#i'll learn better words to put to all this but for now it's just. autumn makes it easier to be kind and im not sure why but god | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

septembersghost · 2 years

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Jess reading your post about what happened to you in the last few years I just want to give you a hug because I get so much of it, I am so sorry to hear about your dog I remember you posting about her my heart breaks for your loss. Last December I lost my cat Autumn, I posted about her on here, who I’d had since I was 14 and I don’t know if I will ever be over it or put into words the feeling of loss I still feel every day. Me and my mom ended up living in hotels for three years starting in 2019 and have faced the streets to many night to count which is also when i started dealing with ideation and ending up in the hospital in jan 2020 i’m doing better now but as you said they are like cobwebs. so I just wanted to tell you I know how hard these things are and you still being here is a beautiful thing and I wanted you to know I am so happy and thankful you are. Trauma can be/seem so lonely, i’ve learned, so remembering that i’m not in this boat alone is comforting.

Breanna, my heart goes out to you, i'm so sorry you've suffered such similar circumstances. please remember that i am hugging you from afar all the time. my deepest sympathies about your sweet Autumn. i read a couple of books on grieving pet death, and one of the main focuses was on why that loss is terribly difficult - due to the closeness and intimacy of our relationships and love for our animal companions (because they depend on us and give us an unconditional love we cannot ask for or expect from people, because of the constant presence and pure connections we form with them, and because it's taken a long time societally for the depth of that grief to be recognized as significant, so a lot of people still feel like they aren't "allowed" to mourn or express that too much visibly, no matter how hurt and bereft they may feel, and isolating grief tends to compound it). i know how dear and irreplaceable that love is. I don’t know if I will ever be over it or put into words the feeling of loss I still feel every day. same. time is totally out of whack for me because all my circumstances are so abnormal, but the fact that years have passed legitimately does not make sense...things just sort of crystallize instead.

i'm also so sorry you and your mom went through that extreme fear with your living situation, i hope you're okay and settled now? not knowing if you're going to have a roof over your head is terrifying, it instilled such a constant buzzing panic in me that i'm still not recovered from it, even though at the moment that one circumstance is alleviated. like i continue to feel as though it could all fall apart and we could lose everything at any given moment, idk if i'll ever feel fully safe ever again tbh. additionally, because i'm not self-sufficient and entirely dependent on my mom to survive, i have constant worry for and about her. no one else is able to or willing to take care of me and she's never not worrying about the dire circumstances i'd be in if anything happened to her (and i worry about that too, but i more worry about HER. she has so much weighing on her at all times. i'd be utterly alone and powerless without her, it's just...hard). the two of you shouldn't have had to endure that and i wish i had a way to make it better. :( having to go to the hospital for any reason is so scary too, i'm relieved that you're doing better now, but yeah i find that once the ideation sets in, it's always there to some degree. you keep trying to sweep it away, but it gathers in the dark corners. you are incredible and brave for making it through all of that. even on the days when it doesn't feel that way, i promise you are.

thank you for sharing this and saying this. it's beautiful and shining that you're still here too, and i am SO so grateful that you are, and that you found me again. there is real solace in remembering we're not alone and that other people can understand and will still care about us through it. ily and you deserve the softest things.

#goldhairwithagentlecurl #i relate to all of this so deeply darling 😥💜💜💜#letterbox

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xiaosmoon · 3 years

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pumpkin spice horror

pairings: diluc x gn!reader

warnings/content: fluff

a/n: i love pumpkin spice lattes. sorry it's day late

who knew pumpkin spice could be a mans worst nightmare.

ever since autumn time has swooped mondstadt into a holiday frenzy, business has been booming everywhere. new flowers for flora to sell, new in season fruits for blanche, and even the meat was beginning to have more flavorful garnishing at good hunter.

master diluc wasn't one to compete on a business scale, but seeing everyone thrive with new autumn additions made him realize he was missing something. you had walked into the bar one evening before opening with a drink in hand that smelled so wonderful, diluc's nose was immediately drawn.

"what's in your cup?" diluc questioned. his hands were still cleaning a few glasses, but his eyes were strictly on your beverage. "oh, this?" you held it up for him to get a better look. "pumpkin spice cider! i made it myself, actually. wanna try?"

your lover furrows his eyebrows. pumpkin spice cider? diluc has never heard of such a thing. but the aroma — oh the aroma was just so lovely. "if it was made by you, of course i'll try it." you smile at his words before handing him your cup.

diluc brought it up to his face, taking one last sniff of the drink before taking a small sip. the impact of that small sip overwhelmed diluc in a wonderful way. the taste was sweet, yet perfectly blended with that cider taste. "darling, this is delicious. what did you put in it?" the way his face lit up at the drink made you feel a bit flustered. your boyfriend was a wonderful bartender, so him loving a drink you made was a top tier praise indeed.

"uh, well, i have the recipe at home if you'd like to take a look at it later." you shyly smile. diluc returns your drink and nods. "i would love that."

more below the cut!

you and diluc spent an entire night in the kitchen together, just so diluc could perfect your pumpkin cider recipe. it was you who had suggested that diluc make this a seasonal drink for the angels share.

"are you sure, love? i don't want to make your special drink to be mine." diluc's sincerity was honestly heart warming. you laugh a little before placing a playful pinch on his cheek. "it's just pumpkin cider, diluc. if it makes you feel any better, you can name it after me."

it was a joke, but diluc ended up actually naming the beverage after you. it wasn't even a week after diluc learned the recipe that the drink was hitting the tavern. now available iced or hot, pumpkin cider, with the option of getting it with alcohol. people of all ages were lining up to get their hands on this mysterious drink that was crashing the wine industry.

as the month of october continued on, diluc was realizing just how popular pumpkin spice was. pumpkin spice coffees, pumpkin pies, pumpkin just everywhere.

and honestly, the winery owner was quickly becoming quite sick of pumpkin.

seeing this festive flavor everywhere was tiring. even when he walks out of his winery for some fresh morning air, he's met with his pumpkin patch for the fall. walking back indoors, he's met with the maids preparing pumpkin pie for tonight's feast.

so he sought relief the one place he knew wasn't consumed with pumpkins: you.

you were merely getting ready for your day when diluc had stumbled into your shared bedroom with a look of despair. "'luc, are you alright?" whatever your attention was previously focused on was completely out of mind. your pouty lover made his way to you and simply slouched down next to you, nuzzling his head into your shoulder.

"i am so sick of pumpkins, y/n."

the utter disgust in his tone was enough to make you laugh. "they're just pumpkins dear. what's to be sick of?" you've never seen something bother diluc so much. so pumpkins being his downfall made this situation so much more amusing.

"they're everywhere!" the red head removed his head from your shoulder and threw his arms up in the air. "no matter where i go, pumpkins are the center of it. i mean, what's so great about pumpkins? sure, they can be great in food, but is it really that great?"

it took your entire will not to laugh. you gently place a comforting hand on diluc's shoulder. "well, how about we spend the day inside today? ...we can carve pumpkins."

and that statement had earned you a pillow to the face.

#diluc x reader #diluc x you #diluc x y/n #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin impact fanfic #diluc #diluc ragnivindr x reader #diluc ragnvindr #diluc fanfic #diluc drabble

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croatian-nt · 3 years

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Livi podcast

The guests of the podcasts are Dominik Livaković and Marjan Mrmić(who is goalie coach)

Translation under the cut

Host: Tell me a bit about your season in Dinamo. It was one of, if not the best season ever in Dinamo. What would you say, what happened? How did you guys become so good?

Livi: I guess there are more quality players now. And we worked well together and..yeah. I guess something just clicked

Marjan: He is being humble. Dominik had an excellent season and he knew how to stay calm in stressful situations and that calmed the rest of the team

Livi: *looks at the floor*

Host: was losing against Ferencvaros the turning point? What made you all be that much better after?

Livi: well I suppose it was important. I mean, I think I could almost say it was a good thing we lost so early on, considering the rest of the season

Host: I am not sure director of finances in dinamo agrees

Livi, laughing: well no, probably not but I think we brought it enough money later on

Host: you defended a penalty against Cluj. Well two actually. Was that harder to do or was watching Suba defending penalties during WC?

Livi: oh wow *laughs * that's-I mean you can't compare those two things. Completely different feelings. But I suppose there wasn't that much pressure put on me during those penalities because I didn't know they would be the last. But Suba is probably one of the best goalies Croatia ever had, if not the best. So I really don't think that's comparable

Host: Alright, first card break. You need to choose between two things

Marjan: Nutmerg or dribble?

Livi: what?

Host: *repeats it *

Livi: *loading * oh! Nutmeg. *laughs * especially when it's Vida

Host: did that happen?

Domo: *yelling from the background * (I think he said "he didn't say that!" But it's not clear) *

Livi: *laughs * Anyway, next question

Marjan: Meat or fish?

Livi: Hmm. Meat

Marjan: Pizza or hamburger?

Livi: Pizza. Especially after a winning game

Host: how did you start with your goalie career? Since most guys want to score a goal

Livi: well, I can't quite remember. I was attacker one day and goalie the next. I like the way goalies threw themselves to catch a ball I guess

Host: are all goalies this calm? Or are you and Marjan exceptions?

Livi: I mean, there are some goalies that are crazy *laughs, shakes his head * but I am more of a calm type. Works better for me. Although there is that saying 'you are a goalie? You must be crazy' so you know

Host: Second card break. It's who in the national team...?

Marjan: who takes the longest to get read in the nt?

Livi: oh, Vida

Marjan: Who runs the fastest?

Livi: Vida

Host: Vida, again?

Livi: *shrugs, laughing *

Livi: who has the most precise shoot?

Marjan: right now? Oršić

Host: Livi, would you agree as his teammate?

Livi: well yes, of course he is very good. But Vida is also very good, especially recently, he scored a lot

Marjan: who has the best hairstyle?

Livi: * laughs, covers his mouth*

Host: yeah, you can use Vida again here

Livi: yeah, yeah... Vida has the best hair

Livi: who has the best sense of humor?

Marjan: Vida

*all laugh, Domo yelling again from the background *

Host: so your first, well second game, against England, what do you remember from it? Were you nervous?

Livi: yes, of course. When I read the list of names of their players...I certainly felt nervous. It has been...what? 5 years since then?

Host: 3, 4 years actually. Autumn in 2018?

Livi: Really?

Host: who are players who you find most fun? The ones whose company you liked the most during WC?

*Livi, looking at Vida and laughing *

Host: EXCEPT for Vida

Livi: Then, there were also Šime, Dejan and Broz

Host: except for not missing being on a bench, do you miss Suba in nt?

Livi, smiling: yes, I miss him. I miss him a lot. We have been on a coffee the other day, actually

Host: what would you say, how did you improve as a goalie? But please don't give me a generic answer like, experience

Livi: experience *laughs * I am kidding, I am kidding. But I have been working on playing with my foot a lot. That's what I concentrate on the most and I think I improved. Other goalie stuff well...you learn in every training

Host: okay, new set of cards, but with one new rule. Who would you choose from nt but WITHOUT Domagoj Vida

Marjan: who would you choose as a singer in a band

Livi, laughing: who else am I supposed to choose? Who else?

Host: alright, alright. I'll give you that one

Marjan: who would you let babysit your kid for a few hours?

*Livi, laughing*

Host: no. No you can't

Livi: hmmm. Then I suppose either Kale or Vrsaljko. They have a lot of experience

Livi: who would you let choose your outfit

Marjan: hmmm. Dominik

Marjan: who would you choose as a co-driver on rallying?

Livi: oh, Šime for sure. When he presses accelator...he doesn't stop

Host: so tell me, do you plan to stay in Dinamo forever? Or did you have some plans for future clubs?

Livi: I don't think much ahead. Everytime I do, it doesn't exactly end up that way. We'll see. I feel good in Dinamo right now. We have amazing results and I feel like home. Zadar is close, too

Host: Well then. Don't forget about out deal. If you sign up for Barcelona you have to go to every nt conference for the rest of your career

Livi: *laughs awkardly *

Host: I hope it still counts. I mean Ter Stengen isn't bad but I am holding onto your word about that

Livi: alright

Host: Let's ask something more private. We know you are in a relationship and by recent covid regulations we are allowed to have bigger weddings again so...I am kidding, but in all seriousness did you think about starting a family?

Livi: well yes, of course I have. I mean, all the people I know that have children think of them as biggest blessing. I do want that, at some point

Host: pets?

Livi, smiling again: yes, Cruz

Host: what breed is he?

Livi: pomsky. Do I really need to explain?

Host: ...a bit

Livi: * explains *He is wonderful. I mean he is mine, but...he is really wonderful. He makes you so happy, especially when you come home after being away...it's amazing

Host: Helena used to do ice skating and according to Vida, you are the best dancer on the team. That means your first dance will be amazing

Livi: *laughs * I am not so sure about that. I think I'll need to practice a lot, even more than I did to learn how to defend a goal. But we'll see how that'll go. And I have to say that Vida lied. But maybe he is the best. He dances...really good

Host: he has a good sense for rhythm?

Livi: he rips shirts a lot

Host: New card break. Favorites

Marjan, reading a question from the card: what's your favorite childhood moment?

Host: the one that isn't connected to football

Livi: not connected to fooball. Uff. I am not sure I remember. Hmmm

Host: that far away huh?

Livi: *laughs * yeah. I guess coming back from school and everything being alright(I am guessing he means grades wise)

Host: that moments were so rare huh?

Marjan: Favorite series?

Livi: Game of Thrones

Host: what's your hobbies, except for series? What so you do when you don't play football

Livi: well, I actually like to play basketball. I am from Zadar, after all. I started with basketball first actually, before switching to football

Host: okay, I gotta ask. Why do goalies spit in their gloves?

Livi: well so the ball sticks to them better. So it doesn't fall out of our hands *rubs palms together * so they are...wet. *realizes what he said * but yeah uh. Mostly so you don't drop the ball

Host: do you prefer long or short sleeved jersey? And how do you choose that?

Livi: I like long sleeved one better

Host: except when it's really hot?

Livi: yeah...when it's really hot I choose short sleeved undershit

Host: Anyway, you guys told me not to make this too long considering there is a final of Europe league that you want to watch. Any preferences about who wins?

Livi: No, I think both teams are great. They have different qualities so, we'll see

Marjan: I think Manchester United will win. Longer tradition

Host: Either way, thank you guys for participating in today's podcast. And to everyoone who is watching, I hope you'll watch us tomorrow as well. Goodbye

#dominik livakovic #marjan mrmic #vatreni podcast #croatia nt

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soc-characters-as-songs · 3 years

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OCs as your top 100 2017?

oh boy

ivy: #29 - better love by hozier ("staring in the blackness at some distant star/the thrill of knowing how alone we are, unknown we are/to the wild and to the both of us/I confessed the longing I was dreaming of/some better love, but there's no better love")

meredith: #46 - haunt by bastille ("we'll make our agreements/about when to meet/and I'll leave you in the doorway/the cold evening aches/as it leaves in its wake/all the memories left by the day/oh and questioning why/as you look to the sky/that is cloudless up above our heads/and thoughts come to mind/that our short little lives/haven't left the path that they will tread/they will tread/I'll come back to haunt you/memories will taunt you")

diana: #21 - you're not there by lukas graham ("you're not there/to celebrate the man that you made/you're not there/to share in my my success and mistakes/is it fair?/you'll never know the person I'll be/you're not there/with me/time can heal your wounds if/you're strong and standing tall/I've been doing all of that, it didn't help at all/they say you'll grow older, and it'll get better still/yes, I will, but no it won't/they don't get it")

alassie: #1 - fight fire with fire by kansas ("I'm miles away/I want to cry out loud/I want to fight till the end/I won't let 'em take me alive/that's why I fight fire with fire/oh I'm burning inside and my heart is a-cryin'/fire with fire/I don't want to lose this flamin' desire/standing alone/in a crowded room/I can feel a chill in the air")

ramona: #23 - casual affair by panic! at the disco ("break involuntary ties/a secret so the spies/could never find us out/stay for as long as you have time/so the mess that we'll become/leaves something to talk about/just lay in the atmosphere/a casual affair")

rhea: #36 - man killer by hedley ("red lips/big eyes/no vanilla/make you wanna cry/sweet little surprise/she's a killer/telling no lies/pretty like a lemonade and a smile and a 45/if you fuck with my girl, you could lose your life")

cornelia: #6 - rich kids by bea miller ("after school, I always had to work/it kinda left me feeling like a jerk/cause I never got to talk to the guy I liked/and that ain't right/and then he met another type/made him buy her all the things she liked/I learned a lot about life/when she jumped in his convertible")

Kaden: #30 - make up your mind by florence + the machine ("while you've been saving your neck/I've been breaking mine for you/the power is on, the guillotine hums/my back's to the wall, go on, let it fall, oh/make up your mind/before I make it up for you/the executioner's within me/and he comes blindfold ready/sword in hand/and arms so steady/every time I try to bring it down/you always turn my head around")

andreia: #39 - runaway by aurora ("I was painting a picture/the picture was a painting of you and/for a moment I thought you were here/but then again, it wasn't true, down/and all this time I have been lyin'/oh, lyin' in secret to myself/I've been putting sorrow on the farthest place on my shelf")

suzy: #5 - we are alive by golden youth ("falling from trees on the line/we are like leaves in the autumn fog/tossing down streams we move on/at the speed of the breeze we're gone/now life's giving us chances all around/so you take what you can and let go")

samuel: #7 - pray for my soul by mikael saari ("mother, pray for my weary soul/my weary soul/for I have misused your trust/turned given gold to rust/so pray for my soul/pray for my soul/I've prayed for yours")

Bianca: #59 - I've got this friend by the civil wars ("I've got this friend/I don't think you know him/he's not much for words, he's hidden his heart away/oh, I've got this friend, a loveless romantic/all that he really wants is someone to want him back/oh, if the right one came/if the right one came along")

archibald: #13 - shots by imagine dragons ("am I out of luck? am I waiting to break?/when I keep saying that I'm looking for a way to escape/oh, I'm wishing I had what I'd taken for granted/I can't have you when I'm only gonna do you wrong/oh, I'm gonna mess this up/oh, this is just my luck/over and over and over again/I'm sorry for everything, oh, everything I've done/from the second that I was born, it seems I have a loaded gun/and then I shot, shot, shot a hole through everything I loved/oh, I shot, shot, shot a hole through every single thing that I loved")

raphael: #19 - tenerife sea by ed sheeran ("we are surrounded by all of these lies/and people that talk too much/you got that kind of look in your eyes/as if no one knows anything but us/should this be the last thing I see/I want you to know it's enough for me/'cause all that you are is all that I'll ever need")

#songs #the selected #host characters

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spencers-dria · 3 years

Text

Trauma

Someone To Stay Ch. 9

Spencer x fem reader

It's been several weeks since Y/N and I started our weekly movie nights. After starting Harry Potter we decided that we would keep watching our way through the series until we finished them. Last week I was out of town on all of her days off, but tonight we get to watch our favorite together, Prisoner of Azkaban. Seeing as we both love Halloween, this doesn't come as much of a surprise.

Last time I had asked to borrow her Harry Potter cookbook. As a surprise I've been cooking pumpkin pasties. I normally don't do much cooking, but this was well worth it. Movie night has become incredibly casual, so i slip into some purple pajama pants and a black t shirt before driving to her apartment. We decided movie nights would all take place at her apartment, seeing as she had the nice TV with a decent sound system. I had previously spent almost all my time reading, so all I had was my mom's old TV tucked away in the corner, only used when I felt the need to binge Dr. Who.

It's not long before i'm knocking at her door, warm snacks ready to go. She opens the door and looks down with a huge grin.

"Are those what I think they are?"

I nod, glad to see she's excited about them. After a moment I notice a pleasant smell wafting from the kitchen.

"You made something too?" I peek my head into the kitchen hoping to discover the source of the scent.

Y/N pulls out two mugs topped with foam, smiling like a giddy little kid. We both take a sip, and I feel the warmth filling me up as I take in the drink that tastes like Autumn in a cup. I've never had butter-beer before, but this is perfect. I look up to see whipped cream coating Y/N's upper lip, and based on the laugh she's holding back, I would guess I am sporting the same foam mustache. We both bust out in laughter. Something about spending time with Y/N makes me feel like a kid again. I know I can share my knowledge with her and she actually encourages me to do it quite often. But she also makes me feel like I can be goofy and silly and just have fun. I had almost forgotten what that feels like.

After we each curl up on our end of the couch with blankets and pillows, I can't help but realize how happy I have been having her as a friend in my life. Something about this realization pulls my mind in the opposite direction, and I suddenly find myself remembering why happiness feels like such a long forgotten stranger...Maeve. The name had not crossed my thoughts in weeks. This realization leaves me with a guilt that sits like a pit in my stomach. Before I know it, I am no longer focused on my favorite Harry Potter movie, but am spiraling into a dark hole once again. I lose myself so far into my thoughts that I almost don't notice that Y/N has stopped the movie and is staring straight at me.

I turn to her. "What is it?"

Y/N furrows her brow, a deep look of concern filling her eyes.

"Spencer, you're crying."

"I am?" I reach up to feel the wet streaks left behind on my cheek. I hadn't even realized. Now not only have I been crying in front of Y/N, but she knows something is wrong. Knowing her, she won't let this go so easily. I also doubt she'll buy any lie I try to feed her. She may not be a profiler, but she sure knows when someone she cares about isn't being genuine with her.

Luckily, she must also know me better than I realize. She doesn't push me too hard for information. She scoots over to my side of the couch before laying a hand on my shoulder. I keep my eyes glued to my lap, avoiding eye contact as best I can. I'm afraid that if I look into her eyes now, I'll completely fall apart. Something about telling your friends about your trauma makes it very real, and I don't want to relive that day, not again.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm not sure..." I answer honestly.

Instead of pushing me, she moves her hand to rub my back as we sit there in silence. Something about the kindness of this gesture finally breaks me. I let my head fall into my hands as tears start streaming down my face, and I don't even bother trying to stop them. I can't hold this back anymore, not from someone who's become like a best friend to me.

We sit there just like that for several minutes, Y/N silently rubbing my back, me crying like a big baby. Part of me feels embarrassed, breaking down like this, but the other part is too tired from holding all of this back to even care anymore.

Finally, I think my body has run out of tears when I hear Y/N say "What can I do? What do you need?" It's so quiet I almost miss it.

"Her name was Maeve." I am surprised to hear the words leave my mouth. I glance over to Y/N to gauge her reaction, but she's only sitting there, listening patiently.

"I started getting these headaches. They became so crippling that they started affecting my work. It scared me because...well my mom is schizophrenic. I guess I have always been a little paranoid about showing symptoms. The doctors ran tests, labs, scans...everything they could think of. As a last resort I reached out to this geneticist. After a bit of correspondence, it wasn't difficult to see that she was brilliant. She seemed to enjoy keeping in touch, so we would write one another letters. We eventually started calling one another. But...she had a stalker. She didn't know who it was or what they wanted, but she was scared. That's why we wrote letters. And I only ever called her from telephone booths, never the same one twice. I ended up sharing a large part of my life with her... One time before hanging up the phone she even said "love you" like it was the most normal thing in the world. I never said it back, but even if what I felt was love I never got the chance to say it to her. Her stalker was a former grad student, and she got to Maeve before I could."

I stop and take in a deep breath, swallowing the growing lump in my throat before continuing.

" She shot herself in front of me, killing Maeve along with her. It was the first time I had ever seen her in person too. It happened a couple months ago. Every time I think i've moved on it feels like the pain starts all over again. I sometimes feel guilty for even trying to move on, for ever being happy."

Y/N doesn't say a word as she lets me speak. She just nods, taking in every word. After a couple minutes of silence, she lets out a large breath before finally opening her mouth to speak.

"Spencer, I can't pretend to even come close to understanding what you are going through. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could tell you when the pain will go away, but the truth is it will probably never fully leave you. Trauma has a way of sticking with us. We learn how to process it and cope with it more efficiently, but it's never truly gone. Now I can't pretend to know what Maeve would have wanted for you, but as your friend who's with you now I want to tell you its okay to be happy. Its also okay to not be okay sometimes. No one has it together all of the time. It's ok to talk about it, to cry about it, and there's no right or wrong time. Trauma has a way of sneaking up on us, triggering us when we least expect it. And whatever you need to be ok, whatever you need to do in order to deal with this, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you. You can always call me if you need to talk or come over. Even if you just need a distraction from it, if you find yourself slipping into a dark place, you can call me, and we will talk about literally anything else or go find somewhere to grab dessert or watch a movie. If you need someone to just sit with you, I'll be there. What I'm trying to say is whenever you're ready, just tell me what you need and I'll be there for you."

I feel like I could cry again, but luckily I don't. Instead, I turn on the couch to face Y/N and just pull her in for a hug, resting my head on her shoulder. This alone is all I need to at least be okay, even if just for tonight. As someone who lives alone, my only real family living across the US, no one ever really knows just how much I crave touch. It's not exactly like I can just approach JJ, Garcia, or Morgan and say "Hey I could really use a hug today." It's a love language for me, but I go weeks without touching a single person. It wears me down sometimes. Sitting here, hugging Y/N, is the most comforted I have felt in a really long time.

I want to tell her the other reason I'm struggling. About the cravings I have to battle when things are already emotionally challenging. I decide I'm not ready to share that quite yet. It's not that i don't trust her, but if it's going to affect the way she sees me, I want to put that off as long as possible.

I also take a minute to go over the words she's said to me. I can't help but notice her tone, her body language, the look on her face. She may be great at comforting people, especially since it's part of her job, but those were the words of someone who knew. She spoke from a place of fully understanding trauma, which tells me one thing: She has had trauma of her own. I make a mental note to bring it up later. I don't want to push her, but I want to make sure she knows she has the same support from me incase she ever needs to talk.

We sit there for a few more minutes, her arms wrapped around me. My breathing eventually slows down as I try to get my sniffles under control. I feel my head start to pound from how hard I have been crying. I sit back to rub my hands into my temples. Y/N stands up and makes her way into the kitchen, returning a couple minutes later with a cold water bottle, a box of tissues, and some aspirin.

She starts to walk out of the room before turning to me.

"I think I've got something that might help you feel a little better. It can't heal with heartbreak, but maybe it can help you to relax and take your mind off everything, if even for a little while."

"Y/N, you take care of people all day at work you don't have to..,"

"Hey!" She cuts me off before I can finish. "Why do you think I became a nurse huh? I enjoy taking care of people. And if I can help, even just a little, I won't feel so completely useless in this situation."

"Y/N, you've already helped. Just listening, being here with me. But I guess its no use arguing with you, you're too stubborn." A small breathy laugh leaves my nose and I glance up to see a small smile before she steps out of the room.

She returns a few minutes later and doesn't say a word. Instead she grabs both my hands and pulls me off the couch, leading me into the guest bathroom.

A take a look around at everything she had gotten ready.

"A bubble bath?" I shoot her a look of uncertainty.

"Just trust me okay." She rolls her eyes playfully. "I'll be in the living room. Just shout if you need me okay?"

I decide to just go with it. She leaves, shutting the door behind her and flipping of the lights. The room is suddenly glowing in light from candles scattered all around the bathroom. After slipping into the bath, I tense up at how hot the water is before it finally relaxes all my muscles. Breathing in, I notice the smell of eucalyptus and lavender filling the air. There is also a bluetooth speaker in the corner, softly playing zen spa music with the trickle of a rain in the background.

I have to admit, this is the most relaxed I have felt in...well I can't remember ever feeling this relaxed. Baths always seemed a bit girly, but this was incredibly therapeutic. I may have to try this again after my next difficult case.

When I finally decide to get out, I realize I'll have to change back into the same clothes. I quickly realize Y/N had also laid out a star wars t shirt and black sweatpants for me. She thought of everything. With her being on the taller side and enjoying baggy clothes, they actually fit me fairly well.

When I finally step back into the living room she looks up at me and grins.

"Looking good Dr. Reid!"

She never calls me that, and for some reason it makes me blush just slightly. She pats the spot next to her on the couch, signaling for me to come over.

"Well, how do you feel?"

"Umm I wasn't sure about the whole bath thing but... I feel fantastic actually! How did you know that would help?"

"When you do what I do, you have to find multiple ways to unwind" she laughs.

I glance down at the shirt I'm wearing.

"So Star Wars huh?"

Y/N smirks "Are you really that surprised?"

I answer with a laugh "No I suppose not."

"Well I hope you like them too, because that's what I had lined up when it was my turn to pick for movie night!"

I can't help but hide a giant grin. I was happy to hear she wanted to continue our movie nights. Between all the Harry Potter movies and Star Wars movies combined, it seemed like we'd be spending a lot more time together.

"Is it okay if we finish the movie?" I am hoping I didn't completely ruin the night with my breakdown.

"I thought you'd never ask" she smiles before turning to the TV and resuming the movie.

As I watch the characters making their way into the shrieking shack, I feel my eyes grow heavy. I guess I had gotten a little too relaxed, as I am now struggling to stay awake through the rest of the movie.

When I open my eyes I notice the room is no longer glowing from the light of the TV but from the daylight streaming in through the windows. I realize i'm stretched across Y'N's couch, under one of her many fuzzy blankets. I sit up and look around, noticing Y/N is no longer there. After checking her kitchen and bedroom, I start to worry. Before I start to call her on the phone, I notice movement outside the window. I make my way onto the patio balcony to see her sitting on her bench with a book in her hands. At the sound of the door, she looks up and meets my gaze, smiling as she closes her book.

"Good morning sunshine" she says laughing just a bit.

"What happened?" I ask, joining her on the bench outside, running my hands through my hair as I attempt to fully wake up.

"Well, after awhile I noticed you fell asleep. I really thought it would be best to just let you get your rest."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..." I start before she cuts me off.

"Its no problem! Not last night and not any other time. You are always welcome here." She gives me a warm, genuine smile. I know this is a sincere offer, one I'm sure I will take her up on again.

#Spotify

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xiaomoxu · 4 years

Text

MLQC CN Lucien (Xu Mo) Long Day Date Part 3 & 4

SPOILERS AHEAD!!

It's Xu Mo Birthday which has released on CN server. I'm doing translation for personal reason, so I'm sorry if there's some mistranslation. Kindly tell me if you found some :) feel free for read it~ ^^

Read Part 1 & 2 here

PART 3

I poured the white tea-scented batter into the mold Xu Mo handed over, and couldn't help sighing.

MC: So you knew it from the beginning, including the gifts I prepared...

Xu Mo: Knowing what you want me to do is not the same as seeing you doing these things for me.

MC: But this is not a surprise!

Xu Mo: Is it important to you to surprise me? Then I can be more surprised next time.

Xu Mo smiled, unscrewed the faucet, reached out to test the temperature, and rinsed my battered hand under the warm water.

I watched the water flow down, and he wrapped my palms, tacitly obeyed.

MC: Forget it, I just want you to be a little more happy on your birthday, and I don't really have to surprise you.

Xu Mo: Your presence is the biggest surprise to me.

His lowered voice fell on my ears, and the heat spread to my heart. I couldn't help giving him a chin on the top of my head to cover up the fluctuations in my heart.

Xu Mo closed the water, pulled the plain cotton cloth on one side, and drew it dry.

My heart is beating between fingers and fingers. Xu Mo was very calm, his palms were dry and warm.

Xu Mo: Having been busy for so long, wanna take a break now?

MC: It's okay, I'm not very tired.

Xu Mo's voice seemed to have a magical power, and people couldn't help but relax after hearing it. Although I said that I was not tired, I yawned naturally.

Xu Mo: Take a break.

When I came to the living room, the autumn sunshine outside the window filled the room, and it seemed warm. I looked at the soft sofa, really tired.

Xu Mo : Are you going to bed?

MC: No, no need! I'll just lie down here.

Xu Mo: Alright then, I'll get a blanket.

I quickly found a place to lie down on the sofa, and there was a text book and Xu Mo's coffee on the coffee table.

I picked up a book at random, and when I opened it, it was full of some difficult proper nouns, which completely exceeded my vocabulary, which made me feel sleepy.

Xu Mo: Are you interested in quantum mechanics?

MC: What?

I raised my neck and looked at Xu Mo who was walking over with the blanket in hand. His smile was very reserved, and I suddenly had the urge to not admit defeat.

MC: Hmm! But the words in this book are too small. It makes my eyes dizzy.

Xu Mo: Then, I read it for you?

Xu Mo sat beside me, covering me with the blanket.

The heat on his body attracted me inexplicably, and when he approached, I could smell the white tea scent left by the cake.

Xu Mo: Lie down, you will sleep better.

Xu Mo pointed to his leg. I hesitated for three seconds, still unable to hold back my greedy heart, blushing and lying down curled up.

MC: It's... really warm.

I raised my head and looked at the superior line of Xu Mo's jaw. He lowered his head and smiled at me, picking up his glasses and the original book on one side

Xu Mo: Then I started?

MC: Ah? Ah! Okay.

Xu Mo began to read the difficult original book. His voice is elegant and gentle, and every turn is like a sprout that has just broken through the soil, touching my heart softly.

I can't understand most of the words in his mouth, but the soft voice is like a flowing waltz. Just listening to it makes me happy.

Before I knew it, I slowly closed my eyes, and gradually stepped into the dark and sweet...

MC: Ah.. what time is it?

When I opened my eyes again, there was a faint warmth in front of my eyes, and a light smile sounded in my ears.

Xu Mo: Woke up?

The darkness in front of me exposed layers of crevices, and bright sunlight came in. I sat up slowly and saw Xu Mo sitting beside me smiling at me.

Xu Mo: I thought... you could sleep a little longer.

He took off his glasses in one hand and still held the original book of quantum mechanics in the other.

I rubbed my eyes, still a little sleepy. The sunlight came over from behind him, and for a while, I was almost uncertain whether I was still in a dream.

His shirt looked a little messy for some reason, and a few buttons were loosened, revealing the usual hidden lines.

My eyes circled back and forth, still a little startled, swallowing water involuntarily.

Xu Mo looked down at my sight and smiled slightly.

Xu Mo: You untied this.

MC: What?!

Xu Mo: You don't seem to be very honest when you fall asleep.

MC: What

I finally woke up, and this time I was so sober, I almost jumped off the sofa.

Xu Mo: What's wrong, don't you want to be responsible?

The smile on Xu Mo's lips grew thicker. I stared at him with widened eyes for a long time, and finally felt wrong with the sense of smell that I had cultivated through the past two years with him.

MC: You are teasing me again

I grabbed the pillow at hand and threw it over, Xu Mo caught it with a smile, and sighed regretfully.

Xu Mo: I thought you were a very responsible person.

MC: What kind of sense of responsibility is this? Childish! Cunning!

I held the pillow and launched a series of attacks, Xu Mo just parried, and did not fight back.

When I was tired, I realized that our distance had become much closer at some point

Xu Mo: Do you want to be responsible to me in this way?

He gently pulled my arm and I almost reached his chest.

I could clearly hear his steady heartbeat, and there was still the faint white tea aroma under his nose.

MC: Ah! My cake!

Xu Mo: It has been taken out and is cooling.

Xu Mo calmly supported me who almost jumped up. I looked in the direction of the kitchen, and only then did I see the closed oven.

MC: what time is it now?

Xu Mo: It's noon. I ordered food for delivery, should we have lunch first?

MC: I touched my stomach and quickly agreed.

The lunch Xu Mo ordered was Chinese food, which tasted very authentic. I asked him where the takeaway order was, but he said there was no takeaway order.

MC: How do you know the phone number?

Xu Mo: ....I remember that.

Looking at Xu Mo's plain expression, I marveled at his genius memory, and once again felt subtle.

After eating, I went back to the sofa and wanted to help him organize his books

I picked up the original book on the coffee table and went to the bookshelf in the corner.

Looking at the books in hand, I suddenly found that the title pages of these books are signed by a small pen: L.X.

MC: Strange... how does it resemble Xu Mo's English name?

When I came to the bookshelf, I couldn't help but admire again, and ran my fingers across the neatly arranged spine of the book.

The bookshelves in this hotel are amazing, they are more like the residents' personal collection, rather than the popular books that other hotels will put.

I looked at the rows of unreadable English letters, and quickly noticed a brown book on the top.

MC: What is this? No name?

I climbed the small ladder to retrieve the book and took down the book without a title. The cover is made of antique leather, and when you open it, you can even see the floating dust.

Xu Mo: What are you doing?

MC: Woah!

Xu Mo's voice suddenly rang from behind me, I turned around abruptly, shaking my hand, and the brown book fell to the ground.

Xu Mo: Be careful!

I fell back from the ladder and was in a warm and firm embrace. And the man was frowning, looking at me intently and nervously.

Xu Mo: Did I scare you?

MC: No! I am always in a panic. Ah, I just dropped a notebook, let's see if there is anything wrong.

Xu Mo: It's you who should confirm that there is nothing wrong.

MC: I'm fine! When setting up the shooting scene, I often climb up and down like this, hahahaha

Xu Mo's eyes remained on me, faintly showing the inexplicable gloominess gradually turned into helplessness. I dare not look deeply and pick up the notebook that has fallen on the ground.

MC: This is...

When I saw what was falling out of the notebook, I was stunned for a while.

MC: Xu Mo..

Xu Mo gave a hum, then suddenly thought of something, and smiled softly.

Xu Mo: Did you still find out

I held the yellowed photo with two fingers, turned my head, and looked at the man in front of me.

MC: Why are there photos of you when you were a kid here?

PART 4

MC: Hahahahahaha! You were so cute when you were young!

Xu Mo: Is it cute? I don't seem to be described that way.

I don’t know how long it took, and Xu Mo and I were still looking through this old photo album on the sofa. I pressed against his warm body, and gradually forgot the time.

After uncovering this treasure, I almost opened the door to a new world about Xu Mo, and I had many questions about every photo.

Xu Mo patiently answered me one by one. For some reason, he always seemed to have a self-sustaining calmness about his past, not excited, nor missed.

MC: So why didn't you tell me this in the beginning this your apartment?

Xu Mo: It's just a residence, it's not very different from a hotel.

MC: How come?! You have been living here when you were studying in the UK, this is your home, right?

Xu Mo's face seemed to be slightly moved, but he quickly returned to his calm and faint smile.

Xu Mo: From the perspective of property ownership, it can be understood this way.

After learning that this is the place where Xu Mo once lived, all the subtle feelings this apartment gave me can be explained.

The X on the doorplate is too homey and familiar, the white rice and tea in the kitchen, and the special bookshelf and the signature on the book...

I didn't expect this person to be so cunning that he would bring me to his home again without knowing it.

MC: Wow, how old were you? There is cake cream on your face, not that you don’t eat sweets is it?

Xu Mo: It was when I was 6 years old. I didn't eat that time either.

MC: Eh?

Turning back a few pages, I gradually discovered that all Xu Mo's photos seemed to be 7 years old.

Thinking of the scenes I saw in my dream before, I couldn't help but squeeze.

I looked up at Xu Mo beside me. In the setting sun, his eyebrows were covered with a faint blood red, and I couldn't help but clenched his hand

MC: Xu Mo...

Xu Mo: What happened?

MC: Nothing, just, suddenly.....

Perhaps it was my palm that conveyed some uneasy emotions. Xu Mo looked at me and quickly showed a soothing smile, touching the back of my hand.

Xu Mo: it's already over. Now, I am by your side.

MC: ..... I am a little unhappy because there is no me in your past!

MC: In the future, we should read our memories book on this day.

Xu Mo stared at me for a long time. After a long silence, his eyebrows finally opened with a long-lost relaxed smile.

Xu Mo: Well, it's like the memories book you prepared for me last year.

MC: We will have many memories books.

I shook my head vigorously, trying to get rid of the anxiety and worries that had just surged in my heart. A light from outside the window came in. I was shocked by the passing of time.

MC: Ah! It's already this time, the cake is not finished yet!

Xu Mo: Don't worry, there is still a while before dinner is ordered.

I hurriedly stood up and looked at Xu Mo's appearance in his spare time. He always seems to anticipate all my flaws and make all arrangements.

I looked at his eyebrows and pulled his hand.

MC: Let's do it together!

Xu Mo's face was slightly blank, and he quickly recovered.

Xu Mo: I haven't done it. Wouldn't it matter if you accidentally spoil your gift?

MC: But you are the most important part of the gift! Doing this with you will make it more meaningful!

Xu Mo stared at me in depth and light for a few rounds. It seemed more mysterious in the twilight, but it made me feel at ease.

He nodded slightly and said yes.

Xu Mo: Then you should teach me carefully

I cheered and pulled him to the counter to take out the cake then start to make the cream.

Xu Mo watched me cut through the cake base skillfully, pour the cream and fruit layer by layer, and his face seemed to be in a trance.

MC: Come, put cream in.

I handed him the decorating tool unceremoniously, and he was shocked for a few seconds, and began to use a rigorous method of experimentation.

I looked at him cautiously and couldn't help but laughed.

Xu Mo: ....Is the way I am now, funny?

MC: No! Wait a minute!

Before Xu Mo could react, I rushed to the suitcase and fetched a Polaroid. I took a photo of Xu Mo holding the cream bag from a distance.

Xu Mo's face was caught off guard, and he laughed again soon.

Xu Mo: Are you going to leave me here alone, teacher?

MC: Don't panic, I am coming!

I put the Polaroid on the edge of the table and began to teach Xu Mo how to squeeze the cream into various decorative shapes.

MC: It’s not that difficult, you see, it’s like drawing...

As expected to be a genius who mastered a scalpel, Xu Mo quickly learned the trick and squeezed a gardenia shape on the cake.

MC: Wow, that's amazing! I have been studying for so long, but I still can't do this level.

Xu Mo: It's more interesting than imagined.

With the help of Xu Mo, the cake gradually took shape. Every line is beautiful and smooth.

After finishing decorating, there is some cream left in the bag. Xu Mo's gaze swept around and suddenly fell on my finger.

Xu Mo: Let me do another exercise.

MC: What?

I haven't reacted yet, Xu Mo has already pulled my left hand and skillfully squeezed a snow-white gardenia on my ring finger.

Xu Mo: Do you like it?

I looked at the delicate white flowers like sculptures on my fingers, and couldn't help but blush.

MC: .... this is a waste.

Xu Mo: It won't be wasted.

My heart jumped, only to see Xu Mo lowered his head and leaned close to my finger, the back of the finger was warm and warm, and that white gardenia had been accepted by him.

MC: Xu Mo! What....

Xu Mo: Well, it seems to be sweeter than the one on the cake.

Xu Mo's long and narrow eyes showed a bright light, and my heart was beating like a drum. It took a long time to react and hurriedly withdrew my hand.

MC: No, don't challenge the teacher thinking that you have learned it! Now you have to learn to write!

I hurriedly took out the jam and the one-size French flower, but because I was too panic, I couldn't find a suitable filter.

Xu Mo's hand stretched out from behind, and accurately inserted the metal filter into the cut piping bag

Xu Mo: can we start?

MC: ....Okay, thank you.

His arms are warm and strong, and the mood that has just been disrupted finally stabilizes a little bit. I installed the jam and cleared my throat.

MC: The next sentence I wrote is a demonstration for you.

While I was talking, I moved my wrist and wrote this line solemnly in front of his eyes.

Happy Birthday to Mr. X

MC: Did you see it clearly?

Xu Mo: Yes, clearly.

The voice seemed to stop for a while before it sounded deep, and when it fell to my ears, it shocked my heart with countless gentle ripples.

It seems that this day's rush, or everything that has been done for this person in the past, hundreds of days and nights of company, have a place to stay.

The dusk outside the window gradually deepened, and the street lights on the street came on. The warm lights in the house surround us, and the sweet creamy aroma persists.

Xu Mo: Thank you.

MC: .... It's your turn.

Xu Mo took the piping bag in my hand, and suddenly wrapped my waist with his other hand, pulling me over.

His magnified face caught in my eyes, my chest was full, but I couldn't bear to look away.

MC: Write well..

Xu Mo: Okay, I'm writing.

His other hand walked skillfully on the cake behind me, but his eyes were tightly locked on my face, gentle and relaxed, with ease.

MC: What are you writing?

I wanted to look back, but he was firmly clamped on. His approaching face made me unable to escape, I could only hit his forehead and listen to him whispering.

Xu Mo: It doesn't matter what I wrote. More importantly, thank you that you're here with me.

I also remembered that when I met Xu Mo at the airport, he was confident that there was always a certainty in his eyes that I couldn't see through.

MC: So what is your third basis?

Xu Mo paused, smiling slowly.

Xu Mo: it's you.

MC: What do you mean?

Xu Mo: Because it is you, I know you will come.

I blinked, a little unconvinced.

MC: Anyway, Professor Xu has always known everything.

Xu Mo chuckled lightly, his warm lips pressed against me, his breath with the aftertaste of buttery gardenia.

Before closing my eyes, I had already peeked from the corner of the light that he had written on the chocolate card.

Maybe I have long been used to letting go of everything in front of this omniscient person.

Just like everything he put down to me

Xu Mo: starting today, here is...

The second half of his sentence was hidden between his lips, and it became the eternal secret of this day.

And the small letters on the row of chocolate cards still appeared in front of my eyes.

1115 with you, at home.

-END-

Thank you for reading ><

#mlqc translation #mlcq cn #mlqc lucien #mlqc xu mo #lucien birthday #xu mo birthday #mrlove Lucien #mr love translation #mr love lucien

21 notes · View notes

maraudererasmut · 4 years

Text

Black and White (Part XIX)

((Author’s Note: I AM SO SORRY THAT THIS TOOK SO LONG!! I hope the chapter makes up for the fact that it took such a long time to write/post it! I hope you guys like it!!))

Remus walked into Black and White carrying two coffee cups from work, his knuckles turning white from the tightness of his grip. He was terrified, to say the least. This would be his first time seeing Sirius since their evening at the cafe, and Remus wasn't entirely sure if his presence was desired.

"Uh… Sirius? M— Mr. Black? Are… are you here?"

Of course he was there. Sirius ran the gallery himself. If he wasn't there, the door wouldn't be unlocked. Remus felt stupid asking his question aloud, but the response he got put him at ease.

"Yeah, I'm here, Remus. I'll be right out."

Remus.

So they were still on a first name basis. That was a good sign.

It took a moment, but Sirius eventually emerged from his back office, looking rather worse for wear. His hair was left loose around his shoulders, dark inky tresses spilling over his unbuttoned collar. He looked tired; more tired than Remus felt. More tired than he had ever looked before.

"I… uh… I brought coffee…"

"What are you doing here, Remus?"

The tone of Sirius' voice didn't sound harsh or accusatory; it was filled with exhaustion and melancholy, but it wasn't rude, which was a surprise.

"Oh…" Remus glanced down at the paper cups in his hands, as if his reason for being at the gallery was obvious. "I… brought coffee," he repeated. "Cappuccino, skim milk, sprinkle of cinnamon?"

Remus watched as a slow smile bloomed across Sirius' face, lighting him up, finally revealing a hint of the gallery owner that Remus had come to know the past few weeks. Sirius walked towards Remus, straightening his posture and brushing hair out of his eyes.

"How'd you know?"

Remus shrugged, offering Sirius a friendly grin.

"A little birdy told me."

Sirius rolled his eyes and graciously accepted Remus' peace offering. The artist watched as Sirius' shoulders visibly relaxed with the first sip of coffee, a hint of colour returning to his sallow cheeks. Sirius turned his gaze towards a painting on the wall, both hands grasping the cup, as if to absorb its warmth and energy.

"Well… remind me to thank her later."

"I'm fairly certain I brought the coffee here," Remus said, mostly joking. He took a sip from his own cup of tea, letting the spicy warmth from the chai trickle down and heat him up from the inside.

Sirius remained focused on the painting before him.

"Thank you, Remus. Not… not just for the coffee… but for coming. Here. I… appreciate it."

"Okay, who are you and what have you done with Sirius Black?" Remus teased, attempting to lighten the sudden weight of the situation, trying to deter the looming darkness that threatened its way into their thoughts.

Sirius didn't answer for a moment. He stood and stared at the painting, one of Lily's pieces by the looks of it, before finally giving Remus a response.

"This… this is the real Sirius Black."

Remus tore his eyes away from mercurial pools of despair, so deep and turbulent, the artist could drown in them if he wasn't careful. He directed his attention to the same painting, the same blues and greys of Sirius' eyes popping out from the canvas.

"Well…" Remus muttered to the painting, twisting his cup around between his fingers. "Hello Sirius Black. I'm— I'm Remus Lupin."

Remus heard a sharp exhale of breath beside him— almost a laugh, but not quite. At least he could help bring some levity into their conversation.

"So…" Sirius began, before taking another sip of coffee. "How much did she tell you?"

Remus pondered the question, trying to find an appropriate way of answering it.

"She… uh… mentioned your brother. And… and you and James. She explained why you left the cafe the other day, why you seemed so upset…"

Sirius closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. When he opened them, there was a hint of pain still etched into his features.

"And where does that leave us?"

Remus turned to look at Sirius, unsure what exactly the man was asking him.

"Wh— what do you mean?"

"Are you… still interested in showing here? Did you still want to… to work with me?"

"Of course." Remus' response was immediate. There was no question in his mind: Black and White was the gallery that Remus wanted his first show to be in. He wanted Sirius to run it, curate it, put the event together. He wanted Lily and James to be there. This was the gallery for him. "Why wouldn't I?"

Sirius' eyes drifted down to his coffee cup, his shoulders folding in on themselves ever so slightly.

"You're not worried that the erratic drunk is going to ruin things for you? Cause you too much trouble?"

"I— what?" Remus took a step towards Sirius; he considered reaching out, taking hold of the man, showing a sign of affection, but he thought better of it. Instead, he simply looked at Sirius, his voice measured, his posture firm. "None of those thoughts ever crossed my mind. I— I want to show here because you're passionate. You have drive. You're confident… you're— you're a good gallerist."

You're annoying as all hell, but you know what you want from life and you aren't afraid to go for it. Someone like me could learn a lot from someone like you. You're fascinating. An enigma. And I need to figure you out…

"And you push me to do better. I'm producing better art now than I ever have before. You have a keen eye and you give good direction."

Remus waited for Sirius to respond, but the man simply stared ahead at the painting before him. The silence loomed over them as Remus watched the ghost of the man he thought he knew slowly fading into nothingness.

It was a few minutes before Sirius eventually spoke, his voice echoing eerily across the empty gallery.

"You don't have to lie to me to make me feel better."

His words were soaked in bitterness, his expression crestfallen. He never once tore his gaze away from the painting.

Remus took a gulp of tea, weighing his next words very carefully.

"I don't lie." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. "You don't know me very well yet, but that's something you should remember for the future. I don't lie." Another pause, another sip of tea. "I had enough of that growing up, I don't need it in my life."

The slightest hint of a smile passed over Sirius' face.

"You also had a shitty family?

"I'm an artist," Remus mused with a dark chuckle, "Do you know any that don't?"

Sirius' smile grew as he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, one or two. But you make a valid point."

Remus brought his cup to his lips and tilted it back, draining the remaining contents and deliberating his words.

"So…" he began after a moment. "Where do we go from here?"

For the first time since the conversation started, Sirius shifted his focus, his eyes settling on Remus' frame silhouetted in the fading evening light.

"Where do you want it to go?"

Remus closed his eyes and pretended to take a sip from his drink, despite the fact that it was now empty. He needed time to think. Was Sirius talking about the gallery? Was Sirius asking about Remus' desire to show his art and work together in a professional setting? Or did the question go deeper than that?

Where did Remus want things to go?

"I…" Remus opened his eyes. He stared at Lily's painting, pretending not to see the way Sirius' gaze bore into him, pretending not to think about the swirling blues and greys, the perfection of colour, they way they shifted with each emotion. "I want to make sure that our show next month is your best one yet."

"Well then…" Sirius said softly, his voice relaxing, his tone sounding more and more familiar to Remus. "We'd better get to work. There's only a few weeks left…"

Remus turned to look at Sirius and felt his cheeks flush at the smile playing on the gallery owner's lips. The artist quickly looked down at the paper cup twisting between his fingers, trying not to read into the situation any more than necessary.

"I'd better get home then…" Remus told his cup, trying to keep his voice steady and desperately willing his cheeks to stop feeling so warm. "I still have two more pieces to paint…"

"Yes, well…" Sirius muttered. From the corner of his eye, Remus could see the gallery owner shifting his weight from foot to foot. "I'll be in touch. I'd love to see your progress if— if that's okay…?"

Since when did Sirius ask for things instead of demanding them?

"Sure, yeah… that sounds… good. I'll… see you around, Sirius."

Remus glanced up and smiled, immediately regretting his decision. The look on Sirius' face was tender, affectionate. Somehow, he looked even more handsome like this. Remus hated it.

The artist shoved his hand forward, offering it for a shake. Sirius hesitated before reaching out and grasping Remus' hand firmly. The two men had shaken hands a dozen times at this point; there was something frustratingly different about this one, and it lingered a beat too long.

Remus pulled his hand away and spun on his heels before Sirius could stop him.

"I'll see you around, Sirius!" He called over his shoulder before making a beeline to the door.

"Oh… okay… T— Thank you, Remus. For… for everything!"

Before he knew what was happening, Remus was outside in the crisp autumn air, trying not to think about the way Sirius' perfect lips wrapped so delicately around his name or how badly Remus wanted to find out what those lips tasted like.

What was wrong with him?

((Bonus: Here’s a sketch that I did in a limited palette of this scene. Yes, I know there are inaccuracies, it was a quick sketch and I didn’t read the chapter before drawing it. Oops! Anyway, here it is!))

**THIS DRAWING IS NOT CANON! IT IS DONE BY MARAUDERERASMUT, NOT REMUS!**

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bigscaryyanderewriter · 5 years

Text

Frosty Fear and the Fury of Flames (Dragonshifter! Shouto x Reader) Part 3

Part 2 ^

Hahaha, a part 3 for you??? It’s more likely than you’d think. This is actually kinda fun to write in parts, although it takes me a while. I have a few requests waiting to be answered still and that kinda bums me out still. Gonna be getting a lot more of Todoroki though. Haha… I like fire boys. Also, if you can’t tell. I really want to play dnd.

Tw: Yandere, Nightmares, Slight Gore

2.1k Words

“Bakugou, are you sure about this? I mean-”

“Did I ask for your opinion, Shitty hair? Come on, get that damn wimp ready to go. We’re going to need to get out of here if we are going to get them away from that damn dragon.” The grimace on his face as deeper set than usual as you were forced to pack up with the others yet again.

They were going to abandon their mission, since there were other things they could do. That was what Bakugou told you at least, you had a feeling that none of the jobs in this tavern were worth half as much to the group as the one involving Shouto was. Still, you were grateful that they wanted you to stay and that you could be useful to them.

You couldn’t stop the sinking feeling though as you knew that getting farther away would be good, but also… They had to do something like give up the goal they had been working towards to assist you.

The morning was still dark, no sun peaked on the horizon as the birds only just began singing their morning songs. The bags were packed and soon you were all ready to go by the time the sky began to lighten. You would be heading east and down the mountains a good ways until you got to the plains, travelling for about two weeks before stopping in another city called White Fields. Something was said about dangerous rock formations that would cause small landslides and magic folk you couldn't talk to. Not much rest would be allowed, wanting to get as far as possible from the mountains and desert. If luck was on their side, they would be out of reach by that point, since Shouto was still unable to travel that far from what you have learned. Something about territory disputes and bad blood.

That was the plan and you were praying to whatever would listen that it would work.

"Are you ready, (Y/N)? We had better get going." Mina spoke from the doorway of the little room of the inn. Her face showed a bit of concerned and you realized you had been scratching a bit at your arm. You hurriedly covered the scratches and grabbed the sack with your more material belongings, the golden jewelry, things you had taken from the cave. Following her out to the boys, you all got moving as you walked out of town.

The place where the sun rose was your destination. Going throughout the day. The further day the mountains, the darker the forests and the colder it was. It was a bit misty out with the morning still being new. The winter would hit quickly this year and you could tell. At least it would here. The cold air from last night seemed to be cradled here. Your arm hairs prickled as you all walked.

It was as you pulled your arms closer to yourself that you heard Denki speaking, "Hey, you look… like you might want this." He pulled off the warm yellow cloak he had worn throughout the time you had seen him and offered to hand it to you.

"Oh- It's nothing. I'll be fine… The sun will warm me up soon enough. You know I'm not a princess though, so you probably shouldn't call me that." You said with a tiny fake smile. "I appreciate the offer though."

"Aw, maybe I shouldn't call you princess then. No princess holds a candle to you anyways! You have to be the product of some goddess of beauty." He laughed as you couldn't stop the heat rushing to your face, "Don't be so shy. I'm just teasing you. Though you do make a cute face when you're embarrassed. Still, you should take it. I'll be fine without it for a minute."

"Kaminari, I swear to all the gods that I will shove so many rocks into your mouth, if you don't stop flirting. You'll be shitting so many rocks that you could put it on a resume." Bakugo was throwing nonsense threats and this just resulted in some laughter as you had never heard a threat more ridiculous. It was like it was written by someone who didn't actually know how to properly threaten people or something.

Ah yes. That is me. The narrator, who cannot narrate without getting sidetracked. Now, watching you and the group laugh… The tension of impending doom is nowhere to be found as you all walk the beginnings of the mountains' autumnal scenery. The yellow cloak draped on your shoulders as you continued and Denki at your side, chatting idly with you. His presence and the conversation taking the pressure of the situation away. It seemed he was an expert, being a bard. Something told you to be careful though. The stereotype with musicians and their unfaithfulness…

There was more time to mull over the prospect later, but you also just found him so jolly. It was a real treat. Going through the day, nothing happened. It was painfully boring event-wise, tiring, but you made progress. You had begun to feel uneasy, despite Kaminari distracting. Something was lurking in the forests, in the trees. Everything seemed about as turned around for you as a spinning carnival mirror maze.

Sero, Kiri, and Mina seemed to have had no problem as you were led by them. The group was much closer together now and the laughter began to cease. Night would come and the wish to leave these mountains was becoming louder within your head. It was eerie.

No one spoke much while the dark branches of nearly black barked pines hung above with their ruddy red leaves. The silver of the wood beneath was visibly upon some broken branches and on the stumps that you would sometimes pass on the thinning path. They looked unpleasantly rough to touch. Small barbs lining the branches and serving as more than a small warning to be careful around them.

Soon the light would go, so Kiri found a spot around where some trees had fallen and sat up a fire for the night, while you picked up anything on the ground to make it less rocky. It was also handy for you to get more sticks for the fire. These trees burned infamously easy. A single mistake with a fire and it could go up in minutes, but it would burn for a long time. It was not usual for anyone to cut any down due to the inhabitants though and the consequences. You didn't know what they were and you weren't about to try to find out by harming the forest.

Dinner was easy, still being able to have some good leftovers from the inn. You had to eat them all today, but it was still going to be fuel until the next time you went to eat fresh food, cooked by someone else at least.

Denki couldn't help lightening the mood as he pulled out his stringed instrument and started playing a lovely song… It was familiar, somehow. You struggled to think of what it was called, but you knew the words. It was peaceful and it definitely seemed to help Mina perk up again as she began talking with Sero. Bakugo seemed less irritable as he ate, the music must calm the beast. You couldn't help the smile that came on your face at that thought.

Singing along probably wouldn't keep him calm, but you oh so wanted to… It would be a little embarrassing, but others might join in.

So you did. It was time to have some fun.

You hummed along and started singing,

"How much is love worth?

Yet, we're giving it for free.

Didn't cost a penny, but

I've gained everything.

I'd do anything to make her smile

My darling

Darling~

If only she would look out

Of that dreamy little world

She would then see

That while I am no prince

And will make her crazier than me

I would never quit to admit I'm wrong

I'd always get on her nerves,

She would hate the way I eat

And only then it's worse.

I'd complain about her mother

Even though she's quite alright

I won't stop til I see her blush

Red in the dead of night.

An immoral proposition

If not only for a tease

But I have some qualities

that put her mind at ease.

I love her more than the sea does a shore

As the sun does the horizon,

Unafraid to come back home

And get her blood arising

Kiss her face and hold her hand

I'll never let her go.

I'm lucky that she loves it

Where I'd be without it, who would know

That she likes to feel the spite

That even though I mess around

I'm in her bed tonight

Of my darling,

My darling

Darling

Not doing as the birds and bees

But holding on her hand,

Kissing at her face

And saying things for show

Her pretty crimson blush

Cause when I see it, then I know

That the hand life dealt

Was a royal flush."

Denki sang with you as the others watch, some la's and humming as you got up with a spin. The swirl of your dress and body as you sang out each part with more confidence. Mina laughed when you would dance and Kirishima was keeping the beat.

After a while, the singing stopped and soon the group started to settle in.

Bakugo took first watch with Kirishima, Sero and Denki. Then Mina and you. Only because of practicality. It was to be in three hour shifts. It was when you laid down on your bed roll and cover yourself with a blanket you had been given. The night would be cold, but the fire was big enough to warm you as you sleep. As soon as you eyes closed, you were out. A day of travelling made you more than ready to sleep. It was a wonderful thing to sleep with good dreams, but you seemed to lack any dreams lately.

Not tonight.

You woke up in an ashen forest. Smoke choked life as blue flames rose in the distance. It snowed. You could hardly distinguish the ash from the snow until it would either burn you or melt on your skin. Getting up was impossible, the burning branch crushed your legs.

The acrid smell of burnt hair and smoke. It stung your eyes as you tried to tears away while coughing. You just couldn't stop coughing. "Please! Please! Denki?! Mina!"

You were crying and struggling. The wood was too heavy and you could see the blood on the snow. You were bleeding heavily. It hurt. It hurt.

"Somebody help me! Please! I don't want to die." You couldn't stop the tears as you thrashed about. Soon you stopped though. A growl sounding above you. Blue eyes and blackened scales, injuries beyond counting.

El diablo azul. The shivering continued as you looked up, nothing short of full blown trembling as he snorted hot air over you and knocked the branch away. Draconic was spoken to you as you scrambled back from him. It was deep and grumbling, not hissing or growling like the words spoken by Endeavor or Shouto.

"I don't under- understand. Thank you though…" You couldn't look away from those blue eyes as they seemed to glint with amusement before the great black wings beat against the air. Smoke and snow getting caught up as he was off again and soaring over the burning forest. Lying in the snow though, you wouldn't be able to get up. Maybe he wanted to give you a chance to survive. So you pulled yourself up and began to walk through the blizzard, blood oozing from your thigh and ash caked on your skin. You weren't going to make that help mean nothing.

Though, you were confident. You looked up to see something far worse than the fire ahead. Red and white scales. Shouto was coming for you.

Blinking your eyes open as you were shaken awake. Sweat coated your body while you panted, "Stop- Stop! Please."

It was as you jolted up, you saw Denki looking with fear at you. His hands had been shaking you awake and scrambled away. Out of breath as you looked around frantically. "Shshshh, You need to be quiet. You're attracting too much attention. You were screaming in your sleep. What in the world were you dreaming about…?"

"Nothing, it was nothing, Denki… Just a bad dream. I um, I'll take the rest of your shift if you want to go back to sleep. I don't think I can…" You murmurred.

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lostadrianda · 4 years

Text

The house of wolves

Part I

*версия на русском языке по ссылке:

https://ficbook.net/readfic/8551009

There are dark times. I thought that the death of my parents was the worst thing I would ever see in my life. But now it's so bad… I have to admit that it's worse.

Smoke from the fire rises into the sky, twisting and dragging sparks with it. An axe clatters, and a tree falls with a crunch, breaking neighboring branches. I have almost no life left in me. Almost nothing is inside. People are scurrying around. The camp is growing in front of our eyes, turning from a temporary to our permanent campsite. I look at it, trying to figure out what’s going on. I'm not used to being in camps. The detachments held out successfully for four years in the Dominiana, where we took over the houses, and everything went well. But recently we were forced out of those lands, and the Sly Fox moved all of us to the Islands. It seems to be logical decision. But on the Islands we are not welcome. We could have gone to the south to sparsely populated areas and stayed there. However, we did not do this. But why?

I was the only one who seemed to be asking questions. I don't know. I didn't have much contact with anyone from the camp. I glance at the people sitting next to me. Their faces are dry and earthy. Only the reddish glare of the fire is on them. And their eyes are fixed. You always had to keep in mind that those were wolves around you, not people. They look alike, they even show humanity from time to time. It's all a lie. And if there is any kindness in someone, it will soon be beaten out of them. It's the only way around here. I am among the enemy, I am in their ranks. I help put up new tents. But I have a feeling that I will soon be finished with. It's about time. But the Sly Fox keeps stalling. I think he understands how much this torments me. That's why he keeps me close to him. He's not stupid, no. Therefore, his decisions are not discussed.

It's funny that the Fox has committed so many crimes, but if somebody asks to show the main bastard, everyone will point the finger at me. I betrayed my family. Not native, adopted. Yes, they are all dead now, too. I guess my life didn't work out. But I didn't betray anyone. When the door was kicked in and twenty men entered with the Fox at their head, it was all over. There was nothing I could do about it, no matter how much I think about it. I pretended that I always hated my new parents. And I joined the side of the enemy. I should have given my sister time to escape. I didn't expect much more. I didn't think about anything. I didn't think I'd have to break into houses like this with the others. That now I will always hear the sound of those black boots wherever I go. I didn't think I'd have to run around in the woods. I didn’t know I'd be stuck with them for five years. I thought they would kill me that night, in the same house, as soon as they realized what I had done. But they did not understand or pretended not to understand. They still look askance. And I'm not allowed to be absolutely free. The Sly Fox sometimes calls me, asks questions, and I answer, but I keep waiting for the punishment to come. And he lets me go. During all this time, not a single suspicion was expressed. And he's smart. And there is nothing left for me, I am in his hands, always in his sight, even if he is watching me with a hundred other people's eyes, wolf eyes. He is always somewhere above me, behind me. All the time my life is suspended, and I know it.

My only hope is that my sister will return. I have nothing else left. Everything is so empty. And I’m doing something wrong. I close my eyes so that I don't see anything, so that I don't understand what is happening to me. Because as soon as I start thinking, it turns me inside out. When I forget myself, I gather wood for a fire, go with others and scout the area around the camp, draw some maps. And everything seems to be as it should be. I make an obedient and silent employee, everyone is happy, I do not interfere with anyone. The whole body shakes, as if with a strong chill, and no fire warms. So something inside is resisting. It remembers, and remembers well, that the Sly Fox is the enemy. That he killed a lot of people. But he's good, he's built everything right. He's got an army of about three thousand men, and they all look at him and catch every word. Only one person I've ever known, only one person in my entire life, could stand up to him. And this is my sister. Isn’t it funny, huh? As I remember her, thin, fragile, as I look at the Fox… I can't believe it. But that’s true. Her playful dark eyes flashed with such power sometimes that I was willing to believe that she would overcome anyone. And every time I look at the Fox, I always look at the scar on his cheek. My sister left this for him as a souvenir.

But I haven't heard from her in five years. It's too long to wait, you know? A person waits, waits for a week, a month, maybe a year… And then begins to live, throwing a veil of oblivion over the past. Only I never started again. The air balloon ends sooner or later, you know? And I'm still trying to grab the mask and breathe, breathe. Nothing is inside. In the camp, when people talk about her, all they say is that she must have been dead for a long time. I wished they say something else, even nonsense. Nooo. There are no other options in anyone's mind. Only my brains resist. Things can't be that bad. No matter how much life beats me, I won't believe it. It can't be that bad.

Smoke from the fire gets in my nose. It's getting colder, the earth is blowing in autumn, and the leaves are not the same as before. I rub my flushed hands together. The Islands don't like us. We are like an ulcer on their body. We tried to move deeper into the mountains and fortify ourselves. Fifty of our men were killed in two days. A couple of detachments remained in the dense forests at the foot of the mountain, while the rest were scattered along the coasts hiding. We choose places so that we are not found for as long as possible. And it’s strange that the Fox ordered us to fortify ourselves here. But let hell be with it.

The sky has been cloudy all the time we've been here. Today, for the first time, I see the sun shining. Even now you can't see the sky — it's all white, with darker clouds floating across it. The horizon is dark-blue, grim, colliding with an even darker, colder sea. I look into the distance and for the first time I think that my sister must be dead. It scares so much. It's like I'm no longer a human being and I'm becoming a wolf, like all those people around me. That’s really scary. For some reason everything turns to be meaningless. No, I won't give them my soul. They took everything from me, but they won't get it. I will believe till the end. I will resist until I lose my mind. Why am I sitting now here with them, as if I really took their side?

It makes me feel sick. I kept hiding in their ranks and waiting for my sister to break out. Five years have passed. Time flies quickly, terribly, the further away, the more ghostly. I forget how it all happened, I forget why it happened, I forget what a mistake we made. I still think that I did everything right. I acted as I should. As well as I could. But for some reason, it all turned out to be really bad.

If I am the only one left here, who is still fighting, who still remembers that there were better, brighter times, if my sister is dead, and no one is fighting without her, isn't it time for me to get up? Isn't it time to remember who I was and how I was brought up, and what was on my mind before I got bogged down in this mire? I'm biting my lip nervously, they are already looking at me with suspicion.

What a coward I have become! Just thinking makes my temples sweat. I’m used to waiting for a miracle, but as soon as I imagined that I had to act myself, I shrank from fear and wanted to hide away. If only they didn't touch me, if only, if only... I did not to experience new horrors. You don't like me, do you? Despise? Look at me, all that is left of me is my skin, hanging on my bones! These wolves, damn them, have broken me so badly that none of my old friends would recognize me. But what good are these friends: they're either dead or they're first in line to take my head off.

I stand up from the log I've been sitting on all this time and feel my legs go numb. They are frozen to the bones. I stand still to stretch them a little. The two men sitting next to me look at me lazily.

— Where are you going? – Their cracked lips move, yellow teeth appear in between them. Those men probably don't like camp life either. And how long this will continue, no one knows.

— I'll go up to the river. There's one place I don't understand, I want to look at it.

— Don't run into anyone. We don't need you to bring the villagers here.

I nod. I don't get into fights, I don't get involved. Everything I have inside, I keep inside, and it’s a habit that has covered me like armor. I walk past the tents, from campfire to campfire, and turn onto the path that leads higher. I climb up and look back. Lights, trampled paths, people. I'm sick to death of such views. The further away from them, the better it is. I know I'll be back anyway. It's sickening. But the closer I get to them, the more I can learn about the outside world. I'm still waiting for news. At least one piece of news about my sister would be great. No one else will tell me. Only sitting by the fire I learn something new. Everyone in the outside world that I strive for hates me so much that they won't hesitate when they see me. They’ll kill me instantly. Here in the squads, I'm just one of hundreds. To the outside world, I stand in one line with the Fox. And he is happy for this — to keep a traitorous son and show everyone that even I recognized his power.

#story #story time #writer #writing #writing in quarantine #writings #writing inspiration #writers on tumblr #writers #writblr #house of wolves #part #dark #darkness #feelings

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zainbap · 7 years

Text

like autumn leaves, we fall

BangDae college/university AU • masterpost • AO3

words: 3079

part three

Saturdays, for some reason, become their thing.

Less than one week after Culture Night, the knot in Daehyun’s stomach is back. Exams are on Monday, and he’s behind on his reading. It’s like the balance he thought he’d found was nothing but a lie. Like he survived the first wave of a tsunami, but didn’t expect the second one. He sleeps badly, some nights not at all. Sometimes he has to choose between eating and sleeping, and most of the time he prioritizes sleep. He’s losing momentum.

He’d made plans to study all weekend in preparation for Monday, but those are immediately crushed when his roommates decide to throw a party at the dorm Friday night. The sound of people yelling and stomping down the hallway wasn’t even drowned out by the loud music, and Daehyun quickly gave up trying to read in his room. If he hadn’t been so stressed out, he probably would’ve joined the party — he can be a very social person when he wants to be. But instead he’d put his headphones in and curled up under the covers, and eventually managed to fall asleep.

Saturday morning he’d woken up early, while everyone was still sleeping off the booze, and had gotten in a few hours studying. But even that went to shit eventually, when the rest of the house woke up and immediately started plotting for the follow-up party.

Daehyun had packed his bag and left.

It’s gone colder now, the chilly autumn air smelling of dry leaves and apples. It’s still sunny, most days, and it takes Daehyun a while before he learns not to get tricked by the blue sky. It looks almost like summer, but the temperature keeps changing. Sometimes he wears a jacket in the morning, but gets home with it slung over his shoulder. Some days he leaves the jacket at home, and spends the whole day shivering from the cold wind blowing straight through his clothes.

He only brought a hoodie with him today, and he already regrets it on the bus. But the library is warm, and he shudders a little as soon as he walks in. Then nearly stops dead in his tracks.

Because Yongguk is behind the front desk, looking up as he comes in. Their eyes meet, and Yongguk smiles. It feels different now, after meeting last weekend. After having a meal together.

Daehyun had planned to just go straight for the table in the corner and hide from the world, but of course he can’t do that now. He reluctantly approaches the desk.

"Somehow you’re only here when I don’t want you to be," he mumbles, scratching the back of his neck

Yongguk raises his eyebrows.

"What?"

"Nothing," Daehyun says, shaking his head.

Yongguk studies him for a moment.

"I’m here every other Saturday," he says then, as if Daehyun had asked.

Dahyun blinks.

"Oh." He nods, feeling heat rise to his face. "Okay."

Yongguk smiles, amused, but then it fades.

"Are you okay?"

Daehyun inhales and exhales loudly, making it sound like a big, dramatic sigh.

"I feel like I’m going to explode," he admits. "We have our first exam on Monday, and I’m not prepared, and I can’t study at the dorm because my roommates are partying like there’s no tomorrow."

"Ah," Yongguk drawls, brows furrowed in sympathy.

Daehyun just sighs, shrugging.

"So I’m just… gonna sit here and read. Until the library closes, at least."

Yongguk nods slowly, looking like he wants to say something else but doesn’t know what. Daehyun feels awkward for putting him in that position. Again.

"Sorry," he sighs, frustrated. "It’s like— Every time we run into each other, all I do is complain."

Yongguk shakes his head, offering him a rueful smile.

"Hey, I get it. And it’s not your fault."

Daehyun winces.

"I could’ve planned my reading better. I just— I fell behind. I should’ve noticed."

"These things happen," Yongguk tells him, voice firm. Convincing. Daehyun’s heart flutters a little at the sound of it. "Especially in the beginning. Don’t beat yourself up about it."

"No. Right," Daehyun just agrees and nods curtly, not wanting to stand here and let Yongguk pity him anymore. "I’m just gonna get to work. I'll… be in the corner."

He feels embarrassed, walking away to settle down at the table in the corner. Embarrassed about not knowing how to talk to Yongguk after hanging out last weekend. He probably should’ve said something else, something more. But he’s feeling really low right now, and he hates that someone as well put together as Yongguk has to see him like this. He’d been so proud last week, when he thought he was starting to get the hang of it. Now he just feels like an idiot.

The next two hours till closing time drag by. Yongguk doesn’t leave his desk, to come talk to him, or offer him water, and Daehyun can’t decide whether he’s relieved or not. He gets a lot of reading done, and a good collection of organized notes scribbled down in his notebook.

It’s quiet, with only a handful other students spread out among the shelves. It’s peaceful, and Daehyun feels a lot better when packing up his things than he did when walking in.

He walks back to Yongguk’s desk when it’s just a few minutes till closing time, their eyes meeting instantly. Yongguk looks unsure how to greet him, and Daehyun doesn’t blame him. He offers a shy smile, and Yongguk quickly copies it.

"Got any work done?"

"Yeah," Daehyun sighs. "Not as much as I would’ve liked. But."

They glance up at the clock at the same time. 4 PM. Daehyun thinks about how they’ve probably started drinking again back at the dorm already. Last night there had been a herd of guests arriving around this time. He sighs internally, racking his mind for ideas of where to go now. Maybe the central library further downtown. He’s pretty sure it’s open a couple more hours.

"Have you ever tried reading or writing in a coffee shop?"

Daehyun blinks, looking back to Yongguk who’s eyeing him expectantly.

"No?" He says, making it sound like a question. "I… can’t imagine that being a good idea? With all the people and noise and… stuff."

Yongguk shrugs, looking down briefly as he packs his own bag and grabs a set of keys from the desk.

"I do it a lot," he says. "I think it’s nice. You sort of filter out the noise."

He fumbles with the keys in his hands. If Daehyun didn’t know better, he’d say he looked nervous.

"There’s a nice place just around the corner," he says finally. "I’m just heading there now, actually, to get some studying done. My sister’s got Tigger today, so." He glances up, offering Daehyun a smile. "You wanna come with me?"

Daehyun hasn’t been to many coffee shops in his life, but the one Yongguk takes him to makes a warm, cozy feeling settle in his gut the moment he walks in. It smells of sugar, coffee, and cinnamon.

His stomach growls lowly when get to stand in line, spotting the baking goods next to the counter. Yongguk must have noticed, because he smiles, and Daehyun blushes darkly. He’s only had a small breakfast before leaving the dorm.

The barista greets Yongguk with a wide smile, and it quickly dawns on Daehyun that the two of them know each other. He glances at the name tag. Sungwon. He’s wearing a pink apron, which somehow goes really well with his pastel mint green hair. His bare arms are covered in colorful flower patterns, the tattoos reaching all the way down past his wrists. He seems like a happy guy, and while Daehyun usually feels awkward when talking to people across a counter, Sungwon makes him smile.

"You know, Bbang," he says while pouring Yongguk his coffee. "You should bring friends with you more often. Human company, you know. It’s good for you."

Yongguk huffs, seemingly embarrassed as he shakes his head. Daehyun watches the tip of his ears go pink. It’s really cute.

"I thought ‘Bbang’ was Junhong's thing," he points out, amused.

Sungwon laughs, carefree and loud.

"Honestly, I don’t remember who came up with it first," the barista admits. He hands Yongguk his cup and starts making Daehyun’s vanilla latte. "But we’re all in on it. It’s too great not to be."

Yongguk rolls his eyes. Daehyun can’t help but smile even wider. It feels special, to see Yongguk with friends that aren’t Junhong. To meet them when being in Yongguk’s company.

"Speaking of bread," Sungwon continues when handing Daehyun his cup. "You want anything?"

He gestures to the pastry showcase next to him. Daehyun’s eyes immediately land on the strawberry cheesecake, but he shakes his head. He doesn’t like to eat sweats in front of people — especially not when he's the only one doing it. He’s not sure why, it just makes him feel insecure.

Yongguk shoots him a glance, and for a moment Daehyun expects him to protest, but he says nothing.

"Alright," Sungwon says, grinning. "Good luck studying, you two."

They thank him and step away from the counter, Daehyun following Yongguk over to a table next to the windows. Judging by how he made a direct beeline for it, Daehyun gets the feeling it’s Yongguk’s usual spot. He smiles at the thought.

"Is he a close friend of yours?" He asks as they sit down opposite each other.

Yongguk nods.

"Old friend. Yeah."

Daehyun hums, looking back to where Sungwon is greeting the next costumer with a grin just as blinding as the one he and Yongguk had received. He wonders if he knows this girl, too.

"He’s nice," he says.

Yongguk is smiling at him when Daehyun looks back again, and it makes his heart flutter.

"Yeah, he’s great," he agrees fondly.

He pauses for a moment, looking thoughtful, before adding:

"Sometimes I think about how two people can ruin each other’s day, without either of them meaning to. Without them being bad people. Maybe one of them was just having a really bad day, or maybe both of them did. Like… a person you run in to on the street, or a barista. If someone is acting bitter or rude, maybe they don’t mean to be. Maybe they’re not usually like that, they’re just dealing with some shit, but you don’t know that, because you only meet them for those few seconds of your life."

He looks back at Sungwon behind the counter, who’s just handing the girl her latte.

"Sungwon gets that," Yongguk hums. "I’ve seen a lot of retail and service workers who just… match their attitude with the costumer’s, which often just makes for an uncomfortable and awkward conversation. Sungwon doesn’t do that. He tries really hard to just… make someone’s day." He shrugs, turning back to Daehyun. "I think it’s great."

Daehyun blinks, surprised. He’s not sure what to say.

"Wow," he says finally. "That's… an awfully interesting thought."

Yongguk chuckles, looking somewhat embarrassed, but nods.

"Quiet people have the loudest minds."

Daehyun arches an eyebrow over his cup, swallowing a big sip of hot coffee.

"Who said that?"

"Stephen Hawkins."

Daehyun hums, taking a moment to ponder, and Yongguk lets him.

"Sounds like it fits you," he says honestly. Carefully. Hoping he’s not coming across as rude. "I’m not sure about me though. My mind is always loud, but I can be loud, too. When I’m excited or… among people I know." He feels awkward saying it, awkward for pointing out that the two of them don’t really know each other. But Yongguk doesn’t look offended by the reminder. "I don’t think quotes like that should define you."

Yongguk nods, looking thoughtful for a second.

"You’re right," he says. The corner of his mouth twitches. "That’s a new quote to live by."

Daehyun huffs.

"Write it down, so you don’t forget," he jokes.

"I’m gonna print it out and put on my wall," Yongguk assures him, grinning.

Daehyun laughs, and it’s as if something loosens up inside him. It feels good, to laugh. He can’t remember when he last did it properly. When feeling this comfortable, and not just doing it to fit in among his classmates while working on group projects or getting drunk at the bar.

He laughs when he’s with Junhong and Jongup, but he hasn’t had time to hang out with them properly in weeks. They’re both so busy, and have plenty of other friends from school. And Daehyun knew that, before moving here. He knew they wouldn’t be able to hang out with him every single day. But it still hurts, thinking about it. About how lonely he still feels, even after being here a month. He misses Youngjae. He misses being surrounded by people he knows and loves.

He feels a sudden lump form in his throat, and he swallows thickly around it. Yongguk seems to notice the change in him, because his grin goes stiff before it falls away.

"I’m sorry," Daehyun says, before Yongguk can even ask. He looks back down at his coffee, circling the paper cup in his hands just to have something to do. "I’m a mess today."

"That’s okay," Yongguk says, voice gentle. Daehyun doesn’t trust himself to look back up, but he can imagine the kind look on Yongguk’s face. He always looks so kind. "Do you— Do you want me to go?"

Daehyun immediately shakes his head, finally lifting his head to meet Yongguk’s concerned gaze. His hates how fragile he feels.

"I skipped my first class this week," he blurts out. "And I know that’s not, like, a huge deal or anything. But I’m just scared it’ll start a chain reaction or something. That I’m going to skip a lot of them, because I’m so tired. I’m always so tired. And hungry. And—"

Lonely.

He shakes his head, pressing his lips together. Here I go again.

Yongguk’s expression only grows deeper with concern. But it doesn’t feel as condescending as Daehyun had expected it to. Maybe because he knows Yongguk struggled, too, a few years ago. Maybe because they’ve talked about this before, and it felt alright.

"I think you need to give yourself a break," Yongguk says after a moment. His voice isn’t harsh, exactly, but it’s something. Something that makes Daehyun listen. "You’re stressing yourself out when you don’t need to. Everyone will fall behind. Everyone will mess up. That doesn’t mean you’re screwed, or that you can’t find your footing again. It’s never too late, until you just give up."

Daehyun nods, dropping his gaze back on the table again. He tries really hard to take it in, to believe that what Yongguk is saying is true.

"There’s a guy in my class who failed every single exam during his first semester," Yongguk goes on. "Everyone thought he was gonna drop out and give up, himself included, but he didn’t. He just needed some time to find study methods that worked for him, and once he did, he caught up."

Daehyun purses his lips, feeling a small spark of hope in his chest from hearing that. He lifts his gaze to meet Yongguk’s eyes again.

"Thank you," he murmurs, honestly.

Yongguk gives him a simple nod, smiling faintly.

"Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve only been here a month. It’s not too late to catch up."

Daehyun lets out a long breath, nodding to himself. Yongguk is right. He’s just… been so caught up in his own expectations. Everything is so new, so alien. But that doesn’t mean he’ll never get used to it. He just needs to learn how to find time for everything. Learn what routines work in this brand new life. And it’s overwhelming, realizing just what a change everything is, but he knows he can do it.

He straightens his back a little and reaches for his bag.

"Okay, let’s get to work."

As it turns out, Daehyun can study really well while sitting in a coffee shop.

After only few minutes the sounds around him turn into a comfortable background noise, one that doesn’t distract him while reading paragraph after paragraph. He’s pulled out of his bubble every time he reaches for his coffee to take a sip, briefly observing Yongguk being equally immersed in his own books in front of him, but it’s easy to get back to it. He looks over to Sungwon a handful of times, and is always met by a grin. It’s cozy and comfortable.

When Yongguk tells him the cafe is about to close, several hours later, it’s way past sundown. It’s gone dark outside the windows, and Daehyun really wishes he’d brought a jacket with him. They pack up their things, and throw away their empty cups.

Daehyun is starving, and he’s not looking forward to go back to the dorm, but he’s feeling at peace. He happily waves at Sungwon as they step out, promising to come back soon.

Once outside, Daehyun shoves his hands inside his pockets and bunches up his shoulders, as the cold wind blows straight through his hoodie.

"You better head home," Yongguk tells him, his tone close to a chuckle.

Daehyun huffs, nodding.

"Yeah." He looks down, awkwardly scraping his foot on the asphalt. "Thank you, for today," he says, looking back up with a flush spreading on his cheeks. "You didn’t have to bring me along, but I had a really good time. So."

Yongguk smiles brightly. He looks beautiful.

"I wanted to," he says honestly. "And I’m glad if I could help, somehow."

"You did," Daehyun hurries to say, nodding. "Thank you. I’ll… remember what you said."

Yongguk nods, still smiling. He opens his mouth, hesitating for a moment, before speaking again.

"If you want to, we could keep doing this. Meet here, I mean. And study. I do it almost every weekend. Usually Sundays, when I don’t have work."

Daehyun’s heart skips a beat.

"I’d like that," he says, voice close to a squeak.

Yongguk grins, ducking his head down a little as he nods. He’s got a beanie cover the tips of his ears, but Daehyun still pictures them going slightly pink like before.

"Alright. So. See you tomorrow? I’ll be here around noon."

Daehyun nods, breath hitching.

"Sure. Yeah. I’ll be here."

Yongguk gives him another gummy smile as he waves goodbye.

#bangdae #b.a.p #my writing #read to find out why i haven't updated this earlier #basically #lmao #no rly tho i'm sorry for how delayed this is

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