#i’ve had this in drafts for awhile but i didn’t have enough exs i just found the swimming one today

[touchlikethesun]

tsukki always looks so judgemental in non-volleyball promos like

“this is what you wanted to see? really 🤨” that’s what he’s thinking a hundred percent in all of these

[yandereyugioh]

Hmm. Looking back at the list prompts, how about Mistake from the first list, for platonic Yandere Seto and his little brother Mokuba?

Thanks a lot for this! It’s been sitting in my drafts for awhile, but writing this was fun. 

____________________________________________

The locket is cute, Seto isn’t afraid to admit that to himself. So is the picture of his little brother. It was one of the only pictures they had of each other and he knew for a fact that Mokuba had his picture in his own locket.

Seto had sat in his stupid chair for what felt like hours looking at the picture. I’ve made a terrible mistake, he thought numbly. What have I done? Why did I ever decide Mokuba was a weakness?

Anger flashed across his face and he snapped the locket shut. He needed to find Mokuba. He needed to hug his brother and apologize for breaking his promise. Breaking promises was once something he despised and he vowed to never let this happen again.

He got to his feet and kicked the wretched chair over. First chance he gets, he’s burning the damn thing.

* * * * *

If he was in a cartoon, steam would be pouring from his ears and his face would be red. Well, redder than it already was. His chest hurt but not from an injury. If Seto was in any other state of mind or a calmer one, he would curse himself for showing his emotions so clear on his face.

But Mokuba was in danger. His brother was in danger and right now, nothing else mattered but getting him back.

As soon as his little brother was safe in his arms, Seto was going to hunt every single of those bastards down and make them regret what they've done. Show them how much of a mistake it was to go after his little brother. Right after he got rid of Mokuba's ex-body guards. They were as much to blame as the kidnappers. The two men had one job and that was to keep Mokuba safe. Seto should've known that he couldn’t trust anyone but himself to keep his little brother safe. That alone was his mistake. Everything else was not his fault.

Although a traitorous part of his mind begged to differ. You should have kept a better eye on him. He'd still be here if you just took him to work with you again. Mokuba would have been safe, lounging out on the couch in your office playing games and not scared and enduring whatever the hell those scum see fit .

He shook his head. That stream of thought was not helpful in the slightest. Seto needed to focus or he could lose his brother.

Luckily for him, this group was a bunch of idiots.

They had sent the ransom from a personal email. If he did this right, he'd have the IP traced and Mokuba would be found. He'd finally be safe and Seto would try his damndest to make sure this never happened again.

                                                    *******

'Deep breath in, 1 2 3 4, deep breath out, hold 1 2 3 4,'

Despite the constant flow of advice coming from his mind, Mokuba couldn't calm down. As hard as he tried to stop, his breaths came out sharp and quick. His chest hurt, which made things worse. That, and the wool bag over his head. He still couldn't believe those jerks put a potato bag over his head, of all things. It reeked and made him want to hold his breath.

But that wasn't good. Nii-sama would have told him to never do such stupid things during times like this, so he kept breathing. He tried his best to take his brother's advice and take deep breaths. But it wasn't working.  

No matter how many times Seto's voice floated in his head to try and calm him down, he really couldn't.

How could he not panic? He was in an unknown place with a potato bag over his head! And his captors had only talked to him once, to get Nii-sama's personal email from him.

Mokuba didn't want to give it to him. His brother was going to have to change it now and that was going to be such a pain . If he even noticed it. His brother got a lot of emails everyday, even on his personal one, so Mokuba would be lucky if Seto even noticed it.

He hoped his brother noticed it. Tears fell from his eyes as he gasped for air. He wanted to go home. He wanted Nii-sama to save him and hug him and tell him everything was going to be alright. With how his brother’s been acting ever since he awoke from his coma, that might actually become a possibility.

That’d be nice, Mokuba thought. He’d probably be wearing one of his funny looking trench coats, with a nice pattern. What colors does he have again? I know I’ve seen the blue and purple ones…

In a last ditch effort to not suffocate, Mokuba went through as much of his brother’s wardrobe as he could remember. Surprisingly, it helped. As long as he forced himself to go over anything and everything in that large closet, he could ground himself. It’d have to be enough. Waiting for his brother was all he could do.

[oboevallis]

runaway

hey it’s been a hot minute, not really sure what this is ive have it in my drafts for a while, but i feel like everyone’s written this 😂 but i wanted to post something at least also ‘who is he?’ part 4 will be coming out soon hope everyone’s doing well

“It’s always been her, hasn’t it?” Amelia’s voice wavered as she struggled to keep her composure.

“I didn’t sleep with her!” Link exclaimed, slurring his words. “I just stayed with her.”

“Whenever something goes wrong between us you always go running to Jo. Just get it over with and fuck her already! She’ll be all the things I’m not.”

“You have no right to be mad. I poured my heart out to you, I’ve been planning for months on proposing to you. I love you Amelia Shepherd, but your so damn self destructive you’re ruining this for the both of us. I’ve done everything you’ve wanted this is just one thing I wanted. If anything I should be mad, but I’m being the bigger person.”

“You’re being the bigger person?” Amelia chuckled in disbelief. “Talk to me again when you’re sober.”

“Who said I wasn’t sober?”

“Please, part of Jo’s help sessions always result in the two of you downing a bottle of whiskey, which is an incredibly unhealthy coping mechanism.” As she said this she was aggressively packing her clothes in a suitcase.

“Not everyone’s a fucking alcoholic. Not everyone has to sit an a room with fucked up strangers complaining about their lives, when they did that to themselves.”

“You think I wanted to be snorting oxy off of the reception desk of a medical practice while I’ll my friends watched? Or stealing my brothers car and crashing it trying to find drugs? I thought you were different but you’re just like Owen.” That’s the last thing she said before walking into their sons nursery and scooping with up.

“You can’t take Scout.”

“I can because you’re drunk out of your mind, I don’t even know why I’m talking to you.”

“Where are you going?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Amelia yelled before slamming the door behind her. She fought to get the baby in his car seat, she couldn’t seem to catch a break. She needed to get away, she needed to go back to her original refuge.

“Come on Scout, can we cooperate for mommy?” Amelia begged, fighting off tears as her son kicked and screamed. Despite being a movement baby he hated the car, specifically the car seat since no one could hold him. Eventually the baby was secured, and he quickly fell asleep, as he realized how he exhausted himself after his tantrum. Three hours into the drive Amelia immediately started to regret this, it was a 17 hour drive, and she was doing it alone with a baby who just barely turned one. No, she was doing this, she needed to. She’d be sure to take as many breaks as she needed. This was what needed to be done for her and her sons well-being.

After two hotel visits and countless stops along I-5 S she found herself in LA standing outside her sisters door, but couldn’t bring herself to knock. She knew Addison loved her but she couldn’t help already feeling the subtle condescension. ‘How have you already managed to screw this up?’ ‘I love you Amy, I do, but isn’t this a little extreme?’ ‘You’re clean, right? Because I’ll take you back right this minute’

Quickly she turned around to go back to her car to think about her next game plan before a voice stopped her.

“Amy?” Amelia jerked back around to be met with Addison’s confused yet comforting smile.

“Umm I’m vaccinated, but I got tested if that makes you more comfortable. I’m negative I-I just needed to get put of Seattle.”

“I know the feeling.” The older woman chuckled holding the door open wider to allow the two to come in. “Now let me hold my new nephew!” She squealed as she held her arms out for the baby, soaking in his tiny stature. “I miss when Henry was this little.”

“Where is the little guy? It’s awfully quiet.”

“They went camping, Henry’s been stir crazy for over a year and it seemed safe enough for the two to go away.”

“I’m sure Jake was thrilled.” Amelia smirked thinking back to the time the practice went on a camping trip together and Jake had almost refused to go hence his disdain for the wilderness.

“You know it.” Addison joked along, playing with the baby’s tiny fingers. The older woman then lead the way back onto the deck and settled on a lounge chair under an umbrella. Amelia followed behind and took out sunscreen from the diaper bag she was sure to pick up once they got to LA. “He’s absolutely adorable Amelia.”

“Thanks.” Amelia smiled as she lathered the baby’s extremities with sunscreen.

“Gosh i just want to eat him up.” Addison pretended to bite into him, causing the baby to shriek with laughter. Cracking the first genuine smile the neurosurgeon had since after Maggie’s wedding. “You know I was talking to Charlotte a little while ago and she mentioned she was going to go to a meeting if you want to go meet up with her, she still goes to the one near the pier.”

“Thank you, Addison.” It now felt silly to have been scared to talk to Addison, she always knew how to help the neurosurgeon. “Are you sure you’re okay to watch him?”

“More than okay.” Addison beamed, running her hand through the baby’s hair. “And even if you stayed I still wouldn’t let this little guy go.”

“I love you Addie.”

“Love you too Amy.” Addison assured as the woman walked out to her car, it’d be a lie if she said she wasn’t worried for her little sister. But she was reaching out for help, she wasn’t sure what the issue was but she was immensely proud she came to her and not a baggie of pills.

_______________________________________

“Don’t you think you should call her?” Jo asked as she prepared a bottle for Luna.

“No.” Link coldly said, cradling the baby in his arms.

“At least for Scout’s sake?”

“He’s fine, looking back Amelias made it very clear she’s the only parent that matters or gets a say.” Link bitterly replied.

“I’m sure it isn’t like that.” As much as she loved her dear friend, he couldn’t see where he also went wrong in this situation. “She loves you.”

“Not enough to marry me.”

“She isn’t ready.”

“Her and Hunt were off and on, and she accepted his proposal.”

“First off she had a brain tumor, and because of said brain tumor she impulsively asked him to marry her. She thinks clearly now, and I think she just wants it to work out and be right.” Jo turned around and sighed as she saw her friends annoyed look. “You’ve never been a marriage guy, where is this even coming from?”

“I don’t know it just feels right, i don’t want to lose her.”

“Your gonna lose her if you push her into this.”

“I move mountains for her, I’ve adjusted my whole life for her. It’s just one thing, one thing that I want.”

“Link are you stupid? This isn’t fighting over what couch you get this determines the rest of your life. And marriage isn’t all that, it doesn’t keep a person there.” Jo sighed, since adopting Luna she’d been thinking a lot about her ex husband, and how stupid the concept of marriage was.

________________________________________

“Has he called?” Addison cautiously asked as Amelia fed her baby.

“Nope.” Amelia popped the ‘p’. “I get that he hates me now, but I thought he’d at least check in on Scout.”

“He’s just upset.”

“I know, I just thought he understood. He’s nothing like Owen but since we moved into his apartment I just feel suffocated like I did when we were married.”

“Have you tried talking to someone, professionally?” Addison inquired, leaning further back onto the beach chair.

“What so they can silently judge how I have a perfect life but still feel terrible?”

“Amy, you know a therapist isn’t going to think that, their there to help you without judgement.” She stared at the woman for awhile until she came to a realization. “After Scout was born you didn’t have any postpartum appointments did you?”

“No, the world had shut down a week after he was born.” Amelia confirmed.

“Do you think your having a delayed postpartum depression reaction? I mean you were thrown into taking care of a newborn and three other kids who aren’t yours in complete isolation . Then On top of that you didn’t have time to grieve Christopher. It’s difficult on women who have lost a child previously when they bring home a healthy baby.” Amelia held back her tears, as much as she tried to focus on scout she couldn’t help but feel broken over the fact Christopher didn’t have the opportunities scout has.

“Pre-covid a day wouldn’t go by that I didn’t think of Christopher. Then I just got so caught up in everything, and I’d barely think about him. I mean I almost forgot his birthday.”

“You can’t feel guilty about that.”

“I j-just wish Link would get that I don’t want another baby.I mean he’s ten times more understanding than Owen was about my grief but, I just don’t want another baby.”

“You’re allowed to not want another baby, but do you think it has to do with Christopher?”

“I don’t think so, I just can’t love yet another person without losing myself. It feels like I already have, I don’t recognize anything about me. Surgery doesn’t even give me the thrill it use to.” The older women sat up and placed a reassuring hand on the younger ones knee.

“I’m gonna talk to Violet and have her refer someone to you. Then you’re gonna talk to Link and come up with a game plan. And I’m gonna be right here the whole time, you’re my family. Everyone here is your family we’ve got you.”

[genevievemd]

'Broke'

also do you have an angsty one shot in which there is no relationship problems between Ethan and gen (i.e. they should be a couple in it), just general sadness.

The reason I ask is because our uni surprised us with exams dates and they are A LOT sooner than we expected and I need a good cry

If you don't have it don't worry or write one on account of me

You can also light my way towards a good cry fic or movie

Broke “That's not the kind of tired I meant. Have you talked to Ethan since he broke things off?”

Send me a word, if it’s in my wip document I’ll answer your ask with the sentence that it appears in.

As for the rest of your ask, I have a couple WIPS but none that are near ready to be posted. BUT I adore you, so I’m gonna give you the super rough draft of one of the 50 ILY prompts that I think falls under what you want. 

But be warned, when I say rough, i mean rough. Like its half actually written and half shit sentences to get my point across before I go back and actually write them lol (under the read more)

She thought she was safe from him. Miles and years away from his taunts and games and tear downs. Never in a million years did Genevieve expect her ex to show up in Boston, Edenbrook no less. Her safe place. 

The darkness of the on-call room does little to ease herI h anxiety, stop the tears from falling and her chest constricting. Her eyes are still trained on the far wall, counting the minutes until her break is over, and she has to return to the demons of her past. 

Ryan Ozwell was the last person she ever expected to see again. Boston is a far cry from UPenn, 

No part of her wanted to tell him about her life and she was doing a fairly decent job at keeping the specifics from him. Until the moment Ryan asked if she was seeing someone. 

The smug, condescending look on his face like an echo from their past. His favorite insults repeating themselves over and over again in her mind. 

You’re worthless

You’re nothing

No one could ever love a piece of second class, backwater trash like you. 

So she gave in, against her better judgement, and told him she was with someone. That they were a doctor at the hospital but nothing more. But that was all he needed to break her down again, laugh in her face at the supposed absurdity that a fellow doctor would find her worthwhile. 

And In the hours between his admission and her later check in, Ryan had somehow figured out that Ethan was the man she was with, and it was like the gates of hell had opened. The fire in his eyes something unearthly, his words dripping with a deadly venom that paralyzed her. 

You’re still trying to date above your worth. 

How can you still be so naive? You really think he loves you? 

You’re a game to him, just like you were with me. Men like us get off on seeing how far we can string the pretty little thing along. 

I bet you only have the position you do because you’re sleeping with him. You were always a good fuck. 

It’s a shame you took that spot from someone who actually deserves it. 

She never showed him that it was getting to her, she kept the emotions at bay until she took her break. And went to an on call room to cry in the dark. 

She hates herself for still being affected by him, almost 9 years after they’d broken up and even after finding Ethan. 

She sees the door open, quickly shutting her eyes to make it look she’s sleeping. She hears the door shut with a soft click, the lock is turned and then slow measured footsteps walking towards her. 

Something in her tells her it’s Ethan and she’s proven right when he sits on the edge of the cot - placing a hand on her back, his fingers lightly caressing her.

Slowly Genevieve opens her eyes, but keeps her gaze trained on the invisible hole she’s been burning into the wall, afraid to see the look on his face. 

Ethan leans forward and wipes a tear from her cheek. His fingers linger on her skin before brushing a piece of hair behind her ear.He returns his hand to her back, running it up and down her spine. she can see him look at her with concern. Gen swallows back tears and reaches for his other hand, holding it tightly, but doesn’t look at him. 

After another moment, Gen takes a deep breath and turns her head to finally look at him. He gives her a reassuring smile, his face still full of concern. 

“I’m fine.” Her voice is barely above a whisper, still hoarse from crying 

“You don’t have to pretend with me, Gen.”

“I know that.” 

“Let me help.” 

She starts to tear up again and shakes her head. She bits the corner of her mouth and closes her eyes for a moment then looks back at the floor. 

“Don’t shut me out, Genevieve. Talk to me.” 

She half laughs, looking up at him with a faint smile. 

He leans in closer, placing right hand behind her and the fingers of his left hand brushing through her hair. 

“What did he say to you?” 

“How did you…” 

“I walked by his room and he very loudly yelled that he knew who I was. So I went to check his chart, saw the name and then immediately went to find you.” 

Gen sits up a little and Ethan moves his hand from her hair to her cheek. 

“Why didn’t you tell me that he was your patient? I could’ve gotten you off the case without anyone asking questions.” 

“Because you have enough to worry about. You’re the head of an entire department. Between that and Leland, Terrance and the construction, the last thing you need is a 3rd year resident crying to you about a difficult patient.”

“Genevieve…” Ethan leans forward and presses a loving kiss to her forehead. “You’re not just a resident, you’re my, as much as I hate such a juvenile term, girlfriend. Regardless of what’s going on, or how busy I am, you can always, and should always, come to me with whatever’s troubling you.” Ethan moves back to look into her eyes, “I know we try to keep the line between our work and private lives rather clear, but this is one of those times when that line should be crossed. Ryan Ozwell, isn’t just a random patient who’s being particularly difficult, he’s your borderline abusive ex. You should’ve come to me the minute you got his chart. Not just as a resident but as my girlfriend as well.”  

“You wouldn’t have been mad? I was worried you’d think I was being weak or something.” 

“Oh, I am mad, believe me. I’m irate, but not at you. Do you want me to take you off the case? Just say the word, and I’ll hand it over to a different resident or an intern. Preferably one of the less competent ones. Who’s caused the most trouble this week, it’s been awhile since I’ve given a good shake down.” 

Gen laughs, moving her hand to his chest. She fiddles with the lapel of his white coat, “No, I…” She looks down at her hand before looking back at Ethan, “I need to do this.” 

“You are absolutely certain?” 

“Yes.” She smiles softly, “You don’t need to protect me.” 

“I’m well aware that I don’t need to, Gen. I know you are more than capable of fighting your own battles, but I want to.” He strokes her cheek with his thumb, catching a wayward tear in its path. “Let me be there for you, the way you’ve always been there for me.” 

She nods

“How much time is left on your break?” 

Gen reaches for her phone, “A little over ten minutes.” 

Ethan takes off his coat, and loosens his tie. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Scoot over.” Gen does as he says but starts to cry again when she realizes he’s going to lay on the cot with her. 

Ethan lays down, leaning against the bed frame. Gen immediately wraps herself around him - practically lies on top of him. Her head is on his chest and her arm around his waist. Ethan holds her tightly, their legs tangled together. 

Thinks about how gentle and loving Ethan is, compared to her ex, how her safety and comfort are always his number one priority. How he makes her feel like the most precious thing in the world to him. How safe she feels when she’s in his arms. 

The moment is cut short when the timer on her phone goes off, Gen untangles herself enough to grab it from beside the pillow. She looks at it with a frown then looks at Ethan.

“Breaks over. I should go see if his test results are back. The sooner I figure out what’s wrong with him, the sooner he leaves.”

Gen gets up and stands, Ethan gets up as well. She hesitates, her hands shaking just the slightest bit. He steps forward to kiss her forehead, running his hand down her arm in comfort. 

“I’m coming with you.” 

“Ethan, really, you don’t -” 

“I’d like to see him try and say something while I’m in the room. He so much as looks at you the wrong way and -” 

Gen cuts him off with a kiss, leaning up on her tiptoes and holding his face in her hands. He immediately wraps his arms around her waist, holding her close. Her eyes start to water at his gentleness, never taking more than she offers. She pulls back after a moment, and looks in his eyes. They haven’t said “I love you you” yet but the way he’s looking at her says everything she needs to know. Ethan loves her more than anything. The thought makes more tears settle in her eyes and Ethan takes his hand off her waist to wipe them away. Her eyes flutter close at his touch and she leans up as he leans down, meeting her halfway as their foreheads touch. “I am so incredibly thankful for you, I…” 

“I know. I feel the same way about you.”

They share a knowing smile before fully leaving each other arms and heading for the door. ‘

I hope this helped. I promise to actually finish it at some point lol

Also, I can’t think of any movies to cry to atm. 

[therapy101]

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for weeks, but then I get nervous and I don’t. Today’s the day.

It’s about one of my past mentors. I’ve been thinking about him- I rarely gender identify actual people but in this case it’s important that he is a he – I’ve been thinking about him a lot, lately.

Because I’ve had some pretty huge successes this last year. Because he didn’t think I would. And maybe I thought that if I just got to this point- this assistant professor point, this not needing his approval or his letter of recommendation ever again point, this actually-I-can-care-about-real-people-and-do-good-science point –if I just made it here, he would fade away and I would never think about him again or seethe about the way he treated me while secretly hoping he would fall all over himself congratulating me again. I would just be and he would disappear. But he didn’t, and just this morning I was reading his twitter feed, seething and hoping.

I met him in undergrad. He invited me to be one of his RAs, and later, his TA. He gave me responsibilities that most undergrads don’t get. He wrote me a letter of recommendation for graduate school and then got another faculty member to write one too when I didn’t have enough. I babysat and dog-sat for him. We met on campus, and off campus- usually in groups, but not always. He bought me dinner and wine. After I received an offer to attend the program where he had received his PhD, he tearfully told me the program wasn’t good enough for me and he knew I would accept a better offer. Once, he surprised me- I have a strong startle reflex and didn’t see him coming –and he apologized profusely for days.

He built me up.

He openly discussed the strengths and weaknesses of his students, and which he liked best, which seemed to be based on who obeyed him and agreed with him the most. He told me- explicitly –that I should try harder to be one of his favorites. He criticized everything I did. He called me on a major holiday to complain about a draft I’d sent him and demand immediate revisions. He watched the tapes of me collecting data for our studies, and saved sections he didn’t like so he could show them to me. He didn’t like my facial expression (too mean) or my tone of voice (too flat, which contrasts weirdly with a later supervisor who thought I talked like a “valley girl”). He expected more from me. When it was time for my evaluation, instead of giving me feedback on my performance, he gave me feedback on my personality. He thought I was directionless, overly ambitious, “lost.” He thought I was wasting my talents on clinical psychology, because –according to him –it was total bullshit, a pseudointellectual exercise that makes therapists feel good but doesn’t actually help anyone, although he also didn’t really believe that mental health mattered enough to study either. A real scientist would pursue something else, like data science. I cried. I told him something nearly no one knows, a deep hurt from my past. He told me something similar. It might have been intended to make me feel better, this sharing of secrets, but I felt exposed and ripped open and burdened.

He tore me down.

A number of the people in my life at that time- my ex-boyfriend, my parents –thought we were having an affair. We weren’t, and I don’t remember any moment I thought he was testing the waters in that direction. But years later, I was looking at a list of signs of emotional abuse, and it all fit. We had that up-and-down, toxic-but-dedicated relationship you expect out of people who are in love even though they’re terrible for each other. I probably did love him, but I also hated him. My friends and family got used to me complaining about the latest frustrating or mean thing he’d done. Eventually they stopped asking why I continued to work with him. My mother told me that the number one reason she was excited for my upcoming graduation from college was that it meant I would never have to work with him again.

And I haven’t. I moved on. We talked occasionally at first and met up once, which was an awkward disaster that lead to a long text chat where he, possibly drunk and definitely emotional, apologized for not valuing me more. I didn’t know what to say. I felt invaded. We didn’t talk for years after that. Every once in awhile he made an overture- “when you visit next, let’s get a drink!” –and I was carefully polite but non-committal. Which isn’t to say I didn’t want to see him- I did –but something had changed for me in that strange meeting after I started graduate school. He was still talking about favorite students and what I should do to be one of them, and I felt disdainful. Why does he think I want to be one of them? I had a new mentor, who believed that mental health care, science, and social justice were intricately connected, has never commented on my appearance or my voice, and treats all of their students like they matter. Since then, I have had many mentors and supervisors- most good to excellent. I have had conflicts with mentors, but was mostly able to resolve them in ways where I felt respected and heard. I was not reliant on his approval anymore.

And yet, here I am, about a decade later, and I want his approval. Maybe more than that- I want him to acknowledge the scale of my success and that I achieved it despite him. I want to know that he knows that he treated me poorly, and not in some soppy, in-my-feelings way. Possibly perversely, it reminds me of that same ex-boyfriend, another toxic relationship that tore me down even in the good moments, that relied on me undervaluing myself and so not expecting any better from him. I don’t miss that ex-boyfriend, but I find myself in some moments wishing that he would recognize what he did wrong and sincerely apologize for it- not because he wants me back (he’s apologized in a “things will be different!” sort of way before, and it rings hollow), but because it’s the right thing to do. Neither of these things will happen.

The last time I was in therapy, my therapist and I talked about closure. She said something I think about a lot: sometimes you need to create your own closure, because the person you want it from isn’t going to do it for you. I hoped reaching this point in my career would be my closure: I had proved him wrong. But I don’t feel it yet.

[hexiva]

Book Reviews

I’m getting back into reading fantasy, getting a bunch of random books out of the library if they look good. I thought I’d post my thoughts on them.

The Tiger at Midnight, by Swati Teerdhala Inspired by the culture of ancient India and Hindu mythology, The Tiger at Midnight by Swati Teerdhala features a cat-and-mouse game of deception and thrills between a rebel assassin and the reluctant young soldier tasked to bring her to justice.

Just finished this one. There were definitely times when I thought I was just going to stop and take it back to the library unread. It’s by no means a terrible book, but in many ways it feels too much like every other YA book I’ve read. I really like the concept of the central romance: it’s an enemy romance, which I love, the characters have a pretty equal power dynamic, and there’s no gross abuse stuff to put me off. It also felt like a gender-reversal of the typical YA dynamics - Esha is like the dark, handsome, conflicted romance hero, and Kunal is like the sweet, repressed heroine. I liked that, and I really liked Esha as a character. Kunal was by no means unsympathetic either. But the relationship between the two of them, which was central to the book, felt really under developed. The narrative informs us that they feel something for each other very early on, when they’ve barely spoken, and continues informing us of their feelings, but I kept wondering . . . why? There were a couple of points where there was a line like “It’s strange that I feel so strongly for him given we barely know each other!” and I feel like, when you find yourself writing a line like that, you should sit back and think a bit about why you felt the need to point this out. It felt like there were opportunities for them to be pushed together and bond, and the book didn’t really capitalize on them - or, rather, acted as if they’d already been pushed together. It felt like it was missing a key moment early on in the book where they bond. There’s a reveal halfway through the book (pg 300 out of 500) that they knew each other as children, but it’s too little too late.

5/10. I’m thinking of picking up her next book because I feel like there’s a lot of potential here and I’d like to read a more polished version of this book.

Akata Warrior, by Nnedi Okorafor A year ago, Sunny Nwazue, an American-born girl Nigerian girl, was inducted into the secret Leopard Society. As she began to develop her magical powers, Sunny learned that she had been chosen to lead a dangerous mission to avert an apocalypse, brought about by the terrifying masquerade, Ekwensu. Now, stronger, feistier, and a bit older, Sunny is studying with her mentor Sugar Cream and struggling to unlock the secrets in her strange Nsibidi book.

Awhile back, I was at SDCC, and I walked by a publisher’s booth, and they handed me the first book in this series, for free! They just gave me a whole book for free! I’ve had this happen before at cons, but it’s usually self-published stuff, or spin-off books of dubious quality. But this is a book that’s perfectly relevant to my interests, a YA fantasy novel with an exciting new setting, and they just gave it to me! What a wonderful thing to have happen.

Anyway, I was hooked, and I got the next book in the series out of the library. I loved it. The woman at the publisher’s booth told me this was “Nigerian Harry Potter,” and I definitely got Harry Potter vibes from it. It honestly took me back to my days reading the original HP books in a way none of JK Rowling’s subsequent books (or the movies) have been able to do. That’s not to say it’s a copy, or anything - this series is way more eager to dig into the big, magical mythical stuff that HP mostly only hinted at, and is conversely much more willing to spend time in the real world and discuss real-world issues. It’s . . . really really good.

Also, as a personal bonus for me, there are multiple cool magical creatures which are arthropods - mythical spiders, cool magic wasps, I just love it.

9/10. My mom stopped reading it halfway through saying “As I get older, I’ve had less patience for books that aren’t very good.” But then again, she never liked Harry Potter as much as I did either, so maybe she just doesn’t get our generation.

Click more for reviews of We Hunt the Flame, Bloodwitch, and The Throne of the Crescent Moon

We Hunt the Flame, by Hafsah Faizal Zafira is the Hunter, disguising herself as a man when she braves the cursed forest of the Arz to feed her people. Nasir is the Prince of Death, assassinating those foolish enough to defy his autocratic father, the king. If Zafira was exposed as a girl, all of her achievements would be rejected; if Nasir displayed his compassion, his father would punish him in the most brutal of ways.

I really wanted to like this book. I’ve been reading a lot of Middle-Eastern history and the thought of a fantasy inspired by that is 100% my jam. But this book is just . . . not that good. It’s not offensively bad, it just feels like the first draft of another, better book. I actually did not finish this book. I gave up and took it back to the library.

The main romance feels very predictable, and honestly, it was giving me big Reylo fanfic vibes. The exposition, of which there is massive amounts, is clumsily delivered. It feels like it ought to be the second book in a series, because there are so many past events being explained all the time.

The one thing I kinda liked was the bits of Arabic in the book, and the choice to not exposit the Arabic bits on top of the fantasy bits. And I learned a new Arabic word from this book! That’s a positive.

3/10. Wish they’d spent more time on the editing.

Bloodwitch, by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes (and its sequel, Bloodkin) Vance Ehecatl was raised with every luxury he could imagine in a beautiful greenhouse within the powerful empire of Midnight. Vampires are the only guardians Vance has ever known since he was abandoned by his shapeshifter family as a baby quetzal, and he is grateful to them for generously providing for all of his needs. When an act of violence forces Vance from his sheltered home, he is startled to meet Malachi Obsidian, a fellow shapeshifter with conflicting ideas about Midnight and its leader, Mistress Jeshickah.

This is a new book from an author I loved as a child. Atwater-Rhodes published her first book at 14, when I was four, and I came across her books when I was 11ish and first learning to write. Her book Hawksong was the first romance story I really enjoyed, and its sequel Wolfcry was one of the first times I ever encountered a queer romance in a fantasy novel, at a time I was starting to wonder whether I was queer.

This book still caught the same interest I had in her books all those years ago. Bloodwitch is set in the same world as Hawksong, but centuries later. Personally, I would have preferred a book set in the same timeline, but it was still great to return to this world and its conflicts and magic.

With that said, it wasn’t perfect, and this wasn’t one of those times where I returned to an old favorite author and was like “Oh my god, I never appreciated what a genius she was when I was a stupid kid!” I was particularly struck by Vance’s character arc in the first book, which felt uneven. Vance is raised by the villains, and believes they’re the good guys initially. And then, early in the book, one of them kills his friend in cold blood, shouts at him, tries to kill him, and chases him out of their stronghold. And then . . . he goes back to them, and there’s ANOTHER, separate moment where he suddenly realizes they don’t care about him and turns on them. I really didn’t understand why that first moment didn’t shake his loyalty, but the second one did.

I was also kind of disappointed by the lack of queer characters. A lot of my favorite straight authors, when I checked back in on their work in 2019, have included queer representation, and because I knew that Atwater-Rhodes is herself queer, I was really hoping for some of That Gay Shit.

7/10. Give me that gay shit, Atwater-Rhodes, I know you’re holding out on me.

The Throne of the Crescent Moon, by Saladin Ahmed The Crescent Moon Kingdoms, home to djenn and ghuls, holy warriors and heretics, are at the boiling point of a power struggle between the iron-fisted Khalif and the mysterious master thief known as the Falcon Prince. In the midst of this brewing rebellion a series of brutal supernatural murders strikes at the heart of the Kingdoms. It is up to a handful of heroes to learn the truth behind these killings.

This, this was the book I wanted when I picked up We Hunt the Flame. This is the quality content I want in my fantasy novel. I fell in love with the main character, Adoulla, almost immediately, and I was terrified he was going to die. I just love this prissy, hedonistic, idealistic, middle-aged, fat hero so much, and I will RIOT if Ahmed kills him off.

I liked the other older characters in this book a lot too. Ahmed clearly has a knack for making cool characters. Dawoud and Litaz are cranky old ex-adventurers. Adoulla’s love interest is a middle-aged sex worker who really wants him to commit and marry her or fuck off, and I am so rooting for them, I want them to live happily ever after, they deserve that.

The treatment of sex work and sex worker characters in this book is also a major plus. There’s a lot of moral ambiguity in this book, where I’m not sure which character we’re supposed to believe, but the one issue the book takes a firm stance on is DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE TO SEX WORKERS, THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO. This book is written by a man and is not the kind of feminist fantasy I read a lot of (like We Hunt the Flame and The Tiger at Midnight are) so I was pleasantly surprised by this strong pro-sex worker’s rights message.

On the downside, I did feel like the younger characters were less interesting than the older characters. They still felt like colorful, detailed characters drawn with a skillful hand, but they also felt much closer to the kind of characters you usually see front and center in a fantasy novel. What I loved about Adoulla and company is that you don’t often see fantasy heroes who are fat and old and tired. The romance between the two younger heroes is competently drawn and believable but I did find myself wishing the camera would pan away from them and go back to the cool characters.

Other notes:

I found out that Saladin Ahmed is a Marvel Comics writer and is writing a comic about my favorite superhero, Ms Marvel, and I couldn’t be happier with that news.

I was certain, reading this book, that Ahmed plays D&D and that this book was inspired by D&D, and HA, CALLED IT. My nerd-dar is ON POINT.

9/10. Adoulla is my dad now, no take-backsies.

[loucifieri]

ndrv3 HPA AU (Class ‘79) notes~

I’ve only ever been posting snippets of the their silly school life (without following a chronological timeline of events) so here’s some context of how I characterized the ndrv3 kids (essentially the same personalities but with some tweaks) and maybe some info on the relationships in my comics. Implied and outright spoilers, apparently. The rest under the cut.

NDRV3 Character design masterlist here Class 79A Character descriptions here Further characterizations here Family headcanons here Cover Art here Dorm designs here

Comic snippets so far: (most of these were from before I finalized their characterizations) Moms called out by trash child Kaito and Kokichi have “The Talk” How Kaede became the Class Rep A Lesson in Romantics Real Talk Sports Day

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/Draft/ Final characterizations here

Kaede Akamatsu: The ‘protagonist spotlight’ mostly falls on her. Personality-wise, she’ll still be the ever cheerful, charming and kind Kaede (with a toned down self-righteousness) but with a dash of her pre-game personality which is being mistrustful and to an extent, condescending. 

Angie Yonaga: Angie is still Angie, but with added eccentricities. Since she her character design kind of implies she’s from an island in the West (okay, Hawaii) which is part of America, she’s going to be referencing memes and western culture.

Kirumi Tojo: Her maid shtick is a conscious effort for her. She has selfish whims and insecurities deep down that calm, collected and altruistic persona that she tries to project. (in-game Tojo was just too one dimensional, ugh)

Tenko Chabashira: She mostly maintains her enthusiastic, down to earth, protective (of the girls) nature but she won’t be too vocal about her aversion towards the MENaces (it was so overdone in the game to the point of being annoying) and with a short temper. Will probably have a sad or comical (still can’t decide which lol) backstory about why she dislikes DEGENERATE MALES.

Himiko Yumeno: Mostly the same with her in-game personality but isn’t dismissive of human interaction. Apart from her “I’m a mage, not a magician” gag, she’s suspected to be always on drugs by most. Secretly stays up late a lot to watch k-drama.

Maki Harukawa: Still anti-social and uptight but it won’t be because of her talent (which is outright revealed to be Ultimate Assassin)… she just hates talking to people her age (lol). Also, her backstory won’t be the same in-game coz that seemed intentionally sad in context, but it’s strangely out of place in a peaceful AU like this. She’s still from an orphanage and serves as an elder sister figure. She was physically conditioned and trained to be an assassin but it turns out it was just a complicated plot to make her a Motion Capture stunt girl for an Assassin’s Creed game. So yeah, she hasn’t really killed anyone in real life but she physically (and mentally??) can, if desired.

Tsumugi Shirogane: She won’t think she’s a plain jane nor will she make an effort to remain a ‘wallflower.’ She’s into a lot of fandoms, naturally. She also stans Junko Enoshima (who isn’t a Despair junkie btw) and makes vague references about “being in a reality show,” (wink, wink)

Miu Iruma: Same ol’ Miu, but will try to make an effort to be likeable. Also has standards, so no she is not going to do lewd things with Teru Teru-sempai.

Shuichi Saihara: Since no one has to die for his character development, it’s going to take awhile for him to remove his hat. At first, he’s still meek and unconfident but not codependent on Kaede. Also adding a dash of his pre-game personality, him being an avid fanboy of all things detective (stans Kyoko Kirigiri, has a sizable collection of Nancy Drew Books and Detective Conan manga etc). Struggles with depression at times.

Kokichi Ouma: Compulsive lying is dumbed down and has his limits with his intentional assholery. His genuinely caring personality will also peek through a lot and he won’t vehemently deny it that much.

Rantaro Amami: Carefree, easygoing and fabulously gay big brother figure of the class. Makes vlogs in the style of Bear Grylls’ Man VS Wild. He also references the Danganronpa franchise plots (except V3) in his stories of his adventures.

Kaito Momota: Still quite sexist but it’s more because of upbringing rather than intentional. He doesn’t just suddenly develop an incurable, deadly disease but he has Tuberculosis (hence, coughs a lot). And, he’s very competitive (his pre-game personality repackaged).

Ryoma Hoshi: Mostly detached and stoic but not depressive and unfeeling. I’m tweaking his backstory a bit coz an ex-con that has served prison time going back to high school is a bit weird (and I don’t want the “HPA pulling shady shenanigans” shtick). His family has been murdered and all he has left is the family cat (that he gets to keep in the dorms) and he’s been pursuing leads about the mafia responsible for it. He’s basically a Sasuke Uchiha here. Anyway, he’s wise but vindictive. Fortunately, he doesn’t want to serve justice with his own hands.

Korekiyo Shinguji: Doesn’t have a sister complex and definitely not a compulsive serial killer here. He’s already got an interesting, creepy persona. Miyadera is alive, but still sickly and would visit him often to bring him home-cooked meals. Unsurprisingly has a fascination for see-saws.

Gonta Gokuhara: still the best boy best boy best boy raised in the mountains He won’t be too gullible here and would even join in roasting Kokichi.

Keebo Idabashi: He’s the Ultimate Robotics Engineer since he’s not a robot. Spent most of his life sheltered (even from the internet) so he’s shy and quite socially inept. Always gets very defensive of his talent.

And now, for the platonic and romantic ships~ I actually multiship but in this AU I’m going to stick to one ship for a particular person since I’m personally not keen on polyamory. (please don’t burn me on a stake)

Kaede||Shuichi: Saimatsu BROTP; in fact, they refer to each other by first name. I didn’t want this to be an “OTP” here since Saimatsu was mostly set up and situational in-game because of Shuichi’s codependency and Kaede’s desire to break him out of his shell, though undeniably they do have a really good chemistry together. Really, I love Saimatsu just-- let them explore their options. (I’m also just bitter I couldn’t flirt more using Kaede after Chapter 1 ;w;)

Kaede|Kirumi: I’m not inconspicuous about it actually lol idk I just see a good chemistry between them. Also, think of the mom jokes since they’re both the class moms. And while my comics tend to jump back and forth chronologically, if I was going to write a fic– their relationship is a slow burn with lots of pining

Shuichi|Kokichi: Their love hotel scene oh my god Kokichi really has it bad and that little liar is a good match for Sai, he facilitated his growth in a (twisted) way but this is an AU so yeah. Beforehand, Kokichi has a slight interest in Rantaro.

Maki|Kaito: This is a canon-ish ship that had a weird development too, but again, they have a nice chemistry too. I wanna explore that normal, potential development between them (also, I’m not sayin they’re both necessarily straight coz this is a straight ship lol).

Himiko|Tenko: There’s just… a lot of potential cuteness in them, even though they were kind of dysfunctional in canon. The fact that they’re polar opposites when it comes to physical activities gives me enough cannon fodder for their tandem. And Himiko being involved with Tenko can really help her a lot (like when the latter’s death in-game impacted her so much).

Kaito||Kokichi: Sort of a Oumota reference lol Chapter 5 gave me an inkling of their dynamics together and it was nice to see that Kaito gave Kokichi a leap of faith despite all his atrocities. So, I think they’d be good friends in the AU, just laced with a lot of badmouthing and insulting each other.

Rantaro||Tsumugi: Mastermind and Survivor solidarity~ They’re good friends in middle school before entering HPA.

Miu||Keebo: They’re both socially inept techie nerds sitting at the back of the class so finding friendship with each other isn’t far from happening. I lowkey shipped them in the game but I haven’t decided in this AU yet~

That’s all for now I guess :D I can try to make an actual comic with plot about them someday… but I can’t promise, even to myself. huhu

[boyfriem-moved]

pl ea se info dump about your ocs

oh boy ok you,,, don’t want this but u already asked and it’s too late to go back so im just gonna start talking

ok so i have like 2 separate oc worlds and 3 seperate groups of ocs within those (these are just the main ones, there’s ones i don’t think abt anymore and ones i’ve abandoned and fan characters and stuff but if i went over all of that i’d be here all day so i’ll just stick with these)

so the first world is just our world, modern day, but with magic. there’s this one town, barnsley, georgia, that’s cut off from the rest of the world. most ppl drive by without ever noticing it, and if someone tries to go in who’s not wanted the town will disappear or try to kill them or just do something to keep them out. it’s a vaguely sentient town. in barnsley there’s a big forest and no one’s ever gone in and come out the other side. there’s ambiguous danger in the forest, mostly faeries who will make you fall in love with them and then kill you and harvest your bones and stuff.

so there’s like 4-6 characters depending on where we’re looking at in terms of what storyline i’m following (this is the one that i did nanowrimo for three (3) times and have over 100,000 words of thrown out content for and obsess over constantly so it has the most solid plot and there’s a lot of it) so anyways i’ll just go over all 6 and try to make it as simple as possible without talking about converging storylines and alternate drafts and stuff

ok! so! vi larson-park is the daughter of one of barnsley’s 3 great magicians! her mom could do all sorts of crazy magic and i can’t get into the parents’ backstory here bc they have a whole OTHER story and that’s just. too much (maybe i’ll do that later? we’ll see) so yeah her mom did magic and also made some bad deals and stole some stuff from the woods and indirectly caused some ppls deaths but it’s like fine probably. so vi grew up with her mom, natalie, her mom’s witch girlfriend, erica, and erica’s twin brother, simon (who i’ll get into later and also who doesn’t exist in half the scrapped drafts) in this big empty DEFINITELY HAUNTED house on the edge of town where erica grew up and they were good and happy. then like a year ago natalie was killed by nick, who i’ll also get into later, and that’s kinda the end of her story, vi and erica are obviously devastated and they have a funeral and vi starts having the occasional odd dream here and there, but things go back to normal after awhile. vi has absolutely no aptitude for magic, and because of that she often feels alienated by erica and simon who are VERY magical and always talking about things she doesn’t understand. she’s fiercely loyal and protective and not really scared of anything. she’s always wanted to know what’s in the woods but knows better than to go looking

tyler is vi’s best friend and also 50% whole entire Not Human. he either came from the woods or was found outside a random gas station in like arizona or something depending on which draft i’m going by, but either way he was found around two years ago and has been clinging to vi ever since. his backstory is a big unknown to the human characters and no one really knows anything about him. he’s a faerie prince, the son of the erlking, who’s sort of the ambiguous villain of the story but i’ll get into him later. he has 3 brothers, sorrel, dain, and kell. sorrel is the oldest and known as the winter prince, then there’s kell for spring, dain for summer, and tyler himself for autumn. (btw his name isn’t actually tyler technically it’s robin but i'm not gonna get into that rn.) sorrel is cool and collected and stone cold bitch, and all he wants is to be king so he roped tyler into helping him try and kill their dad, which failed, so then he lost his position in the royal court and now he’s doing tons of morally gray stuff in an attempt to get back in his dad’s favor so he can kill him for real this time. dain and kell are sort of nothing at all and you don’t need to know anything except dain is really mean and violent and kell is an ally(?). after the whole failed killing debacle tyler ran away to barnsley in hopes that he could find something in common with the humans, since he’d been a faerie all his life and couldn’t stand it. he’s quiet and doesn’t like doing or saying things unless he absolutely has to, is generally unhelpful unless something benefits him, scared of being alone, hates being indoors, runs around barefoot and only eats food from the woods. he’s kinda like an outdoor cat.

nick and marcus jacobs are brothers and general hooligans. nick is the older one (he’s 19) and marcus is 15 and they grew up in barnsley for the first 14 years of marcus’ life until marcus accidentally killed their dad and they left town. which the dad killing subplot is really a lot to get into but basically their dad was the second magician, along with vi’s mom, except the effects of magic on a person can kinda drive a person insane and the others managed to keep it together but he slowly went crazy until he was paranoid and in pain all the time and ended up taking a lot of it out on his sons which ended in him threatening marcus and marcus in an act of self defense unleashing raw magic power he didn’t know he had and accidentally killing him and also taking out all the power in the entire town and causing a minor earthquake. it was a Big Deal. so yeah they buried their dad in the backyard and skipped town. after their dad died all his magic went down to nick so nick has newfound power (marcus btw has never been able to use magic since then and has no idea how he did it) but he also has voices in his head and weird dreams, and with all the voices yelling at him all the time he realizes that the only way to get rid of them is to get rid of the magicians. his dad did some magic bullshit that made him the vessel for the magic once he died but the other magicians didn’t so he doesn’t have to kill anyone besides them and it makes sense bc i say it does shut up. so for like a year they drive around aimlessly, meet with and kill vi’s mom, meet with and kill aidan’s dad (i’ll get to aidan once i’m done here), pick up a hitchhiker depending on which version of the story i’m telling, then go back home where they’re not really welcome anymore but that won’t stop them. nick is cold and mean and. y’know. a murderer, but he also loves marcus greatly and gets attached to people more easily than he would like to admit. he’s sort of closed himself off and resigned himself to killing “for the greater good”, but it’s hard for him, and there’s definitely people he wouldn’t kill. he fully planned to, once he got rid of the magicians, never kill again, and he keeps that promise. marcus is soft spoken and anxiety ridden and a bit of a crybaby and he hates death and doesn’t fully trust nick and doesn’t trust himself either. on the outside he appears bitter and angry constantly.

aidan mulligan is a HOOLIGAN! a whole entire rowdy boy! he’s also the son of the third magician and marcus’ ex(?) boyfriend? more like boyfriend on standby. it’s complicated. there’s nothing special to him, he’s rowdy bc his parents never gave him enough attention so he runs around with people he doesn’t really like and is always getting into trouble. his favorite activities are skipping church and running the local cryptid watch am radio station, which no one listens to and which he used to run with marcus. he misses marcus dearly and keeps waiting for him to come back. he’s loud and talkative and his mood changes drastically but is always on the highest setting. he’s either screaming-and-throwing-things angry or unable to shut up and bouncing all over the place. not to pick favorites but he’s my favorite i really love him. his life moto is “fuck you dad” basically. oh yeah nick killed his dad and stuff and it’s hit him hard but he’s not as torn up by it as he probably should be, which he feels terrible about. his mom lives on the other side of the country and doesn’t currently know his dad is dead, which isn’t really something you’re supposed to keep secret generally but the mulligan family said fuck the rules. he has two brothers, connor and seamus (connor older, seamus younger) and loves both of them though he would never admit it.

simon diederich is the secret special bonus magician!! also i think i gotta talk abt parent backstory for him so,,,, here goes: basically, simon and vi’s mom and marcus and aidan’s dads all stole magic from the forest in a way that doesn’t super make sense but it’s my story i can do what i want. and in the process simon died and they had to leave him behind in the woods, but then since the magic in the forest was weak it couldn’t continue being formless or else it would turn into nothing since so much of it had been damaged by the humans or w/e. so it took simon’s body as a vessel and resurrected him with all his old memories but also 100% more magic power. so he took that power and went back home and has been just straight chillin, unaging, for 30-ish years. he got like. immense wisdom when he was resurrected and is also possessed by a sentient forest so he does what the forest wants which is protect the town and fistfight anyone he doesn’t like. he’s obnoxious and immature and thinks he’s hot shit and loves these trees more than he loves other people probably

bonus character: lila is the ghost who lives in vi’s attic. she’s like 7. i love her

THAT HURT MY FINGERS TO TYPE. I HAD TO MOVE TO GOOGLE DOCS TO DO THIS BC TUMBLR KEPT LAGGING AND MY WORD COUNT IS NEARING 2000 BUT W/E LETS KEEP GOING

next, still in the same universe, are the residents of greywell, washington. greywell is what’s on the other side of those woods no one can cross in barnsley. how does that work? magic obviously. greywell is a lot like barnsley but more sinister, it’s a lot newer so the characters aren’t as fleshed out (with one exception) and there’s really only 3 i actually care abt so this ones gonna be a lot shorter. i’ve thought abt plot but nothing solid so there’s some...stuff but mostly this one will be short

zoe hammond: amateur teen witch who’s also cursed. she has an eye on her left hand which is always watching her and she wants off desperately. u know how i said in some versions of the story nick and marcus pick up a hitchiker? that’s her, going to barnsley bc she knows its magic and hopes someone there will know how to fix her. she respects authority and stays in line for the most part, but she also takes shit from no one. she’ll talk to nearly anyone but doesn’t particularly like anyone in town, also she sells witch shit out of the trunk of her car in the school parking lot

wesley: short rowdy trans boy with absolutely no self control who’s stoned all the time and does crazy things for the adrenaline rush and doesn’t bind safely and falls in love with every boy he meets. he skateboards bc of course he does. he’s always ready to fight and punches ppl a lot but usually ends up losing fights bc he’s tiny. i love him

noa: ok this dude went into the woods one (1) time and now there’s this magic glove stuck on their hand? and a ghost in their phone?? and they’re literally so confused and they’ve never had any friends in their entire life but all of a sudden that weird lesbian witch and her crazy skateboarder friend are talking to them all the time and they died? except they woke back up like nothing had happened even though their head basically blew up? and there’s like faeries and stuff coming after them because they want the glove and they can’t get the stupid thing off their hand and they have no idea what’s going on noa is an absolute nervous wreck who’s really fun to draw and they have no idea what’s happening to them and tbh i don’t rly know what i’m doing either but i’m having a good time

ada: the phone ghost.

last set!! i have them all done already from this thing i did with @dogstoes so i’ll just paste them in but first background:

this is a completely separate world, it’s like this 1910s era fictional city with magic and shit. the magic system is kinda complicated but basically there’s elemental magicians who are heavily tied to religion, they’re believed to be sacred and god sent by p much every organized religion. they do elements, it’s pretty simple. then there’s blood magicians who can basically transmute but they have to use their own blood to do it. anyone can learn to be a blood magician but most ppl don’t want to bc. blood ow. blood magicians are an ABOMINATION AGAINST GOD and there’s a stigma against them in religious communities so they tend to populate big cities and less religious places. there’s also healers who are born like elementals and can’t be trained, they’re isolated from both schools of magic bc unlike elementals they’re not pure (well, depending on which religion you ask) and unlike blood magicians they’re not common. born magicians are born with pure black eyes (irises? the colored part. not just all black) that differentiate them from nonmagic ppl. there’s also super intense mary sue magicians who r rare and born with red eyes (i started this world when i was 13 don’t judge me bitch) and they can shapeshift kinda? but in cool ways, it’s not just shapeshifting they could also make their skin tough or nails pointy or w/e. one of them specifically likes to harden his own blood in weapons it’s kinda metal. anyways here’s the character profiles from the google doc pasted in word for word

Characters (bc i suddenly decided this is Sharin With Rivers material If You Shall Take It):

So basically there's these 2 gangs, run by this woman Lyra Frey and this dude Lucas Sweeney, and they Do Not Like Each Other At All. Neither of them are good bc yknow...gangs….but lyra’s is like...better anyways here's characters

Lyra's dudes:

Emil Finch: 21, any and all pronouns, ace, lyra’s right hand man/ veteran of a bloody civil war (TECHNICALLY a war criminal but yknow…it's whatever). Likes cats and Arya, dislikes cigarettes and being short. Their birth name is Emilee, which they  shortened to their liking when they moved to The Big City, and they used their father's name (Finn O'Malley) to join the war. They're a healer magician but ssshhh don't tell anyone. They used their powers to hurt people when they were in The War and now don't trust themselves, so they stick to traditional medicine thank you very much. (Also knives. They’re a big fan of knives.)

Arya Frey: 21, she/her, Lyra’s adopted daughter and mechanic. She has METAL LEGS and has to walk with a cane so she doesn't go outside much, mostly makes machines and strategizes for her mom. Likes drawing, Emil, making things/taking them apart, dislikes cold weather (it makes her joints hurt), magic, Drunk Emil. She has two cats named vriska and karkat. Everyone is suspicious of these names even though it's like 1910 and an alternate universe and homestuck doesn't exist.

Jaz Anaheim: 18, he/him, big gay disaster, a pickpocket who came to the Big City with his brother when he was 16 to work and send money to his mom, stole from a kingpin, joined a gang, watched his brother die in front of him, and lied to his mom for 2 years about his job and his brothers aliveness while he sent her blood money. He's a humble farm boy, no magic, tall and uncoordinated, basically all he can do is steal and flirt badly and he's very aware. Also where he came from magicians were rare because they were all drafted for the war so when he sees magic he's way too impressed. Likes loud music, people being interested in him, his family (just his mom now :’)), his hometown, dislikes the city, feeling disliked, himself, swimming

Sweeney’s band of assholes:

Elliott Sweeney: 24, he/him, Sweeney’s son and certified dad hater. He's a blood magician which are common and not that impressive but he’s good at what he does bc he did nothing but practice for like 6 years. His dad basically controls him and makes him work for him because he's useful. He resents his dad with every ounce of his being but doesn't have the spine to do anything about it. After accidentally burning down part of their house and killing his mom his dad sent him away to the summer house in the country, where he lived for the past 6 years, obediently doing his dad’s bidding and learning how to control his magic until he got fed up and burned that house down (on purpose this time), making his dad move him back to the family house in the city so that he could keep an eye on him. he’s one of those badass mega magicians who does blood swords and stuff, he’s also spent so much time reading that he knows a lot about magic theory. Quiet, reserved, extremely petty, but shows a sense of humor around his sister. Never really knew Alise growing up so he’s more of a cool uncle than a brother. Likes his sister, learning things, astronomy, dislikes his dad, Emil, doing magic, fighting, feeling trapped

Alise Sweeney: 14, she/her, her dad named her Alise with an S because he's just that much of an asshole. She's a self trained blood magician and good at what she does. She hates her dad almost as much as Elliott does but she's also not a fucking baby about it. Is DEFINITELY planning on killing him at some point. Was raised to make jokes and do crime and her brother said if she does crime she's grounded. Has never been serious about anything ever, and probably has a screw loose. Has killed people. Is basically a tiny fighting machine. Her dad was rough on her growing up. Likes picking fights, Elliott and Atticus, pissing off her dad, causing trouble. Dislikes her dad, people stronger than her, tense situations, being alone

Atticus Grey: 16, he/him, not Sweeney’s son but hates him enough that he probably could be (in case you were noticing a theme here, sweeney is kinda unlikeable). His mom left soon after he was born and his dad ran up a huge debt and ended up working for Sweeney to pay it off, then died in a gang fight before he could get through it. Sweeney, the merciless motherfucker that he is, decided that Atticus would finish paying it off, and snatched him up as soon as he was 13. His dad used to hang out with Emil’s and so they ended up taking care of parentless Atticus (along with (extremely reluctant) Arya. Atticus is really close with Lyra’s entire crew because he's spent so much time around them. He's a fire magician who knows a bit of blood magic but barely uses it, and he's an angsty bitch. Likes Emil, being alone, dislikes everything else.

oh yeah then there’s those bitches in charge:

Lyra Frey is a [REDACTED] year old woman from [REDACTED] who moved to the city while fleeing from [REDACTED]. She was in the civil war briefly, fighting for the [REDACTED] side. Her real name is not Lyra, but is actually [REDACTED]. She loves Arya more than anything else probably. Sees Jaz as an unofficial son, is skeptical of Atticus, likes Emil but doesn’t trust them.

Lucas Sweeney is one of those rich bastards who also does crime on the side. He’s a politician but everyone and their mother knows he’s an absolute crime lord on the side. Has arguably more power than Lyra but has no idea how to use it, plus Alise has already recruited like half his employees into joining her uprising. He’s a selfish man and a terrible dad. No one likes him.

uh yeah that is. all!! this is over 3000 words jesus do asks have a word limit? i sure hope not

[tslyricx]

5. ALL TOO WELL

Let’s continuing with one of the most heartbreaking, saddest and complex of the entire record of RED. This song finds Taylor reminiscing on the memories of a past relationship from start to finish. The track was written by Taylor and Liz Rose, who was also a collaborator in her previous albums.

The song starts the story - telling with:  “I walked through the door with you The air was cold But something ‘bout it felt like home somehow”

Walking through a door can be used as a metaphor to indicate the start of something new like a love story. Taylor compares their relationship to a house, at the beginning it was cold since the two just met, but at the same time she felt at home with him and she knew that it could be the start of something important.

After all these days, we can see that he still has her scarf, which she left at his sister’s house. Despite the ending of their relationship, his memento proves he still cares about her, and the scarf acts as a token of his continued passion: “ And I left my scarf there, at your sister’s house And you’ve still got it  In your drawer, even now” The fact that it’s in the drawer highlights that although she will continue to be a part of him, she isn’t relevant to his life in the same way she used to be. 

In the firt verse, we realize that she fell for him initially because he had a warm, kind feel about him and she was a bit naïve. The two went on road trips together, singing songs and enjoying their time together: “Oh, your sweet disposition And my wide-eyed glaze  We’re singing in the car getting lost upstate Autumn leaves falling dow like pieces into place And I can picture it after all these days” Leaves randomly falling off trees in autumn is a natural part of the season cycle, but the occurrence was so appropriate for the moment that it seemed each leaf was falling artistically in the right place. This also accents on how detailed Taylor’s memory is. Even though she wants to forget about the relationship, she can still visualize all the moments they spend together; even the way the leaves fell on the ground. The phrase “pieces into place” also insinuates coming together. What I mean is that love is like a puzzle put together; as their relationship was growing tighter in that moment.

The pre-chorus describes perfectly how she really felt when the relationship came into an end: “And I know it’s long gone And that magic is not here no more And I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all” She knows that they are not together anymore, but she doesn’t want to accept it. The relationship had such a strong emotional commitment to it that it’s hard to separate herself. While on the surface she acts unaffected by the breakup, it leaves her shaken and sad.

As the song goes on, in the chorus we figure out that this song blurs the line between memory and reality. One of Taylor’s major song-writing tropes is to privilege the past on equal grounds to the present and here she state explicitily that the past is “here” “again.”: “’Cause there we are again on that little town street”

The next line in the chorus, is probably one of the most romatic lines in songwriting history: “You almost ran the red ‘cause you were looking over me” The idea is so simple: her lover was so swooned by her that he nearly killed them. Moreover, the idea of trysting lovers risking it all for their passion is a major theme in literature and song. As an example we have the well-known Shakespeare’s work: “Romeo and Juliet”. Also, this isn’t the first time Taylor has used traffic light metaphors. She also uses it in the 1st and 11th track on the red album. In an interview for Wonderland magazine’s “Outspoken Issue,” Taylor talked about this: “Relationships are like traffic lights. And I just have this theory that I can only exist in a relationship if it’s a green light.”

It continues saying: “Wind in my hair, I was there, I remeber it all too well” The idea of wind in her hair reminisces on times that were carefree and fun. It’s a blur between Taylor’s reality and what she wants to remember the relationship as. Taylor believes it was perfect the whole time; it was almost like living in a dreamed state that she can’t shake the rushes of feelings she gets back as time progresses even after the relationship: she remembers it all too well. Because the feelings were so strong and intense, she can’t just forget it. .

She keeps telling the story really detailed, recalling the good moments of the relationship: “Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-size bed And your mother’s telling stories about you on a tee ball team You tell me about your ast, thinking your futre was me”

When their relationship is finally over she’s trying to think about how she could’ve saved it, but isn’t coming up with anything: “And I know it’s long gone And there was nothing else I could do And I forget about you long enough To forget why I needed to” She makes the decision to move on from her relationship and attempts to forget about it completely. However, it’s the intricate memories detailed throughout the song which make it difficult for her to move on easily, as she remembers the good times of the relationship and clings onto that.

In the second chorus, Taylor exhibits her artistry with carefully picked wording: “’Cause there we are again in the middle of the night We are dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light Down the stairs, I was tgere, I remmber it all too well” The “middle of the night” and subtle “refrigerator light” uses imagery to point to the intimacy of the moment. She paints the picture of a quiet, sweet moment shared between the lovers which beautifully contrasts the more vivid, rushing emotions from the car ride in verse 1.

Afterwards, we realized that Taylor and her lover probably had two different ideas about the way their relationship should’ve proceeded; she wanted a serious and long lasting one while he didn’t want to commit yet and ran away from her, destroying all the good that they built together: “Maybe we got lost in translation Maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece  ‘Til you tore it all up Running scared, I was there, I rember it all too well” Fun fact: Lost in Translation was a 2003 comedy-drama film, considered to be one of the best films of the 2000’s. It revolved around two strangers who form a personal yet short-lived relationship. The reference was likely intentional.

She continues the song, saying: “I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here ‘Cause I remmber it all, all, all too well” Theatrically, when an artist scraps his work, he crumples the piece of paper he’s working on and throws it away. Taylor is essentially portraying herself as her ex’s “rough draft.” Even though she’s scrapped and forgotten, she still remembers everything as she has all of his “work” written on her. A key theme in this song is change. Take a clean sheet of paper, and crumple it up. No matter what you do to that crumpled up piece of paper, you can’t make that sheet into the clean, pure piece of paper that it originally was. Her relationship with him was so strong, that once they broke up, she was forever changed.

When they broke up, though, Taylor sadly lost her ability to enjoy a successful independence: “I’d like to be my old self again But I’m still trying to find it”. “After plaid shirt days and night when you made me tour own Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone” “Made me your own” in contrast to “walk home alone” are also important pieces here. The former seems to refer to an intense closeness between him and Taylor; likely both sexual and emotional in nature.

In the last lines of the bridge, she mentions again the scarf she was reffering earlier in the song: “But you keep my old scarf from that very first week ‘Cause it remainds you of innocence and it smells like me You can’t get rid of it, ‘cause you remember it all too well”

It means so much to him that, even after he’s returned all her other items, he’s kept the scarf. Again, the scarf symbolizes his longing and passion for the relationship. Taylor isn’t the only one hurting. There’s an element of nostalgia that goes beyond his relationship with Taylor, too. He misses the innocence of that time in his life, when even a kiss was exciting, before he got older and the kinds of things he did with Taylor became routine with other girls. She mentions specifically that it’s from “that very first week,” when their romance, and romance in general, was still fresh and new to them. In a way, the scarf is a symbol of his relationship with Taylor, and his relationship with Taylor is a symbol of his lost innocence.

To sum up, with the last three lines, Taylor recalls all the important moments she talked about in the song. She’s positive that he remembers these special times. The one difference? he may not have realized how special their love affair was, but she sure did. She knows their relationship is over, but she won’t forget it easily: “Wind in my hair, you were there, you rember it all Down the stair, you were there, you remmber it all It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well”.

Co-writer Liz Rose said to Rolling Stone Magazine: “When we wrote the song, I hadn’t heard from her in awhile. She hadn’t really been writing. I was in Nashville one day, slowly moving the last bits of junk out of my garage so I could move to Dallas. […] I was in my driveway and my phone rings, and it’s Taylor saying, ‘Man, I’ve got this thing and I really need you to help me with it. Can you write today? What are you doing today?’ [I later] drove over to Taylor’s. It was the first song she wrote for that record, I think. She had a story and she wanted to say something specific. She had a lot of information. I just let her go. She already had a melody and she started singing some words, and I started writing things down, saying, ‘Ok, let’s use this, let’s use that.’ She mentioned a plaid shirt, and I wrote that down in a corner, and when we got to the end, I said, ‘Let’s put the plaid shirt in there.’ That turned into one of the best lines. […] It was the most emotional, in-depth song we’ve ever written.”

Also, Taylor said: “All Too Well” was difficult to write emotionally because it took me a really long time to filter through everything I wanted to put in the song without it being a 10 minute song, which you can’t put on an album. I wanted a story that could work in the form of a song and I called my co-writer Liz Rose and said, ‘Come over, we’ve gotta filter this down,’ and it took me a really long time to get it.”

Favorite lyrics: All the freaking song.

 Album: Red released on October 22, 2012.

 Witten by: Taylor Swift and Liz Rose. 

 Hidden message: Maple latte. 

 Picture: Taylor performing “all too well” live in the RED tour in 2013.

[dreamystuffers-archive]

Voicemail(s) - Min Yoongi

Summary: Where you and Yoongi have a messy breakup where you can’t contact him but you miss him nonetheless.

↳ alternatively: where you’re both a mess and you know not to call him but keep drafting voicemails

Genre: Angst | post break up au

Length: 1.8k

Pairing: reader x exboyfriend!yoongi

Warnings: mentions of mental health issues and mild emotional abuse, swearing

A/N: I kinda went through some stuff so as opposed to my indirect [bleep] you to my ex, this is a slightly more direct [bleep] you to my ex.

Unsent Voicemail #1 (03/11/18/23:44)

“Hey, Yoonie. It’s me... I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you in awhile. I know you need time to heal and stuff but I really miss you and I hope you’re doing well. I love you. I hope you still remember that...”

- delete - 

Unsent Voicemail #2 (03/15/18/00:08)

“Maybe I shouldn’t have written something directed to you and posted it where you could see it because now you’ve replied and I’m distraught and I know you’ve talked to Joon about it and I’m so sorry... I shouldn’t have written that just because Chim went to sleep and I couldn’t text him... I’m sorry but I still can’t talk to you. It’ll only hurt you more... But know that I’m doing alright. Don’t worry about the crying... I’m sorry to tell you that I cried more when we were together than apart. I’m glad you’re getting help and that you’re doing well. Can I be honest with you? I wish I didn’t have to ask that because even in the silence of my room I remember how you would get mad at me for not telling you things and get mad at me when I did tell you things. I understand that you’re hurting but I never understood why you had to hurt me... I’m scared we’ll slip into that again. I don’t want to fear you. I want to love you and be loved back and I don’t want us to hurt each other because I’ve seen how eomma and appa talk to each other. I’ve watched both my halmeonis practically lose the light in their eyes because of my halabeojis. I don’t want that for me or for you. No matter who we end up with. If us together ends in that, I don’t want us to be together. For now, I want the both of us to keep healing on our own. One day it’ll all get better and I’m glad it’s starting today but I can’t go back to you knowing that we could fall back into the same routine like we did every other time. Time to myself is helping and I hope your time with yourself helps you too. I love you.”

- delete -

Unsent Voicemail #3 (03/18/18/22:08)

“Okay, you know what? Fuck you Min Yoongi. No way should I be worried about returning to school just because of you. I hate you. I hate that you make me feel this way and I hate that I give you the power to make me feel this way. I hate that I’m too passive to tell you to fuck off in fear of what you might do to yourself and I hate that no matter how much I blame you for my lack of success, you were always right with your stinging words of how I would never be successful because of my own faults. I have time and I can’t even use it and I keep thinking going back to school will swing me back to who I was before but I can’t even do that because I’m scared for what the future brings because I know it’ll bring you. So do me a favour and stay the fuck away from me Min Yoongi because tomorrow will be stressful enough and I don’t need you stressing me out more than I’ve stressed myself out.”

- delete -

Unsent Voicemail #4 (03/25/18/24:48)

“I’ve been able to go without calling you for 7 days. I should get an award for that. I can’t help but look at all these posts on social media about relationships but I can’t imagine your arms around me without crying. Not because I miss you, but because you were so horrible to me I don’t know how to remember what we had happily. Now I just wonder what happened to us. We were so happy. What changed Yoonie? Where did we go wrong? Where in the countless kisses did your smile start to fade and when did you think so horribly of me. You once looked at me like I put all the stars in the sky and then it turned into a look of exhaustion. You try to sneak glances at me in class when you think I’m not looking but it hurts. You made me feel beautiful and then you made me feel worthless and no matter what, I know I don’t deserve that. If you really loved me, you would’ve never hurt me. That’s not what love is. I hope I find it someday and I hope you do too.”

- delete -

Unsent Voicemail #5 (03/31/18/18:45)

“Okay, I know you care about me and I drink a lot of coffee but like just because people are saying coffee can give you cancer does not mean you should text me. I was out with Tae taking pictures at the park and you haven’t tried anything for awhile so imagine my surprise when I open up my phone and see a message from you. And of course, me being incapable of handling anything by myself, I immediately text Jimin to tell him. I considered blocking you. I did at one point but I undid it because I don’t want to hurt you. I just hope you know that you hurt me. You hurt me so much and you can never undo that and I wish the best for you but please, stay the fuck away from me because neither of us need the false hope that we can provide for each other and I don’t want to relapse and fall back into your arms because I am worth something and I don’t deserve to be controlled. I deserve to make my own decisions, to get to wear what I want, to go out with my friends, to eat what I want. I deserve to be able to be myself without being shamed for it. Especially not by the person who’s supposed to care the most.”

- delete - 

Unsent Voicemail #6 (04/05/18/23:50)

“It’s almost my birthday Yoon. I want to say I can’t imagine spending it without you but I actually promised myself to get away from you before it passed. That’s kind of harsh but being with you seemed even worse. Even though I might cry because of the pain now, I have so much more time to myself. I can smile without you, it just hurts a bit... But no matter how much this hurts, know that you hurt me so much more. I tried so hard to change... Despite that, I hope you’re doing okay. I suspect you’re not taking this too well. You seem to be doing okay, but I also noticed that some of the boys have changed their behaviour towards me. It really hurts to know that you might have said something about me to them because I only told those closest to me because I know they would still be civil around you. Chim is. So is Joon. It just hurts to know that you’ve practically turned them against me is all... We kind of spoke today. During rehearsals when Kook was between us. He really has no clue what’s going on. It kind of sucks that you integrated into my life so well. I feel like you’re slowly tearing some of my friends away from me. There are some people I can’t tell so they’ll bring you up and it takes everything in me not to just scream. It hurts a bit. Everyone associates me with you and I hate it. I just hope we’ll both grow from this. I don’t know anymore. I hate feeling weak like this. Just trust that we’ll both be okay. The only good thing that’s come out of this is that I think I’m becoming a better person for myself and those around me. You never liked this part of me and I love it and it really hurt that this was the part of me you wanted to change. Sleep well Yoonie. Stop watching videos late at night. I heard you talking to Kook about that. Night.”

- delete -

Unsent Voicemail #7 (04/07/18/8:52)

"I woke up this morning and started crying. I remember when it first started, I couldn't exactly pinpoint the reason why, I just knew it had something to do with you. I've figured out why now. Yoonie, you pressured me into doing so many things I was so uncomfortable with. I can't think of good memories with you without thinking of an equally bad or worse counterpart. I remember how you'd tell me we'd be forever and that you couldn't wait to spend forever with me, but whenever I think of that, I think of how we used to be happy. How we used to give each other kisses and all the love we had. How you used to look at me like I was the light of your life.... And then I remember how you told me I wasn't good enough. You told me I had to change and I remember I basically forgot how to be happy. I forgot how to smile. All the happiness I felt felt superficial and it was almost never with you anymore. You ruined me Yoonie. I wish you the best no matter what, but I really wish it didn't go this way. I wish I still had the you that would give me the most breathtaking smiles and didn't ask for me to be someone else. I wish you'd loved me for me."

- delete -

Unsent Voicemail #8 (04/17/18/20:22)

“I think I’m finally okay without you. I always knew I would be. I’m stronger than you thought I was. If only you’d realized how strong I am, you might’ve treated me with the respect I deserve instead of stepping on me and trying to get me to be the girl you wanted me to be. I talked to Jin the other day cause he didn’t know about everything. He made me laugh and told me everything was okay. He told me that if you bothered me he’d make sure you’d have hell to pay and that really helped me a bit. Talking to people made me feel confident enough to finally block you. Even though Joon kept telling me not to because he feared for your well being, Hobi reminded me that it really shouldn’t be your feelings over mine, especially when just opening up the phone to a message from you makes me so anxious. I wish you the best Min Yoongi. Just know that I won’t be around for you and I don’t really want to. Maybe we’ll meet again in the future as different people. Maybe we worked out in another life and I got what I deserved and you did too. But not this life. Goodbye Yoongi. I loved you more than you’d know.”

[creideamhgradochas]

Thanks to the lovely @whostheblondegirlwriting for taking the time to answer these! Get to know more about lovely E, go give her a follow and then show her some love!

These questions are from this list. You should check it out, there’s 50 questions all together and they’d be great to ask your favorite fic writer!

*Disclaimer from E, herself: If you’re looking for some sage-like writery advice...keep lookin’. You won’t find it here. This whole fic writing endeavor is an adventure in “[shrugs] We’ll see what happens”. Behold! An odyssey of half-assed, one line inspo. Marvel at the absolute appalling lack of plotting and vision. Tremble at the underwhelming realization that “Huh. I could do better than that”. In short, at least you don’t pay money for this, right?

1) How old were you when you first starting writing fan-fiction?

I have no idea, honestly. I signed up for AO3 to actually share it though in September 2015 when I was 36. So we’ll go with that.

2) Do you prefer writing OC’s or reader inserts? Explain your answer.

I think I have done more reader inserts than OC, counting all the tumblr oneshots. But you can actually create something substantial with an OC. An OC makes you work. I prefer them.

3) What is your favorite genre to write for?

I don’t know if I’ve done enough variety to have a fav, honestly.

4) If you had to delete one of your stories and never speak of it again, which would it be and why?

I wouldn’t. They’re all mine and I’m proud of each of them, no matter how popular (or maybe I should say, unpopular) they are/were.

5) When is your preferred time to write?

Whenever I have the time! I’m not picky, because time is very hard to come by with my job anymore and the fact that my husband doesn’t know I write. Morning, noon, or night for me. It can be hard to sneak it in and still get everything else done.

6) Where do you take your inspiration from?

I don’t have a good answer for this and I’m laughing to myself thinking I should have one. Lol An idea comes up and I write it. That’s it. Shameful, I know.

7) In your Back to One series, what’s your favorite scene that you wrote?

Oh, damn. Uhhh...I think I liked Sebastian fumbling through his confession to Lily in Montauk. But I also probably had the most fun with the “champagne incident” because it was for my tumblr-lifemate,  @ceebeetumbles.

8) Have you ever amended a story due to criticisms you’ve received after posting it?

Nope. It is what it is. You can’t please everyone and I don’t try. As long as I like it, it’s good enough. It’s not like anyone’s paying me for this, anyway. Lol

9) Who is your favorite character to write for? Why?

Hmm. Right now, I’d have to say Jack Rollins, because he preoccupies so much of my writing lately. Besides his own fic, he’s also featuring in an AU for Echo that’s in draft. Considering he had two lines in Winter Soldier, I’m very proud of the interest and love my Jack gets.

10) Who is your least favorite character to write for? Why?

Chris Evans, for right now. Only because he has been less than inspirational for some time due to his relative inactivity and, uh, [ahem] some personal choices he made. But I’m optimistic he’ll come back.

11) How did you come up with the title for the Back to One series?

The main character, Lily, goes through some personal and professional ups and downs as an actress. The phrase “back to one” is a direction for actors to go back to their first mark, so I thought it was fitting, as Lily would hopefully get things right, find her best self again, and have a fresh start as she meets different situations and opportunities in her story.

12) How did you come up with the idea for the Back to One series?

I thought I’d write a Sebastian Stan fic and figured a good match for him (and someone to help drive the story) would be an actress. But then I considered an OC like Lily could have more angles to write and it became really an OC fic that features Sebastian Stan. Oops.

13) Do you have any abandoned WIP’s? What made you abandon them?

I haven’t ever abandoned a fic. I refuse to give up on A Touch Up and do write a line or two here and there, just nowhere near the volume I need to publish a full chapter like I used to. It ended up on the shelf because Chris Evans got so boring after Civil War premiered and the fic is literally built on what he was doing in his everyday life. I also have a personal distaste for Jenny Slate and I guess you could say his decision to date her made me doubt the version of him I’d created in ATU, which is a problem when your fic is paired so purposefully around the assumptions I/we all had made by that time about him.

14) Are there any stories that you’ve written that you’d really love to do a sequel to?

I’m doing it. Echo was my pet project and, though it has my smallest following for a WIP, I had enough demand/interest for the story to be told from another character’s perspective that Jack Rollins and the STRIKE Series were born. There’ll be some unexpected things along the way in that series that I hope those fans/readers enjoy.

15) Are there any stories that you wished you’d ended differently?

No. I’ve only ended a couple fics (Echo and Kindness). Everything else is still a WIP or open ended series that publishes oneshots every once in awhile. The rest of my work is basically oneshots.

16) Tell me about another writer(s) who you admire? What is it about them that you admire?

Don’t laugh at me when I say I admire anyone who puts their work out there, even if it’s just a paragraph long imagine only on tumblr. It takes a lot of nerve, no matter what level your work is at or how big the scope. I’ve seen some good, bad, and ugly fic floating around, but I see value in it all and love seeing experience/determination help the writer evolve.

We ain’t all Hemingways or Shakespeares. And that’s okay. Some of the best writers don’t have thousands of followers and get hundreds of notes (but deserve them). And some of the behemoths out there aren’t necessarily turning out mind blowing fic, either. It’s a crapshoot and fandom can be fickle (if not downright confusing af).

17) Do you have a story that you look back on and cringe when you reread it?

Not at all. If it posts, I’m happy with it.

18) Do you prefer listening to music when you’re writing or do you need silence?

Either is fine. I probably write more in quiet, though, because my husband works 3rd shift, so I’m mindful not to disturb him.

19) Have you ever cried whilst writing a story?

No. Closest I could say to giving me my own feels was when I wrote The Death of Brock Rumlow (when it existed as part of the original Echo plot).

20) Which part of your Back to One series was the hardest to write?

I’m happy to say I don’t think there’s been a hard part to write for Back To One, or any of my fics. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it!

21) Do you make a general outline for your stories or do you just go with the flow?

Nope. No outlines or plans. I pretty much just sit down and write. If inspiration doesn’t hit, I’ll switch to a different WIP. If I have an idea for a line or scene I might make a note for later (maybe just a few words to point me in the right direction/remind me, or a line or two of dialogue), but once I get to it, I usually just write it out at once.

22) What is something you wished you’d known before you started posting fan-fiction?

How little time I’d have down the road for it. Maybe I wouldn’t have run such long WIPs/fics at a time. It feels like it’s been 100 years since I had time to open requests and I had to abandon a weekly posting schedule for 3 WIPs earlier this year because I just don’t have the time to manage the volume I used to anymore.

23) Do you have a story that you feel doesn’t get as much love as you’d like?

OMG yes! Echo and its companion fic, Jack Rollins (and I’ll probably say the same for the au/the STRIKE series). At this point, I can confidently say the following for Echo didn’t carry over to Jack Rollins, but I knew both were niche fics in the beginning anyway. I’m grateful for the attention Echo got, but it was such a labor of love, I’d have liked to see it do better. I may only have several regular readers for Jack Rollins commenting or reblogging, but those few readers and myself are the ones I wrote it for, and that I’ll keep posting it for until it’s finished, regardless of how tiny the readership because I love it.  

24) In contrast to 23 is there a story which gets lots of love which you kinda eye roll at?

Not in an “oh, geez. Not that again” way. More like a “oh, stop. I can’t believe you guys like it that much” kind of humbled eye roll.

25) Are any of your characters based on real people?

Obviously the celebrities like Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan, technically yeah. I have no doubt that some of my own ticks, experiences, etc have made it into a character or plot, or things from people I know or have come across. Things you don’t necessarily draw lines between on purpose but maybe catch on to later, sure.

26) What’s the biggest compliment you’ve gotten?

Any of the comments or messages from people who say they cried, laughed out loud in public, got way too giddy, or held their breath because of something I wrote.  They make me so happy, just to see someone got so lost or involved in a moment means I did a good job. Having someone say they reread a fic (or are reading for the X time) is a hell of a compliment, too.

27) What’s the harshest criticism you’ve gotten?

It was about A touch Up and how I had given the reader insert character, or implied, too much description (ex. noting that POC don’t blush as often as this girl did, when I wrote it as that feeling in the cheeks anyone can experience to convey her nervousness/embarrassment/etc at those points in the story so people maybe shared that sense as they read, not that she frequently ran around with a noticeable flush) and that, although I may not have said it outright, things like that apparently had made her so that she was obviously white. That ruined it for the commenter, despite there not actually being that much said about appearance in the story.

28) Do you share your story ideas with anyone else or do you keep them close to your chest?

Rarely. @ceebeetumbles gets a snippet of a chapter thrown at her once in a very blue moon, if I want to be sure something isn’t too cliché or generally awful. Lol But there’s a chance she’s reading along with the fic, so I may not send the whole chapter. I don’t plot per se or collaborate with anyone though.

29) Do people know you write fan-fiction?

Just the lovely people who’ve visited me on Tumblr or AO3.

30) What’s you favorite minor character you’ve written?

It’s a toss up between Frank Grillo’s appearance in A Touch Up and Jack Rollins or Eric Mickelson in Echo. I’m also a little fond of Drew Madison in Back To One.

31) What spurs you on during the writing process?

That I told you I’d post an update to a WIP, promised a drabble, or set a deadline that a request would be done by. So, really just my self-imposed “schedule”.

32) What’s your favorite trope to write?

I don’t really have one.

33) Can you remember the first fic you read? What was it about?

Nnnope. Lol

34) If you could write only angst, fluff or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why?

It’s a toss up between angst and fluff. They both come pretty easily. Honestly, smut is exhausting to write and I do so little of it because I don’t want it to be repetitive. Fluff is always fun. But, man...the possibilities with angst are pretty limitless, so maybe I’d lean a little more that way.

[thatbluegibson]

CH 23

“You literally live two houses away?” Liz asked, dropping her helmet on the seat of the sidecar.

“Yep,” Dave replied, watching the garage door close behind them. “And Taylor lives three houses down. We like to wave to each other from our decks.”

“Bunch of goddamn dorks,” Liz said just loud enough for him to hear.

Dave just smiled and held the door to the house for her. She tried to appear impassive, but every bit of her was on edge. Finding herself in a hallway, she watched Dave close the door behind them and walk right past her into the dark. A moment later, the room was flooded by several bright overhead lights causing Liz to shut her eyes tight.

“Shit, sorry,” she heard Dave mutter and the sound of light switches being flipped.

She opened one eye to see Dave standing in a starkly bare kitchen, his hand still adjusting a dimmer switch. Looking around, she was surprised at how normal the house was. The hallway she was in opened into a small front entry that led to the kitchen and dining room. Beyond the dining room and on the other side of the hallway wall was a living room with a couch, a stack of half empty boxes and a single acoustic guitar leaning against the wall. A staircase to the upstairs was directly across the entry way from the hallway Liz was in.

“It’s a little depressing,” Dave admitted, looking around. “I haven’t had time to find anything more permanent since I lived between a fucking airplane and bus all last year.”

Liz remained in the hallway, not sure what to say. She had just gone through all this herself, uprooting, relocating, readjusting… it all fucking sucked. She tried to imagine what she would want him to say if she had brought him over to her little farmhouse when it was empty and sad, then remembered it was just her that was empty and sad. Before she realized what she was doing, she ran up to Dave and wrapped her arms around his waist with such force that he staggered backwards into the counter behind him. She leaned her head into his chest and sighed.

Dave looked down at the top of Liz’s head, momentarily stunned by her embrace. He slowly draped his arms around her shoulders and rested his chin on her head. They stood like that for awhile before Liz took a breath.

“At least you have a dishwasher,” she muttered.

Dave lifted his head and looked over at the stainless steel appliance next to them.

“You don’t have a dishwasher?” he asked, bewildered.

Liz shook her head against her chest. “I’d have to knock out an entire bank of cabinets and I’d rather not do that in the dead of winter.”

“Do you live on a fucking commune?” he asked. Who didn’t have a dishwasher?

He felt her laugh a little. “I live on a farm, dummy!” she looked up at him, but didn’t release her hold on his waist.

Dave’s eyes went wide for a second. “I’m just now realizing that I know very little to nothing about you, Liz.”

“All right,” Liz said, pulling away from him and leaning against the island across from him. “What do you want to know?”

Everything, he thought. “Start with this Farmer Liz business.”

She shrugged. “I bought a little farm north of my hometown. The schools are good, the neighbors are far away and the tractor came free.”

“Do you like, grow shit?” Dave was not prepared for this conversation, at all.

“No, the neighbors ‘grow shit’,” she laughed, “They have cattle and chickens.”

“Do you have chickens?” Dave leaned forward, for some inexplicable reason he was excited about the prospect of Liz owning chickens.

“A few! Just for the eggs and the bug control. I haven’t had to butcher one yet,” she explained as if it were a normal thing in the San Fernando Valley.

Dave made a face at the mention of butchering, but went on. “So you grow, what? Crops?”

Liz nodded, enjoying every look on his face. “Mostly alfalfa, but I have fruit trees, a good size vegetable patch and a greenhouse.”

Dave narrowed his eyes at her, “What’s in the greenhouse, Liz?”

“Weed,” she said simply.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” he said, his voice almost a whisper.

“I’m a licensed state producer!” her voice sounded a little defensive.

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Dave said, stepping closer to her.

Liz just shook her head, now worried about his reaction.

He took a deep breath, “First I find out that you’re related to my bass player, then I find out that you’ve had some mystery plastic surgery, which I’m working up to so don’t think you’ll be skirting around that, Elizabeth,” she smiled as he poked her shoulder with his finger, “and then you decide to just drop the fucking nuclear bomb that you’re a goddamn weed farmer?”

Liz smiled at the incredulous look on his face. “It’s good weed, too,” she said quietly.

Dave threw his hands in the air, “I bet it fucking is!” he cried.

“You wanna hear about the brewery or should we leave that one for another day?” she laughed.

“For fuck’s sake,” Dave shook his head. “We’ll get back to that one in a bit. I have a mental list I’m trying to get through here.”

“Okay,” she said, pulling herself onto the island she was leaning on. She felt instantly more at ease at his eye level. “Let’s go.”

“Plastic surgery,” he pointed at her, “Go.”

“Boobs. I was 25 and it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. Next.”

Dave hesitated a moment, his mouth hanging open, trying to register what she just said. “They don’t look fake,” he said, glancing down at her white shirt.

“Not all boob jobs are triple D’s, dude,” she replied, looking down her own shirt.

“I’d like to come back to that one, but let’s move on” he said slowly. “What the fuck does your dad do to know DeGrasse Tyson?”

“Budget manager for a science foundation. He allocates federal funds into the proper ch-,” she stopped short when Dave interrupted her.

“Okay, that’s too complicated for me right now. Any tattoos? Felonies?”

“Yes and no. Next.”

“No, not next,” he waved a finger in her face and moved the one step closer so he was touching her legs. “Tattoo showdown. Now. Let’s go.”

Liz felt herself panic a little, then shoved her wrist towards him. Dave grabbed her forearm and ran his thumb over the delicate black feather on her wrist he had noticed the night he met her. She gently pushed him back a step and slid off the counter. Pulling up her shirt, she turned a bit so he could see Paul’s handwritten ‘Blackbird, fly’ lyric on her side just below her black bra strap. She felt a chill up her spine when he placed his hand on her rib cage and dragged his thumb over the ink.

“What, are you checking to make sure they don’t wipe off?” she quipped, trying to steady her breathing.

He ignored her question and traced the tattoo again, “Are they all Beatles related?”

She shook her head and dropped her shirt, but Dave kept his hand on her ribs. He slid his free hand under her jaw and pulled her to him. Just as she was about to kiss him, she whispered against his lips.

“I have all the lyrics to Rainbow in the Dark on my lower back.” She watched as his eyes half opened to look at her. “I really love Dio,” she breathed, still pressed against him.

Before she knew what was happening, he had her spun around and bent her over the island. He gripped her right forearm and used his left hand to move her shirt, exposing her tattoo-free lower back. Liz’s breathing faltered when she felt a distantly familiar heat pool between her thighs at his simultaneous aggression and gentleness. She laid her head against the cool counter top and closed her eyes. “You’re pretty aggressive for someone that played with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem,” she muttered. 

“It wasn’t Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, it was The Moopets. And you’re pretty fucking sassy for a Disney princess,” he replied, pulling her back upright.

Liz made a face at the princess reference, “Any other questions for me, Mr. Letterman?”

Dave put both his hands on the island on either side of Liz so his face was inches from hers.

“Tell me your name,” he tried, but Liz only smiled.

“Okay… What gang is Travis in?” he had overheard Nate earlier and didn’t like the sound of any of it.

“It’s not a gang, per say,” she shrugged. “My grandfather and his brother started a motorcycle club after the war and it turned into a… thing.”

“Hell’s Angels?” he felt a little nervous at the prospect of Liz being involved in something like that.

She laughed, “Fuck no. Just a bunch of guys that love bikes. They race and have chapters, but have no business other than charity stuff.”

“So your entire security team is a bunch of dudes with motorcycles.”

“Out of six, three of them are ex-military. Travis was a SEAL,” she said quietly.

Dave made a mental note to look all this up later. “Are you in this… what?… club?”

“Nope. No girls allowed,” she shrugged. “One of the original rules, ‘No dope, no dukes and no dames.”

“The fuck is a duke?”

“I was told it meant rich men that avoided the draft, but I think it evolved into meaning Ducati, since only allied-made bikes are allowed in.”

Dave stayed quiet, absorbing all the new information.

“Pops, my mom’s dad, taught me how to ride on a dirt track when I was six,” Liz said, her voice almost a whisper. “I crashed hard when I was nine, totally fucking up my side and Pops freaked out. He wrote my sister and me into the books and now every member, whether they know us or not, makes an oath to look after us. … which we hated,” she laughed a little, “Try going on a date when five massive Harley owners in leather vests are sitting in the next booth.”

Dave looked over her shoulder to his front door, “They aren’t here now, are they?” he feigned worry.

“No, Travis and I have a… comfortable agreement,” she laughed softly.

He searched her face for a moment. “Who was that kid next to you in Nate’s photo?” he asked quietly before immediately regretting it.

Liz’s eyes dilated before looking straight to the floor. She crossed her arms in front of herself and her breathing sped up.

“Whoa,” Dave stepped back, moving his hands to hold her upper arms. “We’ll skip that one, okay?”

Liz nodded quickly and shook her head. “Sorry,” she breathed, desperately fighting off a looming panic attack. She took a few deep breaths, her eyes still on the tile floor in front of her, then looked back up. Her green eyes were wide and a little afraid, Dave made a mental note to ask Nate who that kid was and what he did to cause a complete 180 in Liz.

“Better,” she forced a smile.

“We okay?” he asked, watching her eyes slowly return to normal.

She closed the space between them, put her arms around his shoulders and kissed him.

“Yeah,” she said. “Yeah, we’re good.”

[holdenmgrudges]

Chapter 9 - Apologsies

I’ve finally written another chapter. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the new followers. Thanks for the follow and this is for you.

Or read on AO3 if you prefer.

Sarah woke up with a hangover the day after the party. She recalled David taking her home after Jojo’s parents had kicked everyone out. But more importantly, she remembered kissing Jack. And she remembered seeing David staring at them. And Spot. And Katherine.

Sarah sat up in bed and immediately regretted it. Her head was pounding, urging her to go back to bed. She took some painkillers and drank a bottle of water before doing so. Her parents and David were still in bed. Les was watching cartoons and eating cereal but he didn’t ask any questions. She wished she was still his age, naive enough to not have to worry about kisses and hangovers.

When she woke up again, it was because her mom wanted to know if she was okay. Sleeping in past noon wasn’t normal for any of them. Though her mom might have suspected she had a hangover. She wasn’t particularly quiet when she made Sarah get up.

David was in his room, but his door was open, so everyone knew he was awake. Sarah knocked on the doorframe and he looked at her. His expression was lifeless, which is how she knew he wasn’t happy with her. He looked back at his computer screen without saying anything.

“Dave, I’m sorry.” She walked in and leaned against his wall. “Last night I was being really dumb. That kiss didn’t mean anything and I don’t even remember what I was thinking.” But she could remember why she’d done it. She was just curious and wanted to see what it would feel like. She was even more disappointed in herself now that she knew she hadn’t felt anything. “David, I promise you have nothing to worry about with me and Jack. We were both drunk.”

David was still looking at his computer, but his eyes were fixed to one spot as if he was listening closely to what she was saying.

“Dave, say something. Please.”

After a second, he turned to her with a worried expression on his face. “Do you like him? Like…more than a friend?”

“No, Dave. Just friends. That’s all we are, I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Cross my heart.”

He nodded, but his expression remained the same. He remained silent for a few more seconds before quietly and nervously saying, “I think I do.”

“What?”

“I think I like him.”

“Oh.” It made sense now why he didn’t want her to be with Jack. It made sense why he was part of the LGBTQ+ Club, and why he suddenly had a best friend, and probably why he’d agreed to go to the party. “You think you like him? You don’t know for sure?”

David looked at the open door, as if he was worried someone was going to eavesdrop. Sarah took the hint and closed it. “I just know that I always want to be around him and I want to stare at him all the time and…” He shrugged.

“And…do you want to kiss him?” Sarah asked. David went a little red at the cheeks and shrugged again. Of course he wanted to kiss him. “Maybe you should tell him.”

“No. No, I can’t do that. That would be worse than if you got with him. Because then…Well, he probably doesn’t even like me like that anyway.”

“You’ll never know if you don’t ask, Dave.”

“Is that what you would do?”

“I…I don’t know. If I trusted him enough to call him my best friend, then maybe. But usually guys tell me that they like me first so…You know it’s different with me.” She’d never liked anyone like that before. She’d thought maybe she could with Jack, but after kissing him, and now finding out her brother liked him, she didn’t think she and Jack would work out. But she knew Jack wasn’t her only option.

Sarah and David continued talking for awhile, and he finally told her he forgave her. She left his room and knew the next person she needed to talk to was Spot. She texted him and waited for his response, which didn’t come for several hours. Eventually they made plans to meet at Jacobi’s in the evening.

She got there first and ordered a burger meal. In waiting for him to respond, she’d forgotten to eat, and now she was starving. Spot didn’t get there until she had finished eating. She was dipping the leftover fries in her milkshake, thinking she’d been stood up.

“Sorry I’m late. I was helping my mom clean,” Spot said as he sat down across from her.

“It’s fine.” She was just glad he’d shown up at all. “I’m the one who needs to be sorry. I…shouldn’t have kissed Jack last night.”

Spot shook his head. “It’s fine. It’s not like we’re exclusive or anything. It’s not like we’ve even gone on a date.”

Sarah sighed, wondering if she and Spot were over before they’d even begun. She asked herself again why she’d kissed Jack last night. She could have kissed Spot instead. He was so nice to her and they had clicked more than she ever had with Jack. She wasn’t head over heels for him, but she didn’t feel that way for Jack either.

But maybe she could. In time, maybe she could feel that way for him. Maybe the reason she hadn’t felt anything with Jack the night before was because she hadn’t known him long enough and she didn’t have explicit feelings for him. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Either way, she needed to give this thing with Spot a chance.

She smiled at him and slid her tray of fries over at him. “This could be our date.”

Spot’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Look, I don’t want to stand in the way if you and Jack Kelly have a thing…”

“Jack’s just a friend and that’s all I ever want to be with him. But you…” She shrugged. “I like you, Spot. And if you and I have something here…I’d like to see where it goes. So let’s finish these fries and then…we can play some games. Sound like a good enough date?”

Spot smiled and nodded. They finished the fries and then walked around the place trying out different games and talking like they usually did. As far as a date, it went well. Spot walked Sarah home afterwards, but hesitated before leaving.

Sarah knew what it was. End of first date jitters. She felt it too. She knew what usually happened during first dates. The kiss. Though as far as she was concerned, she’d had enough kisses in the past twenty-four hours. They both looked at each other for a few seconds before blushing and chuckling. “We…don’t have to kiss,” she finally said.

“Alright,” he agreed. “But we should definitely go on another date. We can work up to it. This was fun.”

“It was.” They smiled at each other and then Spot took a step forward, giving her…a hug. She embraced him for a few seconds, relieved it wasn’t a kiss. “See you at school tomorrow,” she said as they parted ways.

But even though she and Spot were fine, she felt a little sick when she thought about going to school the next day. Because the next person she had to be okay with was Katherine. And she thought that somehow that would be the hardest conversation she would have to have so far.

She found Katherine at lunch the next day interviewing students about the cafeteria food. She was going to write a piece in the paper about the effects of unhealthy public school food on the student body. Sarah knew Katherine had been interviewing kids for weeks and so far, she hadn’t even seen a rough draft of it. She figured Katherine was saving it for a really special edition.

Sarah waited until Katherine was done to approach her.

“What is it, Jacobs?” Katherine asked, surprising Sarah, who was coming from behind. “I saw you waiting for me.”

“I just…was wondering if we could talk.” Why was she so more nervous about this than she was talking to Spot? And why did she want Katherine’s forgiveness more than she wanted her brother’s?

“About what?”

“The party the other night. And how…you saw Jack and I kissing.”

Katherine raised a brow and tilted her head slightly.

“I know he’s your ex and…Well, I don’t want you to think me and him…”

“Sarah, I’m gonna stop you right there.” Katherine held up a finger. “Your first mistake was thinking it’s any of my business who Jack Kelly kisses. Your second mistake was thinking I give any…” She turned her hand palm upward. “For lack of a better word…fucks, about who you kiss. So if you can please stop wasting my time–”

“I just want you to know,” Sarah interrupted, “that your friendship matters more to me than…any boy that I kiss.” Katherine remained silent. “Your approval matters to me and…by the way you’ve acted around him, I can tell you don’t like Jack. So obviously he’s not…dating material. For me at least. Because it’s none of my business who Jack Kelly kisses either.”

Katherine seemed to soften up a little at these words. “Just because I can’t stand him…It doesn’t mean…” She scoffed at herself and then took a deep breath. “Okay, Sarah, I get it. You respect my opinions. But they’re my opinions. You’re allowed to have your own. However…I’m glad that you value my friendship in that way. I too enjoy your company and…honestly, whoever you allow to kiss you is lucky in my book.” She looked uncomfortable saying those words, but Sarah could tell she meant them.

“Thank you for being a friend,” she replied, and then laughed to herself. “Traveled down the road and back again.” Katherine looked confused. “Your heart is true…You’re a pal and a confidant?” The editor didn’t seem to get it. “Nevermind. I’ll see you after school, Katherine.”

Sarah walked a few steps before she was called back. “Sarah, wait.” Katherine had that awkward look on her face again. “Would you like to go to a function with me?”

“A function?”

“It’s this stupid event my dad’s making me go to. He’s being honored or something. And he wants me to bring a date.”

“A date?” She’d already gone on one too many dates in the past twenty-four hours.

“He never said it had to be a guy. And it’d be nice to have a friend there. If you say no, I’ll have to ask Bill or Darcy, who are way less better company than you–”

“Yes!”

“Yes?”

“Yes. I’d love to go with you.” It was the easiest decision she’d ever made. She’d been wanting to get to know Katherine better, and while getting secondhand information from Darcy and Bill was nice, getting it from the source would be much more satisfying.

“Okay, great,” Katherine said with a smile. “Let me give you the details then.”

Finally, Sarah felt like the girl was letting her in.

Davey was nowhere to be seen. Jack and Crutchie sat at their usual desks in Miss Medda’s room, each of them eating a burger. Except Jack didn’t feel like eating. His stomach had felt uneasy ever since the party. He’d texted both Davey and Sarah to apologize. The last thing he needed was his crush to think he had a thing for his sister. Sarah had replied telling him everything was fine, but Davey had left him on read.

And now he was missing at lunch. “He’s probably just out sick or something,” Crutchie said, trying to make him feel better. But Jack shook his head; he had heard from Race that Davey had showed up to PE, so he couldn’t be out sick or something. Which meant he was avoiding him.

Of course, Jack’s worry was as to why he was avoiding him. Was it because he wanted to protect his sister? Or was it because he was jealous of her? Jack couldn’t help but visualize a future in which he and Davey were together. He could picture it so clear, he was tempted to draw it for art class. Except, if he was wrong about Davey…

Maybe it was best to stick with the plan and remain friends. Because if Davey only saw him as a friend, it would ruin the friendship, and every lunch from then on would be exactly like the one he was currently having.

“Anyone ever tell you you think about boys too much?” Jack came out of his thoughts to side eye Crutchie. “And girls.” Jack rolled his eyes. “Look, if he’s here, you’ll see him next period. Even if he’s avoiding you, he’s too square to ditch class.”

It was true, which relieved Jack a little bit. Though, there was still that tiny chance that Davey would ditch class. But he couldn’t avoid him forever. He could at least talk to Sarah in his last class about the whole thing.

Jack finished his burger and distracted himself and his obviously bored best friend with talk about ideas for trust exercises. It’s what Davey would have talked about if he’d been there. Crutchie didn’t seem all too distracted, but he played along for Jack’s sake.

After lunch, Crutchie wished him luck and walked to his next class. Jack went to his but stood outside until the last minute. If he went inside and saw that Davey wasn’t there, he knew he wouldn’t be able to concentrate on his next project. He knew he had to come up with a new one since he’d given Katherine his old one.

He opened the door and…there Davey was. Sitting in his usual seat, setting up his artwork on the desk. Jack sighed in relief, but slowly walked to his seat, hoping he wasn’t just having a hallucination. As he sat down, Davey turned to him and smiled like he usually did.

Except it was different. It was as if he was faking it. It was the type of smile he’d known Crutchie to give. It seemed happy, but it was somewhere in the opposite direction. Or maybe Jack was just imagining things.

“Hey, where were you at lunch?” he asked.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I was just helping Katherine out with stuff from the paper.”

Katherine was another one of those people he’d felt he’d disappointed. At least she never wore a fake smile when a smile wasn’t what she was feeling. “Oh, cool. No worries. Just missed you, that’s all.”

Davey didn’t even look up at that, but just gave a quick chortle. It made the smile on Jack’s face falter as he tried to think of something new to talk about.

Throughout the whole class, Davey didn’t talk as much as he usually did. He seemed reserved, almost cold. Every time Jack tried to start a new conversation, it was as if Davey just shut it down. He’d say a few words and then nothing. Jack even tried to make a few jokes and for the first time, Davey didn’t laugh at them. He barely even acknowledged them.

The whole time he just wanted to bring up the subject of the kiss with Sarah, but he couldn’t. He wanted to ask him why he’d never texted back, but he was scared of the answer. He tried to act like everything was normal even though it wasn’t.

Jack tried focusing on his work, but all he could think of was Davey. He kept stealing glances at the taller boy, hoping he’d say something or at least look back at him. Instead, Davey was concentrating hard on his project.

It was a terrible feeling to know that not only your crush, but also one of your best friends, suddenly hated you. Or at least was acting very standoffish. It had happened once before, and it had taken a long time to get over. Jack didn’t want history to repeat itself, but he also didn’t want to push Davey away by saying anything.

After class, Davey smiled again and said goodbye, before quickly leaving to his next class. Jack took his time, trying to process that he was probably losing another friend. He got to his chemistry class and was relieved to see Sarah. She had a genuine smile for him, though it did look awkward.

“Hey there, hot lips,” she said, making him bring his face to his palm in shame, a smile on his face.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

“No, I shouldn’t have.” Jack lowered his hand and saw that Sarah also looked ashamed. “But I did.”

“We did.” She pat the seat next to her for him to sit down, which he did.

“Yes. So…Still friends?”

“Of course. Just friends?”

“Please, Jack. I’m way too out of your league for us to ever be anything more.” She elbowed him lightly in the rib and they both laughed.

The class continued normally, the way Jack wished it had gone the previous period. It was so easy to be around Sarah that he’d almost forgotten about Davey…until she brought him up.

“Hey, how was Dave last period?”

He struggled with what to say. He didn’t want to sound all dramatic, and he knew it wasn’t too bad. He wanted to convey that he seemed off, but instead said, “He hates me.” And tried to laugh it off.

“No, he doesn’t.”

“He does. He totally thinks I’m after you.”

“Ugh, Jack, I’m telling you he doesn’t.”

“He’s playing the big brother role and he doesn’t approve of me, even though I’m not even into you like that.”

“Jack.” Sarah grabbed his face and turned it towards hers, looking him straight in the eyes. Was she going to kiss him again? “He doesn’t hate you. Trust me. It’s the complete opposite.”

“But he was being so weird in class…”

“He’s probably trying to freeze you out so he doesn’t have to think about his own feelings.”

“What feelings?” Feelings? Like…feelings? Friendly feelings? Romantic feelings? Feely feelings?

It was her turn to hesitate. Though she quickly recovered with a sound suggestion. “Talk to him. Like, a real talk. For calling each other best friends, you two don’t communicate well.”

She wasn’t wrong. But it wasn’t an easy task. It was one thing to flirt. It was one thing to draw. It was one thing to talk to Crutchie about his feelings. But to actually talk to Davey? To be vulnerable around him? To let him see his weaknesses and imperfections? That was going to be difficult.

There was a tap at the bedroom window. Jojo didn’t have to look to know who it was. There was only one person who ever tapped on his window anymore. “Hey Race,” he said, as he opened it to let his best friend in.

“Hey,” Race replied. “So you’re in big trouble, huh.”

“How can you tell?”

“You haven’t answered any of your texts. Did you parents take your phone away?”

Jojo picked up his phone to show Race he still had it. “Turned it off. Didn’t feel like talking to anyone.”

“Is that why you weren’t at school today either?”

“I wanted to spend time with my mom and dad but…they were in and out of the house. I don’t think they even noticed I was home.”

“That’s fucked up. Let’s go out.”

Jojo shrugged. “Eh. I don’t really feel like going out.”

“Not even to celebrate? There could be drinks involved…”

A quiet chuckle came out of Jojo as he shook his head. The last thing he needed was to be drinking. The night of the party, after everyone was gone, he couldn’t stop giggling while his parents scolded him. He blamed the alcohol and then laughed even more. “What are we celebrating?”

Race went over to the bed and plopped himself on top, staring at the ceiling with a smile on his face. “Spot kissed me.”

Jojo laughed again, taking a pillow and slamming Race in the face with it. “You dumbass. No, really, what are we celebrating?”

Race snatched the pillow out of Jojo’s hand and hit him right back with it. “No really, Spot Conlon kissed me.”

“Wha?” Jojo was shocked, but he could tell Race wasn’t lying or trying to pull his leg. The only pranks Race tried to pull on Jojo anymore were practical. This was not a joke.

“After the party. I followed him and he kissed me.”

“You followed him? Were you drunk? Was he drunk? Did you put something in his drink?” He knew Race wasn’t the type of person to do that, but he had to ask.

“I mean, I was a little drunk, but I don’t think he was. Well, I think he got drunk on my lips.”

Jojo still didn’t understand, as evident on his face. “So he just kissed you out of nowhere or…what happened?”

“It’s all kind of a blur. We were arguing and then he just pulled me in and we kissed. And it was hot, man. But then…he had to go and be an asshole.”

Jojo raised an eyebrow and bobbed his head forward, questioning Race for more information.

“He almost hit me. And I flinched. And then he ran away.”

“He almost hit you?”

“Yeah, it was like as soon as he realized what he’d done, he was ready to go all…Spot Conlon on me.”

“Well, I mean, you didn’t need to follow him. I’m sure you were being an asshole about it too.”

“Maybe so.” Race sat up and faced Jojo. “But I’m all talk. You know me. He…He scared me. Like, I thought I wasn’t gonna make it home for a second.”

“But he didn’t hit you.”

“No, it’s like he hesitated. Like he realized what he was doing. Like he’d done it before or something. He has done it before though hasn’t he? Beat the shit out of people.”

“I don’t know.”

“But you’d tell me, right?”

“Duh.” Jojo had joined the wrestling team partly because he liked wrestling, but also partly to get to know Spot Conlon and learn if the rumors about him were true. Rumors about how the wrestling team was his gang and how they’d go out and beat people up as a way to practice. But as long as Jojo had been on the team, he hadn’t seen any of that. He figured it was all just talk when he’d heard a false rumor about himself going around. “But remember when people were saying I beat the shit out of Crutchie for talking back to me?”

“Oh yeah. Weren’t you the one that told him he looked like he slept in the street or something?”

“Yeah, something like that.” He’d meant it as a joke. An ice breaker of sorts to talk to a guy he kind of, sort of, maybe had a crush on. He thought it worked because Crutchie then invited him to the LGBTQ+ Club. But they’d been acquaintances at most ever since.

Jojo and Race remained silent as they thought. Jojo about Crutchie, and Race about Spot.

Finally Race spoke. “I think I’m gonna confront him.”

“Who?”

“Spot. I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind. And if he hits me, or threatens to hit me, I’ll just tell him I know he’s gay and that if he keeps being an asshole, I’ll tell everyone.”

Jojo sighed. “That’s fucked up, Race.”

“I wouldn’t actually do it. But he’s probably stupid enough to believe me.”

“That’s still fucked up. Even if he’s gay or bi or whatever, and wasn’t just drunk when he kissed you–”

“He wasn’t. He only had like one beer at the party.”

“Even so,” Jojo continued, “doing that could derail his coming out progress. You could fuck him up even more than he already could be.”

“But he’s Spot Conlon man. He should know he’s influential. If he came out as gay…he’d still be a stud. He’d be like…the gay king of the school. And then he could bang me and I’d be like…”

“The gay queen…”

Race hit him with the pillow again, but then got up and began walking regally back and forth, giving his imaginary audience a cupped wave. “The gay queen. More like the gay side piece.”

“Ooh, can I be the biscuit?”

“Oh honey!” They both giggled and Race glomped Jojo on the bed.

“Look, whatever you decide to do,” Jojo recommended, “tread carefully. He’s my friend too so don’t fuck it up.”

“You got it, Biscuit.” Race hugged Jojo tighter and Jojo reciprocated.

“Alright, you’ve convinced me. Let’s go out and celebrate.”

“Yaaasssss!” Race exclaimed as they both got up. “Are your parents gonna care if you’re gone?”

“They won’t notice. And if they do…well, they won’t care.” It would have been less sad if it wasn’t true. And while Jojo didn’t think getting drunk would be good for him, it was something to do other than staying home and moping around.

The boys climbed out the window Race had come in from. They probably could have gone out the front door, but it was more fun this way. And it helped Jojo imagine what it would be like if his parents actually cared.

[livinbutnotalive]

You

October 15- 2015

I hate how crazy you make me feel. I feel like my feelings aren’t justified. We were never really together so I can’t call you an ex, although you did enough emotional damage to make you important to me. What makes you think it was okay? To seek me out as your next victim? You broke me down and built me up, but you left out a couple pieces. You make me insane. You make me feel like I can’t still be upset about you. It’s been 3 months since we last spoke, but I still remember every moment of us together. Every word, every action, every look shared between you and I. You’re the one thing I seem remember when you’re the only thing I want to forget. Fuck you. Fuck you for making me fall for you and then walking away. You were the first person I allowed myself to really fall for and then you threw me away like a piece of garbage. The worst part of all is that you’re still around. I still see you almost every day and it kills me. I can’t get away from you.

January 31- 2016

It has been 31 days since I saw you last. When you walked in the door of that New Year’s party I lost all the air in my lungs. I couldn’t believe my eyes. There you were, the guy that tormented me for over a year, the guy I unintentionally fell in love with for the first time, the guy who ripped my heart out and tore it to pieces but “we aren’t dating, why do you even care if I slept with her?”. There you were before my very eyes looking as happy as ever. I drank more that night than I care to admit. At midnight you found my side and I knew what you were trying to do. You were trying to trap me again not knowing that I have never been free. Although some guy beat you to me I guess. When I turned to you I could’ve sworn I saw pain in your eyes. But as quickly as it came, it was gone again. I still find myself driving down our roads. The ways you showed me around town are now etched into my brain and I follow them without question. Even now, 31 days later I can hear your voice in my head, feel your lips on mine, and your hands on my body. Even now that I have a boyfriend, someone who is the exact opposite of you. Caring, thoughtful, and kind, I can’t seem to get you off my mind and I hate myself for it. Fuck you for making me love you and trust you and then walking away. Fuck you for leaving this fire in my veins and these tears in my eyes. I can’t even trust anyone anymore and I know that you will never understand the extent of your actions, so I will sit on the floor of my bedroom, finding little comfort in the bottom of a bottle, the vodka tasting nothing like your lips, the cold glass nothing like your warm hands but I’m trying. I am trying to get past this and get over you because that is what I deserve and that is what my new relationship needs. I need to be over this already but I still see the ghost of your smile every time I close my eyes and I still look for your face in a crowded room or listen for your laugh when someone makes a joke. I can still feel your fingers, tracing the curve of my jaw, my hips, my neck. I can’t shake this feeling that I will see you again and I hate you for it. I should be over you by now. But god dammit I can’t get past it. You were the first guy I let myself actually fall for, the first guy I completely put my guard down for, the first guy I let myself love, and you knew it too. You knew exactly what you were doing and exactly how I felt but I guess, to you, that just didn’t matter. I try to let you go and, for awhile I will think it’s over, and then you will come back. Only long enough for me to fall again and then you’re gone again before anyone has the chance to catch me. I tore myself to shreds trying to become the girl you wanted and you walked away. You ruined me for anyone but yourself like that was your goal all along. 

March 6- 2016 

I just can’t fucking believe you! You came back into my life and I fell for it, again. I keep falling for it over and over and I want to break this vicious cycle you have created but I can’t. You ruined my relationship, the one shred of light I had left.

June 5- 2018 Here I am. In a place I never thought I would be- over you. I found someone. Someone who has made me happier than I thought possible. And while I’m still not totally healed, I’m learning. One thing he has taught me, probably without even knowing, is that whatever I thought I felt for you? It wasn’t love. You never loved me and as much as I thought it at the time. I never loved you. I saw you again. At a party a few days ago. And guess what? I didn’t care. I prayed this day would come and it has. I feel like I can finally breathe again, that your breathe is no longer filling my lungs. I think I’m finally happy. Genuinely, truly, and freely happy. Yeah I’ve still got my problems, but with him at my side? They don’t matter. So, I think I’m done here. This was a saved draft for years because I never thought this story would be over. So here I am. Happier than I’ve ever been, free of you, and free to finally be loved by a great man the way you never could have loved me.

[rainraingoingtostay]

(i don’t have any idea how to come up a quirky title, please don’t be disappointed. lol)

I’M BACK! (waves hands frantically*)

  It’s been awhile since i posted an entry on my word-press, i actually have several unpublished works, i was just really busy with my manuscripts, social life and music festivals and concerts, that i tend to forgot to continue what I’ve written so far.

I actually have a draft about some of my travels around SK and i might or might not post my time when I was in Europe just few weeks ago, i have to decide. 😉

Anyway, this entry will be another KPOP (BTS) related entry, because for the past months, I attended several photo exhibitions and I will compile all in just one blog post, so if you’re bored enough, you can finish this with ease, =))).

[Watch-out: BTS just had their comeback! WOOHOO!!! Have you guys bought the cds? How’s the streaming, Armys? So, in relation to our princes’ comeback, I’m going to do another GA (I did one before and this was the blog related to it) AND this entry will help you get a copy of the L,O,V,E cds and other merchandises. SO… sit back and read ahead (i am so excited writing this =))))]

I attended 3 BTS-related events from different fansites (Taekook, Jimin and BTS), as i’ve mentioned, I’m going to describe each in a single entry and the pictures will also be posted (of course), so this might be longer than most of my posts.

The events were not in chronological order, since… to be frank, I forgot the dates but I’ll try my best to describe them as it is.

The first one would be the collaborative works of the Chinese Armys and BTS Noona China, they put up a project for their 4th year anniversary and the event was held in CGV Gangbyeon. Several standees and posters were put up just outside the cinema,

once you go inside, they have the wall covered of BTS’ photos from their YNWA album, it was really impressive. Aside from that, there was a timeline of the boys’ achievement which was so touching.

The fansite masters really did a great job and put their heart and effort just to show the support for our  boys (a standing ovation is a must).

The second one was a JIMIN exhibit, this was organized by Cooing Cooing. The event was small, photos were limited but it didn’t stop Armys to give support for the masternims. I already made a pre-payment, so I receive several photocards, comparing to the site payers.

Once inside, they actually gave out free, yes you read it right, free chocolate muffin and a cup of different lattes, I chose choco because chocolate latte life.

After taking some photos, I bough some phone stickers and Jimin cookies (see above). To the Jimin stans out there, I already ate the cookies, and it was delicious =). We had to leave early because the space weren’t enough, however I had a wonderful time. Some of the photos that I took are:

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Lastly, a Taekook exhibit again, WOOHOO!!! I was held somewhere near in Insadong, and it was organized by First_Moment. Unlike the previous event (as i mentioned), it was smaller but the photos were greatly appreciated because I am such a HARD-STAN of my this OTP! Ultimate OTP!

It was divided between Tae and Jungkook’s photos, there were also some several pictures in which they are together:

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They also sell different merchandises (shown below), but I got there a bit late (around afternoon), so some of the items were already sold-out ㅠㅠ. Anyways, I bought some but I wasn’t able to take the photos so… =(

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Overall, the exhibits showed how much of these fansites prepared for us Armys, to show the captured photos of the boys from different events and this is their way of sharing it with us. I’ll be in the look-out for more photo exhibitions in the near future. Cross-fingers!

So, as I’ve mentioned, I am going to give out some gifts fro everyone who took their time in reading the blog and to everyone who loves the boys.

Items given:

4 (! yes, 4) CDS of HER Album. This means, that there are 4 Armys who will get the L.O.V and E. versions. So, yayyyyyyy!!!

To get these, it’s pretty easy actually and here’s what you have to do:

Answer the questions and send me a personal message on my twitter account. The questions are as follows:

Why do you like/love your bias?

From both WINGS and YWNA albums, what is/are your favorites songs and why?

Where are you from? Or which country are you representing?

So, again, send me a PM on my twitter account: SOMAEKNOONA (I actually have 2 twitter, but i will use this one for the GA event).

Once you will send me a message, I will read and reply your messages when I will have the time, and I will give time for it, but I hope you guys will understand if it’s going to be late since I am a full-time student. I can check your messages during evenings and especially weekends (KST).

I am looking forward to your entries, so send those soon and I’ll be waiting.

This event will be until the end of October, and for the winners, I will post the ones who will get the items on my account.

Lastly, this won’t be my final GA. I have tons of merch and items that I want to share and give (ex. BTS T-Money card, BTS stickers and photo cards and HER Posters), so please watch-out for that.

’til then…

GOOD LUCK Armys.

  BTS’ photo exhibits and events (i don't have any idea how to come up a quirky title, please don't be disappointed. lol)

[junker-town]

Shane Doan, the Coyotes and 7 ways a NHL captaincy should or shouldn’t end

Doan’s exit from Arizona ranks pretty low.

Shane Doan’s career with the Arizona Coyotes is over.

He’s a free agent.

I did not expect to write those two sentences back-to-back. Ever. Not about Doan, a player who’s been around the NHL for two decades now and loyally served one of the league’s perennially bad teams for 14 years. And I certainly didn’t expect to write about awkward goodbyes between Doan and the Coyotes in a public restaurant.

It leaves me thinking about what fans prefer when they know their beloved franchise captains have to leave. Hockey is unique in that sense. The captains are the face of your franchise and can become sports icons or lightning rods. Over the last few years, as the old guard has given way to a new wave of young players, we’ve seen notable captaincies end in different ways.

So I’ve decided to run through the scenarios, listing them from most ideal to least ideal. Note that these aren’t exactly rankings; just a general progression from “great” to “good” to “sure” to “please no.”

Retires as captain

Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Examples: Nicklas Lidstrom (DET), Scott Stevens (NJD), Joe Sakic (COL), Rod Brind’Amour (CAR)

The ideal, right? Longevity gets checked off and so does loyalty as the city’s legendary hockey leader hangs up his skates in the uniform he knows best. No lingering animosities. No “what ifs.” Just a lot of feel-good memories as he takes one final lap around the ice. He’s probably crying. You’re crying. All of us are crying, and our tears form a cresting wave that carry him into hockey heaven.

I guess.

Traded at deadline to contender

Photo by Justin K. Aller/Getty Images

Examples: Brenden Morrow (DAL), Jarome Iginla (CGY), Eric Staal (CAR), Andrew Ladd (WPG)

The next-best thing, I think. If your aging captain is running out of time to win a Stanley Cup, your team is about to hit a reset button anyway and he’s about to hit free agency, might as well ship him off. It’s a win-win situation for everyone. He gets a shot at a Cup with a contender. Your team gets to say they did right by him while also reaping some assets that will help the future. Fans feel good about all of that and get to root for him in the playoffs.

Traded unceremoniously in prime

Christopher Hanewinckel-USA TODAY Sports

Examples: Shea Weber (NSH), Jason Spezza (OTT), Alex Ovechkin (ohmygodisaidit), Dion Phaneuf (TOR), Chris Pronger (STL), Lindros (PHI), Rick Nash (CBJ), Joe Thornton (BOS)

Some of these are more palatable than others. Spezza and Phaneuf weren’t captains long enough to make it a Huge Story™ when they left. (Though ask Senators fans about the return in the Spezza trade and watch them cry.) Weber was a beloved Nashville captain, but he brought back P.K. Subban so that’s a wash. Pronger and Lindros are still legends in those cities.

Nash was a necessary move for a sputtering Blue Jackets franchise. But Thornton still haunts Boston to this day.

At any rate, this isn’t a good way to go. Like excising a wart or something. It’ll hurt for awhile, but the pain should go away.

Traded unceremoniously

Photo by Alex Trautwig/Getty Images

.... Let’s not get into that again.

Leaves in free agency unceremoniously

Examples: David Backes (STL), Zach Parise (NJD), Saku Koivu (MON)

The reasons for this usually vary. Koivu had spent 14 years with the Canadiens. By the time he left it was time to move on anyway. Parise had led the Devils to a Stanley Cup Final recently, yes, but we all know now what kind of direction they were headed in. Holding onto him was a pipe dream that summer anyway, and best for everyone involved.

Backes is a surprising one, if only because he still seems to fit the St. Louis Blues mold so well. We know how that tale ended, too: without Backes there to shield his team from Ken Hitchcock’s coaching style, the Blues faltered this year.

The running theme here, though, is the unceremonious part. Leaving in free agency is a choice that captain and his team have to make. The captain in these situations is just as, if not more, ready to part ways as the team itself. That’s not a great feeling if you’re a fan, and usually a sign of bad times to come for your franchise.

Stripped of captaincy, remains with team

Examples: Vincent Lecavalier (TBL), Mike Modano (DAL), Dustin Brown (LAK), Joe Thornton (SJS)

Usually awkward, but not always. Sometimes, like Modano’s case, you find out the player isn’t captain material and he’s more than happy to relinquish the “C”. Other times, the change is due to clashes with the coach (like Lecavalier and John Tortorella). In both of those cases, the ex-captains remained on the team for a long time with few issues.

The same goes for Joe Thornton. Stripping the captaincy can be uncomfortable, but if the player and the team both want to stay together those wounds usually heal. Especially if the new captain is a good choice, like Joe Pavelski.

The flip-side is Dustin Brown’s case:

stripped of the captaincy

not offered an alternate captaincy

everyone knows they want to get rid of you and your albatross of a contract

exposed to the expansion draft a year later as a city prays you get taken away

But that’s still not as bad as ...

Shane Doan’s case

Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images

Doan captained the Arizona Coyotes for 14 of his 21 seasons in the desert. Three of those 14 seasons included playoff runs of varying lengths. Winning has never been a promise for Doan The Captain, but he stuck through it anyway.

That faith obviously started to fray this year. Here’s what he said when the Coyotes traded Martin Hanzal at the deadline (emphasis mine):

“It’s really hard, obviously, he’s a huge part of our team and someone you get to play with for 10 years. You appreciate and understand how valuable ... you can’t really replace him, and ... the fact that we just continue to seem to go—I don’t know, it’s hard to understand how exactly—I mean, you understand people’s hands are tied. Just don’t get it.”

Any of the aforementioned options were on the table, you’d think, other than stripping the captaincy. Arizona had a chance to trade him to a contender at the deadline with free agency looming, but didn’t. That left two of the options on the table:

Bring him back to play out his career in Arizona, retiring as a franchise player.

Let him leave in free agency unceremoniously.

The Coyotes took the latter path. And boy, was it unceremonious.

First was the news that Doan wouldn’t be protected in the expansion draft. Then came the news yesterday that the Coyotes wouldn’t even offer Doan a contract. Not even a half-hearted one to pretend they tried after decades of loyal service.

Just a motion to the door.

If that doesn’t sound ugly enough, get a load of Doan’s comments to Arizona Sports 98.7 FM (emphasis mine again):

"Yeah I'd say I was surprised," Doan said. "I wasn't expecting it and there is an element of surprise in that. You think it's going one way … and I realized very quickly where the conversation was going and was trying to process it all. … I wasn't shocked that they didn't want me to play again. I understand the direction they are going. I don't completely agree with a lot of the decisions that they've made, but at the same time it needs to be reaffirmed that I'm a player. Sometimes you start to think you are bigger than you are. I'm a player and my job is to play."

...

“I left fairly quickly. I didn't want to say or do anything at the moment that could be detrimental. You don't want to respond with emotion. I'm a competitive and emotional guy and sometimes it gets the better of me. I shook his hand and said thank you and left.”

He struck a nicer tone at the end of that, but it still sounds like a player ready to be done with the Coyotes. And his agent definitely didn’t mince words with what seemed like a shot at Arizona’s futility as a hockey market during Doan’s career.

Shane Doan's agent Terry Bross: "Shane is ready to enter the free-agent market & see where it goes. Time for him to get a shot at the Cup."

— Craig Morgan (@craigsmorgan) June 19, 2017

Vented frustrations in-season. Barely-minced words at the close.

A two decades-long run with a team and its fanbase shouldn’t deteriorate this publicly and acrimoniously. It sucks, and I’ll argue that the end of Doan’s captaincy is the worst possible way for a captaincy to end. Unlike Lidstrom, it doesn’t end intact. Unlike Iginla, it doesn’t end with good intentions from both sides. Unlike St. Louis, it doesn’t end with fireworks that quickly burn out.

Doan’s career in Arizona is ending quietly, bitterly and with a sour taste that will linger for a long time. Not sure Coyotes fans, the franchise or Doan himself deserves that after all they’ve been through.