’d like to be better with the way I frame these thoughts with my words ^^

I hope that the little art analysis is interesting! I tried my best to tie it in with the storyline and big themes of jjk. I also love music analysis. Ahhhhh, I could do one about “Hollow Purple” but I do not know if people would understand what I’d be rambling about LOL. Hope you are having an amazing amazing day!!

🤩💗🤩💗🤩💗,

Court 💜

Good morning my fellow STEM-girlie, sweetheart @courtneedsleep Your analysis arrives ... to help me through a lazy Sunday afternoon, lol. My brain needs to wake up!

Do you know, I actually haven't seen this art before. It's symbolism and the juxtaposition of the colours and moods are very striking. So, the same elements that you mentioned immediately jump out at me.

1. The collar design. Like you said, the higher collar seems to create a barrier between the reader and Gojo. There is that idea of a protective shield being built between Gojo and the rest of the world, not just to protect himself, but to protect the ideals he comes to hold so highly above everything else. Gojo IS an idealistic man, in his own way, just like Nanami and Kusakabe. Although made jaded and cynical by their experiences and the burdens they carry, they keep these secret flames burning inside themselves which they successfully hand down to the sorcerers of the future. But the hard lessons, the loss of innocence, comes first.

2. The black splotches do remind me strongly of corruption, and also the sense of the fabric of things burning to ashes. Gojo and his fellow students, including Geto, had a vague idea of the darkness in the world before Riko's death. Afterwards, there was a sense of impending darkness, of a doom that was certain to claim them all if someone didn't take action. Gojo took a lot of that responsibility onto his own shoulders for obvious reasons.

3. There is also something about his eyes that I have to comment on. The glasses reflect Geto, during a better time, a time when they had not just each other, but a belief that they could triumph over anything. The fallacy of infinite potential. There is a certain opacity to Gojo's gaze in the second half. As you put it, very perceptively, he seems to be looking outwards, beyond just the singular point of Geto and their relationship. The lightness of being, youthful innocence and cheekiness we see from before is replaced with something sombre, something that does not let the light through. Gojo will never look at the world with that innocence again, but he will do his best to protect it for others. (Getting my tissues out)

There is a lot of mythical and spiritual symbolism in the themes of JJK regarding the cycle of birth and death. I had a great conversation with @tsukimefuku about this at one stage too, concerning the principles behind reincarnation and rebirth that are tied in with the symbolism in JJK. I also find it fascinating how Gege brings in the themes of discrimination and the inability to co-exist alongside those significantly different than yourself (rather effectively and subtly, in some cases).

The reason I mention this is because I believe it also has relevance to what happens to Gojo and Geto. Here, the theme of rebirth as something new is subverted. They are brought back, but in a sense that forms a travesty of their independence and desire for liberation.

It also relates to my personal view on how I believe Gojo handled Geto's defection. He didn't take it well, naturally. But more than that, he had to find a way to process it, to mark it as a failure in his own book of mental records and try to find meaning in it. How did he try to achieve this? By making sure that those in a similar position, young, vulnerable and with the high possibility of falling into despair (Yuuji, Yuuta and Megumi) never felt truly alone.

Whatever their views on sorcerer society, they knew that Gojo sensei was in their corner. That was never in doubt. His manner of teaching them may have been irresponsible at times (there were certain emotions and responsibilities Gojo clearly wasn't equipped to handle), but he was there, and never left them feeling like they had little to no support structure.

I don't believe that Gojo ever 'got over' Geto, and the manner by which he believed he failed him. When he confronts a dying Geto at the end of the movie, there is a sense of resignation, like you pointed out, a sense of finality, grief and regret, but it seemed that somewhere along the line, he'd found some way to manage his own pain. Maybe not in the healthiest sense (if there is even such a thing for a sorcerer) but he seemed like he'd said his goodbyes long before their meeting.

I also think that in his own way, Geto was longing to see Gojo once again. There was a certain mirthless longing in his own confrontation with the man he had once been closer to than anyone else. What eventually happened to the both of them was not natural or fitting in the natural cycle of birth and death. But it is fitting for those whose souls are inextricably linked, those who desire to be close to one another, even in a 'not-death' that makes a mockery of their lives and dreams.

As bleak as that sounds, Gojo left a legacy for those who came after, to bring into this world a  panacea that even he could not. Yuuji's declaration, in recent chapters, that people are not tools, is an ode to individualism, a firm rejection of the way both Gojo and Geto were treated by the societies they inhabited. The fact that he carries this belief forward would probably be enough to satisfy the two tragic men who gave up so much, including each other, to search for some truth in the world.

Please, please do the music analysis. I don't have much knowledge about that, lol, but I'd love to listen to your thoughts on it.

Have a beautiful day!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Love, Rahu 🧡🧡

[missmaywemeetagain]

Sergeant Presley (a one-shot)

A/N: Somehow, against all odds in this absolute chaos of a week, I managed to bang out the "Army Elvis" prompt for this week today, like a maniac. I am both shocked and amazed that I wrote a smutty one-shot without overthinking it but also be warned this is hardly edited or revised, nor even really thought out! 😂

Thanks always to my sister wives in chaos and crime: @be-my-ally @whositmcwhatsit @vintageshanny @ellie-24 @thatbanditqueen @powerofelvis and @from-memphis-with-love

TW: Smut! Orgasms! Basically no plot!

Rating: Mature 18+ || Word Count: 2.7k

Sergeant Presley (a one-shot)

He wants to fuck you. Oh lord how he wants to fuck you, from the moment you walk in the room and sit across the aisle from him.

Maybe it’s the curve of your calves and the way they disappear under your pencil skirt. Maybe it’s how your jacket notches in at your waist, accentuating your ample hips. Or perhaps it’s the fact that even with the conservative uniform and minimal to-do with your hair and make-up (as per regulations, of course), you still are absolutely gorgeous.

Or I’m just horny, Elvis thinks sardonically, shifting in his seat.

The movement catches your eye, and he watches curiously as you do a bit of a double take, eyes widening slightly in recognition before your head whips straight ahead.

He smirks to himself at that. It never gets old, the light that goes on in women’s eyes when they take him in in person. And he certainly isn’t getting much of it lately, being effectively shackled here in Germany, clad in his drab green Army fatigues.

Well, that’s not entirely true, he thinks as he pictures the fans that gather at all hours outside the house he’s renting while he’s here, about the girls he invites in. But it’s not quite the same, not the same at all, because his fame is tenuous and teetering here. Part of him is certain that they’ve all forgotten about him at home, despite the Colonel’s reports to the contrary, despite the new movie contracts and albums he is set to record as soon as he returns. However, the sliver of fear about his fate has burrowed deep these past two years and poisons him slowly, each day he is gone.

But now he’s counting days and weeks instead of months and years, and he can nearly taste being home. His fear and the antsy feeling that permeates him is overcome by anxious excitement now, so he’s feeling better than he has in a long time.

And here he is, getting his Sergeant stripes, and that fills him with a different sort of pride altogether.

So, perhaps it is all these factors combined that have him wanting to jump across the aisle, pull you into his arms, and kiss you silly.

He’s never seen you before and doesn’t know your name until they call you up to present you with your earned rank. Feeling a bit lecherous, he admires the view of your ass as you walk to the front and the heaving of your breast as they pin your stripes. Your pretty eyes catch his unabashedly heated gaze and pink floods your cheeks as he locks you in.

Elvis knows what he’s doing. While much of it is a natural sort of gift, he’s also honed his seductive abilities quite a bit in the last four years and gets paid a lot of money because of it. He’s also well aware that he looks good, filled out in a manly way but slimmed down in all the right areas, and right now, he’s not above using his looks to get your attention. And he so does want your attention, as much as he knows by virtue of your uniform and rank, you are completely off limits. He’s not stupid—he’s too close to the end for a court martial. Though he may not be able to fuck you the way he wants, it doesn’t mean he can’t have a little bit of fun.

Crossing his arms, he brings one hand to his mouth, letting his thumb catch on his full bottom lip and his mouth fall open slightly. Then he gazes at you with a pointed but dreamy stare, his eyes blinking slowly.

He watches you gulp and fidget at front of the room, all of which could be explained away by nerves of being put on the spot, but he knows he’s hit jackpot because there’s a little fire stoked in those lovely eyes now.

Tilting his head and raising a brow, he makes a private show of looking you up and down as you walk tenuously back to your seat. Giving him a glare of admonishment, you very purposefully do not look at him once you are seated again, but your hands wring in your lap, your leg crossing over towards him.

He’s flustered you. Warmth rolls over him, pooling in his pelvis, and through the rest of the ceremony, he tries not to think of bending you over your chair, yanking up your skirt, and sinking deep into your silky heat.

His cock twitches at the thought.

Later, fate intervenes on his behalf when he realizes you’ve been seated with him at the dinner banquet following the ceremony. He shakes your hand, introducing himself, letting his fingers squeeze and his thumb graze your palm a little too intimately. The gamut of emotions that flashes over your face before you bring down a stoic smile makes him chuckle.

He guides you to sit next to him, and while you hesitate at first, he knows he’s already won because of the way your eyes widen at the suggestion.

Now that you are close, his body goes into overdrive, and he is drunk on the sweetness of your perfume and the smoothness of your skin. He realizes he’s likely being too obvious in his flirtations but can’t bring himself to reign it in. The other men and women at the table have either consciously or subconsciously deferred to him and his charms, leaving no one to compete for your attention. He lays it on thick, wanting to eat you right up.

Elvis is hyperaware of every time you glance his direction, which is happening more often as he pulls you deeper into conversation, your cool exterior thawing bit by bit. But the way your eyes dilate and how you lick your lips when he brings the bottle of cola in front of him to his mouth has a zing of arousal shooting down his spine and straight into his cock.

Oh.

Nothing if not responsive, Elvis tongues the lip of the bottle before taking a slow drag of the sweet, fizzy soda. Your eyes are fixated now on his mouth, on the bottle, and he watches you catch your lower lip in your teeth as you stare.

Heat courses through him as he pulls the bottle away, tongue rolling over his bottom lip to catch the lingering drops of sugar caught there. You swallow visibly, and he doesn’t stop his teasing, unable to keep his lip from quirking into a delighted smirk at your attentions. Your eyes fly back up to his, as if just realizing you’ve been caught, and you flush a charming shade of red before clearing your throat and looking away quickly.

But every time he raises the bottle to his lips, your eyes catch like a moth to a flame. This time they follow his hand down as he sets the bottle on the table. Condensation gathers droplets on the cool glass and he relishes the smooth, wet feeling as he strokes the bottle with his thumb.

You fidget in your seat. It takes him a second to understand why, but once he does, he feels his cock chub up, caught mercilessly in his briefs and dress pants. The little, mischievous devil in him takes great pleasure watching you watch him make a show of gripping the bottle in his whole hand, slowly thumbing over the opening at the top again and again.

You choke a little and reach for your water, taking a deep drag and blinking rapidly, as if trying to come out of the spell he seems to have you under. You attempt to throw yourself into the conversation at the table, ignoring him with all your might, your body tense in your seat.

A challenge, he thinks, smiling.

Slowly, Elvis presses his knee into the side of your thigh, loving the way you nearly jump out of your seat in surprise at the contact. It’s like a bolt of electricity between you, and he starts to strain against his underwear.

Now that he has your attention, he places his hand back around the cola bottle, lewdly gripping it and slowly twisting his hand down and back up the glass. It’s truly not that far off from his actual size, so the motion feels almost too familiar, too easy. Your mouth pops open at the suggestive gesture and it takes everything in him to not lap his tongue into that delicate little mouth of yours. He matches his rhythm, stroking his knee against your leg, which also happens to provide some delicious friction in his pants. He feels you tense, squeezing your thighs together, and he cannot help but think of your little pink snatch likely staining your panties with slick right at this very moment.

Elvis almost groans aloud at that, catching it in his throat at the last second, but you seem to hear it and your eyes fly to his. Your pupils are blown out and cheeks are hot, and he can almost smell the arousal on you. Goddamn it, he wants to make you come, right here at the table, just for him, in front of everyone, who, wrapped up in their own conversations seem none the wiser at the seduction that is happening before them.

He’s hardly touching you but feels a surge of power when you fidget again, caught like willing prey in his stare. He can’t touch you more than he already is because that would get him in trouble, but if he can’t lay you across this table and fuck you senseless, he’s going to do it the only way he can.

His ministrations on the bottle are serving to arouse him just as much as you, each stroke making his cock twitch and strain and stiffen. Your eyes dart from his to the bottle, back and forth, your breath shallow and rapid. His eyes are heavy on you, unyielding, and look upon you as though you were under him, as though he were trapped and undulating in the heat of what he just knows is your perfect, untouched cunt.

You look back at him as though you know exactly what he’s thinking, as though your tight little hole is snug around him, sweet as honey, treating him right. Your hands clutch at your silverware, your napkin, anything you can get your hands on that isn’t him, and he knows you are well on your way to where he wants you because he can feel how your legs move back and forth, creating the friction you so desperately need between them.

He wonders if he can get away with touching you under the tablecloth, with sticking his hand into those wet panties of yours to play with your swollen and sensitive nub, but your skirt is too long and tight, and your jacket hides the waistband. No, he’s gonna have to be satisfied with eye-fucking you and jerking off this cola bottle.

Your chest starts to vibrate with tension as you try desperately to hold back the short little gasps emanating from your lips and he knows then that you are set to explode. You brace your elbows on the table, hiding the lower part of your face with your napkin, as if wiping your mouth, and he feels your hips buck. You do a helluva job not moaning and rolling your eyes back as you come for him, but he sees you drift somewhere else for a moment in your ecstasy, your eyes going blank as you pant as measured as you can into your napkin-shield.

Watching you unravel so gracefully and so untouched has his own orgasm sneaking up on him. The fact that he made you come just by looking at you but also at the element of public indecency involved has him clutching the cola bottle so hard he might break it. He wants to palm his dick with his other hand, but he knows he can’t be subtle about it and kind of likes the fact you’re making him come untouched, too.

Elvis manages to hold on until you come down from your high enough to look at him with dreamy, satiated eyes and that finally sends him over the edge. His cock pulses heavy and hard, springing against the confines of his slacks, his eyes drifting closed and lips parting as he shivers through his orgasm as quietly as he can. Holy fucking hell.

Your shy, knowing smile is the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes, and he can’t help but smile right back at you in kind. Your rosy cheeks and gleaming eyes make him feel giddy. His face feels red hot and he can’t help but bring the cold cola bottle to his face to cool it off. You choke back a laugh.

“You alright there, Sergeant Presley?” another soldier questions him.

“Ohhhh, I’m fine,” he drawls, amused, “Just feels like it’s a thousand degrees in here is all, in this getup.”

For once, he’s glad of his regulation briefs, as they kept him from shooting his load straight down his pant leg, but he doesn’t have to look down to know by the sheer force and amount of his release that he’s soaking through the front of his pants. His only consolation is that he knows you must be soaked through your panties, too.

If he can get his jacket on, he’ll be okay because it’s long and will cover the mess, but how he’s going to do so without the entire hall seeing he just jizzed his pants, he’s not so sure. It might not be a problem for the average Joe, but people can’t help but watch his every move, whether he wants them to or not. He realizes in his haze of horniness that maybe he didn’t really think this through.

You seem to realize his predicament, however, pretty eyes widening after looking down in his lap. You snap your head up quickly and he can sense your wheels turning. He starts to panic a little when you don’t let him in on the plan, though, as you start telling some story that he can’t seem to pay attention to with the sticky, rapidly cooling mess in his underwear.

Before he knows what’s happening, you are sweeping your arm to the side in a dramatic retelling, knocking the half-full bottle of cola over, directly into his lap.

He yelps in surprise as the dark cola soaks into his slacks, right over the other stain that had begun to set.

“Oh! Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, Sergeant Presley!” you cry apologetically, quite convincingly, and in other circumstances, he might try to get you into the movies with your level of commitment as you place your napkin into his lap.

He chuckles, “Oh, it’s fine, darlin’, it’s just a little soda. After all, I was going on about how warm I was gettin’, so you cooled me right off.” He gives you a wink at his obvious double entendre, and you purse your lips to hold back a laugh.

“Well, I’m awfully embarrassed,” you say quietly, fully leaning into the role. “Please send me your dry cleaning bill. It’s the least I can do.” Pulling a little pad out of your clutch, you scribble something down on the paper, tear it off, fold it, and hand it to him.

“Oh, don’t you worry about that. It’s no big thing,” he says, but takes the paper anyway, sensing that you have written something other than your dry cleaner’s information on it. He motions for your pen and paper. “Can I?”

You nod and hand them over. In his chicken scratch handwriting, he scrawls a note:

If you ever find yourself in Memphis someday, honey, come to Graceland for a visit. Ask for ‘Sarge.’ I’d love to have ya.

Love, Sergeant Elvis Presley

He finishes by adding one of the numbers at Graceland and hands the pad back to her. Wishful thinking, but maybe someday, when it’s not a court-martialed offense, he’ll be able to show you the good time you deserve.

He excuses himself, then, sloshing in his soggy, ruined pants, waiting until he gets to the car to read your note.

Sergeant Presley,

One must watch out for those pesky cola bottles…Try vinegar and cold water for that stain…wouldn’t want it to set!  

Corporal Y/N  Y/L/N

He laughs heartily as the car pulls away.

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[dd-is-my-guiltypleasure]

A LIFE IN THE DAY

David Duchovny: ‘Love can happen at any age, right?

The actor, 63, on The X Files, songwriting and snacking

EKATERINA GERBY

Interview by Helen Cullen

Wednesday January 17 2024, 12.01am GMT, The Sunday Time

Duchovny was born in New York City. He studied English at Princeton University and Yale, before breaking into acting in the late 1980s, starting in TV adverts and working his way up. In 1993 he began playing the role of the FBI agent Fox Mulder in The X Files, which ran for nine years. He later played Hank Moody in Californication. He has also released three folk-rock albums and published five novels — last year he directed a film adaptation of one of these, Bucky F***ing Dent. Duchovny has two grown-up children from his former marriage to the actress Téa Leoni. He lives in California, with his girlfriend, Monique Pendleberry, and his two dogs, Brick and Rookie.

I like to get up at dawn because those are my best thinking and writing hours. I love the sunrise but it also means I can get some work done before the sun gets too much. That’s the best time of day for me. I have a coffee that makes me think I’m brilliant for ten minutes and that’s all I need to get going.

Food to me is just fuel and I don’t have very advanced taste buds. I think everything kind of tastes OK, which people react to with suspicion. For breakfast I like oatmeal — what my Scottish mother called porridge.

If I’m filming I still like an early start, but I shot my recent film What Happens Later, with Meg Ryan, all through the night because we filmed in a regional airport after it closed at 9pm. That’s a bit of a nightmare for me as a morning person, but we developed a great camaraderie from working while the world was asleep. My daughter, West, thought it was great to see a romantic comedy film with people my age, but I don’t think of myself as any age, so I hadn’t thought about that. Love can happen at any age, right?

Everybody wants me to have a hobby, but I’m blessed because I love my work. I’ve been able to branch out into music, writing and directing. With songwriting I can pick up the guitar at any time. If you wait for inspiration to hit, you’ll be sitting on your ass for ever.

I knock off for lunch about 12pm. That’s when I have the one big meal of the day that would be recognisable to other humans as a proper meal — vegetables and a protein such as fish. The rest of the time I snack.

In the afternoon I work out. I love the games I played when I was younger — boxing, tennis and basketball — but as I get older I tend to get hurt doing those, so I’ve found Pilates is best for me. It’s still super hard but the least dangerous.

I live in Malibu and the height of my fame has passed, so it’s not difficult for me to move around any more. It’s a different era now because everybody has a phone, so paparazzi are more a thing of the past. I tend to go to the same places where people are bored of seeing me.

There are always different reasons why fans might stop me — it could be still because of The X Files or Californication. I am very proud of The X Files. I can’t think of another show like it in terms of cultural impact and longevity. I just thought we were making good, goofy TV but Chris Carter, the creator and director, saw what was coming in terms of the culture of conspiracy theories. Gillian Anderson [his co-star] and I went from being unknown to globally recognised in a couple of years. We don’t get to see each other that much as she lives in London, but there’s no one else I can share that with.

West is an actor now too. It wasn’t something that I would have charted out for her because I know how difficult it is, even more so for a woman, but I want her to do something she’s passionate about. There are still dark corners in Hollywood but the pitfalls and dangers are much more upfront.

I do enjoy a party, but I’d rather spend time with friends in the evening. Because I like to get up so early, I go to bed early also. I feel electric light has really f***ed with our sense of mind and body, and that we were made to hide in the cave at night from predators and wake up with the sun, so I try to do that. Constitutionally, I feel like that works for me.

Words of wisdom

Best advice I was given

It doesn’t matter if people laugh; it matters if it feels funny to you

Advice I’d give

There’s no such thing as good advice — you have to come to it on your own

What I wish I’d known

Take a moment to appreciate what you’ve done before worrying about the next thing

What Happens Later is in cinemas now and available to stream in spring. The Reservoir by David Duchovny is out now (Akashic Books £19.95)

×

[myobsessionsspace]

Jungkook’s BE-hind Story

Though filmed in 2021, I find it still relevant.

It’s a really good watch for those that may not have seen this, or may have but have forgotten about it.

His thoughts on songs with no relation to him personally.

His music process, how he can do songs within a day or work on a song over and over, delete and never release.

Watch full video here

🐰“From now on, although songs with sincerity is also important, but…there are so many different types of people, who think differently and come from different backgrounds.

I want to become an artist who can create various different stories by creating imaginary scenarios and situations and coming up with imaginary characters.

That’s my ultimate motive.”

🐿️ “It’s very unique. I usually find it much easier to write about my own experiences, but what you’re trying to do is putting yourself in an imaginary scenario, which is actually very difficult.”

🐰 “Right, it’s difficult. So, although it’s very difficult, like how I want to try new things but unable to express it right now. If I keep doing it I’ll get accustomed to it, so I should keep challenging myself.”

🐿️ “I think it’s wonderful and I believe all challenges are good. I hope you could try out as much as possible”

Weverse Live

July 2023

What really stuck out to me:

🐰“but there's still this idea called image. And many people love that. Let's say that people love it, and so I keep following only that path. In that case, what is it that I can change? With my own hands? When this is my own life. I've gotta be the one to make change, you know. I have to tell the people who love me "this is how I am," and I have to-- not coerce them, but I have to make it so that they can accept/recognize me.”

When will he be allowed to control his image? When will he be allowed to not fit the idea that has been created by fans from content that doesn’t reflect his stage in life anymore? When can he expand on that image, add dimension, flaws, normal human traits to it?

🐰“I mean, like, there are so many things. How should I say it, so... Even if I were to figure out [the audience's] needs and satisfy those... Would ARMYS and I be truly happy? Till the end. When there's nothing that changes.”

You can’t please everyone all of the time. To please the majority he has to sacrifice himself? His change from the image people hold of him can never be? Who is that fair to? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to the fans who want to love him for him?

🐰“Ok, if I'm being honest: that's right, before, I used to have a lot of fears, including fear of trying something new. And I used to not really feel up to doing things that are new. But this is something that you guys created for me as well. It is from you all. Because I gained so much courage from you guys. Truly. (drinks water)

& I said this in a recent live, too. Asking why you guys give your support and love to me. Because even back then, I didn't know the answer, which is why I kept asking again and again. But now, I don't want to show that vulnerable side of me to you guys. I gained confidence, and using this as a foundation, I want to keep building myself.”

Army time and time again showed him they loved all of him and trusts what he wants to do, so they gave him the confidence to try new things.

Trusting that he wants to do it and he’s spoken before about the want for these types of songs, these challenges.

They aren’t army’s challenges but his challenges.

I don’t know about you, but being a singer from a 7 piece group who for years has worked with the same people in their mother tongue, to now work with an array of people from a different country, to sing a full album in a different language and do each song with different musical genres, phew! I’m tired just *thinking about it*!

Watch the whole weverse live

GOLDEN BY JUNG KOOK

Out November 3rd 2023!

Pre-Save & Pre-Order

💜

[eazy-peazy54]

ugh THANK YOU for making that will wood fandom post. okay this ask is gonna be super long and i’m really sorry to vent in your inbox but anyway. i heard about will on tumblr several years ago right after the normal album dropped but before he “blew up” (using that term loosely lol) and i’ve steadily watched his fanbase become more and more unbearable. for context i’m in my mid 20s, so unfortunately quite a bit older than a large portion of his current fans.

it’s really disappointing to me to see how strangely and unhealthily young people interact with media they like. i won’t waste time reiterating what you already said very well, but i will add something about the opposite end of the weird fan spectrum. so you basically called out some of the very public manic obsession that his younger fans display, but then there’s the other fans who do literally the opposite (to an obnoxious degree) where they say he’s literally just some guy etc. and like. i’m totally on board with the just some guy movement like yes let’s please acknowledge that artists are just people who happen to create something that you enjoy (especially small artists like will who aren’t even “famous” like he’s a niche indie artist that gained some recognition for a viral song but there are some kids out here treating him like a c-list celebrity like??) HOWEVER i do not understand why they have to act like any sort of emotional attachment to him or his work is toxic fan behavior. there’s absolutely no balance and it’s exhausting.

i personally feel like i and some of his older fans (older in age and duration i.e. mid 20s and/or been a fan since before early-mid 2021? i feel like that’s when he went viral) naturally engage in a more sane way. i personally am incredibly attached to his music, it means a lot to me, i listen to it a ton, and i also enjoy will as a person; i very much admire the brain, the mind, the person behind the art. i think he’s funny, intelligent, interesting, not to mention one of the most talented musicians / artists in general that i’ve ever come across. i like listening to him in interviews and on his podcast. and i think i manage all of that in a healthy and respectful way. i don’t think it’s difficult. but for some reason there are some fans who probably wouldn’t like the second part of that. they take “separate the art from the artist” way too far. “Do Not Have An Opinion About This Human You Perv”. it’s annoying. calling him pretty or attractive or whatever also gets met with some very weird reactions. “HE’S JUST A GUY” yes most of us are, in fact, just a guy™️ (gender neutral). saying he’s cute is not sexual harassment.

another thing that actually pisses me off so much is these fans describing and categorizing him based on their and their mutuals very specific demographic. “white teenage transmasc audhd neurodivergent mentally ill queer etc. etc. etc.” music. that is such a limited and myopic generalization. first of all, he had fans way before you, your age group is not his target demographic, nor is it his core demographic, on top of that he’s explicitly stated he doesn’t want people your age listening to him. he’s not for you. second, it absolutely makes sense that mentally ill people gravitate towards him given that he himself is severely mentally ill, so this part of the description pisses me off the least, but still, he’s also a recovering/recovered alcoholic, but i don’t see people saying he makes music for addicts? idk.

next is the queer bit. yeah gay people like him. i get it. he’s a queer safe space and that’s cool and i appreciate it but i feel like it’s still narrowing the categorization. he also has a lot of neurodivergent fans and i understand why. i think my main issue is just a combination of all of these very specific descriptors you know? like yeah he has fans that fit all of this but when you lump all of it together to describe his music and the entirety of his fandom then it becomes too much. whatever. anyway. the one that makes me the most mad is the white thing. i hate it when music that isn’t inherently racial is divided by race. it’s alienating and divisive and exclusionary and unnecessary. there are plenty of fans of color and there would probably be even more if some of y’all didn’t insist on generalizing his music based on your own limited experience. i think that’s sort of a microcosm of what a lot of poc talk about on here, about being shoved out of fandom spaces? like imagine you’re an adult queer black guy and you keep hearing about this will wood person who makes really cool music so you go to give it a try and find a bunch of 14yos calling him white preteen transmasc music. super off putting. even as someone who actually does fall into a couple (not all) of the demographics they talk about i know i would absolutely not be a fan now if i’d discovered him later than i did. which makes me sad. anyway. sorry this is definitely getting very long and rambly so i’m sorry about that i just have a lot of opinions about this fanbase.

oh my god this put everything i missed into words THANK YOU 😭

I completely agree with everything you just said!!! Honestly the whole big point with my essay was to just say "hey guys, don't be weird about this, and be respectful because there is a real person behind the screen!"

everyone who goes too far with the "HES JUST A GUY" thing isn't helping. its like. yeah, hes just a guy, but that doesn't mean i cant have any sort of attachment to his music whatsoever??? some people's idea of treating people like real people is really just treating them worse than how they were being treated before 😭

The people who are policing the fandom too much aren't helping either, its getting really exhausting to keep seeing posts saying "oh he looks really good in this photo!" and seeing like 200 replies being like "STOP SEXUALIZING YOU CREEP!!!!" (although there are people who actually do sexualize him, (which is really gross and weird) but i digress,)

music based fandoms are usually very,,, eh.. but honestly most of the fandom isn't bad, its just the people who take things to the extremes (in both directions) who are kind of making it a bit more awkward.

i think the fandom, and his music as a whole shouldn't just be narrowed down to "gay neurodivergent weirdo music," but it should just be like. "music for cool people" or hell, just fuckin "music"

[shina913]

On Tilt, Part 5 | KNJ

On Tilt, Part 5

Definition: a poker term for a state of mental or emotional confusion or frustration in which a player adopts a suboptimal strategy, usually resulting in the player becoming overly aggressive.

On Tilt Masterlist

Pairing: Namjoon x Fem!Reader

Rating: M 🔞

Genre: idol!AU; strangers-to-FWB-to-lovers; toxic relationship; angst; fluff; smut

Warnings: unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamic; cussing; miscommunication; bitchy friend with the reality check; trouble setting personal boundaries; neck kisses; light petting; soft, fluffy Namjoon

Word count: 5.9K+ words

Summary: You’ve said time and time again that you wouldn’t lose yourself to him. You were in control now. You were going to make better choices. For a minute there, you were able to keep up with it. It wasn’t ‘til Namjoon’s extended break that you found yourself falling into old habits. Will you ever learn to quit Kim Namjoon?

A/N: Thanks for being soooo patient with my super-slow updates! I’m trying to pick up the pace here as next chapter will be date number 5 (huzzah)!!!

If you're still following this story, thank you 🥹 Also, my meager Photoshop skills were tested with this banner photo 😅 Sorry to Namjoon’s friend and the other museum-going guest in the background 🥴

"What are you doing?"

It wasn't the question that made your belly flutter, but the undertone behind it.

You direct your voice to your phone on speaker mode, which sits on one corner of the table, next to the piles of new author manuscripts that you had to review before the end of the week.

"Do you always have to switch to that voice when you ask me that question?"

Namjoon feigns innocence. "What do you mean?" he asks, his voice already low. He then adds insult to injury by rasping, "This is my usual voice.”

He was in Spain spending some much-needed downtime with his family. Before that, he was in Italy for a scheduled public appearance, a week after he kept you company while you were sick.

The vacation was pre-planned and he offered to pay for your ticket so you could come along. While it sounded like a great offer, you declined. His family hadn’t seen him much and with his solo album gearing up to be released soon, free time would be more difficult to come by.

You pick your phone up off the table and lower your voice, mimicking him. “You know exactly what I mean.”

Namjoon’s laugh was deep and husky, it made your toes curl. “I can’t help how I feel when I talk to you while you’re not with me. I miss you.”

There was an ache in his tone now and you were missing him just as much. 

“Are you feeling better?”

You sighed, “I miss you, too—and yes, I am. Thank you for asking.”

“I wish you’d just taken me up on my offer to come along. My parents would have loved to have you on the trip.”

You and Namjoon were communicating more openly and were better at managing each other's expectations these days. If one of you had to cancel plans, which he still did, but not as often, you no longer felt disappointed. Similarly, he was less cranky whenever you couldn't break pre-existing commitments to rush off to him.

Just as you no longer felt the need to move your whole schedule to fit his, he’s also made some concessions to spend time with you, which was refreshing.

“Next time,” you say in consolation. “Besides, you know I’ve got way too many things going on right now. Between work and house-hunting.” You groan at the thought.

“How’s that going? Are you closing in on any properties?”

You shared your initial plans to buy a new home, but they became more concrete when Lani told you that she and her boyfriend, Kai would move in together, speeding up your timeline. Investing in purchases that would contribute to your future was crucial at this point in your life, but browsing listings online was overwhelming. Jia, who worked as a realtor, stepped in to help.

You hummed in disappointment. “There are a couple of good candidates.” You suddenly remember Jia’s email this morning about another possible listing. You make a mental note to check it out after you hang up.

“Remind me why you’re getting kicked out of Lani’s place again.”

“She’s not kicking me out,” You correct him. “I just didn’t feel like becoming this third wheel. Anyway, Jia says based on market trends, it’s the perfect time to buy. I’ve got enough money saved up from the last two years. It’s the perfect storm!”

"Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks.

"Not unless you have information on affordable real estate in the downtown area. Otherwise…" you trail off as you walk back to your desk.

"Actually, I might have a lead on something if you're interested," he offers.

"Really?" Of course, Namjoon would have leads to the best properties. Some of them were probably not even publicly listed.

“It’s about half an hour from downtown, without traffic.

“Oh.” You scrunch your face in disappointment at the prospect of a longer commute. You spin your chair around to face the window behind you in your office, which had a beautiful view of the bridge over the bay.

"Now, hear me out for a sec,” he says. “It's on the east side and I know you said you didn’t want anything farther than a 15-minute commute. But it’s in a nice area and I happen to know the listing agent and the owner.”

You smile at Namjoon's attention to detail. Even though the city you lived in had a commuting culture, it wasn't something you pictured doing for the rest of your life.

"Can you send me the information? I can have Jia connect with them."

“Sure, I can give you the contact info right now, whenever your ready.”

“Okay, hang on,” you say hastily while turning your chair back around to reach for a pen and a piece of paper.

“Also, I don’t think Jia needs to get involved. At least not much.” He had a slight edge in his voice when it came to her. Even though they had a silent truce, it still didn’t ease your discomfort.

But you didn’t feel like hashing that out during this call. “Namjoon, the number?” You ask him.

Namjoon dictates the number on the other line. After jotting down the last four digits, you pause and stare at your handwriting. “Are you shitting me? This is your phone number!”

“And?” He says, unperturbed.

You groan. "Come on! Be serious, please."

"I am being serious! Three bedrooms, two full baths, and a sizable kitchen. It's fully furnished with the basics. The downtown area is also very accessible. All you need to do is call Kim Namjoon!"

You snort. “You sound like one of those late-night infomercials.”

“Aw, don’t make fun of me,” You practically hear him pouting. “I’m trying to sell you on my place!”

You choke on nothing. "Yours? Uhm...are you moving out or something?" He just bought his place less than two years ago.

"Nope," he replies simply.

"So, if you're not moving out...then…" 

He laughs at the panicked tone in your voice and assures you, "Relaaax! I figured you'd run for the hills if I asked you to move in with me."

He was right about that.

"Not gonna lie, though. It's crossed my mind before,” he adds nonchalantly. "But I know that would be inappropriate of me to offer since we’re taking things slow.”

His casual admission is a huge surprise to you. Before you could say anything about it, he quickly adds, “Anyway, I own the unit next door. That’s what I’m offering."

You stifle a laugh. “Okay, let me get this straight: You thought it was inappropriate to ask me to move in with you, so you’re proposing that I move in next door instead?”

“Well…” he laughs, feeling cheeky. “Worth a shot!”

"I don’t understand how or why you even own a second unit," you wonder out loud. “You’re barely in your main home as it is.”

"It was sort of an impulse purchase six months ago. The woman who used to live there decided to sell it. I even got into this stupid bidding war with Seokmin,” he adds begrudgingly. “Anyway, my plan was to knock the wall down to convert it into one huge space. But between the last tour wrapping up and finishing my album, I just haven’t had the time. So right now, it’s a glorified storage closet!”

Welp, he had a lot of disposable income. His rationale also quelled your skepticism. "Oh, okay."

"I figured, it would at least liven up the space if someone was living there instead of my clothes and books."

"That’s really tempting, Joon, but you know I can’t afford your place."

"You didn't think I'd give you the family and friends discount?" he teases.

You snort. "Oooh…friend, huh?"

“Or girlfriend,” he corrected himself. There was that word again, ’girlfriend.’

“Don’t you think we’re too old for those terms?” You say in jest.

He laughed heartily into the phone. “Would you rather use, ‘person whom I’m in a committed relationship with’?”

You giggle at his suggestion but your cheeks warm at the sentiment. He was making an effort to define what this relationship was. It certainly counted for ‘more’ in your book. “How about we shorten it to ‘person’? Like, I don’t know…” you sigh, “You’re my person and I’m your person. What do you think?”

You’re met with dead silence on the other line. You think the call has dropped.

“Namjoon? Are you still there?” 

Still nothing.

“Fuck. Hello?” Maybe it didn’t drop, you think. Maybe he thought your idea was so stupid that he just hung up.

Seconds later, you hear faint trilling on the other end. You pull your phone away to check the screen, thinking it was your other line ringing. Instead, you see Namjoon trying to convert your call into a video one.

You feel a sense of relief to see him call back, knowing that he didn’t just hang up on you. You press the green button to accept it and his face immediately comes into view. He was already in bed, his hair all mussed up.

“I think I lost you there earlier.”

“Nope. I was on the line the whole time,” he says with a wide grin.

“Okay, well…You know, w-what I said, uhm, earlier…” You’re feeling completely flustered, thinking that your suggestion was idiotic. 

“I like it,” he interrupts softly. “You’re my person and I’m your person.” His dimple flashes on-screen.

You laugh nervously. “Yeah?”

He nodded his head gently, rocking back on his pillow. Your chest flutters in response and your cheeks hurt from grinning so hard. 

"Ah, man," he sighs when he sees you smile. "Now I really wish you were here with me."

The warmth in his gaze pierces its way through your phone screen. You take a moment to appreciate the sight of him looking restful and relaxed. Could you love this man any more?

"I know that look.” He shifts in bed, his words interrupting your completely wholesome thoughts of him.

"I am not giving you a look."

"Are you sure? I don’t think we excluded phone stuff from our agreement," he wiggles his eyebrows.

You laugh. "Nice try, but we’re not doing ‘phone stuff’ either! Not to mention I’m at the office, for crying out loud!”

“Damn,” he clicks his teeth and pouts in mock defeat. “But it’s not like that’s ever stopped us before. Remember that one flight from Tokyo? The Wifi was shitty on board but my god, your thighs were–”

“Oh my god, Namjoon! I’m at work!” You squeak in between a fit of giggles. Your office door was shut but people who walked by could still see you through the partially frosted glass wall.

“So was I! Do you know how hard it is to hide under those standard-issue blankets? Do you know how big I am? I had to ask for two just to make sure that my movements weren’t too obvious!”

You let him continue his tirade while your stomach hurts, wheezing from laughter.

As you sip on your mocha at the cafe table, Jia peers up at you. "Please tell me you told him, 'Thanks, but no thanks,'" she says after hearing about Namjoon's offer.

You hesitate before answering. "Well...I didn't exactly rule it out," you grimace.

Jia groans in disappointment. "YN, I thought you two were taking it slow. Now you're telling me he's asked you to move in with him?"

"No, he didn't ask me to move in with him,” you insist. “It's a second unit that he owns in the same building where he lives. It's right next door to his place but completely separate.”

"Tomato, to-mah-to," she says dismissively waving her hands. "Wasn't the goal to buy your own place?”

“Well, yeah…but have you seen his place? The area is a little bit farther but it’s super nice out there and the neighborhood has changed a lot–" You babble aimlessly.

Jia rolls her eyes. She knows that the only person you are trying to convince is yourself. Seeing as she’s tuned you out, you get right back to the point. "Anyway, if I decide–and this is a big 'if'– to take him up on his offer, at least the unit is already paid for. All I’d be paying for is annual taxes!"

"Okay, sure," Jia responds, clearly unconvinced. "But at the end of the day, the unit won't be under your name." She pauses, taking a breath and rubbing circles on her temples. "I don't know what to say anymore." She shakes her head in exasperation.

“I don’t need you to say anything,” you argue, growing annoyed at how rude she was sounding. “I'm only telling you out of courtesy since you've been so helpful during the loan application process and finding great listings.”

Jia, feeling a pang of guilt, changes her approach and softens her tone. "Look, I'm not trying to be overbearing. Obviously, I can’t tell you how to spend your money. At the end of the day, it’s your decision. And if you’re choosing to go with Namjoon…" she trails off.

But you couldn’t simply ignore her being dismissive of Namjoon. "I just wish you could see how much things have changed this time. If you did, perhaps you wouldn't keep writing him off."

She purses her lips in thought before continuing. "It's not that I'm 'writing him off'," she gestures with air quotations as she tries to explain herself, "I'm only worried about you. I care about you and I love you. I don’t want you to be disappointed again."

You sigh in frustration. "And I'm grateful and appreciative of that, Jia. I know you're just trying to be a good friend–which you totally are. But things really are different this time, and we're both on the same page now."

Jia continues to stare at you silently while you rationalize your relationship.

“This is also the last chance I’m giving him and myself. If this blows up in my face, then that’s on me,” you say, placing your hand over your chest. “But if it works out, then he and I could be happy and…that’s what’s keeping me going. And not to throw this in your face, but I always thought you would be more understanding of my situation since you went through something similar with Yeonjun,” you said, hoping to appeal to her better nature.

When Jia and her boyfriend Yeonjun broke up a while back, she was devastated. But when there was a chance that they could get back together, you encouraged her because she still loved him so much.

“But Yeonjun is a normal guy. He’s not an idol,” she said, reasoning. “We split up because of his job. The whole long-distance thing was taking its toll on us. I was tired of waiting around–”

She fell silent when she saw you staring at her wryly. “What?” she asked, scrunching her face in confusion.

You slow-blinked at her. "I mean, I don't know, Jia... your story sounds exactly like mine, except for the part where Yeonjun is not an idol."

Jia opened her mouth to argue, but immediately shut it in concession. "Okay, fine. But the difference between Yeonjun and Namjoon is that my man is not tied to some contractually obligated schedule. He is entitled to vacation time and even sick days. Does Namjoon have the same benefits?"

You couldn't deny that Namjoon's career obligations weighed on you. You also had your own flourishing career keeping you busy. Striking a balance and making compromises between your professional lives would prove to be challenging. It was definitely something worth discussing in detail if you both wanted to make this work.

"I know that Lani and I have different approaches when it comes to Namjoon, but I swear to you – the one thing we have in common is that we would never shit on your happiness. You're one of my best friends! Of course, I want you to see you happy!"

Back then, Lani used to tease you, saying that she didn't know where you started and Namjoon ended. You were so into him and adept in his ways. However, that was precisely what made it difficult to break away from him and realize that things just wasn't working for you.

You feel a twinge in your chest as you ponder what to do next.

"Congratulations and welcome home!" the agent tells you.

"Thanks," you smile as you look up from the documents you just signed. The agent hands you the keys, which you accept. You shake hands with them, and they shake hands with Jia. It's been over two weeks, and you've closed on the multi-level townhouse that was only 15 minutes away from your office.

"Will there be anything else?" the agent asks.

"Nah, I just need to take these back to the office, but other than that, we're all set," he smiles politely.

"Thanks again," you tell him before he shuts the door.

Jia beams at you before wrapping you in her arms in a tight hug. "You did it, babe!"

You laughed at her. “No, we did it. Thanks for finding this place for me.” You looked around the room, which was a blank canvas for now, but you couldn't wait to fill it with furniture and memories.

Her face softens and she fixes her gaze on you. "I know it's not exactly a luxury high-rise--"

"Jia," you say with a hint of warning, "He was perfectly fine with my decision. He’s happy that I’m happy so, can we ease up on him now?"

Jia bit her tongue. “Okay, I’m sorry,” she offers sincerely.

“Thank you,” you tell her.

Afterward, she continues to ramble on about some new fixtures you could include in your place, practically planning out how your space should look. You rolled your eyes, nodding and smiling as she gave you suggestions.

Right before move-in day, as much as Namjoon wanted to help out, his schedule wouldn’t allow it. He had several meetings that day–mostly involving his album release.

He was apologetic and to make up for it, offered to hire and pay for the moving company. Lani and Kai were there to help unload and unpack some of your items the day of.

It was after 10PM by the time your friends left after you bought them some dinner. It was the least you could do, after they bickered while they mounted the TV in your living room.

You had a few minutes of quiet so you decide to put away the empty takeout containers to continue unpacking. While sorting through some dishes and kitchen utensils, you hear a knock on your door. You walk over to check the peephole and immediately grin.

"Hi!" You beam at Namjoon.

With a tilt of his head, his adorable face appears behind the arrangement of gardenias that he carried, along with a bag of takeout. You greet him with a quick kiss before taking the bag and flowers and setting them both on the counter.

"This actually looks nice," he remarks as he turns his head, scanning the kitchen and living room area.

"I told you, the videos make it seem misleading," you tell him. "I can give you the grand tour so you can see for yourself!"

He slowly settles into a still shrink-wrapped barstool. "Let’s do that later. For now, I just want to look at you."

As he regards you, you take the opportunity to drink him in, your gaze sliding all over him. He looks exhausted but still handsome, your eyes burning just from looking at him. The way his black hair falls above his eyes makes your fingers twitch with the urge to run them through it.

Before you can say anything else, you round the corner of the kitchen counter and slot yourself between his legs to grab his face and kiss him.

When you pull away, a big smile breaks across his face. "Wow,” he says breathlessly, “What did I do to deserve that?"

"Well, I missed you,” you smile at him. Then, you inhale sharply, taking in a luscious scent. “Is that fried chicken and jjajangmyeon?" You pull away from him, reaching out to grab the bag of takeout to dig in.

He swipes the bag away to tease you. “On second thought, maybe you should give me that tour now!” He laughs.

******

After a quick tour of your new place, both of you settle in the living room, sitting on the floor and eating fried chicken while drinking beer. It feels like an impromptu picnic, much like like the old days when he had a couple of hours free between shows. Before their group hit it big, you and Namjoon used to sit on the grass at the nearest park wherever they were playing that week, and snack on fried chicken and noodles.

You start discussing what upgrades you would make to the place–some recessed lighting and a new backsplash in the kitchen. The house that you bought was slightly older and despite the previous owners making some modern additions, you still wanted to customize a few things to fit your taste. In the end, Jia was right about some of her design suggestions.

"Well, you could have just taken me up on my offer. Then you wouldn't have to worry about outdated fixtures."

Recalling your conversation with Jia, moving into Namjoon’s place would further blur the lines between you both. You were in denial about it at first but you knew she made a good point. It wasn’t that Namjoon’s offer was bad but you wanted to make more independent decisions that didn’t directly involve him. It was hard to break away from that pattern but it was necessary. If you didn’t make those decisions, then you’d end up resenting him again.

"I really have no problem sharing. In fact, I could sign it over to you," he nonchalantly drops that comment in just before taking a bite of fried chicken.

You gasp at his ridiculous suggestion. "Joon? What–"

"Don't worry. I'll pay taxes on it and whatever maintenance or repairs needed. Only difference is legally, it would be yours." He said it as if it was just as easy as settling the check at a restaurant.

"I need you to stop doing that," you say calmly.

"Doing what?"

"Trying to pay for everything. The movers were great and that was a big help for me but signing over property to me?” You shook your head. “That’s too much and I don’t need you to do that. I have money, too. Not as much as you do but I have enough.”

He shifts in his seat, looking apologetic. "I’m sorry, I didn't mean for it to come off like that. I thought, hey, I have the resources and I can help. I figured it would be one less thing for you to worry about."

"And I appreciate that. But I need to do things for myself," you say.

Namjoon nods in agreement. "I understand. But I hope you’ll understand where I’m coming from, too," he hesitates, biting his lip. "I just want to show you that I can be here for you…even when I can’t be," he mumbles.

"That's what you're worried about?"

Namjoon looks at you with trepidation in his eyes.

You look at him calmly, then gently take one of his hands to clasp it with yours. "I don't need you to give me a condo or pay for flights just to assure me that you’re here for me.”

His lips narrow into a thin line. “I just feel guilty that I can’t make a lot of compromises when it comes to my work. I can take small breaks and make time for our dates but there are times when I feel like I’m not doing enough.” he sighs. He doesn't want to keep using work as an excuse, but there's only so much he can do.

“Some days, I think that if it were up to me, I’d just say ‘fuck it all’!”

"You don't really mean that," you say quietly. “You love what you do.”

He holds your gaze, hiding nothing and letting you see his insecurities and fears. "I just don't want us to end up in the same spot we were in before."

“And you think that me living next door to you solves all that?”

He shrugs his shoulders. “Maybe? I like having you close.”

“And I do, too. But that’s not always possible, is it?”

He pauses for a few beats then says, “I hate it when we’re apart for too long. I just miss you so much and then here I am, acting like a selfish asshole again.”

"We'll keep working on the distance thing," you say but it doesn't placate him. He takes a long swig of his beer, then sighs wistfully.

"Hey," you rest your hand on his arm. "We can only learn from the past, right? It's not about our missteps but how we move on and grow from them."

After a pause, his frown fades, replaced by a half-smile. “I thought that was my line.”

You snort at his lighter tone. Reaching forward, you brush his dark strands away from his eyes. “Guess you’re rubbing off on me, Kim Namjoon.”

His lips quirk up slightly. “And I cannot wait until this fifth date to rub off on you.”

You pause to smack him on the shoulder with a laugh. “You are so not helping!”

Namjoon laughs again, his deep chuckles reverberating throughout the living room. He tightens his arm around you, pulling you in closer to him, and places a gentle kiss on the top of your head. As you feel his lips on your hair, you sense a shift in his demeanor. His mood appears to have improved, if only slightly.

"So, one of my meetings today outlined the marketing and promotional schedule for the album."

"Oh?" You welcome the change of subject, but deep down, you are anxious to hear about his schedule.

"It's pretty exciting. We're kicking it off with a launch party in two months. I'd like for you to be there if you can?" It was a plea that was hard to resist. But it has also been a while since you attended any "official" appearances with him—and by "with him," that meant you being smuggled into a separate entrance by a manager or lurking in the background of a party until he could retreat backstage, largely inaccessible by cameras or fans, so you could pretend that you were on a date.

"Is it safe?"

"I'll make sure of it. We have a guest list and only a few members of the press covering the event. They're ‘friendlies’,” also known as members of the media who were in the record label’s quid pro quo payroll.

“Could you include Lani or Jia to the list so I could hang out with somebody while you mingle?” This was also a standard protocol from before. You’d have your girlfriends with you so you’d have a cover story in case some tabloid decides to put two and two together. You weren’t sure if Namjoon’s bandmates were inviting dates to this event as well.

"I could but it might be lonely for them since I was hoping you’d be right by my side."

Your mouth falls open at his suggestion. “Uhm…what about…” you hesitate to finish your thought. Actually, you weren’t sure about what he was thinking, taking you as his date during his solo album launch–where all eyes would be focused on him.

“What if people asked questions? What does your label think about bringing a date to a huge event like that?”

He straightened but the warmth in his gaze remained. “But you’re not just my date. You’re my person, remember?”

Your eyes start to sting with emotion. You bit your lower lip, heart twisting in your chest, then agree without further argument. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he echoes, smiling warmly before planting a soft kiss on you. 

******

After a few more bites of jjajangmyeon, you ask, "So, when do I get an advance copy of this? Will just send me a link or do you have a demo CD that I can listen to?"

"Nope," he says with a laugh, surprising you. "You'll hear it first when everyone else does. Which is on the day of the party!"

"But you always give me first dibs," you whine.

"Can I be honest?" 

"Of course."

He blows out a shaky breath. "I'm really nervous about it," he confesses. "I know I keep saying that I can't wait until this whole thing is done, but in reality, I'm fucking terrified." He laughs humorlessly.

You tilt your head to the side, looking concerned. "Why?"

"I went for a different vibe on this album. I've been anxious about it the whole time. And when I say nobody has listened to this--I really mean nobody! Apart from my co-producers, of course. Otherwise…" he trails off.

"Okay, now I'm really intrigued," you say before turning away to take another piece of chicken.

He shrugs. "I started working on this project three years ago, so there were a lot of intense, unfiltered feelings there."

As you pause, you slowly peer up to find him staring. Your face can't hide all of the thoughts running through your head. During those three years, you took a break from him and had a real relationship with somebody else.

Namjoon always turns his pain and joy into art. Although you are worried about what kind of pain he channeled into his album, you don't want to be presumptuous. You give him an encouraging smile to let him know that you can't wait to hear what beautiful things he's created.

"I'm sure it will be great," you state confidently. "You always question yourself before a release, but it always works out."

"You believe in me too much." He smiles sardonically.

"Am I not supposed to?"

He smiles sheepishly, his eyes crinkling in amusement. He remains seated on the floor and leans back against your couch. Tugging at your arm, he beckons you to sit on his lap. "C'mere."

You laugh softly but eventually oblige.

You gingerly climb onto his lap, straddling his thighs, and drape your arms around his neck. He tilts his head forward to touch his forehead to your chest. You feel his breaths through your shirt, warming your skin.

You run both hands through his hair, nuzzling against him. "Everything will be fine, you'll see."

"Thank you," he murmurs against you.

"You don't need to thank me. I'm not the one who did all this work to record an album."

His head falls back, and he gazes up at you. "Not the album. I meant this. Thank you for giving us..." He pauses to correct himself. "Thank you for giving me another chance."

You brush his hair back again, noticing how tired and worn he looks. The past few months of nonstop work and trying to make time for you have taken their toll. His fingertips slide gently down your cheek as you continue to silently stare at him.

Being this close to him makes you realize how much you've missed him, how much you've craved physical contact. You lean in and kiss him with ease.

The feel of his mouth on yours sent a searing trail of goosebumps racing up your arms, stirring memories of his mouth on other parts of your body. He groans when you move your lips down to his neck to suck on it.

You hear and feel him gulp audibly, trying to regain control of himself. “Baby, slow down...”

You ignore his pleas and push his hands under your shirt. “Touch me, please,” You sigh against his skin. He gasps when your warm breath brushes at his earlobe. You nuzzle deeper, taking in his scent. It was intoxicating.

"We can't." All of his teasing in the last few days and his little joke about rubbing off on you earlier tonight have pushed you past your limit, and now you are sitting on his lap, all hot and bothered, and he decides to turn you down while you’re practically begging him to rip your clothes off? What kind of mental edging is this?

You sit up and whine, "Why not?"

"This isn't even our fifth date," he chuckles. "I just wanted to bring you some dinner and flowers."

"Please, Joon...you did it last time," you purr, trying to entice him again by dipping lower to lick his earlobe.

He lets out a pained groan when he feels your breasts press against his chest. He fights off his natural instinct to palm them and instead makes a pitiful effort to dislodge your mouth from him.

"I just really want us to see these five dates through," he says.

You playfully jerk your neck back. "Excuse me, Mr. 'Are you sure that 5-date rule is non-negotiable?'" you recite the same words he said during your first date after making this agreement.

A deep laugh rumbles within his chest, then he pulls you closer. "I know, I know... but..." His expression turns wistful. It's as if he knows something you don't.

"But what? Tell me," you coax him.

"There was something you said the last time we were together. It's been on my mind these last few weeks."

The last time you were together, you were a congested mess hopped up on cold medicine. What could you have possibly said to him? Did you suggest more dates?

Nervously, you ask, "And what exactly did I say?"

He purses his lips for a moment, seemingly unsure whether he wants to reveal it or take it to the grave.

He looks directly into your eyes with a calm expression on his face. "You said you loved me."

Your mouth falls open, as you don't recall verbalizing it to him. Perhaps you thought about it so often that your subconscious ended up blurting it out for you.

He cracks a smile. "You're not denying it."

There's no point so you just stare back at him, with gentle eyes.

"Did you mean it?" he asks.

His question takes you back to your old apartment, lying face-to-face with him while you tried to define your relationship. You were falling for him then, but you settled for whatever crumbs he could give you, downplaying labels.

This time, even though you had taken your foot off the gas, you weren't intending to slam on the brakes. You were cruising at a steady speed. Easy. Comfortable. Familiar.

"Yeah," you nod softly. "I did...I do." It isn't how you imagined saying it to him, but since it's been on your mind for a while, the words just decided to slip out on their own.

He smiles sheepishly at your admission, eyes drifting down to his hands. "I really want to earn those words, enough for you to say them to me when you're wide awake.”

"I can tell you now."

"No, don't do that," he says, loosening his hold on you. "I want you to decide when I deserve to hear it. At that point, I'll know that I deserve you, too."

His words hit you like a punch to the gut. He's always been poetic and an expert at wordplay when it comes to his lyrics.

"I love you," he says effortlessly.

You stare at him and let his words sink in. Like it or not, Namjoon was the only one who can make your heart soar to the highest of highs, but you also knew that he could very well pull the rug from underneath you. If that happened again, you weren’t sure whether you’d survive that fall.

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[power-chords]

apologies if you've explained this already, but tumblr search is trash, so I have to ask... why the obsession with michael mann, how did that start?

Oh, man. It’s a long story! In the early days of the pandemic I got a call from my favorite rock musician that he had read a short essay I’d written on his solo album, and he wanted me to contribute a piece to his band’s forthcoming box set. Dream come true obviously, couldn’t say no, so I immediately buckled down on the research end, which for me involved a deeper dive into said musician’s love of film. Mann was on the list of suspects alongside more definitive entries like Coppola and Scorsese, but that turned out to be a happy accident of misreading. (Major shout out to Adam here, by the way, because without his guidance I would have been working with a much more meandering home-brewed syllabus.)

I enjoy movies like any properly adjusted American but they don’t tend to put a spell on me the way music does, or make me want to disassemble the whole contraption piece by piece like a good written story. And Mann’s work was the first time I’d ever encountered films that could have the same effect on me as music and literature. They were hypnotic and enchanting and propulsive, like my favorite records, but they also suggested this dense subterranean architecture of potential meaning, obscured from immediate view but very much there and carefully, deliberately encoded. In other words, these films were like texts imploring (really, daring) you to interpret them.

That’s Mann’s methodology in a nutshell, basically — it’s a seduction gambit, and on me it worked spectacularly! It tapped into my grotesque hedonic animal brain and sparked an intellectual curiosity as well. For me that combination has a narcotic quality that’s hard to explain, but I have an addictive personality. And the more I watched his work, the more it ensnared me like The Footage.* (“WHAT is going on? What is this film doing to me??” Etc.) You have to understand I have no prior experiential basis for this, so as far as I’m concerned it’s witchcraft. By the time I turn in my piece for the box set I have this collateral situation developing, ha ha, oh no, and here I am three years later.

Initially I had wondered if Mann had been an influence on Dulli, but it turned out to be a case of convergent evolution. Or something akin to it. I think they’re just similar in terms of what subject matter they’re attracted to, maybe in their modes of perception and how they make aesthetic/narrative sense of the world. And there is some part of me that keys into that sensibility — whichever part precedes organized expression, maybe even conscious comprehension — and finds it cathartic and liberating and all that good stuff. (I’m a Safety First adrenaline junkie these days so I try to limit my habits to art and pop culture.)

And then he and Meg Gardiner co-wrote an actual book which provoked further investigations, escalations, whatever you want to call them. It turns out that the abyss really DOES stare back into you in the form of numerous spooky historical coincidences. I’m like afraid of Heat 2 at this point because the more I go trawling around in there the more it becomes an eldritch object, LOL. I’m the closest anyone has come to living the film Jumanji, let me put it that way. But the experience has been a blast. And I feel fortunate to have found yet another creator on par with Dulli and Townshend whose work I will be able to take with me and return to over the course of my life, and seek shelter in in that way.

*EVERYBODY READ PATTERN RECOGNITION BY WILLIAM GIBSON!