#i'm always full of ideas all of the time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

iguessitsjustme · 9 months

Text

Choose Your Own BL Adventure - Day 24

Options:

Laugh and walk back to the table, away from the mistletoe. Join your friends and enjoy the rest of your evening laughing and talking.

Stand there awkwardly and wait to see if anyone stands up to join you.

Walk to where Gelt is sitting, pull him up and back to the mistletoe with you.

Panic and run away back to the bathroom. Splash water on your face a few times before you go back out to your friends. Avoid walking under the mistletoe this time.

Day 23 here.

#2023 choose your own bl adventure #today's the last poll!#i did it i made it all the way through #tomorrow i will post the end of the story #merry christmas to everyone i hope you have a wonderful day #to all who celebrate and all who don't #this was a lot of work but i had fun and i'm glad i got to do it with y'all #i have a sliiiiiiiight idea for something else i can do but i make no promises #anyway i am for sure not doing this again next year but i have a sort of idea for next year too #i'm always full of ideas all of the time #it's like an idea machine in my noggin #posting this now because I have to go to church and I don’t think I’ll have internet there #I just realized I didn’t add an poll option for 4 oops #let me know if I need to repost this

4 notes · View notes

oceans-beloved · 2 months

Text

Meme dump yayyy🥳✨️

(off to make more now muhahaha >:3)

#SIGH WHERE HAD LILI DISAPPEARED TO THIS TIME? TSK TSK SMH 😔#Now now my dearest darling loyal subjects fret not~!!#your beloved princess shall answer all your worries away ~★#mwah mwah~<3 #heh~🤭🩷#Soooo updated time!!! >_<#I'm on a road trip halfway across the country rn (was a fun bad idea..my cousins and I nearly had a heat stroke TWICE but it's soo worth it #...I'll hopefully be back by tonight because it's my grandfather's birthday tomorrow and we're planning a surprise party for him #Muhahaha >:3 #* happy dances*#Anyways I had time to kill between crying while playing mystic messenger together with my cousin #(I'm making her do Saeran's route sjbqbjjbqjbqbj9ioqjqhiqohwu9wh9uwub I LOVE HIM I ADORE HIM HE WAS THE FIRST CHARACTER I EVER WANTED TO #MARRY HE IS SO DREAM HUSBAND CODED SIJSB8YWBUW MY POOR POOR SWEET ANGEL BABY YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER #THE WORLD DOES NOT DESERVE YOU AAHHHIHSIHAIJIAJ AND OMG HIS ENDING SONG IT ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY SJOBSOJHJSH0SSUS0SSHU0IS0HISH0IS0JHSHJS0HIS0 #EVEN IF YOU WERE AN EXPIRED LOLIPOP I'D STILL EAT YOU!! I'D ALWAYS EAT YOU AND ONLY YOU NO MATTER WHAT #I-I MEAN PICK YOU!!! I'D ALWAYS PICK YOU NO MATTER WHAT!! NOT TO SAY THAT I WOULDN'T CANNIBALISE YOU!!#GIVE ME THE CHANCE AND I'D LICK YOU UP I WON'T LEAVE A SINGLE DROP BEHIND O-OF THE LOLIPOP OF OFC NOT TO SAY I WOULDN'T DO THE SAME IF IT #WAS HIS C- I'LL STOP MUST CONTROL I CAN'T WRITE ESSAYS HERE OF HOW MUCH I LOVE AND WANT SAERAN AHHHH MY HEART🥺🩷🩷😭😭)#*cough cough*sooo anywho I'm normal now dw!!😇✨️ (/lie)#and us reading ORV (I'm on chapter 340 something rn and kdj is kdj and i just want to soksjnss9hsj9sbu that stupid squid (/affectionate)#and if I start ranting rn it would never end...#so expect like a 80000 words essay when I'm done with the full novel🫠)#I cleared out my phone gallery yayyy heh🥳🤭 and found so many RH memes that I never posted lmao #Oh!!! And I've noticed something even though I'm a Vin girly through and through #(as evidenced by the fact that my blog is quite literally a shrine to him)#I always end up making Crux memes more...That stupid green onion clown you're so easy to love😔🩷#Anyways Lili out now mwah mwah mwah 🩷🩷🫂✨️#♡{reanimated heart}♡#reanimated heart #reanimatedheart

70 notes · View notes

vargaslovinghours · 5 months

Photo

And never let you go ♥

Bonus without the overspill lighting:

#💟#Digital art #Full Art #Art #Edgar #Scriabin #It's that time of year again where I get real sappy about Vargas ♥ Because yes! Once again it is my own personal Vargasversary! 🎊 Yaaaay #Seven years now - I don't know what to do with seven years it feels like a hard to define number haha #Right in the middle between five years and ten years! A while to be certain but hard to define as a Long Time either hmm #Well whatever it doesn't matter <3 The important part is that I still love Vargas and them very much ♥♪#I actually didn't really have any specific plans for this Vargasversary :0 I haven't been drawing them much again #Other things have drawn my focus and attention hehe ♪#So I just kinda set my hand loose - no sketches on paper no defined idea - this is just what my hand/brain came up with in the moment #I'm pleased :) I think it accurately expresses how I feel about them hehe <3 #I wrote down what ended up being the text/caption a couple months ago while I was in Big Love in their direction #I don't remember what inspired it anymore other than just - They ♥ Themst ♥ Do love them <3 #I've planned my next reread now ♪ Barring anything drastic (like an update lol) I know when I'll be rereading next #I'm looking forward to it! :D As always hehe <3 #It's still a bit a ways off which works well for recharging :)#And of course I'll be doing my usual in the meanwhile - this and the main anniversary and my sketchdumps and Requestober haha #The caption is as much me as it is Edgar after all <3 #Even quiet and sleeping I still find them as a comfort - a place I find rest and joy in ♥#Inspiring and lovely and wonderful - pretty and tender and dear!#Oh and #Always finding a way to flip up the bottom of the shirt #Hehe <3

129 notes · View notes

cowardlykrow · 6 months

Text

After Cyn's done tryna kill him, she'll eventually relent and they can get to work... whatever that is. I didn't do the outfit any justice, but the second i saw the Cowboy!Curt mega @ricky-mortis made i was literally like, "yes, that is IT."

This is, in my heart, a cannon fit for this au

#And if you disagree... well i cant hear you #K but i really am bad at clothes lol! and this weird pose kinda threw me off pretty hard so i will also blame that...#but i will do better next time #I am again letting people know his horse is 100% named after Cynthia because of the occasional attempts on his life 👍#I think i'll dub this a Try hard Doodle because thats what it is actually #and now for me talking way to much in that tags because i'm a terror:#I was going to pair this with another drawing that actually features curtwen btw #but my wrist said “No”#so maybe tomorrow?#(also... i have never actually drawn a person ON a horse before so this was really weird to do #this was actually a full body image... and then i halved it but then i couldn't do his foot? so i halved it again!)#Saf #spies are forever #cowboys are forever #<- WOULD watch the shit outta that [laughing at the idea of all the songs made really really country]#Cowboys your spies #Also some fun but also pretty dumb Au stuff: my vers of this au has always taken place in the wildwest in my head #so around 1865 to 1895 #Art #and finally... OTL when the horse is better then the human #is the fact i drew animals for a majority of my life really obvious yet

140 notes · View notes

sysig · 2 years

Photo

A very normal scientist doing very normal gene splicing experiments (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Handplates #Gaster #Wobbledogs #Sometimes media flooding bleeds over into other interests at the same time and yes that is my only justification for this lol #I'm always most amused by the sequence of things lol - I'd already started in on Handplates again but then got very diverted by Wobbledogs #Which is especially weird to me because I was introduced to the game like half a year ago and it didn't really grab me #It's cute but eh it's fine - and then I watched a proper lightly edited playlist not like jumpcut-jumpcut-jumpcut #That can make for a very punchy one-off but it doesn't really reflect the gameplay loop #So actually getting to see it properly made the difference and I kinda Get It now and also kinda want to own the game lol #MeanWhile - Ghoster's been hanging out as my desktop buddy literally /while/ watching and I was getting new ideas on that front #They smushed together lol #Having him onscreen is just a good excuse to do a quick once-over style of study and follow some silly ideas haha #What would Gaster think of a progressive mutation type game ♪ Watching them grow watching them struggle to walk #Only uses the scold feature - or the worse option that he treats the dogs better than the skelebros noooo haha #Pretty much all of the creatures in Undertale are sentient to some degree aren't they :0 Wobbledogs are just dogs #They're not monsters but they're not humans but they're not exactly just dogs either - just little creachurs haha #It's fun to imagine him nurturing anyone or anything haha ♪ Goes from ''???'' to ''How can I help this reach their full potential''#Whatever ''potential'' means in his own context hehe #It's cute in its own way

827 notes · View notes

twilights-stuff · 8 months

Text

Currently working on a Gravity Falls au rn but life got in the way and it's gonna take some time to finish. But, I couldn't wait on showing it so here's a little sneak peak.

Introducing my Gravity Falls! Celestial Au in which Stan is a sun god and goes by Phoebus (epithet of Apollo in mythology) and Ford is a moon god and goes by Mene (epithet of Selene in mythology).

This is only a small fraction of this au for I have a whole plot and art planned for this that I had been and still working on for quite some time. (Though I am not sure time and my lack of resources would allow it but regardless I'll still go for it.)

Sidenote: I would like to thank @elishevart for listening to my ramblings for this au. Your support helped and encouraged me so much and I am very much grateful to you.

93 notes · View notes

skwivr · 10 hours

Text

-

#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling #every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair #i am really struggling this time #every day is a struggle to get through #i'm losing my hair #i'm losing my reasons to live #i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human #i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke #i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart #whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor #and that i should do some shit to make me happy #and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids #for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon #like this isn't a way to live a life #i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy #i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point #i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over #if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there #i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something #i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me #i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager #i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes #and i want the will to actually get up in the morning #i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better #but i realize now they won't #i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them #i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh #and no one's coming to save me #i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody #is this how it's supposed to be

11 notes · View notes

lunaetis · 6 days

Text

𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬.

some say dreams were a piece of the past you longed for, some say they were the future that had yet to be realized, and some say dreams were realities ... the ones where things were both the same and different from the one you have right now. realities where your mind is connected to yourself and seeing what could've been.

there were frequency overlapping with his ( @memovia ). the rover had made this conclusion after a few observations when his mind seemed to drift into slumber. when those striking hues disappeared behind the lids, and his consciousness slowly sank deeper into rest, there were noises she could hear when she approached him.

yinyue couldn't make out what that frequency was, but it felt both familiar and foreign all at the same time.

he was resting, and the air about him should've been QUIET and calm, however, his wave was fluctuating, it was as though he was completely awake — as though his FORTE was being activated and she could feel it ... the way the room temperature began to drop ... his dark brows furrowed and fingers curled into fists ... gripping, groaning ...

" zayne ... — " she was by his side now, partially gloved digits taking hold of his hand and feeling the ICE starting to prick at her skin. a quiet wince but she wasn't letting go. her free hand came to his form, shaking him slightly to wake him from what she assumed was a nightmare. he was mumbling something, and the AIR started to cool.

" zayne ... wake up ... zayne ...! " no matter how many times she called out his name, his eyes remained close. panic started to settle in, and the frost that ate into her palm became worse. further, deeper ... his body began to thrash about and she could hear his voice, breaking, shattered ... he sounded hopeless, he sounded as though his own heart was ripped from his chest and his fingers attempted to dig themselves right into his own palm. as though he wanted to draw his own blood, and her hand blocked it even if that meant the ICE was sinking its biting fangs right onto her skin.

the frequency was getting louder, louder ... and she made out one word.

kill —

her arms came around him at that single word, heedless of the glacio power starting to manifest around them. her smaller limbs coiled around his frame, refusing to let go. it felt as though something was pulling him away, as though he was going to go somewhere she cannot follow. no ... anything but that.

the thought of losing him was unbearable to her.

" 黎深 ... 请回来... "

a plead ...

when those beautiful eyes finally reopened, yinyue ended up staring at him as though she was the one who woke up from a bad dream. she grasped his hand, placing a kiss to his palm before burying her face into his chest and exhaled shakily in relief. her digits that clutched at his back was trembling slightly. yinyue didn't know what happened, she didn't know what had kept his mind from returning but he was back ... he was back now ... it was only a dream ...

" don't go anywhere i can't follow ... "

#memovia #.memory fragments #.[ yinyue | rover ]#[ i NEED TO FIND A TAG FOR THEM #okay i promise the next time i'm writing them it'd be full fluff #i HAD AN IDEA OKAY IT WAS SOFTER THAN THIS #I DUNNO HJLKHKJLK IT GOT AWAY FROM ME & IT BECAME MORE FEELS THAN FLUFF #AND IT'S A BIT ALL OVER THE PLACES PLS FORGIVE ME HJKLHJLK #NEXT ONE IS GONNA BE FLUFF ! I PROMISEEEE ]#.[ in my dreams; it's always you: zayne & yinyue ]

3 notes · View notes

akai-anna · 2 months

Text

Hmm... I have a feeling that people follow me for a very specific topic.🤔

#la junk talks #i love how. when there are spikes in my activity #it is almost always detco related lmao #also today one person found some of my personal detco posts (aka non-reblogs/original posts)#you have my heart and i truly hope you'll have fun!!!#there is a lot more in my head that is detco related (mostly art ideas and rants) and i'M workin' on getting it out into the wild (dumblr)#but time is so little and i hate it curse the universe #anyone wants to pay me full-time for creating DCMK related stuff? no? what a shame #(i feel that this also applies to many of my friends. someone pay us all for the creation for that detco stuff)

4 notes · View notes

nerdyfangirlingbooks · 3 months

Text

Every now and then I remember the times I would mention to my flatmate that I was thinking of buying myself something reasonably expensive (that I had been eyeing up for months and had budgeted for) and she'd tell me that I shouldn't spend that much money on something I didn't need and it would be stupid etc etc while she regularly impulse bought things that cost at least as much and she would use once (while complaining that she was under a lot of financial stress and couldn't afford <$3/week for 2 months for a rental washing machine when ours broke). She is... perhaps not my first call for financial advice

#like I get that you're financially stressed but also it feels a bit rich to complain about it when you're on student allowance (not loan)#and your parents still contribute to things for you even though allowance is supposed to be for people whose parents can't afford to help #and you get multiple scholarships a year even though you're technically not eligible for half of them anymore but then as soon as the money #comes in from those you spend it all on a brand new dress for your sister's hen's do picnic because you can't wear the same dress as you #will for the actual hen's night or the wedding. Better buy a full price one at an expensive store instead of looking in a single op shop or #borrowing one from one of your three sisters who are all roughly the same size #god life must be so tough for you getting the same amount of money as the rest of us on student loan except you only have to pay back half #like the only money you have to live off is the same as what the rest of us get + scholarships (plural) plus what you earnt in your summer #internship? how could you possibly survive??#anyway I am NOT a fan of people who are like 'oh you say you have no money for rent but you have a phone?' because that's bullshit #and the whole 'millenials need to stop eating avocado toast so they can buy a house' thing is also bullshit #however. If you pay $60/week for a gym when you have access to the free uni one (or any other gym in the country is like $20)#and you buy uber eats multiple times a week for like $30+ each time despite having a premade meal in the fridge. and you get multiple #scholarships which mean you are arguably among the more well off students. AND you impulse buy things that cost over $100 regularly #then maybe the problem is not that you don't have enough money to split the rental costs of a washing machine (<$3 each/week)#maybe you are just bad with money #which is fine like it's not like it's unfixable it's just annoying when you act like you're worse off than people whose only money is what #they get from student loan each week so they eat beans on rice for dinner for a week #because that's all they could afford (yes I know people who did this. Yes she complained more than them)#so no I don't think I'm gonna be taking financial advice from you babes because one of us has entertained the idea of a budget to help with #finances and it's not you xx #(she turned down offers of financial help/advice/books to borrow from multiple people multiple times. I 100% get that you might not want to #talk to people about it especially your friends but we had multiple books on finances lying around the flat which she always said she didn't #need. And then she'd continue to complain that she didn't have enough money #god forbid you suggest something like going to a cheaper gym (or worse. The perfectly fine free uni gym!)#again. Her gym cost $60/week for most of last year until they brought in a student discount which was 'only' $45/week #the next most expensive gym chain I can find costs maybe $30/week for the highest membership level #to get what she was getting she would only need like a $20 membership #BUT to be fair she wouldn't get such strong culty vibes at any other gym #lol anyway sorry for the rant. I could keep going but apparently you can only have 30 tags and this is the last one

2 notes · View notes

sysig · 3 months

Photo

By the skin of your teeth (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #DAX #ZEX #Pyramid Head #The Captain #Blood #The cuts themselves are just black and white because I'm controlling myself lol - clearly not That much with the rest but hey!#Still it is a very nasty cut for how nonchalantly I've drawn them all haha - ZEX's back too he's just facing forward #I also momentarily forgot that he was in his uniform it's fine don't worry about it lol #All these speculations on where and how about the injuries and then just - What Uniform That I Am Enamoured By? Haha #I've done the same thing with DAX I keep forgetting about his poor ankle and then it comes up and I'm like ''Oh yeah haha I knew that''#How are some details so sticky and others so smoke-like! Some stay in my brain and others - pffbtl how silly #All the same it's still the Funnest Fun <3 #There's something so Extra delightful to have Seen a setpiece - an object - an idea - and then get to interact with it <3 <3 #Hitting Pyramid Head with Zelnick's frying pan! Forget PH I can't believe we had the budget for the skillet's appearance fee ♪♫ Hehehe #No but honestly Pyramid Head was incredible ✨ Wonderfully scary and distressing and tense and full of fallout! Terrible things!! ♪♫#I've never drawn him before so it was interesting! :0 His appearance in SH2 looks all squished #Like his belly is jutting out across from a broken spine! Quite spooky #I don't think I fully managed to capture that - kinda just looks like his hip bones are very prominent hehe - but maybe some other time :)#I hope they don't run into him again - for their sake tho haha ♪#DAX continually pulling ZEX behind him to try and protect him (and failing) was something I really Had to put to paper <3 #As well as snuggles!! Even before they got Really hurt I was like Oh everyone needs hugs so bad :'0 And they do!! They need so many hugs!#Maybe especially Zelnick poor Captain :'0 Give this boy a break #The injuries are more of a self-guide hehe I'm not sure how accurate they are - they Feel accurate based on handedness et al #I was the least sure for Zelnick since he got tossed (poor thing!) but at least bruises are always fun to draw hehe #The return of my rainbow bruises lol - I only use three colours they're just so vibrant!#DAX trying so~ hard not to be taken in hehe what could these feelings be! Familiarly repressed? No surely not ♪#Be nice ♫

16 notes · View notes

my5hiningstars · 3 months

Text

.

#i know i won't shut up abt 5sos but the real question is will i ever go to a better gig than darren criss in [redacted] 2023 #like i didn't even know half his songs before i went and i still had the best time i've ever had at a gig #literally the energy in that room was insane #and like... better than any gig i've ever been to in melbourne like #smth about being in a smaller place that artists don't often come to Especially not internation acts #everyone was so like... polite?#like they were doing concert so well they weren't being assholes and yelling when it wasn't their turn :')#which is so annoying i hate when a crowd is so roudy that it feels like a classroom and the teacher is waiting for everyone to shut up #like we can still have a good time if u respect the fact that some of us are spending hundreds even just Getting here #idk maybe i'm a music snob i just think there's something so magical in a quiet room full of people #like when something really beautiful has happened you can sit in it for a second #the pressure to cheer like... the idea that a moment of silence will somehow offend the artist who created the moment #i tried to find another concert on the tour where the crowd was as in the moment as we were for the line #'i believe there is music in the silence' and then he like #puts the guitar down and heads to the piano to do the rest #but it was so gorgeously quiet it was breathtaking i cried #it might have helped that he played the first half entirely accoustically no mic no amps #bc the venue was small enough and also designed to amplify naturally #but we all had to be so quiet to make sure everyone heard it so it just #the music hung in the air so magically y'all art is so good i'm still crying nothing will ever beat that concert i'm still chasing that hig #luke was nearly that magical but tbh..... the audience kinda ruined it for me at times :/#also he was nervous and kept cutting off the moment by saying 'thank you' like we get it ur a humble king but like #you have to let a song like place in me Breathe when it's done #you have to give the crowd a chance to go holy fucking shit what the fuck and THEN start screaming and Then thank them #but i'm truly such a snob it's the worst #honestly thinking abt how those lads are always improving tho he'll get there #by the time he's darren criss' age he'll be killing it even more they all will

2 notes · View notes

britneyshakespeare · 3 months

Text

i finished the merry wives of windsor today btw. 4 shakespeare plays left to go

#tales from diana #i'm in a pickle bc i've been burning through the remainders in the last year or so in a way that makes me... melancholic #i didnt hate merry wives even though i wasn't looking forward to it for a very long time bc i knew it was mostly prose #im neither a big falstaff fan (im sorry) not do i get the most charm from shakespeare from his prose #but admittedly it was still rather enjoyable as a comedy. you dont get a lot of fake cuckoldry plots from shakespeare specifically #not in comedy certainly! so i enjoyed the trickery of it #not the worst shakespeare play as far as pure entertainment value at all. nothing's as boring as henry viii #that one was a big disappointment #i have one play in each category left (counting the romances as their own category) (and counting kinsmen as his work)#coriolanus. king john. measure for measure actually! and two noble kinsmen #i know a lot about measure for measure already i just have never read it in full. twelfth night was like that as a reading experience too #i wasn't in a rush to get to it but in the case of measure. i wanted to get merry wives out of the way first #and leave my last pure comedy to be something i would almost certainly enjoy more #now im kind of in a pickle bc i feel the ecstasy of being tempted to just finish the complete plays already #but i also wanna pace myself and read other things #i kinda have this idea of what if i saved the last 4 to read in 2025? but we're not even halfway through 2024 #i dont have that kinda patience #maybe ill reread some old favorites in the meantime or something. idk #i dont think i mentioned it on here but i got the rsc complete works second edition from 2022 #last month! bc my riverside is in delicate condition. but i switched back between the two when reading merry wives #i just couldnt help it. i miss my mother. it's always going to be the most personally comfortable book for me to read from #i read the majority of these plays in that volume. that book TAUGHT ME to read shakespeare #but i need to be strong and i also enjoy comparative literary studies and a more recent book has a lot to offer #im yammering on to myself incoherently im sure nobody really cares what im saying. even i dont! ok goodbye goodnight

2 notes · View notes

giftedpoison · 4 months

Text

thinking about how the other day I felt happiness for the first time in a long time (like happiness about where I am at in life and joy for my future plans. Like I was working 8-4:30 and I was thinking about how I was going to do a few ubereats runs until 6ish after and then come home and get to write and crack open my kung fu binder again that I've been working with to prove to myself I'm ready to go back)

usually I just feel content at like a 5 sometimes if I go to a concert or whatever it can get up to 6,7,8. but that's it

and I have that persistent depression disorder. that i never remember how to spell.

So you can imagine my surprise when i genuinely just felt happy and at peace? And i had mania by fob album stuck in my head. life was good.

I then got sucker punched by my physical health symptoms that were really bad and almost collapsed and could not hold myself up so I was leaning on a cart not moving when it hit 4:30. And did not do anything that I planned to after work because of it.

BUT

the key is i felt happiness for the first time in forever.

#and the thing is I think it was because I finally decided it might be time for me to go back to kung fu after taking a year and a half off #because I quit because I couldn't get myself to go to lessons and then I also couldn't get myself to practice outside of class #PLUS at the time I had just started medication for my panic attacks had recently developed a tic disorder #and was working at a job that was slowly killing me #and I was really just trying to figure my shit out #(the last day I was really able to meaningfully attend was for my belt test that I passed but I had a massive panic midway through because #I had also started zoloft that day and it didn't occur to me taking a kung fu test designed to mimic a fight and breed endurance in a fight #aka get my heartrate up would be a bad idea with starting zoloft designed to slow my heart rate)#but the thing about kung fu is it was always something that brought so much joy and happiness #if I was struggling to get there I'd come home and be so energized and excited and happy #and I think I'm finally in a place where I can have it back? (idk juries still out on the health issues)#because I spent all of 2023 working on myself and my mental health and I quit my old job this past september #and I have a new job #plus a direction in life??? like I'm stage managering for some bands at a fest #and then later stage managering for a renn faire #while I'm working part time at target #and finally retail isn't my main gig (i used to be full time) but the side gig to take me where I want to go #And like recently I ran into someone from kung fu while I was working and they were so excited to see me #and I want to go back so bad because it's nice to know that she and a couple other people (she mentioned I was brought up recently) still #remember me and wonder where I went even a year and a half later

2 notes · View notes

moe-broey · 2 months

Text

Why did I start like three other projects when I was already working on a big project when I just got hit with the autism exhaustion beam (requires. At least One Full Day just dead in bed, and then some more Taking It Easy time after)

#i don't even know what prompted it...#hit w a vision. not enough time to execute it. hit w a vision. too tired to execute it.#i guess technically it was just two huh. but all the moving parts made the other one feel like two in and of itself #oh. now i remember there was another shitpost behind it. i just. didn't get to.#thinking about bruno... thinking about anna... thinking about the fairies... thinking about mirabilis specifically actually #she gets the short end of the stick characterization wise and it's such a shame.#to the point where i was unsure what to do w her... i think i got some ideas rattling around though #I CAN... GIVE HER.... SO MUCH MORE.... without changing too much about her. i just need to extrapolate.#hits her w the disability beam. idk if it's also autism but she has some sort of chronic condition #that just makes you. so tireds. moe and mira shaking hands. let's lay down and rest together.#also thinking about the subtle differences between a full dream and a daydream... between sleeping and just resting #and. making her kitty coded. she is such a kitten pile type girl. she is such a lap cat. queen of catnapping #which i'm thinking works really well w peony and even sharena. not so much moe though 😭💔#i want to capture a playful side. and maybe even a 'i'm still figuring out how i feel about that' side to her #like... i'm imagining peony as someone who's surprisingly insightful and emotionally intelligent.#she's got it all figured out. she already knows. she's not always right. but she tends to know what's up #i'm thinking... maybe mira isn't quite there yet. or struggles to see outside of herself. for obvious/understandable reasons #but she has that unwavering desire for joy and comfort the way peony does. she may feel a pang of jealousy here and there #but it doesn't get in the way of her goals and wants for others. which may be the defining factor actually #like obviously this could get messy if you simplify it too much into 'good' or 'bad'. bc all these girls are DIRECT reflections #of each one's trauma response. assigning morality to that is fucked up. but for story purposes... maybe freyja/freyr did. to a degree.#bc maybe they're flawed and fucked up too. it's about The Cycles. i'm getting so lost in the sauce though LMFAOO #i am GOING to do SOMETHING. for mirabilis. mark my fucking words.

6 notes · View notes

sherlock-is-ace · 5 months

Text

.

#welcome to another installment of: angel spits out all his thoughts about autism cause if he keeps them inside his head will explode #in today's episode: is it possible that my ''panic attacks'' have been autistic meltdowns all this time?#then answer is maybe!#ok so i was watching this youtube video from channel I'm autisticn now what? (check it out it's great!)#and meg was talking about the different types of autistic meltdowns and how they might manifest #and then in the comments people were discussing autistic meltdowns vs panic attacks and how cofused they used to be about them #and that got me thinking... there's a big thing that needs to happen during a panic attack for it to be a panic attack #and that is anxious thoughts... many people talk about fear of death during panic attacks #and that was never my experience. I don't feel like I'm going to die when I have these ''attacks''#they feel painful and like i'm completely out of control but my head is quite clear in that regard #i always thought it was because i don't think dying is like The Worst thing that could happen to me so maybe that was why #and it never ocurred to me that it could be an autistic meltdown because i always saw those as ''little boy hits his head against the wall'#(horrible i know) but it's more than that! (plus i sadly started self harming when the ''attack'' is too bad so not i fit that idea lol)#it's the uncontrollable crying. the throwing anything you have at hand across the room. the not being able to utter words #(other than ''no'' in my case) it's the complete lack of control #and that fits so much more to what i experience! i even related to meg's personal anecdote about a meltdown she had as a child #being separated from my mom made me go into full panic modes as a kid and that was seen as a tantrum but it was more than that to me!#and as an added bonus the only therapist i've ever seen in my life used to call my panic attacks ''pseudo-panic attacks''#because even she felt it didn't quite fit in the description (not that she was a good therapist so i can't put her as an example lol)#but anyways... yeah every day that goes by i'm more and more convinced I am autistic and it scares me to fucking death #because of the way my mom reacted when i first raised the question. so yeah this is for nothing lol nothing will change in my life #¯\_(ツ)_/¯#angel talks #personal

5 notes · View notes