#i'd forgotten im more than my trauma

[foor-beem]

its my birthday i'll cry if i want to

like, i know why my depression surges around my birthday, but like on a cosmic scale WHY does my depression have to surge around my birthday?? when i was a kid/teen i swore to myself that i'd die before i turned 30, and was so serious about that for years that i went so far as to make a countdown on my google calendar to remind me of how many years i had left the night before my birthday

thankfully im not as set on that as i used to be, but man living like that for the past 15 years has so deeply done a number on me that even tho ive long since deleted that yearly reminder i just fuckin spiral in the weeks sandwiching my birthday

and too just like. ive still got my myriad of problems but i was doing so much better, better than ive been in YEARS. im in love, im surrounded by friends who show that they care about me and for the first time in a long time im actually starting to believe they do. but hee hoo another year around the sun and my fuckin sisyphus ass over here just rolling back into my goddamn pit and ive kinda forgotten how to handle these serious lows

ive always struggled really hard with feeling like a burden, and i know my trauma around the vicious cycle of hiding my suffering to be palatable/suffering more alone/finally breaking and telling someone/being scolded for making everything about me that i lived in for years makes it really difficult for me to make progress, even tho the person who perpetuated that is no longer in my life

as always i dont really know why im talking about this here,, getting shit off my chest i guess. i'd talk to my irl friends about all this but its also one of their birthdays this weekend and i didnt want to ruin the party we had yesterday, nor do i want to make this whole weekend about me and rain on her parade. idk. i know i will feel better in a few weeks but i guess im just kinda disappointed in myself that i keep doing this. i'll be fine

happy birthday to me

[your-dearly-demented]

narc abuse isn’t real, cry about it 👍

nobody’s saying your experiences aren’t valid, what we are saying is that you don’t need to drag down a group of already stigmatized individuals to talk about your experiences.

just call it what it is - emotional abuse - and move on. pwNPD aren’t more likely to abuse someone than anybody else, because abusing someone is a conscious decision that someone has to make. both pwNPD and people without are capable of making that choice

hope this helps 😊

hoo boy I was just gonna delete this but there is a BIG mistake here. abusing someone isn't always a conscious choice. this is not a justification for it, but trauma disorders like NPD are a result of developing specific "defense mechanisms" in order for the traumatized individual to stay safe. for some trauma victims, these defense mechanisms can be anything from unconsciously forcing themselves not to cry, to using the behavior of their abuser to defend themselves, to, surprise surprise, needing control over situations and individuals to feel safe and feeling unsafe and threatened and therefore angry + irritable when that idea is disrupted. trauma victims can have "unsavory" or harmful defense mechanisms, and NPD is an example of such. i myself am willing to admit that im not perfect, that in arguments i've guilt tripped people and put down their issues and only realized I'd been a mirror image of my mother because i learned to use her own words against her to protect myself because it's the only thing she understands.

[ID: A screenshot from a medical paper about defense mechanisms. It begins with a cut off sentence from above. "- disordered brain. The difficulty is that, often, as with hypnosis, defenses like my grandson's denial of danger compromise other facets of cognition. Perhaps Freud's most, original contribution to human psychology was his inductive postulation in 1894 that, unconscious defense mechanisms protect the individual from painful ideas, emotions, and realities. Freud observed that not only could emotion be "dislocated or transposed" from ideas (by the mechanism Freud would later call isolation) but, also that emotion could be "reattached" to other ideas (by displacement) and that the idea accompanying the emotion could be "forgotten" by repression." END ID]

If you're willing to listen to what I have to say, there are numerous other sources on this topic. Here is the source I took the screenshot from.

Please note that it does include mentions of SH throughout if you decide to read.

tl;dr, pwNPD and NPD folk are in fact more likely to abuse someone than others because abusing and manipulating a person isn't always a conscious choice, it can be a defense mechanism from trauma to exhibit harmful behaviors to feel safe, something I've experienced and done myself, and pwNPD and NPD are both trauma disorders.

I've exhibited these harmful defense mechanisms myself, the only thing that I want from NPD folk are things that i already expect from myself. be self-aware of your actions, and give fellow survivors a place to talk about their experiences. I'm not, and never will say that a narcissistic person will "suddenly grow devil horns and have black eyes". That's ridiculous and dehumanizing. I ask that you be self-aware and let people talk without crossing over into their space to invalidate them and their experiences. That is so little to ask.

[biirbi]

Dndads season 2 expectations :3

Frankly I do not really know how tumblr works; just posting this to keep track of it! I just finished season 1 of dungeons and daddies a bit ago and am starting the next one soon! Here are my current thoughts/expectations:

ummummmm honestly I have no clue what's going to happen in S2- I know the premise is the doodler has returned, but besides them trying to defeat it probably, no idea. I'm excited to hopefullyy see some of my favorite s1 characters again (I am pretty much exclusively talking about Erin and Scam)! If willy shows up again im going to leave. forever. he doesn't get to be an antag for two seasons.

AND ALSO IM GONNA BE. VERY UPSET IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO THE STAMPLERS. I know scary isn't a stampler technically but I'll still refer to them all as that. but I care them so hard im gonna be so mad. all in all I just want the stamplers to be ok. and scam and erin. Also speaking of erin I hope vince dies she deserves someone with more dimensions (me)

The kids as dads!:

Honestly, I love all the kids- I cannot see them being that bad of parents (but apparently I'll find out soon!)

Adulthood clearly fucks them up SOMEHOW bc idk how they could be so awful but Sparrow (My favorite kid as of now :3) would probably just be. kinda like henry but I still think different? Like Henry is probably more protective than I imagine sparrow would be; aloof (p.s. I had a different idea of what aloof meant but I can't think of a different word so. oh well just use your imagination LMFAO) though he still is very loving! And does his best to sprinkle in life lessons even if they're not. that great. Like I'd think the worst he could fuck up his kid is not really teach him any particularly valuable life skills

Terry Jr! I love him, I'm very glad he and Ron are doing well as of now. I think he's a great kid that would make a great step-dad, especially considering the fact he knows what it's like to 1: lose his dad and 2: have an emotionally distant step-father. You'd THINK he wouldn't want a kid to also go through that but who knows I guess.

I love Grant too, and I know I've said this for all of them but honestly I have no clue what tf they do to him to possibly get him to be that bad of a dad. He was definitely traumatized by murdering that thing so I get him maybe like being emotionally distant. and like overbearing at the same time. but I wouldn't really call that being a poor parent,,,

Nicky uhhh. He confuses me I don't really know what he's like anymore since he was Glenn's kid. then Jodie's. now kinda both so honestly I've no real idea of what he's gonna be like but I still can't see him being that bad.

AND THAT REMINDS ME if hermie is presumably a grandkid of one of the preexisting s1 characters I can not figure out WHO tf might be the one that fucked him up that bad. I don't really know anything about him but it's soo obvious that he is Not gonna have a Good Time. I don't even know if he's a normal guy (normal hehe) or from the forgotten realms or>?????

Characters I'll probably get attached to

Honestly, as far as I can tell abt hermie (which I'm not really supposed to know about yet but whatever) he does seem like a character I will get attached to. And hopefully not empathize with cause that won't help. He just looks like he's designed to hold SO much trauma.

*slaps roof of hermie*

This baby can hold so much trauma in it.

I don't really have any clue abt him but. I can tell it probably won't go well for him! Also he kinda? ?? looks like an antag but also doesn't? Idk maybe an antag because of a forced hand, or more along the lines of an anti-hero? I've no idea.

Scary! She seems likeable in an. unlikeable edgy way. She's played by Beth so it can't be that hard to like her (Which I recently met someone who DOESN'T like beth!? He just hates to see a funny woman...), plus I'm a sucker for edgy emo characters. She's not actually related to ron but yknow terry's her step-dad and that's close enough.

Honestly I don't particularly take to very chipper and upbeat characters (which I'm just assuming Normal is, I could be wrong), so no clue if I'll like him. I at least probably won't dislike him as long as he's not annoying abt it.

And I have no clue what Taylor's gonna be like so really I can't say anything. He's kinda sorta related to Glenn? kinda????? and I didn't like Glenn very much at first, he did grow on me a little but idk- we'll see

I totally forgot to put lincoln in here. idk ANYTHING about him so uhh we'll see!

ermm I think I had something else to say but I forgot- I'm going to start dedicating the next 10 days while I'm by myself to probably binging all of s2. Uhhhh wish me luck!

[the-sun-system]

WIP Pinned Post/About Us/DNI/Alter Info

☀️ The Sun System ☀️

DNI:

Basic DNI Criteria/supporters of any of that

Minors (No DMs, only sfw public interaction is ok)

Endos/supporters (whilst we don't think forcing people to remember their trauma is helpful, it is impossible to tell who is faking vs who has forgotten or discredited their trauma, therefore this DNI covers all endos/non-traumagenic)

Tulpas (For those who have a right to be involved in the closed practice, please know that this is not a thing against you. I just believe our experiences as systems are so different that I'd prefer to not have you in my trauma spaces if you don't consider yourself traumagenic. For those who don't have a right to be involved in that closed practice, fuck off.)

Anyone who fakeclaims individual systems, regardless of if you are a system or not, and anyone who supports doing so. There is no way for you to know, and it hurts all of us if we allow anyone to fakeclaim. If it bothers you, block and move on in our opinion, and if it's misinfo, you can address that without fakeclaiming. Real systems can post misinfo too, intentionally or unintentionally.

Pro ED or posts sp0/supporters (I get not being ready for recovery, it's just triggering for some of us.)

SH-centric blogs; posting about it sometimes is fine if tw are used on any images involved at least, but if that is your entire blog then plz do not

South Park/American Dad/Family Guy/Big Mouth themed blogs and alters from those sources - not because of issues with problematic introjects or anything, just because these specifically are extremely triggering to us for reasons completely outside of their subject matter and/or humor

About Us (More info in userboxes at the bottom under the cut):

Body is 24 year old and FtM (we use that term for ourselves exclusively because not all of us identify with the words transmasc/man or any variation thereof, but we all can agree the body is transitioning from female to male)

We are a recently professionally diagnosed DID system. Up until then, we were self dx though we thought it was OSDD not DID - so we do very much support researched self-dx and do not judge if you find out you were wrong.

Any post we either made or added to will be marked with thesunsystem tag so we can go back and reread stuff easier (gotta love the amnesia).

As any neurodivergencies and/or developmental disorders are shared throughout a system (since we all use the same brain), we all are autistic and have: ADHD, ASPD, OCD, and PTSD. Certain alters hold more symptoms than others of course, and some struggle more or less with said symptoms. Non-neurological disorders some of us struggle with are MDD, Panic Disorder, and GAD. All of these have been professionally diagnosed throughout our years of mental health professional help.

Alter List:

(Not all of us are currently comfortable sharing our names; these alters will either use a shorthand for their name or emojis to identify themselves)

Host - He/Him, brainmade shapeshifting demon/demonkin

🐈 - He/They, fictive (has integrated, we will hold this for him out of love and respect)

Becca; 📚/🍒 - She/Her preferred, they/them ok, brainmade @im-ur-cherry-bomb

Hilbert; HB/🩻 - He/Him, fictive @404name-not-found

Doug; 🛰 - He/Him, fictive @jettisoned-again

C/☕️ /🚬 - He/Him, fictive @hell-of-a-sunset

Miranda Pryce; 💎 - She/Her, fictive @input-error

Peter/👼 - He/They/It/Celestial Neos/honestly any besides she, brainmade angel @scorched-feather

Jacobi; J/♣️/🧨 - He/Him, fictive @explosion-noises

Note that we use the block button to curate our experience. If we block you, it doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong. We have triggers associated with many pop-culture things, and if an account posts about them too often, we will block for our safety. Of course, we also use the block feature for its traditional purpose. If we block you, kindly do not reach out/interact via a different blog.

[credit: systemuserboxes]

[honeymouthedtales]

by someone less problematic are we talking about Jn? something about him is a lot like dh (not self depreciating or insecure or kinda dumb - sorry not sorry dh). but rather in the sense that he's silly and if jmn so much as turned his way he would be giggling and making a fool of himself. (or maybe i misunderstood how you wanted to portray iotol jn?). but since we're confessing our controversial opinions I'd like to admit that I too, am i jaemwon shipper. Sue me🤷‍♀️. they were very cute before shit popped off. i also got the sense that chaewon is just a little jelly and deals with a bit of invisibility in a family of boys (please don't let me have forgotten some little sister) and her boyfriend (someone that was "supposed" to be for her only) kissed her brother (who's getting all the attention lately if not HAS been getting all the attention from the start.

With love,

an iotol jaemwon shipper

i'm going to publish your other two asks before i reply:

jaepropaganda asked:

naur naur NOUR! because when we actually analyse this situation! we've already established the fact that chwn kinda lived in dh's shadow (if not all the other boys). like you would think being the only girl (my goodness i really hope im not forgetting some little sister) would kinda make her the princess or whatever of the family. But looking back on the first couple of chapters she highkey fades into the background. Yes, we talk about her, and yes dh thinks she could be perfect for mark and kinda would like for mk to be with her (shtewpid boy!!!) if only mark gets to be part of the family (like tf😑) the fact that mk doesn't even see chwn like that and doesn't really regard her other than being the love of his life's little sister very much puts her on the side. for goodness sake mk prolly tutors chwn just to get a glimpse of his best friend (he's so pathetic lmao😭).

[1/2 coz im shy about how long this is getting🫣]

jaepropaganda asked:

[2/2] I kind of get it. her animosity. jmn refusing to stop seeing dh was kind of a slap in the face. idk if this has to do with jmn's dck weighing his brain down too much for him to think things through or just general teenage inadequacy but (and i get that you can't really control your boyfriend like that) (and also yeah, I guess good on him for choosing to leave bla bla choose yourself king🙄) imagine your boyfriend kisses your brother who steals the show (ik very unfair considering dh didn't choose this) and then says "Nah, I don't feel like not seeing him anymore". The insecurity, she already feels really inadequate, and now her boyfriend refuses to give her the reassurance that something like that wouldn't happen again. Coz obvi it wasn't Jaemin's choice. But she's probably thinking about this happening again (even if it would be an accident) and her not getting to be mad about it coz everything's fcked and still live with the feeling she's kinda sharing her boyfriend like she shares the attention in her family (look at me, once again doing a trauma analysis for one of your characters 🧍🏾‍♀️). Idk, I feel we need to apologize to chwn. Her and dh are siblings and yes her treatment of him sucks ass and she should apologize profusely and make amends but damn even her parents think she should get over it, and they prolly contribute to her feelings being misunderstood and overshadowed. When you think about the aftermath of everything she might feel like in the end everyone chose dh's feelings over hers and I'm sorry now I'm emo about it ☹️

You're very right in many of the things you said. chwn has many complicated feelings that stem from the fact that she's no one's priority in the family. Her little brothers are close in age and they're Alphas so they generally bond with each other and also they're younger so she doesn't want to play with them anyway. And also they probably look up to dh more because he's a boy, even if he's an Omega, while she's the stereotypical girl who likes girl things and makeup and boys, you know?

Generally in that family her role should be 'the only girl' and normally the only girl is a little spoiled, but her parents have always paid attention to dh because they didn't want him to think he was lacking something for being a male Omega, which means she was never the center of attention as the only daughter. Plus, dh is like very academically gifted, which she isn't, so he always outstaged her in that field too. So what did she do? She turned to the things that made her stand out from her brothers, as in being pretty and dating boys. Except even in that dh literally stole her thunder because she's a Beta and he's an Omega so even if guys are het they would still be attracted to him on a physical level. This was even before what happened with jmn. chwn has had a crush on mrk and has realized quite early on that she never stood a chance, but what happened with jmn was the last she could stand.

Still, I do believe the way she's behaving is quite wrong. The reason dh is always at the center of attention is that he leaves in a society where he's heavily discriminated and always made feel like he was wrong. His parents tried to overcompensate by supporting him completely, and even then they couldn't totally keep him safe because as you know he still developed a lot of self-esteem issues and internalized shame. Plus, no matter how we look at it, dh is an Omega who will never be able to have children. It might not affect his life too much but it's still a disability and something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life. Is it fair to chwn that she has to suck it up just because her brother was born like this? Nope, but at the end of the day if we put their problems on a scale, is having Donghyuck as a brother really a problem for her? Her parents are not really neglecting her, she's not forbidden from pursuing her passions, she has no less opportunities than any of her brothers to do everything she wants. The reason she's throwing a tantrum is basically because she's not in the spotlight the way she wants, but I'd say it's not that grave of an issue when dh has to deal with both mental and physical health problems, having to take medicines to keep his hormones in control, having a bad reputation because he sleeps around, knowing it'll be hard for him to find a mate since he cannot provide a family, and on top of that his sister slutshames him both in front and at his back. Like, grow up? At this point it's not that people like her brother more because he's an Omega, but because she's childish and a little bit of an attention-grabber, and there's nothing wrong with wanting attention, but it's a problem when you hate other people for supposedly outstaging you.

As for what happened with jmn, that was the best thing he could do. You're right, he could've coddled up to her and assured it wasn't going to happen again, but the fact that she wanted to dictate who he was seeing was wrong. The fact that she pulled a me or him was wrong. Jmn didn't break up with her because he prefers her brother, but because if he had given up on this he would've rewarded a honestly fucked up, controlling, and toxic behavior, and that's no way to be in a relationship. Chwn needs to let go of her insecurity in order to be someone who can be happy and who can make other people happy, but jmn is not her therapist and he should not be the only one shouldering her trauma. He would have, tbh. He would've stayed and he would've helped her, but she was the one who said we do it my way or not at all, and if that's the premise all the love in the world wouldn't make things work, let alone a few months old relationship between teenagers.

[sketchy-scribs-n-doods]

ughh ty for ur amazing tags it was so disgusting how they were 1. telling on themselves claiming poc and fat people aren't attractive and 2. wishing racism and body shaming on an actor in the name of justice(??). not that im surprised anyway their crowd was the one that demonized lucas and ignored caleb for years. one of my favorite characters is patrick and he wasn't allowed even a nightmare sequence he was just forgotten by the narrative and brushed off. a Black victim of abuse not even given a voice, just forcibly suppressed and used to move the plot along to fuel jason's satanic bullshit. he is ignored by the large majority of the fandom that focuses all their attention on white boy of the week but think hating billy is enough to compensate for their favouritism and racism. i hate how poc are treated in this show but its not enough for ppl to just direct all their performative criticism on a character they want actual racist harassment directed at them too. so disgusting.

i don't normally beef on the internet (i much prefer throwing hands irl actually, but ppl seem to enjoy hiding their shit behind a screen lol), but i really did such a hard double take at those tags.

i really can't fathom tearing down another character because your fav gets shit. i fully understand that characters like lucas and argyle don't get a lot of attention and that's likely a combination of a) the duffer's own bias sidelining those characters, and b) fans' bias in ignoring poc. that doesn't mean i'm gonna throw hands with your average eddie or steve stan or whatever, i don't find that productive. i'd rather engage with fans that already enjoy my fav or are open to consuming content about them and encourage (in this long winded example) eddie stans to enjoy argyle content without making them feel guilty about their blorbo.

same goes for every time i see someone thinking that if they kick down billy it will elevate nancy or lucas or max or eddie or steve. it's petty, it doesn't work, and the only things that result from it are a) an echo chambers where all your fellow salty mutuals will yes man you, or b) ppl who like what you just talked shit about are gonna roll up asking what your damage is. lo and behold.

even putting all of the dumb nancy vs billy nonsense aside (and for the record i think the duffers badly wrote both characters in different ways), those fucking tags were just. SUCH an accidental slip reveal of what that person really thinks. i don't think they're a horrible person or whatever but they're definitely a dick and think that as long as they hate the right character they're correct and good.

like you said, wishing bigotry on a person/character just because you don't like them is a weird fucking thing to say. at that point i barely care what the context of the post was. can you imagine saying that out loud in a room full of fat ppl/poc? i don't think any of them are gonna come to the conclusion that you mean it as a roundabouts insult against a popular hot white actor/character and go 'oh yes haha you're so right i totally think fans hating him for being brown/fat is preferable'. i personally would have torn down whoever said that shit to me irl, that's some white ass performative activism i don't have time for, but it seems like ppl don't think about how the shit they say would sound out loud irl to the very ppl they seem to be trying to support

nevermind that any given piece of billy fanfiction and an awful lot of fanart explores the trauma billy has gone through more than it goes 'ah yes blonde boy hot'. we can have tho conversations without being pricks saying shit in bad faith about it. like, most billy fans i see are huge fans of patrick and mourn his lost potential. because we know how the duffers treat their abused characters.

this shit isn't a contest, but often the shit you say about a character affects ppl who are similar to/identity with that character. if in your pursuit to hate and spit about a character, you say shitty things that make poc, fat ppl, abuse victims, etc., feel like you're insulting them or just using them as props for your wokeness, then you need to take a step back and ask yourself if maybe you needa chill and reevaluate what you're doing. it's not a good look, and neither is the mindset that revenge and punitive 'justice' should be prioritized above healing, growth, and connection.

(like c'mon we can redeem fictional war criminals but we can't let an 18 year old being abused by his dad work through his racial biases? like the latter isn't a much more common situation that happens irl to real abused teens with bigoted parents? alright)

anyway, i'm glad you appreciated my tag rambles, i really was just word vomiting in a fury lol

if you love patrick and enjoy the idea of patrick and billy interacting, i have a # patrick mcckinley tag and a # kingr*ve tag for each respectively (i lump all my patrick and billy stuff under their ship whether platonic or romantic bc patrick stuff is scarce enough as it is). cheers!

[baekhvuns]

ON NAUR BESTIE UR SICK??? TC OF YOURSELFFFF

IKR 2 YRS‽‽ Like..we didn't even realise how the time flew. OMG, I'd love to see thru your drafts for sure, ngl ever since u've been gone i haven't been on Tumblr as much, like idk if it's my kpop obsession tht died down or the fact i don't like reading ffs anymore or the fact tht I don't like reading ffs that are not urs 😔😔😔 see ilysm 🤭DW ILL BE HERE TO SEE THE FF WHEN IT DROPS I AINT LEAVING ANYTIME SOON 🗣️

Damnnn that's the first time I've heard of misphonia BUT HE DROPPED THE SECOND PART 🗣️🗣️

Trauma i tell u. Bro broke me. Absolutely to shreds.

Hold up let me find the video (i wld love love loveee to tell u abt the second part but oh. If ur planning to hear it. U gotta suffer truly. That's the beauty of it 🥰)

https://youtu.be/C5Aab2I5lqo?si=BhowFtzVeZiZEhhE

There u go, if tht doesn't work, i hv a feeling it won't, the channel is named Nora Asmr, and u cn find the "tracing tattoos" video.

ANYWAYSSSSS

OMG jannat 😧😧 nah bro I had forgotten all about that, i just unlocked a memory

AAAAA THAT SOUNDS MAJESTIC I'm honestly deprived. DEPRIVED I TELL YOU. I need more old Bollywood movies 😭😭 LIKE PLSSSSSS

Did I hear tauba tauba?

(i hv secretly been trying to learn the step, I look like a struggling horse)

VICKY SLAYYEDDDD i get it Katrina, i get it now 😔🤚 OH AND HERE LET ME DROP THIS EDIT I FOUND FOR THE PAKISTANI DRAMA

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C91sGU3ILWH/?igsh=MWxwOWRudHkwcnFpOA==

It's called kabhi hum kabhi tum 😮‍💨😮‍💨 the concepts are so interesting..

ALSO I GOT A NEW SUITTT

Your girl in her desi era 💅💅✨✨

Okok i shall leave now AND TC!! BUH BYEEEE

hello!!!!

yes i was sick! but i’m way better now but unfort the bug got to many others so everyone around me is sick 😭😭😭

tWO years 😭😭😭 no but like me too my kpop phase had been dying since a while and now im just not into it very much (the songs r just not it anymore) neither do i read fics or even come here (as u can tell bc this ask response is so late 😭😭) I LOVE U FOR THAT NDJDDJCK i get sparks for fics to write but the writing part just turns me off so ive just been watching kdramas rather than listening to kpop 😭 currently watching love next door and i did not know jung hae-in was like that, i was gawking at him every time he comes on screen

IT DID NOT WORK, the video is unbelievable to my region apparently for no reason BUT THANK GOD I WOULD NOT HAVE TO SUFFER ☺️☺️

RIGHT?? jannat’s songs and to be able to play them at home was like playing w the devil, bc u never know when emran would emran hashmi. ITS SUCH A MAJESTIC SONG IKK THE AMT OF FICS IVE THOUGHT BASED ON THAT SONG 😩 im actually obsessed w it, slowed and reverb, fast & regular paced im obsessed

TAUBA TAUBAAA I CANT avoid it anywhere, it played at the wedding i was at and everyone and their mom was trying to do the step but it just looked like a horse galloping 😭😭😭 I GET HER I RLY DO what a duo, a dancing queen and now her partner 😩

THAT VIDEO LINK DOES NOT WORK EITHER WHAT THE HELL 😭😭😭

oo let me see the suIT (priv ask ofc ur wanting to share!) what colour is it??? i love getting suits but i hate the process of choosing them

[keefwho]

May 09 - 2024 Thursday

10:16pm

5/10

Im questioning if it's really a good idea to sit here every night and write for about 30 minutes, thats a lot of time. But I do like being able to go back and see what I was up to years ago. Also if I do this right, it should be a good way to process the things I choose to do.

Last night I had a dream that a european girl met me at a diner and she was WAY into me which was weird but I was enjoying it while it lasted. When I woke up, I wiped down my mirror, sink, and microwave area. I made leftover stew for breakfast.

For work I warmed up with some more torso sketches since the last time didn't go so well. I feel like I made a small breakthrough using circles/ovals to represent every plane of the box I usually use to represent the pelvis and parts of the ribcage. It was a very swift and clear way to show angles and left it loose enough for the box to not show through in the final product. Then I worked on GB's commission for 2 hours. TK offered to call me while she cooked and I agreed, no one was even in chat aside from the lurking commissioner. She was high and made butter noodles with shrimp and garlic. We talked a bit about human connection and how language can actually get in the way of it. We also talked about me travelling because she thinks I'd get along well with people from other cultures but I had to explain my travel trauma. After she left to finish eating, I talked to myself until I was done working. The guy actually did speak up a little bit though.

After work I did my dishes like usual and hopped on to play Minecraft with TK and NJ for about 45 minutes. We just gathered some resources and picked our house locations. I left to go make lunch and I saw that they played for a good while afterwards. Their goal was to beat Minecraft and I imagine they will be way ahead of me if I join next time.

For lunch I made a tuna quesadilla with some mixed vegetables. Halfway through cooking though, my hotplate gave out. Now it won't heat anymore. I was able to finish my quesadilla in the oven but going forward I need to get creative with how I cook since now all I have is a toaster oven and microwave. I think it'll be kinda fun though. I called my dad while cooking since I've forgotten to call him in awhile. I didn't have much to say though, I didn't really want to talk but I didn't want to keep putting this off. I at least had to thank him for getting me my birth certificate and give my condolences for uncle Darrel.

In the afternoon I did today's request and tried to be a little looser with it. I had a lot of trouble with the sketch and coloring took a little bit longer than I wanted. I'm trying to come up with a method that is quick and looks at least kinda good. That means figuring out the nuances that make sketches good which I think takes a lot of skill to be proficient at. I also worked on an idea request of a sonic character. At first I was questioning the feasibility of these requests, it seems I can barely get any done. Then I realized I could favor quantity over quality and use them to experiment too. I think my goal is to finish 1 per week with the 90 minutes I schedule just for this. It'll be practice for drawing fast again.

When I was done for the day I didn't know what to do with myself. I started feeling stressed at how much there was to think about and how I didn't know what to do. I had to go lay down with some noise and stop thinking for just a little bit. After I calmed my brain down, I remembered I can do stuff even with very little energy or mental bandwidth. I went back to my computer and started pondering my social organization a bit. I figured out I can't think of a better system of friend time management than what I have now and I also haven't given the current system a respectable try. I popped into a call with AE and others to play on their Minecraft server, but none of them were playing. I was trying to design a house style out of logs and snow so I can make a bunch to form a snowman village. I came up with something but I might try again another time. Then DS was ready to chill while she sewed her fursuit neck upstairs. I was still playing Minecraft and then switched to KSP to try and design a medium altitude plane without air intake engines. We watched volume 3 of the Monster High webisodes on the side.

While she went to bed, I popped dinner in the oven. We did our puzzles together and I attempted to beat KH2. I got pretty far, up to the very last boss fight I think. But I didn't have time to beat it tonight so I made a save state for it for later.

Today's topic was "presence" and my Costar said to play into my urges. I definitely did that at least once which actually felt nice considering I was following a recommendation to do so. As for the presence part, I forgot to set a real goal for it so I didn't do much other than keep it in mind. I regret not figuring something out. Tomorrow is Values and I've been meaning to do values writing so my goal tomorrow will be that. I should be able to remember.

[mothlegs]

dreamt about basil again. at the dream version of where i grew up. he was in scara cosplay, i complimented his clothes before i realised it was him

he called me on messenger and i just left my mom. she tried to come with but was understanding when i said i didnt want her to. when she was out of earshot i said something about her being cool :)

basil asked me to talk somewhere else, about the street names, i told him i didn't know theml names but i knew the area

i took him through a tunnel to a stairway? it was all concretey and sorta humid, like those places always are

there was a shirtless guy covered in tattoos, i complimented his tattoos and he said thanks, he'd just gotten them removed..? i asked about the tattoos he has then but i dont remember what he said, but i recognised the song lyrics across his chest and said it was cool

basil was... basil, i guess. made me feel the same. wasn't nice. but i had self control, i had control over my tone even though they didn't (knew they'd leave me otherwise, same as before), i behaved. we stopped on a sorta platform on the stairs.

they accused me of spreading rumours? they kept asking me about materials, i mostly said i didn't know, cause i didn't. they asked about my necklaces, i was wearing more than five. i answered about one earlier, and then accused me of spreading rumours because my answer didn't apply to another of my necklaces. something about it being silicone, i think?

i softly and calmly explained how i was only answering for one, and i forget which necklaces im wearing. i held my necklaces in my hand and we talked about it for 5 minutes, and i then pointed out how i'd completely forgotten i was wearing one of them, so i couldn't be expected to answer about all of them

they quietly accepted that. we continued up the stairs, there were two babies and they were theirs. red baby and green baby. i put my things at the top of the stairs to help carry green baby, it was heavy and my body sort of vaguely hurt. i think it was drooling

i didn't know what to do with it, basil was just focused on red baby. i dont know why they were called that, i think they didnt want me to know their names. they had two baby seats, but both were twins. i wondered why not have 2 singles and 1 twin, but i didnt say anything. the seats were red and green, separately

red baby cried. basil seemed tired. i sort of stopped existing, or maybe i was just dissociating

earlier in the dream, before basil, my mom and i were driving. we passed an amusement park. we were discussing trauma

i guess my mom was questioning if she could have did or osdd? mostly i just listened, accidentally interrupted her at one point but told her to go first, and she did

i wanted to ask her about how our grandma raised us, wanted to ask if we were emotionally neglected. i've been wanting to ask irl for a while, i don't remember almost any of my childhood, so i don't know how i was treated.

i was feminine in the dream, not quite myself. confident, not like how i am irl, especially not when i'm feminine

sorta like a girl had replaced me

[little-forget-me-not]

I came back and wanted to eat my mandarin oranges that I bought a few days ago as an attempt to look after myself because I haven’t been eaten fruits or veggies since I was back. I had 5 but when I looked for them, there were only 2 left. My brother took them. The sudden overwhelming wave of fatigue and despair was so much. I just broke down. Ugly, broken weeping in front of my dad and his gf. I was so tired. I knew it was stupid to cry over oranges but I was so, so tired. I was so tired of fearing and having my stuff taken from me, so tired of fearing whether whatever food I bought in the fridge would be stolen. I spent a long time wondering if I should buy the oranges or not because they were expensive. Maybe it’s “only $5″ to most people but I don’t have a lot of money and I deliberate over everything I invest in myself, whether I was worth it or not, whether it’s okay or helpful or good. It was years worth of exhaustion coming out of me.

To my surprise, my dad called my brother and started yelling at him. His gf rubbed my back. I felt stupid but I couldn’t stop sobbing. I texted my mum and she also called my brother to scold him. Then she called me and attempted to comfort me (though it was also emotionally/mentally tiring because she told me about her own problems). The worst of my breakdown had already eased by then. My brother texted me to apologise and returned the money to my bank. At some point my dad came into the room and passed me $6, told me to get more oranges and not to cry. I feel confused and a little ashamed, but also grateful and touched at these gestures of care. I’ve known all of them through only abusive, painful, bitter and negative interactions. I’m so used to being guarded and suspicious of my own family, I don’t know how to feel about them appearing to actually care to some extent. It makes me confused and doubtful of my experiences. But I know everything I have went through was real and valid. I think that’s the struggle of toxic relationships/environments. People shift and change and are always capable of good. But just because they are nice to you sometimes doesn’t mean all the darkness from before isn’t real and the trials you’ve gone through are fake. I hope I remember that. I feel very guilty about admitting to people not having been very good to me. Because I understand that in many ways, everyone’s just doing their best. I still had my mental, emotion

I’ll still have to muster the energy to make myself go and buy more fruits, but it’s comforting to know that they might be accounted for and safe this time.

I think the gravity of my fraying mental health may have reached some of them, maybe. I don’t know what to feel about it. Exposed, vulnerable, weak, wary. But maybe a little relieved not to have to keep it all in. My mum seems more sympathetic and tells me that if Singapore is too much for me, take a break and go back to Finland and somehow find studies or work or something there because my health comes first. Health always comes first. I’ve never heard that before. I’ve always heard studies come first. I’ve never heard of my mental health mattering. 

I hope no one finds me weak or pathetic. I’m so used to bearing everything alone in the quiet dark. I am uncomfortable to be witnessed so broken. It’s not who I am, you know? I am made of love and light, softness and tenderness. I care and feel so, so deeply. I’m devoted, loyal and generous and geunine. I’m thoughtful and conscientious in the way I give. I have garbage humor and I like to be silly and childlike sometimes. I’m romantic and sensuality means a lot to me. I like making the worst analogies and making others cringe at my jokes. I’ve forgotten this but I tended to see the humor in everything, no matter how bleak. I harbor wonder and appreciation for the beauty of the world and I am often deeply touched by the vulnerability and fortitude of humanity. I am a soothing and gentle presence to those who need space to be held for them because I listen wholeheartedly, and when I do it well, people feel safe and comforted. I am brave for continuing to choose vulnerability and risk the pain of close connections and love even though I’ve been hurt so deeply each new time I open my heart to someone new. It takes a lot of courage and strength and I do not give myself enough credit for it. I’ve always been hardworking and striving to better and grow myself. I’ve been through abuse and more and I basically raised myself and survived this long. I’m all these things too. I just feel so fatigued now, so much so I often cannot look beyond my grief and despair. I lose sight of myself. I lose myself. I’m more than the suffering and pain I feel. I’m more than my mental ailments. I’m more than my struggles. I’m more than the ugliness I feel, eating away at my core. I’m deserving of recognising these things. 

I’m grateful for some niceness. I haven’t written regularly in so long. I’d forgotten that it was good for me to vent and write down my thoughts and feelings and work through them. I guess in the past year, I just got sick of writing about how everything hurts and how shameful and unattractive it looked to anyone outside looking in.

[auideas]

hey there !! im having a hard time starting this story so I'd love some prompts. basically character A and B were in a relationship, but A was taken away and brainwashed, and they've only just now been rescued and returned to B. A doesn't remember B and there's just a Lotta tension btwn em

Hey Anon!

This sounds like a very interesting story, wow. Okay, so for the sake of widened applicability, let's look at some prompts that involve all kinds of separation followed by memory loss. That way, you may find some more inspiration that can help pull you out of your plot hole:

“I’ve lived a great life. Not many people can say that, but for me, it’s actually true. I remember my parents, my friends, my amazing job, even that one time I broke my leg -- it’s all in my mind, clear as day. This life was mine, and that’s why having a stranger run up to me on the street and hug me for dear life, crying out a name that wasn’t mine confused the living hell out of me. They claimed I wasn’t me, that I had another life, and that they thought I’d died on the operating table last year when I suffered from brain cancer. The thing is, that never happened to me -- after all, I’ve always had a picture-perfect cybernetic brain, so how could a tumor have grown at all?” AU

Memory is a fickle thing. It can be manipulated through traumatic events, and this is most prevalent when considering cases of torture -- physical, mental, and emotional torture. When Character A was kidnapped, the last thing they expected wasn’t the pain inflicted upon them by their torturer, but having to endure falling in love with them through Stockholm Syndrome. So, when they were given the choice to forget that terrible experience and the love they had for the most manipulative individual they’d ever met, how could they refuse?

“I’ll never tell Character B this, but I lied. I remember them. I remember what happened to me, and I remember who they are...what they are. The reality of who they really were to me was hidden, but finally, I was shown the light. Character C helped me; they proved to me that Character B is nothing but a liar, a crook, and the most malicious type of narcissist, because they don’t even know they are one. I remember them, but I’m pretending I’ve forgotten them in the hopes that maybe -- just maybe -- I can escape their clutches if they realize they have to start from square one.” AU

Working as a biochemist had its perks, especially when you’re permitted to work from home. Character C’s long-time obsession, Character A, was simply in the wrong place at the right time, giving Character C the opportunity to trap them in their basement lab and run experiments on them. Through the manipulation of Character A’s natural body chemistry and pheromones, Character C causes Character A to lose their short-term memory when they aren’t in close contact with Character C. This was purely academic, of course, but that didn’t mean the outcome didn’t have its own special benefits.

“They thought Character A lost their memory due to trauma, citing their kidnapping as a horrific event that no one should be forced to remember. ‘It’s the worst thing that has ever or may ever happen to them,’ specialists said. ‘Let them forget. Don’t force it.’ So, we ignored it. We ignored it for months: forgetting what day it was, where the keys were, how spoiled the milk became -- it was just little things. Then, I called out Character A’s name. They didn’t respond. They just looked up at me with a blank stare. ‘Who?’” AU

“Mushrooms and other members of the mycelium species are fascinating creatures. They have an intrinsic neural network that connects them; you could even say they talk to one another without words. Because of this, they’re almost more empathetic than humans. So, it goes without saying that a connection to the mycelium would be revolutionary in the realm of science, botany, and the future of the human race. My life is a small price to pay, so implanting that experimental organic mycelium in my hippocampus wasn’t even a choice -- it was a necessity.” AU

After Character A is returned by their kidnapper unharmed, Character B is overwhelmingly thrilled. Physically, they seemed absolutely fine, if not a little shaken and confused. The doctors assured them that their memory would return over time, but as soon as they left the hospital, Character A grips Character B’s arm and stares at them with wide eyes: “I’m not Character A. They took them. I’m their twin. Please, help me.” AU

“I missed them so much. Character A was my entire life, so when they disappeared those 10 years ago, I very nearly lost my mind ; actually, it’d be more apt to say I lost my life. My job, my home, my family -- they were completely gone. Instead, I spent years roaming the streets and simply surviving, mourning a future I’d never have. Then, it happened. When I was digging through the dumpster at the department store, I found them. They were alive, my beautiful Character A. I held them close to my chest and wept with happiness. They laid there stiffly, almost as if they were made of plastic, but no matter -- we were together again. We’d live happily. After all, Character A looks like they have a new, permanent smile on their face, like it was painted on by Michelangelo himself.” AU

“Convincing myself to take up the knife was difficult, but isn’t every decision you make for the person you love hard? Character A was against the idea, but I did my research, and I know that this is the only way to get them back. They forgot who they were when that monster kidnapped them, so maybe -- just maybe -- I can get them back if I help them relive the moments where they became lost. This is for them as much as me; this will help them love me again.” AU

Necromancy is an art form, and Character C recognized this fact with a newfound appreciation when they saw Character A that day. This was their lost lover, Character D, but their body seemed to have the wrong soul inside. If anything, Character C would be doing them a favor if they released Character A’s soul from where it clearly didn’t belong. It’s not like anyone would care if they fixed such a glaring cosmic error.

Hope this helps out, and I can't wait to read your fic <3

-- Admin M x

[harrysmaison]

What are your top 3 Larry fics and why

tough questions, i know i have loads but ijm just gonna go with the very first that come in my mind bc i know if i go search it all up my indecisive ass will end up with too many choices

(it did end up with too many choices. there's more than three down there and ofc in no particular order. under the cut bc i rambled too much sorry sam)

1. young and beautiful. i mean i dont really think there's a lot of reasons i need to give for this. still, this was my first ever ao3 fic and i remember just falling in love with larry when i read this. the description, the details, the feels, the angst, OH LORD THE ANGST and the slow burn. probably the slowest burn ive come across. i dont usually openly cry while reading. this was the first fic that made me cry. this fic was the one that introduced me to my interest in dark academia, and i mean, "the moon knows we're in love" finish me.

it also holds a special personal space in his heart bc this fic had been my outle during some of my hard hard times. i think that's enough reason its my favorite. also one of the few fics i've reread more than twice. (i dont reread fics a lot :P)

2. tired tired sea. what can i say about this. although it was too much angst, this fic has been my comfort fic. I find comfort in angst, its a good outlet. for some stupid reason, i was initially avoiding reading this, a reason so stupid i wont even like to talk about this. but in the end i was like fuck it and clicked on the link while my books and exam timetable lay discarded and forgotten beside me. everything about this fic is so so so beautiful. you just get this deep settled feeling of peace reading this, and i loved that. me cried reading this too.

3. these inconvenient fireworks. lets get over the angsty angsty and bring in some absolute genius humor. mixed with - of course - "fucking ouch my heart" angst. honestly i had no idea what i was expecting when i started reading this fic. i only knew about severe pining and humor that made you scream. the infamous car wash scene, until now the best thing i've ever read. it was all fun and games and i was loving it and was like, oh well looks like im not as much of an angst hoe as i thought i can like a fic without some in it too. then the angst dropped and i was like, of fucking course you never leave me alone do you. cant say i cried but i was frustrated beyond words trust me. that was when i learned that in this fic, you dont only scream when it gets hot and funny. so yeah, pure but very very welcome torture this one.

you know the three you can go along with your day dont mind me rambling down here

4. run like the devil. this fic. i'd say this is the most ideal fic of my choice. yes i like gory, dark themed, action and mystery filled heavily painful fics with ooc characters with traumatic past and healing together and you throw in supernatural in it and there you are giving me the most lethal drug i could get addicted to. i read this like a ritual. me cried. me was on the edge of my seat the whole time i read this. me almost smashed my phone against my wall numerous times. me found my spirit animal in the louis of this fic, i yelled at him (mentally) cursed him (mentally) and swathed him in as much affection and love as i could provide (again, mentally. how sad). demons and good demons and bad demons and danger and blood and death and trauma and action and death and mystery and everything EVERYTHING. yes i have no heart, im heartless count me in.

5. say hallelujah, say goodnight. oh lord bless me this fic was something of a different experience. from the prev one you must have realised the theme i usually follow and love from my dearest heart. this fic, once again, had EVERYTHING i search for in a fic. the angst, the death, the action, the friendship, there ROMANCE. angel louis, demon harry, (the irony of that), so many mythical creautres, war, dark magic my oh my. plus a perfect example of "i'll love you for an eternity and more" in the most literal sense possible. plus the flashbacks and details and information the author provided throughout the fic, mixing multiple stories into one. this was just amazing to read. and im defninitely planning to reread it once my exams are over. this and the five above.

thank you for listening to my useless ramble i can go bury myself under my blanket and cry from all the memories. these fics kept me going through quarantine. of course there are so many more, like so many, quite a lot of them i've postponned reading for exam purposes (a lot of classics are yet to be read by me) but these are the first ones that came in mind. you can see the type of fics i like to read if anybody else made it through this and know some other gorgeous fics come ramble at me about them.

[crossroadsandloudmusic]

Hi i heard u are opening matchmaker with Kimetsu no Yaiba so i'd like to try

I choose Hana as my character name

Well as a Leo ISFP,im a clingy person,a bit of dreamy,quite honest but sensitive,i like to to comfort people when they're in trouble,shy when starting a conforsation with strangers but very open with people i know,i can be a bit short-tempered and impulsive too

I dont know drawing is a talent or not but its one of my hobbies,or may be watching some videos,eating and sleeping

Im interested in some movies are often depth along with the issues in society and life,or just some cute and funny cartoons,history(idk thats all i know)

Im a girl,and my sexuality is straight

I have a tan skin,fluffy long hair,average height

I Like Sanemi,i think he's really cool athough hes kinda mean and rough(my friends hate him lol)

I also like Iguro,Gyutaro too

U can match me with anybody in kny ^^

Before we get started I’d like to thank you for the submission, it makes me overjoyed to see so many people have taken an interest in my game! Btw you sound really really cool and it’s really awesome to meet you so, thank you! Without further ado,

Let’s play the Game!

These are the results of the Matchmaker’s assessments:

Gyutaro: Sitting solid at 70%, I believe that you are most compatible with Gyutaro. The start of your relationship with him would be strange at first. He might try to pretend he doesn’t like your or wants nothing to do with you but in reality he’s just fighting back his own desire. He would act like this because he was afraid of your rejection, but after spending time with him and assuring him you did in fact enjoy his company, he would become softer. Soon though, because of your loving actions, he would start becoming cocky (in a cute way, ngl with all your attention and love he felt like a true man). It would be difficult at first convincing him and gaining his trust but once you did, baybee this demon ain’t going nowhere. Be prepared to always, and I mean always have him by your side. You drawing? He’s there. Watching videos? Right next to you. Eating? Sitting across from you. SLEEPING?! Literally cuddled so tight around you, you may have trouble breathing. (If you or a loved one have been smothered to death by an extra clingy demon, than you may be entitled to compensation. Jk. But not really). In all seriousness once Gyutaro realizes that you are for real about loving him he’s never going to let you out of his sight again. He’s very protective but loves you more than anything, he falls hard and it scares him how much he truly adores you. What attracted him to you in the first place was your shyness, he took notice of this and soon found how caring you were. He likes the way your mind works and your thoughts on life. He finds you intellectually stimulating. Finds it adorable when you are daydreaming. His mind is constantly filled with your praises. In conclusion Gyutaro loves you more than life itself and would sacrifice himself for you. Has a hard time with his trauma and insecurities but you always help him through.

Giyuu Tomioka: At 30% I think that Giyuu would be another person you are very compatible with. The two of you share several similarities but Giyuu is a bet more reserved. That is of course if he is around other people, with you, it’s a different story. Giyuu is rigid and a bit hard to take (kinda like a cactus) but when he is with you he’s much more comfortable. In fact you are the only person he is comfortable with. He’d quiet and extremely reserved, except when he is spending time alongside you. In those moments he is much more relaxed, calm, and tranquil. He can loosen his muscles and his mind will go silent while he listens to your words. He doesn’t say much but the longer you are together the more he will open up. It isn’t long before you see him crack a smile. (It was terrifying as he had forgotten how to smile). Nevertheless he did, it was all because you ignited something he never thought would be possible for him. True love. He too would have a difficult time accepting love but when he does it isn’t an obsession, instead undying loyalty. Once he accepted that you loved and he loved you, he knew then he would do any and everything in his power to protect you. Since day one he was willing to die for you. As a result of this, he can’t say no to you. It doesn’t matter what you ask him for or what you ask of him, he instantly does it. (Spoils you rotten, tbh). If you ask for a glass of water he will stop what he is doing and run-not walk-but run to go get you some. He loves very very quietly, isn’t huge on verbal stuff but physical and acts of service he has down. (What did you do to him?). Quite literally loved you with his entire being, would do anything for you. You ask him to climb up to the moon and bring it back for you? He’d start building a latter. He’d either get there or die trying.

Honorable mentions: sanemi shinazugawa

Thank you for playing! I hope you enjoy and if you have any requests of any kind please let me know! Thank you and thank you for the opportunity to write for you!

Thank you for playing!

[yurika-ai]

I've been mistaken

I thought I was on the right path to become someone real.. but turns out I've been mimicking a heroine's way of survival.. which of course wouldn't work on real life.. I fake kindness, I fake smiles hoping it would turn to be real like the real heroine if she was to be real.. but then I failed to hide my thorns..

I see why I was getting fed up of the stereotype of Male Leads with dark past healed by heroines.. I thought It was enviable thing to score someone trustable like a fate.. but it turned out I was referring my self to the Male Leads' dark past.. and my stand was actually to be wanting with someone who would healed me from my trauma..

It was shocking.. I thought I was a strong woman but then I knew I have trauma in a lot of things.. I got scarred a lot.. I got scared a lot.. I even admitted that I'm a coward to people, as I was rationalizing my personality as reasonable..

But it turned out I didn't properly acknowledge my scars, I deliberately keep trying to forget that I've got bleeding scars..

Why am I like this? I thought I was living a normal good life, good salary, even if I do bad at job.. I was proud that I seems to be smartest when the truth is that I was less competent than those I deemed less.. I didn't want to admit, but yes I've turn into a worse person than I ever could be..

I am too smug to the fact that I am literally the most successful child in my family, getting into relatively good state university and dream jobs my bro and sis failed to get into, .. why I do feel worse mentioning this? i thought all of this was my little revenge to my parents who seems to always leave me out and never tried to listen to me.. "see, im better than them, you should regret a lot" .. but it turned the one who regret the most was me..

i forgot my enthusiasm to learn new things.. I forgot how huge my effort was to get my parents approval to do little things that I want to do, when it took my siblings so fucking easy to do those things without screaming and heartbreaking drama like I did.. I've been grooming jealousy for who knows since when..

I thought I have growing up, that I have notice my siblings failure come from bad parenting that I should be proud that at least I fought hard to compromise.. but I'd still feel bad when I remember the past.. I think I might have just forgotten them, and yet I might have just failed to move on..

I resent them, But I can't seems to hate them.. I just want to move on.. for the miserable life that I can't seem to stir as I like because I've forgotten the fact that I was not perfect, and that I'm scarred in many places.. I hurt so many people justifying it as inevitable.. I lost contact of so many friends that I had along the years.. yet I'm getting scared so easily if my parents start hating on me..

My relationship with God who saved me from suicidal thoughts in the past couldn't have been worse.. now it's more like I was just doing it for people to see.. my faith is hollow like the person that I am..

I thought to be better I just need a new role model to mimick, so that's how I begin my little obsession finding a heroine that match with me.. I thought maybe my life's plot could head the same direction if I were to copy their manner.. in which I know it was pointless.. and so stupid.. tho I've been doing it for so many years of my life without me ever realizing this.. not until today..

Who am I? I wish I could see you.. I wish I could healed my self..

I want to tell myself

Stop having mixed feeling, mixed decision.. be decisives..

I want to tell my self

It's okay you don't have to be conscious of what males thought of you.. you're not looking someone to find you anyway.. be okay.. let God do the rest.. remember just be okay..

I want to tell myself

It's okay, you can work it out.. I know you can do whatever you put your mind into.. I know because I'm you.. it's never be impossible.. don't listen what mother taught of you of what normals or not normals.. just listen to your normals.. it's never been a thing because being humble is not about being normal.. you can still be humble and still be awesome.. just remember to put all of you into it while you're at it

I want to tell myself

To stop worrying about useless thing.. make a grand planner and works toward it.. this time without you telling anybody.. it's just us and let's see what we can achieve..

I want to tell myself

Instead of hope, you need goals..

Instead of humans..

You just need you in whatever form you are now..

[suchstarryseas-blog]

I remembered where I'd actually been going with that last post. Nice!

There's always gonna be things I'm not good at that are entirely possible, too. Goddess knows I've tried to learn instruments. Can't ever place my fingers correctly. I've tried learning to cook, Filled a house up with gas, made something out of cheese that looked like it might've been human, once. Im no good at math, or remembering history, Teachers weren't ever really my biggest fans. There are things I'm not good at, though, and there are things I've been trying so hard to be better at. Not even good. Just better. I've been trying to eat a bit better, been walking more, been doing more magic. I've been focusing on healthy weight loss, and trying so damn hard not to fall into so many old habits. I've been trying to go out more, even just relatively alone, tried not to shut down and fence everyone off. Those things are all things I can work on myself, though. Things I can do alone. Some things, though, I don't know how to get better at. I've never been good at talking, for instance. As a kid, I'd get in trouble for things I said, things I didn't say. I remember getting hit a lot. I didn't answer a question? Hit. I didn't answer fast enough? Hit. I didn't answer how they wanted me to? Hit. I didn't answer how they wanted to without seeming like I was lying? Hit. I'd get hit so often for speaking that eventually I just didn't speak. I'd talk to Logan, my brother. I'd talk to my friends. But at home, I would creep around the house in silence, down to the kitchen for water, out to the yard to read, up to my room to stay out of sight. I developed this fear of talking, but it was... And is... More complicated than that. The hitting was one thing. The silence spun into worse and worse situations. No matter what I did, it was always wrong, no matter what I said it was the worst thing to say. But the thing that made it all into how I am today was the things they'd say. "We just want what's best for you." "We wouldn't do this if we didn't care." "We love you. We want you to do better." "We want you to be safe." Over time, it would evolve, and so would I. In the middle, I was conflicted and confused. I'd choke on my words and cry, the room would get darker as panic set in, Spinning, making me feel dizzy and sick and like I was on fire. They'd demand words but my mind would race, and unable to decide what they wanted to hear, I'd drift into this cycle of worry and knowing I had to say something, but never being able to, knowing they were getting angrier. "Why won't you just talk to us?" Silence, crying. Hit. "It's just a simple question." Silence, choking. "I..." "I what?" Silence. Hit. Eventually I found I would be less panicked, that it would all end more quickly, if I didn't even try to think of anything to say. If they didn't ask something I could nod or shake my head in response to, then I wouldn't bother putting in the effort to respond. I was hit often, but the talks became shorter. "Why didn't you do well on this test?" Shrug. "That's not a real fucking answer." I'd stare until they were uncomfortable. They'd talk to fill the silence, and I'd know they did so because they didn't know what else to do. Around then was when I started to be proud, when I turned it into a game. Hit. "Why are you failing this class?" I'd shrug. "Have you been skipping your homework?" Nod. "Why?" Shrug. They started giving me choices, occasionally, as I got older. "Clean the whole house, or grounded for a week?" I'd stay inside for a week, as far as they knew. If I chose cleaning, it'd never be good enough- I'd have to do it over and over until a week had gone, anyway. "Do you want to be grounded, or hit?" They learned to interpret long stares. "Grounded for a month, or hit?" "Hit." Eventually they decided nodding was disrespectful and forbidden. So I didn't speak. Didn't panic. Didn't cry. Snuck out when I could. They started grounding me, reguardless of what I had or hadn't done. Hitting me when they felt I'd done anything at all- left a cup of water in my room, forgotten to take the trash out, flicked my brother and made him angry. Talks became longer again as they struggled to fill the silence. I was studying at the table once when my dad came into the living room. I'd been hit two days before and nobody had talked to me since. "---, we love you. We know something must be going on. Something must have happened. Was it the last time you went to your mom's?" He'd asked. Silence. I'd glanced up at Felix, who was glaring holes into my father's forehead. " You know you can talk to us, right? You know that. If something happened, something you remember, or even something that just didn't feel right..." I turn in my chair, away from my work, and stare at him, silent. "We worry about you. Just know you can talk to us." He'd left, after that. It was one of the few times I'd ever seen him with tears in his eyes, and I wondered a long time how long hed suspected I'd been molested. Felix had laughed, in his bitter sort of way, about how my dad thought it was just something from a long time ago. His family was always so much better than my birth mom's. He had no reason to think otherwise. I considered telling him everything. About Felix, how depression wasnt all that was going on, about the two cousins who molested me when I was young, about the one who still was, every weekend. I thought about it for a couple weeks. I thought about telling him I wanted to go back to therapy again. That I was ready to really talk about things. To try and get better. I was silent for two weeks. Debating. Worrying. Felix was worried, too. That I'd be put on the wrong shit if I talked about him, locked up somewhere, electricity pumped through my brain. "They'll drug you out of your goddamn mind, if you aren't careful." One morning before school, I went into my dad's room in my PJs. Red, soft material pants, tied with torn red ribbon, torn at the bottom from walking on the ends of them all the time. A green day t shirt, faded and worn, a gift from my mom when she'd been ready to get rid of it. It was spring. "Dad?" "No, you can't stay home from school. I already told your brother. Just because mom's at work doesn't mean everyone gets a day off." He'd let us stay home once and a while, then, sometimes we'd work on things around the house together. The room he was in was one of those projects. When Jenna's grandma died, I hadn't been invited to the funeral. He'd let me stay home the whole week she and Logan were gone, and we'd painted every room in the house. My room had been purple berry, full of tiny silver flecks. Logan's was a sky blue. My dad's room was this dark, golden yellow, with one dark red wall. "Can I talk to you about something?" "Sure. Is everything okay?" I'd sat next to him on the bed. I'd always been bad at talking, and when I'd finally decided to talk, to really talk about everything, important things, things I didn't know how to talk about, didn't have a right answer for, couldn't nod or shake my head or shrug or be silent... I didn't tell a single person in the world, aside from Felix, and eventually Kayden, what my dad did. Not until I was eighteen and out of his home, away from him and Jenna. I was in the eighth grade, when he did what he did. Afterwards, I'd gone to my room, grabbed my backpack, and started stuffing clothes in it. I was set on going to Kristen's house. He'd popped his head in, told me I wasn't going anywhere, and left the room again. Id put the bag down. Logan and I stayed home from school that day. And I stayed home the day after. I spent hours in the shower, but couldn't get clean. I wanted to go. I was ready to go anywhere, but I couldn't leave Logan. He was too young. He NEEDED me. Who else would make him snacks every Sunday morning? Would help him turn his toybox into a slide? Jenna started mentioning that I looked dead inside, all the time. Sometimes I'd get so tired, so low, that I'd lose my place in things. I stayed up at night afraid, Felix pacing around my room. Sometimes I'd get too worried and sleep in my closet or under my bed. He came into my room three nights. I started sleeping in classes, sitting out in gym. Sometimes I'd forget where I was, who I was, what was real. Sometimes it was like I was standing next to myself, which makes a lot more sense, now. Felix, when he was there, that year, did everything he could. He was the one who reminded me to eat, to drink. When the disconnect got so bad I started hurting myself to feel like I existed, he was the one who knew how to take care of it all, keep it all clean. He felt like he was leaving soon. If I remember right, it was after July Fourth, that year. He pushed it off as long as he could. He tried so hard to stay. But then he was gone again, and I was there alone, unable to remember him, not sure how I'd learned to take care of myself and alone enough that sometimes I didn't bother. I told nobody else until I'd left the house. I was eighteen. In eighth grade, I'd have been fourteen, or so. Four years of not sleeping at night, of keeping a bell tied to my door, of not being able to have both my ears covered, of waking up to any sort of noise and wondering if I was about to be killed and kept quiet or raped. I moved out, and when my dad had to move in with my uncle, I gave him grocery and gas money so that Logan would have food when he went to visit. I've never been good at talking, not out loud. For a lot of my life, the only person I ever talked to didn't have to hear my physically speak to know what I needed said. The person I went through trauma besides, the person who took care of me and kept me here, never needed real words. For a while, I couldn't do it, even after leaving that house. I would write out messages to friends when important subjects came up, holding the phone up for them to read. In an argument, I'd text the person sitting next to me as they talked. My friends grew used to it, usually. To silence interrupted by bright screens. It's always been easier for me to talk this way, it probably always will be. Typing things out gives me time to reread, rephrase, to make sure I'm not leaving anything out. This whole thing might seem like an excuse, or a tangent, which is ridiculous since I really am writing just for me, tonight, but it's not that. There are things I'm not good at. There are pictures of characters that make me walk faster down crowded sidewalks in midday. There are sentences that can set me off, launching me into gross, unexplained stretches of panicked silence I have no control over. There are tunes that make my eyes go wide, make me pick at my nails until they bleed, make me dizzy and sick and empty all at once. If you tickle me, I'll burst into tears. If you tickle me because something serious happened, or I sound serious and you're trying to cheer me up, I'll want to kill myself. There are things I'm not good at that don't make sense. Things I'm not good at that I could be good at. Things I have every chance to be good at and won't be. But talking has always been the hardest. I'm sorry. I am. I'm sorry for everyone who ever tries to talk to me. I'm sorry for everyone who gets frustrated when I fall into the habit of being quiet and talking through a screen; I was raised to believe that a wrong word or bad response can literally hurt me, and being able to see my words makes me feel more calm. I'm sorry to everyone who I ever nod or shake my head at; I know it's not much of anything at all, but sometimes I don't know what to say and get too afraid to say anything. I'm sorry for the people who deal with my silence; the long stretches of putting off meetings, or conversations, the inability to make words happen, the inability to explain myself. For most of my life, I wasn't given the chance. I still fall into the obsession over choosing my words carefully. Talking isn't something I've ever been good at. It might never be. But it's one of the things I've been trying really, really hard to get better at, at least. And whether there's more than one person who can really see the progress I've made, I'm damn proud of it. Go me.